Nikki Glaser, Paul Scheer, Hannah Pilkes
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I'm getting freaky at the weekend. You got nipples? I can tweak them. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to catchphrase superstar side of McG for that catchphrase submission. Maybe you got nipples, Greg. I can tweak them. I don't know. I'm not sure. Look, hey, I would punch this up, but side of McG, I read it. So unfortunately, I don't think it's going to stick. If you had just added that, Greg, I think that would be the personal catchphrase. Permanent. Permanent is the word I was looking for. Not personal. Permanent pan pizza.

Doesn't sound right. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. This is very exciting. We have a great show coming up a little later. Oh, I haven't even discussed that, but we do have a wonderful person here to talk to right away. She's our old friend. She's been on the show so many times and she is a comedian extraordinaire.

And you recently saw her on the roast of Tom Brady. Is it the celebrity roast of Tom Brady? The regular roast? Yeah, the roast of Tom Brady. The roast of Tom Brady. Now, this was a, well, we'll get into it. I'll introduce you in a second. This was a Comedy Central thing, and now they just swiped it. What happened? They stole it. Comedy Central just didn't do another one. I don't know what happened.

It was before COVID. The last one I did was five years ago. So yeah, I think they just decided to do it live, which we all thought was a mistake. And it ended up being something that actually people did tune in for. Yeah. Like it was an event. And I'll introduce you in a second, but it seemed like it's what they do with SNL. My theory is SNL would have lasted one season if it wasn't live because there's nothing special about it other than that.

So these roasts, I think it's exciting to actually watch them in person and see the flubs and the snubs. Yeah, well, the good thing about it is that I'm being crowned as like... They rank you immediately. You walk off stage and it's like...

that always happens after live shows like everyone is like oh everyone on social media I thought this was Jeff Ross maybe like literally backstage like the stage managers and stuff like I thought you were the best like you know like that's the nature of people when they see a bunch of comedians up together they have to say who is best that's why after comedy shows that I'm on like a showcase set if I go to the bathroom like

in the house, the bathrooms in the house, not backstage, I just go, I cover my ears and go, because I don't want to hear anyone rank us because that's what you do on the way out of a show. It's not a competitive art form necessarily. No, but this is. This made it that. It isn't generally because when they're taped, I've had killer sets of these roasts before and I've felt like the night of, well, I had one of the best sets. But then after...

after the edit it all shakes out everyone looks good everyone because they're they're trying to make it consistent and so yeah the great thing about this is people bombed and so you look great compared to them i thought it was going to be so bad because it was live and i was like if i bomb or if something doesn't go well if i stumble it's gonna but but yeah because it was live it was clear who did the winners were and i'll introduce you in a second but uh

it also must've been so strange doing it in the forum, the Kia forum, by the way, uh, because it's such a giant, I mean, that's bigger than any room I've ever performed in. That was the most people I've ever performed in front of. Cause it seats what? 15,000 people? Yeah. It was like a third of it was on. So it was about 10,000. 10,000. Yeah. I mean, yeah, it was wild. It was, you haven't done those shows down in Rio for like, you know, 150,000 people. Someday. Um,

But, you know, I opened for like Bert Kreischer. That was like the, in like a small baseball stadium once. And that was, and I did a pre-Natasha thing. I took off my shirt, but I left my bra on. But I had the same instinct as she did, which is like, why does he get to do this? And why can't we? Or maybe neither of you should.

I know it was freeing, man. There was a really I did not expect to feel the way I felt after I took off my shirt because it was like I was wearing a bra that I wasn't proud of. Like it wasn't like a good I didn't prepare. You're just never allowed to. Yeah. And so like, guys, we all take it for granted of just like, well, I could take a look.

I'm never going to do it. Yeah. But in public, I could take off my shirt if I wanted to. You're literally just not allowed to by the police. Yes. And it feels, you know, swimsuits, though, are the biggest ruse for just getting women naked. Like whoever sold bikinis, it's underwear. That's acceptable. A swimming costume used to be something that would cover you up. Yeah. And it was like, oh, you can get water on it and that's fine, but it's like a dress. Yes. But...

For some reason, if you throw some lace on a bikini, it is indecent and it's lingerie and that's your underwear. It's just so... It's bizarre. But yeah, I found that... After I did that performance, I was like...

I was like, I see why he does this. There's something about it that's like, I'm naked up here. Like, I'm exposing myself. And it was, I was like, oh, there's something to this. And then I did a naked photo shoot for PETA like a month or two ago. And I thought that was going to be torturous because I really don't like looking at myself. I don't like photo shoots. I hate like having to look hot. Like, even though it's something that I do try to do. It's a responsibility celebrities like you and I have when we wake up. You get it.

You know, it's like... The eyelashes. The extensions. Yes, exactly. Everything that we put on every day. I do it just to look like this, which is like... Yeah. Because, you know, I have zero facial hair or body hair anywhere. You... Yeah, you have to try so hard. And then it's... There's a sadness to it when you, like, have a whole team and all the money and all the things that can make you as beautiful as possible. And it's still not good enough. Because I think...

When you look in the mirror and you're like, is there something else? And they're like, we've exhausted our resource. We're out of options. This is it. This is all we can do outside of surgery. And I think there is something nice about not having that level of success where you're getting those, you have that team with you where you can, if you're a girl just doing your makeup,

on your own at home, you can go, I'm leaving some stuff on the table. Like I could go up a couple more notches, but I've been to, I've gone the highest I could go and it's still not good enough. And then you're focused on your face so much. But when I did this naked photo shoot, which I thought was going to be, I thought I was going to,

need to call in, you know, a lot, all my therapists for like, for help afterwards. But I was really like, no one's looking at my face. Like my face is usually my problem. And I was like, oh, when you're naked, I could be blinking and like one lazy eye. No one's paying attention to your face when you're naked. And my body, I'm just like, I haven't seen it naked ever. So I have nothing to base it off of. It's like, that's as good as, like, I've seen myself and I look better in a dress. I look better. My legs look better in this way. It was just like, well, this is just what it is. It felt freeing. What I'm getting, and I'll introduce you in a second, is that

You would rather have like a bag over your head and be naked from the neck down when you go out in public. Yeah, I really would. The face is what it's killing me, man. Like that. We all deal with it. Our skin starts slipping off of our skulls. We're all just naturally melting and gravity does its toll to our skin where it just like droops and droops and droops. And to your knees. My knees look like, you know,

Mount Rushmore. Like, my knees are starting to see... Teddy Roosevelt? I'm seeing present faces in my knees as they change. And yeah, everything, it's just... And part of it, we're getting older and you're supposedly turning 40 this year. Yeah, in a couple weeks. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Is that a true 40? Supposedly. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no, I'm...

Take me up to 41. I don't give a shit. I like people to think I'm older so that I look better for my age. I've never been told. No one's ever been like, you look young for your age to me ever in my life. Another thing I've realized that I hear other people get all the time that I've never gotten is you smell good. Really? Like no one's ever hugged me and been like, you smell great. And I hear people get that all the time. So I know something's going on. Interesting. Yeah. You never pick up on compliments other people get and go, I'm not getting that one. Yeah.

Well, it's and people have assured me it's not that I stink. It's just that I guess odor. You're neutral because you forced a hug upon me when we saw each other. Yeah. Oh, and probably not great. It was a good hug. I just never wanted to take it. You know how women are forced to hug everyone they meet and then guys can shake hands. That's nice of you to like be aware of that. Yeah. I want I want to. But I have affection for you. So it's not like I have affection for you. I have an infection. Okay.

Because I hugged you. Oh, no. Yeah, but I have... I do have raging chlamydia right now, which is... It's aerosol. Yeah, good. Well, I...

yeah i when i saw you i haven't seen you in a while so a hug seemed to be uh on the table i feel like and i'll introduce you in a second but i feel like the last time that you did the show it was over zoom during covid yeah so we haven't seen each other in years at this so long and you have always been so kind to me even early on when no one gave a fuck you were like always the one um who made me feel really funny and like you like you know it just takes like one person going like you've got something and you got the goods kid you've got spunk kid you know like that that little

My spunk is also aerosol at this point, by the way. Yeah, I guess people have told me I smell. But yeah, that was what you gave to me early on when I really needed it. That's nice. Well, I was a big fan of you because I believe I first saw you on... And I'll introduce you in just one second. But I believe I saw you first on Last Comic Standing and was a fan of you. And then you started coming around the show that I was producing and I would give you spots. You would. And it was just so...

to be, yeah, to have your approval meant a lot. And that's all it takes. Thank you very much. Lady Gaga said that once, I think, a thousand times. Really? I wonder who this person was. If there's a room of a hundred people and one of them believes in you, like she changed it a couple times, but you were that one person for me. Thank you. I mean, you're not a comedian known for your impressions, I think. I don't think I've ever even heard you attempt one, but that one's perfect. Yeah, you just have to do like lazy and cool.

is how I do it. And vape a lot this week. I was talking to a friend about this. What's the commercial she's doing? She's doing it for like some sort of... Migraines? Migraines, yeah. It's migraine medication. That's like cool to do a migraine commercial now. It's very cool to do it, but the funny thing is is she's dressed in the most outrageous outfit I've ever seen where like

I'm sure the company is thrilled. Lady Gaga has agreed to do this commercial. Yeah. She arrives on set. They're like, can we tell her to change her outfit? It's like, you can't, it was designed by a house, you know, like there was a team behind that. Yeah. But, but that is, I thought you meant a smart house. Yeah, probably that too. Um, but yeah, I, uh,

Yeah, you were. That's a good impression, though. Yeah. Oh, well, thank you very much. Well, I've always thought that you were an interesting comedian in the sense of and I'll introduce you in just one second. But an interesting comedian in the sense of you started off you start off really young. And I think we got to know you in a nascent stage of your career.

And so you were just kind of doing shows like mine and you were like in the alternative comedy space. Yeah, I was obsessed with it. And then you've also then taken that into interesting places like doing Dancing with the Stars and doing your reality shows and stuff like that. Yeah, I just... At some point, I kind of... I think Dancing with the Stars was where I lost...

any sense of humility like being voted off first and like actually really caring about it not being like i'm just doing this as a joke but like actually being invested and then yeah having that be so embarrassing your ass on that it was really really hard it was the hardest one of the hardest things i've ever done in my life was you work for a whole month and a half leading up to that first show and then you get voted off right away and they don't call you or talk to you they just claw machine you out of this world where you've

Quit everything else in your life to fit in all the dancing you have to do every day. You have nothing. You can't do anything else. It's the only time I've ever focused on just one thing in my whole career. And then not even podcasts. Sometimes it feels like it. But I was I remember just being dumped out of it and feeling like,

what like I remember talking to my friends like I have to dance again like and they're like no you don't like you never have to dance again you still don't know how to judge Michael yeah you know exactly you never do and um but it was really um after that it was so embarrassing to like really try and feel like I was like pretty and this little leotard and care and then to be voted off it felt um yeah it was like after that I go I can kind of handle any kind of humiliation because of

At first I learned no one really cares. Like I thought it was, you get embarrassed because you think everyone's going to care. No one cares. And so I just started saying yes to things that seemed fun or challenging after that. That's what I like about you is it seems to me like you're saying yes to all of these things that normal alternative comedy people would not do, which then...

to you being on these crazy like MTV shows and your reality show and stuff like that. So, and I've always really appreciated that about you because not because it makes it seem like you have no taste, but because I sometimes don't. I mean, I have what I have and that's like, if I'm drawn to it and it seems like it's going to be fun, then,

I really, yeah, I've been on that track for a while of having the luxury of being like, if it's not fun, I don't want to do it. And if it's fun, I don't care who's going to see it or how embarrassing this looks. And because no one sees anything. Yeah. The deadline announcement.

And that's it. Yeah. And we're all jealous about the deadline announcement. Yeah. And then you forget about it the next day. And then the trailer comes out and maybe some people watch it. Then the actual thing comes out and no one watches it. It really is the deadline announcement. I've gotten more texts from people about things that never go because it was just a speculation of a deadline announcement than...

than things that actually air and are critically acclaimed. And then I feel like most of the stuff I've done has had to be kept such secret that I never get the deadline announcement. Such bullshit. Yeah. You want that deadline announcement. Yeah, that's... With Nikki Fink. Just make fake ones. Like, it's just about bragging about doing... Like, make jokes about...

I made a joke one time that I was filming a Super Bowl commercial because I was seeing a lot of people posting about doing a Super Bowl commercial. Right. And I was like on my podcast set, like clearly not. And I was just like taping my Super Bowl commercial today. And people kept I still get congratulations about it. So this I've like they just thought they missed it. You know, people think I have one. I think it's the kind of thing, though, where you're manifesting it. And yeah, you next year you actually will have one because people go like she's in the mix. Yeah, I was supposed to be in one and I got covid.

Really? Which one? It was like roasting Mr. Peanut. I remember this one. Yeah. Yeah. Nikki Glaser is here. That's the thing I say. I go, yeah, I'll say yes to that.

Yeah, I mean, you're known for the roast, and now we're like two weeks after the fact. It feels like because it was live and, you know, it just feels like every day there's eight news stories coming out about this roast. It's crazy. I did a Google search for your name. It's nuts. You know, it's just like at this point in time when we're taping this, there's Nikki Glaser was called Pretty Awful Things during Tom Brady roast. Yes.

There is... Nikki Glaser said they agreed not to go after Tom Brady's kids during roast. Nikki Glaser reveals Tom Brady joke she held back from Netflix roast. Yeah, it's everywhere. I really felt like Taylor Swift this week in terms of, like, you open your phone and I see my own face everywhere. I hear conversations, people talking about me. Like, it's really... It's crazy. I think it's...

It's because of the live aspect of it. But no one... None of us thought that this would be this big of a deal. I didn't think it. I worked really hard knowing it was a big deal. But I think...

I really don't think I'll ever have this much attention on me the rest of my career, no matter how good it gets. There just isn't a way unless I would the day I die. If I die tragically young, it will be this covered and I'll be or if I if you get slapped by Will Smith, the two ways in which a comedian can have this much. It's just unprecedented. I wonder if you could get slapped by Will Smith. How could we arrange this? I don't want to come on TV. Yeah.

You did great in it. I actually, I wasn't going to watch it. These roasts are usually not my, I mean, I appreciate the craft in them because it's a lot like writing jokes for award shows and stuff that I've done. So I appreciate the craft involved in it, but I'm not going to spend like three hours watching this thing. But I will say that, so I wasn't even going to see it. I didn't even know you were a part of it. But we're sitting there, I think the day after, and my wife comes in, Kulap comes in and says, can we watch Nikki Glaser on the roast? And I

I said, oh, I didn't know she was doing it. And she says, I heard she was amazing in it. So, and then she had the timestamp as well. She goes, it's, you know, at one hour and three minutes in or something like that. So we fast forwarded everything, got right to it. And you did amazing. It was, it was so incredible. You know, you're doing a good job when like every comedian you're insulting is like

waving you off, going like, stop talking about me. Yes. Like, I feel like Kevin Hart was doing that, like, no, no more. Kevin Hart was great. I mean, Kevin Hart really was the one that kind of, like, sold this narrative of, like, she was the best that everyone is falling into. Like, it's just... Because after I...

I got a standing ovation. I didn't know. But the only reason anyone even knows that that happened is because he went up there and said it. He goes, for everyone watching at home, in case you didn't know, Nikki just got a standing ovation. Like, that kind of kindness of like...

It's just I've never encountered that really in doing stuff with other comedians where they will stop what they're doing and not be funny about it just to say it was... And that really told people how to feel about it. A comedian would be sitting there trying to think of a tag on one of your jokes or an insult, you know? And instead, he just did this really nice thing. Yeah, and now everyone's...

People don't know that subconsciously Kevin Hart told them that I was the MVP and that they think they're going like, you were the best one. I'm like, Kevin Hart told you I was by saying that. You know, like the way I always say this about YouTube videos and how you can watch them and without the comments underneath, you can form your own opinion, but...

Even the most savvy consumer, like I know comments are bullshit and I shouldn't even give them any weight. But if someone with a checkmark, I don't even know who it is, says like this is one of the funniest things I've ever seen. I will then kind of – it will become funnier to me. And I don't even know who that person was, but they have a checkmark by their name or it has a lot of upvotes. So I'm like it tells you how to feel about things. So that's what he did for me that night. It was really nice. That's really nice. Yeah. I feel like –

You've probably exhausted every angle of talking about this, but I do want to make news on this podcast. So is there any kind of tiny little detail? I know it's at this point as we're coming out, it's been weeks, but give me some little tiny detail of like, did someone give you the side eye? Was there any kind of gossip? Did anyone have sex backstage? Well, I will say Tom Brady did not. I didn't introduce himself to us before the show. Wait, so let me imagine this because the forum is,

You're in like a big green room with everybody or everyone has. Actually, there were. Yeah, the teleprompter like to go over the teleprompter was in the same room where everyone's hanging out and not just everyone on the day. It's like not Tom Brady. He's kept elsewhere, but everyone and their managers and their makeup team. It was like chaos. And you're trying to read the prompter to make sure they have the right joke in it.

So that, yeah, everyone's hanging out before and then you just are getting miked and then suddenly you're put out there and it's live. And we didn't meet Tom before. I've done four of these roasts and the three others you meet kind of backstage in that room. You meet the lead person. I would not want to meet him. I wanted to just to say, like, just have some kind of rapport. But I'm actually glad I didn't because I kind of was like, I don't really care.

I care if this hurts your feelings. I don't know you at all. Yeah, that's the thing. I feel like... And you're the same person to me that you were when I wrote these. It's a power move on his part to go meet everyone and be friendly so that they take it easy on him. Yeah, and we didn't. And then afterwards, he didn't go to the after party, but I saw him walk on the way out. Because I think he was a little shell-shocked. I think that it was harder than he thought it was going to be. I think that people go into this thinking...

Oh, yes, I've done my research. I've watched the Greg Geraldo roast. I've seen how hard people could go. They're not going to find that angle for me. Like, they really don't think... I don't think he thought we were going to go after, like...

The fact that you're divorced and that you chose football over your family. You've, like, abandoned your family. That's his whole thing. He doesn't think they were ever going to go after that? I think those were the ones that really probably hurt him. Yeah. And then there was a bunch of headlines about him having to apologize to Giselle and Giselle being very disappointed in the roast. And I get—I mean, she has a right to be. Like, she didn't ask for her name to be mentioned. I read a headline that you will apologize to her if you ever come across her. I absolutely would because I'd be like—

yeah, it was, it was not, it was, all I did was make a joke about her getting her ass eaten by her boyfriend. So I think that's like not the worst thing, but it is like no one wants, she's a mother. That visual is out there. It's not, it's not the nicest thing. I've been visualizing it for years. My problem,

My point was, like, I feel like she's been roasting me my whole life by just existing with her body and her face and her hair. Like, I felt. These people can take it. She's always been so, like, I've really honestly felt bad about myself because of her existing. So it's like it's payback time. She doesn't know that, but it's true. Like, it was tough growing up looking at posters of her as a young girl.

No, it's interesting. Having done the Between Two Ferns videos for so many years, like there are certain things that we always say, you know, hey, if there's a joke, we never tell people the jokes beforehand, but we're like, there's a joke that like really pisses you off.

Let us know and we won't use it. And there's it's interesting the things that people don't expect that you would ever bring up. I'm not going to say any of them here. Do you feel it's more personal or career based? Because I have jokes that are really personal. They've all been personal. Yeah.

See, I don't like the career things. Like, that's the one where if you're making fun of my career and how I haven't been achieved enough or that I'm not funny or that I'm like over, like something like that. Right. And that's because those are things I feel about myself. The look stuff, I'm like, oh, I'll call someone to fix that. Right.

Or personal, I'm like, I am who I am. But there's something about the... Something about the career thing. Interesting. Yeah, but I think that Tom didn't think that we would go... I just think he was a little bit delusional enough to think that we weren't going to go there. Like, what would you ever joke about if it wasn't for that stuff? Well, we didn't joke about the kids.

thing like that was a thing that we all chose like we're not gonna make fun of the kid kissing thing which was truly all I knew about him like I was obsessed with that kid kissing video I thought it was so fascinating I just and then I was I wrote a bunch of jokes about it and um and it just sucks the couple days before to hear oh by the way no kid kiss like I was doing a read through with the writers room for the first time a couple days before and they're like you have to lose 30% of that because it's referencing it was almost like I was calling back to it it was like yeah a really funny through line and it just

all of a sudden this huge chunk comes out. And then you feel okay about it, but you're like, why'd you sign up for this then? But this also, his kids didn't ask for it. But I will say that he...

I thought he, like, was going to produce these roasts. There was some, like, message I got of, like, he's going to be in charge of, like, you know, doing the... They're going to do a bunch of these greatest roasts of all times with, like, you know, hopefully Serena Williams and LeBron and Tiger Woods. Like, it's going to be a new thing and that he's going to kind of run it. So I didn't want to go too hard on him to, like, burn a bridge. You want to do these other three. Of course. Yeah, like, there is a...

I have that motive. Obviously, I want to do more. So after the show, I just wanted to say thank you and truly say thank you. No, no motive there. But he he just goes, you did. You did really great. You did great. Good luck to you. And there was a good luck to you in it of like, you will never. We will never interact again. This is the last time you're grateful. You should be glad you even got to shake my hand right now. My parents were right behind me and they go, I'm

Nikki's mom like that was so humiliating wasn't she great yeah yeah so yeah it was a weird night but it was really fun well you did great it's always fun to see you on my television and that reality show you did the F boy island what happened to that

It's still on. It's still on. No one's watching it because it's on CW, but it's so good. It's better than the one that we did on HBO. Really? I love that show. It's really so good. And now we did F Girl Island, but we had to rebrand it because they can't sell ads. So it's called Lovers and Liars, but it's essentially F Girl Island. It's three guys looking for love, a bunch of girls that are lying to them, and it's

It's on the CW app for free right now if you want to watch it. Okay. And I also have a special on HBO called Someday You'll Die. And so that's out now. It's my fourth hour special. So much going on. Yeah. And yet you still make time for this show. Yeah, hell yeah. I'm so grateful to be here. Well, we have to take a break. But when we come back, we have some guests that my producer hasn't even told me who they are yet. So this is very exciting. So when we come back,

We're going to have some mystery guests. We also have more with Nikki Glaser. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. You know what? No matter where you are or who you are or when you are or how you are, all of the reporters questions, you can feel like you are living the coastal California lifestyle with Viore performance apparel. Everything that Viore makes is designed to work out in. But you know what? It doesn't.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back with Nikki Glaser. And I found out who's going to be on the show. So this is...

This is a packed show. A little bit later, we have a reality TV contestant. Really? Yeah, you dabble in the medium. Yes. Although when you work as hard as you do on it, it's not dabbling, really. It's a full job. Yeah, I'm in there, you know, heading up elimination ceremonies, welcoming new cast members in.

breaking up mixers to drop that a new cast member has arrived. What is your technique? Do you do the bachelor bachelorette dinging on a glass or how do you get them all to shut up? One, I pulled a plug and the rave went silent. You know, they were doing like a foam party. I just come in and with a heater, you know, like just anything to ruin their time. Yes. And then there's the record scratch moment. So you're up there with a record player and you're scratching them? Literally bring one. Yeah.

That is, of course, Lovers and Liars, which is all on the CW app. But we have a reality contestant. But let's get to our next guest. He is a... I don't actually know what he does for a living. I haven't met him yet. But please welcome Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald Smythe. Hello. Fantastic to be here. Yes, that's so fun. You know, many people might just know me by the commercials I do. Yeah. Now that I'm getting a good look at you...

Your brown, your... Little top hat. Little top hat. Monocle. I normally don't say what color someone is when I first talk about... Some people say yellow, some people say brown. Are you yellow? Yeah, it's... I say it's your own eye color. Who's to say your yellow, my brown are different? I don't even...

No. Yeah, but you're an English gentleman, it seems. Yes, I am. You have a monocle? Yes, I do. And, you know, I think a lot of people know me from the ads I do for Mr. Peanut. But I don't want to break free of that. I don't want to be caught in that game, you know, like Jake from State Farm. I don't want to be just one thing. Yeah, it would be weird if you were watching a movie and saw Jake from State Farm, like, pop up. Would it? I think it would be fantastic.

We love him. And I mean, that's why I'm out here in Los Angeles trying to get my feet wet. I wanted to get in on that roast, you know, because we did do the Super Bowl roast commercial for me. Yeah, that's right. Nikki, this is Mr. Peanut. Yeah. The guy that you were casting. I was going to roast and then I got COVID. And so I wasn't able to. You could have brought it. I wouldn't get COVID. I don't get COVID. Peanuts can't get COVID? Peanuts can't get COVID. I also believe it's a myth. Oh. I mean, two things that can be true. I'm pretty sure even the people who...

who don't believe in vaccines know it exists. No, no, no. I'm on the other side. The whole thing's a myth. Just brought up by, you know, I mean, I've had it like twice. I'm pretty sure I had it. It's all, it's just a flu. It's just a flu. You ever had COVID? Yeah, I got it twice. You got it twice. Yeah. Twice seems like the gentlemanly amount of time. Didn't we

Didn't we all get it twice? You know what I mean? Like once is a little suspect. It is. What are you, a hermit? But it felt like, you know, I liked losing my sense of taste, though. Did you lose it, really? Oh, yeah. Did you not? No, no, I haven't. Oh, really? Oh, that was good. I learned that I'm mostly a texture person. My eating habits did not change at all. Really? I experienced no loss of joy. So you like what food you eat because you like the texture of it? I think it's like 70% texture for me.

And that's great for a peanut to eat. And that's why you see peanut shells all the time. I like that texture and then choke. Great texture, great taste, everything together in one little package. You're one of those interesting foods that you have to unwrap. What do we have? Bananas, peas. Right, but I'm more of the banana if a banana was a turtle. Right, I have a hard shell. You just can't just get in there. Bananas are weak. No, you could mush up a banana. I know her. You know Chiquita Banana? Yeah.

Terrible person. Really? Awful, awful, awful person. Tell all, sister. Well, you know, we would do, you know, be at certain events, world's fairs, conventions. The 1939 World's Fair. We were there and she was, what she said.

I mean, you know, she had some thoughts about Hitler that I won't share here that I was so blown away. I knew I knew he was up to something bad. I said, I'm not going to get behind that guy. I didn't do any press in Germany or I didn't do much press in Germany during that time. I did a little.

I've seen the tapes. You did a lot of press in Germany. I did a couple of appearances. I just did a Google search of you plus Hitler. There's a picture of you shaking hands like Richard Nixon and Elvis. Well, that was just a quick photo op, and that was obviously they paid for me to have a beautiful time there, and I was treating the German people I love. And, you know, and that was, yes. Am I embarrassed about that picture? Sure. We all have those pictures. I don't think, I mean, Nikki, who's the worst person you've ever taken a picture with? Oh, God. I'm trying to think.

Just comedians who are probably date rapists. Canceled at this point? Yeah, there's several. And I look so good in the photos and you can't post them anymore. You could do a bisected down the middle. Here's the question, though. Isn't it fun to have that kind of a picture? You and OJ Simpson just laughing around. It's a sign of simpler times. If you had a picture of you and OJ now...

be weird. But back in the day, it's like, oh, the guy from the naked gun. What a fun fella. Well, he's one of our most prized guests here. That's what I was going to say. I love and I'm so sorry. So sorry about his passing. I

So sad. Last time I saw him, he was alive. Okay, good, good, good. But yeah, I have a picture of me, Key and Peele, and Bill Cosby together right maybe two weeks before it all went down. No way! That's great! I went to a Bill Cosby show on... He came to my school, KU, my senior year, and I was just starting in stand-up comedy, and I wasn't familiar with his stand-up, but knew that everyone's like,

it's the greatest ever. You know, the documentary comedian and Jerry and Chris Rock are talking about he did three hours, new shit, Jerry. And it's like they were both mind boggled. And I go, I can't wait to see this guy. And I fell asleep. It's the only comedy show I've fallen asleep during, which now my joke was like, maybe he didn't drug them. Maybe he just did his act because I have never fallen asleep before during a comedy show. It was horrible. And it felt so good when he came out as a rapist because I didn't like him, but I could never talk about night like him. You know, like you,

Talk to comedians and they talk about legends and you're like, oh, Lenny Bruce, and you have no fucking clue. So I just had to act cool for so many years that I liked Bill Cosby when I secretly didn't. So I was kind of psyched when he was a racist. I once saw him and he sat in a chair the entire time. I know that's his thing. And he just took an intermission, but the show was so low energy. And then he came back out and it was still low energy. Yeah, he is.

I didn't even know why we were taking a break. It's like the intermission was higher energy than his act. I was excited to get up and move. I'll tell you, President Obama has a great way to take pictures. He will gather your family. And I had a friend. I saw this actually happen. Get your family. He has two girls and they have their boyfriends. And Obama goes, OK, boyfriends out. And then they take the picture again just in case.

That relationship. Yeah. Oh, I love that. It's a great idea. It's like boyfriends out. Boyfriends out. Yes. So, you know, you could do it on random different things. A husband out. You know, when you took the picture with OJ, you said wives out. Just in case something happens. I just, and it was great. I was able to use that.

What about Keanu? His whole thing of making sure everyone sees his hands. You have to. It's a magician's trick. He rolls up his sleeves. Nothing here, nothing there. I don't know. I mean, look, we've seen how Franken, you know, where his hands were. So, yes.

keep them up. I think everyone should pose hands above your head at all times. From now on, we're going to take the pictures during the, for the, for the photo episodes for hands up. The SWAT team just came in the room. The person with the camera has a gun at you. Okay. Yeah. Nothing to see here. Honestly, like I think if you're taking a picture of someone, bring a gun. Oh,

Always. You get a great reaction. It's different than a smile. It's more natural. It's a fun way to be. So what steps are you taking in order to sort of segue? Because you're a commercial guy. I do commercials. I've always said this. But I'm an entertainer. We love our celebrities like Scooby-Doo. He's in these Scooby-Doo movies. Love Scooby. If I were

I would cast him in any other movie. Why is he relegated to these Scooby-Doo movies? Well, I mean, think about it. This is my problem. All of a sudden, you go, oh, that's a dog. The dog can't do anything. But then you see Super Pets. They just go right over Scooby-Doo and they cast this other dog. Yeah, put Scooby-Doo in it. And I'm like, well,

who's this dog? I need to, you know, it's, it's, this is Hollywood and obviously it's constricting. We understand that. Sure. You know, everything is getting smaller, but you know, I would love to see, you know, Scooby, there's a great show called Sex Life of College Girls. And there's some apparent roles in there. I'd love to see Scooby-Doo as one of the parents. Yeah. Or the teacher or something. Just give him some range. He's, I did Shakespeare with him. It was me, Patrick Stewart and, and Arthur. Yeah.

a.k.a. Scooby-Doo. And we would do these shows. He's fantastic. Just gets the audience, just races them up. What part did you play, by the way? We did Merchant of Venice. Oh, okay. I don't know that I... It was, yes. I mean, at different times, different times. But anyway, we did a lot of different things. I saw Scooby, a.k.a. Arthur do Ayago. Oh.

Oh, okay. Yeah, from Aladdin? Yes, from Aladdin. And then they replaced him for Gilbert Gottfried. Really? What a shame. It was Scooby-Doo originally. They said, well, dogs don't roam around the desert.

Yeah, you know, and I was like, but what are we talking about here? Just put some plumage on him and then boom, you've got a bird. People love Gilbert Gottfried. I love Gilbert. He was great. One of the best. But we love Scooby more. We love Scooby. I would have loved to have seen you star in anything but you with Sidney Sweeney. That shower scene. Rubbing up against a peanut. You see, no, I can't. That is when my contract and I will not do wet.

I can't do it. Wet is really wrecks everything for me. So I do have to pick and choose. Have you lacquered yourself or anything to protect that? No, and I think that that's why you see like, you know, I do have some, you know, look, I'm not afraid. I'm not going to get work done. I don't need to have work done, but you see like, you know, a dermabrasion might

to do you some good. You know, and I've heard that that's good. You know, I just, my fear is that you'll start seeing some of the threads from the shell. And then, you know, it's like, but part of me is like, I'm fine to age gracefully and that, but I want to get into it. And, you know, people don't realize I'm young. Yeah. How old are you? In peanut years? Sure. I'll take it. 27. Now in human years, forget about it. I came on the scene in 1922, but in peanut years, that's nothing.

How did you ever, I mean, and forgive me if this is an indelicate question. No, no, no. I haven't seen a lot of talking peanuts out there in the world, out in these streets. Nikki, you, uh, have you ever seen even one talking peanut other than this one? No, I don't know that I have. How did you come to life? Oh, no, I mean, we're from a work, a small working class clan, the peanuts. Okay. You know, we stay to ourselves off, you know, we're off of, uh, most of us live outside of Belfast. Uh,

I wondered what that accent was. Yes. And I'm still wondering. Part of it is just what I've learned in vocal training. They teach you that in vocal training? I'm kind of like Fergie. Where is she from? Who is she? Black eyed peas. Who's the lead singer? Depends on the country they're in. You don't know. In some countries, the taboo is in the front. And you're like, hey, it's a taboo show. Is that true? Oh, yes. Wow. They've mixed it up.

You know, that's the thing. It's like, you have to be international. So if you go to Peru, Taboo is out there doing all the... You said where? Peru? Yeah, Peru. Taboo is in front. Very rarely is the one that you know in front.

The one I, oh, Will.i.am. Will.i.am is, he's in front in certain cities as well. It just goes around. They go, they do a comprehensive thing where they figure, okay, who's going to be the best lead singer? And they pop them out. Fergie, that's who I met. Fergie, yeah.

The one you brought up. Yes. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. So, but so I guess your family is from Ireland or wherever. Belfast. That's fine. But how did you come to life? I mean, was this a magic thing?

Was this science? Look, we're very lucky, and we don't like to talk about it. We don't like to talk out of school about any of this. But yes, there was a peanut farmer, descendant of George Washington Carver. Oh, okay. He made the peanut great, according to Run DMC. Amazing. Record player out of a peanut shell. Did you know that? I had no idea. Were the records also peanuts?

Well, he said, you know, I can play this record, uh, with the, cause it's so sharp. The shell is so sharp. You could just play, you know, he didn't make a record player, but just the, uh, the needle, the needle, uh, he did everything. Peanut butter. Yeah. All these things. He's mainly known for the peanut butter. Yes. And so, uh,

And it's not like he even invented the peanut. He just was like, hey, what if I do this with a peanut? Well, that's, I mean, look. I don't consider that to be an invention. Well, I mean, you know. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's sort of like Jim Carrey, right? Anyone can talk out of the ass, but he did it first. And so we all reward him for being the greatest. Yeah, I guess so. Everyone has an ass. Yes. He's the first person to talk out of it. He's the one who did it. We're like, yes, now this is what we need. And, you know, so.

uh, but you're not answering my question. I'm going. So he, uh, you know, a very religious man, uh, he prayed, religious man, pray to God, uh, the same way that Geppetto played to God about Pinocchio. Okay. And, uh, and then a small grouping of us, uh, came to life. And that was how we were first started out in the field. So this was God because when Geppetto prayed, the blue fairy came. Is that what they say? Uh,

Well, I mean... I mean, everyone has a different story. Maybe God was in the guise of the Blue Fairy. Is God a Blue Fairy? I mean, who is your God? A Blue Fairy could be your God. A Buddha, whatever it is. Blue Fairy, God, whatever. They never go into that in the Geppetto thing, whether the Blue Fairy created all of the heavens and earth. Yes, I mean, what does the Blue Fairy even represent religiously? I don't even know. I would love to see his books. So God, did you ever meet God when this happened? No. Or just you were sentient? All of a sudden...

Ready to go. Ready to go. Monocle in, bad eyesight right out the gate. Had to carry around a cane because my legs are very thin. Fall over if I don't have the cane. So God not only made you become aware and sentient, but also awarded you a tiny monocle? Oh, gave me many a defect.

Bad eyes, bad legs. And then that's the reason why I have these gloves on my hand. Terrible hands. What do you mean when you say terrible hands? They look like peanut butter burns. This is like a Freddy Krueger type of situation, but hands exclusive? Yes, it's like some baked peanut butter in an oven. They work. They're functional hands, but the gloves reveal such a dastardly scent. Do you mind taking those bad ones out? Here you go. Oh, they smell delicious, though. And speaking to what you said earlier. I am hungry. They do smell great.

Yeah. People do say that to me all the time. You smell great. You smell like a burnt peanut. Well, yes. Yes. And that's fun. It's like Wetzel's pretzels. No, that's like a burnt or a pretzel that's been in the oven. Oh, right. Yeah. Burnt peanut is different. Again, we all have different senses. No, we pretty much have five of them. Six if you're the handjob man. The handjob man, indeed. Yes. Haley Joel, famously referenced almost by Kendrick Lamar recently. Yeah.

I just got him a little bit wrong. Just a bit. Just a touch off sides. Mention Joel Osteen instead.

Oh, wait, really? Yes. He was trying to do a Haley Joel Osment reference and he said Joel Osteen? He said Joel Osteen instead. Oh, that's great. Yeah. So, you know, all of us are fallible. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Kendrick Lamar can... Well, you're churning out so many of those, you know, raps and kisses. This is the thing. Every week, I get people correcting me on stuff that I've said. Oh, I get stuff wrong. Yes. Kendrick Lamar comes out there. That's a biggie. That's a big... Well, somebody in his camp should have been like, oh,

uh, Kendrick, can I talk to you for a second? But he won the Pulitzer. You can't, you can't, uh, critique a Pulitzer winner. Yeah. Maybe he meant, cause you look at it and you go, Oh, I like what he's doing. He's saying six cents, but he's also saying Haley. Uh, he's saying, uh, Joel Osmond, he is a God. And the,

they thought maybe it was a larger metaphor. I would have liked to have seen Drake and Kendrick at that Tom Brady roast. This is the thing, in Drake's reply song or comeback song, I think that should have been the main focus of it. Like, you're such a bad rapper, you confused Daily Joe Osment with Joe Lostine. Right, and then really break down the differences between the two of them.

One is decidedly richer. And you could also have Joel Osteen and bring him in as a guest track. Yes. What? Another one. Yeah. I would love to hear your Joel Osteen feature. You're crazy for this one, Drake.

Well, Mr. Peanut, do you have any sort of... I'm here. Anything happening? I'm ready. I'm going to do some sets. Any leads? You're going to do some what? Stand-up sets? Yes. There's an open mic at 3 p.m. Do you mind hitting us with some of your material? Well, I mean, I have a couple different things. You know, I mean, I did write some jokes for the Tom Brady roast. You did? Because I was like, well, I thought if I was in town, maybe they would just pop me up on that.

I mean, you were in this roast commercial for the Super Bowl. I thought it was a clue. You're part of the family. Yeah. So I have this one joke here is like, you know, I look at I point at Tom Brady's son and I go, you kiss your mother with that mouth, you know, and then I go because your father kisses your mother like he kisses you. And again, it's

fun and put up an image. Nikki, what do you think? You know, I think that the structure is there. I think it's a little bit of editing. I gotta say, you kiss your mother with that mouth is a great jumping off point. It is. It gets us there. This is where I need to workshop it and just get into the video. No, I think just write it better.

Oh, yeah, maybe. And again, again, again, it's these damn hands. Yeah. You know, so it's... That's your excuse for not writing jokes, right? It hurts to type on my phone. Well, Mr. Peanut, I'm glad you're out there. I'm out there and you'll be seeing, you know, there's much to come. Exciting things out here just to be out here. But you have nothing. Right now, nothing locked. Nothing locked. Anything even on deck. I have a general with 2B.

That's not good. Oh, no, it's great. They're, they're bringing free TV is the best TV. Sure. I just, but a general would to be, uh, it's not a general as much as it is. I'm going to go, go, go to, to be okay. So you don't even have an appointment. I'm going to get in there and you are small, drop my stuff and see what happens. You are small. I mean, you're not as small as I thought you were. I thought I'm a larger, but also smaller. And, uh, you know, to me, that's a great way of explaining, you know, I, I, you're a larger, but also smaller, larger than you think, but smaller than I should be. Um,

you know, when you go to Tubi, they say it's like the new soda fountain. You know, they found James Dean at the soda fountain, you know, store or whatever it was. Oh, I thought you meant a new flavor like Mr. Pip Cherry Extra. Do you know Mr. Pip? No, I'm not going to talk about it. You know Mr. Pip? I'm not going to talk about Mr. Pip. If there was a roast, goddammit, I would rip him a new asshole. Wait, what? Because he steals from me. He's always stolen from me. I don't even, I mean, we've never even seen him. He's not even a mascot that they use on the actual, uh, he's just the guy who created the drink? Yeah, he,

He's around. Did you ever think about getting your doctorate? I'll tell you who it is. Who is it? Tyrese. Tyrese is Mr. Pibb? Yes. And he always loves it. Why is it so hard for you to get parts? I got parts, no problem. I do music. I do everything. Oh, Tyrese, we think you're great. And it's harder for me as a mascot to break in. He changed his name, and God bless him, Tyrese, but

So he was Mr. Pibb originally. Yes. His original name is like... And he won't go back and do commercials. And I was like, you know, I'll always do the... I work for Planters day and night. Okay, so you'll do commercials as well. I'll always do commercials, but he'll put me in Twisters. I'd love to get you into like The Bear, season three or something like that. They only cast Chicago people. Man. The worst. You know, in Chicago, it's all about sausages and brats. Could you do a Chicago accent? The Bears! The Bears!

Da Bears. I don't know whether... Da Bear is my favorite show. I don't know if you're on the show, The Bear, they're going to allow you to say Da Bears all that much. You know what I think? It would be fun. It would be fun. It's meta. Season four. Yeah. Da Bear. I just, I don't, I take off the S for it.

I don't know if they would allow you to do that. I think Jeremy Allen White is fantastic. Okay, great. Mr. Peanut. Amen. Wonderful to have you here. Can you stick around? I love to. We have someone from a reality show. Oh, can't wait. You're going to chop it up. By the way, that's very dangerous to say chop it up around you. Amen. Yes, yes. Not me. Don't touch me. Anyone ever try to eat you? Yes.

Elizabeth Taylor. What? Old Violet Eyes herself? Lovely woman. But, you know, we get drunk, we have fun, and, you know. She just puts you in her mouth? So I just, I've avoided, I've not had sex for a long time because of that. Oh, no, I'm so sorry. Because I'm a snack. I know I'm a snack. I'm a snack, and I'm a snack.

This is so... How long has it been since... I mean, since Elizabeth Taylor? You were about to have sex with Elizabeth Taylor, first of all? Yes. You thought. Well, we were having fun. Instead, she just wanted to eat you. Yeah, well, she... You probably... It was fun. We were having fun. Yes, it was shell stuff. We were having a good time. And then all of a sudden, late night, oh, well, you know... Here's what I think. I think you're luring women into your bedroom with the promise of them eating you. That podcast is...

fully wrong. I do want to approach that. There was a podcast about this? Yes. I'm not luring the women in there. They're doing it of their own accord.

all those testimonials so dave you're so right then just use your actual voice i haven't heard about this i now i'm feeling bad about actually having you on the show no no it's fine it's fine it's just linda probably not the worst person that's ever been on this show but hey look we do have to take a break when we come back we're gonna have someone from a reality show we're gonna have more mr peanut more nikki glazer packed show we'll be right back with more comedy bang bang after this for 25 years my

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Nikki Glaser is here, of course. The roast of Tom Brady is in our rearview mirror, but I'm sure the press is still talking about it. And we want to make sure that we isolate whatever newsworthy item that came out about this so we can finally be back in the headlines with Comedy Bang Bang. Yeah, I'll come up with something else. Yeah, oh, sure. Even in the middle of a conversation, just be like, oh, one part I haven't talked about. The three seconds that haven't been discussed.

We also have Mr. Peanut here, who... Yes! I'm here. I can't wait. Love just being here with you, having fun, just joking around. I want to get into this podcast game. You want a podcast, Mr. Peanut? I would love to, you know, talk in peanuts. I mean, you are a man in Hollywood. Maybe we call it Chips and Dips, you know? And we just... Maybe you recap Chips episodes? Oh, I would love to do it. I would love to work with Eric Estrada again. Oh, you worked with him before? One commercial. What was he a...

It was for Peanuts. It was a Planters commercial. Oh, okay. It was sort of about befriending the police. It was like a cross-promotion with the LAPD. LA Traffic Police and Peanuts. It was sort of like, hey, you know what?

pay attention these things are good for you this sounds like a terrible it was it was no it aired very locally just in san bernardino that's incredibly local yes very local but people in san bernardino loved it okay all right well good to know well we did try to make the cops carry peanuts with them in their holsters reminding a holster right yeah they pull it out and then you know a stack of peanuts came out so we made it less like oh you're not gonna get shot just get some peanuts

Okay. Was that going to be a change that the police were going to institute? I just read the script. I don't know what this is. All right. We need to get to our next guest.

um she is a uh contestant on love island usa or uk uk love island uk have you ever watched uh love island i actually haven't you have it you don't want the one that i have heard you don't want too much crossover with your exactly you know what i mean you don't want to be doing their but i hear it's amazing yeah uh please welcome to the show chase sapphire yeah it makes some noise for me going like this no no

Make some noise for you doing that? Noi noi! Do you want us to make the same noise? Yeah, do it back if you want. I don't actually. Nikki, how are you feeling? I'll try. You'll try it? Okay, let's hear it. Noi noi! Noi noi! Noi noi! Noi noi. I guess I did one too. Yeah, pretty fun. Yeah. Are you saying night night in your accent? Yeah, it's sort of like noi noi, go to bed. Oh, okay. Is that what you would say every night on Love Island UK? Yeah, to my baby, noi noi. Who's your baby? What?

Oh, my baby's a baby. You have a baby? Yeah, I just had a baby. Wow. You just had a baby and you brought it on the show? Yeah, she's underneath the table. Oh, here. Oh, here. Okay. Yeah, she's really quiet though because I said no noise. She's having a nap now. She's just ready to go to sleep at any moment. Do we need to be quieter? No, she's nocalyptic. Oh, okay. She's sleeping all day. Like Jimmy Kimmel? Yeah, famously like Jimmy Kimmel.

Yeah, good to be here. Good to be here. I confess that I didn't watch this season or any season of Love Island UK. No, that's okay. I was really, really quickly voted off on account of peeing in the pool. Oh, no, really? How did they know? I'm the pool 10 blues.

Yes, they have these devices now that if you pee in a pool, you see the lines, the jerseys, right back to you. Yeah. I thought that was just a wives' tale to get us to not do it. It was like a tie-dye situation. It was like the pool was turning blue and I kept doing it. She was.

So even after you were found out, you just kept peeing? There were no rules written nowhere. So I didn't know to not do it again. And then I did it in the smaller pool with bubbles that was hotter. The what? The what tub? No. What was I going to say? The hot tub. I don't know what that is. I was going to say water tub. Yeah, it was like a water closet, but a tub was smaller with bubbles. It's like the opposite of a cold plunge. Okay. Yeah, it was a hot plunge. But it was hot. Hot plunge, yeah. Very hot water. Jacuzzi.

No, hot water. You're describing a jacuzzi. I don't know why you're speaking. The circular aspect of it is not necessary. What language is jacuzzi? Jacuzzi, I think it's French. Japanese. Is it Japanese, really? Jacuzzi. I think you're thinking of the yakuza. Oh, yes, yes. I was wondering if you were running around with a bunch of gangsters. So you peed twice. No, more like a dozen handfuls.

A dozen? So 120 times? Half a bushel plus a peck. Oh no, wow. But there was no rules written anywhere. So I said, if there's written rules, I'm not going to do it again. But unfortunately, there was no rules. Yeah, rules are no. It sounds like you have some sort of medical issue. If I have more than a Pesaco and a half, it's anyone's guess.

I'm sponsored by Think Snow, which is the panties you can pee in. Oh, okay. Love this. Yeah. Yeah. They were recalled though recently. What happened? I don't know. Trouble's afoot. Some sort of issue with the materials they're using? Yeah, the materials may cause...

Cancer! Night night! The permanent night night. That's the slogan for cancer. The permanent night night. Have you done those commercials? I would love to get into those. The Cancer Awareness Society. Night night!

You were kicked off very early on. Much like Nikki was kicked off of Dancing with the Stars. Yeah, I know. I feel a real kinship there. And if you want to keep dancing, I'll say keep dancing. Nikki, more, was it...

better when you saw Matt Walsh get kicked off. Yeah, because the other people who have been kicked off first, we're talking Matt Walsh, the guy from Cobra Kai, who's like 75 and never did one step. Barbara Corcoran. Gestured at people. Barbara Corcoran. Yeah. You're better than

All of them. Well, those people weren't trying. Like, they knew that they were going to be first. I did not know. Matt was trying? Oh, that's good. Matt Walsh says he's trying. I think that they bait the comedians because these other people have a bigger, like, they're the ones who watch the TV, the ABC. They're, oh, it's a lot of person. Also, maybe your season was just harder.

No, it really is what it is, is like an audition to be like, are you ABC talent that people want to see? And that's the most embarrassing part was that it's not about dancing. People don't like you. It's about popularity. ABC doesn't, yes, doesn't like you. I think Blossom is a fine dancer, but she lasted way too long. Who? Blossom. Blossom. My arm, by Alec. Yeah, the former Jeopardy host. I can't believe Barbara Corcoran was on that. Yeah. Or with her creaky crackies. Yeah.

elbows and knees. I don't know what creaky crackies are. Just like she's, you know, she probably got like a lot of, she needs to stretch often. She's old as I don't know who Barbara Corcoran is. She's old bone and skin. Shark tank. Shark tank. Oh, yes, of course. She's got a big old house. The person to the right of Mr. Wonderful. Yes, yes. I saw a TikTok of her apartment once and she said just her property fees every month were 50,000 pounds.

Wow. Is that a lot or is that? That's like four or five dollars. Wow. Now, you know, they were kicked off. Nikki was kicked off and Matt Walsh were kicked off because they were auditioning to be ABC talent. You were kicked off for the peeing though. Yeah, no, I was a fan favorite, but it was more of a safety violation. Right. But fans love me. I mean, you talk about not wearing bras that you're proud of. I'm always wearing bras that I'm proud of. My boobs are so big. They make this sound boing, boing.

I heard that when you walked in. Yeah. Oh, don't wake my baby. I was going to say, maybe he's going to wake up. Yeah. Uh, I think the Love Island UK is, is so fascinating because you have the most beautiful women you've ever seen in your life. And then they talk with these like low class English accents. Yeah. I'm famously not the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, but I'm also living my life doing it twice. Yeah. What, what, how would you describe yourself physically? Um,

I don't want to do it because that's not part of this show. Physically, I would say I'm sort of looking like a raisin with legs and arms. Yeah, you're like one of the California raisins. Did you think it was one of the California raisins? I did for just a second. She's not holding a saxophone. No, and that's the thing. Look, those raisins are great. And if you've not listened to some of their new stuff, they're still putting out stuff. They're on tour with Spin Doctors right now. Really? Fantastic. I haven't heard any of their recent stuff. Oh, it's great. They're doing more of like a punk...

Fusion. Oh, they shouldn't be doing that. It's weird. BTS or something? Yes. To me, I'm always like, I love the artist. The movie The Artist? Oh, fantastic. You're so silent. One of the most silent people ever to be in movies. I met him once and I said, talk.

But I was like, with these California Raisins, I love the artists. I hate the art. So I will go and I watch. I support it. But Paul McCartney, he's going to play Let It Be, Bluebird, whatever. Play me the new stuff, Paul. Don't let me live in the past. Give me the stuff off the Fireman album. Oh, God. Yeah, I love modern music. Controversial, but. Nicky, I'm getting hungry looking at these guys.

these guys we got a raisin right here we got a peanut it's it's true it's a it's better we did this at lunchtime i know i know yeah i don't have like the looks for it but i know how to use the equipment for sure i don't know what you mean um like having sex with me is like going to a water park there's a lot of slipping and sliding and sometimes there's families around and pee

And pee, yeah. Definitely a lot. And so then I'm right at home there. Sometimes there's families around. I like to do it in public. Yeah.

Did you hook up on the show? Yeah, heaps and loads. Oh, yeah? With lots of producers and locals in Ibiza. I don't think that's what you're supposed to hook up with the locals. I was famously sneaking off set and sort of getting my needs met elsewhere. How many times were you having sex a day? Um, 40, 41. 41? Wow. Yeah, and Mr. Peanut's looking good. I love a short king. Yep, look.

Not as tall as you want. Not as short as you feel. Do you ever take your gloves off for hand stuff? Nope. Well, it depends. But again, I'm on a self-imposed... You ever done any soaking with those hands? I'm not going to get the penis. You ever been in a small tub made of a circle, but it's not cold? You're really talking about a jacuzzi right now. How did you get over the cameras?

Oh, man, I love the cameras. I live for the cameras. And I famously have an OnlyFans for just below my ankles. Wow. So really? So just like the bottoms, the soles of your feet? It's not feet pics. It's me tap dancing in my bare feet. How do you make the tap noises? I've got really chapped heels. Oh, no. I saw. I said I'm like a raisin. I'm glad that you said that because I'm looking at her. She has her shoes off right now. Yeah, I put them on the table. Her corns.

look so solid on the bottom of her feet. I imagine that if you put that on a hard surface, that's going to make a... That's Gregory Hines level, yeah. Yeah, it sounds like breaking glass. How did you get those corns? I was on a long distance track team, which is sort of why I'm like a raisin. I never wore SPF my whole life, so I've sort of crinkled and crankled. And now I'm like a papyrus.

Human papyrus. Wait, I am so hungry right now, Nikki. There's a market for big, ugly feet. There's a big old market. I've got size 40 men's and the chat beyond belief. I should get into this. And they like the tapping. Yeah, they like the tapping. Yeah, they don't want to steal photos. No other things you have to do with your feet. They like me to send them vine length videos of me tap dancing. 7 seconds. 0.7 seconds. That's the sweet spot. Oh, my God.

My favorite medium. Oh, so good. All the best comedians died on Vine. I miss them. Nikki, you have an OnlyFans? I've thought about the foot thing. Yeah. Of anything. Are you on WikiFeed? I think I am. Do you have a score? I have pretty bad bunions, and I do have corns. I suffer with all those things. I feel like after last week's show, I'm suddenly on WikiFeed. When you did Dancing with the Stars, did your bunions get big? Oh, they were horrible.

Yeah, they got really bad because you're shoving your foot into tiny shoes. By the way, you have 288 picks on WikiFeet. I can't. Oh my God. Look at Chase Sapphire. It's not good. What is the score? My feet are truly offensive looking. How do you look up a score? I thought my score was 9.5, but that was my size. Oh, okay. Yes, you have a 9.5. You're right, 9.5. I was very excited for a while. I think

my score is like two out of five. No, no, no, you're a three and a quarter. Okay, I'll take it. Out of five. Out of five. Okay, I'll take it because my feet are jacked. Like, my bunions are really insane. There's something, you hanging off a wall or something? Yeah, I'm sure. I don't hide them as much anymore but I used to be very ashamed. There's you in a pool. This is the funniest picture I've ever seen of you. Dude, they'll find it.

Oh, that's me in the Dead Sea. You in the Dead Sea. Don't pee in that. It'll turn blue. That's crazy. They found that. Great research. That's so funny. I will not support Wikipedia, but I will support Wikifeet because of that kind of journalism. Yes. Do you donate to Wikifeet, by the way? They're always asking for like $5 a month. They are? I do Wikifeet. I do $50,000 a year. I'm going to look up Mr. Peanut. Do you have a score here? They're always asking for money.

Always wanted it. They threatened it was going to shut down, going to shut down, but they never shut down. I know. Wikipedia, they're always like, we can't continue any longer. It's like PBS. Yes, it will continue. Well, are you doing another reality show? Yeah, I'm doing Lovers and Cheaters, Haters and Liars. Okay. Oh, wait, she's doing your show? Spinoff, yeah, yeah.

It's a spin-off. That's exciting. I didn't know we had you. It's just me. It's sort of like I want to be made the famous MTV show, but it's party training me. Party training you. That is your issue. Yeah. I don't know, Nikki. You haven't heard about this? No, they haven't called me about it. I think it's because of untreated HPV. Untreated? Why don't you treat it? It's a personal preference. Oh, I see. This is sort of like you and the COVID thing, right? Yes, I was going to snap my fingers. Night-night indeed. Night-night. Night-night.

Well, guys, we are running out of time here. I am ashamed to admit it, but... Ashamed? No! You had nothing to do with the time going out. There's nothing to be ashamed of, Scott. That's the worst part about time is it passes. And how ashamed you are when it does. Yeah. But we only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugs, plugss. Pl

Oh,

Beautiful. That was Two and a Half Plugs by Carlos Estevez. Thank you so much, Carlos. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com and slash plugs. Don't just go to cbbworld.com, although enjoy yourself while you're there, but then add a slash plugs and

and you can get your plugs theme on the show. And Carlos, great job. That sounded beautiful. Was that you and your friends? That was amazing. Let's plug it up. Nikki, we said some of this stuff before, but this is your time to plug. Your time to plug anything you like. What would you like to plug? Sorry I plugged before plugs. No, no. Hey, it's happened before. It'll happen again. I'm so sorry. HBO special on... It's called Someday You'll Die. I have a new...

my first single out, my pop single. I wrote a song. You're kidding me. I wrote a song for the special because we were editing it and they're like, oh, what song do you want for the credits? And I was like, oh, I gave them a bunch. They're like, these will be like, it's 20 grand and we're over budget. And I'm like, I'm not paying that out of pocket. So I was like, what if I wrote a song? And they were like, yeah, do it. So I just did. And I love it. It's called Someday You'll Die and it's on Spotify. This is what I love about you. You're always like, you're doing stuff like this that no other comedian would do. I love it. Yeah.

But I'm really proud of it. It's actually really good. Is it as good as Sheena from Vanderpump Rules song? It's, it actually, I think everyone will be shocked. I think you're going to listen to it to make fun of me. Have you ever sung before? I started training to sing for like, during COVID. I was like, I've always wanted to. Really? What kind of singing training? I was on the, I got third place on the mass singer. Hey! I didn't know that. I was beat out by Amber Riley, who's from Glee, and then the Wilson Phillips. So I got,

All of Wilson Phillips? Yeah. Three of them? Yeah. They were all on it. Of course they're going to win. Yeah. So, yeah. So I just, I'm still not that great, but the song is really good. And it's my first song I ever wrote and I really love it. That's amazing. I got to hear this. Someday You'll Die on HBO. Yeah. What's the song called? Someday You'll Die. Someday You'll Die. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Okay. This is incredible. Nikki, always up to something. I love it. Mr. Pina, what are you plugging? Well, let's talk about my friend Paul Scheer. Wait, Paul Scheer's your friend? Do you have a picture with him?

He keeps them up. He keeps them up. He has a book coming out called Joyful Recollections of Trauma. It comes out tomorrow. But technically, you can pre-order it right now. It's an audio book, e-book, hardcover, whatever you want. If you pre-order it today, by the time it gets there, it'll be out. So we've helped and you've done the work. But also, if you buy it this week, this is the important week. This is the important week, yes. This is the scary week. No one ever talks about your book after this week. No, that's it. You have one week to...

to really get in there. Is that how it's true, right? Yes. That's how it feels. It's so scary. Unlike any TV thing. I mean, like TV now, yeah. With the fact that they're putting out every episode simultaneously. You have one shot. One shot. So if you're even thinking about it,

Do it. Use your audiobook credits. Get an Amazon Kindle. Buy it and then download the book. This book, we got sent an advance copy. It wasn't a galley, but it was an advance copy. And I have not read it yet, but my wife, Kulop, just zoomed right through it, says it's amazing. She wrote me a beautiful... Why you? She wrote me to give it to Paul. And I didn't.

You didn't? I haven't seen them. I haven't seen them around. I haven't seen them, but I hope I do. All right. Maybe someday. But yes, and there's a bunch of touring events around the book, and there's even a live virtual signing, which you can do. The entire world can do a virtual signing. Books will go everywhere. How do you do a virtual signing? Is this like you have to buy an auto pen? It's a live stream, and then people will watch me sign books. And they'll copy it the way that you... No, then they get sent.

Oh, I see. Oh, okay. I thought that they were supposed to sign it along with you. But again, a lot of fun. A lot of fun out there. And again, I just fired Gersh. Why? You need help. You have nothing. I didn't like what they stood for. Okay. All right. And Chase Sapphire. By the way, your name is two banks. Or it's one bank. Yeah, coincidence entirely. Coincidence. Okay. Yeah, but I've got really good credit for 24.

Okay. A little bit about me. I am touring around the country. Go on my Instagram at Hannah Pilkes, P-I-L-K-E-S, for dates and locations. I'm also workshopping a new hour in New York and LA at PDA and Union Hall, so you can look up the dates on my Instagram. All right. Very good. Well, I want to plug, look, the Comedy Bang Bang Tour. You heard our first show last week, but we're getting out there starting June 12th. We

We added a Boston show because the first one... Massive tour. Massive tour. The first one sold out in Boston. There's still some tickets for the first Boston, but we're going to Boston, Brooklyn, Philly, Washington, D.C., Durham, Atlanta, St. Louis, Nashville, Tucson, Phoenix, San Diego, Salt Lake City, Denver, Austin, Dallas, Toronto...

Royal Oak, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Madison, St. Paul, Sacramento, Oakland, Portland, Seattle, Vancouver, going to so many places. That's myself, Paul F. Tompkins, and the Comedy Bang Bang All-Stars. Why don't you call them the players? The Comedy Bang Bang Players. They're not ready for Comedy Bang Bang Players. I get people who have only done the show once and then I never have them back. Yeah.

Fire them for saying the F word, maybe. Oh, my God. I've done that so many times. But go to cbbworld.com slash tour for links. A lot of the shows are sold out or close to being sold out. So you're going to want to make sure to get tickets. And it's going to be a really fun tour. We haven't been out there in a few years and really looking forward to it.

And while you're at CBB World, then go ahead and sign up. That's where you get all of our shows, including CBB Presents, where people from this show have their own shows, as well as Scott Hasn't Seen, where we watch movies.

and Neighborhood Listen and College Town and ad-free episodes of this show as well as the full archive. So much going on. Oh, Womp It Up. We just put Womp It Up up there. Every single episode ad-free of Womp It Up. Head over to cbbworld.com and if you're only listening to this show, you're only getting half the story. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. We're jamming. We're jamming on a new planet. Jamming.

Wow, that was Space Jammin' by Randy Smith. Thank you so much to Randy Smith. And guys, I want to thank you so much, Nicky,

Always a pleasure having you. Thank you for making time. I know you're busy of a press whirlwind and I appreciate it. No, this is awesome. I'm always so honored to be asked to do this. Thank you. Uh, and I got to hear that single and, uh, Mr. Peanuts. Yes. Chase Sapphire. Yes. I just got to admit, this is a bad move on my part to do the show during lunch. Uh,

Oh, no. No. Hey, get your hands off me. Sorry. I mean. Sorry, my baby. I ate a potato once on this show. I sent you a potato. My baby's like a potato. So you know I have a history. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. Night, night. night.

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