Jason Mantzoukas, Taran Killam, Paul Brittain, Ryan Gaul
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Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, bruschetta my groin and enjoy like a triscuit.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thanks to Cucka Diddle You for that catchphrase submission. Thanks so much to Cucka Diddle You and welcome to Comedy Bang Bang indeed for another edition, a special March edition. That's right, March is in like a lion because we have a great show for you. Coming up a little later on the show, we have the return of entrepreneurs. Oh, wow. I said I would never have entrepreneurs back on the show, but... It's an episode of Shark Tank. That's right.

Mr. Wonderful is back. Oh, after tragic events in his life.

Wouldn't that be weird if Mr. Wonderful had his arm chopped off like the Def Leppard drummer? Wouldn't it be weird if... Wait, I don't think Rick Allen's arm was chopped off. What was it, bit off by a shark? What happened? I mean, it was... Did a drum set attack him? I think it was demolished. Hey, stop hitting me! The drum set hit back? The drum set and the drum set plays with machetes.

My name is Scott Aukerman, by the way, and you know that melodious voice next to me. He is my co-host for this week's edition of In Like a Lamb, Comedy Bang Bang, In Like a Lion. That's right. We're out like a lamb. Out like a lamb. The episodes at the end of this month are going to be terrible. The lion in winter. That's right. The lion in winter. You know him best as nowadays forget anything he's ever done.

You know him. Forget it all. You know him now as Mr. Deedles or some shit on Percy Jackson and a bunch of Olympians or something. What is this? Percy Jackson and a bunch of Olympians and I play Mr. Deedles. Mr. Deedles who runs the Deedle camp. Oh, the whole entire Deedle camp? The whole Deedle camp. Is your bailiwick? Oh, yeah. Oh, that's my. Oh, yeah. That's my bailiwick. That's my George bailiwick.

That is a Mr. Wonderful Life. A Mr. Mr. Wonderful Life? What about Mr. Wonderful if he was in It's a Wonderful Life? And if he was in Mr. Mr. So it was Mr. Mr. Wonderful Life. So he's in Mr. Mr. He gets his arm chopped off. He's singing Kyrie Eleison. And then an angel comes down. Chops his arm off. Chops his other arm off. Chops his other arm off. So he's armless. So he's armless. Like Venus de Milo. And then Def Leppard is like, we need him on percussion. Yeah.

Venus de Milo, wonderful piece of sculpture. Is that right? What do you mean? That's just a beautiful piece of artwork. Sure. Yeah. That's it. That's all you wanted to say about it? I just wanted to highlight it because we don't talk about it enough these days. Venus de Milo or sculpture? Sculpture in general, but Venus de Milo specifically. I wasn't aware this was that kind of show where we talked. It's a very artistic show. Really? Do you talk a lot about sculpture and painting? Oh yeah, on the episodes you're not here, but I dumb it down when you're here. Thank God.

Please welcome him back. Jason Manzoukas is here. Thrilled. Thrilled to be here, Scott. So thrilled to have you. Wow. What an experience for us to be in the same room together. It truly is. You're going out of the country soon. I said, I got to get you back on an episode. Yes, we're taking How Did This Get Made to the UK. It's not plugs time. We'll talk about that a little later. I don't care. I'm plugging it up. No. I plug when I want. No, how dare you.

It's great to see you, Jason. You excited to get in that big metal bird in the sky and travel to another country? You know, thank you for calling it a big metal bird, first of all, because I feel like we don't think enough about planes as birds anymore. I know. We used to, like, every time you'd see one, you'd go, is that a bird? Is that a bird? Oh, no, no, no. Okay, that's a plane. You know? Or sometimes then you'd continue and go, oh, no, it's Superman. But...

But usually the progression was it's a bird, then just a place. Sure, sure, sure. And then it's Superman. Yeah. Especially if he's leaping over a tall building. Sure, yeah. In a single bound, of course. Of course. Yeah. It'd be interesting if Superman was like, I got to take two with this one. Two leaps? Two leaps. Two leaps in a single bound? Oh, man. Empire State Building. This is a two leaper. Good lord.

Good Lord. Good Lord. Welcome back to the show. The Empire State Building in the TV show and in the books, the Percy Jackson, it is the way to get to Mount Olympus. How do you feel about that? Do they ever see Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks up there? They do. Just smooching away? They do. They're just, well, they've moved beyond it. They're now like full-blown fingering. Really?

So they're third base right now. They're third base at the top of the Empire State. And the kids have to just navigate this as they get to Olympus? The kids are cheering. Really? They're into it. Oh, they're into it. Oh, yeah. Kids, they want to see that stuff. Sure, yeah. I took sex ed in 10th grade. It was educational. That seems late. That seems late. Were you held back? No.

That's when they gave it to us. That's our school system. When did you take it? In third grade? I think we had it in eighth grade. No, we had it in 10th, unfortunately. Our health teacher just did a bunch of monologues about stuff I didn't want to hear him talking about. Oh, yeah. It was always a health teacher or a gym teacher. Yeah. No, ours was both.

He was a gym teacher by day and health teacher by night. Oh, really? Sex teacher in between. Fight at night, fighting health emergencies as a health vigilante. Yes.

Yeah. Wonderful times. I hope kids are out there being careful. But if you see something on top of the Empire State Building, you know. If you see something, say something. Say something. Especially to Mr. Deedles. Oh, Mr. Deedles. We saw fingering. Who acts as a magical transport and tour guide to Mount Olympus. I have no idea. What is this all about? Absolutely.

It doesn't matter. Who cares? You're now in this show. It's one of the most popular shows of all time. I'm just guessing. It is. It's the biggest show in history. In history? I believe it is the number one show in streaming history. Wow. That's incredible. I think it's been seen by now everybody on the earth. Wow. Except me.

Thank you for your support, by the way. Of course. But it must be hard for you to walk down the street these days. Impossible. People just throwing rocks at me. Is that why you're going out of the country? Because the U.S. is just too hot. And they've got softer rocks. Oh, yeah. Isn't that weird how in Europe... Soft rocks. Soft rocks. Yeah. I don't get it. Which, you know, then they traveled over here and bands like the Eagles and stuff were like, why don't we name our genre after these?

I hate the Eagles. You hate the Eagles? Yes. Well, don't go to the sphere. I'm not going to. In 2024. I hate the Eagles. Why do you hate the Eagles? Here's the thing. It's less so much that I hate the Eagles. I never need to hear another Eagles song again. I like Life in the Fast Lane. It's a perfectly good song. I've now heard it enough. Here's my issue with them. You go to see them and you're like, all right, here's...

a bunch of eagles yeah it's it's men yes and it's not even like most of the men are dead well it's also like that's the thing and that's this is an incredibly moronic thing for you to be saying but you know it really is if if that were what you think don't mustn't you be then disappointed every time you see almost any band the beatles when i went to see the cars oh my god

I was expecting the Indy 500. Yeah. And instead it was Rico Kasich. Rico Kasich sitting there. 6'7", skinny old guy. In between producing Weezer albums, I bet. This guy. RIP a legend. That's right. Yes, of course. We stan a king. Rest in power.

But it is wonderful to get across the pond these days and see the people with all those accents saying blimey and lift. Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, hopefully I'm going to hook up with Byron Denniston while I'm over there. Oh, good. Oh, really? Okay. We talked to him on the last episode you were on, which I believe was...

Episode 850 or something. 49, somewhere around there. And we heard from him and then, you know, obviously a lot going on over there. The Grizz invited me to a party. I'm pretty excited to get over there and see them in their home turf. Oh, good.

We're going to, you know, the tour is going to Ireland and Scotland. Maybe I'll check out Fred Guinness. Okay. Please, when you come back, please catch us up on all of your adventures. I absolutely will. I absolutely will. Have them come on too and we can call Fred. I'd rather not. I know Fred doesn't get out of the... I'd rather not. Really.

I know Fred doesn't get out of the house. He really, he's a, he's like a, he's a homebody. He's a shut in. He's always there whenever we call. Thank God. Thank God. It's a, it works for us. Yeah, it truly does. Um, well, Jason, I'm excited for you to be back on the show because we have the return of entrepreneurs. We had small business owners for a while. And, uh, I just thought 2024, like, why are we holding back? Well,

Well, you know, the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well. It truly is. For this show to be promoting it is integral for us. And as a society, we are building things again. Every actor is a small business owner. We all have loan out companies. Thank you.

In order to tax dodge. Yes. Yes. We've got to dodge those taxes. We have to dodge them. Yes. We're the sharks. Yeah, that's true. Mr. Wonderful. Mr. Mr. Wonderful Life. Mr. Mr. Kyrie Eleison. Dodging.

Down the road that I'm... Curiolezon, everyone. They say instead of Merry Christmas in this universe. It's an alternate universe where the fact that he doesn't exist means people say Curiolezon instead of Merry Christmas. And then finally there's someone out there going, we can say Merry Christmas again. And...

And he's the good guy. And it's been in the war on Christmas. It truly is a war on Christmas. This is, this is writing itself. By the way, we got to call, we got to call Hallmark. We got to mail this to the WGA is what we got. Absolutely. That's right. Are they still accepting scripts? I think so. Yeah. I submit every day, every day. Just any random idea. I just submit ideas. Yeah. Um, well, it's wonderful to have you back on the show, uh, Jason. And, um, we do need to get to our, uh, our guests. I would love to show. Is that all right? I, I,

I guess now, please. Now? Yes. Immediately. Well, or at least after a break. Let us tarry no further. Well, we have no... We have a good 15 minutes before a break. Oh, great. Let's get to them. What do you say? Scott, I am literally begging. Have you ever met these gentlemen before? I don't think I have. Okay, well... Or if I have, it was in some sort of cacophonous scenario where there was maybe a dozen people crammed into a room. Yeah, possibly. They are the... Look...

I've said it before. They're not only the owners, they are the proprietors of a wonderful business out there. It's franchised in California and Florida. They have two locations. They are, of course, the owners and proprietors of the Calvin's Family Bee Honey Taffy Farm and Horse Fightin' Ranch.

They've been on this show now for, God, I want to say a good 10 years, at least a decade. I'm going to look up their first appearance. It's incredible to have them back. They have not been on in two years, and I think a lot has gone on in the intervening months. But please welcome back to the show, Beverly Hopox, Chico Hands, and Bisbee St. Hancock. Scott Lee! Hello! Scott Lee, my boy! How are you? How are you, Scott? How we doing? Good to see you, Scott. We're here.

Yes. Welcome back to the Hotel Scott Leoclear. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. And this is Jason Manzoukas, by the way. I don't know if you've ever met him. Huge fan. Oh, wow. Thank you. Enormous fan. A big fan, Jason. Sunday nights are Manzoukas nights in our house. Thank you. Wow. Only Manzoukas material. Because he doesn't have a ton of stuff. No? Hang on.

I mean, you have like, you know, a couple of movies. That one with Mark Wahlberg. Yeah, of course. Wahlberg. Love that. Wahlberg. Wahlberg. You got the TikTok man. Sure, of course. And then this Percy Jackson thing, and that's about it, right? Mm-hmm. That's the sum total of my IMDb. That's pretty much what we watch. That's what we watch. We love those. Every Sunday night. In that order. Thank you. In that order. Every Sunday night. On a loop. On a loop. Oh, so it loops. We Jason watching. That's right. Hip-hopping.

Flip-flopping through the cataloging of the man, Zookas. Tight-to-kas. God, Zookas. God, Zookas. What a talented provisor.

Wow. It must be so exciting for you to be in this same room with Jason Manzoukas. I'm shaking. I'm nervous. Wow. I'm stoked. Thank you, guys. Three very different reactions. This is the kind of welcome boy that I would love if you could give me.

I know you two well. Kind of welcome man right there you could give me. Thank you. Manzoukas. That's right. Maybe before we leave today, we could get an autograph. Absolutely. Maybe you'd sign something for us. For sure. Whatever you guys want. Do you have any Manzoukas merch that you could...

you know, have them sign? Sign one of our shirts? We got a few Manzuka shirts. You have some Manzuka shirts? How did this get put on my torso is what mine says. These are off, but these are hand-made. We all have, we each have our own

In our coach, a novelty Manzookas beard. Okay. And it says beard of Manzookas. Beard of Manzookas. That's right. So it's like the Groucho glasses that used to come out. The B-E's in capital letters. Beard of Manzookas. Oh, wow. Right, right.

Wow. I'm a Zookas, you're a Zookas. Be a man, Zookas. Won't you be a man, Zookas? I had no idea. Wow. Wait, are you guys selling this merch? Uh-huh. Wait, no. That all depends.

Well, I'm so plenty. Everybody knows we're entrepreneurs. Chico, you're in entertainment law, so you know how to navigate this question probably the best out of anyone. I was trying to. I said, hush, pipe down. There's laws about this stuff. I don't sell anything. That's it. Now you've got the line. It's wonderful to have you guys back on the program. It's been a couple of years. I know you've been embroiled in

a lawsuit for a couple of years. We can catch up about that. But I also just kind of want to know how things are going on the family bee, honey, taffy farm and horse fighting ranch. Of course, we first got to know you 10 years or so ago. You came on the show. First of all, it was just Bever and it was just Chico. You were the Calvin's twins and you own a

ranch where... Horsefighting, bee honey, taffy, family gathering. That's right. So horses, you have horse boxes. Well, there's horse fights. That's definitely the core of the business. There are Mickey Mouse, you would say. That's the Mickey Mouse. That's the Mickey Mouse. The bee honey taffy is the Donald Duck. Say Steamboat Willie. We can say that now. Yeah, you can say Steamboat Willie. Steamboat Willie.

That's right. That's the steamboat, Willie. And the bee honey taffy is our 12th night? Is that really in the public domain? That's clear. Peter Pan. There you go. Maybe. Not E.M. Berry's Peter Pan. That's copyrighted. No, no, no. That's copyrighted. But Peter Pan in general you can talk about.

And so you have these horse fights where, I mean, we barely even need to catch people up on this. They all know this. Horses beat each other to death every day. It is the international premier professional horse boxing championship epicenter. To the death. Epicenter.

To the death. Yes. What am I thinking? What are you stumbling over there? When you're afraid of a horse, you're equine center. Equiphobia. That's what I was looking for. Equiphobia? Yeah. Equine. Equine. Equine so fine. Be mine. Be your dumb and sucus.

That's what we say. That's what we say every Sunday. Sunday night. It comes out so smoothly. It's so eloquent and beautiful. And you also sell taffy, of course. And taffy season, by the way, ended in November 1st. October. Although we extended one of our flavors. Which flavor did you extend? Well, the back story is we lost one of our favorite horses this year. I'm so sorry. Which one?

Lost the fight or? Cinnamon. Cinnamon? Cinnamon. The daughter of Cinnamon. I remember Cinnamon was out of the stable and all that. So, Cinnamon is gone. What happened? Well, we woke up one morning. I hope so.

Well, we hoped we hadn't on this particular moment. Honestly, Scott, I wish I hadn't woken up that morning. You wished you were dead. I'd rather be dead than witness what we witnessed out in barn number 30. No. How many barns do you have? Hundreds. Hundreds of barns.

How many horses do you have on the premises at any given time? Alive? Yeah, sure. You see, Jason, if you're not familiar, we also have the world's largest horse incinerator on premises as each horse fight is to the death, as Scott Lee said earlier. And to be clear, it's the largest because of volume, not because you're fitting larger horses. Yeah, the horses are not giant horses, right? It's double pronged.

Oh, wow. It was a beautiful silver. That was the morning I was glad I woke up when we had Tumbo come here. I remember that. Tumbo's largest horse in history. Was Tumbo a good fighter? Terrible. Oh, no. That's how we found out that day. A gentle giant. Glass jar. Huge jar. Made of absolute porcelain. And Tumbo took a tumbling and we're like, oh, bother.

How are we going to take care of this? And Chico said, good thing we got the world's largest incinerator. We're not even going to bother with freezing. We also got the world's largest horse freezer. Oh, wow. Oh, okay. When we get back to the backlogs of all the horse corpse. Oh, can you only do one horse at a time in the incinerator? No, there's so many fights and bonds and deaths and horse corpses laying around the premises. Your fight calendar is kind of like chaotic.

It's a stack. There's a main stage. There's side stages. It's kind of like Coachella or a music festival. There's like about 48 horses per day. I heard you earlier referencing It's a Wonderful Life. Fabulous film. And you know they say every time a bell rings an angel gets a swing. We have a similar saying which is every time there's a horse fight. A

No, just every time. There is a whole schedule. Every time. I was moving on to a different subject. Don't interrupt Bisbee, please. I wasn't trying to finish that. So we wake up that morning, Cinnacinnaman. Well, we're on a different relationship level with Cinnacinnaman. And we go out to bar number 30, and...

Oh, God. Have you ever heard of that? Horses can tear themselves apart.

What? Self-tearing of a horse? Well, they get to a place where they know it's time, and a horse will tear itself apart, limb from limb. No. Tear out a start at the face. How? You move down. How? How? They can't really bend those. How can they get there? Explain. Physically, right? Are there moves prehensile? With all due respect, Mr. Manzoukas. I really mean this with all due respect.

So two due respects at each other right now. Yes. Well, I take your due respect and I put it in my respect bag. Oh, a dual respect? A dual respect. All dueling respects. I challenge you to a duel of respect. Who has more respect for the other? That's the question. I can't wait to find out. I respect you. I watch you every Sunday night. Ooh, Bisbee's in the lead. Sir, I respect you, your work, and your commitment to the natural world. And JM, not Barry, comes back. I bow to you and I lick your Adidas. Oh.

Oh, no. Oh, I can't believe it. Bismuth, second move, pulls out the Adidas lick. He's licking. Oh, no, he's down to two stripes. There was three Adidas stripes. Now he's down to two. That's not Adidas anymore. I need to bow out. What in the hell? I see. Bismuth takes it. No gentleman more respectful than old Bismuth. I respect anybody all the way to the bank. Down to the soles of their feet.

Anyway, he tore himself apart. He tore himself apart. Had never seen a horse do it like that in a long time. I'm so sorry. That's what Tennessee Williams is referencing.

You're tearing me apart like a horse does when it knows it's time. That was the off-Broadway line of dialogue. Okay, I thought that was the room. You're tearing me apart, Lisa? Yes, it's also the room. The room was based on a Tennessee word. Was it really? Tommy Wiseau really drew a lot of inspiration from Streetcar Named Desire. That's right. We know he's our cousin. What? We've never talked about that. Really? That's the most boring part of this.

I honestly agree. Strangely enough. He's the one that introduced us into coffin sleeping. That's right. Of course, you do that every October during taffy season. But so I'm so sorry about Cine Cinnamon. This is a great blow to the horse fighting ranch. Well, that's why we extended one of taffy flavor. Which taffy flavor did you extend? I'm going to say cinnamon. Oh, no, no, no. Branch. Branch.

Branch-flavored taffy. That's right. Branch. Cinnamon's favorite flavor. Yeah. Oh, so the horses eat the taffy. Sometimes they got to. If they get in there, if they nose their way in there, they do. But it's cinnamon's love for that taffy flavor started with her love for eating branches. He loved chewing on branches. Just pieces of wood. He cleared acres of forest just chewing on branches. Really? No matter what the tree flavor.

He'd start out in the morning, and you'd watch him, and he'd just prance up nice and friendly to an old pine. He'd nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble, nibble. And all of a sudden, sun's going down, and that horse, God, he probably tore through six, seven,

six seven hundred thousand trees six seven hundred thousand trees yeah wow wow that's it and so you can understand how it was hard to lose i'm so sorry like can i comfort you at all do you want to come on over sit on my lap well i that wouldn't come you should you offered thinking of friendly pat on the shoulder yeah so respectfully scotland

That is true. All due respect. Was Cinna Cinnamon's tearing of himself apart due in any way, shape, or form to the fact that his stomach was full of wood? Is that a penis goat? No. What? What?

Not even a remorse. Because we do not take kindly. I don't. I'm not insinuating that. To genital reference. No, no, no. Don't do that. Gladness about our horses. These are athletes, sir. These are athletes. Hey, their eyes are up here. I'm so sorry. I simply was referring to the fact that you said he ate six or seven hundred thousand trees. Yeah, maybe he was clawing at his stomach to try to get them out of there. Oh, well.

Wood, it's all fiber. It's organic. Shoots right through you. It's literally like Cheerio. Comes out the other end. Bolch. That must make the incinerator's job quite a bit easier.

Because there is wood inside. There's already a small fire, a bonfire. To be a good horse fighter, you've got to have a fire in your belly. Exactly. I think that's what you're saying, right? Yes, a fire in the belly. Fire in the belly. Fire behind the eyes. You know, Tumbo did not have zero fire.

Dumbo and Ice Cube in his gut. He had a giant, enormous elephant-sized gut. Did you find that out in the incinerator? Just an Ice Cube melted? Yeah, we saw it. And that made the incinerator's job much harder. I can only imagine. It was a huge Ice Cube. It was a big horse we're talking about. He had icicles hanging off him. Icicles hanging off his man's pubis.

I'm so sorry. And I'm sorry about Sin of Cinnamon. Was Sin of Cinnamon a good fighter? Cinnamon was a very good fighter. It sounds like you're in charge of so many horses, and every day so many horses must be dying because you have fights to the death every day. How do you deal with that level of loss?

It seems like you are very affected by... Are you able to compartmentalize this at all? Yeah, you care about these horses a lot. Well, yeah, if you look at the Calvin's Triplets family horse fighting B-Taffy Funny Farms map...

Everything's compartmentalized. Is it a funny farm? Wait, is it a funny farm now? It's like we've gotten into comedy. We haven't gotten into comedy. It's always been a funny farm. Is it a mental institution as well? It's always been a little bit funny. We do have, well, Dane Cook is on site. He does eight shows a week. Oh, that's not too many. No, Dane, well, I mean, it's eight shows a week.

Per day, per night. Wait, it's eight shows. A week per day. Eight shows per day. I see. Every week he does eight shows per day. This makes sense. Each of the week. My question is simply, is he doing those shows for the people that are visiting the farm or for the horses?

Yes. In a short answer, yes. With all due respect. All due respect. You know what? I understand and recognize your respect. Thank you. No, no, no. That's not necessary. Oh, my God. Please, that's not necessary. He's down to one stripe. One stripe. Oh, God.

Well, this is a terrible, terrible time for you guys. I'm so sorry. I'm so glad you came on the show. We need to take a break here. But when we come back, I do want to hear about what you guys have been up to because it's been a couple of years. And when we last saw you, something was happening. And I do want to ask about it. But we need to take a break. As we go to break, is there a song that you guys would like us to play for Sin of Cinnamon? Maybe a favorite song of his or anything like that?

I believe I can fly. By disgraced singer Art Kelly? It's appropriate. That's another cousin of ours you're talking about. Art Kelly? On our mother's side. I guess we can send him some of this publishing money. Let's play, I believe you can... Oh, here's an ad. You don't have the free version of whatever you're on right now. This is the second ad. This is for a movie that's been out now for three months. It's that Sidney Sweeney movie.

How on earth do you not have free... All right, here we go. Oh, any ad but that one. Wait a minute, this is actually a... What are we listening to? Apparently, I clicked on it, and apparently it's Red Hot Chili Peppers perform Higher Ground on the David Letterman Show. Oh, that's perfect. That's perfect. That's perfect.

That's ideal. We were at that show. You were? We all went to that. We love the peps. They were going to play a different song, and we were listening loudly to some Stevie Wonder. And you said, please play Stevie Wonder's Higher Ground. This is March 30, 1990. They did take our advice of changing the lyrics to, Horses, keep on dying. All right. Well, we're going to come right back after this break.

We'll see you right after this with more Comedy Bang Bang and the Calvin Striplets. We'll be right back. You know what? No matter where you are or who you are or when you are or how you are, all of the reporters' questions, you can feel like you are living the coastal California lifestyle with Viore Performance Apparel. Everything that Viore makes is designed to work out in. But you know what? It doesn't.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jason Manzoukas is here. Hello! And how did this get made? Of course, out there on tour in the UK, coming up very, very soon. Is that in March? Yes, at the end of March, early April. End of this month. All right, great. Well, we look forward to seeing those shows. Wait, are you going to be there? Absolutely not. You said we look forward to seeing those shows. Are you guys planning? I meant the royal we, and by that I mean Byron Deniston is going to be there in my stead. Yeah.

Um, but, uh, we do, we do, uh, have to get back to our guests here, Jason. Uh, we have, uh, of course, uh, these three gentlemen who, uh, own a very particular business where there are horse fights as well as, uh, they make taffy and apparently, uh, comedy shows, uh, a little, a main stage, maybe a second stage or, uh, uh,

Dane Cook on the main stage and Matt Reif on the second stage. Okay, so Matt Reif seems like he's more popular these days, but... I think you should Google him. Okay, sure. Good advice in any situation. Wait, it's some...

somehow again pulled up the red hot chili peppers on David Letterman? Yeah, okay, yeah, I'm so sorry. Stop, when you try and pull something up, why is it always just that quick? Maybe I have it bookmarked, I'm not sure. But the Calvin Striplets are here, of course, Beverly Hopox, Chico Hands, and Bisbee St. Hancock, and... Present!

All accounted for. Okay, and... Here. Okay. Okay, thank you. Thank God. And, you know, when we last saw you guys, it was a couple years back, and it was right after taffy season. It was right before Thanksgiving, I believe.

And you were in an odd situation because just to catch people up on this, this is the tail end of COVID and people were buying a lot of ivermectin, which is a horse dewormer, which was affecting your business because the worms were so prevalent in your horses that they would escape from the horses. They would turn into giant tremor size graboids worms.

And then you had seen chop Bisbee and you were chopping them in half, which then doubled the amount of worms exponentially. And then something really strange happened, which is these three triplets, the Baxter FKA Decker triplets, bought the surrounding land around your farm and

making it inaccessible to anyone coming in other than a small child on a large drone. And... You know what? I would love it, Scott. I feel like you're rushing through this. Yeah. Could you just go slowly? Could you just really break it down for us? Because I only say this because...

It's so simple. It's so easy to understand. It's so simple. Tale as old as time. And people just... It's relatable. They just need to hear it once, and it's just boom, it's in there. It's very easy to understand. You have two different horse fighting ranches, one in Florida, one in California. Correct. You wanted to... Tampa. Tampa. You wanted to buy...

the land in between the two. A thin little strip. A thin little strip. That's all. Like a Brazilian. A strip of our own. Two lane highway. Three grown 70 to 80 year old triplet man.

Could be proud of. You guys are 70 to 80 years old. You look fantastic. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you, Caesar. But you wanted to connect the two horse fighting. And so you would have the longest horse fighting ranch in existence. That's right. And before you could do this. Who holds that distinction now? Do we know?

The Baxter half and a deco triplets. Oh, wow. Because they're in a circle. They're in a horse anus sized circle around you. Horse anus. So it never ends. So that's technically infinite. Yeah, circles longer than a straight line. You learned that in geometry class. So they bought the surrounding land around your farm so that you could never...

create this strip to your other farm. You tried to burrow under it. They wouldn't allow you. You tried to build a bridge over it. They wouldn't allow you. Nope. And when we did our last episode, we got them on the phone because they, uh, they own the Baxter FKA Decker triplets, pig wrestling and caramel country Mart. I hated hearing their voices. Yep. They were on the phone with us and, uh, we left a message for them, but, uh,

You offered to have a sit-down with them along with Jeff Cohen, the entertainment lawyer. Chunk, he played in Goonies. Great lawyer, by the way. He offered his services. Good lawyer. Best decision we ever made. Was it pro bono? We made a lot of good decisions. Did he offer his services pro bono? I think he was anti-YouTube. Oh, okay. Is that a penis joke? I don't think so. Don't. These are athletes. Lawyers? Yes.

And equine privates are off the table. Off the table today. Okay, good to know for this episode. So whatever happened with that, did you do the sit down? Did any of this actually take place? Oh, we did. Oh, yes. It happened. It was long. It was too long. That's where we'd be. We would have been here sooner. Yeah. Because I asked you to come to the next episode. We couldn't do it. Yeah. It was in court. Yeah.

So you've been in court this entire time for over two years. Out of curiosity, are you guys hiring a lawyer or does one of you represent the group? Both. Got it. Yeah. I am.

I am a lawyer. I do hold a law license, but I'm not as much of a courtroom lawyer as Chunk, of course. Mr. Cohen. Mr. Cohen. Do you ever call him Chunk? He makes us call him Chunk. We call him Mr. Chunk. He would do a thing where he...

We would say, please, please, just a little more professionalism. Just you're a lawyer. And he would go right into chunk and he'd be going for the taffy buckets full of taffy. Wow. Chomping it up, doing the shuffle, doing the whole shuffle, everything. Wow. Come on, go over these briefs, would you? For once. So what what was the result of it? If I may ask, is the court case over? Well, yes.

I remember that court case very well. I remember it as if it were yesterday. Oi, I object. You can't object. No, you can't object. It was crazy. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What? That's all you remember from yesterday?

Well, Bisbee kept objecting, and he was not permitted to do it. It's what made the case take so long. That's right. I remember the judge came in, sat down. Oh, I remember. Well, this is open and shut. I remember that. All right, all right, everybody, take your seats. I got to. This is open and shut. I got to object.

Pipe down. Yeah, and two years later. Wow. This is like Inherit the Wind. This is like an episode of The Good Wife.

Do you know Chunk? Don't know either. Those references. He's a Yellowstone guy. He's a Yellowstone guy. I want a tribute. I'm a Percy Jackson. I'm a Percy Jackson. How did this get made? Mark Wahlberg movie. Mark Wahlberg film buff. Anything outside of that for entertainment other than the October Walking Dead festival. And Yellowstone. We talked about it on the last episode. I love Yellowstone. Of course, those Duttons. Dumb Dumb Dutton.

Open and shut in whose favor? Spreads out even a Charles S for me. Rock? Not the Rock. Sorry, just Rock. No Rock. R-O-C. Watch Rudy, the third alien film.

Into the third power. I'm lost on that movie. Alien cubed. So it was open and shut in whose favor? What actually, how did he rule at the end of the two years? They won. The Baxters won? It truly was open and shut. So thank goodness you were objecting so much. Yeah, well, I had to eventually, though. He just said, I'm ruling in favor of the Baxter, formerly known as the Dex. That's what the judge said? Well, do you guys remember?

I remember. I remember how it was. I rule in favor of the backstabbing. I object. You sound so defeated. Yeah. You knew it was over. I knew. I could only. I mean, we were starting. They'd bring in Jersey Mike's.

Oh, well, that's good. So wait, you got free Jersey Mike's every day? No, it wasn't free. No, you paid for it. Yep. The judge made us Venmo him, but yeah. After the fact, which we were like, oh no. Yeah. Oh, so when he made his ruling. We can't afford this.

So we'd already eaten it. We'd been through two taffy seasons and we ain't paid taxes on none of it because we've been here in court. And we thought the business was over and done for. And that's when the most incredible thing happened. What happened? What? Should we just listen to it? Sure. Please, no more objections. I won't even. I find in favor of the Baxter-Decker triplets. Ma'ams?

Mams? Mams? We? Check their pulse. We? Oh, okay, good. Wait, are you a precog, Judd? How did you know that that...

Oh, wait, I'm not here. Never mind. Wait a minute. I gotta say, we were so glad. Why were you there? Scott, what were you doing there? We were so glad you showed up to support us. That was the best thing that happened to us. I came one day and I wanted to be incognito. We don't have money. We didn't win the case. Chunk won't talk to us so much as John sealed shut with taffy. But at least we have a friend like Scott Leacock.

Did you go because you knew there'd be Jersey Mike's and you love it? Yeah, I love Jersey Mike's. I love any JM. Barry, Jersey Mike's, Manzoukas. One of your favorite top three Mike's. That's true. Tyson's tattoo is number one. Sure, of course. Well, that was why that was the moment when I tried my only objection of the entire trial. You may have heard it right at the tail end of that flashback. I didn't catch it.

No, you could hear me objecting right there. I heard it before the flash forward. Well, what happened then? Well, I think you should remember more than any of us. Sorry, I'm not here. I just I wanted to be incognito. Don't let the fact that I'm a famous podcaster interrupt this trial anyway. Object! Your Honor, I object. Yes. All right. Sustained.

Really? You're sustaining one? We've been objecting for two years. You're finally going to sustain? I like the cut of your jib. What? Likewise. I just need to know under what basis you object. I just wanted to hear a little more from Scott. We didn't know he was coming. Oh, my goodness. Scott, maybe he's got some evidence. Is this Scott? Oh, hi. Is this Scott Ackerman? Hi, Queda. From the podcast? From Mr. Show? Scott?

We love you. This is the best day. Queda, Kandid, Tanya. We win the case. And.

And our hero, Scott Ockerley, comes to wish us well. Scott Ockerley. Scott Ockerley and Chunk in one room? Yes, I know, it's crazy. But anyway, I don't mean to disrupt the trial, Judge. No, it's over. I have to go home. Wait, you haven't been home this whole time? I object. Oh, I'm sitting back down. I'm sitting back down.

Yeah, I do remember that. Yeah, that was so interesting. Scott, when we've come back from the flashback, your face is covered in lipstick kisses. Yeah, well, as I'm remembering, I'm...

I'm doing what they did to me. Yeah. With my own, with my first. It really seemed like those triplets. Yeah, they love me. Yeah, the Baxter triplets. We were unsure of your allegiance there for a moment, Scott. Look, I'll take kisses anytime, but you know that I'm with you guys. But a ton of events was occurring.

because at first we thought here's our friend there's some hope oh no he's turned on us to be some sort of lover boy for those those harlots that's right those flimsy whimsy uh open their skirtsy bimsies uh keep on keep on flirting with the scotley butlers wow which which i feel like

Beaver, beaver. You're getting too hot under the collar. I feel like this seems to belie a real emotional attachment to these triplets. Yeah. I take umbrage to your insinuations, sir. Sorry. So at a certain point, it looked like the judge thought they were about to die or were dead.

And then they were okay, but then they did die. So are they dead? What actually? Oh, I was there. That's right. I'm remembering it now. Did you? Oh, Stata, I need to come and give you more kisses. Oh, no. What happened to? Mon dieu. Oh, no. She is dead.

He's fallen for the dead? No. My sisters. My sisters. I've got a Jersey Mike's delivery here. Oh, yeah, that's for me. Holy shit. Jason Mazzucca's a shit, too?

Oh, my God. Is it Sunday? Wait a minute. It is Sunday. No, no, no. Oh, my God. No, he's actually here. He's actually here. He's here in the courtroom, and he's got a platter. I got a bunch of sandwiches. With a tumbo's worth of chips and mics. We can heat them up in the incinerator. They got a little cold. A doodle-oo-da-loo. Doodle-oo-da-loo. Doodle-oo-da-loo.

We came back slow. We came back slow. Now, how come you've been faking you weren't there the whole time? You know what? It's only in that last minute that I thought someone else was delivering those sandwiches, and it turned out it was me. It was you. That's right. You know what?

What a crazy day that was. Wow, what a crazy day. It was during... Because I remember, because it was a couple of years ago, it was before work had come back and it was pandemic. And so I had taken like a gig job delivering Jersey mics to Tampa, Florida. You got to do what you got to do. You make a gig there is. Yeah. And so you delivered them for two years. So were you delivering them for every day for the past two years? No, because I was doing it from LA to Florida. That trip would take... That would take two years. So I only did a couple of orders. I was only able...

All these flashbacks were to just Friday, this last Friday. That's right. That's right. That's when the court case wrapped up. That's right. That is correct. It feels like so much longer ago. I don't even know that we need to flashbacks for it. Like, we could just remember it. Yeah. It was just a couple of days ago.

Anyway, I'll see you guys on Monday for the show. Oh, wait a minute. Bring some leftover Jersey Bags. Hey, get it Mike's way. All right, we'll see you there.

That's right. Oh, okay. Yeah. That's why you guys are all on the show together. I forgot about that. And they're dead. They're dead. Okay. Well, good for you. Do you own their farm? We're waiting to find out. Is it in probate? Who they left it for. Oh, my gosh. Oh, I hope there's a reading of the will. There's a reading of the will. Someone's at the door. Don't answer. No. No, do answer. Let him wait. Let me get the door here. You're plugged in. You're plugged in. Oh, my God.

Oh my God, it's Chunk. Jeff! Cold! Jeff! Jeff! He's doing the truffle shuffle. Here we go. And he just dropped off a piece of paper. Where are you going, Chunk? Come on.

And he carries that statue with the upside down penis everywhere he goes. Everywhere he goes. Everywhere he goes. Okay, well, let me take a look at this. Take it out of the envelope and...

Let's see the last will and testament of the Baxter FKA Decker triplets. It might be good. It might be good. It might be good. Well, guys, we have to take a break. But do you want to read this on air?

Read it right now. No, we have to take a break. He just said. He just said. We either read it right now or if we take a break. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to ever hear anything. We have to take a break, so I guess we're not going to hear about it. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we'll have more Jason Manzoukas, more Calvin Striplets. We'll be right back with more Company Bang Bang after this. No, you can't. We'll be right back. For 25 years.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jason Manzoukas is here. Of course, How Did This Get Made podcast. Yay, thank you. Wow, what a time we're having. That's right. In the podcast apps, anywhere you get your podcast, you can get this podcast. If you get a podcast anywhere, you can get the one I'm on. Yeah, exactly. As well as this one. Yeah, you can get either. I would prefer you get this one. I would prefer you get both. Okay, I prefer you get this one. I think they are wonderful compliments to each other. Okay, yeah. I mean, don't listen to them simultaneously. Do. Why?

Why not? It saves time, right? Yes. Simultaneously. It could be like a Wizard of Oz Pink Floyd. Yeah. Sync it up. Sync it up. Every episode syncs together. Yes. No. Yeah. We've done that because you guys have been around 14 years. Yeah. A year into my show, I said, let's just like sync up these shows together. So we record them simultaneously in rooms next to each other. Yes. I'm jumping back and forth right now. We're doing a very...

What movie are you doing? We're doing Beekeeper. Beekeeper? Oh, my gosh. That's right up our alley. It's fantastic. Yeah, because of the taffy. We're beekeepers. That's how we have bees. We keep bees. Huge. That's Monday night. That's Mondays, really. Mondays.

Statham. We have the triplets here, the Calvin's triplets here, of course, Bevor, Chico, and Bisbee. And Bisbee, by the way, you seem to have, the last time I saw you, you sounded different. Your larynx had been replaced by a horse larynx. Horse larynx. And now you sound sort of like how you used to sound. What happened? Well, a horse larynx, it'll adjust to your body.

And they certainly have. And now, as you can see physically, it does not look as much. You don't have the long horse neck anymore. It seems to have shrunk down. It shrunk down. I had to give it a couple, probably about 12 months.

Yeah, so that was in the middle of that two-year trial. That's right. When I was objecting, sometimes it wasn't even me. It was part of the horse spirit who was objecting. I couldn't even control myself. That makes sense now. You know what? At the end of the day, that makes sense. It all adds up.

And of course we have the last will and testament of the Baxter FKA Decker triplets here. No thanks. We're not going to open apparently. But this is, you know, it's good news. Wait. Hold on.

I think I changed my mind. Oh, well, that's a man's prerogative. What curiosity got the better of me, brothers? It killed a cat. Be wary of that. That's fine. I exist surrounded by horse death. You think I care about the death of some small little kitty cat? I think maybe. What if it was Garfield? Oh, then it's probably, well, we're watching Jason Statham because it sounds like a case of the Mondays.

Transporter 2? Sure, yeah. My brothers, I feel like maybe we should hear this will. And to be fair to the podcast audience and all participants, we'll hand it around the table paragraph by paragraph. As done traditionally. It's the only way to read a will.

I'll start, of course, because I have it in my possession right now. Possession is nine-tenths of the law, as we know. Paragraphs, three to four sentences. Three to four. Can we record this so we can put it on our... It is a podcast, so I believe it is recording. I mean, video-wise, we should record this so we can put it on our OnlyFans. You have an OnlyFans? Way to measure good idea. I think we should. You guys have an OnlyFans page? Very successful. What do you post on there?

A lot of videos. A lot of reading of legal documents. Oh, okay. That kind of stuff. Is it popular? It's amongst a very tiny set of people, so it depends on the meaning of the word popular. I suppose. Not a lot of people, but they give us a lot of coins.

Yeah, and you only have one listener and they pay a trillion dollars a month. It doesn't matter. Did we tell you about this already? That's how much they're paying. That's right. That's what we've got. That's the only reason we're still going. Exactly. I wonder, you know, because you guys said you almost lost the business. You have that side hustle where you make the big giant novelty checks for the publisher's clearinghouse and you made that deal with them. We remember. You made that deal with them where you get 10% of any amount ever written on these giant checks. So you guys are...

multi-millionaires. That must be hugely lucrative. We're trillionaires. Those checks aren't as popular. Because of our anonymous donator. So are you guys the ones who have signed up

For your own OnlyFans? Uh-huh. Because there's not a lot of trillionaires. We take turns and we each go in other rooms and watch each other. You didn't have to tell him. Come on. I didn't think it was bad. Nothing wrong with self-love. We're basically rotating. If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you going to love somebody else? Can I get an amen? Amen.

Now let the music play. The hot chili peppers. The chili peppers. Okay. I don't know if I can get it back. But all right, let's read this will. Here we are. This is the last will and testament of the Baxter FKA Decker triplets.

If you are reading this, you are the executor of our will. Whoa. Oh, my God. How incredible. Whoa. Wow. I had no idea. That's breaking news. Well, hold on. The sentence is not done. Oh. Even if it's passed around a table. Okay. That was going to be my question. Wow. Because you were almost on the horn to read the whole thing by yourself, Scott. No, no, no. Paint yourself in that corner. Of course I wouldn't do that. I've been doing this show 15 years. I know how to get myself out of these.

Uh...

I really... This is just one of them. You stumble with the most confidence I've seen. I know how to get out of these things. In his defense, it is written in awful cursive. It's in the new final draft as well. It's still buggy. 15 years of experience. That's why I use John August and Craig Mazins. I'm still on my 9,000th hour.

I just got to get 1,000 more. I want to say, and by the way, this is the will again. This is the will. It says, by the way. I really, I want to say. I really, I want to say. You're a very good public speaker because you look down at it and then you look up at us. And you gather the words and you look back at us. Make eye contact. I can't do that. That's how they teach you in cold reading class. I really, I want to say, by the way, this is Queda talking.

Oh, I bet this was dictated. Yeah. Well, it says that down at the bottom, dictated, not read. Hey, come on. These are athletes. Come on. Enough of this. Enough of this dirty mouth talk. Now, stop with this guy. I really, I want to say, and this is Cuida, by the way, that the times I spent with you in the courtroom for the past two years, Bever, Chico, and Bisbee, were the best times of my life.

Well. Okay, now I'm passing it over to Bisbee here. I'll take it over from here, page two. That was one page, by the way. The font is enormous. Thank God. This doesn't look like a legal document. Makes it even more unreasonable that we would stumble over these words. Do you remember that time in court where the judge asked us all to take a moment?

and reflect upon what has happened between our two families. Well, I did take some time, and I looked over at you, Bisbee. Huh? Whoa. You're amazing. If I could leave it to just you, I would, but I can't, so I have to... New page. So we're doing it by page. Okay. I figured.

Ooh. So the last word on the other page was two, and then this was the second O of two. It was like a long two. Oh, okay. So it's a two. I was going to take issue, but I have to leave it two, and it's like, what are you? Two? Wait. But it's an also. No. It's an also. It's also. It's not, I have to leave it as well. Directly a two. Yes. I see. I have to leave it two. Two. As well. As well. I would like to.

Regular. 102. You're a lawyer, so you're used to parsing language like this. So that's why we're interrupting so much. It's very complicated and dense, but I'll continue. Two, but I want to, but I'm not sure if I can. Because, and by the way, this is Candida talking now. It switched to another. In the middle of a, this is like switching tenses in between. That's right. I remember that day.

In the courtroom, when I looked over at the judge plaintively,

And I considered, what would happen if I stood up right now and said, Your Honor, I would like to drop the case. What? Candida was considering dropping the case. Wow, I wonder how Cuida felt about this. We didn't even find out what Cuida was talking about. I know. The other thing. Strange, but I mean, this is the way they're writing it. Do you want to pass it off now? No, there's a little bit more. A little bit more. This is like an exquisite course. And if you don't remember the moment I'm talking about,

Perhaps you could...

Go back in your minds. Doodle, doodle, doodle. Doodle, doodle, doodle. It's written doodle, doodle, doodle. Doodle, doodle, doodle. Chico, you're becoming hazy and unlovable. He's disappearing. We're still here. Oh, no. How do we get Chico back? Read the will. Okay. And if you do go back, chances are...

If you don't finish reading this will, you will be stuck in another region. Oh, no. Between the past and the present. No. What? Oh, no. By the way, nether regions, we shouldn't talk about. These are athletes. These are athletes. I can hear the dick jokes from in this dimension.

He's stuck in undefined time? Yeah. In the past, heretofore in this legal document referenced as the behind times, or the present time heretofore moving forward in this document, now...

If here unto these Baxter-Decker sisters, heretofore known as the Poitier sisters, will bequeath all findings and keepers, heaven forbid, some disastrous effect should happen to them and they no longer being of sound mind or body able to execute their estate henceforth unto them will bequeath all said good earthly deeds unto the Calvin's triplets heretofore known

known as Party of Brothers. Sad sisters will then transfer all power legally henceforth in perpetuity and all known universes to brothers if only they are able to retrieve Chico from previous behind times reference near the regions. Page four.

So much on that page. Wow. I wish Chico wasn't stuck in between these two worlds because that was so hard to understand. And what it does sound like, it does sound like that unless we can find a way to bring Chico back, that the transfer, that the validity of this will will forever be in doubt. Right. Yes. And he'll be forever. Unless we can get him back, he'll be trapped. And you guys won't get the...

The surrounding property. The Baxter family farm. Does page five explain how to get my brother back? I'm going after him. Wait, what? Little, little, little.

Can you do this? He disappeared. Oh, my God. Fizby, that you? They're fading in and out. It's so hazy in here. It's so hazy. Are you in there? Is that you? Yeah, it's me. How are you doing? It's a little chilly in here. Don't you agree? Come back and get a jacket for him. Yeah, bye.

Do you want my jacket? Can I take that? Yeah, here you go. Thank you very much. Sorry. Okay. He's cold. It hurts more the second time. How'd you do that? I just, oh shit. I just did it. I've been trying the whole time. It's chilly. It's cold.

It's so nice. Is this yours? No. Some guy gave it to me. Some guy? Some guy. You don't remember? The host of the show. You've been on this show several times. He's the guy. He talks to us. Scott? Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. That makes sense. The not Jason Mandzuka Scott. I don't know. I mean, that is what people think about me on this show. The not Jason Mandzuka Scott. We don't have time to talk about this. We've got to get back.

I've been trying, but wait. Are you shitting? There's a toilet over here. There's a ghost toilet? I'm not an idiot. I'm in love. You know what? I want to see how this plays out. Oh, no. You got to read page five. I'm so sorry. I want to read page five. It's right here in my hand. But I'm so curious to hear what they're up to. It sounds like they're just waiting. Especially now that I know there's a toilet. They're just waiting in line to turn shitting? Let me know when you're done.

All right, I'm done. I'm done. There's toilet paper in the cabinet. Man, this thing is stressing me out. I'll tell you what. What would make me feel better is a Jason Manzoukas, Jason Statham,

Join a picture called Ghost Toilet. Oh, wow. That would be... That would make me feel better. Nothing would make me happier, quite honestly, than to be starring alongside Jason Statham in a movie called Ghost Toilet. And if anyone is listening who can make that happen, please. And then the day it comes out, you do a How Did This Get Made About It. Immediately. Well, I was off. It was the fifth appearance of the Calvin's Trip. It's on Comedy Bang Bang.

They were trapped in between the president and the past. There were nether regions where they found, obviously, a ghost toilet. The MacGuffin of said film. All right, read page five. I'm so sorry. We've got to figure out how we get Chico Hands back and, I guess, Bisbee. Why would they keep the toilet paper in the cabinet? They don't have a thing on the side? There's a thing. No, I'd use the last of the roll. I'm saying there's extra. It makes sense. Page five. Okay.

Hey, y'all. Tanya here. Oh. I guess Tanya's weighing in on this part of it. This is good. Yeah, we haven't heard from Tanya. Being of sound mind and body, and that body be banging? Oh, well, I mean, I saw her in the... We both saw her. Yeah, it's so hot. On Friday, yeah. I do hereby swear that any and all lands, property, livestock...

Buildings, any other effects therein, contained therein, belong to anyone who resides in the liminal space between time. Okay, so wait, so this means that Chico and I guess now Bisbee, they own the lands, but Bevor, you don't? Oh, damn. Oh, my God.

this is a real this is a real case of the statham and if there seems to be can feel like confusion amongst the sisters but if they come back then that means you won't own the land maybe they should just hey guys maybe you should maybe you should continue to be in between worlds which cabinet is it on the lower right lower right you know what it is you're

I don't think they can hear us, but we can hear them. Oh, that makes more sense. If you're sitting on the commode on your right, lower right. Well, how would we even get them the instructions of how to... I don't know. I see there's about 22 more pages to this whip. Did you see the Comedy Bang Bang book is here in the bathroom, too? I might have to use that. Please don't. All right, look, let me flip through this a little bit.

Because it's page 6, 7, 8, blah, blah, blah. Let me get to the end here to see if there's any instructions to... How many people do you think genuinely have used the Comedy Bang Bang book in an emergency situation? For toilet paper? For toilet paper. Every single person. Because it was in their bag or in the car. You have to. Or wherever that horrible nightmare event took place. Yeah, exactly. All right, let me see down here. Okay, end of page 22. Therefore, the only way...

Wow. Wow.

Is there any kind of like expiration date? Is this something I got to take care of today? You can probably do it in your next appearance. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. No, a little footnote down here. Okay, okay, okay. By the way, if we die, this has to be done within three calendar days. Oh, no, they died on Friday. This is Monday. And we're sure they're dead, right?

And is that sundown on the third day? I'm just trying to, are we talking hours? Because we could be in trouble already with hours. It clarifies it says within 72 hours. And what are we at now? Because this was at the end of the court day on Friday. It's not business days versus weekend. It's calendar day. It's calendar day. Yeah, yeah. So this was at the end of the court session on Friday. This was around 3.30 or so. And it's about 3.25 right now on Monday. Oh, no!

My basic math skills are kicking in the high end. You're telling me I got about five minutes to get my brother's back and say, I better go. Wait, what was it? Was it? I don't remember. This is not the time to forget how to dissolve into the past. Wait a minute. I think I know what to do.

I just saw Dune 2 the other day. Oh, wow. How was it? I enjoyed it very much. Okay. And I think I'm going to have to take one of our giant ivermectin worms. Oh, the Graboids. Which also have the power to travel betwixt nether regions. Of course they do. Of course. Their force power. And if I ride our super uber ivermectin worm, I can retrieve my brothers. We can read this poem. Do it, Bevor. Hurry. I'll be right back. He's parked outside. He's parked outside.

Are you gonna stand up and open the door? Yeah, I think so. To be clear, I was saying the Comedy Bang Bang book for reading material, not toilet paper. It's too late! I'm on page 16! Come on! Oh my god. It's a giant dune worm. Wow, wow. I'm coming, brothers! He's disappearing! Oh my god, he went straight into the earth. Shh!

He's fading into the... Hey, who's that? It's Beva! Beva! Beva's here! Beva's here! Whoa, what's that you got in your hands, Bisbee? What? Oh, it's Carlin. I mean, it's a Carlin and Bag-Bag-Bug. Oh! He's wiping his ass with it. What segment? Choose carefully. Who wrote it? I don't know! Wait! It's some... It's... It's...

He doesn't remember what he wrote for the book. I guarantee he's never looked inside the book. Is that a Ryan Gould character? Yeah, it's horribly, horribly written. I love that guy. He's funny. He's funny. I know they can't hear us, but they got to get him on the funny farm. Brothers, brothers, brothers. Yeah? I know how to get us back.

And I know how all of the Baxter half-and-a-dexter sisters' earthly belongings can belong to us. They can float closer to the mic. Here's what I would say. I would listen to a Calvin's Triplets podcast where they're always off mic. Just float a little bit closer. Just on CBB World, off mic, off my Calvin's Triplets. All right, well, they only have three minutes. Here, take my hand. Take my hand. Now we have to resign.

That poem that we all know by heart. That one? About you know what. Oh, no. Taking place you know when. And if we do it word perfect with no flubs, we will be transferred back into the now and be the owners of all the Baxter-Decker-Triplets property. We gotta do it. Sounds easy as pie.

Taffy pie. What kind of pie? Taffy pie. Taffy pie. Taffy pie. Making my stomach rumble. All right. You know, I hope they're all holding hands for real. I hope they are. One, two, three.

We the Calvin's brothers love each other like no others. We skip and play and rattle detail and every day we do it like that. So times we go!

But sometimes we do.

Maybe if you visit, we'll do it with you. Oh, there's a smock in my face. They did it word perfect. Wow. My God, that means we...

That means we own everything. Yeah. Why? I think it does. What happened to my book? Oh, there's shit all over it. Sorry. It's only the only the worst segments. Welcome back, guys. Chico. Oh, my God. I thought I'd never see you again. And your coat. Thanks so much. It was chilly in there. I was really worried about that. Yeah. Yeah. Are you fine now? Is the temperature? No, it's perfect in here. Okay, great. Yeah.

Guys, congratulations. You made it back from the nether regions. I feel really good about what just happened. I actually had to use the restroom. That worked out. That worked out very nicely for me. We heard. Yeah. What we don't know is we were able to hear everything. No, really? Oh, yeah. Yeah, Bevor didn't communicate that to you. Oh. Well, you know what? Respect. Respect.

The most respect. All do. All do. All do do respect. All do. All do do respect. So, guys, you now own the horse anus sized ring of surrounding property around the horse fighting ranch. You're now probably you could be open for business and you can get all the tourism back. Buy up all that land. Probably shut down our OnlyFans account.

Well, we don't have to. We don't have to do that. That's foolish. Congratulations. I mean, how does it feel? This is incredible. You're on top. Years worth of struggle. It only took three French women dying. It's behind you. Can I be honest with you? Sure. I think I'm going to miss them a little bit. Really? Wait a minute. What?

There's someone coming up, peeking over the hedge. They're coming up to the door. The Comedy Bang Bang Hedge? That's right. There's three... I grew that for the show. Why would they be peeking over it? Normally, just Wilson is over there, but who isn't? I think it probably... Is that Wilson? It's my volleyball. It's three hooded figures. They're coming, walking to the door. Three hooded figures a la the traitors in The Traitors? Is it Phaedra? Ha ha ha!

Oh, no, no. Who is it? Are they ever going to take their hoods off? You're the one behind the door, Scott. I thought, okay. They're just standing there with their, oh, let them in. Yeah. Oh.

Oh. Oh, wait. So now there's three hooded figures in the room. In the room, yeah. And Alan Cumming. Oh, wait. It is traitors? Hello, my darlings. Alan! You see, gathered here before you. I'm a huge fan. Oh, thank you kindly. I love the good wife. Do you care for my brooch?

I love the way you dress. I love your style. I love everything about you. Darling. Yo, I'm thrilled. Is this the traitors? Oh, God. Is this the traitors? What's happening right now? Who are these hooded figures? Remains to be seen. Oh, wow. Hello, fellow people. Is this a crossover episode? Hello.

It's me, Tanya. Tanya? Tanya Baxter? FKA Decker? You're alive? It was all a joke. Hello. Oh my God, we got you. Bonjour. Hello, you stupid, you stupid triplet brothers. We wanted to see your face after you had... You goddamn son of a bitch. Wow, that's just a dirty trick. We had to take this opportunity to say to your face... We had to. Leave a message.

This was an answering machine message. Where did they go? Where did they just go? It appears, my faithful, you've received a message from beyond. They took off the hoods and they turned into just answering machines. Where did Alan come from? He just knocked.

Nightcrawler! He bamfed away. He bamfed. It smells like brimstone in here. He totally bamfed. It smells very similar to that Jersey Mike after stitch that has been left in the nether region. All that's left is a brooch. I didn't know if you were in a superhero movie you got to keep the powers after you were done. Oh my God. Yeah.

Well, guys, this is bad news. The triplets, the Baxter triplets are still alive. On the precipice of a victory, it was snatched. It was a lot of work. Come on there, athletes. Sorry.

Just because they're females doesn't mean they're not athletes. They were snatched. Wow, did it again. I'm sorry, guys. This is bad news for you, but I mean, is this the craziest thing to happen to you today?

Oh, this is like number nine. I was going to say ten maybe. We've had a day. We don't want to hear about the other stuff. But this is just life with the Calvin Strippers. Life with the CT. We were so

close. So close. Don't need it all. Oh, man. Can you imagine telling Cousin Tommy and Cousin R about this when we go to brunch after this? You guys are going to brunch after this? With Tommy Wiseau? And R. Kelly. R. Kelly's birthday today. Oh, wait. They let him out for his birthday? Oh, wow. Furlough.

Well, you know, when you're in a... Birthday furlough. I know it's a disappointing situation. You guys have such a positive outlook. When you're in a situation like this, there's only one thing to say, right? You gotta laugh! All right, wonderful. Vivo! Vivo! The red hot chili peppers are here! Well, the backstarts! The key part! Oh, my God. Thanks, Anthony. The world!

Was left in another region. Oh, shit. God, the strip is old. I'm so sorry about your worm. I can't believe they did an original song for the episode. We asked them to. We asked them to. Incredible. Well, guys, we are running out of time here.

Unfortunately, there's only one time. Unless. Oh, Scott, it's so good to see you. Good to see you, Scott. It's okay to be here. Nah, just playing. Oh, okay, yeah. That was a great memory, though. I love that. It was such a fun time on Friday. We are running out of time. We only have time for one final feature. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. Oh.

Plugs. Plugs. Plugs. Plugs. Oh, very nice. That was Bluey Heeler's Plug Bag by Canada Bang Bang. Thank you so much. If you have a plugs theme, head on over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and you can be heard on this show. Is there a Canadian version of this show? There should be. I wonder who would host it and everything. Probably you. Yeah, maybe Celine Dion. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You and Celine Dion. She seems to have shaken that whatever she had, the stiff body syndrome. She shook it off like Taylor Swift. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. You saw her on the Grammys.

Yes, Bevor, you wanted to say something? Nah. Passing on this? I had some thoughts about the Grammys, but that's for next time. That's for OnlyFans. I'll tell you if you want. Do you want to play? Yeah, sure. At first you said, I think Celine shook off, then I was going to say old husband. Oh, right, yeah. And then, you know, yeah, no one was ever ailing her. She did the Taylor Swift, shook it off like Taylor Swift. I was like, mashup! But I was like, nah, it's okay.

Time for plugs. How do people get your OnlyFans, by the way? Practice, practice, practice. You got to practice. You got to work. OnlyFans.com backslash Calvin's Triplets, Horse Fighting, Bee Honey, Taffy Farms. Okay. All one word, no spaces. Yes, no spaces. Yeah, we got to make sure we have this. What do we want to plug, Jason? Yeah, what if somebody got to it before us?

Could you imagine? Yeah. That'd be the most embarrassing thing that happened to us today. I'm certain there's a bunch of dummies who've gotten a bunch of these websites based on nonsense that we've said here. What do you want to plug, Jason? I will plug... You have dates coming up, right? Oh, yeah. If you are in...

If you're in the UK, if you're in London, Belfast, Glasgow, and someplace else that I'm forgetting right now, Dublin, then we are coming to your city. Get tickets for How Did This Get Made? Also, the Netflix is a Joke Festival we're playing here in Los Angeles. That's right. And you know what? We talked about Percy Jackson before, but I'm going to shout out

Star Trek Prodigy on Netflix. That's right. Jumped over to Netflix. This is the only time that a show has ever jumped in between streaming services, a lot like what Chico was doing in between the past and the present. Yes, yes. We were previously in the nether regions of Paramount Plus. That's right. And now we find ourselves on the rock solid earth of Netflix. But you have Paramount Plus. You can see your movie there with Mark Wahlberg.

Mark Wahlberg. Oh, yes. The movie Infinite where I play the artisan. The artisan. A character whose only name is the artisan. That's right. And of course, Mr. Deedles on Percy Jackson. Mr. Deedles and the Deedles. Oh, you play all the Deedles too? I play all the Deedles like Eddie Murphy. Oh, like the Klum situation. That's so good. I play all the Deedles. Yeah. All right. Calvin's. Kid Deedle, Mama Deedle. Do that famous line as Mama Deedle.

You better get your deedle over here. Yeah, I love that you don't change your voice. That's my favorite thing about the deedle. Well, that's the thing is I don't change my voice. You don't do voices. Nope, I don't do voices. Famously. And there's no makeup or anything. You look exactly like yourself. All the deedles have the beard. All the deedles have it. I like it because it's not deceptive. Anytime I see Eddie Murphy or Robert, anybody doing multiple roles, I'm like, that's all the same person. This is confusing. If you're going to be the same person, be that person. Consistency. Consistency.

consistency. Calvin Striplets, what do you want to plug? Do you have anything out there going on? The traitors. The traitors, of course. We've been watching that. We did want to plug our... We're still going to need it now, evidently, because if Baxter Triplets still got the noose around our neck, so to speak, with all their land, we have started...

A hot air balloon taxi service. It's the way we got here today, Scott. It's the only way we can get off the ranch. Oh, okay. They own all the land around us. Coach of the sky. That's right. Wow. That sounds fast. So you'll taxi anyone from anywhere? Is there an app? Not anywhere. Pretty much anywhere, though. From the ranch to anywhere and back to the ranch. So people have to start at the ranch. You better be coming or you better be going. That's the tagline on the sizzle. Download the app.

Put it in. What's the app called? Is this some sort of balloon-based Uber kind of thing? It's called Baloober. Baloober. Do people get confused? They think it's like Beluga Caviar sometimes? Yeah, they get confused about that a lot. There's an app called Baby Beluber, which is a Raffi app. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Hey, don't forget to order our new taffy that we're going to have going all year. Branch. So Branch is a year-round flavor. Well, it is this year in honor of CineCine. And is it just any branch flavor or which tree flavor is it? Yeah, because you said trees have different flavors. It's kind of a mystery pack.

You never know what kind of branch you could get. Nice. Are there cards in this, like CineCinnamon's horse fighting card in there? You get her rookie card and stuff? It comes with a VHS tape of CineCinnamon's. Each order comes with a VHS tape of CineCinnamon's last moments. Tearing himself apart? Rending the flesh from his body?

That's right. Well, yeah, you should see it. Well, order some. You'll see it. Get it ordered online. You can call us.

Call us at 310-980-4053. Let us know if you want to order some taffy. I've heard that number before somewhere. Yeah, that's our number. So call the Calvin Striplets at that number. That's right. Let us know what you need, and you can make an appointment for any one of our fights. If you can make it there, then we'll show you the fights. Wonderful. All right. I want to plug. Look, we're also Comedy Bang Bang will be at the Netflix's A Joke Fest event.

I think there's, uh, one handful of tickets available at this point. So five. Yeah. I believe there's five tickets. Well, I mean, if you can hold 20 tickets, I think they're, Oh, Oh, it's however many one hand can hold. Yes, exactly. Interesting. Um, but that is in, that's in may, right? Yeah. I believe so. Yeah. So may 9th or something like that. And, uh, we're going to do a big show and we're getting very close to being able to announce some other shows. So, uh,

make way for those in the summer and then head over to CBB World. We have so many great shows over there. Freedom just came back. I want to say Paul F. Tompkins and Lauren Lapkus and I were back on Thursdays. You can get that podcast wherever you get podcasts, but ad free at CBB World.

And we also have great CBB Presents over there. We just put out the Time Keepers Leap Day special, which I'm sure you've heard, and Alimony Tony's Valimony Shoney. So many great things. You guys, the Calvin Striplets should do a CBB Presents over there. Do your own show. Yes, from the void. We should be doing that. Off mic from the void.

So many great things over there. I'll give a shout out to Hey Randy, which I think is absolutely hilarious. Hey Randy's a great show. And College Town. Who Me with the Batman, College Town, The Neighborhood Listen, so many things over there. And if you subscribe for a year, you get two of those months for free. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Dirty Blutz. Dirty Blutz. What is it? Dirty Blutz. Open up your Dirty Blutz. What is it? Solo. Oh!

All right. That was Dirty Pop Shoe Bop by Randy Smith. Randy Smith, thank you so much. Guys, I want to thank you so much. Jason, so great to see you. Great to see you, Scott. Great travels to you. Thank you. Many hamburgers to you, of course. Oh, many hamburgers to you. And happy wet day recently. No, it's coming up. Coming up. You won't be here for wet day, I believe. I won't be here for wet day.

Many hamburgers to you guys as well, the Calvin Striplets. Always wonderful to see you. Thank you very much. I know you've been tied up in court for two years, but don't make it two years before the next time we see you. Much respect to you both. Oh, my. Oh, God. Now he's licking all of our feet simultaneously. He's licked through my shoes to the foot. Oh.

His tongue is so coarse. Yeah, it's like a horse's tongue. It is a horse's tongue. You replaced your horse's tongue? Of course, of course. It came with the horse Adam's app. The larynx app. His tongue is coarse, of course. Of course. His tongue is a horse, of course. Unless he got a mad divorce because the divorce would undo the course when he did the surgery.

Into the balloon! All right, see you next time. Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!

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