Of Heart and Harvest | Curse of Strahdanya One-Shot: Part 1
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Welcome to Legends of Avantris. Hungry woods, reaching, snatch the light out from the sky. Leafy sighs, creaking bones, pray you don't get found alone. Crickly crack the branches, pop their crawls, the night that never stops. A tree that leans with twisted grin, her limbs are thrown, her soul is sin. Underneath the crooked moon, stalks the king of

In pale decay and empty gloom He comes for you Six horns his crown His kingdom all For life delicious heat his core He carries six Of sword and seal One sway with souls that fall anew

Run, run, don't shrink and cower, join us at the witching hour. Stimp and sing, thrashing light to smother the shrieks of endless night. Dust beneath the crooked moon, and rising rapture hand in hand. An empty room will comfort you, may our light embrace you too.

You have all known each other for a long time. Many, many years. Good to know. You came together through one particular individual, Professor Clayton Asram. That's right.

His intelligence and his curiosity led him all over the world of Evandris, looking for new artifacts, cracking open mysteries, seeking the unknown, believing he could solve any puzzle and find any answer. And it is through this work that over the years, one after another, he picked up each of you.

For the past few years, you have been working together as a band of glorified monster hunters. People from all over Avantris call on you at Mistallery University to come to their homes, their libraries, their cemeteries to ward off evil spirits, to cure curses, to discover the secrets that lie beneath.

And it is for this reason that you find yourselves in a rickety black carriage as it rocks down a cobbled street leading you out of Brig and into the unknown. For about a week prior, you received a letter. More specifically, Victoria received a letter. There was something in this letter that intrigued Professor Asran, and you all decided that you were going to

Agree to the terms and meet with one Shraddhawn Yvon Zarevich. The letter read: My dearest Victoria, It is with a heavy heart that I send this letter. Though you may not know me, I surely know you. I regret to inform you that your aunt, your mother's sister, and my dear wife has passed on from this world. It has been nigh on a year since your aunt Rowan passed, and I send my deepest apologies for not writing to you sooner.

I have been overcome with grief and have only recently found myself again. I write to you not only to inform you of her passing but to invite you to a celebration in her honor. This time of year was always her favorite and the yearly harvest festival was something she took great pride in. This year the festival will be bigger and better than ever in honor of my dear sweet Rowan. I know she would have loved to meet you and it would honor her memory to have you here.

But lastly, for my selfish request, I know that you have found yourself in the company of those that seek out and uncover the truth and mystery. There are suspicious details about my wife's passing centered around an artifact that was unearthed in an ancient barrow, in an ancient barrows. In honoring the memory of kin, if honoring the memory of kin is not enough to entice you, then maybe a full purse of coin and a bit of intrigue is enough to convince you to come to my aid.

And it is in that very carriage that you find yourselves now. Upon entering it, you noticed that it was not driven by a man or anything at all.

The seat was left completely empty, and yet the reins were taught and the horses, the two black mares were under control. You were able to step inside the plush red velvet...

Seating was beautiful and comfortable and cozy. The interior was warm and safe. A platter of delicacies was laid out for you. Steaming mugs of a sweet rose and blood orange tea piping hot next to biscuits and cookies of all kind. And an invitation to her home.

And that is where you find yourself now, rocking down the road, leaving Brig, not knowing how long the journey will take you or where exactly it's taking you to. Clayton spent the better part of the week trying to uncover anything he could find about Dusk

Why can I not remember the name? Duskvale, right? Yes, thank you. Duxvale. That's the problem. That's popping into my head. I can't wait to go to Duskvale. As well as anyone named Stradon Yvon Zarovich. But to his chagrin, he is unable to find anything at all about this place. But that artifact, found in an ancient barrow,

that led to suspicious circumstances and the death of someone close to Victoria. Now that's interesting. That's something worth investigating. And that is where you find yourselves now. - Poor Aunt Rowan. I have to say, I'm not totally comfortable with you reading my mail, but I suppose it's a good thing we are going to go. - We all read your letter. - Well, you know, with my-- - I read it twice.

with my supreme divination abilities, I could just tell that it was somewhat relevant to our purposes. Isn't that right, Mysterium Incorporated? Miss Isaacs, let me start by saying I'm sorry for your loss. Thank you, Mr. Shepard. But more importantly, did anybody see any rum? I'd even settle for some whiskey. Oh, there's alcohol.

Thank you, and I help myself. It's a nice space, Ram. It would be quite a long ride. Are you sure you want to dive in so early? Yeah, I'm sure. Indulge in the poison of the body as you do the poison of the mind, Shepard. You call it the poison, I call it the antidote.

Well, I mean, what we have to understand is that we're on a spooky, spooky stagecoach with no driver. We don't really know the destination, how long it will take. It could take maybe several hours or several weeks. It is quite comfortable in here. I think they've appointed us very well. My first question was going to be, how far is it? But there's all this food and pastries, muffins, rum. We're going to be fine.

Cheers! You bring a good point, though. How far is it? You have no idea how long it will take you. Clayton spent the better part of a week trying to discover where this place was, and you could find nothing. There is no information on this place. Yes, quite curious. None, Professor? This Veil of Dusk. Oh, I could not define this location.

♪ With my green dreams ♪ - Sorry, sorry, Dax, you feeling all right? - Oh, it wouldn't speak to me. - Y'all, you sure you're all right? - I think he's having an episode. - Yeah, that's one word for it. - Fetch a piece of leather for him to bite down on in case he needs it. - Oh, okay, one moment. - The old gods-- - Muffin, muffin. - Are uneasy the deeper we tread into the strange land of--

I mean, come on, Sarnax. Look, we're looking for something. We're looking for people. At the end of the day, it sounds like there might even be some treasure, artifacts involved, nice little payday. Come on, what do you think, Professor?

Well, that is precisely what I plan to investigate. It is just pure convenience that Victoria has a familial tie to this. Roll a constitution saving throw, please. Oh yeah, I'm also going to investigate the treasures and artifacts. I'm right there with you, Professor. Did you say constitution? I did. Oh fuck, it's this paper thing.

You're looking over the glasses. You get plus four. You do this every time you look over the glasses. These are going to magnify the vision. They look cool, dammit. 18. 18. How many dreads do I have? Oh. You have two dreads and we have 21 twists. Whoa, am I feeling faint? No, you're fine. What does it say?

What does what say? Weren't you reading something to us just now? No, he was just rather inappropriately saying that it was convenient that my dear Aunt Rowan has passed. No, no, I'm not saying it's convenient that she's dead. I'm just saying it's convenient that you're related to her. Victoria, weep not, for we all return to the soil and bring about new life. I suppose that is comforting on some level. Thank you, Zamas. Death is required.

Victoria. Yes, very good, sir. It is a good thing your aunt is dead. All right, Mr. Sarnoff, thank you. You're very welcome. I can reassure you again if you enjoy hearing it. It is a good thing your aunt is deceased. She's returned to the soil, returned to the earth. Darn it. Consumed by the roots of new life. For all the gods, someone change the thing. I do not get you. You are quite the conundrum.

Perhaps it is all of the time you spend with your cards and dice. Maybe. And roulette wheels. Yeah, well I enjoy all of those things. And coins. You spend a good hour riding out of Frigg and into forests and over moors and deeper into the heart of Barghest, away from the port city.

This is all familiar territory to you. You've traveled all over Avantris. There isn't a place here that wouldn't be familiar to you in some way at this point. And it is comforting and relaxing. You all partake in food and drink. You enjoy conversations, the kind that really close friends tend to enjoy. You rib each other. You all know that your hearts are in the right place. And

feels it's almost too close to midnight. You feel like you sh-- like you feel tired as if you've been up all day and all night, but you look outside and it's barely twilight. It's strange, this feeling of heaviness, this feeling of exhaustion that's overcome all of you. But you continue on. Taishen!

Go on. Your voice. Oh yeah, I forgot the words. Your words sleep, but your eyes are alive with the sounds of forests burning in a terrible forest fire. I'm not quite sure what that means. I think he's saying you need a drink, something to take the edge off. There's still a little rum left. Oh no, there's still a little rum left if you want. That's shocking. Muddle the mind and you muddle your purpose.

Tea is all that I drink. Is that why you're so fit? And there is a beautiful rose and blood orange tea. How do you get these? The muscles on the side of the neck? I don't know, it's just amazing. It's a lot of working out. Strapping witches to pie. Well, at least one of you has sense. I'll join you for some tea. There you are, Professor. Thank you. Good tea, this.

"Yes, quite." "What blend do you reckon it is?" "Seems to be a rose and citrus of some sort." "Oh, citrus. No, you're quite right. I was getting cinnamon, but you're the expert."

You spill a bit of tea on yourself as you realize, you start to nod off as you're holding the mug in your hands. The hot tea seeping into your shirt jolts you awake as you look around, not realizing, or realizing that you had just dozed off a bit in the middle of this conversation.

All of these beverages, and they did not consider providing egg yolks. Oh no, they did. Delicious. Finally. Some good fucking food. What in the nine hells? Where'd you get an egg? It was an entire basket of raw eggs in varying sizes. Did you bring that from home? They provided it, they were...

incredibly thoughtful, unlike some of us. And as you're speaking, you begin to doze off, and mid-sentence you catch yourself falling asleep. I crackle, yeah. I feel we're all a bit road weird. I don't know, this feels like something else. Professor, do you think that they put drugs in the... And at that moment, you begin to fall asleep as well. That's very generous, drugs are expensive.

Oh, you guys are just a bunch of wusses. There's absolutely nothing. And it is at that time that all of you fall asleep. It's a peaceful, dreamless, dark sleep. You are lulled for moments, hours, days. It's hard to tell into this deep sleep by the soft rocking of the carriage on the road.

And you eventually all come to, roughly around the same time. Suspiciously so. You notice that it is the dead of night. Darkness just pooling outside the windows of the carriage. And as you look out, the first thing that strikes all of you is that this is unlike any forest you've ever seen before. This is unlike any place you've seen in Brieg. And you couldn't have been asleep that long. You weren't on a ship.

It wouldn't be possible, or Barghest, it wouldn't be possible to be anywhere but Barghest. And yet, as you look out into the night sky, you feel in your heart of hearts that you're not in Barghest anymore. And you look up at the moon and it seems different. It's soft milk light spills over the lands around you and it's hard to really get a grasp of what this place truly looks like.

It's beautiful in its own way. The gnarled trees are large and tall. They reach out over the road, reach up towards the moon itself, almost as if they're grasping towards her, calling to her, praying to her. And the carriage continues to move along, rocking this way and that as it rides over the dirt pathway that leads you through these towering trees.

The scent that hangs in the air is earthy. Sarnax, it speaks to you. This feels ancient. This feels old. It feels alive. This is the kind of forest you've been trying to tell your friends about. This is the kind of forest that speaks to your soul, and you are in it right now. The scent of the earth is delicious. The old ones sing of power no longer lost here.

Civilization not tainting the old places, the dark places. What exactly does that mean, Sarnax? Do you know where we are? No. My heavens. Did you hear that, Professor? Yes. Yes. I've... Could it be what we think it might be? All I heard is that there's no chance of finding a gambling hall. Not likely out here. What I can deduce is that we have traversed through some kind of portal, either very far away or...

to another plane of existence entirely. But we are certainly not in Breag any longer. Now we're never gonna get to Duskville. Duskville. Duckville? Duskville. Duskvale. Duskvale. Don't worry, I can't remember it either. I got it. What are you talking about ducks? I like ducks. It's not even close. This is why you say things out loud over and over and over again. There's probably nothing interesting in a place called Duskvale. Maybe for you.

Oh, that's fair. Certainly no robots, lasers, or aeroplanes. I don't say that, that is non-canon. Hell, this whole thing's non-canon, buddy.

You looked at the camera. The carriage hits a rock or a root and jolts forward for a second. You're all jostled inside. Tea and whiskey and rum and cakes spill and clatter about the interior of the carriage. It is a mess in here.

As you all write yourselves, the lanterns that hang on the inside, the oil lanterns that have been glowing bright dim for a moment, then they increase and then dim again and stay softly lit. The darkness from the outside creeping in, and once again you hear the howling of wolves off in the distance. It's not like the howling of wolves in Brig. There's...

Something different that resonates inside of their booming howls. Can't quite place what the difference is, but it's uncanny. Just slightly off from what you would expect. You're right, Victoria. Could it be? I'd hate to get your hopes up, but it does seem like it could be. At first I thought it was just wolves, but if it's... Werewolves. Were? Wolves?

No, no, werewolves. Exactly right. Oh! Werewolves. Yes. Yes. Yes, were is from an old Brie word meaning man, manwolf. Oh, learn something new every day. Abominations, mockeries. Fascinating, all the same. I've been searching my whole life to see one in the flesh. The howling gets louder.

You hear it on the right side and then almost echoes on the left. More than one? You hear it in front and then behind. It's hard to tell, is it one wolf and the noise is bouncing off of the trees? That's completely possible. Are there more than one wolf? Do werewolves hunt in packs? The moon is full and round and strange and not what you would expect.

And you're thinking of all of these things as the sounds are almost disorienting you, the way they bounce back and forth and this way and that, and then the carriage hits another rock or another root, or was that something that hit the side of the carriage instead? You feel it rock to one side, and you all hold onto each other and right yourselves as it rocks to the other side. It is very clear now that something is happening to this carriage, something you didn't expect until all of a sudden,

the carriage completely slams to the side, slamming into the ground. All of you fly from your seats up into the ground. You're laying there splayed as

The moon shines down almost in a pillar next to you. You hear the whinnying of the horses as they break away from the carriage. It's dragged 20, 30 feet as the horses wrench themselves away from the carriage. You can hear them neighing in panic, in horror, as they run off into the distance. The sounds of their hooves slowly getting softer and softer and softer as the moonlight shines down on you through the open window.

You look up and all you see is the window and the moon and no sounds. Wolves gone. Just nighttime insects.

- Oh my gosh. - Get out of my way, I'm getting out of here! - Everyone all right? - Oh my god! - And I'm gonna like push my way and climb up through this window, not caring what's going on around me and attempt to see if I can get up out and through and see what's going on. - There is no pane of glass on this window. You push the curtains aside as best you can and you begin to climb up out of the window

the side of this carriage. You see the wheels on this side spinning and spinning and spinning, but they're slowly getting slower and slower. You notice that there is a broken part of wheel off in front of you. Clearly, one of the wheels on the other side had snapped and the carriage had completely toppled. Roll an investigation check for me.

Something tells me you get your wish, Professor. Ooh, 19. You, at first, notice no difference. You notice nothing out of the ordinary. But as you begin climbing out and you find footing on the ground, you see that there are deep claw marks on the very front side of this carriage. In all of the... In all of the...

noise and commotion of being slammed against the side of this carriage as it slid across the ground, being pulled by these horses. You must have missed the sound of whatever creature could have possibly done that, but you remember getting into the side of the carriage. There were no claw marks there, and these are deep, deep gashes, as if something was trying to wrench its way inside.

It all is quiet now. Where could that creature have gone? I look very closely at these marks and I basically yell out into back to the carriage as people are maybe coming out and I say,

Hoo-wee! Professor, you're going to want to take a look at this. What do you see? What do you see? Oh, this is a mark of a big old beastie. Yes, yes, finally. Watch your elbow, Tyshen. Let me get down, sorry. Excuse me, ladies first. Oh, no, fine. You're right, you're right, you're right. Go ahead. Heavens, my petticoat. Oh, no.

Oh, there's my shoe. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Mr. Shepherd, I hold out my hand daintily for you to help me out. All right, come here. I'm gonna- Easy now. I'll help you out and then help set you down next to the

Thank you. Easy there, all right. You good, you all right? My goodness, what could have done that? I don't know. Come on, gentlemen, get at her. All right. Help me out. All right, come on, Professor. Shake a leg, no dilly-dally, come on. No dilly-dally. Also grab him by the waist. You are all able to climb out.

Sarnax is lifted out in a similar way to Victoria. He is covered in eggs. But he doesn't seem to mind. As you all find your footing on the dirt in this strange land, on this strange road, and you listen, what could have made that noise? But you hear nothing. These claw marks, these, are they?

I want to very closely investigate all of the damage to the carriage. Roll an investigation check. 16. You take your glasses and you adjust them on your face as you look closer at the gash marks in the side of the carriage.

Quite. It is clear to you, at first inspection, it looked like something was trying to get in. But now that you look at these, these were nowhere near the door. This was a warning. This was left on purpose, almost as if to tell you,

Whatever this was, was here. You were being watched. And as you come to this realization, you feel eyes on your back. You turn and you look behind you. There's nothing there in the forest line. You turn to look to the side. Nothing there. You feel eyes on your left. You look. Nothing there. No matter where you turn, you feel it. Something primal. Your body knows you are being watched. This was not an attack. It was a warning made by a sentient being.

Almost certainly. Are we being watched, Mr. Morgan? And I will look at him and then I'll just kind of like look around. I don't know. What do I pay you for? I'm a good shot when I'm drunk. Inspector. Yes? Is that your title? It is now. Inspector, please take a look around. Yes, I will.

I'll do my best to walk around the scene and scope the tree line a little bit. Roll a perception check. I'll make sure this tree is sturdy. Bravo! Perception...

You're so stupid. What would perception be? Perception is... Wisdom. Wisdom. Wis 18. Oh, that's pretty good. You look around the tree line and you are positive that there is nothing in the tree line. If something's watching you, you'd have to be quite far out. It is highly unlikely that the professor is...

actually being watched. He's clearly just spooked. He's clearly just uncomfortable. Frightened. I see nothing that suggests we're being watched from the treeline, Professor. Seems as though you might not get to meet your werewolf tonight after all.

Damn it. Excellent thinking, Caprice. I'll walk over and I'll sit down next to you and I'll slide back against the tree as you'll hear the as the bark of the tree will start to grow as it starts to consume me. I cast Green Dream. Ooh.

and I should be able to spend time to move my consciousness for trees in a one mile radius. 10 minutes, 10 minutes. Ooh. Okay, now do it what? I'm looking for werewolves, I'm looking, I'm trying to commune, if I feel like the old ones and the old gods are powerful here and they're numerous, I would like to dive into that green sea and join the consciousness of the trees that see all, they've seen, they've,

observe for longer and I'm attempting to basically for ten minutes just, it's like I'm suddenly omniscient. I need to take the time to basically go around and I'll fan out as roots and trees, and so basically Caprice is actually napping and I'm as roots and branches and wood and bark starts to cover me as I transfer my consciousness into the green network. You see through the eyes of the very land itself and

You have done this before. It is not as simple as seeing from tree to tree, but seeing all at once and picking the right place to look. As your eyes scan everything, looking for any sign of what could have done this, it takes you a full ten minutes before you finally catch just the barest glimpse of something.

hulking, dark, wolf-like shadows creeping just out of reach of your vision, heading in the same direction that this road would take you in. Almost as if they're lurking, waiting, expecting you to maybe get comfortable and continue on your journey and not imagine that they would be up ahead, but behind. You've seen their tricks. You know where they lurk now. About a mile up ahead,

For the ten minutes that you're doing this, I see Caprice's napping up against a tree. I see you look like you're napping up against a tree, but you've grown into the tree. I'm looking around at the rest of you. I go back over to the overturned carriage, and I'm grumbling as I reach in, and I go to find another unopened bottle, an unbroken bottle of alcohol. What has he paid me for? You've got to be kidding me. I'm the fun one.

"Goddamn everybody else is a bunch of wet blankets, "unbelievable!" And I'm gonna stash a bottle of booze and then find my own tree to sit down next to and pretend that I'm gonna take a nap. - You find a really large oak, towering larger than the others. It has beautiful knotwork roots at the bottom that almost create a seat

covered in moss. It seems nice and cozy and you sidle down into the moss and the roots and it's a veritable ancient forest lazy boy. A throne fit for a sinner. Well, I'm glad you've all made yourselves comfortable, but is anyone going to try to fix the carriage? Fix it? What, do we look like a bunch of mechanics?

First we have to make sure that we're not in any danger or whatnot, you know? Oh. Hey, what are we calling him? Inspector. Is that what we're calling him? Inspector. Inspector. I call him Firebro. The inspector said he doesn't see anything haunting us from the tree lines. You're all being silly. Well, I mean, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh

I suppose the horses have run off anyway. Sarnax is a little weird, but he's doing his weird thing, and it usually works out for us, all right? Usually. Well, something did this to the caravan. I think Sarnax will find the path, and we hunt it down. Whenever we're in a forest like this, he always helps find the way. I mean, you remember all those times that I made those hilarious jokes about seeing the forest for the trees? It was great. I laughed every time.

Even if we fix the carriage, the horses are gone, right? The horses have, they dragged the carriage with you in it for a good 20 to 30 feet before they were able to rip themselves from the, from the, what do you call that thing that they're connected to? Oh yeah. They're harnesses. Gonna feel that one tomorrow. And they have clearly run off into the woods. They were frightened, they were horrified by what was happening. Do you think that you could like,

use some of those muscles and just topple over the... I could help. And I conjure a hand with fingerless gloves and, like, patches that's just like... What are you going to do with that? I mean, I could give it, like, a little... You know, you've got all the...

the biceps and the triceps and the quadceps. Why would we even need to get the caravan back? Oh, you've noticed my quadceps. Why would we even need to get the caravan back up, right? The horses are gone. Well, in case they come back. Comfortable to sit while we wait. Maybe they'll hit a town up ahead and someone will come for us. I suppose. I don't know why I didn't think of this. Hey, horses! Oh, we're good, we're good. We're all right.

All the branches and the roots snap away from it. Never get used to that. It's surprising. The beasts lurk in the night. Which direction? The hour of the wolf, the direction of our destination. There is intelligence there, lupine indeed, but just out of range of my dreams. They call, they wait.

Let us give them the death they so eagerly call for as they howl in the night. We can kill them, I suppose, but I at least want to encounter one! But they could kill us. No, I don't believe that's true. I mean, look at us.

I can see you're just a hobo, but the rest of us... Look at us! I'm only here because you haven't paid me yet. It's been seven years, I need to get back to my family. I don't pay hobos! You just don't leave. Caprice is on to something. They might be able to kill us, and that, my friends, is exciting.

It would be if it were true, but we know that that's not the case. Aw, Tashen, it's not fun if you win every time. When you speak with arrogance, how can you possibly know unless you've fought them before? I have faith. I have faith that Fu Xia will guide my acts and anything that comes to us will be cleaved head from shoulder. It will be a great battle. They are a mile away.

waiting for a meal that will not come. But if we all fall and provide sustenance to these wolves, it will be right. Man, I just love the stuff Tash and Sarnac say. You guys are bad ass. Ray, your god, tell him to prepare for blood.

Caprice, ready? This is what I'm talking about! My hand is returning from the carriage with another muffin. Caprice, ready your pocket of rusty nails. Sorry, I actually stole all of them today. This is what I'm talking about! Damn! The rusty nails are all the way at the bottom.

Muffin, muffin, muffin. Poujou is always ready for blood, as he should be. The old ones will drink and enjoy the sacrifice no matter how the battle goes. Caprice, you're writing this down? With what? Damn, those are some good ones. I will attempt to better understand our predicament where we are. I will peer beyond and see what I can learn.

and I will reach into my jacket and I'll pull out a large pearl, almost, it's huge. You know, it fits in my hand, and it's very slightly translucent. It looks almost opaque, but it shines with almost an otherworldly pearlescence. And I will take it in my hand and I will just stare into it. And as I stare, just for a split second, you'll see a flash of a

bright orange eye with a vertical black pupil. "Oh my goodness, Professor. "Steady yourself." Good fortunes. Good fortunes today, yes. I was granted good tidings from beyond. I believe these are werewolves.

And mechanically, I use the Pure Beyond feature. And I rolled these two dice earlier today, but I'm gonna let those out thematically. A 19 and it was a two. Whoa! And so I get to choose one of them to be my madness pool. What? And I chose 19, and so I'll leave it at that.

Oh no. Okay. Okay. What a chat. I just also want to point out real quick, we'll get back into it, we've got like,

you know, Crimson Dynasty, you're like peering into the madness. He's like with the trees. You're like this witch hunter. And then we got like Derek Hobo and a guy with a drink. But he's got a lot of muffins. And I'm pretty good. So you think they're good?

You seem confident and fine, so I'm ready to trust you. No, yes, we should do stop at nothing to find these werewolves and try to communicate with them, learn what we can, and perhaps kill them. All right, I'm in. Lead the way.

Did I get a sense of, you know, I'm just gonna sort of try to use all of my sensory abilities, including anything I may have gained from beyond the veil, what direction these wolves might be in. Or actually-- Sarnax already told you that it's just following along the road. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's continue then.

I say. None of that happens. All right, Professor, lead the way. And so you do that. Conveniently for you, these wolves are along the path that you're traveling. Almost as if it were written that way, for ease of--

for the sake of pepity. But you walk the rough mile that Sarnax indicated that these werewolves were located, and it takes you about 15 minutes at the pace that you're going. You are not trying to move too quickly or too slowly. You are keeping your senses trained on the treeline.

all of you working together to listen for any noises that would indicate that the wolves may be lurking somewhere within, that werewolves may be lurking somewhere within. And you take about 15 minutes or so before roll your perception check. Oh.

Natural 20, I am perceptive. My name is Sarnax and I speak for the trees, motherfucker. Natural 20. First one! Perception's whiz. Yeah. Two. Ooh, a four! 10. I got an eight. 25. Damn. Victoria, Sarnax, the both of you are alerted to the noise before anyone else and you put your hands out to stop the group.

As you listen and you hear the deep, deep breathing with a subtle growl to it. Just up ahead, right in the very edges of the tree line, as if something's waiting, something's lurking. And it's in that moment that you notice this, that you immediately feel that same thing that Clayton had described to you of being watched. As all of the hairs on your skin prick up,

and you feel a breath on your neck for a second, and you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that something is watching. I will hold my hand up, and then with my other hand, I have a set of blood-red beads around my neck. I'll clasp them, and we are certainly not alone any longer. See, I'm not mad. I told you all. The beast is upon us. He said you were mad. Professor, just hang on there. I've heard you whispering, Mr. Morgan.

Don't think I don't. All right, let's all just take a deep breath and take a look around and see what's going on. We mean you no harm, werewolves. We just wish to learn. You hear skittering in the tree line, branches cracking, rubble being moved this way or that, the leaves swishing, moving.

and you hear it rushing towards you in the treeline, and then silence, an unnatural silence. This sounded large, whatever it was. I wonder if they understood me. I will look towards the group and I'll say, regardless, they mean to strike, prepare for blood.

the old gods will drink well, and you'll hear my whole body start to creak, and the cracking of wood as my scales will darken in color, and they'll turn to a bark as roots and branches will grow out of my skin around my head, almost like antlers for a moment before they wrap around, as from my arm will form a huge, gnarled wooden club,

that is dripping with this black sap, as on my other arm, growing out, nodding more and more and more, basically forms a circular shield, and within it are three dark holes that look like two eyes and a mouth, and the eyes are weeping with the same black sap, as I use my wood woes wild shape feature. That's so funny!

Fuck yeah! Thecrookedmoon.com! Enjoy really badass fucking subclasses! As I will hold out my shield and I'll hold out my club

As I will look, I have to repeat that. This is not quiet, the transformation that he undergoes. And you immediately, once again, hear that same sound from the treeline as if something is mobilizing, something is moving. It is getting closer and closer. You feel almost claustrophobic as if there is something surrounding you. Oh, yes, Arnhass, you done pissed him off now. They wanted to keep us from something.

Let's see what it is. Because no evil shall escape my sight.

and I take my Libram off my hip, and it's this brown, like pebbled brown leather tome ridged on the edges with silver on the sides of the book. And I close my eyes and it'll open, and the pages will start to fly through themselves, and it'll stop very briefly.

And you might just even catch a glimpse for just a moment on the page that it ends on, the shape of what seems to be a wolf.

And I snap the book shut and I open my eyes and they're engulfed in a golden flame. And I cast Divine Sense. As an action you can detect good and evil until the end of your next turn. You can sense anything affected by the Hallow spell or know the location of any celestial fiend or undead within 60 feet. You utilize this ability and you reach your senses out expecting

to pick up on anything, but you are met with silence. - It seems as though this evil escapes my sight. - And it is in that moment that you hear a cacophonous choir of howling as six gigantic dire wolves leap out of the tree line and attack all of you. - All right, Mysterium Incorporated.

Kill the wolves. But look how dire they are. Maybe next time. Damn it! Oh, that's great. Oh. Well done, Nicky. The Bames. That's so cruel. It's so cruel. Maybe next year. Maybe next year, buddy. Get us on a map. Will it never be werewolves? Never be werewolves.

Producer Rick over here. Zorrex and Tyshen are going to be up in the lead, and Victoria will be close behind. Well, we have to watch the ground. It's icy, and if we slip-- I need 20 to 25. Oh, I got to pull up my initiative here. Oh, that's pretty good! Damn! I'm going to roll this very large dice.

- Uh, one minute. - That's some big dice. - Oh yeah, I got an 18. So I'll wait 'til after you say 20. - Oh no. - What's the add for initiative? - Dex. - Just dex. - Yep, just trade dex. - Once we establish the initiative, actually while everybody, let's establish the initiative order, I would like to describe my class picture. - Yes please. - You got it, 20, 25? - Anybody get 20? - 20. - Oh, Sarnax, look at you go, buddy.

18 for old Shere. 19. 19. Oh. Which one of them? I feel very lazy. Yorgrym. I don't have initiative cards, so. Marius. Say you do. Who else, who was there? Lethika goes right here between Yorgrym and Marius. Yeah. Then it's the wolves. Does anybody else smell pie?

Damn, we all rolled really high. I got a ten. Except for Clayton. Because you're just like, let's kill them. Kill the wolves. Die wolves again. And now, for the first time, I get to use Sinner's Gamble. After rolling for initiative or as a bonus action, I get to roll five d6s. Yee-haw!

I got a one, a two, a three, a three, and a four. And what I'm looking for is a pair, two pair, three of a kind, a full house, a street, four of a kind, or five of a kind. I got a pair. I can keep that, or I can use another instance of Sinner's Gamble and re-roll any number of these dice and look for another bonus. So for now, I'm going to keep my pair and get ten feet of movement for the next three rounds. Woo-hoo!

That's pretty cool. Let's fucking go. Yeah, damn! The game is on. I pictured an animated Shepard, like the animation at the beginning of Jurassic Park with the DNA guy. You're like, now I got a full house! And there's frog DNA and all sorts of good stuff. The crooked moon if you want this rogue subclass. I can use sinner's gamble up to the number of times my proficiency bonus, which is three.

- Sarnax, your turn. You are not considered surprised because you knew they were at the treeline. - Oh, thank you. I am going to, oh gosh, I'm going to run at them with my wood woes transformation as I will say,

It may be the hour of the wolf, but it is also the hour of your death, beasts. And I'll run up just to the first one, as I will have my club, which will be just dripping in sap, as I am going to... Oh gosh, oh gosh, oh gosh. Um...

Okay, I will use my bonus action to

as I'm running at them, suddenly all of the wood that's on my body starts to sprout into spiky thorns and brambles. As I cast Wild Thorns, a new spell, as a bonus action, and for the duration of the spell, which is an hour, any time I'm hit with a melee attack, the attacker takes 1d6 piercing damage. So I run up and I attempt to make an attack with my large club.

And I think I just have one attack here. It's a two. I'm gonna use a twist. I'm gonna use a twist. I'm gonna use a twist. Yeah. Absolutely twist that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make sure you keep track of your twists, though. You don't have that many. Yeah, we don't. I'm going to save my twist. Mr. Madness. Oh, wait, do we twist? Yes. Yes, just once. Professor Madness. Yes? I mean, that's not my name. Who said that?

And so, did it hit? Oh, no, no, I missed. I missed. I'll just swing. I'm just covered in wooden bark. What was the hit? Oh. I mean, it was three plus. I don't know what your plus hit is, to be honest with you. Eight plus. It should be eight. Yeah, plus eight. Yeah, it's 11.

Miss. 10 hits. 10 hits? Now I know why they're called Direwolves. It smashes in, and I get to enjoy some beefy damage because of my wood woes. I'm gonna use my-- Why you gotta tell me? You could've foregone an entire hit. Is eight points of bludgeoning damage.

And as I hit this wolf, the sap that is oozing from my mallet, or my giant club, will seep into its fur as it'll start to kind of, its ears will twitch as it hears the voice of the Old Ones. And it will be disadvantaged on attacking anyone but me. Okay.

You slam your woodwo mallet, what is it, club? - Club. - Club into the wolf. It lets out a, this dire wolf, it lets out a painful shriek as it takes the full brunt force from this new form, doing a significant amount of damage. It already begins to crumple to the ground, but it rights itself and continues to snarl at you. - That's my turn.

Taishan? Thank you very much, thanks. I run up to this direwolf, and with my giant, gleaming, greataxe, I will swing at it twice. That direwolf's name is Jeff, spelled G-E-O-F. Which number? That is...

They don't have numbers. Let's do numbers. Oh, I didn't do numbers. Anyone with a pen can number them real quick. Whichever one Mike attacked was number one. So this is number two. No, just fine. Just put that in front of Mike. Okay, so three is Jeff. Got it. Jeff! Five and six? Gracias. Gracias. Gracias.

Oh, 25 to hit. Oh yes, that hits. All right. And now I'm on my, now...

Smite. Yes. Is that an action? Yeah. Or if I hit with an attack, do I just say that I'd like to smite? As a paladin, if you land an attack, you can then expend spell slots, I believe up to two, to empower the attack with a smite.

And it's 1d8 per spell slot, extra 2d8 per spell slot used. That's correct. And I believe that's bread and butter paladin. Yeah, that is just straight up paladin. So if you want to expend one spell slot, you get to add an extra 2d8 damage to your hit. The cool thing is you do get to wait until after the sea of hits because then if it breaks, you can just go absolutely ham and double all the damage. So if it hit, then you can smite.

Is there a way you can tell me what their max health is? Is that cheating? That would be cheating. I would say you watched Sarnax bludgeon one and it seems like it's barely holding on. What is bludgeoning? Wait, how much damage does it do?

How much blood? You wouldn't know. I don't remember. But in one hit, you saw that he did. It's important to me. All right. I'm going to deal 15 damage, and then I'd like to know how this guy's looking. Well, we should talk about this. Yeah. We should talk about this, because the feature, as I believe it, is you have to land the hit when it's at a quarter, not bring it down. I thought I had to. You motherfucker. No, no, no! Okay, I deal 15 damage. Enough of that nonsense. I deal 15 damage. I'd like to know how this darn wolf is. To which one?

The three. Make it a quarter. You, um, you, and how are you doing this? I have to make sense. My giant, great axe, as I grab it with my left hand as I was resting it over my shoulder, I swing down and try and cleave through it with 15 points of damage. But I don't want to kill it if it has-- Yeah, so I would say that your feature will activate when the creature is at a quarter or less. Not if you bring it into it. It's a bonus action.

The channel divinity? Yes. Yeah. All right, guys, all right. I'm excited. I'm just trying to pop off, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just attack. Yeah, 15 damage. Where are we at? You bring your mallet. You grab... Greataxe. Sorry, you grab the handle of your greataxe. And you swing it down, completely cleaving this dire wolfen, too. Damn it! It...

It screams out in pain as the life leaves its eyes. I want you to roll a perception check for me, please. But it does die in that hit. Oh, wait, no! Oh, well. Stupid weak wolves. Like eight, I think. Eight.

You notice something strange for a moment, but something about its eyes catches you off guard for a moment. As you continue to stare, you shake your head and think to yourself, it's the forest and everything about this is...

is unsettling and you saw nothing. As I cleave it clean in half, the blood sprays against my face and I turn back and look at Shepard with a gleaming grin and say, it is still quite fun when you win. That's the tax shit I know. Lethika.

Latika is you. Caprice. This is so hard. It's so hard. It's a difficult lineup. It's a difficult lineup. I'll just sort of do one of these spin on my foot and start to turn away. You guys got this. You're doing great. Well done, Taishan. I'll back up to where the professor is and I'll start to

And I'll play a joyful tune. And it's so joyful that all of you feel inspired. I will spend my entire turn, action and bonus action alike, to give everyone-- spending two of my bardic inspirations--

up to my charisma modifier, a bardic inspiration. So each one of you benefits from a 1d8 that you will enjoy just like you might normally any other bardic inspiration. Oh, shit! And you can add that to an attack roll, to a saving throw, or to an ability check sometime in the next 10 minutes, which combat being as difficult as it is, I probably imagine we'll be spending all 600 rounds, but...

And I back up and I just put my arm on the shoulder of the professor. Muffin? I'm actually a bit peckish, please, please. You use your reaction to eat the muffin. That's fine. I'm just kidding. No, I will, I'll do it. And that'll be the conclusion of my turn. I'll use it if you make me. Shepard. I see everything that's going on here. I'm going to use all of my movement, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40, to swing way out.

And as I'm moving, with a quick flick of the wrist, you kind of see this smoky, misty magic. We're out of nowhere, almost from etherealness into solidity. Two...

Two weapons. Guns. Ranged weapons appear in my hand and I say, "Thank you, Grinn and Sinner," as I bear down on number six with my weapons, Kulev and Flambeau, which are the Serpent and the Torch. Oh, shit! And I'll make two attacks. I'll make two attacks. I'm gonna do it on number... Shit, I'll do it on number six. I'll do it on number six.

12 and 17 to hit. Both of those hit. I unfortunately don't have one that I can attack without absolutely obliterating the one that Sarnax is on for sneak attack damage, so they're just going to be regular attacks. Eight total points of damage. You...

You let loose, what kind of energy or effect do these radiate? A wise man once said, "Voodoo go." He's a voodoo. You let loose two bolts of harnessed voodoo magic and you blast into these dire wolves. These wolves are gigantic.

They tower over you, but they are dropping so easily, it's just like everything else you've experienced here, strange. As this one crumbles, but it is able to right itself as its slobbering maw is angled towards you, it looks like a big,

angry and hungry for blood. And then as a bonus action, I'd like to use my cunning action to attempt to hide behind a spooky oak tree. Okay. You do that. They are going, I can't really see the map at all. I got you. So. I don't know if that helps you at all. It doesn't. They are going to.

all surround the orange and the green. I don't know who those are. Tash and Sarnat. Yes, they are going to use their movement to do that. There are three on me. The three on you are going to make their attacks. They are at advantage because they are pack tactics. That is right.

All of them will hit. Perfect. How do you know? Because they rolled over 20 for every single one of their attacks. Oh, yes. Ah, fuck. Good thing you cast Wild Thorns, which is a crooked moon spell. Ooh!

You could wound, you say? I did. My goodness. One is going to miss, and then the other one's going to hit with a 20. Ooh. But not a non-natural 20, just a regular 20. 20 damage? 20 to hit. Oh, sorry, sorry. They are all going to lean in and begin to bite you, Sarnax. All of them finding purchase on you. I need you to make three strength saving throws, please. Oh, boy. Oh, that's a good one. I smash it.

21, and then, actually no, I guess 19, and then 10, or 11. You're gonna take 22 points of piercing damage from all three of them? They're all going to take two points of piercing damage. Which numbers? Oh, one, five, and six. If you just fail the saving throw, you could use your inspiration. I don't know, I can't see it. But I'm already proofreading.

I'm already fed. You need 13 for the saves. Otherwise, you're not prone. You get plus four. Oh, you get plus four. I'm still standing. They all lunge at you. You feel the teeth pierce into bark and flesh and scale as they attempt to begin to consume you.

They are ravenous in their attack on you and they are all, they're working together as a unit. Not splitting up, but picking a target and going for it. The same thing for you, Taishan. One of them is...

distracted by the smell of blood as Sarnax is attacked and it does not, it misses you altogether. The other one does five points of piercing damage and a strength saving throw, please. The old ones drink well tonight.

And I'm bleeding profusely, but I don't care. I'm kind of-- It's hard to tell what is blood and what is tree sap. Yeah, exactly. What did you get? 22 strength saving. It's clear that they are trying to knock you to the ground to begin feasting on you, but they are unable to topple you. You have quad saps. You are incredibly strong. And they--

They do. They're not successful in their endeavor. And that is their turn. Victoria. Okay. I'm going to look around and I too seem a little distracted by all that blood.

I would raise my hand and see some sort of like a splash of blood that's come from, I can't really tell what, maybe it's the wolves, maybe it's my compatriots. But I will raise my hand up and the blood will float up and then I will fling it out, fling my hand out towards number six and attack with a blood bolt. Ooh. Oh, love that.

So as it flies towards number six, the iron in the blood will solidify almost into like a metal dagger and then-- - I love that. - A blood spike. - A blood spike. - A blood spike. - Okay, okay. - So make a ranged spell attack. - Oh yeah. - That's a 15 plus-- - Fat hips. - Doesn't matter. - Plenty. - Okay.

So you will take 1d6 necrotic damage and then please make a constitution saving throw and that is to number six. I failed. Okay, take four necrotic damage.

and using this excellent Crooked Moon spell, Blood Bolt, I will regain hit points equal to half the damage dealt. Great, so you will get two points of healing from this Blood Bolt. You watch as the blood seems to split and as it turns into a weapon and pierces into the flesh, you watch as the rest of it returns back to Victoria and slams into her chest, revitalizing her.

I will lick my lips and pass them to you. This wolf is almost laying on the ground. It is struggling to move at all. Victoria, I want you to make a perception check for me, please. That's not very good. Six, 11. Yes, with an 11, you...

You watch this animal and the first thing you notice are its eyes. The way the eyes are moving. It's as if it's watching things that it wouldn't be in this situation. This wolf, this dire wolf is clearly dying. It is near inches from death.

And it is struggling to even regain its footing, but it's not staring at the ground and the way its paws are slipping on the dirt and the blood as it tries to right itself. Its eyes are darting from Clayton, the Sarnax, to Caprice, to you, lingering, watching, taking you in as if there is something behind the eyes controlling you. Well, I don't like that. Clayton.

I will wave my hand and my case will whip up and open up and from it levitating will be this massive tome with a ruby embedded in the front of it. Oh, yeah. And it's almost like, it doesn't look like a human made it. It's made of patches of skin that might look like cuttlefish or there might be scales, maybe like a tooth or two. And I'll wave my hand again and it's gonna flip open

and I'll start flipping through it. This is the one. Yes. And I'm going to cast Summon Voidling. And my eyes will roll back, and right here,

a almost tear in reality opens up. A tear in reality will open up, and they will feel very cold, anyone near it, as they peer into this dark, almost black water, sea, it's hard to tell. And then from the tear in reality, two orange eyes will alight as this

inky black creature that looks part cuttlefish, part lobster, and it has sort of spines down its back as it's going to come out and basically leap out and latch onto one of these, we'll say this guy, so we'll say he's right here. Which number? Pundit Attack number one. Okay. And he'll like head crab at

He's already pretty damaged, though. I don't know if you want to do a fresh guy. Oh, yeah. I smashed five. No, I think that's fine. He called it already. Okay. All right. Touch piece, move piece. Yeah, that's right. Touch piece, move piece. Oh, jeez, Professor, what was in that muffin? Is that a cuttlefish? I'm losing my fucking mind! More than you know. 14. 14 hits. It is going to do... Yeah.

Five, six, seven. Seven points of damage.

You watch as this tear in reality opens and from this endless incomprehensible sea, this voidling creature darts out and attaches itself to the face of the wolf. And you watch as in a split second, it's hard to understand what this entity is doing to this wolf, but you watch as its head almost cracks and shrinks in on itself.

twisting and reforming again as it lets out this scream that is otherworldly, a type of scream that lungs of this creature would not be possible of making before you watch it as its eyes turn inky black and then pearlescent white and then inky black and then you watch as the dire wolf falls dead. And then I will say,

Now die, and I'm going to spend three madness points to make it explode at the end of its turn.

In a ten-foot radius, so that's basically everybody here. Make a dex saving throw, or your movement drops to zero out of pure fear. Or I can spend an additional five madness points, and it's a paralysis if you fail. So I'm just going to go Nova with all my madness points, because I rolled high today. Yeah, what the fuck. Yeah, so dex save, or you're paralyzed until my next turn. Which ones?

Every wolf? Six, five, and one. Taishan and, sorry. Oh, yeah, it's a five. It's a plus four. So roll dex saving throws. They both lose. They both fail. I rolled a five and a four. Plus four. So this creature starts to swell and swell and burst. Are you the wolf? Or the voidling? The voidling that I saw. And the spikes all of a sudden, instead of kind of going down its back, all point out almost like a puffer fish. Yeah!

and it starts to look distressed, and it bursts, and ichor and spikes fly everywhere, and hopefully you guys can dodge them.

I dodge that. I hate when he does this. My eight-oiled shield is going to get completely covered in guts. They failed. They all failed? Yeah, there are only two of them there, aren't there? No, they're all in this. If it's ten feet, he's here. Badass. I was told five and six. Not two, so four, five, and six. Oh, so four as well. Yeah, four as well. Okay.

The DC's only like 16. Okay, and it's a dexterity stack? Yes. Okay, so four saves, five and six failed because they rolled four and five. Okay, five and six are paralyzed. Nothing happens if you save. You're good. You're good. It's no damage. It's not a damage. Nope, it's just the horrific paralysis effect. We're not trapped in this forest with this roll. Starnax. Was it my turn again? Oh wow, that was quick. Good. I am going to, oh god, I wasn't ready for this.

That was quick. Well done, gang. Thank you. Which is the five or six? Which looks weakest? Six. Six. I'm just going to try to coup de grace. As he's covered in, is he paralyzed? Yes. Number six? So you're advantaged. And if you hit? Yeah, if you hit, it's an autocrit. Autocrit. Yeah. I'll look at the wolf as it's paralyzed, and I will say, die well, my friend. I'm going to just bring my, and I'm advantaged because he's paralyzed, right? Yep.

It's still gonna hit. Yeah, it's a 16. Yeah, that hits. 16. So it's an auto crit. Oh, is that how that works? Paralysis is the one of the nastiest conditions. I think so. Oh my god, that's fucking nasty. That's gonna be 5 plus 12 plus 14 points of damage.

Yes. You bring your club down on the head of this wolf, and with a sickening crunch, its skull collapses beneath the weight, and you watch as the eyes that had been watching you almost too closely while this creature was dying, as they go milky for a moment, and then life leaves them completely. Okay, it's my turn? Yeah. Kai'Sa.

Don't take all the fun, Sarnax. And I reach behind my cloak and I whip out a coil of iron-wrought chain as I cast Chain of Conviction. I hurl, so this chain will leap out from my hand as the end of it, it explodes into a red flame. It's point-cracked, almost looking like a...

Not a morning star, something kind of like that. Like a pyramid, like a barb of sorts.

As I hurl out this chain, it moves with a serpent-like fluidity as it weaves around Sarnax and attempts to pierce into Wolf V. Okay, brilliant. You hurl a chain and hook a creature within 20 feet that you can see. The creature cannot move away from you for the duration of the spell. All attacks against the creature are made with advantage. The creature must make a strength saving throw or be pulled into melee range of me. Can it...

even do that if it's paralyzed. I don't know what paralyzed does to saving throws. You automatically fail strength index. So then you just pull them in? Yeah, so it just automatically goes.

And as it's pulling towards me and the chain is just ripping back in and it's flying through the air and it weaves back towards me, I swing out my greataxe and try and just fucking to kill it. Jesus. That hits. 16? Yeah, that hits. What do you say as you yank him in?

Please come over here. Please get nearer. I would very much appreciate it if you would die. 12 damage as I arc out with my giant greataxe. Does the piercing of the thing do any damage to it? Okay. No, but I mean, I got smite, as you were saying. I also got a second attack, so. You...

You watch as Taishan...

guides this chain towards the wolf. In a mere instant, the wolf is ripped towards you. It cannot resist you as it is held in this paralysis state by the void magics of Professor Asran. And as it gets closer, you slice your greataxe down on it, completely slicing part of the wolf

part of its back haunch from its body. It is dangling there on your chain for a split second, struggling, but its eyes don't say struggle. Its eyes look directly towards you, and if a wolf could smile, it looks like it would as it watches you. This is so rad. Yeah.

I also-- He's so bloodthirsty. --activate-- He's so . This has been pent up for like a year and a half. Listen, all right? This is a tricky-- listen. All right, I activate my sacred oath. I channel divinity.

Around me as this wolf looks up, you'll see almost like my draconic features will take on, become even more slightly draconic. My eyes look more lizard-like, dragon form, as flames will start to form at the end of my mouth as I twirl

my greataxe for a moment, stopping it in one as the black ichor from Professor's exploding creature wiped off the edge. And as I start to spin it, I will deliver swift and severe punishment to this wolf as I attempt to use Final Judgment.

I love this part. Me too. If the attack, oh, I guess I roll to attack. Oh yeah. 20. Oh, let's go. So I start spinning. You do 20 points of damage? No, no, no. This doesn't do damage. That's some gangster ass shit. I start to spin my greataxe in one hand.

as the blade arcs and spins like a blender. And I walk just to the side of the wolf, and as it's arcing one more time, as it spins, I catch the end of it in an arcing flame slash. I crash like a guillotine the blade down on the neck of the wolf. And it has to make a successful...

Do you want to DM this session? You're doing great. I didn't get up. I read this ability, and I was like, let's fucking go! Listen, I've been thinking about this moment. Oh.

All fucking day. The moment I hear, yeah, there were drugs in that thing. As I cast Final Judgment. Do you want your players to be excited about their character? Get the Crooked Moon. Crooked Moon. All I know is I'm about to guillotine the fuck out of this wolf. It's going to look out for me with all the goddamn eyes it wants to, but it's not going to have them for long. So...

If the attack hits and the target's hit points are below one quarter, their maximum hit points, which I assume were in that realm. I guess we'll find out. We'll find out. It must make a con saving throw. We'll find out. We'll find out. It must make a con saving throw against your spell save, DC. On a fail save, the target's head is severed from its body, instantly killing it.

What is your constitution, or what is your modifier in your spell save DC? It's probably like 25. It's probably not. Spell DC 15. Rolled a 13. I mean, that's very appropriate. You watch as this happens, and with a sickening slice,

The head is completely severed from the wolf's body. That's fucking gold! Tyshen is completely covered in a gush of blood as the arteries in the neck are severed and it just sprays all over you. The whirring of the blade that's spinning catches the blood in

all of your friends are completely coated in this windmill of a bloodbath. As you stand there watching, as the head falls, you watch as the eyes continue to move, as if something else is controlling them. - Oh, this is so, so awesome. - Before they finally go dark.

and it lands with a thot on the ground. My ancestors are smiling on me. The funny part about that, I gotta tell you, I had one hit point left. Oh, shit. That counts, that counts. I don't know what to fucking tell you. Our first final judgment.

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You can also go to thecrookedmoon.com to pick up your own copy of our first published supplement, The Crooked Moon, a folk horror tome for Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition. And don't forget to snag all of the extra goodies like dice, miniatures, plushies, a tarot deck, and more. Thank you. With that, it is Caprice's turn. That's me. I'm so sad.

You still hear this tune, even though I've mostly stopped whistling. It's still running like an earworm in the back of your head. Anyone who still has their bardic die, that is. Knowing that I'm playing a joyful tune, the emotion is rising up within you. Even in the heat of battle, you are...

Having a good time about it. And I'm just looking, just sort of tapping my foot and waiting to see the spirits emerge. And in the meantime, I'll just be like, oh, there are only two wolves left? This is dire. And I will blow a very loud whistle. And targeting right here, I'm just going to cast Shattered. Classic D&D stuff. I will make it...

a piercingly loud sound. Both of them need to make a constitution saving throw. My DC is in bold right here, 16. - Potentially a whistle only-- - Constitution saving throw? I rolled a three and a 17. So two fails, four passes. - Okay. I'm going to do 11 points of thunder damage on a failed save and half as much on a successful one. - So five.

What was in that muffin? You watch as Caprice does this, you see as some of the bones from the dead direwolves pop and break and shatter, piercing into their flesh as well. As they take a significant amount of damage, both of these direwolves begin looking around nervously for a moment before their heads slowly turn as if against their will and once again start staring at all of you.

One of them gives you a little wink. I plant my greataxe. I edge my greataxe into its skull. I cheated last round. I didn't hide behind a tree. I didn't have any bonus actions left, so I'm still just standing out here. That's okay. They were still going to do what they were doing last round anyway. I'm going to start my turn by using Sinner's Gamble. Ooh! Ooh!

I roll my Bone Dice. I got two pair. I'm going to use one more Sinner's Gamble to reroll one die and go for the full house. Come on. No good. But with two pair, I get plus two damage to my attacks. Nice. Wow. Do you keep the bonuses?

I no longer have the tent movement. I have upgraded my bonus for plus two damage. Three rounds. Unless he does it again. I get how it works. I'm going to shoot number four with my spectral voodoo gun. Oh, that's going to be 17 plus eight. That's definitely going to hit. That hits. Which is going to be 1d6 plus 3d6 sneak attack damage. Dang it.

- 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23-- - He has 10 hit points left. - 24, 25, 25! - You watch as Shepard takes the gun and lets out a blast, and in an instant, as this wolf is looking between you all unnaturally, its body clearly trying to run away, clearly trying to save itself, but something else keeping it here watching.

He lets loose this blast of magic and completely rips this entity apart, or this wolf apart. Just one left. That's my turn. Monster Swarm is going to...

You watch as it's similar to the other one. Its body is desperately trying to move away, but it is rooted in this spot. And you see for a moment as its eyes change again, and it clearly becomes the eyes of a frightful, hungry dire wolf. And it looks at all of you in fear, and it turns and it attempts to bolt away. And it is going to turn and try and run into the treeline.

I believe you have the opportunity. Oh! If you want to. Yeah, I want to! Oh yeah, send him to Foojow, that's what I was gonna say. Good or evil, Foojow will sort it out in the afterlife. He still hits. As long as you got plus eight, you're good. Plus eight, it's plus eight. Oh, 13. 10 is it's AC.

15 points of damage. You can use your Barnagin's Curation to increase the damage. 19 points of damage, and I smite it. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. It seems to shake off whatever

whatever is holding it here as it sees the horrific scene around it and self-preservation overtakes it as it lets out a yelp and turns and attempts to run. But you, in this moment, take your greataxe and you slam it down, severing the body in two. And with a loud yelp of pain, the dire wolf falls to the ground dead and silence spills out around you. And as you use your inspiration,

and you take the life of this dire wolf, a cartoon ghost is going to come out, and it's whistling that same tune that you've had stuck in your head this entire time. And because you rolled a four, the remainder, half of that is what you heal. You heal two points. Because I played a joyful tune and enhanced my bardic inspiration. What? That's so cool.

It says Super Mario Brothers 2, Super Mario Brothers 2, game of the year. Hey, everybody. Do the Mario, do the dire wolf. Oh.

You all stand on this road. You all stand on this road covered in blood. The corpses of six wolves surround you. I won't make you roll for it. Now that the heat of battle has subsided and you are able to gain some composure, you look down at these creatures and realize this was far too easy. You've fought dire wolves before.

And they are harder to hit. They are significantly more hardy. They do more damage. They are bloodthirsty and ferocious. And these were not that. And as you look down at them, you realize that they are emaciated. They are weakened. They clearly have lacked for food. They are weak.

and the state that you fought them in, they were not at their full power. They were clearly not ready for battle, though the way that they approached you and the marks on the carriage would all say otherwise. Something doesn't line up here. - Damn! Something doesn't line up here! - What do you mean?

Well, I mean, look at the carriage, or what's left of it. I was expecting a challenge. Come on, Professor, where are these werewolves you're talking about? These are just wolves. Ha-sha. Ha-sha. Professor? Professor. Professor isn't here right now. You know how he does that thing?

He's doing that thing again. As you are talking, you're walking. It is dark and you do still hear the sounds of animals in the tree line and you are not in any place to be taking on more wolves. You can only hope that your destination is down this path, but this is a forest unlike you've ever seen and you have no idea where you are. So you walk as you talk.

Alright, uh, Professor's a little, uh, uh, out there right now. Let's, uh, let's think, uh, Sarnax, maybe you can take the lead. You're good with the woods, you can help us get where we're going, maybe without too much creepy words and phrases? Yes, the Old Ones drink well. Heh, that makes two of us. But something is not right. That was not natural. Nothing is natural about this place.

Perhaps we will learn more at our destination. I'm certain it cannot be far. Sarnax was wrong. It was far. You walk for hours. It gets to a point where you begin to wonder if you're ever going to reach a destination. There is nothing here but woods. If a town becomes present, it is in the middle of nowhere, far removed from civilization in every way.

and you begin to feel doubt. What if this wasn't the right path? You had just awoken before all this happened. What if you were supposed to walk the other way when the carriage was knocked over and then was dragged by the horses? You lost your bearings. What if the carriage flipped around and you're going back the way that you had come? What if there was a fork in the road that you missed when you were talking and you didn't realize it was there? What if a path was obscured by all of the underbrush?

And as you're thinking these things, you see a sign, a small wooden sign that flops in the wind that shows that just up ahead is a place called Duskvale. Oh, is that a crossroads? Crossroads saved my life once. I bet I never told you that story. Oh, it's just a straight road. And it is just a straight road. Shepard is correct in this, as you all notice the straight road ahead.

You crest a hill and then you see a beautiful valley spread out beneath you. As the road curves down and nestled in the valley, there is a soft river that runs through it, a small and beautiful autumnal town decked out in the colors of autumn, oranges, yellows, reds, and browns. The houses all seem to be decorated for the harvest.

And you see, even from this vantage point, that there are people milling about this place in the middle of the night. But they're not acting like it's midnight or the wee hours of the morning. They're acting as if they had just gotten up for the day. People walking this way and that, taking wares from one house to another, a group of people and children dancing around the town center. It looks like they're erecting some sort of maypole.

The entire town illuminated by candlelight and lantern light. And it is beautiful. And overlooking all of this, the top of a hill next to a waterfall shining in the moonlight, you see what is very clearly the manor house you had been invited to. In beautiful gothic style, it's turrets raising towards the moon. It stands out in this picturesque scene.

It is surrounded by hedge fences with a gigantic wrought iron gate that closes it off from the rest of this village.

Looking towards it, you see a large balcony that spreads out from the second floor, two huge towers that shoot up the side with parapets and stained glass windows. You see that the grounds are beautifully kept. On one side is what appears to be a blood orange orchard, and on the other side, a gigantic garden maze. This house is...

elegant, rich. A stark contrast to the quaint little town that it looks down upon from its lofty foundation or perch. But overall, the scene is comforting. You can hear laughter and the sounds of music. And it's a nice change from the sound of the woods. Oh, Professor, tell me we're staying in the rich house.

This does appear to be our destination. Come on, Miss Isis, this is right. Tell me. Mr. DeSesto, do you have any of those muffins left? I'm hungry. Here you are. Thank you. My pleasure. I'll just add it to your tab. What's going on, Professor? You got a tapeworm? You can't stop eating all day. No, no, it's fine. It's fine. I just eat. It's a lot of activity. Lots to do. Lots to do. Is this the house, Victoria? Yes.

Up there. You are significantly far from it. I'm looking up at it. Just making sure. Yes. On a hill. There in the distance. I believe that's where we're meant to go. There's your answer, Mr. Morgan. Hot damn! Would you care for some direwolf shank?

I removed one of its haunches before we left. It's a bit stringy and dried out. Oh, don't eat that! That's how you're gonna get the tapeworm. Come on, you gotta cook that. No, you're right. It is uncivilized. I think that one was covered in the black ichor of the cosmic order.

Hey! I'm going cuckoo banana! Tastes like habanero! He looks up at you and his eyes are completely blackened out. So that's Ravenscroft here in Duskvale. I'm Chamberlain. I smell for pie. We have a piece of guitar over the wind.

Are we near any of the townspeople? You are. So the town is down here in the valley. You're up here on a hill. You've just come out of the forest. You're looking at the scene. And so during this conversation, you are making your way down. You will eventually get to the town. So the town's down here. Is it a manor? Yes. So the town's down here. Then there's a...

There's like a small brook that cuts through the town. The waterfall that feeds into that brook is on the edge of the cliff where the manor sits. Okay, so it's like us down in the valley and then back up to the manor. Yeah. And as we've been traveling, because it had been hours, your bardic inspirations would all have faded. And as each one did, another one of these... You die. Because you do?

As a punishment for not using your bardic inspiration, you die. Because every bard hates it when they give it out to you. I'm going to call it a bardic die. A small spirit would have left haunting around you and eventually arrived back in the other side of my jacket and I would have... Each one seemingly an old friend to me. Well, let's carry on. Perhaps we have...

Food, safety, shelter. They seem to be preparing for some sort of festival or other form of quaint merriment. Oh, I like the sound of that. It's charming, truly. I seem to remember that when we invaded Vicky's privacy, that there was some sort of a festival going on, right? In Aunt Rowan's honor. Yeah, yeah, let's go enjoy a festival. That sounds...

Pretty delightful. And it is right about this time that you find yourselves at the entrance to this town, and you see quite a few people milling about. Oh, you there, is that there on the hill, the manor house of Gonzarovich? Oh, hey, you're not from around these parts, are you? Clearly not. Wow, you look like her type. How do you do, my good lad?

I'm all right. I'm just taking some gourds and some pumpkins up towards the town square. Tonight, we're going to carve some. Are you here for the carving? Charming. My name is Professor Clayton Azran of Ms. Halloway University. I'm also the Grand Diviner of the Ruby Order of Occultic Mysticism. And I'm the leader of Mysterium Incorporated. That was a lot of big words. You want to rewind and try that one again?

I'm afraid we don't have the time. Wasted breath. All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. What, are y'all lost? We have an invitation!

You do? To what? Present him, maybe, with a letter? Is that, I don't know. Yeah, go ahead. Come on, Miss Isaac. I suppose I'll just, yes, share this private letter with anyone who we come across. Maybe just the seal, perhaps? He looks really uncomfortable. Look, Miss Isaac, the more people you share it with, the less private it gets. Just get it out there, get it over with, done with, bang. Surely. Yes, we've been invited by, is she going to pass on this?

She just signed it, Stradania Von Zarovich. We've been invited by Stradania Von Zarovich. Oh, you've been invited by the mistress? Yes, the mistress. Oh, yeah? What for? I'm kin to her late wife. Oh, he takes his hat off. My condolences, ma'am. Much appreciated. We're about to have a harvest festival celebration for her. She was the kindest. I mean, when she was still with us, God rest her soul.

She just, she did so much for the land. I'd never seen, I ain't never seen a cleric like her before. Dear Aunt Rowan, just like her. Our harvest festivals were the best and she always made sure we had the most fun and the most food and

We've missed her. And I'm not trying to say anything bad about our mistress. I mean, she's been grieving the loss of, you know, her wife, a loved one. And so it makes sense, of course, that she doesn't leave that house and that the city, she can't pay much mind. But she's making right by us with this festival. I mean, I don't know if you...

Well, I guess you just got here so you haven't seen, but we have wagons filled with stuff. We've got pumpkins, we're making pies, there are all kinds of decorations. We ain't never seen anything like this in the past year. I'm so excited. Everyone's so excited. Oh, it's great. Pumpkin pie? Yeah, it's great that y'all are going to be here for this. Oh, we need some pumpkin pie immediately. I could definitely use some rum to go with that pumpkin pie. A place to kick up my boots.

I comically lift off of the ground. I'm not. Only for 15 feet. Yeah, it smells. It smells. Well, well,

Robo-flight, ladies and gentlemen, in the crooked room. I think we have to do it. We do not have to do that! Well, I'm not going to pretend to know what the contents of your personal missive may be, but if you're looking for a place to kick up your feet, have a nice slice of pie, and

um get acclimated to the town before you uh have your i guess meeting with our mistress uh you you would do well to uh find your way on over to the end uh raven's roost if you head straight up to the town center they're erecting a maypole there right now it's the biggest building there it's got a sign with a raven and a roost on it

And pie. How convenient. And pumpkin pie. And booze. Oh, lots of booze. Warm fire. You know it. Soft beds. The softest around. Oh, guys, let's go. What are we doing?

What are you doing? Shake a leg! Come on, Professor! Where is this ancient barrow I've heard so much about? I'm sorry, what? Ancient barrow. I know of a barrow. A tomb full of countless relics? Professor, it's ancient. It's not going anywhere. Let's get a good night's sleep and a ton of food. I don't think we got nothing like that around here. I ain't ever heard of some ancient one. I know there's a barrow outside of town, but...

Outside of town, you say? Yeah, I mean, how else are we going to get the hay in here if we don't put them in the wheelbarrow? That's not exactly what I meant. There seems to be a miscommunication. We even get saved. Let's make our way to the inn. We used to have more than one barrow, but--

Like I said, the town has had a rough year with the loss of our other mistress. It looks it. And they have, hey, we've been working real hard to clean up this place. Well, clearly not hard enough. All right. This quaint village is a blight upon the land. You say that your deceased mistress did so much to the land.

I'd hate to have seen this place before she arrived. All right, all right, all right. You, sir, you are a gentleman and a scholar, and you have done us a great service tonight. Please pardon my friend. Sarnak's here. He's not accustomed to the local culture. He's been a lot of times in the woods. You're covered in egg.

End branches. Still to sleep amongst the coarse bark. No soft things. Well, you're welcome to head on back into the woods. I could use some rest. Let the wolves get you. I think we could all use a hot bath as well. I could clean up. You keep your friend in check. I can be understanding of this one, but I can't promise the rest of the town folk are going to take too kindly to this kind of

Understood. I'll do my best. He walks over towards you and grabs your hand. I can tell you're a kindred spirit. Oh, yeah. When you head on up to the Raven's Roost, we're just going to... All right. You let them know that you met Bentley and that Bentley set you up here. All right? You just let them know that. I keep shaking. All right. I take my hat off. All right. I'm starting to feel a little dizzy. Thank you for helping a poor sinner.

What? I'm sorry, what did you say? Come on, folks, let's go. I have one more question. Did two horses happen to run into this town?

No, not that I saw. Ripped to shreds. I saw you, bro! Shreds, you say? Bro, let's go get some pie! What do you guys think? He looks incredibly confused. I'll wave with my hat as I lead the gang towards the inn where he pointed to, and I look for the signage with the--

rooster and all that good stuff. It is very easy to make it to the Raven's Roost. This town is small. You walk up the small hill that leads to the town center. You see the maypole being erected. You see...

a ton of people here. There are children separating the sizes of gourds and pumpkins, and you see that there are women and men alike taking bits of straw and tying them together, creating fetishes and veritable flower crowns and

cornucopias and you see that they are, they're all working on something together. And it is quite beautiful, they all seem to be very happy, people notice you and they wave and welcome you to town. None of them nearly as suspicious as Bentley was when you came into town. Seeing you in the town center, they just expect that you're supposed to be here.

as you make your way up to the door of the Raven's Roost. It opens easily and you're immediately met with the smells of spiced pies, of savory meats and forever stews. A fire does roar in the hearth and this place is empty, but it's being taken care of. This town doesn't see many guests.

but it was prepared should it see any. And you do notice that there is a, what appears to be a human woman behind the bar. She has a book open on the counter. She doesn't even notice as you enter. And she's flipping through the book and she giggles to herself for a moment. You see her, you watch as she blushes a little bit and hides her head and

She reads a little bit more and she goes, oh. But she does not notice that you've entered. Excuse me, ladies. Hello, welcome to the Ravensworld. Oh, it's all right. Thank you for having me. She closes the book and she puts it in her apron really quickly. I'm going to endeavor to read the cover of it.

If I can. How are you planning to do this? With my eyeballs. I'm trying to perceive the cover. Can you catch a glimpse of who she is? I don't know. He's just magical. Yeah!

They hit the page. I'm also just like, "Please throw thumbs." Roll a perception check. Thank you. That would be my pleasure. Oh. I don't have inspiration for my son now. If you want magic, hold on. Twist it, twist it, twist it! Twist it! We gotta do the title. Magic Clover. All right, I should go roll the other ones. 14.

Okay. Talk amongst yourselves. I was not prepared for you to know the name of this. It's Guns, Germs, and Steel. Wow! What a pull! Jeez! I haven't thought about that in 15 years! Oh god.

Holy shit. I had to be suburban! That's funny as fuck. Yeah, my eyes shoot out like daggers. Okay, you read it, and at first, you don't believe the name that you see written on the front, and you quickly glance at the spine, and you see that it is written there clearly. Taste of Heaven, the Hairy and the Hearthy,

A halfling love story. We didn't mean to interrupt your casual reading, but we were wondering if maybe you had some space here tonight at your lovely inn. We'd love to have you at the inn. We haven't had anyone here in a long time. I'm Cammie, by the way. It's lovely to meet you. What brings you to Dusk?

Family business. Oh, I didn't realize that anyone here had family from out of town. All right. Also pumpkin pie. Oh, I make the best pumpkin pie. Would you like a slice? Technically no one here has family from out of town anymore. You can't even come together. You can't even.

That's exactly right, thank you. Yes. Cammie, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Capriccio Decesso. She seems very confused for a moment. She's still flush. It's nice to meet you, human woman. It's nice to meet you, too, teethling man. Love to enjoy your pie. Both? I'm sorry, what? Your pumpkin pie. I don't love a slice. Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Oh, maybe I have three. They smell delicious. I suppose I could. Give me a moment and I will grab a round of pie. She quickly turns and heads into the room behind the swinging door as you hear her fumbling with things and occasionally she goes, oh, oh.

Get yourself together, girl. Caprice, thank you so much for bringing up that young woman's past. It's my pleasure. I mean, you can smell it all the way out on the street. This is supposed to be a whole other session. Ever since we brought it to you.

I'm in town, there's nothing on my mind but pie. That's what I'm saying. Oh, do you think she's got any cream? I mean, I hope so. I'm just looking for the pumpkin pie. I mean, do you see the size of those gourds out there? Can't have pie without cream, I always say. And as you say this, she uses her hip to swing the door open as she's carrying a tray laden with pie.

Here's my pie for everyone. I covered it in my fresh cream and she puts it down on the table for you. You know you can't have pie without cream. Looks like the best pie in town. Oh, it's delicious. Everyone's had a taste. How big were the gourds that made this pie? The biggest that were brought in with this year's yield. Round gourds? Plump? Round? Oh, yeah.

Juicy. Everyone you say. I'll look at her and then I'll look between the things that I'll say. I suppose that's why they call it the Devil's Three-Way. Oh my god, there's hair in this. You got hair in yours? Lucky. Trade, trade! We got a bet. We black out.

- Holy shit. - Smitten unconscious by the DMs. - No, you're not. But you do enjoy the pie and you chat with Camilla a bit, Cammy, she,

She tells you her full name, Camilla Evans. She's been the local innkeeper for quite a while. She welcomes you to town, explains similar things that Bentley had told you. And she sits down with you and enjoys some pie alongside you as she...

endeavors to keep you company. She offers you, being guests of the mistress of the town, she offers you the largest suite in the inn, the nicest room that they possibly have, and lets you know that

The entire stay is on her. She feels sorrow for the mistress and what she has lost, and that it's the least that she can do for the kin of Lady Rowan, and explains that the entirety of the town misses her.

You learn a little more about her. You don't remember Rowan much, Victoria. You met her when you were a very small girl. And she made impressions. You remember her being kind and that even your father dared not

dared not say anything crass in her presence. That she was-- Cool as hell. That she was cool as he was. He made sure to keep himself together in her presence. And that it was very clear that your mother truly loved her.

And so it's nice to hear the way that she took care of the town. The Harvest Festival was something that was special to her and that everyone is very happy. As last year, you learned, the Harvest Festival did not happen for Lady Rowan was found dead on the day of the festival. It's been, as of the festival this year, it will be exactly one year since her death, which is what this festival is being, why it is...

so much care is being put into it as it is to honor her and the life that she lived and it is finally now that Stradonia is able to leave her mourning, that Stradonia has not been taking care of the village, she has not been sending the supplies, that the townsfolk have had to fend for themselves, create their own harvests and that the imports that they used to get from all over Druskinwald have

have no longer been showing up. And it is not until recently that Stradania has decided to grace the town with her presence again. And that once again, those imports have started to flow in. They have bread and cheese and wine and all of these things that they can't create on their own. And she seems quite happy. And it is in the course of this conversation that you are now full and happy and some of you a little drunk.

as the door of the inn, not slams, but slides open and a shadow begins, or a shadow appears in the doorway. The shadow of a tall, lithe figure. The shadow of a woman. She stands there in a beautiful black lacy bustle dress. Her dark hair cascading down her back.

over what is clearly a black velvet cloak that she has clasped around her neck, the symbol of a raven with its wings spread wide, the cloak down against her shoulders, allowing her hair to spill over. Her skin is pale. Her eyes are, in this light, almost read a pale red.

Her lips are a very similar color, stark contrast to the paleness of her skin. A veil is affixed to either side of her temples and it covers the majority of her face but you can still see these colors piercing through between the open areas of the lace.

And Cammy immediately clams up and stands up and bows and curtsies and isn't quite sure what to do before she rushes behind the bar and just stands there waiting to be addressed. And then you hear her speak. You answered my letter. You rode on the carriage and you have come to aid me. Was it for love of kin or for coin in mystery? It matters not.

Oh, thank gods. We will.

And I'm so pleased. She moves towards you with this unnatural grace, and she runs her hand along the side of your cheek. You look so much like her. The family resemblances. And she grabs your chin and moves your head this way and that. Uncanny. You see one lone tear roll down her cheek. It pains me to look at you. And she turns your face away as she looks away from you.

She turns around and she moves towards the door. She looks over her shoulder very quickly. "I will wait in my carriage. Do not take too long." "Of course." And she steps out into the street and all you hear is silence.

Every person that was out in the courtyard is standing either against walls or still holding what they, the tools they were using to carve pumpkins or the flowers that they were using to string flower crowns. None of them moves. It's as if they're all holding their breath as they watch this woman move through the thoroughfare. The sound of her heels clacking against the cobbled stone.

and you hear as it slowly fades as she walks towards her carriage at the edge of town. Well, I suppose that is our host. Thank God for not staying here. Okay, there's absolutely nothing wrong with this place. It's absolutely lovely, but...

Yeah, I mean, a little bit of serendipity never hurt. Let's go up to the big old rich person's house. If we're invited, certainly all of us, right, are invited to stay with a wealthy person that lives in a gigantic manor on a hill, staying in a dinky inn just seems... No, no, and again, there's nothing wrong with the inn. We are absolutely going to live with that. She gets in my inn.

She was in the inn. Is everything all right? You look a little starstruck. Camilla, haven't? She has never been in a room before. Oh. Oh my gosh. Do you think it was too dusty? Yes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

In the wilds dust does not collect. I have no idea what you're saying and I don't really care. She was in my... She was in my inn. Oh, you missed the chance to offer her your pie. Oh.

I will make sure that she gets this pie. Do you think if I gave you an entire pie? Oh, I'm lightheaded. Do you think if I gave you an entire pie, you could give it to us? Oh, yeah, she's going to gobble that pie right up. When you come back to town for the festival, would you tell her how my pie tasted? Yeah, yeah. I mean, would you tell me what she thought of my pie? I will relay the message. Look, I got one look at her, and I can tell. Isn't she beautiful? Pie fan.

Yeah. She's so pretty. Big fan of pie. She does have that look about her. Yeah. You know what? Give us a pie. I will be right back. You don't want to keep her waiting. Pie! I'll be right back. And she rushes to the back and you can hear she's stumbling over things, clearly knocking things over as she prepares a basket of two pies. Pile up.

I look at, uh, I look at Taishan and I'll say, "Mammals and their pie." It's good, but I don't understand the fascination. Neither do I. A big ol' bowl of eggs will do. Well, I'll give it a try. Fucking delicious.

It's a raw egg. It's like Rocky Balboa egg. Quite good. Quite good. This all worked out for the best, right? We're going to get a nice place to stay. You get to talk to your ex-dead relative's ex. And we get closer to the barrows with the treasure and all that good stuff. And we get paid. Are you looking for the wheelbarrow that...

We only have one left. No, no, no, not a wheelbarrow. We're looking for barrows like ancient graves. Oh, we don't have more than one. The barrow? Like the ancient grave. It's not a grave. Where the old ones reside. Yeah, we're not getting anywhere on the barrow front. We should be going. What do you mean when you say wheelbarrow? What are you referencing? Oh, it's, you know, like a small wooden wagon that you used to... It's a farming implement. Oh, no, okay, that's not it. We speak of an ancient tomb. No, no.

I've had enough of this town. What's a tooth? We'll be taking the pie. She hands you a basket covered with a cloth and inside of it are two pies. Clearly the biggest and the most beautiful pie. As soon as she hands it to me, I toss it to Caprice into the bundle. Into the carriage. And you hear glass shatter. This is a dream, oh! Don't worry, don't worry. I got it here in my bindle.

Thank you for your hospitality. You're welcome. I'm walking over to her storage cupboard and I'm pulling out all the eggs. What did you do?

Thank you for being so hospitable. We've got so much business to do. The professor says we gotta go. I gotta go. We've all gotta go. Cammy, you've been amazing. Thank you so much for your pie. You're welcome. You can have my pie anytime. I'll be back. Great. All right, Mysterium Incorporated, roll out. Transform and roll out. Let's go. Let us go. After you, professor. It's right behind you.

We go to the carriage. You walk through the streets, and people are once again beginning to mill about, but they all look hesitant and nervous. They don't look scared, but almost in awe, as--

You make your way through the streets. They look at you in reverence, knowing where you're headed to. Occasionally, these villagers look towards you and just point the way. They don't say anything to you. As you find yourself at a small exit on the opposite side of town, a...

leading directly up towards the manor house. There is a large black carriage there in a very similar style to the one that picked you up, but significantly more grand, significantly more decorated with gilded golden decorations. And this time you do see that there is a gentleman standing

who is manning the carriage and maintaining the horses. He nods to you and tips his hat towards you, but doesn't say much as he reaches around and opens the door to welcome you in. You see that Stradonia is sitting inside the carriage.

This is quite large. There's enough room here for all of you to fit on one side together. And with the way she spread her dress out around her, it's very clear that that is her intention, is for you to face her. And you all make your way into the carriage and take your seat next to her. How do you do, manservant? See, sometimes they call them manservant every time we walk into the carriage. They are manservants. I know, but it just sounds weird when you do it.

These are the trappings of civilization. Do not call them manservants if you now wish me to use that term. All right. We appreciate your hospitality and invitation. I appreciate that you have come. And I wanted to formally offer the services of Mysterium Incorporated. It is this band of excellent, capable individuals that I've assembled over many years that

We're able to fix problems, so to speak, and help you in various supernatural ways. And it is convenient, if not altogether uncanny, that in your employ would be Miss Victoria Isaacs. That's right. She will offer you our deepest condolences.

She looks at you for a moment, looks away and continues to look at Clayton, trying not to make eye contact with you. "Rowan spoke of you often. She wanted very much for you to come visit, but we could never find the time. She was a lady of the land. In a place like this, there was much land to tend to. She would be happy to know you are here now. But it is not for her that I... It is

But it is not for her memory that I have brought you here. And it is imperative that I tell you what has happened. Let us, as they say, cut to the chase. Please do. It is one year since I lost my wife. Yes. She flung herself from the second floor balcony and impaled herself on the maple that was to be used in the harvest festival. Oh my. My Rowan was sweet. She would never have taken her own life.

For the year prior, she had been wandering the woods when she found an ancient barrel. Buried beneath it, she found a mask. A strange, rotting, decrepit rabbit mask. She would not remove it from her sight. She kept it with her always. At first, I thought she just... Being a woman of hearth and home, I thought that she...

like the symbology of the rabbit and what it meant. We were lovers first. Mm-hmm. And she had needs, if you understand my meaning. Needs? Yeah. Physical needs. I do not understand your meaning, nor do I. I'm glad you understand, for I will not expand upon it. Were these needs exacerbated in some way due to the mask? I will get to this.

At first, the mask became a trinket, a token that she carried around with her. And then she began to want, she began to desire, she began to need, and I was all too willing to provide. Oh! But when she began to wear the mask, things began to change. She would speak to me in a tongue that she never spoke before.

a language I did not understand. She began to talk of whispers, of plans, grand plans for the two of us. I would find her alone at night wearing only the mask, speaking gibberish as she looked out at the full moon. She wore an ancient mask of lightly magical properties without knowing anything about it? It was found in the earth.

She did not think anything of it, and I was not concerned. When you see the thing, you will understand. And this is the artifact. When I found her impaled upon the maple, she was wearing nothing but the mask. I removed it from her body myself and have kept it in the trinket box ever since. I do not open the box. I do not look at the mask. I cannot bring myself to see it.

Look, I don't want to jump to conclusions. I just want to maybe ask a couple questions and make sure we're all on the same page here. I mean, look, it's not very often. It's pretty often the professor sometimes starts talking in weird languages. I've been known to tie one off, get naked, and stare at the moon. It's just, you know...

You do do that quite often, don't you, Shepard? I do that often, just, you know, occasionally when, you know, the drink takes me. You always say, oh, it is the full moon, people will be acting strangely. This may be a thing that you do, but this is not a thing that my Roman visit. All right, I don't mean any disrespect. This is wholly unlike her. It was.

She began to journal at first, and then she would write on anything and everything. The library, filled with countless tomes, contained her scribbling, her maddened scribbling. None of it making sense. Most of it I have had burned since. Or I cannot look at it. So I ask you this. I would have you look at this mask. See if you can determine anything about it.

For I have begun to hear the whispers myself. Whispers you say? As we near the eve, one year since our passing. Do you hear your words? It is not a voice or a language. It is a feeling. I see. I am afraid to keep the mask close to me. I would like to have you inspect it. We will. This harvest festival...

I fear that last year I did not throw one, for Rowan had passed. I was too aggrieved to continue the festivities. I fear we have angered the gods, and that this mask is now punishing us. Poor people have started to go missing in the town. The townsfolk believe that the hungry dire wolves are at fault for taking them, but they are far too emaciated.

to be eating human flesh. I think it is something else. So, I am throwing a grand festival to appease the gods in honor of Rowan and hope that at least that one problem can be cured. The only thing else that weighs heavy on my heart is this mask. For this evening I will put you up in her room. You may go through her things and see what you can find. And in the morning you will give me a full report, for tomorrow night is the harvest.

Yes. Absolutely. Yeah, we're in. We can discuss payment at a later date. Professor. She looks at you and she doesn't even flinch, as it was agreed. Yeah.

Yes. And it is at this time that you hear the creaking of the wrought iron gate, this grand gate that opens up between two hedge fences that encircle this entire manor. They open up with, as you can clearly see, no one opening them, just

automatically on their own. As they open up, you are led through a gravel pathway that splits and goes around a large fountain with a raven standing there with its wings wide open, its mouth up towards the sky, and a pillar of water shooting out and filling the fountain. It's quite a beautiful scene as the carriage curves around and parks directly in front of the house.

marble staircase leads up to the large red oak doors. The manservant leaps down from his post, opens the door, and carefully helps Mistress Von Zarovich out of the carriage, and then steps to the side and allows you to help yourself out of the carriage.

carriage before he rushes up the stairs and opens the door for her, both of them wide. You are immediately met with the light, a flickering candlelight. This dark oak interior, it is...

beautiful and warm and cozy as the light spills out onto the stairs. Stradonia makes her way up to the doors themselves before she turns towards you, her black lace morning gown trailing along the white marble stairs in a very stark contrast. She turns towards you and ushers you inside quietly. I told you, ma'am servant. Yeah, I mean, yeah, you don't have to say it though. It's rude.

Well, Mrs. Von Zarovich, thank you. I appreciate the hospitality. I know we all do. Have a good night. We'll take care of business. I will be escorting you to my dear Rowan's room. And it is there I will return shortly with the mask for you to see. You are sufficiently fed, yes? Yes, we are. Caprice, don't forget the gift. Oh, right, right, right, right.

It's like a pie. In the DCs? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie. It's the Tavern Girl's pie. It's the Tavern Girl-- Everyone seems to love it. Camilla, Cami Evans. In a fresh crate. You should just call her Camilla Anderson. No, Evans, Camilla. Camilla Evans. Maybe we should go back to the fucking end.

She removes the cloth, and you're all able, where you're standing, to look inside. Both of the pies have completely turned to mush, the crust everywhere. The cloth is completely covered in the fresh cream. It is an absolute mess. I will send this to the kitchen, and we'll have it for dessert. I know mending.

Johnson, please. And she hands it to the footman. And he's like, it's just a name. It doesn't mean penis. Not everything is dirty. I don't know what you're talking about. The main service name is Johnson. I was going to call

- I thought that was just two of them. - Oh man, don't be the sinner. - Children. - It's nonsense that she would keep her Johnson. - Johnson, please stand by.

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