Tatiana Maslany, Edi Patterson, Carl Tart
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There are approximately 100 pounds of spaghetti on me at this very moment. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Hmm. Hmm. Not sure about that catchphrase. Not sure it's going to stick, but thank you to Alfredo Solis Fuentes for that catchphrase. Catchphrase superstar, Alfredo Solis Fuentes. This is probably his 10th appearance in the catchphrase. Great try, Alfredo. The hunt continues.

The hunt continues for a catchphrase that will be permanent, perhaps next week. But until then, we have a great show for you today. My name is Scott Aukerman, first of all. And coming up a little later, we have a dating expert. That's I mean, I don't need it. I'm fine where I'm at. But maybe some of you out there could use a dating expert and he'll be here to give us a little bit of advice. But before we get to also, we have an actress.

But before we get to them...

Before we get to her. We have another actress. We have, well, I mean, are you an actress, Bean Dip? I don't know that you've ever. Oh, yeah, I'm, yeah. Have you acted in anything? Yeah, that's part of the deal. It's part of the deal? I don't, to be frank, I don't know what your deal is from day to day, so it doesn't surprise me, nor does it shock me. Okay, well, I've been in a couple of motion pictures, if you ask. Which motion pictures have you been in? I've been in a couple of motion pictures.

I did this thing called Flowers on the Wall. Flowers on the Wall? Is that what you said? Oh, I haven't seen that one. Oh, it's pretty sad. Also, they called it Don't Let the Raccoons In. Don't Let the Raccoons In. Okay, is that about killer raccoons? Yeah, Scott, great guess.

Well, I got to check those out. Are they rentable? Yeah, I think you could get it all like for your Netflix. Oh, they're on Netflix, really? Yeah, so get your VPN. Oh, I don't know that you need one as long as you have the app. Well, for your Netflix.

I don't know what you just said, but okay. European Netflix. Oh, European Netflix. I'm not on European. I'm on the good old USA level. That's why I said get your wee-pee ears. Okay, I don't know what you're talking about. Get your wee-pee ears and then you can have all the different Netflix from all the different nations. Yeah, Bean Dip, here's my co-host. I want to talk to you about something that's coming up, but I feel like we should talk to this actress. Oh, let's talk to her. She's gorgeous. Talk to her. She...

played such roles as name them all in order of appearance in order of appearance and date of birth and death how many of those clones died on that show lots did they all die the Russian one and everything wow did you watch the show uh

First off, she was Ukrainian. That's right. No, I did, you know, I moderated one of your Comic-Con things, and so I watched everything up to then and had to really keep it straight for that thing. And to be honest, got a little confused in the middle of it. Yeah, yeah. And I believe you helped me out there. You referred to your notes. Yeah, but, you know, I mean, everything fades from memory. I've talked about that on the show before. Like, it sucks, like...

You watch something and you read something, you should be able to remember it forever because you paid for it. Right. I also am like, that's my favorite thing. And then I don't remember. Yeah. You don't remember anything that happened. I mean, it's great that you can rewatch or reread something, but it's like, no, you paid for this. You should be able to remember every little bit of it. Right. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway.

Tatiana Maslany's here from Orphan Black. Hi. Hey. This is Bean Dip. Have you ever met Bean Dip before? No, but she's, I love her. She does sound like she's covered in a lot of spaghetti. I'm clean of spaghetti right now. Yeah, right now. Okay, so that's... Sometimes I'm covered in it. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's fun, right? It's fun except in the summer. Let's not get stupid. Yeah.

Now, I have you both on, but there's something pressing in the news that I need to... Not you, Tapp, but there's something that I got to talk to my co-host about. I want your opinion on it, too. Do you want me to leave the room? Oh, okay. Do you want me to plug my ears and go, la, la, la? Boy, this is a real hard choice. Sophie's choice here. Leave the room or continue. Do you want me to listen actively?

I think I'll have you stay. Okay. But, Bean Dip, something happened. You mentioned Netflix. Ah! And I... Something happened on Netflix a few weeks back. Oh.

that on one of their popular shows, a show called Love is Blind. Tatiana, have you watched this? I watched the first season when I had COVID. We binge-watched the entire first season in one day. In one day? Really? Okay. It was one of those COVID time warps where it was elastic time. It's like 10 episodes, 10 hours. It's not hard. I think we actually bailed on the final episode. We didn't even finish it. Well, we were like, oh, we know. And then it was like the recap, and I didn't care.

I did, Carol. You did? I've watched every season. I love it. You've watched every season, so you know what I'm talking about. Yes, I know what you're talking about. The titty slap. Yeah. Okay, so...

So on this, not the final season, because I'm sure they're going to make more. Well, they better. If they know what's good for them, they know what they're getting their money from. But the most recent season, I guess, there was an incident that happened off camera, apparently, but was talked about where one of the contestants gave the other contestant a... A titty slap. A titty slap. And then...

Called it by a certain...

A certain name that they seemed to all think was an actual thing. They all agreed on it. No one said, what are you talking about? They all went, oh, uh-huh. They all went, oh, okay. So an unexpected titty slap is a bean dip. Yeah. And I heard this and I called you up immediately. And I said, bean dip, we have to get into the studio. And I thought, well, let's get into the studio, but I'm already suing.

So you're suing, who's in the lawsuit? Netflix, I would imagine. Netflix, USA or Europe. Merriam-Webster. Merriam-Webster's dictionaries and a cyclist. The entire band 98 Degrees, I would imagine. The entire band 98 Degrees. Also, the entire band of Frito-Lay for making V&D. Yes, that's right. Yeah, get them involved. This is copyright infringement.

Copyright infringement, yes. Any magazine that shows bare breasts is sued. Really? What about any woman who has breasts? Well...

I can't go that far, Todd. Okay. Todd? Todd? Yeah, because then suddenly you're suing half or 51% of the population. That's right. And I can't sue who I'm for. Yeah, exactly. So how's the lawsuit coming? So you're deep inside this at this point. I'm deep inside this, Scott. And I'm just, hey, let me just tell you, man.

I'm already so rich, but I'm about to get even richer. Hell yeah. Are you familiar with Elon Musk? Are you familiar with Jeff Bezos? Are you familiar with everybody that everyone's mad at because they got too much money? Yeah, I wish I wasn't, but yes, I am familiar with these people. Well, I'm fixing to be over them. Over them. So you want to be the richest, not only just woman in the world. Person. Person in the world. Yeah. Wow. I'm fixing to be that because they should not have...

That's all face. Don't step where you can't do shit.

Don't step where you can't done shit. Okay. Don't step where your cat done shit. Like where your cat done shit. Oh, where your cat done shit. No, no, I understand you. Yeah. Like I really get you. Thank you. Scott is trying to be obstinate. I don't think I'm trying to be obstinate. I'm literally trying to interpret what you're saying. Don't step where you can't done shit. Don't step where your cat don't shit. Where your cat done shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Now who doesn't understand her? All right. Uh,

Well, that's I mean, I think if you could include Elon and old Bezos himself in this lawsuit, you could really, you know, steal all their money. Oh, that's a great idea. Yeah. They probably slap someone in the tit once or twice. If you think they haven't.

You have not learned how to read your own thoughts for correctness. You have not learned how to read your own thoughts for correctness. Okay, I heard that one. That was pretty clear. Thank you. One doesn't get to be a billionaire without slapping a few titties. No. Right. You got to grab a few pussies. You got to slap a few titties. Yeah, that's how it goes, I guess. But they finna get got. That's right. I think I would impose like a tax policy.

on any titty slap or any pee grabs. A tit tax? Yeah. Oh, okay. Titty tax. A tap in the titty tax. Yeah, a tap in the titty taxes. The tit slap makes me feel like the tits are like walls.

Like they're shaped like a wall. Well, it's a hand to a tit. Right. But like you're slapping. Wait, you thought it was a tit to a tit slap? That's what I'm picturing now, like a chest bump. I thought they were just slapping them together, their own together. No, this was a woman who went up to one of the contestants and just went whoops. And then was like, banged it up.

And then the controversy was she told her boyfriend to do it. Fiance. Oh, fiance. And it was one of the factors that contributed to them breaking up because he just casually mentioned it in front of a bunch of people like, oh, I heard that my fiance bean dipped you. And he was like, I was told to maybe bean dip you today. And she was like, I don't know. What are you talking about? What?

And he's like, ha, ha, ha. I heard that my fiance did that to you. And she said, maybe I should do it. And then the fiance is like, I told her that in confidence. And it was a joke. You're not supposed to actually bring it up to her. That's the biggest marriage betrayal I've ever heard of. Yeah, it is. And then she got mad, understandably like a person would. And then he got extra mad to prove that she was the wrong one. He was a full psycho. Did he cry? Ah.

No, he just gets like pouty. That guy just gets like pouty. And he sleeps downstairs. He sleeps downstairs. He goes to cheat with somebody and then when she's like, were you cheating with somebody? He's like, how dare you, you fucking bitch. I don't know. You're paraphrasing a little bit, but...

And then Nick Lachey, he doesn't intervene at all. He's like, what is he there for if not to step in and go, hey, hey, hey, guys, of course it's me, Nick Lachey. They love it. He's just a statue guy. Each separately take a few beats. You know what I mean? He's there to, what, just set up the whole show and then do the recaps at the end? Like, come on, get in there and get involved in these people's relationships. I think him and Vanessa Lachey are there to stir the pot. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I think she's there to go like, oh, well.

When y'all gonna have five kids? It's interesting because I think she was embarrassed to be on the show the first season and she was like actively not doing a lot. And then it became a huge hit. And then starting season two, she's like really getting up in people's faces and going like, you need to do this and you need to do this. She likes to shame people. Yeah, she likes to shame people. She likes to go, you need to be on this TV show because of the merit. Yeah.

I also found it interesting how often she negs her husband and she admitted to going to therapy about it and trying to change her behavior because she was doing it on camera so much. I think it caused some friction in the household. Well, it should. Wow.

They both seem like a lot. They're such good role models for all those love is blinders. That's true. I mean, that's what they want to be. They want to be like the pie in the sky. Like, oh, let's be like Nick and Vanessa. But hey, real talk, they seem disgusting. They get into some freaky shit. Do you think that if they got divorced, and I pray that they don't, but if they did, would they continue to do the show like the Flipper Floppers, you know, the El Musas show?

You know, where they were divorced and couldn't stand each other, but they had a TV show, so they continued to do it. Tarek. Yes, Tarek. And what's the other one? She looks like Skipper. Christina. Oh, yeah. She has a commercial now where she goes, hi, it's Christina again.

I want to sell you. I'm like, again, this is our first interaction. Yeah, bitch, where were you before? To leave me out of your previously on Christina. We just met her.

Who's Christina? She's a flipper flopper anyway. What's a flipper flopper? From HGTVs. Oh, from HGTVs. What do you want to talk about, Tatiana? I guess flipping houses. You want to talk about books or literature? Yeah. Books or literature. I read this great book called The Bible recently. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. Oh, lots of flipping and flopping happening there. Cover to cover? Cover to cover. Darn. That whale that Jonah was in? The whale that Jonah was in and that got flipped and turned into an apartment. That's right. Yeah.

And sectioned off into a bunch of... He was like, you know, it's actually pretty comfortable in here. I was down here for like 60 days. Exactly. Anyone could live here. That's right. The thing you get out of living inside the well is like, oh, I didn't know...

Oh, I didn't bring any artwork down here. Oh, but the ribs could be like a gallery wall. Yeah, they could. Or a xylophone. Oh, yeah. I mean, there's a lot of like guts and stuff like that, which is sort of like modern art. Totally. The little throat thing could be a punching bag. The uvula. Yeah, you have a gym right there in the throat. Teeth are like toothbrushes. Teeth are like toothbrushes. Yeah, you use one of them a night.

You just have to go rub your face on it. You rub your little mouth against them. Okay, now I was with you until that one. The stomach is like a little trampoline. Yeah, okay, yeah. When the whale poops, that's your TV. Yeah. The whale poops in the desert. It's like, oh, hey, my show's on. Oh, my show's on. You get a glimpse of the ocean as the poop comes out in the ocean. You can see the ocean around it.

I'll climb up by my chest. When the poop is out, but the anus is not contracted. Yeah. When it has a prolapse. Yeah. You got to hold it open. You got to put your body between it. Stick your little head out. I wonder if you could hear what the brain is thinking, too. Oh, you can. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, Tatiana knows. You can key in. Yeah. You can stick your head between all those little synapses. You know, they invented the stethoscope so we could hear what the heart is thinking. Shouldn't they invent a stethoscope for the brain where we can hear thoughts?

Yes. Yes. I think it's called your mouth. Oh, you got burned. Oh, damn. Why are you high-fiving right now, Bean Dippin', Tatiana? Yes, Tatiana. Come on. Roasted. We're slapping titties together. That's our high-five. We're Bean Dippin', dog. Tatiana, what do you got going on? You were, of course, a lot of people know that you were on the...

television show She-Hulk right where the fans rose up and supported us and let you know what they thought of you I get emails all the time

I get instructional emails on how to make it better. Oh, really? Yeah. I mean, you do pretty well. Great job. But. Oh, but. Some notes. Love the character. Some notes. Oh, yes. Some notes on how to make this fictional green woman more real to them. Did I ever tell you I got fan mail that was like, you're perfect for this part. We love you. And the photo was of Alison Brie. Oh, wow.

That's so cute. I wanted to frame it. You should sign it. Yeah, I know. It's like...

What's going on with that show? Are we seeing Jen Walters again? Are you in these new Avengers movies? We need to make some news here. Look, honestly, Comedy Bang Bang, we're in our 15th year here. We have the 15th anniversary coming up in a few weeks. Congrats. Thank you very much. But the long slide into obscurity has begun. Yeah, out the butt. Hopefully that anus is still open and we can see what's going on. But...

Look, the show is losing its relevance. You know, you got, you know, other shows out there with, you know, big celebrities, the smartless crew. They're getting all the attention. They get Joe Biden on, you know, it's like Joe Biden. Come on, comedy bang bang. You've been asked to talk to Andre P. But of course he won't. So what we need from you is we need to make some news. Every time you've been on the show before, you've made some news about what's going on in the Marvel Universe. What is happening?

I'm in all the movies. Hey! Yeah! Yeah! I not only do walk-bys a la Hitchcock, because I directed them all and wrote them. Oh, my God. But also, I've just...

I just superimpose my face onto every other character. Whoa. Sorry, guys. So you're sort of like Kang. You know, they fired the guy. Yes. You're like crying from the Ninja Turtles. I know that's a thing now. Here's the thing.

They fired that other Kang guy. Yeah, that Kang guy. I'd put you in the role. You're used to this shit. You know, playing all these different, like, you know, doppelgangers and everything from The Orphan Black. I also know what Kang is. You know what Kang is? Yeah, I know what Kang is. You don't have to explain it to me. Definitely don't give me any backstory of what you mean by Kang. No.

Because I know what it is. You know what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd be great at it. You know, like sitting around, you play a nerdy version, you play a brash version. Totally. The homicidal version. You've got all this online. You've done it before. The New York version. Yeah. The new, hey, what about a little pizza? The Chicago version. Chicago version. The Detroit version. Oh, those sound a little similar.

Honestly. Well, there's nuances there that you're not picking up. Oh, I see. When I'm kind of bopping my body up and down. Oh, that's. Oh, the physicality. I'm doing it twice for Detroit. I see. We do once for Motor City. Oh, so it's like Morse code body version. Right. So you. Yeah.

I mean, just stick Tatiana as Kang now and you got the problem solved. And in fact, you could probably just use old footage from Orphan Black and no one will notice, right? Just Kang it up slightly. Yeah. Just Kang it to the side a little. Make you have a purple hat. Have a purple hat that Kang wears and the little green kind of frilly doily thing around his neck. He's got a doily. See, you know Kang. I know Kang.

I know, Ken. He's got like a cravat or something. Yeah, and those little heart-shaped underwear. Yeah, exactly. They're shaped like a heart. They don't have hearts on them, but they're shaped like a heart. But he's probably wearing representative underwear beneath. Yeah, obviously. If he's the cartoon character that I know he is. Of course, yeah. For sure. But then you also play She-Hulk. Right. And you hooked up with Daredevil in She-Hulk. Daredevil.

Off camera. They cut away from that. Was that important to you? But we did have to do it. Did you request that? I did. I was like, I'm method. So I'm like, I gotta fuck everybody I fuck on this show. So you fucked Charlie Cox, the actor who played... No, I fucked Daredevil. Oh, wink, wink. Okay, got it. So you actually requested, hey, could we turn the cameras off during this? Yeah. I was like, guys, just be in the room with me, but just avert...

the camera. You can stay here, you can watch. Right. So the opposite of a closed set. I love a non-closed set. I love a massively open public set on sex scene days.

We don't charge. It's not pornography. It's just an experience we're all having as a... Exactly. You know. So you... Yeah, so you hook up with Daredevil and you know Daredevil's gonna be in these dang movies. So, like, it would be great to... It'd be great to have, like, one scene where, like, they're swinging towards, you know, the Beyonder or some shit and they're like, oh, we gotta stop this guy. And then Charlie Cox, like...

does a double take, which he's blind, so I don't know if he can do it. He does a double sense. A double sense, yeah, a double hear. A double hear. A double take with his ears. And goes like, it's a checker banged. Yeah, but I think the problem was that I didn't lock it down. I wasn't like, we should go study. I think if I had been his GF...

Yeah. I'd be in all those movies. Well, I would think that you'd be in the new Daredevil series, wouldn't you? There's a new Daredevil series. Now you're playing it coy. I know you're in it. Yeah. Because anytime you deny something, here's my theory. Anytime you deny and go like, what? You know about it and are part of it. And then anytime you lie about something, it's not true.

Ouch. You just read me like a book. I read you to filth. You read me to filth. For filth to filth. I don't know. Near filth? Filth adjacent. Yes. Well, this is very exciting. Yeah. Because you know you're going to pop up in one of these, but they may just CGI the whole thing. Don't you write these?

Can you not write me in? I gotta write me in. And draw me looking like me? Yeah, I could probably do that. Yeah, let me call my friends at Marvel Comics and see if I can do that. But this is very exciting. Bean Dip, you want to be in the Marvel Universe? Oh, sure, I'd love to. Yeah. Bean Dip, what would your superhero, what would your thing be?

like if I you know like if I'm walking near something that's like all dirt you know I could like shoot stuff for my fingers and then corn would grow.

Corn would grow. Okay, so you're like the incredible corn lass. Yeah, but I could feed any place where I need some food. Yeah. Okay, yeah. All these superheroes, they beat up poor people who are just trying to steal some bread, like Jean Valjean style. This is absolutely taken down by superheroes. Oh my God, can you imagine Batman v. Jean Valjean?

I was like, Russell Crowe played Javert. He played Batman. Yes. Didn't he? No, but who plays Jean Valjean again? Oh, it was you. He played, but he's Wolverine. Wolverine V Jean Valjean. That's pretty good. Oh,

Wait, who played Jean Valjean? Now I'm confused. Hugh Jackman played Jean Valjean. Yeah, he did, right? And he played Wolverine. Wolverine. Let's get these two in a movie together. Let's get them on a real life street fight. Yeah. First, let's just make them street fight. Uh-huh. And then maybe we have some cameras set up. Yeah, for sure. Take some footage. And everyone watches an open set. Yeah. Won't be hard to get a few GoPros. It won't? No. I mean, it'll be expensive, but it won't be hard. It won't be hard.

How many GoPros do you have, BeanDip? Right now, I've got about 1,600. And on you right now? 1,600. Yeah, while I'm in my car. That's too many GoPros. How do you even fit in your car? Come on, dude. They're tiny. Yeah, but they're tiny. But 1,600 of anything is going to take up some space. All you need in a car, man, is a place that's simple. Where your hands get on the wheel.

Isn't it hard to imagine that 1,600 pennies is just $16? That's disgusting. Like that, it can't even get you anything. It's sweet green. No, that's disgusting.

Gross. Whoever thought a $1,600 penny is that much is a dick. Yeah. That's right. Well, look, guys, we have to take a break, but we have a dating expert coming up. Is that this exciting to either of you? I mean, Bean Dip, you're up in these streets. You have so much going on. I need some advice right now, so this will be great for me. Oh, you do? Yeah, because my romance stuff is getting a little bit tricky. Okay. Uh-huh.

All right. Well, and then, you know, who knows what's going on with you? You keep it very private. I'm so, so ready to get back on the scene. You're ready to get back on the scene? Yeah. Okay, great. All right. Well, let's take a break. Let's tarry no further. We'll take a break. And then when we come back, we have a dating expert. That's right. Lothario Lewis is here. This is so exciting. We're going to be right back with more Tatiana Maslany, more bean dip. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Tatiana Maslany of The She-Hulk Show. Hi. The She-Hulk Variety Hour.

And what else? Oh, there was that Perry Mason show. I did that Perry Mason show. Yeah, you played like a crazy preacher or something like that. Correct. Yeah. Was that fun? Oh, so much fun. Yeah. I loved it. You ever get wet on that show? You know, wet day was just last week. I got so fucking wet on that show. Yeah.

When you're a preacher, you do baptisms. I know exactly what you mean. Soaking wet. Yeah, you were soaking wet, right? That's very exciting for wet day. Wet day, yeah. The holiday was just on the 10th. Okay. Yeah, so I bet you were really wet on wet day. I was super wet on wet day. I'm wet every day. I try to wake up wet and go to bed dry. I love to hear that.

We also have bean dip here, and bean dip from obviously the owner and proprietor of the W Hotel out here in Los Angeles. Yes, but not the other ones from the other places. Yeah, that's right. How's your business going, selling the cucumbers and hot dog buns? It's going great, Scott. Hot dog buns.

I don't know if you know, but we've expanded. You've expanded to what? Like expanded locations or your menu? More shops and the menu. Oh, really? So what are you selling now? Well, now we do pizzas that are also inside of buns. Oh, okay. So like rolled up, almost like a calzone? Well, like a piece, a whole piece, a triangle piece of slice, but it's shoved into a bun, a hot dog bun. Oh, I love that. More carbs. Yeah, more carbs, man. But unless you want to meet lovers, get your protein. Yeah. Okay.

Unless you want to meet lovers, get your protein. Yeah, unless you want to meet lovers, get your protein. But if you want your carbs, hey, get just a plain pizza with no meat on it, served in a hot dog bun. Well, all it costs you $14.50. Oh, really? Oh, okay. Yeah, I mean, that's more than $1600, or less than $1600, Penny.

I guess what I meant is 1,600 pennies is more than that. And it would give you a little bit of change, 150 pennies. Yeah, 150 pennies and your car loading, so go have a marathon, you dicks. Yeah. Uh-huh. You ever run a marathon? Oh, yeah, dude. I've won a couple. Really? You've won marathons? Uh-huh. Really? Yeah. Which ones? New York City. New York City? It's always someone from Kenya. Well, okay. Then I guess I'm from Kenya, bitch. Okay.

Is that a shirt? Gotta get some shirts going. Well, guys, it's, you know, why are we wasting time here? You know, you both have questions. We need answers. This is his first time on the show. He's a dating expert. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Lothario Lewis. Hey, hey. Hey, it's great to meet you. How you doing, Scott? I'm doing really well. Hello to you. This is Tat. This is Bean Dip. Hello, Tat. Hi, Lothario. Hello, Bean. Scott, I've been receiving your emails.

I understand that you want to cheat on your wife. You are ready for infidelity. And I am here to help you. Okay. I don't know that I meant for those emails to be public, but... Oh, this is a public thing? Yeah.

Oh, did you think this was just a confidential one-on-one? I thought we was having a one-on-one. I see you brought a couple. Okay, no, no. They're guests on the show, as are you. And these are microphones we're talking into right now. I thought that was for me to hear you better, so you could tell me what you want to do in regards to cheating on your spouse. No, this is actually a public podcast, uh...

I was like, oh, Scott's getting freaky already, especially with all that wet conversation y'all just had. Scott, you didn't tell me it was going to be a couple. Yeah, Scott, that seemed like you were really gunning for her. Okay, no. This is just a misunderstanding, honestly, including what he's saying. Taking that out of the conversation, what type of dating expert are you? I'm an expert in teaching you how to cheat on your spouse. Okay, well...

All right. Well, Bean Dip, I know you had some questions for the dating expert. Does that fit into your parameters? This is perfect, actually. Oh. Yeah. I didn't know you were married.

I'm married, dude, but I've been in a committed thing for a minute. As you know, like, I date a few public people. Charlize Theron. Charlize Theron, Bobby Carnavali. Yeah. Leonardo DiCaprio. Yeah. But anyway, Charlize wanted to get back together, but she wants it to be too serious. So I need to figure out a way to, like, do stuff on the side. So I'm really glad that Lothario's here. Okay, great. I'm glad to be here. Okay, well. Scott, you didn't tell me it was going to be so freaky in here. I know.

I don't consider this to be freaky. This is just a normal episode. Exposed brick when there's supposed to be sound being caught. Yeah, I know. You didn't tell me. There's a fireplace going. There's a fireplace going. I mean, this is kind of a personal... There is tuna fish on the screen. This is a personal residence that I had to turn into a...

Into a recording studio. Into a freak hut. You did say come here today to the freak hut for the recording. Did he tell you that? That's what I got too. I mean, it's a nickname, but you can't say something. You can't say nicknames are actual names. When I said that I would allow him to take on my services, he did say meet him in the freak hut. And I said, I'll be there with the quickness. It's going to be sweet butter biscuits when I get there.

You did say that, yeah. I can confirm that that conversation happened. But tell us about your process. What exactly do you do? Well, I can show you better than I can tell you. Oh, okay. So let's say you, a person who has sent me an email saying that you wanted to cheat on your spouse, are ready to start cheating on your spouse. First, we go out and we hit the town. Okay. You see a little yeah that you like. Uh-huh. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean, by the way. And you walk right up to her.

and you get the show going. How you doing? My name is Scotty D. You know why they call me that? You can take a guess.

It's because of my dick. And that's it. That should do it. And that's it. That should do it. That should do it, really. Okay, well... And that's at a bar. Do you like going to bars and things like that? Not especially. Where do you like going? Nowhere, really. But, I mean, if I had to, maybe a bookstore. A bookstore? Or the local cinema. Hey, are those books you're reading? You know what books contain? A lot of different letters.

You know what my favorite letter is? D. That stands for dick. Do I need the music when I do this? Absolutely. That's the only way it works. Do I need to download it on my phone or can I just play it through an app? Definitely download it. Don't use digital streaming platforms. The artists don't get those payments. They get paid half a penny on the dollar. Well, I'm going to be doing this a lot. A quarter, a sixteenth of pennies on the dollar.

So you should buy the song. Buy the song, yeah. And play it that way. All right. 1,600 pennies. Yeah, and they might get $16 out of it. 1,600 pennies of Avenue. It's where my president lives. That's right, yeah, an address that changes all the rules.

According to Wesley Snipes. But I'm sensing that a lot of your technique is just steering the conversation back to the letter D somehow. Scott, me? Me?

You say me like we've met before. And I know your qualities. He's acting like Tariq's wife. Yeah, he is. Christina again. Scott, where else is somewhere you like to go? You like to go to bookstores? You know, I might like to go to a park. A park? Sure. Hey, those kids are playing over there. Uh-oh. Oh, boy. I don't know. I...

Can you land this plane or do we need to abort? Excuse me? Abort? Speaking of kids. Okay, no, no, no, no, no. I kind of perverted when you were steering everything back to the letter D. Well, you didn't let me get to it. Okay, go ahead. Go ahead. Sorry. So you're at a park. Uh-huh. Hey, you see those kids playing over there? You see that barbecue grill?

tossing and turning all that meat. Yeah. Ooh, he's got some big old Polish sausages on there. You know what those remind me of? The country of Denmark.

Do you know what that starts with? The letter D. Okay, can I ask you something on that one? Okay. I have a question too. I think it's the same one. I'm always down to answer questions. It's pretty interesting because it seemed like we were getting on a direct train from Polar Sausages to D for Dick.

But then we went to Denmark, and I think there must be a complex reason why. Because when you're cheating on your spouse, women love wordplay. Okay, but the words need to make sense. Let's say you need a little bit of yeah, yeah, you know, some way. Believe me, I know what you're saying at this point.

Todd, where do you like to go? I love to go, you know, to the mall. The mall? Yeah. You're looking to cheat on your spouse with another man? I am, yeah. Or a woman. Or a woman? Which one? Jews? Whoever. That affects it, especially in a place like the mall. Okay. Well, are you? Okay. That affects it. So, wait, which one did you pick? Wait, why does that affect it?

Well, I think he's trying to get back to the word D, and if it's another woman, then... Not exactly. Not exactly. It just affects what stores we in in the mall. Let's go straight for men. Okay. Hey, I'm Todd. That starts with a D. S-T-U-V. Vagina. Vagina.

Wow. Okay. Can I ask one more question about this? Oh, please. Yeah. Please. Huh? Oh, wait a minute. I didn't finish that one. Oh, great. Okay. Good. That must be the thing. Yeah, that must be the thing. Yes. Do you have this in a size four? That's it. That was the finish? Because you still got a shot. Forgive me for picking your size. I don't know if that's the size you were. It's a size I identify with. I...

I mean, it's not very elegant. What? Me? Scott. This person I just met? Me? Lee? Thario? Lee Thario? Lee Lewis? I'm still stuck on what does Denmark have to do with Poland? Everywhere is Europe, Scott. Sure, I guess it's Europe.

Look at those tuna fish on the screen. Why is it real freaked in in here? Yeah. It's a screensaver. I'm sorry. Uh, uh,

I don't know. Uh, tab, what do you think of that technique? Does that help you at all? I mean, I'm definitely intrigued. You're going to be cheating. No time. Yeah. I feel there's a cheating tickle happening. Yeah. Yeah. If you had a question for me, well, I did. I guess I'm a little thorough by. And it must, I think I just must've not got it, but S T U before the V for vagina. I just was wondering what they stand for. Suck. Tot you vagina. Uh,

is a question. I guess I didn't even realize it was even an acronym. I thought they were just sequential letters in the alphabet. Y'all are not thinking cheatingly. I see. So, is there a difference in your technique if you weren't cheating on your spouse? I don't understand. Well, say you were just a single person and you...

I am perpetually in relationships. Oh, you are? Like perpetually married? Perpetually married. Like you're a serial monogamist? Serial monogamist. Except when I'm cheating. Okay. And how often is that, if I may ask? Never. I would never do that to my partner.

However, you, Scott, emailed me. Look, I heard you were a dating expert, and I just emailed you about like, oh, not for me, but I want to hear these techniques. When a married man emails a dating expert, what is he trying to do? He's trying to cheat. He's trying to cheat. I'm not trying to groom anyone. I'm not trying to cheat. Oh, that's why you chose the park.

Hey, look at those kids playing over there. I'm Scott Alkerman. No, no, that's not me. Please don't. No one isolate that and make that a drop or anything like that. Please. That was not my voice. That was Lothario Lewis. Lothario, can we do our... Well, I'm playing Scott Alkerman and you're the person that I meet that I want to team with? Absolutely. Oh, great. That will help me understand. I love improv. Great.

You love improv? What improv have you seen? Oh my gosh. Everything. Everything? You're a completist. I'm a completist. Okay, here we go.

Having trouble with your music? We need to give them a location. So this is truly like improv where we get a location. Could I please get a location? They're in an art gallery. Do we need to give them an object? That's more short form. Oh, okay. We're going long form on this. I don't know that we have time for this to be a herald. Thank you, art gallery.

Oh, hey. Hi. Man, I see those kids on that field trip looking at that painting. Do you? I do see them, kids. Wow. I wonder if any of them have dicks. And scene. Okay, I don't want to. Wait a minute. Say, oh, I'm sorry. What's your name? Oh, I'm Scott Aukerman. Okay, no, no, that was not me.

I don't want to be associated with this. Scott, you emailed me. Just to be on the show. You sounded like an interesting guest. Anytime I get an email, especially from a man,

I know what he wants to do. I'm like Hitch. Hitch was based off of me. I didn't know that. Oh, man. You know, that's a Scott Hasn't Seen. Maybe you should do an episode. Lothario hasn't seen it. Hey, we don't require our guests to have seen it before. What's the story of Hitch? Lothario has maybe seen on TBS. Okay, yeah. I feel like I've seen the scene where he has a big allergic reaction.

I'm not supposed to know too many details about these movies before we watch them, but what's he allergic to? Bees? Bees? That rhymes with D. Bees are shellfish or something like that? Yeah. Bees rhymes with D, and that stands for? Scotty D. Scott Aukerman. Hey, is that a bus full of school children over there? No. No. It's not. It's not. It's not.

It's just a regular bus. Scott, I think you are taking this in the wrong direction. Yeah. Every time I say that, I'm just making an observation on the surroundings. When you were cheating, the woman that you were trying to cheat with loves to see that you are, you can be visible. You can, that you can be

You could see things. So they want to be able to see me and they want to know that I can see them. Yes. Yeah. That you can see them. And then as soon as you see them and they feel seen, it's sweet butter biscuits, baby. Okay. I, I don't know that. Look, first of all, I'm not the one who wants to cheat and I don't think these kids wanted to cheat. Yeah. So that was, that was with a woman, uh,

Oh, that was with a man. That was with a man. Now let's do it with a woman. Okay. And where are you at? Where am I? Can I please have a... Hello, we are Lothario Lewis. Can I please have a suggestion? I'm at the DMV. At the DMV. Oh, this is a great place to pick up women. It's where I'm the horniest. Yeah. Hey, excuse me, miss. I don't understand how to fill out this part of the form. See, was I supposed to put my previous... I've lived in multiple addresses. So am I supposed to put all my addresses that I've lived in?

in the past 10 years or just the most recent address? Okay. Okay. I'm sorry. Please don't send me to another window. Oh, you're going to give me another ticket? Okay. Now serving D-174.

I mean... That was so hot. Like, the attention to detail. Yeah, a lot of detail. The way that he, like, created where we were. Yeah. He was really... I don't know that you needed the leap to the number being D-174 when D is right there in the location DMV. No, no. You want to double D at all times. That's too on the tip. That's too on the tip. Okay. Look, Lothario, we need to take a break. Do we? I don't know that these are good tips. What?

Not good. Scott, me? Yes, you, guy I just met.

We need to take a break, but can you stick around? Me? Yes, you. Stick around. When we come back, we'll have more with Lothario here. We'll have more with Bean Dip and more Tatiana Maslany. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Tatiana Maslany is here from Orphan Black and were you in a movie? I was in a movie, Stronger. Is that what you mean? I don't know. I'm just grasping at straws here. I've been doing it since I was nine years old. Yeah, what's the Stronger movie I've been hearing about? The Stronger movie is a movie I did with Jake Drill and Hall. Oh, that's right. Yeah. Brother to Maggie.

Right. Not many people know that. Yeah. She ever come by the set and be like, hey, I know this guy. She came by and she's like, what are you doing on this? There's only room for one actress. We had a we had a whole. Yeah. There's usually a one actress per movie kind of rule. Yeah. Especially at the time. Yeah. This is pre me, too. So. Oh, right. Yeah.

Slim Pickens. I gotta watch that. Who was it referring to, him or you? Yeah, it was a fight between the two of us. Which one's stronger? I know you've seen the Roadhouse or whatever trailer. Right, yeah. You'd think it was him. You would think, yeah. You would think. The way he's jacked himself up. But where did you think he learned how to get so jacked? Hell yeah. From you, She-Hulk herself. Hell yeah, brother. The She-Shredder. We also have Bean Dips here. Hi, Scott. Hey. Hey.

I like how you say hey Scott every time we have an interaction. Who, me? Yes, when I talk to you, I'm talking to you. That goes for everyone on the show, including Lothario here. I guess a lot of us aren't real clear on when you're talking to us. Yeah, no, I am talking to you. Lothario Lewis is also here. I'm talking to him. Hey, what animal is that on your screen right now? It's a dolphin on the screensaver. Dolphin. Spell that for me.

Well, backwards, it's N. D. Well, guys, it's time to play one of our favorite features on this show. We play it every week, and this week is no exception. It's time to play a little game called Would You Rather. Would You Rather

All right, it's time to play Would You Rather. That's on time, the frogs, right? We don't like to say exactly, but fair use, whatever it is. Oh, right. My song is not.

It's time to play Would You Rather. We all know how this is played. People send us Would You Rather scenarios to our X account. That's right. They change it from Twitter to X.

My favorite website, x.com. And that is CBBWIR, Comedy Bang Bang Would You Rather. People send us Would You Rather scenarios. I will read it out loud. I will then open the floor for questions. Please do not ask me questions before the floor is opened. That is very rude. Um,

But once I open the floor for questions, you're free to ask anything you want. You don't have to go one by one. You just get in there early and often ask as many questions as you like. That'll help you narrow down your choice. When I close the floor for questions, there will be no more questions asked.

And I'm going to have to stick you to that. If you ask any more questions, that will really, really anger me. And then I'll go around the horn. I'll ask you which of the scenarios you have picked. And then we'll tally up the points and we'll see who wins. All right, here we go. All right. This comes to us from Alexander Adrock, a.k.a. Adrock512. Alexander asks, would you rather be able to make Beetlejuice appear anytime you're in a work meeting?

Or hear the Jaws theme anytime someone you don't want to talk to approaches before you ever see them. Would you rather have the ability to make Beetlejuice appear anytime you're in a work meeting or hear the Jaws theme anytime someone you don't want to talk to approaches before you even see them? What do you think? What's work, Scott? Is that a question? That's a question. I haven't opened the floor. Oh! Now, you're a longtime listener of this show. Oh, my God.

We got to know each other because you came to an actual live show dressed as a Ninja Turtle. Right. I'll see myself out. Presumably you're familiar with the rule. We play it every week. Okay. It's been a long time I've been hearing it. I was excited to ask a question. All right. I'm so sorry. I'm going to have to dock you points. That's negative 371.

Uh, being that you're at zero Lothario, you're also at zero. All right. I'm opening the floor for questions. Lothario asks, by the way, you don't need to phrase it like jeopardy or in the third person. What does Beetlejuice bring to the table? That's a great question. Honestly. Well,

Look, you've seen the movie Beetlejuice, I would assume? Lothario hasn't seen. Lothario hasn't seen? We've got to do an episode of Lothario Hasn't Seen about Beetlejuice. I've seen parts, bits and pieces. Bits and pieces. Well, you know, that's a lot like some of the bodies in Beetlejuice. They're just in bits and pieces because of the way they died. I remember Geena Davis in that movie. Is it real? I know exactly what you're saying. Well, look, he's got an irreverent sense of humor. We can all agree on that.

he kind of says the things that we're all thinking that we dare not say, but because he's dead and has no filter, I don't know which influences him more, but he says these things and we're all just like, Beetlejuice, I mean, I was thinking it, but you said it?

So he kind of would bring a sense of fun to these proceedings. He would make things float in the air, I can only imagine. And he would disrupt the meetings. I would imagine there would be a big commotion so that it's almost like throwing a smoke bomb in the middle of a meeting. Like you'd be able to escape the meeting and everyone would be like, well, what happened to Carl? Oh, who knows what happened? I mean, Beetlejuice just appeared. Who? Oh, I mean, Lothario, of course. Yes.

So does that help you? Me? Yeah. Now I am talking to you. Yeah, that helps. Thank you so much. Okay. Any other questions? Hmm. Okay. I got a little bit of a question. If the Jaws theme is going to play, is it going to be from inside your head, like you have to have an implant in order to hear it? Or is it like a personal speaker?

That's a great question. So is it like connected via Bluetooth to something that you carry around with you? That seems like it would be a drag, wouldn't it? Constantly have to have like... Or make your bag pretty heavy whenever you're trying to, like maybe if you're trying to run. Yeah. No, it's inside your head. Uh-huh. People can hear it if they press their ear up against your ear. Oh, that's kind of cute. Yeah, they can hear it kind of faintly. Oh. So if you're ever ear to ear with someone, you know, then... Ear to ear.

Hey, you hear that? I do too. Because we're ear to ear. I'm Scotty D. What's that sound? It's the sound of children's laughter. In a meadow. In a meadowlark. Meadowlark. M-E-A-D.

I thought you were getting to metal arc lemon somehow from the Harlem Globetrotters. And then you're going to go to sweet Georgia Brown. And from there, I don't know.

But yes, I hope, does that answer your question? That really does. Thank you, Scott. Wonderful. In fact, I enjoyed that question so much, I'm going to give you two points. Oh, thank goodness. There you go. Yes. Can I ask a question now? You know, just you asking that makes me so angry, I'm going to dock you another two points. That's 373 in the negative. Oh, man.

Just ask your question. You don't have to ask me. You know the rules. Does Beetlejuice do a meeting? Does he do a presentation for you? Like a PowerPoint? Yes. Has he prepped the subject matter? Is he aware of the company that he's showing up at? Do you have...

Do you do you like is he standing in for you? Is he helpful? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the first couple of times, honestly, he's just he's as surprised as you are to be there. And so he doesn't know the company. But, you know, after a while, you brief him and he gets debriefed on what the company is, the parameters of your job and what you require of him when he is summoned.

Uh, so after a little while he becomes very helpful and he spends the off hours, uh, in that sort of, uh, alternate universe or, uh, uh, you know, wherever he happens to reside in, uh, kind of, uh, becoming very familiar with the company and prepping PowerPoints for you and everything. So, yeah. So, yeah. So, and after a while, like honestly, the third time you summon Beetlejuice in the middle of a meeting, people are like, oh yeah, this is Tad again. Yeah.

And so they're used to it. And so you can just kind of step out and go, Beetlejuice is going to take over for me now, guys. And you just step out. Or lean back in my chair, put my hands up and put my feet on the table. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. That's a power move. Feet on the table? Scott, I knew it. I knew why you called me today. Why? You wanted to hear this woman talk about her feet.

I mean, I don't mind. Of course you don't. It doesn't gross me out. Of course you don't. It's not enticing me or anything like that. Enticing you. Scott, we'll talk. We'll talk? He did say take off your shoes when we came in today. He did. He did. Well, it's raining out there. He did not say that to me. I have to admit, though, me and Tap both have our shoes off. And when I just took my shoes off, Scott Aukerman did say, hey, get those socks off too, honey.

Look, your socks are filthy, though. You have to admit that. Oh, big deal, Scott. I used them to walk in a river earlier. It's raining outside and your shoes are bad enough, but then I saw your socks and they're covered in leaves and filth and grime. Yeah, it's a new thing, man. Have you ever heard of Wim Hof cold plunge? Have you ever heard of health hacks?

Yeah, sort of, I guess. Yeah. Well, walking in your socks in nature, that's going to keep you alive and healthy for many years. You might catch cold with wet socks. Oh, get out of here with this 1950s bullshit. You know what heals colds, Scott? What heals colds? Dimetap. And what does Dimetap start with, Scott? Spell it for me, Scott. Well, there's one letter and then there's I-M-E. What is that one letter, Scott? It's D. D.

I'm surprised you didn't go with vitamin D. Yeah, Dimetap. It's an unnecessary step. Dimetap is delicious. It is really good. Yeah. They've improved the flavor. Have they really? Because when I was a child, it was delicious grape. Yeah. Any other questions regarding this choice? No. I'll put probably solid. You feel solid, really? Ah!

Even though you don't know about the other themes that play in your head when other things happen? I mean... Oh, I didn't know. Well, you're not asking the right questions, are you? I have another question. Yes. What's the theme that plays when you're cheating on your wife? I think it might be this song, actually. Oh, yeah? Is this an option for the Would You Rather? I think it might be.

What song is this, by the way? I know it as the sample that Big Papa uses. This is Between the Sheets by the Isley Brothers. That's right. Yes, the Brothers Isley. 1983, Scott. Between the sheets, Paul, you and me. Wow, you have such a beautiful singing voice. Let's take it back to 1983 for Scott. Let's see. Scott was 13 years old.

And that was the best time of his life. Running around school with all those kids. Okay, look. Please, I just want to make it clear to the listener. This is not me saying these things. You were 13, Scott. It's fine. I guess. But I don't have an affinity for that era.

In any particular way? A connection is made. I sing that every time I play Connections for the New York Times. Do you really? You just go... I go... I don't do that part because you got to get into the game. Right, yeah, yeah. Connections made. Let's get in it. Well... Are you trying to make, you know, like, bold as Paul?

Yeah. Yeah. She's not trying to make boulders fall. Yeah, I was like, are you trying to do sound effects of boulders falling? Thank you for that one. I needed that one. Thank you, Chad. So really, no other questions. I mean, the floor is not closing for another five minutes. We're just going to be sitting here staring at each other. Huh. Okay, well, I'll ask something. Yeah, I mean, look, we got nothing better to do. Okay.

Beetlejuice is going to come to your work meeting. Will he be bringing any coffee? Also, if he brings coffee, will he start to get very, will he get rowdy and disruptive? And will he do some jokes? And if he does jokes, will they be knock-knock or will they be regular old-fashioned, hey, three people walked into this place? Hmm.

Great question, Bean Dip. You know, honestly, like Beetlejuice, the way he normally acts, I'm kind of like, maybe we need to switch to decaf. You know what I mean? That's hilarious, Scott. Yes, that's hilarious. Oh! Oh! Fuck. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

But to answer your question, yeah, he does bring coffee. Wait, what was the kind of coffee he brought? He brings coffee peen and coffee. Oh, dang. Lothario, did you hear that? I did. He was going to say coffee peen and deeley. Oh.

You got me.

Well, thank you for that question, Bean Dip. That's another great question. I'll give you another two points. You're at plus four. Yeah. Okay. So the soundtrack, when the jazz soundtrack plays, is this from an entire orchestra? Are we talking a MIDI version of the song? Oh, great question. So almost like it's a 1988 computer game or Atari game or something like that? Yeah, it's like a truncated sort of... Right. Right.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be cool. The Jaws soundtrack. Yeah. Or is it John Williams' full orchestra? It's actually, you have a tiny John Williams inside your skull conducting it with an even tinier orchestra. Does he take requests? Yeah, he does. Oh, wow. But only songs he's written. Oh. So you can do like the Superman theme, the can you read my mind? Oh, you have a beautiful voice too. Oh, Bean Tip and I, we both have beautiful voices to you. I can read your mind.

Answering the musical question, can you read my mind? Bean dip with, I can read your mind. So does that help you narrow down your choice? Yeah, I'm getting close. I'm going to dock you another three points. You're negative 376.

Is it Beetlejuice for Michael Keaton's or is it Beetlejuice for Howard Stern's? Oh, you thought it was the Michael Keaton one? No, it's the Howard Stern one. Oh, okay. Good to know. Good to know. I've got another question. Yes. Is Beetlejuice butt naked? Hell yeah, brother. Of course he is. You think I'm going to bring Beetlejuice to a meeting and not make him be butt naked? No.

Especially the one from Howard Stern? Yes. Of course. Yeah. The private parts posted. Yeah, of course. Great question. Great question. I'm going to give you one point for that, Lothario. Sweet. The score right now is, Bean Dip, you're in the lead with four. Great. Lothario, you have one. Please, please, please, please. Tat, you are negative 376 at this point. Give Tat my four. Okay. Oh my God, Bean Dip. We can do that.

So negative 372. Bean dip, that puts you at zero. But just because you did that, I like your style. I'm going to give you another four points. Oh, man. Bean dip, that's so generous of you. It's like you're deliberately...

Are you emphasizing the D? Helping me out. Oh, LaGuardia. Is she coming for me, LaGuardia? Actually, Scottie D, give my one. Oh, okay. Bringing her score to what? To 371 in the negative. No, no, no, wait. Because she was at 374. And then she got four from being dipped.

That puts her at 270. No, she was at minus 376. Give him back one of my points. What do you want her to get to? Give him one of my points. That's going to help trigger whatever you want to do. Scott, I think you know what I wanted to get to. I don't, really. I wanted to get to 370. Okay, so I'm going to... Area code 370. Do you know what area code 370 is? No.

I don't. What is it? Where is area code 370? 370 is the Lithuanian country code. That's what I'm talking about. And it is dialed after I-D-D. What? Look, I've been on board with most of these. Well, you know where Lithuania is close to? Denmark. I guess.

All right, I've closed the floor for questions. The five minutes has elapsed. I'm so sorry if you have any more questions. We're not going to get to them. I'm very, very sorry. Currently, the score is we have Bean Dip at four points. Lothario, you have zero. Actually, you have minus one because you want to give Tad another one. No, I only have one.

You had one, but then you gave her one. Yes, it. Which got her to 371, but you wanted to get her to 370. So I took another one away from you. Oh, fair enough. So, but Tad is at negative 370.

So I'm going to ask you for your choices and why. Let's go around the horn. Let's start with Tatiana. I'm going straight with Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, because I want to see that little wet butt shaking its little business body. His BB. His little BB in a meeting. All right. Great. So we got Beetlejuice. All right. Bean Dip, how are you voting? I've got to go for the Jaws thing because I really...

A push hitter when found out it's a real life John Williams orchestra. And by the way, he never dies in this scenario. Obviously, Scott. So he should be happy about it. Right. So he gets to live on. And I think it's cool you can request anything from him. So I'd love to have a soundtrack day every day. Good night. Yeah. All right. And Lothario, how are you voting? I'm going to go with Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Because...

D like cum and me want to nut. I mean, cum is already in that. You didn't need to just change it. D like cum and me want go nut. Okay, all right.

All right, well, Bean Dip, I'm so sorry you did not pick the right answer. Jaws is incorrect. That's okay. So because you both picked the right answer, you both get one point. So that takes you, Lothario, that takes you to zero.

uh, bean dip. You have four. Okay. Which means you're a winner and tap that takes you to three. What? 69. Oh, yeah. That's right. Thank you, baby. You're not going to start the music on that. For what? You've never done that, my man. For what? He only does letters. Not no. That's gross. Yeah. Don't be gross, Scott. All right. I'm sorry. I would have never answered your email to cheat on your wife. I knew you were going to be disgusting about it. Well,

Well, that is, of course, how we play a little game called Would You Rather? All right. Good game, guys. That was exciting. You know, honestly, when you voted Jaws and I knew it was the wrong answer, I was like, boy, the other two are going to pull it out.

Well, I think that's great for them. Honestly, I think it's very sad that you are starting to worry about, oh, they're going to pull it out. Oh, somebody's going to lose. It just shows deep, deep jealousy. Well, I mean, you won in the end. They weren't able to make up the chasm. How deep is that jealousy? Oh, boy. That's it? Okay.

Well, guys, we are running out of time there. We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is a little something called plugs. It's very easy to mix those two things up because they have very similar purposes. One was to feed Africa, and one was to brag about how they're going to win the Super Bowl. We are the best!

Open the plug bag, please.

All right, boy. Elefario, you found that very funny. I rather enjoyed that. That was, of course, based on the conversation we had with Jermaine Fowler a few weeks back when he revealed that he always got We Are the World confused with the Super Bowl show. And that was We Are the World Champion Chicago Bears by Chris Finke. Thank you so much to Chris. Great plugs theme. And guys, what are we plugging here? Tad, what do you have here? I'm plugging my...

my demo reel for future employment. Yeah. Oh, great. What's on your demo reel? Because I... Who edited it? Who edited it? I had a professional editor do it. That's so awesome. Yeah. Collected all the work I have been up to lately. So like every line you've ever spoken on any show? Every line I've ever spoken. Quick cuts. Did, did, did, did, did.

And it's alphabetized so that, you know. Have you ever thought about, like, if you really did that and just took, like, you did five seasons of Orphan Black. You did one season of that Perry Mason. You did a few movies, apparently one called Stronger. Right. And then you did 10 episodes of She-Hulk or so. Like, if you just edited together every line you've ever done. Yeah. And just did it really quickly where, like, there's no pause in between the lines. Like, and it probably would come out to, like,

maybe 90 minutes. And that's the summation of your life and your work. Wow. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. You know what I mean? It almost doesn't seem worth it. Yeah, I'm going to retract the demo. There's other careers I'm kind of interested in maybe pursuing at this point. Yeah, you sort of have like a lab coat on or something like that. That's what my husband said as I was leaving. I was like, what am I serving today? He said, lab coat sheep. You look sort of like Beaker on the Muppets. And the coat is not helping. No, no.

And these vials that I have. Yeah, well, that's a big... These bubbly vials. That's a big part of it. Yeah. I'm going to go into science. But look, you're available to be cast in things. Are you still offer only or is the work thinned out so much that you're... Oh, no. You're going out and auditioning? My quota's gone down. Oh, my God.

The only quote I've got is, give me a job. Well, that's great. I mean, you're available. This is the thing. Yeah. More people need to come on here and be honest about the fact that they need work. Right. And this is a great platform. People who cast things listen to this show. Definitely. So, like, you know, you're an Emmy Award winning actress. Like, let's put you in shit. You know what I mean? Thank you, Scott.

Thank you for saying that. You're one of the great treasures of American cinema and television. That's true. That is delightful to hear. Again, stressing D. What? No, I'm not. You mentioned your husband. Is that the one you're going to cheat on? Out of all of her husbands? Yeah, out of every husband. Is that the one specifically that you're going to cheat on? Or is it one of the others? I haven't decided. Gotcha. Again, saying D. I don't know what you're talking about.

Bean dip, what are we plugging? I'll plug some stuff on front of mine. Oh, yeah, great. You've talked about a friend you have on other shows. I got this friend, Edie. I say, what's her name? But what's the last syllable in that? Oh, yeah, D, baby. Oh, yeah.

Okay, great. Yeah, just a nod to it. That's all I wanted. Yeah, so Edie Patterson. You can watch all the seasons of The Righteous Gemstones on Max. The Whitest Gemstones? The Righteous Gemstones, you dig! Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

That's right. Right now, there's two seasons, right? There's three on max right now. There's three on max right now? We're going to go into filming our fourth one in the summer. Oh, that's so exciting. Yeah, that's exciting. I mean, her. Yeah, of course. Yeah, that bitch. She's about to get into it. Or watch, if you'd like, I did, she, you

You got me twisted, Scott. I'm so sorry. If you like shows like Resident Aliens, she did some of those. That's all right now. I think on Syfy. I don't really know because I don't know her life. That's cool as hell, though. Yeah, that's cool.

That's a cool show. It's cute. Yeah. And heartwarming. Also, you got that, or she has that role in that Knives Out movie. That's right. Yeah, where she plays a very frightening person. Hey, people are trying to rent movies right now, Scott. People like to watch things from TV. Yeah, well, I mean, I think you could watch that on TV, probably. Oh, okay. Well, in that case, go for it. Yeah, why not? Yeah. Yeah.

And no spoilers, but she's dead halfway through. You can just turn it off. Yeah, you can turn it off after she's dead. That's true. Lothario, what do you want to plug? More about what do you want to plug? Another woman that is not your wife. Because that is why you emailed me, Scotty D.

Again, you're just my producer. In fact, I didn't even email you. The producer emailed you to be on the show. And the producer said you needed some help. And I'm here to help you, Scott. Help, meaning I need to kill time on this talk show that I do. But other than that, you can listen to some other podcasts. Like The Flagrant One. Patreon.com forward slash The Flagrant One. A basketball show hosted by...

by Carl Tartt, Hayes Davenport, and Sean Clements. I have a question. Do they ever drop the act? I still don't know. Also, listen to Foosballs, hosted by Carl Tartt, Greg DeLon, and Ryan Meharry, a football podcast. Find it wherever you get your podcasts. Ooh, you can also watch In the Know. In the Know.

Peacock. Yeah, that's two of them right there. Peeing and cocks. Peacock. Yeah. Hey, girl.

That's the end of your plug. Beautiful voice too. Wonderful. Look, I want to plug, hey, we talked about it last week on Wet Day, but the Comedy Bang Bang Tour, 15th anniversary tour, the Bang Bang Into Your Mouth Tour, we're coming out to a town near you. And if you don't live in a town near these places, you better pack your shit and move to one because we are coming by starting June 13th.

We're coming out there and we're going all across North America, so many cities, all the way through August 18th.

And we hope to see you. If you want more information, and I'm not quite sure when tickets go on sale. They might be on sale today. Maybe they went on sale Friday. I'm not quite sure. Go to cbbworld.com slash tour, and we'll have ticket links up there for you. Go into so many cities. Boston, Brooklyn, Philly, Washington, D.C., Atlanta, New York.

We're finally hitting Arizona, San Diego, Salt Lake City, never been there, Denver, Austin, Dallas, Toronto, Royal Oak, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Madison, St. Paul, Sacramento, Oakland, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver, so many places. Come out and see us. It's Paul F. Tompkins and I on every show, and then the Comedy Bang Bang players, all stars will be there. We'll have really good shows. All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Somebody please close the damn blood bag.

Okay, that was Dr. Vinny Boombatz by Randy Smith. Thank you so much for that plug remix. If you have a plug theme remix or an opening the plug bag theme, go to cbbworld.com slash plugs and leave it there and you can be famous for a week. And Randy Smith and Chris Finke, you are famous guys. I want to thank you so much.

Tat, so good to have you. So great to be here. Thank you so much. Good luck in your quest for fame. Thank you. I hope that someone casts you in something and it finally hits that sweet spot of popularity as well as critical acclaim. That would be a delight. Yeah, a delight. That's right. You're doing this on purpose. And honestly, Lothario is asleep at the switch. He's fumbling with his iPhone right now trying to get back to the theme. I don't know.

Before he does, a bean dip. Yeah, Scott. Rue is in the heart?

Oh, okay. Okay. I understand what you're saying. You're a good rapper, too. Hey, thanks. Wow. Amazing rapping voice. Beandip, great to see you. Thanks for clearing up the love is blind situation because, I mean, honestly, they can't get away with this shit. No, they can't go to, like, put my name with something that was mine.

not nice. Yeah, I mean, you've titty slapped people. Of course I have, Scott. It's a daily occurrence. And you call it a bean dip. Yeah, I call it a bean dip, but they can't. That's right. Copyright. Hey, mess around with something that belongs to somebody else, you're gonna get, you're gonna fall on the plant. Are you sure that maybe that, you know, this person who titty slapped someone and called it a bean dip wasn't like, it's like six degrees of separation from you titty slapping one of their friends or something? Well, it could be

You know, it might be Scott because I am a sister-in-law with Vanessa Lachey. What? But... Wait, your sister is married to... My brother is Nick Lachey. What? We have never talked about this, I swear. So we are sister-in-laws. So maybe...

You're one of the, your other brother is the other Lachey from 98 Degrees? Uh-huh. I didn't know they had an untalented sister. Come on. You know what? I'm going to take your hoodie, put it over your face. Don't bean dip me, please. I'm going to turn it around, lift it up, bean dip you, shove your hoodie right up your butthole, make your hoodie come out your mouth, and then bean dip you again. This isn't sexy, Lothario. This is a threat.

Lothario, great to have you on the show. Thank you for having me, Scott. And I know our one-on-one isn't done because we haven't gotten to accomplish what we came here for. What do you think that we're here to accomplish, Scott? Scott, I don't want to say it again. You emailed me.

I did, but again, I don't think I'm going to go out there and cheat on my wife. But I thank you for being here. I appreciate it. For all of those out there who want to do that, Ashley Madison, I think they, as far as I know, went out of business. I wouldn't know. I never set up a profile. Ashley Madison. Oh, that was the cheating website. Yes. You're the only one who remembers that. I mean, it rose to fame. Never mind. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Do you want to play the theme again?

We'll see you next time on Comedy Bang. Okay, please. Comedy Bang. Oh, no. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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