Adam Scott, Harris Wittels, Chelsea Peretti
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Two years ago, a momentous recording occurred in this very room. Well, I've gotten all of the participants back together.

We're going to do Farts and Procreation 3. That's right. It is happening. We're going to do it. All of that and more all on today's. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang.

What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her? Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Hey, great catchphrase! Dancing for powerful men. Thanks so much for submitting that. What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her? I wonder! Well, welcome. You asked for it. It's happening. Let me set the scene a little bit. By the way, welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. I'm your host, Scott Aukerman. I'm Harris.

Not yet. Not yet. Not yet, Harris. I'm Harris. No, not even yet. Let me actually introduce you. Okay, yeah. Let me set the scene. I'm Adam. That one I wanted. Whereas I am Chelsea. Those two were fine. Harris, not yet. Let's paint the scene.

Two years ago, almost, a group of people gathered together in this very room, and they liked each other's company somewhat. Did they? And maybe they didn't, but something happened in that room. Magic was made. Yeah, I'll say.

What were you saying? I'll say something happened. Like what? Well, I'll say that. I'm saying I will say that. Okay, let me know when you're about to. Okay. Just give me a heads up of like five seconds. No problem. Okay. So something happened in that room and it was magic. I'm not going to say that.

Okay, you're not going to say it, but... Nope. Okay, good. Well, Scott, I am going to. Okay, give me a heads up, though. I'll say it. Okay. Okay, yeah. But whenever you do, yeah, just let me know. No problem. Okay. Already unlistenable. Yeah. Absolutely. That's our trademark thing. That was called Farts and Procreation. Then a year later, we gathered together in the exact same room, same heat.

Same time of day, which was about 7.30 at night, sweltering heat in the summer, and we did farts and procreation too. And guys, 10 months later, we are back here for the threequel. Is that what it is? I know the three-peat. You're a Lakers fan, Chelsea. Is this a three-peat, what we're doing?

It's hard to say. I haven't known what we're doing from minute to minute at any of the times we've convened. You know? I mean, I feel like it's like the experience of doing this is like...

It's like being out at sea. There's no ship in sight. There's no buoys. There's no friendly seal. No. There's no, you know, even a hallucination of a sailor, you know, waving to you. It's all just up to us to figure out how we're going to get to safety. Right. You know, are we going to get out and paddle the boat? Are we going to like... There's no boat. There's no boat. There's no paddle. Okay. Do we have life jackets? I am alone. Okay.

Wait, we're not even here? It's just you and a tiger, Richard Parker. Oh, Richard Parker. Is that a pie? That's a life of pie. I never saw that. Is that a pie? Is that what you said? I forgot the movie was called Life of Pie. I was thinking of pie. Is that how you talk about movies? You say, is that a pie? Yeah. Or is that a... Listen, I just saw Reality Bites for the first time. Oh, what'd you think? Never one to be in the loop. I thought Ethan Hawke looked it down.

Good. Oh, yeah. He still looks good, right? Great review. And these guys were talking about... R.I.P. Roger Ebert. Taking his place. But let me tell the listeners what they're listening to. You're listening... Well, these guys were really into Wynonna. Just to throw that out there. They were, like, creaming their... Oh, yeah. Wynonna Judd? No shame in that. Can I ask something? Sure. If Ebert, like...

and came back to life. Wouldn't it be funny if, like, two thumbs came through the dirt instead of, like, a hand? Is that phone corner? I guess, yeah. It could be considered phone. Should we hear the theme, I guess? By the way, I need to introduce you, but let's get to the theme after I introduce you. It should just be one thumb, though, and then skulls.

Siskel should be the one. Do you think they're buried next to each other? I know that they're buried next to each other. This is the theme song of Harris' phone corner. Say it again. Also, well, it'd be funny if Ebert, if he zombified and then instead of his hand coming up through the dirt, two thumbs came up through the dirt. Yes, it would. What if, um, and like if...

Who's a dead guy with a dick? All of them. What? Other than guys that were killed by getting their dick taken off. Yeah, so... Wait, now that monkey did tear off someone's dick and the guy died from it. So you're not talking about him. Not that guy. Process of elimination. We have everyone else left. Okay, so if any of those guys, like their dick came up through the dirt...

Anyone else. What? Any human male who is dead. So you're just saying you'd like to see a zombie dick come up through a grave. Yeah. Sure. What about, like, a porn star that was famous for his dick? Exactly. I guess that is more apropos. Yeah, what's his face? Yeah, that dead guy with a dick. John Holmes? No. John Holmes? Clark Gable? Who are you thinking of? The guy who's known for his big dick. But he has to be dead.

Oh, but he will be. Milton Berle. So like Ron Jeremy or something? Yeah, you're talking about Ron Jeremy. You think he's going to die soon? I hope so. What? Jesus. What? He's a human being. Well, this is a comedy show. With a big dick. Oh, that's true. That's true. It was funny. Joke clause.

Let me explain who you guys are. Unless, Adam, you wanted to say something. I just wanted to say, has it really been ten moths since we got together last time? No, ten months. You've got to put an N in there. How many moths has it been? A thousand. I don't get it. I saw a moth last night at my house. Really? And I was like, man, it feels like it's been like 20 moths.

Oh my God. Since you saw that moth. Well, now it's been like three months since I saw that one. I want to be a conscientious objector to that joke. This is Farts and Procreation 3. Three people from Parks and Recreation. That was the cold open? Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, man. This is the title sequence. I thought we were almost done. That was great. Let me introduce you guys. Of course, you have writer on Parks and Recreation, Harris Whittles. Yeah. Woo. Yes. Yes. You have top-lining Parks and Recreation, you have Adam Scott here. Woo. And former writer, and we'll get to what she's going to do now that she's not writing on Parks and Recreation, much like we got to it last time, Chelsea Peretti is here. Thank you. Thank you, guys. You keep me going. Woo.

Friends, I guess it's safe to say. You guys are all... Barely.

Honestly, truthfully, we're not really friends. Is this the only time that you three get together? Yeah, and that's why it's so magical, because we're dying to hang out. Because we have everything stored up from ten moths ago. It's hard to get you guys together, because why yearly farts and procreation episodes? Why not monthly? It's like, why celebrate your birthday once a year? Let's do it daily at 4 p.m. Well, because all that cake gives you a sweet tooth. Or a...

Cavity. Sweet tooth is harmless. You just want more cake. That's fine. You got it. All that cake gives you a cavity.

That's fine, I guess. It is true that when you eat sweets, you want more sweets. It's true. Ladies! If having a slice of cake every day gives me a cavity, then you know what? Call the dentist. Do you really want me to call the dentist? If you wouldn't mind. You don't have a dentist yourself? I don't. Do you have anyone to recommend? I do. My dentist is Asian, but he sounds exactly like Obama. And he's like, Chelsea, your teeth look very clean.

That's a pretty good Asian Obama. Thank you. And he's like, he actually said this. Wouldn't it actually be, your teeth look very cream? Oh my God. What year is this? I can say that. Because it's a joke clause. I'm racist.

What were you going to say about this Asian Obama? Oh, he did say to me, point of pride for me is I have no cavities. And he said to me, like, well, that's the cleanest mouth I've ever seen. And I was like. And he goes, let's dirty it up. Plop. Wow.

Chelsea, have you ever gone out with a professional man? What does that mean? What I mean to say is a business professional, you know? Like, you mean an office job? Yeah, like normally you go out with artists, right?

An office job type motherfucker. My brother was making fun of me because I said the word businessman to describe someone. He's like, no one thinks of themselves as a businessman. They're a business man. I'm a businessman. What do you want to be when you grow up? I want to be a businessman. Yeah. So, but have I dated someone who has an office job? Yeah.

Take us through, like a day trader or... I don't think so, actually. Like a person who works in a cubicle? You just, you like artists because you connect with them on a deeper level. Break dancers, comedians, etc. Yeah, okay. Actors. That's weird. Have you really not dated, like, a person with a regular job? Have you? No.

Yeah. Who? Who? Was she? This enchantress. By the way, this is not Leslie Knope. You're not in Parks and Recreation right now. Oh, well then no. Okay. You're Adam Scott. You're the actor. That's right. I keep forgetting. You're the handsome actor who can date Hollywood actresses. I keep forgetting. Yeah, yeah. Okay. It's easy to slip into a role. You just saw it happen and then I slipped right out of it. Who were you dating when you were 18? Yeah. Yeah.

When I was 18? Yeah. Molly Ringwald. Molly Ringwald. That's huge. Yeah. That's crazy. Wait a minute. How old is she? You're Ad-Rock. Yeah. Oh, my God. How's it going? Wait, no, you're not Ad-Rock. Isn't he the dead one? Did he date Molly Ringwald? I think so. Is he dead? Cool.

Or wait, he is dead. Stick his dick through your grave! One of the Beastie Boys dated Molly Ringwald and one dated Ione Skye. Well, Ad-Rock dated Ione Skye, definitely. But I feel like he was the one who everyone wanted to date. You know what Ione means? I don't want any. Ione! Ione! So, yes, Adam?

You were talking about dating. Who you used to fuck that was a secretary. No, I don't know. Someone's stammering. When I was 18, I was in high school and stuff. Wait, you were in high school when you were 18 years old? What are you, an idiot? I was in high school until I was 24. How old were you guys when you were? Pretty much 17. 17? That's junior high school. No, I mean, I turned 18 right after my senior year.

I don't know any of this. Well, that's, you graduated, were you like a genius or something? You like graduate super early? No, just a regular person who happened to be born in July. Huh. Huh. Well, that's, because that's how old I was when I was in the seventh grade. I was 18. It was 18, really? Yeah. Oh, okay. When'd you lose it? That's cool. This is a great. You're like Billy Madison. Yeah, this is, yep. That's cool as hell. Killer bit. Killer bit. Killer bit.

Guys, catch us up with your lives. I mean, you guys don't get together. When was the last time that you've seen Chelsea, honestly? Either of you. Well, I saw Adam doing his thing. What? Chelsea and I just worked together like two weeks ago. What does that mean? Doing his thing. Well, I was going to let you do it. Chelsea is...

one of the stars of an upcoming episode of the greatest event in television history. Yes! And I have to say, it was so fun. Oh, good. It was so fun. I'm really excited. When can people see this? That, I think it'll be in August or September. My gosh. Sitting on it for a while, huh? We're going to let it percolate. We're going to sit right on it. There is one... Sit right on it. There's...

There's one on June 6th that will... This won't be out by then, probably. This, but... There was one. Chelsea's episode will be in August. How many of these are you making? Don't worry about it. We just did two of them. Don't worry about it. Oh, sorry. Oh, my gosh. Well, this is big news. This is a big acting role for you. I mean, this production level was crazy. This whole thing was... Was it...

It was. I felt like it was. Wow. That's fantastic. And did she have to audition or was this offer only? Yeah. How many times did I have you come in? I mean, Adam saw me like 10 times. Yeah. And then, you know, I had to meet with the producers. I had a couple of lunches and stuff. I had to meet with the security guard on the lot. Oh, that's really odd. How did that go, by the way? I never checked in on that. I mean, she was crazy, but...

She asks a lot of stuff. You gotta be to do that job. A little bit. Hey, seriously. You ever studied that? It's true. I have studied it. Me too.

You guys both studied that? I majored in that. You majored in how crazy one has to be to do a security guard job? It's called security studies. Oh, social security studies? So we did that, and then it went from there, me and Harris. Oh, it just went from there? We went to school together. My thesis was about how you got to be super crazy. Okay, and did you disprove it? No.

It was a waste of time. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. So you guys saw each other and then Harris – hey.

I just gestured and it tore my headphones off. Almost ripped off your head. Yeah. That can happen. I've seen it happen. Oh, my God. People being decapitated. That's happened in here like four times, right? Yeah, people have had their dicks ripped off and then they can't come back as a zombie. Harris will not talk about that. No, he will not. When's the last time you saw each other? You guys worked together on the show, right? I haven't seen him since we were last shooting, probably. I wish you had an exact date. Okay.

I've seen him sooner than he's seen me. Do you guys see each other on the set? I mean, more recently. Yeah, what does that mean? Are you ESL? Do you see him? We saw each other at the wrap party. Oh, yeah, yeah. We went to a wrap party. Where's a wrap party for Parks and Recreation? Where does something like that happen?

You don't even know what that place was. Yeah. Oh, you know what? This is funny. I wasn't there. Oh, okay. But you were thinking of other Jewish writers. Were you really not there? Yeah. I forgot where I was. Oh,

Oh, my sister's wedding was that weekend. Oh, the only excuse for missing a Parks wrap party. Exactly. You know what I mean? Oh, I saw you at your sister's wedding. Wait, you were at your sister's wedding? Well, the wrap party was at my sister's wedding. That is a weird place to have a wrap party. And you save costs, you know. The party's already happening. Yeah, exactly. Figured all this people that would be at your sister's wedding would probably just be at the wrap party. Yeah, exactly. The Wax family. A lot of overlap. Yeah. The Wax family? Well, W-A-C-H-S.

It's my sister's husband's last name. And they pronounce it wax? Yeah. Okay. Really? Yeah. That's how they pronounce their name? Yeah, take it up with the waxes, man. I think I will. All right. If you don't mind. Can you say their contact info on the podcast? He doesn't mind this. He doesn't mind? Is he a fan of your work? Yeah, sure. Sure. I think so. It's kind of like self-aggrandizing to say that someone is a fan of me. Is it really self-aggrandizing? Is it a humble brag? No.

Guys, Humblebrag is dead, y'all. Is it dead? I now pronounce it dead. Did you take it off Twitter? So shut up about it. It's still on Twitter, but I've stopped updating it. Really? So you got the book money. I got the book money and I got out. Wow. So you haven't updated it since the book came out? I gotta say, I updated it once since the book came out, and it felt good. It was like putting on an old pair of...

Yes? Underwear. Undie underwear? It's like putting on a real old pair of underwear that you found outside. Why give it up, Paris? But no, it's cool. You made snitching into an industry. Why give that up? Don't hate because you ain't. Why did you? I am curious why you stopped. Oh.

You know, at a certain point, I think you get tired of anything that you do. You know, much like, you know, relationships. Relationships. Yes. Are you guys both breaking up? Yeah. Yeah. With each other. Cool up's out. We're switching spouses. Is that what you want to do? I'm fine with that. I thought, why not bring it up now? Wait, you don't get Rocky, though. Oh, well, then I'm out. Really? Yeah. You only wanted to have sex with Cool Up because of Rocky? I wanted to have sex with Rocky. Oh, that's all right. I'll let you have sex with Rocky. Cool up.

Wait a minute. Adam, you ever wife swap? Yeah. Actually, I don't know if you watched. I was on an episode of Celebrity Wife Swap. Wipe Swap? Yeah. Wipe off. Celebrity Wipe Off. No, Celebrity Butt Wipe. Where celebrities...

Go to each other's houses and wipe each other's butts. What celebrity did you get? It was Jeff Kearns. Oh, okay. And you wiped his butt or he wiped your butt? Not Jeff Kearns, Jeff Conway. Okay, that's decidedly different. Yeah. Is it he dead? Yeah, he is dead. The state that he was in, he must have had a lot to wipe. Oh, did his butt stick up through the ground and he wiped his butt?

Let me explain what Harris just said. Did his butt stick up through the ground when he became a zombie? Is that how you phrased it? Yeah. And then you wiped it. Yeah. Yes. Cool. Good. Cool show. Have you seen the Depends commercial for that lady on Dancing with the Stars? Depends. I mean, I'm saying yes. He's saying yes. Wait, who's the lady on Dancing with the Stars? What's her name? Walker? Walker.

Walker? No, she's a dancer. Walker? You, Walker, is your cousin. What? Wait, Walker. Wait, I want to find out who this is that's on a Depends commercial. Oh, it's the Asian lady on Dancing with the Stars, but I forget her name. She should have passed?

She's in a defense. She shit her pants? She's in a defense. Does it smell like weird in here now? Yeah. Hot doggy? Well, it's just because we've been talking about shitting in people's pants. Yeah, and butt sticking up out of zombie butts being wiped. Weird, an Asian lady on Dancing with the Stars shits her pants? Wait, oh, maybe it's not Dancing with the Stars. What are you talking about? I don't know. I don't know. Are you talking about Connie Chung? No. That's a good one.

I'm talking about Maury Popovich. Oh, Jane Yum... Susie Nakam... Jane Yum. Jane Yum Kapoor. Jane Yum. Jane Yum Kapoor. Did you know that... What? What? Yum Kapoor is the Jewish Chinese New Year.

Harris, do you have, speaking of foam, which I think that qualifies as, do you have any more foam? We played the theme song. I don't have foam, but Adam and I do have characters, new characters. No, no, we can't get to that yet. We gotta take a break before that happens. Wait, do you mean Carax? What? Carax? Oh, yeah, we have some Carax. You have some new Carax? Yeah. Okay, everyone knows your Carax, your famous Carax, of course. Yeah, exactly. We have Brian...

Pieces. Brian Pieces. And Carl S. Jr. Carl S. Jr. Which apparently... How I Met Your Mother writers are fans of this show, apparently. Yeah, well, I talked to the guy who was on set for that episode. Seriously? They swear, yeah, they swear there's no foul play. No foul play, really? No one got murdered in the writing of that joke? Two great minds thinking alike. I can't imagine that...

anyone else's brain would put together the world's dumbest joke in the world. Listen, I felt the same, but I take him at his word. What did they do on How I Met Your Mother? They did a Carl Sajunior joke on How I Met Your Mother. That's insane. And I thought that your spidey sense would have went up.

It did, but I didn't know what it was about. Okay, now I see. So wait, you remember that Monday night? Yeah, I saw. Spidey sense went, because I just get visions. Oh, what did you get a vision of? I got a vision of just...

of Spider-Man telling a joke on a CBS sitcom. Oh, okay, yeah. Was it Spider-Man who told the joke? It wasn't, but I see what's happening here. You get Spidey sense. Yeah. So Spider-Man interprets these things. Every time it's Spider-Man. Yeah, no, this was actually Jason Segel. So Segel-Man.

Oh, see, there's the connection. Yeah. Because he played Spider-Man in one of the movies. Yeah, he's I Love You Man. Got it. Not Spider-Man. So they said it Carl's Jr. Yeah, they said Carl's Jr. I haven't seen it also. I was just told this on Twitter. That's okay. No, people think of the same thing all the time. Yeah, listen. But not that. That was stolen. Really? You think it's stolen? Absolutely. I don't know. Listen, I'm too blessed to stress that.

He missed it. Too blessed to stress. Too blessed to stressed. Of course, we all know your characters Rodney Ogg and Blaze. Yeah, Rod Ogg and Blaze. Right.

We've heard from them several times, but you have new corrects, you say. Don't tell us who they are, because I want the listeners' mouths watering in anticipation. I want you to dirty those mouths when we come back from break. And do you have any new corrects, Chelsea? I realize I'm not really good at characters. What?

You've had such great ones. That's ridiculous. Fine, I'll do a couple. Yeah! Will you do them after the break? Sure. Okay, let's take a break. When we come back, we'll have new corrects. Farts in Pro 3. It's happening, folks. We'll be right back. Come on.

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You have two photos? It's pathetic. I haven't really gotten into the habit of doing this. And one of them is of a light? Yeah. I was trying it out. I was like, huh, how does this work? Ha ha!

It's a light in a tree. Major fail. What's your name, Scott, on here? I'm Scott Aukerman. You know, I keep it high and tight. Please release this audio. And we are back. We are back with Farts and Procreation 3. That's a little glimpse into our grams. Our golden grams.

That was Adam explaining his thought process behind his first Instagram picture. Which was now like six months ago. What's going to be your third? What do you think? You know what it's going to be, Scott? Uh-oh! Done and done. Oh, number three going up on me. I already screen grabbed when you only had two photos and I just put it on Instagram and said major fail.

Chelsea is the one person in my life where if I have an email exchange with her, more often than not, I'll get an email back like an hour later. Do you mind if I screen cap this and tweet this out? Well, at least you do that. I know people who don't. No, I know. Wouldn't that be horrible? People who do my private texts and sick.

to them. Cool who? Not Kuloff? If it's not Kuloff, then I gotta say I don't feel much sympathy. I want them to remain private as one can imagine. No, I feel you. I ain't trying to play right. I get you, dog. Yeah. I get you. Hey, I'm too blessed to be stressed. Too blessed to stressed. To stressed?

All right, welcome back. This is Comedy Bang Bang for another week. F&P 3 and, oh, that sounds cool. F&P 3. F&P. You know what that means? F&P. What does it mean? Like, I F'd some major P last night. Oh, man. I was crushing P last night. Does that mean crushing penis? I've been F&P since I was 13. I was crushing V last night. Crushing velvet.

And bad. Liberace. I was crushing Chi last night, Chi McBride. Wait, you were crushing him? Yeah. Seems like he would be crushing you if he were on top of you. Did you just throw your keys into the garbage? Yep. That's crazy. You're staying here? Guess what, guys? I'm walking home. How are you going to get inside once you get there? I'm going to fart my way in.

Wait, you're going to turn your zombie butt towards the door? Yep. Is that what zombies, zombie butts are, zombie farts, what are they like? What you do is you get the butt of a zombie, you cut it off so you just have a zombie butt. Okay, sure. And you can just... Looks like a penguin. Yep, and you just fart your way into any building you want. Wow, this is an amazing technique. I can't believe you've never heard of this. I guess I, what's it called? It's called...

Wait, Harris, you know what it's called. It's called dead guy key fart. Dead guy key fart? Yep.

Okay. Who died and made you a zombie expert? That's funny. Thank you. That's good stuff. That's super good. All right, guys. We got to get to the new cracks. Chelsea, I would imagine you want to go first. On what? On the new cracks. Oh, my newest one is a wolf, but it steps on a bramble. Okay. Anything you need to set up for this other than that? No. Well, I should say it is a dark night.

Okay. And it's an icy mountaintop where this wolf is hanging out, but there is a bramble there. What country would you say? Full moon. Is this in the United States of America? Some more icy, some icy terrain. Greenland. Greenland.

Sure. Not Iceland. Well, I don't know. I don't know if there's wolf habitat there, so I don't want to mess up and say the wrong thing. Yeah, you don't know whether wolves are indigenous there. Right, right. But that wolf's breath, when it's just walking like paw upon paw upon paw, like little paw imprints in the white, icy white snow. It's a new snow then? Yeah, like some of it, and then under it is a little bit of packed. Like fresh powder? Yeah, man. Don't get a boner, Harris. It's not time to go fucking out on the, hit the fucking... All right.

What I love about California is, man, you can surf in the morning and ski at night, man. Listen, but you have to do tons of driving. It takes eight hours to get there. You can drive, man. I'll surf up there. Guys, you go to Mountain High, hour 45. Boom. Take a couple rails down the mountain. Absolutely. Do a couple rails. Do a couple rails. Get in the car.

Three hours later, sorry, two hour, 15 minutes later, you are body surfing in Santa Monica. Boogie boarding is what I like to call it. Boogie boarding. Yeah. Absolutely. And that's the best part of California. Absolutely. Nice. Thank you. Awesome show. Absolutely. Great job. Okay, so Fresh Powder, did you answer that? So yes, that horse is walking through the snow. It's a horse? Just kidding. Making sure you're listening. Yeah, okay, I got you. Reading comprehension test. Yeah, it's a wolf. It's a wolf. No,

I'm reading this. That was also part of the test. Chelsea, are you really hungry? Yeah. What do you got? Some sort of weird freakish thing.

It's an old sock. It's an old athletic sock. Adam offered her his old sock. There's countries in which you would be killed for that kind of an insult. Yeah, you know what country? What? United States of America. You ready to die, dog? You gonna kill it?

There's also countries where they'd be grateful to have that. Thank you, Harris. So the flip side of the coin. Think about that, Chelsea. You're blessed, you know, to live here. Hey, you know what? You guys changed the way I see this. Absolutely. Put some sriracha on that bad boy. Go up to Big Bear. Get some fresh powder. Crush some pee. Crush some pee. Sick ass turns. Pee is powder in this case? Yep. So.

So tell us more about this wolf. So this wolf is, I mean, middle-aged. Okay. For a wolf, what is that? Yeah, divorced. This sounds like a depressed wolf. Does he live in a new condo that he needs to buy furniture? He wants to see his kids so bad, but his bitch-ass ex-wolf wife is like, no, not until you get your little shit together. Listen.

Literally. Get your shits together. I want to smell them. He's just like, you're not marking our trail and territory right with your scat piles. So anyway, that's a whole side story with those two. Also, does he like, whenever she says scat piles, does he start going like, And she's like, no, you dummy.

Anyway, they have a very contentious... Yeah, it sounds like it. But sensual relationship. Sensual. So when they love make, it actually is really good for both of them? It's so tender, and that's what's the crazy thing about these two rascals. They get tender, and then just vicious. Right at each other's throats, literally, I would imagine, because a wolf has powerful jaws. They fight...

It's crazy. They get really... They both have huge teeth. Yeah, I can imagine. They have vicious paws. Yeah, they're both wolves. Do you think that wolves that are jazz musicians have to, when they're talking about scat, they have to differentiate, like, say, butthole scat? Yeah, and then beautiful singing scat. Or jazz scat. Like, I would say that scat...

Just means like the vocal riffing. They call that. But then you have to say butthole scat. Oh, okay. So you think that scat just is a straight line. You don't have to say jazz scat? No, like scat is scat. But then when they're. I think that would lead to more confusion. I think a wolf would be like, which scat are you talking about? Like you have to say jazz scat. But if you say jazz scat. Or scat auger man.

That's the other scat that you have to differentiate. If you say jazz scat, it sounds like jazz cat. That's true. Like he's a real jazz cat. Yeah, like that one that danced with Paula Abdul. Oh, MC Skippadoo or whatever. Scat cat. Yeah, that literally is. It should be MC Jazz Scat Cat. I didn't even think about that. You're right. I mean, I don't remember the video all that well, but was he shitting everywhere? Yes.

Probably. Oh, I remember it. Through his little jeans that rolled out. Really? But she loved him. That wasn't his shadow? You think it was poop? I remember him wearing jeans and shit rolling out.

So, all right. So we've heard this character, right? So, no. Oh, okay. My God. It hasn't happened yet. I mean, remember the whole Bramble aspect? Oh, that's true. He steps on a Bramble. And it is a male wolf. Yes, this one. He's been fighting with his woman. He climbs up to the top of an icy mountain. Uh-huh. And basically what happens, he reaches the pinnacle of that mountain. He's lonely as all get out. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

And he really wants, what he wants is to get somehow the feelings that are inside his body just pulsing through his system. Wait, can you start over? He's on top of a mountain. It's ice cold. I'm just going to quickly catch you up. Okay. Ice cold. He's lonely. He's been fighting with his woman. He wants to get the feelings out from inside of his heart out into the world. What does he do? Some of you may have a guess.

What would a wolf do that maybe humans couldn't do? Jump. That's one guess, but that's not what he did. Eat. No.

Did anyone say jump? You said that only seconds ago. He doesn't jump. Oh, paint. No, he doesn't. Wolves cannot paint. Actually, humans can paint. Humans can. Have you gone your whole life thinking human beings can't paint things? I haven't even tried it. I thought, I'm no wolf. Wait, so anytime you've moved into a new place and paint is there, you think a wolf has been inside your... Yeah. What?

Like, you said they painted your house. Instead of carpet, I put brambles out, actually. Oh, okay. Keep them out of there. He said, thanks for painting the walls. I won't be needing your services anymore. You don't want your walls painted. No, I do, initially, but I don't want the wolves to come back and keep painting. So do you wear, like, Timberlands around your house? And Magoos. Good stuff. And I'll say that Van Gogh is my favorite wolf.

No, you don't get it. He isn't a wolf. That was a man. That was a human man. But he painted. It was paintings. No. How do you think he cut his ear off?

With his teeth. I'm sorry. Go ahead. No, you're fucking... You gotta think it out a little harder. Wikipedia Van Gogh and look at the picture. Yeah, I can't Wikipedia. I'm not a wolf. Oh, man. What do you do as a human being? What are you able to do? Jump. Oh, yeah. That's the one thing humans can do that wolves can't do. That's why there was that hit wolf movie called...

Wolves are white. White wolves can't jump. Well, was there a wolf in the Van Halen jump video? Good point. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Right. And there never will be as far as I know. They're still shooting that video, right? Yeah, they've been shooting it now for like 25 years. God. 30 almost. You'd think by now someone, Eddie Van Halen, would be like, that's a wrap.

Yeah. That's all it would take, too. Just those three words from Eddie Van Halen, but he refuses to say them. They've been through like four lead singers and they're still making that video. Yeah, it's crazy. I can't wait to see it, though. It's going to be really good. No wolves, though. No, not one. Yep. Sorry, Chelsea. No. This wolf is on top of this mountain. Okay. At the precipice. The tippy top. The apex.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Not the nadir. The zenith. Nadir. Okay. Anyhow.

So he's up there, and he's fucking freaking out. He's gone through a half a pack of cigarettes. Because he just stepped on the bramble? No, he hasn't yet. He hasn't yet, okay. That's when the character comes in, when I actually step in and inhabit this character. Okay, great. This is all pre-bramble. So he's feeling sad. That's hilarious. This is PB. Instead of preamble, it's pre-bramble. That's amazing. Yeah, I like it. That's good, that's good. All right, go ahead. So he's up there. The wind is whipping through his whiskers.

The snow is crunching under his paws. His three paws. One of them's up in the air as he like just holds it out there like, what is life? Yes. So anyway, then he's like, ow, because he stepped on a bramble. I thought it would be better with more buildup.

Let's let it. No, I thought. Let's give it what it's due. Let's really let it sink in. You didn't think that was enough buildup? That was like 15 minutes of horseshit. I don't know. Let me really think about this. Do you know what happened? What? He was getting ready to howl about all the pain he was going through and then stepped on a bramble and literally did injure his paw. Oh.

See, that's what I thought was happening. Okay, so you got it. Yeah, the best corrects are ones you have to explain. Yes. Yeah. That's the name of your new book. Yeah, of course, yeah. Where you explain every character you've ever done. I'm putting it out one sentence at a time on Twitter. It's really good. But that's the first sentence. The best characters are the ones you have to explain. I haven't gotten further than that. Right. Yeah. Oh, well. Oh, well. Everyone remember to unfollow.

Remember that if you can. I'm not saying you're able to, but if your memories are that good. Try to remember to unfollow all of us.

By the way, we've all been Instagramming during this entire program. Chelsea, is that all the only correct you have? Yeah. Okay, great. Let's move on to you guys. Or should we take another break? Let's take one more break. I think we have to. Yeah, let's reset. Let's reset. I just liked my own photo on Instagram. Has anyone ever done that before?

I just licked my own butthole on Instagram. Your zombie butthole? Mm-hmm. Hope you don't fart. Blow your tongue right off. Blow your pants right open. Do not let the zombie butt fart into your mouth. Sorry. You need to delete that photo, Adam Scott. Okay, Adam's going to delete a photo. We're on a break, right? No. Are we on a break? No, we're not Ross and Rachel-ing it. We're still going.

All right. We will be right back with more F&B 3. You care about your family, don't you? I mean, you would have to be some sort of a monster not to. Well, look, you plan for their future. You do financial planning. You get insurance. But to get real peace of mind, you have to make sure your family is legally protected. So where do you turn?

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back with the Farts Crew. How do you guys like being known as the Farts Crew? We're not. We're not. Do you find that the title is unfortunate? I just always pretend it's the Fart Screw. Wait, you like to fart when you're screwing girls? Ew. The Fart Screw. Has that ever happened to you, Harris? What, you've never fart screwed a girl, babe? What is that like? You plunge in and then...

Yeah, you plunge in and then bounce off. I like going to the Home Depot and say, do you have something called the Farts Crew? What do you mean? Well... Why would you go to Home Depot? Why wouldn't you go to a local lumber store, you know?

Oh yeah, that local lumber store that we all go to. The mom and pop one, you know? Orchard supply hardware. I think they went out of business, am I right? Osh did? Osh did go out of business. Yeah, they did. It was really weird. I didn't like it. I stocked up on firewood when it went out. What? I stocked up on firewood when it went out of business. Making a lot of fires? Yeah, in the fireplace. Oh, in the fireplace? Yeah, it was a cold winter.

Winter is coming. All right, guys. What's up, Tony Stark? There you go. He got it. Tony Stark from Iron Man. I know. The Starks are in Game of Thrones.

What is that? Chelsea's showing some... Oh my god. What is that? It's funny. Adam put it up. I didn't... Alright, so we've heard a lot about it, and now we're going to hear it. You guys have new corrects. Okay. Harrison Adbro. Yep. Alright, so yeah. Our troop, the Ketchup's and Marstard's. The Ketchup's and Mustard's. Marstard's? Marstard's. The James Marston's. James Marston's. And the...

Ketchups. Good twist. Hank Ketchum, the author of Dennis the Menace. What's your favorite Dennis the Menace before we continue? What's your favorite one? It's hard to... Because there are different eras. Yeah. He was really a menace at one point. And it was like, you got to pull it back, Hank. Yeah. He's like murdering people. Yeah, it was...

For a good seven years back in the 70s, he was just straight up murdering people. Yeah, he was walking around with one of those... Straight razor? You're holding your thumb up like Fonzie. Like it's an X-Acto knife or something. Yeah. Box cutter? No, one of those things that... Will you guys give me a chance just to talk? Okay, sure, sure. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This thing's a blackjack that you hit people with. Oh, an old school blackjack. Yeah, it wasn't one of those.

Oh, it was a box cutter? It was an exacto knife. We're getting warmer. Oh, okay. P.S. We are getting warmer. Literally, we're starting to crank up towards the normal temp in this room. Who's the dude with the dick? Do you guys remember?

The one dude who had died? That guy that died that had a dick. The dead dude with a dick. I feel like we're kind of, this episode, weirdly, we've ended up shitting on dead people a lot. Sounds like my Friday night. That is what she said. She literally said it. Don't kill the messenger, but she said it. So were you a messenger in that situation? I'm telling you, she said it.

That's what she said. All right, I won't kill you. Thank you. I don't want to. I will. I will. I haven't decided. Please get back to me on whether you're going to kill me or not. What would you do if I did try to kill you? Like, you were at your house. You heard a noise. You realized I was in your house. And I was looking at you and I'm like, it's not a joke, man. If this happened, I'd just put myself into that situation.

And I feel like I made the connection, like, very immediately of, oh, she's obsessed with me. Like, that's crazy. Yeah. Because I put myself in that situation. I went, oh, Chelsea's obsessed with me. Oh, no shit. I got to get out of the house. But, like, wouldn't you just be like, Chels, like, are you all right? And then you look at me and I'm like dead ass serious. Like, I'm clearly not all right. And I'm holding a knife and a gun.

Oh, both? Yeah. I think at first I would think that Kulop had let you in and she was like in the bathroom. But you see her dead on the floor. Oh. Jesus Christ. From the knife or the gun? Both. Wait, why stab then or what order? Are you stabbing then shooting or? Are you asking what I would do if that happened?

I've never seen anyone think anything is so funny as this. Why is this so funny to you?

Because it's going to happen. Wait, did it happen already? Have you killed Gulab? This is her break. This is her mental break. Oh my gosh. This is the decision happening right now. I just think it's really funny to ask someone, what if you violently killed their wife and then we're going to kill them? That just seems funny. Oh, that's what you were laughing at. Oh, I get it now. That thing we heard you say? Oh, right. All right.

You're right. That is funny. Please don't do it. May I request that? Do you ever think, Chelsea, that you might snap?

No. I don't think I will because I go to therapy. And that's the only reason why you won't. That's the only thing keeping you... From killing us. Yeah. No, I don't know. I don't think I will. Do you think I would? Do you think you're teetering on the brink of insanity? No, do you guys? Feels like these questions are kind of leading. Okay.

We care about you. How often do you guys actually think about someone breaking into your house and killing you? I'd say once a year. Every time I... Once a year? Every time a J. Okay.

Every time you what? You J-O? Yeah. Every time you jack off, you think about someone breaking in. That's what turns you on. Is that what's causing you to J-O? Well, that's what's keeping me doing it. And then right when the imaginary knife goes in your throat, that's when you cum? That's when I finish. You think once a year is too few? I think about it constantly. You must be in a nice place that people really want to break into.

No. I thought about it when I was... Well, let us be the judge. Square footage? And how much did you pay for it? Redfin? When I lived in like a little tiny... I always think about that. A little tiny mansion? You got a little tiny mansion, of course. A little tiny mansion over in Bel Air. You think about this constantly, Adam? Really? No, but... Every night, would you say? No. Do you have a weapon in your bedroom?

I have... I've seen you on that anti-gun PSA. Right. Do you have a gun in your bedroom? No, but I have a gun that I made out of plastic and cardboard. But it works just like a regular gun. In what manner? If you throw it at someone, it could hurt them. That's not the only way to use a gun. Well, that's how guns work, right? By the way, this anti-gun PSA that you recorded where you talk about people have to stop throwing guns at people? Yeah. It really was ineffective. They cut all of my...

They cut out the part where I talked about throwing guns. It wasn't effective. I had 10 guns thrown at me, even just walking in here. In Adam's defense, he said you shouldn't throw assault rifles at people. Oh, okay. Well, not regular guns. Okay. Where do you live? What's your address? It's...

Whoever lives there. You said it with the tone that it was. I knew it. We'll see. We'll see. We'll see how good you are. Yeah, we'll see how this goes. So, guys, you have new cracks. Yeah. Okay, so we have that sketch troop, and we just did a pretty good run on Breadway.

Off-Breadway. Where? Off-Breadway. It's in New York. What? You know how Houston Street is pronounced Houston Street? Yeah. No, but this isn't Broadway. It's Breadway. It's a different street. This is in the Bread District?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, so you know. Okay, yeah. So we had a run of shows there. It's right next to the meatpacking district, and when you put both of them together, it's the sandwich district. You take a stroll that day, you get a sandwich. Stop at Breadway, bread, meat district, meat. Stop at the ketchup district. The ketchup and mustard for a little entertainment. Yeah, exactly. You got a sandwich. Yeah. And then— And a great show. Yeah.

And a dry sandwich. Mayonnaise drive is... Is that cross-bred way? Yeah, that's perpendicular. Have you gotten a lot of business in to see your shows from people thinking they're going to be having ketchup and mustard on their sandwiches? Yes. So what we do is we say, if you watch the whole show, we'll give you ketchup and mustard at the end. How many people stay for the entire show? You'd be surprised. Zero percent. At how many? Well, how many do you think? I think none. I think zero percent. You'd be surprised, too. At how...

Oh, 2%? No, two people. Two people. Half state. Okay. Did they love it? Yeah. I mean, who wouldn't love a meat ketchup and mustard sandwich? We were surprised that we would lose half, that half the audience would stay because we thought the whole audience... There were only four people? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, there's only four seats. It's a small theater. Yeah. Okay. It's like off-off-Broadway. Broadway. It was a 99-seat theater, but we thought to up the intimacy level, we'd take out...

you know, 95. Where did you put them? And then take out the other four and then just put in four huge seats. Oh, yeah. No, you can stretch out. That's fun. There's a lot of room to stretch out. They're like as big as like Shaq's bed. That's big. Yeah. Shaq's bed. I mean, these chairs, they're as big as Shaq's bed. Yeah.

Who's that, Shaq? Oh, yeah. What's happening with the Murphy group? You know, Johnny Bananas. What's happening? Gotta wait for the movie. Oh, guys, I have that script. What? It was sent to you? No, I don't have it.

God damn it. Oh, you asshole. I think you do. We're going to talk after. Yeah. I really want to read it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Okay, so. So we have these new characters. New show. Okay, great. So how do you get into them?

The traditional way? Classic. Creek slam situation? Yeah, of course. Look, it's pretty basic. I mean, it's not like we have a whole process we go through. We just like, boom, we can just jump in. It just depends on you and your time and when you want to. I have like two minutes. Okay. Oh, okay. We're really running the gamut here. We can do any version.

I have probably another half an hour to listen to this. Great. Okay, great. It's just like a relaxed sort of thing, you know. You want us to relax? Is that what you're saying? You're required to relax. But we have a very specific thing that we do, so we would appreciate it if you just like... Do you want me to sit back in my chair? Yeah, if you could sit back and just relax and shut the fuck up. All right. All right. I'm way back here. You're not shutting the fuck up, though. Creak, slam, sit.

Starting to fray so far, I love it. You okay? Yeah, that cough is really, uh, it's still bothering me. You gotta get that thing checked out. I know, you keep telling me that, but I'm not gonna go check it out. You know me, I hate doctors. I know, but, you know, you got kids, it's not just about you. Ah, thanks. When's the bus coming? For real. Seems like it's a minute late.

All right. I'll sit another minute just to see if it comes. This bus ain't never going to come. You know that driver, Boris. Oh, hey, what's your name? I'm sorry. Wait, Chelsea's in this too? Caslita. Caslita. Caslita. Yeah. Caslita...

Andrews. Caslita Andrews. Nice to meet you. We're just waiting for the bus. Ditto. Can you caslieve us alone? Fine. Fuck you. Pension's running high at the bus stop. See you on the bus, bitch. That's quite a mouth on that little honey, huh? Why are you being so mean? It's really aggressive. To be fair, you're the person who asked to be casleft alone. Yeah, that hurt my feelings.

Oh, we're talking here. You came over yelling shit at us. I was just winging it on the bus way. My friend is sick. I'm sick too. Are you waiting for the bus too, honey? Yeah. What the fuck else would I be doing out here, you dumb motherfucker? Just kidding. How are you?

That's a good kid. Fine. I'm not sure where your center is. I'm not sure how to react to you. Can we get this homeless woman out of the theater? Is this an interactive show? Is it really? No, it's scripted. This, because Slita is scripted. Yeah. So is this. Yeah, what I'm doing right now. I know that because I'm reading from the script right now. All right. All right. Regroup. Regroup. Re-creak. Re-slam. How's Wendell? Uh.

You always bring up Wendell. Well, you never tell me. Do you think that's going to change today? No, it's not. Chances of that are as good as you seeing a doctor, huh? Just one day. Excuse me. Hey, I may be narrating this, but I can make jokes. Excuse me, what's your name? My name? My name is Ping Pong. Ping Pong? Yes. It's great to meet you, Ping Pong. Ping Pong Jones. Well, Jones.

Dr. Jones. Yes, I'm a doctor. Why do you say it like that, though? How else am I supposed to say it? Well, like, Dr. Jones. That's right. You're a doctor. Yes, and my name is Jones. So shut the fuck up. Hey! Sorry. I just want to be cussed left alone over here. Don't treat me like that. Anyway. How's Wendell? Listen, I'm not going to tell you how Wendell is. Every day we fucking come here.

And I ask how Wendell is, and you don't tell me how he is. And he's my two. Your what? He's my two. Listen, you want to find out how Wendell is, you're going to have to wait for the bus to come. Because as you know, he's the bus driver. Well, don't look like Wendell's coming today. He never comes, does he? You know what I would love? If we...

just while we're waiting did our characters. That'd be great. Let's do it. What? You guys have characters? Quirik, Slorm, Sart. Parallel universe. Hi. Oh, hey. How's it going? Pretty good.

Oh, hi. Hey, Ping Pong Jones. Dr. Ping Pong Jones. Dr. Ping Pong Jones. How are you? I'm great. This guy is so much nicer than the other guy. Yeah, my name is Jason Forges. Forges. Oh, okay. My name is Clark Griswold. You don't say. My name is Sherry O'Terry. Oh, my God.

Wait, so Coslita slipped into character as well? Oh, I don't know. I don't know who this person is, but I'm very happy to meet you. If you don't mind, I'm going to get back to canning this gravy.

Should we put on the rubber gloves to finish the canning process? Absolutely. Why is there a woman that you've never met before in this cannery? I just assumed she was the boss's daughter or something. Yeah, or a health inspector or something like that. Are you either of those things? The boss's daughter or a health inspector? You wish. Wait, are you the famous Sherry O'Terry? Yeah, right.

Miss, if you'd like to participate in... I would. Maybe you should speak into the microphone. Fine. Here you go. How do you like that, you little silly billy? I like it a lot more because I can hear you. I'm a doctor. I'm a nurse. Oh, we got to stop. I think the bus is here. Okay, let's shoot. Nah, that was just a guy on a skateboard. Oh, well. What I love about California is you can skate in the afternoons.

Then you can take an eight-hour drive, depending on where you're skating. Oh, look, the bus is here. The bus is here. Nah. No. Just a guy boogie boarding. Just a guy boogie boarding down the street. So we work at the cannery. Oh, back in the cannery.

Cool. Well, what do you guys do at the cannery? What was your name? Clark? Clark. You actually can the gravy. I can the gravy. And what was your name again? Jason Vorges. Jason Vorges. Yeah. Nice to meet you. Pleased to meet you. I'm pleased to meet you as well. Thank you. What do you do here in the cannery, if I may be so bold as to ask? Well, Clark Griswold and I are in charge of the actual...

Okay. What happens is you have a can, and this is a canned gravy factory. Sure. We're in Dubuque, Nebraska. Okay. A lot of good info. Just to give you a sense of where we are. I mean, I know where we are, obviously, because I traveled here. Yeah, just shut up for a second. And the can stops in the conveyor belt.

Clark fills it with gravy, and then I seal the top of it. But what you're forgetting is that sometimes there's what we call drippage, and you need to take a towel and...

You gotta wipe away the drippage. Whose responsibility is that? Your mom. That actually is your mom's responsibility. My mom? Yeah. And we've been waiting on her for half an hour. We have a lot of dirty cans of gravy. I mean, that is why I'm here at the factory to tell you that she is no longer with us. Oh, boy.

The company. She's no longer with the company. Oh, okay. Well, people still got to get their gravy, so. So what, are you just going to hand out drippy cans of gravy? No. Or are you guys going to come up with a solution? We need someone to take care of the drippage. Might I suggest, because this is a woman's job. Yeah. Sherry O'Terry. There's someone right over here who could maybe towel off this drippage. Hmm.

Do you have any experience toweling off some drippage? Yeah. What the hell does that mean? No. I've never been sexually excited in my life. What? Sherry? I think you're jumping to conclusions, but I appreciate it. Well, I felt he was doing blatant double entendre, and I'm not the type to play games.

Okay. I've never had an orgasm. Oh, no. And in such, I refuse to engage in double entendre because it only makes me feel less than. We have to solve this problem for her, guys. Hey, Clark. Solve this problem. Clark, while we have some time waiting for the drippage. What are you waiting for? My mom's not coming in. Do you want to try out a couple of our characters? Yeah, I would love that.

Alright. Gronk! Slong! Slonk! Uh, Evan? Uh... How's it going? Hi, Vance. How's it going today? I'm fine. How's window? How's window? Oh, the window is clear. Perfect day for looking out. It's very beautiful.

Ah, look at all that wasteland. The world was such a nice place before it ended. Well, let's go scavenge for water and beware of the scavengers. There's a scavenger in the midst. Who goes there? Who is it? It is I. Yes, state your name and purpose. My name is Sherry O'Terry.

I'm the grandmother of the famous Sherry O'Terry. You outlived. In the future, have we traveled to the past? I'm immortal. Well, tell us, Sherry, how's the window? The window is magnificent. It has never been touched. Okay, you can pass. Thank you.

So wait. Bye! Hold on. In this apocalyptic wasteland where you're watching out for scavengers, your one security measure is asking how the window is. And if they respond that the window is fine, you let them into your house? Well, times have changed. This isn't your world as you know it. The world can't have changed that much that you're not fearful of scavengers. Well, windows are...

The life force that the entire world and what we used to know of as Amarika depend upon. Depends. And if Lord Shitqueef gets his hand on one, it'll be the end of us all. Now, hold on one second. I have to ask about the name of your ruler I'm taking it? Yeah, well, the Lord of the Dark Side. We are the good ones. What was his name, though? Lord Shitqueef.

Uh-huh. He's the ruler of the dark side of the force. How did he get his name, or is that his Christian name? It's his Jewish name. Oh, I see. There's no such thing as Christianity. Only Judaism. Oh, I'm so sorry. I knew those assholes would take over one day. Yeah.

Yeah. So you guys are sort of fighting against the evil Jews? Yeah. We're trying to exterminate them. Oh, I see. How many of them are there? You know, give or take six million. Oh, okay. But they're bad. Sure. We're good in this future. Yeah. No, I mean, it's quite ironic. It's almost like a Twilight Zone situation. Yeah. Hey, Georgian. Yes. Now that we have some time, would you like to try out some characters? Sure.

I would love to. How much time do you guys actually have? You guys were like going out to scavenge. Creek Slum Shaw.

How's window? Good, good. This is a masterpiece. Really? Who are you? I... They're obviously window-loving dogs. And who are you in this situation? Oh, I had stepped out of it. I was Chelsea. Oh, okay. You're Chelsea again. Oh, okay. I'm still Pupong Jones. Doctor. Oh, Adam's still in it. Hair's still in it. Oh,

They seem to be... Oh my god. Let's go back. This is like real acting. Lord Shitqueef. Yes. Wait, are you Lord Shitqueef? You just said yes. Yes. Oh my god. So in this scenario, I thought that you were... Who were you? Well, the dogs are living in 20 years past...

The time of the second Holocaust. Oh, okay. That's what you guys call it in the future. Lord Chitkwith actually won. Okay. So the Jews survived. And dogs and humans have cross-pollinated. Yeah. Oh! So it's just a bunch of, like, dog men roaming the earth. Who started that? Who was the first person to actually have sex with a dog? Harris Whittles. Okay. He's still alive then? Yeah.

No, this was like 10,000 years ago. Oh, okay. How many times did he do it? Constantly. Starting in the year 2010. Can I ask you, was this as a result of a wife swap? Yeah. Well, the first dog, yeah, it was Rocky. Holy shit. What are you doing to my dog? So wait, everyone in the future is a half Boston Terrier, half Jewish sitcom writer? Yeah.

We should be so lucky. That would be a great mix. How about hearing yourself reduced down to Jewish sitcom writer? Oh, I thought I was the Boston Terrier. Wait, should we go back to the previous characters? Yeah, who were we? I think we're at the dogs now. We're in the dogs, yeah, okay. Sorry, we can't just go back to Harrison Adam. We have to kind of go back through. No, go back all the way through. Okay, no, take your time. Do it as much as you need to do. Okay.

Let's go back. Who's? Can I have a sip of your milk? Who is this? Hey, rich, come. Wait, the dog just ate the other dog's cum? Sir, who is this?

Wait, now the dogs are farting? Guys, I thought you were getting out of these characters. You just fart-screwed me. Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo. Woo-hoo-hoo.

You know what? Fart screw me twice, shame on me. Oh, wait, wait. Come here. I want you to take a look at something. Just get your face right up to this thing. Okay, better be milk. Guys, why do you keep falling for this? Well, what can I say? My brain is more dog than man. I'll say. Should we go back?

Sure. How do you keep falling for this? All the dog mans in the world, I'm stuck with this asshole. You can say that again. Yeah. Okay. So now you're... Now we're back. Let's go. Wait, we have to... Click. Sling. Sling. Sling. Sling.

Oh, Lord Shitqueef is over there. We better get back. Yes. See it? Slam. Creak. Oh, this gravy's not going to wipe itself. Yeah, we're still waiting for that person. Should we go back? Yeah, looks like a woman's not going to show up to do a woman's job. Oh, well. So what else is new, you know? Well, let's go back to the... Creak, creak, sit. Creak. Slam. Or something. Hmm.

Hey, how's it going? Looks like this bus is never going to get here. I don't think so. Screech! The bus is here. No. Just a surfer.

I'm sorry, a surfer? Hey man, I love my motorized surfboard! See, he told you. Look at him go. I love wasting gas and throwing it in the ocean! Well, we'll never find out how Wendell is or who he was. Never. Let's go back. Slam, Sart, Clark, Griswold. Wait! Now we're Harris. Wait, what was that?

We almost went through the portal. Was that Kazlita? Who's there? Kazlita! The bus is here! The bus is here! The bus is here! Let's get on. Oh, no. It's a coyote. Let's still get on. Okay. Do you want to come with us, young lady? Sure. I'm bored out of my mind.

So you guys are all going to hop onto a coyote and just... Yeah, fuck it. Let's get on this fucking thing. You get in the front, though. I'm scared. Okay. Does it matter where the coyote's going? No. Wherever the coyote's going, we all want to go. Oh, yeah? Yeah!

Woo! Yeah. He's walking. He's walking. Woo! Woo! If you jump on this coyote, you may never get out of Karak, though. That's true. You know? We're already going. I don't ever want to get out of Karak. Me neither. I love Karak. Karak is not whack in this case. Karak is not whack. Seriously.

Yeah, I guess. Maybe we just play it safe and get out of here. No, stay on it. Stay on it. Stay on it. Come on. Stay on it, sir. Stay on it. Stay on the coyote. Let's take the coyote and candelabra back into regular time. Just to prove to everybody that we did this? Yeah. All right, here it is. Come on, guys. Crark. Slam. Sniff. Sniff.

We made it! Oh my God, what is this world? Oh, it's hot in here. Wait, are you still in character? Oh no. I thought we went through the portal. Adam Scott doesn't exist anymore. Oh no! Hey, who are you people? Wait a minute. Are you going to take over Adam Scott's lifestyle? You've just switched places with a really famous Hollywood actor who is a bit of a poonhound from what I understand.

Do you mind switching places with him? Yeah, sure. That sounds good. Yeah? Okay. Sounds like you have a pretty sweet deal. Meanwhile, what was your life like back there? Oh, I hadn't quite figured that one out yet. Well, poor Adam. He's mostly waiting at a bus stop. That's all I really knew. Not seeing doctors. How is Wendell, by the way? Oh.

I'm not going to tell you. Why not? Uh-oh. I'm the guy who told you about Adam Scott. Listen, you're going to have to wait and see for yourself, goddammit. Okay, well, that's an exciting cliffhanger. I'm starving. You guys hungry? Was that a successful correct session, would you say? There's a coyote in here! Hey, man, I'm on Missouri!

Aziz? Do you think anytime anyone says, hey man, it's Aziz? Yeah. Really? Well, that time it was. Does he own that now? No one else can say hey man? Hey man? Yeah, it sucks for you. If you got to someone and you're just like, hey man, and they're like, ooh, nice and sorry impression. What's funny is that he doesn't say that, but his impression says that.

Well, guys, that was amazing. Yeah. I thought one of them might have been Rodney Hogg or something like that, but no, it seemed like 87 brand new corrects. You guys must be so busy in your downtime. Well, I'm exhausted, first of all, from doing all that character work. And coming out of it, right? It must be like breaking a fever or something like that. Did you ever see Flatliners? Uh-uh. Okay.

In Flatliners, they're exhausted when they come back from the dead. Wait, wait, I haven't seen it, so... I'm trying to wrap my head around it. So what do you mean? You haven't seen Flatliners? Neither of us have. We said that. And then you tried to explain it to us, and all of a sudden you said one sentence about as if we knew they came back from the... What did you say? Dad? Dead. Wait, they come back from the dead in that movie? Yeah, Flatliners... Okay, the title of Flatliners...

You know how, like, there's... When people die in the hospital, there's a line on the screen that usually shows their heart rate. I don't know, Adam. I've never been to the hospital when someone's died. I'm not hanging out at hospitals waiting for people to die like a ghoul. Okay, but you've seen...

movies and TV shows. I have. I've never seen a movie or a TV show, Adam. Oh, so you haven't seen Flatliners, but you also haven't seen... Nor any other movie or TV show. Did you see... Okay, let me just throw a couple out there. Sure, yeah, that'd be great. Have you seen the TV show...

All in the Family. All in the Family. Who was it? Remind me of what that one was again. I saw All in the Spamily that was about email internet spam. I have seen that one. You've seen that? That's the only show that I've seen. That was very well written. Well, that counts.

Does it really? Well, it was a really famous television show. Yeah, it was written by a spammer. I've seen that and All in the Family, and I've seen every other TV show, including Flatliners. But do those count, really? Yes. You just said that you had never seen Flatliners. I didn't think it counted. Seeing it? What is this? That's the alarm. We have to stop. I do have to move my car if we're going to continue. Oh, no, we're not going to continue. Fuck.

We'll let you move your car. I'm going to call it. That's it for F&P 3. What do you say? Wait, you guys, what about putting our hands in the middle of the table like we always used to? Did we used to do that? Have we done that ever once? No. But I think it would be a good way to end. Put our hands together. Don't anyone touch me. I'm going to say just two things. Harris, get it in. Get it in. And... Guys. Farts. Farts. Farts and pros. Farts.

Are we going to change the title of this series to The Law of Diminishing Returns? No, that's really messed up. I think this was one of the best ones yet. This was one of the best ones yet. Out of three. One of the best out of three. Here's the problem. If we don't take a year in between them, then, you know, I mean. Do it every day. Every day. No, I think this is a good amount of time. You think so? Yeah. Yeah, I get it.

All right, guys. Maybe even longer. Five years. That's going to be it. I do want to thank Philip Kim. Hey, Philip Kim, thanks for donating $100 to CBB. Really appreciate it, Philip. And you get the coveted award from the Farts and Pro 3 crew. That's right. That's coming at you, Philip.

Or Kim. It may be Kim. It may be Philip comma Kim as if... I'm not really sure. But Kim or Philip, it's coming out to you. And guys, we did it. Let's not wait another 10 months or a year. I'm serious. I'm serious. I'll do this next week. Okay. All right. See you guys. I'm maybe a little busy. See you guys next week. Let's do it in the summer. Let's do another one in the summer. Should I read this? Yeah. I mean...

Read it out loud, yes. Let's promise to do another one where it's just as hot, it's just as late, and we'll do another one in the summer. What do you say? And maybe this one just goes into the garbage. No! What is wrong with you guys? I thought it was pretty good. This is a good one. By the time we got to the land of Lord Shitqueef. Oh, yeah. Running on all cylinders. Okay, guys. Thanks so much. We will see you in the summer.

Thanks. Bye. This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com. The wolf dead.

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