15th Anniversary: Jason Mantzoukas, Paul F. Tompkins, Andy Daly, Lily Sullivan, Tim Baltz, Shaun Diston, Vic Michaelis, Lisa Gilroy, Will Hines
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Thank you, Reggie Watts. You know, when you think about it, Willy Wonka was a pretty unorthodox guy.

Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. Thank you to Darren Hicks for that catchphrase submission. I mean, I guess...

You got to agree with the thesis. I guess I don't get it. I mean, is it? Hey, no dings. Comedy Bang Bang is the world's first dingless podcast. You're willing to say this is a no ding zone. This is a no ding zone. We established it. I believe a gentleman by the name of August Lind helped us out in that regard. And we established we are the world's first dingless podcast. That being said, there was just a ding. There was just a ding, but it was brought by one of our guests. Sorry, man.

Shimmy! I forgot I had my ring around. Shimmy, you can't just come in barge. I mean, first of all, you did barge in here. Yeah, I'm on the barge. You didn't just enter. Are you a door-to-door ding guy? Yeah, you need some dings?

Just dropping dings. I gotta go. Oh, he's always gotta go. Gotta go. Wow. What a guy. What a guy. But yes, Comedy Bang Bang. Welcome to Comedy Bang Bang. My name is Scott Aukerman, the world's first dingless podcast. There have been podcasts before, like Serial and Conan O'Brien, obviously. Full of dings. Yeah, full of dings. But we were the first podcast to be able to, yeah, of course. We can't get rid of those on Comedy Bang Bang, unfortunately. Oh, no. Comedy Bang Bang. Present company included. Full of ding-dongs.

Emphasis on dogs. Oh, no. Well, let's talk to this guy because he is our first guest. And he is. Look, one thing I want to say about look today's show before we get too far in the weeds about it. This is a very special show. You want to know why? Tell me.

It is the 15th anniversary episode. Wow. Wow. 15 years. And it's crazy. You look great, by the way. Thank you. When you started, you were 45. Sounds like you're teeing something up. Okay. You were 45 when you started? You look fantastic for 60. Thank you so much. You're not incredibly far off. That's why usually exaggeration works if you go really far, but...

Look, 15 years ago, it was 2009, we started this show, and we're in our quinceañera. And yeah, we've all put on pretty dresses. Yes. And we're taking pictures by the fountain. I love this. 15 years truly is, just for a moment, insane.

Yeah. Have you ever done anything for 15 years? Well, I mean, how did this get made? It's 14 years. Is it sad? You'll never catch up to me. Wow. Isn't that interesting? Unless you finish before we do. That's right. I don't think I'm going to finish. Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Can I finish? Thank you, Ross Perot. Of course. Why doesn't he come back? Oh, right. He's not with us anymore. Ha ha.

I guess you could say that about a lot of people. You know, but honestly, like, why doesn't Dana Carvey just live life as Ross Perot? As Ross Perot. We loved Ross Perot. Dana Carvey, we loved too, but... Why not give us a reality show where Ross Perot, you know, we find out what he's up to now. Live a couple of years as Ross Perot. Yes. You know? Do you know? Let me introduce our first guest. He is, he mentioned it, he's one of the hosts of How Did This Get Made?

And he has other stuff. He's on the new Star Trek Prodigy show. And he was in a movie called, was it Silence? What was it called? The Martin Scorsese movie, priest movies, Adam Driver, Andrew Garfield. Adam Driver was in that too? He was in Silence. He's a priest? Is he an Italian priest? Going, hey, Gucci. Hey.

Ferrari. Ferrari. Jesus Christ. I'm just going to move this accent into Ferrari if you don't mind. I'm desperate for a movie where Adam Driver plays an Italian character and he interacts with Russell Crowe's Italian priest character from The Pope's Exorcist. Desperate for this. And then Russell Crowe as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde from The Mummy, too. Okay, great. Get them all involved. All the Russell Crowe accents? Yep.

Well, then I'm throwing in Russell Crowe as Zeus, his Greek accent, which was absolute insanity. Please welcome to the show for the first time, Jason Mantzoukas. Oh, no, no, not for the first time.

You've been on several times. Yeah, I think this is my third time. Thank you so much for having me. Yeah, welcome back to the show. What a delight. It's so great to have you on again. It's really fun. It's great. I know every couple of years when I get that call, do you want to come and be on Comedy Bang Bang? I'm like, wow, I would love nothing more. So every five years you've been on the show. It's wonderful to have you. Jay, Jay Dog. Oh, Scotty.

So good to have you back. 15 years. You've been with us ever since the first year, I believe. I think maybe the second year is my guess. Were you ever in the radio station? That was the first year. My first appearance was myself, Natasha Leggero, and Bob Duca reading A Ship Called Hope.

Boy, I found I found a video of a child on YouTube reading A Ship Called Hope to her school. Oh, no. It's like in like a like a show and tell or like. Yeah, exactly. Like a rehearsal, a recital or something. And it was wild. Was it inspirational or credible? I was like, this is awesome. Wow. I would love to see that.

But please don't send it to me. I'm not taking any submissions at this time. But Jason's... I'm already turning it into something. Hey, no dings. So many dings. No dings. Shimmy, are you back here? Sorry. We don't want dings. I forgot my charger. This is a dingless spot. You forgot your charger? Yeah. To make more dings? Yeah, I gotta make those dings.

Get out of here. I'm available for technical support. Oh, August. Hello. August Lent is back. What are you doing here? I'm sorry. I just heard that this was not the dingless environment it was meant to be. Well, I mean, unfortunately, it's not on my end and the technical end. It's Shimmy over here keeps bringing him in. August is shadowing me.

We're shadowing you. Yeah, in the door-to-door ding business. He's been having ding problems. You're going to start putting dings into things? Yes, I could put ding things in or put ding things out. Okay, we don't want him in. You put the ding things in, you take the ding things out. You put the ding things in and you shake it all about. Jimmy, I've never said this to you before, but you got to go.

I got to go. Well, he goes, I go, and so goodbye. Where we go, where we go. You know what? I will say they make a very good team. WWG1? WGA? Don't look that up.

Well, anyway, Jason, look, it's the 15th anniversary. Who knows who's going to drop by? Well, I do know one person who's going to stop by. You do have an open-door policy. I do, yes. So, you know, anybody might join, or nobody. It might just be you and I talking about Batman Offworld, the new comic book from DC. I have not read that, but we can cover that on our comic book show if we ever do it. But no one wants to hear that. I don't think so, and nobody's interested. Yeah, but we do have... I do know who our first guest is. He is a...

I don't believe you two have ever met before. He is the owner of Gastemony Liquor and Scratcher. And please welcome back to the show, Original Fig. Hey, Scott. Thanks for having me. Hey. It's so good to have you. Jason, nice to meet you. Great to meet you. How are yous doing, guys? I'm good.

I'm good. Yeah. 15 years. Have you ever done anything for 15 years? How long has Get Them Any Liquor been open? Oh, I took it over from my dad when he retired. Oh, you did? Yeah. What was it called then? It was called the same thing. Yeah. Oh, because I thought you called it that because you're a big true crime fan. Yeah. And the Bible is the original. It's my favorite true crime book. Yeah. So you named it as a kid? I named it as a kid. Oh.

So even as a kid, that was your favorite book. I've been a true crime buff forever. I feel like I was the first one. Yeah. Well, those are some of the first crimes. That's right. Exactly. I mean, like a lot of crime is invented. Eating that apple? Yeah. Well, eating the apple makes us aware that some of these things are crimes. Shout out to Cain and Abel, first murder. Yeah. Best to ever do it, I would say. I mean, to gain the knowledge between good and evil. Cain.

Kane like invented the genre of murder. Yeah, he did. Yeah, not even not even Satan did that like honestly, we would even Satan was like, whoa, dude, we wouldn't have Hannibal Lecter, but for Kane. Yeah, it's fake crime. Oh interesting. That's big crime. Yeah, I'm not as interested in that, you know, like I'll say you're not interested in fictional characters, I guess I mean like I like some fictional care. I like I like Iron Man. I like the theater.

Iron Man is like Vin Diesel, right? Boy, would that be great. That would have been awesome. In an alternate universe, yes. It's like a cartoon. Yes, essentially. Yeah, kind of like. Yeah, it is. I mean, most of those movies are cartoons that trick us into thinking they're live action. Because every once in a while they take off their faceplate and you see a real actor's face. You think they're tricking us?

I think they're tricking us. Yeah. And that's a real crime. I never thought of entertainment in that way before, that it's a trick. Oh, yeah. It kind of is. Yeah. If it works well, they've got you fooled completely. I just thought they were trying to entertain us. If you enjoy it and are entertained, you've been made a fool. Yeah. You've been conned. You've been embarrassed. Shame on you. It's disappointing to find out. Yeah.

Yeah, that's why Jason and I, we go to movies and we go, boom, this sucks. Nice try, turkeys. What if a movie doesn't have any special effects in it? Is it still a trick? Yeah. I can't think of a movie that doesn't have special effects because even an edit is a special effect. Sure, or just like the actors pretending to be people they're not is a lie. Yeah. Well, I know that. I mean, I know they're not really people. So if you saw a documentary that was all in one take, sure, that's fine.

But I mean, I'm going into the movie knowing that it's fake. Like these are people pretending to be other people. The story's made up, but you're telling me they're trying to trick me? Yeah. I mean, it's a lot like when you know you're being conned supposedly, but they're setting you up for the bigger con.

I don't follow that at all. I'm sorry. So these are common. They count on people knowing that they're being conned. The first con is an obvious. And why? So why did they go? Oops. They go along with it just because they know they're like, okay, now I want in on the con to con other people. The mark thinks they've outsmarted the con. You ever see the sting cons layers of con? Yeah. You ever see the wrath of con?

Arnold Schwarzenegger? How about just about? Con Air? The hairdryer? Oh, yeah. Actually, it is that too. How did they get away with that? That's a good question. Was that just product placement? Was Con Air the movie supposed to be a play on Con Air the hairdryer? It was, yes. But how did they get away with it? I don't know. But for real, were people meant to think that? Why would they do that? Yeah.

That can't be right. It is right, yes. Because Con Air has existed, the hair dryer brand, for a long time. But I mean, you know for a fact. They're like, hey, you know what would be funny? If we called it Con Air because it's convicts on a plane. I don't know for a fact, but what else could it be?

I mean... There's no other reason to call it Con Air other than it's a parody of Con Air. I guess my mind won't... It's not clever. My mind won't let me accept that. No, I agree. Because it only works if you think of it as convicts in the air. Con Air. The way it would be like that's the airline's name or something. Right, right. But to be like, oh, and it's clever because people will think of the hairdryer. And that...

That doesn't work for me at all. I think that they hoped people would think they were in a giant floating hairdryer. That's a trick. They were like, people would think like, oh, let's go see that hairdryer movie because that would be a draw. I love drying my hair. They made a movie about it. I will say that explains why Nick Cage's hair looks like that. There is no hairdryer in the movie.

Just long, wet, and stringy. It does, but it blows in the wind. Oh, yeah. I remember this movie now. You do remember? Yeah, yeah. Great Dave Chappelle movie. One of the best. Yeah. Nutty Professor. Sure. I'm trying to think of it. Sleepless in Seattle. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love this film. No, it was You Got Mail. You Got Mail. Yeah. That's right. He's Tom Hanks' guy. Yeah. Boy, I wish the mail still said that. And a star is born.

You wish the mail still said a star is born? A star is born, yeah. You wish your email said you've got mail? Email or regular mail. If my mailman came around and said- Did your regular mail ever say you've got mail? The mailman? Sometimes he would be funny. He'd go, you've got mail. Do you know your mail carrier's name? I do.

I don't want to say it here on air. I don't want to give away my assassination coordinates, but... Is that what they're called now? Assassination coordinates? Because they would be taking you down for political reasons. Is that what your message boards are saying? Anybody know the assassination coordinates for Scott? We've had the same mailman at Gethsemane for as far back as I can remember. Who is this? I can't believe he's not retired yet.

His name is Jojo. Jojo? Yeah. Oh, wow. Okay. And sometimes he carries the mail in his mouth. Why? Because he's carrying coffee or something? Is it a mail dog? No, he's a real guy, but he does, he's like, he's sorting through the mail and he'll just like put some in his mouth as he's rummaging in the bag. Huh. I don't like that. I don't like that.

I don't like it either, but you can't stop him now. And now the male, as he gets older and older, the male gets wetter and wetter. Oh, no. Yeah. Does he ever, like, does he have dentures? Does he ever accidentally leave them in, like, a letter when he delivers? It happens. You know what's tough about that is, like... One time he bit his own hand. They fell in there, and he didn't realize it. And he was reaching in for a package. He's like, ah, there's a piranha in here.

He also sounds like he's halfway to the loony bin. Or is he just really old and maybe his dementia or something? He has his bad days and his worst days. Oh, geez, that's not good at all. It's tough because he's probably leaving his biological evidence everywhere he delivers. So if any crime happens in any house on his route, his DNA will be all over the place. Do you know, Jason, I take it as...

a statement from him saying, I'm not going to murder you. Here's my DNA. That's how safe you can feel with me. Here's my dental records right on this envelope. Here is blood work. Yeah, sometimes he gets sores from drinking too much grape juice. Oh, wow. I don't think I've ever drank that much grape juice. Can too much grape juice give you sores? It can, yeah. Oh, wow.

If you're drinking grape juice all the time. Do you sell and drink grape juice at Gethsemane? We have grape juice, yeah. Oh, okay. I mean, we have wine. I mean, that's grape juice in a way.

Boy, speaking of the Bible, in Gethsemane, they were drinking wine, right? Let's dig into it. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. A lot of wine in the Bible. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of drunkards in the Bible. A lot of drunkards. A lot of it makes sense when you're like, oh, these guys are just half in the bag all the time. Well, you've got to remember, too, this is an era where nobody's drinking water. There is no drinkable water. Some of the only things you can safely drink is wine and beer.

beer and these kind of things. I'm thirsty. Better wait for these grapes to ferment. So the whole Noah thing was him just drunk off his ass going, get in here, animals. Yeah, maybe he told he like, no, God never spoke to him. That was just his idea. Yeah. No, I mean, I don't think God ever spoke to any of these guys, right? What about that bush? Ah, the bush. You can't explain the bush away, can you? The burning bush? Yeah. What a powerful thing for a God to do.

What a terrifying thing to see it must have been. Oh my gosh. Well, because so dry out there, you're like, oh, we're in trouble.

who was smoking? You know, and then people start accusing each other. Yeah. And, uh, who's that bear who's, who doesn't like, uh, smoky, smoky, the one, you think he's the one who doesn't like forest fires? I mean, all of them are a little upset about it. There is like a, I wonder if they'll ever try and put smoky together with McGruff, McGruff, the crime crime dog. Yeah. All of the anthropomorphic animals who don't like crime. Correct. Who are kind of trying to keep a watch on things. Do you remember when they did that, uh,

like sort of photorealistic Smokey the Bear. Smokey Bear, by the way. His name is Smokey Bear. He's not Smokey the Bear? He's not Smokey the Bear. Oh, really? This is a Mandela effect. Really? Yes. Okay, let me tell you about the Mandela effect. Please do.

CERN. You know CERN? I don't know CERN. The space... Space thing? Yeah. The space thing? What is CERN, Jason? Did you explain it? The space department? No, isn't it searching for extraterrestrial life? It's like a super collider or something. Oh, okay. That's SETI. That's SETI, you're right. CERN is like a super collider, I think. Got it, go ahead. And so it opened a rift

And it caused our timeline to like ever so slightly... Just reset itself? Yeah, reset itself in various ways. And this manifests itself in spellings of things. Oh! The names of articles that you think are in a phrase but aren't anymore. Like Mr. Rogers saying, it's a beautiful day in this neighborhood rather than the neighborhood. Also Nelson Mandela dying in prison. So...

It's chilling to think about. I'm so sorry to interrupt you. Mr. Rogers saying this neighborhood instead of the neighborhood, that's fucking me up. Right? Exactly. It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood. I don't...

That means he's excluding you. Yeah. He's saying the neighborhood where I am, it's beautiful. Only beautiful here. When he would say the neighborhood, I thought like, oh, that's like all of us. We're here with you. I figured he lived near me. I know. I thought he was like welcoming me in. Like now when you hear me saying we're all in the same neighborhood. But when he says this neighborhood, I feel excluded. Yeah. But he didn't say it, right?

No, he does say this now. No, he doesn't. But of course. Is he still making shows? Scott, this is... I saw that documentary on him. I don't remember. And the Tom Hanks movie about him. Does that exist? Tom Hanks dressing up as Mr. Rogers? Impersonating him? Yeah.

Try to walk into Mr. Rogers' bank? Cash some checks? Anyone who does, like, Jamie Foxx should have done that with Ray. He should have, like, tried to go into the bank and go, hey, I'm Ray Charles. Hey, I'm Ray Charles from four years ago. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Can I take all my money out, please? At what point will one of those performances tip into just touring as that person? Like, when does Austin Butler just start touring as Elvis? When does Austin Powers...

Honestly, if Austin Butler did that, I think it'd be good. I bet it would be great. I'd go see it. Yeah, skating around. We're trying to do stuff like that. Jace, you don't know this, but at Gethsemane Liquor and Scratcher, we try to do- You do theater productions on a makeshift stage? We try to, because the liquor store is like the hub of the neighborhood. You know what I mean? It's where people go to have real conversations about stuff. Of course, like every American town. Exactly. Every American town-

At the liquor store is where it happens. There's a post office, a town hall, and a liquor store. It's news, gossip, it's politics, it's philosophy, it's everything. And so we try to get some art involved in the community as well. So we've done a lot of plays there. We clear out some of the aisles and move the shelves back a little bit. And then we build a stage out of cases of beer there.

And we've done some ambitious stuff. We did Miss Saigon last year. How did you land the helicopter? Yeah, what was the helicopter? You know what we did? And this is, you're going to like this because it's like Hollywood tricks, right? Okay. Here's what we did.

We did like a toy helicopter. Okay. But we lowered it like right in front of the front row. Oh, wow. So it looked bigger to them. Forced perspective. Yeah, forced perspective. Exactly. It's like Indiana Jones' Boulder. Exactly. Yeah. That perspective was forced. Yes. Upon the audience. And here's what they did with that. They made a small thing look bigger by putting it further away. Yeah. Man.

Well, that is ingenious. Yeah. How did it go over? People loved it. Was it all Asian cast? Okay, well...

We transformed it to another location to avoid that. Did you call it Miss Saigon? We did call it Miss Saigon, but we spelled Saigon differently. Oh, okay. P-S-Y-G-O-N-E. Oh, wow. And then we had a few nods to Gone Girl in there as well. Smart. I love that. Gone Girl is really mixing it up. The Sesame Street Muppet?

Chef Gonger? Chef Gonger? I don't remember him. I have a kid now. Mandela Effect. You are making the wrong... Gonger and Cookie Monster are both chefs. Oh, got it. Chefs? Do you remember when he used to... Chef Shellios? Before the Mandela Effect, he used to be Cookie Gentleman. Oh, really? And he would offer people cookies. Oh, how nice of him. Oh, that's really nice. I prefer that, actually, to the guy who's always taking them. Instead of gobbling them up like a monster? And Kermit died in prison. Oh, whoa. Well, for Crimes Against Humanity? He was framed. Oh, wow.

Well, guys, we need to get to our next guest, if that's okay. Sure. This is very exciting. By the way, I would love if the Muppets' next movie was an adaptation of The Fugitive, starring Kermit. Sure. You know what? That's not a bad idea, right? I heard somebody talk about this on a podcast recently, and it struck a chord with me. You listen to a lot of podcasts? I love podcasts, yeah. It's great. True crime podcasts. I listen to them in the store. True crime podcasts. Hey, shout out to all my murderinos out there. But I...

I heard a guy say that when he was a kid and he saw the Muppet movie, that it disturbed him to see the Muppets legs. Yeah. I relate to that strongly. Yeah, I remember that. As someone who watched so much Muppet. Even just thinking about it. I was excited because you never got to see him. So I was like, hey, show me a little bit of that leg. I don't think I knew it was. What? Show me a little bit of that leg. Hey, camera, tilt down a little bit. Oh, God. They never would.

But as, yes, as a regular viewer of the Muppets on Sesame Street or the Muppet Show, to then see them flopping around with those, especially Kermit with those skinny little legs. Come on. Like, hey, what about leg day, Kermit? Yeah. Hey. Hey, Kermit. How about juicing? How about getting some of that? How about getting some of that steroids? You know who don't skip leg day? Fozzie. Oh.

Because first you see Kermit riding that bike and it's like, I don't like this. It's too insect-y. Then you see Fozzie dance around like, uh-uh, I don't like this at all. But then you see Rolf's legs and you're like, give me this. Yeah, look at those getaway sticks. Did that happen? I don't remember that. I mean, he's always at the piano. He's probably pressing the pedals on the piano. You've got to assume. I'm fine to assume that. I don't want to see. I mean, I'm hearing these notes sustained, so he's doing something down there.

Well, guys, we do need to get to our next guest. It's been eight years since we've talked to him. Scott, can I say thank you for having me on this very special episode? Yeah, it's so wonderful to have you, Original Fig. Yeah. So eight years is more than half the time we've been doing the show. So that's really interesting. Were you about to say you've been in business? Yeah. Yeah.

More than half the time we've been in business. He is an underwater creature from the lost city of Atlantis. Please welcome back to the show, Neptuna. Thank you, Scott. It's wonderful to be here on White Day. I'm so excited to receive my invitation.

Oh, as quickly as you could. Because you missed wet day by over three weeks. What are you talking about? No, no. April 10th. What?

We're in May already. Yeah. How long did it take you to get here? Yeah. I wonder if this is anything to do with like climate change or like. Yeah. Or daylight savings. The two things that can make someone late. I don't know. I'm just I'm trying to help the guy out. He seems hard to draw.

Oh, yeah. The international dateline. Oh, the dateline. Oh, you must love dateline. Hold on, Neptuno. Of course I love dateline. Oh, it's great. Do you think you got Mandela affected? I don't know what Mandela is. You should probably explain it to him. Do you know who Nelson Mandela is? Who? He's a land creature.

I live in the city of Atlantis. I am not familiar with a lot of your surface life. The best way to describe Nelson Mandela is he's a guy who lived on land. You start there and then zoom out. Oh, of course. But I wouldn't know much about it. Okay. Well, Neptune, it's great to have you back, regardless of if it's belated for wet day or not. Well, it's wonderful to be here.

The invitation I received was a printed invitation, and it was rather smudged by the time I got it. So is your mailman JoJo, too? Yeah, actually. JoJo makes his way down to Atlanta. That's the name of my mailman. Wow.

Well, it's wonderful to have you, Neptuna. I mean, the last time you were here, you had come to warn us of an impending war between... And I am still warning you, Evert Scott! That's why I was looking forward to using the occasion of Wednesday to renew my warning to the people of the land. You have to renew a warning? Evidently. Like renewing your vows? Yes.

Well, no, it's different from that. Renewing your license, I guess. Still, also different. It just means I'm warning you again. Okay, what was the war between sea life and... He's getting so animated. He's getting very wet. Agitated, I should say. This was my plan to sort of celebrate with him, play along, and then at the right moment get serious.

I will say the floor is soaked. Do you want to put towels down? He's getting drier and drier. How long can you be outside the water? I don't know. You've never tested this? I am curious. I am curious two things. How long can you stay out of water and how robust will that voice be for that length of time? I also don't know. Moment to moment is a test of my abilities.

But I would appreciate having someone dump a glass or even a bucket of water. I don't think we have a bucket, but... I'll take it in any vessel. Is beer okay? No! No!

Are you nursing a beer over there originally? I brought a case for everybody. Oh, a case for everybody? A case for everybody. That's awesome. We're getting a new stage. Oh, fuck yeah. You're getting an official stage? No, just a different brand of beer. I know Comedy Bang Bang's going on tour. You should play the Gethsemane. Oh, we should play your liquor store. I would love them. Where is that located? It's somewhere.

Yeah, it's on 3rd Street. Oh, right. Oh, nice. Do you have any saltwater liquid left? I got to start making that. The closest we got is brackish. Okay. Is saltwater, can you just pour salt and water and then it's okay? I'm going to say probably not. Okay. What if you mix it up real good? I guess.

I don't know how to do that. You get a spoon and stir it around. You'll never dissolve salt in the water. I never will? No. Oh, this is a challenge. Gauntlet picked up. Well, here, let me throw some of this on you. Oh, that's much better. Okay, much better. A little cold. Okay, I don't think beggars can be choosers here. That's going to be my... I never begged. I mean, you were down on your fish knees.

My celebrity beverage is just going to be salt water. Like, like, like everybody's got their signature, you know, vodka or gin. Why can't we drink salt water?

I think it's water. It kills us. Are you going to have on the label, like, for gargling purposes? Yes, for gargling purposes only, or for keeping underwater people alive. I got to ask, Neptuna, this war that is supposedly coming, we see life in humanity, how are you guys going to all survive up here? I mean, you haven't lasted 10 minutes without me throwing water on you. I know. The plan is not for the sea creatures to invade the land.

The plan is a coordinated attack when you're on your so-called bolts.

Okay, so when we're on like hovercrafts and jet skis and stuff, you guys are going to... You went right to hovercraft. Right. Yeah. Hovercrafts and jet skis? He said boats. Boats, sure. And you corrected it as hovercrafts and jet skis. I'm just imagining like the summer. This must be taking place in the summer. Neptuna, Neptuna. Original fig, Gethsemane garden and scratcher. Um...

Are you, is it only people that are on boats or you have no plan to come on to land to do anything? Of course not. The plan is that all of the creatures of the sea, I'm talking about whales, I'm talking about sharks, I'm talking about octopuses and splats and things you haven't even heard of.

Things we haven't heard? Oh, like, there are things that, yeah, I mean, it's a lot of honest people. From the depths of the darkest, deepest parts of the ocean. Neptune, tell me it's not going to involve those fish with the flashlights on their heads. Of course it is. They're, like, transparent. Those are different dudes. The guys where you can see their brains. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. No. All of my brain visible friends. Wait, Neptune, I'm so sorry to ask this question, but are you here because you're warning us because you don't think what your people are planning is good? Of course. Like, you are... Pro-humanity? Yeah, you're a piece... Because you sound real angry. I have spent the last eight years working so hard to keep my people peaceful. Yeah.

To prevent the creatures of the sea from rising up against the people of land. But no, like you failed? Every day is like, like any day I go to bed and there hasn't been a war between the sea people and the land people is a miracle. What's a bed? It's a water bed, right? Of course it's a water bed. By default. What else? How can you help it? How can you help it?

That's a waterbed, and I use one of those weighted blankets. Oh, okay. I keep myself. A waterbed under the water has got to be the wettest place.

Water bed. Yeah. And unbelievably warm. And so I would almost think underwater, the really what a cool thing, unique thing would be an air bed. A dry bed. A bed filled with air. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because that would be so unique. Like an air mattress. Yeah. Because it would fall to the surface. What if you tied it down? Didn't you see Godzilla Minus One? I did not. They defeated him with air mattresses. Yeah.

First, they sunk them with bubbles. Then they're like, yeah, this is true. First, they were like, this is just their big plan. Who, by the way? Scientists. They're defeating Godzilla, we presume? No, Godzilla. These are two different movies. Godzilla X-Kong. Yeah, where they collab. That and Godzilla Minus One are two different movies? Two different Godzilla movies that came out in the span of a few months. That's what I want.

I don't know if that really happens, does it? Yeah, I mean, I guess live, die, repeat. But they changed it. But they changed it only when... Ghostbusters Afterlife.

Star Wars and Star Wars Episode 4. That's true. So you do know some of our movies. Yeah, so it's interesting. Your references appear to be from the 70s. You're dialed in completely. But if it's modern times, you seem to have a dad's or uncle's understanding of modern culture. I'm going to ask you a question. Are you familiar at all with Dred Zeppelin? No.

Tortellvis! Yes! I love Prince Leopold! Charlie Hodge? Sure! Hot damn tamale ham! It almost... I love...

They were like a legitimately good way to end. Good stuff, yeah. And Torte Elvis was a talented Elvis of ours. He was, yeah. They were great. Shouldn't have worked, but it did. It did. Somehow it worked. How have they not come back? Why aren't they playing the circuit? First time I ever saw him, I was in a tiny club, and the guitarist had big, long sideburns, and we thought that must be the Elvis impersonator. And then Torte Elvis came in from the back and just with the cape.

And just was a big spotlight on the news. That might be the reason they're not together anymore. Or tell them to say it all the time. Hey, man, I'm the sideburns guy. Get rid of those fine sideburns. You don't think he was in on the entertainment trick?

you don't think Tor Talvis was in on the entertainment trick? Like, you go out there with the sideburns and then we'll blow their minds when I come in front of the back. Right. I doubt it. If you're listening to Dread Zeppelin, like, you know, obviously in underwater, you know, circumstances, is there just not compelling bands where you are? Like, are you having to listen to surface music? And are you listening to them in those, like, shower speakers down below the seat? Bluetooth battery low. Yeah.

We do have those. Do you remember that band, Aquaman, where the octopus was playing the drums? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're all tired of that. I can only imagine. Oh.

Say, hey, here's my new album. It's 31 tracks. They all sound the same. Oh, wait. What am I thinking of? Just drunk. Wow. Watch out. Watch out. Never mind. I don't want to upset the Swifties. Leave it alone, Neptuna. Leave it alone. Listen to the double album already. It's been out for a couple of weeks at this point. Oh, yeah. Scott's already said it. I mean, is everything two weeks behind for you? You're two weeks late to wet day. Yeah.

You haven't listened to Taylor Swift's album yet? Oh, have you not gotten Scott's multiple texts about which are Mattie Healy songs and which are Joe Alwyn songs? It's more Mandela effect. Don't you remember Taylor Swift was a country star? I swear to God, I remember Taylor Swift doing country music. That's the thing is, I remember when she was a country star. I remember when she wrote the movie Argyle. And these were irrefutable facts.

Did you not hear the repeated rumor that she wrote the movie Argyle? Why would they blend that on her? What did she do? This was before the movie even came out. The Swifties thought that she had written the upcoming movie Argyle. Do you think the Swifties are playing a joke? Oh, wow. I would love it if the Swifties had a real sense of humor. You're going to call us crazy? Guess what? We're going to start tricking you.

Well, look, guys, we have the power. We have to take a break. Is that all right? Can you stick around, Neptuno? I suppose so. Yeah, we should probably find out more about this war. Yeah, when it's happening. I know. How do you leave distracting me in the war?

Okay, we got to hear about the war, but we do need to take a break. When we come back, we're going to have more with Jason Manzoukas, more original fig. Hopefully, Shimmy won't come in with those dings. We'll also have more Neptune. Okay, thanks, Shimmy. What did you say? August is still shadowing Shimmy. And also, we have Neptuna here to talk about the war between these surface dwellers. What is coming in?

Any minute? Oh, God. Okay, well, hopefully not during these ads here because we all have to listen to those. But we'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this.

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51 years or older. Terms and conditions apply. Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jason Manzoukas is here from the How Did This Get Made podcast. Also, Original Fig. How are you doing? Doing great. Doing great. No, I was talking to a listener. Oh, okay. And what productions do you have coming up? You did Miss Saigon. Do you have something coming up soon with a new stage? Yeah, we're going to do...

you know 12 angry men sure yeah right obviously now you can do it with uh it's not just men but you know because we're past that point in history where only george could only be men what

Yeah, that hasn't really made a lot of sense, right? It seems like a lot of the women would be free to be jurors. Well, they have to take care of the home. Oh, that's right. Yeah, I guess that's the assumption. So are you still doing 12 of them? We're going to do 24. 24? 24 angry people? Because now it's in the future. Smart. Oh, where juries are. Where every jury is twice as large. Yes. Why? Because they...

because tuna is here by the way this is a world where the only political leverage in america is each successive president keeps back in the supreme court oh so then it trickles down to trickle down theory everything gets bigger there's like three four judges for a case oh it's like that what's that tv show where they have three judges at one time the voice i would love it i

I would love it if the voice was just like Judge Joe Brown, Judge Judy. It's like a panel of judges. It's something like bench. Like a tribunal? Bench court or something? That sounds exciting. It's not. But it's still like people have to have receipts. Hot bench! Hot bench! Hot bench! Summer in the city.

Neptuno is here and is here to talk to us about the- Killer whales have been attacking boats. They've been attacking the propellers and other- Oh, is that part of your thing, or- I have been bending the killer whales for the years. Are you single? What do you ask me? What's your favorite pig out food? I'm like, what? What's your guilty pleasure movie? Stop trying to distract me! What's your guilty pleasure Sunday afternoon? The killer whales are attacking speed boats!

Neptuno, we'll get to that. We'll get to that. To be fair, I feel like they've stopped doing that, haven't they? Yeah. Did we stop it or did you stop it? Only through my efforts have they slowed down attacking speedboats. All right. Well, we got to get to this plan, but before we do, we need to bring in our next guest.

She is a social media manager who is here to give us tips about how to use our devices and how to, I guess, sort of like what August Lind did in telling us how to get rid of all these dings. But she's here to help us with all these with tips. Please welcome Francesca Bolognese. Oh my God, every time with a fucking tip. I don't give a tip.

You must have one tip, though. Yeah, my tip is go kill yourself. Wow. Wow. K-Y-S. Scott, are you going to take that tip? I'm going to pass on that tip. No, I have a suggestion for you, Scott. This is how I see you going. This is how I want you to die. Oh, great. All right. Go on. Go on.

You get it chopped up into 100 different pieces. Okay. How does that happen? Does someone do it or I do it myself? It just happens. You go to the deli, we have you put on a slicer. Am I doing like those Jersey Mike commercials that Danny DeVito does where he's like gets too close to the slicer and then... You love Jersey Mike. I love a Jersey Mike. My second favorite JM. Jack McBrayer, number one. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Yeah, once you get sliced up, eat a bunch of really skinny pieces. Really thin slices, like really delicious looking. Oh, like a perfect turkey sandwich is so small. And then I feed you to rats. And then they kill themselves. Oh, okay, wow. So you make a sandwich for the rats. Yeah, it's a beautiful sandwich. Are the slices like stacked up all nice? Oh, it's so nice. Or do you like do that rat? Fold them over? Oh, yeah, no, I do it nice and pretty for Scott though.

Did you just wink? I saw it too. I just wasn't sure who it was for. Or if it was a general wink to the roof. We got to make this a winkless podcast as well as a dingless podcast. Why? I get winked at all the time by you. Jimmy! Can you do anything about winks? Of course I can! You just have to change your settings! Okay. Okay.

Francesca, what's going on? We haven't seen you in a while. I know. I miss you. I miss every moment without you. Oh, my gosh.

What have you been up to? For the listener who doesn't know who Francesca is, Francesca worked at Bed Bath & Beyond. Bed Bath & Beyond, they did it for me. In like customer service. Oh, that's what it was. Well, I did a social media account for them, but I didn't have to run the account. What I did is I responded to comment on the account. I say, for example, I don't know, Instagram, for example. Sure. And then I go in the comment and I say, I went to Bed Bath & Beyond. I bought a refrigerator.

I open the freezer. That's probably in beyond. I have never seen. Maybe I haven't made it down to the basement levels, but I have not seen. I don't think appliances are part of it, but maybe it's covered in beyond. Okay. I went to Bed Bath & Beyond. I bought a car. I bought a Hyundai Sonata. I buy a Kia. I open.

fucking refrigerator and inside I find a bunch of tiny little buns of hair. Buns of hair? Tiny buns. Tiny buns of hair? Top knots cut off of people's heads. Oh. In the freezer. In the freezer? In the freezer.

Neptuno, you don't like to hear about freezers, right? You don't like to think about the water of the earth freezing, right? Oh, well, I mean, up in the poles where it's supposed to be cold, that's fine. But you ever read that Vonnegut book with Ice Nine in it, Cat's Cradle? No. I've read it. God bless you, Mr. Rosewater. Breakfast of champions. Sounds fine.

Welcome to the monkey house. That's it. Do you get those books laminated? How do you read these? Precisely. Oh, yeah. If you drop a book in a tub, that's it for that book. Yeah. But you could do audiobooks, I bet. Yeah, I'd do audiobooks for sure. You should read audiobooks. Why, thank you. I've been told that before. I don't think that's a compliment, but okay. By, like, a seahorse? Yeah.

Nobody find a seahorse. I'm not making fun. They're very sad. Do they speak English? Sure. Okay. Just wondering. All right. Anyway, Francesca, so you would write to these people. Yes. So I respond to comments like that and I say, okay, Braxton from New Jersey.

I'm so sorry you buy a refrigerator with a bunch of top knot in the freezer. You find the hair because you a piece of shit. Why you not take your family of four go drive up a cliff in your Kia's rental? So you would tell these customers that and then they would retract their claim or? No, no. No, they would just feel bad about it. How do you find out what they drive?

I go to their Instagram. I see the picture of the smiling family. Oh, wow. On a vacation in fucking Hurricane Utah. Where? Hurricane Utah? Hurricane Utah. Hurricane? Hurricane. Hurricane. Hurricane Utah. I'm sorry. Near Zion National Park. Could you spell Hurricane? Yes. H-E-R.

Oh, got it. I think we're putting too much of ourselves out there online. It's so easy for you to find out all this information and then use it to weaponize it. That is how a lot of true crime stories start, is the person has too much access to the video. Never post when you're on vacation. So you do like a deep dive on these people if they say, I found hair in something. Yes. I find out where they live or where they work, how much money they make. Then you can do like a targeted roast.

Yes, and I say, I'm so sorry, Daniel, for your job working in marketing. Fucking... Let me think of a marketing place.

Any place, really. Lots of places have marketing. Where could someone do marketing at? A broad spectrum of corporations. Spectrum? Anything. Spectrum. Marketing department of the spectrum. Okay. Okay. Our interest is peaked. Yeah.

Yes. Your mind are blown. My question for you, Francesca, is having now shared time with you multiple occasions, it seems like a lot of Bed Bath & Beyond products are finding, people are finding hair in them. Yes. It's funny you know that. Is there an epidemic of... Now, where's that originating from? You mentioned top knots. Yes, so those appear to be coming straight off of scalps. Yes.

So it's not just like, oh, there's sweepings of hair from a barbershop. This seems like people are... Was it like a massacre of the cast of Bunheads? Amy Sherman Palladino's ballet-themed show starring Sutton Foster? Absolutely. That's right. Yes, well, you know, people think it is Mr. Beyond.

Wait, there's an actual Mr. Beyond? Yes, Mr. Beyond. What? CEO of Mr. Beyond. Or is it Mrs.? Yes, but they die. Oh.

Oh, they died. They died. Mr. Beyond Remains. They choke on hair and they die. Okay. Wow. Okay. So hair again coming. This could be true crime for you. I'm getting excited. The original fig. You might be onto something. I'm getting excited. This could be a spinoff of. Yeah. Have you spun off a true crime podcast? No, we got to do a CBB Presents true crime podcast with the original fig. Hosted by the original fig. I'm going to hold you to that original fig. We just made it happen right here. Okay.

The crimes of Bed Bath & Beyond. You have your first source. Yeah, your first source. Mr. Beyond is behind all this, it sounds like. Mr. Beyond, he hates hair. He hates hair. Really? But he loves it too. Okay. All right. He hates it when it's on the head. Oh. He loves it when it's on the head. He loves it in the products. He loves it when it's stuffed in a pillow or in a fridge. But he likes to be able to see it.

He likes to be able to see it because when it's on your head, you can't look at it at the same time. Exactly. Yeah. You can't even see it when you're on other people. But is it only... Don't know about that. This is weird. Oh, do you guys have hair underwater? Okay. Yeah. And it like flows in the water. It's like, but it looks beautiful. Do you have clothes down there or are you just wearing them here? Oh. Did you like steal them off a clothesline or something? Yeah.

Not off a clothesline. Where? Are you like a shape of water? Oh, no. Okay. You're not like an abyss creature. You're not like a... Are you a splash? Oh, good question. Yes. Or an aerial? I'm a man from Atlantis. I'm not a splash. I'm a manlantian. Well, if you like. But you're not a merman because you have legs. That's correct. Although Splash, she had legs until she got wet. But we've dumped water on you. Nothing changes when I get wet. Right.

Right. Are there merpeople down there? And are they allowed to have sex with the mermen? That is absurd. So you look the same underwater and out of the water. We probably should have asked him about the war. So Francesco, do you, have you met Mr. Beyond? Yes. I am very close with Mr. Beyond. We are. Oh, dang. Holy shit. Dish sister. Hey, guys.

Spill the tea. Is that why you have such a short pixie cut? Yes, he cut off my hair. He shaved my hair off. Okay. It was fine. Not the best sex I ever had in my life. Who was the best sex you've ever had in your life? Just a quick roll in the hair. Oh, God. Who's the best sex in my life? Biden. You had sex with Joe Biden? Which Biden?

Or Hunter Biden. The old one. Not Dr. Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden. Yes, it was Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden. Dr. Jill Biden. Wow. Was it on an Amtrak train? Yes. She went down on me five and a half hours. Five and a half hours. Too long. That's a half hour too long. That's longer than the trip from D.C. to Delaware. That is not a half hour.

I don't know you lose your stamina it might not have been the Asila but here's my question still you haven't answered it are you single what are you looking for in a partner

Wimped feet, wimped hands, gills. So you're superficial. So you're super superficial. Oh, come on, Jason. Are you saying gills on the body or named gill? Gills on the body so they can breathe underwater. Okay, so you're not interested in a dry lander. Absolutely not. What do you call people on, I'm just saying dry landers. Yeah, is there like some sort of a pejorative term for, you know, like muggles, you know?

just a land dwellers. Why is Muggle? Well, I mean, you know, it's, it's kind of looking down. Oh yeah. I see what you're saying. Yeah. Have you seen what she's been up to lately? No, I haven't checked in with her in a while. You forward me a lot of her stuff and say, see, she gets it. I am email chain. And then it's just Hentai. No,

Sometimes I get an email. Please, Francesco, come to my house. I'm having a six course dinner. Every course a piece of shit. Well, I don't eat shit. I don't know how this got started, by the way. What are you talking about? When you first started, I was eating a salad that night. Backstage. Now I see inside your little tray. I don't know why you thought it looked like shit or it smelled like shit. Your face covered in shit.

Get away from my shit. No, I'm eating it. Don't take it in. I don't know. I don't know. You know that's not true. It's okay. So this is where you were working was Bed Bath & Beyond. Have you moved on? I got a new job, yeah. You got a new job. Where are you? I got a new job. Wasn't it making him sick? Yeah. Wow, wow. I believe our friend Rudy North sang that originally. Francesca, what song were you doing? What? What song were you doing? A new job.

Concrete jungle. Oh, New York. New York. I see. And we were all doing I Want a New Drug by Huey Lewis. It's almost like there's an age gap. It's almost like our song doesn't matter to anybody below a certain age. Francesca, what do you know about Dred Zeppelin? Tortell this Charlie Hodge.

Oh, you guys are... Which one is Charlie Hodge? He's the guy who would deliver towels to tortellers. Okay, all right. I worry for you guys. That's his stage name? Charlie Hodge? Yeah. I think it's based on the real assistant or something. The James Brown guy who would come and put the cape on him? No, but based on Elvis's version of that. He would come with towels and water and stuff. I'm sorry. I fall asleep during this conversation. You know, Carl Jha, Jha Paul Joe, all the members. Ed Zeppelin. Oh, God.

So where are you working now, Francesca? Oh, Saturday I wake up. Oh my God, it's so fucking boring for like 10 minutes. Let's see where I work now. Subway! Subway!

Wait, the underground? Eat sheep! So you saw Scott eating so much shit that you were like, I want to work where people are forced to eat sheep. I have a lot of experience. I work with Scott Ackerman sometimes. They say, okay, please get in here. We need you near the sheep. So what do you actually do for Subway? Do you make the sandwich? Are you a sandwich artist? Do you grind up the yoga mats? Yes.

How often do you say that? No, I responded to social media, but everybody complained. I found a yoga mat in my turkey. You know, uh... Inside of my beef. You know, a lot of people... Somebody found a fish inside their beef? Inside of my... A lot of people thought that the tuna wasn't actually tuna. It is not tuna. It's not tuna. I mean, Neptuna. Neptuna, what do you think about that? It's right there in your name. Neptuna. You ain't tuna!

Oh. Don't eat tuna. They're wonderful people. No, they're fish. They're fish, but yeah. And sometimes when it's sushi, we eat them raw. Oh, my God. That's barbaric. At least do them the dignity of cooking, Ted. What?

What can we eat from the sea? Sometimes we take their eggs out and we eat those eggs. Just as a garnish. I honestly never thought about this, but any cannibals out there, if you're going to eat me, don't eat me raw. Please. Put me over a nice open flame. Do me the dignity of roasting. Do something like, give me to Francis Malman, the guy who cooks over fire in Argentina, from that episode of Chef's Table that was just...

This is very specific to you, James. Him throwing meat on a fire. I'm just picturing him throwing big meat on a fire. Like just on a campfire? Yeah, like on a big giant bonfire. No grill or anything? There's some stuff on there, but it's really just crazy. Unfortunately, this is not a Dread Zeppelin. This is not something the whole office can agree on. I'm okay. I'm hoping people get turned on to this because it's nuts. Sorry, I fell asleep again. What are you talking about?

So this is great. I can't believe Dred Zeppelin. Dred Zeppelin gets universal understanding. And Francis Malman is a zero. Well, sure. You got cheese. You got fresh cheese. Rasta Limon. Ja Ja Gabor. That's Ja Ja. Ja Ja Gabor. Thank you. Aw.

Ed Zeppelin. What does Ed Zeppelin do in the band? Was he the bongo drummer? Okay. We have a bongo drummer who comes on the show every once in a while. Oh, Joe Bongo. Joe Bongo, yeah. Good friend. Friend of the pod. Do you like bongo? I mean, obviously the octopus who does the drums down there. That asshole has four sets of bongos and he plays all at once. Right?

Yeah. Yeah. He makes such hot shit. Neptuna, have we gotten to... What do you do for a living? I have a saltwater taffy shop. I would think that would be very normal. I think the unique thing would be to have a fresh water... Did you say taffy or toffee? That's a taffy. Okay. We probably should talk about that more. Francesco. Yeah, but Francesco...

You're at Subway. I'm at Subway. Yeah, I do social media for Subway now. Oh, great. Okay. So not for the actual account. So what do you say? Yeah, what kind of things do people... What tips do you have? Somebody says, I found fish in my beef. Yeah, people say, I find... Bone in my bread. I open my Philly G6 sandwich and I find an entire salmon. An entire salmon? Head and all? Eyes? I say, okay.

Chad, I'm so sorry you get off your workout at fucking LA Fitness and you're so hungry for a sandwich at 11 a.m. because you wake up at fucking 4. That's an okay time to eat a sandwich, 11 a.m. Seriously, I don't know, I'm someone

That feels disgusting to me. Anything pre-noon? I'm not eating real food before noon. If you are eating a Subway before noon, there's something very wrong with this. I worry for you. What if you've been up since 5 a.m.? I can't do it. If I can't eat a sandwich before noon, I feel like a monster. I see Scott in there. He's like, please give me the breakfast. I love the Subway breakfast. With the egg and the cheese. Even though it tastes like cardboard sheet. Please, I'll have to...

Anyway, he's like, I want more. Anyway. Yes, anyway. Reset. So they complain. I say, okay, Chad, you're a lay fitness piece of shit. Why you not take your kettlebell, go shove it so far up your ass, you puke out a pair of dumbbells that they hit you in the head as you fall down a cliff and die. And what good does this do, though? On the way up...

The kettlebell separates into two dumbbells. Yes. I'm so glad you caught that. Oh, yeah. It's a very important detail. What did it... Did the bosses at Subway, are they cool with you doing this? Do they know you're doing it? They have no idea I do it. I make the cookies. It's my day job. Oh, that's your actual job. Oh, so they have...

So these businesses you've worked for, we've never talked about this. They have no idea you're doing this? Oh, no. This is my free time. That's why I'm not. You're doing it from your personal account. You're answering these messages. But they know with me. They know I work for them. By the way, have you started? You must have your own Instagram account where you're actually doing this to Subway and Bed Bath & Beyond. Yes. I go, you know who this is? So people can look you up?

Wow, you're getting really full of yourself. I am? You know who this is. You know who this is. Like, you know what? What are you talking about? I bet you could have seen this coming. It's me. It's me. Francesca Bolognese. You should say, and I, of course, I'm Francesca Bolognese, like Nick Lachey does. Yeah, you should also come in like Christina does on that one commercial where she says, hi, it's Christina again. Again? What? What?

What is that? From Christina LaMussa or whatever her name is. Is she in Dread Zeppelin? I don't know. You know her and Tarek? Tarek's ex-wife?

Who are you talking about? You know, from the show where they would flip or flop. Is this old? She has a commercial on now where she comes in and the first thing she says is, hi, it's Christina again. I thought it was like all my children or something. I thought, yes, I thought the person, it doesn't matter. Flip or flop? Flip or flop? Flip or flop, yeah. No, no. We live in houses. It's three words. No, not flip or flop. No, it's three words. It's three words. Do you know flip or? Flip or was a hit, but then flip or was a flop. The movie. Oh. So then they thought of flip or flop.

with Paul Hogan. You must stop eating fish. You must stop warming the oceans. The war is coming. We'll do all that, but have you ever seen Flip or Flop? We live in houses up here, you know.

What? We live in houses. They're like... Well, fucking congratulations. What do you live in down there? We live in goddamn houses in Atlanta. Okay, sorry. What are they made of? He's such a condescending piece of shit. I'm sorry. Your family, everyone. Why does Spongebob live in a pineapple-shaped house and everybody else's house is shaped like a house? I am so fucking tired of people asking me questions about Spongebob. I don't know what that is.

You know Dread Zeppelin. I know Dread Zeppelin. You don't know Mandela. I know a few variables. All right. Well, look, we need to get to our next guest. Oh, my God. Okay, fine. We can get to someone else, I guess. Yeah. I first got to know this gentleman when he had a job replacing the ice in the urinals at my favorite restaurant, Damian's. Here.

The Domeos. The Domeos, sorry. Yes. What did the pandemic do to your fucking brain? I got mom brain right now. Yeah, the long COVID for sure. The longest COVID. Billy Joel. I'm sorry, it's called Daddy-omeos? The Domeos. The Domeos. It went out of business because their takeout sucked. 2020 was hard for a lot of people. Let's take back to it.

What's that? Dida-dudios? No, dadomios. Dadomios. Is there something? Am I mandelling my own mouth? Is it deodorios? Now, I'm starting to get the impression that you guys are fucking with me. Oh, no. We're sorry to do that. But let me welcome you to the show. Please welcome Randy Snuts. Oh, nice. Finally, a welcome. Hi, Randy. Just seven minutes of shitting on my head.

Just kidding. Thanks for the welcome. I'm hungover right now. What's going on? Why are you hungover? From Twisted Fest. Oh, you guys had Twisted Fest recently. I don't know when this episode claims to have been recorded, but... I'm confused about that, too. The canon for me is that it's being recorded on 420, and I'm very upset that you invited me here. I beg your pardon, Randy. I didn't mean to invite you on a day that was so precious to you. Yeah, because this is the people's Christmas.

Jesus rolled out of the tomb, took like 17 days, and then hooked back up with the apostles and lit the fattest spliffs. I did not read that part of the Bible. I mean, original fig here is a Bible enthusiast. Yeah. A bibliophile? Hey, yeah, I never made that connection before. Yeah. But I guess I'm a bibliophile. The original book. It means the book. Yeah.

Anyway, he loves the Bible. Hell yes. We're rocking and rolling. Momentum is picking up. We're making connections. It didn't stop short the minute you started talking. As a true crime aficionado, I feel like Jesus' trial was a kangaroo court.

I feel like the charges were trumped up. Get him a new trial. And I think they executed an innocent man. That's what I've been saying. He didn't even have time to appeal. No. There was no appeal process. I don't think he even had legal representation. Absolutely not. He rode a donkey into town for Passover. Put him on the fucking cross! So you know Jesus. I know Jesus. Wait.

And you know, above, did Jesus go to Atlantis? Did Jesus go underwater? He walked on the water, right, though, Jesus? Was he too good for it? Oh, yeah. If he walks on the water, does that mean you like him or you hate him? I don't like him at all. Like, come on in, man. See, we don't like him on wet day because he refused to get wet. That's right. I don't like him either.

You're on record not liking Jesus. I'm not a fan. I think it was intentionally provocative to ride that donkey in the ground. He was asking for it, is what you say? I have a question. And also, look what he was wearing. Us humans, when we die, we assume we're going to travel up to heaven in the clouds. Do you think you're going to travel up?

As well to the clouds or just up to the earth? Well, we have a habit that is just below the waterline. Oh, wow. In the ocean. But couldn't you just swim up there? I mean, you already made it up to here.

So you had to go through heaven to come to this podcast recording? Well, yeah, but it's like when you go in a hot air balloon. You pass through the clouds. That's a good point. All right. Well, we'll get to the war in a second. But yes, hi, Randy. Oh, no, I'm too hungover for you to direct questions. Randy, who played Twisted Fest? I'm so curious. Twisted Fest was sick. The live stream is probably not still available because this is a different date.

don't get hung up on the dates I'm so frustrated and hung up I'm too hung over to not get hung up on stupid stuff yeah so you had a great night though yeah absolutely we pre-gamed at McCoskey's then we went to Twisted Fest we partied with the witch she cursed me and then when she uncursed me it was like fuck it we're gonna party like it's I don't know a couple years ago wow

Pretty dynamic. Yeah. We're partying like it's February 2020. We did it, Joe. We did it, Joe. We did it, Joe. Do you remember what a great month that was? Absolutely. I saw The Invisible Man that month. You did? At the Dome.

The old show from the 70s? No, the, what's the name from Mad Men? The Elizabeth Moss. Was there a TV show, The Invisible Man? I don't know. I got Mandela'd again. You know what I saw on the sphere? The Invisible Mandela'd. I saw the one I love with Elizabeth Moss at the sphere. Whoa. Elizabeth Moss, Mark Duplass. You saw this at the sphere in Vegas? At the Vegas Vegas?

One night only. There was a mistake. We're playing the one I love. 2015's hot mumblecore classic. Starring not one, but two Elizabeth Mosses. Not one, but two Mark Duplass. Duplass High. Duplass High. The Duplass High. Yes. Were you a Degrassi fan? With my friend Aubrey? I got Degrassi High a few times. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah.

You know I did. I tuned in for a second thinking it was some kind of weed show. Oh, yeah. And then you were like, wait, Spike's pregnant? I don't understand what's going on. I need to smoke. How'd she get that extra large Smith shirt to wrap around her belly? Never mind. Go back to the Drens up when we're off. Hey, Jason and I are on the same page. We're good. We're good. Yeah, I guess I don't watch as much children's television as you do. Get on board, my guy.

- I'd love to introduce you to Bluey. - Bluey is a very good show, very emotionally intelligent. - Bluey's fantastic. I put Bluey on the iPad for Carissa anytime she's acting up. - Oh really? - Yeah, I give her CBD treats and I just put Bluey on. Nine minutes at a time, it lulls her. - Carissa's not gonna show up here, is she? - I hope not. - You know he's based on a real dog. - Who, Carissa? - Are you fucking kidding me right now, Randy? - Who's this? - Oh no! - No, I'm too hung over for this. - I asked that she not be here.

Oh my God. Sorry, everyone. This is Carissa. Do you have a last name? Varakis. Carissa Varakis. Are you Greek? I'm Albanian. Are you from Dune? No.

Are you B.A. Barakas' sister? No, but I have hooked up with guys that look like that with the bald heads. You know what I'm talking about? Where they're all smiling. They look like toothless babies. What's the name of that family? The Harkonnens? Harkonnens. Yeah. I've hooked up with them. Cool. You've hooked up with House Harkonnen? Yeah. Harkonnen YouTube.

God, this is so awkward to be around my current boyfriend and all of my exes. I don't think you're hooked up. By the way, this is Francesca Bolognese. Hi, how are you doing? You are so beautiful. Wow. Oh, my God. No, you're so hot. It's crazy. Is that what girls say to each other when they meet? Are your tits real? Yes, my tits are real. Are your tits real? My tits are fake.

Oh, my God. They're moving away from the microphone and kissing. Anyway, guys, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. I'm so hungover. Okay, cool. All of my land dweller exes drowned. Oh, no. Wait, so you have been with land dweller. Oh, yeah. Oh, wow. So you would like pull them into the water and think that it would work and then they would drown. Yeah.

Yeah. A lot of the time, they want to come into the water with me. So it's sort of like a splash thing where, I know we keep referencing splash, but Tom Hanks, that guy who dresses up like Mr. Rogers? Oh, from Asteroid City? Yeah. So it's interesting what you've seen and what you haven't seen.

Daryl Hannah promises him that he can become a merman. He gets lured down there, and that's the big happy ending of it. Would you tell your land dweller? Well, I did that a couple times when I started feeling bad. Wait, okay, hang on a second. What? I'm starting to think that you might be the beginning of the war. Yeah.

You might be slowly killing land dwellers by seducing them into the water, drowning them. Oh, no. You have murdered multiple land dwellers. This might be... Multiple, I three. That's a multiple of three. I know, I know. But nowadays, I say, please, don't come to the sea with me. You will drown. And sometimes they listen, and sometimes they don't. Randy, did you ever swim?

Yeah, absolutely. I know how to doggy paddle. I mean, that's not really swimming. It'll get you out of a jam. You need to know more strokes than that. Tell me what's your favorite stroke. Back. Back, front, back, front. I like butterfly. Butterfly? Yeah. So you got big shoulders. I do. Take off that itchy jacket and show us your shoulders. Here we go.

Cheers. Man. That's got to be from both swimming and I'm assuming from lifting pegs. With all those cases. All those cases of beer. I swim 90 minutes every day. 90 every day? 90 minutes every day. YMCA or where are you at? Anywhere I can. Anywhere you are. Other people's pools? OPB? OPB. You ever see that movie? Did you ever see that movie The Swimmer?

Burt Lancaster? He swims through everybody's backyard to go home. We've got to do a Scott Hasn't Seen about that. Sure. I would love to. Sure.

I swim 16 hours a day. I'm not impressed. But that's where you live. Why do you have such skinny arms? Why are you so cocky about it, though? You're such an asshole about it. You live underwater. I just can't see somebody bragging about swimming for 90 minutes. What's that? I got to say, Neptuno, for a guy, you know, I would think you would have swimmer's bod or something, but you're kind of paunchy around the middle. Sorry.

I don't, you know, mention everyone's bodies here. By the way, be careful. This could turn around bad on you. Scotty's fat shaming again. I'm just saying. I'm surprised. This is a real swimmer's bag. I assumed it was just because the Smith shirt was too big. Oh, yeah. So where I get my clothes when I come up on the end is I steal them out of the bags of people who have fallen asleep on the beach. Oh.

Beach sleepers? That's right. Randy, favorite hangover food? It's gotta be a burger. From? Or any burger? Preferably homemade, a smash burger. You smash your own burger? You're smashing at home? Yeah, with my hand on the griddle. Okay, so you don't have a weighted... Can I see your hand? Oh my God, that thing is just like... Only one hand is like so tough. Oh yeah, and the other one's filled with boils. Oh my God.

Carissa, do you like that? I mean, being touched by those two and? I love it. Yeah. But I do miss you, if that's what you mean, Scott. Oh, no. We never hooked up. Here's what's interesting, though, is, and I don't want to, you know, whatever, but I know that Carissa and Randy have a history, but Francesca's giving Randy crazy energy.

She's flirtatious. Fuck me eyes all the way. Yeah, why are you doing that? It's super crazy. You ever think of cutting your hair?

Wait, you want to cut hair too? What a weird pickup line, but it's working. I'm into this. Yeah, I mean, I've thought about it every once in a while. You ever think about putting the hair somewhere else? Sure, yeah. I wouldn't want to. Give me a pair of scissors. I cut off your hair. She's sitting in my lap. It's hard to say no. I mean, you've got to get a haircut at least once every six weeks. Just let it snip a little. By the way, you know I'm very small. You know I'm only one foot tall. What?

wow, this is really doing it for me. Short girl. I cannot climb inside of your butt. You can climate city my butt? You can asteroid city his butt? Asteroid city my butt. I cannot climb inside of your butt. Make a little house.

Neptune, would that be a nice house? That sort of sounds like the beginning of a song. Like a weed song, right? Why are you asking me if that would be a nice house? You're the expert on houses. I don't know anything about a house inside a human ass. What would it look like a pineapple? If you want to, there's a war coming. We don't have time for the war. Wait, I got a good one. Move that bass. Ha ha ha.

Guys. Neptuna, do you party? Like, is there alcohol underwater? Oh, yeah, man. I need a little hair of the dog that bit me. And trust me, the dog got very close and it bit me many times last night. I have a case of wine that sank on a Spanish chipper. Sounds great, actually. I don't know. So you drink human alcohol. There isn't like saltwater alcohol? No.

Yeah, sure. But human alcohol is better. So everything's crunked there. You can get drunk there under the sea? Big time. Well, guys, we do need to take a break. I just want to say, Dread Zeppelin has 16 studio albums and five live albums. What? I know.

That is the most shocking thing that's been revealed on this episode. We gotta get him on the show. We gotta get him. Flabbergasted. That is truly shocking. Well, look, we have to take a break, but when we come back, you guys are sticking around, right? Yeah, we have a few more. Maybe Neptune. Yeah. Okay, we'll see. We'll see. But don't go before you tell us about the war.

Okay, well, we've got to take a break before you do. When we come back, we'll have more from Original Fig, more Jason Manzoukas, more Neptuna, more Randy, more Francesca, and of course, more Carissa. We'll be right back with more Comedy Bang Bang after this. For 25 years, Mike's has been making lemonade the hard way. Mike's Hard Lemonade. Hard days deserve a hard lemonade.

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Comedy Bang Bang, we're back. Jason Manzoukas is here of the Maine Manzoukas. Is that where? Massachusetts. Massachusetts Manzoukas is. Very hard to say. We also have Original Fig is here and he's eating bar snacks that he must have brought from Gethsemane Liquor and Scratcher. You know, I have exclusively off-brand snacks. That's right. Yeah. What brand are these?

These are... Take your time. These are dragons. Dragons. They're like Funyuns, but... But they're a dragon? Dragon themed? No, more like it's a drag. Oh, oh. Instead of being fun. Got it. Oh.

jason just got it jesus christ here's my question uh uh turn around by the way and close that door if you would while you're talking what's that never mind go ahead i will in a second keep the bathroom door open please i love the smell that's what scott's thinking right now no it's just for the echo because your voice is very echo oh i'll wait then because it's about to be closed okay here we go and action where'd you get those dragons

Oh, these are from the store. Oh, okay. Got it. Great question. I brought it from Worth the Wait. I brought it from Gethsemane Liquor and Scratcher. Oh, well, here's the question I'm going to ask. We have top shelf liquor and off-brand snacks. Have you ever had somebody win big on a scratcher at the store? Have you ever had a big winner? We have had one huge winner. How big? How big?

I thought you were going to say $510. $5 is actually not, I mean, that's the biggest one you've ever had? Well, because most of the prizes are more scratchers. Sure. Yeah. So you've given away a lot of those. Yeah. But I mean, sometimes you can win $500 and stuff on that. Oh, that sounds nice. It does. And speaking of sounding nice, we have Francesca Bolognese over here. You like my voice? Yeah.

We also have Randy Snuts is here. What's going on? We did it again. We still did it to Joe. We did it, Joe. We also have Carissa is here. Hi, Scott. Hey, good to see you. So good to see you. And Neptuna, by the way, is here because... Why? I guess trying to warn us about something that's happening. Can you please reopen the bathroom door and give me the access to the faucet? Okay, yeah. No problem.

I need to stay wet. Neptune, is it possible you could go back home, like, through the toilet? Oh, yeah, I can. There has to be a hole. In the toilet? At the bottom of the toilet, there needs to be a hole. I don't know if that's standard. No, that we, yeah. I think it is. Okay, good.

That's all I mean. And then I can get to the ocean. And that's one of the problems. Your sewage system leads to our habitat. You must stop polluting the ocean. You're probably shitting in your own ocean. Yeah, but that's different. Hey, do you ever see any of those big albino alligators down there? No.

ocean no in the sewer in the sewer he talks to me like i'm the dumb one hey you ever you guys you guys are a good duo i would i would listen to this i would listen to this podcast of the two of you trying to solve underwater true crime yeah you want to guest on my true crime podcast absolutely

The first thing is we're going to investigate the Bed Bath & Beyond mysteries. Mr. Beyond is to blame. Who is this shadowy figure? I introduce you to him. I make a connection, you know? A connection is made. Thanks, Elastica. If Francesca is on the show, you might have to modulate her voice if she wants to be anonymous. Yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah.

Although she doesn't work for Bed Bath & Beyond anymore. No, I don't work for him. She's gone beyond. I never worked for him technically. Oh, you didn't even work there? As a pro bono. Oh, okay. Well, look, we do need to get to our next guest.

Who's that rapping at my door? Excuse me. Hey there, buddy. Hey. Hey. Hey, buddy. It's me. I'm here to fix your Pac-Man machine. Oh. You're here to fix it. I mean, we're in the middle- Yeah, you called for a repair on your Pac-Man machine. Yeah, but we're in the middle of a show right now. You called and said that Pac-Man was fucking Mrs. Pac-Man. Oh. You said that in the call? You left a long message. It was like, Pac-Man's fucking Ms. Pac-Man, pissing on Ms. Pac-Man. Yeah.

Pac-Man's licking Pac-Man's feet. He's licking his own feet. He's licking his own feet. And so I'm assuming you're getting this repaired because you're spending too much time playing Pac-Man. There was a lot of stuff about how you're not getting a lot of work done because you're sitting by the Pac-Man machine jerking off. It was a long, long message. These sound exactly like Scott. I sound like Scott? No, these stories sound exactly like us. Who do you sound like, though? What's your name? Oh, my name is Jeffy McSaturday. McSaturday. That's right.

Okay, no relation to Jeffy McThurden. No, no, that's a different guy. Were you guys expecting him? Well, I was told that's who he'd be appearing earlier. No, no, no, it's me, Jeffy. Hey. Jeffy McSaturday. What's going on in here? Why, there's a lot of people. Oh, yeah, this is, we do a podcast here. Do you know what podcasts are? They're sort of like Pac-Man, but, you know, of the future. Oh, I love podcasts. Oh, you do? Yeah, listen to Doughboys. Oh, okay. The Flager Ones. Podcast The Ride. Yeah. Do they ever drop the act?

Podcast the ride. They never drop the act. Love podcasts. This is comedy bang bang. Comedy bang bang. Yeah. CBB sometimes. 15th anniversary show. 15th anniversary? 15th anniversary. Well, congratulations. I've never heard of comedy bang bang, but congratulations. Have you heard of Conan O'Brien?

Oh, yeah. The Inventor podcast? Yeah, yeah. I heard of him. I heard of him. 15th anniversary. Hey, man, congratulations. Hey, thank you so much. I'm celebrating an anniversary myself. Oh, what's your anniversary? Well, I did get married 36 hours ago. Oh, wow. Wow. You're on your honeymoon, Brian. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm not on my honeymoon yet, but I'm just getting some jobs done before I get out there. I appreciate you coming so quickly.

That's what she said. No fun honeymoon night. All right, I was going to stop because you said something like that on the message you left. I would appreciate if you came very quickly, pun intended. I bet that's what Scott says to himself after he's finished. Do you talk to yourself when you jerk off, Scott? When you're watching your Pac-Man screen? Here we go, Scott. He goes, you can do it, buddy. I believe in you. You know how they say that some people have like a personal internal dialogue? What's yours when you jerk off, Scott?

I don't know what you're talking about. You don't have an internal dialogue? I know what it is. I got a voice memo from Scott one time, an accidental record while he was masturbating. He butt dialed you? He dick dialed you, bro. He was like, here we go again. Ooh. Sounds like the Inspector Gadget theme song. Jerking off again. Ooh. Scott likes to do this. Ooh. Here we go. Oh, no.

Randy, why do I keep inviting you on this show? Hey, you invite me on 420, this is what you're getting. Yeah, I guess so. I got the voicemail from Scott while he was checking off, and he was like,

I'm going to move my, please move that fin around. Oh, yeah, I love the way you move the fin. Fin? Oh, those gears. Oh, yeah, I like the gears. Where do you think they come from? You don't have fins, right? Yeah, look. Oh, hello. That's the nice one, right? Yeah.

What the hell did I walk into? A lot of colorful characters in here. Oh, yeah. I'm just an adorable guy. You're a normal guy. So are you going to fix the thing? I'm going to fix the thing. Let me just get in there. Let me get my tools and let me get in there. You brought your tools? I brought my tools. That's right. Here we go. Okay, it's not really working right now. Just give me one second. Have you ascertained what's wrong with it? No, I'm going to get in there and see what's wrong. Let's see. Let's go.

All right. Okay. My tools are very quiet. I mean, you're not fixing this right next to the mic. Hold on. An appropriate volume. Oh, yeah, that's fine. Okay. If only there was an auxiliary tool that could help him out. No, we don't got that kind of thing. But, uh...

Shit. So mostly just ratcheting is what I'm hearing. So just quite a lot of ratcheting. Just getting in there. I'm ratcheting. Hold on. I'm getting pretty close to figuring out what's going on. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. So just a little more ratcheting. Yeah, I think you guys need to hold on. You should just get a drill. And you could just like, you know. You think I should get a drill? Well, these machines are very delicate. Hold on. Oh. There we go. Hold on. Hold on. Mm-hmm.

It's like when the plane lands. Yeah.

It's so interesting. We were all having such an interesting conversation, but someone to come in and do some work, we're all captivated. Yeah, I know. I see what's wrong here. What is wrong? You got a malfunction in here, Scott. Oh, I mean, I told you that. Because that just sounds like a jackhammer. Hold on. Let me see. Hold on. I'm getting close. Let me see what the malfunction is. Okay, yeah. When you say I see what's wrong, it's not...

You have a problem. Classic situation. I see what this is. This is not going to be too hard to fix. Oh, good. Hold on. Hold on. I'll hold on a little bit longer. Oh, that's not good. It's starting to sound like an exotic bird.

That's not good, Scott. What's not good? You've figured out what the problem is? Yeah, Pac-Man's going on strike. Oh, no. So that's why he's getting all his fucking pissing in now? He's basically, look, Pac-Man is going on strike. He's tired of you jerking off onto the machine. Oh, wow. He's the one who started doing it. So just this amount of drilling, you realize that these

The problems with the machine are psychological inside of Pac-Man. It didn't sound like it, but I was communicating with Pac-Man inside the machine. Oh, that's what the drill sounds like. That's what the drill sounds like. It sounded like that to me. You got it. How many languages do you speak? Do you speak Pac-Man? I have so many languages like Colin Farrell and Sugar.

I haven't seen it. In the movie show. That's a new one. He has a new Apple Plus TV show, but I don't have $500. He's a polyglot.

Did it get better after the first 20 minutes? Because that's when I tapped out. I heard it has a terrible twist that ruins the whole series. I didn't notice. How much is Apple Plus underwater? It's free. We tap into the underwater cable. Are you watching all the Apple Plus shows, including the one about them searching for John Wilkes Booth after he shoots? Manhunt. Or the one starring Michael Douglas where he's Benjamin Franklin.

Are you, are you worried? There's too many women on screen. Watch manhunt. Are you a dad who wants to watch the history channel? But what if it came to life? Manhunt. I'm watching all the things you just mentioned. Are you watching the morning show that poses the question? What if Elon Musk were attractive? No. I got a question for you guys. Yeah. Apropos of nothing. You guys ever heard of radio dread? Uh,

Is this a Dread Zeppelin themed radio station? No, it's a reggae radio head cover band. Oh, guys. Neptuna, how long are you here on the service world? They do a real skanky karma police. Who is their lead singer?

It's a jaw York Jaw York You guys have heard of him right Is he an Elvis impersonator though Is he an Elvis impersonator I don't think so I think he sounds more like Barrington Levy And for that reason I'm out I have tickets to see Are any other Sharks still in Sharks Have you heard of that show Shark Tank

I've heard of it. Do you feel like that's some sort of appropriation for them to be calling themselves sharks on dry land? I do, and I also think you land dwellers have invented enough shit.

Okay. Probably should ask about that war. So, Jeffrey. It's Jeffy. Jeffy. There's no R in the name. Why is... No, I got it. Okay. Just wanted to let you know. All right. No, I understand. It was deliberate that the R was left out for my parents. Wait, they left it out? They didn't just call you a different name? Well, legal name is Jeffy. On my birth certificate, it says Jeffrey, and they crossed out the R. They crossed it. Why would they do something like that? Well, they just wanted to make sure people knew what the day was.

So they wrote out Jeffrey, but then crossed out the R. That's right. That's how I have to spell it all by my past. You have a strike through on the R? Yeah, it's pretty complicated. Yeah, I got to do a lot of control shift X on a lot of my documents. Why is Pac-Man on strike? Oh, that thing. So Pac-Man is on strike. Let's pick this back up. One, because Scott is doing a lot of jerking off. And two, Pac-Man, he is accusing the ghosts of.

of being inky, inky, blinky, stinky. And Clyde. He is saying that they are racist.

They're racist against what? Black people. As far as I remember, there aren't black people in Pac-Man. No, no, no. Oh, that's why it's so racist. That's why it's so racist. Apparently, their hoods have been, I guess, softened off. They're supposed to be a lot pointier in the game. Oh, they're clan members. Yeah, they are clan members in Pac-Man. Pac-Man is just a... Wait, so they are racist? They are racist, and Pac-Man is very upset that you seem to sympathize with the ghosts for some reason.

Like you go around not eating the ghost. You decide to leave the ghost and let them live and instead just jerk off onto them. What's going on with that, Scott? Actually, I wasn't on board for this, but now I am. What's up with that? What is up with you, Scott? Why are you jerking off to the racist ghosts? Ghosts in background?

This question cannot be ignored. There's just something. It's something going on. It's finally time to address this. 15 years. We've been waiting 15 years. Why are you jerking off to the racist ghost, Scott? That's explained so much. I just want to say, I think that's really hot. Oh, thank you, Carissa.

You think that that's hot? Yeah, I think that's like super hot. Randy, what do you think about this from Carissa? I mean, it makes sense because that one voice memo that I got from you where you were like, hmm, what's David Duke up to? Better check on him while I masturbate. And Carissa was like, this is hot. I'm like, you're not supposed to hear this. I'm not supposed to hear this. I don't want these dick dials. Scott, I think the only way that I can fix this Pac-Man machine is if you go on the record and denounce racism, Scott. Uh.

I'll do it on record. Yeah, I'll do it on mic. I'll do it on record. Racism. Put your hand on this Bible. Okay. What kind of Bible is this? King James. Okay. But is this one of the new Trump Bibles? Oh, no, no, no. It has the lyrics. This one's signed by Trump, but it's not one of his. Make sure it's not a copy of Moby Dick. Okay. Hold on. Hold on. Let me look in here. Nope. Nothing about Ishmael or anything like that? Nope. Nothing like that. So put your head on it. Okay. All right. Here we go. I need you to denounce the racist ghosts in the Pac-Man tabletop game.

I? Oh, I thought you were repeating after me. No, I just say this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I, Scott Aukerman. Gotta use the middle name. Scott David Aukerman. Wow, so embarrassing, David. What's embarrassing about David? Most embarrassing middle name. Your last name sounds like a beat sauce to me, honestly.

Do you have a middle name, Francesca? It's not that common in Italy, but I'm curious. Yes, I do. What is your middle name? It is Francesca.

Calamari. Calamari. Okay. After St. Calamari? Calamari linguine gnocchi. You must stop eating calamari. What about the one octopus, though, who bangs on the drums? Would you mind if we could eat him? I don't think he deserves to be eaten. I would just like him to retire from music. He must be so tender from banging on those drums all that time. Just the opposite. His tentacles are pure muscle.

Oh no, Scott is hard. He's rock hard. I, Scott Aukerman, Scott David Aukerman, renounced the race. Oh, I can't do it. I love him too much. I know you don't love their racism. You just love their plucky demeanor. Yes, exactly.

All right. They're just hate the racism. Love the ghost. You could just separate the racism from the spooky. Yeah, exactly. Are the ghosts in Pac-Man. Are they like defending the dots from Pac-Man? Are they there to. They're just there to get him. I think I don't think they don't care about the dot. They don't care about the dot. They're not protecting anything. They're just threats. They don't care about anything. These are wanted. Just straight up capitalist racist motherfucker.

They are. Yes, they are pro-capitalism. That's what the game has always been about, right? I mean, come on. You guys are looking at me like I'm crazy. That's what the game has always been about. Well, if Jeffy McSaturday and not McThursday...

What? Did you write down McThursday or something? We both wrote Jeffy McThursday for some reason. Maybe you used to be called that? No, my dad is Jeffy McThursday. He was, of course, born on a Thursday. My name is Jeffy McSaturday. When were you born? On a Saturday night. Oh, Saturday night. That's right. Okay. You come from a culture where...

what seems like the last name is actually the first name. That's right. But Mick, Mick has to be a part of it. Mick is part of all of it. That's right. Very interesting guy. Can you stick around? You're so interesting. Oh, absolutely. Thank you so much. I absolutely can. Okay, great. This, the beginning of, I believe, many, many appearances. I heard,

that you were handing out CBB specials before I walked in. Oh, I don't know. There's already an action figure for Jeffy McThursday? Because I feel like there's a lot to talk about. I feel like I could go into classic arcade cabinets and sort of maybe talk to some of the fun characters that live inside them. Such as? I don't know. Oh, you know, Gallagher.

The comic Gallagher? No, no, no, Gallagher. Gallagher. No, no, no, it's Gallagher. So this is a game where they put, so first of all, it's like- Gallagher in the Mandela Effect used to be called Gallagher. No, no, no, this is Gallagher. It is a Fruit Ninja-esque game where you basically are smashing watermelons with a big hammer and stuff, and you gotta tell a joke, and then you can smash a watermelon. Okay, maybe. Who's your manager?

My manager's? Oh, Spray the Whisperer. I know him really well. I'll contact him. You know him? Yeah, yeah. I'll contact him. We'll see what we can work out. All right, he's waiting in the car. Do you have a manager? No, I am a manager of sorts. Well, yeah, you manage. I manage a lot of the performers at the liquor stores. Oh, you do? Really? How much commission do you take on that? 1%. That's generous. 1%. I'm a patron of the arts. Anybody come out of that scene that you're really proud of or you want to turn people on to? Bernadette Peters. Great. Love her.

Shit, 100% of Bernadette Peters. That's good. What about that guy who created the Jeremy Renner app? Oh. He's fallen on hard times. Oh, has he really? Yeah. What's going on with him? He got chewed up by his ham bony. He's okay now, though. He's fine now. Yeah, yeah. He's back to making that mayor show that no one watches.

Jeremy Renner? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm talking about the guy who made the app. Oh, I thought Jeremy Renner made his own app. He's an app developer? No, I don't think he knows how to code, dear. Learn to code, dear.

Wait, so he got chewed up by a Zamboni, the guy who made the app for him? That's... I mean, that's... This sounds like a... Get off the ice. I'm very clear. You go ice skating a lot? Neptune, you go ice skating a lot? From time to time. I will ice skate. He wouldn't normally be on the ice, but he was trying to save a baby bird. Oh, wow. That got in the rink? Sounds like a true crime. Yeah, baby bird got in the rink. The fact that Jeremy Renner and the guy who made his own app were chewed up by, you know, large vehicles. Hmm.

This is interesting. Sounds like something you and Neptune could investigate. Could be a true crime story. It also sounds like a fun game you could maybe program into a classic arcade cabinet. Okay, I don't know about that. I'll talk to Sprague about this, but we do need to get to our next guest. Uh,

She, or he, I'm not quite sure, but has been on the show before. Please welcome back to the show, Quiet the Mime. Bonjour, c'est la grande mime, ça va? Hey, Quiet. They call me Quiet the Mime because I am Quiet the Mime. How are you doing today? Doing really good. Really good to see you, Quiet. Great to meet you, Quiet. Oh, how are you doing? This is Jason Manzoukas. A pleasure. I don't think we've ever met before. No, I watch Percy Jackson. Oh, yeah.

I need to get me if I want Percy Jackson. Thank you so much. I mean, even Neptuno, you must know about Percy Jackson. Of course. I'm the Olympians big fan. Oh, wait. I know the Olympians. Are they friends with Percy Jackson? Yeah, they are. Yeah. Oh, that's great. Yeah. And you are Niffy Pippier, right? Oui. Oui. Okay. Wow. We last talked to you, Quiet, with, I believe, our friend Edgar Wright. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Or what did you call him? Edgar. Correct. Edgar Wright. Yes.

But you are a mime. I'm a very good mime. You're a very good mime. And you came on the show to perform your act. And how'd that go? Did you get a big push from it? They had me headline JFL this year. Oh, just for laughs? Wait a second. That's not why it...

closed down, is it? Well, I was emailing them and I said, will you give me a few dollars to come out here? And they said, okay. And so they gave me $800,000. Oh, no. Was this a decimal error? They accidentally gave you $800,000? No, I asked for $800,000. Oh, you asked for it. I love that. You know your value. Had I known the whole festival would have gone over, maybe I would have handled it in a different way. Yeah.

So what did you do with the 800 grand? Oh, you know, a little bit of this diversify, how do you say it, investments? Sure. A bunch of financial stuff we don't need to know, but that's not great. Well, I can tell you. Oh, okay. If you want to know. Yeah, sure. So I sort of put half of it in some, we don't need to talk about it. Oh, okay. I think that's best. Yeah.

You have a financial manager that hands you all this stuff. It really looked like we were going to go deep into it and then panic set in. Yeah, like I took out my notes thinking this is going to be good for me to get some financial advice. I would love to know. I just need a little financial guidance, but then I got nothing. You look so tired. I say, okay, let's move on.

Oh, it's on us. It's definitely on us. I'm tired. So, Quiet, what are you up to? I mean, you headlined JFL. Well, no, the plan was to debut my new act. Oh, okay. You have a new act. You got a new act. What is that? Don't worry. He's got a new act. New act. Concrete jugular thing.

I love the shot of the I want a new drug video that's from the perspective of a sink underwater. Yes. What? Never mind. Your accent is so sick, it's so hard to understand. So without the festival, where will you be? Premiering. Yes. Now, where will you be performing or premiering the new act? What's it called? Oklahoma. Oklahoma.

Is that the name of the show? Sexy Oklahoma. Sexy Oklahoma? That's where you're doing the show, or that is what the show is called? That is what the show is. Oh, wow. So you know how on Broadway there was a show that was Sexy Oklahoma? I saw it and I said, wow, that is pretty fun. I think I want to do that, and so I bought the rights. You bought the rights to this other show that had nothing to do with yours called Sexy Oklahoma? What do you mean it had nothing to do with mine? I don't know. Okay, well...

What are we talking about? We're talking about my show. So that's what I was going to debut at JFL. Oh, okay. So Sexy Oklahoma, that was a musical, right? Why? Okay, so how do you incorporate that into your mime act? Or you just bought the name? No, so here's how it works, right? This isn't going to be another financial advice thing where you just give up halfway through, is it? No. Okay. Tell us. So here's how it works, right? Miming is just visual, right? So I started off by sort of pioneering a new kind of miming. We'll talk about what I'm doing.

what I'm doing because then people know, then more people can participate, right? If I'm doing this, it's like, oh, what are you doing? It's like, oh, I'm feeling the wall now and then everybody can participate. And then I added a new layer to it, which is I get an actual wall and I feel the wall. I call that Fergie mime.

4D mind, four dimensional mind. And then more people said, this is really fun. If only there was another layer to it. And so I say, okay, I'll do a musical, I suppose. Okay. I'll memorize words, maybe. And then I'll take that on the road. Quiet. I'm sorry. Can I ask a question? Why? What's the fourth D? Huh? In the 4D mind, what's the fourth D? Huh? Is movement, right? Yeah. That's the first dimension is movement.

- Okay. - We have sound. - Sound. - Okay, movement sound. - The dimension of sound. - We have physical things, items. - Sure, okay. - We have the third and most important dimension. - Personal finance. - Financial stability. - Oh, wow.

So that's sort of the part of the show where I say, how much do you think this costs? And then people sort of shout out numbers. Oh, there's like a guessing board? It's like Price is Right. Do people get to run on stage with a little name tag? How did you know? Whoever gets the closest gets a small portion of the $800,000. But without going over. If they go under, then they have to go back to their seat. They're so embarrassed. Oh, my. Wow. Wow.

Well, this sounds great. I mean, where can people see this? Two days a week. Two days a week? In Alameda. Must be nice. Oh, wait. I guess I only do this one day a week. I was going to say. I'm curious. How sexy is sexy Oklahoma? Okay, so you know the songs. I play guitar, and I sing them sort of like this. Oh, what a beautiful moment.

Whoa. Oh, my God. I'm soaking wet. Okay. Clean up. So are you, Neptune. What happened? Okay, great. Pac-Man's going crazy in here.

As you can see, my hair is a little longer now, so I switched that back in farce. Okay, sure. So that's sort of the big part of it. So it's half musical, half Price is Right. All mime. All mime. All 4D mime. Mime is a wish your heart makes, is a big thing that I always say. Yeah. How's that go over? Huh? Huh?

How does that go over being a mime and also singing? I think it goes over well. I think people start out confused and then sort of see it and go, okay, this is better than mime, I think. I think most people interact with mime in the park, right? What? I love what's happening in the background. Oh!

Oh, okay. Okay, so... Neptuna has called up the... Has hijacked my television. Neptuna is really good with technology, I gotta say. I'm shocked nobody has thought to do this. Neptuna has hijacked my Apple TV and has brought up the picture of Huey Lewis dunking his...

Face into the, I guess, the sink? The sink in the, I want a new drug video? I'm sorry. Nobody seemed to know what I was talking about. Can I say, you sound so confused when I talk about adding a sort of a visual medium to something that is usually in a different medium, which is what I'm doing. It just happened right now. It's a podcast, correct? And we're showing photos. I think that it's good. Yeah. We got to figure out a way to post that photo during the actual show.

If only August Lent were here. Yes, you're here. Wait, where's Jimmy? Yeah, you got the airplane coat? Oh, there he is. Jimmy. Hey, Jimmy. Got to go? Yep, knew it.

Well, quiet the mind. It sounds great. I mean, I'd love to see that only two. Why only two days a week? Will you tour it? Will you tour it everywhere? Well, it is a wonderful question, but my wife. Oh, you're married. Of course. Oh, okay. How long? Congrats. Thank you. 36 hours. Jeffy. Wait a minute. I was just going to say, Jeffy, also a newlywed. Hey, man, congratulations. Wait a minute. Are you guys married to each other? Wait a minute. Wait. Jeffy?

When you said wife, Donna? Okay.

Well, this is embarrassing. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. For a second, I was like, wait, you do look like Donna, but no, no, no. No, and my wife's name is Jessica. Jessica. Oh, okay, yeah. But did you get married at the exact same time? Where did you get married? Oh, I got married at the Huntington Garden bathroom. Okay. Bathroom? Okay, I had a very different wedding. Oh, you had a different wedding? I got married at the Descanto Garden. Oh, it was beautiful. Toilets were flushing as I was saying my vows. Do you like that?

Oh yeah, I love when toilets flush. Okay, so for us it was when the sink was going to wash my hands. That sounds beautiful. Yeah, there was no water coming out. People sort of just did this. They just mimed it. Yeah. Can I ask you a question, Quiet? Sure. What do other mimes think about you? Because I feel like you're pioneering the game in a way that might piss people off. Yeah, you're sort of like Penn and Teller when they would give away the secrets to tricks. People were

at first I think unhappy and I think it was because of the money I was making and so sort of for me about $800,000 is that the only money you've ever made from any performance well here's the thing you do it for the love of the art until all of a sudden the art doesn't pay the bills you got a wife and she's going hey I'd like to go to Tahiti dodge the financial question again I want to go to Tahiti Randy take me to

fucking Tahiti. Absolutely not. I'm not leaving the country with you. You cannot be trusted. Quiet. You speak French, right? Yeah, of course. You know that Randy actually is fluent in French because he got hit in the head with a French bug. Yeah, in high school. I woke up in Japar-le-Cour-A-Mont.

Comment dit-on? Deux panniers pour cinq, Randy. Moi, je suis en vacances. Je lis Françoise Sagan. D'accord. Don't you also sing in French, too, sometimes? Bien sûr. All I've heard, I'm a lord. Vous asseyez à ma table. Il fait si froid, alors. Ici, c'est confortable.

You guys are like Colin Farrell and sugar. Gotta watch this. No spoilers. Sorry. Well, quiet. This all sounds wonderful. Thank you. I root for your success. Do you? I'm excited to see this show. Yeah. Buy six tickets. Okay. Yeah. I'll buy six tickets. How much are tickets? $300. And here's the thing that I do with that money as soon as it comes in. I take 20% and I put it...

Who has his own list today? Okay.

That sounds good to me. I mean, I'll buy six tickets. I'll buy six tickets. Absolutely. I'll go with you, Scott. What's that? I bid 10 tickets. I want... You're bidding 10 tickets? I thought that's what we were doing. Wait, is it? This is not the Price is Right. Okay. One ticket. I will do 20 tickets for 10% of all profits. Okay. I'm listening. I want a royalty. For every ticket I buy, I want $1 back, and I'll give you 5% of what's in my wallet. Okay. I'm out. You're out. I'm out. I'm out.

Quiet, if you'd like to come to Third Street, do your show at Gethsemane Looker and Scratcher. I'd be honored to have you. What kind of lighting setup do you have? We have overhead fluorescent lighting. We can also record the show via security camera. So no sound. Sounds pretty good.

No, no sound. I was in and then I was out. Unfortunately, I think for my miming, the sound is the most important part. I'm in. I want six tickets, and all I ask are MP3s of the sexy versions of those Oklahoma songs. Of course I can do that for you. Like, what's the sexy version of Judd's song at the end? Yeah. Poor Judd is dead. Poor Judd Fry is dead. So we sort of word for word copied the new Broadway cast recording, so if you listen to that, that is exactly...

Oh, yes. I'm fired up. Oh, so we don't have to hear you sing it. We could just go. Well, it's important. I feel like you lose something in the mind of it all by not watching me do it. So we could probably just have them in post to just drop the song in from the original cast recording right here, right now. Sure. Yeah. Here we go. Don't do that. And press play.

Oh, right. Oh, what a beautiful morning. We do it last five years style when we do the first song. Last. Oh, what a beautiful day. I've got a beautiful feeling.

Everything's going my way. Tell me more. Tell me more. I love that addition. Would you like to come be in the show? I've never performed before. I'd love to do it. You're a little busy doing my podcast. That's right. I'm sorry. I'm slammed right now. Quiet. Okay. How would Oklahoma sound en Francais?

I could tell you a little bit like this. I can't say no. I don't like to say the word no. When there's a man who says hello, I try to make him calm.

That's beautiful. It was really filthy, actually. It got a little too sexy at the end. Annie makes this guy cum. It ends with cum. It's the same word. It's a cognate. Are you familiar? Like table table? A cognate? Get your mind out of the gutter. Just kidding. Get it back in there. The gutters. You're talking about the cum gutters. I don't know.

We weren't talking about anything like that. You must stop with the cum gutters dumping your cum into the ocean. Oh, no. Cum gutters are just six-pack abs. Oh, I thought it was a gutter that leaks cum into the ocean. No, no. We're not doing that. All right. Thank you. If people come into the ocean, though, does that impregnate people in your world? Great question. Oh. How do you think I was born? I don't know. Tell us. Part man, part fish.

Figure it out, you guys! So someone was having sex in the ocean. Right. And then suddenly it spilled into a fish and that's how you were born? That's exactly right. So not somebody having sex with a fish. Oh, that's the sad thing. No, just jerking off into the ocean. That's all it took. And my mother swam along at the wrong moment.

Or the right moment. Or the right moment. Maybe she was looking for it. No, it's terrible to be me! Are you the only one of your kind? Oh, there's so many of them! Do people ever tell you you sound like this guy Davros? Never. No. Who's that? From Doctor Who. Go ahead. That's not what I'm saying. No. Davros is not a Dread Zeppelin style. A common reference. If it's okay.

What? Kiss your nip tonight? Quiet has a question for Neptune. Oh, for Neptune. So I was a little curious. Is there a special school down there for like have fish, have people? Like School of Fish? The band? Three Strange Days? Yes, there are schools of fish and there are schools of fish. So the School of Fish will go to a fish school.

And then they'll come home by way of the school. Is everything down there like a fish pond and everything? Like we think it is? Like in the movie Shark Tale? I have not seen it. Great script. They would pay with clams.

Oh, yeah. Well, our currency is seashells. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I put about half my money in... We don't have to talk about it. Oh, okay. So let's send a letter. We're edging on financial advice. Yeah, boy, this is not a financial advice podcast. This is... We keep getting so close to being planet money. I'm so close. Yeah.

Well, look, guys, we got to get to our next guest. Yes, it's David Brancascio. It's wonderful to have you. It's Guy Rizdahl from Marketplace. Marcus Limonis over there. Oh, the prophet? Yeah, he's here. It's very special. It's a 15th anniversary show, and it's very special to me to be doing something this long. So I wanted to invite someone who is very special to me. Please welcome my Nana. Hello, Scott. Happy birthday.

Hi, Nana. You're finally 15. I didn't think you'd make it. Ah, Nana. The show is 15. I'm a little bit older than you. Happy birthday, Scott. It's not my birthday. That's a little late. Happy birthday, Scott. Thank you very much. Wonderful to have you now. Now that you're finally 15, I can tell you a few things, boy.

Oh, gee. Okay. What do you want to tell me? Hopefully I don't know any of it. Well, your mother made me promise I wouldn't tell you until you turn 15. Oh, okay. Happy birthday. Sure. All right. But yeah, tell me. What do you have? Okay. Well, have you ever wondered why your crotch hurts all the time? Oh, that's

I guess. Yeah, sure. Something, well, it's Nana's secret. You were in a moto-scootoo accident. A moto-scootoo accident? A moto-scootoo? A moto-scootoo? I said what I said.

Bitch. Oh, bitch. Nana's very salty when she gets like this. He was in a moto-scootoo accident when he was just a baby. And all of you at his birthday party with the gall to laugh at him. He walks around with a throbbing ache in between his legs from the moto-scootoo. That's...

That's, by the way, why we named you Moto Scutu. I think my name's Scott, actually. Did you shorten it? Happy birthday, Scott. Happy birthday. They changed it at Ellis Island. Oh, okay. We changed it after the Scutu accident because we didn't want you to be reminded of it every day. What kind of accident was it? I was riding the Moto... You were just a baby, Scutu. Ha ha ha!

You went flipping head over handlebars. Your junk got tangled up in the spokes. The handle went up nether nether. The skin burst into high oblivion. Oh, I don't remember any of this. Well, you were just a baby, Scott. You don't remember your penis getting caught in the spokes of a motor scooter? No, I don't. That would be like, I would feel like the first memory you would have. First memory, yeah. I'd be like, core memory formed. Yeah.

I don't remember this, no. Isn't this what put Motoskudu out of business? Yes, exactly. It was a premier Italian company. Like Ferrari? Yes. Motoskudu, the bike of the streets. For babies. The bike of the streets. For babies. What?

So I was driving. Oh, man. Oh, you weren't just driving it. You were making it sing. It sang? That's nice to hear. I hope it was sexy Oklahoma. Nana, can I ask you a question?

Of course. Are you one of Scott's friends? Yeah. I suppose we're friends. I guess there's a power dynamic between us now that I'm your employer. It's true. But your boss could be your friend, I guess. Yeah, that's true. It's rare. Yeah, although I could fire you, so that's always hanging over you. Please don't. Oh, I'm not going to. I'm very happy with your work. I haven't even done a job yet. Nana, where are you from, dear?

I'm from, well, I'm from, I'm a mixed kind of, I guess, what's it, England?

Right, Scott? Yeah, I mean, yeah. You think you have a lovely speaking voice. There's a bit of a lilt to it, you know. Yes, I'm from the greater European continent. You're from the continent? Yeah. Oh, okay, yeah, that big one. That's why. Not the lesser European continent. Of course not.

Was there anything else you wanted to tell me on my 15th birthday? Or was that it? Why did you feel like it was that important to tell him about his painful crotch? We wanted to wait until he was 15 so as not to, you know, bottle up his brain. But now that you know the truth, it's also, you know, time for 15-year-olds going to start having sex soon. Do you know what sex is, Scootoo? I have an okay idea of it. He has no fucking idea what sex is.

Say what you think he did. Come on, be cool. I'll tell you something. He needs help. I think it's when a man in a... Oh, my God. Scott's shorts are getting... Smoke is coming out of Scott's ears. Ticker tape coming out of his mouth. Human beings. There you go.

Pack people, of course. Other animals have sex. It's not just humans. Okay, okay. Scott, I'll help you. It's like if a man had a meatball and a woman was spaghetti. And the meatball was going into the spaghetti. The noodle was open long ways. And the meat was going in, not ravioli, but long, long ways. He's the story of my birth, by the way. That's sex. Oh, really?

You keep saying long ways. The noodle has to be long ways for it to work. Not ravioli. Not ravioli. He's only 15. He doesn't know about the ravioli kind yet.

Happy birthday. Hey, Nana, so wonderful to have you. She's leaning in for a kiss. Kiss me, Scott. Oh, God. That's the moto-scootoo seal of approval. I feel like I'm in Oklahoma. Wait, are you a rep for the company? They knocked all his little baby teeth out, too. They never grew back. And the adult ones got pushed so far back up into his brain, that's why he can't think a bad thought. Ha, ha, ha.

You understand sex yet, Scott? I guess so. It's like lengthwise. It's like your laptop there. You got a screen and you got a keyboard. If a woman was a keyboard and she tapped on the computer, oh, it would feel good for the computer to feel those keys click into place and the computer would see everything the keyboard was doing. You understand now, Scott? That's sex. That's sex to be on a keyboard. Got it.

Sex is like a microwave, Scott. It gets so hot, but the handle's not hot. What's up with that? Wait, is this stand-up? That's a great question. Are you working out stand-up? Real question. No, I'm not. Scott, have you heard about this? Have you heard about this? You're flipping a notebook over and back and forth. Why are you just pouring through the notes app? Pour it out on microphone. You think I have a stand-up? This fucking guy's asking where I'm from. Oh.

from? Where are you doing? I was not doing crowd work. I swear. Hey, you fucking baloney man. What do you mean calling me baloney man? What's your favorite food then? Nana destroys heckler.

Go on, say. You want to talk during my set? Say what's your favorite food then? I guess pizza? Pizza's like sex. Oh, the meatballs are on there and the cheese is under. And when it's cold, it's not that cold. And when it's crusty, it's in you. That's sex. You're onto how I was born again. Am I bombing? We like impressions. Nana should be on SNL.

I agree. You ever auditioned? A lot of people have been saying that. Why isn't it on SNL? Well, the contract isn't very good for performers, I'll say it. You know what? In all honesty, Nana would be better off skirting that. Nana doesn't seem to be hurting for work. Nana doesn't need SNL. SNL needs Nana. I'm looking forward to SNL AI. Okay.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be plugging stuff in there. All my favorite featured acts. Bring back Belushi. Yeah, Belushi and Jimmy Fallon. They can't stop laughing. Did you hear that new Drake song that uses Tupac AI? Yeah.

- Go on. - Happy birthday, Scott. - Happy birthday. - Listen, now that you're 15, there's also something important I've got to tell you. - What do you got? Okay, I need to know these things. - Now that you've entered puberty, do you ever notice you can make things happen with your mind? - Like Carrie? Things with my mind? - Like, for example, you've got a wife that's too hot for you and you've got all these performers working for you for free. - I think she's appropriately hot.

How do you think you made that happen, Scott? We're paying for you, but you're going to get a nice check. You're a wizard, Harry. What? You're a wizard. You're a hairy wizard, Scott. You're the boy that lived? I'm a hairy wizard? You're a hairy wizard, Scott. I didn't know that. I'm making all this happen with my mind? Yes.

Oh my God. The past 15 years has all just been some sort of mental projection. This is an end of St. Elsewhere situation. Yeah, am I a boy that everything is happening in a snow globe? Hold on, hold on. Am I real? Yeah.

I hope so, Original Fig. I mean, I want to go to Gethsemane Liquor and Scratcher someday. I just want to exist. I don't know now if I'm real or not. You're real, but you'll have to say goodbye to your friend because he's leaving tomorrow for his new school, the American Society for Magical Podcast Hosts. Say the real title. That's what the school is called. No, no, don't be shy. Say the real title.

You'll get sorted into a house with a bunch of other wizards that are podcast hosts. Joe Rogan. Joe Rogan will be there. Conan O'Brien, of course. Of course. The Smartless Gang. The dude from prison from Serial. Dax Shepard. Yes.

En question, what house is the Call Me Daddy women in? Yep. Yeah. Well, there's only a few houses. There's Hufflepuff, Huffleclaw, Hufflebitch, Bitchelpuff, Hufflepuff, Griffin, Huff, Huff and Griff, Doran Piff, Piss in Door, and Barskull.

There's only a couple of them. Scott's got to be a pissing door for sure. Call me daddy, I'll be in Hufflepuff tits. That's right. You'll probably be in Hufflepuff bitch like your great grandfather. First one to have a podcast. He had a podcast? Yes, it was Morse code out on a radio signal. It was called help, help, help me, help me, help me, help, help, help me, help, help, help me, help me. He was on the Titanic.

Oh, poor great-granddad. Yes, but oh, he got the listeners. Oh, man. Did he get off or did he die there? That's a gross question. Did he get off? Did my great-grandfather get off? Please tell me. I have a friend named Brock who goes down there every once in a while. Goes down there? Jesus, slow down, man.

Did he ever go down there? Great Grandad? You have to stop visiting the Titanic. Why? Because leave it alone. It is ours. We have claimed it. Have you met Brock Lovett? No, not to my island. Oh, God. You'd love him. The war is coming between us. We don't have time for the war. We don't have time for the war. That's another thing, Scott. I wanted to tell you now that you're 15, you should know that a fish masturbated on a sidewalk and your mother walked by at the wrong time. No.

No. Yeah, that's kind of how it happened. I'm half man, half fish as well? You got to do a 23 and me. Neptuna, we're like... What? Similar species? Related? Not related. Different fish, I would imagine. Don't you see? You're more alike than you are different. Oh. Don't you see? S-E-A. And that's the thing that the ghosts in the Pac-Man game don't understand. Right. Right.

They're both like Pac-Man's round and then the other guys are mostly round. Yeah. And if you invest your money properly. Oh, what? Where? Tell us. Tell us. Tell us. Good. Where? Achoo. Oh, she got a cup of your mouth. Oh, my God. Sneezed all over the microphone.

Well, Nana, it's great to have you. Can you stick around here? We have one last guest. Happy birthday to the show, of course. Here's a little card with a little bit of money in it for you. Oh, my God. There's $800,000 in here. Yes, that's right. Where are you getting this kind of money? Well, I invested in a long-term savings account, an RRSP. What's that stand for? A Jew and all that. Hey, look. Neptuna's brought up Dred Zeppelin on the TV. That's what they all look like.

Isn't it exactly what you thought they would look like? There's the gang. Yeah, Elvis would be there. Led Zeppelin. John Paul Jones. Charlie Hodge. A real band that does Led Zeppelin songs in a reggae style. Sorry, I fell asleep again. The most boring fucking shit I've ever seen in my life. This is what Scott is horny for.

This is hentai. Is that hentai? This is a hentai. I've seen Aquaman. Those are tentacles. I was watching hentai when I was watching Aquaman. Oh my God, Randy's rushing back to the mic. I was in the bathroom and I heard hentai. You really did come tearing out of the bathroom. I got piss all over my legs. Is he going to own it? Is he finally going to own it? Neptune is soaking up all the piss. Oh.

It's used water. Neptune is some kind of piss freak. That's not canon, right? Whatever. Did you ever see Waterworld? Oh, you bet I did. Was that exciting? Actually, I didn't make it all the way through. It was interesting. Yeah.

I enjoyed it. I liked it. How far did you get? About half.

You missed a lot of stuff. Yeah, you missed, I think Jack Black is in it, right? Jack Black is in it. Did you even see Dennis Hopper at that point? No, sir. Have you seen the Universal stunt show? Couple times. You probably pop up in there every once in a while. They sit up close and they throw water at you. That's your favorite part. It's the only show I can really sit in. They just throw it on you. They don't hold you back.

You can recite it from memory. That and Blue Man Group, where they give you a poncho in the first few rows. Yeah, but that's just for paint. And Twinkies. At this one, they got one of the Harlem Globetrotters comes out with a bucket. And he winds up, and then he goes, this time it's for real. And then he throws water on you. Please stop looking at me. I love it.

I was so excited when the bucket came torn by the Harlem Globetrotters, but it was Jessica Fanny. A cool joke. Yeah. That's why you're a Washington Generals fan. Home is room for the generals. Well, we have to get to our next guest. He is, well, there's no other way to put it. He's a traveler. Welcome, a traveler. Behold! Behold!

Behold, panelists, tis I, the bronze boogie boarder, a galactic traveler who has abandoned his responsibilities and needs a place to crash. We turned you down. You can talk right into the mic if you like. You turned me down? Okay, good. Wait a minute. Behold, a lot of headphones came off the ears. My apologies. Where are you traveling from? I'm traveling from the farthest reaches of space.

I was the servant of a world eating entity and I abandoned my post. What's that mean? Well, try to judge the band in my post. Abandoned my no, that I got. You got that. Okay. What's that? I had responsibilities. No, no, no. I got that. You got that part. I mean, the world eating entity, a world eating entity, a giant genderless creature. Genderless. Well,

Well, actually, I never thought about it until this moment, but I... Did you ever see it having sex with anything? No, no, I never did. But sex is not a great gender, so I'm wondering, did you ask? Well, you know, I'm just realizing now it was a humanoid creature of indeterminate gender. But your second descriptive word was genderless. That was number two. I've never described him that way, but I...

Yeah, I wouldn't describe anyone that way either. Well, no, that's not what I mean. I was going to say giant humanoid man, right? But then I was summoning my image of it and realized, well, it's not really male presenting.

Does it have a codpiece or anything? Is it covering genitals? It has a big belt, but I would not say codpiece. He does wear a belt. So you said it. I said yes. I'm sorry. It wears a belt. Thank you. It's pronoun. Oh, no. Well, it never gave me pronouns. They never. They never presented pronouns. Hold on a second. I really am sorry to get on this. This is going to be a lot of fun. I cannot wait to watch everyone use they, them the whole time.

With all of these old fucking white guys. That's okay. You know, it is okay. Stop distracting him. Then he's describing its world. Well, that's what I want to ask about. Yes. So this creature. Entity, yes. Sorry, entity. Sure. Just because he doesn't have gender, we don't have to call it a creature.

The creature's not pejorative, I don't think. Okay, all right. Wow, we're really hung up on this. But it's big enough to eat worlds? Yes. You mean like planets? Correct. So did it come from a gigantic planet itself? Its origin is unknown to me. What about Uranus? Oh, I love it. I love it. All right. Do you and this creature ever make jokes like that? No. No.

I wish we did. It's a very cold, well, it was a very cold and business-like relationship. My job was to scout planets for it to devour. Oh, okay. That's not good. No. Yeah, what are you doing here, if you don't mind me asking? So I quit. Oh, you quit? Oh, because you're not scouting for him. After how long? Well,

Couple millennia. We're not at for quite 2,000 years. That's a long time. I know. I know. Not really a couple millennia. How did you quit? How long ago did you quit?

I call it the will anymore. Earlier today. I got to tell you. What's up? You sound like a bad person. What are you saying? 2,000 years you scouted out planets for this guy to eat. How often was he eating? It took you 2,000 years to say, maybe I shouldn't do this anymore. How often was he eating? Like three times a day like us humans do? No, no, no. Not that often. How often? Twice a week. Twice a week? Twice a week. For 2,000 years? Yeah, give or take. How long is a week?

Where he lives. I don't know. I don't know how to answer that. Two days. Monsieur. I don't know. You say you're a thun driver, don't you?

Yes? What? Okay, you say you're a time traveler. Did you say you were a time traveler? Space traveler. Space traveler. A herald. The question does not matter. Correct. What were you going to say? Space. Yeah, space is time. If you were going to ask a question honestly. I was going to say if you did happen to move through time and space in an interesting way, why?

On a bronze boogie boarder? Correct. I was going to ask if you came back to this point in time and space for a particular reason. Why are you here? Are you going to restart JFL? I'd love to. Please bring back the gags.

I want to see Vincent again. Oh, Vincent, we miss him. I mean, I am a professional scout. It's not usually comedians. So you could be like a talent scout. I would think, yes. I know a manager who's looking for a, you know... Hey, hook me up, but...

I'm fond of the people of this planet. I find that- You've been here before? Oh, yes. Scouting? Scouting it, yes. Come on, bro. I'm sorry. I know it's not cool. Wait a minute. This is just what we need to unite land dwellers and sea creatures against a common foe. This is like the end of Watchmen. You think we should attack him? Wait, wait, wait. What are you hinting at? Huh?

Slow down. This is our common enemy, this guy? No! So where's you? No, I quit! I quit earlier today, like six hours ago. That's exactly what the person who was here to bring about destruction would say. Oh, come on. Don't start playing that game. I bet you do this all the time. You're scouting right now, aren't you? No, I mean, I can't help it.

I'm on autopilot a little bit with scouting, but I don't do it officially. What's the criteria you're looking for? You know, you got a lot of flesh walking around. Oh, this is, this guy's a fucking creep. You don't know. This guy's a perv. He's just coming to check out our flesh and then let someone else eat us. This is a child's birthday party. Ha ha ha.

I'm not scouting in a sexual way. I'm scouting for resources. Oh, don't worry. They just want to eat us. Yeah, you're the guy that Dread Zeppelin sends into the audience to take all the hot girls backstage. Scott, quick, get in my lap. Nan'll hold you. Nan'll keep you here. On my previous scouting missions, I did pay great attention to Dread Zeppelin. Oh, did you? I did. Is that what kept you away? Yes.

I was like, the power of this band might defeat you, oh mighty one. And he listens to you. Or they listen. They listen to me. Wow, I knew it. Sorry. How many minutes did we have? Two minutes?

So your boss actually chews up planets? The mechanism is it descends to the surface with a great machine which drills to the core of the planet and converts the resources into pure energy! Pure energy. In a horrific process, causing the death of every living creature on the planet. I missed a couple quips, but... We're just referencing the song Pure Energy. We just made the exact same dumb joke about a song.

He sucks out, it sucks out like the earth core. Correct. And then. It would, it would have. That makes everybody die. And yes. En question. So then why does it matter what we are like?

Because remember you came around and you saw Zeppelin and then all of a sudden Dread Zeppelin frightened me. Well sure but why does it matter if he's drilling through the car and just eating the resources? Occasionally there have been times when we have picked a planet to devour and the planet's guardians will rise up and defeat my boss. Like antibodies and

Yes, in a way. When a cancer tries. Correct. And if you think of the Earth's core more like the French word core, which I believe is heart. The heart of the Earth. The heart of the ocean. Thank you, Clyde. The heart of the ocean. I know not this word French. I know not why you people need to divide yourselves. Why are you talking like this now?

I don't know. Get into it. Why do you have this now? New speech. Yeah, new cadence. I've been doing this the whole time. It's almost like you decided on this cadence midway through your thing. You've been doing an accent the whole time, you think? This is the way I've been talking the whole time. Also, are you prepared to say English is canonically the language of the universe? When I came here before, everyone I ran into, that's what they spoke.

I love that Randy needs to lean in. He heard French. French and hentai. Koch in French means body. Koch means heart. It's all good. I'm going to go back to looking at Scott's hentai collection. Can I ask you a question? Is your boss going to be pissed that you quit? Did you put in enough notice? I don't know. I left a letter and just got the heck out of there. Did you trade your replacement? No.

I didn't provide a replacement. My boss is an angry entity, a vengeful creature. They are not going to come here to Earth looking for you. Good job, Scott. That was very good. He was looking directly at you when he said it, too. So proud of him. I don't think they would. No, I don't see how they would know where I went.

Did you leave any sort of messages behind? Or is there a tracker in the device that got you here? No, I don't have a tracker. There's no way for... I'm going to be honest. You have a very strong smell. Mm-hmm.

I think you smell really strong. I feel like your boss is going to sniff you out. I do have a pronounced odor, yes. What is that from? Is that from where you're from or is that what you've been rolling around in? I've been rolling around. Right before I came here, I went to a sulfur party. Ha ha ha!

We don't have those here on Earth. Yes, you do. You were at my wedding. That's crazy. Is that right? We had a ton of sulfur in the haunted bathroom. I'm a sucker for a sulfur party. There's a whole thing now. Sulfur is going to change the way we treat depression. It makes me feel great.

You're right, I am. We're sold out of boxes of matches at the store. That makes sense, yes. Okay, so you and the boss, do you live together? We used to live together, yes. Like roommates? Correct, yes. Ooh, Neptuna got very excited when we mentioned houses. What?

Oh, I sure did. Yep. It's just undeniably one of your things. What are the schematics of the house? Because if the boss is giant. Schematics of the house. Okay. You're like the size of us. How high are these ceilings? Very high. I mean, I'm not great with estimates. How,

You're not great with estimates and you've been scouting planets to eat? I've got to be honest, you've asked more questions than my boss ever asked me. I didn't come back to my boss and say, I found a planet. Why did you work for this asshole? I don't know. You fall into a job. You get the benefits, right? How did you end up there in the first place? I offered myself in tribute to save my own planet. And did it work? Nope.

He double-crossed me. They double-crossed me. I knew everybody was going to fail. I knew the moment, but now I get to watch it so delicious. So you said it's better for my little planet to survive. Yes. So I'll just make sure that countless other planets are just like... Sell out every other planet. I was the best scouter on my planet for resources. Oh, so you scouted already? I was an oil guy. Ha!

This guy gets worse and worse. Oh, my Lord. You're a villain. No, I don't really are. You, sir, are a villain. I disagree. And you give yourself a cute name, the bronze boogie board. Yeah, I'm thinking you're a boogie boarder. Maybe you're cool. You want to surf. It's 420. It's not my given name. I just am made of bronze, and I travel around on a galactic boogie board. It's not even a boogie board. It happens to look just like a boogie board. So what is your name? Huh? Well, it sounds like his name is the best scout. I don't know. And you are the worst scooter. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Nana is crushing it. Hashtag Nana for SNL. It's been so long since I went by my given name, it's difficult for me to recall it. Joseph. Nope. Is it Boring Grad? Oh my God, I know what it is. Boring Grad. Worst name of all time. David.

Is it David? Is it David? No. Is that why you're embarrassed to tell us? My name was Rantunshan Philandamore. Rantunshan Philandamore. And the way you say it is with a level of gravitas that has not been present for the whole show. Everybody gave you complete silence.

Is that all one word? No, two words. Rantunshan, Philandamore. Oh, you remember it. Yes, of course. Now that I've said it. Ah, my previous life is coming back to me. Do you want to go back to your home? Oh, no, I guess your home planet. Flashback noise. There's a mean old lady on a bike.

I wish I could go back, but my planet was destroyed. Yeah. Good. Why good? You deserve it. I don't deserve it. I'm a good guy. Of course, you're a dick, bro. You're a villain. How is what you did any difference in what both of yours did? You were extracting your planetary sources? You're complicit. Yeah. I suppose I am. You abetted these crimes. What do you do for work here? I just got here. I'm looking for work. I'm looking for a place to crash.

I'm good at scouting land. Why don't you crash in a coffin, dude? Yeah. You're a bad guy. Fuck you. You're a bad guy. Fuck you, bro. That's harsh. That was a good one. I like that joke. He died. You kill yourself in a coffin. That's really harsh, okay? I mean, at least the entity you worked for, like, I guess it had to eat planets, right?

Does it have to eat planets? It would perish What's the criteria for a planet To be rejected And has it ever happened?

Yes, I don't know why you are angry at me at the prospect that no planet was rejected. This is episode one of the True Crime Podcast where you've got an accomplice under the microscope. I've been listening for this whole time and you have not had this much fire towards anyone. Original Fig just came alive. You're serious. You're telling me that I should be just as angry at any of these weirdos as the guy who let a giant eat planets.

For a while. For what? 2,000 years. Until today. Countless genocides. Planetary wipeout. I have a question. Speaking of wipeout. How much longer did you go on working for it about to create your planet? Jason's doing the wipeout thing on the drums, by the way. Wipeout. My employer.

Devoured my planet 500 years ago. So 1,500 years into my tenure. You worked for... So then he went back. He's like, you know what? We went back. They went back. And you were okay with it? I wasn't okay, but I had seen so much destruction. I guess I had become...

Inured to it. So you're like, you know what? I'm only going to do 500 more years of this. It's when I started thinking I should stop. I should leave this line of work. 500 years ago. You suck shit, dude. That's not that long ago. You suck shit. That's not fair.

You suck shit. Get in your coffin. Get him, Fig. Kick his ass. Yeah, Fig. Get him. Hold on, hold on. Fig. What? I'm not violent like you and your boss. Whoa. I'm not violent either. I'm chill. Get him with words. You think you're chill? Yes. Get him with words, Fig. Kick his ass with words. Roast his ass. You're a piece of shit. Oh, shit. Fig. Come on. Original Fig to you. Wow.

Come on, original fig. Look, yes. Okay. I've done wrong. I won't shy away. Oh, thank you. Thanks a lot for your acknowledgement. Wow. Turning over a new leaf. I would love to redeem myself. What did you think was going to happen here today? I don't know. I really thought. You're going to get absolution from the likes of us? I'd heard this was a pretty chill crowd and it was an open door policy. Nana destroyed a heckler earlier. Welcome to the roast of...

- It's impressively close. - I'll ask, let me ask you a question. Do you know any boogie board tricks? That's a good question. You can't, I mean, that's-- - Change the totem a little bit. - Yeah, just change the totem. I feel like we've been attacked. - Jeffy coming in with softballs.

I feel like I walked in here to a live show. Trying to give Rantunchen a lifeline. Check this out. Here we go. I got one. What do you think of that? Oh, that was fucking racist, my man. I can't believe you just did that. Add it to the list. Add it to the list. Wait, for real? Those hand signs you were making? That was insane. It's appropriation. It's racist. I can't believe I just saw that. Can we not put that video on it? I mean, we should have known his last name is Philandermore.

On my planet, that's a noble name. This ain't right. Why did you need to braid your hair? Good point. I tried to throw you a softball, man. Hang on, I'm getting an email. You're getting an email from who? From who, Hitler? I don't know, I'm checking. Oh, man. Are you still on his email list? How'd you like to be the guy who has to teach Hitler how to use email?

Let me guess. You came down here scouting the planet when Hitler...

I can't do accents. You came down here scouting the planet when Hitler was here and you said, no, these people are all good. That's not how I looked at it. It wasn't because of... I wasn't made aware of the presence of your Adolf Hitler, but that's not what made me think. You're so great. You're Adolf Hitler. You said to your boss, no, let's not get him now. Let's let him cook. Okay, so...

So then you came to the U.S. and you started making the atomic bomb and you said, this is better. You were reading into, no, we don't get into this level of detail. It was more just like what resources are, you know, how many creatures are on the planet that could be devoured? How much oil? But again, you say it is in the middle of the planet. Okay, so what was the last planet that you devoured? Why? Let me see. Why did you pick that one? The last one we picked was Venusian II.

Venusian 2. Venusian 2. It's around the star Alpha Centauri. So my assumption is you guys gobbled up Venusian 1. The few people that were able to get to 2 thought they had solace and you guys went and gobbled them up. That is true. You weren't full from devouring Uranus? Ha ha ha ha!

Fucking Nana. Nana for SNL. Come on. Nana for SNL. Come on, fucking give it to me. I mean, imagine Nana on Weekend Update. Oh, man. Stepping up to the dais. Nana, the only boogie boards you ever ride are the boards of boogies coming out your nose. Oh, wow. That stings.

You stink. You burn. Honestly, the better move is to be a writer because then you get residual. Randy knows a lot about this specific deal. Writer actor must be the sweet spot, though. Oh, no. It's an ego thing. Lose your ego. Make more money. Take it from me. Take it from you. Take it from me. Hey, I got some ice over here. Anybody want to piss in it?

Well, guys, we're running out of time. I wish we could go on forever. At some point, we need to get to this war. But maybe we're going to unite or something. It feels pointless after we've got the worst monster in the world sitting here. I would not agree at all. But we only have time for one final feature on the show. And, of course, that is a little something called plugs. Zambinos.

This is my favorite part of the show, if I'm being honest. I'm so sad you have to go, but maybe you have a plug or two for me. If I'm being honest, this song isn't sure not really sweet. If I'm being honest, I hope that's cause I think it's a treat to listen to my voice and hear me sing.

If you don't have plugs, don't say that. Don't do that to me, please. But if you have plugs for me, I just hope that they're free. That was beautiful. That was Free Plugs, Please by Scott's Favorite Hentai. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

The name's probably something else. Scott probably just told on himself. The name is something beautiful. He doesn't know he said it. Like that kind of thing. It's a Freudian slip. Thanks.

Thanks to Scott's favorite hentai for that. All right, guys, what are we plugging? Jason, you got anything to plug here? I mean, I'll plug the How Did This Get Made podcast. Of course. Why not? Percy Jackson, of course. And Percy Jackson. Is Russell Crowe going to get on that? Oh, I would love it. As one of the Olympians? Get him in there. Get him in there. And I'll throw in Invincible Season 2 on Amazon Prime. Very well.

Oh, all right. Original Fig. What do you want to plug? I want to plug a show that's on the road right now. It started right at Gethsemane Liquor and Scratcher. Really? Yeah, it's where it got its start. And now it's on tour. It's called Varietopia with Paul F. Tompkins. Oh, yeah. It's going to be Sunday, May 26th at the Lodge Room in Los Angeles. Then Friday, June 7th at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota.

Saturday, June 8th at the Riviera in Chicago. Very exciting. You've got to go check out this show. You have to check out this show. You've got to check it out. You have to. That's amazing. You simply must. All right. Neptuno, what do you want to plug? I would like to promote peace between land dwellers and creatures of the sea as well as patreon.com slash andydaily. Patreon.com slash andydaily. I guess so. Ha ha ha.

That was respectful to put that number two. I thought a lot about it. And Randy, Randy Snuts, what do you want to plug? I'll plug Shrink on Peacock and the Hey Randy podcast on CBB World. Yeah. CBB Presents. That's right. Okay, Francesca Bolognese, what about you? I want to plug Scott's Restaurant where he serves you six-course dinner. And then I want to plug...

I want to plug Going Deep and This Book Changer My Life on the CBP World. Okay. And Jeffrey McSaturday, how about you? Hey, my manager wants to say something. Hey.

Oh, Scott, Scott, hey. Sprague. Oh my God, I was just talking about you. Did I miss the part? No, no, I mean, you're right at the tail end, but. Okay, so I could do my, start my segment. So what's the Ninja Turtles? Can we talk about the new Ninja Turtles? No, we can't talk. We can't get into it? No, we can't get into that. By the way, I think I have one of your clients here. Oh yeah? Which one of my clients? I can't remember. Is it Fig? Fig?

No, no, no. It's McSaturday. Oh, McSaturday. Well, that's right. Yes, yes, yes. I am also a client of Spring Big Brother. Andrew Lloyd Webber. I didn't know you had a manager. I've been waiting in the motor outside. Well, me and Andrew wanted to come in and plug Scott Hasn't Seen. Oh, thank you, Andrew. That's so nice of you. Accent, Spring Accent. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scott, Scott, Scott. Now, Scott.

Is my action figure out at this point? No, but it will be very soon. Keep an eye out for a little black action figure. A black action figure. A black action figure. Yeah. Is my action figure out? Not yet, ALW, but we'll get one out of you. Is my action figure out? No, but

We'll get it. We'll get everyone's action figures. So none of them are out. Here's my action figure out. No, but coming soon. Coming soon. I've seen a 3D model of it. Not 4D. I'm sorry, Quiet. What did you do with the model? It's up my butt. Well, I want to plug Scott Hasn't Seen, of course. Oh, okay. Thank you. Great podcast. Great podcast. We do together. Yeah. On Fridays. Yes. Yeah, we just had Tony Sony on talking about Madam Web. That's true.

And it's like, it's one of the longest, most in-depth interviews we've ever had. Sony said they were sending someone over. It happened to be Tony Sony. Well, that's wonderful. And let's see. Quiet the mime. What do you want to plug? Okay. So I would like to plug the CIT Platinum Savings Account. It is 5.

5.05 APY for balances above $5,000. Oh, okay. Great. That's a great place to put your money. It's a good place for a high-risk account, if you can say. Fantastic financial advice. Thank you. I got so nervous earlier. Nana, do you want to plug anything? Obviously, hashtag Nana for SNL. Of course.

Let's get that out there for real. Yeah. Dinosaur improv going to Chicago and Seattle. And the Pacific Northwest. Yes. And more importantly, I want to plug a birthday candle in your birthday cake, Scott. Oh, thank you so much. Everybody, happy birthday to you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To you. To

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Oh, the black version. Happy birthday. Thank you. Oh, my gosh, guys. That means so much. A Traveler, you don't get a plug. But I want to plug, look, the Comedy Bang Bang Tour is coming out here 2024. 2024.

In a couple of days, we're doing L.A., but then, hey, we just added a Boston show. We're doing two shows in Boston. How do you like them apples? Yeah, all right. We're doing Wednesday, June 12th, and Thursday, June 13th. Then we're going to Brooklyn, Philadelphia, Washington, Durham, Atlanta, St. Louis, Nashville, Tucson, Phoenix, San Diego, Salt Lake City, Denver, Austin, Dallas, Toronto, Royal Oak, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Indianapolis, Chicago, Madison, St. Paul, Sacramento, Oakland, Portland, Seattle, and Vancouver. Too many. Too many.

Too many shows, but we're going to do them. And some of you hopefully will join us out there on the road. I'll meet you out there, Scott. Will you really? That's right. I'll meet you out there, Scott. Okay, fig. As will I. Andrew, I would hope you would be there. Remember that show we did in Portland? So I, the bronze boogie boy. Oh, no. Oh, no. Kill yourself. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to close up the old plug bag before we get to that. Here we go. Boo.

That was Too Scary, Don't Carry by Brennan Shively. Thanks so much. If you have a plugs theme, head over to cbbworld.com slash plugs. And guys, I want to thank you so much. What a wonderful celebration of this show. Some old friends, some new friends. Neptuna, you, I mean, you're an old friend. You were here eight years ago and that was it.

Until now? I'll see you in eight years, guys. No, no. We want to hear you guys' true crime podcast before that. Solving crimes above and below water. Wait, they have to solve them, too? No, I didn't realize we had to solve them. You don't know. I guess you just have to. You can profile them if you want. Whatever it is out there, man.

Really, even solving them. You're going to... Just call me sugar. We don't know what that means. We haven't seen it. You are a sugar super fan. I think Neptuna has just lost their mind. I've been out of the water a long fucking time.

Jay, great to see you. Happy anniversary, Scotty. Thank you. Jeffy, wonderful to see you. And Fig, obviously. Many hamburgers to you. Many hamburgers to you and many Urkels to you as well for next Wednesday. Many Urkels to you. Yes. Quiet the mime. Quiet. Wonderful to see you. Randy, Carissa. Yeah.

Yeah. And then Francesca. Hi. Great. So I'll see you out there on the road probably. Cannot wait to eat shit backstage with you. Okay. And Nana. Happy birthday, Scott. Thank you. We're not going to sing it again, but I appreciate it. I'm glad you had a good little birthday party. I knew you'd be alone, so I hired all of these people from the insane asylum where I live. Oh, no. I paid them to be here. Oh, that makes sense now. This whole 15 years makes sense. Wow.

All right, we'll see you next week. Thanks, bye.

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