Best of 2012 Pt 2
02:21:52 Share

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Progressive, where drivers who save by switching save nearly $750 on average. Plus, auto customers qualify for an average of seven discounts. Quote now at Progressive.com to see if you could save. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates national average 12-month savings of $744 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive.

Between June 2022 and May 2023, potential savings will vary. Discounts not available in all states and situations.

This podcast, Comedy Bang Bang, is brought to you by Squarespace, our old friends, and Spring. Man, it truly has sprung. No one can argue that. And what do we know about spring? Spring is a time of fresh starts. That's right. You thought January was good for starting fresh? Spring's gotcha beat.

springs about rebirth, and that could mean starting a new venture or switching things up on your website. Well, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. With the new guided design system, Squarespace Blueprint, you can select from curated layout and styling options to create a personalized website optimized for every device, integrated, optimized, optimizeded, optimizeded.

SEO tools. Allow your site to show up more often and grow the way you want. Plus, make checkout easy for customers with easy-to-use payment tools, except credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay, and in certain countries, give customers the chance to buy now and pay later with

Afterpay and ClearPay. Selling content on your website? Well, add a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell downloadable files. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch. And I know you're going to be go to squarespace.com slash bang bang to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by the hit IFC series Portlandia, returning Friday nights on January 4th, 2013. Two back-to-back all-new episodes will launch season three with hilarious guest stars like Patton Oswalt and Jim Gaffigan. That is Fred Armisen and Kerry Brownstein's hilarious IFC show. Make sure to tune in and visit ifc.com for more information. We are counting down the top

five episodes of Comedy Bang Bang of the year from five to one here on today's special Best of 2012 episode part two. All of that and more all on today's... Comedy Bang Bang.

Happy New Year! Just kidding. Hey, welcome to the show. You

I totally got you. What a piece of work is mine. Welcome to the show. This is Comedy Bang Bang for another week, and this is a very special episode of Comedy Bang Bang. I am your host, Scott Aukerman, and this is very special because this is part two of our Comedy Bang Bang Best of 2012 specials. Wow, we have one dune, right? One dune as...

Frank Herbert. As Frank Herbert hoped to see before his death of sand poisoning. That's right. They used to sandboard him because he was a terrorist. He wouldn't give up his secrets about this world he created. They'd say, where is Dune? Lead us to it. I made it up. And pour sand down his mouth. And he died. Oh, well. He just had it coming.

Let me introduce who you're listening to, by the way. This is professional comedian Paul F. Tompkins. That's right. I get paid for it. My co-host for the entire program. Hello. Perhaps you heard our part one. I bet you did. I hope you did. If you didn't and you are listening to this, I mean, sure, this can be the first episode you listen to. Absolutely. No problem. But I would say go back and listen to part one. And you know what? I would say if they started with the best of part two. Mm-hmm.

They're kind of, they're a bit savvy because they're saying, hey, I want to hear the best. I don't want to hear the 10 through 6. Why don't I cut to the very best? And why don't I fast forward to, you know, like when there's 10 minutes left so I don't have to wade through. They're like, hey, let's cut to the chase here. Hey, hey, hey. Cha-cha. Cha-cha. Hey.

Hey, what's your favorite dance, cha-cha? How many years do you think it's been since anyone has imitated Dennis Miller? A decade? I know that at the office it's been probably one day. Oh, really? For me, yeah. So anyway, Paul, let me just explain briefly, if this is someone's first episode, what they're listening to here. Oh, for them? Yes. I thought you were going to explain it to me. I can explain it to you. Do you not know what's happening?

Scott, explain it to me like I have no idea what's going on. Paul, I don't think you have any idea what's going on, do you? I don't. Okay, let me explain. Comedy Bang Bang is a podcast, and it is a great podcast. And maybe you've heard about it, and maybe you heard, hey, it's really great, but you don't know how quite to get into it because you look at our vast archive. Or you're skeptical.

And you say, you know what? I'm not going to listen to your vast archive. I'm going to listen to this best of, and then I'll make my own decision. That's right. So that's why we put these out at the end of the year, to highlight the best moments from the show. And these are all voted on by the listeners. The listeners. These are people that have done the work for you of listening to the show. And it is an arduous, tedious task. That's right. I do not recommend it. No way.

I don't know why any of you are. If there was a separate subscription feed for just the best of episodes. Oh. So that twice a year. That's the, you know what? That's the problem is most people just want the best of episodes. They subscribe and then they have to listen to all those other ones. And then they end up voting on them. Yes. But yeah, everyone votes on their 10 favorite episodes of the year. We take the top 10 of those votes and we play them back to you. We've already heard 10 through six, including some,

B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bonus! Clip.

And we're going to have, in this episode, we're going to break it down from five to one, including a couple of bonus clips. And I know. I think right now people are saying that's impossible. To do what I just said? To do what you just said. It's not. In fact, it's so possible we're going to prove. We're doing it not because it is easy, but because it is hard. That's right. Before this decade.

Is through. Yes. We will count down from five to one. The decade of 2002 through 2012. That is correct. Yes. I guess I should have said 2003 to 2012, shouldn't I have? Yeah. Who cares? You know what? It's not as much fun. Don't write me any letters. Don't ever. Ever. Print is dead, so stop printing. And stop cursiving. Thought you'd get me on a loophole. Oh, I thought I could. The kind you'd see in cursive. Yeah.

So let's get to it. What do you say? I'm not stopping it, Scott. No, I'm trying to say enough with the bullshit. Let's get to it. Yes, I know. I understand. But I'm not the impediment here. It's the listener. It's not that I'm saying you're in the impediment, but I wish you'd stop impeding things.

Have you ever wanted to hear a podcast of two people who are really mad at each other and putting on brave faces? You know what? Now I do. I would like to listen to a strange. Mad at you cast. Not mad about you. No, mad at you. Mad at you. And it stars Paul Reiser and Helen Hunt. Oh, and she's naked like she is in the sessions. That's right. Oh, that would be my favorite part. Did you get naked in the sessions? Oh, yeah. All the time. Every scene.

What? Yeah, she's naked in every single scene, including the guy's funeral at the end. Spoiler! That seems improper. Improper? Who are you all of a sudden? I was trying to say improper and inappropriate at the same time. Impropriate.

Let's get on it, Wikipedia, dictionary.com. Come on, Wiktionary. So this comes to us, this episode is coming to us at number five. Number five. That's right, number five. That's right. That's right. Number five. Singers, stop singing number five. This is episode number five, and this is episode 167, an episode entitled New No-Nos. Oh.

Are you ready for it, Paul? Yeah, I am. This one, Jesus Christ. This one really killed me. Yes. This is another episode with Marissa Wampler. We talked about her on the previous Top 10 or the previous Best Of episode last week. Look it up. Marissa Wampler is our CBB intern who gets on mic. This is the second appearance in the Top 10 for her. People love her.

And a comedian named Gerard Carmichael also is in this. That's right. A great comedian, young guy. That's right. Was very funny on this episode. But I want to highlight the section of the show whereupon our old friend Paul Rust comes in. Good old Rusty. Good old Rusty. What is stronger than iron? Rust, I say. Oh, that's like a riddle from The Hobbit or something. That's right. In theaters now. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

48, I say. 48 theaters? I only see it in 48 theaters at 48 frames and in the Continental 48. The Contiguals United States? Yeah.

So this is a section where Paul Rust comes into the show, and he's a comedian in his own right, and he has a feature called New No-Nos, the titular New No-Nos. And this is, in my opinion, one of the funniest things I've ever heard on the show. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that it was happening, and I couldn't believe how much it was making me laugh. Yeah.

So enjoy that. This is number five. Number five. All right. Well, I want to get to my next guest here. He's a friend of the show. He's been sitting patiently here. First of all, I want to say his name. Paul Rust, you've been on the show several times. Scott, good to be back. Thank you. And Paul, you're a comedian here in L.A. Mm-hmm. Stand up.

Stand up and when I, and maybe Gerard, you're probably influenced by his work a little bit. Yeah. I have always said to me, I've been following your career very closely. Yeah. I know what you're going to say. I remember the first time you came up to me. The first time, yeah. After you saw my first set. I said, you seem like...

A young Bill Maher. A young Bill Maher. I forget. I might not be getting the exact words right, but it was something like, you put everything and anything in your crosshairs and you don't hold back. I like to look at comedians and see what they're putting in their crosshairs. And it seemed to me like you were putting everything in there. Well, and specifically mores, would you say? Yeah.

I think that was a big part of what I loved about you, is you were just taking a lot of mores. A lot of social mores. Yeah. And just shoving them right in my crosshairs. Yeah. And taking them down one by one. Dealing with mores for the first time since Dean Martin dealt with them.

Yes. That's amore. I thought we were talking about amore eels. You took that trip down to the aquatic center. Yes, yes. Yeah, the aquarium. Yeah, I love... That field trip. ...baluga whales. Anyway, move on. But yeah, I'm peeved off, Scott. I'm always P.O.ed, ticked off. You're cheesed. I'm cheesed. You're always peezed. I'm miffed.

What are you miffed about right now? What's cheesing you off right now? Well, that's a good question because it brings me to, you know, probably my most popular segment. No no's. Yeah. Yeah.

New no-no's. All right. New no-no. If you have a baby and it starts crying on the plane, then we have full permission to make that baby fly the plane. Right? Yeah!

Uh-huh. Yeah, you don't like the flight? You're crying so much? Okay, congrats. You're the new pilot, baby. Yeah. Wouldn't we like that? Yeah. I don't know. No, no, no. No, no, no. If you have a next-door neighbor and he gets to feeling like having a little weed-whacking session in the morning, then we should have full permission to pay you to do it. Yeah. What? It's crazy.

If you like it so much, I'll pay you, buddy. Every morning. I'll go over to your front yard and... How much do you think a weed whacker costs, Scott? A new weed whacker? A couple hundred dollars? Okay, I'll give him $200. You can buy a new weed whacker. What? You like it so much? How does that help your problem?

New no-no. I'm scared. I thought Wee Wacky was innuendo for something. Me too. I've had a few of those sessions in the morning myself. Oh, God. Hey, how many of you guys have been to a coffee shop before and you gotta wait 30 minutes, huh, to get your coffee? Yeah, that happens. Not often, no. Those long lines. Okay, new no-no. If I have to wait 30 minutes for my coffee, then I should be allowed to take 30 minutes to drink it.

Well, you can. You can take it as long as you want. I've been in there for hours. Tip for tap, people. Sorry, Starbucks. 30 minutes waiting, 30 minutes drinking. They don't care. That's the rule. You can stay there as long as you want. Bring your laptop. These are the no-no's. It's okay. You know, this stuff pisses me off, but it pisses us all off. Yeah. I get people coming up to me all the time saying, thank you, man. New no-no. Wait, that was one? New no-no.

That happened? You guys ever been in the movies before and you got that guy in front of you texting the whole time? New no-no. I should be able to draw a picture of you.

When I go home, I should be able to sit down and just draw a little illustration of you. You can. You can do that. New rule. No, no, no. Wait, is this a new rule? No, no, no. Oh, God. Cornbread isn't bread. It's cake. Okay, people. So all you health nuts who eat pounds of...

Cornbread every day because some nutritionalist told you it was healthy for you. It was a vegetable. Yeah, well, sorry. You better be putting candles in it and start singing happy birthday because it's a cake.

New no-no. Cornbread's cake. All right. I like that one. I like that, too. You guys ready for that last new no-no? Let's hear the last new no-no. New no-no. Goldilocks and the Three Bears. Not an appropriate bedtime story, right? Right. Scary. Too scary. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

No, no, no. That was really dramatic at the end. No consequence. No elucidation upon why. What happened to good night mood? Now I'm done. No, no, no. Wow. All right. You really took us on a ride there. I'm peeved. I'm peeved, guys. He's so cheesed off. He's so cheesed off. He's so cheesed. Miffed. How do you come up with your no-no's?

Well, I'll go out into the world and, you know, I just let the gripes come, you know. What a great way to live. Yeah. Are you actually angry at any of these things? No. I like to think what I think makes people angry. And then I like to think of what the solutions they most like. Right. You're a pretty easygoing guy. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Nothing really ever...

Gets you angry in your personal life. Except for texting during movies. Oh, I heard that one. No, no, no. So that one was real. No, no, no. That's an old no-no. No, no, no. That's an old no-no. We heard that no-no. What was your situation growing up? Well, families, you know, that's the new terrain for me. That's the, you know, I do a lot of things of... You're delving into that side of... Are you doing family counseling? Yeah.

Mainly for the benefit of my new no-no's. Yeah. New no-no. Okay. If you're my dad, then I should be able to make you my son.

Okay. Makes no sense. If you call me son, then I should be able to adopt you and call you son. Okay, good. Raise you. Sure. Support you. Sure. Feed and clothe you. No, no, no. Dad's the son now. Okay.

I like it. Do you hear the truth in his voice? Oh, my God. I'm afraid. I'm afraid right now. Me too. I have closed off body language. I'm about to curl into a ball. I'm just worried people are going to take up my crazy ideas and implement them. Are you afraid of that or is that the thing you want most?

It wouldn't be good for society. Yeah, I mean, you think this loon should be running things? No. I mean, I just stand off to the side and make jokes. I mean, I thought about public office, but yeah, my maniacs would vote for me. I know that. Of course they would. Leave that to the clowns in Washington. I think, you know what? Yeah, they're bigger clowns. I think the circus...

on its travels, I know it was going from town to town for a while, and I think it made a stop in Washington and stayed there. Yeah, exactly. You see what I'm trying to say. Yeah, yeah. Because clowns are running long. Yeah. Yeah, well, to continue the train theme, I think when they were handing out brains, I'm not for sure about this, but I believe some of those politicians thought they were saying trains. Yeah.

And they said, no, we already have trains. We don't need brains. We don't need trains. So keep going. Keep going with the brains. Move on. Because we have trains. Because we as politicians have trains already. No, no, no. Oh, you have a no, no, no? That's copyrighted. So is Wobble Up. Dennis Miller's got his rants. Bill Maher's got his new rules. And I got my new Nellies.

New No-No's. I'm sorry. Can we cut that out? Is that New Nellie's? Let's cut it out. We'll cut it out. Don't worry. Number five. All right, boy. New No-No's, huh? Something about that segment reminds me of something, but I can't think of what it is. Maybe the theme song? I don't know.

It's the kind of segment that makes, like, listeners were telling me that they were walking around their house just saying it for weeks and weeks to come. I can absolutely see that. No, no, no. I hate it and love it at the same time. By the way, if you liked New No-No's, go listen to our holiday episode that came out a couple of weeks ago where Paul Rust...

has some new, you know how he called them new no-no-nos? Yes. Well, they are new ho-ho-hos. That's right. Christmas new no-nos. It's based on Santa Claus. Yeah, the Santa Claus myth. He's known to say ho-ho-ho. Yes, the myth of Kris Kringle. Kris Kringle, Saint Nick, Old Scratch, Beelzebub. He's got many names. Mephisto. Mephisto. Mephisto.

So tell you what, Paul, what do you say? Let's take a break here for a second. All right. I got you on my side now. Why wouldn't you take a break? You work too hard. You got to take a break. Come on.

You gotta take a break, you know? I mean, I love you, you know? I mean, we're going out, you know? Oh, it's hateful. You live with me, you know? That's our Woody Allen. By the way, if you didn't hear part one, that's our, we've been doing Woody Allen impressions as we record these. So hateful. So let's take a break. When we come back, we will count down from four to your number one right after this. From four to your number one.

Hey, everyone. Scott Aukerman here. And I just want to remind you about the TV show where the dream of the 90s is alive on Portlandia. That's right. Fred Armisen, friend of the show. Carrie Brownstein, not friend of the show, but friend of me personally. They both have this amazing sketch show on IFC. It's always entertaining. Emmy nominated sketch comedy. And it's returning to IFC for a third season.

season. Two brand new installments will kick it off on January 4th, okay? You do not want to miss out. Spend your Friday nights with Fred and Carrie as they run the streets of Portland with old and new friends like Chloe Sevigny, Roseanne Barr, Bill Hader, Juliette Lewis, Patton Oswalt, Jim Gaffigan, and, of course, Twin Peaks' Kyle McLaughlin as the mayor.

I cannot tell you how good this show is, and it is going to be even better this year. Make sure to tune in to the Emmy-nominated series Portlandia every Friday night on IFC and visit ifc.com for more information.

Comedy Bang Bang, welcome back. Comedy Bang Bang, welcome back. You got it. You heard it here first from me and not Paul. That's right. You heard it from me second. You got welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang. Second style. Why don't you go sit in an empty pool and be sad?

We're having fun. We're counting down from five to one here. And we just heard number five. Great clip with the Womp and new No-No's. And I tell you what, I think it's...

Literally, there's no other number I would rather do at this point than number four. Yeah. Number four. Number four, that's right. And this comes to us from episode 148. What an intriguing number. Yeah. Now, let me set this clip up a little bit. This is from an episode called Wipeout.

Oh, yes. Yes. Now, I had my good buddy Jason Manzoukas on the show, a hilarious guy. He's hilarious. A hilarious guy who plays Rafi on The League. He plays Rafi on The League. He plays the dictator's best friend. The dictator, the Sacha Goen- Sacha Goen Baugu. Baugu movie. From The Hobbit. Now in theaters.

The Sacha Baron Cohen movie, The Dictator, he plays Sacha Baron Cohen's best friend in that. He's unenlightened. He's so great. As a miserable office worker. He plays a weirdo on Parks and Rec. He's just one of my favorite people and actors. Yes. And I enjoy doing the show with him. And all of a sudden, in the middle of the show, we have another guest. Let's promise to always introduce who Jason is.

Yes, no matter what. No matter what happens. He deserves that. He deserves it. It's fun to say his name. It is. And it's fun to provide his background. It's fun to talk about his credits. So I say if we ever mention him again, let's do it. And I'm not saying that we're going to because who knows what's left on our countdown. But please, let us make that dear promise to each other. Yes. A promise is made. A New Year's promise is made.

So anytime you talk about Jason Mantzoukas, you should talk about his credits. Absolutely. No matter if the person with whom you're speaking knows who Jason is or not. Yes. So I was talking to Jason, and the other guest that came in was a fellow named Dalton Wilcox. Yes.

Now, Dalton Wilcox is the self-proclaimed poet laureate of the West. Yeah. He is a poet. He's a cowboy. He dressed like a cowboy. He had spurs. There is a thing called cowboy poetry. Yes. And these guys have competitions every year and stuff like that, and he is the poet laureate of the West.

Yes, he considers himself the best at it. And we will hear how the title of the episode got its title, the titular Wipeout. And we will hear a lot from Dalton Wilcox. And let me also just say, we mentioned him earlier, Andy Daly...

who is a great, funny guy, improviser, who's on the show a lot doing various characters. He has been on the show several times, and I just want to give you sort of the backstory on him. All of his characters, somehow by the end of the episode...

They all talk about how they're going to commit suicide. They announced their intentions to self-murder. Yes. So Jason and I thought that if we ever had Andy on the show again, that we would kind of figure out why this was happening. So that's all I want to say. But this is our number four clip. Let's hear it. Number four. Number four. You know, I've often been called the poet laureate of the West.

How often? How often? Oh, my gosh. How often? Yeah. It's hard to calculate how often. I've been called between just loose conversations. So you haven't been keeping a running tally? You know what I have. Have you called yourself that? Is that what's going on? Well, I'll be perfectly frank with you. I refer to myself as the poet lord of the West on many occasions. Were you like the king of pop, Michael Jackson, who tried to get that going by his lonesome?

Well, gosh, I don't remember who it was who first called me that and called me it in print. It might have been me. What kind of publications in print? Well, I print out a newsletter. Oh, so it's your own publication. I beg your pardon? Okay, here we go. So you've been called the Poet Laureate of the West by yourself in your own publication. I believe it was me who first called me that, yeah, and has been calling me that for quite some time. Is this an online publication? I wish. Nope. I print it out online.

And I hand it out at hoedowns and rodeos and campouts. Do you have any kind of centerfold in there for Jason? Like anything in the... Any beeves? Does your newsletter have any beeves in it? I heard you talking about beavers before. I don't care. That kind of conversation. I apologize for this. This is the kind of... Hey, this is the program you're on, buddy. We tend to let it all hang out here. That's evidently...

No, it's my newsletter. It's just I'm a celebrated chronicler and collector of the wit and wisdom of the Wild West out there on the range and the plains. So this is kind of a bygone era, or is this the Wild West that's currently happening? The West is very much alive and well now. As long as there are cows that need rustling up, there will be cowboys. How long do you think that'll be?

I feel... I figure that'll be forever. I reckon that'll be until the Earth crashes into the sun. Well, that's not going to happen. You don't think the Earth is going to crash into the sun? Sir, I do not. That's what they say is going to be the end of humankind. I don't know. I think that something's going to crash into the Earth before we crash into the sun. That's precisely what I'm saying. A gigantic meteor will crash into the Earth and...

But that'll kill us all. That'll be the end, not the crashing into the sun part. No, there will be survivors. Let me tell you why you're wrong. You think so? Because we will know that it's coming, and we will move underground, and we'll protect ourselves from that. And there'll be cows down there underground, and we'll need cowboys to rustle them up. There'll be cowboys. I don't see this happening. I think at that point, once we're living underground, we are cannibals.

Yeah. I think the cows are gone. Everything's gone. We are cannibals. This is like a Mad Max scenario. It's not going to matter because within a year, the earth will have been knocked off its axis by this meteor. Wait, within a year, you say? Well, I said, well, it's going to happen right away, but it'll take a year for us to fully- Oh, okay, not within a year from right now. Crash into the sun. No, I don't have an accurate prediction as to when it's going to happen. I bought property up on top of Mount Kilimanjaro.

Because when it happens, all of a sudden the oceans rise, it'll be beachfront property.

Okay, I'm done. Why'd you quit? Wait, what happened? I thought you were going to go through the whole song. Ooh, baby. Ooh.

Baby. Wait, now you're going into a different song. I might. You started with Wipeout. Is that Wipeout? I believe it is. Okay. And then you went into a totally different song. Into a little baby. I do love that you expected us to rescue you from that.

I wish the people at home could have appreciated the dance moves. I wish the people at home could have seen the look on his face that was screaming, help me. I've started something that I don't want to keep going. That's a lot of fun. Dalton, what is your relationship to gauchos? I beg your pardon? What's your relationship? Scott, thank you so much. We're getting to the heart of the matter. Now we're digging into the meat.

because i swear to god i don't know what you mean you don't know you don't know what gauchos are sure don't they're out there huh yeah jason please gauchos are uh i believe aren't gauchos mexican cowboys yes exactly mexican cowboys what's your relationship oh that's not what i call them oh no what's going on here i don't call them gauchos oh boy goddamn mexican cowboy boy

This is taking a dark turn. That's not what I call them. Okay. I got a number of names for them. Yeah, I'm sure we do. But we... Goddamn polite. You know, Jason asked a lighthearted question that, you know, where... Well, you got your answer, lightheart. Oh, boy. It's also the name of a Steely Dan record, guys. What's that? Gaucho. Pretty great record. Yeah, pretty great. Let's talk about which album is the best by Steely Dan. Let's rank them.

Let's count them down from one. Count down to ecstasy? Yeah. Count them down from one. I think it's Cozy Fan Tutti Frutti. That's a squeeze album. Come on. Oh, shit. I wouldn't get that. You can't slip that pass by me. What? I thought I could. What did I just say? You can't squeeze that pass by me. You buy me?

Oh, boy. So, Dalton, tell us why you're here. I've got a book coming out, and I'm promoting my book. It's called You Must Buy Your Wife, At Least As Much Jewelry As You Buy Your Horse, and Other Poems and Observations, Humorous and Otherwise, From a Life on the Range. That's fun. That's the title of my book. That's fun.

title's a little unwieldy. I beg your pardon? The title's a little unwieldy. Well, I looked at how much room there was on the cover of your average book, and I says people aren't using that space efficiently. Most people use 10%. That's precisely right. You know what I mean? They put a picture on there or something. I want to communicate to folks a whole lot of different interesting things about what they're going to find in this book. Most people put a picture on the cover of their book. I say put a thousand words. It all evens out.

Because a picture's worth a thousand words? Terrific. Wow. Just terrific. You know, Jason, I need a little more support from you. You need support from me? You know what I mean? You're the one that decided to a cappella sing Wipeout as a congratulations to yourself for a bit gone bad. Last two things I've done, let's count them down from one. Wipeout and number zero. Zero.

Picture worth a thousand words. You have just shit all over me for. Negative one was the 12 Nights of Oscar contest. No, you back me up. He dove right in there. You did that. That was nice. You never did get to all 12 Nights of Oscar, though. I hope we do revisit it later in the broadcast. We just may. Dalton, I am certain we will. Okay, good. I'm glad, because I think, as far as I know, it only got up to negative six. Or seven.

A long way to go, and a few of them were absolute. Dalton, shut up! I want to hear your poetry! Do you have any goddamn poems to tell us? Sure I do. I got a poem here called The Lonesome Cowboy. The Lonesome Cowboy. Is this an exclusive?

Yeah, it's an exclusive. I've never, yep, that's right. It comes out in a new book. Nobody's ever heard of it before. No one's ever heard of this before. All right, exclusive here, Comedy Bang Bang. This is a world premiere, exclusive. Anything you want to say, Jason? No, I'm just in bated breath. Bated breath, but you can start listening now because this is where it begins. Live tweet. Live tweet this poem. Yeah, feel free to do that, but don't give away the ending.

a cowboy is a lonesome man there's none more lonesome in the land he rides atop his only friend his horse a companion on whom he can depend his woman may be miles behind him sadness and desperation may find him

But a cowboy who's wise will turn to the earth to lend him solace and even mirth. The earth from which all beauty springs, such bounty forth she always brings. He'll dig a hole with cracked scorched hands, pour in all the water that hole demands until that hole is moist. Just right. The earth will never put up any kind of a fight. His cries of joy no one will hear. In case I am not being clear, I'm saying that cowboy is going to fuck a hole in the ground. What?

We all do it. That's what I've found. Any cowboy that knows that lonesome hell can fashion a land virginity well. If a cowboy's seed worked like other seeds, there'd be cowboys growing everywhere across the plains like weeds. That's the poem, The Lonesome Cowboy. Huh? There's a point early on where you rhyme him with him.

That's what you're glomming on to? I think you're wrong about that, my friend. Might I just say that the end of the poem was where my attention was piqued? What happened? The part where the cowboy is making love to a hole that he digs in the ground? I rhymed, excuse me, I rhymed, behind him with may find him. That's him and him. That's a secondary rhyme, yeah. A secondary rhyme, right. Ah.

That's a lullaby. You know what? That took me out of the poem. You didn't hear anything after that? Nope. What happened afterwards? Let me just summarize. This lonesome cowboy is hoping that cowboy clones will grow out of the earth. Wait, what? From where, upon the spot...

upon which he is masturbating. Dalton, is this a... It's fascinating. Poems are open to interpretation, but that one is all wrong, your interpretation. Because what Scott was just describing sounds like some sort of sci-fi cowboy poem. Oh, I don't vote for that. No, absolutely not. Like, pod people of the plains? You know, in some ways an artist hates to explain his work, but I will say that I don't hope that cowboys will grow out of the ground, and it has nothing to do with masturbation, my friend. Absolutely nothing to do with it.

Well, as I look at it now, it appears as though the cowboy is having sex with the ground. Isn't that a form of masturbation, though, if there's not another human involved? How dare you? Wow. The cowboy's lover is Lady Earth. But wait a minute. Listen, you're a cowboy. I don't want to put this on you.

Don't put anything on me unless it's a 10-gallon hat. This... I'm with you, buddy. See, that's the sorts of witticisms and observations about life on the range that you'll find in my book. You know what I'm not seeing in this poem? Which is called, You Must Buy Your Wife at Least as Much Jewelry as You Buy Your Horse and Other Poems and Observations Humorous and Otherwise from a Life on the Range. Yeah. By who? By me, Dalton Wilcox, cowboy poet, poet laureate of the West. Self-declared. What?

So, wow, it's a lonely life, huh? How often, how many times a day do you think about this? About what? About... Suicide? Yeah.

Gosh, how many times are there in a day? Wow, that's a great question. Yep. You know? That could be the title of my next book. How many times are there in a day in other observations, humorous and otherwise, from life on the plains? That seems to have a lot of this book's titles. Yeah. Do you get depressed a lot? Sure I do. Always depressed out there with your horses, your only companion, and vampires killed your wife, and now apparently maybe even your girlfriend, and...

It's hard work. Yeah. Yeah. Jason? Andy. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Andy. Are you okay? What are you doing? My name is Dalton Wilcox. Andy. Andy. I got to ask you a question, Andy. What are you talking about? This is your 10th appearance, 12th appearance on the show. For a character who would like to end his own life. I'd like to point out Dalton Wilcox didn't bring it up.

Andy. He didn't bring it up, but it was going to. You jumped at the chance. That's called yes and. Everybody understands that. Even the cowboy. We're here because we love you. We're here because we love you. We're not taping this episode. What? The cameras aren't on. Dustin is not real. Well, then how are people going to know to buy my book? You must buy your wife more jewelry. Andy, there is no book. There's no book. You buy your horse. Andy, is everything okay at home? What's going on?

I was listening to a number of past appearances and a lot of people would not notice this unless they're super fans of the show. But Andy Daly, comedian who's sitting across the table from us. I don't know who that is. Nope, it's you, Andy. Every time he's on the show, he alludes to committing suicide in some way or some form. Every character you portray is a cry for help and we all...

I don't know who I don't know why you're talking I don't play any characters I'm just Andy drop it drop that accent drop that fucking accent you need to face what's going on you can't stop me from killing myself I'm gonna jump out this goddamn window don't jump out the window get away from the window no no no Andy oh my god he stayed in character the whole time he did it that was the most bravest death I've ever seen

He stayed in character the entire time. I don't even understand what I just saw. He just went out the window. I really thought we were going to confront him and he was going to... We were going to tell him we loved him. Did we ever tell him we loved him? We should have told him we loved him. He was my best friend. He was your best friend? Some of his characters were. I mean, he was an acquaintance of mine. Wow, that is intense. Well, that's too bad, huh?

That is too bad. All right. Well, I guess there's only... Oh, hold on. Somebody's joining us. It's me, Don Gemello, theatrical director. Andy, how did you survive that? Andy, Andy. What are you talking about? Andy.

Andy, stop it. Stop it. Why are you guys calling me Andy? How did... I know we're only on the first floor. How did you survive that? What are you talking about? Oh, wait. I just answered my own question. We're on the first floor. I totally forgot about that. And when he fell, maybe did that knock him into Don DeMillo? Oh, my gosh. Guys, I don't know what you mean, but I've just stopped by here because I wanted to... Are you promoting something? Nope. Just want to jump out this window and show myself. No, Don. Don. Don. Don't do it. Andy. Andy.

Oh my god. Oh my god, he did it. He did it again. I'm not as concerned now. I don't want to look out the window. Oh, he's back. Hello? Who's here? It's me, Hot Dog. Oh, Hot Dog's here. How's it going, you guys? Hey, I know you. Why'd you drop by? Just here to kill myself. Oh, there we go. Oh my god! I'm not as concerned because I love that it's happening again.

He falls a lot longer than what I would consider to be the first floor. I know. Who's this? It's me, August Lint. Out the window. The original suicidal character. Wow. What a treat. What a treat for the fans. So many suicides. Danny Mahoney, out the window. Danny Mahoney, there he goes. Hi.

Wow! Oh no! And a historic appearance here. Oh no! I hope the next guy doesn't have a bunch of heavy coats on. Bill Carter, trainer to the stars. Oh, he's gone too! Wow! Oh, boy. Bill Carter. I wish I could remember his website. Trainer to the stars at... Oh, wait, who's here? The Irish guy with the poems out the window! Doesn't even remember his own name! Wow. Okay.

Well, hopefully one of these days Andy will come back in here and we can... I'm really genuinely worried about Andy. And I'm the British guy who made a brief appearance on the episode. Oh, the U2 guy. He writes U2's bridges. He writes the mid-late breaks. Jump out the window. There we go.

All right, well, what a show, huh, Jason? Wow. Crazy, huh? The thing I'm a little worried about is I don't think we got through to Andy. I don't think we did, but at least it was entertaining. At least we did. And a treat for the fans. A cavalcade of Andy Daly suicidal characters. Number four. Yeah, Andy. R.I.P. R.I.P. possible? R.I. possible?

Andy Daly in the grave now. That is, yeah. It's a shame, too. It's a shame. That's why he hasn't been on. His television show on Comedy Central will be airing posthumously in the new year. That's right. His show, what is it called again? Review with...

With someone's name. Yeah, Forrest something. But it's coming on Comedy Central next year in 2013. Andy, one of the funniest guys in the world. Living. Living, of course. And Guy, I said, of course. Yes, that's true. Yeah, so many disclaimers for him. That's right. So many qualifiers. Tell you what, why don't we take a break? When we come back, we will count down from three to one. What do you say, Paul? I say let's do that. Let's do that now. Boop, threep. Brow. Brow.

Hey everyone, Scott Aukerman here, and if you're like me, you're sitting around with probably 25 to 50 great website ideas.

You have so many ideas, you want to get them out, but what's the worst part of having a website idea? Translating it and actually making a website. Oh, it's so hard to do. Well, guess what? Not anymore. Our friends at Squarespace, you know what that is, a do-it-yourself website builder that allows you to make a website or blog in just a few minutes. They have a great website.

They give you a free domain name. They handle all of the hosting. And they have 24-hour customer support. Bother them at any time. They legally have to take your call. Everything on Squarespace is drag and drop, so it's incredibly easy to use. You can drag pictures straight from your desktop and create custom layouts with multiple columns and text that wrap so beautifully.

perfectly around your images and videos just wrap it around those and feel so good the templates are customizable to your own look and feel and they let your content do all of the talking plus get this you can switch to a different template at any time like brushing the dirt off your shoulders

Another thing that's really special about Squarespace is that the website you create is going to scale automatically to fit perfectly on an iPad, an iPhone, a computer, and pretty much any other device.

Pull content from your blogs. Push your content back out to your social networks. They don't care. Do it! Their unlimited plans offer the best value with unlimited pages, galleries, and blogs, unlimited storage, bandwidth, and contributors. You know what? Enough talking about it. Go to squarespace.com slash bangbang to start your free trial, no credit card required. And then...

Once you get on there and you're going to want to decide to purchase it, click enter an offer code below the pricing at checkout to enter the offer code HOTDOG to get a 10% discount. That is squarespace.com slash bangbang, offer code H-O-T-D-O-G, and I'll see you at Squarespace.

Comedy Bang Bang, welcome back. Again, I'm sorry. You're stepping on my lines, mister. I don't know why that happens. I don't know why that happens. Hey, mister. Woo.

Austin Powers. No. Who's his name? Ace Ventura. Austin Powers. Ace Ventura. Oh, Ace Ventura. Hey, mister. Do you remember there was a Mr. Show wrapping party? Oh, my God. Paul and I used to work on Mr. Show together. Yes. Not at the same time. Well, I mean, you were acting on it. I was acting on the season when you were writing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly. But there was a wrap party for one season. Was it the last season? No.

Well, the very last season we had Corey Feldman's band play. Yeah. And it was a bummer. Well, yes. Along those lines, there was maybe the season before they had hired lookalikes. Two Ace Ventura lookalikes.

And a Michael Jackson lookalike? I think the Michael Jackson ones were the Corey Feldman year. Okay, yes. The Ace Ventura lookalikes, and they were meant to roam the party and entertain us. Yeah. Yeah, but it was kind of fun. I enjoyed hearing all their catchphrases. For how long, though? All righty, then. They were doing a crazy laugh or whatever. Do you fancy a shag? My wife.

Someone requested a strung together clips of all the times we say my wife on the show. A super cut of those? A super cut of my wife's. And I can tell you, I do not want to go through and look up the time code for all those. Who would? And also just hearing it by itself, it's all going to sound the same for the most part. It's just going to be my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife, my wife. There, you just saved everybody a lot of time. But if you want to make a super cut, have at it. I can't do it myself. Hey, if you're a mentally ill person...

Here's something to occupy your time. Put down your perpetual motion machine and work on this for a minute. Stop looking at people as if they're the devil and plotting ways to discourage them from the earth. Scourge them. Purge them. Purge them. What is going on with your mouth? I'm hungry. I haven't eaten lunch yet. Discourge.

Remember from SNL? That great sketch? Hey, Paul. What's up, Cha-Cha? Hey, Cha-Cha. Before we get back to our countdown, I think it's time for another... Bonus Clip.

This bonus clip comes to us from episode 161. And 161, I believe, was our it was the episode that we premiered during the Comedy Bang Bang TV show. The Comedy Bang Bang TV show. I haven't mentioned it on this particular episode yet, but it premiered on IFC in the summer of.

Very funny show. Of this year. Thank you very much. I would have loved to have appeared on it. Too bad you weren't. Unfortunately, our good friends Andrew Lloyd Webber, he was on it and Cake Boss was on it. Cake Boss? But we'll try to get you on there in season two if there ever is one. I hope so. If there ever is one, I would love to appear on the show sometime. Okay. We'll try for that. Actually, well, but yeah. So what am I saying? Beep. Beep. I went into a robot. Well, actually, ha-ka, ha-wa, ha-kee, ha-poo. Ha-poo.

What?

Guys, if this is your first episode listening to the show, I apologize. And if this is your last episode listening to the show, I don't blame you. I understand.

That was fun, though. I enjoyed it. And hey, I hope that if it's your first time to the show, you're enjoying us having a good time. What's more important to people consuming entertainment than that the entertainers themselves are enjoying themselves? That's right. When I watch The Deer Hunter, I want to know that Meryl Streep and Robert De Niro had some laughs on the set. Yes, they had a great time.

Well, how often do you think people laughed on the set of The Deer Hunter? Oh, so much. I bet every take it was just like, I can't do this. How about that movie The Rabbit Hole with Aaron Eckhart and Nicole Kidman that was about a dead child? Do you think that anyone laughed once? Do you think there was any bloopers? Like where somebody's like...

You're blaming me for his doof. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I said doof instead of death. Do you think that in Dune, did they ever say like one down instead of one Dune? Probably. Oh, that's a blooper I want to see on the David Lynch cut. Do you want to see the David Lynch Dune bloopers or do you want to see the TV movie miniseries Dune bloopers? Both next to each other and on top of each other. Now we're talking about a supercut. I can get behind. Ha ha ha ha.

Oh, what are we saying? Oh, this is a bonus clip. I don't fucking know. It's a bonus clip. Yeah, it comes to us from episode 161 when the TV show premiered. Our good friend Tim Heidecker from Tim and Eric, awesome show, great job. T-Hides. He came by. Reggie Watts, my one-man band leader, came by. Also, Andy Daly was there and John Daly, the Daly twins. All the Daly's. The Dales. They were both there. That's rare that you have both Daly's at the same time. Oh, yeah. I mean, they kept leaving the room and coming, you know, then the other one would come in.

Yeah, I don't know. Curiouser and curiouser. It was. Anyway, so this is from episode 161. Tim Heidecker, he is going to, this clip, he tells us all about his new projects. And you hear Reggie Watts and I. This guy's always got something going on. He's got something going on. And speaking of Woody Allen, I don't want to spoil it, but he's got a new project. Why would you spoil it? Don't spoil it for people. I love you. Don't let them discover it on their own.

own. I love you. Why do you want to spoil? We're living together, you know? You know? I'm a weird sociopath. I'm incapable of feelings, but I love you. Come on. I wanted to be a friend of the show. All right. So here we go. This is a bonus clip.

But anyways, but yeah, so China was cool. I could talk about that a little bit if you want. Well, I mean, we don't have to if you, I mean, you obviously just got back. Maybe you want to process it a little bit. You want to wrestle with whatever you were dealing with over there. No, I mean, it was like a, for me, it was like a dream come true.

come true i guess yeah but we don't have to talk about it a lot of people like to internalize those kind of things and they don't like well you know what i found is a lot of people if they share experiences they're no longer their own you know so we don't have to talk about it if you don't want to talk i do i want to tell people it's kind of cool it's kind of cool it's actually kind of cool it was cool yeah i went to it was a woody allen movie

You were doing a Woody Allen movie. I booked a Woody Allen movie. Congratulations. He's doing those in China now. Well, this film takes place in China. He had his European period. Well, no. Okay. Let's see. He had his American period. Right. We all know Annie Hall, for instance. Okay. In my opinion, that's when he started to become a little bit more of a serious filmmaker.

Maybe it's just me, but for me, that's where he sort of put aside the kind of broad comedy, and he just delved into more personal themes. Definitely. I mean, that might be just me. So then he went to England, and he did some films. Match point. Match point, yeah. And maybe it's just me, but for me, he really kind of reinvigorated himself as a filmmaker then. Sure. He'd been getting into a little bit of a rut, but in my opinion, just my...

my personal opinion, he just sort of sparked into something that was a, a new kind of, and then he went over to Europe, you know? Yeah. Vicky Barcelona, Vicky Barcelona, forget Paris. Um,

A couple other great movies. The Rome. The pizza Rome. Down Under. Down Under in Rome. No, no. Quigley Down Under? No. Is that one of his? But this is his first movie in China. It was a completely new experience for him and me. I'd never been there. And it was a small part, but they wanted everybody there for the whole shoot. Oh, I understand that. So you've done a Woody. That's every actor's dream. It's called Ching Chong Matinee.

And it's, I don't know when it's going to come out, probably in the fall. Ching Chong. Ching Chong matinee. Matinee. With Howie Mandel, Tony Roberts, Jackie Chan, Jennifer Aniston, Jason Alexander, and myself.

Tony Roberts is back in Woody Allen. That's big news. Yeah. It's cool. It's like it's B&W. It's silent. It's – Oh, black and white. Yeah, because he kind of – he was at the – Woody told me the story. He was at the Oscars and saw the artist like for the first time. At the Oscars? Yeah.

They played it after the Oscars? He had saw the clip at the Oscars. A lot of people don't know that right after the Oscars, they play the best picture. Yeah, they have a screening of it. Just so, yeah. The TV can't show it because they don't have the licensing rights for it.

Anyways, he was kind of blown away by the way that looked and the whole style. Well, it was black and white and it was silent. Yeah. So he wrote this script about a bunch of Chinese people that do an opera based on the Kung Fu Panda. The cartoon movie, the DreamWorks? Yeah. Kung Fu Panda? Uh-huh. So they do an opera based on that movie. Mm-hmm. Okay. But it's silent.

The movie is silent. Yeah. So why? Okay. So it's just all of you, all of the actors open their mouths and pretend you're singing and what? And it was like, you know, he's always kind of pushing boundaries and we all were made up to look like Chinese people. Hmm. Okay. So, but now Jackie Chan, does he play the panda then? Because I would imagine he doesn't need the makeup. Yeah.

You know, he plays the president. He plays President Clinton, who comes to... What's this now? You're getting emotional. I just got a jet lag. Yeah, we'll get you that coffee. Don't worry. So he plays President Clinton, who... Yeah.

comes to the aid of the panda, I would imagine? No, he's going to the premiere of the opera. Oh, okay. Oh, I see. So it's not... It's Jason Alexander's, like, the Woody character in the movie. Got it, got it. So he's, like, the main actor in the opera. And he's, like, very neurotic and falls in love with Jennifer Aniston, who plays the female lead.

Right, right. The female lead in the Kung Fu Panda opera. Yeah. Okay. And I play just a stagehand. I'm like, I have no lines. Well, nobody has any real lines, but I'm on screen for like four minutes. Four minutes? If you don't have any lines, what are you doing on screen for four minutes? That's a long time, actually. Well, I mean, throughout the whole film. Like, there's four or five moments where I come out and move scenery around.

Oh, okay. And I give some looks, sort of like classic comedy, like double takes and stuff. Okay. What's going on? I mean, can you spoil it? What's going on? I probably shouldn't. I mean, Woody keeps things so segregated, so I don't know what anybody else is doing really. There's a lot of innuendo and a lot of rumor going around about what's going on, but it was fantastic. Right.

And it was like two hours, like three or four hours of makeup, like getting it on and getting it off every day. What for? You were just playing a stagehand. I was playing Chinese. Oh, Chinese stagehand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they have the prosthetic eyes and the skin coloring and the wig and everything. It's all very... Yeah. I mean, you're not even going to recognize me. I look completely different, like a real Chinese man.

Gosh. I guess that's exciting. I don't know. Reggie, what do you think about this? I think it sounds... I mean, I really enjoyed Tango in Paris tonight. I think that it's... Last Tango in Paris? Yeah. That was a good Woody. I love Woodies. Well, yeah. I mean, he has yet to make a bad movie. They've all been good. His track record. He's 100%. Yeah. He's like...

He's like a track team that wins every match. That's how good his track record is. I'm happy to be back. I'm happy to be a part of it. Yeah. Are you reading from a press release? Yeah. Well... Yeah, so why did you pull out a piece of paper or something?

as you started saying that? Because the last thing he said to me, we all sort of took the same flight back and we were getting dropped off in the super shuttle. And he said, make sure if you're going to do any podcasts today, make sure you just say whatever I just said, which was I had a great time. It was a great experience. So is a lot of the cast are doing podcasts? Yes.

That's generally what happens when you come back from an overseas shoot, sort of as a standard operating procedure. Maybe I could get Jason Alexander on the show, or Howie, or even Jack. Wait till you see Howie Mandel in this movie. He plays the panda.

Oh, he's the panda. Yeah. But he's a panda in the opera. What does he play in the behind the scenes? Well, that's the thing. It's a little bit like what goes on behind the scenes of a Chinese opera in Beijing. And it's unbelievable. The food and the people. The food is a big part of this. Yeah. It becomes like that movie Big Night. You know, the...

Yeah, about the dinner that... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I saw it. Stanley Tucci. Yeah, touchy. It becomes all about the food, the Chinese food. Okay. Because Woody became obsessed with Chinese food. He loves New York Chinese food, of course, Chinatown. Sure. You'd have that on Christmas a lot, I bet. And every night after a shoot, we'd go back and he'd order takeout and we'd watch Bob Hope movies and just have so much fun just talking about the great work we did that day. So it sounds like the plot got derailed somewhat...

Just by his love of Chinese movie or Chinese food, rather, he it just got derailed to where the how much of the movie is about Chinese food. That's the thing is, if you know anything about Woody is like sort of there's a script and there's an idea, but that he's so willing to let things go wherever they go.

So, you know, Annie Hall, the classic story that that was not what the movie was supposed to be about. Right. I remember that Diane Keaton, she walked into a scene and she just riffed. My name is Annie Hall. Right. And he said, we got something. We got something here. So that's what it became. And I think after a couple of days of shooting with this opera and the silent stuff and Woody and the producers, Chinese producers were kind of like, what is this? This isn't working.

So then it became about improv. It became about take out Chinese. And Jason is such a great improviser. He is. He's one of the best. He could do the Woody things. So he'd be like, you know, he'd be riffing on Woody, Woody-isms as we say on set. Yeah, yeah. Like, you know, this Chinese food is worse than Auschwitz, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah. And everybody would be screaming. What would Woody do when he would riff stuff like that? Would he laugh? He'd scream. He'd be like, this is the best.

This is the best experience. Would he like high five anyone or? Yeah. I mean, he just would start running around screaming. Like he brought one, one was funny. Um, one day it was funny. I can't remember what Jason was. He was very tired and he was pit. He was actually pissed. Oh, Jason was. Oh, and, uh, he said, Jesus. And,

And Woody thought he was hurt himself in his headphones. And he started screaming and just jumping up and down. We were all laughing. That's a funny story. That's a great story.

That's one of the best stories I think I've heard. One of the best show business stories I think I've heard, at the very least. Yeah, you have to be there, of course. Not really, no, the way that you told it. To hear Jason just go, Jesus! And, you know, Woody goes, woo! Woo! And freaks. Yeah. And his headphones come because he wears the headphones as a director and everything. Monitor sound. And he just starts running around. He ran right out into the street.

Right out into the Chinese streets. And he said, I'm home. He goes, I'm home. Is he moving there? Who knows?

Oh, such a great clip, huh? What a bonus that was. It really was a bonus. It was extra. It really was a bonus. Yeah. All right, Paul, it's time to count down. We're now at our top three, Paul. Can you believe it? I can't believe it, Scott. Voted on by the listeners. My life, what's happened? I'm an old man.

This episode, it's time for number three. Number three. Number three. Oh, we're here at it. And a lot of people, when this came out, they said, can you top this episode ever? I remember these fools. This may be the best episode of all time. No, it came in at number three. It's relegated to the three heap. The three heap. Yay!

Okay.

Guys, I apologize once again. I do not for this one. Oh, good. No, I think that was better than the last. No regrets. It's better because we said threep a lot. Yeah. The rule of threeps. Comedy rule of threeps. All right. It creeps the threep.

Speaking of threeps and things that rhyme with threeps, this is the episode called Out of Bleeps. Oh, this is a fantastical one. This was a great episode. Amy Poehler from Parks and Recreation. Absolutely hilarious. Old friend. All-time legendary hilarious. One of the funniest people in the universe. Absolutely. Living. And...

And she's a friend of the show. She came and did this. It's true because Sam Kinison has passed. So she moved up a ranking. So she assumes the mantle. Yes.

She was on the TV show, and she graciously spent so much time filming with us, and that episode of the TV show is one of my favorites. This is one of my favorite episodes of the podcast. This is an episode where first she came, and before this clip she came, and we talked about Parks and Recreation a lot. And our good friend Jason Manzoukas is also on this show. This guy's a hilarious lunatic. He is.

You know him as Rafi from The League. That's right. You know him if you saw The Dictator with Sacha Baron Cohen. He's The Dictator's friend. The Dictator's best friend. And Jason is one of the funniest people in the world. Boundless energy. And so the

The two of them bouncing off each other previous to this clip. Old improv buddies from New York. Already that's a great show. Yeah. Right there. What can we throw into that mix, Scott, to make it even better? Well, all of a sudden, then we throw someone by the name of Tom Likas. Disgusting radio host. Who used to be on KFI.

And, uh, I think he's a, he has a podcast now. He talks about it in this clip, I believe. So, uh, Tom Likas gets thrown into the mix and, um, has a little sexual connection with Amy. I don't want to spoil it, but, uh, why wouldn't you say?

Why would you think they got a sex-tion-ection? A sex-tion-ection? Yeah. Sexual connection. But let's hear it. This is your episode three. Your episode three. What am I saying? Like, Star Wars here. Ha ha ha!

Speaking of Star Wars, episode three. No, this is your number three. Let's hear it out of bleeps. Number three. All right. Well, let's get to our next guest here. You know him as the host of a certain program who was on KFI and then CBS radio. A talk radio personality currently moving over to podcasts, I believe. You got it. Please welcome Tom Likas to the show. First time on the show. Thank you, son. Thank you.

Son. You got it. Here we are in Hollywood, California, coming at you with a Tom Likas radio program on the Earwolf Comedy Network. No, this isn't. No, this is not. This is not the Tom Likas radio program. One Tom hundred Tom hundred Tom is your toll-free telephone number. We're taking calls and putting bitches in their place. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. This is going to be a... I've never heard your show, Tom. How long has it been on the air? Oh, it was all the... The question is how long has it been off

Well, that's not really what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about? I don't think he's answered anything clearly at all. Listen, I am the professor in the classes in session. Are you ready for Likas 101? Well, I'm excited to meet Tom because I've heard... I bet you are, dear. Because I've heard his show in a lot of cabs. I bet you have. Do you get off to it? Uh...

Women love me. You know what I'm talking about? Because my wallet is well hung.

Oh, you know, I find that most women aren't really attracted to someone because of money. You know, it's really personality. Oh, sure. You sound like a shrill, shrieking shrew. You're calling it so I can't see it, but I bet you're a big one. No, no. Actually, she's right there. The woman who is speaking. I know. I can't see her over the phone, but she sounds like a real porker. She's sitting right in front of you. One and one half foot away from you. I don't care. I'm going to try to not. You know what? I'm going to try to not.

going to do? I'm going to practice some Buddhist stuff I've been working on, trying to not engage, not get hooked by this guy. How did you get into Buddhism? It got into me. Amy, do you have a little book of Buddhist sayings? I do, and they might apply. Do you rub his belly? Yeah, see, this guy's going to hook me a little bit. It's going to be tough, but I'm going to try to just stay in the present moment. You know, sweetheart, samsara is nirvana. That's what I tell all my bitches. Oh, boy. So for people who don't know who you are,

You are a talk show host that I guess you're disgusting? Is that how you would describe yourself? I don't describe myself as a man. It was broadcasting. And you're a man? That men could relate to. You're a man-themed show, in other words? It's a man-themed show, and I never had any problems with ratings when it came to men. Right. You know what I'm talking about?

Well, you know, I find that most women... I like the same things these guys like. It's not like I like all gender-specific stuff. I'm sure there's something... Of course you do. Of course you do. You like everything but in the receiving end. I know women better than they do. Why? Because I've been signing racks and porking butts.

Oh, boy. Porking butts? Well, see, if you know women more than they do, I would think you'd be porking vaginas. Not only have I been porking butts, I started a factory farm for it. You know what I'm talking about? No. I got butts lined up like Hillshire Farm pork cutlets. Is it organic? Everything I do is organic.

Amy, you must like some, you know, female-specific things. Yeah, sure. I mean, I guess I do. You know, I love, um, I mean, you know, I'll watch Sex and the City on reruns. Of course you will. And then you expect that lifestyle from a man that you're dating to support you and have you live that way like you want to live. I don't know what kind of women you've met, Tom, but actually all the women I know are very self-sufficient. All the best women in the world.

I'll promise you that right now, sweetheart. Are you married? I'm not married. I don't believe in marriage. Really? Marriage is for women to get their hooks into a blah blah blah. Into a what now? Into a blah. Into a blah? Into a blah. What if? Let me tell you something about men. By the way, I don't know any little kids out there want to go to the broadcasting.

Very important, though, that you can put the letter L in any word. Learn how to roll your tongue. Because I was going to ask that because a lot of times you're saying something that makes sense. One time, 100, time, 100, time. Please don't call. There's no phone lines. There's no phones. Please don't call. This is a podcast. We got open lines and we got bitches in chains. We don't have anyone in chains. I feel a lot of pain from Tom. You know what I mean? I feel like he's having a... He's kind of...

I feel like he's striking out because he's been hurt. Oh, yeah. What's your background? I mean, have you ever been in love? I convinced myself when I was in love. I used to be a loser. I used to fall for women. At least turn me down. And let me tell you something. After I developed Lichus 101...

Everything came back to me. I'm scoring with chicks whose mothers turned me down. Oh, what's like this one? And then I'm dragging them around in front of their mothers and making a big scene about how I've degraded their daughters.

That doesn't sound healthy. Doesn't that turn you on, Scott? Actually, it kind of does. You do like degradation. To have that kind of power over the woman. What is Like Us 101? I confess that I am sort of ignorant about your broadcast. I don't really know that much about you. You don't need to know about me. All you need to know is that your dick needs to be slobbed. And if you're going to slob it right, you better be a real slob like a coil of a couch.

I guess one of the ways that men learn how to have sex are the women. Oh. Because that's what men are supposed to do. I feel like I'm doing it the right way. I got married. I'm having sex with my wife. Oh, oh. You got married.

You're doing everything that your wife wants you to do. I've been there, friend. Let me tell you something, son. Pretty nice, yeah. Yeah, let me tell you something, son. She will poke holes in those condoms and you will have a baby and you will be hooked for life. That's what women learn genetically. We're actually trying to have a baby. We're having trouble with it. No holes in the condoms necessary. How do you learn something genetically? I've been trying for about 15 months. I think if it's genetic, it's really...

You don't learn something genetically. I've got the microphone. I've got the microphone and I've got a microscope. And I'm looking at the microscope down at the genetic level, the subatomic level. And I've seen...

I have seen the schemes that female chromosomes have. Down on the chromosome alone. Scheming chromosomes. See, what I hear from this is... The X chromosome. I think Tom's still in love with his ex-wife. That's what I hear. I'm sorry, Tom, but you've talked about you've been there before, and I assume that means you've been married before. I would not say... I don't love...

my ex-wife. What I do is I have a series of Google alerts just to make sure that I'm fully informed of how much of a bitch she is. Just in different spellings in case someone misspelled. Let me make something very clear. I don't have an ex-wife. I have a room full of ex-wives. That's how popular I've been. Why do you marry them if you're just... I don't get it. There is nothing to make a bride feel more submissive.

than knowing on her wedding day that you're gonna dump that bitch! Well,

We'll be back with more of your calls. No, we won't. No, we won't. We don't have any calls. We're not taking a break. We're going to hear a little out of the Earwolf Network. Let's take a look for some of our sponsors. Deadbeatdads.com. Deadbeatdads.com. Tom, if your son is going to grow up to be a man, he better have an example. Log him in at deadbeatdad.com and get 50% off next time you push a woman.

I just want to make clear, if you're just tuning into the show for the first time because you saw Amy, a big star, your favorite television star is on the program, you know, you love her light, her life on Parks and Recreation. If you're just tuning in. This is not the kind of person that I want on this show. I mean, he's interrupted this program. Scott, we were in negotiations for three months. You tried to keep me off the air just like CBS Radio did. But guess what? The people rose up and demanded it.

You may not like what I do, but you're going to love me or you're going to hate me. And that's why people tune in. I kind of hate you. And you keep tuning in? Just so I'm clear on that sponsor, deadbeatdads.com, you log the name of your child into the site? You put your child's name on the site.

So now you, the dad, are registering. So it's for deadbeat dads. You're voluntarily registered as a deadbeat dad. You have a support network. If you're interested in being a deadbeat dad, the first place you would look would be deadbeatdad.com. If you need somebody to pick up your kid from an adjacent county where there's an outstanding warrant and you can't cross that county

line, other deadbeat dads will step up to the plate. Oh, okay. All I hear is, please love me, please love me. I mean, that's just all I'm hearing. You know, I think Tom is an empty vessel. It's very hard. You are hearing what you want to hear, dear. I've heard it all before from people like you. You take a man out, you size him up and see how big his wallet is. His wallet. His wallet.

Might as well. And then you try to dip your nylons right into his fucking butthole. Right. What? Wait. Dip them? How would one dip? Every woman wants to dip nylons into my butthole, and I've turned them down 90% of the time. Okay, first of all, I've never heard of that. Secondly, that 10%, you're letting women dip nylons into your butthole? And I'm doing great.

I feel like that's something you want. Let me tell you something. We do often talk about what we want as if we don't want it, but he is asking for what he wants. I feel like you're projecting a lot. I don't project anything. If anything, I am the screen upon which men project their fantasies. I don't know. A lot of men thank me verbally while they're scoring with chicks.

Really? While they're doing it? Yeah. A lot of men scream out, thank you, Tom. Blow me up, Tom, as they're getting blow. What's blow me up, Tom? They don't blow me up, Tom. Well, that's my website. Blowmeuptom.com. And for a while, there was a denial of service attack, and we had to scale it back to blowmetom.com. But it's back up. We have blowmeuptom.com. Well, blow me, Tom, must have been a very...

A very difficult site for you to have. Well, that's fine, but that was when I was off the air. That was when CBS bowed to the women. I never had a problem with male ratings. I'm going to make that clear. And I don't know if I'm talking about hostile, but you're not my sampling of my audience. You're a woman, and you're a woman. You're a little woman, and you're too. You're a little. Don't bring your sides into this. You're a dirty. Thank you. You're a dirty. You're a dirty little hairy little woman. Thank you.

I like that. Yeah, I do like that. You're a little piglet. And you're too big. Amy is beaming from ear to ear. This is such a strange reaction. I don't know why, but I'm getting... Okay, this is going to be really weird. You're a squealing little shrew. Guys, this is going to sound really weird. I'm a little attracted to Tom right now. Don't know. I know this is weird. Don't fall into this. I don't know why. This is it. This is working. This is working. We're down here in Hollywood. We're siding racks.

This is activating your bad boy complex. There's just something about him calling me a little piglet. Meanwhile, guys like me who are nice to women, we can't get anything going. We can't have a baby even though we've been trying for 15 months. I'm a lovely, generous man, hopelessly single. Do you want to go out on a date with me, Amy Poehler? No, I don't, Tom. I bet you do. Let me tell you something. I'm going to take you to the cheapest, dirtiest place off of Lincoln Boulevard that I can find. Well, it does feel like...

On Lincoln Boulevard? Lincoln Boulevard. Santa Monica? No, in Venice, on the Los Angeles side. You got it. Okay, so just adjacent to Santa Monica. Something about his confidence. I don't know. I don't know. Guys, I can't explain it. It's confidence born of insecurity. Let me tell you something. You know that a sad, insecure man is within here. You're right. You're right. I may be sad. I may be insecure, but I get laid balls deep.

You ever get laid balls deep, Jason? Meaning, does my entire penis go inside? And the balls? The balls go right in real smooth. So wait a minute, you have your balls in her vagina while she has her nylons in your butthole? Are you looking under the table because we are getting it on? Who is? No, that's not true, Tom. We should clear that up. That's not happening. Well, let me tell you something. I have my feet wrapped around your buttocks.

How would that even work? Feet wrapped around buttocks? I understand my arms wrapped around your body. Or my legs wrapped around your body. Entire feet? When I get into a coital position with a woman. Coital? A coital position with a woman. Yeah.

I unfold myself. Not unlike a Decepticon from Transformers. There are witches that come out. Which, by the way, are the bad guys. The bad boys in the Transformers universe. You better believe we're the bad boys. There is something about Tom. I, I,

I wrote him off at first, but now I know there's a decisiveness. Like every woman. You see? You're listening out there. All the like us heads out there. You're listening and you heard a woman, she didn't know what they're talking to me. And that's what they'll say at first. And they'll slap you and they'll push you away. There'll be a sexual harassment lawsuit. But they will come around.

and you will come on their face as they rip up that restraining order in front of you. Now he lost me. He lost me. That's how attractive they are. You're a little man. Who knows a little man? I'm so sorry, guys. Normally I would just bleep the terrible things he's saying out of the program, but we ran out of bleeps last week. You did? We're out of time for this segment. We'll be back after another round of commercials. We're out of bleeps. No, we don't. No, that's not happening. I'm the one who throws. You're listening to the top. Top. Top. Top.

I'm Tom like a shoe. I don't care. All right, guys. Well, it's time for one of our favorite features on the show. And one of the first times we ever did it was the last time you were on the show, Amy. One Tom 100. Tom 100. Tom is our toll-free telephone number. Not that. Open lines, open legs. Nope.

It's actually time for the freestyle rap battle. Oh, I'm nervous about this. Oh, no. I'm afraid I might have a sophomore slump. You were so good last time. The best that you were a goat. You were greatest of all time last time. Thank you. I feel like I've got nowhere to go but down, but I'm really going to try my best. All right. So I have a suggestion from our intern, Caroline. She has written it on a piece of paper. I have not looked at it until now. And...

Scorpions. Really? All right. Boy, this is terrible. Too specific, I would say. But all right. We're going to go to... I guess I'll start it off. Let's see. Here we go. Turn me up. Turn me up in the headphones. Here we go. Okay. All right. All right.

Well, my name is Rappin' Scott, and I'm here to say it's fun to rap in a scorpion way. Put him in a pail, put him in a pail. Ooh, you gotta watch out for the tail. It'll sting ya on your finger.

and other places of your body body body body body wabi body body body body and then you'll be sick then you'll be sick you gotta get your dick out over to the doctor dicky doctor ticky tick doctor time to see the doctor get your doctor on i'm out all right amy oh boy this is tough

Okay. Hmm. Well, I don't enjoy exotic pets. You can bet all the rest better take my name. You know, I used to have a dog. I used to have a cat. I used to do that. I used to give them food. I used to change their moods. I used to be like, what's up, y'all?

Let's go get some shoes. I used to buy my dog some shoes. And he would walk down the street and be, what's up, bitches? Dogs are bitches. Female dogs are bitches. I'm not saying something bad. Female dogs are bitches. I got my riches. You better take it and buy me some more cars so I can break the sound barrier. When I drive fast, I can measure things, make sure that they last. I can talk about the future and the past because I'm on a bike.

What? Yeah. All right, Jason. I didn't talk about scorpions. It wasn't the theme.

Jason, what do you got? All right. DJ Zooks coming to the table to tell you a story about a fable. The scorpion, the tortoise. One needs to get across the river. The tortoise, he can swim.

The scorpion, he cannot. The scorpion asks the tortoise for a ride and the tortoise says, but you sing me. The tortoise says, how can I trust you? And the scorpion says, come on, man, be cool. Woo!

Yeah!

So many rhymes. So many rhymes. No rhymes. I didn't do a rhyme. I did a story rap. All right, like us.

My raps are fresh because my pussy is rotten. I get more pussy than your dad ever got. Oh, boy. I'm hip. I'm hop. I'm down with the cool. I'm ready to bust it like a nut with a fool. Oh. You're listening to the Tom Likeness Program. Oh, boy. Yeah, Tom really got into it.

Got deep there, I guess. Yeah, you really did. Call Condom Jungle. Call Condom Jungle for all your jungle condom needs. Wait, what are your jungle condom needs? A jungle condom need is when you're going so far deep into that pussy and you know you're not coming out civilized. Oh, boy. Yep, we've all been there. Great episode. Great episode.

episode. Tom, for our listeners with sensitive ears, I apologize. There was some language in there. Got a little salty. Got a little salty, but that's Tom Likas for you. Love him or hate him. That's how he's going to talk. Usually it's hate him. Yeah, hate him. 99.9% of the time. You should hate him. You really should. Yeah. But hey, friend of the show. Why would you hate him? We're not even sounding like Woody Allen anymore. Why would you hate him from beyond the grave?

Ghost of Woody Allen. These episodes that will occur or may occur. I don't know, you know. I just want them to occur. I just think that you and I. All right. Sorry about that. Let's tell you what. Let's regroup. Let's take a break. When we come back, we are going to have your number two and your number one. This is our last break. We're going to have two and one right after this. Oh, my God. Come on.

Well, I'll tell you.

The site is a collaboration between Adult Swim and the former writers of The Onion. What? That's right. You had me at former. You didn't even have to, you know, say writers. I just, I love anything that is retired.

Adult Swim, the former writers of The Onion, they've cooked up this site that features original comedy videos and articles with amazing comedic talent, including lots of friends of the show, okay? My friends and I were just watching the new series on cinema at the cinema with friends of the show, Tim Heidecker and Greg Turkington, a.k.a. Neil Hamburger. They are out there reviewing films like Twilight's Breaking Dawn, Part 2, Life of Pi, Red Dawn, Dorn...

You can also watch interviews with another friend of the show, Paula Tompkins, a lobster man, and more. That's interesting. A lobster man? I want to see an interview with a lobster man. Hopefully I've piqued your interest. ThingX.com is influenced by science fiction, horror, how-to videos, and everything you can find on the internet. So go there right now, ThingX.com, to check out Tim and Greg's On Cinema series and more. I'll see you at ThingX.

Comedy Bang Bang, we're back here with Paul F. Tompkins, and we're here, man. We're in the last two. We're at the top two. This is the home stretch, I call it. Yeah, that's right. I'm at home and I'm stretching. That's how I picture it in my mind. Let's do the seventh inning stretch here. Okay. Take me out to the ball game. All right, enough of that.

No, no, no. We're not going to do it. I would have done it. I know you would have. For the record, I would have sung the whole thing. I know. Okay. Threeps included. You sounded so weary. I know. We got to get to our number two and number one, though. But you know what? Before we do that, we don't got to get to it because let's do a... Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Oh, shit. I fucked it up. I fucked it up because I didn't say Onus. I hate myself. Take two. Here we go. That's just in addition to what's happening now. All right. Here we go. Ready? Take two. Oh!

Clips. So this is a bonus clip from episode 184. This episode came out the day before the election. Wow. Can you imagine such a thing? When we reelected President Barack Hussein Obamacare. Scott. Scott.

I feel as if you're injecting some political commentary. I don't mean to do that. And in fact, that's what this clip is all about. You'll hear basically what we have on this is Aziz Ansari from Parks and Recreation was on this episode. Yes. And my old singing group, we had a Capitol Steps type song.

Singing group back in the day called the Washington Monu gents, right? It's me It's Bob Odenkirk who you know from Breaking Bad Saul Goodman better call Saul Neil Campbell and Mike Hanford. We were all in this singing group where we sang political parody songs. Yeah, and I

The goal on all of these was to never take a stand and never let the audience know how we felt about whatever issue or whatever person we were singing about. Yes, because you want to keep yourself out of the political commentary. You're just saying, hey, all of us. We don't want to lose fans. Yes. You know what I mean? Like if all of a sudden we take a side, that's 50 percent of our audience.

audience we're saying goodbye to. That's absolutely right. You know what I mean? So we didn't want to do that. So let's hear, I thought it'd be fun to hear some of these Washington Monugent songs, which are quite simply terrible. Bonus! Clips. I'm sorry Aziz has to be here to catch my angry spit in his face. You're not supposed to take a stand, Hanford. Who do you think you are? Michael Moore? More, more, more.

Michael Moore, Michael Moore, Moore, Moore, Moore. Michael Moore, Michael Moore, Moore, Moore, Moore. How do you like Michael Moore?

Sarah!

Sarah Palin. Sarah. Sarah Palin. Good song. That was a whole song? No, I like how we end that one. That was a whole song. Right away. That was it. That was it. Bonus clips.

Boy, what do you think of those, Paul? Terrible. Quite simply. I called it. You know what you did? You were the first guy. But of course you were working from the inside out. That's right. Trying to make change from the inside. All right, Paul, let us waste no more time and let's get to our number two. Yeah. Number two. Number two, Paul, if you had to guess...

I don't know. What episode would be in here? The end of MASH? The final episode of MASH. Or are we talking about just strictly comedy bang-bang episodes? I think at this point, we're just going to have to call from... At this late date? Yeah. I'm going to say, I know there's one that I hope is not number two. It is not. You know the one I'm talking about. I do think I know which one you're talking about because number two is a little episode called 166. Called number one.

No, it is episode 166, and it's an episode called Farts and Procreation 2. Wow. Can you believe it? It's at number two. That's right. Number two is Farts and Procreation 2. Risky episode because...

It's a sequel. It's a sequel. The proposition is, can you recreate the magic, much less improve upon the magic of the first... I don't even want to... You almost got me to say it. Yeah, I almost got you. That was a close one. I tricked you into being on this best of podcast to see if I could get you to say the word fart. It's like I'm Mr. Mithlplix. From the fifth dimension? Yeah.

No, this is a sequel to an episode we did in 2011, which topped. It was number one on the 2011 Best Of. Yeah, yeah. Farts and Procreation. This was the sequel to it, and obviously we did not top it because it slipped to number two. No, but you almost met. I mean, that was a tall order. Pretty high up.

Pretty high up. It's almost as high as you can go. Just about, yeah. And this episode has three people from the Parks and Recreation show on it. It has star Adam Scott. That's right. It has non-stars yet writers Harris Whittles and Chelsea Peretti. Correct. Writers are not stars, nor will they ever be.

And the four of us got together and tried to recreate the atmosphere of the first episode that we all did together, which was crazy and a wild, loopy episode. I have a question for you after the clip. Okay, so this episode, we tried to recreate it. First of all, let's hear just a brief clip before we get into the main clip.

A smidgenette. Yes, this is because I believe we reference it in the main clip. But this is a song that Chelsea and I recorded backstage at the UCB called To True Mon Frere. To True Mon Frere. To True Mon Frere. To True Mon Frere. To True Mon Frere. To True Mon Frere. To True Mon Frere.

Great song right there. Undisputable. Already deserves number two. Absolutely. Just for having that song in it. I'll say it does. But this clip, this is in the first episode, Adam and Harris debuted their characters, Jack and Carl, two men who work together at the lumber yard. That's right.

So... What are their last names? There's Carl Sejunior and Jack Pieces. Or vice versa. I can't remember. I do care.

So in this clip, they're going to show us some new character work with some new great characters. Yeah. And some brand new voices, some brand new physicality. That's right. I mean, they're going to give Adam Pally a run for his money. So let's hear it. This is from Farts and Pro 2. This is your number two. Creek. Number two.

Should we debut our... Because Harris and I have a couple new characters. Yeah. Oh, you have some new characters. Oh, no wonder you wanted to get out of those skins so quickly. Yeah, we have new characters. Okay. These are two guys. Okay. And... Two guys? Anything more needs to be said about them? No, they're just two guys. They're two guys. So two males. Yeah, yeah. Okay, ready? Okay, great. Here we go. Debut of two new cracks. Slam. Open. Open.

Slam open can't seem to make up his mind Slam open just walk in sit down. Sorry for opening and closing the door so many times Yeah, I mean with this place is air-conditioned. Yeah, I have a bit. I have OCD oh Hi, hey, hi, you're you're a male. Yeah, you're a guy. Yeah, we're two guys. Okay. Hey, how are you? My name is blaze

His name is Blaze. Hey, Blaze. What's your name? Scott Aukerman. Hi, Scott. What's your name? Sarah. Hi, Sarah. I'm Blaze. Hi, Blaze. Hey. Three new cracks. No, I'm just kidding. Blaze. My name's Chelsea. Oh, okay. That's funny. I'm Blaze. Oh, that's funny. Good joke. Oh, thank you. Blaze, and what's your name? Rodney. It's Rodney Ogg, but my friends call me Rod Ogg. Rod Dogg. Rod Dogg. Okay. Yeah. Hey, Blaze. Hey, Rod Dogg.

How's it going? Great. Can I just say that you guys are both males? Yeah, yeah. Neither of you are women. Nah, we're guys. Yeah. Through and through. Full on dudes. Through and through. Cool.

So, um... What's up with you? What's your story? What happens? Chelsea, let's... Why do we talk about... I mean, you guys are strangers to us. Maybe we should hear about you. Yeah, it seems kind of intense to just say that to someone. Yeah, that you just met. Blaze wants to know what your deal is. Who are you? I don't know who Blaze is, and I definitely don't know who Raw Dog is. Rodney Ogg.

His friends call him Raw Dog. I bet they do. Yeah. Yeah, they do. Are we your friends yet? No. I'm Rodney to you. Okay, Rodney. Well, why don't you tell us what your deal is? We work for our livings?

Yeah. What our living deal is? Yeah, I mean, just what's your life like? Oh, well, we, I guess the nuts and bolts, we work at, you know, those little things on headphones, like the little plastic things that slide up and down to keep the headphones kind of together so they don't tangle? To keep the blue streams either apart or together? Yeah.

We call them bluestreams. They're just wires. Yeah. Oh, okay. I guess I don't know that much about headphones. Clearly. They're called Klimtons. All right, Blaze. You don't have to be so hot. You don't know shit about Klimtons.

You probably don't know a lot about my job. You put a Klimpton on a blue stream, slide it up and down. All right. And so, you know, it takes a machine to make those. Okay. We make the machines that make those machines. Oh, okay. We call the Klimpton, we call it a machine. Because what it's... Bill Klimpton? I'm sorry? Yes, they're named after him.

So you're not that far off. I love him. Yeah, he's the best. He's like the first black president. And he played sax on our sin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He died for our sin. When he was campaigning for his first...

run it by first I mean the second one in 96 sure he came by we all know what you mean he came by the factory and uh and said hey that's a great uh gadget you got going there and we thought well we should name this after him but we thought his name was Bill Clinton laughing

And we love Bill Plimpton's cartoons, too. And Martha Plimpton was also a dear friend of yours at the time, I heard. Yes. You know. Through the grapevine. You totally know about us already. Well, I just put it together. You're Blaze and... Rodney. Rodney. Rod Dogg. Yeah, I think we have a mutual friend. Who is it? Charlize. Do you know a girl named Charlize? Like a blonde girl? One of my good friends.

I only know one Charlize, and she's a movie star. I know Charlize Heen. Yeah, it's Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen? Charlize Heen. Is that how you say it? Sheen? Sheen? Charlize Sheen? Sheen? Charlize Sheen? Yeah, that's how you say it. Is he Armenian? Yes, Charlize Sheen. Charlize Sheen.

So we are friends with him. Oh, yeah. He said a bunch of stuff about you guys. Like good stuff? Not all of it. No. What did he say that was bad? He said like you guys are ball hogs in basketball when you guys play like on weekends. I remember he said raw dog's a ball hog. Yeah. Yeah. And he said that Martha Plimpton hanged out with you, but she didn't really like you. That's rough.

That's really shitty of him. That's really rough. Why would he say that? That is hurtful. So guys, what are you doing here? Oh boy.

I can't tell if she's crying because of that information she imparted. I'm about to cry outside. I love Martha Plimpton. I don't like knowing she doesn't like us. What'd she do? She had a breakdown. Raising hopes, Martha Plimpton? No, don't own a TV. Don't own a home. Oh.

Yeah. Well, at least your priorities are in order. We live in the Clempton factory. So you live where you work. Is it a work-live situation? Yeah. I just said we live in the Clempton factory, a live-work situation. It's literally 5 a.m. Oh, we got to go to work.

How many hours of sleep are we going to get now, raw dog? How do you know when you're working and when you're living? Well, we actually have a rule. If you're working, you always have to have a hard hat on. And if you're living, you always have to have a margarita. That's a great rule. Just for anyone out there. I think that's a great rule. Actually, our friends...

Our first album is called Hard Hats and Margaritas. Wait, you guys are musicians? Yeah. We have a bunch of albums. I didn't know that. Wait, Blaze and Raw Dog? I had no idea. Yeah, Hard Hats and Margaritas. Hard Hats and Margaritas. Yeah. Okay. Well, um... And what... You should tell them the name of our second album. So, the name of our second album, have you ever seen, um...

Like a sunset? Mm-mm. What is it? Shit. What is one? Actually, it's fine. The album's called You Gotta Check Out a Sunset. So I guess that definitely applies to you guys. Yeah. In parentheses, if you haven't seen one. Blaze, I'm going to have to insist that you give us the name of your third record. Yeah, you got to, man. Oh, the third record. When was the last time you guys went on a super long walk together?

through a city and then just to the outskirts where it turns into either the woods, the desert, or just like walking right into the ocean. Just depending on where the city is. I love that title. That's amazing. Very long. Wow. That's like Fiona Apple-esque. Yeah. I got to get back to my kids. How many kids do you have? Twelve. What are their ages? One, one, two.

One, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one,

So wait, you had, I don't even know what to call 11 identical. No, they might not be identical. You could have impregnated 11 women. Oh, that's true. No, I didn't. There was an 11 attempts. 11 attempts? 11 attempts to impregnate your wife once? It's called an 11-a-tumplet. Okay. 11-a-tumplet? And then an 8-year-old. And then an 8-year-old. Wow. You're a little married? An 8-year-old is the mother.

No. No, she's not. You have time to take that back. You can't take it back right now. We give you one take back in your improv. We had her artificially exhibited. You have one take back. Reminder. I didn't have sex with her. Still got that reminder floating out there. I didn't have sex with her. But we did put eggs and semen in it.

But raw eggs. OTB. So we did incubate 11 children inside of her. Also at the factory, we can do that. Yeah, at the Clinton factory? It's sort of a medical... Okay. Improv shows would be good if you allowed every performer one take back.

I say no take backs. What's an improv show? Number two. Oh, great clip, huh? It was a great clip. Here's what I want to ask you. Yes, sir. I'm at your disposal. Did... Oh, this is that time of year where you have to answer any question I ask. That's right. Yeah. New Year's Eve. Yeah, it's full moon. Um...

Did it feel the same? Did the energy feel the same as the first time you had that combination of people? It was just as fun. I will say I love doing stuff with those three people in that combination. It was just as fun. Obviously, Chelsea...

is laughing so hard. And I listened back to this last night and it's just as fun to listen to. She was trying to catch a plane, by the way, if you're wondering why she keeps saying she's late. She was like going to the airport right after this and it was just stretching on and on and we were getting weirder and weirder and crazier and crazier. I would have died of anxiety if I'd been in that situation. Why would she ever schedule that? Well,

It was the only time that we could do it, to get these four people in a room together, you know? It's like Halley's Comet, right? It's like all those times that you hear about, like, Paul McCartney was going to come over to John Lennon's apartment. That's right. You know, and they were going to jam together, but he never did. They were going to go eat instead some scrambled eggs. That's right. They were going to get together and just jam and hate each other like they used to. Hate some...

I'm thinking of eating some scrambled eggs. What do you think? Don't do it. I think you're a sellout for doing it. Oh, well, still, me mum likes them. Why don't you eat poached eggs? It's more artistic. Is that what you suggest, Jordan? Ah, we've always hated each other. Aren't you the biggest creep in the world? Isn't any creep bigger than me? Go back and listen to the 2011 Best Of for more from those two. I forgot about that.

But yeah, I mean, getting, look, I'm just glad that we were able to get all four of us back in a room together. Because they said it could not happen. Some people said it would not happen. Some people said it should not happen. These people were trying to prevent it from happening. It was like something out of Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Codes. But instead we played some could have, should have, would have with you. And we got us all back in the room together. And that's what we heard. That's right.

Well, Paul, I think that it is that time. Scott, thanks for having me. I will see you next year. No, no, no, no, my friends. There is one number yet to go. Before we get to this clip, may I give you an impression of my favorite moment from the movie Lincoln? Sure.

Blink colon. Where Tommy Lee Jones is hurling around the craziest old-timey insults that even back then, how could anyone be offended by? And I like how they all start with like a, will the respected senator from Des Moines realize that? Like such preamble on insults. And they're the most florid, ridiculous things. And I can't imagine even back then.

that anyone would be like, this is an outrage that you said this to me. I mean, we're in front of people and you say that to me? Yeah. And then everybody looks ridiculous, of course. Maybe that's why. They're all wearing foppish wigs. Yeah. And ridiculous mustachios. Tommy Lee Jones says something to this one guy and then the camera zooms in on this guy as he goes, How dare you!

I guess if you're willing to talk that way, I can see how you'd be insulted by somebody calling you some sort of a dressed up dog of a dandy doodle. You think they'd just drop it for me and go, hey, shut up, man. Fuck you. Fuck you.

Has anyone ever said, fuck you on the floor of the house? Whatever. Has it ever happened? Oh, man, I want to hear it. Has anyone ever gone, fuck you? That's a super cut I want to hear. All the times fuck you has ever been said on the floor.

Well, Paul, thank you for that. And that's all the time we have. We can't get to our number one. Sorry, you guys. I used up all the time. No, of course we have time for this. This is our and your number one. That's right. Number one. And it is from your 150th episode. A very special episode called Time Bobbies.

And Paul, this is one of your favorite episodes. This is a personal favorite of mine. I noticed on Twitter you got out the vote. You were beating the drums for this episode. I campaigned on behalf of this episode. Let me give a little backstory about the voting, by the way. I wish you would. This episode and Farts and Procreation 2...

were neck and neck. Literally one vote separating them and being constantly swapped. All of a sudden, Farts and Crow would be one vote ahead and then Time Bobby until you tweeted that you wanted people to vote for it and then all your fans came out and now it's about 300 ahead. So congratulations to you. Ha ha!

It worked. Well, I will say thank you to everyone who voted for this episode. I'm glad they did. This is one of my favorite episodes. I talked about it on the AV Club. I guess, what do they call that feature where I talk about, I talked about three episodes from it, and this is one that I picked that I wanted to talk about. Podmass? No, not Podmass, but something about like, hey, these are three episodes that I like from my podcast, and you get interviewed. Anyway, you can check

Oh, yeah, that segment. Yeah, that's up right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not familiar with that segment. Because I'm ineligible. You'll get there, Tompcast. It's not, hey, pick your favorite Tompcast episodes. Why not? That'll come. That'll come. They get to everything there. But no, this is one of my favorite episodes. Let me set the scene here a little bit. I had...

Friend of the show, Andrew Lloyd Webber is on. That's right. He is the writer of such musicals as Phantom of the Opera. Yes. Cats. Yes. Jesus Christ Superstar. Yes. Joseph and his amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Not Les Miserables, as I assumed for many years until someone just pointed out to me like, no, it's not. Should have been. Yeah. Seems like. Get on that, ALW. Yeah. Hey, Andrew Lloyd Webber, why don't you get on Having Written Lover?

Les Miserables. Les Miserables, yeah. Or rewrite it. You know what I mean? Rewrite that shit. You can rewrite anything you want. No one can stop you. Do a reboot. That's right. I mean, the stories out there, do your own music for it. Yeah, it's got to be public domain. Yeah, it has at this point in this economy. Come on. Under Barack Hussein Obamacare? So this is at the beginning of the clip, I'm talking to Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber for a bit. And we're talking about his career. And then in the middle of the clip...

A very interesting person comes in. An urchin. A street urchin. We don't mean to spoil it, but yes, a little orphan from off the street comes in. Just a little guy. We talk to him for quite a bit. He's adorable. And there is a very interesting ending to this. And one of the best endings to any of our episodes, I believe, of all time. So let's hear that. This is your number one. It's time, Bobby. Number one. So first- Ask me. May I say? Yes, sir.

At this point, it's rare that I do such a thing. Scottrick, you may ask me anything. Nothing is out of bounds. Nothing is off limits. It's all fair in love and war and this interview. We may chat about this, that, even the other thing, which I have...

Herefore, forbidden any journalist to ask me about. Right. All right. Well, let me try to delve deep then. I am an open book and lyrics. I would love to ask you something just maybe that no one has ever asked you before. I dare you to do so. All right. Who would you say are the two main characters in Jesus Christ Superstar?

This is an excellent question. No one has ever asked me this. Usually, everyone just knows. If I were to state definitively who the main two characters are in Jesus Christ of the Star... Also, you could expand it to main three, too. Oh, I like the way you think. This is certainly... This is two unasked questions in a row.

The main two characters are in order, I would say. In order of importance or in order of appearance? Both. Okay, great. Now, I can't remember who appears first. Please don't hold me to that. I believe Judas appears first. All right. Then this would be in order of importance, in my mind. The curtain rises. Yes. Lights up. Both of those kind of usually at the same time. Everyone is told backstage, stop whistling. Stop saying Macbeth.

And then all of a sudden, Judas appears on stage. That's right. There he is. And you hear that famous refrain. Always there are some boos in the audience. Yes, always. They recognize him. Boo! You betrayed our Lord! Then Judas twirls his mustache. That's right. He puts on his top hat. Yes. He stands up from the train tracks with his tie, Jesus Christ. And he asks Mary Magdalene for the rent. That's right. She says...

I cannot pay this rent, you ask? Yes. And he says, ah, but I am Judas Iscariot, and I demand you pay 30 rents. 30 pieces of rent. Yes. 5,000, 2,100, 600 rents. Yes. And then Jesus bursts from his ropes, and he says, Jesus smash. Then he goes on a rampage.

Smashing this and that. The military is called in. Yes, of course. And they start firing at him. But the shells just bounce off of his skin. He says, you make Jesus angry. Puny humans. Puny humans. Yes. Then Punch's pilot comes in. Yes. And he says. And he punches Punch's. He punches Punch's.

Who becomes a pilot, gets in a plane, but he can't fly it because he's so scared of the controls being dirty, he keeps washing his hands. Yes, of course. The plane crashes. Yes. Jesus resurrects everyone from the plane crash. Smash cut 2. It's 20 years later. The Skynet Corporation has taken over all of Judea. Yes.

Oh, my goodness. Now, many of you have probably not seen this program because you're not theater nerds like us. No, no. I imagine you like your sporting events. Yes. Crickets. Your North American baseball. Your North American football. What's that? Football. Sounds familiar. It's a game where it has a quarterback and he touches the ball with his foot a lot. Oh, you mean like English soccer? Yes, of course. Yes. Okay.

So, um, and that's Jesus Christ Superstar, and there's the character. Okay, fantastic. Well, I have many more questions like this, so... I hope you have thousands and thousands. So here we go. The more probing, the better. Okay. You may ask me personal things. Doesn't need to just be work-related.

I'm giving you carte blanche. Okay. All right. Personal questions. How do you feel about the main characters in Jesus Christ Superstar? Do you feel like they're the right ones that you picked? And who are they? Do you know Scott Rick?

I have conversations with the characters from my musicals almost every... Who's that knocking? This is highly irregular! This has never happened in the middle of an era. What? Who's this little ragamuffin? Hello. Look at this street urchin! Hello. Who are you?

Are you Andrew Lloyd Webber? Oh, my God, hi. I'm a fan. Yeah. Yeah, I was lost and I heard your voice outside to Ikea. Yeah, I wouldn't recognize that voice.

I like the cut of this young man's jib. I do too, I do too. But this is, you're lost in the building, young man? I got lost. I'm so sorry. I was outside, I was so lost, and I heard the voice, so I came in because I'm hungry, I was looking for scraps.

How long have you been lost? For a couple years. What? A couple years, you say? Yeah. That's a long time to be lost, little boy. I don't have a watch or a calendar, so I don't know the exact time. Do you know the day that you... Yeah, you may borrow my calendar. It was the third... Really? Yes, there you are. Andrew Lloyd Webber, this calendar. Wow, what's on that calendar? It's huge.

Huge. Look at this calendar. What's on there? It's beautiful. So many days. Aside from the days, he scribbled little appointments on there. Tell us some of those. It's got one for a new topic of a film he's doing. First film ever. Wait a minute. A new film. This is a scoop.

He's never ventured into that, I know, because I follow his work a great deal. Well, you've been gone for the last two years, though. How would you know if he's talked about it? Newspapers. Oh, okay. Do you see newspapers every day? Yeah, that's what I sleep on, because I don't got a home. Oh, these newspapers don't have a date on them? They do, but I only got one good eye. Oh, I feel like a fool for asking that. Seems like plenty to read a date on a newspaper, though. I'm sorry. One good one?

Yeah. Seems like you could read a date. Well, kind of, but let's not get down to birth tax or anything. All right. No, I'm sorry to press you on this. Leave the little boy. Excuse me. I'm starving, so I'll get a little on edge sometime. Scott, do we have any food here at the studio for this little boy to eat? Any kind of scraps? I mean, all I have is sort of the fat that I cut off of my steak earlier today. That would be the greatest. Mmm.

I don't know. I don't want, you know, I mean, it's bad for your health. I don't know. I was saving that for my dog. He is a ragamuffin. I'm better than a dog. I'm a human boy. He does outrack dogs.

All right, here, have my table scraps. Thank you. Here you go. Wait, unwrap... Yeah, don't... You're eating the foil that... You're eating the swan foil. There's vitamins in the foil. No, please, unwrap it if you could. Okay. Yeah, okay. You're very hungry. Thank you so much. I haven't eaten in years. Wow. Is that medically possible for you to survive that long? I don't know. I don't got a real doctor.

Fair enough. That makes sense. See, we're just using science that we know. But you say a doctor would be able to tell you if not eating. A doctor could tell you anything. It's the most trusted man in the business world. And to be fair, Scottrick, perhaps we've become used to medical advances that have happened in the last two years. That's true. Perhaps we know that doctors can tell people that...

Yeah, that's what it's talking about. I get what you're saying. So it's commonplace to us now, but for this little boy, emerging from the fog of two years ago. Do you remember it? 2010.

Oh, I wish I could. Oh, no, actually 2009, because we taped this in 2011. Oh, that's right. I keep forgetting that. Yeah, we tape it a year in advance. I keep forgetting it's 2011. That's because I got your calendar. That's exactly why. He's a clever boy. Give him back his calendar. You can have your calendar back. Here, I give you these table scraps, ones as big as yourself. Oh, thank you. Where did you get so many table scraps? I'm just always carrying them around. Really? For what purpose? For just such an occasion, in case I meet orphans.

I'm an orphan. You can take me if you want. Put me in a musical. Are you, dear boy? Are you an orphan? I used to be an actor. Is that so? Yeah. You've trod the boards. I did a lot of musical theater when I was just a baby boy. Is that? What productions? Would I have seen any of these? I was in Jesus Christ Superstar. Well, that's what I'm saying! Yeah.

What role did he play? Jesus Christ. He's one of the main three. May I be candid? Sure. He's the main number one. Wow. The most important character. All right. Jesus Christ Superstar. So you played Jesus Christ Superstar. We just called him Jesus Christ in the musical. So can you sing one of the songs for us? I wore my coat with golden lining.

I love it when Jesus wears his coat in that show. It's just like he shows it off and he's real. Because it's a big coat. It's real nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It must have looked even bigger on you. You're just a little baby boy. I still got it. What? I still got it. Really? Yeah. Why aren't you wearing it now? It got stolen. Oh, no. You don't still got it after all. I was on the street sleeping and a man took it. Now, may I ask you, young man? Yeah.

What are the curious circumstances that led you to be a homeless little fellow? My parents were dead. So did you run away from an evil orphanage a la Annie? Yeah, and a rich man took me in for a little while, and they got me into a theater program. Oh, that's so nice of him. That sort of broadened your horizons. I just wanted scraps. What?

Well, I'm sure that if he was a rich man, you could have eaten anything. He was a very rich man. Ice cream sundaes? He gave me lots of good food. Ice cream sundaes. He gave me a banana once. I put it on the ice cream sundae, and that's how the banana split got created. I don't know if you know that fact. Wait a minute. Hold on a second. I have to ask you, young man. Well, the second time it was created. Oh. No further questions? Ha ha ha ha ha!

So when you created it, when it became something in your mind? Yeah. Okay, great. I had never seen one before. So you actually created it because you'd never seen one before nor heard of one. Yeah, I create things all the time. I just created an air conditioner. Someone can invent something even if it exists. Yes, if they don't know it exists, they think they've invented it. It's like someone who writes a joke that already exists. You still wrote the joke. Great minds think alike, as they say. Yeah, baby. Yeah.

I just made that up right now. I'm sorry to tell you. This is the creation. The young man Austin Powers has copyrighted that. He was a great agent of Isaac's. So what happened to the rich man, though? He put you into this theater program and then... He threw me away.

One-wheel dumpster. This cruel fellow. So you were in a theater program. I found, I was walking the streets looking for scraps in a very rich part of town. And the rich man picked me up and he said, can you sing? I said, yeah. Okay. And he put me in a theater program. Okay. But what happened then? I don't understand. Because you're under the care of a rich man. It seems like you... I get, sometimes I can be a bit much. Oh.

Oh, you're a handful. Yeah. Now, Scottish is right. Normally, for an orphan to become under the care of a rich man, it is a consummation devoutly to be wished by orphans. But you're saying it was through some personality quirk of your own. Yeah, I get stabby. What is that? Now, I'm not familiar with American slang. What does that mean? Cranky? I live on the street, so I've got to know how to take care of myself and be a tough guy. Certainly. Oh, okay.

Sometimes I get stabby. Again, I'm not familiar with this term. I think what he's trying to say, Lord ALW, is that... Please call me Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. Please call him that. He deserves the respect. Thank you, young woman. What is your name, by the way? We haven't even asked you your name. My name? Is it Fagin? It's Forvel. Forvel. It's like Fievel, but one less.

So, wait, what was I saying? Oh, stabbing. I think what he's trying to say is he actually stabs people. Oh, yeah, all the time. Is that what you mean? You've got to take care of yourself. You've got to know how to stab or else you'll get taken away. Well, you're not wrong there. Are you carrying a weapon right now on your person? I'm not carrying it. It's in my pocket. Semantics. He's got you.

Technically, his pocket is carrying it. My hands are all greasy from the scraps, so I don't want to get it on a knife, because then the stabbing won't be so accurate. And to be fair, you did make him unwrap the scraps. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I mean, that actually is in our favor. In case he wants to pull that knife, it may slip out of his hands. Why so ever should he want to pull that knife? No, you guys seem nice. We are. I am. So did your father figure, the rich guy, I would imagine. Well, he was nice.

He was nice. Why, why, why, why were you compelled to become so, as you put it, stabby? He's got a mouth on him. He don't know when to stop. Is that so? Oh, my. If you tell me to clean my room and I'm not ready to clean my room, fucking...

Please. Young man. Forval. Don't fuck with me. Forval. Forval. Come on now. I mean, I hesitate to even criticize you. It's okay. I like your show. I'm a fan of the show, too. Wait, you know this show as well? Of course. Ah.

How did you get lost right outside my building then? I got lost all over the place, but right outside I heard a beautiful voice and I came to it. I didn't even know. It was like it was pulling me towards like a rapture of some kind. So you've been gone for two years. It's 2011 right now because we taped the show a year in advance. So how have you even heard the show? Have you been listening outside the door this whole time? Sometimes I'll just go up close to people's ears when they have headphones in, try and listen in on the streets. Oh, okay.

That's not annoying. No, they hate it. I curse those people. You're an adorable little fellow. Thank you. I would be delighted. Coming from you, that's a dream. I would feel much more comfortable if you disarmed yourself. If you just sort of put that out on the table and just... That's one. One? One?

Large knife? Butterfly knife? I invented that. In what way did you invent that? Because that's an actual professional knife. I just thought of it, so I bought it.

You bought it. You didn't, I mean... Well, sometimes I like to say that's inventing things. May I ask you... I'd never had one before and I'd never seen it, so when I bought it, I said, now this is something I could get used to. Young Master Forvo, may I ask you, when you say butterfly knife, are you referring to the shape or its purpose?

Um, I have killed many butterflies. By knife? Yeah, because they don't know when to fucking... Oh, again! Young fellas! They just fly near you, and it's in your personal space, and you gotta teach these fucking things a lesson. Oh, please! Where did you learn this kind of language? The streets. Oh, okay. Now you have it, yes, the streets. So what exact... So, uh, did the policeman take you away? No, I ran out and took...

grabbed what I could in my bindle and I went out into the streets. You grabbed your coat of many colors. Yeah, I still had that. I said, "Bring me my color coat." And they did, and I ran out into the streets. The servants brought you? Yeah. And they weren't frightened of you from...? No, they could have been nice to them, but they know if they cross me... May I say a small trick? And of course, Forvo will know this from his experience with this rich elderly man.

Servants, they do their jobs. And if they're good servants, they do them impeccably well. It would be crossing a boundary for a servant. To presume. To presume. Someone from the upstairs. You've got to know your place. You have to know your place. It's true. Now, on this, we do agree. I have seen Downtown Abbey, so I know. Yeah. Scottrick.

Yes? Oh, my word. What's wrong? Even I know that. Like fingernails on the chalkboard of my eardrums. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm talking about my favorite program, Downtown Abbey. Oh, don't say that. No, you've said it twice now. Oh, God. Please. I love that show. I'm the biggest Downtown Abbey fan. I'm getting stabby. I'm getting stabby.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Go, Fulfill, go. I won't bring it up anymore. Can I ask something about your coat? Sure. You say it's a coat of many colors. Yeah. Are you sure it's not just a white coat that has a lot of red bloodstains on it? Are you fucking kidding me right now? Fulfill. It's my amazing Technicolor dream coat. Steady. I just wanted to make sure that... Just tread lightly is all I'm saying. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I think you do best to take the lad's advice. All right, we'll do it. There is blood on the coat, but it's of many colors.

It's the blood of many. People of different colors. So wait a minute. Are you trying to say that, like, Spock's green blood? I killed Leonard Nimoy. Who is this Spock? You killed Leonard Nimoy. This morning. This morning? Yeah. What? Why? In 2011. I hope no one will ever hear of this. Okay, let me check. Excuse me.

Oh, okay, I'm back. No, no one's heard of it. Oh, thank heavens. Next year. That's okay. The guy in the movie is not the real guy. It's an imposter. Oh, my God. Because I think I checked and no one has ever seen the headline, Director of Three Men and a Baby Has Been Killed. I heard if you watch that film, you can see the background of one of the scenes where...

Ted Danson is throttling Steve Guttenberg to death, saying, why did you make us have a baby? We're only two men. It's very early in the film. In the background, you could see Leonard Nimoy being stabbed to death. There's a shotgun, too, for a second. Turns out it was just a cardboard cutout of William Shatner drowning his wife. Oh, dear.

All right. My wife! All right, all right. Let's get back on track here because we've gone off the rails a little bit here. I did have one question, though, for you.

Andrew Lloyd Webber. For me? Yeah. You said I could ask about anything. Anything at all. Yeah. And I just had one really specific question about... I want to get deep with you here. Yes. So can you tell me what were the colors of Joseph's coat? Of course I can. Let me see if I remember correctly. Um...

It was red and yellow, green, brown, scarlet, black. I think there was an ochre. Peach. Ruby. Olive, violet. Thorn. Memory says lilac. Gold, of course. Chocolate. Mauve. I think there was also a little bit of cream in there.

Have I said crimson yet? I think that was crimson. Silver, of course. Something else on the red palette. Rose. Azure. I think lemon. Russet. Grape. Did you say crimson? I did say... I believe I said crimson, yes. He said it. Purple. He said it. Just, like, let him do his thing. White, even though it's the absence of color. Pink. Orange. Purple.

Red. Yellow. Green. Brown. Did I say Scarlet, Black, and Oka? Yes. Oh, you know what it is? I'm seeing them in my mind. And in my mind, Joseph is turning around. I feel like you forgot. He's doing a spin, a 360. He's showing it off. Yes. He's being a real dandy. I'm seeing them all over again from the beginning. Yeah. I feel like you've forgotten...

A really important one. Did he say crimson? He said crimson. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Shut up. Gentlemen, please. This is most unseemly. This kid... Oh, blue! Yes, that's the one. I don't know why I couldn't think of blue. Maybe the most popular color of all. This kid bugs me.

Scott, stop being such a fucking bitch. Forthall, oh, please. Forthall, why don't you practice your butterfly knifing for just a little bit? Let the grown-ups talk for a little bit. Just try to stab around your fingers. Have you ever done anything like that? Mumbly pig. Yes. Are you really going to adopt this? I've

never been more terrified my entire life. You're not acting like it. I have to say that you're a very good actor. I'm trying to appease this monster. I think you'll be really good on Smash then. Do you think so? Yes, because I mean, I would never have guessed. Is it a bit of a cheat I'm playing myself?

I think it's not a stretch necessarily, but sometimes you have to ease into something. You know, I loved the player where they're all playing themselves and everyone had a great fun. Yeah. I mean, it's a lot like how Chris Rock had to play a crack addict before he could move on to being head of state. Yes, that's right. You know what I mean? He's wonderful in that film. He's so wonderful. Scottrick. Yes. I need you to spirit me away from this studio. I don't know that I have the resources to do that. What exactly do you mean? You simply must...

Well, radio to your helicopter pilot and have him throw down a rope ladder. We don't have one of those. I mean, we just have this sort of, I mean, we just have like kind of a strange hatch that leads into a hidey hole, like a spider hole. Can I squeeze into this hidey holing spider hatch? I guess you could, but I mean, the thing is... Okay, goodbye. Wait, it's hidden. That's the... I'll find it. Okay. Goodbye. Goodbye.

I hope not forever. I hope not forever. But goodbye. Okay. Hey, Forval. Hey. So, how'd that game go? It went good. I was practicing my knife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks good. You didn't stab your... Where did my daddy go?

Oh, you didn't see him go away? No. Huh, yeah, you had your back turned. He must be going to get the room ready, the cage room. Yeah, that sounds good to you, huh? Yeah, I can't wait. Spend a whole year inside that cage? Finally feel loved and be just like a real boy. I say, is he gone?

Oh, shit. Scottrick! Give me the all-clear! Oh, my God. Sound the all-clear! Scott, did you try to pull fast one on me? I didn't pull anything. Surely he's gone by now. Hello, Forvo. Hi, Dad. You were literally gone for 60 seconds. That's not enough time to get rid of anyone. I just thought he would have killed you and gotten bored and wandered off.

I hope that's not rude. You're willing to sacrifice me? Not willing to sacrifice you, but willing to turn a blind eye should you be sacrificed. You're not listening to me. No, I can't hear sometimes. Okay. I hope this is one of those times. That's my one good ear. It seems like even with one ear you'd be able to hear. What? Never mind. Got it.

So, no, I didn't pull a fast one on you. I was looking in the same direction as you, and this guy just, like, totally turned around, and he tried to get out of here. This guy is Lord Atreloid Webber, by the way. Look, I'm not going to lie. I understand. Do you? Yeah. Is that what adults usually do? It's just my favorite, and I really wanted to live with you, but, you know, I got a lot of baggage and stuff, so. Though it means my most certain death.

Will you please let me adopt you? Oh, I know it. Oh, my gosh. This is the greatest day of my life. Please become my murderous son. Or ward. Oh, ward. Let's see how it goes. Ward first. Yeah, like a Robin type. Yes, we'll solve some crimes. Yeah. Vigilante justice. Sweet. I got a sweet little outfit on, too. So...

Now that I see it, yes, it is rather reminiscent of your rags and tatters I just assumed were clothes that were wearing off of you are actually a very carefully constructed Robin costume. Yeah, wow. This is amazing. I've always wanted to visit your place, and you've never invited me. Well, no. Surely you didn't expect an invitation. I mean, you're on this program so many times. Yes, how many times have I been invited, dear boy? One. One.

Yes, and this is that time. And now I would like to be invited to your place. Well, why don't you try bursting into my home a few times? Yeah, try it. And then we'll see how it goes. It seems to lead to invitations. All right, well... Try bursting in and see what happens. Oh, I like this. It seems like you have some sort of little attack dog here at the ready now that you're going to keep in a cage and you're going to have to protect your house. Please don't talk that way about my ward, who's also my vigilante justice partner.

I mean, I thought that you and I were cool on this. Look, I'm terrified of him. I'm trying to appease him. Why did you say that you were going to adopt him? I'm trying to appease him. Are you going to try to ditch him? No, I'm going to try to escape the earliest convenience. Don't you understand? You're not actually going to adopt him? I can't. No, why would I? He's a stabbing little maniac. Well, how do we get rid of this guy? I don't know.

I think the only thing to do is to try to outreach him to one of these knives and kill him. All right. The knives are back on the table. Yeah. I think the mistake that we made the last time was that we announced that we were going to all reach for the knife. Yes. Yes. I think you're right. What we should do is give a jump on him. Yes. We should reach for these knives before he does. So that way we have at least like a half second before he. I say, should we have a code word? Yeah. Yeah. What should the code word be?

Knife? Knife grab. Knife grab. Okay, so if either of us says knife grab, then we're both going to reach for the... Not a grab knife. This has to be crystal clear. Okay. Knife grab. Knife grab. Knife grab. How can we remember that?

There has to be some mnemonic. Yes, a mnemonic device. Let us know that when we grab the knife, we want to say knife grab. The signal is knife grab. How do we remember to grab the knives when we hear the term knife grab? Well, K stands for kid. Yes, he's a kid. Yes, N stands for naughty. He's a naughty kid. Yes, he is. Okay.

Okay. I stands for I. I'm going to grab a knife. Yes, I am the person. F stands for friend. He's not our friend. Friend. Okay. And E stands for education, which is every child should have an education. Yes. So that would be easy. Also, every good boy deserves fudge. That's true. Okay. So that's that. G. Yes, G.

Go ahead. I did knife. You can do. Of course. Fast for help. G stands for ganzux. I'm terrified of this little child who's going to stab me with a knife. Okay. I must wrest the knife away from his control and therefore gain the upper hand. Okay. Fantastic. So remember that. All right. R stands for really. Don't you think it's time you grabbed the knife? Okay. Good. A, we're up to A. A stands for...

Here we are. A shame it would be were this little boy to grab the knife first and stab us. Okay. And then, of course, that leads us to the last letter, B. B. Boy. Boy. Okay. So we have it for kid. Let's review. Kid. K. K.

Kid. Kid. N, naughty. He's a naughty kid. Naughty, naughty kid. I, I want to grab this knife. Yes. F, friend. He's not a friend. He's not a friend. I remember he's not a friend. E, every good boy deserves fudge and education. That's right. Dual meaning. Okay. G, gazooks. Gazooks. This little boy is going to stab me. This little boy is going to stab me. I have to grab this knife before he does and stabs me. Knife grab! He was listening! He has one good ear! Ah!

I am stabbed! I am stabbed! I am slain! Oh, perfidy! A plague on your lack of a house! Number one. Oh, boy, Paul. What do you think? Your number one episode. That I'm pleased as Punch's pilot. The aforementioned Punch's pilot that we were just talking about. There you go. I'm as pleased as he. As that great man.

That this was number one. I enjoyed this episode so much. Yes. It seemed like it was so much fun to record. It was. I can tell you that. I can tell you that from me and from Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber and from Bobby Moynihan who played the urchin four-ville. I would say – And the real Andrew Lloyd Webber who we had. I would say if I were in Andrew Lloyd Webber's place, I would imagine –

I would say what a fun time it was and how the excitement of it, just continuing that narrative and going on and not doing the games and just that crazy kind of riffing that just...

And the unexpected ending with the mnemonic device, the knife grab and everything, all spun out of thin air. Had I participated in it, I would say it's one of the most fun times I ever had recording a podcast. Well, not for me, but hey.

Well, it was apples and oranges to each his own. No, of course I love that episode, and it rightfully takes the place of number one. It takes its place at number one. There's no more number ones. Never. This takes its place. And, Paul, I want to thank you so much for being my co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-co-

No, my co-host for these very two special best of episodes. This was a great year. They were the two special best of episodes. Oh my gosh. And I wish you had been on it more this year. Maybe next year. Who knows? 2013, you know. Scott, I would like to thank you for the times that I have appeared on the show.

have brought me a whole crop of new fans every time and it has meant a great deal to me so thank you thank you your participation in these episodes has meant a great deal to me and more than that though Brett I want to thank you more than that I don't like that at all

No, but I do want to thank the listeners. We've had such a great year, and it's been my pleasure to do both the TV show and keep doing the podcast while we were doing the TV show. It was my pleasure to do them all, and I feel like this has been the best year in Comedy Bang Bang history. The long story and history of Comedy Bang Bang. The one and one half year. Yes, stretching all the way back.

But I think we're going to have a great 2013, and I think that there's going to be more Comedy Bang Bang goodness to come. And I really look forward to...

Hey, guys! Hey! Oh, wow! Scott Paul, how you doing? Hey! Oh my god, it's Weird Al Yankovic is here! Hey, very exciting, hi! I know you're doing your best of show for the year, and I meant to drop by earlier. Where are you up to in the countdown now? Well, we've done all the way from 10 to number one. So we've done the entire countdown. So sorry, where was I in the countdown? I'm sorry I missed it, man. I wish I could have riffed with you guys.

Which... Well, your episode... It's not exactly, like, within the bounds of... It's not necessarily one. Yeah. You know, it's not two. It's not two. I mean, it's a big countdown. It's a lot of numbers. Are you saying I wasn't in the countdown? Oh.

Out of the whole year? We did probably 55, 56 shows this year. Let me, if I can. What Scott is trying to say is, no, you are not in the countdown. Thank you, Paul. I never know how to say that. Sometimes just the straight line, you know? Thank you, guys. That's great. Like, what?

Well, I'm in two-hour parking. I'm going to go before I get ticketed. There's a lot! Oh, no! No, it's mine! I'll see you in 2013! No, Al! I hope so! I hope to! I hope to make your best of next year! No, Al, don't leave! We love you! We love you! Why are you leaving? We love you, Al! Don't leave, Al! Come on! You're my girl... Good luck! You're my girlfriend! You know, we live together! I can't! It's so hateful to me!

Well, Paul, I think there's only one last thing to do before we leave. I think you're right, Scott. And that is play a little...

See you, bro. See you in 2013. Thanks, bye. Here I am.

This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com The wolf dead.

Thank you.

Catch conversations between the wokest man in the world and comedians like Reza Lacheya. Also, hear upcoming pilots, the Florida cast. Wow, you're Native American too? This Week in Sports and Carl Alarm all throughout the month. Let us know what you think of them with hashtag Earwolf Presents. Subscribe to Earwolf Presents to hear more great episodes from around the network and behind the paywall, like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business with Derek Contrera or Act 1 of Matt Besser's punk musical Stolen Idea.

Just search for Earwolf Presents in your podcast app and subscribe so you don't miss an update. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. So what are your non-negotiables during a day? Me?

I eat food. Yeah, I admit it. I don't go a day without eating some food. I usually throw a little water in there as well, drink that stuff. But, you know, maybe you never skip leg day. You know, there's stuff that's important to us. Well, you probably shouldn't skip therapy day either when your schedule's packed.

You have kids' activities, big work projects. You know, it's easy to let those priorities slip. Even when we know what makes us happy, it's still hard to make the time to actually do that stuff, right? But when you feel like you have no time for yourself, non-negotiables like therapy are more important than ever.

So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out this brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Never skip therapy day with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash bangbang today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bangbang.

High Five Casino lets you play your favorite slot and table games with the chance to redeem for real cash prizes. High Five Casino has a giant selection of over 1,200 games. It's always free to play, and free coins are given out every four hours. Ready to have your own High Five moment? Visit HighFiveCasino.com. That's High, the number five, Casino.com. No purchase necessary. Voidware prohibited by law must be 20.

It seems unfair that I took three years of a foreign language and I know approximately three words. That's one word a year. That's not a good ratio. It's tough. It's tough to do. Well, you know what is not so tough?

Rosetta Stone. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program. It's available on desktop or can be used as an app on your phone or tablet. Trusted experts for 30 years with millions of users and 25 languages offered. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways with its intuitive process. You can pick up any language naturally, first with words, then phrases, then sentences.

Rosetta Stone, it's very easy to use. I started learning Italian with it. I have a friend who also, he's so far advanced in Italian because he started earlier than me. It's so much fun to do and it's fun to feel like you can understand and speak in another language. Don't put off learning it. There's no better time than right now to get started. For a very limited time,

Comedy Bang Bang listeners can get Rosetta Stone's lifetime membership for 50% off. Visit rosettastone.com slash comedy. That's rosettastone.com slash comedy.

Hi guys, Amy Nicholson from unspooled here and the national sales event is on at your Toyota dealer making now the perfect time to get a great deal on a dependable new truck, like a rugged half ton Tundra combining raw capability with premium comfort and advanced tech to fuel your wildest adventures or check out the fully redesigned Tacoma delivering trail dominating power and captivating style. The new Tacoma was born to make your off-roading dreams come true.

Check out more national sales event deals when you visit buyatoyota.com. Toyota, let's go places. Drive into summer with the Honda CR-V and Accord, your fun-to-drive weekend getaway vehicles. From Honda, the 2024 Kelley Blue Books KBB.com Best Value Brand. So hurry in to the Honda Summer Event. For a limited time, well-qualified buyers can get a 2.9% APR on a 2025 CR-V or 2024 Accord.

See dealer for financing details based on 2024 Consumer Choice Awards from Kelley Blue Book. Visit kbb.com for more information. Hey, this is Jeff Lewis from Radio Andy. Live and uncensored, catch me talking with my friends about my latest obsessions, relationship issues, and bodily ailments. With that kind of drama that seems to follow me, you never know what's going to happen. You can listen to Jeff Lewis live at home or anywhere you are. Download the SiriusXM app for over 425 channels of ad-free music, sports,

and more. Subscribe now and get three months free. Offer details apply.

The sizzle of McDonald's sausage. It's enough to make you crave your favorite breakfast. Enough to head over to McDonald's. Enough to make you really wish this commercial were scratch and sniff. And if you're a sausage person, now get two satisfyingly savory sausage McGriddles, sausage biscuits, or sausage burritos for just $3.33. Or mix and match. Price and participation may vary. Cannot be combined with any other offer or combo meal. Single item at regular price. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba.

For more details.