Adam Scott, Harris Wittels, Chelsea Peretti
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This episode of Comedy Bang Bang is brought to you by Audible, the leading provider of audio content on the internet. With Audible, you can enjoy books freely wherever you'd like and doing whatever you'd like. Download a free audiobook and a 30-day free trial by visiting audible.com slash bangbang today. That's audible.com slash B-A-N-G B-A-N-G. A scant 10 months ago, we recorded a classic Comedy Bang Bang episode, Farts and Procreation, with...

members of the Parks and Recreation crew. We had Adam Scott. We had writers Harris Whittles and Chelsea Peretti. Well, guess what? They're all back. We're trying to replicate the entire process of the first time we recorded it. Things are going to get a little crazy. You voted this one last year as the best episode of the year. We'll see if you like this one. All of that and more all on today's...

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Dammit, Spider-Man, if you're gonna Bing something, use Google. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. It really came together this time. It really did. Thank you so much, Steve Hennell, for that catchphrase submission. If you're going...

Damn it, Spider-Man, if you're going to Bing something, use Google based upon the popular movie. The Amazing Spider-Man. The popular movie Bing, right? Starring Bing Crosby. Bing starring Tom Hanks in a big suit. What are you going to do with that false start we had? Is that going to be on the... That goes in the garbage pile. I was thinking, guys, listen, I was thinking maybe it could be a B-side.

Yeah. Is this a record? No, because we have to cut this too. You're referencing something that no one will hear. We have to start over again. Kike. Kike. Jesus Christ.

Okay, guys. Let me talk about what's happening right now. This is an atypical start to the show, but we're having fun. Hollywood nights. Let me explain what's happening here for you. Is night spelled with a K? Of course. I like that. My name is Scott Aukerman. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for listening. This is Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast. Maybe you've been watching the TV show. And by the way, thank you so much for watching the TV show and letting me know how much you like it.

If you've been letting me know how you don't like it, well, what are you doing that for? Stop it, you weirdo. You got to get some figures in. Have people been doing that? Yeah, go talk to someone about something you like. That would be frightfully boring. Frightfully. Who let that English guy in? Oh, I would be aghast.

We're doing characters now? What's Jared Harris doing in here, guys? We're already starting the character portion? No, no, no. That was a freebie. My name is Scott Aukerman. Welcome to the show. And let me tell you what's going on right here. This is a very special show. About a year ago, last August, so approximately 10 months ago,

We all gathered in this room, this very group of people that I'm looking at right now, and we recorded a podcast, the Comedy Bang Bang podcast.

Farts and Procreation. And that was basically based upon... We were in the trenches. It was based upon my... We were doing it. My noticing that a good porn parody of Parks and Recreation would be Farts and Procreation. Disagree. Basically a... I also disagree. Disagreement seconded. A fart fetish... Terrible porn. A fart fetish porno... No one would want to hear that.

Where you know that the person, the woman gets pregnant. There's a tiny camera inside the uterus and you can see a sperm. Well, not a tiny camera. Well, depending on the woman. A regular sized camera. There would also have to be a tiny camera in the butt to see the farts.

You're assuming that they're silent but D's? Is that the proudest you've ever been of a sentence you've uttered? Yeah. It's the proudest I've ever been of you. Thank you. Look at you. So what we did a year ago was I gathered one star from the TV show Parks and Recreation and then two behind the scenes people. We both have been on the show.

You have been on the show, so you're in front of the scenes. I wouldn't call us stars. But I would. I wouldn't either. I would. And I gathered them in this room and we paid tribute. We paid homage to the show.

In the only way that we knew how, which was we recorded a podcast where we barely talked about it and instead did strange characters. And we did it at night, which is atypical for the show because the studio was not open at night. And it was a very hot evening and it got very hot in the studio. Do you think when an Italian guy says typical, it's confusing? Because he says, it's atypical. It's atypical.

And people go, do you mean it's typical or atypical? It's like a Spanish person going, you can't or you can't. You can't do it or you can't do it.

That's what it's like. That's how people talk, right? Maybe he meant a spicy meatball as in not spicy meatball. A spicy is the word. A spicy meatball. It was a regular meatball. Go on, Scott. So what I've decided to do is I've decided to have these very same people back. We've tried to replicate the exact circumstances of the previous episode. It's night. It's hot in the room. We're getting crazy. We're all in bikinis. Mm-hmm.

And even the guys are in bikinis. It doesn't make sense. Especially the guys. Okay. The sexiest thing a guy can wear. Okay. So let me introduce them now. Guys should wear bikinis. Here we go. I mean, you should be able to wear a bikini. Here we go. I miss this from Parks. Chelsea doesn't write there anymore. We'll talk about this. We'll talk about this. Paris always picks up these kind of theories and just spouts them out. You know what?

I'm going to put my fist down. Guys should. Yeah. And I really did never believe this stuff. Put my fist down. Yeah. Is that the expression? No. Yeah. I think it is. Sure. I'm going to put my fist down.

I'm going to put down a step on my fist. You lost complete what the path was. I'm just going to step on my fist. Guys, I'm stepping on my fist here. Guys should wear bikinis. Are you OK? I don't want to show my. I didn't understand any of that. I'm just saying, like, I'm as weird about my nips.

That's it. My nips, like... I'm as weird about my nips... Like an Italian guy. As a girl. Like manipulations? Yeah. They might as well be, am I right? The things you can get people to do... Just by flashing them. Oh, yeah. Girls, flash your nips more. The things you can get a baby to do... By showing it your nipples...

What's that list consist of? Sucking on them? Yeah. You can get a baby to suck on your tit if there is a promise of milk. You could get, if it's a boy. You sound like a pedophile. If it's a boy baby, and this is not. Oh, boy. If it's a boy baby, you could get him to show him your dick. Show him your dick. You could get him to show him your dick. If you show him a nipple. What?

If you show him a nipple, you can get him to show him your dick. You can...

Show the baby your own dick. Listen, I'm not a parent. You are. Take your word for it. And I'm telling you. Stepping on your fist. I'm going to step on my fist. If you show him your nipple, you can get him to show him your dick. Exactly. Show him your dick. He says, I'm going to show me your dick. If you show him a nipple, he'll basically look at anything, including your dick. Exactly.

Why would you want him to look at your dick? Why not, Scott? He's got to learn sometime. That's true. All right, let me introduce you guys because people don't even know who you are at this point. That's the police en route for whittles. What? I don't care. What? I'll fuck a kid. What? I don't care.

By the way, I have you sitting in the exact same spots, too. That's not true. Oh, it is true. Oh, yeah, this is a magic configuration. He's drinking a Diet Coke out of a bottle, and that's what he's drinking. I think last time it may have been a Coke 1 or 0? Zero. Coke 0. I don't know. I think it was a Diet Coke. I'm pretty sure. It was a Diet Coke, man. We'll have to get out the pics. Yeah, I think I remember people remarking upon it. Oh, my God. Of Adam Scott in HeG.

And that was Chelsea. That was my tumblr. Well, Harris, you've said her name. Let me introduce her. To my left, we have Chelsea Chaz Palminteri Peretti. Welcome to the show. That's one man in an audience growling. No, that's just, I'm sick. Oh.

Writer for Parks and Rec? Not anymore. Not anymore, okay. We'll talk about it. Missing much. Just not right now. Nope. Gotta introduce you guys. Sitting across from me, you know them as the Ketchup and Mustards. We have Harris Hairdog Whittles. Hey. Hey.

And Adam, a.k.a. Jerry, bro, hi bros, Scott. Hey! I like that. I really like that. You really came through, man. So, guys, this is... That's Jerry's brother, by the way. What's his name?

Gary. It seems like it's very confusing for their parents. When he walks into a room, he goes, Hey! What does he say when he leaves? Ho! And then Jerry says, Hey, bros! I'd love to hang out with them. I would hate it. I would love to see them come and go. You had me at I'd love to see them come. Me too. And go. You didn't let me finish. And go. If I was like...

A badass chick, that's what I'd say. You are a badass chick, girl. Thank you, girl. Don't you ever undersell yourself. I'd be like, I love to see him come and go. Now get the fuck out. It is fun as a girl to be really aggressive with. Actually, I think it's fun to do. I'll tell this to my journal later.

No, let's talk about it. What's your style with guys? Here's what I was going to say, actually. It wasn't going to be about guys. I think it's funny to be harassing of other women as a guy, kind of. So if a girl's walking by and I can tell she's all dolled up, I'll be like, looking gorgeous. I like to do that because it's the last thing she'd expect from me. Have you done that for real or is this a thing? No, I just do it in my head all the time. Okay.

So you don't get any reaction out of them because they don't do anything. Imaginary pussy. Cool. It's the best kind. What's that, Adam? But you don't actually do it, so you don't get any reaction from them. Well, here's the thing. I feel like I kind of have half done it, but not something that would have been audible to the girls. I do it for my friend's entertainment, my one friend, Brendan Walsh. I understand. Your one friend.

What's going on here? What happened? No, I'm just kidding. I have tons of friends. Full, rich life. Name names. No, I don't name drop. I have a pretty small group of friends, like this guy Denzel. What's his last name? Denzel? Yeah. I don't want to blow him up, blow up his spot or whatever. I think there's only one Denzel. You do? You know a Denzel? No, I don't know him. Right. Is it Denzel Washington?

Yeah. Yeah, that's who it is. Wait, you know him? My closest friends are him, this guy Bradley, and... Wait, Bradley Cooper? No. Whitford? No. No.

It's Denzel and Brad. A lot of people call him Brad. Oh, okay. So Brad Pitt. Right. Guys, how have our lives changed since the last episode came out? Pretty much a lot. Here's something that I wanted to make note of. You know how the Velvet Underground, okay? Yes. They weren't very popular when they came out.

but they influenced so many people to start a band. Has that happened with Farts and Procreation 1? I think so. I mean, I knew, I think we all felt something that night that was magical. But I don't think any of us expected all of this. Right. But it's been really cool. People have been really cool about it. It's been a great ride.

It's cool. I mean, I know that I don't want to speak for Harris and Chels, but I know that when the three of us happen to be together and we're like at the Grove, we're traveling together because we travel together a lot now. You know, whatever. Whenever the three of us are together and all three voices are kind of going at the same time. Hmm.

Sometimes we have to just kind of stop because people start... Yeah. They start laughing. It's like that scene in Inception where everyone just starts turning and staring at us. Right. It's our subconscious getting angry at us. And I'm like...

Sir, I'm just trying to buy some blue jeans, you know? Right. Guys, we've come so far. You guys travel together, you say, because when you go through a situation like this, it sort of brings you closer, doesn't it? Yeah, I mean, it's not unlike, I would imagine, when a few people went through a tour in Nam together or something like that. I don't want to take anything away from those people, but...

No, I mean, we can agree that those people, we honor their service. Yeah, we honor what they did. They did something great over there. For sure. And now it's time for another generation to do kind of whatever they can do with whatever life has thrown to them. Right. Chelsea, how would you say your life has changed? It's interesting. Sometimes it's hard to quantify, but it's just a certain light that you feel. I hear you. I can quantify. Oh, okay.

What were you going to say? No, no. It's the light you feel behind what? You quantified. You already jumped in the quantifier. Yeah, you jumped in, Harris. I want to know how you feel light. It's like a certain, like, have you ever done mushrooms? Are we recording? No. Constantly. You know when you're, like, coming up and your, like, whole face feels like it's about to float off, like your cheekbones feel like they're about to just, like, ah!

I think so. It's like that. Do you not feel that way, Adam, when you take mushrooms? My face floating. Is that what you're supposed to feel? If you haven't, you ain't tripped. Dicks. So it's kind of like that? Wait, so what are you saying? I'm saying I feel happy all the time like I'm flying. You ever have that? I think there's a medical term for it where you just feel like you're flying all the time. You're euphoric. You felt like that for 10 months. Yeah. Hmm.

Congrats. I haven't felt that. I mean, it was a good show, but I haven't felt that way. A lot of times I'll preemptively, like if I'm going, say, to a 7-Eleven or to a Gelson's, that's our local grocery store for those other places. I went to 7-Eleven tonight on the way here. Nice. Congrats, man. Thank you. He held up his Diet Coke and showed it to us all.

I believe him. I believe you too. That's where I got it. No reason to doubt you. What's your workout regimen, Adam? What do you do? Yeah, what do you do to stay the way you are? Well, you know, I... Hot yoga? Basically, yeah. Basically, I like to get just in a room and I like it to get super hot, whether that's with artificial heat or organic heat. Are we exercising right now? Yeah. Yeah.

I had my guy come in here before and kind of get it all ready for us. Some musk in the air. So I like the heat going. And then basically whatever you do is exercise at that point. So what do you do when it gets that hot? Do you just check your email? What if you ate like a pizza? Yeah.

Yeah, that's exercise. If it's hot. If it's hot out. If you're just, if you're hot and eat a pizza, it's exercise. Yeah, if it's hot outside, but it has to be in a small room. Oh, okay. It has to be super hot. What if the room is cold, but the pizza's hot? Is that still exercise? No, the room has to be hot. Okay, cold room. Yeah. Cold pizza. Right. Is that exercise? Not exercise. No, the room has to be hot.

I'm not getting this. I get it. Are you mad at us? Yeah. I'm getting there. I've never seen you this perturbed about anything. Do you have tears in your eyes? I'm... You guys... Oh, pick your battles, man. Wow. Seriously. I've never seen this before. You're freaking out.

Listen. Oh my God. Oh my God. The room has to be hot and then whatever you want to do, it's exercise. Okay. That's fine, man. Do I need to... Harris? What if you do jumping jacks?

Fine. Wait, but what? Here's my question. What if the room is absolutely freezing cold and you do jumping jacks? Is that exercise? It's not exercise. It's even jumping jacks? Or what if you're on the life cycle? If you do jumping jacks in a cold room, you will gain weight. What about the Everest attempts?

Pussies. But back to how our lives have changed. Yeah, back to Harris, what's happening with you? I noticed you bought a Beamer. I did. Tinted windows? I wrecked it, though, on purpose because I could. Yep. And yeah, tint. Got the tint. You got the, I'm sorry, you got the what? A tint. A tint? Like for camping? Yeah.

Oh, that's... Tented windows. You keep it in your new car? Or is that the roof of the car? No, my windows are tinted. Okay. I got the tint on the window, and then I got a tint for camping, and I keep that in the car. Keep that in the car somewhere? How do you tell them apart? Well, I tried to set up the windows once to sleep in.

And really just wasn't a tent. Yeah. It was Windows. And then you went on your computer. And then tried to use Windows. And it turns out it was a tent. My computer was a tent that you sleep in. That's terrible. I'm an idiot. That's an ineffective computer. Yeah, I know. But life's been really cool. Got on some mixtapes.

Guys, what is happening with parks this season? What are my favorite cracks been up to? Chelsea? I'll tell you. What's your guess as to what's happening? Leslie Ann. She's starting to go by Leslie Ann now. Oh, great.

There's another character named Anne on it. So this is strange. I know, but she loves her so much she gets kind of crazy obsessed with her and she actually hyphenates her name to Leslie Anne. And she keeps making jokes like, we're married and stuff. And then Anne starts getting freaked out. Anne runs to the mountains. And Leslie is like... That's not exercise. There's a lot of scenes that's weird that we've written this out, but there's a lot of scenes where...

Leslie is running and panting and it's like kind of like that movie Hannah or Hana like a lot of pursuit scenes and like breath and really cool music sure if it's cold you can see the breath Adam Scott's character dies Ben dies he's out there chasing after Leslie and he crumples into the ice and

And he freezes to death. But it's kind of cool. Like, it looks beautiful the way we've talked about shooting it and stuff. Troy Miller came in, directed that one. Yeah. These are all spoilers, so I should warn you. She's right, 100%. Everything she just said. I actually, Ben dies during a Talking Head interview. Yeah, we thought that would be kind of a... At a Talking Heads show. So you're on the ice doing a Talking Head interview. And you crumple into the ice. Yeah.

How do you crumple into the ice, by the way? What does that mean? Well, I don't want to spoil anything. We used to stunt crumple. A stunt crumpler? A stunt crumpler. It's a stunt crump. Hmm. And what are your last words? I know you don't want to spoil anything, but it might be nice if we could hear your last words. It wouldn't spoil anything to hear the last words that his character spoke before he died. I guess not. I mean, as long as...

we can put this on iTunes. Yeah, we'll put this on iTunes and we'll copyright it so then you won't be able to use the words on the show. Okay, the last words are... I'm fine with it. You don't mind? Yeah. I wrote this line. These were based on the last words that your father...

said to me before I died. You died? Oh my god, this is taking a turn. You're a ghost? Are you Harris' ghost? Yep.

You seem just like Harris. I had to, well, yeah, I'm his ghost. I'm me. It's not that different? Not at all. So anyone could be ghosts. I'm still solid. You can touch me. You feel like solid matter. Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm just a ghost. Ghosts have BO and bad breath.

All right, wise guy. You're going to get haunted for that one. Tell you that. Why does a ghost need a beamer, let alone tainted windows? Let alone a computer. You got to keep it fresh to death in the after after. Your ghost is kind of cool, man. I know.

Wait, let's hear those last words. I do want to hear those. Oh, yeah, that's right. What's going on with that? That's right. And correct me if I'm wrong, Harris, because it's been a few weeks since we shot it. As you're crumpling? As I'm crumpling. Oh, this is simultaneous. Yeah. Not the words and then all of a sudden a crumple. Yeah, we're body mic'd, so I don't have to stay. I can crumple alone. You threw a lav on there. Yeah. Can you do the sound effect as I'm crumpling? Yeah, of course. Okay.

I forgot my keys. Wait a second. What's that? What's that? What's that? Here it comes. Here she comes. I got it. I got it. I know the truth. It's finally here. And Rosebud. Rosebud and then you fart? Yeah.

But why you say that is more clear in that moment. Oh, why do you say Rosebud? Well, you find out in the season finale. Oh, okay. And can we spoil it? Why do you find it out? Because Ben had a cat named Rosebud who liked to ride on sleds on the exact same ice that he crumpled into. But that's justification on the show. In real life, my dad had a cat named Rosebud. And...

That sounds exactly what he said. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. So wait, he said that to you before you died? Yes. Okay.

Okay. No, I got to say, even though I don't work there anymore, a lot of people were fighting Harris on this in the room. Okay. A lot of people were like, we don't want it. We think this is garbage. It doesn't make sense. It's too long. The wind sounds, it shouldn't be you just making them. We should get like some sort of professional to do that. With the farting, I don't. The fart was a little crass.

That's real. Your body actually does that when you die. And that's why farts and procreation, in my opinion... It's life and death, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Farts. You fart when you die. Procreation. Kid. Life. New. Yeah. Your girlfriend right now is pregnant, not to change topics. Yeah, she's 11 months pregnant.

That's crazy. Whoa, she's ready to go. We've got to get it out of there. Yeah, a couple more months and she'll be, yeah. You must be excited slash terrified. That's so scary. It's so scary. New fatherhood, I tell you, I don't envy you, but at the same time, I know where you've been. Yeah, I know. We've all been there. I know where you've been. You mean the girl? Yeah. No, I fucked your wife. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Borat. Your wife. Your wife. Everyone's wife.

Does she live in Los Angeles? No, no, actually. She lives, which is the, which pole? The South Pole. The South Pole? She lives on the South Pole. How did you meet her? Is she a penguin? She has penguin traits. Oh, because she lives among them, so she... Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she waddles? She waddles, speak...

She speaks? She's a beak. Wait, is her last name Zbeak? It is. Guys, I fucked a penguin. Well, it is true that penguins sit on their eggs for 12 months before they hatch. And it is true that they let humans fuck them. Oh, for sure. They don't have to let you. I could overpower a penguin. Are you sure? I did overpower one. She was not into it. She's a bird, she said.

She's a bird, she said. Can you tell us all what a penguin's butt tastes like? Tastes like chicken. Are you still a vegetarian?

Why would that affect it? Well, you've eaten a penguin's butt. Oh, if you eat a penguin's butt and you're... I guess that counts. Wait, are you seriously a vegetarian? I was before I ate a penguin's butt. But when you eat a butt, you don't actually eat it. I did eat this one, though. Ew. Okay. So she's going to have your baby and she doesn't have a butt anymore? Yes.

She must hate you. Well, we're not speaking right now. Are you ever going to meet this baby? Did you ever speak with her? Did you have to talk? Well, yeah, she said she's a bird. She's a bird. And we talked and I ate her butt. Why are you so real about parts of this? Like, it's all magical realism and then it's just straight real. It's all straight real. What?

I am taking a sabbatical to go get the egg.

Okay, how long is your sabbatical? About two months, it sounds? Yeah, you gotta go far as shit. You're gonna just get the egg and take it without waiting for it to hatch, or the penguin never gets the buttless penguin. Yeah, she can't chase after. She doesn't have a butt. I'm gonna go push her over by her head. Harris. What? This is not okay. Wait, you have trouble with this made-up situation? Yes, this is really... Would you go for a penguin? Harris is...

By her head. Is what's getting you? And he made a gesture with his hand in physical space of pushing it over. It seems cute. Is the baby, is that penguin baby going to be half ghost? I never thought about that. Get on it. Start thinking about it right now. We have a month left until it hatches. Did you have sex with that penguin before you died or after? It was actually, that's how I died.

Was fucking this penguin. Oh. And my dad was there. That's how he could say that thing about Rosebud to me. And then fart. But I did die mid-coitus with this penguin. So I don't know if my real sperm or ghost sperm impregnated her. Oh, because it could have been like in your vas deferens. What if it was a mixture of both so that your child is only one quarter ghost? Like ghost dad? Yeah. Like just its clothes are real? Yeah.

What's this now? It's clothing and ghost ad. I don't think I've ever heard any of those words before.

You know in Ghost Daddy you just see his clothes? Oh, I thought you said it's clothes are real. Oh, it's clothes are real. It's clothes are real? Listen, when you say clothes, like clothing, do you pronounce the T-H? No. Of course. You don't. You just say clothes. Clothes. Clothes. Who says clothes? Clothes, my dear boy. You just did. I did make a non-point. I thought you meant when you said a clothes are real, I thought you meant like a real foreign actor that's on the closer. That's what I thought too. Yeah.

It's Closer Reel? My kid's Closer Reel is going to be great. You know how every actor when they move to Hollywood, you know, Adam, you're an actor. For sure. You make a Closer Reel. As soon as you get here, you got to make a Closer Reel. You got to get on the Closer and then make a Reel. Even if you're not on the Closer, at least edit a Reel, like tape a lot of episodes of the Closer and then film yourself on a green screen. White collar also works if you... Sure, a white collar Reel. But you still call it a Closer Reel. Yeah, you call Reels Closer Reels. Okay.

Guys, we have to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more. We're coming back? Yeah. How? Why not? All right. We got more of this. More Farts and Pro 2. We'll be right back with Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang. Comedy Bang. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy.

Hey everybody, Scott Aukerman here. And how many times have you been in this situation? You want to mail something. You got a ton of packages. Maybe it's Christmas. Maybe you're sending stuff out to your loved ones, your relatives. And the thought of going to the post office paralyzes you into not doing anything at all. And then all of your nieces and nephews, they miss Christmas. Your grandmother...

She passes away before she ever gets anything from you. This has happened to me every single day of my life.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we are back. We're here with the gang. Farts and Pro 2. And, you know, I mean, they say sequels don't live up to the original unless you're The Empire Strikes Back or Farts and Pro 2. Or Kill Bill 2. Oh, man, that was a great sequel. Godfather 3. I did think it was. Godfather 3? Rushmore 2. You know what we should have done? We should have done a prequel.

We should have done like the Star Wars prequels. Those were successful. And way better than the original. Yeah, exactly. We should have done one of those. Next time, let's do a prequel. Okay? That's cool. We'll have to write for it for years. Yeah, that'd be next level though. Chelsea, you and I did something. We want to talk about this, right? We want to debut this. Yeah. Okay. Can you describe sort of everything leading up in your life to the moment that we created this?

I feel like I was coming from somewhere, but I don't know where. I should say I have a very bad memory. We were at UCB. Okay.

And you, I believe you did a spot on the weekly UCB show. Yes, on your wonderful show. And then, a bang bang. Bang bang. And then we, what happened? We were hyper. We were happy to see each other. We hadn't seen each other in a while. It was a reunion of sorts. Yeah. We were kind of frolicking around. To describe it, a lot of people went to high school, okay, and then 10 years later, they all get back together and they have a reunion. This was a lot like that. Yeah.

But remove all the stakes. Sure. No high school. It wasn't 10 years. We'd maybe seen each other a couple- And we'd seen each other pretty recently. Yeah. So you guys went to high school together? Yeah. You're not getting exactly what I'm saying about this, but- Where was this reunion? What high school was it? Oh, man. Oh, shit. Oh, boy. Uh-oh. Might have been a mistake. Uh-oh. So we're at the UCB- Uh-oh, boy. Uh-oh.

We're hyped up. We start... We're hyped up on Coke. We start creating. Is that fair to say? Yeah. We use our voices as a palette. It's hard for us to just not create every second of the day. You know what I mean? Well, also, it's like with comedians, it's always that thing where it's like sometimes you're super on and sometimes you're not. It was one of those nights where both of us were on the same night and we were kind of rocking and rolling. We were riffing. And it was one of those things where it was just like...

both of us. It's like when you're doing mushrooms. Have you ever done mushrooms? Adam, have you ever done mushrooms? Are we recording? No. Yes, I have. Okay, and it feels like your cheeks are flying up like... You ever felt that, Adam? Is that what you're supposed to feel when you're on mushrooms? Yeah. Yeah, if you ain't, you ain't tread dicks.

So anyway, spirits were high and we were in the riff zone and I said, you know, we're in the middle of riffing this crazy song. And by the way, we're not. Yeah. Sorry, Adam. I'm sorry. What, what zone were you in? The riff zone. You ever been there, brother? Apparently not.

By the way, we are not musicians. We should qualify this all by saying we're not musicians. I don't know why we started making such amazing music. I don't know. It was just one of those things. We're not qualified. We're not trained. It was like we were in the shower. You know when you're in the shower and it's like your voice sounds really good? You guys were in a shower? Wait, is this a high school reunion that took place in a shower? I don't understand.

No. Like in the locker room? We were in the green room at UCB. There's a shower in there? There's a high school at UCB? Oh, man. Gosh. Who was your teacher? Besser? We were teaching each other how to riff. Yes. We're in the riff zone. And I've never went to music school. Me neither. Yeah, you've never went to music school. We didn't wash each other's hair. What? Did you wash each other's hair?

What? Wait, wait, wait. In the shower. What'd you say? In the shower reunion. No, before that. Did you walk... Oh, all right. So...

What we want to debut is a record. We were prescient enough to make a recording of it, knowing that it would need to stand the test of time. Yeah. You know? I'm trying to think of a classic album where it was like people knew in the studio it was like electric, where they're like, this is going to hit and it's going to hit hard. It's going to go straight to number one. Live. Live.

Throwing copper? Throwing copper. As far as I remember, the Velvet Underground, I don't know if I've ever talked about them with you guys, but the Velvet Underground, they weren't that popular when they were around, but a lot of people who listened to them started bands. It's just something I noticed. That's cool. Yeah, it's pretty cool. So that applies both to Farts and Procreation 1 and this piece of music that you guys created. A lot of people started bands based on our podcast 10 months ago.

And they were called that name? And they're going to start bands after they hear this. No, they're going to start podcasts when they hear this song. They're called Velvet Underground? The bands they're going to start are podcasts called Velvet Underground? They're called Velvet Underground, yeah. And by the way, I want people to feel free to remix this, twist it around, make something new out of it.

Make something cool out of it. You know what I mean? We invite you, and we don't normally do this with civilians and stuff, but we invite you into the Rift Zone with this song. Usually the zone closed off. There's a perimeter. The RZ? Yeah. And you can't cross the P of the RZ. No. Well, I'm excited. I'm jonesing. Wait, you're going to do this? What P on the RZ? The perimeter of the Rift Zone. Yeah. Okay.

I know you're excited, but we want to talk about it a little more before we play it. Oh, no, I was excited to hear you talk about it. Oh, thank God. I'm sorry. Yeah, go ahead.

I was just going to say that this is kind of a cool thing about, I mean, everyone talks about technology and how it's... I think we talked about it last time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit. I hate talking about it, but I just got to say that this is one of the great things about the world we live in now is that you guys can just get into a creative space and

make something and then just like put it out there and invite people to do what they will with it and no one it's all like devoid of ego you know and you just put it out there and everyone's gonna put their scent on it and people that say that there's too much of it well cream rises yeah exactly right to the top and I'd love to hear if this is cream or shit

Don't judge it that hard. Or maybe, you know what, maybe it's creamy shit. The best kind of cream or shit. That makes shit sound good. Creamy shit. Like the waiter's like, and we also have braised beef with a creamy shit. What? Excuse me, what did you just say? We put a dollop of creamy shit on top of the braised beef.

Oh, my stomach is rumbling. It's shit from the cow from which the beef is carved. Wait a minute. The cow takes the shit and then you kill the cow? And then we kill it and scoop up some of its shit, put it in a puree. And it will definitely get you very, very sick. Yeah, and it's disgusting.

It tastes literally like shit. Enough with the hard sell. I want it. I'm in, I'm in, I'm in. Your technique. All right, guys, let's play this. Do we need to talk about the content of the song? I know we talked about the process. We should probably talk about it more. Let's just play it. Let's just play it and let it live. I'm so anxious. It's a lot like a penguin giving birth. I just want a buttless penguin. I just want to get it out there and let it live. Don't pander. Okay.

I really want to hear it. I don't know about everybody else. Engineer Cody, are we turned all the way up? Okay. I'm going in skeptical. Okay, but you're going to let us know if it's cream or shit. I think it's not a good environment to record in, in a shower at a reunion at UCB. Harris, Harris, Harris, just hold up for a second. Yeah, what's up? Listen, me and Harris's mics are off. Yeah, yeah. Anytime that you talk, I turn them down. Have you ever done that? Yes. Cool.

That's not what I wanted to talk about. Yeah, what's up? Mics are off. We don't have to whisper. Yeah, I know. Okay. I know, but they're still across the table from us. That's true. There's some bleed on these mics, so if you guys could keep whispering. Okay. Okay. Chelsea and Scott created something here. And so I feel like you going in and saying you're spectacle about it is kind of like not cool right now. Like we should go in with an open mind and just listen to what they've created and

and then like reserve our choice i'm sorry i think their process is complete so do i this is like they're not even he keeps saying he's not a musician i know and neither is she and they're recording songs and talking about it for a hour i understand but and between you and me bro i think it's gonna be it's gonna be like super yeah i'm expecting it to be garbage not the band garbage which is actually great yeah i know if it was garbage but like the garbage the trash right if it was shirley manson and

and the guy that produced Nirvana albums, if it was their band, Garbage. Steve Albini. Yeah. No, no. Steve Albini wasn't in Garbage. Steve Albini was in Garbage. No, it was... Not the band. Oh, he was actually in Garbage? Yes. Did they record in utero in a pile of garbage? Yes. That's why it sounds so lo-fi, bruh. All right. Scott, can we turn these back on? Let me turn your mics back on, certainly. Yeah, all right. Oh, good.

That's a lot of dead air to broadcast, I have to say. All right, guys, are you ready for this? Because are you guys excited, by the way? Do you think it's going to be good? Yes. Do you think it's going to be garbage, meaning like the band Garbage, which means great? Did you hear what we were talking about just a second ago? No, no, no. That's just how I talk. It's like, do you think it's going to be bad, like good, you know, like Michael Jackson? This is freaky right now.

All right, here we go. Chelsea, Chaz, are you set for this? I haven't heard it since a couple weeks ago, so I'm excited to re-hear it. It's going to be as good as you remember it. All right, here we go, guys. This is world premiere. World premiere. World premiere.

Now, you said you were both on that night? Yes. You're right. Can I honestly say what? No bit. No bit? Okay. That was really good.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, Harris. Thank you so much. What did you like about it? I fucking loved that. Walk us through it. The lyrics, the recording, I didn't think you'd get sound like that in the UCB shower. There's just something about that space that's magical. That was crazy good. Thank you. What did you think?

Adam? Yeah, you got, I mean, listen, Mike's on, Mike's off. I don't even care. It's garbage. I don't give a shit. It is really great. Like right when I thought, oh, this is super catchy. Yeah.

the verse ended and then the chorus started. And I was like, oh my God, now the real hook kind of digs in. And what's interesting about the difference between the verse and the chorus is there's just a guy doing me in the chorus. First you hear the verse and then you hear the chorus and it's just a guy doing beatboxing. Oh, that wasn't just regular drums? That wasn't Neil Peart.

Are you shitting me right now? That wasn't Neil Peart from Rush. No, we thought about calling him, and then I was just like, let's just lay it down, and we can overdub him if we need it. And then we just heard it back, and we were like, there's something about the character to this that we're not going to be able to replicate. That's huge. Can you turn the mic off for one second? Yeah, no problem, guys.

Shit. Yeah, that was really terrible. Garbage. Terrible. But you mean, what do you mean by garbage? They sounded really good, like the band Garbage. Yeah, that's what I thought too. I loved it. Me too. I loved it. And it was good like shit, like creamy shit. And I was saying, I said it was terrible because it reminds me of that band Terrible. Yeah, yeah. They were fucking awesome. Steve Albini. All right, cool, cool.

cool. Can I turn your mics back on? Yeah, yeah. Hey, have you ever heard of that band Terrible that Steve Albini was in? Wait a second. What? That's a real band, Terrible. Yeah, oh, they're so good. And there's really a guy named Steve Albini. Oh,

Guys, thank you so much. That was really good. Thank you so much. And I'm just excited for people to hear it. And it's out there now and we can't take it back. But at the same time, I don't want to take it back. I'm just excited for people to hear it. Chelsea. Scotland. Now that we have gotten that out there, I have to ask you a question. Yeah. By the way, guys, it's out there now.

It's crazy. So get used to it. By the way, Adam, I want to compliment you. Thank you. And just say how great it is to hear the flip side of the argument about technology that we instigated 10 months ago. Because 10 months ago, you were wondering if our lives have changed for the better. We were talking about how we contacted each other through email and didn't even pick up a phone. Right. And you were wondering. A phone?

What did you just say? Did you say a phone or a foam? Well, what if I said a foam? What would happen? Nothing. Chelsea, I have to ask you, since our first time that we got together, you had some wonderful cracks. Oh, yes. Yeah. Last time you were here, we can just run through some of them. Or do you want to talk about which ones you did? Do they have updates? Or can I talk about which ones you did last time? Well, I actually had a new slate. Okay, so last time you did the Curious Latina. Mm-hmm.

Who was engaged in some browning fortune. You did Claire the vegetarian robot who married Persephone. Oh, yeah. You did the woman who thinks everything is interesting except for what Adam says. Right. And you also did the tired lady who has never slept and was born at 6 a.m. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Good characters. Thank you. Good cracks. I'm sorry. Good cracks. Cracks.

It's a pretty full roster right now, I gotta be honest. Sometimes I don't know if I'm in or out of character. If this were the Lakers? I'd be Kobe. Yeah. You'd be Kobe. You'd be the leader. You'd be, you know, pointing at people and going, ah, get over there, get over there. Right. Shoot that ball, don't shoot that ball. All my characters are the equivalent of a buzzer beater. You'd be Steve Blake.

So tell us about these characters. Who are the new ones? Who do you got? Do you want to debut them right now? Sure. We just debuted two true mon freres, and now we have cracks. I can't remember if they were at all interactive last time, but this one is a little... They were very interactive last time, yeah. So this first one is not interactive. Oh. He is a bit of a wild man. Okay. Oh, so changing sex. Yeah. It's a guy. Harris, I'm going to ask you to pay attention to this. Okay.

He's transcribing everything I'm saying. Oh, okay. I didn't know. To the Smithsonian. By the way, if you want a transcription of the show, then just contact Harris. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're actually not releasing this in audio form. It's going to be a book. I'm going to text it to whoever wants one. I have a flight in two hours. Is that true? Roughly. Oh, you have a red eye tonight? No, I'm leaving in the morning. Oh, you have to get to sleep for a flight in two hours. I probably won't be able to. I haven't packed yet. Anyway, listen.

Who cares? This guy, he's a wild man. He's a free spirit. Okay. Okay? All right. He's always thinking on a different plane than his friends. Okay. So, I mean, should I just start? I mean, the floor is yours. All right. So, he's someone who's always going to be saying to his friends stuff like this. Okay. You're trapped, man. You're trapped. You're trapped.

What are you doing, man? You have to use a doorknob? You're trapped. Open the door with your mind, brother. You're trapped. So he's, like, enlightened. Yeah, he's always, like, he's wearing a trench coat a lot of times, doesn't, like...

But he wears like a colorful scarf and stuff. And he just is always seeing new ways around things. Okay. I would say the irony with that character is if he's trying to open doorknobs with his mind, he's the one who's trapped most of the time because he's stuck in a room. Physically. You're thinking on a physical level. He's metaphysical. Different plane. Thank you. She's getting on a different plane now? Yeah. She missed her fucking flight because of this line of questioning. Sorry. Who cares? Yeah.

All right. So that's a great, that's a, that's a, I would say if not a home run, at least in, you know, one of those out of the park doubles. Ground rule, double. They're trapped, man. I don't even think in terms of home runs, man. This ain't baseball, bro. What is it?

We're all organisms, man. It's not a sport at all. You're trapped. Okay. See? I like the encore of that character. You brought it right back. Thought we were done, though. That's like my friend's name. Dunzo.

Dunzo Washington. Have you said that to him before? All the time. He cracks up. He's always a, he's a big LOLer. Yeah. That's sad. Anyhow, next character. So,

So this one is someone who, like, you know how kids, when they first learn how to say no, that's just such a big, exciting thing for these kids. These kids? Yeah. Those three kids that are standing in the corner? Yeah. Like, when they're like, oh, you can say you don't want things, but you're supposed to say it polite or whatever. Okay. So this one is interactive. Okay. So. What do you need from us? You. To respond genuinely? Yeah.

I'll write a sentence down and you have to say it. Okay. Here we go. All right. Here we go. Ready? Do you want me to come on your tits? No, thank you. Not to be a bummer, but, you know, strippers and porn stars that talk in that high-pitched voice, they do it because that's the age they were molested. Wait, is that? Hold on. You're right. Does that qualify? Does that qualify?

Does that qualify as foam? No, that's a fact. Oh, I think it deserves. I think it deserves the theme. I think it deserves the theme. That's really sad. Sad truth. Yeah. I'll take it though.

Chaz, do you have another one? No, that's it. That was it? Oh, very nice. That's it. Well done. Well done. Thank you. Let me take one more break. Well done. When we come back, we're going to look at the return of Jackson Jr. and Brian Peaces.

Comedy bang bang right after this. Hey guys, Scott Aukerman here and I want to tell you about LegalZoom.com. Okay, smart business owners know that in order to succeed, you gotta cut out the startup costs. That's what's dragging most businesses down. The startup costs. Get rid of them.

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We have something really special right now. Harris and Adam, you guys used to work at the Third City Theater Thursday through Sunday morning shows at 8 a.m. Yeah, in Chi Chi. Yes. Chicago. Chi Chi, Chicago. And in a show, was it called Creek Slam Sit? The Jackson Jr. and Brian Pease's story? Or, I can't remember the title. I don't fucking know. Wait, why wouldn't you know about this? Listen, man.

Every show had a different title. Oh, okay. I don't know why I got belligerent about it. That's interesting because not every show is going to be the same. I mean, you may as well just watch a movie if it's going to be the same. Every play should be titled something different because each performance is different. And that's exactly what we thought. I understand. That's what makes it so special to see something in a live theater because it's something living and breathing right there in the room with you. I can't.

I'm getting you worked up, but I don't need to do that because we don't have a lot more time. But I do want to check back in with these characters. Are you willing to dive back into them? Is that comfortable for you? I didn't know we were going to do this. Yeah, I actually got to say, Scott, we kind of retired them after we got the EGOT. Oh, yeah, the Emmy, the Grammy, the Oscar, the Tony. Yeah. Uh-huh. Or the Timmy.

Wait, what is the Timmy now? Oh, it's Tim Allen's. He hosts like his own little award show at his mansion. Oh, okay. And it wasn't an Emmy. It was an Edie. Yeah. Oh, okay. Edie Gourmet? No, Falco, right? Oh, the Falcos. Yeah, yeah. It was actually not an... It was an Oscar de la Huerta. But you didn't win the Falco.

No, we actually lost the Falco to, coincidentally, Amadeus. Yeah. Boy, that's too bad. Every year that guy fucking takes it down. I tell you, it's like it's rigged. Oh, boy. Well, anyway, guys. The Grammy was real. Yeah, of course. It was a real graham cracker.

From your grandmother. Yeah, given to us by our Grammys. Do you know how good a graham cracker sounds to me right now? How good? I would fucking die to eat that. You couldn't eat it. You'd be dead. A lot like you, Harris. That's true. You are not allowed to eat... I can't eat graham crackers. That's the one rule. That's the one thing that changes when you die. Too bad. You can eat all other foods, though, right? Yeah, anything. Hmm.

You can even eat graham crackers from Trader Joe's because they're not technically called graham crackers. You could even eat like... What do they call them there? I think they're called like Trader Grammys or something. Could you eat a penguin's butt? Yeah, I did. You can. So you ate the butt after you died because you had... Oh, yeah. I died during sex and then I was a ghost when I ate the chicken butt. Were you so... You keep calling it a chicken. That penguin must hate you. You know...

Were you so enraged to become a ghost? That's like the kind of thing as a girl. No, I used to... I would call out her chicken's name a lot. I fucked a lot of chickens before I fucked this penguin. That penguin was like so a next level up, tier up. So guys, I know that you don't... You retired these characters, but... We have... I'm going to have to insist that you guys do them one last time. Well, look...

Because, I mean, we all remember these characters. If you haven't heard the first episode that these guys did these characters on, they're two people. It's Jack Sejunior and Brian Pieces. They both work at Carl's Lumber, which is Jack's dad's store. Yeah. Carl. And Carl.

Carl's Hamburgers, too. Well, we'll get to that, but they're the only two employees. Okay, Jack did payroll and HR. Yeah, the lion's share of the hiring and the firing. And Brian handles the wood and the pinewood derby cars for the Cub Scouts, which they make 12 a year. Yeah, one per month, and they keep 4,000 of them in one container. No one works at Carl's Jr.'s Hamburgers. Right.

Carl's Jr. Hamburger store. Which is their sister store, which a stack of lumber, an X tree, fell on Carl, Jack's father, and killed him during an argument regarding whether or not they should sell hamburgers at their sister store, Carl's Jr.'s Hamburgers. Um...

Jack, you have three girls, age 30, age 2, and age 35. Yes. And Brian, your wife, Patrice's, is Jack's sister. Yes. And that's how you got the job. Meanwhile, Jack, your wife, Marjorie, is Brian's sister, and you guys had never met. Right. And Brian's father's name was Reese's. Yeah. You guys have known each other for four years.

years. Yes. And six days earlier, ten months ago, Brian had slept with his sister Marjorie and Jack slept with his sister Patrice's, after which you each called the police on the other one. Yes. The wives ran, had their money stash buried, and now you're suing each other. Does that properly encapsulate everything that happened? That's it. Ten months ago, yeah. Ten months ago. And we want to check back in with these guys? Okay. If you need to. Okay. Here we go. So, do we need a creek slam sit or... Yeah.

green slam set hey hey guys hey how's it going hey jack and brian actually got a

I hate to chat and run. Or not even chat. Yeah, I don't think this qualifies as a chat necessarily. I mean, we've just said hellos. We have to go. You have to go somewhere? Well, at the hamburger store, we have to get up really early to start sorting all of the wood. Or the trees. We get up at 11 p.m. You guys now work at the hamburger store? We have to wake up in zero minutes. Okay.

So we have to go to sleep first. Yeah. Just so we can technically wake up for work. I understand. So you work at the hamburger store? A lot's changed in 10 months. You work at the hamburger store now. Well, we call it the hamburger store, but we still... So it's not Carl's Jr.'s Hamburgers. We just... You just call... No, no, it's still the lumber store. You call the other one... And it's not even called that officially. We call it the hamburger store. Right. Okay. Okay.

That must get confusing being as the name of the other sister store. And it's not the hamburger store as in you can buy hamburgers there. It's a hamburger store. It's where we store all of our hamburgers that we're going to use when we finally open. Yeah, it's like a hamburger storage. Got it, got it. So, okay, so it's a lot like you have cut off, you're abbreviating that word storage. Yes. That's cool. Yes. I like that. Thanks. Okay.

Cool. All right. Well, so you guys have to go? Yeah. Also, Marjorie and Patrice did a murder-suicide yesterday. We really have to go. You're really burying the lead here. I'll see you later. I'll see ya. Oh, okay. I mean, stand up. Slam. Bye, guys. Chelsea, how have you been? Okay, great.

Hey, Brian. Yeah? So Jack had to leave, but you're staying? Yeah, Jack had to take off. I have to take off pretty soon, too, but I just wanted to make sure you guys were doing all right. We're doing great. I mean, I feel bad. Are you grieving right now? I mean, the last time... About what? Well, I mean, Marjorie and Patrice's both committed suicide yesterday? Yeah. Creek, slam, sit. Hey. Hey. Who's this? Brian. What's going on? I got the car running.

For a minute? Yeah. That's a long time to have a car running. We have to go to work. Sorry, Jack. I was just making sure everyone was okay in here. Okay, but we work eight hours away. Yeah, and we have to wake up in zero minutes. I know that the... Yeah. I'm glad, though, that we have Patrice's ghost driving us to work so we can get just a little bit of sleep before we have to be at work.

So wait, hold on a second. Your wife's ghost drives you guys to work now? My sister. Yeah. With whom you've had sex? I guess so. Wait, you seem constantly surprised by that fact. You were surprised by it 10 months ago. I think it's one of those things where you get so in shock about something that you kind of just block it out. Yeah. That is my sister. She's your sister and his wife. Yeah. Now a ghost. Our chauffeur ghost. Yeah. Yeah.

Ghost fur. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Ghost fur. It's a lot like that movie. Yeah. Ghost Dad. Yeah, where... You can see his... Closer reel. Closer reel. And then my former wife... Marjorie? Yeah, Marjorie. The penguin? No, no, no, no. That's... Those are other people. I don't know what you're talking about. No, she's a...

She's a person. Well, she was a person. She was your sister with whom you've had sex as well. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. You think that maybe you both having incestual relationships with each other's wives is what drove them to this suicide pact? Yeah. A follow-up question, does she have a job on your team? Much like how Patrice's is your ghost fur.

Well, we haven't found a place. She's still just a body, a dead body, and she's in the front seat of the car out front. She's slow to become a ghost? No, I don't know the rules of how that. I don't either. The other one, she's in charge now of flipping the burgers and the lumber. But I thought that, okay, the burgers you're storing. The burgers in the storage, it's important to flip the frozen patties.

Yeah. Otherwise, the frost. Otherwise, the frost gets too frosty.

The funny thing, if I may, something really funny that happened having to do with the murder-suicide is that Patrice's murdered Marjorie and then said she was going to kill herself. And I'm telling Jack this because he doesn't know. Oh, okay. And she said, I'm going to kill myself now. And she didn't. She just...

didn't kill herself so she's still alive so it's actually not her ghost that's been chauffeuring us around it's actually Patrice's is still alive she's still alive and Marjorie is what? that explains why Marjorie hasn't gotten a spot on the team yeah she's passed on and this is horrible I mean it's great it's great for you it's kind of funny and me it's my sister yeah and we both like her very very much yes

So, okay. Well, this is a lot of process. So she's still alive. Congratulations, at least, for you, Brian. Your wife is still alive. I'm sorry for you, Jack. Well, it's kind of a win-lose. Yeah? I mean, you definitely... Which is which? Well, I don't like that my sister...

Is still alive. But I do like that my wife is dead. Okay. A classic win-lose. So I have to go. Okay. You know what? I should probably get out of here. Really? Yeah. Like right away. We literally have to drive to Ontario. Oh.

That's where the hamburger store is. Yeah, but then the lumber store is in Venezuela. Couldn't you sleep the eight hours in the car? Like, why do you have to wake up right away to drive to work? I mean, if Patrice's is driving...

Well, I'm not going to trust a ghost. She's not a ghost anymore, idiot. Of course. We do a lot of work in the car while we're sleeping. What kind of work? Because as far as I know, Jack here is doing HR, a lot of hiring and firing, of which there is none. Right. But there's none because I do a good job on the way to work.

We keep a lot of wood in the car, too, so we can sort. I'm literally missing my flight right now. I mean, literally. We should just go. You're coming with me? Yeah, we should all go. You guys are coming to Ottawa? Yeah. Wow. Thanks so much, you guys. Thanks for having us back. Wait a minute, that's it? See ya. Stand up. Stand up, Slam Creek. Wow. Oh, my God.

That was it, huh? Yeah, that was it. Huh. Weird. Should we debut our... Because Harris and I have a couple new characters. Yeah. Oh, you have some new characters. Oh, no wonder you wanted to get out of those skins so quickly. Yeah, we have new characters. Okay. These are two guys. Okay. And... Two guys? Anything more needs to be said about them? No, they're just two guys. They're two guys.

So two males. Yeah, yeah. Okay, ready? Okay, great. Here we go. Debut of two new cracks. Slam. Open. Slam. Open. Can't seem to make up his mind.

slam open just walk in sit down sorry for opening and closing the door so many times yeah i mean this place is air conditioned yeah i have a bit i have ocd oh i understand everyone has their problems yeah yeah hi um hey hi you're you're a male yeah you're a guy yeah we're two guys okay hey how are you my name's blaze

His name's Blaze. Hey, Blaze. What's your name? Scott Aukerman. Hi, Scott. What's your name? Sarah. Hi, Sarah. I'm Blaze. Hi, Blaze. Hey. Three new cracks. No, I'm just kidding. Blaze. My name's Chelsea. Oh, okay. That's funny. I'm Blaze. Oh, that's funny. Good joke. Oh, thank you. Blaze, and what's your name? Rodney. It's Rodney Ogg, but my friends call me Rod Ogg, Raw Dog. Raw Dog. Okay. Yeah. Hey, Blaze. Hey, Raw Dog. Raw Dog.

How's it going? Great. Can I just say that you guys are both males? You're both... Yeah, yeah. Neither of you are women. Nah, we're guys. Yeah. Through and through. Full on dudes. Through and through. Cool. Cool.

So, um... What's up with you? What's your story? What happens? Chelsea, let's... Why do we talk about... I mean, you guys are strangers to us. Maybe we should hear about you. Yeah, it seems kind of intense to just say that to someone. Yeah, that you just met. Blaze wants to know what your deal is. Who are you? I don't know who Blaze is, and I definitely don't know who Raw Dog is. Rodney Ogg.

His friends call him Raw Dog. I bet they do. Yeah. Yeah, they do. Are we your friends yet? No. I'm Rodney to you. Okay, Rodney. Well, why don't you tell us what your deal is? We work for our livings?

Yeah. What our living deal is? Yeah, I mean, just what's your life like? Oh, well, we, I guess the nuts and bolts, we work at, you know, those little things on headphones, like the little plastic things that slide up and down to keep the headphones kind of together so they don't tangle? Yeah.

To keep the blue streams either apart or together. We call them blue streams. They're just wires. Oh, okay. I guess I don't know that much about headphones. Clearly. They're called Clemtons. All right, Blaze. You don't have to be so hot. You don't know shit about Clemtons.

You probably don't know a lot about my job. You put a Klimpton on a blue stream, slide it up and down. All right. And so, you know, it takes a machine to make those. Okay. We make the machines that make those machines. Oh, okay. We call the Klimpton, we call it a machine. Because what it's- Bill Klimpton? I'm sorry? Yes, they're named after him.

So you're not that far off. I love him. Yeah, he's the best. He's like the first black president. And he played sax on our sin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He died for our sin. When he was campaigning for his first run up, by first I mean the second one in 96. Sure. We all know what you mean. He came by the factory and-

and said, hey, that's a great gadget you got going there. And we thought, well, we should name this after him. But we thought his name was Bill Clinton. Ha ha ha!

And we love Bill Plimpton's cartoons, too. And Martha Plimpton was also a dear friend of yours at the time, I heard. Yes. You know. Through the grapevine. You totally know about us already. Well, I just put it together. You're Blaze and... Rodney. Rodney. Rod Dogg. Yeah, I think we have a mutual friend. Who is it? Charlize. Do you know a girl named Charlize? Like a blonde girl? One of my good friends.

I only know one Charlize and she's a movie star. I know Charlize Heen. Yeah, it's Charlize Heen. Charlize Heen? Charlize Heen. Is that how you say it? Seheen? Charlize Seheen? Heen? Charlize Heen? Yeah, that's how you say it. Is he Armenian? Yes, Charlize Seheen. Charlize Seheen.

So we are friends with him. Oh, yeah. He said a bunch of stuff about you guys. Like good stuff? Not all of it. No. What did he say that was bad? He said like you guys are ball hogs in basketball when you guys play like on weekends. I remember he said raw dog's a ball hog. Yeah. Yeah. And he said that Martha Plimpton hanged out with you, but she didn't really like you. That's rough. Yeah.

That's really shitty of him. That's really rough. Why would he say that? That is hurtful. So guys, what are you doing here? Oh boy. I can't tell if she's crying because of that information she imparted. I'm about to cry outside. I love Martha.

I don't like no one. She doesn't like us. What'd she do? She had a breakdown. Raising hopes, Martha Plimpton? No. Don't own a TV. Don't own a home. Oh. Yeah. Well, at least your priorities are in order. We live in the, in the, in the Climpton factory. So you live where you work. Is it a work-live situation? Yeah. I just said we live in the Climpton factory. Yeah.

A live-work situation. It's literally 5 a.m. Oh, we got to go to work. How many hours of sleep are we going to get now, raw dog? How do you know when you're working and when you're living? Well, we actually have a rule. If you're working, you always have to have a hard hat on. And if you're living, you always have to have a margarita. Yeah.

That's a great rule. Just for anyone out there. Yeah. Absolutely. I think that's a great rule. Actually, our first album is called Ardatz and Margaritas. Wait, you guys are musicians? Yeah. We have a bunch of albums. I didn't know that. Wait. Blaze and Raw Dog? I don't know.

I had no idea. Yeah. Hard hats and margaritas. Hard hats and margaritas. Yeah. Okay. Well, um... And what... You should tell them the name of our second album. So, the name of our second album, have you ever seen, um, like a sunset? Mm-mm. No. What is it? Shit. Well... What is one? Actually, it's fine. The album's called You Gotta Check Out a Sunset. Oh. Oh.

So I guess that definitely applies to you guys. Yeah. In parentheses, if you haven't seen one. Blaze, I'm going to have to insist that you give us the name of your third record. Yeah, you got to, man. Oh, the third record. When was the last time you guys went on like a super long walk together?

Through a city and then just to the outskirts where it turns into either the woods, the desert, or just like walking right into the ocean. Just depending on where the city is. I love that title. That's amazing. Very long. Wow. That's like Fiona Apple-esque. Yeah. I got to get back to my kids. How many kids do you have? Twelve. What are their ages? One, one, two.

One, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, one, eight.

So wait, you had, I don't even know what to call 11 identical. No, they might not be identical. You could have impregnated 11 women. Oh, that's true. No, I didn't. There was an 11 attempts. 11 attempts? 11 attempts to impregnate your wife once? It's called an 11-a-tumplet. Okay. 11-a-tumplet? And then an 8-year-old. And then an 8-year-old. Wow. You're a little married? An 8-year-old is the mother.

No. No, she's not. You have time to take that back. You can't take it back right now. We give you one take back in your improv. We had her artificially exhibited. You have one take back. Reminder. I didn't have sex with her. Still got that reminder floating out there. I didn't have sex with her. But we did put eggs and semen in it.

But raw eggs. OTB. So we did incubate 11 children inside of her. Also at the factory, we can do that. Yeah. At the Clemson factory? Yeah. It's sort of a medical... Okay. Yeah. Improv shows would be good if you allowed every performer one take back.

I say no take backs. What's an improv show? See, you know, now I'm talking about things that you don't know about and I'm not getting all haughty on you, Alan. You know, I wish we could play you guys a track from, I don't know if you've ever taken a walk like through a city all the way through until it goes to like either the forest, a desert, or a lake.

We could do a Rockapella. Or like straight into the ocean, depending on where the city is. I think there is a clip from one of your albums. Do you want to bust a Rockapella right now? Yeah, sure. All right. Let's do it. All right. Do you know when you take a walk to the city? Whether it be the state of the sea.

the fourth best of luck to true my friend to true my friend to true my friend this is good this is like legitimately good to true my friend that's actually from our that's from our fourth album okay great

That's a good track. You like it? I love it. It's like garbage to me. I actually heard that it was someone, we're actually in a lawsuit right now. Because people, they stole it. Well. They're serving whoever stole it. They put it online. Well, how are they serving them? Like, are they going to wait outside their place? No, I like Applebee's. They're serving them.

So, like, instead of a menu, they get a subpoena? Yeah. Okay. But the subpoena has food items on it. And good deals. Just like all good subpoenas have. Have you ever gotten a subpoena? It's where the subpoena is written on the penis. I... Well...

My last lawyer actually did say that that's what that was. He said, this is what a subpoena is. And you accepted it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was divorcing my wife, and he boofed me. He just rammed you. How many times have you been married, Raw Dog? Well, between seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven, seven. It's seven. Seven.

Wow, Blaze knows you so well. Seven. We live and work together. Hey, ask me how many cars I have. How many cars do you have? Two. It's two. Yeah, I have two cars.

You guys remind me of these other two guys I know. Who? Who's that? Wait, let us guess. Brad Pitt and River Phoenix? One dead, one alive? Is that who? Tell us. No, it's these guys, Brian and... Never heard of them. Really? I didn't even say the second name, first of all. We've never heard of a Brian. What is that? What is that? It's a human name! Never heard it.

I find that hard to believe. Sounds stupid.

Well, guys, it's so great to get to meet you guys. You guys are really... It's so great to get through the first third of this podcast. What's a podcast? Yeah, I don't understand. Oh. Do you know about anything other than... Why do you guys have headphones on? Are you listening to tunes? I'm going to show you a picture of yourself right now that's going to blow your fucking mind. A picture? What's that? Wait a minute. You don't know about anything other than headphones. What year is it to you?

What is a year? Touche. You know what that is? Touche? You didn't raise any hackles with that? No question. What's a shea? You know what a touche is. How are there two of them? Touche. Touche Guevara was... Was what?

Was a leader about Touche. Actually, no, he wasn't. What was he? Go on. He was a revolutionary. He was a highlight player. He was a revolutionary point maker. Touche Guevara. I think we definitely need to go. I'm not going to argue with you. So guys, it's been an honor meeting you. It really has. I would salute you. What's that?

It's where a person puts their hand to their forehead. Have you heard of the army? What's that? What is that? You're pointing at each other. You don't know what each other are? It's your friend. It's your live work friend. What?

It's dark at our factory. What's that? Is this the first time you've been in a room with the lights on? Have you ever seen Nell, the movie? Sure. We're a lot like that. Oh, okay. No, I've seen Give Me a Break starring Nell Carter. Oh, yeah, we're like that too. Oh, okay, great, great. So you don't know what each other are. You're males. You're guys. Males? We're male men. You are? Yeah. Okay. Male men. Is that what it is? Is that what it's called, what we do? Is that how you is?

Is our friends hunting? Who is this? And this is us. Ciao. Ciao. All of a sudden he knows Italian. Bisous. And scene.

Wow. Good character work, guys. Those are the new ones. Oh, my God. We've been working on those for a while. Those are so good. And I don't say that lightly, you know? It's like, obviously, I consider myself at the top of the art form. I agree. But I feel like you guys... Obviously, you do. You really mapped out these characters to where it's like, I never felt like there was any moment you didn't know where these guys' heads would be at. We don't want to waste people's time. Right.

And you don't. You didn't. We like to get right to it. You didn't just now. Yeah, and we like to wrap it up really quickly too. Yeah, a lot of comedians like to go around and find their fucking... Leave them wanting more.

So get to the point and get the fuck out. Yes. They got their asses in the seats. We got them there. Let's give it to them. Let's give it, yeah. Let's move them out and get the next show going. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. Guys, it's Hollywood Nights. It's really late and we just have one last thing to do and that is the little something that we call Pul-Lugs. It's, it's, it's, it's called Pul-Lugs. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Let's do it.

I think I like this. I think I'm gonna like this. Plugging. Plug bag plugs. Plugs! Are you following me on Instagram? I just started. I just started. Plug bag plugs. Plug bag plugs.

Oh, that is a great theme. That is Nate Appel with Plugs Theme July 12. If you have a Plugs theme for the What's Up Hot Dog Memorial Plugs section, then go head over to Earwolf.com under the Comedy Bang Bang message boards and put it in the appropriate thread. And you can be famous for a week. And, Nate, you are famous for this week and this week only. Thank you so much. And before we get to the plugs, I want to give a shout-out to Mark Rayner who donated $100 to Earwolf. Thank you so much, Mark.

Your money is what keeps us going. Harris, what do we got? Look out for this album, Hard Hats and Margaritas. Something.

Some frenziers made? Yeah, some cool dudes. But honestly, watch Parks and Rec when it comes on, whenever the shit. Oh, the Humble Brack book comes out September 25th. I saw the thank you section, and I think it's okay to mention. You were in there. I've been thanked in a lot of books and in a lot of albums, and yours is the most recent. So thank you so much.

That was a very warm sentiment. Thank you. You deserve it. Thanks. Humblebrag book comes out in September, but you can pre-order it right now. Yeah, you can pre-order at Dee's Nuts. That's not cool. That's not cool. Adam, what do you have? I wanted to plug this album. I don't know if you've ever taken a walk through a city.

All the way until you get to the edge or you go through the city all the way to the forest or the desert or a parking lot or ride out straight into the ocean, wherever the city may be. Right. And where can we buy that? Where can't you buy it?

I can answer that. Libraries. Wendy's. Mailbox. Amoeba. You can't buy it at Amoeba. You said a record store. Yeah, you can't buy it there. iTunes as well. You can't buy it there. It doesn't sound like you can buy it anywhere. Amazon's not available. Any record store?

No, no, no. Oh, okay. Wow. Does it exist? Yeah, it exists. Yeah, you can buy it. You just can't buy it anywhere, but you can buy it anywhere. Okay. So look for that everywhere. Okay, great. Chelsea, what do you have? I'm going to be in Bloomington, Indiana at the Comedy Attic the 12th through the 14th of July. I'm going to be at Just for Laughs in Montreal.

At some point that. The last week or last week of July. The last week of July, right. What's that festival for? Comedy. And I'll also be. Just for laughs. I'm doing a bunch of Aziz's dates opening for him. So go to azizandsari.com and you can. No, go to chelseavparetti.twitter. Dot Twitter. Twitter. I'll post my dates. I never update my website calendar. Okay.

Thank you. Bye. And you're one of America's great stand-ups. Yes. I am going on tour myself with Comedy Bang Bang. Going on tour. First of all, I'll see you in San Diego this Sunday.

We're doing a warm-up date out there at Comic-Con, so I'll see you out there. And then the tour starts in earnest on July 29th in Minnesota. Going to Minnesota. Chicago just sold out. Oh, by the way, San Diego is sold out now. Chicago just sold out, adding a second show. Going to Seattle, Portland, San Francisco. You're announcing sold-out shows? That's what you're plugging? No.

I'm trying to give people the impetus that they need to buy tickets if they're going to go to some of these other shows. Boston, you heard about? Oh, L.A. L.A. is going to be a great show. Someone in this room might be on it, I feel like. It's me. Where are you going to play in L.A.? A place called the Unitarian Church, a new venue. Yes.

And it's going to be a really interesting show. We're going to do... Are you a cult leader? Yes. Yes. The Unitarian Church. I planned that date. It's going to be a really interesting show. I'm going to have different people and different dates. I'm going out with Matt Besser for a while. James Adomian is going to be on most of the dates. No, all of the dates. Oh, everything except Vancouver.

Vancouver is going to be special. Vancouver, you're getting a special show, which I can't talk about. But James will be on every other date other than that, but also going out with Matt Besser, going out with Paul F. Tompkins, going out with Tim Heidecker, going to have special guests in certain cities. It's going to be a really interesting tour. So go get tickets for that. New York also sold out, but we added a second show. And I want to plug the Comedy Bang Bang TV show this Friday. We have Paul Rudd is on.

As well as Matt Besser is on, the aforementioned Matt Besser, and James Adomian as well. He's playing Huell Hauser on this week's show, and a lot of special guest stars. So that's on IFC Friday night at 10, 9 Central. And guys, we're closing up the old plug bag. Can we close up the old plug bag? Closing up the plug bag. Yeah. Closing up the plug bag. Okay.

That's Camerino with the closing of the plug bag theme. Good dick. And guys, thank you so much. I think this was just as good as the first one. What do you guys think? If not worse. Literally, my flight is so soon. All right, guys. We'll see you another time. Thanks. See you next week. Bye. Here we go.

This has been an Earwolf Media Production. Executive Producers Jeff Ulrich and Scott Aukerman. For more information, visit Earwolf.com. EarwolfRadio.com. The wolf dead.

Want to hear Earwolf Pilots before anybody else? We made a podcast feed just for you. Earwolf Presents is full of great stuff, like preview episodes for upcoming shows, peeks behind the paywall, and pilots for podcasts that haven't even been made yet. It's like getting to listen in behind the scenes here at Earwolf. Starting January 21st, Earwolf Presents will have a bunch of new pilots for you, like Edgar Montplaisir's The Wokest,

Catch conversations between the wokest man in the world and comedians like Reza Lacheya. Also, hear upcoming pilots, the Florida cast. Wow, you're Native American too? This Week in Sports and Carl Alarm all throughout the month. Let us know what you think of them with hashtag Earwolf Presents. Subscribe to Earwolf Presents to hear more great episodes from around the network and behind the paywall, like an episode of Drew Tarver's Strictly Business with Derek Contrera or Act 1 of Matt Besser's punk musical Stolen Idea.

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