Holiday Spectacular 2023 w/ Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Tim Baltz, Lily Sullivan, Shaun Diston, Vic Michaelis, Carl Tart, Drew Tarver, Lisa Gilroy, Dan Lippert, Gil Ozeri, Will Hines
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Shiver me timbers and swash me buckles. This pirate is ready for holiday chuckles. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, yes. Thank you to Hunter Biden. No relation. No relation. Okay. So it's a good one. Mostly, I didn't like that you were unzipping your pants the whole time you read that. Hey, wait a minute.

Come on now, it's not that kind of a show. You know what kind of a show it is, and yet you still come in here. Like a scofflaw. I love it, I love that it's this kind of show. It is, of course, not this kind of a show. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another holiday edition, holiday 2023-023. And we have a great show coming up a little later. We have some, all your favorites are going to be here, and some people that you probably don't like all that much. Speaking of whom...

Let's talk to him. He is going to be acting as co-host for the festivities this afternoon or morning or evening or in the middle of the night whenever you happen to be listening to this. We are recording out of time. That's right. Yes, we have stepped outside of time. We're in the middle of the speed force. And you know him as one of the hosts of the popular podcast, the inexplicably popular podcast. How did this get made? Shocking. 13 years.

Really? Yeah, right next to your mouth. Really? I got to get that close? Yes, you do, sir. Oh, wow. Yeah. It's as if I've never podcasted before in my life. Strangely enough, you've been doing your show almost as long as my show, and you still have no idea what good mic technique is. I don't. Is this how I do it? No, you're behind it now.

Please welcome Jason Manzoukas. Hello. Thank you, Scott, for having me. What a delight to be here. So wonderful to have you. At the holiday time. It truly is the holiday time. No one can dispute that. It couldn't be more holiday. The decorations are beautiful here. So many going on at the same time, too. You have Hanukkah, the rest.

Exactly. Thank God. Thank God we've got them all. Yeah. It's like all the people on Gilligan's Island. I think all holidays should happen at the same time, like all within a month. Like there should be one month where every day is a holiday and we get to take the entire month. What about holidays that are month specific, though, like the 4th of July? I don't give a shit. So the 4th of July is now like December 28th. Well, the thing is, is December 25th isn't Jesus's birthday anyway. So let's.

All right, here we go. Let's ask OpenAI for the answer. What if the show just became like... Oh my God, I'm looking so much forward to just being OpenAI. Just prompting OpenAI and it just going. Yeah, please. But, you know, let's make it in July because July 4th, that is when that happened.

Yes. Okay. So you think all holidays should now be in July? And we get all of July off and we celebrate all those holidays. Okay. Okay. What if you did like one week a month for a clutch of holidays? I guess I don't mind that. But then your family feels like, oh, we get to see you one week a month. It's like, guys, I'm trying to escape you. No, we got one month. We see each other and then we... I'm a man in my 50s still trying to escape you. You'll never escape me, Jason. Okay.

Um, it's so wonderful to have you on the show. It truly is. Uh, we're wrapping up December. Uh, this is the last regular comedy bang, bang episode of the year. Jason, what are your holiday traditions? Well, my holiday traditions begin with the comedy bang, bang best ofs, the best ofs, the best. It starts on the 2050.

this year. Boom. That's it for me. That's when Christmas comes is when I can unwrap episode one of the best. And what are you doing? You're checking to see where you land on the every every time. I'm like, God, there's an egotistical. Oh, yeah. And I speed. I don't care what other episodes if you and the guy you do it with. I have not you do it. You know, you and Paul F. Tompkins do not say my name in the lead up to number one. One.

Then guess what? Not listening to the clip. We've got to record those numbers, by the way. Oh, man, we're really late. By the way, did you record the numbers? No, we're really late on it. Okay, we'll do it this week. I mean, I believe you promised it would be done by Wednesday.

Wet day. That's another one. That's okay. So all holidays have to take place in the same month. Wet day. Are there any other comedy bang bang specific holidays that I'm missing other than wet day? That may be the only one. Okay. Wet day is the most precious to us all. We sing the wet day carols. I feel like wet day. And I think wet day is incredible. I think you're missing an opportunity for merchandising. Well,

That's what holidays are all about. We will definitely get some out this year. Greeting cards, T-shirts, stuff. What are the... By the way, why do they call them greeting cards? It's like you've already presumably said hi to the person. No, that's interesting. When you just show up at their door, hand them a card, it says hello, and then you're like, okay, we can talk now. Conversation cards. So what would you think? Is this good? No. No.

It's bad. I will say, and this is just for the listeners, before the record, you did say you were going to try out some stand-up. You said, I'm going to try out some stand-up. Just go with it. I'm dipping my toe back into the water.

um jason always a pleasure to see you but thrilled we do have to get to our first that's all right um you know well uh am i calling him is he or or uh is oh i i have to call okay let's call his number i just have a random sequence of numbers here that i you don't have to say the beeps along with the beats i'm so sorry are there beeps being put in in post in post

I don't know how much post you do for this show. No, we're out of our post budget. Really? We're totally empty. The coffers are empty. Is that why you started the GoFundMe for finishing funds? Yes. Oh, yeah. Let me press the last number. Okay. It's ringing. It's ringing. Is he going to pick up? Oh, man. Are we being ghosted? Maybe he's not there. I guess he's not there. I bet we're being ghosted. Fred Guinness here. Oh. Fred. Yeah. Fred Guinness? That's me. You got him. Hey, Fred. It's Scott Aukerman of Comedy Bang Bang. Scottie.

Hey, what is going on, my man? What is going on? It's so good to talk to you. It's good to talk to you. Listen, if my voice sounds a little bit different, it's because I don't remember it. That's okay. That happens to the best of us. Right? We wake up, we don't remember how we talk. Yeah. It's one of the things about getting older. Sometimes you forget what your voice sounds like. You have Alzheimer's of the voice.

Oh, that's grim. What a terrible thing to wish on someone. Is that why you called me? I didn't wish it upon him. May you have Alzheimer's of the voice. Oh, God, don't say that while you're looking right at me. People are going to cut that out and use it. They're going to send it to each other as voice text. It's so great to talk to you. Jason Manzoukas is here with me as well. Hey, man. How are you, pal? Great to see you. Great to talk to you. That's right. But I feel like I could see you clear as day.

You as well, though. Your voice evokes just even like a sartorial flair that I think is impressive. Real. You know, no one's ever said that to me before. Oh, are you kidding? I'm a real, when I, the way I dress, my style, I guess, could best be described as basic bitch. Ha ha ha.

So what does that include? What does that mean? What do you mean? You know, like I wear polo shirts and khakis. Oh, sure. You know what I mean? Do you play polo? I don't play polo. Oh, okay. I don't think you should be allowed to wear the shirts then. I agree. It's stolen valor. Yeah.

From Ralph Lauren? No. Yep. The most famous polo player in the world. Did he play polo even? Or is he just a guy who was like, you'd look good in this? I think it was, you know how when you were a kid and you got, you would draw like a, if you drew, you drew like the same thing over and over again, right? Yeah. Because you got good at that. Yeah, you got good at that. And I think that Ralph Lauren probably just drew a polo guy and then he was like, I got to make this a company.

And was it a polo shirt? Because did the shirt style exist and then he's the first guy to put a polo horse on it? No, I believe that the polo shirt predates Ralph Lauren's existence. His very existence? Yes. Really? Before he was even just a gleam in his daddy's nutsack? Before he was Ralph Lauren, when he was Ralph, I believe, Lipschitz. That's right. That's right. He changed his name, really? Oh, yeah. Actually, the polo shirt holds the record for

for shirt being in existence before Ralph Lauren. The Guinness record? Yep. But that's, I totally forgot that's part of your thing. I enjoy talking to you so much. Well, I forget it.

Guinness. He's dropping records on us from the beginning here, guy. That's right. You're Fred Guinness and you are the owner and proprietor or just the proprietor? I am the owner, proprietor, chief cook and bottle washer of the Guinness Book of World Records. That's right. And you're the guy who knows them all and gives that information to all of us in book form. That's right. And I think that, you know, for kids from age five

I want to say reading. No, I would say reading to 13. Yeah, reading at age, whatever that happens to be for you, three, four, five. Yeah. To 13. 13, and then it's like people are not interested anymore. And I do have some sad news. Sorry, Jason. No, please go ahead. It's hard with these transatlantic connections.

But sad news, the two fat cowboys on the motorcycles just died. Oh, no. No, I love them. Just now? I love those guys. It was this morning. This morning? Is that what you're calling? Oh, I called you. You called me. You called me.

He'd kill us if we had the chance. Oh, that's very sad news indeed. They captured the hearts of everybody who picked up the Guinness Book of World Records. Everyone loved them. They'd go to that page first. It's really sad. What was their record? I don't even remember. Was it Fattest Guys? It was Fattest Twins. They were twins! Twins! So the motorcycles had nothing to do with it? No, but they did figure into their deaths. What happened to them? They were chased by Bob Ross.

Oh, no. They got Princess Died? Oh, my God. They got Princess Died? They wanted one more picture? Ever since they were in the Guinness Book, they were hounded by the press for years and years and years. Never were able to snap another picture because I've never seen a different one. No, because those motorcycles were fat. Oh, God.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Fred. Well, it's the world's loss, really. And, you know, our heart goes out to their families who all pre-deceased them, of course. Oh, so they're the last in line. They were the last. As Dio said. That's right. Roddy James Dio.

You're a Dio fan, really. I love Dio. The stargazer himself. I love him. You do not, that voice. I love him. Fantastic voice. That incredibly robust voice coming out of a 4'11 package. Humps me up. Lead singer of Elf. Yeah. Hey, Merry Christmas. See, when you're that short of a guy, do you want to be fronting a band called Elf? Only if you can get guys who are even shorter than you to back you up. Yeah, that was a big problem. It's like, clearly I'm not the Elf. Yeah.

Heel Dice Elf. Oh. So, Scotty, what's going on? What is going on? It's great to talk to you. I mean, especially at the end of the year, there's probably so many new records that, I mean, people are rushing to get their records in before the end of the year, right? Oh, you know, they are. And, you know, we had some great records this year. And I want to share with you, if you want to, I have some right in front of me right now. Oh, I would love that. Yeah, new record. These are new records. Great segment. This is a great segment. Yeah, yeah. These are actual Guinness World Records records.

And of course, this is from the World Record Academy. Okay. Is that associated with you or do you get the records from them? It's actually not. Oh, so this is sort of like those weather apps that just get it from the government? Yeah. Or the sky. Yeah. Oh, that's where I get all my weather. It's gray out. Thanks, weather app. Yeah, right? I mean, come on. All right. So these are some Christmas records. These are real.

Largest collection of nativity scenes. Largest collection of nativity scenes. Does this mean the most individual whole nativity scene? That's right. The most scenes are just the biggest ones.

the largest collection of nativity scenes what does that mean like meaning displayed or i have a collection you come in storage but or here you can come to the front lawn and see 10 000 nativity you know i mean a collection is a collection and it doesn't matter where you display them fair enough that has no bearing they are just merely ownership it's merely ownership got it and

the amount. Okay, great. Got it. And so this guy has 2,539 different nativity scenes. Wow. And who cares, right? It's a lot. Technically, you only need one. I'd be more interested in biggest nativity scenes. Technically, you only need one. Okay.

I also think there's something about putting, if you're displaying them all or even multiples, there's something about that's too many. It's too many to wrap your mind around. Give me one, make it as big as Godzilla. It also takes away for the importance. Wait, you want... I'm so sorry. I want the baby to be as big as Godzilla and the manger and the wise men and everyone to be the same size. You don't want 2,000...

nativity scenes you want one kaiju level kaiju baby Jesus has anybody made a kaiju Christ oh man I'd love that

You could get the world's record for that. The Guinness World's record. If you do it, world's only Kaiju Christ. Oh, my God. Why isn't there a Christ flute in the Macy's Day? There should be. That's what it's all about. It's Santa's big day. Well, they're always like, oh, it's... You're right. The big guy's coming up. The big guy. And I'm not talking about, you know, Joe Biden, of course. I'm talking about... Why would I think that? They always call him the big guy. Do they? They do. Who does that? Who are you listening to? Who does that? Ronnie James Dio? Yeah.

All right, snap. Anyway, go ahead. All right. So I qualify that as a who cares record. Sure. Because so what? This guy's got a problem. That's in the back in the who cares section. That's a hoarder. That's a hoarder who has disposable enough income to buy two thousand. I mean, anybody could do that. He's got a thickness for one thing. For the thickness.

Probably. Now you're talking my language. All right, here's another one. World's largest gingerbread village. It's in New York City, New York. Largest. This is now you're talking my language. And this is a chef named John Lovitch. Lovitch. Lovitch or leave it. Lovitch or leave it is his podcast. That's right. He used 1,000 pounds of gingerbread and more than 8,000 pounds of frosting to create 1,500 gingerbread houses worldwide.

and make the world's largest gingerbread village. Now, that's another one where we say, who cares? Well, here's my thing. It tells me how many pounds went into it. How fucking big is it? That's what I want to know. Can I walk into it? It's 500 houses being put on display, but they are just gingerbread houses. So they're gingerbread house size. It's a community? They're little things. It's a village. They're like for Smurfs. Oh, I see.

It's like Smurf Village made of... Smurfs are what? Three apples tall? Yeah, Randy Rhoads. Randy Rhoads was four apples tall. Exactly. Randy Rhoads, five apples tall.

All rock stars are measured in apples, just like Smurfs. How about this one? World's tallest digital Merry Christmas candy cane. This is extremely specific. Digital record? Yeah. I don't like it. Okay, so let's break it down. It's the world's tallest digital, quote, Merry Christmas, end quote, candy cane. So many qualifiers. Yeah. So it could be a tall digital Christmas candy cane, but it says something different? It is on the...

What? You know, it doesn't say Merry Christmas on it, so it doesn't get this record? Well, this one doesn't even say Merry Christmas. Oh, okay. It's just a digital picture of a candy cane. Oh, okay. Yeah. Digital picture? A digital picture? So the record is for this size? Isn't this like, you're saying the screen is big enough to project this image? Yeah, how many pixels is it? Is that what we're talking about? Is this 4K? Oh, let's see. It is thousands of light-emitting diodes, and then parentheses says LEDs.

Thank you. To create a spectacular Christmas skyline show. This is the $700 million. Oh, it's like a firework or something. Paramount Miami World Center Tower. No, it's just on the side of a building. On the side of a building. Oh, it's like projected onto. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. And this one is. Oh, Paramount Miami World Center Christmas Spectacular Tower Lighting is a shining beacon of cheer and best wishes to all as a challenging year comes to a close, says Paramount Miami World Center CEO Daniel Codsey.

And again, this is filed under the who cares. Yeah, this is just a thing someone did. Yeah. Anyone could do it. Guys, can I be honest with you? What's going on, Fred? These are bad, bad records. The records game has gotten me down. Whoa. No, not during Christmas. It used to be like you had a freak that had really long curly fingernails. Yeah. You know what I mean? Throw it in a book. You'd have a guy with- And you've got a hit. Yeah, you've got to have a guy with- Simon's twins.

Are we allowed to say that? I don't think so. I don't think so. I also don't know. Conjoined. Conjoined twins. But what did they set a record for? Being most conjoined? Yes, like in most places. Elbows, toes. Most shared organs. Fingers. I miss it. I miss seeing a guy with 500 cigarettes in his mouth. Yeah. People in a phone booth. People in a phone booth. They used to do- They tore down all the phones.

almost now everyone has pagers oh okay joey mitchell and you used to i don't know when i was young you used to want to think of a record that you could do it felt something attainable most people could fit in a hula hoop that's a good one it's fun because here's the thing think about the picture

Think about the picture. It's fun. All right. I'm sorry. You need to be visited by three ghosts or something. Why? I'm not a bad guy. No, but you need to find. I just don't like my job. You need to find. Jesus Christ. Everyone who doesn't like their job during Christmas, three ghosts. Jesus Christ. You need to find the joy of records again. That's the journey you need to go on. I mean, one of the things that does give me joy, and I'm ashamed to say this, is, of course, the dark records.

That's right. We talked about those last time. The dark records. Yes. These are the records in the, uh, it's a separate tome that only you have access to. We have a Guinness black book, which we keep, uh, under lock and key. Right. But we do record these records. You must. They're records. Yeah. That's our very business. It's our raison d'etre. What are some of the dark records again? Well, uh, there's, uh, there's some that are in-house. Of course we had, uh,

most homicides committed by an employee of Guinness, which I'm sorry to say has just been broken. Oh, no, no, no. What happened both times? There was a, uh, uh, an employee, uh, uh, named Ken, uh, who was, do you know Ken? Uh, Ken Guinness? No. Oh, he's not related to me. Oh, I see. So it's not a family business. Oh, okay. Oh, it's not. No, no. Are you, so you're no relation?

No, no relation at all. Oh, yeah. But you are in relation to the beer makers, right? We talked about this. No, I'm not. Oh, okay. My name just coincidentally is Guinness. Oh, wow. And I took it over. And when I did, I thought I should probably move to Ireland. Right. That's right. Yeah. For one of the two things. Yeah. I mean, well, because. It turned out that you ended up being in the book and not the beer part of it. Right. I had no interest in the beer part. Right. No interest in the beer. I do not drink beer. Right.

I do drink absinthe. Oh, you do? You're an absinthe guy, like Marilyn Manson? Yes! Wait, is he an absinthe guy? Brian, yes. Oh, Brian! Yes, I love to visit the Green Ferry. Um...

But I do, yeah, the dark records are a perverse source of joy for me. And so the new record for most homicides by a Guinness employee, his name was Ken Sharps, and he stole a sightseeing bus.

Like one of the TMZ type ones? But in Ireland? Yes, TMZ Ireland. TMZ. Who did they cover? Bono? Bono, the rest. Bob Geldof. Of course, you know. The commitments? Yeah, the commitments. A lot of time on their hands now with Shane McGowan passing. They have no commitments. Great. Uncommitments.

Are you still there? Hello. Are you still there? I felt like I was getting an echo. Mm-hmm.

So Ken stole a sightseeing bus, and it was one of those days where it was bring your daughter to the sightseeing bus. Oh, no. So it was double the amount of people. Oh, boy. And all of them had daughters. Yes, they all had daughters. Half adults, half daughters. You couldn't get on the bus if you didn't have a daughter. Oh, God. Half adults, half daughters. They took DNA tests? They took DNA tests. You had to...

So you couldn't just show up with a kid. No, you couldn't even be adopted either. We had to do paternity tests. We had to do DNA tests. Did any of them come back as 100% that bitch? That's...

That's fun. It is fun. It's fun. And all of that research is done by TMZ tour buses? Yes. Okay. TMZ. Okay. Wow. Okay. Yes. They all have the testers all have big smoothie cups. Yeah. And then you have to spit your results into the smoothie cup. Just spit. And then it goes off to the Guinness lab. So this is a multi-day operation.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. And we should tell people that. Wait, are we involved in the bus? Yeah. If you guys are providing the lab work for the TMZ buses. Yes. So this is a concerted effort. And maybe that's how Ken got in and was able to commit this heinous act. That's right. Because everybody knows each other. You know, he's like, hey, Liam, let me get on there. And he knocked Liam out with a shoe. With a shoe? What kind of sole was on it? Was it a wooden claw? It was a wooden claw.

Oh, wow. Ken was famous for wearing wooden clogs around the office. Of course. You can hear them coming from a mile away. Well, they're made in Ireland, so. Not famous enough to get a world record, probably, but. What do you mean? Like most famous for wearing wooden clogs? See, it gets into a slippery slope with qualifiers like that. I know, yeah, yeah. Most heard of thing. You know what I mean? You can't, you have to, you have to throw the line somewhere. So, what happened?

So Ken got on the bus. He got on the little loudspeaker. He floored it. And he got on the microphone and he said, folks, you're going to die today. Oh, boy.

These were his chilling. Were these prepared remarks or was this like, we didn't find any note cards, but I, I would imagine he practiced it before he got on the phone. Yeah. Man. And then he just, uh, he drove everyone off a cliff off a cliff, including himself.

Yeah. He didn't jump out right before he got in there? He didn't have like a parachute on or something? We think that he tried to. Oh, he tried to DB Cooper this? We think that he tried to DB Cooper it. Was he wearing a parachute? He was wearing a parachute. Oh, yeah. He wanted to. Yeah, he wanted to DB Cooper it. But his claw got stuck. No, on the gas pedal. On the gas pedal.

Oh, come on, Sharpie. Get it together. And we heard from eyewitnesses who were nearby, they saw the bus, that there was a man screaming frantically, help, help, I was just kidding. And we believe that to be Ken. He was kidding about what part of it? Because he meant for everyone to die. I think he was trying to avert the crisis by talking to God. Oh, oh. Saying I was just kidding. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But of course, if you believe in God, you believe that God knows when you're kidding. You can't fool God with a joke. Are you a religious man? I never thought that about you. I'm agnostic. Oh, you are? I'm agnostic, yeah. You don't know the answers. I don't know the answers. We all got here somehow. So it wouldn't surprise you if the minute you died, suddenly, pop, there you are, heaven.

Heaven time. If that's how it happens, I would be surprised. Really? Yes. What would make you surprised about that? The pop sound. Oh, that's the only part of it. Just heaven. Yeah. If that's how it plays out, I will be surprised. Even having to have the discussion. Okay. Yeah. All right. Well, anything can happen under the sun. Boy, that's so true. As Shakespeare said. Oh, he said nothing like the sun. Sure. Shakespeare said both. He said a lot of things about the sun. He was like a big self tanning guy. Shakespeare? Yeah. Yeah.

He's not the most self-tanned figure in literature. Who would that be? That would be William Faulkner. William Faulkner, really? He loved to lay out. Oh, yeah. He loved to lay out. He was the original tan mom.

He was, really. You know how Jodie Foster, the original on that Suntan commercial, the billboard, she was the copper tone. Oh, yeah, copper tone. Copper tone. So William Faulkner, Jodie Foster, a lot of Foster. What are you doing? I don't know. It's the holidays. So, whoop-dee-doo, a hickory dock. Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, that song's amazing. I will say, Fred, you came alive when you, you seemed so down when you were telling us about the new records. You came alive. When you talked about this TMZ bus. No, I was going to say when you talked about the dark records. Oh, yeah. I feel like a pivot to the dark records might be like the happy future you are looking for. But it's happy for me. It's not happy for other people. Like, do you want to know who has the most?

Who has the world record for most failed exorcisms? Oh, yeah. Sure. Yeah, I wouldn't mind hearing that. His name is Padre Davide Benvenuto. And he is the unluckiest exorcist in all of Rome. So it was just luck. By the way, I love the dark records are so interesting compared to biggest digital candy cane. Of course they are.

I mean, I'm not lying. This is fascinating. Jason, biggest digital Merry Christmas candy. You know what? I'm so very sorry. That's all right.

I mean, they do hold the record. I just want it to be, you know, I just don't want to respect it. I understand. So I meant I want those people to know I meant no disrespect. Why was the Padre so unlucky with his all of his exercise? He was just incompetent. He was bad at it. Yeah. He was like the power of Christ says get out of there. That's not the wording. No, it's not the wording. So he just didn't know his line. He didn't know Latin. He would do pig Latin. He wasn't off book.

He was not off book. You would do pig Latin? Here at Spey, Eve lay. He also holds the record for being laughed at by most demons. Oh, really? Oh, how many demons? Or how many times was he laughed at? 250,000. That's a lot of demons. Because sometimes there's a bunch of demons inside you.

Oh, yeah. How many? I wonder if those demons are excited when that guy shows up because he's like their favorite comic. Oh, absolutely. They're like, oh, shit. This is going to be hilarious. It's like when Chris Rock comes out in a surprise drop-in set. Exactly, a drop-in set at a comedy club and you're like, whoa. Whoa, holy shit. Padre. Padre Bienvenido is here.

we love this guy this guy's the best what an idiot they just laughed at him yeah it's really sad to hear a demon laughing at a priest he's i think that priest is putting a lot of the that demon crowd work in small clips on tiktok now and is blowing up oof oof i wouldn't feels like we've depressed you again no no no no no no i mean that guy is a bummer yeah

But let's see. Let's see? We don't have to continue. No, no, no. I mean, I know you guys find these interesting. Take your time. You don't have to keep coming up with them. I just thought that. I'm not coming up with them. I'm so sorry. You're reading them. I can't see you. I can't see you. What if that's a catchphrase?

I can't see you. I can't see you. I guess we could get t-shirts going. That could be a catchphrase for me because I'm on the phone. I'm always on the phone. I can't see you. Fred Gittes. I love it. It's great. Well, look, Fred, we do have to wrap it up. I'm so sorry. Can you stick around? Can you be on the phone? I know it's a long, I called you though, so I'll footstep. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Sure. Okay, great. I'll stick around. Yeah. Can I give you one more? Absolutely. One more. Yeah. One more to tide us over. Most people die.

blinded by staring into the sun simultaneously. Oh, wow. Can I take a stab? Absolutely. Three. You're so close. Really? Two. Two. Simultaneously. I went over Price is Right rules. Should have said zero people. Should have said zero people. Or one. Yep.

All right. Well, Fred, thank you so much. Thank you, Scott. Because we have many guests to get to, and I want to hear your input on all this. I want to be part of the action. Yes, exactly. You want to be where the people are. I want to be where the people are. I love to sing. You're not good at it, but you love to. Hey, you're not going to get a Guinness. That wasn't so bad. You're not going to get a Guinness World Record for best singer. You can't qualify things like that.

What, like best? Yes, you can't. That's not how we judge things. Okay, so most is singer. You're the most singer. Exactly. You could win most singer. Largest amount of singer. Who has most singer right now?

Adele. Adele, yeah. Yeah, she does the most with it, definitely. Yeah. Well, someday you'll overtake her, I hope. I hope so. Yeah. Not this year, because we're wrapping up the year. But soon, Adele. Soon, Adele. Fred Guinness is coming for you. He can't see you. I can't see you.

All right, well, let's get to our next guest. Jason, you ready for these guys? Absolutely. Let's do it. I guess we just have one person here. Then I'm ready for that one person. Yeah, let's... Ooh, maybe setting a record for most guys who are one person. Let's please welcome back to the show. You know him. I used to know... I first got to know him when he worked at my favorite restaurant, I believe, filling up the ice in the urinals. That's you, right? I don't know what you heard about me, but I'm the motherfucking Randy. Ha!

Yeah, Randy Snuts is here. Hi, Randy. What's going on? What's going on, Randy? Let's get it. Let's go. Fred Guinness is on the phone. Have you ever talked to him? I can't see him. Hey, Randy. What's going on, Fred? Nothing much. How you doing, pal? I'm pretty good. You know, I'm living large. I'm sitting down. Hey, what do you look like? What do I live like? Look. Look. What do I look like? Yeah, what do you look like? Hmm.

But then also tell me what you live like. Close your eyes. Have a sexual fantasy. Okay. Go the opposite direction. Then find the midway point between those two things. And that's me, my friend. Wow. I can see you.

Randy, great to have you back on the show. It's been a while. Yeah, it's great to be here. It's honestly a better reception than normal. You know, I know I'm not everybody's cup of tea, but when I am, people be slurping. Yeah. What's going on during the holidays? What does a Randy Snuts do during the holiday season? I mean, I shut it down. So whoop-de-doop. I dig a great dock.

I mean, I work as hard as I can for 11 months. And on December 1st, I shut it down and I just start looking for gifts for friends and family. Oh, good. Okay. So plenty of time to do that. Yeah, absolutely. So are you ahead of the game now? I'd say, I mean, what day is it? When is this coming out? Monday. Yeah. So I'm like Mondays deep into it.

I don't want to sign a figure. Yeah, I'm Mondays deep into it. But I came on specifically, I think, for the listeners because I came up with a top 10 list. Oh, you have a feature. Oh, wow. So Fred had a feature. You have a feature. This is great. I have a feature. Top 10 Christmas gifts for Scott Aukerman when you're on a budget. Whoa. Okay, I appreciate that because I'm very hard to shop for. Why? I imagine. Why are you so hard to shop for? Because anything I want, I buy. And I already have it.

Well, most of these gifts are priceless. Oh, okay. Oh, really? So you can't find these in stores. But it's on a budget. Yeah, it's on a budget. Budget of priceless. Yeah. I mean, it's from me. Yeah. And some of these you absolutely can find in stores. Okay. It's like the first one. Number one. Well, this is number 10. I'm going from 10 down to one. Oh, so you're in descending order. Subscription to Musical Theater Magazine, which you can basically get for free because no one's trying to buy this thing. Wait, is that a real magazine?

You should buy the magazine. You should buy the entire entity. Yeah, buy them out. Yeah. And then only cover my own musicals. Yeah. Like Hearst. And then suddenly I have like a big Ackerman castle. Yeah, get yourself a Rosebud situation. Oh, I thought that you had a musical called Hearst. Yes. I am thinking about doing a musical version of Citizen Kane. Just call it Hearst with an exclamation point. Why the fuck not? Hearst? I mean, I believe that that could be a hit. Yeah.

Look at this convo that I just got started. It caught fire. Thanks to my gift idea. Sure. All right. What's number nine, Randy? I'm sensing these are all slams because you made fun of the fact that I like musicals. No way. No, they're not. What would some of the songs in Hearst the musical be, though? Let's see. What happened in Citizen Kane? He sat around. He was angry. He yelled at his employees. Is it any wonder it's considered the greatest film of all time? She

She was there in the opera. Is this a song? People laughed at her. Yeah, yeah. These are the lyrics. It's like a pattern song. He's trying to remember his own life. It's just kind of a recap. No shade on the lyrics, but drop a beat. It sucks acapella. All right.

Everyone's a fucking critic, I guess. Don't be so cynical, Scott. These are not all slams. These are thoughtful things. Let's hear number nine, then. Okay, number nine. A DIY kit to turn your bathroom sink into a urinal. Can you guess what it is? What the DIY kit is? I have no idea. Some ice? Yeah, it's a big bag of ice.

Great. Because nothing is stopping you from pissing in your bathroom sink except a big bag of ice. Well, that's the thing is sinks are about penis high if you're tall enough. Yeah. Wait a minute. And toilets are lower. It's like, why do I have to bend over to get to you? You come to me.

Bend over? Wait, what? Do you bend over to piss in a toilet? So you bend over and then with your hand you push your penis back toward the toilet? Wait, are you getting too close? Stand up and demonstrate what you mean. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yeah, that's what I thought. So you hold on to the back of the toilet. You bend over, you hold on to the back of the toilet. Exactly. If you're a gentleman.

So that your penis just points into the toilet. Yeah, otherwise it goes all over the place. If you want to truly aim it in there. What's number eight, Randy? All right, number eight. Now, this one obviously is, you know, you can't find this in stores. I made it myself. It's a coupon that says, Scott, I'll let you talk to me for a half hour about hentai. I still don't even know what hentai is. Bullshit. Wow. Never have I ever.

You have to explain it to me one day. What hentai is? Yeah. It's the stuff you jack off to. It's the stuff that's on your computer monitor over there. Ah, I see. All right, number seven. Lime cucumber Gatorade, the best flavor. Okay, yeah, if you're on a budget, yeah. Although with inflation. With inflation, what, it tastes better? Yeah, I agree.

What are we at? Number six now? You don't want to spend more time on that? It's a kick-ass gift. I guess. Or if you're hungover, tired. Yeah. Are you talking one bottle or a case? Dehydrated? Yeah. I don't know.

I don't know. I'm not made of money. Okay, sure. But that's a good one. I'll give you the taste for it, and then you, who, you know, price is no object, you can go out and get some of your own. Oh, teach a man to fish. What do you do for work, Randy? Yeah, these days. Right now. These days, I work in an e-business warehouse. I put, you know, labels on containers. Oh, good. That's how they get to certain people. Yeah. Have you...

What the fuck? Do you know how mail works? I do, yeah. Shipping and receiving? Of course, yeah. Yeah, you're about to receive a mean one now. Uh-oh. Oh, no. What number are we at? Let's go. Let's see. This is number five. Okay. A homemade booklet of compliments. Like, you take really good selfies for someone who's Gen X. Oh, my God.

That's savage. Not sure what the slam is there. Is it how old I am? That was actually a nice one. Oh, okay. That was a good one. See, I was trying to be mean. I can't because our friendship is so deep. It truly is. I see you maybe twice a month. There is a slam in there. Twice a month. There is a slam in there that you're old. Being that you're so old, it is impressive that you take good selfies. I guess so, yeah. Not incredibly old, I would say.

Shocking. What's number four? Knock, knock. What? Oh. Whoa, Randy? Carissa, what are you doing here? What are you doing here? This is so crazy. I'm hanging out with my boys. Oh, my God. I was just bringing Scott this big plate of cat puke taquitos. Oh, no, thank you. Cat puke taquitos? Yes, your favorite. Extra pukey. Did she say, did that woman say canock, canock? She may have. This is Carissa, by the way. Canock, canock.

Yeah, my ex-girlfriend. Oh, ex now? Is that what your relationship status is? Yeah, obviously. You can see the flaws between us. Yeah, we're broken up right now. As you know. God, you are looking so hot today, Scott. Thank you, I guess. Scott, don't fall for this. She's just doing this to piss me off. No offense. You are looking good today. Thank you. Yeah, I take you at your word. I look okay. I wish I could see!

What's going on, Chris? You're here just to give me a gift? It is the holiday season. It's great to see you. So whoop-dee-doo. Hickory dock. Exactly. You and I don't know each other all that well. Scott, you don't have to play dumb. We've been dating for about a year now. What? Yeah. You've got to be kidding me. It's really serious, isn't it, Scott?

I don't know that I would characterize it that way. Scott, don't dance around the issue. All right. Like, honesty is the best policy. And if you want to remain friends with me, you got to own up to it. Randy looks pissed. Randy looks fucking pissed, dude. Look at my shoulders. Oh, my God. His body language is so it's gotten so tight. I'm staying. I'm staying on my tippy toes. You pissed me off now.

My shoulders are locked. I'm on my tippy toes. Breathing shallow. He's so angry. I don't know that Chris and I are... That's our relationship. I took your virginity. He was the first 85-year-old I ever took my virginity from. Oh my God. Congrats. And you may have set a record.

- Hey, Carissa, all right, Scott, it remains to be seen if this is true, but you don't get to insult Scott like this, okay? - I'm not. - This is the holiday episode. - No, I'm not insulting Scott. - So what do you do? - Honestly, we have such a good connection, don't you think? - I don't consider what we did to be sex, okay? I know it's the definition of is and all that kind of stuff. - You had me dress up as a goldfish and climb up your anus. - You asked her to little Nemo you?

Finding Nemo. And believe me, I found him. Is that sex? I don't know. And you don't know what hentai is.

That's our thing, Carissa. How could you do that to Scott? You guys have done that? Little Nemo? Yeah. It's the 21st century. Come on, man. It's called Finding Nemo. Little Nemo is a Little Nemo in Dreamland. Totally different thing. Not a fish. No, I mean, Scott, we don't have to hide our relationship anymore. We can be open with it for all the fans. They're going to be so happy to hear this. Wow.

Wow. All right. Yeah. Carissa has come over a couple of times. Whoa. Yeah. We have so much fun together. We eat soft foods, cottage cheese, apple sauce. So you admit it. Usually around 5 p.m. We sit. Early bird specials.

We go to restaurants and he complains the whole time. That is true. That it's too loud. Why do they make the music this loud? We're trying to eat in here. Why is it so dark in here? The font on the menu is too small. The waitress is an idiot. Yeah. You bring that 2000 lumen flashlight just to shine at the menu so you can see it.

Yeah, his cell phone light is blinding. I have to turn it off for him. But we have so much fun together. We have so much fun together, yeah. So it is a sexual relationship based on what you're saying. Well, nothing that we've said is really sexual. I mean, yeah, in the parking lot. What are you talking about? We did all that stuff with Finn's. Yeah. That Finn shit. Yeah. I dress up like Finn Wolfhard. So it is sexual. His distinctive style. Yeah.

You play his band's music. Yep. She claps for it.

It's my thing. You guys reboot Ghostbusters in bed? Yeah, of course. You know what I mean. We did that blubber stuff. A lot of stuff with blubber. I don't know what blubber means. What do you mean? She doesn't know movies. She doesn't know films like we do. Do you mean flubber? No, I mean blubber. The fin and the blubber, I think she's saying this is a whale-based sexual encounter. Or it's a new Obama film.

Or it's the sequel to The Whale. Oh, God. Such a good movie. I like what Fred said. Such a good movie. Well, look, Chris, by the way, we got to break it off. I can't do this to my man, Randy. What are you talking about? I know you're usually the one to break up with everyone, but this is it. I'm lower in the boom. Oh, my God. It's over. Here comes the boom? No. Here comes the boom starring Florence Pugh. I guess.

I guess this is a good time for me to give you your Christmas present then, since we're not going to see each other for a while. Oh, something other than the cat puke? The cat puke taquitos? Yeah. What's my Christmas present? It's a box of all of your hair and your toenail clippings. Where did you get these? Skin tags. Skin tags? All my skin tags? I've been looking for these. This is an enormous amount of skin tags. Yeah, I know. Fred, I wish you were here to get a look at how many skin tags are in this box. I bet it's not the record. What's the record, Fred? By the way,

The record is 100% skin tag. Really? Just a body that was just full skin tag? A sentient tag? There was a man named Arthur Chalmers who every square inch of his skin was a skin tag. They cut them all off. He disappeared.

Wow. Chilling. The most chilling event in dermatology. I'm actually applying for my own Guinness record. Is that so, lady? Yeah. What is it going to be? Carissa. My name is Carissa. Strongest gag reflex. Meaning that you gag really easily or that you don't gag? No, opposite. I don't gag. Oh, wow. Okay. You know that. That can be tested. You don't have to play dumb.

It's over, Carissa. No, don't get too worked up because remember what your doctor said. You could die at any time. You could die at any time? You could die at any time. Carissa, show some respect. I am. No, I'm firmly on Scott's side. He's sticking up for our friendship and he's breaking up with you because he sees that it's devastating me. Oh my God. I can't believe that you would do this to me, Randy. I better give you your Christmas gift. Oh,

Oh, what'd you get, Randy? What'd you get me? What'd you get, Randy? It's a box full of your hair and your toenail clippings. Hey, that's my hair. It's the same box, weirdly. This is just a reminder for both of you guys. I could frame you for murder at any time. Okay? Oh, shit. Wait, this... I'm now looking at the box. The hair colors are all... The hairs are all different colors. The skin tones are all different. I think this is just a box of DNA from various... You're so smart. It is a box of DNA.

So you could do your 23andMe, Scott. Find out how Irish and white you are. Would it surprise you? I don't believe I'm any of that. You're not white? You're not white? I have such a different picture of you in my mind, I guess. That's right. No one's ever seen me. It's a podcast. Who's the guy that we see in all the posts? Oh, no, that's just some guy. That's my neighbor. That's an actor, right? I don't want this box.

Well, it's too bad. It's your Christmas gift. And I don't want the Christmas gift either. I'm breaking up with you. I don't want this box. Hell yeah, Scott. Hell yeah. Take a stand. Be a man. Randy is my boy. And I'm not going to betray him. Literally? Anymore. I've even used me after all those times I helped you piss.

Holding you up over the bowl. Wait, is Carissa the person who helped you piss at Twisted Fest? Yeah. Yeah, I hooked up with most of the CBB world at Twisted Fest. Andy Snyder was there.

Yeah, no, Randy, we're buds, man. I'm not going to do this to you anymore. Oh, my God. You're sick. You can have her. That's so cool, man. That is disgusting. You can have my sloppy seconds. Oh, wow. No, I mean, you have mine for sure. I guess so, yeah. It's like someone's 35th, I think.

I wish I could see that. It was pretty sloppy. I'll say that. Sloppy 35ths. It's all good. It's all good. Because the truth is, when you're making love, it doesn't matter what number you are on their depth chart. Yeah. When you're at a deli, as long as you get the meat.

Yeah, that's the saying? When you're at the deli, as long as you get the meat. I'll tell you, that's probably the last thing that I would say during intercourse. But I hear it. I'm not going to say. What about right before? Right before? Yeah. Might get you into it. Skating on thin ice. After? After? Yeah.

That's a banger of a joke. That's a 10 out of 10. Well, if you say that after sex and you don't get the response you're looking for, you got to leave. Yeah, that's a good test. So are you guys back together now? I don't know. Randy, do you want to get back together? I mean, it's been fun with Scott and all, but it's kind of been like weekend at Bernie's.

Real load around. So disrespectful. Thank you, Randy. She said more disrespectful stuff to my face for sure. Right. So you saying it to Scott's face means that maybe we can get back together as long as you don't say that kind of stuff to my face. Wow, this is very sweet. Yeah, we've had so many wonderful Christmases together, Randy. Remember that time I kidnapped your mom?

As a gift? As a gift. Well, yeah. It was the only thing that got me and my mom back together. Not sexually. Right, right. You were estranged at the time. Yeah, we were estranged. Right. I wasn't looking for strange. We were estranged. Right, yeah. I got it. Okay, good. Um...

You've never had sex with your mother. You keep qualifying that you haven't had sex with your mother in a way that makes it now feel to me as though you absolutely haven't heard the recent episodes of your show. Have you talked about you banging your mother recently or something? What the hell? You need to tune in. I'm not talking about it. I can't believe it. What's that? All those times that we were going to sleep and you would put on CBB world and we'd fall asleep. It's the only thing I could fall asleep to. That and eat prey dunk. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Well, I'm glad you guys are back together. Randy, do you have any more gift ideas to close out the... Because we're coming up on a break. I have a good idea. What's that? A big box full of hair. Don't need one. To be honest, I don't know if I want to say these because these were on the meaner side and were... Say them. Go ahead. Okay. A coffee mug that says Scott hasn't seen his own penis. What?

I really think you should start making that as merch. Not bad. That's a t-shirt and it would sell well. Can Sprague be saying it? Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Okay. Sprague seeing it and then Scott, you're looking up, but you're Donald ducking it.

You just got a t-shirt out and your penis is out. I get it. That's the hottest way a man could look, to be honest. Yeah, I don't think on the official merch I'm going to put a nude picture of myself on it. Do you want it to be popular? Do you want to sell? It wouldn't be nude. You'd be in a t-shirt. All right. Anyway, go ahead. He's got you there, Scott. Okay, well, this was the other mean one. My latest self-published book about Scott entitled How to Find the Right Hoodie After You Turn 50 Years Old.

It's just a guy wearing a hoodie. By the way. But you're not 50? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. What's the cutoff to you, Ray? There's no cutoff. I'm just saying. You've got to find the right one. It's true. It's true because after 50, it can't be a pullover. It's too hard to get in and out of. You need a zipper. Yeah. Okay. So that's it or you had a nice one to close it up? I got a nice one. I got you a BYOB booze cruise in my limo.

Wow. That's right. You have a limo nowadays that you're driving. Yeah, I drive for Lyft and Uber. Yeah. And Turo. Who? Turo.com. Not familiar. Turo. What is that? It's a...

It's just like, it's a zip card. Are they a sponsor? No, it's part of their lore. I mean, there's going to be a couple people in certain regions of the country that get such a charge out of hearing Turo. We don't need to cater to that. Hey, Randy, keep it up and one day you might be the most

famous limo driver, a record currently held by Jan Terry. Jan Terry, that's right. Jan Terry, a legend. A legend in the making. That's right, from the Midwest, right? That's right, from Chicago. Yeah, and longest mullet. Chicago has two seasons, winter and construction. I love those songs. I thought that was Toronto.

It's not Toronto? Not according to the song. It's Chicago. Maybe she meant Toronto and just accidentally said Chicago. Wait, that's a Jan Terry song? Yes, it is. I thought it was Aliata Haynes and Jeremiah. Okay, I don't know. Look, Randy, we're out of gas. We're out of time. We're out of gas. Yeah, you're out of gas. Scott, don't get too worked up. Scott, remember what the doctor said. You could die at any second. I could die at any second. That's right. Okay, we have to take a break.

Are you guys sticking around? Let's take a break. We're going to stick around. No, we have to go. This is not your show. I'm taking it over. All right. We've got a couple of commercials and we'll be back with another guest. Thank you, Company Bang Bang. Folks, let's have a word for our sponsors. No, no. Come back with my show. We'll be right back.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jason Manzoukas is here. How did this get made podcast? I believe still on the phone we have Fred Guinness. Fred, are you still with us? Put it down! Hey, sorry about that. Who are you talking to, Fred? Put it down. Yeah, I'm talking to my brother's visiting. Oh, who's your brother? My brother's Ted Guinness. Ted Guinness. What?

What is, uh, what's Ted, what's going on with Ted? What is he, what is he holding? What do you want him to put down? He, he is holding, um, some of my awards, uh, and. You get awards? Yeah, I get all kinds of awards. Guinness, like Guinness World Records or? No. Oh, these are awards from other places. I get award, yes, from other places. Yes. I can't give myself awards.

Okay. I mean, that would be a little shady. A conflict of interest? Have you ever desired to have a world record yourself, but have, you know, recused yourself? Recount, recuse! The three R's! Recount, recuse! Recount, recuse! I hope my voice is syncing up with yours. So, I almost, there is a record that involves my brother.

uh the most distance of years between siblings oh okay how many god that i okay let me guess four no higher higher no you're not price is right rules i'm still in the running yeah jason you want to you want to guess at this sure 60 years you're very close wow i am over though well i am 73 years old okay and my brother ted is four

Oh, so 69. 69. It's like they planned it. Right? My father did plan it. So they were in the middle of his 69 and said, like, let's swing around. Yep, that's exactly what happened. Yeah, my father kept notes on every act of sexual congress that he ever experienced. That's what I call planned parenthood. Volume three. Yeah.

I love that series of albums. Randy Snuts is here, especially during the holidays. Back again. Randy Snuts, also Carissa is here. What are you eating, Carissa? They're so good. You're eating from the box of skin tags, Carissa. She's pouring oat milk into it and she's eating it with a spoon. Oh, my Lord. You guys are going to love this. Once you get a big old bite of this. Here, come here, Scott. Let me feed you this.

I'm going to pass on that. We need to get to our next guest. No, we don't. I'm going to pass on that. We need to get to our next guest. You've heard him on the show before. I believe he's in the show business industry. The strike's over. We can talk to him, although he is below the line. And we could have talked to him at any point during the strike. Here he is back again, Room Tone Tony. Hey, everybody. Hey, hey, hey. Let's hold for Room Tone.

Oh, that's right. Okay, we need to be quiet. There's a lot of candy crinkling happening. Hold on, hold on. Sorry, for those of you not in the show business, we need to get room tone. We gotta get room tone. In order to loop that for editing. Yeah, yeah, the body's just... It makes sound editing easier to do. All right, so let's hope for room tone. Okay, every tone has a unique hum to it as well. You have trouble with this, huh? So I just, I went for the listeners not to know exactly what it is. Okay, okay. All right, hope for room tone. No one can cough. Okay.

Is that like an emotional tone? Jesus Christ. Maybe we'll try to get it later because everyone's too hyped up. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we'll do it at the end of the scene when everyone wants to go home. Yeah, okay. End of the scene? After the scene? That's the way I talk. I'm in the microphone services arts. And we talk about our life in scene. Are you a licensed MSA? First of all, I'm just a simple union guy.

Sure, you can tell from the way you talk, you have a bit of gravel in your voice. I'm a blue-collar guy. You can kind of picture what I look like. Yeah, no one who has a white-collar job talks like this. I'd be insane. I mean, how do your voice get so gravelly? But me, I'm just a simple blue-collar guy. And your question, Jason, am I licensed? Yes, I do have a driver's license.

I don't know that's what he was asking. Can he hear me? Oh, absolutely. I do have a microphone in Fred Kitt's headquarters. Wait, what? Yeah, I knew you were going to be on the show, so I thought I got in there and put a lav under your shirt. Check under your shirt right now. There's a lav under there. A vampire clip. What?

Bro to Tony, maybe you can answer. I have a two-part question. Number one, what does below the line mean? What is the line exactly? And two, how do you feel about being below it? Interesting. Well, you know, Scott did say it. And I know that they say that actors and directors and writers, they're above the line. But me, I'm but a simple union guy, so I live below the line. And what that means is...

I guess there's a line on the call sheet and then everything underneath it, you're below the line. I honestly don't even know. You're just a simple guy. You make only six figures a year. I'm a simple union guy. I'm a simple union guy. And which union is it? Sound. Got it. The Sound Union. The Brotherhood of Sound. The Brotherhood of Sound. Local Brotherhood of Sound. Right, right, right. 665. I would hate to see that band. 665, right. Oh, don't. Just one shy of 666. Just one shy. Four shy of 669.

That's right. What does that mean? It's just like putting a six in front of 69, which is good. Oh, okay. It's an extra six part of the 69. Hey, man, there's just someone waiting for the nine to kind of switch over. But then it just becomes 666. And then that's the sign of the day. I don't like that. As a simple union guy, I don't like that. But you're a simple union guy. You make a mere mid six figures a year. Six figures a year. I mean, this year did a little bit

more. Even with the strikes? Were you scabbing? No, I wasn't scabbing, but look. What was that, a song you were going to sing? Yeah, a little Bob Marley. We're scabbing. I hope you like scabbing too. I hope you like scabbing too. Scabbing, scabbing, scabbing, scabbing.

You know I love about- Are you a song parody guy, Fred? Because I have another friend who writes song parodies. Alimony Tony? Weirdomony Alimony Tony? Oh, yes. You're a big fan of his work? Not exactly. Oh, really? He has a record for least successful song parody career. No.

That can't be right. Have you ever heard of him? No, of course you haven't. All of his videos have one view and it's him. And it's so clear. It's like in a different color because it's like this is a self view. Even he doesn't want to watch it more. You would think he would be like even to check it and see if anybody else has watched it. I hear he watches it on mute just to make sure there's no mistakes in the editing of the video.

Right. So, Tony, what's going on? It's the holidays. It's December to remember me and another. OK, I don't I don't understand what you said there. But no, I just want to look. It was a tough year, Scott. I mean, with the strikes and you only made seven figures this year. I only made about seven figures. And I know with actors and writers not out there doing press, they were calling the sound guys a lot.

They were? For what reason? Well, they just needed to interview someone about Barbie. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah. I noticed that. Yeah, yeah. So I did a lot of press, and I guess they pay you for it. So yeah, I did okay this year. Seven, eight figures, whatever. Eight figures? Really? Look, I worked on a lot of movies in 2022. So this year, a lot of stuff was releasing. Which ones did you work on that came out? Oh, let me get this. All right. So look, I worked on Barbie. Barbie?

That's half of Barbenheimer. That's half of Barbenheimer. I worked on Oppenheimer. You worked on half of Barbenheimer. And then you put them together, you get a whole. I worked on the Super Mario Brothers movies, Spider-Man Across the Spider-Verse, Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3, The Little Mermaid, Avatar Way of Water, Ant-Man and the Wasp, Quantumania, John Wick Chapter 4, Sound of Freedom, of course. Oh, of course. Taylor Swift, The Heiress Tour. It's all about sound. You did The Heiress Tour? Oh, yeah, I did The Heiress Tour. A lot of room tone in those arenas. Oh, look.

Let me tell you, it is hard to wrangle. Absolutely. Getting everyone to be quiet? It's so hard to wrangle. I gotta be honest, that may be some of my least successful work. My room tone at the Heiress Tour. Of course, I worked on Indiana Jones, Dallin Dest, Mission Impossible, Dead Reckoning Part 1, Transformers, Rise of the Beasts, Creed 3, Elemental, Fast X, Five Nights at Freddy's, Puss in Boots, The Last Wish. What?

The Hunger Games, The Ballad of the Songbirds at Stakes, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Mutant Mayhem, Scream 7, The Flash, Megatron. Should I keep going? No. Let him go. Let him go. Let him cook. Dungeons and Dragons, Honor Among Thieves, The Equalizer 3, The Nun 2, Meg 2, The Trench. I'm also reading them in box office order. Insidious, The Red Door, The Marvels.

Trolls band together. I don't even remember working on that one. What the hell is that? That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good. That one's so good.

I go out there and find it. Yeah, and where do you put the microphone on an animated character? That's a great question. In their mind's eye. Whoa. So I go in. Where the splinter is. Yeah, I give the actor who's doing the VO a pill with a microphone in it. And they digest it. And it goes up into their pineal gland. I almost said perineum, didn't I? No.

No, it goes into the pineal gland. It's their third eye in the middle of their head. Oh my goodness. Wow. And is this a trick that you have to do? Well, you know, there is some dark magic involved, of course. Wait, of course. I'm but a simple union. We haven't talked about you being dark magic. I'm not dark magic, but yeah, I have a book that I read some spells that help me get... We haven't talked about any of this. Like a J.K. Rowling dark magic? No, that notorious turf. I don't know.

I don't think so. I did work on the Dumbledore movies. Oh, okay. But yeah. Oh, fantastic. You had a question, Fred? Yeah, Rudeau, I got to ask you. Have you ever met Brad Garrett?

First of all, this guy. What an interesting question. Let me tell you something. I think it's a good question because it was one of the highlights of my career. I'm glad to hear that. Hard to get the mic that high. Very high. First of all, he's tall and my stool game is not on point. Have you ever had to like, what happens if you are trying to, you know, get sound from a scene in which Brad Garrett is acting against, say, Danny DeVito? Very good question. It almost never happens because of that very difficulty. But I love them both.

And we love them both. I love them both. So I really put a lot of time into making sure the lobs are in the right place. And, you know, for Brad Garrett, the problem with him is once he goes into a sort of actor-y low tone, like most microphones don't pick it up.

Oh wait, does he have a different speaking voice than his acting voice? He actually speaks in whistle tone. Whistle tone? Do you know what that is? No. It's the high note Mariah Carey can hit. Oh, he speaks in that. That's just his speaking voice. Thank you, Chris. Wait, is Mariah Carey there? I can't see you.

that's a good catch all over the place people who are listening to the podcast their dogs are going insane right now every glass shattered in the room no but his voice when it gets so low it's just hard so i do need to access some doc magic in the room was he a nice guy is he a nice guy super nice guy he's not like his jimmy john's character what's his jimmy john's character you know he's a spokesman of jimmy john i didn't know that so you don't think that that guy's a nice guy based on the characterization he's like he's like so upset about jimmy john's all the

time. He's upset about it because he likes it so much. Have you not seen these commercials? No, I guess I haven't seen them. Reenact them for us, please. He's always like, God damn it, it's Jimmy John's! It starts with God damn it? Yeah, basically. It's the only commercials on TV where he's swearing. He's like, God takes the Lord's name in vain. My family fucking betrayed me with Jimmy John's again. Yeah, and his staff's like,

Sorry. I'll slit your fucking throat if you go to Jimmy's. No, this ain't a commercial. I don't know what you're talking about. This is not real. I'm going to fucking bury you alive. I'm going to enjoy it. I'm going to piss on your grave. Are you watching Hulu Minus where they show you a bunch of weird commercials? Hulu Minus? Yeah. You guys don't have Hulu Minus? Hulu has mind control commercials. Blue Beetle, Haunted Mansion, Evil Dead Rise, Killers of the Far East. Evil Dead Rise, though.

You've done a lot of stuff. Did you work on Napoleon? I absolutely did. If I get down to the end, I could tell you. How did you capture audio when that cannonball destroys that horse? I gotta be honest. I got, right now,

I got the worst tinnitus because that cannonball blew out my fucking ears. I bet, yeah. And it just blew the shit out. I always forget how loud cannonball was. And I'll be honest, I kind of flubbed it on the day, so we had to blow up like multiple horses. Oh, no. For a few weeks, we were just trying to recreate it. It was not. Did you go down to the Calvin's Twins Ranch? We absolutely went down there. There was a bunch of horses that were on their way out, they said. Yeah, listen, it's season three of luck. So, yeah, yeah. You know, I worked on a lot of stuff. I did a lot of press. And of course, look,

barbie for instance it's a movie about sound oh i guess yeah i mean what do you mean you guess maybe that's pretty clear you don't understand the movie scott yeah you can like hear the feminism in that that's what oh i see if you don't allow the women to have sound they're not it's like you're subjugating them yeah exactly women have sound now deal with it man as a feminist as like a long time feminist i just want to say like women

Believe. Yeah, women what? Women believe. You know, I'm an older fellow, but I did have to recognize my own privilege at some point from now on. I only watch movies where women are mic'd.

yeah listen i'm i'm with you even all the background artists they all have to have i just all the women be like i go even further i watch silent movies i host this uh silent movie night at mccuskey's in our town oh and then i only do voices for the women in the movie oh so you are doing the voice so you're getting well but you're giving a voice to the women in the movie yeah and that is the most feminist thing we've heard today that's empowerment

impersonating the women. I recognize my privilege. I get to host this at McCoskey. So what do I do? I pay it forward to women. All right. And we're home for Room Tone.

Sorry, my cell phone is too close to the... You're on a phone and your cell phone is right next to it? It's right next to it. That's just... Maybe I'll try to get it. Yeah, try it again later, yeah. The Exorcist Believer, Paw Patrol, the movie Cocaine Bear, Man Called Otto, Shazam, Fury of the Gods, Saw, X-Air, Jesus Revolution. Did you guys see that one? Jesus Revolution? Oh, good. Oh, good.

love Jesus. Yeah, it made 52 million this year. Is that like Dance Dance Revolution? It's in the Mel Gibson universe, of course. It's the one where Jesus dances. Oh, good. Jesus dances. Kanye did a little sock for it. It was pretty good. Jesus said, shut up and dance with me.

This cross is my destiny. I think we have a contender for least successful dog parody career because fucking Randy, you blow it. Yeah, you and El Bonetoni. Hey, I'm confirmed in the church. I can say what I want about Jesus Christ. Boy, that Shazam movement really tanked. Scott, I do want to say happy holidays. Thank you so much. Merry Christmas. Happy Christmas. Happy holidays. Eat up. Have a big bite of this.

Beautiful box. Yeah, do you want any of these skin tags? You're not skin tag Tony, right? I'm not skin tag Tony. Oh, that's a different guy. That was the guy who had the record. There are also, shockingly, plenty of cat puke taquitos as well. There's a lot of weird things on the table that I just don't really want to get into. But I did bring you a gift, of course. Thank you so much. None of these other assholes did. I guess Karis is dead.

I'm on the phone. I previewed 10 of my gifts. You're getting me all 10? Those are gift ideas. I actually came in. I gave you the gift, Scott. Look at what you're talking into right now. This microphone? Yeah. You gave me this microphone? It's a brand new microphone. Oh, my gosh. That's right, Scott. Which is what I've always wanted.

My wife wanted me to get you one of those microphones because, of course, we got all those bikes for our kids this year. All right. Why did your wife want it? Why did your wife want you to get a microphone for Scott? Because, well, she knows that our relationship is very new. And she says, like, if you're going to reach out to Scott, reach out to him with something personal. Yeah, you're not one of the old favorites yet. No, no, no, no. You're relatively new. Some people said instant classic, but not an old. I don't know about that. OK, OK.

But yeah, you know, I got you a microphone. Thank you so much, Room Tone Tony. RTD. And read the card, of course. It says, like, Merry Christmas from the Tony family. Wait, is your last name? No, no, my last name is Nails, but I do refer to myself as Room Tone Tony, so I like to say it's Tony. Room Tone Tony Nails.

room tone tony nails of course and of course there's a little drawing from my three kids in there oh my god oh look at this my kids of course are sure uh sennheiser and blue yeti right okay and what did they draw what is this a drawing they drew a little microphone for you oh my god microphone set up with a bunch of ornaments on it and there's microphones underneath it like gifts oh my god this is incredible and on the top

A big star microphone. That's right. Wow. Room Tone Tony, I'm so touched. This is amazing. Are you? Yes. First of all, reach under your shirt. Oh my God. You're loved as well. I'm loved as well. I just want you to know that I'm getting the best possible sound of Scott Hockabee. This is incredible. Thank you so much. But wait a second. Does that mean...

Like, you've been wearing a wire this whole time? Like, how long have you been recording? Oh, yeah. Like, how long have these mics been live? Technically, if you're wearing a law, the people around you don't know that you're wearing it. You are wearing a wire. So some people could call you a bitch. But it's not like I'm working with the authorities or anything, Jason. But he has the audio. He can release it at any time. Please don't release the audio of Scott and Carissa. Yeah, I was just thinking about when you shoved that tentacle deep down my throat. What?

That was one of those pieces of audio that I listened to and I destroyed because I thought no one else should listen to it. It's kind of like the bear attack. You did a grizzly man. In Grizzly Man, I just thought no one should listen to this. So I did destroy that. By the way, when you're on set and one of the actors goes and pees, and you say like, oh, I'll turn the mic on. Yeah. Do you actually keep recording? Gotta leave it on.

It's too hot to turn it off. We all want to hear it. It just takes too long. We're trying to save money. That's what I thought. Listen, if we can strike for the below the line people so we have enough time to let people pee, I mean, I'll walk out there on the picket line. But as of right now, I have

I have urine sound from Mago Robbie, Tom Cruise. The main troll in the troll movies. I heard that one of the ways that they were kind of trying to blackmail the unions into capitulating was that they were going to release the piss tapes. Oh, wow. They were going to release the piss tapes and half the piss was going to be AI simulations, which I didn't think people knew. But yeah, I think, look, I have the piss tapes. Yeah.

I'm not giving them to the AMPTP. Thank God. I'm protecting the piss tapes with my entire life, but I'll just say this. Well, I... Damn, Jason. I'm just thinking about how much audio you have of Scott pissing because every time we would have sex, he would pee. Wait, what was it, Scott? Nine, ten times?

I gotta get it out before I can get it out and you can hear him you can hear him too he's always negotiating with the toilet like it's like someone he's trying to block it's so physical the way he demonstrated it earlier the sound of you peeing definitely sounds weirder than everyone else's it's almost like you're getting ready to hump the toilet it's also like we can because you go into the bathroom right here just off the studio and we can all hear and you're shouting like come on come on yeah keep

Come on, they're all waiting. Come on. He's like, come on, big boy. You can do it. Unfortunately, the toilet is the big boy. Yeah, he's talking to you. The toilet is shaped like a Bob's Beeple. You want the toilet to rise up to beat you. Yes, exactly. He wants the toilet to suck the pee out of him. Why can't toilets be more like vacuums? I think every toilet should just come with a microphone in it from Home Depot. Is that a blowjob machine? No, no, no. It's a toilet that sucks the pee out of people.

Only pee. Only pee. Rube tone. Rube tone. Yes. A little more than pee. You don't have Brad Garrett's urine sounds, do you? Why are you so different? You better fucking not. Garrett's urine sounds. I think he's great. You better fucking not have my fucking pee sounds. I gotta be honest. And Jimmy John's. I do have his pee sounds. Please protect him. I will protect him. If I remember correctly, though, these pee sounds are very dull.

very slow. It's like they trickle out of his penis. It has to fall such a long way. It evaporates before it gets into the bowl, probably. Do you guys remember the movie By Giant? That's kind of like Brad Garrett, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess. But about Andre the Giant. Yeah, yeah. But he's like a big giant guy. He's the tallest guy in Hollywood. I don't know. What about Tall Girl? That Netflix show? Sure. Yeah. What about her? She was so tall. She was like six foot. I got to be honest. That's the one project this year I did not do. You didn't do Tall Girl? I didn't do Tall Girl. They didn't call me. I guess I was busy doing something else. That's a bummer. It was such a good show. Was it? What was it about? About a girl being tall.

But also being hot and white. All the struggles of what a tall, beautiful model would go through. Exactly. I just was too busy because I was doing no hard feelings. Napoleon talked to me. Wish, Grant, Teresa. Okay, okay, okay. We don't have time to get... Yeah, I'm sorry, Tony. I was just about to get into the seas.

We don't have time for the C's. I'm so sorry. Did you do the Pope's exorcist? I absolutely did the Pope's exorcist. Now that's a good exorcist. Riding a Vespa all over the European continent. As opposed to Padre Bienvenuto. This is kind of great. Davide Benvenuto.

A movie in which Russell Crowe plays an Italian priest. I can't tell you. I enjoyed that movie. I got to be honest, that movie would not have worked without the great work our sound department did.

Because, look, if you really listen to him try to do the Italian accent, it's just bad. So we had to mask it. Oh, really? We put a couple filters on there. Italian filter? We put the Italian filter on. They call it the meatball filter. Give him the full meatball. Yeah.

Give him the full meatball. Which is, you know, it helped about it. Everyone got that in Ferrari, right? Did you work on that? Oh my God. And House of Gucci? House of Gucci. I gotta be honest, we spilt the filter on Jared Leto's character and it just was too much. It's like, you know, whatever. And Mario, you said you worked on Mario Brothers as well. Absolutely. But you know what? They didn't want the meatball filter for some reason. They wanted Chris Pratt to just do his thing. Yeah, I get it. Wait, I missed it. Did you work on Maestro? No.

Absolutely. I can't wait to see that. It looks so good. I don't remember what it was about, though, because I just went in there and started doing sound. People were walking around. I don't know. Was it about a conductor? You definitely worked on it. Don't remember anything about it. Absolutely. I'm collecting the checks, of course. My residuals have already started. That's going to be nice, too, because you can then go watch the movie and see it for the first time. You know, I watch most movies muted. Oh,

Oh, why is that? Well, because I've already heard the sound. You're dissecting the sound. And also, for you, sound is kind of like work. Yeah, it's like you guys probably don't watch a lot of comedies and stuff, so I just watch movies on Butte. When you get home, do you just get into like a big sensory deprivation tank? Oh, absolutely. Just like Daredevil? Absolutely. I dip myself in some warm salt water. Sure. Did you have Daredevil powers? We've never talked about this. I never really checked. Let me close my eyes. Throw something at me. Ow!

Nope. I guess not. Nope. All right. It doesn't appear to... Room tone, Tony. We need to get to our next guest. All right. Hold on, hold on. We got to hold for room tone. No, we are not going to hold for room tone. All right. Maybe we'll do it later. Fuck. This is my lawyer, everyone. Fuck.

For the first time, please welcome Terry Allamander. Hi, Scott. Hi, Terry. What's going on? Why did you request to be on the show today? I didn't request to be on the show. I requested a meeting with you, and you said, I have 20 minutes from 1.15. I'm recording.

I'm so sorry. I thought when you said you wanted to come meet me, I thought you meant on the show. Why would you think that I wanted to come on the show? I don't know. Everyone wants to be on the show. I sent it on my legal letterhead. I said, we need to talk immediately. And you said, great. Okay, fine. We can do it. We can do it on the show. I have no secrets. I'm an open book. What's going on? Let me turn off the recording here.

Don't turn off the recording of the podcast. Oh, okay. Let's keep recording. Sounds good. I got good news and bad news. Oh, okay. I'll only take the good news. My daughter learned how to canter on her whores.

Oh, congratulations! That's where you go back and forth, right? Yeah, yeah, it was very exciting. That's incredible. We're getting sued a lot. Oh, no! Yeah, this year was a bad year for us. So, I mean, I'm just going to jump right in. So, April 27th, 2023, you had an episode. And I'm just going to sort of read the transcript here. Yeah, sure. I don't remember which one this was. Okay, let's see if this jogs your memory. Okay.

Mr. Books, if something melts in your hands, it is no longer hard. Scott, you could be holding my penis in your hands. I'm just saying. Jason Manzoukas, is your dick like an M&M? Scott, that's what I'm saying. Wow. I'm ringing a bell. Super quick cue for you, Terry. Am I in jumble or just Scott? It is...

It is just Scott at the moment. I was there and I will testify against Scott. That is excellent to know. I have all the tapes. I know what you were saying beforehand. That is excellent to know. I got a recording of it as well. Please, and maybe send that over to my office. So we're being sued by Hershey Company. Oh, not by the women involved in the joke. And not by Mr. Books? Whose hands you were trying to put your penis in? Who is Mr. Books again? Mr. Books.

Mr. Books was at the book launch at the Bell House. Give Mr. Books a look. He was the final guest of night two. Mr. Books should get a look. Right, yeah, of course. So we're being sued by Hershey Company. They don't like the insinuation that their M&Ms are as small as your penis. Oh. Really went the other way on that. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

So they think the M&Ms are bigger. Okay, all right. They think the M&Ms are bigger. So here's sort of what I've negotiated with them. We got two choices. Okay. $8 million. To me? To M&M. Oh, from me. Oh, no. That's worse. Or a heartfelt apology. Ooh.

How heartfelt do we have to be? Pretty heartfelt. Do you want to try? Just so we're clear, it's not hard felt. Oh, shit. It's heartfelt. Heartfelt. Not hard felt. Okay, I got it. You can't counter Sue? I mean, Scott, don't you want to stick up for your penis? That's...

Then the discovery process, they'll figure out how big it is. You don't want that information out in the public. I already leaked it. There's lots of pictures all over Reddit. Oh, yeah. You got to leak it as quick as possible so you can control the whole thing. I just needed like a support system. It's definitely. People need to see what I've been going through. Oh, no.

Okay, you want me to try to apologize? I'd love for you to try to apologize. To Hershey's? To the Hershey company, yes. You know, we talked about Hershey's last week. Pronouns and bio, more like pronouns and name of candy.

Wait, what? Oh my God. He's going to get sued again? When you say we talked about this. And you're worried about discovery? You weren't there. This is a callback? To last week's show? Why not? It's still fresh in my mind. Oh, how many people are listening right now being like, boo. Okay, Scott. That's what they said last week. I'm going to go ahead and put you down for the $8 million. Okay.

I don't have to tip, right? Huh? I don't have to tip? Me? Yes. I'm assuming not. Okay. Okay. June 18th, 2023. I don't remember this one either. In a conversation with an alien hologram about eating it, shit and cum, you responded to a comment about a toad in a hole as it being a earth delicacy.

I don't know. You responded to the hologram of the alien that likes shit and cum that a toad in a hole is an earth delicacy. Okay. So you're being sued by France.

But why by France? Because they think that their food is a delicacy and the Toton Hall is not a delicacy. So you're being sued by the country of France. By the whole country of France? Everyone? Yeah. Class action? Class action. This one has the potential to be like an inherit the win situation. Yeah, exactly. What is a delicacy? Who's to say? Well, that's it. Depends on what the definition of a delicacy is. So it really does come down to, do you want to go against the GDP of France? You know what I'm saying? They can just sort of throw money at the table.

the situation. Yeah. Oh, I don't know. Here's sort of what I've negotiated. Okay, what do we got? A lot of pre-negotiation. This is good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good lawyer. That's a good lawyer. Thank you for saying that and taking on no additional clients. This has been a nightmare. Well,

Not only that, a nightmare. It must be such a nightmare because it appears as though you are forced to listen to every episode of this show. I was going to say, it's so nice to meet a fan. Today alone, I scrubbed through, I want to say, 18 episodes of this year's episode. I'm so sorry. He used to make me listen before bed. It was hell. I'm so sorry. We can't talk. I can't hear any of this. I'm not going to hear any of this and I'm not listening. Attorney client privilege, remember?

Okay, so here's what I've negotiated. $8 million or a very heartfelt apology to the nation of France. To all of France? Do I have to say ooh la la and shit like that? I mean, if it takes you, it feels like that might hurt our case. Do you think that's part of an apology? Don't they like that? So you think there's one thing you can say to French people that no matter what, they'll be like, ooh la la. France, I'm sorry.

What is I'm sorry. Randy, you know this. Well, I know French because I got hit in the head with a French textbook. Right. How do I say I'm sorry? Just sweet days away. Sweet days away. What? Come on. You just offended all of France. Okay, forget it. The eight million. The eight million dollars? Yeah. Okay. You're so rich. You're so rich. It's not even worth my time to be focusing on this right now.

Just give the $8 million. All right, all right. Let's move on. So that's $16 million that we're doing so far. Okay. October 1st, somewhat recently. Okay, first of the month. I just paid the rent. All right. So here's the transcript that I have in front of me. Okay. So intern Casey from Ohio said, writers are ugly. Scott. Scott, I know. I start, can you believe I started as one? And then...

They were like, you're too good looking to, you're too good looking, get on camera. Okay. Who is they? Who is they that said you're too good looking, get on camera? Do I have to say right now? Yes. And I haven't been sworn in.

Do you think I'm the judge? I don't know. It's producers, you know, Hollywood. Which one? The, you know, the, I'm not talking about like a race of people. Is that what you're saying? I want to know. I don't know.

That control Hollywood. I'm not talking about that. You look panicked. You're not trying to pin that on me. Oh my God, the microphones are frying from the flop sweat. I need to know which producer specifically said that you are too good looking for writing and you need to get on camera. You made it up? I made it up. Okay, well, imagination is suing you then. No! Imaginations are suing you then. Imagination meaning the animation studio? No.

- No, meaning they sort of like- - The minions are suing me. - The minions are suing you. The idea and the minions are suing you. - That's tough, but you gotta admit, the minions are funny, man. - They're funny for you maybe. Do you know what it's like trying to read through a deposition? - I can't say. - Beato, beato, beato. - An absolute nightmare. - Banana, banana. - Beato, beato, beato. - Did Johnny Depp have to give depositions? - Huh? - Nevermind.

This is a disaster. I've negotiated something for you. Why did you just cross that off a list? Why did you just look down, give yourself a thumbs up and cross that off a list? I gave it a checkmark. What did you negotiate? Well, you're not going to believe it, but either $8 million or...

a heartfelt apology. I can't do, I can't apologize to everyone in their imagination, the minions themselves. I don't know. I don't know. It's like, how are you going to be heartfelt when you're cracking your ass up with these guys? You know what I mean? You're too funny. You can't say that. I can't. No. So what would you like to do? Another eight.

Another $8 million. Yeah, another eight. But that's it. I'm tapped out after that. Okay, wonderful. We have one more. Oh, no. February 12th, 2023, this year. Gearing up for Valentine's Day. We're sort of dealing with this year's lawsuits. You had a person on named John Hodgman. Yeah, John Hodgman. Yeah, yeah. Yes. He swore earlier in the episode. You said, don't worry about it. No regrets. The past is in the past.

Okay, so here's my question. What's wrong with that? That seems fine to me. Well, that's my thing. So you agree the past is in the past? The past is in the past, sure. Yeah, I agree. So I'm just, my office flagged this for some potential self-fraud because so I sort of, we did a little bit of digging. On March 25th, 2016 on Instagram, you posted a street sign that said dirt available. I did? Yeah.

Yeah, and you captioned it, I'm good. So you don't regret posting that? It's kind of funny. I don't know. Damn, you were funny. You don't regret that? I don't regret it, no. During that time, there was also a lot of iPod pictures. Pictures of your iPod. Sure. And it said, like, my shuffle playlist. You posted that. Okay.

Upwards of a dozen times. No regrets on that. A dozen? That's too many. That's too many? All right, maybe a regret there, yeah. Okay, so I've negotiated something for anybody that comes across. For anyone who comes across my entire Instagram, why don't I just delete my Instagram? Do it now. I've been begging you. Have you been reading any of my emails? It's too good, though, man. It's too good. All those selfies I post. Anyone that comes across that post. For someone your age? Inspirational quotes. Because I don't want to brag about my body, so I'm like. Yeah.

Amazing. Fantastic. So Scott, I feel like a broken record at this point. You can give every single person that comes across that Instagram post $8 million or every single person right now, a blanket heartfelt apology. All right. I'm sorry to anyone who goes to my Instagram at Scott Aukerman.

goes to March 25th, 2016 and sees that post. The one about I'm good? Yeah, the dirt. I like that one. So should the audience go to that dirt post and say apology accepted or apology not accepted? You know what? The audience should go to that dirt post. Yeah.

That would be wonderful. All of you can go to the Dirt Post. Go take a Dirt Post. Go to the Dirt Post. All of you, including you, Terry. So Scott, also to Venmo, please go to the post and say apology accepted or apology not accepted. Thank you. I appreciate that. Well, you should actually check out his TikTok because we've been doing a lot of fit checks. Yeah. Scott's been going like, my clogs are from Dansko. My culottes are from Ann Taylor. My hoodies. My hoodies are from Buck Mason. That's right. You should.

You also have been doing a lot of proof of life checks. Yeah. Well, I've been like, are you still with us? Are you still with us? When I'm sleeping, like at 3 a.m.

full cpr i'm in yeah well terry thank you so much for bringing all this to my attention and for i guess going through all of my social media this morning i'm begging you to answer one single email no i can't i'm sorry i'm not an email guy and sometimes when i email you you'll respond back like i'll send like a bunch of stuff like you need to respond to this asap and you'll go haha so funny and you clearly didn't read i'm a dm guy i'm a d you know that gotta slide in yeah terry can i ask you a question terry can i ask you a question

Please. Have you ever represented Brad Garrett? Okay, enough with the Brad Garrett question. Look, we have to take a break. But before we do that, we got to hold for room tone. No, we're not holding for room tone. All right, maybe we'll do it later. We got to go to a break. When we come back, we'll have more Comedy Bang. We'll be right back after this.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Jason Manzoukas, of course, is still with us. Ho, ho, ho. Hello. Apparently is turned into the Santa Claus. I'm doing characters now. Yeah, are you the Santa Claus now? No, it's just, you know what? I was looking at the table. Look at me, look at me. I'm the Santa Claus now. That would be great. Someone took over for Tim Allen. I'm looking at the table full of... Anybody? Oh, boy. That bitch.

All this Christmas candy. We also have, of course, Ted Guinness is still with us. Fred Guinness. Fred Guinness. I'm so sorry. His brother is four-year-old. Ted is my brother. Ted! Is your four-year-old brother on? Ted, get that out of your mouth. What's in his mouth? Another one of your awards? He's picking up crayons. Oh, Jesus. You know, my dog did that the other day. We didn't know. We were like, where'd this crayon go? Suddenly, he's shitting purple. Hmm. He? When I say he, I mean she. Ha ha ha.

I know you have female dogs. I know. Dogs shouldn't have gender. This sounds like a made-up story. We also have, of course, my lawyer, Terry Allamander, is still with us. I'm missing my daughter's horse recital for a bit. That's right. She learned how to canter, though. That's incredible. Well, wish I was there to see it. Yeah. And Room Tone Tony left, as well as Randy and Carissa, so I'm crossing them off. We need to get to our next guest, though. This is incredible. Just...

just the other day, about a week or so ago,

He signed an incredible $700 million deal to play with the Dodgers. He was a free agent. He formerly was with the Angels. Yes, I know all of this off the top of my head. Please welcome Shohei Otani. Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa, Shohei. You know, it smells broken here. I don't know what you mean. It smells broke? I think you need a new house.

And I'm willing to buy you one. You're willing to buy me a house? Yes, yes, yes. Well, that's lucky because he just outlaid like $24 million instead of apologizing for a bunch of lawsuits. Yeah, right before the break. Yeah, so thank you. It's good not to apologize. Rule 38 in the 48 laws of power.

Don't apologize for anything. Konnichiwa. Thank you so much. How much is this house that you're going to buy me? How much you want it to be? 24 million if you don't mind. I'll do one for 25. You got that for me? Terry. Who is this? This is my lawyer. Konnichiwa, Terry. Terry will negotiate this for me. I'm over here. Terry, konnichiwa. Where are you at? I can't see you. I'm wearing very expensive sunglasses. My catchphrase.

Yeah, that's his catchphrase. I can't see you. That's your catchphrase? Yeah. Sorry you weren't here for that. But you stumbled into it perfectly. It's because I'm on the phone. Sue me my sin. Excuse me, I'm sorry. Fred Guinness is on the phone. I'm on the phone. In case anybody doesn't know that. You can't see me. Listen, Scott, I'm happy to be here. I'm so happy to have you on the show. These headphones are buzzing. I know, yeah. You need new ones. Everyone's excited that you're here.

do you all know who i am i i mean i certainly do jason are you a sports fan i'm not a sports fan but i even i without any real fandom know who you are you are the greatest baseball player currently in the game and i know who you are too somebody broke wow wow i mean jason's doing pretty well i am a fool he was he was in a mark walberg movie

Went straight to Paramount Minus. Paramount Minus? Now it's on Paramount Divided, bud. Paramount, Pim, Das. All of them. I'm going to buy the whole network. Yeah, buy it, baby. You can do anything now. 700 million. Stop saying it out loud, Scott. Unless you're going to say it much louder. 700 million!

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Incredible. Wow. Now, who is this in front of me? This is Terry. Yes, and I actually do know who you are. You do? Yes, there was recently a thing where somebody said you got on a plane to Toronto and everyone in Toronto got very excited. And then when the plane landed, you weren't on the plane. And then you signed with the dog.

Yeah, I don't think he's famous for the first part. I think he's exactly what I remember unfortunately the country of Canada didn't have enough money to pay me Could you walk me through the story again? So they thought because he was on the plane They thought maybe he was gonna go to the Blue Jays. I'll say what he said He was on the plane and they thought maybe he was going to the whole show and there was started buying tickets like season tickets like What these broke losers did

was track my private plane from Orange County, John Wayne Airport. Really? They were tracking your assassination coordinates? Yes. They're trying to assassinate me. I am the most wanted man in America.

So everyone's stuck with these seasons tickets. They track my plane. Yeah. From Orange County to Hawaii to pick up my lady. Who's your lady? A Hawaiian woman. Okay.

All right. No more information needed. Mind the business that pays you, Scott. Don't be so nosy. Don't be so nosy. You'll see it on TMZ. If you ever make it to Ireland. And then I flew from Hawaii to Toronto. What were you doing in Toronto? The Six. The Six, if you will. Sure. T-Doc.

I talked to him. I talked to the team. Did you really? Oh, yeah. But everyone in Canada was going to chip in. But there's only like 15 people there. Yeah. They didn't have enough money. Didn't have enough money. Yeah. And I also requested that they change the name of the team to the Red Jays. Oh, really? Because you're a crip? Because

Because I'm a blood. Oh, a blood. That's right. Scott, you can't say this. I can't be in the room for this. I need to run all this stuff by you. I love it when you speak to gang culture. I mistake the red with the blue. You're not supposed to ask my gang affiliation. Can I sue him? Well, you used to be with the Angels. You had to wear red all the time. Yeah, and I loved it. Yeah, but now you're with the Dodgers. You got to wear blue. They're going to change for me. Really? Dodger red? Dodger red now. Wow.

Incredible. Can I sue this man? I don't like how he's approaching me. Absolutely. He can sue you $8 million for a heartfelt apology. $8 million? You mean my rolls of toilet paper? I thought you were going to say Rolls Royce, but rolls of toilet paper. Why would you think he was going to say Rolls Royce? Because they're about $8 million. I taped them all together. I haven't priced them lately. I taped $8 million bills together in a long line. I roll them up and I use them to wipe my ass. Wow. I mean, you could do anything now.

show hey how do you pronounce your name again oh can we sue this man i do it right because he's being offensive can i be honest with you he is my only client and i dropped the rest of them because he wouldn't take my phone calls and now i'm here so yes i would love to represent you show a show a that's right oh you confirmed it yeah you can you can do anything now show that's right what are you gonna do now i mean other than playing baseball which by the way baseball's

I know it's a lot of money, but that's a long-ass game. You know what I mean? We got a pitch clock now, so it's 20 minutes shorter. I know, but I guess I don't mean the games themselves, but just the season. Oh, my God. Yes, 162 games. Spring training, Mr. November. It's like, what, you get December off? January? Wow, could you imagine working all year long? What an insane concept. This is a problem with you Hollywood elite liberal cucks. Oh, damn. Yeah.

That's the problem with you guys. You don't want to work for your money. And that's why you're not getting $700 million. Itadakimasu.

So what are you going to do, though? What are you going to do with all of your money? I mean, what are the things you're going to buy? Why don't people ask more millionaires this question? Yeah. What are you going to do with all your money? I've been waiting for somebody to actually ask me. I'm going to fly to Hawaii in my private jet. Pick up your lady. See my lady. That's right. Why does she live in Hawaii? She's a Hawaiian woman. She's a Hawaiian woman. She's a Hawaiian woman. Why wouldn't she live there? She doesn't want to move out here to be with you? She wants to be in Hawaii, in her native land. Okay. Okay.

See my hyena in Hawaii. Sure. Then I'm going to hang out there for a couple of days. Okay. I asked what you're doing with your money, not like what the rest of your calendar looks like, I guess. Well, the calendar is the money. Go ahead, please. My question, quite simply, with what you've had happen, with where you are in the game, with how totemic you are in culture, why are you on this podcast? Yeah, what are you doing? Sure.

I want to buy it. Wow. I want to buy. Are you listening? Sell. Sell. Really? Sell. I want to buy CBB World and change it to BBB World. I'm a blood. Of course. So it's Blood Bang Bang World? Bombity Blang Blang. Bombity Blang Blang. I'm going to add an L. Bombity Blang Blang World. Okay.

And I'd like to buy and bring on my own friends to do. Who are your friends? Like, who do you hang out with? Other baseball players? Mike Trout. Sure. My Hawaiian lady. When you say Mike Trout, is that the singing fish? No, that's the Billy Bass. Who's also a baseball player. That's Billy Bean. Oh, Billy Bean. My favorite Mr. Bean. Raleigh Fingers.

gonna bring him on he's got a mustache Chase Utley will he be there? Chase Utley will be here

Who else? Who else? Let me think of who else. Mookie Betts is going to come in. All the Mookies. Blake Locke? Mookie Blake Locke will be here. Mookie Betts and Mookie Blake Locke. Mookie Blaylock, the basketball player. Yeah, of course. And will they all be playing characters? Yes. Everybody has to play a character. I will be holding a gun to their head. Oh, wow. So it'll be just like this show. And you'll come here too, Jason Manzuki. Oh, thank God. Okay, great. So you're still going to be here. I'm in. I'm still in. How much are you offering? You?

- Yeah, I own CBB World. - How much does he need right now, lawyer? - Lawyer. - You're looking everywhere but to me. - How much does he need right now? - I'm the only person you have not made eye contact with. - Terry's right. Who is this? Now who is this in front of me? - This is Terry. - Terry, the lawyer. - Terry, how much money does he need?

How much money did we give away today? 24 only, but... We need $76 million. I was in the hole? Yes. I was 50 in the hole already? You bought this house on credit cards. Shit. I'll give you $10,000. We'll take it. Don't I get to say it? We'll take it, Scott. We'll take it. All right, I'll take it. I'll take $10,000. Mr. Ohtani, I have a question. Please. In the revamped comedy Blang Blang, or Bomby Blang Blang... Is this Brad Garrett related?

Yes. What do you want to know? Will Brad Garrett be on the show? Will you have Brad Garrett on the show? I love Brad Garrett. Brad Garrett? Because he has a B. Yeah, he's a blood. I am saying I am willing to change my name if you need me to in the new iteration. To Basin Blanzukas. Blasin Blanzukas, I guess. J's are not offensive. Oh, okay, great. I'm in, baby. Listen, I don't want to keep talking about my gang affiliation. I'm going to sue you.

If you keep asking me that, that's a hip-hop violation. I have nothing to sue anymore. I sold it to you for $10,000. Ah, damn. Sue that stuff? Well, can I ask, you know, not to try and blow up this deal that's going to be bad for all of us. So my question is, why not just start your own podcast? I mean, at this point, you've got so much heat on you. This is sort of...

what it is, why not start your own podcast on Podcast Network? Well, Terry, what would you like to hear me talk about? Look right at her, please. He almost did, from what I could hear. I refuse. What would you like to hear me talk about?

I don't know, sports, maybe. Yeah, you know a lot about it, right? Why buy an unsuccessful podcast network? Why not buy one that is successful? Yeah, buy Joe Rogan. Or The Ringer, one that's sports-focused. I'd like to prove to myself that I can make anything successful. Interesting, I love this. It didn't work out with the Angels. Sure.

But now, with vomiting, bling, bling. Vomiting, bling, bling, of course, yeah. It's going to be the biggest thing, smoking. Do you think you'll be able to continue to take the Dodgers all the way to the playoffs and then no further? Yeah, absolutely. First round losses for the next 10 years. That's your promise? That's my promise to this city of Los Angeles. Did you hurt your arm, too, or something? I did. But you're okay now? Yep. I got an Iron Man arm. You do? Really? I got an Iron Man arm. I like that arm.

I got an Iron Man arm. What does that mean? That means... Like a piece of armor? Or you've got like a winter soldier arm, like the robotic arm that goes directly onto your body. Because if it's an Iron Man arm, technically it's a suit on top of your arm. It's an exoskeleton. Yeah, it would probably be not. You've asked the wrong room of people. I haven't seen that one.

I haven't seen the films. I was too busy playing baseball and hanging out with my Hawaiian lady. I gotta meet this Hawaiian lady. Will you bring her on the show sometimes? Yes, absolutely. Don't bring someone who's a different race and then just pretending to be that race. That would be offensive.

She's here to pick me up right now? No, I don't think she's here. Everyone is saying no. My Hawaiian hyena is here to pick me up right now. No one wants to bite. Oh wait, she wants to use your microphone as well.

She can't use this one. I'll need to buy a new one. Well, then she'll have to stand silently behind you. Yeah, unfortunately. Wow. Cowards. Shohei, thank you so much for being here. Can you stick around here? Yes. I don't have anywhere to go. Oh, good. Oh, yeah. There's no game today or anything like that? No game today. It's December. One of your months off. One of my months off. All right. Wonderful. Hello, my darling. I'm sorry I'm late. My Hawaiian high enough. Oh, you brought spam. Itadakimasu. Itadakimasu.

You know I love it so much. Yes, I love that. It's wonderful to see you guys together. He's my everything. This is the romance of the century. This is bigger than Travis, Kelsey, and Taylor Swift. This is the sports romance of the century. Show Hi Otani and his Hawaiian lady. Don't tell him your name. I never would.

Who would you ever do that? All right, well, we need to get to our next guest. Can you stick around? Sure. Okay. Anywhere by Otaris is where I am, too. And Fred, you're still here. I'm still here. I'll go. Go for Fred. Okay, good. Well, we need to get to our next guest. They were on the show last year, I believe. I can't remember their names. Please welcome back the Pixia Twins. Yeah, please.

Uh-huh. Hey, it's Clem. Clem and who again? Pearly.

Pearl and Clem. Pearl and Clem. The picture twins. We ain't married yet. We twins. We twins. We brother and sister skin. And that's our day.

Bacon Man Zoinkin. Bacon Man Zoinkin's our name. You're their father, Bacon? I'll be honest, I don't remember the lore, but I'm willing to believe it. We didn't remember either until recently, but now we remember Bacon Man Zoinkin. Bacon Man Zoinkin's our father. We grew up in a tuba at the Grand Ole Opry. Which is beautiful.

This one, we're just little. We're just little. That's part of it. That's part of it. Fred can't see you. You grew up in a tuba. Yeah. An instrument not normally associated with country music. Well, we don't always just sing country. Anywhere there's spit, we thrive. Oh, yeah. We smell like spit.

- Like tubas. - Ooh, we love that tuba vibration. - When that brown nose goes through our little piggy bodies. - Oh yeah. That's how we came of age, that tuba vibration. - So good to see you guys. It's the holidays. What do the pig shit twins do during the holidays? - Yeah, what are the pig shit traditions?

Glad you asked. Because we got now a we don't got a no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

any of this. Sorry about that. Terry is taking furious notes and really looks stressed at everything that's happened in the last 10 minutes. So what do you guys do? I didn't quite exactly understand. We're starting a greeting card company. Greeting card company. That's right. We were just talking about greeting cards earlier in the show. You were. Yeah, I did a tight 45 seconds on them. Really? That's too long. Yes, it was. I just got an interesting theory that why are they called greeting cards when you just saw the person? And you said hello already. I did.

I want to hear more than 45 seconds of this. I like it. I think it has legs. So that's where you're at. You're at pig shit twin level. That's your audience. Yep, my demo. We don't think it has legs. We think it got hooops.

- Oops. - Yeah, we think Yahoo, that's right. Not legs. - All right. - I'm gonna give y'all your own show on "Bombity Blang Blang World." - "Bombity Blang Blang World." - Yes. Are you in? - Yes. - We in. - We've given it, you know, Hallmark. - I've heard of Hallmark. Yeah, they do all those great movies. - Yeah, and Cars, I think. - Oh, that's right, yeah. They're primarily known for movies.

Is that the model you guys are trying to do? Start with cards and make your way up into movies? Well, that's the thing is cards, they cost like $1.50 each. Movies, they're like $100 million. Why would anyone start with cards? You're so out of touch. You think cards cost $1.50? Why? How much are they these days? Oh, they sing. They light up. They do all sorts of stuff. Now, these cards are like $7. $7 for a card? My cards shoot bullets. What? My cards shoot bullets. He's rich. He's rich.

- He's rich. - Konnichiwa. - Konnichiwa. - Yeah, we have Christmas greeting cards. - My brother just sent me one. - Oh, okay. Well, can we hear some of these? - Yes, you can. - Okay, take it away, ma'am. - Three kings came riding from far away land. - At the small of our backs grows a tiny hand.

They came bearing gifts for the new glorious king. We asked a pigeon to go study, but he said it was just a flame. What do we think? That's the first one. Wait, does it end with what do you think? Yes. Curious meter. Very specific. And sounds like pages long. Sounds like we're flipping pages in between. Yeah, well, here's another one. What holiday was that for?

These are all for Rachel Christie. It mentioned the three wise men up top. Oh, right, right. Very briefly. This one will help make it more clear to you, Sean. Is that your name? Sean? Sho-han. Sho-han? Sho-han. Oh, our name's

I know. Piggy Santa came to town and oinked his snout with glee. He killed a cat and drank its blood. Piggy Jamboree. What do we think? Is that part of it? Yes.

It does stand out. This is for the piggy jamboree? Yeah, it's for the piggy jamboree. Here's another one. Do these have images on them, or are they just text-based? There's a little square where you draw your own image. Okay. But we encourage you to draw genitalia. Yeah. The card comes with a little pencil, and it says, draw dick, dare ya? Okay.

So that text is also on the front of the card. After, what do you think? I don't know. Piggy Santa brought us gifts. Now we have to kiss him. How bloody are his hooving hands? Piggy Jamborism. Okay. Okay, what do you think? I mean, I'm glad Jism wasn't involved. Draw a dick if you dare. Okay.

Piggy Santa loves the kids. He puts them deep in snow. He puts them deeper, deeper still. Piggy Jamboree. What do you think? Draw a dick if you dare. Draw a dick. Here we go. You're the last one. Piggy, Piggy, Jamboree. Piggy, Jamboree.

Piggy, piggy, one, two, three. God protect us, please. What do you think? Draw a dick. Draw a dick, yeah. So they seem to become more and more obsessed with this piggy jamboree. Are you guys throwing one? Is that the holiday you're talking about when you say holiday cards? This is a piggy jamboree. That seems like the hook that is really being explored. The hoof. The bloody hoof. Well, this piggy jamboree is our born version of Christmas. Oh.

Oh, I see. When does it occur, the piggy jamboree? Now! Oh, really? Right now! Oh, well, happy piggy jamboree. Hope you brought your helmets!

Wait, why? Yeah, because you're going to get bopped around by our little knuckles. The youngest pigs in the group get to bop around the heads of the older guys. Oh, okay. And that's Piggy Jamboree. I'm sorry. That's all it is. That's all it is. I couldn't help but notice from some of these cards that you brought, they are soaking wet. Yeah, they dripping in blood. Yeah. Oh, it's blood, really. It's blood on mine, grease on clams.

Remember that part? Grease from our last... The cards are covered in Clem grease. Yeah, Clem grease. And pearl blood. I don't remember much from that, to be honest. I haven't started pulling the best of clips yet. Oh, it's going to be on there. You're going to want to familiarize yourself with our best of clips. Do you remember it? Yes.

The look of terror on your face. Do you remember your own lore? I do. A lot of people saying we were written and directed by Yorgos Lanthimos. How sure are we on that? I tried. By the way, I think you're fine. I got it, right? What do you think?

What do you think? What do you think? About that pronunciation. Oh, about the pronunciation? Yeah, great. Great. About the cards, I don't think much of them. You don't want to invest in our company? Well, all I have is $10,000 now. Please, Dragon. That's enough. Here's the thing. All we are asking for are sharks. Or sharks.

Depends on where you are. We want sharks. Sharks, can you give us sharks, please? Please, sharks. This is podcast Shark Tank. Yeah, so you want sharks. In exchange for 15% of our company, we would like 15 sharks. Oh, I've got 20 for you in my Shark Tank. Oh, my gosh. Perfect. And Mark Cuban just quit, so I'm taking his spot on the show. Wait, Clem, can I talk to you for a second? Do sharks eat? I think.

I think they might, yeah. If we were in the ocean, I think they would really like us. But what if they're in a tank? We just got to try not to jump in, even though we want to so bad. All right. Let's get the sharks and we try not to jump in. Okay, I'm going to put my suit on just in case. Okay. Just in case you jump in? I don't want to jump in, but I'll put my suit on just in case.

I'm going to hide out in a bag of fish food. Hope somebody grabs me and throws me in thinking I'm food. No, no, Clem, we don't want to get eaten by the shark. I'm just putting my little tinkini on so my little piggy billy button can get some fresh air. Oh, my gosh, my sister looks so beautiful in her tank top.

Are we just going to let this happen? Is this this kind of show? I don't know that I care what happens to the picture. Put on your helmets. Fred Guinness here on the phone. Hey, Fred. If I were to invest in your greeting card company, would I get to meet Brad Garrett? Who's that?

He's a comedian. And actor. And actor, of course. Sure. I mean, maybe not a dramatic actor. Like Ray Romano has crossed over into dramatic acting. I think he could do it, though. Yeah, but Brad probably could. He was great in a season of Fargo. Oh, yeah, that's right. In a threatening kind of gangster way. I bet you're eating your words now, Scott. I truly am. Brad Garrett, if you're listening, and I hope you are, and I know you are. God, I hope Brad Garrett's listening. God, can you imagine him listening to your voice? Oh, Brad.

You're my favorite. Brad Garrett, can I send a message to Brad? Yeah, send a message to Brad. He's listening. Brad Garrett, if you're listening, this is Fred Guinness. I run the Guinness Book of World Records. And I would like to bestow upon you the world record for greatest actor in my heart. I thought you didn't do greatest. I do now! Wow. Wow.

I'd like to see Brad Garrett play Jerry Lee Lewis. American musical legend.

He's so much bigger than even a grand piano is the problem. The perspective would be wild. Dennis Quaid did great at that. We don't need another one. Who? Dennis Quaid, father of one of the best nepo babies in the world. I'm unfamiliar. I'm from Japan. Jack Quaid, he was on two episodes this year. Did he say anything problematic? No, but Scott said something very problematic around him. He's not going to sue me, I don't think. Dennis Quaid holds the record for craziest brother. What?

No, he's not the craziest brother. He has the craziest brother. Well, pig shit twins, I don't know, guys. We got more. There's something about pig shit twins. It's like they're just inactive and then they come to life and it's terrifying. We were asleep in full hibernation there for that last couple of minutes. To be honest, I'll take a little more because I'm realizing I didn't CC one of the guests.

And that's why they haven't showed up. So I just texted them and they're coming by. So we have some time. Meanwhile, this guest who you've spent the last hour and a half badmouthing for being bad. Now they're wondering where they are because it's not like them to be late. Wow. What's that? You called him a piece of shit. Yeah. Well, sure.

Sure. I call everyone a piece of shit. Anyway, Pink Shit Twins, go ahead. Scott, if you don't like our poems, you can always spank us. Spank us, Scott. Scott, sit down. Oh, damn. Sorry, Terry, since I can't do it. What was that calfskin glove you were putting on? Finger by finger. He's not actually standing up. It just looks that way. Oh, wait.

Awake, glad heart. Get up and sing. It is the birthday of thy king. Away, away, away in a manger. I keep my poops for later in a small little container. Awake, awake, light from his locks and on the wings of a whisper. Does anyone know if you can marry your sister? What do you think? What do you think? What do you think? Specific, but I think it's also universal. And before you answer, I'm pregnant. You're pregnant? Yeah, with my brother's little piggly baby.

Oh, no. Is that okay? I truly don't know. Is that okay if you're mad?

Are you mad? If it's not okay, we'll bend over now. I think it's with you guys. And if it is okay, we'll bend over now. Okay. I don't know what, Terry, is it okay? Don't ask me that, Scott. Can I get him to go ahead? Okay, you know what? I'm sorry. Can I ask a question? Yes. Maybe get us away from this a little bit. Okay. So, you know, Hallmark style movies, because the greeting cards company sometimes that spurs ideas for the films. Any of these that you would look to turn into maybe something feature length? Great. Oh,

question. Yeah, great question. Great question. So, there's a man who's in London on business. Yeah. Okay. And he's pig on the top and business on the bottom. Oh, so he's wearing like a suit, trousers. Oh, Scott, you look mad. You nailed it. Suit, trousers.

He's wearing suit trousers, six nipples up top, big piggy snout. Okay, got it. He works in an office building. He meets a British baker. Okay. The British baker's only six months old. Oh, boy. And they're related. And guess what? 1,000 babies. We're in the piggy jamboree. Bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk, bonk. Ow. Where did you get that little hammer? That's the piggy jamboree tool of the night.

Everyone will be awarded one by morning. And if you wake up without yours, it must be up your butt. Remember these specifics for our next appearance. Okay, sir. I'll say that to you as well. There's so many new things. Yeah, too many. I can't process any of this. We can't either, Scott. Yeah. Our brains are just baking. Tell you what, next time you're on just Tabula Rasa, we don't have to talk about anything you've ever talked about before.

Fabula Rasa. I love that restaurant. That's our sister's name. It is. She's wrong. I love that restaurant. And that's our sister's name. Our sister-owned restaurant. With your sister named after the restaurant? Or vice versa?

- So your sister was named after vice versa? - My sister's name is vice versa. And that's my favorite restaurant. - We got a lot of famous sisters, Tabula Rasa, Piggery Duff, all sorts of actors, singers. - Piggery Duff? - Oh yeah. - Piggery Peck?

Pegry Pig. Pegry Pig. Pegry Pig. Pegry Pig. Okay. No, don't wrap us up. No. Keep going. You got more? Keep going. We have to stall. Because we're still waiting. Snort Aukerman. He's our other brother. You don't know him. I don't know him, no. But he's also a restaurant. Remember these things. Pig F. Tompkins. The Wikipedia people are...

are just melting down right now. Hey, any relation to Peppa Pig? No. Come on, Terry. I'm curious. How old are you guys? It's a good question. We started as a single cell organism. Sure, sure. And you're counting from then? We count in cell splits. So those double sort of every day. Yeah. We're 100 million.

billion years old. Oh my God. I'm curious. You've seen everything then. You've been around since the dawn of time. You saw Adam Driver in that movie 65. Yes, that's a documentary. And if you spank us hard enough, you'll get our memories. What? Don't you want them? Wait, Terry. Don't look at me, Scott. Do I want these memories or not? You can know what the dinosaurs really look like. They all have feathers, right?

Don't you want to know if they had feathers or claw foots or what? Get that spanking hand ready. I want to spank these guys. All right. Come on over, Terry. Don't look. Wait, Scott, you can only spank one of us at a time, and one of us always spanks a lie, and one of us always spanks a truth.

Yes, see? So if you spank the wrong one... It's very simple. You spank one of us and you get a lie vision. You spank the other one and you get a true vision. Got it. All right. But you don't know which it is? You will know. I don't know which is which, but I'm going to pick whoever's named Clem. Okay, that's me. I think you need to try to avoid a lot of people. He's putting on his glove.

- Wait, wait, let me put the butter on your rump. - All right, butter my rump. - Okay, I'm buttering it up. - All right, here I go. - Oh, a double. - Oh, another double. - What are you seeing, Scott? What are you seeing? - I'm seeing... - They all have feathers. - Yes, the dinosaurs had feathers.

They have green, green, green skin, wrinkly skin. Okay, so far, true. Okay, you don't know. They have clawed foots. It's like you're keeping time. And they have Groucho glasses. Uh-oh.

Clem, you're the one who has the visions of the lies. Mine's the lie ass. And you made your choice. That hand's not coming to anywhere near me now because I'm allergic to butter. Weren't you the one buttering him? Never mind. I buttered him, but I did it with something else. Oh, okay, got it. A baseball glove. I know what that is. You're speaking your language. Now you're speaking my language, big lady.

My boyfriend is so good at baseball. I love you, Hawaii. I love you. We are running out of time for this segment. I'm so sorry. But Pigshit Twins, are you guys sticking around? Of course. Of course you. Terry, I need you to leave, though. Yeah, I'm out the door already. I figured. Fred, Jason, you guys are sticking around? I have to go, unfortunately. Fred, you're leaving? Yeah, Ted stuck a fork in the socket. No.

Oh, no. Yeah. I have to take him to the Irish emergency room. Okay. What's that called? Which is just a pub. Okay. What about you, Shohei? So how did this get made in Ireland coming up in March? Oh, my God. Wait. Who's this? Scott. Who's this? How are you, friend? Wait. This is me.

OJ Claus. OJ Claus. OJ Claus. Coming in right before the break. Yeah, I heard that your lawyer was here and I was wondering if you could represent me. I'm begging you to kill me. Why would I ever do that? Terry, I have a glove you could use in your defense. Scott, Scott, kill me. Please drop me in the pool. Take me out. Is this fun for Christmas? I don't know.

I just wanted you to represent me. What's going on in your life now? You need representation. I'm getting a lot of entertainment opportunities. You are really? Yes. Naked gun for? Yep. It's coming back. It's happening. Hot off the presses. Well, I need someone to look over the contract. All right. You know what? I'm in the hole for a lot of money because I signed a contract where any debts of Scott transfer over to me if he doesn't pay them. You didn't tell me that. I could just not pay them. Holy shit. I'm back in the moment.

Why did you slap a pig shit twin just now? What does Jesus look like? Okay. Big brown beard.

Right? White robe. Wrong. You picked the wrong twin. Damn it. Well, OJ Claus, it's a Christmas miracle. So good to see you. Great to see you too, Scott. But now we're going to break. Take care. We do have to take a break. We're going to come right back. We have even more, if you can believe it, and someone who's coming frantically driving over. We'll be right back with more comedy after this. Yeah.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jason Mantzouk is still with us. Yeah, here we are. I meant in life as well. Still alive. Still alive. Still alive. And Shohei Otani is still with us. Konichiwa. Konichiwa. Your wife had to leave though. She did. My lady. She's not my wife yet. She's not your wife yet. Not my wife yet. Are you trying to put a ring on that finger? Especially with the new 700. You got to get that prenup. Scott, get out of my business. I'm so sorry. Yes, please.

A prenuptial agreement will be in play because I am making more money than most athletes make in their entire. Yeah, more than LeBron ever will. Over $700 million. That's just off the top of my head. Just salary. Who told you that, Scott? No one. I just know these things.

We also have the Pigshit Twins are here. Hi, Scott. It's Pigshit. It is Pigshit. I got a Christmas wish. Oh, okay. I got a Christmas dish. Okay. I want to hear the Christmas wish and I want to taste the Christmas dish. And they rhyme. Okay. I would like a functioning eye. I want to be your big old pie. Thank you. Thank you.

Great. All right. I cannot grant the eye. Okay, I thought I'd ask. But can you make a pie or is she making me a pie? Can I please make you a pie, Scott? Sure, make me a pie. Oh, please. Yeah, I would love one. Thank you so much. I'm gonna

put something naughty in it. Oh, really? Like what? Something sicko. Oh, okay. Gosh, I don't know that I want any of that. And we do need to get to our next guest. He's never been on the show before, but look, it's the holidays. We love to open our doors to anyone. Please welcome to the show Dr. Marty Goldstein. Hey, Scott. I'm so happy to be here, Scott. This is one of the great honors to be able to be on this podcast in support of

My newest veterinarian high-protein diet for dogs. And I'd love to just come here and talk all about it. Yeah, I guess we could. Are you a dog owner, Scott Aukerman? I mean, I do, yeah. I have two non-gender dogs, yes. Okay, great. He's a pig owner, too. Oh, a pig just spoke to me. Is he your owner or is he separately an owner? No, I don't own you guys.

You can own a scalp. These are the pig shit twins. Oh, your names precede you. Yes, you know us. You know everything about us. Are you still married to Jason Manzoukas from your proposal in the last episode? No, he's our daddy. That's what it was. He's our daddy, and it's bacon Manzoukas.

You can marry us if you want to. Always more room for love in Pig World. And even though I believe this is your first appearance on the show, you know the lore of the pig ship. Well, I know the last episode of the show, of course. And of course, every time this season comes around, I bop my family and I sing a little poem like the pig ship. Oh, for the piggy jamboree, of course. For the piggy jamboree. I forgot what it was called, which is hard because it's at the end of every single poem. Yeah, yeah.

So I guess you can go into this. I mean, it's... I guess you can go... I've never met this guy before. I guess you can do whatever it is you came to do. We're at the tail end of a long holiday episode. I don't know who you are, but if you want to go into your business, you can. It's not his fault. Why are you mad at him about it? I'm the rudest person at this table in 2020.

Two of us are pigs. Going forward, should the person, anyone listening who's going to come in at the end, should they have less to do? I don't know. Do you want them to have less of an idea as it goes on? No, no, I love your ideas. I just, I've never seen you from Adam. That's dangerous for this show. I don't know who you are. Don't make the pig shit twins look bad by coming in with a premise after them.

Well, Depiction Twins had a whole poem that they maybe wrote like the Postal Service is what I'm imagining where they sent it back and forth. You're close. I

I felt like I was experiencing a once-in-a-lifetime thing just hearing them, but I am Dr. Marty Goldstein. Okay, that's covered at this point. All of my animals that I feed my high-protein diet are Marty's miracles. Okay. Goldilocks. A Shibu Inu. A Shibu Inu.

A Shibu. A Shibu Inu. On death's door with melanoma. Six years old, sick as a dog. His owners put him on Dr. Marty Goldstein's high meat diet. And now Goldilocks is digging holes, chasing moles, and surfing with Grohl. That's just one of the- Yeah, of course. No.

It is one example of Marty's miracles. The problem, Scott, is you, like other dog owners, do not give your dog a high-protein diet. Okay. How high does the protein have to be? Full protein. They're on the cave dog diet. Okay. So 100% protein. All protein all the time, Scott Aukerman. And these dogs, I see these dogs and their owners think they're sick, they're untreatable, and I say, what are you feeding them? They say kibble. They say whatever falls off the table. And I say, there's not enough protein.

meat in there. There's got to be something in between kibble and whatever falls off the table. I'm telling you what they say to me, Scott Ockerman. Okay, all right. It could be all sorts of things. Sure. But we need to take the dogs back to the cave dog days. Okay. High protein all the time. Not a single sick dog has gone on my diet and died because of it that I know of. But dogs have died?

In the world? These dogs that you've had on your diet have died? Oh, certainly. Life comes to an end for everybody at some point. Everything dies. That's a fact. Everything, yeah. Everything that dies may soon come back. That's the theme of this show, right? Yes. Everything dies.

Yes, and the dogs that eat Marty Goldstein's miracle high-protein diet, it's not a miracle like Jesus Christ. They're not coming back to life forever or whatever he did. I'm not saying that you're claiming that they're coming back to life from already being dead. Well, they are, Scott. What? You are saying that. You have like a Lazarus-type food? I'd like to think so. I think if anyone's selling you a product, doesn't believe it'll bring you back to life, they are giving you a bad product that they don't believe in. Does anyone here have a dead dog with them?

I don't have a dead dog. I have a dead dog. How many do you want? What do you have? Me? Well, my mother died a few years back. Oh, yes. And I'd love just one more hug.

Is that possible to do it on people? Am I speaking to OJ Claus? OJ Claus, yes. Just from looking at you, that's the only thing I could think of to call you. Yes, OJ Claus. I bring gifts. I come bearing gifts. And I'm Shohei Ohtani.

Konnichiwa. Hello to you both, gentlemen. But yeah, I could shove some of Marty Goldstein's high-protein diet into your dog's mouth. I think your issue was your dead grandma? Mother. Mother, excuse me. Yeah.

You can shove it in her mouth and then what? And then bring her back to life. It usually only works on dogs, but we could try it on OJ's dead mom. And to be clear, it's just high protein. It's just meat. It's just meat. So this is like the liver king treatment for dogs. Not familiar. Is that the tiger king? The second tiger king? Yeah, it's a sequel.

Do they do a cold plunge? The dogs? Oh, yeah, the whole thing. Because cave dogs, it was freezing all the time for them. So you've got to put dogs back in the elements they grew up in. Now, obviously, Scott Aukman's dogs, they're living in sin. I don't know what you mean by that.

Are they married? I mean, I put them in the same cage. And are they married, Scott Ackerman? I don't think we married. It's not official. Okay, they're living in sin. It's okay to admit. It's not embarrassing. It's just the truth. They're genderless, you said? Yeah, well, I don't like to call them by their gender. What I mean to say is I misgendered them earlier in the show. Somehow. Well.

Well, to me, that's your business, and I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Yeah, get out of my business, right? Shohei? Right. Konnichiwa. Is that just your catchphrase? It's just hello, right? That's it. I'm not doing anything offensive. I love ending everything with hello. It's like saying hello. Konnichiwa.

That catchphrase don't make no sense. It's pig shit. And is that hello in your language? It's goodbye. Wait, you've been saying goodbye this whole time? Goodbye. You haven't left, I have to say, much to our chagrin. We can't until our pig butts fill up with pus. That's a piggy jamboree. Daisy a beagle. In a coma.

Diagnosed with freaky fur. Nine years old, seeing the light, sick as a dog. Wait a minute. Four months on Marty Goldstein's diet of steak, eggs, sausage, pulled pork, and now Daisy is chasing squirrels, humping girls, and buying pearls. Scott Aukerman, you need to get on Dr. Marty's miracle diet. I do myself or my dogs do? Your dogs do, but I speak through your ears. If you want a hump of girls,

- Oh, Scott, you better get on it. - Sausage. - Sausage. - So this is like an East Coast, New Jersey, Long Island sausage? - East Coast, New Jersey, Long Island, or like West Coast moved into an expensive neighborhood, but they got Frank Sinatra all over the walls, so you believe it. - Sounds like my house. ♪ A konichiwa ♪ - OJ, that's Shohei's catchphrase. - That dog.

I'm just saying. Konnichiwa. Well, these are great success stories. I agree, Scott. Do you have more? Well, of course I do, you know? And if you go to martysmiracles.com, you can get this for your dogs. We can marry your dog. It's not a thing I do, but I can do it for you. Why are you offering that if it's not a thing you do? I don't know. I'm not looking for it. Because I want to be needed.

Don't you associate with that feeling? Is that part of your thing? You just want to be needed? It's part of the human thing. I guess so. I'm here and I just want you to need me around. You're saying you're not going to feed your dogs my high-protein miracle diet? I'll marry them. I don't care. Are you married, Doctor?

Dr. Marty Goldstein is single. Are you Dr. Marty Goldstein? That's me, yeah. Okay, why do you say it like that? Well, because it's embarrassing because I'd like to be married. Have you been close ever? Well, I've proposed to my living girlfriend a few times, but she's turned me down. Your living girlfriend? I saw her sitting in that chair. She looks dead. She looked dead to me. Rob Zombie wrote a song about her about 15 years ago.

I just went to marty.com and it says 404 not found. Yes. I'm trying to get to martysmiracles.com as you promote it, but I have found Dr. Marty Pets as heard on Sirius Satellite Radio. Oh, that's my number one enemy. I

Not even competitor, actual enemy. Oh, this is my number one enemy. This is a nemesis for you. This guy takes what I do and he makes it a laughing stock. Advertises on SiriusXM, which as far as I understand was supposed to be no commercials. Now you're listening to Team Coco Radio and I got a hearing ad for how Johnny Carson's got a network or they got eight other artists from the chain. Carson's got a network? Yeah, they gave Carson a network.

You shouldn't be allowed to give a dead person a network. Team Car Car? Team Car Car, Team Jar Jar. Jar Jar Binks has his own network? Yes, and I can't hide nor hair on that radio station. But of course, Dr. Marty Pets. Dr. Marty Pets. He makes dog and cat food. Oh, he does cats too? Yes.

You don't do cats? Me too. I do now. I do now. I mean, it's all the same stuff, right? No, Scott. It's high protein. You take cats' food away, right? Yeah, it's the reverse of what I do with dogs. Do you ever go down to the pet cemetery? Is that a euphemism for cunnilingus? We don't need to talk about that. I don't know. Oh, you found me out. Right on, brothers.

Me and my Hawaiian lady are always going down to the pet cemetery. Konnichiwa! So now OJ comes in and says the catchphrase at the end of Shohei's jokes? I'm just saying. Konnichiwa.

Well, look, Dr. Marty, I need you. You can stick around if you like. Oh, that's all I want is to be needed, Scott. We still have a couple more guests. I can't wait to meet them. Yeah, you want to stick around? Yeah, yeah. I mean, you know, I'd love to watch the Lakers-Pacers game at 5, but as long as we're done before then, I'm fine. Okay, sure. Yeah, I can guarantee you we'll be done by- And I have YouTube TV, which DVRs every game. You just put it in there if you have League Pass or whatever. Okay, I don't need the details on this. I'm not interested. But if I DVR the game, I just can't go onto X or anything like that because it'll be spoiled for me.

for me. Formerly Twitter? That's right. We need to get to our next guest. He's been on the show a couple times, I believe. I don't know how he fits it in necessarily, but because he is the world's busiest man. Please welcome to the show, back for a third time, I believe, Ned Bellinella, the world's busiest man. Hey, Scott, how you doing? I'm doing good. How are you? Jesus Christ, I can't believe I'm here. Yeah, I can't believe you're here either. My God. Fucking A. Fucking A.

I didn't realize you cursed so much. Oh, no, I do. Oh, okay. You were cursing. I started cursing, yeah. Oh, okay, great. I was stressed out. How'd you fit it in? I don't know. I celebrate all the holidays. I celebrate Christmas. I celebrate Hanukkah, Kwanzaa. I celebrate Lemon Feast. Lemon Feast? I haven't heard of that. Oh, that's where you celebrate all the fruit that makes your face frown. Smooth. Yes. Basically, you sleep with a grapefruit between your knees.

And you leave a little lemon zest on the nightstand for Lemon Larry. Got it. Oh, for Lemon Larry. Yes. He visits you in the middle of the night. Yeah. Then you pray down to a big lemon. A big citron. You know what I'm talking about? Those big lemons? I haven't heard anything. I know the big lemons. They're fucking huge. Right. Okay. Got it. Okay. Well, it's great to have you on the show. Welcome back. Now, last time I was here, you had to sign an NDA. Do you remember that? I do remember. Well, you didn't have to sign another one. Yes. Okay. Because it fucked up last time. All my clients were pissed off. No. What happened? Well, they got sued.

Because all their private information was released. Oh, shit. I'm so sorry. Repeat after me. Can you repeat after me? Okay, I'll repeat after you. I, Scott Aukerman. I, Scott Aukerman. Am aware these calls may contain. Am aware these calls may contain. Things and topics of a violent and sexual nature. Okay, I don't know. God, I wish Larry was still here. Things and topics of a violent nature. And sexual. And I condone them. And I condone them.

I condone them. Okay, I condone them. And I will not report it to authorities. And I will not report it to authorities? And if I do, I give you full permission. I give you full permission? To give me the big blue pickle in bed. To give me the big blue pickle in bed. All right, sir. Okay. All right, now you signed it. All right, I signed it, yeah. Oh, excuse me. I'm getting... Oh, you're getting a call? Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry. I'm getting a phone call. Hello? Yes, hello? Yes, is this the Pumpernickel Times? Yes.

Yes, so no, I have a big scoop. Yes. Uh-huh. No, Bagel Boy is putting not enough pumpernickel in the bagels. Yes. Yeah, no, they're barely brown. It's a huge scandal. Yes. No, I'd like to renew my subscription to Pumpernickel Times, too. Yes, six years, please. $1,500? Okay, what's your Venmo? Pumpernickel with a B, so bumpernickel. Okay, and the nickel is a dime, so bumperdime. Okay, got it. And why is that? Why is it bumperdime, by the way? It's a secret. Oh, hold on a second. That's my alarm. Hello? Hello?

Oh, that's my alarm. It was just my alarm. You don't need to say hello to an alarm. No, I don't need to say hello to an alarm. No, what's your alarm for, though? It's a Honda alarm. What do you mean by a Honda alarm? Honda, Honda, Honda, Honda. It lets me know. I just have to check if my car is parked in front of my ex-wife's house. Oh, okay. You have to check if your car is parked in front. Yes, I want to scare her, so I park it right in front of the house. Okay, all right.

Is it there? It's there right now. Okay. It's currently there. Yes. Okay. So is she scared? Yes. I just do a find my iPhone and it's in there. Oh, great. Okay. Got it. Yes. Yes. Anyway. Wonderful. Yes. Oh, sorry. I'm getting another phone call. Yes. I'm a funeral director. You know I have a ton of jobs. Oh, yes. Hello. Yes. Hi. Yes. I have a problem. Yes. So listen. I have a problem with your grandfather's body.

Yeah, here's the problem. He was a very tall man, so I couldn't fit him in the casket. Right. Well, I had two choices. I could bend his legs or I could bend his head. Well, I bent his head. I put a rod right against his nose and I bent his forehead right against his chin. And then it looked... Here's the problem. It looked like a purse after that. And, you know, I couldn't help myself, so I put coins in it. Yes. Anyway, listen, I'd like to offer you and your family 15% off on any casket for any women who die in the next five months. Okay. Well, thank you. See you on Tuesday. Bye-bye.

What's happening Tuesday? Everything's happening Tuesday. Oh, everything. I plan everything on Tuesday. Oh, got it. Yes. Yeah. That's a good day to do it all. It's a good day. Because then if you finish, you're free for the rest of the week. I'm free for the rest of the week. Yes. Exactly. Do you do stuff? Do I do stuff? Yes. I do. What kind of stuff do you do? I do this podcast occasionally. What are you doing for the Christmas holidays? Oh, you know, I'm probably sticking around here. What's this? What is that? Hold on a second. That's Bruva. You know Bruva? Oh, Bruva. Bruva's not supposed to talk. Yes. Hello? Bruva.

Hello? Hello? Bruva? Hello? Yes. Hello, Bruva? Hello? Yes. Hi, are you there? Yes. Yes. Okay, Bruva, I have to ask you a question. Yes. Okay, can you please set my grandmother... Yes. Wait a second, Bruva. Wait a second, could you please... Hi, how can I help? Okay, Bruva's my Siri. Yeah, Bruva's your assistant, your personal assistant. I'd like you to set my grandmother's thermostat to 95. Yes. Okay. Okay.

And I would like you to also turn on her stereo to the highest volume. Excuse me? Thank you. And I want you to turn all the lights off in the house. Okay, sure. Okay, great. And I want you now to play the song Lean Back by Fat Joe for the next six hours. Thank you, Bruva. Okay. Bruva. Yes.

That's all happening at your house right now? That's my mother's house. That's your mother's house. Yeah, I'm trying to scare the shit out of everyone in my family. Why? Why not? That's a good point. I'm curious to see what happens. That's why I'm also raising my child as a cat. Oh, you are? Really? Yes, why not? I've heard about this. Litterboxes in school? Litterboxes in school, yes. You know. Yeah, it's real. It happens. Fish on the floor. Sure, sure.

Fountains in the room. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yes. They love running water, cats, don't they? They love it. They love it. Do you like running water? I love running water. Like where? I love it everywhere I can get it. Do you ever throw paper towels in the toilet and just hold down the flusher? Sometimes, yeah. Okay. That's what I do. Yeah. All right. Fuck you for judging me. Hold on a second.

Hold on a second. Yes. You're getting another call? Yes, I'm getting another call from Toy Town. Toy Town. Hello, is this Toy Town? Yes, I need gifts for my 13 children, please. You writing this down? Okay, here goes. I need a big toe for Little Moe. I need a new Barbie for Rude Marty. I need a plastic ass for Kyle Gass. I need a big hot fruit to make me toot. I need a gurney for Miley, a Furby for Riley, and a stogie for Maroney. And an amoni, um, for diarrhea coming out of my fat bum. Okay.

Okay, and I need a Tylenol PM for MP. See you tonight, directly under the moon. Bye-bye. Okay, so that was sorry. That was Toy Town. That was Toy Town. Yes. Wow, and so you're the father of Kyle Gantz. I'm the father. Do you know him?

He's been on the show before. Oh, which Tenacious D are you talking about? The one with Jack Black? Yeah, that one. No, that's not him. Oh, different Kyle Gale. Yes. He's in a different Tenacious D as well. In a different Tenacious D. This is with Mike White. Oh, I see. Not Jack Black. Got it, yeah. You see, yeah. White and Black. Yes, White and Black. Anyway, how you doing? I'm doing good. You don't need to ask how I'm doing. I'm here to talk to you about tips and tricks for the holidays. Oh, I understand.

No idea you had a segment. Yes, I have a segment. Okay, Ned Bellinell is tips and tricks for the holiday. Well, it's about organization. Okay. Right? So the first thing you want to do is get organized. Sure. Okay? Hold on a second. Jesus Christ. Someone else calling you. It's the Westfield Mall. Oh, okay. Yes, I'm going to be a Santa this summer. Hello? Yes. Summer, not summer. This winter. Yes. Hi. Hi. Yes. Yes.

Okay. Yes, hi, Uzi. Yeah, well, I do a traditional Santa. That's right, I got the long black socks. Mm-hmm. And the beard down to my chin. What do you mean that's not a big beard? Okay. I got two gold hoop earrings and a backwards hat made of straw. Yeah, no, no, no, there'll be blood on my back. Yeah, there'll be blood. Yes. Okay, I'll meet you behind a garbage heap at the JCPenney. 2 a.m. Yes, got it. Don't scare the kids.

Okay, but scream at the parents. Gotcha. Okay, sorry about that. Okay, no problem. You're doing that for the holidays. I'm doing that, yes. I got a mall Santa job. I had nothing else to do. Okay, I was worried there would be no blood on your back. Well, you know you have to have blood on your back for this job. Right, okay. And how do you usually get blood on your back? I don't have a technique for it. You don't have a technique? Yeah. How do you do it? Oh, I just dip my back in a big trench.

Of blood. Of blood. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, that's the way I would do it. Uh-oh, someone's coming. Oh, no. Oh, shit. It's a guy with glasses. Oh, no. Are you scared of guys with glasses? I am. I'm terrified. It's a peculiar fear. Yes, no, it's a really bad fear. And then, hold on a second. Oh, someone else called? Oh, it's my instrument nurse. Oh, okay.

What is an instrument nurse? It's someone who fixes... It has two different rings. It has two different rings. That's two different phone calls. I have a burner phone, too. Yes, hi. Yes, hi. I need my tuba unclogged. Yes. Tuba for the picture. Well, I'm trying to blow through it. Uh-huh. And the noise is really low. It sounds like a sick St. Bernard. Yes, exactly. What do you mean, what did I put in it? Well, how long do you have? Well, I put a few rags. I stuffed it with rags and mud and a ton of glue.

Yes, and then I banged down on it with a hammer as hard as I could. Why? Well, I was curious. No, I don't want to buy a new one. My ex-wife gave it to me. Yes, I am single.

Tuesday? Sure, I'll fuck you. Yeah, that went quick, right? Yeah. That's how it usually goes with me. Ended well, too. Yes. I'm too busy to fuck, usually, though. Yeah, I'm so sorry. Yeah, do you get your fucking in over the holidays? You try to. You have to. You try to, yes. It's an intimate time. It's an intimate time, but it's a busy time. Yes, that's right. That's why I've...

whittled my ejaculation time down to about five seconds. You can do it in five? Five seconds, yes. And three of those are the ejaculation. Oh, okay. What are the other two comprised of? The two of them is talking dirty and then moaning. Oh, okay. Talking dirty for one second and moaning for another. That's how quick I get it. Wow, incredible. How you doing, Scott? Don't worry about me.

Okay. Interested in you. This is the most amount of eye contact I've ever seen Scott make. I am just holding on to your life. I'm feeling something here, by the way. Walk in. I'm busy Tuesday. That's what you're thinking about. That's what I was, yes. Oh my God, hold on a second. What's going on? It's my patient. Oh no. Oh no, yes. I'm a doctor on the side. You're a doctor on the side. Yes, hi. Hi, is this Valerie? It's Dr. Bellinella, yes.

Yeah, so I have your MRI right in front of me, and it looks like what we thought was a tumor was actually... Well, it's a big GoPro, honey. GoPro? You swallowed one last week? Well, next time tell me so I don't tell your daughters that you're dead. Yes. Okay, well...

And by the way, why did you swallow the GoPro? Right, because you wanted to see what it was like as food going down the tube. Yeah, that makes sense. No, I get it. Hold on a second. What is that? That's my Honda. Okay, looks like my wife. She's there. She's still there. She's still there.

Scaring the shit out of me. I thought you were just checking on the haunted, not your wife. Well, I am. I am. But there is a camera, a ring camera, attached to the side of the car so I can check my wife out. Got it. Understand. Yes. Okay. Yes. That must be all that's going on with you, though, right, Ned Bell? No, obviously not. Why? What else is happening during the holidays? I have a ton more things. Well, I...

I can do all sorts of different phone calls here. Do you want to do phone calls? You know I have to call. Oh, you're calling people. I'm actually calling. Oh, no. They're all happening at the same time. I told you I celebrate Hanukkah, too. That's right. Yes. Well, hold on. I'm planning the Hanukkah parade. Oh, what do you got? Yes. Hello? Hi. Okay. Well, listen. I really wanted to plan this Hanukkah parade, but there's slim pickings out there, okay? Okay.

Okay, so here's what I got. I got the Jewish brothers. They're just like the Jonas brothers, but they're all weak and sick. I got a pastrami float with red pastrami on it. I got the mayor of Long Island coming. Yes. Uh-huh. And then I have some guy named Diddle Shiddle coming. I don't know what the fuck that means. I'm so sorry. Uh-huh. And I got Roseanne Barr's cousin, Suki Barr. Yes, she's very violent. And I've got a wet, broken shofar in a bag, if that's okay. Okay.

Yes, and I got Pauly Schnorr. He's going to be sneezing there. Yes. Uh-huh, and I somehow got Paul Simon, who's agreed to kiss a dead white fish. Okay, I'll see you Tuesday. Bye-bye. Wait, you're going to fit that person in Tuesday as well? Tuesday, yes. Is this a polyamorous situation? With who? You and me? No, no, no. You're too busy to fuck me. I always feel like you're flirting with me. No, I don't think so, Nick. Okay. Okay, but...

I'm glad that you have all that taken care of. Yes, yes. No, everything's down pat. Everything's down pat. Yes, I have everything taken care of. I actually got a new assistant. You did? Wait, I thought that Bruba was your assistant. I do. Bruba's my assistant, but she has a son. Oh, Bruba has a son? Yeah, named Skibi. Skibi? Yes, and he's like ChatGPT. He's an advanced Bruba. Oh, okay. Can we hear from Skibi? Yes. Skibi go wow.

That's about it. That's all it does. That's all it does right now. It just says, Skibi, go out. Just that's the extent of it. Skibi, go out. Uh-huh. How would that come into handy? Well, I don't know yet. I haven't been in a situation. Okay. Well, actually, you know what you could do? What's that? Say something amazing. Uh.

Say something amazing. Wow. That's such a weird one. This is a scathing indictment. Unbelievable. You can't even say something amazing. Whoever says something amazing. Just say something. Christ, my Lord. Say something boring. Christ was born on this very day. Wow. There you go. That work for you? Not really. Ruba? Yes. Am I bigger than 5'1"? Yes. Thank you. Okay. Anyway, so...

Oh, hold on a second. One more call. One more call. I saw it vibrating before. You see, I'm an intimacy coordinator. Oh, really? On set? Yes. Hello? Well, you have to get consent from the horse, sweetie. Yes. No, you have to. I don't know. Put a pen in its mouth. Yes. What do you mean it's not valid? Then dip its hoof in ink and put it on a piece of paper. And what's the horse's mom saying? Well, then give her an apple and have her shut the fuck up.

Sorry about that. Worth it. Yes. That one was worth it. Absolutely. They're all worth it. Hey, look, it's your life. Everything is worth it. Yes, everything is worth it. That's right. By the way, the Pigshit Twins got very excited hearing about hoofs. Yes, and us too. Are you guys into hoofs? Oh, ring, ring, ring, ring. We're calling you now, bitch. Hello? Yes, hi. It's the Pigshit Twins. It's Pigshit Twins. How can I help you? What would you like?

How are you? Holy shit. How are you? You called to schmooze? Yeah, you seem like you're busy, so we wanted to check in and see if you wanted to... Who's Diddle Shittle? I wish I knew. Diddle Shittle is a short little man with corned beef for hair. I love him. You celebrate Piggy Jamboree? Yeah, I do. I do. Because Diddle Shittle is a part of our folklore. Is he? Wow. Yeah, we eat his hair.

Can I tell you a secret about Dittleshit? Yes. His breath smells like Pico Robinson. You've smelled it? Wow. Anyway, so Scott, yeah, I'm here all day. Oh, you're here all day? Unfortunately, the show's going to end soon. Oh, okay. Yeah, we only have time for one. Well, I, you know, I set aside some time. You're miming something. No one can see me. I set aside this. You set aside this. Yeah, exactly. I set aside this, yeah. So anyway, I'm here. Yeah, well, we only have time for one last guest.

They're the person that I didn't realize I didn't CC, and I don't know who they are, but please introduce yourself, sir. Yes, how are you doing? Before I start saying anything, how long would you like me to talk? Five minutes. Five minutes? All right. I am a devil. I am from hell, and I'm here for human souls. Got it. What's that? Got it. Not the devil. Not the devil. I'm lower down. Got it. My name's Harvey. Who did we have last year? Weinstein.

Oh, man. Put away your plants, everyone. Are you Harvey Weinstein?

I'm not Harvey Weinstein. No, I'm not Harvey Weinstein. You said you're the devil. I happen to have the name Harvey, but I'm not Harvey. Last year, I wasn't here. There was somebody named the Anniversary Man who was a mythical creature. I'm not mythical. I'm quite real. I'm a devil from hell here to get human souls. Named Harvey, not Harvey Weinstein. What's your favorite movie you've produced? I haven't produced any movies. Listen, that man is an implorable...

I'm an implorable man and I have nothing to do with it. Do you remember partying with me back in the 90s?

No, no. I wasn't partying with anybody in the 90s. I exist in the shadows. I come out to tempt men to sell their souls. Okay, whose soul do you want to buy? Anybody around here? Anybody around here. I got to get a quota. I got to get two for the year. You need two more. Two more for the year. Wow. I mean, it's like, I'm really desperate to remember. You're really procrastinating. What happened was I got to stay at a sandals resort and I lost track of time.

You ever been to a sandals? Never. It's a great time. Why do they call it sandals? Because you wear sandals when you're there? You can wear sandals. Yes. It's just, it's a metaphor for how relaxed you are. Like other places aren't named after the things you're wearing when you're there. You don't go to like the flip-flop resort. Mark this with the Hallmark card bit. This is good.

Picture twins, do you guys have souls? Because he only needs two. We have hooves. We don't have souls. You don't have souls? I'll take hooves. Yeah, sure. OJ Simpson, you probably already sold yours. To whom? I don't know, but... I was going to ask. You were staying at a Sandals, but have you ever stayed at a Hedonism dude? So popular they had to make a sequel. Right? Yeah.

I haven't stayed there. No, no. I've stayed at the Sandals. I lost track of time. I just woke up yesterday. Okay. So you need two more. I need two more souls. Yes. Shohei Otani, you probably already sold your soul to get all that money. No, I just played basketball well. Baseball. Baseball.

You don't even know the sport. Cut that out. Sorry, we're out of our post budget for the year. Cut that out. You're a baseball player. I'd love to have your soul. That would be great. I could fulfill your wildest dreams. What is something you haven't done yet that you wish you could do? Well, let's see. I just made $700 million today. So unless you can pay more than that, I'm going to keep my own. I got a limited budget. I can get you $5,000.

in cash by the end of tomorrow and I could get you I could pay you a college credit at Santa Barbara Community College. You can give college credit for community colleges? I have a deal with Santa Barbara. I got the soul of a dean there. A Dean Dozell? Yeah.

I knew it. The wickedly talented. The wickedly talented. She is a dean at Santa Barbara Community College. Wow. In addition to her more famous career. Yeah, and I got her soul. And so. Well, what about Dr. Marty Goldstein? You're lonely. Well, I'm not lonely. I just want my living dead.

girl to marry me. But I'd sell my soul. I'd always wanted to be a really good guitar player. Well, I could do it. I could do it. I could make you a... Let me see here. Okay, I gotta... Okay. I could make you a really reliable rhythm guitarist. Like showing up for appointments reliable? Yeah, you'd show up on time. I could make it that you'd show up on time. So what's...

popular about me is not my skill but my reliability the rep the rep you would have in the industry would be real solid he's not talented but he'll come to the game i wouldn't say you're not talented i mean you're you're serviceable would you be able to do sessions like a session guitarist maybe live in nashville rhythm guitars as soon as somebody okay yeah he's not late he's not soloing he is just show up on time and you're not going to cause any problems you know what you mean you're so you really are a guitar yeah huh huh what

What kind of guitar? Fender Stratocaster, maybe? Yeah, I'd get a Fender Stratocaster. I mean, the kind that's made in Mexico. So you don't even have a guitar? He needs to provide it? Yeah, I mean, I don't have any of the equipment. I'll get you a guitar. Would people know my name? Would I be on the album?

You'd be on the album. I don't think they'd know you. If they were a real nutcase. Fuck you, the devil. All right, that's fine. It's not the devil. My name's Harvey. I wish I was the devil. Oh, yeah, that's right. I love the Scream movies, and I wish you weren't associated with them. I'm not Harvey Weinstein. Oh, please put me in the movie, Mr. Weinstein. Make me your little piggy starlet. I'm not Mr. Weinstein, but if you wanted to be a piggy starlet, and he wanted to give me your- You call me a pig, you son of a bitch. Don't you call my sister girlfriend that. Don't call me a pig.

I thought, did you say...

The pig shit twins are getting really pissed off. Fuck you. Fuck you. Okay. All right. Well, what about Ned Bellinello? What about me? Yeah. Maybe you want to sell yourself for more time. Sure. Yeah. Can I sell my soul for more time? Yes. Yes. I can get you on this podcast. I'm so sorry. That's my snake milker. Hold on a second. What's going on? Yes. Hello? Yes. Okay. So where do I squeeze it? Uh-huh. Between the tonsils and the throat. Okay. Right into a frying pan? Okay.

Okay, the woman who needs to die is 63. That'll work. Okay, thank you. Sorry about that. Not at all. This is why he needs more time. Yes, you're so busy. You've been taking all your calls right into the microphone. I am. Just out loud. Well, that's what I do. Fuck you. Fuck you, Harvey Weinstein. Fuck you, Harvey Weinstein. Fuck you, Harvey Weinstein. Unbelievable. This Christmas, we don't want Harvey Weinstein in our lives. I'm not Harvey Weinstein.

I'm just a devil. I'm just a Satan. I'm a lower Satan. This whole time, Scott's been like, Harvey Weinstein's so late for the record. Yeah. Then he shows up and we don't like anything he's talking about. I'm getting told, fuck off by everybody here. I don't think I've said a socially unacceptable thing.

I'll get you an extra hour a day. Okay, that sounds amazing. I'll get you an extra hour in your day so you can get stuff done. What do I have to give you? Your soul. Okay, okay. What does that mean? What does that entail? It means you sign a contract and you live out your mortal days and when you die, you go to hell. And then I oversee you. Okay. You work for me down in hell. And you're not Harvey Weinstein. No, I'm not Harvey Weinstein. Are you making movies? He's Will Hines pretending to be.

to be Harvey Weinstein. I don't know what you're talking about. I feel like you're describing the plot of Good Will Hunting right now. Yeah. Love that movie. Why are you wearing a Miramax shirt? I'm a fan. I'm a fan of the brand. Well, it's also Miriam and Max named after your parents. Yeah. It's not my parents. Well, you said yeah. No, no, but I'm agreeing that it is named after Harvey Weinstein's parents. Look, I love 90s Miramax films. Who's Cinemax named after? Hey, Bruba? Hello? Yes, hey, Bruba, is Will Hines

Harvey Weinstein? Yes. Okay. I'm sorry. Yeah, Bruba knows it. Well, I guess I'm not Will Hines, so I don't have to worry about that. If this Will Hines character is Harvey Weinstein. Will Hines is akin to Harvey Weinstein. I love that. Please don't quote that. I don't think that's something we need in a reproducible form. I think that is, though, the takeaway. That's the takeaway. Takeaway from this Christmas.

Yeah, okay. I feel like Scooby says the same thing. Of course. Scooby-Go-Wow. Scooby-Go-Wow. Scooby-Go-Wow, of course, yeah. Yeah, that does make sense. Well, I guess I'm striking out here. I'll just leave my card, and if anybody wants to sell their soul later. The card says, We'll be kind, Steve.

That's not the right card. Sorry. Why would you have that card? If it's not the right card, why do you have it printed? It was a misprint. It was a misprint from the print shop. Don't even get the card if you don't need it. Don't carry it around, certainly. I don't like to waste. As you were frantically driving over here, Harvey, were you like, I'm only going so they can yell at me, derail me, and make me have to answer for these? I mean, I even forgot to.

email you i just wanted to be on part of the show and now i'm realizing it could be a huge mistake for my career and personal life yeah and i'm glad i rushed over to uh have it well i have to say you are charming you're charming and endearing hey that's sweet yes that's sweet you're you're sweet man yes for a cereal no very true that's not true that's not true well guys guys we are running out of time i'm so sorry harvey i'm sorry i didn't email you and i'm sorry that i uh

you know, we had such a little time to deal with you, but we are, we do have time for one final feature. That is of course a little something called plugs, not big shit plugs. Christmas came as a child. Wanted was toys. Oh, my life was so reductive. Now that I'm at home,

I am slain! Oh, Perfidy! A plague on your lack of a house!

Well, about 30 seconds over the limit, but it was so festive that we'll take it. Thank you, too. That was Rosie and the Trucks with Santa Dump Out Those Toys. And guys, what are we plugging? Jason, what do you have to plug here? I'll plug Percy Jackson, the series on Disney+. Why not?

Why not? And then how did this get made? If you are living in the UK, how did this get made? The end of March, early April coming to. You're going out there. We're going to London. We're going to Scotland. We're going to Ireland. You're going to all those places, really? Yeah, baby. Oh, I'm jealous. Yeah. I'd love to go with you. So go to howdidthisgetmade.com, I guess, and check out. I'm sure that's how you can find tickets. Yeah, you'll.

you'll get there. There's a figure you can figure it out. All right, great. Um, let's see, uh, show, uh, show. Hi, Otani. What do you want to show? Uh, I'd like to plug the Dodgers. Oh, great. Yeah. Why not? We'll be starting up real soon. Also check out, uh, in the know on Peacock when that comes out in the know on Peacock. Okay. I don't know if I

I'm allowed to say that. You're not in the know about that. I'm not in the know about it, but yeah. Yeah, it'll be out soon. I love it. So just turn on Peacock and let it play. Let it play so I can get the money. That's right. All right, picture twins, what do you want to plug? Oh, I just want to plug my brother's mouth all full of chocolate.

That's all, Scott. That's it, Scott. That's it, really? You have nothing to plug? Plug the mouth full of chocolate and go to biggrandaywebsite.com and buy everything. Yay! And how about you, Dr. Marty? What do you want to plug? Hello? Hello?

What's going on? Hello, is this Scott Aukerman's house? Yeah, hi. I'm Brad Garrett. Brad! Sorry, I was told to come here and talk to somebody. Brad, yeah. Horrible, horrible. He left. He was on the phone. Yeah, he's on the phone anyway. I was told I was an award waiting for me. Yeah, he wanted to give you an award, but he's in Ireland. Yeah, he wants to put you in the Guinness Book of World Records. Oh.

Oh, do I not get it if I don't see him here? I'm certain you can. He is obsessed. Give him my info. What is your info? Brad.Garrett. Okay. Everybody hates Raymond. This is embarrassing for you to have to say this on mic. Yeah. Oh, I'm on mic right now. You're on mic right now. Welcome to the Brad Garrett Comedy Theater. Just in case.

Look under your shirt. Yeah, there's a lapel. There's a lav. Yeah, a lav right there. There's a lav right there. Oh, my God, I've been laughing the whole time? Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm glad we have sound covered, but I was talking a lot of shit on my chair before this. He's got it all. Oh, it's all recorded. He's got everything. He's, again, he'll release the piss tapes. Don't worry about it. Yeah, exactly. I don't mind that. He'll release the piss tapes. Yeah. Ned Bellinello, what do you want to... Fuck Jimmy's job. Oh, of course. Well, I always want to plug the... Oh, what's going on? Hold on. That's my mother's caretaker, Elsa. Oh, okay. Hold on a second. Elsa? Yes, hello? Hello?

Uh-huh. Well, she's got to be on her back. Yes, legs in the air, underwear off. That's how the pill goes in, sweetie. What do you mean she has an owl? Well, get the owl away from her. Elsa? Sorry, you fuck... Okay, sorry, Elsa's gone. She was still talking. I could hear her. You could hear her talking? Yeah, she's going, me, me, me, me. No, that was my iPad, actually. Oh, okay, I'm sorry. I'm confused about the noises.

Do you have anything to plug? Yeah, sure. I'd like to plug Honda. Oh, I'm actually a spokesperson for glasses. For glasses? The concept of glasses? No, Marty's plug-in glasses. Oh, you plug them in and what happens? You plug them in and they get hot and you have to be near an outlet to use them. Great. Sounds good to me. Okay.

Harvey Weinstein? Harvey Weinstein. What do you want to plug? Not Harvey Weinstein. Harvey the Devil. I just want to plug if anybody wants to sell their soul, see my business card. That's really all I got. I guess I'll plug a couple movies. Pulp Fiction, Shakespeare in Love, Crying Game. Just recommendations. Emma. Yeah, we get it. Billy Elliot, the musical. I don't know. Just a random movie that you like. These are just things that I happen to like. These are all acclaimed movies. It's not weird to like any of those movies.

All right, well, I want to plug, hey, everyone can still vote for the best ofs. There's still one week left. We're going to do those next year. So head over to cbbworld.com slash vote. Get your votes in before the deadline. And while you're there, you can hear all great shows like Hey Randy and Scott Hasn't Seen and Walton on Walton. Or what's the other one? Eat Pray Donk. Eat Pray Donk. Yes, of course. How could I forget? I referenced it already this episode. In this three-hour episode? Yeah.

So head over there and get all that. If you sign up for a year, you get two months free. All right, let's close up the old plug bag. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Becky. Oh, oh my God. Becky. Butt. Butt. Butt. Butt. Butt. Butt. Look at that. Blowback.

Oh, yeah. Beautiful. That's the last time we ever have to hear that song, by the way. That was Bubble Butts in My Plug Bag by Secret Spaceman. Amazing. Thank you so much. And we'll have a new plugs, plug back, closing up theme for the new year. Guys, I want to thank you so much. Jason.

Always a pleasure to have you. Thanks for having me. I know you had to leave 30 minutes ago. I know, but I stayed and I'm thrilled I did. So glad to still have you. And Shohei Otani, I'm going to be watching you, buddy. I'm going to be watching you swing that big long stick at that white, white ball. Jesus Christ. Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa. I've never heard baseball described like that. That's right. And Dr. Marty, always great to see you.

Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure. Always a pleasure. And Brad Garrett.

So sorry that Fred was on the phone, but head over there to Ireland. He wants to give you the award. I'm on my way. Okay. And, um, Bill Walton. Uh, of course, Bill Walton. Yeah. Yes, sir. Thank you. Scott. You've been sitting in the corner the entire time. It's been a pleasure to have to see some of the comedy greats roll through here. You're just a fan. You're just a fan. You love it. Oh, what a fan. What a mighty good fan. That's right. Picture twins. Good to see you. Yes. Goodbye. Finally, it's appropriate to say goodbye. Bye.

Have a big oinks, Miss Scott. That's right. And Harvey Weinstein. Just Harvey. Thank you. Scott, what about me? Yeah, that's right. OJ Claus. Konnichiwa. Konnichiwa. And Ned Bellinella. Great to see you. I'll see you later. Honda, Honda. Honda, Honda. That's all right. Your Honda alarm is going off again. It's actually moving. I have to go. Oh, no. What's going on with your Honda? I don't know, but I have to take care of her.

Why did you wink at me when you said that? Because you know what I'm saying. OJ parked up at that one. Hey, OJ, I need your help. That's also a line from Pulp Fiction. Not that I watched it or made it. Yeah, OJ, here, you want to take this glove that I've been spanking the pig shit twins with? OJ. OJ? We're talking to you. Are you just on TikTok? All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye.

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