Rob Schneider | Club Random with Random
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The staff tells me that you are already on fire. That's what they, I have been hearing. God bless you. Hey, I got to tell you, more cameras here. I feel like I'm at the Chinese embassy, baby. Let's go. I know. I feel like we have camera, all of you. We have evidence. Now you tell us all your early jokes from the 80s. You know what? Ever since you couldn't play other nationalities, I stopped working. Oh.

Oh, yes. You can't play other nationalities anymore. You did a few of those, didn't you? Yeah, because, you know, if my mom's Asian, it makes me Asian. Because they give a shit. They do. Oh, I know. It's so funny you mention that because the editorial I am doing this Friday on Real Time is about how casting directors go back to being casting directors and cast the person who's best for the role and not whether they're

profile as a person, a real life person, matches the role. Tom Hanks says he wouldn't do Philadelphia today because he's not gay and the character is.

It's called acting. Yes, you're supposed to be able to play people. You're not. That was the whole point of it. Exactly. Why do you think actors want to be actors? Because they don't want to be themselves, right? What happened, though, is that there's a creep that's happened, which I think you may have noticed. There's a creep of trying to make the world better. There's a lot of creeps out there, man. Trying to make the world better and making it way worse by being such pussies about everything. I can't even at the hotel.

I get wherever the hell I'm staying. They don't even tell you what kind of shampoo it is anymore. They don't say what flavor or whatever, you know, whatever. Why? It just says not testing on animals. Oh. And as if, and I'll tell you the truth, I don't care. I'll tell you another one. Well, I do care about that. I want you to test it on animals. I mean, don't be an asshole about it. Don't shove a bottle up the bottle's ass. I'm a PETA board member. So you struck on the last thing that I'm ever going to agree with you. I'm just saying, if you are...

If you have a shampoo company, and let's say you have a lizard, it doesn't have to be... A lizard. Put a couple of drops of shampoo in his eyes, and if the lizard dies, let's come up with another shampoo. That's all. I can hate you and the joke that you made, and also appreciate that that is a good joke. I can do both, because I have a bicameral mind.

Well, that's good. You know, that's the problem. Yes. We're so polarized, as you talked about, with Jay. You know, with Jay, you know, we tell you you're polarized. The other thing is, it's like, you know, you can't even hear anything. And then he comes down here. Those are his two moves, Jay's got. You know, I'm up here. And then you go down here. And you come back up here. I used to love his segues on The Tonight Show. You know, they'd be talking about the sitcom or whatever. And then.

here you are. Here you are, your collectoy train. I remember being on the show, Catherine Ross, finally, after my fifth appearance on there, whatever, with Jay, she said, stop waiting for Jay, just keep going. Right.

And that was the best advice. Well, but Jay Leno is one of the greatest people. I mean, I don't understand this animosity. No, because it just happens. I mean, and I hate to... Jealousy. Could you believe there's jealousy in stand-up? Is that what you're saying? Well, I guess in, not stand-up, but in getting the crown plum...

talk show. Oh, yeah. Oh, sure. And, you know, I don't know why Jimmy and Conan, who I both am so fond of, I don't want to be in the middle of this, but I mean, I just don't know why they seem to hate him so much. I know, but it is. And he's such a great guy. There's not one person that Jay hasn't helped.

I mean, literally, I drove him. One of my first things I ever did, like in the early 80s, I had a manager, of course, and he said, you're going to pick up Jay Leno. You're going to know. You know San Francisco like the back of your hand. You take the Thomas Guide. That was the thing. I remember. You take him and you take the Thomas Guide. You have a sign at the airport. You pick up Jay. You take him to the radio show. Then you take him to the club. And then whatever Mr. Leno needs. And so I did it. What year is this?

This is like 1983, 84. Perfect. I think that was just when he was doing like, hey, on the Letterman Show, hey, let me tell you, what's your beef, Jay? Hey, let me tell you my beef. I'll tell you one thing right now. I'll tell you, I got a beef, Jay. Let me tell you, Dave. And he would murder. He would murder.

murder. Murder, absolutely. Nobody ever did talk show spots quite like Rodney. He had material. Rodney did. But Rodney would just do another six minutes. Johnny would say nothing and they'd make a joke about that. But Leno killed in that. I mean, that's what got him the Tonight Show. Oh, yeah. Well, he took that as the opportunity that it was. A lot of people come on there and try to be smart or whatever. He said, this is my four minutes and I'm going to

murder i'm gonna go to commercial and come back for two yes and he did but like he was a guy like i remember i mean he was so nice and he said so you know i am you know any good chinese restaurants you know i said yes mr leno because i was a san francisco kid my mom's filipino we went every sunday we went to this place not to the fancy place but we used to drive by the fancy place where the politicians would go and they go my dad would go that's the place

the fancy people go, this food's just as good. We're going to go, it's just as good, Chinese food. It's even better. Let me tell you what, it's not as fancy. We're not fancy, you know. My dad always considered the temple, like, it's a fashion show. We don't need to go to temple. It's a fashion show. And so we went to the, I said, Mr. Leno, that's the best place. He says, yeah, come on in. We're going to eat by myself. And he finally said, so are you a comedian? And I said, yes, Mr. Leno. And he said to me, how much time you got?

And I said, about eight minutes. He said, good. You know, most people I ask how much time you get. I got six hours. I can do six hours. I got two hours to clean, two hours to dirty. And I said, you know, who needs to hear six hours of comedy material? You either have 20 minutes of kills every time, everywhere you go. You got nothing. That's all you need. You got to have five minutes of kills every time, everywhere you go, or you have nothing. And he said, you don't need 20 minutes to become a star. And truthfully,

I worked after that dinner, lunch with him, I worked my ass off to get five minutes. And a couple of years later, I got on Letterman doing that five minutes. And truthfully, like me, Spade, Rock, Sandler never had more than 20 minutes. And the thing also about Jay is he like he would always like bend over backwards if there was some sort of a beef between.

to try to end it. Like people would fuck him over and he would call them. I know. I just don't understand. I was having a problem at NBC and he took me aside and said, you're a good kid. I was doing Men Behaving Badly and I literally was, I was out of my fucking mind. I've been in therapy now dealing with stuff I should have dealt with 20 years ago. I'd be able to buy a place like you have too. Like what? No, but I had a problem

with an NBC, like, because I hated doing the sitcom. It was called Men Behaving Badly. I fucking hated the fact that we have all these episodes from England. They're hilarious. Let's just do those. And they promised me they'd do that. And they took them over here and they watered them down. And I listened to your, you know, to Warren Littlefield who promised me, we're going to make it just as funny, blah, blah, blah. And anyway, so I was performing with a shirt that said performing under protest. You know, all the people were, the writers laughing at their own shit. And then Jay said, hey, listen,

You got to figure out a way to make this thing work for you. You know what I'm saying? You don't think they can get another Jay Leno? They'll get another Jay Leno tomorrow. You don't think they'll get another Tom Cruise? They'll get another Tom Cruise in a week. Or maybe two weeks because it's Tom fucking Cruise. But you know everybody else, you know, so you got to find a way. And I was like, just to him to take the time. Yeah. Of course, I didn't listen to him. But if he were just taking the time, I mean, he's just the greatest. I want to know about these...

Things that you could have paid a house for in therapy. Oh, yeah. No, no, no, no. I pissed off so... I fucked up so badly. What do you mean? No, I just like... What happened was... Why did you fuck up? I didn't realize... You're a household name. Thank you. But no, I shouldn't... But I mean like when you think about all the people you started with,

I mean, I always think about it like the military. You know, we went into battle with a thousand guys, and, like, a lot of them are dead. Yeah, yeah. Not dead, really, although some of that, too. But, you know, just dead, and they never, and, you know, you're Rob Schneider. God bless you. You know, couldn't you? There's another thing Jay Leno told me. He said, you know, I get these guys call me up, you know, he'd say, you know, I'm sorry I'm doing Jay, but I just listened to your podcast. Oh, you're very funny. He said, like, you know. Well, I can do it, too, you know. You're not the only one I can do it to. No.

These guys called me up and they said, hey, listen, Jake, can you put me on for five minutes? And I said, how is it going to help you? He said, it's like you're 40 years old. You only got five minutes. You haven't written a new act and now you're fat.

So, but what I happened, what happened to me, which I'm realizing now through fucking therapy that I can finally afford and have the time to do. So you do go to therapy? I do now. Yeah. Was that by, I was raised by people who were very wounded. I was raised by people too. It's amazing how that works. No, my parents, like my mother, half her family was, were killed by the Japanese in World War II. And so like, I can't travel without food with me. And it took this, you know, Wait, who was killed by the Japanese? Both my uncles. Both my uncles.

One was beheaded, and the other one died in the Bataan Death March at 17. Your mother's Japanese. My mother's Filipino. Filipino. Oh, and the Japanese invaded the Philippines. Yes, they did. Maybe you heard about that. First of all, Pearl Harbor started the whole thing. Don't trust anyone under 40 to understand even what century World War II happened in. I know, it is really... So, if we want to get the full audience here...

Kids, World War II, it happened after the Middle Ages. Yes. Okay. It was the one with Hitler. Before Bieber. Yes. I think what kids don't understand about World War II is like they don't get why Hitler and Japan were sort of on the same side. Yes. And God frankly neither do I. You know, I don't. And I'm a student of Hitler.

It was very club random at the time. It was so random. It was like, wait, I'm evil and you're evil, so we're just going to be evil together. But the plan was, just like when Hitler with Ribbentrop, it was just like, we're going to, look, we'll kill you eventually, but right now, let's just take out the poles and get this thing started. Let's back up to the kids who don't know who Von Ribbentrop is. Okay. Okay.

So the Nazis and the Soviet Union made a pact in 1940, the Von Ribbentrop Pact, and they decided to...

cut Poland right in half. And as a matter of fact, that's all that Stalin wanted after World War II. He wanted half of Poland and Germany got the other half of Poland. During the Malta times when you had Churchill and what was left of Roosevelt at the time, which is basically where Biden is now, what was left of Roosevelt. And you had, and then all that Stalin was there was like, I just want, I just,

You know, I just want the same amount of Poland that Hitler gave me. And then what a surprise I got. Who knew I was going to get Czechoslovakia, Hungary. It was so and half of Germany. Forget about it. What a day. Anyway, you were killed by the Japanese. No, not you. Your mother's brothers were Filipino. The Japanese invade in 1941. Yes.

Yeah, 42. 42. January 42. Right. And they just, they came in. This is, people might remember Douglas MacArthur saying, I will return. He will return. And they did two takes when he came off the boat. Because the first one. That's right. He came right off and sunk right down. You're talking about the newsreel. Yes. The newsreel. Right. He walked off the landing ship and he went right in the drink.

And then he said, we got to do it again. We're losing the light. And also, I think I have another one in me. I want to try a few things. Yeah, let me just... First of all, this is my better side. Can somebody light my fucking cigar? Jesus Christ. Or it was a pipe or whatever. I think it was a pipe. So anyway, so that's... I'm going to improvise.

So that's what, so that's kind of like on my mother's side. And then on my father's side, my father was also very melancholy. His father committed suicide. So I just, I'm raised from like, and blame myself, my grandfather. Your grandfather? My grandfather who came, you know, came over from the old days. It was one of those things where you found out he was like three years older than he was when he was like, you know. Where did he come from?

He came over from, well, it was Prussia at that time. Prussia, sure. Prussia is part of, it's Eastern Germany. It's where Berlin is. Berlin is in Prussia. Prussia was a country of its own in the 19th century before Germany was united. Not that I have to tell you kids.

Go to class! Tarnapole was where he was from. And he came over, and he didn't realize... And this is a guy who could barely read and write, but he could read the newspaper, and he would do... And so he had literally a barbershop. He cut hair right next to the Fox Theater on 7th Street in San Francisco, right off Market Street, and had a good life for himself. And then when he retired...

He didn't realize that, like, he realized he went to the bank and realized there was nothing in there. He didn't understand that my mother, Molly Hoffman, Hoffman Schneider, had taken that money and invested it in real estate. And some other had a little jewelry store. And so he just thought they were broke and got really depressed. Like, I did all this for that? And then he went to my dad's and then he said, you know, I can't live with your mother. She blew all our money, blah, blah, blah. And he said, well, look, I got to, I'll be right back. Just hang out. And then.

My dad came back and then my grandfather offed himself. I hate to bring this show to a screeching halt. So how did the Japanese get to Prussia?

So the Japanese came in. By the way, the Japanese, you know, whenever you invade some place, you are the liberators. But why? They were pissed off at the Filipinos because, like, you're fellow Asians and we're liberating you from these asshole Americans. I mean, we invaded Iraq in 2003. And we said we were liberators. They didn't see it that way. They didn't. It's funny how that works. No. I mean. Conquers. Right. I mean, it's liberation. Those goddamn Romans. I mean, whereas. . .

the Austrians pretended that Hitler conquered them

But really, when Hitler marched into Vienna, it was not exactly the disastrous day that they would like to present. I've seen the film. You don't throw flowers at the tanks when they're coming in and say, these are the bad guys. So you have that. That's kind of it. But here's my real question. So all this bad shit happened in your past, I mean, your family's past. What do you give a fuck? What do I give a fuck?

Why is this affecting you today? Because you're a celebrity who lives in Hollywood. No, no. You have a hat and a coat. I moved to Arizona. I couldn't take this fucking... I don't know how you guys do it. How much more can California take? It's like you got homeless people on the lawn. Do you have to have them move into your house? Finger your wife. At what point do you say, I'm fucking out of here? Well, that's why I never got married.

It's because the thought of homeless people fingering my wife would have just driven me up the wall. Well, you know, first of all, maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. No. No, the homeless, we're either having a huge homeless problem or a gigantic camping success story. We have to look at it both ways. The tent companies are killing it right now, Bill. I know. I drive through this town and like, especially when I'm out of town, coming back from the airport, I always go this road, route through Burbank Airport and then like... Through Calcutta. Well, I...

The underpass looks like Woodstock 99. I know. It's terrible. It's just... It's the ACLU that did it. The ACLU... Well... They fucked... Well, basically, the cities capitulated to the lawsuits. And they said, we don't want it. We don't have the money. We're not going to fight this fact. And so then you had... You couldn't kick them out anymore. And so that's what happened. A common...

theme of mine besides marijuana use I'll have a hit oh really why not let's mix it up baby come on hey you're alright you're okay I met Rodney hey I got a couple of girls with some blow you wanna hang out

Come on, man. I smoke every day. The only reason I'm still alive. Let's do Rodney and Leno together. Rodney, why don't you pass the blow a little, I guess. You know, there's a guy over here with a schnoz that would like a little. Hey, let me tell you, get your own shit. You know what I'm saying, pal? This stuff's expensive. I got thought of energy. I think I'm going to write another monologue. Okay, but. I love Jay, but Jay did get to the point where he was, the monologues were 25 minutes, the interviews were 30 seconds. But he's an amazing monologue writer. No,

- No, no. - I mean, he's an amazing joke writer. - He's incredible. Every bit he had, when I opened for him, me and Dana Carvey, the great legend, Dana Carvey, the most talented guy to ever come out of San Francisco. This guy, we both opened for him in like the mid 80s. And then at the Palace of Fine Arts, like one of those New Year's crazy shows where you'd make like a fountain pen

$1,000 if you were an opening. I was like, geez, that was crazy. And Jay Leno would come in and whatever. We'd have our killer bits we couldn't wait to get to. And then every joke that Jay Leno had was killer. He also knew how to get into it in like three seconds, which I was so jealous of. Because when you're an unknown, it's so hard to break the ice, warm up the crowd. I always hated it.

And I'm like, oh, God, it's going to take five minutes before they're like, who's this fucking guy? Yes. Whereas Jenna, Jenna was always like, I think the one I said to him when he was here was like, hey, you see the paper? You see the...

And he's already like home almost. I see Buddy Epson. Muhammad Ali is going to come out of retirement. He's fighting Buddy Epson. But he is like a ninja in that way. Where like, you know, you have these guys, they have their moves and they've been doing it so long. They just become impenetrable after a while. And he was one of those guys. What are we talking about?

I always forget what we're talking about, but it was something I was very interested in. Something with you and the Japanese. With the Japanese and the war. What happened? Gabor Mate told me this. Dr. Gabor Mate. Why is it still affecting your psyche? Because what happened is that does transfer from the parent to the kid. And I didn't realize that. Because I said I always travel with food. It's because my mom starved during the war.

Okay. Your mom starved during the war. Yeah. Oh, that is. That's the thing. Whatever problems were happening in the United States...

People don't realize. But she looked great. But they don't realize that this really isn't. These are these problems that we have. Like we don't this isn't a civil war. We are not in a civil war. But we may be very soon. Well, if really if the Democrats continue to try to imprison people, then then there's nothing. There's nothing separating us from like some Guatemalan thing. Well, I mean, if someone broke the law plainly.

like trying to undo a fair election, they deserve to be in prison. Well, let's go back to Nixon, the last progressive president we ever had. Nixon put in the EPA. Of course, I know all this. Okay, okay, title line. I mean, I wouldn't, yeah. So Nixon. Yeah, progressive compared to today, for sure. What had to happen was that it was true. Ford sacrificed his own political career and his own presidency by saying, we got to stop this shit.

and stop this attack and move on. And like Nixon himself, when it was very obvious, as soon as they lost the presidential election in 1960, Nixon and his advisors were like, we can fight this. We know that they cheated in Chicago, that dead people,

were voting and he said the transfer of power is more important exactly and that is the okay exactly that is the key that's why yes Nixon made a sacrifice in 1960 Al Gore 40 years later made the same sacrifice

Yes, he did. Absolutely. Okay. And let's not even talk about Tilden. Tilden? Because I'm still pissed about Tilden. Okay. You know who Tilden is? I'm blanking on him. 1876, my friend. Oh, yes. Sorry, sir. It's the first time the guy did not get the presidency after winning the popular vote. Okay, right. Okay. Tilden! All right. God damn it. But you look at President Johnson after Lincoln. Let's go back.

Now, this guy, he wanted to follow through with what Lincoln wanted, which was to not penalize the South. And they crucified him. And it was the northerners who did want to penalize them. I'd have to look at that history again. And they impeached him. And he saved it by one vote. There was one vote that prevented him from losing the presidency.

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Go to SignalWire.com slash random and build what's next in real-time communications. Go to SignalWire.com slash random. These are clove cigarettes, by the way. Are they? Yeah, here. Step up to the cool, refreshing, refreshing straced of... But I will say that, I mean, I feel like I was dumber than all the guys.

All the smart people at SNL. But at least I had some semblance of history that I can understand. Some basic...

as a democracy. It's what separates us. It is. So many countries in the world have not been able to get this right. The idea that we would have elections and then go, okay, I hate your fucking guts, but you know what? I'm going to paste on a smile and I'm going to walk over to the White House

whether I'm going to invite you to the White House, even though I lost and I'm giving up this great palace, because that was... Well, that's what... And that is what Trump has fucking broken and thrown to the floor. Well, I will say that he seems to have narcissistic tendencies. I'm not 100% sure. Seems to have...

Well, let me just tell you, though, George, let's go back because there's been an ugliness throughout our history. There has. But but a difference in degree is not a difference in kind. This is a difference in kind. The guy who says on tape, you have to find me 11000 votes. That guy has that's bad. That guy has to go to jail. The guy who says just send electors who are fake votes.

to January 6th, that guy has to be in jail. The guy who says, sir, they're going to hang Mike Pence, good, he deserves it. That guy has got to go to jail. I know it's troublesome. You can't, what I believe we should do, first of all, also Representative Lewis, okay, who is a... John Lewis? Yes, this guy is a civil...

Civil rights hero. This is a guy who got beaten. This is a guy who stood up. But at the same time, when Trump became president, it was a travesty to not accept him as president. That was a, that set a... They never accept anybody. They didn't accept Obama. But that's one thing to say. Accepting someone is not the same thing as contesting the election. It is! Because it's telling people who are not as smart as you. Yes, they have. But...

But that is different to go publicly and say that I do not accept him as this and to start this whole bullshit of this whole Russian collusion thing. But let me just say this. The thing about power. That's not bullshit either. Well, the thing about power and what makes a great leader is people who step away from the power. When George Washington was asked, would you like to be king? Great, Rob. Listen to yourself. People who have the dignity to step away from the power like George Washington. Gosh, I'm not.

Who can I think of who doesn't have that exact quality of being able to step away from the power? Yes, well, that is a detriment. Who? God damn it, I can't think right now. Somebody recently, I know it's recent, I can't think of the name. That is a detriment to his legacy of a great real estate man. Slump.

Okay. But let's talk about your psychological issues. Dr. Gabor Mata. See if by the end of this we can connect your psychological issues and get you back to not thinking. Well, I will say this. I'm high right now. I'm always going to take the position of the underdog no matter what. And the people in power, which happens to be. Well, that's silly. No, no, no. Not always. I mean, son, what if the underdog is wrong?

Well, I'm not talking about I'm not talking about but I'm saying like the people in power, the people that are not in power. I think it's important to to attack what is in power. And like the difference is here's my problem with the way it is, both Democrats and Republicans. It's very simple. This goes back to like Noam Chomsky, which he says this. Noam Chomsky is right about a lot, a lot of stuff. Some he was a little crazy about this, you know, putting people in prisons who were, you know, who were unvaccinated. That was that was very far left.

He's very lunacy. However, he did say like Americans are allowed to discuss very viscerously, very, very angrily. And they can have incredible arguments about a small number of issues. I agree. But you don't have them arguing about stuff that's of like foreign policy and like wars. They're just not interested. And they're not knowledgeable enough to even have the discussion. That's the problem, really.

That is a problem. Really? I mean, they're not like us with the von Ribbentrop treaty. I mean... I got two more of those up my sleeve. Can you see Jay Leno and Rodney talking about that? Hey, it's von Ribbentrop. Let me tell this guy. That guy did not know how to wear a suit. You know what I'm saying? I tell you, that Stalin is quite a dictator, isn't he? This guy really...

He likes being adored. I tell you, at the parade the other day. Kept looking the wrong way. They're coming from the left to the right. This guy's looking from the right to the left. But I do think that there is always been this ugliness in politics, but I just don't think it's become to the level of entertainment. Ugliness, yes.

Trying to steal an election, no. Not conceding an election that you absolutely lost. That every court that you threw your ridiculous shit against said you lost. Republican secretaries of state who counted the votes said you lost. This is different. This is not ugliness, Rob, in politics. Yes, there's always ugliness. Ugliness everywhere. This is a whole different kettle of fish.

It's... I don't get it. Where...

You guys who are, I mean, you're so sane, I think, on so many other things where you confront wokeness in the same way I do. Yeah. But I don't know what this affection you boys have for Donald Trump is. No, it's not necessarily that. But it goes past rationality, and you should check yourself on that with your psychiatrist because it must go back to the fucking Philippine invasion. I'm sure that there's something in there. I, first of all, you know, I'm one of the few people...

I'm the only person you're ever going to meet who made a movie with Donald Trump. First of all, let me just say that right now. He owned the Home Alone 2. He owned the hotel, and eventually we knew we were going to have to put him in the movie. I made a movie with a Donald Trump lookalike.

Donald Trump look-a-lick. Yeah? What was that? Pizza Man. In 1990, it was made on a budget of a half a million dollars. I was the Pizza Man. And it was all about how this Pizza Man was trying to get just his $15.23 for the pizza. And he uncovers his web of crime and it leads to all these look-alikes. Um,

Michael Dukakis, anyone who... And the big villain at the end is Donald Trump. We forget that he was, like, famous. I did a... People didn't hate him in New York at that time. I was at a party with Alec Baldwin and him at the SNL for it. Oh, no, of course. And it was like... And everybody seemed to be getting along. Oh, yeah. The thing about it is, like, here's what needs to happen. We cannot have... I mean, here's what I think would be a better idea. Because people, the scrutiny that you must go through...

to become president or to run for high office in this is unbelievable. So I think you just take the most talented guys that there is, and it's like a sentence. You got to do this for four years, and we got to pick between those guys, and they have no way out. So you have to choose. Well, Elon Musk can't win, but he's from South Africa. I'm a big fan of him. But yeah, but I'm saying, though, you do have...

You know, just the way I believe about the presidential thing and the whole thing is if you want to be president, that should automatically disqualify you from running for that office. But that's a catch-22 that we could never get around. We can't. But why do we need these leaders all the time? We should – I am against what's happening, which is a consolidation of – here's my problem. I'm not a Trump supporter. We have to know that right now. I think he has – I think at the end of the day, he was –

What I want to have is a fractured government and not having the powers of the executive branch, the executive branch running everything, which is what's happening now. You can't just make 125. You should have like it's just like in football or baseball. But they get two referees. You throw the flag and then that's the one you get. That's your executive order. You get two per year and you can't have 125. Now, why did you rise in your chair to make that point? I mean,

I love the glasses around it. Do you think there'll be some reading here during the show? I can't see shit. This is a nightclub. I'm fucking old. This is club random. I'm fucking old. You're not going to need glasses here. Okay, all right. In fact, it's probably better if you don't see a lot of the stuff. I'm old. Oh, you saw the dolphin thing?

Let me put the glasses on and take a look. You and I. Holy shit, I do remember that. You and I did a sketch. San Francisco. 2000. Yes. Unpolitically incorrect. That's right. Because the big story in the day was Elian Gonzalez. I remember. A Cuban boy who washed on shore. Yeah. I mean, people don't remember, and I'm sure young ones, you don't have any reason to know this. This would not be a story today. No one would give a shit.

Oh, I think they would. You think they would? A Cuban kid? Okay, people don't remember. Yeah. I mean, people have been trying to get out of Cuba for the longest time because I think we would agree communism is evil. I've always said Ronald Reagan never was more truthful than when he said it's an evil empire. Communism is horrible. Yeah, soulless. So any of you kids who think it might be worth another try, read something about it.

Okay, so this kid, Elian Gonzalez, and his mother left Cuba, trying to make the 90 miles to Miami on a raft, on a rubber tire. The mother dies on the trip. Elian washes up on shore. He has relatives there who take him in like an uncle. They were a little bit of a sketchy family. And it became one of the first examples of partisanship,

Like, no, we're just not going to care about anything but what team we're on. Because the Republicans, who were always like the family value people, they were like, no, Cuba is evil, which it was, the government. So he should stay here because this is America and America is the best place. And the Democrats were like, no, he should be with his father. He still has a father in Cuba. And it turned out that was the right thing. I mean, Cuba is a troubled place, but it was better to be with the family who...

Okay. But that was a very tough call for people. So I played... People are so politicized. When you have family members murdered by Castro and you're in South Florida, and then the idea, I mean, it just brings up these hot-button things. But do you remember sitting on my lap? Because I was in the... I was the dolphin that you rode...

to America on, and you were Elian Gonzalez. That's right. I had the T-shirt. Yes, I know that was 20 years ago. Can you believe we were ever that young? Can you believe that people, no one complained about the sketch either? Why would they? Because they're not just saying everybody complains about everything. Right, and you were playing someone who was not exactly what you are. I could have done the whole thing, but I didn't do it.

How ballsy was Pacino's just taking that choice? I'm going to do this for the whole movie for Scarface and I'm going to commit to it like a man. You have to see that movie Scarface as a black comic. Right. It's very similar in my view to Apocalypse Now. Yes. Apocalypse Now, which, you know, a great Vietnam movie, but it's not like Platoon. The tone is completely different. It's a black comic.

Yes, Kubrick's movie too. To a degree, yes. If you see Kubrick's... Oh, yes. Full Metal Jacket. Full Metal Jacket. If you see it as a comedy, you will get more out of it. Me so horny. Me so horny. I show you good time. And then that got into a song. Remember that? No, no. By 2 Live Crew? You remember 2 Live Crew? Yeah, I remember 2 Live Crew. It was like the first rap I ever bought. That's when I knew I'd made it when Jay-Z put me in the song. Me so horny.

Jay-Z put me the song back in like 2000 or whatever. Jay-Z? Yeah. And it was something like, like a Deuce Bigelow. And I went like, holy shit.

That movie's like, holy fuck, that must have made... Oh, that one holds up. Thank you. They wouldn't let me do that again. I like that Amy Poehler's embarrassed that she was ever in it, because they would never have that. Disney made that movie with someone who has Tourette's syndrome. Who's embarrassed? Amy Poehler. She's embarrassed about what? Being in it. That was her first movie role. Before she got Saturday Night Live. I don't know. She never talks about it. That's her first role she ever had. How do you know she's embarrassed by it?

Because I was so funny. I was one of those fucking things where, you know, just flipping late night channels. You don't think you're going to get like a public fuck you from anybody. Oh, I get it. And two of the girls, Gayle O'Grady and Amy Poehler, and they were watching. They're playing celebrity poker. And I go, oh, they were both in Deuce Bigelow. And they start and they announce what their credits were. And none of them said my movie. I went, ah, fuck. Why do I watch TV? Yeah.

listen to this two times within one month this happened to me i'm in bed like at night and when i watch tv at the end of the day that's my you're not supposed to because your eyes you know you wear blue no i mean you shouldn't wear blue blockers because like the light is telling your body stay up and you're trying to go to sleep but that's what i want to do at the end of the day it's the most passive thing i don't want to read i already read a lot okay i want to watch tv so yeah i'm in bed i'm ready to go to sleep

I was watching this show on Showtime. It was about Uber and the founding of Uber called Super Pumped. Have you heard of it? No, but I've taken an Uber. All right. It was with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, who was terrific. And OK, I was especially interested. It was an interesting subject because I know Travis Kalanick, whatever his name is, who was the Uber founder. He had a

Very dramatic rise and fall they threw him out of his own company, you know, you know, he was very brash and brilliant But brash blah blah blah So I'm watching this and also I knew I were from reading the reviews that there was a part in there because Arianna Huffington my dear one of my dearest friends for 30 years Okay had a part because she was on the board of uber. She came in at a certain point is kind of one of their saviors and

So I was like, "Oh, and Uma Thurman is playing Ariana Huffington." And I'm like, "Oh, this is awesome. I can't wait to see somebody play Ariana." And so I'm waiting, and she doesn't make an appearance until, like, the fourth episode. And when she does, her first line is, she goes up to Travis, he's had a bad day, and she's going, "Travis!"

the bad boy of Silicon Valley. And he's like, please, Ariana, I had a bad day. She says, oh, don't worry about it. I've had to have lunch with Bill Maher and Pat Buchanan. Like, had to have lunch? Like, you think one of my best friends in the world would say that? But like, when you're sitting in bed, waiting to go to sleep, and you're like, oh, I just want to drift off. And then like, you are an asshole. Oh, wait a minute.

I'll be up for another two hours. It's so funny because, like, I remember when it was the guys from South Park did an episode, which was very funny. And I have to say, you know, my friend from The Simpsons, Matt Selman, said they could have been way meaner. But they were like, you know, I was like with the third movie that I'd done. Rob Schneider is an animal. Rob Schneider is a male prostitute. Rob Schneider is a girl. Whatever. So they said Rob Schneider is a stapler.

Rob Schneider is a carrot because sometimes a carrot doesn't, and it was very funny. And my friend, like Matt Selma from The Simpsons, a genius writer, he said they could have been meaner, you know. But I just remember, like, how people wanted that to hurt you. You know, they was like, did that, you see? You know what I mean? They wanted the, did it make it, did it bleed, did it cut you? Exactly. You know? No, I know.

No, and, you know, those guys, look, there is no bigger fan in the world of their movie that they did with the puppets. Oh, my God. A Team America? Team America. Team America is one of the greatest comedies ever made. It is really one of the greatest. It is brilliant on every level, and I have to give it up to those guys. And the fact that that's not the biggest movie makes me so fucking angry at the public. I don't really ever watch South Park, A, because I'm loyal to my boyfriend, Seth MacFarlane.

And that's Pepsi and Coke. You're a good man. Exactly. And I love my family guy. I know people love it, and I'm sure it's very clever. And they're clever. And that movie is just genius. I could watch it every day. But... Will you ask Seth MacFarlane why he fucking put... I get these fucking... Every once in a while, some social media thing like, Rob Schneider strangles migrant farm workers in the shower.

And Seth did that on Family Guy, one episode. That's one of those things like- What does that even mean? I don't understand, but please ask Seth. But the whole point is like- Wait, you're strangling farm workers in the shower? Yes. But I don't get what the joke is. I will tell you, it's something in one of their episodes, and it's enough where like- But why? I've heard it so many times from people coming up to me. It's just one of those things. I'm just, pop culture enough where people can go, well, that guy, safe to go after.

But not strangling migrants. I want to know what the connection was. I don't understand. I don't know it. But it's just one of those things like you have to just like... Okay, so anyway, here's my end of my story about the South Park guys. Okay, yeah. So I was thinking about watching that show at one point. And then I read it. They're doing a Playboy interview. And like one of them says something like...

kind of out of the blue. I mean, whatever the question was, but they're talking about their personal life. And he was like, well, I don't want to be in my 40s like Bill Maher and still going to the Playboy Mansion. I just remember thinking...

Trust me, asshole. When you're in your 40s... You're going to wish you were there. You're going to fucking wish you were there. As a matter of fact, one of the last... People should know, when you take gratuitous shots, people in show business are sensitive. We all are. I know. And I'm sure I've done it to people. But when you do it,

they notice and it's not like there's not a ripple in that pond that goes out it's not like it doesn't happen and it does but the fact of the matter is we have to like be we're super hypersensitive and we shouldn't be two guys i'm doing a fucking show after this we wouldn't be in this business you have to have the hypersensitivity and a huge ego you gotta have both it's got to be low self-esteem and and a fucking giant ego for no reason to back it up we're not

normal. We're not. But like tonight, after here, I gotta go do a show on Melrose with two people who fucking I know hate me, you know? Pat Noswald and this other comedian. But they wrote a book, and both the books they shit on me. And it's like, you know what? Who I hate is not those guys as much as the friends who tell you. Did you read that in the book? You know that friend who tells you? Okay.

Okay, wait a second. What is the show and why do you have to do this? I don't know because Adam Carolla reached out to me. Adam Carolla reached out, we do this gig for me. It's going to be on Melrose. And I said, yeah, you're coming in. What a gig on Melrose. It's at the Improv. Just come to a set. And I said, absolutely. I'll fucking comment on it.

I can't make me understand what is... I understand who Adam Carolla is. I know where Melrose is. I got a movie coming out called Daddy Daughter Trip and I'm doing press. I never do press anymore because I don't give a shit about anything. Why are you burying the lead about plugging something? You're on something that people are going to hear. You're like trying to hide it. Okay, I got a movie coming out. Yeah, so anyway, I'm doing this...

He had a movie coming out. He called me up. What is the name of the movie? Daddy Daughter Trip. Okay, where is this on? It's the only movie. My wife won't let my kids see. Where is this movie on? It's going to be just playing in Arizona to start. Oh, it's a theater movie. It's a theater movie, yeah. And then it's going to go out otherwise. So you're doing this thing on Melrose to plug it?

Well, I went on Adam today. Okay. Adam Carolla's show. Love Adam. And then I'm on a company of yours. And I'm doing some promotion to promote the movie coming up. And so he said, you come down and do a set. I didn't know it was going to be like Patton Oswalt and Sarah Silverman. And I love Sarah. But like, I just, it was just a weird. Right. You're with some super woke comedians. Yeah. And I don't need that shit. Sweetheart, I don't either. And I love Sarah. I don't know Patton that well, but Patton and I.

He came after me once. Yeah. And then I saw him at a dinner. We patched it up. It was nice. He was... He had a... He shit on me in his book. Yeah, he shit on me once on Twitter. But, like, at this... And... It's, like, the thing about it is, like, he shouldn't. But... Well, he should stop, like so many of the people in show business...

Stop being indoctrinated. You know what? There's liberalism and then a lot of you are just fucking indoctrinated. Yes, and like, what a pussy this guy is. Let me tell you about Patton Oswalt. Here's the thing that bothers me. Talk about whatever you want and like, I get it and he's brilliant, blah, blah, blah, but...

He fucking took a picture with Dave Chappelle and fucking apologized for it. That is a pussy. What a fucking pussy. I've never apologized for a fucking joke in my life. And believe me, when I did the Netflix special I did last time, they cut fucking, they cut 15 minutes out.

out 15 wait wait you have a netflix special i came out well thank you it came out two years ago during the okay well okay i probably saw it but two years ago two years but i'm saying though they cut the stuff out you know and it's a god bless them that they got their thing but like there's some stuff that i wish they wouldn't have

But that's like... Well, I must say... I'm not bitter. You can tell. I must say they didn't do a very good job of promoting it. They didn't. Because I would have watched it. If I knew you had a special... Oh, thank you. I would totally be there. The only reason I didn't see that is because I never knew about it.

And that's not really on you. Well, I think that they... Yeah, they have a lot of content. They get so big, they just... But... They push their big guys. Yes, of course. But I like... I mean, the stuff that they cut out was stuff that Chappelle did in his... You know, it's the same subject matter. I mean, I'm not taking away from Chappelle. He's a genius. You know, he's the, you know, of that generation, the best comedian for sure.

You know, he came after us. Do you really believe that or do you just have to say that? Yes. You do? I do. I mean, I'm a huge fan of his, but I also think people just, at some point, people just line up behind an opinion because it is the correct opinion. I think, well, I mean, I will say. I mean, there's a number of comedians who I think are great, including myself. He, yes, absolutely. Yeah.

I just did a special. Your last special was great. Thank you. And the thing about it was, like, you say opinions. That's what I love about it, because, like, you're one of the few guys who will say an opinion that is contrary against the fucking mob. Yes. And you have to do that. And that's why, like, my act and what I'm doing now is contrary to the opinion. And I don't mind being conservative, because...

I'm not a conservative. I'm fucking traditional liberalism. But traditional liberalism gets fucking shoved into a corner, and they call us right-wingers. We're fucking not. It's very hard to put labels on things. We won't go back into the Trump thing. To me, that's a bridge too far. But there is lots of things you and I

hold hands on. There's lots of things where we are cousins in a meadow. Absolutely. Cousins in a meadow? I'm going to move up again to physically be intimidating. Here's the thing. Bill, it's like this. It's like traditional liberalism. It's like, I'm for fucking free speech. Guys who do that with me. This is going to really drive...

I know you don't agree with me, but this is going to really drive home the point if I touch your knee. Right there. That's my point. And so you have traditional liberalism. And what happened, in my opinion, was they have no fucking place else to go. So they kept going anyway. It's like the gay rights movement.

Needed to happen for sure it's the civil rights of the fucking 70s and 80s right gay people need to have the right to adopt children if they want to and have a family and they should not be they should get health fucking insurance or you know they need to fuck if they want to be just as miserable as me as the old joke right but get married yes you know

I'm all for it. Right. What happened was they went to go live their life and improve neighborhoods so that we could move into it after it gets improved. Right. They can risk their lives, build up that neighborhood. And then all of a sudden it's an arty area now that used to be a poor area. Right. And then what happened was they left to go live their lives in the freest fucking country in the history of the world. And they left the door open and the crazy gay people snuck in at that for for different rights that actually.

aren't a problem there aren't and i hate to say i don't know if it was other gay people no no no it's the crazy people who are it's like it's like just yes i mean i i certainly andrew sullivan talks about it yes i love andrew sullivan he's so he's so sensible he is it's like no there is that's called a conservative now well he was fairly conservative liberal but not crazy conservative no but you could you can sit down and love love having dinner absolutely and i do

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But I'm certainly on your page in general that what happened with liberalism is an actual undoing of liberalism. In fact, that's in the thing I'm writing this week that's going to be on Friday. Illiberalism in the guise of liberalism. Right. Like what Carla said. That they...

You know, they go 10 subway stops past what made sense. You know, what you were just saying about gay marriage and stuff, that made sense. And then we have to like fall asleep on the F train and wake up at men are pregnant.

Yeah, I'm sorry. That's what happened. Exactly. We fell asleep on the train, and when it came to the end of the line, we were at men are pregnant. And if you say they can't get pregnant, you're fucking kicked off Twatter. Right. But that's a lunacy that we have to fucking call. But the thing about it is that the liberalism, just to make it simplified, a bunch of fucking pussies that won't call bullshit on bullshit. And the people that do, we get grouped in as, like me, I get grouped in as a right winger now.

And I'm not. Right. Well, that also has to do with the medical aspect, which you and I both have

Got our share of shit about oh, yeah, and I don't think it should be a political issue at all We can becomes a political issue because the people who believe that I should be able to make medical decisions Which are personal decisions outside of politics. I should be able to make all of those on my own that has cost my money anything else especially in a country that has done such a huge

shit job keeping its population healthy. And then you want to tell me, oh, follow these people. Well, I don't want to. I want to follow. Obama told me, if you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor. Well, I do like my doctor, and I have kept more than one doctor, but they all are at variance.

With what Fauci and a lot of other people say. And I want to follow my doctors. When doctors are afraid to actually say what they think what's best for the patient, there's no drug that's 100% safe 100% of the time for 100% of the people. And you have to, where there is risk, where there is risk, there must be choice. Or we don't have freedom. It's medical. And we all have different health profiles. I mean, the idea that they tell you from Washington, I'll do this.

Like, what other thing that you went to the doctor for would they ever do that? I mean, if you had a decent doctor, he would look at everything. He would look at your history.

Your profile. You have to weigh risk for war. All the different factors. If he was a real good doctor, he'd also say, and what do you eat? And how many metals do you have in your body? How much do you spend time on your phone with the thing next to your head? There's a million different factors. How many x-rays have you had? How much mercury? You know, all these things. But that's not the country we live in. The country we live in is, you do it our way. This is one thing we do for the, and it's mostly, you

you know, for the people who care for themselves the least. Now, that's your choice. That is the choice. But I don't want to have to... We have to say this, and it's hard, because there is a kindness underneath this, but that kindness is fucking killing people. Correct. The liberalism is their way to think. It is the right way. Freedom. Freedom of speech. Freedom to choose what you want to do. But what happens is, when we get to the point where we say...

We have to accept everybody as they are. We have to accept these obese people. I'm sorry. If any weight is healthy, what about anorexic people? I'm sorry. That's not fucking healthy. And we have to stop being political about health. I'm going to just correct this because I bet you don't mean it either. We have to accept all people. Yes. And love all people. Exactly. What we don't have to do, this was my editorial last week. Of course, they all went nuts on Twitter about it.

What we don't have to do is accept lies like healthy at any weight.

Yes, we have to be. That's a lie, and I don't accept lies. You know, people said to me, your thing about obesity last week, it wasn't about obesity. I've done those before. My thing last week was about lying. Just don't lie to me. Don't tell me healthy at any weight. And we do that all the time. We do that. What happens is it's under the mask of kindness, which is fucking things up. I was very good friends with Dick Gregory. Same thing with homeless. Well, Dick Gregory. You mentioned homeless? Yes. Well, Dick Gregory, if I talk about the fatness, Dick Gregory.

Dick Gregory, who was really the Jackie Robinson of comedy. He really was. And we had a nice documentary that Andre, I'm sorry, I forget his name now, who directed it. He did a beautiful job. And the family is a beautiful family. This guy used to have to break down walls. Yes.

to get obese people out so that they didn't die in this place and get them on this diet of this, just a literally a liquid diet until they could lose hundreds of pounds and they did. And this guy dedicated his life to this. So we can't just...

ignore the fact it is not kind. You can love everybody. Right. But let's talk about how to get people healthy. With homeless, it's not kind. It isn't. To leave them on the street. This is my thing and your thing, I think, about going 10 subway stops past where we should be. With homelessness, somehow they got to the place where not getting them off the streets was compassion.

Right? How dare you? Yeah. You can't... What? That would be the old way of being compassion. You don't have a house. I'm going to try to get you one and put you in one. Yes. But now the compassion is... No. That's their what? Lifestyle? That's what happens. What are they, sleeping under the stars? Well, it is...

It is under the mask of kindness. There's an ugliness. And what happens is there is... There's a stupidity sometimes. It is. Well, you have it in San Francisco. And Sam, let me tell you, I never thought I... I know that's your place. Oh, my God. I never thought I'd give it up. I had a place with a view. You know what I'm just remembering now? A rooftop. I used to go to a nightclub you owned. Yes, yeah, the DNA Lounge. The DNA Lounge. When I used to like...

Do stand up and then go to clubs. Oh, yeah. Those are fun times. Oh, my God. I want to, I always say this. I'm going to write, when I write my memoirs, it's going to be called Who Was In My Body?

Because poo was in my body when I used to go out to clubs. Oh, yeah. Like alone. Like I'd do a show and then tell the driver, yeah, take me to the DNA Lounge. But I loved that club. That was fun. When that was going off, because San Francisco is a town, I must tell you, where it's hard to find the party.

Yes, it is. It's clicky. Yes, yes. It's, you know, it's a little snobby. For sure. It's small, you know. And so I never, but that place. I had that place wired. Let me tell you something else. You did. I had it wired. And also like when I had like a movie star. Yeah. Yeah.

Right? When you own a club, that was fun at the time. I know, I lost money and it was worth every penny. But let me tell you, I had a movie star. Who was in your body that you started a fucking disco? Well, the thing about it was my brother at the time, he was looking for something to do to be fun. And my dad and I made the mistake of surrounding him with women while he was married. Women and drugs. At the club? At the club.

Well, it was just there. Right. It was a club. It was the end of the 80s, early 90s. Right. Some of that druggie kind of thing in there. But it was a fun, special time. But at the same time, what happened? I thought I'd never give up that San Francisco place. I'm talking about when the Angels planes come by. Blue Angels. Blue Angels, yeah. From my rooftop.

of my condo, it was a 100-year-old building, I could see the helmet and the glasses on the dude. They would buzz it. And I had a view of the bay. To me, that was like making it. Why were the Blue Angels flying over San Francisco? No, because they would do it every year, like around July 4th. For what? You'd go up on the roof and you'd, you know, smoke a bong and you'd watch these guys. But what? It must have been for a reason. Oh, no, no, it was just celebrating July 4th. Oh, July 4th. So it was just the Blue Angels every year. But anyway, and then I started getting these bills. I bet you that didn't go over well at Berkeley. Yeah.

Right across the way. I'm sure they hated it. So anyway, then I started getting these bills. This is like not that long ago for literally like you need to remove the toilets in front of your house. And I was like, I don't have toilets in front of my house. What are you talking about? And so I went out there and they were using the flowerpots.

As toilets. The homeless? Yes. And now, let's go back and realize when this started. And it was under the Reagan administration. I guess you could say that's considerate. Yeah. At least they were using the flower pots. Fertilizer. They're actually the very... I understand your tomatoes were amazing that year. But it was Reagan that fucked it up by closing...

By closing mental health places. Yes. And that was the beginning of the end of that. And then you had, it just was a slow build. And now you have a point where in San Francisco, it's crazy. You can't, they have this, you know, you have this, they give you drugs. People come from all over the world to get the free drugs in San Francisco. Right. That's a point where this is enabling.

If you were the mother, they would come and say, you've got to stop doing this. You're enabling your kid to do these drugs. So you have that. And where are these free drugs? Right across from City Hall. It's a joke that really shouldn't work at my age because if anyone thought about it, they'd be like, come on, Bill. You're rich. You're 66. You don't need free drugs.

Write it out into the sunset. That joke, come on, it's an anachronism. Leno would not be. Give it a try. It depends on your audience. It needs a guy that you're rooting for.

But we had fun up in San Francisco when we did that show. Oh. We had just like 3,500 crazy people. I remember. Huge fans of Politically Incorrect. Yeah. And we had a blast. At that time, the show was different than your show now. Oh, yeah. And I love your show. Oh, yeah. Thank you. But the problem is, listen to me, the problem. I'm going to be, here's the problem with your show, is that like there needs, in the old show, we would go half the show that had nothing to do with politics. We would just go off on some funny tangent. That's why I'm doing this.

Well, this, yes. Because this doesn't have to be political, and real time is. I mean, it gets into pop culture issues if they rise, like Johnny Depp trial, if they rise to the level of something that's intellectually nutritious. Where else are there conversations except your show? Exactly. Conversations. Right, about something real. Yeah. Not just about trivial. Look, everybody else is interviewing the third leader.

lead on a sitcom. That's not what I'm interested in. And that's not what I'm doing. And, you know, the show is not... You are more centrist. You've always been a liberal that I respect because there's a liberal with principles. Somehow a liberal and also a libertarian because when Politically Incorrect was first on, all they said, the word that was in every article was libertarian. Because I am a libertarian.

But I'm also a liberal. I'm also a conservative. I'm also whatever works and makes sense. Right, it makes sense. But the problem is now is that you don't have this, you no longer have this debate for better ideas. What you have now is a demonizing and censoring of people. Now that is coming specifically from the party in power and the tech companies, and that's illiberal liberalism. So that's why I've gone down that road of conservatism because you have to fight against this shit.

You have to, because if we continue to give into this shit, the very foundations of what we love about this country are being diminished. Well, they're being they're being diminished and threatened from both sides. I would agree with you. The extremists on both sides, because if you go between the extremists on one side are like 40, at least 40 percent of the party.

of the Republican Party. You really believe that? I don't believe that. That's what the polls show. At least 40% of the party, of the Republican Party, thinks Donald Trump won the election in 2020. That's plainly not the case. Well, what do you say? Here's their argument. Beyond the shadow

Can I just tell you just- He did not win the election in 2020. It's an ultimate deal breaker. I'm here with you. You either come to the Jesus moment on that reality. Okay, but here's where you put your wall up, and I'm just going to ask a question. It's not a wall.

Yes, my wall is reality. That's reality. Trump lost that election. The election is over. This is a fucking wall. Can I ask a question? There's no give in this. No give at all. But then let me just ask a question. You lost that. Then if the certainty is there, obviously. Then he didn't build the wall.

But they are now, but they're not admitting it. We're not finishing the wall. We're cleaning up with the former administration. Is that building a wall? We're not building a wall. We're just simply cleaning up stuff in the form of a wall. We're taking some garbage that was there. I don't know why people need a wall at all. Each guy needs a fucking wall. But wouldn't you say, wouldn't you say, as someone who is not a popular leader, somehow...

In the tally of the votes, and I'm just putting this as a question, he somehow got more votes than Obama. I'm just asking as a question of just... Well, there were more people. I don't even... Obama ran in 2012. He ran in 2020. There are more people. I mean, you know, their arguments are just...

I'm just asking a question. Well, it's a dumb question because it's been two years since the election or more. And we've answered these questions. And again, if you watch any of the January 6th trial, these are, I mean, hearings, these are all... I like that there's no cross... There's all Republicans testifying. But I also like that there's no cross-examination. That's an interesting trial. I would say that's Stalinistic. That was their choice.

That was their choice. Well, they refused to participate in a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But I would say the fact that everybody who we hear from is a Republican is cross-examination enough. Okay. But when you have somebody talking, here's the bullshit. You have to fucking call on this. Let's lose party for a second and say when it's hearsay evidence from somebody who talked to somebody who knew somebody that lived next to somebody who was the driver in the fucking limo,

I mean, look, Trump is not, that was not okay to put yourself over country. That is a gigantic red line that no one should ever cross. That is a, that goes against the last great progressive. Then why are we arguing? No, because at the same time, you have to respect. Then we're done. We're done. But at the same time. Red line you can't cross. You can't cross that. Right. Okay. He did. He did. Okay. That is, that is a, uh.

That will go down in history. Okay. That will go down in history as a gigantic blunder. And, you know, to your point about was there a hearsay? Yes. The thing about grabbing the wheel of the limo, I see that you're kind of upset about that. I agree. It probably didn't happen, and the pee tape probably didn't happen. Well, but then don't show it. Okay, but it doesn't... Don't put that up there. Stick to the facts. There are mistakes, but the facts are...

are, he still hasn't conceded the election. To this day, he has not conceded the election. Okay, that is an ongoing day-by-day act of sedition. That's a big word that I'm going to have to look up and call Jay about. No, look, let me say this. That is a travesty

And that is a detriment to our country. That is a – that goes against the great leaders of our country, the last progressive president of our country who had a lot of issues too. He fucked up with Vietnam. Obviously you can say that after. But you can also say – and the hate list that Nixon had. However –

We have to, when it came time for him to put country first, he did. Yes. That's a detriment to Trump's- Talking about Nixon? Yes. Okay. As long as you're talking about Nixon and not Trump. Right. Nixon is, to me, head and shoulders above Trump.

Even on his drunkest day. Absolutely. I'm not a giant Nixon fan. You should be. And he was pretty shitty in some ways. But yes, absolutely. He was a good guy, man. Before Watergate ensnared him. Can I throw in a joke? Yes. I mean, no, no. He became paranoid. Right. He absolutely was a centrist idiot.

A smart guy. Can I throw one at you? You don't know. You're right. EPA. No, no, no, no. More than just the EPA, the Environmental Protection Agency, making sure that women had a chance to play sports. Right. Title IX. Title IX. He also was for universal health care. Let me just tell you that. Yes. And he was opposed by who? Yes, absolutely. Who was he opposed by? The Democrats.

Edward Kennedy. Really? So now, so you have like people who had a chance to put in stuff. Edward Kennedy was against universal health care? Absolutely. Look it up. I will look it up. The other thing is, is that like. I didn't know that. Well, like talking about abortion. But he was. Since you brought it up. But when, when, okay. Obama had a chance to legislate that and said it's not a list of priorities. Nixon became president in. Yes. Wait a second. 68. 68.

No, he was elected in 68. He took office January 20th, my birthday, 1969. On my half birthday, July 20th, people landed on the moon and Ted Kennedy drove into a river. Yes.

Okay. Yes. So I don't know if that had anything to do with his view of health care. Maybe he was distracted. But I can't believe that Ted Kennedy was against universal health care. You've got to look it up. If I'm wrong about that, I'll keep this chair. But it doesn't matter. The point, the bigger point remains that Nixon was a smart... Even Vietnam, which obviously...

was one of our big tragedies in American history. That's not just the tragedy of Vietnam, but it's Laos and it's Cambodia that had nothing to do with the fucking war and it bombed them anyway. It was not easy. It's always easy to get into a war. It's hard to get out. Yes. And Nixon did...

Get out, but of course it took a whole four years now could somebody and done better Yes, probably but I don't know I can't remember and it's too far back in time all I know is in Sean Penn's great movie about I Forget the name of the word and Nixon's in the title, but there's a guy in here because he's a salesman That's the party's playing and he says Richard Nixon ran for office in 1968

on the platform of getting America out of Vietnam. Yes. He didn't do it, and in 1972, he ran on the platform of getting America out of Vietnam.

That's a salesman. Right? And it's true. Well, my dad voted for him in 68 because he was talking about getting us out of that war. Right. So that's the thing about people need to know that, like, people fight for domestic things on a very – not even enough of them, frankly, because they won't go up – they don't – won't go up against the pharmaceutical, you know, corporations.

controlled government that we have now. But at the same time, the foreign policy stays the same. That's why like 40 billion in Ukraine, God knows how much is getting to the front or whatever. It's extending this conflict and it's both parties. Both parties are wrong about this. And like there are very few journalists to step up. We have to let, first of all, we should have never allowed it to become a fight. We should have turned

We should have, I mean, Gorbachev, let me tell you, Gorbachev was promised by James Baker, was promised not 10 steps past Poland. That's a long time ago. I know it is, but I'm telling you that the Russians were told that not 10 steps past Poland. That was the promise, and now they're at the border post.

putting missiles at the border. Just imagine China putting missiles in Mexico. - But that was the last century and Gorbachev was-- - Okay. - I think Gorbachev was one of the-- - But let's talk about missiles in Mexico. - One of the greatest statesmen in history who hasn't gotten his due. - Hasn't, but he will. Let me tell you this. - Yes, he will in history. - Let's take China wanting-- - Oh, let's not. - Let's put China putting missiles in Mexico pointed to us.

That's what we're talking about with missiles from NATO pointed at Russia, from Ukraine. So I just want to say, because that goes against the grain from what everybody wants to do. What time is your double date with... I quit. I'm not doing another show tonight. I'm going to stay here till midnight. What time is your double date with Patton Oswalt? I don't know. No, first of all, he's a funny comic. I don't mean to shit on him, but I thought... No, neither one of us shit on him. I think the photo thing pissed me off. I don't blame you. When he tweeted about me, whatever he was, it pissed me off. But what I'm saying is, you know...

apropos to our discussion about the country at large. Yeah. When I saw Patton, I came to some dinner. I remember it was like a year after, I don't know, two years, who knows? I smoked pot. And, um, my phone's ringing. I'm supposed to be at that club. I'm not going to do it. I'm not doing it. Bitch. Sorry, I can't talk now. That's all right. I'll wrap it up. But when I went to, I saw this, I went to a dinner. I think Al Franken was there. Sarah was there. Yeah. And I didn't know

Patton was there. I could have been like, you know, this fucking asshole. He, you know, and I think it was something I said about Islam, which I'm clear-eyed about and not an Islamophobe and not a racist. It's a religion, not a race. We won't get into that. But yes, it's one of those issues where the woke...

are very, very benighted. And I'm clear-eyed about it without being, you know, I think in any way. You know, when they attack people like that beautiful woman, what's her name? Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Ayaan Hirsi Ali. She's a hero. Absolutely. The fact that she's not embraced by the liberal intelligentsia says so much about the liberal intelligentsia. Sam Harris tells a great story about a bunch of white girls walking out on Ayaan Hirsi Ali.

You're kidding. Yeah. That's a crime. Someone who was brought up in Somalia and was the victim of genital, you know. Genital mutilation. Genital mutilation and lots of other horrible, petricidal nonsense. Oh, unbelievable. That Western women pretend that they're so against. And then she goes to the, then she goes, let's continue. She goes to Holland. The point is. Becomes a legislator. I certainly thought he was out of line with whatever he tweeted about me.

But instead of, like, when I was younger, I probably would have been like, oh, I'm not even talking to him. Yeah. You know, because we were always feuding when we were young. I was like, okay, you know, maybe he had a bad day, or maybe we can talk this out. So, like, that's what America has to do. Yes. Like, I don't hate you. You said one thing which I really thought was out of line, but, you know, maybe if I just engaged you, and that's exactly what happened. And I wound up talking to him about health, and he wound up saying something.

I have emails, or I don't have them, but I had them, that were like, oh, you know, you really saved my life. Because I'm doing this, like, I hipped him onto this, like, certain kind of fast you could do and stuff like that. I mean, that's what America has to do. And he's really a, I mean, he's a super talented guy. Sure. And a great guy. He's clearly, like, again, I think some of these people get... Hardworking, brilliant guy. ...indoctrinated.

into stuff. I think they watch too much MSNBC all day. It's coming from a place of trying to be so fucking nice. It is. Of being so perfect. Exactly. You're no longer a human being. Right. And I just want to talk to them. But

Again, you have to talk to people. And of course, it's the same thing with the right. I mean, you and I argued tonight. Yeah. But it wasn't. It was wonderful. We can disagree and still love each other and still respect each other. There's not one moment where I said to myself...

Rob isn't agreeing with me fully on this. I hate him and he's stupid. That's not what I said at all, even in my mind. That's where we have to go. That is. And that's where we're not that far apart. Because once you have conversations, the problem is we don't have a media that is allowing dissent and conversation. And so you don't really have any objectivity. And I will tell you this story from, I won't say his name, but like a friend of mine who's a

former Fortune 500 CEO, was having a conversation with the publisher of the New York Times. And he was saying there seems to be a lack of –

Of a certain discernibility to which side you're leaning towards. And he was trying to be very – just like a CEO would be. Very, very calm and also not deliberate and not attacking. And he said, I feel it is my – and the New York Times – the publisher is like, I feel it is my moral duty.

above and beyond anything to make sure that Donald Trump does not become president again. And while I agree that Donald Trump, there's clearly that happening. Yeah, that's not really the job of the newspaper. But it is. We can't have it. Just tell me the facts. You have to. Because the facts about Donald Trump are so damning

that you don't need to put your thumb on the scale. I mean, just the fact that, you know, if you go down the road and see the times that he'd had, you know, his buildings built and didn't pay people, that says all you need to know. Right. That's it. However, you have like,

You have to also respect – there is something about like – even though I couldn't say that he had respect for the office himself. I do think that we need to continue to have respect for our office. We need to respect the executive branch. We need to definitely respect the judicial branch. That is very alarming.

To me, you know, Thomas Sowell is, you know, brilliant. Oh, I love him. He's 92 now. Love him. But he's talking about like, we have, 92. He said, we have crossed the Rubicon here where we can threaten judges. That is very unique. And that is the reason why that's a law. That that is happening and that is not being prosecuted. Rob. That's a real issue. The kids who don't know Von Ribbentrop. What are they going to make about the Rubicon?

Well, I will say, look, the fact that you and I... Yes. I'm so glad we did this. Can I tell you that? It's been a long time. It's been too long. One of the great things about this fucking Club Random thing is there's not a lot, but a few people who I really haven't connected with ever before.

but I always wanted to. I knew them, but didn't really know them. And then I sit here and it's like, oh my God, we wasted a lot of years. I feel like we wasted a lot of years, but I hope we don't waste. I hope we don't. No, because I enjoy talking to you so much. Oh, thanks. And I so appreciate the balls you have to not, you know, Kanye West, who I have, like everyone, some issues with lots of stuff. But when he said about Trump,

The mob can't make me hate him. I was like, I love you for that. And you know how I feel about Trump. But the mob can't make me, exactly. Somehow we have to keep both those things in our mind at the same time. I can hate Donald Trump and I can love Kanye West for saying the mob can't make me hate him. And you, I feel like, among a very few people, the mob doesn't make you, your career, whatever it is, they can threaten. The mob can't make you

Do what you don't believe or what you don't think. That is to me something that I find I'm so admiring of that. Thank you. I really appreciate that. And it has cost me dearly in this bullshit show business thing. But I will say this. And it's just like, you know, a guy like Mark Twain who just – this is one we didn't have. Our presidents weren't –

weren't getting some kind of pension. And Grant, at that time, was writing his autobiography to make money. - Ulysses S. Grant. - Ulysses S. Grant. And he went there and helped him out. - Civil War general and president of the United States from 1869. - This guy broke. Yeah, and it broke. - To 1877, yes. - He wanted to make sure that his wife could pay off this farm. - President after Andrew Johnson. That misunderstood bastard. - Mark Twain went there and helped him finish that book.

and did that for the country. Is that right? I never knew that. Mark Twain finished Grant's book because I know Grant was on his deathbed. He wanted the money for his family. Yes. And Mark Twain came in. Mark Twain went there and absolutely did. You know what? I thought when I read it I saw some Twain in there. Okay.

I was like, I feel like it was either Mark Twain or Robert Towne, but somebody fucking ghost wrote that shit. But that is something, that's a guy like, to me, if, that like, I really respect that incredible man, Samuel Clemens. And I do feel like he was aware of his time. Yes. And I do feel like you have to, for whatever reason, whatever fame, whatever I've had, I think you have to be somewhat, um,

aware of our times in our times right be hanging out with dick gregory made me you know he if he said are you hung out with him well yeah well i knew dick pretty darn good you know because i had like 20 years ago they you know when i died recently right he did yeah and he was out there last time i told him okay call him uh just say hi he yelled at me because i called from hawaii i was doing some show over there with adam sandler and i call him up and he said he said

So what do you call me right now for? And I went like, Dick, I just want to tell you I love you. I haven't told you. You know I got to go on stage in 45 minutes? I mean, don't you? Come on, you know what it's like. I'm going to go on over my shit, man. I was like, I'm sorry, Dick. Last time I ever spoke to him. But the thing was, like, Dick was...

He would have jokes about like by the time he would bring America together with his jokes, very much like George Carlin did. But he would say before George Carlin was Dick Gregory. And he would say, like, by the time they finally I was able to eat in a diner next to a white man, they didn't have anything I wanted. And I said, no, that's I got to. Yeah, he was good. I got to look him up.

I know all this biography, but I... Put country before career at some point. This country's given me everything. And for someone like, from my background, who, you know, mixed race background, I do feel like I've always kind of felt like an outsider. When you're Asian and American... Yeah, you've got to play that card more. Well, I don't, because I don't want to be that fucking guy.

To be like, you need one Asian. You know, who needs that shit? I know it's the time to do it, right? It really is. You're a person of color. I just need that. And I need some kind of sexual abuse that happened to me. And then I got the whole package. All right. Well, we can arrange the abuse. All right. Thank you. Hey, this was great. Let's do it again. Give me a big monkey fox hug.