Best of 2023 Part 3
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Hello, welcome back. This is Scott Aukerman. By the way, this is a terrible catchphrase. We don't do catchphrases on the best ofs, though. So wait, what was the terrible catchphrase? Hello, welcome back. Hello, welcome back. Yes, I know. It's not great. Not good. No. No. But you know, I would like to wish everyone a very happy new year. That's right. It is New Year's Day. It's the most miserable day of the year.

That's right. You guys were all out celebrating. Some of you, I think if you were ad free on the West Coast, you probably got this a little bit before the new year. So if you're ad free on the West Coast, you probably got this literally. So I hope you enjoyed your 2022. Listen to us.

2022? Oh, no. What year is it? Oh, boy. It's 2024 now. 2024. It's the future. It is the future. Oh, my gosh. Did you ever think we were going to make it to 2024? Honestly, I thought that when I was a kid, the year 2000 seemed so far away that I was just like, I'll be an old man in the year 2000. Now I'm like, am I going to make 3000?

That's insane. You're not. You don't think? You know, people do live longer and it's possible that we could live to be a thousand. Sure. We could be the first generation that lives to be a thousand. That's the thing is like, you know, you hear about, you know, Norman Lear. I heard about him. Here's a guy. He lives to be a hundred. Yeah. It's like, why stop there? Yeah.

You know, why did he do that? Let's like, keep going, bro. Let's roll it over to 200. Yeah. That's what I would do. You know what I mean? Like I'd say, let it ride. Yeah. If you make it to a hundred, you might as well go to two. You know, at that point, just go to two. And then at that point at 200, your pot committed, go to four. I would. Okay. I'm going to say, I'm going to say four. I don't know if I'd go that far.

Really? How far do you think you'd go? I'd probably seal it at two. You'd cap it at two? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think if you're already at two, go to four. Because at that point, you've lived 200 years, right? And you're like, oh, I've seen this. I've seen that. I've seen the next thing. But what haven't I seen? Anything that's in the future. So I'd just stick around for another two. I know. I just feel like it could be so boring. Yeah.

I mean, because if you don't like it and you're committed to going to four and you get to 250, you're like, fuck, another 150. I should have captained it too. I think you got to double it though. If you do get to four, you got to go to eight. What do you think you'd look like at 200 years old? Well, this is my, this is my theory. So,

So here's what happens to the human body as you age. Right. It gets gross. It's purely just grossness. But no, your skin starts to sag a bit. So that's one thing. A bit. But your nose and your ears keep growing. Yeah.

So the rest of your face doesn't keep growing, but the rest of your face doesn't keep growing, but your nose and your ears do. So like, you know, they talk about in Bible times, like, you know, who's, who's really old Methuselah or whoever. Methuselah. Like he must've had the longest fucking nose and the just droopiest ear lobes of all time. Cause those just keep going and going and going. Meanwhile, the rest of your face isn't growing and growing and growing. It's sagging and sagging and sagging. Sort of balances out kind of, I guess so.

I would get gauges for sure. How do you mean? Ear gauges. Ear gauges. Oh, I see. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you meant gauges to see how old you were. Oh, I'd definitely buy one of those. Check it every day. Every day. You're like, oh, boy. Are the gauges the hoops? The discs. The discs. Yeah, that you get in your ears. That's the thing. Only kids get them at this point, and then they always kind of regret it.

When they hit 30 or 35, right? It should be old people who get them. They have the droopiest earlobes. They have the droopiest earlobes. What a beautiful canvas with which to work. Yes. My darling, you're wasting those earlobes. Where are we? Is that true, by the way, that your nose and your ears continue to grow? I believe so, yeah.

So that's the whole contours of your face sort of changes as you get older and just like, I'm imitating, of course, the sound of your nose and your ears. That's sped up, obviously. The real time you would, you barely hear it. No, no, you hear, no, it's that loud every day. It kind of just goes. Yeah. That's the noise you're hearing. Yeah. Every day. Every day. You just, in the morning you hear. In the evening.

ain't we got ain't we got do sergeant peppers do all right what a prick frank sinatra was a miserable we can finally say it yeah we can finally say it sucked anyone who was friends with him is god yeah great voice yeah but a real piece of shit as a person i guess so yeah never met him yeah wouldn't have wanted to nope

uh seemed angry a lot yeah you know and and for what reason he had everything academy award thing had so much anger that he started to get mad at other people for complaining about their own lives yeah oh yeah that letter he wrote about george michael hey guess what maybe george michael was not doing so well yeah also frank sinatra who are you to talk about somebody complaining about being famous when you punch photographers every other fucking day just enjoy it baby

what are you complaining about what are you doing taking my picture boom boom boom and of course he asked him where's the chick and then george by god to say that's right we will never know what song that is about um what are we doing today this is the best of comedy bang bang 2023 part three yeah it really is and it is a happy new year happy 2024 to you uh traditionally of course

In the end months, we count down our favorite things of the previous year. This year's best ofs are happening in the first week of January, which is fun. January 1st and January 4th. So that's a lot of fun this year. That is a lot of fun. Isn't it? First and fourth? Sure. What was that football sitcom that was on cable? First and 10? Probably First and 10. First and 10, yeah. That's more of a...

kind of traditional, I was going to say line that they say in football. Excuse me, line? More traditional dialogue, football dialogue. Excuse me, line? First and ten. Oh, thank you. I would say they hardly ever say first and four. Yeah.

Did you ever watch First in Ten? Did anybody? No. Who's in it? Don't know. Let's look it up. I think that was back in the days of cable where famous people were not on cable. I'll tell you who was in it. Yeah. Delta Burke. What's that flower you got, Burke? TV show you are on.

It was on from 1901, sorry, 1984 to 1991. Wow. Good long run. Yeah. Holy shit. Congrats, First and Ten. So six seasons and a movie? What if the First and Ten movie came out this year? It was on HBO. Oh.

Oh, it was on HBO. I thought it was like Showtime or something. No, this was on when HBO wasn't like, hey, we put on expensive, classy shit. They were like, we put on the stupidest, cheapest shit in the world, but it has boobs. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Because back then, you couldn't see boobs anywhere. Nowadays. They're all over the place. All over the place. Now they're. They're all in Washington, I'll tell you that much. All right.

I completely missed that story about the guy. Was it a congressman having sex in the, in the, no, it was a congressman's aid. I believe, um, had, had sex in like one of the rooms that everyone votes in or something like that. I mean, honestly,

Let them. Who cares? Who cares? Look, people have had sex everywhere in the world. You know what I mean? Like, I don't think there's a square inch on earth that someone hasn't boned on. People have had sex in coffins. Yeah. So it's like, what? Oh, suddenly we can't have sex where someone votes on a law? No. We can't. Look, we can't just have sex in bedrooms, everyone. People have sex in the White House. Yeah. Why can't they have sex in Congress?

It's called sexual Congress, idiots. Hey! This, by the way, we got to get an hour together. I know. An hour special. Yeah, if we do, or we just trade off. Trade off sets. I mean, it's not that much different from what Randy and Jay do. Yeah. Come on. Exactly.

I'm going to need you to provide the majority of the punchlines. Well, is that right? I mean, I think I'm doing that right now. Oh, no. This is part of it. This is part of it. Oh, yeah, yeah. And of course, we film ourselves doing crowd work at the top. Yes. That'll be the first 50 minutes of the special. Ha ha!

We're counting down the best of 2023 of Comedy Bang Bang. And I'm imagining a world where this is your first episode of Comedy Bang Bang ever. You got a new iPhone for Christmas and you haven't turned it on until now or something. And you're just like, what is a podcast? And you're looking it up and you see Comedy Bang Bang. What a twisted mind you have. Who would imagine such a thing? Look, that's just kind of...

what i imagined in this little weird brain okay so danny devito had a twisted mind for twisted mind of danny devito yeah and then i saw somebody else has a twisted mind who's that there's a it's a new movie and i had to look up who this person was like this guy's got a twisted mind i can't remember who it is is it the guy who did poor things yorgo or no what's his name no it's not it's not poor yorgo you know what i'm who i'm i know you're talking about it's not i don't think it's him

It's Yorgos Lathimos from The Twisted Mind of Yorgos. It is him? No, no. I'm just saying that's the guy's name. Here, let me put in quotes. Yes. From The Twisted Mind of. From The Twisted Mind. Matthew Vaughn? Yes. That was him. Yes. And I was like, was he on fucking Alias? Was he in Suits? No, he directed Kingsman. Kingsman! And Kick-Ass. And The Kingsman. And Layer Cake. Layer Cake. Actually, that movie kind of looks good to me.

What is it, the new one? It's the Dua Lipa, John Cena movie where the writer... Are there any actors in it? I know. No, the writer of these spy books gets kidnapped because she's writing such good spy novels that...

All of everything that happens in them happens in the real life. You know that old- That's twisted. It's too twisted for my taste. I don't know if I can see something that twisted. Yeah, it's so very twisted. Yeah, who's going to be next on the Twisted Mind of? Bradley Cooper? He doesn't allow chairs on set. Or Adam Driver? He doesn't allow phones on set. Oh, twisted! Now, does Adam Driver allow phones on the set? He just doesn't like it when people use them? He just doesn't like it.

Okay. He says he hates it. But then he said he also lets people know you're away from your you left your family and your kids. All I did was do this. I drove to Glendale. Yeah. But also, let's say you did leave your family and kids. Maybe that's how you keep in touch with them. Maybe you're texting. Hey, who's this asshole I'm working with? But it is like, does he mean he's glaring at me? Something like that. And with the chairs thing, too. I'm like, who does that apply to? Does that apply to absolutely everyone? Yeah.

or does that apply to only is he only talking about his fellow actors you know what I mean yeah because I saw a lot of if you don't know what we're talking about there's an interview clip where Adam Driver is complaining about and if you don't know what we're talking about I feel sorry for you and God bless you he's talking about how he doesn't like phones on a set and he doesn't like people like checking their phones on a set in between takes I assume he means in between in between takes not during takes

Oh, that would be, you know what? I'd be with him on that. Let's give him the benefit of your phone during a take. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I assume he meant during a take. I, I heard about somebody doing that during an actor who would doing that during who would do that during coverage when they were off camera and doing the, uh, doing the lines for someone's closeup, they would be on their phone.

And doing the lines. You know. That almost feels disrespectful to me. It does. But you know what? I. If I were to ever get another acting job. I kind of think. Why not just do it during the actual scene? Everyone's checking their phones all the time anyway. Yeah. Would it be so weird to have your character just constantly checking their phone? Yeah.

Just bake that right in. If we want to make this real life. Yeah. Two people out to dinner. At some point, they're looking at their phones. Yeah. And then Adam Driver can't complain about it. No. Oh, my God. If I ever. You should make a movie and put him in it. And make him be on the phone the whole time. Give him an offer of like, okay, $30 million to star in this movie. Scott. And it's all about people who are constantly on their phones. Scott.

We're the Twisted Minds. Oh, shit! We've inherited the Twisted Minds! What we have just concocted is so twisted. No one's ever going to have the title again. Yeah. Twisted Minds. Yeah. Well, they'll hang it from the rafters when we die. At the AMC in Century City. When they hang us from the rafters. Yes. Because we're too twisted. Yeah, exactly. These guys have to be put to death. Yeah.

Did you see that Adam Driver movie they made? We had to execute them. He's checking his phone in a scene. Get the firing squad. One bullet. Makes you bigger. What are we doing? We're doing the top episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. If you just got your phone and you are hearing this for the first time, Comedy Bang Bang is a comedy podcast where... Podbay. Oh my gosh. Where I am the host of it and...

We have comedians, comedians like Paul F. Tompkins here. Hi, present. Playing fake characters on it, and it's all improv, improvisation, and none of it is planned out, and we just all have a lot of fun while we're doing it, and we're counting down. This year, we're counting down the top 16 episodes of the year. We have already counted down 16 through 9 on our previous two episodes. If you missed those, you better go back and listen so you have context for the remaining episodes.

eight episodes yes today we're going to be counting down eight through five so that's very exciting and then thursday we'll be doing the top four well that's very exciting so we're gonna if we if we come back we're going to be cracking the top five this episode if we come back we're cracking the top five yeah yeah so this is exciting so uh uh paul do you want to get to it what do you say i do scott i say let's get to it let's get to it let's this look

You voted. Let's get to it. This is your episode number eight. Number eight. Episode number eight. Now, Paul, I'm going to give you a number and check your reaction. Okay. This is episode 816. 816? 816, yep. Is that an area code? Probably. I think everything is an area code. 816 till I die.

Let me look up 816 area code because they're going crazy right now. The people listening in the 816, they're out of their minds. They're like, oh, Kansas City. Kansas City. Kansas City 816. Don't forget the Kansas City. What's don't forget the Kansas City? And the hills of Brazil. I'm just doing the David Bowie Mick Jagger. And the hills of Brazil. That sucked. Yeah.

First of all, I don't like, I've never liked that song. That's pretty good. I've never liked it. That's good, yeah. They should graft that onto another song. Yeah. Just, you know, the way that they take any hook and just put it on another song. Like, put it on WAP Part 2 or something like that. Yeah. Like, wetter ass pussies.

What are, as pussier. Yes. Okay. They're even more pussy than the previous pussies. Same level of wetness. I once, I believe on a, on a Thanksgiving Macy's Day parade or something, I saw Jimmy Fallon sing that song. And. This sounds familiar to me. He chose to sing it imitating them and singing off lines. Oof.

So he would, he would, he was doing it like Mick Jagger for the majority of it, but then he would go in the streets. He would like then do very odd, very odd choice. Like Jimmy Fallon singing, dancing in the streets. And then he's imitating them doing. Do you think that's the only version he'd ever heard? I think so. And I think that's the only way he could learn it. And why do more than five minutes of rehearsal? I forgot that he used to do, or he probably still does impressions. Yeah. I think he still does it on his show. Yeah. Yeah. That's what people should have been mad about.

What? Everything we've talked about? Instead of all the other stuff. Hey, Kansas City. Congrats. Congrats, 816, baby. This is your first Comedy Bang Bang mention. Yeah. We'll never talk about you again, but hope you enjoyed it.

Um, this is episode eight one six, and this is an episode called love bridge. Oh, sure. Love bridge. And now there, here's a, uh, a hint as to what it is. There's a comma in between the two words. So it's not love bridge. Although I really enjoy going to one of those ones. I'd like to go to a love bridge. I assume you have sex on a bridge. I do more than assume you'd have sex. I know for a fact you do because I book it.

Really? Okay. Yes, this is an episode called Love Bridge, and let me tell you a little bit about it. The celebrity, now if you haven't heard Comedy Bang Bang before, we usually have a celebrity as the first guest, and they're themselves, and we talk to them about their current projects. And then we have comedians playing characters after that. The celebrity in question this time is our good friend Jack Quaid. Jack Quaid.

Quaid. Jack Quaid, whom people would know from Amazon's The Boys. He plays Huey or Stewie or one of those Uis. Huey, Dewey, Louie, one of them. Screwy. Screwy, of course. You would also know him from Star Trek Lower Desks.

Or Lower Decks, where he plays Boimler. That's right. Ensign Boimler, or maybe he got a promotion this season. I can't recall. Maybe he got a promotion to Ensign. Maybe he got a premonition that he was going to get a promotion. Yeah, I'm not sure. But Jack is a very nice fellow. Yes, he is. One of show business's best. He's Hollywood's good boy, as we say. Wow. Okay. I didn't know that title. Yeah, one of Hollywood's best.

Well, Hollywood's good boy. Is he Hollywood's good boy? The first holder of that title. We've talked about that on one of his previous appearances. He's Hollywood's good boy. Wow. Meaning that he's not dangerous. That's right. And he's nice to everyone he works with. He's Hollywood's good boy. Congrats on the title. Yeah. So, uh, our good friend Jack Quaid is here and, uh,

we talked to him a little bit in this clip you're going to hear. And then Lily Sullivan comes on. We've heard her. Can I just give a shout out to Lily Sullivan? I would say it's time. Why not? She's good. Yeah, she's good. She's good. She's good to fair. I think you're doing her a disservice. I am. I am. You heard her doing Francesca Bolognese in our previous Best Of episode. Here she is doing Bridget Jones. And then we have the next clip is Carl Tartt.

You heard him doing, who was it? Charles Barkley on our previous episode. He is here to do the Crypt Keeper. And then we'll hear a little clip of Jack is one of the only celebrities who likes to come on and is committed to also doing a character when he's on.

You'll hear a clip of him as the ghost of Dr. John. I think his most enduring comedy bank. It is. He's done him twice as opposed to the other ones he's only done once. So this is it. This is your choice for episode number eight. Number eight. We need to go to our next guest. Jack Quaid is with us. She is an author. She's been on the show before. Please welcome back to the show, Bridget Jones. What's up? Hey. How are you?

How are you doing? Hello! Hey. So good to meet you. Great to meet you. Big fan. Jack Quaid. Thank you. Yes. Bridget Jones. We're both mad famous. Yeah. Oh, man. I don't know if I'm as famous as you. You're pretty damn famous. I'm pretty famous. Yeah. I'm mad well-known, so. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty mad well-known. You're known for your, you're a diarist. Yeah. You have famous, are you famous or are your diaries famous? I'm not quite sure. Well, yeah. Because the movie title is

Bridget Jones. I'm like, oh, I'm going to get. And then it's Bridget Jones's diary. I'm like, well, I'm going to watch a movie about a book. Yeah, you are. And it's going to be mad good. The camera's just like focused on a book that doesn't move for two hours. It's like, what's going on? OK, yeah. Well, actually, my story is pretty apt to the Hollywood, all the stuff happening in Hollywood right now. Oh, yeah. How so? Well, basically, they took me diary, these Hollywood execs.

and they made the movie with Zellweger's Renee and Hug Gronk and Colin Far... And...

And they made mad monies. And they left me with fucking nothing. So now, 20-something years later, I'm trying to get me new diary be made into a movie. It perfectly encapsulates your previous appearances. Okay. Good. In your previous appearances, you...

You have read some of the diary entries. Are you here to do that again? Yeah, I'm trying to get the word out. You know, I'm here in L.A. temporarily going to the writer's strike, hanging out, making connections. It seems like everyone's doing it. It seems like a lot of the actors and people going to these strikes is very performative. I've met mad people, mad connections. It's like they know Bob Odenkirk is going to be out there. Yeah.

I saw him, yeah. Who else did I see? I saw Lauren Mapkes. I saw Vic-

I saw Susie Barrett. You're just looking at names on the table right now. I saw Casey Faye. Okay, look. I saw Betsy Sedaro. I saw mad people there making mad friends. Oh, man. Do you ever read what you've just written? Or do you avoid that? No, I don't even know. I brought entries today. I haven't even read them since I... Oh, okay, gotcha. It just flows out. Do we want to get to these, Tyree? Yeah, you might want to. Look.

Let's pull them up, yeah? Let me open me diary. Open your diary. Oh, these pages. Oh, so many. Here we go. Okay. Dear diary, it's me, Bridget Jones. It was a typical English morning. Woke up to the sounds of rats screaming. Got meself a new job at the local Swimmy Holy. Wore meself a tiny hat.

and showed off me cleavy beavy. When all of a sudden, a kid be choking on Wawa like a little fucking bitch. He was dying on me, just like Princess Diana. Then, eh-eh, mate, clearly this kid was obsessed with me and wanted to plug me poopy puggy. But then again, he wouldn't. Love, Bridget.

Yeah, okay. So you saved someone's life? Because we never got to that part of it. You just were observing the person, made some assumptions about them. Well, somebody else was giving him Heimlich or whatever, saving his life and all that. But in the meantime, I'm like, wow, he's really trying to get me attention. Do you have a second entry that you can... Yeah, you want me to keep going? Yeah, I'd love for you to keep going. Wow. For approximately one more until we take a break. I love being positive with you. Yeah, I love it. Did I...

It's me, Bridget Jones. Go English morning. Woke up to the sounds of pigs fucking. Got meself a new job at the local pub. Wiping up spilly drinkies with me proppy titties. When all of a sudden, a man be having a heart attack like a little fucking asshole. He was dying on me, just like the queen did when she died. Then it hit me. Clear.

this man was obsessed with me and wanted to peeky me blinders and dunk me chunky dunk. Then again, who wouldn't love veg?

Hmm, very similar structure. I mean, I'm crying. What do you mean similar structure? It's almost like a plug in the gaps kind of. I have a question. Yeah. What does it mean? It hit me. Oh, okay. It's the dialect. You're from...

Thank you. Oh, right. Yes. Oh, yeah. You have more entries in your diary. We have to take a break, but I promised that we were going to read some more. Did you really want to? I really did. Yeah. What else do you have here? Oh, I definitely want to. Yeah, one more. I could give you one more right now. Just one more. All right. Okay. It's me, Bridget Jones from Bridget Jones's Diary. It was a typical English morning. Woke up to the sounds of orphans dying.

Got myself a new job at Buckingham Palace, waking up King Charles for brekkie, dry toast and a side of stinky dick. When all of a sudden, Chuck began to choke on his stinky dick like a little fucking idiot. He was dying on me, just like J.K. Rowling should have died after she wrote Harry Potter. What?

and ate me. Clearly this man was obsessed with me and wanted to whip me creepy binkies. Then again, who wouldn't love bridge? Sometimes when I listen to these, Bridge,

I worry that instead of diaries, you're buying Mad Libs. The same book of Mad Libs and you're just filling it. Look, honestly, I'd buy it. I'd buy that book of Mad Libs. Do the entries sound the same? Structurally, they sound a little bit different. They follow a similar structure, yeah. Do they? Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, then again, TV shows do if you ever watch Family Matters, which I don't believe I have. I was thinking about Family Matters every single time that I heard those. These are the Family Matters of diaries. Same tone.

Same exact tone. You know how that cop from Die Hard, he was the dad on that, right? Oh, yeah. He would always whip out his flippy disbies. His stunky donkeys. Classic catchphrase. We need to get to our next guest. Oh, man. He is a TV host. We've all seen him on our TV screens over the years.

What else needs to be said about him? It's his first time on the show. This is exciting. We've had Conan O'Brien, who's a TV host on the show before. He's a host. He's a TV show. But this is one of the best. Please welcome the Crypt Keeper. Ha ha ha!

Hello, boys and ghouls. Hi, Crypt Keeper. Hi. Hi, scared talkerman. Bridget Bones. Hack Slade. I love it. I love it. You got two of them. I got two. Both of mine.

Wow. Incredible. Cryptkeeper, I'm a big, big fan. You are, of course, the host of Tales from the Crypt. Tales from the Crypt. And who better to tell us these tales than the actual Cryptkeeper himself? Cryptkeeper. I'm a huge, huge fan, Cryptkeeper. You hosted that show for so many years. Five.

You also just give information in that voice, which I love. Yes, Scott. Now, do you know how you came back from the dead? Yes. You also sound like Jack Kang. Oh. From 227? Mary. Oh.

Jackie from 2 to Heaven. Okay, yeah. Where dead people go. It's kind of creepy. Is Heaven spooky? I mean, it is. It's filled with dead people. So yeah, it's probably... I bet it's spooky as hell. Is it spooky up there? Yes, it is. Did you go to Heaven? Did you go to Hell? I did, but they kicked me out. Oh no, why? Because I asked to be released for my audition. Oh yeah, so it's like...

Constantly asking your manager the waiting job to... And I booked the part. Is that a Bible card? Yeah, what was that one? I've been following every single one somehow, and that one was... I think the good book is the Bible. You decide.

Those aren't good puns when it's the listener asked to decide. Prompt me. I don't know how to prompt you. Okay, you're on a boat and there's a tidal wave coming for the boat. Go. Ooh, a tidal wave. Why did you say prompt me when you can't do it? It was nothing. You're in quicksand. You didn't let me finish. Okay, sorry. We should let you finish. Ooh.

Added new. Ooh, a tidal wave. Looks like this boat will be capsizing. That's exactly what... That's not a pun. Okay. Okay. You didn't let me finish. Okay, sorry, sorry. Please start over from the beginning, though. And please say you're finished when you're finished. It's like saying over on a walkie talkie. Yeah, thank you. Ooh. Back at the beginning. Okay.

It's like he hurt himself. Looks like we'll be capsizing. There's got to be a morning after Poseidon. I'm not interrupting you. He hasn't said he's finished. I haven't. But side note, have you ever seen Poseidon Adventures?

Is that the animated spinoff of Poseidon Adventure? Yeah, it's like the Gremlins, the Legend of the Magwar. Yes, you're a cartoon boy. I'm a cartoon boy. Cartoon boy, yes. Are you done? Because I haven't heard his pun yet. Not yet. I'd love to hear you repeat it again. You have to start over from the beginning. We keep interrupting you. I'm sorry.

A tidal wave. Looks like we'll be capsizing. There's got to be a morning after Poseidon. More like Podidon.

Yeah, there we go. Yes. All right. You got there. That was mad good writing. He hasn't said he's done. Oh, sorry. I did. Oh, you did. Oh, okay. Would you ever consider reading one of her diary entries with your amazing voice? Absolutely. I mean, I think I'd love to, not to take anything away from your diary entries. How about it? I could even pun it up. Okay, so if you see an opportunity for a pun. So the way that I write, it's like Mad Libs, yeah? Yeah, let's see.

Dear Diary. Oh, good. Starting off hot. I love it. It's me, Bridget Bone. Okay, great. Yeah. It was a typical English morning. Good morning because people are dead. With the U. With the U. Yeah, yeah. Woke up to the sound of rats screaming. Nothing changed. Yeah, it's fine as is.

Stet. Got myself a new job at the local swimmy. Holy, holy. Holy, holy. Well, it's weird when you play with religion. Yeah, I mean, I realize that religious imagery is right. I'm just going with like exorcism when I hear anything religious. Wore meself a tiny key to show off my cleavy beavy.

Nothing changes. I get it. When all of a sudden, a kid be choking on Wawa like a little fucking bitch. Now you're just reading. He was dying. Okay. You're just emphasizing words that already exist. Here's my issue, Crypt Keeper.

You start so hot with two out of the gate. Just like Princess Diana. Yes, that's exactly what's in the text. But I literally gave it to you. Hit me. You're just reading. Just general violence. There's no pun with it. He's pointing at himself like, hit me.

Clearly the kid was obsessed with me and wanted to plug my poopy puggy. You're just reading the thing. But then again, who wouldn't? Then you emphasized a word that didn't even have any kind of connotation. Like would. If you were to hit somebody with a tube on a pool. If you were to hit...

People have hit someone with a two by four. That's a good pun. I give it up for that one. So it's gone from spookiness to just kind of general violence. Well, still spooky. Yeah. OK, I guess it's spooky. There we go. Yeah. We have a guest. I think that is germane to your interests.

Crypt Keeper because he's been on the show once before and he is the living embodiment, or not living, but he is the spiritual embodiment of a very famous musician. Please welcome back to the show the ghost of Dr. John. Catch you down in New Orleans. How's everybody going?

That's right, your catchphrase. How's everybody going? Yeah, that's my catchphrase. That's what we say down south in Louisiana. Yeah. It's me that goes to Dr. John. How's everybody going today, Scott? Everyone's going great. How are you? I'm going well. This is Bridget Jones. I'm going mighty good. You're going good? Yeah. Nice. I liked your books.

Thank you. Were you watching us like all ghosts do? Yeah, I just kind of hover above the space in a room and I just kind of like observe before I make myself corporeal. Do you do that in every room or is that just... Like a fart. Yeah, I'm like the world's fart. Yeah. So you're in every room simultaneously. I'm in every room simultaneously, kind of like Santa Claus. Right. And I do watch you masturbate.

Great. Just so you know. When I do it, I'm putting on a show for the ghosts. Yeah. I'm like, hey, you like this? You're very performative, aren't you? You like this ghost? You like this? Very loud. You like this dick ghost? That's what we called it down south. We say, well, I'm going to go upstairs and put on the show for the ghosts. Number eight. Ah, so good. Of course, this is where we coined the immortal phrase, putting on a show for the ghosts.

And later, Carl comes on as Italiano Jones and O.J. Simpson and starts talking to himself as the Crypt Keeper and to the ghost of Dr. John. Just an insane episode. It's insane. So much fun. Very fun. Everyone's just trying to have fun. We all have fun on this. All right. And speaking of having fun, let's listen to commercials. What's more fun than that? God, I love commercials. It's probably...

me saying them i think of them as like little shows yeah just put on just for me yeah that influence my taste yeah because they're very first person they're they're second person they're very much talking to you exactly yeah saying you want this you do this yes you failed at this now you can succeed exactly i second person hardly any books are written in second person i can only think of one bright lights big city yeah same

That's a great one. More books should be written in second person. And about cocaine. Yeah, and about big tall buildings. Oh, I love them. And the 80s. I love it. Oh my gosh, the 80s, I love it. Oh, when everyone was wearing their leg warmers and their hair was so sprayed and everyone, simply everyone liked money and greed was good.

And then also you had Mork from Ork. The main things the 80s were known for. We didn't talk about the guys, the A-team. But...

But, uh, by the way, when I watched Jack Quaid on the boys, I assumed it was an 18 reboot and they just changed it to the boys instead of guys to modernize it tomorrow. Yeah, exactly. But it turned out it was about a bunch of other assholes, but yeah, but anyway, we're going to take a break. Um, when we come back, um, we're going from the eighties, meaning number eight to the seventies, meaning number seven. That's right. We're going to come back. We'll be right back with more comedy. Bang, bang after this. Yeah.

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welcome back thanks you're well uh i can't say you're welcome to you to a thanks to you well i said i can't say you're welcome to you here's the thing i said you're welcome then you said thanks that's the opposite how of how it's supposed to go usually you say you're welcome after a thanks well you didn't say you're welcome oh that's right what did i say welcome back welcome and i said thank you but i mumbled your you're welcome back

We're talking about Mumbled York? My favorite genre of cinema? My favorite gay Hogwarts instructor who learned how to transport shit from the floors. I'm glad we got two of them in. We each had our own. By the way, J.K. Rowling, that notorious turf, it's bad enough what she's got going on with that whole thing. But the fact that she's got to talk about wizard's

shitting on the floor all the time why why why make that up you know what human beings they would shit they wouldn't just shit on the floor and then make it disappear with rags they would go find a place why would you just like wizards would yes well are there is she talking about caveman times why would you shit on the floor it's by the way this sounds so insane to me and i just took it as fact did she actually say this at some point i don't know i think she did

I feel like she did, but now I'm worried it's a Berenstain Bears situation. I'm going to look up J.K. Rowling shitting on the floor. I'm going to do a Google image search. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, J.K. Rowling reveals that wizards used to just shit on the floor like dogs. What the fuck? But...

That's the AV Club headline. That's from four years ago. Just an insane person. That's, I mean, before all of what, everything that's going on with her now, we should have just been like, JK? Yes. Time to take a little break, hey. You should put, everything should be in perspective with that story. It's like, oh, I see. She's mentally ill. Yes. Her brain is damaged. Yes. It's not that much different than anyone who gets that amount of money from your Kanye's to your JK's.

From Kanye to JK, money makes you crazy. Ah, boy. But you know what? I wish she had just kept being crazy with stuff like that and just kept popping up to tell new parts of Harry Potter than what she's currently doing and just been like, by the way, the wizards you see urinate in each other's mouths. And then they would do a memory wipe spell so they would all forget it. Okay, JK, thank you. You're not bothering anyone. Go back to bed.

That's a scary thing to be said. If you find yourself in a situation where you're saying you're not bothering anyone, that's a scary situation. No, you're not bothering anyone. You're not bothering anyone. Just go back to bed.

Oh my gosh. It's the Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2023. It sure is. Part 3. And let's get to it. This is your choice for episode number 7. Number 7. All right, episode number 7. This is 832. Episode number 832. Wow. From October 1st of this year. Wow. Of last year. No. Of this year.

Of this year? 2024? Oh, yeah. Yeah, idiot. I fucking, you fucking walked right into it. You fucking tool. Okay, so you're one of these people who on January 1st. Yeah, go ahead. And you give no quarter. Nope.

None asked for, none given. The only way on the fact that it just turned into 2024. And people like hanging out with you? Why do we bother having years? I don't know. Wait, I don't know either. Why do we? I mean, we all know it's not 2023 or whatever. We all know it's not the previous year. Shit. I mean, just say whatever you want, I guess. I never thought about it that way before. Oh, no. My whole world's crumbling. Oh, no. This is the only thing he enjoyed. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Come back.

Anyway, it's 2023. My life's one joy. No, it's 2023 now. I'm giving you an opportunity. You're trying to tempt me back into it. Yeah, yeah. It's actually 2024. Oh, I'm so stupid. Oh, don't. I'm a dummy. I'm a big dummy. Hey, are you okay? Back to bed now. You're not bothering anyone. You're not bothering anyone.

October 1st of 2023. This is an episode called Cockroach Hell. Yes. This is the start of spooky season and what better way to kick it off than with this insane episode. That's right. So who do we have? This is an episode that had no celebrity on it. This was during the strike and couldn't get even an author or a podcaster on the show. Real sad shit. So we just had an all character episode. Boo.

Some people prefer them. In this episode, previous to the clip we're going to hear, Paul, you debuted a new character, Dolores Brainwater. Right. I forgot about that. Tell us about Dolores Brainwater. Let's see what I remember. She was a nice old lady. Sure.

And she runs a dancing school. She's a ballroom dancing instructor. Ballroom dancing instructor. She made a fortune dancing. Because she used to have a partner and he died. He died. And so then she did the dressing half of her body up as a woman, half of her body up as a man. And somehow did a two-person dance. Right. And was very successful at that.

Yes. And also you like mash. I'm reading. I don't know. Our husband disappeared. Right. And she, then she heard that he was on. I don't. That's all I can recall. Okay. Then we also have, this is the first appearance of Mitra Johari.

Was that her first time on the show? This is her first time in the countdown. Right, right, right. It might have been her first time on... Well, no, she was herself on a show early on when she had a podcast called

Uh, she was Joel Kimboos. Yes. So she was, she was a celebrity guest, uh, uh, maybe a hundred episodes back. Um, but this year she started doing characters and I think this might've been her first time. Um, she was playing Casey from Ohio, but in the clip that we're going to hear, this is, I think the clip that everyone voted for. We're going to hear from Lisa Gilroy, uh,

as Cockroach Rick. And let's say no more about it. Let's just listen to it. This is your choice for episode seven. Number seven. Okay, well, we have one more guest. We have a concerned citizen. Oh? Yeah, we'll find out about what they are concerned. Let's welcome them to the show for the first time. Please welcome Cockroach Rick. Well, thanks. Yeah, it's me, Rick. Rick the Roach Man Rocker.

The Littlest Roach is the biggest cock and harder to go than a love to rock. That's a lot of information. I'm sorry. Let's slow down. Let's go back. Okay, you have a big cock. I heard that. The Littlest Roach. Hello, Roach Scott. Living in your house, Scott. Try to kill me. Are you a roach? You're a cockroach? Oh, you are a cockroach. I'm a cockroach, but I'm wearing jeans. What?

A cockroach wearing jeans with a big cock and you love to rock? I love to rock and roll, yeah. Oh, okay. Got a band. Oh, you have a band. So you're a talking cockroach? How did that come to be? Walk the walk and the talk the talk. Oh, I see. Little's Cockroach was the biggest cock and Heart of Gold loved to rock. Okay, Heart of Gold loved to rock. Louis Cockroach was the biggest cock? Little's Cockroach. With the biggest jeans.

Yeah, your jeans are too many sizes too big. Jinko jeans for cockroach. Wow, thanks. Yeah. Well, welcome. How did you learn how to talk? You said you learned to talk the talk and walk the walk? Every cockroach can talk in cockroach hell. Are you from cockroach hell? Of course, baby. That's where all the cockroaches are from. You tried to kill me, Scott. Fuck you. Oh, wait. So cockroaches are not alive on Earth? No. They're alive somewhere else, then they go to hell, then they come back? We're the children of Beetlejuice, Scott.

That show that Lauren Boebert got her tits felt up at? Yeah, that's the one. That Anthony King co-wrote? Everybody gets their tits out for Beetle. I would hope that that would start a big trend at Beetlejuice performances where people are just like, hey, let's get our tits out. You know what? I think it should be at every performance. Yeah. I think you should see people getting their tits out, people getting hand chops. I think Beetlejuice should start showing his tits. Beetlejuice should be in every show. Beetlejuice should be in every show of Beetlejuice. I agree.

I came from Beetlejuice's dick. Every 4th of July, Beetlejuice jizzes a cum so big that 50,000 cockroaches run out. And that's how come we're running cockroach hell. And then we come out from under your bed and we live in your house. Scott, you try to kill me. I don't want to try to kill one of my guests. You try to kill me. All right, here we go. Hey, don't, don't. Wait, that's your defense, but you're saying don't? Don't. Ow. I didn't want to. Don't.

Okay, I won't. I won't. I won't. You squashed my cock, Scott. I'm sorry. You had the biggest cock, too. Alert. Alert. How did that happen? It's on Do Not Disturb. Do not disturb me, Scott. You try to kill me. I've been running around your house for 110 days, which is the average lifespan of a cockroach. Okay. Okay. What are you doing here? I'm running for president. Oh.

What's your platform? Well, up your skirt, up your tits. Remember me. Give me a kiss. Cockroach man. Let my band play at your wedding. Come on, Scott. You want to be president so that your band can play at everyone's wedding? Yeah. I only want to be president, vice president, prime minister, king of hell and cockroach hell. But I need the humans to vote for me because Regis Philbin has been the king of hell for years. Oh, I don't want to use slurp him.

I think it's usurp. Do slurp it, Scott. Was he the king of hell when he died? Or the king of cockroach hell? Regis Philbert is the king of cockroach hell. Okay, how did that happen? Well, he came down our way. Did he get lost? He was just like a random nobody in regular hell. Yeah, but you can be a big celebrity in cockroach hell if you want. Why did he go to hell? It's easier to get famous there. Well, I don't know why he went to hell in the first place. That's between him and Christ.

Oh, maybe he didn't accept. If you don't say Christ's name when you die, you go to hell. And if you really don't say it, you go to cockroach hell. Oh, shit. Okay, I got to say Christ's name. If you don't say it, but you think it, you go to hell. But if you don't even think it, you go to cockroach hell. What about if you're in one of those car accidents where you're decapitated by something coming through your windshield? Final destination hell? Yeah. That's where you go.

Oh, okay. Cockroach Hell isn't so bad. You can be little. You can run up skirts. Tits. You guys were talking tits. Cockroach is all tits. We were talking tits, yeah. Every cockroach has a chariot of booger tits and nipple hair. And nipple hair is a guitar in Cockroach Hell. This doesn't sound half bad, honestly. It's not bad. You guys should come check it out. Check out my band. Wait, your band only plays in Cockroach Hell? We can play here if you want. Are you getting married?

No, I don't even think I'm renewing my vows. You tried to kill me, Scott. You asked me to. I wanted to live in your house. You want my cock, Scott? I squashed it already. Why would I want it? I'm the littlest roach with the biggest cock in the heart of gold. I love to rock. I feel like the heart of gold isn't coming into play as much. We're not hearing that side of you. Oh, okay. Let me try. Let me try.

These words of my own from the heart of gold. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you. Is that Heart of Gold? I'm sold. I've been to Hollywood. I've been to Redwood. You keep on searching for a heart of gold cocktail. So y'all do covers? No. Original. We wrote all those songs. So Neil Young's Heart of Gold you wrote?

Yes. And he came for a brief stint in Cockroach Hill. You can visit. I believe it. You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave. I think it's the opposite. You tried to kill me, Scott. Look, I'm sorry. You asked me to. Is it because I ran up your wife's leg? And you got jealous because you never touched your wife's leg? I did not know you ran up. I think I touched it once. Come check out my band. I got Coach the Rich Man Bitch Butterfly on guitar. I got Scuttle the Butterbean on sax.

I got Ripper the Crunchy Tit on drums and me, Rich the Roach Man, Sax on drums. Sax on drums? It's all drums kind of vibe. It's kind of a bingo, bingo, Dodge Durango type of band. This doesn't sound good. I don't know any of those people, first of all. Of course you don't, Scott. You're so high and mighty in your big famous world, huh? I live in your house. I live in your floorboards. I come into your Pop-Tart closet and I eat your crumbs. Is that where my Pop-Tarts have gone? That's where they're going, baby.

Look, I don't know. I don't want to check out your band. I mean, it sounds bad. Fuck you, man. You tried to kill me. Ow, ow, don't, don't. I'm still trying to kill you. You're disgusting. I think roaches, look, I'm sorry. I think roaches are disgusting. Yeah, because you're jealous of me because I touched your wife's shins. I don't think it's jealousy. Oh, Scott, guess what? She shaves. Her shins are smooth as hell and you wouldn't know.

I guess not, but... You tried to drown me in the bathtub, Scott. You were in the bath. You were sleeping. I was trying to choke you out. I put all my weight on your Adam's apple hoping you'd stop the breathing. Look, I fall asleep in the bath, sure, but that's no reason to try to choke me out. And then you just thought there was a scratch on your neck so you grabbed me and you held me underwater.

Look, yes. And now I'm back from cockroach hell. Is that why it's so hard to kill cockroaches? Because you go to hell and then you always come back? And everybody's wives have fallen in love with us. I guess so. I mean, I've noticed Cool Up is a little distant. What is going on? Uh-oh, uh-oh.

I've turned on Do Not Disturb. It's on. You keep saying that, but it keeps happening. What is happening here? You don't know what you're doing. You want us to know that you're popular? Yeah, I'm getting a few things. It's mine. It's my cockroach seashell phone. And the other cockroaches from Cockroach Hell are hitting me up because they're like, oh, Scott. And some of them want to see your dick. They don't want to see my dick. Yeah, they do. Because a lot of my cockroach friends have been in your jeans. Really?

Really? Yeah. And you didn't even know. When you stay up late at night eating your popcorn, Pop-Tarts from a Pop-Tart cupboard, and you get all those crumbs on your belly button, we're there. Why do you think they're gone in the morning? It's like leaving cookies out for Santa. Stop telling people what I do at night, okay? Yeah, it's a little embarrassing. Yes, I eat Pop-Tarts at night, and yes, they leave a lot of crumbs on my belly. Your belly button is the size of a cereal bowl. Don't tell people that. It's huge. It's an extreme innie. It's a crater, man. You should come on botch.

Do you think they could fix it? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm worried they'll just give me an Audi. No, they just drag all the skin a little to make a smaller hole for that. Plus, you should be lucky to have an Audi. What are you driving, a Honda? In Cockroach Hell, we drive Booger Chariot. I already established. Well, look, Cockroach Rick...

You're a very interesting person. Wow, thanks. You're not a person, though. You're a cockroach. I'm a cockroach with jeans. In jeans, yeah. In jeans that are too big for you. They're sliding down to your ankles. They're your jeans, Scott. You know, I tricked your wife into thinking that I was you. I dragged your jeans around the bedroom floor and she said, Scott, you're home early. I really wish you had stopped doing all this kind of stuff, especially to cool off. She just wants to be left out. She doesn't want any part of this show.

So to have guests coming around and pretending to be me, it's just, it's not ideal. Sorry, but she fell for it pretty easy. Yeah, she would fall for something like that. That's what she thinks of you. You're invisible, tired, dragging pants on the floor. I get it. But she just wants, she wants. And we made love, Scott. What? Oh, no. Yep. And she actually said it was better than usual. She went after it. She said, wow, thanks.

Shit. This is like a revenge of the nerd style assault. It truly is. Number seven. Yeah. Cockroach Rick. When you say people voted for that clip, I, I, you feel like this is the reason that the reason people voted for the episode. Yes. I think, I mean, it's, I think people, sometimes people vote just for a section of the episode and you can tell, uh,

I feel like this is one of the ones that was so good on a whole. The fact that Cockroach Rick is the thing that everyone kind of remembers from it. They wouldn't vote for it if it was like a terrible episode. Of course not. But I get a sense. Sometimes what we'll try to do is we'll try to read back like reactions of people and what they really liked. And I think that people would like to hear that clip. We try to play the clips that people want to hear. Sure. But yeah, that was Cockroach Rick. That was Cockroach Rick.

And we'll see if the saga of Cockroach Rick continues. I don't know whether there's much more to say about him, but... I would say don't count him out. That's right. And don't count us out because we're going to come back. We're only halfway through this particular episode. When we come back, if we come back, that is...

We're going to get into your choice for episode six. We are getting so low in these numbers. It's exciting. It's gross. No, it's gross. That's what I was going to say, too. It's so gross. When we come back, oh, man, you're going to be disgusted. We're going to be so low with these numbers. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2023, part three. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days, days of hard work.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Welcome back. We're Best of Comedy Bang Bang 2023 Part 3. Yeah. And... Now it's confusing because we're in 2024.

And we keep talking about 2023, but that's because the nature of the show is we're looking back at 2023. Yeah. Now look, honestly, would I rather be doing the best of 2024 right now? Yeah. Yeah, man. Cause you haven't heard it yet. So all these clips would be new to you. Yeah. And you'd be like, oh shit, I can't wait for this episode to come out. You'd be like a dumb baby. Yeah.

Babies are so dumb. They're so stupid. I have one. Yeah. And I mean, now she's a toddler, but man. Still. Still. I mean, like when do people get smart? 17. And then they get really smart. Yeah. All the best decisions in my life I made when I was 17 years old.

Well, this is one of the best decisions I think our listeners ever made is voting on this episode. Let's get to it. This is your choice for episode number six. Number six. All right. Episode number six, Paul. This is the number of the episode is 800. 800.

810. Yeah. That feels about right. It does feel right because I just said it. Yeah. 810. This is from April 30th of 2023. Yeah. Right. So what do you think this might be? I think this is the one where everyone goes to the moon and has the pizza party. No, very close. Shit.

Very close when you say everyone, because this happens to be the 14th anniversary show. Oh, dear. That's right. Another one of our big, we do it on the anniversary shows and the holiday episodes where I invite a ton of people and everyone cycles through. Literally. Yeah. On bicycles. Yeah, and unicycles sometimes. Everyone learned how to ride a unicycle this year. That's why everybody falls asleep after the show so fast. Did you notice everyone learned how to ride unicycles just this year? Yeah. Like no one ever rode one. And no one talked about it.

And then this year, just everywhere you look, oh, that person's writing in unicycle. This person. Oh, and then it's just like, and then you learned how. Yeah. And then you did. Yeah. And what a strange phenomenon. Isn't it weird? And no one's talking about it. And then everyone kind of like forgot about it. Yeah. And stopped doing it. Yeah. And never mentioned it until just now. I know. It's so strange. It's weird. This is the 14th anniversary show. Let me tell you who's on it. Please. Jason Manzoukas. I know.

Andy Daly, Paul F. Tompkins, Jessica McKenna. Jessica McKenna, I mean. Jessica McKenna. Jessica McKenna. Sean Diston, Drew Tarver, Lisa Gilroy, Lily Sullivan, Tim Baltz, Carl Tartt, Will Hines, Dan Lippert.

This is another one of those big, long episodes. So we're going to hear a selection of clips from it. The first thing we're going to hear, Jason Manzoukas is the co-host with me. Jason Manzoukas, people know from he has his own podcast, How Did This Get Made? He's a great friend of the show. He's been on it ever since the early days. He is on co-hosting with me. And the first clip we'll hear is Andy Daly.

comes on as Hot Dog, his character Hot Dog. That's right. Hot Dog is a Sha Na Na enthusiast who, well, a water skiing enthusiast who loves the band Sha Na Na and has tried to get into Sha Na Na.

As well as get them into the rock and roll hall of fame. Yes, and there's a lot of lore about it. Listen to every single episode that we've done about it over the years. Then we're going to hear, Paul, you debut a character named Fred Guinness on this episode, and we're going to hear from him. I don't remember what I was originally going to do. This was unplanned. You were going to be someone else, and you...

Usually at the beginning of each episode, I ask people, okay, what character, what's your name? And how do I describe you? What that mouth do. What that mouth do. That's all I want to know. And you gave me whatever name it was. And then suddenly it comes up in the episode that...

And you'll hear it that we needed to figure out who had the world's record for something. And you volunteered to be Fred Guinness. I volunteered. You just kind of jumped in as Fred Guinness and then decided to be him for the entire episode. Yeah, yeah. Talk to me about Fred Guinness. What is he like? Because he just, was he just on? He was just on the holiday episode again. He's a nice enough fellow.

Uh, his, uh, he has no, he had no preexisting relationship to the Guinness book. The name is just a coincidence, but then he took over the Guinness book of world records and moved to, uh, Dublin. Yeah.

So we're going to hear the inception of this character, and then you can listen to his next. I think you did two more appearances after that. I believe so, yes. So then those are the first couple of clips. Then in between that, Sean Diston comes on as Rudy North, so you'll hear him in the next clip. The next clip that we're going to hear is we're going to hear from Drew Tarver and Lisa Gilroy as two characters known as the...

Pigshit Twins. This is the debut of the Pigshit Twins. The debut of the Pigshit Twins. All right, let's hear it. This is your choice for episode number six. Number six. Jason, we got to get to our guest. Holy cow. Our first guest. That was so informative. Yeah, you're going to be here to back me up this entire program. Absolutely, let's do it. Okay, let's do it. I'm thrilled to be here celebrating this 14th anniversary. Well, you know, I, by the way, I never credited our, oh no, not a vampire, said our

catchphrase submission it's not going to stick but uh our old catchphrase what's up hot dog of course oh no uh uh i really how did you not see that coming no hot dog hey what's going on you guys hey what's going on you conjured me what's happening i

Where were you just now? I was at the Sunglass Hut. But I got a five-minute break coming to me this afternoon. Oh, you were working there. You were working a shift? I work at the Sunglass Hut down in Huntington Beach. Shouldn't it be Sunglasses Hut? That's interesting. No. No.

Isn't that the first question you get to every person who walks in there? That's not the first question we get. The first question we get is, is this the sunglass hut? And you say yes. And then the second question is, shouldn't it be sunglasses? So upon arrival, most people do want confirmation that this is the sunglass hut.

Yeah, they want to make sure they know where they are so they're not asking somebody at Kenny's Kettle Corn whether it should be sunglasses. And that, Kenny's Kettle Corn, I've seen that place. That's all K's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not cool. What do you mean? They should shut that down. Yeah. It's a front. The K's are all big and red and the other letters are all smaller and a different color. And the employee uniform, those hoods.

But they're really nice guys. They really are. Kenny's a sweetheart. He really is. Oh, I bet he is. Don't get him going. Certain topics, don't get him going. So Hot Dog, what have you been up to? We haven't seen you in a long time. Man, I've been busy. You know, I've been water skiing. I've been innovating, as always, out there on the ski. What are you skiing on nowadays? These days, I've been trying to ski on toothpicks, lighters.

Oh, like bundled together? No, I've been trying to. Just on one? You're trying to go smaller and smaller? That's my thing, man. I'm trying to ski on the small. I'm trying to get into the Guinness Book of World Records. And, of course, as always, trying to get into the Water Skiing Hall of Fame, which now, as you know, has changed its name to the Water Board Sports Hall of Fame, which is fucking bullshit. I don't know why we would know that. We definitely don't know that. It's down there in Polk, Florida, the Water Board Sports Hall of Fame. Did you say Pulp, Florida? Pulp.

WLK, man. WLK. Like our famous president. I'm sorry. Yes, of course. James H.? James L.? Yeah. Sure. Now, I'm not going to bother them until I'm skiing on toothpicks, but right now I'm working down to it. Yeah, what have you gotten down to with this? Because for a while you were skiing on meat. Yeah. Have you ever done chopsticks? No, I should have done chopsticks. Seems like maybe an in-between spot. Well, no. Mystery in between. I don't know.

I was skiing. What? Mr. Inbetween? Yeah. Don't mess with that guy. Okay. All right. Good. Please. I've been trying. I've been skiing on rulers, just classic wooden rulers. I'm up to that now. Ones with inches or with centimeters? You know what? They have both. Great question. Thank you. One side is inches. The other side is centimeters. Yeah. It's wild. The metric system. Why don't we switch over to the metric system? I think we tried and people couldn't handle it. Yeah. It was riding in the streets. Yeah.

Was that what those riots were about a few years back? What are you talking about? The 1994 L.A. riots? No, I was thinking of the 2020 riots. Oh, the 2020 riots? Listen, that's one of the topics you should not get Kenny's ketticorns going on. He doesn't want to talk about it. The Celsius riots of 2021? Right.

Yeah, man. Yeah, so your own rulers. How's that going? No, now, rulers was, it was very, very tricky. It was really hard, but I know exactly how big my feet are, but I'm not going to reveal it. Okay. I'm not telling you. God, I would love to know. Can you just whisper? Oh, that's like, I almost want to know how long and wide they are more than I want to see them. Yeah. Maybe you should. No, you want to see my feet, man. What if you tried skiing on one of those things that measures your feet in a shoe store? It's called a Brannock device. A Brannock device? What?

know that man

I might own a few. Why do you do that? Listen, I'll come around. I'll measure feet all day long. Attention, WikiV. This guy's got the stats. I got my own Brannock device and I'm just going around measuring feet. Like a real cool dude. It's not creepy if you've got a Brannock device. Interesting. Yeah, but Brannock was a creep. Oh, really? Should we cancel Brannock? Cancel Brannock, man. What'd he do? Um...

You know, that's my new private detective TV show, Brannick. Okay. And he just goes around. He finds a footprint. He does foot-related crimes. He solves it all with feet. I literally watched a Columbo the other day, which was all about like, this is so weird. It rained last night. There's no footsteps in the mud over here. This is your Natasha Lyonne? Yeah, exactly. Doing Columbo.

So anyway, my idea, I'm going to be skiing on the smallest water skis of all time, and it's going to be toothpicks. What are the smallest currently? What's the record? Yeah, the smallest currently is just child that children have water skied on child size commercially available. It sounds to me like the rulers are already smaller.

You've done it. Great news. Congrats. You did it. I know, I know, I know. But with the rulers, you've done it. Why is everybody laughing at Hot Dog?

What do you mean? What do you mean, everybody? It's just us. Well, I have the Guinness Book on the horn right now. No, no, no, no, no. We're saying congratulations. Wait, wait, wait. Do not, do not. Guinness Book. Oh, no. Hey, how are you? Have you been listening to the show, Mr. Guinness? I've been on hold. Why did you call me? We have a new world record that was just achieved. Oh. Someone water skied on rulers. Wait a minute.

Like regular rulers from school? Yes. Exactly. With centimeters on the other side? And inches. Well, yeah, inches is the given. So are you ready to give him the world record? Let me just check my files. Okay, looks like the current record is, well, it's just some kid, you know, water skis.

commercially available child side water skis who's there oh hi hot dog do you know this guy hot dog hot dog yeah of course i know hot dog he calls me morning noon and night he's constantly trying to set water skiing records

Well, he's that one. I guess he's skied on rulers. Well, you guys have a new thing where you don't encourage people to do dangerous things. And so the fact that I am the man who introduced firearms to water skiing and that I am capable of water skiing through lava. That's right. We call these dark records.

By the way, have you ever done it? You say you're capable of it. I know I'm capable of it and I'm waiting until there's a strong enough incentive to do it. You watched that documentary Fire of Love and you were like, I could totally water ski that magma flow. I can definitely water ski a magma flow. When I see that Revenge of the Sith, all I want to say is Anakin, water ski it, man.

Well, hot dog, I have good news for you. What? We're putting you at the top of the list for this record. Appending our investigations, of course. For the smallest water skis of all time? That's right. What do you usually do in an investigation like this? We send a field team out to see if it's true. Forensics? Forensics. We talk to the locals. We gather anecdotal evidence as well. So you'll be sending a team out to Huntington Beach where- They may already be.

Well, here's my concern. I didn't want to alert the Guinness Book of World Records until I was down to toothpicks because I don't want to do that thing where somebody breaks the record for the greatest number of cigarettes smoked by 101 cigarettes and then somebody else goes and smokes 102. And they only had the record for a minute. So I wanted to get down to something unbeatable so as not to draw competition. Wait, hold on.

Wait, he's on call waiting? Are we hearing his side of the... What happened? I'm back. Bad news. What's going on? Somebody just set a record for water skiing on the little half ruler, the six-inch one. Oh, no. The child's ruler? Yeah.

The plastic ones? The little plastic ones. It's red, probably. Oh, I'm so sorry. Little Red Rulers? Little Red Rulers. Oh, Hot Dog, have you skied on Little Red Rulers? I've never skied on anything red in my life. Wait, why? What about the meat? Why? Because it is... I don't want to attract sharks, asshole! Sounds like the hot dogs themselves are red. Those were white meat? You think hot dogs are red? Those were white meat? Are you going to give cartoon hot dogs? Because they're red as hell.

Well, I gotta go. Great talking with you guys. Also, what was your name? My name? Fred Guinness. Fred Guinness. Holy shit. Fred Guinness himself. Fred Guinness. Please don't call us up anymore. I have a feeling we're going to call a bunch. You called me, left me on hold. I can't believe this. You've just set a record for rudest guy I've ever spoken to. Am I in the book? Click!

Well deserved. Wow. He clicked you hard, bro. He clicks me so fucking hard. All right, let's get to our next guest. They've never been on the show before. I don't know anything about them, but please welcome the Pigshit Twins. Hello, Scott. Happy birthday. Oh, God. Oh, no. Wait, happy birthday to you? Happy birthday to us.

Happy birthday to you. It's your birthday. It's our anniversary show. I thought you were singing happy birthday to me, but it's happy birthday to you. Oh, these are kids. Oh, boy. These are children called the Pink Shit Twins. And your names are Clem and Pearl? Clem.

Clem and Pearl. Big shit. How y'all doing? Doing really good. So you were born on the day of our first episode? Oh my God. That's right. You are daddy. Oh, I don't know about that. I don't know about that. You're our dad. Punish us. Why don't you spank our pootie? Oh God. You better do it. I mean, I guess I should. We need discipline. Oh, oh, thank you. You're welcome. Thank you. I'd oink a

Can I ask y'all? Even it up. I gotta ask y'all weirdos a question. Yeah. Your name is Clam and Pearl. Clam and Pearl. What's the story behind the name? What is it? We named each other. I named him and he named me Pearl because I broke all my teeth. You broke your teeth on a pearl? I'm so sorry. I look like a shell and she has no teeth.

And so you didn't have a name until you were old enough to have teeth to break on a pearl. I was born with teeth. He was born in a bar. She was born. Are you guys entertainers? Are you trying to find a song or do you know one? We see these duos that sing sometimes at the Grand Ole Opry. Because we sometimes live in a tuba underneath the stage. Yeah, we sometimes live in a tuba. How big are you guys? Me.

But their butts are big and shiny. Look at our butts, Scott. Big, wet butts. They do have big, wet butts. And that's weird. Red is a hot dog. Red is a hot dog. That's right. Clams, little penises, a corkscrew, piggy squeal.

Oh, boy. We don't want to see that. We'll look at your butts all day. My little penis is a scorched pig's pigtail. So you live in a tube and that's giving you an appreciation. Let her keep going. I'm interested in this. My vagina is a hoof. Look. I don't want to see this. A pig hoof. Yeah, we part pig.

Your heartbeat? Oh, you are. I might be a pig, Scott. That still doesn't explain why you look like a clam. The big part I get. Well, look at my snout. I'm going to open up my shell. Oh, boy. You look like a clean belly, so fat it's bursting at the seams. One old seam down the middle might burst if you poke it. Okay, I'm going to poke it. Woo-hoo!

I felt that. Didn't burst. Oh, yeah, but some briny water did come out. Yeah. Squeed on out his belly button. Feed him something, Scott. I dare you. Here we go. Here we go.

At one end, in the other. Clamette never had a granola bar before. Oh, my God. That's amazing. Oh, my God. Nature Valley? Oh, boy. Is this a sponsor? Are you guys here for Nature Valley granola bars? By the way, are you guys a street team? Oh, hey, Fred. Fred's on the phone. Nature Valley, crumbliest granola bar. That's what I was going to say. They hold the record. No one else is even close. Nature Valley is redoing their granola bar.

They're going to make it stick together now. Oh, really? How do you know this, Clem? I think you're... We have a light sponsor. Oh, you are? Okay. I'm going to do one of those Domino's style apology commercials where they're like, we know we fucked up. That was the best. When Domino's like, look, we heard you. Our pizza sucks ass. It is always sucked ass. Guess what? We promise to make it good.

Yeah, we all partnered with Nature Valley. They do crumbly before they need a little bit of baking grease in there. Oh, God. Hold on, it's crumbly to get it. Oh, boy. Squee. Squee. Squee. Is that what you guys say? They're just grinding on those chairs. Yeah. My butt's itchy. Oh, God. I might need a pounding. Jesus. Your butts are itchy and your hooves need a pounding? She said her vagina was a hoof. Yeah. Hey, not

My feet are also hooves. My hooves are also hooves. Okay, which one needs the pounding? I'll lose. Okay, yeah. Scott, she's 14. Easy, Scott. Easy, Scott. You can spank, but don't touch. What are you guys here for? We've been being bad around here. We've been being bad around here.

Oh, you were bad around town and you ended up here? Yeah. Say no more. We've been poking people with a stick out in front of Target. Yeah, we've been causing them problems. Yeah. You know, I'm surprised you haven't seen us around, Scott. We live in the mud underneath your little house. Oh, I thought you lived in a tuba in the Grand Ole Opry. There's a tuba buried under there. Yeah, there's a tuba in the house. So you split your time by Coastal? Yeah, so every time something bad happened to you, like, oh, you get up and you got a little piece of gum on your shoe, that's a pig. That happened to me this morning. Yeah, that's a pig.

That's us, guys. That's pig shit, twins. Everything bad that's ever happened? Yeah, we've been sneaking into movie theaters and making sure the run time's over two hours. Yeah, we've been

That's on you? How do you do that? How is this accomplished? Because I've been to many movies. That is us. You know how... Slowing down the frame rate? It happens in the movie theater. Movie stars. Every movie has the original editor's cut. Right. You know? Yeah, I follow so far. Yeah.

So we get access to it and we added it. Okay. How do you gain access to the actual film? We're little. You see, we live in a tube where we can crawl inside the fiber tubes that go to the movies. Oh, this makes sense. We're little. We take our shiny little butts and we... I get it. Fiber tubes was the only thing I was missing. That's all I needed to hear. It's classic fiber tube stuff. We squeal our way in and we fucking shit up. We shitter bitch all over this town. Shit.

Y'all are weird. No, we ain't weird. We pig shit. I don't like to say that guests are weird on this show. Like, I hardly ever say it, but you guys are fucking weird. You guys are leaving tuba grease all over the chairs. Benny, tuba grease that hoot. Oh, God.

What is gross about that? What is gross about hoof grease? That's not weird. So your whole thing is hoof grease and clam juice? What is this? You're gross. You knocked the thing off. It went over your shoulder. I don't even want this. You can't hear me. Our whole thing is clam juice.

And two degrees. Knock, knock, knock. Hello. That's fleshed out. We are fleshed out. That sounds pretty fleshed out to me. Number six. Pig shit.

Why did they... I never asked them, why did they decide to do the Pigshit Twins? Because they said, we're going to do these characters we've been doing, the Pigshit Twins. Was it something they were doing backstage at a show? That's what I assume. It must have been. Yeah. Because that'll happen a lot. That happened with some characters that you and Drew do as well, I believe. Wasn't it? We'll talk about that later. But...

Yeah, picture twins. That was a really fun episode. That's, of course, another two and a half hour one, so we can only play a fraction of those clips, but go back and listen to them. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, and if we come back, we're going to crack the top five. This is so exciting. I hope you're not soiling yourself. I hope you're not Soylent Green. I hope you're... Oh, my God. But it is people. Oh, no. Spoilers. If you're listening to this and you're Soylent Green, I'm sorry. Sorry.

What else can I say but I'm sorry. All right. We'll be right back. Are you catching the big game?

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uh best of 2023 part three and look we're in the final stretch here let's i mean i'm so excited about this paul i can't why because i've wanted to crack a top five forever but you've done it before yeah but it was so long ago yeah i hear you it was so long ago i just want to crack another top five i hear you i hear you can do it

Let's do it. Let's hear. This is your episode number five. Number five. All right, Paul. Now, normally when I say what the episode number is, you have no opinion. You just give me a blank, dumb stare. I suppose that does happen. Just like all the intelligence drains from your eyes and you just kind of slack jawed. Look at me and you go. Yeah.

But you cut that out, right? The noise? When I make the noise? Oh, yeah, definitely. Okay, good. Thank you. I appreciate that. But this time I'm going to give you an episode number and I expect you to react in a way with knowledge and with foresight. Okay. This is episode number 800. Are you fucking kidding me? I would not kid about this kind of thing. It's real? It's real. You know, whenever I hear the phrase, it's real. Yeah, what is that? You know what? It's not that I, when I hear the phrase, it's real, but if, if,

Somebody asked me to, if somebody expresses surprise at something, I, in my mind, hear Rich Little as Johnny Carson in that movie, The Late Shift, where he, as Carson announces his retirement, and then he comes off stage and everybody's like, people are blindsided by this. And he looks at them and says, it's real? We've talked about this. And it will not, it's just there. It's never going to leave your brain. It's just in my brain. Here's the thing about The Late Shift. Yeah.

You get Rich Little, one of the most well-known impersonators of all time, to do one of the characters. Yeah. Genius. And then you cast a bunch of dumb assholes in all the other parts that no one's ever heard of. Do you think they cast Rich Little first? And then they said, we got to fill out this cast. Just have Rich Little do everybody. You know he can do it.

Let's remake the late shift with Rich Little as every character. Rich Little now, and he'll do a clumps. He'll do every character. The clumps. They're clumps. They're clumps. They're all one guy.

Yeah, but it is real, Paul. And it's spectacular. It's episode 800 from March 12th of 2023. It's an episode called Operation Golden Orb. And you know this one, Paul. Yeah, I know this one. Hell yeah, you do. This is another entry in the Byron Denniston slash Grizz saga. That's right.

Um, this takes a little explaining, I guess, what this is all about. But, uh, Andy Daly, the comedian, um, we've heard from him already on the, the best ofs. He, uh,

Has been doing... He's been on the show since the beginning. He does several characters, sometimes in the same episode. He's been doing a character, Byron Denniston, who is a royal watcher for maybe a decade now. And that is a character that when you say royal watcher, not meaning someone who just has tabs on the royals and their comings and goings and what they're doing. He's literally in the walls of their house spying on them. Now...

a couple years ago i believe uh yes this is during this is during covid because this was a zoom um he was we we by happen chance we found out happen chance someone said that to me by moment chance he found himself um we found out that uh uh

Part of Byron Dennison's thing is he believes all the royals of the world will soon blast off into space when the Earth is blown up. And he was trying to find out who the most eligible bachelorette who was a royal was and was going to try to date them so that he could have a seat on the rocket ship. And he mentioned...

I sound insane when I'm saying all this, but he mentioned a particular royal who is young and considered to be the most attractive. Lady Amelia Spencer. Yes, right. And we were talking about how he was going to try to date her. And then Jason Manzoukas did a little research while we were talking about it and found out that she was currently dating a...

an english swimming water polo water polo instructor named the grizz and this is on his zoom episode that we're doing and paul you zoom chatted me you had planned on doing a different character and you zoom chatted me hey what if i just did the grizz i was going to be uh sheevil kenevil daredevil that's right

And so no, uh, only I knew this was going to happen because I had been chatted by Paul, but suddenly in the middle of Andy Daly's bit, you came on as the Grizz and it has now spawned several episodes where, uh, the Grizz and Byron Denniston had a water polo competition to the death. That's right. Um, uh,

So, just a lot of insane lore happening on this. This is another Tour de Force episode where Andy and Paul juggle several characters at once.

This time, I believe when we come into these clips, Andy is playing Byron. He started playing Byron. And then I think I force him into playing hot dog at the same time. He didn't plan on that. Right. And Paul, you are going to be Andrew Lloyd Webber because we found out

Before we taped this episode that Andrew Lloyd Webber was going to write a song for the coronation. Right. And so Andrew Lloyd Webber had not been part of this up till now, but now he is part of the Grizz saga. And then of course you play the Grizz as well a little bit later.

We're going to hear several selections from this episode. This is just an incredible one. This is your episode number five. Number five. Let's bring him on. He is a royal watcher. He closely watches the royal family, the monarchy there in England. Please welcome back to the show, Byron Denniston. Thank you. It's wonderful to be here. Great to see you. Great to meet you again. Nice to see you.

again, I'm very interested in speaking with you. I don't care if anyone's interested in listening at all, but I'm glad to be here and glad to be talking to you. I don't care about the other people because, I'll be honest, never before, I feel like in my lifetime, have the Royals been so prominently featured in pop culture. It's extraordinary. What a time to be watching the Royals. Yes, yes. What a time to be staring at them all the time as I do. It's a wonderful time. You were on the show before and you talked about

You were on the show before. I believe I've been on this show before. And we've talked about how you, there is, it's sort of a cottage industry, royal watching out there in England. You do it a little bit differently. Well, I suppose, yes. I,

I would say I do it a bit better than most, you know, most sort of rely on friends of friends as sources and whatnot. And I'm more of a direct source. I find my way into the lives of the royals. Yeah. What's interesting about you, Byron, and you've profiled it. We've talked to you many times as we profiled you in the past, but you are an immersive royal watcher. Oh, that's a good way of putting it. You're not out watching from...

the scrum from the street. You are undercover. You are Donnie Brasco-ing yourself inside of these royals. Was Donnie Brasco undercover or was he the guy that was looking at the people who were undercover going, are you undercover? Sorry, wait a minute. Go again? Whoop, whoop, whoop.

Do it again. Was he the guy who goes undercover? Do his dialogue. I liked when you did his dialogue. Or is he the guy going like, are you undercover? Are you undercover? Or, hey, I'm undercover. The latter. Those are the two choices.

You're either, hey, Donnie, we need you to go into a I'm undercover scenario. Not a, are you undercover? Are you thinking of a departed scenario? That's more of a, are you undercover scenario? I guess. And an I'm undercover scenario. That movie was too many things. Hey, can I ask a question? Yeah, Jimmy, what's up? I mean, what do people say to Donnie Brasco when they ask if people are undercover? Wouldn't they already know who's undercover?

I can't hear you. Come in here. All right. All right. Shimmy, what was your question? Yes, Mike. Wouldn't the people who are standing Donnie Brasco in to find out if people are undercover, wouldn't they already know who's undercover? I'm not saying. Like you say, forget. No, I'm saying is Donnie Brasco the guy going, I'm undercover or is he the mob boss going like, are you undercover? Are you undercover? Yeah.

Oh, he wanted to know which one Brass was. Yes, I'm wondering if he's the model boss. He's got a job to ask people if they're undercover. Yeah, is he Jack Nicholson? Wait, you think Jack Nicholson is in Donnie Brass? No, I'm saying in the departed analogy. Also, who is he telling I'm undercover?

I guess whoever is asking, are you undercover? The film is called Donnie Brasco. Who is Donnie Brasco in Donnie Brasco? Is he the undercover person? Guy undercover or is he the guy going undercover? Donnie Brasco is in the movie saying...

With everything but words, I'm undercover. Okay. So body language? All of his actions, all of his everything is I'm undercover. These mob guys got to read like body language. Oh, yeah, yeah. They should take courses. Al Pacino is the low level. Oh, that's right. That's right. That's I remember this movie now. Yeah. The Undercover? Good stuff.

What else is going on in the coronation? Well, you know, we don't know yet whether Harry and Meghan will attend the coronation. They have been invited, but we don't know yet whether they'll make the trip. Oh, boy. There is going to be a concert and laser light show. Would you like to hear? Yeah, let me guess. Elton John. Yes, Elton John's appearance. God, this guy. He's been described as unavoidable.

Because he was supposed to retire. Yes. And he's been going around on this. This is my last show ever in this particular city. Yeah. And then he does like 800 more shows. I was present when King Charles was asked his opinion of having Elton John perform. And he said, there's no point having an opinion. It will happen, won't it? Seems sort of upset. But there will also be...

A performance by Eric Clapton and Van Morrison. We'll get together. No, good. Wow. Yes, you are kidding. Yes, they will. You are kidding. Like, true modern villains? What do you mean villains? No. They're both deeply anti-vax. These are legends of classic rock and roll. Deeply racist and anti-Semitic things. Well, they're going to be premiering two new songs written for the occasion. Oh, no. One called You Can Keep Your Microchip, Mr. Gates. And another called I'm Not Sorry I'm White. And...

From what I understand, it's going to be a 40-minute set with just those two songs, so we're promised a lot of stage banter. And I heard that Van Morrison is rewriting one of his songs to be Blue-Eyed Girl. Oh, my. Blonde-haired and blue-eyed girl. Blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl. Yes, yes. He's rewriting a bunch of the oldies. There will also be Morrissey, Roger Waters, and fresh out of Wandsworth Prison, Gary Glitter. Oh!

So wait, King Charles is going to pardon Gary Glitter? No, you know, he was released. Oh, he's out now. He was released a month ago. I did read that. I did read that. He was released into the care of Prince Andrew and the two of them have just been shuttling back and forth between Bangkok and London ever since. They're all researching a book with Pete Townsend. Yes, research. Townsend will be there, of course. The Pointer Sisters performing Neutron Dance, of course. Oh, okay, great. Are they going to stop before they say dance? What?

Probably, yes. Okay, good. That's about it. There is an effort to get some more LGBT plus performers involved, but the king has said preferably not boy George. But he's willing to have him there if need be. I wonder why. I don't know. There's been some talk of having the alive members of Dead or Alive.

Right. People who fall in that column. Right. Yes. Yes. Apparently, yes, that band cannot be booked dead or alive, as their title says. They won't have the dead one. Yeah. Interesting. Well, I mean, this is quite a celebration. It's going to be wonderful. Are you going to be there? I will absolutely be there. Well, not yet. There's another band called Sha Na Na that will be there. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. A band called the Light Fandango, which is a Moody Blues tribute band. Hold on. Go backwards. Go backwards. Yes. Say less.

That Sha Na Na is going to be there? A band called Sha Na Na will be there. And you said that the Light Fandango is a moody blues tribute band? That's right, yes. Not a Proko Harem tribute band? Well, it doesn't really matter. So they don't even know the music that they're tributing.

It's maybe not the tribute the Moody Blues would have wished for. So they sing Proko Harum songs as a tribute to the Moody Blues. Yes, that's what it is. They must be very honored. I hope the Moody Blues are sitting there having to listen to it too. And Eric Clapton and Van Morrison will join them for A Whiter Shade of Pale. Oh, man.

Now, before the break, you said you had some exciting news about who was going to perform at the coronation. Yes. Do you know Prince Charles? I do. Yes. He's the guy who's going to be king. Well, he is king. I'm sorry. I misspoke. King Charles III is a tremendous fan of cats.

And he of the musical, not the animals. Does he like the animals? I don't think so at all. No. Weird to like the musical without liking the animals. Well, I think he feels that the musical takes the piss out of the animal a bit. But I wonder if people are allergic to the musical at all. You don't also have to take the piss out of the animal. The animal will get rid of it. Yeah. Yeah. Boy, we've learned that the hard way here. Oh, yeah. The Ackerman compound. Oh, my God.

But the composer of Cats is a fellow by the name of Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, and he has been asked... I hate to interrupt. What? But he is not a sir. Oh. He's a lord. A lord? That's what I said. What did you say? Oh.

Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. What? No, I said Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. Oh, maybe you're confused because maybe you said Andrew Lord Webber or something. I think you must have said sir. But he's a lord and he has been asked by King Charles to compose an original song for the event of the Corinth

Wow, that's exciting news, I guess. For one of the cats? I don't know if it'll be, I don't know anything about it. Yeah, will it be James Corden as the cat? But you know who I've brought along to explain it? Who? The Lord himself! Oh my gosh! Andrew Lloyd Webber! Hello, Thorfinn! As I live and breathe! My dear boy, how long has it been since we laid eyes upon each other?

Can you say, and now I'm done, after every sentence? And now I'm done. Okay, thank you so much. I couldn't even tell you. At least a year or so, right? Yes, at least a year. And now I'm done. And now I'm not done. Okay. Now you can't force it there, boy. You cannot force it. I can't force it, and now I'm done? You can't force it, now I'm done. We are reunited, and it feels so good.

Now I'm done. Okay, thank you so much. Well, it's so wonderful to see you, Lord Webber. Wonderful to see you. I'm Jason Manzoukas. Wow, what a delight. I don't think we've ever met, and it's an honor. You've never been on the show? Of course we've met, my friend. Of course we've met. Well, I mean, we hang out together. Yes, we do. An email went around some time ago where everyone was meant to be BCC'd, but we were CC'd, and that is how I came to have Andrew Lloyd Webber's email address. Oh.

And so I email him all the time. And on this occasion. Wait, who was sending that email? Neil Armstrong. Neil Armstrong. Neil Armstrong.

Boy, the people he knows. No, I know. Yeah. Yes, the American astronaut. Right. You're an American astronaut. One of the star sailors. Why was he emailing you, if you don't mind me asking? He wanted me to write a song about the moon. Oh, really? And he accidentally copied his entire address book. He was older, so, you know, it makes sense. He hit A and everything else filled in. Did you end up writing the song?

Yes, I did. Wow. Can we hear a little bit? Absolutely.

Open the sky, there sits an orb. We see it every night. It looks upon us with remorse. It does not understand our plight. The moon cries for you. The moon sheds a tear. The moon cries.

It flows on a tissue looking down at your fair. And then the trumpets come in and then the saxophones and then the cellos and then the piccolos and then the mini piccolos.

Wow. Incredible. I am confident and comfortable saying that's the best Andrew Lloyd Webber song I've heard in 25 years. It's very good. Thank you. It's actually very good. It's as good as anything you wrote for Les Miserables.

Which is my favorite of your musicals. My absolute favorite of all the boy band musicals. Now, I've grown to tolerate you. We've become... Because we are united in our love for the royal family. But not only did you misunderstand my rank...

No, no, no. That was Scott, I believe. My stature? I am a baron. Andrew Lloyd Webber. A peer of the realm? Yes. But I did not write Les Miserables. Oh, you must add, though. It's so wonderful. Do you think I wrote all musicals? Do you think Rent is one of mine? Didn't you write 42nd Street?

But that was an accident. Oh, right. I'd forgotten it was an existing musical. You just wrote it verbatim. It was, there were some significant differences, but for the most part, it was, well, it took place on 41st Street. Oh, okay. And, but for the most part, yes, it was identical in every single way. Did you write Nights on White Satin?

I wish. Did you write that canned heat song? Do you know which one I'm talking about? I'm going up the country. I didn't write that song, but I did tell him to sing like that. That does sound a little like Shimmy sings that song. I said at

Sing it as though you're in a can and it's very hot. What a good idea. I also suggested they change the name to Tinned Heat. Ah, yes, of course. So, Lord Webber, you are writing this song for the coronation. Yes, a great honor. Can it be about any subject or does it have to be about the coronation? It must be.

about the coronation of His Majesty King Charles III. And will this song, forgive me, and maybe this is what... I mean, I can go off on tangents, yes. Is this song going to be sung by Elton John? Is this in conjunction with, or is this two separate things? Pardon me.

Oh, wow. No, it was most decidedly not to be Sunrise. One of Andrew Lerner's teeth just fell out. Inverted comma, Elton John. Are you still upset that Tim Rice started writing musicals with Elton John instead of you? I say, let the devil take the boat. What?

I'm so sorry. No, I mean, Tim Rice went to much success with Elton John. Yes, but he had to be around Elton John. That would be a musical I would watch. The devil taking both Tim Rice and Elton John. Well, I say stick around for a year because I have something to give you. Episode 900. Really?

You know how you can challenge the devil to some sort of a contest, right? Wouldn't it be something to see a songwriting contest between Tim Rice and Elton John versus the devil? Who might write a better song? That'd be great. The devil wouldn't even need to cheat. Although I bet he would, like, start playing his electric guitar and pretend it's a fiddle. Or his violin, you know? You know, devil went down to Georgia. Well, that's what I mean. Suddenly he's like, oh, I'm playing my... That's exactly right. Do you know the song The Devil Went Down to Georgia? Sorry. Because he...

Because he starts playing. Well, he was. Is that one of yours? That's one of yours, isn't it? The devil went down. Charles Daniels Dan. I guess I'm not as familiar as I thought I was with yours. Next you will accuse me of writing. Take this job and then shove it to my Jonathan Pichik. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, Miss Serjant. He was recently knighted. He was recently knighted, yeah. He was originally born in England. They'll knight anyone, it seems. You know.

This was pre-Rollerblades, too. Yeah. Is that what put it out of business? This is how Rollerblades were invented. Okay. I found this on the web. What? Who's talking? Who's this? Who's this? Siri! Madam, show yourself. How is it in our headphones? Who is that woman? This is all going through. Look, I had a problem with this a couple of weeks ago. What is going on? Could that be the Phantom 8 of the studio? This?

I had a problem with this a couple of weeks ago. My good friend August Lid helped me figure it out. I put it on Do Not Disturb, but it still activates this woman. I don't even want to say her name. I wonder what we said that triggered it. I don't know. Triggered much, Siri? Oh, no, I said it. You should disable her across all devices. This is like saying what's up, hot dog or something. Dip, dip, dip, dip, whoa.

Who's this fellow? Oh, no. What did I do? Hey, what's going on, guys? Oh, shit. Do you use that phrase the same way you use, hey, Siri? Oh, shit. I didn't mean to do that. What's the weather going to be tomorrow? Well, it's going to be perfect water skiing weather. Hey, hot dog. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to call you here. Oh, you didn't? You can stick around, though. I was right in the middle of an epic water skiing session, which is why I'm so wet and wearing my bathing trunks. Are you the hot dog? Why, yeah. Who?

are you? I'm Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. I'm a songwriter after a fashion and of course I've heard of you because water skiing is very much a rich person's sport and...

Well, you need a boat. You do need a boat. And it's got to be able to get up to at least 27 miles per hour. Correct. So that's got to be a pretty good boat. Well, bless my buttons. What a pleasure to see you in person. It's wonderful. Yeah, it's great. Good to meet you. I beg your pardon? Have you ever written a musical about water skiing? Oh, I've tried so many times. You have? It's very difficult. Nothing rhymes with water skiing. That's the problem, right?

That's exactly the problem. It's the only thing holding me back. Oh, man. Also, they won't let me flood a theater. It's also interesting. That's the biggest problem. It's interesting.

Well, Byron, maybe you could be the plus one of someone else. Like, there has to be someone else coming, like another royal. Like, wasn't there someone that you were very fond of? Or weren't you dating? Yeah, weren't you dating someone? I can't remember the details. Was it Lady Amelia? Yes, yes, yes. But it only becomes very complicated with her. She sort of has this boyfriend, a fellow by the name of, who goes by the Greys. Who goes by the Greys? What did you say? Who knows?

Please don't mention his name. Mr. Lloyd Webber, you have dealings with this Mr. I apologize, Lord Webber. I know this is your friend, too. I don't know why I'm apologizing. I'm called Mr. and it's all the same. Mr. Lord Webber is your father. Please call me Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber.

All right. Lord and Lord Webber. Close enough. You have dealings with this fellow? I have avoided dealings with him. He is well known in our circles. He's a terrifying man. Awful, isn't he awful? He's so scary. Who, the Grizz? Yes, the Grizz.

We've met him before. He's pretty charming, actually. You've met the Grizz? Oh, yeah, we've met the Grizz. He's a water polo player, right? Is that what you say? We met him in the prom. Oh, that's right. He has defeated me in multiple duels up to now for the hand of Lady Amelia, and it's

absolutely humiliating. Byron, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Byron. It's terrible. But for that reason alone, I really, I don't want to entangle myself with either of them anymore. I'd much rather get smuggled in in a piano. So you don't want anything to do with Lady Amelia anymore? Of course I do, but I... What is that chortling? What is that chortling? What is chortling? I hear it somewhere. I also hear chortling. I hear a faint chortling. Townie!

Down here? Is that what... Hot dog, did you say that? Did you just say down here? I don't think so. Maybe. You know what? Should we look down the hill? I guess. I mean, right now, I've just been looking straight ahead this entire show, not even looking at any of you. Should we look... Should we turn our heads? Maybe we should look up. No? Nothing up there. You great pillock. Down here. Down here.

Should we look behind us? I think we should look down. You think we should look down? Under the table? I think we should look under the table. You don't think we should do all directions except down first? Just to make sure. If anyone were going to be... Is there a time minimum for these episodes? I know there's no maximum. We just hit it. Episode 800, you said 800 minutes. That's right. Yeah, we're just at the beginning.

Let's look down. Oh, my God. The Grizz. You thought I was a glass of water, but no. The Grizz. I will say I've been trying to drink out of what I now realize is the Grizz the whole time. Did you get anything? I got zero. Grizz, how did you disguise yourself as a glass of water? You have the powers to do that as a water polo instructor? I was...

This bloke poured me into his glass, didn't he? What? I came out through the drain. He has the power to become water. Oh, like Bristleen. I can travel through any water conveyance. That's right. Like Pennywise. Like Zane? Yeah. Of Zane and Jaina? Zane and Jaina. Zane and Jaina. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Interesting. You're like Pennywise.

Who? Pennywise. Do you ever see him down there? A little nasty looking clown? Do you mean it, the clown? I call him Pennywise. Not Pound Foolish. No. The name of the book's it. It's not Pennywise. I know. They should have called it Pennywise. The movie's called it. Every version's been called it. It's not in the choir. It's in the choir. This is a clown that can go through the drain as well? Yeah, he has the powers of a water polo instructor. He lives in the drain. Oh, really? He doesn't teach anybody to walk a polo at all.

And he's not royal at all. No, he just eats fear. Grizz, what are you doing here? By the way, this is Andrew Lloyd Webber. Oh, hello there, Grizz. Oh, you guys have met. I forgot. So yeah, Grizz, you know Andrew. No, we haven't had the pleasure. Oh, this is uncomfortable. More of a Tim Rice fan meself. No, don't disappoint.

I agree. He's wonderful. He's terrific. Wow. That's not what you were saying about Tim Rice before. LW is cratering in front of the Grizz. Bangkok, Oriental City, back of my neck, getting dirty and gritty in it.

Yes. That's from Chess, the musical Tim Rice wrote with the men of ABBA. Yes, I know. It's my favorite musical of all time. Yeah, it's a proper musical, that one. That's not what he was saying before, Grizz. I'm sorry to blow up your spot, Andrew Lloyd Webber, but you were saying that you hated Tim Rice. And didn't you, Andrew Lloyd Webber, say that you wrote Les Miserables? I did.

Oh, right. Oh, sorry. Yeah. I didn't write Les Miserables. Oh, no, no. You said that he wrote Les Miserables. Oh, yeah. Byron Denniston. Oh, dear me. Now as I live and breathe. Now I've been trying to hide behind the microphone stand. It's his catchphrase. Byron Denniston as I live and breathe.

You knew you were going to hear it sooner or later. Listen, the Chris, I don't want any trouble with you at all, all right? Forget it. I'm getting to the coronation another way. I have no desire to challenge you for the hand of Lady Amelia anymore. I can't stand the humiliation. I can't stand it anymore. Well, fair play to you. Oh, really? I'm glad to hear it. And I suppose I'll see you at the coronation.

Yes. If you know where it actually is. What? Won't it take place at the Abbey? Westminster Abbey? Oh, if that's what you think, then yeah, that's where it takes place. Oh my God. Westminster Abbey. Westminster. It's taking place somewhere else. Oh, you didn't hear that from me. This is a fake coronation? Wow. Oh my God. A decoy coronation. Decoy coronation. Decoronations.

Of course. No wonder I know all about Operation Golden Orb. I can't believe they used that one. All right, then. Seems my only way to get there is on the arm of Lady Amelia. Well, that's not going to be possible, boy. Oh, you don't think so? Lady Amelia's not going to the coronation. Where's she going? She's staying at home. She's going to watch EastEnders. Oh, okay.

Why? She's binging it and she's almost caught up to real time. There's so much of it. Are there 800 of those? I wish she'd be done by now. Oh, there's more.

Wait, does that mean you have a plus one? I do. Oh, my goodness. This would be a weird turn of events if suddenly you were Grizz's plus one. Not weird at all, I don't think. I think it'd be lovely. What a turn up for the books. We could put all of our past differences aside and simply sort of tenders together. We could, I suppose. I suppose we could. Or...

You could tell me what it's worth to you to go to the coronation and watch those royals at the most royal event possible. Oh, my God. Even more royal than a royal wedding. A coronation? The royalist of all royal events. It's the number one royalist thing with a bullet. The passing of the scepter and the orb. There hasn't been one for, what, 80, 90 years? Yes. There may not be another one for another.

Two years! Three months. LAUGHTER

My God, I've got to be at this one. I will say it is crazy that Lady Amelia is almost about to finish EastEnders because they have 5,180 episodes. I know. She's been staying up day and night, pot to black coffee. She's been taking Fen-Phen. I don't know where she found it. I get it. That's what I'm doing just to finish Bosh. LAUGHTER

You've got a feeling and you can't let go. So what's it worth to you, Byron? I mean... Yeah, Byron, what's it worth to you? Maybe I can make a deal with you. You see, I'm in a bind and I'm way behind. And I wonder, what if you were to offer me...

your immortal soul. Holy shit. Byron, this is reminding me of something we talked about earlier in the episode. What is that? What is this? The coronation. Yeah. What? This is reminding me of the coronation. We're still talking about it. Oh, I'm sorry. I zoned out for a minute. Of course, he's reminding you of it. You're still talking about it? We're continuing the conversation. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I was zoning out. What do you say, Byron?

Put it on paper. Your immortal soul belongs to the Grizz. Well, look, let me say this. I will challenge you to a contest of some sort. And if you win, you may have my soul. You've already challenged him to a water polo contest. You lost that. And a duel, yes. Byron, don't do this. Listen to Lord Webber here. Well, but perhaps I can have... You sounded like Woody Allen for a second. Listen to Lord Webber.

But in that way that it applied to the death, you can have someone stand in for you. I think it should be a song composing contest and I'll have Lord Lloyd Webber stand in for me. What's this now? You've made me your second hand standing?

Yes! And then you'll defeat the Grizz, and then I'll be able to hang on to my soul and still be able to go to the Coronation. That'll be the deal. I'll still be your plus one. Okay. Is that right, Webber? You're going to defeat the Grizz. I'm from Grizz, eh?

I said, they don't mean any offense, but you know rules are rules in these house wins. There's no rule that I must not refuse. Grizz, have you ever written a song before? I mean, Lord Webber's written a ton of them. How odd could it be? I guess that's a good point. Let me be honest. We've heard what Lloyd Webber has going on so far. Not great. He's only got one line. He's got one line. Let me just say, Grizz. That was a very specific instance. Grizz, I'd be willing to be your second. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

So Hot Dog versus Andrew Lloyd Webber in a songwriting contest? Who are you? Hot Dog. I'm Hot Dog. Hot Dog. You must have seen him in some of the water you've been in. He water skis. Legend of water skis. Let me get under you and take a look up. Oh, you! Number five. All right. Well, you're going to have to hear the entire episode to hear the climactic conclusion of the songwriting contest.

But I forgot about the songwriting contest. But yeah, this is one of my favorites of the year. So much fun. So much fun to do. Just and I mean, it's a two hour episode and it's just jam. I mean, we had trouble figuring out the clips we're going to use for it because just jam packed with hilarity. You can always ask me if you want, if you're having trouble with clips. How did those clips sound?

Oh, I wasn't paying attention, but. Really? Because it was like 20 minutes. Well, because I didn't pick them. Where were you? Yeah, but I mean, we just listened to them. What were you doing during the 20 minutes? I just kind of shut down. Really? Yeah. I just kind of go, I just kind of go away. Okay. Yeah. All right. I wish you were listening to the clips, honestly. Well. Because they're so funny. I didn't pick the clips though. You want to pick the clips next year? Yeah. Honestly, I would rather you pick the clips. Yeah.

than me having to do it for weeks. What if I did and it's just all clips of me? Well, I mean, to be honest, it wouldn't be that much different than our actual... What if I did the clips that I'm not in, I recreate them myself? Sure. Do all the voices. Do a Rich Little in the late shift. I do a Rich Little Clumps. Yes. All right. We're going to take... No, we're not. This is the end. This is the end of... We're going to take a break from doing the episode. Yeah. But before we go...

and I hope by the way if you listened to part two and we said okay that's it goodbye and then you turned it off you missed us playing the snowman game because we realized we hadn't played the snowman game snowman game is legendary it is a game where a little snowman sings a song he spins around exciting few moments in podcast if he ends his song and he spins around and looks at you it is the most thrilling thing that's ever going to happen in your life and it also means you'll have good luck all year long now so far the

The snowman has looked at Scott once. And looked just over my left shoulder. Just over his left shoulder. We also have a listener chair, the chair that represents the listener. If he looks at the chair, that means all the listeners will have a great 2024. And if he looks at Paul, Paul is going to have a great 2024. Yeah, which I, you know, I could use it. Yeah, there are two more chances left. This year so far? Terrible.

Yeah, and we're only one day into it. Yeah. And we've only spent it together doing this. It's a disaster. Okay, all right. All right, so Paul's going to press the button. We're going to put the mic next to him so we can hear him singing and spinning. This is so exciting. Let's do it. This is the snowman game for 2024. The weather outside is like... He's spinning around. ...like snow.

He's now looking over Paul's left side. He's now spinning around and he winds up at the listener chair. Whoa. Okay. Let's see if we can keep this up. Spinning again. Looking directly at Paul. That means I'm not going to get it. You might. You might.

Over Paul's left shoulder. Over my shoulder. Boulder holder. Boulder holder. Boulder I hold in my heart because I did not win. That's right. Oh, I'm so sorry, Paul. Well, thank you. But you know what? That's the snowman game. That's the snowman game. There are no take backs. Yeah. Yeah. All right. That's going to do it for part three. We will return on Thursday for part four. We may return on Thursday for part four where we may count down the top five

four best episodes of the year. This is getting so exciting. So exciting. We're going to go all the way to number one. The lowest you could go. That's right. There is no zero in the countdown. No, and there never will be. There never will be. Except for 10. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

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