Paul Scheer,Nick Swardson,Brody Stevens
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You know him from 30 Minutes or Less, Pretend Time, his Comedy Central sketch show, and also Bucky Larson, born to be a star. Nick Swardson returns to the program after a year-long absence, plus newcomer Brody Stevens. He's never been on the show before. One of my favorite comedians is here. Also, we'll be hearing from the brother of someone, one of the most famous people in the world. He will be here a little later on the show. All of that and more, all on today's...

It's great to be back in New York hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

That is, of course, it's great to be back in New York hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live. That is a catchphrase submission by Alan Williams. Thank you, Alan. If you have a submission, go over there to Earwolf.com and put it at the appropriate thread in our message boards. That's a good one. What do you guys think of that? It's great to be back in New York hosting the season premiere of Saturday Night Live.

I like it. Yeah. Thumbs up. I give it a B-. I'll introduce those guys in just a second. I want to introduce myself first. I am, of course, Hot Saucerman, a.k.a. The Choctaw.

And this is Comedy Bang Bang, another edition. We have a fantastic show today. It's a wonderful... What is today? Thursday? Friday? I don't know. Thursday here in Los Angeles. A hot one today. Smoking hot. It is Christmas Eve. It's Christmas Eve. Yes. 2010. Yes-ums. And we're taping this a little bit in advance of when we're going to release it, but I think it'll still be relevant. Yeah, it'll be perfect. So...

Osama bin Laden, why can't we find this guy? Where is he? He's out in Encino, I think. It's about 104 out there today. No, it is, of course, Thursday today, but I'm sure you're getting this on Monday the 17th. And my guests, I want to introduce the two who are here right in front of me. To my left, he's wearing a gray t-shirt with some sort of darker gray print on.

Seems to be Maybe the spirit Or who's on that shirt It was given to me And looks like a guy Smoking a cigarette Maybe a marijuana Spliff And kind of like It better not be Because that's illegal It's illegal It's illegal The shirt's better It better not be A fucking joint brody Or I'm not going on the show I think it's just A Philly's Blunt cigarette Okay

Who's giving you t-shirts, by the way? Who's out there giving away shirts to you? Kukuru. Friends, no. Just a kukuru shirt would be nice. I can make some calls. Extra large. Shrink to fit. You can make a call to the remaining kukuru. Yeah. They've all closed down. But I do want to introduce him. You know him as the Bomber.

He, uh, and when I say that, I mean he doesn't bomb as a comedian. I mean he's out there dropping joke bombs. Joke bombs. And farts. Uh, please welcome Brody Stevens is here. Yes. First time on the show. First time. That's not true. It is true. Yeah. Really? Yeah. My schedule has been, uh, you know, it's...

been off for the last couple years now it's back on back on schedule we're back on track with brody we uh i've tried to have you a few times but it hasn't worked out but thank you so much for being here you're one of my favorite comedians thank you very much people can see you out there uh doing sets doing sets doing comedy i like to hit the regular clubs and then i'll do the hipster rooms b-level hipster rooms occasionally in a level you're one of those guys who can straddle both uh mainstream success and uh

I straddle it all. And you can do any grade of room. Yes, I can from... A to F. A to F. Alternative or mainstream. A to F. A to F, yep. Great.

Who goes around grading those, by the way? Brody just did. He said B. Aren't there B-level hipster rooms? I think so, yeah. I'm sure there are. There's A rooms, B rooms on the road, that sort of deal. The other guy whose voice has been interjecting every once in a while, he's wearing a similar type of shirt in the sense of it's light blue with a little darker ink on it. Jeremy Irons.

I'm here promoting the bourgeois. The bourgeois. The bourgeois. What is that show? The bourgeois. I don't even know how the fuck you say that show, but no. It's Nick Swartzen. Nick Swartzen. You know him from one of my favorites this year, 30 Minutes or Less. He did a great job in that. Bless your heart. His show Pretend Time is on Comedy Central what night of the week?

Wednesday nights following South Park, 10.30 Season 2 Season 2 of how many? How many are you going to do? I don't want to do a million of them I don't know, we'll see We'll see how much creative juice I have I was also in the movie Bucky Larson, Born to Be a Star That's right, we want to talk about that We just almost are at Avatar numbers Avatar made 2.5 billion and we just passed it with 2.5 million

Nice. Congratulations. Yep. Very excited about that. There's a decimal point in there. Yeah. There's a decimal point, but we're not phased by that. You mentioned you're sitting in the Matthew Sweet chair because he signed the table in front of you. He and I went to see that movie together, along with Nick Thune. No, you didn't. Yes, we did. It's what movie? Bucky Larson. Oh, you did? Yes. Yeah. And Matthew's wife, the

The four of us all went to go see it recently. Did you laugh or no? I did laugh. There's laughs in there. There's a lot of laughs in there. Yeah, I like it. I go in and I, especially when it's someone I know who makes me laugh, like you make me laugh and have made me laugh for nigh on a decade now. Thanks, buddy. And someone that I really respect. And so when I go in, I just kind of like, you know, whatever. I just kind of laugh at everything. Right, right, right. I'm the same way when I see Friends movies. I just go in and like enjoy it. Was that what you guys did when you saw me in The Hangover?

I loved it. Driving a limousine. I was very excited to see you in The Hangover. Yeah. And in Due Date. Due Date, yeah. Due Date was a lot of work. Robert Downey Jr. and myself, we connected. Brody played a, in Due Date, who were you again? A town car driver. Town car driver, that's right. I don't even know if I had a name. And I loved you and not without my daughter.

Yeah, that's right. Which, you're one of the baby takers. Brody looks a little swarthy. Come on, Brody. I know. I have a guilty. I look aggressive, I know. Brody, you have been in some of the world's greatest films. The Hangover, you were the guy leading everyone through the police station, giving people a tour. Don't sit on these benches. We call this place Loserville.

And Hangover 2, you were in Thailand? Thailand, Bangkok, three scenes, less words than Hangover 1, but three scenes and in some high-pressure movements, I was able to do it. Was that fun, going to Thailand? I can imagine. Yeah, I enjoyed it. The flight there was good. How was that flight? Pretty painless? It's painless. Painless 16 hours? Well, we stopped over in Tokyo. I did stop in Tokyo. Remember I saw you right before you left at Jerry's Deli?

I kind of remember that. I was at the bar, and you came over, and you're like, going to Thailand. You're all fired up. Enjoy it. Did go. And it's like a New York, that kind of energy, but it is a somewhat third world, but... A lot of Asian people there. A lot of Asian. Not many white people. No African Americans. Really? Why do you think that is? Actually, I did. There are Africans. They do have an area where there are a lot of... There's literal Africans. Yeah. Right. But...

Not as many as here because I would imagine they didn't import them the same way that we did back in that horrible way. They're like the real African guys. Right, right, right. They like soccer and all that stuff. Right. No, Bangkok was a great experience. I was there for two weeks. That was probably enough for me. Oh, really? You wouldn't go back?

I mean, that trip, it was... I mean, I didn't go down to the beaches or anything. I just stayed in the city, kind of walked around. I like walking around cities. Went to the zoo. Went to the snake farm. What kind of animals they have at the zoo? Oh, man. They've got, like, orangutans. You can go right up to them. Like, give them food. You know, they'll grab you. Can you high-five them? Yes.

You can high-five a crocodile. But it's not safe. No, not a crocodile. Crocodiles are huge. They're right there. But they are the orangutans. And you can give them, you know, they drink the water. They're very good with their hands. They know how to beg. They'll clap. By the way, Brody is miming all of this right now. It's really fascinating to watch. I like that he said that they clapped. That means that Brody did a set for them. He's like, they can clap. Give me a microphone. I did a tight three at the Bangkok Zoo.

Snake Farm, how was that? You went to the Snake Farm? That was cool. I liked the Snake Farm because they had these cobras there and they, you know... They suck your dick, right? They can. I mean, yes, they can suck your penis. But it was kind of cool seeing those...

Those cobras right up there. So I enjoyed the snake farm. I enjoyed the regular zoo as well. In Bangkok, I do give it a thumbs up. It's a beautiful city. They're very nice to Americans. It's a different kind of culture out there. Nick, where's the furthest you've ever been abroad? Ooh, good question. Thank you so much. I've been working on my questions. Yeah, Scott, I wasn't ready for that one. I really wish you would email me that one earlier. Can we just take a moment of silence for about 30 seconds while you think? Yeah. Okay.

I... I went to New York.

Oh, that's not quite what I was expecting. That's the Bangkok of the East Coast. No, I've shot in Hawaii. I take that back. Really? That's the furthest you've ever been? I've been abroad. You're kidding me. You've never been outside of the United States? I've never been outside of the United States. Not even Canada? The only thing I've been to is I went to Mexico for two days for like a press junket for 30 minutes or less. That was me a few years back. I'd never even been to Canada or Mexico a few years ago. I had kind of a panic attack because I was like...

I realize I haven't been to Europe yet, and I had the kind of panic attack where I was like, fuck, I want to go now. Let's go. I went to Dublin. Does that count? That's Europe. Yeah, it fucking counts. It counts like shit, man. You got to get a converter. You got to get a converter for your electric razor, for your iPod charger. You can get those at Target.

They don't have those there? I love your travel trips. Yeah, you should go to Target. Wait a minute, tips. I love your travel trips as well. I was there with Tig in Dublin. I lent her my, there's her name written down right there, and I lent her my breasts. Oh, Nick. Come on, man. Come on. It was right there, dude. What's up, player? What's up, player? She does owe me a charger, but that's okay. Transmitter thing, whatever. Converter. That's the word. Converter. So, Nick, do you want to go somewhere? Where do you want to go?

I would love to go to Europe. Let's go to Europe. How much fun would it be to get about 25 of our friends to go to Europe? Yeah. It would be painless to book that and to plan that. Just get about 40 of your friends. We just got to work out our TV production schedules. That's all you got to do. No, my friend told me, he goes, if you go to Europe, go alone or go with one person. Why is that? Because he was like...

Because he said, like, you kind of, you get more extroverted and you kind of do more shit and you don't just sit around and get drunk and, like, do, like, because otherwise you, like, people have to, like, everyone has to agree on what to see and shit. Right. He's like, it's better to get, like, swept up in the regalia. You know what I mean? Just have people... Go backpacking. Be like, hey, how's yous doing? That's scary, though. You got that. Hey, you want some pizza?

Hey, do you like Spaghetti-O's? Insalate. But it's always the people with the small groups that get caught. The hikers, Amanda Knox hiking. That's true. But that's what's kind of sweet, too, though. You know what I mean? You can get caught up in a fucking mystery murder. In an Italian jail? Yeah, man. That's an exciting life right there. I think Mexico's scarier. You could be taken like that movie. And they're like, hey, where you going, Skittles?

Get in the jails. I like that. It's Italian. I'm pointing a pistola at you. It's got marinara sauce. Eat it, you fucking hooker. Manera sauce. Manera? Is it manera sauce? Marinara. Marinara, I believe. I would probably want to go to maybe, I don't know, I'm fucking out. Paris would be kind of sweet. How about Montreal? I can get you into New Faces next year.

Are you, is that a joke? Because I will do that and I'll take you up on that, bro. It's a European city. No, I want to go to Montreal too. I mean, I should fucking do it. I had a bad fear of flying for a while. Oh, really? Yeah, I was like really claustrophobic. Did you do gigs and stuff where you had to fly? I remember Garofalo and I got offered like a tour in Australia. So did I. Maybe. Kidding. Go ahead.

Like, you know, whatever, eight years ago. And I remember I was like, fuck, how long is that flight? And they're like, 14 hours. I remember Janine was like, called me up. She's like, hey, do you want to do that tour? And I go, that flight's really far. And she goes, yeah, it's fucking far as shit. And I go, let's just not do it. She's like, yeah, let's not do it. And it's like, turn it down. I'm sure that would have been an amazing trip, but we were so like... Just because of the flight. Yeah, literally solely because of the flight.

I feel like if a flight is going to be that long of 14 or 16 hours, you really have to spend a long time wherever you're going. You know what I mean? You can't just pop in for five days. You can't pop over to Thailand for three days. I did 20. You did 20 days? No, 14 days I did. I'm sorry.

You fucking did, really? Yes. Okay, that's good. 14's okay. That's good. Yeah, that's what you want to do. But I think when the New Kids on the Block got in trouble for lip syncing, they flew in. They were on an Australian tour, and they flew in to be on Arsenio Hall for one day and flew back. This is like 10, 15 years ago. Remember that? Hold on. Wait. What are we talking about right now? I like that Brody has...

I like that Brody has to explain that it was 10 to 15 years ago that New Kids were on Arsenio. New Kids were on Arsenio. Oh, really? That wasn't last week? It was during the Milli Vanilli. Oh, come on. But the whole Milli Vanilli thing was hot. Right, right, right. Oh, that puts it in perspective for me. Okay, I know what year we're talking about. But I remember they flew in straight from, they flew into L.A. and went right back. Are we talking about New Kids on the Block?

or Milli Vanilli? Who are we talking about right now? No, we're talking about flying. Flying. A short amount of time and a long flight. Yeah. All right, guys. Well, speaking of that, it's time to play a game here on the show. Oh. Oh, game time. It's time to play a little game called Guess the Misheard Lyrics. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. hmm

All right, it's time to play Guess the Misheard Lyrics. We all know how this is played. I will tell you the artist and the lyric that is commonly misheard, and then you tell me the real lyric, what the lyric actually is. Do you guys know music trivia here? I know music, and I've played trivia before.

I listen to K-Rock, Rick Dees. Sure. All right, we'll start with Brody, and you'll get a point if you guess it correctly. Okay. We start off a little bit easier, then they get tougher. All right, so Brody, your lyric is from Pat Benatar. Pat Benatar. Fan? I know of her. In fact, my friend's father delivered her baby out in the valley. Pat Benatar. Fantastic. All right, here we go. Then you'll know this probably. The misheard lyric is, hit me with your pet shark.

I got it. What do you got? Hit me with your best shot. Correct. Yes. This is a fun game. One point for Brody. One point for Brody. That was the easiest fucking thing I've ever heard. They start easy and then they get better. Hit me with your best shot. All right, Nick, you ready? Yeah. Here we go. R.E.M. Just recently disbanded after 25, 30 years in the biz. I'm so fake sad. Their misheard lyric is, let's pee in the corner. Um...

Okay. That's me in the corner. Correct. Oh, so you only one word miss off. I'll fucking start that band up again. Really? You want to be the new lead singer of R.E.M.? Yep. What's Michael Stipe going to do? Go into solo work or directing? Gosh, I wish he were here right now so we could ask about that. He's going to go to the Moody Nationals?

Win the gold medal. Fuck. All right, here we go. This Brody. Yes. Bloaty. Bloaty Brody. Bloaty. I am bloated. Bloaty semen. Oh, Nick. Come on, man. Pink Floyd. You a fan of Pink Floyd? I have one of their digitally downloaded albums. All right. The Wall. You may know this one. This is from The Wall. Never heard of it. The ducks are hazards in the classroom.

You're fucked. The ducks are hazards in the classroom. Hear the teachers. Dun, dun, dun, dun. The ducks are hazards in the classroom. Just give it a guess. The kids...

Or having it in the classroom? Ah, so close. Can I do it? Can I take it out? The kids? No, I'm sorry. Fuck you! We don't have time for you to... I should know that one. You fucking dick. It is, the Dukes of Hazzard should be taught in the classroom. No, it's not. Yes. The Dukes of Hazzard? They say that? Yeah, yeah. The Dukes of Hazzard was big at the time. It came out in the 70s. And they said that in a Pink Floyd song? Oh, wow. That's such fucking bullshit. The Dukes of Hazzard... Should be taught in the classroom. Oh, wow. Wow.

All right, Nick, turning over to you. Billy Joel. Oh! Never heard of him. You made the rice. I made the gravy. But it just may be some tuna fish you're looking for. Right. What do you got? Actual lyric. Do you wanna fuck? Do you wanna suck? Eat me out! I'm talking to you, Dad! Is that it? Oh, man, that is so close. Fuck!

You made the rice. You made the gravy. You made the pasta. You made the prosciutto. So fucking close. You made the spaghetti. You made the calzones. And Billy Joel sat around on his fat, lazy ass watching SportsCenter. Wow. That's the real lyric. And that song is live from Italy? I know that one. All right, Brody, turning to you. You can catch up here. You can take the lead. I'm going to try. George Harrison. Heard of him. One of the Beatles. One of those guys.

Thought my mom sat on you. I get my mind set on you. That was really close. Unfortunately, it's yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she'd be backing up. Yo mama so hairy chested, I thought her tits were coconuts.

That sounds right. I got my bed wet with poo. That's another version, too. My bed wet with poo? That's another version of that. I got my bed wet with poo. I got my bed wet with poo. I got my mind wet with poo. I got my mind wet with poo. I got my mind set on you. That's not it? That's not it. I'm so sorry, Brody. You'd think it would be. All right, this is the last question. You can take the lead or you'll be co-champions because you've tied. Which would you rather be, champion or co-champion? I don't mind being co-champion.

I want to be champion. All right, here we go. Co-chaplain. Michael Jackson. Heard of him. This is for Nick. Is he an actor? Show them hot monkey. Show them hot monkey. Show them hot monkey. Show them hot monkey. Shock the monkey. Blow the cock donkey. Is that it? No, I'm so sorry. It is... The actual lyric is... My son's name is Blanket. It's actually... Hee hee.

bubbles whoo shamone where bubbles at show them hot monkey he he where my cully at whoo hot monkey

Sorry, Nick. You did not get it. That means you're co-champions, though. We'll take it. Co-champion like Minneapolis and St. Paul. Twin Cities. Twin Cities. That is, of course, how we play. St. Cloud University. That game is tough. Mall of America. Most lyrics are not what you think they are when you actually... They're not at all. Harmon, Killebrew, Rod Carew, Burp Lylevin.

Have a picture of me and Burt Bly Levin. Burt B. Holm Bly Levin. All right, guys. Let's take a little break. What do you say? And then when we come back, we'll have another guest on the show. We'll be right back with Comedy Bang Bang. We have Brody Stevens and Nick Swartz, and we'll be right back. Tom Berry is an idiot. Tom Berry is an idiot.

Don't take brains or money to see He's a stupid fucking asshole Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh A stupid fucking asshole Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh And he can't play the drum No, he can't play the drum

Listen to him playin' the drums Oh, listen to him! Todd Berry is an idiot. Berry is an idiot. Todd Berry is an idiot. Todd Berry is an idiot.

It is. It is.

That is... Whoa. That is Amy Mann and Tim Heidecker featuring Todd Berry on drums. Todd Berry is an idiot. This is Comedy Bang Bang. We're back with Brody Stevens and Nick Swardson. And we have a very special guest here coming into the studio. Hello. In fact, he just came into the studio. I'm not quite sure who he is. Are we on the air? I mean, yeah, we're recording. It's Bob Cage. I'm Nick Cage's brother. And stand in.

Okay. Yeah. Dude, I'm so psyched. I'm a huge fan, by the way. Thank you. Of Nick Cage. Love your work in Face Off. That's my brother. That's Nick Cage. I'm Bob Cage. Gotcha. Wait, I thought you said you were his stand-in. I'm a stand-in. So you're not standing in the movie? But I don't take credit for it. No, I don't take credit for his work. Got it. That would be low. That would be very low of me to take credit. I do my own stuff.

Did a one-man show. Oh! Yeah. I saw it. Cool. Well, thanks for coming in, man. It's great to meet you. I'm just going to return to the show here with Nick. Let's do it. If his show comes back, though, it's called Cage Against the Machine. Fantastic. It's all Bob. It's all me with Rage Against the Machine. I do a lot of talking about how those songs influenced different experiences in my life. Really great show. Really great show. Which one was the most influential?

Rage Against the Machine song? Sure, yeah, we were talking about those. Gorilla Radio? You know what, I'd have to say, yeah, Gorilla Radio is pretty good because the thing is, I collect animals. I did have gorillas. And I would live with those gorillas and they would play with the radio to a degree that would drive me crazy. They were very into Hot Country. I don't know if you know that, the Trace Adkins stuff like that. Toby Keith? Yeah, exactly. So when I hear that Gorilla Radio, it brings me back to...

Having those gorillas in my house changing the radio station. So these are the kind of tough things I deal with. And you talk about that in the show? Yeah. To that extent, what you just did? It's kind of odd. Somebody said it's like Angels in America as a one-man show. It's really moving. Yeah. Where did you see it, Nick?

I saw it at the new Pasadena Playhouse. And then I just saw the other one at the new Chick-fil-A. Well, yeah, that's what I've moved to. I was out in front of the Pasadena Playhouse. Now I am doing it exclusively at the Chick-fil-A. They can't stop me. At midnight, it is a public space. The parking lot is mine. I'm occupying Chick-fil-A.

Just capitalism and chicken, they go hand in hand, yeah. Matinee on Sunday there at Chick-fil-A? Always, of course, especially Sundays. They don't open on Sundays. Why? Religion. Chick-fil-A's not open on Sundays, is that correct? Nope. Religion comes in. It's the opiate of the masses. Do you get biblical? You know, I try to get biblical. I try to open up. In the show, you... Well, the Book of Secrets, which is a reference to my brother's movie, National Treasure 2...

Is it really? Book of Secrets, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the first one was about something else, and this one was about the Book of Secrets. So you call the Bible the Book of Secrets? No, I read from the Book of Secrets. Oh, the literal Book of Secrets. Yeah, it's a book of just Nick Cage-isms. Yeah, I salute my brother in different movies, you know. What are some of those Nick Cage-isms? Oh, well, one thing is I'd rather be moonstruck than struck by a moon.

That's one thing he always says. I like that. That's good. I would imagine that would hurt. I mean, it doesn't seem like we're spinning on this great big orb that we're on. Right, right. But we're actually traveling several trillion miles an hour. Hey, I'm not a scientist. But I guess that does sound pretty right to me.

It sounds pretty right on. By the way, the moon kills 300 people a day. Yeah. A lot of people don't realize that. And not from tidal waves or anything like that, from actually slamming into them. It'll come down. Yeah, like just come down like one of those bouncy balls, like bam, and just, you know, just knock everything out. People explode. Yeah.

Pretty bad, pretty bad. Anytime you hear of a missing person, it's not that they're missing, it's that the moon crashed into them. It's a moon death. So if we have a full moon here in LA, is there a full moon in New York on the same night? You know what? That's something you got to ask Albert Einstein or somebody like that. You can ask me though. No, moons are different in every zip code.

Really? Yeah, if it's full here in LA, then it's a sliver off every other zip code. So essentially, if you're in Echo Park, you'll get a different moon than you'll get in Santa Monica. Yeah, definitely. Wow. Makes sense. Love it. Makes a lot of sense. Fuck, the moon is so controversial. What?

I mean, I didn't want to talk about it that much because I'm involved in an organization that's trying to get rid of it. You know, brother, I'm right with you. The moon is bad news. Again, with Chick-fil-A, it's all these kind of people. They're working in tandem. They are indeed. I did a little time in prison. And let me tell you something. When I was in there, a lot of theories were going around, a lot of crazy things. And the two things I took out were Chick-fil-A and the moon are bad.

Those are the two. Those are the two most prominent of the discussions. A lot of people getting stuff pinned on them. Who'd you hang out with in the prison? The Aryan guys? You know what the cool thing is? Nick Cage movies know no bounds. I was able to kind of go in with the Aryans. I was in with the blacks, you know, Latino gangbangers, you name it. I was able to just really have a great time with these guys. A lot of these guys misunderstood, guys. Was it a lot like that movie Con Air, but not on a plane? You know what? Yeah.

Yeah, it was like Con Air in a prison that didn't move and no one escaped. I bet you could use some Con Air conditioning. What's up, player? Or hair dryer. Seriously, though, I could use some air conditioning. I could use some air conditioning. Can I plug your other new movie? Please, go ahead. Bob also has another movie coming out. He's also in the vein of kind of a Frank Stallone. He has a movie coming out called National Pleasure. It's great.

Wonderful movie. I'm working with some amazing actresses. Tawny Katane, if you remember her. Yeah. She's in it. I do nothing but remember her. She's a beauty. The second Tool Time Girl, not Pamela Anderson, but the other one, she's in it. It's called National Pleasure. Basically, what I do is I find a kind of like a giant vibrator that when turned on will affect every woman in a 50-mile radius, giving them hence National Pleasure. Right.

Right, 50 miles all across this great USA. Well, I move it. I'm constantly moving it. It's on some sort of flatbed truck? Yeah, it's on kind of like a trailer, a flatbed truck. I'm a truck driver in the movie who is given this kind of secret cargo, but during a stop at a local pilot... And the keys to the truck.

Well, yeah, I'm a truck driver. Yeah, you were given the cargo and the keys to the truck, I would imagine. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they gave me the whole thing. You know, normally I hook my rig up to a truck. Probably an instruction manual. Well, I'll hook up, you know, I'll keep the cab always. I mean, you know, I decorate the cab with different kind of funny air fresheners. The one I got right now is a Pac-Man, you know, which I love because it brings me back to my youth. I was a Pac-Man champion three years running. What does that sound like? Do you have like a Pac-Man peeing on asteroids? Yeah.

You know what? I would love to find one of those. I saw one of those in Arkansas one time, but yeah, I like it. I like any buddy peeing on anything. Greatest regret of your life that you passed that one up, I bet. It was indeed. I mean, you know, at that time, I was rocking a Calvin when he was pissing on a Ford Symbol, which I always find funny because I really thought that Bill Watterson, he really opened up that world to Calvin after he left the comic strips to

It just became so much richer. Way funnier. Way funnier. Really digging into what made Calvin Calvin. Just pissing on things. And, you know, Hobies is in there, and that's what I think is the best part of it. Yeah. So tell us more about what else they gave you when they gave you the... Oh, the National Pleasure Truck? They gave you the truck, the keys...

The instruction manual. Right. You kept the cab. Well, the cab, you know, it also has a serious satellite radio, so I have an instruction manual for the different satellite radio stations I can hear. You know, Broadway, Classic Fantasy Football Channel, whatever I want to hear, Howard 100, Howard 101. So anyway, I'm driving and I stop at a pilot to take a shower and a shit. You know, that's what I normally do. This is not me, man.

This is my character. Yeah, we got it. And I was like, what is in that truck? Oh, you haven't looked inside it yet. And they didn't tell you what it is. Never look at the cargo. That's my rule. Never look at the cargo. Just deliver it. This is the one time you break that rule. Exactly. I open it up because I hear a little rattling. Inciting incident. See this gigantic, gigantic space-looking thing. It says, do not turn on. And then on the bottom it says, because of national pleasure. Oh.

Whoa. Chills. With all this stuff, and we're living in this Barack Obama Marxist society. People need to have some pleasure. That's true. So I flip it on, and...

And all of a sudden, the ladies at the truck stop, it's old. It's a funny comic relief part. Because they're super old. They're fat. People who shouldn't enjoy sexual pleasure. Exactly. They shouldn't have pussies anymore. No. Right. Zip them up. Exactly. I have a friend in jail who actually sewed his butthole shut.

Oh, really? That is something that is going around. It's kind of like those glow-in-the-dark tattoos. If I were going to jail, I'd do the same thing. Yeah. You got to. You got to zip it up. Anyway, so these women start orgasming like crazy. And I go, oh, my God, I got this. Now, meanwhile, the government's after me. You know, it's the guy Gregory Itson from 24. He played the vice president. Oh, he's so good. So good. Really good actor. Yeah. He comes after me, you know, but I got this truck. He plays the government? Yeah.

He plays, you know, one of the main guys in the government. Kind of think J. Edgar Hoover with a Vin Diesel tinge. You know, and so it's kind of like Fast and the Furious meets Smokey and the Bandit meets, you know, most porn. Any porno. Yeah. And there's a lot of sex going on. Do you actually have sex in the movie? I don't.

I am controlling the giant vibrator, and that is giving women pleasure across the country. Is this a hard R? Are we NC-17? The cover box does say triple X on it. I heard, though, that you went and appealed the ratings board because it used to be quadruple X. Exactly. We brought it in, and what they said to us, they don't tell you exactly what to do, but we had a scene with four fists, and we just knocked it out to three, and we got back down to three.

That is so great. That doesn't sound that harsh. Fists. Fists and one butt. I mean, look, if we're going to get to that specific, then yeah, that's what we cut out. But that will all be on the DVD in the blue. Oh, great. A great extra. Unrated version? Unrated version, I hope. Knock wood if this is wood. Yeah.

Yeah, it definitely is. So it doesn't sound like you get to partake in any of the fun stuff, though. No, but when I watch it, I enjoy all the ladies enjoying themselves. Yeah. But you give it validity just because of who you are. So you almost, like, make it a legitimate film where it could cross over and find a mainstream audience. Exactly. When people see, you know...

Cage, national pleasure. They're going to go, let's go see that. And maybe, yes, 95% of them will think Nicolas Cage, but I think that the 10% fan base that I've accrued on Twitter with my Bob Cage tweeter, we get a lot of people in the seats now.

Is your brother upset at you? It seems to me like it could be construed as you're capitalizing on his fame a little bit and taking it somewhere just one notch below the movies he normally makes. You know what? That's a tough question. I wasn't expecting to come on here to be attacked. I apologize. If you want, we can give you 30 seconds to think about your answer. 30 seconds of silence? Sure. All right, here we go. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Time's up. What do you got? No. The answer was no. Oh, okay. Great. Well, I heard a story. I know your brother filed for bankruptcy recently. Yeah, I was living in one of his castles. I know. I've heard about that. I heard one reason is that on a trip to Vegas, you called him and you needed to borrow $25 million. Yeah.

What happened there? That is true. And the fuck? The only specific you've heard wrong was it was Atlantic City and it was $25 million. Yeah, it was indeed $25 million. Jesus, Bob. Yeah, I get a little bit of addicted to playing pie gal poker. You know, that's my game. Oh, my God. Yeah, that's my game. Did you just say, I'd like to bet this hotel and if I win, I win the hotel? Normally, yeah.

You know, that's what I will do. I'll kind of bet people and their wives, their children, and things like that. This time I did ask the Borgata to put themselves up against me to play a little pie gal. Now, the idea is it's kind of like blackjack where I saw it. It's nothing like blackjack, actually. And that is why I lost that 25 million. You didn't know the rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Was this the first time you had played? You know, Asians, what?

This was the first hand you'd ever played before? Yeah, first hand I ever played. I just liked it. I liked that. It looked like blackjack to me. I was mistaken. Right. There were cards with numbers on it. Anybody could have thought it was blackjack. I mean, that's the thing I'm trying to really get the word out about on my Twitter is that a lot of these casinos, they're playing the cards and...

And they look the same. You know, poker, blackjack, what's the difference? I don't know. Only the dealer knows. The house is in their favor. That's why now I'm only on ball kind of games, like roulette. Lottery. Lottery, yeah. Craps. Craps are a dice game. But, you know, they're definitely a lot. You can play with ball bearings.

Well, there you go. Circle dice. I would love to do that. Yeah, circle dice. Dungeons and Dragons dice. I would do that as well. Really? Yeah. What are craps with Dungeons and Dragons dice? That would be fun. Oh, it would be a lot of fun. But you might summon one of them warlocks. We don't want that.

I'm sorry. I thought we were doing another moment of silence to let you rethink that one. No, no, no. He's got a point. He's got a point. You know, that's the problem with those D&D dice, man. You never know what you're going to get. Give me a seven. Give me a seven. Oh, my God. We're all being mauled by warlocks. You get them to come through the cross portal. Yeah. Now, your nephew seems to be having a lot of problems. Oh,

Oh, yeah. Lashing out, getting beat up by a train. It was all over TMZ. Brody has hosted TMZ, so he knows a lot about this. Brody, let me tell you something. I watched you on TMZ. I thought that what you did out there was amazing. The high kick, I was impressed. I think that you brought an energy unlike anybody else there. You brought a tambourine unlike anybody else. I brought a tambourine, got it in there. I like what you said about Justin Bieber. Yeah.

You kind of called him out for being a little bit smarter than he was, and I appreciate that. There you go. You know what we call it? Versalimitude, I believe. That's how you pronounce it. You brought some truthfulness. That is 100% how you pronounce that. Yeah, you brought some versalimitude to TMZ. You brought some truthfulness. And Bieber took notice. He did. He's been quiet. He's been on the down low. He has indeed. And you know... Took heed. You know, so yeah. But my nephew is in a lot of trouble. But, you know, look...

What are your responsibilities as an uncle? As an uncle? Yeah. My responsibilities is just to kick it when we need to kick it, talk about it when we need to talk about it, and just forget about it when we don't need to talk about it. How often do you need to kick it or talk about it? Well, you know, with Roman...

I mean, it depends. It's all over the board. I mean, he'll want to talk. Sometimes he'll want to kick. But I'm going to say it's a 25-75 ratio. 25 kick it, 75% forget about it. Have you ever met him? No. Oh, yeah.

Just some lonely Skype calls. Well, we communicate over post-it notes that we leave in public locations. Dead drops. Yeah, dead drops. You know, your local donut places, there's a place out here called Winchell's. On Melrose. Exactly. The Steve Jobs Memorial really stole from us. We've been leaving those posts on glass, plate glass windows for a long time. And, you know, so, you know, it's...

So imagine my dismay when I went to the Apple store at the Grove where I hang out a lot. And you'd left one there. I left one there. And now I'm looking at all these. I'm like, oh, my God. There's a lot of messages. But I realized it was just for Steve Jobs.

All right, guys. Let's take a little break. When we come back, we'll have a little more of Bob Cage. You're a fascinating guy. Thank you so much. I want to hear a little bit more about you. Definitely. We have Brody Stevens, of course. Love Brody. Nick, not Cage, but Swartzen is here. Love Nick Swartzen. Love this guy. Fantastic guy. Love pretend time.

Love it. God bless you, Bob. Let's hear a little bit of Steve Martin and Chevy Chase and Martin Short singing. What do you say? Oh, is this Bobby McFerrin? This is Bobby McFerrin here on Comedy Bang Bang. I love it. My little buttercup has the sweetest smile. Dear little buttercup, won't you stay a while?

Come with me where moonbeams paint the sky. And you and I might linger in the sweet by and by. Oh, dear little buttercup, with your eyes so blue. Oh, little buttercup, you're a dream come true.

You and I will settle down in a cottage built for two. Dear little buttercup, I love you. Everybody! My little buttercup has the sweetest smile. Dear little buttercup, won't you stay a while?

You and I will settle down in a cottage built for two. Dear little buttercup, sweet little buttercup, my little buttercup, I love you.

Hey, everybody. This is Scott Aukerman. I am the host of the show. And I want to remind you, well, I want to more than remind you, I want to inform you to go on over to Earwolf.com and check out our new Comedy Bang Bang t-shirts. New t-shirts for sale starting today. We have a short sleeve. We have a baseball.

tee. What do you call those? I used to call them sleeves. We used to call them sleeves when I was in baseball, but that's kind of a half sleeve, not a long sleeve. You don't need me to tell you how long these sleeves are. Go on over to Earwolf.com and check them out. They're cheap at twice the price, and I'll see you at the movies! Vuh...

Welcome back. I'm Hot Tosserman. We're here with Bob Cage and Brody Stephens. We were shooting Valley Girl right next door to that Three Amigos. Really? Yeah, it was great. Boy, they sat Three Amigos on the shelf for a long time. I know they did. They did indeed, yeah. Did you run into those Three Amigos ever? Never met them. I thought it was a Spanish picture. I didn't want to go over there and get embarrassed. It was a Spanish picture, yeah.

You guys shot it all on the same back lot? All on the same back lot. The universal back lot. The home of every film from Desperate Housewives to Parenthood. I mean, it really runs the gamut. Yeah, every film is from there. You shot Bucky Larson there, didn't you? We shot Bucky for a year and a half there. Yeah. We had an Avatar schedule.

Where we shot... Just you wanted to make sure you got it right. It was insane. Yeah, we had new cameras. We had a whole new technology. You shot every scene eight times, too. Every scene 80 times. Wow. That's actually the correct... Kind of like the Fitcher. You're like the David Fincher of comedy in the sense that you don't stop until it's perfect. You don't stop. You got to get 80 takes...

Men. I read you had an interesting style where it wasn't 80 takes from the same angle. You did 80 different angles, and that's why it took so long. Like the Matrix? Yeah, like the Matrix. I want a perspective from everything. What does the window think of the scene? What does the ceiling think of the scene? What does that lamp think of the scene? Nick, may I ask you a question? Yes. Was this because you were preparing for the amazing immersive technology that will eventually become Holodeck's Go 4K?

Like that, if you draw it that way, you could essentially, this would be the first holodeck movie. Bob, you know the answer to that question. Yes, of course. Thank you. We're bracing for a technological tsunami. I've been bracing for it for a long time. You know that Whoopi Goldberg has been taping herself as the holodeck person. Guinan, you know.

Technically, she worked in the bar, but she did visit the holodeck quite often. Well, she's been taping... They knew her background on that show, and they're like, we need a warm, welcoming presence on the holodeck. Definitely. So they've been taping her saying every word in the English language. Just like Roger Ebert. And they're just going to splice it together. Wow. If Whoopi doesn't get discovered...

After that... She needs a fucking break. She's a great talent that not a lot of people know about. She has not gotten that break yet. She hasn't gotten enough breaks. No one's given her every opportunity. She was good in Ghost. Not great, but good. Good. Not great, indeed. But good. She did a movie with a dinosaur where she played a cop and the dinosaur was... Sister Act. I think that's what it was called. And it was really... I mean... You know, it was...

not great. We're looking for that next level performance. We're looking for, you know, hate to say it, Nick Cage, Vampire's Kiss. That's the kind of performance that we're looking for. That elevates her. Exactly. That's next level, man. When do you know you've achieved that, Bob? When do you know that you've done a Vampire's Kiss type of movie? You know, like, has Nick done a next level type movie yet?

Well, Nick, I mean, he did Vampire's Kiss, obviously. That's true. No, I mean Nick Schwartz in here. He obviously did Vampire's Kiss. I'm sorry. I did Vampire's Kiss also. Which was the sequel. I played the kiss. Right. Which was great. Nick, I'm going to tell you this.

They call me the star maker. And I can tell you, I'm sniffing around, and what I'm sniffing is a garden that is growing, Swartzen. Oh, my God. I mean, my God, you watch this guy's performance in 30 minutes or less, and I'm like, you know what? I want 90 minutes or more of Nick Swartzen. That's kind of what I want. Bucky Larson, born to be a star, slash that. Bucky Larson is a star. Yeah. Bob, I mean, those words are...

Powerful. I mean, I can't thank you enough being such a fan of yours from Cage Against the Machine. Thank you. From National Pleasure. Thank you. From Ghost Rider. Oh, you're going to go there. Ghost Rider. Ghost Rider. That was a great flick. I mean, Bob, I can't thank you enough. Well, you know what? I'm going to tell you. You got star potential. And you know what? I tell my brother to watch out because, you know, there's only room for one Nick here.

in Hollywood at one time. And it's going to be Nick Swardson. And that's actually true. And I told Nick Kroll, forget about it, bro. You're not even in the running. Didn't you... You starred in one of Nick Cage's films and everyone just said it was Nick Cage, right? True. That is true. Which one was that? It was one of the most recent ones.

Season of the Witch. Season of the Witch. That's what I thought. No one saw it, so really it was not... A few reviewers caught on because most of the film was shot from behind my head. And you don't look anything like your brother. Nothing like him. I am 4'7". I weigh about 320 pounds.

And, you know, I'm rocking a pretty solid goatee with a strong Raleigh mustache. You know, one of those curly cute russ mustache. I'm surprised you have the dreadlocks, too. That just seems like it wouldn't be good for a stand-in. You know what? I got to tell you, these dreads keep the sun out and, you know, keeps my head protected. Number one cause of death of people in California. Getting hit in the head by the moon. Well, that's it. Actually, you're right. You don't want to amend that. But the moon fucking hates dreadlocks. I hate it.

Now, how about the Vegas movies? He's been up there a couple times. Been up there for a honeymoon in Vegas. Honeymoon. Leaving Las Vegas. Emotional. Were you there for your brother for those moments where he had to get deep into character? I remember looking at him.

And telling him during honeymoon in Vegas, I said, this is your chance. You're working with the master, James Caan, and the mistress, Sarah Jessica Parker. And I was like, you got to bring it. You got to bring it like a robber bringing guns to a bank. To an actual robbery, yeah. Right. That's even more succinct than the way I said it. If I could go back in time, I would say that. Someday we will. Yeah, and you know, I remember he told me...

I would love to be... I would love... You guys, if you guys are into that time travel stuff at all... I'm super into it. I'm so fucking into time travel. Like, let's talk about it right now. Okay. I'm a big believer in the butterfly effect. That's why I'm much more in the side of the Terra Nova type of time travel, which is go back into an alternate universe. If you can choose... Yeah. Yeah.

Always choose the alternate universe. Yeah, because it's going to have a lot more fun. I mean, who wants to have the issue of if you spill a glass of water, yeah, there will be no iPods. I want to go into a Terra Nova type of world. Where it's like, hey, I don't give a shit there's no iPods because look, there's water all over my floor and look what happened. And that's the beauty of time travel. Anyway, we're doing Honeymoon in Vegas. So beautiful.

I'm telling Nick, bring it with all the energy you got. And that guy walked away with that, with not one, but two. But eight Oscars.

Eight Oscars from Hollywood in Vegas. I was going to say two Blockbuster Awards. No, he won those two Blockbuster Awards. I mean, everyone knows that's the industry standard. The Blockbuster, those are the fan awards. The fans chosen by the fans, not by the fucking money men, not by the Jews. Those are the special ones. Yeah, exactly. And the Blockbuster Awards are even more relevant now because there are no Blockbusters videos. And yet the voting is never stopping. 49 cent rentals. It does not stop.

I thought it was weird that in leaving Las Vegas and only in that scene you were the one who had sex with Elizabeth Shue. Oh, in the shower with a dick. That's kind of like Clue, right? Yeah, man. I get it like a murder. Like you murdered her pussy with your dick. Yeah, that's right.

In the shower with the... So you were fully nude? You didn't use the pasties? Nope. I told Elizabeth, who's an amazing actress, I said, we got to bring this. We got to bring this raw. Let's bring you back. You know, we'll do it raw dog. We'll do it emotional. And you know, it's like when it doesn't... When you see it fake...

The best love scene of all time, Kim Basinger, Alec Baldwin, Getaway remake. Real. Real, because they really are having sex. The worst is something like where it's just people effing, but they're not really effing. I hate watching that. Anytime I watch a movie and...

you can tell that the guy's penis isn't actually in her vagina for real. Why shoot it? Why shoot it? No pun intended. No pun intended. Why shoot it? The movie I wanted you to do that you pitched with Elizabeth Shue that was in the trades for a minute, that was your idea, which I thought was genius, was Adventures in Babysitting. Okay. Let me tell you where this idea came from. Okay. I'd love to hear just the chronology from soup to nuts. Okay.

What are the... Women all across the country have this problem. Yeah. They shit babies. Yeah, that's true. Literally. And I thought the idea of this thing... You know, she did this great movie called... I forget the name of it, but it was a parody title. We made Adventures in Babysitting. I forget her movie. Yeah, Adventures in Babysitting. Oh, that sounds about right. So...

We're doing Adventures in Babysitting. Sure. And this is ten years before her movie. Yeah. I mean, this is when she was deciding about it. It was between either one. No, you get ten years to decide on a movie, and if you don't decide after ten years, poof, it goes away. Exactly. It's kind of like my favorite of all Kubrick movies, AI. The best one, you know? Absolutely. They released that one after he died. Thank God he didn't direct that one. It's so good. Spielberg really brought...

Kubrick up another level. Picked him up another level. Yeah. He did the vampire's kiss of directing. You know what? I never thought about it like that, but you're right. Yeah.

Ventures in Babysitting was a great film. Babysitting, I'm sorry. Yeah, I was going to say. I was going to argue with you on that. But it's basically, I play an OBGYN. Exclamation point, I always say, because I love my job. And basically the idea is, what was it like for me, a man about town, having to deal with all these babysitting things? Apparently women freaked out because they felt that babysitting was a terrible way to kind of...

you know, call women having birth. Yeah. Right. But it's a little insensitive, but I like the part in that where we're going to do an animated though. Oh really? Like an animated Saturday morning kids side version. I hope.

like fritz the cat i love the part in that where your character um you have the cab of your truck and you're you're given the uh the truck full of babies the back of the truck and they you hook it up there's like a long like probably 98 minute scene just watching you attach the back of the truck to your cab and just like you get it wrong and well that was before actually uh

got a cab rider in all my movies. I didn't understand how to hook the cab up to the cargo, but that was the pivotal scene. I mean, yeah, once I hooked the cab up, it did take about 98 minutes and we did it real time, just kind of like Barry Lyndon, another great, uh, you know, Kubrick movie in the echelon, probably the best Kubrick movie. Um,

Probably the best, yeah. And so we had this final scene where, again, I'm being chased by the government, and they hook all these women up to this machine and use them kind of like a rocket launcher because we've put a pump in each of their vaginas to shoot these babies at long range. Yeah, it's a lot like a T-shirt cannon. Exactly. And so we're shooting them at Russia because that's Cold War kind of stuff. You've got to remember, this is back in 1976 or so, the bicentennial. Right.

We were predicting the Cold War years before people actually knew what was coming up. So we're firing them at it, and we save the day and everything. Again, it's a shame that that did not get any mainstream release. It was the Ford Fairlane of its time. No traction. Yeah. Women get in front of it, and they mark everything. I mean, they got the umbilical cord. I mean, that's something I'm thinking about. They're going to go. They snap back.

That's what it was for. People thought it was cruel because it's like, don't fire these babies who are just being born at Russia. No, you forget that they're going to snap back and the women get to keep their babies. It's kind of like the moon idea. It just hits you in the face, knocks you over, and comes right back. Here's the thing, though, and I'm going to get on my soapbox right now. Okay, hold on, hold on. Do we have a theme for your soapbox? We have any kind of soapbox theme. I want to get on my soapbox.

All right, here we go. Thank you. I'm going to get on my soapbox here just like Harvey Milk did and just say, you know, we did shoot that and the Harlem Globetrotters did steal that bit from us. You know, the umbilical cord bit. They do it with a basketball. We did it with babies. And, you know, I got to say, no respect. All disrespect. No respect. All disrespect. That's a great point. Soapy box. All disrespect. Soapy box. I love your soapbox. All right, guys. Well, let's take a little break here.

I want to know a little bit more about you, Bob, but when we come back, we'll also play a little game. This is Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back. Popping bottles in the ice like a blizzard. When we drink, we do it right. Getting slizzard, sipping scissor in my ride.

Like a G6, like a G6, like a G6

I'm feeling so fly like a G6. Give me that momoette. Give me that c-c-crystal. Ladies love my style. At my table getting wild. G-g-get them bottles popping. We get that drip in the drop now. Now give me two more bottles cause you know it don't stop. When sober girls around me, they be acting like they drunk. They be acting like they drunk. A-acting like they drunk. Sipping scissor in my rye.

Like a G6. Oh, Richard Cheese, like a G6. Yes. We're here with Bob Cage, Brody Stevens. Enjoy it. Greatest cadence in comedy. You got it. Brody, let me ask you a question. Yeah, Bob. Mixed words. I follow you. Oh, sorry.

That's fine. I follow you on Twitter, and I see the hashtag 818. What does it mean? That's an area code out in San Fernando Valley, home of Warner Brothers. I forgot how many dicks you take in your ass. Oh, Scott. Yeah, motherfucker. If that is possible, I'd love to talk to you about it. 818. 818. Wow. No, so 818, that's your home you're representing. I'm representing that through AT&T. I'm representing that through our compound. Got it.

Got it. Or Family Compound out there. Brody, would you like to do crowd work with Bob Cage here? Bob Cage, great to see you. So where did you go to high school? I went to high school over at St. John the Baptist.

I believe that. You went through a little, and you didn't complete it. You could have gone to Santa Monica High School, Beverly Hills High School. You said, I want to get out of this rigamarole. Exactly. I think you're trying to say rigor mortis. Rigor mortis. Rigor mortis. Get me out to St. John the Baptist. Exactly. And let me pave my own way. Right. Indeed I did. This guy, I've seen him do crowd work. Yeah. Best crowd work I have ever seen. Thank you very much. I have been personally...

to over 15 different Chelsea Lately tapings. This is back when it was good, when Brody was doing the crowd work. It really took a dive after Brody left. I left after you left. I left and took the show with me, basically. Those shows don't seem warm. The crowds don't seem to laugh as much. They scream and yell. I got true laughs. I connected.

I did it for the comedians. I did it for the talent on the show. I followed you from Best Dance Sports Show. Thank you. Over to Chelsea Lately. That's the only way I'll watch TV unless when I'm warmed up is when I'll enjoy it. Nick, you took Brody's job after he left Chelsea Lately. You're the warm-up person for Chelsea Lately. I did. It was a career move that confused my agents, but I want to go back to my roots. I did warm-up...

Crowd warm up. Do magic. Did you give out candy? Did you give out t-shirts? What was the deal? I gave out lessons, life lessons. I handed out a lot of my knowledge working the streets. You know, I kind of gave out these people, these tourists from Indiana, from Ohio. Welcome to America. Welcome to Los Angeles. Here's how you blow an old man. Wow. You know what I mean? So I just gave them little tips and stuff like that. What are the tips on blowing an old man?

How's it different from... What street? Oh, yeah, that's true. It all varies, man. The Beverly old men are, you know, they're a little bit more laid back, you know what I mean? The Beverly Hills ones? No, Beverly Boulevard. Oh, Beverly Hills. Oh, yeah. Beverly Hills, their game. They're so bored with fucking, because they've had so much money, that they're like, give me something new. And that's when they see Nicky Swords bring his fucking A-game. I love it.

I'm doing the vampire's kiss at blowjobs. Yeah, vampire's kiss. And then fill me up with some manpire fire piss on my fucking throat. You know, I used to have... I think you can turn anything into a sexual...

It's a gift. I used to have a shirt. I used to have a dress shirt that said Manfire Piss on it. Really? Yeah, it's one of my favorite dress shirts. A dress shirt? Yeah, I would wear it out. Manfire Piss on it. Exactly. Manfire Piss on me. Yeah, exactly. Got it. In the back, almost like a baseball logo, like a jersey? Well, no, it was all in the front. It was all in the front, but it had a separate thing where the tie would go, so the tie wouldn't block the slogan. Okay.

That's why I love that book. One of your books that you wrote, It's All on the Front, is such a great motto for... I appreciate it, and I appreciate you calling it a book and not a pamphlet, like a lot of people called it, but it is all on the front. You don't have a second chance to make a first impression. I said that, it got took off, and...

And never get credit for it. But it is on the front. But it's on the front. Everyone gives you credit for that. Exactly. Look, you don't see... When you look at the Ides of March picture, the poster for it, what do you see? You don't see the back of George Clooney's head, right? No, that would be insane. Exactly. It's all on the front. You were the first person to recognize that people recognize people from their fronts. Yeah. And your motto...

That I thought was really cool. You can't fuck a girl with your asshole. It's so true and honest because you can't. That's what we are trying to do as a people a lot of the times, trying to fuck girls with our... This is all a metaphor, obviously. We're all trying to fuck girls with our assholes. And you got to understand, yes, that's a sexual organ. Yes, you can have sex with that organ, but you can't have that kind of sex. It's the pleasure center for just...

extreme intense pleasure that a man, the most intense pleasure that a man can ever... Very sensitive down there. Very sensitive. I mean, you know... And quite often, itchy is all fuck. Well, not for me. I do a daily colonic, but I'll tell you, I mean, the idea is... I use baby wipes. Oh, I do as well. Makes a difference. Cottonelle swath wipes have changed my entire life. The entire way of going to the bathroom has changed. Why did we stop this? When we were children, we had soft wipes.

Then we go to dry wipes. What's changed? Yeah, what's going on there? What's changed? Raise your children better. Anyway, you can't fuck a girl at the asshole. Yeah. Because it's sort of like if you want to go shoot a gun at a movie theater, you can't. You got to bring a gun to a gun range. You can't fuck a girl at the ass. Or bring a movie to your gun range.

No, that wouldn't work. No, why not? Why not? Outdoor, you know, drive-in. DVD player. I guess you could do that. I guess technically. I'm just saying let's, you know, it's like food combining. Let's keep it separate, you know, be healthy. You like to keep all your food separate. Keep the shellfish away from the chicken. You don't like recipes, I remember reading. No, everything's good. You wrote that one book, the anti-recipe book, where it's just a list of ingredients with no instructions of how to put them together. It's just a picture of chicken and the pictures of...

Picture chicken, but cook that. Picture of carrots, eat that. And it's helpful because we've got to remember there are foods out there to eat. That aren't combined. Yeah, because so much of our food is combined lately. Pizza, over 17 different ingredients in pizza. You've got the bread ingredient.

You got the tomato ingredient. What else? You got the cheese ingredient. What else? You got the pepperoni. What else? You got the pepper ingredient. What else? Sausage. You got the mushroom ingredient. What else? Pineapple. The sausage. What else? Pineapple. Canadian bacon. You got the cheese-filled crust. What else? You got also... Deep dish possibilities. You got the olives. What else? You got... Mushrooms. Mushrooms.

We said mushrooms. Oh. But you know what you also have? The mozzarella. Oh, the mozzarella. Yeah. So that's a cursory list of 13 of the 17 items. We don't have time for 14 through 17. No. I'm afraid I have to cut you off. I don't want to bore your audience with the other ingredients of pizza. But I mean, that's the kind of thing you don't think about what you're eating. God damn it. I wish people would fucking wake up.

That's what I said to Nick. I said, yeah, you got to wake up. You got to stop. You got to do a movie about food combining. It should be National Treasure Part 3. Stop combining your food. It's like Kyle C. says. We got to wake up. We got to wake up and smell the pizza. Is Kyle C. the guy I took my stand-up comedy class from? Yeah. Yeah. That breakdown video is one of the fucking most intense things I've ever seen. When he looks you in the eye...

And you immediately revert to a baby-like fetal position and just start crying. You can barely hear you say knock, knock. He is my Uta Hagen. He is my comedy Uta Hagen. That's intense, dude. Extreme method. Thank you. Thank you. All right, guys. Well, it's time to play a little game here on the show. Oh, another game. A game that one of our favorites here. It's time to play a little something called Would You Rather. All right. Oh. Ooh, medieval trumpet. Ooh.

No, this is Santa Anita on Sunday. I own the world's largest collection of medieval trumpets, actually. Welcome to the Breeders' Cup. This is the song my balls play when my dick comes. That's my text.

All right, it's time to play Would You Rather. We all know how this is played. People send us Would You Rather scenarios to our Twitter, which is at CBBWYR, Comedy Bang Bang Would You Rather. I go through them, I'll read them out loud, and then I'll open the floor for questions. You can ask me any question about either scenario. I have all the answers here. I'll let you know in order to help you narrow down your selection. We will then vote, and I'll tally up the points and assign a winner. And that is how it is done. And our first scenario comes to us from Joshua Archie.

Archiquette. Archiquette. Archiquette. So it's Joshua. Joshua. And then I and then Q-U-E-T-T-E. All right. Joshua Arquette. He's got a fascinating scenario here. This is going to, I think there's going to be a lot of questions about this. We play this on the set of G-Force all the time, would you rather? I love you on G-Force. Which of those gerbils did you play? Well, my brother played Speckles. Speckles.

Right. I just was hanging out with him while I was doing the VO record. Oh, you did the voices for all the gerbils? No, I just hung out with him while he was doing Spreckles. But then everyone else was there. When did the VO come into this? Because Nick Cage actually played the actual gerbil.

Who did the voice, though? That is the, I guess he told you it's cool to say it. Yeah, Nick Cage actually did some plastic surgery and he was an actual dreidel in that movie. Yeah, he's never changed back. Never. No, that's why you were in Season of the Witch. Yeah, he didn't want to come out of his trailer. Ghost Rider's head's on fire, of course. Yeah, I mean, these are the things that people don't tell you. Piper McKenzie Harris, real bitch.

All right, here we go. So Archiquette asks... That gerbil surgery cost Nick Cage $75 million. That's another reason that bankruptcy...

I had no problem asking him for the 25 mil. I was like, bro, you're going to turn yourself into a gerbil, you know, for a 75, you know, for however much that was. You know, you can certainly squeeze that out, you know, shit that out for me. I mean, you know, Sorcerer's Apprentice, I mean, that was like one quarter of his budget. Yeah, and you knew that he had only $100 million, so... I did, indeed. I was asking only for a fourth. All right, so... Our mother, Joy Fogle, sang Roy is just well. Archie Cat asks, would you rather...

Go to a movie or just hang out and maybe order a pizza? Well, depends on the movie. Okay, I'm opening the floor for questions. Here we go. This is a fascinating conundrum. Is the movie a Nick Cage movie? No, it is not. Okay, then that means I haven't seen it. So now I'm interested. Okay. Any other questions here? Is the movie in 3D? No, it is not. Okay. Any other questions? Is the movie currently in theaters? No, it is not.

Is it a sneak preview of a movie that's coming out in theaters? No, it is not. Can we ask questions regarding the pizza? Sure, yeah. Is it deep dish? No, it is not. Is it vegan? No, it is not. How many ingredients are on the pizza? I'm sorry, these are supposed to be yes or no questions. Oh, got it. Are there more than 17 ingredients on the pizza? No, there are not. Are there any actors acting on the pizza? Yes, there are. Oh. Holy shit. Oh. Wow.

So there are actors on the pizza acting and you can see a movie that is not in the theater. All right, all right. Now we've really gotten a ball game going on here. Any other questions? If you go out, will you live to come back home?

No, you will not. All right. So going out as a death is definitely death. That is definitely... All right. Well, well, well. Well, well, well. That's good. I made up... So it's would you rather do the pizza or the movie? Correct. I...

I'm gonna go... No, don't vote yet. Don't vote yet. Shit. There's still more questions. Where are you living? Your apartment? Oh, is the apartment a good area or bad? Your house, good area, bad area? Yes or no questions. You know how to play. Good area? I know you've never been on the show, but you should know how to play. Is the house in a good area? No, it is not. It's a bad area. Are there more than ten actors on the pizza? No.

Yes, there are. Are the actors on the pizza acting out Captain Corelli's Mandolin, one of my favorite movies of all time? Yes, of course. All right. I think I got a choice made. All right. Any other questions for either scenario?

If you leave the house, you'll die. If you stay in the house, you'll have a pizza where actors are acting out Captain Corelli's mandolin. I think you have to be out of your mind to make a choice. All right, I'm closing the floor for questions, and we're going to vote. Brody, let's go to you. How do you like to vote here? I would like to stay at home. Mm-hmm.

And see the movie? Is that what it is? Uh... Ow! Nick, you just smacked my tricep! Supposed to eat the pizza after you watch the performance of Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Alright, Nick, how do you like to vote? I am actually allergic to actors, so I would leave the house and fucking die. Okay, great. And, uh, Bob, how do you like to vote? You know my answer always is the same. I will kill myself. Okay, great!

Well, let me tell you of the points here. Looks like Bob Cage, you got 1,317 points. Whoa. Yeah. Nick, you got 1,317 points. And Brody, you got 1,317 points. So you're all co-champions. I like that. Yes. Team work. We did it. Co-champions, guys. And that is, of course, how you play Would You Rather. We did it, guys. Yeah.

Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you very much. Pizza and a movie. Textbook, How You Play Would You Rather. Netflix and French Bread Stauffers. French Bread Stauffers. Is this the guy from the Johnny Carson show?

Who, Johnny Carson? Doc Severinsen. Doc Severinsen, one of the best guys I ever met in my entire life. Where'd you meet him? Met Doc Severinsen at a Yoshinoya Beef Bowl place. Yum. We were both in line. You know, we like to get there early when the meat's the freshest.

La Cienega and Pico. That's the way to go. This is 4 a.m. is when they deliver the meat, right? The fresh meat. And I noticed him because he was wearing a very ornate kind of Joseph in the magic Technicolor Dreamcoat kind of outfit. Yeah. I said, I like your stuff, Doc. And he gave me the thumbs up. And that's all we needed to say. Yep. And then right back into the alley, right? That's right. Yep. Is Doc still with us? Of course. I believe he is. Doc Severson? Yeah. He'll always be alive.

That's really sweet, Bob. He will always be alive. I love your book. Thank you. Doc Severinsen, He Will Always Be Alive. I appreciate you calling it a book. It is more of the back panel of a cereal box that I ripped off and I wrote some loose ramblings on, but I'm glad I got out there kind of like a local zine. We all saw it. Thank God for Kinko's and that broken copier. I was able to make over 500 copies. Color copies? Yes.

We're not color. They're black and white, but I think it got out the message. I mean, Schindler's List did the same thing. It was quite effective. It was black and white. Yeah. Indeed it was. Indeed it was. Yeah. With a little red. Well, guys, we've come to the end of our show. There's only one thing left to do, and we know what that is. Of course, it's time for the What's Up Hot Dog Memorial Plugs.

And that is Plugs theme song by...

Otami. Otami. Otami. Otami. Something like that. If you have a Plugs theme song, we love hearing them. Send them in. You can go over to Earwolf.com and to the Comedy Bang Bang thread on the message board. And there's a thread devoted to where you can post your Plugs theme songs. And that was a good one. Nice, short, and sweet. I like it. Love it. Love that. Enjoy.

Let's go around the horn. Brody, what do you have to plug? Doing some shows and some movies? I have some shows. I am at the Laugh Factory here in Hollywood. I'll be doing, I believe, Comedy Bang Bang on Tuesday. This Tuesday you'll be there. I guess it's verbally confirmed.

I will be in Austin in November for the Fun Fun Fest with Public Enemy and Slayer. Oh, that's fantastic. Does Chuck D still perform with Public Enemy? I think Flavor Flav has taken over the lead. I think it's just Professor Grinch. The hype man has become the man. Oh, wow. So I got some good stuff happening and looking forward to tackling those adventures. Fantastic. Nick, what do you got? Oh.

I got a couple things. I've got a movie coming out. Oh, another one. Based on Montel Jordan's... It's like a biography on his life. Yeah, when he got that disease. It ends right before he gets the disease. It's called This Is How We Don't Do It. I saw it on a test screening. I love that you were transcendent. That is your vampire's kiss. I didn't want to spoil it for the audience, but that's your vampire's kiss. And then Paul...

Shearer and I, this actor from the league, are doing Gary Unmarried on Ice. Yeah. And it's actually a drama. Oh. The first time I've read about this, too, it's one of the best things. If you're a fan of Gary Unmarried, you know, the Jay Moore antics, the, you know. I'm Gary. I'm unmarried.

unmarried. Right. I mean, this is a guy who's hilarious, but what's more hilarious is to put him on ice and to really have him watch that ice melt and see if the play ends before they fall into the lake. I mean, this is really long day's journey into night with the cast of Gary and Mary, but not the actual cast. It's just going to be, you know, obviously Nick Swartz and Paul Scheer just really embodying these characters and bringing it to the local people because the show's not on the air anymore. Are you looking for the approval of Jay? Well,

Well, I mean, I'm not involved. I would be blessed to be involved in it, but if Jay were to give us our approval, or even the studio that made Gary a mayor. Or even Jay Leno. Or any Jay. I mean, even the I-strings that we'll be performing, and if anyone just let us do it, we'd be really psyched. Yeah.

I want to plug... Let's see. I have some great things to plug. First of all, Comedy Bang Bang shirts are now available. So go to the... We have t-shirts now over at the store. What do they look like? Two different styles. There's a short sleeve for $20 and a baseball tee for $27. Did somebody say baseball? Baseball. Baseball. So I'm very excited. These are the first Comedy Bang Bang t-shirts that are available. They are now available. Head on over to the Earwolf.com store to get those. Also, while you're there, you can pick up the...

You can pick up the downloads from our Bumbershoot shows with Paul F. Tompkins and Andy Daly on each of those if you haven't heard those yet. They get great reviews. I don't like to retweet kind reviews a lot, but constantly, every day, people are writing to tell me how great those shows are.

And also I'm on the Apple Sisters show. Apple Sisters. This week. It's out right now. So go on over. That is a really underrated podcast that we put out. It's really funny. And it was a lot of fun to be on that. So head on over to Earwolf.com to check out that. And Bob Cage, what do you have? I would like to plug one of my favorite movies of all time. It's one of my brother's movies. World Trade Center. Came out in 2006. Oliver Stone directed it.

I mean, it's about, you know... I love a lot of people don't know the story behind that movie. You want me to tell you what it is? Yeah. Two Port Authority police officers become trapped under the rubble of the World Trade Center. But a lot of people don't know what happened to the World Trade Center. Oh, yeah. No, it's definitely... It's the same way I felt about Pearl Harbor when I saw that movie. Did not realize that that was going on. And, you know, when I saw it, I was like, thank God, you know, this...

Finally someone tells us. Yeah, it's one of the tales of our time, and I think a lot of people didn't know about this. I went down to go visit the set, and it was great. We had a great time. So I want to plug that. I also want to plug that you guys are so great for letting me sell my own T-shirt on the Earwolf website. It's a T-shirt of my brother. It's called Ridiculous Cage, and you can get that in the Earwolf store. It's a picture of Nick Cage, and he's just squirming.

reaming. And, you know, and so that's always a great shirt to wear. My brother appreciates it. And, you know, we get over 97% of the profits on that. And that's really helpful because we've got to buy a couple more castles. Are you going to promote

Gone in 69 Seconds? Well, that is something that I would like to promote. It's not 100% greenlit, but yeah. Basically, we're taking the formula of Gone in 60 Seconds. Great formula. One of the best movie formulas. It's just car thieves who have to get it done in 60 seconds, but here's the twist. Not only are they getting it done, but they also get it on in the car only 69, so it's kind of like that movie Crash.

Not the one about racism, the one about fucking and cars. And it's kind of like a little mix and match. So it's about 69 and about stealing cars. You're going to have a good time. It's fun for the whole family, this one, too. I would say go out, make a night of it. Wine, dine, and...

Go see 69. 69. Wine Dine in 69. Can I steal that from you guys? I think that would be great. Take it. And, you know, I don't know if she listens to the podcast, but we'd really love that chick from the Bobcat Golf Waits show who had the puppet on it to be on the show. Yeah, she is so... I would love to see her in, like, Gary Unmarried on ice. You know what I mean? If we could pull some strings...

I'll definitely help out. I'll mention it to you, and I'll throw over Nick's email. You still got your Prodigy account, Nick? Yes, I do, man. I got that. All right. So I'll hit you up at nick.swarzen at prodigy.net, and that will be perfect. Dot net, dot net. Don't forget the two last dot nets. I chill in the Earthlink chat rooms. Earthlink. Yeah, you're always on there, and that's a great place just for community and stuff like that. Great people over there. Yeah, the great service. They got me through some tough times. Great people.

Great people. All right. We also watch Pretend Time on Comedy Central on Wednesdays and watch The League on FX on Thursdays. And that is it, guys. Thank you so much for being here. Peace. Peace. Enjoy it. Also, peace. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadioBoom.com. Oh, oh, oh.

The wolf dead. Hey everybody, it's Paul Scheer. And I'm Amy Nicholson from Unspooled, the show where we watch the greatest American films of all time according to the AFI. This whole month, we have been talking about the best films of 2018. The films that we think are likely to stand the test of time and even make it onto a future AFI list. But as for the present, this week we are getting ready for the Academy Awards with

two special episodes. That's right. On Thursday, we want to hear from you. What are your favorite films of 2018? We have a few of our celebrity friends calling in, which will be a lot of fun. People have actually even been nominated for Academy Awards. Yeah, we have important friends. And then check the feed on Monday after the Oscars for a bonus episode where we recap the ceremony and talk about the winners. So tune in to the 2018 movie celebration that has not just zero hosts, but two.

But two hosts. Yes. So listen and remember to subscribe to Unspooled on Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen. Heroes.