Tommy Lee | Club Random with Bill Maher
01:45:19 Share

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn.com slash results.

LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. If you had to choose between stripping or a nine to five? I would strip. I love being naked. Let's be strippers together, Tommy. Let's go. I'm drinking two gallons of vodka a day. Gallons? Gallons, the big handle. I know what a gallon is. Do it.

I was expecting crazy bright TV lights. Oh, no. And they're like, no, you must have never seen this. This is a very different kind of show. It's hardly a show. Oh, I've watched it a bunch. That's why I love it. But it just looks brighter. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's as nighty as I could be. Also, like, look, this was my party house before it became a podcast studio. It's the same place. The difference is that before podcasting, every time I'm in here, there's music playing, like your music. And it's a great, music sounds great in here because, look, the low ceilings, the hard, right? We love that. Dude, I was just telling one of the guys that works on your sound crew or video crew, I said, dude, this is a perfect studio spot.

Because the live walls, super ambient if you want it to be. Right. Curtain it off if you don't. If I said if I'm going to do a podcast, I'm going to do one that's very different. And there was none with a nighttime feel. You know, it's very bright. It was fine. But it's just a different version of a TV studio. And it's the same level of, well, just sort of.

You know, people act the way they do in a TV studio. People don't act that way here. And when I was coming in, your wife broke my heart and said, you don't do any drugs anymore. No, you're completely sober. I just, you know, I just celebrated a year of sobriety. Well, what goes to celebrate? And that's the problem. I'm kidding. I know. No, dude, I make it like a year, and then I'm so stoked that I made it a year that I celebrate. That is peak rock star on so many levels. I know it is.

I find that so funny because, I mean, I feel like it's one advantage, I guess, I have as a comedian. We don't have this, I mean, not that we haven't had some drug addict

and drug overdose comedians, but not all of them. Yeah. Not all. What is it with the overload of drugs? Why do you need drugs when it gives you such a great life outside of drugs? I mean, drugs to enhance a bit, but like... Yeah. But like, not to the point of like... Didn't you once have like a contest with some band where who could get fucked up the most? Was it Guns N' Roses or... Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And then who could be more sick without passing out? I mean, just like out drinking. Yeah, out drinking. Yeah. I don't know what... There's no prize. There's no nothing. It's just like a thing...

Like an out cool thing to do, you know? Like, oh, we can drink more than you guys. Yeah, I guess when you're in your 20s, everything is a stupid move. There you go. And your body can take it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I'm telling you, comedians do things in moderation. That's why I'm still able to do this at 67. So in a way, I won. You did. I'm kidding. No, no. Rock stars always win. And we know that.

Everybody wants to be a rock star. That's why they use the term rock star, right? Yeah, I guess so. I've smoked with Snoop Dogg. And I had to literally, well, there's like three going around at once. And I looked at my assistant after a couple of puffs and I was like, dude, get me out of here. Take me to my room. I had to go to my room and just sit there.

Paranoia? I was so fucking high and so paranoid. Yeah. Like it took me way further than I needed. I just wanted to chill. And it just, it got me. I've had a couple of bad experiences, even on pot. One, eating it.

Because eating it can be a very different psychotropic experience. It goes through you a different way. Sometimes you're stupid and you're like, after an hour, boy, I didn't feel anything. Maybe I'll do another one. And then you're humping parked cars. You're locked in for another five hours. Uh-oh. So I appreciate you making time. I know you're tonight...

Is it tonight you're going over to join Metallica? Yeah, I'm going to go see them play. Actually, I've seen them a million times. I'm sure you have. I've known the guys for a while. My wife's birthday is next week, so she was like, can we go see Metallica? I was like, yeah, let's go. Let's go.

And so we're going to go after this. Tommy Lee all settled down and happily married. Yeah, I think I finally got it right. Well, I think age has a lot to do with that. I mean, you have to have some of that tiger blood get bled out of your body before you can be a normal person. Yeah, yeah. And especially in your business.

I know. Right? I mean, it's just, it's not something the mortal man can really comprehend. You know, like, how you guys, both the good and the bad. Yeah, it's really hard to have any sort of a relationship when you're constantly in another part of the world.

The long distance love over the phone. Right. Before there was FaceTime. That didn't work. I had Darryl Hall here one day. Darryl Hall. Oh, yeah. You know, awesome guy. Yeah. Yeah, he's not. Great time. And I just said, yeah, how how how can you really be faithful when like all these hot chicks are throwing themselves at you all the time? He just went, it's impossible.

He said what? It's impossible. It's impossible. I mean, he did, you know, and I felt like, yes, as a man, I understand that. Yes. I mean, I wish I could understand it. Yeah. Well, no, from what I've heard, you do understand it. Well, no, no, no, no. See, that's what, that's interesting. You're not married and you're clearly still rocking shit. Well.

Clearly. Well, you know what? John Mellencamp was just here, who I truly adore. And I was thinking of, I should have said it to him when he was here, but one of my favorite lyrics of his is, life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone.

You know that song. I don't. Yes, you do. That's like one of his biggest hits. Oh. Hang on to 16 as long as you can. I'm terrible with titles. Yeah. It's either Pink Houses or Oh Yeah, Life Goes On. Oh yeah, yeah. Duh. Long after the thrill of living has gone. Go on.

Yeah. Hang on to 16 as long as you can. And like that kind of, I just took that to heart. It's not like I heard that I was like a different person and I heard that lyric and my life changed like Saul on the road to Damascus. No. But when I heard it, I was like, yes, that is what I think I should do is like try to hang on to 16 as long as I can. Not 16, but like 16, if you could be 16 with the brain, right?

of an older person that's what we grave and can't ever really get that's i that's i feel like that's that's how i am like you know people are people are always you know like i don't know i i always say i'm from 16 going on 60. you know it's just like uh you're seeing like that i thought i'll never stop being a kid i just won't

I will not. I refuse to. A true rock star does have a different kind of DNA because, like, look at the Rolling Stones. Mick Jagger has the same waist, and he's 103.

He's the same waist. And they all have every hair on their head, even the one who died of cancer had all his hair at the end. It's like they were skinny and ugly when they were 20. And they're still skinny and ugly. In a way, they haven't changed at all. No, at all. You don't look like you put on one ounce. I weigh the same as I did in high school.

I swear to God. And what do you attribute this to? I have no idea. It's the rock star thing. It is. Yeah, probably just one meal a day, a shitload of booze and drugs. And yeah, just kind of not really living that healthy. But now you are. Yeah.

Well, that's every rock star, every article you read about some old band. They say, yeah, back in the day before the show, there was midgets, you know, getting fucked with cocaine twizzlers or whatever. Of course. And all this crazy shit. And now on the road, they eat macrobiotic and they have a trainer and an oxygen tent. A couple of them are vegans. Right. Yeah. I mean, it's like the Lifetime Channel is always playing in the dressing room. Like, you know.

But that's aging. But yeah, it is. And it's not a...

Trust me, kids, when you get older, it's not a crime to just submit to it and go, no, I'm not going to abuse my body. It's just we all come to the same conclusion, except the dead ones. Like, it's not worth the pain. Yes, it's fun. You know, Jerry Seinfeld used to have that great bit about night guy and day guy. You know, night guy is like, fuck day guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll stay out till four in the morning. But when your day guy has to get up for work at nine...

He's pissed at Night Guy. Yeah. We all did that for years. I certainly, you know, had many I hate you Night Guy mornings. Yes. Oh, dude. Although you probably haven't seen that many mornings.

Oh, so many. Oh, really? You mean from the night before? Yes. Yes. And you know what? No, I meant like starting a new day morning. Oh, gotcha. No, dude, we were just in Europe touring, and we were in like fucking Switzerland, maybe Sweden, some Scandinavia. And it's...

It's like three in the morning, and I'm winding down after the show, and I'm out on my balcony at the hotel, and it's fucking bright. It's daylight. Right. And I'm sitting there, and I'm like, man, this... And it just triggered all these feelings of like, do you stay up? Do I do another bump? Do I pour another fucking stiff cocktail? Or do I go to bed? Right. And I'm sitting there going like, God, this is fucking weird. Right.

Just the light will do that to you. Yes. You know? Yeah. That's a weird one. It's interesting what triggers memories like that. I mean, I don't know if you ever had to sit through reading Marcel Proust, but he was one of the great novelists of the last century, French, and wrote an incredibly dense, ridiculous book called Remembrance of Things Past.

Seven volumes. Oh, I had to get through some of it in college. It's just ridiculous. But the whole point of it is, his whole theme, why this is so genius, I never knew, is that smells are what evoke our memories. Smell? Smell. Whoa. And he was an asthmatic who lived the last third of his life in a cork-lined room in Paris. I guess cork is good for the asthma syndrome.

And wrote this book. And the whole thing is like, you know, he trips over the flagstone and on the ground he falls and he smells the metal end or some flower of his youth and suddenly all these floodgates of memory were opened up.

I think I just spared you about 1,100 hours of bad reading. Thank you. I appreciate that. No, maybe there are people listening to this. Well, most of them are like saying, what the fuck is this guy talking about? But I'm telling you, you lit majors, you know what I'm talking about. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is great. But boy, I thought it was horrible. And like one, what's the point? Yeah, I get it. But

I would think it would be... You know, that's interesting that it's smell. Yeah. Because music does that for me. I think it's different for... Music will take me right to fucking where I was. Me too. Who I was with. Exactly. What the fuck we were doing. That's the other problem I have with that fucking book. But smell also does that too because there's certain scents like...

You know, the fucking, the smell of mothballs reminds me of my grandma's house. Or gardenias. The smell of gardenias remind me of, it's my favorite flower. It just, it makes me happy. So I get it. I get it. Right. Your grandma's balls. Grandma's mothballs. Grandma's mothballs. And there's a song, Tommy. Yeah. Yeah.

Is that one next? Or Grandma's Mothballs? I mean, for a band that's been called satanic? Yeah. I think it lives up to the brand. I think so. It's like some people have skills that are so far from what I could ever do. You know? Yeah. That, ballet, dance.

Although, if I had to, look, things may get rough with this move or try it with the economy. You know, I mean, Trump could get reelected. Biden could fuck up. Anything could happen. And I, you know, I don't want to go to a nine to five. I would strip.

What about you? If you had to choose between stripping or a 9 to 5, say the whole bottom fell out, you lost your fortune, everything went down. Nobody else would hire you. I would cancel. I would strip. I love being naked. Let's be strippers together, Tommy. Let's go. Let's not do it on purpose. I'm just saying, if it comes to that, let's not purposely be strippers. We got the spot. We do. That's awesome. Oh, it's so funny that you are here.

I can't believe I'm saying these words. The stripper pole. Oh, I heard there was one. Is being repaired. Oh, well, that's a good sign because if it wasn't being repaired, that means it was just sitting there. I know, but who in America says that sentence? But it's the stripper pole, which is normally there. Where was it? Over here? It's right there. It's been there for 20 years. Oh.

Yeah, you see the hole in the ceiling. Dude. It's being-- Wow. OK, who broke it? What time were you dancing, Bill? Were you down here by yourself practicing some of those--

I just am a big believer in home upkeep. Architectural Digest was coming to film it, as they do, and Good Homes and Gardens wanted to see. And so I thought, oh, you know what? I'm just embarrassed by this stripper pole, and I'm going to upgrade. And I did. And...

Oh, so you took it out? Yeah, it's taken out and a better, brighter, slipperier one. Beautiful. Beautiful. It's being installed. But I find it cosmic that you, of all people, are here when it's not here because, you know, I associate you with girls, girls. Girls, girls, girls. I mean, the video, you know, where was that? That was a strip club, right? Yes. Yes. Dude. Dude.

That's amazing. What? Did I have a stripper pole? Well, not that you have a stripper pole, but it's actually gone the day I'm here. That is cosmic. That's fucking weird. You believe in things like that? You believe that there's no coincidences in the universe, whatever the fuck that is, is trying to communicate with you? I don't know much. You know what I mean? I'm so...

I don't know. You know what communicates with me? Aging and life and the way everything works. And you're the best at this stuff, like calling it like it is and saying it how it is. Well, thanks. I'm typically pretty shy, actually. And I don't really do a lot of this. You know why you're shy? Because you're always so attractive to women.

especially after you're a rock star, but even before, I'm sure, you just had that thing, that you never really had to, like shy guys have to develop a rap. Oh, yeah. You know, whereas your opening line is, thank you very much. You know, that's sort of already, you know what I'm saying. I hear you. I hear you. So which Beatle do you think had the longest dick?

Which who? Which Beatle. Which Beatle? The longest dick? Yeah. Which Beatle had the biggest dick, do you think? I've heard rumors it was George. Rumors of who? Rumors it was George. George. You know the Beatles, don't you? Of course. Of course. You love the Beatles? Fuck, yes. Yeah. I mean, they did everything first. But kind of including...

Like Birthday, you know, Birthday on the White Album? That riff rock. I think that was like the granddaddy of that. Probably. Right? Probably. And who writes the most played song ever? Right. Dude. Yeah, and a lot of the other most played. I mean, yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, to have three great songwriters in one band

Yeah. You know. Yeah. That's a lot of product. I think I'm going to go, though, with... Oh, the question, yeah. With Ringo.

The drummer. I love that choice. Because just, I don't know. The drummer. The drummer. Of course. It's a drummer thing. Look who I'm talking to. They all got big sticks. Look who I'm talking to. Of course it's the drummer. And it's almost athletic drumming, right? I mean, you're almost like, I bet you don't do it if you don't warm up, right? You have to warm up.

Right, like physically, it's almost like playing a game. Dude, I have a funky, crazy statistic for you that's going to blow your mind. You ask, like, how do you stay like this, you know?

I was really fucking curious, and I put one of those. This is like the old school. This is the tracks your movement. Fitbit. Whatever the fuck that thing. Okay. Anyway, I got a pedometer. You clip on your shoe, and it tracks for joggers. And I was curious. I'm like, I wonder how far I run during a two-hour show. I clipped the thing on my foot.

Took it off after the show and it said 12.3 miles. Yeah. I'm so surprised. No wonder, like, I eat everything in sight. I don't gain any weight. Like, I've sweat. It's a workout. It's like an ultimate workout. Yeah. You could probably sell it like that. You could have a fucking infomercial of me. Like, you want to get in shape? The Tommy Lee drum man that just, yeah. Drums are therapeutic, man, in many ways. Like, there's children's books out there, dude.

that suggest get a child drums. It's a great place for them to let out their feelings of aggression they don't know what to do with. I must tell you, drumming to me is as amazing as the other thing we were talking about when they could rap off the top of their head and rhyme. Drumming is just as amazing. I'll tell you why. I tried...

wants to learn how to ride a motorcycle. Yeah. Couldn't do it because it's like you have to use all four, both arms and both legs. Same with drumming. Yeah. And that's not how my mind works. My mind is like one thing. I'm very good at one thing, what I'm doing right at this time. But like, I also like...

I don't think I was ever good at writing scripts with like 12 characters. Because like, I don't care about those other 11 characters. I just want to tell you what I think. I got you. That's my mind. So drumming to me is like out of this world crazy that you can do that. You can have all your limbs independently at the... That's just a brain wiring thing. It is. I do not have that chip. And then... It's wild. It's one of those things that...

can be taught but But it's a lot of work and you can tell right away if somebody is teachable and there's others and that might maybe you that just They just don't feel it. It's one of those things man you like I think you're kind of born with that Instinctual rhythm and able to play to different rhythms with different parts of your body You just want to be on shit when you're a kid. I

all the time right i drove my fucking parents crazy by the time they said by the time you're so lucky that you came along at a time in human history when you could make a fortune with the skill of beating on shit because you know you know like it's the same thing with like a baseball player if you can throw a ball 100 miles an hour you can be worth hundreds of millions whereas

You know, 200 years ago, that was, you know, I can throw a rock real fast. Great. Yeah, great. Nothing and beating on shit was not profitable. Yeah. You were born at the right time. Yeah. It's pretty crazy. I can't. And also, I can't really think of too many other like star drummers in the band. Don Henley, of course, comes to mind. Right. Killer voice, too. And the most amazing voice.

And a great songwriter. And a great songwriter. Yes. I remember Billy Joel saying he always thought it was weird when the drummer was the singer. Ringo did it too for a few numbers. Yeah, isn't it a weird thing? Because you're so used to looking at somebody up front. Never the guy in the back on the mic. And you're so busy while you're singing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, something's suffering. The drum's suffering. Or again, the drummer...

That's the thing. You're doing four things, chewing gum and singing. Six things at once. It's kind of like a... And sometimes getting blown. And that. And that. So... Rock and roll has been... Some people say it's like not in vogue now. It's not... Rock and roll is not like...

I mean, I hear epitaphs and then somebody else goes, "Rock and roll will never die." Okay, but it's not really the... I guess they're talking about whatever is ascendant now. I'm not even sure what is in music. What's like, what would you call like The Weeknd and Taylor Swift and Beyonce and, you know, the really Rihanna, the giant... Pop. Pop. Still call that pop? Pop, which is popular music.

Right, popular. Fucking popular pop music, yeah. I've always been such a fan of popular, really. As far as music goes especially, don't be a snob with music. The way to make sure you have a terrible record collection is to go buy record reviews. Oh, yeah. Like in Rolling Stone and those. I don't care about what's important music.

I just want what's good music. I want to have a good time. Yeah, a song that I remember and I sing the melody to, two days later it's stuck in your head. You're like, whoa, what kind of infectious shit did I just listen to? That stuff that gets inside you, that's powerful, man. Well, you've gotten inside a lot of us. Yeah. I mean that in both ways.

Oh, dude. Are you in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, you guys? No. That must be a big controversy. You must have a lot of people clamoring. I think you deserve that. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Why do we even have a Rock and Roll Hall of Fame? Rock and Roll could not be more antithetical to the idea of enshrining. Yeah, that's a weird one. For a long time, we were like,

I don't know if we... Well, actually, as the Rock of the Hall of Fame got bigger and more people were being inducted into this thing, after a while, it sort of lost its...

And people that you think, people that were getting inducted, you're like, are you sure? So who are we talking about? Are you sure? And now it's like, I don't even know. Like we've always said to ourselves, if they asked, we'd probably say, not really interested. So who are we talking about specifically who waltzed in there? Yeah.

We don't want to name names. Right. But I'm just saying, if the people who did Wooly Bully are in there... Bro, that's what I'm saying. We were like, you know what? Maybe this isn't the cool club that... I remember, like, this must have been the 80s. You probably were on the cover when I read this article, but it was in Rolling Stone. Rolling Stone had put out, like,

The 100 Greatest Singles. You know they need to do these covers from time to time. The 100 Greatest Guitar Players. Says who? Fuck off. And so 100 Greatest Singles and number 33 was Wooly Bully. That's why that stuck in my mind. And somebody wrote in a letter the next time I read the magazine and it was like, Rolling Stones just wrote a letter about them.

Apology to every artist who came after Wooly Bully on their list.

The apology. Right. Oh, my God. And that tells you everything you need to know about critics. They picked Wooly Bully to be like, are you fucking kidding? Yeah. Now, of course, I hope some of them get who grows up and goes, I want to be a critic.

Right. A dick. Yeah, I want to be a dick. Who does that? To be fair, there have been... I'm sure there's... Through history, yes. I think fair and...

and good critics who did it for the right reason, that they wanted to be a guide. See, I think the difference is today that the critics, they think they're stars. So it's just about, this is what I think. Well, you know, it was always about what you think, but it was always about also just, I'm the critic. I'm the guy, the person who's reading the paper is looking to, to tell that person, do I want to go see this movie or not? But they

didn't have an attitude about it. You'd read a review in 1981 of the latest Stallone movie, and it would be like, you know, you get the idea. This isn't this guy's cup of tea. But if you like kick-ass shit like this, he's well done. It wasn't just like, oh, look how clever I can look by shitting on something. Yeah, when the critic becomes the focus.

of the thing that's being criticized or reviewed, then yeah, that's where it comes out. But it is a great question you ask. Like, why does someone choose that? It's like choosing to be a proctologist of all the, you know, you could look in any part of the body. Yeah. You know, eyes.

I mean, that's kind of gross. The nose, you know, that one I wouldn't pick either ear, nose, and throat. Like, oh, good, let me be near people who have the things I'm trying to avoid getting. Oh, no. But, yeah, hard, you know, but assholes? Yeah.

Yeah, no. It's like there's something on a psychological test. We're like, oh, you're the doctor, but you chose this. What are you going to college for? I want to be a... But what were we talking about? So let's try to work our way back like Hansel and Gretel with... Oh, my God. Drop breadcrumbs. Dude. So we were talking about assholes. How did we get on to assholes? It was about proctologists.

It was like choosing, right? Like, uh, well, yeah. Assholes being critics. Critics. There we go. Okay. Yay. Yay. Okay. I got it. Club Random is brought to you by the audio marketing gurus at Radioactive Media.

The vacations are over and now it's time to get back to work. Let me ask you, what are you doing to grow your business? Don't just use Google and social media when you can acquire new customers by partnering with shows like mine, elevating your brand. Wouldn't you like to generate up to nine times more leads

You can when you combine the power of audio and video with text messaging. Club Random has been partnering with Radioactive Media with clients such as Signal Wire, Heat Holders, Wine Enthusiast, Lume Micro Dose Gummies, and they can customize a campaign for you. For a limited time, receive $1,000 toward your first campaign plus free text messaging by going to RadioactiveMedia.com or text the word RANDOM to 511-511.

Discover how audio marketing can surpass your current strategies. Just go to RadioactiveMedia.com or text RANDOM to 511-511. Text RANDOM to 511-511 today. Terms, conditions, message, and data rates may apply.

We all need a way to relax and find our inner chill. Microdose gummies deliver perfect entry-level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good. Whether you're seeking relief from pain, anxiety, better sleep, a creative boost, or just to relax at the end of the day and calm down that hamster wheel spinning in your head, Microdose gummies are the perfect solution.

And if you want more than a microdose of THC, they also make higher dose gummies that are available in six strains, including Granddaddy Sour OG and Watermelon Sorbet.

Microdose gummies are available nationwide. Here's an exclusive offer for my listeners. Simply go to Microdose.com and use the code RANDOM and save 30% off your first order plus free shipping. Go to Microdose.com and use code RANDOM to save 30% and receive free shipping. Microdose gummies, because being healthy doesn't have to be boring. Go to Microdose.com today.

Watching football is fun, but it's better with PrizePix. PrizePix is a skill-based, real-money, daily fantasy sports game. How does it work? You pick just two to six players and whether they'll go over or under their PrizePix projection. And it's not just football, it's any sport. At PrizePix, you aren't competing against other people. It's just you versus the projections. PrizePix offers an easy deposit and withdrawal experience.

and there are fun wagers all over the board. For example, today I placed a bet on how soon Taylor Swift writes a new song about how much she can't stand Travis Kelsey.

Don't get mad at me, Swifties. You know this isn't going to end well. But here's an example of a real bet you can place. Christian McCaffrey, under 89 yards rushing, Tua, over 280 yards passing, or Debo Samuel, over 50 yards receiving. PrizePix adds a ton of excitement to the sports viewing experience. Watch your progress update in real time. PrizePix offers frequent discounts, bonuses, and other exciting offers. They

They can even pick in-game projections after a game has started, which includes halves, quarters, periods, and more. Go to prizepicks.com slash random and use code random for a first deposit match up to $100. That's prizepicks.com slash random and use code random for a first deposit match up to $100. PrizePix, daily fantasy sports made easy.

Hey, Club Random fans, people in the comments have been asking why we don't have merch. Yes, we read them. I don't, but we have a guy for that. But bottom line, we have merch now. Last week, I begged Joe Biden not to be Ruth Bader Biden. And so we are kicking off with a Don't Be Ruth Bader Biden t-shirt. And there's cool new Club Random merch on there, too. T-shirts and hoodies and barware. There's even a Club Random herb grinder and rolling papers. Check it all out at ClubRandom.com.

I gotta tell you, I reviewed something once and I realized sometimes

there's a joke to be made that's not quite exactly fair but it's such a good joke you make it anyway because you're writing this review and you want your review to be funny and you want the review itself is a piece of art in their mind and it can be yeah critic that definitely esteemed books in the library of these are with critics you know literary critics and so forth

So, you know, you want your piece of art to look good and shiny and be funny and blah, blah, blah. And sometimes I felt like, oh, yeah, you know what? That joke wasn't 100% fair. But, you know, first of all, who gets fair any of the time? Everybody has stereotypes. I mean, there are rock star stereotypes, models. Supermodels are always throwing up. Is that really true? Yeah. No. No.

I love the way you can answer that. Not rhetorically, but just... No, and I'm reviewing... Oh, boy. Right, they're not always throwing up. Nope, nope. I mean, some of them are getting gagged, but they're not throwing up.

Well, I think you should be in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and I'm going to write a sternly worded letter. Yeah. Now, there must be a big movement for that, a band of your esteem. Yeah, I don't even actually know how that works. It's great that you're so... Do they contact you and say, hey? Like, how do you know? Well, fuck yes, they do. It fucking works.

Of course they do. They're not trying to keep it a secret if they vote you in. Tommy, I am sure there is a movement. If I Googled on the Internet, you know, angry Motley Crue fans who want the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame to anoint them as they should, there would be thousands and thousands of people who have been onto this thing. Yeah, yeah.

This is true. Well... Yeah. Okay, so let's get them riled up. What are you drinking there? It's just a little maple syrup. Maple syrup? No, I'm joking. It's tequila. That was awfully light for maple syrup. No, I don't want to tempt you. No, you wouldn't be tempted. Oh, I know. Yeah. I'm brokenhearted that I'm not tempting, but no, I don't blame you. No, once you give up the sauce...

I wish I didn't drink any and I drink a little, but even that's not good for you. There's no amount of poison that is okay. We go by this rule in America, it seems like,

A little poison is okay. We tested it, and it's only like 36 particles per thousand. And we think 50 is the... It's like, you know what? Fuck off. I want no particles. Or if I do, I want to choose them. And these are the particles I'm choosing, and not many particles do I imbibe. But I feel like...

You know, Sammy Davis Jr. once said, when they said, you know, what's the hardest thing about quitting drinking? And he said, getting up in the morning and knowing that's as good as I'm going to feel all day. Wow, that's an interesting one. Wow. You know that feeling? Yeah, yeah, yeah. God, it's fucking crazy. Alcohol is such a fucking weird one, too, because fuck alcohol.

It's just, it's easy to fall in love with the way it makes you feel, the way it makes you relax. And then all of a sudden you're like, fuck, I'm drinking two gallons of vodka a day? This is not, like, you're trying to kill yourself now. This is not like. Are you talking about yourself? Yeah. Come on. Two gallons a day. No. I swear to you, dude, I swear to God. Gallons? Gallons, the big handle. I know what a gallon is. Dude.

Because it's four quarts. Yes. And a quart is like a bottle of liquor. It's a normal bottle. So you drank eight bottles of liquor? Yeah, a day. Are you sure? Yeah, I'm... That's my wife. For how long? Fuck, man, for a long time. I mean, your liver must be made of asbestos. That's what I'm saying. Like, I can't...

Can't believe I pinched myself on a daily basis like fuck my shit still I just did like the full body scan where they do see head to toe everything and I can't believe Smoking drinking all the fucking dumb shit or the fun shit that I've done right dude The doctor was like you're good, and I was like oh

Are you sure you have the... Let me see. Is that my name on there? Is there some Japanese guy in here that you have his results that you're reading from? Because I find that fucking impossible. This is impossible. No, I mean... But he's right. Because, like, I'm just looking at you. You know, you don't look like a person who lived a hard life, you know? That's wild. Yeah, it...

Fuck, it's wild. No, you know what it is, Tommy? It's great proof for the people who need help with the argument of what causes certain medical outcomes. And the answer, of course, is complicated. One part of it is definitely genetics. That's the part where you were dealt a huge ace. Your genetics are amazing because eight...

bottles of fucking liquor a day is like the most preposterous thing I've ever heard in my life. Your liver is on crutches at that point. Like, it's just barely functioning. I don't understand. And now your liver's fine. Fine? Yeah, of course. Well, I mean... What the fuck?

Well, I mean, it's not a giant mystery. You stopped abusing your body and doing the thing that makes your liver sick. Yeah. But not everyone springs back that quick. I know this. So how old were you when you did quit? Or at least was it a process of scaling back for a while and then full stop? Or was it like a lot right to none? Like 89, 90.

is what as a band we decided we're like okay dude so someone's gonna not wake up one morning like this is getting fucking ridiculous right um

As a band we saw fucking drugs man. Yeah, somebody's gotta do stuff. We would take fucking handfuls Something about this drug use in America Tommy, you know what Halcyon's were do you remember those Halcyon? You take course I do. Okay. I didn't take it but yeah, what was it we would we would take a handful of those and

and fucking pound a bottle of Jack and then go out for the evening. You take those to go to sleep for a long time. Oh, my God.

You know what I'm saying? So it was that kind of shit where someone's going to fucking not wake up. What was Halcyon? Was it like Valium? It's like a Valium. Halcyon. I do remember that word, but I think that's after I was not ever doing those kind of drugs anymore. Not that I ever did them a lot, but I did Ecstasy for a few years in the late 80s, early 90s, and it was great. But it did have very...

quick acting diminishing return. I mean, like the first time was super duper amazing. And then the second time is, oh, this is amazing. And then the third time was, this was really great. And, you know, by the eighth time, it was like your mind kind of got used to. And then it was just like, you know, like every, I always thought every high, every drug is just good or bad pot. It's just some variation on pot for me. Gotcha. You know? Yeah. Yeah. I see that.

You guys also smoked weed, I hope. Oh, yeah. Fuck. Dude, everything. Heroin, coke, fuck. Heroin? Everything. Not heroin. Oh, fuck. Everything. Everything. It's all there. All of it. Oh, right. It's in your book. Yeah. I mean, pretty notorious moments of like, when we could just drink the whiskey. Right. Nicky and I would take the cap off the fucking fifth of Jack.

and fill up the cap and take a syringe and we would shoot the Jack Daniels. When we could just drink it, we would shoot it because shooting it was fucking quicker. Like, you know what I mean? Like, faster, louder, harder. How often did this happen? We would do this shit all the time. When we run out of Coke, like, well, fuck, let's shoot some booze. Didn't your, you know, arm look like... Yeah, they get pretty beat up.

The tattoos camouflage that, though. That's why the tattoos? Well, yeah, you couldn't really see the track marks. Right, but I'm saying, is this why there's fucking tattoos in the world to cover up track marks? Well, I don't think so. Is that what we should? No. That's not what they're for. Oh, because I was never a big... Do you have any tattoos? No. No, I'm actively against tattoos. I realize I'm talking to the wrong guy. But that's cool. No.

No, but this is cool too. They don't offend me or anything. Yours are actually kind of interesting. And also, you're a guy. I don't give a shit. But on women, you know, I could live without tattoos. I just accept that it's something that, you know, just it's like... But I feel like it's a trade-off for shaven pubic hair. You know? Okay, but that one they...

is a big improvement. I think it was better when they didn't have tattoos, but I also think if I had to trade that or the big bush, okay, shave your bush. Yeah, yeah. And then you can find if you have to have a tattoo. If you have to have a tattoo.

I'm okay. Are you cool with the little landing strip? I don't know why I was negotiating with myself on this issue because nobody's asking me. But... This is so fucking cool. I'm so flattered you want to do this. I know you never do things like this. Yeah. When I met your buddy... Thank you. When I met your buddy at this George Lopez golf tournament... Chris? Yes, Chris. Yeah, producer. And...

And I was like, when he had mentioned it, I was like, dude, I've been wanting to meet Bill for fucking ever. And I'm not your typical person that would be going on his show. Or like, I'm probably never going to meet this guy. But fuck, I want to meet him. Oh. And it's a fucking, it's an honor, dude. We can have, thank you. We can have parties here. You're a smart, wild motherfucker. I love it. I love it.

I love everything. I'm just going to fanboy out for a second, please. There's nobody else on this planet like you. There just is not. They don't make them like that. You bring me extreme fucking joy watching you say what nobody else will fucking say.

And fucking mean it and not give a flying fuck about it. And dude, to me, that's how I drive. I have so much respect for that, man. I love it. You do not give a fuck. But...

In a very intelligent way and a very, you know, informative way. Like, I just, man, you just, you cut right through the fucking bullshit. And I fucking adore that about you, man. And it's a fucking pleasure to be sitting in this room with you. I really, I had to get that out. Thank you. Sorry, thank you. Thank you so much for that. You know, I'm going to give you my honest reaction to this. Forever, I've had this...

You know, one thing in my portfolio that like was difficult, which is like I do something that is a little harder to understand than most things because it's a hybrid. Is it a is it an opinion news show? Yes. Is it a comedy show? Yes. That that's too much for a lot of people.

So people, it's not like I've had a charmed career and it made it for a charmed life and I feel, I hate the overused word blessed, but I have been. I had a talent that I could then, okay, so, but as far as like people, like when they write about you,

Yeah. Or don't write about you at all. So there's that one part that's like, they would never give me an Emmy, you know, that kind of stuff, which I made my peace with years ago. You can't have everything. You can't be what you just described I am and also be that. And I was like, that's fine. That's a trade-off I'll make a million times over. But many times I've thought to myself, but it would be nice if somebody somewhere, some writer, somebody,

could say what I

I would say about myself, and I think people really understand about me, but they never seem to be able to get it, and you just did it. Oh, man. So finally somebody did it. Oh, that's... Like, if I wanted to pick a clip of somebody's testimony to me, I would pick that clip above one that anybody's ever seen. And I have some big fans and great people, and they've said some nice things, but you nailed it. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. So...

Yeah, out of the mouths of babes and rock stars. You know when you meet somebody or you watch somebody from afar or whatever, you go, I know I've been really, I don't know, we have a lot in common, a lot of thoughts in common. We are going to party here again. We did, like I said, these cameras weren't always here. This is...

the one reason i wanted to do this show is i wanted to meet people who were like you know in show business when do people meet each other when they work yeah this is technically work but it's actually the exact thing we would be doing if we weren't working yes so we can do it i love it no i love it i'll have a little party here one night i'll throw your name here and then by the

If I throw your name out there, William Shatner will come. Yeah. He's been here for parties. Oh, that's awesome. I love him. And I bet she'd like to meet you. Yeah, that would be fun. I know you want to meet him. We'll have a great party. Oh, that's cool, man. Yeah, I was too. Smoking hot wife. Yeah, yep, yep. Boy, she was out there. I was like, Tommy Lee, boy. Still Tommy Lee. I would thank God. You need your idols.

You know, you need your pussy gods. Yeah. It's funny because when I was... I brought you a gift, by the way. Really? And I was taught...

Like I was talking about earlier, like, you know, when you see somebody like, let's just use you for an example. I'm like, I'll bet you. Yeah, I'm here. I'll bet you use me. I know we have a lot in common. And when I meet this guy, I have a feeling we're going to end up being friends for a long time. We're already friends. And which is awesome. And then I thought I'm going to bring him a gift. And then I wasn't sure. But I feel like that thing you just said.

is the gift. Whatever else you gave me, I'm sure I'll love it. I mean, if it's a Roomba, it would be very valuable. The floor looks filthy. I mean, if it's wine, I don't drink wine, but I'll pretend I do. I mean, whatever it is, I'm sure your gift is great. But it couldn't be better than what you did. Oh, that thing? It's a bonsai. I've been working on this for-- You're the second person to give me one of these in the last two weeks. Really? Yeah.

oh, wow. And I was like, I wonder if he's even into it. And then I'm like, I'll bet you he is. And then as soon as I walked back here through the landscape, I was like, I know he's into plants. Well, I definitely, I know he's, I know he smokes a lot of plants, but. I love it. Thank you so much. You're welcome. But what I said, Stan, the other thing was, I like the fucking plant, but yeah,

The other thing I waited like 25 years for. I got to say, I mean, the plant's awesome. Love your plant, but, you know, if I had to give up one. Again, I don't know why I'm... Yeah, yes. Imaginarily negotiating with myself. And I left you a little instructions here so you don't kill the fucking thing.

You wrote out instructions? Yeah. Oh, Tommy. See, you're Mr. Sensitivity. And the variety. But I've been working on that guy for a couple years. You think that's why chicks love you musicians is because, like, yes, music is primal to begin with. But, like, what musicians do is they, you know, the songs are.

are saying things that like women want to hear, but normal guys, you know, just guys who work in places, they, they, they don't say, you know, something in the way you move, you know, they, they don't, they don't, you know, why do birds fly?

fall down from the sky every time you walk by. I don't know, pollution? That's so true. You know, you say the things that a woman wants to hear while you're beating something and sweating. I mean, you got them coming and going. But the sensitivity side, you know,

I mean, I always thought there was a great funny sort of divide between like what musicians are singing and then what the reality of their life is. You know, they're singing, you know, you're three times a lady. Really? They're having sex with three ladies at a time. Yeah.

Did you know that if you're an employer who's hiring, the average cost per hire is $4,700? If you're investing that much money into each new hire, you want to get it right.

So what's the most effective way to find the best people for your roles? ZipRecruiter. See for yourself. Right now you can try it for free at ziprecruiter.com/random and experience the value ZipRecruiter brings to hiring. ZipRecruiter finds you more qualified candidates faster. Once you post your job, ZipRecruiter's smart technology works quickly to identify people whose skills and experience match it.

ZipRecruiter sends you a list of available great matches for your job so you can review the top ones. It's simple. ZipRecruiter helps you get hiring right. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. See for yourself. Go to this exclusive web address to try ZipRecruiter for free before you commit. ZipRecruiter.com slash random. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash random. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire.

I'm heading back to Vegas to just stand up for my last live dates of the year. I'll be there Friday, November 3rd, and Saturday, November 4th. I will be at the David Copperfield Theater at the MGM Grand in Vegas, my new home. There's no underestimating how important lyrics are to women. Oh. Much more than to men. Way more. Way more. Way more. Do you agree? Way more. They know every fucking word.

Yeah. Right. Because guys are like, oh, yeah, I think it kind of goes like, hells bells. Yeah. Like, just the simple shit, you know? Exactly. Yeah. No, it's all, it's the guitar and the drum. Yeah. The feeling. I mean, look, I love a good, oh, you got one. Yeah, yeah, thanks. I love a good lyric.

It totally can make a song for me. Like, fantastic. Even though I've heard and I know what the words are, I can hear them again and again and it doesn't get boring. But it has to be a good song. Yes. If the lyric is great and the song is not great, I'm sorry. I'm glad I heard your words. Good night. Yeah. You got to, you know. Yeah, and for me, it starts like,

Sometimes I won't even get that far. It starts earlier for me if the beat isn't moving me in some direction, whether it's a sway or something aggressive or something bouncy and sexy. It has to move me before I'll even give it the fucking chance sometimes. And it's frustrating because I won't give it a chance if I'm like, oh, the music sucks.

Why would I even hang out here to listen to what they have to say? Because you already lost me. You never had me. So it starts earlier for me. But yeah, the lyrics are important. But you have that with the band that you keep coming back to. Yeah. Musically, you must have that.

Yeah. And that's why you keep coming back together, even though you break up or whatever. Yeah, yeah. That's what it is. Absolutely, man. It's kind of crazy. But as you get older, you must be like, people just get more tolerant and more like, oh, whatever we were fighting about, I don't give a fuck. Is that where you are with the band? Yeah. Or do you really still like them? We just tend to like...

Kind of do the job and take a piss, you know, kind of like what you do with things like we actually we just recorded a song called Canceled. And and because we were we were just inspired by the rest of the world and things and places like anybody else. And there was this article that was like, how did Motley Crue ever not get canceled? How?

that was the that was the headline and we were like we got to write a song about that because we didn't ever get it we we snuck in under the whatever threshold wherever that was where we got away with murder um yeah i mean so because there's no uniform law

That's one thing that really bothers me about cancel culture. There's no uniform law about who gets canceled and how hard. It just seems to be a lot about, well, we like them.

Yeah, yeah. Why haven't Martin, Lee, Grubin, Kent... Well, we like them. Yeah, that is... It's just like... Those guys. It's just like the mean girls just arbitrarily decide, hmm, we like them. You know? Yeah. I just don't... Like, as someone who thought of myself as somewhat of a hard partier in...

the years from like when I was, you know, late 20s into 30s and probably too far into 40s. Yeah. But OK, but, you know, still drinking and going out to lots of places. And I mean, but even in my youngish years, I feel like I couldn't do it every night in a row. No. And it seems like you did it every night in a row.

At that level, like when did your liver, when did you not be drunk? Because if you drank that much, I remember waking up drunk. Oh, no. I would make a huge glass of vodka and a little, like an eyedropper of cranberry juice. An eyedropper? Yeah.

I would make that and put it on my nightstand so that when I woke up in the morning, no, I wouldn't have to go to the refrigerator. I would wake up and drink. And it's like, oh, my God, you fucking drunk. No, it's a full. That's how. Oh, that's how much I like the way alcohol makes me feel.

It's fucking amazing. It's crazy. Did you start like in high school or? Oh, yeah. Were you? Pre-high school. Pre-high school? I was like 13. I think I did acid. Really? Yeah. I lived such a sheltered life. Yeah. I mean, I grew up in...

Like, how old are you? I just turned 60. 60? Oh, God, you're doing so good. 60? Oh, well, welcome to the 60s. Yeah, thanks. You're going to fucking hate it. Really? No, no. I love it, but I mean, like... No, it's fucking rad. Yeah, it's fine if you're still healthy. Yeah. It's just that it's much more likely that health...

Might be you know a monster that is chasing you I mean it is a monster that's always chasing sure and you just got to outrun it and You said it I watched one of your shows. I think kid rock was on or something You said you were like dude. We're all gonna fucking die

And I and I'm that that's literally my fucking my mantra. Like when when I don't get upset about fucking anything because I really I just I'm like, dude, you know what? We're all going to fucking die. And none of this shit, none of this matters.

None of it. What do you tell your kids, like, or did you tell your kids growing up, like, about religion and that kind of stuff? Did they, did you have a religion? Did you, I mean, they must have said, you know, other kids are going to church. If you didn't go to church or if you went to a church, like, why do we go to a different one? You know, kids are going to ask questions about stupid shit that doesn't make sense to them. Yeah. I.E. religion. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I don't know about religion, but when they ask what a Chinese basket is and I tell them it's a plant hanger, that's kind of how things would, you know, you know, Chinese basket with sex swings. Chinese basket is a sex swing? Yeah. They're like, Dad, what is that?

And I didn't have an answer for it. And I was like, it's a plant hanger. And so I went and grabbed a plant and I put it in there. And this was a question about religion?

Well, when they ask questions, I don't know. But we never really talked about religion, obviously. If I had a Chinese basket and a kid who asked me what it was, I would say, that's a thing I fuck hot models on. And kids, that's how you know there is a God. Chinese basket. Oh, dude. Yeah, we went from religious...

But you didn't bring him up in it. Did you ever go to church with kids? No. Did you as a kid? No. No? Not even as a kid? A few times as a kid. Oh, you got off lucky. I had to go every fucking Sunday. Yeah, I went for a little while. My mom was...

Quite religious. Greek Orthodox. I was born in Greece. What's the difference between Greek Orthodox and, say, Episcopalian? I have no fucking idea. Oh, but it's Jesus. Why is it? Greek Orthodox, yes, absolutely. Okay. But there's Eastern Orthodox, Greek Orthodox. You know, I mean, you ever been to Jerusalem? To where? Jerusalem. No. Oh, okay.

Quite a place. Is it? Yeah, I always called it the funny hat capital of the world because like all the different sects, not, you know, there's, of course, Christianity and then the Muslims and the Jews are all in Jerusalem. They all think it's a holy city. But even within that, there's Greek Orthodox and like these different sects of, you know, and they each have like a little...

piece of the city that's their thing to tend to you know this is where jesus's hands were and we we give these to that that shrine we give to the greek orthodox it's a way to keep the peace among you know don't don't steal my myth this is my myth bitch get your own myth okay this is where the jews rose out of the grave and you know the city is it's a it's a fun house mirror i'll bet i'll

I'll bet. I watched that show you did where you went all around and-- Religious? Yeah. Yeah. Because I was curious because I'm like, again, he's going to cut right through all the bullshit. And I really want to hear what he says. And that was-- So you don't think you deprived your kids of anything by giving them a religious upbringing? Because when I asked my mother that question,

in the beginning of Religious List. I said, why, you know, she was Jewish, she didn't go to church with us. You know, I said, why, you know, why were you okay with like me being brought up in a religion that you don't believe in? And she said, well, I thought you, I just thought it was important you have some kind of structure.

Hmm. That never crossed your mind with your kids or when you were a kid? No, because for some reason, man, I've just... I've always had a problem with believing in something that's... I just...

not tangible. I can't see it. I can't touch it. I can't... Well, you can't touch germs. You can't see them. You believe in them. Yeah. But for some reason, religion's always been... No, it's very different. I'm just saying... People are losing their minds over this fucking fictitious character. Exactly. What is happening? I mean, that is exactly what God is, is a fictitious character. Right.

You know, we know the Bible is an anthology. We know it's many different books written over many different years by many different people. How are you supposed to latch on to some of that? No, no, right. And they made this, well, the New Testament, of course, the four Gospels are telling the same story, but they're all different.

Because it's their version of it. And only one of them is Jesus' pouty at the end. Way to confuse people. We've got eight different versions. Well, there's four different versions. But only one, at the end, he says, Lord, why hast thou forsaken me?

That's kind of a big plot point to either put in or leave out. Because it's a little Star Wars-y. It's him and the dad, and there's a lot of drama between those two. Oh, my God. Jesus and his dad don't get them started. But, you know, Father, why hast thou forsaken me is very different than the other three, which that didn't happen in their story.

knowing. I mean, it's just crazy that, you know, they could differ and people still believe it.

You know, it's a great, if you were putting this on trial in a courtroom, that would be a great thing to present as evidence that, well, Your Honor, the four stories don't match. Yeah. What are we going to do about this? We cross-examine the witness. One of them says that he thinks God forsake them and the other ones don't. They didn't see it. You know.

That would be awesome. You need to make that. Well, you know, it's funny you mentioned that. People have said to me since, I can't believe, that's 15 years ago, Religious List came out. 2008. Was that 15 years ago? It came out. Whoa. Excuse me. October 3rd, 2008. That's my birthday. My mother had died just like a year before. Or no, she died, I think, that October. Wow.

And people over the years have said, you know, why don't you do a religious list, too? You know, you could do the Hindus and the Buddhists. And I'm like, OK, first of all, they're not funny. They're not funny. I got to have some fun here. Yeah, people don't know. I mean, this one was great because it hit a nerve. We did the Christians and the Jews and the Muslims. That's what people know in America and the world and blah, blah, blah. So I said, forget it. I will never do that.

And the director, Larry Charles, you know, he really is my full partner in this. I can't direct a movie. He did Borat. You know, he's a genius, Larry Charles. So I had dinner with him recently, and I said, I always thought we shouldn't do Religious 2, the Hindus, but somebody suggested to me Religious 2, but the religion is wokeism. And I said...

Yeah, if we could just broaden it out a little, the religion is like politics is the new religion. You know, QAnon, woke-ism is a religion, but so is QAnon and Trumpism. And I said, if we did Religious List 2,

But that was the religion. Politics, the new religion. Oh, that'd be cool. Don't you think? Yeah. Yeah, I think that'd be fun. For sure. I just wonder if, like, I want to... Sounds like you could have some fun with that, I would imagine. Yeah, but I don't really want to, like, you know...

Work that hard and I mean for religious we traveled I know look like you were going all over the place. It looked like that. We were clever We did that we had two long trips. We went to Israel we but then it was England and Amsterdam and yeah, look a few other places and then America we went to a lot of different places that was easier, but you know they

I don't know if at this point in my life I want to get my ass out of bed in the morning and like put on makeup and like, you know, just be on location and away from my home. You know, you get a little comfortable. You know, when you're young, you don't care about comfort. No, you're like, let's go. First time I went to Europe, I was 21, right out of college, you know, following my sweetheart at the time to college.

school in which a Switzerland she worked at and it's like oh we can't be apart so I'll she got me a job at the school it was teaching kids international school oh shit yeah and before we went started the job we spent like three weeks or a month going through Europe like backpack basically like youth hostels Europass you know just like no money

kind of trip. Yeah. And fine because you're 21. Yeah. You know, you don't need the comfort. Comfort is just not your priority at that age. And then at our age, it becomes a very big priority. I like to be comfortable. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Right? Yes. And at that age, you don't really even know what comfort is yet for some reason, I feel like. Right. You know what I mean? Like,

I don't know. You just don't know yet. It's not like you never had something that was comfortable, but I don't know what your upbringing was. Mine was like middle class. Yep, same here. Yeah. I mean, we weren't rich at all, but we weren't poor. We weren't the...

Yeah, we were the cheapest houses in town. But they weren't bad houses, but there was a richer section of town. Of course. That were slightly better houses. These were houses built right after World War II. They were like... My parents, when they bought the house, they never even saw the actual house. You saw a model. They were like throwing... Oh, I remember that. Yeah. You got like 26A because it was...

It wasn't that complicated. Yeah. Three small bedrooms, a living room, a dining room, a kitchen, a basement. You know, the American dream. Where did you grow up? Tommy, that's a little personal. I didn't ask when. I said where. New Jersey. Where? New Jersey.

New Jersey. New Jersey. I knew it had to be, you can tell. New Jersey, yeah. Where did you grow up? Well, I was born in Athens, Greece. Right. Moved here when... To where? I was two. Covina? Oh, California. Yeah, Covina, California. So you're a California guy. Pretty much all my life. Right. See, I... When I was two. I had a different California experience. I had California...

Like as my savior, like as my, you know, as I'm going to get back to Oz, you know. When did you? Well, 27. Oh, okay. 40 years. I've been here 40 years. Moved here in 1983. I had done three Tonight Shows. And so, you know, I was on my way, time to move to California and get a little apartment on West Mount Avenue and,

It was like paradise. California after New York, which I've always found is a tough for me. You vibe with certain cities, you know, and some, I mean, I love New York for a lot of reasons. It's my home turf, you know, New York teams. We were, I grew up in a suburb of New York. My father worked in the city every day, but I didn't get along with like, I don't like the weather. I didn't buildings. I don't like living in a building. Yeah. Got to tell you.

The women, I just did not get along with the women easily.

Very tough. The guys were so aggressive. And so the women would shut down. New Yorkers, like, guys, hey, hey, how you doing on the street? How you doing? Hey, what, I can't smile? You can't smile for me? Hey, smile. What are you, too good to smile? Hey, how you doing? No, can I get, like, go? I just want to talk. So women, of course, are like fucking aggressive. Right. So it just didn't vibe. And then I came out here, and it was like, oh,

It's a little more relaxed. Yes. Yes. That's awesome, man. That's cool. I get it. New York is cool. I love California. But for me, it's one of those places that it's like...

I hate to compare it to fucking Las Vegas because they're completely opposite. But it's a place I can only stay for three days. That's my max. Where? New York. New York, right. After three days, I just can't. Oh. I love it, but after three days, I go, okay, I got to go because I can't. I can't. It's too fucking crazy. I feel roughly the same way. And I just want to say to me,

New York. That is not an insult. I don't know. Right. It's not an insult. It's just like some people, you know, vibe with your thing and some people don't. And boy, they take it very personally and because the media is in New York, you know, it's like you kind of have to kiss New York ass first.

like before like okay then if you're if you don't like kiss new york ass it's like you're first of all you're just a crazy person because it's the greatest greatest city in the world haven't you heard i mean we say it all the time so it must be true oh my god city for you and god bless you and it is a great city i live there twice i get what's great about new york

I like this better. That doesn't make me weird. I think you're weird. I mean, the things you put up with, I

Again, I wouldn't even want to live in like a super great building because it's a fucking building. And I have to take an elevator to get home? That just doesn't, that's not me. I grew up in the suburbs. Maybe I'm spoiled. Maybe I'm crazy. Good, then call me crazy. But I don't like to do that. I don't like to get in an elevator. I like to be able to walk outside, piss on my own land. Yeah. If I so choose. I get you, man. I get you.

I got you. I'm sure the next time I do piss outside, I'll probably hit a rock star who's fallen asleep in the gutter, as is your won't. I'm so glad that you made it through the storm.

with you know looking good healthy thanks man yeah because you could never backslide not at your age oh well yeah and i'll tell you like 60s is a little different animal than the 50s i feel like the 50s is like a much more of an extension of the 40s yeah yeah yeah

You can kind of get away with whatever you're getting away with in your 40s.

Yes. But like 60, you better like, come on. Yeah. It's time. You better calm down. Time to fucking calm down, bro. Just fucking calm down. Yeah. Let's not be greedy. Yeah. That's what your body is saying to you. Let's not be greedy. You had a good run. Yeah. Yeah. Put the bottle down. Yeah. Just sleep. Yeah. Sleep, you know. Save some for the other folks. Yeah.

Come on. Well, that's more you. Oh, I have to tell you before you go, before I forget this, you'll be amused by this, I hope. Like...

And comedians, especially ones like, I've done a monologue like every either night or every week for 30 years. It's like so ingrained and you get submitted many monologue jokes. I'm sure you know by a team of writers, that's one thing like they do the lion's share of that. I mean, writing monologue jokes on my- Do you write with the other writers? Because don't you- We both do that. We both do that. And there are parts of the show that I am more my own head writer.

But I do read everything everybody writes. I don't have any filter. Got it. But like monologue jokes, like I don't sit there and crank out a monologue. You know, that's a real skill. It's like those other skills we were talking about. I'm kind of in awe of it because I don't know if I could do that. Jay Leno can.

Jay Leno, during that last writer's strike in 2007, Jay Leno definitely wrote a great monologue by himself every night. I don't know if I can do that monologue. That's not really exactly my thing. But I feel like I'm a very good editor and I know what the good jokes are. And that's really part of the skill. So every once in a while, you do have sort of a moment of, oh, I should have picked that one. It doesn't happen a lot.

But there is one that's stuck in my mind for 26 years. And it's about you. Get the fuck out. I swear to God.

In 1997, I was submitted a joke and I didn't do it. Brian Jacobs Meyer wrote it, still with me. Great, amazing writer. And so sorry, Brian, this joke is 26 years late, but I told you I was going to get to it. But you must have been split from Pam and then got back together. And that was the story, Tom and...

Tommy and Pam, did that happen? Yeah, yeah. Okay, so Tommy and Pam back together and they gave a statement and said, well, we just decided that we still respected each other and still loved each other. Oh, who am I kidding? You've all seen his penis. Oh, fuck. And I swear to God, I remember that for 26 years because I wish I had done that joke. And you didn't. I don't know why I didn't. Huh, that's interesting.

Well, I was almost a part of the fucking monologue. I know. Oh, I'm sure you were other times. I mean, you were always in the press in those days, the 90s. Yeah, yeah. You know, it's sad. Like, I can accept the fact that the 60s, my first year when I was like cognizant of shit, you know, was a very long time ago. But it just bothers me that the 90s

when I was a fully grown-ass man is also a long, long time ago. Yeah. I mean, the 90s is a long time ago, right? It feels like it. It is. I mean... Like, what... I mean, we were... The country was completely different. Yeah. We were completely different. Completely different. Yeah. No, this is true. I mean, think about what you were doing. This eight bottles of... Yeah. Fuck.

And that would be pre... I can't believe you survived that. Pre... Yeah, that'd be pre-fucking internet and social media and stuff, right? Was that right when things were kind of starting with that? You must have had issues with your kids about that, like social media and what? Yeah, insane. Like what? Insane. From the simplest things to the craziest things, like...

You know, where they'd be like, take a picture. We're fucking, you know, a picture that shows the gate at the airport on our way to go. Guys, do not do that. Because at one point we considered getting kidnapping insurance.

I don't mean to laugh, but... Which is fucking... Like, I never in my lifetime ever thought I'd be even having that conversation. But I was telling the kids, I'm like, you can't tell people where you're at. Somebody might want to fucking swoop you up. Yes, that's good advice. And hold you for some ransom. But can I... I need to ask a question about kidnapping insurance. In case I need somebody. But is it that if a loved one gets kidnapped, the insurance company...

That has to give you like the amount of money that the ransomers are asking for. That's what the insurance is for. It's not for you to like go spend it. No. For a day out. For ransom, yeah. Yeah, that's not good. No, I was like, you can't, you can't.

give people your location. People, you know... You know what I feel like is great? There's some fucked up people out there. Someone might decide to swoop you up. But I gotta say, one way I think you can really avoid a lot of that is I'm sure travel is great. And I certainly did it a little bit in my life. But like these days, give me America. You know, with all its flaws, it is home.

You know, I wouldn't want to get into trouble somewhere else. As bad as it can be in this country, it's still better because it's my country. Yes. And it's still, there's still a little decorum here that lots of countries don't have. Uh-huh. I mean, it's a fucked up justice system, but it is a justice system. A lot of places don't think you even need one. Yeah. You know? Yes. People do not have perspective about America.

I don't know why I'm yelling at you. Take it easy, dude. Not my fault. And another thing, Tommy Lee, I don't know why you think you get off shitting on America like this. America's been pretty good to you, my Greek friend. Greek, I guess you're taking up the ass. Where men are men and sheep are scared. Oh, dude. Oh, my God. You just reminded me of something. Oops.

I read that you registered in hotels under the name Haywood Jablomi. Yes. Yes. That's one of the few aliases. Haywood Jablomi.

Now, what do you tell your kids when they ask you about that? Well, they're just used to it. It was my mom. That's your parenting advice? They get used to it. It was my mom that had a fucking hard time with all of them. She's like. Your mom? Yeah. She'd be, Tom, who is Clint Torres? Oh.

And I'm like, Clint Torres? I'm like, that's me, Mom. I stayed under that name. But she goes, why do you have to be, you know? There's been so many other ones. Clint Torres. Clint Torres. Hey, would you blow me? Clint Torres. She would just always be bummed because she would realize.

That she's calling to speak to her son, but she has to ask for some fucking jackass name. Like, you know. Did you ever see? Oh, another one was Peter Gozinha. Why? Well, who is Peter Gozinha? I was like, mom, that's my alias. I don't like this. Did you ever see that clip? It was a real clip.

of a news team, I think they were in San Francisco, and somebody played a prank on them. It was right out of Ron Burgundy. He reads whatever's on the teleprompter. When there was a crash of a Chinese plane.

And somebody put the joke, they put in the prompter the names of the four pilots. Oh, no. And the first one was We Too Low. Oh, I think I've seen that.

That could have been floating around, huh? Hysteric. It was real. They really did it. That's why it was so great. But it was also hysterically funny. The best. The best. I love when that happens. Or you get the fucking, the weather chick is doing something and then like the cloud formation looks like a big dick going in her ear. I love when that stuff just randomly happens. It's beautiful.

So you give no quarter to the super sensitive, ultra woke people who would have objections to things like this? What's the question? I give no what? No quarter. No quarter? Surely, Tommy Lee, you know that the Third Amendment is about quartering soldiers. Quarter. When you say give no quarter, it means like give no protection, give no credence to. Oh, okay.

See, I knew I'd learn something here today. Fuck. Right. I'm saying it's a way of saying, you know, you give no respect to the super woke, super sensitive who object to everything. I am hoping they annoy you as much as they annoy me. Yes. I just don't care. Good. I fucking don't care. Right. No, trust me. You are...

You don't have to worry about this because you're right. That headline, why hasn't Motley Crue been canceled? The real headline is, you know, they can't be. If they haven't by now, it's a done deal. We've accepted them. We've made an exception. We said, stay here in the condominium even though you have a cat. Which actually kind of pisses me off because now I want to even try harder. Right. It's almost an insult. I mean...

Yeah. Fuck. I get drunk and take pictures of my dick and throw it up on the internet, and that doesn't do anything either. So I guess I'm safe. And you never did that? I never did. No. So what does that mean?

There's a conch here? It's not a smudge, is it? No. Let me get that for you, Tommy. I'm sorry. Enjoy the dog meat whiting. What? What the fuck kind of tattoo is that? Now, what does that mean? The meaning of this is truth. Yeah. Yeah.

What, in our language wasn't good enough for you? You come here to America from just like the Australians, the Greeks, invading America, taking good American jobs that American drummers could be doing. Yeah, and putting Japanese. And then you turn around, you can't even spell it in English. So truth, really, that is the character in what, Mandarin? Japanese. Oh, Japanese. Kanji, yeah. And why did you choose the Japanese character?

Are they especially truthful people? No, that word. I mean, yes, but that word is just a really powerful word for me. It's in constant search for the truth. What is the truth?

You know what I mean? It's a big one for me, and I was like, I need that. Me too. I always thought, I mean, there's so many qualities in life that we wish we had all of. Loyalty, you could list great attributes, but at some point you do understand, for whatever reasons, evolution, revolution, there's a couple of things that are just your things. And for me, it was truth and freedom.

truth and freedom those are my two like you know i i can't really abide someone not being truthful yeah i don't hate them for it but like you know we can only be so friendly you know if i think you're not real yeah and freedom you know never getting married that kind of stuff it's like like there's something about it's not about anybody else it's about me freedom

And that's not for everybody. I mean, like some people. Yeah, freedom's a big one. Yeah, not to say you can't be free in a marriage. Yeah, no. But it's harder. Yes, yeah. You're sharing. Well, also because if you're in any kind of relationship, the one thing above all I think you want to be is considerate. And considerate comes from the word consider.

So it really means if you're in a relationship like every day, you always have to consider what this other person is doing, thinking, needing, feeling.

Not every minute of the day. They're at work. You're making waffles. You're sleeping it off. They're working. Whatever it is. But that's a lot. I mean, I'm sure I've done it. I'm sure it's great. But every day to consider, I feel like I can only get through my shit in a lot of days.

Man, I hear you. I hear you. I hear you. I always have this conversation all the time. My wife sleeps literally till 2 p.m. every day. I can beat that. And I think the record is 4.30. I'm like, babe, do you realize it's 4.30? Anyway, my point is...

And I never sweat her about like, you know, God, I wish she'd wake up a little earlier and we could do some more stuff together. Right. I love that she sleeps till two because I have, like you were saying, I have...

less to consider. And I say that in a positive way. I do what Tommy wants to do till 2 o'clock and then I'm ready to share the rest of my day. 24-7 like this, there's no fucking way I could do that. There's no crime to say that sharing is...

a form of expending energy. Yes. That sometimes I want to harbor that energy.

I get it. Like British soldiers. That's how I feel about my energy. Don't fuck with them. Yeah. Any relationship, whether it be friend, wife, it's work. It takes... Yeah. Well, there you said the magic word that when people ask, why haven't you ever got married? I always say, because people say it's work. And I'm like...

I don't want to work. Why? How is this possibly an advertisement? I don't want to work. I don't want to fucking work. What other product would they advertise by bragging about what work it is? Yeah. Buy our toaster. Yeah.

You think it's easy to hook it up? Fuck no. We made this simple toaster. So complicated. You have to read directions and call somebody on the phone. They're always busy. I would be like, why? No. I don't want that toaster. No. I want this toaster. Pop-up one. Oh, dude. My first house.

I lived across this... What? What do you want? No, just there's this really beautiful, like... I know. Beams of light coming... I'm looking at that. It's almost like Jesus got here. It's...

He's our next guest. Sorry, Tommy. We're taping two. You're out of here. You were great. He is coming. I hate to keep Jesus waiting. But that looks awesome. Is that like... You had no religious training if you didn't know that thing about the Gospels. And one of them, God, Father, why hast thou forsaken me? It's a whole different song for making this into a song, right? Now it's about...

Dad, you weren't the dad I thought you were. Right? It is. Or why are you using me? You created these people and they fucked up and now you're sending me as a sacrifice? Right? That's the idea behind that. But why did the other three dudes not feel that way? They just cleaned it up, I guess. Like Jesus...

You know, Jesus just, he got over it. He was like, yeah, it hurts up here, but you know what? I'm just not going to make a thing out of it. It's family. He did what he thought was right for me. I get it. That's, you know, that's a very different story to tell. Also, why doesn't anybody know what happened to Jesus between, like, births?

And when he was 30. What happened in those years? Oh, yeah. We see the birth, of course, that the Magi. Yeah. Three wise men. And then ghost town. Ghost town.

Then we pick up the story when he's 30. What did happen? They made it up. I'm asking you like you know. I do know. Scholars know. I know what scholars know because I've read and watched. There's an awesome, awesome, you should watch this. It's called From Jesus to Christ.

Whoa, what a cool title. From Jesus to Christ. It's brilliant. It's probably from the 90s, I think. I had it on VHS, but I'm sure you can get it. It's biblical scholars, not religious people, but they study religion. And they're telling you how Christianity became the religion it was. I mean, it was for, you know...

at its beginning almost snuffed out and there were many other religions that started around the same time. Why did this one become successful? That's what they're trying to answer. Oh, wow. Howdy. I got to watch this. Yes. From Jesus to Christ. From Jesus to Christ. It's great. And all the scholars agree about certain things like the gospels, the Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, you know, they were all written well after Jesus died, you know.

And that's the thing, the one where Jesus is prissy is the one that happened right after the temple was destroyed in 70 AD. So the Jews were, it was like their 9-11. So that's why that was the mood of that story. Like, why have you forsaken me? Yeah. You know a lot about this stuff. Yeah.

I love the, compared to a real scholar, no, I don't, but I just know what they know. And it is so interesting to me. Like how did, you know, that's a great question. How did this one religion, and trust me, there were lots of other gods working around that time. And by the way, they all had the birthday of December 25th.

Because that was the day after the three days after this winter solstice. It's when they first saw that the sun was was higher in the sky and the days were getting longer again. Because before that, they thought, oh, no, life is ending. And then, oh, no.

Oh, good. So it was a feast day. Oh, wow. So that's why they gave it to Jesus. They gave it to all the gods, you know, because it was like the big day that the pagans, they got it from the pagans. It's like life is continuing again. That's cool that it interests you that much. I just could... I was just telling you earlier, I just... I don't know why, I just never took interest in it because I couldn't... It's so interesting. I couldn't... And I've had experiences where...

I woke up on my knees with tears running down my face, naked in front of a glass sliding glass window, crying, woke up there and went, what's happening? What got me out of bed, asleep, to this window on my knees in the sunlight, crying? What did? I have no idea.

So, I mean, I've had these experiences where something is pulled on me. You had no idea? No clue. Zero. Wow. And I just, so that's why I think about, like, when I think about religion, I just think, like, how, you know, like, whoever started it, you know,

I don't know. I think just in general, everybody's looking externally for something and to believe in, to fucking dump on, to help, to... I don't know. And I just... For me, I just find that so false. I don't... Everything you need is right here. Like...

You know, that's the part I just could never come to terms with. But I've had experiences that made me feel different. Like, well, wait a second. What was that about? Or was that just a fucking random sleepwalking fucking, like, I don't know. But I felt something, something that I'd never felt before. So I've had, and I don't know what that is. But you pulled a lucky life.

Right? Like if you're just an embryo, you're not a thing yet. Yeah. And like there's, you know, up there in heaven or whatever, they're creating lives. And I was like, you know, every once in a, you know, 29 million, we got a rock star. Right? You know. Have fun. And he's good looking and he's got a big dick. And it's like you pulled a good life. You know what I mean? So don't you think that colors your view of life?

You know, like when people say that silly thing about everything happens for a reason, I always like to lecture them. That's something that affluent people can say. Everything happens for a reason. Because your life is interesting and it's varied and you go to different places and things could happen. There's a lot of people who were born in poverty and they die in grinding poverty and not a lot happens for a reason in their world. Yeah.

I don't know why I felt that was necessary to kick it off my chest. What are we talking about? All right. I know you have to get to your big rock concert. Oh, yeah. But I can't tell you how much fun I knew this would be. And you did not disappoint. Oh, that's cool. For one second. You gave me an amazing gift. And...

I'm going to let you go and release you back into the wild. But it was really great to get to know you. Thank you, buddy. It was a pleasure again, man. What a trip. Club. We'll do it. This is the first of many because we're very young. Yes. In spirit. Club. Club.