Best of 2013 Pt 2
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best of 2013. This is numbers 11 through 7 that you have voted for. This is the best of Comedy Bang Bang. I have special guest Paul F. Tompkins. We'll be counting them down. All of that and more all on today's Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang.

Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Yes. Part two. Yes. Part two. Part two. I want to take you to part two. Undo. Undo. Do you know that song? Big Audio Dynamite? I don't. That is the bottom line on Comedy Bang Bang.

I don't know any of the French words, otherwise I would have pronounced them perfectly. If I knew them, I would have said them. Be my guest. Be my guest. Put off. Yes.

Guys, welcome to the best of part two. I am here with our very special guest, Paul F. Tompkins. What's up, you guys? I love you. If this is the first time you're listening to the show, you know what? Go back, listen to part one. Fuck yourself, and then go to hell. Okay, listen to part one, then go fuck yourself, then go to hell. Here's what I want you to do.

Go hang yourself. Go fuck yourself. Go to hell. You think that they should go fuck themselves after they hang themselves? Yeah. I don't know if that would be possible. Insult meet injury. I don't know. Guys, we're counting them down. This is your top 15 along with special clips of a variety that are extra. In additional nature. Yes.

I don't want to say it every time. But my guest here is Paul F. Tompkins. I'm here. And we're counting him down. And Paul is a great friend of the show, even though he refuses to come on it. Well, you know I wish – I'm a huge fan of the show. I wish I could be here more. Mm-hmm.

But I'm glad that things kind of wind down towards the end of the year, and this is how it works out. This is the only time I get to see you as well. I see you once a year. And this is how I see you. And I pulled up a big bust. Oh, my God. Hello. We're having fun. Do you think Lionel Richie...

Was excited or was he disappointed when he saw that thing? No, he was really disappointed. Right? I would love to hear – you know the pop-up video about that? I would love to just hear – they didn't talk about it. I would love to hear just his crestfallen face when he saw what someone had created for him. Like this is supposed to be a beautiful representation of what you look like. And I like to think that like the props department, somebody said –

Well, keep in mind, she's supposed to be blind. Right. So she's just done this from just feeling your face. So if you look at it that way, then it's kind of very flattering. I would love it if the head of the property department was like, I imagine you as a cross between a monster and a lion. Here. They told me you're a monster lion. Are you not? What are you? Oh, you're a human being who's a singer?

I've been doing property department stuff for 55 years. Why is it? This is my question. Why is it anytime anyone does a crew guy voice or someone like below the line, they do that voice like it's an uncultured person? To be fair.

They're all, I think because it's like a teamster thing. Yeah. There's a lot of guys that do sound like that. Not as much here. No one on my show talks like that. The property department in my show, Katie Byron, she's great. She's like, hey, how's it going? Hey, it's me, Katie. Go fuck yourself. Go fuck yourself. Hey, did you see them Mets last night? I'm Katie. I'm a young lady.

Hello, Katie. Saw you last night, as a matter of fact. Do you know I love the name Katie? That's a great name. That's one of my favorite names. Really? Do you have something to announce? I want you to call me that. Okay. I want to hear it more often. Let me ask you this. You don't have to say what it is. Do you have a pet name for your wife that you call her? My what? Your wife. Do you have a pet name for Coolop? Yeah, I can say I call her Coopy a lot. What?

Oh, do you mean like in a loving nature? No, no, no. Well, just like a thing that you typically call her because it's every once in a while –

Janie, my wife, and I will have to say our names to each other. Right. And it's almost as if you're like, I haven't heard that coming out of your mouth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if I hear her say Paul, it's very strange. Yeah, well, especially Kulap is like, Scott! She's got that horrifying Minnesota accent. She really needs to go to finishing school.

We are counting down your top episodes of the year. I know I am. And in this particular Best Of Part 2, we are going to hear episodes 11 through 7. That seems impossible. How are we going to do it? So we'll have 7, 8, 9, 10, 11. We'll hear five episodes plus a few bonus clips as well. So this is going to be exciting. I'm excited right now. All right. I'm so excited. Now, I don't know.

You're hiding it, though. I know. I can hide it. You're so excited, but you just can hide it. Yeah, I can. Control-wise, how are you feeling? Control! Oh, wait. That's Janet Jackson. Oh, I'm about to lose it! How do you feel about that, though?

I think I like it. You think you like it or you know you like it? I know I like it. Ah, microphone! Were you going to ask me something before we got off on that tangent? Oh, yeah. I was going to say, I was going to make a statement. I wish more people were like robots, by the way, and they said... Statement. Yes. How did that... By the way, who started that? Who's the science fiction writer that started that trope? I don't know. How would that be...

At all convenient and futuristic. It's so good. If there was an artificial intelligence who had to tell you what type of sentence. Query. Query.

Because I guess the idea is, oh, because robot wouldn't be able to modulate its voice. So it would have to, like in Spanish when they put the punctuation upside down at the beginning of the sentence. Just to, yeah, give you the tip off. So you don't get whiplash by the end of it. Like, whoa, that turned into a question. The Spaniards are kind of, they're smarter than us in that respect. Spaniards, si.

But they are in that respect. Like, why don't we put punctuation at the beginning? I put the punctuation at the front of the sentence. El Chupacabra. Katie? El Chupacabra. I.

Okay, you were going to say... By the way, you had a statement. I don't have any prior knowledge of where any of these episodes are in the countdown. And I feel like last year, I had a bit more knowledge. Yes, this year you have not been checking in. No. You have not even gotten out the vote. I haven't campaigned. You haven't campaigned at all. I was going to, and then I looked. I think I reblogged.

the Earwolf Tumblr when they posted it, but I looked at how many episodes that I was credited in and I was shocked. It was a lot. Shock and awe.

I was also odd. I was shocked and I went, aww. The listeners are awed by your talent, Paul. And speaking of talent, let's get to our first clip that has talented people in it. Not you. And this is our number 11 clip. Number one, one. All right, this is number 11. This is episode 241. This is an episode called The Stallone Brothers. The Stallone Brothers. Yes.

This was insane. This was really crazy. This was Nick Kroll and Paul Scheer, both from the league. You know Nick from Kroll Show. You also know Paul Scheer from NTSF SDSUV.

And they are good friends. They wanted to do this show together. We didn't plan anything. And a lot of people wonder, is any of this planned? No. As a matter of fact, we were like, what are we going to do? And we said, I don't know. We'll figure it out. That was all we talked about. So...

This just happened in the middle, and this is a good chunk of this episode. I think you're going to enjoy it. This is most of the episode. No, it's not. Oh, I mean, not the clip. Oh, yeah. But I mean, the episode itself. This happens most of the episode. This is just a nine-minute chunk of it. But I think you're going to enjoy this. This is from episode 241, The Stallone Brothers. This is your number 11. Number one, one. Wait, he's here. Hey.

Hey, Mr. Stallone. Sly Stallone, hey. Hey. Nice to meet you. And Frank. Hey, Frank Stallone's here, too. Yeah. I'm Frank Stallone. Oh, my God. This is such an honor. Yeah. Can I ask you guys questions? Sure. I've had so many on my mind. The first thing I've always wanted to ask you, Sly, I mean, I never thought I'd be in the same room with you, but what's the deal with that tape of you getting a blowjob in your trailer? Whoa, hey.

You don't got to answer it, Rocky. I don't got to answer it. I mean, fly. Wait, you confuse him with his character, Rocky? Sometimes. You grew up with him. Yeah. My brother Frankie's a special kid. He got knocked in the head. He's never been right. I still got my singing career. Oh, that's right. I'd love to hear your song from Stayin' Alive. Oh, baby, do you know what that is? It's time for sex.

That is a great song. One of my favorites. It just gets right to the point. What's weird about that song... What's weird about that song is it's no longer than that. It just is that, and it's rocketed to the top of the charts. We were the Twitter of songs before even Twitter existed. Only 19 seconds, but it just gets in, gets out, does what it needs to do. You tell them, Rams. Rams? Rams. Rams. Oh, I thought you said Gramps. My brother knocked him in the head one too many times when we were little kids tonight. Yeah.

I got a dent in my head. I got a dent in my head from when Sly hit me in the head so hard. I can't remember. I can't remember anything. I call hamburgers houses. Houses? I call hamburgers houses. Well, they're not. They're clearly not. I know, but I got hit in the head. I can't remember. What do you call houses? I call houses hot dogs. Then what do you call hot dogs? That's the thing.

I call hot dogs Marvin's. Oh, boy. It's all jumbled up there in a world scramble. What did you call Marvin Hamlisch? Oh, I call him hot dog Hamlisch. Wait. You can't. I know. It's crazy. My head is so messy. That's disrespectful to an Oscar winner. All right. You got it. You got it there, Oscar.

Don't call him Oscar. He's Oscar from the movie Oscar. What do you call Oscars? Well, I just got him confused. I call Oscar Oscar. Oh, okay. So you're straight on that. That side of the brain is fine. Oh, wait. The side that knows what Academy Awards are? No. Oh, I thought you meant Oscars like names. Oh, so what do you call Oscars like awards? Oh, I call it Oscar my hot dog. Oh, Oscar my hot dog. Oh, that's a conundrum. Yeah. Because you know what an Oscar the name is. I call my key a vaginas.

Ikea Vaginas. It's the best. That's what I mean when they put him in. You're more fucked up than Sly here. I got hit in the head real bad. It really hurt. His head is all dented up. You get a plastic pitcher of water and you drop it and it still has a little dent in it. It still holds the water. You pour water in my mouth.

in my mouth and it comes out the back of my head. Oh, God. I'm like a skeleton. It's good for the kids. It's sort of like trepanation, you know, where you drill a hole in your head. Yeah, yeah, like getting a maple syrup, but the only thing that comes out of me is brains. Are you getting a lot of oxygen in there, though? Is it euphoric? Too much. Hey, doctor says too much oxygen.

I've always wondered, would you guys ever do a remake of Demolition Man where Sly, you play the Wesley part and Frank, you play the Sly part? Oh my gosh, I would love it. Yeah, we're talking to some people. I'm John Spartan. I'm John Spartan. Kid knows every piss you ever made. I love him. I love it. I go see him all. Ask him anything. The kids are genius. I love him. What about Judge Dredd? Would you do Judge Dredd where you're the Rob Schneider role, Sly, and you, Frank, are the Sly role? Oh my God, I would love it. We're talking to people about it. Yeah, I agree.

I'm the law. I'm the law. I know this Persian. Would you do a remake of? We got this Persian guy. He's really into the whole thing. This Persian guy wants to give us a lot of money. Wow. Would you do a remake of? He owns four shops at the Glendale Mall out here. I know it's a local reference, but it's true. It's true. He owns four different shops. You guys must.

Would you guys do a remake of the recent Judge Dredd, but just do it with Rob Schneider and you? Yeah, totally. Wait, you're talking to some people about that?

I know this Macedonian guy. A Macedonian guy? This guy, Macedonian guy, when he rents out a hotel, he gets four rooms. Four rooms for all of his mistresses. He keeps his shoes in one. Just regular-sized rooms, though? They're regular-sized. They're small rooms. They're not four-stage. Sometimes they're just like twin beds in there. I tell these guys, get a suite. Go get a suite. Yeah, yeah. I didn't get it, though.

And I'm like, oh, boy. Yeah. But we're going to talk to a lot of... This kid is a genius. I got a lot of songs. I got a lot of stuff coming up. I'd love to hear another one of your songs. You want to name one, and I'll tell you? Oh, yeah. I'd love to hear the theme from Under the Top. Oh, okay. Got it. The sequel to Over the Top. Got it. Here you go. Two, three, four. He's going to not arm wrestle. He's going under the table to eat some gum.

And that's it? And that's all you need? Oh, I love it. It's all about the competitive gum-eating world. You got to go find the best tables and pull out the best gum. Go under the top. Under the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like the big top. The big top. Oh! Yeah, it's like that one that passed through... Washington. And they left all the lion tamers there. Yeah, all the lion tamers moved to Chevy Chase. Sly, you ever wrestle a lion? Yeah, we're talking to some people.

So it's in the future you're going to be doing this. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he did it. He's going to start with four lions. In the 80s, you know, me and Arnold. Oh, Arnold, right? Yeah, we'd go out. Arnold. Get a bunch of lions and fuck them. What? What?

They used to fuck those lions just out and about. They were both married and they just fuck them. I guess it's not cheating. Hey, Eaton's not cheating either. Also, Eaton ain't cheetah. Oh, Eaton ain't cheetah. I ate out of a cheetah one time. I caught up, but I was training real hard for Rocky II and that was my training. I'd run out there and cheat. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

That was your reward for catching the cheetah? Was he eating out its vagina? Hey, hey, hey. When you ate out that cheetah, did you do it in the bush?

Shut the fuck up, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Now he knows my name. I got confused. Maybe I need to whack him back in the head. Hey, don't whack me, Copland. That was horrifying. I saw some brain spill out the back. I gotta eat it.

Oh, wait, you're eating your own brain? I gotta get it back in. I gotta get it back in. Frankie, come on, Frankie. I gotta eat that. Oh, God. Oh, it's on the corner of your mouth. Oh, God. Fuck it all up. Hey, you should have that couple facts in here. What? That'll put on that...

Elephant, we're talking about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A guy producing. Oh, effects. Oh, okay. I thought you said something different. No, I said what you think. Wait, that's what you call sound effects? No, those guys that was in here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, those guys. The guys from the league on the new show, FFX. Oh, those guys, yeah. FFX shows, I love it. Couple fucking.

Yeah, they're gay. They're gay guys. I don't know what you call them now, gay guys. Never for me. You know what I mean? Not for me. Well, guys, gosh, I hate to pass up. I hate to take time off the table to talk to two stars like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I have to take a break. You know, okay, let me tell you. You know, you've seen Frankie Stallone on the bar? Because I swear to God this is true. He wears a hat that says Frank Stallone on it.

I got a shirt that matches. Hands say Frank Sloan. Shirt says Frank Sloan. Pants say Marvin Hot Dogs. Oh, wait. Because you wanted your pants to say Marvin Hamlisch? Yeah. I thought, okay, well. Whoa. Ow. That's a real gun. Slide just shot Frank. Yeah. Please put your guns away. I'm bleeding. I don't feel good. It's okay, Frank. Walk it off, kiddo. Number one. One.

Good stuff. Good stuff. Good stuff. Good stuff. Good stuff. I am summoning that clip over to the couch. I still can't do Carson. Why can't I do it? I, by the way, around the Comedy Bang Bang TV show office, if anyone ever says any statement of like trivia or anything, I will always say, I did not know that. It's gotten to the point where they ask me if I know things beforehand.

I did not know that. Wait, because they want you to say it? Yeah, they want me to say it. How many times a day does this happen? For a while, it was happening a lot. And a laugh every time. They're great people. Wow, they really are. It's a sweet crew. Yeah, it's a sweet crew. It's a nice group of folks. Sweet cream crew. Speaking of nice folks, right before we take a break, we do have time for a very special bonus.

I'm a little bit scared

And you'll hear a couple of the birthday boys in this, I think, but mainly it's Bob. Does he say his signature catchphrase? He says it in the episode, not in this clip. Okay. But if you want to hear someone scream, God damn it, I believe he says it in this episode. Download the whole episode, guys. It's worth it. But this is a part of the episode where he literally, one week earlier, the Breaking Bad finale had occurred. Now, don't worry about...

If you have not seen Breaking Bad, you can listen to this clip. I believe I got one or two angry tweets about, hey, why are you spoiling Breaking Bad for us? They turned it off the minute we said Breaking Bad spoilers. This is not a spoiler. This is a comedy piece. Yes. Every quote.

quote unquote spoiler that is in that is absolutely absolutely fake. So don't just fake, but clearly not true. But we had a lot of fun riffing on this. And this is just a fun little moment that I want to include. This is from episode 249. This is Bob Odenkirk with his Breaking Bad finale spoilers. B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-

Bob, let's talk briefly about Breaking Bad. It just ended last week. And no spoilers for, don't worry for anyone who hasn't watched the entire series yet. But how does it end? Oh, so, but everybody's already seen it. No spoilers. Yeah, everyone's seen it. No spoilers. But like, what's the final image?

Well, he's on the beach in Bermuda. Right. Right. He's got the sunglasses on. Well, he doesn't have them on. He has them on his forehead. Oh, like shade tip style? You know, that last moment is so classic Vince Gilligan. The guy shows up with the daiquiri and Walter White leans back and...

And flips the sunglasses down, and you see that Bermuda sun reflecting in the sunglasses. I could get used to this. And he says, I could get used to this. Yeah, fantastic. A lot of people, and in the press since the final episode, people haven't been making the connection that Walter White ends up on a beach on an island. Vince Gilligan, Gilligan's Island. Yeah, they haven't made that connection yet. But you did, and you see it. I mean, really perceptive viewers see it.

You know, when he's on the island, he buys that island with his meth money. Sure. And it already has that huge hotel. Because he shot all of the, we'll call them the antagonists. Right. They all die. Yeah. The DEA essentially give up. They give up. They say, you know what? You're the best at this. They write him that letter. He gets that letter. We are so sorry we bothered you at all.

Here's your money back. Here's some of the things we accrued from pursuing you.

Please forgive us. Best of luck in the future. Right. The DEA. He goes to that island. He's like, that last half of the last episode where he's trying to find an island to buy. Yeah. And it's just about real estate. And that great argument that he has with his wife, who they're now back together, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, I don't want an island with a hotel on it. Don't you know me? I want a deserted island. And he's like...

Can't we just get along and find the perfect island? And they pick that island, right? Which has a beautiful Four Seasons Hotel. And he goes, perfect. Walter White is so smart, right? I'm going to run this island. He...

Buys the island with the hotel and he rents out every room. Every room. So now they got the hotel. She's happy. He's making money on top of that from renting out the rooms and that's smart. And he becomes the caretaker of this hotel. And Walter Jr. is like that last shot. Baby Holly is super happy. She's speaking. She's like, hey, dad. Yeah, hey, dad. It's great. She has a southern accent. You're really great. She's got a nanny. And-

And then Walter White, that junior, Walter Jr. is on the diving board, the high board, and he runs and jumps. Yeah. Look what I can do! Oh, splash. Perfect splash. He looks across the pool. There's his wife. She gives him the thumbs up. Why is she on a skateboard? There will be more. I think Vince is planting an idea. Wait, another season? I think that skateboard...

You know, Skyler on the skateboard, that's a whole other story. First of all, they both start with SK. Skyler Skateboard. Here's the other thing. Think about another S that rides a skateboard. Think about where we've seen an S on a skateboard.

The Simpsons. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson! His last name is Simpson! And then Jimmy Cliff, who he got to play that Ross Safarian guy who sells him the hotel and is the caretaker. Hey, mon. Buy my hotel. That guy's a hilarious character. He's so good. Jimmy Cliff, one of the best. It's just a great final... That last half hour...

I could have done with less of the conversation about islands. I don't know. I learned a lot about real estate and some good real estate tips, which I think was the main... I think you got a little too much information about tax write-offs and stuff, but it's okay. Ten minutes of that stuff. Hey, you know what? We can sit through it just for that final scene. But man, oh man, that last moment. I could get used to this. Oh, man. Yeah.

So good. And then... Do you see the monkey? Then that monkey jumps on his shoulder. I didn't see the monkey. Watch it again. I close my eyes. Your DVR cut it off. After he says, I can get used to this, you hear...

And then a little monkey. A little monkey. The cutest monkey ever jumps on his shoulder and dances around and he laughs. I think I just turned it off because I was so satisfied. But had I known there would be a monkey. Well, it's great. It's great. And certainly there's a lot to think about there. And what I thought was interesting was the line of dialogue earlier in the show when Walter White.

says to your character, better call Sal. He says, Sal, you've got to admit, we broke some bad. Well, I know a lot of people have been wondering, when are we going to really hear the title of the show? Because it's really something you owe the audience to use the title of the show at some point in your show.

Broke Some Bad? The title. We Broke Some Bad. And then he sings the theme song. He's like, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, do, do, do, do. I mean, you know, Vince is not going to let a thing go by without giving it significance and meaning. And so for all these years you've been listening to that song, you've been hearing Breaking Bad, when is it going to resonate in the show? Yeah. So having a character say, we broke some bad, sing the song. Yeah.

Yeah. And then he says high five and you go, I prefer 10 down low. And then you do a low 10. It was incredible. It was one of those classic. Man, that last episode of Breaking Bad. Oh, my God. It all comes together. Okay. Spoiler alert off. If you've not been listening because of the spoilers, you can now return to listening. But great television, man. Congratulations on that. Thank you, buddy.

I mean, it's just like an incredible achievement. I don't really like the episodes leading up to that last one. Yeah. But that last one was like just right what I like to see. Everything, yeah. Yeah. So good stuff. Bonus! Clip. All right. Great bonus clip. I think so. We have to go to a break. When we come back, we will have your number 10 episode of the year. This is exciting. We will be right back after this. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang.

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That is a deal. That is a steal for real. So don't wait. Go to stamps.com instead of the post office. Before you do anything else, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. You got to remember, type in bang bang. All right. That's stamps.com. Enter bang bang. And in 2014, I will see you never at the post office.

Comedy Bang Bang. Much love. Much love. Paul F. Tompkins is with me. We're counting down the best of the year. And boy, we're up to number 10 now. We're in our top 10. I can't. God, I can't believe it. This is moving at a breakneck pace and my neck is broken.

Oh, my God. I think I'm going to die. I shouldn't move you. No, don't move me. Otherwise, I'll paralyze you. Please don't move me. Wow, this is like a football game. It's like Friday Night Lights. Friday Night Lights. I'm going to start saying that. Anytime Friday Night Lights is mentioned next year in 2014. Absolutely. I'm going to retire my wife, but we're going to say Friday Night Lights. I think that's a capital idea. I'm all in favor of that. I'll help support that. Okay, good.

What is your favorite TV show, by the way? I like a lot of stuff. You know, like Breaking Bad, of course, Mad Men, Friday Night Lights. Friday Night Lights! What are you doing? All right. This clip comes from episode number 10 of...

Nope. That's right. It's not episode number 10. Sorry. It's clip. It's the 10th episode. Yes. The 10th best episode. 10th best episode. Okay. This is number 10 in your countdown. Number 10. This is episode number 243. That's right. This is a couple later than the Stallone brothers. They're all around the same. A lot of these are around the same time frame. A lot of them were, actually. Like 240s in there. Yeah. In part one, we had...

A lot around 200 because we had 203, 204. Something about that. Once you hit that 200, the show really hit its stride. It really did. This is from episode 243, an episode called Blow Me Up, Tom. Yes. Now, let me explain this a little bit. Good luck to you. You have Maria Bamford, comedian extraordinaire. The Bammer. The Bammer.

She asks to be on the show, or I asked her to be on the show. Do you think this is while she's having a breakdown? No, this is after. Oh, it's after. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought maybe this was like a symptom. No, no, no, no. This is after she's out of the woods. Everything's fine. Would you feel bad, though, if- This caused it? No, well, not if it caused it, but it was like, oh, I wonder if she asked to be on the show because she was having a breakdown. Like she would never normally ask to be? No, no, no. Exactly. A sane person wouldn't say, can I be on your show? No.

I actually pursued her. She hadn't been on in quite a few years. You go on. And she's on the show. And our good friend Tom Likas, who was only on the show once previously in last year's Amy Poehler episode. Was only once before. That was the only time he's ever been on the show before. This is his second appearance.

He really makes a meal of it. He really does. But Tom Blykus, if you don't know him, he's disgusting. He's a radio personality. He's a human monster. He's a human monster. Now, what's interesting about this episode, but I think why it got so many votes, is Maria is –

laughing her ass off at it. She's absolutely delighted. She loves it. Yes. She's thrilled beyond repair. There could not have been a better pairing of guests. Sometimes you don't know how someone is going to react. I've had shows where people are a little like, oh boy, is this still going on? Like, for instance, probably the Rob Delaney Michael Jackson episode. I think he was maybe getting tired of that in the middle of it. I can't imagine anyone getting tired of it. Hee hee. But

Maria was having so much fun with it. She loved it, and I think it just was a very charming episode. But a lot of strong language in this. Yes. Tom is very disgusting. But this is from – you picked it. This is your number – Hey, you guys picked this. This is from your number 10 episode. This is Blow Me Up Tom. This is Tom Likas and Maria Bamford. Number 10. Number 10. Boom.

What is that? Engineer Frank, can you please stop that? What is that? Is that a sound effect? Engineer, no. Engineer Frank, you're not doing this, are you?

No, oh no. Tom Likas Show. Oh no, not the Tom Likas Show. It's me, Tom Likas, here on the Tom Likas Program. No, it's not. I'm sitting down on a flash Friday. No, it's not a flash Friday. Taking calls. No, you're not. Pulling bitches off my cock. God, no. Here with Scott Ackerman. No, Tom. You're on Tom, bellow. No, I'm not on Tom, you're on Scott. You're not on Tom, but Tom's on top.

You know what I'm talking about? I don't. Tom. I'm doing great. Oh, God. What is your question for the professor? To the listeners, I'm sorry about this. Tom Likas, who's a radio personality of note, he hasn't been on the show in a year. I'm sorry. What do you say most often to a woman after you get done with her?

I'm sorry, baby! Tell me about it! Please, this is not the way the show normally is. If you're listening to the show for the first time, this is not what I want the show to be. Tom, like us, you're a disgusting human being. We talked about that last time. Thank you! But I only let women talk to me like that, and only if they're stuffed with my balls.

You know what I'm talking about? I think we talked about... Talking about colitis. I think we talked about that with Amy Poehler last time, about how you like to stick your balls into... Anyway, uh... You never know where the balls are gonna fit until you go to blowmeuptime.com. Okay, I... That's blowmeuptime.com. Tom, are you planning on being here the entire show? I don't make plans!

I don't know if you can see this right now, but I have a beautiful, young, emotionally vulnerable woman right there. No, she's my guest. Licking. No, it's under the table. Oh, it's under the table? Okay, what's going on? She's licking the back of my knees because she's not good enough for the rest of it yet. Ah!

Oh, God. Can you handle it, dear? I think he's talking to our guest. Tom, if you're going to be here the whole show, at least let me introduce our guest. It's Flash Friday. It's not. If you flash the Tom Ligas truck, you get a free date at Long John Silver's. Oh, God. Blah! BlowyOtob.com, Maria Bureau-Tob, below. All right, let's introduce her. Maria, you're a fan, it seems. Hello!

Oh, okay. I know you do. I do. I mean, I know I'm too old for you, Tom Likas. Oh, you think you're too old for me? I mean, I think you'd let me cup your bottles. There's always room on the roster. Did I work the shaft? There's always room on the roster if you know how to play a keister. Do you know what I'm talking about? Okay, Tom, please. This is a respectable show. I want to know legitimately if she knows what I'm talking about. Okay, I guess we can find out if she knows what you're talking about. What I'm talking about. I don't know.

I do. I know that you respect women and you respect people of color. I respect women the way I respect a bucket of popcorn shrimp. In what way is that? Because they go down easy. Are you married, Tom? I forgot. I don't get married. Oh, that's right. Let me tell you something about women. Women want to get married. And I know Maria comes in here and she goes, I want Tom to propose to me. Let me tell you something, sweetheart. I do.

The only ring you're going to be getting from me is a real wet ring around the backside. You know what I'm talking about? What? The only ring you're going to be getting from me. He means he's going to put his cock in my bunghole. Oh, that ring. Ring around the rosy. Okay. Good guys. Pocket full of posies. This is not the way the show normally runs. Take me out fairytale style. I don't. Okay. What is fairytale style? Now I actually am. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, oh yeah. Wait, it's fairytale style if you just say Rapunzel, Rapunzel, oh yeah? You got it! Okay, well, I've never heard that before. All right, let's get to our guest. Oh, my God. And Maria, I apologize for having you on. No, I'm so grateful. You're all tough, y'all. Oh, I love that. It was supposed to be just you and me for the entire hour just talking about old times. Yeah, no, this is perfect. Okay. Because sometimes, Tom, I just do want to, you know, because I...

I really, I do want, I want to live with my boyfriend. We've been dating only six months and we're going to move in together maybe in a year. Six months and you want to get your hooks into him. Yes. Let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen. Maria here.

What if I lost the sentence that I just made? It seems like that happened. Do you remember what she was talking about? I'm doing great. But what do you think is the best? I mean, if I were not a good person, if I were a manipulative person, how would I take care of a sack? Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I am. You know, as I as I said earlier. Do you compliment his bank account when you submit? Yeah.

You know her as a comedian. Yes. Maria Bamford. Yes. Thank you so much for having me on the show. And this is serious. I used to listen. I have listened to Tom Likas. Yeah. As well as. Well, you said you used to listen. What does that mean? You're not currently listening. Well, no, I don't know where to find it. Let me tell you something about broadcasting, Scott. Broad! Broad? Yeah, that's right. Broadcasting is the best way to get a pussy.

I'd missed most of that. When are you on, Tom? Because I just can't remember. I am on the internet. Oh, so always on. Yeah, you can listen anytime you want to blow me up, blah, blah, blah. See, that's the only problem. I only listen to Tom when I'm in the car, super bored. Super bored? What? Did you pull over? No.

Because you can't listen to Tom with both hands on the wheel. Oh, God. Do you understand the inference that I'm making? Yes, of course, Tom. Look, let's talk to Maria here for a little bit. Let's maybe tag team on questions for Maria. Is that okay? Oh, you want to double down, big boy? I don't know, but maybe one... I'm not gay! Number 10. Oh, good. Now, you picked that. You picked it. You get what you get, and you don't get upset.

That, by the way, only had 23 more votes than number 11. So that just barely squeaked into our top 10. Would you say it's a squeaker? It was a squeaker. By the way, I haven't talked about how many votes were tabulated this year. Over 65,000 votes. They were put on a tab?

I don't know what that word means. Tabulated. Count it up. No, Paul. I'm dumb. I never knew you were dumb. I've been hiding it. You can hide it. I can hide it. Just like about how I was about to lose control. That's right. Oh, 65,000 votes. That's wild. And only 20 separated number 10 and number 11. That's weird. Wild stuff. Did I do it? Is that the Californians? I was just trying to cross-check. Okay.

That's weird. Wild stuff. Take the 101 to the 134. Coming back in style. So that shows you how close this countdown is, and we have even closer ones as we go higher in the countdown. So every vote counted this year. All right. We have time.

In a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do is to save every day till eternity passes away and to spend them with you. But there never seems to be enough time to do the things that you want to do. What's fine, man? You've been around enough to know you're the one I want to go through time with.

That's a good old Jim Croce breakdown. If no one has recorded a version exactly like that before, they really should. I have wanted to do that for a long time. Let's do it. All right. By the way, if there's a band out there like Mumford & Sons, if not Mumford & Sons, who knows? They may be listening. But if Mumford & Sons or a band like them are out there who can play that style of music, contact us. Mumford, contact us. Sons, wake up your father.

Sons, wake up your fathers. That sounds like a poem. It does, doesn't it? Or it's like something you would, like a speech you would recite. Sons, wake up your fathers. All right. So we are getting up there in our countdown, and this is episode, on your countdown, number nine. Number nine. That's right. Number nine. This is episode 218. 218.

218. 218. Okay, this is number nine on your countdown. Kind of in the middle between these periods we've been talking about. People, guests, it's got to be the host. One person, two people. I can't think of it. You just can't do it, can you? I can't think of it. Let me give you a clue. Fourth. May the fourth be with you. Ah, Star Wars? No, it's not Star Wars. But that would be great if we had Star Wars on this countdown.

If the movie Star Wars is part of the Star Wars. Yeah. So like coming out of number eight Star Wars A New Hope. Yep. And we just play that. But no unfortunately it's all clips from this show. This is from the fourth anniversary extravaganza.

Now, is it rare for anniversary shows to get voted into the top ten countdown? It's not actually. It's usually the ones towards the end of the year that have a harder time, right? Yes, they do. Or the ones at the beginning of the year. No, it's the ones at the beginning and at the end. The ones in the middle all tend to be favorites. The ones at the beginning people kind of forget about. And the ones at the end, they go, oh, well, I don't have quite, you know...

You know what it's like? You know what it's like? It's like how Honor Majesty Secret Service is now considered one of the best Bond films. Right. But at the time, it was like, let's do a little better, guys. Yes, exactly. So maybe. And then they found out they couldn't do better. That's right. They couldn't. They were just going to be the way they were. Couldn't, shouldn't, and wouldn't.

So this is from the fourth anniversary extravaganza. This was all star episode. You have David Wayne, director of movies and person from Stella, among other things. You have guests like Marissa Wampler, Tracy Reardon. You have Mike, the janitor.

You have the Bachelor brothers and you have Jason Manzoukas. This is a great episode. What's Jason Manzoukas a person from? That's a character that this really funny comedian has been playing for about 40 years or so. Let's see. But we're going to hear two clips from this episode. It was a long one. And so we're going to hear two different chunks. The first chunk, we have David Wayne.

And then we have Marissa Wampler and Tracy Reardon, who are very similar in age. One is 16 and one is 17. One is 16 going on 17. One is 17. The end. Great Rodgers and Hammerstein song. That's how the sound of music ended, by the way. In the middle of that song. The end. And the curtain. Curtain. Nazis. Um.

Okay, so we're going to hear that chunk where those two meet for probably the first time, I think. They don't like each other. They don't like each other. They talked on Twitter previous to this, and so we're going to hear that chunk. And then after that chunk, we are going to hear from the Bachelor Brothers. Was this their first appearance? This is their first appearance. We'd never met them before, and they're very interesting people. Yes, they are. They came back on our recent Christmas holiday episode. That's right.

So we're going to hear from that. This is your number nine clip. Number nine.

David Wayne is here, and also I have a very special guest here, a co-host almost in a way, and you heard her on the show a while back, I guess, maybe a month, month and a half ago. She was on the show with Adam Brody, and was that a big thrill for you, by the way? That was a huge thrill. I feel like Adam Brody was such a nice guy, and I really learned a lot about him because I always watch him in movies and TV shows and stuff, and I really learned that he's a really good surfer.

And he's like a really good actor. And he was so sweet and he touched my thigh. Yeah. Did you get his email address or anything like that? He didn't give it to me. Oh, I'm so sorry. Whatever. But maybe one of these guests that we have on the show today, like David Wayne, will maybe give you his email address. Married, married, married. That's okay. I can still email you. You can just chat online or whatever. Okay. I mean, I would, I'm open to,

the touching the thigh if we want to talk about wait you're okay with that but being a married man but you're not with email well email can get very intimate you were very quick on that by the way you went married married married almost as if that's your defense he's too scared he's like well I was thinking about like if there's like she has sort of a milky thigh that has a little bit of uh

sweat glow to it. Yeah, you're wearing shorts today. I like to. It really gets me. You weren't wearing shorts last time I saw you. No, because it wasn't that warm. I bite you. Yeah, didn't get a good look at those things. I've never seen shorts that short. Oh, yeah. Well, these actually were jeans, but I just cut them off at the point where it started hurting me because they were really, really tight. So I right exactly where my fat is, part of my thigh. I cut them. Married. Married. Married. Okay.

Tracy Reardon, by the way, is here. Yeah, I'm Tracy. I didn't say your name. Hello, Tracy. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. A lot of people were a big fan of your appearance on the show. That's really cool. I got a lot of really weird tweets from people where they were talking about the way I talk and they didn't like the way I talked. And we should explain the way you talk. You have... Emphatically...

You have sort of a... We talked about it on the show, and it's okay to talk about this because it's just your life, but you have like a congenital defect, birth defect. What?

It's not a birth defect. Oh, wait, what happened again? Well, you're talking about my ear? Yeah. Because it's not really part of my talking. My ear... Oh, I thought that was related to the way you talk. No, not really. Because one side of your face doesn't have any cartilage. My left ear doesn't have any cartilage because of the way I was birthed by my mom. I came out of my mom's vagina and my whole head scraped against the side of her vagina and my ear fell off. Your mom barfed you? Birthed me. Oh, okay. I thought that had something to do with the way you talked.

No, I mean, no one's ever really suggested that. No one suggested that? No one's ever really talked about how I talk until right now. What? Oh, so you don't know that there's, you talk at a... I don't know what you're talking about, but I feel like it's not hard, it's like, you're trying to hurt my feelings, is what I'm saying. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. Okay. In fact, I deeply apologize. Thank you. But it's...

But it's okay to talk about your ear, though. Yeah. It's like really obvious. You're proud of that. My ear is really obvious. Yeah. But not your voice. Scott, you realize everyone talks in a slightly different accent. That's part of the wonderful thing. No, I understand. Oh, my God. What the F is going on? Oh. Busted. Busted.

Hi, Marissa. Who's this, your wife? Stone cold busted. Marissa Wampler just made her way into this. Womp it up. If it were not for the fact that I was following the Twitter feed of one Mrs. Tracy Weirden. Weirden. Uh-huh. With an R. I would not have known that there was an anniversary show, which I did not get an invite to. So I come in and see you chatting it up with an earless...

I have one eel. Sweaty woman in a tube top. By the way, thanks for wearing the tube top today. You're welcome. Great tube top. Yeah. Married man. I am just, I am. Am I too loud on the mic? Marissa, you're always too loud on the mics. Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to not. Why are you so out of breath? You realize you don't need an invite to come to the show. You're supposed to be here every week. What? You just elect not to come most weeks out of the year. I don't know what the sketch is. I don't know.

know what the sketch is the sketch is we do it once a week sometimes twice a week and you're supposed to be here well you can color me mad okay because i am a woman scorned here i don't know what to say here how about i'm sorry how about flowers and chocolate would do the trick i have several female guests on the show every i don't want to hear about i don't listen to your show for the final time i don't listen why are you following tracy here on twitter thank you

First of all, I admitted that in a fit of rage. I'm now regretting that. Well, now I know. You know what? Reardon, where are you from? Well, actually, it doesn't really matter where I'm from. No, it does matter because I'm coming to your house tonight. Well, I live in Burbank with my grandma now. Oh, do you? Yeah, I'm in Burbank. You go to Burbank Public? She may live somewhere different than where she's from.

So it's more relevant to say, like, where are you living now? Whose side are you on? I'm trying to help you. I want every man in this room to choose sides right now. Wait, Marissa, you know David Wayne? Yeah. On a last name basis? Well, I've been setting my headshot every three days. Well, Marissa. Marissa wants to break into show business. Believe me, I've wallpapered my whole garage with her headshots. Whoa. Married, married. Marissa. I'm sorry? Marissa? It's Marissa Steele.

Say it. It's Marissa. Marissa. It's Marissa. I'm saying it. Don't taunt her, Marissa. What is this? Children of a lesser god? I'm not interested. What? I'm not deaf. That's unseen. Yeah. Despite her appearance, she's not. I have a hole in the side of my head. It works. It just doesn't have caudalage around it. That reminds me of the woman who founded the Girl Scouts. Remember she got a piece of rice thrown in her ear? I wasn't allowed in there. At her wedding. Who could forget? And she. Who doesn't know that story? And she went deaf.

That's sad. At her wedding? Yeah, it's better than a story about getting scraped against your mother's vajaj. Wow, you really know a lot about me. Hey, I wish I had gone deaf at my wedding, then I wouldn't have to listen to my wife snagging all the time. But we'll talk about that later. That's more Wayne Scotting after this. That's more Wayne Scotting. Wait, Marissa, I have female guests on the show all the time. You've never acted like this. What's the problem? I...

When this girl showed up on your podcast, which I don't listen to, suddenly everyone's blowing it up on Twitter saying, oh, you two should do a show together. You should do a show together. Oh, yeah. I think that would be charming. 216, you're how old? Hey, keep your six sexual preferences to yourself. All right?

He likes my thighs. I said nothing of the sort to either of you. I would wear a tube top if you wanted me to. No, thank you. I would cut off my jeans at the fattest part of my thigh, but I can't determine what that is. I would vote yes on that. Marissa, you're shaped like a pyramid. I know.

That's not my fault. No, it is your fault. I'm on a DiGiorno pizza diet. It's not my fault. I know. I don't think you should feel bad for yourself. Pyramids are majestic. Oh, Wayne. That's right. People travel from all over the country to see them in Egypt. From all over the country? Yeah, all over Egypt. All parts of the United States. They all go to Egypt.

They go to Las Vegas to see the Luxor Hotel. That's what I was talking about. Yeah, of course. That's the real pyramids. They come from Cairo. They come from everywhere in Egypt. Look, just because there's an older woman here on the show. How old are you? Marissa's 16. I'm 16. How old are you? I'm 17. Oh, fuck.

Barely legal. I was born before you. Barely legal. She's not legal. That's not barely legal. Almost barely legal. God, you know what? This is just exactly what you've wanted, isn't it? Two underage women fighting over you. Well, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction. Tracy's not fighting over me. I'm not looking at her. I'm not looking at you. I'm putting on dark glasses, and I'm going to be a great guest on this podcast, and we'll let the public decide. Womp it up.

Okay, so you want some sort of vote after this podcast is released? Yeah, I would love a vote. Of who's the better what? Person. Person. Really? You want to go to person? You know what, Reardon? You just raised the stakes. Fine. Who's the better person? Fine. Who's the better person?

I'm volunteering right now online. David, do you have a preference at this point? You know, I do. As I told you, I like the sweaty thighs. I love the tube top. But, you know, the pyramid-shaped body also has, as I said, a certain majesty and a certain groundedness. This isn't the bouncer. Just tell us who you're deciding on. We're not stringing it out, all right? I'm just trying to think. It's very difficult to choose between two pyramids. If I have to decide, I'm going to look at each one and just see when I pop a boner. Oh.

Okay, well... Are we going to put a rubber band around it or how are we going to know? Do you want me to do a check on this? Oh, so there's a campaign honor system where I can just tell you? No, I mean, I need to verify this. So if I can... Let me place my hand upon your penis. All right, I'm looking at Marissa now. Okay, I have my hand upon his penis. Here we go. And... I have hair around my...

Each areola, I have a tremendous amount of hair. Yeah, she showed them to Judd Apatow. You can get rid of that. If that gives you anything. Okay, good, because Judd's a friend, so that does count for something. And then here's Tracy. I have no boobs, but my tube top stays up because of clothespins attached to my skin. That did it. There it was. I think I might have even come to completion there. Okay, goodness. All right, well, so... How did we get a rag? A wet rag. Okay.

Or a wet rag. I keep wet naps in my knapsack. That's like the furthest I've ever gotten with a guy, Willie. What, him looking at you? Well, because he made a wet one. Oh, yeah. Huh. Interesting. Well, I'm so sorry, Marissa. Please. You know, I'm not cheating on you just because I have another teenage girl on the show. It's fine. As I said, I'm moving on.org. I don't care. Okay, yeah. I'm absolutely over it. For those of you who are just listening to the show for the first time, Marissa is a 16-year-old girl who goes to Marina Del Rey High School. Woman.

N-W-O-M-Y-N. She's my intern. She never comes to the show. She pops up maybe once every three, four months. Are you a feminist? You know what, Riordan? I'm not interested. I'm trying to make a conversation with you about something you're interested in. You know what, Riordan? I have a lot of friends, okay? I'm not looking for another one. This isn't Babysitter's Club, all right? You have a lot of friends? Yeah. I have Lissler.

Lissler is not a... Yes, she is. Charlotte Lissler is my best friend. She is a... And my soul sister. By the way, Lissler is your teacher and an older woman. My advanced learning program, STARS program. Yeah, no. Yeah. Yeah, she's a 44-year-old woman who used to be a sniper in the first Iraq war. Yeah, no, we know all about her. And she's my best friend. That's weird. You should reach out to Tracy here. You know what? We're like the same age. No, you're older. But she's older.

It seems like Tracy is making an effort here. Here's the thing. I don't like fighting. I hate confrontation. That's something everyone knows about me. That's life, bitch. Whoa. Oh, God. Where is this coming from? I'm about the same age as Lissler. Maybe we could go for a drink sometime. Who? You and Marissa? You gotta be careful what you wish for. Married, married, married. Yeah, you don't want that. Married, married, married. You don't want your avocado to dip into the...

What was it? Oh, it was a white asparagus that was dipped into a fage yogurt. Oh, that sounds good. It's called faggy.

You know what? That's homophobic. It's pronounced faggy. You know, it's not pronounced that. Even if it is, I would appreciate it. It's like the word niggardly. No one should say that word. You're a wasis. You're a wasis. That's what I'm saying. That word should not ever be said anymore. This might be the last episode of this podcast. It's going to get shut down by the FAA.

The FAA? What is that? That's the federal... The Air Administration? Oh, they're having some tough troubles, right? Bring that up on Wade Scotting. Well, no wonder they call this network Earwolf, because it's like, it's like howling like a wolf. Good stuff. Guys, I hope that you can put aside your differences here. I mean, Tracy, you don't have any differences. I'm trying to. I mean, I knew about the Twitter feud, to be honest. You guys were in a Twitter feud? Well, like, people

People were trying to egg us on. What? People were forcing it upon us. And here's the thing. I can't really avoid what happens to my Twitter feed. I read every tweet. And so that was kind of stressful to me. And I stayed up every night kind of worrying about it until I got here. And I didn't know she was going to be here today. Well, I sent you an invitation to meet me outside the Marina Del Rey Public Library. Yeah, but that was really aggressive. Yeah. And I was going to cut you. See, why would I want to show up to that?

Yeah. She wrote that in the letter. You should go to where she's at. You know, people aren't going to want to come to you to be cut. I can't. Come to Bow Bank. I'm not allowed. I can only take the surface streets. How am I going to get there? Come to Bow Bank. Come to my grandma's house. Oh, fine. I will. I'll come to your grandma's house. I dare you to climb in my window and cut me all night. Don't. You know what? Don't make those kind of...

Accusation. I dare you to come in the window and cut me all night. My God. That sounds like an invitation at least. One cut would be a night. Is that going to be on demand? I'd really like to see that. I'll wear my shorts so you can watch it. Oh, gosh. Well, guys, we have to take our first break here on the show. I've got to cool down. Yeah, you've got to cool down, Walker. And you've got to womp it up. Okay, I will womp it up if you cool it down.

We are back here, and we have Jason Manzoukas here. Comedy Bing Bong, how are ya? Bing Bong! It's our fourth anniversary. Thank you so much for listening. We have Mike the Janitor here. Comedy Beatbox, love it! Haha, and of course, Tracy Reardon. Hi!

My wife. Of course. And a couple of guys just wandered in the studio. I know we have an open door policy here. A couple of guys. Scott, it's the Bachelor Brothers, babe. How's it going, babe? I'm sorry, we've never been introduced, so I don't know why I would know you. Benny Batchelor. And I'm Barrett Batchelor, babe. We're the Bachelor Brothers, and we run the Bachelor Records, babe. You made it, baby. The hottest record label in town. Oh.

Just down the street. Yeah, yeah, or down the street. Our offices are above the hottest nightclub in the city. The hottest nightclub in Los Angeles, and our offices are on the penthouse.

Babe. Okay, you've given me no details yet. What's the name of the club? Bachelor pad. The bachelor pad. Yeah, that's it. Okay, I think you guys just made that up. Because you started saying it, and then you got all excited that he came up with such a good one. And then you guys high-fived. I was thinking of all the hot nights we've had there with the sweatiest chicks in town. And that's how you're supposed to say the name. Is that what that place is about? I'm really sweaty. I'm 25.

Have you seen her glisten thighs? Yeah. And we have some of the hottest bands show up. And then we put them on our Bachelor Brothers label, babe. Bachelor Records. Bachelor Records. Yeah. What did you say? Yeah, quit saying stuff that's different.

But we have some great acts come through. Tell us about your acts, if you could. I'd also like to know. Why are you on the show, by the way? We're here to pry you away from Earwolf, babe. We've got to take you off of your label and put you on Bachelor Records. This is quite a turnaround. Okay. All right. That was easy. See you guys.

Well, we just want you to also play some of our bands. Oh, like who are your hottest bands? Well, the Kooky Cavemen. Wait, with their song, You got me rocking like a dinosaur. I know that one. Look, look. They don't dress up like cavemen. They're wearing leopard skin tunics. We only sign the most outrageous, wildest bands. These people come out in full prehistoric getup.

loincloths, holding rocks and sticks. Their instruments look like bones, baby. Oh! Kids, they don't want regular bands that just come out with their guitars and their long hair and their fringed vests. Wait, what? Can I ask you a question? That's more guys like us than at 50. I think so. Can I ask you a quick question? How old are you guys?

We're 13 years old. We're twins! And you might ask if one is older than the other? No, we were born at the exact same moment. Wait, not even like a minute apart? Not even a minute apart. We both slimed out at the same time. Wait, are you guys side by sides? Mm-hmm. Yep.

Holding hands just like we are right now. Why are you guys holding hands? I probably hurt your mom. No, we were super tiny. We didn't hurt her at all. I hurt my mom when I came out. We know. Don't boast, dear.

So is it interesting to see an older woman like this, Tracy? I'm 17. Hobby, hobby, jailbait, jailbait. Why are you calling an older woman jailbait? You're jailbait. Also, what was that expression you used? Hobby, hobby, hobby, hobby. Do you want to hear about it?

another band or not? Of course I do. My wife, I certainly do. Yeah, my wife. All right, another one of our bands is called 1993, and all their songs are about 1993. Ooh, you got me rockin' like a cloned dinosaur. They have Gennaro's Lament about the lawyer from Jurassic Park. Hey, Raptor Baby.

No, specifically, it's just about 1993, but about Jurassic Park. Oh. I suppose that's one way of thinking about it. You want to split hairs. Hobby, hobby. I'm just trying to understand what's going on. Hobby, hobby. You guys call everyone baby. Big surprise. The janitor's splitting hairs. What? What did you say? Janitor.

Jailbait? Yeah, jailbait. Jailbait in the janitor. Sounds like a great wild rock act. Whoa. We should sign them. All right. You should sign them. I only play Bones. Hey!

That's perfect. We got to introduce you to the, what were they called? The Kooky Cavemen. And you know, Mike Fajari here sings about Fishbones a lot. It's true. Fishbone, the band that was playing the first time I walked into Amoeba Records, and I was wondering why it was so crowded in there. That means they were physically playing. Yeah. Sing your song for them. Oh!

Don't throw a boot at me just because I'm sailing on a fence. I'm a cat and I ate an entire fish skeleton. It's what I do. I don't like money, but I love lasagna. Hey, come over here. Talk to me in private real quick. I'm seeing dollar signs, my man. Yeah, yeah. You're looking at a dollar bill currently. Yeah, and I'm seeing a big turkey sub.

You guys brought those in. Is that your change from buying those turkey subs? Is that why? Yeah. The change we got was more turkey. Hey, would you be opposed? The change you got was more turkey. You've never been to Bachelor Subs? Would you be opposed to a costume? And we're giving turkey as change. Wait, wait, wait. Did you buy sandwiches at your own restaurant? No.

At the Bachelor Pad. Wait, what? Bachelor Pad subs. That was not worth a high five at that moment. Not worth a high five.

What they do is they separate their hands from holding hands in order to then high five with those hands. But then they clutch back immediately. Yeah, like magnets. Like two magnets. This just occurred to me. Does the dollar sign actually appear on the dollar bill? It doesn't. And I was going to ask. I think they spell it out every time, right?

It's not like play money that you get. There's no dollar sign on a dollar. I don't think there is. I think they just say, this is one dollar. There's plenty in my bank account. I gotta say, for the Bachelor brothers, cash money's a little beneath us. At our headquarters, it's all doubloons. Really? Well, that's because we signed the hottest act in town. Oh, what's that? The Pirates.

The pirates, the butlers, the garbage men. Wait a minute. The garbage man is getting dangerously close. He picks up garbage all day for money. Well, he does it. He does it. He does it for the only thing he has in return. Can I explain something to you, fellas? Here's what I do. I clean up other people's filth and all I ask in return is a paycheck. That's it.

That's all I want. Well, I believe you also just negotiated for ownership over that trash. Yes, I did. Thank you, Mr. Hockerman. You don't have to suck up to me anymore. Oh, that's right. You piece of shit. The problem, he is the biggest problem. I might as well mop you up. That's what I think of you. We may not be able to sign you because we have an act called the janitors.

They're a bunch of people. They dress up like the oars you use to row a boat, and they're all named Janet. Oh, conflict of interest. Yeah. That sucks, baby. The Janet oars. Yeah. So it's a band full of people dressed as oars. Hey, why did you say Janet right before that? You guys didn't high five on that one. Yeah, high five. It's in development. We're tickling each other. Ew. Ew.

Number nine. All right. That was number nine. Good clip. The Bachelor Brothers, baby. Bachelor Brothers, baby. It's hard not to talk like them. Yeah. You know what? It is because it's fun. It is fun. It's fun to talk like that. Well, before we go to break, we have a really brief bonus.

Clip. This was requested a lot by people. Yeah, this a lot of people requested this clip. And so this is from episode 237. This is a person named Tito Ben.

Tito Ben. And this is him. He came on. He talked about his business, the Filipino blockbuster in the mall in Filipino town and where he rents movies that he makes. But he also has a side business where he has a karaoke night in his business.

And all of the karaoke tracks are him singing all of the backups. So this is him demonstrating that. So let's hear that right now. All right. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Clip. You know, if you come every Tuesday, I host a karaoke night and I will back you up. Where do you do that? Hmm? Where do you host the karaoke? Across the street, there's this car wash. Okay. And after hours, they open up the wash. Oh, and how's it going? Good, good. A couple people singing the same songs. A lot of...

You know, I want to sex you up. Let's hear the background to that one. Yay. Feel real good. Wake up. And you. Do. You up. We drop. You up. Ha ha.

And then it's mostly them. Oh, okay. Then they take over, yeah. You are good, man. Wow. It's almost like you got a track in your head. Well, that one has been done so many times. Oh, yeah, yeah. Clip.

All right, Tito Ben, very good. We have to take a break. When we come back, we will have your number eight clip right after this. Guys, we've got the one, the only Squarespace sponsoring today's show. Squarespace, what is it?

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Use that offer code I told you about. Renew to get 10% off and to let them know we sent you. That is Squarespace. Everything you need to create an exceptional website. Comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang. Counting them down. 2013. Gotta do it. Gotta count them down. You have to. Otherwise, why are we living? Territory.

He doesn't know the territory. What do you think? Yes, sir. When the man dances, the piper pays him. We are referencing a lot of musicals. We are. Why not? Why shouldn't we? It's the end of the year. Yes. When you watch musicals. Fuck all of y'all. Musical time. Seriously. If you don't know what we're talking about, educate yourself. Yeah, do it. All right. This is...

Excuse me. This is a very great clip. This is the one that you have voted as number eight. Number eight. All right. This is number eight. This is... Paul, let's see if you can tell what this is. Okay. Okay. Okay. I like this. This is from episode 229. 229. Okay. Okay. We've previously heard some other episodes. Guests are on there. We've heard some with this guy. Scott Ackerman is the host. What? What?

I can't think of it. You can't think of it, can you? No, and I won't think of it. This is from...

Episode 2. Episode 2. 39. 2. 29, Paul. Oh, well, that's the problem I was having. That's the problem. Yeah. This is. 2. 29. This is an episode called Two Thumbs and Not Much Else. I think I know a little something about this episode. That is right. The guests are. Ben Schwartz. Benny Schwartz. Benny Schwartz from House of Pies. That's right.

By the way, before we go into this episode, Benny wanted to send a message to us. Really? That is right. He was in here and he wanted to send a message to the listeners and talk about something that he has. Not only thank you for voting in this episode, but also talk about something he has coming up before the end of the year that he wants you to know about. So let us hear from Ben Schwartz right now.

Special message from Ben Schwartz. Oh, guys and girls and squirrels. Thank you guys so much for voting for Werner Herzog and Ben Schwartz in the best of. I mean, what an honor. What a beautiful, fantastic honor. Why don't we open up the plug bag? Talk about plugs. Talk about plug-in butts. Talk about P-L-U-G-B-U-T-T-S. Talk about plugs.

Talkin' about pluggin' buds, talkin' about pluggin' buds. Plug bag is open, guys. Guys, I have actually a very special plug, if that's cool with you guys. It is that I did a special for Showtime, and it's going to be one of the first times ever that Long Form Improv will ever be on TV. Hopefully it happens much more in the future, but whatever.

What it is, it's called House of Lies Live, and it's going to premiere December 30th on the internet, and then it's going to premiere on Showtime at 10 p.m. on New Year's Eve. And it's me, Don Cheadle, Kristen Bell, Josh Lawson from House of Lies, and then these other cast members who are improvisers, which is Lauren Lapkus, Eugene Cordero, and Ryan Gall, and we do long-form improv. And we can curse, and it's crazy, and I just picture-locked on it, and I'm really proud of it. And so I'd love if you guys could watch it. Thank you so much.

Ah, Ben. That is nice of him to say. It was okay of him to say. So make sure you watch that. That sounds like a really great thing. And so he is in this episode called Two Thumbs and Not Much Else and our good friend Werner Herzog.

Is in this episode as well. He is a good friend, right? He really is. I feel like he would be a good friend if he was your friend. He is not my friend, but I feel like he would be a good friend. He's a friend of the show. Friend of the show. And a pretty good friend of the show. I wonder if I have any friends that aren't just friends of the show. I've thought about that a lot. I don't think so. That's rough stuff. Yeah, it is. Who would you say is your best friend? Oh, man, you. Oh, boy. But we're tight. Yeah.

Anyway, Werner Herzog, I think... Oh, yeah, let's talk about him instead of what we were just talking about. I'd rather not. Yes, please. I think that he would be a great friend if he were your friend in real life. I think that he would do, if you needed him, at a moment's notice, he would drop everything. At the drop of his Homburg, he would head on over. At the drop of his spiked helmet. He's German.

Okantara's. Okay, so the two of these guys got together and- Meeting for the first time. It was a magical episode. It really was. This is one of my favorites. It made the Statue of Liberty disappear. This is only number eight, by the way. This is crazy. This is one of the best episodes of the year. I can't believe anything's better than this. Yeah, but we're going to hear from this and you're going to love it. So let's hear that. This is from your number eight. Number eight.

Number eight. Ben Schwartz, we all know from... Here we go. Hit him with your resume. So you didn't do any research? You did no research? I mean, I know you're on Parks and Recreation occasionally. Okay. And then that show that's based on the diner... Stop, stop, stop. I'm going to stop you. No, no, I'm going to stop you. Every single time I'm on the show, you say it incorrectly to the point of now I get tweets all the time.

It's calling my show House of Pies. Wait, that's not it? That's not it. Straight off the bat, I'll tell you. What diner is it based on? And then one time, you didn't even purposely make a mistake, but you called it Shameless a couple times. You have no idea what my show is called. Well, look, it's not on basic cable, right? No, it's not on basic. Well, neither is IFC.

IFC is, I mean, maybe you pay for it, but it's sort of basic cable. It's kind of basic. It's a little higher tier, but not as high as, what's your show on Starz? Oh, God. It's on Showtime. It's right after Shameless. It's called, hit him with it. Shameful? Nope. One more time. House of Shame? Nope. The Blame Game. I'm going to take you through it. Just say it with me. Ready? Shame Game Blame. Look at my lips. How are you? No? No?

No, it's not. It's not called How Are You? Who was that show that lasted a couple episodes that was like, it was like they walked through a door. It was popular overseas in America. Do you remember Jason Alexander? Wait, people walk through doors on this show?

Thank God you're here. It was called Thank God You're Here. Who is that? Who is this? Is that Dracula? Dracula. It sounds like Drac. No, this is our good friend Werner Herzog is on the show. Werner! Director extraordinaire, actor from Jack Reacher. We talked about that the last time you were on the show. You're in Jack Reacher? I played the one-eyed, one-fingered villain in Jack Reacher. Is that?

Wait, one finger missing or one finger on his head? He had one finger remaining pretty much. No spoilers, Werner. Was it the finger, you know what I'm talking about? Was he flipping people to burn all the time? Sadly, no. That was a source of great debate between myself and the special effects department who were... Between the special effects department, not the director.

They're in charge of these decisions? Nor the prop master. You're talking about the green screen guy. Yes, the director was forbidden to direct me as I am also a director. Oh, that's how we're self-out. That's also why I kept my acting to a minimum. Yeah, that makes sense.

Makes sense. I wanted to, as they were green screening my fingers, I wanted to keep the middle finger. So you just wore green tape over the other fingers? It was just that simple. Or was it a green mitten that you cut one finger off of? That's a better idea. I wish we had done that. It would have been so much easier. I had an allergic reaction to the glue from the tape, from the green screen tape. So your fingers then really turned green. They turned green and swelled to an enormous size.

How did you know, though, if you couldn't see them any longer because they had green tape around them? I'm not sure if you understand how green screen works. Well, I don't know. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Let's let the listeners be the judge. Some of the scenes you don't have fingers in. Some of the scenes your fingers are little tiny dinosaurs or whatever the green screen guy wants to do. That is true. I am at the mercy of the green screener. Now, I didn't see this movie. Oh, but what finger did it end up being? I don't know why.

Why didn't he see it? Yes. May I ask you a question? Please, we don't need to ask each other if we can ask these. Why did you not see the film Jack Reacher? Well, it was an inconvenient time for me. I believe it opened on Christmas Day. Wait, can we for a second take a breath? Werner Herzog just asked you why you didn't see Jack Reacher. That's crazy.

crazy in this random podcast. Things like that happen in the show. If you're listening to the show for the first time, maybe you're interested because you saw the TV show. We have celebrities on like Ben Schwartz and Werner Herzog. I mean, I don't know. You wouldn't think that they would mix so well together, but these guys seem to be getting along. What we share in common, I think, is an inquisitive nature. Yeah, that's true. A relentless thirst for the truth. It's true.

Honestly, he's right. You're laughing. Is that why you come on this show is to get at the truth? Yes.

What kind of car do you drive? Is it like a Prius, an earth-conscious car? I drive an earth- No, he hates nature. I hate nature, so I drive it. It's called a- Is it a Humvee limo? It's called a Humscalade. It's a Humvee and an Escalade. Humscalade! Two of them, they have been sawn in half and then welded together. Wait, not the back half and the front half. It's just literally the right half and the left half? Exactly, yes. Oh my goodness. It's unbelievable. It takes up a street and a half. So where do you drive?

Not many places, sadly.

But when I do, everyone knows about it. Yeah, sure. Werner, what finger? Did we get to the bottom of this? I had the thumb and the index finger on my left hand, so I could count to two European style. Smart. Good. You could also point at people. And you could do a gun, but a bad improv gun. I could point at people. I could do a bad improv gun. I was prevented from doing an improvisation phone thing.

I could do a Bill Clinton. A little harder, though. Okay, I'm going to try to practice this. Okay, I don't have a thing. Oh, yeah. It's this. It's just this. It works. Yeah, I guess it works. I did not have sexual relations with that woman. You could thumb wrestle, but your base would be very weak. Your base would be frail. With thumb wrestling, I had to rely...

very much on my my use of strength and the kindness of strangers as illustrated in the play a streetcar named desire yeah yeah yeah blanche you so you weren't lunch yes how many times in the movie did you do the phones like hey and put your thumbs up that's what i was going to ask is is you did get to riff the who has two thumbs

And little else. This guy? Yes. You sound like a gay Dracula. Who has two thumbs. Now you sound more like Dracula than I do. I don't know. That's off. That was wrong. That was wrong.

Wait, what is it? Who has two thumbs? Who has two thumbs and that's pretty much it hand-wise. And then I would indicate myself with my thumbs. And would you say this guy? I would. Say it. Get me through it. I really want to hear it. Do the whole thing. It would go like this. Wait, we're looking for the killer. Who is the killer? Well, I'll tell you. Who around here has two thumbs but very little else going on hand-wise is...

I am such a man.

For the listener, I indicated myself with both of my thumbs. Indicated with his thumbs. With those aforementioned thumbs. With his thumbs. Yeah. That's really funny. That's a powerful scene. What is your favorite movie, Werner? Oh, good question. That's not your own. That's not my own. That's not by Prince either. Oof. Oh, nice. That narrows things down. By 95%. Probably... Freddy Got Fingered? Herbie Goes Bananas. Is that the sequel to Herbie's Fully Loaded? That's...

This is the original Herbie series. Oh. Yes. How many films in that series? Four. Okay. And let's name them, of course. Herbie the Love Bug. Herbie the Love Bug. Herbie goes to Monte Carlo. Monte Carlo, yes. Herbie goes bananas. Yes. And then? Herbie, Portrait of a Serial Killer. Okay.

Can I tell you my favorite series? Yeah, please. Have you guys seen them or no? You guys have seen Back to the Future 1, 2, and 3. Have you seen the ones after it? Like episode 4, 5, and 6? No, I didn't know that they did these. Have you, Werner? I've heard of them, but I have not seen them. So there's like, I guess this joke doesn't work with that because they don't have titles after it. So they're called Back to the Future 5. Is the fourth one.

And then Back to the Future 8. Because the time continuum is all fucked up. Yeah, it's all fucked up, and that's why... And then my favorite one is Back to the Future 6, Down and Dirty, Havana Nights. So they go down to Cuba. They do. Well, they go down to Cuba, but it's a really long time ago. So it was not illegal to... No, it was like dinosaurs were there dancing. Oh, dancing? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know the dinosaurs danced. They didn't cover that in the Jurassic Park movie. It is why they are extinct.

That's why. They focused too much on their dancing. Yeah. And they all developed eating disorders. Yep. They were all caring about the way they looked. And no one had practical jobs. No. That's right. And they all wanted to be artists. They were a very jealous group of lizards who envied one another and they developed the mental strain of competition. Sure. And they all wanted to be the lead in.

in the recitals and only one could you know only one could be the black swan yes wow interesting or I guess a black dinosaur

Did you almost yawn while you said that, by the way? You know what song's in my head right now? What's that? Am I allowed to sing or copyright infringement? I mean, I'll bust you for it, but go ahead and sing. I'm going to sing the first... It's from a musical. Okay, great. Okay? It's just I'm going to sing the very beginning of it. You tell me what it is first. Don't cry for me. That's what it was. Was it? No. Oh, okay. It was this, right? It goes, Poor, all my life I've always been poor. God, what I'm for. Do you know what I'm for? And he tells me, gee, I'm not sure.

Eat that floor kit. Oh! Eat that floor kit. I did say eat that floor kit. I started life as an orphan. A child of the streets. Down on Skid Row. He took me in, gave me shelter and bread, a crust of bread and a job. Treats me like dirt, calls me a slob, which I am.

So I live downtown. That's your home address. You live downtown. When your life's a mess, you live downtown. Where depression's just status quo.

Down on Skid Row Someone tell me a way to get out of here Cause I constantly pray I'll get out of here Won't somebody please say I'll get out of here Someone call Lady Luck cause I'm stuck here Downtown Gotta get up there well and get out of here Gonna get Scott my back and get out of here Talking for her and then I'll get out

Have you ever heard that song? Have you ever heard that song before? Yeah.

Here we go now. Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars band now. Star Wars, Star Wars, Star Wars big trumpet player. Star Wars, Star Wars. Just murder, just murder, just murder. Wow, okay. So wait, have you heard that song before? I've never heard that song before. Copyright infringement is not a concern. I guess not.

No, I've never heard that before. What's that from? It's from Little Shop of Horrors. That's crazy. You knew all the words and you'd never heard it before? I was just following your lead, man. That's how good you are. But we even harmonized and did the two-part part. I did not notice. I can't wait to hear this episode. I'm going to listen to that part. I don't know that you demonstrated that you knew all the words. It verged on the Fred Armisen-Kristen Wig segment of Weekend Update. Nor that we could harmonize. We didn't prove any of the things I said in that sentence.

Guys, it's time for one of our favorite features on the show. A break? Werner Hertz. The Hertz Redicar. He's with us today. What? What just happened?

As if Rob Schneider has walked into the room. I was just going to say. Making coffees. Making coffees. Lattes. It's time for... Has he been excluded from the Grown Ups series of films? I was wondering that. Is that true? It's coming out this Friday. I have not seen him in any of the advertisements. That's what I was wondering because wasn't he front and center in the ads? Yeah. Are they not friends anymore? I have no idea. I would hate to think...

That there could be any unrest in that group of friends. But our good friends...

Nick Swardson is in that movie. He's in all those movies, right? And Andy Samberg is in that movie and Will Forte and Taron Killam. There's a very funny scene where the grown-ups go to a car wash to have their cars washed and they think it is going to be the common practice of sexy young ladies washing cars in bikinis, but instead the grown-ups

they end up having their car washed by a bunch of men. You're finding this funny, Werner. It's the idea of it that their expectations have been... The tables are turned. ...have been destroyed. Yeah. Would you like to direct Grown Ups 3?

I would jump at the chance to direct such a film. What is keeping you then? I mean, I would love to see a comedy. My phone has not rung. I've put it out there many times that I would love to direct a hilarious Hollywood comedy. What would your idea of a Grown Ups 3, what would happen in it?

Some set pieces. We have our Cass, right? We have our Kevin James. We have our Adam Sandler. We have our Chris Rock. We have our David Spade. That's correct. Possibly Schneider. Hopefully. I would definitely bring him back into the mix.

Even if he wasn't friends anymore with Sandler? Especially. Oh, wow. I would use the friction to fuel the story, which is the grown-ups find themselves in a burning building. And how many – I mean, this is a question I have to ask you. How many of them make it out? Well, I don't want to spoil anything, but none. None.

That's not spoiling anything, I think. That's like the original ending of Little Shop of Horrors. And how soon into the movie do they burn alive? Not all of them burn alive. Oh, some of them commit suicide first? Well, yes, but not all of them. Okay, good. Who's the last one to perish?

That Alan fellow who's in all of the Adam Sandler movies. Alan Corbett? Yes. He's the last man standing. He's the last man standing. And what does he say? He is a firefighter who comes in just a moment too late, and then he is crushed by a beam. So then what's the last frame of our film? As he is crushed by the beam, he says, I'm a homosexual. I'm a homosexual.

Why? Because it's a laugh line. It's a laugh line. The films such as these posit the idea that homosexuality is the funniest thing you can even imagine. So I want to end the film on a big laugh line. But then crushed by a beam is just reward. Yes, it is ever thus to homosexuals in films like this.

It is no less than he deserves. You are getting so dark this segment. I have to say. My goodness. I'm just trying to make everyone laugh. You're doing great. You're doing great. Thank you. From a deli owner, that's a rave. I don't own a deli. That's a reference to a commercial for rye bread from decades ago.

Tell us about this commercial. I'd love to hear about it. Did you just reference a commercial that nobody would know? It was an American television commercial. Growing up as a young man in Germany. I was obsessed with television advertisements. Anything American. Anything American. Rock and roll blue jeans commercials for rye bread.

And there was a series of – it was a montage of different Dura deli owners of New York City. And they made – the makers of this rye bread made sandwiches for these deli owners to sample, the idea being that they would get a taste of this wonderful bread and say something positive about it.

And then one by one, they all give these reviews that are damning with their faint praise saying, it's all right. I don't mind it. And then the last fellow says, it makes a nice sandwich. And then the announcer's voice comes in and says, from a deli owner, that's a rave because they are notoriously stingy with their compliments about foodstuffs. Yeah.

That sounds amazing. God. God, we are getting schooled. I haven't seen a commercial for rye bread in a long time. Did you ever see that commercial for Where's the Beef? Well, it wasn't for Where's the Beef. Yeah, for that product, Where's the Beef. No, you're thinking of, that's what the woman says. What? No, she says Where's the Beef. It's for Wendy's. What's Wendy's? Wendy's is a- I've seen that commercial a million times. It's for Where's the Beef. And what is she pointing at?

She's pointing out that the burger has no beef on the regular burgers, but at Wendy's it has more. Yeah, and it's like, hey, come to Where's the Beef and you get the beef. Have you ever been to Where's the Beef? I do have to. I've always wanted to go. I've never seen one around. I assumed it was a regional thing. I do have to ask you, Scott, do you, in your mind, you remember the announcer saying, come to Where's the Beef? Of course. I saw it a million times. He obviously says that. Wait, what part? Ready? You be the woman. Yeah, okay. Hey!

I want a hamburger. I beg your pardon. May I also be in the advertisement? Yes, please. Of course. If you don't mind, Werner. I will play the role of the fellow who is serving the beefless hamburger. That's great. And who are you, Benny Smoss? I'm your friend. Oh, okay. You're my friend. The other old lady. I'm the other old lady. Come, old lady. Hey. Let's talk to this gentleman. Hey, we'd like two burgers, please. Two of them. Welcome to the hamburger establishment. Two burgers, you say? Yes.

Yes, please. One moment, please. Make those two hamburgers promptly. Oh, we have some already waiting under some lights. Fantastic. Here are your two burgers, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you very much. This big burger tastes terrible. Let's go to Where's the Beef? No, wait. I have a question. Where's the beef? Yes, let's go there. No, where's the beef? Yes, let's go to Where's the Beef? Sir, where's the beef?

Where's where's the beef? Are you referring to this skimpy serving of beef that is in this hamburger? Yes. I do apologize. I hope you understand that the corporate culture that has a stranglehold on this nation causes us to serve less than satisfactory food. Well, I think that portion sizes could be reduced. We're all getting too fat these days.

You raise an interesting idea. Perhaps it is time to cut back on our beef consumption. And cut. If I'm the director, I'm saying cut now. What? Because I don't know what the product is. I was about to go. I think we're against what my product is. I was about to go into the fact that 90% of the truck traffic in the United States is from beef. What?

Well, as the director, can I come in here for a second? Well, as you know, Gildrules made you to direct me. Correct. So I'm going to direct Scott. You direct Scott. I will carry on with the commercial in the way that I see fit. While I'm directing him? Yes. Okay. Well, the whole thing is also at the beginning, if the hamburgers are there waiting...

Why wouldn't you just take them out immediately? They're there right next to him. The other time is, stop saying where's the beef. It's about Wendy's. It's about the burger inside. You never want me to say where's the beef? No, say where's the beef. We should go to Wendy's. They have big burgers. I mean, just like it's jumping this. Jumping this, I guess. Excuse me, where's the beef? Stop, cut.

Listen to me. I have notes again. This is what you gotta do. Don't say, where's the beef? Say literally, where's the beef? We gotta get a bigger burger, okay? And actually jump in. It's like a fucking water slide. Go. Excuse me, sir. Where is that beef?

Stop. You didn't even say beef on that time, okay? I fear that this woman is sailing with me right now. What did I say? You said, where's the beef? You said, where's the beef? I couldn't possibly have said that. Say it with me. Where's the beef? Where's the beef? All right, I'm going to jump in. Here's the beef. Beep the beep. Cut. That'll do it. All right, we got it. Number eight. Oh, man, what an episode, huh? Scott, when I think of that episode...

I think of little children saying the Pledge of Allegiance and flipping the script and pledging to overturn the United States government. And I'm so thrilled. I don't know why you're thinking of that. Well, it makes me happy. Okay. All right. Really? So you're an anarchist? I guess so. I guess so. Well, I'm not an anarchist, but I like the idea that little kids are. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Because I believe the children are certainly a future. How should we handle this? Let them live? Yeah.

That is the lyric of the song. I believe the children are future. Let them live and let them show the way. Lead the way. That's the end. Oh, let them live the end. Yep. Roger's never die. All right. So before we take a break, we have time for one little tiny bonus clip.

And this is from episode 191, which was our holiday episode last year. Oh, Merry Christmas. Did not make it into our top 15 nor our top 20, but that already was a great episode. That was a star-studded one as well. This is a little chunk of that episode. This is our...

Musical friend Bjork dropped by. Oh, sure. From Iceland. From Iceland. And she wanted to sing a Christmas carol for us. And people, I think it's apropos of the season, and people requested this bonus clip a lot. So let's hear that. This is Bjork singing Silent Night. Clip. So I was hoping to play my rendition of Silent Night, which is a mashup of my song It's Oh So...

Quiet? You know it? I do know it, yeah. I love that song. Big hit. Good video, too. Yeah. Well, this isn't going to be the video, okay? Okay, we use... It's a podcast. He was just saying that he enjoyed the video. Not every compliment is... But I enjoy someone who's not you. We really got off on the wrong foot here. Wow. Paris.

Fuck you, Bjork. It's almost like he's heard the program before. Yeah, I know. Or people just really hate me right off the bat. All right, so you want to sing Silent Night, Bjork? Yes, and I won't be representing it in any video visual way. I know, I wasn't saying that. It's impossible. No AV equipment here at all. We know. No umbrellas. Unplugged acoustic performance. So this is quite a treat. Bjork with Silent Night here on Comedy Bang Bang. Let's hear it. Silent night.

Holy night. All is calm. All is light. Round yon virgin, mother and child. There's a baby trying to sleep. You stupid fucking shepherd. Bunch of fuckers.

What the fuck?

Thank you very much. Wow. What an incredible acoustic performance. Clip. All right. Great bonus clip. We have to take a break. When we come back, we will have your number seven episode of the year. Nuts. It is nuts. It's nuts. All right. Come on back. Hey, guys. Today, Comedy Bang Bang is sponsored by our good friends over at Bonobos.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back here with Paul F. Tompkins. Hello! We just have one last clip. Just one last clip, Scott. Can you believe it? This is an exciting one. I'm excited about it because when I think of clips in the order in which they descend, I think that the lower the number gets, actually the more the excitement increases because what we're saying is,

The lesser numbers are actually greater in stature. I believe we've talked about that on previous countdowns. Shouldn't it go 1 through 10, but the 10 is the best? Yeah. It's very confusing. I'm reading basically...

I'm reading backwards on my notes from here about all this stuff. I have to go from the bottom of the page up. Who is the time? It doesn't make any sense. That's why when they do countdowns for, you know, spacecraft blasting off. When they say 5, 4, 3, nose 1. Yeah. It seems like such a... I think everybody gets disappointed. Especially because they go all the way down to zero. Yeah, they do. And sometimes they go to negative 1. Yeah. It's confusing these days. That's why in television...

I didn't realize they go to negative one these days. They do. Yeah. It's crazy. They pass that law. Has like a rocket started to take off at one? Yeah. It's been like – Wait, wait. It's been like – And then it goes, uh-oh, and then it goes back down. I feel like you can feel the air go out of the room when it gets down to zero. Because all of those guys in NASA who clutch their pens and stare at the computer screens like hoping that the space shuttle doesn't –

Nothing goes wrong with it, you know. They'll get fired. Yeah. That's the worst thing that happens. After the Challenger exploded? Oh, man. Heads rolled. Oh, people got shit canned. Guy had to go home to his wife with his cardboard box full of- His wife. Full of- Friday Night Lights. I can't wait until next year. That's going to be so great. I can't wait.

Because you know why? Because it won't happen a lot, but when it does happen, it's going to be amazing. I hope I remember it. I'm okay at the callbacks, but we tape a lot of episodes. I think you're really good at the callbacks. I think you – there are very few instances where you've missed a My Wife. That's the only one. No, there's a few. You know, though, I haven't done the My Wife's recently. I'm trying to think of how long it's been.

It's been a couple of months, I think, since we've done it. Poor Sean Cullen.

He didn't know what was going on. He had no idea what was happening. That's from our Life from Toronto, if you want to know what that reference is about. You should want to know. That was requested a lot. The Life from Toronto clip was requested a lot. It was a little too long to include in this clip. Oh, the role-playing thing? The role-playing thing, yeah. With Karen in the office? That was a lot of fun. I had a lot of fun doing that. That was nuts. People really liked that, and I got a lot of requests for it, but it will not

This is an old expression, but that was as nuts as a pile of nuts. That's a super old expression. Yeah. Nobody says that anymore. That's probably – I don't know. That was old like probably – I don't know. Episode 257. That old? That old, yeah. Yeah.

But speaking of episodes, we have to get to your number seven episode. And this is it. This is number seven. Number seven. All right. So this is from episode 236. And this is – it's interesting that you make that noise. Why? The one that you just did. Make it again if you could. Yeah, that one. I'm an interesting person. Yeah. Well, I mean, but it sounded like someone on our next –

Oh, I was making a grunt of thought. Yes. Do it again. Yeah. That sounds, I mean, you don't know that you're doing it, but that's a great impression of someone on our next. I don't like that. I don't know that I'm doing it. It's very sinister. You were just making a grunting noise. It sounds a lot like you have this knowledge that, that I don't have. And I don't like it. I made the list.

Well, you got me there. That's right. If everyone knew what was coming on the list, this would not be exciting anymore. If everyone knew, yeah. Scott, you're right. You know what I mean? I got high before this recording. Did you really? And that just blew my mind. Wait, it wasn't on your own supply, was it? Yeah. Oh, no. I know. Never do that. I know. And you know what? It's written on the bag, too. Yeah. It's written on the bag. Warning. Do not get high on your own supply. My weed bags that I'm selling. Yeah.

If you supply this, don't get high on it. Oh, my gosh. All right. This is. Seriously, but I do deal drugs. So if anybody wants drugs for me. Yeah, that's very important. This is from episode 236. This is an episode called Murderer Heaven. Murderer Heaven. Murderer Heaven. Yes. An interesting episode. We have Rob Corddry from Children's Hospital. Two D's, two R's.

It's like cord, the word cord, and then dry, the word dry. No, not two R's. My mistake. No, no, no. Just two D's. Yeah, just two D's. No, there's two R's. There's a cord in cord. Oh, that's true. You saved me. Yeah. Bookending. His name is not a palindrome. It is not, although. It's a half-assed palindrome that somebody didn't think through.

Mr. and Mrs. Corddry, you fucked up. It should be Cordrard. It should, exactly. Bore Cordrard. No, it shouldn't be. Wait. It should be Cordrick. Cordrick. Cordrick. All right. So this is from an episode called Murderer Heaven. You got Rob Corddry. Rob and I are talking, and then someone comes in.

And interrupts us. And a really interesting person who was making his first appearance on the show. So let's hear from that. This is episode number seven. Number seven. A PA on a hot tub time machine, too.

could do a, now everybody can do a Christopher Walken, right? Pretty much everybody has their version of a Walken. He had the best one, just this PA named Chris, the best one I'd ever heard. And I don't remember a Christopher Walken ever saying this, but it sounds very Walken, and that's what you really gotta find if you're doing a Walken, and his Walken was, just a couple words, good for you, good for you. Soup is good food. How would he say that, I wonder?

Soup is good food. I think he'd say like he just puts Periods yeah, well that's what he does Rob is he takes a script and he erases all punctuation Including periods really goes through in my opinion. That's the most important punctuation on on the page. I agree with any sentence I agree Thomas take him or leaving period I need to know when to stop it was the 70s man, right? That's true

Good point. Punctuation is for children. When did punctuation... By the way, when did punctuation... When was it invented? Is that like a 1950s thing? No. No. Punctuation? Yeah. That was either... That's probably Ben Franklin. Benjamin Franklin invented punctuation. Another one of his... The bifocals. That guy did it all, man. The semicolon. This guy did it all. This guy. Yeah. You a big Franklin guy? Yeah. Big Franklin guy. Yeah. The whole deal with him. The whole look. The whole... The food...

The syphilis. You won't even carry anything less. Statesmanship. You won't carry anything less than a $100 bill because of Franklin. Isn't that right? Well, I only carry $100 bills because they don't have hepatitis on them. Right. Yes. Because the $1 bills, those are the worst. Disgusting. Disgusting. They've been so many. Poor people have been handling those. Who knows how many crushed up pills have been snorted. Do you know that?

Through $1. What is that? Boo. That's a... Boo. Clanking chains. What? Rob, do you hear... The sound of clanking chains. Do you hear what I hear? Boo. I'm not talking about a little drummer boy. I'm talking about... It's like a... I think it's a heckle, right? It's a heckle. I'm not sure because I also hear clanking chains, which isn't a traditional heckle. Clanking chains. That's more of a ghost. Oh, it's just a... Creaking door. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Wait a minute. Let me turn my head to the left and see if I can see some sort of apparition. Do you mind? Normally, I prefer to stare straight into my guest's eyes. I would love the break. Okay, well, I'll do it then. Go ahead. Here I go. Ready? And... Boo. There's some sort of a ghostly apparition to my left here. Please forgive my haunting of you.

Boo. Now, Rob, I'm only getting half of this gentleman's face. Are you seeing the other half? I think you really got to take a look at the other half of this guy's face. Excuse me, spirit. Yes, hello. Do you mind turning towards me? It's going to be very unpleasant for you. It's very disarming. That's the nicest I've ever heard it described. Thank you.

Yeah. Oh, my goodness. You have half of a mask on your face, covering up half of your face, much akin to the Phantom of the Opera. I've received that comparison before. Boo. Wait, now, you're a ghost? That's correct. And as far as I'm concerned, you look a little like, and this maybe is impossible, you look a little like...

The character on Boardwalk Empire. Yeah. The sort of the assassin. I believe his name is War Hero. Richard Harrow? Present. Wow. This is Richard Harrow. I'm the ghost of him. Boo. You're the ghost of Richard Harrow. Well, of course. Yes. You must be dead by now. Spiderweb. You can stop saying creepy Halloween things. We've established you're a ghost. Thank you. Okay. Thank you. Yes. I wasn't sure that it was apparent.

What are you doing here, spirit? Are you... Wait, before we begin, are you a bit of undigested potato? No. Okay, thank you. I'm a ghost. Please proceed then. I'm coming here from murderer heaven.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You got to break that down. Did you have a question? Hold on. As far as I'm concerned, in my America, murderers go straight down to H-E double hockey sticks. Hello, my friend. What is this you're talking about? I'm just telling you what I know of the life beyond this, which is that there's a special heaven for murderers who are sad.

Wait, murderers who are sad and repentant? Self-conscious sad murderers. Penitent? No, they're not. Wait, they're just sad. That's the threshold? Sad and self-conscious murderers go to murderers' heaven. My goodness. Because they like children, even though they shoot people in the throat. Wait, so you're sad about what you... I've seen you on the show murder a lot of people. It's true that those TV shows are based on actual events.

That's true, yeah. It's a historical docudrama. It's fun. And you seem very sad most of the time. Yeah, you're admittedly sad. I think probably because I only have half a face. And that is what makes you self-conscious. Wait, so you're not sad about the murders? The murders, to be honest, make me feel a little bit better. So you slipped into murderer's heaven on a technicality? The fact that you're sad about your face? A little bit better does not mean happy.

I still have half a face. Yeah, but murderer heaven in my America is for murderers who are sad about the murders they committed, not murderers who are happy about the murders they committed and who happen to be sad about their half a face. You'll forgive me if I feel I know a bit more about murderer heaven than you do.

Do you know anything about the, I imagine there could be an infinite number of heavens now. Do you know anything or are you just- There's 12. There's 12 heavens? Oh, wow. One for each of the, wait, there's seven deadly sins, so each of those and then five more? Pretty much. What are the other five? Dog heaven. Oh, okay. Yeah, all dogs do that. That makes sense. Regular heaven. Okay. Oh, okay. Okay.

Jewish heaven. Oh, okay. That brings us up to ten heavens at this point. Two more to go. Beach heaven, which is like heaven, but it's all a beach. That's the one I want to go to. Who goes there? It's too popular, really? Do you get to grease the wheel somehow to get in there? It pays to know someone. Okay. And then hell. That's not a heaven. It is. What? I'm not supposed to tell people. Who's who? Oh.

Please don't repeat that, but hell is just another heaven. Who's going to hell if we've covered all the seven deadly sins and they're going to their respective heavens? It's a spillover from beach heaven. What? Wow. So basically when beach heaven is too full, they don't come back as zombies. They just get moved over to hell? That's right. Huh. Interesting. It's not so bad. This doesn't sound bad at all, any of this. The music is great. In hell? That's right. Or in beach heaven?

Both, really. Can I ask, and I've been dying to know this ever since the program started. In Beach Heaven, the music is played by the best musicians, but all they play is Kokomo by the Beach Boys. Huh. Now, but here's what I'm dying to know. Is the guy who laughed at the surfer wiping out, where did he go? He went to the actual hell.

He's the only one there. Wait a minute. You just said spillover. There's another? Devil hell? Under the hell that's the heaven, that's the spillover from beach heaven is an actual hell, which is solely occupied by the guy who laughs at the server wiping out and the song wipeout.

Wow, and he you say laughs. Why did you even mention that guy? That's strange? It's weird you say laughs. Is he continuing to laugh? That's all he wants to stop but he has to laugh for all of eternity Wow, that's his punishment. That makes sense and what he sees is a surfer standing on a surfboard not wiping out Looking at him like why are you laughing? He's terribly embarrassed well he deserves it hmm

Well, Mr. Harrow, may I call you Mr. Harrow? Please. Or should I call you the ghost of Mr. Harrow? Does ghost have kind of like a prefix that you like? Please call me Mr. Ghost. Wait, not even Harrow? Please call me the former Richard Harrow. Okay, the former Richard Harrow. What brings you here to the studio? I mean, we're not haunted by ghosts often, but when we are, they usually have some sort of purpose. I'm coming to Earth to tell children.

Don't put your teeth under pillows because it's unsanitary. Wait, the whole tooth fairy thing? Yeah. Is there a tooth fairy? Of course there is. Cool. Wait, so you want children not to put their teeth under pillows even though there is an actual tooth fairy? By the way, where does tooth fairy live? Tooth fairy. In one of those heavens? In Jewish heaven. Oh, okay. Oh, the money thing. Figures. Figures.

You really twisted my words. Now she must regret leaving those pennies under the pillows. Oh, you know what? I think I'm mistaken. Come to think of it. Just as soon as Beach Heaven. People are constantly wiping out and knocking their teeth out.

The Tooth Fairy replaces them. Thank you for amending that. That was a close one. But even though the Tooth Fairy exists, you don't want children to benefit from this? What kind of a monster are you? The Tooth Fairy has instructed me to instruct children

Not to put teeth on top or under pillows anymore because it's unsanitary. Dude fairy knows when children lose their teeth and will collect them when it's time. There's no need to go through that old rigmarole.

But look, here's part of my problem with this. Like when I was a kid and I lost teeth, I'd be out in the middle of a field somewhere and all of a sudden it's loose and then there it is. Like what? I'm supposed to go back to the field the next day to pick up my quarter? Where did you grow up? You know, I don't see why that's germane. I don't understand. You lost your tooth in a field, but how does that prevent you from – I don't understand your issue. Yeah.

I'm saying kids don't put teeth under pillows anymore. You're saying you lost your tooth in a field. What I'm trying to say is...

The tooth fairy is just going to come to wherever the tooth happens to be. Where are children supposed to put it? In a plastic bag? The tooth fairy's not coming for the tooth. The tooth fairy doesn't want teeth. What? It just wants to give money. Then why does the tooth fairy care if the tooth is unsanitary? This doesn't make any sense, the former Mr. Harrow. Children have gotten it wrong, and parents have told their children the wrong thing. And I hate when parents are mean to kids. And so I've come to Earth to tell kids don't put teeth under pillows and also to murder their parents.

Wow. Now I feel like we've gotten to the real center of your mission. And if the kids don't get the message about the teeth, that's okay. Just murder your parents. Rob, you're a father. Yeah. How are your kids' teeth? Loose? No. Yeah, there's a couple loose ones. Do your kids have loose teeth? Braces. We were just in the dentist the other day. It's a nightmare. I'm a prime candidate for murder right now. Could you repeat that, please?

Don't – please don't. Don't repeat that. Do you think your children have ever wanted to murder you, Rob?

Yeah, probably, probably in there in an elementary sense. And but luckily, they don't have a ghost of a of a sad, self-conscious hitman and a fucking fairy telling them to do so. So that's my problem. So how are you trying to get the message out? Just are you starting on my. Well, he starts with boo. I'm starting to say boo.

Then I say clanking chains. Wouldn't that normally scare off... I'm not done. Then I say squeaking door. Spiderweb. I say spiderweb, and that usually gets people's attention. Sure, but doesn't it scare off the children? Your intended audience? I'm about to find out. My plan is this. First, I go to a podcast where I assume a lot of tiny children listen. Then...

I will visit these children in the middle of the night, shaking them roughly awake. Wait, so you're hoping... Show me your teeth. Show me your loose teeth. You're hoping the children listen to the show, and then how are you going to get to these children who have listened to the show? You know, you see what I'm saying? How are you going to find them? How are you going to find them? I'll just hover through the walls of homes. Willy nilly. I got time.

Hmm. Okay. So then it's hard playing to poke a hole in. It sounds terrible. It makes sense. It sounds like a terrible poem. A house where there are no children. I will very quickly kill the occupants and then move on. You seem more like an angel of retribution. Yeah. Like just on a murder spree. Seems like a strange conclusion to draw. I'm just a guy who's very self-conscious about having half a face.

You do seem very self-conscious as well. Health conscious. I try to eat right. You look great. You look great. You know? Is there exercise in heaven? All kinds. Yeah. A lot of cardio. I would hope that when you get up to heaven, you don't have to do cardio anymore. No one does. It's just fun. Really? So they've- We finally get it. Heaven turns cardio fun. We finally get it. Oh, that's why it's heaven. Plus, everybody has an iPad, so you can just watch your shows.

Get up there on the old elliptical. Yeah. Catch up on Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That sounds nice. You always meant to watch it. Now's your chance. Well, this all makes sense to me. Rob, do you have any questions? No episodes of Firefly in Heaven. There's more episodes? Just a second season. Oh, okay. Even in Heaven it got canceled after two? Even in Heaven not enough people watched it. That's too bad. But I'd take another season. Only... Do you have any spoilers? That's right. After everyone's been speaking random Chinese words...

For a while, in the final episode of season two, a Chinese person appears. And says, hey, guys. Hey, wouldn't you think there would have been more of me? Seeing as Chinese is so pervasive that everyone is speaking it in the future, you'd think there would have been a Chinese person sooner than this. Everyone has a good laugh. Yeah. And then just freeze frame? High five, freeze frame. Yeah.

Number seven. Wow, Richard Harrow, huh? The ghost of Richard Harrow, Lucky Seven. Yep. That was a video podcast as well. That was, yes. People can watch that episode on video as well as the number 12 episode, Peanut in the Rain. That was on video as well. A stunning visual element to it. That's right. It's worth seeking out. You should check out that Richard, yeah, Richard Harrow was wearing the half mask and-

Because half his face is blown off. Yes. And you should really check that out on video. That is a good one. You can get that at Earwolf.com under the Comedy Bang Bang Show pages. It's also on my YouTube channel. Is it? That's good. Oh, good. There's two places. Wow. Two sides of the coin to turn to. Two sides of the coin to turn to. You're going to lose. Is that a song for real? Yes.

Oh, knights in service of Satan. Boy, they're not doing a good job. They are not. They're not recruiting a lot of people these days. Do you think Satan's angry? Like, guys, I made you knights. I gave you fame, riches, wealth, an ace. You squandered it. I gave you cool makeup to cover up your ugly faces. That's mean. I couldn't do anything to your voices.

Other than W in Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park. Relax, star child. I'll bend these boards with the powers of my mind. Guys, we're a million years old. If you're a 13-year-old, you have no idea what we're talking about. But we have fun.

Paul, that ends... Also, sex is great. You're going to love it. You are going to... Hey, you know what, though? I bet they've already had it. Babies having babies. Oh, babies having babies. The worst. Bees having bees.

Paul, that's the end of our countdown for this episode. Oh, for this episode. That's right. We have two more best of episodes still to come. I can't believe it. And we're going to count down your number six through one in those following episodes. So that's going to be exciting. It's a nail biter. I'm fucking freaking out over here. It's a squeak.

I'm squeaking at my nails. Some close ones coming up in the next ones, too. All right. We will see you on part three of this best of 2013. Paul, I'll see you there, right? Yeah, I'll be there. All right. See you then. Earwolf. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com. Oh, oh, oh.

The wolf dead. Want to hear Earwolf pilots before anybody else? We made a podcast feed just for you. Earwolf Presents is full of great stuff, like preview episodes for upcoming shows, peeks behind the paywall, and pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet. It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes here at Earwolf. Starting January 21st, Earwolf Presents will have a bunch of new pilots for you, like Edgar Montplaisir's The Wokest,

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