Paul F. Tompkins, Erin Whitehead, Ryan Gaul
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Thank you to You're In All Cakes for that catchphrase submission. Very apropos, You're In All Cakes, because it is... Wet Day! Once again! Third annual Wet Day! Can you believe it? Can you believe it's here? I can't believe it. It came so suddenly this year for me. My favorite time of year. I was so dry for so long, and then just suddenly today I woke up, I was wet. I start in October, I start sort of...

like, I don't know, like... Moistening things? Demoistening things? Mm-hmm. So that they can be... I can, like, moisten everything for wet day. Oh, God, you want to be as dry as possible before wet day. Yes, before... And then wet day eve, of course, is when it begins. Midnight. That's right. Wet day eve, midnight of wet day eve, it begins the... Or... Yeah, midnight on wet day eve. Right. That's when I will turn on the shower full blast. Full blast. I'll put all of the stuff I own in there. Ha, ha, ha.

And then I climbed on top of it. Everything. Absolutely everything. Just a gigantic mountain of things. Yeah, because then I can buy all new electronics. That's what's great. We love to shop. Yeah. America has a shopping addiction. We love to shop. Yeah. Well, you know, we hope you're celebrating Wet Day out there with us. We know you are, as a matter of fact. And I want to introduce my guest. He is here for the third annual Wet Day celebration. He is the co-creator of Wet Day as a holiday. Wow.

I mean, I don't know if he's the sole creator of it as anything else, but as a holiday, he's the co-creator of Wet Day. I think that's safe to say. Yeah. And please welcome back to the show, Paul F. Tompkins. Scott, it's great to see you again. So good to see you, Paul. Thank you for having me on the show. I'm the wettest I've ever been right now. Same.

I mean, I thought I couldn't top last year's wet day. I'm sopping wet. I am soaked to the bone. Yeah. I believe I have pneumonia. Yeah. I'm sick. We're going to die for this. I'm shivering. We're elderly men and we should not be doing this. No, I'm shivering. I'm starting to feel very warm. I just feel cozy and I just want to like rest.

Well, let's take it, by the way, it is also a wet day shares a day with Haley Joel Osmond's birthday. Yes. So we want to wish him a happy wet day and an even happier birthday. Happy birthday second. Yes, exactly. We want to, of course, oh, God, it's that pneumonia. Yes.

For any of you who don't know what we're talking about. And I can't imagine you don't. If you don't celebrate wet day in your own houses for some reason or another. If you're an ET who just got here to planet Earth and you need to know about our customs. And you're pretending to be a human, trying to acclimate yourself, trying to fit in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't because of your weird head and long neck and little stubby body. Well, guess what? This will help, knowing what wet day is. Yeah. Because eating Reese's Pieces isn't going to be enough. Uh-uh.

Here's what happened. Here's what happened. Here's what happens. What happens? Yeah. Like Gump happens. Also, you should watch our after show. Watch what happens live. Yes, please. We're going to be doing that live no matter when you listen to it. Yeah. And it's a show where we get drunk for some reason and we invite a bunch of weirdos. We celebrate alcoholism. We celebrate alcoholism. We have alcoholics on the show. Yep.

Former, prior, current. Current, yes. Yeah, whatever stage of alcoholism they're in. It's fun to get them before they're fully blown. Yep, in turn. What happened was approximately three years and three months or so ago. And months ago. Oh, I said the years. Why am I...

Paul and I were on the CBB Best Of episodes. I forget which year, but you can do the math yourself. And we talked about how did Wet Day come to be? Well, Wet Day came to be because we realized that

After April Fool's Day, most people have dried off from the pranks. Yeah. And they need to get wet again. The bucket, the door jam. The bucket. Yeah. And they need to get wet again. They need to get wet again. And so Wet Day was born on April 10th. They have enough time to get dry, that nine-day period. That's more than enough time. Sure, I hope so. For the types of April Fool's pranks that involve water...

Or any kind of liquid. Sure. No, I mean, hey, I want to look. Sure. We celebrate water on this show. Of course we do. Water is one of the best things to get wet with. Yes.

It's 99.5% of the planet. That's right. Our bodies are 99.5% water. That's right. If you touch anyone a little bit hard, they will just go sploosh and dissolve into a puddle of liquid. At the very least, your fingertip will come away damp. That's right. Depending on where you touch them as well. Hello. But we love water, but we don't want to discount the other liquids out there. No. Beer. Liquid soap.

Liquid paper. Sure. We'll take liquid paper. If you want to douse me in liquid paper today, I love it.

love it it's wet day do you think elmer's glue is not a liquid you're wrong that's right just pour crazy glue all over your friends gorilla glue shout out to harambe that's oh yes harambe r.i.p yeah um did the r in uh r.i.p stand for rambay yeah oh you're on board okay h.r.i.p uh

But no, enough about Harambe because today is wet day and I don't recall Harambe ever being wet. No, I don't think so. He's one of the driest ass monkeys I've ever seen. I mean, he entered the wet t-shirt contest shortly after. That's true. Yes. And he won. And by the way, wet t-shirt contest, perfect way to celebrate wet day. Perfect way to celebrate wet day. And you know what? Everybody wins. That's right. The viewers, one of the women. You know, the wet t-shirt contest. Yeah.

It's not. First of all, it's not about how wet your T-shirt can be. And that's what we like about them. It's about the jugs. That's right. And that I feel like, you know, wet T-shirt contests have been just so kind of, you know, commercialized. Commercialized. Yeah. And that is something, Paul, I wanted to talk to you about. Oh, please. Do you feel wet day is too commercial now?

Especially with all of the wet day merch that we've started. There's all this merch now, and it didn't used to be that way. And we're the ones who started it. It used to be about- We're the ones making the merch. Yes. It used to be about getting soaking wet. Yeah. Celebrating liquids of all kinds. Sure.

And now it's about T-shirts and swim trunks and towels. And the towels are like, that's something to get dry with. I don't know what. Kind of the opposite of wet day. Yeah. I mean, yes, it says these towels will get you as wet as you can possibly be or something to that effect on them. To me, that's like getting a crucifix on Christmas. That's right. Yeah.

It's like, hey, this is the thing we're going to kill this guy with. Yeah. Who's just born today. Well, the crucifix means he's on it. Right. Yes. Not a cross. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah. Crucifix, of course, the idolatry of the Catholic Church. Sure. Of course. Yes. This is not part of wet day culture. No, no, no, no. Jesus is not involved. No, no, no, no. This is a side topic. This is my culture, Catholicism. Oh, okay. Great. And what we do is we worship idols, graven images. Right. Even though the Bible says don't do that, but we think because it's Jesus Christ,

You got to be okay with that. That's true. Yeah. And of course, cannibals, because we consider the Eucharist to be the actual body of Christ. Right. You know what? I got to say, Paul, I don't like talking about Jesus because he is one of the driest Bible characters because he walked on water.

He wouldn't soak himself in it. That's true. But when he was pierced by the Roman soldier in the side, he spurted blood. Water came out. Oh, really? Oh, interesting. Yes. Well, you know, we've established before Jonah.

One of the wettest Bible characters of all time. Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord. This guy was in the ocean. Then he was in a whale. It's like, you know, you think it's dry. Is that a whale? No. With all the acids and bodily juices flowing. If you swallowed a fly, of course, perhaps you'll die. But that fly would be like a Jonah. And he wouldn't be like, oh, it's the Sahara in here. He'd be like, gross. It's wet as hell.

So I don't like talking about Jesus, but one thing I did want to mention is we had established Wet Day Eve as celebrated two months before. Yeah, of course. And what I've said comports with that. Oh, okay. Oh, okay. They fit together. Okay, wonderful. So January 10th is Wet Day Eve. Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao. And I have been wet as a judge. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Of course, the decorations. I have been wet as a doornail since then. The decorations. We string together popcorn and ice cubes. Yeah. We have a wet day tree. We get the wettest tree we can find. That's right. By the way.

It's just the wettest tree you can find. Any kind of tree. We're not saying that you have to be out there with sopping wet trees. Just the wettest one you can find. Yeah. But it has to be wet. Well, it has to be somewhat wet, but it's like if you live in a dry area where trees are only, you know. A draria. Yeah, just nominally wet, then get the wettest one you can find. Yeah. You put it inside your house and then open the window and bend it so that it leans inside. That's right. Do you put it inside your house and then bend it so it leans inside? No.

I don't know. I think you put it outside your house and you bend it. Outside the house. That's right. Bend it so it leans inside. Yes. Because who wants a tree in their house? Not me. Especially a wet one. Not me. Exactly. Even though we love wet day and everything it stands for, we still don't want a wet tree in the house. Jim Belushi, Grand Marshal of the Wet Day Parade.

There are three wet ghosts. Three years running. Three wet ghosts and wet bed sheets who visit us on wet day. That's right, it's disgusting. One is Ted Danson and the lady from Creepshow. And then Leslie Nielsen, also from Creepshow. That's right.

That's correct. Of course, what do we do on wet day? The Lady from the Creepshow. Her name lost to the mist of time. Probably Christine Forrest. But we don't know. We don't know. Forests get wet. Forests get very, very wet. Yeah, they're just standing out there. The rainforest? Ever heard of it? They are the cover for other things. That's right. Yeah, they're the things that let other things be dry. Yeah.

What do we do on a wet day? We take a longer shower than usual. 30 minutes exactly to the second, now we're saying. That's right. You have to use an atomic clock. That's right. You have a big wet meal, mainly soup. But you can squirt some mustard in your mouth. You can squirt some mustard in your mouth. You know what I mean? Sleep in a tub. A full tub, of course, full of water. Or whatever liquid you choose. Oh, that's right. Visit wet places. Mm-hmm.

Toss water balloons into local businesses. That's right. They love it. They love it. Take the ink out of a pen, fill it with water, and then put that ink into squirting flowers. Just sort of swap them. Just switch them. Yeah, just switch them. We sing wet day carols. We have wet ass pussy, of course, is a very big one. It's like the jingle bells of wet day.

It truly is. And it's a little kids know it. They love to sing it. They love it. Of course, we also have going to make you sweat by CNC Music Factory. That's right. Of course, Keith Sweat. Anything by him. Anything by him. Bringing in the sheaves. Even though it's about wheat, you can pronounce wheat as wet.

Wet day gifts. A wet car with a wet bow. Yep. Water bottled. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. So many things we can do on wet day. And I feel like it's now just spreading throughout the country. I know there are wet day celebrations out there. Oh, absolutely. There are wet day parties. More and more people are celebrating it. And it's very exciting to see it take off. You know, so...

It never really happens where a new holiday is created and people are, you know, because you always hear about this blank, blank day of this. You know, it's like National Pie Day or whatever. I hate blank, blank day of this. Yeah. Give it a rest. Give it a rest, blank, blanks. It's not going to happen. Yeah. Plus, it's just one day. Yeah. Do you think wet day should be a wet week? Here's what I think.

This is a holiday, an American holiday that I think we've also established is worldwide, right? I think so, but started in America. It's a global holiday. Much like jazz. Yeah. Global holiday that started in America, much like jazz. Of course you did. Yeah. Yeah. Remember when he loved jazz so much in this musical that he talked about it while jazz was playing? Right. Yeah. I do remember that. It was a musical. It was good. So I think it has the potential, and I think it's not just potential. I think it's on track. Mm-hmm.

to kind of replace Thanksgiving...

I think so. As the premier American holiday. I think so. And honestly, I don't think anyone's going to celebrate Thanksgiving anymore. We don't like it. It's... You know, here's what's dry. Turkey. Oh, God. If I have to eat another dry-ass turkey? Yeah. Oh, my Lord. And you know what else is dry? Your elderly parents and their skin. What if Weird Al did a parody of what I suppose they call dry-ass turkey? Dry-ass turkey? This is actually... Do you want to mail that to ourselves? Will he allow himself to say ass?

I think he said it once. He said it once? Maybe he was talking about a donkey, though, in his Shrek audition. I don't know. We'll find all this out. But I think instead of, like, look, honestly, Thanksgiving always ends up on a weird day, a Thursday. Oh, so weird. What day is so easy to remember? April 10th. So easy. Nine days after you're wet on April Fool's Day. It's the same day every year. And, like, Thursday...

having things on a Thursday, first of all, that's must-see TV night. Yeah. I mean, I gotta watch my shows that night. I gotta watch my stories. What's on must-see TV these days? Um...

What is on CTV these days? I think it's Urkel's Revenge. I think so, yeah. He finally gets revenge on all those people who thought he was a nerd. Urkel has a list of people. He just kills them one by one? Yeah, he kills them one by one. And he says, after each murder, of course, he says, did I do that? Yes, I did.

He waits for an answer from the dead body. Yeah. And then he goes, oh, that's right. You're dead. Yes, I did do that. Yeah. Yeah. I love that show. There was one where he forced the victim. I think it was Carl. He forced him to say, did you do that? So he could say, yes, I did. Yes, I did. And right then he like blows him away. Yes. And I love that episode. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the first minute of the first episode. I cried. Yeah. And then he just sits around for the next 29 minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And he thinks about Urkelbot. He's like, why did I do that? Yeah.

Why didn't I? I should be a millionaire. I made a fully functioning android. I'm a child. Urkel, not officially Wet Day Cannon. But his name is so close to Snorkel. I think we include him.

I think, you know, honestly, Jim Belushi, you haven't been repping Wet Day. But Belushi sounds like a splash, right? It sounds like somebody doing a cannonball. But he hasn't gotten himself involved all that much. No, he just shows the end of his cigar. Yeah. And how disgustingly he's stopping what it is.

Why aren't we replacing him with Urkel? Let's get Urkel in here. I think we should. I think we should. Belush, you're out. Urkel, in. Yeah. But Urkel, we need you to be out there doing some outreach for Wet Day year round. Not just on Wet Day Eve, which, as we've established, is January 10th. That's right. But out there year round. And, you know, I think no one likes Thanksgiving. No one. It's too close to Christmas. Yes.

Wet day's perfect. It's in April. Ain't shit going on in April. We can also get rid of April Fool's Day, which who cares? Now, of course, then the whole reason behind wet day won't exist anymore because it's when people have dried off. Well, but, you know, Christmas used to be a pagan holiday. You know what I mean? Like holidays can, can, can, can, can, can, can. That's also true.

But I think Thanksgiving, let's do this. Let's not celebrate Thanksgiving this year. Great. Let's make a pact. On board. And instead, we'll just kind of try to remind people about wet day on that day. Yes, try to. Yes. We don't have to succeed. Let's make our best effort.

Let's just kind of like show like one of those iPhone sort of montages that they create for us of us. Oh, yeah. Us very wet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we'll post those on Thanksgiving. Yeah. By the way, the music choice is always on point. Oh, so good. Yeah.

And there's never one very odd photograph that doesn't belong in them. Like a screenshot of a thing you were thinking about buying for the house. A lamp gets in there. Celebrating with friends. Wow. I mean, it's already off to a great start this wet day. Love it. Oh, my Lord. Love it. And, you know, I mean, what will wet day be in the future?

Oh my God, Scott. Well, first of all, it's going to be even greater because of the polar ice caps melting. Oh, that's right. There's going to be even more water. So wet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No more of that ice. See, this is the thing. Ice on wet day. If you order a drink at a bar.

You better order it neat because we don't want to see any frozen water in there. We want that water to be just straight out of the tap. If you have to have it on the rocks, please wait a half hour before you drink it. Thank you.

And you know what? Waterworld should be the Wet Day movie. Yes. The entire world is water. It should be where everyone goes on Wet Day to Universal Studios, the Waterworld attraction. That should be absolutely. And everyone, you know, the splash zone, the first three rows where everyone's like, oh, I don't want to sit there. No, everyone clamors to sit there. Yes. And you know what? For people who don't celebrate Wet Day, this is like Jewish people on Christmas. Instead of going to a Chinese restaurant,

You go see the Dune movies. Sure. Have those movies for all of your weird non-Wed Day traditions. If you insist on not observing this holiday, which is open to everyone. Yeah. Regardless of race, creed. You don't have to believe anything. I don't care about your creed. You know, we get it. Jewish people, they don't celebrate Christmas because they don't believe that Christ was actually the, you know, the dude. Yeah. No.

They think he never got born. They think he never got born? Yeah. Oh, interesting. They think he's still waiting to be born in heaven. Oh, okay. This is weird.

Anyway, we get it. Look, I'm no religious scholar. This is what I've gleaned. Okay. So we get it. You have beliefs which preclude you from celebrating wet day. We get it. We take anyone at wet day. You don't have to believe in anything. Like Scientology. Yeah. You can still practice your own religion and be a Scientologist. Exactly. So we... Scientologists celebrate wet day with us. We would take any Scientologist. If you're in the Sea Org, this is for you. The Sea Org is the...

The real Wednesday organization. You have signed up to be a member of this organization for a billion years. Why not have a holiday? Yeah, once a year, one billion times in a row. Sounds good to me. Celebrate Wednesday.

Oh, man. It's wonderful to be here. It's wonderful to be wet with you, Paul. It's wonderful to be wet with you, Scott. You're my wet day family. Wait, we don't have to celebrate wet day with our wet day families, though, right? We can celebrate wet day solo. You can celebrate wet day solo. God damn it. This is what's so beautiful about it. Yeah. You can celebrate wet day...

In any combination of people. That's right. And you don't need someone to get you wet. No. Get yourself wet. Yes. And if you have, you know, some physical... Wet yourself. Wet yourself. If you have some... Yeah, wet your pants. Wet your pants. It's right there. It's right there. Wet your pants today. It's the thing that takes the least amount of effort. Yeah. Just wake up, wet your pants. Let it happen. And get in the shower. So much of our lives is...

Trying not to wet our pants If you think about it This is the one day where you can just let it flow Oh my god how often in your life are you like I have to get to the bathroom I gotta get to the bathroom Come on come on No just let it go Let it happen Let it go Let it flow Let the urine fill up your pants I don't remember how the song goes No that was it

We should parody it, though, for wet day. Oh, that's true. Weird Al, would you please consider one day a year calling yourself Wet Al? Just on wet day. Just on wet day. Wet Al Yankovic. Yeah. He'd love it. Because I'm wet. I'm wet. You know it. Please, everyone, send this message to Al on all of his socials.

Please. He would love nothing more. He would love it. He would love to celebrate wet day with us. Yeah. Well, Paul, I know you have to go, but... No, I can stick around. You can stick around? Yeah. Oh, okay. I might be a little quieter than usual. Oh, okay. That would be great. Yeah, yeah. But if I have something to say, if I look up from my phone occasionally... Okay, so you're going to be here for the rest of the show on your phone. I'm going to be scrolling like hell. Almost silent. Yes. Okay, great. Yeah. Well, when we come back, we do have... We have a very great show today.

It's very great. We have an entrepreneur who gets- You're letting entrepreneurs back? Yeah, 2024, entrepreneurs are back. Wow. Yeah, I was kind of like, why am I, what is this rule that I have where I can't have entrepreneurs on the show? It was crazy. It makes me hope that Gene Simmons will one day realize- One of our greatest entrepreneurs. He can give free rides. Oh, okay. Yeah, he wouldn't mention other products or artists or whatever because no free rides. Right.

Yeah. Remember the Mr. Show movie when we wanted to not even use them in it, but just people dressed as them in a cameo and they asked for one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. I was not privy to that. Oh, that's right. I'm sorry.

We have to take a break. We have to. We have a wet entrepreneur. We also have, a little later, a barber who I would imagine slaps cologne on people on wet day. We got to talk about that blue liquid. That blue liquid. What is it? What is it? What is it? We have to talk about it. I don't know what that is. You don't know what? What is it? That's very scary to me. What is it? Stop it. You have to listen to the show more often. Oof.

I just found out you're a leading entrepreneur. You haven't listened to all of 2024. Where's little Gary?

I know. He's a very wet person, too. He is very wet, right? He's not food. Well, so many people thought he was food. They were popping him in their mouths. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he just, you know, got tangentially wet. He's covered in saliva. He's covered in it, so we should invite him. But he's not here. But we have a wet entrepreneur. We also have a barber. This is very exciting. Happy wet day to all. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Wet!

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Paul F. Tompkins is here and has his phone. What's up? Yeah, he's got his phone in his hands. He's just kind of reading. Got my phone in my hands. What are you scrolling through over there? What do you got? Terms of service. You actually read those? Cover to cover. Okay. All right. Well, Paul's going to be in the corner.

This entire episode. But we do need to get to our first wet, wet guest. And this is very exciting. He is an entrepreneur of sorts. It doesn't... I mean, I guess he doesn't really own a business. Like, at least a storefront, a brick and mortar. That's right. But he's self-employed. Yeah. We should say. That's right. And you're not selling things to people, goods and services. But I guess you are selling things once you retire.

retrieve them yeah i i guess it's like a retrieval service right but for yourself i find the thing and then i'll sell it to people if they're interested in buying it do you do and by the way i'll introduce you in a second okay are are you ever hired on a reward basis to find something that has happened a lot yeah oh okay so it's not you just finding treasure and then fencing it it's both it's both great look

You can hire me to find treasure, but when that's not happening, I'm still looking for treasure. Oh, yeah. All the time. All the time. Every day? Every damn day. All right. Well, let's introduce you. He is...

He is an underwater treasure hunter. Right. And I guess famously for people who haven't heard him on the show before, he was on the hunt for a certain... The core de la mer. A certain diamond, the core de la mer. The heart of the ocean. The heart of the ocean, of course. I guess most famously seen in the movie Titanic. Yeah. Which I know is a sore spot for you. I'm not ready to go back to Titanic.

You're not ready. No. Okay. Meaning the movie or would you go back to the actual underwater? Any day of the week, but the movie, no. Yeah, that's right. It's too painful to watch. They made a fool of me in that movie. They did.

They did. They did. I mean, we've talked about it on this show. She had that necklace the whole time. The whole damn time. And all she had to do was rip open her blouse. She threw it away. Just give it to me. Yeah. She threw it in the ocean. Why are you doing that? I was just there. You were like not even two feet away from it most of the time. You were like almost nose to diamond with it. I didn't get to smoke my cigar. Yeah.

How wet is the end of your cigar, by the way? It's pretty dry. I'm so sorry. Unless I find treasure. If I have a successful treasure hunt, then of course I light up my famous cigar. That's right. That is my little reward. What is more rewarding than a cigar? Do you actually like- What a treat. Do you like treasure or do you just like the cigar? Oh, come on, man. It's like when I would drink martinis and I would just like, I really want the olive. And then I realized I just like olives.

That's a weird... What's wrong with you? So I threw the vodka away, and then I just eat olives. Had you never seen olives in a store before? I hadn't. You thought it was the only way to procure olives was to order a martini? Come on now. You're being reductive here. I'm saying that I was like, oh, I... I'm being reductive. I like martinis, and then I realized I only enjoyed them for the olives. I don't think I'm being reductive. I think you're insane. Okay. Look...

I'm going to kick you off the show. Hey, man. I'm just going to talk to Paul. You can try it and then it's game over, man. What would happen if I tried hitting you? I'd hit you back.

That would be two hits? Me hitting you? Three hits. Okay. You hitting me. Me hitting you. Okay. Me hitting you again. Oh, no. Do either of us hit the floor at any event? Eventually, you will hit the floor. Okay. Just from two hits? I will keep on hitting you. Oh, really? So this is more than two hits. It's going to be ten hits. Ten hits. Me with one, you with nine. You hitting me. What's the ratio? Okay. Here's how it goes. You hitting me. Me hitting you. Me hitting you again.

Us trying to hit each other at the same time, but we hit fists. Okay, so that's two. You trying to hit me again. I duck. You hit the wall. Okay, so we're up to seven at this point. Me hitting you with an uppercut. Okay. You go up like two inches off the floor. Oh, okay. Okay, but I don't hit anything. So now we're at eight. No, then it's your feet hitting the floor. Okay. And then what? This is the 10th hit. This is the last one. Then it's you hitting the floor. Got it. Your whole body. A whole body. So other than feet. Okay.

The bottoms of the feet. Because I guess the bottoms of the feet would be... No, no, no. The bottoms of your feet will stay on the floor. Ouch! And your ankles will break. Oh, no! I don't want that to happen. No, you don't. I'm not going to hit you again. Yeah, that's right, man. Okay. Brock Lovett is on the show. Hello, Brock. Hi, everybody. Hi. It's me, Brock Lovett.

You're the wettest guest we could think of. I love this day, man. Yeah. It's one of my favorite. You know what? It's my favorite day. You haven't been on the show before to talk about it, but you, I mean, I've thought about you. I've been celebrating. I've thought about you every wet day. Boy, Brock must be like a pig in shit today. I've thought about, well, depending on what the shit is, sure. Pigs also like mud.

Yeah, they do. Yeah. Why don't we say a pig in mud? It's like a nicer way to say this expression. Do you think if a pig could understand English and then people said, you're happier than a pig in shit, the pig would be like, I beg your pardon? I like mud mainly. I'm just trying to cool off, dude. It's not like it's my favorite thing. It's like, this is how I reduce heat in my body. Exactly. Brock Lovett is here. Also, I'm very smart. Stop eating me. Didn't you read that Charlotte's Web book? I'm friendly too.

Turned a lot of people vegan, I believe. Charlotte's Web? Yeah. What? Yeah, because they like that pig. What's his name? Wilbur? Wilbur. Yeah, they like that pig so much. Yeah, they like him so much they read that as a child and they can't ever imagine eating another pig. Where are you getting this data? This is, look, I'm briefed on, I get the presidential briefings every morning. Also, you carry around that football. But it's just an actual football. It's an actual football, yeah. It's Nerf.

It's Nerf. It has a timer on it, though. Nerf is fun. Nerf is really fun. Great invention. And you know what's great at a pool party is to get the Nerf ball sopping, sopping wet. Love it. And throw it at someone. Oh, and you see the droplets coming off it. And then it hits someone in the face. It's heavier than normal. Absolutely. And you see an explosion of water. Absolutely. Oh, it breaks their nose. And they're not really hurt. Well, yeah, I guess. Yeah. Depending on the angle, yeah. Yeah, but it's great.

Remember when Marsha got hit in the football on Brady Bunch? I do, yeah. I'm old enough to remember that. I'm old enough to remember when Marsha got hit in the face with a football. What's the cutoff for people knowing about that, do you think? I think the last people are about to die.

Oh, come on. I think millennials know about it. Do you really? Yeah. They should turn it into a meme. It's a great meme. You know what would have been my face? What's that blood? Blood. Well, this is before you could show any blood on TV. You weren't allowed. Yeah. You know, famously, Lucy Ricardo was pregnant for the first time on TV, but they wouldn't allow her to have blood coming out during the during the birth. They wouldn't show her bloody. They did show the birth.

Yeah. But they did not show any blood. They had to wipe off all the blood. No fluids of any kind. Yeah, it just came out as a pristine, like, almost doll-like ceramic baby. They did show the placenta, but it was all rinsed off. Yeah.

Brock, it's great to see you. Happy wet day to you. Happy wet day, man. Thanks for having me. Many urkels to you, of course. Oh, many urkels to you. Yes. And what has been going on with you? Obviously, like for those of you who are not familiar with Brock's adventures. My CV. He goes under the sea every damn day and he looks for wet treasure. He will not touch dry treasure at all. No, I hate dry treasure. Treasure is better when it is wetter. Mm-hmm.

Don't you agree? Of course. Now, what about a buried treasure?

Buried where? On a desert island, maybe. If it's deep enough that the sand is like damp. Right. And then maybe something gets in there. I wouldn't say no. You wouldn't say no to that? Yeah. You wouldn't kick that out of bed for eating crackers? Also, if I'm digging a hole and the waves come in and it's just close enough where some water gets in there, that's great. That's fine by you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I always start digging there if I'm on land. Right. Yeah, yeah. That's a great place to dig. Yeah. It's a great place.

Oh man, it's a great place to do it. If you're ever on land, just dig as close to the water as you can. People like to dig in the sand. Like little kids, they got their dumb little pails and shovels and whatever, and they make sandcastles. I'll go to just where that line is. Yeah, the dark to light. The dark to light, and I'll start on the light just on the other side because I know when that tide is coming in, some water is going to get in there. Yeah, that's wonderful. I can't wait. Can't wait. How often are you on land, by the way?

Probably four days a year. Four days. I love that you come to us on these four days a year and you're on the show. Yeah. Why not? I dock at Marina Del Rey. Yeah.

And then I drive up here. Sure. It's fun to take a drive every once in a while. It's fun because then I get to rent a car. It's real fun. Do you get reverse seasick when you're on land? Do you get land sick? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Malditaire? Yeah. Yeah, that could be terrible. Yeah. I just feel so still. It's weird. You spend your life almost being rocked to sleep, you know, by the ocean. Rock me in the cradle of Abraham. You know what I mean? I do know what you mean. Rock my soul there. Yeah, of course. That's what you mean.

Well, it's great to see you. What's been going on? We haven't seen you in a few months. What has been going on with you down there in the depths? Have you picked up any interesting treasure? I would love to hear about this.

I've gotten some good treasure. Great. Like a bunch of doubloons, of course. Okay. Man, doubloons are all over the place. Can you cash those in at like the Coinstar? By now, yeah. Great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they're everywhere. Coinstar finally recognized that these things are around and they should count. Right. Yeah. So you can put them in the Coinstar. That's great. They made a bigger slot.

So you can get them in there. Because some of them are thick. Yeah, those are thick-ass blues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. I found a bunch of, like, rubies. Oh, good. Oh, wow. Some diamond chandeliers. Oh, wow. Yeah, I love... I mean, those would primarily be in the ballrooms of ships. Absolutely. But if those ships sank... Oh, boy. They're down there. Cha-ching! Dollar signs in my eyes. Wait, you have turkeys in your eyes. Get those out of there. Get the...

You know, when you're hungry and you see the turkey? No, something else turns into a turkey. You don't have turkeys in your eyes. Well, if the reflection is in your eyes. All right, that's a technicality. I'll allow it, but watch yourself, counselor. All right, I will do. Yeah, I found...

Uh, a lot of, you know what? There's a lot of skeletons down there. Yeah. Can you catch those in at all? Do you take any with you? If they have gold teeth? Yeah. Yeah. What about, you gotta bring in the whole skeleton. What if they're famous skeletons? Do you ever check like an ID bracelet on them or something? Like the elephant man bones I would imagine would be worth something. Yeah, but they're not underwater. Hmm. Famous people aren't, who's the most famous person to ever drown and we haven't recovered their bodies. Well, Dr. Skeleton.

That's true. Yeah, of the celebrity toilet. Of the celebrity toilet. Yeah, he drowned. Although I heard that he might have went to an island. Never mind. Anyway.

Most famous underwater skeleton, probably Aquaman, who was a real guy. Yeah. He was not a superhero. No, that's the thing. He was introduced in the, probably the 40s in the comics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he had a normal lifespan. He was dead by 1955. Absolutely. Yeah. And he's down there. But he, oh, he's down there all right. And I, as a skeleton, I would love to get a hold of. Yeah.

Um, but yeah, he was, he was just a guy who actually could communicate pretty well with fish in a rudimentary way. Using sign language though. Like using his hands as flippers almost. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, and. FSL. Yes, exactly. Um, and he looked nothing like Jason Momoa. No. Like Jason Momoa. He wished he would look like Jason Momoa. He was, he was real butterface. Aquaman was a true uggo.

True uggo. And you can tell by the shape of his skull. He was like an Ohio 2. Oof. No, thank you. So you found rubies. You found skeletons. You found doubloons. This is incredible. Anything else going on down there? Well, I had kind of a weird encounter. Oh, up above the... No, no, no. Where is this? Under the sea. This is under the sea? Yeah.

Really? Under the sea. Okay, what happened, if you don't mind me asking? This is weird, but I met somebody?

Oh, like a romantic partner? Well, it's hard to say, but I don't think so. I don't know. I have complicated feelings about it. Okay. Meaning you met someone you didn't... It's so interesting because the ocean is so vast. So vast, man! You don't expect to run into anyone down there. Here's like the weirdest thing I ever see is like those dumb fish that you can see through or they have a...

flashlight on their head or whatever. Right. You know what I mean? The little lantern fish or whatever they're called. Yeah. Oh, that's a good name for them. Yeah. Maybe we should call them that. I was calling them flashlight fish. Fleshlight fish? Come on, man. You know what I should have called them was book light fish. That's what they look like. Oh, yeah, they do. It would be interesting to see a fish in the shape of a fleshlight, wouldn't it though? Yeah. That'd be a fish you would become very rare, I would imagine. Why? Because they'd be, you know, so sought after.

You think that people, rather than using the fleshlight they can buy, they would prefer a fish that looks like a fleshlight. And is the appeal that it's alive? I don't know. Or that it's organic? Probably the organic part of it. Because a fleshlight, I would imagine, is synthetic material. Yeah. What's more romantic than the smell of a rotting fish?

That gets me in the mood. They get one a day. They don't have to run. One a day? Plus five minutes. They're really rare. I'm talking about the fish that are in the deep, deep ocean. Right. Yeah. Wonderful. So what happened to you down there? Wonderful. So I met a lady. I mean, she's hard to describe. Oh, okay. Can you try? Well, you know mermaids? Yeah, I've seen Splash once or twice in my life. Which is it?

Yeah, I thought so. I don't remember it. So no, I don't know mermaids. You don't remember she ate the lobster like with her hands? Right. Yeah. She cracked it open with her teeth or something. Yeah. Yeah. But I did. John Candy played a real creep for some reason. Always dropping pennies just so we can look up people's skirts. Oh boy.

I don't like that he did that. Why? It made me laugh when I was a kid. I know, but when I think about it now and he's gone, I'm like, they shouldn't have made John Candy do that. Yeah, I bet he wanted to do it. Remember Eugene Levy gets the Novocaine in his leg? Oh, that's right, and he can't walk. Oh, it's great. It's good. Kind of the precursor to all of me where...

Uh, Steve Martin has half of his body. Taken over. Yeah. By a spirit, a vengeful ghost. Exactly. Yeah. What a terrifying movie. Oh my God. A horror movie. If I've ever seen one. Um, but so mermaids are like the top half is a lady and the bottom half is a fish. Oh yeah. That's right. Yeah. So it's like a half and half. It's much like a half and half. Yeah. But this lady that I met top half lady kind of. Okay. Yeah.

Bottom half, kind of an octopus. Oh, wow. Okay. Interesting. And what, do you mind me asking what, I ask this about anyone in a story, what color was she? Was it, I mean, meaning, was it purple like an octopus? Oh, yeah. Pretty much purple like an octopus. But like also wearing a, like kind of a black dress that covered all of the. The naughty bits? It must have been bespoke.

It's got to be couture. Did she have any jewelry at all? Yeah, I think like a nice necklace. Yeah, it looks like maybe some sort of a gold. Yeah, like a medallion. Medallion. I mean, that's what caught my eye. I saw the glint of gold and I was like, it's time to punch in, Brock. Oh, you don't punch in until you actually see the... No, of course, I don't punch in. None of the clock. That's just a thing I say to myself to get myself psyched up. Right. So...

Interesting because I, this is- Gorgeous head of hair. Yeah. This is ringing some bells to me. Oh, really? Yeah. I think I've met this person. Okay. Let's say her name on the count of three. Okay. Is it three and then we say the name or- It's three and then we say the name. Yeah. Are we counting down from three or counting up to three? Let's count up. Count up from zero? Okay. No, zero. Okay. Zero. Negative one. Negative one. Okay. Here we go. Negative one. Zero. One. Two. One.

what's that oh you don't know what that is no of course you wouldn't let's start okay negative one zero one nose three ursula what that's right i've met this person before well do you she's actually she's in the car do you mind she's in the car yeah is she wet in there i hope so it's oh yeah the car is filled with water okay good

Did you drive into like a river or something like that and fill it up with water? No, I just filled up the hose. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, I mean, could she come in? I think that would be great. Yeah, hold on a second. Oh, okay. Hey, Ursula! Come on in! Well, well, well, you finally let me out of the car. Yeah, I did. I understand you've been here before. Oh, does that bother you? I don't know. I don't know how to feel about it.

I don't know why you're still hunting the heart of the ocean when you've got the octopusy of the sea right in front of you. Hi, Ursula. Oh, hello. Great to see you again. You remember being on the show? Absolutely. It was the highlight of my time on Earth. I'm back under the water now. Oh, I see. Which is not on Earth.

It's above the Earth. It's part of the globe, I suppose, but certainly not on land. Yeah, exactly. When I hear on Earth, I think on land. Yes, same. We bonded over that. It's one of the few things we had in common. It's true. So you, Ursula, of course, we all know you. It's so interesting. You're both...

Real people that movies have been based upon. Oh, thank you. You know, most people say that The Little Mermaid was based on The Little Mermaid. Right. And I disagree. I consider it to be a biopic about you. As the antagonist, I absolutely agree. Nothing would have happened without me there. Did you bond over that about having these depictions of you in movies? Yeah, like kind of being...

portrayed as an anti-hero? Yes. Yes. Not quite being seen the way we were. Exactly. All I was trying to do was find some treasure. You know, had I been in your movie, I could have sucked you under the sea, taken your voice and made you a mer-man. Then you could have gotten that necklace right away. Really? How would that have worked? Oh,

I take people's voices all the time. No, I understand that. No, I've seen that part of it. I take their voice out of their lungs. No, I know that part of it. How does he get the Cordula Bear from that? Just by being a mermaid. It's underwater, Scott. Keep up. Yeah, but I mean, the ocean is so huge. Well, because I would have been able to swim around. Immediately. You would have seen where it landed. I could probably swim pretty fast, right? As a merman? Very quickly. How quick? You know those videos where they show...

a bunch of animals racing each other. So, you know how fast they can go. And it's set to the same Katy Perry song. Cheetah is always quite fast. Cheetah is always quite fast, but they did a fish one, but there were no mermaids or mermen in there. So we don't know how fast these things are. Well, let me give you an idea. Sure. You know how fast a shark swim? Yeah. Real fast. Not quite that fast. So, so merm, mermen and mer ladies are,

mermaids, I guess, are unable to outrace sharks. Oh, mer-ladies. Hello, 1955. Sorry. Yeah, get modern, Scott. They're mermaids. But sharks can eat mer-people? Sharks can swim faster than a mer-person. Why did you jump right to that? You're talking about speed. If I were a mer-person, I would want to be the fastest thing under the ocean so I could outrace anything. But, you know, we don't have any... I say we. I'm not a mer-man yet.

Are you considering being a mermaid? I'm thinking about it. You know, speaking of eating mermaids, if you want to... Okay, Ursula, all right. Plant your poor, unfortunate soul patch in my salty garden. I wouldn't have a problem with that. Ursula, I got to ask, you seem to be wearing a dress, but it's connected to your tentacles. Are your tentacles part of the dress, or is it just... Hey, man, you ever heard of gloves? This guy...

Must be hard to get on. Well, how much of me do you want to see, Scott? I'll show you whatever you want to see. Really? But just know there's no un-seeing it once you... Is that a C part? S-E-A. Okay, got it.

So you guys, you met under the sea and you hit it off, I guess. How did you communicate down there? Because, Ursula, you can talk under the water, right? Scott, have you not seen my movie based on me? I have seen it, but I know you were talking to, what was her name, Ariel? Oh, you thought we were being dubbed, like in a Dutch Pippi Longstocking? Exactly, yes. No, no, we were really talking. Yeah, you were just saying glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, and then they...

And someone from the loop group came in. You know, they considered it doing that way. But we can speak both. We glug glug when there's no humans around. We speak English when they are. We're very transversal. Very transversal. I was in My Little Submersible. Right.

And I have a speaker on it, an external speaker. Oh, really? And I said, get in my little submersible. Is it the same technology that like those wireless speakers that you put in the shower that are waterproof? Exactly. Bluetooth connect. Is it hard to connect? Do you ever get down underneath your 20,000 leagues down there and you're like, ah, my Bluetooth won't connect. You don't go 20,000. Okay. Leagues is not a measurement of depth.

And you've got to blame Jules Verne for that. I apologize. I've only heard it in relation to his famous story, of course, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. It's a measurement of how far you go. Exactly. No. We merpeople use it as a ranking. Oh, really? What league are you in?

Oh, she's out of your league. Not a thing you two talk about on Earth, I suppose. Do you have the movie She's Out of My League down there? What? Starring Jay Baruchel. That must have been stolen from a mermaid's laptop. I think Jay Baruchel is a merman. Well, probably. Who probably did the little mermaid magic trick that you did with Ariel. Yes, absolutely. He got legs. And you know how to use them. Somebody else is taking people's voices and giving them legs. And I've never heard him sing.

I would love to hear him sing Jay Baruchel. Jay Baruchel. So you guys struck up a conversation or were Ursula, were you going to kill him or what? Absolutely. With my giant vagina. I was hoping to lure him into my cave. And again, by that, I mean my giant vagina. I see. Yeah.

But I wouldn't really kill you. I would just keep you there with the other little booger root vegetables I have growing there. The what? You know, all those sad little people whose voices I've taken. Oh, the poor unfortunate soul. Those people. Yeah. Yes. So those people are all still up in there. Oh, all of them. So you're sharing space up there, Brock, if you ever...

consummate this relationship or have you consummated the relationship? Hey man, look, I'm not hung up on body counts. You know what I mean? Like live your life. I'm not going to, what am I? Who am I? I'm not, I'm not a saint. I'm not like, how many, what is your body count? My body count? Yeah.

600? 600? What? This is why you're not judgmental. I got a girl in every port, you know what I mean? Pails in comparison to my body count. Oh, I'm sure. And let's not forget that when you're submersible...

clunked out underwater. Yeah. Used one of my electric eels for a jumpstart. It's true. Oh, really? I was trying to talk to her through the Bluetooth speaker and there's that thing where it keeps just going, battery low, please recharge. And I'm like, I'm...

you know it's like what happens in the shower like what do you want me to do about it now stop saying that we had a good laugh we did have a good laugh and so the electric eel gave it a jump yes flotsam did it jetsam's really not cooperating lately do they like being called that or is that i mean are they are do they have a name i know i know i don't love

clever names for pets anymore, but remember, I named them in the 90s. Oh, that's right. Too late. But it's like if you had two cats and you named them garbage and trash. I would never now, but in 1992, I would have. It was acceptable back then. Of course, yeah. I miss the 90s. Oh, you want to go back there to when these things are acceptable. I would love to go back to the 90s. The 90s were great. My little broccoli, we agree again. I didn't know you were going to call me that in front of everybody.

Oh, are you blushing, Broccoli? Yes, I am, Ursula. Are you? Oh, now we're using all our pet names, I see. I call her Ursula because she's full of coins. It's true. That's where that came from. So you guys struck up, I guess, a romance. And how did the interaction end? Not well. No. No. If I could do it over again, I would. Really? Yeah.

If you could turn back time. Let's turn back time. If I could find a way. Let's do it. What happened? We... Wait, you're all ready to let's do it? Let's turn back time? No, no, no. No, no, no. You can't just say la, la, la and we go backwards. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, it's not happening. La, la, la. La, la, la. No, no, no. Here we are. We're in my sea cave. Wow. So, I see you got your back packed.

Well, yeah, I gotta go sell my treasure. Oh, I see. Important things. Not like you have a treasure here. But, I mean, I gotta make a living. Oh, sure. Career over love. Look, don't cats in the cradle me, all right? Cats in the cradle you? Am I your father now? I mean, I'm using the... Look, it's nothing personal. I had a great time with you. I've heard this before. I do have a life of my own, you know? Oh.

This is us doing it again, or are we letting them know what happened? This is terrible. We love the Lord. I thought we were in the past. No, you guys are just reenacting this for us. We're watching this. I can't live through this again. Trauma on top of trauma. Now we're back in real time? Let's do it a different way. You've always been in real time. Look, honestly, I get the point. La la la. La la la. La la la. You didn't go anywhere. La la la. Oh, so you're back.

Nope. I'm staying. Thank God. That didn't happen. I know. Okay, look. What are the rules? The rules are is I understand that you guys had a falling out. But I'm here to say that it looks like you both really care about each other. And honestly, if you want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it. Oh. Wow. Company Bang Bang's paying for a second date. How much do you think that would be?

I'm going to say like we could go to Spain. To a public pool. Oh, we had different ideas. A public pool. How about a public pool in Spain? I don't know how much this network makes. They said they'd pay for it. It doesn't matter. Oh, we get to choose. Yeah. This is the thing is no one is really taking advantage of the fact that

I put out this blanket offer and you can really drain me dry with it. Let's go to space. Oh, man. On wet day to drain somebody dry? I know. Let's go to space. Let's go to space. Space? A space ocean. Would you have to take a bunch of water up there? You need water to survive, right? Surely there's another ocean up there. There's got to be. We can't be the only ocean and the only beings in the whole universe. Think about it. Space is infinite. Yeah.

I mean, they haven't. Have they found water on Mars? I don't know. They keep saying maybe they're gonna. I feel like they found ice up there. Isn't Mars for men? I don't want to go there. Isn't Mars what? They'd kick me right off. Maybe we should go to Venus. Yes, Venus. That's where we're from. There's got to be plenty of water on Venus, right? Gotta be. Why? Because it rhymes with penis and that's something wet? I guess. I don't know. But maybe it's so close to the sun that maybe it evaporates. I don't know. Oh, come on, man.

Pluto seems like it would have water. Yeah. Dribbling and then

and slobbering all over the place. No, I feel like we've tried to find other planets, you know, that we could survive on for a long time that have water, and that's the main need. Yeah, but you've never paid for it. So, why don't you give us a ship where we can explore the outer reaches of the universe? Yes, a bigger budget than NASA. I want more than diapers and dry ice cream, please. And this has got to be a waterproof ship because you have to take a bunch of water up there that you can... Look who had an offer and now is being picky.

Boy, oh boy, I guess we're not doing this. Fine, we'll go to the public pool. Okay, yeah, great. In Spain. All right, fine, in Spain. Yes, we'll have ham by the pool. The rain in Spain on wet day stays mainly in the plane. I hope you'll stay there. No, we're going to be on the plane for sure. I mean, do we have to go today if it's going to be on wet day? Yeah, you have to go on wet day. This is the perfect day to do it. I feel rushed.

See, I... Yeah, this did happen real fast. So fast. I'm guessing this is part of the problem. Now I'm not... Neither of you want to commit. You know I have a life, too. No, man. Hey, man. You both have commitment issues. This is on you. Oh, it's on me? You volunteer to pay for this, and then you... I gotta say it. Muddy the waters, and now we don't know what's going on? Muddy waters are fine on wet day, as long as it's wet. He's got me there. Yeah. Well...

Look, I'll think about it, okay? Things are complicated for me, too. I've got people to ruin. I know. Spells to cast. Are you in the middle of, like... Luring people to their deaths and so forth. Yes, yes. Are you in the middle of contracts right now where, like, you know, certain days are elapsing and you're gonna... Oh, yes. I need many mermaid signatures. I have things to do. Yeah. You guys, I really think that neither of you wants to settle down. Look, and that's fine. You enjoyed your time together. Backseaterv you are. Yeah.

I don't know why. What did you say? I sounded like Yoda. Are you Yoda, by the way? Because you're, I mean, you're purple, not green. Purple I am. Oh! What's going on? You have a case of the Yodas. I hate it when it happens with this. Oh, dear. Do you have Yoda sickness? Sometimes when I come to Earth, I get confused, I do. Dagobah, that would be a great planet for you guys to come to. Oh, man, it's so swampy.

For us, we could use In My Pussy. There's one cave you don't want to go into on Dagobah, but I think everywhere else is fine. That was like a Yoda fortune cookie. For us, I use In Bed.

Guys, we are running out of time for this segment, but can you stick around? We have another guest. We have a barber. Just don't make me wait in the car again. It was getting quite hot. And Ursula, your hair. Oh, is it bad? No, it's just a little longer than I've ever seen it. Oh, yes. Thank you. I've been growing it out. I think it looks good. Thank you. I mean, if you got a gorgeous head of hair, why not flaunt it? Why not flaunt it? It stays white no matter what I do. I've tried to dye it. Nothing sticks. Because it's wet.

And white. And magical. And you can mispronounce white as wet, and that's great for wet day. That's perfect for wet day. That's right. My wet, wet day. It's a nice day for a wet wedding. All right, that's another wet day, Carol, I think. That's right. We have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have this barber. This is very exciting. And Paul, you're still in here? Yeah, man.

Yeah, man. All right, great. And agree. Oh, okay. Wow. This is incredible. It only took you the length of a segment to read that. We're going to come right back. We're going to have more from Paul, more from Brock Lovett, more from Ursula, and a barber. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. What? What?

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Brock Lovett is here. Yeah. And Ursula also here from the Little Mermaid film and Brock, obviously, from Titanic, sort of. Oh, come on, man. I mean, you hate it. Yeah. But people would know you from that. I mean, that's one thing that makes you famous.

I don't like it. I mean, if they're this far in, you don't have to bring up Titanic again. I know it brings up, it's a sore point for you. Yeah, it sucked. Speaking of, do you think I should have saved any of those people? I was there. Hell no. I shoved the whole iceberg in front of the boat. Good for you. I mean, they were all rich assholes, right? Other than the people down below decks. Got to feel sorry for them. I don't differentiate. One was a nouveau riche asshole, Molly Brown. Mm-hmm.

The Unsinkable, of course. I liked her, though. Out of everyone in the movie, she's the one I really liked. She was brassy. Did you see her on the way down when she drowned to death? Yes, I said. She famously didn't drown to death. Oh, that's right. Then never mind. Must have seen someone else. Did you hear about the Unsinkable Molly Brown? She drowned to death. I mean, eventually she died. Yeah, but not. And we haven't talked about how.

Like, what, did she have a heart attack or something? Do we know she did? Okay, man. I don't know what this is. I could be right, is what I'm saying. You better look it up. How did... Don't look it up on YouTube. I don't want to hear an ad. She died... Let's see. Would that be in personal life? Later life and death. She... Brain tumor. Oh!

She had a brain tumor. Glad we got that on the record. But guess what? At the ceremony, there was singing, but no eulogy. Okay. Not sure why that was important to put in there. That is odd. Is there anything under controversy? Nope. She was never canceled, it looks like. Legacy. Legacy.

He's got plenty. Well, look, guys, we need to get to our next guest. And it's wet day, so we wanted to have someone on to really talk about those liquid substances, especially the liquid that the combs go into. Oh, man, I forgot about that. Yeah, the blue liquid. So many liquids to talk to him about. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Bernie Kutch. That's me. That's me. Hi. That's my name.

Don't wear it out. It's really nice to be here. Happy wet day. Happy wet day to you. Happy wet day. Many Urkels to you, of course. Many Urkels. Many Urkels. Many Urkels. I will miss Belushi. I was a Belushi guy. Well.

Were you really? I was a little bit of a Belushi guy. I gotta admit, I kind of was too, but he ain't out there repping wet day. Well, you know, there's always, maybe you'll be, well, we'll miss him. Yeah, we will. What a cool guy. Wonderful to have you. Oh, by the way, this is Ursula. Ursula, nice to meet you. You're a sea witch? I mean, we've never... Yes, it's not a bad word, Scott. I'm a sea witch. It's a profession. It sounds a lot like the C word, you know what I mean? Oh, cunt. A cunt.

Oh, my. I don't know if sea witch and cunt sound anything alike. I mean, well, anyway. But yes, she's a sea witch. Do you think that show, The C-Word, a lot of people wouldn't watch it because they thought that's what the word was? What's The C-Word? Was it not? It was about cancer. The show is cancer. Oh, I thought it was the L-word. But don't you think that's what they were going for?

Well, I think they were trying to have fun with our expectations. But I think that a lot of people were like, well, I'm not going to watch that show. Yeah, if they just say that over and over like you guys are right now. Sounds unpleasant. Yeah. Hey, it's great to meet you.

It's very nice to meet you. I am a barber. I am the owner of Bernie's Barbershop. Oh, congratulations. Out of Scottsdale. Have you always owned it or did you buy it out from someone? No, I started it by myself. 1968. 68? 68. So you've been in the profession so long, over 55 years. 55 years. And it is an old school, kind of traditional barbershop. You know, it's part of the reason I'm here is...

It's not what people are looking for. They want something fancy. And I don't, that's not, that's not really my game. Scott. And I, you know,

You know, I'm trying to get people back into the mode of just coming traditionally, having the services of a traditional barbershop and putting aside this super cuts or super clips. Super cuts is too modern for you. Too modern. I mean, you go in there, you're not even getting it. You know, there's a difference between a barber and a hairstylist or somebody. Sure. But elucidate for me, what exactly would you consider? Well, you have to go to a completely different. That sounds like a wet word. It does. Yeah. Yeah.

It definitely has a liquid U in there. Yeah. So that's all right by me. Elucidate. Cunt. Okay, no. Anyway, I guess I'm just... Do you say that word a lot when people walk into your store? Because I think that would be... Well, we're known as the cuntiest barbershop in Scottsdale. Really? Yeah. Sign me up.

You're signed. Can I ask, so the shop started in 1968, but were you the proprietor or was that like your dad or something? It was a family business. Okay. Because you don't seem that elderly, frankly. I was born in, I'm 55. Okay. I was born in 1968 in the barbershop.

And the barbershop that you started? I was born in the, well, I started it as Bernie's. The day I was born, my father gave it to me and my two uncles. So when I asked you whether you had inherited it or bought it out, you said you started it. I don't remember you asking me that, Scott. I don't remember you asking me that. But to be clear, you were born in the barbershop that your father owned. That's right. And he gave it to you. Well, he leased it. And that's why I was the first one to own it.

The story gets worse and worse. Imagine slipping out all nice and wet and landing in dry cuttings.

Good grief, what a way to start. Boy, oh boy. Especially on wet day. Were you born on a wet day? It's like being tarred and feathered. Born on wet, I mean, April 8th. Oh, that's not wet day. That's two days shy of wet day, unfortunately. Oh, well, that's nice. So you want to be really, really dry then. What day is dry day? I mean, dry day, honestly, it's almost every day. Every other day? Yeah. That's like when you ask your parents, when is kids day? And they're like, every day is kids day. Yeah.

Can I ask you something? Yeah. When you have your hair done, when you want it either cut or trimmed, what is the experience that you are looking for? Well, you know, just me personally, I like no talking. I've had some recently where I went into one place and had someone who really wanted to chat and...

Right. And it took two hours. And a person with hair like mine, it should be a 20-minute thing, I think. I agree. Well, it depends what services you're looking for. Oh, okay. We offer different services. What services do you have? We can do any of it. We'll do cuts or trims. We do blowouts, shaves, grease-outs, powders, massages, lubes, and creamies, touchers, bleachers, nailpolishers.

Nail clips. We do vein reduction with push. I don't want to be less vein. I'm not getting that. No, you wouldn't want that. This is a traditional barbershop. This is traditional. Vein reduction. Vein reduction with wet pushes. Scalp smokings, corner scrapes, under muds.

cold stretches, two or four minutes. Oh, you can choose. We, uh, mustache tails. That's where you just sit there cold for a stretch. Cold. We, we chill you and stretch you. Oh, mustache tails, uh, neck bunching, forehead milking. Uh, and we also have complimentary dig well and a toy closet. Uh,

Wow. We have a toy closet. That's a lot. I mean, is it filled with toys? Yeah, for while you're waiting. Little fun little toys and knickknacks. I have a toy closet like that as well. Oh, I know what you mean by that. I know you do. Filled with the souls of mermaids. You know, for just one of your voices, I could make you into a merman. Just putting it out on the table. How many voices do you have?

I have one point. Oh, okay. He only has the one. Yes, that's the point. No, I would not be able to do what I love, and that's take care of people's hair underwater. Are you kidding? Mermaids have so much hair. So much hair. How do you cut that underwater? That seems like it might be... Well, we don't have any barbers. I would think the scissors would rust and be unusable after a little while if it was down under the sea. Also, people don't know what to call scissors down there. That's true, yeah. What are those?

What you have to do is really is swim swiftly in front of a shark so that your hair gets in their mouth, but not your head. We lose a lot of mermaids this way. Yeah, well, you can't swim faster than a shark. It's very hard. I bet it's funny to see the shark going like, It's so funny. That sounded sarcastic.

It's just my voice. Let's not fight again. I'm not interested. And it's nothing to do with you or how much... I wish I had the courage to say that more often on this show. You should. I think it comes through. It's the one thing you should be able to do all the time. I'm not interested. I'm not interested. This is what... When you come into Bernie's...

It's a different experience. And I'm confused as to why people are choosing a sports clips. Well, sports clips is the best. Fantastic Sam. I hate when I'm getting my hair cut and there's no sports around me. Taking that half hour without sports, that is just... Sports clips guarantees there's going to be TV there with sports on it. Do you have a lot of TVs in the submersible? There's not a ton of surface room, but

Four? Four, and they're playing different channels? Yeah. Different sports things? With the volume on? Yeah. All of them. All of them. This is the life down there. I can watch a darts tournament over here. I can watch a spelling bee. You consider that to be sports? It's on ESPN. Oh, okay. If it's a competition, it's a sport. That's right. Right. The Bachelor ought to be on there. Yeah, it really is.

I understand you have your loyalty to sports clips, but I'd like to invite you into Bernie's sometime. Let me ask you this. You say you're an old-fashioned barbershop. Do you have sunbleached Playboys on a little table? Yep. We have a couple in the back room buried in a little plant. To simulate the experience of finding porn in the woods? That's right. The experience of what? Finding porn in the woods. Oh, great. We send people in the back and say, dig away.

I tell you what, I am going to check out this barbershop before I have to go back under the water. You should. You should come on in. A lot of people think Bernie's is just for males, and it's for anybody with hair. We're happy to... When you walk in, this is how it goes. You're immediately going to see me go, hey! Oh, no.

Hey, hi, welcome to Bernie's. That's friendly. A lot of places you go in, there's some snotty little teenager at the front desk who's like, do you have an appointment? We are walk-ins only. Walk-ins only, really? So I would imagine if I wanted to make an appointment in order to cut down the time I have to spend there, not able to. No, no phone. No phone? No phone. We have no phone. Wait, what if someone has a heart attack? Well...

I mean, you're kind of on your own. Well, I would want to make a phone call in the middle of a heart attack. Good point, Ursula. Thank you, Ursula. Okay, what were you going to ask, Brock? I was going to say, do you do that thing, do you have that thing, the massager, the old metal massager that vibrates and you, like, after the haircut, you, like, rub the guy's shoulders? I've always wondered about those. If you're the barber I went to one time, you go down on the chest? Yeah.

Very intimate. Oh, for sure. And you're sort of thinking to yourself, am I being violated right now? Absolutely. Is he going to go lower? How far down is this guy going to go? I have full on been accused of that myself. I get accused...

pretty constantly of doing what we know in the barber uh the barber industry as uh cut humping or it's like a dry hump to the side of the body and it's not controllable because i'm i'm cutting hair i can't control how close my body is to the person that i'm rubbing up against and i will and yeah can i can't control if it is arousing to them or mostly me and then by the end of the

Three of my arms are around you and I didn't even notice I had done it. All that talk of dry humping. Yeah, take these away. I don't get to dry hump in the water. By the way, we don't like to hear about dry humping on wet day. Just wet humping. I don't know. It's sort of bad. I sort of do like it. Dry humping is just an investment in a wet hump. It's just you keep your wetness to yourselves.

It's a down payment on a wet dump. It's a wish your hump made. It's two weds make it dry. It's putting it on layaway. Yeah. It's putting your hump on layaway. All right, I'll allow it then. Watch yourself, counselor. Thank you. Thank you. So, I mean, we do have that utensil. We have every utensil you can think of.

We have to clean it. And the barbicide is what you guys were referencing earlier. It sounds like homicide. Hair murder. Patricide. It sounds like you'd kill a barber with it, quite honestly. Like Sweeney Todd. Well, it is like that. It kills all the germs and all the utensils. That's why they call it that. Why is it called germicide? Yeah, because it's doing the work, not the barber. Because it's specific for barbers. Do you know why it's blue? Why? No.

I don't know. I was asking you. Maybe so you don't drink it by accident. That's true. But it makes it look like so appetizing. Yeah, like Gatorade. It makes me want to drink it. Well, it's flavored, too. It is. It is flavored? It's blueberry. They shouldn't flavor it? You can get it in any flavor you want. And it comes with a straw. So are you supposed to drink it? That you're supposed to throw away. Yes. Yes.

Are you supposed to drink it or not? And it comes with drinking instructions, which is supposed to burn very small at the bottom. It says not don't. Yeah. But then it's a very long, it says put in, put us four ounces in a mug. Step two.

Bring it up to your mouth. I'm doing this off memory, so I can't. No, I know. There are 20 steps from what I remember. Yeah, there are. Raise to your mouth. One. Step... Oh, that was... What step or what was three? Three. We're on three. Okay. We're on three. Hey, step four. Three. Use your tongue to moisten the...

top of the cup. Oh dear, my legs are around you again. Oh no. I don't know that we have time for the next 15 steps. You want me to cut to the last one? Yeah, the Radiohead special, 15 steps. 20. Drink it. Drink it. But then very small at the bottom. Don't.

Got it. Don't. It's not a great product. How often do you drink this? All the time. I forget, but don't. And I drink it pretty constantly. Yeah. Do you have some sort of intestinal issues? I have three colostomy bags. Wow. Yeah. That you use simultaneously? Well, I don't like to change it, so I just got three. Yeah, I get that. You do? Yeah.

You get that. Yeah. Most people don't. On my ship, I have four beds. I have five right now just for seepage. The cost me bags. I wish I had beds. Nothing soaks up seepage like a bed. That's true. What can we do to get people into your store? Well, I'm offering a coupon. A coupon? A coupon, which is like a coupon. Who can say what it means?

It's like a coupon. Okay. What are you offering? A two for one, but you have to have them done at the same time. And two what? Two heads? Impossible. No, two haircuts. Two professional barber style haircuts. Are these two half haircuts? No, it's a full haircut. Okay. It's a full haircut. That you share with someone else. No other people can be involved. It's one per person.

It's one coupon per person. So you got to get one haircut and then immediately get the second one? They can only be used in a row and immediately. Okay. So you get your hair down to where you want it.

And then you get another haircut, which is less than where you want it. Can you game the system? Can you say, I just want to trim? That's what I tell most people to do. Just barely touch it. Say half of what you want or three quarters of what you want. And then say for your second haircut, you say, I'll have just a little, I'll have a little trim this time. Now, can you take a selfie of the first cut before you move on to the second? Because really, that's all I need is the online. For your...

Ursula, what's wrong? What do you want to search for? She's drying out on wet day? So much sleeping. Wet me.

Who said that? Siri! Enough! It's wet day. We can't talk to you. This is a dingless podcast. What? It's not an interesting question. For wet day, Siri should change her name to Soggy. Soggy, yes. Hey, Soggy. I can't believe a human robot tried to help me. I'm so flattered.

My computer, by the way, squirted out water onto you. I didn't know it had the capability to do that. That's what you get when you're next to a witch. Magical thing. A sea witch. Thank you. Yeah, you're not one of those witches who's flying around on a broom. No, I'm not a Halloween witch. Their hair is terrible. I hate land witches. I hate them. Okay. All right. Bernie.

Yeah. So, obviously, you have this special going on. Yep. How long is this? Just this month? It's just on Tuesday mornings. Tuesday mornings. Tuesday mornings. 6 a.m. 6 a.m.? At 6 a.m. On the dot. On the dot. You have to be there on the dot. Can you come early? No. What time do you open? 8. But you sign up at 6 a.m. Okay. This is like an open mic? Yeah.

It is an open mic. You have to do comedy while you're here. Well, to get the, you have to do a tight five. Wouldn't it be the first person who signs up? That would be it? Yeah. And they have to do a tight five? How long does the haircuts take? I could do that, as you well know. Oh, that's right. You did comedy last time you were here. Oh, last time? So you don't want to hear any now? Sure, what do you got?

Listen, when humans say there's sand in my taco, they mean they're at the beach and some sand got in their lunch. Down here, there's sand in my tacos, painful and constant. Just as good as last time. Yeah, I would say so. Do you have another one?

Well, on land, I started a wave and a few people stood up at a baseball game. Down here, I started a wave and wiped out the population of a coastal city. Boy, those are two different experiences. Oh, it was better down there? Well, my joke was better and wetter. Oh, got it, got it. Jokes go better down where it's wetter. Just wait and see. Really, these kill underwater. Of course. I would imagine, yeah. Literally. Literally.

They can relate to them more than we can, I would imagine. I don't think I've ever started a wave at a baseball game or 100th Street. Oh, try it, Scott. They're both fun. Do you think one guy could start a wave? Absolutely. Didn't you see when Harry met Sally? I guess, but it feels to me like it's a group of 30. One guy always has to start a wave. One starts. No, I think they have an agreement. It's like 30 people all agree. You think 30 people talk together and start it? No. And they all go, hey, we're all going to do the wave, right? Just watch.

Do you think there's an email train? Oh, Ursula stood up and Oliver Aitman. See? This is unfair. You have eight legs doing this. That's right. Aitman started it, but then, you know, you saw Brock stood right up. Yeah. Couldn't help himself. I forgot that the wave was immortalized on film in When Harry Met Sally. I know. It was new then. Yeah. It needed to be in the movie.

So, Bernie, you got that thing going for you? Anything else? No, listen, I would love to have you all in. I know it's a hike. I know it's a hike. Why? You haven't even said where it is. Yeah, he did. It's in Arizona. Oh, it's in Arizona. Scottsdale. Landlocked. Scottsdale. What I mean is you didn't give the exact address. Oh, it's... Yeah, that's what he meant. Oh, I misunderstood. No, no, no, he's smart.

You can't say I'm dumb. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. Are you interested in coming for the type five coupon? I am going to be in Arizona this summer. Give me your best starter. Oh, for the type five? Yeah. Starter. That's what they call them in the biz? Yeah. Starter jokes. Starter. The old, the cord pull. Give me your best cord pull. Just ripping the cord saying like, hey, here I am. Get your best time to punch in.

Well, you know, I was born in the 70s. Do you mind if I cut your hair while you do this? Oh, geez. That's what I'm here for. Excuse me.

Okay, now you're, this is wet day and you are dry humping me right now. Sorry, give me just a couple minutes and go ahead with that joke. Wait, so the audition for the haircut happens during the haircut? Honestly, at the end of this audition, I'm just going to have a haircut and I probably won't need to come back. You'll see the haircut. You'll need to come back. Okay. I'm not that stupid.

So there's like a planned obsolescence in your haircut. Can you move your elbow? Yeah, I'm sorry. Just lift it up. Am I still supposed to be doing the jokes? Yeah, get that joke going. Okay, so I was born in the 1970s, but... That's it. What's it? No, I'm just talking to myself. During my set? No, no, no, no, no. That's rude. You keep going. You're going to wind up on a YouTube video saying,

TikTok. Yeah, me smashing a guitar over your head or something. Jesus, I wasn't going that far. There was that famous comedian who smashed a guy with a guitar. You can, if it's easy, you can do crowd work with me. I was just going to be like, barbershop customer destroys barber. Do a crowd work. Yeah, can I just do a crowd work? Do a crowd work with you. Hey, where are you from? Scottsdale. What do you do for a living? Excuse me? And...

Ow. Sorry. I'm a barber. I'm actually a barber. You're a barber? Oh, wow. Sorry. What's the most interesting customer you've ever cut their hair? Oh,

I actually cut Nicholas Cage, but not the one you're thinking of. Which I'm thinking of the movie star. Oh, that is him. Okay. That's the one. Yeah, he came in. He came in and you cut his hair? Really? Yeah, he was on his way to, he was auditioning for Superman. Right. That was a while ago. Yeah, he famously, this is in the 90s.

This was a while ago. And he was on his way to audition for it by way of Scottsdale, Arizona. So he was coming from New York, probably. He was putting himself on tape. Oh, okay. That makes sense. Yeah. Scottsdale has wonderful places to put yourself on tape. Is that true? Oh, yes. Why do you know that?

Oh, I watch a lot of behind the scenes. Oh, DVD extras? Absolutely. Yeah, those are fun. I have a joke. A starter joke. Oh, yeah. Let's hear some of your material. Pull the cord. All right, here. Let's try this. I know I'm a sea witch. Do you mind if I cut your hair while you do this? Oh, dear. The timing really is difficult. Yes, please cut. I know I'm a sea witch, but being in Arizona makes me feel more like a sandwich. That a girl. That's it.

Oh, attagirl. Oh, daddy. Was that a compliment to the joke or is that... I don't understand. Why are you saying attagirl? Imagine if audiences did that instead of laughing. Instead of laughing. Good for you. And you just, attagirl. Attagirl. Oh, okay. What if they laughed at male comedians and said attagirl to female comedians? Not surprising. Or if they didn't like the joke, if they said, I'm disappointed in you. You got to smile more.

Smile more when you tell that joke. Well, look, Bernie, I... You're going to agree to... I am not going to... Well, your hair is half cut right now. Yeah, can you do the other half? Not until you come in. I'll see you at 6 a.m. on Tuesday. But you have the coupon. Okay. Yeah, so I have to have this hair cut?

That's going to... For a full... I mean, today's Monday. Do you mean tomorrow? Yeah, tomorrow morning. Oh, okay. You can drive back with me. Scott, I think it looks grand.

Oh, really? I mean, it looks kind of like your hair. I'd like to take a handful of that, shove you in between my eight legs, and see what you find. Brock, she's cucking you. I'm into it. What? Brock, you're a cuck? Yes, we've talked about it. It's fine. Oh, why? You've never talked about this on any episode. Don't cuck shame me.

Well, Bernie, I don't know. This isn't going to work out. Who knows? That's a great point. Who knows? Give it a chance. That's true. Who knows? I don't know. But we are, I'll tell you what, we are running out of time. But we only have time for one final feature on the show. And that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Wet day is coming. The whores are getting fat.

Pour a glass of water on a motherfucker's head. If you have no water, a Roman Coke will do. But if you have no liquor, many hamburgers to you. It's wet day at the churches. It's wet day at the

with wet day feasts of soup cause it's the wettest food of all. It's wet day at the hardware store and wet day at the zoo. But my favorite place for wet day is where I'm wet with you. It's wet day in Moldova. It's wet day in Peru. And don't forget Haley Joel Osment. Oh,

Wow. That was terrific. Is that the O'Neaters? Yeah, it kind of sounds like them. That was, it's...

It's Wet Day, a Wet Day Carol by Dan Luizel. Thank you so much to Dan. Boy, that sounds like that should be in Greece or something. That was truly wonderful. Let's replace one of the terrible songs in Greece with that. That was really good. It really was. Oh, hey, Paul. Yeah. I heard that song and I ran over. That was terrific. Yeah. Have you met Brock? Who, Brock Lovett? Yeah. You've never been on the show together. The famous treasure hunter? Yeah, yeah. He's right here. Wait, you know who I am? Of course I do. You're famous. Not because of... Because of Titanic. Yes. Yes.

All right, man. Did I say something wrong? Yeah, he doesn't like... No, it's fine. Sorry. I'm really... I apologize. That's okay. I don't think it's okay. No, he has a thing about it. It's not your... I should have warned you. Hey, don't talk about me like I'm not here. I'm very sorry. Yeah. He's here. I mean, Brock, you're standing right here. Is this how you want me to talk? I'm leaving. No, stay here, Brock. I'm going to send in a friend of mine. Who? He's a tugboat captain.

His name is Ron Blackthorn. Ron Blackthorn? Ron, get in here. Oh, hello, you son of a whore. How dare you? Ron Blackthorn. I serve in his majesty's tugboatery. It's great to meet you, Scott Aukerman of Comedy Bang Bang. I wish I could say it was great to meet you, but I would rather strangle you to death. Please, if it's a binary choice, just I would prefer to meet you. Goodbye! Oh, okay.

Glad he didn't strangle me to death. Boy. That guy left. Yeah. That guy left. He left with Brock? Yeah. We're not going to get closure on Ursula. Oh, no. How are you getting home? I don't know. I guess magic. I'll give you a ride. All right. Oh, okay. All right. I hope we're talking about something other than getting home.

Is that a sea witch? Yeah, it's Ursula, the sea witch. Oh, hello. Big fat. Oh, thank you. How do you get Paul's stuff down there under the sea? Oh, it's when I come up to land. Oh, okay. Yeah, one of those days you're at the baseball game? I binged Pushing Daisy. Loved you on that. Oh, wow. You binged my one episode of Pushing Daisy? Over and over. I never saw another episode. I really appreciate that. Most people know me from podcasts.

Oh, no, I hate podcasts. No, really? It's TV without the looks. But I mean, you can just take them on the go with you.

Underwater? Yeah. No. Get one of those speakers. If there's a rod cast, you can get podcasts under the sea. Wait, wait. Now I think I know what you're talking about. I have little sardines that whisper stories in my ears. This is what I'm talking about. That's what I have. Yes. Yes. We call them sardine casts. Yes. This is, yeah, we're talking about the same thing. Oh, okay. Yeah. Idiot. Idiot Ursula. They were also invented by Adam Curry. Yeah, that's right.

Hey, we have a big announcement for plugs today. This is huge. What is it? Paul, you're part of this. Fuck. Yeah, that's right. I am here. I am here to announce the Comedy Bang Bang Tour 2024 is starting. Dates are available. I thought you were going to say starting now, and we had to scramble. Like the amazing race? Yeah.

Can I get a seat near the front of the plane, please?

No, we're announcing the dates today. The 2024 Bang Bang Into Your Mouth Tour. Ew. No. Sorry. Is that true? Yeah. Boy, oh boy. You don't think to tell me beforehand? We can't talk about it? Have one conversation about this? It's only the branding on the ticket. I like it. You like it? Well, you would. You're a little, you know, risky. Yeah, you're going to rock yourself. Boy, I was just...

I'm sorry. Really mean. Oh, did I? I thought we were insulting each other. Paul. Paul. No, I'm so sorry. You thought we were like at the table at the cellar. Look, let me treat you to two haircuts. I have a couffon. A couffon. Look at this couffou. Well, here's what's happening. We are going to be out there for...

Quite a while. We're doing 30 dates at least. Wow. We are starting June 13th in Boston, Massachusetts. Can you imagine going to a place like that? Car, yard. Yes, Harvard. All of those things.

We're starting in Boston, then we go to Brooklyn, Philly, D.C., Durham, Atlanta, St. Louis, Nashville, Tucson, Phoenix, San Diego, Salt Lake City, Denver, Austin, Dallas, Toronto, Royal Oak, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Madison, St. Paul, Sacramento, Oakland, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver,

going to all these places. Well, that's interesting, Scott. Oh, really? Because the Varietopia Tour is also happening. What? Yes! I'm going to be in

So Varietopia will be in Brooklyn, Waldemar, Maine, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, Boston, Massachusetts, Alexandria, Virginia, Philadelphia, Cleveland, St. Paul, Minnesota, Chicago, San Francisco and Charleston. Wow. South Carolina. South Carolina. Those are great places to go. Yes. Now, some of those places I'm going to be going to twice because of the two tours. Why not? But not at the same time. Not at the same time. No, we won't be doing the show simultaneously. No.

Uh, nor concurrently. These two tours, they're going to be sort of intersecting a little bit. Crisscross, as our friend Alfred Hitchcock likes to say. That's right. And our friends Crisscross, they used to talk about themselves in the third person a lot. Yeah.

But these are happening. The CBB tour starts in June, goes through the end of August or so. That's right. And when is the Vriotopia tour? It starts this month. It's already started. Already started? Yes. We just got back from Seattle. Wow. How was Seattle? It was terrific. The

the Space Needle? Did you run into that on the plane? Yes, Frasier was there. What? Yes. No. We sang Tossed Out and Scrambled Eggs together. Really? Yes. That's incredible. People hated it. I thought he moved back to Boston with his son. He did, but when he heard this show was happening, he was like, well, I have to go sing. Of course, I have to go back to that.

Well, these are two great tours, and we hope you catch both of them. If you want information regarding the Comedy Bang Bang tour, you can go to cbbworld.com slash tour.

And all the dates will be there. And I think the tickets might go on sale very soon. Maybe even as soon as Friday. They have to go on sale very soon. Yeah, I'm not quite sure. They may go on sale next week. They may go on sale Friday. Just keep checking cbbworld.com slash tour. And Paul, you're going to be on every day of the tour. Every day. Not the nights, though. So when the show happens, you won't see me. No.

You go to sleep at about 5 p.m. Oh, man, I get exhausted just from doing all the stuff that I do during the day. Traveling around with us, too. Traveling around. So, yeah, I will be on the tour for the daytime parts, which unfortunately do not include live performance. That's too bad. But I'll see you there. Sure.

So go to cbbworld.com slash tour and you can get all the information about that. And we're going to cities that we have never been to. We're going to some cities we scheduled during COVID that we never got to. I'm trying to make up all those dates. So this is the most extensive tour that we've ever done.

And I'm very excited about it. I am too. You can also go to paulftompkins.com slash live for the Varietopia dates and the Comedy Bang Bang dates. Hell yeah. Plan your life around me. Yeah, please. Has there been anyone to go to see us in multiple cities? There was that one guy two years ago who came to see us in multiple cities and came to the meet and greet. I think like eight shows. Yeah, that was great. We'd love to see you out there. I can't

remember your name but we either i wish i could remember i wish i could remember but we hope to see all of you out there we're gonna have a lot of fun on this one it's gonna be paul and i and the bang bang all-stars we're gonna have a great time uh so uh fantastic if i were you i'd do it i would do it yeah i'd do the opposite of what george hw bush did which is not gonna do it yeah i would go out and do it i would i would god i got out um ursula do you have anything you want to plug

Well, you can watch my Twitter. Watch it? I'll be touring from the chair in my apartment, staring pensively from the window, perhaps leaning against the kitchen counter. What is this x.com address? At girl with a tail, conveniently. You can also listen to College Town on

Comedy Bang Bang World. That's right. When you're over there looking at the tour dates, why don't you sign up and you can get great shows like The Neighborhood Listen and College Town and Hey Randy and Scott Hasn't Seen. So many. This Could Change My Life and Who Me with the Batman and so many great shows over there. Bernie Kutch. It's me, the Kutch man. I felt like I was walking into your store there. Hi. Hi.

Uh, no, uh, come, I'm doing a bunch of shows over at the ground link. So please come on over there. You are Bernie. I am. I am doing them. Uh, you're a barber and a ground link. I'm not a grounding, but I sneak in. I, I trade them coupons and they, they throw me up on that stage. Give me a couple of wigs and I go nutty.

What nights can people see you? Thursday, Friday, Saturday is kind of rotating. So check it out on the website. They'll always let you know who the cast is. They'll always let you know. They'll always. They have to. They never hide it from you. Union rule. They're legally obligated by the president himself. That's true.

That's true. And follow me. Everybody. Gotta make sure to tell who the crownlings are. You can tell people who the crownlings are. That's actually pretty good. That's pretty good. You can incorporate that into your act. Just steal his impression. Please, please, please follow me on Instagram at Rygall. What does that have to do with you, Bernie? G-A-U-L. Again, it's a client of mine. Is that the best way to contact this client? Yeah.

Yeah, since I don't have a phone number, I purposely didn't have a phone number at Bernie's Barbershop. If you're a barber, I think instead of clients, you should go real old school and call them patients. Yeah, and put leeches on them. Yeah. Technically, they are, aren't they? Drain their bodily humors. Yeah, especially on wet days. Their foul humors. They're my patients. They are my patients. They're all my patients. Well, that's going to do it for plugs. Let's close up the old plug bag.

What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it?

So dirty. All right. There's the aforementioned. What is it? Yeah. That was the name of this plug is talking heads by Jello Pez. Thanks, Jello Pez. If you have a plugs theme, head over to CBB world dot com slash plugs and upload it there and you can be heard on the show. And guys, I want to thank you so much. Paul,

What can be said, but many Urkels to you. Many Urkels to you. The happiest of wet day. I wish you the same and I'll see you in December. Yeah. Yeah, I'll see you then and not until then. Nope. I mean, we'll be on the tour, but during the day. I'm not going to sleep. I'm not going to look at you. I'm sleeping also when we're traveling. That's right.

And Ursula, I'm so sorry that we couldn't get a match together with you and Brock. Well, it looks like I've got new prospects. Oh, okay. Bernie, we're not going to pay for a first date. We always pay for the second. But we need you to go on the first date. But you're driving her home? Is that what's happening? I'm going to drive her home.

In my car. Yes. How wet is your car? Your car goes under the ocean. Car is very wet. How wet? Like, what are we talking? On a scale of what? On a scale of like the Sahara to, you know, the Atlantic. It's probably Philly. Philly?

Philadelphia is pretty humid. It's very humid. Is it filled with barbicide? That's what it is actually. You know how the Wienermobile looks? Yeah. It's a jar of barbicide. Mine is just a giant barb. On its side? It has two bikes. It has combs in it? Like giant floating combs? What do you mean it has two bikes? That's how it moves. So it's not really a car.

It's just a giant jar of barbicide on top of two bikes. It sounds like a very heavy bicycle. Will I be pedaling inside this hot dog cart? Yes, you'll be pedaling. Oh, is it like those bar bike things where it's like a barcicle? Yeah, a barcicle. You know, Ursula has a barbicide-cycle. Barbicide-cycle.

Ursula has eight legs, so she's a wonderful addition. Yes, I won't get tired. Yeah. This is fantastic. Just keep switching off. The more legs you have, the less tired you get. That's what I always say. God, add one more leg. I hate getting tired. God, add one more leg. Before next wet day, please. Are you there, God? It's me, a guy who wants a third leg. It's me, two-legged Margaret.

All right. We'll see you next wet day next year. Bye. Some things are college freshman essentials like shower sandals because otherwise, yuck. And of course, a Brita pitcher. Your team could save over $240 a year by switching to Brita from bottled water.

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