Haley Joel Osment, Ryan Rosenberg, Holly Laurent
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Whether the weather be hot, whether the weather be cold, the wetter the weather, make sure that it's better. Let's get soggy and fetter the moistest begetter of precipitation until we're old. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Whoo. That was a lot to say, but I got it all through. I got it. Thanks to you're in all cakes for that catchphrase submission. Thanks to you're in all cakes. Appreciate it. And that's a boy that, you know, that's that would have been perfect for wet day coming up in about a month. But unfortunately, we said it a little too early. I don't think it's going to stick for the next month.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition, pre-Wet Day edition. Coming up on the show today, we have a... This is interesting because I like to talk to all different stars and stripes of people here in the continental U.S., as well as, of course, the 48th and...

The 49th, rather. What was the 48th state? We all know about the 49th and the 50th, Alaska, Hawaii. Arizona. Arizona was 48. I'll bet everything on it. Our guest knows it, but we haven't gotten to him yet because coming up a little later on the show, we have a plastic surgeon on the show. We also have a local high schooler. We'll be talking to both of them about their lives. But until we talk to them, let's talk to this gentleman right here.

I've said it before. I'll say it again, and I hope I'll continue to say it. Stars are back on Comedy Bang Bang and none brighter than this one right here. And this is the true definition of a movie star. Above the title. Have you been above the title? Oh, so many times, Scott. How many times? At least seven. Seven times above the title. I'm trying to guess which of your... Let's see. I have your filmography up here.

Above the title. You wouldn't have been above the title in Sixth Sense. I was below that title. You were below. Yeah. Pay It Forward? I bet you were. I think I was on the side at Pay It Forward. Oh, because it was an ensemble. There was three names in that one. And we can only talk about two of them. And barely two. A.I., were you above the title in A.I.?

No. I bet you weren't because Spielberg's up there. Only Steven is above the title. Yeah. The Country Bears. There you go. Hey, yeah. Above the title in Country Bears. Beating out Mr. Christopher Walken. Hey. Star of Dune 2. Hello, Bears. Hello, Bears. That's my... He does say that. He says it, yeah. Hello, Bears. Yeah. Jungle Book 2. I don't know. Now we're getting down into the dregs.

But anyway, he's been above the title in seven films, apparently, and below the title in many, many more. He's our good friend. Haley Joel Osment is back. Hello. Hi, Scott. Thank you for having me. So wonderful to have you. I just was reminded when you mentioned Wet Day that my birthday is the day after Wet Day. 4-11? 4-10.

I believe Wet Day is 4-9. Is Wet Day 4-9 or 4-10? I'm pretty sure it's 4-9. We're going to have to check the stats on that. Those days are always a blur for me. I believe you may share a birthday with Wet Day. I'm not sure. That would be very special. That would be very special. Summer for Wet Day. Wet Day birthday sharers. And Wet Day just emerged two years ago? Just a scant three years ago was the first Wet Day. It was so special. And now we celebrate it again.

religiously and we shall again, meaning Jesus is involved now. I know. He was very wet. Man. The whole time. One of the wettest guys, although he walked on water, so his souls of his feet are certainly wet. Yes. He was metaphorically wet. Metaphorically wet. Interesting. He was soaked in the sins of me, you, everybody else. Everyone else, yeah. Not the wettest human being alive, but... Jonah would be the wettest. Oh, this guy. Yeah.

This guy. This guy. Laying around in the old belly of the whale. I just can't wait for a fish to swallow me. Just squatting. Squat.

Not paying any rent to that whale, I bet. No, probably not. Probably the wettest of any Bible character. But you've been pretty wet in your career. Yeah. You sank down to the bottom of the ocean. I was underwater for 2,000 years. God, that's pretty wet. And at times the water was frozen. I don't know if it counts when you're frozen. Did you get frozen all the way down there? Block of ice. Oh, yeah. Hmm.

Hmm. And, uh, good question about AI. Yeah. Yeah. Did you understand that movie? I did understand it. I will answer any quiz question. I don't mean trivia about it. I just mean like the plot. I, uh, I just was doing it. We're coming up on the 25th anniversary of that. And I was just doing an interview about that movie. And some of the questions are to the, to the point of like, what happened here? Uh,

And I was like, I realized that some of my answers are not satisfactory because I have not always decided for myself what happened. Yeah. I mean, it's left ambiguous as well as amphibious amphibious down there at the bottom of the ocean. Amphibicopter. Yeah, that's right. I just found out also in this last interview that Peter Jackson bought a lot of the Stan Winston models from that movie. The teddy bear really bottles of me. What's he doing with them?

Wait, models of you? Oh yeah. He's got all of them. He loves to hang out with me and we're so far away, you know? Um, that's, that's incredible. Uh, an incredible cinematic achievement, but you've been wet in other, uh, in other movies. Oh, sure. Um,

What's the wettest you've ever been? What's the wettest? In utero, probably. Listening to that for the first time. Yeah, boy. Just take a shower and put on Nirvana. Hey, serve the servants. What was the wettest I've ever been in a movie? I was thinking back to... You remember when people would get gacked in Nickelodeon times? Sure, yeah. When you say gacked, do you mean slimed? No, just very high. Oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah. Just...

Getting high watching Nickelodeon? Sure. Just getting gacked. I actually saw someone tweet the other day. They were like, did you know that in ancient Aramaic, Nicodelodion means do not believe in God? Like, well, they're hiding it in plain sight for us. Yeah, the Satanists out there in Hollywood. By the way, how's your adrenochrome? Do you need a refill? I need a refill. Let me top you off here. It's so hard to scare children these days, Scott. They're so desensitized.

Um, but yeah, I, I mean, I've been wet in my career there. I, I, uh, did a underwater pool scene once, uh, as I'm sure you have. You never got me wet on comedy. Bang, bang. I never got you wet. You, you threw some bottles of liquid around, but you never dropped one. I did. I, I shaked up a cocktail shaker. I broke into a museum with you. You were wet adjacent. Certainly adjacent. Yeah. But not wet. This is of course not wet day yet. We're about a month off from wet day, but it's, well, it's Lent. Uh,

And we start the preparations around now, about a month out. Much like the day after Thanksgiving, you start for Christmas. Exactly. So we can talk about this kind of stuff. But yeah, of course, listeners and viewers of the Comedy Bang Bang television show know you as Slow Joey. We had many adventures together. We gave you your own spinoff episode. That's right. Slowing it down. Still waiting for that to get picked up. I know.

IFC has to become a thing again in order for that to happen. And yes, we did a jewel heist together. Wait, we didn't do it together. I was the security guard stopping you. I broke in and then you and I decided to team up because you were so inspired by me. What was I stealing? You're stealing a big ruby or something. Or what was it? A t-shirt? I think it was the Constitution. Oh, the Constitution. Yeah.

Fun times on that show. What was the first one you ever did and why did we offer it to you? Did I know you? Uh, no. I don't know how that happened. I think we just offered it to you. Lost in the wetness of time. Oh,

Time is so wet. It gets musty in there. Is that how we got to know each other? Is he doing the TV show first? That was the first time, 2015. Maybe you were just doing a lot of cool stuff at the time, and so we said, oh, I wonder if he would do this, and we sent it to your agent. That must have been it. I think it was my publicist, actually. Me and Bob Odenkirk, I think, had the same publicist.

publicist. Oh, yeah. I think Jack Johnson has the same publicist. Same thing. And one time you guys shot so much every single day that you would not even give a dressing room to one person for more than a couple hours. Yes, we had to rotate everyone. I came back from lunch on a day where I was shooting a lot of episodes and Bob was napping and I woke him up very violently because I thought it was my room and I felt really terrible because he looked really tired.

And that led to his troubles on Better Call Saul. And then he wound up in jail. Well, no, he had that heart attack.

Oh, God. I think it was a delayed reaction. It wasn't that. He got really ripped between then and now. Slow, much like Slow Joey on Comedy Bang Bang. Slow, fast Joey. Yeah, we shot in a pretty tiny studio. Not as tiny as it was in the third season. You came in a little later when we had an even bigger place, if you can believe it. In Glendale, one of my favorite Glendales in America. That's right. With the security guard who would ride around on the hoverboard. Sure.

Just saw him recently. It was nice to see him. Yeah. Really? I have a video of him hoverboard dancing with Lynn Marie Stewart, who played my mother, as well as she's from Pee Wee's Playhouse. Oh, yeah. Yeah, at the rap party. Wow. He's on his hoverboard and she's dancing with him. It's very funny.

Lin-Marie Manuel Miranda. Yes. Lin-Marie Stewart, Manuel Miranda. Oh, that's a great mashup. I got to get those two together. But Fun Times and probably what you're best known for. Yep. Other than AI and The Sixth Sense and all those other movies. Pay it forward. What was that about? Because I saw it. You know, it was about just...

Just trusting the goodness of the people around you and never doubting. Tell me your character's name. I played a titular pay it forward man in high school. What was his name? His name was Trevor. What was your last name?

No, it's a basketball player. Trevor McKinney. Oh, thank you. Hey, you're using the computer. I am using the computer. I asked AI, what would his name have been? Could it have been? I

My sister and I were talking about this the other day. She has never been killed in TV or film, and I have been killed basically every way you can be killed. Yeah, it's fun to kill you. It is fun. Yeah. Yeah. Now, I believe she just got a TV show. Is that correct? She did, yep. Your sister Emily, is that her name? Emily Osmond, that's right. And she's in the new...

uh sheldon verse yes uh tv show uh sheldon spin-off a verse yes so this is now we we started of course with sheldon yes we did and then we said you know what let's flash back and let's see young sheldon yep and then young sheldon got so old now he's sheldon and so they're like uh-oh

If they do an old Sheldon like season three of True Detective where he doesn't know it's real. Yeah. My theory was, OK, I want to I want to write a show and call it old Sheldon and then offer it to Jim Parsons. And then he thinks it's a spinoff of of his show. And then it's about something totally different. And you don't know this has nothing to do with Senator Sheldon Whitehouse from Rhode Island. Yeah, exactly. He's like, why are you old? Yeah.

But does she play a female Sheldon? Is this like the spider? Here's the female Sheldon. And she lives in the sewers underneath New York. And she loves pizza and surfing and nunchucks. Oh, great. Okay. This sounds amazing. Yeah.

Yeah. And then this concept, right? This is a universe where turtles are on the surface of the earth. No humans. Oh, no, no, no. Just humans. Just, well, Oh, right. Turtles live on the surface and the humans live in the sewers. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I had heard about this. Yeah. Um, this is exciting. And, uh, uh, uh, were you on any of those Sheldon things or, uh, did they ever ask you to be on any of this? No, I actually, I was hanging around the set one day and, uh, Chuck Lorre came out and he said, get out of here.

Only one. Only one Osmond here. I said, get! Yeah. I mean, you technically could play her brother, right? Unless she's some sort of orphan. I've never seen it. Yeah, I think they did have brothers back in the 70s. So I could do it. They did in the 70s. Is that when Young Sheldon takes place? You're from the 70s. Did they have brothers back then?

You, of course, born in 1988. Is that correct? That's right. The Reagan years. The year I graduated high school. Congratulations. Little did I know, as I was moving my tassel from the left to the right, a young child was coming out of his mother's womb.

incredibly wet and uh we would be here and occupying the same space below these many years later god it's isn't it weird how life works it's it's just appropriate it's it's what was meant to happen that's true that's true and you were from this uh this region of america right i am from this region yeah as well as uh you are as well or did you move yes i was born in los angeles yeah that's right one of three people to be born here that's right you're the other one um

Let me ask you about your new movie because you have a film that just came out a few days ago. And this is very exciting. Apparently, it's in theaters now as well as on Prime Video. Choose whatever you want to do. You know what I mean? If you can't afford Prime, then who can these days? It's a choose-your-own-adventure movie. It's not Apple TV+, certainly, which can cost you upwards of...

three, four, five hundred dollars a month. Yeah. But Prime is, you know, I mean, it's getting pricey. It might be HD. We don't know. We have no idea when it's Prime now. It might be riddled with ads, but if you go to see it in the theater, it's a wonderful experience. But it's called Drugstore June and it's out now. Tell me about this. This movie, Drugstore June, written and starring...

uh, Esther Povitsky, um, the great comedian, great actor. Um, and it's about this great at any other thing, uh, being about to give birth. Yeah. She's pregnant and about, I would think of like, she may have already given it by the time this comes out. If I was a person and I certainly hope I am who is great at like two things, I might start thinking I'm probably good at everything. Like I'm probably bulletproof. Yeah.

You know, and we have no idea. Like, do you know if you're bulletproof? I have no idea. I have never tried. I've never tried either. Let's try today. Let's try it on each other. It's Oscar season. I feel like that's right. The Oscars last night. How were they? You're a voter. Oh, man. I voted for all the right things. Yes. It was just like when I came on to Scott hasn't seen and ruined the game because I realized at the last minute I couldn't tell you what I voted for.

That's right. It haunts me to this day. We had you as our first guest on our first Oscars month. And I ruined it. And we discussed beforehand we were going to talk about our Oscar choices. I was like, yeah, oh my God, that sounds so fun. And then in the moment you realized you're not allowed to talk about them. I mean, I'm probably allowed, but I... What are they going to do? Kick you out of the Academy? They might. I feel like they've only kicked...

I've heard they only kicked one person out and it's because he was like, like selling all of the screeners. Right. As a business. They didn't kick your pay it forward co-star out yet. Did they not kick him out? Hey, seven was great.

Um, but, um, not to, not to, to directly address all that, but when you watch movies like that, it kind of adds a little weird thing. Now you're like, Oh, Oh, there he is. Yeah. There, there's that guy. Although I, well, I, I can, or I can compartmentalize that. You can, you can, I can do. Yeah. I can decompose myself. Um,

But tell me about Drugstore June. So Esther is in this movie. Kevin Spacey is not in it. Okay, great. Now, was he in it and then they digitally inserted Esther into the movie? They put Christopher Plummer in it and then they had to replace him with an AI Christopher. Weird guy. Christopher Robin from Winnie the Pooh. That's right. And then we all got really confused and we had to start from square one. But Christopher Plummer should be a plumber, right? He wasn't?

I mean, maybe he did it on the side. I have no idea. He had to have been. He had to have been. In The Insider, when he storms into the newsroom and he's like, this toilet is clogged. Yeah, he's holding a plunger in that scene. He puts it on Al Pacino's head. It's a really funny scene. It is a really funny scene. That movie was just a bunch of guys shouting into cell phones on the beach.

It was in the Wall Street cinematic universe. That's right. Michael Douglas is calling Al Pacino and they're doing a weird day for night with a crazy blue filter. But tell me about drugstore June. I refuse, Scott. Okay, really? That's all we know. No, no, no, no, no. Esther plays this woman who lives with her parents and is cultivating an Instagram following of

uh, maybe a dozen people. And, uh, she works at a drug store and, the drug store is robbed and to try and get back with her boyfriend, me, uh, who she's been stalking, even though I'm, uh, engaged to, um, um,

a new woman. There's a lot of great comedians that you know and love in it, including Miranda Cosgrove, Bill Burr, Bobby Lee, John Gabrus. Oh, great. It's a really great cast, and basically everybody just wanted to jump in and work with Esther because she's really funny, and I really loved her comedy. She has a special called Hot for My Name, which I'm a big fan of. Oh, great. And so when the script came to me,

in 2022, I was like, yes, I would love to be in this movie. How does Scripps get to you?

Usually through Western Union. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. So everything has to have stop after every sentence? I only abide by telegraph rules. Now, that's the opposite of Christopher Walken, your star in The Country Bears, who he would erase all punctuation from his lines. That's right. Yeah, because he didn't want to be bound to like... I had to go to the Western Union station and to get those, you know, firsthand because, yeah, it'd be unintelligible. Although it seems like they would just recycle the ones that he threw away.

Could be. Just a bunch of dots and dashes. SOS, SOS. Well, this sounds amazing. Drugstore June is out there in theaters right now as well as on Prime Video. And you can see Haley out there as Esther's ex-boyfriend and just chewing up scenery.

Oh, I chew it. I get wet. I chew so much. Hey, it's perfectly apropos for wet day. We need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have a plastic surgeon here. Have you ever had plastic surgery? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just today. Yeah. Yeah. We all do. Yeah. My chin is getting longer every day. Yeah. That's what we're doing. We're extending things. No more of this tucking and nipping. We want to lengthen.

We're going to have a plastic surgeon. We also have a local high schooler here. We're going to be right back with more Haley Joel Osment, more Comedy Bang Bang right after this.

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years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Haley Joel Osment is here. Hello. He is in the new movie Drugstore June, which is in theaters as well as on Prime Video now. And what do you got coming down the pipeline? The Seventh Sense? What's happening? You ever call up Knight and you're like,

Oh, yeah. Let's do it again. What if we did it? What if we did another one? It is funny because we got those calls for a while after it came out. We were like, come on. Come on. This is too successful. We got it. There's another number after six. And to our credit, we did not do it. I have a movie formerly known. You're crying as you look at your wallet right now. What is happening? Yeah.

I got a picture of a Sarah McLachlan dog in there. Oh, okay. This makes sense. Okay. Let me see that. Oh, God. That's my trick, Scott. Whenever I have to cry in a movie, I look at the sad dog.

You're a dog owner. Do you feel shamed by all of these really aggressive commercials now that was like, what fucking monster would feed your dog kibble out of a box? Yeah, we do it out of a bag. So I've dodged it. But yeah. And then my friends who have done the unnamed fresh services, they're like, it gives my dog diarrhea. It's human food. Well, it's right there in the name, though. It's diarrhea dog. Diarrhea dog.

Diarrheadoc.com. So, you know, what do you expect? Happy wet day, Diarrheadoc. Happy wet day. Hey, wet with diarrhea? We'll take you. We'll take you on wet day. We'll take all comers. Anyone wet, we're here for you on wet day.

We have to get to our next guest. This is exciting. Wait, I didn't plug the last movie. Oh, yeah. It used to be called Pussy Island, and now it's called Blink Twice, and it's coming out on August 23rd in theaters. Oh, that's right. You told me about this. I did. Yeah. I told you and I told you. Blink Twice. Blink Twice. Okay. All right. That's how many times I blink in the movie. Really? Look for it, yeah. And the second time I blink, whoo. So is this a Rocky Horror situation where we're supposed to blink at the same time and then like applaud? Yeah, you stand up and dance. All right. Yeah.

Let's get to our next guest. He is a plastic surgeon, and this is exciting because Haley and I are in dire need of

of some of his services. But please welcome to the show for the first time, Mr. Body. Hey, Scott. Thanks for having me. Hey, my pleasure. This is Haley. Hey, Haley. Nice to see you again. Hey, how's it going, man? Hey, thank you for all that stuff. Yeah, no problem. No problem. Hey, so you guys knew each other? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know a lot of the Hollywood cool guys. Okay, yeah. The cool guys. Scott, let's be honest. The C-listers is what that stands for. The cool guys. Well, now that I've been on the show four times, it's the...

The more you're on, the worse you're doing in your career. Yeah. Yeah, I'm a plastic surgeon to the stars and to the regular folks. You know what I mean? As long as you can afford it, I'm down. I would say 50-50. Oh, that's pretty good. That's the Seth Rogen and Joseph Gordon-Levitt special. That's where I got it. Yeah, I was a big fan of that. Although they were both big stars. Yes. It wasn't a big star and a regular person. Right. Yes, yes. I actually worked on that film. Did you really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you know what? I did the haircut. Oh.

Oh, the cancer haircut or Seth Rogen's? Both. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like Jordan does his own on screen, but that was all me. Oh, so that was your hand and they just superimposed it onto the picture? Yeah, yeah. That was actually surgery. It looked like just regular clippers. That was surgically removed. Oh, wow.

Incredible. This is great. Tell me about what you do. You're a plastic surgeon. You're here based in Los Angeles, I would assume? That's right. Yeah. I mean, I can base myself wherever you need me, but yes, I live in Los Angeles. You're willing to relocate if someone were to need you? Sure. Temporarily. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Unless it was a retainer type thing. Sure. If anybody in Dubai wants to hire me,

permanently i move out there so tell me about what you do what's your specialty you do uh i do additions i do subtractions any kind of body work any kind of head work footwork so anything on the body is okay what if it was off the body like a chair

I could do some of that. Yeah. I'd be using human components still. So you'd have like sort of a hairy chair or a, so like a Frankenstein style chair. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Where would you get the, the human components? Do you have like a, a spare? Oh yeah. Of them. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a, a pick and pull, uh,

Junkyard. Oh. Everything that we take off of somebody, we keep. Oh, I see. Oh, that's it. We keep. So we have. One can be a donor for that type of situation, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's actually where we get a lot of our materials. Oh, okay. Great. Is dead people who are donors. We take their head or their face. Is it like you can sign up for a subscription service at all? Well, that's the new thing. Absolutely. As long as you give your body at the end of it. Yes. You can have whatever you need. Yeah.

And some people, you know, they want to sign up for the subscription. They want to get paid before they go. So we'll remove piece by piece. Piece by piece. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. So what's the strangest, I guess, thing that you've ever done to someone? Well, I have. And I don't mean just in your field. I mean, like, you know, in life as well. Well, one time I did sneak up on a barista. Oh, no.

Oh, no. That was pretty weird. Why did you do this? I have no idea. You asked for the weirdest thing I ever did. But they were turned around. They were turned around. They were tamping the little thing, and I went... That's strange. Everybody in the coffee shop really freaked. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah. That's very strange. I don't know why you asked about that. I don't know, but tell me about your practice. My practice is going really well. Like I said, I can do anything. A lot of people come to me for the more...

I don't know, lesser known things. Lesser known. Yeah, like I'll do disguises for people. Some people don't want to be recognized from the front.

So we'll kind of do hair over the face and put the face on the back. Okay. So they want to be recognized by the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They want to be able to choose. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll wear a long hat with a little thing in the back. And then if you really want to say hi, lift it. What do they call it? A safari hat? I guess one could call it a safari hat. If you're on a safari, any hat you're wearing is a safari hat. That's true. I didn't think of that. I'm going to have to write that down. Okay. I don't know what for. What book is that? What are you writing that for?

This is How to Tame Your Dragon. Oh, interesting. Yeah, I just keep notes in this. Oh, okay. It's a script for the movie, actually. Oh, okay. Oh, wait. So are you hired by studios then, I'm guessing, in order to... Some of my best work, absolutely. Yeah, I did The Whale. You did The Whale? I did The Whale, yeah. Wait, I thought that was all makeup. That was surgery? That was surgery. That was surgery, which is what I call it. I call it surgery because surgery is a little too long.

Yeah. It's also very off-putting and very scary. You're going to have surgery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how I convinced him to do it. The movie was my pitch. Yeah, just a little surgery. Just get a little surgery. Wait, so you pitched the whale? You betcha. Wow. That's how a lot of these studios are working now. Which plastic surgery do we want to do? And then let's write a story backwards from that. Did you do Norbit?

How did you know? I'm glad you can recognize my work. Wow. Yeah. I did Marcel the shell. Really? That was originally a human. Oh, and you turned him into a cartoon. That's right. Yeah. And stop motion. I did that too. You did all that too. Yeah. It's confusing, but I did it. So what did you work on with Haley here?

Well, I don't know. Country Bears. Yeah, yeah, Country Bears, the movie. I don't really want to tell what work I physically did, but he did mention his chin's getting a little longer. Well, it was short for that one because I was a teddy bear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We had to put some extra hair on him. We had to make him. Do you ever think about Haley just staying as a teddy bear? Oh, yeah, all the time. I mean, teddy bears are hot right now. During the pandemic, every night when I'd tuck myself in bed, I was like, God, I wish I'd stayed a teddy bear.

It was crazy how popular you were on set. I know. I mean, everybody loves Haley, but when he was full bear mode, it was intense. It was the first cuddle puddle that was allowed on a film set. Wow. And the last one? And the last. Wow. Yeah, it got a little too intense. It was right after 9-11. Until Westworld, right? Yes. It was intense.

You know what I'm talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So... Scott, have you ever thought about getting any work done? Yeah, I've definitely thought about it. I get uglier and uglier each year. I was going to say the same thing. Not, you know, that's just what I say to all my clients. Do humans generally do? Actually, well, okay, so they start off pretty ugly. And then they get pretty good around 18. Yes, you can't talk about it for a long time. Yeah. What they look like. And then around 18, they get really good. Hot. And then...

Then all the way up to 25. And then after that, it's just dogs. Anybody over 25 is a dog. That's why my business is so good. My up top right here. Hey. All right. Yeah. Well, yeah. Well, you're what? I mean, you're over 25.

Yeah, I'm about four years over 25. Okay, that's what I thought. Whoever's been doing your work is doing a great job. But if you want to go a little more aggressive, let me know. Yeah, when you say aggressive, exactly what do you mean? Well, I would add an extra nose. Extra nose? Yeah, wherever you want it. Could be above your nose, could be underneath your shirt, wherever you want. I mean, and it'll smell. Like how bad?

Both ways. It'll stink really bad. Because it's a previously owned nose? It's a dead person's nose. Yeah, it's from a cadaver. Yeah, so it'll smell bad. Yeah. Well, either from a cadaver or a live person that needed the money. Oh, okay. Right. Yeah. But we can put that anywhere you want. Some people actually do a nose right above the butt. Oh, really? Just for comedy. Almost like a tramp stamp, but a nose. Yeah. Yeah. It's a tramp stamp. That way they fart and it's...

They have a horrible time. They have to be exterior things though, right? You can't just put a mouth on someone because that would be a hole, right? Yeah. I don't really do holes. Holes are too intense. That's not plastic surgery. That's metal for that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's like excavating. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can't. Yeah. I'm not a plumber. You couldn't tear me a new asshole. In other words. Depends on what you did. I could really give you a screaming. Okay. Yeah. Oh, you mean physically? No, physically. Yeah. Yeah.

No, I could slice you a new asshole. Okay. But we don't tear. Right. I'm a professional. No, okay. Got it. Yeah. So a new nose. New nose, new ear. Again, I could cut your hair. You know, I could really do anything. This is an interesting part of your business where you're just giving haircuts to people. Scott, anybody who wants to pay, I'll do whatever.

- Doctor, I had a thing I wanted to do where I wanted to get a tattoo on one of my ass cheeks that was two ass cheeks. It was like a hall of mirrors that just went on into an infinity. - Genius. - Could you do that? - Absolutely. Are you talking about a tattoo or actually surgical? - Well, I wanted to get a tattoo, but I feel like you could actually do it. - Yeah, you could add the ass cheeks upon ass cheeks upon ass cheeks. - Well, I work with a lot of tattoo artists. They sort of trace it. They do the tattoo and then I'll go in and actually surgically do what they did for the tattoo.

Interesting. Like, so who have you worked with? Dita Von Teese? Absolutely. Yeah, that's the one I know.

That's the one I know, too. That's so interesting. I mean, she's famous. She's huge. Yeah. You know, and the Hollywood thing. Once you're in Hollywood, you meet all the other movers and shakers. Yeah. You know, Dita Von Teese. You ever wanted to, I mean, it sounds to me like you've come up with the concepts of so many movies. Have you ever wanted to star in a movie? Oh, I wish. Above the title? I wish. Dr. No, Mr. Body. Why are you Mr. Body and not Dr. Body?

Good question. Well, Mr. Body PhD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I was actually a doctor, I probably would have gone with doctor. Oh, you're not a doctor? No, I used to be a mechanic.

I started, I got my work in car body work. Oh, I see. So it just dried up. It dried up. And I just, you know, why did it dry up? Well, there's just more money in plastic surgery in LA. So it did dry up. Thanks. It was just a move to more money. It's more money, but also people don't care about their cars out here. You know what I mean? They go, who cares? Let it go to shit. It's not a thing anymore. No, no, no. Fix my face. Leave my car outside. Leave my car alone. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

So it's the exact same kind of techniques? Same stuff, yeah. Fiberglass and skin and glue and paint. Yeah, airbrushing. Yeah, airbrushing, inflating things. Yeah, wow, okay. It's really surprising how easy of a crossover it was. So Mr. Body, above the title of a movie, how does that grab you? I love it. I really love it. I mean, you saw Face Off. I did see Face Off, yeah. That was me. Yeah.

what was you both of them both of them were you yes well that was my pitch they said absolutely not oh i see so then they had to use travolta nick cage which was fine okay got it but it was my idea because i had done a face-off before i had done several several unsuccessful so have you ever done a successful face-off no okay so it's sort of a fantasy film yeah the movie's a fantasy it's crazy you can't put the face back on i could

Oh, you could. I could. If I had enough money. If you had enough money. Okay. Yeah. So it is possible. That's a subscription. It'll take a while. It's possible if you have enough money. I want the job. So you're saying you can take the face off, but you can't put it back on? Scott, I can put it back on if it were recording. But yeah, no, it's really hard. Okay. It's really hard. Yeah, interesting. But I want the business. If anybody wants a face off switch, whatever, sure, come see me. How much money do you make? $1.

And this question is for both of you, by the way. Oh, okay, good. I think we make about the same. I think we make about the same. You were saying $1 what? Per. Per what? It depends. That's exactly the same for me, too. $1 per something, but it depends on what the something is each year. Yeah, yeah, it depends on what the scale is. I always ask my agent, what's the unit they're using? Because I want to make one. Millisecond, hopefully?

No, it's per minute. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. It's a good gig, though. I like it. It's nice. It's human. You know, you get to interface with people. Who have you worked on? Can you tell? I mean, you're not a doctor, so I guess there's no doctor client privilege. No, you're allowed to really spill everything. I worked with Travolta. Okay. I worked with, who else? Eddie Murphy on Norbit, of course. I worked with Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson. Yeah, yeah. I did it all. The gloved one? Yeah. The glove was me.

That was you. That was surgery. That was a bigger human hand? Yes. Bigger human hand, and it didn't come off. That glove was on there. Have you ever seen him without the glove? Think about that. That's a good point. I've never seen him without that glove. Yeah. Why was it sparkly? He wanted that. Okay.

Okay. Not my choice. So you attached the sparkles to human skin? Yes. Well, honestly, it's just bejeweled. It's just a shitty little plastic bejeweled. Oh, like bedazzled? Yeah, bedazzled. Oh, okay. Yeah. Interesting. So you have a glue gun? I have a glue. That was one of the first things I bought was a glue gun. Yeah, it really got me in there. So those three and no other celebrities, I'm guessing. Correct. Yeah. Well, Hayley. Hayley. C-list, the cool guy list. Scott, I dropped off a pamphlet. Again, if you want anything. Where'd you drop this?

Well, I've dropped several. I dropped a bunch out of my car on accident, but then I put one on your desk when I walked in. Did you pick up the ones you dropped by accident? I'll pick them up on the way out. It's not that windy. It's fine. They'll be there. It's pretty bad today. They'll be there. I mean, it was raining just a couple of hours ago. What are you, the cops? I get littering tickets all the time. Are you going to tell people about this? No.

No, I'm not the cops. ACAB, all cops aren't bastards. Oh my God. That's the opposite of what it's supposed to mean. You know that, right? I don't know. Well, this is great. I think we can kind of broker a deal here, right? Wait, you and me are switching faces? Yeah, we can do a face-off situation. I think that would look good. That would be fun.

I'd like to look younger. We could do a Janus thing where one of our heads is on the back of the other person's head. Yeah. I don't know who Janus is. It's a mythological creature. Oh, I see. Okay. I'm thinking, of course, of the movie...

Janice from Friends? Yes, the movie Janice from Friends. And I was thinking of Janice Films, the foreign film company. There's lots of those, you know. That's probably what I was actually thinking of. No, I was, of course, thinking about the incredible movie Malignant. Have you ever done a Malignant? I've actually had a lot of Malignant surgeries that are supposed to stick and then they just kind of...

You know what I mean? I got lucky when I woke up, he was like, it's benign. Your chin is benign. Your entire chin was benign? My chin was benign. Oh, thank God. I hate that when you wake up one day and your chin is not benign. It's malignant, but there will be sequels. That's true. Yeah. Well, this is great. Anything planned for 2024? Slate's pretty open. I'm looking for business. If anybody's looking for Serge, you know, Sergis. Sergis. Yeah, a little Sergis, little Essies. What's your dream?

My dream? Yeah. God, that's a good question. I guess up my rate from one to two. Yeah. That's a big dream for me. But lower it. Yeah, lower the unit, but up the price. Sure. Yeah. We all hope for that. I'm not dreaming that big, I guess. I should probably shoot bigger. I guess my real dream would be to...

do a total body switch between two people. I don't know. Jamie Lee Curtis and like a Lindsay Lohan. Yeah. Something like that. Something like that. Yeah. That would be cool. Something really freaky. And I only work Fridays. Yeah. Why don't you work Monday through Thursday? I like a one day work week. I mean, welcome to LA baby. One per. Yeah. One per. I get a dollar a day, 50 times a year. I take two weeks off. All right. Well, uh, very interesting. Mr. Body, uh,

Can you stick around? Because we have a local high schooler coming. I don't know whether you should be talking to them. I have no opinion on their looks. Okay, good.

When we come back, we're going to be talking to a local high schooler. We'll have more with Mr. Body, plus more with Haley Joel Osment. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. For 25 years, nothing has tasted better after a hard day's work than a Mike's Hard Lemonade. It's because since day one, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. We use three kinds of lemons, all handpicked from family farms.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Haley Joel Osment is here of the acting family, the Osments. That's right. Mormons from Salt Lake City. You have any other brothers and sisters out there? Not that I know of. Yeah, what about, you don't have any kids, but... Not that I know of. No, what about your sister? She have any kids? Not that I know of. Okay, so, like, it seems like you're not talking to your family very much.

I can say conclusively that I know that there are four members of my family. We need more Osmonds. We need more. We need them in our TV shows. My sister is getting married this year though. Congratulations. Thank you very much. To whom, if I may ask, is the lucky fellow? To a man named Jack. He's a very nice man. Now this is not a man who ages in reverse, right? Oh, I'm sorry. A man named Ove. Sorry. She's getting married too. Hmm. Ove. Uh,

Wait, that's the original movie, right? I don't know. She's getting married to Tom Hanks. Oh, okay.

We also have a man by the name of Mr. Body here, who's a plastic surgeon to a surgy, I guess. Snip, snip. Hey, snip, snip. Is that your catchphrase? It sure is. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Snip, snip. I like that. Thank you. Thanks so much. You can use it if you'd like. Oh, really? But just quote me or credit me. Okay, yeah. Maybe I'll say it to the editors of this show whenever our machine is back.

up and running. It's been broken for quite a number of years. Do you work on machines at all? Really? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Carburetors, engines, things like that. Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what about editing machines? I could try, yeah. Yeah, but what is... Put a nose on it or something? You would replace it with human parts? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Probably. So like fingers with scissors and stuff like that? Fingers with scissors, yeah, yeah, yeah. Snip, snip. What about Edward Scissorhands? Wow, that was a good movie. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. Do you look at that and just go like...

That's the dream. That's what you want. Scissors for hands, weird face, ugly hair. God, that's the dream. That's the thing about Edward Scissorhands is you kind of go like, okay, the scissors for the hands is like not the weirdest thing about him. Like his hair was pretty ratty. I got to say his attitude is the thing I like the least. He's freaky. What if you just called it like Edward bad attitude? Yeah, Edward ugly. With a weird haircut. Yeah. Oh yeah. By the way, scissors for hands, you're not even going to be looking at those. No, no. I don't know.

know anyway this movie this fucking movie um all right we need to get to our next guest um they're a local high schooler and we're going to be talking to them about uh high school issues i would imagine uh that are of concern to all of us here not just in hollywood but uh across these united states of ours uh please welcome to the show for the first time day laboot

Hey, nice to be here. Le Bout. Le Bout. De Le Bout. Oh, I made that N look like a U. That's easy to do. Le Bout. Le Bout's fun, though. It sounds like I'm French. Yeah, yeah. Le Bout. Le Bout. Le Bout. Le Bout. What about Das Bout? I have a quick question because I was listening. It's like one sentence. Okay, great. What is what day? Oh, it's a brand new American holiday that's... It's real? Yeah. What? What?

Yeah. I never heard of it. Yeah. Do we get school off? What about cool off? Do we get school off? Do we get school? Oh, it could have been anything. Do we get to cool off? Yeah, certainly you do on wet day. Oh, yeah. As well, as far as school off, I don't think our schools are celebrating wet day quite yet, but you can get as wet as you like there.

Okay, that's cool. As wet as your teacher will allow you to. How old are you? Do you mind me asking? I'm in high school. Oh, okay, great. But I'm not 18, so... But I do... One of my best friends, Cody, he turned 18. He's older than me, and we went and got a tattoo for him as soon as he turned 18. Oh, that's so cool. What was his tattoo? Well, we walked in. We were on psilocybin mushrooms, and we were trying to act like

we weren't because then they won't do it. And so Cody walked in there and, um, and we were acting like we were drunk so that he wouldn't think we were on mushrooms. And, um, and, uh, we only had 25 bucks and, uh, and we, and, and the guy was like, get out of here, shop minimum 75. And we were like, well, we only got 25. What can we get for 25? And he said, get out of here, shop minimum 75. And we said, we got 25. And he said, shop minimum 75. We said, we,

We got 25 bucks. He goes, okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to put your t-shirt over your head and I'm going to give you whatever I want on your back for 25 bucks.

It was awesome. Wow. So what did it end up being? He gave Cody some flying boobies. Flying boobies? They were beautiful. It was a beautiful tattoo. Colorful, purple wings, feathers, like purple feathery wings. But it was very weird to see a set of breasts like completely disembodied, like they had backs.

backs oh yeah on the boobs they've got backs they have backs it was like it was almost like if you took a um water balloon you know and just held it suspended in the air that's what a boobie looks like with our body i've never thought about that yeah but i mean you must know this i know exactly what this looks like if he wants to go full hog whole hog full hog i'll take either he could get boobies on his back yeah absolutely i mean it's already traced

Wow. That's a good idea, too, because around here in Los Angeles, if you're going hiking, you have to have a face on the back of your head so that the mountain lions don't... Oh, that's right. P, what was his number? 24? P-22, R-I-P. 22, that's right. I felt bad about that. What about the sequel to that? P-23. Prime number. Oh, yeah. Amazon Prime. Drugstore June. Drugstore June. That's right. Only on Amazon Prime, I think. Mm-hmm. So, Day, what an unusual name.

Yeah. It's like full of possibility, I think. A lot of potential, you know? Yeah. So, Dave, tell us about high school. You're on the show, I guess, to talk about some local high school issues. What's going on at high school? Well, I feel like everything that's affecting kids in high school is affecting everybody. You know what I mean? Like, we're worried about the environment and stuff like that because, you know, like, we want to have a place to live. But honestly, I think, like, the big thing that people don't want to know that's happening in high school is that, like, we're not

really into phones anymore. Like I would rather have a flip phone. I don't like it. I don't want to live online. You know what I mean? It's like the adults that are addicted to it. You know what I mean? So I like, I'm trying to like not look at my phone. Okay. So kids are not interested in phones.

Yeah, I like philosophy. I like to talk with my friends about philosophy. Oh, really? Like what? Alan Watts. Do you know about him? I mean, I know about him. Can't say that I've ever subjected myself to reading any of him, but... Oh, you can listen to him talk. He has a good voice, too. I'll probably pass on that, but you tell me all about it, and I'll feel like I... It's like reading the headline of an article.

Like, I get it. Yeah. It's basically, he helps you think about the world in ways you haven't thought about it before and you realize that some of the ways that you naturally think are actually destructive ways of thinking. Like what? For instance, like, we in Western civilization, because we're so

influenced by the Bible, we believe everything was created by a creator. So it came from something, right? And that affects the way we look at everything. But like, for instance, if I was born in Japan, I wouldn't think like that. I would be a kid who was like, ooh, what grew me? I grew from something. Everything is just growing. You know what I mean? Like an apple tree makes apples. The earth, peoples. So the earth is the apple tree of planets? Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. Scott, you really got that. That's Alan Watts. That's him. That's this guy. The Earth is the apple tree of planets. Yeah, okay, interesting. Did you know when they released E.T. in Japan, they had to have his head glow instead of his heart glow because of the cultural difference, because there wasn't an identification with the heart being where the soul was. Interesting. See, that's so cool. Wait, they went in and changed the movie digitally? I believe so.

And is that where they added all those? That's something I read in a Snapplecap and I've decided to believe was true. Is that where they added all those walkie-talkies instead of the guns too? Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, in Japan, all guns are walkie-talkies. Oh, really? Yeah. So if you see someone in Japan with a walkie-talkie, you better duck. Don't point it at anybody. Yeah.

Interesting. Yeah. It affects everything. That's cool. Yeah. It's also like, you know what I mean? Like the way you look at things really, even the language you use, like depends that, that, that like totally controls the way you think. Like you can only think to the extent that your language allows, you know what I mean?

This is like the Sapper-Whorf theory from Arrival. Oh, see, that's so cool. I loved Arrival. I loved it, too. I hate anyone who hated Arrival. So do I. Because I love stuff about language. And on every first date, I'm like, if you didn't like Arrival, you can fucking get out of here. Yeah, yeah. You could be, you know what you should do? You should be like, what you should do on your first date, Haley, is you should be like, what's the word for arrival?

You know what I mean? And if that person... An assemblage of cows. I'm like, you're in. We need more cows. Right? What are you two nerds fucking talking about right now? My back's to you, Scott. So just look at my boobs for a second. Oh, wow. Look at those big natties. Did you see Rival Scott?

I saw Arrival. I can't say that I retained much of it, but fascinating to experience. Yeah. It's like those aliens were using language that was like infinity, infinite, infinite. This is a movie about aliens come down to Earth and someone teaches them English. Is this what it is? Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

It sounds fun. So it's like an ESL class, but, uh, it shows them a bunch of mad libs. They're like, Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh. And then they start putting in titties. And then Jeremy Renner starts a website. Yeah. Oh, I get this culture. Yeah. Interesting. Um, so, uh, uh, these are, uh, sound like the, uh, uh,

issues affecting you. You're into philosophy and you're not into phones, but is that all teenagers these days? Just probably me and my friends, you know, but it's also probably because I did mushrooms at a young age and so then it made me start to think about things and think about thinking, you know what I mean? Yeah. Are you on mushrooms right now? No, no. No. I can't get my hands on any. Oh, did you...

Wait, did you come to the studio thinking that you were going to maybe score some mushrooms here? Do you have mushrooms in this house? I mean, you can't do this show without being a little high. Am I right? Yeah.

High five. Because the brain certainly couldn't come up with the thing. Anyway. But no, unfortunately, I'm out. Don't have any here. But don't you think it's interesting that our government makes it illegal to use substances that expand your consciousness, but they always want us on the drugs that diminish our consciousness. That is true. Like Ozempic. Yep.

You must hate Ozempic, by the way. Dr. Body or Mr. Body. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to call you a doctor. Thank you. Yeah, no. Because a body like slimming down, there's less to work with. There's less to do. It's like taking a painter that does those huge canvases and saying, here's a post-it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I'm going to turn you into a postcard. Although they do that a lot of times. They'll turn big art pieces into postcards. Sure. I mean, if anybody wants to pay enough, I'll shrink them. Sure. Wait, you can shrink people? Yeah.

Well, I'll remove everything until they're very small. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll be sort of like a bloody inside and that'll be the outside. So it's like a honey, I shrunk the kid situation, but they're just like a couple of fingers. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. Teenage child, are teenagers these days into astrology very much? Totally. Because you can get on, they're also like social media sites. Mm.

You know what I mean? So you can see how well you're synced up with somebody else. You can message them based on what their personality is like, what's happening in their star chart. It's cool. And it always works. I think it's because our phones are listening to us. So your star chart is dead on. Yeah. You're a very deep thinker. Hey, thank you so much. It's pretty cool. Yeah. What set you on this path? I mean, most kids are just like, duh, duh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait till I'm 18. Yeah, Scott knows kids. It was honestly probably that moment in E.T. where his heart glowed, you know? The moment in E.T. where he's like, I left my candy in the backyard. Remember when he was a ghost? I do remember that. Oh, man.

And he sees the Yoda and you're like, hey, that's from another thing. That's from his best friend's movie. Best friend's movie. Yeah. More movies should do that where you just see character from other movies. You're like, oh, look at Scooby-Doo over there. In Dune, you see a Hugh Jackman buried in a hole in the ground. Yeah. It's from that other movie. Oh, yeah, look at that dude. It's from Prisoners. Did you see Dune in IMAX? I did. Is that the way to do it? Oh, it's the way to do it. Really? Yeah. Pull up your star chart, take all your mushrooms, uh,

never get a phone and then go see it are you into astrology uh i don't know anything about astrology except that my sign is the best sign uh aries number one really they're all ranked right oh i didn't know that's cool you're number one i'm number one wow that's great is that number one of best people or just that's the best sign yeah aries it says uh on the when you're at a chinese restaurant it's like what is the best sign it's like aries number one really yeah

and i remember i remember going to chinese restaurants when i was a kid and it's like the compatibility with your crush but when you're a kid it's like everyone is either that year or the next year and it'd be like oh i hope she's a snake i hope she's a dragon and now of course we can date any you can date any you can date 12 different years yeah of course yeah um so day uh day labonte of course yeah uh

You go to school here in Los Angeles? Yeah, Hollywood High. Hollywood High, really? Oh, the, what are they, the Sheiks? Yeah. Yeah. For sure. Nice. What do you do for fun other than philosophy? I like to read. I really like to watch movies. And have you ever noticed that in movies, whenever there's aliens, like E.T. or Arrival, the humans act wild and are bad. Like, I think we're a bad species.

And I think the aliens are trying to tell us to get our act together. You know what I mean? Right. Do you believe in actual aliens that have come down here? There's a lot of, you know, evidence coming out that supposedly they've been flying around up there and they're UFOs. Yeah. People you call them. Yeah. People try to act like, oh, it's just a few eyewitness accounts. Well, guess what? That's the whole Bible.

There's a few eyewitness accounts, you know what I mean? I mean, there are 12. Yeah, but there was a school in England where it was like 36 kids all saw the same aliens. Did you see that one? I didn't see that. When was that? That was, they're still alive. Like, they're grown-ups now. Was that what the 7-Ups was about?

Yeah, the 7-Up series with Michael Apted is all about a bunch of kids who saw aliens every seven years. Yeah, every seven years. Catch up with them every seven years and be like, are you sure you saw aliens? Yes, 100%. And then you check in with them their whole life and they're like, it was an alien. But I

think maybe the way we describe them as grays or whatever is because our brain doesn't have the like we're trapped inside the limitations of our own perception and senses right so we're only perceiving what our brain is like it's a head shape and it's big eyes so we can't we we

we don't know how to perceive it. So instead we just make it like, uh, it's a gray big head. And it might be us. I think it's us. And I think all the aliens keep saying like, stop hurting the earth. You know what I mean? So you think it's us in the future coming back to the prison? I think maybe. Yeah, for sure. But, um, yeah, there have, there's definitely aliens because there's not time. So,

So it might just be. What do you mean by that? There's not time. There's no time. It doesn't appear in the rigorous math of like quantum mechanics or like string theory or any of that stuff. Like there's no such thing as time. It's like a sensation we're having. We knew this. If you would have enjoyed Arrival, you'd know that. Okay. Yeah. God, I got to rewatch this movie. It's good. It has that guy in it who got ran over by his own snowmobile. It's got a whiteboard in it, right? Sort of like the one I'm writing on right now. Yeah, they use whiteboards.

with aliens. So there's a lot in common with the lead character of Arrival. I should maybe be into this film. You would love it. You write on whiteboards. You could be in that movie. Hell yeah. Wait, Scott, you were abducted. Remember? I remember hearing a story where you were abducted. Maybe. Who knows? Possibly. It's possible. But it was so unexciting that you...

Didn't remember whether it was legit or not. No, I feel like it was so scary I forgot about it for years and years. Sounded like a legit story. I have no idea that, of course. I believe I talked about it on our sister show, Freedom, which is back.

now of course on thursdays but uh listen to the our archived episodes there if you want to hear that exciting tale of me being abducted by aliens and that scary movie communion right yeah yeah when i saw communion it all came flooding back to me anyway yeah that's of course uh uh we're here to talk to dayla bont we're not here to talk about my past and

But what do you hope for the future, Day? I mean, you're in high school. You're, of course, high school-aged. What are you going to do with your life? Because it seems like you're aimless and directionless right now. Yeah, for sure. But I know without a doubt the number one thing I want in life. I want to be in love.

Yes. Love. I really want to be in love. Love with a person or? Yes, with a person. I want to be in love and I want it to last. Yeah. Have you had brushes with that? Have you had any relationships? Yeah, for sure. Yeah, yeah. I've loved people many times, but I don't think you can be in love unless the other person is into it too.

Right. Yeah. If it's not reciprocated, it's maybe just obsession. Yeah. And I've only had unrequited so far. So I'm living in the land of desire and desire only exists basically when you don't have the thing you want. And I want the thing I want. So I want to move from desire to pleasure. Is there someone out there? Is there someone that you're going to school with right now who you're into, but you feel like it's not reciprocated? Because I have an idea. Yeah.

Oh, what? Who's this person? Do you mind me asking? Her name is Ruth. Ruth. Yeah. Okay. Well, we have a celebrity here. Yeah. As well as a celebrity plastic surgeon. Yeah. And maybe they could get kind of a, sort of like a cameo, a living cameo message here. Maybe, Haley, would you mind, you know, talking to Ruth? I wouldn't mind at all. Really? Yeah.

And expressing maybe, you know, De La Bonde's feelings. Oh, yeah. Sort of like you're her virtual wing person. Absolutely. We could make a video where you just say, hey, Ruth, what's the Sanskrit definition of war? Okay, I don't know if your ideas are going to be really what seals the deal on this. In fact, they may be repulsing your crush. And I know when I mentioned wing person, you got very excited. Oh, we can do that? Yeah.

Yes. We can absolutely do that. I can also do Big Gray Head, which you mentioned earlier. Okay, so yeah. You're writing these down in your script right here. What is it? How to Train Your Dragon? How to Train Your Dragon. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, Haley, say whatever you want to say. Not necessarily what Day wants you to say. Okay. Are we recording? Yeah. Yeah. Hi, this is to Ruth. Yeah. Ruth, hello. Someone at your school...

thinks that you are just the cat's pajamas. And I've been enlisted on their behalf to ask you, what is the Sanskrit word for love? Oh, no. The end. Goodbye.

Oh, snap. Facts, facts, facts, facts. That was great, man. Well, here's some issues that I have with it. First of all, you were not specific about the person. Oh, shit. As someone who's been in this situation where I had a friend say, hey, your friend likes you, and they thought it was a hotter guy. Oh, no, yeah. Yeah.

No, that's... Yeah. And then the whole Sanskrit thing. This is a bust. Are you certain that Sanskrit is not a hot thing to talk about when you're hitting on somebody? I don't know. You're the pay it forward kid. I wouldn't trust what either of you are saying.

You're Trevor McKinney. I wasn't even above the title in that movie. And then I got murdered. You were next to the... You were murdered in that movie? Yes, I was stabbed to death. By whom? Another child. Were you like held up... I remember there was like a big mob outside of a house. Never mind. I wish... I don't remember anything about this movie.

Is it fair that I paid probably $12 American to see this movie and I don't remember any of it? Is that fair? Well, Jesus was in that movie, Jim Caviezel. One of our most moral actors. Yeah. But you know what I mean? Like, if they should... You should...

A movie should give you a test five years later and say, do you remember anything about me? And if not, they refund everything. It's on them if you don't remember. And doctor, I'm going to need your help for this because this is the time with books and movies where I'm like, wow, I know I saw that whole movie and I couldn't tell you one scene. It's not fair.

But anyway, you want one more take where maybe you're a little more explicit. What do you say? More explicit. Yeah. Well, not explicit in that way. But Mr. Body, I want you in on this. I think Haley, quite honestly, doesn't know what he's doing. Yeah. I'm going to need your help on this. So we'll just hit it back and forth like a ping pong ball. Okay. Ruth. Hello. You don't know me, but I know someone who knows you and who knows me and who asked me

To ask if you want to know them. Is that specific enough, Doctor? Very confusing. And this somebody is offering a deal on haircuts, face surgeries, shoulder surgeries, but they love you and they love philosophy. Do you know who we're talking about? Look, you could wear my face or his face or both of our faces. You could learn a new language, Sanskrit. The hottest language. What is war for?

Please. Cut. Hit me back. Are you just saying cut because that's what we like to do to bodies? Snip, snip, snip. Snip, snip is your catchphrase. I don't know. First of all, it kind of veered into advertisement for your business. Sorry, I'm sorry. Yeah, my bad. But is it usable? What do you think? Yeah, definitely. I'll save it till the day we do carnations. Did you all do that in high school where you sent someone a carnation? No. You didn't? I didn't get to do that.

What? Is this a Valentine's Day thing? Yeah, you got robbed. You pay a dollar in advance and then they'll take a carnation to whoever your sweetheart is. They'll drop it off in their classroom. Wow. I don't think this is going to keep for 11 months. Honestly, I don't know if it's going to be successful even if you sent it right now. But 11 months from now? Come on, just send it. Send it right now. What do you say? Can you text it? Do you have their number? Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Definitely. Okay, I'm sending it. Okay. We'll see if we get a response or maybe a call or anything like that. Who's this person's name again? Ruth? Ruth. What's her last name? Williamson. Ruth Williamson. Yeah, she's going to be a... Is this Kevin Williamson's daughter from the Scream franchise? Yeah. Do you know him? I've never met him, but I'm a big fan of Dawson's Creek. Yeah, for sure. Oh, wait. It looks like we're getting a call here.

The caller ID is RW. That could be Ruth Williamson. Should I answer? Yeah, let's answer. Okay, hold on. Hello? Um, hello? Hey, what's up, Ruth? It's Day. Hey, Day. What are you calling for? What am I calling for? I wanted to ask you if you know the definition of the Sanskrit word for war.

And I can give you multiple choice if you want. Okay. I think the definition means fighting between two sides. I love you. What? I didn't know that's what this was about. Hold on, let me interject. Hey, this is Scott Aukerman of Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast. What? Am I on the air? You're on the air right now. No! Can we use your voice? Yes! Okay, let me hear your real voice now that we've stopped disguising it, now that I've got your permission.

Hello. Okay. Hi, Ruth. Hi. First of all, big fan of your dad's work. Dawson's Creek. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. But did you get the video? That's why we thought you were calling back. I did. It was a little confusing. So I just called to figure it out. But you like Haley, right? Hi, this is Haley Osmond from Comedy Bang Bang the Time Show. What?

It's really a pleasure to meet you. I think I've left you three voicemails today that might be a little confusing in retrospect. Yeah, nice to meet you. Thanks for calling. Haley wanted to ask you if you would go out with me, but I'll let Haley ask. Ruth, would you go out with my friend? Dr. Boddy, seal the deal. Mr. Boddy, sorry.

Um, um, uh, yeah, I will. Yes.

Thanks, Haley. You're welcome. Okay, Ruth, I'll talk to you later. I think that you are really smart and very funny. And what's happening in the next Scream movie? I know that all the leads aren't coming back. I can't tell you that, Scott. Don't be unprofessional. You must have seen... Don't be unprofessional, Scott. I didn't know that's what this was. Note cards on a cork board in your dad's office? Everybody wants me for my dad. Everybody wants me for my dad. I hope that's not what you're doing, Day. No. You seem so cool, like a little philosopher. Yeah, I'm...

I'm really into philosophy, like materialism versus idealism. Do you like stuff like that? I think so. Yeah, me too. I don't even know who your dad is. I don't care. I love that. I love you. I love you too. Yes. Oh, high five, Haley.

Yeah. That was hard. Sorry. I was really excited. Are you okay? Yeah. Okay. I'm going to hang up. Why? I guess I could stay. Yeah, stay. Okay. You want to stay through plugs? Sure.

And Mr. Body, what about you? I'm going to go. You're going to go? It sounds like Ruth is cool. Let's let Ruth stay. Look, hey, if you want to go before plugs, I get it. Yeah, I've got to get out of here. I mean, you kind of plugged everything you had already. Yeah, sure. Let me just plug real quick. I'm doing plugs, hair plugs, ear plugs, and butt plugs. Okay, natural butt plugs? Yes. Yep, we just seal it up. Yep, okay, great. All right, thanks, Mr. Body. See you later. Bye. But Ruth, you're still around. Yeah, I'm here. Yep.

Okay, great. Don't ask me about my dad. Again, don't do that. I mean, I don't want to know about his personal life. I just kind of want to know about, you know, what's happening in the Scream. That is personal. That is personal. Was it cool to cast Jack Wade as the killer in Hollywood's Good Boy? Hollywood's Good Boy. Yeah, he had a lot of fun doing that. He had a lot of fun doing that. That was cool. That was cool. It's a great vibe on set.

Oh, I can only imagine. It must be so fun filming one of those. Totally, totally, totally. Yeah, just a lot. I mean, such a great cast. Did you shoot that on the real New York subway when the thing was going on? Oh, yeah. Wow. So that was a practical set. You know it. God, I love that. I know Scream looks really fake the whole time, but that part was practical. That's cool. I've never been to New York. I want to go so bad and eat pizza. I'd love to take you to New York. Oh, my God.

Yeah, let's go to New York. Let's do a date here first, but then, yeah, definitely. So second date will be an out-of-town date? I would love that. We'll stay at the Four Seasons and get a big pizza. Can I be your chaperone? Yes. Okay. It's the water that makes the crust so good. It sounds like a Home Alone 2 situation. Does it? Is that what I was thinking?

Is Donald Trump involved in this? Let's hope not. Get out there and vote. All right, well, we're running out of time here, guys. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. Well, the idea of plugs seems 30 seconds or less. Although I must confess that I prefer them to be under 20.

So here's a perfect 19-second pause.

All right, guys, what do we plug in? Haley, obviously, Drugstore June in theaters now. Drugstore June starring Esther Bavisky. It is coming out on March 8th in theaters near you and on Amazon Prime. That's right. And, of course, you have Blink Twice coming out. Blink Twice, formerly known as Pussy Island, written and directed by Zoe Kravitz, starring Channing Tatum, Naomi Aki, and a whole bunch of other familiar faces that you will know and love on the island. Please come see us August 23rd. All right. Nice.

And Day, what do you want to plug? Mega is my podcast. You have a podcast? Yeah, it's called Mega. God, everyone has a podcast. M-E-G-A. It's so fun. It's comedy. It's hilarious. We have a celebrity guest on every episode. Scott Aukerman has done it. Oh, wait, that was you? And it was very funny. Yeah.

I don't remember you. Well, it's my mom. It's my mom's podcast. Yeah, I remember her. I infiltrate the pod sometimes. Oh, okay. Because my mom isn't a digital native, so she doesn't really know even how to upload her own audio to the feed. And so I can put shit in there all the time. Oh, that's cool. But it's called Mega. It's really fun. And yeah, tune in because Haley's coming on it. Yeah.

All right. And Ruth Williamson from Via Phone. Yeah, yeah. Kevin Williamson's daughter. Yep. I guess just Scream, the Scream franchise. What's going on with the new one, by the way? I noticed all the stars. God, I can't tell you. I felt like a dad question. Do you want to plug it, though? I'll plug that there's a guy with a mask on. Okay, pretty good. In Scream? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is not the Scream mask, though? It's a different mask.

How do you get all the stuff out of me? You're like an investigative journalist. So Scream 8 has a different mask? It's like I'm talking to Barbara Walters. Oh, rest in power. Yes. And anything else you want to plug? I guess my favorite podcast, Man Dog Pod, or The Teacher's Lounge. Yeah. Do they have a new thing out there? No. Will they ever? Maybe.

Maybe, I don't know. Oh, and I guess Baby Ruth's, because it's my name, too. Baby Ruth's? Yeah, I eat those. Oh, you eat those. Wait, it's your name? Oh, because you are the baby of the family? Yeah. Do you have brothers and sisters? Scott, stop asking about my dad. I don't know that that's about your dad, but... You were asking how many times he had sex and had a baby from it. That's what you were asking. Can I get the stats on how many times he's had sex and how many times he's had babies from it? 20 sexes.

Two babies. 20 sexes, two babies. What a ratio. What a success rate. Well, they weren't all for that. Sometimes he just likes to have sex. What? God, I got to stop talking about my dad. I want to plug. Hey, look, we were talking about wet day.

Guys, wet day merchandise is here. What better way to celebrate wet day? Over at PodSwag.com, we have wet day t-shirts to show that you celebrate wet day. We have swimsuits. What better to get wet in? We have towels that let you dry off the wetness so you can re-wet yourself.

We have water bottles that hold all that wet, wet, wet, wet water. Oh, so much wet day stuff. Check out pod swag dot com slash bang bang. You get that all that wet day merch. Get someone you love a wet day treat. And may the patron saint of wet day Jim Belushi be with you.

I also want to plug, look, CBB World, we're having a great time over there. We have so many shows. Haley, you were on Scott Hasn't Seen recently with a terrible, terrible movie. You have hated every movie I brought on it, but I think the third time's going to be the charm. I hope so. I hope nobody picks Badlands before I come back on the show.

We also have neighborhood listeners there. Ad-free episodes of this show as well as all the previous episodes. We have ad-free episodes of Freedom. We have CBB Presents. We just dropped the Timekeeper special and Alamone Tony's Valamone Shoney. We also have College Town. So much stuff going on over there. Head over to cbbworld.com. And if you subscribe for a full year, you'll get two of those months for free. All right, let us...

Close up the old plug bag. Plug bag! We're jamming, we're jamming, we're jamming on the new planet. Jamming, jamming, we're jamming on the new planet. Everybody's gonna go get baked. Plug it, let's plug!

All right. Well, we said make them under a minute.

Topping out at 59 seconds. That is not the spirit of the law. Maybe the letter of the law. Let's say under 59 seconds from now on. But thank you so much to, that was Planet P-Bag by Belosky with a Q-U-I. Thank you so much. And guys, I want to thank you so much. Haley, always great to see you. Nice to see you, sir. Thank you for having me. You are a, in life terms, you are a constant texter.

We're in constant communication with each other as we are friends. And you text me more than my mother does. Really? I think so. Oh, congratulations. Thank you so much. And good luck with AI. It would be A-I-I, right? For A2. The sequel to AI would be A-I-I. A-E! A-E! I'm back!

Also, I want to thank Day Labonte. Thank you so much. And good luck with this date. Look, I'll tell you what. Usually we say if you want to go on a second date, we'll pay for it. But it sounds like you're going first class to the Four Seasons in New York. Oh, yeah. I'm still here. Yeah. This is, of course, Ruth Williamson. Yes. Yep. I'm excited for our dates. They're going to be great. Yeah. We're going to go get pizza. Yeah.

Because Haley says it's the water that makes the pizza taste like that. So you can only get it in New York. That's interesting. It's so true. The minerals in the water in New York City. Oh, the Hudson minerals. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Wait, it's that water? Mm-hmm. The dirty river water? You can't filter it or it gets rid of it. Where that drunk pilot landed? Yeah, what? You can still taste Sully. Sully, right? Sully Sullenberger, the drunk pilot. Yeah. You can taste him in all the pizza. Ugh.

Oh man. Is this sour the date? I hope that, uh, no, no, we'll just maybe get some hot dog. Yeah, definitely. Except then we got to go to Chicago, right? True. We'll go everywhere. Wow. World tour. We're hitting it off. Yeah. Wow. Well,

Well, congratulations. Please come back and keep us abreast of what's going on with this romance because, you know, we love our comedy Bang Bang Babies. We've had, I think, about 500 babies have been born out of all the dates that we've set people up on. Awesome. Yeah. I mean, you guys are too young to have babies, although babies having babies. I don't know. Those would be some cute babies. Yeah. The cutest babies in the world.

But please come back and let us know. But this is all contingent on the first date going well, right? Yeah, I mean, we'll see. But I think it will. I mean, I like your vibe. Hey, thanks, man. I'll bring a book of Sanskrit.

Perfect. Yeah. Have you ever seen each other, by the way? Do you know who this is you're talking to? Yeah, I think so. I think we've seen each other at school. Yeah, I had biology with you. Yeah, you're the kid in the front. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you dissect something? Yeah, we dissected grasshoppers. We dissected cow eyes. We dissected cats. Cow eyes. Yeah, we dissected earthworms. Those were massive, weren't they? Yeah, totally. Grasshopper was hard. I cut mine in half on accident. Oh, no. Lengthwise? Yeah.

I got an A. That's what you do when you try to say something. That's what you do, but I did too big of a chop. You were seeing chop? Oh, my gosh. All right, well, look, we're running out of time here. This is about the time we dismount. Any last words we want to say? I want to say snip snip for that earlier guy. Oh, no, that's his thing. Oh, I liked it. Snip snip. Okay, all right. We'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. Here we go.

Hey girl, you can't make it? Aww.

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