Jake Johnson, Paul F. Tompkins, Lily Sullivan
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Oh, Riley Otto parts, better parts, better pizza. Papa John's. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you. Thank you to Stink McGrabble for that catchphrase submission. I don't think that's going to keep just because it mentions two different businesses other than Comedy Bang Bang. But thanks for the suggestion.

Stink McGrabble, thank you so much. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition 2024. That's right, January. We're so deep. I believe it's the Ides of January currently. And we have a great show coming up a little later. We have a

We're the only one

I don't believe he's ever been on the show before. He's joining the incredible one-timers club here on Comedy Bang Bang. He was on the television show, wonderful episode of the television show. That's right. Where he was upside down the entire episode. That's right. You know him from such shows as The New Girl and everything else that he's done. And he has a wonderful...

a new movie out on Hulu now called self-reliance, which he, uh, wrote, directed stars, produces stars in produces rather, uh, please welcome to the show. Jake Johnson. Hello. Hello. I was going to say, I felt like I had done it. And then you reminded me it was the TV one. I don't, I feel like the upside down. Let me, let me check because I don't, I don't know. I, you know, anything past maybe four years or so ago. I have no idea, but, uh,

- But I think you're right, it was the TV. I had forgotten that. - By the way, you need to get real close on these mics. - How's that? - Oh, perfect. I love it. Yeah, I'm not seeing anything other than the television show. - And that bit was, it was Adam Scott too, I think. - Was he in it? I don't remember. - I remember we were, it was, my hair was up. - Yes. The premise of that episode was Slow Joey played by Haley Joel Osment.

uh, who was our, who played our dumb intern. He, uh, we were, we were getting a new set and he sent the blueprints off, uh, for it to be built, but he, uh, had turned them upside down. Right. And so the set was upside down. So we had to film upside down and turn the cameras upside down. So we did a whole episode where our hair was, was, uh, uh, sprayed, uh, hair sprayed up over our heads. Um,

Yes. Anyway, you're such a great sport to do that. Yeah, it was very fun. I hope I made up that Adam Scott had his hair upside down, too. I don't know that I hear this. I don't think he would have been there. He was he was in so many episodes. So maybe he did a cameo in that one. I don't really know. But it's great to have you on the podcast. Thank you for having me. And did actors stop doing this during this? Oh, yeah. We had so many podcast hosts, so many authors.

Oh my God. We're saying no to a podcast. Can you imagine? Yeah. They're like, I can't, I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to go against the strength by not doing something that we're striking against. Exactly. You can still go to restaurants, grocery stores, do podcasts. I think, no, I remember that one email from Fran Drescher. She was like, don't go to restaurants. Don't leave your house. We'd,

Do you want to make sure we don't? I remember the Halloween one for sure. Yes. Everyone remembers the Halloween one. Halloween one was a great turning point. Was it settled by Halloween just so everyone could dress up? I believe it was. Well, I think that came out and then there was a backlash and then everybody stopped talking about it. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, it's wonderful to have the stars back. I love the fact that we're able to promote movies now instead of these stupid fucking books. Here, here. Because movies are where it's at, right? Have you ever written a book? No, no, no, no. No, why would you? No, why would I? Yeah. Pass on doing that. But it is nice. It has been a tricky one because this was supposed to release in September. Really? And then with the strike, they kept pushing it.

And so they would at first say, yeah, they would go, it's going to be maybe October, maybe November. And then they said, if it doesn't end, we have to release it without any press. Oh no. And I thought like, so truly nobody will watch. You know, you never know who watches streaming as is, but without press. Yeah. I was like, oh wow. We really might've made this movie for no one. Were you excited then to get to one of the first calls to do press was for comedy. Bang, bang the podcast. Yeah.

Yes. I would say all press has changed so dramatically that this is all press now. Yes. And if you're a star out there. What's the difference? Make Comedy Bang Bang your first stop. Why not? Would love to have you. Yes, thank you. You know, plenty of fucking people listen to this show. Hell yes. More than watch some dumb movie on Hulu, right? Hey, no. Okay, sorry. Okay, hold up. Killing the wrong bird, my man. Whoa, hold on.

Let's talk about the movie, Self Reliance. I've seen it, of course. That's right. I don't like to brag, but I watched it as you, the filmmaker, intended on a Hulu link with my email address prominently displayed the entire movie.

But it's a fascinating film. You wrote and directed and star in it and produced the movie. Tell me everything about it, even though I personally know. But tell our listeners. So the movie is about a guy who gets a unique opportunity to go on a dark web game where he's got 30 days to survive while people are trying to hunt him. And if he does it, he gets a million dollars. And the opportunity comes and he thinks he hears the pitch and he thinks there's a loophole in the game. And that is.

The hunters cannot kill him if he's with people. That's right, because out of safety for the rest of the world, they don't want to ever kill anyone because you bring up at a certain point, like, I don't want my mother to be shot. Or anybody. Like, if you're with somebody, I don't want to be playing some stupid game and put other people at risk.

So they say, as long as you're with people, you cannot be killed. So Tommy, my character believes, oh, I can lean in. He's going through a lonely period and he thinks I could lean into my relationship with my mother and my sisters and be home. And then we can divide up the money. But this is a very easy win. Now, it might be an awkward 30 days, but it's a million bucks. And the problem comes when he tells his family they don't believe he's actually playing.

Yes. So the, it sounds like such a crazy situation, uh, not to spoil anything, but, uh, our good friend, Andy Sandberg is in the movie, uh, playing himself. Yes. And, uh, he ties into it. It just sounds like such a, they don't, they believe he's making this up for attention.

Right. And he has such a bad life leading up to this. Yes. That it's not too far of a stretch for them to assume that you've gone off the deep end. And this is just a sad way of saying, I want you guys to have sleepovers with me for 30 days, as opposed to saying, I'm fighting a lonely period. I want to be with you. Right. They think that he's saying,

I'm in a bit of a rut. And now because of this dark web game with a guy, I'm a big fan of Andy Samberg. You need to be with me. Right. So they don't believe him. And then that starts the movie and the movie is basically about, can he survive it? And is the game real? That's right. It kind of reminded me of that wonderful David Fincher movie, the game now we're talking.

Yes. Well, a lot of people say about my stuff, it's me and Finch. That's right. You and the Finch man. So Finch and I, you know, he's a great guy. We went back and forth on this a lot. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Well, he loves the movie. Does he really? Wow. He loves everything I've ever done. He likes this podcast. Oh, no, no.

He's got to come on. Yeah. Finchie. He's busy. Oh, he's busy. I understand. They're on strike. Way too many takes. Yeah. Look, if he didn't do 150 takes of every scene, he could do this show. He's currently doing a take, but as soon as he's done on the next run of takes, he's in. I love it. I love to hear that. Yeah.

But it also had, you know, the most dangerous game, of course. And what were some of the other influences? Well, the influences for me were Japanese reality shows where there was a network that I'm not going to try to pronounce, but they were really pushing it in the early 2000s of what they could get away with on reality TV. One of them, the one that really struck me that I thought was incredible, was they took a comedian who won out of 100 people and was selected, but he did not know what he was doing.

He gets into an apartment where there's cameras everywhere. They take off all his clothes.

And then they leave him alone. And the only way he can eat or get clothes or do anything is he has to win contests that he gets from newspapers and radio shows. And it's a real thing. Wow. But they push it over there. So he needs to get food. He needs to get rice. Right. Then he wins rice, but he doesn't know how to cook it. So then he's got to win, you know. The instructions. Yeah. Or the cookware. The cookware. Yeah.

And he goes crazy. There's a great documentary, but in a real way, because he, you know, at first it's really funny. I'm on TV. I'm a comedian. This is good for my career. And then it goes to like, I'm fucking starving and this isn't a joke. And the crazier he gets, the funny it is for the audience. Right. And honestly, the funnier it was for me.

So you watched the entire thing. Yeah. You didn't just hear about the premise. No. So I had seen this years ago and I remember it was like, you know, back in the day when like Mr. Show was bootlegged around and you remember like there was like different clips of stuff that you could see. This was one of that, that a friend had got pieces of. Oh, wow. And the darker it got, the more I liked it. And then I forgot. I didn't think about the fact this is a human being suffering. I just thought like, yeah, dude, he can't cook and he's dying. Yeah.

And so that idea, and then I love reality shows and I love the reality shows, how it keeps pushing. I love shows like Alone, the MTV, The Challenge is a show I used to really love because they would give these guys so much alcohol and cocaine and their behavior would get insane. And when somebody would have like a steroid cocaine attack,

and attack people it made great television so one thing i was reading was that you wrote this when covid lockdowns were happening did that tie into it at all the loneliness part so it started before i wrote this during the new girl uh or new girl um oh wait what was your show called well everybody says that and now i don't know 100 but i think it's just new girl

I don't know. Should we look it up or should we just let it lie? All right, let's look it up. What do you say? I feel like it's the new girl. It is the new girl. I just don't know if they put the in the book. It's new girl. Okay, yes. It's new girl. So it is the new girl, but I think for the posters, taking away the looked better. I don't know.

I see. Yeah. It's all about those posters. Those posters launched our show. It did. Remember when shows got posters? Yes. Oh my God. Remember when shows launched? Oh, right. Remember when people watched them? Yeah. As a group? Remember back in the day when you would go driving around and suddenly one day there'd be, you'd look around, there'd be

everywhere you look, there'd be a poster for a particular movie and it would be about a month out. Yes. And they would be like, oh, the Ballad of Ricky, Bobby Talladega. We all knew it. And everyone would be like, okay, Countdown is on. Look, you know, honestly, I really miss the time that, you know, a show like New Girl, a lot of like the cool comedy people didn't like it. Some people liked it. A lot of the audience liked it. Who cares? I miss the time when we all had one thing to have opinions on. Yes. Now people will be like,

like the comedy world would be like, dude, this is amazing. And I'll go, I don't even know what the fuck you're talking about. I watch stuff and I've never heard of it. I'm like, we need one universal thing to like or not like as a group. I feel like it happens, but then it'll be over so quickly. I feel like I missed the week that everyone watched Tiger King. And I just, that's it. And then it's out. And then, and everyone just has already made every joke about it. And then,

To go back feels like you watched something from 20 years ago. Yeah, so I just passed. So you got to watch everything the week it comes out. And of course, we want to watch Self-Reliance this week. Now it's a good turn. That's a goddamn pro. That's why the stars are back. The stars are back. This is why you come here first. But so I wrote it. And I thought at the time, because Netflix and all those places were new.

And there was an era when they were new and we didn't know what they were going to be. So this was when the networks were still King and the streamer. And I thought I could do a network show. And in the summer, uh,

I could do a limited series the way that you would do an indie movie. Right. I felt like, well, I started as a series. So this was a three season show and I made the mistake. I had like a hundred page Bible and my pitch was a good hour and a half. And Jakey J gets manic when I get cooking. And that pitch was like, okay, so, okay. So then, okay. So,

season two episode four hold on okay i didn't mention this character yet so ricky ricky you remember ricky and i just was gunning and sweaty on the back afterwards and when i was finished it was my novel and they passed they were working on the show maniac at the time and they said like it's too similar and that one's too far along and we're too excited about it maniac is the the jonah hill and the stone right right

And again, I missed that one. Me too. Yeah. But they thought that was going to be a big moment. And so then it wrong. They were. Yeah. Neither of us watched it. Yeah, exactly. And so I let it die. I didn't want to pitch it anymore. And then when the pandemic happens, you're a quitter. Yeah. Good to know who the fuck isn't a bunch of fake people who pretend they're not. Yeah.

good point yeah and so during the pandemic i had had a pilot at apple and i got a call saying there's a good chance the business will never be what it used to be pre-vaccines they said it might be no crew it might be you know you're doing singles on your own sending it in and they said but don't worry the business is coming back there'll still be work and i thought like

fucking pass i don't want to do that so i decided i like to i like to work every day no matter what uh for sanity reasons even on weekends really i like to put something in every day really even on sunday the lord's day yeah really that's an affront to the lord yeah

Well, yeah, I'm okay with it. You're okay with this? Yeah. All right. I mean, as a half Jew, half Catholic, I don't know which Lord would be mad at me. That's true, yeah. I think I'm fine. Old Testament, New Testament. Who knows? Never been to a temple or a church. You think there'll be a half heaven for people like you? Yeah, it's called Earth. I'm in it, man.

So you decide at what point do you say like, okay, this has got to be a film. Well, I thought I'm not going to be able to sell a TV show like this again, but I could probably get a little bit of money. And if not, I've self-financed some small ones with my buddy Joe. And then during the pandemic, my friend Trent and I made one and I was like, we can make a movie for $250,000 that can recoup and make some money. So I thought no matter what, I'll make this movie. Mm-hmm.

And then Allie Bell got a draft of it and said, don't do this in your backyard. Let's make this for real. They came on board. She was the real animal behind it. Great. Yeah. I love Allie. Allie's a killer. And Akiva and Andy agreed to come on and play that part. Right. And now it's a real, it's a real movie with like sets and lights. And at one point I was like, I hear what they're saying. There must be microcosm.

I mean, we had a real budget. We had a movie. We shot it in 17 days. 17? Really? Okay. Anna Kendrick came on. Christopher Lloyd came on. We also have Mary Holland, who listeners of this show will know, definitely. I think she is, and I've told it to her face a lot, but I think she's a Phil Hartman type. You say that to her face? Yeah. I say it behind her back. Where?

We're saying it behind her back right now, my man. That's true. I'm never going to tell her to her face, though. She probably won't listen either. She's listening to every podcast. Everybody's doing it. Of course. She's a fan. Well, it's a really fascinating movie. It kept me guessing all the way up till the end. And, you know, it's got laughs. It's got action. And I mean, what?

What more do you want from a movie? You know, I really enjoyed it. I think it's a really fun 90 minutes, and I hope people check it out on Hulu for free. Yeah, for free. Well, I mean, you've got to pay for Hulu, I would imagine, unless you're passing by one of those old TV stores that has it playing. I miss those. You're aging us.

Your age, we know. I miss it when you can just walk by a TV store and then suddenly there's like a news item that pertains to your life. Especially when it was like over Christmas and there's snow outside because you're in the Midwest. I love these days. Well, it's out right now. I was instructed when stars are back, that means their publicists are also back. So I was instructed by your publicist to also bring up a couple of the things.

You have a podcast called We Are Here to Help. Yes. Now, what exactly is this? So it's a podcast I do with my buddy Gareth Reynolds from The Dollop. And it's a call-in show where people kind of call in and we, the three of us, Gareth, myself, and then we have our friends, different guests coming on to help try to get involved in their life and figure out what the question is and try to help. And-

We've done a bunch of them at this point and we've kind of had a lot of fun. And the, the zone that we've kind of found works best for us is the smaller, the problem, the more insignificant, but important to them, the more wheelhouse for our show. So I asked people to check it out. Okay. Yeah. And, uh, you know, I, I had assumed when the sack strike was over that stars would give up on all their podcasts, but no, you're still doing yours. I started mine. Yeah.

Yeah. Remember when I said I always like to work on something? That's true. Yeah. I'm not writing a spec script during a strike. Uh, you're also, uh, uh, I would hate to neglect to mention you also play the part of Peter B. Parker. Yes. In the Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse movies. Uh,

And I don't know if you had the, I mean, obviously you didn't because you're in it, but the experience that I had that a lot of the audience had, and I've brought this up to Brian Michael Bendis, of course, creator of Miles Morales, that I believe he should be tried at the Hague for what happened in that movie where it just stopped in the middle and then was like, oh, by the way, yeah, just come to our other one. Yeah.

What do you think about that? I didn't have the same reaction as you. Really? No, I thought... Do you get paid for two movies, or are they trying to give you this one of these, like, eh, we're just going to turn it into two, but you already recorded everything. You get paid for two. You got paid for two! Yeah, they're two movies. They are two movies, although it really should be one four-hour or five-hour movie, shouldn't it? Well, then we're entering a really insane world. Well, I mean, I went to see Killers of the Fucking Flower Moon.

They could have split that. Scorsese, you don't like the Marvel Universe? Split that one up. I don't want to spend five fucking hours in the middle of the day. You were genuinely annoyed when that one ended that it didn't fit and wrap it up? Yeah. You were? I was ready to start shit. I was ready for a January 6th movie edition. That's so funny. No, so...

My experience is different because I record in the booth, but I don't get full scripts. Really? What do they give you? Do they even give you the other side of the conversation or do you have to guess? Well, you, I mean, you record with a lot of other actors, so we might, we'll do the entire scenes, but I don't know what the whole movie is.

And so I did experience that essentially the way you did in the first one. I didn't see anything until the movie was done. Really? So the animation, I had no idea how were you surprised by how well it came together? I thought this was going to be a shit. Well, I'd also done a bit in Smurfs.

Just for contrast. Well, when I saw that one, I thought, like, looks like Smurfs. Right. It talks like Smurfs? I think they're Smurfs. I gotta say. I think it's the movie, guys. So this could have been very similar. This could have been a Spider-Man movie where you introduce Miles Morales and the animation, what they did. I was like, oh, I hadn't wrapped my head around what you're doing. And for the second one, what they do in it.

The animation in the second one is crazy how sophisticated it is. And so I'm like, yeah, I mean, the story set, I couldn't sit there for five hours. Really? You're in it and you couldn't sit there for five hours. I'll see the next one. I'm excited to. So then every movie, unless it's 90 minutes, like, of course, self-reliance on Hulu currently. Anything over 90, split it into two movies. No.

No. But if your visuals are as stunning as Spider-Verse and you're over two hours, I'm okay to wait a little bit for the next one. You're okay. Now, if I stop self-reliance after 45 minutes and do self-reliance too and pay myself twice, I'm a king.

That's a deal, Fran Drescher. I want to win for us. Fran, are you listening? Of course you're listening. Take every sitcom, divide it in two. 13-minute episodes. That's right. Although I was reading that... I believe there's an article out there that takes the Irishman and tells you when you should...

what it feels like to watch the Irishman as a limited series. Like stop it here. Is that true? Yes. Cause who has fucking four hours to watch the Irishman one day? You know, what a funny way of doing it though. And then you stop, take the night. Yeah. Think about it. I've thought about this. Great. There's nothing worse than cause I have the movie show that I do. And,

just you assume a movie is going to be under two. Agreed. And I like 90, 90 is good. And then you start it and then you see that runtime of like two hours, 45 minutes.

sometimes over three oh my god i can't do three i'm a big scorsese guy i haven't seen the movie i don't know when i am unless there's an article that tells me when i could stop and i'm not being an asshole i don't want to be disrespectful no but if you say like hey here's a natural stop natural progression four days when all of a sudden the whole family's asleep and i go i'm not tired i got an hour and a

Exactly. I think, well, I, I think you can do that for killers of the flower movie. It spans so many years that it's like once like an era. Yes, exactly. Slowly fade your TV. Movies used to have like, you know, Ben Hur would have an intermission in the middle, you know, it's like, that's anyway, but a Spider-Man across the spider verse. If you want to see the end of the story, you got to pay for two movies.

No, you have to pay for one. You've already seen the first half. Well, you don't have to pay. You haven't seen the first half. Okay, but. I was told you want to promote this first one. Yes. Why? If it's been out for, I guess it's in the, they tell me it's in the window, the home video window. Oh, that's for real. I'm supposed to promote this. Yes. Well, I mean, I'm supposed to bring it up. Well, they promised me Spider-Man merch if I talk about it.

And I said, well, I probably have all the merch, but I'll sell it on eBay. I don't know what I would promote for that besides. It's out. It's out in home video now. But it's been on home video. I know, but I was told to talk about it. Take this up with your people. So the movie's called. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. Who's this?

I'm Maribel and I'm Jake's publicist. I do. Sorry, Maribel. I didn't see you in the corner there. How long have you been there? Oh, I've been here for quite a while. She's always here. Thanks for coming. Of course. You know, I'm always looking out for you. I know. Thank you.

the reason we're promoting it is to put it back in people's minds for when the second half comes out. I see. Okay, so you want to remind everyone that it exists. It exists. Did Sony tell you that, Maribel? Or are you just going off the jack here? Sony actually told me this was dumb. This is your call. Because you're my client. Okay, never mind. I'm sorry. Thank you. Yes. What was the conversation with Sony? I said, I called...

I called up Sony and I said... You called Sony? Yes. Yeah, she represents me. I call the studios all the time. I call the studios all the time. Also, by the way, thank you for calling Sony and representing me. I have a weekly call with them. You do? Yes. Who at Sony? Everybody. But specifically? Okay.

It's Tony. It's Rob. Tony Sony? Tony Sony. The whole Sony family. I heard my name. Tony, what are you doing here? Well, I thought I'd come by. I just want to make sure you know you were doing a good job. What an honor. Thank you for coming. Okay, well, you know what? I'm glad you're here, Tony. Yeah. Because let's settle this right now.

And you guys be the judge. Well, you can't. Scott, you have to be the judge. I'll be judge during an execution. Okay, because you're impartial. Well, don't be. I'm not impartial. You said executioner. I like that, yeah. It's my word. All right. So is it...

As Tony says, dumb to promote a movie that's been out for years. I don't know if it's been out for years. How long has it been out? It's been out for, what, three years? Almost a year. No, no, Tony. Your movie, I would say, I think it was the summer. Nine months or so. Thank you. Feels longer. Feels longer.

In show business terms, that's years. Yeah, that's true. By the way, it is. In actress terms, you don't work anymore. Exactly. Invisible. You're dead. You're done. You're dead. You're done. We agree on that. In six months, you're dead. In six months, you're dead. You're done. You're cooked. That's what I always say.

Tony seems to be different. Now you seem to be a publicist too, Tony. Maribel, can I say you have the deepest voice and Tony, you have the highest voice. And also, Tony feels like a manager in New York in the early 80s. You're done, honey. You got nothing, kiddo. Hey, get the hell out of here. You can't dance, you can't sing, you got nothing, big nose. Tony, how did you start in this business? Well,

- But you know, I worked my way up at the pizza place. - Wait, Sony started as a pizza place? - Sony was originally a pizzeria. - I started making the dough, making the pies.

It was so New York. It was the so New York pizza plate. So New York, Sony. Sony. Yes. I understand. So what's the deal with the New York pizza? Is it the water? It is the water. It is the water. We piss in the water. You piss in the water in New York? That's how we do it in these. What era was this when you were making these pizzas pre-Sony start? Beautiful 82.

I didn't. I thought Sony was like one of our oldest studios. It actually started as a pizza place in the eighties. Oh, wait, you're talking about the movie studio. Wait, are you not part? Oh, I don't call. I don't call the movie studio on a weekly basis. That's just called a pizza place. So New York every week. Yeah. Why? To talk to my friend, Tony, Sony.

And represent me. And I appreciate you both. You're welcome, of course. Is Maribel just mispronouncing your name? Is your name Tony So New York? Yeah. But we're friends. Okay.

Forget about it. There's your proof. Tony's New York. True New York. All right. I will forget about it. Don't forget to mention New Girl. Okay. So New Girl is on Hulu right now. Is it on Hulu right now? Hey, I'm sorry. It's the New Girl. Thank you, Tony. Tony, we have, oh my God. What? You're going to rip that old wound open again? Hey, don't get me going, okay? I don't want to hit a woman. Wait, so Tony hits you, Maribel?

Tony has fainted at me, F-E-I, several times, and I've done it to him. It's just fun. I just play. He's a playful guy. He's a playfully threatening guy. Yeah, you seem very fun.

Will you hang up? Oh, wait, no, you're here. Isn't that fun? I'm basically in the building. You want me to go away? All right, yeah, I'm going to go make some pies out on the asphalt. So, Tony, you have nothing to do with show business? No, no, I just work at a pizza. It's just pizza. Yeah, it's just pizza. So why did you come? Tony has written a script. You're going to fucking love it. Oh, you love it. My guma, she comes, she eats the pizza.

Okay, okay. He wants me to go. I'll get out of here. I want you to go. I'm going to settle this argument. It is dumb. I think it is dumb to talk about this spider first. Wow. Okay. Are you sure you want to continue doing this show? Yeah, I'm having a nice time.

Do you think I should or what do you want? No, no, I defer to you. Jake, that's what you want to do. No, no, no, no. You're the master. If it were me? You're the puppeteer. I'm the puppet. Now, I wish that were true, but it's not. Hey, tell me your top three clients that you told me when you sold to me about I should be giving you the $45,000 a month. Who do you got and who have you made big stars? That's almost an Apple TV Plus subscription. Who do we got? Who are the kids? Brad Garrett. Brad Garrett. Oh, man. I know someone, by the way, who loves Brad Garrett. Who? America. America, but...

A certain man named Fred Guinness. We talked to him last year about it. I don't care. Okay. Number two, Cyndi Lauper. Cyndi Lauper is number two. Lauper. What is going on with Cyndi these days? Everything you've seen. She's singing. She's doing commercials. Oh, okay. Sure. I haven't seen either of these.

And you haven't seen either. You've seen your commercial. I haven't seen singing or commercial. You've got to check out commercials. Oh, yeah. I know. I want to be John's Jimmy. Jimmy John's got the Jimmy John. Yeah. He does. Jimmy John. Yeah. Yeah. He just got cast in something. I believe I texted that to my friend. Yes. Brad was very mad about the strike. And were you with some of his comments?

That was a nightmare for me. He got hot. That was a nightmare for me. He had this deal upcoming to be put into the show. He didn't... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a lot of unwanted attention because my third big client, of course, is Kevin Spacey. And I am trying to bring him back. He gets a bad rap. He gets a bad rap. Oh, maybe we should use the word rap. Yeah. Anyway... Sorry. Because of his rap career? Yeah, let's say that. Okay.

So what were we talking about? I have to get out of here. To be honest, Mirabelle, I don't know. Goodbye. I think you need Kevin Spacey. Come on, darling. I'm going to go to my guma. Take care of my guma. All right. Take care of your guma.

I'm sorry about that, Jay. Although they're your people. No, I should say, I'm sorry about bringing my trash into your house. Hey, every man's trash is someone's trash. But I will say, she really is the best publicist in town. She is. She really is. She really set me back on my heels. Yeah, what she has done for Cindy, for Brad. Kevin? Well, Kevin. You hear about him, right? Well, Kevin's back. Any PR is good PR. Kevin, yeah.

I heard that she was the person who said, hey, you should do those videos every year around Christmas. Were you doing the accent? Okay, well, look, Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse, I don't think we need to say anything more about it, but it's out there. A sequel is coming, although we don't know when. Do you know when? I don't know when, no. You don't know when? You're not the first person they call? No. Maribel? Maribel?

New girl. New girl. New girl. Okay, new girl on Hulu. We're here to help. Are the episodes out? This is what I'm confused about. We've done a bunch of episodes. We've done about 30. We're over at HeadGum. We're having a lot of fun. Okay, and then Self Reliance, people can watch it now. It's a really fascinating film. Very funny and very touching. And if you're watching every single Anna Kendrick movie, this one's got to go on the list. So you got to check it off. And Mary Holland, such a great cast. We need to take a break.

When we come back, we have a singer-songwriter. Have you ever sung a song or written one? No. Neither of those things. Not even a karaoke. No. You've never written a song for karaoke? I've never written for karaoke, no. That's a job I want to have, writing for karaoke. We also have a writer coming up. This is a packed show, Jake. Amazing. I'm so glad you're here. Yeah, me too. We're going to come right back. We'll have more from Jake Johnson. We'll have more Comedy Bang Bang. We'll be right back after this.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jake Johnson is here. The titular Spider-Man. Are you the titular Spider-Man or do you consider Miles Morales, or just any Spider, because you're one of the Spider-Men. Yeah. Do you consider Miles Morales to be the titular Spider-Man or can you say like, I play the title character in Spider-Man?

Spider-Man across. No, I don't think Peter B Parker is the title character, but I like, you are Spider-Man. I'm one of the Spider-Man. Technically you could say that. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. You're, you play Spider-Man. Is that straight? Okay. Who's played Spider-Man on film? You have Tobey Maguire. Yeah. Uh, you have, uh, uh,

Andrew Garfield. Yes. Which, by the way, our friend Neil Campbell once said that if you would have told him as a kid that he would read the headline saying, Garfield plays Spider-Man, he would have been so excited. So you're a big Spider-Man guy. Who is your favorite live-action Spider-Man? I enjoy the current movies probably the best. Tom Holland. Yes, I do. I think those are the best representation of the character. They have the feel of it, I think. Although I love that first one with Tobey Maguire. And who's the worst? Oh, so Andrew Garfield's the worst. Yeah.

Those movies are perhaps not my cup of tea. You're not, you're not in love with those. What about that lizard? Oh, Hey, uh,

This is Maribel, by the way. This is our next guest. No, this isn't Maribel. Scott, I hope you don't mind my jumping in. No, I'm sorry. I heard you talking about the Spider-Verse. I got very excited. Yeah, we do need to get to our next guest, Jake. That's okay. Yeah, he's the singer-songwriter I was telling you about. Well, that's ridiculous. I mean, I didn't want to introduce you and call you your actual job. Right. You don't have one. That's true. I'm independently wealthy. You're independently. So I don't know how to describe you other than a divorcee. Yeah.

Well, you know what? If the shoe fits. Yeah, it does. And it's fit so many times. Please welcome to the show, back to the show, Alimony Tony. Hello, Scott. Hello, Jake. Nice to meet you. Great to meet you too, Tony. My name is Tony Giacchieroni, better known as Alimony Tony. Big fan, Tony. Thank you. Oh, thank you very much. Of my song parodies? Yes. Really? That's so interesting because Fred Guinness was on the show recently and was saying that- The records guy.

He's also a song parodist. I don't know if you know this. Oh, you're talking about the Brad Garrett guy? He loves Brad Garrett and he happens to be a song parodist, not a song Garrett. But he also runs the Guinness Book of World Records. And that's his main gig. But he was telling me he was throwing shade at you. He was saying that your videos only have one view and that's your own view. That is true. And you won't even watch a second time to get a second view. That is because I can't

I can't stand that. Your voice? No, the embarrassment of adding another view and it's me again. Right. Do you know what I mean? But no one knows this. I know it. Okay. It's a private little hell, but it's mine. So Jake, how would you even know about Alimony Tony's song parodies? Word on the streets. Oh, word on the streets. I listened to a bootleg of it.

Similar to the Japanese shows. I just remember being in a van. I was younger, very stoned. And someone said, this guy's the best. I think it was a cassette. Oh, wow. My street team is working. Yeah. It was great. But so I wouldn't have registered on any clicks or anything. This was pre-internet, I feel. Yes, that's how I started. And I've decided to bring that back. And I've got a team of kids going out there. And they're distributing cassettes. And they are, of course, spray-penning stencils on the sidewalk. Weird-a-mo-de-y-a-la-mo-de-y-a-la.

Okay, wow. So the word's getting out. The word is getting out. I think the word's spreading, don't you? I mean, I know who you are. You've been on the show several times, but I don't know that I've seen evidence of yourself. My first appearance, of course, was... Very funny. That's right. But primarily what you're known for, for those of you who are new listeners to Comedy Bang Bang, you've been on the show many times. Many times. Primarily you're known for being a person who has gotten married and divorced. Hmm.

Multiple times. Yes. How many times are we up to now? Well, since the last time we've seen each other, Scott, it's probably the early 60s. You're in your, wow, your early 60s. Yeah. Try to get that up to 69. What do you say about that? Well, I hope that doesn't happen. I mean, you know, the thing is- You always, yes. Of course, I always marry for love. I always think it's going to work out. I always give it my all.

But it just doesn't work out sometimes. It doesn't. But the one thing about you is the one silver lining on this cloud is you love paying alimony. I love paying alimony. Oh, it gives me such a rush. Now, again, I do not get married just so I can get divorced to pay alimony.

I marry for love, but I do love paying alimony. Oh, I love writing those checks. Wow. So now you're paying, I don't know that you're paying over 60 people alimony because of course some get remarried, some pass away. I still send them the alimony though. To their gravesite. No,

in lieu of flowers please send to the survivors to the survivors oh yeah to the survivors really you're not legally obligated to do this no i'm not but i just well i'd love paying alimony but also i i of course i i've remained on friendly terms with every single ex-wife that i've had that's right they love him that's nice yeah it is some refuse the alimony they don't want it they say tony it just didn't work out no hard feelings nobody's at fault here

but I still sent them the check. And sometimes I sent it back. Sometimes I sent it back ripped up. Wow. Sometimes I sent it back with like a funny little message on it. Like, nice try. Things like that. Any kids? Yeah. Do you have kids? I don't know. No, no kids. No kids. I am, as they say, barren. Oh, you. Yes. Oh.

I'm so sorry. I don't know if that's come up before. I don't think it has. I have what is called no motility. Oh, really? So everything's dead in there? It's just dead. So they're all in there. They're all in there floating around. Belly up. Can you expel them?

Well, I mean, yes. Okay. I mean, there is a way to do that. Okay. I don't know how far you got in school. I just want to make sure that these aren't like sperms that are multiple decades old. I'm kind of with you, Scott. It seems like they might just be living in there. No, I've had sex. Okay. Okay. Good. Good. With all the women? With all the women. Except for one. What happened? There was one who was asexual. I married an asexual lady. Oh, and did you know that going in? I did know that going in. And I said, well, make it work. Well, we did make it work. Hmm.

because then she started wanting sex, but not for me. How long did that one last? That one lasted five weeks. I think we'd still be together today, but she got struck by lightning and completely changed her personality. Really? Did we talk about this in a previous episode? I don't think so. Oh, okay. I think you would remember, Scott, no? I'm remembering some sort of struck by lightning person, but I don't remember. Remembering some sort of struck by lightning person. It's been almost 15 years at this point. I...

How many years? It's fun to do that. Who's the, do you mind if I ask who the love of your life is? Are you currently married or are you current? I know you're currently divorced. I'm so sorry. Just was finalized yesterday. So I'm going to be probably, uh, you know, alone for a little while. So, so sorry. Who is this person?

Her name was Gretchen. Gretchen. And we met in an airport lounge. Oh, really? Yes. Okay. A private lounge or was it? Extremely private lounge. How private are we talking? It's not visible to people at the airport. Oh, okay. Yeah. You have to know where to look. Oh, all right. And how many people were in this if it was that private? There was three of us. Just three of you? Yes. Me, Gretchen, and Captain Sully Sullivan, the hero of Hudson. I've had him on this show. Oh, my God.

He saved so many souls that one day. So many souls. But, you know, most of the people, they don't talk about this because it kind of is a black eye on the story, but most of the people that he saved, they lost their feet to frostbite. What? Yes. Is it being in the Hudson River? Yes. Standing on the lake? It was an extraordinarily cold winter. They had to stand on that wing in the water, you know. No. And they lost their feet to frostbite. I'd rather die. Same. Yeah.

Yeah. 100%. I cursed that pilot. You took away my feet, Jack. You took away my feet. That didn't come up in the movie, in the Tom Hanks movie. Or it was cut out. Oh, that's true. They made an allusion to it in the movie, Fight with Denzel Washington. Or it's going to be in part two. That's right. That you're going to be very mad about. Well, I remember when Sully ended, I was like, what?

Same. Now? The last time I had that feeling was when I went to see The Hobbit and did not realize that was a trilogy. And when that movie ended, I was surprised and angry. What is the deal? Sully and Oppenheimer, they're both like, hey, here's the interesting part of their life. Here's another hour about a random thing that happened in their life.

what's going on here? I feel the same way about Castaway. Do you really? Cut out the beginning of the end. Yeah, I mean, I'm interested in the dude and his volleyball, his relationship with... That's what people care about, the dude and the volleyball. Yeah, exactly. I don't need to see him going back to Helen Hunt and then getting closure and then like standing in the middle of the road. They serve him a seafood buffet. Spoilers for the last scene of Castaway. Would those people be that dumb, do you think?

This guy's been stranded on an island for multiple years. We'll have a big crab feast for him. I don't think they'd be that stupid. Maybe like it would be in real life. It would be all McDonald's. That's what it would be. It would be like every fast food place you could think of. Like Donald Trump should have catered it. It would have been very branded content. Yeah, absolutely. Donald Trump, by the way, should just get into catering. He really should. He's good at it. He really should.

I don't know. I don't understand this guy. Anyway, so what? Gretchen. Gretchen, I'm so sorry. So you got together at the airport lounge. Yes, on Christmas Eve. On Christmas Eve. How romantic. So this is just recent. It felt like a romantic comedy. Was anything funny happening?

Oh, I guess not. But it felt like a romance. It felt like the romance part of the romantic comedy, which is not funny. No, no. But the best part of a rom-com, I would say. What is the most laugh out loud romantic comedy, would you say? Where you're just busting a gut. Busting a gut.

I don't know, Jake, you've been in your share of rom-coms, haven't you? You've been in a rom-com with Cher? A bunch of them. This is exciting! We've been in a trilogy. We're filming the third one right now. Really? Yeah, it's been really fun. Is she a good kisser? Yeah, she's wonderful. A rom-com trilogy? Yeah, she's a great actor. She's been a lot of fun. Absolutely. She's got a wonderful voice. I don't know if you know that, but she's a singer-songwriter. She's a singer as well? Yeah, she dances, and her fashion is

through the world. Really beautiful stuff. It's going to be on Hulu too. God, I wish you could meet Cher because... I'd love to meet her. Guys, guys.

in my car. She's in your car? That sounds wrong. It does. Are the windows down? No, I've got a Tesla. Hot enough to fry a egg on the sidewalk? Hot enough to fry Cher's brain? She is here, though. Do you want me to text her if she can come in? I don't care. I can ask her. You don't tell Cher nothing. You don't tell Cher things. You ask her. I would say this. If you're going to come in for the marriage, go slow. She's been hurt. Sure.

Greg Allman. She believes in love. Of course. She believes in love, but you got to go slow. That's right. Yeah. She could turn back time. Yeah. Remember her on the boat with the big- She famously said, if I could turn back time, not I can't turn back time. I believe I said if, but yes. You didn't. I do know I believe I did. You said she could turn back time. No, guys, guys, guys, the original version is I can turn back time.

Oh, wow. I know that guy talked to Cher about it. You would know. Is her bragging about her powers? No, that was her version, and it was an executive thing. We all hate executives. They said, if you say, ah, you're going to alienate the audience. Don't say that. Don't say that. Who is that? That's Maribel. This is Alimony Tony. Hello. Hello, dear. How are you? Are you single? Why is she staring at me?

Why isn't she talking to you? I don't know. She's just staring at me. Did I say something wrong? Let me get her out of here. I'm so sorry. Tony! Hey, guys. Wait. Tony, you know Tony? I know Tony. Tony, of course. Tony, Tony, Tony. How you doing? We have the same kuma. Oh, Tony. Cher is a yes. Cher's coming in? She's coming in. She's excited. She's a big fan. I'm going to meet

Tony, I think you better leave. Not you, Tony. Me, I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to go to my mom. Yeah, it's getting too crowded. I'm going to be Chesky's kid. So I do need to just say this about Cher really quickly to you as the guy running the interview. No questions about her past. Nothing about the wardrobe. Everything has to be very positive. So nothing about the past. What about the present? Can we talk about the present? I wouldn't talk too much about the present. Future?

potentially a little bit about the future she likes things if possible sing songy sing songy okay we'll do i know but i don't want i don't want to share oh my word hello share nice to have you here i love when people sing does he have to continue or can he talk regular because he's showing such respect oh you can talk regular oh thank you oh share thank you so much it's such a pleasure to

It's so hot in the car. I'm sorry. Oh, I thought I turned the dog thing on. No, it's too hot. You're so sweaty. I'm so sweaty and wet. And you look beautiful. Cher, may I say hello? My name is Tony Giacchierone. I'm a huge fan of yours. Oh, hello. It's just a thrill to meet you. That's nice. And are you... I hope this is too forward a question. Are you currently single, Cher? I am, yes. Yes.

well on tv well she's well a movie uh we're shooting a rom-com and there's a lot of rumors about onset yeah there's a lot of like what's happening on set is going home with them there's a lot of turmoil and is it true or we can't we can't comment on that but it's true this is like whoa this is like well we can't comment we can't comment on it but it's definitely happening

This is like the Sidney Sweeney, Glenn Powell movie. Exactly. Well, that's our competition because we're coming out this weekend too. Oh, you are? Yeah, we're out. They've just dwarfed us a little bit. And you're also going to mimic that trailer. We're doing the same bit. Yeah, we are. Absolutely. I think everyone should. Well, we did. It just didn't catch on. We haven't. It just has like nine views. Oh, I see. But we do the bit. That's eight more than you have. Get ready for number 10.

Scott. Sorry. It's not like you. I'm just stating facts. We're friends. No, we are friends. We like each other. We like each other. Yes, we don't have a combative relationship. No, we don't. I mean, it's okay for you to josh me. I shouldn't do so. Of course. Thin-skinned. Let's go back to Cher here. Cher. No, I'm going to go sit in the car more. No, no, no. No, let me sit in the car. Have you sat in the car some more? Before you...

- Before you go, and I know we do this on set and I know you love it. - I love it so much. - Will you give him a taste of your beautiful singing? 'Cause when she does this on set, she's being shy. But I know this woman. - I'm so shy. - When she gets pimped into a song, she acts like she doesn't love it, but then her voice is beautiful. - Don't make me sing. - Come on, Cher. - Oh, I hate it. - Come on, Cher. - Pretty please, Cher.

- What song are you gonna sing? - Oh, one of my classics. - "If I Could Turn Back Time"? ♪ If I could turn back time ♪ - Oh, that's the Cher voice I know so well. - Tony, do you sing? - I mean, I sing after a fashion. - Yeah, do one of your song parodies to "If I Could Turn Back Time." - Oh, oh, oh, okay. So song parody of Cher's "If I Could Turn Back Time." Let's see, so it's about turning back time. That's impossible to do. What is something funny about impossibility?

i'm going to say uh the impossible burger

You're in my process. This is incredible. Sisyphus. Sisyphus. Pushing the rock up the hill, but then it comes back down. I thought it possibly does it, but then he has to do it again. Okay, what else is impossible? Now a possible burger's in my brain. I can't get it out of there. I hate, I'm sorry that I put that in there. I'm going to have to go with it. But there's got to be something in there. A possible burger. Okay, okay. There's a possible burger. Okay. If I could turn it back down. Okay. Okay.

I'm kind of nervous doing French here. If, maybe don't start with the same word. Maybe something rhymes with if. Like Tiff. Scott, you're really getting in my brain. Tiff, the Toronto International Film Festival. Maybe it's a song about Tiff, you eating an impossible burger at Tiff and it costs a dime.

Tiff, I could stand in line. He's doing it. Tiff, I could get some food. I would get a false burger to watch the movie through. Oh, no.

Cher, I'm so sorry. Cher, baby, you're doing great. I've never done a song parody of someone's song while the person was here. This is impossible. It's all good. I thought it was fantastic. Thank you, Cher. You liked that, Cher. Oh, I loved it. I loved every second. I love when men sing to me. Can I ask you a question? Do you find Alimony Tony attractive at all? Cher. Oh, yeah. Cher. Cher. Tony, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.

I'm sorry, Sherry. Just take a break. It's all good. I'll go sit in the car. No, Jake, you can talk to Tony with me. Oh, okay. I thought you were going to have me go in a corner with Sherry. Don't go in a corner with Sherry. Come to the corner with me. No, no, no. Jake's coming with me. No, come here. Let's sit in the corner. Over here, Jake. I don't know what to do. Over here. Okay, I'm going to go with you. He's speaking. Sherry, you got anything? No, no, no. I got a...

What do I got? A mamba. I'll go with Scott. I'll go with Scott. Hey, Tony. Cher's an exotic snake. Tony, Jake and I want to talk to you. What's up? Locker room talk? Here we go. Doesn't feel like locker room talk. Trapped by the pussy. Cool. Wow. No. I think you have a shot with Cher. I do too. 100%. But aren't you having an affair with her? No. We're just doing it for PR. I think she likes you. I think she genuinely likes you. She likes me. Likes me. Yeah. Here's the problem. Yeah.

I think no court in this United States of America. Cher is so wealthy. Agreed. I don't think any court in the United States is going to award her alimony should you ever break up. Especially for Tony. You don't understand. Alimony is not about the legal system. Alimony is about me taking care of someone. I know, but here's what's going to happen. This is what I worry is going to happen. Right. You're going to just dive headfirst into a relationship with Cher. Fall in love. Yes.

You're already there. You're going to break up. And then the court will award you alimony. And suddenly you'll be paid out. And Scott, it'll be so much. It'll cover all 60 other ones and more. Look, look, look, look. I appreciate the gesture, gentlemen. But don't forget, I have more money than you could possibly imagine. Well, Alimony Tony is the inventor of what? No, I didn't invent it. My mother, your mother. What was it? She invented gaseous paper.

It's paper that turns into gas once you write on it? Yes. It was for use in the space program. So they wouldn't have a bunch of paper floating around. Right, it was like directions of how to fly a rocket, right? And then once they launched it. I don't think I ever said that. That seems... Hey, can I get a moment, Scott? We don't need this anymore. I would hope there's more training than that. Once it's up in the air, it just gets dissolved.

Hey, Scott. You really tickled yourself. I know the Cher likes guys who made all their money from their mother's inventions. Really? Yeah. Like, I know women, especially older women, and that's a turn-on. Ooh, there's a pop for every lid. Yeah. I was hoping that Scott just heard that, Tony. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. That's why I said... I thought we were having a private... That's why I did the Hey Whisper, Hey Scott. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, we're still standing in a tight circle. I know, but I was hoping that he could relate to me. I couldn't help but hear it. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to eavesdrop. I promise. Okay, I understand. Hey, Alamone Tony, Jake is really...

bugging me with this whole like oh sorry oh wait no you're right here you said hey tony i didn't listen what'd you say oh okay you see this is a polite guy yeah i didn't hear a thing you said but i got a few things i want to pitch you about tony all right tony you i will i guess jake and i will give you our blessing if that's important to you yeah thank you that is what you asked i didn't want to ask i will say that's how this whole thing started all right share let me ask let me ask officially yes god

You're Tony. No, you're Tony. This is Jake. No, I'm talking to Tony. Tony. Tony, get over here. What are you talking about? You guys want some pizza? And Jake. Yes. It would mean the world to me if you would give me your blessing in asking Cher for her hand in marriage. Well, let's see. Should we give him our blessing? I'll tell you what. Does this answer your question? We will. We will.

Does it? I've heard all I need to hear. All right, thanks, guys. All right, here I go. Cher, Cher. I'm going to shoot my shot. Baby, I got you. I got you the best. I got you the best. What song is that? Oh, it's just a little thing I thought of a couple of years ago. A couple of years ago? Interesting. Cher. This is very sudden, but this is...

I'm gonna stop you right there. Oh boy. Uh oh. I want to marry you. Sure. I've had multiple marriages and orgasms in the last couple minutes there. I was just orgasming over and over in the corner. Okay. We need to get clean up in the corner apparently. The corner's a mess. Okay. Ew.

What about his car? Is his car? No, I don't think she was orgasming in there. I don't know. Oh, no. The car's a mess, too. So it has nothing to do with Tony. You're just orgasming like crazy. Hey, what can I say? I'm an artist, okay? Yeah, sure. I come and I go. Yeah.

Okay. I want to marry you. Cher. And then I want to divorce you. I want to, oh. And I want to pay you alimony. Oh, no. Oh, no. That's right. I knew this would happen. That's exactly what I want. I knew this would happen. Cher, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I cannot accept your offer for my hand in marriage if you're going to pay me alimony. You're making a mistake. Oh.

What? Who's making a mistake? Share? Tony. Tony. Yes. For sure. You can't just say you're making a mistake and not be specific. He passes on. Could have been me. He's passing on fucking share. Are you a dope? Share money. This is share. She's coming like crazy, you dope. You say yes to this. Oh, I'm coming again.

The corner's a mess. Jake, believe me. You ran back to the corner and came really quickly and came back to the mic. I understand exactly what I'm doing. You do? Yes, I do. And I could not, I've never felt my heart this heavy, Cher. I'm sorry, but I simply cannot compromise this one aspect of my character. I cannot accept alimony from anyone. I am the one who pays alimony. Wow.

well i respect that i guess i'll just have to go with plan b then what's plan b tony sony oh my god tony sony hey yeah you can be my good mom my main good mom no i think i think she wants to marry you not be a good mom okay mama me a pizzeria i'm in okay is that a curse you're mentioning a different pizzeria

It's like taking the Lord's name in vain? It's one of my expressions. Mama Mia Pizzeria. Oh, I see. Okay. It's not a specific pizzeria. Sometimes he says, Mama Mia Papa Pia. Oh, okay. Baby Go Diarrhea, of course. Oh, what's that? That's the last part of that. Baby Go Diarrhea? Yes. You've never heard that? I never have. That's like saying Jingle Bells, Batman Smells and not hearing Robin Lay the Egg. What does that have to do with Christmas? You're a song parodist. This is news to me.

Baby, go diarrhea in your pizza pie. Okay, all right. Tony, Tony. Tony's so New York. Cher, are you sure you want to marry Tony? Oh, I love him. Come with me to Jake's car. Okay, I come with you. She's sounding more like Borat. Let me put my head in your cow's hole.

Okay. Oh, God. Hey, Jake, your car is going to be a mess here. It's okay. I mean, I'm really excited. Yeah. This is good PR for the movie. I mean, it's great for the trilogy. Yeah. But Alimony Tony. Oh, there goes Sharon. There they go. Tony Sony never to return. Wow. Wow.

But how would you know they're never going to return? I'm just assuming. Why would they have any reason to come back? Because that seemed appointed. But alimony, Tony, you're still here, and I'm so sorry. Yeah. You know what, Scott? I'm still here. I'm still here.

Yeah. And that's kind of how it is with love. You know, you go up, you go down, but eventually you're still here. What a fuck up. Yeah. Oh, that's not. I honestly did. I honestly, I'm trying to be nice. I'm not even as a tight circle anymore. That's not clear. The real me snuck up. That is a fuck up, my guy. That is a big slip up. Well.

I understand why you see it that way. But I respect it personally because Tony, I mean, you've stayed consistent to who you are. And that's maybe the most important thing. You're going to die without share money in your pocket. But I will die with my mother's money in my pocket. That's right. Yeah. Who are you giving your money? You've never had children. Who are you going to give your money to? Me? I'm going to give it to Jay Leno. Okay.

He hasn't touched that Tonight Show money. You must feel so sorry. I'm worried for him. Yeah, I understand. You just wanted to go in that fun. Yeah. You like his portfolio growing. I just, when I hear him say he never touches his Tonight Show money, it fills me with anxiety. With pity. Yes. What's he going to do? Yeah. Wow. Okay. That's a wild move from Leno.

Very strange that he does it and then he keeps talking about it. At this point, I feel he must have dipped at least his toe into that. Probably. He does so much stand-up, he might not need to. Like when the PS5 came out? I bet he dipped. Just to try to get one of those. On eBay? Well, look, Tony, we have to take a break. Can you stick around? Of course I can. I've cleared the day for you, Scott. Oh, thank you so much.

much you don't need to do that much uh just maybe another half hour or so but uh we have a writer coming up and jake you can stick around of course uh we have a writer coming up this is very exciting we'll have more alimony tony we'll have more jake johnson we'll have more comedy bang bang after this

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find someone to hook it up for you unless you know how to put RCA cables together. Geek Squad. Geek Squad would be a very important part of this. Or you can do it on your phone. You could do it on your phone. Really? You'd prefer people watch this on your phone? Honest to God, I don't care how people watch stuff anymore. But won't they miss the subtle nuances?

I think everyone will be fine. We're in a views game here, baby. Watch it on the phone. Do you think the Geek Squad is upset that they're called the Geek Squad? Can you imagine just getting hired for that gig and being like, hey, we need an expert to help people set up their TVs. And then suddenly they're like, hey, guess what? The Geek Squad is here. The dork patrol is on their way. I think they were fine until Apple created Genius Bar. Right, exactly. I think before, it's where geeks, but then...

they're geniuses? Those are fucking geeks too, man. I don't mind being the geek squad if they're also the geek squad. Yes, but they're the genius bar and we're the geek squad. I like when you make an appointment at the genius bar and no one knows that you're there and you don't know what's going on. Same.

And people, they absolutely are not looking at you on purpose. I had a genius fix my phone the other day, and there was something going on with the charger, and the genius pulled out the charger. The Jar Jar Binks? What's that? The Jar Jar Binks? It's a phone not working? Did I say, I said Jar Jar? You said something was wrong with the Jar Jar. Oh, I gotcha. Oh!

And they pulled out a tool and just took a little bit of dirt out of here. A little bit of dirt. And it fixed it. And I thought, just another genius doing genius moves. Just genius shit all day. Well done, my genius. Cleaning up a little dirt. Just like a genius would do. We also have Alimony Tony is here. Hi. You seem to have bounced back from the share business. Yeah. You know, life goes on and there's plenty of fish in the sea.

Yeah, there is. I mean, as far as I know, the world is half women, maybe even 51%. I think it's 51%, yeah. Pretty soon it'll be all women. Isn't that weird? Yeah, isn't that strange? They say by 2029. It's just all men will be extinct. Who says that? Where do you get those facts?

Where did I hear that? It's like a Bill Gates thing. It's interesting. It's like a Bill Gates thing, yeah. Yeah. I think it has something to do with the vaccines. Oh, I got you. Guys, die off. Trying to eliminate all the 5G. We have to get to our next guest. We simply have to. This is very exciting. She's been on the show many times before. And Jake, I would imagine maybe you're a fan of her work. I am. She is a writer. She is a world-famous diarist. Please welcome back to the show, Bridget Jones. Wow. Bless.

It's fucking awesome to be here. It's mental. Bridget, so good to see you again. So good to see you. Looking like a chunky, dunky candy bar. Thank you so much. You look like a chunky, dunky candy bar. I don't know whether that's a compliment or whether that's a slam. Yeah, it's a compliment. In England, it is. Yeah, you make my day better.

It's a happy thing. It's a compliment. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's so great to have you here. Bridget, catch us up for new listeners. We first got to know you. You're, of course, the person that the movie Bridget Jones's Diary and its sequels is based upon. Yeah, yeah. So Bridget Jones's Diary.

We all know it. We've all seen it. Renee Zellweger. She did a really good job now. So good. She didn't quite nail the accent. There was never a documentary that kind of blew up with how charming the real Richard was. I'm waiting. I'm sitting here waiting for it. And then America falls in love with this one. Yeah, literally nobody said...

Nobody's heard a word. Nobody's contacted me. But they took your diaries and then they spun it into Hollywood bullshit. Yeah, Hollywood garbage. They took the real story. They made absolute shit.

Did you not give approval? Did they steal it? I gave them approval. I got manolo money. You didn't read the fine print. You got manolo money? Very manolo money. I mean, that's a lot. Not compared to Diamond and the other guys. Compared to some Joe off the street. But you talk about the players. Manolo's not making nothing. But you didn't read the fine print. You didn't even read the regular size prints. I didn't read none of the prints. Find out later. Oh, the movie became a big hit.

with Zobie Gisle and Colin Fart and that freaking Oompa Loompa that's all angry. Oh, the Hugh Grant. Yeah, Hug Gronk, whatever his name is. The world famous lover of blowjobs. Yeah, he loves blowjobs. He's on record as really enjoying blowjobs. Went to jail for it. He's like, I love blowjobs so much, I'm going to go to jail for one. Brave man, but yeah. Steve, you're Jay Leno. Brave man.

Oh, that's right, because he was on Jay Leno. What the hell were you thinking? And everyone laughed, and then he was the king of late night. I thought you meant that Jay Leno loves blowjobs. Maybe he does through those denim jeans. By the way, it's not such a weird thing to say Hugh Grant loves blowjobs. We all love blowjobs. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like Jake?

Oh, you're iffy on them. Really? I don't like anything touching my genitals. Okay, anything. This is a problem with your relationships. No, I think that's an area that shouldn't be touched. Not even with a bunch of teeth? What's that? Not even with a bunch of teeth? I will say, the fact that it smears a bunch of teeth, you and me are alike, it seems like too much. Not even rows and rows of teeth? I'll tell you what, there are softer areas with no teeth. Seems difficult.

to get rid of the teeth. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, well, that's why a cute grandma did jail. He found somebody who could take care of her teeth. Yeah, exactly. That's part of the story that doesn't get brought up, but that person didn't have all the teeth. Thank you for saying that. You're welcome. The real story. You should be talking about the real one. So we've heard some of the entries into your diaries over the years and how vastly different they are than the actual stories.

movies that, of course, we're still big fans of the movies, but they take place in some sort of alternate Bridget Jones version. Yeah, it's all glossed up. So fancy. Exactly. Like, we're having high tea at the Drake Hotel in Chicago. Like, what the fuck?

Right. But that's not the diaries? I think so, yeah. So you've been writing these new diary entries in a bid to get a reboot going? Well, yeah. I'm just sharing my real diary so people know what's up with me, right? Because I want to share the real Bridget's story. And hopefully, yeah, maybe someone makes a docu-series on it.

Hulu. Maybe someone put some shit together for Netflix. I don't know. Jake's here talking about how he likes to self-fund his projects. I'm excited. Yeah. I've got some entries based on the month of January. Okay, yeah. We're about halfway through January now. So you've written some things. Yeah, I'll just show you some entries from you guys. I would love to hear some. Yeah, we always love your entries. Look at you. Look at your hard pocket.

Is that good? You do look like a hot dog. Do I really? In what respect? Well, you're rectangular, you're lumpy. You look fully stuffed. Hot as hell. Popping hot. Look, the diet starts after the holidays, okay? That's right. Good stuffed, you know what I mean? Like happy stuffed. Happy stuffed. Like a present. Sure, sure. We love presents. You're a gift. You are. What's wrong with looking like a present? Like a big, fat, lumpy present. Hot.

She's like that old princess looking like a snack. People say, you look like a present. You look like a gift. That's nice, yeah. It is nice. Well, yeah. So anyways, you know, January's a month of New Year's resolutions changing and all that. Sure. So let me read you some of this, okay? Are you ready? I think we've done enough preamble. I feel like we could launch into this with no further delay. And the pacing of this show would be incredible if we were to just suddenly launch into these. Okay, yeah.

So you're going to read from your diary. And this is different than the movie. Yes, different than the movie. Just so I know. And it could be a docu-series. On Hulu. Wait a second. Here's Cher. Oh, Cher's back. No, Cher, get out of here, Cher. I thought I said never to return. Get out of here. Oh, okay. I just had to come.

Yeah, what's up with her? She's a freaking freak. Sorry about that, Bridget. That was awesome. I'm glad that happened. Here we go. Dear Diary, it's me, Bridget Jones. Morning was a typical English morning. Woke up to the sounds of ducks fucking.

the gym for me New Year's resolution. Get me bobs and bits proper slamming. Just like Posh Spice when she was poor in her dad's Rolls Royce. And all of a sudden, the gym chap be telling me I need to get out. Something about me pissing on the elliptical and rubbing it around with a rag. It ate me. Clearly this man was in love with me and wanted to gump me goopy gherkin. But then again, who wouldn't love bridge?

Wow. What do you think? You blown away? It sounds like you had an eventful beginning of January. Yeah. I've been going to the gym, getting mad fat. Yeah, no, you look great. Thank you. But I guess I meant being kicked out for peeing on the elliptical part of it. I don't know.

I don't think that's ever happened to me. Pissing on the elliptical? No, and being kicked out for it. Both sides of that equation. Oh, both. You haven't had both. You haven't had both at the same time. Well, neither. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's too bad. I've been going to the gym getting mad fit. Maybe you could hit it up, piss on the elliptical or whatever. Which gym do you go to? Do you go to the one by Ed DeBevix? I do go to the one by Ed DeBevix.

I have a friend who works there. Yeah. Yeah. She's, I bet she's the one who kicked you out. She wipes off the machines. Yeah. She got in your way. Yeah. Oh, she got in your way. Yeah. She was like, get out of here. You need to leave. Oh yeah. What was her name again? Her name's Lily Sullivan. Oh, right, right, right. Vicky from the gym. Vicky. Oh yes. Vicky. Um, so that's great. Do you have any more entries? I do. Yeah. You want to hear more? I don't hear the round of applause.

I mean, I guess we could applaud. Dear Dara, it's me, Bridget Jones. This morning was a typical English morning. Woke up to the sounds of Oliver Twist choking. Popped and ordered myself something healthy because me New Year's resolution is to eat like a dying bird. Doggy dribblets smothered in cookie conk with a side of soggy snotty sauce. All of a sudden...

bar wench be telling me i need to get out something about me pissing on the pool table and rubbing it around with a rag then it ate me clearly this wench was in love with me and wanted to slug me sloppies while she manchesters me football but then again who wouldn't the bench can i ask bridget uh do do you ever record any uh diariatries at night

Yeah. Sometimes when I'm feeling really spooky, get the crystals out and start writing. Because it seems like you talk about the beginning of your day. Yeah. And then that's it. Yeah. Morning pages. Morning pages. Yeah. Right. Yeah. We've never heard an entry that takes place after lunch. Yeah.

That can't be, no. Although I guess we're at the bar. Oh, Bridget. You did order the snooty, snoggy sauce on the side? Oh, that's like kind of a lunchtime thing, yeah. Snotty, soggy sauce. Snotty, soggy sauce. That was on the side. You don't like that on the actual? Not on top, no. I'm not a cowboy. Okay. Do you have another? I mean, so much has been going on in January. I would assume you have another entry. Yeah, I have one that takes place in the afternoon.

Wow. Wow? Okay. Yeah, no. Hold on to your hampers. Hampers. That's an English expression. Hold on to your hampers. Dear Diarrhea, it's me, Bridget Jones. This morning was a typical... I mean, sorry. I misread that. It was a typical English afternoon.

Woke up to the sounds of Jamie Oliver making chicken nuggets. Got myself a new job. You're waking up in the afternoon? I slept in. Oh, okay. Sure. We all do it. Had a late night. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Why did you write about that? Why did you record that the time? Yeah.

You can infer I had a late night. That's why I'm waking up mad late. That sounds like that would be an interesting entry. It sounds intriguing. Yeah. Why did you have a late night? That's not important. I went out with some friends. What happened? I got drunk and I was dancing on tables. This is exactly the kind of stuff that's in the movies, Rich Jones' Diary. No, it's not. Have you seen

you seen it? Sure, it's all about her life and her mistakes she makes in her life. Embarrassing herself. I don't embarrass myself. I'm mad cool. Everyone's obsessed with me. Really? You didn't fall off one of the tables at the bar? No, I was fucking on the table, Coyote Ugly style. Coyote Ugly style? Yeah.

Dancing in the cowboy. Good dance. Sexy dancing is Coyote Ugly. Yeah, exactly. Have you ever been to a bar? I mean, maybe not a Coyote Ugly bar. Somebody asks for water, you spray water on their face. In a cool way. In a cool way. Everyone loves it, even the person getting squirted. They love it the most. They love it. I saw that whole movie. Multiple times. It was part of a double feature. I like when she wrote the song on the rooftop. So romantic. She was closer to the moonlight. Would you care about that?

Oh, yeah. What was it? Could you sing it? Can't fight the moonlight. That's all I remember. You can't fight it. Gonna get to you. Gonna get to you. Do you want to continue with this afternoon? Yeah, you love it. Yeah, you love it. Special afternoon. You can't wait to hear it. Go.

Got myself a new job in an office because of me new year's resolution to be a boss bitch just like Margaret Thatcher was before she died from being a snoozy sally waggy and a stupid asshole. When all of a sudden me boss be promoting me.

Something about me doing an excellent job with the files and the schedule. So I thanked the chap by making him a coffee and pissing on the computers and rubbing it around with a rag. Then it hit me. That doesn't feel like the movie at all to me. Yeah. Clearly me boss was in love with me and wanted to wiggle me Weasley twins and broom inside me Paul Hollywood. Then again, who wouldn't love veg?

I mean, I think that your boss might be in love with you. The fact that he's allowing you to come to work in the afternoon and then giving you a promotion immediately. Just woken up in the afternoon. I wonder what the producer saw in the first round of diaries. I don't know because they're so different. And you got Renee Zellweger at that era to say yes. Yeah. That must have been. I mean, this is some disgusting stuff.

You know, I think it's, I'm a big fan, but what was the last word? Yeah. Yeah. We're all obsessed with everything. But it sounds to me, Jake, like you're not interested in, in putting up the money for this. I didn't say that. I mean, I have to talk to my lawyer. Really? Who's your lawyer by the way?

He's here. Is it Johnny Cochran? Yeah. Oh, no. Honestly, though, you can't say. Not the famous one. Hello, Jake. Good to see you. Oh, Johnny. So, Johnny. Yeah, it's me, Johnny Cochran. Hey, Johnny. It is a different one. That's why I felt embarrassed by saying yes. Yeah. But he's the best. No ancient mind.

J-O-N-N-Y. Yeah, so Johnny, there's an idea for a project that I am excited about. Oh, great. You know business better than me. I do. That's my job. Entertainment lawyer to the stars. Yes. This is Bridget Jones from Bridget Jones's Diary. Charmed. So you're real. I am, man. This is exciting. It's like meeting Peter Pan or something. Ha ha.

I don't mean in terms of your age. I mean, the fact that you're a fictional character. Because you definitely age. Yeah, I hang out with little kids. I'm just a fan. Johnny, where are we at here, babe? Get me out of this one. I'm in a danger zone because I pre-committed. I mean, obviously it's up to you. But if I were you, I wouldn't do it. Unfortunately, I love the idea. But my lawyer is saying it's just a bad time for me right now.

It's so sad. But I love it. I think it's great. No, it's great. I mean, if I had any criticism, it's that every single time you come on the show, every single one of your entries is exactly the same with just a few slight word modifications. That is not true at all. It's really a lot of variety. Really? Yeah, if you'd listen. I have been listening. Have you been listening? You've been on the show, I think, at this point, 10 times or something like that. It's been like three times.

Including you came out to our tour stop out there. That's when you met me and you were obsessed. Johnny, what do you say? She's selling it. Imagine her on Leno's couch right now. People are coming. This is regular couch. He doesn't have a show anymore. He bought a couch. He didn't do his money. I meant Leno's couch. You didn't hear this from me. Okay.

Leno's going to steal back the Tonight Show again. Again? Wow. Really? Who's got it now? Jimmy Fallon? Yeah, it's ripe for the taking right now. Also, you know, I'd be happy doing Last Man Standing, taking it over with Jay. Because, you know, he does little parts on Last Man Standing. Do you mean the Tim Allen show, Last Man Standing? Have you not heard this? No. What? He doesn't get paid. He goes on. He loves it. Who does what? Jay.

Leno. Leno does Tim Allen's show and for some reason doesn't get paid. Doesn't want to get paid. Why? He does guest spots. Loves being on it. He's so weird with money. Yeah, isn't he? Yeah. So I think it's just me and him. It's last man standing. No Tim Allen anymore, obviously. Okay. But you splitting Tim Allen's part? Oh, wait. You're going to...

Hold on. How's it work? So you're going to be replacing Tim Allen. Yeah, both of us. You and who? Me and Jay Leno. But Jay doesn't get paid. Jay doesn't get paid? Jay doesn't get paid. Jay doesn't get paid. We haven't talked about the slack. All that stuff she does is for free. The book tour. The book tour. The talk about her marriage. Yes. All that.

She would pay to do all that. That's part of her kink. Exactly. She is paying to do it. Horny. Horny. Well, look, Bridget, I'm sorry we couldn't make a deal here. Yeah, it's really unfortunate and all that, but I'd love to keep in contact, keep emailing you. Sure, yeah. You can contact Jake at, what was your email address again? I'll go through yours, like always. Oh,

Or Johnny. Yeah, Johnny Cochran. Yeah, go to www.cochran.com slash

You got Johnny. Parentheses, no H in parentheses. I'm on it right now. There's also a slash. If the glove don't fit, you must acquit as well. Why did you put that in there? That's not supposed to show up. But yes, it's still that. What does that have to do with your business? It doesn't have to.

I don't know. By the way, it was a cheaper domain. So if the glove don't fit, you must acquit. Dot coms are cheaper right now. That's it was just the one the guy that did by the guy that did my website is an asshole and he thought he was being funny, but he gave me a great deal. Yes. And then I found out about Squarespace. Oh, man. Well, this episode brought to you. Of course it is.

Sorry, Bridge, but come back on the show again and you can try again. Yeah, you can listen to more entries. You're obsessed. I don't know that I'm obsessed, but... I mean, you do keep inviting her on the show. I knew it. I knew it. I and everybody else besides maybe Scott. I know Johnny is. I'm a little obsessed. I'm a little obsessed. I'm a little obsessed. Hey! Tony! Tony's back! I just want to say...

I'm obsessed too. I freaking love it. Wow, Tony. Mama Mia Pizzeria. Great to hear from you again. I'm so sorry you have to leave immediately. I'm upset. I'm upset. Maribel, you're finally talking. She's obsessed too. Tony. Why don't you hop on Maribel? She's a single woman. Hop on her. Yeah, you know what I'm saying. I mean, metaphorically. Let's be gentle today. Yeah, stinky, stinky snappies. Wait a second. Hey, Scott, can I talk to just you? Oh, sure. Okay. Yeah, Jake, what's going on? I mean, what about Tony and Bridgette?

Oh, that's right. That's a combination we haven't tried. We went to the PR later. I guess I just wanted to hear Tony talk to Mirabelle for a long stretch. I'm not good enough for Tony. I can't blame him for being insulted.

But Bridget, you're single, obviously. Obviously, yeah. For sure. Guaranteed. Have you ever thought about dating an older gentleman? I mean, not much older because you are. I'm 55. Yeah. Yeah, I could be interested. What are you like? What are you into? Well, I like to do song parodies. I'm not very good at it. I like to wear tennis clothing, but I don't play tennis.

I do love to love. Do you wear the tennis clothing because it's just the breeze? Yeah, just like the look. Yeah, the look. It's a classic look. Yeah, it truly, it makes you seem classy in a way. Thank you very much. I've got the headband. Whoa, whoa, I'm not in. I don't like classy. Yeah, I'm not into it. I'm too classy for you? It's too classy for me.

for me. Uh-uh, no. And for this reason you're out? I'm freaking out. I'm pulling the plug. Write a diary entry, honey. Get us back. Let's see. It's me, Bridget Jones. I'm at... It was a typical Hollywood evening. Hey!

Johnny, let's buy it, Johnny! This is huge. Finally, we're at the evening. You really want, this is what you want? Yeah. Okay. Welcome to the sounds of people getting a big shot in their assholes. I sent you something to be a DocuSign.

Check your email. When to record an episode of Comedy Gangbang. Close. With Sauce Hodderman. Okay. Well, that's you. Thank you. Finally, a compliment. Sauce Hodderman. Because my New Year's resolution is to donate to hags who are sad.

Okay. Donate to hags who are sad. I think she means her time being on this show and I'm the hag who's sad. Anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you nailed it. You got it. How did you nail that? I don't think that was complicated. I know Cockney slang. Interesting. Yeah. Clearly he was in love with me. Okay. Skipping to the end. I appreciate that. Uh,

Look, Bridge, always a pleasure to have you, but we are running out of time. Yeah. I'm so sorry. Does that surprise you at all? No. No. Yeah. I didn't think it would. Well, I think Alimony Tony needs to give it to Maribel. You think so? Yeah. Well, let me ask her. Let me ask her. Maribel, are you single? Well, as a matter of fact, I am recently single. So am I.

it ended very badly but for good reasons well i'm glad to hear that what can i interject what good reasons are there to end something badly well sometimes it's so bad that when it ends it's actually a good thing i see can you wrap your mind around that uh my poor little brain yeah i suppose so mirabelle do you think you can figure that out can i talk to you for a second yeah i'm sorry she's not a fire you've got a fire i know i don't know what she is such a she's my mother she's

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to say that about your mother. You're not wrong. I don't know what to do. She's killing my career. We're talking about Spider-Man. It came out six months ago. I don't know what to do. So what do I do here? She's my fucking mom. She's living with me right now. I want to take you on as a client. Really? Yes. I want to expand my business here. Comedy Banking doesn't need to just be a podcast or a TV show. It's a PR firm now. So I'm not against it, Scott, but you would have to fire my mom because I don't have the guts.

I don't have it. She's my mom. I adore the woman. She's tough as nails. All right. I can do it. Okay. Whoever wins, I'm their client. Okay. So yes, I do have one son. Mirabelle, shut the fuck up for a second. I beg your pardon? Come here. Scott. That's very rude to talk to anyone that way. Take my hand. What? Okay. Now what?

You're fucking fired. Are you fucking kidding me? You're fucking fired. Are you fucking kidding me? You are not working for my client, Jake, any longer. Your client? That's right. He's my client. You're out of here, baby. Hit the fucking bricks. And by the way, he doesn't want to see you this year for Thanksgiving. He doesn't want to see you for Christmas. He wants you out of his life. Not accurate. I just don't want her to represent me.

I'm sorry, Jake, but if you're my client, there's no way you're spending any time with her anymore. Jake and bake. Is this true? Well, no, I, thanks. I want Jakey baby. Yeah. You're my star client. I know. And I want to be the star client. I'm going to devote 100% of my resources. And you are torn with Cindy and Brad. You gave a lot of, you gave a lot of time to Brad and we both know it, mom.

Brad was having a moment and I decided to capitalize on it. And by the way, I would do the same for you if you ever had a moment. By the way, Maribel, I'm also stealing Kevin Spacey. It's just you and Kevin. Let's go. Fuck you, mom. I can't believe that worked. Maribel, you'll make me the happiest man in the world. You need money, Maribel. I'd suggest getting in on this. If you would agree to be my wife.

Tony, of course I'll marry you. Oh my God. Wow. Starting the new year off right with a new marriage. Jake, you have a new father? Dad! Stepfather. Dad. I'll call him Dad. I'll also be your father-in-law if you like. Wow. Well, this is a great happy ending to start the year off. This is incredible. Wow. Hey, this week's

Get out of here! Please, you have to leave. You have to go. As Scott says, don't come back. You have to go. I would rather spend time with Kevin Spacey. You have to go. Wait, Cher, would you sing at our wedding? Absolutely, yeah. Can we pick the song? Absolutely. What's it going to be? I've always wanted to hear you sing.

Walking in Memphis. Live? Live. Why not a recorded version? Well, I know that's out there. I don't want to hear it. I want to hear it live. Oh, I see. She does it for at the wedding. Oh, my God. What a dream come true.

This isn't the wedding we should specify. This is just... No, it's not. You know what? There's not going to be a wedding now. What? Yeah. Oh, mom. That sucked. Just because Cher can't sing walking in Memphis. Oh, my God. I'm coming. I'm coming. This is your kink, Cher? Oh, my God.

If Tony Sony comes, I do have to wrap it up. By the way, I keep saying all right. You'll know that I'm trying to get to our last final feature on the show. That is, of course... How long has it been? How long have we been on here? Tony, shut up! That is, of course, a little something called plugs.

All right. Thank you so much. That was a plugs odyssey by Afro duck sounds, Afro duck sounds. Thank you so much to Afro duck sounds. If you have a plugs theme, head over to comedy, bang, bang world.com slash plugs.

and submit it. And, you can also get in on these remixes, uh, for the closing. You gotta get on the remix. Gotta get in on that. Guys, what are we plugging? Jake, obviously you have three projects going on, two of which are active. Yep. Uh, self-inline's coming off, uh, now. This is in January. We're here to help. Were you here podcast, uh,

The New Girl on Hulu. Stumptown, which was on ABC, got canceled. Let's Be Cops, Jurassic World. Yeah. Spider-Verse and some other ones. Yeah. Your full body of work. Yeah. It's somewhere streaming. Whatever theater you did beforehand in order to get you interested in acting, probably. Yeah. A lot of theater. Why not? Yeah. And on my computer, a whole folder called Jake's Writing. So check it out. What?

If you can get a hold of his computer. There's a lot of scripts, a lot of pilots. Is that 70s show spec on there? Yeah, we got a hold of Hunter Biden's computer. Why not yours? Get mine. Yeah. Alimony Tony, what do you want to plug? Well, listen, I want to plug on behalf of somebody named Paul F. Tompkins.

Great guy. He's going to be doing a bunch of shows. He's doing a bunch of shows? He's doing a bunch of shows at the Sketch Fest, San Francisco Sketch Fest. Oh, wonderful festival. That's coming up at the end of the month, isn't it? Wonderful festival. Go to paulertopkins.com slash live for ticket information. He's going to be doing Varietopia. He's going to be doing Comedian Feud. He's going to be doing Spontor Co. He's going to be doing the Neighborhood Listen Live. This is going to be a fun, fun time. You've got to check it out.

Gotta check it out. Where can people get information about that? Sketchfest.com? PaulFTomkins.com slash live, like I said. Oh, okay. Great. I don't listen to beginnings of sentences.

Really? Yeah. The end is where all the meat is. I know, but the beginning of a sentence is like a fun setup. I know, but it's like, you know, all the important stuff is always at the end. But sometimes you might not understand things if you don't hear the beginning. Don't care. All right. To each their own. Bridge, what are you? That's why you don't get my freaking entries. Don't listen to half the shit. Don't listen to the first half of the sentence. They're all the same.

Fucking dick. Looking like a piece of shit. Looking like a piece of shit. Oh, no, you've been downgraded. I think that's a compliment in English, actually. What do you want to plug here? What do you have? But actually, me buddy, Tony Sony, plug it instead. Oh, great. Tony Sony's back. Hey!

I want to plug for my guma. I want to plug Lily Sullivan. Wait, Lily Sullivan is your guma? She's my guma. She's got a couple podcasts on CBB World. This book changed my life. She's on Hey Randy. And she has a solo show at the Elysian Theater on February 7th. Okay, one full calendar week before Valentine's Day. Yeah, keeping it romantic. Like, be my guma.

Okay. Isn't it a full regular week as well? Yeah, I think it is. Yeah, I believe so. It's not a baker's week. Eight days. I want to plug, look, this is good advice. Go over to CBB World and check out those shows. We also have the Neighborhood Listen is currently on CBB World. And we have Scott Hasn't Seen where we watch movies. I believe Jack Quaid was just on last week. We watched Godzilla. And...

Also, you know, we're doing a live show. I'm not sure if tickets are sold out yet, but Comedy Bang Bang Live is at part of the Netflix is a Joke Fest. That is May 8th at the Belasco here in Los Angeles. And because it's an L.A. show, we'll have plenty of great guest stars. So if there are still tickets available, then come see that show. And it will be, you know, hopefully we'll have something else to watch.

plug regarding live shows pretty soon. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. We've entered the room and there's nobody left. The party's all but done. We look to the door and we go to the left. The party's almost done. So then we open up the door, but that's not the plug bag. Because you notice what we're gonna do. We're gonna see them.

Oh, very nice. That was Closing the Plug Bag Spillover by Jacob Crosby. The first of our remixes.

All right, guys. I want to thank you so much. Jake, it's so great to have you on the show finally. Thanks for having me. Joining the exclusive one-timers club along with Gary Goldman and Donald Glover, who only did the show once way back in his first year, never returned. Ben Stiller. This is an exclusive club. Take it.

we've decided that the more successful you are uh uh you've only done it the fewest amount of times so if you're ever back you can tell your career set you down turn thank you so much look forward to seeing the second part of that exciting spider-man movie yeah me too out this year possibly and uh alimony tony great to have you on the show great to see you sorry we couldn't hook up any kind of a love love connection that's hey that's okay it all belts back you

You will. I truly believe the next time I see you, you'll have been married and divorced maybe eight more times. God willing. Yeah. And hey, Ridge, what can I say? What can I say? It's been a day. It truly is. But I don't want to talk to you. I really want to talk to my good friend, Tony Sony. Hey, we have an appointment.

Tony, I've been razzing you a bit, but you know I love you. Do you? You want to have me back? Of course I want to have you back. Do you want me to eat the pizza pie on the podcast? We barely scratched the surface of what you're all about. I got so much to offer. You do. My guma. Sure. And that's about it. That's about it. Seems like about it, but I would love to have you back. Please come back next week. Promise me that. Next week. Yeah, I can't wait to be on again. Yeah.

Every week thereafter. No. Deal. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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