Best of 2013 Pt 3
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Comedy Bang Bang

All right, here we are. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Best of 2013. Best of 2013, here we are. Part 3. Part 3.

We're doing four of these, and Paul F. Tompkins is here with me. That's right, I am. And you remarked to me after the last episode we recorded that you thought we had recorded three episodes already. Yes, I thought that we had. Well, we've been here for ten hours doing this. I've lost time. It's late at night. Yes. We are slap happy. Apparently I'm married. I just looked down, there's a ring on my finger. We've been slapping each other as well. And we're happy about it. Yeah.

Well, slap happy, I guess, implies that you've been slapped so many times that you're... That you're just out of it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I guess to me... Hey, kid, you're slap happy. It sounds more like you are excited to be slapping people. That's... Yeah. Right? Which I am. That's true. I guess we're all a little bit slap happy. It cannot be denied that it's fun to slap people. It is. I slapped Casey Wilson the other night on stage. It was planned. Yeah.

Sure. But she had that kind of thing in rehearsals. Like she was like, I don't really take to like,

Like that kind of physical thing. Like she was worried I was going to escalate. You know how some people get on stage and the adrenaline is in there and like it escalates. Oh, you mean assholes? Yes. And they escalated and they actually like and I've been in that situation where I've been hit in something. And the person in rehearsals is like, oh, no, it's going to be really easy. And then they're just straight up hitting you. So she had that look of fear in her eyes, but I kept it controlled.

I've had people who – that I've had to hit who have encouraged me, like really hit me. Yeah. And to the point where I was like, this is a weird thing for you. You're making me the unwitting pawn in your weird sex fantasy. You're talking about Paget? Oh, God.

From the thrilling adventure hour. That's all it is. It's people slapping each other. Yeah, you guys. Well, because it's a podcast. It's an audio podcast. They got it. People need the noise. That's what beyond belief is, right? You're just slapping each other. It's a married couple slapping each other. They're freaks. Listen to that podcast. That's a great podcast. I've been on it several times. That's right, you have. You'll be on it again. Quite often. We are, in this episode, counting down numbers six times.

Through four. Okay, we have four, five, and six. Delicious anticipation. In our final episode, part four, we are going to be counting one, two, and three. So we have four, five, and six this episode, and it is getting tight. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I mean, it's cutthroat now. It really is. I mean, we heard some great clips up till now. Super great. These have to be the best of the best. If they're not, I'll be disgusted and appalled.

Angry and ashamed. I'm going to catalog that. I wish you all four of those. I'm going to go through the five stages. What was it? Five of countdowns. Disgusted. Appalled. Angry. Ashamed. Except the end. Oh, yeah. I wish I said the end. Ah, the end like Rodgers and Hammerstein. Ah, you turned into a monster. Peeling my own face off like the guy in Poltergeist. Oh, yeah.

Okay, so let's count it down. We have some to get to, and this... Six through four. Six through four. Are you excited? This is a good one. I'm so excited. Can you hide it? I'm hiding it from you right now. Okay. We may have talked about this on a previous episode. I'm doing a bad job by telling you that I'm excited. That's not good hiding. All right, this is...

From your countdown, people, this is what you voted as number six. Number six. All right, number six. Paul, this is from episode 199. Oh, so we're going way back. We've been in the 200s for a lot of these. You're Mr. Peabody. That's right. I'm Peppermint Patty. Who else is in there? Little Abner? Probably. Hi, Lois.

Jaime? Drabble. Drabble. Olive Doonesbury? That's right. This is episode 199. Is this ringing any bells? This is right before episode 200. 199? Are you out of your mind? This is an episode called Gary Unmarried. Oh, boy, am I familiar with this one.

Gary Unmarried. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, Scott. I will. I'd be glad to. Well, don't be thrilled about it. Oh, boy, I cannot wait for you to be wrong. I'm asking you as a favor. This is not like me asking you to slap me hard on stage. Rubbing my hands together. This is the first meeting of Gary Marshall and Gillian Jacobs. I believe so. I said that really weirdly. I believe. I believe. I believe.

You're sign-off. Good night, America. I believe. Just like Obama. No, earlier in the countdown, we heard what happened after this episode. But this episode, we hear the meeting between these two. This is, of course, Gillian Jacobs. It's like memento. From Community. Right. And our good friend, Gary Marshall.

This is their first meeting. This is how they got together. This is how they do it. We're going to hear just a chunk of this episode. The whole thing goes on several twists and turns, but we're going to hear a good chunk of this episode. This is a really funny one.

You voted it as your number six, so let's hear that. This is Gary Unmarried, Gillian Jacobs, and Gary Marshall. Number six. So what happened? I want to hear from both sides here. Who wants to start? I'll start. All right. Well, as always. As always, I like to start. She likes to start.

That's part of the problem. Every time we go out to dinner with another couple, you know that point when the two couples sit down across from each other and somebody says, who's going to start talking?

Usually you draw straws. You ask the waiter for three regular straws and one straw that's a little shorter. Yes, but with old friends. He takes his scissors. Old being the operative word. Old. All his friends are old. We'd go out with Jack Jones and his wife. I don't know who these people are. He's a singer. He's a famous singer. Steven Eadie. Steven Eadie. Who? Jesus. Steve Lawrence and Edie Gourmet. Jinx. Jinx.

You should have married him, Scott. You'd get along great. Maybe I should. Do it. Not in Bel-Air, though. Not in Bel-Air. No gay marriage in Bel-Air. Gillian, what do you expect when you marry a man who's that much older? I mean, he's not going to have young friends. Come clubbing with me. Go raves with me. Sweetheart, I'm set in my ways. What I can't... I got you to murder your wife within knowing you for 30 minutes. I thought at least I could convince you to go to Sayers with me. Well, this... I might as well tell you now.

I faked Barbara's death. What? What? She's not really dead. It was a form of non-lethal curare that I ejected her with. She was just put to sleep? Killian, you are... What is happening here? She is in a state of suspended... Wait, so you... Are you telling me you Romeo and Julietted her? Yeah, except they're just Julietted. Fucking Christ.

So wait, so we were never even legally married. What are the laws on that? In Bel-Air, yes. I'm not entitled to any of your money is what you're telling me. In Bel-Air, no.

You shouldn't have married me in Bel-Air. The laws on that is if your first wife is in suspended animation, you cannot marry a new person? Yeah, it's covered under... Well, that's the law of the land. But the law of Bel-Air, I'm entitled to as many wives as I wish. Okay, I didn't know that about Bel-Air. Oh, well, then never mind. Then if bigamy is allowed in Bel-Air, then I'm legally married to you. No, we're divorced. Fuck.

I did the ceremony when you weren't looking. What is that ceremony? The Bella divorce ceremony. Yeah, how does that go? It's, uh, you have to go to Denzel Washington's house. Okay, sure. You say, hey, Denzel, get Paul Reiser together. And he says, ha ha ha, my man! Oh, did Denzel Washington just walk in here? No, that was me. Oh. Oh, Gary. You're a regular, uh, Frank Gorshin over there. Thank you so much. So, uh...

The Riddler. So, sure. Once again, who the hell knows who these people are? Learn your Hollywood history, young lady. No, learn my history. What is your history? Clubbing, partying, ecstasy, staying up all night, spending a lot of money, jets, drugs. She spent so much money on glow sticks and jets.

Once you filled up an entire jet with glow sticks, didn't you? And I coated the outside of the jet in glow sticks, too. So it looked like maybe a UFO. I thought he'd be into it. I thought I could get him out of these monsters and maybe into some alien hunting. Aliens, that's a hoax. There's no such thing as extraterrestrials. But the wolf man's real. Yes, I'm going to find him. That's the other thing we haven't talked about is Gary Marshall spends a lot of his free time hunting monsters. Yeah.

What else am I going to do? I mean, if there were some monsters at Teddy's, then maybe I could get into it. But Jesus Christ, am I going to go to... What are those places you're talking about? Are they even real places? Teddy's? There are clubs, a drawing room. What is that, like the Brown Derby? That's not... A drawing room! Teddy's. That bar on Hillhurst that opens at 6 a.m.? Hey, I know a lot of people that are there at 6 a.m. It's a fine establishment. I think I know a lot of the people that are there at 6 a.m.,

So back to the ceremony. You go over to Denzel's house. The ceremony is you must go to Denzel Washington's house. You knock three times on the door. Denzel appears. He says, may I help you? I say, Denzel, can you summon Paul Reiser? I need to divorce someone. Denzel walks across to Paul Reiser's house, taking care to shield his eyes from Sylvester Stallone's house. They all live in this radius, right? Mm-hmm.

Can I interject one second? Yeah, sure. You say knock three times. I saw this on a James Bond movie the other day from Russia with Love. He said, don't answer the door for anyone. I'll knock three times. Knock three times sounds like this.

How did you know the secret knock? Wait, that's how everyone knocks. One, two, three. You're like a baby. Since when? What are you going to do? You're going to come up to a door and knock once? That's what I do. Who just came in? How would you hear if anyone just knocked once? You would think it was a mistake. People should listen more. We agree on that. Yeah, we agree that you should listen to me more. And we agreed I wouldn't do that. Ugh.

Fucking worst. All right. So anyway, you're on your way to Paul Reiser's house. Yes. So then Denzel and Paul Reiser, they get together and they say, whom do you wish to divorce? If that's Denzel, why?

One more call from Denzel. Is that your phone, Gary? Do you need to take that? I do not need to take that. I talk on my terms. You carry an actual rotary phone. Yeah, it's a rotary phone. That you would get from like Sardo's. Wait, Sardo's? Sardo's. What the hell is Sardo's? What are you people talking about? You mean Sardi's? Sardi's, yeah. What am I saying? Sardo's. Sardo's. He's the Green Lantern's foe. So, uh...

So Denzel and Paul Reiser say in unison, they count down from three to one. Do they do three, two, one, and then the thing? Or do they like three, nose, one? Or what do they do?

Yeah, I think it's three. No, it's one. And then the thing. And then they say, whom do you wish to divorce? I say, oh, such fancy grammar. They say, come on, this is serious. This is part of the script. This is all part of the script, yes. This is an ancient ceremony. So then I say, I got this wife. She's a pain in my neck.

They say, I hear you. You are now divorced from her. You didn't even have to give him my name. Nope. I just got to be thinking of it. Who's the mayor of Bel Air?

It's more of a council. It's a council of elders. Yeah, it's a council. Yeah, old. Read old. Yeah. Yeah, the elders. I think there would be more people my age in Bel-Air. In Bel-Air, you thought there would be young people. What a naive child. How are young people ever going to afford property there in Bel-Air? Do what I do.

Marry a rich old man. Who put his wife in suspended animation. Yeah. That's right. Go back to that. I want to hear a little bit about that. Oh, you find that interesting? Where is she? She's in an undisclosed location. Under Disneyland? Disclose it. It's under Disneyland. That's right. I knew it. In that one restaurant where they serve alcohol. I knew it. I wanted you to take me there. He wouldn't take me there. Not even a Club 23? No. Wouldn't do it. That's why I have to go to the drawing room at 6 a.m.

Well, you're still awake from the clubbing. Yes, exactly. That's why the drawing room is the most useful bar in L.A. Is that the only suspended animation facility in the United States? That's why I guessed it, because that's where Disney is. It's one of three. Oh, okay. Where are the other two in the U.S.? The original... Continental. Yeah, the original Cheers Bar, the Bull and Finch. Oh, okay. Under there? Or just inside there? Right.

Under the bar? I can't remember if it's above ground or not. It might be in plain view. Okay. That's a big thing about these secret suspended animation locations, is nobody can process it with their mind, so sometimes they just stick them right out in the open. Oh, really? You mean if you look at it, you can't actually... Your mind will make up an excuse for what it is. That's why the other one's on Lincoln's lap in the Lincoln Memorial. What? Yeah.

Lincoln's lap. Yeah. Just laying across his lap. Really? And he's like stroking it, like petting it like a cat? No, he's still just a statue. I know, but I mean, his hand is in that position. No, his hands are on the chair. His hands are on the chair. On the arms of the chair. But are they or are they on the thing? Because I'm impressed. I don't know. I know what I see. How did you become so attuned to being able to see these things? I'm one of the Illuminati. What? Yeah. We're getting some.

major revelation here. I know, we already knew that. That's news? I think people assumed it. Right. Maybe you guys talked about it on one of your dinners with Steven Eady. So who else is in the Illuminati?

Boy, a lot of people. There's more people that did it than aren't in it, as a matter of fact. In the United States? Yeah, it seems like it's an exclusive society. There's like six billion or million people in the United States. Neither. I don't know. Neither? Neither. How many? 32 million. Are you going by the McDonald's hamburger sign? I'm trying to remember because I looked it up the other day. I hate when you make me laugh.

If there's any consolation, that sounded like a polite laugh. I'm looking it up. How many people in the United States? Yeah, this is great podcasting. Too many. You guys, just hold on one second. Too many?

There's another thing. We talked about genocide all the time. It was unpleasant. I would just like to have, you know, no traffic in Los Angeles. And if that means killing millions of people, I'm fine with it. I was way off. 311 million. Yeah. That's a lot of people. There were like 6 million people in Manhattan. I knew it was three something. I thought it was 3 billion or 3 million. That's China. 3 million people. Turned out it was 311 million.

I don't know. Come on. 11 million people are in the Illuminati. 11? Wait. Wow. But that leaves 300 million who aren't. Yeah, that's right. It seems fair, right? But I thought you said that there were more. You said more in. It was a figure of speech. Let's not crucify Gary Marshall. What would happen if we did crucify you? You'd find out in three days.

I either come back or I don't. I'm just as curious as you, but please don't crucify me. It's like I wonder if I'm bulletproof.

Do you? I do, but no one's ever shot me, so I have no idea. Maybe that will be found out by the end of this episode of Comedy Bing Bong. I wonder. Sorry, my blood sugar is dropping. You know, just being around him sends me to a diabetic shock. Have a score bar. It's not a score bar. What are you eating? It's a Think Thin Divine. Yeah, is that what a Hollywood actress has to eat? Think thin? It's smart decadence, like me.

Oh, Jesus. Okay, so community, coming back, and you don't know what the plot is. You don't care. What's up with the Halloween episode? That's going to be the... That's going to be one of our best of the season. I'm putting it out there. You're switching it over to... Is it still going to be Halloween or is it Valentine's Day? No, we're doing Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and they'll be airing in March and April and May.

How come you didn't do a Valentine's Day? You know what? Get out of here. I'm sorry. Can I get my lawyer in here? I don't have to sit in a room with him anymore. You know what? I think it's okay because when you watch a movie, say you're watching a nice Shane Black movie, okay? I love a Shane Black movie. Iron Man 3. I can't wait. Kiss Kiss Bing Bong, right?

Sure. And you're watching this movie and it's set at Christmas. Okay, usually you're watching it, what, in May? You could be watching it in any of the 366 days of a leap year. That's right. It exists forever. You can enjoy it anytime. Yeah, tell me about cinema, Gary. Tell me your thoughts on cinema. Hey, he is a great... Mr. Marshall is... I'm sorry, I called you Mr. Marshall when you told me to call you Gary. Please continue to call me Mr. Marshall. All right, Mr. Marshall is a great director. Frankie and Johnny. That's right.

Really, you don't like Frankie and Johnny? Pretty Woman, all of you young actresses love Pretty Woman. My mom wouldn't let me watch it. Why is that? Because it romanticized prostitution. And what's wrong with that? Nothing for men. Could you chew right into the microphone, please? Your divine decadence.

This is what divine decadence sounds like. It didn't so much romanticize prostitution as it exalted it. And exonerated the Johns. That's right. They're just guys that are looking for companionship. Please, Gillian. I would think you would relate because you married me just because I was rich. I married you first and then I got your money. Wait, so how much money did you end up with? I guess that's true. Yeah, that's usually how it goes. You don't think that...

Listen, when I found out that he was going over to Denzel Washington's house, I tried to grab as many valuables as I could, put them in my car and drive away. Would you make some office equipment? The stapler?

I got a fax machine. Okay, good. And I got one of his hundreds of rotary phones. That's all I could grab. Everything else is nailed down. Nailed down, really? You nail everything down other than your fax machine and rotary phones? What would you do? That's true. Well, I also know things about, you know, thanks to being in the Illuminati, about things that are going to happen to the Earth in the coming years. Okay, and so you want your stuff nailed down in case... I would say nail your stuff down. Tornadoes and stuff. Take it from an Illuminati.

You'll wish there were tornadoes happening. Oh, my gosh. You should put out a PSA. Take it from one of the Illuminati. Nail your stuff down. Tie your shoes tight, kids. Talk to a policeman. You ever do one of those more you know things, Gillian? They don't want me for those, no. What? You're one of the bright, shining crown jewels of NBC. Are they...

Oh my goodness. Are they still doing them? Yeah, they're doing them. Yvette Nicole Brown from my show has done them. They don't want me for those. What's going on? What's wrong with your attitude? Listen, I've had a rough year. First of all, it may be that you say listen to people, which is kind of a rude thing to do. Okay, fine. Maybe if you feel like it, listen to what I'm about to say. If not, go about your day. I was going to say, you don't need any kind of... It's a little long. What? It's a little long. Okay. Okay.

I've had a really rough year. She's throwing things now. Okay, listen to this. Listen to this. Listen to this. Yes, master. Listen to this. I marry a man. I think I'm set for life. Sure. Community may or may not be ending. No, listen to this. You're not listening to this. Listen to this. I'm worried, you know, I'm worried about my future, okay? I don't have as much money as I'd like.

I have very expensive needs, tastes, desires. Divine decadence. I'm into divine decadence. I am divine decadence. I marry a man I think is very wealthy. He's going to be able to take care of me. I am, by the way. And he's going to die soon. That's also true. Or is it? Question mark. And he's going to come back three days later. Maybe. Allegedly. Maybe. Allegedly. We'll see if I'm crucified. But then I'll have superpowers, and that'll be even better. So I'll have a rich husband with superpowers. Right. Okay, not only do we get divorced...

My show gets pulled off the air. My show was going to air on an ear. They were going to project my show. On Mount Rushmore. Yeah. That's not happening anymore. It's not on ears or television. They got sued by the Alfred Hitchcock estate. Yeah. I get divorced. I have no money. He owns Mount Rushmore just from Earth by Northwest? Yeah. He doesn't own Mount Rushmore, but doing stuff on it. He owns a phone to scale model of it. Yes. That's right. Okay.

I got nothing now. My show's coming back. Yes. Very happy about that. Excited. All of a sudden, you'll get the paychecks from that. By the way, a lot of people don't know. You don't get paid until your show actually airs. So you've had no money for almost a year now. No money. Also, I should tell you now, under Bel Air law, I'll be garnishing your wages. See? Who knew? Do you have a lien on her car as well? I let that go. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, it was too shitty. He didn't want it. That's true.

I don't know what to tell you, Scott. I'm in a bad place these days. You're in a bad place. Yeah, I was flying high the last time I saw you. Everything's gone to shit now. Well, here's what I suggest. I think that we should have some sort of a contest to be your next husband here on the show. That's a great idea. People love to get involved. It's interactive. Yeah. I think that we could put up some sort of a thread on the Comedy Bing Bong message boards where...

where basically people sort of woo you and give a resume. Could they provide bank statements? Yes, absolutely. Good idea. Let me ask you this. Is there any possibility people would react to this in a creepy way? I don't think so. I don't see how that would happen. I don't even know why I said that. Okay, good. Probably not. What is it you like in a man? Richness. Okay, other than money. Richness.

I like a man. Wealthitude. Yeah. I love a terminal illness. Okay.

Okay. I die for a terminal illness. Okay. Creeping senility I also enjoy if he's not going to die. But they have to have young friends, though, according to you? Just be open to going to clubs with me. Why can't you go do your clubbing by yourself? Why do you need to drag poor Mr. Marshall? I get really drunk and I don't want to get a DUI, so I need someone to drive me home. Get a driver! I had a young friend. She didn't enjoy it. Who's this? Thomas Gibson.

Wait, from Dharma and Greg? From Dharma and Greg and Criminal Minds. Criminal Minds, more importantly. He's a fun guy. He keeps me young. He is kind of young. What is he, maybe about 45 at this point? Close to 50, I think. Close to 50, yeah. I mean, that's not bad. That's a step in the right direction. He was nice.

You seem kind of like you softened a bit when you thought about Thomas Gibson. Remember that time he asked you if you like baseball? He's got two shows in syndication. It's true. He was nice. He's older than you. Thinner than you. True. He's not sick as far as I know. No, seems fit as a fiddle. He could get sick. Could get sick. What would you think if Gillian here started dating Thomas Gibson? Are you more of a bros before hoes kind of guy? Would that affect your relationship with Gibby? I don't know what those words mean.

I would say Tommy is a good guy. His life is his own. I'm not going to stand in the way of two people who are potentially happy together. I probably would say, hey, don't let her talk you into murdering anyone. Who would I need to murder with him? He's not married. I think he's single, yeah. Yeah. That would be a smooth transition. He's got an ex-wife. I don't know if that matters to you. Alimony. Ugh.

No, see, that's what I liked about murdering your wife is no divorce settlement. You didn't have to split up your estate. You don't get half of the half. Yeah. You get half of the pot.

What do you get for like Dharma and Greg like syndication checks at this point? What do you think he's getting a month? What are you getting for those? I do because of ABC. I made a deal with them very smart back in the day when they said, hey, you got to make your show a multi-camera show instead of a single camera show. I said, OK, I just need in return for that a cut of every future sitcom you ever produce. Right. So.

out of Tommy's check this is how we became friends by the way he confronted me he said who are you to take my money I said I wanted the Bel Air Illuminati right so he shut his mouth um

I get roughly a quarter of every check that he makes. A quarter of every check he makes? Yeah. Oh, interesting. 25 cents. I still think that I got to kill you. I mean, really, for me. Hey, you're welcome to try. Why would you kill him? You're divorced. Yeah, but if I marry Thomas Gibson, I don't want to be giving a quarter of his checks to my ex-husband. It goals you, doesn't it? Everything about you.

She calls me. Don't marry anybody from the ABC TGIF family. Those are my favorite shows. They're everybody's favorite shows. Don't marry Urkel. Let's list them now. Family Ties. Wait a minute. That's NFNBC. We're talking Thursday night NBC. In your old time slot. Your new time slot. Family Matters. Family Matters. That's what we're saying. We got Family Matters. That's right. I get a quarter from everybody. Full house. Urkel.

Full house, that's right. That's all I can think of. Step by step? Sure. Yep. What about, do you get stuff from new shows like Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23? I still don't know what that B stands for. I think it's an actual B. Wait, no, no, no. Please don't curse on this show. Bitch. I don't like the way you looked at me up from under when you said that word. I'll use it in a sentence. It was chilling. You bitch.

Wait, how about a... That's not really a sentence. You can't say... How about a sentence like, don't trust the bitch in apartment 23? No, I like just, you bitch.

So you get some of that, though? Yeah. Okay. All right. Great. How about happy endings? Get some of that? That's right. All right. Pretty much any- Hey, by the way, did you ever consent to appearing on that show? I remember Casey Wilson asked you. Yeah, if I would be on that show. If you'd be interested. Has not happened yet. Hasn't yet, but we will see. It's nice that the writers were speculating that you might be willing to appear on a television show. Yep, and have not got-

Got that call. This guy, do you know this guy named Paul F. Tompkins? I do. Who's that? He's a pretty good comedian. Yeah, pretty good. He was on Community. Yeah, that's right. I remember that. In a bar, right? Yeah. How did he do? Was he ass back? Nah. How much control do you have over that? 100%. 100? Huh, interesting. Why don't you make your own money?

I don't want to. It's hard. Do you have bad investments? You're a well-paid Hollywood actress. I'm very tired, okay? I just want to sit back, listen to this. It's true. Please, just stop telling me to listen to things. Listen to her. I don't listen to anything you have to say without you commanding me to. I'm used to that what? I know we've had our differences, but if you want him to listen to you...

I will prompt him to listen to you. I think he'll respect it more coming from me. Okay, yeah, I probably will. Hear me, hear me. I'm tired. Scott, listen to this. Oh, yes. Yes, sir, Mr. Marshall. What? You guys are sexist. That's what this is about. You won't listen to me because I'm a woman. That's why I have to say listen to this. Look, look, I grew up in a different time, so that's my excuse. This guy is just a jerk. He should know better. Rosa Parks and so forth. What?

Mr. Marshall, I did want to ask about Barbara. She was in... Oh, thank you. Gary, what happened with Barbara? Is she still in stasis or is... She's still in stasis laying across... Why haven't you unfrozen her now that we're divorced? It's nice to have the quiet around the house sometimes. I got the house to myself. I can watch all my sporting events. At what point do you think you'll wake her up?

I think what I miss her. When you miss her? Well, when I really miss her. You know what I mean? When I feel like, all right, enough of the boys' night out. It's time to have my little Barbara back with me. Boys' night out. Paul Reiser, Denzel Washington, and Euchre. Bob Euchre, that's right.

Sweet Denzel and Bob Yuka. Bob Yuka is very rich. He was grandfathered in during those Taste Great Less Filling commercials. And then, of course, Mr. Belvedere. I earn a quarter of every check that he gets for that. Yep, of course.

Oh, boy. Well, you guys, I wish that you weren't going to go to sleep angry tonight with each other. He's not mad. Look at him. He's happy as a pig in shit. I'm the one who's on the street. This is how I am. That's right. On the street. I'm going around pawn shop to pawn shop with a rotary phone and a fax machine. That's what I've got. What is your situation? Where do you live? In my car. That's right. She's the only working sitcom actress living in a car. Wow. What did you spend your money on?

Listen, my wedding dress was very expensive and he wouldn't pay for it. And I really felt like I had to look great on that day. I thought it was every girl's dream to buy her own expensive wedding dress. That's true. What was it like? It had diamonds. It had a lot of glow sticks sewn into it. Very expensive. A couple Swarovski crystals. Some shot glasses that I stapled to the back. I was like a shot dinosaur, you know? Yeah, a shot dinosaur. Yeah, we all know what that is. You don't have to explain it. Come on. Stop right there. A shot-a-saur.

It was a fun party. I mean, people were just, you know. Yeah, it was all right. Drinking shots off the back of my dress. Went on too long, if you ask me. I'm sorry. How long did it go? 20 minutes. We're up there until 9 p.m.

Like, I gotta be up in three hours to start my day. I feel bad. He wakes up at midnight. Wake up at midnight, greet the day. Ask him what he does from midnight to 5 a.m. Ask me. Listen to this! Mr. Marshall, what's going on from midnight to 5? I continue to write scripts for Laverne and Shirley. Why?!

I'm interested in seeing these characters are still alive. They're still living with you, yeah. And yet you don't talk to Penny, which is the real-life Laverne. You can find out for yourself. You know, Scott, I guess in a way...

I write these scripts as a way of talking to Penny. Oh, my gosh. Can I? Please, Killian. Please. Sorry. We're getting to the good stuff here. We're getting to the good stuff. This one always making that noise and saying, gag me with a spoon. It's like you married Moon Zappa or something. Who? Okay, so. Valley girl. Have you ever thought that maybe your problems with women are...

are a result of the relationship with your sister, Penny. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. You know what? I haven't, but it sounds like you're right. Okay. Well, there you go. So maybe that's the first step in order to... I'll call Penny tonight. How much money does Penny have? Just to go back to... Oh, she's filthy rich. All right. Yeah, that league of her own. Their own, her own. League of his own money. There. There was more than one woman. It was their league.

You're exasperated with everyone. I don't know how anyone can stand you. How would you feel if you were living out of your car and your only worldly possessions were a fax machine and a rotary phone? It wouldn't come to that with me because I'm nice to people. Oh, it's all lucky. It's good.

I'm living a pile of money. First of all, congratulations on living in that pile of money. Thank you so much. Everybody's talking about it behind the gates. Yeah, I know. I hope to make it there. Secondly, you never know what's going to happen. It's easy to say, oh, that wouldn't be me living in a car with a fax machine or rotary phone. Never say that you know what's going to happen. You bet it all on a diamond mine. Next thing you know, you're dead.

Wow. All right. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had hoped that this might be the first comedy bing bong marriage. We all hope that. People who met on the show. That's right. There's UCB babies. What? People who meet at UCB and do improv together. They have babies together. Oh, I thought UCB babies were, it was like a condition where babies are born addicted to pot.

It's also a cartoon in the works with a tiny Matt Besser and a tiny Amy Poehler, and you just see the mother's shoes and legs. But, yeah, I had hoped that maybe— The mother is played by Viola Spolin. That's a deep cut. Yep. I had hoped that you guys would be the first, you know, comedy bing-bong marriage that lasted, you know? I mean, The Bachelor has Trista and Ryan. It's true. They're still together. Gillian's crying right now. She's literally weeping.

What's wrong? What's going on, Gilly? What's the matter, honey? I can't do it. What's the matter, honey? I can't do it. I'm going to get in my car. What's happening here? Carrie, I made a huge mistake. Would you have me back? Listen, the best I can do, because my wife is coming back any week now. The best I can do is you can stay in the guest house. Yeah. You'd have me in the guest house? Now, the guest house, you should know, it's a modified car. Okay. Okay.

It's up on blocks, and it's behind the Hollywood YMCA. Oh, that's so better than what I got now. It's got a toilet in it. Oh, all right. What is it, a hollowed-out car with a toilet in the rumble seat? In the rumble seat, that's right. Yeah, it's an old packer. That's where the real rumbles are coming. All right. Gary didn't like that one.

My grandkids sure like this. Yeah, they love it. Your grandkids love me. They do. You, not so much. You know, they talk about you a lot. Ah, you're a good kid. Come on. Thanks so much, Mr. Bush. I was a young guy once, and it was fun to say things you weren't supposed to say. Back when you were with the Outsiders. That's right. We used to go around stabbing each other. Yeah, you know, the S.E. Hinton Rumblefish years. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

That's the end. The woman author. Yeah, the woman author. We know that's a woman author, of course. Yeah, of course it is. I don't even know why I said that. Why wouldn't we know she's a woman author? Because you two pricks don't think that women can write books. Sorry. Have you ever written a book? Yeah. What's your book? How to Get By. With four Y's?

Well, look for that on audible.com. Who narrates that one for the Audible audiobookers? Gilbello's. Gilbello's. Number six. Oh, boy. Those two. Those two. Something about them when they get together. It was murder. Murder.

More old references. Older, older, older, older people are shouting. That was a reference to Heart to Heart, which was a TV show about two wealthy people who solved crimes in their spare time. They were married. Yeah, they were a married couple. Named the Hearts. Yeah, Jonathan and Valerie Hart. Yeah, there was a guy, Robert Wagner, right? Yeah, Robert Wagner and Stephanie Powers. Who would say stuff like, Max, is that your tie or did you throw up on your shirt? Yeah.

He was rude. He was a servant. He was just a rude guy. Rude to servants. Yeah. And their, you know, servant was this guy, Max, who was a senior citizen. Was he a servant or just a friend who like hung out with him on a payroll? No, he was like their butler or something. He like drove them and stuff. And he was so old, but he was their loyal manservant. What's the difference between an employee and a servant? Is it they live with you?

I think so, yeah. Well, I think an employee is not doing things for you personally. Okay. They have a job that they fulfill. A task. But a servant is literally serving you. Oh, man, I want one so bad. Of course, I do too, Scott. I look at that Downton Abbey and I'm like, that's the way to do it, brother. I got to do it. I got to live that way. To have like 20 people living down in your basement. They're afraid of you and they think you're a god. Yeah.

You like somebody else speaks up and like they gossip about you. And then there's like the head dude is like, you watch your mouth. That man is rich. I think you'd be a good head dude. No, I want to be there. Now you're going to be the head dude down below. Oh, you're going to be great. You're at the top of that food chain. Yeah, I know. But meanwhile, I'm in the bottom of the food chain up top. I wanted to be the what? I'm upstairs. Yeah, I'm upstairs. Who are you up there?

I'm like the stable boy who married the chauffeur who married the, you know. Like, I used to be at the bottom, too, with you. Right. But then I married someone. How do we treat each other when you come downstairs? Well, you have to afford me the respect I deserve. I'm part of the family. Ah!

But look, speaking of married, that was episode number six in your countdown, Gary Unmarried. And before we go to a break, we have time for a little buzz. Quit. Oh, I said the S's. I'm so sorry. That's okay. That's okay. I'm a little thrown by your buzzing phone on the table. I'm sorry. My wife did not know I was recording. Yes!

multiple episodes. Friday night lights. Friday night lights. I'm sorry. It's very late at night. Coach's wife. It's very late at night. But we're doing it. We're going to plow through until the end. And we're doing it. We are doing it. We're having sex with each other. What? Your wife didn't know about that either. That's why she's texting me. This is a tea party, key party.

Okay, this is a great bonus clip. This is probably one of the hardest times I've ever laughed on this show. Wow. And this is from episode 230, which came out right before season two of the Comedy Bing Bong TV show. And I had my good friend Reggie Watts on the show. And I had Neil Campbell, who is our head writer. Neil Campbell. Campbell, yes. Camptown Bells.

And we decided to have a freestyle rap contest. And we all knew Reggie would do really, really well because this is... This is his thing. It's what he... He makes up songs all the time. It's what he does for a living. None of us knew about Neil's skills in this area. Was this the first instance... Yes. ...of Neil's legendary rap prowess? Yes. This is...

Pretty amazing. And I was crying laughing off mic. Maybe you can hear me during part of it. But this is the Freestyle Rap Contest from episode 230 here on our bonus clips. Clip.

Well, guys, we all know what time it is in the show. I do. Oh, yeah. Tell us. It is time to get down and feel good. That is right, because it's time for the Freestyle Rap Battle. Oh, my gosh. Who do you think will win? I wonder. Well, we have two.

Terrible white rappers. When I say terrible white rappers, we're not white rappers. I mean, we're terrible at both rapping and being white. Yeah. And you have Reggie Watts, who does this for a living. Yeah, kind of. Cody, we need Engineer Cody's here with us. We need a subject. We need a subject.

God damn, one word. All you need to think of is one word, and he gave me a look of fear, and then he shrugged. Come on, one word out of anything. Vacuum cleaners. Vacuum cleaners. All right, Neil. Take it. Oh, no, no. Here we go. Vacuum cleaners. Neil Campbell. Neil Campbell. Neil Campbell.

When I'm sucking up dirt in my room, I have a vacuum cleaner and not a broom. I need to get clean because my girl's coming over. I don't want her to see all the shit on the floor. All the things that will make her realize girls aren't my thing. I gotta get down. I gotta get rid of stuff and get out of town.

When I'm cleaning with my vacuum I got a girl coming over She don't know I'm gay I just play it that way She will never know I ain't straight I was here last night with my mate And we did mate

Suck it up. Yeah. Suck it up. Suck it up like a vacuum cleaner. Suck it up like a cleaner. Well, I was sitting in my room watching Darkwing Duck. Then I grabbed the vacuum cleaner. What did I do? Suck, suck, suck, suck, sucking up the dirt. Sucking up the dirt don't hurt.

Because, whoa, why did this music get so loud? Music got loud from the cloud. Yeah. I store my music in the cloud because I don't like to have CDs. Nuts. I like data. I like data because I'm a player who likes the data. I keep all my songs in my cloud player. Yeah.

I suck up the cloud. What if you could use a vacuum on songs? Boy, that would be really cool. You'd have a ton of songs in your vacuum cleaner, and then you'd empty the bag and throw out all your songs. Empty the bag. Throw out all the songs. Reggie Watts!

Yo, I'm the kind of guy who likes to keep clean. But no one ever knows because I try to not be seen. I always got my vacuum cleaner on the clean clean. Everyone sees me pull it out of my trunk. I take it out of trunks and I bring it in the houses. Vacuum all the crumbs and all the little mouses. I do it just for free because I love to vacuum. Everybody knows I like to become the vacuum. Thank you very much, Mr. Mr. Vacuum. I think I'm going to try an oil rickety.

Yo, yo.

Yo, it's got a handle and a stem and it's got this thing that has a rotating brush that keeps lots of things out of its way, but it specifically grabs an engineer to get everything on your floor except for the things that you hold dear, like gold rings and necklaces and earrings. They definitely won't suck that stuff up because it's got an intelligent system that can kind of filter out the types of things that you prefer and it's referenced through an application you download to your phone. And that's how vacuums worked, how they always worked all the way from the 50s. Applications rule.

The content of the vacuum cleaners and people knew that shit. Yo, witch, hazel, whatever. You gotta use that shit as you can. Bewitched is not enough, so you gotta stick to the plan. Because the Sams, the two Sams, I couldn't tell the difference. But all I knew is one thing that kept them both together. It was the flume, the plume, the gloom. Yo, it was that motherfucking vacuum. Yeah! Yeah. Let's hear from Neil again.

All right, here we go. I use my vacuum to suck up coins. I use my mouth to suck up groins. And I'm in if I get rid of the dirt.

You know I get rid of my shirt. And then I'm getting real dirty. And it's because I'm getting real flirty with all the boys at the pool. I go there every day after school. I'm not in school. I'm 33. But I like the boys who watch younger than me. So after they get out of school, I head on down into the pool. And I see them with just their trunks on. And I say, damn, that's one long schlong. I...

♪ One in the locker room ♪ ♪ So you can do the nasty boom ♪ ♪ Up my butt and in my face ♪ ♪ I will do it, no disgrace ♪ ♪ I like the way you sweat ♪

And I like feeling your wet little mouth, Ahmad. So much younger, but you look so fine. And then when I take you home and your mom doesn't know where you are now, no. She was trying to pick you up, but you're at my house and I'm making you up, up, up.

Up it goes. You make it. Learn to grow. Then I think you have to do the same to your own body. That's my name. You're going to keep saying my name. My name is Neil Adu. That's my name. Say it real loud. Don't be ashamed.

That's amazing. Wow. That's really amazing. That's the best. Oh, no, no, no. We're done. We're done. You don't have to start it over. That was the best. Who's the winner? That was the best. I can't tell. I think Nealathan. Neal rhymed a lot, I have to say. He did. He rhymed the most. I'm going to award this to Neal. Congratulations. Yeah, it's got to go. It's got to go. Wow. I'm going to kill myself now. Clip. Yeah, amazing.

Good stuff, huh? Good stuff. Wild and weird. Weird. Come over. Sit on the couch. I play tennis. I can't do it. I can't do it. Well, you're not known for your impressions. That's true. Yeah, you know what? I've got to go easier myself. Yeah. All right. We have to take a break. When we come back, we will have number five on your countdown. And let me just tell you, this was the closest one yet.

All right. Well, come on back. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Scott Aukerman, host of Comedy Bang Bang. I have a very exciting announcement for the first show of next week. That's right. A great guest on next week's show, Eric John Roche, legendary author and scholar. He's going to be here.

If you know anything about Eric John Rauch, this is exciting stuff. John Rauch is an incredibly tough man to track down. He's the author of 57 best-selling novels in 85 different languages. He's got The Spoils of Galaxy 7, The Spoils of Grasping for God, The Spoils of the Sahara, The Spoils of the Singing Night Squirrel, The Spoils of the Weeping Falcon, and The Spoils Beneath the Sea. He is an amazing author!

It's understandable why he isn't always able to stick to his commitments, even if he is scheduled to make an appearance, but he promised me personally he would be here for next week's episode. I'm excited. I'm humbled. John Rausch is on the books. He's going to be on this program, and he'll be discussing his latest project, The Spoils of Babylon.

That's right, The Spoils of Babylon, his phenomenal novel that has always sold out, is now an epic miniseries coming to IFC Thursday, January 9th. So don't forget to tune in to next week's episode of Comedy Bang Bang to get all the sclusies on what it was like making this television magic. Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here with The Countdown and Paul.

Scott. I teased it before the break. I know. I can't get over that tease. Oh, my gosh. This was the closest in our votes. The closest to? The closest to...

Meaning two episodes were mere votes separating them. So five and four? No, the previous one, six and five. Okay. Previous one, Gary Unmarried. So this one just barely edged out, Gary Unmarried. Barely edged out. And it was, they kept flip-flopping the entire time the vote was live.

One would be at six and one would be at five and vice versa. They would flip flop. Finally, when I close the voting this afternoon, let me just tell you that Gary Unmarried had 2,554 votes. Wow. And this episode had 2,556 votes. Wow. Two votes separated them. That is some crazy 2,554.

Year old man. Old man. Shit. So this is, of course, number five on your countdown. Number five. All right. Number five. This is from episode 219. All right. And this is an episode...

Please choose your words carefully. The previous installments of this episode have been on our best of countdown the previous two years. And the first installment of it was number one in our countdown two years ago.

And then number, the second installment in our countdown last year, I think slipped to three maybe. And now they've slipped to five, almost six. But this is an episode called Farts and Procreation 3. Farts and Procreation 3. Now, a lot of people said it couldn't be done twice. Then they said it shouldn't be done thrice. After they heard it. That's right. Yes. But you said, no, we're doing this. We're doing it. No one wanted to do it.

Earlier, I believe a day ago, Chelsea Peretti, who is in this episode, tweeted to Harris Whittles, who is also in this episode, hey, did you vote yet? And gave him the link. And Harris said, I don't think people should vote for it. Harris! Was he not pleased with his performance in the show? No, we had a good time. I mean, if you listen to this episode...

It's a really good time. We're just having fun. We're just goofing around. You're just having fun? That's all. Heavy bit saturation. Adam Scott from Parks and Recreation is also on this episode. And we tape them late at night. We don't plan anything. And they're really crazy. Were they all taped late at night? They all were. Was the first one taped late at night? And then after that, you were like, let's tape. Yes. We said we have to recreate the exact experience each time. How late at night are we talking? We're talking about as late as this.

Because we're doing it late at night here. It's 1 a.m. right now. Usually Adam will get off of the set around 8.30 or so and then we'll come over here and we'll do it like, you know, 9, 9.30, somewhere around there. I heard that it's because Rob Lowe turns into a weird creature past a certain hour. Yeah. Well, yeah, 8.15.

Right. So everyone has to be gone because they have to chain him up on the soundstage. Or else Roblo smash. Yeah. And everyone has to evacuate the building. Yes. And their bowels. Well, to get out of there faster. In fear as well. So this is Farts and Procreation 3. Look, we're just having fun here. People...

I will say these are divisive episodes. This is a disclaimer. These are very divisive episodes. People after this came out said, guys, knock it off. And just as many people say, you know what?

They're having fun. This is fun stuff. And we have great chemistry together. Are there any people that say this should be the show all the time? No, none of the participants either. Of course not. It's like lightning in a bottle. You try to recapture it. Sometimes you can. I think they're all really funny, but I do think that each has been less funny than the other.

The previous ones. But at the same time, this is good stuff, you know, and we're all having fun. We're going to try to do another one in 2014. And maybe that one will stink. I don't know. It's exclusive. But I have to say, when we get together, we have fun. And that's what people are listening to. And you know what? If you don't like it, talk to the bursar for a full refund. That's right.

So we're going to hear a good chunk of this, and you're going to hear a couple of things. You're going to hear just the beginning when we're just warming up, and then we're going to go to a section towards the end where typically Adam and Harris debut new characters. And so we're going to hear some of their new characters.

This is your episode number five on the countdown. This is Farts and Procreation 3. Number five. Can I ask something? Sure. If Ebert zombified and came back to life, wouldn't it be funny if two thumbs came through the dirt instead of a hand? Is that phone corner? I guess, yeah. It could be considered phone. Shouldn't he hear the theme, I guess? Yes.

By the way, I need to introduce you, but let's get to the theme after I introduce you. It should just be one thumb, though, and then...

Siskel should be the one. Do you think they're buried next to each other? I know that they're buried next to each other. This is the theme song to Harris' phone corner. Say it again. Also, well, it'd be funny if Ebert, if he zombified and then instead of his hand coming up through the dirt, two thumbs came up through the dirt. Yes, it would. What if, um, and like if...

Who's a dead guy with a dick? All of them. What? Other than guys that were killed by getting their dick taken off. Yeah, so... Wait, now that monkey did tear off someone's dick and the guy died from it. So you're not talking about him. Not that guy. Process of elimination. We have everyone else left. Okay, so if we put any of those guys...

Like their dick came up through the dirt. Anyone else? What? Any human male who is dead. So you're just saying you'd like to see a zombie dick come up through a grave. Yeah. Sure. What about like a porn star that was famous for his dick? Exactly. I guess that is more apropos. Yeah, what's his face?

Yeah, that dead guy with a dick. John Holmes? No. John Holmes. Clark Gable? Who are you thinking of? The guy who's known for his big dick. But he has to be dead. Oh, but he will be. Milton Berle. So like Ron Jeremy or something? Yeah, you're talking about Ron Jeremy. You think he's going to die soon? I hope so. What? Jesus. What? He's a human being. Well, this is a comedy show. With a big dick. Oh, that's true. That's true. Joke clause.

Let me explain who you guys are. Unless, Adam, you wanted to say something. I just wanted to say, has it really been ten moths since we got together last time? No, ten months. You've got to put an N in there. How many moths has it been? A thousand. I don't get it. I saw a moth last night at my house. Really? And I was like, man, it feels like it's been like 20 moths.

Since you saw that moth? Well, now it's been like three months since I saw that one. I want to be a conscientious objector to that joke. Kill me. What would you do if I did try to kill you? Like, you were at your house. You heard a noise. You realized I was in your house. And I was looking at you and I'm like, it's not a joke, man. If this happened, I'd just put myself into that situation.

And I feel like I made the connection like very immediately of, oh, she's obsessed with me. Like that's that's crazy. Yeah. Because I put myself in that situation when, oh, Chelsea's obsessed with me. Oh, no shit. I got to get out of the house. But like, wouldn't you just be like, Chels, like, are you all right? And then you look at me and I'm like, dead ass serious. Like, I'm clearly not all right. And I'm holding a knife and a gun.

Oh, both? Yeah. I think at first I would think that Kulop had let you in and she was like in the bathroom. But you see her dead on the floor. Oh. Jesus Christ. From the knife or the gun? Both. Wait, why stab then or what order? Are you stabbing then shooting or? Are you asking what I would do if that happened?

I've never seen anyone think anything is so funny as this. Why is this so funny to you?

Because it's going to happen. Wait, did it happen already? Have you killed Gulab? This is her break. This is her mental break. Oh my gosh. This is the decision happening right now. I just think it's really funny to ask someone, what if you violently killed their wife and then we're going to kill them? That just seems funny. Oh, that's what you were laughing at. Oh, I get it now. That thing we heard you say? Oh, right.

You're right. That is funny. Please don't do it. May I request that? Do you ever think, Chelsea, that you might snap? No. Okay, so... So we have these new characters. New show. Okay, great. So how do you get into them?

The traditional way? Classic. Creek slam situation? Look, it's pretty basic. I mean, it's not like we have a whole process we go through. We just like, boom, we can just jump in. It just depends on you and your time and when you want to. I have like two minutes. Okay. Oh, okay. We're really running the gamut here. We can do any version.

I have probably another half an hour to listen to this. Great. Okay, great. It's just like a relaxed sort of thing, you know. You want us to relax? Is that what you're saying? You're required to relax. But we have a very specific thing that we do, so we would appreciate it if you just like... Do you want me to sit back in my chair? Is that what you're asking me to do? Yeah, if you could sit back and just relax and shut the fuck up. All right. All right. I'm way back here. You're not shutting the fuck up, though. Creak, slam, sit.

*coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing* *coughing*

All right. I'll sit another minute just to see if it comes. This bus ain't never going to come. You know that driver, Horace. Oh, hey, what's your name? I'm sorry. Wait, Chelsea's in this too? Caslita. Caslita. Caslita. Yeah. Caslita...

Andrews. Caslita Andrews. Nice to meet you. We're just waiting for the bus. Ditto. Can you caslieve us alone? Fine. Fuck you. Pension's running high at the bus stop. See you on the bus, bitch. That's quite a mouth on that little honey, huh? Why are you being so mean? Really aggressive. To be fair, you're the first who asked to be casleft alone. Yeah, that hurt my feelings.

Oh, we're talking here. He just came over yelling shit at us. I was just winging it on the bus way. My friend is sick. I'm sick too. Are you waiting for the bus too, honey? Yeah. What the fuck else would I be doing out here, you dumb motherfucker? Just kidding. How are you?

That's a good kid. Fine. I'm not sure where your center is. I'm not sure how to react to you. Can we get this homeless woman out of the theater? Is this an interactive show? No, it's scripted. The caslita is scripted. So is this. Yeah, what I'm doing right now. I know that because I'm reading from the script right now. All right. Regroup. Regroup. Re-creek. Re-slam. How's Wendell? Uh...

You always bring up Wendell. Well, you never tell me. Do you think that's going to change today? No, it's not. Chances of that are as good as you seeing a doctor, huh? Just one day. Excuse me. Hey, I may be narrating this, but I can make jokes. Excuse me, what's your name? My name? My name is Ping Pong. Ping Pong? Yes. It's great to meet you, Ping Pong. Ping Pong Jones. Well, Jones.

Doctor Jones. Yes, I'm a doctor. Why do you say it like that, though? How else am I supposed to say it? Well, like, Doctor Jones. That's right. You're a doctor. Yes, and my name is Jones. So shut the fuck up. Hey! Sorry. I just want to be cussed left alone over here. Don't treat me like that. Anyway. How's Wendell? Listen, I'm not going to tell you how Wendell is. Every day we fucking come here.

And I ask how Wendell is, and you don't tell me how he is. And he's my... two. Your what? He's my... two. Listen, you want to find out how Wendell is, you're going to have to wait for the bus to come. Because as you know, he's the bus driver. Well, don't look like Wendell's coming today. He never comes, does he? You know what I would love? If we...

just while we're waiting did our characters. That'd be great. Let's do it. What? You guys have characters? Quake. Slong. Sult. Parallel universe. Hi. Oh, hey. How's it going? Pretty good.

Oh, hi. Hey, Ping Pong Jones. Dr. Ping Pong Jones. Dr. Ping Pong Jones. How are you? I'm great. This guy is so much nicer than the other guy. Yeah, my name is Jason Forges. Forges. Oh, okay. My name is Clark Griswold. You don't say. My name is Sherry O'Terry. Oh, my God.

Wait, so, Coslita slipped into character as well? Oh, I don't know. I don't know who this person is, but I'm very happy to meet you. If you don't mind, I'm going to get back to canning this gravy.

Should we put on the rubber gloves to finish the canning process? Absolutely. Why is there a woman that you've never met before in this cannery? I just assumed she was the boss's daughter or something. Yeah, or a health inspector or something like that. Are you either of those things? The boss's daughter or a health inspector? You wish. Wait, are you the famous Sherry O'Terry? Yeah, right.

Miss, if you'd like to participate in... I would. Maybe you should speak into the microphone. Fine. Here you go. How do you like that, you little silly belly? I like it a lot more because I can hear you. I'm a doctor. I'm a nurse. Oh, we've got to stop. I think the bus is here. Okay, let's shoot. That was just a guy on a skateboard. Oh, well. What I love about California is you can skate in the afternoons.

Then you can, like, take an eight-hour drive, depending on where you're skating. Oh, look, the bus is here. The bus is here. Nah. No. Just a guy boogie boarding. Just a guy boogie boarding down the street. So we work at the cannery. Oh, back in the cannery.

Cool. Well, what do you guys do at the cannery? What was your name? Clark? Clark. You actually can the gravy. I can the gravy. And what was your name again? Jason Vorges. Jason Vorges. Yeah. Nice to meet you. Pleased to meet you. I'm pleased to meet you as well. Thank you. What do you do here in the cannery, if I may be so bold as to ask? Clark Griswold and I are in charge of the actual...

Okay. What happens is you have a can, and this is a canned gravy factory. Sure. We're in Dubuque, Nebraska. Okay. A lot of good info. Just to give you a sense of where we are. I mean, I know where we are, obviously, because I traveled here. Yeah, just shut up for a second. And the can stops in the conveyor belt. Clark fills it with gravy, and then I seal the top of it.

But what you're forgetting is that sometimes there's what we call drippage. And you need to take a towel and you gotta wipe away the drippage. And whose responsibility is that? Your mom. That actually is your mom's responsibility. My mom? Yeah. And we've been waiting on her for half an hour. We have a lot of dirty cans of gravy. I mean, that is why I'm here at the factory to tell you that she is no longer with us.

The company. She's no longer with the company. Oh, okay. Well, people still got to get their gravy, so... So what, are you just going to hand out drippy cans of gravy? No. Or are you guys going to come up with a solution? We need someone to take care of the drippage. Might I suggest, because this is a woman's job... Yeah. Sherry O'Terry? There's someone right over here who could maybe towel off this drippage.

Do you have any experience toweling off some drippage? Yeah. What the hell does that mean? No. I've never been sexually excited in my life. What? Sherry? I think you're jumping to conclusions, but I appreciate it. Well, I felt he was doing blatant double entendre, and I'm not the type to play games.

Okay. I've never had an orgasm. Oh, no. And in such, I refuse to engage in double entendre because it only makes me feel less than. We have to solve this problem for her, guys. Hey, Clark. Solve this problem. Clark, while we have some time waiting for the drippage. What are you waiting for? My mom's not coming in. Do you want to try out a couple of our characters? Yeah, I would love that.

Alright. Gronk! Slong! Slonk! Uh, Evan? Uh... How's it going? Hi, Vince. How's it going? I'm fine. How's window? How's window? Oh, the window is clear. Perfect day for looking out. It's very beautiful.

Ah, look at all that. Wasteland. The world was such a nice place before it ended. Well, let's go scavenge for water and beware of the scavengers. Scarp. There's a scavenger. Who goes there? Who is it? It is I. Yes? State your name and purpose. My name is Sherry O'Terry.

I'm the grandmother of the famous Sherry O'Terry. You outlived. In the future? Have we traveled to the past? I'm immortal. Well, tell us, Sherry, how's window? The window is magnificent. It has never been touched. Okay, you can pass. Thank you.

So wait. Bye! Hold on. In this apocalyptic wasteland where you're watching out for scavengers, your one security measure is asking how the window is. And if they respond that the window is fine, you let them into your house? Well, times have changed. This isn't your world as you know it. The world can't have changed that much that you're not fearful of scavengers. Well, windows are...

The life force that the entire world and what we used to know of as Amarika depend upon. Depends. And if Lord Shitqueef gets his hand on one, it'll be the end of us all. Now, hold on one second. I have to ask about the name of your ruler, I'm taking it? Yeah, well, the Lord of the Dark Side. We are the good ones. What was his name, though? Lord Shitqueef.

Uh-huh. He's the ruler of the dark side of the force. How did he get his name, or is that his Christian name? It's his Jewish name. Oh, I see. There's no such thing as Christianity. Only Judaism. Oh, I'm so sorry. I knew those assholes would take over one day. Yeah.

Yeah. So you guys are sort of fighting against the evil Jews? Yeah. We're trying to exterminate them. Oh, I see. How many of them are there? You know, give or take six million. Oh, okay. But they're bad. Sure. We're good in this future. Yeah. No, I mean, it's quite ironic. It's almost like a Twilight Zone situation. Yeah. Hey, Georgian. Yes. Now that we have some time, would you like to try out some characters?

I would love to. How much time do you guys actually have? You guys were like going out to scavenge. Crick, slam, shot. How's window? Good, good.

This is a masterpiece. Really? Who are you? I... They're obviously window-loving dogs. And who are you in this situation? Oh, I had stepped out of it. I was Chelsea. Oh, okay. You're Chelsea again. Oh, okay. I'm still Pong Jones. Doctor. Oh, Adam's still in it. Hair's still in it. Okay.

They seem to be... Let's go back. This is like real acting. Lord Shitqueef. Yes. Wait, are you Lord Shitqueef? You just said yes. Yes. Oh my god, so in this scenario, I thought that you were... Who were you? Well, the dogs are living in 20 years past...

The time of the second Holocaust. Oh, okay. That's what you guys call it in the future. Lord Chitkweth actually won. Okay. So the Jews survived. And dogs and humans have cross-pollinated. Yeah. Oh! So it's just a bunch of, like, dog men roaming the earth. Who started that? Who was the first person to actually have sex with a dog? Harris Whittles. Okay. He's still alive then? Yeah.

No, this was like 10,000 years ago. Oh, okay. How many times did he do it? Constantly. Okay. Starting in the year 2010. Can I ask you, was this as a result of a wife swap? Yeah. Well, the first dog, yeah, it was Rocky. Holy shit. What are you doing to my dog? So wait, everyone in the future is a half Boston Terrier, half Jewish sitcom writer? Yeah.

We should be so lucky. That would be a great mix. How about hearing yourself reduced down to Jewish sitcom writer? Oh, I thought I was the Boston Terrier. Wait, should we go back to the previous characters? Yeah, who were we? I think we're at the dogs now. We're in the dogs, yeah, okay. Sorry, we can't just go back to Harrison Adam. We have to kind of go back through. No, go back all the way through. Okay, no, take your time. Do it as much as you need to do. Okay.

Let's go back. Who's? Can I have a sip of your milk? Who is this? It's come. Wait, the dog just ate? The other dogs come? Sir.

Wait, now the dogs are farting? Guys, I thought you were getting out of these characters. You just fart-screwed me. You know what? Fart-screw me twice, shame on me. Oh, wait, wait. Come here. I want you to take a look at something. Just get your face right up to this thing. Okay, better be milk. Guys, why do you keep falling for this?

Well, what can I say? My brain is more dog than man. I'll say. Should we go back? Sure. How do you keep falling for this? All the dog mans in the world, I'm stuck with this asshole. You can say that again. Yeah.

Okay. So now you're... Now we're back. Wait, we have to... Lord Shitqueef is over there. We better get back. Yes. See it? Slam. Creak.

Oh, this gravy's not going to wipe itself. Yeah, we're still waiting for that person. Should we go back? Yeah, looks like a woman's not going to show up to do a woman's job. Oh, well. So what else is new, you know? Well, let's go back to the... Screech, screech, sit. Screech, slam. Or something. Hey, how's it going? Looks like this bus is never going to... I don't think so. Screech!

The buzz is here. No. Just a surfer.

I'm sorry, a surfer? Hey man, I love my motorized surfboard! See, he told you. Look at him go. I love wasting gas and throwing it in the ocean! Well, we'll never find out how Wendell is or who he was. Never. Let's go back. Slam, Sart, Clark, Griswold, Harris. Wait! Now we're Harris. Wait, what was that?

We almost went through the portal. Was that Kazlita? Who's there? Kazlita! The bus is here! The bus is here! The bus is here! Let's get on. Oh, no. It's a coyote. Let's still get on. Okay. Do you want to come with us, young lady? Sure. I'm bored out of my mind.

So you guys are all going to hop onto a coyote and just... Yeah, fuck it. Let's get on this fucking thing. You get in the front, though. I'm scared. Okay. Does it matter where the coyote's going? No. Wherever the coyote's going, we all want to go. Oh, yeah? Yeah!

Woo! Yeah. He's walking. He's walking. Woo! Woo! If you jump on this coyote, you may never get out of Karak, though. That's true. You know? We're already going. I don't ever want to get out of Karak. Me neither. I love Karak. Karak is not whack in this case. Karak is not whack. Seriously.

I guess maybe we just played safe and get out of here. No, stay on it. Stay on it. Stay on it. Come on. Stay on it, sir. Stay on it. Stay on the coyote. Let's take the coyote and candelabra back into regular time. Just to prove to everybody that we did this? Yeah. All right, here it is. Come on, guys. Crark. Slam. Sniff. Sniff.

We made it! Oh my God, what is this world? Oh, it's hot in here. Wait, are you still in character? Oh no, oh no. I thought we went through the portal. Adam Scott doesn't exist anymore. Oh no! Hey, who are you people? Wait a minute, so are you going to take over Adam Scott's lifestyle? You've just switched places with a really famous Hollywood actor who is a bit of a poonhound from what I understand.

Do you mind switching places with him? Yeah, sure. That sounds good. Yeah? Okay. Sounds like you have a pretty sweet deal. Meanwhile, what was your life like back there? Oh, I hadn't quite figured that one out yet. Well, poor Adam. He was mostly waiting at a bus stop. That's all I really knew. Not seeing doctors. Number five.

All right. We have to take a break. That is Farts in Pro 3. It sure was. It was indeed. We have to take a break. When we come back, we will have your number four episode. And this is a great one. So come on back. We will be right back on the countdown.

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What are you waiting for? I ask you again. Head over to HostGator.com, buy some hosting, get some .nets while you're at it, and use the coupon code BANGBANG to get an extra 25% off and support this show. All right, Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here with Paul F. Tompkins. And, ooh, your new voice. I'm here. I'm ready to do it, Scott. You are stern. I am full of vim and vigor. And piss. And vinegar. And shit. I'm full of piss and shit.

Piss and vinegar? Blood and bile. The four humors. We're at number four on the countdown. That's right. Number four, that's right. And this is a very special episode. But before we get to that. Wait a minute. Before we get to that. What are you stalling? Why don't we do instead a bonus clip?

All right, let's hear this bonus clip before we get to number four. This was really good. This was suggested a lot. And this is from episode 240, which is an episode called Hashtag The World's End.

Now, this was a really fun episode. Let me give you a little bit of background. I haven't really talked about the background on this episode. You haven't? No, but Edgar Wright, who is a great film director. He's directed the Cornetto trilogy. You're talking Shaun of the Dead. You're talking Hot Fuzz. And you're talking The World's End. The World's End. Now, he also has directed Scott Pilgrim. Versus the World? Versus the World. Great movie. And he...

And his friends were in the sort of press cycle for The World's End. They were doing a lot of interviews. He requested to come on this show, which is amazing. He's a big comedy fan. A lot of people, they do the WTFs, they do the Nerdists, which are just simple interviews where they can just talk. And that's comfortable for a lot of stars. But this show is a little more challenging. Yes, because you go on WTF.

And you have the host is like, why should I care about you? Then you go on the Nerdist and the host is like, I care about you too much. Then you come here. I don't care. And the host isn't aware of what's happening at all or who the person is. Right. And so all he wants to do is wait for you to say the words of my wife. And then he'll just jump on that.

That is what this show is about. Right. So Edgar listens to the show. He watches the TV show. He gave me some really nice compliments about episodes that he had seen. He's a big comedy fan. He's a sweetheart. He's a great guy. He wanted to come on this. And not only did he want to come on with his stars, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg.

Two big stars, the likes of which we do not see a lot on this show. They don't need this shit. They don't need to come on this show. No, hell no. They shouldn't have. Not only did he want to bring them, he wanted to do it in the style of this show.

Meaning he wanted them to do characters. He didn't want it just to be an interview show. He wanted them to do characters. He was invoking the open door policy. Yes, of course. So he wanted it to be a lot like a normal episode of this show. Right. So this is a really funny bonus clip. This is where Simon Pegg and Nick Frost...

Sean Connery and Michael Caine. And by the way, also a little background, those guys, Edgar said he had cleared this with them. Those guys got there and it was news to them. Ha!

And they thought he was kidding when he had suggested it, but they were very game. I should say so. They slid right into it, and they had a thing where they said in the middle they were going to switch characters, which they do. So you'll hear that in the middle of it. So this is your bonus clip from Hashtag The World's End. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Clip. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Edgar Wright and looks like Simon and Nick took off, but hey, I'll talk to you about the film. So it must be great being a director, I guess, right? I mean, you know, you get to sit in that chair. I mean, they have a whole chair built just for your profession. I don't actually sit in my chair that much, actually. What? I, um, you know, I... Oh. Oh. Are they back or no? Excuse me. Is this where the podcast is happening? Oh my God! This...

I cannot believe this! Two giant stars just walked into this room! I was just outside with my friend Sean. Michael Caine? Good evening. I have just been to have an MRI on my shoulder.

Sean Connery and Michael Caine have just walked into this room. Edgar, can you believe this? I know. I mean, I've never met either of them. You're welcome. Now, let's just get some... Who are you? I'm the director of a new movie that's coming out today called The World's End. Never heard of it. Well done.

What's that about then? One of the, another one of your James Bonds is in it. Oh. Yeah. Can I be in one? Yeah. Do you want to sign my cast? Yes, I'd love to sign your cast, for sure. What, the entire cast?

why do yeah why do you have a cast i hurt my uh i'm playing golf oh you're a big golfer oh yes i'm off the little golf course is that what you do now it seems like you've retired from acting yes pretty much i just play golf yeah wow that's incredible thank you and michael i haven't seen you in any film that's non-batman related in a long time well you know you just sort of do what you can to keep the wolves from the door uh a lot of the time i just stay home with shakira

You are fucking Shakira right now? Yeah, she's my wife. I had no idea. I mean, you're a huge star. I don't know why it surprised me. Well, what happened was, a long time ago, I was leafing through a magazine, and I saw this really classy bird on page 57. I sought her out. Her name was Shakira. We got married. As your father. So wait, so you see her... As your father. He's dead. Oh, so sorry to hear that. Mine too.

Sorry, guys. So you see she carry, you don't even know what she does. You don't even know her name. I just saw her. She was advertising some kind of booze or a diamond ring or something. And I just called her up and she was like, hello, Michael. And we got it on. Wow. Amazing. And then married how many days later? It was that day. That day? Same day. You fucked her and then you married her the same day? No, we got married first. I'm not a pervert. Oh, okay. Is she the hips don't lie woman?

She was in The Man Who Would Be King with us in the end. Do you remember? She played Roxanne. That's right. That's a good film, isn't it? The Man Who Would Be King. That's the only film that you guys have ever starred in together. If I'm getting my movie trivia correct. That's right. But we've never spent a day apart since we shot it.

Really? So wait, you were there the entire time that Sean here filmed Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade? How was that? Every day. Every day? Why weren't you in the film? I couldn't be bothered, to be honest. I had stuff to do. It was mine. He's the one that came up with the line, Junior! Oh!

Oh! That's right, that was mine. What made you think of that line? I was thinking of mints. And I wanted, I fancied a chocolate covered mint and I shouted out for the mint. Junior! Junior! And Sean, quite rightly, said that's a good line for the film. Well, I just, I was leaving the trailer and I heard it and I said,

That's bloody great. What if you had said Twizzler? Twizzler? I know, it could have gone either way, couldn't it? It could have been amazing. Cinema history would have been changed. He was there on Jaws 4, The Revenge, all the time. Oh my goodness. Shouting, Michael, stop it for fuck's sake! Blame it on Rio?

Rio, yes. Yes, Rio. Dirty Robin Scoundrel. So you were there on set for Austin Powers' Goldmember? Oh, yes. Yes. Five days. That's all you did, really, Michael, was just five days. It was, but it was a very memorable performance. I thought the back of your head was really good. A lot of... That was played by some little fucker who I never got to meet. I wasn't happy with the casting, to be honest. Let's move on. Sorry.

Can I ask a question? Yeah, of course. Sir Michael. Sir Michael? Yes, Edgar. You are very famous for having a book about your guide to acting. And I saw on TV when I was a little kid, your kind of acting masterclass. That is right. Could you tell us about some of your rules of acting? There's one key to acting that I've always enjoyed. There we go. You know this, Sean. You're yourself. You've never spent a day apart. I would hope you would know this. I regret exponents.

of this particular method we both of us use it yes we do we don't blink we do something simply that just watch my performances you won't see me blink not once not even in batman not even when i'm upset perhaps because a young girl has been stabbed like in death trap yes

I have a question. How do you stop blinking in a swarm of killer bees in the swarm? That was particularly difficult. You had lenses. I had lenses in, anti-blink lenses, which stopped. It's like a small disc of perspex that hangs above the iris.

that Sean invented. Sean, you invented these? Yes, I did. So when you came up with this method, Sean, you said, well, there's got to be a technical way to do this. Well, I was making my own at home and I had a terrible infection.

My tear ducts. And so I contacted the company that made them for me. Oh. A lot of the time we inform on each other's films. It was my idea to use the little green balls full of virus in The Rock, wasn't it? Oh, yes. Oh, great idea. Yeah, I thought it was like a bath bomb, but would kill you.

Nobody escapes from The Rock except me, and I did it twice. That's why I wanted to improvise, but they wouldn't let me. I read that you came up with also the you're between The Rock and a hard case. That's right. That was part of the commercial advertising for the movie. I've done a little bit of advertising in my time. I was actually leafing through a magazine once, and I came across a beautiful bird. Have I told this story? I don't know. I'd love to hear it again if you have. I'm not as sharp as I used to be, but I bloody try!

So, are you guys ever going to star in another movie together? I mean, I would love to see... I don't know. I didn't know you guys were such great friends. They do want to make A Man Who Would Be King 2. Obviously, sequels are very important these days. Yes! Seems to be the only thing they're making. I just think it's a lot of furore about the royal baby. That's what they want us to do. Yeah. Are you going for the independence of Scotland? Sean, I haven't asked you about this. Oh, I don't care. I live here.

You live in Spain, don't you? Yeah, I live everywhere. We live in Spain. I've got houses everywhere. I'm a very wealthy man, thanks to James Bond. Can you say the famous line from James Bond? Yes, I can. I would love to hear it. Go fuck yourself, Blofeld. I love it. What an amazing performance. Oh, I love it. Incredible. Sir Sean, can I ask you your opinion of the James Bonds that came after you? Oh, yeah. I mean, it's a lot of...

Let's go through them, shall we? After you, there was the one, that guy that just did one. Can't remember his name. Lazenby. George Lazerbrain. Well, you know, I think... George Lazerbrain. I think George Lazerbrain. It was a very, very brief performance, you know. It's about two hours long. The only bond to wed. And look what happened. Yeah, that's true. And it was very sad. Did I tell you I met my wife?

No. I was leafing through this magazine a couple of years ago. I was on page 57 and there she was. Beautiful. Lovely bird. I called her up. She said yes. And that's it. We're still together. So she said yes to what? Will you marry me over the phone? No, she just pecked up the phone and went, yes. And you took that to mean... Do you not... Is that not what she meant? Have you kidnapped her? I might be a kidnapper.

Wow. So did they ever find out who would be king at the end of that first film? I don't know. I think. I've never seen it. Well, you were in it. Did you read the script? Yeah, I read my bits. Do you have like an earpiece like Marlon Brando used to have where people just say your lines to you and you repeat them? What? Okay. Hmm.

A lot of the time, we were just drinking and messing around with Christopher Plummer. Oh, Plummer. He's great. I love him. He's a lovely guy. He's back on top. Absolutely. I know Simon Pegg, the actor. Beautiful young man. Does an amazing performance in the world. He recently made a film with Christopher Plummer. He did? Which film is that? He's called Hector and the Search for Happiness, out next year. Oh, my gosh. I've got high hopes for this. He's a great young actor. Very promising. Can I ask you... Massive dick.

I mean, he's not personality-wise. Oh, just he has a large penis. Oh, great. That's impressive. Michael, do you do any impressions? Is it blue? Yes, I do. I do an impression of the actor Simon Pegg, funnily enough. Oh, really? I'd love to hear him. He took off. Hang on, hang on, hang on. I've got to get the face and the voice right. You've got red on you.

That's it. I can only say the one thing. Yeah, is that a famous line? I think it's from his film, Hot Fuzz. Oh, great. Well, that's fantastic. Actually, Sir Michael, I don't think... Are you guys okay? Sure, yeah. Just a slight coughing fit there. Swallowed a moth. Wait a minute. Is there an echo in here? Because all of a sudden... Sean, can I ask you a question? Of course you can.

So we've talked about Laser Brain. Yes. But there's Pierce Brosnan, who's in this film, The World's End. Aye. And he was a Bond. As far as I know, he did four or five of these things. Yeah, I think he did about 43 of the Bonds. No, he didn't. Did he not? No, he did four. Which is Pierce Brosnan? Is that the little... The Irish guy. He's the black one. Was he the black Bond? Yeah. That's right. Pierce Brosnan's not a white man's name, is it?

No, very Jamaican. I think it was timely, though. I think the franchise needed it by that time. I think we were bored of posh white boys. I am. Yeah. Aren't we all? Yeah. What did you think of Roger Moore, who replaced you after Diamonds Are Forever? I thought he basically took the corpse of the role I created and fucked it. My gosh, Sean! Throughout the entire 80s, just fucked it. Don't hold back. Tell us what you think. I think...

In many ways, he made a mockery of the character and irreparably damaged it until along came Dalton, who I did respect. Oh, yeah, yeah. And along came Polly, the movie with Jennifer Aniston, who hilariously plays the part of Polly, a difficult-to-know girl.

Michael, I had heard that you actually were up for the role in The Untouchables that Sean here got. Is that right? Well, you know, we don't really argue about things. What's good for the goose is good for the gander. Of course. That's what we say. Who plays the goose and who's the gander in your relationship? I play Richard Goose, a detective. And I play Dave Gander, who is another detective. A hard-knock cop with a grudge. I imagine the two detectives would get along really well because they have so much in common. Goose and gander. It's our new rated R.

It's our new film, isn't it? What's it rated R for? Rub jobs. Did you say rum jobs? Yeah, I said rim jobs. R for rim jobs. I thought you said rum jobs. Rum jobs. What is that exactly, a rum job? It's like when you lick around the rim of a bottle. I think it's when you get an hand job from Captain Morgan. LAUGHTER

Well, guys, I love your friendship. I love hearing about your lives. Thanks very much. It's been great to come in here. Why did you come in here? We are going to miss our tee-off time. We were just told to come in and sit down here. I thought it was a place for a prostate examination, to be honest. I was using your microwave to heat up some soup.

What kind of soup, Michael? Heinz cream of tomato. You can't get it here. I have to go down to Santa Monica. I understand. And get it in the pub. All right, well, your soup is getting cold. Yes, it is. Thank you guys so much for coming by. Thanks for having us. Yeah, why don't we take a break? Edgar, can you stick around? Maybe Simon and Nick will come back. Good luck with your film at World's End, young man. Oh, thank you. That's actually the name of Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Oh, fuck you. Clip.

Oh, very funny. When was it sprung on them that they were going to be doing this? In the break right before this segment. So not even when everyone was sitting down at the beginning. Fantastic. But they were like, oh, okay. And they did. They loved doing those characters, and it was a lot of fun hearing them on it, and I think that was really funny. All right. Let us get now to your number four episode. Oh, my God.

Number four. All right. This is number four. This is from – oh, man. I didn't write down the number of this one, but I can look it up right now. This is from the episode 245. 245. 245. It's a comedy. 245.

Two, four, five. What song is that? Come on, baby, make it. One, two, three, four, five. Seven times. What was that song? Gloria Estefan. And the Miami Sound Machine. Miami Sound Machine.

So, it is the Honorable Miami Sound Machine. It's really, that is a fine line. The Honorable Miami Sound Machine. You have dishonored the sound machine. You must commit harikari. Guys, that's fun to do and fun to listen to. It is. This is episode 245, and this is an episode called...

Polar Ice Caps. Oh, yes. Polar Ice Caps. Oh, yes. Now, you know from that title that it's got to star our good friend. Polar Bear. The Polar Bear. That's right. A polar bear came into the studio. That's right. Mauled us. That's right. Half to death. Drank a Coke. And then our blood. That's right. Coke first. Poured your blood into the empty Coke can.

No, Amy Poehler, of course, is our guest on this. Amy Poehler, let me say this about Amy Poehler. She's a sheer delight. She makes the interviews fun, I gotta say. She's not only hilarious herself, but she likes to laugh. She loves other people being hilarious. She loves to laugh, and she'll make any bit better. Yes! If you throw out in a question some sort of like,

Premise for a bit – or a lot of times when I'm interviewing people, I will do a ridiculous question in order for the person on the other side to pick up on a bit and then we do heavy bit saturation. HPF. HPF.

Sometimes people do not know that that is what is happening. And they say, that's not true. No, that didn't happen. No, he's nice. Amy picks up on it every single time. Runs with it, adds to it, is one of the best at it. She's the best in the biz. And this also has Neil Campbell, who we heard earlier in this episode. We heard his rap earlier in this episode. His first rap, his rap debut.

Little Setup. Amy, this is her- Wait, is that his rap name? Neil's rap name is Little Setup? Little Setup, yes. Good old Little Setup. That's not a bad rap name. It's not bad. So Amy, this is her third appearance on the show. She makes an annual pilgrimage to this studio when Parks and Recreation is on and is kind enough to drop by every single time. Loves it.

coming by. Now, in her previous appearances, we have done a freestyle rap battle in each of those times because I know she is good at it. She's great at it. I've seen her rap on SNL. Yes. She has a love for it. She is great at it. Yes. She, as a matter of fact...

We were calling her GOAT, greatest of all time. Paul Rudd did really, really well his time, too, as well, a few years back. He had a really good one, too. And admittedly, the other guys on that episode were terrible. David Wayne was not bad. Okay. Ken Marino refused to even do it. Right. Maybe that stands out in my mind more. Yeah, that's sticking out, I think. But...

So Amy, though, blew everyone away in her previous two appearances. Now, when I knew she was coming back, I asked Neil to be on the show because I wanted to see. Look at you. You're like the puppet master. That's right. I am. This is like some dangerous liaison. I'm just sticking my hand up all of your bottoms. Just making because you're puppets. Right. But you could be marrying it. I think of it as pulling the strings. No, no. I want to have my hand up your bottom.

But and make people talk that way. Yeah, exactly. Then you have to but you have to do so much work then. That's more fun, though, for me. Yeah. But, you know, here's the problem with the problem I have with that kind of puppeteering is that you're in the middle.

Yeah, you're a middleman. You have puppets on either side. But if you're the marionette guy, you're hanging over the side. So you want to be a hangover rather than a middleman? Because you can make him walk and stuff. You can make him do more stuff. I'm walking here. Hey, I'm walking here. I'm walking here. Oh, my God. We heard about Christopher Walken earlier. Actually, the last episode on The Murderer Heaven with Rob Corddry.

Oh, that's right. So, okay. So I wanted to see a head-to-head battle between these two. We also have in this episode, Alan Thicke makes his inaugural appearance on the show. The famous actor and theme songwriter. That's right. We heard him. He's, of course, he was on Growing Pains and the writer of the Different Strokes theme and Facts of Life theme. This is his first appearance. He then returned recently on the

Christmas episode and also was on a couple of the live episodes, most notably from Toronto with Sean Cullen. His home province. That is a really great episode. But this is his first time. So what we're going to hear here is first, we're going to hear Amy and Neil.

talk for a little bit and then we're going to do the clip from that heralded freestyle rap battle so here it is this is number four on your countdown number four you know her as number one on the call sheet on parks and recreation camera one maybe yep uh parks and recreation i'm nervous to talk before i'm introduced please don't know you are not yeah

You shall be punished for that outburst. Parks and Recreation comes on for its sixth season this Thursday, probably sometime in the 8 or 8.30 or 9 or 9.30. It doesn't matter. Okay. Just block out your evening. Yep. You know, cancel all plans. And her name is Amy Poehler. Welcome back to the show. Thank you for having me. Very, very excited to be here. Thank you, everyone. That was a good investment. Yeah.

Your applause machine is just like all these mechanical hands. It's actually huge. It's not a little box that has the sound of recorded applause. It actually is. It's as big as a refrigerator, and it's four mechanical hands. And it's not automatic. That's the other thing. I have to crank it every single time that we do this. And sometimes when you crank it, it's like it's conceded because it seems like you think you're going to get applause. Let me do it really slowly here.

I'm going to speed it up a little bit. Oh, no. Oh, no. It's out of control. That was me making the sound of an explosion, meaning I'm very excited. Welcome back to the show, Neil. Oh, shit.

Amy, let's talk about it. The Emmys were last night. This is coming out at midnight. Yeah. Probably just wrapping up. You just left the governor's ball. Mm-hmm. I'm just coming in for that. And I've got to tell you, there are so many new fashion trends this year at the Emmys. Oh, my gosh. What colors are in? What colors are out? Well, last year it was really about...

from what I read, clean skin, long legs, and just symmetrical faces. And this year, this year it was all about just dirty mouths, like,

Smudged mouth. Smudged mouth. Yeah. And crossed eyes. Yeah. And tongues akimbo. Tongues akimbo. And a lot of lying down, which we don't see a lot on the carpet. So people were just lying down and like pushed in on skateboards. Yeah. It was a lot of prone fashion this year. Just really beautiful poses on settees and stuff. I noticed a lot of the actresses, they...

weren't even dressed. They just went into shops and laid down and people threw garbage on them. Yeah. The new thing is to just act like you're a bed at a party and everybody just throws their coat on you. Of course. And their keys. Some of their car keys get lost on you. Cell phones. It was just so, there was so many cool things about the Emmys this year. Like, I just thought it was great how everybody won. Everyone who had been nominated won. Yeah, that's great. That was fun. And I loved the in-memoriam.

Oh, the In the Horns. That's my favorite one. Some big ones this year. Some big names. Big names this year. Oh, man. The entire cast of Gunsmoke. Everyone. Everyone from Law & Order. SVU. I mean. Crazy. Crazy. I mean. That's an insane accident. I blame Ice Team. And it wasn't. They weren't together. That's what's weird. No.

It was like a Rube Goldberg kind of machine. It bounced all around. All at home. It was insane. I mean, actually, scientists will be studying it for years because they all died from that terrible black blood coughing disease, which is so weird to transfer. And how do you feel about your category and what happened in it?

Thanks for asking. I feel okay, question mark. Yeah. You know, I feel like some of the things that I said were a little misconstrued. And I feel like...

Maybe things shouldn't have gotten so physical. Yeah, now I know. That was weird, what happened between all the nominees. Just that orgy that broke out. Yeah. Because I like my sex to be very mental with no touching. Well, as George Michael once put it, sex is best when it's one-on-one. And he was a gentleman that I truly believed was straight. So did I, until I saw him personally. I saw him personally in 1994 at a party in...

And I truly believed he was straight. And I saw him in person. I went, oh, he's gay. It was just like a light went off in my head. Truly believed. Yeah, it was fantastic. Remember that period of the 80s and early 90s when every song that was about sex had to have some sort of context?

condom reference or just do it with one person. TLC, you know, Lisa left, I had to have a condom on her glasses. Right. And then LL Cool J and doing it, doing it, doing it right had to be like, are you my lover? You wear a rubber? Who cares? Well, because we grew up in the time of, we all thought we were going to die of AIDS. And it might happen still. Yeah. And it was like that. And it was a whole idea of like,

That was sexy. It was like, I'm going to take care of you. Bye. Bye. Not transmitting gross disease into you.

about the kids these days, though. Do they use condoms? I don't know. Your audience should let us know. Yeah, call in if you can right now. We'd love to take some calls. This is Loveline, right? Yeah, it is, of course. What types of condoms are you wearing? What sizes? And Amy, we have to, and Neil, back me up on this, we have to talk about Parks and Recreation this year. We have to. I have to back him up here. Thanks, Neil. You're welcome. Season 6, uh,

You have a lot of changes going on. It's tumultuous at this point. That's right. Some ups, some downs. Things are sideways. Always. You have Rashida and Rob leaving after 13 episodes. Are you going to go with them?

I'm going to, well, I'm chaining Rashida to her bed like misery and I'm not going to allow her to leave. And Rob, I've already written off. Yeah, he's fine. I can barely speak to him anymore. I think you should just go with him. Just be like, you know what? See you later, Parks and Rec. Vroom, vroom, car keys screech.

Pull into the left lane. Yeah. Apply the brake. I think I had pitched that Jerry... A little bit slower. Jerry comes in and just... Pull over to the right. ...shoots them like those characters from Lost. Really? Oh, yeah. Just kills them. Wait, which characters from Lost? Remember this... Claudio and... Yeah, the...

And just buries them alive? No, well, I've only watched a few episodes. I have seasons of Lost. Oh, okay, you've only seen the last two episodes? The only two. I've only seen the first and last episode of Lost. It's very cyclical. It's like, oh, it makes perfect sense. Begins and ends on the high. Yep. Michelle Rodriguez. Remember Michelle Rodriguez? Rodriguez! Walt's dad shot them all, right? Oh, yeah. That's right. Spoiler alert! Yeah, sorry. Yep. How long is it before it's not a spoiler alert? Until death.

As Brett Garrett once said. Do you think he ever actually said that? I don't know. I hope he did. He must have said the title of his show. I hope he said it, someone laughed, and someone said, that's a show. At his wedding. Garrett, you've done it again. Hey, that's a show! He went, yeah, you know what? You're right.

It's weird that he doesn't talk like that in real life, isn't it? No, he does now for me forever in my head.

So Parks and Rec, you have Adam Scott. You got married on the show last year. That's right. Is this the season-long arc of the divorce? That's right. It's going to be the slow and painful divorce. Just a lot of us misunderstanding each other, and then one of us is going to have an emotional affair. Because you guys got married too soon, in my opinion. I prefer a longer courtship. We're going to argue about money. One of us is going to let ourselves go.

So which one? Because you look great. Thank you. Is it Adam, really? It is Adam. He gains 40 pounds this season, I heard. Yeah. His character gains it all on his ass. Mm-hmm. And it's, yeah. No, this season, Leslie Knope, the character that I play, is going to have to fight to keep her job. She might get kicked out. Oh. I hope she gets kicked out. Oh, no.

Do you? Yeah, I kind of hope she does too. It might be fun. So they might kick her out because she's done a lot of stuff and people don't like change. Okay, so on the season premiere... Thank you for saying it right. You're welcome. This Thursday, what can we expect from Parks and Rec this Thursday?

Tell us the plot of this episode. I have no idea. With act breaks, if you could. Okay, so we open on a dusty field. What is the aspect ratio at this point? Oh, we're in 1215, but what's so beautiful about shooting on these new reds is you can download instantly. So the whole thing is like upload

upload it immediately. Oh, yeah, and just get it right to the editors. Your download upload switch is just X5, so you can X4 the whole time. Fantastic. And then you just switch into Dolby Digital and suddenly you're analog dependent, which is better for synchronizing your...

Residual stuff. Okay. So you get your residuals faster. Immediately, really. The minute that you shoot a scene, you get residuals from it? That's nice. And we're using an alien cam this year, which is just a camera that you point at people to see if they're aliens. Much like the glasses in They Live? That's right. John Carpenter's They Live. Use that next-gen technology. Roddy Piper, I believe. You don't have to believe it. Take it on faith.

Um, it's like, uh, you know, it's like, take it on faith. You got to take it on faith, the faith, the faith. You got to take it on the cast of they live. Take it on faith. Do you guys remember the freedom video George Michael did in all those, um,

Freedom 90? Supermodels in the bathtub and Cindy in the bathtub. Yeah. What do you think? I loved it. Yeah. I loved it. Did you have aspirations of being a supermodel? I did. Yeah. But I got hurt early. I hurt my –

vagina bone and so I couldn't fuck as many guys as you needed to. I couldn't fuck like slimy model agents. I pulled my vagina bone. I bruised it. In a horse accident. A horse's dick? A horse's dick. Oh no.

And so I was out of modeling for a while. For a while. And then I'm back in. Getting back into it now with that Emmy situation. I'm going to be, I'm really interested in doing like the over 40, like kind of gray haired, like twinkly eyed yogurt stuff. Just letting your roots grow out. Just barefoot and a real nice pedicure. Yeah.

Well, guys, a lot of you listening, probably when you heard what the lineup is here, you guessed what was going to happen. Okay? It is time for our freestyle rap battle. Oh, no. Oh!

I'm intimidated to do this next to Mr. Thicke. A little backstory. Well, this is new for me. Don't be intimidated by Mr. Thicke. You've got to be intimidated by Neal Campbell, who recently, about a month or two ago... For the premiere of the show. ...laid down what many consider to be GOAT. You were GOAT at one time of the Freestyle Rap Battle. Neal laid down maybe the greatest verse...

of all time here on the show. So I want to have just a head-to-head battle. We'll get involved, of course. Certainly. I'm up for new things. I mean, I'm no Usher Raymond, but I'll certainly give it a try. Engineer Cody, I'm going to need... Now, you froze last time I asked you for one word. And it took a really long time for you to come up with even one. And all you did was looked at something in the corner and said that. Oh, fuck!

Clear your mind. As they say, don't think, right? Just come up with one word. What do we got, Engineer Cody? Don't look in the corner at what's over there. They also say don't look. Don't think and don't look. Don't speak. Don't breathe. Yeah, don't breathe. Engineer, what do we have? Butter. Butter. Butter. Very good. All right. So I kind of want to save...

These two for the end. So, Alan, what do you say you start us off here? Oh, really? Or it could be me. You don't want to warm it up? I'll warm it up. My name is Rappin' Scott, and I'm here to say it's fun to rap in a butter wig. Creamy, creamy, creamy. Dreamy, dreamy, dreamy. Spread it on my toast. Yeah, I love it the most because I like to get fat by eating toast every day. That's where it's at.

I think that when I spread it, that is where I like to put it on my bread-it. Yeah, I went on Reddit and talked about bread-it. But you know what? I like peanut butter without nuts because I like looking at butts.

Pretty good, right? Very good. I mean, I'm traditionally the worst at it. Very good. All right, Alan, what do we got? Butter. There's a pain that's growing in your arteries. And guess what, guy? It's because of me. I'm butter. I'm going to kill you too soon. You eat too much. You eat it with a spoon. Why don't you slow down? Eat a carrot for God's sake.

Sort of a... Is that part of it? You yell exclamations? Yes, of course. Yeah, advice. Am I supposed to swear? Oh, yeah, please do. Abe, go to hell, you. How do you... You're big and round. Gonna take you to the pound where they take stray dogs. Ha ha ha ha!

You know, this is very difficult because... It is very difficult. You know, the chord structures, the rhyme scheme, everything is unpredictable. Oh, of course. You know, I like things that are very predictable. Yeah, of course. Yeah, if you were to sing a song about butter, one of your theme songs, how would it come out? Well, I don't know if I could do that with this backing track at the same time. Well, I say give it a try. All right. All right.

There you go, looking for something to spread on your toast. This is very difficult. It's taking me, I feel like it's taking me to a dark emotional place. Oh, no. That sounded very ominous, and it made me afraid of breakfast. Yeah, well, this is a minor key. It is a minor key. Yeah, yeah, and you're usually not afraid of breakfast. No, I'm not.

Does it have any effect on you at all? No, I'll wake up, remember that I'm alive, start singing in my head the Facts of Life theme song, go down, make myself some breakfast. And then you'll look at it and not be afraid of it. That's right. I'll have a bowl of sugary cereal, a glass of juice, two slices of toast and butter.

Large glass of milk. Okay. And two Pop-Tarts. It's everything that you see on the television commercials. Okay, great. All right, well, great verse. Should I give it another try? Sure, why not? Well, I don't want to hog anyone's time. No, we have a ton of time. Oh, is that so? Time to burn. Yes, of course. It's not like when we were doing pains. And here we go.

Jam, fuck you. You'll never beat butter. Why don't you come out of a cow's udder? That's what I do. I'm butter. And I'll call comers and come all takers. Oh, I can't. I'm sorry. I just... Hey, it's not bad for an old man. That's very good. Very difficult. You're no Robin Thicke. No, that's true. Or Pharrell. That's true. Who? Okay.

All right, let's go over to Amy. I honestly have a stomachache. What? I honestly feel... You're the best at this. No, I'm not. I'm with the best. Yeah, that's true. I'm with the best. All right, here we go. I feel like I'm going to throw up. Okay. You've had a lot of time to stew on this one. But that's almost worse, right? To have time... Do you want a different suggestion? I feel as if I did, but how come she gets a different suggestion?

If you want, Cody can come up with something different. I feel as if Cody had a pad of butter in his pocket and he was like the hobbit. He was reaching into his hand trying to come up with a stall tactic. The suggestion is butter. Wait, are you doing a Maya Angelou poem? I'm just finding my beat here. Getting my...

Clearing my space, getting into my rap battle pose. Here we go. 2013. Paula Deen's a motherfucking racist. Makes food and says, let's taste this. Dropping N-bombs all over America. She's got a problem.

Like America Bank, which doesn't have any more money. No more money. Isn't that funny? You can't get your cash. You can't buy a car. You can't go to Spain. You can't travel far because you're broke. You're broke. You're broke. I spoke. I spoke words of wisdom and that's no joke. Butter and jam. Butter pecan. Butter is off. Butter is on. Butter be good. Butter be bad.

But I'll be the best motherfucking thing you've had. And now I'm going on a diet. I think you should try it. I'm not going to lie. It's hard to eat.

Healthy in America. Cause poor people can't afford real food. Real food. I'm in the mood. So Paula Deen, queen of me. It's not my zine to be so rude. And butter, and butter, and butter, and butter, and butter. I fuck a butter face. Yeah!

Crank up the machine. That was incredible. Shots fired. What I also enjoyed about that was that it had the social commentary that is common to hip-hop rap music. And I like that the Queen of Mean is no longer Lisa Lampanelli. It's now Paula Deen. Who inherited the mantle from Leona Helmsley, of course. Of course, yeah. All right, Neil Campbell, here we go. Butter! Butter!

Oh, hold on. I'm coming up with it. Here we go. Is that part of it? Comedy Bang Bang 2013. They say butter comes from milk.

But I'm not of that ilk. I think Butter is a movie, and I think that it stars Rob Corddry. Milk. Hey, that's a movie, too. It's got Sean Penn. What you gonna do? You can rent that one with I Am Sam and watch him all night. Yeah, that's my plan. If you go on a date with me, it's a double feature with those two movies. Then you'll see me make some butter, too. I'll make it in my pants, then I'll put it on you. Oh!

I'm sorry, that's not what I meant. It may have sounded sexual, but it ain't. It was just about making popcorn. I make it in my pants because they are extra worn. Now they got too much room and I put a churn in there and a loom. A loom like Arachne used when she pissed off Athena all those years ago. In grease, grease in my pants, grease on my face when I learned how to dance. I did that

On Broadway. In the musical that I played in all these years ago. I don't know where I'm going with this song, but I remember we were talking about milk. Milk and butter and milk.

San Francisco's where it took place. James Franco was there with his face. It's so pretty, I hope it don't get roasted. But I think Rogan is gonna do it and it'll be toasted. That's what I put my butter on. Toasty butter and I like to keep it warm. Well, that's it. I'll say goodbye. Thanks everybody for here and here. Bye-bye.

Preach. Preach. Wow, that was good. Tremendous. That was so good. There were so many topics. Yeah, really. Too many, some might say. Decidedly less about picking up young boys by the pool than last time. Yeah, I decided to try to avoid that topic this time. Some great raps, everybody. Oh, good raps. Really good raps. Good stuff, guys. I think, yeah, I think Neil's still the GOAT. I think you guys are tied at this point. Okay. You know, like, I can't come up with a winner. I think we're looking at the two co-champions. Number four.

Oh, good stuff, huh? The debate still rages on who won that battle. Who won? I can't even say. I mean, you know, Alan Thicke called them Coke champions, you know? That's good enough for me. You know, Alan Thicke should be the one to decide that, I think, of any way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He decided when the president will start Christmas season. He decided upon the issue of hearts beating to one drum.

Didn't he? It's true. Well, that's more science. That's true. Like the world doesn't move to the beat of just one drum. Oh, is that what that is? Yeah. The world moving to the... Oh, I was reaching for that. And the stars. Almost had it. And you didn't get it. I didn't get either. That is a somber note to end this episode on.

But oh well, that's the show. What a sad thing Casey Kasem exhorted people to do. Keep your feet on the ground, but keep reaching for the stars. That's right. You'll never get... If you keep your feet on the ground... You'll never get there. You'll never get there. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense, Casey. Come on. Champagne, wishes, and caviar dreams. I like that. Maybe he should come on the show. All references.

I feel like Dana Carvey sealed that tomb. Maybe. All right. Speaking of sealing the tomb, let's seal the tomb on this episode. This has been part three. We just have one episode left. What is your top three? The mind reels at what the top three episodes could be. You're not asking me. No, I know what they are. Because you're looking at me. This is hype. Yeah. Well, I like to look at you. That's so wrong. Thank you. I love to watch you leave.

All right. That's it for this one. Get the fuck out of here. See you next time. We'll see you next time on part four. Bye. Now that the show's over, make sure to head over to HostGator.com to find out more information about today's sponsor. When you're ready for checkout, use the coupon code BANGBANG to get an extra 25% off. Thanks to HostGator for sponsoring this episode, and thank you, my dearest friends, for listening in. Here we go.

This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com. The wolf dead.

Thank you.

Catch conversations between the wokest man in the world and comedians like Reza Lacheya. Also, hear upcoming pilots, the Florida cast. Wow, you're Native American too? This Week in Sports and Carl Alarm all throughout the month. Let us know what you think of them with hashtag Earwolf Presents. Subscribe to Earwolf Presents to hear more great episodes from around the network and behind the paywall, like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business with Derek Contrera or Act 1 of Matt Besser's punk musical Stolen Idea.

Just search for Earwolf Presents in your podcast app and subscribe so you don't miss an update. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So what are your non-negotiables during a day? Me?

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This podcast is supported by FX's English Teacher, a new comedy from executive producers of What We Do in the Shadows and Baskets. English Teacher follows Evan, a teacher in Austin, Texas, who learns if it's really possible to be your full self at your job, while often finding himself at the intersection of the personal, professional, and political aspects of working at a high school. FX's English Teacher premieres September 2nd on FX. Stream on Hulu.

Bye.

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