Jon Cryer, Paul F. Tompkins, Lamar Woods
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Don't knock until you tried it, unless it is the bathroom door. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Hmm. All right. Well, thank you to Snark Hunt 2000 for that catchphrase submission. Snark Hunt 2000. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Of course, the world's first dingless podcast. No dings on this when I get a text alert. That is true. The first podcast ever. First podcast ever to receive no dings. And that is my promise to you for 2024. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Aukerman. We have an incredible show today. Coming up a little later, we have a...

An entrepreneur. Entrepreneurs are back. We decided to let them back in for 2024, and the floodgates have opened, and they are back. We also have a tourist. We have a tourist. This is a very exciting show. Already crashing and burning. This is not my dings, okay? This is not the dings that I am receiving. This is one of our guests, one of the guests coming up on the show trying to...

Trying to detour me into a dingful podcast. That is not happening. There are no dings on this show that are emanating from me. We need to get to our first guest, and this is exciting. This is his first time ever on the show, and this is someone that I've been a huge fan of for decades at this point. He started out, his breakthrough performance was as ducky and pretty and pink. Then he starred in movies such as Hiding Out.

And then he segued into television where he... I took a sabbatical. A sabbatical for movies. Is that sabbatical still continuing? Yes, interestingly. I felt as a professor of the arts of...

drama, I would go on sabbatical and learn the ways of television. That's the whole thing about sabbaticals is they shouldn't end. They should not. No. I think America hopes that I stay on sabbatical. But he became an incredible, enormous television star, starring on the television show Two and a Half Men for, I want to say, 12 seasons. Is that...

You'd be right with 12 seasons. That was just a guess you pulled out of your ass. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I mean, I just think I was thinking back. I was like, one, two, three, four, five, six. You went through all of them in your mind. Like, wait, there was 263 episodes. First episode was the pilot. Second episode was Big Flappy Bastards. So that was the one with Charlie. Episode two was called Big Flappy Bastards. It was about seagulls.

And as everybody knows, are known generally to those who are intimate with them as big, flappy bastards. He won two Emmys for a show that the second episode of which was entitled Big Flappy Bastards. I don't know what was going on with the Television Academy, but they were going in a different direction.

And then he starred in such things as he played Lex Luthor in Supergirl. Yes. An incredible career. He now has a new show called Extended Family, the season finale of which is this Tuesday on NBC. Is that correct? Yes. NBC and then Peacock the next day. Peacock the very next day. Exactly. It just leaps upon...

Watch it twice. Exactly. Yes. If you need to experience it twice. Please welcome, for the first time on the show, John Cryer. Woo! Woo!

Giving himself his own... There's a very small studio audience, and I am it. John, I'm going to tilt that microphone to aim a little more at your face. I was kind of doing the off-mic thing so that I said, like... You're also not a movie actor anymore, so you don't realize you have to have mics. Still on sabbatical.

What was the last movie you did? The last movie I did was actually a really good one called Big Time Adolescence with Pete Davidson. He's fantastic. Sydney Sweeney's in it. She's wonderful. Machine Gun Kelly's in it. It's on Hulu. You can check it out. You were in Ass Backwards, too. And I was in Ass Backwards. Yeah, you were great in that. With June Diane Raphael. Yes, I had so much fun on that. Yes, I was the very...

very insistent stage manager. Yes, you're a great man. Thank you. And of course, you know, perhaps most importantly, you played yourself in a sketch I wrote for Mr. Show, the Monk Academy sketch. Yes, which is to this day my favorite work with a monkey. Yes. Was there

monkey into an F man it wouldn't surprise me no no never been a monkey they didn't replace Charlie Sheen with a monkey at one point they never that was Ashton Kutcher oh right okay sorry there's a small small difference small difference

Well, you were very nice. You showed up to the set. I don't think you knew what your costume was going to be because I think you went into your trailer and saw your ducky costume from Pretty in Pink and was like, oh, oh, is that what we're going with? I don't know. Yes, I'd read the script, but I don't recall it saying he is dressed entirely as ducky. It said John Cryer drives up in a convertible with a monkey. Get the fuck in here. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

um maybe they made me change it from ducky to john crier just i have no idea but yes i don't know but you arrived at your trailer and you went oh okay and you were so you were very nice and you you agreed to do it no it was a brilliant sketch it was a i loved that sketch absolutely loved it uh uh the the thing that killed me about the sketch was uh when uh david cross is sabotaging the uh

The other side. The other sides. And at one point he... Because it was what we called back in the day a fat camp, which is a rude way of referring to it. It is a very rude way. And I may have referred to the actors collectively when I was giving some direction as that. Yes. And I got a talking to. Yes. But...

But he but when David Cross leads them astray in the midst of the big contest by leading, leaving a trail of candy bars. All right. Of course, that's a totally 80s joke. But then he slits their throats, which I was like, oh, OK, that's where we're going with this.

But I loved that sketch. I also enjoyed the, it was just a math joke, but there's two really big competitions where the kids win one and the monks win one. And so they're tied at one apiece. And then the next, the finale is worth 100 points. Yes. So whoever wins this one...

And the wrap-off was Kurtz. Oh, the wrap-off, yes. Open Kurtz. Rap, rap, rap, rap, rap. Yes. Great stuff. Great stuff. It was a lot of fun. You took a wonderful picture with me in the costume, which I have treasured for these many years.

And yeah, I mean, Pretty in Pink, a huge movie in my high school life. I was right there in the target. Oh, really? In the target age. Yeah, I was 16, I believe, when it came out. Oh, so yeah, you were like prom was knocking on the door. Oh, yeah. Oh, gosh. Knocking on the door and I was not answering. I didn't go to prom in my... First of all, we called it the prom on the East Coast. But it was because I went to the Bronx High School of Science. Nerds.

But you were all nerds. Yes, exactly. So no one went to prom? They did. They had a very small prom. But because it was also the 70s and early 80s, it was not cool to go to the prom. Oh.

Oh, in in in New York City, because we were you know, we were punk rockers who, you know, we hate the establishment, man. Were you really? Were you like was that was that your sort of aesthetic in high school was like, yes, yes. I was more sort of new wavy, uh,

Post-punk? Post-punk. You know, the Buggles. Trevor Horn? Yes, exactly. So that was my group. And the theater nerds, which was also a tiny minority. So it was a science school that actually had theater? Yeah, not really, though. Would you have to do science-themed plays all the time? No, we did West Side Story. And I found out that I was apparently the one who was...

supposed to build the set i had no i did not realize that until the day before no no i had a couple of weeks so i built this just incredibly ramshackle set that was apparently the grandest set that bronx science had ever had um they left it up and just did productions that they could use that set until it fell apart and actually fell down out of the rafters in the midst of a show

In the midst of the good doctor, which I don't know if that if that has it was it was West Side Story. So I made this sort of cityscape that you could, you know, take up into the. So I didn't realize the good doctor. The show was based on a play. How interesting. I believe it was probably something that that was a dissimilar idea that was.

Probably not. That's so funny. They have a high school kid build this set. They don't check anything. No, no. And then it falls down. Exactly. And they're surprised. Yes. Liability issues apparently not top of mind. I have to say, did you see that Willy Wonka thing in England? Yes. Oh, I loved that. It gave me such agita because it

It reminded me of all the dreams that you have of like showing up to a play that you don't know the lines for, but in real life, you know? Yes. The actors, I just felt for the actors in that because they gave it their all. Yes. No matter how low rent and awful it was. And the children are screaming and crying and the actors are just, you know, digging in and finding that reserve. And this is going to be the thing that gets them through the day.

And but God bless him. So were you a stage actor then or did did you join the theater department hoping to be a stage actor? They were like, hey, you build the set. And then you're like, no, I was already a stage actor. I was like the the the experienced one. I started I went to theater camp when I was 12. Oh, that's a good experience. So, yes. Or no, actually.

No, I did my first West Side Story in junior high school at 12. Then, yeah, I went to theater camp at 14. And you're the actor, by the way. I read this, the Guinness Book of World Records. You've done the most productions of West Side Story. Of West Side Story. Thank you. Yes. But I don't. But.

And you've hummed it the most times. Yes, I had one line in my first production. It was, but the gym's neutral territory. Okay, so which character is that I'm trying to... That is a character called, ironically, Big Deal. Big Deal. And he says that at one point because they're saying, hey, we should have the rumble at the gym. And I say, but the gym's neutral territory. Yeah.

See, that's an important thing in the show. Does anyone contradict that? Nobody contradicts that. And the rumble ends up happening under a highway. And I know that because I had to build the fucking highway. But yeah, by the way, I didn't know if I could say fucking on the show. So that's why I don't worry. I'm generally very... You get three, so you get one more. Okay, great. Great. Otherwise, it turns into an X-rated podcast. Great. And we don't want that. Right.

Well, comedy gangbang, you know, which pretty much any gangbang I'm a part of. Right. How many have you been a part of?

Well, there's something in your biography about that. Wait, let's check it. Let's look down the list. IMDb. Is there a porn IMDb? I don't know. Although I feel like they started listing them on IMDb now, which is like, oh, could you come up with a separate website for that, please? Yeah.

Is that possible? Is there a lot of crossover? So the stuff that I don't, that I'm a part of doesn't have, anyway. Anyway. But, um, so you, uh, and then you rock, how old were you when you started being in movies? Was this, were you out of high school at this point or? Uh,

Yes, I got my first gig in three weeks before I left high school, which was a Broadway show, which was very fancy. Was that the Matthew Broderick? Yes, Brighton Beach Film Awards. And you have not lived until you've told...

off your super annoying social studies teacher that you're leaving school to go be in a Broadway show. Oh, that's the dream. It is the dream. Oh, Miss Sagos. God bless you, Miss Sagos. You tried. Is Miss Sagos still with us? I hope so. Oh, man, that sentence could have gone either way. But at any rate, but yes. But then when I was doing...

Brighton, then I got fired from Brighton Beach. Why? Because I, there was, there's a lot of, in this, in that particular play, Neil Simon has written a lot of things about,

of lines uh yeah there's a lot of plays have too many of them a lot of them exactly and there were so many that i couldn't remember them all so wait did you like actually perform it and you're like i uh wait a minute the audience ago i gotta guess i don't know the rest of this just go home and work with me here people um uh

Well, no, I was his understudy. I was Matthew Broderick's understudy. Matthew Broderick won the Tony while I was his understudy. No pressure. Did he share it with you? Did he cut off the head and give it to you? You've got my back on this. No, he did not. But but the I when you're an understudy, by the way, you only rehearse two times a week.

Oh, you actually rehearse two times once it opens? Yeah. Oh, you do? Yeah. So you don't get a lot of rehearsals. So by the time that he won the Tony, I had only had eight rehearsals. And so I was petrified. Right. And you're a young kid. You're 18 or so. I'm 18. And the part is huge. I mean, it's like Hamlet. He's like talking to the audience all the time. It's told from his point of view. He's talking to the audience all the time. Yeah. And then he has to talk to other characters in between. Oh, my God.

I mean, it's crazy what they ask of you. Uh, so at any rate, uh, did anyone ask you like before I give you the job? Like, Hey, do you think you can memorize all this? You know, there's a lot of, a lot of words in this. You may want to honestly check it out. Like they audition. Usually people, they do one scene or two scenes. Like they should do the whole play. They should do the whole thing, but it would take hours. It's a two and a half hours. Still. That's, I mean, you don't have two and a half hours to get a, you're right. You're right. To get a job that pays well. At any rate, uh,

so, so I did, I finally did a rehearsal about six weeks in with, with the director. By the way, you don't meet the director. You're working with the stage manager. Oh, the stage manager. Okay. So, so I finally do a rehearsal for the director and I asked for the line a couple of times. Oh,

Like, as one does. Sure. During rehearsal. When one is the understudy. Exactly. But that's not professional on Broadway. But that is not professional on Broadway. And the next day, I got fired. Wow. And, you know, and honestly, it's great. Because I do, I learn the lines now. I learned on the first day, I should really, on the first gig, that I should learn lines.

learn the line. It was always very interesting to me doing the Comedy Bang Bang television show because we had actors of all different types. You know, we had some people who had never acted before. We had musicians who had never acted before. We had comedians who this was their first job. And then we would have professional actors who were like on TV shows. And the difference of the

the professional ones who like were on TV shows, they would come in knowing even if it was pages and pages of dialogue, they had stayed up the night before memorizing. It was just so vast. We're terrified. That's why that happens. We are terrified. Did you get rehired then on a different? Well, that's the crazy thing, though. They hired me back because I, because they were like, no one can learn these lines.

After they fired me, I went and did Torch Song Trilogy. Oh, yeah. With Harvey Fierstein? With Harvey Fierstein. Yes, I took it out to Los Angeles and Harvey did the show. Oh, wow. And...

And then I got a gig in a movie called No Small Affair. And once No Small Affair came out, literally, this is how this happened, by the way. My mom was sitting next to the director, Gene Sachs, at a play. They actually had known each other. And Gene said, oh, hey, how's your son? And my mom, who was furious still that I got fired at this, was like, oh, no, he's doing great. He just starred in a movie. How do you like that?

Gene's ex. And Gene said, oh, we always knew he'd be a star. And then the next day they called and hired me back at Brighton Beach Memoirs. How many times did you end up doing it?

I did it for about nine months on Broadway. You did it for over. So after Matthew Broderick left, you actually did it for nine months. I did it for nine months. And then they, they were doing Biloxi blues, uh, Biloxi blues opened as I was doing Brighton beach, which was the sequel to Brighton beach memoir. Yes. I saw it with Ted Lange as, uh, from the love boat as the drill instructor.

That's who you want. They gave him the final bow, and I was like, you know, give the Matthew Broderick part the final bow. You know, hey, Love Boat, you know, is canon as far as I'm concerned. He would always, by the way, turn around to the audience, like shaking up a shaker as well for every line. Wasn't that what he would do in the Love Boat title sequence? Oh, no, he would point. That's right, he would point. Oh, no, yes, you're right. It was pointing.

It's been probably a month since I saw The Love Boat. But that's incredible to do that for nine months on Broadway. On Broadway. But then when Biloxi Blues opened, they needed somebody to understudy Matthew. Matthew again. So they asked me to, while I was doing Brighton Beach, understudy Matthew. So you had to learn the lines for another show? I said no. No.

I said, it's probably, guys, I'm barely on top of these lines. I don't think you want me to have to learn a whole other show. How many times did you forget the lines when you were doing it for real? For real? I had a couple of drops, but you do every now and then. The scariest thing is when you're, when you miss an entrance. Oh, that's the worst. Because you're sitting backstage and they have the speaker back there. And the speaker is usually crackling with...

And then every now and then there's a little bit of silence because sometimes actors pause. I don't know if you've ever heard of that. Sure. But then sometimes that silence goes on a little too long. People are going, oh, and you realize that you're the reason why.

That that silence has gone a little too long. I always felt like, too, if you ever jump over lines and you just skip to, like, you know, another page or something, those are usually the least important parts of the show. The ones that should be cut. It's kind of a note to the author in a way. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, you're right. You're right. That's something that Neil Simon should have taken into consideration. Yeah.

So you never did the third one then, right? No, I didn't. What was the third one about? He becomes a banker on Wall Street? What happened? That was, it was Brian Beach Panamore's Bloxy Blues and then Broadway Bound. Broadway Bound, right. Where he was about to become a playwright or he is a playwright. I did not, I did not even see the third.

one okay um uh you know because i was so busy being a star all right that's of course then you segued into uh stardom stardom uh is what i segued which uh uh pretty and pink and hiding out and then superman 4 the quest for peace which brought all of it to a screeching halt i

I killed the Superman franchise. Well, I wouldn't say it was your performance. I was excited to see it because I was like, Hey, these are two of my interests, John Cryer and Superman combined. I might've thought you were playing Superman then. Oh, see, that would have been fun. Uh,

No, it was Christopher Reeve. They reassembled the cast from the first one, which was so exciting to me. And the original script was terrific, but they ran out of money. There's a whole, there's like movies about how wrong that movie went. And that had Annette O'Toole in it as well. Did it not? Not Annette O'Toole. Oh, sorry. The wonderful Annette O'Toole.

But no, that would be I would have remembered that. Wait, who am I? You're thinking of Mariel Hemingway. Oh, OK. Maybe Annette O'Toole. Or Margot Kidder. Or Gene Hackman. Are you thinking of Gene Hackman? Wait, Peter O'Toole was in Supergirl. Oh, hey, Jimmy. Hey, what's up, man?

How's it going, Jimmy? Good. Gotta go. Okay. Oh, thanks. Neto Tools in Superman 3. Okay, I'm thinking of that. Ah, there we go. She played Lana Lang in Superman 3. Yes. Yes. And then, of course, she's... No, we had the whole gang back together. We had Gene Hackman and Margot Kidder. Incredible. And Jackie Cooper. Jackie Cooper was back. Jackie Cooper was back. One of the little rascals. I was so excited. But he was like late little rascals. Mark McClure. Mark McClure. Jimmy Olsen. Gotta go. Okay. Bye, Jimmy. Thanks. Thanks.

Sorry, that's Jimmy. He's been lost here in my house, I think, for years at this point. But it's great. Not all who wander are lost. Hey, Jimmy, you're back. Go, go. Okay, bye, Jimmy. See ya. Yes, it's that he approaches and then leaves so fleetingly.

And they just ran out of money in the middle of it. Oh, yes. They ran out of money because they were making He-Man and the Masters of the Universe and they wanted to take all the money over there. This is the canon group. And did they use all the sets in the same way that they use your sets for West Side Story? They started falling down.

Yeah, yeah. No, they just ran out. They just cut weeks out of the schedule. They just said, nope, we're not doing that. There was a big battle between Superman and the nuclear man. Yeah, the nuclear man. That battle's gone. And the script actually originally made sense. Right, yeah. It was a really terrific script. And what year was that? Was that 87? 87, yeah. And I was 17 years old. I went with my mom. It was one of the few, like,

Like, we had seen all the Superman movies together. She even saw Supergirl with me in Arizona. And so we went together. I was 17 and not really hanging out with my mom at the time. But it was one of our, like, hey, let's go to this together. Let's go to this together while I don't go to the prom. And we left scratching our heads. Yeah.

I couldn't see it in New York because I was, I don't know. Oh, I was with my grandparents, actually, in Indiana. We were all apparently hanging out with relatives. And I took my grandma to see it. And about 10 minutes in, she just leaned over and said, oh, honey, this is just terrible. Because it's terrible.

And I'm sad about it because I loved the original movie. Yeah. And I love to be a part of that. And it seemed like it was going to be great when we first started. Well, you got your redemption, though, because you came back to star as your uncle, Lex Luthor in Supergirl and then other various shows. You did some of the crossovers, right? Yes. Flash and Armin.

All the other. That's a guy who runs really fast. Yes, that's a guy who runs really fast. And and that was that was actually really fun because I finally my comic book nerdiness from when I was a kid actually was paying off because I knew all the lore and I knew all the stuff. Did you really? Yeah.

Because that's what one did. In science slash theater school. At the Bronx High School of Science. You should write some. Sure, why not? Why not? There's a lot of shit I should do. Yeah. I mean, life's not over yet. No, you're right. I mean, you can't just sit around polishing your Emmys. Yeah.

It is time consuming. Polishing. That is true. There's a lot of crevices. Yeah. Do you think it's unfair that I have as many as you? You know, I was going to talk to somebody about that at the Academy. We really we just have to. Can we make the categories different? Can they be smaller? Depending on like how big the category is or how important the category is.

Congratulations. Oh, yes. And congratulations. Many hamburgers to you as well. But can we talk about Extended Family? Because this is your new foray into sitcoms. Yes, it's an exploration. That's right. Into sitcoms. You're dipping your toe back in the water. Very carefully, tremulously. Now, what's interesting about this show is it's based on real people. Yes. Well, yes, a lot of shows are, you know. This is a new genre I'm calling biopitcoms.

Okay. It's catchy. I like it. Yeah. It's based on like a real couple. Well, yeah, because there's a weird factoid is that Wick Grousbeck, who's the owner of the Boston Celtics, he and his wife share an apartment with her ex-husband because they didn't want the kids, once the previous couple was divorced, they didn't want the kids to have to move back and forth. And it's just a very, very specifically odd thing.

Arrangement. Divorce arrangement. And they are three very close friends now. They're they're hilarious together. And basically, you know, Mike O'Malley, who's who is an actor and a writer, is.

met him and said, oh, this is weird and funny. Let's do a show. And NBC said, yeah, that's weird and funny. Let's do a show. Peek behind the curtain about that process. Yes. That's how these things happen.

Michael Malley, of course, one of the fathers of A Student in Glee. Yes, yes. And has created many shows. And yeah, and it stars you and Donald Faison, right? And Abigail Spencer, who people will remember, of course, from the 100th episode of the Comedy Bang Bang TV show, where we ate a hot dog from either end, Lady and the Tramp style, and then kissed with hot dog in her mouth. How did I miss that? Yeah.

How did I miss that? One of the grossest things I've done as an actor. And she was very fun and game to do that. So it was very fun. All right. Well, what, what, what can, I'm sorry, a little more context on the eating the dog. It was a meet cute, uh,

She played my fiancé in that episode. It was our 100th episode. She played my fiancé, and then we flashed back to how we met. And I had been sold a hot... Or no, I'd been sold a bunch of hot dog buns without any hot dogs, and she had been sold a hot dog without a bun. And then we bumped into each other, and it came together and became a perfect hot dog, which we then Lady and the Tramp style ate. Style ate together. Until our mouths met in the middle, and then we tongue-kissed with the hot dog in our mouth. Oh my god.

Oh, I am. I am sincerely. I was sarcastically sorry that I missed that one, but I am now sincerely sorry that I missed that one. It was very funny. And and it's it's currently out on NBC, the season finale of which can be seen this Tuesday. Is there anything shocking happening happening in the season finale?

Yeah. Somebody dies. And then and then it's all next season will be about who who killed them. Oh, no, no, no. It's you. Yes. And it's me. That would be shocking.

No, it's, you know, it's a family. It's a show about a weird family. So nothing wildly shocking happens. Just funny stuff. And are we coming back for a second season? Do we know yet? I don't know yet. You don't even know. I don't even know yet. Can you call me when? I will let you know. Because I'd love to have a little addendum at the end of the episode. Just leave me a voicemail and we'll put it at the end of the episode. By the way, we're done. We had a great run.

Thanks. God damn it. Well, this is exciting. You're back on TV. Yes. For all the film directors out there, sabbatical could be over. Could be over. I could be enticed out of my sabbatical. You could do Superman 5. I could. I could. You know, I'll tell you, those doing superhero shows...

are, first of all, it's really hard. And when you get there, you realize that a lot of these actors are really, really good. Like Grant Gustin on Flash. Yeah, yeah, they're great. Melissa Benoist. I mean, it's hard to do that straight-faced and... And make it actually seem believable. And make it actually seem believable. And it's also just an incredible physically demanding job. Right. He's got to run around. You got to run around. No, you get hoisted on stuff. Maybe they put it in Fast Forward. Yeah.

Well, maybe less for him. But Melissa was like hanging from wires for significant hours of the day and doing all... And you've got to do these fights and you've got to do all this stuff that is really hard. And I... So I was...

You know, I found myself also having to do some of that stuff, you know, hang from wires. I had to hang from wires like second first day. They had to pick me up in a helicopter and then hang me from a wire later because apparently I put on my Lexo suit and fly away and Supergirl catches me. And then I like this sounds amazing. It was amazing. It was amazing. So a helicopter on your first day. What the fuck am I doing? I have two Emmys.

I'm a multimillionaire. What am I doing here? Why am I wasting my time on this? Hanging Fear Factor style from a helicopter. You know, but again, you know, you get older in life and you go, you know, are my days of hanging from helicopters over? That's true. Apparently not. Yeah.

Was it thrill? I mean, I am fascinated by this. Were you sort of like, okay. But then was it thrilling to you or were you like, you know what? I could never do that again. I'd be fine. No, it was great. It was genuinely fun. I actually didn't, just so you know, it was fake. I did not actually hang at any distance from the helicopter. When the helicopter's on the ground, they shot me with all kinds of stuff. Okay.

Okay, so you never hung from the helicopter. I never. No. So you're kind of a liar. I'm kind of. I came on your show to lie. Trying to act like a big man. Trying to act cool. Well, no, the crazy thing is when I did Superman 4 back in 1987, they did a lot more stuff practical. We had to do the very first shot that we shot on that show was

Toward the end, you probably don't remember, Superman, Lex Luthor and his nephew Lenny, me, try to escape the city after getting caught in an open-top roadster. Superman flies underneath it, picks it up, and flies away with it. Well, first day of shooting, they wired a roadster, open-top roadster with me and Gene Hackman in it, wired Christopher Reeve underneath it, and

pulled it up on a huge construction crane. Day one. Day one. Is this the first time you're meeting Gene Hackman and Christopher Reeve? This is the first time I'm meeting Gene Hackman. I had met Christopher Reeve. But Gene Hackman, he's a legendary actor. Legendary actor. He's probably very imposing. Very imposing. He plays Cranky on screen, which leads me to believe he's Cranky.

in real life. Famously cranky in real life. Super nice to me at any rate. Yeah, you know, he was lovely. We had a good time. I think he sort of saw the writing on the wall and was just like, this is a fucking train wreck. And just did not worry about it. Just was like, make sure they let me go in time for golf. I love the story that he didn't want to shave his head in Superman 1 so they made him wear a wig. Yes! Yes! And

It's so great. Yes. God bless him. God bless Gene Hackman. I love that movie, that first movie. Yeah. And the second one was great too. Sure. Have you ever seen the Donner cut? No. Come to think of it. Yeah. Oh, we should watch it together. We should watch it together. We should watch it for my movie podcast. I'm trying to monetize everything. Yes. Every action I ever take. Great. John, it's great to have you. You also have a podcast. We'll talk about that on the other end of the break. But Extended Family, the...

Season finale up on NBC Tuesday, tomorrow. 8.30 after Night Court. After Night Court, another great show. If Night Court is not enough for you, just keep plowing on through. I mean, I know that it's tempting after Night Court to just switch off the TV. I'm sated. For God's sake.

Take a moment. Think it through. Think it through. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have an entrepreneur. This is exciting. An entrepreneur. I'm excited about entrepreneurs. They're the engine of growth. They're the job makers. That's right. The rest of us are merely... Although you have a loan out company. You are your own boss. Oh, really? You're...

I'm assuming. Are we criticizing my level of capitalism? Is that what's happening here? Is that what this is? Is this a gotcha? This is a gotcha podcast. I forgot. It's a digless podcast and a gotcha podcast. We also have a tourist. We'll be right back with more John Cryer, more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this.

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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. John Cryer, Extended Family season finale comes up on Tuesday and the entirety of the entire season, 13 episodes, can be seen on Peacock.com

Starting on Wednesday, although I guess you could see the first 12 now. Yes. Yes. Feel free to binge. Sure. Feel free to just. 13 would take you, let's see, there are 22 minutes a piece. It's about an hour for three. We're talking about four and a half hours or so. That's nothing. That's nothing. Your kids don't need you during that time. If you watch Killers of the Flower Moon and not every episode of Extended Family, what are you doing with your life? Seriously.

Seriously. You also have a podcast. It's called Lawyers, Guns and Money. Yes. Tell me about this. It is a bananas true story. True story. True story about a young public defender in Chicago.

in 1986 in Miami. And, you know, it was, that was the time of Miami Vice. And it was about a year before Superman 4, the Quest for Peace came out. Yes, exactly. That's what, that's how everybody places that in their mind. You're probably filming it at the time you're being picked up in the roadster. Yes, like the opening of Scarface is a year before Superman 4 comes out. There's a crawl saying. But, yeah.

It was a wild time in Miami. Just horrifying amounts of drugs and just drenched in violence. What's a horrifying amount of drugs, by the way? Well, you've been around it. You did two and a half men for 12 seasons. Are we using the metric system? Are we using kilos? Are we...

There's no conversion chart for when you hit a horrifying amount. At any rate, he's so he's this young public defender in Miami. His first felony case is a guy who's been caught with a machine gun and a silencer, which nowadays is no big deal. But he's using the silencer on the machine. That was the theory at the time. So it's like.

So he confronts the guy. He says, OK, I'm defending you. Why did you have a machine gun in a silencer? And the guy says, well, I've actually been running guns for the CIA. And he says, sure you are. And he said, no, you don't believe me. Here's here's a phone number. And the guy called the phone number and it was the National Security Council. It was the White House. And.

And he had sort of accidentally uncovered what would become one of the biggest presidential scandals in U.S. history, which was Iran-Contra. Wow. That Ronald Reagan was actually fighting a secret war at that time that was illegal because Congress had...

specifically said, hey, man, no secret wars. Bro, could you just not secret war? Dude. So it ends up being this crazy adventure that involves the world powerboat champion and James Caan. James Caan? James Caan, swear to God. Film's thief? Yes, film's thief.

I film's rollerball guy as far as I'm concerned. But the crazy thing is it's a crazy story. But it's also funny. It's kind of like the in-laws because it's just they were so hapless back then. And also kind of terrifying because a lot of the people that were behind that are still pulling

pulling crap today. So what do you do in it? Are you narrating it? I'm narrating it. Yes. It's interviews with all the real people because a lot of this has come out and a lot of new information has come out and a lot of stuff that links up to conspiracy theories from way back when, like the October surprise and all kinds of crazy stuff is a part of it. And you researched this whole thing and you're just making it up, right? I'm just making it up. Thank you.

for allowing me to clarify on that. This is not, this never happened. This is a, Ronald Reagan was never president. Ronald Reagan wasn't president. Wow. No, it is, it is all true. Jack Bryan, the documentary filmmaker behind Active Measures, which is, if you ever get a chance,

terrific documentary. No, he was interviewing somebody for that, a guy named John Mattis. And John Mattis said, oh, by the way, I was the guy who exposed Iran-Contra. Wow. And led on to... He did an expansive interview that ended up becoming... What a fascinating story. How many episodes of this podcast are there? There are...

eight episodes. Wow. And it's currently airing or it's on. It's lawyers, guns and money. Get it on Apple podcast wherever you go after you say it yourself with comedy. Sure. Well, you got to watch Night Court first. Yes. Don't turn off. Don't just don't then watch extended family. Then you can turn and then do whatever you want. Or you can watch the voice. Reba's on now, I guess. No, Reba's awesome.

Tremors. How do you know? Dude, I met her. She's lovely. Okay. She's lovely. And she's one of those people that like, you know. I just, you led me to believe that you're on The Voice this season. No, I'm not. Again, I have lied terribly. I am not on The Voice. Reba McEntire is on The Voice. She is a national treasure. Yes. She played the mermaid in Barb and Star, Go to Vista Del Mar. Yes.

I mean, that alone puts her into the comedy pantheon. Exactly. Exactly. And Tremors. And Tremors, of course. Yeah, where she battled the Graboids. Come on. Yes. We need to, speaking of Graboids, we need to get to our next guest. We need to grab on to our next guest. He is an entrepreneur. Entrepreneur.

So we're having him back. He's not been on the show for a little while, probably because I put a ban on entrepreneurs. And now he's back. He is, of course, the owner and proprietor of the Smooth Criminal Business, which we'll get into a little bit. John, you probably have no idea who this is. No, but again, grateful to meet any kind of entrepreneur because they are the job makers and the rest of us who merely are...

Trickle-down economics, of course. Yes, exactly. They make them. Exactly. We're lucky. Don't be alarmed by his hairless state. He is 99.9% hairless. Please welcome back to the show Al A. Peterson. Hey, Scott. It's great to see you again. Hey, this is John Cracker. It's been quite a while, my friend. Hello, John. How are you? I'm great, Al. It's good to see you. Thank you. Now, we've never met. Is that correct? We have never met. Is this your card? No.

Oh my God. Wow. The ace of diamonds. He's that good. I just pulled it out. He pulled it out from behind my ear. Okay. Um, from fully six feet away. I had no idea you were actually a magician as well. I'm not, I've just been carrying this card around. I've been asking everyone I meet. Oh, Oh, this is your personal personal deck. Uh, yeah, I found this on the street. Oh, okay. Great. Um,

Al, welcome back to the show. It's so good to see you. It's good to be here, Scott. And just a minor addendum. The business is not called the Smooth Criminal Business. I am the smooth criminal because, of course...

I am completely hairless except for my anus hair. Yes, that's right. What is the business called again? The business doesn't have a name because it's an illegal operation. Oh, I see. So you can't actually name it. It's better not to. Right. Okay. But you, John, if you never heard L.A. Peterson on the show before, describe exactly what your business is. I help people fake their own deaths. If you're in a bind, you got to get out. If you're in a bind, you're...

You're way behind. You're looking to make a deal. Come to me and I will help you start a new life. That's right. And have you ever been in that situation where you're like, God, I wish I could just start all over. Fake my own death. No.

No, not that I can remember. I feel like we would know that. Oh, no, after Superman 4. Oh, yes. There's that. I should have engaged your services. The quest for peace. The quest for peace. Now, correct me if I'm wrong. I don't know if I've ever seen three and four of the Superman franchise, but in four...

He gets, Superman himself gets fed up with the human race and their nuclear proliferation. And he says, I'm going to throw all these nukes into the sun. Yes. Yes. Yes. It's not that he's fed up with the human race. He loves the human race. He loves the human race. He just wants to protect him. No, a little kid, a cute kid asks him. That's really all it took. He never thought about it before. Never thought about it before, as far as I know. As Clark Kent, he's writing headlines every day. He's a newspaper reporter. Yeah. Right.

Earth on the precipice of nuclear war is his byline. He just shrugs and keeps talking. I wonder if somebody can do something about this. And a child shall lead them. Yes. And of course, Three has Richard Pryor in it. That's right. And playing the person who figures out how to steal half cents from his business and becomes a millionaire, which they then stole for the movie Office Space.

Hold on a second. This is a big enough crime to attract Superman's attention? I don't... Accounting errors. It's a new area for him. The Fortress of Solitude has a section of accountants. It's a Kryptonian trade to hate embezzlers.

I believe that the main villain, who is, of course, Robert Vaughn, he's up to no good. And Richard Pryor is his employee. And then he finds out about Richard Pryor's malfeasance in the corporate sphere. Right. And then enlists him as a dupe in order to hide his own nefarious plans. This is going to sound like a harsh question, but are you fucking kidding me?

I may be getting it wrong. I don't know. I know that we tried to do a shot for shot remake of the ending of it in one of our Bang Bang episodes. Ah, that might explain your encyclopedic grasp of the plot points. Yes, I watched it again in order to... Fair enough. In order to replicate it. That memorable closing scene in Superman 3. Where Robert Vaughn becomes a computer. Yes! And walks around as a boxy robot. I have to repeat my earlier question.

But it does confirm something. I have never seen that movie. Also, there's a weird subplot where Superman gets split into evil Superman and good Superman and battles himself. It's a wild movie. Okay, I know what I'm doing today. Immediately after this recording. Do a watch-along. Maybe I will do a watch-along. Who wouldn't love to hear me watching Superman 3? And if you would for John, encapsulate the

The way that you help people fake their own deaths. Let's say you're in a situation where you have to disappear. I put an ad in the newspaper in the classified section and it's an innocuous ad, but you know what to look for. Then you come to me. You meet me at the appointed place. I will then forge passports, credit cards, and I will shave your entire body.

Excluding, of course, your anus hair, because that way you retain a little bit of your own identity. And dignity. And dignity. And then you start your new life. Yeah. And I also advise you, don't grow that hair back. And that helps with people not recognizing you? Or why is that? It does help with people not recognizing you, at least right away.

But now, okay, you're giving them new passports. Yes. A new ID. That's right. But I would imagine, and then you shave them. You also tell them to go somewhere else, I hope, because if they just stay there...

with new papers, does that accomplish what you're... I can offer that advice up to the client to take it or not. But one fine point is that I, of course, I shave them first, then give them the new passports. I was going to say, yeah, if you give them the new passports before you shave them, it's to match the passport. And this is in order to replicate your own experience of how you... This is how I got the idea, yes. You see, in a former life, I had a...

college sweetheart fiance named carlifer and i see john i see you wondering a small quizzical uh yeah look on my face carlifer of course is a uh it's a clumsy portmanteau of the names carl and jennifer her parents

Okay. And that, by the way, was a sticking point between you and her father. Is that correct? Not much of a sticking point. I mean, it was taken care of very, very quickly. And I'm forgetting exactly what happened. Let me remind you.

Carlifer and I had been dating for quite some time. We were college sweethearts. And then when we were about to take the plunge into becoming affianced, I was invited to Carlifer's house for dinner. And I met her parents. Her mother, Jennifer, of course, was a vermouth drunk and had drunk her, I think, fifth or sixth bottle of vermouth that day. She was in the kitchen making dinner and I was meeting Carl, her father, for the first time alone. You had met him with other people before? Yeah.

No, I was meeting him for the first time. And you were alone. And we were alone. Oh, okay. Yes. I thought that was running together. For the first time alone. Yeah. Well, you were wrong. Okay, great. It wasn't. Okay. So this is the first time alone or with any other people. But you know what, Scott? Carlyfer was there, so...

We weren't technically alone. So she was, wait, she was in the kitchen or no, no. Jennifer was in the kitchen. Jennifer was in the kitchen on her fifth bottle. On her fifth bottle of vermouth. And this is in. Learning the dinner. And which room are you in? The living room. The living room. Or the parlor as some people call it. Yes. Or the TV room. Yes. There's many names for it. Sure. But it's all the same thing. Right. Sometimes we would call the living room the formal living room. And then we have the family room, which was the TV room. Oh, I see. Very Downton Abbey of you. Yes.

The formal living. What would happen to the formal living? Not much. Heads of state, dignitaries, I would imagine. Were you not allowed to go in there as a child? The dog was not. I'll tell you that much. And sometimes my father would pretend that we were all leaving the house and would...

uh, uh, we would all get into the car and he would slam the car door and sneak back into the house in order to see if the dog then went into the living room and would surprise our dog and punish it. If, because it would always sneak in there once, uh,

that's entrapment it's when i recount it now it seems like the actions of an insane person yes was he aware the dog did not speak english and so the commands were largely lost on him to try to explain to a dog this is the barrier through yes because this is where we meet dignitaries and in any case what happened once you were in the uh so i'm meeting carl

And I had long held the idea in my mind and in my heart that Carlefer was a clumsy portmanteau. And I told myself, if I ever meet this man, I will tell him it's a clumsy portmanteau. And well, that's exactly what happened. I shook his hand. And mid-shake, this happens? As I'm shaking his hand, I'm also very subtly forcing him... Down into a kneeling position? Into a kneeling position. While saying...

Carlifer is a clumsy poor man too. And once he dropped to his knees, he thanked me. For that feedback. Yes. Wow. Wow, what a power move. And I remember hearing Carlifer in the back by the door, you know, because I marched right as soon as the door opened, I marched right up to him.

He got out of his chair. I gave him the get up motion. Would he not have gotten out of his chair had it not been for that? Who can say? But I wanted to be the one who got him out of the chair. And so he stood up blinking. I'm sure the light from the open door suddenly is kind of blinding him. Well, no, it was nighttime. Oh, okay. That's right. He was there for dinner. Sure. Okay. Maybe the porch light, though.

Who would have a blinding porch light? This is such a vivid, vividly told story. I've heard this story before, but I loved hearing new details about it. He was blinking in fear. Oh, I see. Yes, I was establishing myself as the alpha in the room. Right. Yes. And he was the sort of beta cuck in this relationship? Not a cuck, but beta, for sure. Sure, yeah. And so he stood up blinking and so confused. And I grasped his hand and...

And the whole thing began. Carlifer, still standing by the door, I remember her saying, I love you so much. And I didn't know, and I still don't know to this day, if she meant me or her father Carl. Right. Yeah. I mean, you breezed by her. I breezed by her. Yeah. Did you even peck her on the cheek, or was it just immediate, like, hey, you get up? I gave her a little swat on the rump. Yeah.

Swat on the rump with one hand, meanwhile beckoning, hey you, get out of your chair with another. And extending a hand after that as well. That is some complicated choreography. I didn't extend the hand until he stood up blinking. Oh, yes. Wow, but that's to have the presence of mind to do...

accomplish all of those things immediately upon entering an environment you'd never been in before. I had plotted it out meticulously and several times had to hide my whiteboard from Carla. So you'd done a recon mission in order to figure out the absolutely. Yes. Yeah. The layout of the room. Probably my first criminal activity was sneaking into their home.

You were not yet smooth at that point. No, I was not. I was very here suit. Yes, that's right. And then, so then after that, of course, after that chance encounter, well, you know, when Carla and I were getting, it's Carla and I were getting so serious and, uh, I think I just panicked and I thought, well, this won't last. She'll leave me, but I didn't want to be the one to be left. Wait. Yes. I didn't want to break up with her. Yeah. Well, I thought I'll force her to leave me. Right.

And so what I did was in a colossal, colossal act of underestimation of a woman that I loved deeply, I shaved my entire body to fake alopecia thinking that she would be, that would do it. She would be so petty, uh, so shallow as to break up with me. And of course it only made her love me even more. She said, we'll get through this. And she vowed to be with you through thick and or thin. Yes. Hair wise. Yes. And, uh,

I was so ashamed that I left without a word. Through the open window, right? Until that night, I went through the window. Unfortunately, I was wearing one of Carla's favorite hoodies, and she's been tracking me ever since to get that hoodie back. And possibly for closure regarding why you may have done this? I'm not worth the closure. I'm sure it's just for the hoodie. Right, okay. And so you've changed your name...

several times, although not as long as we've known each other. No, I've retained the nom du crime Al A. Peterson. Right. In your personal life, have you changed your name continuously in order to throw her off the scent? Just me by myself? Right. Just alone? Yes, because she's tracking you. She is tracking me, yes. Right. It's almost like the Incredible Hulk TV show. Sure, or The Fugitive. Yes, it's like one of those shows where she's, or The Little Tobo, she's one step behind me.

And as long as you keep moving, you're one step ahead. But every once in a while, you'll get to a town, I would imagine, where you're kind of like, hmm, this is actually a nice environment. Exactly. Nice people. I may put down roots here for a moment. But then a murder will occur. Well, yes, and that person will have to disappear. And I will help them do so. Right. Wow. Yeah, yeah. And so now you try to replicate that experience for people out there who want to change their own lives. Yes. And look, I'm not here to judge you. If there's any reason why you feel you need to disappear...

That's all I need to hear. And you need to know the reason, though? I'd like to. I mean, I'll always ask. I'll always say, you don't have to tell me, but why are you faking your own death? Well, it's interesting to talk to people, especially when you've been on the run for so many years. I'm a real people person. I love to talk to people. Absolutely. You love to come on this podcast and tell your own story, which I love. You would be surprised at the most common reason people fake their own death and start over again is because they're bored.

Really? Yes. They're just bored with their own life and they just want. They're bored with everything. Yeah. I can only imagine. I mean, you know, John, you and I are show business. We're peers. We have the same amount of Emmys. Yeah. We have exciting lives. But for the regular Joe Schmo out there, you know. Yeah. Who's really what is the point of living day to day? Yeah, exactly. You know, I guess it makes sense.

You know, I'm really, I'm realizing something right now. Okay. When you said Joe Schmo, that's always the name I give people when they start over. What? Uh-oh. Okay. So this is, yeah, this might be a bookkeeping problem. I ordered the passports in bulk. Oh, no. The big passports. I just put the picture in there. They're all Joe Schmo. They all have the same birth. So if there are Joe Schmos out there, they're like, the chances are 99.9% they're your former client. They're hairless.

And got it. Wow. Just traveling the wasteland. Does anyone... The wasteland? You mean non-Hollywood? Yes, exactly. The flyovers? The flyovers, yeah. So does anyone ever quibble with that? Do they say, could I be a different name that I picked myself? They all do. And I say, no, that's not the way it works. You're Joe Schmo from now on.

Well, it's wonderful to have you back on the show. It's wonderful to be back on the show, Scott. What's been going on recently then? Why are we continuing to talk about the past? I'm taking a little bit of a sabbatical. Oh, you are, really? Much like John here. Yeah. Oh, are you taking a sabbatical? I'm taking a sabbatical from film startup. Theatrically released films. Oh, I suppose I'm doing that too.

Yes. I've been on that since the day I was born. But yeah, sometimes the grind gets to me and I feel like I need to remember who I really am. And I haven't used my own real name in such a long time. That's right. Have we ever established what it is? I can't remember. No, we haven't. Oh. And we never will. Okay. Okay.

Don't make me do the get out of your chair motion. Oh, shit. By the way, you're miming patting someone on the rump right now. I'm getting very nervous. I wasn't aware I was doing that. The gesture is terrifying, I must say. It's terrifying. So you're taking a sabbatical from faking people's deaths. Yes, exactly. Really? Yeah. So what are you doing with your time then? I'm working in an Arby's.

In Arby's. Yes. So, sir, this is in Arby's. America's roast beef, yes, sir. Wow. Jamocha shakes. Let's just... I'm putting them out there. Yes, I do. Just putting it out there, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know what these are. Jamocha shakes are the coffee shakes from Arby's that are astonishing in both their taste and the astonishing amount of caffeine they provide. Really? I've never had one. Oh, yes. There's that Arby's over on Sunset, perhaps. Boom. The one that's...

Yeah. That's going to happen. Has the drive-thru window right next to someone's apartment. Which we tried to replicate in the Between Two Verns movie in a deleted scene. But interesting. So you're working at an Arby's in what capacity? I'm making sure that the Jamocha shakes don't kill anyone. Because after that Panera Bread fiasco, put the supercharged lemonade. They had to install sort of a checks and balances situation? Yes. They said, look, we need someone who knows the criminal mind. Someone who knows how a murderer thinks.

And so the way the Jamocha shakes are the murderer in this analogy. Exactly. I see. So you're out there judging the Jamocha shakes. I am red dragon style getting in the mind of this Jamocha shake. Oh, great book. Great movie.

Manhunter. That's right, yes. But also remade as Red Dragon. That's right. Original book's title. Yes, that's right. More books should be made over and over again. Why not? Why not? New Silence of the Lambs next year. I would love to see Batman's parents die once more. Yeah, I can't get enough of it. That's my favorite part. I always leave Batman after that. Absolutely. I hate when they bury it in the middle of the movie. Put it right up at the top.

So I can get the fuck out of here. All that memory should be in chronological order. Yes. Well, this is great. You're working in an Arby's now. Do you go across the country doing this or is this in one location? I am traveling the country by train, making sure that all of the Arby's locations do not kill people with the Jamocha shakes. Okay. Do you have train tickets for this or are you just jumping on trains like a hobo? I have a special pass.

A special pass? An Arby's pass? From Amtrak. Oh, wow. Yes. Incredible. If you're preventing murders, there is a special pass that you are given. You can just go, do they call it like the Poirot Pass or something like that in honor of the murder on the Orient Express? Poirot. Isn't that how you pronounce his name? That sounds like seafood. Poirot. Poirot. Poirot. Poirot. I love caviar and I love Hawaiian mush. Ha ha ha ha.

He had a crazy mustache, didn't he? He did indeed. You watched that recent one? It's like a ghost story. Oh, the Kenneth Branagh? Yeah. Oh, Murder in Venice or something. That's right. That's the only one I haven't seen yet. Oh, you got to catch up. Do you have time, though, working at Arby's these days? Oh, yeah. Nobody comes in.

They just go through the drive-thru. But they have the meats. I know they have the meats, but they also have a drive-thru window. And you don't do any meat-related activities at the bar? Never. No? Or in my life. Wait, you're a vegan? No meat-related activities. Okay. Meaning you're a vegan, you don't eat it. By default. By default. Yeah, I don't wear meat. Like you don't wear leather, in other words. Oh, no, I wear tons of leather. Oh, okay. Well, that's a meat-related activity. That's a stretch.

I mean, yeah, especially to get it in the shape of human bodies. Yeah. Because it's originally cow bodies. Do you feel that a pair of pants is in the shape of a human body? Sure. I think so. In the lower shape. The bottom part of a human body. Yeah. Yeah. That's the flat. Yeah. Oh, well. Flat Stanley style.

You see the ad for that Harold and the purple crayon? Starring adult man, Zachary Levi. It's confusing, isn't it? It's a little odd, but he does look so excited about his purple crayon. I feel like you and Zachary Levi could do the same parts.

Okay, you can feel that way all you want. You guys can switch off. We could. Do you think you could play Shazam? I could. You know, that's an acronym. They don't go into it in the movies. Oh, you're right. There isn't. There is like a whole back story of it's Stephen. Let's keep going. Well, it ends with mobile and it starts with surgical. That's right. Oh, there's mobile? Let's do it at the same time. Yeah.

Stephen Hawking Hawking as Zeus and Miss Piggy. Yes. The two dream roles he has. Stephen Hawking as Zeus and Miss Piggy. Stephen Hawking is Zeus and Miss Piggy in the same movie. And they battle each other. He was rich. He probably could have funded that, right? He was a rich guy, wasn't he? Sure.

Sure. He got all that big physics money. Yeah. Well, this is great for you. He never touched his physics money. No, you put that aside. You live on the interest of the physics money. He and Jay Leto would just put all that money in one shared account. And drive jalopies. They would race their jalopies. Oh, man.

Well, it's great for you. I'm so happy for you that you have this new exciting field going on. Do you think you're going to ever return to the faking people's deaths? I think that I will. I'm already starting to get bored with people not dying from the joke. Yeah. How many deaths have there been? Only two. Oh, OK. Yeah. OK. Two shakes escaped my notice. That's not bad. I mean, how many shakes have gone out the door?

200 billion. Yeah. So, I mean, that's, those are good odds. Yeah. Yeah. But was anyone mad at you for those two? They couldn't be. I remember my manager came up to me and said. The district manager? Al, somebody died from the two bogus shits. I know that you've, most of them you have checked and made sure they're not going to kill anybody. But just so you know, just be like a little more careful. Couple slipped through your, your grasp, I guess. Yeah. What happened with those two, do you think?

What do you mean? Why didn't you check those, in other words? I think I was looking at my phone. They allow you to look at your phone during this job? Nobody comes in. Okay. Nobody comes in, but the times that someone does come in and order a jaboka shake, you think that you would be like, oh, wow, someone's here. I never said they came in. Oh, what happened?

They ordered through the drive-thru. Oh, so the drive-thru is out of your bailiwick? That's exactly right. Okay. Yeah, that's somebody else. Oh, wait, someone else does the drive-thru once? Mal A. Peterson. Mal A. Peterson? No relation. No relation to you? How crazy. What are the odds? That's crazy. No, he's from Australia. He is? Okay. I got to talk to him at some point. I don't think so. Okay. We can't get him today? We cannot get him today. Okay, all right. Well, look, we need to take a break.

It's a pleasure to have you back, Al. Can you stick around? Of course I can. And John, you can stick around. We have a tourist coming up. Oh, I'm excited about tourists. This is exciting, yeah. This is a packed show. When we come back, we're going to have a tourist on the show. We're going to come right back with more Al A. Peterson, more John Cryer, more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. John Cryer is here. The season finale of Extended Family this Tuesday. All episodes on Peacock on Wednesday and Lawyers, Guns and Money, the podcast anywhere where you get your podcasts. Very exciting. What else is coming down the pike for you? Anything? That's not enough.

for you? Jesus Christ. Honestly, it's not. I need more John Cryer in my life. You need more John Cryer. No, I don't. No, other than the TV show that I was making weekly that I've pumped out several hours of four and a half hours of entertainment for you, Scott. Thank you. What did you do during the strike, by the way? I did the podcast during the strike. Did you really? Yes. John, John. If you must know. John, give him the get up out of the chair. Yes. Okay, you accidentally did this. I can't sell it the way that you can, Al. You accidentally patted my rump. And I...

See, you got to switch hands. I'm not. L.A. Peterson also here of Arby's fame. Need to get out. Coworker to Mal A. Peterson. Check out my ad. Coworker to Mal A. Peterson. Did you ever think that's how I would describe you? I never did. Yeah, but that's what you are now. Life surprises us. It truly does. And I hope it continues to because it's wonderful when everything just comes out of the blue and surprises you, isn't it? Yeah. John. John.

You know, it's a very sad thing that a lot of people that I help fake their deaths out of boredom, once they shave their heads and they see themselves in the mirror, they realize, oh, I just wanted something different. But it's too late. So the shaving the head part would have been different enough for them? They should have just done that on their own, but the dye has been cast and they're Joe Schmo now, baby. Yeah.

Well, we need to get to our next guest, and his name is not Joe Schmoe, so that leads me to believe he's not one of your former clients. That should be a permanent intro for you. Okay, great. Every episode we ever do. He's a tourist. Please welcome to the show, for the first time, Carmine back on tour. Hey, yo, yo, what's good? What's up, Scott? Good to see you, my man. Good to see you. How are you? Yo, ain't nothing changing, you know what I mean? Holding it down. BK to the fullest. I rock Dolos from state to state. What's up?

Word up. That was a lot of information. So BK, meaning Brooklyn, you're to the fullest? Yeah, yeah. You're from Brooklyn? BK to the fullest. Yeah. Full of all of me. I'm assuming he's not Burger King, which would be a competitor of Arby's. Yeah, no doubt. No doubt. But the fullness would make sense. That's true, yeah. I mean, they have the Whopper. They have the Whopper. Yeah, yeah. Double patties and all that. Yo, what's up, my man? I seen you at Arby's, yo. I was up there. I was the one dude up in there when I was visiting. You know what I mean? I hope you enjoyed your time at Arby's. No, no. I ain't like it, man. Ha ha ha.

What could I have done to make the experience different? I don't know what's going on up in there. I'm looking for some girls, for some ladies. But I ain't seen nothing, shorty. You know what I mean? That was the wrong place to be. No one goes in there. They told me there'd be some girls at the Arby's. Who told you that? Vin Rames told me, man. Oh, because he's the guy who... We have the meats. He got the meats. You wanted a meats cue. Oh, that's what you thought? You thought meats meant girls in the Arby's? Yeah, something like that. We got the meats? Yeah, yeah.

Just reading between the lines. Hey, man. Hey, look, man. I don't know if you remember me. I was here before. Oh, you were here before. Yeah. You don't remember me, though? Was it your name, Carmine, back on tour? Yeah. I was here, shorty, back in 2018, my man. Oh, okay. Yeah. It's great to have you back on the show. Somebody else, a couple of white girls. It was crazy. You know what I mean? Some meats. That was good. You from New York, too? I am from New York City, yes. Well, you're from BX. I am from...

The Upper West Side of Manhattan. Oh, I thought you were from BX. Is there a cool sort of urban nickname for the Upper West Side? That's where Gossip Girl was filmed. That's where Gossip Girl was filmed. Never tried to stop. The GG or something like that. XOXO. I don't know nothing about that, Shorty. I'm from the jungles, you know what I mean? The jungles is raw out there. You know, Far and Rockaway, Queens, Manhattan, Brooklyn. What's happening?

So you're from all those places? That's a lot of, yeah. I'm a tourist, baby. You know, I go around. I go around and see things. You know what I'm saying, Shorty? Oh, yeah. Okay. What did we talk about on the show before? You know, so basically, you know, I'm a virgin. You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah. My dick has never been touched. You know what I'm saying? I'm clean. I'm pure, purified gold. Not even by yourself? Nah, Shorty. You know what I mean? I never do.

That must be hard when you're in a public restroom. Yeah, I'm saying, you know, but, you know, I guess I know what you're saying. You know what I'm saying? I guess. Honestly, I'm a little confused. You know what I'm saying? I'm almost 40 years old, but I ain't never been touched. Oh, yeah, I'm like that dude, you know, the 40-year-old virgin. Right. But so since last we talked, if you don't remember. I don't remember. I'm so sorry. Okay.

It's all good, baby. So, you know, I go on tour or whatever, you know. I mean, I don't, but yeah. Since then, I got hired to work for TripAdvisor, you know what I'm saying? So I get to go travel and all that. Oh, great. So you review things for TripAdvisor? Yeah, you know, I go travel and then I tell people if the city's dope, you know. So when I met Scott for the first time, you know what I mean? I was just...

In L.A., you know, and they let me come in the studio, talk to the people, you know. Wait, so you were working for TripAdvisor then and you came in. No, no. Oh, I was just going. I was just trying to. You're just touring L.A. Yeah. Yeah. Now I make a living doing it. Congratulations. That's amazing. Is that city dope? Just out of curiosity. With L.A.? L.A., yeah. Yeah.

you know, it's tough out here, you know what I'm saying? Especially for a virgin, you know, they don't get a lot of love out here. It's tough out here for pimps and for virgins. It's tough. And you're just hanging around the armies looking for beats. Sometimes pimps be trying to pimp me out, you know what I mean? Trying to pimp out a virgin. They're like, hey, you want a virgin? I'm like, look, man, my sanctity is pure, you know what I'm saying? Why are you a virgin? Is this out of a desire to remain so until you're married or is it... Nah, nobody wants to have sex with me, man, you know what I'm saying? It's just a problem, you know? I don't know what's wrong with me. No one wants to get up, you know,

You're involuntarily celibate. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you considered shaving your entire body and changing your name to Joe Schmo? Oh, shit, shorty. You know what I mean? My man used to do that back in the day. You know what I'm saying? He shaved his body like that. My homie over in Foreign World, you know, Yonkers. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, one of the cities up there. You know what I'm saying? In the YK.

Wait, this is someone, this is one of your former clients or? No, just a man. Just a man that I knew. You know what I mean? He shaved his entire body. He has a man on the block. You know who it is. He's from New York. You know, just cats out there, you know, doing crazy stuff. He's from the Upper West Side. I don't know if any of you are. He got the chop cheese, the West Side, you know what I'm saying? The Big Met out there, right? You know what I mean? The stairs. Sitting on the stairs. You sitting on a staircase? You want to sit on a staircase with me? Are you kidding me?

Why are you calling us shorty? Yes, I'm going to need a clarification on the shorty. Everyone's short to me, you know what I mean? What is it called, the shake you had? Jamocha shake. Jamocha, yeah. Lethal in the wrong hands. Oh, God, that shake had me right, you know what I'm saying? Oh, God, yeah. You're welcome. You ordered one when you were at Arby's. Shorty's is next to Arby's.

Right. Yeah, I ordered one of them because I was feeling tired. I was trying to keep my stamina right just in case somebody wanted to get deflowered or I wanted to get deflowered. Yeah, but it's just never happened for you. No.

No, man. You know, I got close a couple times, you know, during the pandemic. You know, it was a couple people, but, you know, we got a little scared. During a pandemic, that's hard to get close to someone. Everyone was, you know, taking themselves out of the mix. Yeah, but not me. I was outside, you know what I'm saying? I was outside, shorty. I never stay inside. It can't keep me inside. I'm a tourist. I go around. I travel. Oh, you don't have a home? No, well, yeah.

Don't talk about that. I travel. That's what I do. You know what I'm saying? I'm a travel... I'm an advisor for trip. You know what I mean? Well, it must be hard also to be in a home. You're 7'1", which is higher than most ceilings. Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Yeah, you know what? It's a tough life. I'm surprised because I know the ladies like a tall man. You know what I mean? Sure. They like a tall guy. There's limits to it. But I put it on the apps. Dating apps don't work. I don't know if y'all got any ladies. You know, got any people that work for y'all or whatever? Yeah, I mean, I don't know any ladies myself. John, you probably know a few ladies. Yes, I know some ladies. And I have some ladies working for me. That being said, I don't think it would be appropriate. Oh, okay.

I brought Dolores from state to state. Word up. Yeah. Oh, man. No worries, man. No worries. God, peace. God, peace. I was going to ask you a question. So, my man, you said you did that podcast on the Contra? Yes. Yes. Did they talk about how that's connected to the crack epidemic? Yes, they did. Yeah. They flooded the whole block with crack. Exactly. Crack too. Well, just so you know, we didn't do it on purpose.

It just sort of happened. No, what happened was the arms, the planes that they were hiring to take arms down to the Contra just were empty down there. And they thought, well, we should bring something back. And so they brought crack cocaine. So, yeah.

you know, it's just, they were trying, exactly. No, they were trying to be environmentally conscious because the plane had to make the run back. Yeah. The carbon emissions. If those planes are too light, they'll float away. Yeah. It's just fly up into the sun, much like the nuclear weapons that Superman threw up there. Very similar. They used the crack cocaine for ballast, much like Belgian blocks in the ancient sailing ships. Yes. Yes.

That was the argument at the time. Because we all know what you're talking about. That's right, shorty. You know what I mean? Yeah, Superman. Shout out to Superman. Shout out to Superman. Yeah, that's a good point. Yeah, Superman. I think he was also a virgin. Word up. Oh, yeah. Now that you mention it. Never seen him fuck anybody. Well, there was Superman 2. Didn't they hint? Yeah, that they had sex. Although...

if he has invulnerable skin, I don't know how he has any. I believe they had sex after he renounced his superpowers. Oh, right. Okay. All right. That's what's up. Because otherwise he would have destroyed Lois Lane's body. But then he kisses her and gives her, it's like an amnesia kiss. Right. Because she forgets. As one does. She forgets the fact that he's Clark Kent once he kisses her or something like that.

Oh, yeah, shorty. I remember that. And he flew out the balcony after that. I can't remember exactly his mode of transportation for getting away from that situation. But I like Superman. Me and Superman went in the same. You know what I'm saying? In what way? We both got an S tattooed on our chest. Oh, you do? Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying?

I don't think it's tattooed on. I got to ask for a shorter, you know what I mean? Oh, okay. Absolutely. That's high up there, so I can't quite see it. You have a seat, by the way. You can sit down while you do this. Let me sit down here. All right, cool. Oh, you have a very short torso. Yeah, my torso is tiny, you know what I mean? Your legs are very long. Very long. Look, I'm all stretched out, my man. But I got to tell you what, you know what I'm saying? I got the booty hair, too. I got a lot of it. What does that mean? I got a lot of booty hair.

So, you know what I'm saying? And I want a woman to know that that's something they're going to have to see when we have sex for the first time. Is it just centered around the anus or is it the entire? Yeah, right in the anus. That's where you want it. When you get your clients, you know, do you have a lot of tickling back there? You think it's the hair or is it something else going on? A lot of people laugh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. It's just a little tingle, I guess. When I'm shaving around the area.

Because sometimes I'll have to trim the anus hair, but of course I won't shave it. Right, but you'll hear a lot of tees and... Oh-ho-ho. Sure, yeah. The various ways that... Yeah, my booty hole will be like... I rocked Olos from state to state. Word up. Yo, my man. Yo, you're from New York, man. What's good? Shorty, you know?

Well, there's a lot of good things in New York City. I feel like we're not from the same city. You have a lot in common. Exactly. I mean, I don't know whether you're a virgin. I've never speculated. No, I am not. I have a son. Congrats. I have a couple of sons, actually. God bless. So they're 23-year-old sons. So he's had sex two more times than you. So I had sex 24 years ago. Yeah, so what's it like? You know what I mean? What am I missing out on? You know how when you're on a roller coaster...

You've never been on a roller coaster? Okay, go on a roller coaster first. Yeah. Before I have sex. Yeah, see if you like that. You may be too tall to go on a roller coaster. Oh, no, that's right. Oh, my God. I didn't know that goes two ways. That you can be tall. Too tall. Yeah, but you're just being too shorty. Yeah. That's heartbreaking. That is heartbreaking. Tell me about your inconceptions. I don't think they're immaculate, but yeah. I mean, hopefully you did a good job, but I don't know that.

I felt I did a superior job. I felt like I really brought it. It resulted in the thing you want to come out of it. Yes. Childhood. That's the only purpose of making love. Exactly. That is the expression of God's love.

I don't remember. So it's like when you get on one, it's fun. Yeah, there you go. It's fun, except that your penis is inside their vagina. Wow. Yeah, other than that. It's like that. It's like that. It's like a roller coaster, except that your penis is in there. I'm going to have to try that. You know what I mean? Like, you know, I think I'm going to do it. You know, it's been a long time. Well, how old are you? I'm almost 40, yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. So, yeah, it's been too long.

You know, and last time I was here, I met a young lady. She was a male woman, and she was fine. You know what I mean? She was bad, you know, like straight, you know, just mocha skin. It looked like the shake from the Arby's. You know what I mean? And we went on. I think we even got married on that. Oh, I don't remember. Who was that? Oh, you remember this? Congratulations. You don't remember none of this. I mean, look. I'm sure it was a great episode. I couldn't wait to see you again, my G. I looked.

I don't, I apologize. I try to remember all my guests. I've been telling everybody on the plane. I was riding the plane. I said, yo, first thing I'm going to do is see my mascot. You know what I mean? I apologize. You know what I mean? But you got married to one of our guests? Yeah, yeah. You know, it didn't work out. You know, she was trying to rush me. You know, I wasn't ready to give up.

But now you're ready. I'm ready. It's been a long time. A long time. Word up. So for all the listeners out there, if you want to have sex with me, let me know. I'll be at the office with Ali. Ali, what's up? What you doing? What?

You listen to me, Doc? Al, he's talking to you. On his phone. I'm so sorry. I was looking up some information about our friend Carl. Would you be surprised to know?

That Carmine was originally a 48-year-old virgin. And he also was seeking a life partner below his own height of 4 feet 11 inches. Oh, wait a minute. So are you Benjamin Buttoning both your age and height? Yo, sure. I'm telling you, when you don't have sex, crazy...

things happen. So you're getting younger as well as taller. I'm getting younger and I'm getting taller. Last time I was there, I was four feet. You know what I mean? 38. 48. Yeah, now I'm 39. Now you're 39. Now I'm 39. Seven feet. Yeah. And I understand you married Scott's postal worker, E-Dream Vignette. That's right. That's right. Don't bring her up, though, because, you know, that's a painful...

memory you know what I mean she tried to try to touch me immediately word up you know as soon as we got back to that post office truck she was like pull your pants down I was like hold on shorty hold on you know what I'm saying I'm a virgin you know we gotta take this slow and it didn't work out you know what I mean I'm so sorry but see I think that she was trying I think see I think that maybe there's there's hope for you guys I'm sorry that it was trauma for you I don't know that you're ready now quite honestly I don't think you want to have sex like anyone can have sex

I mean, yo, you know, maybe I'm scared, Scott. You know what I mean? Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe it's been so long that I don't, you know, I'm afraid I don't know. It's too late. You know what I'm saying, Shorty? Fuck. Fuck this. I hate y'all. You're making the New York brother cry. You know what I'm saying? You know, we don't cry in a concrete jungle. Word up. You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying, John? What's happening? I'm right there. But I weep openly. How is this man supposed to rock doles from state to state? Yeah,

That's right. If he's crying. Yes. Yeah, well, yeah, I think that maybe that's something I need to consider. I should just do it. Maybe I'll go to a prostitution. Either do it or be fine with not doing it. The thing about not doing it is then you become special for not doing it. Once you do it, then you're not the special guy who didn't do it. You could have a perfect record. We could call our good friend Fred Guinness and be like, man, it takes the longest time to...

For not having sex. Oldest virgin. This is a way to say it. The oldest virgin. Yeah. Oldest virgin. I wonder how old the oldest virgin is right now. I don't know. I mean, there's only one way to find out, and that's to call Frank Guinness. Here, let me call him here.

Dial in the number. You don't have to say that while you dial, by the way. I appreciate it. Sorry. It's giving me a big ego boost. I appreciate it. No, I do that whenever anybody wants to dial in their phone. I understand. Sound like my booty hole, John. It's ringing. Ringing.

You're good for goodness. Hey, Fred! Scotty! Hey, Scott Aukerman of Comedy Big Mac. What's up, my man? Who are you hanging out with? Well, today I'm hanging out with John Cryer, you know, from... Whoa! Yeah, Two and a Half Men and... Superman IV, The Quest for Peace? Yeah, of course, yeah. And also, Carmine back on tour is here. Yo, what up, BK? Hey!

What's going on, Carmine? It's good, Shane. To the five boroughs. Yes. New York. Queens. Manhattan. Nope. Queens. Tronx. Staten Island. Delancey Street. Yancey Street. Yonkers. The Baxter Building. It's clobbering time. Chinatown. Baxter.

A little Tokyo. Sure. Figueroa. Yeah. Well, we have a question for you. L.A. Peterson is also here. Oh, hey there. This one's criminal, right? Yeah. That's correct, Fred.

And we have a question for you. Is there an entry? By the way, John, this is Fred Guinness, who runs the Guinness Book of World Records. Yes. He's out there. He's well known in Ireland, of course. Right. Is that right? And we had a question for you about do you have a section in the book of oldest virgin male? Oh, boy. Everyone wants to go to the dirty section.

You know, ain't nothing dirty about being a virgin. Word up. You know what I mean? Well, it's sex-related, I guess. That's what I meant. Although it's non-sex-related. It's actually one of the cleanest things that, uh, cleanest entries that could be in your book. Good point. Yeah. So, is it in there? Of course it is. Ha ha ha!

How old, can I ask? Because we have Carmine here, used to be 48, but now he's 39. Word up, word up. How old is the oldest male virgin? Yeah, I'm trying to hit the world record, word up. My male Rod Dolos from state to state. Yeah, that's important information. Can you also look that phrase up? Tell me what it means, Jordy. All right, let me flip through here.

two fat guys in the motorcycle. Oh, yeah. How are they doing, by the way? I'm sorry to say they've passed on. That's right. God bless. All praises to him. What happened with that dog? Oldest dog? Oh, Bobby. Yeah, you had to rescind it. That was a real black eye for the Guinness Book. We did have to rescind it. Yeah. He was not the world's oldest dog. That title is still held by Bluey, the Australian cattle dog. Very good. Who has also passed on. And Bobby turns out to just look like shit. Right. Um...

Young dog looks like shit. Young dog looks like shit. Okay. He does hold the record for youngest dog who looks like shit. Well, that's something at least. All right. Let's see. Lady with the curly fingernails. Almost there. Oh, I know that girl. I thought that was a guy with the crazy long fingernails. Like from India? He has passed on. Oh, gosh. Sorry. All praises to. And the lady with the curly fingernails has also passed on very recently. Oh, no. It's always terrible when we lose a member of the Guinness family. Yeah.

Yes, this is a rod man. Robert Wadlow, the world's tallest man for a long time. Wait, how tall? Because now Carmine back on tour is 7'1". Yeah, well, he was the world's tallest man for a long time, but this was a very long time ago. So he was 6'1". Oh, snap. That dude is a shorty. But he was in the book for so long. He was in the book for so long. He's part of the Guinness family. Yes, he's part of the Guinness family. Yeah.

You can see a life-size recreation of him outside Ripley's, believe it or not, our rival publication. Yeah, that's one of my trippy-fizer spots. I had to pull up on him. Oh, what'd you think? Yeah, what'd you think? The Ripley's Museum? It was garbage, yo. Word up. Yeah, that's not a real dinosaur. Yeah, I went to it once, and literally I was through it in five minutes. It's like you walk in, you walk right out. Yeah, it's crazy. Shit is crazy. All right, when do we get to this section of the book? Here we go.

All right. Oldest living virgin. Oh, it has to be living. Male. Yes. Oh, well, I gave you both. Oh, okay. Yeah, that'd be great. Deadest oldest virgin. Deadest oldest virgin. Deadest oldest. My head is like a shark's fin. I don't know what that is.

If I'm not much mistaken, that is the closing song from Deep Blue Sea by LL Cool J. Ladies love Cool J. Oldest, deadest. My head is like a shark fin. I think he's from Queens, Manhattan, Brooklyn. You'll get him.

You'll get them. We got it. BK. BK for the fullest. BX. QN. All right. S-A-S-I. S-A-S-I. Saucy.

All right, let's see here. Okay, oldest and deadest virgin. It's a tie. It's a tie. Amazing. The two fat guys on the motorcycles. Oh, shit. That stands to reason. They wouldn't get off their motorcycles. They were twins? No, they were dedicated. They were twins. What if they smashed together on the bike while they was on there? And their penises were inserted into each other's anuses?

They would have not been virgins anymore. Right, yeah. Oh, but wait, technically, does anal... Wait a minute. Whoa, hey, wait. As far as John Cryer's concerned, anal doesn't count. This is why I'm stopping the presses on this. Yo, yo, stop the press. Yo, what is that? Wait, whoa. Where'd the press at? So how old were they? Hold on a second, John. Are you one of these guys that thinks soaking is okay? Yeah.

Oh, snap. I was going to try that when I was dating a Mormon chick. We was going to do soaking because I figured, you know, maybe that should ease my way into it. Were you going to have a friend jump on the bed? Yeah, I had my man do it. You know what I'm saying? My homie, Gareth, he came through to jump on the bed. He was like 300 pounds. You know, he knocked me out of the town. This wasn't one of the fat guys on the motorcycles, was it? What's their name? Was he wearing a cowboy hat and aviator frames?

I told him not to wear that shit, too. That was the biggest issue. I'm like, if you're going to come do this, come dress right. Don't dress like a fucking cowboy. What am I supposed to do with that? How old were they, and how dead are they? They lived to be 120. Oh. Shit, that's a buck 20. Wear it up. Yeah, and how dead are they? 120%? They're 1,000% dead. Wow, okay. Hold on a second. Why am I giving this information?

Yeah, Al. What are you doing? Yeah, Al. What's going on? I'm taking my job.

Al, come on, Al. Yes, they... You're like a renaissance. They were not 120 years old. Al, come on. Don't fuck with me. They were in their 90s. Oh. But they are 1,000% dead. Yeah. I don't think you're ever going to get there, Carmine, because you're getting younger. Yeah, yeah. So I got to go all the way down to zero and then come back up. Yeah. Well, do you want to know your competition? Because I can give you the oldest living version. Oh, yeah. That would be great. Yeah, yeah. It's a guy named Roger Tankersley.

He lives in Greenwich, Connecticut, and he is 102 years old.

Oh, shit, man. Shorty. So he ain't never been touched. Never been touched. Never. And he's still alive. Proud of him. And he's still alive. But he might have sex, so then... It's true. Then you might then be in the... Clear the field for you. So here's what I... But you also have to live to 102. Sorry. Well, no, I think... I hope you're living right. I think 39 is probably the next. Oh, okay. That's also a problem. That's also a problem. 39 is probably the next because if 102 has sex, suddenly it goes down to 39. You're the oldest. Bam. And so what you have to do is you have to like honeypot this guy.

lure him into having sex somehow man what you're saying is sounding real sweet Scott yo let's make it happen yo my man we get some Arby's give us a little Arby's we'll make it all yeah is his address in the book of course it is can we send some if you flip to the back everybody's address all record holders addresses are in the book you gotta oh you in that it's my bad I thought I thought you was talking about Arby's you had the addresses at Arby's

Y'all have addresses there of people? Actually, we do have addresses at Arby's. You do? Of Arby's customers? Yeah, I got to put that in the Arby's contract. Anything you want. That's part of the contract. We don't advertise it. It's sort of an off-menu thing, but if you come into an Arby's, you ask for any address. It's like the off-menu and the super menu of Indiana? Exactly. I don't know how the government put crack in the hood. They was using that Arby's address. Wow. You know what I mean? Don't put me on your podcast, Doc.

Wait, that's what this is about? You just want to be on his podcast? I got some shit to talk about. You're on this podcast. Yo, yo, you don't even remember me, shorty. You know what I mean? That's a good point. Ain't no love. That's a good point. John Cryer would remember you if you were on his podcast. I can't wait to get back to New York. You know what I mean? That's where they truly love me. All the boroughs love me. You know what I'm saying? Queens, Manhattan, Brooklyn. Now, let me ask you, Carmine, are you going to, on your way back,

Back to New York. Will you rock dolos from state to state?

Man, I rocked Dolos from state to state. Work it out no matter where I go. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, baby, you know, it don't matter. You know what I'm saying? It's like wherever I'm at, I got Dolos. State to state. I think we know what you're saying. You were pretty clear that time. I don't know what Dolos are necessarily, and I don't think you knew either. I don't think you need to. We can extrapolate. It's definitely something. If I had to guess, I think they're pants. Yeah.

It's a good guess, honestly. It's an educating guess. Hey, Fred, thank you so much for answering these questions for us. You got any time, Scott. I love talking to you and I love being on the phone. I love, yeah, someday we got to meet in person, by the way, but, uh, are you hanging out with Jason Mandukas when he goes out there to Dublin? I think he mentioned he was going to see you. Absolutely. Yeah, he's going to see you in Byron. I can't wait. Yeah. You and Byron, what's going on with the queen or with Princess, what's her name? Kate Middleton. Kate Middleton, yeah. Do you have any idea? Uh,

I don't know how much I'm allowed to say. Is she in the book? Stop the press. She is. Well, you know about the dark records, of course. The dark records. Oh, you got the dark. Yo, let's hear some facts from the dark. Okay. Well, all right. Here it is. She holds the record for most disfigured royal. Oh, no. Oh, shit. And there's been some pretty disfigured.

Royals in the past. So that's saying something. You got Richard III had that hunchback. Yeah. Well, most of them were born that way, but she was disfigured in a... A wheat thresher or something? It was a Xerox accident. She was going to do that fun thing where you put your face on a photocopier. Yes. But it wasn't a photocopier. Oh, no. What did it turn out to be? It was a waffle maker.

Oh, shit. That's such a common mistake. And then she did the other side. Oh, damn. That's not a good look. God, man. That's terrible. She's just trying to even it out. Yeah. Yeah, well, we heard about it here. Gosh, amazing. All right, well, we're breaking news here. I appreciate that, Fred. Breaking news and rockin' dolos. Okay, Fred, we'll talk to you later. Get us out.

God. So good to talk to Fred Guinness. Al, thank you so much. Of course. It was weird when you started reciting those facts. I mean, I got so excited I had to jump in. Yeah, my man. I like my man. Because you were kind of quiet during. I was like, well, I didn't want to be rude, but I'm ashamed that I was so wrong. Smooth criminal right there. Smooth criminal. Yeah. Well, hey, guys, we're running out of time here, if that would surprise you. We only have time for one final feature, and that is, of course, a little something called plugs. Plugs. Peace.

Because it's time for plugs, it turns me on. Because it's time for plugs.

I'm certain you cleared that with Paul McCartney. Oh, yeah. No, I called up George Harrison, actually. Great. I wrote that, so I called Danny up and cleared that. That was beautiful. That was gorgeous. Because it's time for Plugs by Rosie and the Trucks. Thank you to Rosie and the Trucks. If you have a Plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and upload it to us. If it's an opening the Plug Bag theme or a closing the Plug Bag remix, and you can be famous for a week. And Rosie and the Trucks, you are famous. And guys, what are we plugging?

John, obviously, extended family season finale out this Tuesday. Yes, big fun. Our St. Patrick's Day episode was great fun. Really? What happened in the St. Patrick's Day episode? Although, don't spoil it, I guess. No, I don't want to spoil it. Did a leprechaun come in? No. No, my character is very proud of his Irish heritage and not happy that people celebrate it by barfing in the street.

So he decides to... He goes and stays in his room all the time. He ignites the spirit of St. Patrick's Day, the true spirit of St. Patrick's Day. Wow. Big fun. But yes, I've got that. And then my podcast, Lawyers, Guns and Money. This is a fascinating story. I got to check this out. And apparently Carmine back on tour is going to be a guest on this show. Is that what I'm hearing? We're going to talk about the crack. You know what I mean? They put the whole block was flooded, you know, around Wagon and all that. Ain't never going to forget it.

Never. Yeah. I'm sorry about that. Any plugs for you? You ain't got to apologize. You ain't do it, cuz. For me? Yeah, word up. Yo, check it out. You know I'm from New York. You know what I mean? Word up. That's been heavily established at this point. Yeah.

Although I'm not sure. I'm not. Yes. Which one can we go through them? BX though. BX is the birthplace of hip hop. So I want to plug this album I heard. And it was a beautiful album. It got me through a lot of my virginity. Because it's about sensitivity and all that. This artist, his name is Lamar Woods. And he got this album called Highly Sensitive Person. Word up. It's for all the sensitive brothers out there.

there. You can listen to it anywhere. Apple, Spotify, all that. All the platforms. This is a legitimate hip-hop album that this person, Lamar Woods, who is someone I know, by the way. I don't know if that surprises you. Oh, you know some rapping? He's a cool brother. You know the cool cats out here. He is an interesting guy. He's like an improviser, I believe, at the UCB. Yeah, he does a little comedy, but this full hip-hop. He's really rapping. I've heard him described as the second best UCB rapper. Yeah.

You know what I'm saying? I think he rocks Dolores as well. But I do think I was surprised. Check this out. I did hear some skits on the album. You know what I mean? So there were some comedians like Doughboys was on the album. Are they comedians? Yeah. To East Yohan. So...

But if you like comedy, if you like Lamar for his comedy, you can still have fun. And what's it called again? It's called... It's called Highly Sensitive Person. You know what I'm saying? Lamar Woods. Especially for a brother like me, a virgin. Highly sensitive person. It got me through a tough time. Yeah. And you could also check...

Yeah, that's it. That's all I got. Check out the album. Check out the album. It's incredible. Yeah, I got to hear that. It just came out, but somehow got you through some tough times. Yeah, Word Up just came out. But got you through a tough time yesterday, I guess? Yeah, I was having a tough time last night. I put it on. It went on Spotify, and it got me through the day. Wonderful. L.A. Peterson, what are we plugging? Well, you know, this comedian, Paul F. Tompkins,

who is the third best UCB rapper. I had no idea about that. Yeah. He's never, ever talked about this. It's a steep drop off from number two to number three. Okay, yeah. He's on tour with his show, Varietopia. Oh, yeah. And there's a bunch of dates. He's going to be in Portland, Oregon, Seattle, Washington, BK, BK.

Brooklyn, New York. Right, yeah. Okay, what up? Waldeboro, Maine. Portsmouth, New Hampshire. Boston. Alexandria, Virginia. Philadelphia. Cleveland. St. Paul, Minnesota. Chicago. San Francisco. Charleston, South Carolina. Go to paulftompkins.com slash live for all the ticket labels.

And this is a great show, Varietopia. It's Paul F. Tompkins doing comedy as well as musical acts and sketches and characters. It's a variety show. It's a variety show. Yeah. Yeah. The first couple of syllables of that should tip you off to that. It's a little hint. Yeah. Yeah. It's a clue for all you Poi Rose out there. Poi Rose.

I want to plug, hey, head over to cbbworld.com and we have some great shows out there. Neighborhood Listen is over there coming back very, very soon, maybe even next week, I think. And we also have Scott Hasn't Seen, my movie podcast where Sprague the Whisperer and I review movies that I haven't seen before.

And we should do hiding out because I never got to see hiding out. I was never allowed to. You deserve it. I deserve it. It's a gift. You should be on that episode. I sure have to. Why were you not allowed to see hiding out?

Was it rated R or was it PG? It might have been. No, it wasn't rated R. It must have been PG-13. Yeah, no, it was a back in high school movie. Yeah. It's got some iffy politics nowadays, but... Really? Oh, yes. So it was like, what, like a Trump movie? No. Yes. It was like Home Alone 2? No, it was a guy back in high school, but he does fall in love with a high school girl. He handles it very chastely, but it's still...

But he does fall in love with her. In retrospect. Yeah. That's cool, right? Yes, that's cool. Sure, yeah. I don't want to spoil the ending, but is it made okay by the fact that she is also hiding out? Yeah.

That should be the sequel where like revisionist takes care of all the politics where it's like, bam. Hey, I was hiding out too. Bam. It's cool that we fell in love. Just an off camera voice as the credits roll. We also have ad free episodes of this show and all the backlog episodes of the show as well as Threedom. Threedom is back on Thursdays. Myself, Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkus. It's our show where we just hang out.

And so much good stuff over there. If you subscribe for a month, that's cool. If you subscribe for the year, you can get two months free. And we also have action figures, the CBB book, so much stuff going on. So head on over to CBB world.com. And hopefully I'll have some news about a potential other tour after the variety topia tour coming up. All right, let's close up the old plug bag for 10 years.

We've been hearing terrible, terrible songs for the past 10 years. That can't be true. That is true. Every year, you sing a song for opening. But we're closing the plug back. I am literally showing you're mortified. Correct your behavior. Here you lie. Here we go. We're going to have a piece of chocolate.

You have messed up the song. All right. 58 seconds. You know when I say under a minute?

I really mean 30. You got to follow the spirit of the law, not the letter of the law in that case. But thank you so much. That was Dude, He Plugged Adele by Mr. Holland Oatspuss. Thank you so much to them. And John, I want to thank you so much. It's so great to see you again. And thank you for being on the show. You were a wonderful addition, a proud member of the one-timers club. Yes. Yes. The pleasure was entirely mine. It really was because I had some. You guys know.

You're taking all my pleasure? I want you to think about it. I want you to think about it. All right. Really think about it. Go back and think.

But wonderful to see you. Good luck with all this. And even though I don't really like plugging other podcasts on this one. I understand. Because I don't like the attention to swing over to them. For even a moment. I know. It does sound like a fascinating one. So I'll give a special dispensation to the listeners to go ahead and listen to that one. Thank you. And hey, Carmine, back on tour. Great to have you. Yeah, word up, word up. I'm going to remember you next time, I swear. I'll be back. Yeah, I'll be back. I've got another trip in about two weeks. Two weeks? I don't know that I can get you on that soon. Yeah.

How about another four years? What do you say? Four years from now, I'll come back. It'll be like Dr. Dre dropping out. Yeah, and L.A. Peterson. What's up? What's that noise? I don't know. Do you have a sense of ennui about your Arby's situation right now? I do. I think it's time to take a sabbatical from Arby's. You going to go back to your previous occupation? I think so. Yeah. I think I've gotten perspective on it now. You do? Okay, wonderful. Yeah, I mean, we miss you. You know, I'm

may consider. I miss you too. Honestly, I might need your services at some point. Really? Yeah, circumstances in my life have changed. I have, you know, a newcomer to my household and the pressure of that. Nicole Byer or Lauren Lackus? Newcomer, Scott Aukerman's house. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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