Video: Chris Distefano | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Is it Joey Bieber's Donny T? Oh, you really don't know anything about politics. No, I told you, I don't know. Okay, you're never getting on real time. Club. Chevy Chase, Robin Williams, and they treated him as a peer, just based on this little 200-seat nightclub. Club Randall.

It's about time we met. Nice to see you. Mr. Bill, how you doing, my friend? Nice to see you. Feel good? Thanks. I haven't even sat down yet. Yes, I feel... How do you feel? What are you, about a size 34 waist? Yeah, well, that's a little big for me. 33. Oh, you go European size.

This is a very odd way to start to get to know a young, good-looking man. What are people going to think out there? They're going to think that it's some sort of a setup here. It's club random, dude. You know, I randomly picked a sexuality to start the show. The gayest I ever feel in my life is when I'm in Los Angeles. Oh.

Oh, well, wait a minute. I resemble that remark. No, but it's not, you know, it's what it is. I get it. Everybody's got stories. You know, I had one opportunity out here a few years ago. I had a sitcom pilot and the head of the department over there was a gay guy. And he would always flirt with me a little bit, talked about my shoulders. He wanted me to wear a little bit tighter pants. So I called my father back in New York and said, what do I do? My dad said, listen, you know, you wear a little bit of tighter pants and you do what you got to do for the family.

Show them a little ass. Is that true? Yeah, it's true. Or is that a bit? No, I will not. Bill, I promise you, I'm one of those guys. I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you the truth. When I do bits, they're on stage.

I don't like to do the bits on the pod. All right. We don't have to have a duel about it. Jesus Christ, where's my second? What's the second? I'm sorry. Let me have some tequila. Should we? Yeah, don't say it like, I need some tequila to get through suffering your stupid comment. No, I'm not suffering. Dude, you look like my Aunt Eileen. My aunt? I got an Aunt Eileen. She's got the same haircut as you. Oh.

But it's a compliment. I guess that's more of a slam on her, really. Exactly. No, I'm telling you, we've been saying, and my Aunt Eileen, she's watching. We've been saying, want some? No. Okay. We've been saying. Yes. No, no, no. We've been saying my Aunt Eileen looks like Bill Maher since you've become, you know, well-known. Oh. Yeah, and then I got another aunt, Aunt Janet, who looks like Ron Perlman. No, I'm sorry, Rhea Perlman. Yeah. That'd be sick if she looked like Ron Perlman. I went and said to this girl, and I don't think she was this actress in.

She was like 40, and I said, she was bitching and moaning about how Hollywood discards you. And it's true. It's not nice. And I said, please, you could still play the ingenue. And she started to laugh. And I went, oh, wait. I meant to say, you could still play Maya Angelou. Yeah.

And she didn't think it was very funny. Bill, can I say something right now? It's an honor, of course, to be on this pod with you, and I really do mean that, truly. Oh, thank you. It is. I'm from New York, New Jersey. Anybody who makes it from the original 13, fan. Colonies, you mean? Original 13 colonies. To me, that's a matter of... That's a pretty broad...

grouping that year that's I care that and it's a lot of people if you're from the original really a great compliment you know when I find out a guy's from the original 13 colonies I I like you and I said so that would be South Carolina from South Carolina that's all the way up to New Hampshire

So as long as you're from South Carolina, you're a made man. Made man on freedom first, okay? Every code to every phone door I have is 1776, and that's how we roll. I'm not political at all. I just love my country. As you can tell by my haircut, I really love this country. I do too. Yeah. We're not going to argue about that. No, not at all. I mean, I'm always bitching and moaning about how much I don't like to live in this country where...

If you don't agree with somebody, you don't want to breathe the same air. Right. You know, as someone once said to me about being at a party with someone else who didn't have the same politics. And it's just not going to get solved that way. No. And the specific thing about America...

I've done many pieces about this. You know, I just ask for perspective and a little education for the people who are talking about America in such an ignorant way. It's like, I'm not blind to all of our problems. I just have the perspective of knowing what other countries are like.

And you don't. I could just tell by your non-facts. You don't know what you're talking about. And please, I've heard people say they want to move. I mean, I hated that in the 60s, like love it or leave it. That was the exact opposite of how we felt on the liberal side. But the liberals changed. And I would never say to somebody, love it or leave it. But if you're rooting against it, or if you have no perspective and think it's the worst place in the world...

I don't think that's the kind of person who's going to build a better country. Well, here's the good news for you, is you're a guy, you've always been the same. You stuck to who you are and you just kept, no matter, the country was changing, but you stayed who you are. Because I remember, you know, 15 years ago in the neighborhoods I was from, I'm from like Ridgewood, Bushwick area, Queens, Middle Village, Glendale area. It's like, you know, cops, firemen, blue collar part of New York. There was a time when the country was changing. People, I remember my friends were like, fuck Bill

Bill Maher, what does he got to say? That fucking lesbian, what does he got to say? Lesbian. No, no, because the country was going the other way. But now you've just stuck to who you are. And now those same guys are like, you doing Bill Maher? That guy's a fucking hero. So it's you just stuck to who you are. And that's the good news about you. Right. Well. You're trustworthy. Yes.

Yes, where I've gained conservative fans, it's because I refuse to get on the crazy train all the way to Woketown. And I've made a whole thing about trying to point out constantly how Wokism is different than old school liberalism and blah, blah, blah. We don't have to go through all that political jazz here. I was going to say. I don't think your friends are probably...

I wouldn't like because, and maybe they do vote for Trump. I would, I would tell them, you know, most of my friends are felons. Can't even vote. Really? One is definitely a felon. He cannot vote. Um, but the other ones I would say, you hung out with a bad crowd. No, not,

necessarily to ban credits. The neighborhood I was from, again, I was from the old school, kind of old school New York neighborhoods. Yes. You know, it's interesting. We should pause here to tell Mid-America. They probably think, you know, if they know anything about geography, Queens, New Jersey, we are

are both satellites of New York City. Yes. We're probably equidistant from the heart of Manhattan. And yet I think worlds apart. Yes. Because just like listening to you, that accent. Yeah. I don't have that accent. That is a Queens, New York accent. You sound like that. And I sound like a regular, normal person. Yes. A radio announcer, a person who enunciates and speaks clearly for a living. Because New Jersey, you know, we don't talk from New York.

Yeah, we both live about 20 miles away from Manhattan, but I fixed your boiler. My family and I, we fixed your boiler. We put the floors in your house. That's who we are. We take care of your garbage. Thank you, Mr. Ma. You tip me at Christmas, sir.

But I was saying it's an honor to me, and I really do mean that, but it's an as-equal honor to be sitting in the chair that Richard Dreyfuss sat in on this podcast. I would assume that you have every guest come on or multiple guests. I'm telling you, Bill, I'm being honest with you. We're comedians, right?

We're jaded when it comes to laughter. And even if I think something's funny, even if I watch a joke by you or a joke by another community I respect. No, when I laugh, it's an honest laugh. When I laugh, it's an honest laugh because most times when I'm laughing, I'm laughing, but I can't get the full way there because I'm like, shit, why didn't I think of that? Or damn, he's so much, you know, we have this thing. Or something's not funny. Right. But with Richard Dreyfuss, I was truly like, it actually broke my heart.

kind of parts of my personality. And my girlfriend wife was screaming at me. She was like, you're going to wake up the kids. And I was on the floor like Richard Dreyfuss was on the floor. And what I thought was amazing about it is your commitment to just keep talking to him no matter how low on this seat his head was.

Well, if people didn't see the episode, Richard Dreyfuss, who I have the greatest respect for as an actor and an activist. Wait. Is he an activist? Before we take this poker up his ass, let's give him a little flowers, okay? But it's true. I did a special with him in 1987, a young comedian, and he was at the height of his power as a...

movie star. So his passion was politics. I mean, I got to give him credit. He's not some celebrity who didn't do a lot of reading and thinking about stuff. And he wanted to do a special on the 200th anniversary of the Constitution, which was passed in 1787. That's really when we became a country.

Now, no network executive is going to hear this pitch and say, what? What, are you going to dress up in fucking powdered wigs and reenact a signing? What could be duller than, but he was a movie star. Right. And it was in 1987. I guess TV, you can't even imagine. I'm sure I can't even remember the kind of shit that was on. I mean, they just had lower standards because there was less competition. Yeah.

Dude, when he was here and there was a part of the podcast where he's talking about his Puerto Rican 19-year-old girlfriend and introducing her to the Queen of England, and then you say, and how old were you? And I'm thinking he's going to say 22, 23. He goes, 37. I almost crashed my fucking car. Well, what people remember about that also is that he had, I think, a back issue. Yeah, whatever, dude. It was great. Yeah.

I want to go and ask my doctor for the Richard Dreyfuss. Look, we all need to make ourselves be in the feeling no pain mode sometimes. I know I do.

And so he just was, you know, sliding in the chair. No, but Bill, what was genius is... It was a time when where your knee is was where his head was. I just want to show that to people, or if you're listening, imagine where Chris's knee is. Yes. But he wasn't out of the chair. No. That I would have put a stop to. Yes. No. But he picked himself up. It was like a metaphor for life.

He kept drooling and melting down into the floor as we all do. Yes. And then would pick himself up. I see it as a triumphant piece. I said, I said, I'm looking, you know, my girlfriend's Puerto Rican and I'm showing her because she's yelling at me and waking the kids. I'm sure I say, Jazz, look at this. And she's watching and she like doesn't get it. I said, Jazz, how funny is this? She was like, there's something wrong with him. I was like, yeah, that's the point of it. I was like, don't you see the genius? Bill is nodding. Bill is just talking.

Bill is maintaining eye contact with him no matter how low he goes. I was like, don't you think that's great? And she was like, just go to sleep. She doesn't hate him. Yeah, some people don't like performance art. Yeah, she didn't get it.

But you know, right. And that's fine. And let me ask you this. I want to ask you this as a guy who's made it as, you know, I mean, you know, there's no really objective measure in this, you know, to me as a fellow comic, I look up to him like Bill's made it as far as you can possibly make it. He's at that top. Do you get a lot of grief or any problems from family members or friends from certain things you've said throughout your life, like ruin friendships or have you ever felt like

I'm doing well, but I also feel like a pariah in a way to my family, like my family does not like this at all? No, of course. I started in the clubs in 1979. It was a different comedy world. I mean, the world of family wasn't that different because I was just fortunate. I had two parents who they were sort of – they let me have that space.

Like, the period we're talking about is, like, when college is ending. And it's like, okay, so, you know, we all knew you were going to go to college. That was sort of like de rigueur, so I did. Cornell. Yeah, and I'm glad I did. Okay. But then, you know, it comes, like, your last year. And to their credit, they didn't, like, what are you going to do? It's like, he'll tell us, and I just...

Like, literally didn't really say anything except I'm moving in, you know, trying to get an apartment in New York and I did get a rent-free situation where you have to do some unspeakable thing for the pleasure of staying in something that was about as big as this area we're sitting in. But, you know, fuck.

What were we talking about? Well, I was saying, like, because there's, I was wondering, because, like, you know, now comedy, right? Like, I'm pursuing what I love in this, right? I was a physical therapist before I had this, you know, you have to get... Really? Yeah, you have to get a doctorate degree to become a physical therapist, went to school. You're an M.D.?

Doctor of physical therapy, DPT. So I have a clinical doctorate. Gym teacher. Gym, exactly. Okay. Exactly. Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes. I work at the Planet Fitness up the street. Is that a real place? Yes. What is it? Planet Fitness. Yeah, they give pizza to everyone walking in and out of the gym on Fridays. I swear to God, because the people look like planets. So...

So I went through school, did all this, made my mother proud, right? And then I pursue comedy, right? And in the beginning, I'm doing comedy. I get on all these things, Letterman and all that stuff.

And now I'm at the place where comedy's really going, you know, well for me. Fantastically well. But my, I feel like my family, with the exception of my father, I feel like my family almost presents me like I'm like a porn star. Like, because I curse a little bit. Really? Yeah, so I was wondering if that was like a similar thing amongst all comics or does my family just fuck? No, your family's a bunch of dicks. Of course that's not it. Told you, Mom. My parents gave me that space to like,

come to them. So I was well out of college and had moved into that horrible apartment, not apartment, like cubbyhole in someone else's, a rich person's apartment. And like, it was only, I think maybe at Christmas. So I'm out of college and I graduated early. So I'm out of college almost a whole year. And they just really, because I didn't ask for money. And I just kind of like, you know,

dribbled it out one night like, "Yeah, I'm working at the comedy clubs." You know, just like that. And they were kind enough, you know, to-- they must have been like suspecting that or-- I don't know. Maybe not, but...

You know, they just let me have the humiliation that is that first year or two of comedy is nothing but humiliation of every sort. Like you can't even get on stage. When you do, you suck. You know, people think you're just, it's almost embarrassing that you're trying. Yeah.

Well, I think too, when you were coming up, you only had like the medium was standup. You weren't filming everything you were doing and talking for hours. So a lot of times I'll say something going into a bit or have a half-baked idea on a podcast and I'll tell a story with changing names that like a family member was involved in that I think is funny. And then they get upset. But then on the same token, they like want tickets to the shows. So I'm like, sometimes I'm conflicted. Like I was getting screamed

Screamed at on Thanksgiving by my family. Screamed at for how awful my comedy is. The assholes out there who have nothing better to do, the perfect people who never do anything wrong, they live to see things that they can make into something. But you're a good man, Bill.

You are really a good man. Oh, well, thank you. You do have founding father energy, too. Anyone ever tell you that? Founding father? You do. You feel like, like, I feel like if we were going to have founding fathers today, you'd be in the running for one of them. I would vote you for one of them.

You mean like to run the country, to like start a new country? The country would vote in, you'd be like a John Adams type. George Washington would be, you know, like Leah Thomas from the Penn Swimmer. You would... Yeah, George Santos would be Alexander Hamilton. Yeah.

Well, you know, you'd have, but I just feel, I'm saying you're smart and what you're a guy. You're here's a compliment to Don Rickles. No, here's a guy. No, Bill, here's a comment. Here's a comment from my guy. One of my friends, we call him the worm. He's a real conspiracy theorist. He told me this. I swear to God, he told me this standing in your producer, Chuck's from middle village. We were standing not far from Elliot Avenue, which is a big stream middle village. And he, I told him I was doing your show and he said, you know why I like Bill? And he's being dead serious because of the

all the Hollywood stuff, because you know I like Bill. He looks like a guy that probably, I would say almost 100%, never fucked a kid. Well, that's true. There you go. So they're 99% sure you never did, and that means you're a good guy. That's amazing. Because they think everyone in Hollywood's having sex with kids in these neighborhoods in New York. Yeah. That's one I'll never understand. Why you'd even want to have sex with a kid? I don't want to. I have kids. I don't want to have sex with any of their friends. Right. No.

You know, that's the thing. It's like you can't, you can, and this is a credit to the human race in this regard, you can put checks on yourself for barbaric behavior, which we're not on from the beginning of mankind's civilization.

long crawl to civilization. I mean, for most of our time, you know, animals basically have sex by rape. They don't fucking go out to dinner first. They, you know... Dude, you go to the Sahara Desert, it's rape all day. LAUGHTER

All the animals are raping each other. There's no consent. Exactly. 100%. And humans were those animals until very recently. So it's to our credit that we went, no, you know what? Let's find a different way. We share an appetizer. Something. Yeah. Yeah. You say it like that. Well, you say it like that. That's the Queen's version. Yes, yes. We should do a show about the suburbs of New York. We should. Because...

Boy. You never come back? Of course. Northeast? You know, I had a very sentimental journey, funny you should ask, about a year ago, November, so a little over a year ago. The house I grew up in, I visited that, hadn't been to that. Owned by Indian people now. No. No? In New Jersey? No, a lovely couple. Not Indian? Not Indian, no. Really?

A lot of Indians in New Jersey love Indian people. What? I love Indian women, chubby Indian women. That's my vice. Really? My girlfriend gets very upset when I talk about it. But yeah, my friends used to call me Chrissy Calcutta because of how much Indian woman porn I watch. So you have a girlfriend and kids, but you're not married. We're not married, but I think I should probably do it.

It's serious enough now. When you put it that way, who could resist? I'd like to see you on one knee. I just think whatever you say. I'm not going to get down on one. I'm going to get down like Richard Dreyfuss to propose. Just the head. Just the head. Would she find that funny? She probably would. I think she's just put up with me. I think she's just stuck with me now at this point.

But I'm sorry, you were talking about your new Jersey house that's not owned by Indians. No, no, I'm prying into your personal life. You could pry all day, I don't mind. I'm an open book. And you've had two kids.

Well, that's a cementing, bonding sort of thing between two humans, I hear. I would say it's relatively serious at this point. Right. I mean, that's why I never took it past dating. Yes. I mean, I had serious girlfriends. Right. But that's still dating. Yeah. Because in a woman's mind, you're either dating or you're... Right. If you're not married, you're what I call on the path. Yes. Which is like...

Oh, they have steps of, you know, living together, pre-engagement, engagement. There's a whole thing. And I always figured it was like a canoe going down the river and wanted to always get off before it gets to the falls. Yes. Well, dude, I would tell you. But that's me. Other people love it. Other people love going over. I would say to you, there's a great joke by comedian Ted Alexandra. He had a joke, paraphrasing. He was like, you know, I'm 45 years old. I have no wife, no kids. I made it.

You made it, sir. You've made it. Oh, thanks. No wife, no kids. You have made it, sir. You are successful. And this is why you have my vote as founding father. Thank you so much for saying that, Chris. It's a beautiful honor. I can't really say it out loud. But honestly, when I hear every single person I know bitch about either their marriage or their divorce,

or whatever, I just think, yeah, I made a lot of mistakes, really a lot of stupid things I did in this life. I mean, I am not a quick learner, but I do get it when I get it, but I'll admit that. But that one? Yes. Oh, which one were we talking about? No, I'm saying you like, even like, look at how beautiful your life is. Oh, that one of not marrying or having kids. The fact that I was able to do that

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You ever live in Manhattan? Yes, Lower East Side. Okay. So I moved to New York, you know, grew up in Bergen County, New Jersey. I'm sure you're familiar. Of course. Rivervale was my little town. It was just leave it to beaver will. Of course. It was ridiculous. And I was mid-century, you know, this is 60s, 70s, very innocent. No racism because there's only one race in town. Of course. No drugs, you know, just leave it to beaver.

My father worked in New York in radio every day, commuted there. So then I go off to college. And I knew I was going to be a commuter when I was 10. Wow. So I was always thinking about this. So I'm in college. And all the time I'm in college, I'm like, what am I doing here? This is theoretical. I'm not trying to get a job with this. I should be doing what I do.

I once even went up at the poetry reading and tried to do some material just because I was chomping into bit to get my-- so I lived in New York, moved in with the rent-free hovel. And then I had another hovel on 8th Avenue. Oh, shit. That was my main apartment. I had one apartment in the edge of Spanish Harlem, 99th Street, a five-floor walk up, no shower.

You know, okay, then I had my... Where did you shower? There was a tub in the kitchen. You put one of those... Oh, shit. I love that I lived through that, though. It's beautiful. It really is. Yeah. It's so good to have had that, you know. Yeah. It really helps you enjoy when things are easy. Yeah, yeah, and you work through all that. There was, you know, it was like the pain and the gain kind of thing. Yeah. So then I had my main apartment was...

8th Avenue between 55th and 56th. Oh, nice. So not a terrible neighborhood. It's a little north of Hell's Kitchen. Right. But three blocks from the park. Right. It was a nondescript kind of, you know, once in a while there was a bum. Right. Passed out in the foyer. It's New York. You know, sometimes with a needle in their leg. You know, you just... It happens. You know. You're having fun. Yeah.

You know. What are you going to do? You're in New York. What are you going to do about that? I mean, I guess I don't know. I would call the super. Yes, yes. And of course, he filled me with confidence. Yeah. He would get on it right away. Yeah, he'd come out in a wife beater with chunklet does on and just fucking kick him into the street. That's what you do.

Do you remember Freddie Prinze, who that was? Sure. Well, I know Freddie Prinze Jr., you know. But his father. His father, I just know from the TV shows and stuff. Oh, so you do know. Vaguely. I know more Freddie Prinze Jr. from She's All That. That's why she jerked off. I was in my, like, prime, I want to be a comedian adolescence when Freddie Prinze was broke. And he was like, it was very different to have, like, you know, a

First of all, Puerto Rican. Sure. You know, that was like they were all, the liberals were all clapping themselves on the back. Yeah. We've got a funny young man, and the fact that he's from Puerto Rico doesn't make me like him any less. Right. You know, just very...

Like, ooh, we got-- and of course, that was tragic. He killed himself. I think it was a mistake. I think he was so zonked out. He was depressed and zonked out and just-- you can be so fucked up, you don't really know what you're doing. And he could have had a-- but when I was starting out, that was a sensation, that he went on "The Tonight Show,"

So different. And his big catchphrase was the point here, the super. And the super was always saying, he's not my job. That was his catchphrase. It would come back in his act. You know, it would, you know, callbacks. Yeah. It was, that was his, he's not my job. He's not my job.

Now, let's talk about, because we've been trying to get to it for 20 minutes, what the hell with this couple with the house in New Jersey? You went back, you said it was a sentimental story. It was. Well, I mean, that's the house I grew up in. Right. And by the way, what would you do if you found out Freddie Prinze Jr. killed himself after you read your 10-year-old poem? Okay, so I go back to...

So one of my two friends from young childhood, one was my neighbor, and his parents still live there, as they did when I lived there. Is your friend still with us, or is he no longer with us? Yes, he's with us. I mean, they're still with us. They're in their 90s. Wow, they're still with us. Yes, and they're in their... They must be boosted. What do you mean? Vaccine. What? Oh, the vaccine. The double booster.

Yeah, let's not get to that. No, no, no. I don't care about the vaccine at all. Oh, good. Yeah. I guess I don't want to argue with that. I don't care. The doctor told me I've had chlamydia enough. I'm good. So, yeah, he's a little younger than me, but basically my age. We grew up together. Mm-hmm.

What is he doing now? He's a drummer. Oh, that's good. He's on drums in Broadway shows. Beautiful. Yeah, he's a very creative guy. Both too creative. And there's two creative neighbors. What are the chances? Yeah. Yeah, and they were-- my family and their family were very close. It was great. When they moved in, before that, there was a cop who beat his wife. My mother had to help-- What are you going to do, not beat your wife? My mother had to help her move. I remember that. It's horrible, but that's what the cops do. That's what you want, to be the cops.

It's horrific. I'm not, I'm not provoking, but it's like, you know, you guys, you know, if a guy's hitting his girlfriend in high school, this is who we get for the cops. That's who we get. That's what we want. It's not who we want, but it's like, you know what I mean? What do you want? You want fucking anarchy like you have now? Get the cops out there, start throwing some shit around a little bit.

I feel like I'm in the role of the ventriloquist. Ladies and gentlemen, don't mind my dummy stupid-o and the stupid things he says. My goal for this podcast is to have Chuck cut more shit from my episode than the Richard Dreyfuss one. Oh, no, no, no. We ain't cutting shit. No, don't cut it out. I don't care at all. Oh, no. That's the great thing about a podcast. Look, I mean, none of us can or should say anything, but I feel like... It's all joking. There is a difference in the medium between...

Real time is just a different animal. It's the one I love the most. It's my real baby. But there is a difference in what you can sort of like just

brain fart away that's not a brain fart kind of show which this is i mean i think we know it's wall to wall right yeah that's why like you know i know you've had him on the show and i'm good friends with jimmy kimmel you know and yes and when i talk to him and hang out with him we're dying laugh and talking about funny but then on the tv show you know you have to stay a bit in a box i get it it's a produced thing but but that's why with you it's so awesome to just cut it loose because this is like what real comedy is

Yeah, and also I wanted to do this because most people are not political. Yeah. Like, this is great talking to you. I'm in a blast. Yeah, I couldn't care what your political views were. But you wouldn't be right for real time. Right. You know what I mean? Because I don't know, have a background in politics. Well, I mean, we could talk at the, you know, yeah, I mean, you don't really have an issue with,

you know, like that would be the top of the show. What the fuck is that? I'm not right for real time. What the fuck is that about? Well, you know what I mean? I can't get on real time now? Because you said you're not political. Yeah, but so what? I'll come on the show and throw it around a little bit. Yeah, but...

That could work too. It could work. Why not? Do a little bit. I mean, that's what my old show was. Did you ever see that show, Politically Incorrect? Of course, dude. Everybody wants your shit. Okay, so that was where you mixed the experts in with the... Yeah. Why not bring that back? Have a night where you come, bring in a fucking idiot, and that's me. Yeah.

Well, let me start talking to fucking someone of these one of these presidential candidates and about the real issues. When Bill Burr was the best when he was on the show. At one point he goes, I feel like I'm in high school. I didn't study for the test. Yeah.

And I don't try to do that. But it's just a show. It's a different show for a specific audience that, you know, that's their interest. I'll get on real time one day. One day we'll do it. We'll develop a relationship and then we'll see what happens. You know, that is such a mature attitude. I'm not sure I would have had that attitude at your age. That's the exact right attitude, which is like let things evolve organically. They will. And you're totally right about that. That's it.

Control the, all I can do, Bill, ready for this, control the output, not the outcome. I'm all about my effort. What the results? I don't know. I'll just try to give you the best I can and we'll see what happens. Well, it's going great for you. I mean, easy for you to say that. You're like selling out Radio City and shit. That's like, not a big thing. Hey, whatever happens, whether I sell 20,000 or 22,000, I'll just accept it. The good thing about where I'm at. You're very fortunate that you were born, you

You know, I mean, you worked, yes. Yes. But same as me. Like, there is a part of comedy you just have to be born with. Yeah. You can't just want to be a comedian. There are people who do, and then shysters will open schools in comedy. Always, yeah. And you cannot teach...

the bottom line of it. You just can't. Well, and it's good, too, because comedy keeps you humble, and there's humility. I think, like, a lot about life, you know, I want my daughters to know, like, you know, you've got to keep humility and a likability about you, and life just does that sometimes. Like, the same week, you know, September 22nd and September 23rd of last year, I did Radio City one night and theater at MSG the next night. So that's 10,000, 11,000 tickets I sold, right? Huge. So it's great. Then the very next weekend, the very next weekend...

I do a show in Vegas. I sold 400 seats out of 2,000. So right away, it's just a nice fuck you where it's like, hey, level, don't think who you are. And it's always like keeping me grounded, you know? Right. No, that's...

exactly what it is and your how do you stay grounded your agent should have known that yes he does he did that's okay but how do you how do you honestly this is an honest question because you know it's like you know not giving away info but it's like you're obviously doing very well you've you've worked hard for it you you've created the success how do you it's

I can stay grounded because there are... Yes, I'm doing well in some instances, but I'm not a household name as you've become. How do you stay grounded, which is the most important part of comedy, is being relatable to the common man. How do you do that at such a high level? I mean... It's an honest question from my seat. Really? From the dry fish chair. I mean...

Because you're humble and you don't know. You're making an issue out of something that's actually a non-issue. I believe you're sincere, but you're making me too exalted to have this be a problem. There are show business lives that are so exalted that

Mostly musicians. - Right. - You know, people just go fucking ape bananas for musicians and music. It reaches you on a primal level. And nobody else can really compete. I mean, yes, a handsome movie star, a beautiful movie star, but not even that quite as much as music. I mean, they go apeshit for rock stars and stuff. Like on that level, this question is relevant.

But, you know, I was in Whole Foods the other day. It was not a problem. But no, I understand. But I guess like my point is like writing stand up material specifically, you know, Elton John or Steven Tyler can write a song about living the life and people love it. Bruce Springsteen. But you can't write a bit about, you know, kind of.

How successful you've been. You have to be relatable to the common and what you've done a great job of being relatable to the common man, despite having immense success with some other comics, some of your contemporaries. When I watched their latest specials, I'm saying I liked your old stuff better because now you're coming out to pyrotechnics and you're talking about your helicopter. And the guy who just spent, you know, $150 to come see you with his wife is like, I don't relate to this guy, but yet you stay relatable. So that there's,

You've had to be cognizant of that. Yeah, I mean, there are different levels. People have different ways of marking success. I mean, influence can be success and money can be success and numbers can be success. You have huge PA numbers. Right. In certain markets. I don't play those arenas. But in certain markets. Okay, right. Exactly. But I'm saying...

The original 13, that's where I saw it. We're back to that. What are you... I'm Colonial Chrissy. I was just going to say, are you advocating for some sort of retrenchment? I come out to the National Anthem holding a bayonet. We return to the good old days of 1787. I mean...

No, but I don't – it was just a kind of a question, inquisitive question on my part because it's just as someone, a peer of yours but also looking up to you, I'm like how do you do that? If I ever got to your level, I wonder how I would react to certain things. Well, you'll get – you've already passed me on one level.

How? How many did you sell it to? But that's one market in New York City. Okay, but I'm just saying it takes many forms. So I don't know. And there's so many things that go into what some people think there's just a giant success if they are doing something that they love. Right.

Other people think success is just always working. You know, there's lots of show people like that. They will, you know, game shows. Sure. Just whatever. Yeah. Not that game shows are bad or something to, you know, I'm not saying that at all. Yeah.

But, you know, it's just, or even reality shows. Sure. It's just like that to them is success is I work in this business. Right, right. Okay. I see what you mean. I see what you're getting at. And then some people it's just like their success is my peers respect me. Right, right.

when the players vote i'm on the all-star team you know that's a type of success yes there's many and then sometimes just like i'm living baller lifestyle you know i got a jet and i got bling and i got houses and tigers well i could tell you that i don't want to be presumptuous here but i do feel like

I feel like I really like you, and I feel like we'll hang again. I'd like to hang with you. I can almost guarantee it. Yeah, I feel like you're the one who I bet you it would be hard to get together with because you have a wife and kids. I mean, we're all busy in our careers. Sure.

No, but I would come. I would just come. I would come hang with you. But I would have to bring 25. Can I ask you a very personal question? You said no limits, right? No limits, dude. You ask me whatever you want. So honestly, truth or dare, honestly, if you want to do something, just say anything, but let's say this. Like go hang out with Bill Maher on a fucking bender for two days in L.A.,

Do you have to run everything by your wife or can you just like say, I'm doing it and it's not up for... I absolutely have zero free will. She 100% rules my life. And Bill, make no mistake, if we become friends after this, you will get a text from my wife saying, hey, Bill, this is Jasmine.

Can't wait to hang out with you. Oh. If I ever came here... You're going to give her my number? Dude, if I ever came in here, you would think I was coming with a caravan of Puerto Rican people. I would come in here rolling 40 Puerto Ricans deep, and your liberal ass would have to say, open the door, let them in. So...

because she has many relatives. Bill, let me tell you something. I'm going to get home in about two, three days from now. I'm going to walk into my house. There will be three Puerto Rican people I don't know in the house that are family members. It's a beautiful part of the Puerto Rican culture, which I love very much, but it is honest. There are always multiple family members coming to my house. I have a big house. They come and they hang. I have no problem. What town is your house? You're in Queens? We were in Staten Island, but then we moved to Queens. But now I'm thinking about moving back to Staten Island.

You lost a bet? No, you know, I fucked up, dude. No, you know, I fucked up. You know, self-sabotage is a real thing. I don't know if you're a self-sabotager. Oh, I am not, but I've seen it. I saw it in comics. I started with...

I guess I could say this about him now because I dearly love him and he just died, Richard Belzer. One of the best hosts of all time. I heard he was the comedy people talk in New York about. He was the host of Catch a Rising Star and the best guy. We called him MC. MC, sorry, yeah. MC, yeah.

Well, it's funny. I started just when he was sort of peaking at Catch a Rising Star. He was like the big star waiting to break out to a new... Right. So he kind of took me under his wing. So when he had MC duties, which he was doing just because they paid you $50 to do it... Sure. He was over it, and he didn't want to do it. Right.

He didn't want to show up at 9 o'clock to start the show, so I covered for him, and he took the money. As the emcee? Yes, because it was his night. Right. And he'd show up in the middle of the night and do an hour or two, and then I would, you know, he'd also leave and I'd do the end. So the place was run loosely like that. Right. So it was good for both of us. Right. But I loved him dearly. Yeah. And, oh, self-sabotage. Self-sabotage.

There were some times, I mean, he was sort of like touted to be, you know, he was going to be like the next

biggest, like Richard Pryor level. They compared him to Pryor and he hung around with people like Pryor. - So cool. - They, Chevy Chase, Robin Williams, Christopher Reeve, there was a little gang there in New York and they treated him as a peer just based on this little 200 seat nightclub where it was the hip club, Catch a Rising Star, owned by the mob, was the rumor. Was the rumor. Rick Newman, the owner,

Where was that geographically? Was that also? First Avenue, between 77th and 78th. Wow. It's now a city MD. Oh, I don't want to even think. It's a Duane Reade. Yeah. It's something horrible. Yeah. It was great. But Richard Belzer did, I think, he could have had, I mean, he became famous from the 70s.

detective shows, much more than what he really was a genius at. And I'm telling you, in that club, he was a kind of genius, 'cause he was everything. He was kind of Don Rickles, he had that. He would talk to the audience and was just hysterical and mean, but never seemed to get beat up over it and go through women's purses in the front row. And he had bits. The thing was, he never once wrote one word down

So, you know, he couldn't do like two shows because he wouldn't remember what he did from the first show. So he had these bits that were recurring. One of my favorite was like, he would just like, he'd be talking about one thing and riffing and he'd be like, and he had a band behind him. The house band always played for Belzer and nobody else. That's why we knew he was the king. So the stage was this big and somehow they fit a piano and a bass and a drummer up there. Right.

So he would be like, one of his bitbusters, why do all singers give you this move? Everything will be okay as soon as I get my neck fixed.

That's such a silly bit. It was so great. But he would self-sabotage, you're saying? Yes. He would just, like, nudge. He had a couple of big ones I think he didn't show up for, that kind of thing. Like a big level. There was some gig, like...

Maybe it was the Schaefer Music Festival or something. It was a big gig. And he didn't show up. He was not, yes. I think he probably, I don't know. I mean, that was a long time ago and I hope he'll not. Fear of success, maybe? I felt like that was something. I mean, he was a complicated guy. Right. As most comics are. But a beautiful guy. I mean, he was so warm and brotherly to me. You know, I was 24, 23, 24.

Yeah, 23 when I got there. He was 35. To me, that was like James Bond. Of course. And he was cool. He wore black. And Rick Newman, the owner, wore black. And Mark Krantz, he was another hip, cool guy who wore black. He ran the club. And they'd all go out like a little pack. And I'd be like,

Can I come? No. Fucking dweeb from the suburbs of New Jersey. Go back to New Jersey. Yeah, your first year in comedy. Where do you get on the stage once? Yes. So I was not even in that world. But slowly, you know, I wormed my way into their hearts. We are all comics. Yes. And, you know, you can try to be charming in your way. So Belzer was just, I mean, he was something else. You know, he was just, and just would blow you away sometimes, you know,

with the talent on stage in that setting, but it was just not the kind of thing like moving a baby bird that falls out of the sky that you can transplant. - Right. Because for somebody, again, like me, comedy fan and all that, you stretch all the way back to the Johnny Carson days. So you now sitting here, a bit older, more established, do you look back at those Johnny Carson times being like, "I cannot believe

Like I did Johnny Carson type because I did David Letterman. And for me, even though I loved and I was so appreciative of doing it, for me it's like, oh, okay, I just did David Letterman. Like I care and I'm appreciative, but I'm like, whatever. Sometimes people go, oh, you did Letterman? But is Carson different? Is it like was Carson a different thing? I mean, it was, you know, Carson was the biggest king Leighton I'd ever had as far as like the era goes.

There was like three channels. So, you know, he would draw, there was, I think his top year, he routinely, this is like nightly drew 17 million people. - Jesus. - Yes, 'cause there was nothing else to do. There was no video games, there was no fucking phones. There wasn't TikTok and a million distractions. There weren't 800 networks.

There was Johnny or whoever was the sacrificial lamb against them on the other network. Right. And Channel 7 had news or some shit. So you felt it the night you did it, the next night you felt your career. No. It was just another, it was, nothing changed. No.

Something changed psychologically, but it wasn't like, yeah, the next day I'm riding the subway and everybody's like, hey. You're the Carson guy. There was an era where that happened, but you had to do it like David Brenner was kind of the last guy to become a big comedic star just from The Tonight Show. He never had a sitcom, you know. Right. Yeah, because what's fascinating to me is, like you mentioned earlier on in the show, and this is just the same with history as it goes. I love history.

It's like you had said, in the 70s, people were like, ooh, a Freddie Prinze, a Puerto Rican, trying to kind of shoehorn diversity in no matter what and be like, look at us, we're heroes because we're promoting diversity. And I would think...

Oh, that just started when I started comedy, but that's been around for 40 years. Just as, you know, 2,000 years ago, they were having similar problems to we're having today, but it's just they're wearing different uniforms and have different haircuts and different countries are in power. It's all the same.

Some of it. I mean, 2,000 years ago, some of it's the same. A lot of it is not. Well, if you listen to, like, Marcus Aurelius and you read some of that Stoicism stuff, I mean, they're talking about the same bullshit back then as we are today. Well, yes. Most of all those ideas, that's true, like basic philosophical ideas, were probably all thought of, like, before the time of Christ and then...

Later on, people added on little things or they argued about them. I mean, a lot of it is people in later centuries arguing about what they wrote, you know, what did Plato mean? And some of it is just plain outdated. Right. You know, some of it is, I mean, even Plato and Aristotle and Socrates, they...

People certainly didn't have the idea that women were equal for a very long time. They still don't in Middle Village, where Chuck is from. They still don't in a lot of places around the world. But in America, that's one of my issues with wokeness is like,

You're not better than me just because you always think things are worse. You actually don't have a good perspective on where on the scale. Are things perfect? No, and they never will be. But really, compared to the rest of the world and compared to what we were 10, 20, 30, 40, 50 years ago, it's like 90%.

- Day and night and day, I lived through it. - If anybody from 100 years ago, no matter what race or religion you were, came alive today, they would be in tears about how great the world has become and how much different things are and how much better things are. - Right. - So sometimes I'm like, when I hear people complaining and yelling about our country, I'm like,

Like, you know, I heard a guy, I was at a comedy club and, you know, I was doing a bit about diversity or whatever. And the guy was like, America is the least diverse place in the world. I said, where are you from? He said, Sweden. I said, Sweden? It's all fucking white people. You have zero diversity in that country. What are you talking about? Actually, that bit is outdated. I hate to tell you. Why?

Because Sweden allowed a substantial number of Syrians and Afghanistan folks from those two wars. And it's not... So now it's 99.8% white. Yeah, and it's not gone all that smoothly. Yes, not great. As far as like... This is amazing. Want some ice, Bill? Is this free? Yeah.

It's free ice. You're not drinking any tequila. I'm the only one drinking tequila. Yeah. I don't even know how to light this. I'm not good with lighters. Can you light it for me? Yeah. Thank you. I got weird thumbs. Look at that. The thumbs. I don't know how to fucking light shit.

What is that? Is that the Ridge wallet? What is that? That is a cigarette case. I feel like it's so sophisticated, and yet it costs eight bucks on Amazon. That's it. Amazon's the king. Let me tell you. I'd like to fucking suck off Jeff Bezos. Who wouldn't, right? You ever meet him? Jeffy B.? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He's probably a fan of you. I bet you Bezos is a fan of you. He texts me from time to time. Jeffy B. He's a good man.

I mean, I've seen him. For the right price, I'll fucking promote Alibaba all day, though. Am I sucking on this side? Yeah. Here it is. You do know the basics of you light one side and suck one side. That hasn't changed. I was a basketball player, so I would get drug tested. I didn't want to let my father down. My father was a guy...

My father's a good man. He used to come from Staten Island. Ready for this? Take a ferry, two buses to come see me where I live with my mother in Ridgewood. And then he didn't have a job. And he wanted me to make the NBA, even though I was a scrawny white kid with psoriasis. He would want me to make the NBA.

We would shoot 1,000 jump shots a day. 1,000 jump shots a day. And my father, with his two bum knees, would go get the rebounds at Farmers' Oval Park in Ridgewood. And he had a broom that he would hold up to mimic, like, seven-foot, you know, NBA-sized guys. So my father, you know, I would... He was very kind of, um... Want you to play basketball. He wanted to play for the New York Yankees. Didn't make it, of course. And he...

Wanted me to play ball, so I never did drugs. What's the highest you ever got? I was in Division III, so the third division, but I was an All-American, so one of the top ten in college. So I played...

Like, I was, in my neighborhood, I was the kid that played ball. Right. So much to the point where my friends from the neighborhood would come see me do comedy. They were like, you don't talk about playing basketball. That's what we knew you as, as the athlete. I'm sure you're a really, really, I mean, I have a court here I play every day. Let's play. But I'm sure you're real, yeah, I would. Yeah.

I'm sure you're really good. And it's the kind of the way sometimes you see somebody singing like in a restaurant and they're like, wow, this band is awesome. And they're in a restaurant.

In the same way, you can be like such an amazingly good athlete and still not good enough to play on the professional level. So you broke your father's heart, you fucking prick. I'm a piece of shit. And instead I went into comedy, which to him is an art form, so I might as well have just been blowing the microphone.

Really? He thinks show business is gay? That is really old school. He did, but he's come around now. He's not first generation, is he? No, no, no, no. He's been here. Second, third generation. But from Italy. He's first generation Rikers Island.

And so he he's you know, it's great to have a parent at least, you know, I get it. One thing I learned about embarking on this career is the people who are the closest to you, who love you the most, are going to probably be the least confident in you because they they are so worried about you not making it and they just want what's best for you. OK, but now you did make it. But but.

But I'm saying I don't disparage my mother or my family for in the beginning trying to talk me out of it. Right. Because they were just worried. They wanted what's best for me. At that point, I was like mad. I was upset. But my father from the beginning was always like, Chris, I have your back 100%.

100 so i still to this day remember that like he was the guy sitting front row at the maui taco when i was doing open mics you know for nobody and i was a loser he was like i got your back which i respect about him and but that's why i made such a point about my parents right and giving them their props they respected you because it's not your space your thing is the more usual story

parents are usually like, come on, that's a pipe dream. Yes. How many people are going to miss? Whereas my parents just let it happen. And like they knew like saying no. What are they going to say? First of all, I wasn't asking for money. Right.

But they could have been like, oh, make something of your life. It goes quickly. You know, you're going to wake up in 10 years and you know, they just let it play out. And I was on The Tonight Show three and a half years later. That to answer your question about The Tonight Show, what was what was great about The Tonight Show to your family? Now you're in show business. Got it. It's like that was like your graduation ceremony. Right. So for that reason, it was, you know, but it doesn't like.

make you a star. It didn't in that era. You had to like, we all, all the comics I started, we all wanted to get on a sitcom. That's what it was. That was it. It was, everything was an audition for something else. Right. And doing The Tonight Show was an audition to get on a sitcom. Right. Where now that's in my generation. That's exactly what happened. Yeah. Now, now. It was my, the 80s was sitcoms and silly movies. Yeah. Yeah. Now, now, now that's like, now it's like that does, I still want to do that stuff, but I know that it doesn't have the

power it once was but i don't want to do things to make money but do you want to act is that it yeah oh you do yeah yeah in my household anybody everybody loves raymond ray romano that was the guy that was everybody in my from my neighbor there were two guys ray romano and colin quinn everybody was like ray romano sounds like us colin quinn sounds like us these were the guys i love ray i don't know him that well just had him on real time and then he made real time

Well, he had a-- he had-- well, you know what? Fucking guy. He resisted it all these years. And he was-- and he's a huge devoted watcher. But he was like, I don't think I'm smart enough.

But he had, of course, plenty smart enough. So are you. Yeah. If you're not interested in a certain... Why don't I come on and just start massaging the guests? I've been Dr. Green physical therapy. How about that? What about if that's the bit? I start fucking stretching out, Candace Owens. Listen, we're going to do a gym teacher theme show. Do it. We've got...

it was the Jim Jordan. Yeah. We've got Dennis Haskins. Yeah. Uh, we've got some of the Olympic coaches who went to prison. Yeah. Just your teachers. I'll come in there. I'll give fucking Marco Rubio a fucking tune-up. Uh,

But who was I just saying? Oh, Ray Romano. Love him. Great. He had a movie. I just saw it. I liked it a lot. And he filmed it in the neighborhood Queens. But you know, it's about the kid who's a basketball player. It's very similar to your story. He's he's a guy. See, see, this is I learned a valuable lesson. I learned a valuable lesson for the failure failure. I think, you know, I want I have children. So I want my kid, you know, as much as a parent, you want to protect them.

I know that failure is good for them. The biggest failure I ever had is I had a sitcom pilot, CBS sitcom pilot. 2016, we filmed the whole thing. Les Moonves was calling me personally on the phone telling me I'm going to be the next guy. They introduced me to Kevin James. They introduced me to Ray Romano. They said, this is CBS royalty. This is where your show's going to go. Chaz Palminteri playing my father, Annie Potts playing my mother, Diane Guerrero playing my wife. It was like the

We were like, we're coming out strong. I had sold the show in the room to CBS, NBC, ABC, buying it in the room. I'm with the guys who created How I Met Your Mother, CBS Royalty. I'm like, holy shit, this is going to happen. So we're going. What was the show about? The show was about my life. My life is with my girlfriend, Jasmine. We, you know, very quickly, the second, third date, she conceived our baby.

daughter, our daughter, my eight year old. Right away, we met at this bar called Place de Beach. I met her. I could not pull out. There's no way you could pull out. She's so beautiful that I was just like, bang, cannot happen. She said, Boppy, I let it fly. And she, and I don't wear condoms. You know, how could you? Well, again, kids, my dummy is

Now apologize to the nice people. If you're having sex with a condom, are you really having sex? Come on. As we all are. As I said, but... I was just going to say,

You go there with that gross shit. Too much, right? This is why my family's not proud of me. Are you on my mother's side now? I've always been squeamish about shit and fart jokes. That's the last dirty joke I'll make. I apologize. Lots of stuff doesn't bother me, but like, yeah. They're done. That's the last one. That's my one issue with like family guy. And Seth and I have talked about it many times. Like he loves shit and fart jokes.

And I hate to like see a pile of shit. And they think it's hysterical. Seth MacFarlane, to me, is one of the... Seth MacFarlane and the guys who created South Park, those two guys are such comedy geniuses that they don't even get nominated for awards anymore because it's just like everybody else but those two because they're just head and shoulders above everybody. But that's always a dangerous thing to do. What do you think? When you name two people

in the same, like, I've had that happen to me. I just read a funny thing David Mamet said about it in one of his books, and he was like, "Whenever somebody comes up to me and says, 'You know, I love what you're doing. You're just the best,' you end, and then they mention another person." And he said, "And it's always someone who I just fucking hate." You think Seth MacFarlane doesn't like Trey Parker and Matt Stone? I have no idea, but I'm just saying... They're so similar. Again,

I've had it happen to me, and I've thought ill of it. No, Bill. Look, I love Captain what is it? Kangaroo? No, what is it? Captain America. Team America. Team America. Everybody has AIDS, AIDS, AIDS. Oh, Team America World Police is one of the all-time greatest movies. Hysterical. I'm amazed it still gets shown.

It still comes on because it's very politically incorrect. So I give them all that credit. I never really got into the show, mostly because I haven't given it a chance. Because I was friends with Seth way back, and I was like, no, I'm team family guy.

And so like, let's just say I saved it. I mean, someday, because people do oftentimes say you would like South Park. And I'm sure I would because I loved Team America. It's amazing. And it's one of those things where like, you know, yet again on a podcast, I've regrettably said something about someone I love in a weird way. I love Seth MacFarlane. I love what he, again, he's a comedy genius. If I ever saw him in the street, I would never ever say that I love him. I would walk the other way and fucking dive into traffic.

because I would never want to even bother him. Like, I'm that guy. I'm the guy who, like, if I love you, I would never even, I wouldn't say a word, because I'm like, I don't want to bother you at all. And then I would just push it down and give myself high blood pressure about how I'm not, you know, a more strong-willed person and just tell the person I like that I like them.

Why can't you fix these problems about yourself? I could if you go to betterhelp.com slash Bill Maher. No, I know. We all have things like that. I was talking about self-sabotage. I feel like, Bill, and help me with this, I feel like I'm a guy who when I have peace, like when I have peace at home with my family, when I have peace at financial freedom, I look for the chaos. And, for example, I had peace at home last year. I had peace. I had peace.

I had a house with a great mortgage rate in a great area. It was the house of our dreams. And I said, you know what? Let's sell this house on Staten Island so we can move to Queens so I can walk to a bagel store. I feel like I like this house in Staten Island, but you know what? I can't walk and get a coffee, and that's really important for my creative process. So now I'm in a situation where I'm going to buy another house that's twice as much money, that's half the size, that's twice the mortgage rate,

And my family has looked at me and said, Chris, why the fuck, dad, why did we leave this beautiful thing we have? And I have to kind of face the music of I self-sabotage. And it used to be I'm just hurting myself, but now I'm hurting members of my family. And I want to try to correct that. You're very fortunate that you're self-sabotaging with such a cushion.

It's one thing to self-sabotage with no cushion. It's another thing to self-sabotage with mortgages that are less advantageous than others, but you're still living there. But self-sabotage is... Yeah, no, that's... I mean, if it's really just to get a bagel, I mean, that is kind of weird. I don't know. I mean, I'd have to see where you lived in Staten Island. I want you to sleep over.

Well, we know that's not going to happen. Why not? Bill, you would never do it? I would never do it anywhere. I would never do Airbnb or no. You'd rather, when you go to another place, are you in a hotel or you're in Airbnb? Of course. Not an Airbnb. What? What are you, a fucking migrant?

Exactly. Like, what am I? Yeah, please, let me wash your pubes off the soap. Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Eric Adams. I just, I don't, look, I don't get so many things about what you kids are doing, but that's really. Am I a kid to you? I'm 39. I'm grown. No, but I. Chuck was telling me I'm 39. He doesn't realize how young I feel. I feel like my youth is ending now and my late 30s. Yeah, well, you're middle age. I am. Am I middle age? Of course.

At 39, where were you at in your life and career? What were you doing? Do you remember? Politically incorrect? No, it's a blank. 35 to 42, I don't know. Yes, I remember. What were you doing at 39? Well, it was the third year of Politically Incorrect. It was doing really well for Comedy Central.

The next year it would be our last year, then we went to ABC. So we were right in the middle of a good groove. Is that the year? Okay, I was still living in New York, which I did not like. Oh, good, you got me back to New York. That's the second time. Okay, so the first time I lived on 8th Avenue between 55th and 56th. Okay, across from the Blimpies where I ate all the time. Love Blimpies. They're defunct now.

I'm sure they are. There's no blimpies anymore. I like a good quiz now sometimes. But then in the '90s when I moved back to do Politically Incorrect, to start-- In New York? Because it was in New York, yes. It was HBO Downtown Productions, their production company. And it was on Comedy Central, which was a new network with very little programming. Down on Hudson Street, was it? No, it was 23rd Street was the studio. On the east side, like Lexington, nondescript, but fine.

So, you know, I would walk. New York, you could... Walking 30 blocks is not a big deal breaker if it's night. You get your steps in. Yeah, yeah. So...

Yeah, so that time, okay, so now it's the '90s, I'm older, I'm doing better, I've got a TV show. I still fucking hated New York. And I still never, the thing I mean-- - Well, we love you. - I don't like, no, look, it's my home, it's my home base, it's where my father worked, it's where my family's from, and there are things I do love about it, but I never liked the weather.

Too cold in the winter, too muggy in the summer. My father used to say, there's 10 nice days a year. He ain't wrong.

Okay, so then I don't like living in a building. Okay. I really don't. It's just gross knowing there are people on the other side of a fucking wall. It's, I know you're there. Just because there's this piece of wood between us. I know you're pissing in the sink. I mean, whatever. It's just, it's gross. Roaches, you can't stop roaches in New York buildings. And you can't, well, in my first apartment, I remember waking them up sometimes crawling on me. Of course. So. You had a bathtub in the living room.

Well, that was a different apartment. That apartment, oddly, although it didn't really have... Yes, no shower, barely a toilet, really just a hole and a chain. But it did not have roaches on 99th Street. Well, you look like you keep a good house. But the 8th Avenue one really was so disgusting. Oh, yeah. 8th Avenue is still pretty gross. No, I mean the roach situation. I mean, because you're... Again...

Everyone in the building has to be perfect with their trash. And they're not going to do that. No, and the rats are in the walls. I mean, the roaches or whatever. The super, it's not my job. Exactly. You can see how that was a great exit line, a great recurring, it's not my job. It's not my job. Your girlfriend says, it's not my job. You just move it all around the house. It's amazing.

Let me ask you this, Bill, if you don't mind. What do you think has been the worst year of your life? Is there one that sticks out? Great question, Merv. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. The worst year, I would have to say...

It would be the year where I was most depressed, traumatized. And that would be when I was 17. Okay. When my first girlfriend dumped me. Why'd she dump you? Because I was acting like a dick. She was right to dump me. Okay. I had become like bored and complacent. Right. And being young, did not know how to fake it like we all do. So that was a traumatizing year for you?

The incredibly-- to this day,

And I'm going to be 68 next week. You're going to be 68? That's what I hear. Bill, you look incredible. Well. No, no, no, no, Bill. Let me tell you something right now. Let me tell you something right now. I'm on the floor, like your boy, Richard Dreyfuss, emotionally, that you are 68 years old. Okay. Holy shit. Thank you. No, no, no, dude, you look fantastic. Are you on Ozempic? Tell us the truth. No, I'm not on Ozempic. Dr. Drew.

But to this day, I've had nothing more traumatic ever happen to me. And I've had pretty shitty things, but not... I've also been very lucky. So 51 years ago was your most dramatic year. Yes, because... That's beautiful. Because... Good for you. I was... Like, the first time you get dumped after you think, oh, I'm going to be with this person and this is my girlfriend, and I just...

it came as such a shock, 'cause you're just so young and stupid. - Sure. - So it's not like when you were an adult, and you are a little more aware, the more times you enter into a relationship on the poor side of it, the more you in a way debase how unique it is. - Right. - Whereas if you marry the first person you ever kiss, and you know, you don't ever perhaps-- - You don't ever know any different. - Right. It's pathetic what people do.

So what's the best year of your life then? If you can imagine with everything you've lived through, if 51 years ago was the worst, then what would you say, if you had to single it out, is the best? That's really hard because at different points in your life, different things are important. So it's a little like comparing Babe Ruth and, you know...

Aaron Judge. Right. You know, you could, but Babe Ruth played when there weren't night games. Right. The dead ball era. Well, he changed that. But yes, there was the dead ball era and also Little Mitts

They didn't wear real big gloves. They wore mitts like they were oven gloves. Yeah, well, it was literally a mitt, so no wonder they caught less balls. Babe Ruth's lifetime batting average is 342. If he played today, it would be 100 points lower. Of course. So it's a little like that, comparing how you felt in your 30s, because every decade you probably have

Okay, so what's been your best decade? Would you say, if you could, let's say you live to 100, which you might, because you look like a guy who might freeze himself. Let's say, would you possibly pull Walt Disney? No, but I'm certainly counting on AI to step up and solve this age thing. Yes, I think so. But would you say your best decade, if you could go back to any decade, would it be your 60s, your 50s, your 40s? It was this one. This one, that's very interesting. Yeah.

I'm telling you, Bill, and a lot of people are sure. I cannot believe you're 68. You are fantastic. I mean, I had, like, maybe when I was in love in X year or X year, you know, and relationships tend to have a curve of, like, you know, where they kind of...

Keep getting better. And then, you know, at a certain point, you know, it's very hard to keep the passion at its boil level, especially if you start out that way like you did without a condom. Right away. Right away. I made it where from the first moment we met, I was like, there's no getting out of this. We are having a baby. Really? You know what it was? That's your opening line? You know what it was? You ready for this? I'm going to be vulnerable and honest with you right now. You ready for what it was? And this is where the self-sabotage comes in, and I don't regret it.

When I met my girlfriend, the first moment I saw her, I was like, I felt a connection and a passion that I cannot explain. Where I was like, it was something I felt from the cosmos. And this is 10 years later, so I know it's real. So I felt something. And I said, and when she told me, okay, when she told me in the first 10 minutes, because she's an excellent mother, that she had a child already. She had a four-year-old son.

I felt like, and that that kid's father was still in her life.

I felt like the only way I was going to feel significant to her is if her and I had a child too. So most people say, because I was already, you know, doing well enough. I was already on TV or whatever, not selling major tickets, but I was already like doing okay. People think the story is, oh, she must've trapped you. She must, she had a kid from somebody else already. She, you know, had a, you know, okay job. She trapped you on the way around my friend.

I trapped her because I knew... Why do anyone need to trap another person? Why? Aren't we starting off on a bad paradigm right there? Are you cold? Not after you get to know me. Okay. No, because you're bundled up right now. Isn't it kind of cold in here? No. Dude, you're a 68-year-old woman. But...

What? What? No, it's always been that way. Bill Maher. No, no, no. Who cares? Oh, look, I remember. We're done? No, we're not done. I'm just saying, I usually forget to do this. Are these mine? January 20th. Let me read them. Ladies and gentlemen, you'll see it's potluck. You'll see one of us, okay? If you like both of us, I say you can't lose. But January 27th, San Diego at the San Diego Civic Theater.

That sounds like you, but it could be me. February 16th and 17th, Las Vegas. Oh, this is me. David Copperfield Theater at the MGM Grand. And March 2nd, Houston, the Hobby Center. And March 3rd, El Paso, the Plaza Theater Performing Arts Center. And where are you performing, Chris? There it is. Bill Maher on David Copperfield Theater. He's on the Epstein List tour.

Who cares, right? And where am I, Bill? Yeah, where are you playing? I'll tell you where I'm not is real time with Bill Maher. Oh, well...

I thought you were into the organically. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Organically. I'm kidding. No, Bill, listen to me. Here's the thing. Maybe you fuck on the first date, but I don't. Okay, my friend. Listen, if you were Puerto Rican, I'd be fucking you right now. And where I'll be, you ready for this, folks? You ready for where I'll be? Phil?

February, listen to me, come out. February 2nd, the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville. Ah, I've played there many times. Legendary place, beautiful. Love it. And then February 3rd, the Warner Theater in Washington, D.C. And then February 8th, the Grand Sierra Resort, Reno, Nevada. And I'll tell you what, folks, I'll be open with you right now. I need your help. I'm not, I'll tell you what, it's no fucking Radio City. The ticket sales are 50% sold, if that.

Well, that's very honest. I've never quite heard anyone do a plug like that. That's refreshingly kind of beautiful. Either come to the show or I kill myself on stage. It's your choice. That's a very interesting way to do it. Well, I want to be honest with you, Bill. You might think about actually putting a gun to your head. But wait, let them.

Man, I'll be rock hard on stage. But let them see you put a bullet in there. At least give them a shot. Let's do it. And then threaten to kill. What am I doing? Am I sleeping over or what? No. Am I hanging out in the house? Yeah. Do you have to go somewhere? No. Oh, okay. So what are you out here for?

What are you, are you doing? I'm doing Jimmy Kimmel tomorrow. I came out here for you. I swear to God, I came out here when they told me when Chuck reached out, I came out here to do this. And then I, this Friday, I'm doing the Magnolia Theater out in San Diego. And then Saturday, I'm doing the Wiltern. That's awesome. You ever do the Wiltern? No, I don't think I've ever done the Wiltern.

Well, it seems like I'm not doing it either. I'm about 30% sold. I've done the Nokia. That's about 6,000. And you sold that puppy? Yes, I did. Yeah, the fact that... Buddy, I'm telling you, look at my L.A. ticket sales, and we are not the same. Can I say something about... I know Jimmy and Aaron Rodgers. Both have sat there, both my friends. I know they're beefing. I love them both, yeah. And, you know, I've got to say, Jimmy Kimmel is one of the sweetest, nicest guys, and I feel like I've not been...

as nice to him as he's been to me. I really mean that. I really think he's an awesome guy. He's such a sweet guy. I mean, there's a reason why he has had the success he's had. And that was my old time slot, you know, that we did a switch. Jimmy is one of those guys

who I've gotten to know him very well. I know. He's taken me under his wing a bit. I know he has. And he's a really, really great guy. He really is. And a comic first. When all that Aaron Rodgers shit went down and all that stuff, like I thought he handled it good, and I texted him J-E-T-S, Jets, Jets, Jets, and he wrote back LOL. Because he's just a good dude. You know, he's a good dude. And here's where, again, so that's Jimmy. I mean, I just think he's such a great guy, and again...

You don't last that long unless there's something innately about you that the audience, especially in these kind of jobs where you're just speaking directly, you're not reading cards. I mean, there's things we do as a bit off the prompter, but generally you're just speaking. They have to feel like there's something they like about you, that there's something that's real. And what he is comes across as just what he is, a great, funny, kind guy. Right.

It bothers me that he's beefing with Aaron. And Aaron was, look, I love Aaron. You know him personally as well. Well, he sat there. We are simpatico on medical matters. Right. Jimmy, I am not. And that's okay. We don't all have to agree. I think Jimmy is way too captivated by orthodox medicine.

ideology, and science is not religion. It's ever-changing and should be looking at different ideas. And I think he's, that's my opinion, he's way too indoctrinated into a certain mode of thinking and just ask Dr. Fauci, he has all the answers. And it is really, let's not to get into it, I've done it on many podcasts, but it's just not my way of thinking.

Aaron should not have made that original comment about Epstein. And, you know, whether it's technically true what he said, I mean, technically actionable what he said or not, you know, Link... And also, Jimmy Kimmel is like the last guy in the world who would fucking be... I might be caught on... I wouldn't, but... Well, Middle Village doesn't think you were on there. What? Middle Village does not think you're on there. No, I wouldn't... Look, I mean, I wouldn't be on there, but...

the idea that Jimmy Kimmel would be on that plane in that company, just first of all, he's not, he's a very successful guy. He's not of that stature. No. I mean, no offense, but he's just not of that stature and he's not into, you know, creepy stuff. Listen, I,

I know Jimmy relatively well. He's, again, a genuine dude, a guy who, as I've said, when you get to know him personally, like if he had a podcast like you, it would be shooting the shit. It would be like Jimmy is one of the funniest guys you talk to, a guy's guy. There's no way. Even some of the people who online, who on social media are like,

you know, buy into the bullshit about Jimmy. It's like, if you knew Jimmy, you'd realize he thinks just like you. He acts just like you. He's just a great guy. Well, he doesn't think just like me. He's way... Well, thinks differently than you. I'm talking about the guys from, like, Middle Village. He's to the woke of me. Right, which is fine. And again, that is fine. Because that's America. That's the beautiful part of our country is that we can have kind of differences of opinion. Exactly. And Russia, you can't do that. Especially when they're...

Slighter differences than the major ones like we both don't want Trump to be president right? Okay, I do you do and that's okay. No, I don't I I I I don't know if I'm beat you want to be full Yeah, I Donald Trump

The thing is, in New York for like- Queen's boy. Queen's boy. He's a Queen's boy. Donald Trump, when we were little kids, there was a festival on Crossbow Boulevard. Like the festival of San Gennaro? And he's Don Cheech dispensing favors to the- Is that really- We call it the festival of January 6th. No, no. There was a festival. When we were little kids, okay, everybody, this is true.

in Queens on Cross Bay Boulevard out in Howard Beach. There was a Howard Beach kind of, you know, festival, like, you know, fucking sausage and pepper stands and Ferris Bills and all that. Where's Howard Beach like related to Jones Beach? So Jones Beach is Long Island. Howard Beach is Queens. Oh.

- So further in. - Howard Beach is like the Italian, real old school Italian neighborhood. And at that festival-- - With a beach. - Right. I would always go, my dad would take me and my family, we would always go and as little kids, John Gotti, old mob boss, that's where he lived, his stomping grounds, he owned Howard Beach.

and Donald Trump would always be there. And John Gotti and Donald Trump to a little kid, to a little 10 year old kid were awesome. Shaking hands, cotton candy, whatever you want. So the thing is when you're from New York and the neighborhood I'm from, all of us have like at some point in our life been around an event where Donald Trump has been there and he is a very, very, very in person likable man. - Totally. I met him twice. - Yes.

Once, at the Playboy Mansion, it was the Midsummer Night's Dream party. So everyone is in either lingerie or men, some sort of sleeping attire. And he had the power suit on. Yes. Walking around, did like a lap. Yes. In the power suit. Yes. And yes, I agree. He was, and I've heard so many people say this in person, he was charming. Charming. In the sense that, and what is the definition of charming? Somebody who's interested in you. Right. Right.

And that's what we think is charming. And he was. It was like, you know, how are you doing? I mean, that is a way that a salesman ingratiates himself. But yeah, he was not the monster we saw so many times. I've made a choice. And again, this is just my choice. I'm not saying people at home should do this, but just my choice as a human being, if I'm

I don't know you personally, or if I've ever met you, I don't really have an opinion on you. I can't go by the edited versions that the media shows me. Like now I know you as Bill Maher. And I've sat down with you for two hours and I'm like, you know what, Bill? I like you, man. I was in your presence. I like you. I can't tell you if I like Zelensky, you're moving your jeans like you have a fake leg.

Like it got blown off and numb. And I don't know Zelensky. I don't know Joe Biden. I, to be honest, don't even know Donald Trump. So I can't tell you I have an opinion on them. I have an opinion on Jimmy Kimmel. I have an opinion on you. And I can tell you you're great guys because I've met you and I like you. OK, I like you, too. But that's ridiculous. You absolutely can have an opinion on people in politics. But how do I know? Because there are certain things that they do that get ridiculous.

reported in a newspaper certain things that are incontrovertible, including quotes. But how do I know that you didn't, not you, but the media didn't edit that and take words out? That's a crazy level of paranoia. I have many, many issues with the New York Times, but when they quote someone directly, I trust the New York Times is quoting the words exactly as they can. They are not doctoring it.

So, now... But a clip, sometimes a clip online on Twitter... No, what they can do... They're leaving out words or... No, what they... That's Twitter. Well, yes, that's why you should read a newspaper instead of get it from social media, because they can fuck with it that way. Now, what they can do in the New York Times, and what they do do, is...

Editorialize in the article. It should be reserved for the editorial page, but they do it on the front page and every page. So does the New York Post in the opposite direction. One of them is conservative and just gives you the conservative point of view, and one of them slants everything toward the liberal, democratic, and very often very woke point of view. And you... Yeah, so they will quote the accurate thing somebody says, but...

The editorial part comes in with, "Well, he said four things. Which one do we print? If you print one of them, it makes him sound stupid. If you print another one, maybe it sounds reasonable."

Those kind of decisions are made and they do affect how you see somebody. That's why you can't get news only from one source unless you want to be in a bubble. And I do not want to be in a bubble. And my whole success really is about breaking through that bubble and being the anti-bubble guy. I don't have a team. That's why I don't have a lot of support in, you know, like I will never get nominated for anything or, you know, never put me on a cover of a magazine, things like that, because that's like the establishment of

I am not playing in there. But that's a safer and better way to go. It's more appease, you know. It's a sacrifice that's worth it, is what it is. But you have, what the valuable lesson that I was getting to that I learned with this sitcom pilot that failed, okay, it didn't go, is what the valuable lesson I learned

is that you cannot put your hands, you cannot put your career in the hands of the media or the networks. You have to put it in the hands of your fans, and you've done an excellent job of that. Your fans are the ones who uphold you because, as you said, you're not getting nominated for these things. Your fans don't give a crap. They're supporting you for you, and that's a beautiful thing. And I think we both understand you could not possibly do both. I could not possibly speak...

the way I do that makes them such loyal fans. Right. And also,

be with Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes. It's just two different universes. And I'm not picking on her, but I mean, there are people who are woke approved and safe, and then there are people who are the opposite of that. I noticed that they are mulling having Ricky Gervais back, which would be awesome because he is not. He is the one. I got to give him a lot of props to be even considered.

and he won the award this year because he's out there as far as upsetting the woke apple cart. As a comedian, and I would assume you would agree, as a comedian, to me,

There is nobody better served for that Golden Globe spot. If we're just talking about comedy, then Ricky Gervais. The best. He was so great at it. Ricky Gervais, his shows, his scripted shows, when I watch Afterlife, when I watch Derek, when I watch his version of The Office, I look at him and I say, you know, there's the Ray Romanos, there's the Jerry Seinfelds. But when I watch Ricky Gervais, I say, that is a man.

I, as a comedian, I love his style and I love his unapologetic version of him. And that's a guy in that world, in that scripted world, I would...

kill for a chance to work with Ricky Gervais. To me, he's the best to ever do the scripted show, in my opinion. Subjective opinion. Like The Office. Yes. And Derek and The Afterlife. His show Afterlife on Netflix to me was groundbreaking for me. It's the only comedy show that spoke to me as an adult where I was like, this man is just...

kind of helping me through depression and anxiety. - And great that he can do that and still then do standup at such a high level. - Yes. - Because that's something most, you know, Woody Allen, you know, was a great standup. - Sure. - But he didn't do it, you know,

one year passed when he became a filmmaker. It was like, now I'm making films. I'm not going back to my high school. Well, that's the thing, too, about you. That's what the respect, at least from the comedy crew, about you is we know that you don't financially have to do stand-up, but you do it for the love of it. And there's a deep appreciation in my seat, in the Dreyfus seat, for you

Because of that. And I think the fans, too, the fans who are big fans of you know you don't have to be performing anywhere. You don't have to do any of this. But you're doing it for the love, and there's a deep appreciation I have for that. It's also, for me, almost like they always say you need a hobby. Now, don't take that the wrong way, like I'm denigrating stand-up. Like, oh, it's just a hobby. No, it's what I started out doing. Yeah.

okay it's the goose that laid the golden egg and uh you know i feel like i've never been better at it i mean you asked me before about like carson did you did you look back and hate yeah i hated some of the jokes i was doing right because i got better yeah you know but when you're younger they let you get away with it you're adorable i guess i don't know what it was but some of them are funny some of them make me cringe but um but that but that's the that's the i think

Kind of thing about a great comic is you to Louis CK to Bill Burr would look back at their old material and be like Cringe because you've evolved, you know Looking back at your stuff from ten years ago or not And if you're looking back and like that was great then you know, see I'm older than you ten years ago. I was good 20 years I'm talking about, you know, I started at 23, you know, I did my first

hbo is a half hour special and look there's funny stuff in all of it it's just and again it's it's apropos to my age sometimes i mean i was in my late 68 i was in my late 20s dude you're my harriet tubman so they so the stuff i was talking about you know was sometimes very different than what i would talk about today sure and also you just don't have the gravitas

to speak about politics when you're in your 20s. You haven't earned the right yet. You haven't earned the right. And the audience is correct. You haven't. You haven't lived enough. Well, that's why the Golden Globes just happened. That's why I think Ricky Gervais is perfect for that. And to be honest, you would be good at that if you ever wanted to. Oh, I'm so good.

They would never dare. No, because you're all contemporaries with these people. When you have a guy, other people who the celebrities may not know, even if they're big names, it's a tough thing because you've got to be contemporaries with these people. But these people are very indoctrinated. Look, I love my show business compatriots. It's a wonderful business.

Thank you, Jesus, for putting me in it. I believe in Jesus, by the way. We'll talk about that. Oh. I'm reading The Case for Christ by Lee Strobel. It's convincing evidence. What do you think? I throw people out of the club here? You believe in whatever you want. I didn't. I went to Catholic school my whole life. But after reading this book, Case for Christ by Lee Strobel, the factual evidence that he existed is kind of overwhelming.

I'd like to see that because the factual evidence that he existed has always been underwhelming. In fact, it's already... We need a case for Christ. Yeah, I will. Give it a shot by Lee Strobel. This is based on what? Archaeological finds? Archaeological finds. No one's? Theological finds. What are theological finds? Bill, ready for this? Yeah. The...

If I told you, okay, if I told you factual evidence about Alexander the Great, you would believe me. Okay, but even still, it's a silly point because who cares if Jesus lived? It's whether he's then died and was reborn and is, you know, up in heaven with his father who's really him. That's the part where the rubber meets the road. Maybe he existed. I agree. That's absolutely possible. He may have existed. But according to Case for Christ...

independent sources who didn't know each other who wrote about him within 20 years of his death talked about these miracles happening as in real time okay well again and alexander the greats biographers the earliest one was like 100 years after he died chris

I'm going to have to burst your bubble now, because I have to spit a couple of facts at you that are kind of... Spit in my mouth. It's Hollywood. There's only two sources in the Bible. There's the four Gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. There's also another guy, Josephus, who wasn't accepted, but read the case for Christ. Not in the Bible. Okay, okay. But the Bible is itself an anthology. They found...

some few decades ago, the Dead Sea Scrolls, which were other books that were just basically edited out. So right away we know a person decided what constituted the Bible and just some stuff wound up on the cutting room floor. I get it. Council of Nicaea. I get it.

Council of Nicaea, yes. 325 AD. That's when they decided the Christian religion. I agree with you. Right. I'm with you on that. I remember that. But I'm telling you, read this book. That's Emperor Constantine. Shout out Constantine. Turkey, all that. Well, the first one... Constantinople. Well, yes. The first one to...

change the Roman Empire to a Christian Empire. They decided all the holidays. It took three centuries. I get it. Okay. Listen, Bill, I'm with you on that. But here's the important point. Let's do it. There's only these five sources. A little bit more tequila, that's it. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. I'm wrecked right now. Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Good boys. Not contemporaries of Jesus. Not even close.

Matthew, so they lived from 70 to 110 years after him. I understand. No, no, no, from 40 to 70 years. But they got their information from Josephus who lived about 10 years after Jesus. So already we're into a game of telephone.

okay bill yes but but the other i want to make you let you be a point but let me just just quickly the game of telephone yes i agree with you that point but the game of telephone in jesus times according to lee strobel in the case of christ was the simple fact of we're playing the game of telephone there's 10 people here the game of telephone as we know it today is you say something in my ear and then it goes around 10 times and by the time it gets to you it's something radically different this game of telephone this ancient game of telephone was

But you tell it to me, then the third guy confirms what you said before it goes to the fourth guy. So there's a level of...

checking the checks and balances. Chris, you're working too hard. If you want to believe this shit, believe it. You don't have to convince me or construct this scaffolding to which you hang this belief. Just believe it. It's all good. Don't come to me when you die at St. Peter's. I'm not getting you in. But, you know, I can't go there with you. It's just, you know, it's silly.

Well, I'm just saying it's nice, the idea to believe in something. I'm just trying. Trying it on for size. Here's also what's very interesting. And then I'll leave this subject. Excuse me. I think I've bored the audience with this before. What do you think, Barbara in Milwaukee gives a fuck? They turned this off when they found out I wasn't Ellen.

Yeah, like that's the kind of audience we have. Your audience is great. You think they'll like me? St. Paul. Good guy, St. Paul, a.k.a. Saul, and the capital of Minnesota. Is the other source of the Bible. Yes. There's Mark, Matthew, Luke, and John. I said the two names out of order because that's the order in the Bible. The first...

Mark, is 70 AD. Jesus dies in 33. So that's 40 years almost after he died. So not contemporaries. Paul...

comes before the Gospel writers. He's writing around the year 50, in the 50s. So he's much closer to Jesus' time. So you'd think he would know more about Jesus than the people who came later, but actually, St. Paul knows almost nothing about Jesus. He barely conceives of him as something that, as a person who lived on Earth. There's no details about his life like they are in the Gospels. So the people who came later know more than the person who wrote earlier.

Just some food for thought. But, okay, I understand. But he does acknowledge at some point, right, Paul, a.k.a. Saul, knows that Jesus existed, right? He talks about him. He talks about him. I'm saying he conceives him as a godhead. He doesn't have this. It's not the narrative that's in the Gospels of Jesus Christ.

went around and he did miracles and he did stuff and everybody loved him. And he gets quoted a lot. He makes speeches, blessed are the meek. You know, he has adventures. He goes into the desert. It's a whole thing. But what about... And then at the end, it's a whole drama with, you know, he's crucified. No, Paul doesn't know any of this. All the stuff that the gospel writers obsess about and that are his biography. It's a little strange.

But maybe, but Paul, it's okay for Paul to be somebody who maybe, there was a lot of people who didn't like Jesus. You know what's okay? That's okay. What's okay is that some people believe and other people don't. That's what's okay. It's like, that's you. Yeah. I'm not trying to put it on you. I'm just saying what I believe. I know, I know. I'm wearing a corduroy shirt my mother got me for Christmas and I feel confident. Yeah.

Is that really? Your mother got... Yes. You ever been to Japan? No. Should we go? No. Why don't you want to go to Japan? It's too far. But why not? We'll do a PJ. You'll pay for it. I don't go east of La Brea. Really? Well...

You don't go international? I do not anymore. I did some internet. Why, hun? Because it's just too stressful. I'm a nervous traveler, very nervous traveler. So travel has to be made super pampered for me, or else I'll just stay home.

The fact, you know, the thing is about you, Bill, what's overwhelming. No, seriously, from sitting close to you, and I don't know if your fans know this about you, you're a passionate guy. And that's nice about you, dude. It's nice to see real passion from a guy.

He really is. Oh, thank you. He's disingenuous from a lot. A lot of people are disingenuous. You're a genuine, passionate guy. I know the streets. Going up in New York, you've got to set out the bullshit. You're passionate, man. Yes, and when I get head up about something, it's real. I'm not acting it because that, I think, is my bond with the audience. They know I'm never acting or faking it or pulling a punch. So if I'm like...

It's real because I've certainly seen plenty of hosts get way too fake worked up about something that, oh, I know you don't really care about it that much. And they act like the issue is happening to them personally more than the whole country. It's just gross. And I always, you know,

took the advice of, I don't know where I read it when I was a kid thinking about being a comic, of don't leave out the jokes. Always keep in the jokes. Always. Because that's the sugar that makes the medicine go down. You know, you...

Don't ever, Lenny Bruce forgot the comedy. It's happened. Talk about self-sabotage. That's a way to do it. Sure. Forget the jokes. Think you're too important to do that. Yes, some of my peers I'll see on social media, they'll make a political point, no joke. And I'm like, but it says comedian in your bio. Where's the joke? My...

my friend Jimmy Jet Blue could say what you just said, where's the material? That's why I think personally, what I would like to see in 2024, I know it's an election year,

The presidential candidates, whomever they may be, should go on your show and Joe Rogan's show. That's what I... CNN, Fox News, also go on them. But if you really want a genuine election, go on Bill Maher's show, go on Joe Rogan's show, and there you have it. Debate there. But see, you did it again. What did I do now? You and Joe. See, if... No, I happen to respect Joe a lot. Sure. You were great on his pod. Oh, thank you. And I like him a lot. But...

But if it had been somebody who I didn't like or respect, then you would have committed that mammoth crime. I love, you know, if somebody came up to you,

And said, oh my God, you are just my favorite comedian. You and, and like, I don't want to say any names because we don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Right. But I'm sure you can think of some names. Yes. Of some, we used to call them hacks. Yes. Derivative is a word that came up sometimes. Right. And I worked with so many great comics and some who did not make it.

I don't know if you had the same experience if you were in clubs for a number of years where you got to know guys like a band of brothers because you hung out every night in the clubs. Yes. Okay. And I still remember some of their acts and some of the great jokes. And what happened? I mean, it's a little like the Army. The guy next to you gets shot. The guy next to you on the other side gets shot. And, you know...

I don't know why some funny people didn't continue with that career. Maybe the material ran out. Yeah. I don't know. Well, a lot of it is luck. Just the audience. I don't know. It's timing. Or drive, ambition, or just luck. Yeah. Life is timing. Like Ronnie Dangerfield, who went on to become a legend, he was doing that I Get No Respect act for years and years and years. It wasn't until the movie The Godfather came out, which was all about respect,

And he was the no respect guy. Did he become famous and Rodney Dangerfield? It was a timing thing, which is why I mentioned in the beginning of your podcast, you've become, you've just always stayed true to who Bill Maher is. You are you. And now the country is changing, but you're staying who you are and your numbers are going up because now the country has evolved to be like, we are aligning with Bill Maher because he's rational and sounds like we all sound. Yeah.

But there was a time where you did it to people. But you stay who you are. There was a poll, like it was reported in Mediaite about, it was like right around Christmas that I was the most trusted. More than Rogan, more than... You were the most trusted. Yes. It said more than Joe Rogan and more than...

Jake Tapper. I believe it. And I like Jake Tapper. I like Jake Tapper. He's one of the few talking heads on cable news that I like. He seems like he's just down the middle. I used to love Brian Williams. He was like Cary Grant doing the news. Right. But yeah, I mean, trust, I think, is something that you get like that because, first of all, you've been around for a while.

long time 30 years on TV without with only a six-month interruption that's a long time yes and you're right and and sticking to your guns and also the both sides have gotten nuttier way nuttier Trumpism is nuttier and woke ism is not here so to be

I think well positioned in the middle. I mean, of course, you know, lots of people think I'm horrible because I'm in the middle somehow. I think I'm where I always was, basic old school liberalism. But the goalposts have moved around me. And Elon Musk made the same point. You know, he drew it once. And there's lots of us who feel the same way.

Barry Weiss and people like this are like, she's not a conservative. She's married to a woman. She's Jewish. These are not things that we ever associated with. And we're not conservatives. Well, that's why I'm saying it. Why I try to talk to my kids as a parent is just stay true to who you are. Don't conform to the world because the world is always ever changing. But you've always stayed true to who you are. And how old are these children? 13, 8, and 2.

Which one is the one from the previous marriage? 13. 13. My stepson. Yeah. Stepson 13. Great kid. Lefty. He could fucking solve a Rubik's Cube in six seconds. He's almost autistic. I'm never going to meet him. Why not? He'll come over. I don't like kids. He's a good kid. He's a lefty. Every parent thinks their kid's a good kid. No, no, no. I'm not going to give you a dissertation on my children. This kid's a good kid. He's got great hair. You would like this kid.

Okay, you would know better, Chris. And you would like his dad, too. His dad's a good guy. His dad's a great guy. How great is that? His real dad you're talking about? I'm very good friends with my stepson's father. How great is this? I'm in a great relationship where me, my girlfriend, wife, and my stepson's father all make decisions for our children together. Three of us. Isn't that nice?

So things can work. They can work, Bill. I want you to have sex with a woman who has a child. I've had sex with a woman who's had a child. You think I've got to 68 years old and never had sex with a... Bill, I can't... There was a time when I was all about the single moms. I don't know if it just was a coincidence or something. How great are single moms? Circumcised or no? Like late 90s. Right. Mid-late 90s. 39, 40s? Yes, but I just feel like...

I knew a few in that period, women I dated who were single moms and they were still very young. You know, come on, everybody likes what they like. So, but the thing is, like, normally a 22-year-old girl, when I was 40, so okay, a little older, but I don't think that's, who gives a shit? Please, Cher's boyfriend is 40.

40 years younger. It's like, thank God this isn't medieval times. People should be able to just do what they want with who they want. If you're over 18, it's whatever you want to do. I'm not morally, but legally, it's fine. You know what the definition of an age-appropriate relationship is? Tell me. One that works. That's it. That's what's appropriate, what works. Anyway...

You see, they have me like pre-defending shit because you're just so, your antenna is always up for these assholes. Don't even worry about it. You're right. Bill, let me tell you something. I just like to say fuck them before. I like to pre-fuck you. Your fans are fucking right or die. It doesn't matter. You're so right. If the New York Times or whoever turned around tomorrow and said Bill Maher, your fans don't give a fuck. You're so right.

You've created. Thank you. You've put your career in the hands of your fans and not a network. And that's the beauty of this shit. You're right. No. That's the beauty of it. What you've done, Bill. That was very profound. Billy Marr. William Marr, folks. He's a good man. He's a founding father. But what was I talking about there? It was something important to me. I don't know. Come on. What were we just talking about? What are we going to do? Are we going to go to dinner? What are we going to do? No, it was like. You can't. You've got to work.

Oh. You got to work. You got to work on a real-time monologue. My vacation has ended with a thud. You went on vacation recently? No. Well, we were off. We had off from our last show was December 15th, and so here it is, January 1st. Can I tell you something real quick? I'm sorry to interrupt. Your episode with Candace Owens was beautiful because I know you guys have differences of opinion. Yeah. But it was a great episode. Thank you. I'm going to tell you something right now. One of the most beautiful women in the world to me is Candace Owens.

And I don't agree with all her politics, but just a beautiful person, a confident, passionate woman. I love her.

Yes. I mean, she is a... She's gorgeous. Gorgeous. Yeah. She's beautiful. I'm going to get in trouble for this. Jazz, I'm in love with you. But it's okay to think other people are pretty once in a while. I think we got that. Okay. I love her. I want to make sure that she knows I fucking love her because I don't need to get scissors to the throat again. No, I can tell. I mean, you're a lucky motherfucker because it's...

Lots of people find somebody great. It's keeping it going. And it's keeping having passion at 10 years with them. That's what is elusive. What is beautiful about my partnership with Jasmine is I know that woman has my fucking back.

She will not let anybody get in between. She has my back and that's beautiful. But excuse me, as wonderful as the quality is of having your back, and I agree, it is a great one that I couldn't live without either when I get serious with somebody. You will. In your 70s, you're going to get serious. Having somebody's back doesn't always make your dick hard. Okay. It's a different kind of thing. It helps that she's a gorgeous Puerto Rican woman. It helps. Even gorgeousness.

has its limits you know the old saying show me the most beautiful woman in the world and somewhere there's a guy who's tired of fucking her that's what my dad said well that puts me in good company no my father my father's 76 he told me chris here's the one thing i need you to know my dad told me this he goes here's the one thing i need you to know is my brain my male brain is no different than your brain he goes it's just when i look in the mirror i have a dick that doesn't work

When you look in the mirror, you have a dick that still works. He goes, but I still want to have sex with the girl who walks into the video store just like you. But I can't because I can't get my dick up. But he said the male brain still thinks it's 25 years old. So he said, so just if you're happy with this woman, stay with this woman, build a life with this woman, you'll be okay. That's what he told me. What's wrong with his dick? He can't get it up. Why?

He, too many meds. He's on blood pressure medicine, diabetes medicine. Yeah. You're a healthy guy. Yes. You got a healthy BMI. I bet your BMI is normal. Yes. It's pretty good. You know, it's like to be president, you have to be 35, right? Which is, you think, what do you think about that rule? It's a little like that.

Oh, I think it's good. I mean, 35 is, I mean, please. Should there be an age limit the other way? You can't be over 70. No, because that's a case by case. I mean, there are definitely people in their 90s I wouldn't think we should elect them president. But I don't know. Other cultures understand the benefit of having sage advice. And sage comes with age.

Sage comes with age. Make that merch. At least have someone around as the nester, the wise old advisor who I just feel like that would be a good role. You could have like some like President Emeritus role. I like that. And some like Biden would be good for that. And then have a younger guy.

you know, like Gavin Newsom running around. You know, somebody who looks great and is vim and vigorous. Listen, again, I'm not political, but I'm not politically educated as certainly not as much as you are. You say things like that and then you're mad at me for not putting you on real time. I'm not

political and i'm not politically educated bill why can't i get on your political show what is the problem what do i gotta hold up is it because i'm white yes that's what it is you piece of shit um no but is there and i might be wrong factually but we're in the new we're in the election year of 2024 let me get a little bit we're in the election year 2024 go ahead light it up come on

What would be the crack house? Okay. Has there ever been a time where there's no clear-cut candidate for who's representing the Repubs, who's representing the Dems this late in the year? Well, there is clear-cut. We exactly know who they are. Is it Joey B versus Donnie T?

Oh, you really don't know anything about politics. No, I told you, I don't know. Okay, you're never getting on real time. You're not even allowed in the studio. You can't be in the... You cannot be in the crowd. Come on! Wow. I'll put in a new boiler for you. But you think it's Donnie T versus Joey B? I can't even. It couldn't... It's not confirmed yet.

Usually I don't ever talk to someone this stupid about politics unless they're 22 and they have big tits. I am 22 with big tits. Okay. To the young kids. This is what a woman looks like in 2040. And just to save you some anguish when you're out at parties and so forth and talking to people, museums, wherever you go, just to save yourself some anguish, yeah, don't say it like it's somebody's unique opinion. So you think it's going to be a Trump and Biden? Yes, we all know.

It's going to be Trump and Biden. Trump is beating his nearest competitors in the primaries by like 40 points. But they said in 2016 that Hillary Clinton was up by 80 points and Trump won. They never said that. You're getting the worst sort of information. I don't know what you're looking at. The New York Post. No, the New York Post didn't say that.

Nobody said she was up by 80 points. Jimmy JetBlue told me that. Well, he's a moron. It's not close to true. Watch when you take an ex-JetBlue flat where your bags wind up. You know, Castro didn't win by 80 points. It's ridiculous. No, you cannot do real time.

I'm loving you here, but this is what you are exactly... Like, I'm going to make a flyer about coming on Club Random and use your picture. Hey, if you're too... If you're far too dumb about politics to go on real time, have I got a place for you. It's Bill's Bargain Basement Filings Talk Show. LAUGHTER

Get it on fucking real time. We will take mutants. We will take skeletons. We will take bright animals. Anybody can get on this show.

You know, you said something on a podcast. I'm not sure what guest it was. But you said something about like, you know, you're like, hey, I'm happy I didn't have kids because kids now in today's world are different than kids back in the day. And I kind of appreciate that. I don't know. I mean this as sincerely as I can.

I don't think it's ever been harder to be a parent. Yep. For the simple reason is the one thing all through history you could do with kids is boss them around, which you totally need to, to keep them under control. Yes. And that is sort of verboten now. That is, I don't know how parents deal with just the attitude and talking back and

and questioning everything and thinking they're your peers and inviting themselves into conversations. There's just like a host of things that didn't happen. And I'm not against them just because they're different than the way I grew up. Some things are better.

But not that. Not this fundamental relationship that, oh, a 10-year-old is just some smaller version of an adult. No, they're a child. They have a quantitative difference in what they're capable of thinking of. Right.

You cannot treat them the same way, and they do. Yeah, so my kids, you know, like me and my girl, we do the best we can with them, but there is times where my kids will talk back to us, and we live in a parenting world where it's like, you know, my mom's mom would have hit. We're not going to hit because, of course, the new research teaches that. They'll call social services. That's what I mean. Yes. Not that you should be always hitting your kids, but I got spanked a few times, and it was the right thing to do. Sure.

So we can't do that. When we tell them – well, when they talk back like saying like, hey, you're grounded, the research now will say, well, that teaches them that when they make a mistake that it's these – they automatically get these negative consequences and that's not good for adulthood. Right.

So you start to say, okay, well, what the hell then am I supposed to do? And I try to conversate with my eight-year-old just as I would conversate with you, but it's very, very, very difficult. And I think what's happening now with parents, is myself included, is sometimes I feel like I'm not doing the best job I can to parent my children because I can't rear them the way my parents reared me. You should never rear a kid.

That is just wrong. Yes, you shouldn't do that. I don't even think adults should be rearing. And like I said, middle village Queens thinks you're in the 99% of people who don't do that. Yeah, well, they're right. That's your town? Now, let me ask you this, Bill. If you had sex, I'm talking about, let's say you had sex with a gorgeous 30-year-old Puerto Rican woman tomorrow, okay, and she got pregnant, would you keep it?

Would you be a father at 68 years old? No. You don't want it anymore. I never wanted it. I avoided it, didn't I? Why not round out the last 20 with a fucking little Billy Moore? Oh, my. Round out the last 20? Oh, God. You think you're making it to 90? Not with the way you smoke and drink. This is the first drink I've had.

And the smoking I do is not harmful. I mean, it's not health food. You look fucking... I'm telling you, you got a healthy BMI. I told you from the beginning you're healthy. You wouldn't have a kid right now today? No, why would I? Oh!

Of all the times in my life. Why not, Bill? Because I don't like children. Okay. I don't take any offense to that. You shouldn't. I don't. I really don't. We can have differences of opinion. Yes. This is a dumb conversation. Some people like children. Some people don't. Which is fine. Some people like pudding. Some people don't. Who doesn't like pudding? Some people. Some people don't like sushi. Some people do. That's life.

So no. That's life. Why would I fucking want a mewling, puking, complaining, entitled little monster? Okay, but we're talking about children. Let me ask you this. In your escapades, which we've all had it, what would you do if you found out at your 68 years old, what would you do if you found out right now

That back in the day, let's say Jersey, let's say even when you're 39 plus, you got one past the goalie with a random woman. We don't even know who she is. And you have a 25-year-old kid that's a good kid. Would you take responsibility for it? Would you say, you know what? I'm happy to be a dad to this person. If there's a little Billy Marr out there.

Okay, Dr. Phil. First of all, your use of the word escapades, I think, exactly illustrates the difference between you and me. I'm a Janet Jackson fan. I love the word escapades. It's a great word. I didn't even know she was associated with... She has a song, Escapades, I love. Oh. You want to know how you know I'm gay? I love the song Escapades by Janet Jackson. Oh.

Well, here's how I'm gay. I probably read it reading Voltaire or something. But escapades is a great word. You know how I know you're gay? Because when you were 10 years old, you read poems. Not poems, but I was a reader. Anyway, like escapades, it's such a great word because it connotes that time of life. I mean, that was your meaning when you said we've all had escapades. It was a very charming way of saying, you know, you sold your wild oats or you, you know. Sure.

Okay, my philosophy of life was always, wow, escapades are fun. Why do they have to end? Right. And that's where I am. That's where you are. Yeah. And other people are like, no, that's childish or whatever. It's like, well, for you it would be. But I...

I think there should be no moral dimension to that. It's just, again, people have different tastes. Different tastes. Very different tastes. What I can tell you. And different things that make you happy. What I can tell you, what I know for a fact, is that you're happy at 68 with your choices, and I'm happy at 39 with my choices. Right, exactly. I'm happy being a father, even though it's at times difficult. I'm like, I wouldn't have it any other way. I love my kids. And you're as happy as me not having kids, and that's okay. Right.

But I will say this about happy marriages, and there are some.

A number of times I have experienced a married couple who I was friends with and suddenly they announce they're splitting up. And everyone is like, oh my God, I thought they were the happiest people in the world. What the fuck could have happened? Because married people are kind of geniuses at keeping the lid on it until it absolutely explodes. Now this does not sound like your situation. Well, yeah, we're not married. And the thing is, the positive thing about the relationship I'm in

is we've had public blowouts, we've had family blowouts. And the thing that I know about her now after 10, 11 years of being with her is that no matter how far apart we get, we always come back together and that has staying power. And that's why now, because we had a baby right away. So sometimes people would be like, how could you not marry this woman? You have children. And it's like, well, we had children so quickly and so kind of

out of the blue, that now I can tell you after 10, 11 years, this woman is like on my side and now I can say, now I'm thinking the idea of like, you know what? I'd like to marry you. Yeah. Because it's come around. We've kind of had a lot of tests and I'm perfectly okay with knowing and taking on the risk of saying, if we don't work out, that's okay too. I understand that. There's nothing like trust.

Yes. And I trust you. And it's only earned over a certain amount of time. You can have good instinct about someone, have a very good instinct about you. But we shouldn't trust each other completely. We barely know each other. Right. It's only... Well, yes, yes. But I also think that there's connections and energy is different. Like I would say, and I'm being honest with you, I'm being genuinely honest with you, I'm being truly honest.

I trust you. I trust you, Bill Maher, even though I've only known you for a couple of hours, in a way that I don't trust some of my friends I've known from childhood. It's true. Because there's a genuineness about you where if I'm telling you I'm willing to take on the risk or if I went and gave you my trust and you somehow inadvertently fucked me over, I would say I'm willing to take that risk still. And there's realness in energy. Energy is real. I'm glad you said that. Thank you.

Would you like to invest in something called Schmocoin? Yes. It's something I've been developing that I think you are our perfect perfectus. Yes. Listen, to me, Schmocoin is the coin. You're absolutely right, I think. I've often thought the same thing, that you can know somebody in an hour or two better than someone else who you've known for 20 years. Yes, absolutely.

Some people just never give it up. It's just their nature. I knew comedian friends like that. We had amazing sort of comic relationships. We were always making each other laugh, sitting in the back of the room at Catch a Rising Star or the improv, giggling and...

But did we ever really know? Because they just aren't, a certain type of person just doesn't go there. At least not with me. And I don't think with many people. And then there's some people who are like, right away, are like, no, I have no secrets.

Yeah, because, again, it's a genuineness. Because we don't. It's a realness. Right. That's the thing. It's a realness. It's like immediately, even though you've only been in two hours, if you call bullshit, you'll call bullshit to my face, which I respect. Yes, I know. You can take a punch. It's fantastic. Why not? That's the only way it can come. And so can I. I mean, I love to be forced to say the words, I don't know. Because every time I say those words, I learn something. Yes. Timothy Leary told me that.

Timothy Leary, good Irishman. You know who that is? No. He was the guy who introduced acid to the 60s. He was the guy with the acid. Oh, I watched a documentary where he was in. There you go. Yeah, I watched a documentary about psychedelics. Well, see, you're slowly working your way toward real time. Yes, a little bit. Well,

Psychedelics have taken a quick fair share. That's what I love about a podcast. If you listen to the whole thing, sometimes it's almost a thread that's like it was written into a script. The whole thing about you with I can't get on real time and then me feeling bad and me feeling bad and me feeling bad. And then we find out you don't even know about Trump. It was like the perfect.

ending to that bit to that the way that came back around and then fall and I couldn't I could have scripted it and then in two weeks I'm on real time and let me ask you this bill and no no and and then I I know you I know when I propose this question you're gonna say I'm crazy but I want you to just don't propose I'm never getting married bill I just want you to take me up on this

And again, this is something Tucker Carlson said. I'm just putting it out there. This is something that I read on multiple Reddit forums and from trusted sources. And again, I know this is absurd. Bill, just listen to me. This is absurd what I'm about to say. Your sources have proved themselves to be not trusted. Is there a possibility that this, our existence as human beings, is possibly fake?

Aliens, just listen to me, aliens are not up there or out there. They're right here in another dimension. They're fourth dimension, fifth dimension, sixth dimension. We are two-dimensional, three-dimensional beings that we can't see this dimension where aliens can be right there. Is it possible that we are in fact aliens?

engaged in some type of prison planet where a fourth dimensional, fifth dimensional, sixth dimensional reptilian being who really rules the world is feeding off our guilt, anxiety, depression, negative emotions to fuel themselves off our stuff. And we are actually in this prison planet and people

Famous celebrities like Obama and Justin Bieber and people of that ilk have made a deal with these reptilian people to say, I will give you my soul to feed off my negative emotions for perpetuity, but never.

In return, you give me every time I die, I come back to a different part of history, which is happening all at the same time. I come back and I am as famous and successful as I was in every generation. No, I know it's absurd, but I'm asking you, is there any truth to that? Are you talking about the valet parking guy?

Yes, I am. Talking about Chuck LaBella. He's not reptilian. Is there any truth to that, Bill, without making fun of me? Chris, I would love it. Just a minute ago, we were talking about trust. So I feel like I'm going to take advantage of that. I'm going to take advantage of what you said about trusting me. Because you should trust me. I do. I have all these years on you, and this is more my area, you know, knowing things.

It's the kind of stupid conspiracy theory nonsense that goes around on Reddit and right-wing websites and who knows, God, where else. And you just don't want to be the guy. You're too good. You're too smart. You're too successful.

You don't want to be the guy who thinks this. Anything is possible. I mean, Richard Dawson is the greatest atheist writing. Richard Dawson, no, Richard Dawkins. Richard Dawson was the host of Family Feud. We used to try to kiss all the chicks on the lips.

He's not the greatest atheist. Steve Harvey's the best family feud host of all time. That's probably true. Steve Harvey's the funniest guy of all time. Richard Dawkins, an atheist, and he says, you know, on a scale of one to seven, seven being absolute certainty, there's no God. I'm only a 6.9. We don't know anything. Could it be lizard people? It could. It's fucking not. It's like, could you win the lottery? Yes, but you won't. It's not that. Okay.

Okay. It's something we don't know. But just because you don't know the answer to something, you shouldn't make up a story so you have an answer. No answer is a much more respectable intellectual position than making up a story. Okay. So, Jesus, you can have that one.

But not the lizard, Chris. Right. Not the lizard. I'm doing this as your friend. This is not a reputating planet. As your mentor. No, honestly, Bill? You ready for this? I'm telling the... I have told the public, and I've told people, my mentor has been Colin Quinn. You know Colin Quinn. Of course. Colin is a guy who's took me under his wing, a...

New Yorker. New York City guy. An original 13-year-old like yourself. Funny guy. I love Colin Quinn, but I would say Colin Quinn, even though we have a long-standing relationship, but I would...

You are as much of a mentor in these past three hours. Has it been three hours? It's been two, three hours. Wow. If it's too long, it's too long. No, Bill, listen. Obviously, it's your show. It is amazing. But I enjoy talking to you, my friend. I'm enjoying it, too. That's why I thought, well, let's just keep going. But it is amazing how the podcast audience likes long. They like long. It's funny. When I started it, all of them were one hour. We used to do two in a day. It was too rushed.

And I was thinking old thinking. I was thinking TV thinking. I'm a creature of TV, doing our show, leave them wanting more. No. No. Podcast audiences are like, we're cheated after it. Really? Cheated? Yeah. It's so funny. The American attention span is either like three hours or six seconds. That's it. They, they, they, because I feel like,

Your fans, right, who have followed you from politically incorrect to real-time or whatever. Right. The podcast, though, your podcast fans who are, you know, of course, following you from the TV sector, right?

this format, they're so ingratiated to you because they're like, oh, I feel like Bill's my family member. And that's how it should be. And that's how it should be. And that's why I wanted to build this the way it is, where you never see cameras, you don't... There's no other person in the room. It's just us. Because this is like...

as close as we could really be to doing it, if we were doing it, without cameras. I don't think I would have said one thing different. Oh, Bill. I don't think I edited one thing. I don't think I changed one thing. Yeah. My brain shut off about an hour and a half ago, but we're still doing the pod. Well, you've been great. Well, I'm unconscious. If your brain shuts off and you're still this funny, and also...

You like to talk to people who, like, you know, you can tell they're tracking what you're saying. Like, they look in the eye, and you are, and I do it too. Yes. You know, I mean... No, no, Bill. There are some people who you just talk to, and it's like, you know, we're kind of having two different conversations. The thing about you that I respect is, you know, and I'm sure you've heard this, I'm not saying anything abnormal, but I think there's some things that are less kind of...

you know, plugged in person would look at you and watch Bill Maher, you know, watch real time or watch the show and be like, oh, Bill Maher's so smug, right? I'm sure you've heard that word smug. And I would say, when I watch you as a comic and someone who I look up to, I say, you know what, your smugness is,

that part of you, there's a likability that comes out that's... Remind me, you and Anthony Jeselnik, you know Anthony Jeselnik. Love him. Anthony Jeselnik to me is someone who I had one opportunity 10 years ago, I'm sure he doesn't even remember, where I got to open up for him at Governor's Comedy Club out in Long Island, and

His smugness came across so much that it was likable. And it's a talent that is so beyond rare to the point that I've only ever seen you and Jessel, Nick, be able to pull it off at that level. But again, the commonality between you two is the realness. That's why I think the...

the show real time. No, no, no, no. It's spot on because I'm like, you know what, man? I'd rather you tell me, I'd rather you tell me you're too stupid to get on real time than you say, you know what? Yeah, sure, you'd be great someday. And then I have Chuck. Stupid about politics.

Sure. And it's a show about politics. Right. That's kind of the key crux, Chris. Right. No, no, no. I agree. And yeah, no, dude, let me tell you, you want to talk about state capitals or, you know, the kinesiology of the human body? I'm your guy. No, that's a different show.

You know, that's the one that comes on like 1230 in the afternoon. It's usually hosted by a woman. Yeah. There's a cooking segment. And, you know, people live. I'm on the view. Yeah. Yeah. Well, not the view. But, you know, those daytime shows have people like, you know, today we have a doctor who's going to show you how to, like, you know, flimber up. And anyway. No, no, no. It's fine. Bill, I'd like to, if I won't get on the guests as real time, I'd like to come on and just be a part of it in the background.

I'd like to hang out. I don't want to sleep over. As I mentioned, you're not allowed in the building. I don't want to sleep over. You're right. I want to go into your house and find Richard Dreyfuss with no pants on. Here's what you were right about. We are going to be friends. I believe we are. And we made a hell of a start. We couldn't do this on television. No, and we wouldn't do it for any other reason. Club.

I feel like I've known you for years. Right. And I've known you for three hours. That's my superpower. What did you have for... We're done.