Poppy Liu, Suzi Barrett, Matt Apodaca
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Comedy Bang Bang

Adrian Grenier is red. Kevin Dillon is blue. Enhance my entourage, Jeremy Piven, to you. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Cranky Panky for that catchphrase submission. I don't know if it's going to stick. I don't know that I want to say Grenier every single week. Am I even pronouncing it correctly? Grenier? Grenier. Grenier. Grenier. Grenier.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Cranky Panky, that one's out. The hunt continues for a new catchphrase, but welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, everyone. My name is Scott Aukerman and a very Jeremy Piven to all of us, as well as many Urkels to you, many hamburgers. But am I speaking code? Do you understand anything that's happening right now? My mind was blown right before this, and so I'm still recovering. We have a pre-blown mind, of course.

I would say a newly formed mind. Newly formed. Yes, you're a new person right now. Exactly. I am in infancy of the brain. We have a wonderful show today. In addition to the person I'm speaking with, with whom I'm speaking, which I will introduce. Okay, whom? I dropped one whom. Okay, Scott. Who?

Who-whom's? I have never whom'd in my life. You've never whom'd? I don't know when to use it. From what I understand, it's every time. Okay, well... Instead of just saying who, always say whom. So who is not a real word? Who is for owls, my dear? Whom are you?

Oh, you're speaking about whom? That actually sounds perfect. That actually sounds amazing. But in addition to this person, I would love to introduce in just one second, we have coming up a little later, we have a dinfluencer. I don't know what that means. Dinfluencer.

We'll ask about that, certainly. We also have someone who works in the wedding industry. Very exciting. Have you ever been married? Coveted. I haven't, but I do have in the safe in my closet of my house a wedding ring that I bought off of an ex after I broke up with him. Does that count, Scott?

I get, were you engaged or was it just, he was, he had this ring. Interesting. Just around. And what is the combination of that safe? If you don't mind me asking. It is one nine, not just kidding. That's interesting. So it's in your closet, eh?

Yes, Scott, but you don't know my address, Scott. Behind a painting? Just kidding. Oh, my God. Literally, no one looked me up. Scott, actually, don't introduce me. I want to do this podcast anonymously. Okay, because so no one can rob you? No one will know who I am. And if you figure it out by my voice, well, you're wrong. Okay.

I do have to introduce you because you're just too good of a guest to not introduce. We're just too big of a fan of you. We, of course, you're joining the prestigious one-timers club here. I literally, I can't wait till I'm a two, if not five-timer fan.

I would love for you to be a five-timer. Unfortunately, that means your career is doing worse and worse because the one-timers are all people like Ben Stiller, Donald Glover. Five-time, they have nothing else to do. They're begging. They show up at your house. They're like, Scott, please let me on. Come on, come on. Exactly. I think three is like, that's gentlemanly. You know what I mean? Any more than three is like, what are you doing with your life? Three over the course of three decades. Yes, exactly. One per decade. Exactly.

God, if I'm still doing this in two decades. You better be, Scott, because I'm going to be here. I would love to see that. She is the star of such shows as The After Party Season 2. Season 2. Season 2. People watch it and they're like, you weren't in it. You've got to keep watching to Season 2. It's an ensemble cast that is an anthological. Anthological. Her anthology. Yes. Whom? She is in shows like Hacks on Macs.

I'm going to ASMR everything. Yes, the streaming service that only does shows that rhymes with their own name. Hacks on Macs. Hacks on Macs. Hats on Hacks on Macs on Cats. Hats on Cats. Did you see that movie, Cats? I...

I did. Unfortunately, I did. A few of them had hats. You know, I didn't. I think I was so troubled watching it because it seemed like I just I didn't like everyone's covered in fur. You clearly have the budget to make everyone look like a cat texturally. Why do some of them have boobs? Human boobs. Boobs in the human position, not in the cat position. Like, yeah, some of them have a human butt still. I got to ask, where are the boobs on cats? Yeah.

Are they on the back or something? They have like 18 boobs. Whoa. Yeah, Scott. Looks like both of us are learning something today. I learned whom? You learned about boobs on cats, so I have info as well. I think that a couple of them had hats, if I'm not incorrect, but I feel like they were trying to stay away from the cat in the hat thing. You know what I mean? I did. Honestly, if they had hats, it was the last thing on my mind.

I feel like every time someone came in, like Idris Elba came in wearing a hat, and then he would quickly take it off and go, uh-uh, not that guy that you're thinking of. Maybe that was the bit, maybe. But unfortunately, all of the jokes and bits, again, in that movie, went over my head because I was too troubled. Just too looking at their bodies. Yes, I was too busy objectifying. There was like a Twitter or something where someone was like,

it felt like they were in the middle stage of the Animorphs transformation. Yes. Remember the black and white video where Michael Jackson turned into like a panther? It was like in the middle. You don't remember the black and white video? Unfortunately, I don't. All right, I'm going to bring it up here. Never watched it.

You never watched... TV in my life. You've never watched TV? Something about me is that I work in TV, but I've never watched a minute of it. Really? And so I'm really just guessing what's out there. So when you act in a show, and I'll introduce you in a second, are you just wondering, like, what is this even for? What is this even for? Where does this go once I do it? What are we pretending to do? What is this charade? And then people like me watch them, and they go like, oh, yeah, she's great. And you're like, how has anyone ever heard of me? Yes, I'm like, Scott, how...

How do you know me? She has a new movie coming out. That's right, a film. Filma. A film coming out this week, I believe on... Cinema, if you will. I believe on 4th of July. 4th of July. Spend your Independence Day watching it over and over again. Yeah, do a watch party with friends. It's coming out. It's on Amazon, but it's an MGM movie called Space Cadet. Yes. Coming out this...

I believe. Maybe you can watch it on Wednesday if you're on a certain time zone. Oh, yeah. If you're in like Brussels. Yes. If you're in Brussels. To our Brussels audience. Lucky you. Love your sprouts. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, you live in St. Petersburg. Lucky you. You can watch Space Cadet.

Seven hours earlier. I don't know where St. Petersburg is. They only made sprouts, right? They didn't do anything else of note? That's it. That's it. Brussels sprouts. Yeah, that's it. Did they make beer, too? You know, I feel like all of the European countries did. They all make beer, right? They all love to ferment. They're all like, that's so shitty here. We make beer to take our minds off of it. Yes. They can't stop colonizing and they can't stop making beer. They're like, after we colonize a new territory, let's make another IPA.

Poppy Leo is here. Hi, that's me. Yes. Did I pronounce that correctly? I tried. You did. Yeah. Okay. Leo. Leo. It has a bit of a more of like a flick at the end. Leo. Oh, like a question mark? Like a softer. Leo. Leo. Like you're kind of like softly opening a door into the future self. Leo. Actually better. Actually better now that you did that. It was like an air hatch.

Scott famously speaks Mandarin fluently. Yeah, fluently. I don't like to trot it out on this show all that much, but, you know, the translation. do the rest in Mandarin. Obviously, we are translated in every language. Every. I do the Mandarin one. Yes, yes, yes. Myself. Which the fans

love i do every single character i mean real person you do so amazingly in the states um based on the fact that your primary audience is is mainland china that's right yeah i mean that's the thing is like you know how marvel always puts one scene set in china yes in their movies you know it's like you're like the opposite your whole movie is in china you got the one scene thing everything is right we've never discussed that we're actually in china very china coded

I'll say, yeah, something about your voice, everything. It's giving China. It's giving dynasty. Thank you. Speaking of which... It's giving middle kingdom. The little kingdom? Is that what they call it? Middle. Oh, middle. Okay, I was going to say, it's very... Little kingdom? It's very emasculating to call it the little kingdom. Well, tongue in cheek. Speaking of which, you were born in China, were you not? I sure was. And then you moved to Minnesota, where my wife is from. No. Yes. What town? I love her already. Like, Minnesota.

many, many, many different places around the Twin Cities. We couldn't stop moving. Obsessed with it. Yes. My wife's from Egan. I know about it. Do you? Yes, I know her. Egan. And tell me about the Mall of America. How much time did you spend there? Every time I...

Every time I go back to visit Minnesota, which is once every like three years now, that's the only place I want to go. Mall of America. I love it. Mall of America raised me. I was born in the Mall of America and I was raised in the Mall of America. My wife worked at Hulk Hogan's Pasta Mania. That is amazing. In the Mall of America. That's hot. Yeah. And that's why you fell in love with her. That is. Exactly. You ever go on the flume ride there? Have I? Of course you have. Who am I talking to? I was born on the ride.

ride were you really oh my god my mom we were on the ride even though i was born in china but you know the thing about all of america is that it's very transnational it also it's international waters there on the flume ride so you immediately flew to china and that's where you got your citizenship exactly something that people don't really know is that within the law of america there's yeah it has its own national flag you can commit crimes on that ride alone and then but once once you're off yeah you ever go to the bowling alley there

No. Should I be talking about your work instead of this? No, I want to, this is actually the content. This is my niche of the world. My niche of the world is that I'm very Chinese and I'm also really specifically Midwestern. Yeah. Like I'm a bit of a hick. Yeah.

In like a hot way. Hicks are hot. How long were you in Minnesota? Because then you moved back to China, did you not? I was there from two to 14, which I feel like are really formative years for your personality and for maybe how you speak.

You know, I was there long enough to like, we were like smoking salvia in the cornfields. I was waiting on you to be doing that. I didn't know it was salvia. I didn't know. You know, the statute of limitations is not up, so I'm going to have to refer you to the authorities. Okay, right. This is a live podcast. I get arrested right after I leave. Scott loves to arrest people. He's always coming.

Scott. Scott Ackerman. Biggest narc. Literally. The narc father. So you go back to China then. Yes. And how is that for you? Is it because you don't remember it? It's shocking. It's shocking. I go back to China when I'm 14 to Shanghai. We had just become U.S. citizens the year prior. And my dad's company sent us back as expats. Hmm.

Which basically meant like suddenly, like we were just living kind of a very regular Midwestern. My parents were like slowly doing well for themselves as immigrants. And then boom, this thing happens. And then once you're an expat, it's like, have you seen the show XO Kitty? Yeah.

I haven't. It rocks. Okay. You should. Let me write that down. XO Kitty. XO Kitty. I feel like it's right up your alley. Okay. It's about this, like, you know, young kid growing up in an international school. And it's very much like that, where, like, all of my friends were kids of diplomats. Oh, interesting. Their, like, parents were, like, in the triads. So your parents, how did they feel about it? Because they hadn't been there in, you know, 12 years either. It's true. Well, I think it was, like...

But like when we were there, when I was born there versus when we went back again, we were in such a class. We were like in a different class by that time. So I bet it was a huge culture shock for them being like a dick teenager. I don't think I asked them how it was for them. I was just like, oh, yeah.

God, why do we have to do this? Why do you have to do this? I'm going to miss my skateboarder boyfriend in Minnesota, Tad. Did you have Tad as a boyfriend and you had to break up? You know, I talk about Tad a lot on like so many different things. I'm like surprised Tad doesn't like reach back out to be like, Poppy, what? Could Tad actually reach you if he was to reach out? He actually has. We saw each other at a friend's wedding a couple years ago and Tad said that he loved me. And I said,

I love you too, Tad. What's Tad up to these days? I don't know. I think he maybe like was breaking bad a little bit in New Mexico for a while. I could have had a different life, Scott. Yeah. I could have been Tad's wifey. Isn't that interesting that all these things that happen to you when you're young, that you think like, ah, this sucks. Why do we have to do this? It all leads you to right here. It all leads me to right here. Yes. My first heartbreak with Tad led me to here. Yeah. To this podcast. To this podcast specifically. Yeah.

You know, in my life, there's before this podcast and there's after this podcast. You're a new infant, of course. Yes. So you and then and then you start doing theater there and dance. Is that right? I actually ironically, I started doing Chinese dance.

In Minnesota. Oh. From age 5 to 14. And when I moved to actual China, I stopped doing Chinese dance. Interesting. Yeah. Because there it's just called dance? I guess. Well, because I think in China you can't really do anything. These are old jokes. I apologize. It's really good. They're really good, Scott. I had to suppress my laughter for that one. I feel like the entire audience suppressed something. Because there it's just called dance? Yeah.

Scott, you are a dad, and I think that it's a really good and important dad joke, Kat.

Thank you very much. You're leaning into. Yes, I appreciate that. Yeah. So you also are a poet. Kind of. Kind of. Do you still write? I go through like the phase. Yeah. I go through the phase. Does everyone go through this phase when they're in their like early to mid-20s? They just moved to New York City. They're doing like experimental naked physical theater downtown, working, attending bar and doing puppetry for babies and also like hosting underground concerts.

queer QTPOC poetry storytelling events? I think so. That's a bit of a cliche kind of like... We all do that between like 20 and 25. Yeah, and you actually kind of join a cult for a little... Actually, you know that I was scouted by Nixxiom? Really? Yes. Tell all, Dish sister. They brought me one of my

got into like, I mean, kind of gotten far. Wasn't like basically the Jeunesse part of it, which you may know is like the sex trafficking. Wow. And that friend who like, okay, bless her heart. I think she was like later on

one of the whistleblowers and like, you know, got herself out too. But at that time she was like, pop, you want to come with me to like my friend's dinner, backyard dinner in Brooklyn? And I was like, yeah, sure. I go, it's literally Alison Mack. Wow. Yes. And you're thinking this is just Chloe from Smallville. Literally. Well, I didn't even know that because I don't watch TV as you know. Oh, that's right. Yes. But it was like, it was just a table full of people. And then like, I was like, oh my God. And I'm like 23 or 24. And so like, you know, no one,

no one does anything nice or fancy. So I was like, oh my God, this like spread like, oh, I'm going to eat so much. And then they made everyone go around and like share their trauma. And I was like, what? I was like, I didn't sign up for this, but I thought it was so clever. They got to me and I was like, I was like, I'm not going to let you get me. And they're like, okay. And like, probably like, what are you working on right now? And I was like, honestly, I feel amazing. I

I was like, honestly. Just had a really good meal. I rock. And this rocks. And honestly, no notes. And they were like, no, no. But like, if you dig deeper, what's there? And I was like, oh, still good. Still rocks. I was like, haha, I'm so clever. Well, I mean, you ended up not being in the cult from what I can guess. Kind of. Kind of? Yes, kind of.

And I was like, I thought I dodged that one. But then meanwhile, I was kind of in like a cult-ish relationship. What does that mean? But I didn't see that. You know, it's like saying. Is this the guy with the ring? It's the formative. No, that's different guy. Okay. Surprisingly. No, again, in sort of that cliche rite of passage thing, you know, we all also accidentally date a diet cult leader who like if he was better at being a cult leader, I think it would have been worse for me. But he wasn't that great at it. So he could never get the cult off the ground.

So when you say a diet cult leader, meaning he he was not great at it, like diet soda is not great at it or it was a cult surrounded or about diet. Oh, the former, the former, the former, former. Yeah. Yeah. Like the the team of cult leaders. Yes.

Yes. So, I mean, yeah, you know, he just, he could have been a more problematic cult leader, but he just couldn't get the cult leader on the ground. Just couldn't do it, right. Yeah. Yeah. But it was enough to still, like, kind of mess with me in my life for, like, two years. Moved to Brazil with him for a little bit at the end of it. Moved to Brazil? As we all do, Scott. Your life is crazy. Scott, as we all do.

We all do. Okay. I got to see a biopic of you. When we were all 25, we all moved to Brazil and were estranged from our family and friends for three months at a ton of ayahuasca. Wow. Realized that we had to come back, got out of the relationship to tour our abortion story and then...

Like, I mean, we all had to go through that to get onto your podcast. This was your play? The abortion story? What was it? My abortion story. It was actually the first film thing I ever did. Yeah, film thing. Everyone's like, oh, I want to just start doing TV film. And I'm like, huh, when did I? I was doing the puppetry. Oh, yeah, my abortion story was the first.

It was like a crowdfunded short film. I like did like a self-produced tour of it, mainly to college campuses talking about like reproductive rights, et cetera. And then anyways, now I do TV. Ha ha. Well, I got to see a biopic of you. And of course, it would it would end with you being in Space Cadet triumphant climactic scene. Yes. In Space Cadet. At Space Cadet. I saw this film yesterday and you. Knock on wood that this is the climax.

I can't imagine. You are an interesting fact about this film. You are pregnant during it.

I am. And that is written into the character. It's not like I Love Lucy where you have like a basket of laundry in front of you the entire time. I'm actually seven months pregnant and I wasn't supposed to be pregnant. I was cast in it by Liz Garcia, our wonderful writer director, like a year prior to even getting pregnant. Production kept getting pushed as it does. By the time they locked the dates in, I just kept having sex.

I just kept having unprotected sex. Couldn't stop doing that. Two facts coincided. Yes. As production, as they were figuring out the budget for Space Cadet,

I was having so much unprotected sex. And so finally those two things coincided where they locked on the dates and I was seven months pregnant. I was going to be. And then so, you know, as it happens, I was like, oh, they might have to recast it. It might, you know, but Liz was like, no, it's like, I want you. You are this character. I love you. I'm going to just rewrite the character to be pregnant now. So I just rewrote it to be pregnant. And so I'm just pregnant. Yeah. It was that easy. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it wasn't like, I think there's some,

there's some roles where you like can't easily rewrite the person to be pregnant. But this one... There's my upcoming movie, The Non-Pregnant Woman. The Non-Pregnant Woman, yes. And that one, they had to make you not pregnant. Unfortunately, I'm really limited in who I can cast for that one. But... So tell me about this movie. It stars Emma Roberts. Obviously, you don't have to tell me because I've seen it. But it stars Emma Roberts...

It's akin to like a legally blonde set at NASA. Definitely. Very, very yes. Right. Very, very yes. It's like a dumb shit in one way. It's like...

an era in our like yeah so it's like it's a person that you didn't expect doing a really really smart thing right and it's Emma Roberts character who's going to NASA but the setting for our life pre NASA is that we're just Florida girls we're just two Florida gals and

um, tending bar. My character has like a makeup line, Emma Roberts, wrestlers, alligators, protected sex. Yes. As I do. And, um, Emma Roberts has dreams to go to NASA. My character is totally fine. I, my character loves having babies. I just do. Your character doesn't really have dreams necessarily as you've achieved your dreams. I've achieved. Yes. And you know,

And this is, I love this about her. I love people who just like, they want a really basic life and they get it. And they're so happy with it. I have a lot of respect for that. And I think that's this character. She's really, she doesn't want to leave Florida. She wants to have her babies. She wants to do her nails. She wants to have her makeup line. And she's happy with that. She does not want to go to NASA. Stop making all of us want to go to NASA. Some of us don't. And your character assists Emma Roberts' character, uh,

In one sense of unbeknownst to Emma Roberts. Committing fraud. I commit fraud. Yes, you commit fraud. I commit government fraud. You change the application in order to make her seem a little more like she's achieved more. More equipped to be in NASA, which she is not equipped at all. But you know what? I think that we all deserve a best friend who's willing to commit fraud for us. And if you don't have one, then none of your friends are real ones.

Now, I've seen this movie and unfortunately, it doesn't end with everyone in jail, yourself included. Well, you don't know. No, I've seen the movie. I don't want to spoil it necessarily, but I would prefer when someone commits fraud like this to see the cuffs being put on them and then led away to jail. And you know what? This film is really abolitionist in that sense. And that this film, I think at its core is saying no to prisons.

And that's something that's an undertone. 60 minutes in, just slap the cuffs on all the main characters. Just lead them into jail. Scott is a narc. Lead them right into the electric chair. Scott has a narking kink.

A kink for coughs. And the legal system. It's a very funny comedy. And our unjust legal system and the prison. Hey, be cool. It's a very funny comedy. It comes out on Independence Day. You can celebrate the birth of America. We're almost at the 250th year of America. You know, that's oftentimes when one umpires fall. You know that? Yeah. So. We'll see. We'll see what happens.

You're going to go back to China? Maybe. If something happens? Why not? Yeah. Yeah. Or the international waters of Mall of America. Yes. We'll just hole up in the Mall of America. Yeah. That's probably where I would go. I feel like... Yeah, Donna the Dead style. Mall of America will be the first to liberate itself from the... Yes. Yeah. It's going to say... It'll be the first to secede from the Union. Yes. Just within the walls of the Mall of America. Yes. Not parking lots. There's an Ikea outside. Anything you need there. Yes. Not the Ikea. It's just the Mall of America.

of America. Sorry, Ikea. If you wanted in on this, you got to get inside. You got to get inside them. You got to connect yourself. That's right. Although maybe they'll build a bridge. Maybe they'll build a bridge. And this is my platform. I'm building bridges, not walls. It's building bridges. Although we are willing to build a wall. Now he's

trying to rebrand. Now he has me on the podcast. He's trying to rebrand in real time. I will build a wall if enough people want it. You can't stop saying your anarchy things. Like, now he's like, we're bridge building. Tear down the walls. Space Cadet is out this Thursday. We have to take a break. Poppy, do you want to stick around? Because we have something called an influencer coming up. Do you know what this is? I need to find out. Yeah, I need to find out. Also, someone in the wedding industry, and this will give you some good tips if you ever plan on getting married. Maybe. I don't know. You got that ring. I got the ring. Yeah.

You know what I mean? You're halfway there. Just sign some legal documents. Exactly. All right. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Poppy Lou. We'll have more comedy. Bang, bang. We'll be right back after this.

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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Poppy Liu is here. Hey. And Space Cadet is the movie. You know, I had a friend who was working on, do you remember in the 90s there was a movie called Rocketman starring Harlan Williams? Yeah.

And all about a guy who shouldn't be an astronaut. He becomes an astronaut. And that and and my friend who was working on the movie came and said, hey, we have to change the title because there's another movie already called Space Cadet and

And so he had like he said in the 90s, there's already a movie called Space. I guess so. Whatever happened for a legal reason, they had to change the movie. And he was like, if any of you come up with a better name for it, I'll give you like 50 bucks. It's called it was called Space. It was called Rocket Man. It ended up being called Rocket Man because Space was already taken. Well, clearly they lost their rights. I'm like, what the fuck?

going on here? I know. And that proves that Amazon has more money than Jeff Bezos. Jeff, Jeff single hand. One thing about this movie is that Jeff Bezos was he there on set every day? Every day. You know, the thing is he loves to have he's really hands on with all of his rent. I would imagine. Yeah, he was like, there's looking at every shot. He's like, one more take. People take breaks peeing in bottles. One more take. Yes, we

We didn't have bathrooms and that was something that was hard. That's all right. I could tell because everyone in the middle of every scene is kind of like holding their belly and bouncing up and down. My water breaks on set, on camera. That's part of the movie. Every scene in the middle of it, someone goes like, I got to go and just like takes off in the middle. It's a very interesting film. You got to see this. We need to get to our next guest. And they're a Dinfluencer.

I've got to know what this is. Please welcome, for the first time on the show, Donna. Oh, hi, Scott. Thanks for having me. Hey, it's my pleasure. I think we're getting hung up on the name. It's just kind of a silly name I made up. I like to empower people to make dishes for dinner that maybe they think are too complicated. We're getting right into your thing. My God. Oh, sorry. I mean, hey, take a relax here. I was born in Mall of America.

Oh my God. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Same doctor. This is Poppy, by the way. Nice to meet you. Hi, Donna. You sound like a trad wife. What's that? You know about trad wives? I don't. Like, you know, Nara Smith on TikTok? I don't. She's always like, she's like this model, married to this other model. And every day she's like, today my husband was craving bubble gum and we ran out. So I decided to make some from scratch. Is trad short for traditional? Yes. Oh, interesting. This sounds like someone I would want.

To be friends with. Laura Smith. Look her up. I'm sorry to interrupt your thing. No, that's okay. We got as far as dinner, but I just felt like you...

I got stimulated also. You were like, it was so quick. I was trying to process. Let's take it a little bit at a time. Yeah, I felt bad for you because you were, I don't know what Dinfluencer is. Yes, I was white as a sheet. White as a sheet. Yes. No, yeah. So I like to post videos that can help people make things out of what they have laying around or repurpose food scraps or things like that. I see, for dinner. Sure. Sure.

Yeah, or any meal. Summertime is upon us, so a potluck dish. That's a great point. What's the dish of the summer? I think it's going to be a homemade...

homemade ice cream fruit roll and it's real simple uh tell me more well next let me okay so uh what is an ice cream fruit roll i don't know that i i've ever a fruit a fruit roll is a uh sort of like a um like a fruit roll up or a fruit by the foot uh wait actually donna's actually so right that is actually the meal because i have a 15 year old sister who is like very gen z

You have a 15-year-old sister. I do. So your parents were also having unprotected sex at a certain point. I guess so. Wow. I guess so. Runs in the family. Yes. And we're 18 years apart. So, you know, they were really. Interesting. Yes. It runs in the family. And that's something about having kids is that you got to have unprotected sex to have kids. Not me. I went to the doctor for that. I went to a little room. Not me. I did.

I did it in a car. I went to a little room and then we implanted it in a stranger. So I... You know, we got rid of all that messy stuff. If you pay extra, they give you a big room. I found that out. Really? Yeah, I found that out. If you just tip the guy at the door? You gotta tip the doorman, yeah. The doorman, man. Yeah. I tell you, he was... For the baby making. He was not doing his job because, like, he just let anyone in there. Really? Yeah. In the middle of it. I'm just like... In the middle of it. In the middle of my...

my business. I'm like, dude, part of your job is like to bar the door while this is happening. I don't know. While I make a baby with this magazine that I'm... Me and the magazine are the baby's parents. Yeah. Yes. And the baby loves the magazine. Great parent. Yes.

So I'm sorry. So a fruit roll up with ice cream? So picture this. It's so cool and refreshing, but also very healthy. And the next time you have a pineapple, don't throw away the husk. Okay. What you're going to do is... What can you do with it? Well, you're going to roll it out on a piece of cardboard or several pieces of cardboard taped together. You're going to lay it out in the sun to cure for about four days. Okay. It's going to get nice and dry, but not too dry. Okay.

You're going to roll it up. You're going to tie it with some pastry strings and put it in your oven. Now you're going to finish the drying process in there. And in the meantime, you're going to make some ice cream. Okay. You're going to do this. You're going to make your own ice cream. That's right. It's very easy. Yeah. How do you do it? I used to have like a churn thing. Nope. No. Nope. Wrong, Scott. Oh, okay. Sorry. Yeah.

Gone are the days. You can do this all with things you have laying around the house. Oh, how do you make ice cream? You're going to grab a fistful of tapioca raw, and you're going to throw it into a mortar and pestle, or you could use a coffee grinder. We famously have tapioca.

You're going to make a fine powder out of that. Now you're going to put that powder into a cheesecloth and you're going to strain the parts. So now you have sort of a curds and whey situation. You're going to take the heavier of the two parts, mix that with some jelly pectin.

Now you're going to put that in a layered jar, leave it in the sun on the front porch where it gets plenty of sunlight. Then you're going to top it with some honey, and that's going to finish the curing process. Where do I get the honey? From your bees, Scott. You're going to find your local bees. Local bees. You're going to mate a bunch of bees. Okay. So I have to find bees of two different genders and put them together? That's bonus points. Yes, you do. You can do that.

Hats off to you. And Donna's buck. I find pre-mated ones. Oh, you do? I do. And you can see the ones that are hanging out in a group. You can follow them home. So it's like a B-orgie? Is that what you're saying? Sure. Yeah, you can always see. You know, you feel the vibe in the air. B-orgie? This sounds like what Arnold Schwarzenegger says to all of the women he dates. B-orgie.

Yes. It does sound like that. That's the Austrian pickup line. Yes. So, yes. Sorry that I'm interrupting so much. No, that's okay. What I love about this recipe is that it famously is all ingredients that people really have laying around in excess. That's right. I love that. Now you're going to get some coconut milk fat.

Okay. How do I get that? Coconut trees. From a coconut. Okay. You can hammer it out. Not too hard now. Use a jeweler's mallet and be nice and soft about it. Roll it up in some burlap. Okay. And do it that way. Now, if you have like a salt and sugar...

You can brine it. If you don't, I would evaporate some pickle juice over about the course of a month. How do I evaporate it? In a distiller, or you can make a distiller. You can encourage a mouse to gnaw its way through a pool noodle. Okay.

put a little peanut butter on the end and it'll tunnel through. But wouldn't it just go to that end? What do you mean? Well, like if you put peanut butter at the end and why does it start at the far end? Oh, it thinks because it gets the taste of the peanut butter. So you've got to put it at both ends? No, it starts at the peanut butter end. Starts at the peanut butter end. But it doesn't know when to stop because it keeps tasting the peanut butter. Should I give him a little peanut butter at the other end? You know, it would be a nice reward, wouldn't it? Or like some sprinkled

throughout. Like, knife some peanut butter into the middle of the middle. It would be nice for that. It would be nice of me, right? But it's not necessary? Not necessary. Got it. Any frozen fruit scraps you have laying around, I freeze all my fruit scraps. Don't compost them. You can use all these parts. Right. Even the banana peels? All of them. Got it. Now, for banana ice cream, you're going to go ahead and zest that banana peel. Got it. Just the insides. The outside you can use as a serving scoop. Oh, okay. Ah!

Wow. You're going to put this all together. Now, this will take about three and a half weeks. Okay. And how many does it serve? Two. Two. Okay. Two small children. Oh, two small children or one regular-sized child? Sure. Yeah, one large child and two small children. Two small, like...

half an adult. Yeah, two undernourished children is about right. Right, okay. I only have one just probably regular size. Okay, well, they'll have a ball with this. They'll have a ball. Okay. You're going to roll up the ice cream. Remember that pineapple husk we put in your oven a month ago? Left it on a jerky setting? No, it's good. It's okay? We don't have

to worry the oven is on the whole month that's right I got it I see I see yeah and we take that out and it's going to gently roll open don't do don't rush it okay it'll break and you'll have to start over how long am I am I rolling this

What do you mean? Meaning like number of minutes? Oh, no, a slow roll. 90 minutes to unfurl this. 90 minutes to unfurl. Okay, do I furl it ever? You're going to furl it with your jeweler's twine. Is that another 90? That's a 90 going in and a 90 coming out. So that's round trip, hour and a half.

No, sorry. Round trip three hours. Three hours. I can just throw on The Godfather. Sure. Not The Godfather Part 2. That would be three and a half hours. That would be insane. Then you're going too slow. And then you risk that it's going to congeal and it's going to not hold the ice cream. You're going to have to start over. Got it. Got it. But yeah, then you put the ice cream in the middle. You got to eat it right away because it'll melt within the minute.

Oh, okay. So everyone has to be ready. That's right. So it's like a three-hour process once we get to the month-and-a-half jerk process. Yep. And you have to eat it within 30 seconds. And you have to eat it within 30 seconds. Dish of the summer, Scott. You'll be the most popular guy in your house when you give that to your child. This is what I thought when you first said fruit roll-up, ice cream. Yeah.

And I like this sounds better, more convenient and tastier. Thank you. Yeah. And free. It's free once you because you've already bought all these all these other things. Yeah. So it's free. Yeah. Yeah. That's so great. I mean, it sounds like say this is a silly question.

But say I didn't have any of these materials. How much am I spending on all of this just to get there? I mean, ballpark $800 or so. A lot of these are specialty items. But the good news is you can substitute with anything. Right. You got dental floss, that can be your twine. Use dental floss even better because now you've used it twice. You've maximized. Right. What about the jeweler's hammer? Well, you can fashion one of those. You got deer hooves you can scavenge.

I guess, yeah, I could probably come across some of those. Those snap off real easy once the... From the deer? From the deer. Once the vultures and the ants have gotten to the carrion, you can snap it. You can give it a nice fist chop. And now you're really helping out nature because that deer is being used in every part. Right, yeah. What do the ants do once you've...

Chopped it off. Well, they've already softened some of the outside tissue. Because they're interested in the flesh, right? That's right. Yeah. Most of them. Some ants are vegetarian. You can tell. Yeah. You can tell. You can tell. Yeah.

Those are the ones kind of like setting themselves apart from the other ants. Yeah, they look at your picnic all judgy and they go, oh, you have jerky at your picnic. They're famous. They really body shame me. That's right. Oh, my God. I hate when an ant body shames me. How did you get involved in all this? I mean, is this something you've been doing ever since you were young? I love to eat, Scott. Really? But I don't have a lot of money. Hmm.

And I realized I can just be easily reproducing this. Why do I got to go spend inflation prices to get a meal at your cafe gratitude or something when I can make pine needle soda in a jar while I'm sitting on the toilet, you know, and it's done before I know. Pine needle toilet soda? Yeah.

Well, I'm on the toilet. The soda's in my kitchen. But I gotta imagine some of that toilet stuff gets into the soda. Toilet stuff gets everywhere. You own a Blacklight, Scott? Of course. Sure. Yeah, I spent $800 on that alone. Yeah, tell me about it.

Well, why don't you pull a date line and flip that on sometime and tell me toilet stuff doesn't get anywhere? Listen, I want to empower you. I want to let you know an easy recipe. What's something that you like to eat in the summertime? In the summertime? Yeah, I love a nice hot dog.

Oh, sure. That's, you know, July 4th is coming up. I'm going to watch Space Cadet. There you go. On your way to your 4th of July movie set up with your friends, swing down to your local wetlands, bring your pocket knife, lop off the top of six or seven cattails. Okay? Okay. Just the tops? Just the tops. That's going to be your hot dog. That's not the tail of a cat? I believe that's what you're talking about, right? I'm talking about, yeah, not the live antlers.

animal. Not the live animal. Although, you know, somebody probably has that as their number one snack. That's not my bag in particular. So when you're talking about cattails, what are you talking about? The weeds. The reeded weeds. Oh, I see. You know, where they got the brown top. It looks real fuzzy. It is fuzzy. Be hard to eat if you left it like that. You're going to dip it in canoopa wax and jojoba oil. And what you're going to do is you're going to roll it

in some olive skins. You're going to peel the skin off the olive. Because, you know, when you're drinking your martinis, you don't need the skins of the olive. You don't need the skin. Yeah. And that's a good point, Scott. Start thinking forward like this. So during the year, you don't have to peel 70 olives all at once. During the year, you just put them in a piggy bank or something.

Right, your olive piggy bank. That's right. Shaped like an olive maybe instead of a pig? I like your thinking. We could go into business or something. I don't think I want to do that. All right. So is that the last step though? It's not. There's eight or nine more steps, but that's the basic gist. Right. What about the relish? How do you do that?

Because I love a hot dog with relish. I can't have a hot dog without relish. Who doesn't? So you can make your own relish from fish parts. And you're going to have to break those down with a little bit of turpentine. But you can neutralize that for the human system. Did you know honey is a great disinfectant? I did not know that. It's a great disinfectant. Okay. It's also good for lube.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Honey makes good lube. Yeah. You do have to pay the price after. It's really sort of like you pay the price during. That sounds very sticky. Before, during, and after, you do have to pay the price, actually. But it's worth it. But it is worth it. What is the opposite of birth control? Because that seems like that would just velcro the sperm into you, wouldn't it? Yeah. Just vacuum pack. Sperm can't swim through honey. That's what that is.

Really? So actually the honey is the birth control. I see. Interesting. Can't swim through honey. Imagine, little swimmer, honey, wall of honey. Can't get through it. All right. It's stuck. Suffocated. Good to know. Dead. Killed. Wow. So a man could just rub honey all over his genitals. I would say yes. And then that's birth control. I would say yes. Interesting. You would say yes. I would say yes to that. Not to the man. That's the guarantee. Okay.

To their experiment. Okay. Interesting. I mean, you could right there call up Shark Tank. Yeah. With Mr. Wonderful himself. You ever meet him? I wish. I wish. What a guy.

You know, I've made my own Mr. Wonderful. In what way? I've fashioned one, you know, all from things I got laying around. Like twigs, like a wicker man type of situation? Exactly, yeah. Straw, twigs, driveway tar. Yeah, and he's just sitting there interrupting everyone? Yeah, he's judging me from afar, but it makes me strive to do better, you know. Wow. Anyway, so yeah, you got your hot dog. Okay.

That sounds delicious. How long does this take me to get one hot dog? Well, you have to pre-plan a bit. This one's seven weeks or so because that turpentine has to be neutralized, you know. Right, right. And you do that with worm castings. You don't mind worm castings. I don't exactly know what they are. It's worm turds. It's the castings. Oh, I see. The leavings of a worm. That's right. Yeah. Okay. Digested. Where do they, where's the hole? Where's the hole? Both ends. Isn't that something?

Oh, really? Did you know that? Both ends and they go both ways and they don't have eyes and all of them are hermaphroditic. Interesting. Wow. These sound pretty trendy. I'm telling you, earthworms are going to be... You have the finger on the pulse, Donna. Next thing you know, the government's going to want to turn all of our teenagers into worms. Wouldn't put it past them, Scott. I

I really wouldn't. Hmm. Yeah. So how often do you eat? I mean, you say you love to eat, but it seems like this is a lot of your day. I wish I could eat every day, but I'd be lying if I said it was more than a week. But.

I do enjoy every bite. This morning I had a nibble of a dried geranium root. And that, if you close your eyes and really imagine, that tastes almost like a caper. Oh, okay. Yeah. So one caper, if you imagine it. If you imagine it. Yeah.

If you don't imagine, you're in for a wild ride, Scott, because that's about the bottom of an ashtray times a butthole. Oh, gosh. I hate doing math, but I'll imagine that.

What do you think, Poppy? Does this sound like something you might want to try? Honestly, I don't cook, so I would probably just door dash that. Yeah. But I think I like that you're doing slow living. Yes. Which also is really trendy, which I find you to be incredibly trendy. I'm trendy. I would say that you're like the goop.

Like, you're like the Gwyneth Paltrow. You don't know what goop is. I ate some last month. Oh, no, no, no. This is something different. You don't take an owl pellet and leave it out in the sun for too long. For too long. How long is too long? Seven years. Oh, no. Goop is something different. It's a lifestyle brand. Do you know what Gwyneth Paltrow is? I don't know what that is. I don't know.

I don't know what that is. It's hard to explain. Okay. Have you ever leaned over to someone who's suing you and just whisper, have a nice life or whatever she said? I can imagine that. Have you ever sold a $125 candle? No.

I wish I could make that much off of my candles. Most people don't want to light raccoon skulls on fire. And I don't understand the hang up because they last longer. And what that's going to do is burn your your milk curd in a way that won't smell as bad.

Because the eye holes slow it down. It won't smell as bad as a candle or as a normal record? It smells worse than a candle, unfortunately. It's spoiled milk, but it doesn't smell as bad if you focus it through a skull. Wow.

Wow. I really feel like you have a niche on TikTok. I feel like TikTok would eat you up. Yeah. Do you own a camera? I've put some TikToks up. Have you fashioned a camera yourself? Yeah. Well, I've fashioned my own tripod. I found a severed human hand in my backyard. Okay. Hold on one second.

You found a severed human hand in your backyard? That's right. And it holds the camera. No, no, no. Stop. Stop. No, no, no, no. We got to go backwards. Scott, don't be a prude. Come on. Did you alert the authorities at all? I mean, not to be a narc again, but...

There aren't that many authorities up by me. Oh, where are you? Humboldt. Oh, I'm running around. Humboldt seems like there should be more authorities than normal. I'm just I'm just the types of people who live in Humboldt anyway. But that's that's just me.

That's all right. No, we have sort of our own law, the land up there. Did you take the fingerprints before you fashioned it into a tripod just to try to figure out who the identity is? I bet that's decomposed by then. Didn't occur to me, Scott. No, it was fully intact. It even had a wedding ring with someone's name on it. But I melted that down and used it to make some skewers for some appetizers. Oh.

Oh, my God. And did you used to be married, by the way? I've been married so many times. What happened to all of your husbands? They all died. It's so tragic. All the same way. None of them make it through the winter. Are they buried in your backyard by chance? I didn't bury him because I wanted to use him.

So they've been repurposed, and it's what they would have wanted. Okay, so I thought we were on to something with finding out that this hand was one of your ex-husbands. This is just an unrelated hand. Unrelated hand. But you have killed all of your husbands. I didn't kill them. But they just didn't make it through the winter because you didn't have sustenance. That's right. So sadly. From cold? They died from cold or from... You know, it's a combination. When you start getting cold, your body needs calories. And, you know, some of them...

a little bit of picky eater. You know, I don't want to eat an apple cord wrapped in a raccoon tail. I don't know if I'm a picky eater, if I'm starving to death. Yeah, exactly. Well, these guys were, and that was their downfall. That's on them. Sarah Kelly's heel. Sounds like it was on them. Yeah. So, but, but they died doing what they love. What's that? Well,

Begging. Begging? Begging. Begging for food? That's right. I don't know that anyone loves begging for food. So dark. You could have fooled me because they did it a lot. Okay. Donna, I think you're a serial killer.

So I love cereal. I would never get rid of it. I make my own. How do you what do you kill to make cereal? Well, I don't have to kill anything. I forage for bird beaks. I shave them with a carrot grater and then I dust them with sweet potato flakes, homemade sweet potato flakes. It makes it taste like grain, but it has the crunch of a of a cereal. Interesting. Wow.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's right. All of your husbands have died. I forgot that while you were saying that recipe.

And you found a human hand. I haven't forgotten that fact. I'd say of everything Donna shared with us, that's probably the one thing I remember. It's kind of shocking. Is it the worst thing I've ever heard on this show? Not by a long shot. I appreciate that, Scott. But, you know, it is weird. Well, weird is a slide in scale, as I say. Honestly, I don't say this to all of my guests because, you know, charming people like Poppy come on this show. But then people like you come on the show. I think you're weird. I.

I take that as a compliment. And that's where you and I sort of, you know, it's a to each his own. Sure. But I mean, I think the way that I have it, like my own is like sane and you're like weird. I think it's weird to buy guacamole from a store when you can pulverize a gallbladder. I always agree with like the first half of your sentence. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, yeah, you don't you don't need to buy guacamole from a store because you can. And then.

And then you kind of lose me. I lose you, huh? You lose me because you... It's like the McDLT of sentences. You have the normal half and the weird half. What's the D in that? What was the D in that? Dakin? All right. Donna, we have to take a break. Can you stick around, though? I would love to. Because even though you're slightly eccentric...

I want to hear what you have to say when our next guest comes on. I would love to. Is that all right? Are you going to use that fingernail laying over there? Hey, have a ball. Great. Enjoy. You need some homemade floss? Please. All right. We need to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more from Donna. We'll have more from Poppy. And we have someone who works in the wedding industry. Very exciting. We'll be right back with more Comedy Big Make after this. For 25 years, my

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Comedy Bang Bang listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash comedy. That's rosettastone.com slash comedy. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Poppy Liu is here. And Space Cadet is the movie. Of the summer. Movie of the summer. I said it. You know what I mean? Movie of the summer. Movie of the year. Movie of the...

The fortnight? No, fortnight is way shorter. Yeah, that's two weeks maybe. But how many Oscars do you think this is going to take home? You know, the golden man himself. I'd say all. Probably all of them. I think it's going to sweep. Run the table? I think it's going to set a record. That's right. Everything, everywhere all at once.

This award season, Space Cadets. That's right. Yeah. Wow. This is incredible. It comes out on Friday and the world will never be the same after that. You know, I actually will say that. Like, I think it actually has been a while since we've had like a nostalgic kind of comedy like this.

You know, there was an era where we were getting like a lot of like Devil Wears Prada, Legally Blonde, like those films. I miss them. Yeah. You know? No, it used to be you could go to the theater and just turn, you know, just watch something that was not challenging. Everything, first of all, every TV show nowadays has to be like a movie, a junior movie. Yes. And you have to use so many, like I have to like write down on a notepad everyone's name. I have to do like a family tree to remember how all the...

Yeah. Yeah. I write down every single character's name. Every single character's name. Cop number one. Cop number two. I've seen it. He has like a Game of Thrones-esque scroll. But only of cops. That's right. And it's just for movies like Friends with Benefits and stuff like that. Just every character's name. And then I check to see if I got them right at the end when they reveal the test answers. That's what those words are that come up at the end, right? Yeah, yeah. That's the credits. The credits at the end is the answer at the end of the textbook. And you can win and you can lose at a movie. Yeah. I have an A average usually. Ah.

Oh, Scott. Okay. Yeah, I usually get them all. We do have to get to our next guest. By the way, Donna is here, the Dinfluencer. Hello. And we do need to get to our next guest. He works in the wedding industry. Please welcome, first time on the show, everyone's a first-timer here, please welcome Ray Good. Scott, my good bitch. How are you? I'm good.

Okay, I don't know that you can call me that. We've known each other for so long. I helped plan your wedding. It was a very exciting, maybe you would say the best day of your life, no? I mean, it's in contention. I didn't want to tell everyone that you planned my wedding here.

This is what I do. I get in there and I help plan. I take everyone. I thought that maybe you'd be on the show and like, you know, we'd pretend like we don't know each other. Oh, we don't know each other. I guess I could take it back. What's up, you bitch? Ha ha.

Okay, that's worse. Okay, I'm trying to just split the difference. Who's to say if you're good? I've never met this guy. No need to split the D, LT. I love that the difference between you knowing and not knowing was from little bitch to just bitch. Like for my friends, they're a little bitch. I believe it was my good bitch. My good bitch. Which is a term I've been dealing with. I shouldn't take such offense. Little is... No, you're so right. Little bitch is... That's the worst. Majority. I would say that's the worst. Bitch actually I think is neutral good.

- Yeah. - And this is maybe chaotic. - What's up bitch? Yeah, it's chaotic good. - It's chaotic good and that's sort of what I like to do. - My good bitch is full positive. - Full positive, yes. - Oh yeah, look, and I think it's important that I'm the one that's taking it back. I'm bringing it back to the lexicon. - Hey, so Ray, so tell us about what you do. - Well, you know, weddings, everyone's really stressed out about planning weddings, you know? - This is your pitch? 'Cause it seemed like you got lost after you said weddings.

Weddings. We all have them. What is a wedding? No, not everyone has one. Not everyone's married because maybe sometimes people, the stress of planning a wedding is too much. The details are too fine. There's too many moving parts. What we do at good weddings. Good weddings. How do you spell your last name? Good weddings for good bitches. That's well, can I put that on a shirt? Yeah. I'd love to put that on a shirt. You plan weddings. Why are you putting things on shirts? People love shirts.

People love shirts. You're not a shirt guy, are you? I mean, anybody can be a shirt guy. Should I have introduced you as a shirt guy? I'm not a shirt guy, but if...

If I put that on a shirt, what are you going to do with it? I would buy it. Good weddings for good bitches. One customer. Let's see. How many shirts has Scott sold today? Zilch, zip, nada. None. We do have some shirts in the store, by the way. And we have shirts on tour. Make sure you get them. But anyway. Okay. So how do you spell good, by the way? Is it with an E at the end? There's actually no E. I got the E removed in court. In court? Yeah. I had to go to court to get it removed. It was pretty intense, actually. What happened?

Did you have opposition to removing the E? They didn't want me to change my last name. Who? The government? The government didn't want me to change it. Why? They said it's fine the way it is. They'll deny it if they like the last name. Really? They'll do this. And they liked your last name so much, G-O-O-D-E? Yeah, and I had to really fight to get the E taken off. It was a month's long fight.

Month-long court battle? Yeah, it was pretty intense. I had to get in the best guys for this one. I mean, you could have just made one cup of yogurt. That's like basically just one yogurt cycle is what you... One month? That's right. I am often thinking about when I'm doing things that are taking a long time, how much yogurt could I be having instead? Yeah, is this one yogurt or two yogurts? Yeah, this was like a three yogurt situation. Okay, that's a little longer. Giuliani got it taken care of. What? What?

He's my lawyer. You know this.

He was your witness at your wedding? Look, I know this, but we're pretending like we don't know each other, right? So what good weddings does is we set expectations at a medium level. With whom? With the guests and the people that are planning the wedding. Because everybody has big lofty dreams of what their wedding is going to look like. They're going to look so beautiful and handsome and everybody's going to be so happy at the wedding and stuff. And what we do is we just sort of

pitch it right down the center okay so you're telling like the groom like hey your tux is probably not gonna fit all it's gonna fit you're gonna look like ass basically you're gonna look pretty bad your bride's gonna have too much makeup on it's gonna be caked up uh the she didn't lose quite enough weight for the wedding that's not for me to say but i know that that's like your number one thing no no no

Just to be clear. Scott can't stop body shaming. I know. Talking about cops and body shaming. I know. It's his favorite. Those are my two things. He literally can't stop. Cops and body shaming. It's his brand. You are the vegan aunt of this podcast. I love it.

I like this idea. Be honest with the folks. Let them know what they're getting into. And then so they're like pleasantly surprised on the day. Yeah, they're always like, oh, you know what? This wasn't as bad as it could have been. This was fine. Everybody walks away going, this is fine. There were two bathrooms for a 200 people wedding. This is fine. This is fine. We thought we were going to have no bathroom. So we got two? That's two more than I thought.

that we'd have you know what maybe i love raspberry vinaigrette maybe i love it and it should be on all salads at every wedding right yeah no i mean people are bored during the father daughter dance that's okay yeah people are horny during the mother son dance it's fine

We love that part. I don't know about that. That wasn't in your brochure. I always put it. There's an extra long section. So we're planning. We're taking all the planning stages away from the people that are getting married. I have your brochure right now. It opens up like a Playboy centerfold. Yeah. And it's like your mom here. It's like an empty silhouette. Because the big thing at these weddings that I'm really trying to bring back into the forefront is this. Look.

your parents are losing a child. They're getting married. They don't need you anymore. So those dances...

Oh, it's like a singles bar. It's like a debutante's ball of the parents. It's just sort of like maybe just think about what you're giving up. You're having a nice long dance with your mom and your dad. Just think about it. I'm giving this away. So you encourage the dances to be a bit erotic? Not necessarily erotic. More sensual is the word. What is the difference between erotic and sensual? Sensual is...

Well, to put it frankly, it's like the difference between fucking and making love. I understand now. That's the difference. Because the picture on the brochure, it looks like you've just taken the silhouette of two dancers from the movie Dirty Dancing and taken their identities out and said, your mom here. Yeah, I just... Because this guy's obviously Patrick Swayze. I mean...

somebody's dad could look like that. Somebody, somebody's mom. Yeah. Oh man. Can you imagine? No woman could look like Patrick Swayze. Anybody. He had a mullet. So it's like, it's anything goes. Uh, but that's like, we do that. And then we also make sure that like the steak is like,

either very, very small or so cooked that it's hard. Yeah, you have to, yeah. And also, make sure it comes out about an hour late after it's supposed to. Oh, yeah, and you like wine, Scott, right? I love it. What about the fermented grape itself? What they can do with the grape. Freeze a grape, ferment the grape. Sure. Right off the vine. I can name 80 more things. Would you like me to? I'll take 79. Yeah.

We provide our own wine. We distill our own wine. Wait, you distill your own wine for these weddings? We do it all. You should be a wine guy. Yeah.

You should be a wine guy or a t-shirt guy. You have so many complaints about what I'm doing, you sound like a wine guy. W-H-I-N-E. Fuck you! Wow, call the government and get that H in there. And that's a shirt, folks. That could also be a shirt. I respect the hell out of you. Thank you so much. You're making your own wine. Do you pool noodle distill, or what's your setup? It's sort of like, it's more of like a...

butt chug distill. What? We do it where we stomp on the grape, but then the juice goes into a funnel that's in an ass. It doesn't have to be mine. How often is it yours? I mean, it's mine when I'm doing it. How often is it someone else's? Rarely someone else's. So it's your thing. It's kind of like my other thing. So you're a t-shirt guy, a butt chug guy. I'm not a butt chug guy. I'm a wine guy.

You're an ass play. It sounds like a niche OnlyFans account. Yeah, just start an OnlyFans. Well, we got banned. What? No! From OnlyFans? We got banned from OnlyFans. How do you get banned from OnlyFans? Oh my god, RIP all your subscribers!

You know, it was sort of like a government cell thing. The FBI and the CIA were watching the intake from our subs. It was going sky high and productivity across the nation was going down. So they had to shut us down. No way. Yeah, yeah. They thought I was trying to start some sort of like new movement. Right. But people were just...

People are just watching your own face. Just watching it. But that's not even... That's like my fifth business. I got a bunch of little irons in the fire. My main thing is weddings because I've been to so many weddings. I went to seven weddings this year. Really? That's a true story. And all of them... This is true. Wait, so when someone says that, I kind of feel like everything else they've said has been false? I think...

When I say that, I mean, you better be listening to what I'm saying. Oh, I see. Okay, this is for emphasis. Yeah, yeah. It's an emphatic, this is a true story. Everything I'm saying is true. Got it. And I'm real. I wouldn't doubt it. You're right here in front of me. You planned my wedding. Yeah, and you would say your wedding was great. Would you not? No, I wouldn't. I would say it was good. Exactly.

See? Exactly. That's it. Yeah. So wait, okay. So what's a true story? You've been to seven weddings? I went to seven weddings this year. Is that the end of the story or does it continue? That's kind of it. Okay.

Good story. I went to seven weddings and you know what? They are all basically pretty good, but they also, if I was running them, they could have been actually good. You know what I'm saying? Okay, so what is the difference? Is actually good better than pretty good? Yeah, is this the difference between making love and fucking? Yeah, that's sort of like, it's exactly that same, on that same scale, actually. I don't know which I prefer, to be honest. Wait, so actually good is making love or fucking? Yeah, which is which? In this scenario. Yeah.

Which one's the casual one and which one's the feelings are involved? What do you think is better, making love or fucking? Fucking, of course, my dear. My dear. My good bitch. That's what you prefer. I mean... You don't like the intimate emotional connection. Miss me with that shit, dog.

We talked about this on the wedding day. Yeah, right before I went down the aisle. We had a sidebar. That's what that framed picture is on Scott's mantle of you whispering to him. I see. Yeah, exactly. My good bitch. Yeah, right after the photo was taken, just a hard smack on the ass. Go get him, tiger. I mean, the momentum pushed me out there because I was kind of, I was like iffy about going down the aisle, but you gave me that smack in it.

And now look at you. It propelled me down the aisle and here I am married. Wow. And the wedding was good. And, you know, these things, I go to these weddings and I see what all these mistakes they're making. Miss Snakes? Miss Snakes.

And that's right. Wait, are there snakes involved in your business? If that's what the bride and groom want, I'll get a snake in there, but it might be like a sick snake. Okay. Not like sick cool. Sick like... Coughing? Yeah, it might have like a runny nose.

Snakes are wonderful to have in any appetizer situation because they molt very frequently. And that's a good substitute for a rice paper wrap. Any sort of thing you want to put in there. Some jicama and sauce. So maybe an Asian imperial roll with a Vietnamese sort of dipping sauce. Sure. How do you make the sauce, though? Well, you got to roll out...

I use a pair of nylons because those are going to strain. An old pair of nylons. An old pair of nylons. Yeah, that you're not wearing anymore. By the way, your nylons are beautiful right now. Thank you so much. You're wearing like Hooters shorts. That's right. Yeah, I found them. I can't stop commenting on people's bodies. There was a dead Hooters waitress near a dumpster. What is going on in your town?

Scott, it's the Wild West there. It's a humble thing you wouldn't understand. Are you from Humble, too, my good bitch? Of course, my good bitch. Well, this, I mean, how do people get a hold of you? Just, I mean, I have a website. That's what I'm talking about. Don't say it like...

- Defensively. - I mean, it's just like, it's just so crazy. You hired me, you know how to get a hold of me. - These are just legitimate questions so people can go look you up on the business. - What's your website? - I see, I mean, you have my phone number. You can call me anytime, my website. - I have you on speed dial.

My website, I mean, it's just goodweddings.com slash fuck. Slash fuck. You got a slash fuck? I got slash fuck in there because it takes you to like... I just want you to know that this is what the experience is going to be. It's going to be a rager. It's going to like...

But it's also going to be like you're going to walk away from the wedding going. That was fine. We played all the classic wedding songs. Celebrate. Yeah. Celebration by Kool and the Gang. Yeah. Famously played at my wedding when I requested the DJ not play it. It was the first song played. We're going to run that back at the end of the night, too. We're going to be playing it nonstop. And what would have happened if you hired good, like us, I guess you did. So that's your bad. I'm across all areas of the wedding. Do you help with the vows?

I'll throw in, I'll give you. You'll throw in vows? What does that mean? I'll toss in some lines and I'll read them, you know, I'll punch up. Like what's an example of a line you'll write for someone's vows? I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. Okay. We're going to really do this, this whole wedding thing and gosh, I'm the luckiest guy. That's fine. Yeah,

It's fine. What about like inspirational quotes? Inspirational quotes. You got it, dude. Okay. I'm reading your brochure. Like these are just lines from the Austin Powers franchise. Yeah. I'll throw it. Do I make you horny baby? Parentheses. Hopefully. Am I right? Yeah. And then I'll say get in my belly. And that's the, that's, I'll put that in the brides. Yeah. And that's like a moment where then they're speaking to,

the skies above and the heavens. Yeah, you wrote this explanation underneath in italics and it's just not, it's not even really making sense to me. I mean, people do it. People, it's the number one selection of my vows, my pre-written vows. And they read all the explanation that's in italics as well because that would help

the context. It sort of fills in the audience too, but then it's also like a funny moment where they'll play it off like, I guess I wasn't supposed to read that part. Like when you read sides in a script or something. But that's also in the script. I'm noticing. I put that in there too. Like you play this off like it's a mistake. I guess I wasn't supposed to read that. Yeah, exactly. I've done that before. Honestly, a great reading. Pretty good. Professional actors here.

I'm going to be shooting a commercial soon. I might need somebody to be in the commercial. What are you shooting the commercial for? Your wedding thing? Your t-shirt thing? Your ass play thing? It's sort of like an all-encompassing good corp. Just good corp? It's like a goop kind of thing where you have a lot of facets of the business. Yeah, but you don't pronounce the O-O that way. It's a different sort of sound. Yeah, good. Instead of goo. It's confusing. English is confusing, isn't it?

I mean... Should be standardized. Gwyneth Paltrow is suing him. Really? Gwyneth Paltrow is suing you? You will not believe what she whispered to me. Oh, no. What did she say, my good bitch? She said... Well, it was actually really mean. What? I don't want to say it. So she says something nice when she knows the cameras are on her. And then when no cameras are on, what'd she say? She sort of whispered to me like in like a Freddy Krueger way. No! She's like, I'm going to fucking kill you. Ha ha ha.

Was she wearing like a glove with knives on it? She had a glove with knives on it. And like a fedora? Yeah, and she was wearing a striped sweater. You were dreaming. You think I was dreaming. I think you were dreaming. I think this is Freddy dressed up like Gwyneth Paltrow to be funny in his dreams because you know how funny he is. You think I was asleep and I was visited by Freddy Krueger himself. I believe you were. Did you ever go to school at that place where he was the janitor? Yeah, I went to school.

No, at the place where he was the janitor. Oh, yeah, where Mr. Kruger was the janitor? Yeah. Yeah, Elm Street? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I went there. Yeah, you've been Nightmare on Elm Street-ed. That sucks. That does suck. If he kills you in the dream, you die in real life. Good thing I always end up sucking him off in the dream. All right, okay, all right. Look, we're running out of time. We're running out of time here. Are you having another wedding anytime soon or what? No, man, I'm happy. Everything's cool here. That sucks. But Poppy over here, she's got a ring. I'll think about it.

If anybody ever needs a wedding, hit me up. I'm happy to help plan it and just know that it's just going to be like a very like sort of normal type of thing. But if you want to, I mean, even if you just want to start have a party where you can like dance with your parent for like a really long time, like that's, we'll do that too. You'll do that. So just head over to goodweddings.com slash fuck. That's right. All right. We have to, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is of course a little something called plugs. Or does it?

Oh, wow. That was delightful. That was Plug Bag Within by Pretty Mouthy. Pretty Mouthy. And subscribe to their Patreon. And Pretty Mouthy, you're famous for a week. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and upload it. All the stems are there and everything. So have a ball and you can be a famous musician for a week just like Pretty Mouthy.

And all right, what are we plugging here? Poppy, obviously Space Cadet comes out this week. People can check it out on Amazon Prime and maybe they'll get the thing that Amazon put on there where it's like this was brought to you without any commercials, but you got to watch a really long one.

That's true. They'll be like in the beginning, you know how they have the countdown for commercials. It'll be like 120 seconds. Exactly. And the thing is, is they're like, oh, this is without commercials. Guess what? You're showing me one right now. Liars. Anyway, so it comes out this Thursday. And one thing about this movie I'll say is that it's really good with any member of your family. Sometimes, like even the other day, my dad was over and we were watching a movie and

There was like a sex scene and I was mortified. We're sitting on opposite ends of the couch and I was like, oh, my God. Even though your history tells us that both of you have had sex. Even though our history does. Yes. In fact, you'd think it'd be something bonding. In fact, it's the opposite. We have both experienced this. And it wasn't even me. But exactly. Exactly.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. You and I are both, you know. So I would say if you're worried about watching a film with your parents and then having to sit through a sex scene, it's not like that. It's not like that. It's not Titanic. It's not like Titanic when you're five and you're, we had just immigrated here. And, you know, my parents don't know movie ratings and you're watching Titanic. And there's Kate Winslet naked. And then you have like naked dreams about her for like 10 years of your life.

Only 10? I'm still going. In the same year, because again, we don't know movie ratings. We just immigrated here. You watch Silence of the Lambs as a five-year-old. Then you also do a boy Hannibal Lecter shampooing your hair. It's not like that, okay? Space Cadet is not like that. Space Cadet's not like that. You can watch it with your family. No one's going to have sexual Hannibal Lecter dreams for decades to come.

Which, you know, in the dream, I'm always Clarice and that's something that I can't change anymore. You're always knocking on that door, but they do the fake out where it's like they think the FBI is bursting down. No, it's just me and Hannibal alone in a room. He's shampooing my hair gently. I know he could kill me, but I know he won't. Remember that second movie where they eat the guy's brain? Yes, I do.

Nice with a little bit of raisin dust. All right. Donna, what do you want to plug? Do you have anything here? Yeah. If you want to check out another podcast, check out Yes Also. It's a podcast interviewing improvisers. Many of them have been on this program. Aren't they boring? They're not boring, Scott. They're some of the most interesting, hilarious people. I hang out with some of them sometimes. It's like, yawn city. Name names. Which ones? No, that's all right. Rank them. All right.

But yeah, many of your favorite people are on there. Carl Tartt, Vic Michaelis, Jess McKenna. Check it out. Yes, also. Oh, he's yawning. Yes, also.

And Ray Good, Ray Good, what do you want to plug here? I listen to a podcast. When I'm not planning weddings, I play video games. So I listen to this video game podcast called Get Played. It's hosted by Matt Apodaca, Heather Ann Campbell, and Nick Weiger. And they talk about video games. They have a Patreon where they talk about anime. Patreon.com slash Get Played. Check it out. Check it out, brother. And I want to plug, hey, we're out on tour.

We just completed one leg of the Comedy Bang Bang Tour. It was very successful. Really nice to see all you folks out there. The shows were great, I thought. And nice meeting everyone after the shows. And so if you want to come see us,

The tour starts up again next week in Arizona and then San Diego. And then we go to Utah and Denver and Texas and then the whole Midwest and then Toronto. And then we're doing the West Coast after that. And then the UK, we have UK dates.

England and we also are going to Ireland and so many places head over to CBB world.com slash tour you can still get tickets for a lot of those shows and also if you want to listen to the shows as they come out if you are a Maximus subscriber at CBB world you can listen to all the shows they're put up within 48 hours of us doing them and one thing that I did want to say is if you are a Maximus subscriber and you're saying like hey where why aren't I getting these shows you

It's a new feed. Go to cbbworld.com and then go to the part that says access. Hit that. Hit your feed. It's a new feed. It's the bang, bang in your mouth feed. And while you're at CBB World, become a Maximus subscriber. Why don't you? You get all these great shows like CBB Presents and The Neighborhood Listen. Scott hasn't seen so much great stuff over there. All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

What?

Oh, that was Nobody Left the Plugs by Nels for Smells. Kind of a bop. Yeah, pretty good. Nels for Smells? Yes, Smells. Nels for Smells. A song to have unprotected sex to. Yeah, although that's any song with me. Just put on some music, strip the condom off. Your favorite song is Happy Birthday, right? Because you wear a condom all day. It's time for sex. It's like Mr. Rogers. It's time to relax. Let's take it off.

Guys, I want to thank you so much. Poppy, great to meet you. Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having me. Big fan of your work. So fun. And you're very funny and thank you so much for being here. And Donna, good luck for you. You know, I'm calling the authorities the minute you walk out the door. And...

I have a good relationship with all of them. Are they in on it? Well, I bake them some brownies every year. It takes a year to bake brownies? That's right. I give them annual brownies at the end of the process. You know, prune pits are quite hard. You have to soften them. I'll tell you after the pot. Yeah, I don't have time for that. And Ray Goode.

What more can be said? What more can we say, my good bitch? You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I love you, baby. I love you. I wish I had another wedding, man, because I'd love to spend more time with you. Let's just hang. Nah, I don't know about that. Have you seen the movie Wedding Crashers? I have, yeah. We could do that. You want a wedding crash? I'll crash a wedding with you. Yeah. That would be so fun to play that football game out in the backyard of that big estate, you know, with Bradley Cooper. Oh, yeah. Let's crash his wedding. Oh, that'd be awesome. Who wants to be Vince Vaughn? Not it.

Oh, shit. Am I Vince Vaughn, really? Yeah, you're sort of taller. Sort of? You're already like 6'2", yourself. Hey. I'm like 6'2 1⁄2". Tallest tall, baby. That's a good point. Did we run out of steam, you and me? I'm done. Okay, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. Here we go.

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