Live at The Belasco w/ Lily Sullivan, Paul F. Tompkins, Claudia O’Doherty, Andy Daly, Carl Tart, Tim Baltz
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, host of Comedy Bang Bang, which is the podcast you're listening to. And what you're about to listen to is the first live episode of 2024, the first live episode we recorded just last week. This is live from Los Angeles at the Belasco Theater, and it's just a taste of what's to come in the Bang Bang Into Your Mouth 24 tour, which starts in June.

very, very soon. We hope to see you out there. It's Paul F. Tompkins, myself, and the CBB All-Stars. We're going to be going to so many cities. We're going to Boston, Brooklyn, Philly, Washington, D.C., Durham, Atlanta, St. Louis, Nashville, Tucson, Phoenix, New York,

San Diego, Salt Lake City, Denver, Austin, Dallas, Toronto, Royal Oak, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Madison, St. Paul, Sacramento, Oakland, Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. We're going to be visiting all of these cities. We hope to see you out there for tickets today.

Go to cbbworld.com slash tour. That's comedybangbang.com slash tour. And you can get tickets for almost all of those shows, although some of them are sold out. Get the tickets while you can. We're going to be so happy to be out there to see all of you this summer. And so without further ado, this is live from Los Angeles, Comedy Bang Bang.

What the fuck is going on here? These are primocitos! Oh my god. They're on their way?

How do you know, sir? He gave me a, I don't know, for the benefit of the doubt, thank you so much. I gotta do this. Hold on one sec. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Richard Nixon is trying to kill me in my sleep. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Can I still jump? I don't know. Testing it out. Thank you to Alfredo Solis Fuentes, catchphrase superstar, for that. Hi, guys. You gave me a real friendly, like, I appreciate that, sir. Welcome. Welcome to the show. What are you drinking there?

Coke. Wonderful. Enjoy the show. And your Coke. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Los Angeles sold-out show. My name is Scott Aukerman. It's so wonderful to have you guys here. The fact that you remember us and you keep coming back to these shows is incredible. We have a great one for you tonight a little bit later. We have an actor, I believe. We have someone in politics. We have another actor. Yeah!

Uh, who else? Check my notes. A podiatrist. Good show. No, it is gonna be a good one. How many of you have been to a Comedy Bang Bang show? We love it, our super fans. How many people have been to one of the shows on the Netflix's A Joke Fest yet? Ooh, this festival is a disaster. But QB is here!

The Netflix is a joke period fest mascot, QB. We all remember Vincent from the Just for Laughs Fest who resigned in disgrace. But now QB, we love him or her or them. Hi. The sound person like approached really in a startling manner.

Netflix is a joke fest. Wonderful to be here. We have a long history with Netflix in the sense that our TV show was on there for years and then suddenly wasn't. Why? No one ever told me. Sold out show and this is technically the kickoff to our tour. Thought he was sitting down, just checking things out. Making sure everything's copacetic over there. Everything was, it seemed like.

I love that. Very friendly interaction between the two of you. Wonderful. It is our, uh, we are also celebrating our 15th anniversary this week. We have been going so long that some of the first podcasts like Serial and Conan and Smartless, we've been going longer than they have been going put together, which doesn't seem possible. You may ask, what am I doing up here? I'm just stalling until everyone gets settled, pretty much.

We have a great show. Some of your favorite performers are here. If you've never seen a Comedy Bang Bang show or listened to the podcast, essentially this is an unplanned conversation. I will bring on guests like a talk show. We've not discussed what we're going to talk about beforehand. The minute the performers are allowed backstage, we put noise-canceling headphones on them, and we bind and gag them as well, so there's no communication between any of us before the show.

So are you guys get ready to... Boy, this is the first show. Are you guys get ready to started? Are you get ready to started? All right. Let me bring out our first guest, essentially a co-host for the evening. We first spoke to him with our good friend Jake Johnson when his mother, the publicist, thought she was calling the Sony lot.

And instead, it turned out she was calling the proprietor of a pizza place. Please welcome to the show, Tony Sony! Oh my god, wow! Look at this crowd, oh my god! Look at this crowd! Wow! The size of an audience. This crowd, how you doing, Scott? Oh god, I'm gonna come on and pinch your cheeks! I'm gonna pinch your freaking cheeks! Give me that neck! I want that neck! Are you strangling me? What do you want to do with it? I'm strangling you!

Give me those earlobes. All right. Tony, keep your hands to yourself. Look how far over we are. You're really backing away. Be careful of this area. We don't want to fall off the stage. Yeah, okay, okay. When do we sit down? My gams are... Your gams? Tony, you are an Italian-American gentleman. You're not a woman. May I remind you? My gams are raking. Oh, God. Your getaway sticks? All day long, I'm making the pizza pie. What'd you say? Okay.

It's a good sign that we're saying, what did you say so early in the show? Sit down, sit down. Okay, I get to sit here? Is that your water? It is, but if you need it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm going to need it later. When I'm at pizza. Did you know something? Did you know you're the love of my life?

I don't think so. I think your wife, you're a married man. No, no. I hate my fucking wife. Don't make me, don't get me started on my freaking wife. You also have a guma. Oh, my guma, my guma. Oh, most beautiful woman I ever seen in my life. You're right, Scott. She's the love of my freaking life. I look her in the eyeballs, I say, do you know that every day is a blessing with you? When I wake up, I think,

God that he put me here with you with your head on the You know usually when you have a guma the relationship is you do your business with her I don't know what you decide to do when it comes to business with your guma What are you talking about? You mean talk for hours?

I guess, in addition to other things. But then you leave and you go back home to your wife. Oh. And you wake up with your wife. I don't want to talk about my wife, okay? Freaking Nobel Peace Prize winning wife. I don't want to talk about her. She won the Nobel Peace Prize? She won the Nobel fucking Peace Prize. For what? She cured a disease. Did they give the Peace Prize at the Nobel Peace Prize for that? Maybe. Yeah, there's peace now. Nobody has to deal with the disease anymore. What?

What disease did she cure, if you don't mind me asking? It was a butt disease. You know she's a butt doctor. Proctologist, you mean? She's a butt doctor. She invented, you remember, she invented BBL. The Brazilian butt lift. Yes. Right, yes. I told you, I could get you a nice deal on BBL. I may take you up on that, because it's a long tour and these chairs are not that comfortable. You need some more cushion back there. I see you. Some cushion? I see your butt, I say...

Come on, please, let me give you a BBL. Let me get some meat on that thing. So she is the creator of the BBL, and there was some sort of butt disease going on? Yeah, it was such sad stuff, that butt disease took out so many likable people. Kim Kardashian, she's dead. I hadn't heard the news. She died. R.I.P. to a real one. R.I.P.

Yeah, it was a body double at the Met Gala. Really was it? That's right, yeah. That little sweater she had over that big sparkly dress. All a body double. So you're really into fashion? My guma loves fashion, okay? That's right, lean back. Let's stretch out a little bit. This is a good impulse. Didn't wear a suit of shirt. Maybe you should have worn your apron tonight.

Yeah. So obviously, you know, I do stand up at the freaking pizza shop, right? That's right. Yeah. We've talked about this. Tony here is an amateur comedian. Yeah. Yeah. Amateur. Sure. Right. Look at me in front of this big fucking crowd. Love them. I like this crowd. Wow.

I think they're here for the show, not necessarily you. In fact, you were not advertised. No way. This is a Sony-sponsored event. That's right. Sony is sponsoring this. Sony sponsored this. Sony's So New York Pizza? Yeah. I use my wife. I use my allowance I get from my wife. One million dollars a month. What do I get for this fucking theater? What can I put up that the people would like? He says, how about a couple of speakers? Yes.

So you just rented these speakers right here? You're welcome. How's the sound, everybody? It sounds fucking great, doesn't it? Everybody's like, wow, that's the best sound I ever heard in my life. Sound of a microphone. Now, you make pizzas of an unusual size. I make pizzas the size of your fucking head, Scott. Biggest pizzas you've ever seen in your life. These are small pizzas. They're huge. We got, what do we got? We got cheese the size of eyebrows.

Eyebrows? What? Eyebrows cheese. The size of your eyebrows. Size of your eyebrows. Yes. The slices or the actual block of cheese? The chunks of cheese. The size of your eyebrows. You know what I'm talking about. No. Okay. We got, what else we got? We got sauce. You have to lean back with me. I'm just trying to mirror what you're doing. I realize that this is how I talk in the studio. Okay.

What else? We got sauce. We got pepperoni-sized eyeballs. Did I say that? Those are small pepperoni. Those are like micro pepperoni. Biggest pepperonis you've ever seen in your fucking life. And we got a new topping, Scott. New topping? Really? This is huge news. Wow, listen to the crowd. Oh my God, I can't fucking wait to hear. We got side of parmesan. I thought you said topping. It's on the side?

We got the most beautiful, biggest side of Parmesan you've ever seen in your life, Scott. Size of a jaw. It's fucking unbelievable. People come in, ooh, I can't wait to talk. I, Tony, I just, I don't think these are big pizzas. These are, you keep saying they're the biggest ones. I truly don't think so. All in New York. We won biggest pie contest in 2002.

Right after 9-11. I know that's what you were thinking. Okay, sure. I know that's what you were thinking. In the shadow of 9-11. People were still reeling, but New York was coming together. It's only 7-23. I got to mention 9-11. Before the show gets going.

Tony, these are small pizzas. I certainly don't think you hold the world record for pizza size. What do you think the biggest pie in the world is, Scott? What, size of a wheel? Size of a fucking umbrella? What are you thinking? You know, I have no idea, honestly, but there is someone we could call to find out. Oh. Who in the world?

know something like that. Wait, Brett, is it possible to make a phone call from the stage here? Could we call Fred Guinness? Brett's giving a thumbs up. The other guy's going... Is it possible to call Fred Guinness? Because he's in Ireland right now. I'm not sure what the time difference is. Oh, wow. Ireland. Home of the bread. That's what they always say.

Home of the bread. I've never been, but boy, do I want to go. I feel like you said bread the first time and then burg the second. What, are you looking at my lips? Yes, I am. I got implants, yeah. You have lip implants? Yeah. My wife, you know, she fucking does a BBL. She has extra silicone, whatever. She says, where you been, where you been? You haven't been here.

Okay, fine, whatever. I've been working at the pizza shop. She goes, why don't I shove this in your lips? Okay, I think it's ringing. It's ringing? I assume it's ringing. Oh, okay. A graphic came up on the screen. Brett, is it ringing? It's ringing. Hello? Hello? Hello, Fred? Hello? Hey, Scott? Yeah, Fred Guinness? Yeah, man, it's 3.30 in the morning.

326, I would imagine. Okay, okay. What's up, man? I'm sorry, Fred. I don't know what hours you keep. That's all right. I thought you were a night owl, but I apologize. I had a Guinness Book of World Records related question for you. Oh, yeah. We've been swamped lately, Scott. There's been so many records lately. Really? Like what?

Oh my god. There's been some updates on a few. We got an update on the oldest niece. Let me ask you, Fred. Yeah. Do you qualify, in order to qualify, does your aunt still have to be alive? Yes. So then wouldn't there be an oldest aunt record as well? Nope. Wow.

Everybody's so prejudiced against aunts, you know? Nobody registered. You gotta register to break a record. And this niece, she wanted it bad. So how old is this niece, if you don't mind me asking? She's 81 years old. Okay, I mean, that's old, but for a niece? Yeah, but her aunt is 165. And she didn't register? She didn't register. She didn't want it bad enough. Oh, man.

That's a missed opportunity. We've got another one, the fastest wheelbarrow. Can I guess what speed? Sure. Price is right rules? Absolutely. One dollar. I don't get that. I'm sorry, you're in Ireland. I keep forgetting. There's an American television show called Price is Right. I don't know. I know what the price is right is. I don't know how one dollar is a unit of speed. You don't know what one dollar is in relation to the price is right? Come on, man.

Scotty. I'm sorry. So let me guess. 10 miles an hour? 15. Wow. Dang. That blew me out of the water. Who's up? Tony, Tony. What are you doing, Fred? What is up, my man? My man told me. What kind of bread are you eating right now? Oh, my God. That good Irish bread. I knew it. I can hear it in your mouth. I can hear it all the way. I know. I keep a loaf by the bedside in case I wake up in the middle of the night and get a little peckish.

Oh, I'm so jealous. Wow. Sounds unbelievable. I can't wait to go someday. You've never been to Ireland. Yeah, come on, Toby. You gotta come over. I know. I want to see the dolphin. You gotta see the dolphin. Oh, Ireland. I can't wait to go. The sand. The what? The sand, I believe. Oh, yeah. You gotta see the Irish sand. The sand. The dolphin. Tony, we had a question about a particular...

You said pony because you're obsessed with me. It's fine. Well, maybe I was talking to you. Have you ever thought about that? Tony, we had a question. Oh, okay. Yeah, we had a question for Fred. For Fred. Fred, here's our question. What is the world's biggest pizza? The world's biggest pizza was constructed in 1999 and it measured the circumference of

of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. - That's a big pizza. - That makes- - Yeah, and then rats ate it. - Wow. - They descended upon it from every borough. - They heard about it in other boroughs? - They called each other. - I remember this, I remember. - They have a special language. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was disgusting. - Wow. - And then they got into the biggest, then they set a record for the biggest rat king. - How big was this rat king? - I'm gonna say 250,000 rats, all tied by the tail.

I seen one of those before. It's a scary thing. It's a scary monster. Only way to kill it? Whistle some soda pop. That's right. Yeah, you pour soda pop on it, Rat King. The bubbles make him go crazy.

That's right. They burp themselves to death. Yeah. Really? You won't have such sad sights. Do you have rats in your... So many fucking rats. How big are these rats? Oh, these rats. The biggest rats you have seen in your life. They're the size of a tissue box. That's kind of big. Nasty, nasty. But I make friends. I got my friends.

The rats? Yeah. You're friends with the rats? You have to have a couple rat friends, you know? Keep the rest of them on my plate. Oh, that's true. Yeah, see? He knows. Friend knows. How old is the oldest rat friend? The oldest rat friend... Are you flipping through the book right now, Fred? Yes, exactly. Yes. Oldest rat friend...

Oldest rat friend is the actor Rupert Everett, and he's in his 50s. So he's a friend to the rats. Yes. So, okay, it works both ways. Great. Yeah. Oh, did you want to know the oldest rat friend who is a rat? I'd love to know that. Or a friend to humans that is a rat.

Yeah, that's what I meant. Sorry. Yeah, okay. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Seven. Whoa, that's the oldest rat I ever heard about. Seven? Seven. How long do rats end up living? A hundred years. And this seven-year-old is the oldest one you've ever heard about? Come on, Tony. Well, I poured the soda pop on mine, so I've only met the youngins, you know what I'm talking about. I think I know what you're talking about. Tony is a famous rat murderer.

Tony's a famous rat murderer. Is that what you said, Fred? Yeah. Yeah. Not the most famous rat murderer, though. No. Famous for rat murder, or can you be famous like, you know, a Jay Leno type, and then... Oh, that's a good question. I'm not sure why I'm putting killing rats on his name. Oh, I love Jay Leno. You do, really? Yeah, I love his outfits. Canadian tuxedo! His big fucking chin! Ha ha ha!

It's not part of his outfit. No notes. Perfect. No notes. Did you find what you were looking for in that book? Yes. The oldest rat friend who is a rat friend to humanity. Wait, did we move on? Was there another question? No, no. Yeah, that one was 100, right? Yes, but no, he was not. No, Tony, that's you. Like a brown rat lives two years and a black rat lives 12 months.

Whoa. Whoa. Yeah. Why so long for the brown rat? I think they just know how to live. You know what I mean? Like, they just don't stress. They smoke. They drink wine. Yeah.

They got that... They're living in a blue zone, you know? Have you heard this? No! No, what is that? I've seen it on TikTok before. My guma shows me. Basically, if you live in a blue zone, you're eating a Mediterranean... A lot of light fish. Maybe a little rice here and there. Maybe a chunk of bread. Maybe a little bit of wine. But you're just... You're baking in the sun. You live longer than anybody. It's facts. These are facts.

What? Skin cancer. Alcoholism. Oh, my God. He kills my bus. Fred, that's your name. Yeah, Fred. Can I... Can you... I mean, we're in the middle of a live show. We're calling you from the Belasco in Los Angeles. Oh, cool. Yeah. We're trying to set the record for rowdiest crowd.

And one guy chipped in. Wow. That's not bad, not bad, but I'm afraid that the record is still held by the crowd from January 6th at the nation's capital. Damn. You'd be hard-pressed to find a row to your crowd. They stole podiums. I might steal a cube. I don't know. Wow, look at that thing. I wish you could see this cube, Fred. The biggest cube you've ever seen in your life.

Are there some of the famous Netflix cubes around? Yeah. There's one at least. Maybe there's more. Maybe there's like a cube hunt going on backstage. Oh, please let there be a cube hunt going on. My favorite kind of fucking thing is a cube hunt. You guys ever seen a cube this fucking... Let me hear it. Listen to that crowd. How did we do, Fred?

Sorry, still got to beat the QAnon shaman. Well, maybe someone will jump up here and steal that. Fingers crossed. Fingers crossed. Hey, Scott, we got some new Dark Records, unfortunately. New Dark Records. Oh, no. Okay, now, if you haven't heard Fred Guinness talk about the Dark Records, these are unofficial world's records that are... Yeah, they're not a book.

They're in a special book that we keep at the Guinness headquarters. Okay, can you tell us what these are? I'll just tell you a few. Longest Drowning. Oh, no. It's supposed to be really painful when you drown, isn't it? Oh, it's not good, yeah. This was a woman named Agnes Semple, and she was on vacation in Greece, and she drowned in the Aegean Sea, and it took all day long. It was 12 hours.

You mean to tell me she drowned in a blue? She drowned in a blue zone, yeah. So they're not all perfect. Was she eaten? Was she eaten right at least? Oh no, she looked gorgeous. Oh, that's nice to hear. Very well preserved. That's awful. Twelve hours. Did she keep getting almost out of the water and then drag back in? What happened? She was just sinking so slowly. Okay.

Did it start at her ankles, or...? Well, I mean, I guess it always does, right? Unless you jump in headfirst. So when do you start the clock, Fred? It's when the water gets into your lungs. Oh, okay. So the water was just trickling in there, and then eventually, you know, she got topped off. She sounds full of water. Tony, you've nailed it.

We got another one here. Most candy denied to children. Most candy denied to children. Yes, that was Easter Sunday, 2018 in Minneapolis. And there was a guy dressed up as the Easter Bunny for a sort of church event after after services. And he just wasn't feeling it that day.

And the kids were so mad. He had a huge basket of candy, and he would not... There was approximately 200 children, and that is the largest amount of children that have been denied candy by one person. Tell me something. Did he at least give the kids some eggs? Nope. Not a thing. But he does not hold the record for most eggs denied to children. Who holds that dark record, Tony? Late President Gerald Ford. LAUGHTER

I knew I didn't like him for some reason. Yeah. After he retired and left the White House, when kids would trick-or-treat, he would offer them a hard-boiled egg, and then when they reluctantly opened their bag, he would say, psych, and then throw it over his shoulder back into his house. Over his shoulder? Yeah. He didn't care. Wow. Wow. Do we have any more dark records, Tony? Yeah. Least lovable. My name is still Fred. You gave him a thorn.

Least lovable pet? I'm interested in this one because I think I have a lovable pet. Yeah. But who got this record? Well, this one is a tie, a very rare tie for any kind of world record. Yeah. And it is all snakes. What are they? Ball snakes? All snakes. I don't know. I met a snake or two I liked. Liked? Liked.

Not loved. You're supposed to love a pet. Yeah. You ever have a snake? I have a ball snake, if that's what you're asking. But we can talk about that backstage. No, no, please. I don't want to hear anymore. What, you wrap your balls in a snake? Never mind. That's what he does. Fred, any more dark records there? Just one more. Drunkest surgeon. Drunkest surgeon.

Now this better go to my wife. Is your wife a surgeon, Tony? Yeah, she does BBL. She's a butt surgeon. Oh, I guess that counts. You would accept it if it were in the book? Yeah, if it were like, you know, least impressive surgeon, sure. So who won drunkest surgeon?

A guy named Sergio Fatimono, and he is in Tuscany, and he just drinks wine all day, and he's a thoracic surgeon, and he is very, he's, as drunk as he is, he's surprisingly good at heart transplants. Wow. Wow. What a name for a surgeon, Sergio. You couldn't make it up. You couldn't make it up. Certainly not on the spot. Thanks.

Wow. Well, Fred, this is such a service you're doing for us to tell us about all these world records. I know it's 3 now 41 in the morning there in Ireland, but do you think, I mean, we're doing a big show here. Do you think you could stick around? Oh, yeah, I'm up now, you know? Yeah, just chime in occasionally. All right. That's not a direction, by the way, when I say occasionally. As often as you like.

No, no, no. I meant that, you know, given the nature of this, I'm sure it'll all go swimmingly. Well, maybe you set the record for most chime-ins. I don't know. Yeah, I would love that. I didn't know I was in contention for that. Let's see how it goes. All right. Well, Fred Guinness, everyone. Wow. Thank you. From Ireland. Enjoy the bread over there. Love it. Loving the bread.

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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Well, Tony, are you ready to get to our next guest? Absolutely. I can't freaking wait. It's a celebrity, right? It's a celebrity. Freaking celebrity? A huge celebrity. One of the biggest celebrities of my fucking life? Look, we're in Los Angeles. Oh. And you know my Rolodex, baby. It's full. They're a celebrity? Get them into there. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey, that's one chime in. Name the biggest, name the three. You're counting. Name the three biggest celebrities you got in your Rolodex. Three biggest? Yeah. Alive. Because several of them are no longer with us. Boy, it's been a bad year, hasn't it? It has. It has. Kim Kardashian, we lost her. Yes, of course. R.I.P. Yeah.

And then the handjob man was recently referenced almost in a rap song. Yeah, the handjob man. So close. Inches away. Inches away. Can we get him to get a mention? But this is a bigger star than all of them. They've only done one live show before with us. It was a special one, and that was in...

I would say a different continent. Yeah. International. International, which is where they're from. Oh, did we give it away? Who is it? Give us a guess. One, two, three. Pitbull? What? What? Pitbull. Ladies and gentlemen, Pitbull. Pitbull. Oh, no, no, no, no. Mr. Worldwide is not with us. Where do you want me to sit? Where do I go? Here? I don't care. Okay.

I'm having enough trouble with my part of the stage. I love you, okay? I love you, I love you. We love each other. Okay, we love each other. Everybody stay calm. All right, all right. They're one of the biggest stars here in Los Angeles. You're going to go crazy when you see them. Please welcome Claudio Doherty. Oh, my God. My God. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

So lucky I heard you introduce me because we were having such a loud cube hunt backstage. Were you? Yes. How many cubes did you hunt for? And then how many did you find? We were hunting for 17 and ultimately we found zero. But there was a lot of yelling, Scott. Wow. We were yelling a lot. Yeah. Where do you think they're hidden?

I couldn't tell you. Everywhere I haven't looked so far. Yeah. Tell me, did you check the bathroom? No, that's a great idea actually. I'd love to go to the bathroom. I do need to go to the bathroom. Do you need to go right now? We'll wait. Yeah, I

I think I can hold it. Okay. No, you go. Go. I'm here. Bring the microphone. I'm too excited. I'm too excited to go to the bathroom. I mean, I am in shock that I'm here. Yeah. Very exciting to have you. We, I mean, you've been on the regular show quite often, but then you were on in Sydney, Australia. Sydney years ago. Right. Which is where you're from. It's where I wish I was right now. Okay. Okay.

I'm trying to get back there, but my mom keeps sending me back here. Right. Did you... Can I ask, did you win another... Don't even ask, Scott. Well, I was... I mean, this was very recent. I was taking my evening stroll out by the Belasco Theatre because there's no greater place in downtown Los Angeles. I love downtown. It's so beautiful. Beautiful.

It's a beautiful place to be. Every part about it, every street corner. The smell. Wow, how did they get it so clean and nice? It's so relaxing down here. And so, you know, I get a text alert on my phone. I'm thinking...

What the hell is this? I thought my phone was on silent. That's unusual for you to have a text. Very unusual. After midday, I'm not getting any texts. After, like, noon? Yeah. Midday. Midday. Do you say that in America? Midday. Well, I speak Australian, so I know. You... What's...

Do you have like an Australian accent you can do, Tony? Yeah. I knew I'd have to bust it out at some point. I just want to say midday, right? Oh, she said midday. Yeah, she just said midday. I was right here. It's just I can hear it so much better when it's in my own accent. When it's in a perfect version of my own accent. That was pretty good. It blew your fucking mind, didn't it? It really did. And now you're Italian again and I'm confused.

But I guess you're just an Italian chef, stand up, who can do Australian accents. Yeah, well, yeah, I studied abroad there. Excuse me? I studied abroad. You studied abroad? Yeah. Okay. Why can't I say that now? Who did you study? Who was she?

I studied Marilyn Monroe. Whoa. Love of my fucking life, Marilyn. The best brought around. Yeah. Do you think she's ever had a BBL? No.

She had a lot of work done. Did she? Yeah. No. Nose job. Before and after videos all over Instagram. I need to see this with my own eyes. Okay. You should check it out. But I was actually walking around because I love to take a walk of an evening. Sure. Downtown, the best place to walk. And I'm scouting out restaurant locations because I've quit acting. You've quit acting? Yep. It wasn't going as well as I'd hoped.

No. I mean, you know, I've seen you in some television shows like Love and... Killing It. Yeah. Yeah. You were, I want to say this, you were killing it and killing it. You were blowing my fucking mind. Oh my gosh, you're getting so sensual with me. Well, I'm touching you now. Oh my gosh. In your arm. It's electrifying. This is sexual harassment from a man like Tony Sona. Oh, is it? Okay. Yeah, yeah. You've got to be on your guard. So I shouldn't like it. No, I don't have, I don't know.

I have a daughter. I have a daughter. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a daughter. Oh, you're innocent. I'm fine. Yeah, totally fine. I have a daughter too. I have a daughter and I have a mother, so I get to touch whoever I want. Okay. Yeah. Me too. That's awesome. Okay, fine. Yeah. All right. This is scary. By the way, Fred, uh, Fred Guinness is on the phone with us. Oh, Fred. Do you have a daughter? Do you have a mother?

I did have a mother. I don't know where she is. I do not have a daughter, but I do have a fish. Is the fish woman or man? Is that Claudia? It is. What's going on? I'm just, well, I was going for a walk nearby the Velasco Theater and I got a text alert that I'd won a Netflix is a joke competition. So I really didn't expect to be seeing Scott and of course, Tony.

You won the Netflix is a joke period fest competition? Yeah, you can only enter it if you've got your period. Yeah, so. But did you have a heavy enough flow that they said we got to text that?

Is that how you win? Well, yeah, because it's like, essentially, if you soak through your pants, it touches the phone and then it sort of sends the sensor through to them. So you're telling me you were walking around beautiful downtown Los Angeles. Yeah. Having bled through your jeans. Bled right through. And all of a sudden, your phone goes off. You won Netflix's In a Joke period contest. Yes. You've got to come in, you've got to hang out with these two handsome gentlemen. Yeah.

Wow, good for you. That's exciting. So it's all just so many twists and turns. I can't believe it. That's incredible. Who notified you? My phone. Yes, I understand. But who was communicating via the phone to you? Oh, well, my mom. Oh, you have a mother? She runs a lot of competitions and enters me in a lot of competitions. And I have amazing luck.

but I was trying to move back to Australia to spend more time with her and the rest of my family. And she said, even though I've quit acting, I had to come back here and open up a restaurant. What a restaurant. You've got a restaurant? Yeah, it's called Creamy's.

Creamies? Creamies. What a beautiful name. It's a red zone diet restaurant, so we just have... It's just like we only have fettuccine, Alfredo, and chocolate milkshakes. That sounds so fucking good. Sounds like I've been eating there for the last three years.

So what, you put the fettuccine in the milkshake? No, that's crazy. We have the fettuccine in a shallow, wide bowl so it gets cool as quickly as possible. And then we have a chocolate milkshake on the side as a refreshment. And also all of our locations will be in the direct sun. Well, are you talking, am I on a patio?

eat here or am I indoor? It's patio exclusive because we're very COVID aware. Tell me something. Are we close in this patio? Am I close to the road? Am I close to cars and exhaust? We've got our eye on a few locations that are in the middle of roundabouts. That sounds fucking gorgeous. It's gorgeous. There is no shade. Tell me something else. Are we close to the bathrooms?

There's no bathroom. There's no bathroom. You can't go to the bathroom. So it's similar to how I feel right now. There's nothing I love more than having a big milkshake and no bathroom anywhere near. And don't forget, the pasta's pretty liquidy too.

Oh, so it's a liquidy Alfredo. Oh, yeah. Because people are like, actually, it's just butter and cheese. No, this is cream. It's a lot of cream and cheese. What do you got for dessert? This sounds amazing. Ice cream sundae. Oh, wow. It's creamies. So there's no fruit. There's no fudge. It's just ice cream. Why do you call them sundaes? Because we have them.

Are you only open one day a week? Yeah, Sundays. Yeah. And so it's like the sunniest Sundays, which actually would be a better name, but it's, you know, it's a red zone diet. It's a red zone restaurant called Creamy's. Yeah, this sounds amazing. How's it doing?

We haven't opened yet. Well, I'm scouting locations, looking for something in downtown Los Angeles. Great idea. Eating on the patio on the streets of downtown? Sign me up. Yes, that's what I'm thinking. You might see a Laker passing by and catch his eye. Exactly, and then you could fall in love with a Laker. If he likes creamy food too. I bet he does.

I bet he slurps it up. You got a Carbo Load right before those games. You do. You've got a Provolone before those games? You've got a Provolone. We should put Provolone in the Alfredo. That would be an interesting twist. You've got a Provolone before those games. You really do. May I take this moment to ask if we could have more in the monitors? Yeah, I feel it's something I've been feeling the whole time. I'd like that too, please. You need that too, Fred? I wouldn't mind it. Yeah. Yeah.

It sounds bad. What? Why would you say that to me? Are you talking about the sound? No, no, I'm talking about the idea, of course. Creamies. You just said you've been eating like that for the past three years. I don't believe you at all. But I don't want to. No, you do. That's it. Okay. Audience, I'm calling on you. Wouldn't you love to spend a Sunday at Creamies? Yes!

Wait, I got a question for you. With this red zone diet, how long you live until? 50 max. And things go really south at about 41. I'll also, but like, do we really want to be alive that much longer? I know, that's disgusting. Come on, guys. Scott would be dead. I'm 29. I'm 29.

I think you've been eating too much creamy food. Well, not enough. You want to die. I want to die? I don't think you have the concept of this restaurant down in your mind. Well, this, I mean, Claudia, good luck to you. Thank you so much. Hope to see you there. I,

I would love you to come to the opening Sunday. Do you want me to cut the ribbon? Exactly. And the ribbon, of course, is a big, long fettuccine noodle. Wow. So that's right. I wonder if it's going to be the longest noodle in the world. Fred, do we have any data on the longest noodle in the world? Yeah, it's only three feet.

That's, you know, that's long and that would be long enough to cut in a sort of ceremonious fashion. You got to admit, that's a long noodle. It might be hard to make anything longer. I mean, I would be impressed by it. I'll give it a go.

What about the largest, I mean, do I need a big pair of scissors? Because it's always disappointing when you see an opening. You know how many grand openings of supermarkets I go to? Of course. Did you go to the new Air One in Silver Lake? Hell yeah, baby. That was a huge day. Circled in red on my calendar. Did they use a fettuccine noodle as its... Wait a minute. I like the word fettuccine. You like the word fettuccine?

Yeah, I thought that Encolani was going to say fettuccine, and I think that sounds adorable. No, I'm a grown woman. I would never do that. I said fettuccine noodle, normal style. I apologize. Okay, thank you.

You don't have a daughter, so just back off. Yeah, well, yeah. Come over here, Claudia. Come here. I'll take care of you. Don't you worry. Yeah, we'll take care of you. Don't you worry, you sweet little head. We'll give you both sides of a massage here. You're safe here. You know what? Later on, I'm going to pick you up. What do you mean? I'm going to hold you up. I'm going to pick you up just to make myself feel better. You know what I mean?

Oh, I do. Yeah, I hate that, but okay. I have a friend who's very tiny, and men always pick her up. Okay. Which is very annoying to her. You have a tiny friend? That's amazing. How tiny are we talking? I don't know. 4'10"? The way his eyes moved. What?

4'10", no way. I'm not going to say 5'2", something like that. Something like that. Something normal. But Claudia, back to my point, I hate when I go to a supermarket opening and they have the big ribbon and then they take out just like a normal pair of scissors. It's not okay. I want the giant ones. You need the ceremony of a giant pair of scissors. I understand that completely, but unfortunately we will be doing the fettuccine chopping with a big sword.

Big sword. Whoa, big sword. What kind of sword are we talking? A poodow or like a... What do you mean? Yeah, a poogow. You into swords, Tony? Yeah, I got a whole collection back at home. How many swords? I got one, two, three. I got about three swords. Fred, I gotta ask, is that the biggest collection of swords? Nope. Medieval times in London, England. Medieval times in London? Oh, I'd love to be there. You'll never compete with us. Flagship restaurant. Flagship restaurant. Really? Yeah.

So a sword, though, is it big compared to swords or just you mean it's big like a sword? No, it's big compared to swords. Really? Yeah, it's about four times bigger than your regular sword. So it's heavy, but you're a strong guy, right? Sure, yeah, I could pick up a... But because it's such a floppy fettuccine noodle, you are going to have to really like...

Chop it really fast to make sure it doesn't just like droop underneath the weight of the sword. It makes me think it's going to hit the ground. This noodle. I envision it hitting the sidewalk as it gets cut. I know. The problem is it's so heavy. So it's like it might bounce back and sort of chop you in the head. So you just have to be really careful. Do you wear a face guard at all? Of course. Can I really? Yeah. Put on your face guard.

What? What did you just say, Fred? I was doing a little, I was quoting another Fred in a manner of speaking. I was doing a little Rock Lobster for you. Put on your face guard. I'm just trying to have a little fun. I always thought he looked like the guy from French Stewart from Third Rock from the Sun. 100%. They look really similar. Fred, do you quote exclusively Fred's? That's right. So Fred Durst's?

Fred Durst. I wanted to call Robert Durst so bad, but I couldn't make the lateral move. Oh, I do want to... Frederick Douglass. I just remembered there is... I have quit acting, but there is one role I'm hoping to play that I will come out of retirement for. Ghostface from Scream.

It's better than Ghostface from the Wu-Tang Clan. Exactly. Yeah. Because he not normally for people when they want to be him, they say like, hello, Sydney. But I have I know what he actually says. Oh, OK. Listen to me, you little fucking bitch. Isn't that exactly it?

Wow, that... That's to Drew Barrymore, right? That blew my fucking mind. Really good. So, you know... I love classic lines from cinema. Exactly. Are you going to be, what, self-taping audition for something like this? I don't even know if they're looking for people right now, but I just thought there's probably quite a lot of movies and shakers in the audience tonight. Yeah, anyone here from Miramax, Harvey Weinstein's company?

Oh, please let there be somebody here for me or a mix. Nobody who wants to sign me in my stand-up, no? We'll get to your stand-up. Do you want to do some stand-up at the end of the show? I'd love to do some fucking. Listen to that. The crowd wants it. Oh, they're begging for it.

Yeah, yeah. Tell a couple jokes. I'd love to hear it. I love stand-up. Do you? Yeah, I love to listen to it and laugh at all the jokes and hear the observations. It is entertaining to me, so I would love that. Do you love improv shows, too? Uh, yeah. Yeah.

Big time. They are, you know, they're so concise and everyone knows what they're doing. And, you know, it's really a lot of fun. It's really, you feel like, yes, I should have come out of my house for this. This is not about just these people fulfilling some kind of thing they've always wanted to do since they were kids. It's not, it's good. It's good. You kind of trailed off there, Claudia. Yeah.

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Need to go backstage for a bit, or are you okay? No way. I'm going to ride this thing through. You know what? You go ahead. You take a piss right here. We won't look, right?

We'll all turn our backs. Nobody will look, okay? You need to change your tampon. You do whatever you need to do. Are you on your period right now? I'm allowed to ask. I have a daughter. Of course I am. I was when I won that competition. I just want to make sure that you are still on it. I don't know. These things, they come on and off. My grandma, suddenly she's in a mood. It's like, okay, she's on the fucking break. Yeah. Well, why don't we get to our next guest? Yes.

We were talking about Miramax, which is one of the great Hollywood companies. And this is one of the great Hollywood politicians. He was the mayor of Hollywood, as well as a game show host. Please welcome Chip Gardner. Chip Gardner, everyone. Thank you, everyone. Thank you. What a crowd. What a wonderful night. What a wonderful streaming service Netflix is. Hello. Hello.

Scott, Antoni, and Claudia. How do you do? Excited to meet you. I'm excited to meet you. Jim, are you forgetting someone? I beg your pardon? Are you forgetting someone? Yes. Fred Guinness. Oh, I know. Fred, I was going to say hello to you a little bit later. Oh, I didn't realize. I'm sorry that I messed with your timeline. No, it's fine. Hello, Fred. Goodbye.

Chip, rather. It's great to see you. It's wonderful to be here. I haven't seen you in quite a bit, I feel. Seems that way. Yeah. Now, to catch everyone up, you were the mayor of Hollywood. Scott, I seem to have to correct you on this just about every time we run into one another. I have never been the mayor of Hollywood. As a matter of fact, there is no mayor of Hollywood.

It is an honorary position. There is an honorary mayor of Hollywood. This person is appointed by the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. I have been lobbying for the position since 2008 when it became vacant through the death of Johnny Grant. He was called back to hell in 2008.

And I've been trying to get his job ever since then, and they've appointed no one to the job in all that time. Do you have any idea how many years it's been since 2008? Too many to even count. I'm going to say it's been 20. You're very close. It's been, would you have a guess? 18. Even closer. I'm going to go 28. Good Lord. Whoa.

It's been 16 years! 16 times around the sun. It's been...

Don't know why they're clapping, Scott. Neither do I, honestly. And they still won't give me the job, but there's been some movement on it, Scott. Oh, good for you. Okay. It's one of the things I'm here to announce tonight. I have two announcements. Two announcements? That's right. And then you're out? Just two. I want more. I love announcements. Any way you could think of maybe eight more? Good Lord. Probably. But here's the first.

I have managed to install three loyalists on the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce who have promised to vote for me as honorary mayor of Hollywood. Stephen Mell of Mell's Diner. Over there on Hollywood and... Vine. Vine, right? No. No. Highland. Highland. Highland. Highland and Hollywood. He's a Hollywood business owner, as you know. Sure, Mell, yeah. Dolby O'Reilly of the Dolby Theater.

I always assumed that was a last name, like Thomas Dolby. A common misconception. And of course, the afore-greeted Fred Guinness of the Guinness Museum of Records and Things on Hollywood Boulevard. Oh. Really? So, Fred, you're on the Hollywood, what is it, the council? Hollywood Chamber. Why can't you keep it in your head? Because I don't care. Ah.

The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce. Chamber of Commerce. Fred Guinness, you're on the Chamber of Commerce. That is correct. Even though my residence is now in Dublin, Ireland, I do retain a seat on the council. That's right, because he's a business owner in the heart of Hollywood. Because the Guinness Museum is right there on Hollywood and Highland. Where it routinely kicks the ass of Ripley's Believe It or Not. That's correct.

And I must visit the Guinness Museum for at least six hours per calendar year. That doesn't seem like a lot. It's not. But you know what? When you're in there, it feels like forever. So are you doing it like 20 minutes at a time over a long span? Oh my God. I really like, I will. I'll book myself a trip for a month in Los Angeles and I'll go in for like five minutes at a time.

Even if you really try hard, you can't spend more than about 15 minutes in that museum. I got free tickets once. Yeah. And I really got the experience of like how much there is to see there because I didn't have to stall in order to make it seem like it was worth it. So I was in and out in three minutes. There you go. That's right.

How long do you think you would have to stall to make it feel worth the, I'm assuming, $18? Like, I think you would feel like you would have to spend an hour there. Yes. You know. Good luck. Wait, this is on Hollywood Boulevard? That's right. And Highland. One of the most beautiful streets. You put your restaurant on Hollywood Boulevard. That's an amazing idea, Tony. Thank you so much. Out on the beautiful sidewalk with all the gorgeous people. Is it sunny? Yeah.

It's so sunny and so nice and everyone is great. It's a perfect place. I love it. Yeah, great people. Full of Hollywood stars. All the stars are convening and meeting and hanging out with one another on Hollywood Boulevard. Batman. Batman. Minion. Minion. Pikachu. I love Minion. Pikachu, yes. Thank you.

Superman. Dirty Pikachu. They're all dirty. Blow down the dirty Pikachu. They don't tell you when you buy one of those costumes how difficult they are to clean.

That should be mandatory. Is that what you would do if you were mayor of Hollywood? That's one of the major things I would do as honorary mayor of Hollywood. A little tutorial on how to clean a mascot costume. Now, are you taping this and just showing it to people, or are you actually going and giving this tutorial? I'd have them over at the house. Mix up some drinks.

Would you have an event with multiple people at once or individuals one by one? One at a time, I think, is the best way to get the message through. That's lovely. And I've only got one spray bottle of OxyClean. One at a time. That sounds very intimate, one at a time. Well, that's the idea. What do you mean? I'd really like to get to know who's in those suits. Are they coming to your house in the suit and then taking the suit off? No.

Precisely. What do they wear underneath those suits? Hopefully not much. It's bound to be hot. I can't imagine that any of them are anything but nude. Do you remember that movie, Anything But Nude? Oh, yeah. I saw it three times. They had so many clothes on. I know. Everyone did. Yeah.

And it was like a competition, right? That they were all in. It was like an Olympic style thing of like, yes, it was a race across the country. You couldn't be caught nude at any moment. Yeah.

Showering was a nightmare for the characters in the movie. But everyone was horny, and so they were all having sex, and they would be disqualified? They were especially horny, and one of the teams put some sort of aphrodisiac in the drinks of one of the other teams to make them all the more horny. Bill Cosby was in this. Well, I wasn't going to mention. Oh, he was incredible in that. Breathtaking. I know what you will about the man, but he turned in a first-rate performance in anything but nude.

We can't take that away from him. Nope, they never will. Nope, never. Well, this is exciting. So how many, you have three people on the council. Yes, who will vote for me to be honorary mayor of Hollywood. How many seats are there on the council? 2,500. I didn't say I had it in the bag. I said there was movement. Well, it's three to 2,500. Well, I don't know for certain that everyone else is going to vote against me.

I'm hoping that those three will, you know, work the room a little bit. Sure, yeah. Fred, is that something you're willing to do? I guess. I mean, I'll be trying in my way to whip up support for Chip. That sounds very noncommittal. No, no, no, Chip, come on. Trying in your way. Why did you qualify it with in my way? Well, because I'm not the most persuasive guy, you know. Like, I'll probably go up to the people, maybe a few of them, and say, there's worse things you could do. Sounds like Rizzo.

Only the girls laugh? Only the girls laugh. That's a good movie, too. Only the girls laugh. Oh, when she laughs. When they laugh at the end. All the girls. Because they're holding it in for the entire movie. The whole movie, they held it in. And by the end, they all bust the gut. Let's hear from my guys, Grease Lightning. Ha ha ha!

All right, Fred. Well, Chip, this is very, very exciting news. I know. Your first of ten announcements tonight. Yes. Would you like to hear my second announcement? I guess so, yeah. What do you mean you guess so? Is there something else you want to do first? No, I could vamp. Here's the deal. Jeopardy, you've heard of this game show. Yes, it was hosted by a man, a Canadian man. That's right, Alex Trebek. For a long time. Who was also called back to hell, and ever since then...

There was a brief period, I believe, of five days where a gentleman by the name of... Mike Richards? Mike Fleming? No, I googled him today. It was Richards. Not Michael Richards. No, not Michael Richards. Mike Richards. Not the hilarious stand-up comic Michael Richards. Mike Richards. Things have been deliciously chaotic over there ever since Alex Trebek died. You've had that fella, and then Mayim Bialik was in and out. She's gone now. Gone. Now they've settled on Ken Jennings, and we can all agree...

He's shitting the bed. Ken's a very nice fellow. I say this as a friend. A friend to me or a friend to him? He and I go bow hunting in the Angeles National Forest most weekends. But he's shitting the bed on Jeopardy. So like four more wins. I'm sorry, guys. Folks, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I like the idea. It's an interesting concept of saying I'm saying this as a friend about someone. Do something about someone else. Yes. Yes.

I'm saying this as a friend. Ken Jennings is shitting the bed. I'm saying as a friend. This guy sucks. He's my friend. Exactly. I'm curious as to what way is he shitting the bed in? Well, it's just, he's terrible. Like how? Well, the way that he asks the questions sounds awfully smug. Oh, he's too smug. Chip. Yes. He's not asking the questions. Oh, yes. He's providing the answers. He's providing the answers.

Whoa, wow. But then sometimes if they don't know the question, he asks the question. By providing the answer. It's a very confusing show. It's too confusing for me. We still can't wrap our brains around it after all these years. Yeah. And yet we tune in every night. I say, what? And yet we tune in every night. Indeed we do.

What is your announcement? Alex, do you know, wait, do you know what she just said? Did you absorb it that second time? Is it important that I do? Comedy Bang Bang where every third sentence could be edited out. She said, and yet we tune in every night. I understood it just fine. On the second go-round.

I just want to make sure that people are listening to women. I have a daughter. Thank you, Tony. Good looking out. Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you. Yeah, that feels incredible. I protect girls like you. I really appreciate that. You feel safe with me. I can feel it. I've never felt safe on. I can feel it. Alex Trebek used to claim that he knew all the answers to questions.

But did he claim that he would know them before he was given the answers? Yes, yes, that was his claim. But you could tell he was lying. But with Ken Jennings, it's true, and it makes him smug. So it's better to watch a liar. Yes! Who's not smug. No, the host needs to be stupid, is what you're saying, right? Not stupid, but, you know, lying. Okay.

seeming as though he knows, but we know he doesn't. There's a fascinating tension there. Here's the point. My source inside Jeopardy says that they're talking about replacing Ken Jennings and my name has been thrown around. Oh my goodness. Wow. Wow. Hatsy matsy, that's huge. Pretty big. Thrown around in what regard? Literally what I heard is your name has been thrown around. Yes.

I'm assuming in the regard of let's get old Chip Gardner to host Jeopardy. But they could have just written your name on a ball and played a game of catch or something. You know, you never know. Why would they do that? Why would they do that? Occam's Razor said that they were talking about bringing me in to replace Ken Jennings.

Don't you think? I guess there is a universe out there where they wrote your name on a ball and started throwing it around. I guess I could ask for that clarification, but it doesn't seem necessary. I don't know. I think you should ask. What I'm wondering is whether it was two separate conversations. They were saying, we're going to get rid of Ken Jennings, and then they were also talking about you. Like, for instance, have you ever tried to get onto the set? Oh, yes. Have they...

Have they banned you from the Sony lot? I wouldn't say banned. Well, what word would you use to describe it? I would say I've been escorted to a different part of the lot. The outside of it? Yes, the outside. Just on the other side of the gate. But I emphasize escorted. Can I ask, you say you have a source inside the Jeopardy camp, which is shot on the Sony lot. Correct. Culver City. Beautiful. Have you just been talking to Tony Sony over here?

Yeah, we've been chatting. Sure. As you know, you know, I have connections to Sony. Right. Well, if you want to know something about Sony, you go to Tony Sony. That's right. That's right. Yeah. I got a lot of cease and desist from them. They reach out periodically. Hey, don't say that you're associated with us just because you have a pizzeria called so and why Sony. So I got you. Yeah.

She's really got her finger on the pulse of the jeopardy. Whoa! Don't misgender Tony over here. No, no, that's what he is. Are you okay, dear? He's a man. Not cool shit. What's the matter? Not cool. What happened? Tony is a full-blooded American male. Italian-American male. Italian-American. I beg your pardon. I don't see gender.

Now, is that because, and I apologize for bringing this up, the car accidents that you had, that there's no other way to describe this fucked up your face? There are a few other ways to describe it. But yes, you're right. One night on the Pacific Coast Highway, a Jeep ran over my face. Oh, my God. What you see now is the result of several face replacement surgeries. That's where they take the face... Of a corpse.

And try to affix it to my skull. Oftentimes, my body will reject the corpse's face. I think that's sensible. Can I ask a question? Yes. Yeah, this one's for Scott. Oh, thank you. Fred, I... Hi, Scott. Fred Guinness, Book of World Records. Yes. When you paused after you said the word face, were you going to say off and then ship...

Busted in with his explanation. I actually, and I know you can't see us right now, I was making the Nick Cage face-off gesture. I had a feeling. I had a feeling you were. And was unable to complete it. I had a feeling. You know, I'd never seen that film. What? You have to do Scott Hasn't Seen. Oh! Wonderful! More podcasts! Wow, listen to that excitement. Oh my God. Fantastic! Fantastic!

So you... Will that one require me to miss dinner like this one did? What were you going to have for dinner? Some fettuccine and a milkshake? Wouldn't that be nice? Kind of refreshing? Fettuccine and a milkshake? Yeah, fettuccine Alfredo with a chocolate milkshake in the hot blazing sun. Is the fettuccine mixed in with the milkshake? It could be if you got crazy, but at the beginning of the meal they're separate.

But that's on the secret menu, maybe? Yeah, it's the secret menu. I'd like fettuccine with a milkshake. Milkshake on the side, please. Is that how you order it? You combine them yourself. Yeah, it's up to you. It's America. That's not what I was planning to have for dinner tonight.

But now you kind of feel hungry for it. Here's what I'd like to do with your kind indulgence. Sure. I would like to use this as an audition to host Jeopardy. I'd like to play Jeopardy with the three of you. I have some questions prepared. Okay. I would love that. Oh, wow. And I...

This is a Hollywood savvy crowd. We have executives from Miramax here, from what I'm told. Really? And so I think that if the audition goes well, maybe we can get you in that room in Sony. Oh, fantastic. Absolutely. We get you in there. I know how. You're going to get me in there? Good. I know one way in, but yours is probably better.

Fred, you can also play. I guess, well, here's a, you'll have to say, say, say your name. Say Fred if you know the answer. Fred. Good. And I guess, should that go for all of us? We'll all say our name. We'll all say our name and whoever, instead of buzzing in. That's right. We say our name. You say your name. My name's longer than everyone else's. It's going to take her longer. It's not fair. Why don't we call you? Oh, do we have to, is that the rule? We have to wait until the name is completed?

I'll just say claw. There you go. That's good. Very good. And I'll say toe. Toe? Let me ask one thing. Much like Jeopardy rules, do we have to wait until your... Until the question is done. Until the answer. Until I'm done saying the answer. Christ, the answer. Okay.

All right. Yes, you must. I have five categories. I have one question per category because we don't want to be here all night. Okay. You can name your dollar amount anywhere from $200 to $2,000. I don't care. The numbers part of it is not my bag. When do you say the number? Hmm? When do you say the number? You say, I'll take potent potables for the number. Okay. Anywhere from $2,000 to $2,000. And then at some point, it may be... I'll take potent potables for $2. Okay.

We lost most of that, Fred. I said I'll take potent potables for $2. It's a little early for that, Fred. And that's a little low. I'm sorry. I thought you just said we should say I'll take potent potables for anywhere from $2 to $2,000. Oh.

Did I? No, you said 200. Thank you. That's what I meant to say. I didn't hear him say 200. I heard him say 2 to 2,000. Well, then, since everyone else heard 200, their lowest score will be 200. But since you heard 2, you can do 2. All right, great. But that means the answers are substantially easier. Is that correct? No. Not at all. Here are the categories. Okay.

As you may have predicted, potent potables. Hollywood heartthrobs. Rhyme time. World religions and ends in ub. Ends in ub. Is that ends in U-B? That's correct. All right, Scott, you go first because I said so. I'll take ends with ub for... I'm going to go with 2,000. Okay. Oh, wow.

Can't make it to the big concert? You may be able to sell your tickets to this. Yes. What is StubHub? No, I'm sorry. What? Toe. Anyone else? Toe. Oh, toe. Ticketmaster. No, I'm sorry. The category is ends in ub. Fred. Yes, Fred. Fight Club. No, I'm sorry. Not Fight Club. Scott, you have a good spot. It is a movie.

What? Scott. Your name is one fucking syllable. You can say Scott. You could throw the T's on there, I think. You know the... What is Beelzebub? That's correct! Yes! Oh, wow. You can sell him your soul and your tickets. Scott, you control the board. Potent Potables, Hollywood Heartthrobs, Rhyme Time, and World Religions. I'll take Rhyme Time for, in honor of Fred, $2. Very good.

This is what Ohioans will shout when they see the Dark Lord assail Dayton. Toe. Toe. Skyline Chili. No, I'm sorry. The category is Rhyme Time. Fred. I think that rhymed. Yes, Fred. Oh, no. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You've got to be kidding me.

That is incorrect. You don't think anyone in Dayton would say, oh, no? They might very well, but it doesn't rhyme with a sail Dayton. Toe, toe. You can't go again. Oh, come on. No. Let him go again. Let him go again. Let him go again, Jim. That's the problem. All right, what, what? Oh, whoa. No, it's not supposed to rhyme with what Fred said. No. No.

No. You're going to tell me nobody in Ohio is going to go, oh, whoa, while it's happening? It's not a question of what someone might or might not say in Ohio. House is going skyline chilly, shit your pants. Could you read the question again, Chip, or the answer, excuse me? Not really what happens on Jeopardy, but I will. They should, though. Yes. I think that would be great. Well, we can't see it. I know, yes. It's on a screen. You're right. This is what Ohioans will shout, and the category is rhyme time.

This is what Ohioans will shout when they see the Dark Lord assail Dayton. Fred. Yes, Fred. Mark Ford. For Christ's sake. The answer is Hail Satan! Oh. Oh.

That rhymes with a sale Dayton. You should have said which words you wanted. Yeah. I still think oh no was a great response. I think it was too. I can't tell if you really found it that difficult. You know what? It's a bummer that you only did one question for rhyme time. That's all you got one question for each category. I figured out how the category works.

the category. I didn't get that last part. But you're right. They probably could all be rhyme time. All right. The remaining categories. Potent Potables, Hollywood Heartthrobs, and World Religions. Do I still control the board? I don't know who controls the board. Yeah, I will. Why don't we let Claw do it? Thank you. I'd like Hollywood Heartthrobs for $600. All right. If you accept Satan as your lord and master...

You can spend eternity having this giant rebel fuck you east, west, north, and south of Eden. Claw, claw. Yes, claw. Who is James Dean? No, I'm sorry. Oh, man. Fred. Yes, Fred. Who is Lucifer? No, I'm sorry. That's it. Toe, toe, toe. Yes, toe. I said sis before you said toe. Why are you fucking... No, I said... Who is Mark Hamill? No, I'm sorry. No.

Toe, yes, Toe. Toe. Timothy Chalamet. Ooh. No. That would be great. We were looking for Burr Lives. A giant rebel. Giant rebel? He's pretty giant. And if you read the lyrics to Big Rock Candy Mountain, pretty rebellious. On a scale of like Mark Hamill to James Dean? But Timothy Chalamet. Also, Burr Lives was in East of Eden.

So? So what? So what do you? That was part of the clue. Oh, okay. Good lord. I mean, when you said giant, I was picturing really, really giant. Burl Ives is pretty big. What is he, 5'8"? Yeah, but barrel-shaped. If you'd said that he was a wide rebel, I would have gone with it. Giant rebel.

All right. The remaining categories are potent potables and world religions. Potent potables. Yes. Oh, okay, sure. Potent potables for $2. All right. When the end times come, this beverage, served hot, will be poured down your throat for eternity if you do not accept Satan as your lord and master. Po. Fred. I heard toe first. Claw. I heard taking attendance. Ha ha ha.

We'll go in that order. That's fine. Toe, Fred, Claw, and Sis. I'm going to go with a beautiful, silky tomato sauce. Incorrect. I think Fred was next. Fred? Coffee. Coffee. Incorrect. It's hot. What is chocolate milkshake? Oh, I'm sorry. No, that's incorrect. Goddamn. I just realized we haven't been phrasing these in the form of a question.

Someone had. Oh, all right. I have. That's one of the problems with Ken Jennings. You've been doing so good over here. Good job. Ken Jennings lets that slide? No, Ken Jennings insists upon it. It's a stupid premise for a show. You'd be okay with it if people just disregard it. Who cares for Christ's sake? Okay. Then I'm going to say iced tea. No, Satan's juice. Ah!

I've heard that tastes like a chocolate milkshake. Um... You're in for a surprise. I bet he doesn't come like... I bet the jizz tastes like blood or something for Satan. Like a fiery blood, don't you guys? Probably. That's what I picture. I don't know. A bunch of blood coming out his dick. They should let you have two goads at the questions. But ultimately, it probably looks like Alfredo sauce. Mm-hmm.

You know what? I think we can all agree. You're dead on with that. You're dead on. Piping hot Alfredo sauce. Finally, world religions. I think I'll just ask the question. Oh, no. Say the answer. Claw. When the end times come, the dark lord Satan will force the pope to kiss this part of his unholy body. Yes. Butthole? I'm sorry, what? Butthole?

That's the biblical way to say it. No, I'm sorry. That's incorrect. That's incorrect. I'm going to go with... Oh, toe, toe. Yes, toe. Toe with the belly button. Incorrect. I'm sorry, no. Anyone else? Fred. Yes, Fred. His luscious lips. Whoa. I'm sorry, no, that's incorrect.

Claw. Claw, yes, claw. His claw. Actually, I didn't have an answer for this one. I just was curious to hear what you thought. They're all good. They're all good. I think you passed the audition. That was... Really? I mean, I would vote for you. Is this an elected position? Fantastic.

Yes, I need you all to vote for me as host of Jeopardy. You seemed so annoyed at us, which was good, I think, for a host. Yes, absolutely. Yeah, you didn't come off too snobby. Right. You didn't come off like you didn't know the answers, but you kind of know the answers. Right, yeah. And you came off really stupid, which I think is good. Thank you very much. It's really good. I also had the idea that you would sexually harass the female members of the staff. LAUGHTER

I'm protecting the only one here. I wouldn't let him. That's right, Toby. Well, if that came through in my performance, then thank you very much. Chip Gardner, everyone. Amazing. Get out there and vote in November for Chip Gardner to be host of Jeopardy.

Well, we have an amazing guest here. This is Hollywood. This is the land of stars, and none brighter than our next guest. He's an incredible actor. I mentioned we had another actor on the show. He's an actor. He was an athlete. I don't know what he's been up to recently, especially in the last month or so. Please welcome O.J. Simpson. O.J. Simpson. Wow. Wow. Hey. Hey.

Hey, Belasco world. It's me, yours truly. I've got... Juice! Great to see you again. I thought I'd be seeing you more recently. You heard the rumor. I have... Honestly, and...

Every time you're on the show, I leave and I think, oh, I got to go check out OJ's Wikipedia page to see what he's been up to. Yeah. And I always forget something comes up. But, you know, I was a huge fan until probably, God, last week or so. No, I want to say like 1993 somewhere. Is that when you dropped off? Yeah, I dropped off around then. Interesting.

So I don't really know what you've been up to, especially recently. Well, recently, there's been a nasty rumor that has been surrounding me. No, juice. Yes. You know these people in this media, I tell you, Scott.

They are relentless. They don't know they're relentless, Scott. They say the meanest things about you. They say the craziest things. And I, for one, am fed up because this one takes the cake. What have they been saying about you? These people have been saying I died.

What? Yes. Can you believe that? Have you guys heard this, Chip Gardner? I had heard that. You heard this, Claudia? Yeah, I was really scared when you said he was coming out. Because you thought he was a ghost? I thought he was a ghost. Oh, yeah, that's a reason to be scared of OJ. Well, yeah. Go ahead, touch me. Touch me.

Touch me. Touch OG. Touch me. OG, I got a question for you, actually. You got a daughter? Me? Yeah. Yeah, two. Oh, good. You're safe. He's double safe. Two daughters. Wow, so people have been saying you died? Can you believe that? Now I've heard some wild things about me.

I've heard some wild things about me. I've heard that I quit the Hertz commercials because of a dispute with me and a PA. Ridiculous. Preposterous. And that's probably the nastiest rumor until this one. Ridiculous.

It's definitely the worst one. It's so terrible you had to live with that. I had to live with that for years. Because those Hearst commercials were in the 70s. Remember the 70s, Scott? Not really. Oh, man. No, Scott, you remember. You remember, Scott. You and I are of a similar age and ilk. I really don't think so, G. Scott, you and I are rivaling each other in age.

Yeah, I think that's right. Yeah, you're pretty old. 69, 61? High five, Juice. 69. High five.

Scott, you're going to need to renew the domain scottauchermanandojsimpson.com. I forgot that we got that. I won't be able to pay for a while. Why? What's going on? Perhaps the rest of eternity. So people have thought this is a true rumor. People thought this was true, but I'm right here high-fiving you, my best friend and confidant, Scott D. Aukerman. Scott D. Aukerman.

I've always said it. I love you, Juice. I love you, Juice. There must be no worse feeling than people gossiping about you and spreading a rumor that you're dead. I can't imagine anything that would feel worse. Nothing feels worse. It would be worse than getting your head chopped off. You would think. You would honestly think. What a nice looking crowd of OJ Simpson fans.

Everyone here loves OJ. Let's go. Let's pass a mic around and everybody say their name. I don't think we have time for that. No, we don't have time. 835. Do we not have time? Everyone's so hot. So fuckable. Fred, is this the most fuckable crowd you've ever heard? I mean, going by sound, I mean, I'm getting there. You know what I'm saying?

I do, buddy. Fred! Fred, my old pal. Is that Fred Guinness? Oh, Jackie! Juice! How you doing, Fred? Hey, Fred, where are you right now? I'm in Dublin, Ireland, Juice. Dublin, Ireland. You know, Scott, I've been to Dublin, Ireland. Have you really? Wow. Yes. Very rainy place. Yeah, washes everything away, you know, in a weird, odd way, you think. So green, too. Everything's green. People love green over there. Did you try the bread?

Did I try the bread? You know, when I was in Dublin, I was on keto. Oh. So I didn't eat any bread. You gotta try the bread. Fred, do I have any new records? Oh.

Because you had the one for like, what did you do? You were like a running back or something? Oh, yeah. The most rushing yards in one season. Can you believe it? That's the one. Incredible. Has anyone bested that since? Probably. Okay. The game has changed quite significantly since I was playing. Scott was right there on the sidelines. No, I don't think so. Scott bought the same car as I did, a white Bronco. Okay.

They let the players run now. What? They let the players run too much. Before they would tackle them. Back in the day? Back then they used to tackle them. Now they're just like, you want to run? Just go ahead. You want to run? Do it. Nobody's touching anybody. Nobody's getting in there. You got to really get in there and kill somebody. Exactly. Fred, what... I didn't hear what you just said. Fred, do you have those stats on if OJ has any new records? Um...

There is one record. Lay it on me, Freddie, baby. It's not that recent, but you are the only person who has ever been a record holder of this. Can't wait to hear it. It's Most Memorabilia Recovered from a Vegas Hotel Room. Yes. Wow. Thank you, Fred.

If I may say so, sir, that was your finest hour. Well, you know what? I would have to disagree with you on that, Mayor. That was probably my most... That was my worst hour, honestly. That was the worst thing I've ever done in my life. Really? And those people didn't deserve that. Really? I'm surprised to hear you say that. They had your things and you wanted it. I wanted my things back. And you went in there with a gun. But I did it in the wrong way. I should have just asked. If you did it...

Mm-hmm. Go ahead. How would you do it? If I did it, a lot of people think that I just ran in that hotel room like I was some sort of vigilante. But I actually have a lot of respect for law enforcement. If I didn't, no. Sure. Again. Sure. Because I did do it that time. Confession. Oh. You heard it here first. OJ's confession. I did it. I got my memorabilia back.

The words people have been waiting to hear. They've been waiting to hear it. They've been waiting to hear it for a long time. I got it back. Can I say for all women, thank you. Hey. You know, Scott and I have the same opinions on women. We love them. We absolutely love them.

We love them. Take care. We love them. Your catchphrase, finally. What? I've been waiting. Also, another nasty rumor that has been being passed around by the OJ Simpson fans of your show. So many of them. They love to live on Reddit. You know, they say the phrase wrong. Okay? Okay. They say things like, you take care now. It seems like that's gilding the lily. The now is extreme. It's definitely gilding the lily.

A phrase that I use all the time. It's doing exactly that. I never add now to the end. That's honestly insane. It's sociopathic. You have to be a murderer to add now to take care at the end of something. You don't care when they take care. I don't care when... I want everybody to take care. I don't have... I don't want anybody to feel like they are pressed for time to take care. I've never said you take care now. I've never said you. I say the general take care.

Take care. You said you'd take care, though. Never once. Never once have I said it. All right, we're going to check the tapes. Check the tapes. Check the tapes. Check all the tapes. Check all the tapes, yes. Should I do a Google alert on you? Please do. You don't seem like a guy who would lie about something. I would never. The evidence is there. Whether it's been tampered with is none of my business. Take care. What do you say to people...

What do you say to people who feel that from you, the words take care sound like a threat? I think it would be much bigger of a threat if I said, you take care now. True enough. You take care now, Scott. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha.

He picked up the cube! Oh my God. Very threatening. Wow, so OJ... Netflix. My good friend Ted Sarandos runs that company. I heard about your friendship. Yeah. Yeah, he wants to give you an hour special. Oh yeah, and I'm taking it. It's going to be called Take Care. Would you like to hear some of the jokes from me? Sure, yeah. Would anybody else like to hear some? Sure, yeah. Yes. Yes.

All right. So here's how the special starts. I got a flight to catch. Okay. The special starts with the audience just knowing that? Yes, because I say it. At the beginning of the special, my alarm goes off. Okay. Picture this. Your house alarm or your... My clock radio alarm. Got it. Picture this. Okay. It's 1994. Okay. My clock radio is... I'm just getting up from a nap.

My clock radio is... You know what I mean? You remember those? Sure. That sound was perfect. Yeah. I wake up, I got to be at LAX. Oh, no. My limo driver's outside. I already got my bags packed. You've just been taking a nap. I've just been taking a nap. All right.

Are you saying this stuff out loud in the special to yourself? No, no, no, no, no. I'm setting the scene. Okay. Okay, so we're hearing your thoughts. Yes. Well, I do say one thing out loud. I got to get to the airport. Okay. I got to get to Chicago. That's good. We know where you're going. We know you're at the airport, head to Chicago. I run outside to my back house. I have a very large home. And I knock on the tenant's door. His name is Kato. And I say, I'm hungry. We should get some McDonald's.

And then we go get the McDonald's and we return home. And by that time, the limo driver is there. And as I open my door with my two luggages, I walk out to a bright light and the crowd is there. Wow. That's cinematic. Cinematic, right? Yeah. I can picture that. Hey, OJ, in your special, is there empty seats like this right here? Yes. Those will be filled with paid seat fillers.

If anybody would like to be a seat filler for money, please let me know. Why go to McDonald's before the airport? There's one there.

Too expensive. In 1994, a Big Mac meal was $8 at the airport. $5 at a regular location. That's too big of a... Also, Kato was hungry, too. He's not going to go to the airport with me. He's not going to the airport with me. He's not going to Chicago. Kato is not a Chicago guy. I'm glad I asked. He doesn't have that Chicago sensibility. Oh, certainly not.

As I open the door to go and get the limo drivers outside the theater too for a little bit of a joke at the end of the special. But as soon as I walk out, I greet the crowd. They cheer. And I go, ha ha, good to see you all here. You ever be fucking... Get that dessert more from this audience. Come on, do it again. Notorious... Yes. A notoriously prudish audience for Comedy Bang Bang. You ever be fucking...

And the pussy fart, and you look down at the woman and you go, I'm just saying, take care. OJ Simpson! Oh my God. And how could I be anywhere else if I was filming that special for an hour? You can tell, you know what I like about that? You can tell you really love women. Me and Scott Aukerman are all women. Me and... OJ Simpson, everyone! OJ Simpson!

All right, I need to get our... Oh, that's right. We have one last guest. Are you ready for one more guest here on Comedy Bang Bang? I've spoken to him once before, and this is actually apropos because I've been having issues in this department, but he's my podiatrist. Please welcome Harry Footman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, thank you, Scott. Yeah.

Please my father's name is Daniel footman call me Harry. I I did. Yeah, that's my name So we don't have a problem. Yeah, we do not how's it going? It's great to be here. I've enjoyed the show from the side I don't need the reviews of the show I'm glad to hear it. But yeah, so how's your foot? I

Well, I mean, it could be better. I mean, that's why I called you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want me to take your shoe off right now, smell your feet, lick your toes, suck your toes, tell you you're a big boy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get to it. No, I...

Yeah, Scott, if you want him to do it, let him do it. Come on now. That's what you said. I can pull up my text. Brett, put it up on the screen. No, no, no, no. Scott begging me, please, I'll suck your dick if you suck my toes. And you wanted that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That does sound like Scott. It sounds like Harry, actually. That is classic Scott, actually. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. My fault, my fault. That was me texting it to you.

You can suck my dick if you want, but I'd love to suck your toes. That sounds a little more alike. It's called a 61, I believe. Scott, Scott, that reminds me of a lot of the parties we went to in the 80s, my friend. I was not alive in the 80s. Okay, don't lie to these people, Scott. I'll tell you, your feet were definitely alive in the 80s. I don't know what that means. They look old. Yeah, they look like a corpse feet, you know, like a dead person's feet. Tony, we're friends. I

I like you. I'll just be nice about your feet. Does the crowd want to see me warm up Scott's corpse foot by sucking his toe? You can't deny a crowd reaction like that, Scott. Scott's the only corpse up here. I wonder, what's the world record for most toes in one mouth? Fred? He died.

No, I'm so sorry. That whole exchange just put me in a reverie that I didn't want to go into. Anyway, the world record for most toes sucked simultaneously is held by a blue whale. How many are we talking? 300,000 toes. I can beat it. So is that 30,000 different people or...

It was the people who died in the Titanic. We're going to need a bigger boat. Juice. Famous quotes from cinema. I'm going to need a bigger mouth. Where there's a will, there's a way. I'll take famous quotes from cinema for $2. I'm not going to take my shoes off right here. What movie is that from? The Graduate, I believe. Oh, yeah.

I've never seen it. Oh, it's good. It's good. Dr. Footman, I called you because I wanted to make an appointment to go into your office and do this in a more professional manner. Right. And then I sent you a spam link that enabled your geolocation and I followed you here. Because I got to get at those feet.

As you know, I asked you to stop making appointments because I lost my medical license after putting celebrities' feet pictures on wiki feet. I don't know why you say, as you know. I didn't hear about any of this. We've met before. Does this look familiar? What's going on? What's going on? Fred, I'm sorry. He has no sense of who I am unless I'm down by his feet. Likely story.

I would really rather go into your office, but do you want to do it? Do you want to pretend we're in my office? Step into my office, take off your shoes, close your eyes. Why is the door jam so low? Great object work, Scott. Tony, we're friends. I know. I was being eerie. You and I are friends. That's why I had you on as close. Hey, you're the love of my life, okay? Who is Marcel Marceau?

All right. Oh, we're already in the office. You just snapped your fingers. Did we teleport? Yes, we did. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you love something enough the way I love feet, you can teleport. You should be able to teleport based on loving your family, but it seems like you don't love them as much as I love feet. Which is okay. There are a few things I love more than my family. OJ Simpson. OJ Simpson.

This panel of guests, I imagine, they rank higher. Okay, let's get those itchy shoes off. My shoes aren't itchy, but can I sit while I do this? Sure, yeah. This is for the listeners at home. Wow, I'm looking at Scott's feet. He's actually taking his shoes off. What do they look like? What do they look like? Is one okay? Yeah, one is okay. I'm really worried people are going to be taking pictures of this.

Scott, this could be very good for your career. I mean, right, Claudia? Do you have your pictures up? Yeah, I've got five star feet. Wow. Five star feet. I would love to represent you. I'm an agent to Celebrity Feet. Do you have a daughter? Do I have a daughter? Yeah. A man like me? Of course. Okay. You're safe. It sounds great to me then. I was cursed with them.

What? As a punishment for what a pig I was earlier in my life. It's amazing what a daughter could do. Having a daughter changes you as a man. Suddenly you're like, whoa, women are once a daughter. My wife was once a daughter. My grandma was once a daughter.

It makes you okay. Still a daughter. Yeah. Yeah, you get it. All right, Scott, let's see that itchy foot. The foot is not, the itching isn't the issue. Right, yeah, he's sliding off his sock. Yeah, take it off.

Should I sing, like, happy birthday or anything while I do this? We could sing happy birthday to him, right? No, I don't want people to sing it to me. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Scott. Happy birthday to you. Oh!

Oh, wow. Why did we sing that? I think I was saying I was going to do it like Marilyn Monroe, and then you...

Ask them to do it. So I don't know. We should have done it much sexier then. We have to sing it the right way. Let's put the sock back on and do it again. How did you do it? Mr. President. How did she do it? Happy birthday to you. But then when did she do it? That's all I remember. You seem to know well. But she goes Mr. President in like a breath of air. Oh yeah, Mr. President. Happy birthday.

I'm staring at you, Scott. Scott used to date Marilyn Monroe. Let's cut to you. Happy birthday. Let's cut to the foot. That's what he's saying. Okay, so I'm wiping the drool that's coming out of my mouth. These are five star feet for sure. All right, you see anything wrong with them or...

Yeah, there's something wrong with them. They don't have my mouth on them. What's the treatment for that, doctor? Let me get my prescription pad out here and my pen, and I'm writing, stick the foot in your doctor's mouth. When should he do that? Mmm.

Let's see, for the listeners at home, it's happening. What about the listeners right here? This was your choice. I knew it was coming. I knew. You gotta give it. Don't use those forced perspective tricks. That's the most an audience has ever clapped for something they really don't want.

Five cell phones went immediately up. You freaks. See me after the show. Dr. Footman, you talk a big game, but then when it came down to action, you chickened out. It's true. It must have been the odor coming from the foot. No, but it's right. I'm a huge coward at the end of the day. Have you ever even put a foot in your mouth? Uh...

No. You know what? I think today is the day. I think today he's got to put one toe. You got to give one little lick or something. These people are just supposed to be satisfied after that? These people paid a lot of money to watch you suck on my toes. Again, you would never recover.

I just, I want to address the crowd, but also the panel of guests, including one panel guest in particular. Let's just be clear that I have to go home and kiss my wife with this mouth. Yeah, don't worry, I thought about that first. I think your wife would take a little break. You guys would switch to hugging for a little bit. Sounds like she probably has this all worked out in her mind, so. Yeah, my wife's definitely thinking about it right now.

Um, Scott, before I proceed with this, let me ask you, has your foot ever been in someone's mouth? I don't believe so. I think this would be a first. So it's clean. Yeah, that's how a foot gets dirty. There's been a vibe shift. It's clear now that Scott wants this more than me and I'm turned off. Of course, it's the chase.

Oh, man, if this happened, I would literally die. Yeah. O.J., you love the chase, right? The thrill of the chase. Absolutely. O.J., maybe you should fuck a toe. Not in a million years. I would confess before I did that. All right, well, Dr. Harry Footman here. Cheers. And, you know...

It's such a pleasure to have you all here, and I think that we promised we were going to end the show with this. Tony Sony. Oh, shit. I think it's time for you to do your stand-up. Oh, my God, I gotta get my job. Oh, shit. My Google Doc. My Google Doc. Okay, okay, let's see what I got here. Your Google Doc is open? My Google Doc. I got my Google Doc. My guma says she wants me to buy her more flowers.

I said, sure, I'll get you more flowers. You want regular gluten-free, my guma. Wow, this is a crowd. Oh, my God. My guma can't cook. The other day, she made me a breakfast so bad, the toast was an English muffin, my guma. Wow, this is really slaying, aren't they? Wow. My doctor tells

I need to go on a diet. Says I need to stop eating so many fried chicken bologna sandwiches. Doc, please don't make me do this. How about I give up eating my guma's pussy instead, my guma? - My kind of stuff. - You guys, you love that. Listen, I had to, wow. My sex life is so bad. It's so bad that my guma says she'll have sex with me when pigs fly.

Well, good news. I was on an airplane with a cop the other day. Well, yeah, that got him going. That got him going. Let's see here. My guma's so stupid. She's so stupid, she thought Portugal was in Europe, my guma. My guma says, Timothy Chalamet is cute. I said, Timothy Chalamet? More like Piggity Shallowbutt. My guma...

Can you say that? Can I get less than my monitor, please? Can you say that one again? Yeah, can I get less than my monitor, please? Am I too close? Uh, yeah. Uh, piggity shallow butt. Oh. No, please. One more time, please. You want the whole thing again? No, no, just the end. Just piggity shallow butt. Thank you. Okay.

My doctor told me I need to eat less red meat. Says if I'm one burger away from dying of a heart attack, my guma. My guma says I'm too fake. Says, honey, the last, I said to her, honey, the last time I saw my dick was in 2001 and look what happened, 9-11, my guma. Thank you, wow, thank you so much. Thank you.

Unbelievable! That was great. Tony Sony, everyone! Why are you making that face? The only one I didn't like, Scott, was the one about the police. Because as Scott and I always say, blue lives matter. If it weren't for one specific policeman, I wouldn't be here talking to you right now. And his name is Mark Furman.

I've never heard of this guy. What did he do? He was a cop who saved my life, honestly, by doing something very unethical. When all of, for lack of a better term, what's the word? Evidence was already there. He had to tamper with it because of racism. Did he? Did he tamper with it? He did. Go back and watch. All right.

I'll be watching from heaven. Oh, my God. Oh, no. OJ went up to heaven? Absolutely. Take care. That's our show. Billy Sullivan. Claudio Giordi. Andy Daly. Carl Tartt. Come on, baby, come on.

And Mr. Pauly. Thank you very much, Los Angeles. We love you so much. Have a good night.

Today's top story, the flavor merger of the century between the peanut butter group and Chocolaty Corp. Joining me is a PBC executive. Thanks for having me, Barry. Now, how did you know the merger and the byproduct of it, Jif peanut butter and chocolate flavored spread, would be a success? You know, it was a gut feeling, a rumbling, if you will. Besides, they're two titans of taste. Very true. Goes great with pretzels. And pancakes. Apples too, I bet. Try Jif PBC today.

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