Rachel Bilson | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. My mom put me on birth control when it was the appropriate time. It's just like certain things. What was the appropriate time? Well, 12. No. DC Cab is still very popular. There's a lot of classic movies that I've never seen. That is hardly a classic movie. Hi. How you doing? Nice to meet you. I've been a fan of yours.

And then I read about you controversially and I say, you know what? I have to, I am Hollywood's ombudsman to when people get into trouble. Yes, of course. I've rehabilitated many people like Kathy Griffin and not that you need rehabilitation, but when I saw you get into trouble for something, we don't have to talk about it right now, but like, I was like, Oh, I just wanted to meet you. You're, you're good at what you do. Thank you. And, uh,

And your podcast, it's just girls, right? No, it's actually not. It's a little girl heavy, but it's not just girls. Oh, I thought it was girls talking about the things that only they can say. We do do that a lot. But yeah, we have everybody. Why can't I say it?

Say what? Whatever the... Yeah, why can't you say it? I'm asking, whatever girls are saying that I'm not supposed to say, why can't I say it? I feel like you can and you should. I feel like we make too many, you know, lanes and lines. Of course. How could you possibly... There was a lady who wrote a book... A lady, a fine author. Yeah. Who wrote a book...

What was it called? Oh, it was called American Dirt. Okay. And it was a white lady who imagined what it would be like to be a Mexican immigrant, you know, which we used to call empathy. I think that was a noble thing. And Oprah did too until the world came down because like how could you, white lady, know, well, I can't, but I'm imagining to try to like get under your skin and not feel in a sympathetic way. Right.

Well, I mean, it's like the same thing even with acting. Like, you know, nobody can play anything else. Same thing, right. Same exact thing, right? It's just, there's a lot of sensitivity. Right, God forbid you're in West Side Story. Right. Because next thing they'll tell us is, you know, street gangs don't dance. Right.

They should you know, I really feel like they should I think it would solve a lot But yeah, I think that it's just all part of it and it's there's just so much sensitivity and you have to be so careful and all of that but have you run into that and Acting like anything that you like they said well, you can't do that because you're this no not not yet you know, I think that I

There are people that, like, you can't play, let's say you're in a wheelchair or something. It's like, no, well, you know, like, you can't. Definitely don't, no. Definitely. They'd be very mad at that. They'd be very, very mad, which, of course, you know, but then you look at all the things that have happened in history with movies and whatnot and performances, and so it's like, where is the line drawn? I don't really know. Well, it's also, I think, bad for...

the people who are actually in the wheelchair or trans, say. Like, you know, you're not supposed to play trans unless you are. But that's not a good deal for the trans person or the wheelchair person if it works in reverse. You really only want to play trans

Well, I guess you only can be a person in a wheelchair. Well, I think that one is a little limiting. But that doesn't have to be the focus of the... It doesn't have to be the focus. Right. Right, right. I mean, for a long time, in every movie where there was a, you know, needed a computer whiz, it was always a guy in a wheelchair. I don't know why they got that into their head, but I think they first... I'm trying to think of movies. Well, the first time I saw it was...

Kevin Costner, not the guy in the wheelchair, of course. No, yeah. He's in his white Navy uniform. Oh, God. It's really good. It's not a few good. That's Tom Cruise, right? A few good. Yeah, that's Tom Cruise. That's Rob Reiner. That's a uniform, but it's not that. No, this is like No Way Out, maybe? I won't be able to think of it. It's him and Gene Hackman. Yeah. And they think he's a Russian soldier.

He's in the Navy, but they think he's a Russian spy. Mm-hmm. And then he is. Oh, sorry. Spoiler alert, if you were going to watch it. Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot of that. I can picture a lot of men like Kevin Costner, Tom Cruise in uniforms on movie posters. I think that happened a lot when I was growing up. What was that? Just like a lot of men in uniforms on movie posters.

Yeah, I think still. You know what? I think maybe you're right. Well, now the uniform is probably spandex because they're superheroes. And, you know, when I was younger, there was... I guess they made Superman movies like every five years, but it just wasn't a thing. It wasn't the Marvel universe. Right. So the... No, there was no universe. Right. So the people who...

You know, where the heroes were people who you could relate to. Right. You know, you can't be Spider-Man, although plenty of kids fucking... You know, yeah. Yeah, for sure. I think looking up to superheroes is a little... There are even movies, at least one or two I've seen, where people... I think they're comedies, but...

They like get a superpower, something uniform thing and they make themselves. But they're just the guy who works at the 7-Eleven. Yeah. And then at night they go out and I bet you people really. 7-Eleven. Whatever they are. Yeah. And then they they really want to live that life. I mean, men, you know, they they say men are in more crisis now than women. Why do you think they say that? Probably too much drugs. Well, then that's always right.

No. Well, because of what we're talking about a little bit, like men, they feel lost because there's not a place for them to be heroic anymore. And society is geared much more toward...

The skills that women have. In other words, we're not in a muscly society anymore. You know, men used to work at the factory and the plants. And now it's more office work and computer screens and communicative is important. It's an information economy. Right. It's not a mill economy. Right. So men lost the thing that they were good at.

Grunt work. Yeah, they're good at swinging axes. Right. Yeah, I mean, I think that...

I mean, I think there's truth to it, you know, and I think because society has changed so much and it's like, oh, I invented an app and I made a billion dollars and then all of a sudden they're now, you know, the most powerful or whatever, you know, or they feel like a man because of money, right? I think, I mean, that's probably always been, but I feel like now even more so because you look at people like Elon Musk or whoever, you know, and they're doing all these things that are just making billions and billions and then people are looking up, not everybody, but some looking up to that.

And it's a different thing. And I think that-- I look up to that. Well, I mean, we all-- I mean, who doesn't look up to, like, billions of dollars? Not-- not-- I've learned to, like, use Twitter judiciously now. Like--

I did a long one about after I saw Barbie. Yeah. I guess that's going back some months. I did one after a Republican debate. And then I post stuff that, you know, just like you say, you're using it to be your own publicist and tell people what and they want to know. Yeah. But but I used to like every day try to like, OK, I'll feed the beast and tweet out some funny little thing. I mean, they're looking for that for me. And

And it's like, it's just not worth it. The problem with Twitter is anything I want to say on Twitter, I can't say on Twitter because they'll just savage you. Right. And just, and the way the society lets the, I'm quite sure they're a small minority, but so powerful, control everything and control what people think and how they follow like fucking sheep. Right. So it's just like,

Yeah. Could I amuse like 95% of you with no problem with some little thing? And by the way, it's a free joke. I remember David Letterman's old girl, Meryl Marko, and I shouldn't identify her that way. She's a genius comedy writer, but that's how people know her. But her books are hysterical. And she said, you know, I finally figured out Twitter. People will read my jokes for free.

You know, and yeah, exactly. Exactly. It's like, I'm doing this for free, but then I got to take all the shit because you got...

bent out of shape about nothing. - Right. - You just look for things to bitch about. - Right. - And other people are too intimidated to go, "That's a stupid thing to bitch about." It's just safer to go, "Yeah, exactly, I feel the same way." - Right. - Right. - Right. - We should not have non-dwarves playing dwarves or dwarves playing non-dwarves. I can't remember which one it is, but whatever it is, I'm on the right side of it, 'cause I'm an ally of dwarves. - I feel like you are.

I am. Right? I'm an ally of everybody. You have to love everybody. Almost everybody except, like, you know. What? The rear guard, MAGA nuts. We're all, I mean, the way they go after normal liberal people like us, like, as if we're conservatives because we don't quite come up to their stupid, unnecessarily stick-up-your-ass regimen. Right. Fuck off. Fuck off.

So, oh, but bring... Yeah. Perfect segue. As you can see, this show has great preparation. Oh, that's how I roll. It's perfect. But the thing that got you... Yeah. Yes, yes. The last one about... Which one? You...

Right. Who are you feuding with now? Oh, Whoopi. Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah, Whoopi came after me. I've feuded with her many times. I'm sure many people have, but I would imagine. I don't ever want to or try. I actually don't take the bait. But look, they have a show five days a week. Right. They got a course. They get sent, like, here are the headlines. Right. Here's the clickbait. Choose something to talk about, right? Exactly. It has to be one of it. So it's good. You gave her something. I gave her something to talk about. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

And that's the same thing with me. And, you know, she says her piece, and I like her. There's no feud there. And also, I'm always preaching, people don't have to agree. They don't have to. They don't have to listen if they don't want to. And they shouldn't. It would be boring. Yeah, I know. But it is also exasperating and infuriating when people...

They just are so stupid and they pick things, they pick something and they talk about it stupidly and then you have to like go, oh my God. I know. That's just, and again, I don't think the vast, vast majority of them mean it. They just don't want to get on the- They have to have something to talk about. What? They just have to have something to talk about. And also no one gets canceled for being too woke. That's the problem is that it's just safer to go, yes-

What was your thing? The first one. I have so many, Bill. No, the one that Whoopi called me out on? No, no, no. Oh, the first thing? Yes. Well, there's like the big dick thing. There's the manhandled thing. I mean, really. Manhandle. Okay. Yeah. Manhandled. Yes, Bill. Let's talk about being manhandled. Manhandled. That's right. That's what I read and it infuriated me. That you just said something wrong.

that you like when you're fucking, you like to be manhandled. Like 95% of women do. Well, yes. You know what? I would just like to say to all of you, if you're lucky enough to have some girl agree to fuck you, then the woman wants you to do it properly. Like a man. Like, not like a boy. Like a man who used to work in the factory. That's right. Swinging axes. You know?

My best friend is my co-host. Her mom is 82, and she was like, everybody wants to get fucking manhandled. That was her response. Of course. But look, in the context of the conversation. Do you have her number? Yeah. You want me to hook you up, Bill? But in the context of the conversation, it was just like, we were just talking. And I was being half funny and comically. There's no apology necessary for any of it. I know. It's hard sometimes, though, to not. It's hard not to throw things at the wall. Yeah.

Spaghetti at the wall all the time. I know. I mean, just because of the double one of it's true. Yeah. And it's unnecessary to get upset about it. So, you know, it's like the hypocrisy of that. Right. Not only shouldn't you be bitching about this, but you know you're not even right. Right. And if you don't like to get manhandled as a woman, yes, there's... What the fuck is wrong with you? How dare you?

I'm out. Yeah. No, you know, of course there's always, I get it, kids, there's always a spectrum of everything in human sexuality. Yes, yes. I think the spectrum they don't talk about enough is the super horny people. But I'll get to that in a minute. No, please do. But there are definitely, all the way from over here is...

What's her name? And she's asexual. I don't know. Okay. I'm not going to say it because I don't want to say it if I get it wrong. Oh, yeah. Then, you know. I wish I could help you out. Not Eleanor Roosevelt. She was a lesbian. No. There is a celebrity who's famously asexual. Okay. Meaning, it's not that you're gay. You have no interest. You have other interests. Right.

I'd rather be stamp collecting or... Stamp? I like that you go to stamp collecting. Sports or... Coin collecting, stamp collecting. Yeah, wine tasting. I have my friends, I have dinner, food. Food. You know, a lot of people are asexual not by choice. But these are people who really, yeah, they're just not that interested. Right. Other interests. And on the other end, you have nymphomaniacs. Yes.

There are truly such a thing. I think porn stars are generally, it's not just, well, it is that. I mean, they're paid a pittance. Yep.

They just... They are addicted to sex. Yeah. Yeah. And... Not all. I don't want to... No, no. God forbid I say that. No, no. We would never say all of it. No, no, no, no, no, no. But yes. Certainly not. There is a form of that. I have a best friend who was in a relationship with a porn star for a very long time. Really? Yes. She didn't know he was actively doing the porn while they were together. Come on. But I swear to God. How did she not know? Isn't it stuff to be seen by the public? I mean...

Yeah, I don't you know, maybe turn a blind eye like one of those things. I'm not sure but it's a friend of yours Yeah, yeah good friend. Yeah one of my best friends. It was an interesting story I guess everybody has their blind spots everybody has their blind spots, you know, I mean It's yes. That was an interesting fucking a porn star and not knowing not knowing well No, I will say when the movie came out. What did he say? You mean one of the hundreds?

Whatever is this? Is it when there was actual movies or is this like recent? This was like recent. Oh, so videos. But somebody must see it and go, oh, hey, there's Ted. Someone did see it and was like, hey, there he is. And someone did see it and discover it and was like, hey, you know. And we looked and like, that's his fucking hair like right now. That's definitely current. And so she discovered it.

that way she knew he did in the past so in all fairness she knew he had been but didn't know he was active but she was not a porn star no because very often porn stars marry each other is that right of course okay you know like um like actors like actors for fuck's sakes yeah right but not you you've never been married what happened what's what's going on there

Not interested? Not for you? Well, let's look at what the possibilities could be. Okay, let's do it. Because one of the possibilities is, you know, would make me really not feel good about myself. Why? Well, what are the possibilities? I didn't want to or B, no one would have. That's the implication of B.

When you ask that question, the implication is maybe no one would ever have wanted to get married to you. No, I automatically assumed it just wasn't for you. I'm fucking with you. But I mean, it is funny. People are so locked into, I think. I've never been married. Never been married? No.

I've had long-term. I have a kid. You have a kid. Right, and I've had long-term. Right. Well, I mean, it depends on how long your term was. What's long-term mean for you, Bill? How long was your sentence? Yeah. I had one term. One term? Yes.

This is going back, like, late 80s and early 90s for five years. Okay. Is that your longest? Yes. I was in my mid-30s. It was like the time to get married if I was going to do it. Right. You were nice and fertile. Yes. And, you know, you just, anyway. Five years and... Sliding doors, you know, didn't happen. I mean, look, it didn't happen because I just never really could...

convince my own self I could do it. And I was right. And yet stupidly after that, I say stupidly kind of because I did get into other long-term serious monogamous relationships for three years, two years, three years. And I must have known that if I couldn't make that one work, the long one at the time that was right and she was great, then was it ever going to be

Did I ever really change with not being able to look in the mirror and go, are you sure you're going to be okay with only fucking this person for the rest of your life? And I never got there. The mirror was like... The mirror shut. The mirror did a spit-tick. I mean, at least you're honest with yourself. Exactly. Right? And being true to yourself. Although there are relationships long-term that you could, I'm sure, have an open one, and then it's just, you know, no need. Well, I feel like...

My line on that is always, nobody's that cool.

Nobody's that cool. They're not. I mean, it can work for a bit, but it's hard enough too. Long term, yeah. Somebody's always not getting enough water, as my friend Paul Reiser said about showering with another person. Someone's not getting enough water. I love that. I know, it was a great joke. That's great. And like, somebody's not getting enough dick in a threesome. Just the sex. Unless it's two guys and one girl, then there's too much dick. Well...

I beg your pardon. Don't bring unnatural acts into this sacred... Listen, I feel this is a safe space. It is a safe space. You're in the nest. Yeah. Well, it's not for everybody. Anyway, you were right. Yeah. I'm here to tell you about the manhandling. Oh, thank you. You should never have taken any shit for that. Also, the busybody's fucking business at a mural. Why do you have to even get into this?

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Well, yeah, but there's, it depends, like, who's listening and who has the opinions, you know, and conservatives who hear that, obviously, like, they can't handle it. And what are you looking for? Oh, okay. Yeah, right over there.

In case there's trouble, I want to gallantly throw down my protection. Yeah, throw tissues at him. Yeah, but I think that it, but that's the whole thing. And the whole thing with our podcast, and I know you're so good about just having a space to talk about whatever it is, you know, and it's just like to come under such scrutiny and like in the spotlight for something like that was, it was kind of mind blowing. And you're right.

And I'm fucking right and you're right It's like not even a Minority opinion and again I was saying before the full spectrum all the way from asexual to nymphomaniac and everything in between I get it But like why pick on people who are somewhere in that spectrum right anywhere wherever it is even if only 10% of women like to be manhandled and

They should have the right to say so. In fact, if it was 10%, they'd probably defend you because then you were a minority. But you're not a minority. No, I don't think anyone I talk to agrees. Well, I'm not saying everybody, but there's a lot of support behind it. If you just look in the media and shit, you would think we were all now gay or trans or fluid or spectrum, something. But really, I don't know. I feel like, first of all, humans don't evolve that quickly. Right.

Women, as I see around me, they're kind of the same as they always were. Yeah. They're mostly into guys. Yeah. Not all. Right. And I don't, you know, lesbians go to lesbian bars or something. I'm never going to see them. Right. But I understand that that's a real thing and they're out there and great. But like most, I mean...

The bachelor's still on. The golden bachelor is now on. Every bachelor. There's like 15 of them. Every version of the bachelor. So there's got to be something to the same old. Right. And it is. They still, women, they still want the roses and the. Yeah, and the manhandling. And the manhandling. Very traditional is what you're trying to say. They do not want someone, like I say, if you're going to give up the pussy. Yeah. You do not want someone to do it badly. At least then do it correctly. Don't pass out. You're going to take the time.

Right. Don't pass out some weak shit. I really respect everything you're saying. I'm just backing you up. I appreciate the support. I really do. I appreciate you appreciate. It's nice to be nice to the nice. No, but it's such a silly thing. Such a stupid thing. It is. Even like what Whoopi called me out on. Okay, so what was that? I said, now, the whole conversation, if you listen to it, I said, I think it's weird if a guy's in his 40s and only slept with like a few people. I maybe said four.

I meant more like two. And then I backed it up and I was like, hold on, I take that back, that sounds judgmental, what if they were married or long-term or just a late bloomer? Like, that's totally fine. So I like backtracked. - Or some people, okay, there's another one in there. I mean, of course this is completely antithetical to my own life. - Yes. - But there are people who I've heard men say this, and there's some backing to this scientifically that,

if you just have-- start with one person, stay with that one person, you don't, for the rest of your life, are always tempted by this idea of there's others because there's something about some mental barrier there where there is only one, whereas, you know, it's like if you have-- if you right away have three or four lovers, you're like, "Oh, there's already a relativity to sex that you can never erase." Like, it could always be better or be different, you know?

Yeah. I think it's stupid, but I'm just trying to say there is, but I get it. So you backtracked. Even in the conversation, when she called out the one line, I was like, hold on. If you're going to take the time to like, call me out, almost felt like shaming in a weird way. Cause that's like a big thing now, you know, like shaming, whatever. I was like, hold on. But if you listen to the whole conversation, I immediately say, wait, I'm not judgment. I,

I am all about whatever works for people, you know? It was just like us just fucking shooting the shit and just being like... And also it's like, and I've gotten into it, I mean, I lost the whole show for something that everybody knew what I meant and didn't even say what they were implying something. But there's no benefit of the doubt. And that was like 20 years ago given to people who just like, I know what they meant. Yeah.

Of course you do, you fucking phonies. You absolutely know what they meant. Right. You're lying. I normally don't respond when I get called out for things, right? You shouldn't. I don't. Don't give them the-- they don't deserve the satisfaction. Right, I don't. But then again, it's--

And again, it's like, all right, well, if you're talking about my podcast and I said something, let me respond because it's just going to like bring more people to maybe hear the conversation in the first place. No, you should be sending them a fruit basket. I should be sending Whoopi a fucking Christmas present is what I should be doing. You know, look, you got on this show. I got on this fucking show. I should have brought you a fruit basket.

I will. I'll send one. Ah. Might be more like pop brownies, but you know. So why did your marriage not work? I was married. I mean, you're with a...

Long term? Yes. I mean, it must have been long if you had a kid. It was 11 years, yes. 11 years! Oh, wow. You're like, are you okay? You're already sitting down. No, but that's like, you know. That's long. Yeah, that's... That's the definition of a long-term relationship. That's probably the average of what a marriage lasts. Absolutely. I'm pulling that out of my ass. No, but I think 11, 13, like, you know, it's significant. No, that's, I mean, first of all, they identified something called the seven-year itch. Yeah.

Back in the 50s. In the fucking 50s. That was the Marilyn Monroe movie with her skirt blowing up. That's right. Yes, you've never gotten there. No. No, and anyone who gets there has my respect in a certain way, but also, I mean, first of all, again, back to the spectrum, we're all different places on the spectrum. Right. Some of us are, I know plenty of guys who are like,

It's not they've never had sex. They're just not-- that's not the main thing in the marriage or the life. Right. You know? Yeah. I asked a friend, a very old friend, and I said, well, you know, this is, I don't know, 10, 20 years ago, but we were already in our 40s or 50s or something. And I said, what? You know, I guess we were talking about marriage and shit. Yeah. And I said, well, what is-- you know, your sex life like now, honestly, I can talk to you about it. I wouldn't ask this to a lot of people.

And he said, "Sex is like a pleasant surprise." And I thought, "That is not good enough for me."

It just isn't. And I mean, a lot of people, married people, there is completely sexist marriages. Then there's you fuck on your birthday, your anniversary, Valentine's Day. Well, I can't say that's sad because the people that have that, it's their thing. See, it's like every time you say something. Exactly. And I'm saying people on that end of the spectrum are different than, say, Mick Jagger.

Right. Yes, completely. Correct. I was staying at a hotel in Amsterdam in 1999. Yeah. At the same time as the Rolling Stones. Oh, my God. And I remember just looking out the window and seeing this parade all day long of girls going into that hotel. Oh, you were going to say going into the hotel. In and out.

Like him. Sorry. I mean, I'm just saying some people are more revved up that way. Yeah. And some people also just don't, you know. Everybody's different. They can't, some people can accept like, and again, I don't want to be judgmental, but like perfunctory sex. That's a really funny word. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Married sex. No, I don't. I'm sure there are some married people who were, you know, really lighten it up.

But in general, I don't think I'm the only one who has experienced a diminution in passion as things go over time. Right. Especially if you see each other every day. It's very common. Every day. Yes. It's very common to kind of fall into a pattern or whatever. And I think that is the majority of people in long term. But I have friends.

friends that are married and they're still like three times a week and you're like that's fucking that's a lot for a long-term marriage and how do you know this because they tell me because i asked the question why am i there just because they tell you doesn't mean you think they're lying no i know the ones that are lying and i know the ones that actually do because there's definitely ones that are lying about it but you have to admit married couples yeah are absolute geniuses at

They can be fucking beefing with each other like incredibly. When they go out in front of other people, they are now a team again. Right. Because like how many marriages blow up and everyone's like, I didn't have, I had no idea. I didn't see it coming. Like they keep it under wraps. What do you think that is? So well. Yeah. Because they're embarrassed by it. Oh, right.

Right. Like a failure thing. It's like a failure thing. And so they, and you think, oh my God, this couple, I thought they were like, so doing great. They put on just such an amazing show until it blows. Right. And then it's like, what? Meryl Streep has been separated for six years. That's right. Six years. You know, it happens all the time, but I've seen it happen to people in my life. And I'm like, I'm not a naive guy. Right. And you have no idea. And then I'm shocked. Married couples are,

Yes. Well, we wouldn't know, personally. I feel like 11 years, you know more than I do. I definitely know more than you do. And a kid. And a kid, yeah. I have a few things on the totem pole. And living together, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. See, I never... I did that once. You didn't even live with the five?

Yes, the last year. Okay. Then that's why it ended. It's not really why it ended, but it's like people do things to save the relationship, and they're usually the worst things you can do, like have a baby or let's move in together. I mean, it's like you're doing the opposite. It's like when doctors used to put dirt in the wound.

It's not helping. You know what I mean? You're doing the opposite of what would help this. You should get away from each other. Right. Not have a baby. You know, we thought the baby would bring us together. Yeah. But it just sat there crying. It didn't lift a finger or ask us what was our problem. No, it's like it took your place in the bed is what it did. Have you ever had a dog with a puppy?

- Well, I don't know. - Oh, I thought you were just gonna say, do you have a dog? Like, I definitely always have dogs. Dogs are wonderful. - Do you have a dog? Dogs are wonderful. But a shared dog, I mean, that's the next step of commitment. - But I'll tell you something. - What? - You know what? - What? - Pets. - Yeah. - Apropos to what we were just talking about.

And I love pets. I'm a PETA board member. I have been since the '90s. Are you? Absolutely. Animals is my love. Oh. But when married couples are in that phase where they've lost the spark, pets are actually not good.

I've seen it. You know why? Why? Because the people put all their affection into the pet. To the pet. Like, a lot of it is like, even if you're not fucking like rabbits anymore, okay, you don't have to hold hands and touching. But when that goes, you know what I mean? Yeah. And it goes into the pet. Yeah.

I've seen marriage where each one has their chair and each one has the pet in their lap. Yeah. And the focus is going wrong. It kind of happens with kids too. Yes, I'll bet it does. Right. I have news for you. I forgot about children. Children, little people. Literally all of you goes into that. That's right.

I mean, that's just the truth. And I mean, for me, at least. No, that is the way to be a mom. You know what? You got to do it all the way. That's right. I mean, a lot of our problems, I feel...

in society is bad parenting. It just all starts with bad parenting. I mean, it's the biggest thing. And for me, it's always number one. Like that comes before absolutely everything. And that's why it was so hard to figure out even coming here. Cause like I, you know, it's her and I'm a single parent and like, you know, logistics and whatnot, but it's the most important thing in the fucking world.

I'm just creating this human. I'm sure she's safe, even though you're here, right? No, she's actually in the car. She's on her iPad. You didn't leave her on the road, did you? She's just directing traffic.

You know, I'd say you put a screen in their hands, they're never going to know. Oh, my God. They don't even know you're gone. She'd be sitting like right here on her iPad and just have no clue. It'd be like, yeah, fucking, manhandling. She would have knocked right over her head. So she's, but she's a good kid. And yeah, that's, it's the most important thing in the fucking world. You couldn't, I wouldn't. And you have a girl? Yeah. She just turned nine. Oh, my gosh. I know.

She's getting old. It's kind of crazy. Well, it's certainly not too young. I mean, I say this like I know anything. I think it's not too young to be cognizant of all the pernicious things that are out there in our society. I mean, obviously she...

Well, I don't know. Does she have a phone? No. Oh, great. No. Oh, but a lot of nine-year-olds do. Nine? I couldn't agree with you more. But you think parents-- I mean, yeah. Look, and there's certain situations that you might need it. Like if they're always away from the parent or home and to contact their-- you know, and they have watches or whatever. I don't know.

But no, I'm holding off on that for as much as possible. She doesn't even get her iPad. She only had got her iPad for airplane rides for the longest time. And then her friends are playing games. She wants to play with them. So of course I'm not going to be the parent that's like,

No, because then they just want it more. And so we have a good balance. I mean, she watches TV. That, all that stuff, I get it. I support people like screen time, screen time. But I'm like, if she wants to fucking watch TV, I watched so much TV as a kid and I'm fine. TV is fine. It's the phone. It's the phone. That's the portal. It's the Instagram. It's the, you know, all, I don't want, I can't imagine like she's going to have to go through high school with Instagram and like all of that. And I just, I don't know.

It scares the shit out of me. So what about when you talk about, like, racy things? I know. Well, Bill. What, is that an issue with you? No. But you think about it. I mean, I didn't think about it until someone brought it up to me, and I was like. But what would be wrong if she heard a discussion about pussy licking? Why would that be? Let me tell you. I will tell you. My mother is the most open, my whole life.

to a fault, okay? She'll be like, cunnilingus and like whatever, and I don't want to hear it. But I think, and my daughter's obviously way too young now, but when she's of age, I want to have that open relationship to be able to talk about everything because how confusing is it if you know nothing? And like,

A safe space, just like everything else. I want her to be able to come to me with anything. You know, and you want to protect them. Like, my mom put me on birth control when it was the appropriate time. It's just like certain things that... What was the appropriate time? Well...

- 12, no. I'm just kidding. No, but I was young and you know-- - Hey, it's better to be-- - No, but it's like better to talk and be safe with condoms and this and that if you have a boyfriend and-- - But what are you saying about cunnilingus? That as long as you use the proper word--

No. Do you know I said that on the Wendy Williams show? I used that word and they cut, like she freaked out at her face when I said it. Conalingus? Yeah, because I used the proper term because my mom, whatever. What did she want you to be more guttural? Yeah, she wanted me to be like, fuck licking

pussy like she would have been fine with. No, but because I said that and she cut it out and her face was in such shock. But that just goes to show society. It's like, why is that considered a bad work? And what point were you making about it? I don't even.

I don't even, yeah, why was I even talking about it is really the question. And I can't tell you the answer because I don't want to. I got a question about it. Yeah, okay, oh boy. Yeah. Now that we got on to these. I got a, something I, oh, you're a perfect one to ask. I've thought this for a million years. Uh-oh. I never ever asked this of anybody. Okay. Okay, so like, you know that thing they say about a guy, right?

doing the alphabet yeah can you tell he's doing it when he's doing it when they get to p and if you really no no no no no you're sure i mean i've nobody can i'm sure so you know if you put it in my head the next time it happens i'm going to be paying attention i'm like all right here we go next comes l right i mean

I've never, but if you're aware of it, maybe. Do you wonder that? Do you do that? No, no, no, no. No, no, I never did that.

I never did the alphabet. I thought it was corny even when I was 25. But I have heard that a million times about doing the alphabet. I just wondered if there are some women who are like... Who are like, all right, and they're just going along with them. And they're singing it. Not... Thanks, Bill. Next time I'm just going to be in my head singing the fucking alphabet. Bust the guy's ego. You'd start singing the alphabet. Oh, boy, I really...

really telegraph that one. Yeah, and if they don't know that thing, Also, if you could find out for me, does it have to be the English alphabet? Because I feel like, well, Chinese. I mean, there's a very elaborate...

Oh my God. Characters, I believe they're called in Chinese. So then you're not, now it's not saying it, it's, yes. The characters of like the Chinese alphabet. It's like a little house would feel better on your pussy than a fucking L. It's so detailed. Yes. Like we're getting in all the little. So detailed. All the little nooks and crannies.

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Let's make sure your kid doesn't hear this show. Oh, my God. Definitely, definitely not allowed to hear this show. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like, there's certain things I don't want her to hear until she's older, obviously. And even now, friends of hers can Google my name, and I'm like, oh, fuck, like, what's gonna come up in the Google, you know, alert? Right. Quote, whatever. I'm just gonna have to cross that bridge when I get to it, I guess. Yeah, I don't think it's gonna be a big thing. Because, first of all, I mean, nine...

Whatever you're talking about, the kids already know. I had this conversation recently. My friend's 11-year-old boy, we talked about it on the show this week, or whenever. It was like, clap it out. That's what they call sex now. I mean, clap it out. I don't get it. That's what... I don't. We don't get it. Clap it out, meaning what? That's what they call sex. I know, but why? Listen. What? What do you mean? What is...

They're like, you know, when people are having sex. Oh, it sounds like clapping. It sounds like sex. Like when you're, you know. Okay, you're clapping. The boy, they're like 11 and that's what they're saying. They've really come up with it now. Yeah. Yeah. Clap it out. I know. I had to do. I was like, what do you mean? And they're like, clapping. Yeah. I know. I know. I know. Clap it out. They have all the terms keep changing. I don't know. I can't keep up. That's like.

The least one that bothers me, because it's not really... Well, so there's the fact that 11-year-olds, and they're not doing it, but they're talking about it, is more the point than what the word is. Right, and they're talking about it in a way that is not romantic. Well, it depends who you're asking, I'm sure. Clap it out, yeah. I mean, that doesn't bother me. It doesn't bother me. Yeah, it's just that they're very...

You know, and asking questions about all those things. They do amuse me the way they will, like, change something ever so slightly and think that... They invented it. Well, that or that the old way is so horrible. I mean, we say fire now, not hot. Oh, wow. Oh, right. What a leap you made. What a... What a mind...

Yeah. I know. There's subtle changes. But every, I mean, that, again, is a huge thing that's going on now. And it's kind of always gone on, which is generations think that they have to, for their own identity to mean anything, it has to be

Very different or even better, the opposite of what the people before. Right. And that's where you get a lot of stupid shit. Because if you combine that idea with parents who have given their kids no boundaries, then you get like more kids transitioning younger than any other country in the world. Maybe they're all worthy of it, but we're going a lot faster than even other liberal countries think we should go.

And that's, to me, that all comes from, like, mom and dad think people are male and female. Right. Gross. Right. So I'm fluid and I'm, you know, I mean, there are enclaves in, like, around where we live where it's almost like uncool. If you're not fluid. If you're just a heterosexual, it's just uncool. That's just a...

I'm not saying there isn't such a thing. Of course there is as trans, but there is that element. Right. And that, I do think, comes from we just want to be different. Yeah. You know what? My parents liked Israel. I'm with the people who keep women in burqas.

because I'm a liberal. It's like, are you fucking nuts? And I think it just comes from, I don't really know anything because they don't teach anything in school, but I know what the opposite is. So I'm just going to do that. I'm going to do that. And I don't really have to look it up because mom and dad told me I was a genius and I always got trophies. I know everything. I know everything. And in fact, people who don't agree with me are committing violence.

Right. You know, and I'm like biting my tongue a lot because it's like so you can't say much about any of this stuff. But I think with anything, and I'll just leave this general with kids, whatever is popular or a trend or whatever can catch on like wildfire. Especially on TikTok. Right. Which...

I think a lot of the kids are just constantly. Constantly? Yeah. I mean, I'm not on TikTok, but I know people, you just get on there and it's just like constant and looping and can't stop. They'll never read a book again. Never read a fucking book again. They won't. A book. I love books. Me too. I love real books, you know? Not a digital book. But yeah, I think that that's just the day and age that it is now. And I think that they're just, you know, learning from... What do you think about like some of these...

cases of like where a woman, you know, got a guy canceled. Getting canceled for... For what looked, she said... What sounded like consensual sexual act or something? Well, I mean, a woman wrote a blog. What did she write again? Because I don't remember exactly. It was something about giving him a blowjob or something. No, well, yeah, there was that, but it was a whole blog about how she was, I mean, she was...

you know, saying I was abused in a way. I mean, it was a-- it was-- and Barry wrote the original piece in The New York Times, which just said, no, this is-- was a bad date. We've all had bad dates. And then--

I remember doing a long piece on it in my last stand-up special because it was just perfect comedy fodder, I thought. I don't know him. I wasn't out doing it to defend him. We have no relationship. He seems like a nice guy. And she was right. It was a bad date. Like, you know, all along the way, she was...

And this is her account, by the way. This is her account. We went to dinner. He ordered a kind of wine without consulting me on which one. Okay, kind of a dick move. And you could leave. Or you didn't have to go back. You went back to his apartment. Right, didn't have to. I remember I said, he's 5'4". I don't think he dragged her. Right.

And, you know, there was oral sex and like he didn't pick up on the signals. The signals? Like she didn't actually say no? Right. I mean, he should have picked up on the signals was the gist of it. You know, like, okay, but anyway. So, and there's been other people who have been canceled. Same thing or gotten a lot of shit because women, I think Shia LaBeouf was

went out with a pop star named FKA Twigs. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I remember reading her piece. Uh-huh. And... And she claimed he was... Well, I mean, a dick, and I think even he would say he's a dick. Right. Isn't he a dick? I mean... He seems to be even aware that he acts like a dick. Right. Okay. Actorly, you know. Yeah. But... And she described, you know, he...

I think, vent me over the car once, yelling at me and stuff like that, which is horrible behavior. Yes. But you could then just go again. And she even says in the piece, like...

I had a townhouse in London. I could have left any time. And I thought, then why am I reading this? Right. Right. Why am I reading this if that was the case? Well, God, you know, I mean, you can't say anything if someone is a victim of whatever. You can't.

You can't say anything that goes against whatever they're claiming or their experience. But I am saying it. But you are. I'm saying there's a point where the woman has complete agency. Right. And I shouldn't be even aware of this thing because...

You had it within your power. It's different if it goes to he locked the door. Then I'm with you. Right. Or he held me down. Right. But if it was like he wouldn't let me have male friends, again, on you. Right. That's just control. You have the choice to not.

Right. That's feminism. I'm powerful. Right. I have the choice to go, I can't have any male friends? Oh, well, I'm going to have one less now. Bye. Right. Right. Right. Yes, of course. And in a lot of cases, there is the option to leave. Some, some there probably, you know, there's other cases there isn't. Well, again, if you, not everyone has a townhouse in London. Right. Yeah. So why did the marriage, I mean, the non-marriage fall apart? I mean, was it just the time thing? Yeah.

You know, things happen, things change. It was, it was like, it was difficult. There were many difficult things and. I'm like, what's the secret? Like, what are the people, or is it just their nature? I guess it's probably just their nature. The people who do. Blast. Blast, yeah. And seem to be happy. Yeah. I mean, everything, every marriage, of course, is going to have its time.

bumps and its troughs. And I actually know very, very few marriages of any length who won't admit to having a very almost make or break moment. Right, right.

Where they did break and then came back. Yes. And, you know, even in my long term, there was like a little separation a little earlier on and then back together and then having a kid and then, you know, just different. He was from a different place and like wanted to spend more time there. And just like sometimes things just don't gel. Well, and things change. Things change. Yeah.

You know, I always think of the dragonflies that used to be right over that pool, over there, and I guess we kill them all like we're killing all the species because I don't see them very much anymore. But I remember there was, they were like from the 80s. One was like electric blue, like Michael Jackson's jacket.

And one was like orange, like Neone orange. Not Trump orange, good orange. And they would fly always in these pairs and they would zig all around and they would stay in tandem. And I thought, well, that's what you have to do if you want to stay in tandem. Yeah. And that's so hard to do. It's so hard to do. Because...

And especially when, you know, people and the work that we do in particular, it's a lot of time away and whatever. So if things, if there's differences, it just creates even more sort of separation because of the amount of time apart due to work and whatnot, you know? So it's just... And we're not living on the prairie anymore.

But if we were, I'd be manhandled. Yes, you certainly would. Maybe too much. Maybe a little too much. No, we aren't living on the prairie. And so there's just so much stimulation. And again, like we were saying before, the more lovers you've had,

the more each is just numerically less unique. You think so? Well, just numerically, that has to be the case. Like if you've had two lovers, the second one, you know, it's like, you know, it's half your...

but if you've had a hundred yeah you know even oh obviously some of them weren't great but um do you have like let me ask you as a man yeah we're gonna have to cut out this part i just feel it coming rachel's gonna go oh i'm gonna get him back i'm gonna get you back okay that's right no but like as a man because i wonder right because like you feel like are there like standout

experiences with a woman that you're like, "Oh, that was really bad." -Yes. -Sexually. -Of course. -But, like, what makes it bad? I think different things at different points in my life. I don't think the answer to that... -There's not, like, one. -...was the same when I was first having sex as it is now. What made it bad then?

She laughed when it only lasted a minute. That's what it meant. You know, that's not a problem now. She laughed. Okay, laughing was a goddess. Well, I'm just saying, things change so much. Sure. What makes it bad? Well, not everyone's a great kisser.

Right. I think kissing is a big deal. It's a big deal to people who care, who think it's a big deal. Again, on the spectrum, there are some people who don't care about kissing. Right. Sure. Or and and I think if you care about it, you probably are good at it. But it's just yeah, that would make it bad. I mean, that's a bad kissing.

Not being able to incorporate kissing into the lovemaking symphony before and during. Right. Okay, that's fair. You're lucky after. See ya. That was great. Bye. No. So that's like something. And then, of course, it's really how much somebody's into you. Okay. It's not like a literal anatomy thing.

It is not an anatomy... And I stand by that statement. No, it is not a totally an anatomy thing. But anatomy does play a role. Right. I don't think you just even get into bed with somebody unless you kind of like their anatomy. Okay. Right? Yeah, but some anatomy you might not see before you're in bed with them. Correct. So? So you go to strip club. Okay.

And that's how you do it. We have it all figured out. I think, you know, if you pass that barrier, not got into bed with someone who's not attractive to you, then I think it's really, you know, love is sometimes in opposition to lust. For example, I think...

I like you is hotter than I love you. Really? Even though I love you is deeper and more for love. Don't get me wrong. I love love. But like, I like you. That's hotter than I love you. Because I love you is like, it's better, but we're past that point where it's just sort of like animalistic. Oh, okay. So you've said the I love you, but you've now regressed to I like you during sex. No, I'm just saying in general, yes.

Even after you say, I love you, you should say, I like you in bed. I like you. It's just, it's like, it's just. What's better? I like your dick or I love your dick? No, because it's more honest. Like, like is like, love is complicated. Like is not.

It's just hot. It's like nice and cozy. What is? Like. Oh, it's hot. Sorry. It's fire. Maybe this is a man-woman. Maybe this is a difference between men and women. No, I'm like, like? I'm like, do I want to hear like? But look, it depends on who you are sleeping with. So nobody ever said, I like you, like, first? Before I love you? Yeah. Every guy just jumps to I love you. I don't know. Seriously? I'm just kidding. I like you.

Yeah, I think people say, I don't know. I'm trying to think. I feel like it's a little weird. Not weird. I don't want to say weird, but it's a little unusual.

But we don't really know what's usual for other people. That is true. That is very true. Maybe you're unusual. I am very unusual. No, I don't know. I feel I like you is a fairly common phrase. I'm like, I never hear that phrase. It's really weird. I don't know. Who doesn't say that at some point? It's interesting. That's the word I want to use. I like you is interesting. It's more interesting...

Then I love you. Because I love you is like, I fucking love, like that is deeper. That is something. I love you is also the one that unfortunately gets so overused. I mean, people say it, some people say it literally every time they speak to somebody. It's at the end of every two minute phone call. It's just, you know, I hear people on the plane. Love you, love you, love you. You're like, I think they get it.

Do you, I feel like you maybe don't use I love you lightly. Correct. You shouldn't, right? Right, no. But I mean in relationship. No. And also, the other thing about love that's fraught is that it's,

Got so many different meanings. I love that table. Okay, well. So then you love that table, then. Right. That's a long way from I love you meaning, oh, this is when we start talking about marriage. Oh, geez. Marriage has to come with love? No, I'm saying to a lot of women, yes. That means, okay, next is the ring. Correct. Oh, come on. No, I know you're right. I was thinking personally, I just had a moment of, you know, introspection for a second. Yes, this is.

You're right, yeah. It goes from I like you to I love you. To I like you again. Well, if you can in general retain the things from when you were courting after you're together for real, you're doing yourself a favor. I support that.

- I do, I genuinely do. - Yeah, that's what I was trying to do. - Okay. - I think is to keep the flame lit. You know, there's security and there's-- - No, you're totally right, 'cause I'm thinking about it now.

And like, I like it. It's very like sweet and complimentary and it's a little different. And that's why I say interesting is the right word because it's just like, no, it's sweet. It's, it's, it's caveman-y. It's caveman-y? Yes. It's like just saying what you honestly think. The vocabulary was limited? I don't, I'm not saying I fucking love you. Yeah. But we're fucking now and I like you. Every caveman is what they would say. It's like,

No woman is thinking, oh, he doesn't mean that. They're thinking, oh, he means it. I mean, I think he really does like me. It seems like he likes me. He's showing me he likes me. He's showing me he likes me. We're back to getting manhandled. He likes me. That's all it is. Exactly. If he didn't like you. It would not be happening. You would not be being manhandled. I mean, you would be being weekly serviced. I'd be getting the alphabet. Yeah.

Not the alphabet. The English alphabet. Before God gets to G, and it's like, you know what? I got a big day tomorrow. This isn't happening. We're just going nowhere. Okay. I've learned a lot. I have, too. Oh, good. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Well. Yeah. No, it's interesting perspective. And you've answered a lot of questions for me that I've often pondered. Right. You know?

I ponder these things too, because you're right. It is so hard to cross the divide between, I guess, heterosexuals, you know, because we do have different chemistry and hormones and things like that. So you have to ask the questions, but those are not the questions you're supposed to ask, you know.

I mean, another thing that atrophies in marriage or long-term relationships is communication. Yeah. It's not just the physical part. It's the fact that when a guy wants to have a real relationship

deep conversation about what's on his mind or what's going through his... He goes to the bar with the guys. Right. And he talks to them because he can be completely himself and honest. Right. He doesn't do that with the wife because there's too many... They've had too many fights. There's too many little landmines that you know if you step on. Yeah. So you can't talk about your old girlfriend or something. Right. So you wind up...

Petting the pet instead of the spouse. Right. And talking. The two great things in life, fucking and talking, you're doing with other things. Right. That poor dog. Poor dog. How are you, though, with communicating with your partners? Fucking awesome.

I'm a talk show host for 30 years. I'm awesome at it. All I do is talk. What do you mean? How am I? With feelings or whatever. Let's say that because, you know, you're not much of like the long-term relationship guy. So if you're dating someone, how are you with feelings like the I like yous, I love yous and whatnot? Wait, what? I don't know what you're saying. I'll tell you what the answer is, I think. I mean, I don't put a time thing on it. Mm-hmm.

And relationships sometimes do morph. Yeah. But if it's built on honesty and friendship, then people don't get mad. So it doesn't matter. What makes women mad is lying. Yeah. Well, yes. I would say that's absolutely accurate. Right. So it's amazing how much goodwill you can buy by never being a fucking liar.

Even if it's not what they want to hear. Correct. Yeah. The great thing about being my age right now is that, I mean, I have a built-in excuse for not being remotely considered for like a long-term career.

lifelong thing. And your excuse is? I'm old. I'm old. I have no memory. You know, I'm not going to be around with a long, you know what I'm saying? Right. So you've made it to this point where now you're like, hey. It kind of works for me. It works for you. Because. Why change now? You're like, well, because I was always trying to like find a way not to be married. Right.

And succeeded. Yes, I would say you did. You seem mad at me for this. I'm very mad. No, I'm not mad at all. No, I'm impressed. You stuck true to yourself. Well, but... You're a good example for like... But look at all the people who... You didn't do anything for anyone else is the point, right? Because I'm sure there's women that would have wanted that and you were like, no, I don't like you. Well, I had much love in my life, but...

I never understood why would I make this something that the government would be involved in if it fell apart? Yes. Lawyers. Yes. It's like in my love life? Mm-hmm. I'm going to invite other people in my love life? No, no, no. Yes, I... And it's unpredictable. It is unpredictable. And so let's keep it... That's probably why you never got married, right? I'll tell you this. You didn't want to make it...

Never got married. Or did you want to get married? We were engaged at one point, but never married. But this is how I look at it, especially now in my life and everything. If I ever get to that point with someone where you want that kind of commitment, I would rather have a

A party, a ceremony, whatever. But none of the legal shit. Like, no marriage, no official, you know, because that's just papers and, like, government and whatever. Papers that caused you a lot of misery later. They could. If they were just papers, it'd be fine. It'd be fine, right. But, yeah, I'm a big fan of, like, let's celebrate. Like, let's be committed. Let's wear the ring. Whatever. Call you my blah, blah, blah. But we don't need to do it the legal way because...

That's just, I don't know. I guess I'm more of like a romantic in that sense and just like love and all of that. See, I think I'm the romantic because I refuse to have a life that doesn't have real romance in it. And I feel like if I was married...

My life would be bereft of romance at this point, as it is in lots of the marriages I see with the dog on the lap. The fucking dog on the lap. Okay. There's a lot of dogs on laps. It's just alphabet three times a year and the dog on the lap. To me, that was not the life I wanted. That was not what you wanted. I feel like that's fair, you know? That's all you're seeing. So what...

- What? - So now-- - What? - So what is your idea, like, if you could paint your Hallmark channel, like, perfect-- - Yeah? - Like, where your life is now, where it's going, what would it be, romantically? - Romantic, you know what, this is really interesting, 'cause I always thought it would be like the traditional merit, blah, blah, blah.

Now in my life and having been you know single mom with my kid for the past like 6 years or so. He invite a relationship that doesn't have to be conventional or traditional like

If you have each other and you're committed to each other, but it's not the same like everyday in and out routine, whatever, I'm so much more open to that and I never thought that that would be me. - Are you reading my line? - Flashcards. - Why are you arguing with me if you're doing the exact same thing? - No, but I am willing to commit long term and do that.

I do like that. I like having someone. But they don't have to be there 24 hours a day, seven days a week. That'll ruin it.

Yes. That's what I'm trying to tell you. There was a relationship, and then I always would think, how did they stay married? Because he was like, you know, away for work two months and then home for two months. And I'm like, how did they do it? And now looking, I'm like, that's why it succeeds. Right. I mean. Because he was on an oil rig. Because he was on a fucking oil rig. That was two-month oil rig. Days of yore. Oh, my God. Those days.

No wonder your man handled you when he got home from that. And that's why it succeeded. Right. Yeah, but as I've gotten older, it's just interesting how things, you know. Right. Things change. Well, I mean, there's that famous book, Passages. Life is a bunch of passages. So each time you pass through a passage, it's like...

it's going to affect you and your partner differently. Right. Like, what is this passage? And sometimes you go like this. Right. So to dragonfly it is like, you know, it can happen. It can. But it's... But you wind up extinct.

Well, I don't know. Your dragonflies are no longer around. I know. I know. That's really sad. And I see bees walking. Bees. I know. I know. I see bees walking. There's nothing sadder than a bee. There's nothing sadder than a walking bee. Walking.

It's like, you're not going to get there, buddy. You're not. I assume he's walking over to the plant to then crawl up and then come back to the hive and have to climb up the tree. It's a really long journey. Exhausted by the time he gets there. Those poor fucking walking bees. It's really not funny. It's not funny. It's really terrible. It's the planet. And we don't want to go there. We don't need to go there. No. It's a whole other... But it's just the...

I can't take animals suffering. Like if I'm watching a movie with people suffering, I'm fine with it. But animals. I can't even watch. I've never watched King Kong. Because of a fake fantasy beast. But ape. He's animal-like. Godzilla? Godzilla? I don't want to see Godzilla get hurt. I don't.

I get it. The one Woody's in? What? Planet of the Apes. Oh, okay. More apes. Yes? I relate to apes. Is that a problem? Definitely not.

No, I'm with you. As a kid, I couldn't watch movies where if there's a battle and a horse goes down, I was out. Absolutely. Right? I have a real problem with Westerns, especially the older ones, because I know what they did to make that horse go down. Yes. Yeah. I shot a show last summer where I killed a dog. It was terrible. I had a very hard time with it. I have real tears.

What show was that? It was a slot, no, I don't, fuck, what was it called? Oh my God. Well, that's my brain. What was it on? It was on Fox. Fox? Yeah. That's a big network. It's a big network that I should fucking be familiar with what the fuck the show was called. Shit. What was the? It was like a different episode. Each episode was a different story.

Oh, God. But, like, were they in the future? I smoked a lot of weed in my youth, Bill. I smoked a lot of weed tonight. No shit. I'm high just from sitting with you. That can happen. And it's actually quite nice. You're welcome. Thank you. What the fuck was that show called? What was it about? Like, who were the people in it? Were they lawyers? Were they futuristic? No, there's different. It's a story every episode, and it's a different... And it's like, oh, they all go to court for, like, a crime or something to see if they're innocent or guilty.

the accused yeah the accused oh my god the accused anyway yes and I was the bad guy oh yeah it was fun when I except for the dog thing in the 80s yes I did it some to murder she wrote you did so fucking that's fucking pretty iconic and one

One of them, was I the bad guy? No, I wasn't the bad guy. Oh, I did a Max Headroom. I don't know if you remember that. Oh, of course I remember that. Really? Yes. Okay. So I was the bad guy, I think. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I look back on my acting career.

80s life fondly sometimes but so glad it never went forward that I was saying to do what I was meant to. I need to watch that now. I want to watch your episodes. Well, I did the iconic Cannibal Women and the Avocado Jungle of Death. Of course, everyone knows, of course. And I did Pizza Man. Oh my God. Seven Academy Award nods.

That's amazing. DC Cab. DC Cab, okay. That's a real movie. That sounds like a real movie. DC Cab is still very popular. I was just saying earlier tonight that there's a lot of classic movies that I've never seen. That is hardly a classic movie. I feel like it's a classic movie, Bill. To a lot of people, it is. I mean, I loved the director, Joel Schumacher, may he rest in peace. Oh.

He was fantastic. And I love the people on it. Mr. T and all the guys. But.

But I got to say, after all these years, I just don't think it's a good movie. It just is not my kind of... If I wasn't in it, and even in it, I can't even watch it, really. You can't watch it? Oh, I would never watch it. Can you watch yourself? Do you watch your shows or anything? No, I should, but I don't. You don't. When it's done, it's done. When it's done, it's done, and it seems to be working for 30 years. 30 years? What am I going to fucking... The track record is...

You're pretty good. Maybe it would make it worse. I'd get self-conscious. I don't know. I believe that. I once in a while will. You're forced to watch certain things, clips and like you have to pick something for a promo reel or. So I do. You know, I can't avoid it completely. But no, I don't. I've never watched the show like all the way through. Right. Right. No. I mean, you know, I think that's good. I only I only look forward.

That's important. I can't, I don't get any satisfaction out of memories, even though they're wonderful. What? Nothing. You have none. Memories, you know. The pot, I get it. The pot, or the age. Take your pick. No, actually, I remember lots of shit. Other stuff, I don't know. It is arbitrary, it seems, what your mind retains.

Yeah, I would say that's true. I mean, I have clear memories of like little moments that are like, "Why did I remember that? It's so nothing." That is so true. For most-- well, for me anyway. Yeah. And like movies, I don't retain things like that. But there's little things that mean nothing. Movies? You mean seeing movies or making-- I can't retain either. I don't retain-- if I watch a movie and it's been enough, like, you know, even a few months, I won't remember a lot of it. But you like doing it, right?

Making them? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. You look like you're totally at home in your craft. Oh, yeah? Yeah, you're very natural. Well, thanks for saying that. That's very sweet. So do you. You look very at home in your home. I...

But I don't have the-- I'm not acting. You know, acting is-- But you did in the '80s. I did. No, but it's a lot. You're putting yourself out there every day, all the time. Oh, it's-- oh, please. I mean, don't to convince me. I mean, I was never really, I mean, meant to be an actor. It wasn't that hard to do the kind of stuff I was doing. I also did a bunch of sitcoms. To be a comedic actor-- Yeah.

I was very successful. As soon as I got out here, I landed shows and shit. But it was all on that kind of sitcom level. That's the best. Sitcoms are the best.

It is gentlemen's hours. Yes. And it's not, no, I was a happy boy doing that kind of show. Everyone is. I mean. But that's what we all thought as comics starting in New York we had to do. You come out here and you do the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson and then you do a sitcom. So this was like the path. Right. I was on the path. Yeah. So, you know, luckily the path ended and kicked me out of it. You found a better path. Yeah, I did what I was always meant to do. A better path.

Yeah. When you're young, it's so hard to like, well, really make good decisions. Well, yeah, because you don't know anything. You really notice the older you get, you're like, oh. I mean, women mature much faster. Yes. Very true. That is not going to bite you on that one. That is very true. How many...

- Years head start. - What? - Do you think a man needs to be on a par emotionally with a woman? - 33. - I say 40. That's funny. - I don't know, I think it is very true.

It's really individualized, I think. And I think some men can get ahead, especially in certain areas. The spectrum. Once again, back to the spectrum. Everything is the spectrum. Everything is the spectrum. People are all over the spectrum. Let them be. Let them be. Let them be. That's true. And accepting. But it is the exception for a man to be mature in his...

Certainly teens, 20s. Oh, yes. And then 30s and 40s, you're faking being mature, but you're really not. That's really when you're the most dangerous. Oh, geez. Yeah. Yeah, I think you're right. Yeah. Yes. You're thinking, yes. I'm just going to say yes. I've had a lot of experience, so I'm going to say yes. Yes.

Yeah, you have enough to be dangerous. You do. You have a car now and an apartment or a house. You know, it's just... An apartment? Well, whatever. When I was in my 20s... Of course you have an apartment. You have an apartment. That sounded so judgmental. Like, I was thinking, you know? Yeah. And then once again, I would get fucking called out because, like, what's wrong with the man and his whatever? There's nothing wrong. Nothing. Maybe you're in New York City. Maybe you just want an apartment. Maybe that's...

Maybe that's all the money I have to live. Exactly. I can't afford a house yet. 100%. I like an apartment. Cozy. I mean, I wouldn't want to go back to it, but I'm so glad that I had to live through a period of my life when I was absolutely, by any standards that you would measure it, poor. Like a poor person. Right. Who survived on very little money and lived in shitty places. Right.

I wasn't homeless, but poor. And everything was decided by how fucking poor I was, what I could eat, what jobs I could turn down. None. That's how poor. I'm glad I had the experience. Right. That's very good. Yeah. Very good to take with you in your life. When was the OC on? What year? We had our 20th anniversary.

So you started in 2003? 2003, yeah. Okay, so I was, 2003 was my first year on HBO. Okay. In real time, so it wouldn't have worked out. I missed my chance. But that show would have been. I could have come on for UZ. Yeah, well, that's it. You know, I would have found my way somehow. Well, you are, you'd be a good broadcaster. Well, thank you. You know, you're very articulate. You know, you like poised. You know, you'd be good as any kind of, I mean, I don't know if you want to do that kind of work, but.

it's like sitcom. I don't know what I want to do. You don't? No. I guess I'm doing it. But you like being on a set. I do. I love it. I'm just, I'm kind of being funny. No, I do. I love it. I love being on a set. It's been an interesting world opening up with podcasts and like actually interviewing and talking and it's a different beast. And so it's been fun. Here's what I remember about acting. Yes. I didn't,

like, you know, nailing the close-up. I guess every actor does. Feeling like, oh, I got it right. Yeah. But I never was, I guess, smart enough back then to really embrace acting. I didn't want to act in class or anything. Like...

If you asked me to do-- if we did five takes, I'd do the same thing five times. Right. I was not at that other level where they can go there. And it wasn't my destiny. So that's OK. But I remember liking that. What I really hated was makeup on my face all day. Yeah.

Sitting in trailers. Yeah. Trailers. Like, who's in trailers? Actors. People who live in trailers and us. Yeah. It's kind of fucking crazy, right? You're in a trailer. In a trailer. And also, like, not being able to really relax because the lines would, you don't want the lines to go out of your head. Mm-hmm. I remember a lot of times, you know, you're concentrating on

So much, and then you do that close-up, and then you have to turn it around and do the scene for the other person. And even though I just did it, no, like, now I'm, now I can't remember the lines. Oh, no. Because once you did it, you're like, it's done. It's gone. Sorry. I mean, I got through it, but, like, yeah, I was fighting that. Oh, interesting. Yeah. But that makes sense, I think.

But I never liked that feeling of I can never really let go even though they're going to keep me here for five hours without doing anything. Yeah. There is the other side of it that people don't, I mean, people talk about it, but like people don't know when they just fantasize about making movies or TV shows or whatever. It's just the time there is a long time. A long time where you're not doing anything as well is what you're talking about.

You have to really love, it's a little like skiing, you know? Do you love skiing? I would never have been on skis and have no desire to do that. But I know that it's a lot of like mishigas to get back up the hill for just two minutes and then like.

an hour later really good analogy yeah yeah and acting as i remember it and i remember john cleese once said it's like waiting i think it was john cleese he said making a movie is like waiting in an airport for eight weeks that's actually yeah that's actually kind of accurate and you can't but you don't ever want to say you know it's again the gratitude you get to do it

Absolutely. No one's holding a gun to our head. Right. But that is definitely something that made my life so much better when I was not an actor and was doing...

first politically incorrect and then this real time because They were all done in real time So, you know, yeah that one was you know five days a week So I had to get makeup on but it was for you know, I'd make up on for an hour, right? It was a half hour I like that the makeup is really what stuff is I do really do not like I don't like anything on me, you know, no jewelry, you know you know chains or

- Chains? Were you like considering rocking chains? - No, I mean, maybe it's why I never got married. - You didn't want to wear a ring. Or ball and chain. - Doctor, do you think, oh, yeah. - Doctor, do you think what? - I don't know, I was just pretending you were my psychiatrist. Not that I have a psychiatrist. - Oh, I thought you were actually a medical doctor. And I was like, what, I see you were moving something. - I don't have a--

Do you go to therapy? I had a therapist for like a few years and she retired. And it was, I had a really hard time with it because I really liked her, you know? I think. And she was hired? Yeah. What do you mean? Hired and then retired? Retired. Yeah. Retired. Sorry. She retired. She retired. She was hired and then retired. But I loved her and it was my first experience having like a relationship for a few years and it was great.

I'm a big fan of therapy, and I think... Oh, really? Yeah. If you find the right person that you kind of, you know... I am a believer that if you want to talk to someone, go for it. But, like, I'm... You've never been in therapy? Well... You're not a fan. I'm not a fan. Yeah. Which is respectable. I mean... I get it. I get it. But that doesn't mean I don't acknowledge that it does...

good for a lot of people. For sure. Absolutely. I just always wonder, like, you strike me as somebody who, like, must have great friends. I do have great friends. Why don't you just talk to them? I do, all the time. I know, but what's the difference between them and the... I will agree with you, because particularly... I'm just asking. No, my best friend who does the podcast with me, Olivia, like, she has now since... I don't talk to my... I literally... She gets everything and gives me maybe even more...

than I ever had from anyone else. So I agree with you on that. And I'm not a big pusher like,

therapy therapy therapy but i do think it can help and i i think it's not something to be it shouldn't be taboo or like whatever it's not taboo quite the opposite no weirdo out here if you don't go out here yes but like some people are like embarrassed like oh they're gonna think i have issues or whatever but everybody's fucking what yeah if they're in therapy what year is this no one thinks that no one thinks that it's

I think there are people that could think that. I'm not saying, but I think that it can. Nobody you know.

No, not even me not even you don't even believe in it and you're still but if it works for you Whatever works first of course of course. Yes spectrum. I'm just I was just asking a Honestly curious question which you did not answer the question is what is this the? for therapists providing that the other that the friends are not right well my answer was

I don't know that they did or were like...

You can't point to one thing like, oh, you know, everybody else missed this, but the therapist pointed out. I will say there were sayings, you know, that little tidbits that I would get from her that I really liked. Not to say that my best friend doesn't say them, maybe just with different wordage, you know. Verbiage. Verbiage? I make up a word? Verbiage. Maybe I wait a minute for it. But, yes. So, yes. But also, I think it's more the...

taking up the time of your friend who's like kids and busy and whatever. So if you just have that other person to yourself that like, that's what they do, you know, maybe that relieves some. Yeah. Well, and also there must be a different mindset because you are in a place of business. Right. Although my best friend is also like a life coach. So I guess it all folds into one. Yeah. Sorry, Olivia. I mean, I just never could imagine. So you talk to your friends?

I talk to my, yeah, sure. About everything. Everything. Yeah. Sure. But even they are not going to come up with probably a better answer than I am. That's the thing I could never imagine with a therapist is like, okay, one of us knows everything.

Bill Maher really well. And I think it's me. And yet here you, stranger who don't know all the... I have all this knowledge about me that you don't have, but you're the guy?

Who's going to... But certain best friends might, because they're on the outside, be more observant of things that you might not think about. Absolutely. And I also acknowledge that that person can be. That can be an advantage is that they're not, of course, in your head. I just feel like, especially at this point in my life, you know, if you got to 67, you probably, first of all, are not going to make fundamental changes. Well...

I mean. I said it all. Perfect. Cut. Cut. All right. I'm going to let you go. That was fun. I enjoyed this immensely as I knew I would. Oh, this was great.