Moshe Kasher, Carl Tart, Vic Michaelis
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Me and you, pee and poo, it's time to ruin the family stew, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Piss Pants Magoo for that catchphrase submission. God, they get worse and worse with each passing year. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. This is a podcast. This is the podcast. It used to be the podcast where we talked to interesting people. Too many podcasts started doing that. The people got too interesting. We had to move on. It's now Humanities Podcast, parentheses, and the Animal Kingdoms.

We may move on to plant life at some point, but welcome to it. My name is Scott Aukerman. I am the host, and we have a great show coming up a little lady. That's right. We do have a little lady. We have a commercial spokesperson coming up a little later. We also have a magical being. That's very exciting.

So we're really running the gamut here of guests. But hey, look, stars are back. The strike is over and stars are back. Yes, during the strike, we had a lot of authors and this happens to be an author. We had a lot of comedians touting their specials. He's a comedian. He has specials. But look, he is a star nonetheless. He had a TV show. Yeah.

Should I go? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. How many eps? I would call it a six run ep on what is now the Comedy Central. Six ep run. A six ep run on what is now the Comedy Central app. That's right. I saw it on Comedy Central proper, I believe. No, it was on Comedy Central proper. Yeah. But is Comedy Central more than an app at this point? I don't know what it is at this point. It's a brand. I'm here to take it down a notch. That's right. He's here to take it down at least one notch. Should have given me that seventh ep.

You really wanted seven? And they just said, no, we're going to leave it at six, which is a more traditional order. You were upset. I said, my vision for a talk show is seven episodes, and they wouldn't even allow that. He also rapped in that show. I saw him rap with... That was a colossal mistake. Let me just... I can say that. I remember the first step.

it was you and another white person rapping. Well, it was MC Search. Yeah. Which is all right, from third base. The idea of the bit was wouldn't it be funny to do a rap about cultural appropriation by two white rappers? Yes. So it was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, but it was not

No, I didn't read it that way. It was read as like, we are cool. I read it as tongue firmly out of cheek going to anyone who... So you liked the bit, Scott? I loved it. No, I loved it. I actually did love it. I still remember it. There we go. And it was years and years ago. Well, MC Search is a legend.

He is. He's a cultural appropriation legend. He boasted during the wrap, I remember, saying he gets a pass, a hood pass, I believe, for having produced Illmatic. Is that right? He did, in fact, produce Illmatic. Executive produce, though. I mean, they say he discovered... What does that mean? I've executive produced TV shows that never showed up to. You tell me. What does it mean? Never spent a day on set.

Please welcome, oh, by the way, he has a book. He is an author. Please welcome Moshe Kasher. Hello. Hello. It's a pleasure to be back. I really should have said the title of your book, but I was so far down the road into saying your name. I just aborted and just... My name is the kind of name that inspires that kind of anxiety in people, in Gentile people having to say it. I can understand that. It is. Did I nail it, by the way? You fucking nailed it. I know. I know I did. But we've known each other for a long time. I know, and I've had to say it many times. But then you get into these feelings where you're like,

Have I been mispronouncing his name the entire time? No, I've been saying it right. No, I'm going to be honest with you. I had a book release last night, a book event last night, and my family was there. And they said it wrong? No, there were cousins, and I knew their name. I'm so filled with anxiety about getting people's names. I didn't write their names in the books when I signed it. They're all deaf. They will not hear this. Right. And so I feel comfortable saying it. Although we'll get a transcript out to them if they want to. No, definitely.

Please don't. But I didn't write their names in the book because I was afraid maybe I'd write my own cousin's name wrong. We have to do away with names. I've said this repeatedly. People should be... You should be able to identify someone by just their physical characteristics. And should those change...

then the person's quote-unquote name would change as well. That sounds so cruel. Like, hello, 10 pounds heavier. Oh, no, they would call me Big Dick Mosch, but I get what you're saying. Oh, okay, I see. I brought it there, guys. I brought it there. You did. And we have known each other a long time, but I've seen no evidence of that. No, we've been to plays together. That's right. In fact, Scott, I was thinking about this because part of the book, it's called Subculture Vulture. Mm-hmm.

a memoir in six scenes. And it's like a history and a memoir of the six kind of universes that created who I am. And those...

universes are AA. I got sober when I was 15. Hasidic Judaism, my dad like became born again after my parents split and I spent six weeks a year cosplaying as Tevye the milkman. Deafness and sign language interpreting, my whole family's deaf. I was a sign language interpreter for 15 years. Raves, I was a rave promoter, rave DJ and sober ecstasy dealer in the early 90s in San Francisco. Burning Man, I worked there for 15 years and last year was my 24th time there. And then, of course, stand-up comedy. The reason I'm able to write a book in the first place. I was thinking a lot about my past. Uh,

as I wrote this book and as I was coming here I was thinking in my early days of coming down to LA from San Francisco to do sets I got a set on comedy bang bang knee comedy death right yes and I remember I did a set and then you posted on a special thing about my set and it wasn't even I wouldn't even say it was positive it was it was positive enough

You can't imagine how exciting it was for me to read. It was like, he shows promise or something like that. What was I doing? Posting reviews of my own show? You were, but you did. And I remember being really touched and really excited about that. Well, I used to give you spots because I enjoyed...

Everyone from your sort of scene up there in San Francisco who had come down here. Yeah, who was it? It was Brent, right? Brent Weinbach and Ali Wong was in that milieu. As well as Shang, right? Shang Wang, Louis Katz. Right, yes, yes. So anytime you guys would come down, I would have you on because I liked what you guys were doing. It was like a Tonight Show special.

bump. Not sure why I'm posting about it, but hopefully I did show you support and I've known you for a long time and I found all of the things that you do very interesting. We

talked a lot about the deaf subculture when we were developing something back in the day. That's right, with Marlee Matlin. I remember that. And you were the first person I heard the term CODA from, and then when the movie came out called CODA, I was like, I wonder what Moshe thinks about this. I've never asked you. I...

sort of small c consulted on coda uh because i was writing on um little america and and sean header who won the the best director i think she won it anyway she directed it and or at least the the film one there's certainly one best picture which means if she produced it she won the award and she pulled me into her office and was like this is my thing and i saw some of the early audition tapes and stuff because that's like one of the big giveaways in hearing people playing a

CODA or DEF or just a signer, period, is you can always tell. I mean, you can always tell when somebody's not a native or fluent signer. Okay, so I just watched Echo. I don't know if you've seen it. And I have opinions on who was good at it and who was bad at it. Who was good at signing. Yes. Yeah. And I'll talk to you afterwards because I don't want to blow up their spot. But I definitely thought the cast was split

in twain of people who were really, really good at it and people who were just kind of had learned it like five minutes before. I will watch one of those movies and with my eye totally and completely on their signing. You can always tell when someone's, I mean, always. Well, it's like comedians watching Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Like you know too much about it and you're suddenly in your head about

Chelsea Paredes used to describe watching stand-up as like, remember the characters in The Matrix when they would unplug? They weren't plugged in, but they could still read the code and kind of see what was happening. That's how it is to watch stand-up. Because you're like, oh, I see what you did there. I see the structure of that. Oh, three tags? One too many. That's very funny. Did I laugh? Of course not, but it is funny.

I recognize it as funny. That's how I feel watching signers. But that's interesting that you, Small C consulted on CODA. When we say the Small C, of course, we don't mean the big C in CODA. Because all of those are... Yeah. Right. No, no, no. That's not what it's about. I got cancer for CODA. And that's how it won Best Picture. I made a deal with the devil. But that's cool, though. I didn't know you worked on that. That was great. I was, you know, when it came out, I was like...

disappointed that something in this world had come out before because our thing you know ended up not happening right for various reasons but uh i was like oh man they said there was a toxic executive producer somewhere towards the top who didn't show up the set and wouldn't stop posting about the experience reviews of a pimp i went on to a special thing that day after we pitched that first one and it was you the kids showed promise this guy still don't know about him known in 15 years

Yes. So that was always very interesting. I've been to your wedding and saw a lot of your family there. And so that's always a really interesting part of it. And then the Burning Man part of it is also very interesting. So you even went to Burning Man this year, which is the year everyone got stranded, right? Let me say this about getting stranded. In general.

Yeah, about that concept of being stranded. You can always tell when a person isn't really stranded and they don't really know. The fluency is lacking. You watch stranded films like 127 hours. Listen, my parents were stranded. I'm a stranded guy, so I know it. I actually consulted on stranded. Oh, really? Interesting. Yeah, the reality show Stranded. So I was up there and the rains began. And this was 23 in a row, 24 times total that I've been there.

And it was I would say the response that I was noticing online was like God level schadenfreude. It was like the entire world was having a schadenfreude orgasm simultaneously. Because everyone kind of conceptually hates Burning Man. Yes. And they don't quite know how to like angle the hate. It's like the Grateful Dead or Fish or whatever. Like, you know, you hate it. You just don't know why. And you are right. You are right. But I do always say when people hate on Burning Man, I go, oh, that's you. You've been and you didn't enjoy it.

they never say yes. So I remember, first of all, I remember reading the headline, president Biden has been briefed on the rain situation at Birmingham. And I, and I was like, okay, I mean, I'm in a fake news situation because we were like, everybody was fine. Yes. Diplo and Chris rock hiked through the mud. That did occur, but it was not that,

That is the Burning Man equivalent of getting picked up in a limo. Yes. Like two famous people going, fuck this, I'm out of here and hitchhiking. And then getting on a private jet in Reno to go make their gig in Washington, D.C. Exactly. But I remember there was one comment. A lot of people were very happy that we were suffering. And there was this one comment this woman put on my Instagram. It was like, it's really...

comforting or it brings me joy to see pain coming to rich people cosplaying as poor people. And I thought, good slam. That's funny. But it's wrong. What is the demographic of the people there? Well, because they all look like a muddy weirdos. Well, that's what I'm saying. It wasn't Burning Man. People are not rich people cosplaying as poor people. They are weak people cosplaying as survivalists.

And so for us, nothing could have been better than a mild amount of flooding and rain to prove to ourselves that 25 years of fake survival skills actually had some use. People were having the most fun I have ever seen this year in over 10 years because it made it.

It made the experience travel back in time. I went for the first time to Burning Man in 1996. I was 16 years old. It was fucking dangerous. People died. People got run over. There were drive-by shooting ranges. People were setting buildings on fire. Wait, drive-by shooting ranges where you practice your drive-by shooting? Yes. Yes. Straight up. So you get in a car. You hold your gun out the window sideways. No, yes. Yes.

You're doing a bit, but that is it. That is what it was? That is what it was. You want the quick history of Burning Man in five minutes? Sure, yeah. I can do this. In five? I want it in maybe 90 seconds. Oh, 90 is going to be hard. I can try. Okay. Okay. LSD. They invented LSD. Timothy Leary, et cetera. Got it. Timothy Leary, et cetera. Hippies, creeps.

civil rights movement and the Vietnam War sprung out in a bunch of ways. One way that it sprung out was the Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters. Those guys got into a bus. They started driving, dropping acid, traveling around the country, looking for weird shit. That experiment led to a group called the Suicide Club in San Francisco. We said, oh, we want weird shit, but we're going to create that weird shit instead of look for it randomly. We're going to climb to the top of the Golden Gate Bridge and have high tea up there. We're going to infiltrate the American Nazi Party. We're going to do all these weird things, but it's just for us. It's a secret society. I'm worried about the 90 seconds at this point.

this point. I'm so close. I'm so close. That sprung up another organization called the Cacophony Society who said, we want to do the same thing, but we want to give it to the public. We don't just want to keep it for ourselves. We want to do these kinds of experiments for other people. So you'd be like, you know, uh, Santa con, they invented Santa con billboard liberation. When you see a billboard that's been like adjusted and has like a subversive message on it, they invented that, that, that was their thing. Same time.

this guy, Larry Harvey, he started lighting a statue of a man on fire on Baker Beach in San Francisco. I am aware that I am over my time, sir. And...

And I will grant you 30 more seconds. OK. And he's burning this thing on the beach. He did it one year. It was 300 people the next year, 900 people the next year, 2000 people. The police shut it down, said you can't burn it here. But the Cacophony Society was there because it sounded like a cacophony side. Good time. They said, we know a place where you can do anything. There are no rules. You can get away with murder. It's called the Black Rock Desert. Take your statue. Let's drive to the Black Rock Desert.

and let's create a festival. That's how Burning Man was born. All right, I'm reclaiming my time. Okay. So you're the chair. You are, it's your podcast. That makes sense. Yeah, sure, I'm sitting in a chair. Yes, okay, so that's great. So now, 24 years later, or this is more than 24, you just went to your first one 24 years ago. That's right, yep. It has become a,

just the epicenter of all kinds of weirdos going out and doing drugs and like taking off their shirts and showing their big beards. And yeah, that's it. What do you do? I don't think I can add to that description. What do you do? Because you're sober. I show my big,

beard that's what i do do you grow one for the yeah it's big too wasn't there a year that it was dangerous because your wife uh i thought was complaining about it one year i would not say it needs to be dangerous for my wife to complain about it but um i don't know if i ever put natasha into any peril natasha leggero your comedian uh is your is your wife that's true and listen i made a tactical error i got her to come well first of all right she went to i cannot imagine it

It was already an ill fit. Yes, I will give you that. But then she got pregnant at Burning Man. No, she was pregnant. And I made an incredible tactical error was like, why don't you just come pregnant? And she did. And that was the end of that experiment. She will not be rejoining us up there.

Wow, that would be great if she got pregnant at Burning Man. That would be the coolest baby. I mean, yeah, but I think Natasha would not be. Her thing is she doesn't want to die in a Costco or a trailer park, and I don't think she wants to get pregnant at Burning Man. Yeah, I can't see her having sex in a tent or whatever. Scott, please.

Are you glamping at Burning Man? What's your situation? In the 15 years since you posted that review, I've been able to upgrade from a tent. I don't know who sleeps in what there. Are there cabins? It's a barrel. It's a big mushroom.

I have my own little RV that I bring. Oh, it's an RV. Oh, okay. But I started at a tent cooking Dinty Moore chili over a Sterno stove and dumping a gallon of water on my head. And then I upgraded to a tent and then I upgraded to a trailer and then I upgraded to my own RV. But you're still doing the chili and you're still dumping water on your head, right? I do that in L.A.,

Sure. Why not? LA is a chilly town. I think we can all agree. So you have the Burning Man. You have the deaf community. You have sober, which is also very interesting. You've been sober now for how many years? Too many, I would say. Really? You're thinking of reversing it? It's not that I'm thinking of leaving. It's just embarrassing. When I was young, and I got sober when I was 15. And when I was young and I'd be 20, I would tell people, I've been sober five years. And they'd be like, whoa, that's so weird. That's so fucking cool. Whoa. And I'd be like, it is pretty fucking cool.

fucking cool. But now I'm not 20. Now it's decades. It's been 29 years and I'm just like, I'm embarrassed by it. And people always say this. They go, what were you doing? And I know what they want me to say. They want me to say heroin. Right. But I wasn't. I was doing like kid drugs, you know? What were you doing? Acid and malt liquor and blunts. Malt liquor? This sounds terrible.

No, it was wonderful. It was wonderful. St. Ives. Yes, the patron saint of cirrhosis. Do you admit, and this is possibly out of bounds in my questioning, and you can certainly refuse to answer this, but do you still go to meetings? Did you ever go to meetings? I refuse to answer. No, actually the book is about, the AA portion of the book is about this thing that has been so meaningful in my life and that truly without question is the only reason that I'm either alive or dead.

or um a success or or have a successful family as well i have this great thing that this snatched from the jaws of death i have friends that i grew up with that are not in that situation a lot of people are dead a lot of people are in prison i i know what i wish you think you would have been i think i would have honestly i could have died very easily i remember once there was a girl that pulled a shotgun on me in oakland and i ran toward her

The ire that she would dare pull a shotgun on me. I ran toward her and she, thank God, like disappeared into her house and closed the door. I was in situations like that constantly. Dicey stuff. I think the most likely outcome is that I would be alive and a gigantic, like a gigantic fucking loser. Yeah. I can see that more than dead or

You see that in me. You see the ghost of a loser. It was half and half. Although, you know, I remember quite a few years back, I wrote online about you. You showed promise. Well, you didn't. You say I showed promise, but not a gigantic loser, just a small one. So we've covered that. I left. That's what I was going to say. That slowly at about 30 years old, I started to have like a very slow boiling crisis of faith of what I was doing there. And it was a journey out from being unprofessional.

a member. I don't think I would consider myself a member anymore, but I look fondly at it as a beautiful and important time in my life. And everyone's experience is different. Yeah. And some people have never gone and are keeping it up. Exactly. You know, it's whatever fits for you. So we have the deaf community. We have Burning Man. We have...

Raves. Raves, yes. Tell me about raves. Raves, you were a sober ecstasy dealer. The first time I went to a party, I was eight months sober because I was 15. And I go, I don't want to do recovery bowling with my 20s. I'm good. I need a life. And I bought a ticket to a rave. And I just went by myself. And I was like a little wannabe gangster. And I remember I was in line for the party. I stuffed a bottle of Escape by Calvin Klein into a sock just in case I had to like...

off an attacker. That was my mind when I went in. I'm like Tony Montana and I got into this party. You pronounce it Montana. Interesting. It is Montana, isn't it? I thought it was Montana, but hey. That's the 49er is Montana. The gangster is Montana. Am I wrong? It very well could be. I think the lay person would say Montana. No, there is a

Tony Montana. There is a Joe Montana as well. Okay. No, it's Tony Montana. I'm Tony Montana. I think maybe he says it that way, but I don't know that we're allowed to. Oh, I shouldn't. Oh, it's actually, you're saying it's like kind of a microaggression that I, okay. I don't know. I'm going to be honest with you until the moment of this conversation, I thought that was his name. And you probably have never said it out loud. I've never reexamined it.

And now that I am reexamined, I don't even know that Al Pacino should have been saying it that way. I don't know if he should have been cast, but I had a Scarface poster in my room. Really? That was my guy. It wouldn't surprise me if you still had one with Natasha lives with me.

I know. Is she in charge of all the decor like my wife is? Absolutely. I am not allowed anything other than this room. I'm allowed to have whatever I want. My job in the interior decorating scheme is I'm like the chief masculinity officer. I will walk in and go like, perhaps. We could butch it up a little. Yeah, just perhaps a pink chaise lounge. Maybe no. That's my only job.

So then the two I'm forgetting are stand-up and... Stand-up. I think we've done that. And Hasidic Judaism and the history of the Jews. That's right. Your brother who performed the ceremony at your wedding is an actual... A real-time rabbi. Yeah. He's a rabbi, and my father was

when my mother left my father, he basically was born again as a Hasidic Jew. He married into an extreme. Did you see Unorthodox on Netflix? I did not. Okay, well, it's about. Is that okay? Or is that an insult to your people? I would say it's not an insult. I would say it's bigotry. Okay, all right.

but I guess that's okay on this podcast. That sect in that show are the Satmars, and that was the sect that my father was born into. So I was a secular kid, Oakland Public Schools, like regular, full California boy. Six weeks a year, I would fly home, and my dad would bring me basically to the old country, put a costume on me. I'm not joking, like a yarmulke. He would get me a haircut that would sort of

accentuate yeah i had like a california bowl cut and they would just shave it down a little bit so there was a little fluff here and then he would bring me and i to a yiddish the kids in my neighborhood in on my summer vacation spoke yiddish as a first language we used to play dodgeball where it was the uh ultra orthodox kids versus the actual religious kids like we were the we were the the the non-religious people compared to that people saying oi when they get hit i'm

Yeah, no, straight up. Like I have cousins for real who have Eastern European accents who were born in America and their parents were born in America and their parents don't have Eastern European accents. Their parents were first generation. Right. So the immigrants were like, go fit in. Then they fit in. They were feeling themselves. They were comfortable. So then they sent their kids to seminaries where they only spoke Yiddish. So my my uncle sounds like a New Yorker and my cousin will sound like an extra from Dr. Zhivago. Yeah.

And you did say Zhivago, right? I was a little worried about that one after the Montana debacle. Um, Montana debacle. Not a bad title. I think we've done it. Well, you're a, you're a fascinating guy. This sounds like a great book. Uh,

Subculture Vulture, a memoir in six scenes. Is it six chapters or is it? I would call them mega chapters. They're not there. It's each. It's a six part book. And each of them is a is a history, a comedic history of that world that literally starts at the beginning and tells the whole story of that universe. But in with jokes.

And then at a certain point, I enter that history and it becomes about my time in that world, how it shaped me, who I am as a result of it. And then in the end, it's like, what are these worlds that don't belong together? How do they fit beyond just in my body? Like, how do they fit to create kind of the person that I am? And then in a way, not to get too sincere.

Cause I know since I love it. Sincerity, no sincerity on this podcast. That's what I aim for. I noticed that over the years. That's what we want. But it, I realized at the end of it that it was actually like, it was a testimony and, and a letter in a way to my daughter about this, these lives that I've lived so that she can understand me someday. And so that she can understand what life used to be like when, when,

existence was kind of a pinball game where you do, it wasn't the internet delivering culture to you, but it was actually, you would stumble in if you, you know, if you stumbled onto like Tolkien and like goth music, then you'd be doing a bloodletting ceremony in a field. If you stumbled on a skateboard and you'd be smoking a blunt under an overpass and, you know, listening to punk and hip hop, like it used to feel like an accident, a life. And now it feels maybe more of a path. And this is, this is the pinball game that was me. And it's like my offering to her.

Well, I love it. I've said this to John Hodgman. I read his book and I just felt like I got to know him so well. And I wished I had a book that I wrote that I could give to him so he would know me, but I didn't. I guess I could read the Comedy Bang Bang book, but that would be a waste of time. Or be a special thing for him. Yeah, sure. He could really get to know you. For some reason, posting on a fan website. But I can't wait to read. Oh, wait, am I mentioned in this book? Oh, my God.

I think the UCB is mentioned in that framework. I feel like, yeah, of course they know what you're talking about. Okay, great. No, I mean you. Great. I'm going to read this, uh, subculture vulture, a memoir and six scenes by Moshe Kasher. It is out now. Uh,

And is it on a bestseller list? Do we know yet? Or are you getting that info tomorrow? It came out two days ago, so I do not know. You're getting the info tomorrow. Well, the New York times gave us a good review. The chronicles of my hometown paper, the San Francisco Chronicle, good review. Everything is, everything is looking. I'm happy. Fantastic. I cannot wait to read it. We're going to take a break. Uh, Moshe, can you stick around because we have a, look, we have a commercial spokesperson. We have a magical being. This sounds like a really good show. You asking Tony Montana if he can stick around.

Yes, I can stick around. Fantastic. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we will have more from Moshe Kasher, more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this.

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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Moshe Kasher is here. Subculture Vulture. That's hard to say. It's too hard to say. Subculture Vulture? You didn't even say it. Okay, you know what, Scott? You're right, and I don't like...

That was a low moment for me. Not just on this podcast, but in my life. Just in life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put that in the next book. It is too hard to say. I think you should title it something else. Maybe in the paperback edition? It's too late, I feel. Just change it, maybe? Subculture Vulture.

No, it's not easy, is it? You don't like the title is what you're saying? No, I like the title. I like reading it. I don't like saying it. Subculture Vulture. Subculture Vulture. Subculture Vulture. Although saying Culture Club, that's fun. Yes. And we've said it all our lives. No problem. That was on the list. We're always talking about it. Culture Club. Culture Club. But Subculture Vulture, it's a tongue twister, but I'm okay with it. You know what? The book is a mind twister. What?

Okay, I cannot wait to read this. We need to get to our next guest. Let's see. She is a commercial spokesperson. Moshe, you ever watch commercials on the old boob tube? I love the boob tube. That's my generation is boobing.

Yeah. And sometimes commercials are just impossible to escape. We have the Super Bowl coming up here in just, I believe, six calendar days. You ever toss the old pigskin around? Is this the...

Super Bowl is in six days? I believe it is, yeah. I'm out of touch. I feel like I should know that. Six calendar days from when this is released. Yeah. Oh, you're going to time the release to be six calendar days. I always talk in the frame of mind that it is the day that this comes out. So six calendar days. I'm sorry. I didn't answer your question. Yes, I've tossed around the old pigskin. Thank you. This is all I want to know. And you sit here going like, oh, is the Super Bowl really in six calendar days? I want to know if you tossed.

The seventh subculture that I was going to include and was asked not to by the NFL was my time as a linebacker for the Dolphins. That's right. They didn't want me involved. They didn't want me to be. You were in the D line or was that? I was in. I was on D day. We came into Normandy. I remember when we brought the old pigskin into Normandy. Yeah. What a day. The Germans didn't know what to do with it. No, they hate pork. That's like their thing. They were terrified. They're like vampires, but for a ham hock.

Well, we undoubtedly, our next guest is obviously the star of many commercials, but maybe has a Super Bowl one coming up. But let's talk to her. Please welcome the Pine Sol lady. Oh.

Scott, what died in here? A lot of shows. I'll tell you that much. A lot of podcasts. I'll tell you one thing. You can smell it. Really? I'm so sorry. I mean, you're the expert in this field. What should we do with this? I know bad smells, and I know how to get rid of them. What is the best tactic for getting rid of bad smells? I'll tell you what it is. One cap full of pine salt can fill up 14 buckets of water. What?

You have to add the water. Yes, you have to have the water already. And then you put the Pine Sol into the water. That's the power of Pine Sol, baby. Do you have to... Let me ask you this. Say you have 14 buckets full of water. Yes. And you have one cap full of Pine Sol. Do you have to disseminate it into all 14? Disseminate. What a good word. Thank you so much. That is the power of grammar. And this is the power of Pine Sol.

You take the 14 buckets. You take one capful per bucket. A one capful? Okay, you didn't say that. You said one capful and then 14 buckets. I got confused. I thought, what a bargain. Yeah. One capful of Pine Sol for 14 buckets. You're saying 14 capfuls for 14 buckets. Yes. Can I ask then, why do I need 14 buckets of water? Right. Why not do it one at a time? Why not just do one? Just say like one capful, put it into a bucket, and you can clean anything. I'm just telling you what you can get in one bottle of Pine Sol. Okay.

That's the power. Wait, there's only 14 capfuls in one bottle of Pine Sol? No, silly. But there's more. But there's more. More buckets? Silly. You gooses. You...

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be a goose. Welcome to the show, it's so nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too, Scott. Sorry about the odor. It's monstrous. What do you smell? Shit, piss. Pine salt lady, I did not expect you to work blues. I've never heard you say that in commercials, so it's a bit of a shock. Well, that's for the Christian television. Shit, piss, cum, piss.

Everything else. Everything else all mixed together. And you can get that smell right out of here with one cap full of pine salt and one bucket of water. Oh, you've adjusted your math a little bit.

You geese. 14 buckets is all you need. I don't own 14 buckets. I maybe own one. Lysol only does five buckets. Okay, I don't need five either. Wait, you only have one bucket, Scott? Maybe. I don't even know where it would be. You seem like a bucket kind of guy. I'm not a bucket guy. I would assume there was way more buckets in this home.

You're very rich, Scott. I can tell. You know what's on Scott's bucket list? What is that? 13 more buckets. You goose. You goose. I am a goose. So, Pine Tall Lady, you're in so many commercials. Yes. Of course, you're so famous. Since 1992, Scott. 1992. Yes. That's about six years after the first Burning Man, from what I'm told. Yep. Six years after the first Burning Man. How do you know that, Scott? I'm a date guy. I'm a date guy.

It was April of 1992. I just got done rioting, and I had an audition. Rioting in the Rodney King riots? Yes. You were in the Rodney King riots? Absolutely. Which side were you on? The side of the police. You were rioting for the LAPD? Okay, I'm glad I asked that question. One would assume when you hear you're part of the riots. You drop one cap full of Pine Sol on a group of rioters, they will disperse immediately. Disperse immediately. That's the power of Pine Sol, baby.

I saved millions of businesses across the city. Small businesses. Oh, you were at the Korean American Chamber of Commerce? Yes, I was on top of a Korean grocery store shooting. I did not expect this. I'm so late.

But that's all in the past. You can come into the store if you buy a bottle of Pine Soda. Extra strength, not 40% more. So that's all in the past. Now you, 1992, what happened after you were part of the riots? Ah, yes. So 1992 was the riots. And then in 1994, OJ killed his wife. Allegedly. Although he's on this show. He is? This is the first I'm hearing of this.

How weird that you, a different guest, would be the first to break this news to me. Oh, he's absolutely guilty. Mark Furman is a good friend of mine. Oh, dear. I'm curious about something OJ related. If he is guilty, what do you think he used to clean up the old crime scene? I'm so glad you asked, Moshe Kasher.

This is one capful of pine song. One capful in a bucket of water. Clean up a complete... Let's say you have slashed your wife from tip to toe.

Oh man. There's going to be so much blood, especially if there's another person, perhaps her boyfriend. Yeah. Bringing home her glasses. Probably some sunglasses lying on the ground. Yes. What you need, one cap full of pine salt in one bucket of water. Sure. Preferably a blue bucket or blue lives matter. A thin blue bucket. A thin blue bucket. I would think that would maybe be a two bucket situation, but I don't know. Maybe I should get another bucket just in case something like that happens to me. You should get 13 more buckets. Okay. All right.

Cause that's how much you can use. I think you should get 13 more buckets. That's how much you can use, but there's more, but there's more in the bottle. There's 40% more now. Extra strength. That's the power baby. So after that happens, then I'm trying to figure out your story. How did you get involved in Pine Sol? I,

Well, I told you I did the first commercial in 1992. Oh, okay. Got it. Oh, right after the rights. That's what I was getting. I had an audition that same day. So I climbed down from the Korean grocery store, went to my audition at 200 South. That's 200 South La Brea for you. Non-industry cats. I've been there many times. Forgot my headshots several times where I'm like, Oh, I left a bit home. You have to keep them in your trunk. They give you a stern look, a very stern look. You have to keep your paper headshots in your trunk. I mean, you did back then, but like now, isn't it? What was your first commercial audition, Scott? Uh,

I have to say probably 96. 1996. I used to like flexing and be like, yeah, you don't need to bring your headshot to an audition, but then not getting the job. It doesn't matter, and then you wouldn't get it. I remember I used to make fun of all the actors who would dress up in...

doctors costumes and all this kind of stuff and they and then i saw them in every commercial i was like maybe you should have done that a little bit more invested in uh hollywood props and costumes i dressed as a doctor at my first pine saw commercial audition did you really yes was it calling for a doctor no okay but it gave you a sense of authority yes i walked in and said everybody pull down your pants i'm gonna feel your balls

Cough to the right. Okay, this sounds like a weird audition. I don't even know if it's an audition necessarily. That's how I got the job, baby. Was this in a hotel room? This was in a hotel room at 200 South. Up top? Up top. Above the lamps plus. Right. Listen. Look, this is very specific industry talk for some people. And I haven't been to an audition in 20 years, so...

Surprising I know all this. Exactly. That's the power of Pinesol, Scott. It helps your memory. Yeah, interesting. I just believe in the product so much. How many commercials have you done then over the years? 432. That's so many. Wow. You must be, I mean, I don't even want to speculate on your wealth. Oh, I'm rolling in it. Really? Yes, I'm rolling in it.

Wow. I have a room in my house like Scrooge McDuck. Really? Just a swimming pool filled with gold coins? Yes. It hurts every time I dive in. They don't show that in the Scrooge McDuck with him going, ow! I bonk my head. I'm curious. When you hurt yourself on the room of coins, what do you use to clean the wounds? I'm so glad you asked, Moshe Kashi. Did you know?

That pine salt has vitamins in it. It has vitamins. Which ones? The main ones? The main ones. Vitamin D. E. C. Sure. Those are the good ones. A. B. Yeah. B12. What do they go up to, vitamins? That's a great question. Do they go up to F? I've never seen a vitamin F.

It feels like they should start inventing new vitamins, right? Like you hear about A through E and then nothing. You know what we would take to beat piss tests in rehab, in teenage rehab? We would take niacin. Oh, interesting. You would pop a bunch of niacin and it would purge your system and we would drink vinegar. And I once drank an entire quart bottle of vinegar and I immediately vomited for 12 hours. I started immediately and I kept vomiting for 12 hours and guess what? I passed, baby. You passed, really? And that

is the power of Pinesaw. You can also use Pinesaw to pass a piss. I was so much worse. I should have just explained it a lot. What was your name? You're not Flo, right? No, I'm the Pinesaw lady, silly. You goose. Do you have a name? The Pinesaw lady. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I asked an answer. Flo from Progressive Insurance? Yeah, Flo. It's so different. Very different from me. Do you know her, Flo? I do know her. You see her around? When I see her, I like to hit her in the knees with a billy club. Ha ha ha ha!

I hear that Flo, the name Flo, is based on her menstrual cycle. You heard that? Yeah. That was supposed to be an industry secret. We're letting go of all of the industry secrets today. So do you, I have to ask Moshe, do you have a Super Bowl commercial coming up? I do. And you have a Super Bowl commercial coming up?

Incredible. We're six calendar days away. Yes. Can you sneak it here? Can you spoil it a little bit? What's happening? I can only tell you a little bit about it. I can tell you this. It'll be seven minutes long. Wow. That sounds too long for a Super Bowl commercial. You're going to love it, Scott. Are the players, what are they doing? Are they at least on the exercise bikes trying to stay warm? What happens during the seven minutes? Well, this is what's going to happen. We're going to do a live commercial. I'm going to take one of the players, and I'm going to cure his CTE by giving him Pine's help. Just a capful? A capful. Okay.

And I'm going to put a bucket on his head. Which player has the worst CTE out there right now? Out there right now? Yeah. Because you should pick that one, right? I'm not at Liberty to say. Oh, okay. Liberty, Bibberty. Liberty, Bibberty. You know those people? I do know them. The emu? Legal emu? I know the emu. And I know Doug. Geico Doug?

I know the Geico duck. Oh, sorry. The Geico lizard and there's an Aflac duck. Aflac duck. What about the Geico caveman, a.k.a. Nick Kroll? Do you know him? Do you know Nick Kroll? I know Nick Kroll. That guy's great. Is there a bar you guys all hang out in? Yes, it's called Residuals. Oh, okay.

I've been there. You know what Nick Kroll's done in Hollywood that's probably the most impressive thing? What's that? Blurb the book subculture vulture. Oh my God. Is he on the back there? Come on, you guys. Who else is back there? I'm trying to read it from far away. Nick Kroll, Dax Shepard, the Chainsmokers, Nathan Englander, Niall DeMarco, and John Mulaney. Let me do one right now. Okay, yeah. Do a blurb for the book.

You know, there comes a time where you need to read. Sure. It happens to all of us. And when you need to, I'm doing my, I'm doing my blurbs. Okay. I'm sorry. Do you not want interjections during the blurb? No, we're not. We're not. You can do your own blurb. You know, there comes a time where everyone needs to read.

And what you do is you take a book, you put it in a bucket with one cap full of pine saw. You can read that whole book from cover to cover. And this was an easily pine sawable book. Ten stars. You goose. Out of how many, though? Out of 14. Out of 14. Okay. Pretty good. Not bad. Still an A. Still an A.

So an incredible live commercial coming up. What else is going on in the Pine Soliverse? You know, in the Flowiverse, she's getting a lot of her friends on. It's like suddenly the Progressiverse, the Flowiverse, is just expanding. I'm having my friends come on as well. Really? Yes. Who's coming on? Mark Furman from the old digital. Okay. I haven't seen the hide nor hair of him in quite a few decades. He'll be back. He'll be right back in the Pine Soliverse. Javani Ramsey's parents. Oh, jeez. What the fuck?

They'll be on. Okay, sure. Sure. Taj Mowry.

Dan Marino. Okay. Yeah, sure. Of your Miami Dolphins. Yes, that's right. You played D-Day for them. And you were his doctor. I remember. You cured his CTE. Yes. I went to him. I said, pull down your pants. I'm going to fill your balls. Cough to the right. And take this cap full of Pine Sol. Every time you say that, I feel like you're saying, I'm going to fill your balls. I do hear that as well. I'm like, with what? With Pine Sol? I'm going to fill your balls with Pine Sol. Yep.

Well, this is incredible, Pine Sol Lady. I mean, what an accomplishment. And then there's so much more yet to come. Do you see the end of the road for you? Not at all. I will live forever. Oh, you're immortal? Immortal. Wow. And that's the power of Pine Sol. Really? How much do you take every day? One capful. One capful. Would I be immortal if I also took one capful? Absolutely. I'm recommending everybody to take one capful of Pine Sol. Every listener of this show...

I don't know whether I can co-sign that officially, but... Please, officially, Scott. All right, officially, yes. Take one capful of Pine Sol, every listener. One a day, you say? One a day. Plus vitamins, A through F? A through F and P. Okay, and then vitamin P. Vitamin Pine. Oh, I see, yeah. And then P. How do you take it? You drink it or... Yes, you put it in your tongue and you let it dissolve.

I thought it was already liquid. It still dissolves, Scott. You goose. Scott, you goose. I'm sorry to be a goose. Well, this is fantastic, Pine Soul Lady. We need to take a break. Can you stick around? Absolutely. I've got nowhere to go. Really? Why? What's going on with you? Well, there's no rioting going on. That's the only time you get out of the house other than public appearances? Other than that, I'm just in my coin room.

All right. Well, let's take a break. When we come back, we'll have more from Moshe Kasher. We'll have more from the Pine Sol Lady. When we come back, we have a magical being. This is very exciting. I wonder if they grant wishes or I mean, the mind is reeling. I'm already thinking of things that I want to wish for. So I hope you guys do the same. When we come back, we'll have more comedy. Bang, bang. We'll be right back after this. For 25 years.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Motion Cashers here. The book is called Subculture Vulture, a memoir in six scenes. You nailed it, you goose. Hell yeah. And out now and very well could be on the New York bestseller list. We don't know. We just don't know. Usually they'll let you know on Friday. So if you don't get a call tomorrow. Yeah, well, I mean, this is Monday when this comes out. You don't want to

It's a hard category. This is the thing. I worked so hard on this book for so long that I got to a state of Zen. I mean, I wanted to do well, but I did everything. Right now, I'm feeling as enlightened as the Pine Sol lady. Yeah, and people don't do it for the money. I'm sure you got in advance, but that's all gone. I did it for the love of the game. That's right. You have to do books for the love of the game. Otherwise, there's really no reason to do them other than that.

I love writing books, though. Have you written a book before? I have. This is my second book. What was your first? It's called Casher in the Rye, the true tale of a white boy from Oakland who became a drug addict, criminal, mental patient. Wait, hold on. This is two books on the same subject. No, Scott, it's not. And I'm glad you asked, even though that wasn't in the form of a question. No.

Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I put it in a question. This is cheating? No, Scott. You goose. I'm glad you asked. Something like that. Am I doing it right? Absolutely, you goose. Pinesaw Lady, by the way, is here. Hello, Pinesaw Lady. Do you agree with me, Pinesaw Lady? This sounds like he's just written the same book twice. I'll tell you this. I read both books while I was in the bath. Oh, really? Oh, yeah. You just took a bath during the break. Yes.

I took a bath here at Scott's house and I read both books over the break. Really? Yes. Do they overlap? They don't overlap in my opinion. They don't overlap in any way, Scott. This book begins literally on December 25th, 1994. You like dates? I love dates. The day that I get sober. The last book ends the moment before.

So it ends on December 23, 1994? Well, actually, the day before the 25th would not be December 23rd. I thought that you said December 24. December 25th, Christmas Day, 1994. Oh, yeah, the big JC, his birthday. I did it in honor of him. So really, the first book ends on Christmas Eve? More or less. Are you like John Houseman? You're writing like just...

He's got like three or four biographies. Just write fucking one. Well, why write one when you can write two? I mean, that's like because I don't want to pay. This is the fucking you don't have to buy into the spider verse in book form. You don't have to buy either of the books into the spider verse. And they're like, you're enjoying it. And then halfway through or at the end of the movie, they're like, oh, by the way, you don't get to know the end. Have you not heard of a squeak? Well,

Okay, that is a good point. Thank you. So this is like a squeakquel? It's a squeakquel. Okay. It's Casher and the Rye, the squeakquel. Okay, do you have a third book in you, do you think? Or is not enough going to happen to you? No, I don't think I have a third memoir. I can tell you that. Really? I'm done. I'm definitely out on that. But I would like to write another book.

What's your third book going to be about? I know that this is obnoxious to say. Well, what this book is is comedic history, and I got really— You're going to do the future. I really enjoyed the process of writing comedic histories, and so I think in the future I would like to write more comedy histories like Sarah Vowell and Bill Bryson and stuff. Oh, yeah. Write one about me. Oh, yeah. The History of Scott. I'll tell you what. Write my memoir. Ghostwrite it.

I'll give you 10% of the fee. That's awesome. What do you think? What's your quote? Well, I tell you, you're going to be disappointed when you hear what the comedy bang-bang book was. All right. And then Pine Tall Lady. Yes. You mentioned the Spider-Verse. Do you have the real story of Peter Parker? No. The real Peter Parker? No. Yeah. He was hiking in the woods and he came along a pine tree. Oh, wow. Really? And a brown recluse spider bit him. And now he shoots rotes of cum from his wrists.

Wait. That's the power of Pine Sol, baby. Why? What does Pine Sol have to do? It was just a pine tree. Well, it was a pine tree, and that's... Yeah, the spider had been drinking the Sol from the tree. Okay, okay. Oh, so Pine Sol comes... It's just Sol from a tree? It's Sol from a pine tree. I did not know that. I know that it's just guys talking on a podcast, so maybe I shouldn't say this, but do you think, like, Spider-Man, when he shoots the webs out of his wrist, he ever is like, do you mind if I shoot this in your mouth?

Oh, I'm sure. Because the real Peter Bargland, as I said, shoots ropes of cum. He's like, do you mind if you swallow this web of mine? I'm sure he says that all the time. Right. Interesting. Is that how you say it for cum? Would you mind swallowing this cum of mine? This discussion has been settled long, long ago. Would you mind swallowing this cum of mine? We're stopping the locker room talk part of the podcast. We have to bring on our magical being,

This is exciting because it's the first time they've been on the show. And Moshe, you've been on the show before. I have. Pinesol Lady, this is your first time. Yes, and I'm happy to be here. It smells terrible in here. Just sprinkle some pinesol around if you can. I don't know if it's because of the magical being. We'll find out. But please welcome for the first time, Tinsalina the Green Fairy. Ah!

Oh my God. Wow, hello Scott. Friends, how are you? You just like floated down out of the sky. That is incredible. That's what I did. Wow. Wow, it's so lovely to be here. It's wonderful to have you. I'm so glad you weren't here to hear the preamble before you got here about, we were talking about Spider-Man and a bunch of gross things. Sounds like not worth rehashing right now. Probably not. Can I just say something? Please. It smells delightful in here suddenly. Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Is that you? Or have you put some, some pine salt around here? Not me. I haven't started doing it yet. Oh, are you lazy? Why? I said, go ahead. I said, go ahead and do it. You don't tell me what to do. Scott, you don't tell a woman to get up and clean your house.

Well, Tinselina, it's great to meet you. You're a green fairy. Yes. What does that mean? I've come for the child. Oh. That's took a darker turn. Come for the child. I've come for your child. Scott, you had a child recently. Is that incorrect? I mean, not recently. Depending on how you view time. I mean, I guess if you're talking about like

- The dinosaurs, you know, or this, it's a little more recent than that, but-- - I've come to bestow a gift upon the child. I know I'm a little late, I'm so sorry. - Oh, okay, a gift. Oh, that's great. Oh, yeah. Forgive me. When you said you were a magical being and you're a green fairy and you say, "I've come for the child," I thought you meant you wanted to take my child away. No, if you want to give a gift to the child, yeah, perfect. - Forgive you I won't, but a gift I will give. All right, Scott, are you ready? - It's a deal.

So here's what I'll say is I come from a dynasty of gift-giving fairies. That's sort of what we do. It's sort of our thing. So my sister is the pink and the blue fairy. They take sort of the big, broad gifts. And for me, I like to get a little more specific. Okay. By the way, are they colored pink and blue and you're colored green? Or what's the...

- Well, as you can see, my dress is green and that's sort of my color with triplets. That's sort of how our parents divvied it up. So my sister was in pink and my other sister was in blue and so I'm in green. - Okay. It's a great color on you, although you are a bit of a summer.

with your coloring. - What do you mean by that, Scott? - Your coloring is, you're not an autumn, which I would see more as a green, but so I don't know, you know. - So you sort of saw my face and said, this is what I think you should be wearing? - Yeah, you know, I mean-- - As I'm about to give a gift to your child. - Oh please, I don't mean to distract you about the gift. - I have a child too and I think you look great as is. - Oh, thank you so much. - Yeah, no worries, you seem awesome. - Well, let's see if we got a little extra gift rattling around for your child. - Pineapple lady, you have a child?

I have 14 children. Really? Yes. Bucket one, bucket two, through bucket 14. Wonderful. Let's see what gifts I got rattling around here. Okay, Scott, I thought long and hard about this. What do we have? And this is the gift that I landed on. Are you ready? I'm ready. The gift on which I bestow your child is that they shall sleep for four days a year, twice a year, but they'll never know when, so they get to stay awake for the rest of the year. Mm-hmm.

- Hey, hold on, hold on. This is a lot of math. - That is the gift on which I bestow your child. You're welcome. - So wait, sleeping four days a year straight? 24 hours a day? - Your child will only have to sleep four days a year, twice a year consecutively, and then they have the rest of the time to be free and do activities and frolic and do art and painting and literature.

I mean, honestly, that's the kind of gift I would like for myself. But here's the problem that I see. I'm going to have to be asleep. And if my child is not sleeping, there's no one to watch her, which means then I'm just the mind is reeling at the possibilities. It means then my wife and I are going to have to alternate sleeping. We're never going to be able to sleep at the same time. It's not that I don't like the gift because I think it's cool.

Okay, well, I have a few other gifts. I guess I could. Yeah, I mean, this one is maybe not the greatest fit for our lifestyle. Our lifestyle is we like to sleep at night. Oh, weird. Yeah. Thank you for saying that. So, okay, I guess I'll go through another gift. We're not out rioting. Scott doesn't like the gift. Time for a new gift. All right. Okay. Oh, oh, this is a fan favorite. Are you ready? Oh, okay. Yeah.

by gift I bestow upon your daughter is she will always be able to tell if there's a root vegetable under her bed. Wow. That's a good one. If there's a root vegetable under her mattress, she'll always be able to tell. That's pretty cool. Does it have to be under the mattress or maybe like she's been eating a potato or something like that? I think I specified it has to be under the mattress. Did I not just say that? No, the first time you said it, you said just under the bed, which could mean like a crumb that falls under the bed. I see. You know what? We'll widen it out. Sure.

What do we think? What do you think of the gift, Scott? I think it could come in handy. It's pretty powerful. Wow, that's, yeah. I mean, it's like the princess and the pea kind of situation, you know? Yeah, except anyone could feel a rutabaga underneath a mattress. Like, that would hurt. I don't know.

I don't know if you get a nice, uh, wait, who's sponsoring us now? Lisa, what do we got? Uh, Oh, I'm not saying any, I'm not going to mention any brands because comedy bang bang is brought to you by Rudy's rutabagas. Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm seeing perhaps. All right. That's no matter. I have more gifts. I don't know. More gifts down the list. By the way, we were just saying it sounded cool. So I don't know why you,

moved on to us not wanting it. Well, no, no. If it's a conflict of interest, we'll move on. Okay, how about this gift? She'll see pretty well as long as she has a light prescription for glasses.

She'll be nearsighted? So she'll see pretty well as long as she's got a tiny little pair of glasses. She'll have glasses. I mean, with everything that you, as a parent, you worry about like, oh my God, or, you know, can they develop something that's happening? What horrible thing could happen? Yeah, exactly. You know, maybe a sharp stick in the eye or something like that. This actually sounds pretty...

like it's hedging a bet oh you're saying it will avoid severe blindness sure is that right or are you just saying she will be nearsighted so here's the thing i give the gift in the moment and then what the universe does with that gift is what the universe does with that gift how about this i how about i just i lay out five gifts and you can pick okay yeah yeah yeah okay how about that yeah can i get in on this action or is this all for scott well we'll let we'll let people pick what gifts they want

for their children. Oh wait, so this is sort of like a white elephant kind of thing where we need to pick them and then can someone steal them away? You seemed a little ungrateful so I'm opening it up to the group. I'm not ungrateful. I really appreciate this. These are great gifts. You're afflicting his child with nearsightedness. Do you do this with all babies by the way or is it just me? There's a list. Can I be honest with you?

My sisters get the good babies. I'm not saying your baby's not a good baby, but I got the podcasts. You got the podcast, Nepo podcast babies? Oh, they do film and TV. The pink sister does TV. The blue sister does film. I sort of do podcasts and social media. What if it's a couple who's a TV star and a movie star who have gotten together? I'm trying to think of an example. They get two gifts.

Oh, okay. I got to say, I think podcasting is like the new media. Like in terms of media, like podcasting is so powerful. It's actually better than movies and TV, right? In ways it's better. It's more powerful. Hours of quality content. I agree. Well, the thing is there's no gatekeepers anymore. Oh, yeah. You make the content as you see it. We are the gatekeepers. Sure, the awards aren't there. Like, you know, what do you get? Webby's for whatever it is we do. Streamy. I've maybe thrown away two Webby's.

Same. You and me both. But anyway, okay, so lay out these gifts. Okay, here we go. Are you ready? I am ready. Here we go. Okay. No need to ask if I'm ready, by the way. I am constantly ready. Okay, me too. Here we go. I'm ready. You're ready? Okay, I am ready.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Just give me, honestly, just one second. Take your time. I'm ready. I'm ready. Here we go. Okay. Whenever you sing, by the way, you float a little bit. That is cool. Can we do that? Oh, is that one of the gifts? Do you need to sing in order to float? Well, that's sort of my gift. And so if I gave that away, then I'd be giving away the gift. Wait, who gave that to you? Who gave that one to you? Oh, we can't talk about her. Can I tell you what my gift is? Please. The gift of memoir. What?

Wow. Wow, two to be exact. That's right. They're not on top of each other. They're separate. Sure. Are we ready? Okay. Here we go. Okay. The gift of which I shall bestow to your child is you only need to use a GPS if it's a place they haven't been before or haven't spent much time.

I like that one. I like that one, yeah. Because I'm always like, how do you get to that place? Right, but you'll just know. You'll just know. Unless it's a place you haven't been before or haven't spent much time. Okay, I like this. Okay, ready. Brown hair. Do we need to pick, like, when one comes up, do we need to buzz in or anything? Well, how about we go through them and then we can divvy them up. How about that? Brown hair. Brown hair.

Brown hair. I think I already have that gift. Okay, next. Oh, okay, you can tell how much change is in someone's pocket. Jewish, already got that. Okay. Okay, ready? Oh, here we go, here we go. Your child shall have such good taste in TV shows that she recommends TV shows to her friends and they say, okay, we'll watch, but then they forget about it and six months later they go, I watched this really great TV show and she goes, that's the one I was recommending to you earlier. Mm-hmm.

This is pretty good. I mean, you know, she's got friends. That's good. So many friends. You know what I mean? She's not a recluse or an outsider. Just so I clarify, the gift is that she's able to suggest things? She just has great taste. She has such good taste in TV shows and is ahead of the curve. I got it. Always watches them when they come out. She kind of knows what's up. Yeah, yeah. Although it sounds like she doesn't have a job. She has so much time to watch TV. And her friends don't really respect her. They're like, yeah, okay. I don't know. I'm not sure about this one.

Does she watch the commercials? Does she watch the commercials? Well, if she doesn't have a job, she probably has the Hulu version that's unsupported. Are we ready? Here we go. Can fly, but only when no one in the world is thinking about her.

Oh, man, that would be depressing to know no one's thinking about you. Because you could start flying. You'd be flying and all of a sudden you'd be like, oh my God, you'd know someone was thinking about you, but then you would die. Yeah, do they just crash to the ground once someone thinks about you? Only one way to find out. Okay, this is no good. Because I think you'd be depressed in one hand because you're like, oh, I'm able to fly. Great, no one cares about me. Oh, somebody does care, but I'm dead. But I'm dead, yeah, this is no good. Okay, last gift. Are you ready? Oh, okay, we got one. Really good and cool name for improv teams.

Good at creating the cool names for improv teams. Yes, and everybody goes, and then you drop the name like Plaid Earth, and everyone's like, oh, that is a cool name. What was the one you said? Plaid Earth. Plaid Earth? What are the best names for improv teams?

Scooby-Doo Flat Earth Picture Frame Window. Oh, those are good. Wait, is that one name? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scooby-Doo Flat Earth Picture Frame Window. God, my favorite group. I play a card game called Scooby-Doo Flat Earth Picture Frame Window. Oh, okay. Look at that. It's actually a weird coincidence, the truth is. Everyone gets one card? Yeah. I'm on a team called 14 Buckets.

Are you really? I didn't know you did improv. I do. Who's on the team with you? It's just you and... Me and Mark Furtman. Okay. And a book. And a cap. And a cap full of parts. I saw the set you did when Jason Manzoukas did monologues and it was beautiful. Thank you so much. Yes, we cleaned the stage. And Jason personally went around saying, yes, I support all of these people on stage. Yes.

Okay, so let's list them. We have the flying. We have the improv. Scott, all my gifts bad.

I'll be honest, I like gifts bad. I mean, they're not great, to be honest. I don't know that I want any of these. I mean, brown hair is cool, but I got it. We already have it, yeah. But what if it's just like different brown? It's a slightly different shade of brown. It's a slightly different shade, and then she walks into a room and people go, oh, your hair, it looks different. It's like a really nice auburn with kind of tints of red in there. It's really, I don't know that I want to change it, honestly. The truth is, brown hair is like,

I mean, I have brown hair, but it's the most common color of hair in the world. Yeah. I mean, it's not like you're unusual. Well, that's why I thought people would. So I come up with these little inside baseball here. I come up with all the gifts myself. You don't say. Yeah. And so it's one of those things where I spend a lot of time thinking about that. And I thought brown hair is the most common hair color. So nobody's going to be mad. I think I know what one of the gifts of your sisters is. Tell me. The gift of being able to come up with good gifts.

Yeah. Yeah. You weren't burdened with that gift, unfortunately. I don't know. Can I tell you something? Yeah. I went to school to be a dentist. Really? Like that elf in the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer or whatever? Yeah, or like my favorite movie, Afterlife with Ricky Gervais. Two very similar movies. Yeah.

I love the IP on both of those. I went to dentist school and nobody took me seriously. I wanted to be a dentist for serious people like adults that did finance. Why wouldn't they take you seriously? Because look at me. Look at how I dress. Look at my little wings. My perfect little coiffed hair. Yeah, your button nose. My stunningly beautiful voice. You're floating again. I know. And nobody could take it seriously. And so now I'm stuck giving these shitty gifts. Hey, you know what?

I'll take the brown hair. Do you mean it? Yeah, I think it's a good gift. No, you don't have to. No, I think it's a beautiful gift. Honestly, I think brown hair is really nice. Are you sure? No, I'll take it. And I want to thank you for bestowing it upon my daughter who already had brown hair. Yeah. You're welcome. Is that cool with you, Scott? Yeah, it's fine. I guess I'll take the improv thing, although I don't want her hanging around improv. That would be amazing. Especially the teachers. I only get paid if people accept gifts, so I really appreciate it. What were the other ones? Uh...

I don't mean for you to remember all these shitty gifts that you've already thought of. Vegetable under the bed. GPS. I'll take that one. Really? You'll take the GPS? Oh, do you mean it? Do you mean it, Pine Star Lady? I do. I'll take the vegetable under the bed. Oh, I'll take the GPS then. Okay, thank you. That's actually not bad. Thank you. Actually, you're right. That's the best...

Well, I mean, brown hair I think is really cool, but being able to not need GPS generally, that's a pretty good gift. Although sometimes I'll know exactly where I'm going. I flick on the GPS just to see what the ETA is, you know what I mean? I do that as well. I do that as well. Let me ask you something, Tinsley. Please. Do you want to give better gifts? Me? Mm-hmm. I mean, I'd like to try. I don't think anybody wants to be bad at what they're doing in life. Drink some of this. What is this?

take a capful if i had to guess it's probably pine salt that seems so like out of left field scott there's no way that it's pine salt is it pine salt is it actually pine salt or are you after she drinks it i'll tell you you may as well drink it let's suspend can anything hurt you by the way i drank it already all right i got a little secret for you that was extra strength pine salt oh extra strength 40 percent more

Do you have CTE anymore? Yeah. I'm thinking much clearer. Okay, this is a start. Cognitive tinselina. I don't know if you knew this. I was on the UPenn rugby team. Oh, okay. UPenn, the Quakers. Yes. The Quakers. Are you able to think of a gift? Yes. Okay, what's the first thought, best thought? What's the first gift you can think of? Okay, first gift I can think of. Ready? Three, two, one.

microphone. A microphone? A microphone. Speaking louder. A loud voice. Hold on, hold on. A very loud voice for a tiny, tiny little bee. You're usual suspecting it right now. You're looking at the microphone. The loudest voice Close your eyes. Don't look at anything in the room. Oh.

What's the first gift you can think of? Dark. So dark. I think the Pine Sol has made it worse, Pine Sol Lady. It does not feel like the healing elixir that you promised it was, Pine Sol Lady. That's the power of Pine Sol, baby. So wait, that's a bad thing? You're able to Kaiser Sol say everything. I don't know. I don't know. I think you should go back to dentistry school. Did you ever become a DDS? Did I? Yes. I tried.

I tried my best. Wait, did you try? Did you do it or not? Yes. You can't say yes. I tried. There is no try. Only do. That is the power of Pine Song. I thought it was. That was beautiful. Listen.

Family obligation is hard, as you know. You have children. It's difficult. There's just things that you have to do. And my sisters already are busy with film and television. There's sort of a renaissance happening in both of those, especially with the advent of streaming. So they needed somebody to take over. Although budgets are going down and they're not picking a lot of pitches these days. Does that mean I'm going to need to take over those? The landscape is bad. And that's why I say podcasting is the future.

or a media. Or pine casting. It's where you take two capitals of bison and pour them in your ears. What happens? You get the power. The power of pine tall? Yes, baby. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. What were we talking about, you and I?

A wonderful question. What was the question again? Oh, no. She's floating. Oh, my gosh. She's floating. Look, don't float away. Oh, man. I wouldn't. I couldn't. I can't go that far. That's my gift. Really? Because I can float, but not that far. Oh, really? Did you give yourself that gift by any chance? Are you just like flying waist level like a dragonfly? I can float a little bit, but not too far. Oh, man.

So what are you saying? I could just come up with better gifts for myself and people? Or go back to dentistry. Yeah, or neither. Yeah, or neither. What am I supposed to do then? Well, look, do you have generational wealth? Do you have to do anything?

I'm very rich. Well, then just chill. That sounds cool. All right. I'll buy the house. How much, Scott? Wait, I'm not saying like... I'll take it. How much, Scott? No, no, no. This house is not for sale. Wait, how much do you have? Me? Yeah. How much do you want to spend? Six gifts. Oh, okay. I don't want any gifts. I'm rich in gifts, Scott. Yeah. Oh, really? Then you need to go back to dentistry then. I have an offer on your house. Oh, really? What do you got? I will give your daughter brown hair five times.

It'll be really brown. Five brown hairs, Scott. It's going to be like super brown. All right, we have a deal. Oh, amazing. I have a new house. Okay, Pinesaw Lady, I thought of a gift for your children, the buckets. Yes. When they drink liquids,

they will not taste any kind of liquid. So it'll feel more like a solid in their mouth as opposed to a liquid. Wait a minute. Wait, they can't taste the taste of the liquid or... Liquids will feel like solid. You gotta chew liquid. So like when you're drinking a beer, it's like drinking a beer-sicle? Yes. Wait, thick water?

That's a great name for an improv troupe. Thick water. Oh my God, did you give him that gift? I snuck it in your pocket. What can I say? Thank you. Thick with two C. With two C? With two C. I started lifting. Wait a minute, did you give me the gift of lifting? I did. I just thought it'd be funny. I don't want to lift. Because then your daughter will feel confident and have shifted a power dynamic. But I have to do a podcast. I can't.

I can't even say podcast. Say Pinecast. Pinecast is even worse. Say Subculture Vulture. Tony Montana. Okay, I can say that. All right, guys. Look, we're running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on Just So, and that is a little something called, I can't even say it. This is a little something called Plogs. I got a new book, y'all. Got a TV show. And this is when I'm allowed to let you know. Oh, no.

Plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plugs, plugs, plug in, plugs. No, not kind of. Plug, plug, plug, plug, plug, plugs, plugs, plugs, plug in, plugs. Only whole family is in your imagination. Plug.

All right. That was Never Gonna Give You Plugs by Nickel Festival. Thank you to Nickel Festival. And guys, what are we plugging? Most obviously the Subculture Vulture. God fucking damn it. I can't even say it. Subculture Vulture. Memoir on 16. Available now. Any...

Any different way you want. Audiobook, in real book. I'm also going around... Did you read the audiobook or did you get someone else to do it? I read the audiobook with the exception of two lines. Who did the two... Or is that a surprise for when people hear it? It's a bit of a surprise. Oh, wow. Is it the last two lines or the first two lines? No, it's in the middle. It's in the middle? Yeah. Did you get Barack Obama? Barack Obama? No, I... Listen, the story is I...

I don't want to tell the story. Okay, don't tell the story. It's in there. Oh, man. Now I wanted to tell you the story. Yeah. All right. We'll tell the story. But I'm also doing stand up. I'm on tour with the book. I'll be in D.C. I'll be in San Francisco this weekend, but it's sold out. So you can't come. But February 6th, I will be in D.C. and New York the next night on the 7th with the book. And I'll be in Portland on the 16th. And then I'm going to Chicago, Brooklyn, New York.

And I'm in L.A. for the Netflix's The Joke Festival in May. Just go to MosheKasher.com. You can get all those tickets. Oh, I'm going to Madison and Tacoma, too. Just go to MosheKasher.com. All right. That sounds so good. Pine Thaw Lady, what do you want to plug? Oh, I'm so glad you asked. First of all, I'd love to plug Pine Thaw. Go into your stores.

And it'll get your whole house clean. Yep. Any store you want to go into. Like liquor stores? Down in Compton? They do have, yes. They do. Korean-owned liquor stores in South Central Los Angeles. They do have fine soap. They're loyal. I'd also like to plug a nice claymation show on Peacock called In the Know. Oh, yeah. I have some cookies, by the way. Did you see those cookies? I did see those cookies. You want to take the one that sort of looks like you? No. I want you to keep it. You want me to eat that person's face? Yep. Eat his face. Okay.

I saved it for you for like a week now.

I have my hand raised. I forgot something very important to plug. Wait, Pine Sol ladies, these are your plugs. Do you mind feeding one of your plugs over here to both of us? Take a plug. With the power of Pine Sol? The power of Pine Sol. The power of Pine Sol compels you. Take a plug. I would be remiss not to mention my podcast that I co-host with my lovely wife, Natasha Leggero, the Endless Honeymoon Podcast, where we do relationship advice. We have people's deep, dark secrets that they leave us. It's very funny, and we would love for you to listen. Alright.

Right. Wonderful. See, he's been on the throw before and see the plugged it. All right. I have more. You're back. Yes. I also love this basketball podcast.

on Patreon called The Flagrant Ones. This is The Flagrant Ones? Yes. It's hosted by Hayes Davenport and Sean Clements and Carl Tartt. Do they ever drop the act? I still don't know. Also, there is a new football podcast on the HeadGum Network called Foosballs, hosted by Carl Tartt, Greg Gallant, and Ryan Meharry. Wow. What do they talk about? Football. Just in time for football to not be around anymore. Just in time for football to not be around. So it's going to be a lot of dates for the whole offseason. Yeah.

All right. Tinselina, the green fairy, what do you want to plug? Okay, so here's the plan. Are you ready? Yeah. If you think I should go back into dentistry, leave a couple of teeth under your pillow. I'll go and I'll collect them and that'll count as a vote towards going back to dentistry. And if you don't want me to do that, then I'll put a little hope and a wish in your child's pocket and that'll also be a little gift.

Those are great plugs. Yeah, it's a good plug, I guess. Why not just put like a quarter or something in the pillow? Oh, I thought of something else. What's that? Dropout.tv. You can watch that as well.

Just watch anything on it? All of it. Start back from the beginning with the old college humor sketches and once you got all the way through the discography... I don't have that kind of time. Can I just watch something specific? I'd like to plug Tubi. Okay, sir. Why not? Just Tubi. That's good, sir. Are you feeling like you don't have enough time, Scott? I'm going to put a little gift in your pocket. Okay, I don't... I really want to sleep. I like sleeping. Well...

I don't like the lifting. Don't take back. Okay, yeah, you need to take back the lifting. I wish I could. Oh, God. Okay, what do I want to plug? I want to plug, hey, comedy back... God damn. Now it started affecting other consonants. Did you open that little wish in your pocket? See what I put in there? I can't think comedy back back anymore. Wait, I'm doing it again. Maybe just put a tooth under a pillow tonight. Oh, my God. Okay, comedy back back action figures.

are available now. The Scott Aukerman and J.W. Stillwater ones. You can order those now. We're releasing them two at a time. And J.W. Stillwater comes with a cloth cape. Go over to...

shop at no shop dot figure collections.com. Uh, that's free shipping with us address. And then if you're out of, uh, if you're in Europe, go to, uh, action figure seller.com. Um, and, uh, those are really cool figures. And I've, I've seen the ones that we're doing in the future. They're really cool. So, uh, and, uh, sales have been really good. So they might be running out of those. Also, you mentioned Netflix is a, is a, is a joke. I did. Um,

We're going to be there May 7th, I think, in L.A. There's literally, I think, only 20 tickets available. So head over to Netflix. Netflix is a joke. They put you in a 20-seat theater? Yeah. Wow. That's such a small, intimate show. The Elephant Theater at the Broadwater. So tiny. All right, let's close up the old plug bag.

Here we go. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo. Solo.

It was a pleasure.

And everyone go out and read his book. And Pine Soul Lady, so great to have you on. That's the power of Pine Soul. Okay, you're making fun of me too now. I am, you goof. All right. And look, Tinseline, I'm begging you. I can't do another show like this. Please take it back. Okay. I'll take brown hair back from you so you don't even have to worry about that anymore. No, no. Take those lispies back. Oh, no. She's gone. Oh, fuck. All right. Well, I guess I have this forever now.

We'll see you next week on the 850th episode. Did I have to do this during it? Oh, no. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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