Bonus Bang: Jason Mantzoukas, Jon Gabrus, Paul F. Tompkins (Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber)
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Hey, everyone. This is Scott Aukerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang, and we are back with another bonus bang episode. Bonus bangs are, of course, of course, we all know.

They are prior episodes that we've recorded that we're releasing from behind the paywall. And we are in the middle of a series right now called The Essential Andrew Lloyd Webber, featuring Paul F. Tompkins as Andrew Lloyd Webber. And this is an episode. It's episode number 484. It's called Pre-Chowder. Pre-Chowder. And this features Jason Manzoukas, our good friend there.

the Zooks, Jeffrey Character Wheaties. It has John Gabrus as Gino, and it has Paul F. Tompkins, of course, as Andrew Lloyd Webber. This is a classic episode. You're going to enjoy hearing it. And of course, if you like what you hear and want to hear the entire CBB archive,

You can become a subscriber at CBBWorld.com where you can find every single episode we've recorded as well as all of the live episodes that we've recorded. We're going to be back next week with a new episode of CBB. Until then, enjoy this bonus bang.

Come and see Pang Pang

In Soviet Russia, Nong Hayes Yu. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Hey! Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang for another edition. Thank you to Colfax McLiverneck for that wonderful catchphrase submission. Colfax McLiverneck, starting to be a catchphrase superstar. Oh, really? Reserved only for a seldom few. Do you go to the same people often? Well, you know what? I go to whatever. I don't look at the person.

Before I decide. Oh, you don't look at the name? No, I don't look at the name. I decide on it, and then I say, oh, that's a good one. And then I look at the name, and I say, oh, it's by that person who's been doing it a lot. Is there somebody who by far has the most? Is there competition amongst the listeners? By far sounds like Klinger's autobiography. Anyway, I think.

I think moving on from this discussion, what we need to do is introduce ourselves. I am Scott Aukerman, your wonderful, wonderful host. Been hosting this for nigh upon eight years. Honestly, our anniversary coming right up. Eight-year anniversary. Can you believe it? Congratulations. Thank you so much. I am Jason Manzoukas, co-host for the last four years, I'd say. In a random spotty...

Amount of episodes, certainly. But official co-host and a future host of the show. Possibly. I mean, and Jason Manzoukas, we all know from How Did This Get Made, and he plays Rafi or something. That's true. Who do you play? I play Ralphie on the – Ralphie. King Ralph. I play King Ralph in the King Ralph prequel series. Pre-cum series. What? What?

Nobody enjoyed that more than you. Look at you. Your face is red. You are having a blast. I have to be honest with you. I'm contorting my mouth a certain way because you may have noticed this thing on my lip. My breakfast exploded in my face five days ago. I had a – it said – the thing said egg and bacon muffin. Okay.

Okay. Just like a regular muffin. I heat it up in the microwave. This is in your home? This is in my home. Okay. I bite into it. I hear a loud pop. Oh, no. It explodes on my face, burning my face. Really? Yes. I didn't even notice. Okay. So in any case, so my words are coming out a little bit differently because it's on the tail end of being healed. Wow.

Check it out. Do you see it? I don't. I don't want Kevin to creep in here and take any pictures of this. Okay. By the way, I know what he's into. Anyway. Creepy mouth wound. Creepy mouth wound tumblers. Um...

Wow. Can we take that whole breakfast thing again real quick? Oh, no. Are we not rolling? I'm not positive. I was just unplugging and plugging in some stuff over here. I hope you're not positive. Why? Oh, I'm positive for three things, but not the big ones. Don't worry. None of the ones that start with H. Oh, okay. Okay.

Gino, our intern, he's here with us today. I'm so excited. Thanks for having me. I rarely ever get to meet Mr. Zooks over here. Yeah, I know. You haven't been on the show with Zooks. Christmas, holiday episode. Was that the only one? Yes, and maybe some stuff behind the paywall. Maybe if you are a Howl Premium subscriber. If you got the loot, maybe I heard it before. This one's for you free schmucks.

Open up your fucking pockets. Come on. Come on. What is it? A measly $1,400 a month?

Worth it. Look, if you would show up more often, you would do them with Zooks over here. You're supposed to be here every single episode, Gino. Yeah, well, there's something we need to talk about about that because I just did my taxes. Okay. And my expenses are through the roof. Yes! My gas expenses are through the roof. My accountant's like, how many times do you drive across the country? Well, the commute has got to be killing you. It's killing me. The bridge.

To get from fucking Nassau County just to get on the I-95 is brutal. You signed up for this. You're the one who asked for the job. We gave it to you based upon your qualifications. We have no other interns other than you. Wampler has been MIA for years now. Yeah, I worry about her. I don't know what is happening with her. She seems to have disappeared. Yeah, she might have gotten, what's it called, where you reconstruct your body from a pear into a more human shape? Oh.

I feel like she was doing one of those where they put you in a tube and like melt certain parts of you and stuff like that. Do they put you in like a cylindrical tube? Yeah. It's like a big, long tube. You think she's a tube person? You think they would like have little sort of domes for the boobs. So those could grow out. I didn't even think of that. Tube domes. Ooh, check out the tube domes on that broad. That's, you know, where the expression boob tube came from. You're telling me if I don't know that, I don't know that.

Gino Lombardo? Yes, that is correct. Gino Vanni, I believe. Gino Vanni, yes. Gino is short for Gino Vanni. Gino Vanni, yeah. That's what they cut it at Ellis Island. Oh, did you go through Ellis Island? Yeah, on a field trip in fourth grade. And they changed your name. Yeah, and they were like, hi, I'm Gino Vanni. They're like, it's Gino. Welcome to America. And shoved me down the fucking, they shoved me down the entire flight of stairs in the torch. Really? Yeah. That is quite a few steps. Oh, it was a lot. Wow.

You're from Long Island and you commute out here. I'm just catching Jason up on all this. Oh, I'm familiar. Of course. I know Gina just from, you know, he's around as an intern. Sure. Some episodes you are here and you're not even on mic. I know. Well, I'm talking the whole time, but you don't let me sit at the table. Right. Which is fair. A lot of people don't know that. You're here a lot. It's like how Reggie Watts used to sing the Comedy Bang Bang theme song live. Right. Right.

And then have to run out every time. Yeah, you're here a lot. Yeah, I'm here a lot. Obviously, I'm working. I'm not just a Comedy Bang Bang intern. I'm an Earwolf intern. Sure. So I'm doing a lot of stuff. Yeah. You guys got me out on the corner of Sunset selling socks, selling Who charted socks. Kool-Aid socks. Yeah.

And what do you do for Katie Couric? Anything? She doesn't need any help because I'm always in there and she just makes me do stuff like take my shirt off and spin around in a circle for her. Interesting. Yeah, kind of eyeball me and stuff. I think she's into like skinny boots. She's into super, yeah. Speaking of a tube, by the way, you look like you've been through. Yeah, a lot of people call me Johnny Pipe Cleaners and I'm like, my name's Gino and they're like, it just works better if you say Johnny first. And I'm like, well, Gino Pipe Cleaners work. Well,

Let's not get into the semantical argument I have with my bagel guy. Your bagel guy. He's the guy. Ronnie at Bagel Town Cafe, this motherfucker, is in your grill when you're trying to say scooped out with chicken salad. He's like, scoop it out. Come on, you weigh nothing. I'm like, I don't need carbs. I'm looking for protein. You know, we don't have to get into it. Are you paleo? I'm going full paleo, yeah. I eat honey exclusively out of beehives now. And that's...

It's killing me. It's like Winnie the Pooh style. That explains a lot of that. Yeah, my face is pretty, I'm pretty Rocky Dennis-ed up over here. Have you ever gotten stuck in like a hole like Winnie the Pooh did? Trying to get some honey? Stuck in a hole? Wasn't he famously stuck in a honey pot? Oh, was it a honey pot? I forget. He was like... Because there's not a lot of honey in holes. I thought that he went into a hole. If you know what I mean.

Come on. You're looking. Hang on. You're checking all rogue holds for honey? I'm like, I'm in there just playing a little game I like to call find the honey. I thought he got stuck in like he was trying to get a honey pot. I don't know. I think that too. Yeah, I'm sure. The guy gets stuck in everything. He was dumb. Winnie the Pooh was dumb. Is that also why you're only wearing a top and no pants? Yes. You're going full Winnie the Pooh? I'm pretty sure paleo means you live as Winnie the Pooh lived.

I'm going full Pooleo. I'm hanging around with a nine-year-old boy named Christopher. A lot of weird looks. I think that's appropriate. And a donkey and a tiger. I have such a long, thin dick that not a lot of people even see it. Yeah, it's almost like two-dimensional. It's like fruit by the foot. Do you feel like your dick is bigger in circumference than a pencil?

Yeah, when erect, yes. When soft, no. It's very Twizzlers. We want to welcome our female listeners. Welcome back. What's up, sweethearts? Whip them out. Get your rat out. Talking dicks.

By the way, Jason, getting a lot of requests for the first episode of Talkin' Tang. Oh, it's on its way. Don't you worry. It's on its way? What's happening? It's on its way. Don't you worry, listeners. Is that why you have astronauts come on to talk about drinks? Yep. Yes. About the drinks they drink in space. We just lost one, by the way. Oh, did we? Yeah. Didn't we lose an astronaut recently, about a month ago or six weeks ago? They found him. Oh, yeah. Where was he? He was just in the new planet. On that new planet? Yeah.

They were looking in the wrong sphere. Yep, yep, yep. They were looking in Atmos. Yeah, and I'm like, sorry, better check Tropo. Yeah, talking tank, dripping milk. Talking tank. Oh, yeah. Guys, guys.

I'm still asking. I want more images. Yeah. How are people supposed to send them to you? You're not on Twitter, my dear boy. Just send them to at Scott Aukerman. No, thank you. I don't want any of your weird. The dirtier and the more sexually explicit, the better. Please don't turn my feed into. Just send them right to Scotty Ox. Oh, God, please no.

And what is the podcast going to be about? You're going to talk about your sexual experiences? Yeah, I think it's just me, you know, talking. Will you name names? Yeah, I'll name names, yeah. Is this like Guys We Fucked or whatever? Yep, there's going to be a segment called Smell My Finger. Love it. Yep. It's going to be pretty exciting. Let me know if you need a guy to just talk instead of doing any work on the podcast. Well, I'll definitely need you to be manning the boards. Oh, yeah, I'll be on the boards. How are those boards, by the way? What's going on with them right now? Hot, very hot. Like literally?

Physically hot? I spilled two full coffees on them. Oh, no. Two venti hot espressos. Why are you getting two venti espressos? Because I got a lot of work to do today, all right? I got to go over to Yo, Is This Racist after this and clean up some sort of mess they made in there. What kind of mess would Yo, Is This Racist make? I don't know, but it sounds racist. Yeah. Like I'm in problematic territory even just talking about a podcast like that. Yeah.

You know, the culture now, it's just landmine after landmine. You've got to be careful where you're going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, that's, it's a lot like going to Laos. Just, you know, you got to be careful upon where you tread.

I know exactly what you're referencing because I also saw that on social media today. I know. They have a lot of landmines there. Unexplained ordnance. The U.S. dropped a lot of bombs there, left them there. Got it. Not cool. No bueno, which is not Laotian. I understand. Yeah. Thank you. And have you ever been to Long Island, Jason? I have, yes. I don't think I've ever actually stepped foot there. Oh, I've been to Long Island. I lived in New York for a long time, so there's plenty of Long Island action. What would you do there?

I don't know. I mean, mostly, truthfully, I really only went to the Hamptons-y kind of area of it. Montauk, Hamptons. That's a good vacation spot. I grew up going to Ditch Plains, which is a little beach on Montauk. Nice. But now it's all fucking rich white people fucking it up for the rest of us. Before it used to be poor white people? Yes, at least it was poor white people. You can go down to Gossman's Dock and get a nice fish fry for $7. Ooh, that's not bad. Yeah, now these motherfuckers are in there turning everything into one oak.

10 Oak? I have no idea. I think it's 1 Oak. I think it's 1 Oak, but it looks like 10. Yeah, well, because of the O in Oak. Ah,

Ah, that's an O and O. Maybe it's 10-ak. Yeah, exactly. 10-ak is like a terrorist thing. Oh, boy. Insurgents. Yeah, let's stay away from that. Yeah, please. Not again. That's why I'm staying away from One Oak. I'm on a handful of watch lists. I don't need to be on any more. Really? Yeah, I got to stop going on Reddit. You're saying just a lot of stuff on Reddit, unhinged? Yeah, I'm just out there. I'm scared of this pizza thing.

Wait, which pizza gate? The thing where if you eat a pizza, you get accused of pedophilia or something like that? Well, I don't think you've understood it correctly. No? Is that not what pizza gate is? But considering who you're hanging around with, I think you should be accused. Good old Christopher Robin. I think if it's you and some nine-year-old kid getting pizza, that's actually a bigger problem. That's the problem. Is that what I'm getting at? That's not pizza gate. Oh, okay. Because I've been screaming, call me at me, bro. Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, no. Gino, do you have any political leanings? I mean, I don't know. Oh, yeah. It's a legit pendulum. I vacillate rapidly, oscillate and vacillate back and forth between huge – Oscillate wildly. Yeah. We all know Morrissey's Oscar Wilde tribute. Oh, please. We all do, especially us 27-year-old Billy Joel heads.

What's your favorite Billy Joel song of all time, would you say? My favorite Billy Joel song of all time is hands down, Downeaster Alexa. Okay. Well, hands down, Easter Alexa. And what is your favorite Billy Joel song, not of all time, but from Downeaster Alexa on?

Um, pool, I don't know. All the way, so just break it down. From Downeaster Alexa to the present. Or wait, what is your least favorite? Um, River of Dreams. Rank them all now. In the middle of the night. That song is terrible. I'm a-walkin'.

I like it. I love that song. So that's your least favorite of all time, but you love it. But I still love it because that's Billy Joel, baby. So you're just measuring out a gradient that is love to love. Yeah, it's from love to mega love. Yeah, and I'm mega love with Down East or Alexa and when the lights go out on Broadway and moving on. Oh, yeah, 2017. This is this year. Holy shit. Did you go to Miami, by the way, for New Year's Eve to see Billy Joel play it?

I did not. No, I can't get down to Miami. My car has got a shit ton of miles on it from driving back and forth. From here to drive? I drive. Now I'm in a Honda Civic. Oh, great. Yeah, but I got NOS in it. I got nitrogen in it. Sure, you got those injectors? Trying to get there as fast as possible, yeah. Because I live my life one quarter mile at a time. Oh, certainly. Is family the most important thing to you?

Family. Yeah, I love family. Did you see that movie, by the way, that just came out? The new Furious movie? Fate of the Furious? It has not come out yet. Yes, it has. It has, because today is April 24th. Oh, son of a bitch. Jesus Christ. I knew it. I told you I wouldn't do it. I told you I would forget. You don't remember? Just four days ago, we were all super stoned celebrating Hitler's birthday. Yeah.

And we covered it on How Did This Get Made? How Did I Forget That? Right. Of course. And you can hear that. A now famous episode. Yeah, yeah. Infamous, we should say. I wish I would have interned. Who was on that one? Adam Scott. Oh, okay. Yep. Love it. From Torque. Yes, exactly. Do you mean Adam Quadrero? No.

Was that his name? He was going to change his name to that when he got into show business. No. Yeah. He was considering changing his name to Adam Quadrero. Oh, my God. To try to go ethnic? That's smart in 2017. That's genius. This is in the 90s. Oh, Jesus. No, that's a bad idea. That was still white privilege back then. And he changed it to Scott?

instead? I think his name actually is Adam Scott. Maybe. I don't even know. I think you're speaking out of turn. I don't think this guy needs his aliases ratted out on live on whatever this radio station is. Sorry, yeah. Is this raw dog comedy? Is he on the knock list? No.

He's on the knock list from fucking Mission Impossible? Yeah. From real life. Oh, is it a real list? Yes. Oh, okay. I thought only Ethan Hunt was seeking that list out. Toast. Toast. Remember when Ving Rhames said toast? Would it be weird if like- That's my favorite part of any movie. Really? Of every movie total is when Ving Rhames says toast. Love it. He says it like three times. It's really good. Rule of threes. Rule of threes.

Wouldn't it be funny if in the next Mission Impossible film, Ethan Hunt introduced his brother Mike and was like, this is my brother Mike. And just without comment, no one ever followed up. And Gene Renoir is like, Mike Hunt? And he holds up a cunt in a jar and he's like, no, I was referring to this. Mike Hunt. Mike Hunt. Not you, Mike Hunt. Anyway, welcome back, ladies.

Pre-cum. Hey, sorry I had a weird breakfast. Now I say pre-cum randomly. I'm worried that if you just came into the room or into this podcast, you won't know what we're talking about. Welcome to the room. Welcome to the room that is this podcast. Are you a big Hamilhead?

No, I'm so tired of Lin-Manuel Miranda. Oh, really? But you're a big Hamlin head, right? He's a nerd. Is he a theater geek, but we all call him like a hip-hop superstar? Wait, what is your problem with nerds? I love it. Or with theater geek? I think it's my problem is with the cultural appropriation of 50-year-old white rich people in New York City now thinking they know hip-hop because they saw Hamilton. Well, wait a minute. You were on the first episode of Musical, Theater. I'm a huge theater nut.

Semicolon, semicolon. Oh, okay, no, yeah. I was about to say, I didn't do the colon. Oh, yeah.

I was like, is ALW doing other ones without me? That's bullshit. His spinoff podcast. He spun off a spinoff podcast. A mediumly successful podcast. And I know just you, Gino, feel this way. Right, me, Gino, feel this way. Because of the way you grew up. Because of the way I grew up, I'm closed-minded, and I think a lot of things are bullshit, especially if they're very successful. Yeah, we strongly disagree, obviously, Jason and I.

We really enjoyed Hamilton. Yeah. And support Lin-Manuel Miranda. I've seen it 20 times and I still don't get it. You've seen it 20 times? I still don't get it. How do you keep getting tickets? How do you get in? I'm always out to... You're in the lottery? Well, I could split a seat with someone because I'm so thin. Oh, I see. So often I'll stand outside when the skinniest person's coming out. I'll be like, hey, do you mind splitting a seat? I'll give you a half.

the money. So it's sort of like asking someone to buy you beer when you're outside a liquor store? It's like asking for a swipe at the train station. If someone's got that unlimited card, you're getting a free ride, bro. I can't fucking wait. I think you're referring to Hey Mister, which is a little game we used to play in my high school where you stand outside of 7-Eleven, outside of Sev's, if you will, and you go, Hey Mister, would you like to buy us some beer? How many times have you done that in your life? 40. How often was it successful? 40.

I've done it twice and it was successful both times. Really? I straight up, this is going to sound like I'm talking about a deleted scene from Superbad, but a friend of mine who owned his family owned a pizzeria. Your whole life, by the way, seems like deleted scenes from Superbad. By the way, that's a show you should do. It should be. Any scene I would be in Superbad should have been deleted because it's too offensive. Right. But go on. Okay.

someone hey mistered a guy who was formerly a high school Spanish teacher currently the middle school principal oh it was like hey mister and we were like literally in the background going no x day and asked Mr. G who was the elementary

G-E-E? No, Mr. Giordano. But they called him Mr. G. Oh, okay. And he was a- I should call you Mr. G, by the way. I would love that, but you can call me Mr. L because my name is Mr. Lopardo. Why not? Because of Gino. Oh, because of Gino. Oh, right. You dumb shit. Remember your name? You don't call someone Mr. G the initial of their first name. Unless they're like an Asian character from like a 50s movie. I get it. Sorry, Mr. Scott. You know, they say stuff like that. Yeah.

So go on. The story certainly doesn't end there. Oh, well, it did, but I can tag something real quick. Mr. G goes, I'm sorry, Michael, but you might not remember me, but I taught at your high school last year. He's like,

And I'm calling your parents. Oh, no. And then he said he wouldn't if we laughed and all that, but we had to like. If you laughed? If we laughed. And we all. It's like a joke. Robert Durst the jinx. I meant to say left, but we also had to laugh. He made us laugh. He tickled all of us. He's like, I'm going to call your parents unless you hear my stand up and laugh. Yeah. And then he did like 45 minutes. He did 45 minutes and 15 of it was on like how uncomfortable flights are. And we're like, we get it. And the rest is crowd work. You fly a lot.

He read a lot of jokes from his Twitter feed and they were all like, at Delta. He was on Twitter? Oh, yeah. When was this? This was the early to mid 2000s. Well, yeah, you're only 20. I was only in high school. And I was in high school until I was 21. Yeah, that's right. Yeah, because I kept red shirting so I could try to play volleyball. Yeah, and they wouldn't hold you back, right? They added grades for you? Yeah, they added grades. I was in 15th grade when I graduated. Right, yeah.

What did they call it? I know we have, you know, freshman, sophomore, junior, senior. It was Magna Cum Senior. Magna Pre-Cum Senior. Oh! Hey! Hello, threes! Calling it back. Yeah, that's right. Scotty Hawk's getting that pre-cum in there. Come on.

Come on, that pre-cum. Okay, we're all hooked up now. We're ready to record. Okay, we're ready to go. Wait, we haven't been recording? No, so we could just, whenever you're ready, do the whole thing. Okay, well, hopefully we have a secondary recording because I thought some of that was good. We'll try to put it out. But we do have to take a break. Oh, thank God. I'm exhausted. You've been

pacing around the room, by the way. I know. I'm making sure all these mics work. All of these mics. We need to take a break. Jason, can you stick around or do you have to leave? Of course I can stick around. I'm the co-host of this goddamn show. The whole thing will fall apart if I leave. Don't ask God to damn this show.

Ouch. Live wire. Yeah. God loves this show, and he loves you, Jason. Is he mad at you? That's why he sent an egg sandwich to explode on your face. Oh, my God. An egg-surgency. All right. We need to take a break. When we come back. I egg-dee. What? An improvised egg-splosive device. Okay.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here. Gino Lombardo is here. I'm done talking, but I'm here now. Okay, you're done talking? Yeah. You don't need to introduce him like he's a guest. He's just running the boards. Yeah. Okay. Well, you know, I like to be polite and always introduce whomever is engineering. Really? When you come back from break? Engineer Cody Sam is here. He's actually, like, literally pressing the buttons and stuff. When you say you're running the boards, what are you doing? I'm all about that treble, no bass. Okay, you're the anti- Very. Meghan McCain? Is that her name? Yeah, well.

What if Megan McCain... You know Gino's got a sickness for the thickness. Oh, I...

You like things that are opposite of you? Oh, yeah. I love a nice thick woman. Oh, is that – yeah, that's your type? Oh, that's my type. Because you're such a skinny pencil kind of guy? Don't say to a woman that you like her because she's thick, though. They don't like to be called thick. Really? At least not yet. It's coming back, though. I mean, back during the Renaissance, that was how – that was our standards of attractiveness were – Of course. Because it showed that they were rich. Symbolized wealth and – Yeah. Yeah. But they had access to all that –

Luxurious food. Plus they probably have cheese. They have them big floppies. Oh, yeah. Those big hangers. Them heavy hangers. These big natties. Okay. Welcome back. This is your fault. You know who you're sitting across from. You started it with pre-cum. You're talking to Talking Tang and the most bisexual intern you have. I apologize greatly. Are you still on Ashley Madison?

I am still on Ashley Madison. You're not married. What are you doing on there? Well, I'm looking to wreck homes. Looking to just get in there and destroy some people's lives. I have a very specific fetish where I like to be fucking someone and have them accidentally call me their partner's name. It's very difficult to arrange. Is this due to your home life growing up with your different dads and all that? Growing up in just a home, in a broken home, uh,

And your home is literally broken. Yeah, it is. Like physically broken in half. Lightning struck the middle and it opened up and now I live in a giant V where you have to leap across a chasm to get from my bedroom to the bathroom. Chasm. Chasm. That's how you say it in Long Island. Oh yeah, it's a chasm. You get it. It's a schism or a chasm.

And we have another guest on the show. This is a unique opportunity. I believe the two of you know each other, actually, Junior. So you can continue to talk during this segment if you like. Okay, that's fine. We know each other. I won't talk because, you know, I'm an intern, but we'll see. Right. The aforementioned podcast, Musical Semicolon Comedy. Musical Semicolon Theater. Theater, sorry. Although that's a good spinoff, too. Musical Semicolon Comedy. Stop giving them ideas that don't feature me. How do you know this one?

can feature you. Oh, that's fair. It could. I don't know much about comedy. Do you need to yawn directly into the microphone? I thought I was going to and then I didn't. Oh, it's contagious.

Those are contagious. My sincerest apologies. Oh, my God. Oh, boy. He sincerely apologized. Come to some fucking slack. He is the host of that podcast, which I just mentioned. That's what he's most famous for. And nothing else. And he had a birthday about a month ago as well. He shares a birthday with Stephen Sondheim. And the aforementioned Lin-Manuel Miranda was celebrating it on Twitter as well.

Oh, I got to check it out. Yeah. So please welcome Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. Yay! Yes, hello. Hello. Skoltric. Yes. Why did you have to mention Stephen Sondheim? Well, I just find it interesting you are –

both very accomplished in your certain field of work, and you share a birthday. Yes, one rightfully so accomplished, the other accidentally. Just because we share a birthday doesn't mean you have to bring it up at every last turn. I'm so sorry, but I just wonder if there's anything about March 22, 322, that lends itself... Do you mean 22-3? Sorry, sorry, yes, of course. That lends itself to being good at the art of musical...

Semicolon theater. Well, let's see. You have two examples of people who've gone into the theatrical arts. One very good. One considered good by some. So I would say the jury's still out, dear boy. Which are you? Which is which? How dare you? Which one's a lord is what I would say. Hey, hey, hey. Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber, please put away your sword. I don't know which. Well, why do they give me the blaster thing? Yeah.

I cannot hear myself at all. Oh, is that true? I can hear everyone but me. Well, that's very odd. Why don't you... I turn the volume up and there's me. Perhaps you could switch channels or... Perhaps you could switch channels. I'm sorry. Interesting. Also, where I come from, we say switching channels. British.

Is that like the chasm-chasm? Yeah, I should have said, Long Island. After I said chasm. By the way, you're running the boards. Why aren't you helping him with his... Yeah, figure it out. What do you want? Why aren't you helping me? Do you want to hear it in your ears, you said? Genus effect, please. All right. Are you for real good, though? I don't want to fuck with you. Does someone need to fuck with this? Do you want me to actually try? Everyone...

Quite clearly, but I feel as if I'm... Check. But I hear myself. Check. One, two, check. We hear you clearly. Oh, yeah? You sound great. I feel as if I'm... Do people listen to this show for basic mic checks? I think, do people listen to this show, question mark. Yeah. Semicolon. That's very good. Thank you. Now, we haven't seen each other in quite some time. I don't think... I don't know that we've ever met. It's...

I do believe we have met in the past. Maybe in a big one. Maybe in a group. You may have met someone dressed up like me who wasn't me. Oh, really? Oh, wait a minute. Do you mean the janitor? Yes, that janitor. That custodian. Yes, what was his deal again? He impersonated me. Mike the janitor. I was hit on the head by a chunk of masonry. This fellow, he put on my topping hat and my urban cape and my medal.

The cheek of it. The very idea. The cheek of it. He has a fascinating life. He's a full life swap with someone else. Full life swap, wife swap. And impersonating you. Like he can't live his own life. I would say the life swap part would be the most important thing. I think the impersonating you. I beg to differ. Yeah, he swapped his life with a professor. Who could care? We haven't heard from him in a while. Good. Good.

And of course you know Genovani over here. Genozovac, what a pleasure to see you again. Good to see you, Andy. Have you guys not seen each other since your show Musical Semicolon Theater, which you can hear on the Howl app? It's been quite a while. We haven't gotten around to recording episode two yet. That's right. What did you discuss on episode one again?

We answered musical theater questions from Twitter is what I remember. People, are you familiar with the social networking platform Twitter? Yes, of course. It's where I get my... Oh, I'm so sorry. Yes, of course, he says. It's where you go to get notes on each episode, right? Right. Yes, continue, Twitter. Well, we took questions from Twitter. It was like a Twitter Q&A?

And then we were answering them live right on the air. Recorded. I get it. I'll be downloadable at a later date. Okay. And it was successful. Very. So you didn't do it again. I'm not positive. My guess is no. People not clamoring for episode two? It feels as if we did that one.

million years ago. I agree. I remember very little about it. I remember, the one thing I do remember is that it was fun. I don't remember if I was the only one having fun. I remember listening to it. I don't remember the content. That's a good sign. That's a very good sign. Well, do you know, do you know these things are often, they're made of gossamer. Yes. And they, and they disappear. They're ephemeral. Are you writing lyrics right now? Ephemeral. Am I? No, because I'm awake. As you know. Oh, that's right. I do all of my composing in my dreams. That's right. Do you, do you,

That explains so much. Is there a way to- Yes, my musical is very fanciful. Exactly. Can you imagine such a thing as a speaking train? I cannot. Do you sleep right as well? Like literally, do you go to sleep with a pencil in your hand and then when you wake up, the lyrics are written there by the bedside table? I do sleep right. That's not what I end up writing.

Oh, what do you end up writing? Well, sometimes it's very disturbing. I look at the tablet, the paper tablet, next to my, you know, on my nighttime stand. Sure. Describe your whole bedroom, by the way. Yeah, certainly. Curious. Paint a picture. It's roughly seven times the size of this room. Wow. And we're in a pretty big room for the listeners. How many square feet would you say? Are we talking like... Feet, whatever.

Oh, I see. Well, you see, I'm a member of the nobility. We don't measure things in those terms. How many sword lengths? How many furlongs? It's a king's acre. Ah, I see. It's a king's acre. Is there a coat of arms? There's several coats of arms. Great. Can you have more than one?

It depends who you know. Yeah, okay. When are you going to be my status, dear boy? When the queen has touched you with a sword, she could have killed you but spared your life. Oh, is that what that whole ceremony is about? Is it about sparing the life? She kills like one out of every four guys. It's about the decision.

She is permitted to lop off the head of anyone she pleases. 25% of the time, you may be not even leaving that room. That's why Phil Collins won't get knighted. Really? He thinks she's coming for him. He's trying to set Peter Gabriel up to get knighted. Do you know it drives her crazy? It drives her simply mad. She wants to knight Arthas.

I personally, I think she's a fan of Phil. Sure. I think she might have seen Tarzan as a drummer. She's not a fan as a singer. She thinks he should not sing. She thinks that No Jacket Required was a mistake and that he should have kept playing drums. Does she think if she lops off his head, he'll continue to play drums like a chicken? Well, do you know the one thing she has against him

is that, you know, he was doing a Royal Command performance. And when he got to the song in the air tonight, all of a sudden the spotlight was shining on Her Majesty. Oh, and he sang it straight to her? He sang it straight to her. Oh, wow. He'd seen her drown song. Oh, wow. That song is about the Queen? Who did she drown? She drowned Margaret Thatcher. Wow. This is big.

news. This is huge. This is a huge sploosie. I don't know if she's, well, I mean, who says this isn't a news program? One can be dead for seven or eight minutes and come back to life. Do you know the Margaret Thatcher that lived well into...

The 21st century was not the Margaret Thatcher. That was the prime minister. That was, of course, the queen drowned Margaret Thatcher. Installed a robotic replacement. It's like a moon over Parador type. A life model decoy. It's completely a moon over Parador situation. Oh, totally. It's sort of moon over Parador crossed with a small one. I robot?

I'm not joking. No, no, no, no, no. Don't. I'm so sorry. I thought you were making fun of iRobot. I was not making fun or even joking about iRobot. You know, we have a song. There's a famous song that we sing around Christmas time in England. In England? Yeah, I think I know it. Please, this Christmas, don't take the piss out of iRobot. Oh, yes. Okay. Well, we have an American version. What? What the devil are you saying? Yes, it's sort of like O Tannenbaum and O Christmas Tree.

Oh, come all ye faithful, adeste fidelis. Yes, of course. Welcome back to the show. All I want for Christmas is you. All I want for Christmas is two in Spain. They do that. Amen.

Interesting. And Jason, do you have one? I don't. Okay. Welcome back to the show, Lord Webber. It's so great to see you. Thank you, Scott Rick. It feels as if quite some time since I've seen you. It has been quite a while. How long would you say? And why haven't you asked me to be on the program in all that time? I am so sorry. Who has been here in my absence? We've had so many. We've had a gentleman who's a rapper. We've had, oh, this guy Big Chunky Bubbles keeps coming back. The entertainer? Yeah. Oh, I understand.

I adore him. You do? Yes, of course. Haven't you ever seen his act? No, he just describes it. Please. He makes these, there's no other way to describe it, big, chunky bubbles. Yes, we know. Out of soups, stews, and chowders. One wonders when he comes on the show why he doesn't actually make some of them. He's never done that. That sounds amazing. He just described them. It's a visual medium, dear boy. Why would he? Well, I have eyes.

Is that why I had to run out and buy all that chowder the other day? No, I think that was a different reason. Oh, okay. That's the yo is this racist guy just slamming chowder in his podcast. Because what's better on a hot day than some hot chowder? Oh, yeah. Hot, thick, clam chowder. Nothing like nuking a can of chowder and then holding it in a glove because you can't get some brought. Comedy Bang Bang, brought to you by Precom and Chowder. Oh, God. You like that one, Andrew Lloyd Webber? I'm sorry.

Pre-chowder. Well, I'm not to be able to do the job of... Clam cum chowder. Getting a little greasy with the boys. What if before you made some chowder, there was just like a thinner layer of chowder? It was pre-chowder.

Ooh. All right. That will do. It's pre-chowder until you, and then you add the clams. And don't get me wrong. There's clams in the pre-chowder. Yeah, you got to be careful. You eat the pre-chowder and it has clams in it. Be careful. If you made a batch very soon before, there may be a little clam. Oh, there's definitely still some clams in there. So hello, Andrew. You don't have more? No, I don't have more. Are you certain? No.

No, we're done on this. I can keep going, but it seems like Scott wants to stop talking about it. We're done. We're done. Lord Weber, what do you- Sometimes you have to fill the can up with piss to wash all the chowder out. With piss. Sometimes you need to fill the can up with piss. If this is your first time listening, goodbye. Welcome to the best episode of this show. I'm going to check out this show. I wonder what episode 499 is like.

What are you up to? What are you doing here? Well, you know, it's a bit embarrassing. I didn't realize that... Now, what's that? Why? See? I'm sorry. It means the deal, man. You're in this mood.

where you're being bawdy with your young boyfriend. You missed it. A muffin exploded in his face, so it altered his behavior. He got bukkake'd by breakfast earlier in the week, and it's now trying to really overcompensate. Under no circumstances, tell me this story. This is what's going on with my lip here.

I don't see any... You grimaced at me like a sickly wolf. That was legit a snarl, I believe. It was a snarl! It's a face, when you do it, it's a face you otherwise never make, which is interesting to see someone make a face that they otherwise never make. That's true. Who would ever make that face? I agree. What face have I never seen you make? I don't know. Let's see.

I've seen that one. I've seen that one. Oh, damn it. That was when you were trying to make a bunch of pancakes in time for the kids who were visiting. The pancake festival you throw in your house. Honestly. I got to get into that next year. That got shut down. Yeah. That got shut down. Yeah, it was a real Christopher Robin situation. Did you have a comedy tent going on in there? Yes, I had a comedy tent. It was poorly run. But it was close to the music. It was close to the music tent at least so that everything was nearly inaudible. Yeah.

Which is what I want in my comedy. I want to be outside, uncomfortable, hot, and not able to hear it. Lord Webber, you ever do a music festival? I've done several music festivals. Which ones? Let's see. Coachella.

Are there musical festivals? Are there festivals where multiple musicals are going on on multiple stages all the time? That would be amazing. Like Hamilton is top billed on Saturday. But if you get there early enough, you can see Miss Saigon and then all the others. I don't know. All the others. All the others. We did do one on the Isle of Wight, and it was very ambitious performance.

And the main problem was we had several stages set up with musicals happening concurrently. Yeah. Sure. The noise was deafening. I would assume so. You could not, it was unpleasant to attend any singular performance. Mm-hmm.

And there was so much noise, it killed all the birds. No. Whoa. Yes. Was this during something like Stomp? Was Stomp there? Of course Stomp was there. Was Blue Man Group there? Blue Man Group was there. Bring in Da Noise, bring in Da Funk. What about Da Funk? Oh, Da Funk was there. Both were there. A musical theater festival, that's a lot of massage circles. I feel like that show, if it were just like bring in both Da Noise and Da Funk.

It would be a better title. Well, you can't have them brought in at the same time, dear boy. Really? You must bring them in one at a time. Ah, separately. Oh, yeah. They can't be together. I see. I see. If you've never seen the show, in the first act, they bring in DeNoise, and then they take an intermission. And they say, by the way, come back. Come back, because we're bringing in Defunct. DeNoise will remain. In the old, when the show first opened.

DeNoise had to vacate the building. Wow. Before DaFunk was brought in. Really? Yes. Due to zoning? DeNoise, I had read, there's a book, there's a great book about this. I had read that DeNoise thought that he was the star of the show. Ah. And when he found out that DaFunk was coming in after him. Was the headliner. He was not happy. DeNoise was told that the name of the program was Bring in DeNoise. Yes. Full stop.

Correct. And it wasn't until he saw a poster on the subway that he realized he'd been duped. Ah, and the person said, you didn't let me finish. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Bring in the noise, semicolon, bring in the funk. What was this festival called, Lord Webber? It seems so interesting. I mean, a festival like that, I would love to go to it. It was cold. You said it was the Isle of Wight? The Isle of Wight. It was cold. Yes. Yes.

I get emotional when I think about it. Oh, of course. I can see you recollecting. It was such a wonderful idea. It was your idea as well? It was not my idea. Whose idea was it? It was the idea of every one of us who composed musical theater. We all banded together. The first time. Yes, he was there, of course. Stephen Sondheim, Kander and Ebb, Rogers and Haversine. Every surviving...

at that time. And if they had not survived to that point, their robot doubles were there. So you've got like a... Moon over Peridot? Yes, this was 1975. A robot George and Ira Gershwin. That's correct. Jerome Kern.

Irving Berlin-bot was there. Did you guys do Moving Out, the Billy Joel jukebox musical? This predated that. Also, there were no jukebox musicals present. You don't like those? Oh, interesting. I do not. Oh, my heavens. You cannot just round, cobble together. Like a common cobbler. I said this on the record. Which record?

The record where I give my thoughts and feelings. Haven't you purchased that album? I have not purchased it. It's called Andrew Lloyd Webber himself. It's a 45. That's correct. Is it a 45? Oh, no. It's double albums. Double LP. It's called Andrew Lloyd Webber himself. I sit on a chair on a stage alone. Is it like three sides live? Three sides live. I just talk about whatever comes into my mind, my feelings on things. By the way, you should do this.

We should sell this. You should do a double album. I'm saying otherwise. You have done it. Perhaps a bit of it survives somewhere. I don't know if the entire thing survives anywhere. We really should put out a special edition of this. 180 gram vinyl. Come on. What? Just very high quality vinyl. He's a coke head.

You just give me that record and we'll listen to it. I didn't realize you were a cocaine man. Oh, yeah, man. I'm super into cocaine now. Oh, wow. Yeah, it's brand new in my life. Oh, that's so crazy. I just discovered it. How are you finding it? It's terrific. I'm getting a lot done. It's wonderful, isn't it? Wow. I'm getting a lot done. I've registered a whole bunch of new domain names. Oh, that's smart. That's a good money maker. Take us through at least 15 of them. Okay. Scott Aukerman is a piece of shit.com. Oh, no. I don't want any of this.

You can get Scott Ackerman as a piece of shit dot ninja now. Really? Yeah. Is dot ninja a thing? Dot ninja is a thing. I heard it on Reply All. Oh, my God. Of course. I think I also heard you there. That's probably true, Gino. So, Andrew Lloyd Webber, what was the name of this festival again? The name of the festival? You'll forgive me. Okay. You're forgiven. It was called A Perfect Evening Surrounded by Water.

Wow. By the way, that sounds amazing. That's a great festival. It was an aspirational title, of course. That's what we thought it was going to be. You thought it was going to be a perfect evening. A perfect evening. It's almost like you jinxed yourself. Robert Durst the jinx. So every one of the shows started at the same time? We've used two. Are you okay? You mentioned Robert Durst. It's a trigger for me. I burp any time I hear. I do apologize.

We've used two usages of the word jinx. Yeah. Oh, wow. You jinxed yourself and a jinx. And we had a jinx. You had like a classic jinx. Please stop saying that. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I've never heard you belch before. I never. It's never happened in public. You did it, Gino. They figured you out. Killed them all, of course.

So you thought... Are you guys still doing your Jinx remake? We are writing... Your shot for shot... Shot for shot remake of... Fictional Jinx remake. Taking the documentary and turning it into... Of the unlucky documentary, we call it.

That's really, I love that as a move. Yeah, Gus Van Zandt's going to direct it. Perfect. He's the shot for shot guy. Would you see Genosafat as the titular jinx? Oh my. As the jinx. Why are you working on something that makes you belch this much? He's the jinx. Because it's worth it. I do it for the artistry. Art must be challenging. ALW, are you writing songs into this jinx? Yes. I am...

Oh my God. I'm sorry. This is the line that's been crossed? Yes. Why are you wanting him to stop? We're having a great time. Did you want to talk about pre-cum again? No, I'm enjoying it. I mean. Do you want to talk about getting a hot load of egg on your face? You've turned this now into something that it was not. Mission accomplished. You weren't blowing an egg sandwich until it exploded all over your face and burned you?

You shouldn't have told us anything about your personal life. I'm sorry. Next time, I'll just keep it close to the chest, as they say in Dark Knight. Twice. Do they? Two different characters. Yes. Misuse that. I don't know as much of misuse as it's just not as common and odd to hear it twice in the same movie.

I think both can be true. Isn't it played close to the vest is the expression? Well, that's the one that is more commonly known. That's correct. But close to the chest? I mean, believe me, I'd much rather be close to some chest than some vest, if you know what I'm saying. I slapped a woman at the bagel store for saying chomping at the bit. I had to explain to her it was champing at the bit. And then I was arrested right after that. And then you said, chasm. And then you said, chasm.

And then you went outside and started digging around in holes looking for honey. You know me. Trying to find them underground bees.

Anyway. So you think it's a perfect. You're doing a Jinx musical. It's a perfect. Oh, yeah. We're back on the Jinx thing. Yes. Yes. Okay. Please stop saying it. So. Well, now I'm curious how long you can go on for. We shouldn't be saying. Yes, that's why I said it's called the unlucky documentary. Yes, right, right, right. Much like. Bases covered. Scottish play. Much like that. Yes. Macbeth. Shall we. Please, Scotch. Macbide. Can we say Macbide?

McWhat? McBard. Why? Don't people say that instead of Macbeth? Shit, I did it. I jinxed myself. They do now. See? It's contagious like Jason's yawn. You guys, I love that you guys are both so committed to this character, Robert Durst and the jinx. Jeez, both of you.

I don't know if I can take this. I certainly can't. I'm sure the listeners are enjoying it. Have they enjoyed up to this point? Can we get back to your... Is it about them at all? Can we get back to the perfect evening? You think it's a perfect evening. Suddenly the birds start dropping.

Were they dropping from out of the sky or were they landing on the ground in a daze and slightly falling over? It was a bit of both. I'll never forget seeing Jonathan Price singing. From Miss Saigon? Yes. Wow. From Brazil? Si. He was singing. You got some waters for us? Filling up some waters. Sorry, was that close to the mic? Make that as loud as possible. It's definitely audible.

Sorry, I just want to make sure everyone's hydrated for the rest of this. Thank you. You can start the show with that, by the way. Okay, fair enough. I was wondering why all these empty cups were here with a water bottle. Now I get it. Because it's your job. All right, go ahead. Jonathan Pryce from Game of Thrones. That's correct. Or Taboo, his most recent IMDb credit. Oh. As of this recording. Written by Chips Hardy. That's correct. Who is Chips written by? Chips? Zach Shepard. Oh.

Okay. Ask and answer? There we go. Because, you know, Chip shut down a bit. Chip happens. Anyway, go ahead. What? How could he have furthered that bit? Yeah. By saying, like, Taboo Hardy or something like that. I don't know. Oh, okay. Yeah, now I understand bits. Oh, boy. Now I get bits. I'm sorry, I didn't. That's actually very good. You're not reading my mind? I'm sorry I couldn't read your mind, Taboo Hardy. More like... More like what? Thumbs down? All right, go ahead.

Are you okay? Jonathan... Yes, I'm fine. I'm unaccustomed to being spoken to in this manner. I tolerate the interruptions. For whatever reason, I continue to appear on this show. But Skulltrick, all right, go ahead. Go ahead. Go. Go. Do your thing. He's giving up. I shan't. I think I'm this. You are denied.

And this knows. Of hearing the story. No, I ban people from the show. People don't ban. Who's banned from this program? Brett Gellman, obviously. Willie Mapleton. Oh, God. Have you banned him? I mean, I'd like to. I hope he never comes to it. You haven't banned anybody. Right. Well, there was someone on the show recently was. Yes, please. Look in your phone. This is great. What your strong feelings are. Toluca Graves.

To Luca Graves, the celebrity photographer? You know to Luca Graves. Of course I do. Oh, God. Some people I just can't stand. Oh, and Big Chunky Bubbles, I wish. Why would you bat? He's delightful. This is bullying. He's delightful. Now you're just threatening people.

When I'm running this show, all are well. Are you taking over the show? Yes. When do you want to take over? You want to take over? You look like you are acting as if you do not want to do this show anymore. We'll take a break. You take over. Great. We'll see how bad you are at it. Are you killing yourself during the break? Yeah. No, I'm going to be here sitting around pulling a Jason, meaning just sitting around being an asshole, commenting on everything that you say. Well, we are trying to have fun. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

And you're being a real burnt face about it. Burnt face or burnt? Burnt. Burnt.

Because if I were a burnt face, like Ernie and Burnt, is that what you're trying to say? No, like Burnt because your face is burnt. He looks like his face could be burnt. He looks like he came out of one of those tubes. Or a real narrow vaginal canal. And cue commercials. Alright, let's go to a break. When we come back, our host Jason will be taking us through the last segment. Here we go. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang. For 25 years, my

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And welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang with your host, Jason Manzoukas. I'm here with Andrew Lloyd Webber. I'm here with my intern, my bro, Gino. And Scott Aukerman is still checking his phone. How are you, Scotty? As the guest, I'm allowed to do that. Absolutely. Scott, what are you here promoting? I wish not you.

To host. You wish not me to host. I wish not you to host. I pretty much followed that. What a bird face. Now, before Andrew Lloyd Webber, we were talking about the... God, you're bad at this. Go ahead. If you're just going to sit there and snipe... You're terrible. Levels sound good, Jason. Thank you. Thank you, Gino. Thank you so much. And Scott, as a guest, could you just keep it quiet while Jason...

Trying to get his audio clean. I can see why Paul does this on his show. Oh, yeah. Andrew Lloyd Webber. Paul Provenza? Are you still working with Paul Provenza? I like Paul Provenza. Because you were doing that new show with him and Elaine Boosler, Provenza and Baby Boos.

Is this the kind of show that you're going to do? Yeah. Yeah. Except I'm going to have people who want to participate. Hey, I want to be here. Let's do it. Okay, great. Scott, what are you here promoting? I'm not here promoting anything. I'm here promoting Comedy Bang Bang. You said you wanted to talk about the thing you're promoting. I'm here to promote Comedy Bang Bang, a show that I will be doing as a host for- Silence. You know, Jason, what I like is your hosting style. Thank you. It's very direct. What are you here promoting? That's what I'm doing.

Question one. It's seamless. What are you here promoting? Question one. What are you here promoting? What are you here promoting? Sit the fuck down. Don't you get in my face.

Be careful with Scott's face. Oh, yeah. We got to be careful. What are you? What are you, an egg? No, I know you're not because you're fucking allergic. No, I'm allergic to eggs. Oh, shit. Shots fired. Shots fired. You fucking eggless bastard. Oh, snap. Oh, snap. Did you just put me on egg blast? Yeah. What I was on. That is, I am, I've been humiliated. Oh, fuck.

This is fucked. I don't know if I can continue. Scott Scrappy went cornered. Yeah. I feel like, you know what? I feel like in wanting to be the host, I jinxed myself. Why? God damn it. Why?

So many other words you could use. I unluckily backed myself into a situation that is difficult for me to succeed in, which is essentially a jinx. Right. Why? Oh, God. I'd start now. Oh, Scott's got it now. Oh, geez. Oh, that only makes me want to do it more. Well,

I wonder who's using these mics next. Are you saying, Jason, you want to abdicate your duties to me? Of course. Of course, Scott. Did someone say abdicate? Yes. Now you're talking my language. Wait, are you hoping that the queen abdicates the throne? Are you in line? Is there some sort of succession? The line of succession. The line of succession as pertains to the nobility, it takes quite a long time. It would take many, many. Are you like designated survivor? Yes.

Is that why you're here? On some days, I am, yes. Whenever you're here, does that mean something big is going on or everybody else is in line and you're safe here? Well, the way it works is, the queen, whenever she leaves Buckingham Palace, her life is in danger. Who knows what could happen? Sure. And so, someone is asked to stay behind in Buckingham Palace.

Who is not a member of the royal family. I see. Just in case something should happen to all... Just in case of what we call a King Ralph situation. Sure. Sure, sure. Yeah, we mentioned that earlier. We mentioned that when you weren't here. That is very strange. I beg your pardon. How could that be? Why would you? Why would we indeed? So... So sometimes... Silence! Sometimes...

I am asked to stay in the palace, which is a wonderful privilege, of course. Where do you stay? Well, you have the run of the place. That's what's so wonderful about it. Do you try to sleep in every bed? It's like being a babysitter. Just rummaging through things. Help yourself to anything. And of course, I go straight to that fridge and see what good it has. Are you a babysitter as well?

I have looked after many an infant and young child in my day, yes. Really? Just ones in England? I would do it for extra jewels when I was a lad. Princess Di? Scuffling. Wow. Can you not mention someone just because they passed away? He is. Sorry. Wait, you burp when Princess Di? Princess Di, sorry. It's complicated, but...

Should we be calling her Diana because of what happened to her instead of die? Because you think Princess Die is almost like a command? It was a self-fulfilling prophecy when we started calling her that. Gentlemen, this is bang out of order. I'm sorry. Are we not supposed to ever mention someone who's died before? Of course you can mention them. Should I say something like the late, great, or... The late, great, great princess. The late, great princess die.

As if she were a beloved disc jockey. It's just... She did do drive time. I'm sorry to bring up... On K-Rock for a while. Too soon. I'm sorry to bring up someone that maybe you were close with. It's a very... We were all close to her, don't you see? She was all of our princesses. She was America's sweetheart. The second candle in the wind. Yes, that was a bit of a... Rush job. Right. Well, you know.

No, tell me. He did a weird owl of his own song for someone else's death. His eighth candle on the wind, the Hanukkah song he did is good. I like that. But now that we brought her up and now that you've mourned a little bit, did you used to babysit her? Well, I...

I may have. She was just a little nobody at the time. Sure. Well, she wasn't engaged to Prince Charles or anything like that. By the time she was, she did not need to babysit him. Sure. Did Charles meet her through you? Yes. And I was very happy that they ended up getting married. This is good stuff. This is good stuff. I'm in level two at the magnet. That's really great, man. Okay.

I'm sorry to bring her up. I'm sorry. You obviously don't want to talk about her. I, you know, it was such a sad thing. Where were you when? I'll never forget where I was. It was an Arby's. Do you mean Arby's A-R-B-Y apostrophe S or R period B? What would that be? The Richard Branson's?

House? Oh, my God. I don't know. The insult to injury. I'm sorry. I don't know if you're close to Richard Branson. You know that I am not close to Richard Branson. I'm sorry. They are like enemies. He's only a sir. Has he gotten laid yet? Did he not get laid? I don't know. All his stuff is virgin. Oh, I understand. That way to hammer a bitch, Scott. I do.

Shoes on the other foot, Ackerman. Damn it. I got to start wearing my shoes on the right feet. I have heard, I have heard,

that on his airline, such as it is, the safety video that plays. I've never seen one of these because I haven't flown commercial in approximately 50 yards. What was it like back then? Dreadful. You could smoke on it. Yeah, everybody smoked. You were required to smoke. That's how they kept the plane moving. They told us it kept the plane in the air. Yeah.

Smoke rises, so we need some. We need the buoyancy of the smoke. There's too much oxygen in this plane. Somebody light up. We're going down. In those days, you were required to bring a pack of cigarettes, a full packet of cigarettes, and four helium balloons. Oh, my gosh. And we were all smoking and blowing up beaching balls. And everybody wore suits and dressed up for the flight. Everyone was wearing a tuxedo or a ball gown.

I feel the same way, by the way, when they say that we have to move in order to have the plane feel balanced. That's got to be something. For weight distribution? For weight distribution. I feel like that's something that they're going to disprove in 10 years. It's just a way to fat shame people. Yeah. It's never happened to me. Why would it? Exactly. Slim trim man. I never have to worry about where I sit on a boat or a plane. Boat.

I also have no trouble getting onto and off of planes. So, what airline would you rather fly on? Trump Airlines or Richard Branson's Virgin Airlines? Oh, duh. Can you imagine? This is almost a Would You Rather. It is. Should we? All right, let's play a little game that we like to call Would You Rather. Oh, I see. Who's the host of this podcast?

This is a Sondheim song, by the way. No other I don't like it. The Frogs. Do we talk during this now? It's just as aimless and tuneless as everything he ever writes. Wow. If you had to pick one Sondheim song that's a good song, though. Well, let's see. There's this one song from Assassins. Keep it going, keep it going. Where a number of people...

singing the chorus is singing in 10 turns talking about how they saved the life of President Roosevelt sure and what I like about it is that it quotes existing songs in its melody

So you like the original songs. That's my favorite Sondheim song. If I had to pick one. All right. Well, it's time to play Would You Rather. We have, this one came to us from me. Would you rather fly Trump Airlines or would you rather fly Virgin Airlines? I've opened the floor for questions. I have a question. Yes. In this scenario,

where I am forced to choose between these two allies. Yes, you have a gun to your head. Yes. You have 10 AKs to your head. Not as wonderful as a sword to one's neck. About to receive the greatest honor an Englishman can resume. If you had died that day, by the way, would you have said it's worth it? Of course.

I would like to think that as my head rolled to the royal carpet, it would have mouthed the word, thank you, your majesty.

Do they have a basket or anything like that? Or is it just on the carpet? Nope. Wow. It just falls right on the floor. Amazing. Who picks it up? Is there a dog or something? There's various. Is there a dog or something? There's like a couple of bull mastiffs that come and grab it like they're trained on soccer balls. Please, gentlemen. Of course, there is a footman, a powdered wigged footman who picks it up, who throws it to the queen's corgis to devour. So Phil Collins...

You're about to be corgi food. She wants to knight him. She wants to knight his own. You think so. You don't think he's going to get there. He's afraid. I understand. And she's going to be like, I didn't care for Su Su Studio and chop, chop, chop. No way she says that. Really? That's the best Phil Collins. She loves that song. Really? Yes. What about Tarzan? Because she thinks that she's the girl that's been on his mind. Really? Oh. She thinks it's about her. Oh, that's absurd. What about Easy Lover? Does she think that's about her?

No, she thinks she... Or is that about Princess Di? She knows that's about Queen Beatrix of Holland. Oh! And she hates the way he walks, right? Wait, does Phil Collins only write love songs about the royalty of different countries? If you ask the royalty, he does. Do you know what I'm saying? Ooh.

I appreciate you covering your mouth, by the way, because I couldn't hear that. Oh, good. I put my hand shield up. I have no idea what you're saying right now. No one can hear. I'm shielding my mouth from Scott Rick. He has no idea. Having a clue. So now, yes, you have 10 AKs to your head in this scenario. Right. So what's your question? Have all other airlines gone out of business? Yes. Every other airline has had their airplanes crash into each other head on. Oh, no.

Oh, that's a very specific way to go out of business. I have another question. Will I encounter the owners of these airlines on this aeroplane? Yes, they'll be flying the planes. They're flying the planes? They'll be flying and occasionally coming back and serving drinks. Who's flying the plane while they're serving the drinks? Autopilot. Autopilot? Who is this autopilot? Come on, guys. You know what I'm saying. Are the drinks free? Drinks are $5, and it's a cashless service.

You got to have debit? Oh. So you got to have your debit card. Oh, then I have an important follow-up. What's that? You don't know what cashless is? Well, I know. I don't carry cash, of course. Yeah. But I don't know what a debit card is. Oh, a credit card? A what? I believe they call them bank cards in England. Bank card. The Bank of England? Do you know that? I know the Bank of England. Do you keep money in there? I keep some money in there, yes. Where do you keep most of your money? In...

I converted it to jewels and gold. Do you? Oh, so at your house, do you have a treasure room? Yes, I have a sort of a... Like a Scrooge McDuck style... Are you sort of like, or Smaug? It's like a dragon's hoard, yes. Oh, oh, oh. A Smaug, if you will, yes. The dragon Smaug just hanging out. Do you... Are you turning into a dragon?

Oh, it is a consummation devoutly to be wished. Watch yourself, counselor. I would worry more that you would suffer dragon... Dragon sickness. Dragon sickness more so than turn into a dragon. You would have to have. That's the first stage of turning into a dragon. The madness. The madness that accompanies it. At the risk of sounding immodest, yes, I do quite well, thank you. But you would have to have...

So much treasure. So much treasure to succumb to dragon sickness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you have a lot of treasure. I have. I do all right. Dragon sickness makes me think of my next question. Can you use gift cards?

To buy drinks on the plane? Yeah, can you use like a Visa gift card? Oh, yeah. Like a $100 Visa gift card that you get for signing up for Amazon Prime or something like that? Yes, exactly. Sure. Go ahead. Wait a minute. That's mine then. I know your Trixie's called Trick. Yes. Wait, are you saying Trixie's because you have dragon sickness? I can't get quite a read on whether you're like a golem kind of thing or golem. It's not a golem. I beg your pardon. I didn't mean to say that.

How do you, what do you think, you know, Tolkien, he just nicks the word golem and then switches the pronunciation. I know, it's like a Harry Potter kind of thing, like Snape is like snipe. Yeah, that's why I have no sympathy for him that Led Zeppelin just stole all of his stuff and sent it to music.

Do you like Led Zeppelin? How is that allowed? Imagine a band came out now that just did like the Avengers themed stuff. Or just like did Dick Francis songs. The Horse? Yes, The Horse. That's who I'm talking about. Yes.

Any other questions? I was in the middle of my question. Oh, yeah. Sorry. Oh, you got a question in the middle of your question. Congrats, Gino. He's in the middle of his third question in a row. Well, you got to play the game. Yeah, you got to get in there. You have to ask questions to play the game. Early and often. You said the owners of the respective airlines are on the plane. They're flying the plane. Yes.

Is Branson on Trump's plane and vice versa? Yes, they did a vice versa. They did a plane switch or plane swap. Oh, wow. Wow. Do you think it's going to become permanent? Not a Fred Savage, Judge Reinhold situation? It wasn't. Yes, a vice versa.

I've closed the floor for questions. What? There was no warning. I'm sorry. There's no warning. All right, guys. Wowee. I didn't even ask a question. Yeah. Let's see how we're going to vote. Jason, how are you voting? Richard Branson. Richard Branson, meaning you're flying Virgin or you're flying the plane that Richard Branson is flying? Oh, that's correct. Yes, you're right. Oh, wow. That really mixes it up. Yep.

Oh, man, I wish I'd asked a question. Okay. Then Richard Branson. Again, I'm going to ask you to clarify. You have my answer. Okay. All right, Gino. So on Trump's airline. Yes.

Are you asking a question? Because that's not allowed. No, no, no. Okay. So I'll choose Trump's airline. With Richard Branson flying the plane. With Richard Branson on it because Trump's airline will probably show the film Bloodsport. Okay, great. And Lord Weber. This is very difficult because on the one hand –

The money you would be spending purchasing the ticket would go- Oh, I have to purchase the ticket as well? That would go to the person who owns the airline. So the people pointing the AK-47s at my head, they are forcing me to purchase a ticket. Yes, yes. They're forcing you to go to your treasure, pick out a couple of gold coins. Well, this makes things somewhat easier. Do you keep your treasure in like a chest?

Like a treasure chest? What fits? Do you keep your treasure close to the chest? There are several treasure chests that I keep close by. Yeah, of course. As you can see, I have two chestlets with me right now. Two tiny chests. Two tiny chests. Is that kind of like your wallet? Exactly. Is that like what your wallet is, basically? If it pleases you, yes. I believe they're called pecs when you have two of them. Nice chestlets. Please vote. This has been the most... What are you, Jeb Bush? Plated... Please vote. Jeb!

I would fly on the Trump airplane knowing that it would kill Richard Branson to have to fly a plane that is not his and that is so disgustingly tacky. It would drive him mad. And he would have to serve you because he would be forced to get you drinks. Exactly. All right. Let's see. We have one vote for Trump airline. No, you voted for Trump. Okay. So two for Trump and Jason's vote doesn't count. Okay.

So, because he would not clarify. Richard Branson. Let's tally up the points. It's one to one. Looks like we have our first tie ever in Would You Rather. Congratulations, Gene O'Vanney and Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. You both win. Is that true? The first? I don't think it's the first tie. Maybe. Who cares? It's another tie or the first tie. Either way. And that's how we play Would You Rather. When's the last time this got played? I don't know. What?

What excitement. We should do it more often. Remember games? Yeah, remember? I do remember the games. I used to quite enjoy the games. Yeah, let's play them more often. I think it was the reason I came on the show. Tell you what, in our ninth year, let's play them. All games. All games. All games all the time. Nothing but games. Why don't you make year nine the year of games? All games all the time. That would be amazing. And then each maybe month, retire a game and bring on a new game. And think of a new game? We can barely think of one. Let's, yeah.

Well, there's fortunately, unfortunately. There's what am I thinking? Riddle me this. There's riddle me this, the rap battle. That's true.

All right, let's play some more games next year. Let's not do Rap Battle. Why? You're good at Rap Battle, right? Andrew Lloyd Webber? You're a songwriter by trade. Of course I am. Let's hear a little bit of it. It's time to do a little Rap Battle. Here we are. Rap Battle. Andrew Lloyd Webber. Solo Rap Battle. Scott Aukerman. That's the battle. Scotty Auk versus Andrew Lloyd Webber.

All right, Lord Webber, start us off. I will. Waiting for it to come back around again. Here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes.

Well, I like to rap and I like to battle. How did you hear this? Did someone tattle? I'm the one who told you. Never forget, that's what you get when I say that I like to rap. I'm not kidding. This isn't a trap. I'm rapping. I'm rapping at you. Does that make you happy or blue? Are you sad because I rapped around your head?

which is down in the ground and you're dead. I've killed you. I've killed you with my raps. Murder. Wow. That's some hardcore gangster rap. Wow, I fucking love that. Why don't you ever have that kind of hard edge in your other stuff? I like to entertain people I don't really think they're about to be murdered. Wow, that was great. I can only rap about

Murder. Oh my gosh, the music's fading out. Scotty. Unfortunately, I won't be able to. Scotty. You're going to go acapella. We are running out of time, guys. We do. Unfortunately, we only have time for one more thing here, and that is a little something called plugs. Oh no, we're going to go. You should say if we can't show. Oh my, I think I might cry. Don't worry, I'm not a weirdo. It's just something I.

Wow, that was sort of like a Strokes guitar line there a little bit. That was really I'm Not a Weirdo by KevBot4000. Thank you so much to KevBot4000. I wonder if Kev maybe died and was replaced by – Look at that. Like a robot. It's entirely possible. He's clearly not trying to hide the fact that he's now a robot. Very upfront about it. How many robots don't even bother to hide it?

The ones that call themselves 3000 or bot something, right? Like those guys are just flaunting it. Yeah, anyone that's just like – that's call letters. You know, your R4E1s and et cetera. KRS-One. How long do you think until people start asking –

for themselves to be referred to like in public by their like screen names yeah that's true like don't you feel like that's coming hey what's your name at Scott Aukerman yeah or something like that or whatever corny name they are you know like I feel like that's coming yeah at Colfax McLiverneck yeah call me at Drill

At Drill? At Drill? Yeah. What does that mean? There's someone on Twitter whose name is At Drill, I'm assuming. Oh. There is. There is. One L. That's great. All right, guys. What do we plug in? Jason, obviously, you have some stuff coming out. You always have your fingers in various pies. I'll be watching a movie and suddenly J-Dog pops up. Boom. There I am. Let's see. Gilmore Girls. Oh, yeah. I snuck right in on that one. Yeah, you did. Right under the wire. Very excited for that. Got in on the final three.

What is it? April something? Yeah. I think probably if you wanted to watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine, that wouldn't be the worst idea. Oh, me too, by the way. Oh, nice. Yes. I like that. I'll be on the season finale. I will be on the penultimate episode. Jason, you've already appeared on that program. I have. I have.

So they brought your character back. They have, indeed. So that is a thing that they can do. They can bring your character back. If a character has appeared on the show, they could bring the character back if they so choose. So a character like, have you ever been watching? Could be anything. Have you ever been watching that show? Could be a captain of a cruise ship. Wait, because they've brought quite a few characters back. Oh, have you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a common practice. Oh, it's like one of their biggest things is to have a stable of characters that recur regularly throughout the season. What about a character who hasn't been on the show yet? Could they have one of them on? Sure. Like a new character? Like a new character. Absolutely. Yeah, do they have any, you know? Like tall, skinny. I'm willing to play anything. I'll play a fat janitor, a fat, you know, I'll play Scully's son, Sully's son or whatever his name is. Or Scully's son from the movie Sully. Yeah.

They should do Scully and Sully. I'd love to see Tom Hanks and Gillian Anderson in something together. Oh, man. I wouldn't mind seeing that.

The two shoes teaming up. It's an X-Files episode where Scully is like, I don't think you really landed that plane. Like a ghost took over him. And that's how he was able to do it. So they're not partners. The one is investigating the other. X-Files is an episode about the Sully landing. It's like a Frost v. Nixon. Because they get to the plane and what they realize is the plane is from the past because everybody's wearing tuxedos, smoking cigarettes, and there's helium balloons everywhere. But like Batman v. Superman, they team up at the end.

What a good movie. What a good movie. Do you think it turns out that Sully and Scully, both their mothers have the same first name? Yes. The only thing that can stop a fight. Wait, why did you say Esther?

Esther. All right, Gino, what are you plugging here? I've been listening. I've been doing a lot of driving lately, so I've been listening to a lot of these... You have to. ...the DVR radio things that you guys do here. And there's one in particular I like. It's called... Not High and Mighty. It is High and Mighty. Is it High and Mighty? Oh, wow. You know, there's only...

I would love to be plugging TV shows, but it's been slow, and we're giving diverse people a chance this pilot season. That's great. A lot of people missed out on the white privilege window. Yeah. I was the last talk show host. Yeah. Where were you like five, six years ago, Gino? Oh, trying. Yeah.

Yeah, well, check out High and Mighty. It's a podcast. It's great. Also, I'm a big fan of How Did This Get Made and Hollywood Handbook to keep it in the family a little bit. Nice. I would also like to promote How Did This Get Made. Okay, sure. Hosted by Paul Scheer. Sure. And June Diane Raphael and myself, Jason Manzoukas. Well, but he's really the host. I might be the only person who hosts two different Earwolf podcasts concurrently. Nope. Nope.

First of all, I have you talking U2 to me. Does that still exist? Sure. When's the last time you did an episode?

a couple of years ago, but you never know. So that's, that's DOA. Interesting. ALW and Sondheim have the same birthday, which is two Titans in the industry. And then my favorite comedian, John Gabrus and Paul Scheer, the host of How'd This Get Made, have the same birthday. Really? So there must be something. When is that? What is that day? That is January 31st. Oh, too late. I don't know why I know my favorite comedian's birthdays. It's just something creepy. I like to tweet at them and say, happy birthday. I love you. What's your birthday? My birthday? Yeah. Uh,

April 20th, 1991. Yeah, 420. I think it was a couple years before Columbine. I remember my birthday party was interrupted because we were watching cable news for my birthday party. Sure. That was the party? Yeah, my family...

Had all my friends over to watch cable news and then kind of got... Because it was so new? Because it was a big thing and it was like, this is definitely going to be on. It was like when we used to watch MTV when it first came out. Right, right. So we were watching cable news. Well, your generation was the generation of, I want my cable news. Yes, right. I want my CNN. We would have award shows where Spider-Man would kiss a girl and we'd get a CNN award. Is this still plugs? Yes, please. Plug something. Well, I'd like to plug...

Another podcast called, it's a whimsical name, Spontaneanation. Scottrick, I believe it comes out the very same day as your show. Oh, so it's out today. It is out today. Oh, amazing. Why am I here? I don't know. Instead of listening to that? I should be listening to that. You can do both.

It's probably only an hour, and this is an hour and a half or something. Yeah, I'm listening to a different podcast in my headphone. What? You are? Oh, so am I. Which ones? I'm listening to 99% Invisible in my cans. What? Yeah, I'm listening to Reply All in mine. Also, people should look forward to one of my favorite television programs, spelled P-R-O-G-R-A-M-M-E. M-M-E? Do you like M-M-E?

I love it. Oh, wow, really? I love MME. I love MDMA. I love MMA. What else? MAGA. I love MAGA. I love them all.

Oh, wow. Bajillion dollar properties. Oh, yes. Watch bajillion dollar properties on the CISO streaming platform. I believe season three will be coming out in about a month or so. I believe that's true. And if you live in the New York area, November 12th, November 11th and 12th,

at the Bell House in Brooklyn. I understand there's live entertainment that's happening. My goodness. Something called Super Ego and the aforementioned Spontaneanation doing live programs. Quite a night or a concurrent night. It's a weekend, dear boy. Why a weekend is this?

A weekend. A theater after a fashion. Sure. Folding chairs. I'm so sorry. I don't mean to impugn theater. Will people come dressed as their favorite characters from the shows? I think they should. I mean, it'll be so quickly after Halloween that they will probably keep their costumes. They should let these costumes do double duty. Yes. Someone's phone ringing? No. Nope.

I do not hear anything. Are you okay? Are you all right? Uh-oh. Oh, my gosh. His eyes are rolling back. I don't feel so good. Oh, my God. Let me get my plugs out. Speaking of New York, we're going to be doing a live comedy bang-bang out at Vulture Fest on May 20th. So, coming up. So, come on out for that.

And I'll be on the season finale of Brooklyn Nine-Nine in May along with my former girlfriend, whom I married, and Eugene Cordero. We all have a scene together. That's fun. And let's see. Anything else I want to plug? Nah, fuck it. Oh, bajillion dollar property is in a month. Yep. All right, let's close up the old plug bell. Tongue about bags, eh?

All right, guys. Thank you so much for being here with me. So fun. The Jinx.

Oh, jeez. Going out on a low note. All right. Jason, Gino, Lord Weber, thank you so much for being here. Always a pleasure to see you. Stick around for our eighth anniversary next week, I believe. Stay right where you are. Stick around. Don't change that channel. Just keep playing this and eventually you'll get there. All right. We'll see you next time. Every podcast turns into the next one. All right. Thanks. Bye. And fade out now.

Ero

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