Video: Whitney Cummings | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. I can't believe how well you're channeling the male point of view in a way I've not heard a woman. Well, I think you do something that I really appreciate. I'm at the point where I go, you know what? Come at me because when this story is relayed, you will look ridiculous. Come at me.

How are you? Do I stand? Can I do I stay seated? I think you should definitely stand like I'm King Charles. I'm in a full panic. Bad reference. He just got cancer. Oh, is that? Oh, no, I just was. I wouldn't think of that. But now that I said it, it just reminded me, you know, he just was diagnosed with cancer. Ouch.

Sorry. See, I can't be here. I have to leave. I feel like I'm on the most high-stakes date of my life on this show. That's ridiculous. I am so stressed out. I'm sweating. Why? Because. You, of all people, I feel like you're one of the most confident people in show business. Oh, it's an act.

Well, isn't everything an act in circumstances? Yes, yes. It's like, you know, who can act the best? We're actors. I think I... Not us. Comedians are not actors. That's true. Sometimes people say to me, you know, out and about, oh, you're an actor. I'm like...

Not only are you wrong, which is insulting, but I'm the opposite of an actor. Yep. Not that I'm insulting actors, but I am the opposite, and you are too. We are truth-tellers. That's true. We don't conceal. We reveal. And I only get cast to play myself, and it's never acting. Right, even on your...

titular sitcom, you were you. Yeah. I was who I was at that time. I look back and cringe, but... Really? I think the goal is to always look at a previous iteration of yourself and cringe a little because that means you've changed. I thought that show was funny. Thank you. I appreciate that. People loved it. Yeah. Who cares if... I mean, of course we're all evolving. Yes. I mean, cringe, like these people who are in interviews, a very common thing to say is, no regrets.

I'm like, "What?" - Who says that? - Everybody. I've heard it a million times. "I got no regrets." I guess it's... I don't think they mean... I think what they mean... - You should have them. - Of course. - Yeah. - Again, I have zillions of regrets. - That's my favorite is when you're talking to someone and they're just like, "Those mistakes made me the person I am today." And I'm like, "Yeah, that's the problem. It made you this person." - Well, no.

They can make you better. Come on. I mean, like... Sure. Like, I've very often felt guilt, really. Not really justified because I couldn't help it, but about...

Being in a relationship with someone as the years went by and being like much better than I used to be and realizing, oh, I learned that on somebody else. Some other poor chick had to have me dumb ass. But she got something out of it too. I agree. But I'm just saying I feel bad when I can. You learned it on her?

Was this a sex trick? - Well, of course we all do. No, no, learning how to behave with somebody. - Sure. - You have too. - Sure. - I mean, we're all dumb when we're young. - Yep. - And I could, but I can think of like specific things, very specific things. - Like what? - You know, like,

Oh, I don't know, stupid things. Like I remember once-- - 'Cause you're my hero in terms of like, as someone, this is why you like my sitcom, 'cause I played a character that never wanted to get married. - Right, right. - The commitment phobia thing. So I'm an aspiring commitment phobic. - Right. - Help me. - I've always objected to that term. I've been called that. I remember I used to say,

Well, I don't like sushi. Am I a sushi phobic? Right. Or is it just my taste? Why is my taste worse than yours? Sure. And it's also interesting because I've been accused so much in relationships with people where people are like, you just have an intimacy issues. I'm like, no, I just don't want to be intimate with you. You have commitment phobia. No, I don't want to commit to you. Why can't you be the problem? Why am I the problem? Be someone I want to commit to.

But do you have a hard and fast rule about not wanting to commit? I don't. That's sort of what's happened. I think there's a confluence of things. I grew up around a lot of acrimonious divorce. So as soon as things start getting hard, I kind of go like, why? We're dying. We don't have to do this. We don't have to put ourselves in a cage here and do this. If this is bringing out the worst version of me or there's something about me you don't like, I think I really tend to go,

this is something I'm willing to change about myself. This is something I'm not. Right. You know, and I just go like, because if I do change for you, I'll be pretending and then I'll just resent you anyway. And then I'll be... So true. And then I'm fake. So I'm big on just going like, look, like we're all looking for a needle in a needle stack. And I think most people aren't a match. Like, what are the chances that we would have found our...

sort of perfect match by now. I also think it's like, you know, this whole forever thing was, marriage was invented when our life expectancy was what, 20?

I don't even think it worked then. Well, it was like a land-sharing scam, right? It was about titles. I mean, I used to say when people would say, my relatives, I think they were befuddled. But I remember saying this when I was young, and I thought it was very funny. Why aren't you married, Billy? And I'd be like, well, I can't because I must form an alliance with France. And

- I can't find anyone in LA with any land. - Like, what are you talking about? Well, unless I marry the Duke of Bourgogne's daughter, our countries will sadly be at war. - Yeah, yeah. - And they would just look at me like. - I don't wanna waste a marriage if we're not gonna merge empires. - At least trying to be a comedian. - But also I do think though, some of the anti-marriage sentiment might be a little bit elitist 'cause I do know people that are like,

If I'm married, I get to live in a house. If I'm single, I have to live in an apartment. And it's not about gold diggers or anything like that. It's about just going like... You know, we save money on taxes. There's lots of incentives. We get health insurance. It's very easy for us to sit here in our Hollywood...

Wherever we are. This Hollywood museum with a stripper pole. Right. And a chair hanging from the ceiling. What's that one? Oh, that's Timothy Leary signed that chair. He burned a hole in it and then they signed it. So it's an art piece now. I could probably sell it, but I would never. Never.

What is the most valuable, like sentimentally, piece you have in here of all this paraphernalia? I don't know. Everything-- Besides the toilet paper I just flushed. I never really thought about that. It's all this stuff that didn't fit in a real house. I kind of like it more. I kind of like this place more because it can't be ruined. It can't be destroyed. I mean, look at it. It's like you can party here and not

I don't like, you know, I don't like highfalutin parties. You don't like having to... I don't like to go to someone's house where it feels like a museum where you can't enjoy yourself or your word, you're going to break something. I mean, I had a birthday party here on the 19th of January. Just like 20 people, close friends. I had the best time. And the next night I went to...

I guess I can say at Jeff Bezos' party, which was like, you know, the most A-list of A-list people there. I was very flattered to be invited, but I had a better time at my party. No, that's because I don't know those people as well. But I mean, I like a down and dirty party and a down and dirty room. So Bezos, so you... So how much longer is Lauren Sanchez in there? Do I have a shot? I didn't see them at their own party.

But I got there late, I guess. You've interacted with him? Yes. When you meet him... They could not be more engaging. I mean, personally, I mean, obviously he's a political figure now because he's the richest man, right? And owns the Washington Post and like, you know, labor issues. I mean, I've criticized them for environmental issues. Sure. That's my big issue with Amazon is like...

And nobody talks about it. The amount of garbage you create by sending your pants back and forth eight times. I'll get a pen, one pen. It'll come in nine layers of plastic. That whole thing. I mean, I feel like that I've done a couple of things on it, but I never hear anybody else like, isn't that like the main environmental problem we have? Well, yeah, but it's also it's like, well, then I'd have to drive 20 minutes to write it.

I guess we're just going to have to. I'm not saying he's evil for, I mean, he's obviously a genius who figured out a way, I mean, come on, to sell everything to everybody? Mm-hmm. Everything. Everything. Like over 20 million products they have. Everything to everybody. I mean, you know.

It is tricky, though, because they make television and movies and stuff now, and it's kind of hard as someone that makes television to be in business with them, because whenever they give a creative note, I'm like, you guys are a grocery store. Right. Don't try to give me a note on comedy. But as a person, what I like so much about him is that...

No pretense. Very up. Just like high energy, happy, obviously in love with this girl. That is not a fake of any kind. No. And looks you in the eye. Some people at that level, you don't feel like they're really tracking what you're saying. They're kind of in their own world. Sure, sure. And this guy, no. I have a conversation with him. He hears me and loves new ideas. He's one of those kind of like

Nerdy guys are like, "Oh, I gotta write that down. That's a great thing." - Sure. - You know, I mean, people like that are engaging. - I was curious when you meet someone who's built this giant empire and you're like, "I get it. There's something different about you than everybody else." And like, what is that thing? - Well, he just, I mean, that was the business genius of seeing where the world was going. - Mm-hmm. - You know, I mean, to me, the most prescient thing anybody ever said was Andy Warhol

"Everyone's gonna be famous for 15 minutes." I mean, we were on The Tonight Show once together. Together, yes, we were. Remember that? That was a wa-- Yep. I do remember that. Yeah. But that was our-- And that was Jay Leno. I worked with Johnny Carr. You're too young for that. But, you know, in that era, I mean, there was Johnny Carson and whatever sacrificial lamb was going up against him. That's who talked to people. Now, podcasts are like-- I don't know how these, uh...

I mean, I guess I do. They do funny, good, professional shows, Jimmy and Jimmy. But as far as just talking to somebody, that used to be something we thought only a couple of people in the world could do. That's right.

otherwise we had to be get 10 people to tightly script what you say puppet well alan thick tried to defeat johnny carson but once again there's only one person who can talk to people johnny carson yeah and now it's like everybody can talk to everybody just and there's you know isn't it wild that we used to sort of prepare seven minutes oh so we and we prepare i mean

Was it seven? I thought it was six. It was like, yeah, I mean, it was, you know, and then you'd have the second segment and you'd have eight minutes to get everything in you need to say for the year. It was so nerve wracking. Now I'm like, I'm out of things to say. Wasn't that show nerve wracking? Like what you just said, like to have to like, you know, get it to the, you know, work on your set and then try to make it, if you're sitting, make it sound conversational and...

And knowing that, yeah, it was a high wire act in that you could

I mean, certainly I knew comics who like bombed like the first time and then never recovered career wise ever. And it's tricky because I always felt like I needed to make a choice when I went out there, which was always like, you know, maybe this was more so with Letterman. And there felt like such a big difference between Letterman and Leno, which is sort of an interesting dichotomy in terms of as a performer. But you had to go, do I want to make the audience laugh or do I want to make you laugh?

and making a comic laugh is sometimes a little bit different than making an audience laugh, you know? So I'd sort of go out there and be like, "I gotta get this laugh," but then, like, Letterman, it was always like, he was hard to crack a little bit, you know? -So I'd be like, "You know what? -Yes. If I don't get them on this, at least he's laughing, and then they'll know it's funny 'cause he's laughing. Some hosts, I feel like, lose credibility on the laughing thing because they laugh at everything. I don't think Letterman really did. Not Letterman.

and not Carson. That's why you could achieve both those things by making Johnny laugh. If Johnny laughed, the audience was like, "Well, fuck, that must be me." - It must be me. I must be dumb. - "That must be me." Johnny loves it. I fucking love it 'cause I love Johnny and Johnny's the man. So I think I would go in that direction.

But like right now, if you laugh at everything, you know, if you're just a giggle box, some some hosts just are. I'm not talking about data. Lots, lots. Don't you think some of them laugh harder at things that aren't funny just to make the person feel confident? I feel like it. You're like, why is George Butler killing?

with jay leto like i was definitely funnier than that like why are you being hard on me what a perfect name for that joke what a perfect perfect name gerard butler right like that story like about doing pranks on set you know that was a dog shit story you know that's hysterical yeah but you're gonna give me a hard time and make me sweat it out oh i remember of

backstage and you'd hear the band when you were about to go on and just that kind of that 40s, you know, like shipping off to Pearl Harbor the next day. It was stressful. It's always like half debutante ball because every, you know, as a comic, like you're in the clubs, you know how to make people laugh, you know how to sort of like, you know, do what you do, but no one prepares you for the walk.

from the curtain to the couch where you're like, "Do I do a funny walk?" - Oh, no. - It took me so long to not be like, "I need to do a funny walk," like air guns or something. - It was like, I remember there was always a dude who pulled the curtain for you, and you just felt like they were shooting you out of a cannon, you know? - But you always had to pretend the audience was a surprise. You'd be like, "What?" - Yeah. - Like, there's no funny way to walk to the couch. - It was just an audience, but I felt like-- - That walk takes forever. - I just felt like the bull.

In the bullfighting ring. Yeah. I just, it just was like. That's kind of it. But, and that, the sound of that band, again, that, that, if it had been a different, more modern band, but the Johnny, I'm telling you, I felt like I was. There's such a thing as a modern band. 1941. Yeah, it's always like a, they're like, is that a recorder? Like, is that?

Are those the symbols? One person just holding the symbols on one finger? Arriving in Pearl on December 6th. Are you, Bill? I suggest sleep late the next day. It's a Sunday. I'm sure nothing will be going on. It's also, and then it's like you spend so much time getting great as a stand-up, and then you're sitting on a couch. I mean, not to go like, being a female comic's different, but I'm like, I should wear a skirt. And then I'm just spending all this time trying to not share and stone the audience. And I'm, you know, so I'm kind of just like being awkward. You're right. Tougher for you. I mean, no.

I mean, no, I wouldn't. No, it is. It is. There's another level that you have to consider that I never did. Like, they're going to pick on physical stuff more like...

And look, a lot of that comes from women. As I've always said, women hate each other. I hate myself. That's how much women hate women. No, you don't. But a man walks in a room, we don't even see him. A woman walks in and it's just, who does she think she is? There's always this picking. There's this natural instinct to pick people.

And I think we're kind of wired for that, yeah. You had to deal with that, and I didn't. I mean, I wore a little monkey suit from the young comic days. Some of my wardrobes are cringy, but it was the 80s, for fuck's sake. I think it's also, you know, it's like you want to dress nice and presentable. I think there's this trend now where comedians just...

Like, Adam Sandler gets to dress like that. You guys can't all just wear gym shorts on stage. You know, it's like the hoodies. Why would you want to? It's just like there's a, like, you know, I remember being at the comedy store on New Year's Eve. I normally will do, I know you do big New Year's shows, you know, a theater or something. But I was just at the comedy store. And there are these people. They're dressed up. They're in their sequined, you know, dresses. And they're in their suits. And these comedians just one by one are coming out in hoodies. Really? T-shirts. That's horrible. And it's just like, you guys.

guys, pull it together. This is-- - New Year's Eve? - It's New Year's Eve, guys, you know? And I just remember being like, these people have bought tickets three months ago, they dressed up, this is their special night, you know, and you're just like looking at a notebook in your sweatpants, you know? So I always do try to, you know, really dress up, but sometimes I think when you wear a dress or wearing heels as a woman, you might come off

- What did you wear that night that we were on together? Were you in a dress? - I always had a rule that I would wear like the Michelle Obama-ish, those dresses that would go right under your knee. - But you're showing leg. - Yes. - I was not. - Yes, yes. I would try, but it was also so annoying 'cause you'd have to do this weird cross. - Right. - And you'd have to lean forward and then it just looked like I was trying to show the host my tits. It took me a while 'cause otherwise you're here. It's kind of a nightmare.

- Frankly. - I know, I'm trying to be sympathetic to that. - Yeah, you can't do this. - I get it. I never had to think about any of that. - And then I started just wearing pants and then a blouse. - No, and also, you wanna be pretty 'cause you are, so why hide that? And it's also an asset in show business.

But then you don't want to be too pretty because you don't want to make the women who are not that pretty mad at you. I'm in LA6. We're good. We're good about that. Oh, I did a whole thing once when Amy Schumer put out that movie. It was good. I Feel Pretty? Yeah. And they just, the woke assholes just shit all over it.

Because Amy wasn't, they thought she was the, they were saying she was too blonde and beautiful and not like, and her whole act is like not that.

- Right. - Like her whole act is kind of a throwback to-- - Yes, they're like, she's basically an erection. - She's not a terrible looking person. - No, no. - She's a perfectly handsome woman, but you know, Phyllis Diller wasn't that ugly. Carol Burnett wasn't ugly. That's what they did in those days. - I mean, compared to Margot Robbie, we're all pigs. So I think it's like what the, you know, I think it's all, that's all relative, but it is fascinating. - But they just, they do look for that. They are looking to find something to pick. - Sure, always. - Especially with a woman.

So it's interesting. Yeah. I mean, it's I kind of never want to play the it's harder to be a woman card because also I do find that stand up, even though there's so many less female comedians for, I think, a litany of reasons. It is in a lot of ways has a lot of stereotypical female qualities. It's like you're complaining. What does you know, doing stand up?

- Really? - Yeah, you know, you're emotional, you're sensitive, you're complaining about your marriage, you're complaining about how hard it is. - You're talking. - That's our thing. - Talking. - That's our thing. - Women are talking. - Okay, yes. We're rambling on and on. - Yeah, you're right. - And then we think we deserve to get paid for what we're saying. - Right, right. - And so I think although there's less women, that's our thing.

- Complaining in front of everybody. - Right, I never thought of it that way. Nagging and calling people out on how ugly their clothes are. That special you did, what was it called? Like, "I'm Your Girlfriend"? - Mm-hmm. - That was great. - Thank you. - The one I always quote and I always love, you should do it, tell me what the specifics is, I'd fuck it up. - Oh, shit. - But it's about, I don't know why it comes up, but it does.

Because it always reminds me of that bit you do about you were in love with this guy, you wanted to have his baby, and then he tripped over a flagstone. Oh, god. And you were like-- and it's like, it's so lizard brain true.

So it's just kind of the story, the real story. The real story is so it's about sort of our primordial reptilian brain. Yeah. And sort of the older I get, the more I've just surrendered to there is just certain ways we're wired as humans. You know, whether it's to be pugnacious about politics or sports or be tribal or, you know, be turned on by a certain thing in bed or.

who we're attracted to. - Right. - You can talk all day about, you should be attracted to this person, you should wanna be with this person, but we're animals. - Exactly. - And so there's certain things, biology is sexist, full stop. And so I was dating this guy who I was very into, and I like a very dominant man anyway. I like a dominant-- - You need one. - Toxic masculinity's my kink. - Right. - So I'm trying to cancel it.

Well, I can't see somebody who was passing out some weak shit even lasting a day with you. You need somebody pretty strong. I am into that. Yeah. I'm into that. Because you're a woman. Because, like, you're very strong, but to be in that woman mode, which is sort of your lizard brain of having somebody dominate you, I mean, like, you know, sex is a little...

Male dominant usually, not in a horrible way, but that's the biology. Yep.

So you need somebody. OK, so you're-- Just my professional life. I'm a boss. I have employees. You know, I sort of-- But was this guy dominant? Was he-- He was dominant. --until he tripped? And I guess there was a time where guys were wearing, like, lace-up boots for a minute. I don't know. It was like a booty of some sort. And I knew when we were leaving the hotel room, I was like, this is bad. This booty is bad news.

- Really? - I already, this boot. - Like there was foreshadowing? - Well, there was like a lace half, I just was like, this is not, that was already bumming me out. And I was like, I can get past the boot. And then we are walking through, I guess like near Chinatown when there's those like cobblestones and he just tripped.

Didn't fall, but you know those trips that go on for like a while? - Right. - And it's almost worse when you catch yourself. It'd be better if you fell, frankly, like hard. He kind of just like went on forever and tried not to fall. - Right. - And I just instantly fell out of love with him. And it wasn't a choice. I would love to be with him. - Yeah, I love this. - To this day. - It just gets it, it's just like so right to the truth. - What's the female equivalent? Like when we burn the casserole?

Like what would make you just, from a primordial perspective? - That's a great question. I have to actually think about that. Like an instant turn off. - Like a mustache? Ooh, like in the lighting you see like a mustache?

Well, certainly that is a different category. Like, you know, in certain lighting, you just like see facial hair. I could tell you a story about that. A coarse nipple hair? No, I'm, but the face, that's not. What is it? I'll tell you in a minute. Please tell us about this trans prostitute. I will, I will. It was 1988. But first, your question. I think one thing that certainly does that

is weakness. Like if, you know, guys do things like, you know, the girl breaks up with them or they break up and then like he wants her back and she's not going for it. So like he has his mother call her, you know, things like that that are like, or he cries. Like if you think that you can get a girl back with sympathy, with being weak, with being pity me, I'm going to kill myself if you don't or you

That is like the automatic, now you turn, it's like, it's one thing if the pilot light is still on, I always say, like that turns the pilot light off. Now you cannot relight this furnace. - No, if you wanna get me back, fuck me over a grain stove. - Like don't, like you can cry once when your mother dies.

Don't cry. I mean, and I'm not a crier anyway, except like in movies. Even if you do cry and I, do you really want me to pity you? I think conflating love and pity, I see a lot of people in relationships doing this. I've done it before too. Look, I'm not saying be fake strong, but you know, if you're not strong in certain ways and I'm not, look, I'm no Marine. Okay.

You're pretty tough. But yeah, just normal American lucky guy never had to go to war tough. Don't fucking cry about your problems. Don't bitch about them. Take care of your... Unless a person can actually help you with a problem. I mostly have not brought... And women have complained about this because women always want you. They're a little like the godfather. He wants you to owe him.

They want you to bring their sorrows so you get deeper and more intimate. You know what I mean? That's what women mostly want is like, "Tell me more." You can never communicate enough. - No, I don't wanna know anything about you.

I will say you're a different breed. I would like you to remain a stranger for as long as we're together. Wow, let's see. Look at me. I have to tell you what women are like. I think we have. I think it's important to maintain a little mystery. I think that one of the biggest mistakes we make, I made a movie about, based on a book called The Female Brain. Hot take, I believe in gender. And canceled. But I

I think one of the biggest mistakes I see people making is like your boyfriend is not your girlfriend. And we try to make our, when people are like, I just, I want to marry my best friend. I'm like, well, that's gay. We're not friends. We are not friends. We're not homies. I'm not going to tell you anything I think on a daily. I don't want to know what you're thinking. What are you thinking about? Please don't tell me because I know it's someone else and I've accepted that. So I think that a lot of people are just not in radical acceptance of

our nature, and I think if you want the kind of man that's going to be dominant, you're not going to be able to spend 30 minutes talking about, like, Lindsay's wedding shower. Right. You can't have, you don't get to have both. You have to pick one. I couldn't agree more. And you have plenty, so I really work hard to, and I feel very lucky because we have this ecosystem of, like, comic friends, and I try to keep my friends my friends, and then my man is my man. No, I resent anyone who judges, and of course, you get judged a lot if you're

as old as I am and never got married and also like don't what they would call age appropriate dating it's like fuck you

I don't tell you who you should be attracted to. Like, everything in culture is, sex, romance culture is, I was born this way. Exactly, great, I'm behind that. Exactly, you were born this way. This is what my truth is. This is what I, it's like, what about my truth? That's your truth then, yeah. That's my truth. I was born this way. Also, I mean, the age thing, I mean. And by the way, most men are. Most men are.

are attracted to younger women. It's like, again, the lizard brain thing. This one will be good mate to make healthy child. That's it. Again, I can't control that any more than you can control puking when your boyfriend slipped on the cobblestones. Yeah, but I mean, but also we don't spend any time talking about a lot of women are attracted to older men. And that's always, has always sort of been my thing. And I

I love I want to just we should just can we start a podcast called it was a different time I find myself always going it was a different time when I was 16 I dated a guy who's like 30 and like that wasn't weird and when you grow up without money your parents encourage it like you need someone to pick you up from school you like need someone to get groceries like it's not weird and also like yeah I look back and I'm like yeah that guy was kind of a creep but so was I

I was creeped too. Right. You know, I was preying on him in a lot of ways. Right. You know, and I was using him and it was, you know, was I conscious enough or old enough to make that decision for myself? I don't know. I mean, my mom's argument when I talked to her about it later, she was like, I was way more worried about you dating guys your age. Right. You know, because they're smoking weed and driving drunk and, you know, so it's a nightmare for anyone to date anyone, let's be honest, at any age, but I do find it. Well, especially at the, and,

And those young, I mean, we're talking about teenage, early 20 years. I feel women had all the advantage at that time. First of all, I didn't know enough to know how to deal with them. All this stuff we were talking about before, the stupid mistakes you make. Not just if you were lucky enough to finally have a girlfriend, but just trying to get one. It was just, you're at the horniest time in your life with the least ability to

At least for me, you know, I think kids got more sophisticated in general in that way, but I still think, you know, it's still... Of course you can see this with the porn and everything else. Most men, young men, they're fucking frustrated and horny, just like I was most of the time. Because why would a 21-year-old woman want to be with a 21-year-old guy who's an idiot and has no money and no food in the house? Comes in two seconds, yeah. And doesn't know how to...

Right. She can be with a guy who's 35, who's still in prime of his life. Yeah. But he's got a car. Who, like, has a globe. I learned about the world. Yes. You know? Like, I actually argue that I'm smarter and more interesting because I dated older guys back then. Of course you are. Of course. You know what I mean? I dated a guy who had a Wendy's franchise. He had a Wendy's.

What do you mean? I just mean I learned how to run a business. I would go with him to his work, whereas most people my age were just smoking pot and playing video games. You were in high school? Yeah. You were in high school and you were going up. How old was he? He was like 30, maybe. I was trafficked. I'm coming forward. I need help. Was he really the owner or was he just the regional manager? Yeah.

Honestly, I'm not even clear that he worked there or knew anything about it. I just love that you went back to your 16-year-old self where that was a big flex. It was, by the way, it really was. He had an Ultima. You're a guy who had a Wendy's. When you first said, I thought he owned the whole Wendy's thing. You're like, oh, the guy who owns Wendy's. Yeah, he's got to be a billionaire. No, no, he's not.

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By the way, I just would like to say that I'm terrified to be here. I'm actually pretty terrified of you. Really? Yeah. You don't betray it at all. Aren't you having a good time? I'm having a great time. Oh. And I'm shocked. And you're doing it without drugs? Without drugs. You don't do drugs?

You know what? We had a good run with the drugs. So I had never really done much because I grew up in an alcoholic home and I was always like the sober driver. I always went the other way with everything. I was actually like way too abstemious, frankly. And I was never the person that could go on stage and drink. And I was like, I work at night. I feel like I'm a girl. I got to work twice as hard to get half as far. I got to be good. I cannot screw up. Can't be sloppy.

And then I want to say a year and a half ago, I decided, why don't I start smoking weed? I can chill out a little bit. I'm a little neurotic. I'm a little high strung. California weed's wild. So whereas a lot of people just relax,

I started looking for the Scientology ships. I scheduled a call with the maritime lawyer to try to find Shelley Miscavige. I mean, I think I just... How did we get to Scientology? I smoked weed. Did I just? What I said...

i feel like did i miss it did they edit this are we editing before we even we don't edit this show do we we just jumped universe yeah there was like a jump cut and i think we're in live tv right now not that this is tv so i just am saying i get like manic and want to start solving like

Oh, I see. Crimes. Oh, I see. When I smoke weed. Well, that's probably why true crime podcasts are so popular among women. Why are they? That's a great question. Well, I think it's like, isn't it the biological basis for why we rubberneck when we drive by an accident and like have to look? Why women? Why is the true crime podcast? Because we're the most murdered. Isn't it our way of like studying and like studying up on, you know, the fact that we're prey? Well, you're the most murder. I wouldn't say the most murdered. No, I'm kidding. Yeah.

- Yeah, we are. We're the most-- - I'm kidding, I love it. - Annoying, so how could we not be? - I surround myself with women. It's easier, it's better, it's funner. - Yeah, that's what I hear. - They're nicer. - Can I ask you a question? - Prettier. - When all that Me Too stuff started happening, there were less people were hiring women. It actually seemed like it backfired in a lot of ways, in terms of people were scared to hire women. Did you feel like, I know people that started making offices that were like glass, you know?

And I just feel like it made the guys that didn't behave like that, like extra sort of scared. The only hiring I do at my show is writers. That's my domain. And I think right around that time, I added two women, so it couldn't have been on my mind.

All the other hiring, I have no idea. Sheila has done that for me forever. I don't want to be a part of it, and it's good that I'm not. Have your holiday parties changed? Were you like, we're not hugging anymore? No. First of all, it's a cool group. We're a very cool group. On this subject, which I think you're getting to, I am paranoid about hiring. That's one reason I don't want to be part of it, because...

With the way people are now, especially the younger generations, like we're a happy group and we have been for a very long time and we function really well together. It's amazing how many people are there for over 20 years. Cool. People don't want to leave. We're OK. And all it takes is one stupid fucking uber woke dork.

- A person who thinks they're a social justice warrior, but they just want to stir up shit. - I got in trouble for saying Merry Christmas on the set of Roseanne. - Yeah, that kind of shit. Somebody like that on the set could be poisonous. It used to be the other way who was poisonous. Maybe the most conservative person. Now it's this dipshit. - Yep. - So like-- - I find it's always someone that's a trust fund kid, an only child, or anyone from San Francisco. - Of course. - Yeah. - Well, I mean,

It's... Yeah, I think it's spreading, unfortunately. Because I have now with hiring, there's a couple questions I ask, which is, do you play team sports? I think team sports players tend to be a little better, you know? Can you ask that? Yeah. So, like, oh, did you play any sports in school? Tell me about high school, you know? I'm surprised there isn't a law against that. Grew up on a farm. It's racist. If someone accuses me, I can just accuse them of raping me, so I have some leverage. If someone...

I'm like, what? But he raped me. Oh, you don't believe women? I don't know if we want to put this in the book. I don't know if we want this in writing. I mean, this is more of a, you know, outside the meeting kind of a thing. Okay.

Okay. And then, did you grow up on a farm? Like people that worked on farms, they're just like, I think better with teamwork. They're more humble. And then people that didn't grow up with money. People that grew up with- I mean, you certainly couldn't say in an interview, what religion are you? You could not say that. Yeah. I find it interesting that you can say, did you grow up on a farm? Or like, tell me about your upbringing. Like, you know, do you have animals? Do you have- I'm surprised you can ask anything because somebody will connect it. Somebody will say, farm, what were you implying?

They will find a way to, I can't even imagine how, but they will find a way to connect that

Or did you play sports back to racism? But I think... Oh, interesting. Yeah, they will. What are you saying? You're white. You obviously didn't. Yeah. Shit like that. I mean, they will just... They just are looking to start shit. But also, if they do, I'm at the point where I go, you know what? Come at me. Because when this story is relayed, you will look ridiculous. I think most people are reasonable. I think we hear from the fringes the most. Like, when HR called me to tell me I was in trouble for saying Merry Christmas, they were like, hey, um...

So like they thought it was ridiculous too and I confronted the person and I basically was like you're dangerous to everybody in this office I mean, that's a good story and I'm glad it came out that way for you But I am NOT as sanguine as you are about the idea that the ridiculous don't have fans the other people who are ridiculous Yeah, and ridiculous stuff does land sometimes but with ridiculous people that anyway, right like I

Here's the problem with the ridiculous, is that, I've said this many times, no one ever gets in trouble for being too woke. You can't get cancelled for being too woke. You can't get cancelled for saying- But isn't cancelled a good thing at this point? Doesn't it just help you? Name one person that's been cancelled and it's not like hurt- and it's actually hurt them, you know? I can name 50! Roseanne! Let's go!

Okay. Al Franken. Are you serious? I did work on that show. I did work on that show. I did work on that show. Of course it's hurting. I'm talking about like comedians. I think for the most part it gives you publicity, and then if you're able to stay funny, it works for you. It depends. Louis C.K. Because also Roseanne was on an ABC show. That was Disney. It's different than being like a YouTube stand-up. Louis C.K. has to release his movies on the internet as opposed to where he might be with...

studios. Yes. Woody Allen can't get a movie made. Aziz Ansari lost a couple of years. Yes. I know Chris Hardwick,

I don't know him romantically. I know him as a person. He doesn't seem like the bad guy. By the way, the Chris Hardwick thing was, I mean, incredibly ridiculous. Like, even when you read that statement... Okay, we have the same management. I happen to know the kind of money and deals that were lost. Of course. Yes, no, I agree with you. I was just defending how ridiculous that was. I guess...

and this is the difference. Are you gonna be losing network stuff? Yes, losing network stuff, I think always. But I think the people like a Shane Gillis or something who was fired from SNL and he then became a giant arena act. I think if you're a standup comedian, I should be more specific, I think it kind of helps you 'cause people go, "I wanna know what this guy's gonna say."

Let's just agree it can work both ways. Yeah. It really... So if you want to take that, if you want to flip that coin, because it is a coin flip, because none of this stuff ever makes sense. It's never logical. But I think if dicks are out or if it's like race, that's going to be a little bit different than being weird in a meeting or asking somebody if they've played sports or something like that. Because I think this...

Yeah, I'm just saying we live in this world where it's kind of like

We made society, all of society, a courtroom where they used to always say, it's not what's true in a courtroom. It's what you can prove, what you can get a lawyer to convince people of. And I feel like that's what cancel culture is. Do the people really believe some of this shit? Do they believe Al Franken is a monster who shouldn't be in the Senate? No. I love Al Franken. But it would just, it's just too hard to stand up and go,

No, I'm with Al Franken. You're with the person who touched a woman's back. And, you know, so it's just easier to go path of least resistance. I don't want to like,

I feel bad for you, Al, or whoever it is. I'd like to stand up for you, but then I'm the one who they're going to yell at me too. I don't want to be yelled at either. So it's a lot of that. So you don't really know which thing-- I always say it's like the angel of death passes over certain houses.

That was Passover, you know, the Jew holiday? Passover, like that's what they put the mezuzah on the door. The tunnels? The tunnels, that's what's going on now. Now this is like ancient Bible times. You know how Jewish people have a mezuzah on the side of their... Okay, that was from...

I forget the story in the Bible, but the angel of death, they wanted to have a way for the angel of death who was spreading, apropos to his title, death,

pass over their houses so they wouldn't kill them. Sure. That's what Passover means. Pass over my house and don't kill me. Some people live in that house. Charlie Sheen lives in a huge mansion called Passover. Whatever he does, they just pass over. And God bless him. See, that's my thing about do people really get canceled? I see what you're saying, but I think that someone like Louis C.K., who's selling out Madison Square Garden five, six times, it's like he was doing a tiny FX show that was winning awards. Right.

I think it helped his, it probably helped his personal appearance. And his touring, yeah. But he, and it hurt him in movies where I think he would rather be. Oh, really? Yeah. I think it hurt him in a business where most people have a lot of skeletons and they have to like sort of sacrifice somebody so that they have some ostensible self-righteousness. You know, it's like Disney's like, you're canceled. It's like, well, you guys have dicks in your cartoons, so let's all just calm down. Right.

I mean, the castles are made of dicks. So this is not something you worry about. See, it's easier-- it's better to be a woman. It's always better-- Really? Well, of course. The worst thing you can be for cancel friendly is me.

White, male, over 60, heterosexual, unmarried. I mean, like, I'm all for five. I mean, I'm like, everything. No, I always say it. Like, I better be good because they're trying to get rid of me. Who's they? Dorks. Yeah, but dorks have power. I mean...

But why are we giving them more power than they deserve? Who's we? We're not. But other people are. Because I do feel like, you know, the people that are the, you know, whiny woke dorks are fringe. And those are the people that are going to have the loudest voices on Twitter. But then all the reasonable people. But they do get people fired and off shows. And preventing them from having deals and contracts. Yeah, yeah. You know. For sure. Look, Woody Allen, I would say two out of three of his movies are horrible. Can I tell you?

Okay, I'm so glad we could admit this. But the one out of three... I don't think he's that funny. I mean, I don't think his movies are that funny, and I think he just makes too many of them. He makes... Exactly. To me, that's also part and parcel of being an artist. Sure. That's what an artist does. Mm-hmm. Now, he's a funny kind of a person because he's, on one hand, an artist. Mm-hmm.

On the other hand, he's like Mr. Clockwork. He should be working at the government patent office because he did for like 50 years, two movies every year. We would shoot them in the spring and the fall. I would write them in the winter and the summer. And one out of three or four was good.

And it was the-- but you can't make that many movies without repeating the same themes over and over. And some of them are so unwatchable. But he still should be able to make a movie.

is it's like this is just the biggest witch hunt of a non-story. I think also, and this goes back to my, what we were talking about before with Dominic Matt, I don't like to watch men be weak. And that's always been my problem with Woody Allen. I'm like, you're scared of a lobster? Like, pull it together, dude. Like, I think there's just kind of like... Well, that's a comic. But you're now Woody Allen. Like, get it together. You know who, when he was playing that

What you're describing here, that guy-- the lobster-- you know who he was doing by his own admission? He wrote about this. Bob Hope.

Oh. He grew up on Bob Hope. And Bob Hope, who by the time I was even a kid seeing him on TV, thought he was corny and crappy. But he did-- when I went back and saw-- when he was young and did those road movies, there was some charm there and some funny stuff. He had a funny kind of-- he was the coward character. Coward.

And, you know, a little bit of a, you know, he was skeevy. And Bing Crosby was the, you know, the ladies' man. And that was a funny duo. I think now that men actually wear V-necks and have man buns, it's like it doesn't hold up as well. Back then when men were probably more men, it was like refreshing to see a vulnerable man who was like insecure. But I think now that guys now will be like, can I kiss you? And you're like, what? Well, the coward character is funny. It's funny.

-Yes. -It's funny to be a coward. Yes, but now that everyone's a coward, maybe it just doesn't feel as sexy. -Right, no. -You know what I'm saying? Well, it was never sexy. That was the joke. Bing was the sexy one. Bing was the sexy one who got the girls. And he was the schemer and the coward. I'm always fascinated, though, by his movies. Like, the wardrobe for women is always wild. You know, like, in Annie Hall, like, why is Diane Keaton a trans man? -She just dressed-- -That was her choice. I know. I think it's kind of fascinating.

And then in every other movie, the women just dress like Jane Goodall. They're in cargo shorts and brown tank tops. - You're right. - I know. - What is that about? - I've always thought it was weird. The only sexy outfits were really Scarlett Johansson in Match Point.

I don't mean she can make anything sexy, but she's in cargo shorts. She's dressed like Laura Dern in Jurassic Park. Woody Allen had an unconcealable boner for her. Yeah, no shit. He could not conceal. It is so obvious that in all his movies, he's like, I got to work with Penelope Cruz and Charlie Johansson. Let's go to Barcelona. No, just Scarlett Johansson. Okay. I mean, how could you not? And if you read his book,

Did you read his book? Feathers? I mean, I've read-- No, no, no, no. The one he put out just a few years ago, his life story. You would love it, I think. It's so fantastic. It's called Apropos of Nothing. Of Nothing, yes. OK, OK. It was some-- I think the publisher dumped it because of, again,

Is this America where we get... No, it's not. Okay. You know, nobody... Two police investigations. It just... It decries credibility that a 57-year-old man would suddenly take up child molesting. It's just not something that...

in a house with a bunch of other adults in the middle of a divorce proceeding. He just isn't that guy. But don't you think a lot of times, and I don't know the answer to this, I don't know, you know him, I'm not weighing in on this. I don't know him. Never met him. But the...

Don't you think sometimes when something happens that people are mad at you about, but they can't get you and then another thing happens, they'll blow that one up. So exactly him marrying his daughter. That's what it wasn't illegal. Exactly. Creeped everybody out. Right. And then as soon as he did it. Exactly. Because that thing before was weird. And Mia Farrow knew that.

I think. You know. But exactly. Once he was a creep for, yes, doing something that, well, I'll just quote Sun Yi, it's a little offbeat. That's what she said. I love that. She's like, you know, everyone's going nuts about this. Yeah, it's a little offbeat, but fuck, I mean, love is love. Sure, sure. You should be happy when you find it. And of course...

Does he not get anything for standing the test of time? They've been together 30 years. They have raised two stable children. You don't get any points for that. Yeah, well, he works with Scarlett Johansson all the time. I mean, I don't think he would be. Everybody has a screen crush, but he did seem to be particularly like, I cannot hide what a hard-on I have for this chick.

But it's, I mean, yeah, that is tricky because I think you go, oh, he knew her when she was young, therefore, you know. But I also think like,

You know, I think it's good. Forget his case. I think it's good that there's a little more awareness about pedophilia these days. I think there wasn't enough focus on it for a while. And maybe there's now, you know, people. But I'm not sure she was literally, I mean, legally underage at the time. She was close. I don't remember the exact specifics. I think when people are Asian, we just assume. Let's be honest.

They're like, she's 12. Everyone's like, she's 46. But the way they got... First of all, he knew her, yes. He was at the dinner table. He never lived with Mia Farrow. He never lived with that family. He was never their father. They didn't see him that way. Well, that's true. No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that. So then one night, he goes to every Nick game. Huge Nick fan. Floor seats, Nick. He said, and again, this is why some of his movies probably suck.

He has said in interviews, like, if I think I could get a better shot, a better second or third take, but the Nick game is starting, I'll go to the Nick game. OK.

- All right. - I like that. - But it's a little fuck you to the audience. Okay, it's like, I could make this great for you, but you know what? - It honestly, when I watch his movies, I'm like, I feel like this was for you. I feel like this was like a play you made for you. - Well, maybe more for my generation. - But like, Blue Jasmine, obsessed. Incredible. - So that was great. - Loved Blue Jasmine. Love, love, love. I also liked that he put Dice in it and showed that Dice is an amazing actor. - Right, that's that one. Yeah, that was, yeah. - It was amazing in it.

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True Detective is back. Deep in the Alaskan Arctic, two detectives are in search of answers regarding a group of missing scientists. On the official True Detective Night Country podcast from HBO, unpack each episode of True Detective after it airs with perspectives from the cast and crew, including Jodie Foster and Kaylee Reese. Listen to the True Detective Night Country podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Stream the HBO original True Detective Night Country exclusively on Maxx.

Okay, I'll be at the Hobby Center for the Performing Arts in Houston on March 2nd. And on March 3rd, Performing Arts Center, El Paso, Texas. And on March 23rd, the Jackie Gleason Theater in Miami. Come out and see me. You'll laugh your ass off. You know what used to be completely acceptable in movies? Punching a woman in the face. And I don't mean from 100 years ago. I was just watching The Verdict. You know the movie? I don't remember it. Great movie.

Probably around when you were born, 1982. That's when I was born. Perfect. It's your birth movie. David Mamet, the brilliant David Mamet. Yeah. I mean, nobody writes a screenplay like him.

paul newman like paul newman got his victory lap from that movie he'd already been a big star for a long time but i remember a cover of time magazine it was just like his big hey we've loved you all these years you're the greatest paul and then he just became salad dressing guy yeah well you know good for him good for him because you can't he got out at the right time okay so in the movie paul norman is a down on his luck lawyer you should see it it's great

The other law firm turns out the girl that Paul Newman has been fucking, she's a plant from the other law firm. Yeah, to get information. So he's very mad at her. He doesn't trust these hoes. And he just walks into this place where she's waiting for him to have a drink and just her in the face. This is 1982. 1990. Is she at least Russian?

No. 1990, the movie, oh, I can't remember the name, Richard Gere and Andy Garcia. It's great. Internal Affairs, cop movie, really good.

And Andy Garcia punches his wife in a restaurant when she's... And James Bond. Okay, this is going back, but 1969, I think. Was it Sean Connery? No, on Her Majesty's Secret Service. The guy who had a cup of coffee in the franchise, George Lazenby.

And Diana Rigg wants to go on the mission with him, but it's too dangerous. She's arguing, so he punches her in the face just to shut her up so he can get out the door and go on the mission by himself. - The thing that's so amazing about this is like-- - I'm just saying-- - When you see it in the movie, it's one second, right? And it's just a quick scene, move on. We've made movies.

This is a script that's been around for years. They had to bring in a stunt coordinator. They had to practice this stunt for days. They had to shoot 50 takes from 50 angles. They had many times to rethink this. 200 people were sitting around like, yeah, this is working. That's so great. That's exactly the point I'm always trying to make.

Everybody was looking at it, was a part of it, and nobody thought it was wrong. I do this theme all the time. You know, slavery in the Bible. Million rules against it. None of them are. Just don't do it. Well, it's like Justin Trudeau, that blackface. Many people were involved. Same thing. He has no friends. No one was like, are you sure? Right. They were putting it on his hands. Everybody thought it was cool. Yeah. So if everybody did, you just can't.

- Pick like that. - I'm obsessed with when people say, "Is Hollywood creepy?" I'm like, "Mm, you mean the business that was built on the back of a four-year-old toddler named Shirley Temple?" Yeah, it's a spooky business. I don't know if you've rewatched a Shirley Temple movie lately. - I wouldn't say the business was built on her back. And why, did they abuse her? - I mean, when you watch these movies, have you seen-- - I've never seen a Shirley Temple. - That's a good thing.

Good answer. I was not interested. Well, first of all, some younger people don't even know who we're talking about. She was a child star of the 30s. Is that probably, yeah? Yeah. But she's so sexy. I mean, she's like twerking on these men. She's always at war. Twerking? Dude, she's always at war or on a ship with a bunch of men. There's no mom in sight. There's no mom in sight.

There's no babysitter or aunt. Right. It was adorable. I don't know what. See? She had dimples, and she's in these little outfits. Yeah. But I don't think they saw anything perverted about it. This was the 1930s. If you watch Good Ship Lollipop. Good Ship Lollipop. She's licking lollipops on top of semen, right? Semen? Yeah. She's dancing on them. There's 50 minutes.

50 men on this ship. Really? Yes. They're holding her, passing her around, and at the end, they take a cake, and they put the cake in her face, and she has, like, icing on her face. Dude, it's wild. Oh, I have to watch this. No, it's bonkers. And watching it, I'm like, so there was no woman on set that was like, oh.

Oh, no. Her costume is like a little skirt, and then her little diaper shows. And she's, again, like four. Like, she's very young. So that means if she's shooting the movie at four, that means she got cast at like two. Well, or six, because she's probably playing younger. She's six, but she looks four. I'm six. I can play four. I can play four. Really, give me a chance. Just let me read. Just give me some of those Mary Jades. So.

So, yeah, so if she was cast, if she was shooting at six, that means she was cast for the movie at like four. Because you have to understand, there's rehearsals, there's costume fittings. Okay, but she was a big star for... Someone said make the skirt shorter. Okay. She was a big star. You're right, she was a big star. Like, again, I'm... She was like their... She was the Marilyn Monroe of the 30s. She was... No, no, no, no. She was, I'm telling you. She was the Gal Gadot.

No one in that era, I mean, you're right. There may have been- The Sofia Vergara of the 30s. They thought that she was the, most Americans thought she was the most wholesome thing in the world. You're right. There were, I'm sure, many perverts who got off on- Would you go see a movie starring a four-year-old who was tap dancing? Yes. That's, again- What? What's the name of the show you want to do? It was a different time. It was a different time?

I was 16. It was a different time in the 1930s. Have you ever been entertained by a four-year-old? Like, have you ever genuinely been like, this is great dancing? No, but I don't like children. I've never been around children. I'm never around children. It's the one consistent thing in my life. Didn't want them, didn't like them when I was one. Don't like them now. Never got married, never wanted it. Okay. Okay.

So, but people do love children. That's like the most universal thing. They fucking love children. You know how I know they love children? Even fucking celebrities do it.

Even celebrities have children. Like you'd think, I'm a celebrity, what do I need that for? But like even they do it. - I could have a giraffe. - That's how I know that it's a powerful thing that most people like to have. - You mean having their own. - Yes. - I don't like other people's children. I think if you like other people's children-- - Lots of people like all children. - That's weird. - Just the fact that they're-- - That's weird. - Yes, if you're Michael Jackson, it's weird. - That's weird. - It's not weird. It's normal, not that one thing is better, but it's like that is more the norm. We are not the norm.

Just as far as numbers, we are not the norm. The norm is a baby comes out and nine out of 10 people will be like, oh, great, look at that, a baby. I'm like, don't get that thing within 10 fucking feet of me, or I swear to God. I think most people aren't like, oh, like I want to watch that toddler act for an hour and a half.

It's one thing to be like, that's so cute. They do. They think it's adorable. They're not going to go to a movie? Whitney. Imagine getting in a car, putting pants on, going to watch a child dance for an hour and 40 minutes. You could redo Shirley Temple today and still.

and make it a hit again. It's universal, it's timeless. People love children. They think small children are adorable. In the way I see every dog and I go, "Hello animal." And I wanna just talk to it and pet it. And I just wanna get to know every dog I see on the street. - Sure, sure.

- Okay. - And that's what people are with children. - I think, however, I find it very weird. Remember the Sound of Freedom movie that came out and it was all about the sex trafficking stuff? - Okay. - Okay, big, big, huge, huge movie. It was kind of fishy because Hollywood distributors wouldn't pick it up, but then we found out later that the guy that it was based on, he was kind of a con artist, but it was about raising awareness about child trafficking internationally, sex trafficking.

Couldn't be a more important issue. Right. Not sure if a movie or raising awareness is really going to do anything about it, but still. Yeah, it can hurt. Massively popular. People should be aware of that. Yeah, massively popular. And...

Of course it needs to happen. Very glad the movie was made, but I was kind of like, isn't it a little weird that a movie about objectifying kids cast kids to play the sex-trafficked kids in the movie? Like, what does that audition look like? - How else could you do it? - CGI, midgets, I don't know. Something else. - Puppets. - Anything else. - Claymation.

Like, I feel like we have the... Team America puppets. Don't you just find it weird that, like, child labor is outlawed, yet Hollywood uses child actor... I think child acting is just odd.

Well, prostitution is outlawed, but if you do it in front of a camera, you're a porn star. It's the same thing. You're being paid to fuck. Sure. But we're filming it, so now, you know... Also, like, acting on the street without a camera, also probably outlawed. Loitering? I mean, doing anything on the street... Oh, right. Doing any job on the street without a camera is gonna be weird. Any performing on the street. I don't think people like mimes on the street either. Jugglers.

What were we talking about? Kids being cast. I don't think kids should be in movies. Wait, Shirley Temple, I'm telling you, most of America went to see that and thought it was just adorable and delightful. In the 30s. Innocent. And you're right. That's when kids worked in factories, though. We now know they have like minds and memories and shouldn't wear makeup. Didn't JonBenét Ramsey fix this? Exactly. I think we're weird about child pageants. Did she wear makeup, Shirley Temple?

She wore blackface in a movie. Like, Jean... That's different. Trudeau level. Right, I know. Up to the lash line. Right, but that's not makeup.

I mean, it's something. And back then, I knew shoe polish. Yeah, whatever. I know, but it's not, it's a different thing. You have to wear makeup even when you don't wear makeup. Even worse. Yeah. But it's a different thing. So if Shirley Temple wasn't wearing makeup, it's fine. No, I mean, in one, she's, they're doing blackface. In the other, I'm saying, did they put makeup to make her look sexy? Like, I. Yeah. They did. Yeah, she was a sexy, she was a star.

Well, then I'm going to watch those movies. What do you mean? There's a movie of her in a diaper and another four-year-old dressed in a brothel as like a saloon horse. Have you seen all her movies? Oh, I'm a pedophile. What do you watch? You watch them on YouTube? Well, no, I've started just because I've sort of been doing forensics on child abuse.

acting in movies, 'cause I think it's kind of a horror show and wild that we do this. I got kind of obsessed with the Britney Spears thing and how we sort of like watch these children get publicly super famous and no one feels bad for someone that's famous, even though it is pretty traumatizing on the psyche and usually doesn't end well for people. - Well, you know, they really treated Judy Garland bad. - I don't know a lot about that. - Judy Garland. - Oh, oh, in "The Wizard of Oz." Speaking of getting-- - Well, I mean, she was a child star, but she was like, unlike Shirley Temple, I mean, I certainly hope

nobody abused Shirley Temple. And by the way, she grew up to be a congressperson, Shirley Temple Black. So I don't think... So she did go crazy. I don't feel like... She thought she could make an impact in government. I don't feel like she presented herself as a traumatized person. But Judy Garland certainly was. But Judy Garland was older and, like, in a more, like, in that era, like, where the studio heads fucked everybody. Well, you know she got molested by the midgets on Wizard of Oz.

This is true. Really? Yeah. Molested by the midgets? They were like drunks. Oh, right. And they would go up her skirt. Right. And then the director slapped her once because she couldn't stop laughing.

The Wizard of Oz was a very fraught production. I'm really obsessed with this. You know that the first witch had to get leave because the paint that they put burned her skin. Oh, right. The green. Yep. And then the guy that had the not the cowardly lion, the one that had the strings on his face, the scarecrow left permanent scars on his face. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, they didn't really... That was a real shit show back then. They all have, like, lung cancer. It was really all... I think the Tin Man has black lung. What do we have to do to get the shot? Has black lung. Yeah, totally. What they gave. God forbid you were an animal. Yeah.

Bad. I mean, I've heard today still like the, oh, no animals were harmed in the making. I'm like, really? Anytime there's an animal there. How did you get that horse to fall like that? Yeah. Oh, God, I don't. This is actually my off-camera big cause. Me too. Really? Yeah. And it's the one thing I can't physically make myself watch is animal cruelty. Like I never would see. I love Steven Spielberg. I would never see Seed Biscuits.

I'm not going to watch a movie about a horse. Okay, so I'm a horse. I rescue horses. Oh, you do? Yeah, that's my thing. Wow. Yeah. Rescue horses? And then during the Woolsey fires, I went up to rescue the giraffe, Stanley, that's up in Malibu Safari, which was the giraffe from The Hangover that they say is retired, and it's not. So I got very into this sort of... Retired? Yeah, just into this...

Into the who gets to have exotic animals. I mean, how many parts are there? In Hollywood, he was too old. And started showing... You stuck your neck out for him. Yeah, exactly. I did. And so I got very into that because there's a lot of animals that used to be in movies. And now that it's gone out of vogue to have animals in movies for a million reasons, there's all these animals that are really expensive to keep. So what people end up doing is like, you know...

assholes like Dan Bilzerian and stuff, and these dickhead billionaires will rent animals for private parties and stuff. They're actually being abused even more now in a lot of ways because they have to find ways to keep making money for them. Am I just losing... The men are just turning off your podcast right now. Why? There's a female comedian lecturing about animals. Oh, no, I'm so on the page with you. In fact, I'll tell you a funny story. It was at...

very, very dear friend of mine, one of the great guys in this town. But this is before he had his, you know, now he lives in a nice mansion, but he was like still in an apartment, but he was a player already. And he had this great party with all these stars and it was like a theme party, but he, like, I guess it was, I don't know, but there was a fucking camel in the lobby of the apartment building.

And I said to him, like, it's one thing. Was he Egyptian? No. Oh, that wasn't his car? No, it was just like a theme. And then there was a tiger, like, out on this porch, like his deck. I'm like, you know what? This would make sense a little, not really, but if we had to. If you lived in some big three-acre place. Sure. You're in an apartment building, and you got a camel in the lobby. Yeah.

You know, and so like I'm bitching. So I'm going around and I can't stand that these animals are here. And I'm kind of like whispering in the ear of all these people, some of whom were rather well known, about, do you really think it's cool that they're torturing these animals? And eventually he comes over and he says, you're right.

everybody's complaining, I'm going to send the animals home. And just then, Arnold Schwarzenegger walks in and he goes, I want to see the tiger. Can I tell you, do you ever get like an offer in this business that makes you question like your worth very deeply? Like I remember when I got offered Dancing with the Stars, I was like,

Like, it's over. You know what I mean? It's like, it should be just like, oh, that's so nice that they thought of me. I'm just going to pass. But instead, I was like, do I go to law school? What do I do? And I remember getting a call. Boy, that's a huge show.

Yeah, but it felt like at the time, like, oh, this is like the end of your career, which it's not the case anymore. But I just, you know. I mean, yes, you could look at it that way. But I don't I think it's just more like that's I think you should look at that positively, like you're enough of a household name of a draw.

of someone who, a broad swath of America, 'cause that is a broad swath kind of show. - Sure, sure. - And attractive and like, yeah, I would not poo poo that. It's like, you know, I got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Is it kind of douchey? Yeah, but like-- - No, that's huge. That's massive.

Please, you can buy them. I mean, it's covered in a homeless man's shit right now. And you can buy them, I think. Oh, really? I think that, I don't know, they'll probably hate me for saying this, but I feel like I've heard that. Look, this is not fact. It's what I've heard. And also, you do see some names who are just complete. I agree. I agree. Who's Herb Winstead? Yeah.

It's always a her. I think he's a guy who had three grand or something. Yeah, it is pretty. But no, many of them are, like I was thrilled to get it and yeah.

If only my mom and dad could see it. - But one time I was offered, what was it? What were we just talking about before? I remember what it was. I get the call, this was a low point. Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to talk to you about writing a movie. I'm like, the twins reboot? - Wait. - True lies? - Arnold Schwarzenegger did? - Yeah, an agent called saying, - Oh wow. - Arnold Schwarzenegger, and the movie is, what's the movie? It's a movie about his two mini horses that live in his house.

Whiskey and sugar plum or whatever the fuck. So we both have Arnold Schwarzenegger animal abuse stories. As, by the way, a political genius expert, like, I just would have loved to have a camera on you when Arnold Schwarzenegger won governor of California. I love Arnold Schwarzenegger. I've been trying to get him on this. I can't get him anywhere. I can't get him on real time. It breaks my heart because I'm such a big fan.

not just of his movies, but like, I mean, come on, talk about the immigrant experience. He came here with nothing but a loincloth and a jar of protein powder. The guy is an animal. Became the governor and the biggest star. I just think he's...

also politically very reasonable. He's a, you know, look, I remember him making that speech at some of the, one of the Republican conventions, why I'm a Republican. And it was like, it's not exactly my philosophy, but I got it. I'm an immigrant and I want to be in a place where you have total freedom and you can get as high as you want and there's not too many taxes and

Like, stop my freedom from, and the things of this nature, you know. And I just thought, it's a good sale for what a Republican should be. We do need that. And the Republicans, of course, have gone crazy off the deep end. So has the far left. Yep.

And he was like that kind of old school, very reasonable, good on environmental issues, good on social issues. You know, he's a California Republican. - I just don't remember seeing him a lot. I don't remember seeing a lot of speeches. I don't remember. - Yeah, well, you know. - Maybe I was just not engaged at the time. - Well, I'm never engaged with what the governor of our state is doing. - It's kind of a mascot role, yeah. - It's like, you know, if it's big news, I'll hear about it. - Yeah, yeah. It did feel like things were going better though when he was the governor.

Well, he got rid of the car tax. Like, what were his things? I mean...

Don't get me started on this date. I mean, look, I can hear the rain pouring out there. I know. I love it. I do, too. But it is funny that, like, for the longest time, we thought we would never have rain again, right? Mm-hmm. Here we are. Right? Didn't you... You've lived here for a... How long have you lived in California? I've lived here about 20 years now. 20 years. Okay. So you... This last drought era, where, like, it never rained and everything was brown, and you felt so bad for the coyotes and, like, anything trying to, like, get any... Yeah. And now...

It's like really, you know, we're washing away and it's like great. It's great. We need to replace the groundwater. But this is where it gets dicey because now everything's going to grow and get very lush. So next year there's going to be a higher chance for fires because it's going to all dry up. So that's when things get dicey. But I was reading somewhere that every 20 years there's a rain for 200 days and we're close to that. My first year living here, it rained every day for the first month. Whoa.

Whoa. And I saw that again 10 years later in the 90s. I love that. So it can happen. And it did teach me, I mean, I was a little gloom and doomy about the never, because it was like, okay, I get it, it's dry here. But this is like, you know, that movie where Matthew McConaughey has to figure out how we go to another planet because everything is just dry. And if anybody could figure that out, it would be Matthew McConaughey. Anyway, but like, and then,

And then it started to rain again. And it just made me think, maybe we do drive ourselves a little too crazy when we don't have to. You know what I mean? Maybe we do. I think it's like... Trump, same thing. Now, look, I back off none about how much I hate him and don't want him in office again. But, you know, if he wins again...

I can't go through the same kind of stress and I just can't ride with every bump in his road. I just have to be like-- There's got to be a level of surrender. Wake me when he does blow up the world. Yeah. Do you think there's any version of Trump's reign

being something that's gonna wake people up or, I mean, my thing is it's hard for me to talk about politics until there's some kind of election reform or like why isn't voting a national holiday? Like why isn't, you know, there's just certain things that it's like, is Trump the person to reveal all these things that need to be reformed?

Is he going to reveal the weaknesses in the system? Do you see any silver lining? It's funny because that's one of his big selling points and people love it. And it was kind of clever. I mean, he was bragging at one of the debates where they tried to get him on, you don't pay any taxes. You're so rich. And he's like,

You're right, I don't. Everybody else would have been, "Oh no, I'm..." He was like, "You're fucking right, I don't. You know what? Because I'm smart. I know how to beat the system 'cause I'm in the system. So I'm the only one who can reform the system 'cause I know the system and I beat it every time 'cause I'm the smartest." And it's like,

There was a kernel of truth in that. He does know the system, he is inside of it. He knows how to play that stupid game where the rich people do get to manipulate stuff like that. And of course he didn't reform it, that was the bullshit part of it. But somebody like that could. I mean, Franklin D. Roosevelt was a rich person. That was sort of his appeal to the Democratic Party. Like, you know, "You're the Roosevelt's? "You're fucking rich as fuck."

There's an excellent-- I mean, the Rock-- Rockefeller and the Rockefeller, same thing. Nelson Rockefeller and that family when they became-- got into politics, same thing. Like, I know it from the inside. -Right. -And I'm rich and I don't need anybody's money. -Sure, sure, sure. -So I'm the one who can-- -Kennedy. -So I'm not-- I'm not owed to anybody. -Kennedy, right. I can help the poor people 'cause I don't need money. And no one lobbyist can't buy me and corporations can't buy me. You know, there's an amazing documentary called "Hillbilly" that I think not enough people have seen that is about

sort of why Trump got elected. I have family that comes from West Virginia. And basically when Hillary said, you know, basket of deplorables, she talked about coal. In that same speech, she said, you know, we're going to move to clean energy. The coal miners did the best they could to keep the lights on, but we're going to move to clean energy. And then he put a hard hat on and he went to West Virginia. So, I mean...

you know he at least is smart enough he studied burlesconi he studied you know he studied style and he studied all these people to know like you know poor people vote and you think trump studied those people yeah i don't really i don't think he's ever studied anything it's all completely instinctive he has

notes in him that remind you of Stalin and Berlusconi and frankly Hitler. Not Hitler, kill all the Jews, Hitler, but Hitler master politician, instinctive politician who was crazy, because Trump is crazy, not, you know, like clinically kind of crazy, but has that instinct for playing on people's sense of being wounded and being owed something.

and resentment, the politics of grievance. Hitler did that too. I think he reads a lot of Robert Greene too. He does not read anything. He does not read anything. He hasn't studied any of all these theories. He's never plotted. What do you think about the syphilis theory?

- That he has syphilis? - That he got syphilis in the '80s and apparently having syphilis for over 25 to 30 years. - Why wouldn't he have treated it? - Leads to, 'cause he's crazy, leads to a certain, that kind of fluffy hair, orange skin, erratic, irrational behavior. - I mean, it's possible, but I can't believe somebody with his wealth and access to doctors would have let syphilis go untreated. - You saw that picture of his doctor though.

Remember he had a right. That crazy guy. That guy might've missed it. Right. Yeah. You're right. Maybe that's his Achilles heel because he also had this other, I remember we quoted it once in an editorial, this lady there is a, you know, just shows anybody can get an MD, some crazy lady he was listening to around the time he got COVID. Yeah. And she was like,

I mean, she was way off into, I think, something like Space Invader kind of stuff. So, yeah, maybe he's just an eccentric who doesn't go to a normal medical doctor. Remember how Steve Jobs would only eat orange food or something and he wouldn't get his cancer treated? Well, he got... Okay, Steve... Narcissism does wild things. That's not fair to Steve Jobs. Steve Jobs did make a...

Critical error, which he ignored. By the way, I think I conflated him with Billy Bob Thornton just now. No, no. Was it Billy Bob Thornton, the one that only eats orange food? I don't know. I've never heard that, but it sounds like something that I could think of a hundred celebrities that would apply to. Okay, so, but Steve Jobs, there was some eccentricity in the medical. Well, Steve Jobs got pancreatic cancer and he tried to handle it organically. I understand that because...

I primarily go to a holistic doctor. I think you have to have a Western doctor. And there's Western doctors who I also appreciate and use very much because you need both. But he took a hard-- there's an impossible choice.

The survival rate of pancreatic cancer is like super low. It's very low. So if you do what they normally do, which is-- it's like, well, we don't know-- plainly, they don't know how to deal with it, Western medicine. Sure. So he was like, well, if that's a sure thing,

I'm out. Why not try the other thing? I get really interested. But that didn't work either. I get interested when something that works really well for somebody in their work or personal life, you know, then is applied to another area. Of course, the person who's like, this is how phones should be. And this is how, you know, he was such a perfectionist and, you know, he would drop.

the first eye, what was it, the eye touch or whatever it was, those tiny little things, they would say, this is the smallest, we can get it. And then he dropped it into an aquarium and then a little bubble came out and he went and could get smaller. There's air in there, you know, that kind of mind. And then they stopped production on everything that they were doing. They were like, well, we've already made millions of these. Let's just release this. And, you know, the next iteration we'll make smaller. And he goes, that's what other people would do. That's not what we're going to do. We're going to hold it for a year.

And then when you get to his medical care, he's got the same whatever mentality that makes him a genius in business is limiting in his personal life. I've seen guys who were like geniuses in business. This happens a lot. Who with women?

were like beyond our word. Yeah. Retarded? You said it, not me. I did say it. Retarded. Retarded. Yeah, it's a word you really need. I think we might have to claw that one back. I don't know.

I don't think it's ever left. We're not insulting anybody. No. It just is a... Language is a living... We're running out of problems as a society, and we're making up fake ones, it seems like. That too. But language is a living, breathing organism. That's why Shakespeare is almost...

You need a guidebook to read. When I was in school-- There's too many words that aren't the same. Like teachers would say. Of course. It's in movies. So it's like, so I think that when you get on the self-righteous bullies, that's where I just go like, oh, this is the only way you could defeat me in anything, so this is what you're going to use? Exactly. I'm not doing this, you fucking dork. Play fair.

Because everything that you're saying today is the right thing to say in 10 years is going to be offensive. What were we talking about? Something was-- We were at Chief Jobs. Oh, your friends that are business geniuses that are retarded with women, are they single? Oh, with women.

I'm available. I like retarded men. As long as they don't trip and fall. As long as they're not clumsy, we're good. Can they walk down a street in New York without taking a dirt nap? But yeah, there is that for sure, which is why I had asked about Bezos earlier. Like, you cannot believe how inept. Like, wow. You have this... It's so interesting about human beings. You could have this amazing...

amazing aptitude in this other area. Superpower that's a liability. Like you see them just, they cannot talk to a girl, present themselves. They just...

Yeah, I'm glad I wasn't a genius in anything so that I could like... I bet it'd be very hard to date you. I'd be intimidated to date you. I'd be afraid that you... Yeah, I'm a day at the beach. I mean, as long as you accept me, that's the thing, is that women, it's like it's...

Acceptance, especially as you get older. I would say the two attributes I really prize in this period of my life, comfort and acceptance. I don't want to be uncomfortable. I backpacked through Europe when I was 21, but I'm quite a different... But I find that you probably have very little patience for irrational behavior, and so much love is irrational. Actually, I'm super... I mean, look, I don't want to get too...

I don't like to reveal too much. I do. Let's go. But, you know, I would say having, yes, we talked about this, where it dated, like, in a way that was not age appropriate. You would be amazed at how much patience I, like, that is what brought out patience in me. Like, somebody who was, like, much younger than me, if they didn't understand something or know something, it was like...

I completely understand that. There's no reason why you should, and I'd be happy to help you understand that if you want me to, but I never pushed that on you. That was the Woody Allen character. "I want you to read these books." It was like, I never wanted to be that guy.

who's saying, you're not smart enough, you have to learn something. No, no, no, no. I learned so much from people who were not age appropriate that I would never know about our culture. Sure. Shit about the phones and slang and what people are doing. I mean, that's how I learned. Okay. And I want to learn. I don't want to be cut off from, but I'm not on social media. Sure. I don't see it on my phone. How do you meet women? Do people set you up? Well, let's not. We are not.

We are not talking about that at all. There's no women in my life, Whitney. I am dedicated to-- - Greg Pfleister, what are we-- - My mission is to heal America. That takes all my energy and concentration. - I do, I do, you do have a mysteriousness about you. - Good. - But it's not negative in any way. It's very sophisticated. It's like, I feel like you take a lover

Do you know what I mean? You're like Winston Churchill, just in a bathtub. - Well, I hope I'm more appealing than Winston Churchill. - I feel like they know the deal, you know the deal, and you're very adult and fair about it. - I'm much more romantic than that. - Oh, nice. That feels right. - Yeah, but-- - I feel like you don't make messes though. You just-- - Correct. Here's the thing, don't lie to women.

can i tell you don't lie to women they don't like it i don't blame them for liking it i hate it also when people lie to me just don't lie to them in any way and that can be lie by commission or lie by omission because you can lie by omission that's right be honest with yourself see i went through phases there was a time when i was still lying but it wasn't like outright lies

Well, if you're lying to yourself, is it a lie? I mean, an outright lie is, you know, a guy who's married, I'm not married. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was never my lie. Okay. Then there's the sly lie, which is like, you know, when I was maybe 25 or 30 and a girl would...

I was trying to fuck with saying, you know, she likes kids, do you like kids? And I knew I hated kids. But I wouldn't say, oh, no, I fucking hate kids because I knew I'd never get anywhere with it. So I would be like, well, not right now. But, you know, maybe. Sounds whole hate. Okay. And then there's just like at a certain point you don't lie and it's really the way to go. I agree. Vagueness is the enemy. The main thing that makes women mad at you is if you lie to them. And I don't blame them.

And I think women are actually more reasonable than a lot of people. The people that I think are like, women are nuts. I'm like, well, did you lie to them? Of course. No, they really are reasonable. I mean, in general. In general. I mean, there's certainly plenty of nuts. If you treat them in an adult way, I don't think you're even going to get to a point where you're lying to someone who's nuts. You probably wouldn't even let that get that far. I got to tell you, you know, we all talk in the small community we're in. And, you know, I always...

heard, not always, but sometimes heard like, oh, Whitney, you know, she's kind of crazy. I couldn't find you more sane talking to you. I never really talked to you. I couldn't find you more sane. You seem to be completely like in charge of your shit. I would love to know the people who said that because I think that...

I will prepare a list. I love a jarring compliment like that. And it's like, you know, everyone says you're an asshole. No, not an asshole. It fascinates me. Not an asshole. Just like the crazy girl. Like you know when you... Like you could be crazy. I think it's from things you yourself said. On stage? Probably, of course. Yeah. Okay.

Okay. I think that's where it comes from. Okay, yeah. So be any female comedian is crazy. You know, it's like I go to strangers for love. No, that's not true. Roseanne, that wasn't her thing. No, no one thinks she's crazy. No, she is. But I'm saying, but her theme wasn't I'm crazy. Her theme was I'm a put-up

blue-collar housewife. Right. And what choice do I have? And when I defend myself, I think we're also at a point where if you say something sane, you sound crazy. And I think a lot of times in comedy, when you have boundaries or work hard, people think you're crazy. You know, like, I always work really hard. I show up. I say hi to everybody. But I'm really usually not there to socialize for the most part. I'm really focusing on being on stage. I, like, don't drink. I don't smoke weed at work. So I think people have always looked at me as this kind of, like, workaholic, super ambitious...

And then I never dated a comedian. I kind of just had this Darwinian instinct that was like, do not piss where you eat. Very smart. Well, people are already saying that you're sleeping with people. Very smart. Because, again, you'd be in such a no-win. First, I mean, if you fucked one...

What's gonna happen if you break up? Then people are gonna start taking sides. Now you've started a war. I'm already nervous enough in this hallway. And if you ever fuck two, then you're a slut who fucked everybody. Yeah, and then you'll die of AIDS. Right. That was very smart to keep that ledger clean. And who needs them? And it's like this.

Like, this is a... I'm sure there were better pickings, right? You dated some high-profile people. I mean, I think for me, it was always just kind of like, this is hard enough, and this... I always saw it as a workplace. Right. You know, I'm going to see this person every night.

for the next 30 years, hopefully. You mean because you still go to the club? Yeah. Yeah, this is the gym. This is, you know, I come here every night, so I'm going to be seen. You do? You still do that? Still do. Still do it. So many of you guys do that. I mean, I just don't get it. But I think that you doing your show is, in a way, that's what you're doing. I don't have time, my guy.

But that's what you're doing in a way. You have an audience, and you're working on jokes, and that's kind of your-- Yeah, yeah, yeah. --workout in a way. It's much more polished. But I think it's interesting because part of the reason I still go to the clubs is something that I didn't anticipate is-- because I think I can sometimes write at home and go, like, this is going to work. I have a general idea of what's going to work and what's not going to work. But what sometimes I haven't updated my software on is how I'm perceived by the audience.

You know, because I think the more successful you get, the more known you get. People see you as elite or they see you as rich or they see you as successful. So this joke about like, you know, of the way you perceive yourself, that's funny because your perception is going to be a little bit incongruous with the audiences. And then it's like, oh, that kind of bombed. Oh, because they think that I could have any man I want or whatever. You know what I mean? Or they're like, what do you mean when you were sitting in coach? Like you fly coach? Right.

You were on Southwest? And then I'm like, why is this bombing? And someone will tell you, they'll be like, it just didn't occur to me that you fly Southwest. And so of course I do. So I think it's sometimes just making sure you're self-aware, if that makes sense. It so makes sense.

- Yeah, again, you have hurdles I don't have to think about. - Okay, so who else called me crazy? I really like this game. - I honestly can't think of anybody specifically. You just get a, and I'm sure with, you think I don't know what people are saying about me? Of course I do. - You know what's weird? - And it's fine. - You know what's weird? I've always been intimidated by you.

But I don't it's interesting. Where did that come from? Nowhere from what people say? It's just that well, no, it's I'm a fan and I watched you and you're ferociously smart and you do this thing that that when someone says something dumb. Yeah. You cannot fake it. No. And you do this thing where you'll just go.

Okay. Like, you'll just, like, it'll throw you and you'll decide in your head it's not even worth arguing about this because I see you, like, deliberating and vacillating whether you should even retort it. And so you just go...

Okay. I should let it go more than I do because it'd probably be helpful in getting guests. I love it because I think for you, and I know you don't want to bring it up, but an interview you did recently, you were saying, I think, what smart people were thinking. And I think if you weren't, it would be like, Bill, why are you doing this show where you're hanging out with somebody and you're being fake? That should be the whole show.

That should be all the show is saying what smart people are thinking. It's saying what smart people are thinking. And that's what you're doing. It's almost like mystery science theater. Like I'm watching you sort of like narrate because I'm listening. And it's almost like, you know, when you're watching a, you know, a horror movie and you're like, he's behind you. It's so frustrating to see the killer behind and the person doesn't know. And it's like, well, Bill, we're tuning in because he's our smartest friend. And to watch someone else.

like swindle him mentally or get one over on him what a great phrase what's the point like you know you can't hoodwink bill so it's funny to just watch someone try to make a point with you and you go well that's not true and i like it it's there's a cringy awkwardness to it well i mean if it's almost gets back to what we're saying about relationships and when make people mad at you

Just don't lie to me, and I'll be the best host. But as soon as I smell your bullshit, then I'm going to stop the--

Ferris wheel and make you get off and buy a cotton candy and then tell you you're full of shit or I mean, I like these kind of guests We had this the governor of New Hampshire on Friday night and you know happy warrior Republican can take a punch You know loves it when you just a lot of them are like that especially the Republicans they do not want

It's almost a badge of honor to get called on their shit because they're still sticking to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So whatever bullshit he was saying. And he's like, I love it. That's, to me, a great guest because I can do that without worrying about...

You know, I don't want snowflakes. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no. And so, you know, you're not going to get everybody to come on a show like it. Certainly not most celebrities. Not that we want most celebrities because they're too stupid to do it. You could do it. You're smart about this shit. What? Politics. Politics.

My thing about politics is kind of, I mean, I grew up in D.C. I grew up half in D.C., like not being able to get home because Madeleine Albright was, you know, like just, I went to school with like diplomats' kids and lobbyists' kids. That's interesting. So in a weird way, I kind of, you know. Private school? My mom, I went to both. I went to a lot of schools, got kicked out of a bunch of them. My mom did public relations for Neiman Marcus in D.C., so like the diplomats' wives would come in.

And I grew up in Neiman Marcus and in Bloomingdale. She worked at a department store. So I would kind of see these people from a very early age as like human beings that were rude to the lady at the store, that were rude to the girl at the makeup counter. I'd go to a friend's house at school and the mom was a lobbyist who was a drunk. I saw them as like human beings who were like bad parents and just shitty people. So I kind of always...

you know, had a bad taste in my mouth for politicians in general and never quite understood what kind of person wants that job, you know? Well, different types. There are really sincere ones. They tend to be more Democrats. I'm not just...

being biased, I think that's really true. Democrats are interested in the field of government, just like someone wants to be a cardiologist. And then don't you think sort of like any fields, you know, don't they say that at the top of any field, like 30% of people are sociopaths or something? Is it...

- That would be insane. 30%? - I think it's pretty high in like business. - Well, refresh my memory on sociopath as opposed to psychopath. - So apparently this is where I shine.

You know a lot about politics. I know a lot about mental disorders. And it used to be, because also all these terms change every couple years, right? So I said multiple personality disorder the other day. You're not supposed to say that. And you're also not supposed to say spaz. Really?

I was calling myself a spess. Can you say that? I'm sure. It's fine. I can't spell it, but I can say it. And psychopath and sociopath, it used to be the main difference was that a psychopath had an awareness that you were onto them, so they would overcompensate with grandiose gestures in some way, right? Whereas sociopaths just lack empathy, and they don't really care if you sort of know or not, right? Which one is Trump?

- It's all of them. - He might be cluster B. I think there's something called cluster B, which is like borderline sociopathy and has like parasitic narcissism in it. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. I can't stand how these days people are like, he's a narcissist and he love bombed me and he's toxic. And you're just like, okay, none of these are real terms. Like is this Instagram psychology? - Have you ever been love bombed?

I hope so. I mean, also, girls are like, he loved Bobbi and then disappeared. I'm like, yeah, he met you. He liked you in the beginning, and then your personality revealed itself, and then he left you. That's on you.

You started to suck and he moved on to someone else. He's a narcissist. Oh, you're mad because he stopped taking photos of you in front of a wall of painted wings for your Instagram? Who's the narcissist here? Like, what is this thing now when relationship goes bad, the other person is either a narcissist, toxic, or love bombed? He broke up with you. It happens. Right.

I don't know what to tell you. He gaslit me. No. What? He liked you and then he didn't. Right. He wanted to like you. Right. I don't know what to tell you. You're right. I mean, I can't believe how well you're channeling the male. Sorry. No, you're channeling the male point of view in a way I've not heard a woman channel.

Well, I think you do something that I really appreciate, which is that you're like a liberal that calls out liberals. Oh, yeah. And I'm a woman that calls out women. Yes. Because I think, I don't think it's fair to anyone to be like, no, the girl in the Rose All Day shirt knows what she's talking about. Right. You know, like she's a fucking mess. You're a mess. Right. You know, like I always say, like you guys think women are crazy. Like we see the text messages she didn't send. No.

No, I remember you mentioned the Me Too movement. I'm probably saying too much here, but I remember... Okay, so this is 2017. Okay, so eight years ago. Come on, give me a break. I was a completely different guy. It was a different time. It was a different time, and this completely different guy was going out with this... I was probably dating a lot at that moment. That's what I heard. So, like...

I was just amazed. Like, I would say to some women who I knew at the time, like, who were younger, you know, Harvey Weinstein. And they'd be like, who? Wait, what? You were just hanging out with him and you'd just say his name? No, we'd be talking. Oh. We're talking. I love to talk.

- And you would just bring up Harvey Weinstein? - Well, we talk about everything. People talk. - Oh. - You know, we're sitting at my bar in my living room, smoking a joint, having a drink and talking. - And what would they say about Harvey? Did they know? - Well, that's the thing. Like, at first it was like, "Who's that?" - Oh, okay. - Like, it was so not on their radar and so, like, something they didn't give a shit about. And then when I explained how, who he was and what he did, their reaction was always skepticism of the women.

And I had to explain to them, no, sweetheart, I'm telling you, I get where you're coming from, but no, this is really a bad dude. No, he really is a monster. Well, he didn't rape me, so it must not be true. And then they got it. I do, honestly, if a guy wasn't a creep to me, I have a hard time believing he was a creep to anyone else, which is very messed up. When someone's like, Russell Brand was a creep, I'm like, I met him, he was fine.

I've met him too. And if he didn't harass me, he must not. Me? He was great. He didn't harass me? Right. If he could resist around me, I'm pretty sure he could resist around you. It's just us calling the victims ugly. Women have egos too. More than one time, not a lot more than one, but a few times, I remember having a date with somebody and I wasn't feeling it.

So it was just fine. We just went through the night and then good night. And, you know, we kind of both knew, I think, at that moment that there wasn't, you know, it was fine. It was Ann Coulter. Yeah, there was... No. Nobody liked that. I would never date anybody like that. And then, like, I heard sometime later them say that, oh, yeah, we went out, but I dumped him or something. And it's like...

No, you just-- I did not-- I did not want to date you after I went out with you once. But your ego had to say,

that you made the choice. Sure. You know, there's that too on the woman's side. Of course. Which is fine. Of course. But I've heard that a couple of times. Something I knew was a flat-out lie of how that ended. It was like, okay. Whatever you need to believe. Right. If you need to believe that. You know what, Bill? What? Let her have it. Oh, I do. Let her have it. I totally am. You get to live in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I'm just saying. I'm making a point. Women have egos too.

I'm trying to think if I have done that. Yeah, it's tricky though because it's like, you know, when you start dating someone, you're like, this is either going to end or keep going. Either way, this is a nightmare. Hot girls don't want to fuck everybody, but they want to know that everybody wants to fuck them. Like, I've seen girls like, you know, just like...

There was an old actor on the Ed Sullivan show, the guy who spun the plates. And he would like, there'd be like eight plates and you have to keep going from one to the other to keep them all spinning on the end of these big poles. And I remember this girl who just liked the improv and she would just like keep like eight guys around the room. She could go and give a guy like two minutes of her undivided attention. Yeah, totally. And it would be like a, and then she'd go like.

And it's also tricky because you're like, oh my God, he wants to sleep with me. But he also would fuck a doll. You know what I mean? He would also fuck a pillow. Course. Classic. You're not Jewish, right? You know what? I am a quarter. Just found this out. Quarter. Mom's dad. Texas Jew. So one of your grandparents? One of my grandparents. Yeah, Ashkenazi.

- Uh-oh, what happened? - No, I just, I always thought it was amazing that Nazi is in Ashkenazi. What are the odds? - Interesting. - Like, it's complete coincidence that NAZI, where else do you see that? - Except Ashkenazi. - Except in Ashkenazi and Nazi. - What does Nazi mean? We don't say Ashkenazi, say Ashkenazi. - Right. - Are the Nazis Nazis? - No, it's completely coincidental. - Huh. - Nazi stands for a national,

Socialist Party, whatever it is in German. Zany idiots? No, that's just how it turns out. I love that that just broke down to something super goofy. Yeah. There's something wild that happens. I feel like the day you turn 40, you become obsessed with Hitler. That's what happened to me. Oh, it happened long before that for me. Well, when I was, see, when I was a kid, I was a...

I'm the child of World War II veterans. Whoa. And like in the 60s, mid-60s, when I was a little kid, the television shows were about World War II. It was only 20 years old. It was still by far the biggest thing that ever happened. And that generation was now in, they were like the millennials. Yeah. Because they were kids when they were in the war in the 40s. Now it's the 60s. They're 40. Can you imagine this generation being drafted? No. No.

And they're studying it. I mean, they can't survive a TikTok challenge. Right. They're eating Tide parts. Well, the thing is that the military is a little different. There is always going to be people in this country, I hope,

who are the military types and i mean that in a really complimentary way no people who are you know same thing as in politics there are people who do it for the right reasons i mean there are after 9 11 plenty of people just guys were just like nope

That's a bridge too far. Yeah. And we need to kick somebody's ass. Yeah, fair. So there will still be military types, but yes, they need more than that. You can't just have, you need to, when the shit hits the fan, you need to like, like sometimes draft people. And that kind of person who had to be drafted, no, that person is not going to survive the military. No. Or some will, maybe like,

you know, two out of eight will. I could see that. But-- so you got obsessed with Hitler early. Well, because World War II was like the big thing. That was Hogan's Heroes, and it was-- Sure. --McHale's Navy-- Nash. --on the shows.

That was Korea. Oh, was it? That was later and about the Korean War. Oh. So. See? So, yes. So, like, and, you know, mom and dad were over there. My mother gave me a German bayonet that they had. That's not on the wall. No. I think, I remember my father saying we

We were going through, there was some other shit like that that they had. Also, how did she give it to you? Like quickly? Well, that's the thing. I remember her, very few memories of this early on, but I remember when I was seven, I must've been aware of it because I wanted it badly. And I remember she said, you can have it when you're 13. And I remember thinking at seven, I do remember this.

You know, like, I'll never be 13. And it's interesting. I'll never get there. Right. I mean, when you're seven, you're like, why don't you tell me I'll get it when I'm a thousand? Yes, yes, yes. It is so wild. And now six years is like. Nothing. It'll go like. Nothing. It'll be like in two seconds, I'll be six years older. That is so fascinating. And I hope you'll still be here. That is so crazy. But that is a kind of a suave. Yeah.

And wrap up. Oh, are we? Oh, are we? Well. I was just getting into this bayonet. I don't know how to dismount from this thing. I'm just more worried about spreading my legs for this camera. Give me a bro hug. Oh, so we just have a cookie. Hey, dude. Ow! Like, ow! Ow!