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That's what an artist has to do. You have to have the guts to kill your children. I've killed many with this movie, so yes. I didn't know that's where this conversation would go, but there you have it. That's the whole reason I'm having you here. I want to be kind of a godfather to your kids. You were on Politically Incorrect, right? I was. Do you remember that sign behind you? Yes.
i mean it looks very much of the era that it was when we filmed it you mean the font yeah is that a 90s yeah exactly it looks it screams maybe yeah i can't i mean i'm sure that the kids who are watching are like you know yeah that's a million years ago it's funny because 90s i was old enough where that was sort of like
you know, 60s is my 90s. Yeah. Like, that's like, oh, real different. It might have been early 2000s, but it was still trickling. No, no, it was the 90s. I mean, that was... No, but I'm saying, like, I graduated high school in 93, I think,
I think I was on with you when I was a grown-up. So maybe it was a different sign. That was the year the show started. Is that right? Yeah. Oh, look at that. But you were on Blossom. I was on Blossom, correct. Yeah, until 95 or so. Who's it like to be a child star? It's weird. I'll bet it is. I can't even imagine. I mean, there's different ways that people are child stars. Some of them start when they're three. That was not my story. So I was very startled by it. I started acting when I was 11.
Oh, well, yeah. I was like a wise old 11-year-old. Well, I mean, you are wise. That's your, I mean... Correct. Yeah. I wasn't. Well, I mean, you're, like, known as, like, I always think when they cover Jeopardy, like, they cover it like it is the summit between Hirohito and Napoleon. People are like, do you know all that stuff? I'm like, no, that's actually not my job. I have to pronounce it. Like...
But there is an interest in it that goes so far beyond, obviously, the people who watch it. Because the only people who watch it are people who know things, which is like a category of knowledge, knowing things. - It's very special knowledge. - That is shrinking. It didn't used to be. No, really, I feel like when I was a kid, there was something called common knowledge, which extended not just to, you know, don't let roaches breed in the paper bags,
But like, you know, basically how many people were on Earth, you know, the seven continents, how a bill becomes a law. Right. Knowing things, which I feel like is so out of style now. It's very out of style. But, you know, also, you know, I've been surprised. But not on your show. No, but I've been surprised at the...
then the number and the type of people that do seem to enjoy jeopardy I get a lot of I watch it with my grandmother sure course my grandparents wouldn't have watched Jeffrey that wasn't their jam you know I love when people tell me that they watch it with a family member no really my shot it's that I feel like wow they're not that I'm you know you're solving world problems but
The idea of people having a communal show, like when I was a kid, we all did. I mean, we all had to because there was not that many channels. There's also not much to do in the world. No. Like at night, you would watch TV. Of course. There was no internet. That's what I mean. And you certainly didn't want to talk to your family. No. So you would watch a show and everybody would go to bed. But honestly, I also feel like there was great love there.
and communion that happened within the family because you were communally enjoying something. You just feel it, you don't have to say it. You're watching Ed Sullivan, Alan King comes on, the parents like him, and me as a young kid looking to be a comedian, we're like, "Okay, he's a little corny." But no, Alan King was hip. He had the old Borscht Belt way, but he was a hip guy.
My grandparents watched Lawrence Welk. Yeah, of course. Which they pronounced Velk. Right. Lawrence Velk. Yeah, but I feel like when somebody says to me,
Like you said, I watch it with my mother or it's my father's favorite show or whatever. My kid, sometimes I get, my son is 16 and he loves you. I'm like, oh, okay, so he's not a typical 16, right? Just like your show. It's like, oh, this dwindling set of people in the country who know things. Right. Like there is still stuff for them. Correct.
Jeopardy is for people who still want to know things. That should be their new ad campaign. Even if you don't know the answers, of course you don't know all the answers. Well, I guess you do. I just have them in front of me. Right, but you would do well. No. No? No. Come on. First of all, answering things like that under pressure and with a timer, it's not going to happen for me. I was on Celebrity Jeopardy. It's hard.
I remember it now this is my God, thinking back to like I should have been more mature but I know I was like 40 and I remember I just wore a shirt that the network didn't like what was it like that became right from the club was was like club sure. What's a bill Mark loves 1997. Okay, God you don't ask I mean I
Did they make you put a blazer over it? No, but I just remember... It's funny the things that stick in your mind, right? I remember very little about the show except that I remember thinking, what? I'm doing it and I know the answer and I can't win. And also I have... What is that? What do you mean? There's a rhythm.
that winners get into. And there's a huge psychological component of being psyched out. And if you get something wrong, it can feel really debilitating. I would cry, I think. But the knowledge that I have is, it's not necessarily jeopardy knowledge. There are categories, like obviously I'm trained in science. I can feel pretty confident about the science categories.
I am a crossword puzzle person. Me too. Sometimes there's crossword categories. I have a minor in Hebrew and Jewish studies, so anything in that realm. But it's a different kind of knowledge. Like, 18th century British poets. Yeah. I don't know. There were definitely... I could do a little bit of... I remember a little bit of a... I mean, I was an English major. Okay, so maybe you would do well with those. Yeah, I mean...
Could you confuse me if it was Shelley or Byron? Well, that's exactly the point. You're going to get confused on Jeopardy by things like that. Like who? Oh, no. You're already seeing that's already a problem. You will not be writing the questions. The phrase, the desire of the moth for the star.
was written by... All right, show off. Okay. Was written by this romantic... There you go. 19th century British poet. Too many words. Doesn't fit on the screen. Who is it? Who is Shelley? There you go. Percy Bysshe Shelley. Who is Shelley? But see, what I've known in my years is that your mind...
when you're sleeping or something, it moves the furniture. And so you can be so sure that you remember something accurately. And then it's like, no, it's Byron. I would have bet the house it was Shelley, but it's Byron. Yeah, so that's, yeah. And again, the vast majority of people out there are like,
who these 2 fucking assholes you're talking and that's what I'm saying the people who know things that's right. Well, I just can't share them we send them a shout out of love to them because first of all I feel maybe this is just instinct but like
To keep the world running and not dying, I feel like this sect of people who know things, not just technically, but wisdom-wise, is gonna be helpful. - I try to avoid the news for the most part because I'm not a fan of how it comes at me.
and often what happens when I read it. But I do have, you know, a team of people in my life and we... A team. We have a news updates channel on our messaging and so, you know, I hate to say it, but a lot of times they'll say like, oh, there was a shooting or like, God forbid, you know, because then I know don't post something dumb. Like, don't be like, hey, here's me with my, you know, cat. So,
So the other day, two pieces of news came at me in one message. Biden is running again and Harry Belafonte died. Yes. And at first I was like, are these two things related? The answer is no. No. Well, first of all, here's a really interesting stat. Yes, the average age now, I like the media, whatever they call that word,
women are usually a little longer than men. - Yes. - Right. So the average age for a woman is like 79 or something, and a man is 76 or something. - Right. - Here's the key one. If you make it past 40, the average age to you live to is 86.
- Wait, wait, wait, hold on. - Because what they're factoring in is people who die in childbirth. - Got it. - You know, you get kicked by a horse when you're six. - It happens, yeah, yeah. - It happens. - Got it. - It used to happen a lot. - Oh wait, so say that again? If you lived as quick-- - If you get to 40, then your average age to die at is 86. Isn't that--
a big difference. Doesn't that change your view of life? Aren't you glad you came here to Club Random? I'm very glad I came. This is indeed random, but, you know, statistics are important and the way they're presented tells a very different story. It just makes you think, I mean...
I don't know. Makes me think Biden's just going to be average at the end of his next term. I wasn't even thinking about Biden. I was thinking about me. Because we made it past 40, both of us. Well, fuck Biden, right. No, this is what I was, when he was first elected, people, I had a couple people that I knew said, I've got the inside tip. She's going to take over in a month. Yeah, right. And I was like, maybe that'll happen. It didn't happen. And it was running again.
Not only did it happen, but he doesn't sniff ladies' hair anymore. He doesn't molest small children. Stop. He doesn't do that head bump thing, that weird fucking conehead thing where I don't know what he was doing. But he used to be a very touchy-feely. I'm quite convinced there was nothing nefarious in it. He's just that guy. You know, everybody should take a tip from... You've seen the Keanu Reeves pictures? No. No.
He won't touch a woman in a picture. Who? Keanu Reeves. His arm is always hovering. You haven't seen this? I don't blame him. This is a thing you have to look up. Every picture of him, he's hovering. You know where my hands are? I take pictures like this. Mine are above so you can see my hands.
Forget Hover. This is a thing. And so, you know, whatever. You see things that people post. It's a thing. And there was a collection of photos where you could see that his hand, you know, from the front, it would look like a lovely picture with you and Keanu Reeves. You know, he's posing with this one. He's posing with that one. And the hand is a safe distance away. Well, I mean, you know, sometimes people do that for their relationship in their life. Like, I think Tom Hanks.
never, you never see him sucking face, right? Think of every role he's done. That's really interesting. Some girl cupping his balls. Nope. I mean, I rewatched Splash recently. I think there's some kissing in that.
That may be before he was married. That was a long time ago. You're right. I'm dating myself. Well, I remember the movie quite well, yes. But you must have been a kid. I saw that movie so many times. I loved that movie. Splash? Loved it. But it was not when it was out in the theater. I saw it in the theater. I mean, I was born in 75. I don't remember what year Splash came out. I believe, I'm going to say 85.
- Two or four. - Yeah, I probably saw it in the theater. - Yeah, I guess you could, I'm sure. - Yeah, and then it was like one that we would rent and then I showed it to my kids recently and I thought, boy, that doesn't really hold up in this climate, does it? - What do your kids think of a movie like that? Or Tom Hanks never, 'cause you know, with the camera, 'cause he's so pussy whipped. - No, what was funny about, I don't know, well, you know. - No, it's sweet. - I think, you know, it was funny because it's kind of like when,
When I first saw the little mermaid, I didn't see the little mermaid when it first came out. - You've never seen it. - Right, so I finally watched it as a grownup and I thought to myself, well that's interesting. She gives up her life for a dude that she doesn't even know. - The mermaid does? - Yeah, and then she can't even walk when she gets on land. - What's the plot? - It's devastating. - What's the plot? - She's got this beautiful voice. - Wait. - She meets this guy. - Wait, she's a mermaid. - She's a mermaid, sorry. - So how does she meet the guy?
He's on a boat. I don't know. I don't remember. Really? So she has this unbelievable voice. Doesn't he have to get in the water? She can't get out of the water, right? She's peeking. This is really not the important part of the story. No, it is. I promise it's not. It has to be the important part because my guess is that every romantic story needs an obstacle. I'm guessing the obstacle is she needs to live underwater and he can't.
can't live underwater. Am I wrong? You're 100% right. But the solution is if she gives up her voice, feminist take note, she's this beautiful singing voice. If she gives up her voice, she can live on the land with him. But P.S., Hans Christian Andersen, she can't walk. So she's crippled, mute, and they fall in love.
She does it? She goes and she can't speak and they fall in love. So at the end, she's living on land? Right. So if you look at Splash, you realize, oh, she can't speak. So, wait. She's this mermaid who comes to life. Okay, I'm interested in the end of this movie. Like, is it, do we see her on land living the life? I think so. I don't remember very well, but yeah. Like,
But in the original story, it is like walking on glass. So they're looking for a building with good ramps. No, in the animated version. It's really up to code on disabled. No, in the animated version, I think everything's great and they live happily ever after because that's what we want. But in the original story, she gives up her voice. She lives on the land and like, look, I can love him, but also it feels like glass when you walk.
If they remade it, it would be... If they sold it the way we sell movies now, I think it could do very well because she's a person with a disability. She's a person with a disability. She's a woman with no voice. We got a lot of groups might like this, the narrative of like, how do we empower her? We're checking a lot of boxes here. Let's do that. You and me are redoing the little remade. Here's how Hollywood works. Let's check the boxes first. That's right. Then...
We'll do a script. But the boxes first. Poor Little Mermaid. So Little Mermaid, so she's, okay, living in this two bedroom in Van Nuys. It's a building with lots of ramps. It's very up to code on all the 1990 Disability Act. She can't walk, it's just painful.
And then she works where? Because I want to do a sequel. Now that she's on land. I think she's still mute. That's the movie. She's mute. Okay, so what? Even better. Because, again, disability. So she's mute and they've got a thing for her, right? She's got a wheelchair, but it's a little like a shopping cart to keep the fin. I don't know. Right, because you've got the fin up there. Poor little mermaid. So she's in the shopping cart wheelchair.
And she can't talk, so she needs something. She needs a purpose. You know, she's got to, like, go to work every day. They're on land. It's got to... What? I don't know. I don't know where I have to work. And then a complication, a romantic complication. It's not complicated enough. She meets the guy from Shape of Water because he's a fish.
Talk about full circle and they run away that now it's kind of sweet. I'm telling you I straightened out everyone's Everyone's career you fixed it all telling you you could do this So so your kids love this movie. Um, no, I mean when we watch splash they were a little bit Surprised because it yeah for today's sensibility, you know, I'm a mute woman
-Walking among us. -I very often have compared myself to the mermaid in Splash because I'm not good at
doing like everyday things. Oh, okay. You know, like, and I, you know, I don't understand whenever I see in the tabloids like these big celebrities coming out of Target or Ralph's or something. I'm like, don't you people have an assistant? I do. The last place I ever want to be is a fucking store. And so I'm not. So like sometimes I'm in a store or something and then they're like, there's some new way to pay or something. And I feel like the mermaid in Splash. I want to go. Yeah.
Show me, I don't get it. That's me basically every time I do try and go out into the world. So what other movies do you show your kids? I'm very curious, how old are the kids? 14 and 17. Oh, wow, so they're older. Yeah, they're older. I mean, we did the Star Wars experience. What from our era would they find still cool?
not much i'm guessing not in terms of endearment no no haven't done that yet what about footloose no you know what i showed them no you know what i showed them here's a stranger you don't want to talk about this show them life is beautiful roberto benigni yeah and um yeah i showed them i showed them that and uh they actually they
It's hard to say. They liked it, but also it led to a lot of interesting conversations about what can you joke about, what can you not joke about. Was he right to pretend that the Holocaust was a game for his child? These were interesting questions. We just watched Kunk on Earth, which they love. They have a very specific sense of humor, my kids. They like satire. We like a lot of stand-up, is what we usually watch, the three of us. What about a Holocaust...
film festival where you could show that and Schindler's List. We haven't seen Schindler's List yet. And what about the piano? I was going to say, next is the piano. You haven't seen it? I've seen it. They haven't seen it yet. I think they're ready.
- And who would know better, a total stranger with no kids who just found out you have one. - No, I think they are ready. Look, I grew up, my grandparents are immigrants from Eastern Europe, so I've seen a lot of Holocaust movies, not gonna lie. - Right. - And yeah, I think they might be ready for "The Piano." I mean, it's a great movie. It's Adrian Brody, he's fantastic. - Not "The Piano," "The Pianist." - Oh, "The Piano," what did I say? - Isn't it "The Piano?"
Which is it? It's the pianist. Is it the pianist? The piano is the other one. There is one, the piano. I feel like we should both know because it was Anna. What is... I'm going to stop guessing. Who is... It was a woman. Who is...
Who is the... Am I right? Was Anna Paquin in it? Anna Paquin. Okay, I did it. Oh, no, no. Yes, I think it is. Good, because I was thinking of something else. The pianist. I think. I don't know. Okay. The pianist is a great movie. That's, you know... Adrian Brody. No, but the director is... Yeah.
I can't remember this motherfucker's name. Roman Polanski. Who is Roman Polanski? Oh, dear. You didn't know that? I did at one point. Now I did again. He is himself a Holocaust survivor.
That is true. That is true. There's a lot of other things about Roman Polanski that we probably don't need to talk about. Yes, no, absolutely. I've often used... That's a polarizing figure. Hey, Club Random fans, people in the comments have been asking why we don't have merch. Yes, we read them.
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I'm heading back to Vegas to do stand-up for my last live dates of the year. I'll be there Friday, November 3rd, and Saturday, November 4th. I will be at the David Copperfield Theater at the MGM Grand in Vegas, my new home. I mean, are you a tough parent? Are you a lax parent? No, I'm pretty... I think most people would consider me...
I mean like an appropriate amount of boundary. Yeah, I'm pretty old fashioned with that. - Kids are fucking out of control. - Kids are a little bit out of control. - Just feral. - But I think-- - Entitled. - Yeah, well look, I mean-- - Monsters, this is why people are upset about the abortion ruling 'cause no one wants to have a kid. No really, I truly believe that.
- Sorry. - It's also why anal is popular. I truly believe that. - To answer your point, what I think is important and the reason that I was happy to come and talk to you, you know, was that what I'd like to teach my children is
They don't have to agree with every single thing that someone says. And that also doesn't mean that that person is bad, wrong,
should be canceled, should never be spoken about or to. And-- - Preach, sister. - It's so, it's real, but it's really hard. - It is hard. - It's really hard. - I-- - It's really hard. - I'm tough on parents and kids these days, but I also completely understand how hard it is to be a parent. First of all, because you're not doing it in a vacuum. That's the problem. If you somehow, and especially with the phone,
where everything gets into them, and then whatever they're socializing in school with other people, and what those parents are doing. So you're always fighting all of society. Well, my kids were homeschooled up until now. My older one just started going to school. Yeah. And I'm not saying that's why we homeschooled, but a lot of people who homeschool, and we're not religious homeschoolers, although those exist, homeschool.
Part of the reason that at least I felt comfortable in a homeschool environment was I knew a little I it was small groups typically and I knew a lot more about the people that my kids were talking to and interacting with then you know I think a lot and a lot of people don't care a lot of people like I'll put them with 40 kids and god bless you that's fine but for me you know I call it like a positive sense of control because you can't control everything you can't they're good but
But I really, I did enjoy knowing what, specifically what they were learning, how it was being taught. And, you know, I think also my kids have lived through a very interesting time where, you know, the Trump of it all, and I don't need to talk about Trump specifically, but it did bring up a lot of really important topics that I could talk about with my children in terms of, you know,
how we, how and when we decide to make judgments about people, how we organize our
entire thought systems around what a group of people say or do you know that that's true? And they also have a sense of levity about them because this culture is poking fun at everything and everyone. And so there's memes and there's gifs. The thing you said, which I loved, that your little list of things that you were teaching them,
among them in there was this idea of you could be wrong. Everybody who you don't agree with right away isn't necessarily wrong or bad. Correct. That kind of stuff, that's what I'm always preaching. My question is, why is that a heavy lift today with kids? Why do kids come... It seems like the default setting on them is judgmental
And I know everything. And especially with, like, generational stuff. Like, oh, you people who think that humans are male and female. Or obviously it's a jump. Well, look, I think the thing that I've noticed, and I don't know that there's one answer to that. But, you know, I was raised in a very different time where...
you know, I had a lot of ideas that my father in particular, bless his memory, would often shoot down, you know, and he was very smart. He was, he was, he was learned. He was, he was worldly and he was pretty old school. You know, he was born during World War II and he was, you know, he was a,
an anti-Vietnam activist, and he and my mom marched on Washington. They made anti-war documentaries. You know, they were advocating for a lot of the things that people are still advocating for in terms of our involvement with other countries and the atrocities that occur in other countries, often due to involvement that we sometimes have. I'm trying to be vague. But...
My older son recently said to me, and we were talking about something, he said, well, I don't agree with you, but you seem to like to intellectually humiliate me, so I'm not going to talk about it with you. And I remember being so taken aback. First of all, I was glad he said it because I said, okay, now we can talk about this.
But I said, you know, do you feel that I don't allow you to kind of have, you know, space for your own opinions? And he said, yeah. He said, a lot of times I feel like you have a very specific perspective and you, you know, can pull rank.
And you should. Right, exactly. That's the point. Kids of any age can have an opinion, in my opinion. Right. But they then also need to be told, but your opinion doesn't count as much because you don't know as much. You couldn't possibly know as much. And there's a reason my opinion counts more. It's not just because I'm bigger or because you crawled out of my vagina. It's because I know things. We're back to knowing.
Well, right. And I think that to speak to your point, you know, there is I think I don't mean to be that person who's like the Internet. But when you when when you have when you have even adults, I don't even think it's about kids. When you have people, it's true. When you have people who want to believe that what they Googled is true.
The information is so instantaneous. You don't have to do any research. You don't have to think about it. I think it does. It comes with a sense of entitlement and arrogance that I do. I find problematic. And, you know, I see it a lot also, you know, as a scientist, the things that people think and believe that they Google about science.
any number of scientific concepts is astounding. You know, it's astounding. Yeah, on the left and the right, by the way. 100%. No, 100%. Yeah, okay. Oh, I don't... Yeah, no, I mean, the right doesn't really... I mean, they're finally, I think, coming around to, okay, global warming is man-made, and maybe we should do something about it. Right. The left...
was crazy wrong about a lot of COVID stuff. And I mean, not just me, who's been banging the drum, but other people who are more mainstream have said things like, it was just so wrapped up in the identity of being a liberal to be a COVID paranoid. Correct.
And, you know, in the years to come, they're going to have to answer for a lot because we're just going to find out. We are finding out more and more how fucked up we were. Just the mental part is what we're finding out. 100%. Like these shootings that we had, you know, where the guy goes to somebody's door. Yep. Poof.
And, you know, my ball rolled into your yard and I shoot you and you turn around in my driveway. Now it's anecdotal. Yeah. But I think this, no, we are a gun laden country and we're a crazy country. But it also has, I think, something to do with that lockdown and people forgot how to relate to each other and people went nuts. Yeah. Well, I mean, look, there are certain people who really like the isolation. Yeah.
There are certain people who learn to like it in different ways. Then you can have yours. Just don't stop me. Correct. Crazy. And what we did to kids. I mean, you didn't have to worry because they were homeschooled to begin with, right? It's kind of interesting. Look at that. They did have classes and eventually, you know, there was this conversation of,
You know, we had some teachers in our homeschool community who said, I will not teach with a mask over my face. So when you say homeschool, you're not doing it. Well, I'm the working parent. I'm divorced. Their dad does some of their classes. And then there are little homeschool centers where there's five, 10 kids in a class. So now that they're older. Which is just kind of an alternative school. Yeah. Well, except there's like five or 10 kids in a class. Yeah. But I mean, that's not exact. That's somewhere.
between homeschooling, which I think of as just you're home and mommy's the teacher. That's actually usually not what homeschooling is. Really? Yeah, and when you think of sort of like
The Christian model of homeschooling, when you think about it, there's a lot of Christian homeschoolers. There's kind of that home, home house kind of model. But the things that happen when you... And when my kids were little, that was what their life was like. But also it was a lot of time at the park. It was a lot of time on field trips. But yeah, now that they're in junior high and high school, it's smaller groups, but yeah, without a lot of the other things that schools have. Well, if you need me to drop off...
No, I think we'll be good. Uncle Bill, I can tell-- I think we'll be good. I can-- oh, I'm sure these kids look up to me. So I'd be happy to-- look, I know these kids need a father figure.
And I would fit the bill perfectly. I didn't know that's where this conversation would go, but there you have it. That's the whole reason I'm having you here. I want to be kind of a godfather to your kids. Nope, that sounds wrong. And I've got a whole new list of movies we're going to watch. Okay, Midnight Cowboy. What about that one? You haven't seen it yet. You never saw Midnight Cowboy? No, no, I haven't seen it with them. It was rated X at the time.
That's right. That would probably intrigue them. Although it's probably so tame. I'm trying to think, like I'm trying to remember now. I mean, what kids see on their phone, are you kidding?
I mean, they were probably 10 when they saw it. It's Dustin Hoffman. Yeah. I mean, I just directed him in a movie that they did see. What? I wrote a movie, and I cast Dustin Hoffman and Candice Bergen in it, and I just directed it. So they would love to see anything with Dustin Hoffman because they got to meet Dustin Hoffman. What's your movie about?
My movie was called As They Made Us. It's available on Showtime and other places people get movies. It's out. It is out. Oh, I didn't see this. Yeah, I wrote it. It was about a complicated family. He and Candace play the parents, and Simon Helberg from Big Bang Theory and Diana Agron play the siblings. And I wrote a movie about...
um what happens in a complicated family when siblings have different reactions to how to deal with alcoholism and complexity it's amazing it's a heartbreaker you know grab a tissue okay i like that you know it's amazing how good actors get not that does nothing wasn't good when he was young but when they're old oh it's because they just he's a master yeah yeah i mean it was you know
I mean, it was I never thought that Dustin Hoffman would read my script and want to meet with me, but he did. And how was he to work with? It was unbelievable. He would show up every morning to set, say hi to the crew, see what we were doing that day. And we were a small film. This was a small film. And he...
He wanted to know a lot about my family, you know, because while it wasn't autobiographical, it certainly was a lot about my experience and other people who grew up like I did. He wanted to know everything. He just wanted me to keep talking. And...
It was like a master class. Like, it was a master class, not just in acting, but... And did he take direction well? Oh, he wanted to be directed. And I... Okay. And that was also, you know, intimidating. This was my first time directing. No, that's what I'm saying. A guy like him... No, he wanted to talk about it. That's great. And it was really, I mean...
You know, and he talked a little bit about, you know, what it's like to be his age and playing the older guy, the old man, you know? I was just gonna say, I guess it's tough
to be that, you know, when you've been the leading man. - Totally. - And now you're, you know, now you're playing grandpa. - I mean, look, him and Candace, they grew up together in real life, but seeing them together was really, I mean, it really, it felt like we were watching a master class. - They grew up together in real life? - Yeah, their families were friends. - Really? - Yes.
Because they certainly were stars around the same time. I'm thinking about 1970. This was right after The Graduate. And she was in Carnal Knowledge, directed by Mike Nichols. And...
Art Garfunkel. Well, seeing the two of them together and getting to direct them, it was... And she... Her performance is... It's very... It's very... I mean, she is incredible. Right. And it was a very difficult character that she played. A lot of... I mean, look, these are... I wrote very complex characters and it's a lot of...
It was heavy. It was really heavy. It was like a Jewish long day's journey into night, which I love, by the way, long day's journey into night. Yeah. You ever seen that? I think I have. Try to sit your kids down in front of that one. They'll kill you. It's like four hours, and it's very heavy. Yeah, no. No. It's a very long day. I'll do Seven Samurai if I'm going to have them sit down for a long period of time. Yeah. I mean, I was saying before about the dwindling...
little cadre of people who know things. The people who can sit through "Long Day's Journey" and "Tonight," they've left me back with the dummies on that one. I mean, and I think I saw it once. But the idea of sitting through something for four hours, a heavy, serious play, I'm not that good. I made a small movie that I had to shave down to 90 minutes, if that. I think it clocked in at like 87 or something. That's what a movie should be.
Movies should be 90 minutes. Well, you know, you'll watch it and you'll tell me. No, but I think all movies are too long these days. Oh, okay. You know what I mean? As soon as you got a lot to say.
Yeah, but you know, that's what an artist has to do. You have to have the guts to kill your children. I've killed many with this movie, so yes. But that's what I feel like filmmakers today... You mean you feel that there's a... It's too long. Got it. You mean it's gratuitous? It's just, you're not... Everything you thought of to put in this movie isn't genius. It's not merited to be too... Got it. James Bond movie was like two hours and 40 minutes. It's genius.
It's James Bond, okay? He fucks three hot chicks. He saves the world. And there's a great song at the end. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. There's six action sequences and there's a couple of quips. Thank you, Miss Hot Pussy. I saw all of those in the theater. That was like my education as a kid. And looking back, I'm like, my mom thought that was cool? All right, my dad took us to James Bond movies.
It made me the woman I am today. I remember lobbying my mother to go see a Bond movie. I must have been about 11 or 12. I don't know how she'd have to take me. I don't think she would let me walk alone. Maybe they let us walk alone back then. Oh, I was alone a lot. But like now you would be arrested.
Like you would literally told go out of the house, come back for dinner. I was like that. Exactly. I was raised like that. And I, I once crashed my bike. That was sad. Yeah. But otherwise, um, yeah, I grew up Melrose Fairfax. I grew up right here in LA. Wow. Riding my bike a lot of hours in the shadow of Cantor. Yes. Yes.
- Did you eat-- - Well, farther east. - Did you eat at Cantor's a lot? - We would go to Cantor's usually Sunday morning. - Really? - For rolls. My dad would get the New York Times. And my father would sit with a container of cream cheese and a cup of coffee, and he would spoon the cream cheese
into the coffee and eat it. - So for those of us, for those listening in Nebraska, how would we describe Cantor's? We're talking about, there is a Jewish district in LA and that's-- - Well, the highest concentration of Holocaust survivors in the world, that was the epicenter. - Is that right? - Now Cantor's is not a kosher deli, but it is a beloved deli. Now a kosher deli would be just meat products. It's an experience.
The waitresses do not like you, and they don't pretend to. I don't know what it is. I haven't been there in a while. I always loved it. The bakery is unbelievable. It's open 24 hours. It is open. There's a Kibbitz room. I would be there back when I was wearing that shirt at a club. And then we'd go. Of course, the club's closed. You're hungry or whatever. Yeah, you go to the Kibbitz room. That's right. And it was one of the few places that was open. Yeah, I would go there late. There'd be like, you know...
and hookers and cops. You know, plus... It was huge also. It was a huge restaurant. Something about it just... You scream Judaism. Yeah. Well, you know, it was a deli. Right. It was a deli and it felt a lot like... But the waitresses were not young and cute. No, no. They were like... They didn't want to be there. They were like... They didn't want to serve you at midnight. They were older and...
Yeah. Everything. They would bring all the dishes at once, throw them on the table and walk away. See what would happen. Oh, man. Look at us reminiscing about cancers. Well, I...
I could still go to Cantor's. Yes, you could. I'm going to take your kids, so I'm going to make it my business. So this is a date night with Uncle Bill. Exactly. I'm going to make it my business that these kids know what's up in this world from a male point of view. So you're divorced, huh? Yeah, but they have a dad. They do? They do.
You still like him? Yeah, I actually do still like him. Oh, wow. I do. Then why don't you still marry him? We were friends for a year and a half. We were racquetball partners. We met in calculus class. And we dated for five years. And we were together for ten. And I think if you see my movie, you might think, I could see why her first marriage didn't work out. Oh, I don't know about that, really. There's a lot of complexity. I'd say I did a lot of maturation. I think we both did a lot of maturation stuff.
post-divorce and we parent nicely together. We parent like friends. But also like, okay, you had five years you said dating, ten years married. Right. I don't think that's... We didn't live together. Everybody's like, that was your problem. You did or did? We did not live together before we got married. We were together five years though. It would have been shorter if you had lived together. Look at that.
Because the whole problem always with relationships, it's never... Not never, but it's very often not the people. The people are fine. Right. And the relationship is fine, you can tell, because it worked at the beginning. I can't wait to hear what you're going to say. It just... It's just...
No, humans are not meant, especially in this era, to just, you just burn it out. The person that you pick at, I was 27 when I got married, and I'm pretty sure that most people who got married, and my mom was 18 and they stayed married forever, but I don't know if they should have. But yeah, the person you pick at 27 or 20, I don't know if that's the person you want to be with at 40.
I mean, you're right. I don't think it's-- I mean, it can be part of that too, that people do grow and change. Are people not allowed to grow and change? No, they are. But it's not-- Sometimes they grow and change together. But that's not it either. You think just humans are not supposed to be monogamous like that, like serial monogamy. You just-- Or who knows? There was this-- there's a book that came out about, I don't know, a year ago. And I read the-- it was a little big thing for a minute. It was called, I think, "On the Divine Tedium of Marriage."
I think it's called like Foreverland, something like that, on the divine. The thesis was? I don't know about the thesis. I read the excerpt. I didn't read the book. Oh, just the excerpt. But wait, it was like 20 pages. Okay. Or maybe 10, but it was like a very long screed just about how much she hated...
her husband and how he was gross and phlegmy and made her wretch and he was a pussy and he was complaining and he was just this pompous sexless piece of shit and I kept thinking where's the divine part I get the tedium part I
I'm hearing that loud and clear, paragraph after paragraph. And then there's like one paragraph. And at moments like that, I remember what a handsome professor he is. It's like, okay, great. So like every six months, you get a flash of what used to be good. And that's an extreme maybe. For sure. But I don't know. I'm going to go ahead and say this.
I don't. Go ahead. And I don't know how many of my friends might listen to this. So if you're listening to this and you can assume I'm not talking about you, I don't see a lot of relationships where I'm like, that's a healthy union. These are two people who respect it. This is a woman who respects him as a man. Sorry, I have gay friends also. But you know what I'm saying? Right, I do. Let's take away the gender or the sex or whatever we're calling it.
I do not often see couples where I think these people are mutually connected for a reason that seems significant and they show each other mutual respect. I don't see it a lot. I don't. Or affection. Or like, you know, I met
oh i wouldn't say who but a very famous person okay yeah don't say a while ago and uh like last week and and i mean he's uh uh upper age bracket and um he and his wife they have a real
She has a real girlfriend vibe about her. I said to my friend, I said, she's so cool. She has a girlfriend vibe, not a wife vibe. That's what you have to try to keep. Interesting. And I have seen that. No, I get what you mean. Yeah. Not that I'm saying that women are the only part of the problem, but...
There's a set of needs, and I think, look, as a person who gave birth to children, there's a lot of psychological, physiological, and emotional changes that occur that often make us have a different set of needs. You know when you know it's over, I think. When is it over, Bill?
you know when i said you know it sounds like you really don't want it no i'm right oh no sorry my kids often say are you being sarcastic yeah no i really i want to hear what you can say like
When you're out, you're not, I mean, we're not having sex. We're just out. You and I are not having sex. No, no. I'm saying you're this couple. Correct. They're out. They're out. They're not having sex at this moment. They're out. Yeah. So, you know, you're at dinner or you're having drinks with somebody. Yes.
But there is, even though it's not sexual in nature per se, there is physical communication going on. Like, you don't have to be all over the person. Sure. But you're kind of touching. Yeah, that's important. Yes. And, you know, it's kind of like there's just a little electricity that's still going on. Yeah. And it's almost...
kind of sexy that you're in a place where you can't do it. Yes. Or, you know. Well, there's that, that's that teenage feeling. And, you know. It's important. Then when you have like the two separate chairs to watch TV. Yeah. Like on all in the family. Yeah. And there's no, you know, what was either this big thing
wish in life that Archie would just touch me. You don't have to even fuck me, Archie. Just show me some... You know what I mean? And I think like... Now, the thing... When that stops, the relationship doesn't end the next day. The problem is...
Then you're into that period where it's just going in the wrong direction in that way. But you don't want it to end because you still love the person. Sure. And you have a lot of other things about it that are good. Well, and if you have kids, it becomes very... And kids, of course. It's complicated. But if that dies... You're right. It's very... And I think that's...
I do sometimes see that in couples that I know who have stayed married. But I think that for those of us who do get divorced, there's a new opportunity to see what it's like to find that and be able to maintain it. And how do you maintain it? There are ways. You know the old joke, why are divorces so expensive?
- What? - They're worth it. No, really, that's, things run their course. You ran its course. - Right. - There's no tragedy. - No. - And then you're right. - Who is it? Louis C.K., a person I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about. He has an amazing-- - Of course you are. - With you, I can. But who knows? But he has, when he announced that he was getting divorced in his special and everybody said, aw, he said, don't make that sound. - Right. - He said, this is a good thing. - It is.
Like when people get divorced, it's because a lot of bad things were happening. Exactly. By the time the divorce happened. Right. It's it's it's a braha. Sometimes it's a braha. And, you know, it's just very hard to fight burning it out. And and just it's like something that and it tortures you because you look at that person and you go, I should be all over you.
It's just we've just done it too many times in a row and you're there every day. No, really. And so it's like something that's numb. Look, we're shouldn't be numb. We are primates. You know, we're primates. And there is a there is there's a novelty component to relations. I look at my parents and they basically they were practically siblings. You know, when you get married at 18 and 20, it's like they grew together. They happen to grow in a similar way. They happen to have all these similarities.
strange quirks about them that you know kept them sustained and they were crazy about each other when my father was he's in a wheelchair at the end of his life and my mother said when when he is wheeled into a room my heart skips a beat and like that and honestly many times in my life I was like are you sure you're still be married you know this was a complicated relationship but she that was they they did they had that spark
I mean, he was still writing her poems. Like, I inherited his library when he died. And like, every fifth book, it's inscribed to her. You know? And like, it's very sweet. The thing is, in life, that does exist. That's what keeps the other 99% of poor schmucks miserably trying to attain that. Because every one out of 100 people. Imagine being their child and having to get divorced. And I'm like, oh, man. And also, like, I come from a traditional family. Like, you know, Jews, we don't.
do that like so it was like oh they did that and I didn't but you know what it there was some grieving involved it for me, but I'm I feel like I've come out on the other end of it. Someone once described marriage as a brother sisterly relationship with occasional bouts of incest. I've heard this before. So
often true I mean and then there's sex freaks like your parents who would stop no no I don't I don't ever think about I don't we don't have to right now why start now you know why start now well listen
This was so much fun. I'm so glad I got to know you. I'm very glad. I hope it's not the last time. I hope it's not the last time. I mean, of course I'll see the kids. But I want to see you too. Yeah, and you know, I'm going to officially say I would love to have you come talk to us on our podcast if you'd ever be open to it. Absolutely. I think you're fascinating. I think you're brilliant.
brave in ways you shouldn't have to be. I don't always agree with you. I don't always agree with the things you say, but I wanted to do this honestly so I could show my children that I put my, you know, I don't just talk the talk. I walk the walk and I don't have to agree with you on everything to sit with you and talk with you. When I do this with you next, I want you to bring in the things you think I'm wrong about where you don't agree with me.
Okay. But also bring in my children because I want them to meet you. Yeah, they'll get a good lesson and disagreeing is okay. Love. Thank you. And I'll see you soon. Awesome. Are you getting up and leaving? Yeah. I just sit here? No. Oh, we both get up. Or, you know...