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How are you? I am doing... Look at these. Oh, thank you. I made a very... Fucking Christ. I'm very grateful that you are affirming these because I was deciding between bare leg or boot. And it feels like boot was the choice for you. Wow.
But there's something about a boot that's a little more, I mean, most boots are not like fit over you like a skin. That is true. I mean, that's a different kind of boot. Yeah, these are stand-up boots. They're not walk-around boots. Right. Yeah, we're not going for a walk around your property after this. This is as far as we're going to go. But in the meantime, it's very nice. But I can certainly, I know your background a little bit. I think I can say this to you.
But I'm also Canadian, and Canadians are very strict about shoes in the house. I just had William Shatner here. You know, if we can just act as if that happened, it was the most phenomenal date I've ever seen in my life. Me and him? Yes. Okay.
You were mirroring each other, your body language, you were affirming each other, you nagged each other. It was like such magic to watch, I thought to myself. - Oh, thank you. - If you were sexually attracted to him, would that not be your ideal long-term partner?
That's a lot to bite off there, Shan. No, I mean, I can't even imagine William Shatner in that role in my life. But men can love each other for sure. And it's funny the way, you know, he and I...
It's interesting, you know, you circle someone for years, decades. Sort of know them. You know, I always say in Hollywood, people ask, they think you're, you know, friends with everybody in show business. I'm always like, well, there's friends and there's friendly. Yes. A friend is someone who I purposely make plans with. I have their phone number. I can confide in. And then there's friendly. We have been friendly and now we're friends. You sat on his lap out the gate. Yeah.
So that just sent a very different message. Maybe the tone that you set, but it was just like a very... Well, I knew he didn't want to get up.
So I'm trying to be, I'm always trying to be a good host, you know. I mean, I have many flaws. You can't accuse me of ever being like great at commitment or anything like that. But I think I'm a good friend and a good host. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. But I think he was so curious and you were curious in return. You learned from each other. You had disagreements, but they were civil. I feel like in the end, it was just a very beautiful date. Yes.
Because it's, you know, and we talked about age in there. And there is something about being older enough to, like, have confidence in so many things that you don't when you're young. Like, I'm just going to be honest with this person. I'm going to trust. It's not going to be offensive to them. In fact, they're actually going to be complimented. You called him beefy in the first few minutes. That was a bold move. Beefy is not. That's an egg. Well, yeah.
I feel like when you're 90, it's good to be beefy. I think so, too. You know, what you don't want to be is skeletal. He looked buttery to me. That's when I saw him, and I mentioned that, that the lighting is very flattering in here, and I was like, he looks very buttery. What is buttery? You know, smooth, kind of like, you know, gelato when you go and you see them and they're scooping it. For 90? He looked, yeah, he looked scoopable. This guy must, like, sleep in Sephora. Yeah.
He does look phenomenal. We've got to go to Target together. We've got a man crush on him. I loved it. And it was fascinating, too, to me because when you're a sexologist, when you study sex, you have to do something every few years called a SAR, which is sexual attitude reassessment. And it's three intensive days where essentially you watch sex.
various kinds of porn, for lack of a better term. You watch all these different erotic materials so that your sensitivity is increased so that if you tell me that you like your dick stomped on with high heels and that's what you like about these boots. I don't. Well, if you did, I wouldn't have a adverse reaction. I'd be like, okay. I'd have a adverse reaction. Like, wow, that hurts my dick.
Well, it depends on who's stomping and how they stomp. No, I don't think it depends on that at all. I think any time you're getting your dick stomped on, it's bad. The people who I've seen had it stomped on before, it looked like they were enjoying it. And I think that if there's an even distribution, and they actually don't do with the point. It's more of like the pressure itself. I guard my dick like you love those boots.
My dick is not getting stomped on. I don't care how hot you are. Well, you can stomp on these boots. I don't guard them that much. You are not stomping on my dick. But in that course that I just did, and I did it a couple months ago, we had a pup play that I watched and a section on aging and sex. So it was fascinating to watch that because I was like, oh, I've just had references for these. Pup play. Now, both of us were a little confused out of our depth there. Pup play, why don't you...
Hit me with what that's really all about. When you see it, it makes perfect sense. Because, do you like play fighting in sex? No. Never? I don't do anything kinky in sex, and I don't miss it. You know, I don't want to choke you. I don't want to slap you. I don't want to cum on your face. Doesn't anybody just fuck anymore? Well, pub play is on the opposite end of the spectrum of everything you just suggested. Right.
So I don't want to do that either. I don't want to dress up as a squid. I don't want to be a rabbit. You know, I just want to fuck. Why is if you're doing it right, I feel like you don't need all these bells and whistles. And also they never change anything. I mean, no matter how many wigs you put on, you know, it's it's the same dude and the same woman. You know, it's like the wig. You can't fool me with the wig.
It'd be great. Or if you're a pirate or like tonight, I'll be the hooker and you'll be Charlie Sheen, you know, whatever it is that you think you can pull off. It's like, you're kidding yourself, I think, but maybe, but maybe I'm limited.
I don't think, I mean, there's something beautiful about just appreciating. I always say this about when I met my now husband, I was looking for a fuck buddy and I was auditioning dudes to see like, who did I feel had it? And there was something about him. Like in an actual office?
More or less. I mean, it was my studio apartment at the time. So it was my office, technically. In my kitchen, in my bathroom. It was everything. You'd look at their headshot. Exactly. And you'd be like, special skills? Come on. No, legit. I'd just play Beyonce. I'd wear a sports bra. I'd wear track pants. I'd have dudes come over. We'd make out. And I'd just kind of get a vibe, usually. I wish I'd got that casting call. It was a good time in my life. And what I liked about him and why he ended up becoming my fuck buddy is...
He was fingering me, and the look on his face when he was doing it was like no flow. It was like a painter. An artist. An artist. I always say, you're painting or conducting a symphony that no one else will ever hear.
If it's good, it doesn't really sound like any other symphony that's ever been performed because the act should be an artistic expression and there should definitely be no planning.
Like my friend Carol Leifer, great comedian, she used to have this great bit about married sex. She said it's kind of like a cha-cha, you know, I do this to you, then you do this to me. Then I do this to you, then you do. And that's what sex, I think, often devolves into after you've been with someone for a while. And that's what you want to avoid, I think, is, you know. And, of course, that's where drugs come in.
But that's why I agreed with you. No, kids, I didn't mean that. You didn't mean that. No. It's clover cigarette. That's the correct term, right? It's a clove cigarette. It is. Okay, that was new for me. But I will affirm what you were saying in that if you are authentic, it's different every time, right? Because I'm responding to the mood, my day. Right. And if you're actually into the person still. Yes. You know, I mean, you...
And unfortunately, passion dies in most relationships. I mean, people have all these different methods. We're just talking about wigs and shit to basically throw a lifesaver to this drowning person.
Part of the relationship, right? I mean, it's drowning. It's dying. And like, oh, maybe if I throw up the wig or whatever the fuck you're going to do. But it's very hard to arrest that evolution toward less passion.
spontaneity and less like spark that makes you have that great perform that symphony that's ever been done before and and wind up doing the you do this to me and I do this because I always say there's only so many fucks in the can I don't know it could be five it could be 500 do you mean in a lifespan or with any one person there's only so many fucks in the can and then
Come on, I know there's one more in there. That's what you're doing. And I don't know if anyone can beat that spread. I know we have many ways of trying and...
I wish you luck. I think expanding. What do you have? You're not a throuple, but an open. Yes. Well, open is another way of saying, you know, we're not, yeah, I mean, that's certainly one way to keep the interest higher.
I think it definitely is that for me. But I think that when sex becomes more than just a way to get off and it becomes a place of freedom, like this is a space. We're so domesticated, right? The way that we're sitting right now, the way that we're talking, you know, we're not. If you said to me, my back hurts, I couldn't just go over there and start rubbing your back, right? There's all these rules for how we're supposed to behave. So you have this one place that you're. I just blew a shot in her. You, it wasn't, if that was how you blow somebody. Yeah.
That's why you never had homosexual experience, because that was no good. You're right. It's the space that you can be free and authentic and make crazy sounds and those desires that you've had that you've been repressing all day long, you can let it out with this person. If it becomes a space for that, that's where the wigs and the pup play and the howling make perfect sense. Okay. Have you ever howled before? Howled? No.
You mean like, like the dog, like the dogs do when the fire engine goes by? Yes. No, I don't feel like I've ever made that sound or know why I would. Well, you did well just now. I love it. When dogs do that to a siren, I just think it's the most adorable thing.
I've howled before when I was sad. So when I watched the pup play... Like that? Well, from the depths of my soul. I can't perform it right now. I'm not an actor. But it would be like, you know, like that deep howl, that animalistic howl. So when I watched the pup play, you know, erotic video, and they were howling together during sex, that was like, I get that. Yeah.
I get why somebody would be into that. Or they were both howling. Yes. Or you could just howl by yourself if that was your preference. But I think, again, I could kind of... I feel like that takes a lot of energy away from the parts that really feel good. You know, like, oh, but, like, that's not really... How is that adding to, like, that, you know, what's going on in my balls? Are you silent? Are you silent? No, not silent. And it's interesting you bring that up because back to the issue of, like, when relationships start...
Dying. Get into that place. No, it's the bottom of the ketchup bottle or the Pringles can. That's where the one is that like when I'm turned on, I can't stop words coming out of my mouth. And when I'm not, I can't make them come out of my mouth. In other words, it's almost involuntary.
Authentic. That's great. You can't get much more authentic than involuntary. Yes. There are times when I wished I could have made words come out of my mouth because I thought, oh, this isn't good. I'm looking, it's not, you know, it's not communicating. I think...
It's so great when you can communicate in multiple ways. Am I decoding dirty talk? What happened? Dirty talk? Is that what you're saying? No, no, no. Not dirty talk. I mean real talk. Real talk. Not like, oh, baby, baby, you know, and you don't need to tell me I have a big dick or whatever. I don't need to hear it. Well, I need an example because if you don't howl, you make sounds, but you talk. Talk. But again, if it's completely...
and happening in the moment and inspired and that symphony. How could I tell you what it is now? I don't know. I'd have to be having sex with you to approximate it. I can't. That wasn't my way of...
I promise. Maybe if we were fucking right now, I might come to life. I promise that was not what that was about. I'm just telling you, that's the truth. So I can't give you an example, but whatever it is, it's like what I'm actually feeling at the moment. Is that a genuine response? You really cannot remember what you say or what you sound like during sex at all? Oh, I didn't say that exactly. I said I can't do it. I'm not going to do it now because it's like,
Yeah, I actually can't. You're right, I can't. I can't think of an example because it's happening in the moment. One thing I like about sex is that mostly I'm too analytical and everything is happening in my head. And if I'm turned on and, you know, high on liquor, the legal drug that I do, then I'm sort of out of my head. And that's like a great relief for me. It's very hard to achieve that.
But, you know, again, it's not if it's planned or in any way known beforehand what's going to happen, then it's no good.
And it's hard to maintain that. I mean, you know, again, it's very easy to slide into, I do this to you and you do this to me. But everybody's trying to get to that place that you're at, which I'd like to be curious about when you got there. Because to get to that place where you're being genuinely authentic and you're expressing yourself and you're letting all your humanity out and receiving pleasure and giving pleasure and you're so in flow that you don't know what the fuck happened afterwards. Right, right.
that's where everyone's trying to get. Some people need to put on a wig to get there. Some people need to pretend they're a puppy to get there, right? So that's what I mean. Like sex positivity isn't like, oh, there's a certain good way of having sex. It's like getting to a place where you get to be in full authentic expression of yourself as a sexual being and you give space for others. That's it. And you've achieved that.
You just didn't need the extra stuff. Look, I'm not hip with sex at all because, like, the thing you're doing with Open, I could never. It's, like, very hard to, like, I mean, threesomes I always thought were, like, better for the ego than the dick. They reminded me. Listen to me. I'm remembering all my old comic buddies' bits. But Paul Reiser, he used to have a bit where he talked about showering with someone.
Not with two people, just with one person. And he was like, someone's not getting enough water. And I always felt with a threesome, someone's not getting enough dick, you know? And there's no way to sort of like get around that. And I'm sure there are people hipper than me, but it's like, I don't want to, it's just too much work.
It's just, and sex is so brilliantly designed as a one-on-one that it's just so complicated and, you know, it's hard for one person not to get jealous of, you know, all they have to do is see you, like, look into someone's eyes who you're fucking, which is, you know, if you're not going to do that, what's the point of fucking? Although there are people, plenty of people who fuck without looking into each other's eyes.
They're called married people. No, I'm kidding. Anything you're not in practice of doing is going to seem arduous and hard. And like anything that you're not in flow of, right, it takes thought process. So your idea of giving fellatio is very different from what it's actually like. But if you were more in practice and more in flow, then it wouldn't feel like, what do I have to do next? Look at my knees. I have to do this. So if you're repeatedly having threesomes or multiple partners, then of course, then you become second nature. No.
Oh, I thought you were in an open relationship. Well, here's the thing. Our definition of open essentially is we don't police each other's desire. I don't police his sexual needs. He doesn't police mine. And as a result of that, we have the option. We've been married for three years now. We have a kid. I'm
pregnant again. So we haven't engaged in a while. But even at a certain point in our marriage, when we were first getting together, we kept trying new sexual things. He said to me like, hey, you know, it's a long life. We don't have to try to jam in every fetish, every toy, every tool. We'll wait. So open to me is a concept and a way of life that if I was propositioned by the right person, if I had an incredible date night like you do with William Shatner, I might be like, let's ask him if he's down. This feels fluid and natural. Speaking of jamming in,
Okay. No, I said jam in, but let's go. So you're pregnant? Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, like, are you going to have sex throughout the pregnancy? Yes. Really? Yes. It's number two for me, so I've been doing this. It's number two? Yeah. Oh, I thought you... Okay. I thought you said number two. I thought you were doing it in the ass. Oh. Sometimes. Okay, so...
And he likes it during pregnancy too? This actually was a place of contention because we talk about our relationship a lot together. And I love that about my partner, that we get to have that experience. So we were talking when I was in my third trimester last pregnancy. And I asked him, I was like, hey, like...
"Are you, like what's going on? "You're not really initiating anymore." I'm like, "Is your sex drive low?" 'Cause I went through low sex drive in first trimester, I totally get it. Like, "Is your sex drive low, "or is your drive to have sex with me low?" And he's like, "Oh, my drive to have sex with you is low. "My sex drive is the same." And I'm like, "Keep a straight face, "'cause be inviting for this discussion." - That's an honest partner you got. - It is a very honest partner that I have. - I mean, and that's, not to interrupt your story, but I guess I did, but that's such an interesting choice to make in a partner.
I like honesty, but it can sting. It can definitely sting. But it feels great when you hear a really great compliment. The right person, a strong person, takes the honesty. And it's going to be a better relationship. So that's good that you're the strong person who can do that. Yeah, because when I asked, I said, well, what are you doing? And he said, I masturbate, I watch porn. And I said, oh, well, like...
Why didn't you tell me that? Why didn't you communicate that with me? And he's like, it's kind of a private thing that I do. And so that was a tough conversation to have. So it's an open relationship, but when he can't have sex with you, he masturbates? This is a shitty open relationship. You know, this is actually, you know, it's a place of, I'll actually say this though too, because I'm pregnant again. In first trimester, I was so sick, I didn't want to have sex. And so I asked him, I was like, Jay, because on top of that, we have a baby. I was like, I beg you to get a fuck-butt.
because I don't even want the responsibility or the thought of the responsibility of that. But this is where societal conditioning comes into play so much as well, where he's like, I can't do that while you're pregnant because I would feel a way. I mean, the whole concept of fuck buddy, I find a little skeevy because not that it can't happen, but sex engenders feelings. It's like it's pretending that we can fuck without feelings, you know?
And there are only some people who can do that. They're called men. No. And many men can't.
Yes. I can't. Yes. You know, it engenders feelings. Yes. I mean, it's. So like a fuck buddy, it's like so easy. It's so funny the way, you know, women are always like, just go out. Like, it's so easy. Women think that every other woman is a giant slut. Like every other woman in the world is just giving it up so easy. And I just wanted to say to them, you're like, none of you are easy. Yeah.
None of you are easy. Well, no, people are easy in general. But obviously, you don't have experience being intimate with people with penises. So in your experience, and women are. No, that I don't have. But speaking of penises, I got to ask, you said you can have sex while you're pregnant. Yes. So I don't want to be indelicate, but like the baby's in there growing. And then this fucking dingus is like,
banging right up against where he's trying to get some sleep. You're being real generous to my man right now, and he would love you for it.
But, I mean, certainly the little thing in there, it's got to feel some, if there's some prick, dick, cock, schlong, schmuck, a penis, a pecker, a dipstick, a dingus, a Samson, a tool, something coming in, he's got to, like, feel some vibration or, like, some, you know, it's like in an apartment where you can feel people right on the other side of the wall. Right.
I can tell they're cooking brisket. This kid is going to know that the thing is trying to bang on the wall. Hey, keep it down in there, baby. That's what it's like. It's like the neighbor, but it's a dick. This is exactly why he did not
want to have sex with me in the third trimester. So you were voicing exactly what he pictured to me. And he also as well, because I'm so accustomed to the belly. So I would, we would be getting like, you know, kind of intimate in the shower. We're also not shower sex people, but we'll get like it started in the shower. So we're getting to pop it in the shower. And then I would be like, oh, the baby moved.
And then that would take him out. But for me, it's a fact of life. It's a part of my body. But for him, it became exactly how you just described. But no, there's no science to say that the baby's sleep is being disrupted or there's issues. They're going to have a hearing problem on one ear. Yeah. It's just there's nothing like that. If anything, it's beneficial. I just think if in case there is cognitive issues.
something going on when the baby is in the womb and i guess there is some to some degree i mean people fucking play mozart like in front of the pregnant belly because they think the baby is gonna i don't know being smarter smarter or something so there obviously is this idea that the baby has some some kind of mental powers going on in there i'm just saying maybe it would it
could disturb him. It's a disturbing thought that, you know, a giant ramrod is coming. Well, you're taking your adult brain and putting it onto this little tiny penis. Yeah, that's true. He doesn't know what it is. They don't know. They just know that there's feel-good hormones happening. Somebody in 3B. Keep it down! The blood flow is increasing.
Mom's happy. That's what they know. Right. Yeah. So when do you-- you certainly don't look pregnant yet, boy. August. I got some time, yeah. August? Mm. When was-- when's your birthday? My birthday is January.
Happy birthday. Does that, do you believe in? I do not, no. Oh, I don't either, great. Great, yeah, yeah. It's a firm, actually as I had a child, it became more of a dislike for me because people start to tell you about your kid that you just met two seconds ago, so. It's absolutely,
impossible, I find, to find anyone under 30 who does not believe in astrology. But I can't judge too much because when I was under 30, I did. Oh, did you? Well, I certainly did not believe it. I remember I met some people who were like very serious about it. Like, you know, they do charts for a living. And they did my official chart. You know, they're, oh, it's not just about your sun sign. We have to like find out what all the planets were at the very moment you were born. I remember telling them it was exactly at 1032 at night.
And they said, well, you're exactly on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius. And then, of course, it's suggestibility. You're like, oh, have you ever wanted something you couldn't have? Yes. Why, yes, I have. Or whatever, you could fit it in. Beware of problems this month. I do have problems. This month. Right.
I don't know. I appreciate it because it gives people the language to describe intimate parts of themselves, and we don't get that anywhere else. So I like meeting people who are into astrology because often they might have the language and the tools to say specific things about themselves. But...
I think that there's better tools out there. And yeah, so as somebody who's a non-believer, I had my chart read for the first time, which was the perfect non-believer experience I had. Because the person who read my chart was like, this isn't crazy. I've never even met somebody whose chart is so specific to their birthday. You were actually destined to be a sex educator, which I do feel that way about myself.
you are destined to be an intimacy educator. Your Venus was in Mercury and your salad was on dressing. Everything was working. And then I'm listening. I let my eyes scroll up to the top of the page and I was like, wrong birthday. And I was like, ah, perfect. It was perfect. Yeah. But not to knock it. Cause I think it's great. So, so what is a sex educator? What do you do all day? Well,
Well, I'm a public-facing sex educator. What happened? Public-facing. Public-facing. Which means I'm like Martha Stewart for sex, right? So I'm not in somebody's. There's a difference between a sex educator. It's a wonderful job. Do you remember Dr. Ruth? Of course. Are you two young? This is my literal bio is that I'm Dr. Ruth meets Rihanna. A hot, young Dr. Ruth. Yeah. What a great bio to write for yourself. Thank you. Because there's always a need for a Dr. Ruth. Yes. Yes.
There was also a Dr. Joyce Brothers. Do you know who that is? Google her. Get out your magic light box. Okay. Not right now. I don't have any pockets, so that would be not possible. But when you get home, Dr. Joyce Brothers. Joyce Brothers. Because she was a little before Dr. Ruth, but she was this, again, they always have these people with, you know, they're like perfectly clinical. That's what makes them allow, allow them to say things about sex. Especially back then.
was not what we were accustomed to see on TV. TV was very tame before. I mean, you couldn't say ass. I remember Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon trying to like, you know, work around the word ass. You couldn't say fart.
I said sucks, like the airport sucks in 1983, and it was like a scandal. And then he was saying it two days later. I broke the barrier on the word sucks. Oh, wow. Look at you, trendsetter. Yeah, exactly. I know. What a flex. Right? It's a flex. I said sucks on TV. But it's true. That's how tame it was. But, you know, when you had a doctor, doctor, you know, Dr. Joyce Brothers, and, you know, she could say, well, if the man's penis is in your mouth, it's like otherwise they'd like fucking lose their fucking.
Somebody said that, but they could get away with it. And Dr. Joyce Brothers was a little before Dr. Ruth, but it was the same bit. She was a little more broad. It wasn't just sex. Was she part of your, like, 11 p.m. bank TV? She was just on every show. Like, talk shows need fucking bodies. And you got to fill seats and, you know,
As I've known for 30 years now, booking shows, people, not everyone you want that week is available.
You can't subpoena people to come on your show. You don't get William Shatner all the time. They have to want to do it. Yes. I'm glad you want to do it. No, I mean, this was one of those things where I was like, I had to look at Google. I'm like, is Bill going down? Like, how am I getting booked on this? Like, that's me having not enough self-confidence. Isn't it fun to be here? It is incredible to be here. It's so different than my, I mean, I would never, ever, ever,
as long as they want me to leave my real show, because that's, to me, that's the real show.
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Go to SignalWire.com slash random. That's SignalWire.com slash random. Dr. Joyce Brothers, she was very like Dr. Ruth, except she was not foreign or German or four foot tall. Dr. Ruth, of all the people who'd be talking about sex, this midget German with the heavy accent, it was hysterical.
But Dr. Brothers was like very clinical. And one of her big things was, you know within seven seconds whether you want to have sex with someone. And even just to say that on TV then was pretty outrageous. But I used to think, it takes you seven? Seven?
It's one. You guys talked about that a lot. Yeah. But isn't it just... I mean, I think it's different for women. Yeah. But as far as like, you know, that I want to fuck you is different than I'm going to. Like, you know, sometimes you see somebody, oh, I'd like to fuck you, but I can see you're a psycho. And trouble and a million other things. And, you know, discretion is the best. That takes the seven. Better part of valor. Exactly. But I could see, you know, physically, you know, that...
I don't think it takes seven seconds. Well, I think, I mean, that's enough time to get... For a woman, it could take seven years. You need two instances of eye contact, right? And then maybe an opportunity to, like, take in something about that person's, you know, beyond their looks. So their demeanor, their swag. Especially a woman. Yeah. I mean, I always think the only way to have a good time is talk first, sex second,
Eat third. Can never eat before sex. Okay. Can't eat during sex. And you can never eat before sex. And you can never have sex without a good long talk first. And like now that I'm this age, I'm sort of like become more like a woman. I like that too. Do you identify with the term sapiosexual?
No, because that's someone who can only have sex with someone who is intellectual. Well, it's something that you feel like you had a William Shatner conversation with, that you're like, I feel turned on here. No, that's not necessary. But to actually have a long, in-depth conversation with someone who may not have my life experiences or be quite my age,
You can still feel like you just have to get to a place where you feel like, oh, there is a mental connection going on. That's when the pants come off. Before that, it doesn't matter how physically attractive a person is on either side. I don't think it works.
It's the only way it works. That took time of testing out many physically attractive people. You're like, oh, I couldn't talk to them. Of course. I mean, I didn't understand that even when I was 50, I don't think. Because you became famous in your 30s, did you go through your whole phase late? Or did you go through it in your early 20s in college? I do everything late because I'm a Capricorn. Okay.
I do everything late. Everything comes to me late. Like, I was super shy and, like, terrible. Just to talk to a girl was difficult when I was younger. And, I mean, you would never guess I would have gone into show business, let alone be, like, sitting here with you, just kicking it and, you know...
So, like, I don't know, just relaxed. That certainly would not characterize me as a child or an adolescent. I was ostracized by the other kids a lot. I always had a knot in my stomach going to school. I couldn't make friends easily. Even though you were funny since 10? Yeah, but, like, funny, you have to, like, you have to know me first kind of funny, you know? I mean...
I had friends growing up, but like maybe one or two at a time at most. I remember the first two years of college, I really didn't have friends. I had one guy who lived in a dorm. He's still a friend of mine, but I didn't see him that much. He had dorm life. I'm not dorm, I'm sorry, frat. I was in a dorm.
And I wasn't a frat kind of guy. I mean, I would sometimes, he'd say, I would call him up, can I come over on the weekend? You know, just to do something. I used to dread the weekend because at least during the week I had a reason not to be popular. I was working on schoolwork during the weekend, you know, and this is college when you should be like having the best time. Your whole face. Yeah, so like I...
Made up for my bad adolescence ever since, really. I mean, I always say, I went to Freaknik 93 and I stayed until 2007. And during that time, did you learn that sex without mental compatibility to some degree is just not meaningful? Again, it took forever.
I mean, when it, there was many times when it, not many times actually, a few times when it happened. When I was with someone who I should have been with and who I was in love with. And, you know, when it was a real relationship. And then, yes, I did experience that. Well, this is why you don't get down with fuck buddies.
See, I'm not like that. I actually feel the opposite, that when I have a fuck buddy, I mean, I'm very scientific about it, but a big thing is I don't want to have an intimate conversation with you. I don't want to get to know you aside from how can we have a pleasurable experience together. Wow. And I think what turns me on from people. Yeah, that is different from me.
Yeah, I'm not really turned on through conversation. I love it. And I think that's a different type of intimacy that I really do enjoy. And I'm glad I'm with a romantic partner who doesn't stifle that part of myself either because I love going out for dinner with dudes who I think are just super dope and super cool. I just want to talk and get to know. But the dude that I might just want to have sex with is just the one who just says that nasty shit, that there's something about it that just sparks this carnal response. I mean, one leads into the other. I mean, having that...
Again, to have a woman feel intimate with her and her feeling mentally, you know, like we just found out a lot about each other and, you know, we expressed some things like, what's going on with you? I care about you at least this much, you know. Did you mean that? No, I'm just taking general. Okay, sorry. I didn't want to misread things. Stop fantasizing about me. But to do that, then that is what, you know,
makes the panties wet. Your panties. Well, in theory, this is like what is your turn on trigger. That's the thing that would get you. No, I'm saying it makes a woman's panties. I don't wear panties. What are you talking about? I'm not sure if you do or don't, but I'm saying what gets you turned on. You do not. No, but it also does turn me on and
I mean, her being turned on turns me on. Somebody posed this question to me I want to ask you. Because we were talking about... What's more of a turn on than a pussy that's wet? You know, because it's like, oh, you do like me.
But I guess in your position, it's got to be more than that. And this is proof. You know, in basketball, they say, ball don't lie. Yeah. Pussy don't lie. Like, you could say you don't like me, but come on. I can feel it. I mean, that's, you know, come on. You can't, nothing, you know, that would turn me on. Like, you can't lie. You lie.
From a gynecological perspective, they could have an infection. An infection? Could be. I'm saying there's various reasons why there could be excessive moisture. I'm just saying that that's one. It's probably not that. Okay, it's probably not that. It's probably not an infection. Thanks for putting that in my head. Okay, well, I'm just saying that there's not the only indicator that somebody is into you. But it is a good one. So I want to ask you this because... Great to have you.
We were having a discussion just because there's, you're in the podcast realm now. So there is this
This sector of male podcasters who are voice or talking aloud, maybe for the first time. And men don't traditionally talk about sex and relationships, but now they have these podcasts where they're doing so. And then as a result, they're saying a lot of unpopular things. So there's a lot of talk around body count. What? You know, body count. What's body count? How many bodies a woman has had, how many sexual partners. That's great that you don't know that. It's a huge thing. Wait, that's a word now? Body count? Body count, yeah. And it means...
How many sexual partners you have? Yes. Meaning it's good or bad? It's a bad thing if you're a woman to have a high body count. That's as it always has been. It always has been women were judged bad with a high count and men, oh, I got a bunch of them. You know, that's, you know, Wilt Chamberlain, 20,000 and, you know, that's...
So nothing's different. Now, okay, so you gave it a name, body cam. That's part of the problem, though, that nothing is different. That we have this sexual liberation movement happening for women, and then many men just have... Because our biology doesn't change. No, your brains can change. We have plasticity. Not from the beginning of... You could fix it. You could work on it. I'm sorry, not from the beginning of time. Women's brains are not that different. They do not... Like, Tinder is not what they want. They do not want to just hook up mostly. Yes. They are...
Look at any fucking dating show or TV show. It's still the same shit. They could have been on in the 50s. With all the same culture, though. So we can't differentiate between... Is that a socialization? Women want a man...
I want a man, and they don't want other chicks like taking their man or looking at their man or their man leaving them. They want a man in it to be their fucking man. Okay, so here's something I'm trying to ask you. Okay, that's most women. But that's most westernized women who have been raised by their mother and their grandmother and their great-grandmother to believe that this is what it is. That's not western. That's just— But no, there are different cultures where women are more sexual, women are more dominant, where they—
Yes. Where women are not jealous and want one man and basically want to nest with one man and don't want other bitches like... Of course there are other cultures. Where are these cultures? We know different religions where you're allowed to have multiple partners. You're not allowed because the men...
run the religion and they made that a law. The women didn't want it. You think the women want to wear the burqas and be in a harem? You think the Mormon women want to wear pioneer outfits and be with all the other women who have to service the old fuck who's the head of the cult? There is Yoni Poojas where you've got cultures that worship the vagina. There's Yoni Poojas. What's Yoni? I know that's a Hindu word. Yes, for vagina. Where are these many people?
Isn't this an Eastern practice? Okay. I would say it's a niche practice. Okay. But here's the question that was posed that I would like to ask you. So somebody said to me, if there are 100 men that you are physically attracted to, how many of those would you have sex with? Great question. It's a great question. For a woman. Right.
And then I have to really think about that because no matter what number you gave me, I'd pick one. I'm going to do a bit for you. I always call it on myself when I do a bit, but it's too apropos not to do. Okay. And here's the bit. I've never known a woman who didn't have some version of the story where she met a guy, was introduced to a guy...
Tinder or whatever social media and thought, oh, he's cute, doesn't look like a psycho, was very hopeful something would happen. And then they all have some version of, and then he opened his mouth and I lost interest. Every woman has that story and no man. Exactly. But you do. What are you talking about? No, but- We just had the discussion that you do have that experience. Yes, but it came late in life. Okay. Okay.
Once you deprogram yourself from socialization and decided not what you're told to like but what you actually like that gets you to that authentic bomb sex that causes you to black out and forget what you said. I mean, it can be, I mean, bomb sex. I think I'm going to put that on my license plate.
Yeah, it has to be a version of what we're doing now or what I just did with William Shatner. Can I ask you that question in reverse? A version of that. It is a connection that is going on between minds that then can move to a different space if it's appropriate. Now, it is with Bill, not with you.
Is it because I'm pregnant? You don't want to knock on-- Quite frankly, yes. OK. All right. Fair enough. I don't want to be that guy, hey, keep it down in there, baby. Is your sex drive low or is your drive to have sex with me low? It's neither.
This is awkward, Mrs. Robinson. Okay, sorry. Let me ask this question. Get back to your point. If there's a hundred women. Yes, a hundred men. But for you. And as soon as, my point of doing that bit was, to your point, as soon as, yes, a hundred men you find all attractive, most women, like 92 of them would open their mouth and they'd be like, oh, fucking, I can't deal with this.
My mother was the biggest fan of Robert Goulet. You don't know who he is, but he was this gorgeous French-Canadian singer, big star, 60s, 70s. And then he started to go on talk shows. And she was like, I'm over Robert Goulet because he opened his mouth. And I love him, but he wasn't good on talk shows.
Anyway, that's it. But men, no. You put 100 hot women and they will find a way to get around the fact. But again, this is what I was. And that's why I feel like it's so good to stay single your whole life, at least in my life, because I wouldn't have gotten to that point if I had gotten married when I was 35. I would have never evolved to that because I would have been arrested into that
thing with you know there were a great compensating reasons why that might be good for someone but I would never have gotten to this point and I'm really glad I did get to this point because I feel like much more of a complete person I literally I've told you I feel like more like a woman that's actually a beautiful place that's a really beautiful statement
Do you think that your mom, if given the opportunity to have oral sex performed on her from Robert Goulet, and that was it, do you think she would turn that down even though he wasn't intellectually stimulating? That is such a great question. My father took her to see Robert Goulet, what a great guy my father was, knowing that she had like what we would call now a screen crush.
At the Waldorf, I think, somewhere where he sang. It was an intimate setting. I mean, it was a crowd. And she sat in the front row. And, you know, he was this matinee idol like Tom Jones. They used to throw the underwear at him. And he kissed her, like on the cheek. This is something he did in the act. It's a big deal. She got pigged?
She was pulling him. Well, she was in the front row. He kissed the ladies in the front row on the cheek. It was just a thing. And we never let her live it down. And she dined out on that for years. But then I do remember that when she was like, he became a bigger star and was on the talk show circuit. And I knew him in later years. I purposely befriended him so that, I mean, I was a fan too, but so that my mother could meet him.
And I remember for her 75th birthday, I think it was, I flew her to Las Vegas before I could really afford it on a private jet. And we went to Robert Goulet's house. Wow. Yeah. And then? Well, this is why you shouldn't meet your idols. I think, I mean, he was a lovely guy, but I think he still wanted to be adored by not the women my mother's age.
You know, he didn't want, in his mind, he was still Robert Goulet. Viva Las Vegas. So, you know, it was like, okay, I get it that the women who have aged with me love me in that way. But I want the 26-year-old over there. Was he giving her that feeling when she was there? I just think he, no, it wasn't like aimed at her. But it was just like, yeah, there was some part of that. He wasn't giving her kiss in the cheek energy.
That's not nice. No, he was very nice. He was a great guy. But he just, you know, it's hard to be like a matinee idol and then be like, now you're just an older guy who women are not like fawning over. He didn't want when like an older woman fawned over him, he wanted them, he wanted it to be a 26 year old again. He didn't want the older ladies coming up to him like,
I love you. I was like, yeah, do you have a daughter? You know, so it wasn't, uh, you know, not that my mother was, I mean, he was married and you know, the wife, his wife was such a wonderful woman. I still keep in touch when I can. And, uh, but you know, I mean, that's why they always say it's dangerous sometimes to meet your idols because like, um,
they can disappoint you and not be the, you know, or that you can meet them and they can surpass your expectations. So this goes to the point then, because your mom said previously that he wasn't intellectually stimulating enough, but she still went to this house looking for kiss on the cheek energy. You're right. Well, to be honest, I was the one who put it, she wouldn't have asked me. I set it up. You may have a point though. I mean, I don't know because I can't see in my mother's mind, but...
I mean, yes, I think when a woman has that warm feeling in her loins... The moistness. Do women have loins? I hope so. Yes, I think it never goes away to a certain degree. And, I mean, she was a widow at this point, you know, so it wasn't like she was... Game on. Game on, exactly. Bring on Goulet. If ever I would leave you... That was his big song. He was in the show Camelot.
I knew Viva Las Vegas, if that's one of the songs. That's Elvis. Okay, well, I do know that. But he was, do you know the show Camelot? Have you heard of it? I've heard of it. Okay, they called the Kennedy administration Camelot because it was a show on at the same time and it was about this sort of mythical, magical kingdom. And people who loved Kennedy used that as a metaphor. But really, it's King Arthur.
And Camelot is a story, they made a movie of it with Richard Gere and Sean Connery called First Night. And I'm sure you know the characters, like King Arthur, he's the fucking king. But in the play, in the musical that Robert Goulet was in, you know, he's older now. He's the king, to the point about Robert Goulet's age. Mm-hmm.
So, and the plot of the thing is that his wife, his younger wife, Guinevere, falls in love with the handsome, younger Sir Lancelot. Whenever he passed her, the front of his pants would advance a lot. That's a limerick that I could not resist. It's a limerick. Somebody made that rhyme, and they deserve credit. The front of his pants would advance a lot. Come on, that's pretty fucking good. Anyway, so...
So that's the plot of the thing, is that older man, wife, and then she falls in love with his good friend, but much younger. And Robert Goulet made his mark on Broadway in 1960 playing the young Lancelot. And then later in life, he toured as the king. Wow. Because now he was older. You see what I'm saying? So he was still getting young pussy? What are you talking about? But he didn't want to play the king. Oh, he wanted to play Lancelot. Lancelot.
See, whereas in my life, it's the exact opposite. I was never suited to be Lancelot. I'm perfect as the king. I never was a boyfriend, partly because of what we were talking about. You know, just understanding things that I didn't understand when I was younger. Are you having your best sex ever now? Let's... Mom, I can't get too personal. What do you mean? That's a pretty basic question. Within the past...
10 years. 10 years. Here, let's go through the timeline. 20s was a time of oppression, not being cool enough to be invited anywhere. We didn't finish the story. On the weekends, you had one friend you'd go to just to have somewhere to be. Oh, so bad. And then it got better when you turned. Oh, well, any time after that, any time having no friends.
I mean, my first two years of college, no real friends except for that one guy, but I didn't see him a lot. And certainly no girls. I mean, I'm talking about overlaid, I think, the first two years. Because, like, first of all, I was a furious masturbator, you know. I would rather masturbate and plot how to get women than, you know, lower my standards and...
And I certainly lived up to that credo and, you know, masturbated a lot and plotted a lot. And, you know, that was kind of my M.O. But.
No, I mean it was, then I moved to New York to start my career in comedy. That was almost just as bad because New York, you know how you vibe with certain cities? Yes, yes. You do? I do know. I had this conversation earlier today. Like what cities do you vibe with? This city, L.A. Really? Yes. And you live here? I live here and I love it. And I don't like New York. I always, I moved, I lived in New York twice.
I grew up right outside of it. Everything in my life as a child was the New York orbit. My father worked in the city, drove into Manhattan every day. New York television. I still root for the New York sports teams. New York is always going to be in my blood, and there's a lot of love I have for it and many of the people there. But as soon as I moved out here, LA like sucked my dick on the first date. And you like that, apparently. This is a good thing. Metaphorically, yes.
It had a great conversation with you, and then it sucked your dick. Then you were like, I will live here. No, that was way before I cared about a conversation. Okay. But it did. I mean, you just vibe with certain cities. I didn't vibe with New York, especially with the women. I always said they played playoff basketball.
You know, like playoff defense. Like you go into the lane and they are going to slap that shit out of there. I mean, there are no layups with New York women, at least when I lived there, twice. Once when I was younger and poorer, not doing that well. Once when I was in my 30s and was starting politically incorrect and was doing much better.
It was horrible both times. I mean, New York women I just found to be like, I moved out here and they're like the women, you know, they just didn't give you a hard time. I mean, you don't have to be easy, but just...
Women in New York, I don't know, like they were just like maybe it was just again, it's the whether you vibe. I know guys who love New York, but you had to be like more aggressive. I think there's a certain cycle that goes on in New York that the guys are so aggressive, like on the street that the women have to like shut down.
just to survive because the guys are like hey how you doing hey hey give me a smile hey where you going hey i'm just what do you mean i'm blocking this hey just hey what oh you got a boyfriend why you can't have any friends i'll just be a friend you know like they're just and i can't do that that's just very good just now you brought it out in me
But you know what, I'm sure guys have done that to you. Yes. I know New York is a great place to go for an ego boost. Doesn't matter how you look or how you feel, you're going to get that energy. But maybe then as a result of that, it caused the adverse effect in women. This beautiful African-American woman I knew once told me, she said, you know, white guys, they approach me and they're like, you know, and I don't want to have to do with them. And I say, I have a boyfriend and they go away.
Black guys, they go, well, you can't have any friends. It's facts. And I always wished I could be that guy. Yeah. You know, who had that. And I'm not. And I can't.
So you're best suited to be the king. I'm the king. You're best suited to be the king. I was not good as Lance a lot. That's Robert Goulet. Yeah. I'm the king. Yeah. And happy to be. Okay. So then let me ask two questions quickly then. Because you were a fierce masturbator, I'm trying to make a link. Does that mean now do you enjoy hand jobs or because you perfected it on your own, it's very difficult for somebody to come in and do a great job with you? B. B.
I think it's always interesting to ask. And then question number two I have then is then when did your sex life start? And then when did it start to get as good as it is now? It's funny. I remember the first time I felt like with sex, oh, I got it.
You know? Just like anything else, sex is a 10,000 hour thing. Maybe it's not 10,000 hours, but it certainly doesn't come naturally. I'm sure it's 10,000 hours. That sounds accurate. Well, it's not, you know, I don't think it took me 10,000 hours. In fact, I know it didn't, but like... You were a fierce masturbator. That counts too. Those are hours you put in. No, but that's not sex.
You don't think so? No. Well, I mean, it's a variety of sex, but, you know, no, I wouldn't... I'd put it broadly. It's more like actual sex than Dancing with the Stars, but, I mean, it's not, you know, it's not sex. I mean, there's two fairly different things. Now, can they feed each other? Absolutely. Can they, you know, or hinder each other? I mean, one of the things you have to do as you get older is, like...
Don't masturbate near any time you're having sex because you want to store up more chi. You know what I'm saying? As when you're younger, you masturbate before to get off so that you don't come too quickly with your partner. Right, exactly. You understand everything, doctor. I'm just listening. It's so great to talk to you. You understand me. Thank you.
Well, I'm sure I was going somewhere with that story, but I can't remember where it was. Well, no, you were. You said the first time that you felt like you got sex. Right. I was 24. 24. Oh, you peaked real early. Peaked? Well, 24 to first get. I feel like I first got sex the first time, too. No, I had sex when I was 16. But I feel like the first. And so now we're talking about eight years later is the first time I felt like, oh, I
Now I know how to do it. That's what I'm talking about. What was different? You know, I don't know if I could put it into words. It's just like I was saying, with anything else that's a skill, partly a skill and partly accumulating experience and doing it enough times that's complicated, you just feel like part of it is like learning how to hold back, you know, so you don't come back.
Too soon, right? And things like that. I don't know. I just felt like that that night, the first time I felt like, oh, okay, now I'm driving the boat here. Now I can dominate. Not in a bad way, dominate. Just as me, Tarzan, you, Jane. That's the basic nature of it. I mean, look, anybody can have any kind of permutation. Yes. And they do. But that's the basic default setting I have found.
That's what they want. They don't want some fucking pussy passing out weak shit. And that's what you... You naturally attract partners who want, in the power play dynamic, you would attract people who would want the king. But isn't it... So... The king. If you had a different demeanor, you would attract the opposite, so... Yeah, you're probably right. I'm sure you're right, because you're the man. Wait, I'm the man. You're the doctor.
All right. I'm going to say goodbye to you. Okay, well, let me ask you something I don't get to ask. A hundred attractive women in front of you, how many do you have sex with? I would have to talk to all of them. And then I bet I'm like the woman. Like I said, I've become more like a woman. It would be a very few number. It could be none. Because if I don't want to also have lunch with you,
You know, that's the acid test. Would I have lunch with this person? That is certainly something I never cared about or asked myself when I was 30. You know, it was never entered my mind. Would I actually want to have lunch with this person if I didn't want to fuck them? Lunch.
Oh, they'll be gone by breakfast. What are we worrying about lunch for? That was wonderful. Thank you. That was a joy. Such a joy. I love babies. Do you? No. I've never touched a baby. The story you told about your mom is exactly why I had kids. Because I want them to take me to my Robert Goulet's house one day. No, no.