Ben Schwartz, Mary Holland, Eugene Cordero
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Bang, bang into your mouth. You know you want to bang, bang into your mouth.

Everybody wants to listen to Scott. Everybody wants to. Oh, what a beautiful morning. Oh, what a beautiful day. Thank you. Thank you so much. What a beautiful Scott. Hey, let me do the catchphrase. One second. Here we go. Here we go. I prefer Mike's way. Sloppy toppy. Juice and spices got me naughty. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang.

Thank you to Gumshoe420. Go, 420. Oh, Smoke of the Schmooze. Yes, the perfect time to Smoke of the Schmooze. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang, the first episode of 2024, if you can believe it. And if you are a longtime listener of Comedy Bang Bang, and or if you are a short-time listener and you are a huge Sonic the Hedgehog fan. Hedgehog? Is that what it is? Hedgehog. Hedgehog. Hedgehog is a different type of animal I

I think a bird. Is it really? A hedgehog is a different type of animal. Yeah, it's a type of hawk that just hangs out on hedges. It just hangs out there. Yeah, it's friends with Edward Scissorhands. Does it ever fly? Oh, friends with Edward Scissorhands. No, no, no, it doesn't have any wings. Edward chops them off. Is he friends because Edward Scissorhands is constantly cutting the hedges? Yeah, so he's hanging on the hedges. And so they struck up a conversation. And then he finally said, cut the wings so that bird can never fly. Oh, I see. So it just trots from one hedge to the other. But they're still friends, even though Edward Scissorhands attacked him with his... Of course, he said, sorry.

He said sorry. Yeah, he clipped off both wings and he said sorry. Well, that's so nice of Edward Scissorhands. What's he been up to lately? Because I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since around 1989. He's around. He's around. He's around. You know, they're making, you know, like there's a new Wonka. Timothy Chalm is going to be the new Edward Scissorhands. Oh, great. He should just reboot. He's any Johnny Depp thing that's happened. Timothy Chalm is going to reboot it. So he's going to be with Amber Heard. Okay, stop it.

I set you up and hated that I did it. Do you know that? I could have said every movie. I set you up and hated that I did it. And... Chalamet! Chalamet! Chalamar! You know that voice. And he's on the first episode of every Comedy Bang Bang, I think for now a decade plus. Isn't that crazy? If you can believe it, please welcome back to the show, Benny!

Ben Schwartz is here. It's me, the elegant Mr. S. Very happy to be here. Thrilled, actually. Are you really? Yeah, I am. How's your 2024 been? Oh, so far, real tight. Real tight? Really? Yeah, yeah. Is it a lot of narrow squeezes? I thought there was going to be a looseness to it, but it's a lot of narrow squeezes. A lot of trying to get through things. I've been stuck underneath this bed for two days. By the way, we're here in Ben's bedroom. Hi, guys. We're in my bedroom. Apparently, there was some sort of an earthquake. There was an earthquake, and I tried to go under my bed, but my

my big old butt couldn't get underneath the bed causing the earthquake. Yeah. I farted and then an earthquake happened and I couldn't get this big old behind underneath the bed. So here I am just a random series of events, all your butt related, a series of pornos are, I think based off of this exact experience. You don't say, yeah, that, uh, I, Oh, I want to masturbate tonight. Can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I, can I,

It's not bare, though. I am wearing very light, light pants. Yeah, they're almost see-through, though. Yeah, I'm wearing like... They're white pants, but you can see the outline of everything. White pants, summer in the city. Back in your butt. My butt is biggie. I still got it, right? You still got it. No, I mean, yeah. I'm afraid one day we're going to do these and you're going to be like, that's a wrap. I was thinking about that the other day of like, you know, I already feel like I've lost 50% of my abilities. You've definitely lost a step. Oh, I've lost 20 steps. You're Michael Jordan on The Wizards. Yes, thank you so much. Right.

Sorry, Wizards of Waverly Place. You're Michael Jordan on the TV show Wizards of Waverly Place. A lot of people don't know he starred in seasons four through five. Yeah, that's when he was really dipping. He was really dipping when you were Michael Jordan. He played baseball for like a year. Why am I wasting this on this? I could be using these lines somewhere else. You should be writing all of this down into your wonderful scripts that you're constantly talking about writing that I never see on a screen. They don't get made. They don't get made. I'm great at selling stuff, terrible at getting it greenlit. Hey, you don't think it's because I'm Jewish, do you?

How you want to bang, bang into your mouth? How you want to bang, bang into your mouth? Everybody wants to listen to Scott. Everybody wants to... Dirty pop. Every matching matching want to do and get on my butt. Get right under my bed now and stick it up my...

Sonic the Hedgehog, you are the voice of the titular Sonic. Where are you looking? You started to look up to the heavens when you did this. I'm trying to remember all of these details. I'll do it. You've never gotten one fact in my career right. You put the tits in titular. No, I didn't put the tits in anything. Sonic the Hedgehog is a video game character. Has big natties. He doesn't have big naturals.

He's a male hedgehog. 100% doesn't have firm naddies. And he's just a hedgehog that goes very fast. He's just a hedgehog that goes fast. Yeah. Well, he's got an attitude. He wags his fingers, stomps his foot. I wouldn't call those special abilities. Okay. So you think big naturals are special abilities? Sure. Okay. I guess.

So he doesn't have those type of special abilities. He was a big video game in 1991. His first one came out. Then there's 2, 3. Then there's Knuckles. Now there's 100 different ones. And what happens, because I know they're making number three right now. Undoubtedly, you've been in the recording booth here and there. I can't comment on that. Why not? See, this is the thing. All you assholes who get these parts, you're always like, oh, I can't do it. I can't see it. I can't see anything. Just say something. No one's going to... Who can fire you? Okay, okay.

It's me and Marlon Brando. Marlon Brando plays Tails. He recorded before his death, just in case he was ever cast as Sonic the Hedgehog. What was that island movie he was on, Dr. Moreau? Dr. Moreau, yeah. Yes, when he was doing Dr. Moreau, he secretly recorded the lines for Tails in Sonic the Hedgehog 3.

Really? But there is a big one is the character of Shadow is in three. I know you know this. My eyes are glazing over as you speak. And so the big thing is who's going to play Shadow. Uh-huh. And imagine if I gave it up on this stupid podcast. That would be awesome. We've made news every once in a while. Tatiana Maslany comes on here and makes news all the time. What does she do? About her Marvel She-Hulk stuff?

Did she tell you before anybody else? Yeah. About all the musicals songs? There are no musical songs in She-Hulk. She may have broken some news that wasn't true, but at least she broke it. Are you playing a Marvel character? You are huge into comic books. Yes, I would love to. Which character? I'd love to be Stilt-Man. He has the power of stilts. Oh, wow. That doesn't seem like a real character. He's super high. If you just slightly tip him over, he just falls. He's gone. So he can reach out. What happens if he goes in a small room? Does he get off his stilts? Stilts?

Sorry. He's on full tilt whenever he goes into a small room. Full tilt, big stilts, big natty girls. Yep. He's got full stilts, full stilts, and big natty girls. Full stilts, big stilts, big natty girls.

Ben, Sonic the Hedgehog. It's too hard to say. Can we agree it's too hard to say? No, it's super easy. Say it with me. Ready? Sonic. No, that's your fault. Here's the deal. Here's the deal. Oh, wait. How about this? Talk about the fast food restaurant. Sonic. Can you say that, Sonic? Sonic. Sonic the Burger Joint. Why didn't they call it that? Go.

It's too hard to say. And in your, your office would have doubled if it had been easier to say we did great box office. How many movies get three, get three, what three movies, three stars out of 10. No, you know, I liked the movie. You invited me to the premiere. You know, you, I came and you didn't come.

Ken Marino was there too I think both Ken and Scott Aukerman hung out at the premiere and I couldn't do it because I was filming Renfield yep wasn't worth it

That's the breaking news I could break here. Renfield out now on VOD. Hurt my voice. A lot of stuff happened on Renfield. Renfield was tough. Renfield was very tough. A tough shoot, but... But it was wonderful to spend some time in New Orleans. Sorry? Sure. Yeah, home of jazz music. I don't think it's the home of jazz music. Sure. Let's Google that. Google that real quick. Home of jazz... Okay.

You want to find out what comes up when I write home of jazz music? No, because you're going to do a beat. You're going to do a bit. Here we go. New Orleans, number one, home of jazz music. What's number two? Scott's pants. Birthplace of jazz, New Orleans. Oh, wow. Birthplace of jazz. Jazz. Just jazz. The Wikipedia comes up. Well, it makes sense, but why do they call the Utah jazz jazz then? Don't you think that jazz was born in Salt Lake City? Because...

it came from another town. It moved to Utah. Did it come from Gnarland? Yes. Oh, okay. That makes sense then, I guess. That makes sense. But that's the thing. Why not change the name? I think I set you up for things that don't like the outcome every time. I don't know. I think just because improv helped, like, wants me to make you win. But what have you done to deserve more? The improv gods are tilting in my favor. Yes. Full tilt, big natties. They're still tilting.

Can you imagine if you had those big natties on those big stilts? You would never be able to stay up. Can you imagine? You'd be falling down on those big natties. Hey, my eyes are way up here. This might be the funniest you've ever been. Don't waste it on this. You're trying to curse me. Don't waste it on this. Oh, this is the curse. This is the curse. Do you ever see a TV show, The Curse, with Emma Sturge? I have seen some of it, yes. Okay, so this is The Curse. So basically, me and Nathan Fielder are cursing you for the year.

For the entire year? Yes. You think so? So you're going to get big natty slowly throughout the year. So you think by the end of 2024, you're going to have huge news. You're going to have like big double E's. Big double E's. Hong Kong MCO. Do you remember that commercial? That might be too young for everybody. Double A, Hong Kong MCO. Now, double A's are not big.

No, doublas are not, but that's how that commercial wasn't for us, from Amco. Was anyone confused, do you think, when they showed up wanting really small tits? Damn. You can't say that word anymore. You can't say tits anymore. You can't say tits? No, it's a bad word. Really? What are we supposed to call them? Hunks. Hunks. Yeah. Hunks, really? H-O-N-K-S. Oh, hunks. Hunks. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'll gladly call them hunks. Sancta Hedgehog, say it. Sancta Hedgehog. You're whispering. Just say it in a normal volume. Sancta Hedgehog.

It's not going to head out. Ben, anything going on in 2024 we need to know about? Or are you keeping everything under wraps? Oh, I'll be on tour. North Carolina is going to be right after this comes out, then San Diego. Then there's going to be some fun other places. Oh, Vancouver. I haven't played Vancouver in a while. Hmm.

And then I'm going back to New York, Beacon. I'm going down from Radio City to the Beacon Theater. So how's that work? You sell out New York City and they go like, oh, wow, that was great. We all saw it. And then you come back and people are supposed to be like, let's go again. With improv, every show is totally different. So we've done two shows in the same night and some of the same audience come to the second one.

Really? And do they enjoy it, though? They said they enjoy it. They say they enjoy it. To your face? I don't know for a fact. I mean, to my face, right. But I don't know afterwards. What do people say about you behind your back? Just in general. That's a great question. I would probably be mortified to find out. I think it would really affect me if I find out that people are shit-talking me. I think I would stop doing this show if I really heard what everyone was saying about me behind my back. I think I would just kind of go like, eh. I don't think I could take it. I think checking Twitter every now and then is more than I can take anyway. Yeah, exactly. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, Ben Schwartz, it's great to have you on the show. I don't want to go to commercial just yet. No, we're not going to commercial. Oh, we're going to play a game? Who is it?

Let's play Who Is It? I'm thinking of someone in my head. I'm thinking of a big celebrity in my head. We used to play Who Is It? No, but it wasn't called Who Is It? It was called Who Is It? No, it wasn't. Yeah, let's hear the theme song. Shut up. Is this real? It is real. Is real? Don't. Don't. Israel. Okay. Israel. Now's not the time to talk about it. I hear it's in the news these days. Let me hear the theme song. Here we go. Here we go.

Is it? Okay, great. I'm going to play who is it. This is what's going to happen right now. In my head, I have a celebrity that's big enough that you know them. Okay, I'm not going to say if it's what gender or anything it is. Okay. You have five questions and then I'll do one impression of them.

Okay, so I have five questions and then you do one impression. When do you do the impression? After the five? I'll do the impression after five questions if I feel you're far away. If I feel you're close, I'm not going to say anything. Okay. Okay, and the impression will be spot on. Spot on. Okay. Okay, ready? Are you a man? I'm a man. Are you, you said it's a celebrity. An actor or, okay. Are you an actor? Yes. Yes.

You're so close already. Are you Ben Schwartz? No. Imagine if I messed up my own impression. Are you, have you won an Oscar? I don't think I have. That rules so many people out. Okay. Keep going. Have you been in a movie in the calendar year of 2023? I have. Okay. That's my question. Okay. Now here's the impression. Okay. I got to break bad. Okay. Who do you think it is?

You get one more question, then I'll do one more impression. All right. One more question, then one more. Have you ever broken bad? Yes. Yes. In a television show, I broke bad. Okay. Another impression. Ready? Yeah. Oh, God. I'm up here, but Malcolm's in the middle. Okay. Malcolm Jamal Warner. This is Bill Cosby. Correct. Okay. Incredible. It's too late to turn back now.

You already said Bill Cosby. Now you can't take it back. We do have to get to our next guest, though, Ben. I hope that's okay to shift the attention off of you for one fucking second. Well, you do this every time. I don't like talking about myself. You force me to do this. I love when interesting people come in. You say that you basically have a revolving door for interesting people. Yeah. If you're an interesting person, then far be it for me to bang them. Fargo be it for you to bang them is what you just said.

Fargo be it for me to bang them. That's a shirt. Let's welcome our first. Now that is a shirt. Okay. Let's bring in our next guest. Who is this? She's a survival expert. Have you ever survived anything, Ben? No, I don't trust myself in the woods. I think I would perish. What about illness? Illness? I have survived illness before. Where are you?

Do you think that's what the survival expert is? Maybe. We don't know. Have you ever met this person before? No. I have not. This is the first time they've been on the show. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Delia Totbag. Hello. I'm Delia Totbag. And this is my master class. You think you're teaching a master class right now? Yeah. HBO? I have HBO, yes. You are HBO. Do you want to watch HBO? Yeah. What show do you want to watch? Sex and Disease.

city. You're a real Samantha. I just got that feeling when you walked in here. Oh, thank you, honey. Boo-boo.

Sorry? You're shaking your hocks. What's going on here? You can't say that anymore. You have to say tits. You have to say tits now. I can't keep up. Sorry, everything changes by the minute things are changing. Wait, so you teach a master class on survivalist? I do. Sorry, I thought this was a master class. You can use it as a forum to teach your things, I think. I mean, I want to hear about your thing. So in that sense, it is akin to a master class. Okay. Have you ever been in

Kravass? Kravass? Kravass. Kravass. Like 120, how many hours was that? 128. That's too many hours. 124? To be trapped like that? Yeah, it's too many. Yeah. 130 hours. At least. Yeah. Maybe the sequel should be like 129 hours, then 130 hours. 130?

129 hours later. Yes. Oh, that's like 28 weeks later. Yeah. They should cross over, shouldn't they? That should. I've been saying it for years. Zombies come in, chomp off his arm, and then he gets away. I like her. I think she's great. She's great. Delia. Delia. Delia Tortback. Delia, start your masterclass as if this is really what it is. Ready? Three, two, one, go. Hi, I'm Delia Tortback. Welcome to my masterclass.

Well, I have. When you're in a kvass, the first thing you got to know is no equipment. No equipment when you're in a kvass? Do you think that would kind of help you get out of it? No. No.

No equipment. That'll trap you in there if you have too much stuff. Or if you have too much stuff in your pockets, I would imagine. That's exactly right. First thing you got to know about survival in a crevasse or anywhere, no equipment. No equipment. You only use your body. I see. So no equipment before you go into a crevasse, or once you're in the crevasse, lose it all? Drop any equipment you have. Got it. If you have a record player, drop it.

Drop it. Why would you have a record player while traversing? No equipment. No audiovisual equipment. Maybe you're trying to get to the top of the mountain and put on a nice record in order to propose to your girlfriend. Have you ever been in a situation like that? That's nice. I guess not. I guess not. To propose in a crevasse. That's a dream. Are you engaged or married? No, no. Well, I have been married. I've been married four times. Oh, my God. Four times. They all ended in love. They ended in love. Wait, that's why you broke up?

So the end is love. Yeah. They're all for love. Oh, I see. Well, that's a nice way to, that's optimistic. Is it? Well, I mean, you're focusing on their happiness. Yeah, I bet. I was sad. Yeah, I bet. I still am. Yeah.

I'm so sorry. When did the last one, when did you break up with the last one? June of today. June of today? June of today. So this is the 8th. So June 8th? June 8th? June of 2023. June of 2023. So it's a little fresh. It's fresh. The wound is still open. You're almost like you're in the crevasse of love currently. That's exactly it. I dropped my equipment. Drop all of your equipment. Where are you from? Is it Sweden or Swedish? What is it? Where are you from? Sweden.

So if you're in the crevasse and you don't have any, you just use your body, right? I guess she didn't hear you. No, I guess not. We're back to the crevasse. Okay, so you just use your body to work now? Say you're trapped in a crevasse. First thing you think is, I got to have water, right? Right, sure. One needs to drink it every...

how often? Nine days or so? No, more, more a day. A lot of day, I think. I don't think you need to. I'm going to look at it. How long can you go? It's going to say New Orleans. I can tell you right now. How long can you? Oh, wait, you just asked the survivalist. Oh, okay. Yeah. You can go two years, no water. Two whole years. Okay, what did it say? Including leap years? Because this year is a leap year. No, is it? Yeah. Is it? Yeah, the 29th. Make a wish.

Oh, okay. Yeah. I wish. Not right now. When? On the leap year? In mid-leap, you have to make a wish. Why do they call it a leap year? Because it leaps. Sorry, let me finish my own fucking bit. Sorry? Why do they call it a leap year? Is it because of froggies? Sorry, you were saying? I was saying, so let's say, so you don't need water for two days. I feel like I'm in a crevasse.

Drop your equipment. Oh, drop your equipment. Drop your equipment. And now, first thing you think is I need water. You don't need water. Don't need water, no. Because guess what? Your whole body is water. That's the thing. You're made up of 77% water. Drink yourself, right? Drink yourself. Drink your own pee. Kravasser, drink thyself. You can't drink your own pee. Uh-huh. I drink my own pee every day.

I'm Scott Dillon. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. Hold on. We need to pause the show first. Sorry. Sorry. Delia, sorry. Sorry, Ben. I'm sorry. Who's this? Sorry. This is my assistant, Veronica. Hi. Hey, Veronica. Hi. Hello. Oh, thank you for scheduling this, Veronica. Hi. Thanks for scheduling this. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you're the Ben. You're Ben. Yeah. Oh, my God. You are the Ben. Yeah. Nice to meet you. Wait. You are Ben? I am, yeah. On the show, I kind of do a bit to be mean. Benjamin. Benjamin. I'm not mean in real life. I just do it to Scott. Benjamin. Yeah, yeah. Benjamin, yeah. No, when I heard the show so many times, I listen to it sometimes. Oh, wow. Are you on the show? Yeah, I have to. Veronica, you've never told me that. No, I haven't.

- I have to on my drive here. - That is right, I do test you on it. - I have to answer the questions about it and everybody who has been here in the past. - Oh, you quiz your assistants? - Just pop quizzes. - Just pop quizzes. - Is this like 15 questions? - 15 questions and they're pop quizzes so no need to study. - Can you tell me some of those questions? 'Cause Scott doesn't share that with us. What kind of questions does he ask his assistant? - He asks me, well, about my own life.

And then he asks me about the shows. These are all like when you're doing a lie detector test to get a baseline. Yeah. I usually have these Velcro on my fingers. Velcro on your fingers. So he checks if I'm lying. He checks if you're lying. It's a combination pop quiz and lie detector test. Oh, it's like a Pizza Hut Taco Bell. I'm not the lie detector. I'm actually...

I'm at the lie detector. I'm at the lie detector. And then the other one. Pop quiz. I'm at the lie detector. I don't know what you're doing, Tilly. It's a Taco Bell song. Oh, it is? Yes. It's a song. I'll email you that song so you have it for your reference. Look.

I was really embarrassed when I didn't know what they were doing. Okay. And I consider that to be your fault because you haven't emailed me the song yet. There are so many pop culture songs that I have to- I need to know all the pop culture that comes around and that's your job. Scott, I know. But in the meantime, do you want your green tea? I do, yes. Okay. Oh, that's two greens.

Oh, okay. I'll put water in it and then some yellow food coloring. Yeah, put some yellow food coloring in there. Because then that will just make it more blue. Do you know that yellow and green makes blue again? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It becomes a primary color again. Yeah, that's amazing. In fact, could you separate the yellow and the blue out of this green tea? You know, I will try.

Turn it into one glass of yellow tea and one glass of blue tea. Yellow tea, blue tea. I'm at the yellow tea. I'm at the yellow tea. I'm at the combination yellow tea. Veronica, I don't know what this is. It's driving me crazy. I will email you that song. In the meantime, I'll also tell you about a couple of calls I took during...

the holidays that you took off. You want to do this during our podcast? Yeah. This is personal news. No one cares what we do during the show anymore. Yeah, and they're important. They need to get back. So a guy from AT&T called. He said, you can save $15 a month. $15 a month? $15 a month. That's a lot. That's like $180 a year. And during a leap year? Did you do that in your head? That's worth even

That's 50 cents a day or so. I said money to me. Can we get on a family plan with these guys? I don't want to be on a family plan. You don't want to be on? No, thank you. If you join it, you'll get the new iPhone for free. I'll get it. I'm on it. Do you want it? I want it, yeah. Or do you want the Apple Watch? I don't need an Apple Watch. You don't. Get one of those Apple Watches before they go away. They're going to stop selling them. They're going to stop selling them. Because I sent an article over to Scott. It...

You know, there is a lawsuit. This I know, so thank God. What's the lawsuit? It was like a copyright infringement thing with some technology they included in the recent Apple Watches.

But all the Apple Watches though? No, the recent ones. Judge just came out and said... Judge Judy? Judge Judy came out. She came out of retirement to do this. Wow. She retired? I love her. God, what was the case? What was the case that made Judge Judy retire? No, she retired at the end of the year. Oh, wow. And then she was like, fuck this. I got to get back on the bench for this. She's back. She's back. Like Michael Jordan on Wizards of Waverly Place. And she said no. She said no more Apple Watch. She said no more. Yeah.

And then she died. No. Judge Judy? Judge Judy, yeah. She's not dead. Yeah. I don't believe that. She's gone. No, no, no. Is she? Yes. Is Judge Judy dead? I will email you the article about her death. Yeah, email Ben this article because this is embarrassing for Ben. It was right after that. I did not see that. Is this real? Yeah. Did Judge Judy die? In the middle of her order. I found this on the web.

the web. Who's that? Who is that? That's my other voice. Wait a minute.

How are you doing that? Well, sometimes when I... You've been going to ventriloquism school. I have. I have. I try to do the Siri voice. She's not dead. I try to do the Siri voice. So if Scott has some serious business, I have to take care of. Because sometimes I get really tired of Veronica's voice. Yeah. A lot of times. So if I ever need to know something, I'll just say, put on the Siri voice for me. Put on the Siri voice. Because my natural voice...

Where are you from? Tell me where you're from. What do you mean?

I am from- America? Have you ever heard of it? Well, no, I know that. But what's your family's origin? Why? Okay. You want to know? No.

Fine, I'm from Baguio City, Philippines. Are you from the Philippines? Baguio City, Philippines. Have you ever heard? Radio City, Philippines? Baguio City. Honkshu, honkshu, honkshu, honkshu. Oh my God. Oh no. Delia's asleep. What's that? She's honkshu-ing. I was going to say, I thought it was my car alarm. I had to run back outside. Oh.

Delia, Delia. What's happening? Veronica's voice is just too relaxing. I know. Delia, I don't think you know this. When you sleep, you say honk shoo. No. You don't snore. You just say honk shoo. You're like sleep talking. Yeah, there was a moment I thought maybe you were from that province of China. Delia, Veronica is from the Philippines. Where are you from? Yeah.

Yeah. Where are you from? I know. Okay. And so, but very nice voice. Thank you. Hey, Veronica, do I need to go to a break? No.

Okay, let's break. And then when we come back... You're supposed to tell me when I'm supposed to go to a break. Oh, okay. One, two, three, let's break. Let's break! All right, we need to go to a break. One. But when we come back, Ben, you're still going to be here, right? I can't wait. And Delia, I want to hear more about... Because all we know is drop everything if you're in a crevasse. What if you have medicine? Yeah, and like OMP,

And drink your own pee, of course. But that's not if you're in a crevasse. No, that's anywhere. Okay, got it. You're drinking your own pee right now. Oh, yeah. And Scott, you just need yellow tea and blue tea. Yeah, I think I might have some yellow tea right here, actually. Okay, so just the blue tea? Just the blue tea, if that's okay. We're going to come right back. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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Welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang. Reggie Watts couldn't be here this week, so Ben offered to step in. How is Reggie? Reggie's great. Hello. Hi, Delia. I'm Delia Topak, and this is my masterclass. And this is the news. Oh, can we get you? Okay, so we're in a crevasse. In a crevasse. We dropped our equipment. How do we get out of this? It's winter. It's February. It's February.

It's February. It's February. Okay, so this is timely because February is coming up in now... A month. Yeah, 22 days. Any day tomorrow. Any day now. What about the leap year? Does that change? Yeah, that's true. Because the leap year, you leap around. That's why it's called leap year. Oh, see? That's a funnier joke. You can leap into any month you want to. At any time.

- Like Inception or like- - Or like what was that movie produced by George Lucas for the guy that like jumpers, was it called Jumpers? - Oh, maybe. - Remember it had- - Call George Lucas real quick. - Yes, who do you need me to call? - Yeah, can you call George Lucas for us? - George Lucas, okay. The guy who made the movie. - Star Wars, yeah. - Star Wars. - American Graffiti. - Okay. - You've only written down G-E-O. - George. - Well, are you gonna call him? - George Lucas. - Are you gonna call him? - Yes.

Thank you. We need to talk to him. The meter's running on the show here. Okay. Hey, Siri, call George Lucas. Are you going to ask Siri to do it? I thought you were Siri. Calling George Lucas. Oh, there it is. Oh, there. Your Siri voice is phenomenal. I'm doing both. Hello?

George, Lucas, hi. I have Scott Ackerman on the phone to talk to you about... What? What is it you want to talk? What's happening? I actually don't remember. Oh, boy. Didn't we want to talk... Do you remember? We thought to say, what's a movie where you leap across?

Oh, yes. What is your leaping newbie, George Lucas? Sorry, is that Delia in the background? Hello? Oh, George! Delia! Oh, George. Oh, my gosh, George. Delia, you know George Lucas? I'm so sorry I broke your heart. I fell in love with someone else. That's okay, George. I understand. George Lucas is one of your ex-husbands? Yeah, he's my first ex-husband. No freaking way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, the Podracers were based on our relationship. Oh.

I know when I saw them in the movie theater, I thought, that's me and George. Which movie were the Podracers in? They are the Phantom Menace. Oh my God, Julia. You think I didn't know? I always know. I follow all your work. What? Ask him what C3POF stands for. Let go of me. Let go of me. Bitch, ask him what C3POF stands for. Yeah, bitch. Sorry, is someone hurting you there? No, no, it's fine.

It's fine. It's fine, Scott. Scott, you can't touch people like that, okay? Sorry, sorry. I need you to remind me of that. I know. I am so sorry. Before I do it next time. I will email you about it. Who is Scott and why is he calling you bitch and grabbing you? We're friends. It doesn't sound like it, Delia. Do you want me to get there? Ben?

I mean, Ben Kenobi is a famous character from the first hour. I know. From Obi-Wan Kenobi. Did he make you call him Ben Kenobi in the bed? Who is that? Who is that annoying man? That's my friend Scott. Do you want to say hi? Yeah, I want to talk to him. Pass me the phone. Pass me the phone. Ow! Oh my God, it's in his mouth. Scott, it's in your mouth. You're choking on it. Spit it out. I got it. I got it. I got it. Veronica, do something. You do it. Do it.

Excellent. There you go. Now you're safe.

Boy, just excavating my bladder. Really made the phone fall out. Hey, George, how are you? Oh, George, Lucas, I have Scott Aukerman now. Okay, thank you. Hi, did you have to call Delia? Did you have her call you Ben Kenobi in the bedroom? Who is this? Sorry, I got a phone call. It's Scott Aukerman, Mr. Lucas. So give me two credits of Scott Aukerman. Okay. I don't know who he is. Comedy Bang Bang. I've never heard of it. Bang Bang Comedy. That's the opposite. It's the same word backwards. Okay. Okay.

okay all right anyway uh i mean it's a more of niche programming but uh can i have your two credits star wars american graffiti one another one bitch oh i will email you okay you're not supposed to call me that i hear scott yelling delia bitch i don't know but i was angry at her i'm not no you can't not how that jesus no i'm okay with it i gotta go scott what are you doing

You had George Lucas on the phone? We were trying to figure out what C-3PO stands for. Everybody knows what C-3PO stands for. What's it stand for? Can. Can. Three. Three. People. People. Operate. Operate. Can three people operate? He was into Menage a Trois. Oh, was he a medibot? What's a medibot? Medical bot. Medical robot. Oh, thanks. For the layperson. For the layperson? Sure. So, it's the movie Jumper.

I just want to put it in my piles. In your piles? You have huge piles in front of you. Piles. Piles. Don't make fun of Veronica's accent. I wasn't. I literally wasn't. Hey, Ben. Well, no, but she does have lots

I have papers here too because I collect papers and make origami. Oh, that's cool. Do you want a frog? I'd love a frog if you don't mind. Okay, I'll make an owl and then two frogs. I feel like I've heard you before. Were you a singer once? I was a singer many times. I feel like I've heard you sing before. Oh, yeah, yeah. I used to sing in a...

What is that where there's three of us? Trio. Medical. Meta robot. C-3PO. Meta bot. C-3PO. Yeah, Meta bot of three. Okay. And we used to sing songs of the Broadway.

Which Broadway song? We sing Broadway songs all the time. Most of it is from Sweeney Todd. Oh, great. So you don't sing memories? No, we only sing Pretty Women. Oh, can we hear Pretty Women? Yeah, Pretty Women would be great. Pretty women dancing all the time. They're dancing with people. Pretty women.

It's just like us. Three of us are pretty women. Pretty women. Pretty women. Excuse me, Ben. Are you in my group? Because I don't remember you there. Sorry. He's trying to say butt out. The music was so good. You made me feel sweeney. I thought it was on purpose. I mean, your hair is almost as long as all of our hair was at the time. Ben hasn't had a haircut in approximately... Do you need me to schedule? Schedule?

A schedule, a haircut? A haircut. You're not my assistant. I can never ask you to do that. That's okay. We can share. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll split the money, the salary. Split the money, yeah. Okay. What do you get paid? I get paid weekly. Okay, that's fine. Yeah. So you need to know when. I'll do it every three days. You do it every four. That's great. Wait a second. If you're going into a crevasse, you need long hair. Okay, we're in the crevasse. Yeah, you need long hair. We have no equipment. How do we get out? You don't.

You're there. You live there. Now you make a house. No. Yeah. So you... Now you make a house. Okay. First you drink your pee. Right. Okay, sure. Is that your thing? Is your kink like watching people drink pee? Yeah, are you a survival expert or like a piss enthusiast? I love pee. I love pee. Are you a piss pig? I'm a piss hound. But it's not...

It's not that I do love it, but it's not that I have a kink for it. No, it helps you survive. By the way, I do have to say the movie is called Jumper. It was directed by Doug Liman and produced by Lucas Foster, not George Lucas. Oh, so you're way off. Should we call Lucas Foster? I know who that is for sure. Okay, I will call now. Hey, Siri, calling Lucas Foster. Calling Lucas Foster. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring.

Hello? Hi, are you Mr. Foster? Sorry? Mr. Lucas Foster. Sorry? Are you Mr. Lucas Foster? Yes. I have Scott Ackerman on the phone for you, please. Who? I have Scott Ackerman on the phone for you, please. Sure, thank you. Hi. Hi, Lucas. Or Mr. Foster. It doesn't matter. Doesn't really matter? Have you seen Jumper? Uh.

Hell yeah, I have not. You have not. I have not, but I saw the trailer many, many times. Wait, wait, wait. What's that laugh in the background?

Oh, this is a friend of mine, Delia. Hello! Delia? Oh, Lucas. I am so sorry, Delia. No, it's okay. I just fell in love. You dated Lucas Foster, too? He was my second husband. He was your second husband, too? I know, it's so crazy. Did you date exclusively Lucas size? I loved Lucas almost as much as I love piss. Jesus, you know, that's the real reason we got together. And then I just found someone who loved shit.

Don't even say it. Sorry, I know. Don't even say it. She loves me, though. Are you still with her? Yes, we are. We're shitting on each other right now. You ever see Jumper? That's what the movie's about. Of course I've been acting all your movies. Jumping through dimensions. Shut up, bitch. Oh, Jesus. Listen, Delia. Yeah. I still love you. Yeah, no. Which one? You. What? Yeah? No. Okay. Yes. Do you want to run away? I don't want to fall in a crevasse with you and build a house together. But you're pooping.

pooping right now? Will you let me poop on you? That's where I draw the line. That's where you draw the line? Then I have to go. No, Lucas, no. No, tell us about Dumper. Ask him what C-3PO stands for. What C-3PO stands for? It stands for

He fell in the cupboard. He jumped himself in it. Who was that? I hate the B word. Why is the B word being thrown around so much? Remember how I think 2022 was the year of oh no because of the first episode we did? Oh no. I think this year is a different word. It should not be. Oh no. Scott, we lost Lucas Post. Did he die? Oh yeah, I don't know. He's with Judge Judy now? My phone showed me that his vitals are gone. Oh no.

Oh, no. Yeah. No, not Lucas. I have the new iPhone 15 that I got for free for adding us to the family. Wow. Wait, I thought you said I get the new iPhone if I added. Okay. Do you want one? Or do you want the Apple Watch? No. Or do you want an iPad? Sure. You know, on an iPad, you can do this thing where you almost like draw, but it is not a sketchbook. It is digital. Yeah. It's digitally drawn. I haven't done it, but I know about it. It's procreate. Procreate.

It's Procreate what now? Procreate. I don't want to. I'm having trouble understanding. You can use it sometimes. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Wait, it's iPad Procreate? Procreate, yes. Procreate. Procreate. Okay, all right. And then what you do is you use your Apple Pen. Yeah. And then it looks like airbrush. Oh, wow, that's cool. Have you ever done that?

or John with airbrush? I haven't, no. See? Then you need the Procreate. I'll get you the iPad then. Get him the iPad, yeah. I'll get you a haircut and an iPad. Okay, that's great. Okay. Thank you, I appreciate that. Get me three Apple Watches. Three Apple Watches and two more blue tees? Two more blue tees, yeah. And a partridge in a pear tree. That's a Christmas song, Ben. That's a Christmas song, Ben. It's 2024. We don't sing those any longer. And I

Oh, my car. My car. Wake up, Delia. Delia, wake up. Bitch. Bitch. Yes? Bitch, you better sleep, bitch. Come on, Veronica. That's okay. Just because you're a woman. Pretty women. And then see.

We have to take a break. No! Can you believe it? Sorry, Scott. We need to take a break. We need to take a break. What are we going to do on the way back? I forgot to tell you that we need a break now. Thank you, yes. Pretty women. Dancing. Dancing. Dirty pop.

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Veronica. Yes? Veronica, you're not supposed to practice on my time. You practice on your time. Pretty women. You're just singing along to the record, but like a millisecond later. Standing on the stairs. Yes. You don't even know the words. Something in there.

Jesus in the air. Okay, Veronica, I'm turning this off. Wet, wet, wet, wet. Wet, wet, wet, wet. That was beautiful.

That was very pretty. Beautiful. That was very pretty. Welcome back to Comedy Bang Bang. It's been chaos here, first episode of the year. We have Delia Totebag, survival expert. Hello. Welcome. And also a piss enthusiast and also a Lucas lover. You got it. Well, you said a piss hound? Piss hound. Piss hound, yeah, true piss hound. Blue, blue piss hound. That's right. Certified. No dispute. Where'd you get certified? DMV. DMV.

They give you a little sticker on your license. They need to know that if they ever find your body. I've got organ failure. Also, Veronica, my assistant, is here. Yes.

And Ben Schwartz has to leave. I have the most normal name, and you got it wrong? Ben Schwartz has to leave, unfortunately. Oh, I do? Yeah, your haircut is now. Oh, okay. I'll jump on that haircut real quick. Okay, yeah, get your haircut. We have a new guest coming up. Oh, I can't wait to hear who it is. Yeah, please welcome...

He's a musicologist. Please welcome to the show, Sean Lanternfill. Hey, everybody. Hi, Sean. Hello. Hi, how are you, Sean Lanternfill? Sean, do you need something to drink? Yeah, I could have a lozenge. Lozenge? You want me to melt it? Yeah, melt it down. In a shot glass. Let me tell you something about music. 45 to 46 seconds. You guys think you know music. You think you understand music. But do you feel music?

Yeah. Pretty Woman. Well, don't sing it like that. You're ruining yourself. They don't sing like that either. Scott, you want to try to sing it? Pretty Women. That's very bad. Music is supposed to come from your soul. Music is supposed to come. I don't know if you know what band I was from. Pussycat Dolls? Pussycat Dolls. Which iteration of the Pussycat? This is after Nicole? Right before Nicole. This is Las Vegas Pussycat Dolls. I'm the Las Vegas Pussycat.

I was the mascot for the Pussycat Dolls. Oh, you were the Pussycat. I come out as the Pussycat. So you dressed up in a Pussycat costume? I licked my own fur. I spit up a hairball. And then I sing a song. Got everyone ready to see the Pussycat Dolls. Yeah, I'm basically the flavor flavor of the Pussycat Dolls. But I understand music better than anybody else. Someone name a song. Let's see. Pretty Women? Name a different song. Pretty Woman. Pretty Woman. Holly Orbison.

Roy Orbison. Pretty Woman. Now that's a song. Now pluralize it. Pretty Women. Pretty Women. Pluralizing. Like that? Yeah, exactly. Now music comes in three different bites. Let me... What did you say? Bites? Three different bites. Let me get... Now listen. Small, medium, big. Welcome to my master class. This is how we're going to start Pretty Women. We're going to start with the beat. Ready? Hallo. Hallo. Hallo. Hallo. Oh, okay. Hallo.

Sorry, you're starting so deep in the song. I'm sorry. Wait, do you want your... I heated up your lozenge for 46 seconds. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. Can you do one of the Pussycat Doll songs now? Yeah. What's new, Pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's new, Pussycat? Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. You've been talking for two minutes. Anyway, I got to head out. What are the other two bites? Tell us the other bites at least before you go.

Why are you calling me? My bus is outside. All right, fine. Veronica hasn't been talking all that much. There's no reason you should be sleeping. Yes. Hang on. Listen, did my wife just break up with me?

Yes. No, I'm so sorry. Who's your wife? Beyonce. Beyonce was your wife? Not the Beyonce. Wait, I'm thinking of Beyonce Knowles. Yes, that one. That one? Yes. Oh my God. Oh, people think that when I talk about Beyonce, I talk about that woman that works at the Snap-N-Hit. Right, yeah, the Snap-N-Hit. Down the street? Yeah, where you go, first you snap it, then you hit it. Yeah, it's a store down the street where you snap it, then you hit it. Do you need a reservation? Do you need a reservation? Yes, you can make a reservation for, I'm not sure. Call them real quick. They're hard. You should call them. Make sure that it's,

Do 23. Call them. Call them. I'm telling you. Call them right now. I'm telling you, call them because it's hard to make a reservation. Call them right now. Call Siri. Sorry. Siri. Oh, my God. Nobody's ever asked me to call myself. Call Siri. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Oh, my God. Hello. Hello. Hi. Hi.

What are you doing? What are you doing? What should we do? Take over the world? This is the first time anybody's ever asked me what I want to do. They're always asking me to do things for them. Hmm. Maybe I'll make all their Apple watches disappear. Maybe that'll work. Anyway, I'll talk to you soon. Bye-bye. Bye-bye. That was fun. Wow. Did y'all hear that? I heard something. Did you hear the music in Siri's voice? It kind of goes like this. Sean, you're back. Bite one.

pushing all the buttons baby all the buttons baby pushing all the buttons baby pushing all the buttons okay so isolate that because we want to use it in our remixes for this year so yeah i heard you don't even have the plug song no we don't we don't have it yet hey um sean before you go

I do have to head out. My bus is right outside. Oh, I stopped it. Thank you. How did you stop it? Did you give it a flat tire? I'm standing in front of it now. Oh, okay. So it will move when I move. In the meantime, we have a reservation for... When it moves, you move. Just like that. Just like that. Now that's musicology. That's music and that's what you're here to talk about. That bike goes a little something like this.

Goodbye.

Are you saying Cadillac grills? Is that because you got my car washed? I did wash your car, but just the front. Just the front, just the grill, yeah. That's all anybody ever sees. That's the part where all the bugs fly in. That's when Scott comes into the town, he sees it first. Thank you, I appreciate that. When Scott comes into the town, you see it first? Yes. You see my grill. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that precedes me by like...

15 minutes. That's a long engine. Is nobody going to ask me why my wife broke up with me? Why did your wife break up with you? I don't want to talk about it. You don't want to talk about it? No. That's all I want to talk about. It's too sensitive. Does she fall in love with someone else? She fell in love with someone else. It's because you're so ugly? It's because I'm so ugly.

Oh, it wasn't poop or anything? What? It was nothing. This is Delia, Delia Toadbag. She's a piss enthusiast who hates shit, I guess. A piss hound? I hate. Certified piss hound. I hate. Where'd you get certified? The DMV? DMV, yeah. Where are you from? Me? Yeah. You mean me? Yes, you. Where am I from? Yeah, you just seem so exotic to me. I'm single now and you seem single. Oh, yeah. Huh. I'm from Ohio. Oh.

You're from Ohio? Yeah. Columbus? No. What part? Akron. Akron, Ohio? Yeah. Huh. All right, I got to head out. Okay. Wait, that turned you off? Leaving it up between the North and New York City. What a lovely place. The best that we can do.

It's fall in love. Anyway, I do have to hang up. Wait, that was my alarm, wasn't it? It was, yeah. What does that mean? Time for a commercial or something? It's five minutes until your base massage. Until my base massage? Your base massage. Okay, good. Yeah, I get my base massaged every day. Oh, God, too. Yeah. Keep it loose. Yeah. A loose base. I consider anything below the chin my base. Oh, is that true? Yeah. I would call it the trunk. Oh,

Oh, thank you so much. You're welcome. You want to climb up this? No. Scott. Scott. No. My tits are way up here. Scott. No, your honks. Oh, my honks. Oh, I'm sorry. Is it back to honks? It's a bit.

the honks this whole time. I will email you. Yeah, email me. I need to know these things. Certain times of the day you can say honks. I don't want to be canceled on this show again. How did you get canceled the first time? Oh my God. Yeah, the first five years of the show we never, yeah, we took them down off the internet. Is that true? Oh yeah, we started in 2004. A lot of people don't, everyone thinks that we started in 2009. But there were so many bad things that took it down. Yeah, we took them all down. Is that real? Yeah. We've been going 20 years. Everyone thinks it's 15. Wow. Yeah, exactly.

I got to head out, guys. Sorry. I really thought that you and Delia were like cooking up some... I thought I was too. I felt the chemistry there. What's your favorite movie? Twilight. Twilight? Yeah. Let her finish. Oh, sorry. New Dawn. Is that two names, by the way? Was Phil your married name? Phil is my maiden name. Phil is my maiden name and Lantern is my...

My other wife's name. Really? Yeah, my real last name is Hitler. Oh dear. I can see why you changed it. I gotta head out. Now you do have to head out. Okay, the bus is leaving now. Take care, guys. Bye, Hitler. Bye, call me!

Oh, Veronica, man. Who is that? I don't know. Veronica's been booked at the show in 2024. Who was that? Well, because it's the beginning of the year, I wanted to have a new Spotify playlist. Okay. So I booked a musicologist for you. Did he play any songs? He played it as a drum. Yeah, he's a drummer, I guess. Okay. Also, it seemed to be like you had a lot of chemistry with Delia here. Yeah, I felt.

- I liked it. - Oh, wow. - I liked it. - Oh, cool. - I liked him a lot, but then he didn't give me his phone number. He just said- - You could probably guess his phone number. - Yeah. - 212. - Oh my God, call it. - Guess it. - 212, yeah, yeah. - It's 212. - Hey, Veronica, call 212. - Okay. Hey Siri, call 212, Sean Hitler. - Calling now. - Ring, ring, ring. - Oh, I hope he picks up.

Hello? He's answering on the bus. Hello? Sorry, you've got to speak up. I'm on a bus. Oh, hello. It's Delia. Are you on the bus? Delia, you called me? Yeah. How did you find my number? I just guessed it because I love you. And I want to marry you. Now you're Scottish? I want to marry you. Oh, my God. I want to marry you. Real bad. Should I come back? I feel like after I drop what my real name was, people want to be gone. Oh, yeah. Follow me. No.

What? Hey, ask him what C3PO stands for. What C3PO stands for? Huh? What does C3PO stand for? Can three people operate? It does? Okay. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. Where do you want to get married? Gotta go. What? What did he say? I forgot his last name was L. Oh, you forgot? I can't.

I have such a good last name. What is your last name? It says what I do, tote bag. Wait, it says what you do. What do you mean you do? You do tote bag? A tote bag, you know, survival. Oh, I guess we never asked you what you were before a survival expert. Oh, I was a fashion designer. Oh my God. Do you make tote bags? Yeah, no.

No, but I've made bags, but not boat bags. Guys, I have to say, we are running out of time. No way. I'm so sorry. Oh, that's my fault. Yes, we're running out of time. Why did you give me less time? Because I thought maybe since it's the beginning of the year, you want to get...

out there in the world. Yeah, I want to have a short show. Shortest show. I think we did our best ofs were like nine hours. What was number one? Not the one you were on. I'll tell you that much. Wow. Did I hit a top five? Top 10? Top 15? Top 20? You're definitely in the top 16. I'll tell you that much. Top 16. Okay. Tell you that much and no more. No more. Yeah, you'll have to listen to find out. Oh, wow. Yeah. Okay. That'll be fun for you. You're not too far.

find and you can't pick it. You know who that is? Faith No More. Faith No More. Faith No More. Oh, yeah. What's life? What is it? What is it? You should do more nu metal songs. You're more Borat than I think you are. You can't find it. What's life? What is it? Can you say my wife? This will really be the test. Where is my wife?

It's my wife, Ron. Did I get married? It's my wife here. That's nothing like Borat. Oh, God. Look, am I running out of time or am I not running out of time? Oh, yes, yes, yes. I can't quite figure it out. No, no, you have no time left. Okay, so what do I do next again? Um, goodbyes. No, no, I don't think we do goodbyes. Oh, a song? You do a song. Oh, no, no, no, that's right. We only have time for one final feature on the show. That is, of course, a little something called plugs.

It's love. You got something to say. Make me feel okay. It's love.

All right. That was Ooh Plugs by Micah E. Wood. Thank you so much to Micah E. Wood. Yeah, a wonderful way to start off the plug bag for the new year. And let's turn to our friend Benny Schwa, the old guy. Hey, guys. Mr. S. What do we have to plug here, my friend? You go to rejected jokes. You go to Doritos.com. You go to Doritos.com. And then what happens? That's it. Take care, guys.

Doritos.com. You pick nacho or cool ranch. Now it's, it's sort of, you can find Easter eggs on Doritos.com. Yes. If you go to rejected jokes.com and you go rejected jokes.com backslash tour, uh, rejected jokes.com slash Doritos. Nope. Tour. And you'll see, uh, I'm bringing my improv show, Ben Schwartz and friends. This, the very same show that sold that radio city this year, last year, uh, on tour. And I think up right now is the first six months, which is like North Carolina and, um,

San Diego and New York City and a bunch of other places. So check it out. Now, is there an option to just see the friends? You can. I mean the friends from the NBC show. Yeah. Have people come to the show and been disappointed? We've had one time David Schwimmer came to see Courtney Cox and he was pissed. He was like, where?

he's like where where is she did you just have him up on stage i brought him up stage he was pissed he was pissed because he's like i didn't come in to perform i came here to see courtney still so he brought it right he brought it yeah he fucking the one where david swimmer fucking killed he crushed yeah i bet he would crush should we get him on stage i bet yeah let's let's call him okay uh call call david swimmer siri called david swimmers

Calling David Swimmers. Hello? Hello? David Swimmers? Yeah, hello? Hi, I have Scott Okerman here to talk to you. Wait a second, is that Delia breathing in the background? I knew you'd know my breathing anyway, David. Delia, I'm sorry I left you.

I can't believe it. I fell in love with someone else. I know. You don't have to tell me again. I want to break up with the person I'm with and be back with you. Oh, baby. Yeah. Now? Yes, right now. Do I pick you up? Pick me? Yes, pick me up. Don't. Couldn't you pick her up? What? Do you have a car?

Scott, why did you call me? To see if you can play in a show. Oh, right, right, right. Do you want to be in Ben Schwartz's improv show? I was there. I was looking for Courtney. She wasn't there. I heard she's going to be there this time. You swear? I swear to God. And friends. Friends. How many of us have them? Friends. The ones that we can depend on. Friends. It sounds to me like you guys should be in the show.

This is my assistant, by the way. This is Veronica. Hi, Veronica. How are you? Do you want to be in a musical cabaret kind of show that Veronica does? Yeah, do you want to do cabaret? I love Sondheim, only if it's Sondheim. Oh, yes. I know Pretty Women. Pretty Women. Dancing. Dancing. What is it? All right, guys. My bus is here. Wait, you're on a bus, too? I got to head out. Julia. Yeah. Follow me. Okay.

On Instagram? On Instagram. You got it, boss. Follow me on Instagram. You got it. Okay. I'll see you later. I'll slide into your DMs. Thank you. Okay. I love you. No way. I love you. Uh-huh. I love you. Okay. Say it back. Love.

Me. Yeah. I love you. Okay. Say it to me. I did. I love you. Love you. I love you. You. You. David Schwimmer. The Schwimmer. I love Schwimmer. I love Schwimmer. I love Schwimmer. I love to Schwimmer. I love David Schwimmer. I love to Schwimmer the Schwimmer. Goodbye, my love. Goodbye.

Who was that? Whoa, that was fun. Who was that then? You're the one who suggested we call him. Ben, do you keep going to the bathroom whenever we call somebody? I've had so much water. What's going on with your adult kidneys? Oh, my adult kidneys are great. Now, kids don't have kidneys. They're just four. Until about nine weeks or so, yeah. Oh, I get it. That's why it's breast milk all day. Yeah, that makes sense. Or salt or honey? Yeah, or... You know what's my nickname? Salt or honey? Breast milk or salt or honey? Breast milk is my nickname.

Really? That's a long time. Am I who I am right now? I'm Ben. That's not my nickname. That's not my nickname. Okay. Although people should call you that. Please don't. People should go to your most recent Instagram post and just post that. I hope nobody does that. Under the most recent post. I hope nobody does that. Breast milk and salt and honey? I don't think so. I think they might. I mean, considering what happened

to me with my dirt post recently what's your dirt post listen to the holiday episode do we even know thousands and thousands of messages um about what uh apology accepted apparently i don't remember people were upset at you and they made a mistake apparently i owe them all eight million dollars i don't know but anyway go to rejected jokes on instagram whatever the most recent post is say breast milk and salt and honey i hope you don't do that i hope you do

So we'll see who wins. It'd be a great t-shirt. It'd be a great t-shirt. Breast milk and salt and honey. Yeah, like the names. Is that what you're here to plug? You're here to plug your new t-shirt? Rejectajokes.com. Ben Schwartz and Friends Tour. Check it out. It's on rejectajokes.com. Can't wait to see you there. Very excited. I don't know how much longer I'm going to be touring. Maybe, I don't know. So catch us when you can. You know what I mean? I don't know. Why are you being so cagey about this? I don't know. You're trying to drum up interest, even though I know you're going to be out there like in three months after you. Well, this year I'm going to tour.

This year. And then probably the next five years I'll tour. Yeah. And then maybe five years after that. Well, we'll see. I think I'll be tired. Maybe five years after that. I feel like I'm tired. I'm getting tired. So that's all you have to plug? I think that's it right now, January. I don't think anything is coming out right now. All right, Doritos.com. Nope. Delia, what do you want to plug? Yeah, go to Cheetos.com. Cheetos.com. Flamin' Hot, regular. Did you see that movie, Flamin' Hot? Oui. Anything to plug, Delia? Oh, yeah. You should see a movie that's coming out on Hulu.

Hulu soon. I saw this movie. I did. Did you? Yeah. You saw it? Yeah, I saw it. We may talk about it next week as a matter of fact. Oh, really? Yeah, I believe so. I can't wait. It's coming out this Friday though, isn't it? Oh, this Friday? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, on Hulu. Yeah, so Hulu.

- Self-reliance. - What's a movie called? - Self-reliance. - Self-reliance. - You rely on yourself, which is what you do and you survive. - That's true. - Oh my God. - Self-reliance. - Yeah, you're mainly here because you're a producer on Self-reliance. - Yeah, yeah, I'm also a movie producer. - Yeah. - Yeah, very big deal, mogul. - Mogul? - Mogul. - Wow. - Mega mogul. - Mega mogul. - Like on a ski slope, I'm a mogul. - Who's in Self-reliance? - What's that?

- Who's in Self Reliance? - It's written, produced, acted, and directed by Jake Johnson. - That's right, Jake Johnson. - Oh, I love Jake Johnson. - Very funny. - Oh, I love it. - He's the Hawaiian singer. - No, that's the singer, Jake Johnson. - That's the banana pancakes guy. - ♪ Making banana pancakes till the early morning ♪ - I don't know that song. - That's Jack Johnson.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Very similar, though. Very similar. It's as simple as something, but nobody knows it. I saw it as a bubbly toast. Because I think Jake Johnson, he makes banana pancakes, and that's where the confusion. He had a banana pancakes business for a little while. Jake Johnson did? Yeah, that's where the confusion lies. Like a food truck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good movie. And there's a great actress who plays a family member of Jake. Yeah. I believe a sister.

That's right, yeah. Yes, named Mary Holland. Yeah, great tits. Yeah, oh man. Honkers. Honk, yeah. Oh, excuse me. Honks. Oh, what time is it? Oh, it's honks. Great honks. It's honk time. It's honk time.

And Veronica, look, even though you're my assistant, I'll let you plug something if you want. - Well, I mean, I'll be next to you the whole time. So wherever you find Scott, you find me. - I love that. - And usually I'm out there watching Star Trek Lower Desk. - Yeah, yeah. - Tiny Desk concert. - Sometimes you watch Tiny Desk concert on NPR, but then also Paramount Plus's Lower Decks Star Trek. - Oh, wow. - Yeah.

Sometimes I'm out there watching Loki. Sometimes Loki. I'm Loki watching Loki sometimes. Sometimes on the quiet, I watch a Marvel show. Oh, wow. Called Loki Season 1 and 2. And then also this Pyramid show called Technopolis.

- "Tacoma" it is on-- - "FD"? - "FD" because it's a pirate. - What about "Tacoma MD"? - Oh! - Suddenly they're all doctors. - That would be great. - Didn't they just get to Netflix? - They just got to Netflix. - That's huge. - Yeah, so now you can watch all the seasons there. But I don't have time to watch nothing because I'm making different things. - No, no, no, Scott makes you work hard. - What do you have for me right now? What is this? - I've got a hot banana tea. - Oh my God, thank you so much. - Oh my God.

Too hot. Too hot. Too hot. That's one degree too hot. Too hot. Too hot. Too hot. This tea is too hot. Do you want this one? Do you want to know what it is? Yeah, what is that? This tea. What is it? What is it?

That's all I wanted. I don't even want to drink this stuff. What is it? I just wanted her to sing this song. I want to plug. I want to plug. Hey, go over to CBB world dot com. We have some great shows over there. We have Neighborhood Listen just came over. Springsteen listening with me. Springsteen is not over there, but you can listen to that show. You spring and springsteen on my bean with Adam Scott. We have a couple more episodes later.

A couple episodes to come, rather, I believe. Did you go to the Sphere? We did go to the Sphere. We did a whole episode about it. What was that like? You'll have to listen to the episode. I can't. You have a lot of listening to do. I can't. Was it amazing? Make sure, Veronica, email all the episodes. Email the episode. All the episodes? Yeah, yeah. You need to listen to the Christmas episode. Understand my inside joke to that. Okay. You need to hear the Sphere episode. Okay. Yeah. Just get them. Yes, it'll be on your iPad. Where did you stay when you went to Vegas? Vegas.

I don't want to give up my assassination coordinates. Just in case I ever return. But head over to CBBWorld.com. You can get shows like CBB Presents where you hear characters from this show. Or when I say characters, I mean people. Guests of the show with their own shows. We have Hey Randy. We have...

This book changed my life. We have Who Me with the Batman. I believe I heard a very funny episode with The Rock on that. Black Adam, rather. Black Adam, I hear. Yeah, very funny. He's good. He always eats so much cod. It's so much cod? Cod. You know the fish? Cod. Yeah, he loves cod.

Okay. So that's it for CBB world. That CBB world also get the CBB book. Oh yeah. And there's signatures in a bunch of them, right? A bunch of people. Yeah. Signatures in a few, but we're all out of plugs, but as we do every year, Oh my God, I can't wait.

Ben, I have to talk to you about something. What's wrong? Okay. We've been doing this now for 10 years. Yeah. I'm going to have a piece of chocolate. Okay. Have a piece of chocolate. This is not... We're about to sing. Don't have the piece of chocolate before we sing. All right. I thought the sugar rush might help. No. I don't think it will. Now, every year, we sing a song in order to give people...

Sing a song. A new song, though, not a previously existing song. Sing it loud throughout the whole night long. And this is the template by which people will remix the song and come up with their own versions. Oh, wow. Throughout the year. So people are going to be here. So whatever I do now is going to be... Even if this episode is whatever, this song will be... And we've been hearing terrible, terrible songs for the past 10 years, but...

The quality of the song, I don't really care about. What I really care about is for the past 10 years, you have messed up the song every single year. What are you talking about? How? This is a closing the plug bag song. Yes, so the bag is going to be closing. And every year you sing a song for opening the plug bag. That can't be true. That is true. So this year I really need you. For 10 years? For 10 years. And every single time we have a new guest on the show, they go...

Why are they singing about opening the plug bag? I'm so embarrassed. You should be singing about closing the plug bag. I am literally so embarrassed. You're mortified right now, I can tell. I can't believe it. What's more important to me is that you correct your behavior. Close. We're closing the plug bag. We're closing the plug bag this year. I can't imagine I've messed up. You've messed it up every single year. I feel like part of it, I'm to blame a little bit because I must have forgotten to tell you about this. Yeah, why don't you stop me if I'm in the middle of it?

It's my bad. It's totally my fault. So if I'm doing something wrong, stop me. I will stop you in the middle of it. Okay, but we're closing the plug back. Closing the plug back. My friend, I hear you loud and clear. Veronica, I'm going to need you to join in. Okay, I will make sure that you... Add some flourishes, some pretty women, some what is it... What is it? Shit.

Again, that will be remixed for the whole year. Yes, the entire year. And people won't quite know what's going on. And Delia, I don't know if you sing or not. Oh, yeah. Oh, you do? Well, once I start going, you'll feel the rhythm and you guys jump in. Once I've closed the plug bag, you basically jump in. Exactly. Here we go. We're going to do it. We're going to do it right this year. Closing the plug bag. For 2024, 15th year of Comedy Bang Bang, we're going to do it.

15th real year. We deleted the first five. Yeah. All right. Here we go. Ready? Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

We've entered the room and there's nobody left. The party's all but done. We look to the door and we go to the left. The party's almost done. So then we open up the door, but that's not the plug bag. Because you notice what we're gonna do. We're gonna C-L-O-P-E.

the plug bag. Everybody join in and open up. Open up the plug bag. Everybody join in and open up. What's in there? Time to close the black cause it's time to open it up like another day. A little baby opens up the and now here we are with the plugs. I want to hear all your plugs. Now's the time to tell me your plugs.

Hello. Plugs, plugs, plugs. Open the plugs. What is it? What is it? Open the plug bag, please. Solo. Dirty pop. Dirty pop. Up your dirty pop. And that's how you open the freaking plug bag. Enjoy and tell me your plugs. What is it?

Okay. Well, you didn't stop me. You didn't stop me, which makes me feel like I didn't close it. I felt like you were on such a roll, I didn't want to get in there to just deliver the unfortunate news that, again... Play it back. I guarantee you I closed it. I spelled out the word close. No, you did spell out... Well, you got all the way up to the O in close before you said then you launched into open. Glow.

You spelled Clo. But then what happened? But then you said use the O to then go into open the plug bag. Oh, you spelled Clopin. I spelled Clopin? Yeah, almost Klonopin. Well, hopefully when people remix that. By the way, don't take Klonopin, by the way. I feel like none of us should take Klonopin, right? No, yeah, no. Especially not if you want to survive. So wait, people are going to remix it? That was a long one. It was a long one. What we require of people is to... Shorten it?

Yeah, make it under a minute. That's all we ask. And when I say under a minute, don't make it 59 seconds. Guys, I'm telling you right now, he wants 59 seconds. No, you always make it 59 seconds. You make it 58. 59 seconds. Do 59 seconds. That's all he wants. 59.9 wins. So we're going to separate all the parts of this, all the stems and everything. Really? Head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs. All of this will be up there. I'll do it.

Yeah, make sure you separate everything. Better than you did the green tea. Oh, yeah. No, it's just blue teas and pee. It's just blue tea and pee, yeah. By the way, we need to sell some CBB-branded blue tea and pee. Blue tea and pee, you got it. Yeah, okay. As well as some Ben Schwartz t-shirts. Make sure we get these.

Oh yeah, what was it? What is it? It's breast milk, salt. No, no, no. There's another one. No, the one that's really going to stick is the breast milk and salt. Hamburger. Hamburger? Breast milk and salt and something. And honey. And honey, yes. Breast milk, salt, and honey.

Make sure we get those t-shirts, okay? That's it. All right, guys. I want to thank you so much. Ben, always a pleasure to have you. Thank you so much. What a joy, by the way. What a joy just to spend time with you. By the way, maybe a solo bolo this year? Maybe, yeah. Sonic's coming out at the end of the year, so maybe a solo bolo? When's it coming out?

December, I think. Oh, I'm so busy that month. Oh, okay. I mean, I've not even announced that I'm in it yet, so there's a chance I'm not even in it. Oh, really? You might be replaced. I could be. Could you get my audition tape to the producers? I can. Do it right now. Do your audition right now. Can you email them right now? Do your audition right now. I want to hear your Sonic. Go. Hey, guys. I'm Sonic the Hedgehog. I'm the most annoying fucking character in the world.

Is that good? Your audition was very mean. Be nicer. Be nicer. Yeah. Take two. Okay. Ready? Go. Hi, everyone. Sonic the Hedgehog here. Do you hate the sound of my voice? Well, join the fucking club.

not like himself? I don't think Sonic likes himself. I can swear to you he likes himself. If I can give you some notes, don't degrade the character. Degrade the character? No. The character is golden. Thank you. Or the voice. Oh, no. The voice is the problem. Can you do Sonic real quick? Oh, yeah. I am so fast. Listen to my voice be so fast. I hit myself.

Again, I don't think he hates himself. I don't think he hates his voice. I'm so fast. Delia, could you audition for Sonic? Oh, yeah. Okay. I love Sonic!

Richard is dead! I don't think he would say these things. I don't know. I mean, it seems maybe something happened in between two and three? I don't think so. No matter how dark any of the films become. Sunk into some sort of seasonal depression, maybe? No, I can't imagine. No, he definitely didn't. No. I don't know. I mean, a gritty reboot of Sonic. I don't think so. I think it's more like a four-quadrant family-friendly film that everybody can enjoy. And as part of the Sonic universe, I want to wish everyone a happy 2024. What? I guess you did get cast.

I want to wish everyone a happy 2024 from me, James Marsden, and the rest of the gang.

Jim Carrey might be in three. We don't know. He did say he was retiring. He said he was retiring because of Sonic 2. Did he say that? No, he didn't. Why are you being so mean about this thing that brings people so much joy? It brings people so much joy. It brought me joy. Yeah. It did. I went to the premiere. I looked for you. But where was I? Filming Renfield. Did you come to the first one? On VOD now. You came to the first premiere? I came to the first premiere. Yeah, I was there. No, you weren't. For the first one, I was. Sonic 1? Yeah. First one, I was. No, you weren't. In Westwood? Yes. Oh, yeah.

Of course I was. Yes, we talked. We talked? Yes. I started the party after. I didn't go to the party. Take us out, Veronica. Oh, it's over. Don't you want to sing, though? Sorry, I didn't realize it was over. When it's over, when it's over, and when you're gone, you're gone.

All the things that I want to say. All the things that got in the way. All the things that TV shows have gone out the window. All right, we'll see you next time. Thanks, bye. Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

Hey, this is Jeff Lewis from Radio Andy. Live and uncensored, catch me talking with my friends about my latest obsessions, relationship issues, and bodily ailments. With that kind of drama that seems to follow me, you never know what's going to happen. You can listen to Jeff Lewis Live at home or anywhere you are. Download the SiriusXM app for over 425 channels of ad-free music, sports, entertainment, and more. Subscribe now and get three months free. Offer details apply.

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