Bonus Bang: Weird Al Yankovic, Paul F. Tompkins (Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber)
01:19:54 Share

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive, where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus, auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Quote now at Progressive.com to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates national average 12-month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive.

Between June 2022 and May 2023, potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations.

This podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, is brought to you by Squarespace, our old friends, and Spring. Man, it truly has sprung. No one can argue that. And what do we know about spring? Spring is a time of fresh starts. That's right. You thought January was good for starting fresh? Spring's gotcha beat.

springs about rebirth, and that could mean starting a new venture or switching things up on your website. Well, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. With the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint, you can select from curated layout and styling options to create a personalized website optimized for every device, integrated, optimized, optimizeded, optimizeded.

SEO tools. Allow your site to show up more often and grow the way you want. Plus, make checkout easy for customers with easy-to-use payment tools, except credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay, and in certain countries, give customers the chance to buy now and pay later with

Afterpay and ClearPay. Selling content on your website? Well, add a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell downloadable files. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch. And I know you're going to be go to squarespace.com slash bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

Hey everyone, this is Scott Aukerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and welcome to another bonus bang. We are in the middle of a series called The Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber, and this episode is in fact essential. This is episode number 203, entitled The Vicar of Yanks. The Vicar of Yanks. This episode came out February 25, 2013, and...

and has our good friend Weird Al Yankovic, as well as Paul F. Tompkins playing Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. These, of course, are older episodes that we're taking out from behind the paywall and letting you hear them. This is an incredible episode. If you've never heard it before, you're going to enjoy it. If you have heard it before, I would say you're going to enjoy it as well. And of course, if you like what you hear and want to hear the entire CBB archive, you can become a subscriber at cbbworld.com, where you can find every single episode we've recorded.

Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang Comedy Bang Bang

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it, will all states still cover the damage to my house? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Ah, good catchphrase from, who's this from? Malcolm McDowell says meow.

Even better screen name than the catchphrase, I might say. Screen name better than the catchphrase. The classic conundrum. What is this? There's a better catching phrase. We all know who that is, by the way. Welcome to the show, Comedy Bang Bang. That was a catchphrase. You know, if you have one, you know what to do. And I'm Scott Aukervin, and you know that melodious...

Mellifluous? Is that a word? Mellifluous. Please, if you must borrow our language, dear boy, please do try to pronounce the words correctly. And that's what we're really doing. We're just borrowing the king's speech. Correct.

From the English and we're... That's correct. Not the king's speech. The king's English, darling. That's right. I borrowed the king's speech from my friend, James. Yes. When are you going to return it? Has he been talking to you about this? He's mentioned a few things. Very passive-aggressive. Why is he talking to you? I didn't even know you... He's trying to triangulate us, don't you know? Oh, okay. Well... It is against one another. You must be going crazy right now. I'm going simply mad! I'm out of my topping hat!

Thank you so much for bringing your topping hat, by the way. Of course, I'm a gentleman. We all know who this is. Everyone knows who this is. Friend of the show. Brenda the show. Brenda the show. Brenda. I said Brenda. I see. In your charming colonial way. Brenda the show. I'm a Brenda the show.

I got to talk to Gary Marshall about maybe a sitcom called Frenda. Please don't talk to him. Really? Do you have something against him? He's just frightful. He is, isn't he? So loud. He's so very loud. Constantly hollering, screaming, yelling, bellowing.

Just like Gil Bellows as well. Yes, the charming actual. Yes. From the Shawshank Redemption. Yes. And Gillian Bellows as well. But we all know who this is. This is, of course, Andrew Lloyd Webber. We all know who I am.

Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, the composer of such Broadway musicals as Cat, Jesus Christ Superstar, Joseph in the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat, Starlight Express. Express, I believe is pronounced. I beg your pardon. Starlight Express. Did I mispronounce it? Yes, of course. Starlight Express.

Roller skates. Roller skate train. Remember, dear Scott Rick, when those people in their tight-fitting dance skins donned their roller blades and risked life and limb to bring life to a musical that no one remembers anymore.

I feel like you and I may be the only people who do remember it. It was the turn off the dark before the turn off the dark. That's right. Was anyone injured? I don't remember at all. Everyone was injured. Every single person, every single night. Check the Guinness Book. Ah. Yes. We hold the record for most injuries in a Broadway play. Oh, God.

You know, I can't afford the book, but I've always wanted it to be online. Why is it so prohibitively expensive? Why is it only for people like me? Why is it for the 1%? Guinness, change your business model. They also have a record for the most exclusive book. That's right. Andrew Lloyd Webber, you're here.

I'm here. You are, as I said, friend of the show, and you're back, and we haven't seen you in quite a few months. No, it's been quite a while. It's been quite a while. It's been. What's that? I don't know. I've been here. Have you thought, by the way, about...

Doing some sort of new musical based on the music of the Barenaked Ladies. It's all I think about. Then why don't you know the song One Week? It's so... What is that? Is that one of their songs? That is their most popular song. The devil you say? Their one number one hit. How does it go? It's been...

Surely you know it from that. Very short. Brief number. Well, that's why I went to number one. People could listen to it over and over again. Oh, indeed. And so it got, yeah, exactly. Not like that American Pie. Oh, God. Or Lido by Balskags. Or Stairway to Heaven. Don't know that one either, really. By Led Zeppelin? Yes. Yes, of course. What do you call it? Stairway to Heaven.

Oh, I see. I see. Yes. There's some sort of disconnect here. Am I mispronouncing it? It's Stairway to Heaven. Stairway to Heaven. Yes. Because there was an old musical song called Stairway Away from Heaven. Oh, how did that go? I remember that. It was something like this. Me, me, me, me, me. I'll join in if possible. Singing, singing, singing. Singing is fun.

Oh, gran is all upset. No, you're making it a sort of hee-haw. I'm doing a hillbilly clap. No, it's not a hillbilly song. Are you familiar with the tradition of British musical? Oh, of course. Paul McCartney, When I'm 64 type songs. Yes, that's somewhat true. He's very inspired by that. Has he said that in interviews?

I'm sure. I've never been able to sit through an entire interview of Paul McCartney. Poor lad. Only a sir. I hate his speaking voice. Love his speaking voice. It's a terrible speaking voice. It's so bad. One can hear the constant thumbs-upping he's doing as he speaks. And he'll like...

Oh. Or the Liverpudlian accent. Oh, my goodness. Is like something out of Dante's Inferno. What English, and we'll get back to the other question we had, but which English accents are pleasant to the ear? Is it just like one square city block in England, and if you go outside of it, it just gets distorted? It's not so much located by a particular region as it is particular structures.

And I find that the most pleasant speaking tones tend to reside in, what's the American word for them? Mansions. I see. Castles. What about a place like Big Ben? If you grew up in Big Ben, how would you? You sound like a terrible cockney. Oh, I see. Anytime you hear a large bell ringing.

You have to shout in order to be heard? If you're bored with the sound of any large bell, your accent just deteriorates. So if you're growing up in a mansion, you're able to speak in lower, hushed tones, much like you. And then if a bell comes along, then you have to be like, ow, the bell! That's exactly right. That's exactly right. It's just a shouting. You see, if one lives in a castle...

One can speak very quietly and because of the nature of the stone walls. And also you have servants who will relay instructions. If I'm honest, most of it is the servants relaying things that you say to the other side of the room. Right.

Okay. If you saw the movie Batman directed by Tim Burton. Hmm, let me think about that one. I know my favorite song is Bat Dance, but I don't know that I've ever seen the movie for which it was written. By the Little Prince. The Little Prince. Yes. There's a scene in which Batman's alter ego is... Batting Man, do you mean? Yeah.

I believe you're talking about The Bad Gentleman. Yes. The Bad Gentleman is...

It is a daytime alter ego of Bruce Wayne. I didn't know that. He's on a date, a stay-at-home date with the reporter Vicki Vale. Vicki Vale. Vicki, Vicki. That's what that lyric in that song comes from. Yes, indeed. Vicki Vale. Vicki Vale. Okay, got it. The movie The Bad Gentleman was inspired by the song Bat Dance. I see. So the little prince wrote Batting Dance first. Yes.

Antoine de Saint-Esprit's little prince wrote the song Batting Dance. I see. It in turn spawned a motion picture franchise called The Bad Gentlemen. Okay. Great. I'm on board. Yes. Thank you. Welcome aboard. Thank you so much. I christen thee

the good ship conversation and God bless you and all who sail in you. I'm just going to take a nap in my room for 15 minutes if that's okay before we... Yes, I'll see you in eight bells. I'll just kind of put away my luggage and just kind of take a nap. Just relax. All right. Thank you so much. Make sure you check your room for bedbugs. Really? Is that a problem on this ship? It's a problem on the high seas. Hmm. I didn't know that. Nautical bedbugs. You're not familiar? Nautical bedbugs. This is a problem. I haven't heard of these at all. Maritime bedbugs.

have been a scourge upon sailors dating back to Sinbad. And what would they do? They would swim out from the shore and jump onto ships? That's right. And

That's right. Because they knew that the beds were more comfortable. There's a certain type of bed bug that's very adventurous. You just can't stay still. Can't be kept in a cage. Can't be kept in a cage. Needs to be out there on the wide open seas. He feels as if there's something greater than himself out there. Sure. And he's going to see it. And there'll be no talking him out of it. Oh, many a bed bug mother will weep on land watching her son swim out to a boat.

To make people itch on the scene. Too bad they have to live in the beds because beds are usually in a room. They can't be out with nothing above them. Why can't they be tree bugs? But it's right there in the name. That's the problem. Do you feel that if you're a bed bug, it's nature versus nurture? No.

I think, you know what? I think there's an interesting children's book idea that you and I should write and maybe our guest, whom we'll get to very soon. He's a children's book author himself. If I do insist on having these guests...

You just want to talk, you and me, one of these days? Well, you're close to what I'd like to do. So you would just like to talk. Well. All right. But I think there's a children's book in here about the bed bug who didn't want to stay in the bed. You know, like the adventurous bed bug who couldn't be confined to a bed. He wanted to, you know. What shall this bed bug's name be? Ah.

I think that his name... At the count of three. Sure, we'll both say what... Let's count down from five to one. Okay. And then we shall blurt out the name that we both agree upon. Okay. Shall be the name of this adventurous... So we'll count down five, four, three, nose, one. Yes. And then we'll say the three again. Okay, great. Five, four, three, nose, one. Hageny!

I said hegemony. You said Barnaby? Yes. Why did you think that we would say the same name? I'm now realizing that there would be practically no chance of that happening. The Scott old thing. Don't you realize, in children's literature circles, alliteration is very important. Ah, what was I thinking? And of course, if his name has to start with a B, it's going to be Barnaby, because there's a B at the beginning and a B at the end. Indeed. Barnaby. Barnaby.

No, he's not a bee. Yes, but his name starts with a B and ends with a B. Barnab-ba-ba-ba starts with a B and then Barnab-bee. Who told you that? His Christian name, and make no mistake, he is a Christian. Okay. His Christian name is Barnaby. Aren't you Catholic? What? The very idea. Church of England, dear boy. Oh, so sorry. Please. See you, Eve. To the day I die. When do you think that'll be? I know we'll get back to the Barnaby. Oh, I wish I didn't know. You do know? Have you been talking to Cake Boss or what? Who?

Never mind. Of course I know who the cake boss is. The boss of all cakes. Are you joshing with me? Okay. I'm jesting with you in a way. Do you know, in England we have a history of court jesters. They are the only ones forbidden to mock the royalty. And in this realm, I suppose you are the royalty, much as it pains me to say so.

And may I humbly serve as your court jester? Thank you so much. You fatuous idiot. Well, classic jester. Classic jester. That's what they did. So Barnaby is a Christian. Barnaby the Christian bedbug. Yes. Okay. His Christian name is Barnaby. His surname or second name is bedbug. Is bedbug. It's also what he is. Well, this is the tradition of names, isn't it? Barnab.

Barna the bee bedbug. If you were a miller, a brewer, a taxidermist, these are all common last names that people have these days. A Yankovic. He was a vicar of Yanks. He was an American clergyman. Yes, of course. Yes. And of course it becomes corrupted over time as it travels from England as the Yankovics did when they were vicar Yanks. And then they make their way to the new world.

And then it becomes corrupted and people just say Yankovic and then people get it wrong and call him Yankovic, which is a huge problem. When people put extraneous H's in names, I'm not a fan. Oh, no, no. We're talking with Andrew Lloyd Webber. Now you've done it. And speaking of Yankovic.

Yes. Why don't we get to our guest? Yes, let's leave all of those threads dangling. What threads are we leaving? And never return to them. What are we leaving dangling? That's for the listener to be frustrated by. Yes. Do they really need closure on this bed bug thing? You'd be surprised. I did want to hear you shout because I was wondering if your voice would turn into a cockney if you ever shouted. Oh, dear. Why?

I wonder if it would. That's terrifying. Can we play act here and you shout something out, like pretend that we're across a parking lot? Yes, yes, yes. Please, do give me a scenario in which it would be necessary to shout. Now, understand, I'm very rich. Right. And I'm a lord of the British Empire. So shouting for me is very extreme. So let me just think of something. Okay, so we're out on the street. We're in a parking lot. And I can see you across the way in the parking lot. Yes.

Is this some sort of post-apocalyptic dystopia? Why are we out on the street? Okay, okay, I'm sorry. We're in a mansion. Yes, go on. Okay, and your manservant has taken ill. My butler or my valet? Both of them. This is a post-apocalyptic dystopia. An outbreak of the chickening pox.

Curse you chickens! I'll park on you! You got him! That's how you get him! So, we are across the dining table from each other. Yes! Like the bad gentlemen. Yes. You're at the head, I'm at the foot. Much like the batting gentlemen! Of course! Let's wrap this up. I am Vicki Vale. You are the bad gentlemen. I'm the bad gentleman!

Yes, of course. How exciting. We're across the table from you, and I say past the salt. I haven't seen the movie, but I'm imagining that's what it is. Yeah, well, it's a sort of thing that if you don't have a full-time kitchen staff, you may end up having to season your own food. Yes. Some people do it. I personally don't subscribe to this method. I think people try to—they think it's charming to season your own food. Yes. It's very common.

It's very, very common. And now we are across the table from each other and I say pass the salt and you can't hear me. Yes. Let's see if you would shout. Okay. All right. Pass the salt. I'm sorry. Do speak up. Pass the salt. I'm sorry. I cannot hear you. Can you hear me? No, I can't hear you. I'm sorry. Could you say, make your request a little louder, please?

Just on the edge of my hearing, I've never raised my voice quite this high before. Uncharted territory. I can't hear you.

Look, speak up, love. Whoa. Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. That was terrible. Oh. I didn't. Oh, heavens. Oh, that was like Eliza Doolittle. I don't care. I don't care for that at all. No, please. Let's keep your voice down at all times. Like I became a Mr. Hyde.

Have I done a Jekyll and Hyde musical? Someone's done it. You should do one, though. I should have done it. I believe it's happening right now, but I didn't do it. Who did it? It is out there. I know Sebastian Bach. Who out there? Who dares? Who would dare to come up with a Jekyll and Hyde musical before Andrew Lloyd Webber? Are there musicals, and we'll get to our guests in a second, but are there musicals that you want to get to that you've never gotten to? We've talked about the Barenaked Ladies one. Certainly Jack and the Beanstalk.

Oh, yes, of course. So many songs while he's climbing up that beanstalk. It took him about three days, I believe, to climb all the way up. He could sing probably 50 songs in that span of time. It's a very tall beanstalk. Yeah. It's a stalk of beans. Of course. It's right there. Let's see. What else? MASH. MASH? Yeah, so I wanted to make a MASH musical.

Hawkeye, BJ, Trapper John. I'd have both the first season cast and the later season cast as well. All of them in just one big melting pot. Both colonels, Henry Blake and Sherman T. Potter. But wasn't Sherman T. Potter the replacement for Blake? Indeed, but the deceased Colonel Henry Blake, who was shot down over the Sea of Japan, his ghost would haunt Colonel Potter forever.

You can never replace me, Sherman Potter. You're placing your hand up against your face like it's the Phantom Mask. You can never replace me, I'm Henry Blaze. You can't just put the Phantom Mask into every musical. I can't. Please, take it away from your face. You can never replace me, Sherman Potter. Now I'm sort of on board, actually. Ah!

Oh, those spinsters. We're going to have to pay them. Those miserly old crones, Mildred and Patty Hill. I wish you wouldn't sing copywritten songs. I do apologize. All right. We have to take a break before we get to our guest. So sorry about that. But he's in the green room anxiously awaiting to come out. We must take a break if that's okay. I'll allow it. All right. Do you have any sort of jester-ish kind of thing to say to me before we go to a break?

Uh, yes. You look as if you have that acromegaly disease. Off with his head! Wait, I'm the jail star? Oh, so sorry, so sorry. Clues call. All right, let's take a break. We'll be right back with Comedy Bang Bang, and we have our main guest, Weird Al Yankovic, coming up right after this!

You know what? No matter where you are, or who you are, or when you are, or how you are, all of the reporters' questions, you can feel like you're living the coastal California lifestyle with Viore Performance Apparel. Everything that Viore makes.

is designed to work out in but you know what it doesn't look or feel like it that means their clothes are so comfortable you're gonna wanna wear them all the time and you can feel good about it too because viore offsets 100 percent of

of their carbon footprint. You don't want to miss out on Viore's signature Dream Knit material that will surround yourself with softness. I love Viore. I got some shorts there. They're a fresh take on athleisure. They've become a real staple in my wardrobe. They're made from premium performance stretch fabrics designed to keep you moving with less bulk around your ankles, equal parts style and comfort.

Viore is an investment in your happiness. For our listeners, they're offering 20% off your first purchase. Get yourself some of the most comfortable and versatile clothing on the planet at viore.com slash bangbang. That is V-U-O-R-I dot com slash bangbang. Not only are you going to receive 20% off your first purchase, but you will enjoy free shipping on any U.S. orders over $75. And

And free returns. Thanks, Fiore. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So what are your non-negotiables during a day? Me?

I eat food. Yeah, I admit it. I don't go a day without eating some food. I usually throw a little water in there as well, drink that stuff. But, you know, maybe you never skip leg day. You know, there's stuff that's important to us. Well, you probably shouldn't skip therapy day either when your schedule's packed.

You have kids' activities, big work projects. You know, it's easy to let those priorities slip. Even when we know what makes us happy, it's still hard to make the time to actually do that stuff, right? But when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever.

So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out this brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash bangbang today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bangbang.

High Five Casino lets you play your favorite slot and table games with the chance to redeem for real cash prizes. High Five Casino has a giant selection of over 1,200 games. It's always free to play, and free coins are given out every four hours. Ready to have your own High Five moment? Visit HighFiveCasino.com. That's High, the number five, Casino.com. No purchase necessary. Voidware prohibited by law must be 20.

21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. We have Andrew Lloyd Webber here. And better than ever. Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. So sorry, I almost called you sir. That's quite right. Were you ever a sir before you were a lord? One must be a sir before one becomes a lord. Well, we won't get into that. No, heavens no. Always going forward, don't you know? Yes. We have to get to our guest. Have to get to. Yes.

It is a privilege to. Well, you're semi-omligated at this point. I don't know. I could just keep talking to Andrew Lloyd Webber and just make you watch. I can go back in the green room. It's okay. It's okay. Weird Al Yankovic is here, one of our favorite guests of all time. Why, thank you, Scott. Hurrah. Oh, please. A round of applause. Please sit down, sir. Weird Al and Yankovic. That was so nice of you to stand. Yeah.

Here's American royalty as well. Do you hold some sort of a royalty title? I am, you know, the vicar of Yanks back in the old country. That's true.

So we have confirmation. I know you weren't listening to the early part of the show. Are we talking about that earlier? Yeah, we were talking. Okay. Al, thank you so much for being here on what I have to guess is your fifth appearance on the show? Let's go with fifth. And you were on the TV show the last time we saw each other. You were on the TV show last season, the season finale. Was that the last season? I thought there'd be another one. Well, of course. Yeah, we're coming up on.

So it's not really the last season, is it? I believe... Okay. I won't quibble. It could be the penultimate season. We don't know. It very well might be. Vicar, he has trouble with the English language. Ah. What he means to say is previous season. Oh. So now it makes sense. Thank you. Thank you. You guys seem to speak the same language. Well, yes. Countrymen after a fashion. That's right. That's right. So what year did your family come over here?

Oh, gosh. It was in the late 13th century, I think. Oh, my gosh. On some sort of Mayflower type ship? On a raft, on a small raft. On a small raft? Yes. All the way from England. It was an accident, as I understand. It wasn't intended, no. Fairly accidental. You just kind of meant to go out in a pond or something? It was supposed to be a three-hour tour. And yet, it wound up coming to America centuries before it was, you know. Steva Trunks of Hawaiian Chips. Yeah.

They brought them right over, yes. Really? So these are family heirlooms that you wear. Yeah, they float. You know, Hawaiian shirts. Of course. It's a bit of it. Not many people know that. They're the one piece of clothing that floats? That's why I always wear Hawaiian shirts on an airplane, because if we go down, you don't have time to reach for the life jacket. I'm good. So you only wear them on an airplane? Pretty much only on airplanes. You're about to catch a flight? Yes.

Right after this podcast, I'm out the door, out to LAX. I see. Boy, a traveling guy. Yeah. Always on the move. What a razzling man. Yes. Al, what have you been up to? We haven't heard you on the podcast for a year. It's kind of a personal question, Scott. It is, but I'm going to go there. Oh. Hey.

What have I been up to? Oh, gosh, I'm working on the new album. I'm going on the road. I'm playing Bonnaroo this year. That's going to be fun. Oh, so fun. Now, Bonnaroo, I've heard of this. This is where a bunch of people, they stand around in the out of doors. The Bonnaroovians you're talking about. They're indulging in alcohol and drugs, and they have a contest to see who can smell the most.

Who can smell the most? Yes. What sense do you mean that in? Who can give off the most pungent odor? Oh, oh, oh, because I'm really good at actually smelling the most in terms of guessing people's odors and what they had for lunch, perhaps. Now, is that a skill, or is that something that is thrust upon you? No, that was part of my DNA. That was something that's been part of my family since the 13th century, pretty much. So when they got on this raft...

They were led by their smells to America, really? In a way, because they sensed a new land out there, a land of opportunity. They smelled it, and they followed that scent. I see. Interesting. Follow your nose. Always good advice. It always knows. True. Always. Not always? Always. That's Toucan logic. It's not always valid. We all know three of those make a six-pack.

So, now what I want to know, though, Al, is you're doing Bonnaroon, you have a new album, and you, when does the album come out? You know, it's on the calendar. I can't be held to this, but sometime in the next 30 years. Okay. Sometime. It's the last album on my contract. Standard three-decade deal. Yes, the three-decade deal. If, you know, by the time I'm 83, it hasn't come out yet, the record company is going to ask for the money back. They release you? Yes. I see. I see.

And this is the last of your contract with... With Sony. Sony. Yes. Oh, Sony. Such a difficult studio to get to in the middle of the day. It is. Have you talked to them about that? The traffic is just too heavy on Pico, so I have to... It's just out there in Century City, the furthest point from anywhere on Earth. Mm-hmm. In the middle of the day. What is this? The Saturday Night Live sketch, The Californians? What?

You're a big fan of the Cowboys. If you turn right on La Fianega, though, on the way to the 405. What are you doing here? It's an enjoyable sketch. Just bring it up to them. That's all I ask. I will. Okay, thank you so much. Like, make that a negotiation point if you renew your contract. Do you think you're going to renew your contract? I'm out.

I'm guessing not. I've been under a record contract since 1982. Gosh. That might be nice to breathe the fresh air for a while. That's amazing. A question, if you'll permit it, Vicar. Do you do your own contractual negotiations?

Pretty much, yeah. We put the contract, we tape it on the wall, and we throw darts and figure out what parts we want to negotiate. It's all very subjective and by chance. It's like a roulette wheel. I don't think it's by chance. I think it's by divine intervention. I think God guides those darts to where- You think so? I do. I truly believe that. Several schools of thought there. Yeah. This may seem like a trivial question, but what type of tape do you use? Do you use Scott's tape?

The Scots tape. Not masking tape. Certainly not. Take the fandom mask down. If you use half of the room, half a masking tape room. I think the fandom is not half a role. I think it is one of the greatest roles in the history of musical theater. Hominem, Scotchers, you've done it. Thank you so much.

So, wow, it is amazing, if you'll permit me to swallow in the middle of that question. Please, please do. It is amazing. 31 years under contract at the same- Indentured servitude. Remember when Prince, the little prince, he- Little Prince? He rode slave all over his face? Like, you ever feel like doing that? That lasted a week, didn't it? He ate ash from the tiny volcano. Yeah.

Remember how he changed his name to get out of his record contract? I'm changing my name to an odor because I feel like since that's part of our family's lineage, I feel like that would be appropriate. What kind of odor would you be? It's going to be a slightly lavender-ish, slightly basil.

So a little mix of the two. So if you ever smell that, you'll know your records are around somewhere. Well, now, Scottrick, what sort of odor would you be if you were an odor? Gosh, I mean, there's so many great odors out there in the world. There's fresh-baked...

It's a good one. You know, I don't know that I could necessarily own that like Prince owned that symbol. I don't think that symbol existed before the little prince actually. No, he created it. He created it. So I feel like we would have to create scents in order to. Well, much like the vicar has done just now. Yeah. With the basil and the lavender. I believe it would be a lot like creating my own perfume where I just, you know, pour a little bit of this in. Oh, Scott. Yeah.

Yes, Odor Scott. Yes, exactly. And just pour a bunch of stuff into it and then create something new. All the perfumes are all different, aren't they? All of them. Like snowflakes. Mm-hmm, yeah. No two perfumes are alike. What if a perfume smelled like a snowflake? That's right, because ice technically is odorless.

But like a dirty snowflake. Yeah. You know what I mean? Very subtle. Essence. Slash. Essence of snowflake. Yes. That's what I would change it. What about you? Would you call your scent Dirty Snowflake? Oh, I would. Ooh. That's my online name. How did you know?

Oh, I've chatted with you. That's my words with friends code. DirtySnowflake27. We should play words with friends, by the way. I played with someone for a while and she got, I don't know, I don't want to go into it, but it sounds fascinating. Is it that Gillian Jacobs? Yeah, Gillian Bellows Jacobs. Do you know, I had a game of words with friends going on with her for quite some time. You did? She's terrible. Wait, did she keep it going?

She did keep it going. I tried to quit it a million times. She kept her game going with you? She said, please, please don't quit the game anymore. You're the only person I want to play with. Oh! These other people, I keep having to quit games with them over and over and over. These foul idiots. Foul!

Is it because of the words? I would... Oh, wait. Oh. I feel I've said too much. I believe you have. Oh, no. I never put it together. Skortrek, please do forgive me. I hope I haven't hurt your feelings. I mean, you haven't hurt my feelings. The situation's hurt my feelings. I don't blame people for relaying... From the Jersey Shore. Homonyms.

But Al, 31 years. Yes. The history. Oh, the history. The Capitol Records building. I don't know. Remember that? Is it still there? Maybe. The Victrola. After the apocalypse. 78 RPM. Remember that? Little dog listening to music. Remember all this stuff? Remember my first 78 RPM record? Gosh, so much history. So easily breakable. Nathaniel King Cole.

That's right. The music industry in general just has so much history, and you're a part of that. It must feel amazing. I'm so nice to be a footnote in the Rolling Stone music guide. No. No, you would be at least a mention. A footnote and a mention. Yeah.

Mention and then there would be a little number, a footnote next to it to explain who you were. Do you know what? I've always wanted to get one of those little swords. Oh! The thing that makes people look you up is the little tiny sword. I want to be a sword with the three notches, so I would be the third time that it would be necessary to have a sword. I don't want to be an asterisk. I want to be a sword. Yes, a sword. Yes, of course. You're talking about a sort of sword cubed?

The little sword and then it has like three notches on it as in this is the third sword on the page. I feel as if I haven't seen that one in quite a while. Yes, yes. Thank you for that trip down memory lane. Maybe that'll be what I change my name to. The sword with the three notches. Yes.

It's going to wreak havoc with the publishing industry. I wonder what that would smell like. What would it reek of if it were a spell? Oh, homonyms! But Al. Yes, Scott. So many hits. So many! I can't even count them. How many number... As if there were an infinite number. How many number one hits have you had? Number one? Gosh, I can't even... Zero. Zero.

Zero number one hits. Actually, I can count them. I thought I wouldn't be able to, and yet I have. Not even in the comedy charts. Oh, on the comedy charts, yeah. Does that count? Eh, not really. Not really. But in the regular charts, what's the highest you went? Oh!

I've had a couple top tens. I think the last two albums went top ten. The last two, I mean, that's amazing to have your later records be the most popular records you've ever done. It's a slow build. You know, I didn't want to be the kind of artist that, like, you know, hits number ones right out of the box. I wanted to wait 30, 40 years, have a slow,

build a slow climb and hit the top of the parabola and I think I'm going to peak with my next album it's going to be my best album and after that the slow ride down the hill slow decline as an independent artist I have a question yes do you feel as if your best work is yet to come it is I'm doing it right now in this room what so they're not yet to come but in the immediate future in the immediate future which is the present yes

Now it's the present. Now it's the present. And... You're blowing my mind! Oh! Why did I eat that peyote button before coming into the podcast? Oh my gosh, Mr. Weber. Or Lord Weber. Mr. Weber. I'm not so high. Mr. Webster! I'm not so high that I can't detect that insult to my station. How often do you get high, by the way?

Usually of an afternoon. Every afternoon? Yes, shortly after 4 p.m. Alan, I know you have younger listeners as well, but how often have you been high, would you say? I have never. You've never been high? No, I'm looking forward to it. Not a single drug ever? I haven't gotten around to it. Does Flintstones aspirin count?

Because I've had a couple Barneys and a Betty once. What about drinking? Have you ever, like, legitimately been drunk? Not legitimately, no. It's been very illegitimate. Yes, yes. Wasn't sanctioned by the council. I probably shouldn't say this, but on occasion I have had the occasional blueberry daiquiri. Blueberry daiquiri. Because you live in Hawaii sometimes. Sometimes you have to do it. Sure. When you drink a blue drink, do you feel as if you're in the future? Yeah.

I only order drinks by color. Like, I'm feeling kind of periwinkle today. Make me something periwinkle. Now, this is what I'm talking about. This is wealthy person's behavior. This is how it is, Scott Strick. Maybe one day you'll know. How wealthy are you? It would blow your mind. I honestly, you've had so many hit records in an era where having hit records meant you were rich. Yeah.

You know, so like I just I can't imagine having that much money. I was selling records in the day when people actually bought records. Yeah. It's crazy. I mean, I remember I was thinking about this. Remember the 90s when everyone had just to buy one song, they would buy a person's record. Remember that? It was like $15.99. Think back to it. How wealthy were you? Well, I don't want to make you jealous, but I have actually two TV sets. My goodness. Yeah. Thank one for the living room. Two separate houses.

And several houses. How many houses do you own? Four houses, but only two TV sets. So sometimes the hard part is transporting the TVs to the houses as we need them. Because it's not a carry-on. You have to check a television if you're flying on an airplane or something.

I almost said a teleplane. Oh, I wish someone would invent one. Oh, my gosh, a teleplane. How amazing would that be? It would just teleport you. The most amazing. You would have to walk into a plane-like structure. That's right. But then once you sat down. You sit down, buckle up. And waited for 20 minutes while they closed the doors. Stupid announcements. Just turn off everything. Yes. And then, boom, you're teleported to where you're going. Wait for people to get yelled at for not turning off the telephones. Yes, of course.

And then you would have to go through security for a good two-hour period. Remove your shoes. Yes. Top hats. Topping hats. Medals. Medals, really? You have to remove your medals. I never thought about that. Would you credit it? They ask me to remove my medal when I go through the metal detector. And what I try to explain to them is it's not that type of metal, darling. It's not a medal detector. It's a metal detector. It shouldn't medal with you. Exactly. Oh, Harvard!

Homonyms! We're doing it! Homonyms! We are doing it!

Al, what can we expect on the new album? You should not expect anything. Songs? What can't we expect? I want you to have extremely low expectations. I want you to think that it's just going to be horrible. Unfortunately, I cannot accommodate you in that regard. In fact, don't even expect there to be songs on the next album. Expect it to be like a Marcel Marceau record, just like nothing but silence. And that way, when you put it on and you hear the greatest thing you've ever heard in your life, your mind will be blown. Viggo, what should we not expect?

Great question. Great question for the ALW. Thank you. Oh, it's very meta. You should not expect the soundtrack to your next musical because that would be a copyright infringement. What if you guys worked together? Gosh, I would love that. Well, we've talked about a collabo for quite some time. It's just scheduling is a problem. Schedule.

Really? Because there's no one to do it? He's constantly shuttling his televisions back and forth between all of his four houses. You know, a lot of people will be upset with me working with you because they're still upset about that sacrilegious musical that you did where you took the Lord's name in vain. Exactly. Jesus Christ, superstar. I wish people would understand it's a problem of punctuation. That comma was never supposed to be in there. And for...

40 years that comma has resided in that title. Why? Why did they send it to be proofread? Why? That's the one step that

that's the one thing you should do. Why did they do it? Cool. Can you believe it? Oh, no. Lord Weber, please. That plane needed a mask, I think. That would have saved it. Can you imagine if an airplane had a giant half mask on its news coon? A teleplane. A teleplane. But if they build a teleplane...

They have to have a half mask. Fly upon me. I'll transport you to where you wish to go. Starlight Express 2 teleplane. It's all actors in plane costumes. And they're wearing cross-country skis. Yeah. That's right. I hate to break it. This is like my last Southwest flight. They did the whole thing.

With costumes and everything. Wow. It was kind of irritating at the time, but now I see that it's got some potential. Dude, I find those people on Southwest, the employees, they're very funny. Aren't they? They're very funny. I love the parodies. Some of them could be professional comedians. Yes. In my opinion. Is there such a thing? I don't know. Professional comedians? I've tried to be one.

But no one gives you money for that. What about being a jester, though? It's very similar. Oh, that's different. You're a jester. You're paid in, first of all, not being executed. Sure. That's payment. You get to live in a castle. Yes, it's a bit of a reward in itself. You're exempt from execution. You don't have to live in a dirt hut. You don't have to live in a dirt hut. You're free to if you like. Sure. But who would like? You get mutton, I would imagine. Free mutton. All the mutton you can eat with your hands. Yes.

Mead. No utensils, though. I'm a glutton for mutton. You wipe your hands on a passing dog. They're very handy. That's why they had dogs in the castle. Why would you want to have a dog other than that? Exactly. I knew they didn't have utensils, but I didn't know they didn't have napkins or any kind of cloth. No, no, no. They would eat with their hands, you see. And then they would just wipe their greasy fingers on a wiping dog. Uh.

Well, Al, we're going to talk to you a little more when we come back. Why? We're going to take a break. Good question. Come on. We do have to take a break. Let's take another break. When we come back, we'll have more with Al. Time to pay the piper. The bills, the bills. Do you have the skills to do so? The piper pays the bills, actually. He's our intermediary in that regard. Too many steps. Let's come back. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. Bye-bye.

For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade. Mike's is hard, so is prison. Don't drive drunk. Premium all beverage with flavors. All registered trademarks used under license by Mike's Hard Lemonade Company, Chicago, Illinois. Are you catching the big game?

Or making big mods? Going on that first date? Or installing that first brake kit? Binging that new show? Or watching install videos? Well, when you're a real car lover, the choice is obvious. eBay Motors has you covered with over 122 million parts to fit your number one ride or die. Brake kits, turbo chargers, LED headlights, exhaust kits, bumpers, roof racks, and engines.

Whether you're into speed, power, or style, eBay Motors has all the parts you need for the ride you love. Plus, at these prices, you're burning rubber, not cash. And with eBay Guaranteed Fit, your part is guaranteed to fit your ride every time or your money back. Keep your ride or die alive at ebaymotors.com. Eligible items only. Exclusions apply. Seems unfair that I took three years of a foreign language and I know approximately three words.

That's one word a year. That's that's not a good ratio. It's it's tough. It's tough to do. Well, you know what is not so tough?

Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program. It's available on desktop or can be used as an app on your phone or tablet. Trusted experts for 30 years with millions of users and 25 languages offered. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways with its intuitive process. You can pick up any language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences.

Rosetta Stone, it's very easy to use. I started learning Italian with it. I have a friend who also, he's so far advanced in Italian because he started earlier than me. It's so much fun to do and it's fun to feel like you can understand and speak in another language. Don't put off learning it. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time,

Comedy Bang Bang listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash comedy. That's rosettastone.com slash comedy.

Comedy Bang Bang. We are back with Al Yankovic. Weird Al, do you prefer to be called Weird Al? I prefer to be called Al Yankovic, sir. Al Yankovic, sir. With a comma or sans comma? Vicar of Yanks. Al Yankovic, comma, superstar. Let's not be sacrilegious.

I gotta know, is there one song that you've already released that's gonna be on this app? No! No scoop! On the last time around I did this internet leaks thing. How did that work out? Eh!

Pros and cons. It got a Grammy nominated, but by the time my actual album came out, people were saying, oh, we've already heard half this album. And they didn't buy the album in droves. So I figured this time, let's not give away half the album beforehand. I say, as a bit of a tease, would you be willing to hum six notes from one of your upcoming songs? Yes, I will do that. These are not consecutive notes, but here are the notes. Oh, even trickier. How many was that? Five, I think. Ah!

I believe one of those notes was the same, just an octave separating. Well, I consider that different notes. Will you swear to Jesus Christ, the superstar himself, that those notes will appear on the upcoming album? I don't swear on the radio. They have to appear. Does this count? No. Oh, my heavens, no. Remember the radio. That's part of music history. Remember terrestrial radio. Terrestrial radio. Remember those things? Remember Kevin and Bean? Do you remember...

Speaking of terrestrials, do you remember E.T., the additional terrestrial? Oh, my goodness. He was an amazing terrestrial. Yes, but he was extra. He was one of the best, though. Additional terrestrial. If you get an E.T., you have to include him, even though he's extra, because he's just that good at being a terrestrial. Right.

By the way, the extras, that's where they get you. Oh, my goodness. Ron Sexsmith, by the way, another musician, he was in here the other day, had never eaten a Reese's piece. What? And he had eaten one right before the show. Was he freaking out?

I was like... And he's like, are these new? Did you put them on the ground and have them follow you across the studio? I'm trying to do his sort of... It sounds to me like country, but I know he's from Canada. But I'm trying to do his sort of unassuming voice. But he was kind of like, oh, yeah, these things are pretty good. Are these new? Are these Reese's pieces? I'm like, from E.T.? The movie E.T.? He was like, oh, yeah, I just kind of stayed away from them because I don't like peanut butter, but...

I'm like, you don't like peanut butter and get peanut butter? You bought them? Like, his story was just full of contradictions. Sounds like a madman. Now, you know, his surname, very interesting if you go back to the old country. Yeah, boy. Yes. But, yeah. To find something that late in life, though, that you all of a sudden enjoy, you know what I mean? I wish.

I wish I had something in the way that Ron Sexsmith had Reese's Pieces. I wish I could eat my first Reese's Piece all over again. I say, Vicar, what if we were to undergo hypnotherapy, erase the memory of Reese's Pieces, and then find them at a store, a little corner shop? I say, what are these? Are they brand new? What day is it? You there, boy. I'm afraid if you were to undergo hypnotherapy, Lord Webber, that all of a sudden Mike the Janitor would come around again. Who's that? Never mind, never mind.

Is there something, Al, that you have never done? Yes. I mean, we talked about drugs. Do you ever see yourself actually doing it or is it just kind of like, you know, when I did that Analyze Fish episode, I don't know if you know about it, but I went to Madison Square Garden and took a bunch of drugs. I'd never done these drugs, but I'd never done ecstasy or anything like that. And I did them. And there was that fear of just like, I'm an old man.

Is this the way I die? You know what I mean? So do you ever see yourself one day just going, you know what? Let's try mushrooms. One of these days, when I'm in my late 80s, I think. When you're out of the public eye, you think, when no one's judging you. I don't want to be a role model. I don't want to be held up to criticism. I don't want the TMZ bus driving by and seeing me tripping on LSD. But yeah, I want to

late 80s, I'm thinking. I'm going to try it all. Do you think it's because, have you not, I mean, I know you had a very strict upbringing like myself. Do you think it's just, or was it just say no, Nancy Reagan? Did that prevent, or just, why do you think that you never experimented with it? I think my folks probably scared me out of it because they went through the nightly routine of swear, swear, you will

Swear on the Jesus Christ superstar. I'm sorry. I do love ceremonies. When parents have a don't do drugs ceremony, a nightly ritual. Put on the robes and the wigs of office. I think that everyone makes fun of just say no. I do. I do.

Constantly. It's kind of a drag hanging out with you. It should be just saying no thank you. I think rudeness is more of a problem than drugs. Manners cost nothing. Manners cost nothing. They gain you all. But everyone makes fun of it, but I think it actually worked in my case. Like, you know what I mean? Nancy saved you from a life of... I think so, because I grew up just going, well, smoking is stupid. Anytime I see people smoking, by the way, I just am like, why is this? I say cracking is whacking.

And whacking is cracking. Yes! My dear boy. Oh, but it's... Converse is true! Then add it again! All right, I'll get off this tactic. I'm just fascinated. Yeah, I see, though. With the Just Say No campaign, which I have mocked mercilessly, as everyone knows. It's the subtext of many of my songs. Hmm. If not outright text. That song that you sing about just say no was stupid. They never...

Just say no. How could you come up with such a stupid thing to say? They never dealt with the idea of follow-up questions. So the idea being someone says, would you like to try some marijuana cigarettes? No.

Oh, are you sure? Okay. Yes, exactly. That's how easily it crumbles. In many cultures, you have to ask three times. It's not polite to accept the first clue. Yes, of course. This is the way it is. In America, they wouldn't know about such things. No. Would you like some drugs? No. Would you like some drugs? No. Would you like some drugs? Of course. You would refuse twice on the third time you were sent. Yes.

Only polite. What was the first time you've ever taken drugs, Sir Andrew Lord? I'm so sorry. Oh, my heavens. I wish I was on drugs right now. I thought that you ate that peyote, buddy. So I could black out. It doesn't have the same effect on me as it used to, you know? Yeah. How many years have you been doing that? I've been doing peyote for about, let's see. You're 80 years old now, I believe. No.

I beg your pardon. I'm sorry. I'm just guessing. What am I, Gary Marshall? Yeah, that's true. 80 years old. Do you view him as like he's a guy who could have been your father probably? I wish I could say I was that young. I mean, he was from his family dated back to England from the Marshall clan, the lawmakers. That's right. Who'd be constantly rounding up criminals. Yes. They were sort of the sheriffs. Yes. The sheriff of Nottingham, I believe, was a...

But I believe his is a false surname. What? Yes, I believe he changed it himself like a... Because he's Jewish, isn't he? I don't believe so. I think he's Jewish and says he's Italian. Much like the Fonz. You seem...

I've heard you speak of this before. I feel like you're on some sort of crusade. I just don't like it. It's very strange, your obsession with it. I just don't like the idea that you should change your very lineage in order to just seem like a tough Italian because Italians were in vogue in the 70s. I just don't like it. Were they really? They were.

I mean, Saturday Night Fever, Danny Terrio. Going bananas with Tony Danza. You know? Danny DeVito. All these tough-talking Italians, you know? I just don't like the idea of it, you know? Why is that? I don't know. I think you should be proud of who you are, you know? I mean, we have the Earl of Yanks over here. Vicar of Yanks. Sorry. What's wrong with your Swiss cheese memory? My reference-o-meter is off just a little bit. It certainly is. Usually you're like a steel trap with these things. I am, I am. I am, I am.

What are you talking about? I don't remember. Drugs? Drugs, yeah. Oh, yes. I've been taking peyote for about four decades. Four decades? Yes. What was the first time?

I think... Burning Man? Probably at Burning Man. My first Burning Man, yes. How many Burning Men? I went to the Burning Gentlemen, I think, for the first time when I was 21 years old. Ah, boy. And someone offered me peyote, of course. Was this the festival or was this the self-immolation guy? Oh, this was just a fellow. Yes, it was a fellow from the neighborhood. Ah. Yes. Yes.

It was known that he had drugs to sell. Yes. So we'd go around to the burning gentleman and we'd say, Oi, are you home in there? Oi, really? Well, when in Rome. You didn't want him to know of your status because then he would alert the papers. Yes, we could hear him inside saying, I'm burning to death. Please call the fire brigade. And you were like, Oi. This is code. So in case the coppers are about. Sure. We don't want a Bobby showing up and arresting us, clapping us in the brig.

Not a time bobby either. Certainly not. So I'd ask, I beg your pardon, do you have any drugs for sale? He would, of course, say no. I would say, I'll ask you again, have you any drugs for purchase? He would say no. I certainly do not. I would say, by the holy compact of asking three times, I abjure thee, have you drugs for sale? And he would, of course, be forced to say, yes, what would you like?

Oh, man. He was so composed for being on fire, too. That's amazing. Yeah, well, he was used to it. He was used to it. I don't know. He accidentally set himself afire. You'd think he'd rush through it or maybe agree on the second time, but no, a true gentleman. Well, there's a true gentleman indeed. A burning gentleman is still a gentleman. That's right. What a long, strange trip it's been, then. Yes. Tracking. You ever follow the Grateful Dead around? No, they followed me around. What? Yes. Who does the Grateful Dead follow? Here's what people don't know.

It starts with me. I'm traveling all over the place, sometimes shuttling televisions from one castle to the next. The Grateful Dead, they're on my trail. They're trying to make me try marijuana, which I've never tried. Oh, good. It seems like a very common drug. Yes. The Deadheads, they're following the Grateful Dead. They have no idea. They're also following Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. Oh.

Whence forth follows, where forth follows the followees? How so forth follows those who doth follow he who doth not follow but lead? They thought they were dead heads, but they were web heads. Indeed, like Spiderman, the spider gentleman. Turn off the dark. And who are you following? Friends! If you're at the head of this caravan, who are you following? I follow my mistress and booze, music.

I thought you were talking about Sarah Brightman. Ever shall I chase thee from shire to shire, from town to town. Wait, are you doing the Hobbit musical? From a village to a cloud. What? Are you doing a Hobbit musical? It was 48 frames a second. I could tell. That was great. How did you do that? Do you think we'll ever have 49 frames a second? I don't think our brains can handle that. No. What's Sarah Brightman up to?

Oh, Sarah, my beloved Sarah. She's well from what I understand. We don't speak directly anymore. Don't you have children together? We do. We relay messages through them. That's not the way to act. As a parent...

Well, you understand the children are all in their 50s. Oh, okay. But still. It's still got to hurt. We're in our 60s. The children are in their 50s. Everyone's around the same age. Well, you guys adopted. We all know that. That's right. You wanted friends more than children. That's right. And that's what we got. They're a wonderful bunch. I adore them. Do you call them the wonderful bunch? Yes. Lord ALW's wonderful bunch. When I need them, I'll shine a signal up in the sky. Wonderful bunch, assemble.

I've never understood that. And you never will. Because from what I understand, the batting gentleman...

He's called by shining a light into the sky. Yes. How does he... This is before text. How could you shine a light into the sky? This is, of course, pretextual message. Pretextual. That's assuming that there are clouds that it could bounce or reflect off of. I mean, most of the house... Skulltrick, you live here in Hollywood, California. Don't you ever see those searchlights? The Klieg's. The Klieg lights. But they're not projecting things upon the sky. Right.

If we could project things upon the sky, everyone would do that. I think they use comic book technology. I think skywriting is a much better way to get a hold of the batting gentleman. Oh, I see. If you need the batting gentleman, you would hire one of those little planes to go over the sky. But what about at night?

When all the evil occurs. Yes, that's when they need him the most, don't they? Yes, you're right. Your plan is flawed, Scott. The Batting Gentleman is a nocturnal superhero. Do you think in the Batting Gentleman 60s TV show, they invented the red hotline phone because they didn't want to pay for a big spotlight?

Probably. They were notoriously cheap. What happens if they need to bat during the day? Do they ever think that far in advance? It seemed to me like during that show that he was always called during the day because it's just cheaper to shoot during the day. Yes. You know, like most of his capers took place during the day, don't you think? You always would see that batting mobile come zooming out of the garage during the day. So they signal him at night and then he waits until the daytime where it's cheaper to shoot. Sure. Well, he's up at night. To solve the crime. The television Gotham City –

had a much more active crime rate during the daytime. The motion picture, Gotham, it seems as if the criminals and the batting gentlemen have a sort of gentleman's agreement. We will only commit crimes. This is all of them because vigilanteism is also a crime. We will only commit our respective crimes past crime.

Six bells? Past sundown. Yes. Let's call it 7 p.m. of an evening. Sure. That is when the crime lamp is lit. Only when it can be noir. Indeed. Indeed. French for night. And thank you so much for admitting that vigilanteism is a crime. I mean, a lot of people won't— If I may, Scott Rick and Vicar— I will allow. Take up a moment of the podcastual time to say— But watch yourself, Counselor. Law plus order.

If I may address any vigilantes out there right now, please, the police and other law enforcement officials are in place to do their jobs and keep us together as a society. I urge you, hang up your capes and cowls and stop this vigilante madness. Frankly, when I watch the Batting Man movies, I don't know who to root for because they're all criminals. This is exactly it, Vicar. They're all criminals. I root for that fat cop.

Me too. Bullock. Yes, Henry Bullock. I hope that he loses weight. He's the hero. I'm just rooting for his health. I'm rooting for him to go on The Biggest Loser. Why don't they get more fictional people on that show? That's true. Then Cake Boss could talk to them. Cake Boss.

Do you remember when the Family Feud had superheroes play against each other? I don't. Yes. Which ones? The Justice League of America. Versus who? Played against some other people. Marvel? I think against some villains. Oh, so the Justice DC villains versus the heroes? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Oh, man, I wish I could see that. I wonder if this really happened or if it's a peyote-induced hallucination. Of which you are about to base a musical upon. Pedina.

All right, tell you what, guys. Let's take a look. Turn on the crime lamp, it's called. Top ten answers on the board. That's a song for you right there. The survey states. We have to take a break. Let's take one last break. When we come back, we will play a little game. We'll be right back after this.

Comedy Bang Bang, we are back with... Viagra! Uh, Viagra? I said back! Oh, I thought you shouted Viagra. Oh no, but you know what, I've never...

You know who's never far from my thoughts is that Viagra band. What would that be? I love the music they make. Are you not familiar with them? No. You've never seen the Viagra commercials? From the adverts? Yes. The Viagra band. It's a bunch of fellas. They sing. It's a very clever parody of Viva Las Vegas called Viva Viagra. Oh, I see what they did there. It's a bunch of middle-aged men. They're very excited they could have erections. Yeah.

Thanks to science. Al, do you just turn off commercials, Viagra commercials in particular when you see them? Or are you... I just, you know, I know this is crazy, but I actually fast forward through commercials. So I've never seen a commercial. That's crazy. I don't like it.

A lot of your early work referenced a lot of commercials, and now you're not watching. I was just guessing. I was just assuming. Mr. Popeil? Ask you me, I know. Really? Mr. Popeil? Does he sell things? I used to date his daughter. Do you have a ghostwriter? No. I said writer, by the way, not the ghostwriter. No, no. Although Nicolas Cage actually has been a lot of pop. In that film, The Ghost Rider, did he ever ghost ride the whip?

That would have been a fun thing for him to do. It would have been really interesting. The whip? Yes, you're not familiar with the phrase ghost ride the whip? No. I guess not. I believe it's your automobile is in motion. Yes. And then at some point you climb out of the driver's seat and you get on top of the automobile. Who has done that? And that's called ghost riding the whip. I didn't know what it was called. Well, of course I have. It has a name, yes. Yes. This thing you've been doing all along. Ghost riding the whip? You didn't know what to call it, yes. Yes.

Well, we could talk about this literally all day. I could be entirely wrong. But it's time to play a little something we call Would You Rather. Okay. Please, Vicar, do speak. Have some respect. Thank you, Vicar. Vicar, please. I understand. As we are abolishing you, we are technically speaking during the theme song, but...

It doesn't count quite as much. Vicar, please. All right, it's time to... Wait back for it. I know. I wanted to say it with the proper intonation. Certainly. It was just gnawing at my brain of like, I really want to say it within that cadence. I'm sure the audience was crying out for it to be done. Well, I'm sure they were doing it at home. Like the minute I said it, they said it. So I just wanted to... Well, they would, dear boy. All right, it's time to play Would You Rather. And...

Yes. And here we go. Yes. And here we go. How do you play this game, Scott? Oh, that's right. Well, people send me Would You Rather scenarios to our Twitter, which is at CBBWIR, Comedy Bang Bang, or Bing Bong, Would You Rather. And I then read them out loud. You're free to ask any question about any of the scenarios, either of the scenarios, as a matter of fact, that you like. Could the CBB also stand for Comedy Beanbag?

It could. I want to start selling comedy bean bags. Bing bong bean bags. Bing bong bean bags. Bing bong, you've been bean bagged. If you can say it, I will give you one. If you can say it, I will spray it. I also want the news, not the weather.

All right. So you're free to ask me about either scenario, any question you like, in order to help narrow down your choice. I will, at a certain point, open the floor for questions, and then you can ask these questions. Yes, but not before. No, not before. Please. At a certain point, I will close the floor for questions. There will be no warning regarding this. You will not say in about...

60 seconds. I am going to close the floor for you. No! Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. I suppose technically this is a warning that it is going to happen. This is the only warning we get. Okay, so there is a warning. There is one warning. And this is it. This is it. We're in the midst of it right now. We're in the midst of a long warning regarding the fact that there will be no more warnings after this one. So when you're saying there is no warning...

That was a fallacy. Bit of a femme white lie. It's like a white lie. But you are saying, but all cleverness aside, you are saying when the floor is closed for questions, it will be as if a chandelier has fallen upon us out of nowhere. Can I ask one question? Yes. After the floor has been closed for questions, could I just ask one more question? No. And in fact, you're asking me a question before the floor is open for questions, which I, you know, you're on my last nerve, Al. Although not scenario. Vicar, please.

If I do a sitcom based on Vicar Please, do you get royalties now? I do. I get royalties on anything talked about on this show. You're overlooking the fact that Vicar Please has been running in the UK for about 25 years. But this will be the American version. It's the most popular. With Steve Carell. That's right. Is that what that phrase that we say in America is based on? Yes, that's right. It's a parody of that? Yes, it is. I never knew that was a parody.

Speaking of parody, I'll yank if it gets here. Hi, Scott. All right. This question comes to us from Randy Miller. Randy underscore Miller on Twitter. He asks, would you rather be able to talk to animals, but they're all sarcastic jerks, or have pockets that are always full of pennies? Oh.

Oh, oh, I can't. Interesting question from an interesting Twitter person. I can't wait until I eat. Neither can I, quite frankly. A lot to think about. A lot to think about. A lot to digest. Yes. Let's take a moe. All right. A half a moe? Take a half moe. Quarter moe. Take a haymoe. Haymoe. And if you haven't got a haymoe, God bless you. No haymoe. Hashtag.

This is really our finest work. Can I just say that little eight-second chunk? What I love is we're just saying things. If you want to know what this podcast is about, that eight seconds will tell you everything. Yes, everyone takes a turn just saying things that come into their brains. The end. Subscribe. The floor is open. I have a question. Yes. Lord ALW. In the scenario where...

I can talk to the animals. You are able to talk to animals. Right. I guess we are all able to talk to animals. Yes, exactly. But they are sarcastic jerks. Yes. Can they reply in English? Do I understand what they are saying? What he means is... I know what he means. I know what he means, which is that...

They reply not in English, but they reply in barks or in lizard tongues going out. In their native language. In their native language. But you can tell they're being sarcastic. But you can process it almost as if you had a babblefish in your ear. Ooh. And you are able to hear it in English.

No one else can hear. Well, Dr. Doolittle from the Dr. Doolittle franchise. So in this scenario, he's a real person. He's a real person. He's around and your best friend. Because you have a lot to talk about. Is he a medical doctor? No, he's much like Bill Cosby. The Dr. William H. Cosby? Yeah, that guy.

All animals are sarcastic jerks. Yes, which we, the rest of us do not know, but they are sarcastic jerks, yeah. Are any of them funny? Be funny. Do I enjoy it is what I'm asking.

Is there ever a case in which, say, this particular hedgehog, when he does it, it actually makes me smile a bit? I think there's one or two of them that you enjoy because one or two of them have, you know, the babblefish translates their voice and you hear it as kind of like a, you know, like a Roseanne type, you know, sarcastic. But it makes you laugh because it's like that voice. Roseanne type. May I ask this question? Yes, of course.

In this scenario, are human beings capable of sarcasm? Great question. This is why we play the game. No, there is no sarcasm in this scenario other than with animals. Yes. And so... So sorry, Al. If that is the case... Andrew Lloyd Webber got in before you. Lords before vickers. If that is the case, does the sarcasm of these animals hurt my feelings?

It's so refreshing because there is none in the world, and you are actually the one person who goes around trying to tell everyone in the world about sarcasm. Like, there's this funny thing. I say something, but I don't mean it. And I say it in a voice and with a look and a little glint in my eye that makes me funny, and no one knows what you're talking about. Is that more irony or sarcasm, though? Great question. I say, are these animals of this particular universe...

the jesters of that world because only they are permitted the sarcasm. I didn't want to say it, but yes, they are the jesters of this world. And you are not able and in fact forbidden from chopping off any of their heads. Now, I feel I'm being a bit of a question hog. And I'm not.

And this is unprecedented. Sure. But I will allow, I'll take a breather and allow the vicar to ask any questions. Allow the vicar a haymo. May I flip it a little bit and ask about the pennies? Flip the script! Let me flip the script. Of course. Now the pennies. Yes. Remind me again about the pennies. What they are. Are they small copper things?

It's a small copper thing that we used to buy candy. Yeah. Yeah. They were introduced because there was a candy surplus in America. Yes. And so they wanted to give away this candy, but they didn't really want to give it away.

Did they sell whistles as well? They also, there was a whistle surplus. And so they had these two things, candy and whistles, and they were like, well, we don't want to just give it to people. So they created a small copper coin that people would trade for candy and whistles. Now, these pennies, would they be 1909 Indian head pennies worth considerably more than their face value? They all are a 1909 Indian head penny. Yes. Is that a D as well? It's an S, I think.

An S, yes, an Indian head S. They are all... For Saskatchewan, actually minted in Canada, which makes them even more valuable. Yes, they are all this penny. So you are...

I wasn't quite finished answering. I know, but I'm under the gun here. I'll allow it. Thank you. Shall I watch myself? Watch yourself, Kessler. Yes, these pennies, when you say my pockets are full of pennies, always. Yes. Yes. How big or small are my pockets? You wear skinny jeans everywhere you go. Oh, I like the sound of this. Am I quite svelte?

No. Oh. I like the sound of this considerably less. I'm so sorry. You are your proper size. Does the program What Not to Wear exist in this scenario? That tells people where clothes that fit. With the eight-sided mirror? Yes. Yes, it does exist. And so I do not heed the advice of What Not to Wear. You were not allowed on it because you had a fight with the producer. Oh, I see. Yes. Were we friends? You were the best of friends. And now...

And now Dr. Doolittle has come and really created a rift between you two. In this scenario as well? In this scenario, Dr. Doolittle as well. Curse that dementia-hopping charlatan. So the pockets, not much room in these skinny jeans. Not a lot of room, but enough room for about eight pennies.

I see. Eight pennies per pocket. But you can keep refilling them. As soon as you empty your pocket, eight more will magically appear. Eight PPP. Oh, I have a perhaps peyote-infused question. Sure, let's hear it.

Do pennies in this reality weigh as much as they do in our current reality? Excellent. No, they do not. They are considerably heavier. As I feared, the density of these pennies is perhaps too much for a human body to bear. Yes, you are constantly having to crawl everywhere you go because the pennies are so heavy. In addition to my presumed palm and knee issues, do I also have back problems? You have no back problems. Oh. Uh...

That is the one good thing about this scenario. Oh, I see. Yes, you have an entirely clear back. Oh, that's jolly good. Yes, so if you have back problems where you are right now, maybe that appeals to you. You have knee problems since you're crawling. Incredible knee problems. Oh. This is why I presumed them vigor. That would be the downside, yes. Yes. Any other questions before I close the floor? And let me just remind you. Oh, that was a warning! What? Was that a warning? I think that was a warning. I don't think that that constitutes as a warning. The chandelier is getting a bit shaky up there. Oh, no. Oh, no.

All right. Any more questions? No. I have a question. Yes, sir. You've made a liar of me. By the compact of any more questions, you are required to say, I have a question. Indeed. Oh, I wish I could fight it. Yes. Dr. Doolittle. Yes. Was a merry old soul. And a merry old soul was he. Certainly. No further questions.

All right. All right. I'm about to close the floor for questions. I may do it very soon. I might do it right about now. I've closed the floor for questions. And as I said, there was no warning. I've got one more question.

Oh, a classic would-you-rather blunder. But go ahead. I would like to hear it. Unprecedented. I was just testing your verisimilitude. No, no, no, no, no. I want to hear this question. No, I will have to dock you points. That was a ruse, Scott. I will have to dock you ruse points. Okay, all right. We all know that there are ruse points. Okay. Yes, everyone knows this. What color are the pants? Mustard yellow. Okay. All right, I've closed the floor for questions. Here we go. We're going to vote now.

In your minds, figure out exactly how you're going to vote. Have you mulled over it enough to vote? Like a strong wine. Like a strong wine. You'd know about that more than anyone.

Here we go. All right. Al, how do you like to vote? I like to vote correctly because I do not want to give the incorrect answer. Very good. And I believe the correct answer would be the sarcastic animals because I see no pro side to the penny scenario. The rich? The wealth? Yeah.

You know, it just wouldn't be worth it. You know, life is short and I don't want to be crawling around on my knees when I have knee problems already, for crying out loud, when I have to wear mustard yellow pants that are skinny jeans. And then if I want to buy a magazine at 7-Eleven, I have to pay eight pennies at a time. Be there all day. So I think I enjoy... You'd also have to find like a coin collector all the time and have them on speed dial. There is no upside to this. Plus with so many of those, that particular penny...

I mean, it's worth so much because there are so few of them. But they were minted in Saskatchewan. And now there would be so many of them because the more you use them, the more you're creating them. The more you use them, you're- They just become worthless. Exactly. Over time. Yeah. And I think I would come to appreciate sarcastic animals. I think I would enjoy understanding what animals said. Especially one that talked like Roseanne, like, hey, ow.

Yeah, and, you know, I don't think they'd be hateful. I think, you know, I enjoy a little self-deprecation, you know, so I'd be okay with that. I would be fine with some mercilessly sarcastic animals. All right. Well, you wanted to vote correctly. We'll see if you did. Lord Weber, how do you like to vote? I vote for the penny scenario. What? Yes. Why? Out of contrariness. All right. Very good. All right. Let's tally up the points. Al, you wanted to vote correctly, and let me be honest with you.

You said, I would like to vote correctly, and if you had stopped there, I would have awarded you all those points. I wondered about that! I would have! Unfortunately, you then carried on and you voted incorrectly. I just went on and on and on. I should have left it nebulous. Comedy is brevity. I try to be brief.

So, so sorry. You can edit everything else out, though. No, I'm afraid we don't edit anything in the show. Yes, that's certainly true. Al Y. Call me Al Y. Al Y, you have lost. Al W., you are the winner. Congratulations. That's, of course, how we play Would You Rather. As it should be. Now, we may talk all we like over the closing theme. Yes, of course. Yes, yes. It's a new year, new rules. Just like Bill Maher. New rules. New rules.

No more of these types of people doing that sort of thing. Yes. You do that very well. Thank you. All right. All right, guys. We're at the end of the show, practically. The only thing left to do is a little something we call plugs. Plugs. Plugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your plugs on.

Plugs for comedy, bye. Time to fucking... Hmm, interesting plugs name as a musician now. It's beautiful. I was lulled. Yeah, what did you think of using that F word? That's like something from the 90s. Oh, I'm so glad they fit it in before the end. The song was almost over and I was thinking, where's the cursing?

That is Gnarls Darwin. I think I get it. Do you get it? Now, Al, as a parodist, what do you think of that? Love it! All right, good. It's a parody of a parody. It is. Is that allowed? Gnarls Barkley is a parody of Charles Barkley. And this is a parody of Gnarls Charles Darwin. I say, here's my parody of it, based on the situation comedy Bewitched. Gnarls Durwood.

I love it. Right? Yes. Prince Gnarls. It doesn't really work. It doesn't work at all. All right. Well, that plug bag is open. So, Al, what do you like to plug here? Oh.

Well, I'm working on my Burt Convey tribute album. The host of Card Sharks? Yes, yes. Not many people remember him, but I'm trying to keep his memory alive. I'm doing my four CD set. It's sort of like a rock opera, a popera, if you will. More pop than rock. The Convey Convoy. The Convey Convoy. Is one disc devoted solely to tattletales? You know, it's funny you mentioned Convoy. My follow-up is going to be an album with all different versions of the song Convoy. Hmm.

B.J. McCall. Oh, B.J. McCall song. Great. Yes. Kids love this segment, by the way. The plug segment because they get to hear the modern references. They do. They wait all show to hear things like this. And Convoy 2013. And

And new record coming at some point, and you're playing Bonnaroo. Go to the record store right now and wait for it. I'm still writing it, but eventually, you can sit by, keep refreshing Amazon if you don't want to go to the record store. Just keep doing it every five, ten seconds. Sure. Eventually, there'll be an album there. Fantastic.

And any other plans for the rest of the year? You're going to be on tour this summer. Oh, summer. Or just Bonnaroo. I've got a children's book coming out on June 25th called My New Teacher and Me, which is available for pre-order right now on Amazon. Is that a sequel to the last one you did? In a way. Well, a sequel, I think my first one was called, what was it called? When I Grow Up. So a sequel would be called When I Grow Up.

Again, which I couldn't do that. So it's not a sequel in the most strict sense. But is it the same child? Same child, same characters, same setting. So it feels like a continuation. It's like The Hangover 2. Yes, very much like that. In fact, my book was inspired by The Hangover 2. It has a little Zach Galifianakis character running throughout. What you could do is write a sequel to that book entitled Now That I've Grown Up and then keep it hidden away in a vault until those children who have read the original book have grown up. Yes, and be like the Michael Apted of children's books.

Indeed. Every seven years. Every seven years. Now that I am continuing to grow. Yes. Still growing. Still grow in with the apostrophe. All done. All done. I'm dead. All done.

Picture of a grave on the front. I love it. All right. Lord Weber, what do you like to plug? Scott, as unorthodox as this may seem. Scottrick, please. Scottrick, I do apologize. I feel I know you well enough now to call you Scott, as other people do. It feels fun. As unorthodox as this may seem, I would like to yield my plug time to someone else. This has never happened before. I would like to promote something that is happening in my hometown of England. What?

What? Okay. April 2nd through the 13th, a very funny comedian, stand-up variety, named Paul F. Tompkins will be appearing at the Soho Theater. Paul effing Tompkins. Please. I understand your lingo better than you think. That's something very unsavory that you're saying.

Paul F. Tompkins. F. Tompkins. Tompkins with an H? How dare you know? Oh, sorry. It should be with an H, but it's not. I don't know what he's playing at. But yes, Soho Theatre, April 2nd through the 13th. 2nd through the 13th. And there is no better night at the theatre than...

There's no better night at the theater than seeing stand-up comedy. And take it from me, Andrew Lloyd Webber. Who would know about the theater? I think I know a thing or two about the theater, darling. So April 2 through 13 at the Old Globe Theater. Yes, 2nd April through 13th April, as we say. Yes, at the Old Globe. Year of Our Lord 2013. Fantastic. And are your plugs done?

This concludes my plans. All right. I would like to say, hey, come out and see me at South by Southwest. I'll be doing some very special shows. Reggie Watts and I will be doing a show along with James Adomian. We'll be doing a very special show at the IFC house on the Saturday, the first Saturday at South by Southwest. And then I'll be doing a live podcast there on Sunday and also a stand-up showcase on Monday. So come out and see me. And that's all I have to plug. So the plug bag now, let's close it up.

Here we go. Weird Al Remix.

Love it. All right. Guys, we did it. We certainly did. We did. This is an extra long one for people. If not us, then who? If not now, then when? Where forth follows the followees? Thenceforth shall it be known forevermore and now and until the end of times. This has been done by us, I say. I do want to say, I forgot this during the plugs.

Matthew Blanchett, thank you so much for donating $100 to CBB. Matthew Blanchett, you got a special plug outside of the plugs. How about that? Thank you for sounding like a thing that is useful in contacting the spirits from beyond when using the Ouija board. All right, guys. Al, always a pleasure to see you. Did I say pletter? Pletter. It's a pleasure to see you. I pledge that it is a pleasure to see you. I'm wearing pleather pants, so that was confusing, I know. That's right. I wanted to sort of honor those. Always a plether to see you.

And Lord Webber, come back anytime. I will. Uh-oh. You got a maniacal look on your face. And you covered half of your face again. Oh, Skulltrick, you've done it this time. I will come back anytime I like. Oh, we'll see you next week. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Is hot sleep keeping you awake? The Tempur-Pedic Breeze Mattress pulls heat away from your body to help you sleep cool. Shop our Labor Day Sale and save up to $700 on select adjustable mattress sets only at Tempur-Pedic.com.

Hey, this is Jeff Lewis from Radio Andy. Live and uncensored, catch me talking with my friends about my latest obsessions, relationship issues, and bodily ailments. With that kind of drama that seems to follow me, you never know what's going to happen. You can listen to Jeff Lewis Live at home or anywhere you are. Download the SiriusXM app for over 425 channels of ad-free music, sports, entertainment, and more. Subscribe now and get three months free. Offer details apply.

Every sandwich has bread, every burger has a bun, but these warm, golden, smooth, steamed buns? These are special. Reserved for the very best. The Filet-O-Fish. And you. You can have them too.

Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.