Best of 2023 Part 1
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Comedy Bang Bang

Mr. Sandler, Hanukkah song. When I listen to it, I can't go wrong. Red Hood sweatshirt. Opera man. Lunch lady land. Billy Madsen. Billy Madsen.

uh hello everyone welcome to comedy bang bang best of 2023 part one and you know what merry christmas that's right this is coming out on the very day of christmas itself so we can finally say it the war on christmas is over we won we won again we were able to say it today this yearly war

It starts in February, usually. And look, if you're about to throw up your stash and yell at a little boy in the street, leave him alone. It's Christmas days. Maybe he'll say the one as big as me to you. That's always fun. But imagine today. Imagine today. Today on Christmas. I mean, in modern times. Sure. To try to get a little boy to buy you a turkey? It was the original gig economy work. Yeah, exactly. It's like Instacart. Grind set. Grind set.

hey the original grind set go fucking buy me a turkey little boy yeah and and by the way don't you have to put in orders for turkeys in advance i guess you can get some nowadays probably i did go to a grocery store the day after thanksgiving and they were just lousy with turkeys they had so many who the fuck that's crazy yeah i think they wanted to have enough so they they would never run out of course but look

Throw them away. Yeah. No one wants to see that. No one wants fucking turkey ever. You've already murdered them. Afterwards, yeah. Yeah. Although I do, I try to make a nice turkey dinner every single day, as you know. Yeah, that is a strange thing about you. Full Thanksgiving dinner every night. Why do you do that? Why do you do that? And you say you try, which means a lot of times you're thwarted. No, I never succeed. It doesn't even go in the oven. Not even on Thanksgiving. Maybe half the time.

No. Oh, no, no. What is it that happens? What gets in the way? Well, there's a series of blockades. We have an obstacle course up, an American Ninja Warrior course, I guess I should say. It's not really an obstacle course. Which you're forgetting that I gave you as a housewarming gift. You did. That's right. And you were like American Ninja Warrior, love it or leave it. Yes. So I got my citizenship. Ninja love it or ninja leave it. Ninja leave it? I got my citizenship papers. Ninja leave it, you'll leave. Ninja leave it.

A vigilante ninja. Ninjalante. A vigilante ninja. Ninjalante. Ninjalante Jolie. Ninjalante this Christmas. In any case, it's a long, drawn-out story that I won't further complicate by going into details. But yes, it is Christmas. We hope that you have your turkeys in the oven by now, or at least you're prepping it while you listen to us. Or your Christmas ham. That's right. Or a goose. Who decided? That's a good one.

I haven't had a goose in a good long time. You know what? I had it a few years ago at Tam O'Shanter. Oh, yeah. They had goose that night? We just went to Tam O'Shanter. I did not see goose on the menu. No, they haven't had it in a while. It was so good. Maybe the geese are getting smarter or faster. Goose puts the goo in good.

That's a good point. Or should I say a goo point? Thank you. Good slogan for goose. Yeah. By the way, you don't see too many geese these days. Maybe we're out. You mean in the world or like in the supermarket? I just mean like where we live. Yeah, that's true. Not a lot of geese. They do fly overhead sometimes. Yeah. They pass by. Sure. And I have my slingshot out there. Yeah.

Trying to offer a direct line to restaurants. What I like to do is I like to bring down the guy at the tip of the V. That's right. Because then everyone's lost. Like, what the fuck? It is true that the tip of the V. We're talking about geese formations, by the way. Not what you think we're talking about. You sickos.

That's the one who decides to start and then everyone's just kind of like, I don't know. Let's follow this guy. Yeah. He's the Kumail. Oh, in the new movie? Yeah. I thought you meant in terms of people getting jacked for Marvel movies. He was pretty late to it. The lead goose is the one who bulks up.

But they're ducks, right? Aren't they ducks? I have no idea. You have no idea? Scott, hold on. This is a bold claim. You have no idea? Ask me how much of an idea I have about this particular subject. How much idea do you have about the animated film where Kumail voices a waterfowl who is traveling with his family south for the winter? I'll tell you I have maybe a 5% idea. Give me all 5%. I'll tell you what I know about it.

It's animated by the people who did the Minions, I believe. Banana. Banana. And the Minions are unequivocally funny. I've never seen a Minions movie, by the way. Oh, by the way, you should be on my show. Scott hasn't seen it. I don't think you've ever done it. What is that? It's a podcast that I do on CBB World where we watch movies that I haven't seen before and then we talk about them. Who's we? Oh, it's this guy Sprague, The Whisperer. Oh.

You mean my manager? Oh, wait. Sprague manages you? Yeah. I know he has one client. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy, Sean Diston. He can't seem to get much going for. Got him a podcast. Imagine how I feel. Yeah. No, you should do it. Some great people have done it. Santa Claus just did one. Just this last Friday. But, okay, so Minions. Okay, so Minions.

And I know that like one bird or someone, I think it's a bird. One bird makes you bigger. I think it gets hit by a truck, but then they have to say, I'm okay, because it would be funnier if he was dead, but it's a kid's movie. So they have to say like, oh no, it's okay. But it's giving kids the wrong message that you can get like hit by a truck and then be fine. Don't you think? Absolutely. Well, just like it started with the A-team.

Yeah, exactly. When the guys had to, you know, horrific. The guys. As they were known, the guys. That's what the bad guys on the 1810. Hey, it's the guys. Like a truck would flip over five times and then you'd hear, I'm okay. Yeah. Or you'd see someone like going, ouch, that was crazy. That's what the guys do. You know, it was just the editor.

Yeah. It's like they gave him a list of things to say. Could you put this in so we don't get in trouble? But I think, don't they get paid to do that? To put, anytime your voice appears in an episode? Oh yeah. That's why editors are so rich. They're so rich. Yeah. Man, I should have gotten into editing. Because they're constantly, people don't know any background noise you hear. It's the editor doing it. Plus, by the way, a lot of people don't know when you're watching a TV show. Yeah.

It starts, right? Okay. Credits, titles, whatever. And then you see maybe the main character or, or a field or something. A field. Oh, I know the movie you're talking about. The killing fields. Yeah.

Well, here it is. You asked for it. You paid a ticket. We don't want to keep you waiting in suspense. People were thrilled. They're like, okay, it's not metaphorical. Sometimes you'll buy a ticket for like Gandhi, right? Yeah. And,

Dude doesn't show up until like 45 minutes in. I don't think that's true. I don't know. I haven't seen it. You should do Gandhi with me, Paul. Sure, I'll do Gandhi. Gandhi and a Minions movie. Ooh, double feature. Gandhi, Minions 2, double feature. Do you remember our famous double feature argument? What was that? I don't recall. Where I said I...

had a double feature in a friend's home oh yes and i took numbers with that you were saying it was not a double feature because we just watched two movies yeah i agree but with myself but you were under the impression that we just were like flipping channels or something and then we stumbled upon these movies but it was a programmed event i where we said we're gonna watch these two movies

Okay, here, maybe I was being too picky, but the one thing I'll say is that I feel like double feature implies that you pay one price and receive two movies. Now, no money exchanged hands, if I'm correct. Although maybe it's just like, hey, we're featuring two movies on the bill regardless of what price. I guess you could have a double feature that was free, like at the library or something. Yeah.

But you know what? Nowadays with our cashless society, no money changes hands. That's true. That's a good point. Apple Pay? Yeah. Did anyone Venmo you to go to this double feature? No, this was a while ago. This was a while ago. Hmm.

So it was pre-Venmo. Pre-Venmo. Pre-okay. Pre-cashless society. So you were cash. I mean, there were credit cards. You were cashful. Cashful. So did anyone give you any sort of currency, US or otherwise? Why would they give me the currency? Was it not at your place? No. Was it at a friend's house? It was not at my place. It was at a friend's house. Who was this friend? Wait a minute. Was it Mr. AMC and it was his house?

What does AMC stand for? I don't know. American Movie Club, I would imagine. I don't know. And then isn't it weird that AMC is a network too and it has nothing to do with it? Are they not related in any way? No, no, no, no. How do they get away with that? I don't know. I don't understand. Like if there was another Comedy Bang Bang, you bet I would sue their ass. And it did something- Into obliteration. It did something adjacent to what you do, but not exactly the same thing. Yeah, there was. I do-

have to say in India, I believe. You must say this. There was a comedy bang bang that I politely reached out to and said, pardon me, but this exists. Pardon me, but I will sue you into oblivion. I said, pardon me, boy. Is that the Chattanooga choo-choo?

And they very politely took it down. And that was it was it was a wonderful series of interactions. What are you realizing how ridiculous it is for the person in that song?

to refer to the train as a choo-choo pardon me boy is that the pardon me boy is that the chattanooga choo-choo you know the machine that goes choo-choo and then of course like in those times the the boy would look at him like he was insane right like uh you mean the train okay mister yeah the choo-choo's coming the choo-choo sure get the guys in the white coats

And the butterfly nets. They don't do that anymore in movies, and it's a shame. I know. But that classic thing of looking at somebody like they're out of their minds. Holding up a sign that has a picture of a screw and then plus and a baseball. Famously, our friend Bugs Bunny. Our friend. Our friend Bugs Bunny. Agent of Chaos.

Mickey Mouse, you could make him funny, couldn't you? I was thinking this the other day. I think it's too late. I feel like they're just protecting this brand so much because they want to sell the hats with the ears. But wouldn't it be great if Disney came out with a legitimately funny Mickey Mouse cartoon? It would be great. Where he was super funny. I would challenge the listeners to find the funniest clip of Mickey Mouse that exists. That exists. Because I think Steamboat Willie days...

The very first one. He was out there. I don't think he even had a name. He might have been Steamboat Willie. He might have been Richard Mouse, as far as we know. But he was out there and he was, they were trying to make a funny cartoon with him. And he was like getting, I forget what happened. Do you have a plot synopsis of Steamboat Willie? Yeah, let me see. From memory, it's about this mouse who is piloting a boat and he's doing a little dance. Doesn't he get chopped up at some point? Couldn't tell you.

Maybe that's just in my memory. Could not tell you. What I want to happen. Oh, I would love to see it get chopped up. But yeah, the funniest clip of Mickey Mouse that you can send to us. Yeah. How do they get it to us, Paul? Put it on Instagram and tag us? I guess so. Yeah. I don't know. I can't say that I'll look, but you probably will. I would say tag comedy bang bang world. Yes. But that'll mean Brett will have to look at them. Yeah, exactly. Oh, okay. Great. Yeah.

All right, great. He loves Mickey Mouse, though. He does. He's a huge, huge Disney guy. He's not a Disney guy. He's a Mickey Mouse guy. That's right. He hates Disney. I forgot. He went to Disneyland once, hated it. He did because he did not get to see Mickey Mouse. Yeah. Mickey is hardly ever there. Why is he not there more? That's the thing. It's like when I go to Disneyland, I see Goofy. Yeah. I see Captain Hook. I see even Cinderella sometimes. She waves at me. Yeah.

But where's Mickey? Yeah. Where are they hiding? This is like a Shelly Miscavige or something. You know, where are they hiding Mickey? You know what it's like? It's like going to sewing down South and Charleston and you think you're going to see Craig, but he's not there. He's not there. He's at. Although one time we did see him. I know you told us this at dinner at the Tammo Center. We actually saw him through the window. Through a window. So was it like a storefront window or what kind of window? Really? What store? It was his house. Yeah.

We were looking through the window. We're creeps. Remember 1994 when there were three songs called Creep out there simultaneously? What? I know Radiohead. Radiohead, TLC.

That's right. And Stone Temple Pilots all at the same time. I don't know the Stone Temple Pilots. Beelzebub was on a whale? Beelzebub, he rode that whale all the way to debtor's jail. In my Bible, Beelzebub rides the whale. The prince of lies. The lord of the flies. Why isn't he the king of lies?

Like, who's a better liar than Satan? Good question. Why isn't Jesus the king of peace? Yeah, what is he? The prince of peace? The prince of peace. Maybe they mean God. Is God the king of peace? Do you know what sucks for God?

I bet a lot, but go ahead with what you would think. He is the almighty creator of everything. Yeah. And then there's so much focus on Jesus. People just pray to Jesus. They don't pray to God anymore. Well, that's the thing. When you have a kid, your life is over and everyone's just like, oh, look at the kid. Look at the kid. Look at the kid. Good point. Oh, my Lord. Hey, how about eyes are up here? My eyes are taller than Jesus. Yes. Stop looking at my tits. Look at my face. How big do you think?

God is in relation to Jesus. If Jesus is human-sized, is God just like the size of a mountain? How big is God? That's a good question because Jesus... Okay, I would imagine Jesus...

He was a baby for what, one year? And then suddenly he had a beard and sandals and everything? There was the one year that he was 12 and he got lost in the temple. That's right. He lost in the temple? When did he curse that fig tree? Was he an adult at that point? Oh, that was beard times. That was beard times, yeah. Yeah, beard times. When Christ got hangry. Yeah. Is that actually in the Bible or is that just a story? Like a talk show story? Oh, I got to remember this for Carson.

Jots it down. I believe that it's in the Bible. Yeah. Weird guy, Jesus. Weird guy. But hey, it's his birthday today, and we love him. Yes. Happy birthday. How big was God? I think God was probably like... Was? What do you know? Have you heard something? I heard some quote, God is dead. Long live God. To God? Yeah.

Probably like Mount Rushmore sized, I would think. That's big. It's pretty big. And that's your dad. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? I know. Like, do you remember being small? Yeah. Yeah. I remember being so small. Looking up at people. I don't really remember being as small as like someone's knees. I remember. I feel like I remember interacting with an egg of some sort. I was very small. But okay. So you sit at the right hand of the father. Sure. In heaven.

Who does? If you're lucky. Well, Jesus does, of course. Jesus does. Okay. So then every single human being is on his right side? But it's like, if you sit on a chair next to Mount Rushmore, are you really sitting with that? You know what I mean? I mean...

I think that would be cool to sit on a chair next to Mount Rushmore. Is that what you're asking? That is what I'm asking. I think we should maybe do that. Thank you for not making me spell it out. It would be cool to like get a picture, someone far back enough to get a picture that includes you and Mount Rushmore and the faces in the same picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be fucking cool. Yeah.

That'd be really cool. We got to do that. We got to take a trip this year. I've never been. Have you ever been to Mount Rushmore? No, I really, uh, uh, I looked into it actually a couple of years ago of like, oh, would this be cool? Is it possible? And can a human being do this? Uh, I heard it's kind of a letdown, but, uh, I don't know. Really? I mean, I've seen the pictures. I believe that 1000% that it would be a letdown. I've never been to the Grand Canyon. I was going to do that. Uh, uh, when COVID seemed to be receding, we set up a trip.

and booked all the hotels, itinerary, everything. We were driving from- Wait, you booked out all the hotels so you would have it to yourself? Yep. I just wanted the grand canyon to myself. Yeah, just me and one mule. That's amazing, sweetie. No, we were driving from here to Chicago on Route 66 and various things. Gotta do it. And then COVID kind of came back and so we canceled the whole thing. Wait, not mid-trip.

Uh, no, no. Before we, before we, when you say we were driving on route 66, you mean we were going to be driving. Yeah, I was, I was, uh, enumerating the plan. Not like you were turning the radio dial. I was like, COVID's back. Oh shit. All citizens advised to turn around. You notice how, when you watch a movie in any, anytime the TV comes on or the radio comes on, it's always about something that affects the plot of the person listening. Yes.

I have never turned on the TV or the radio unknowingly and then found out there was an earth shaking event happening. That had something to do with me. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. And then anytime a there's a a main character who's a teacher in a movie. Yes. And he's giving a lecture. Yes. About nature or something that will relate directly to their emotional theme or the plot of the movie as well.

I'm thinking one movie in particular that just came out, Dream Scenario. But I've noticed it in a lot of other movies. If there's ever a teacher character, they'll say like, okay, let's talk about this in nature. The bears do this. Right. And it'll be something that relates to the plot. You know what's really sad, and I'm realizing this now, is that no teacher of mine ever said anything that related to me in any way. Yeah.

Yeah, I know. Or related to my future life or anything I would have to know. It was all meaningless. Yeah. I mean, and maybe I'm a dumb shit and people think that, but hey, that's their fault. Hey, at least I had my first kiss. Sure. And your last. If it weren't for school, that probably wouldn't happen. Yep.

You had your first and last kiss on the same day, right? Yeah, it was gross. It was like first month, last month. It was like never again. First month, last month. Let's do the first one and the last one. What are you going to do? Three kisses? Me kissing you, you kissing me, you kissing the floor. That's right. That's right.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2023 Part 1. We have been going now 20 minutes and I have not even introduced this person I'm talking to or myself. But honestly, who cares? Who cares at this point? I mean, look, this is I know a lot of people's first episode of Comedy Bang Bang.

But we want to set the table for you, exactly what's happening. My name is Scott Aukerman. I'm the host of Comedy Bang Bang. I've been hosting this program for now. We're in our 15th year, but our 15th anniversary is coming up. How is that possible? I don't get it, and it makes me mad. And I do believe that we are even in...

Our 16th calendar year, is that correct? We started in 2009, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23. This is fucking crazy. No, 15th. Yeah, 15th. How did you get up to 23? This year is 23. Because 2023. I'm so sorry. I completely zoned out on your counting. I would appreciate, Paul, if we're going to continue doing this, best ofs. You pay close attention when I count.

Because that's almost all of it. Starting next year? No, starting this year. The counting part of it is huge when it comes to best ofs.

But my name is Scott Aukerman. I've been doing this now for 15 years. And the person I'm talking to is one of the people who's been on the show not only the most. You hold the record of being on the show the most, other than me. But you have been on some of the earliest episodes. I can't remember when you're... You've been on the Earth. You've been under the Earth. Under the Earth. That's where it's grounder. I saw...

A flounder. Of life there is dearth. But you, I don't know when your first episode was, but I would imagine it was like somewhere around six or seven, something like that. You were in New York at the time. I'm going to say 2008. No, we started in 2009. Then I'm going to say 2009. Oh, yep. I do believe you are correct. Because I called in from my office at best week ever. That's right.

And but so one of our earliest guests and also the guest who has been on the most, please welcome. You know him as a stand up comedian. You also know him as a wonderful improviser and actor. And if you are part of his family, you know him as a wonderful member of your tribe.

uh your extended family perhaps a cousin you may know him as a cousin you may know him as a brother yeah some people know me as a nephew not many not many but uh you're lucky if you do oh my god almost all my uncles and aunts are dead oh no i'm so sorry weird so sorry to hear that it's strange uh are you an uncle i am an uncle many times over i'm a great uncle as a matter of please welcome great uncle paul f tompkins it's the great uncle paul f tompkins

That would be great if like this, I don't want to say late into your career. I just mean you've been doing it a long time. You can say that. It's almost over. That's what I'm not trying to imply. I'm trying to infer it and I'm succeeding. You've been doing comedy a long time, but it would be great if you rebranded as Great Uncle Paul F. Dumpkins. I might as well, right? Just try it for three months. I might as well. I had a guy.

years ago comedy is great for unsolicited advice yes people love to tell you what you should do and this is back when i was in philly and i had been doing stand-up for a little while and a guy told me that uh i should go out wearing like an aaron sweater and a cap and have a mug of beer and do like an irish character not i mean honestly i'd watch it but i should use my real name

Which doesn't sound Irish. I mean, at this point, why not? But what a huge, gigantic thing to suggest that somebody do. Yeah, what a huge swing. I think that person doesn't know how comedians construct their acts, where they just go, yeah, just switch it up. Next time, do this. Yeah. And come up with a half hour of material in between now and then. Yeah, just come up, just now do a character and create it out of whole cloth. Yeah.

No direction on what the material would be. I would imagine Irish style jokes. I guess Irish style jokes. You know, jokes about drinking, I would imagine. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Church. Not a bad idea, Paul. I know that we're scoffing at this guy, this incredible loser. Turn off the mics for a second. Okay. I think they're off. I think I pushed the right button. I'm not sure. I'm going to do this. Yeah. I'm glad I brought it up because as I'm talking it out. This is a trial balloon, right? Yeah.

unintentionally but now like i was laughing at that guy but now i'm like what's a great idea maybe we should be laughing with that guy at your act wait but are you laughing and are you no i'm laughing with that guy with your act okay oh in the same room as the act because i want to be there in the room while you do it you're not going to download my special

I want to be at the taping, and then I also want to watch the special to see if, like... Okay, Hamilton. How the editing... You want to be in the room where it happens? That was Aaron Burr actually. Hey, don't call me Hamilton! All right, turn the mics back on. Okay. Anyway, that guy was dumb. Yeah, boy, what a loser. That dude, I do remember that he took me... He had been doing comedy for longer than I had. He was a headliner. And he took me on the road with him to a bunch of gigs in the Midwest. And I had to watch him every night,

Because I had to go up. It was just the two of us. I had to go up afterwards and say, that's our show, everybody. Good night. Wow. Yeah. What if that person said, that's our show, everyone. Good night. That is interesting because I suggested that. And he said, no, I had to do it when I was coming up. So now you have to do it. But there's a better. I was like, great reason. There's a better way to do these things. Yeah. There's a better way, which is you say good night. That's the end of our show because everybody liked you. Yeah. Yeah.

And don't make me sit through your act every single night. And then he was making me split the cost of gas and the rental car. He didn't want to drive his own car, put the miles on it. So he got a rental car. Keep in mind, he was making, I think, four times the money that I was making. Sounds fair. And he kept a running tally. So every time he would fill up the gas tank, he'd say, okay, now you owe me $85. Is he rich now, I hope?

I don't think so. From taking advantage of young comedians like you? I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't know if that was a good enough scam. But you learned a lot, right? You learned a lot about the road.

I learned, I did learn a lot by negative example, for sure. That's sometimes very useful. It's very, absolutely it is. Doesn't get enough credit. Yeah. Negative example. Yeah, exactly. Your life being shitty and then you try to make other people's better. Not going to do that. Yeah.

Let me tell you about Comedy Bang Bang and what it is if this is your first time listening. It is a comedy podcast. Okay, what are podcasts? Can I tell you one more story about that guy? Yeah, sure. I'd love it. I'm trying to figure out who this guy is. Oh, it's nobody you know. And nobody you should know. I know Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, then. This guy was a married comedian with a really wonderful wife that everybody loved. Right? And he would cheat on her on the road. Oof. Only on the road.

Yeah, it was easier that way, I think. Never back at home? You knew that... As far as I know, I think he was... He at least was smart enough to not do that. Was he doing it brazenly in front of you? Yeah, absolutely. To the point where we ran into another comedian that we knew, and he ended up doing a guest set on the show. Did he make him stick around and say goodnight? No. Arm in arm with you? No, no. But this other comedian did hang around. And then afterwards...

he this other comedian uh was started flirting with the girl that the shitty comedian was flirting with to cheat on his wife with oh and then the other comedian ended up taking the girl back to his hotel and the first guy was angry at this was like that's not cool he was acting like bro code had been violated wow

Boy, these are the types of stories that we tell on Comedy Bang Bang. It's all just about comedians and life on the road. Oh, wait, no, no. Yeah, we shoot the shit. We're busting balls. It's like being at the table at the cellar. Hold on. That's every other comedy podcast. Oh, yeah, that's right. Here's what we do on Comedy Bang Bang. We show videos of us doing crowd work. Yep. No, Comedy Bang Bang is a comedy podcast. We've been doing it 15 years. I've mentioned that several times already. Yeah, stop mentioning it. But-

essentially it's a i'm hearing a tapping i'm sorry did you say sensually oh okay oh someone's in the room yeah that's what's happening you did not notice that at all no okay i i just kept it's a little christmas elf i kept hearing about coming in off the shelf

The Christmas elf is here today with some frozen food I want to say. When did you guys have time to choreograph this? What are you holding? What is it? I believe that's a sponsor of her podcast. Oh, I want that badly. Do you want one? You know what? Yeah, I do. Okay.

I don't think we're allowed to say what it is on our show because they're not a sponsor, but I believe the person who's in the room, whom I will not identify, has their own podcast and it is a sponsor and we got boxes and boxes and boxes of these. Anyone who comes in this room is somebody who has their own podcast. Isn't that wild? Isn't that strange? It's wild. This is like PCC, Podcast Central.

Okay. You split up the... I split up the pod in the can. Do you put a hyphen? I do. Yeah, like Spider-Man. Okay. Oh my God, bye, Elf. She came in behind me. That's part of the... Oh, I believe I got a text saying, unlock your office door, gonna run stuff down to your freezer from the outside. Okay, great. Aw. It's on Do Not Disturb, though. You have to admit, that's gonna be coming up in several of these clips. Oh, is it really? Oh, that's so good. I'm so glad. What are we doing today? We're counting down...

Your choices for the top episodes of Comedy Bang Bang. Unless this is your first episode that you're listening to. Then you have no horse in this race. If you voted on the episodes without ever listening to them, that's wild. Hey, you know, a lot of people do it for president. You're a fucking lunatic and I love it. I love it. You little weirdos out there. But we're going to be counting down the episodes.

uh that occurred in uh the tail end of 2022 and uh most of 2023 for all intents and purposes we're calling it 2023 that's when they occurred and uh how many are we doing this year paul oh god i hope it's 10 it is not nine no you're going the wrong way oh 11 still not even close i'm gonna jump way up 14 nope 15 nope

Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not kidding you, Paul. What's the most we've done prior to this? Probably 17, 18. We also had ones with a lot of bonus clips. Oh, yeah, the bonus clips. Jeez, Paul, come on, you little Grinch. It's Christmas. I'm a big Grinch. Don't you body shame me. I'm sorry. I've never heard anyone call it body shaming to say someone's body is little. Yeah. You know what I mean? Or skinny. Yeah. Yeah.

The Grinch sucks, by the way. That guy fucking sucks. Let's talk about this asshole. I can't stand him. First of all, he lives on top of a what? Is that a mountain or something like that? He lives in a cave on top of a mountain. Caves are in the woods. Stop putting them on the tops of mountains. Exactly. Because that's prime real estate. Yeah. Mountaintops?

man it's supposed to be pointy it's not supposed to have a cave i would love to sit in a chair next to the grinch's mountain though yeah and if you can get a picture yeah where it encompasses like the top of the mountain is still visible but also you sitting at the bottom so great yeah it'd be great does anyone do you know the pictures of the leaning tower of pisa that everyone's always like trying to stuff in a sack or hold in their hands or stuff in a sack have you not seen those pictures the memes of people like

putting the tower of Pisa in like a sack. I have only seen people like trying to push it up. Yeah. Or like hold it, uh, the top and the bottom with their hands and stuff like that either. It's very common. Um, but I wonder if anyone does it with, uh, Mount Rushmore. They should like putting their face next to the other faces or something like that, or on top of one of the faces or like cutting out the eyes of like Abe Lincoln and having their eyes go through or cutting out the whole face.

Okay, now what are you talking about? Are you talking about this is in the picture? Yeah, in the picture. It would be cool if someone would cut out Abraham Lincoln's face and drill all the way to the back of the mountain. Okay, so you're talking about the actual mountain. This is what I'm trying to get at. Yes. Okay, so to cut out just the eyes of Abraham Lincoln. Yeah. And then the idea is you're going to put your eyes in there. Yeah. But then your eyes would be so little. Yeah. Probably you'd only be looking at one eye. You'd have to be closer to the camera. You'd be much closer to the camera. Yeah.

While also being behind Abraham Lincoln. And then Photoshop the rest of your body out. Is there anything behind the heads? Can you walk around in there and look out through their mouths or whatever? I wonder if there's a drive-in movie theater or anything behind there. That would be fun. Wouldn't that be cool? They should show movies on Mount Rushmore. Yeah.

Because then more people would go to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? And then it's like that thing where if, like, let's say you're watching Lincoln, right? Oh, that would be so fun. The only show movies that have those. Yeah, those people in it. Or people with those names in it. Yeah, yeah.

So Denzel Washington movies? Absolutely. And then if Denzel Washington's face lines up with George Washington's face, everybody cheers and honks their horns. Yeah. This is a good idea. Do you remember when we saw Jaws at the drive-in? Yeah, during COVID times. And Roy Scheider said, you're going to need a bigger boat. Everyone honks their horns. Honk, honk, honk. Well, we were all...

We were all, we didn't even know this was during the COVID times when we didn't know that we could be outside and be okay. So we were all wearing masks and still six feet from each other. Yeah. Uh, even at the drive-in movie theater outdoors and because of Fauci, that traitor. All right. This is every other comedy podcast. That's right.

Let's get to it, Paul. We need to get to it. Wait, so how many are we doing? 16, my dear boy. Okay, I don't understand why 16, but okay. Four per episode, of course. Okay.

You just seem exasperated by it. I just think like it's the, I think it's the. We always do around this number. It's almost like an OCD thing where it feels, 16 feels like a weird number and it feels wrong to me. 10's too few. I think 10 is not too few. But for four episodes, how do we break it up? Make the episode shorter? No, we've done this for now 15 years. It gets longer and longer. No, it's exactly the same amount for the past 10 at least.

Same amount of what? Same amount of time, definitely, for how long the episodes are. They don't vary. Doesn't feel like it. They don't vary? No, but we always do about 14, between 14 and 15, 16, somewhere around there. It didn't used to be that way. I think. I think. Wow.

But what do I know? That's your opinion. Let's get to it. We have to get to it. We're going to be counting down your choices for the top 16 episodes. And let's get to it. Let's start it off here with number 16. Number one, six. All right. So we have to just call it out. Yeah. We didn't record the numbers again. Okay. We are...

I feel like this happens every year, Scott, where we beseech the listeners, please remind us to record the numbers. And do it early. I think we said it earlier and earlier in the year, and then no one ever reminds us. I think this time it was June, and we said, please remind us. I think we may have gone even up to April or something this year. Yeah, not a single person. Not a single person reminded us. So we just forgot.

Yeah, because we needed somebody to remind us. They don't make alarm clocks for reminding someone to record best of numbers. No, if they did, I would buy it. I'd be the first person in line at Bed Bath & Beyond to buy that clock. And you know who would have invented it? That guy on The Gilded Age, I bet. Have you been watching The Gilded Age? I figured out The Gilded Age, by the way, with this last episode. No spoilers for it if you haven't watched it. Go ahead. Gilded Age is Entourage. Entourage.

Everything works out for every character. It's true. Well, there's a little drama occasionally of like, is this going to work out? And then the last episode is everything works out for everybody. Yes. And like Entourage, some of the people are just stone evil and things shouldn't work out for them. Right. But they do. Remember the one good season of Entourage where? Nope. I thought the interesting season was where Vinny was like losing popularity.

and couldn't get cast in movies. It was an entire season arc where it was like, I think this guy might not be a movie star anymore. Maybe he has to start doing TV or something like that. And then the very last episode, everything was shitty for him. And the very last episode, Martin Scorsese comes in and goes, I want you to star in my next movie! And everyone goes, yeah! Out of nowhere. Was that the season where he had the drug problem? Yeah, I think so, yeah. What I remember most about that is...

And I think I watched every, I think I watched every episode except for the last season. I don't think I watched the last season. Lucky you. Yeah. I wish I'd wish I'd no. Our good friend hand job was in that. Good for you. Hand job. Um, uh, so he, there's a clip, there's a scene where he's on Jay Leno, uh,

And he's supposedly, he's acting so erratically and everybody's like, oh my God, this is a disaster. He's exactly the same. He's like, hey, Jay. Anyway. It was so weird. It was so weird. I thought I was going crazy. Like, this is the way this guy always is, right? And everybody else is acting like, what's happening to him? What's happening to Vinny? Vinny Chase, is that his name? Vinny Chase. He was Queens Boulevard. He was Queens Boulevard. You can't argue with that, Paul. Then he was...

And then he was Aquaman. So why do I... I mean, I did watch all of Entourage, and it was strangely just comforting to watch a show where everything just worked out for the main character. Because it's like wish fulfillment. You want everything to work out for your own life. Yeah, but why did it have to be those guys? I know, but see... You know what I mean? Now, Gilded Age is very similar in a lot of ways. Yeah.

where the characters were going through a lot of upheaval in the last few episodes. And then the very last episode, just deus ex machina, everything was okay for everyone again. Yeah, absolutely. Why is it better with that?

Is it because there are great New York stage actors in that? Yeah, maybe. And Andra starred those guys? Maybe, yeah. And also because it's from an age where all those people are long dead. You don't know anybody like that. Yeah. And our best friends are big, huge movie stars. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. And so it's, yeah, it takes away from it a little bit. Uh, I, my favorite thing about the gilded age, uh, is hands down Nathan Lane. Yeah. And I would, I would murder someone to play that role on that boring ass show. Uh,

Well, now I thought to turn around and see the opera will not succeed. He's chewing the scenery and I love it. The fucking crazy ass mustache. It's so great. It's so good. But I've said this before, an entire season long arc this year was about can a guy fix his alarm clock? Yeah. And it would be just when you forgot all about it.

Because they would spend 10 seconds on it per episode. And then at one point, the alarm clock goes off. Yes. And it was the closest you could come to something being satisfying on that show. Yeah, it was good and paid off in a wonderful way. But what we're trying to say is there is no alarm clock for...

Yeah, this is all to say there's no alarm clock to remind you when to record things. Yes, and they should make one. And we would. You know what? We would buy it. But without that, it is up to you, dear listener. Another to remind us. Another challenge to the listener. Can you invent that clock? Invent the clock and then we'll buy that and it will no longer be your responsibility. Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. And when should it go off? When should the alarm clock go off? It should go off February 28th. 29th this year, I'll even say. Mm-mm, 28th. Shouldn't they make a leap year version, though, in case there is a 29th? Well, they should, but I don't think we're going to need it. But it's, okay. It's for other people who need to record countdown numbers. Sure. But you don't think we should extend this deadline until the 29th? I don't think so. I think that if we have the clock...

And you have precious little time to invent it. Yeah. If we have the clock, we will absolutely record them. And it goes off on the 28th. It goes off on the 28th. We'll record them on the 29th. What is it? Standard alarm like or I think it should be programmable.

Where it's like, you can either have the classic alarm clock sound. Or like a radio station comes on. Or you can have like, yeah, or a radio station, your favorite radio station. Or like Vin Diesel saying like, hey, don't forget to record those numbers. Look, okay, now I only want to accept it if Vin Diesel. Invent the clock this year, you have two months to do it. Yeah. And it doesn't have to be the, is the door locked? Did you lock the door? No, of course I did not. But we have some good news here.

Paul, you... Oh my God! I thought it was the same person because of the same ring code. The exact same ring code. But no, it's two different people. And I will not identify this person either. No, their identity will be protected. But of course they have a podcast. Um...

Some good news, Paul. You forgot or I shouldn't say forgot, but you forgot where you put it. Well, we did some clearing out of the garage, which entailed taking everything out of the garage, getting rid of some stuff, putting the remainder of the stuff back in the garage. But.

Right. So you threw away stuff that was in the garage. Yes. Like your car. Oh my God, yes. We had a two-car garage. That took up so much room in your garage. Yeah, now that you can walk around in there. Oh man. But in the putting back of things, they were put back higgledy-piggledy. And so there was an item

That is in there somewhere, but I couldn't tell you where. It's definitely in there, but I could not find it in time. And that, of course, was the Christmas Snowman from the famous Christmas Snowman game. That's right. And you let me know this with mere minutes before the recording was going to start. It was with great shame and bitterness in my heart that I had to tell you. And this person. Unnamed hero. Unnamed hero came to the rescue. Look, it's Mark Wahlberg.

Oh, yeah. It's Mark Wahlberg. He didn't get the chance to be the hero on 9-11 and be on that plane and stop 9-11. That's right. So he was looking for an opportunity to be a hero. That's right. And so he went out and bought another Christmas snowman. Scott called him, interrupted his rosary, and he said, let me just get prayed up, and then I will go and get the snowman. Did you watch his reality show? No. I did. It was COVID. We had nothing else to do. It was COVID.

But we have the snowman. We're going to be playing it at the end of each episode. So this is very exciting. Thank you very much. Really appreciate it. We have to get to this clip, Paul. We simply have to. By the way, one thing I did want to say about the numbers. The good news this year. These are the same numbers we've been using now. Classic numbers. For 15 years. Yeah. The good news this year. For one, five years. Yes.

The good news this year is there's someone who's been writing to me every year saying like, hey, why don't you officially license these numbers? It's relatively cheap, but it always happens after we've already recorded it and we're on Christmas vacation. And for some reason, I did remember that. There was not an alarm clock invented to remind me of that. But I was reminded of it before we started these best ofs. And our producer, Kimmy, reached out and we have officially licensed the numbers for

Retroactively for the entirety of... What does that mean? Meaning that someone many moons ago recorded these numbers. Yeah. And we just downloaded them on the internet. Right. I believe one of our original producers just found them on a website. And we've been using them now. Sounds very sketchy. And there was a lot of malware and spyware. Ha ha ha!

Somehow, someone now has, they just wrote to me, they have a video of me masturbating on the internet. No! That happened to me too! Oh no! Are you alright? And I had to give them several Bitcoin in order to get it taken down off the internet. That's the only way. Yeah. But we have officially licensed these numbers. We can use them now. It's retroactive and we can use them in perpetuity. Wait, so you were using them illegally before? Hey man, don't be a fucking narc.

We just found them on the internet and they were just there. You know, like a lot of things. I just found this diamond necklace in the jewelry store. When people say you wouldn't, you wouldn't steal a car just by touching a button. Yeah, you fucking would. That's the easiest way to do it. Right now you have to break into it and hotwire it.

In any case, we're all good on the numbers, just in case you don't invent these alarm clocks that have Vin Diesel's voice telling us to re-record the numbers. Would be weird. So we have these forever. No, it would be weird if you didn't invent that clock. Yeah, it would be very strange if you didn't, because you have two months to do it, and to contact Vin Diesel, and to get him to record. Don't forget to record those numbers. Hey. Is that a good video? Are you Groot? No, I am Groot. I am Groot.

Let's get to it. This is number 16. Number one, six. This is, let me explain the format of Comedy Bang Bang because this always is someone's first episode that they're listening to.

Comedy Bang Bang is me as the host, Scott Aukerman, and we usually have a celebrity on. Me? No. I mean, you are certainly one letter of a celebrity. Maybe not A-list, but... Y-list? Hey, why list this?

But we have usually a celebrity on to, as themselves, to promote something. Of course, during the strike, that was harder and harder. We had a lot of authors and podcast hosts. We'll have a celebrity on, and then the...

Succeeding guests are comedians playing characters, usually insane people, eccentrics, sometimes sad, sad, sometimes sometimes happy, sometimes impressions of real people. And these are comedians doing it. And the entire show is improvised. We never talk about what we're going to talk about beforehand.

And we just spin that into podcast gold. That's right. And so what you're going to be hearing over these episodes are a series of clips from these episodes where sometimes we'll be talking to the celebrities and sometimes you'll be hearing comedians as other people. So that's I just wanted to get that very clear. Now, 50 minutes into the episode. Oh, all right.

This is episode 16. This is episode 839. Ooh, mid-800s almost. Yep. And this is from November 19, 2023. No, no, no, 19? That's right. That's very recent. This is, in fact, the most recent episode eligible for inclusion. Congrats to that episode. The very last episode that we recorded that was eligible, that is just cracking our top 16. Yeah.

This was a little episode called O.B. Have. O.B. Have. Not have. Which reads like O.B. Have. Yeah. Until you hear the episode. This was our first episode back after the strike, which meant stars are back. That's right. That's right. We had a fallow period from the summer until... Where Jimmy Fallow was on. Yes. Jay Lallow. Jay Lallow.

I don't even know what I'm saying. So, stars were back. Our old friend, Jon Hamm,

whom I had reached out to maybe a month before the strike ended and said, Hey, do you want to come on bang bang to do, uh, to, to promote Fargo? And he said, uh, I can't. And I was like, Oh, right. The strike. You forgot. For some reason I forgot. I just saw Fargo was coming out. I'm like, let me get John on the show thinking I'll get my friend, John, not, you know, sag, uh, actor, John. Uh, but the minute the strike was over, he,

He wrote back and said, like, let's do it. And he fit it into his busy press schedule. It's always great to have him on the show. He was also one of our first people to be on 15 years ago. He's been on many episodes. So we'll hear a little bit from John on this clip. And then we will hear comedian Drew Tarver that people may know from the television show The Other Two. He's playing a new character, music festival expert Jesse.

So let's hear it. This is your number 16. Number one, six. I cannot wait. I cannot wait to see Fargo. A big fan of the show and cannot wait to see you in it. Thank you. It may take me out of it a little bit because we're friends. Listen, talk about it. This is the Jon Hamm guarantee.

You might have that experience 10, 15 seconds of like, hey, that's my friend John. Oh, that's cool. And then suddenly... 15 seconds later, you're gone. You're in it. You are in Fargo. I will tell you... And whoever this guy is that's talking at you, he's going to scare you a little bit. He's certainly not good old John who lives around the corner. He feels he's above the law from what I hear. No, sir. You're like, this guy might...

go rogue and I'm a little scared. I will say that. To the point where you might text me and go like, are we cool? Are we alright? Because you're scaring me. Even though I don't recognize you anymore. It is a testament to both you and Bob Odenkirk's acting that even though I know you guys well

uh i have lost myself in your characters in in all of your shows uh so and it's not like that with some people i mean any any number of people that i know if they pop up in a show i'll suddenly start to look at the sets and the props and realize that they all have sides you know that they're sitting on underneath the couch and stuff like that but you with you i've definitely done that a couple times where you see something in somebody's back pocket and you're like i know that those are those are sides

I know that's a phone and I know those are sides and this is Game of Thrones. They shouldn't have either one of those. That's the thing. And we've talked about it with Amy Poehler. Like if you, any TV show, just realize that everyone is sitting on pages with lines on them. A hundred percent. One layer under whatever things are on the desk. They're hiding them somewhere. Let's get to our next guest. He's an expert.

This is exciting. I've never talked to an expert on this show before, but please welcome to the show for the first time, Jesse. How we doing? How are you? We're doing good. I mean, at least I'm doing good. I don't want to speak for John. No, I'm John. How are you doing? Thanks. Yeah, stars are back. Stars are back on the show. They're back.

You almost said we're back. I was worried. I changed it very quickly. I am not a star. You're not. They're back. To be frank, when I saw your face, I was like, has he been the star of major movies and television shows? No. A lot of people say I looked like a melted version of a real celebrity.

Sort of a Madame Tussauds accident. Right. Although, like Harry Dean Stanton, he sort of looked like a melted version of- Rest in peace. Rest in peace, of course. R.I.P. I'm blanking on what his face looks like. You're in between a celebrity and Harry Dean Stanton, I would say. There we go. You're just melted enough. Between celeb and Dean Stanton. Okay.

How we doing? You don't need to keep asking us that. We're doing all right. Still good. Still good. I will keep checking in because it'll change quick. Yeah, it may. It's about to change right now if you don't get to your thing. That's true. You are going to be angry if I don't set up this premise. Okay.

Well, I am an expert, and I am an expert on music festivals. Music festivals. I have been to all of them, and I love them. Let's list them. Coachella, The Rest, The Rest. And I'm glad that you skipped The Rest, because mine is only about Coachella. Oh, okay. But there's Lollapalooza. There's Outside Lands. Sure. Glastonbury. Glastonbury. Bumbershoot. Yes. Yeah. I feel like at some point when they started just going...

Making those names. I know. After Lollapalooza, all bets were off. Bumperjum, Bingledong. Bucklebackybue. Yeah. Bucklebackybue. Dumbledore. Dumbledore is a good one. But I am excited for this year's Coachella, and I have all of the recommendations that you're going to want to go to. Okay. Because I don't think the lineup has been announced. I have inside info. Tell us. I get out in one of the porta potties last year, and they packed me away.

Took you to the office where they make all these decisions? Took me to the office, and I'm a couple floors below where they make the decisions. Oh, wow. This is incredible. So I have been hearing a lot of cool stuff. Wow. Tell us. I mean, Coachella's usually in April. That's right, and it's coming up. There's two weekends in April, and this year you have to see Maggie Rogers.

Maggie Rogers is going to be there. Maggie Rogers has been there a couple of times. She has and she's back and she's going to be at the Dyson Vacuum 360 stage and it's going to be very fun this year. Interesting. Yes. And don't leave too early because when you leave, you will be able to walk out of there with a few Dyson bags. And I know those are bagless vacuums, but they're bringing back

bag they're bringing back bags to the dice by the way you have to carry your vacuum in something and that would be a Dyson bag yeah yeah it's not the bags that go inside them it's the carrying case like a travel case a travel case you don't want to get your vacuum dirty no and if you're traveling to a very dusty place you're gonna need that you're gonna need a dust you never know where you're headed and you want to have your usually you do know where you bought the plane tickets sometimes I'll show up to the airport and I got no surprise me surprise me surprise me

Do they always send you to the most expensive place? Yeah, they do. TSA loves that, right? They absolutely take advantage of me. They fully kill me. Right there at the ticket counter. Are you in debt right now? Yes. Oh, yes, yes. Now, did Dyson choose to sponsor this particular stage because they want everybody to vacuum up the desert?

Yeah, that's what we're hearing. That's a solution that no one has ever talked about. A solution to a problem that probably doesn't exist. Airy deserts with no water. Vacuum that up. Just vacuum it all up. Make it less dusty. We could clean these things up, these deserts.

And why don't we sweep the floors in California? Sweep the floors. I think we should start sweeping the floor, waxing the fence, painting the fence, and then maybe wax on or wax off. Nobody takes care of anything anymore. That's right. Nobody does it anymore. Wait, but you're here to talk about Coachella. You're not here to go off on a chunk about nobody taking care of anything anymore. You're right. I think that's a fun little side thing that maybe we could find something. Now, Mr. Rogers' daughter, Maggie, is performing. Yeah.

I did not know that. That's an interesting piece of trivia that she has Mr. Rogers on. Well, she comes on stage, she takes off her shoes and her cardigan, and then she does her music. So it's pretty cool. Yeah.

Anyway. By the way, about Mr. Rogers, thank God he was wearing a shirt underneath that cardigan. That would have been a very different show. That would have been so different. Can you imagine episode one? He takes off his cardigan. He's just talking to children and puppets with a bear chest. Yeah, that wouldn't have been right. But guys, Fred Rogers. Fred, hey, we've got a couple notes. It's Steve from PBS. We've got a couple notes. Oh, you want me to take off the

pants? No, we didn't say what we'd like. And then if you just hear us out, it's just maybe a t-shirt or some other layer under the cardigan. Yeah. Real quick. Do you guys know if there's a Hollister nearby and if they're having a sale on underwear and I need to buy the biggest, loosest boxers I could find? What?

I don't even know what a Hollister is. I guess that's an antiquated reference. Sort of like an Abercrombie. You lost me at Hollister. Damn. For the new era. Why do these underpants need to be so big? You know, I'm that type of guy that wears jeans and his boxers kind of ride up and billow huge over the top.

way up top you know that guy is there a name for that sort of puffy uh part of the boxer there should be there should be because if you you want to get they should call that the nimbus the nimbus you want a nimbus if you want to be a cool just overflowing like when you order soup uh and they deliver it and you're pouring a bowl and you're like holy shit this can go over the top of the bowl yeah and stop giving us so much soup this is the thing

I'll pay for it even if it's less. Or give me the soup and give me the little milkshake cup off the side with the soup. That's the solution. Or give me the soup and then buy me new bowls. They're bigger. Should I go back to the bit or should we talk about soup? I don't know. I don't really know. To be honest, it's a coin flip at this point. Listen, you don't want to miss Calvin Harris this year. Okay. He will be there. And then you want to grab a beer at the Off Bug Spray Ballers Only Lounge. You're going to love it there.

A little bit there. Okay, what is the off bugs? Oh, I know what off bugs spray is. Off bugs spray. I thought this was like off Broadway where it's connected to bug spray. Well, it is. And the lounge is only for ballers. Ballers only. Oh, okay. So if you're cool and you also hate mosquitoes, this lounge is perfect for you. For sure. I'm one of those at least. You're clearly cool if you're coming from that Calvin Harris show. Not his real name, by the way. Really? No. What's his actual name? Something else. And Hobbes?

Austin Powers. OBE. OBE is a really good network. I love that network. You're going to want to get VIP. Oh, really? You are going to want to. What's going on? This I know. Well, you get access to a fake marketplace golf cart, and that's going to be very fun for you. A what? I blew it.

All I had to do was say Facebook. You said fake book. Fake book. You said fake spook. Fake spook. Fake spook. And I blew it. You can mispronounce something ever so slightly, and it's fine. And it just ruins it. It takes you on this. Fake spook's marketplace. Yes. You...

Which is a marketplace that only sells fake books. Right. Interesting. So like- We're talking Moby Dick, but it ain't right. Moby Dick, there's no whale anywhere. There's no whale. It's just about a penis. Somebody tried to do it. Yeah. It's mostly about a penis. A vegan penis. Yeah. The first line, call who, Ahab? Exactly. There's so many fake books. Oh, Ishmael. No, wait. It's Ishmael. Ishmael.

One of the most famous opening lines in history. Call me Ahab. You blew it. I pulled a fakes book. You fakes book that right quick. The first line is, I dated Natalie Portman and it's all about Moby's dick.

Yeah, they combine a lot of different stuff. Oh, remember that news story? You should be an MTV VJ. I remember these things. Pulling trivia like that. Yeah, the Facebook golf cart is really awesome because on there you can get a free neck tattoo of your favorite big tech CEO. Feel free to look down at your notes the entire time instead of trying to maintain eye contact and then messing up all of your punchlines.

But I want to look up as well. You know we're not on camera, right? I can't figure out if I should improvise or do a written thing. And it's hard to go back and forth. You're somewhere in between in the middle of a sentence. Somehow I'm doing neither well.

And Scott, this year, Mezcal butt plugs are back. Oh, yes. Thank God. Did they ever go away? They were not there last year and people were upset. So go ahead and shove some smoky alcohol up your butt so you don't miss any of Diplo's set. Okay. What do you have next on this list? What do I got? Okay.

Let's see what I got. Feel free to look. Heim is here. Okay. Heim is going to be there. Great. It's been a while since they've headlined Coachella. I know. And they are back. If you love singer-songwriters, you're going to love them. And then right at the end of their set, they are going to throw their keyboard player. Goddamn. You are trying to maintain eye contact so hard.

To prove you could do it. We don't care. It's not blown. The punchline isn't blown yet. They're going to throw their keyboard player through the window of a Tesla Cybertruck to see if it breaks.

So that's really exciting. That's not one of the three Heim girls, though. No, no, no. It's another person who plays the keyboard. Okay, good. Also, this year, you get three free pukes in any Uber XL. Oh, amazing. So that's exciting. Okay. It's really exciting. Yeah. And Scott, real quick, do you have any parrot bay?

Parrot Bay. What is Parrot Bay? It's like it's a liquor that it's a rum. Yeah, I don't believe I have any Parrot Bay on me. So I can't get a Parrot Bay neat right now. All right, cool. Just thought I'd check. Real specific order. I think that one you didn't fuck up. I think that I've let's see, guys, before Sam Smith hits the stage.

Look, can you just do one more and do it strong and just read it the entire time? Okay. Okay. Let me pick one here. I like where you're going with Sam Smith. You did like that one. Yes, I think that's a lot of potential. Is that the one you're going to choose? Okay. Look down at it. Do not look at us. Okay.

Say every word. I want to connect, though. We don't mind. It feels like the connection is the problem. Is the problem? Yeah. I should just be reading. Maybe you're getting lost in Scott's eyes. You're right. He's got those baby blues. John was doing 16 pages a day. You can't even do one line. I can't do a thing. All right. Before Sam Smith hits the stage, microdose while you sign up for TSA PreCheck with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security.

That works. You hit our eyes at the very end of it when you were confident you had the olive. Real quick, though. Yeah. Can I get some jello shots? I'm thirsty. Now that we can do. Number one, six. Ah, there we go. Oh, behave. What can be said? What can be said about oh, behave other than very funny. Drew is an insane person. That's true.

A little later after that clip in the episode, if you go back and listen to the entire episode, Ryan Gall is on it as Doug Gropes. Always a pleasure to have Ryan. He's very sane. Yes. Go back and listen to Ryan Gall's episodes if you want to hear his actual phone number that people still call him and text him on every single day. He tries to give it out once per episode. Does he really? Lately, he does, yeah. Wow. All right. We're going to take a break. Our first break.

of the episode. We're going to take a break. And when we come back, we're going to hear your episode 15. This is very exciting. Paul, I need you to get your excitement level up. I'm there. Okay. We'll be right back.

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Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2023 Part 1. We are back. Paul F. Tompkins is here with me. That's right, I am. And we just heard episode 16 and Paul, you know what comes next. Death? Soon enough for us all, but no. Actually, we're going to be, we're counting down this year, by the way. We're not doing 16, 17, 18, 19, 20. We're counting down. Oh, I thought, yeah, I was going to say, why did we start at 16 if we're going to go up to 100? Yeah.

We're counting down, so we can only do now episode number 15. Number one, five. All right, episode 15. This is episode 787. A lot of people hated this one. Yeah. That's any episode. It's very strange that it made the top 16. So the last one that we had was 839. This is 787. Hmm.

This is from December 4th of 2022, which I know it's confusing. We're doing the best of 2023. What's December 4th doing you there? Because when we record this, we do it from Thanksgiving to Thanksgiving. Take it up with the judge. Yeah. Judge Ito. Judge Lance Ito. Or look, take it up with one of the dancing Itos. I don't care. Whatever happened to them? They were good. Whatever happened? They were a good troupe. Do you think they stayed together? Yeah.

It would be great to watch So You Think You Can Dance. Yeah. And the fucking dancing Eidos come out. They were some of the originators of the game. Yeah, it's true. It's true. Why don't they get enough respect? Why don't we see tributes to them on the Grammys? Where's their star in the Walk of Fame? Yeah. Okay. This is from December 4th, 2022. It is a or an episode called Nature Nurture Nietzsche.

Paul, would it surprise you to learn that you're in this episode? It would, because that title meant nothing to me. That title meant nothing to me. Okay, well, what is this? This is an episode that our friend Christian Bruhn was on. Christian, of course, we got to know...

Uh, he's an actor that we got to know when he was on Orphan Black. He and Tatiana Maslany, uh, came to see us in San Diego wearing, uh, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costumes as a disguise so they wouldn't be bothered. He is a graduate of the King of Prussia Military Academy. That's right. And he, he had a, uh, uh, after Orphan Black, he had a role on some Canadian show called, uh, Major Billingboo or something. What was it? It was... He, it's called...

Midsommar Murders and he played known here as the artful detective right he played constable Johnstable yes

And currently. Sorry, Murdoch Mysteries. Midsommar Murders is something else. That's right. Currently, he is on a show called The Recruit, which I believe is a Netflix show. Very enjoyable show. He came and talked to us all about it. He also plays Constable Johnstable on that show. It's a spinoff. It's like how Richard Belzer played Munch. Yeah.

So this episode was when the recruits first premiered. He came on to talk about it.

Um, and then, uh, after that, we'll hear from Santa Claus, but Paul, uh, you've done Santa Claus many times on the show. Yes. Including, uh, just this week, uh, you played him in two CBB world episodes. You played him on. I played him in two CBB world episodes. Scott hasn't seen and Heinz. I'm proud to meet you. I also played him on the Andy Daly. Oh, you did. Bananas for Bonanza. Um, uh,

I think that's it. And Santa Claus, you've been doing him now for, I want to say eight years, maybe somewhere around there. Yeah, I think so. He's very gruff. He's certainly he's jolly. I don't need to explain the concept of Santa Claus to you, but jolly in a mean way. And mean in a jolly way. That's true. So you told me to introduce you as Santa Claus.

Now I remember this. But then there is a little surprise. It is not, in fact, Santa Claus. It's another character that Paul does portraying Santa Claus. That's right. This is a character that you had debuted earlier in the year on tour. This is a character called Major Bob. That's right. Major Bob Driver.

And tell us about Major Bob Driver. Major Bob Driver, of course, was inspired by Tom Hanks' portrayal of Colonel Tom Parker in the movie Elvis. And I was so tickled by this very strange performance that was not at all true to what the man sounded like in any way. It's like the direct opposite of what he sounded like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, to be a successful con man, as Colonel Tom Parker was, you couldn't sound like a weird Dutch guy.

Which he did not. He sounded, he sounded American. That's how he was able to do it. But I think Tom Hanks, like he's at this point in his career where he's like, I'm tired of talking like Tom Hanks. Yeah. Let me talk like a weirdo. Yeah. And so he figures out a way to talk like a weirdo other than in a man, of course, called Otto. Yeah. Which, which by the way, if you just hear that title. Yeah. Don't you think it's about a guy who thinks he's a car?

You're saying if you don't read it. Yeah, if you just hear someone talking about this movie. But I don't think he thinks he's a car. I think other people think he's a car.

And he's going crazy like, I'm not a car! Stop trying to get in me! I'm trying to drive me! That's not my stick shift! But A Man Called Otto, of course, Scott and I, it's our joint favorite film. Yes, because we share it. It's too good of a film just for one of us to have. A lot of our favorite stuff will say, no, that can't be your favorite. It's very much sibling rules. That can't be your favorite because it's my favorite. And I'm older, so I get to dictate. Yeah.

So this is, we'll first hear from Paul playing Major Bob playing Santa. And then in between the clips, Matt Gourley comes in as a character named Teen Geiger. You'll hear a little bit of him in the next clip, which is a section from Lisa Gilroy as a character named Pionis Pilates. So let's hear it. This is your episode 15. Number one, five.

Well, The Recruit is out December 16th on Netflix. Christian, it's great to have you. Would it surprise you to learn that we have to get on to our next guest? It would not surprise me. I know how this goes. I'm surprised you gave me this much time. I'll just leave now. No, stick around. Oh, really? No, we want you here. Oh, okay, great. Yeah, because, you know, it is the beginning of December. Yeah. And you know what that means.

Snow? Yeah, in Canada. Come on, Big Bear. They got snow in California. Sure. You can famously surf and ski in the same day, Scott. I have lived here for, I moved back here in 1994, so I lived here for almost 30 years. I've done that every day. Yeah, I mean, it shows. You've got the body of a surfer and a skier. I spend $5,000 in gas every week. Yeah.

Yeah, the price of gas. Do you want to talk about that? No, thank you. We have to get to our next guest. It is December. We know what that means. It's time for the old bowl of jelly belly himself. What? No. That's right. Santa Claus is here. No. Welcome, Santa Claus. Ho, ho, ho.

What a pleasure to see you all at this Christmas time. Hi, Santa. Ho, ho, ho, et cetera. Yeah. Hello. Hello, my boy. Ho, ho, ho. Hi. Ho, ho, ho to you. Thank you. Yes. Ho, ho, ho. Are you sick, Santa Claus? Is everything all right? No, I've never felt better. Ho, ho, ho. Oh, so you've been sick every other time I've talked to you? Yeah. Perhaps. Perhaps.

I mean, I do usually see you in December. True, but... It's cold and flu season. You might say that I am a new man. Ho, ho, ho. Oh. Legit ho, ho, ho there. Oh, yeah. So wait, the others are in affectation? Catchphrase. Oh, got it, got it. Everyone loves it. They demanded us to close. That's like when Borat literally says, my wife. Oh, my wife. He refers to his wife. Exactly. And everyone's like, okay, that's a legitimate one. Sometimes Borat is legitimately referring to his wife. The other times he knows what he's doing. Ho, ho, ho.

Well, listen, I came here to talk about Christmas. Oh, good. Well, it's coming up. Oh, yes, it is my busy time of year when I deliver the toys to all the Christian boys and girls. I mean, it really is. It's one day a year. So you can't say like December is your busy season necessarily. It's just one day. I have to make the toys, don't I? Well, yeah, but you're only doing it in December.

That's very rushed. We really need to be doing that a little more often. Listen, I'm glad you're bringing this up because it's time to talk about some changes being made to Christmas. Oh, changes. Yes. Is this like the, I believe the MLB is not going to have umpires next year? Like does Christmas change every year? No, that's the same. We will still not have umpires. For Christmas. That would be terrible if you went downstairs trying to get your presents. There was an umpire there going, you're out.

And the umpires we don't have will still be wearing their signature chest pads. And will they have the, what is it, the FTV? What was it? Those patches that they wore? I don't know, and I don't care. During the World Series, they wore those patches for that crypto thing. Yes, I know. I don't want to talk about umpires because they have nothing to do with Christmas. Oh, but I was talking about them. Yes, and I don't want to do that. Oh, okay. Come, my boy, I am your guest. Okay, let's talk about what you want to talk about. Yes, so this year for Christmas, um...

There's a new policy in place and that if you want to get the Christmas gift that you asked for from Santa Claus, who is me, it's a mere $8. Wait, wait, wait, wait. And then you absolutely get...

The present that you want. Oh. Wait, wait, wait. If you don't pay $8, you get something. Oh, $8. Well, I mean, $8, it's kind of like paying the tax, I guess, if you win a car on the prices, right? Well, it depends on the size of the gift. I mean, if it's a really big gift, if it's a car, like a real car. Children don't get cars for Christmas. Yeah, but what about adults who still believe in Santa Claus? Yeah, you see those huge bows? They are not allowed. Why do they make those huge bows if Santa doesn't give cars? That's for reals.

Wait, what kids have $8 to pay for this, though? This service? Well, we'll find out, won't we? Hmm. I don't know if this is a good business model. How are they supposed to get the $8 to you? It's not a business model. Santa gives gifts, but if you want to get the thing you want, it will cost you $8. Okay. How do they get the $8 to you? They send it to Santa Claus, North Pole, Santa.

Care of Major Bob Driver, Los Angeles, California, 90125. Sorry, I couldn't quite hear what you just... Santa Claus! North Pole! Major Bob Driver. Speak up a little bit on this stuff. Major Bob Driver? It's on the recording, is it not? Major Bob Driver? Is that what I said? I mean, you were very quiet, so it was hard to hear, but... Major Bob Driver, that...

That's a weird thing that you would say that name because that's... It's merely part of the address, my boy. That's my manager. Is it? Yeah, Major Bob Driver. Well, your career is thriving, my boy, so he must be very good at his job. Interesting. Yeah, we spoke to him in New York City. New York City. Ha ha ha.

It's reflective, isn't it? It's strange that the biggest city in the world can have a, you just mentioned it, and then that pops into everyone's head. Is that company still even in business? I don't know. What was it, Chile? Pace Picante? I believe. It was Picante. I couldn't even tell you what it was for, and yet I remember that.

It was a bunch of cowboys who were outraged at the idea that there's salsa from New York City or something. Matt Gwily here, get a rope. Why is Matt asking us to get a rope? Anyway, kids, send in your $8 to Santa Claus and you will get the gift that you want. Santa, where did you get this idea from?

Where's this $8 idea from? It just came to me. I am an innovator. Sounds very familiar to something that's happened recently. That's all. Nope. Okay. Oh, it doesn't. Not to me. My mistake. Not to Santa Claus. Who I am. Okay. Santa, your beard-

It seems to be a different color than I normally... Every time you've gone... Have you been dyeing your beard? Or what is it? What color do you remember it being? Well, it was always this Christmassy, snowy white. Snowy white, yes. This is... It looks like it has yellow stains, like cigarette stains. Yeah, like around the mustache area. Right, right.

I've taken up smoking. Just in the last year? I am immortal. Why not? What was I doing not smoking? That's a good point. Yeah, all right. Sometimes I drink poison for fun. Is it fun? It is fun. You see the little skull and crossbones on the bottle? And you know that's not going to be me.

to be me. That's like liquid death. The water brand. Too scary. Too scary. Well, yeah, it's just your whole appearance. I mean, you're still quite corpulent.

Jolly. Jolly. Okay, yeah, that's code. I see that on audition breakdowns. Jolly. He's jolly. Yeah, jolly. Or skipped gym day. I've literally seen that on a breakdown. Gym day. Yeah. I can understand leg day. That one day would have paid off. But your... And your clothes, I mean...

Are they not red? They are red, but it's not the traditional Santa Claus. No, I mean, it's just a red T-shirt.

But red? It is red, yeah. And my beard is mostly white? Yeah. Santa Claus, he and I, we are the same. Look, I'm just going to cut to the chase because the chases are fun. And that's when you're watching a movie, you sometimes wish. Cut to the chase. Right, got it. Yeah, I knew a filmmaker who once thought it was cut to a chase. And he took out all the interesting parts. Save the cat! Oh, jeez. Um...

Look, I'm just going to yank on your beard. Okay.

Okay, that's... You yanked on it so hard, it's not on my face anymore. Yeah, more than a yank. Look, this is a fake beard. Okay, I see the tag here. It says machine washable, which I don't know why you're not taking its advice. It's filthy. Look, it's my first day. Your first day what? It's my first day as Santa Claus. Look, you have a bear face right now. I see who you are. You're my bear. It's as bare as the day I was born.

Born, my boy. It's as bare as a baby's butt. Which I had when I was born. Yes, that's right. But speaking of butts, you're obviously my manager, Major Bob Driver. Hello.

What are you doing here pretending to be Santa Claus, Major Bob? Okay.

Well, my boy, you know there are many ups and downs in the show business game. And sometimes it's wise to invest your money and diversify. And so I have taken over the Santa Claus operation from Santa Claus. You've taken it over? Yes, and it's proving to be a very challenging business. And so I am trying to figure it out as I go along and make the best of it. Make improvements, improvements. Everything is better.

now. Well, Major Bob, I mean, I know that last year you were out there mouthing off about Santa Claus and how you could do so much of a better job and and how you were going to finally free all the presents from the tyranny of what Santa Claus is doing. And his and then and then I said, I'm just kidding. And then Santa's stock went way down. And then I was and then it became legal where I was forced to sort of

Yeah. Take over the Santa Claus operation. You legally had to take over the Santa Claus operation? I legally had to because I was affecting the business with my mouth. Okay. Oh, boy. Yeah. So it's not going well then. It's... I'm innovating. It's going better than ever. It's challenging but fun. Is it fun? It's fun.

Wow. You're frowning so hard right now. I'm having fun! And I think everyone is. There are like lightning bolts coming out of your eyes. People will be happy with the new Santa Claus operation, which is that you pay $8 to get your verified present. Also, you cannot make fun of me. If you are writing a song about Santa Claus, you can't say that I am fat. You can't say that I am old. You can't say that I wear glasses. You can wear glasses? Just nearsightedness?

By the way, if you are immortal, why do you have bad eyes? Yeah, and here's another question. When you became Santa Claus, I mean, do you get his magic? No.

Okay, you need him still immortal, man. You're still immortal. This is what's going on. Yes, and I could die at any moment. Oh, I'm feeling a heart attack coming on if you don't think my idea's good. Oh, no. Please, not that. Oh, please, my boy. Who takes the mantle if you die? I can't really discuss that. I'm having a heart attack at the moment. My boy, my boy, please stay by me. I'm sorry, Major Bob. I'm sorry. I just... Major Bob.

Santa, the whole Christmas operation has always been free. I don't know if you're going to be too successful at convincing people to pay $8 for something that they used to get for free. But now it's very confusing because it has grown. It's a new modern age. And everyone wants to know. That's too many ands. Yeah, that's a lot of ands. The more ands you say, the more desperate you seem. Those are bonus ands, my boy. Oh, okay. Those are free. We don't have to pay for those. No. Amazing.

All right. Well, speaking of the minions, we need to get to our next guest. Please. And I don't know what they have dominion over, but they are a mythical creature. Please welcome Pianus Pilates. Oh, wow.

Oh, no! Oh, my God. What just happened? Oh, no! Don't be afraid of me, Scott. My immortal presence is terrifying, isn't it? Oh!

Wait, you just said not to be afraid of you, so I wasn't. But now you're saying you're terrifying? I clanked into here noisily with my herbs underfoot, rearing up on my mighty haunts. You have like one bottle for a foot, and it sounds like a basket full of marking pens as another foot? Shush, little one. You are the little one from the prophecy. You're only like 6'4". I'm humongouser than that.

I'm six foot ten. Oh. And I'm half man, half centaur. Oh, I'm sorry. Turn to the side. Wait. I said it wrong. Wait. I'm familiar with this. I'm familiar with a half man, half centaur. Who is three-fourths man? Yeah, that would be three-fourths man. You're mostly man. You just have like...

A bottle for a foot and a basket of marking pens for another foot. That's not even a horse. One quarter horse, three quarters man. To blow the knees? Is that what you're saying? Wait, wait.

The torso of a man for a head, and then also human feet on the end of the horse legs. The heads of a man. The body part, the first half, upper part, man. The pecs. The legs, one leg, horse. Oh, okay. Other...

The feet of a man. The feet of a man. The eyes of a man. Okay. The other leg. Oh, we're just going part by part. Of a man. Like, mostly man so far. The tail of a horse. Oh, you have a horse tail? Can we see it? What's your dingle?

Penis of a man. Bottom part. Top part. Horse. Oh, wait. When you say top part, do you mean the head or do you mean everything above the balls? So you're part vegetable, animal, man, and mineral. Oh.

Scott, I've come here clinging your jaw down with my herbs, knocking everything about and scaring you and all your little friends. I was here. I saw it. You don't have to recap. I've come to find you, little one. Oh. You're the little boy from the prophecy. Again, you're slightly taller than me. What do you need from me?

My kind is going extinct. You're kind of... What? You're kind of going stained? You're getting into stained? It's been a while. My kind is going extinct. Oh, extinct. Extinct. Extinct? Are you doing a pun?

See... I'm the last of my half... No! ...man-half-sons war. No, I'm so sorry! And the prophecy said one little boy, very tall, sad blue eyes, bad personality, could help me. That's him, all right. Scott, hop on...

my rump and ride with me to the forest. Hold on, I don't know how I'm supposed to help you. I'm going in things, please. But I don't know what else I could do other than have sex with all

Wait, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what I'm asking for, Scott. It's what I'm asking for. Hop on my rump and I'll ride you. Again, it sounds like that's what you're asking for. I'll trot you to the forest where you will be the chosen little boy to remove the rock from the stone. The rock from the stone? Wait a minute.

As legend has it. What forest? The forest in Mufufia Bufancia, my land. How long of a trip is this? Because I still need to get up to Big Bear this afternoon. I was already surfing in the morning. It's not a long trip. We'll take Santa Claus Lane. Oh, okay. You know that street? Hop on my rump and I'll rump you down it. I do not want to hop on your rump. You

You must, little one. Could we get like a tandem motorcycle or something where we could do side by side? The prophecy tells the sad little boy must romp on the rump of the last remaining sense wall. I have a good personality. I'm familiar with this. You have to hop on the rump and then rap on the hump. I don't know. By the way, I mean...

it's not a very big shelf down there. I mean, it doesn't look like I would be able to fit. It's a very skinny ass is what I'm trying to say. It's half centaur ass and half human ass. One of the cheeks is humongoid. The other is just normal. One is not enough. It's enough for you, skinny little one. Well, thank you. Please, my kind is going

instinct because because we're being killed and hunted for our powers oh wait you have powers yes what are they more than i could ever list well listen list a couple okay i'll list three oh good um first he can run faster than the even as fast as a fastest man like usain bolt

Yes. Okay. But less fast than him, but almost quite as fast. Oh, okay. So almost as fast as Usain Bolt. That's impressive. So with four legs, you can almost run as fast as Usain Bolt? Yes. Yeah. Aren't horses faster than Usain Bolt?

Yes. But that's a full horse. Full run power. So this is not that great. I have the feet of a man. You can't run as fast as a horse. The head of a man. Okay, I remember all these things. The tail of a horse. What are your other two powers?

Second power. I can say a funny fact at any time. Go, go, go, go. List three. Go, please. Three facts. One, strawberries are the only fruit with the seeds on the outside. Two, Empire State Building is taller than the other buildings. Three, banana is the only food that's truly yellow. Ah!

So all the other yellow foods are just... Truly yellow, Scott. The yellow of a banana. Tortilla chips? No, food. They're more of a can. Okay, my third skill. I can, well, and any centaur can do it. We have raw, dripping, wet sex appeal. And we can bed...

any woman we lay eyes on. Go for it. There's no women here. Oh, that's right. I'm kind of on the verge. So unusual for Comedy Bang Bang. But I have bet almost every actress. Nicki Minaj.

Bob Strachan. Great actress. Hayley Joel Osment. Nicki Minaj. Hayley Joel Osment. But unfortunately, none have the pussy of a centaur. And I can't procreate to keep us from going insane. Well, here's my conundrum.

You mentioned that people are killing your kind. That's my name, Mike Conundrum. Oh, really? Mike? I'm sorry, I thought your name was Pianus Pilates. My human name is Mike Conundrum. Oh, okay. I'm a censor. So you're three quarters Mike Conundrum. And a quarter Pianus Pilates. Mike Conundrum. Here's my issue. You say people are killing your kind to get their powers. The police.

The police are hunting us. The police are hunting you? Yes. Oh. Just the police? What do you mean, just the police? Well, I mean, why do the police want your powers? Because they're jealous. They're jealous? Purely just for jealousy's sake? Yes. Okay, here's my thing, though. You're implying that if I were to kill you, I'd get your powers, and you just said that I could have sex with any actress I wanted, right?

So why aren't I killing you right now? Because there's only one way to kill a centaur. What is it? And if you haven't read the Bible by Joseph Smith, you won't know what it is. You're a Mormon centaur? Every centaur is. Every centaur is a Mormon? LDS? Yes, Latter Day Saints. Are we allowed to say LDS anymore? I heard you weren't allowed to say that. I can say whatever I

Piss fuck shit. Oh, okay. Look, just tell us the way to kill you. Okay, you have to pull my tail, and it's attached to my butt, which is attached to my heart, and all the noodles will come out of my body immediately and fall slop on the floor. Please don't do it. Okay, I mean, I kind of want to do it. No!

It kind of seems like he wants us to. I'm the last one and you're the little boy meant to save me. How could you? How can I save you if I jump on your rump? Get on my rump. Okay, yeah. Or ride into the forest and you'll pull the stone from the rock. The stone from the rock. No, it was the rock from the stone. Matt Gourley here doing a caricature of Giger. Hey, don't make fun of my guestine, Giger. Sorry. You and he, you are.

You are the same. It's happening. Number one, five. There we go. Pionis Pilates. Can't say much more than that.

Just Lisa Gilroy craziness. And that was at the old studio, right? Yeah, that was one of the last episodes that we did. The very last ones were the best of last year. Wow. That we did in the Earwolf studio. Wow. Now we're saying wow backwards. Can you tell? Wow. Wow. What did I say? Frontwards or backwards? Wow. This certainly is a rundown. Wow. Wow. Wow. Who are the other...

Who are the other famous wows? The famous wowers. I do want to make a speak and spell with celebrities on it instead of animals. Absolutely. Where it's like it lands on Owen Wilson. It just goes, Owen Wilson says wow. So it's not that they're doing animal noises even. No. It's just pictures of celebrities and then the thing they say. The thing they say. But Christopher Walken's a great one. Wow. Wow. I also say wow. Assuming you landed on Owen Wilson first. Oh.

Anyway, great episode. All right, we're going to take a break. When we come back, we are going to hear your choice for episode number 14. Paul, this is so exciting. Wow. We'll be right back. For 25 years, nothing has tasted better after a hard day's work than a Mike's Hard Lemonade. It's because since day one, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. We use three kinds of lemons, all handpicked from family farms.

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20.

21 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Welcome back, Comedy Bang Bang. Welcome back, Comedy Bang Bang. Hey, nice of you to come back so we can be on you. Nobody welcomes the show itself back. I know, people welcome guests back, they welcome the listeners back. Do you think it would be a good Pixar movie? Shows? Yes. Where shows come to life? Yeah. When no one's around, shows come to life. I love Lucy. I love Lucy.

it's the news i guess video game i mean wreck it ralph is that for video games so why can't shows so why can't shows i did not realize that's what i guess i didn't know what wreck it ralph was is he what is he supposed to be but you've seen it so many times yeah but i always fall asleep i started too late is the problem yeah but you fall asleep right before the credits the end credits

Oh yeah, I guess. How do you not know what this movie is about? I guess I just assumed it continued for hours after I fell asleep. No, no. It's about whatever you saw. Because I remember the moment I fall asleep, I'm always saying like, God, this is such a long movie. I can't believe there's three hours left in it. And then I fall asleep. Wow.

Yeah, that's what it's about. It's about all the video game characters and separate tabletop and stand-up arcade games coming to life. Are they based on real games? Yes. Your donkey's Kong. And then Wrecker Ralph is a made-up guy. Yeah. Okay. One made-up guy. I'm Wrecker Ralph. Nobody likes me. Hey, I'm Sarah. Sarah Silverman. What did she play in the movie? She's a princess. She's a Disney princess. The first Jewish Disney princess.

Wait, but that's not a real thing. It is, yeah. What? Yeah. She's Princess... Wait, is that a Disney movie? And so that counts as a Disney princess? Yeah. Is there a character, like a face character at Disneyland? I think so. Yeah, let me look this up. Wow. She is the first... The Jewish-American Disney princess? Yes. Jadp?

Uh, Princess, uh, Miriam Ruth. Oh, uh, Vanellope. Yes. Vanellope. Princess Vanellope. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Breaking news. According to this, she is not considered to be an official Disney princess. This may be because Vanellope says herself, her code may say she is a princess, but she is actually a racer.

I think we're splitting hairs here, Disney. Come on. Wait, this character's also in Eraser? Yeah. Starring Arnold Schwarzenegger? Yes, and Eraserhead. Wow. Arnold Schwarzenegger says wow. All right, we got to get to it. We've been teasing it for far too long.

This is your choice for episode number 14. Number one for... Episode 14. This is episode 789. Nice. The last one we heard was 787. This is just a couple weeks later. This is a couple... It's a few weeks later, though, because we had best ofs in between these. This episode came out January 1st. That's right. New Year's Day of 2023. Mm-hmm.

First episode of the year. Is there a day more miserable than New Year's Day? I guess you're relaxing if you're lucky. I guess. I've just always hated it. I don't know why. Yeah, I know what you mean. There's something about it that just feels like really malazy. We went to the Rose Parade one year. That was fun. I could not think of something I want to do less. Really? It was fun because you get to see all the bands.

What bands? Rolling Stones. Coldplay. Is that true? They never televise them. I mean the marching bands, of course. Oh, the marching bands. I forgot marching bands existed. Wouldn't that be funny if the Rolling Stones played the Rose Parade and they're like, now we're not going to televise this. Can't get the rights to Rolling Stones songs. Here's what I love about marching band music. It is the most ancient songs played at a breakneck pace.

I liked it the year we went, because one marching band did Nintendo theme songs. That's fun. And then they, rounding the corner, they all imitated certain video game characters the way they walked and stuff. It was very fun. The fuck? Yeah, it was cool. I gotta look that up. Yeah. I'm not gonna do that, guys. Okay, so this is January 1st, 2023. This is an episode called Oh My God, Becky.

Yes, of course. Yes, of course. Now, the first episode of the year, traditionally, the first regular episode, not best of episode, we traditionally have Ben Schwartz on, our friend Ben Schwartz, who people will know from such things as he's the voice of Sonic in Sonic the Hedgehog movies. He's in the after party. He's always got shit going on. Always. He was in Renfield. Was he? Yeah. He's always got shit going on. Wow.

Who, which one was that? Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage. So this is an exclusively a wow speaking spell? I mean, you're not going to get these guys to record this shit for, you know, all day long. You know what I mean? That's a good point. Yeah. You're going to have to pay them like an insane amount of money just to come in and say wow and leave. Does Nick Cage say anything more recognizable than wow? I guess face off maybe? Hey!

So, Ben Schwartz is on this episode, and he is sort of acting as my co-host or the main celebrity guest. The first clip we will hear is, you heard him earlier as music festival expert Jesse, but we'll hear Drew Tarver as Henry. Henry! Nope. Short for hemorrhoid. Hemorrhoid Heimlich. Boy, if you could give your hemorrhoids the Heimlich and they'd be gone.

How would that work? Someone comes around and squeezes your butt from behind. No, this is Henry Heimlich. This is a character he's done many times, including on tour with us. This is the inventor of the Heimlich maneuver.

And then after that, we will hear a little bit of Mary Holland, who's a great comedian. Just saw her in an upcoming movie that's coming out on Hulu in about three weeks from now. Oh, yeah. I saw an ad. Jake Johnson's movie. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Yes. She's in that, but she's also in the arm wrestling movie that she did. The Golden Arm. But the holiday movie that she did was really great. I don't remember the name of it.

But it was about a big and a little getting together and having a relationship. A big and a little? What do you mean by that? Well, Kristen Stewart and... Happiest season, by the way. Happiest season. Kristen Stewart and I always call her Cameron, but that's not her actual name. Clay Duvall.

no no clay deval's not in the i mean oh yeah uh no she was the director sorry mackenzie oh oh from uh uh halton catch fire yes yes yes yes mackenzie davis mackenzie davis jesus christ yes she's very tall she's very tall so a big and a little getting together big and a little getting together and it's not you don't see that story that often no that's the main conflict in the movie yes it's underrepresented in hollywood and

And you can't be it if you can't see it. And so... Exactly. For bigs and littles that fall in love, this is a wonderful thing. So Mary Holland, she plays a character named Barb Nutz. Ha ha ha!

She always has great names for her characters. She truly does. Let's hear it. This is your choice for episode number 14. Number one, four. But please welcome back to the show, Henry Heimlich. Hello, Scott. How are you? Henry, so nice to meet you. I'm Ben. Hello, Ben. Are you choking? Sorry? Sorry?

Are you choking? Right now, I know. I think the way you can tell is if someone's breathing or talking, they're not choking. Right. That's right. It was a trick question. Okay. And you're not choking, and you passed the test. Oh, wow. I'm worried about the lifespan of this guy. I haven't spoken, by the way. I'm worried about the lifespan of this guy. I'm coming in hot, and guns are blazing. Okay.

Henry, I hadn't spoken for 60 seconds prior to me just speaking right now, but you didn't ask if I was choking. Yes, are you choking? Well, no, I just started speaking. Good. Another trick question and you pass the test. Now, do you teach classes, Henry? Yes, of course. Well, I invented the Heimlich maneuver. You know my maneuver. Have you used it? I'm not doing a bit. I just took a class to learn it and I know exactly how to do it.

Great. So you make a fist. That's right. You make a fist. Well, are we doing an adult or infants? What are we doing? Well, you can do it at anyone over one years old. Okay. If they're under one, put them on the knee and pat them on the back. That's close. Close? It's close. I don't do the babies.

You're adults only, right? I'm adults only. 18 plus. Sometimes you do barely legal Heimlich maneuvers, right? Occasionally, I had a Patreon OnlyFans where I did barely legal Heimlich. Jesus Christ. Yes, they're just 18. They're choking. But I show their license. Choking on what, by the way?

You're nasty, Scott. God, he is nasty. He's the nastiest man. He's turning red. When you make him embarrassed, he turns a little bit red. He's the nastiest man. Okay, so you take a fish? He's telling everybody about my Barely Legal channel, bringing it up immediately. I knew it was just a matter of time. Well, then why'd you do it? You keep doing it. Take it off the frickin' internet. Right. I want it.

it off the internet but you can't get things off you know this of course you can you can only put things on unless your Hulk Hogan sex tape is not going anywhere which I've been looking for by the way it's the sexiest sex tape I've ever seen he's always saying I'm so full I'm such a pig he says

That's your thing? He says it in his. It's my favorite tape of all time. Of course, by the way, a person who loves the Heimlich would want to watch something where someone so full is going to choke. Yeah, because he's going to choke if he fucks. Yeah. Luckily, he never gets around to it. He calls his daughter. He says, I'm a pig. So you have seen it. You have seen it. I've seen it. And it's gone and I'm upset about it. It's my favorite video. Sorry, buddy. It's okay.

Hey, Henry. Welcome. A fist. A fist? A fist. You make the fist. You put the thumb of your fist in the sternum. Right. Right below you go down. How can you tell someone where the sternum is? Because it's a listening thing. How many fingers from the belly button? How many fingers from the belly button? Eight. Depends on how... You stack them. So first you want to make sure you're...

First, you pull the person's shirt off. You could save somebody's life right now before you... You better do it right, okay? First... So if you suspect anyone is joking, pull their shirt off. Well, it can happen in an instant. It can happen in an instant. What are you talking about? Choking! It can happen in an instant.

I mean, most things happen in an instant. That's true. They happen, and then that's it. But it can happen in an instant. Okay, right. You know, in an instant. You're talking with your friends. You're like, oh, I'm choking. Somebody else is choking. First thing you do, take your shirt off. Take their shirt off or your shirt off? Strip them down. Down to the underwear? Leave the underwear on. Okay.

I'm kidding. Give them some dignity. No, I'm kidding. No, you got to tell us when you're kidding. You don't strip them. You're a big kidder. I kid all the time. I'm kidding. You stack your fingers up about the top of the belly button. Four fingers, four fingers, eight fingers. That's the sternum. Okay. Then you grab and don't put your head right behind their head. Kind of peek around. Right. So don't put your nose on their back. Sort of nuzzle their neck. Nuzzle their neck. Okay.

Get your shit in there like you're loving them. They're your lover. Are you saying anything? You can say. You can whisper, hey, stop joking. You can whisper like, it's going to end soon. Yeah, that's good. This is all going to end soon. But yes, you can try verbal. Hey, stop joking. Okay. Try verbal first. Try verbal. Start with verbal. Like, are you kidding? Like, don't make a fool of me here. Um.

stuff like this. Don't make a fool of me. I'm with my family. Now I'm over here at your table. You're choking quotes. But then they're like, okay, okay. Or no, they can't say anything. If they can't say anything. You know they're choking. Well, you know the universal sign of choking. Two hands up.

Two hands up on their neck. Sharp fingers. Thumbs out. You mean fingers extended? Fingers extended. Sharp fingers. Sharp as they can get. You see my fingers? Watch me cut the cheese with these fingers. Not farting, Ben. You're kidding. No. You just farted. I was kidding. You are kidding. Next to us. Okay, I love doing cut the cheese jokes. You didn't even let me do it. You said it. You didn't even let me respond. I said don't do it. Yeah, but I didn't. Because I know you're going to

beat me to it you know you're farting no and you wanted to be the one who said it yes you're so quick you have a block of cheese with you yes i was going to show you how sharp my fingers are so you weren't kidding i wasn't kidding oh i'm cutting cheese okay oh come on henry excuse me come on is that your catchphrase no yeah i did see martin seal that for you

Steve Martin followed me around all the time. Stealing my stuff. Yes. I played the banjo. There he goes. Oh, my God. There he goes. He went on a plane, a train. Automobile. And then, so are you older than Steve, just so we know? Barely. Barely. So the Heimlich Maneuver was invented right before Steve Martin was born. That's right. Well, he was one of the first people who received it. Is that right?

Isn't that true? That is true. When he was a little baby, yeah. Yes, he was a little... But you don't do babies. I don't do it. Is it because of this experience with Steve Martin? Well, no, it's because my son choked to death on a commemorative Lego piece. Oh, no. What was it commemorating, by the way? Back to the Future. Back to the Future. Oh, no. It was Back to the Future commemorative Lego piece. So this is post-85.

Post 85. Do you know that if Back to the Future was alive today, it would be 100 years old? Did you know this? I think the dates are wrong, but I understand what you're going for. You get it, right? I get it. Yeah, of course I get it. All right. Well, we need to get to our next guest. I can't believe you have another guest. This is very exciting. Yeah, this is an incredible- Very cool. Incredible packed show. We need to get to her. She's a crafter. Please welcome Barb Nutz. Hello, Flav!

flowers did you make these oh I made them I made them Barb has just brought out a gorgeous array of flowers thank you so much welcome to the show thank you are these for us or are they no this is me but I brought them I just wanted just an example of what I can do with my craft you just wanted to look at them I mean yeah just them I made them out of broken

Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus. Stop poking us with him. I'm cut. You're not joking, are you? No, I'm not joking. Nice to meet you, cut.

No, I'm bleeding. Oh, nice to meet you, bleeding. No, his name is Henry. Barb Nutz, everyone. Barb! Are you okay, Barb? I'm okay. Craft is my passion. I can make out of anything. I love to DIY. Anything out of anything?

Finish the sentence, Barb. You can do it. You can do it. We're all pulling for it. You like to spend in my free time. And in my free time, I like to spend it. I like to make hats out of mason jars. Hats out of mason jars? Broken mason jars? They don't have to be broken. Would you just turn it upside down and put a brim on it?

Yeah, that's cool. Like a plate? Like a plate. And what I can do, you won't believe what I can do. You're wearing one now. See? It's very cute. See? When the sun hits it. It's a fascinator. That's like an Abraham Lincoln. And there is something brining in it. Yeah, this is an all. Oh, wow. And it's brining in my hat. How long has it been brining in your hat? Three.

Oh my God. It's my grandmother's pickle. Oh, wow. She must have got it though from several generations back. So this pickle has been passed down? Yeah, I guess so. 300 years. Yeah, it's been in the nut family for years. Wow. And so I thought to myself, because my grandmother had a lot of, had a lot of. Had a lot of. You can do it. You can do it. You got to finish it up. Had a lot of for putting food by. And so see what happens.

Right. And all kinds of pickled things. Yeah. And it's just so nice. How old would she be if she were alive? Oh, yeah, if she didn't die. If she didn't get hit by a bus. Oh, how did you know if they got hit by a bus? What? How? She got hit by a big London bus. A London? A double decker? A double decker. Is she in England? She's from England? No. Why was she there? Let me guess. When she saw the bus coming, she jumped up really high as not to get hit by it, but got hit by the second level? God, how did she do that?

And it wasn't even the second level. No, because she jumped high enough to clear the second level. But there happens

Somebody holding a knife up high. Oh, no. On the second level. And so she was doing a split. Oh, no. So it just sliced her right in the middle. Oh, yes. It sliced her right in the kisser. And she died. That's what you call the kissing? Yeah, I call this my kisser. Don't pull it out. Wait, don't pull it out. Look, look, look. No, no, no, no, no. It's my kisser. Oh, my God, Barb. No need, Barb. Anyway.

Wait a second. Was there a mason jar on your kisser? Yeah. See? What is going on in there? Mason jar panties. That's right. These are my panties. I can make panties out of mason jars. They sound like hotcakes. You have a lot of mason jar related things so far. Well, do I?

Are these flowers made out of broken mason jars? Oh, yeah. I took a mason jar and I have a lot of mason jars. And so I, you can do anything with mason jars. And you can, and crafting. You got it. You got it. Crafting.

It is my patent, but it's not my job. Oh, really? What do you do for a living? Yeah, I don't make much money, actually, from it. Oh, I'm sorry. What do you do for a living? Do you work in the intelligence industry? Are you in the CIA? Are you in the FBI? No, no. It's close, though. I'm a contract killer. You're a contact or contract? Contract killer. Contract killer. Wow. So he puts his house on people, and then I do it. Really? No way. Yeah. Wait, you're not here to kill any of us, are you? No.

Hey, Scott. Here, drink this. Oh. You just gave me the old pickle. There you go. Just drink it. Be careful, Scott. Scott, I probably wouldn't drink that. Do you want to do the foley work on this, Ben? Yeah, I'll do the foley work. Here we go. Tell me what you're doing. All right, I'm drinking the pickle. Excuse me. Oh, that was in my foley work. That was actually hot. I was cutting the cheese and I cut the cheese again. Are you kidding or no? No.

Well, you didn't bring the... You didn't bring it, Scott. Yeah, sorry. No, I'm not thirsty right now. But thank you so much. Are you good at contract killing? Oh, I'm the best. Really? I'm the best in the biz! How many kills do you have on your belt? Two. You've killed two different people. I killed two different people. You got it? I did! You got it? But they never caught me. They never caught me because nobody suspects me. Oh, that's true. I don't suspect you. Little Bob Nuts.

And they see Bob Nuts just walking down the street. Nobody suspects me. And so then they don't see it coming. Who hired you to do this, if you don't mind me asking? Tommy Hilfiger. Tommy Hilfiger wants to kill Scott Aukerman? Oh, my God.

I shouldn't have said that. Oh, my God. I shouldn't have said that. Wait, you are trying to kill me? I mean, I thought that was a joke. No. Oh, God. Tommy, you have beef with Tommy? I have a little bit of beef with Tommy. What happened? Tommy, why? What happened? Yeah, he makes pants, right?

Yes, and underwear. Mostly pants. He made clothes in the 90s. He's famous for his pants. Yeah, pants in the 90s. Pants in the 90s, yeah. I was like, hey, bring those pants back to the 90s. Can I just put both my hands on your neck?

Oh, do that. You said you wanted a massage. You said neck was hurting. Yeah, my neck is kind of hurting. Okay, good. Let me just get and put one in the front. One in the front, yeah. One in the back. Are you going to whisper anything to me? Just make sure I'm not choking. Be careful. This is how it happens. It's almost over. Are you kidding?

Are you kidding? Are you kidding? Oh, see, that's from my Are You Kidding About Choking scene. Okay. And then it... What's going on here? You don't have a lot of hamstrings. Barb, your hands are really weak. Oh, wait, I am wearing a bulletproof vest with a little bit of a dickie. A turtleneck? You have a dickie on your vest. Bulletproof dickie. With an obstacle I didn't see coming. It's a suit. Number one for... Wow, Barb nuts.

Wow. Are you trying to get on this celebrity speaking spell? I'm sort of a celebrity. I mean, I'm podcast famous. Wow. Wow. Who's that just doing? Wow. Wow. Wow. I don't know. Richard Nixon, of course. Oh, okay. Yeah. I mean, he's dead. So you have to get like Rich Little to do it. Mr. Socket to me himself. Socket to me. To me.

um that was great barb nuts henry heimlich ben schwartz what is a great episode do you remember there was an episode where mary played uh a reporter who got hit by a car because he's just seen that clip yes was that even this year or was it the year but i think it was the year before it might have been 10 years i think it was on the countdown from last year because i think it was our freedom episode where

Tatiana didn't show up. That's right. That's right. And it's not a Threedom episode because Mary was there. So that, of course, makes it not a Threedom episode. Mary Holland will never be on Threedom. When I say it was a Threedom episode, Threedom was the celebrity guest. That's right. Because Tatiana last second said she couldn't come.

I remember she said she wouldn't come. Oh, that's right. I forgot. Yes. She said she's done with Comedy Bang Bang. She did a little Bartleby the Scrivener and said, I prefer not to. We were just talking, by the way, I saw her the other day. We were just talking about how hilarious it is that anytime she's on this show, she makes news on comic book websites because we just lie about everything that she's doing in the Marvel Universe. I remember the singing thing. What was the other thing?

There was something the last time, I can't remember what it was, but it just like made news of like, in She-Hulk, she does this. And it's just, she's just lying and everyone just takes it seriously. The funniest to me was that the two songs were It's Not Easy Being Green and Fever. Yes, Fever by Peggy Lee.

All right. We need to take a break. This is exciting. When we come back, we have one more episode. We're going to be counting down. That's right. Unlucky or lucky number 13. Oh yeah. We're going to be doing it when we come back. We'll be right back with more comedy. Bang, bang. Best of 2023. Are you catching the big game?

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back and I'm here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hi. And we're going to crack the top 13. Yeah, let's do it. We are recording under a ladder. Do you think that's bad? Well, let me ask my best friend, the black cat that's over here. Well, he just walked right in front of you. I hope so. I'm talking to him. Hey, is this okay? Oh, all right.

that's a cat's wow who's more famous than a black cat i mean since the dawn of time they've been around known in every country has probably appeared in more movies than any actor

All right, let's get to our next episode. This is so exciting. Speaking of black cats, it's episode number 13. Number one, three. All right, episode 13, Paul. What do you got for me? This is episode 796. Okay, so a few weeks after. Seven weeks after the last one. Seven, okay. Yeah. So several weeks. Several is seven. Which puts us at February 19. Ciao, ciao, ciao, ciao. I don't know why you said that. Okay.

February, whenever I hear it, makes me think of a Purina cat food commercial where for some reason it was to the tune of Calendar Girls. And so they would name the month and they would go chow, chow, chow, chow, chow. So like February. Exactly. Chow, chow, chow, chow, chow. March. Chow, chow, chow, chow, chow. And then it'd be different cats eating the food. So now, Paul, we've talked about our respective brains over the years about

how they're irrevocably broken when it comes to hearing certain things. Now, anytime you hear any month... No, not any month. For some reason, it's February. But you know what it is? It's more than just hearing the month. If it's said, it's a certain cadence. So the fact that I said February... I think that was it. That probably triggered you. This is an episode called Hans' Opus. Hans' Opus. Now, this is...

One of the first episodes, we said seven weeks later, let's see, we taped that first one that you just heard of the year with Ben Schwartz. We taped that outside. For some reason, Ben wanted to do it outside. But then since then, we were doing it here in my home.

Where your wife sleeps. Yes, where my children sleep. We constructed a studio here in one of the rooms, and we've been taping it here, but I have been engineering the show myself, and it's a learning curve. And one of the things that I could not figure out is why my computer is hooked up to our recorder, why I couldn't stop it from dinging anytime I got any kind of text. Right.

And I couldn't figure it out. And this is now, I believe, the sixth episode that I've been taping here. Can I be honest? Yeah. I loved it and I wish it had never stopped. Well, you're going to hear it several times in this countdown. It was a delight every single time. So we're all over here. It starts with Edie Patterson. Edie Patterson, who people would know from The Righteous Gemstones. She plays one of the daughters.

The only daughter. The only daughter, yeah. One of the gemstones, I should say. Judy Gemstone. Judy Gemstone. She's very funny. She has been, since she's been doing this show, I don't think she's ever done a different character. Well, she has done some auxiliary characters here and there, but the main thing that she does is a character named Bean Dip. If you say to her, give me the ox, then she'll do an auxiliary character. Exactly. Yeah.

Um, bean dip is a character she's been doing. She was, uh, or still is a groundling. And, uh, she's been doing this character bean dip in the groundlings and she's made videos with this character over the years. Um, she started, uh, being on the show a few years back, uh, and, uh, she does bean dip. And, um, then, uh, we start with her and then we have our good friend, Zach Galifianakis. Good friend.

Zach Galifianakis is on this episode. People know from The Hangover, of course, and The Between Two Ferns. They were both in the Between Two Ferns movie together. Edie played a very bean dip style character. Oh, yeah, that's right. And Zach didn't know her and they just started improvising together. He just met her five minutes before. And the look of shock on his face when she started talking was very fun.

And there was a whole scene, it never made it in the movie, where she was trying to convince Zach to kiss her. It was very funny. So it was supposed to just be them in our first act in A Block, but because I hadn't figured out how to silence my computer yet, Andy Daly...

who is going to be our guest in our next block. He was there. So he decided to teach me in character, but that led him to coming on earlier than expected. So all of our guests just came on at the very beginning of the episode and we're talking to each other.

This is Andy Daly as August Lindt, the pretzel maker from Germany. And let's hear it. This is your choice for episode 13. Number one, three. We have a movie star on the show. What's your favorite movie of all time?

My favorite movie of all time is probably To Kill a Mockingbird. Oh, really? What do you love? That's just a compelling drama. What do you love about that film? Well, I love that little girl. She's like real, like feral. She's skinny. She's always running around. She's got the name of like a military officer. Yeah. What is it again? It's Scout. Is that what it is? Yeah, Scout. Very good, Scout. You don't need to make fun of me just because I'm...

I know it's a popular book. You have Boo Radley. You have Scout. You got Boo Radley. You got Scout. You got the main dude. Yeah. Atticus Finch. Atticus Finch. That's right, which it's weird to have a book like it's to kill a mockingbird and you're like...

Oh, my God. They're going to kill this guy named Mockingbird. And then you see the main character. His name is Finch. Yeah. And then you're like, well, I guess everybody's safe in this world. Are they going to kill this guy, too? I don't know. That's a strange book. Let's hope not. Hey, not everybody's a metaphor for a bird. What are the best metaphors for birds in literature? Best metaphors for birds in literature. Hey, that airplane looks like a bird.

That's a great one. Okay. That's from the Bible, right? That's from the Bible. Leviticus 5, 4, 7, 7. Also, the best metaphor for birds in nature is, oh, that hawk looks like a predator. And I do mean the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Oh, okay. Right. Because there's three kinds of predators. There's three kinds. There's the animal kind.

that preys upon lesser beings. That's right. There's the Arnold Schwarzenegger kind. Arnold Schwarzy. And then there's the to catch a predator. And there's the to catch a predator. The human kind. The worst kind of predator. The worst kind. The kind that gets wine coolers. Although, if I were in like a basement, I would rather be in the basement with the third kind, the to catch a predator kind, rather than the Arnold Schwarzenegger kind. I'm going for Arnold Schwarzenegger kind. You want to be in a basement, trapped in a basement with that guy? Yes. Or...

Girl, I'm sure there are female predators. Female predators and boy predators are easy for me to kill. They are a cinch. To catch a predator, that's a mind game I'm not trying to play.

Wonderful. Bean dip is here. I'm not trying to go in that basement dressed like a 13-year-old. You're wearing a t-shirt and no pants right now. I know, but I'm not trying to put on like a 13-year-old dress, start playing around with my iPhone, go like, I'm 13. Come closer. I'm not trying to

play that game. I'd rather fight the predator. You'd rather fight the dreadlocked predator himself. Yes, the invisible sometimes, not sometimes. The one who can see me when I can't see it, that's a sin for me. Heat vision, is that what it is? Or heat seeking, or what is it? Thermal vision? Heat seeking thermal When you say heat vision, I guess it implies like a Superman, like you can shoot laser beams out

of his eyes. A predator cannot do that. Thank God. Otherwise, the human race would just be wasted. Well, nobody would be here. You're exactly right. And it's dumb that you suggested that.

Do you hear that ding? Yes, I thought that was inside of my own head. Unfortunately, now the setup I have hooked through my computer, if I ever get a text message, now suddenly we hear it on the show. Wow, cool. Cool setup, man. I guess I could just not say anything about it and then edit it out in post, but unfortunately our editing budget, we're overdrawn. Ding, ding, your sandwich is here.

Bean Dip, we have a movie star. Do you want to talk to him? Yes, I would love to talk to him. I've been dying to. You know him from such movies as the... I'm trying to think of that one where you gave me the Blu-ray of it once. The one where it's like the Stitch in Time. No, what is it? Wrinkle in Time. Wrinkle in Time. Oh, God.

I'm getting a text from our guest here. Can I talk now? Yeah, it says test. You know I'm from A Wrinkle in Time. Yeah, you were in that movie. No, the look on my face is, did I really give you a DVD of it? It was a Blu-ray. Really? It was a little higher quality, yeah. Why? Because I think you got sent, I think in your contract contract,

Because I've had these contracts, too, where it says, like, if the movie gets made, you will be given 10 DVDs of the movie. And I think they sent you your 10 Blu-rays of A Wrinkle in Time. And you said, hey, I got a present for you. I need to get that back. Oh, yeah. No, I definitely still have it. You know him from The Hangover. You know him from...

God. I'm trying to think of anything post the movie we put out that you've done. And I am coming up short. I don't think I've done. Nothing. I don't think so. Okay. The Between Two Ferns movie. That's the last thing I did. Wow. You are. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You had a big part. Yeah. I remember it now, but I think that's the last thing I did. That was pre-pandemic and then the world changed. Yeah. And then the hierarchy of the DC universe suddenly shifted. Yeah.

What's that mean? Never mind. Black Adam. Please welcome Zach Alphanakis. Hey, Zach. Thanks. Talk more into the mic if you're good. Would that be all right? Yeah, you got to get real close on it. Okay. Yeah, wonderful. How's that? This is Bean Dip, by the way. Hi, Beans. Hi, Zach. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. I love you guys. Your head's going off again. Another guest is saying, may I suggest the Do Not Disturb feature on your Mac? I don't know how to turn it on. Can you text me that? Yeah, no problem. That's a future guest.

In character? I don't know what you mean by that. I mean, I don't know. August, how do you do this? What do you mean? Okay, up in the upper right-hand corner of the screen, there's going to be like two ovals. Two ovals? Oh, yeah, yeah, got it. Click on that oval. That's like a sideways circle, Scott. Okay, got it, yeah. And now you see the options of you can say do not disturb for one hour. No, I don't see it. Or longer than that. On sound? No, it shouldn't say. I'm going to have to walk over there.

Oh, my gosh. This is a far walk. This is a, oh, yeah. Can you just shut the laptop? Whoops. You have it. There you go. Focus. Focus. Oh, it's under focus. Okay, we didn't say under focus. Okay, there we go. Do not disturb. Thank you so much. August Lynch is here, by the way, when I mentioned the world traveler. Hey, August. I'm here, but right now just for tech support. Are you sure? You don't want to talk to Zach? I'm happy to, but I don't. Do you have any questions about being a movie star? I don't have. Let's see. No, I don't have.

You don't have any. About being a movie star. Have you ever wanted to be in a movie? Well, I've had lots of ideas for movies, you know. What are your ideas? Well, you know, I work in a pretzel factory in Dusseldorf. And there's millions of things that happen there all the time. They're always saying this should be a movie. This is so funny and so dramatic. Give us one example. Well, we had a guy who worked there his whole life from when he was a child he worked there.

From when he was five years old. Five years old. And that's because the salt on the pretzels is very tiny and you need tiny fingers in order to pick it up. Is that right? Yes, he began as a salt picker. And then, of course, they realized, well, there's tools that are, you know, you know what I mean? Yeah, needle nose pliers. Right, something like that. Or what do you call it when you've got to take out a splinter?

tweezers. Fine. So, but anyway. Good timing, B-Dip. In the early days, they could only use the fingers of a child, but he eventually came to a point where he had worked all his life. He was coming up on a hundred years old and one day he fell into the machine and he became pretzels. What? It's amazing to think that

All his life was devoted to the making of pretzels. And then he became what he is. And then for him to become the thing, what a perfect way for him to die now and funny. Very funny. Very funny. And poetic and beautiful. Wait, this is your idea for a movie? Yeah, and I think it's like kind of a Holland's Opus. Do you have seen the Mr. Holland's Opus? Yeah. I thought you were going to say Holland Oats, but it's a Holland's Opus. You could put Holland Oats all over the soundtrack if you want to make a million dollar.

But I think movies need to make a little bit more than that these days. I'm not sure. Well, it depends what it costs, right? OK, you can get the factory for free. I think Mr. Schneiderberg would be thrilled to have it. OK, yeah, well, we're on our way. But there's Harlan's Opus, which is like, you know, number one movie of all times. It follows the guy's life all the way up until the big ending when we finally get to see his beautiful piece of music. His terrible, terrible song. No, no, no. It was wonderful.

It's very popular. That song is very popular in Germany. Oh, is it really? Mr. Holland's Opus composition. And I mentioned this when we covered the film on Scott Hasn't Seen recently. It sounds like something that would be underscoring a sports montage. And you'd hear an announcer saying, Michael Jordan scored 86 points.

On this particular game. You're talking about something Mr. Holland worked on his whole life. I know. Let's have a little bit of reverence for it. I'm saying he wasted his life. No, he didn't waste his life. By the way, it was five minutes. The guy's been working for 30 years on a five minute song. Scott. He is a bad musician. That is very rude.

It's incredibly rude, but that's why it's perfect. Every minute of it is 100%. Zach, what do you think? Well, I'm really willing to go back to the... So he got made into pretzels? Yeah, he fell into the machine where all the ingredients are combined and became one of the ingredients. How many? Just one giant one or a bunch of tinier pretzels? Well, we don't know for certain, but not one giant one. No, he became, he was one of the pretzels. But were they bagged and sold? No.

Oh, yes. Whoa. They were bagged and sold. But we don't know how many of pretzels. Because you can kind of taste. Like this one is a little gamey. And that would be. Maybe some of them is still in there. Wow. It's impossible really to say. To know that for sure, you would have to empty out the machine and clean it. And that would be. Yeah, that's of course not. Prohibitive. Prohibitive. Interesting. That's what happened to that guy Wetzel.

Is it really? Yeah. That's where they get the name because it was originally Wetzel's Pretzels. Oh.

Oh. It was just shortened to Wetzel's Pretzel. There was a man named Wetzel who became his own pretzel. You would think they came up with it because it rhymed, but no. The apostrophe is taking out the I. Wetzel I. Is a pretzel. Oh, okay. It just turned into Wetzel. Wow. Wetzel is pretzels. Oh, wow. Interesting. I'm not surprised. What do you think is it for a movie for this? Is this the type of character that you'd like to play, Zach? Well, God, I'm really intrigued by it.

if I could just ask August a couple more questions. And do you think it's a comedy or do you think it's kind of a tonally? Well, I mean, this guy's life sounded really funny. Yeah, there's lots of funny things. Is it a German comedy or is it? What do you mean? Comedy is comedy around the world. Doesn't matter. Let me throw a movie out to you. Schindler's List. Very funny. It is funny. When you think about the moment when the race finds is looking at his fat belly in the mirror, people all over the world would laugh at that. Yeah, man.

It's funny, right? It's hilarious. You're like, hey, man, get your belly back in. Yeah, put your shirt back on, you crazy Nazi. Crazy Nazi. It's funny. Yeah, yeah. So there's millions of jokes in that movie. But so is it a strict 100% comedy? I mean, yeah. Yeah.

Maybe. Yeah. So you say yes. But it's hard to say. Some movies like blur the line. Usually when someone asks themselves a question like that, a rhetorical sort of question, is it a strict 100? They usually say, well, no. But you say, is it a strict 100% comedy? Yeah. I mean, is it 100% like Mr. Bean funny? Yeah. I would say.

I love it. But this movie, I think, could blur the line a little bit because there's all the pathos. But you said it was 100% funny. It's going to be real funny. How do you stick pathos into something? That would make it like 103%. Maybe I don't know what word pathos is. Oh, yeah. What does that mean to you? It's like, well, because part of what's funny, but also maybe it makes you think about it, was that he was always going to take a vacation.

And he kept saying, maybe now I take my vacation. Can I please take my vacation? And he never did. It's so stupid. Stupid man. He's very stupid. Yeah. And that's something that you don't have a problem with. You take your vacation all the time. Always. I'm always taking whatever. How many...

How long of a vacation do you get there in Germany? Well, it changes year to year based on the factory. This year, unfortunately, I'm only going to get eight and a half months of vacation. I'm so sorry. From the factory. But I may do with what I have, you know. So you have to work three and a half months this year? Not all three and a half months of that is work. Some of it, there's about a month long retreat. Yeah.

Like a corporate retreat? A corporate retreat, yeah. Okay. With trust falls and stuff like that? Well, Duhlmann Schmeidelberg has instituted something called the distrust fall. Oh, okay.

It's just an exercise where what you do is you stand up on a high thing, right? How high? It's going to be... As Method Man and Red Man once said. I'll try to convert it into feet the way you use in this country. You can do it in meters if you like. I could do it in meters. Well, it's going to be like 30 meters. Oh, that's too high. How much is that in feet? 90. About 90 feet? Yeah, about 90 feet. And then maybe it's like about that.

So you're sticking to it. I think so. And you're going to, what you do is close your eyes and turn around to your back is facing everybody. And they all make like a lock their arms. Like almost like a parachute of arms. Sort of like that. Yeah. And then in you count to 30. And in that time they scatter.

Whoa. And then you fall. And then you fall 90 feet. I think so. I'm not great with distances, but it's about 90. How far away do you think I am from you right now? You right now is like one football field. No, we're across a table from each other. How far would you say this table is? It's not a football field, I'll tell you that. It's two meters. Two meters? Yeah. If this is two meters, then the fall at the distrust fall is probably about 30 meters.

If this is two meters, then I'm the president. Thank you. Yes, exactly. We need T-shirts that say this.

Well, this is wonderful. I think this is a go picture, Zach. What do you think? What would the name be? Do you have a name or is there a script or anything? Well, his name was Hans. And so I was just thinking of calling it Hans's Opus. It seems like you're drawing a lot from a previous movie that you're taking inspiration from. Can I make one casting suggestion of Rachel Dreyfuss for the lead role? Rachel? Rachel. Rachel.

To me, Richard Dreyfuss? Richard Dreyfuss. Oh, okay. I see your accent and it sounds like you said Rachel. Oh, no. I would never put Rachel Dreyfuss in a movie. Can I ask you one thing for Zach? I just will be his agent just for a minute. Yeah, his intermediary. Are you going to be Rachel Dreyfuss' agent?

Well, yeah. Let me be Rachel Joyce, Mrs. A. What did you negotiate on Jaws? I mean, it was a big part, but it was early in his career. Well, I got Rachel paid on that shit. Okay, all right. Anyway, what you gonna say? Well... She's not really... That's Bean Bug. You know that's... Bean Dip. Bean Dip. She's playing a part. That's not really...

She's not really? No. But she's acting as Zax right now. Oh, you're being Zax agent? I'm being Zax agent. And then I just was like, okay, Rachel's agent too. But if Zax won't do this movie, it's hard to say. Hansa Sopas.

That's hard. It's hard for Zach to say. She's trying to protect her client. Hans' opus is a hard, that's a hard sell. That's hard for him. Hear him say it. Hans' opus. To me, it sounds musical. It's beautiful in the ear. But you're saying it's difficult for you to say it? Well, I think that's, I mean, there's other reasons that, I mean, there's other things we should talk about. But let me just say good news. It's very unusual that the lead actor

or the actor in a movie has to say the title of the movie. By the way, I don't think you can be the leader. You think he's what? He's too... It's got to be Trifus. Trifus is getting up there in years at this point. But I don't even know if he is an active actor at this point. Sometimes I see him on Twitter. Yeah, why couldn't I play him? I mean...

Well, the thing is, the story has to follow him from a baby just about all the way to like a 95 year old man. And to me, Dreyfus. Can do both. He looks like both of those things. What I like about Mr. Holland's office is it starts and I'm like, oh, interesting. So here's a 45 year old man. What situation is he in? And then it comes out that he's 20. That's what I'm saying. He can do anything. Yeah.

He can be any age. Look, August. Yeah. My client, Zach, has already prepared a monologue from Hostess Opus. What? That's amazing. So you better cast him instead of Rachel. Well, listen, I mean, I consider him for the lead role.

you know, I would- Do you want to have an audition right now? I think it'd be a good idea. Yeah. I mean, if you're serious, you want to show me that you're serious and you want a part. Do you have a scene that he could act out or something like that? I thought he was going to do a monologue. You know, can you do the monologue from the moment? Like,

like right before he falls into the pretzels when he's talking about all of his future plans. Of taking the vacation. Uh-huh. Yeah, exactly. Or whatever. I can't, I would have to work on it a little bit with the voice because I'm not very good with German accents. I'll tell you what, it can be untraditional. You can be whatever. You can be East Texas or something, I suppose. Yeah, Bean Dip, do you want to try the monologue here? Look, man,

I don't give a shit. I'm just trying to get jobs for my client. Okay, but I'm saying you have an opportunity. I have a really remarkable job here working at the pretzel factory. Oh my God, that's great so far. I love the people that I work with. He did. He did. That's true.

Okay, so far, so good? It's so good so far. Am I supposed to comment after I have very silent? You can. Easy to please. What a wonderful job. That's exactly how I felt.

It's uncanny. Let me just have my one pretzel for the day. Hans would have one? That's him falling into it. Oh, that's wonderful. Wow. Wow, that was fantastic. Oh, my God. Wow, wow, wow. Wow. Powerful stuff. August, what do you think? I mean, this is... I mean, that was pretty fantastic. Yeah, I think, you know, a few more auditions.

Oh, for Zack to do like more callbacks or you're looking at other actors? Oh, well, of course. Look, you understand we have to try drivers.

But if he says no, you know, we'll have a couple more callbacks for you. Do you think Dreyfuss is going to want to sully the legacy of Mr. Holland's opus by doing a movie called Hans's Opus? Hans's. About a guy who turns into a pretzel? Well, what I do think is that it would have to become a trilogy. Is this like part of the opus first? That's what I'm saying. He's got to do at least one more opus.

before he can rest. When you say that, you mean die? Yeah, I think Dreyfuss is ready to rest, but first he must do two more opuses. This is not a good pitch for Dreyfuss, by the way. Look, I know you're ready to die. This is what I'm going to say to his agent.

Before he can lie down. Before he can rest. In the eternal slumber. In the eternal slumbers of which he has so richly deserved. Number one, three. All right, episode 13. Fun. Fun stuff. If there's anything I could say about it, it's fun. That's right. After the clip that you just heard,

Andy as August Lent talks about his exciting trip to Snake Island, which is a place that he had read about, I think, and came in with a lot of detail about. It's very, very funny. That's a great episode. We only scratched the surface on that one. That's a really good one. Why did you only scratch the surface? And why didn't you dig all the way down to the bone? Wouldn't it be great if instead of playing clips, we just played the entire episode? Yeah.

When you hear the phrase scratch the surface. Yes. What are you picturing as the surface? Skin. That's me too. Yeah, but it's not right. It's, it's supposed to mean just like ground. Yeah. The earth. Yeah. But I think of skin all the time. I do too. It's gross. Mainly because my skin is so itchy. Yeah. I'm constantly scratching. So when I hear scratch the surface, I'm like, oh, like I'm doing right now. I'm not just scratching the surface. I go all the way. I go all the way. Through the meat. Into the sinews. Yeah.

Well, Paul, that's going to conclude our first episode here of The Best of Us. I'm proud of us, and I think we did a great job. Yeah. I'd give us a B minus. Why? Why not an A plus? Because I think, you know... What could we have done differently? Because we have to record some more. So let's do notes.

What could we have done differently? I got to tell you, I do not miss being in live theater and having notes after every rehearsal. All right, notes. Let's huddle up for notes. They take an hour. Yeah. Okay, you, when you're here doing this, you do that. When you're going stage left, you should be going stage right. It just takes an hour. And then you have to say like, be more specific. What are you talking about? When you say you and you, who do you mean? Yeah.

Maybe that's why they took so long. It's frustrating. Wait, do we play? Oh, yeah. We got to play the snowman before we go. Yeah. Okay. So I want to add a wrinkle to it. Oh, yeah, please. I would like just like our faces every year. I would like to assign this chair. Okay. As the listener. Okay. So that if the way the snowman game is played is we have this adorable little snowman and he sings, let it snow or a chunk of it. Does he sing? Let it snow. He does. Yeah.

And he spins around after each little stanza and stops. And then at the very end, when he stopped singing, he does one final spin. And if he looks at you,

You win because you feel elated. You're going to have a great 2024 if this happens. We've added that to it too. Yeah. So now he's here. We want to make sure he doesn't spin around and get caught on those wires. That's what I'm worried about. I'm worried about the wires. I mean, he spins in place. Okay. I was just worried about his candy cane. Yeah. Okay. That seems to be clear. Okay. So.

This is exciting. This is the most exciting minutes in podcasting, I would say. And listener, we will let you know if he is looking at you. If he's looking at you, we have assigned the chair for the listener. And I hope it will give them the same feeling. I hope so. To be honest, I would much rather it look at the listener than me because that means everyone listening will have a great year. Yeah. And I'll sacrifice myself. But...

I do hope all of us get it this year. I hope so, too. All right. Here we go. So we just give him one go, right? Just one go and point the mic at him so that we can hear his... Here we go. Here we are. Oh, this is so exciting. Oh, he's spinning. First spin. First spin. Oh, I'm looking at the listener! He's looking at the listener right now. It's not going to end there, though.

Spinning around again. Oh my gosh. He's spinning again. Oh, now he's looking at me. Oh my gosh. Where's it going to end up?

Oh, looking right dead set in my eyes. Right at you. Oh, my God. This is not. I don't think it looked at either of us last year. No, I don't think so. And first attempt looking right at me. And this is not even off. I got to get a fucking picture. This is not even like a little bit askew where we go. Yeah, he's kind of looking at me. He is looking dead straight at me. I can even tell from the back. He's like. Yeah. He's chilling. He is. He is like locked in.

Incredible. I'm going to have a great 2024. Congratulations. Great way to end the episode. Listeners, you're going to have to listen to our next three episodes to hear whether you're going to have a great 2024. The next episode will be on Thursday of this week. Then part three will be on Monday of next week. And then part four will be on Thursday of next week.

That's going to do it for this episode. When we see you next time, we're going to be counting down 12, 11, and we're going to crack the top 10. We're going to do 10 and 9. This is so exciting. So exciting. Not as exciting as that, but exciting nonetheless. What else can you say, bud? Wow! All right. See you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Damn.

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