Natasha Leggero, Seth Morris, Jacob Wysocki
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They say there are no stupid questions, but what about this one? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Roger Gwyffindor for that catchphrase submission. Not going to stick, but thank you for the attempt, Roger Gwyffindor. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. My name is Scott Aukerman, and this is... Look, I say this every week that we have a great show, but man, this one is incredible. We have a stand-up comedian slash podcast host.

They're already so excited. Who could it be? It could be anybody. It could be every single comedian. It could be every human. We also have someone in the corrections industry. So this is a jam-packed show. This is, I mean, you are not going to want to miss this one.

Let's bring our first guest to the microphone. You've heard her dulcet tones mere seconds ago. She is a returning favorite. She's been on the show, I'm going to guess, eight times. I bet this is your eighth appearance. What do you think? No way. You don't think so? You want me to look? I'm going to look up your stats. Fourth, no. But I've definitely been a part of your orbit for 20-some years. You've orbited me several times. We are... Embar...

Moved with you to UCB. You did my sketch pilot for Fox. 20 years ago. If you'll remember that. 20, a good 20 years. No, not 20. For sure. 2009 or 8.

Okay. All right. You got me. I got you again. But how many times have I been on this show? It can't be more than four. I'll tell you. Nine. This is 10. What? This is your 10th appearance. Oh, because it used to be like, oh, we've been doing this for a long time. We've been in this game for 15 years at this point. Wow. And you've been on 10 times. That's once every year and a half.

That's amazing. It's amazing. You're one of our favorites. People love you. Thank you. I love you. I love you. I love your family. Yes, I love your family. I love everything about everything you touch, every little, all of your tendrils that go out there into the world. I love everything about it. I'm trying, Scott. And she's also an author, a television host. She's a jack of all trades, or I don't know what you call a female version of that.

Jill of all trades? I'm just exhausted. Are you really? Yeah, because I have a kid now and you know what it's like. Well, maybe it's different for men, but I just want to be around her all the time. Yeah.

No, I get that. I want to be around your kid all the time as well, but we do have to introduce you. She's been on the show. She's making her 10th appearance. She's in the 10-timers club, which is incredible. Yes. Please welcome back to the show, Natasha Leggero. Thank you. So great to have you. You're going to put in some applause, right? Yeah. I mean, our sound effects machine has been broken for the last eight years. We're hoping to get it fixed. Okay. We were able to afford a horse panting.

But that's all we can do. Okay, gallop away.

Yeah. So welcome to the show. So good to see you. Great to be here. Yeah. You have a copy of your book in front of you as if you're going to either read from it or give it to me. I'm not sure which I'd prefer. I'm not going to do either. And I already gave you one of my books, but it has been re-released on paperback. How do you get to the paperback? Do you have to sell it? Because I'm asking purely out of selfish reasons, because I'm wondering about my book, whether it's going to ever go to paperback.

No one's ever talked about it, so I'm assuming it won't. Well, there's two ways. Okay. One is bestseller. I have that. So it's coming, baby. Is it, you think? Yes. And the other way, which the route I chose, is critically acclaimed. I think one critic gave us a review, and it was acclaimed, so hey.

So, yeah, I'm very proud of it. My book is called The World Deserves My Children. And it's you on the cover in a smashing red dress. Me on the cover. Also, you know, you don't have to buy the book. You could also buy the audio book. I'm reading it. That's always preferred when you can have the actual person reading their book.

It is dedicated to my child. And I have to tell you this. So I told her the other day, because she sees that she's on the cover. And I said, look, this is dedicated to you. It says, to my mother, my children, and my children's children. And my daughter goes, hmm, what if I don't have a child?

And I said, well, then your pets can be your children. And she goes, well, what if I don't have a pet? And I said, well, then the flowers in your garden will be your children. She goes, what if I don't have a garden? And I said, well, then the weeds on the in the cracks of your steps will be your children. And she goes, my phone will be my child. So you've dedicated your book to your child's phone. I mean, as dedications go, not bad. Yeah.

And by the way, I am very conscious to not be on my phone around my kid. And like, I am very anti-tech. And she still is like, my phone will be my child. Does she own a phone? Hell no. Yeah, I wouldn't think so. But she's just counting down the days until she does. She just knows that's the future. It's all she thinks about. When am I getting a phone? I mean, I've already given up the ghost on the phone thing. I got to do the, you know, the wordle thing.

You're saying you have to. Well, but your kid's too young. She's obsessed with the phone, though. She's always trying to steal it. That and the remote control. And she laughs when she does it, when she gets it. When she gets the remote control, it makes her so happy. And she laughs and gives it to me. Because she knows she's not supposed to have it. But also, you know, you're not going to be ignoring her when she's asking you questions when you're older. Yeah.

I know. We'll see. I mean, that's that's in the future a bit. She she's only asked one question. Daddy, read book. Oh, and I said no. I said, Daddy has to write book. And then it ended up on New York Times bestseller list. No, you've read you've read her a book. I've read her a book or two, of course. But every night we're not. Yes, we have story time. We have bath time.

We read five books a night. But enough about us. Let's talk to you because this book is right here in front of me. It's in paperback now. It's in stores. And you've told us the title, but we still have no idea what it's about. Tell us everything. I wrote this during the pandemic. The World Deserves My Children. It is about, you know, my struggles with IVF. Did you think about calling it My Struggle? No.

You know, I did, and I was thinking maybe German would be appropriate. Yeah, the translation's a little dodgy.

No, it's all of my, you know, I just felt like there wasn't really a book that talked about. I had to kind of learn things that even the doctor is not telling you. Like what? Give us one example. I know that this is spoilers for the book, but give us one example of it and give us the dry version. Obviously funnier in the book. Well, here's something that's going to make everyone here uncomfortable. Okay. I'm squirming in my seat already. There is an egg white consistency that needs to be coming out of your body.

pussy to get pregnant. And that happens one day a month. And a lot of girls don't know that. There is also a lot... Is everyone okay right now? Is everyone's assholes clenched? I mean, honestly, you mentioned egg whites and I got hungry. I haven't eaten this today, so... Also, you know, it is...

It is really hard to go through all the IVF process. It is very hard to have the miscarriages. And as I'm sure you've heard from people in your orbit. Someone in my house. But, you know, 38 is kind of the deadline that they say. Yeah.

And we blew past it, as a matter of fact. And you still got it. Well, we I mean, we had to use alternative means in order. But yeah, I mean, it's it's it's very tough. It's a long journey for a lot of people. Of course. And, you know, I actually had I breastfed for a couple months, but I hated it. And, you know, there was no alternative and everyone was just like really pushing me hard to do this. Why did you hate it?

Because every two hours your tits swell up and you have to go leak them. Like I remember I was at your wife's movie premiere.

It was like the first my first venture outside of the house. And I remember I had to excuse myself and go into the sink of the bathroom and start like squeezing my tits like you can't leave your house or they start. So you have to like keep pumping. It just wasn't for me. So I kind of tell my stories about how I got off of that. And, you know, I scheduled my C-section, which maybe some people look down upon, but also I.

I had a C-section scheduled for 10 a.m. My baby was out on my chest. I was in full hair and makeup by 10.07. I've got great pics. And I knew so many people who had emergency C-sections. Right. And you know what that is, is that they want to have this like experience of giving birth. And then all of a sudden the doctor comes in and he has to, you know, slash through you really quickly because it's an emergency. And then you have this terrible scar. I mean, my C-section scar is like,

So small. Like I've actually got compliments on it. Really? This woman was giving me massage and she was like, who did your C-section scar? Ooh, Dr. Dwight. So, um, so, you know, it's not, it wasn't Dwight Schrute, was it? No, from the office. No, it was not the guy from the office.

Also, I only wanted to have one kid. Like I have a chapter called one is an accessory, two is a lifestyle. And I, you know, I was and I was very on the fence about having a kid. And for me, it was it kind of came from my therapist said to me, he said, well, you're a situational breeder. He's like, if the right situation occurs, you'll maybe you'll procreate. And I was like, yeah, that's what it is, because I could totally skip it. You know, is your therapist a robot? Yeah.

Wait, does that not mean... Disguised as a human, you are a situational breeder.

Oh, I wonder if you could do AI therapy. I wonder. I bet. I hope we get there. And then you don't have to pay him. Yeah. Yeah. Or her. Or her. Them. Come on. AI is a dude. AI is always a dude. That's the thing. I can only imagine it's going to go through the exact same things that like the labor industry has gone through, which is it'll be all men for a while. Then 100 years will go by and they'll allow AI women and.

Then there will be parody at some point, but AI women will make 40 cents on the dollar.

Oh, wait. Here's something that a doctor would never tell you that you learn from talking to friends is, you know, once you freeze your eggs and then you, you know, the guy blasts on them and then you create the embryos. It's like a whole process. I wasn't allowed to blast on them. I never got that far. Well, sometimes you get the privilege of blasting on these eggs to create embryos. They always let me into a room and I did it in a jar. Some doctors let you do it right on the egg.

Exactly on the egg, Scott. No, you're in a little cubicle watching porn. And no, but... It's weird. It is weird that all of these high class, like Beverly Hills offices have one room devoted to jerking off in them. With like porn from the 90s. Like it's just like DVDs. So one thing they... So then they start testing your embryos, you know, and they want to test these before they put them inside of you. And a lot of times...

testing can kill them and ruin it. And that's the risk you have to take.

you know, especially when you were are unable to retrieve a lot of embryos is the the testing. Sometimes you want to do it technically because you don't want to use one that is bad. But at the same time, sometimes you'll test a good one and it'll it'll destroy it because they're so delicate. It's like you put a needle in and it's ruined. So what people what the doctor won't tell you is that

You can put it up there and not test and then you'll know in a couple months if it's not turning out to be a good one and you can get an abortion. Right. You know, and that's nothing a doctor will ever tell you. If you live in the correct place. That's true. That's true. One of the three remaining states that you're allowed to do that. Oh, my God.

I just think with this whole stuff, IVF, you really just talking to your friends, hearing people's first account, you know, direct accounts and experiences is like almost as important as talking to your doctor because everyone's busy. No one's really. This is a new. Same thing with surrogacy. We talked to several friends who had gone through it. But you can either talk to your friends or you can read Natasha's book here. The world deserves my children or you can have me read it to you. Yeah. Have you ever read it to anyone personally? No.

No, Scott. No, you've always done just the audiobook version of it. I think you should offer that.

Like, you come over to someone's house for an hour a night, you know. What do you think, I'm Maria Bamford? I don't want to, like, remember Maria was, like, meeting with people in different cities and trying jokes out in a coffee shop? Out in their backyard. She is so funny. Yeah. Well, Natasha is here. It's great to have you. What's the book called again? The book is called For the 20th Time, Scott, The World Deserves My Children. Dad, excuse me.

Sorry, we're doing a show, sir. I know, I demand a platform. Scott. Step out of the shadows, sir. Who just kissed me? Who kissed my cheek? It's your father. Is this my mic? Hot mic? Testing, testing, one, two. Testing, one, two. Bob. Hey, Bob. Call me Papa. Ah.

Natasha, sorry, this is my... This is your dad? No, no, no, no, no, no. My ex-stepfather... May as well be his father. Daddy's sad today, Scott. I wish you'd have to see me like this. And by the way... I wish I didn't have to see you at all. I heard you talking. I was listening at the door to make sure I was at the right house that was doing a podcast. It could be anyone. I went to so many, so many. Uh...

And I heard you talking about the Weird Al film, IVF, which is one of my favorites. Totally different. That's UHF, Bob. Yeah. Listen. Bob, I'm sorry, Natasha. Bob was married to my mother for six months back in the- And he's still in your life? Absolutely. He demands to be in my life. You don't throw this away, this connection away. I'd like to recycle it so someone else could have the connection. I would never. Okay.

The tables have turned. Unfortunately, I can't be a pillar of male fortitude for you today because I'm very upset. I'm very, very angry and I need to express myself. I'm so sorry you're angry, Bob. I don't know that this is the correct place to do that. Yeah, we were in the middle of an interview. About what? My book and my podcast. My book is about just my trials and tribulations having a child. Yeah.

When, you know, my career, I had already kind of, you know. Peaked? Not peaked, but, you know, most of the time, like, my parents had kids, like, before they really established themselves. Oh, yeah. I mean, my mother had babies, I think, at 19. Wow. And she had my brother at, like, or at 19 and then me at 21 or something like that. And when did this guy come into your life? You were 21 when you were born? Yeah.

I wish. Wow. Be drinking first day. You were always very mature when I met you. You were very mature. What was Scott like as a child? Well, I wasn't a child. I was in my 30s. He was in his 30s, but just very childlike and very frisky. A very frisky wrestler. Look, I...

I wasn't wrestling you, Bob. I was wrestling, you know, a gentleman down at the Y. And that was a side gig for me. That's right. You were on the wrestling team? It's like a soft fight club. Sort of a wrestling team. It's like a wrestling club. Yeah. It was a hugging club, almost. Yes. But we would wrestle into some pillows and soft mats. Cardio hugging. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Yeah. So, I mean, Bob, I mean, we barely knew each other. Look, you dated my mother for six months. I was married to your mother for six months. I mean, it's... I dated her for a week. I pestered her relentlessly, day and night. But you've been on... Told her I would kill myself if she didn't marry me.

You've been interrupting me on this show for now 15 years. Oh my God. Has it been that long? Yes, it's been that long. The first time you ever did it, it was back in... It feels like just yesterday that I was pestering you. Who's done more appearances, Bob or me? I think Bob, unfortunately. But I would love to transpose this and have... Well, you know, I'm sorry that you're feeling...

lowly about this, but I have never won anything in my entire life. So this feels like an honor. And in fact, I would suggest don't ask to be invited. Just barge in. That's the only way I've been able to. You could do that, Natasha. You have barging in privileges on this show. I could just come in some Wednesday from 11 to 2 to your house. I mean, yeah. I can't guarantee I'll be doing a show then. I don't like to give away my assassination coordinates.

I like to do the show at various times. Well, it's interesting that you bring up the birthing process. I am unable to have children, and that's one of the reasons that I'm so upset. Well, I mean, you probably were able to when you were a young man. How old are you, Bob, now? I mean, you're in your... Who knows? Who knows?

But think about it. I bet I'm about 66, 67. Al Pacino, Robert De Niro, Mick Jagger, they all have newborns. Well. And they're in their 80s. Thanks for rubbing it in. One of the reasons I'm so upset is I have irregular sperm, several irregular sperm conditions. How are they irregular? They're immodal. They're oddly shaped. What shape are they in? You don't mind me asking. But.

They're in terrible shape. Well, I mean, oh, meaning like physically they're weak? Yes, yes. I see, okay. So they're not shaped, I mean, because all sperm are- Well, that too, yes. They're shaped like the thing on the Paisley shirts? Like a thrift store Paisley tie. Yes, exactly right. Exactly right. And unfortunately, you know I, much like-

the character Dalton in Roadhouse, I carry around my medical records wherever I go. I don't, I didn't know that about you and I don't know it about Dalton in Roadhouse. Oh yes, in the original Roadhouse. That's quite a schlep. Can't you just get them on your phone? No, I have a flip phone. I have no, no, I use my flip phone. Actually, I have them on my phone. They are stapled to your phone right now. What is going on? I don't know.

You know, when people say things are on their phone, they don't mean like attached to the phone. I have a Ron Jeremy phone, which is basically I have a spiral notebook of all the numbers in it.

We don't talk about him anymore on this show. Oh, why? What happened? I don't know. But several people have been banned from the show. Anyway. He's chief among them. But Bob, I did not know that about you, but we actually have to take a break, Bob. Are you planning on sticking around the entire show? I insist on it. I'd love to get a look at those medical records. I beg your pardon, young lady. I mean, you've practically announced everything that...

that you have a problem with on this show in previous appearances. I need, I need this forum to, to expel. It's just like gas or bad thoughts. There's more room on the outside than on the inside. I need to, I can't have this running around in my brain. Okay, Bob, tell you what, let's take a break. When you stick around, do you have something you need to get off your chest? Absolutely. I do. Okay. And it's not something physically on your chest, right? Because I see you unbuttoning the top of your shirt. No, no, but I do keep these defibrillator pads on my chest just in case. Yeah. Okay. I don't have the hookups to that. Oh,

You don't? Okay, no. I'll use one of the public ones. Okay, I have a car battery. That's about the extent of it. There's a bunch of Tesla defibrillator. Oh, you can go to a Tesla charging station? Yep. Oh, okay. They should have made those for when I was pumping my breast milk. Wouldn't that be great to own a Tesla and you go into the car and you're just like, okay, pump the breast and suction cups come out of the car? Yeah, come on, Elon. Come on, Elon. No more fart sounds. Let's do something that women would actually... Yes, exactly. Exactly.

We have to take a break. When we come back, Natasha, I hope you can stick around. I'm sorry that we got interrupted here and sidetracked. I guess it's family for you. Yeah, no, I mean, yeah. I consider you family now, too. Now that I've interrupted you, I consider you family. That's a low bar. You have interrupted so many people. But we have to take a break. When we come back, Natasha will be here. Bob Duca will be here. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, Natasha Leggero is here. Endless Honeymoon is the podcast that she has with her husband, Moshe Kasher, who we heard on this show earlier in the year. He had a book. He had a book and he's still mad because I haven't finished it. Oh, really? Well, I mean... It's long. It's long. And you've heard all this stuff, right? I've heard it all. His did get to be a national bestseller, though. Did it really? What number did it come in at? I don't know the number. I just know mine...

You know, because also, I just didn't want to do press. It was like so much press. He did a lot of press. He did a lot of press. He did this podcast, the rest. Yeah, I know. But yes, so we have a book, or we both have books, but more importantly, we have a podcast, the Endless Honeymoon podcast. And actually, you might like this, Bob. Bob Duca is here, my ex-stepfather. It's an advice podcast, but people call in and leave their deep, dark secrets. So if you have anonymously, you know, don't say your name. I want people to know.

I think people would know his voice, unfortunately, as well. Plus, I would rather you call into Natasha's show than come on this one. Well, I can do both. I'm free. Okay. I've got time. Yeah, I know you're free.

In fact, I don't like the impersonal nature of phone communication. Maybe I'll just show up. Oh, you like to just kind of, you're like old school. You're like the silent generation. Is that what they're called? Oh, no, you're like Boomer. No. Boomer? No, I don't think I'm Boomer. I think he's somewhere in between Boomer and the greatest generation. Oh, the greatest. I always want to call him the silent generation. Sometimes you wish they would be the silent generation. I'm from the meh generation. Okay.

That's somewhere in between there? It was a couple years before people were like... We fought in the Korean War. People were like, well, who cares? You and Hawkeye Pierce. Trapper John MD. That's right. Running Crabapple Cove. So, Bob, what has got you so riled up? I'm furious. Well, I was recently teased and heckled and ridiculed. And, Scott, as you know, I've endured many indignities in my life. I was Vincent Gallo's assistant for a while. Yeah.

I think he tried to fuck me at a party once when I first moved to LA. I'm sure he did. I'm sure he did. He was so hot. Remember him when he was like in the early days? Absolutely. I thought he was attractive. He started out as a model and then he became a sexy Republican, I think. He's a Republican now? Oh, yes. And you were his assistant? Yes. Well, I wasn't so much as an assistant. He paid me to throw lit cigarette butts at me.

He paid you for him to throw the cigarettes? Oh, okay. I thought you were throwing them at yourself. Oh, no, no, no. As like a kink or what? I don't know. He just said he just wanted that. It was like a power move. He'd be in a meeting with somebody and just be throwing cigarettes at me. So it wasn't an assistant, a traditional assistant like the animatics assistant?

uh to uh tom on yes yes of course uh no no and i also i i was a frat house chef for a while what is i don't i've never heard that term i was i could well it's exactly it's nothing dirty it's what it sounds like okay

Meaning you cooked food for people at frat houses? Yes, yes. But they made me dress like a stagecoach chef. They called me Cookie and made me dress like a stagecoach chef. Those boys get hungry, too. Absolutely, and they're mean. Mean, spoiled children. Speaking of which, I was drying out my medical records because I spilled kombucha on them, and I happened to be near a gathering of middle school electric scooter club or some sort of thing. There was these children.

vape smoking electric cigarettes and sitting on their electric scooters and they saw children love electricity they love electricity

And they saw my medical records. They saw them? Yeah, my spermatozoa reports. I see. Were you waving them around? No, I was drying them out. They were waterlogged, kombucha-logged, and I was drying them out, and they read them and started making fun of me, and they made a litany of...

horrible terms for my sperm no Bob and I cannot let it fester in my brain anymore what what are you going to do are you going to tell them off I'm just going to read them and forget about them I kind of want to hear these

Say it and then forget about it. Okay. I want to warn any children or people that are sensitive. These are disgusting and filthy and mean-spirited terms for a beautiful substance that comes out of the body. Okay. I guess we have time for this. You're going to read these? The following are terms that junior high bullies have given to my sperm. Thick piss. Onion milk. Ew.

Exactly. Beta jelly. Dick boogers. Bomb shelter shampoo. Fukushima polywogs. Three mile island dressing. Aquarium bubbles. Cum tacks. Gutter boba. Yuck putty. Alfredo Corleone. Gargoyle sweat. Genetic anomaly tokens. Spontaneous abortion confetti.

Occupy Ball Street, Foreskin Dander, Vagina Poison, Biden Vinegar, Chernobyl Minnows, Tidy Whitey Rice, Slime of the Ancient Mariner, Cock Prunes, Newt Juice, Mudder Museum Tickets, Labia Aphids, Incel Pudding, Crackle, Testicle Venom,

Gollum loogies. Cold lava. Thang sap. Primordial ooze. The stringy stuff on the inside of a banana peel. Now that is just horrendous. That's the least horrendous out of any of these. Polio dice. Tryhards. Ding dong maggots. Pizzle flakes. Lego salad. Masculinity toxins. The cane mutineers. I see you have several pages.

These were creative and very mean and verbose children. Were you taking dictation the entire time? Yes, I had to ask them to repeat this. You can imagine me sitting there and saying, now what was that again? That was horrible. Call your parents. Young man, young lady. Gilligan lava. Rudy water. Hospice grout. Forest comp. Ghost flood. Panty sand.

And ogre yogurt. Some of these are like, what's the pebble one? Like, is your jizz hard? Sometimes. Yeah. These are, I mean, they're creative. They are very creative, I will say. These were private school children.

And they just laid these into you and without... They just, right off the top of their heads. I mean, sometimes they would look on their phones and try to like, you know, go to the thesaurus and synonyms. I could see them looking things up. How long did this take? Hours. Hours. Why didn't you just walk away, Bob? My papers were very wet. I see. And I had already laid out... Sadly, Scott, I wish it ended there. No, it didn't end there? No. Oh, no, Bob. What happened? They also saw the reports on my penis. No, Bob. The following...

Are terms that these same bullies came up with for my penis. Ishtar. GooTube. Downstairs belly button. Drool noodle. Lemmy Kilmeister's mole. Downstairs belly button. The man from Waco. Thumbelina. The keystone cock. Arliss. Mouse sword. Is Arliss with the double dollar sign at the end? Yes. Yes. Okay. The flap.

Jessica. Grade school thesis. Deadwood. Kevorkian syringe. Pumpkin stem. Parrot tongue. And mummy finger.

Can you believe that? I can't believe it. Cruel and vicious and mean. These children are growing up much too fast. Yeah. And as you know, there's nothing like the cruelty of a tween. They called it Jessica at one point. Are you sure that that wasn't one of the bullies just calling, you know, addressing one of the other bullies? No, they emasculated my penis. Can you imagine?

What do you call your penis? I don't have a name for it. Tell daddy what you call your penis. No, no. Tell papa. You've asked me this every day that we've known each other. Tell papa what you call your penis. I don't have any pet names. I'll tell you what your mother and I called it. I don't know that I want to know this. You should cut this part out. Go ahead. Howard Hughes. Why? Because it was a recluse? We never saw it. Well, that was intentional. I was in my 30s. Oh, my God.

Scott, I've just been handed a piece of paper. What is this? The local news? Who's handing you papers? Apparently, they also saw information on my perineum. You know what that is, don't you? The taint, yes. Colloquially known as the taint.

Now I'm seeing these for the first time. So they weren't addressing you with these. They must have tracked me down. So they've emailed these. To be fair, I told them where they could find me, but because I demanded an apology. Oh, I see. Okay. So instead of an apology, the following are terms that these horrible, mean spirited children called my perineum Reno, the haunted esplanade, tapeworm doormat, prolapse hammock,

Cuck sidewalk. Haunted foyer. The unwipable Molly Brown. Library desk. Kazoo paper. The swollen gate bridge. Varicose biscotti. The crustaceo gentleman.

The Grime Meridian. This is just horrible. The Billy Idol Sneer. Why would they email something like this to you? Why do they know that reference? You can have a protracted perineum? No, it holds my prolapse, they're saying. Yeah, hopefully they didn't read a report on that. Fudge Trellis. Okay. Equator Bacon. Buffalo Suede. Poot Leather. Appalachian Trampoline. Okay.

Elbow skin. And Wookiee saddle. That must really hurt. It hurts. It does feel better to share that. I appreciate this forum. Are you going to email them back? I hate to think that you're going to strike up a correspondence. I think that's... Listen.

I don't know. What is that? It's restorative justice. I believe in restorative justice. So I think if I can become embedded with these tweens. I don't know that you're going to embed yourself in them. I've signed up for a scooter class. I'm going to learn how to ride a scooter. Okay. What do you think the basics are? For riding a scooter? Yeah. It seems kind of easy. Like, I don't know that you would have to take a class. Well, I think you have to have a credit card, don't you? Oh, I see. Okay.

Actually, here's an idea. Okay. You have money, right? Not laying around. What if we made a scooter sidecar for me and I could just attach it to these children and then we're hanging out. Picture, if you will, a young person. I don't know what they wear. Baggy pants. I don't know what the styles are these days. Backpack on the front. Something stupid. And then there's Bob in a sidecar. Sure. My knees up to my chin. Yeah.

Some goggles on like Robert De Niro wore in Killers of the Flower Moon. Just whizzing along and I'm imparting advice to them. And, you know, it's one of these things where at first they're, you know, of course it's going to be like a Goodwill hunting situation where they're lashing out, but it turns out they're in pain because hurt people.

Hurt people, yeah. Oh, you know that one? No, I do. Yeah, I've heard that before. I worry you're never going to get past the just lashing out part. I don't know that they would give you consent to attach your sidecar to their scooters. But they're junior high children. Do I need their consent if they're young? Oh, yeah. No. Oh, even more so. Yeah.

Even if it's a public space? I believe that that's private property of theirs, is their own personal space. You know what they say, you know, the right to throw your fist around ends at someone's nose. In a crowded firehouse, in a crowded theater? Yes. Yeah, exactly. Something like that. Well, I do feel much better. I feel like I've been purged and...

If these children are listening, you know, this is a very youth-oriented format. I don't, I can tell you they're not. Really? Yeah, I mean, podcasts, they were a youth-oriented, and now they're for everyone, I believe. So I believe they're... TikTok?

Do you do TikTok? I don't do TikTok. You may have more luck if you go on something like Call Me Daddy or something like that. Oh, that's it. Call Me Daddy. Yeah, just burst into... Yeah, I mean, and that's what you've asked of me to do. Okay, yes. Ever since I've known you. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Did Scott ever call you Daddy? No. Yeah, I've called him... The closest we got is Mr. Daddy, which is way too formal for me. I called him by the palindromic Bob most of our relationship, which, again...

I was out of the house at the time. I believe I saw you three times that entire time. But weren't they glorious? Christmas, Thanksgiving, and then that time I was in the hospital. Why were you in the hospital again? I mean, I knew you were- I was tired. I was so tired. Yeah. After Thanksgiving and Christmas, that can wear- Oh, the holidays wear everybody out. Yeah. So when did you check yourself in again? Well, it was right after, it was actually, it was between-

Thanksgiving and Christmas. Oh, right. I had too much stuffing. I had too many carbs at Thanksgiving. They talk about a tryptophan coma. You went into an actual one. They talk about what? A food coma. Oh, yes. Yeah. Yes, I did. Yeah. Yeah. Give Papa another kiss. You gave me a kiss and I really do not want. This is sweet. I so appreciate you. You.

You smell like formaldehyde for some reason. I don't know why. I rub myself in formaldehyde. Oh, that makes sense. That's right. Sunscreen irritates my skin. Okay. So formaldehyde keeps me looking 67. Yeah, keeps you looking fresh. Also, if something, God forbid, if something were to happen to you, you were hit by a bus or something, it's like pre-gaming it for the funeral. Exactly. Yes. Yes. I want an open casket of...

No matter what the circumstances. I have a fetal position casket. And I want to...

Wait, that's kind of a cool idea. Right? Wait, are open caskets really still a thing? Oh, yes. It's so morbid. Very morbid, yes. It makes sense, you know, not the open casket thing, but the fetal position one, because I'm a side sleeper. So why are you telling me I'm going to have to go to my eternal reward? Yes. Lying on my back. Yeah, fuck that. So uncomfortable. Yeah, exactly. Put me on my side. Absolutely. And I'm going to get one of those...

dumb Instagram pillows that has a slot for your hand that you can, you know, for side sleepers. Yeah. You're going to get one of those for when you're, when you're my casket. Yes. Yeah. And you have money, right? These are very expensive. Again, I don't have a disposable income. Hmm. Does that make sense? Hmm. I sense that you're just waiting for me to back down. And I, I, the silence technique is not going to work on me this time, Bob.

I've got nothing but patience. I know you do, but unfortunately our listeners don't. We are coming up on a break. Okay. I mean, I have some money. Is that what... There we go.

I'll see what I can do, Bob. Tell Daddy how much money you have. No, I... The tables really have turned. Let's talk about Papa's funeral. Are you close, by the way, Bob? To what? To death? Every day. We all are. Every day I wake up, I'm shocked. I can't believe it. One of these days, the shock is going to actually give you a heart attack, which then is going to lead to your demise. Well, hopefully I'll be near one of those Tesla charging stations and it won't be a problem. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, Bob, we have to take a break. Are you leaving? Do we go away when there's a break?

I don't. Natasha doesn't. I don't know what you're up to. Okay. Because your eyes just... I'm scared of going into... Because now that I'm putting myself into the ether of this medium, do I disappear a little bit when we take a break? Well, sort of. I mean, people are listening to something that occurred in the past. Oh, God. So, you know, who knows what you're up to in the present? Several of my medical conditions are because of the ravages of time travel. Oh, really? Which ones? Yeah.

clock talk okay look we don't have time for another list it would take me a while to think of all that sure yeah but uh we do have to take a break uh are you leaving or are you sticking around oh i've got nowhere to go yeah i figured um and natasha you'll be here we have someone from the corrections industry coming up uh yeah it's an wide swath of guests here great book uh the corrections industry or the corrections

Are they different? The corrections industry is the prison system, I believe. Al Franzen? Yeah.

I think it's Jonathan Franzen and Al Franken is who you're conflating. Tomato, tomato. Yeah, but we need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have someone from the corrections industry. We also have Natasha Leggero. We also have Bob Duca, I guess. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Natasha Leggero is here. The book is called The World Deserves My Children in paperback now. I wish I would have named it Buffalo Suede, though. Yeah, I know. Once you hear something like that, you get a little jealous. Yeah. And here's the person whose sperm was called Buffalo Suede. No, that was actually his taint. That was the Perineum. Okay. Bob Duca is also here. Hello. First time on the show in a while. Mm-hmm.

Not because, not my doing. I've moved it around a bit. It's sort of like one of those- It took me forever to find you. Secret bars. Yeah, exactly. But I always find you. Yeah, you do. That's right. How do you find me? Because I'm pretty untraceable. I think we're genetically connected now because the bond that we formed as father and son

is a forever bond. Do you just go to every house shouting Scott? I do. Okay. That's what I thought. All right. Well, we need to get to our next guest. Um, this is exciting because, uh, I, I don't know a lot about, uh, the prison system. Uh, there's always so many interesting questions that occur from it are, are too many people in, in jail for offenses that they shouldn't be in. It has become an industry that, uh,

You know, people are making too much money off of in order to, you know, they want to keep people in prison rather than, you know, letting them out. So many questions that we have to ask this person. Please welcome for the first time on the show, the executioner. Hello. Hello there. Thanks for having me. Hello. Yeah. The executioner. I'm the executioner. I see.

Right. Right, yes. Welcome to the show. It's a pleasure to be here. Nice to meet you. Hello. Bob Duker. Hello, Bob. Have you ever killed children? Right off the bat, huh? Getting right to the nitty gritty of it. Works work. You know, paycheck's a paycheck. Yeah. If the gods say you must go, the swing of an axe I do throw.

That's really still a thing? Absolutely. You're chopping off people's heads? I'm killing all the nasty people. Well, where do you work exactly? I work all over. Oh, I see. So you're a traveling executioner. Right, right. You know, if there's a bad man here, I go there. If there's a bad man there, I go here. Here. Flights up, all that. Where are you from? I mean, you have

a bit of an accent. Right, right. You see this bag on me, Ed? Yeah, yeah. I was going to bring that up. It's got like little eye holes. Right. Big black bag on me, Ed. Yeah. It's got like a hangman's noose almost around to cinch it up. Right, so you can't see up my neck.

Yeah. Right. Now, this gives me a level of anonymity, right? Uh-huh. So I prefer to not tell you my first name. Okay. As a person who kills for a living, I'd like to be able to have a bit of privacy. I see. But where'd you grow up? I grew up all over... Street name? The UK. Okay, the UK. Yes, right. What part of the UK? What are we talking? Leeds?

Chisleberry. Chisleberry. Right, right. What was your street address? 14 Lonely Road. Okay, and first pet's name? Are you trying to get into my passwords? Maybe. The cheeky bastard over here. May I ask a question? Sure. When is chisleberry season?

Because I do enjoy that jam so very much. It comes right after the solstice, right? But it's a very small window. It seems like it's like four days a year, and then the grocery stores are out of it. And then all the birds are pecking at them. You can't get any of them. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's a small window, a sweet fruit. I love it. Yeah. I love my sweets. Do you have, um, hi. Hello. Do you have like a favorite execution that you've performed? Sometimes it's not really up to me, but, uh, sometimes I do get to you of, of,

of the way in which a man dies i sometimes do it i mean you have your axe right here right uh which by the way we have a no weapons policy here i i uh i could take you outside take me outside no that's just making you uncomfortable but it's a bit of a third arm if you understand uh i suppose so i'm just so used to it yeah no go ahead i just in the future if you ever return

I prefer that you come unarmed. Understood. Probably won't, but I do hear you. I want you to feel urged. Sure. Okay. Right. So you get to choose. Sometimes I get to choose, right? And if I do get to choose, I like to have a bit of fun sometimes, right? Sometimes I do keep it a bit cheeky, right? Get an RC car, tie it to some nipples, and drive as fast and far as the battery will take it.

Whoa. That seems horrible. That seems inhumane. Death is nothing but horrificness. I guess you're right. There is no good way to be killed if you're a nasty, nasty person. Yeah. You all end up in the same place. Right. Yeah. But what if they're innocent? It's not up to me, right? I'm not the jury. I'm not the king. I'm not the democracy. Yeah.

You're not doing this for the U.S. government, it seems. No, no, no. These are for my... I was born with a bag on me head. Really? Right out of the womb. Is that a placenta? No. I wish. I wish, because that means something could eat it and get rid of it. I tell you, I've dated some women that I wish were born with bags on their head, if you know what I mean. Do you want a high five right now, or what? I don't know. I'd be afraid I'd break your little tiny arm. Oh, hey, now.

It's small compared to me. You are incredibly small. I'm about 8'4", which of course, if I'm not, you know, it really means I'm 7'9". I know, yeah. You're too big, though.

though excuse me i mean it's too it's too big for a human being i'm worried you're gonna like a breeze will will you know topple i'm quite sturdy at the base look at me calves you are swaying yeah you're like buildings that you know i know they're earthquake proof but you watch them sway in the breeze if you give them enough bend they keep on sturdy and my hips got plenty of bends yeah you are doing sort of a shakira kind of thing whatever wherever

That doesn't help. Sorry. The comparison. I love me a song now and then. What's your karaoke song? These are great questions, Bob. Superstar by the Carpenters. Oh. Right? Don't you remember you told me you love me, baby? Long ago and oh so far away. I don't know this song. I feel excluded. I don't know this song. We are absolutely in sync, love. I love it.

Do you know Karen Carpenter? Oh, yes. Okay, then you should know one of her most famous songs. She was a musician. I guess he doesn't remember the Tommy Coder Baby, right? Yeah, I guess not. That's a reference, Bob. All I know is Calling Astronauts for Interest Out of the Grand Arena. That's the only Carpenter song you know? Yes.

It's a bit of a deep cut then, isn't it? It is. Do you only listen to songs that are 10 minutes long? I listen to Meatloaf. Long, right. I listen to Rush. So you must love Maggot Brain by Funkadelic. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Absolutely. A horror-y guitar solo. Exactly. Really. So what are some of the methods you've used, the executioner, to kill people, if you don't mind? I mean, I do hit some of the classics, right? You know, axe to the neck, sword to the neck, beheadings. Shooting someone and mailing the bullets?

to their relatives. I've done that, yeah. Yeah, that's a fun one. It's really fun. You know, some of my favorites is the big wheel where you turn somebody till they're just gone. There's spikes through the back. There's pole arms. There's small swords, daggers, big daggers. One time I split a man in half by putting him over my head, right? And I put his top half, I threw him on top of a mountain and he crawled all the way down the mountain to find his lower half and by the time he found it, he was dead.

Gosh, what a terrible story. But the tenacity on this guy. Poor girl. You'd be surprised. Most of them are lads. Not killing a lot of ladies. Well, that's, I mean, is that a biological thing? Natasha, have you ever been close to killing anyone?

No, but I do think testosterone is probably one of the driving forces and what makes people bad. Sure, right. High T individuals like myself. I'm safe. Either way. I'm safe. You have negative T. Negative T, yep. What's your number? Oolong. Golden T, then. Nice. Well, speaking of killing women, are you dating anyone right now? You know...

As I can't take my bag off my head, it's very hard to find a proper lover, right? It is a sort of...

I guess, underbelly to this whole thing, right? This whole job that kind of... Not allowed in a pub, right? Not allowed in a church, right? Not allowed in certain drive-thrus or in and out and all that stuff. You know, it's quite a bit of a lonely existence, but... I suppose there's a sense of mystery about what does he look like under there? I bet he's handsome. People always try to know. That's why I keep the noose nice and tight, scuzzy. Yeah. You've looked at yourself, right? In a mirror, of course I have. Yeah, well, I mean, you...

what do you look like? Why is it important to you? I base, I sort of, you know, base my, what I think about people based on their looks. Right. Like if they're good looking, I think they're good people. Sort of humanoid, right? Maybe a bit of facial hair, you know. Humanoid? That's a low bar. Well,

Come on, man. You know, beat you a little bit deeper than that. Why don't you ask me about my hobbies? What are your hobbies? Right now, it's a ton of things. I've got two big things right now on the docket. Right now, I'm trying to do a seed and spark for a Blues Brothers 2000 remake. I've been working on the script for quite some time. What are we calling this one? 2025?

I just saw it called it Bruce Butters 2000, right? Yeah, it's a reboot. It's a reboot. You will never get Jim Belushi. Excuse me, what? You will never get Jim Belushi. I don't think so. Do you have some Jim Belushi intel that we don't know? He was the patron saint of Wet Day, by the way. Do you know Wet Day? Have you celebrated Wet Day, Bob? I don't know Wet Day. Wet Day, April 10th?

Did you just ask me? I don't know. It seems like out of anyone I know, you would be celebrating wet day. It's a holiday that Paul F. Tompkins and I created two years ago. No. All I know is that... What happens on it? Everyone gets as wet as they can. That's cute. Sure. May 11th, what's the date? April 10th. April 10th. So it's passed for 2024, but 2025 is right around the corner. May your next wet day be proper. Yes, that's right. But speaking of wet, you've been wetting...

people's shirts with their blood by killing them. Absolutely. I get them drained. Sometimes I kill a lull, right? I bloodlet them first and then they die, right? Yeah. Do something like that. Maybe you drain them out. You suck the blood out through the teeth of a snake. Something real fun. So do you like this kind of work or were you just born into it? Not at all, really. Not at all. It's gotten a bit old. If I'm being honest, it's gotten a bit old. Sorry, I don't mean to laugh at you. Please don't take offense. It's fine. Everybody does. We're laughing with you. You don't have to lie.

I get it. I'm the underbelly of society. I get it. Look, you know, yes, we're born into certain stations in this life, but you could do anything with your existence on this earth, and you could choose another path. I don't know. Bags on my head, paychecks are paycheck, jobs are job, all that. What do you do with your money? Are you like Jay Leno where you don't spend your execution money? Yeah.

Yeah, I just kind of keep it in a warehouse. Remember when I went to see you on his show? Why'd you come? I wanted to see you. Really? Yeah. That's so sweet. And during the break, he didn't talk to you at all. He just stared straight ahead. During the break? Yeah. You were there, like, backstage? Yeah. No, I was in the audience. You brought your parents. No, I brought... You brought somebody. I brought someone who was probably in town. Yeah, that wasn't just like, I'm going to go see Natasha. I may have asked you for the tickets.

Because to impress someone who was in town. Oh, I can get into the Tonight Show and I know this person. Glad I could help. You did great. Thank you. But anyway, do you spend your execution money? Jay Leno spends his execution money on cars.

But it's Nigel Money, still in that bank. Honestly, a lot of my money does go to a bit of my second hobby, right? What's that? I do love to do a bit of gardening. Oh, really? I'm actually in charge of a community garden right now. Oh, that's fun. And I like to put a lot of money into the community and get all the seeds right and all the plants lovely and stuff like that. I suppose there's a lot of...

between these two jobs. You're like cutting off heads and you're cutting flowers. Exactly. You know, pruning a plant's really no different than pruning a human. Yeah, if you're used to, like you work your way up, like, you know, how serial killers start by, you know, killing animals and then they work their way up to humans. You started with plants, I bet.

My first murder was indeed a human, right? And I was just looking for a bit of therapy to kind of get past the nightmares and all that. And I found a beautiful community garden in a place called Cushtopia. Wait, you're from Cushtopia? I'm not from there, but I do travel through the portal to keep the garden up. I'm growing kush. Where is it? Oh, it's a weed situation? No, it's an alternate dimension that I think the currency is based on weed. I've heard about...

I'm growing a weed over in Cushtopia. You're growing the weed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, so you smoke pot and you're still able to kill people for a living? Well, when I do my job... Doesn't weed make you kind of chill out? It does, right? It's more of a reward than an all-day thing. I'm not a waking baker, love. I'm sort of awake till later. You know what I mean?

I really don't want to know that much about Couchtopia, but how did you find yourself in there? I'm roommates with a man who turns into a motorcycle. I've had that guy on the show before. He's a real nice guy. What was his name? Marty Motorcycle. Marty Motorcycle. Right, right. He was sort of like a transformer, but he turns into a motorcycle. Exactly, right, right. And he's not a robot the rest of the time? Is he a human being? No, he lives his life mostly as a human, right? He's a bit of a gun enthusiast, he is. But when he needs to, he can turn his flesh into a motorcycle and...

All over. Yeah. So where'd you meet this fellow? Oh, I found him on Craigslist, right? I was doing some work in the south of Wales and I needed a place to stay for a couple of weeks. He had a flat open. We got to know each other. He said he had a way to get into interdimensional portals through warlocks. And so I took him up on it. I found this place called Cush-topia, right? I've heard this story a million times. Right, right, right. It's a beautiful place. Is it?

what is it really yeah it is i thought you're gonna ask a deeper question about it well oh really what did you think i was gonna i don't know i thought you'd just be curious about what really goes on i i am i'm the opposite of curious about kushtopia it's so strange i have questions yeah great i love this is kushtopia like a village do you have can you like walk to a

Place to get coffee. The easiest way to describe it is a bit of an alternate Earth, right? Imagine 65 million years ago, right? If there was a comet that hit the Earth and caused it to split into two different dimensions, right? It's parallel. It's similar. But there's a bit of differences here and there. Mostly everything's gush. Earth.

Right? It's a bit socialist. We don't have jobs, but we do do jobs. Yeah. Yeah, mostly everything's cush, but there is metal, like the train is made of metal. It's not made of cush. Now, when you say everything's cush, do you mean like it's actually made of cush? Because it also sounds like saying it's cush. I love that you're so curious about this. It means a lot to me. I want you to know that right now. It's a place I spend a lot of time, and it's very important to me. Most things are made of nugs. Yeah.

Physical nugs, love. Okay. Did you come on here to talk about Custopia? No, I can't even talk about my execution. It seems like we abandoned that midway through your interview. I was just talking about me all day. Well, I will say this is now the most interesting thing about him. True, true. Is it a real place? Yes, it's a real place. It's not in like AI, like you don't have to put on goggles. No, you got to go through a portal that a warlock controls. At first I thought it was fake, but so many guests have come on here talking about it.

It's a wonderful place. You can book a trip at any time. It kind of sounds like taking ayahuasca or something. Yeah, I mean, it's a lot like, you know, some people say when you do psychedelics, all you're really doing is stepping into another dimension. But are you allowed to do psychedelics in Couchtopia, or is it all Couch? You can do them. They've got them. There's Mushroomland, of course, in Couchtopia. You know, I've mentioned before, there's Methopotamia. You've mentioned this before? Yes, I have.

Cheeky. To someone, I wouldn't imagine. To someone, yes. Right. I mean, I don't mean to make it too much about it. You just asked about my hobby. What's the warlock's name? There's several warlocks. Oh, it's any... Okay. It's just a job. It's like a ferryman. It's like a train driver, a conductor. What is parking like in Couch Topia? There's so much. Really? There's so much. Most people get around on a train. So it's a bit of like heaven...

Are there any problems there? Is there political unrest? I'm trying to say, can I come? I want to go. I'm trying to say, can Bob go? We can get you there, Bob. As long as you don't tussle any too many feathers, we can get you across right away. Literally tussled.

Because I have a broken down comforter that I have to sleep in. When you get to Cush-topia, man, I bet we can find you a real nice bed made of cush. Some real stinky, fluffy stuff. Mr. Executioner? Yes, you don't have to raise your hand, love. It's very kind. Do they judge you there? Because usually, you know... It makes you paranoid when you're, you know... Yeah, and I would think that people who are kind of...

in a portal. Yeah. Are there judges? Is there a legal system? I mean, I think you can get in trouble, right? Like if you do something too bad, like it will be a bit of a prison sentence. Have you ever executed anyone there? I keep work and my hobbies separate, Scott. But have you ever seen an execution there? Honestly, yeah.

I have. So you've gone to executions. And I've got some notes, Scott. It was a bit boring. It was a bit boring, a bit mundane for me. Really? You flash it up? Let's get back to the executions. Yeah, fine. You make them flashy as you try to put a little showbiz in them? If it's my time to shine, right? I want to be a bit creative. I've fucking chopped so many necks with an axe, Scott. So let's make it a bit better, right? Costume changes. Ha ha ha.

What share? You know, as long as the costume's neck and down, I'm allowed to wear whatever I want, right? But typically, I try to pick something that maybe the assailant's afraid of, right? Maybe they got scared by the movie Spawn as a young lad, so I'll dress up as the John Leguizamo clown from Spawn.

You know, it's hard to know if costumes translate from the neck down. So much of costumes are based on what the face looks like. Right, right. I mean, maybe Superman, Batman, Spider-Man. I feel like you don't really need the face, right? Yeah, but a clown figure. Like, which clown are we talking about? The John Leguizamo clown from Spawn. No, I know, but would you know that that was...

John Leguizamo or Pennywise? He's so rotund. It's mostly about how round he is and how big he is. Point taken. He's got a big old ass, that clown. I hadn't noticed. Yes, Bob? Do you... When you're about to chop somebody's head off, do you ever say anything real badass right before you do it? Do you think of a pun beforehand or...

I really like puns, right? I don't think it's the... It's not really my strong suit. I did try it out for a little bit, like, this time you're chopped, and then I hit it off. That's... I mean, I don't even know if that...

Qualifies as a pun? I mean... Like, one time, right, there was this guy, right, and he was a bad man, right? He had stolen all these rubies and jewels and whatnot. And I found out that one of his things that he hated was classical music, right? So I played some classical music right before I chopped his head off. And right before he died, I said, you won't be Bach.

Oh. It's not bad. And, you know, a lot of people didn't like it, a lot of eye rolls and stuff, so I did kind of move away from the pun-based cues, right? Are most of these executions public? Yes, most of them are, right? A very, very small percentage of these happen behind closed doors. I have to be held responsible for what I'm doing, right? Do they ever have, like, an opening act? Yeah, sometimes I have, like, four guys come out. Natasha has a great hour. Ha!

Sometimes I get like four up-and-comers coming out, right? Some people just so really need it and will just kind of take the hit. I can pay them less. So you're lifting up people. You're giving people a hand up. Absolutely. You've got to create a future for executioners, right? Right. So when you say openers, they're killing people as well.

Yeah, they're doing the kind of more boring lesser crimes, petty theft. They're executing them for that. Yeah, grand theft auto, stuff like that. Copyright infringement. They're executing people for copyright infringement. If they do enough, if they do enough. Really? Yeah, right. I mean, Robin Thicke, you know, the Marvin Gaye copyright, the blurred lines thing. Oh, right, right.

They should have executed him. Robin's on the list. Is he really? He's on the list. Well, he's here in America. It's a hard list to crack. That reminds me. You could go on The Masked Singer.

You think so? Yes, you could be the... Never minded you? Long ago. Well, he seems so sad when he's in our realm. He can't go anywhere, but he could be a contestant on The Masked Singer. Yeah. And then you could... You think people will vote for me if they know what I've done? All the nasty things and all the interesting ways I've killed people. They don't have to know. You're just a character. Do you think that regular people go on The Masked Singer? Well, he's got a mask on his head. What?

And then you can sing your beautiful song. And then at the finale, kill Robin Thicke. Throw in Jenny McCarthy, too, if you want. I mean...

What'd she do? Hey, if I can hit Ken Jeong in there too, I might as well, right? Just do a clean sweep across all four of them. Yeah, a big sweep. Leave Nick Cannon alone, though. I would never. Do not touch him. Drumline was a very important movie to me as a young lad. Was it really? Yeah, I joined the drumline as a young boy. Did you? Couldn't see the drums because of the bag. Ah. It was tough. An age-old story. Mm-hmm. Well, Executioner, or The Executioner. I prefer The Executioner.

Okay, the Executioner. I appreciate you coming on the show. I guess I'm not too interested in the Couchtopia stuff. It hurts to hear. I do like it there. I know you like it there, but I mean, you know... You don't mind if I blaze on air, do you? Yeah, I guess you could blaze. Is a 420 friendly house here? Yeah, sure. Whatever you need to do. Cool. All right, sit in my bong real quick. Just pack it up. Real quick? Okay, yeah. You're not in Couchtopia now, are you?

No, no. It's a portal thing. Why do I know so much about it? It's crazy. It's crazy. I think you might secretly want to do this. Bob, though, I would love to send you to Cush Topia. If we could send Bob there, the show would pay for it. I can't do any drugs of any sort, but I do need a place to stay. It might be toughy. I mean, a lot of the clouds is Cush, right? It's Cush smokes. You might get high just walking around. Yeah, why can't you do drugs, Bob? You might like a little bit of weed. I go insane. Oh. Yes.

Yeah. Insane out, like. You were loud and were crazy and were saying things. I crawl up and I go, no, no, no. Somebody take me to Sacramento. I need to get back to Sacramento. You have cannabis-induced schizophrenia, don't you? Among other kinds of induced schizophrenia. Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

It's a terrible existence for him. But still, I'd love to send you there. Yeah, we can get a paperwork in order and go and ship him out. You got a passport, right, Bob? Oh, you need... So this is like an actual paperwork kind of thing. This is like you need a visa. This isn't just like some funny thing, right? I don't know that much about it. It's like a fully operating world with laws and understandings and stakes and lines. So you have border agents...

You know, like stamping your passport. The warlock does hand a lot of that bureaucracy. Okay, it's a funny place. Why don't you just live there? I mean, I've got killing to do.

But you hate it. I do, but as long as this bag's on my head. I guess, but why not take the bag off while you're in Custopia and just stay there? Doesn't sound like there's money. No, there's not. There's no currency. There's not. It's like a socialist country where everyone just like... Everybody just kind of hangs out, but they do do their job because they understand that it's a bit of social responsibility to keep things moving. Sure.

Sure, so there are train conductors Right Everyone just kind of does their job because they enjoy it Yeah, right, and they know that people need to use the train to do it all So why don't you just go there and stay there? I've never thought about that You've never thought about it? No, I just had this bag on my hand and I said Jobs are jobs, paychecks are paychecks And they hit me on my page and they say This man needs to die Just go there, go to Custopia Yeah, fuck being a proletariat Fuck it You know what, you're right

Yeah, of course I'm right. You're fucking right, mate. Yeah. Go to Coustopia with the rest of, you know, Motorcycle Manny or whatever. It's my motorcycle, Mr. Toots, Kuda Supercomputer. Come on, man. Yes, all these guests who can, as far as I'm concerned, can go off to Coustopia and we never have to hear from them ever again.

I think there should be a podcast just from Couchtopia. I don't agree. Scott, you have time to do another podcast. I love that it activates Scott so much. Several guests have been on this show over the past year or so advocating for a CBB Presents episode based in Couchtopia. It might be like three years, honestly. Is it three years? It might be like two free years. And I'm not falling for it. I think it'd be my funny show, right? Just a little train ride around Couchtopia and you see a bunch of different characters there.

fun it's improvised Lisa Gilroy said it could be a good time yeah I would like that but I do got a couple executions I gotta get out of the way before I who are you executing uh Polly Shore all right

Because of the Richard Simmons thing? Yeah. All right. Makes sense. I actually knew a guy who auditioned for that. Oh, interesting. Didn't get it? Didn't raid for it. Oh, okay. Might have been a blessing in disguise. I think so. All right. Well, guys, we're running out of time, unfortunately. No, let's do 50 more. I know. We're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. It is now time to build the plug bag.

All right. I know I said under a minute and everyone was doing 59 seconds. Now even 40 seems long. Yeah.

But I loved it. It was great. That was The Plug Bag Experience by Permo. Thank you so much to Permo. If you have a plugs theme, go head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and upload your songs. Thank you so much to Permo. And guys, what are we plugging? Natasha, obviously the Endless Honeymoon podcast. Is that a weekly show? It's a weekly show. Check it out. It's on YouTube.

wherever you get your podcasts. Also, check out my book, The World Deserves My Children, critically acclaimed. Let's get that up to a bestseller, too. Oh, yeah, that can happen. That can happen, yeah, especially in the paperback, you know? And, like, weirder things have happened, you know? If I could get a bestseller without doing 900 podcasts, that would be... Well, I appreciate you don't want to do any other podcasts, but you come back to this one for your 10th appearance. Of course. I appreciate that. Always lovely to have you.

And Bob, what? Well, if anybody needs to find me, I will be here. I live here now. I had mail delivered here. So legally, I'm a resident. Also, I'd like to plug. I have a podcast called Full Throttle with Bob Duca. That's right. When's the next episode? Because I've been hearing rumors about one for over a year. Well, I would love to talk to you about that. Okay. So we'll have a conversation afterwards. Wait, you're producing his podcast? I...

He can't get enough of me. I get these episodes delivered to me. That's right. And I put them up for just curiosity's sake, if anyone is interested in them. And they go in the CBB Presents episode. I think you put up three or so. You miss your father, don't you? You miss Papa. I miss Papa. I don't know that I miss you.

Also, some friends of mine do a podcast called College Town, also on Comedy Bang Bang World. Oh, that's a good show. You're friends with those guys. I have friends. Bebo and Jan? Bebo and Jan. You're friends with them? Mm-hmm. Okay. Where did you come from? Don't ask them if I'm friends with them. Oh, I see. But I am friends with them. All right. Yeah, that's a really funny show, College Town. And what's the premise of it again? It's a townie and a college professor in a college town. And then we have guests from each town.

They have. I think I got residual kushed from our friend. Okay. I hope you're not going crazy. The schizophrenia is already starting.

And it's an interview. It's a whole world. It's a little bit like a mild Couchtopia. Yeah, I mean, it's Couchtopia without all the pot references, I would imagine. Right. Okay, that's wonderful. Collegetown comes out every week at CBB World. Dot com. Dot com, of course, a great show. And then The Executioner, what do you want to plug?

Oh, right. I'm doing an execution at Week 2 Coachella at the Sahara Tent. Check that out. Next year? Yeah. Oh, I just thought of something. You should go do executions at Burning Man. Right. Yeah, I'll get out to the playa. Everybody think it's performance art. Don't execute Moshe. I won't. I won't. Okay, promise her. I promise. Promise Scott. I promise. Promise me too. I promise. That would break my heart. Hey, with no hearts broken here, love, anyways.

You can follow a good nice boy named Jacob Wysocki on the internet. Listen to his podcast. Go and follow his YouTube channel. He just released a new short film called Tunnel Rave. It's very fun. I've got to check that out. What's the name of your Instagram? My friend's Instagram? Yeah, your friend's. It's Jacob Wysocki.

And what's his podcast? He's got a couple podcasts. You can listen to Expo Exposé on the EWIF. And of course, you can listen to Chris Terpy on Comedy Bang Bang World. That's not happening anytime soon. But what is happening soon is the 2024 Comedy Bang Bang Tour. Bang Bang Into Your Mouth Tour. What are we doing? We're doing Boston for two nights.

Brooklyn for two nights, Philadelphia, Washington, D.C., Durham, Atlanta, St. Louis, Nashville, Tucson, Phoenix, San Diego, Salt Lake City, Denver, Austin, Dallas, Toronto, Royal Oak, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Madison, St. Paul, Sacramento, Oakland, Portland for two shows, Seattle and Vancouver happening all summer long. Head over to CBBWorld.com slash tour and Paul F. Tompkins and I will be out there. Plus the CBB All-Stars will be out there.

We're coming to the town near you, so we want to see you. All of those shows, the ticket links are available up there. And while you're there, you know, check out the shows like College Town and The Neighborhood Listen and CBB Presents, not Kooshtopia. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Johnna.

We've entered the room and there's nobody left. The party's all but done. We look to the door and we go to the left. The party's almost done. So then we open up the door, but that's not the fun part.

Because you know just what we're gonna do. We're gonna...

You know what I say? I like that a lot. Yeah? All right. That was Closing Up the Plug Bag, parentheses, Ja Na Na Remix by Sean Fogle. Very apropos for Cushopia. Is that the music that's playing in Cushopia, pretty much? Actually, reggae wasn't discovered until Mr. Toots came to America for the first time. I don't remember that. That is canon love. We didn't have it. Now it's there at every Ting-I-Ree. I don't think you're allowed to do that.

Guys, I want to thank you so much. Natasha, it's always wonderful to see you both personally and professionally. Me too. I'll let you know if I'm doing Leno again. I mean, I wouldn't put it past him to come back. You can bring Bob. Okay. And Bob. You can bring the executioner. Maybe he'll get it right this time. I'd love to kill Jay Leno. He's Tom Soon.

Executioner, great to see you. Soon, I'm sure. I don't know about that, but thank you to all of our guests, and we'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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