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TV's keep getting bigger, but my eyes stay the same size. What's that all about? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Hmm?

Thank you to the Exit-Tainer. The opposite of the Entertainer, although I guess Tainer has no opposite. Tainer? Tiner? I don't know. The Exit-Tainer, thank you so much. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. My name is Scott Aukerman. I am your host. And we're doing something a little bit different on today's show. We're doing something called the Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable. That's right. What?

You're used to listening to this show, and hopefully we've been doing it for almost 15 years at this point. Maybe you've been listening for 15, maybe 14, maybe 13, maybe 11, maybe 10, maybe 9, maybe 8, maybe 7, maybe 6, maybe 5, maybe 4, maybe 3, maybe 2, maybe 1, not 12. But...

Usually on this show, I have the guests on one by one. We'll take a break after our first guest, bring another one on, take another break, bring another one on. I'm going to bring them all out at the same time this time. And it's quite honestly, we're doing this because it's the Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable.

And that's the way it goes on the CBBR. And, uh, let's get to them. We have such a fascinating group of guests today. We have a religious figure, we have a merchant and we have a student, which is very exciting because I want to see where all of these people intersect and what they have in common, what they have that are differences, but where can we find common ground with each other? Uh,

And maybe learn a little bit more about them, but more importantly, about ourselves as we listen to them. Let's bring them on.

He or she, I can't remember. He, but you call me a religious figure. What do you think my shape is? What would you describe my figure as? Oval shape? Hexagon? Small at the top, small at the bottom? You're kind of like a human stop sign. Okay. Okay, fair enough. Just with your personality, I guess is what I should say. Makes sense. He is the aforementioned religious figure. He is a

afro mentioned thank you thank you for noticing my haircut i decided to do something a little different yeah i got hair plugs in turkey oh really because they're in the shape of a turkey i'm inspired by the place where i'm at when in rome when in turkey that's right yeah did you have it cut like the coliseum when you were in rome or well yeah well i pop

the I got the hip transplants in Turkey had him cut into a turkey right and then I went to Rome I said do this at the Coliseum and they it was a language barrier because they were speaking Italian and um right I know someone from uh Italiano Jones by the way I don't know if you've ever met him met him once or twice in my life on mic I don't remember yeah on mic yeah

Yeah, he paid for the meal. And then I went back to Turkey. I said, put this back in the shape of a turkey because Thanksgiving's coming, of course. That's right. It's just around the corner. And if you mean...

Maybe six months from now. If you think about it, Thanksgiving is always coming. That's true. That's true. I mean, unless they cancel it. And they ain't going to cancel Thanksgiving. Remember when the Sheriff of Nottingham in that Robin Hood Prince of Thieves said he was going to cancel Christmas? I do remember that. And then now they talk about canceling Thanksgiving. But I hope they don't cancel this Thanksgiving because I'm cooking something delicious.

Really? Oh, I can't wait to talk to you about it. Yeah. Oh, we got to introduce... Oh, and I need to introduce you as well. At the round table. Oh, you know who I am. Because I haven't. We all know who you are. You know who I am. That's right. Do you know who I am? I don't know, but... I talk the same often.

He is a religious figure who enjoys a nice Italian meal once or twice a day. Please welcome back to the show, Pasta Pasta. Pasta Pasta. Pasta Pasta. Pasta Pasta. Pasta Pasta. Pasta Pasta. That's right. Puff Puff Pasta Pasta. Puff Puff Pasta Pasta. I'm hot.

on rigatoni yeah okay wonderful to have you back but we need to introduce the rest of us because unlike the other episodes you've done this is the cbb round table this is the round i'm i'm shaped like a hexagon but this is the round table that's right let's get into it let's get into it let's get to him uh he's a merchant uh he is the owner and i believe the proprietor of uh

Is that right? Do I have you right? Yeah, I'm the owner and proprietor of Kissy's. It's a local grocery store in Downey, California. That's right. Please welcome back to the show, Albert Rowe. Thank you for having me. It's been a while, Scott. It has, yeah. It's been a minute here. Yeah, it's been exactly one minute, actually. That's right. You showed up a little early. I asked you to come back when the show started. Fair enough. You said four on the dot, and I was here at 359. That's right. And that's rude for my taste. Show up right on the dot. I...

Can only apologize. I'm very, very sorry about that. Okay, I appreciate that. Albert, we're going to hear what you're up to, but of course, this is the CBB Roundtable. That's right, yeah. You know, I am very excited about...

Thanksgiving coming up because you know that's a big time at the store big time at the store Yeah, you have all those turkeys to kiss almost I got a kiss. Yeah, this is what I do I can you know do you know Albert's? No, I don't notice he is the owner and by the way, I also found out he's the proprietor I'm the proprietor of his grocery store and the one guarantee that store has is I'm gonna kiss every item in the store Oh even people if asked yeah, I've gotten into some up to people and you say are you an item and if they say yes, I

Well, he's gone up to couples and gone, are you an item? Are you two an item? It's a very confusing message. I do this sort of reverse. We saw you from across the bar and we liked your vibe thing, but I do it to couples only. So I'm trying to get in there with couples versus couples trying to single me out. And your market is couples only as well, right? You can't be a solo pervert. You can't be a sick fuck. You can't be a solo pervert. You can't be a sinner in the eyes of God. Yeah, you have to be at the very least common law married.

to come up to the store. Sort of a new rule. I was going to come up there and buy some pastas for Thanksgiving. Well, if you got a romantic partner, do you have a boo? I don't have a boo. Yeah, or what about a bae? I don't have a boo, a bae, or a beau. I don't have none of them. Beau Murrah? Is it your boyfriend? I'm not dating Beau. Your beau friend? That's Phoebe. Phoebe.

Phoebe Dayton Bow. Oh, right. Oh, that's right. Last I heard. That's right. Not from her. Last time that I checked. Former guest. Last time that I checked. That's a Nipsey Hussle song. Do y'all even know who that is? No. Okay. I know who Nipsey Hussle is. You don't know. You think Nipsey Hussle is an athlete. Yeah, he plays center for the Knicks, right?

We need to get to our next guest. This is the CBB Roundtable. We can't not get to our third guest. This is a beautiful roundtable. Perfect place for a lazy Susan, I must say. Yes. Let's get to him. He's never been on the show before, but he's here in the middle of the roundtable. He doesn't know that it's different. No.

He has no experience, no prior experience being on the show. So he's, I mean, he's just being thrown to the wolves right now or in the deep end of the pool with some wolves. I'm confused. I don't know what's going on. Yeah, you have no idea, but let's welcome him. He is a 17-year-old high school student. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Michael Police. Hey, what's up, dude? Michael Police.

What's up, dude? Hey, it's good to see you. Hello, how are you? You're 17 years old. Just me, just a 17-year-old kid from school. Boy, I'd love to get my hands on some drugs. Anybody have any connections? Oh, okay. Well, I'm sure we could probably...

hook you up. I don't know if I have any lying around here. I'm addicted to gluten. No, that's not a drug. If you're me, it's drugs. What do you want, some fentanyl? Oh, great. Ideally, I want to know who you get it from and who they get it from. I always like to go to the source. Let me see. I have that all in my diary. Let me see if I can get that for you. What are those

cords hanging out of your button-up shirt. You have electrical cords. They help me breathe. Oh, no. Are you sick? I'm so sorry. No, no. I was born with a tiny lung. One tiny lung? One tiny lung. You can't even see it. Is your other one regular size? The other one's lost. No one knows where it is. Lost? The doctors think that... Did you check the lost and found at the hospital? No.

I bet that's where it is. They think I dropped it in my mother's womb and it was never picked up and reabsorbed back into her body. Did she ever shit out a lung? She ain't never pooped out no lung. No. I don't know. She never told me. No, it absorbs into your body so it goes back into the body. Can you open up your blouse? No offense because I know you're underage and I'm a man. Yeah, what do you mean? You're asking a lot of really crass questions. You can't just ask somebody why wires are sticking out of their head. That's so uncool. You kiss strangers. Shut the hell up. That's...

By the way, do you want a kiss from Albert over here? I'm off the clock, Scott. I'm not offering kisses all the time. Everybody going to jail today. He is 17. 17 is the age of consent in New York. No, I've never heard of it. Really? It is? And we can all pretend we're there. Okay. Cool. I'm always in New York, baby.

Something about this feels unethical to me. And you know, I'm all about ethics. We're not going to kiss you. We're not going to open up your shirt or anything. Great. I'd appreciate that. It's great to have you on the round table. He got cords hanging out of his shirt. It's because it just helps me breathe. It helps him breathe. Yeah, yeah. Where's the oxygen tank? What?

Where is the oxygen tank? It's really small, and it's in my ass. Oh, you have a small lung in your chest, and then a small oxygen tank in your... I guess there's no other word. Did he say that the oxygen tank was small? He did, yeah. It's very small. I got it from Germany. It's tiny. And believe me, it's made from Audi. Audi is the one who made it.

I got my hair cut in the shape of an Audi when I was in Germany. Really, did you? I did. I'm surprised you didn't get it in the Heil Hitler salute. Oh, well, I don't think that that's cool. You don't think that's cool? I don't think that's cool. Oh, this new generation. I don't think that what happened is cool and...

I'm not in it. I don't think that's cool either. You know what's cool? Getting your hands on some meth. You all got a hookup? Yeah, we have hookups. Don't worry about that. We'll get that to you a little bit later. Ideally, I'd love to meet the person who's hooking them up. I always want to go to the top. I'll make a call. I'll make a call. Don't worry about it. It's great to have you guys on the CBD Roundtable. I'm delighted to be here. This is a gorgeous table. What kind of wood is this? Cedar oak? I don't know.

I mean, it's a very light wood, certainly. Yeah, light-skinned wood. I guess I'm not a person. I'm not a wood guy. Okay. I can't just look at a wood and know exactly what it is. And know your woods. Okay, and you can't look at wood. Okay, all right. All right, but what we do here on the CBB Roundtable is we open up topics of conversation. Wood, honestly, not a lot there. Yeah, a little boring to you. I could talk about wood for days. Really? Because you're somebody who talks about pasta. I know, but I recently started to take interest in wood.

interesting you don't say i do say i said i said i know i heard you yeah why have you heard me would you say i don't say because you heard me say okay i beg your pardon but pasta pasta no need to beg yes tell us about wood why did you get into wood recently because and if it's boring i'm gonna cut you off well just go ahead and ask somebody else a question then

I like Wormwood. Wormwood, it's illegal in this. What is Wormwood? Wormwood is what they make the absinthe out of. Yeah, yeah. And if you all know where I can get some, I'd appreciate it. I won't tell anyone. I mean, honestly, that's... Can I just be honest with you for a second? Uh-huh.

I just think you're wanting to do too many drugs too quickly. That's like a lot. Oh god, are you- oh, okay, I thought you were about to say I'm a narc and I was gonna get angry. You need to try a gateway drug first. I'm not a narc. No. Okay. But if you all know someone who does sex trafficking, let me know. I'd love to get my hands on some sex. Sex trafficking. I know what kind of guys you think we are. We are, but we're not that kinds of guys. We're like actually really chill and like not- we're not bad like that. I boned someone in a parked car once. You boned them? You boned them?

And how do you mean? As opposed to a moving car? Yeah, is that sex trafficking? No, T-bone? Oh, Lord. Yeah, I T-boned someone in a parked car. It was really difficult. Okay, I don't like that, Scott. How old were they? This was not on Epstein Island. Is that what you're asking? No, it was in New York, and they were 17. Come on. Okay. All right, well. Look, I don't have any...

I don't have any of that stuff on me, but we'll get you some. Don't worry. But we want you to be careful as well. Cool, because I'm just a student. I'm just a regular student. And I feel like you were trying to say, like, I'm not a student. No, I think you're, like, projecting just, like, a little bit, if I have to be honest. But I think you're just, like, you seem like a normal, cool student. I saw you walk in here. You attempted a kickflip, and you did a really bad job. Yeah, but. Yeah, I really hurt my elbow. I saw you walk in here, too, and you was talking into a walkie-talkie like a student. Oh, that's cool. Are walkie-talkies coming back?

Yeah, I'm also like a junior custodian at my school. And somebody said, we need more Lysol. And I said, coming right up, I mean, coming right up, sir. Oh, a junior custodian. Is that now a gateway to becoming a custodian at the school over time? No, no. At my school, they want you to be a junior custodian forever. What school?

do you go to? Westlake. Westlake High School. I don't know anyone who would do that, quite honestly. But not Harvard-Westlake, just regular Westlake. No, no, just regular Westlake. Oh, I'd love to go to Harvard because I heard there's a lot of drugs there and I could really infiltrate... I mean, I could really...

get inside someone. I want to say something. Go ahead and say, hey, this is the CBB roundtable. You can say whatever you like. It's obvious to me that you're kind of shaken up by the fact that I'm a religious figure. Yeah. My body is shaped like what? That's what's obvious to you? Yeah. Here's what's obvious to me. You know that Pasta Pasta is a religious figure. And you're acting out in order because you want Pasta Pasta to...

to offer you a religious life on the straight and narrow. And so you're acting out in order to get pasta pasta to recruit you into his religion. Is that, is that what's going on here? Sure. I mean, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I'll take it. I'll take it. Uh, in your religion, is there drugs? Let me know. I won't tell anyone. Yeah. Rigatoni, farfalle, trophy, penne. Trophy. I'm sorry. What? None of those are drugs. T-R-O-F-I-E. Trophy. Trophy.

Those are drugs. You get addicted. You get addicted. But you named a bunch of pastas and then you named a... It's a slippery slope, young man. Everyone talks about slippery slopes. Yeah. They're fun. I mean, if you're in a slide... Catch me at the top of a slippery slope saying we all the way down. You know what I'm saying? Hell yeah. Catch me at the top of a slippery slope. How about that? Yeah.

Yeah, catch me at the top of a slippery slope. How about that? How about that? Okay, so the drugs I do are going to fill you up. Yeah. With? And they're not drugs. They're not really drugs, if I'm being honest. Although one can have an addiction to eating. One can have an addiction. And by the way, I think you have that. Oh, me? Yeah. Who are you, a doctor now? No.

Are you a podcast or a doctor? I'm just confused. Am I a podcast or a doctor? I have to be one of those two? You have to be one of those. Never a doctor and a podcast. I guess I'm closer to a podcast than I am a doctor. Are you a podcast? You a podcast. I have been eating quite a bit, but it's not kind for you to comment on my body. No, it's not. But your body is really big. You started...

You started this podcast by commenting on my body. I'm sorry. I'll also end it with that. Okay. Well, you know what? Since you have no remorse, which is something I try to preach, by the way. Having no remorse? No, having some. Oh, having remorse. Repentance. I got to be honest with Scott. I agree with Scott. Your body is the strangest form of remorse. So everybody's going to be commenting on my body today? No, no. I'm sorry. It's just right in front of me. I couldn't help it. Chime in here. I love it.

I think it's great. I think you look great. A hexagon. Yeah, I think, you know, we take all shapes and sizes at Kissy's as long as you have a pair. You're not allowed in in the current state that you live. Have a pair of what? A pair of what? You know, you're part of a couple. You're part of a... Oh, oh, oh. I thought a pair of balls. I know, yeah, but also that is like you have to have... Big natties? Yeah. You have to have huge natties. I don't have

These look like breasts, but they're not breasts. It looks like you have three hip bones the way you're standing. Yeah. Well, maybe if I sit down, does it still look like that? Now it looks like you have six hip bones. It looks like it hurts. Immediately. Hurts Donut. Do you sell those? We do sell Hurts Donuts, and every time I sell one, I get in a huge fight. I get my ass kicked every time I sell a Hurts Donut. The rental car place got donuts now.

I'm being serious. Yeah, well, by the way, this is a missed opportunity if they don't start making these. They should at the very least put in like a donut tire that you can ride to a, you know, to another place, a tire place to get your tires. Food and tires aren't that far. Think about Michelin stars. Oh,

Think about them. Think about them. Think about them. Think about them. I can only picture half of one. Don't think about it. I once had rubber and I was sick for weeks. Had rubber in what capacity and how? I ate three condoms on a dare. On a dare. I'm in high school. You ate three condoms? Yeah. I thought condoms was made of plastic this whole time. I don't think you ate the right thing. They're rubber. I think they're... No, they're rubber...

I don't know what the fuck. I know I got sick. You don't have to pretend that you've had sex before. It's fine if you haven't. You're cool if you're a virgin. Yeah, it's okay if you're a virgin. Yeah. You still think you're great. I'm only 17 years old. Of course I'm a virgin. Of course I'm a virgin.

Speaking of that, do you all know any, like, prostitutes that, like... Oh, sure. Sex workers. Yeah, yeah, sex workers. Yeah, yeah, sorry, I didn't mean to be offensive. Do you know any? I love to pay for sex. No. I would love to go talk to the person they work for. Oh, okay, what about? Like, about negotiating rates? No, no, where they make their money and do they have a lawyer? Some of those people might be one and the same. You know, a lot of these people are small businesses, you know.

I want to ask this teenager something. Sure, sure. What's up? What do you want to be when you grow up?

I want to be a drug dealer. The best thing in the world is a drug dealer. Oh, no. You don't want to be that? Just because my name is Michael Police doesn't mean I'm a member of the police. And I'm so fucking sick of people saying that I'm not a high school kid, that I'm actually a police officer pretending to be a high school kid. It's so offensive. If anything, I thought you know. If anything, I thought he was part of the band, The Police. Oh, oh, oh. Like, are you? Roxanne, you don't have to jump into everything.

air tonight we know it's not the song we've eliminated that just from that singing that was rough I thought it was okay that was rough wait you think it was good can I do one more time yeah do it one more time take your time and now you're prepared for it take your time no do a vocal

Please, please. Jumping in the air feels nice today. Jumping in the air feels nice today. Doing that monotone is a perfect warm-up. One, two, one, two, one, two, three. I'll whisper till I die quickly. All right. Here we go. That's not going to help you. Roxanne, you don't have to... tonight. I don't know, guys. Jump on her what tonight? Jump on the air tonight. Okay. If you guys don't like it, that's fine. I'm not going to sit here. You think that's as good as Sting? Huh? You think that's as good as Sting? Who's Sting? Oh...

By the way, your eyes darted back and forth when we said police and sting. Yeah, I got a little horny, but that's only because I like scorpions and scorpions sting. Oh, that makes sense. Doesn't explain the police part, but all right. No, it doesn't. Here's the thing. I guess if I was stung by a scorpion, I'd probably call 911 and accidentally be connected with the

instead of an ambulance. Yeah. So it makes sense. It tracks it. You're right. Nothing like the police. Well, guys, look, we need to take a break. Oh. Sure. But the CBB roundtable is just getting started. Are we allowed to kiss other people on the break? Yeah, sure. What if we hook up with somebody else? Yeah, be my guest. Okay. Yeah. I mean, as long as the hall pass. By the way, you don't even need consent. Do you want to know what happens on the...

I think you always need consent. No, at the CBB roundtable, there are no consents. Consent is waived. Speaking of hookup, ketamine. Anybody know any ketamine? We'll get you some ketamine. But I want to talk to the person who has ketamine. Do you want to know what happens on the break? Yeah, what happens? But I'm asking, like, if something does go down while we're on break, do you want to know about it or would you rather not know about it? I'd like to watch it if that's possible. You're not going to get all Ross on our ass?

I'm not going to go raw dog on your ass. Is that what you're asking? That's not what I was thinking either. I'm a man of the cloth and the pasta. Yeah, you don't know anything about that type of behavior. I'm being passed out. Who do you want to hook up with? Look, we need to take a break. When we come back, we'll see if you hooked up with someone. Okay, when we come back, let's play Spin the Bottle. Okay, see you soon. Okay, we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang Roundtable after this. I want crack.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. This is the CBB Roundtable, very special edition of Comedy Bang Bang, where we get three people in a room and we talk about the issues of the day and what's happening in the world and where, you know, maybe we can solve some of the world's problems. Maybe at least by addressing them, it opens up our minds more.

into possible solutions for them. And I have three great guests here and you couldn't ask for better guests. A wide swath of people here, all gentlemen who...

reside within the Los Angeles area. So we may talk about local issues. We may talk about national issues. I'm not quite sure, but please welcome back to the show. Pasta, pasta. How you doing? Something happened on the break. Something happened. Okay. I want, I want to catch up with this. Let me reintroduce everyone else. Albert Rowe of Kissy's grocers was a, what? Yeah.

I didn't know that a man of distinction like yourself would say something like wasa. I'm just trying to like, I don't know. I'm just trying to be chill now. There's just like a lot going on in the world. And I have a lot of, I currently have a lot of fires in the irons, irons in the fire. So I'm just really trying to just center myself and be chill. If your fire is in irons, you're going to need to dust the irons with water. And unplug them first. Yeah, and something bad can happen.

We also have a very precocious yet entertaining lad, a 17-year-old student, Michael Polis is here. Hey, what's shaking, dudes and dudes? This is cool. All right. This is cool. Thank you so much. It's great. I mean, we've been around 15 years, so almost your entire life. It's great that we have new blood listening to the show and on the show. It's great to have you here, Michael. Oh, absolutely. As a 17-year-old kid and not a day older than that, I can tell you it's real. Is it your birthday? Huh?

It's your birthday? Happy birthday! You're not a day older than 17. Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! I just don't understand how you assumed it was my birthday based on that statement. You said you weren't a day older than 17 and we took you at your birth. Today's the oldest I've ever been.

It's your birthday. You're not one day older than 17. Happy birthday, my friend. Thank you. I didn't know, so I couldn't necessarily prepare for a gift. Bring a cake or some pasta. I mean, you don't even need to give me cake. If you give me, like, I don't know, Percocet that you don't have a prescription for. Percocet. Molly Percocet. What if I had a prescription for it?

No, I'm not interested in that. Percocet. I don't want that. I'm a bad boy. Don't you get it? I'm a bad boy. Like P. Diddy. Yes. P. Diddy, I'd love to hang with. No, the worst boy as far as I'm concerned. P. Diddy? Why? What did he do? Oh, boy. Okay. Well, he's only 17. Can you give me a detail? I don't know. He's only 17. We'll hook you up with P. Diddy if that's what you want. Also, what happened to R. Kelly? Everyone's like...

Does anyone know what happened with them? I'm so confused. The list of bad boys is getting longer and longer by the day. Too many bad boys. We've got to mention Jack Quaid, Hollywood's good boy. Just to balance it out. Not me, I'm a bad boy. I'm always looking for drugs, but only to use them. Not to destroy those who sell them. We'll get you some drugs. Passer-passer, you mentioned something happened during the break. Something happened during the break. I was kissed. What? I was kissed by Albert. Albert? You know what?

I didn't know. Well, I thought he owned Albertsons and that Kissies was an offshoot. And if I had known it really was just Kissies, I would not have kissed him. Wait, you kissed him because you said you were kissed. I was. Well, we met in the middle. Yeah. I mean, if I get kissed, I'm going to get I'm going to kiss back. OK, so it was a mutual. It was a mutual kiss. Yeah. Two people met in the middle. You seem very interested in someone right before the break. So it doesn't surprise me because I thought he had money.

Do you have money, Albert? I mean, I famously have a lot of inherited wealth. Oh, that's right. You're Jeff Bezos' son. Jeff Bezos is my daddy. Then why are you dressed like that?

Yeah, why are you dressed like that? What, like a common slob, you mean? Yeah, why you got on Tom? Who doesn't even know Tom's still made shoes? No, these are my old Toms. I've been wearing these for like two years. By the way, they're mismatched, so it's almost like you have one of the ones from the pair that he's supposed to give away, and then one of the ones that you bought? I said, yeah, give me one good one and one bad one, and then I'll come back. He only gives away the bad ones? He only gives away, he's a bad, Tom's a bad,

God. Tom's a bad guy. Yeah. So you do pretty well for yourself, huh? I do well. You got a lot of money? I do pretty well for my dad, yeah. Well, Jeff, your dad doesn't give you that much money, right? Not anymore. He only gave me like $4 billion when I turned 18. But it's been all... $4 billion? I'm sorry. Do you know how much drugs you can get with that? I'm just putting something together. I'm slow as molasses. Jeff Bezos is your daddy, so kisses. Kisses in English. Kisses... Bezos in English is kisses. Oh, please put this together, because I really...

I hear you struggling with it. I'm just dying for you to pull all these threads together. So you changed your last name so you didn't sound like a Nipo baby. There's an element of that, yeah. My dad, Jeff Bezos, made Whoopi with a Latina. And so there was a slight... A different Latina than his current Latina? I thought you meant made Whoopi. I said, Whoopi Gobergay Latina. Okay, I see. I'm so sorry. No, not...

I'm just, I got jet lag from traveling from Italy. Oh, you came straight from Italy? Well, no, I was in Turkey and then, but I spent some time in Italy. And if you got a direct flight to Italy, I'd like to take, don't take everyone from Los Angeles to Italy. I think that you can fly direct. I was kicking it with Italiano Jones. Were you really? Yeah, we was kicking it, big kicking it. Really? Does he have a hookup for anything? A hookup? Uh, for what kind of, like RCA cables or, uh,

No, no, no, no, silly. Look, I'm looking to get hooked up. I'm looking to get set up. I want to say the obvious right now. Yeah, what do you got? It's time for us to do some baptisms around here. Baptism? I want to say the obvious. Yeah. It's time for us to do some baptisms. What's the obvious? That we have to do baptisms? That's part of the obvious. No, that's the obvious. Pastor wants to do some baptisms. I want to baptize y'all in some marinara.

Oh, I want to bet. Is it hot? Yes, it's boiled. I brought it to a boil. I don't want to do that. Is it 451 degrees? The temperature at which paper burns? Oh my, ain't that the name of a book?

I have no idea what you're talking about. Okay, never mind. That scared me so much when you said that, Scott. Oh my God. I hate the idea of paper burning. Yeah. I want to light some paper on fire now. On fire. Don't say that. It's so scary. Why does it scare you? Why are you kissing again?

I just like the way... Look, so I did a good job. You did a good job kissing. All right, that's honestly... Rate him at a scale of one to ten. He did all teeth. All teeth? All teeth, no tongue, barely lip. It was just hot teeth. We basically smashed skulls, yeah. Ow, my friend. What are you, the predator? It did hurt. All teeth, no lip, no tongue? Oh my God, I've never asked that before. All teeth, no lip, no tongue. You're going to sit there and you're going to ask me if I'm a xenomorph.

That's alien. That's alien, yeah. Predator is its own thing. I believe it has no race that we've ever been able to ascertain. Xenomorph, alien. Root word, xeno. Xenomorph.

Good point. That is an excellent point. I'm glad we got around to that. I'm not the predator. Are you a predator? I'm certainly not a predator either. Because you could go to jail for that. No, I'm not going to jail. I'm not going to jail tonight. No, not tonight. If you ate meat today, you're a predator.

I had turkey bacon. And then pancetta. I'm not a pancetta. Was it turkey bacon or was it bacon that you had in turkey? Because I do think there is a difference. It was bacon I had in turkey. How did you know? I just had a feeling that it wasn't quite the right thing. How did you discern as much? Have you ever thought about going into religious work?

You know, I did try to start a religious sect out of the back rooms of Kissy's HQ, you know. Was this like a Nixxiom spin-off? Yeah, were y'all branding people? I want to get branded so bad. I want to get branded, man. I want to get branded, too. Can you brand us? People talk about these cults, and the minute someone says, like, oh, by the way, part of this is we brand you. That's the minute 90% of the people are out.

Yeah, most of the people say, for this reason, I'm out. And then they don't want to get branded. Like Shark Tank. They say exactly like Shark Tank. Mark Cuban very specifically said, for this reason, I'm out. And then he ran away. Now it's Mark Cuban, Cuban. Nice.

That's a thing. It's weird advertising if he's not. It's actually so like, it's cultural appropriation, actually. Yeah, that's true. A Cuban reminds me of Scarface. And then Scarface reminds me of what I've been looking for. A cocaine dealer who I can meet his boss...

Who was Scarface's boss? Scarface's boss was Frank. I think he was self-employed at one point. And then Tony Montana killed Frank after he found out he set him up. Are you a xenophile? My goodness, the information and trivia you retain. Xenophile. Xeno, dude.

Cinephiles? Meaning like I get turned on by people and movies? I'm going back to school. Sorry about all my stuff. I guess I don't mean like cinephiliac. Oh, okay. No, no, I'm not a cinephile. But I am a cinephiliac. Like I've jacked off to the Green Mile so many times. Because I'm a young 17-year-old

I gotta admit, I've jacked off to a few movies in my day. I've jacked off to the Green Book. Oh, really? What about it? Oscar award-winning Green Book. I've jacked off to the Good Book. Oh, no, well, that's not good. That's bad, actually. This is bad. Oh, I'm bad. We're all talking about jacking off, and I'm the one doing it wrong. That's what happens when you have four men on a podcast. You talk about jacking off. Hey, you guys ever jacked off to When Harry Met Sally? Like, especially at the end? Oh, yeah. I don't want to mention this because of Hollywood's Good Boy. He's on the show quite often, and I don't want to mention anything...

But...

But by the way I'm winking at you, you may know the answer. - I'm getting wanked. - I don't know the answer. - Is the past tense of winked, wonked? - Wanked? - Wanked. - I'm in school, y'all. I'm going back to school. - Me too! I'm in school! - What school? - I go to West, no, I said, I'm in, me too, I'm in school. - Oh, you're in school. You go to Wesley. I heard about you at the Wesley. - I'm just a 17 year old and the only interest I have in drugs is to use them, not to break down the-- - Okay, sorry. - Where are you going to school, Pastor? - No, I'm sorry. No, I wanna hear why you use drugs. I'm sorry.

I use drugs because I'm a young 17-year-old kid, you know? It's not because any other reason. Do you enjoy them? Do I enjoy... Yeah, are you kidding me? The other day I was smoking crack. What are you miming right now? Yeah, you're miming...

You're doing an Andrew Dice Clay kind of like what he would do with a cigarette? Yeah, you smoke crack like a cigarette. You're like hands on the other side of your head. Hey, Scott, how do you know how to smoke crack? It's like you're the bouncer at Pretty in Pink. How do you know how to smoke crack, Scott? Because Scott has smoked crack before. Scott, what were you earlier today?

Around 3 p.m. At the crack house, of course. I went by the Beverly Hilton in the bathtub where Whitney Houston... Do you have the address? Oh, Scotty, you're going to get in trouble for that one. I'm not getting involved. Here's the thing about that, though. It's very sad. People think Whitney Houston...

Overdosed and died. Whitney Houston boiled alive. Now she wasn't even from Houston. She wasn't even from Houston. A cultural appropriation. These last names. You cannot do that. Mark Cuban, you should name yourself Mark White Guy. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. And then that case closed. And then we don't want to hear from you anymore. And I don't want to get into other examples of what other people should do, but at least with that one, we can agree on that. Yes. Thank you. Yeah, and I think we can all agree that I'm not a...

Police officer. Nobody's even saying that. Good. Don't because that's not true. I want to state the obvious. You was talking about somebody boiling. Speaking of boiling, I boiled some pasta. Oh, yeah. Okay. Pasta. You know what else you boil? I'm in school and they're teaching me to say things differently. The things you're miming right now, it was like working on a carburetor. Right. It's like that. Just like that. Anyway, pasta, pasta. Yeah. I just want to say I want to baptize y'all.

Because a lot of what you talk. Well, I got a tub of marinara outside the ragu. A whole tub. A whole tub. OK. It's like a kiddie pool full of red sauce. Great. Or like a cowboy pool because I did boil it. What's a cowboy pool? They got them in Palm Springs, Joshua Tree. Oh, yeah. The little tin thing. The tin thing. Yeah. Yeah. So that's great. You have to go into those with boots on and big floppy hats.

Yeah, but no underwear, nothing like that. Yeah, it sounds like that from Instagram. Just boots and hats. Yeah. I don't have Instagram because I just feel like I would get too caught up with... There's so many food Instagram things. That and women. It's a lot of women on there. And then too many foot profiles. You'll go on one profile before you know it. You spent six hours looking at feet and you're like, whoa. And that fucks up your algorithm if you spend six hours looking at feet. You look at like one...

picture of like huge jugs and then the next thing you know your whole algorithm is jugs. I didn't even really look at it for that long. No, I was just more like, oh, what a physical oddity that is. I was concerned actually. Y'all should see. There is a pasta community. They teach you to say things differently in school. Oh,

There is a pasta, I'm going to do it the right way, pasta community on Instagram. It's a whole community. Really? It is, yeah. If you look at the hashtag, pasta. What's the hashtag? P-A-S-T-A. I don't need to know how to spell things. I just want to know the words. What?

My man. I got a quiz. I got a quiz on Friday. I got a spelling quiz. Okay, I'm sorry. You have a spelling quiz and you're practicing? Okay, I beg your pardon. I didn't mean to snap at you. Yeah, you snapped at me at my damn. How do you spell snapped? Snapped. Snapped. Use it in a sentence? Oh, yes, please. I snapped at you. You snapped at me. Okay. S-N-A-P-P.

That's so close. Okay, no. Unfortunately, you did service Snape. Snape, okay. One of the... Snapped. One of the what, Scott? Professors is what I was trying to say. Hogwarts. See?

C-N-A-P-E-D. Okay, you are so far. Yeah, from the C, you're... Well, that's not one of the words on my quiz. Oh. That's fine. What are the words on your quiz? Pasta. Nice. Prego. Mm-hmm. Um...

Ramsey. Ramsey? Yeah, like the chef. Like JonBenet? JonBenet or the chef. Oh, okay. I will use it in a sentence. I'll probably do JonBenet for extra credit. That gets you extra credit. To use it in a way no one else is going to use it. Great. So four words. That's the whole quiz. That's the quiz. Do you know them all?

I know how to say them, yes. Okay, good. Well, that's a good start. That's a good start. Because you can sound them out and then figure out how to spell them. Right, right. Absolutely. Yeah. Do you know how to spell pasta? Yeah, P-A-S-T-A. Great. Yeah. You're a quarter of the way there. Yeah.

Do you all know how to spell narc? I don't. N-A-R-N-A-R-K. No, N-A-R-C. God damn it! I mean, I think that's what it is because I looked at the internet. What does narc stand for? Is that narcoleptic? Narcotics. Oh, narcotics. Oh, okay. Yeah, I don't know. Looking at the wrong person. But, Scott, why would it stand for narcoleptics? Why would narc...

stand for narcolepsy. Because they be falling asleep in class because they pretending they students. I know why. Let me take it from here, Scott. Okay, thank you, Posse. So they be falling asleep in class because they acting like students, but they was actually up all night at the beat. That's what they call the police station investigating stuff. Who told you? I mean, I don't know. What are you talking about? Hey, what's this? Ah, who do that? Who?

Look, I'm rapping because I'm a kid. I'm going to go to school today. That's not a rap. Please don't play with my dick. He might rhyme. I regret to inform you. Okay, go ahead. I didn't rhyme. I mean, rap styles are very different. That's true. They've evolved over time. If I was a rapper, I would be a mumble rapper. Well, now rap is just like someone mumbling and then another person in the background going, ah!

Okay, maybe we could try making a song. Yeah, of course I could do a song. Let's do it. Yeah, let's do a song. I want to do a song about... Beats have also evolved. I want to do a song. I would love to do a song about pesto. Okay. Yes. One of your words? No, that ain't on the quiz. But it is one of my favorite words, yes. It's close to one of the words you know how to spell really well. It's almost two vowels off. Prego? Close to prego? Almost. Prego?

It's similar to Prego. Cool. When you're ready, I'll hit a beat. Ding dang. Ding dang. Okay. Ding dang. Yeah. So I love to have pesto. That much I know. I love to eat pasta. Skirt. That much is pasta. Skirt. Yeah. Yeah. Skirt. I think this could be good. Skirt. Skirt. You got to hit it with a skirt. I think we need to have a hook from Sting, though. Speaking of hook.

I would love to just get my hands on something to sniff to get me high. Look, Mike, what does speaking of hook mean? I know what it gets you high. You said hook. And I do have the hook.

Oh, okay. Because I thought you were talking about Captain Hook, and that's very dangerous for Captain Hook to sniff cocaine off of his hook. Oh my god, come on. He might sniff too hard and suck it. He already has one normal hand. He's going to use the normal hand, not the crazy. He's a lefty, my dear boy. There's no way he's not ambidextrous. The man has to be ambidextrous. When you have one hand, you have to become ambidextrous. Ambidextrous.

Abidextrous. What's the root word? Abidextrous. Are you in a class or getting ready for spelling? I'm in a class. We have a spelling quiz on Friday. Oh, okay, okay. But it's only four words. But if I spell extra words, I get extra credit. Really? Any other words? If I add other words. And if I use things in a sentence that you wouldn't expect them to be used in, I get extra points as well. So you can, like, any word, like the word abidextrous.

A, no, not that. It has to be at least three letters. At least three? Yeah. What's like the biggest, craziest word you know? The biggest, craziest word I know would have to be... What about the thing that picks you up when you call 911? The thing that picks me up when I call 911 in the hands of my father? I guess. Spell it. The thing that picks me up in the hands of my father. D-A space...

Hands. That's easy. H-A-N-S of O-V-D-E. My M-Y father. F-A-T-

H-A. There we go. The hands of my father. That's going to get you a lot of extra credit, I think. That would be a lot of extra credit. But that's, no, because there's only two words. Y'all don't listen to me. Y'all don't listen to me. I'm listening. I just literally don't understand what you meant. Of course we're listening to you. I want to talk about how we all feel, since it's a roundtable, how we all feel about things that matter to society. Yes. We sit here at a roundtable, things that matter. And you know what, Pastor? We're going to do it. We have to take a break. Take a break. I knew.

I knew you was going to say we have to take a break. We have to take a break. But when we come back, I do feel the roundtable has gotten a little sidetracked. But when we come back, we're going to rein it in. We're going to focus it in. And we're going to really get to some of the issues that are plaguing society. And Pazza, you're ready for this. Am I right? I am. Yes, I sure am. That's what I want after the break. Here we go. And no kissing during the second break. No sucking. No fucking.

After this next break. Even though you said you don't care what happens on the break. After the next break, no kissing. You're sucking your fucking...

So during the break, you're still going to do it? During the break, because you said it don't matter what we do during the break, but okay. Kissing, I understand, but no sucking and fucking? Yeah, this is going to be tough, especially for Michael Police. But we're going to take a break. But when we come back, we're going to have more from the CBB Roundtable, more Pasta Pasta, more Albert Rowe, more Michael Police. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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That's one word a year. That's not a good ratio. It's tough. It's tough to do. Well, you know what is not so tough?

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Animal magnetism? I don't know that I would call it that because it was disgusting. Because Kissy, he has never been with a religious figure before. It's a different kind of figure, isn't it? Yeah, it's a different figure. Yeah, different figure. Kind of like hidden figures, but different. Some of America's great women.

Yeah. I want, yeah. If they do a movie about me called Different Figures, I want Viola Davis to be in it. Yeah. Just to be in it. Just to be in it. Like a cameo? A quick little cameo. Like, hi, I'm Viola Davis. Thanks for watching the movie. Just in an hour, they tell her that she would be on set for less than an hour. Maybe like what Tom Cruise did before Top Gun, where he's like, thanks for coming to the movies, everybody. Yeah, that would be cool. That would be really cool. So there's hidden figures, but you're pitching different figures? Different figures. Okay. How often do you see someone shaped like me? This is a different figure. Okay.

Yes, that's true. I've never seen someone that looks like they have 18 hip joints. Do you look the same upside down as you do right side up? Let's see. I'll get on a headstand for you right now. Okay, let's see. Okay. Completely different.

Looks completely different. She hasn't turned upside down yet. That's probably the reason. You're having trouble with this. Because I'm not as flexible as I used to be. You said so confidently, let me do a headstand. I know. It led me to believe. Because I'm a person of faith, ultimately. So I feel like if you say something, there's at least a little chance you can make it happen. Tiny...

0.00001% chance you could do it. And the numbers vary from situation to situation, but yeah. But you don't have the arm strength to even attempt this. Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves. Hold on. I'd like to get that head down on the ground. You want my head down, ass up. That's the way I like to fuck. You just said no fucking a second the entire time I was looking to

fucking suck you in the brain you were looking hey you're a 17 year old yeah i'm 17 i'm always horny i'm always horny dude okay i want to bust my jizz as you as we all say oh no oh no i'm a man i'm a man at a crawl shoot my it's not that kind of show or whatever we say we kids say these days right i don't know that it's that's like one of the things we can't say we could say we could say it we just choose not to yeah

You know, locker room talks on the table. Sure. We love locker room talk, bro. Locker room talk is fun. Oh, you're going to love this. I once shit on my balls by accident. Oh, dear. What? That's not the kind of locker I think that... What? What constitutes a locker room talk? It's anything that is gross and weird and you don't want to talk to others. It's just the way you said it sounded like you did it on purpose. That sucks. Also, we're talking about... I did do it on purpose. We're talking about the locker at an upscale spa resort. Hmm.

You know, where we talk, where we close business deals. Oh, I thought you were talking about in some like maybe a blue collar, like government agency. I don't know, like an LAPD or whatever. We're an upscale podcast and our advertisers reflect that.

Yeah, that's true. Yeah, no, that's what I've heard as well. The CPMs are through the roof on this show. You're going to ride those CPMs all the way to the moon as far as I'm concerned. CPMs, root word being C. Thank you. Right, that's amazing. How do you spell that, I wonder? S-E-E-P-E-M. I think it's an acronym. It's already spelled for...

Pass it, pass it. You wanted to get to some important issues. What's plaguing our communities out there? You're all local heroes. Everybody want to be gluten-free. That's some bullshit. It's bullshit. I want to talk about it. First of all, the glutes...

Are the biggest muscle in the human body. And they look good. They look good. Imagine trying to sit down without glutes. That would hurt bone. You probably would just topple over. Yeah, exactly. You need your glute. You need the glute. So why is everyone like, oh, I don't want them? I don't want them. I don't want them. Wait, who's saying they don't want them? Everybody. These days it feels like thanks to the Brazilian...

blowout or was it a Brazilian butt lift or whatever? Yeah, the BBL. I got a blowout in Brazil. I got a blowout in Brazil. You got a blowout? It was a Brazilian butt lower. I got my butt lowered. It was too high on my back.

It was hard for people to discern what it was. You were all leg. I was all leg and then a big old ass on my back. It looked like your shoulders, quite honestly. Right. Weird. So I got it lowered closer to my knees so people know what it is. Yeah, it's too far. Honestly, too low. Yeah, a little too low. Closer to the knees is a bad idea. I mean, it's just because I'm no expert, but I don't think your butt should ever be rubbing on the floor. Yeah.

Ever? Even when you said crisscross applesauce, your butt shouldn't be rubbing on the floor. No, no, no. That's fine. But when you walked in and I saw your butt was dragging on the floor. I was literally dragging a wagon. And that's a problem. Right. And now there's stains everywhere.

Yeah, I regret to inform you, you've been leaving brown stains on my floor. That's not what you think it is. It's my brown leather pants. What? The color trend is not what you think it is. Can I just tell you? First say out loud what you think it is. I think it's 100% certified dookie.

As we call it. It's regular Dookie. It's pure Dookie. You thought it was 100% certified Dookie? Just USDA choice Dookie. It smelled like Dookie and it tasted like Dookie. Why are you tasting it? How else would I know it's Dookie? It's bad enough you're smelling it. Smell is not enough. You have a really trained palate, it sounds like. Why? What if someone told you? I'm trained because I've...

I'll hear I rap for you guys to show I'm kid. Yeah, I went to the streets and I was- You don't have to rap to prove you're a kid. We can tell you're a kid. When I kiss something at the store, sometimes if I'm not looking at it, I don't know what it is. So it's interesting that you could smell something and identify it 100% accuracy. I think what you do is much grosser than what I did, to be honest. And it's weirder. I think mine is less weird than both of them. You think that eating shit is less gross than him kissing-

Apples and bananas. Scott, you're not being nice to me right now. Apples and bananas. I didn't say I'm like eating shit because it's fun. I tasted it simply to make sure that my nose was telling me the truth. He did his pinky. You did the pinky. Of a croquette. Almost as if like you're, this is a weird analogy, but like you're a police officer who found a powdered substance at the scene of a crime. I can't even spell police, P-O-L-I-C-E. I can't even spell narc. That's a root word. That's good to put.

Like Popo? Popo. Oh, shit. You think he's Popo? He's Popo. Michael, can Albert and Pastor Pastor and I want to talk to each other for a second. Is that okay? Sure. Do you mind taking your headphones off? Sure. I mean, I don't know why, but I'm guessing there's nothing to be suspicious about. I'll take this off. That man is the police.

When you said Popo, I suddenly realized what you were talking about. Yeah, no, that man is the police, and I've been trying to... Albert, get over here. You're just hanging out with Michael. He's such a cool guy. Get over here. We want to talk to you. I'm getting a pretty cop vibe from him. He seems like a kid. He walks like a kid and talks like a kid. I'm hearing all this. All this I'm hearing. Oh, we need to lower our voices. Okay.

Okay. I'm going to lower my voice. Okay, let's go an octave down. Okay. All right, everyone. Okay, I'm lowering my voice. Do you think he's the police? I can still hear you guys. It makes no sense that you thought I couldn't hear you. Just now you all sound like a bunch of Barry Whites, but I can hear you talking about me. I want to sound like Barry Manilow. Oh, baby.

Barry Manilow, dude, he don't sound low. Take off that brassiere, my dear. Oh, no. He never said that. He said that? Take off that brassiere. That sounds like that could be a rap song. That is a lyric. Take off my brassiere. Oh, no. Take off that brassiere, my dear. Okay, guys. Yes. Michael? I'm really tired of this. You're exhausted. By the way, you're sweating?

Bullets. Is it because you popped a molly? Yeah, did you pop a molly and now you're sweating? As a result, you're sweating? The truth is this. I popped a molly and now I'm sweating. Oh, shit. That's what we said. That's what we said. That's what we said. Why didn't you just say yes? Scott, I haven't been honest with you, Pastor and Kissy Boy. I won't apologize. I've been lying. My real name is Michael Police, badge number 7743BDD. Hello. I am a member of the LAPD.

Oh, my God. What? For over 35 years, I've been at Westfield High trying to bring down drug dealers. Westlake. Westlake. Doesn't matter. You're still lying to us. No, I made a mistake. Start your confession over, please. Come on, please. I'm a 65-year-old man pretending to be 17. I am tired. Hold on. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everybody. A second ago, you were a kid. You were a teenager. Yeah. And now you're telling us you're a cop.

What is real? What is true? You're freaking me out. You fools, I'm a master of disguise. I'm a master of disguise. I pretended to be a 17-year-old kid. Did you take off a disguise or something? Your whole physicality has changed. Yes. As you notice, I'm taller, right? I had small feet on.

I took the feet off and that's why I'm taller. You look sort of like Old Man New Year when he's being thrown in the river by the New Year baby. But he's got a big long beard and stuff. I just don't know who that is. I don't know who that is. Albert.

No, I'm sorry. I don't know that. Yeah. Anyway, I would. Pastor, what do you think about this? This is a police officer. I'm willing to forgive if he's willing to ask for forgiveness and enjoy a meal with me. Something. And you're not allowed to have any food allergies. And if you are, you're not allowed to mention them.

Well, I mean, I'm allergic to nuts and crabs, but as long as it's not that... Okay, so now I don't forgive him. Yeah, I'm allergic to nuts and crabs. Yeah, I don't want nuts or crabs either. I just... I really hope that we can keep this situation between us. What situation? The CBB roundtable going? Sure, yeah, we can keep going. We're not in a relationship. No, the other thing that I said earlier. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Nuts and crabs? I appreciate you. I appreciate you all. Hey, no problem. I see what you're doing. Do you still want those drugs, by the way? No, um...

And for me to tell you where I get them and all that kind of stuff? That's a brick of cocaine just fell out of my purse. You know what? I don't really care anymore. If that happened five minutes ago, I would have nailed you right there. I don't give a shit anymore. Wait a minute. So you don't even care about your job? You just like the thrill of the chase. Yes. I'll admit it. When you're a detective. Oh my God, he admitted. Wait, I've admitted a bunch of stuff already. Why is that surprising? I've admitted more stuff before. I just thought to say that right now. Admit it. Because I remembered it was a thing. Root word, Ad.

Advertisement. Admittance. Admittance. You remind me a little bit of Rain Man when it comes to like, but what if Rain Man was into spelling, not whatever Rain Man was into? I have a question for you simply and plainly. Sure, sure. Do you think I'm stupid? No, I don't. I think that you're one of those people that's exceptionally smart in one thing, and it makes you look stupid. Stupid, yeah. But I don't think you're stupid at all.

This is the CBB roundtable. I mean, I know all gloves are off during it, but that was a little harsh. It's a no-holds-barred conversation between intellectuals and all sorts of types of people. You know what the CBB roundtable is, of course. Can I just say one thing that's harsh? I kept to test you all. I kept saying, hey, do you know where I can get sex workers to have sex with? Right, sure. You all were like, no, I don't. Instead of going, how dare you? Instead of going, how dare you want to get sex workers? I promised to get you one.

I'm pretty sure. Why are we supposed to say how dare you? I'm chastising you right now. But why should we say how dare you if that's what you like? Because I like pasta. I'd be damned if someone said how dare you like pasta. They're just such different things. And I like kissing all the items in my grocery store. If I heard how dare you, that would really hurt my feelings. What you're doing is gross and weird, but it's not as bad as someone that traffics in sex trafficking. I got to say, this is the CBB roundtable, and one of the rules is there are no rules other than the rule,

There is no chastising at the CBB Roundtable. No chastising. Oh, but you all can chastise me for an hour about...

I thought we were pretty cool, old timer. Yeah, you 65-year-old piece of shit. Hey, fuck you. You 65-year-old fuck. Let me tell you something. When you two little fucks were steaming and jumping around in your daddy's nutsacks, I was out in the street protecting the public. I didn't steam in my daddy's nutsack. I came right out. Dad, do you have a picture? I don't believe you. Don't imply that Scott and I are the same age. You should have seen the way I came out. What age are you? I don't even know. I'm 34 years old. Oh, come on now.

Pastor, Pastor, what do you think about all this? You think I'm going to have a take on this nonsense? He says you were steaming in your what now? Daddy's nutsack. I wasn't steaming. I didn't come out that way. I came out a different way. I came out body tempered. He was like 98 degrees at the time. He wasn't sick. Your dad was Nick Lachey. I was going to say, in a boy band.

Yo dad was in a boy band? I was his brother. Oh.

You were your dad's brother or your dad? Both. You could have been part of the lover's blind empire. What happened? What happened? I like how he comes out and says, and of course, I'm Nick Lachey. And you were like, you haven't been a thing for 20 years. Yeah, if somebody new saw you, they wouldn't know. Your wife has been on a recent CBS show. She should be the of course sign. Nick Lachey did the song, Give me just one night, una noche, everybody knows me. Are you a frustrated singer? Huh? Are you a frustrated singer?

You know, I got another thing. Because we're frustrated listening to you. That's not nice. Frustrated listeners. You want to hear a little something nice? That was supposed to chastise you. I want to be. I hardly know this feeling from the side.

I never really talked again. That was Rob Thomas. I was trying to do Rob Thomas. We'll say it again. To pay Paul. You know, I don't know the reference because I've been in Istanbul, but. Oh yeah. Yeah. Not constantly. Yeah. Formerly Constantinople. Yeah. Yeah. Do we want to judge a singing show? Look, should the CBB round table? I gotta be honest. I don't know if this format is going anywhere.

Should we turn this into a singing competition? I think we could. I would like to be a judge. Okay. I have a good ear for singing. I could certainly judge. I would also like to sing and judge if I can. Yeah, we could all sing and judge each other. That's a good idea. I'm a vote for myself, to be clear. Oh, no, I'm going to vote for myself, too, but we should still at least do it.

We should tell you what. We'll make a rule. We can all vote for ourselves other than Michael over here. He has to vote for someone else. Okay. Wait, what? So it's actually that you're the judge, really. And so I creep. Yeah, just creeping on the down low. Because nobody is supposed to know. Okay, great. That's great. Who are you voting for? I'd like to vote for me. Okay, great. You haven't heard the other songs, but okay. But I feel confident. All right, I'm going to go. Okay, you go. Because I'm a creep.

I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? That's actually pretty fucking good too. I don't belong here. That's good.

The ending was weak, but the other part I thought was the strongest. I like the middle. I'm voting for myself. Okay. All right, Albert. Okay, I'm trying to think of another creep song. It's the Stone Temple Pilots one. I wish I knew it. I should have taken that one. I'm just going to do a different song completely because I don't want the creep thing to sort of be the thing that... Yeah, no, you want to make sure you vote for something with a palate cleanser. There must be lights burning brighter.

Somewhere. That's not a better name. Got to be birds flying higher in a sky more blue. If I can dream of a better land where all my brothers walk hand in hand. You almost said Trump. I almost said Trump. That may affect his vote. I am going to vote.

I think I'm gonna vote for pasta pasta. Thank you so much. And I would like to do an encore. You haven't in the bag yet. Michael Belice can vote for me. Okay, Michael Belice. All right, Michael, go ahead and say it. Fine, here's one that's about love. If you're a horny, let's do it. You ride it, my pony. My saddle lives away. What? What?

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I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that happened to you, but you do still need to vote. Yeah, we need to hear your vote. I'm sorry about your loss. By the way, if you vote for me, it'll be a tie. If you're at the polls, stay in line. I'm going to go ahead and vote. You can't vote for yourself. Everybody else is voting for themselves. I actually voted for Pastor P. We established this up top. Why? Is it because I'm LAPD and we just indiscriminately kill young people of color? Yeah, and if you were on fire, I wouldn't piss on you. Absolutely. You know what?

You know what? If you're on fire, I wouldn't shit on you. If he wasn't on fire, I'm fucking unloading the tank. This cop is on fire. None of this is funny. None of this is funny to me. There's a lot of situations where a policeman is on fire. The real song is this. This girl is on fire. Scott, are you going to have to pay for this? When I see my chief, I see him on fire. Are you going to have to pay for this licensing? Oh, yeah. No, we pay all the songs that we use. Who are you voting for?

I mean, I think it's greatly unfair that I can't vote for myself, but I'm going to vote for the pastor. I'm going to vote for the pastor. The clergyman. I understand. People are scared because I have power, you see. You have a direct line to God. I have a direct line to God. I'm like, that's my... Did you want to do an encore? Is your God Cardi B? Do you want more? Yeah. I want to do more. I want to do more. Okay. What do you got? And so I creeped.

You're just doing the same song. Oh, you want me to do something else? Usually when I sing an encore, it's something a little bit different. Not the same part of the song you sang before. Well, guess what? You lost. So, you know, we don't care what you usually do. Can you sing the bad boy, bad boy? Bad boy, bad boy. I know what I'm going to do. Can you sing anything from the bad boy's roster? I wanna,

do this including p diddy okay it's all about the benjamin's baby it's all about the benjamin's baby do you guys want to take your vote what you're gonna do you're singing a rap song like that's not you want to take your votes back and vote for me instead no no this is an encore no this is an encore do you want more cooking raw with the brooklyn boy so for one last time i need you to roar

Is that Wu-Tang? Jay-Z. Jay-Z, sorry. It's like you faded it out manually. What song do y'all want me to sing? It's got to be something I know. Manuel Newman. You all know Manuel Newman? He makes pizzas and pasta sauce. Right. But he's also a good singer. Emmanuel Newman. I don't know him. Oh, yeah. He sang that song, pasta, pasta, it's so nice. Give me that pasta with a little slice tonight. Slice of pizza. I would.

have voted for you. If you had sang that on the first go-round, I might have voted for you. Okay, I'll sing a song. Okay, what do we got? I don't want no scrubs. Scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. Hanging on the passenger side of Best Friends Ride. Trying to holler at me.

me. I don't want no scrub. Scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me. Hanging on the passenger side of his best friend's ride, trying to holler at me.

So that's what, thank you for your accompaniment. I mean. Accompany. I feel like you could start a church choir at whatever church you're at. I can't remember what it is. I don't have a brick and mortar just yet. You brought your brick of cocaine. I brought a brick of cocaine. You're welcome to have services at Kissy's anytime you'd like.

Oh, church services at a grocery school. Sundays were actually really slammed on Sundays. That's a popular day. You gotta get your meal prep stuff for the week. What if we had church services on Tuesday? Tuesdays is good. Tuesdays is wide open. Another brick of cocaine just fell out my bag. Another brick in the wall.

That was crazy. What was that? Man, I wish I hadn't retired a couple of minutes ago. Otherwise, I would have had you in cuffs. Wait, you retired? I thought you just told us who you were. After you put me in cuffs. It's called a silent retirement in the business. It's like quiet quitting. Yeah, this guy quiet quitting on her ass. It's just like quiet quitting. If you had me in cuffs, what would you do to me? Hell yeah.

Hey, we're back to the CBB roundtable. This is one of the topics I wanted to bring up at the CBB roundtable. I would take you to jail. Okay, and then what happens in jail? I mean, you're going to get processed, and then you'll post the bond, and then you'll have to come back. What does the processing look like? It's just paperwork. Okay.

Paper. Working with some paper. As long as that paper doesn't catch on fire, we're good. As long as I can deposit that paper. If I can deposit that paper into my bank, I'm fine with it. This is what happens during the CBB roundtable. All bets are off. The gloves are off. Anything that can be off is off.

And man, we did it though, didn't we? I'm putting my clothes back on. Yes, we did do it. Oh yeah, we have been naked this entire episode. We haven't talked about that at all. But I like that we didn't because this is how we came into the world, bucket naked. That's right. I came into the world bucket naked. This is how I want to leave. So when you get buried, well, first of all, do you want to get cremated or buried? I want to get buried naked. And you want to get buried naked. No casket. You want a raw dog to earth. Yep. Okay. I want to get buried naked with my...

ass in the air so the world can kiss my ass goodbye. Hell yeah. What about you, Michael? I want to get buried next to my dead partner, Alvarado Jefferson, who's the greatest man ever known. Alvarado Jefferson. Now, was he Jefferson? No.

What? Was he one of the Jeffersons? Was he a Jefferson? Yes, because that's cultural appropriation. No, he was one of the Jeffersons. Yeah, okay. Yeah, okay. Yeah, why? What's so weird about that? No, nothing's weird. One of the Jeffersons became a cop in the 2000s and became my partner. I mean, I guess we never kept track of the Jeffersons after that show ended, so one of them could have become a cop.

There should be a way where shows that have ended a long time ago, we just know. They just update you every year of like, oh, by the way, I mean, J.K. Rowling, that notorious TERF, she used to do that for the Harry Potterverse. Yeah. She'd be like, oh, hey, guess what? Wizards, they would dump on the floor and then they would

just apparated away. Why can't we hear that about the Jeffersons? It's ridiculous. I would like to know if they could even apparate. What about the modern family? What are they up to? Yeah, what is Phil Dunphy up to in his dumb ass? Those kids started out so cute and then they got just, you know...

Normal adults. They got not bad looking, those kids. Now that I know you're not a 17-year-old boy. But none of those people are minors. They started as minors. If you ever knew anyone as a minor, off limits, bro. So that means I shouldn't want to have sex with Lisa Turtle from Saved by the Bell because I watched Saved by the Bell as a kid? Of course I want to have sex with Lisa Turtle. Well, Lisa Turtle wasn't a kid when she was shooting.

Nice. Nice. Nice save. Nice. I still really go home and jerk off to her. And there's nothing to feel guilty about. If it's one of those things where you feel like you have to check, feels like you shouldn't do it anymore. Yeah.

If you gotta ask, bro... By the way, you shouldn't be jerking off to anyone as far as I'm concerned. You're a 65-year-old man. Save your energy, old man. Save your energy for the pearly gates. Wait till you little poop mongers become 65 and have somebody say that to you and you're gonna be furious. Ain't gonna happen. I'm going out in style before then. If I could just say one last thing I wanted to say about my partner who died... One last thing? My partner died of...

He died of prostate cancer in the line of fire. What? Yes, he was shot. He immediately, after he was shot, developed prostate cancer and died right there on the spot. And I held him in my hands. I feel like the bullet did most of it. I held his prostate in my hands. It was pulsating. Sounds like you're checking his prostate while he was dying? He liked butt stuff. Well, I tasted it to make sure it was... Oh, okay, I'm weird. You're the weirdest one here. All right, fine. And that's saying something, because pasta pasta is here. Oh.

And I've actually been straight man. You've been the voice of reason here. I've been the voice of reason. You and I have been TV up lately. You and I, we should actually. These two weirdos over here. I was pretty normal, I think. I was like the most normal of all, actually. Probably. Okay, kissy boy. You're kissing products. Yeah, you're real normal. While I'm out here every night in the streets making sure that this community is safe. Nobody even knows that I'm buying LinkedIn.

You're buying LinkedIn. Yeah, I kind of thought I'd get in there with all these other billionaires buying websites. I'm like, which one's up for sale? I'm buying LinkedIn. I'm going to make it into an open source. Anybody can say whatever they want on there. How do you say that website's name? I keep it out of my motherfucking mouth. I know that's right because you're about to get slapped if you can't keep my website out of your mouth.

That's, yeah, that's my website. No, I just signed the deed. I call it LinkedIn. I call it LinkedIn as well. No, you said LinkedIn. LinkedIn, like the LinkedIn project. Like LinkedIn Park? Like LinkedIn Park. Yeah.

I try so hard. I don't know the rest. Are you sure you guys don't want to re-vote here? No. I'm voting for that one. So you like that one. That was good. All right. Well, guys, we are running out of time on the CBB Roundtable. Can you imagine? I can't.

It flew by. I guess one of the rules is that it has a time limit as well. Yeah. So there are two rules. You couldn't do this for the rest of our lives, certainly. I could. I have no way to be. I've got nothing. We are running out of time. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs. Time to open up the bag. Plug.

Ladies, ladies, and gentlemen, you're listening to 106-478-910-1112.9 FM Plug Radio. We want to hear what you've got going on. All right. That was Plug Town Radiosville by Astral Emissary.

Thank you to Astral Emissary. And if you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs and upload your song. They can be opening the plug bag themes or closing the plug bag remixes and you can be famous for a week. And thank you to Astral Emissary. You are famous for a week. And Pasta Pasta, what do you want to plug here? I would like to plug... You want to plug you looking at Instagram or... Yes. Yes.

I didn't realize you needed me to listen to you tell us who did the plug theme, which was beautiful, by the way. I just got off of a plane. Show me some mercy. You got to catch up on what everyone is doing. Yeah. Let me tell you. Well, Scott, I'm going to say something right now. You're not going to like it. So I'm not going to say it. Say it. No, I'm not going to say it. Say it. Are you going to call out these men for being on their phones? No.

Are you going to call them out? I feel like the mere fact that I mentioned you were on yours made them like Pavlov's dog. No, no, no, no. We're all men here. Now all of a sudden I'm a leader? Okay. I would like to plug community.

The show or? No, the general concept. I think people should find community. Find it wherever you can. Find community where you can of good people. People who will lift you up, not tear you down. Exactly. Perhaps a study group at a community college streaming on Netflix. Yeah, with six seasons and one movie. If y'all want to plug that, have at it. Gillian Jacobs, hopefully we'll return to the show so we don't have to do another one of these fucking CBB roundtables.

You have a real star on the show? Well, damn. It's true, but you don't have to say it. I mean, this is fun, but Jesus fucking Christ. Anyway, so what else do you want to plug? That's all. That's all? Nothing? No television program? Why do I have to plug a program that is not struggling to get viewers? It's not? Because it seems like they keep selling ads in the middle of it to like all the sketches are suddenly sponsored by... I don't know about that. I don't know that. I think

They're getting a lot of interesting guests, too, and that's bringing traffic to it as well. I think that program I'm on is doing a fantastic job of staying on air. Okay. You think if I don't plug today, this will be the demise of the program. I think it won't make it to 50. If I don't plug it right now, it won't make it to 50. I'm a big fan. A big fan.

of the NYPD. Let me tell you. They have a dance team, you know. They do? Yeah, we saw that. Yeah, we saw that video. Wow, you're really plugged into what's going on in popular culture. In New York, yeah. Yeah, especially in New York. I have to go, a lot of my flights connect there when I'm heading over to Europe. It's wonderful. Yeah, it's a beautiful city. It's a beautiful city. It really is. The Statue of Liberty, all the rest. Oh, she's gorgeous. It's a concrete jungle where ginger made of. How about her body, huh? Honestly, like, as far as women go... Statue of Liberty's a baddie. Stacked. Stacked.

Yeah. Absolute smoke show. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Try climbing that tree. Her BBL is in the exact right place. Her BBL is where her butt's supposed to be. Her BBL be where her butt be. It's a shame. I once went and visited, but my neck hurt and I couldn't look up. Oh, no. So you just saw everything like street level? I saw a pancake ass. I saw nothing. It was just flat. Everything was flat, unfortunately. If you were...

If you were unable to look up, you wasn't looking at her ass. Yeah, you're looking at her ankles. I was kind of looking at her feet. You thought her ankles were her ass? I mean, it's a really, really big statue, and I couldn't look up because I had a crick in my neck from being out all night fighting crime in the streets of Los Angeles. One of the easier jobs to have, honestly. Yeah, honestly. It's like pizza delivery drivers are in more danger. Yeah. Anyway, Albert, what did you want to plug in?

You want to plug Pasta Pasta going back to Instagram now that she's done? I'm just going to plug Instagram. I do think it's a... Pasta Pasta don't do well with people telling her grown ass what to do. Just an FYI to everybody.

I'm going to go ahead and plug a podcast that I've been playing in the loudspeakers over at Kissy's. It's called... Yeah, it's weird. Nobody likes that, actually, but people do ask me what it is so they can listen to it on their own time. It's called Get Played. It's over on the HeadGum Network, and it's a video game podcast...

hosted by Nick Weiger, Heather Ann Campbell, and Matt Apodaca. And they talk about video games. They talk about, you know, uh, new games that are out, games that are coming out. They talk about video game movies, all sorts of video game stuff. And they have a lot of great fun. And they also have an, uh, a Patreon where they talk about anime called get animated over at patrion.com slash get played. Lots of fun, good stuff. Good stuff. All right. Well, Hey, Michael police, I don't know what you would have to plug. Uh,

It seems like you're retired. I'd like to plug that I went to Costco the other day and I lost my gun. I think I dropped it somewhere and it was fully loaded. And it's that one gun that constantly goes off by itself. So I'm hoping that the Costco in Canoga Park, somebody finds my gun. What I'd like to plug is a young gentleman I know. His name is Payan Benefaz. He's on Instagram, at P.Banny.

decent looking kid. That's a cool way to shorten that. At PBA and I? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I like his style. I think it's great. I think what he's doing is great. If he was here right now, I'd kiss him on the mouth. God, if he was here right now. Whatever he wants. Whatever he wants, I'll do. Whatever he wants. We've never had him on the show. It would be great to have him on and do some sort. And I tell you what, if you guys do hook up, we'll pay for the second date. Cool, thanks. And I hope you try.

Please go ahead. I hope you treat him better than you guys treated me tonight. And treated me, frankly, better than I was treated as well. Why, Pastor Pastor? Because I was attacked for just being... Carl taught me up here on his phone. He don't get called out. Oh, he gets called out. No, I've been up here. Carl don't never get called out. I've been up here, Carl, full on texting. He's too big. He's too famous. He's too imposing. He's too famous.

I don't mean famous. I mean physically imposing. Well, what if I told you I had a weapon on me? A machete. You have a machete on you. Machete, root word being mash. The root word is mash?

Yes, like mashed potatoes. That definitely changes things. Look, I need to plug things if that's okay. Okay. Scott, we would love to invite you to plug something. I need your rapt attention. I'm here. I need direct eye contact. I'm here. Okay, and don't look at your notes. Look at me. I'm not going to look at my notes. Okay, don't look at your notes. All right.

What I want to say is, go head over to cbbworld.com. We have so many great shows over there. We have ad-free episodes of this show, ad-free episodes of Threedom, but we also have CBB Presents with shows like Entree P. Neuer's Entrepreneur Tour. That's a show people should tune into. Featuring appetizer P. Neuer and...

Foster parents. Foster parents. Yes. Parents foster. Parents foster. Parents foster. Don't look away. I'm not looking away. Don't look away. And also we have, you know, Neighborhood Listen in Collegetown over there. So much stuff going on over there. Sure. And you can either subscribe for a month or you can subscribe for a year and you get two of those months free.

Also, we have Wet Day merchandise out there if you want to celebrate Wet Day, of course. Don't look away. It's over at Patreon. No, not Patreon. It's over at PodSwag.com. And the action figures, CBB action figures are out there and the CBB book. All of that stuff is available to you. Yes. And more. Don't look. You want to look. You have to look. He's going to look. I am going to have to look down in order to trigger this theme song. Okay. All right. We're closing up the old plug bag.

What is it? What is it?

40 seconds now seems too long. It used to be under a minute and then 59. Everyone's doing. I think five's good. You start making these five seconds.

That was How You Clopin' the Plug Bag by Chardo. How You Clopin' the Plug Bag by Chardo. Thank you, Chardo. Thank you, Chardo. And thank you to our guests. The very first CBB Roundtable. This was historic. Will you do it again, Scott? I think I will. As long as you three return to do it with me. Oh, I would be delighted. I don't know. So no one here do you deem an A-lister worthy of...

I mean, would I... Alphabetically, certainly me. Sure, Albert. Yeah, I mean, alphabetically by first name. Yes. Yeah, Pasta Pasta, you're a P-lister. I'm a P-lister. And Michael Police, you're an M-lister, unfortunately.

I don't know what that means, but what I do know is what I'm proud of is the work that I've done in this community for over 35 years. What have you done? Is this his retirement party? I have shot so many people who have ran away from me. I've shot so many people who were who stole my gum. I've done things that

Well, you can't steal gum. You're not supposed to steal gum. Yeah. You're supposed to buy it. Yes, exactly. Thank you, Pastor. A death sentence is appropriate for someone. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, I hate to be on the agreeing side, but yeah, you shouldn't steal anything. You shouldn't steal gum.

Yeah, it sucks. A merchant like yourself, Albert. I put that stuff in the store. You order it wholesale, certainly, at a cheaper price than we can get it. Oh, absolutely. But still, there's no excuse for stealing that gum. No, no, and it should be punishable by death, absolutely. If it was up to me, it would be. Unfortunately, it's not. Yeah, well. Yeah.

Well, what a wonderful note to end this first CBB Roundtable on. I think this was a great success. I can't wait to hear what the listeners have to say. Oh, yeah. Please send it to us. Please send it. Tag us. Tag us. Tell us how much you love it. Yeah. Look, you're just as much of a guest on this show as these three gentlemen are. And our favorite guest.

about modern day social media is the interaction with the fans. And they say to us what they like and what they didn't like. I want to know. We need your constructive criticism. I want to know if you really love me. I want to know if you really love me.

I feel like we're stuck in a loop. Do we know any other lyrics? Well, that should be going now.

Ah, fuck. You were the last one. Ah, damn it. We got your ass. Damn it. All right, we'll see you on the next CBB Roundtable. Bye, everyone. Bye, everybody. We want to know. Stay out of trouble, you morons. Motherfuckers. This is the sound of second chances.

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