Chris Gethard, Lily Sullivan, Dan Lippert, Hannah Pilkes
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Ask your doctor if Skeletor is right for you. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thanks to Mr. Pratfall for that catchphrase submission. Hey, stick to pratfalls, am I right? No, that was a wonderful catchphrase. I doubt it's going to stick, mainly because it seems Skeletor-specific and not about Comedy Bang Bang, but I appreciate the attempt. And welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. My name is Scott Aukerman. I am the host of Comedy Bang Bang. Coming up a little later, we have someone who works in the film industry. This is very exciting because stars are back.

So if I'm going to guess, I'm going to say it's maybe Leo DiCaprio or something like that. Why not? Why can't Leo DiCaprio be on Comedy Bang Bang?

And I do this voice to him. No, we're saving that for our special co-host. Also, a little later, we have a vocal specialist. But before we get to our guest of honor, as we call them, sitting in the catbird seats here to promote something, again, stars are back, and we have none brighter than our star who's coming up. I do want to introduce our special co-host here, who's...

was on the show maybe a few weeks back, about two months or so ago. And speaking of someone who we thought worked in the film industry, but I guess owns a pizza place, please welcome back to the show, Tony Sony. Hey, well, this is a crowd tonight. Hey, wow. Yes.

Mama Maria Pizzeria. Yeah, baby go diarrhea, of course. Welcome back to the show. It's so good to see you, Toni. Hey, so good to see you, Scott. I missed you. Oh, I'm grabbing your cheek. Thank you so much. Yeah, ow, a little too hard. Grabbing both cheeks now. I got your nose. The cheeks and the nose. How do you have so many fingers that are prehensile? My hands, they're big hands.

Oh, that's true. Yeah. Is that a prerequisite for making pizzas is to have big just hands like hands? Yeah. Big sausages. That's what they want. Tell us. Remind us about your story, because you were on the show a little bit a few weeks back. And how why were you on the show again?

I was on the show because I give advice to Hollywood people. Like Jake Johnson's agent calls me up, says, is this going to be good for Jake? I said, I don't think so. That's right. I believe Jake Johnson was on the show and his PR person was calling what they thought was the Sony lot. Yeah. And instead it was this pizza place that you run called Tony. So New York. That's right. That's right. Oh,

So New York, that's my pizza place. That's the biggest pizza pie you could get in all of New York. How big are we talking? Size of your fucking head. The biggest pizza pie. That's not very big, honestly. That's the size of maybe a personal pan pizza. Size of your fucking head. Okay, I don't know. I feel like I've ordered a bigger piece of pie. Pepperoni, size of your eyeballs. Biggest pepperoni ever seen. That's not big at all. Pepperoni sometimes are like as big as a mouth.

You're talking about small, small pizza. Okay, that's regular. That's standard issue cheese. Chunks of cheese-sized eyebrows, Scott. You're going to love it there. Chunks even just the size of eyebrows. I mean, one little sliver of cheese the size of eyebrows. No, we're talking chunks. Okay. Oh, you're going to love it. So small pizzas. That's right. And obviously, I run the pizza place with my guma. I love my guma. Favorite woman, Schmuck.

What about your wife, though? I don't want to talk about my wife. I want to talk about my woman. Does your wife... Don't make me talk about my wife! Is she upset that you run this place with your guma? No, she lets me do whatever. She's a doctor. She's a doctor? I got 25 kids with her. 25 children? Everybody's doing great. Going to Brown, Harvard...

What is she a doctor of? She's a specialist. Sure, but of what, though? Of important parts of the body, Scott. She does surgeries. Like penis surgeries? Penis surgeries. Okay, that's very important. Butt surgery.

Primarily butt surgery. Primarily butt surgery. Those are important. BBL. She invented BBL. Really? Yeah, she invented BBL. Okay. I was thinking about getting one of those. Oh, yeah. Oh, you should. You'd love it. Yeah. Too many people are getting them removed. Yeah. Everybody, well, they used to follow Kim Kardashian's lead here. She had that big, beautiful, freaking ace. Size of your head.

Now that is the size of a big ass. The size of a... Actually, come to think of it... Oh, one cheek as big as a head, yeah. One cheek size of your head. Sure. Right? Okay. I'm worried you don't have an idea of proportional sizes or anything like that. No, I know. Her titties, size of your legs, long titties. No, we don't want long titties. The longest titties I've ever seen.

So anyway, my wife, she does a BBL. She's a big, important lady. I don't want to talk about her. Okay, but you're a guma. My guma. She runs a pizza place with you. I love it. Sometimes I look in her eyes and say, how did I get so lucky? Yeah. My fucking guma. Why don't you just divorce your wife and then marry your guma? No, I could never do that. Divorce? What? Is it because of, are you religious? Yes. Which religion?

The one with the Catholic. Oh, the one with the Catholic stuff. Yeah, probably Catholicism. Yeah. Yeah, right, right. I just, I believe in Jesus. Jesus.

Yeah, he's the main guy. The big JC, we call him. I believe in the cross. Sure. Size of your fucking head, this cross. That's small. Biggest cross you've ever seen in your life. No, that's very small. But you know I've been doing stand-up at the pizza place. How would I know that? My guma loves my stand-up. What is your stand-up all about? What's going on with it? Oh, well, you want me to read you some of my jokes? Oh, yeah, sure. I got some jokes for you. We have a little time until our guest of honor gets here. Yeah, well, I got jokes for the whole freaking show. Oh, okay. I go about two hours. Uh.

Uh, we don't have that much time, but I would love to hear a few. Imagine this. You come in the pizzeria. You sit down. Do you have a stage at the pizzeria? No, we got one, two tables. It's intimate. Do you even have chairs or stools? No chairs. So how are people sitting down? Tiny, tiny little benches. Just bent. Tiny benches? What's tiny to you?

Size of a chair. Smallest bench you've ever seen in your life. Size of a chair. I don't know. I don't know how to figure that out. And then I come out, I bring out my big, big microphone. Okay, how big is the microphone? Size of your hand. Size of your hand.

And I start doing my stand-up. The shape of my hand, that would be a weird microphone. Although, I guess those are sort of like the Frank Sinatra used to sing in them when they were circular. Yeah, no, not circular. No, long, long. Long, like titties. Like titties. Yeah, okay. Like a good titty should be. Okay, right. Super long. And I'll give you a joke here, okay? Ready? Okay, here we go. My guma can't cook. The other day she made me roast chicken. She says, what's the matter? You don't like it? I says, maybe next time take the feathers off of it first. My guma.

Pretty good. I mean, I feel like I've heard it before, but... My grandma can't cook. She can't bake, neither. Other days she made me an apple pie so bad I thought it was a peach pie. My grandma... Was it a peach pie? My grandma... She just bought a hybrid car. Okay. Says it's good for the environment because it lowers greenhouse gases. Sure. I says, you want to lower greenhouse gases? Don't feed me any more of that meatloaf lasagna, my grandma.

Okay, these are good. I mean... They slay. Oh, my guma, she's dying. These are good for pizza place jokes. She's so beautiful, my guma. Every second with her is a blessing. Sounds like she can't cook, though, or bake. How dare you say something like that about my guma? Oh, I'm sorry. You said it. These are just jokes. Okay, they're not based on truth? Say whatever you want about my wife. Go ahead. My guma, come on. Can your wife cook? Or bake? She's a Michelin star chef. What? And she does B.B. Hill's?

She's a Michelin star. Has she ever gotten confused and done a pot roast on someone's ass and then a BBL in the oven? Absolutely.

She did a full course. The PBL. PBL. Man. First she did one cheat. Sounds like my dating life. Wow, so you could join the pizzeria stand-up. That's good stuff. I'd love to be one of the roster at the pizza place. Oh, I'd love to fit you in. Or at least a substitute. You could come in rotation when I'm in the back cooking the pizza by the size of your fucking head. Biggest pizza you've ever seen. Okay, I don't know. $25. For a pizza, like a personal pan pizza, that's too much. What?

Haven't you been to New York? These are normal prices. Okay, I don't know. A lot of times you can get like one slice for a dollar and that's as big as your, like a titty or whatever. Oh, yeah, size of a titty, right? But we're talking size of your fucking head. This is the biggest pizza pie you've ever seen. I got to charge it right, okay? Okay, I don't know. Look, Tony, Sony, you're going to act as my co-host for the show. Oh, I love it. I love it. We have to get to our guest of honor. Is that okay? Absolutely, Scott. I can't wait.

I'm losing my freaking meatballs over here. I hope you find your meatballs, but... Papa Pizzeria, let's do this. Let's do this. You know him as a stand-up comedian, an improviser, an actor, and now, what the fuck? An author? This is craziness. He has a new book. It's called Dad at Peace.

And it's being distributed through something that I've never heard of. We're going to really unpack this when it gets on mic. Please welcome back to the show, Chris Gethard. Hello. Thank you so much. Hey. This is Tony Sony. Yeah. I live in New Jersey. I'm well aware of Tony Sony. Oh, you are? Pizza legend.

Pizza legend. Yeah, I've been in. I've been in. Yeah. Wait, wait, where is your shop? Is it in New Jersey? It's in this beautiful little borough. It's in between Queens and Brooklyn. So it's one of the boroughs. Manhattan. One of the five boroughs? It's in there. It's one of those. Okay. Or this is a secret borough? This is like the Harry Potter train station? Yeah. You know, you have to go on the train. Yeah, borough five and a half.

Well, it's wonderful to have you, Chris, back on the show. This is very exciting to see you. Oh, it's great to see you. Thanks for having me. Yeah. You're also a podcaster, I should mention, although we don't like mentioning other podcasts on the show. Yeah. Beautiful Anonymous is still a thing that exists somewhere. It's been going now for probably, if I was going to guess, seven years? Nailed it. Did I really? Seven years. Yeah. By the way, we are, and I meant to say this in the intro, we're on Do Not Disturb. This is the world's first dingless podcast. Yeah.

I don't know if your show can get there, but eventually maybe it will. But we don't receive text message dings on this show. We're the first dingless podcast in the world. So we're very excited about it for 2024. Yeah, you set the bar on that, and then the rest of us try to catch up. Sure, yeah.

I know you're still having dings in yours, but that's okay. You'll get there. You'll figure out the technology. It's a real, it's a real 20, 2019, 2020 move. Yeah. Um, so, so you have this book, uh, you're an author now. How does that feel? Uh, it feels good. Yeah. I've written some books in my day. You've written some, this is more than one book. Oh, this is my sixth book. Sixth book. Yeah. Tell me the titles. I want to know all six. There was, uh, that, uh, hunt for red October. I wrote hunt for red October. I

I wrote To Kill a Mockingbird. Wow. Anything that says Harlan Coben on it, that's me. Okay, that's you. So this one's Dad at Peace. I also wrote Dad at Pills and The Lonely Dad Conversations. So that's kind of a triptych. Are you a father, by the way? I am. It would be a flex if you were just lying about this. If I was obsessively writing about fatherhood from a childless person's perspective. Isn't it terrible being a dad?

Don't you need it? Yeah, nailing it down, nail it down. And then I wrote one called Lose Well, one called A Bad Idea I'm About to Do, and then many years ago I wrote one about haunted places in New York called Weird New York when I was in my 20s. Why so many books? It's like, isn't one enough for, you know what I mean? Yeah, I guess it's just a fire that you can't put out, and also I like doing things when people say that they will pay me money for them. So that's a nice feeling. Here's how I feel. I feel like you see all these guys like John Grisham and they have so many books. Too many, yeah. It's like,

okay, you stick to one, but then everyone in the world has to write one as well. So that way there's not less books in the world, but we have more voices out there. And that's what's important is diversification of voices. Yeah. Give me all the voices. I love it. Yeah. Stephen King wrote all those books and then he wrote another book about writing books. It's like, well, if you're out of ideas, you're out of, you're cannibalizing. For every book he writes, he should have to delete one of his books. Yeah.

Right. If he's really like, no, this one's good. I want people to read it. Okay. Which one are you going to delete?

1963 or whatever the fuck it was. Which is like a real Sophie's Choice about his own books. Yes. You gotta really be confident in your book then. Yeah. 1963. It's like, it's a date. Is it a book? Let's get it out of here. What's going on? Let's get it off the shelf. It's gone. We hate it. Off the shelf, yeah. Thank you, Tony. I appreciate you having my back. I've been to Tony's Pizza and it's great, although it's kind of known on the East Coast for a really good pizza, but not great spatial awareness.

Yeah, small portions. Sort of like a Picasso experience with the pizza. The shapes and sizes are very unpredictable. I've never heard this before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's all the write-ups. Have you ever had a piece of pizza where the pepperoni is bigger than the slice of pizza itself? No.

Not until I got to Tony's post. That's what we do. Big pepperoni-sized freaking body on behalf of a pizza-sized fucking head. You can't even fit that pepperoni can't fit in. Yeah, sometimes you wrap yourself up in the pepperoni. Like a blanket. Yeah. Oh, it's like Love is Blind in there. Everyone's got a blanket on with a pepperoni.

Is that part of the love is blind experience? Everyone goes into the rooms with a blanket? I'm pretty sure they film it in some kind of warehouse. Everybody's freezing all day. They give them blankets everywhere they go. Yeah. I'll keep my eye out for that. So what is this book about? Dad at Peace.

If I'm going to really try to figure it out from the title, you're probably the titular dad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the piece you're talking about is perhaps a state of mind. Yeah, getting closer. Warmer. Pizza, pizza. Yeah, Little Caesars. Colder. We're colder. Peace of mind. Yes, yes, yes. Peace that dadhood. Yes, it's not P-E-A-C-E. It's not P-I-E-C-E. It's not P-I-Z-Z-A? Yeah, it's not P-I-Z-Z-A. Hey, Tony, are you still in? Pizza!

Yay, yeah, I'm in. I'm in big time. I'm sold. So you don't like to read about pizza? You just like to make them? No, I never read. Why shit while you're eating? Why would I read? My guma reads to me. My guma reads to you like what? She reads to me to bed. She reads me a Kindle. Really? Mostly romance novels, actually. Like the Pisces. It's about this lady fucking a merman. Okay. It's a real book, yeah. Yeah, I've never read that one. Where do they fuck? I don't mean location. I mean like...

I guess I do mean location on the body. He's got a dick. He's got a human dick. That's not mermaids.

Is he like mermaid below the penis? Mermaid. His butt is part of the tail, but his front. So he's got like a slanted kind of thing where his butt is part of the tail, but then it like slides down and it goes like his butt to his taint or something? It's like chaps. He sounds more kind of like an aquatic centaur than a full-on mer-creature. I'm just telling you, you got to read the book. They fuck on the Santa Monica beach.

She takes him back in a wheelbarrow, back to her house. They fuck in her house. In a wheelbarrow? Don't worry. It was recommended to my guma during a book club. Best book everybody had ever read in their entire lives. Okay. I think I see what's happening. So what is this book about, Chris? It's largely about me giving up on my life choices because my son is more important than them. But it's good. What were your life choices?

You know, kill myself to try to get public access television shows onto cable platforms. That's right. Starting to feel like maybe I don't need to fight that fight anymore, and it's time to chill the fuck out a little bit. Well, you've had a successful career. You've starred in television shows. Yeah. You've guest starred in really popular television shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you saying that you are sort of...

reigning back on those types of things or your desire to or...

Yeah, a lot of it. What am I trying to say? A lot of it is. Finish my sentence, please. Well, a lot of it was, you know, the fear of getting residual checks for 35 cents started to really get even more scary when my child's health insurance depended on my career choices. Now, health insurance for a child costs more than 35 cents, right? Exactly. Yeah, yeah. We're on the same page on that one. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, you can't, you can't, simply can't pay for it at that rate. So is this, so is this a book about like, hey, I'm going to give up on acting and making shows and I'm just going to write six books?

uh no even the books this will probably be the last book i what a lot of it is i'm i've started working for a non-profit wow and i'm trying to actually that's not a way to make money no yeah right there in the title that lets you know a lot about how things have gone for me in entertainment that non-profit is the more profitable choice yeah yeah so you so you have like uh i don't want to say day job but you have like a regular job what is your job i have a job now where i'm it's the uh

There's this great nonprofit called Wellness Together. They place mental health services in schools and I'm building a whole program with them to send artists into schools to do comedy.

To help as like a mental health intervention. Let me guess. You get like a six figure check to do this comedy in these schools? No, I don't get anywhere close to a six figure check. If you want me to come in one of these schools, I would love that so much. I would love it. Do you have another joke? Absolutely. I got tons of them here. Let's hear what else I thought of you. And this is sort of like an audition for apparently this guy's pulling the strings. No, I can get you gigs in middle schools, high schools. I would love that. Let me know.

Let me know how this will go. I just have to make sure it's appropriate for a school environment. I'll find an appropriate one for you. Okay, here we go. Let's see here. People always say in New York, P.U., it stinks. I says, you want to smell something that stinks? Try my guma's meatloaf lasagna. Stinky, stinky, my guma.

I'm going to make sure that we exchange information before we hang out. You may have to prep the students regarding what a guma is. Because they seem focused on that topic. I was going to say the meatloaf is stinky because it was eating the meatloaf made you have stinky farts, I thought. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It's stinky coming out of the oven. It's stinky coming out the butt.

It's thinking all the way through. Yeah, the whole process. Every step. P-U-E-U. P-U and E-U. P-U-E-U. P-U-European Union? I know how this one would go over in elementary school. Let's see. Yeah, yeah. My guma took me shopping the other day. Tells me I need a new suit and fast. I says, baby, what do I need a new suit for? She goes, hopefully your funeral, my guma.

Oh, it's just threatening. Wishing death upon you. Yeah. Yeah, no, I think that could work. Yeah, we're going to talk. Yeah, it sounds like a Rodney Dangerfield style joke. You don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. You ever see Caddyshack? Oh, that guy. No, it's not like that at all. It's about my good man, not my wife.

I'm talking about my freaking wife. Okay, yeah. I would, because it's funny. I would point to Dangerfield as probably the biggest influence on your jokes, so you didn't even know who he was. No, no. I would almost say that you might have looked up Rodney Dangerfield jokes and then just appropriated them. No, no. He's a completely original. These are Tony's Sony or So New York. How do you pronounce your actual name? So New Yorker.

When we arrived in New York, it was someone, a Yorker. And then over time, we dropped the A and the O. So your ancestors were just commenting on like, oh, so this is New York. Yeah, New York. So, New York. So.

New Yorker? It was originally a question. Should we stay here? Someone, New Yorker? I guess you didn't have a lot of options, but I guess you could have gone through the Panama Canal and went to California, maybe? Yeah, maybe, yeah. It would have been a longer trip. Yeah, I guess so. So this is all a book about your experiences as a father as well? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And yeah, just how that experience has encouraged me to change some of my priorities up and how I'm a happier person for it. Are you really a happier person? Because a lot of people say a lot of people in show business and you're not giving up on show business. We should make it like 40 percent, 40 percent. And then the other and then the other 60 percent. It's allowing me to really love it again. Right.

the pressure is off because the pressure one has when you get into show business, there's a lot of competition, not only in the business, but between you and your friends of like, why is my friend getting this? I'm not getting this. And you know, I want to, to achieve this in my career. And you're just letting go of all of that and saying like, whatever happens happens. Yeah. Yeah.

Exactly. And I think a lot like you and I have hosted TV shows and I think a lot about my old TV show and how I used to grind my teeth so hard that two teeth of mine fell out in our writer's room. And I sit there and I go, maybe I should change my priorities now that I have a son. I don't want him to have a toothless father because I'm living a life where I'm opting into a relentless amount of...

of stress that's progressively more low paying the longer i do this one can have a tv show without doing that i believe i had one turns out i can't okay i see you can i'm glad for you your teeth look great mine were literally falling out of my head he's the size of a fucking head i don't know if you're considerably smaller have you ever seen a human head your eyes by the way are down like staring at the floor

They're huge. Have you ever tilted your neck up? What size are these things? Let me give you a checkup from the neck up. Here, come here for a second. Here, now you're looking at our heads. Whoa, look at these things. Smaller. They're the size of our heads.

Tony, have you ever seen a doctor about how you perceive things visually? Let's see. I went to a doctor for, I had a little, I had a yeast infection. What? Too much pizza dough? Too much yeast.

Yeah, my guma. My guma says I should be eating less yeast. Is this a bit? This sounds like the setup to one of your talks. Okay, yeah. You're working from notes right now.

Well, it sounds like a great book. Now, let's unpack how people can get it, because here's how I usually get books. I go down to the library, and I just walk out with them. And hopefully they don't have the little censors in the book. You're living in the past. What you need to do to get books now is go to Everand.com, and that's where you can get my book.

I love it. What is this? It's formerly known as Scribd. They just changed the name. That doesn't help me. Nope. It's just a service where you can sign up and there's tons of books on there. So these are, it's a place they've commissioned the book. Yeah. And then they paid you a certain amount to do the book and it's exclusively on Everand.com. So what, are they selling me the book? It's shipping to my home? No, no, no.

I'm getting it online. Your guma can read it to you off of the Kindle. On my Kindle? I love to hear that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll let him know. And how many, is it the same as pages or is it, how many computer screens is this book? Right.

Great, great, great question. Really great question. Thank you so much. I don't have the answer offhand. Sorry to say, but that's a fantastic question. Okay, I appreciate that. Yeah. Well, look, we need to take a break if that's okay. Chris, can you stick around? Oh, I would love to. Yeah, we have some fascinating people on the show. I know you're out of the business, but we have someone who works in the film business. 40% out, yeah. Let me ask you this. Yeah, yeah. If I were to make you a deal and say like, hey,

I have a television show I want you to star in. It's out here on the West Coast. I want you to leave your family behind for, you know, five years or so. And I want to pay you two million a year. And it's guaranteed to win Emmys. What do you say? Guaranteed to win Emmys. Two millions a year. But I have to move to the West Coast. Yeah.

It's Ted Lasso. You get hired on Ted Lasso. I don't know. There's a part of me that feels like I'm talking a good game, but I'm like, I don't want to move to the West Coast. It's just the West Coast? How about England? Yes. It's really a Ted Lasso. It's a Ted Lasso spinoff where they're like, here's Ted Lasso's dumber brother. Wow. Dan Lasso. I mean, sounds like... Dan Lasso, yes. Sounds like a guaranteed hit. Those always work. If I'm with you, I wouldn't... Dan Lariat. Dan Lariat.

Yeah. What do you do? Yeah, it's a maybe. It's a maybe. Good. Okay, that's a maybe. Yeah, I'm not a fool. I'm not a fool, but I'm not scrambling for it. The pressure is off. I'll put the $10 million and the Emmys in escrow for you. The $10 million is probably, if we're being totally honest, a real motivator. Yeah, I mean, look. Real motivator. They're not paying you that much at the 9th breakfast? No, no, no. Turns out, no. Turns out they're not. I don't get out of bed for less than one mil. My wife, she's making 10 mil. You're out of bed right... Who gave you one mil this morning?

This morning? Because you're out of bed. You're not just because I know it's audio. No, yeah, yeah. You're not laying in bed. First day I'm out of bed. No. Yeah. Yeah. I had to accrue so many days. Yeah. Until I finally hit the bill. Too many pepperonis on top of you. Okay, Tony. All right, Tony. We got to take a break. Do you have any other toppings, by the way? We got pepperoni. We got cheese. Okay. We got sauce. These sound like tiny, terrible pizzas.

We're going to take a break. Size of your fucking head. Size of her head, of course. We're going to take a break. When we come back, we have someone who works in the film industry. We have a vocal specialist, an incredible Comedy Bang Bang episode for you. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Chris Gethard here. He is the author of Dad at Peace, which people can get at the, I didn't write it down. Everand. Everand. And .com. .com. Yeah. And where the book is about him intentionally giving up show business. Now, this is different from my experience where I just don't get jobs. Right. Right. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I feel bad about it.

You're saying feel good about it. I was saying... Yeah, I'm saying I was like... I was at the stage of feeling bad and then hit a point where I went, I don't want to feel bad anymore. Right. So I turned that corner that it sounds like you're... No, no, I'm still on that... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barreling down that highway feeling bad. Yeah. I started to really think about life and go, why do I spend...

eight to ten months of the year feeling really scared and bad. Right, okay. And then I started making some changes. I should take that off-ramp is what you're saying. Well, no, not necessarily, but for me, it's turned out really well. Okay, all right. Dad at peace. We also have Tony Sony here. Tony, so New York. So New York. Hey, how you guys doing? Yeah, well, hot

hot crowd tonight. Do you have another joke for us, by the way? I always have a joke for you guys. How we doing, everybody? Enjoying the pizza by the size of their fucking heads. Let's see. My goomba keeps begging me to go on vacation. I says, okay, where should we go? The Bahamas? She says, I don't care where you go. Just get out of the house. I got a hot date coming over. My goomba. I love her.

Oh, my guma when I look in her eyes. Wait, who? This was about your wife or your guma? Did I say my wife? I don't know. I lost my place. Maybe I said my wife instead of my guma, which would have been a slip because I never talk about my wife until I came on here. Right, right. Now suddenly I'm talking about my wife and that freaking $10 million. Who do you hate more, your wife or your guma? I don't hate my guma. I fucking love my guma. Okay, but you hate your wife.

I go to sleep every night looking my grandma's eyes, I say. How are you spending so much time away from your wife? I say. She sounds like a very accomplished, incredibly attractive woman who's a Michelin star chef as well as an accomplished physician. Every day with you is a blessing, my grandma.

Read to me from the kin. What a strange life you have. And then you said just... Did I overhear, too, 25 kids? 25 kids, yeah. And they're all in Ivy League colleges? Everybody's doing fucking great. It's amazing. So happy for them. They're all out of the house, though? RISD! Harvard! Yale! These are their names? Yeah, but listen to this. Yale goes to Harvard. Ha ha ha!

I'm a ghost of Stanford. It's too much to keep track of. It's too much. Go over here. Make me a pizza. You just spend time with your guma. You're happy. I need a little of that calzone, if you know what I mean. I don't. You've never mentioned calzones. It's a pussy. I need a vagina. Oh, okay, okay. Do you make calzones? No. Fuck no. Absolutely. It's just folding a pizza in half. Pizza the size of your fucking head. Okay, this would be like the size of half a head.

Never mind. That didn't make no sense. That's a half of a head. You mean like a shoulder? I don't think a shoulder is a half of a head. Is that... Okay, okay. We need to get to our next guest. Is that all right? Yeah, I love it. Okay, great. And Chris, I have your audible yes from you. Yeah, I'm into it. That we can get to our next guest? Yeah, yeah. It's like being on an airplane. I need...

I'm in the exit room. Visual confirmation. Yeah. Audible confirmation that we're okay to go to our next guest. I'm locked and loaded. Ready. Let's do it. Okay, wonderful. Let's do it. Let's make it happen. He is someone who works in the film industry. Is it Matthew McConaughey? Oh, I'm excited. Tom Cruise. I'm really excited to find out. Ben Affleck. Please, please be Surrey Cruise. Does Surrey Cruise work in the film industry? Please let Surrey Cruise come to the podcast.

I don't think it's Surrey Cruise. Surrey Cruise doesn't have a job yet. We don't know that. We don't know. The ultimate nepo, baby. I'll tell you that. I know. Yeah. Now, I'm reading the name out loud. Matthew McConaughey? No, Matthew Zimmerman. Please welcome to the show Matthew Zimmerman. So happy to be here, Scott. Thank you so much for having me at the podcast. Yeah, I hate the stat, so antagonistic. Yeah.

You hate to stat what? Start the podcast so antagonistic. But this is a little bit of the problem with the perception of Hollywood is it's a big name if it's somebody you know from on screen or an actor. Yeah.

I work in Hollywood in a very important capacity, and yet you've set me up to be less exciting than these names you know so well. I apologize for that. I mean, Chris, you know this about me. I've always said that the true names above the title on the poster of the film should be everyone but the stars. So you should see the entire credits on a poster above the title of the movie. I couldn't agree more with you. The poster should be mostly names. Mostly names. Because honestly, I don't want spoilers on the poster.

And, you know, like when I would see Star Wars, I was like, you know, oh, yeah. Oh, this is about a guy with a laser sword. Yawn. Yeah.

This is the whole movie for you. You can apply everything just for the poster. I was just looking at the one, an Ashton Kutcher movie with, what is her name? Rest in peace. Cameron Diaz? Brittany Murphy. Brittany Murphy, yeah. Oh, I know. I said rest in peace and you started doing the Rolodex of all the women Ashton Kutcher's been in movies with who are dead and Brittany Murphy was the one you remembered.

Anywho, point being, it's all midriff on her and you go, oh, I get what's going to happen in this movie. It's just going to be Brittany Murphy's back for the whole movie. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, I don't know that that factored into the plot at all. Maybe I misunderstand posters, but the point is I do prosthetics on films, Scott. You do prosthetics? Yes, I'm nominated for Maestro this year. I'm nominated for Golda this year. I did the noses on both of them. You did the nose on Maestro? I did the nose on Maestro. That's the star. That should be above Bradley Cooper on the title. That was a very divisive nose. Oh.

A lot of people say that about Bidozes, but then they look at me and they go, oh, I see what's happening here. Yeah, I didn't want to say anything, but you have a honker there.

A schnoz. I wonder if I didn't want to say anything is a good lead up to a statement like that. Because all it puts in my brain is you've been sitting there thinking about how big my nose is. I have. And it was a game time decision. I was like, do I mention the size of everyone's nose before when I introduced them? And I decided not to on this show. But with you, it seemed like it was a mistake because you have a giant one. Oh, yeah. Well, thank you for the compliment. A nose as big as your head is. A nose the size of a couple eyebrows, that thing.

Yeah, I guess. Not in volume. Eugene Levy or something like that. But it's Oscar season, and I'm just out here kind of doing the rounds and trying to get myself the awards because I'm overlooked. Yeah, is there a category for prosthetics on the Academy Awards? This year for makeup, I am nominated for Golda and for Maestro. But for Maestro...

I mean, yeah, very divisive noses, Chris said. A lot of people were saying, should it be that big? Should Bradley Cooper, one of the most handsome movie stars, is it like a nose cosplay, you know? Right. Should they be hiring people with noses that big to play big nose characters? Yeah, exactly. Like, who has a nose that big that's a movie star? I'm trying to think. It's very rare to find a movie star with a big nose, but...

you know, at the top of my head. It's kind of referenced in the other Bradley Cooper film with Lady Gaga where she's got the big nose that she points to. Oh, yeah. Never forget that scene. This dude's obsessed with noses. Yeah. What's going on with Bradley Cooper and his nose fetish? I just wish he was peeing on stage more often, you know? Did he pee on, oh, in Star is Born? He starts pissing himself during the speech. But,

But all I could think about was his fake nose in that. Did you do his nose in that, too? That's how we bet. Yeah, at Star is Born, I did his nose. He had a fake nose in Star is Born? Oh, yeah. Almost every character you see in a film is fake nose. Really? Because of by work, yeah. It's like how most film sound is recorded after the pact by a Foley artist or anything like that. Is there any way to clear your throat or...

Is this just like a cold you have, or is this like an every... You do speak like someone who has a completely closed-off nasal passage. Well, I do have... What's the thing with... My septum is deviated. So you work on noses. You don't know what a septum is? No, just the word didn't occur to me. I'm rarely on microphones.

I don't want to make any conspiracy style accusations, but you sound like someone wearing a fake nose over your own nose. Do you mind if we tug on your nose? I don't want... Hey, I'm coming for your nose. I got the cheeks. You get the nose. You're holding me down by the cheeks. Can you move? No, I'm stuck. I can't move. I'm frozen like a cat. He's as big as his fucking head. Okay, okay. Phew.

Yeah, didn't come off. He seems relieved it didn't come off like it's supposed to come off. A few of my real nose stayed on. I don't know. I think that thing's fake. I'm coming for it. That was incredibly aggressive, Christopher Gethin. If you ask anybody, my reputation is as an incredibly aggressive human being. I can tell from you, even the shirt you're wearing, jawbreaker. It's like, I can tell. I picture you in Berkeley, 1995, you know.

a punch and kicking an elbow in and telling everyone that your presence is the present or whatever. Those are some very accurate references to the 90s punk band Jawbreaker. Yeah.

So you're out there trying to get the award. Do you think you'll win it? I mean, it was the biggest nose. See, this is the thing. Like, you did the biggest nose. I did the big. And if the reward was just a biggest nose, I do think that should be the Oscar. It should just be biggest nose. Yeah. And it would affect the pims we watch. On the acting side, it's always who does the most acting.

You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Who shouts the most? Yeah, but I have been snubbed. The only award I have ever gotten is from the MTV Movie Awards for the penis I did in Boogie the Bites, which was, of course, inspired by it was originally a nose prosthetic. Now this is John C. Reilly's penis?

It's unseen in the film. Yeah, I did all the penises. All actors are wearing prosthetic penises whether you see them or not. I knew this because on my show we made everyone wear prosthetic penises. Every guest, every person. You're wearing the fake penis right now. Oh, yeah. I remember seeing Kelly Cuoco and going, holy moly. Cuoco loco. Cuoco loco. Cuoco loco.

So, yeah, I mean, you should win. I mean, it was giant, that thing. I appreciate it. I appreciate it. And I'm here for me, but also all the below the line. You know, they're cutting them out of the broadcast. Kimball probably isn't even going to mention By David, the show. And it's just, I worked so hard on these doses and I changed the form of films. I mean, part of...

You know, film is a collaborative medium. So part of it is like you had to find a cinematographer who could fit the nose in frame. Figure out what lens they're going to use to get the nose in the frame. And I have to work with them on the nose. Yeah. Because quite often in that film, like, there was danger of him turning to the side and then the nose just going out of frame. All the time. They go, we got to do that again. The nose left the frame.

And then everyone goes, God damn it, Matthew. And I go, it's not my fault that the nose is leaving frame. I made the nose accurate to Cooper or whoever he's playing in the movie. You don't know who he's playing in Maestro? He's playing Maestro, baby. Oh, man, I got a joke about Maestro here. Oh, yeah, yeah, let's hear it. My guma, she wants me to take her to see Maestro. I says, if you want me to die, why don't you shoot me in the head? That way I don't have to watch Bradley Cooper sing. My guma.

He doesn't sing in Maestro, I don't think. Yeah, I don't know if you know what Maestro is about. Yeah, there's a dance montage where he's singing. Oh, yeah, that little sailor boy. Yeah. I guess there's the on the town portion of it. Is that what it is? Yeah, I walked out. I got to say, for this industry, I heard some of your discussion earlier. I find that your comedy to be too misogynistic.

It's all at the expense of this woman who you will not commit to. Whoa, I love my guma. What are you talking about? You say you love her, but then commit to her. I'm a jilted man. I've been somebody's guma before. I'm so sorry, really. You're not in a relationship. Well, no, no. My work is my relationship. My nose is my relationship. Are you trying to say you have sex with your prosthetic noses?

That's not what I'm trying to say. It happens to be true for me. So wait, so Bradley Cooper's giant nose, how's it feel going in that thing? Oh, baby. So freaking good. I wouldn't do it if it wasn't absolutely food of the gods for my penis. Wait, were you doing it like in between takes? No, no, not till wrap. Not till we wrap. Yeah, after wrap. Wait, is it still on him?

When I do it? Yeah. It depends what the actor wants. I never force an actor to keep it on for it. But I do ask if they want to. That's nice. That's polite. It's very polite. It's like Louis C.K. used to ask. Well, you know what? Who was you a guma for? That's what I want to know. So I'm piecing together the syntax of that sentence. Who's was you a guma for? I need like a New York translator here. It's like a Dr. Seuss page.

You's a who's a... It's not anybody you would know. It's another below... You know, I wish you knew them because I wish I could get with you all the below the line people. Sure. I think we should know every single person in the world. Yeah.

Don't you agree? Well, can I... I don't want to be too divisive, but I do feel like someone has to bring it up. I fully support the idea that below the line workers deserve and need more credit. I'm with you. But you're saying Kimmel won't mention me because of that, but there is kind of an elephant in the room that knows a lot of people said it was a very anti-Semitic choice, too. Yeah. Okay. Maybe that's why Kimmel's not going to specifically shout out

Bradley Cooper's nose while hosting the Oscars is...

I had read, by the way, that you had the opportunity to take your name off of the film. And you chose to keep it on. I asked them to make it bigger. Just like the nose, right? Size of your fucking head. Well, I mean, it's an interesting conversation because even to speak out and say the nose is anti-Semitic means that you're being a little anti-Semitic by saying that. People say it to me all the time. They go, whoa, this guy's an anti-Semite. I go, because I'm Jewish and I have a big nose, it's just the way I am.

Yeah, well, I remember once I was sitting outside my apartment out in the valley, and it was a big Russian population of people. Uh-oh, this ain't starting good. Someone came up to me and said, like, are you a Russian Jew?

And I was like, oh, because of my nose? Oh, no, no, I'm not. But it felt kind of like I was the victim of anti-Semitism. Wow. Even though you're saying that as a non-Jew is a very interesting conversation piece. But don't you agree? I very much agree that that man was being anti-Semitic. Take a lesson from me because I've gotten canceled before. You need to delete that out of the podcast. Really? You've gotten canceled? No. No.

Not Tony Sohn, New York. So on the stand-up circuit, I got canceled. Really? Too much about goomahs, I guess. Every joke? Every joke. They hated it. Okay, well, I'll take your advice. I'll definitely... Oh, wait, our editing machine is still broken. Fuck. This thing hasn't been fixed for like a decade at this point. Oh, damn it. I don't know. All right, well, I guess it stays in. But yeah, I mean, honestly, like, I wouldn't be taking the credit for this nose. What? What? What?

This is unbelievable. In 2024, that I can't make Golda Meir and Maestro's nose big, huge, and Jewish without getting some sort of blowback. No, I think you can. I just think it's...

I just think it's a little... I guess it was, Scott. I just feel like it's a little presumptuous to say Kimmel's not going to bring up my nose because he's against below-the-line workers. Yeah, when he's probably going to bring it up to talk about how anti-Semitic it was and make a joke about it. If anything, you know, we should have more Jewish nose representation on screen so people don't think this about the characters. It's not enough Jewish noses out there. Jewish penises. Anything that, you know, Jewish...

bodies need to be represented it'd be hard to do a prosthetic to make a penis smaller oh my god yeah what's the what's the cancel this out of the podcast sorry tony do you not want to be my co-host pull back the curtain on that how do you how do you do that make a uh like a penis for a certain uh

Like Willem Dafoe, there's all these Hollywood urban legends. He has a huge hop. If he has to play a small penis man. Supposedly, Willem Dafoe apparently has the biggest penis in Hollywood. What if he has to play a small penis man? A certain goblin's penis is a little... A shade of green, of course.

Well, you know, with Dafoe, just as a quick side note, you can Google it. There's a GIF of him in a play swinging around that big thing, and it's incredible. Oh, dang. I'd love to see that. Why? It sounds inspiring. Okay. It also sounds like you can. Yeah, it sounds pretty easy. He made it pretty clear. Maybe you couldn't get it through the Kindles. I'd have to talk to Michael. I don't do technology. She does it for me. Okay. Well, it's going to look good for you in the future.

It's an amazing penis. But what I would do is, first of all, you've tried to do all prosthetics practically. So first, I would ask if the actor was comfortable pulling penis in. And you do tape or any sort of hair clips and stuff. What you would do with someone's hair for a wig, you'd do with the penis, too. Hair clips. Wow.

Yeah. So it's a long process. I remember when we did the Grinch, I think Jim spent four hours in the penis chair before every day. The Grinch is naked, so that makes sense. I've seen one of these penis chairs before. So they're laying backwards, right? Their legs are... It's like in stirrups, sort of? Their feet are in stirrups, but then their hips and their legs... It's like a gynecologist thing.

I've never heard the emphasis on the O. I've got to call it. Oh, just...

Yeah, it's like that. There's stirrups up their back, and then you pull the penis down between their legs. Oh, yeah. And you're working from under them if it's a big one like that. And that way, it's totally clinical because you're not looking at their face or their body. So it's like a car. When you work in a car, you're looking up. Yeah, and I slide right under there on the little wheelie thing, and I get out, and I wipe my hands on a rag. Yeah.

inherently you're going to get a little messy. Um, and I throw the rag on my shoulder and I say, yeah, that's going to cost us. Um,

But to answer your question, I'm so glad about your curiosity about the business. I don't know how you did it on the Chris Gethard show. I don't know, because public access, if you went natural under your pants or what you did. Once we went to cable, the actual penis manipulation was one of the big, the Peninas Press. That was new technology at the time, the Peninas Press. You invented the Peninas Press? It made everything a lot quicker and flatter.

I'm glad it worked. Because you don't want any bulges. You know how there's someone on set all the time smoothing out your sweater? Yeah, smoothing out your shirt. A little mint brush. A constant mint brushing. You don't want any bulges down there. So use the Penina's Press. The Penina's Press is...

Does it have ridges on it? Are we talking like little grill marks on there? Or am I talking just fully toasted? No, right now what we do is with ridges. But we're working on, first of all, I've partnered with the Theragun people to do more of a press that is less ridged and flattening. Oh, that's good. It was cool you invented it. I can just say it was around like 2017, 18. We were using it on our show. And it was at that time...

largely the technology. You say you invented it. It was mostly just, hey, now it's time. We're going live in 15 minutes. You gotta come stick your penis in this panini press. It's just a panini press and then

It's like a George Foreman grill-style thing. And they were all hot, too, which complicates the process. Yeah, really hot. And the people operating it were hot. So it was hot. They were hot. They just really clamped down to make sure no penis showed up on TV. So you're very confused because you're like, I'm looking at a hot woman. This is making it bigger when I want it to be flatter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When we figure out a better system, we'll use it. But it was discovered by accident by me while making a panini like most wonderful inventions were. And I went,

oh, hang on, this could speed up my penis shrinking for movies. Wait, so like vaccines were invented by people making paninis? So your dick just fell into that thing and then you shut it? Was it an accident or were you doing it just experiments? So many questions. My dick

I kind of want to know if it just flopped in there or if you just had a moment of inspiration. Like any decent human being, I make my sandwiches. They can win you the poo-style pants down. That's how I make all my pizza pies. No pants. Well, that includes the yeast infection. Absolutely. You got to watch out for that.

But yeah, so they flopped in while I was making myself a brie ham and apple sandwich. You put the apples in the press? What's that? No, never mind. Yeah, you got to put the apples in the press. I mean, the apples. Apple slices are already flat. You need a flatter? Well, no, you don't press the apples. You press the sandwich with the apples inside of them, Scott. Sorry, Tony.

The apples need to be hot, too. He's about to blow his top. Oh, my gosh. You got me fired up. Hey, sorry we're talking about penises so much to our listeners. This is what happens when you get four guys talking on a podcast. That's what we do. That's what we do. Don't get me started on my hug.

Well, look, I wish you the best of luck. Do you have anything else in the works here? Any movies coming up? Oh, yeah. We got a lot of exciting stuff on the pipeline right now. Let's see. As far as nose prosthetics, we're working on... I'm working with Marvel for a new nosy superhero. Really? Yes. So that should be interesting. Is this a superhero that exists or this is a... It's Superman. It's a Jewish Superman. I don't know about this. What? What?

What? What do you mean? I had hoped that was your speech impediment.

There's Jewish Superman. I mean, Marvel's a great... Superman already was invented by two Jewish creators. Yes, but they never engaged with his Judaism, do they? You know, Martha, Kent, and... There was always at least three pages devoted to him, you know, going and reciting from the Torah. In between adventures. Went over huge in the late 30s. They loved it in the late 30s. I don't care what Lex Luthor's doing. It's the Shabbos.

We'll see you tomorrow, Superman. God wouldn't want... Or G slash D, sorry. All right, look, good luck to you at the Oscars coming up. Oh, thank you. Please pray for me or whatever you do. Vote for me if you're on the committee or whatever you do. I'm neither. You think Bradley's going to thank you? Bradley's going to win, but do you think he's going to thank you? He better. He better. I mean, I would feel very disappointed. If there's a camera on me while he's doing his speech, you will see my disappointment fall from my face and my nose. Yeah, I have a feeling there's going to be a big camera on you.

I don't think the camera's going to see anything, but that knows. I'm sorry.

Well, I don't know. It's my calling con in a lot of ways. So I don't mind people remembering my voice. Do you just model all of your prosthetics on your own nose? Is that what it is? Con. You con me. Really? Why are you calling me con? Even the dick stuff too? What's that? Even the dick? Yeah, it's all me. It's like how Fosse, everybody made fun of the way Fosse danced. And he said, I'm going to make it a whole version of dancing. And everyone's going to dance like me. Even the king of bop. So the boogie night's dick is based on your nose. Correct. Okay. All right.

Asked and answered. All right. Well, good luck to you at the Oscars. We're going to have to take a break. Can you stick around though? Yeah. Okay. Wonderful. When we come back, we're going to have a vocal specialist. So, oh, you could use this. This will be exciting for you. How do you mean? Why would I do that?

When we come back, we're going to have more with Chris Gethard. We're going to have more Tony Sony, more Matthew Zimmerman, plus a vocal specialist. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. For 25 years, nothing has tasted better after a hard day's work than a Mike's Hard Lemonade. It's because since day one, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. We use three kinds of lemons, all handpicked from family farms.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Chris Gethard, Dad at Peace is the book, and one can access this by going to something. Everand. Everands.com. Thank you so much. Everand or Everands? Everand. Everand.com. Yeah. Easy to remember. Yeah. Because, yeah. Matthew, what were you going to say? I just like that the previous app was called Scribd. I pronounce it Scribe did my head when I would use it. Oh.

Was it double B? You may be correct. I don't know. I believe it was. I thought it was scribbed as someone wrote for them. Yeah. I'm sure they've said it. Either way, that's dead and gone. RIP scribbed. I hope my copy of Eddie Baker's play The Flick isn't also gone with that app. I think it's still out there somewhere for you. I hope so. And if it's not, I'll buy you a copy. What do you say? Whoa. And I'll buy you a copy. What was that? Like a cup of coffee. A cup of coffee. A cup of coffee. You guys want a cup of coffee?

We also have Sony New York here. Hey, I made you all pepperonis, by the way. Yeah, you just gave us a slice of pepperoni. There you go. What for you? What for you? You didn't heat it up or anything. It's like Oprah. Yeah.

I'm throwing them out like frisbees. Oh, so you're Oprah, not the pepperonis like Oprah. No, no. The pepperoni's not like Oprah. It's the size of a head. Right, right. The size of Oprah's head. Well, maybe. I don't know. I've never seen her in real life. That's our once in real life. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Wow. I didn't get a car from her. No.

Yeah, you expect her to just give out cards everywhere she goes. Not even a Hot Wheels or anything? No, I was at a wedding and it was like, hey, I'm here. You were at Stedman's wedding. Yeah, that's right. I was at Stedman's wedding. She was probably in a bad mood. All right, let's get to our next guest. Hopefully they're in a good mood. She's a vocal specialist.

Please welcome to the show Chutney C. Rabbit. Hello. Beautiful. Let me show you something really quick. Oh, okay. Hi. Hello. Spot the difference?

Yeah, one that seemed like you were doing like a Grover impression. That is correct. Yeah. And then the other was... The other was from my glottis. Ah, I see. A lot of glottis. A lot of glottis in your voice, Scott. Really good. Is that a compliment or is that a slam? No, no, no, no. That's no dig. That's a compliment. Thank you so much. You've got a lot of glottis. I'm worried about the other two. Well, I hope I have some glottis in me too. Tony's all yeast. All yeast. Three other people here in the room.

by the way. Not just two. Chris is great. Chris is all glottis. It's great. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, it's gorgeous. It's gorgeous. There's a nice husk. Yeah, it's great. That's quite nice of you. And then, of course, there's Matthew over here. Glottis bite. Matthew sounds like his vocal cords have turned to dust. Yes.

It's quite possible. It's possible. I haven't been to an ENT in years. Sounds like you're sort of underwater all the time. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Why haven't you been to an ENT? At least go to the end.

Those? Hey! That took you a little while. I had to go through each letter to know what he meant. That's all right. Chudney, it's so great to have you on. Now, you're a vocal specialist. That's correct. What do you do? Who do you work with? All these questions. I've worked with all the greats. I've worked with Ruben Studdard. I've worked with Fantasia Barrino. Oh, okay.

I've worked with David Archuleta. Okay, so a lot of American Idol people. Were they all second place people? Yes, mostly runners-up or top ten. Now, Ruben won. But they all made Los Angeles. They all made it to L.A. or Vegas. Oh, Ruben won! That's right, Clay Aiken came in second on that year. Clay came in second, but sort of had a better career afterwards. I mean, who can say? That's neither here nor there. Clay Aiken, more like Slay Aiken. Did I stutter? I would say more like my ears are aching, but...

Hey, that's pretty good. You could use that at the pizza shop. Do you want me to ghostwrite for you your jokes? Oh, my guma. Oh, my jokes. Wait, your guma's writing all these jokes about her? We're not talking about her right now. Oh, okay. I see. All right. So let's talk about vocal specialists and the job that you have of being one. Yes. What do we look out for when we use our voices? What are these things that we should be doing or should not be doing? You should be using your diaphragm, not to be mistaken with diagram. Diagram.

Sure, there's an extra H in there. Scott furiously crossing out a dispelling out of the paper there.

You should be drinking, you should be hydrating. And they say the voice is the portal to the soul and the rest of the inside and the outside of your body. Who says that? Because they say that about the eyes. I learned that at the Institute. Oh, what's the Institute? Where is this? It is in the Glendale Galleria. And I went into a lot of debt doing that, but I got a master's there at the Institute. So this is the Galleria. This isn't even the...

It's in the Galleria. The outside mall? It's in P2 of the Galleria. It's under P1. This is very specific to LA people. They built an outdoor shopping mall. It's an indoor parking structure. It's in a structure on the lower level of a mall in Glendale. You're more likely to see it if you don't want to pay for parking at the Americana. You go to the free lot right there. You walk right by the Institute. Even I know this from New York. You walk over there, you walk over. On your way to Potato Corner.

So this is where you studied. That's where I studied. I learned a lot about the voice. I learned a lot about the body. I hope so. And yeah, and I'd love to talk to you guys kind of about, you know, I consider myself a little bit of a voice psychic. Wow. A voice psychic. Well, I think that the voice kind of carries all your stinkers and your secrets. I can hear it in the way you talk. I can tell a lot about you guys. I can tell you're full of stinkers over there. I can tell. Because of my big nose? Oh, no, that's not.

So take us through what you do. Yeah. Yeah. Take us through. I want to know if I have more stinkers and more secrets. Well, OK, so, OK, Chris, just just take me through just what your day sounds like, you know, take me through what your morning was. And then and then based off that, I'll let you know what I'm getting from your voice.

Okay, so just describe my day. Okay, I heard everything I need to hear. Wow. Okay. He didn't even really do it. He just said he was going to do it. I was just asking for clarification, yeah. Okay, how's your fiber intake? Seems low. Why are you looking at me, Chris? Because it's kind of eerie, actually. I've been dealing with a bunch of stomach stuff lately. Do you have like diverticulitis? What do you got, SIBO? I actually just recently had a colonoscopy. They're trying to

That's wild. That's actually wild that you nailed that. That's crazy. What were the results of the call? It was so recent, I'm actually still waiting. You're still waiting. The fact that you could immediately send some... Incredible. That is shocking. That's huge. You're a magician. I'm not going to lie. I was a skeptic and rolling my eyes at it. Now you're 100% on board? I want to apologize. You're a skeptic and I'm a psychic. Fully on board. Take my money. Tell me what you need. That was incredible. Okay. I really... I got to counsel you. Don't give her money.

Well, wait a minute. This is your children's college. No, no, no. He'll be fine. He'll be fine. He'll be fine. You just have to send it over the Cash App. Okay. Totally legit. No apps, no things. Anyway. Cash App is the least shady of the... What else did we get from Chris? Okay. Fiber intake. Talk a little more. And again, you just need me to go ahead and... Okay. Oh, no. What?

Oh, no. This is bad. Oh, no. It's bait. Oh, no. What? You're going to die soon. Oh, my God. What? Oh, no. I'm so sorry, Chris. Oh, no. You're on board. How? Did you recently watch a tape? You're going to die in seven days? This is really, really strange. Oh, my God. This is really, really strange. But I was driving in New Jersey where I live. Right.

and I saw a garbage bag on the side of the road. And I don't know what came over me, but I just said, I need to see what's inside it. What? And there was a VHS tape. No. Where did you watch the VHS tape? That was the thing. I felt really compelled to watch it. I went to a series of secondhand shops and thrift stores until I bought a number of VCRs that no longer worked. The RCA hookups and everything? I was shocked how often they don't work when you find them. And I finally found it. And it was almost like this weird...

came over me. And then, yeah, when I watched the tape, there was this woman who had very kind of sunken eyes. Oh, that bitch. Yeah. You know her well? You know that bitch? Don't call women bitches, okay? No, this one is like... I'm with you, but yeah, this one was a visible bitch. Yeah. The one that crawled out of the TV and all that? Yeah. Oh, you mean a cunt. Oh,

Oh, whoa. Oh, whoa. Remember, there's a lady present. That's insane. You could tell that from my wife was here. Between that and the stomach issues. Wow. And Scott, you have good credit is what I'm getting from your voice. I barely spoken, but yeah, I do. I was just ruminating on that. Oh, interesting. Wow. That's good. Wow. So gonna die in seven days. Sorry about that. But I have good credit. So that's Matthew. I didn't get to hear from you enough. Oh, God. I'm too scared to talk.

You don't want the dying in seven days thing? I'm too scared to know anything. I don't want to know. Are you able to smell through your nose? No. What do you smell through? Your butthole? What the hell?

Orally? Orally and anally, yeah. It's like any sort of thing where you lose the scent somewhere, it becomes stronger elsewhere. Oh, the daredevil. Unfortunately, smelling through your butt means that I'm constantly stinking. Oh, no. Or smelling stinks. Smelling just, yeah, fart sounds. Yeah, I do have trouble smelling. But I really, I'm a very superstitious person. And this is making me so anxious for Chris, of course. Happy for Scott's credit. What do you got, 800? So many people I need to call. I'm actually 1,600.

They do it on S.A.T. 1600. Yeah. Mamma Mia, pizza.

My credit is 418. A bunch of regrets I have. A bunch of apologies I need to make. It's great to know that you're going to die, right? I would hate to die in seven days and not know about it. I'm not trying to be a buzzkill. You guys can just keep talking about your credit scores. It's just I'm in a process. But Chris, let me tell you this. You're going to die in seven days, but they're going to be the most extraordinary seven days of your life. You're going to fuck. You're going to laugh. You're going to feast. You're going to play with small animals. Wow.

In that order? I hope so. Sounds like an average day with my guma. I gotta say, if it's the small animals and then the fucking, I don't know. Fuck the small animals. Don't eat them after you fuck them. Don't eat them at all. I'm having a hard time reading you. Is the guma your relative or someone? No, my guma loved my life. Smartest woman ever.

She is a gift from God. I stare into her eyes every day. But are you related to her? Right. She is technically a distant cousin.

When you say distant, what do you mean? Like she lives a couple towns over? Like she's your aunt's daughter? Yeah. She's my uncle's daughter. Something like that. Oh, okay. Something like that. She's my cool mom. Sure, sure. I love it. She makes me a better man when I look at her. Yeah. And just to be clear, your first cousin? First cousin. Yeah. Yeah. One of the distant ones. You might be having a hard time reading because there's just so much pizza dough blocking...

I can't hear. Yeah, you're like spinning up. There's just morsels of like pizza coming out of your mouth every time you talk. It's just the yeast. Everybody relax. Come on, I'd love a reading. That's not making me feel better. Don't worry. No, it's just coming out of your pores. It's just a little yeast. Yeah, you're sweating yeast. Your yeast infection is like rising. It's like coming out of your mouth. I'm yeast rising.

Oh, you're an Aries cusp and a yeast rising. That's right. What can I say? What are some of these... Can we do anything with our voices? Say hypothetical. Chris doesn't want to die in seven days. Can you do something with his voice to make him... That's not hypothetical. Just to make it clear. It's just pie in the sky hypothetical. He doesn't want to die in seven days. Hey, I'll shoot you in the head if you want.

No. If you don't want to die in seven days. I just don't want to, to be clear, the seven days is not my issue. If she shoots you in the head, we'll pay for it. She? Who is that fucking guy?

What the fuck are you talking about? Sorry, Tony. Tony, we're brothers. Oh, my God. Sorry to misgender you, Tony. Jesus. I do it to bust your balls. Yay, I bust your balls. You stupid little piece of shit. I do feel a feminine kinship to you. I feel warmth from Tony. Oh, that's nice to hear, yeah. But okay, if you don't want to die in seven days, I hear you. Okay, I can take you guys through some warm-ups. Yeah. That's going to help. Let's have some warm-ups. We got to get Chris's voice as healthy as possible, otherwise. Yeah, maybe you could make it to eight.

Yeah. Okay, let's... So, tip of the tongue, tip of the tongue, tip of the tongue today. And we're supposed to say this? That's correct. Tip of the tongue, tip of the tongue, tip of the tongue today. And it's still coming up big that he's going to die. Really? Oh, gosh, me. Can you make an adjustment? You know how when you go into a chiropractor, they make an adjustment that actually fixes your thing? I hear you. What do you do? Okay.

Okay, we gotta pull out the big guns. I do this for those that have nodes or throat goblins. You gotta get into the lowest register possible. And you guys are familiar with the song Pocket Full of Sunshine? I got a pocket, got a pocket full of sunshine. I don't know that I know that song. Weird, it's a classic from Sisterhood of the Traveling Bands. I know that it's all by the... Oh, he sounds like he's gonna die over there. Yeah, his nodes are dust.

Can you take it a little lower, Chris, maybe? Do that Pocket Full of Sunshine song? Pocket Full of, Pocket Full of Sunshine. Okay. All right.

I love it in spoken word. I'm in a very bad headspace right now, guys. I don't necessarily need notes. Put your phone down. Stop texting your family. I'm telling them that I love them and I'm telling my brother that I need to see him soon. I can't focus on this podcast while you're on your phone. Yeah, put it down. It's not like you're on the plane going down right now. You have seven days. Chris, I've just realized something. Grow up. It's your brother who's going to die in seven days. You're fine. No, that's not. No, no, that's not.

That's almost worse. Congratulations, buddy. That's almost worse in so many ways. I'll shoot him in the fucking head. No, it's not what I mean. You don't need to kill him. We'll pay for it. I'll take care of it. Pay for what exactly? Pay for all the expenses. Yeah, you know, buying the gun, the bullets. Make sure you put me up somewhere nice.

mailing the bullet to your brother's widow but don't worry he's gonna fuck he's gonna suck he's gonna be a small animal he's gonna fucking suck my brother's gonna fucking suck before he dies think about that uh if he wants it i'll do it i mean everybody wants one nose fuck before they die that is true i gotta decide if i'm gonna tell him or if i just let him live his life right

Because I know from very recently what it feels like to know you're going to die, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody. No, no, no, by all means. I just learned from a crossword that Nobel started the Nobel Prize after mistakenly seeing his own obituary. So maybe you could do something now that you like. He didn't mistakenly see his own obituary, by the way. They mistakenly printed an obituary. Oh, they didn't put it behind his back? He had broken into the newspaper office and rifled through the drawers.

That's a fun word, obituary. It's like a dance in my mouth. I was confused by that because I thought it was going to be the Obies. I thought the word was the Obies because of the obituary part of it. And then it turned out to be Nobels. Tell me something. I need my future told over here. What do we got for Tony? I got issues with my fucking wife.

Yeah, that's very... But your wife sounds tremendous. I'd love to meet your wife. She works for the president and everything. She works for the president? Like the current one? Yeah. I thought she did butt lifts. She does a lot. That explains a lot. You seen him trying to go downstairs? She did the dog too. She made that dog bite everybody. Your wife did that? Oh, yeah. They wanted the dog to be more aggressive. Oh, wow.

So experimental science kind of stuff. Tony, I have to say, when I first met you, I did not imagine you'd apply so much to current events. You seem like a stereotype from 40 years ago. Hey, hey. Whoa, hey, hey. I'm current, I'm fresh. That right there actually was kind of a stereotype. What? Hey, hey. What are you getting right now? I'm getting something pretty wild. And I want you to be okay with the fact that your wife...

It's not just doing political stuff with Joe Biden. Well, they were involved. What? Joe Biden is their guma? Are they doing the horizontal mambo? Is she Biden's guma? They're doing the limbo. They're doing the mambo. They're doing the mambo number five. And there's a third involved. No. It's your guma. No. What? Not my guma. Not the woman of my freaking dreams.

Your wife, your guma, and Joe Biden are all fucking and sucking. Oh, no. Oh, my. Be bad enough with the fucking. Oh, no. I'm going to be puking. I'm puking my pizza pies off. Okay. No, no, no. The yeast coming out of your body. That's so bad for your voice. There's so much reflux happening. There's yeast everywhere.

Okay, now there's tomato sauce coming out. Am I crazy or are you getting physically smaller? Those pepperonis are the size of dimes. Are you getting smaller? You're like four feet tall right now. What the fuck is going on? You're like the size of Francesca Bolognese right now. Is he made of fucking beer cigarettes? You're smaller than your own pepperonis. Please.

And now you're Oliver Twist? Please. What, just because you say please? Not anyone who says please is like Oliver Twist, I gotta say. My bad. Otherwise we'd have a terrible society if no one could say please without people accusing them of being Oliver Twist. Oh man, every time someone's polite. I always think of an orphan. Tony, are you alright? Do you need some pizza put back in your body? Yuck.

Give me a pizza the size of my fucking head. Okay, yeah, literally, that's a big pizza now. No wonder you thought heads were so small. Tony, do you want any other toppings besides cheese, sauce, and pepperoni? Maybe mushrooms. You could put mushrooms on a pizza. Sussies. Olives?

Scott doesn't have an oven. Here, let me put it in the panini's press here. Here, how about we all just warm it with our bodies? Put me in there too. Let's all do dog pile on top of pizza. Let's all just pile up. Yeah, well, let's get it up to body temperature. All right, the pizza's up to 40 degrees now. 40 degrees, here you go.

Okay, I'm doing better. I'm doing better. Yeah, you shot up another foot and a half. I have to say, I am a little bit superstitious, but I also have a bit of skepticism in me. And so far, none of your predictions are provable, Chuck.

I mean, you know, it seems like you maybe realize that if Chris doesn't die soon, we'll know you're wrong. So you pick someone further away from all of us. Well, why don't we all meet at this same spot in one week? I'll tell you what. We'll take a break right now and then we'll meet in one week. We'll take a week break. Here we go. And we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Yeah.

Hi everyone, and we're back. It's seven days later. You guys like my hair? Hey Chris, how's it going? It's not great. To answer your question, yeah, I do. Suck it, Matthew. I do like your haircut. So it all came true? Not exactly. Oh really, what happened? Close enough. Close enough? What does that mean? Well, now I want to know more.

My brother's not dead, but he's living a life worse than death. That's what I meant. What is he, married? Well, I wish you'd been more... Yeah, what are we talking about? Life worse than death.

He lost all his crypto. Wait, he lost all his crypto? That is it? This is real. He lost all his crypto. I was vague. I said death comes in many shapes and forms. Not just his Bitcoin. I would hate it if I lost all my crypto. His Ethereum? Weird political ones? This is terrible. No hologram of Joe Biden. His Dogecoin?

No doge. No doge a cat. He lost all his doge coins. Did he fuck and suck and have a big meal? I would hope. I know that he did have at least one or two big meals because I was there. I didn't ask my brother. I'm not going to sit at a dinner table with my brother and casually say, hey, you been fucking and sucking lately? Weird. I talk to my sister about that all the time. Who's your sister? She's a twin.

We don't have time to talk about that, but next time bring her on. I will. A twin. Doesn't that mean your twin? I don't want to talk about it. I guess it doesn't mean that. Yeah. I guess. She's a twin. Not mine. Okay. Interesting. Uh,

Well, I mean, I'm so glad we met back here just to prove that everything you were talking about is exact. And Chutney, where can people find you and find your services? I'm doing a pop-up shop at P3 in Pasadena. You guys can come and all you have to do is talk to me for 10 or so seconds and I'll take care of the rest. Okay. Okay.

This is good. All right, well, we are running out of time here on the show. We only have time for one final feature. What is it? Well, I'll tell you what it is. It's a little something called plugs.

All right. That was Plugs by Trendy Dad. Thank you so much. That could be a title of one of your future books, although you're going to say you're not going to write anymore. I've realized life's a little too short. It really is. I'm going to spend most of my time just telling the people I love. And fucking and sucking and playing with animals.

I did also play with some very cute small animals in the past few days. You did? Good for you. Copybaras. What are we talking, hamsters? Copybaras, mostly. Oh, okay, good. What do we have? What are we plugging? Chris, obviously, the book Dad at Peace is out right now, and people can get that how? At everand.com. And also, if you want to know more about that nonprofit I'm building, you can go to laughingtogether.org. Laughingtogether.org. That's wonderful. All right, Tony, New York, what do you want to plug? Hey!

Okay, obviously I want to plug my grandma. I fucking love her. She is my world. She's your first cousin. She's my cousin. I love her to death. I got no notes over here. And I want to plug one of her favorite people's accounts at L-I-L-Y-Y-I-L-Y. Too complicated. Rolls off the tongue. No notes on that either.

Can never be changed. Also, this book changed my life. Hey, Randy. And hopefully going deep on CBB World soon. And yeah, just everybody out there, just be nice to your gumo. And your gumo.

A whole episode of Racking on Your Go-Bah. This is like Tom Rickles at the end of his show. He's done like an hour about racist comedy and then, hey, we all got to get along with each other. My guma's going to the deli the other day. She's getting Italian beef. I said, I got one right here. She says, last time that gave me food poisoning. My guma. She writes these jokes? So she was in Chicago then? No, she was in New York.

She was getting Italian beef. Italian beef? Is that a Chicago? She got a chip. That's a notoriously Chicago base. People don't say that in New Jersey. Hey, we were in little Chicago in New York. Oh. It's great how there's a little Chicago in every major city. Then we went to little Las Vegas. So we went to little... Yeah.

Cincinnati. All right, Matthew, what do you want to plug? Well, of course, any of my films for me at the Oscars. And then there's Mad Dog Pod, the Improv and Conversation podcast. There's Big Grande website.com for all comedy from the group Big Grande. And on CBB World, there's

Eat, Pray, Dunk with Bill Walton and Hey Randy. Mark Rennie's back on that show. Mark Rennie is back. We lost him for a month and now he's back and funnier than ever. All right. And Chutney C. Rabbits, what do you want to plug? I have a book coming out called The Voice is the Penis of the Upper Body. How to Communicate, Express Yourself so You Don't Hurt Yourself, Take Better Care.

Okay, great. That's just like an addendum at the end. Take better care. That's all in the title. Apparently, untrue, the dose is the penis of the upper body. I disagree. Oh, that's great. Well, I'm going to write a competing book. Yeah, why not? Put that next to my book at Borders. Michael Ian Black, Meghan McCain style books where they...

Never mind. All right. I want to plug CBB World. We mentioned it. We have great shows over there. All the CBB Presents episodes. We just put out a... What did we do? We just... Oh, yeah, yeah. Alimony Tony just had a big Valimony Shoney show where he had his ex-wives on the show. We also have Scott Hasn't Seen. We're in the middle of Oscar month. We have Neighborhood Listen over there. Freedom, by the way, is starting back up this week. Season six.

on Thursday, Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, and myself. We are starting up our new season, so we want everyone to, if you've somehow gotten rid of the subscription, resubscribe to Threedom and listen. We're doing new episodes starting this Thursday as well as 3Mium episodes on CBB World as well as Apple Podcast Premium. And let's see, I think the action figures are sold out, and I think there's probably still like 20 tickets left for our show in May.

Is it in May? I think so. Or April? I can't remember. For the Netflix is a joke fest? I think it's April. I can't remember. Anyway, head over to Netflixisajokefest.com. I don't know where the fuck you're supposed to go. Anyway, let's close up the old plug bag. Hello. Hello.

All right. That was Ode to Hello by Abby. Thank you so much, Abby. And if you have a plugs theme, head over to...

CBBworld.com slash plugs. Guys, I want to thank you so much. Chris, it's so great to have you. Good luck with book number six. Yeah. That's wonderful. And thank you so much. I know you were in the middle of shows in San Diego and drove all the way down here to do, or up here, rather, to do the show. I appreciate it. Oh, yeah, man. I'm out here pounding the pavement, making things happen, Scott. Peeing the pavement. Thanks for having me. Yeah. I love it. And look, hey, Matthew, good luck at the Oscars coming up in a few weeks. Hey, the pleasure was all mine. Ha ha ha!

And Chutney C. Rabbits, great to have you. I'll make it out there to P3 in Pasadena. Goodbye. Okay. And Tony's New York. Hey, I bust your balls, but you know I love you. Hey, you know that you're the love of my life? Every time I look at your face.

Every time I look at your face, it's the size of a big pizza pie, I think. You're shrinking again. What's going on? One day with you. Oh, no. We need to get more pizza. Everyone lay on the pizza. Lay on the pizza. Doc, lay on the pizza, everyone. Oh, no. My nose just stuck through Chris. Chris, are you okay? Chris, are you okay? I'm bleeding. All right. We'll see you next time. Fucking suck. Fucking suck. Play with small animals. Small animals. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye.

Hey girl, you can't make it? Aww, not

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