CBB Presents: The Time Keeper's Leap Day Special (Neil Campbell, Bardia Salimi, Erin Keif, Claudia O'Doherty, Carl Tart, Scott Aukerman)
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Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, and welcome to a special episode of Comedy Bang Bang. Today we're going to do something a little bit different. Over at ComedyBangBangWorld.com, we put out weekly episodes of a show called CBB Presents, where some of your favorite characters from this show host their own programs, such as Hey Randy with Randy Snuts, Eat Pray Dunk with Bill Walton, This Book Changed My Life with Lily Sullivan. A couple of weeks ago, we released the second Alimony Tony's Valimony Shoney.

And this week we've decided to put out today's episode here on the free feed so everyone can enjoy it. So if you like what you hear, there are more than a hundred other episodes of CBB Presents you can hear over at CBB World. Also, we have The Neighborhood Listen. We have Scott Hasn't Seen with Sprague the Whisperer and myself. College Town. The entire archive of Comedy Bang Bang. So much more. All you have to do is subscribe to CBBWorld.com online.

on the Maximus tier. You can either do it monthly or if you subscribe for a whole year, you get two of those months for free. So now, without further ado, please enjoy the Time Keepers Leap Day Special. CBB Presents.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, tick tock, it's the perfect year for time. February 29. Hello?

Anybody, you guys open? Yes, yes, we're open. Come in and welcome to Longo Watch Repair. Oh, okay, great. Okay, I was having a little trouble finding it. Oh, yes, yes. Great. Yeah, well, yeah, got a watch that... In need of repair? Yeah, yeah, it's pretty busted up. Tis a tragedy to be sure, but tis why we're here. Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you, yeah. Well, thank you, yes.

Now, you may be wondering, am I Desmond Longo, owner of Longo Watch Repair? Were you wondering that? Well, no, but I guess now, yeah. I bet you are now that I've put the idea in your head. Yeah. I'm not. Oh, so you're not the owner. I'm not Desmond Longo. I'm the timekeeper.

Desmond Longo is my brother-in-law. He's out for a little bit, so I'm kind of manning the store while he's gone. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's nice. Yeah, you got to keep it in the family. Okay. Yes. Yeah, that's great. Great. Well, let me see this watch. Yeah, let me give it. Let me show it to you. He's the expert at fixing things, but, you know, I've been practicing, so if you want, I

I could be the one to try to work on it for free of charge, of course. Oh, my God, yeah. Like when you go to a salon and there's someone training you and you get a free haircut. Oh, free, yeah. Free, yeah. If you don't mind that me, a mere trainee, is trying to fix thine watch. Oh, yeah. No, hey, I know how it is, man. You know, on-job training. Yeah, here. I mean, of course, I'd love for you to take a look at it. Okay, well, what seems to be the problem? Well, you know, it's pretty busted up. It's, you know, it's...

This thing goes back, you know. Not ticking nor talking, I suppose. No, not ticking or talking. You know, it's an old piece. Oh, yes, it's a beaut. Yeah, it's been in the family for, you know, as long as, you know, yeah, as long as it goes, you know. As long as time immemorial.

Yeah, yeah, time immemorial. It belonged to an uncle of mine, real sweet guy. What's your name, sir? My name's Bobby. Bobby. Oh, I love that name. Reminds me of the police overseas. Oh, in the UK, yes. Yes. Yes.

Yeah, I've never been. I hear the Guinness is different in Europe. Yes, I've heard that too. The glasses are upside down. Oh, you're funny too. This is great. I don't intend to be. Oh, man. But yeah, it belonged to a great uncle, an uncle of mine, real sweet guy. Sentimental value. Oh, he passed away. Yeah, he passed recently. Oh, not violently, I hope.

Well, unfortunately, I wish I could say no. I guess it was, you could say it was violent, kind of a freak accident. Well, here, let me just see if I can start fixing this. Yeah, yeah, please, yeah. Okay, let me just open it. Freak accident. Whoops, sorry, just. Oh, sorry. No, no, it's okay. A freak accident. Go on, here, I'll just keep fixing it. Oh, no, no, you do your thing. Let me just try this. Okay.

Okay, don't worry about that. That's supposed to happen. There was probably an extra spring inside of it. Could have been the problem. Anyway, go on to your uncle. He passed. Yeah, you sure it's fine? Yeah, yes, yes. It's normal. I hope he's buying this. Freak accident type deal. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah. Well, there's kind of no way to say it without it. You know, you got to laugh, I guess. Well, he died. He was a big fan of this film, Death.

Pulp Fiction. I don't, you know, I've never seen it. I don't like the violent movies. I like the lighthearted stuff. Yes, yes. Well, it came out in 1994, a wonderful year. Oh, yeah. Bugs Life. You like Bugs Life? Indian in the Cupboard. Simon Birch. I mean, that's more my speed. Oh, those are your favorite movies. Oh, yes. I don't like the violence, the cussing. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but he loved that movie, man, and he'd get his buddies together every weekend. They'd watch it, and I guess they went to, you know, they had a couple drinks, and somebody dared him if he can drink.

And, you know, it's okay to laugh. This is insane. It's a freak act. He put it... I guess someone in the movie, Pulp Fiction, puts a timepiece in his anus. Oh, yes, Christopher Walken does that. Oh, Chris Walken. Yeah, I like him. Oh, yes. Yeah. I liked him in Click. I liked him in that Fatboy Slim music video. Oh, I liked that too. Yeah. But he put it...

He put it up there and they say died instantly. We don't know if it was... He died from putting a watch up his butt. We don't know if it hit an artery, if it was an allergic reaction to the metal, but almost... Seems like things pass through the butt all the time without...

Morbid results, you would think he wouldn't perish from such a thing. And I get it. And I know. It's okay. I mean, you can't. I'm not going to laugh. No, no. You're smiling. I see you cracked a little smile, and that's okay. I mean, how can you not? How on earth can you not? It's okay. I'm just smiling. It's Leap Day, after all. I'm smiling because I love this wonderful day. Oh, yes. It's Leap Day. I didn't know. I didn't.

I had no idea. Oh, well, it's a very important day. Every four years, we're given an extra day to appreciate time. Wow. You know, I guess I never thought about that. I never really thought of what the hell is sleep day. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's a day to appreciate time.

Yeah. Yeah, so your uncle passed away. And now, I guess I should ask, has the watch I'm working on right now, that was up his butt and killed him? I was just going to, don't worry. I scrubbed it up. I put some dial soap on there, and it's, you know, I meant to say that. I know what you're thinking. What the hell? No, it's fine. Well, let me just see if I can work on it a little more here. Okay. That should do it. Okay.

I said, how's it going now? It's going good. Those are normal sounds. That's how it should... That's close. A lot of instruments. Very intricate. Yeah, well, you have to use a drill and sometimes... Yeah. Yeah. That was all normal. That was part of the procedure. Just try to get it ticking again. So I'm sorry that it... Thank you, yeah. Was an instrument of death.

Yeah. Were you close with your uncle? And look, I hate to ask this. I know it's very personal, but was it your mother or father's sibling? It was my father's. Oh, a paternal uncle. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I got to say, not too close. You know, it's anytime we hang out, hey, you want to watch Pulp Fiction again? I don't want to watch the movie. I don't like this kind of film. And, you know.

My other brothers, you know, a lot closer. They were close. They watch it. They love it. But he's kind of a fanatic. You're into Simon Birch. Yeah, I like Simon. Simon Birch is probably my favorite movie I've ever seen. I don't think anything's top Simon Birch. He hits a home run in that movie, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. And what a heartwarming film. And, of course, the death was sad. Oh, sure, sure. But Simon Birch, Indian in the Cupboard. I haven't seen that one. Huh? I haven't seen that one. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Incredible special effects. Oh. You know. Yeah.

You know, because that's the thing. Nowadays, the movies, you know, it's all green screen is what they call it. Oh, yes. You know that? Yeah. You'll be watching a thing. You're thinking, oh, what's going on here? Meanwhile, they're all dressed in green and the background is green too. Oh. Ain't that a bitch? I didn't know they were also in green. Yeah. They're not even wearing a costume. Oh, yeah. Everything's green. And then it's like, yeah, you know. And this is every movie? This is pretty much every movie now they're doing this. Wow. Yeah. Yeah.

But Indian in the Cupboard, let me tell you, I think that's practical effects. I don't know. Or maybe they got a really small man to play the, you know. Seems possible. But what a great movie. Okay. Well, here, I think it's fixed. Look at that. It's working. Look, it's telling the correct time. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Look at that. It's ticking. It's talking. My two favorite words. Hey.

I'm going to recommend, I'm going to come back one of these. I'm going to tell the, you know. Yes, yes, word of mouth. That's the best advertising they say. Yeah, you need a raise. I mean, you know, I think the apprenticeship finished. I do it for the love of time and time pieces, which tell us the very time. Well, yeah.

I can't thank you enough. Oh, thank you, Bobby, for letting me work on your watch. In unusual circumstances to fix the watch. Yes, and I'm sorry that it killed your uncle and that you inherited it even though you weren't close with him. Yeah. You did inherit... Was this a legal inheritance? Did you go to a reading of the will and all of that? Yeah, I went to the whole thing and, you know, and...

He had quite a bit of wealth. He had a chain of blimpies. Oh, I didn't know that. Should I have known that? Well, no. Oh, okay. Unless you've been to a blimpy, he's got his picture pretty much on every wall of a blimpy. Wow, so he's like the Jared from Subway of blimpies. Yeah, I guess you could say that. Yeah.

Except he's tragically passed. He is dead. And Jared is happily still alive. Yeah, isn't that something? Isn't that just, say, life in a nutshell? That's life in a nutshell. Jared is alive and kicking and...

And my poor uncle. Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but at least his watch is working again and you can check the time all day this leap day and see what time it is. Yeah. Hey, that's a very nice thought. Yes, yes. Thanks. Wow.

I can't believe it. Believe away, my child. All right. Fare thee well. Fare thee well. Okay. Fare thee well. Yeah. Fare thee well. Bye-bye. Okay.

What a lovely man. Excuse me, sir. Can I hide here? What? Hide? Certainly. Yes, yes. Hide, hide. Sorry, sorry. Young lad. The bullies are right outside. They're nipping at my heels, sir. Oh, the bullies. Oh, yes. I see some hooligans kind of...

Walking by and... Rolling up their sleeves... Looking left... And right! Are they punching their hands into their... They're punching their hands... Together like this? I'm trying to read their lips...

Wait till we get our hands on him. Yeah, and they're the nerds at my school. They're nerds? Yeah. What makes that you, then? Well, my name is Marvin Glasses. You might recognize me from being on the front page of the paper. I threw up down my shirt at the National Spelling Bee. Oh, yes, yes. That was the same day as the invasion of Ukraine, right? And it was the top story.

So you do know me. Yes. Whatever's lower than a nerd, that's what I am. Oh, a sub-nerd. I used to be a popular kid at my school and then they showed us that video on how our bodies work and I fainted. And now they're all trying to kill me, sir. Oh my gosh, the bullies, they're trying to beat you up and kill you. They want to end your life.

Are they still out there? Much like Bobby's uncle. What? Who's Bobby? It doesn't matter. Are they still out there, sir? They seem to have moved on. They're crossing the town square now. The Tallahassee town square. Okay, well, I don't quite buy it because they took my scarf and they all smelled it. So they know my smell so they could follow me easier. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Yes, sir. These bullies are getting more and more...

Pursuit happy? Yeah, well, let me guess. You were once like me, right? What gives you that impression? You're everything. Well, yes, I suppose in every way I was. Yes, I was beaten up on the regular. Well, I'm going to hang out here until I'm sure they're gone. Sure, sure. You can hide away. Yes, just keep ducked down behind that chair there and...

We'll just let you hide until you're fully safe. Thank you, sir. I'm so lucky I ran into a loser's store. Yes. It was a real roll of the dice for me. It's not a loser's store. It's Desmond Longo's store. My brother-in-law. I'm just the timekeeper and I'm sort of manning the store while he's out today. That's crazy. I didn't think places like this really existed.

Watch repair stores? Yeah, only in, you know that TV show Heroes? That's what the villain does in that show. Oh, I have never seen it. I've only seen one Hayden Panettiere project. I love you, Beth Cooper!

I was born in 2013, but I know all these movies. Oh, that's good. Yes, yes. Mm-hmm. Well, do you have any leap day plans, young Marvin? Leap day? You mean the worst day of the entire year? What?

How dareth you speak such words? Libra is the best day of every four years. If you're getting beat up 365 days a year, you don't want a bonus day. Oh, so you think...

Because there's an extra day of the year, that means an extra beating for you this year. Yes, sir. That's what it means. And that's why you hate Leap Day? Yeah, and also it makes the winter longer, and everyone who has a birthday on this day never shuts up about it, sir. Uh, well, tell that to Ja Rule!

Who, sir? Ja Rule. He was born on Leap Day. And also most serial killers, right? Well, sure. Richard Ramirez and Eileen Wernos. But if it weren't for her, Charlize Theron wouldn't have an Oscar. Oh, boy, sir.

So Leap Day's a wonderful day! I don't think so. What? I can't believe you say this! Why do you speak these sins to me? Well, it has no good branding, sir. There's no, like, Leap Day colors or Leap Day traditions.

It's just a waste. Everyone gets to enjoy it in their own way. Some dance a jig. Some look at the time. Some count every second of the day. Yeah, some get beat up by their school nerds. Yes, yes. Well, let's put it this way. I think that if you stick around here today, a few guests might stop by and teach you the true meaning of Leap Day.

Sir, you're talking slow like you're about to teach me a lesson. I don't think so. Hello? Yes, come in, come in, and welcome to Longo Watch Repair. Oh, wow. You are older than I expected. How old are you? Forty! Okay. No, that's really... That's fine. That's okay. That's fine. Wow. I am nervous. Hi. Why are you nervous? Um, well...

Here's the thing. I'm, my name's Lisa. Lisa, a wonderful name. Lisa Pizza. And I am here as part of a Tallahassee dating initiative. Okay. It's called Let's Just Go For It. And it's meant to be 50% less nerve wracking than going on a blind date. So you don't know that we're on a date, but I do know that we're on a date.

So I'm looking forward to seeing if sparks fly. You're the timekeeper, right? I'm the timekeeper, Maxwell Keeper. Exactly. So hi, Maxwell. Hi, Lisa Pizza. Hi. So I've just moved here recently, so that's why I'm looking to meet new people. So we're on a date right now? Yeah. Do you like it? Well, I like anything that happens on Leap Day. Right. Right.

It's leap day after all. Oh, okay. Okay. So part of the let's just go for it dating initiative is you have to be like radically honest. So normally on a first date you might sort of try to...

sort of endear yourself to someone by not being completely honest. Okay. But honestly, I don't care about Leap Day. Oh. I have no special feelings about it. I was hoping you'd love it and I could teach young Marvin here a lesson about the value of Leap Day. Right. Oh, is this your son? Yes.

No. No way. Didn't know you had... Hey. I am not with this guy. No, I'm just helping Marvin hide from some bullies. Maybe I'm with this guy. We don't know yet. That's true. Sir, tell her about how you were a loser growing up. No. I think sparks may fly.

So, Lisa, I'm okay with being on a date. Great. Pizza, last name Pizza. Did your ancestors invent the round food? They did. We're Italian. Wow. Yeah. And so, yeah, I'm working in the pizza space at the moment as a pizza chef. I'm mainly stuffing hot dogs into pizzas. That's my sort of signature. I've never had a hot dog stuffed pizza. I think you'd really like it. And if things, you know, if sparks fly today, maybe...

One day you could try one of my hot dog stuffed pizzas. God, I am really nervous. No, it's okay. I'm nervous too. I don't go on many dates. Can I get you two started with a water or anything else? A water would be amazing. I will be right back. Okay, yes, we have a bathroom in the back. Use the sink, not the toilet, mind you. For the water, not for the bathroom! Oh, I hope he heard.

So how do you feel about this? Confused would be the first word I'd say, but I guess I'm willing to roll with it. It is Leap Day after all. Like I said, I do not care that it's Leap Day. Well, maybe I can convince you a Leap Day is a wonderful day. Why? What's so good about it? It's a day every four years set aside just to appreciate time. Right. Yeah.

Okay, what do you like doing in Tallahassee? I like looking at clocks. I like telling people what time it is. I like answering questions about time. I like hanging out with my brother-in-law, Desmond. Yeah, he's actually the one who signed you up for this.

Oh, I didn't realize. I thought you just picked someone random. So someone else signed me up. I would not have chosen you if it were up to me. That's why he isn't here today. I guess so. That makes perfect sense. It was a setup.

Two toilet waters for the lovebirds. Oh, no. Wait, and did you also go to the bathroom? In the sink. That's great. Marvin, I'm starting to see where the bullies are coming from. Same with you from me, sir. Oh, one day I'll hit this child. Did your date hear you say that? I think you're in the clear. Thanks.

So, Lisa, you work in a pizza space. Now, is that the name of the place or is that just a term and there's a name of this restaurant? No, the restaurant's name is the Pizza Space. Yeah, I just opened it here in Tallahassee. Oh, that's wonderful. As you can tell from my accent, I'm not from here. Oh. New York City. Yeah, I was going to say Gainesville. All right. Well, which borough would you...

Queens. Queens. That's where I'm from. I can hear it. Yes. Yes. In the accent. I can hear the Shea Stadium in the way you pronounce certain syllables. That's the main stadium I would be hanging out at when I was back there. But now, new life here in Tallahassee. Tallahassee. What are the best activities to do here in this place? Time related? Well, no, just generally. Well...

I don't really know what else people get up to apart from time-related activities. I guess there's a university of some sort here. I could enroll in a university. That is a good idea.

Sir, tell her she has a nice smile. Oh, thine smile. Oh. Tis. Never mind, sir. No, never mind. Like the curve of the earth upside down. I'm frowning. Oh, no, I mean, when you see the curve from far away, it's kind of a, and you're looking at the horizon, it's sort of a frown, but when that flips, you know, and it's a circle like this.

Maybe Elysian or something. I don't know. Look. Right. Did I do a good job, Marvin? No. Oh, how does Marvin have more game than me? How old are you, Marvin? Born in 2013, I said, which makes me 11. Okay, don't worry about it. You have a very nice smile, miss. Thank you so much. Oh, hey, Marvin, why don't you Cyrano me here a bit? Okay. So, um...

Do you have any siblings? Do you have any siblings? No. Go on about that. I didn't say that. I'm going off book. Trust me. Yeah, no siblings. You know, parents broke up pretty soon after I was born. Oh, because of that? In the hospital, yeah. Oh, in the hospital. Was the birth a factor? I think so. I think it was pretty...

It was pretty traumatic for everyone involved. Sure. I see on movies. But, of course, my dad is the one who raised me because I kept the pizza name. Yes, of course. And that's why I now work in the pizza space. It's pretty upsetting to really think about, actually. Oh, I'm sorry. Well, I'll only make you think about it a little bit longer. Okay. I guess...

I've seen movies sometimes during childbirth, a woman's like, oh, you'll never touch me again. You know, was it one of those situations? And then she actually stuck with her word. Yeah, she said she didn't want to have sex with him ever again. Yeah. Yeah.

So, and then he broke up with her, but he took the baby. Yes, that makes sense. Will the battle of the sexes ever truly declare a winner? Excuse me, miss. I don't know if this is inappropriate or not, but I have a really handsome, really funny English teacher that I think you would just really hit it off with. Oh, that sounds really cool. How does he feel about late day? He is kind of indifferent to it, to hates it. Wow.

Here's his email. I love you so much. Well, look, I may not be able to offer everything this guy has. I don't have an email address. Okay, well, I think an email address can be really cool. I've got one, lisapizza at gmail.com. Well, I had one for 10 years and no one ever emailed me, so I deleted it. What was the address? The timekeeper, his very self at Prodigy. At Prodigy.

At Prodigy. Yes. I've never heard of that server, that platform. It was prodigyfanclub.net. Oh, I see. Yes. I have to turn my life around. I've got to figure it out or I'm going to end up like this guy. No, that's a good thing. No. Marvin. Marvin.

So, pizza space, that's the name of your restaurant? Yeah, and it's hot dog based pizza. Do you like pizza? I love pizza. The very shape of one of my favorite objects.

A clock face! Oh, I see. So no. I don't think of... Well, I guess depending on what angle you're looking at a hot dog, it could be... We do hot dog shaped pizzas and we do stuff the pizzas with hot dogs. Okay. So the whole pizza, like in three dimensions, is like a long cylinder. Mm-hmm. Interesting. Yeah. In all three dimensions. Yes. It's a long cylinder. Okay. Stuffed with hot dogs. So it kind of looks like a hot dog and it does taste like hot dog. But there's cheese and dough involved? Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Hey, that's pizza. That's pizza. Your family invented it. Who am I to speak upon it? Exactly. So pizza space was the decor outer space themed. Like you, my, you know, one of my favorite restaurants is Cosmix.

Tell me more about that. I've never heard of it. It's an outer space themed McDonald's sort of knockoff in Bolingbrook, Illinois. Oh, wow. And what kind of food do they serve? It's kind of like they're doing a Dunkin' or Starbucks thing where you can order like breakfast things on your app.

Oh, I love ordering from apps, actually. That's my favorite way to get food. Really specific drinks, how many squirts of that or plumps of this, you know. Okay, but what does that have to do with space? It's space-themed, Cosmix. And I was wondering if pizza space is also space-themed. It's more hot dog themed. Oh, okay. So is there paintings of hot dogs on the wall? Paintings of hot dogs in space. So I guess in a way it is space-themed. Oh, okay, yes.

Yeah, I never thought about it that way. I understand that it didn't immediately occur to you. So it's sort of like rockets going into space, but the rockets were like hot dogs. So it is... Okay, yes. Ultimately, you're right. It is a little bit space themed. A little space themed. Now, are the menu items have any sort of spacey names to them? Yes. Okay, let's...

Let me guess. Blast off pizza? Yeah, we've got blasters. We've got countdowns. Okay. We've got comets. Okay, your initial instinct that there was not space teams. I'm just so nervous because of this date. I'm nervous too. My knees keep knocking together. Oh, that's what that noise is. I thought it was that clock.

Oh, no, that was how I would have repaired it if the clocks were knocking together. No, just like a ticking noise. Oh, yeah, tick and let's not forget talk, yes. Of course, I never would. Thank you. This is hard to watch, sir. Because it's getting too adult? No, sir. Oh. You, don't forget, sir, not old enough for PG-13 movies yet. So this kid's not your son? No, I'm helping this child hide from bullies. Oh.

The child's getting beat up because... So you didn't administer these wounds to him? No, no, I didn't raise Marvin. Any imperfections in Marvin's psyche are not due to me. That's great. Well, maybe a little now, sir, after watching you on a date. Well, time will tell. So...

You run your pizza space. Is that your passion? Do you hope to remain in the pizza industry until the very day you pass on from this mortal coil? Absolutely, yeah. But I do also want to bring hot dog-themed pizza to Tallahassee. How is business doing well so far? We're at today is like opening day. Wow, and you left to go on a...

Well, we haven't actually opened yet. We're opening in about half an hour. Oh, a wonderful amount of time. Yeah, exactly. I love that. I just thought I'd squeeze in a first date before opening. That's squeeze away. Because what an auspicious day to be like, you know, maybe, maybe. Yes, leap day. Yes. Yeah, but I just, I can't get on board with that. Okay. But you mean opening day? Opening day. Yeah. You're already. First date. Yes. And you're kind of.

all excited anyway, and you might as well channel that nervous energy into, you know, get one day out where all the nervous energy comes out. Exactly. Opening and the blind date. You know, look really nice for two things. Exactly. Yes. Do you think I look nice? Yes, I certainly do.

Oh, sir. Wow. Sorry, I was fixing a watch. I was fixing a watch. You know, I think my English teacher, Mr. Jacobs, was talking all about going to the opening of your restaurant. Pizza space? Yes, he said that that is like his number one dream is a pizza themed or space themed pizza theme. It's not pizza themed. It's hot dog themed. Hot dog themed space. That's exactly what he said is what you're saying. Yeah, okay. Wow. So I'm an English teacher. Wow.

Can barely get out a sentence, it sounds like. He's my hero, sir. Careful how you talk about him. Well, you maybe should go hide with him. If only, sir. You know, I bet if you did, he'd molest you. Sir! What? Someone had to say it.

It's true. I was going to say it. So I'm glad it was Maxwell rather than me. But I am more interested in this English teacher than, to be honest, not to, no offense. Some was taken, I have to say. I don't mean it to be offensive, but you know, sparks aren't flying. Would you say they're flying?

Um, no, well, for by my in comparison to other dates I've been on. Yeah. Yes. This is the best one I've ever been on. Wow. Okay. Well, maybe we should continue being on it for a little bit longer. So what was the worst accident you've ever been in?

Oh, once in Boston, I got sucked into some gears. But it was akin to modern times. Look, it doesn't matter. So, yeah, that's another cook thing. No, it's not. My English teacher is 6'5", and he looks like a Disney prince. Oh, that's really good. Okay. Yeah, the beast. Sir. What? You knew I had to go there.

Well, I'm going to have to turn the pizza ovens on pretty soon. And I'm going to have to start cleaning the hot dogs before I stuff them into the pizzas. What's that entail? Just...

You just rinse them in hot water. I wasn't sure if it was sort of a brushing or anything. You dry them off with a towel and then you brush them, obviously, and then you sprinkle seasonings onto them. And then you have to sort of dunk them in oil before you ram them into the pizza. Sir, I'm falling in love with her. Oh, I bet, Marvin. Okay, but it's really been good to meet you and...

You're welcome to come to Pizza Space anytime. Okay. To time, that's something you like. But I wish you all the best. And this little boy, I hope you'll help set me up with your teacher. I would love to, miss. Okay, great. Good luck with all the timekeeping. Oh, thank you. You know, I just, you know, I do not care about leap day. Oh. Okay, bye. Bye-bye.

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Wow, so uh, I think that went well, don't you, Marvin? That went amazing, sir! I think she'll be back! Mm-hmm! This is really good for me. Wow. I mean, I have been on a date before. Oh, sir. And that wasn't the first.

Uh, you said that I would care a little bit more about Leap Day, sir? Yeah, well, do you? I care less than I did before, sir. Yes, okay, I thought that guest was going to be, I mean, not guest, customer. Well, I guess it wasn't even a customer. I guess I was just hoping someone would come in and you'd learn more about the true meaning of Leap Day, but I suppose that didn't really happen, but I still have faith.

A guest will come in and you'll learn the true meaning of Leap Day. Hi, hello. Oh, hello. Welcome in. Hi. Do you repair watches here? Yes, yes. This is Longo Watch Repair. And son. Wink. Oh, this is your son? Yes, wink. Wink.

Why do you guys keep audibly saying it's a father son bonding ritual? Oh, nice. That's fun. Thanks. My name is Loco and I am a Norse god.

And I'm here to get my watch repaired. A Norse god hailing from Asgard? I don't know. Oh. I was born in Detroit. Okay. Well, that's probably just our name for it. So you were a Norse god hailing from Detroit. Yeah. Okay. I've heard of Steve Iserman being from Detroit, but... I don't know who that is either. Oh, that's okay. Who is that? A Red Wing. Oh, nice. Look...

He is in Tampa now. He lives in the state. Maybe. I don't actually forget. It doesn't matter. Look. Here is how. Tell me more, Loco. Yeah. My name is Loco. Loco. L-O-C-O. L-O-C-O. Oh, yes. I found out I was...

I found out I was a Norse guy by this watch, but I broke it. I dropped it. Oh. I turned it. I was trying to set it and it sent me through this time loop thing. Okay. Yes. Yes. I'm very interested in this. It put me back into a time. Every time I turn it, it sends me back to the 90s. What? And my only power, I guess, is saying the phrase, don't you know I'm loco?

Because people never know my name. Oh, my gosh. That is a power, to be sure. So this watch, you turn it over when it works. When it works. Mind you. It sends you to the 90s. Yeah.

Are you able to sort of prevent tragedies? I can only say I could try, but usually, like I tried, like 1993, they tried to blow up the World Trade Center. Yes. I went to those guys and I said, hey, stop. And they were like, no. Oh. And I said, don't you know I'm loco? Maybe. Oh, man.

And what did they do? I remember reading that in my history book. Now that you say it, that a guy ran in and yelled, hey, stop to them. Sure. Another timeline. Maybe they succeeded. And you're the one who did stop them. Yeah. But I wish there was more things for me to do. I when I when I wave my hands, nothing happens when I don't, you know, I'm loco. That's it. OK. And hopefully it.

them in some sort of way. It makes them change. I mean, I don't know why you feel having this time travel capability is already pretty good. You may not need a special power on top of that. I mean, I should be able. I wanted to. When I first found out, I was like, I want to go save the world. Yes. But I can't do anything else besides say that. Well, is there anything else you'd like to be able to change in the 90s? If you, you know, maybe...

There's something you can do and we can figure out the plan. It doesn't need to be you saying, don't you know I'm loco. That's the problem. When I go back, all I can do is say that. I have no other words. But now you can't even go back because your watch is broken. How did it break, may I ask? And I know that's a very sensitive question. I fell off a bicycle. Two wheels. I was going real fast. I went through a spider web.

You know, the spiders here in Florida. Yes, yes. Went through a spider web and got scared that the spider was on me. Right. Fell, cracked the watch on the sidewalk. Wow, that's almost a superhero origin, except it's how you stopped having powers. Yes, exactly. It's akin to Madam Web. What is that? A commercial I saw the other day. How?

How many times did you get to go back to the 90s, sir, before it broke? Well, when I first found out, I was setting the watch. I went back to 1991.

Robin Hood Prince of Thieves came out that year. Yeah. Also, that was the year that the cops beat up Rodney King. Yes. We have two different frames of reference. And I went to them and I was trying to stop them. So I said, hey, stop. That's good. And they didn't. They said, why? Why should we stop?

And all I could say was, don't you know I'm low-code? Oh, a tragedy to be sure. This is Sisyphusian. You want to be able to change all these moments in history and you're powerless. All you can say is, don't you know I'm low-code? Maybe there's some circumstance where that would actually change history.

Maybe. Once you fix this watch, we can go back and see. Let me get at it. Let me get a... Sir, aren't you being filled with just memories of all the times in the 90s where that was in the history books?

Like, I'm thinking back to the special features of Titanic before he was mistreating his actors on set. And then that guy ran in and tried to stop it. The water's too cold for Kate Winslet and William R. DiCaprio. You're two years too young to be watching Titanic, young Marvin. Sorry, sir. Yeah, that movie's PG. Naughty, naughty. Not PG-11. But that is true. I went back to the set of Titanic. The water was too cold. I ran to James Cameron and said, hey, stop.

He said, why should I stop? We're filming a movie. And I said, don't you know I'm local? And they continued to film. I watched that car scene like 45 times, sir, from Titanic. Okay, well, don't tell me what you got up to after that. That's not legal for me to hear. All right, let me get back to this watch. Hey, watch where you're putting your hands. It seems to happen.

It seems to have some safeguards in it. Yeah. Can we do that again? I don't think you got it. Oh, yeah. Let me just see what I did before. Hey, watch where you're putting your hands, man. Okay. Did everyone else hear a scream, sir? No, many watches have that as a sort of security measure. A woman's scream when you try to open up the back of the watch to prevent thievery of all sorts.

Is it done? Let me just do a... Sorry, I got an erection as I was fixing it. That's what happened to me during the car scene, sir. Oh, Marvin, I'm not allowed to hear these things. Sorry. You're wearing like, we can really see it too. You're wearing like MC Hammer style pants. Yes, yes. You know, I tried to go back and stop him from wearing those pants. What'd you do? I walked up to him and said, hey, stop. As he was buying them.

And he goes, what? Who are you? And I said, don't you know I'm loco? Well, I bet he's used to people after saying stop saying Hammer Time. Yeah. Which is one of my favorite times, I have to say. I don't have that word in my travels. Okay. I can say it now. Is there a circumstance? Do we think there's a circumstance where saying don't you know I'm loco could change history for the better? Well, let's try it.

Okay. Turn the watch back. We'll go back together. To when George Bush Sr. threw up on himself. Remember that? Yes, in Japan. My favorite thing from the 90s. He dishonored, yes, the Japanese people. Here we go. Here we go. When are we? This is Japan. 1991. Wow. Look at the cherry blossoms. The cherry blossoms. The Hondas.

Oh, that's wow. In accord. Brand new. Yes. Wow. Oh, there he is. There's the president. 1992. Sorry. Oh, yes. Right. Of course. There's the president. Mr. President. Mr. President. Not gonna do it. Not gonna do it. Not gonna throw up today. Hey, stop. I'm sorry.

What's that now? What do you want me to do? Because I'm, I really, what I do is not do stuff. What I do is not do stuff, so I don't do stuff like stop. I don't stop unless that's something to do. I don't do it. Oh, I think you'll stop when you hear what he has to say. I'm just about to eat this sushi. That's something I am going to do. What do you have to say, sir? Don't you know I'm loco? Whoa!

Okay, Marvin, check your history book. See if history changed. Nerd. What? You're carrying your history book with you. That's my son, by the way. Let's see. Wink. Wink. 1992. Yes. George Bush Sr. Yes.

Definitely threw up. It doesn't stop anything. Maybe you are causing these things. Maybe you caused them trying to vomit. Maybe you caused the treatment of Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet. Maybe you are the one who made the 90s happen. Wow. I didn't even think about it like that. Maybe they all know I'm loco. Yes, it could be that you saying you're loco is what...

created the entire decade. Wow. These are things that you don't know. I'm trying to sort of wrap my head around the time, how that would even work or be possible. I was adopted. So I didn't know this about myself until I got this watch. A Percy Jackson sort of situation. Yeah, Percy Jackson. Actually, I don't know if he's adopted. So I guess I don't know that. Maybe he's not. I just found this out. I was just living my life as a normal Detroiter.

What's 8 Mile like? Oh my God. It is amazing. They have the best fries. Have you ever had a hot dog pizza? I have. Really? I'm actually going to an opening of a hot dog pizza place later today. My girlfriend is the owner of that place. I don't know if that's true. What? Why would you question that? Your girlfriend? Yeah. That lady's a free spirit. I know who she is. Do you know Lisa Pizza? I do know Lisa Pizza. From Queens, Lisa Pizza? Yeah. Wow. Detroit is the third city.

So I had to go to the first city, which is New York, and the second city, which is Chicago. Chicago. And then Detroit. Sorry, I was just thinking of a second city sketch. Oh, wow. Wow. Well, what's today's date? It's February 29th, Leap Day, the most wonderful day of the year. Oh, I don't care about that. What the fuck? What the fuck?

I don't give a shit about that. You don't give a shit about a leap day? Even time travelers don't care, sir. Yeah, you're a time traveler. Haven't you ever traveled to a leap day in the 90s? Maybe. I never really checked the date on which I traveled. You didn't travel to one of Ja Rule's birthday bashes? Nah, I have done that. Really? Yeah. Well, that's good. Maybe it was on a leap day. It was on the birthday. Is Ja Rule born on leap day? Nah.

Wow, that's a shame. Well, I know it's awesome. That's a stupid day to be born on. Oh. Amen, sir. No, I shouldn't say it. What? Nothing, nothing. So, well, look, Loco, were you known as something else before that or have you always just been Loco? Loquacious was before that. Oh, beautiful name. Thank you. Irish? No. Oh.

well i think i fixed your watch all right how much do i owe you it's on the house i should have given you the spiel i'm actually not a licensed watch repairman that's my uncle he's not here because he set me up to be here alone for my date and i am just sort of a trainee and i'm trying to fix watches kind of on their own and um i don't

Did I say uncle? I meant brother-in-law. I can't trust you. I can't trust you as far as I can throw you. I'm just, I'm all flithered about. Someone was in here earlier whose uncle died and it got my head all mixed up. And then you time traveled, father. Yes, yes. I have a good excuse. Is there a reason why this spring is hanging out? Is there anything you can do about that? Oh, let me see. Let me just... Let me just...

There it is. It's back in. Gosh, I wish I had it coming here on any other day.

No, this is a good day. This is a great day. It's a terrible day. It's the stupidest day of the year. I agree. No! Thanks for fixing my watch for free, jackass. Sir, before you go, if you ever get to travel back again, here are the names of my bully's parents. If you could make sure that they never meet each other or they die. Oh, you could jump in the way of...

Of their... Coitus. Of their coitus, yes. In the line of fire style, take the bullet from... I have done that a couple times. Really? And I scream, hey, stop. Don't you know I'm loco? Don't you know I'm loco? But there's ricochets and still impregnates the person. Oh. It goes through the gap in my thighs. You're so cool, sir. I wish I was hiding with you instead. No, that's no cooler than what I talk about. I'll be...

Just let him shoot through the gap in his thighs, pregnant people. Oh, gosh. Sir. Yes? Nothing. Thanks for having me. I gotta get out of here. Oh, well, I guess I'll see you later then. Alrighty. Y'all take it easy. And also, remember, stop. Hammer time? No. Don't you know I'm local? Oh, well, what a wonderful man. Yeah.

I fixed his watch. That was nice. And he can time travel again. I mean, you gotta admit, that's pretty good I fixed a time-traveling watch. I can't wait to tell Lisa all about this. Yeah. Yeah. What? Marvin, you seem hesitant. No, I just feel like I actually am learning a lot today. Oh, about how great Leap Day is? No. Yeah. No, I know what you mean. I thought Leap Day was this wonderful occasion, but...

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Because today really was going to be a leap day for me, literally.

As in leaping to my death. You mean leaping? Before I walked into this establishment. Yes. By God, I was ready to check out early. Oh. I was ready to take a long walk off a short pier. Okay? Yes. I started to think, my toaster needs a bubble bath. Oh, okay.

And then I met you. So when you say leap day, literally leaping off a building was one of the options. I had a one way ticket to Dubai and I planned on jumping off the highest tower in the world that they got in Dubai over there. Burj Khalifa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the one. Yes. I was going to do a red eye. Ethan Hunt was there once. Oh, well, even better. I planned on jumping off that thing. Jumping?

Well, how are... Jumping, falling, sailing... Sir, this is serious. Oh, sorry, yes. Oh, my God, I didn't notice. There's a young child here. There's a young lad here. This might not be the kind of talk a young child could see. You know, I only... You know, I like films like Simon Birch. You know, I don't think young children... You remind me of Simon Birch. Don't say that. Anyway...

And I figured I'd come in here, I'd get the time piece figured out because I figured, you know, what I've read when I punch it into Google is when you jump from that kind of height on impact, you explode. Oh, yeah. It disintegrates. Yes. Almost certainly lethal. Yes.

So I figure, let me get the watch worked out just to give one little, you know, make a little bit of a less of a hard time for the, you know, the forensics. Oh, to give them time of death. Yeah, because, you know, ever since the pandemic, I go, you know, hey, we got to support the first responders, the nurses.

So I figure I give the, you know, you know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. I mean, the pandemic changed everything. Oh, the pandemic changed everything. We're watching Black Widow in our homes instead of at the theater. Oh, my God. The pandemic changed everything. It changed everything. God. Instead of looking at clock towers, we're looking at our clock radios. Isn't that insane? Yes. Yeah, but I was all for the, you know, I was all for... Thank God for Operation Warp Speed. Oh, yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Say what you want about Trump, but, you know, he was able to, you know, figure that out. But yeah, man, but I was, I was, I was all for the, you know, medical staff. I was out there banging pots and pans, singing on the balcony. I tried, I just kept missing. Yeah. So that's, that's pretty much why I came is I was planning. You were going to get, so you, you were so, wait, now I feel like you've skipped a chapter here.

You were banging pots and pans during the pandemic. Yeah, singing on the balcony. Yeah, and now that was four years ago. I had a couple front-facing camera videos. I don't want to brag. Where I go, that feeling when you're staying at home and you can't get a haircut. Yes. I don't know if you saw that. It got a couple, you know, 20 likes. I don't have a phone, you know, with videos on it and stuff. But...

It sounds really funny. Yeah, I thought it was pretty good. So, okay, so you're doing this, making front-facing videos, having a typical pandemic experience, watching, you know, Black Widow at home instead of in the theater as it was meant to be seen. And, you know, say nothing of Wonder Woman 1984. And so then...

Four years later, you're going to kill yourself. I guess I'm sort of missing what was the, what put you over the edge. It wasn't the death of your uncle. It was... No, I mean, well, yeah. I mean, obviously that was all sad. You weren't trying to reunite with him. Yeah. You weren't even close to him. Yeah, no, no, no. You know, I guess I felt a little bad that, you know, I didn't, I was able to bond with him, but yeah, it was just, you know, I just felt like...

you know what's the point it's just all uh you know so you know such a dark times uh you know etc but uh i gotta tell you yeah you me you uh flip my whole world upside down you made me feel like i'm gonna wake up and smell the coffee that's what you're gonna appreciate the time you have on this earth yes wake up and smell it not only have i heard it i've done it

See, you're the funny guy. Yes. I went to tell a sleep in a Starbucks. Oh, my God. Really? Yes, really. I swear upon the tombs of the great ones. Jesus. How did that end up? I mean, just literally, I woke up and I smelled the coffee. Oh, okay. So you were sleeping. Okay, I get what you're saying. Yeah. Well, anyway, you know, I'm pretty much...

Pretty sure I'm not going to do it now. Oh, that's great. 90, you know, I didn't. No, I did. I canceled it. I was going to do a red-eyed Dubai. I think that would have gotten me there. Maybe technically that wouldn't be a leap day. It would be the next day or...

I think that, look, I guess I'd have to look at the flight schedule. Yeah. Which way around Earth you're going, all of that stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It probably won't be the same day. Right, right. And then also. Yeah. Yes. But anyway, I can't tell you. So you're going to live now. Yeah, I think. I mean, 90%. Most people are probably like 80%. So. Yeah. No, I think I'm pretty.

Yeah. I think I'm not going to go to Dubai. You've learned the lesson of Leap Day to appreciate time, the time we have on this earth. Smell the roses. Wake up, smell the roses. So it's not going to be giving a whole new meaning to Leap Day. Yeah. Well, I guess, well, in a way...

Well, yes, it is for you, but I meant by my standards where it's already a good thing and I have to be like, oh, he leaps to his death and getting the watch repaired was the last thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, yes, so we're on the same page. Yeah, we're on the same page. I get it. I think I get it now. Leap day. I get it. Well... Do, Marvin? Yeah. It's not just a stupid day. It's a stupid day that gives grown-ups something to talk about. Yeah.

To fill their empty lives. For losers to love. For sweet men who want to live to talk about. Incredible. Thank you, sir. Well, not exactly what I... Less than I hoped to impart, but it's a start. It's nice to see a loser like you trying to live your best life despite your everything. Marvin...

If it weren't illegal, I would hit you. But society frowns upon it in this decade. Um, who's coming in? Maxwell? Yes. Maxwell, are you here? Yes, come in, come in, come in. Maxwell, hi. Hi.

Scott Aukerman! Yeah, from Comedy Bang Bang. Yes, yes. I had a television show for about five years. I loved it. I watched every episode. Oh, you did? Really? Yes, yes. All 110 of them. Yeah, pretty much my shelf life was for that five years, and then my career was over. Oh, I disagree. Yeah, no, but I still do podcasts. That's good. I mean, you know, it's a pivot, to be sure, but it's one that I'm proud of. Hey, people are fans of podcasts. I guess so. I mean, who knew where the technology was going to go? I mean...

TV is kind of... The inches from your mouth into their ears, I would guess. Yeah, I mean, who knew we would be watching Black Widow at home? At home, yes. So, I mean... Hope your TV's 4K. Technology and streaming has disrupted everything. Oh, yes. So, you know, it's a weird world out there. Anyway, it's great to see you. It's great to see you, Scott. This is Tallahassee. This is Tallahassee, where I live. This is longer watch repair. Yeah, I've never been to Florida. America's droopy dick. Yes. Yes, but we have...

Disney World. Have you ever been? No. Okay, well, you got to go sometime. Yes, and Tom Petty wrote a song about someone committing suicide in this town. Okay, well, I'll have to check that one out. Was it one of the big ones, like Learning to Fly? Oh, I think it's American Girl. American Girl is about someone committing suicide? Oh, I think so, here in Tallahassee. Oh, my God. Really? Which particular lyrics? She looked out on the four rivers.

I don't know. On the four what? The freeway. And it's based on a girl who leaped to her death in this very town. That's very grim. It might be misremembering. I'm ashamed for singing along with it. It's full volume. Grimmer than Grimsburg, we say. Grimmer than, I have another guest on my show who loves the TV show Grimm. So, yes. Oh,

I love grim. You love grim too. Oh, I love the amount of time it takes an episode. All right. Was that you? I can't remember who, I think it was someone different. Anyway, I don't remember either getting very off track. I wanted to just come in here. I was, I was making my way through Florida and I just, uh, you know, I, I rented a car, uh,

I have a lot of Comedy Bang Bang favorites in the car, you know, like Tony Bada Gabbingiato. Tony Bada Bingiano? Yeah, and Alfie Kangas. Alfie Kangas? Yeah, I mean, Zuby Condoruni is dead. Yes, yes. But, so he couldn't come. That's okay.

The only funeral I've attended where no one shed a tear. People were, it was like upside down. Tears weren't falling. They were like going up to heaven. Reclaiming sadness. Yeah, it was so strange. I've never seen anything like that. But in any case, I just wanted to come by and wish you a happy birthday. Oh, you remember. It is my birthday after all. What? Like all those serial killers?

Yes. I came back. Lisa Pizza, you're back. It's me, Lisa Pizza. I brought pizza for everyone. Well, it's in three dimensions, like a hot dog. A three-dimensional hot dog. All pizza is in three dimensions usually, but this is really... Well, you've never had a flat hot dog?

I guess I flatten one on the grill where I press it down really hard. They can fax them to you. They're amazing. Oh, really? They're absolutely delicious. Technology. Maxwell, this is... I didn't want to say anything, but passing through Tallahassee, I stopped at this pizza place, pizza... The pizza space. The pizza space, and I met a beautiful young woman who became my side piece. We...

are in a situation. It's very romantic and complicated. So just don't tell Gulab whatever you do. I didn't know that Tom Petty... She blocked my number. Who the fuck are you? Oh, I'm sorry. I just... That's Bobby. He was going to kill himself. Oh. I actually didn't know that Tom Petty's song was about suicide. Oh, sorry. That was my favorite song. No, no. It's not triggering to you to make you reconsider. Well, you know, he's a hero of mine, and I guess...

Realizing that song is about that maybe is... Yeah, but he just died of natural causes, right? Can you get a... Can you get charged? Say stop pulling at your collar. Thanks, brother.

He has naturally curly hair, Tom Petty. You know, he used to straighten it. Beautiful. Yeah. What about you, Lisa? I straighten this hair too. Yeah. I don't wake up like this. It looks wondrous. Well, I'm involved with Scott now, so that's really inappropriate. Sorry, you better back off. Oh, sorry. I guess I didn't realize she went on another date after she left here. Scott can get pretty violent. By the way, I loved your English teacher, Marvin. I told you so. But I'm involved with Scott now. Yeah, so that's not going to happen. So Marvin, you better back off as well. All right.

I'm thinking I might book another red eye. No, no, no. You have so much to live for. Tom, to where? Your siblings. A red eye to where? Dubai. Is it a red eye if it takes a super long time to get there?

I mean, if it depends on your eyes. If I do it tonight, if I do it in the middle of the night. Hey, man, don't let these bullies get you down. They're jealous of you. Yeah, let's beat them off. If I fly tonight, is that not a red eye? If I fly tonight. Maxwell, let me get my friend in here to beat you up. Loco, come on. Hey, Loco, come on in here. Loco, get in here. Hey. Hey.

Hey, buddy, do you want to beat this asshole up? I'd love to beat him. I just had a new outlook. I learned! Marvin, you don't need to get kicks and punches in, too. Hurt people hurt people, sir. Would you mind if I kick him briefly? I guess. I just woke up and smelled the coffee.

Maxwell. Yes. I do have some good news on your birthday. I have a telegram. Yes. It was sent to me. Care of comedy. Bang, bang. But it's for you. Okay. It's here. Let me just read it. Maxwell Keeper. Stop. Happy birthday. Stop.

Bothering me. Oh, no, I'm sorry. Happy birthday. Stop bothering me. Stop. Oh. Lisa Portia. Oh, my ex, Lisa Portia. Oh, you pronounce it Portia. I pronounce it Portia. Well, that's why we broke up. I refuse to say Portia. Okay, you really should reconsider that. Yes.

I think she also hated me. You should be considerate and call people what they want to be called. Haven't you always felt that way? Yes, that's true. That's true. It's probably too late anyway. Yeah. Anyway, so you just, I guess, so happy birthday. There's a telegram for you. Well, that's nice. So it's sort of,

To put me in my place. I read it wrong. I thought it was happy birthday. Stop. And then bothering me. No, I get it. I get it. Look, I just have a thing for Lisa Pease. Rounded toilet water for the whole room? No, no one wants toilet water. I'll take some. Okay, I'm wrong. Wait a minute. This is toilet water. This is sink water that you peed in. Oh, brother. Oh, Marvin. Tell you what.

Everyone, why don't we go to the nearby Fuma Cigar Bar to celebrate Maxwell's birthday? It's on me. Yay. Well, I'm in. You can take off from opening night of your restaurant. Well, it was only open for half an hour. Oh, how did it go, by the way? Well, I mean, obviously. You left with me. I left with you. I think it went really well. Your English teacher said he would close up. Oh, he's the best.

Does he close the school up every night? Why does he assume that responsibility? He must just have a good skill for it. You know, I got to tell you, I probably should go to a mental health hospital and seeing as I was almost going to leave. They're called loony bins. Oh, loony bin, yeah.

But I can't turn down a stogie. You gotta go to Fuma. If you love stogies, you gotta go to Fuma. Loco, I didn't realize that I invited him too. Did I say everybody? I'll take care of this. Hey! Hey, yeah! Don't you know I'm Loco? I hope the beating helps you want to live. For some, pain is pleasure. The Cenobites!

Okay. Look, Maxwell, stop talking about the xenobites. Okay. Next time, next time. I'll get to the xenobites. Promise me if you meet us at Fuma Bar, you're not going to be talking about them. Give me one minute to talk about the xenobites. 60 seconds. No more. At Fuma. At Fuma. I'm going to go in on Chatterer. 60 seconds, by the way? Wonderful amount of time. Thank you. Okay. I just wanted to make sure you were listening. Your car can be gone at that amount of time. That's true. You wouldn't steal a car by hitting a button, would you? I'd love to. Okay. I know. It's confusing, isn't it? It does. All right. All right.

Everyone, let's go to FUMA! Okay, I'm going to close up here English teacher style. I'll see you guys all there. Goodbye, everyone. Bye. Bye. Happy Leap Day, sir. Those were my five best friends in the entire world. Better clean up here. Just put things away. I'll fix one more watch.

Hey, watch where you put your hands, Matt. That did it. Goodbye. Goodbye.

The music was composed by Adam Schatz.

This special was produced by Scott Aukerman and Brett Morris for Comedy Bang Bang World. Fare thee well!

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