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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. How many trees do you have? 5,000. How many people does it take to tend to 5,000 trees? Well, see, that's the problem. You want to always pick a fight. Because they tried to destroy me, Bill. You talking about the network? Yeah. Hey, look at you. Look at you.
You look like a southern belle. I do. I live in Texas. I thought you lived in Hawaii. I do. I live in both. Excuse me. One blue, one red. Right. One foot in each, bitches. I see you're all warmed up. I am. I'm ready for you, but you ain't ready for me. That has always been true.
Well, I mean, I love you. I love you, too, because because you did we start? Yeah, we're on the air.
Well, I would hardly call it the air. Whatever. We're broadcasting. You don't know that. It doesn't matter. I don't know. The point of this show is that it is exactly the conversation that we would have if we weren't on the air. And it will be. But we are. And that's one of the greatest things about you is that unlike most people in this world. Oh, your dirty hands. Did you wash your dirty hands before you stick them in the ice? Because I have a thing about germs. You know what? You want me to get a whole bunch of new ice?
If you say you washed your hands after you peed, I'm going to accept your apology. All right.
Also, I have the ice specially treated with a chemical that kills my pee. I bet you did at Monsanto. That kills my pee. Should I do that? I bet you did. You're all pro-chemical and pro-Monsanto and all that crazy shit. I'm so not. You know that. Are you shitting me? The shit you say drives me berserk. Okay. You can attack me on many things. No, I'm not.
I'm not going to attack you. I'm just conversing. I know, but I want to... No, no, no. Give me your hand. But I need to straighten you out on something. No, straighten me. Yes, because... Bitch, you don't even know. No, you want to straighten me out. I'm 70. If I wanted... No, put your hand down right there. Do it. No. Put your hand there. Why? What are you going to do? Slap me? I'm going to cover it with mine, and I'm going to tell you that I love you. Wow. What a 180 that was. I love...
I love you and I don't want to hurt you. Leave your fucking hand there. I washed mine. Oh, that's right. Listen, I love you and I want to bring everybody together to see they're getting screwed and robbed. Okay? Now, are we on the same page with that? Yeah. Okay, now let's talk. All right.
I have a lot of videotape that if I wanted to go into the archives, I could send you where I pretty much alone in media was questioning the pharmaceutical industry and people like Monsanto. I was early part of the century with the show. Yeah. So I'm not the guy to hit that. You're for Monsanto. I was the vaccine shit. And I've been way out on the limb on that one, too. You were wrong.
I don't know which, what, I don't know what your stance on vaccines is, so why don't you tell me yours and I'll tell you mine and we'll see who's wrong. They're trying to fucking kill us. They're trying to? Yeah, that's why they're giving us the vaccines. I don't think they're trying. Well, they are killing us. Uh,
Well, it's much more complicated. They hate us. Who hates us? The pharmaceutical industry? No, actually. The fucking crazy-ass psychopath billionaires. They hate the regular people. Okay, Bernie.
But you're not one of the regular people. Look at you. You're a Southern belle. You're like in a Tennessee Williams play, and you're the... I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. Right. Look, you could play that today. I kind of am. You could still be Blanche DuBois. I love that character.
I'm sure. What a writer. You know that nobody under like 50 knows who Tennessee Williams is. I know it's sad, huh? It is very sad. What about our age? It's so horrible because... So horrible. The references, nobody gets the... I told my daughter when I was talking about Lenny Bruce and she goes, I swear to God, and I have to recreate it. Wait, who's that? How old is she?
34. 34. Well, I must say, Lenny Bruce was even before my time. What? Really? Yeah. Oh, definitely. How old are you? 67. You're only three years younger than me. Lenny Bruce died, I think, in 1969. But I don't, I think he, it could have been 66, something like that. I think it was 69. Okay, but I don't think he had been working. He had been. No, he hadn't been working. Okay, so like. He was not somebody as a kid I would see on Ed Sullivan.
No. Or Merv Griffin or something. So he was just this, but because I was a kid interested in comedy, I knew he was a comedy god. And Lenny Bruce, they talked about him like that, other comics. But when I actually went to listen, it reminded me that comedy does not really exist.
Passed through the ages very well. Oh, it does, though. I disagree. Some of it. Okay, Lenny Bruce. Okay, getting real real. Let's have another swig so we can relax. I'm all for that, sister. That's not like my Uncle Frank. Do my Big Daddy impression. Okay. Okay, she says yes. Let's see it.
So how is, so what, now you live in what part of Texas? I live in the outside of, what's it called? Houston. What's that fucking town? Austin. Austin. About an hour out of there in the hills. My God, I was just there. How much do you love it there?
Percentage-wise, I do like Austin. I do. Everybody likes Austin. Did you go to Joe's club? No, I didn't. I did his podcast, but then I had to do a show that night, and I had to go to Dallas the next day, so...
You know me. He should have went to the club. Well. They got Mitzi's room in there. He made a whole bar for Mitzi's room. He's got Mitzi's room. The bar is called Mitzi's room. Oh. And there's a picture of Mitzi with a table. It's like Mitzi's spirit lives on there. And it's like everyone is trying new shit. Real offensive out there shit. Really? Yeah, good. And I love.
Love it. And the audience is like eating it up, even though they're blue. They're blue voters. But they have open minds. And I'm saying my worst Democrat jokes and they're loving it. That's one reason I love places that are cities in red states, because.
You get a mix of both things. And the country, I think, does need both things. Absolutely. So, you know, yeah, you go to Charlotte or someplace like that, and it's like, yeah, you're in North Carolina, but it's a very blue city. But it's not so blue that they got to stick up their ass. You know what I mean? I think one thing we both don't like is people with a stick up their ass. Okay. It's like blue mixed with red, commie, equals purple.
You know what I'm saying, Bill, with the hair and the whole thing? It's beyond blue. It's the next step towards Stalinist. Wait, what is, what are we talking about? Well, I have to get my cigs. Where's my fucking cigarettes? Did I forget my cigarettes?
I have to go get my cigarettes. Yeah. Okay, they're over there. I'll be right back. Yeah. We have cameras that will follow you all over the room. Oh, good. I'm going to take a leak, too. A leak? No, I'm kidding. Oh.
I mean, if you have to. So you're moving pretty good for 70. Yeah, because I went to Joe Rogan's doctor and they hyped me up on all this testosterone. No. And it's changed my life. Are you serious? For real. Are you fucking with me? No, I ain't. Because I know Joe is a big proponent. I know. Of that. We had that discussion once on his show. And I'm of the school that...
I wouldn't do it because if you do have cancer cells in your body, it can accelerate their growth. And we all do have some cancer cells. You know, we all have something, everything bad. For cancer. Yeah. She says it. She likes to take it right. Yes. Don't underscore my jokes. You're right.
You're right. But you got it at least. Half of my life, nobody gets what I'm saying, if it's a joke or serious or what. Really? Your boyfriend doesn't get you? Of course. How could you be with him for that long if he didn't love every joke you make? I mean, he's got to be- He gets 70%. I guess that's all you can expect from a man. It's the most I've ever had from any guy. 70%? Yeah. Yeah.
But my sons... I'll take 70. Look, my sons, though, they get 90. 90? Yeah, they get my shit 90%. You know who else gets my shit 90%? He even gets it 98%. Who? Tony Hinchcliffe, that fucker. Who? The comedy assassin, I call him. Tony Hinchcliffe? Don't know him. That does that podcast, Kill Tony.
Oh, I don't know. It's so fun, Bill. You've got to watch that. I will. He brings on new comics, which is why I like it, because it's Mitzi-like, you know. These people come up and they audition for one minute. They got their first, you know, like we used to do for five. And so, and then we get to judge them. Ha!
You know, and he roasts them like they put them on a spittle, and he just likes to see the fat drip off them, you know? But then I don't want to do that because I'm so rich and glamorous and famous. It wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be right. No, it's true. So I just try to encourage them and, you know, say what I think they could correct because that's more motherly, right? So...
But it's a fucking blast and you should be on there as a judge. Well, now that I got the... It's the number one podcast behind Rogan. Well, I mean, I'm glad you're edifying me on all this. I know you've got to get hipper, Bill. Thank you. Our whole generation is all fucked up and crazy and lazy.
Which one? Ours or their? Yeah, ours. We're all fucking mentally deranged. We're not nearly as mentally deranged or as lazy as the kids. That's true. OK, I'm glad we agree on that. That's a great way. They're deranged.
They're fucking beyond deranged. Well... They don't take care of their kids, and that pisses me off. We're two generations into the rot, really, in society, because they just... It's not the kids' fault. They were just raised wrong. Everybody raises their kids a little wronger. And then you get to this, where there's like... Talk about... There's just no boundaries. No.
No. It's all fucking bitterness and recrimination. There's no fucking forgiveness no matter how much money you give the bastards. That's what I found.
With kids, your kids? Yeah. They never will forgive me, ever, no matter where I buy them. For what? My fucking house, they don't forgive me. Forgive you for what? For the fucking years of fame that I put them through. That's what they say. Really? Yeah. They're all lebtards. My daughters are all lebtards, but thank God I have two sons that are patriots of this country.
I remember when you were a socialist. I still am. That's what's so funny. I love it. You're like a socialist Nazi. It's an interesting... I'm not a Nazi. I'm kidding. Remember when me and you got in that fist fight at the Playboy Mansion? Fist fight?
Fish fight at the Playboy Mansion. You'd think I would remember a thing like that. Right by the aviary there? The aviary. Yeah, the zoo in the back? Yeah, when we were both drunk and all fucked up. You called me something and I called you something. You remember that? I don't, but I'm not denying it. In fact, I love that it happened. Yeah. I love that I got into a fish fight with Roseanne. I socked you right in the jaw.
You hit me back. No, I didn't. I always hit men first. I didn't hit you back. Yeah, you did. Right in the shoulder. No wonder I don't remember this. No shit. You blocked it out, MKUltra. Who's that?
That's the mind control program you're under, Bill. MKUltra? Yeah, MKUltra Mind Control. Are you kidding me now, or do you really think I'm under a mind control program? I do. Is there a conspiracy theory you don't believe? No, I tell you, I tell the truth. Everything I say, people like you is always laughing at me, and then it comes true, and you never go, I'm sorry I made fun of you, Roseanne, you was right. How come you never say that, Bill?
Because names... I'm always right. You're not always right. I am so. You have...
I mean, I don't know. By your own admission, remember... You're going to say I'm mentally ill, which I say I am. Well, then why are we having this discussion? Because you have to listen to the mentally ill. As the Zohar says... Well, that's a circular argument. As the Zohar says, in these days... Zohar. The Zohar, the holy Jewish... Who's that? The holy Jewish... Is that the thing in Big where he makes... Yeah. Yeah.
But in reality... Really? You believe in that? Of course. I've read it. You should read it. The thing in the movie Big? Sort of. But they make it a cult and they put it in their movies. Because they're Satan worshippers. They don't are a cult. No, they're Satan worshippers from Babylon. They're the reptiles. Long Island?
No, they're the reptile people, Bill. Oh, the lizard people. Yeah, the reptiles. Yes, I know that QAnon especially believes that there are a lot of the world's elite people
Queen Elizabeth was a lizard person. George Bush, George W. Bush was a... There are people who are, you know, they normally, when we see them, they're out there in a suit and tie and they're speaking... No, it's not that. But they're actually lizards. They're actually... Well... And once in a while you catch them in a blurry photograph of someone and you just, you know, the...
I don't believe all that. Oh, no. But I believe that something affects you after thousands of years of inbreeding. Well, I don't think you could endure thousands of years. Well, you know how they used to make a king in...
The old world, you know, the world of pharaohs. Egypt. Yeah, Egypt and before Egypt. It used to come from a brother and a sister mating. What did? How you make a royal prince or a king. Yes, the pharaohs were victims of inbreeding. That is true. Yeah, right? Right. So it went on for hundreds of centuries. Right, right.
So that DNA thing is different from other humans except the Jews, which also inbreed. No, I'm kidding. And so do people in Kentucky. That was my joke. But no, the pharaohs and that line, they're really super inbred with their DNA. Yes, they were. Right. That's true. And it, of course, drives you mad.
and makes you have a shittier immune system. Yeah. You're susceptible. And psychopathology, I think. Yes, right. Because they think they can decide how many millions of people will die next year and the stocks will go up. That's why I think people are...
attracted to people who don't look like them. I know that's true in my case. You know, I mean, I'm Irish, fair skinned. That's like the one type I don't like. I'm like, yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? And I think that's because my DNA is saying, you know, mate with this one because it's less likely the kids will come out like you. Yeah.
You still got it. You still got it. I'm loving that I still got it. You still got it. Totally. And I'm going on stage there at Joe's. It's so fun. I love it. You got a lot of nutty ideas, but you're not nuts. I know that sounds like a distinction without a difference, but I swear to God, it's meaningful. I find it very ironic that you raise nuts.
Yeah, in Hawaii, macadamia nuts are the perfect protein for the world. Of all the things to pick. Because it's the perfect protein for the world. Why nuts? Because it could solve world hunger in 10 minutes. You know, I think deeply about these things, Bill. They're not a joke to me. What is it about nuts that spoke to you when you were thinking about raising them? Okay, I'm telling you, fool, listen up.
Listen up here. Because of the macadamia, I bought my farm sight unseen because it was a farm that had
several thousand macadamia nut trees. And I was intrigued once I read that, well, because my son's kind of... It all goes back to my son having severe learning disabilities and they had a school in Hawaii. So I sent him there and so I bought a farm so I could be by my son. That's where it comes from. Okay, so I thought, well, I'm going to do something useful to the world. So...
macadamia nuts, I researched them, so it was perfect protein for the human. And it's so easy to grow and it is rich in all the right fats for brain, you know, to develop your brain and to fuel your body and like, you know, all the good stuff, all the good fats, all the good proteins and very low in carbohydrates, high in energy and
You know, I just got intrigued by, man, this could feed the world. I got really altruistic over it. How many trees do you have? 5,000. 5,000? Mm-hmm. And how many people does it take to tend to 5,000 trees? Well, see, that's the problem.
It's just you? Yeah. Me and like 4,000 wild pigs that I have to like, you know, I have to shoot them because they're attacking me. So I had to become a huntress.
Wait, 4,000? You're joking. No, I'm not joking. What do you mean by 4,000 pigs? Well, because it's overrun by wild pigs because of the nut trees, because I can't harvest them because they're so labor intensive. You can't keep animals out with a fence? I've got a fence. It goes under the ground. The pigs are so smart. You know, I call them the uniparty, the repiglicans.
That's what they are. They'll go, if you think you're going to keep them out with a fence, electric fence that goes under the earth, you're not. They want what you have. Okay, but...
Boy, it's like they're pigs. Yeah. But what? So they tunnel under the fence? Oh, they'll do anything. I saw this one bitch. But specifically. She knew she couldn't get through. They're so fucking smart. Okay, but you say it's. No, wait, let me tell you. They're so fucking. It's either under or over. They're smarter than humans. Listen. Okay, it's either. They're smarter than humans. I've seen this one big old pig bitch. She couldn't get into what I have. She's got 9,000.
fucking acres around her but she's got to come where i am where she ain't wanted because she's a repig looking a sow right yeah so she puts her little tiny baby through the hole in my fence she squishes him through pushes him through so like an anchor baby kind of like that and i see them pushing their babies to the fence and i am overrun by wild pigs and you said there's 4 000
There's so many fucking hundreds of them. Every time I come home and go up my driveway, there's more of them and they're looking at me too. First they used to scatter, but now they stand there going, what are you looking at? But who counted them? Me. I got obsessed with compulsive. I want to know how you actually count 4,000 wild pigs in a forest by yourself. That seems like you probably didn't do that.
I'm estimating. Yeah, it was like a perfect Jack Benny. I'm estimating. How great was that guy?
Also before my time, but... Oh, my time, too, but I did get to see him on TV. But that's the thing. When you're an aspiring comic as a kid, you want to be a student of the past ones, too. Okay, let's get to the real deal. Let's cut to the chase here, because this is what I really was... Cosby. I think he did it. Oh, no, no. I was wanting to talk about him. Cosby. Okay, let's talk about him. But, okay, wait. I don't...
I don't even know about taking that off the table. They did. Taking all that shit off the table. Yeah.
They did violate his civil rights because he signed that paper saying, I will only testify to the truth if I am not prosecuted. That's why he got out of... And they agreed. That's why, yes. That's why they overturned the ship because they tried... They came back on him after they agreed they was never going to come. So they violated him. Okay. But what they did is they fucked up the procedurals. Right. And that counts. That's our system. And he did serve three years. Yeah. By the strict...
Rule of the law he shouldn't have served any time because you're right. That's right that but so they know Can we call it poetic justice because he certainly deserved to serve probably more than three years considering I mean I was willing to let the first 50 go What got higher than that? I was like, hey, I'm seeing a pattern here. Maybe this guy did do something Yeah, it is amazing the way he was enabled to
through decades. Well, just the transcripts of the trial that he admitted to are horrible. But the crimes that you can perform almost in broad daylight. Not almost. Christ, you know, it's like saying the emperor's naked and that used to shock people. Now it's like he's not happy enough to be naked in the streets and not anybody say nothing.
But now he wants to walk down the street and just bend over and put his butt right up in our face. And we're not supposed to say nothing. Well, I don't think we're not supposed to say nothing. You know, I don't know why you have to. You seem to want to always pick a fight where I feel like. Because they tried to destroy me, Phil. Who's they? Oh, you're talking about the networks? Yeah.
Hey, I know. I know you. I always felt for you. I mean, for people who don't remember it too young, Roseanne was the biggest thing. There was a rarely seen kind of comment that crosses the show business sky, like when she first went on The Tonight Show. Now this is sounding like a Jack Benny toast. It was the biggest reaction. We had not seen anything like this, hit a nerve, whatever you want to call it. Then the biggest sitcom ever.
And then comes back, what is it, 20 years later, 10 years later, something? 20. The reboot of the sitcom goes to number one again. Try that, bitches. And then you tweeted something that I don't even know if you thought it was racist. It certainly was. It was not. Okay, well. I thought the bitch was white.
I know, that's what you thought, but that doesn't mean it isn't racist because obviously... She looks just like them
You're not going to get yourself out of this by reiterating that. And everybody's in power got to be made fun of. That's true. Mock, mock, mock, mock, mock. Fuck you. If you can't take a joke, fuck you, you fascist. That's how I feel, Bill. And you know what? I don't give a fuck what color your ass is. If you ain't doing right for your own people or anybody's people in this country where people are sleeping in the streets...
and it makes me fucking sick, then fuck you. I don't give a fuck about your feelings. You are offensive to me. You better take care of the people who are living and dying in these streets.
Fuck off. I'm so sorry. But it just came out. I'm glad. That's what I want. I want it to come out. It's what old friends do when they get together. You can either have a blah, blah, boring, like, you know, chit-chat, small talk conversation, or you can, like, let it out and I'm trying to tell you, like, I get what you're coming from. I also... I don't know how to do it other than just say it. You have more balls than anybody.
That's because I'm a trans man and people don't know that. Well... I am though.
No, you're not. You're not a man. You were never a man. We knew you from... You were a child star. You were on the Disney Channel. You were a little Rosie. Remember? Little Rosie. I remember the character you did. You were really a witch, I think, of some kind. But a good witch from another planet. And somehow they implanted all these crazy ideas in your brain. Cut to... It looks like they really did!
Oh, my God. You know what really happened, though? But you need to be a little more sensitive to, like, people who... I get it. I face the same frustrations. I want to set the captives free. Who's the captives? The fucking people that believe anything that comes across the TV. But what? You're on TV sometimes. Except me. Bill, help me. It's true. It's true.
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the biggest star in television and I had a little show that was getting .2 rating and you came and did the show I think with Tom I think you did it together did I? yeah did we? and like the point of that show was like everybody should get a voice
Right. You know, I mean, even when you're nutty, I think you should be heard. Like, I don't believe in any sort of circumcision of free speech. Oh, what a great, that is a great word. Oh, my God, circumcision of free speech. Yeah, I didn't even mean it. I was just... I think we have to remember that, well, Americans, like, after 9-1-1, you know, Bill? 9-11, you mean? Huh? You called it 9-1-1. Oh, okay.
Well, it's an emergency. I know, but we did... How come they're alike? I remember at the beginning, people were calling it 911. Yeah. But then it became 911 and has been that way for like 21 years. You know, better late than never. 911. I hate saying it. Oh, it's just awful memory, but... Oh, yeah. Terrible. But...
I remember I didn't find out about it till 9-1-2. That's so weird, but it's true. Why? Why, Gracie? It is like that. Why, yeah. It used to remind me. And I'm just like George Burns. I got the cigar. Why didn't you find out about it until 9-1-2? Well, George. What? Well, George.
It's like this, see? Another comedy icon who were before my time, but I still knew. So brilliant. I remember when I was a kid. I should talk about her, how fucking genius that woman was. Gracie Allen? Yeah.
Well, it is true. Again, I didn't actually seem... I knew what the act was. She was the dumb blonde. It wasn't really dumb. You know, it always has to work out where the man looks like the asshole. It does have to work out. But I tried to change that paradigm because I didn't want... You did. I didn't want Dan to look that way. You brought real truth, both in the stand-up and in the sitcom, to domestic American life. You also... I tell this every time... I tried. Every time people...
Bring up that movie, Dolores Claiborne. I always say, I remember this very clearly. Roseanne was the first person to talk about how common child harassing is, whatever, what's the right word? Use? Yes, you know, yeah.
And which is what that movie is about. Right. And I remember so clearly at the time, the reaction was she's exaggerating. Oh, come on. I was skeptical myself. I don't think I was like, oh, Roseanne's full of it. I was like, oh, I did. I didn't. I did not know that you were the one who like really put that out there and said, no, no.
It's not a weird or rare thing. It's like it's all through the culture. I guess it's been through every culture. Yeah, forever. It's amazing how horrible humans are that they can fuck children. Oh, they do worse than that. Murder, I guess, is worse. I'm going to. Yeah. Oh, look at this. Look at this.
Oh, you got a thing. Yeah, good. No one had this all along. Oh, that's nice. I'm like, Dorothy, who just remembered she could go home at any time. It is like that. I played the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz on Broadway, you know. Typecasting? Oh, my God, was it fun, though? Oh!
The villain is always the fun part. Oh, it was so fun. I got to fly on them fly things. Oh, right. Yeah, it was so awesome. What year was this? Oh, one of those years. Right. I got to run for president, too. Weird. I wanted to talk to you about that. But anyway, we'll go back. That's a whole other subject. Why don't you raise pot instead of nuts? Well, I tried, but they won't fucking legalize this shit. Oh, you're in Texas.
Yet neither Texas nor Hawaii will legalize me to sell my... Not Hawaii? Uh-uh, they won't do it neither. Come on. Uh-uh, they won't. And it's a socialist state, and they won't do it. I'm surprised to hear you admit that. See, that's the thing. Your politics are so all over the map. One foot in blue, one foot in red. I know, but what does that add up...
Well, okay. I would concur with you that we need both sides. We need the vast middle. We need the vast middle, correct. How did they marginalize the vast middle? That's what I ask myself every day. But some of the things you say are not representative of the vast middle. No, I know, because I'm fighting on another level. Another level? I'm fighting up here in the penthouse of thought where wars are won and lost.
I mean, people get at the truth through different means. I mean, some people are out with it. I think you and I are in that category generally, and we pay a big price for it sometimes. I mean, you know, people do not like to hear truth. They really don't. They say they do. They like it in theory. Well, I say they like it after the guy that told the truth has been tortured and murdered and stripped of his skin after 2,000 years. Then they think he's cool.
Well, we could be a little rosier about it than that, can't we? But, I mean, they only like him 2,000 years after they've died a tortuous death that they put him through. You know, it's just gross how people think. I consider myself a realist, but, you know, when it tips into that darkness...
I don't know if that's realism either. Of course it is. We live in a fucking dark world ruled by Satan. You don't live in a dark world. You live in Hawaii and Texas. I don't, but most of the world lives, I mean, and myself. I'm forced to live in this sphere where it's controlled by Satan the snake. Wait, a sphere that is ruled by Satanists? Yes. Who are the Satanists?
Well, they're all over the place, but they don't know that they're doing it. Like who? Like, name somebody. You know, just anybody. I don't know. I don't know who he is. Oh, George Bush? Jeff Goldblum? I don't know what level. Are they everywhere? The bank?
Who are the Satanists? At the very top sits the Bank of International Settlements in Bern, Switzerland. The Bank of International Settlements? I've got my savings account with them. Oh, no. I mean, it's only $142,000, but still, are they in trouble of some kind? Yeah. Are they caught at being an international cabal? Well...
They were actually caught at that in 2008 with the HSBC bank hack. Well, the whole world economy collapsed in 2008. They weren't the only ones. How smart you are to have noticed that about 2008. Let's clink a fucking glass on that. Okay, it's common knowledge, but thank you. But I didn't know you had that common knowledge.
Well, yeah, I host a show about the news. It was kind of like the biggest story of that year. But OK. Well, I don't remember every God-blessed thing you utter. Plainly. I'm consumed with myself as you are. Are you still into Kabbalah? I know you're into Kabbalah. I'm into the Zohar, that thing you know nothing about. Well, I love Big.
He could not have gone back to childhood if he wasn't with the Zohar. If you saw it, it would blow your mind. It tells us about the karma of ants. And anyway, that's the key. The karma of ants. It is a little ethereal. It's very ethereal. It begs for like a Woody Allen joke. It kind of does. The karma of ants, but does it affect alternate side of the street parking is my question.
Jokes are the greatest thing to save humanity. That's why I just love the Impecta comic. They will not save humanity. No, I agree. We're down for it. Well, I mean, I remember when ISIS was riding high. Do you remember after the Iraq war was over? I guess it was...
Obama into Trump, mostly Obama second term, I guess, when ISIS was kind of like took over a caliphate, which, you know, people were crazy, thought Glenn Beck, who is crazy,
said they're looking to start a caliphate, and then they did. Which, you know, Glenn Beck, I still think is crazy. But, like, when he's right about one, give him the credit. Yeah, even a broken clock. He did say that, and they won't do that. The greatest quote, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Well, I don't think it was... Truth is truth. I would give him a little more credit than that. He seemed to study that subject quite well. I understand him completely because...
He is LDS, and I was raised in Salt Lake City, Utah, amongst the LDS. And I totally understand what he's saying. And much of what he's saying is, you know, I know that they'll forgive and excuse me for saying, but that is because of the deep teachings of the Zohar, which the Mormon church does teach as the Pearl of Great Price. So you were both raised a Mormon. And a Jew. Orthodox Jew and Mormon at the same time.
Okay, so you raised a Mormon and a Jew and also took a hood ornament right through the skull. Which do you think fucked up your thinking more? That's enough for you, young lady. You're cut off. All right, Father. Yes, which fucked up your thinking more? Well, I wouldn't call it fucked up my thinking.
I know. I was just teasing. I was teasing about the whole ornament. I understand from your world, which we call the singleton world. The singleton world? Yeah, that's our language. Singleton, meaning I'm not married? Meaning you have only one personality.
I do. Or everybody. That you know of. Everybody or just me? Just you. Just me? Yeah. Everybody else has more? Well, I don't know, but you do speak the language of someone who isn't severely divided. Although sometimes I think you might be severely divided. Because here's a test I always ask people. Take this test to see if you might be severely divided. Do you often say one thing...
And then do another. Never. That's cool. It's so easy not to. Maybe I did when I was younger and dumber. I'm sure I did. But it's a very easy, once you're a mature adult and you know your capabilities and so forth, I never understand people who do that, who like promise something that they know they're not going to deliver on. Can't you foresee ahead two days or two weeks when, you know, right? You know, it's like,
You would never tell a girl, I have a big dick, if you didn't. Because at some point, then you're going to like, hey, you said you had a big dick. I know, it was what I said to get you in bed, but now I'm in bed and you see it. What a terrible strategy that would be. But people do it all the time. But people set themselves up for humiliation on purpose. I'll give you a perfect example. Because they're fucked up. Listen to this. Twice, I stayed at a five-star hotel. I won't say...
which hotels they are, but, you know. Five Star, we get it. Anyway, I'm not going to say the name, but it rhymes with more reasons than
not to stay there again because, although I do, I forgave, but not that particular branch. So they're like, most people, I guess, are in a hotel. They get up, they're business people. They go out and they do their shit. So they're out of the hotel at nine in the morning or whatever. I'm a comedian. I'm asleep at noon. There's construction going on.
I know. Have you ever had that happen? Of course, always. And you hear this banging and bleh. And like I called down. And this is the part I'm talking about where like, why do people just not tell you the truth right away? And I'm like, hello, what the fuck? I'm trying to sleep. I paid for this room. It's the Four Seasons or whatever hotel it was. I mean, the Moore reasons. And they say, I'm so sorry, Mr. Moore, but we'll stop. And
intention of stopping it. It's costing them whatever, $50,000 a day or something. And it just goes on. And you call back, I'm so sorry. And they're just like, you've got to be fucking kidding. And then you go down to the lobby and you say, what the fuck? You keep telling me. And some guy comes out and says, yeah, we can't stop it. It's like, why didn't you tell me that right away? And switch my room.
That's why I never stay at hotels anymore. That's why I was... Where do you stay? Well, I just stay at my own damn farm. But you're in L.A. Oh, I mean when I'm over at the islands. Look, where are you staying now? Huh? Where are you staying now? I have no idea. Yes, you do. What are you talking about? Well, I do have a place out of L.A. And you have a place in L.A.? Yeah. Gee, you're just one of the common people.
Well, I live in a lovely neighborhood. No, I do live in a lovely neighborhood that is, you know, a nice neighborhood. I'm glad you were able to hang on to enough loot to have a bunch of fucking houses around the world because, you know, I think of you as like this. All wealth comes from land. You're like the Cher of comedy. Ah! What?
Wow, it's like the alarm in prison where they have to all get on the ground. Hit the deck, boys! You get shot with a rubber bullet. No, but you're very iconic. And, you know, you... I just try to do what... I just try to put my...
They can't get you down. Money where my mouth is or fuck it. Right. I just can't talk bullshit. No, I know you... Or God will strike me down and send me straight to hell where the serpent will rule my soul. I don't want to give in to the serpent. You know, that's what the Bible says, but they got it all MKUltra, so women can't know what the Bible really says, Bill. Oh, God. I mean, there's so much to...
I'm just too exhausted to go back and pick apart the crazy all the way back to the first crazy, but it's something about the serpent. I think the first part of what you said has merit, but I don't think we need to attribute this to the serpent.
And by serpent. I'm going back to Genesis. Do you really believe in a serpent? Do you believe in the Bible? Like literally, are you a Bible person? I'm a Torah person. Deal with that. I just want to see your face when I tell you that. I know for folks who don't know the Bible, Torah is the first five books of the Bible. The five books of Moses. The big ones.
Genesis, Exodus, all the big stuff happens. The earth is created. Garden of Eden. Going out from Egypt. Yes, of course. That's the big one, going out from slavery. Yeah, that's Exodus. Yes. Exodusing slavery. I mean, the Bible is just such a silly. Exodus. Exodus.
Movement of deaf people. You know, it's just a book full of horrible morality and pointless violence. It's just as a moral guide. But that's how they were. That's how they were, exactly. Yeah. But the idea that people today take it seriously and emulate that. And think they should do that same shit? No, I don't think they should take almost any... Well, they think they should follow along with it.
with a story that's supposed to be teaching them something, but they don't get the teaching of it. No, they do teach parables, but they're just horrible lessons. They're like, you know, Jacob pimped out his daughter to the king of Shlemazar so that he would curry political favor, and then the daughter was raped until they, you know...
Burn down the whole village. It's just never some good lesson. It's terrible. Check it out, though. That's how they were. Exactly. I'm just saying. That's how they were. Exactly. The problem is that they encoded that into a moral guide, quote unquote. And it's the last thing you would want as a moral guide. But it leads up to something. What? It leads to...
Well, if you do the total Jewish gematria of Torah, okay. Gematria? Yeah. I don't know that word. I know you don't, but who cares? You don't need to. I like... You're perfect how you are. I like learning. That's cool, but you are perfect how you are. I feel like the older I get, the more I approach on a daily or weekly or yearly basis being...
approach, not being, but approach being 100% of, you know, who I want to be at that moment. Like accepting what I can't change and, you know, changing, you know, that old thing, changing what I have the power to change, making the right decisions, not stupid decisions, you know, treating people the right way. You know, it's, that takes decades. And, you know, I just feel the needle does move toward change.
a hundred, but of course you'd never get there. I mean, these people who say in interviews, I have no regrets. I have regrets every day. There's not a day that goes by where you're like, I did everything just perfectly, even if it's something trivial. So, you know, you just do less and less as you get older. It's the compensating factor that we have for being this age because we're not as cute as we used to be.
Well, I was never cute. You sure were. No, nobody ever wanted to fuck me. You know what? You actually grew into your age great. No, nobody ever wanted to fuck me in Hollywood. And now I thank God that that was correct. You just have to look. Look, if I had had to get to the very tippy top of Hollywood by blowing my way to the top, I would have the worst shame ever. But I never had to do that. Right. You just did it for fun.
I just did it for free. Because you're a socialist. No, it all leads to this. It's all going to be so great in the future. What is? Everything.
It is, though. I said this at Y2K, which they're trying to obscure all notions of Y2K, but I was right about Y2K and what was going to happen, and nobody listened to me. Nothing happened. Including you. Nothing happened. That's right. Nothing happened because they inserted the O between the...
One and the one. All coders know this. I see. There was a one and a one, and everybody was obsessed that when the century turned, what was going to happen? Well, what did indeed happen is they added a zero between the one and the one, and all the banks crashed.
Just like everybody said was going to happen at Y2K. But the banks didn't crash. Oh, yes, they did. And they crashed again in 2008. They crashed in 2008. They didn't crash in 2000. Y2K. Oh, yes, they did. Okay. But they tried to prevent it. They tried to prevent it by destroying Y2K.
Evidence. I mean, I remember losing money in the year 2000, but it was because... Yeah, you did. Yeah, because I fell for, again, better to be older and wiser in some ways. I fell for the idea of the internet, which was kind of new, was going to be this rocket of economic...
Super stardom. And invested in a bunch of tube socks dot com. Who's not going to want to get their tube socks? And of course, we now have a company that everybody gets their tube socks from and
everything else but yeah there was a dot-com bubble burst around 2000 it had nothing to do with any of this it did have to do with Y2K did not yes it did economically in the world of economics they definitely did you said I mean I remember reading it then they start jacking up the prices you check it out the prices personalities
And every one of them is a mathematical genius. So kiss our ass. But it's still seven, or did you have to lay a few off because of the pandemic? Three of them are working from home now. Okay. There's only one now. Really? Yeah. Are you on meds? Hells yes. Really? Fuck yeah.
I remember the pilot. The question is, have you never been on meds? That's the question you should ask. I remember the reboot, the pilot of the reboot of your show. You, the first scene, you and Goodman are trading your pills. Yeah. Because you can't afford to have all the pills you need. Yeah. That is your genius. Yeah, I wrote that. Encapsulating your...
A blue collar concern in a way that people... Oh, they hate the blue collars. Yeah, but you, that's the nerve you hit and you hadn't, when I saw that scene, it was like, oh. No, they know what they're doing. What do you think of this guy who sang Richmond, North of Richmond? I sent him an email. I want to interview you. And here's what comes back.
This can't be real. He's probably a big fan. And it's somebody else's name, but not his. And so I sent back, but it is real. Right. And then I said, are you a publicist? And I haven't heard back. Because you know publicists are the most evil people on earth. You know that, Bill. What I know is that... Tell the truth. They are of the snake. Don Henley, when they...
Put him in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame with the Eagles. He was talking about Irving Azoff, their longtime manager and now mogul, and he said people in the industry think of him as Satan, but he's our Satan.
And that's what you want in your publicist. You want Satan on your side. So, you know. That's like that Azov clan over there in the Ukraine, the Azovs. That's very different. That sounds like Fox News stuff. It's true. The same name. I feel. That ain't Fox News shit. Irving Azov, the mogul manager, has nothing to do with whatever's going on in Ukraine, I promise you.
I bet he does. Unless the Eagles are playing Keeve. I'm old. I don't get half the shit I used to get. You're doing fine. You know what? I don't like this aging shit. What you don't have is old energy, which is good. You have young energy. Yes, people can see that we're not 25 anymore.
But it's like the way you conduct yourself, you know, at a certain point, like Biden is a perfect example of the other part of this. Biden, do I think he can do the job as president? Yes, because government is done in small rooms making quiet decisions. Do I think he's up to running? No, because there is the perception because he just looks quiet.
And moves and stumbles verbally. And so it's just there is an oldness that he cannot escape. It is a monster that is chasing him. Perception is reality. He has to step aside. I think it gets Jim Carrey in a mask playing him. Jim Carrey did play him on Saturday Night Live for a season.
I know, but like going up the stairs and falling that many times, only Jim Carrey could do that so brilliantly. It's funny you say that because I've said this before about Jim. Like most parts...
You know, they have a list of people who can play this and it's like, yeah, they get the first guy they want. If they don't, sometimes the second guy. Hollywood is full of stories of stars who turned down a part, which turned out to be a hit movie for, oh, Ryan O'Neill and Burt Reynolds could have had it, but he didn't. Like Klaus Schwab used to be Colonel Klink on Hogan's Heroes.
Brilliant casting. I mean, you know, he was... You don't remember Hogan's Heroes? Oh, of course I do. I loved Hogan's Heroes. Remember Colonel Clank? Of course! Werner Klemperer.
He was the son of Otto Klemper, a great German composer. Oh, not him. I'm talking about the fat, bald one. That's Sergeant Schultz. Yeah, that one. That's Klaus Schwab. John Banner as Sergeant Schultz. Yeah, Sergeant Schultz as Klaus Schwab. In real life? Yeah. But who's Klaus Schwab? The head of the WEF. What's that? Google it.
Is that the bank that controls everything? W.E.F.? What was the name of that bank? Oh, the Bank of International Settlements in Bern, Switzerland. So the Bank of International Settlements. That's where all wars are decided. They meet there, but it can't be the Swiss themselves. They're not secretly running the world. The bank, I get, is there. But everybody uses Swiss banks. Who wants to keep their... Although in recent years, they've eroded a lot of those...
privacy laws with Switzerland. I mean, it's not quite as in the vault as it used to be. Yeah, it's called the Bank of International Settlements, and it's the central bank of all central banks. Trace me through how they get to make the decision. Is it about what they're, they finance certain armaments that are then, it's too lucrative to not fight a war with these armaments? Is it that kind of thing? Because how does the bank control the war?
Well, banks control all the wars. How? Well, they finance all the wars. I'll concede this. They go and they sell. Their job is to stir up wars and arm both sides for profit. Okay. There's a book. Check it out. It's on the internet. There's a book. They make money from wars.
Yes. Halliburton, yes. We understand people do. I mean, and during World War II, they prosecuted war profiteers. I mean, it was not...
Something that went unpunished. There's a very famous play called All My Sons. Do you know that play? The movie, a very famous movie, black and white, Edward G. Robinson. He's a maker of planes. And he makes planes and scrimps on the bolts a little bit. And people go down because the wing doesn't work right.
And one of them is his son who's in the war. Oh, God, what a paradox. And that's the title. They were all my sons. Oh, wow. So that was very much on the minds of people back then. Not cool war profiteering. That went away as corporations and we're on the page with this, you know, the Pentagon, the
Eisenhower had it right, military industrial complex. It's just something that never, it's the one thing the Republicans and Democrats always agree on is that the Pentagon needs more money, which really means defense contractors, which is different than defense.
And the budget of the Pentagon is like the Virgin Mary. It is sacred. It is immaculate. It cannot be touched. And it just goes up and up. With no accountability. With very little accountability. Like charging $15,000 for a screwdriver. But that's part of just a...
Kind of a corrupt greasy end of the Empire system that happens in countries. It's not like a deliberate conspiracy It's just happened. It just happens when people slowly evolve getting lazier and greedier There's a book called I can't remember the name of it, but the thesis of it is that government uses crises
as a way to get a policy in. They always wanted to get in. Yeah, they do. And the prime example would be the Iraq war. The Republicans wanted to go back to Iraq and kick Saddam Hussein's ass. Well, so did the Democrats. They went along, but it wasn't like George Bush. He tried to kill my daddy.
No, but the Democrats went right along with it. They did. Most of them, not all of them. All of them always do the same thing and act like they ain't going to. Not all of them. That's how Obama got elected president, partly because he was the one who was right about the Iraq war. He was not for the Iraq war. But then he bombed eight countries.
Sometimes presidents have to bomb. They do. The world is full of shitty people plotting against us. Sometimes presidents have to kill you. Yes, that's true. You're the one who, like, speaks the truth. That's the truth. So you can live comfortably in Hawaii and Texas and California and I don't know how many other states, and we can enjoy our cushy lifestyle. Yes, there are bad guys out there. They're not all rooting for us.
And they're like the pigs, some of them, in your forest. They want what you have. And sometimes you got to bomb them. But we would try not to. I feel that Jimmy Carter is a heroic president because he's the one president never fired a shot. Now, if he had been president after 9/11, he probably would have had to fire a shot or two. But never fired a shot. That's very rare. Presidents pull the trigger a lot.
Should Clinton have, like, bombed Serbia in, what was that, 1998, the Balkan Wars? I mean, that's a big thing, to bomb another European country. It's a little presumptuous. But, you know, they were going to annihilate possibly the Muslims in Kosovo. I mean, it was like, those are the decisions, like, people make, and you want the people in office to be sober. That's why, like, Biden...
I'm not opposed to him. Do you think Biden's sober? I'm not opposed to him being president, but he's going to lose. He's going to lose to Trump, who just next to Biden looks like James Brown at the Apollo. And he's 77. But it just, that just one guy just looks, the angrier Trump gets, the more he looks invigorated. He fucking killed it in his mugshot.
He could not have done better in that mugshot. I've got to give him that. It was great. It was, I mean, you could. It said it all. Any other actor, you could give 100 takes. Greatest show on earth. Any other supermodel, and they couldn't have nailed it, and he only got one take, and that was exactly the look he wanted. Andrew Sullivan said he was trolling the Constitution. Is he still your boy? Who? Trump.
Oh, my God. You're not going there. Now you're trying to pick another fist fight between us. No, I'm just asking. I don't give a shit. You think it's not going to affect my love for you. That's the whole point. One of the main points of this thing we're doing here is that I love to talk to people who I don't
agree with on everything. Me too. Yes. We should all be able to talk to each other. Exactly. We should all be able to talk. That's the fucking point. Right. And still come away. Of America. Right. Long may it wave. I had Candace Owens here and, you know, it just made me think so many of the things she says, she's very funny.
When she says something I totally agree with, I mean, she's just like a comic going straight at it. Yeah, she's funny on film. I mean, the ref needs to call the match sometimes. I mean, it's like, it's not a fair fight. But then she's, it's like, what I thought was like, this is the challenge of America. How, to get along with someone who you think is,
Oh, this person is so on the money on A, B, C, and D, but is insane about E and F. Or in your case, G, H, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, P, W, X, Y, Z, double A, double B, double C, double D. But people like, but you're on your side, you call everything.
Common sense crazy. Me personally you're talking about? No, your way of thinking. Based on facts? No, mine is.
Yours is not. Mine is totally fact. Yours is based on anything anyone says on the internet. That is so fucking untrue. It is very true. It is so not true. I don't know how you got sucked into the Fox News vortex. I didn't get sucked. I hate Fox News. I think they have one of those swirly things. I hate Fox News. And it was like, hmm. I hate Fox News. You hate Fox News? Uh-huh, always have. But that's where you get things...
like, you know, what got you in trouble. What? I mean, there's memes in the right-wing mediasphere that, you know, need checking out and vetting, and people don't. People just-- if they see it on the screen, it's-- You know, somebody asked me recently, "What scares you?" I think they were gonna-- thinking I was gonna say COVID or some stupid thing like that. It was like, "What scares me is the human brain and, like, how crazy
People can be, again, not about everything, but like how much crazy there is out there. And yet, you know, life doesn't just, as it seems like it should, just completely go off the rails. We get up, we drive, we go places, we come home. Sometimes shit happens, but mostly we're living our best lives. And it's like with all these crazy people out there, that's what scares me, is that at some point,
There's got to be a reckoning with all that crazy. Well, I think we're all crazy to someone. I definitely think we're a too conformist society, whereas when people step outside the bounds of what is the one true opinion, I call it, you know, the conventional wisdom, you're some sort of heretic. That's why I say I want people to hear everything you think, because yes, once in a while,
Like the crazy person, we saw this with COVID. Everything that the people who were supposed to be crazy were saying, oh, now the studies come out and oh yeah, the masks were not good for you. Breathing in your own CO2, something I said like the first week at the thing. Okay, I'm the crazy person. But a lot of times the crazy person after some time turns out to be not so crazy. I forget what brought that up, but I'm getting like you, I'm
It goes like for me that my tweet was about a militarized government under the Obama administration. What does that mean, a militarized government? Governments control the military. We have a military. We're not a militarized government. Not yet. I'm sorry, militarized police force. Well, the police in America...
They went through a period. That's when tanks showed up in the streets. Yes. I remember doing editorials on this, especially after the Iraq War. The military had America always run by, how can we make money on this? Everybody in America is Milo Minderbender in Catch-22. So they had like excess Jeeps and tanks and shit that came home from the war. It's like, what can we do with this shit? Oh, you know what?
I bet you we could sell it to police departments. Wouldn't you like a tank if you were the sheriff? And that's what they did. And they said, so I remember doing a new rule and it was after the riots in Boston, maybe after the Boston Marathon bombing, not riots, the manhunt. And it was like, when did Boston get an army? I got to go to bed, Bill. That's honest.
Yeah, okay. Not 'cause I said something bad. - I'm just tired and shit-faced. - Okay, I love that you, it's always right out there. Like, it hit you, you're like, I'm not gonna bullshit or like slowly pee. Hey, I'm ready to go to bed. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you doing this. - I had fun. - I saw you laughing a million times. That is what made me love this. - It was all hilarious. - It was hilarious.