Quentin Tarantino + Judd Apatow; Ms. Pat | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Hey, so we have something a little bit different this week. It is club random after all. Everybody needs a break from work and I am taking a small one now, but we planned for it. We have something for you that hasn't been seen yet that I think is pretty cool. Early on when we were taping, I was talking to Judd Apatow here at the bar and Quentin Tarantino was waiting in the room back there and he decided to come over and have a seat and talk for a while. So, I'm going to talk to you about something that hasn't been seen yet.

So here it is, two iconic directors with me talking movies and more. Enjoy. Clover.

Hey, guys. Oh. Oh, he's here. Hello. He's here. Gary Schelling Show. Hey, everybody. It's Norm Crosby. What happened? Oh, my gosh. Ella Fitzgerald is outside here on Playboy After Dark. This is Candy. Great. I'd like you to meet Roman Polanski. Right here is Bill Cosby. How you doing? Mother Judge of Speed. Loved it.

All right. Well, as long as we treat every woman at the Playboy Mansion here tonight with respect. Of course, Bill. Of course we do. That's what we do here at the Playboy Mansion. Hey, wow, you're here. Yes. I'm so gratified. You know Judd? Yes. Yes, we met each other a few times. And from back when you were in Sandler's movie. Well, no, no, no. That's when we actually got to know each other because...

You were the preacher. Well, the deacon. The deacon. The deacon. Will you tell him that he's a big director who could get any table at any time? Oh, okay. When you take over John Lannis' spot and, like, nine movies are released that are comedies, like, Judd Apatow presents. Right. No, no, no. No. I'm not going to direct this, but I'll present it.

I've never done that. Oh, yeah. All my friends want to make movies. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Jet Appetite Presents. Right. I defy you to go on my IMDb and find a present. Your word is funny, though. It's good game. It's good game. It's good game. I felt that way. Juno Temple is like jerking off the spear is a funny gag. Yeah.

You're going deep into year one territory. I knew you'd find a nook and cranny that no one was expecting. Do you want a drink? Yes, actually. I would like a margarita because I noticed there was a margarita mixer. Margarita? What's going on? No, there's a margarita mixer. I wouldn't even ask that if there wasn't a margarita mixer I saw. I'm kidding. I would learn how to make a margarita. There's a better one than that. That's like the junk. Okay. Where's the better one? I think it's the one right next to the olive...

No, no, no, keep going. No, no, the other side. Don't keep... Yeah, yeah, I think that's it. That's the gourmet. Oh, oh.

That looks like the gourmet. What kind of alcohol? I think there's a worm in here. Oh, my God. Well, Spitfire. Okay, it's a British margarita mix, which I hadn't actually thought about. Wow. Oh, geez, where's the rock when you need them? What kind of liquor goes in with this? Tequila. Tequila? No, no, with margarita, they're just lots of ice. So tequila is...

And what? Ice? I'll take the... I don't want to plug it. I'll take the Casamigos. No, no, no. Keep going. You're doing good. Keep going deeper. No, no, no. The Casamigos. You're almost there. You're almost touching it. Yeah, that one. Boy, you know liquor better than I do.

Oh, boy. Well, I mean, you're going to be the bartender on me and asking me. I know. I should get better at it. My bad. No, just margarita mix and ice and tequila and you're set. Now, I make a better margarita. Why don't you just make it for yourself? This is tequila and I'm already drinking tequila.

Would you mind if I trotted along with you? Yes, by all means. I would not mind at all. That was my audition. I heard you were casting and I thought maybe I'd throw in a little, just to show you I can do it, my friend. That was your mammoth dialogue. That was your About Last Night Part 2. Send Gwyneth on real time next week. Oh, yes, is he? I'm so excited. Mammoth? Yeah. Oh, what a motherfucker, right? Ballsy?

Oh, he's the man. Really? Yeah. That's a high compliment from you. No, no, no, no. Do you think he's the man? The first time I directed, I directed Rip Torn. The first day at Larry Sanders, I never directed, never even thought about directing, but Gary asked me to do it. I read his book on directing, and the one thing I took from it is he said,

when you give notes to an actor, give almost nothing. He's like, if you give it the tiniest note, it will change every single thing they do. And I did that with Rip. And he still ripped my head off. Wait, so saying that, do you have to be very vague about what you tell the actor? Because they're so like, well, if you're not line reading them and giving them eight things, you'd be just going like, I don't know, I think you'd be a little more upset in this.

Every choice they make in the scene is going to be different. That was his advice. But he's a big... It's about being specific about what you're saying because if you're arbitrary, they're a fish looking for water. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Chris?

Chris Thompson once gave me a note when I was doing this series called Hard Knocks. You're welcome. I never saw Hard Knocks, but I remember the TV spot that you guys used to do on Showtime after It's Gary Shandling. In 1988. I used to say. You doing the questionnaire.

With the dude. I remember that. Yeah, you're right. Oh, I almost didn't. I remember saying to the cast once, remember, when we were taping, we're not doing this for the 200 people here in the audience tonight. We're doing it for the 200 people watching. Showtime. But you know who ran Showtime then and cast me? Peter Chernin. Oh, wow, yeah. Early Chernin. Who can get a table anywhere. Anyway, I'm going to make you feel bad about this table thing. But...

But what were you talking about before that? You were heading into something else. I know. What were we talking about? What did I say? About your acting. No, we were talking about margaritas. David Mamet? Oh, yeah, we were talking about David Mamet, yes. Well, let me answer your question more directly. Oh, Chris Thompson. Chris Thompson. Okay, there you go. Thank you.

One of us has to be the designated thinker. Chris Thompson gave me a note. I guess I fucked up this scene or something.

And he was like, look, I could give you motivation or talk about your back or anything, but act better. Sometimes I tell that story to my writers, like once every five years, and I'll just be like, write better. You know, just, you know, it's not complicated. Do it like you did, but not like you just did it. Remember when you cared? So I didn't know you two guys had a...

know each other what's at the director's club are you cast directors club well no no actually well we met each other uh especially through adam sandler during the the time that i did little nicky i was like hanging on that that crew for a while and so we went to a bunch of different things together but also i think fringes and geeks had just went off the air or was on its way to go off the air and i had missed it but but that whole happy madison crowd was like crazy for it

So I mentioned it, and this is back in videocassettes.

He got me a box of literally the entire season, up until it had stopped airing, all on video. And I still have those video because I have a big video collection. So I had a whole box. A Jew building a business. There's nothing wrong. And I started watching like, oh my God, this is Dazed and Confused as a fucking TV show. This is really fucking amazing.

You know, and then, and like, oh, so what I would like be with Adam's people like, oh, that's who that fucking guy is. The guy who always hangs out with Leslie Mann. Okay, that's who he is. All right. But I feel bad because when I did Funny People with Sandler,

I wasn't aware that that was the exact time that you were trying to use him for Inglourious Basterds. No, no. If he wasn't, obviously he should have done yours because of the whole thing of it. I mean, you start with the fucking videocassette of you guys as kids. Sam Levine was in that movie. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But the thing is, yeah, the Bear Jew was going to, I wrote the Bear Jew for Adam Sandler.

Is that right? And when I was doing Little Nicky, I'm telling him back, oh man, I get to fucking beat the Nazis with a bat. Fuck, this is getting fucking awesome. I can't fucking wait. I can't fucking wait. It was like telling every Jewish guy, I'm going to fucking play this guy who beats up Nazis with a fucking bat.

So he didn't do it. Well, he literally just signed. Yeah. We were literally making our movies at the exact same time, and he just signed to do Funny People. But I had to lock Adam in like a year and a half. And literally, when the movies opened, they opened up within three weeks of each other. I had to lock Adam in like a year and a half before we shot. Yeah, yeah. It was like, hey, in a year and a half, are you going to be free this summer? Yeah, yeah. So we worked on that for a long time. Well, luckily, his career was not hurt by not doing your movies. Yeah.

which I'm sure killed your movie in the box office. But Funny People is another awesome movie. Here's the problem.

He wrapped up all the good Jews. That was the problem. Seth Rogen, all the good Jews were doing funny people. I'm killing Hitler with baseball bats and there's no good Jews available. David Krumholtz, nobody. All the good Jews were all wrapped up. I'm doing the Jewish male fantasy. And the fucking comics have got the Jews wrapped up.

I'm stuck with Sam Levine. Okay. I want David Crumholtz. I get Sam Levine. That's where I am. Isn't that awesome? My entire career is built on Sam Levine. We used to do a bit on Politically Incorrect called Want, Settle, Get.

And we would, I mean, I bet you all the names we have now or we had in that bit would be, I don't think kids even know who they were. Oh, you mean from our guests? Yeah. It was like you want Clint Eastwood, whoever was like the A-list at the time. Yeah. You'll get Roy Scheider, you know, whatever it was, and you'll wind up with, and the punchline is. I do a whole thing about that in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood where,

the Marvin Schwarz character, the Asian who puts American talent in foreign films. Al Pacino. That's a spectacular gig. You're putting American talent in Italian movies. And it's like, well, the Italians, you know. Yeah.

They want Warren Beatty, they get George Hamilton. Right, that's the bit. They want Marlon Brando, they get Burr Rouse. They want Steve McQueen, they get you, Rick Dalton. Or they get Ty Hartman. I don't know. You may be like 10 years too young to be tickled by that movie as much as someone of our ages.

I mean, I was very moved by it. I thought the ending was really emotional. Why do you think it was so emotional? To me, it's like lost... What? Lost... Oh, it's... Optimism or... It's a fucking... Well, it's an interesting thing, actually, because it's like when you realize in the movie, when you're watching, when you realize Sharon isn't going to die,

And then all of a sudden, like, Abigail Folger joins them. And there's all this, like, overhead godlike shot. And you're like, they're all safe. All the people who died that night, they're safe. And the bad guys have been put down. It goes off and then it has this once upon a time in the title and it's like tinkly music box music. And it's like touching and it's nice. But almost fairly shortly after you acknowledge that this is a nice fairy tale,

You also acknowledge it's a nice fairy tale that did not happen. Of course, but it was your movie. We knew that was going to happen. No, no, no. I get that. I get that. You already killed Hitler. No, no, no. No, actually, no, it was actually funny. What's her fucking head? What's her fucking head? Yeah, I'm...

fancy Hollywood journalist. I can't remember her name right now. All right. A critic? No, no, well, to the famous journalist who talks to Hollywood people. Rona Barrett. Now I can't say it. Rona Barrett. Now I can't say it. Stop dating yourself. But that is, it's that long. Rona Barrett, grandpa? You didn't tell me. It's not Rona Barrett, but it might as well be Rona Barrett. All right. Hedda Harper. No, you're, he was, you're turning it, you're taking it into a further afield. All right.

But she asked me when that movie came out, the last one, she asked me, she goes, okay, so, well now, okay, so you're rewriting history and killing these bad guys. But you've already done that in Inglourious Basterds. So...

Is that you being uncreative and you're just going back to the old thing? And I was like, no. I can do it anytime I want. You can't fucking do it. You're ripping me off if you do it. I fucking started this shit. I can do it next five movies if I want. And they wonder why, you know, we sometimes bitch.

Because what a just a cunty approach, you know, like it's just cunty, you know.

She was okay, because she actually appreciated my answer, but it was like, you know... There's no perspective. It wasn't a serious... She wasn't... Look, I'll defend her for a second. She wasn't being super serious. It was about, well, what would you say to people? Even though I never say, what would you say to... You know what it reminds me of? It reminds me of what I consider the lowest job in the world, which is the sports reporters who ask questions of athletes after a game. Yeah, right. Those men...

Those girly men who are like, you know, LeBron, you know, you lost by two points. You think you could have done something more and you just, you know.

This five foot eight little nebbish. Yeah. Asking this giant. Hoping he doesn't get a bucket of ice. We're in a different circumstance. Shut the fuck up, you little fuck. You know? And just, it's kind of. But what about the fans? You know, just questions that are hard to answer. And could you do something different? Or, you know, how, how,

How? Every question now begins with how. How excited were you? Well, I mean... How much did this hurt your chance? Look, in celebrity, the celebrity version of that is the person on the red carpet doing the interviews. But that's the celebrity version of it. That's not coming after having won or lost a game.

And coming off of like, no, you've got that whole energy going through. No, you've just done your thing. You've done what nobody else, even if you get through the fucking game, what nobody else in that fucking auditorium could do. That's the point. Especially the little pipsqueak asking you these questions. Like, you know,

Could you have done better? I don't know. Could you have made the junior varsity squad? Oh, no. Not even that. You know, like, just, you know, no perspective. No respect for, you know. When you watch movies, all I think the whole time is, God, this must have been so hard to do. Right. Right? You just think of that just years and years of thought. I've got to ask you two guys about 1917. I'm so glad you said that. 1917. Yeah.

First of all, now I don't know if it could even be nominated for Best Picture because they have these rules about minority representation. And unfortunately for people of color, they were not able to get into World War I, which is a shame because it was a great time in those trenches. At least in World War II you had North Africa.

Yeah, you could. You know, at least that's right. Put the Berbers in or something. OK, it looks to me. First of all, I think it's it should have won every award. That was my year. It definitely should have won that award. That was your year? Yeah, that was my year. Oh, OK. Well. No, you don't have to change your opinion. I just don't agree. I don't think you can cover it all the way.

If the thing is like achievement in like, whatever the phrase is. No, make your point. I'm doing my point. Achievement in motion picture science or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I've never seen a movie that looks like that. I felt like they took, same thing with almost The Revenant. I think you're making it a little too big of a deal. Okay, maybe I am. I'm not a director. But like 1917 looks to me like it's two shots. Okay, well.

That's a trick? Well, it obviously is a trick. I mean, what's going on... How do you... I'll tell you where I'm coming from, where 1917 would be truly, truly impressive, is if they did the movie with six cuts and that's it. No, no, not...

Seven minute cuts and another eight minutes and then another seven minutes and another six minutes and then invisible. Here's my question. How do... It's all invisible cuts. I'm just delaying. Well, no, they're all connecting. Okay, they're all connecting. But there's no... How could something have no...

where I go, oh, I see where they cut here. No, no, no. What's the trick? Look, no, no. They do a very good job of that. How? Look, I can tell where half of the big leap cuts are. If I'm paying attention, I can tell where half of the big... And of course, I'm watching the movie, so I'm paying attention. How?

Well, because it's like, oh, a big flash happens, a big bomb happens. That happens once, and then one, there's one where I feel like the director is almost... I'm not saying they're doing a bad job of that. No, I feel like there's one cut which I feel like it's the director saying to the audience, look what I'm doing, because he walks into a building, a bomb goes off, the screen goes totally black for 10 seconds. Yeah. I feel like he's saying... Well, that's in reset. I feel like he's saying to the audience...

Just notice, for the first hour of this movie, you didn't see a cut. And now I'm giving you 10 seconds to think about what a cut is. And now I'm gonna do the rest of the movie, which is even more complicated,

without looking like another cut. No, no, no. That's actually not... Maybe this is a dumb opinion. No, no, no. That's not a wrong dissertation on what he was doing. It's not too dissimilar from what Hitchcock did. Well, Hitchcock committed to doing the long takes in Rope. But Hitchcock has one cut in Rope. And it's the most impactful

moment in Rome. There's so much less happening. They're in an apartment. Yes, but... They're in an apartment. This is all of World War I. Look, I agree, but never the... Come on. That's not... You can't... Look, if you're going to do the whole thing about long cuts, then it's got to be about long cuts. Even if...

if it was like 15 minutes per cut. All right, that would be more real. - I still can't tell where the cut is. Can you? Bill, let me just say one of them. - You can tell where the cuts are. - Woody from "Toy Story" is not real.

It's all fake. He's so excited about the cut. How can something look like there's no cut and there's a cut? You're just too impressed by that, all right? Apparently I am, but I'm not you. They did a good job with it. I would be more impressed

I'm not that impressed about these long cuts where they're doing invisible cuts. I mean, like, for instance, when I watched... There's even a name for it in an invisible cut. Okay, yeah, yeah, there is a name. See, I didn't even know that. Okay, like, for instance, okay, when I saw... Treat me like the bartender. I'm just a fucking bartender. I don't know about your... I don't understand the movie magic. I don't know about your business, sir. You tell me you're some sort of a director, I believe you. I mean, this guy, I don't know, he says he's a director. I mean, I can't get him, I can't get him.

I couldn't direct a column of ants through a melting Hershey bar, but you, sir, I believe you. Now tell me your theory.

I mean, look, when I'm like watching the long fight in Atomic Blonde, I'm like, my God, this is fucking amazing. This is fucking amazing. Okay, wait a minute. No, the shots, the shots took a shit. The shots not going on this long. They took a shit. And now it's just all tainted. Yeah. It's all tainted. Because you spotted it, you mean? Well, because it's all tainted.

obviously they didn't carry it through. I mean, look, to me the reason to do a long take, and I'm not saying they didn't do long takes in 1917, they obviously did long takes in 1917, but your Ransom Dutre, everything that you're about is the long takes.

well then really fucking do it go 15 minutes per fucking take and you're saying they didn't do that no they didn't do that and this and this Santa Claus figure that you that you speak of my friend alright so I gotta wrap this up there's one more thing though there's one more thing there's one more thing about 1917 because I actually like the movie but a friend of mine brought up something that oh my god once he brought it up I couldn't unhear it

He was complaining about it because he felt it played too much like a video game. Now, I don't play video games, so I didn't really necessarily feel that. I've never ever seen one. No, I don't play video games, so I don't feel that per se. So I'm actually thinking it feels more innovative than maybe somebody who plays video games does. All right. But the president of these video games was like, it's Wolfenstein the movie. But

I would like it better. This famous Nazi werewolf thing, a game called Wolfenstein. It's like Wolfenstein the movie, but I would like it better if it was Wolfenstein the movie. Okay. All right. So I'm going to wrap this up with this. Yes, maybe I'm a stupid bartender who doesn't understand filmmaking. To me, that was very impressive.

It is impressive. But wait, let me just finish. But what movie did I like better? It's not even close, which is your movie. You didn't need to end it with that. But it's the truth. I have many flaws. Even my enemies don't think I'm a liar. But why aren't you impressed with the way he made Los Angeles look like L.A. in the 70s? He had to build streets digitally. It's one of my...

I'm gonna say this, I was gonna say this to him, I'll say it here, over there, I might repeat myself. His movies up until Hollywood were all like revenge movies. That's what we loved. It's so basic, and he got to that thing.

He's like Hugh Hefner with naked women. Like it was lying right there, but he found it. But the last movie he made, this is what I was trying to tell him when he was on the show. I said, he can't quit now. His last movie is by far my favorite because it's a love story.

He went from revenge story, revenge, to a love story between two men. But it's still a love story. So it got me on a very deep emotional level. Also, like, that era is my era. The stuff, everything, the TV was like, I'm telling you, it tickled me on a way, I don't know if it can... Well, the people who work so hard to make it in the business who don't reach the highest levels...

I mean, there's something so sympathetic about how many people love movies and they don't get... Only a few people get to that level. It's one of the most emotionally moving movies I've ever seen. And I say that it is behind Saving Private Ryan because Saving Private Ryan, like, is my father. Yeah, yeah, yeah. World War II, when he, at the end of the movie, when Ryan is now, like...

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Speed it up. And he's now the present day Ryan in the late 90s. I mean, he looked exactly the kind of shirt my father wore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I watched it in the theater, I was 20 minutes after the movie ended, I was still in the seat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crying. Yeah. Like I had, my father died like six years earlier and I think I had...

suppressed as we do until I saw that. No, it just kind of all came out that night. That was like on a first date. This poor girl must be like, poor girl. Jesus Christ. Was she next to you or in the lobby waiting? This incel is like fucking crying his eyes out on the first date. What a fucking pussy cab. All right. I have to go back to my day job. And now, Miss Pat.

I've been excited to talk to you for a while, so I'm in a good mood. How about you? I'm fine. Can I get you a drink? Oh, I got a drink. You have a drink already. Yeah, I don't want any of your tobacco, but I'm going to take your drink. No, I don't want to be a bad influence. Too late for that shit. I'm 50 now. Really? You're 50? Yeah.

50, well... No, you know black don't crack, but... I was going to say, talent don't crack. Well, my knee's giving out, so I feel 50 some days. You look fantastic. Thank you, thank you. It's unbelievable. Must be quite a...

Quite a ride you're on now. I mean, to be blowing up like this, as the kids say. It must feel very good. It took 20 years, but not bad at all. Takes everybody 20 years. It do take 20 years. You know, they say if you still eat it after 10, something good might happen to you. Well, comedy takes a long time. It does. Music flowers early, but then it's usually gone early, too. Yeah. You know, musicians, you can be a big star at 20 and be a has-been.

At 30. But comedy, you can do it when you're 100. You can. Joan Rivers died doing it. Yeah. I mean, she wasn't quite 100, but yes, George Burns, I think, almost was 100. So, yeah, you're just getting started. Yeah. 20 years. I mean, I was hoping it happened. It happened. It would have been nicer in my 30s, but I think I appreciated more in my 50s.

Well, you say you're only 50 now. Yeah. Okay, so you've got the whole decade ahead of you. 50s is nothing. 60, that gets the little... That's a little bit of a slap in the face. 60 is different than 50, I'm just going to tell you. Okay, what's different? Well, 50s, for me, I mean, your mileage could be very different. Okay.

For me, the 50s was like more of a continuation of the 40s. It was, you know, everything that was good was a little better. Like I had a little more control, a little more recognition. You know, everything that was accruing in a good way. And also, anything that was bad was a little, you know, but on a...

60, I feel, is a different stage of life. It's like, you know, I think when I was 60, I remember doing a piece about it, and one of the jokes was like, among old people, you're the youngest. You're like almost officially part of that category. You're on the younger half, but you're still in the... That's how the world sees you. And...

And your body also becomes more fragile. You've got to really take care of it. Well, my kids think I'm old as hell. Well, fucking kids always think their parent is old, of course. Well, my daughter is 14 years younger than me, and she still thinks I'm old. And I'm like, excuse me, you're about to be 40, sweetheart. So she's a millennial. Yeah.

She's 36. She must be crazy proud of you. She is. She is. I had her really young. She saw a lot. But, yeah, all my kids, I have four of them. They're pretty proud of their mom. What do they think? I mean, it must blow their minds that mom is like a celebrity and, you know, people are...

putting her on TV and giving her deals and she's got all this money coming in. I mean that can't be. Don't talk about the money. I ain't got no money. I don't give them my damn money. I know you have money now. I do. I'm okay. I know what you're on and what you're doing. I know what the pay parameters are. It's not minimum wage you're working for. It's not minimum wage. Maybe it goes fast because you got all these kids. It don't go fast because I don't give them shit.

Really? No, I'm not that type of mom. I did give them jobs on my show. I give them jobs for me, but I'm not going to hand you my money. Nobody hand me my money. I like that. So, you know. I think America needs more of that with the kids. I'm on the warpath about shitty parenting, too easy parenting. I think it's this absolute seed of what has ruined America.

is a lot, to a great degree. I mean, it's many things, but the fact that parents, first of all, they let kids out of school without knowing anything. That's horrible parenting. Kids, you can be a high school graduate and be a complete fucking idiot.

about the most basic things like history, science, you know, spelling, that's bad parenting, and just letting kids think that they automatically have an equal voice at the table? You know, a lot of my friends say that. They let them vent. I say, only vents in my fucking house is connected to the air conditioning. Yeah.

You don't pay no bills. So why do I need to hear your bullshit? You don't pay no bills. So why do I need to let you vent? If you want to vent, they call a diary. Go find some paper and write that shit down and read it in 20 years and see how stupid you really was. You tell your kids? Yeah, I tell my kids. I tell them all the time, go to hell. I mean, I don't owe you nothing. I mean, look, I told them, I said, I had a choice and I kept you.

You couldn't have been here. I could have sent you back to heaven or hell, wherever God created you from. But I chose to carry you for nine months to have you, so I don't owe you anything. Right. If anybody, they owe you. Yeah. That's what I told. I tell my daughter all the time. And my son, I said, dude, I had y'all at 14 and 15. Y'all wasn't supposed to be here. Right. You know, I chose to keep you. You should have been somewhere in a jar. Right. Like the kids after you. Right.

I fucking kept you. Yes. So, you know, I have grown. You should keep a jar.

on the shelf whenever they give you some lip just point to it just point to the jar look just shake it look give them a look and point at the jar like you could have easily been spaghetti bitch be quiet oh yeah but you know i think i got pretty good kids but you know some of them do think that you owe them something this country i tell you is going to uh be shocked to

on election day, I predict, in November, when they find out how much Americans of both parties care about abortion as an issue. Because since the Supreme Court took it away, we have

A few indications, like the people in Kansas got to vote on it. Kansas, a very conservative state. And they overwhelmingly were like, uh-uh. We do not want to have kids we don't want. Well, the thing is, why is there a bunch of soft-dick... Can I curse? You're at Club Random for fuck's sake. How can a bunch of soft-dick men, white men, make decisions on vaginality they can't even touch if they wanted to?

Their penis don't even work. If your penis work, you shouldn't even have a say-so about what I can do with my vagina. And even if it does work, you shouldn't have a say-so. I don't know why we have to bring white men into this because Clarence Thomas is probably the most anti-abortion. No, he's white. He's white. He just got a good tan. No, that's not fair. We can let y'all have Clarence Thomas for vanilla ice. Vanilla ice. But people in this country...

That is going to really light a fire because it's not like these other issues. You know, Ukraine, it's important. I couldn't agree more with the – it is impeachable, but it's very far away and a lot of people never heard of it. A lot of things people never heard of. You know what they heard of? Babies. They've heard of babies. And when you don't want a baby, you really – it's not like –

You know, a piece of gym equipment that, you know, oh, God, I guess another one that will just sit in the garage in six months. You know, it's kind of a big thing and it's going to be there forever. And, you know, I'm just saying the way people raise their kids and how fucking bratty kids are these days, it's just not a great advertisement for kids.

children as a product? Well, before it became illegal, people were still getting it. So people are going to get it regardless, I think. Abortions? Yes, but still, I don't understand why do they even have to vote on that? This is my body. I shouldn't be forced to have anything or do anything that I don't want to. No, look, I'm pro-choice like you are, but I also think they should not tell the people who are pro-life that

You're anti-women. You hate women. It's not about that. They don't hate women. They think it's murder. And if you think it's murder, then you can't be, well, except if you have a vagina, then you can murder people. If you think that's a murder, it's a murder. You're talking about hating women. That's their point of view. I personally never have thought that life was necessarily precious.

Damn. Really? I mean, normally it is. But, I mean, if you think about a, you know, some horrific mass murderer, remorseless, who killed lots of people for no good reason and is rotting in prison and will never see the light of day. He's in a little cell in solitary. Is that life precious? What is he living for? He's just continuing breathing. Yeah.

That doesn't break my heart if we put that guy to death. And people who are never born, I mean, sorry, we won't miss you. How could we? We had never met you. And you won't miss us because you never met us. What? You know, that makes me think when I was pregnant with my girlfriend. With your what? My girlfriend was pregnant. One of my friends was pregnant. Yeah. And it was pregnant at the same time. And she used to get so mad because she used to talk to her stomach.

which I thought it was the dumbest shit ever. And she was like, you don't talk to the baby. How the baby going to get to know you? I'm like, I don't know the fucking baby. I feed the baby. When the baby get here, I know the fucking baby. I might not even like the baby. So why am I, she would put headsets on her stomach so the baby can listen to music. I'm like, I'm not doing that dumb shit, okay? So she would just talk to her stomach all the time. And I just thought it was dumb as shit. And I'm like, if the baby's in there, she's trying to rest and you fucking with her.

By putting this music on that she's not even familiar with, the baby don't want to hear this bullshit. And the baby wants you to shut the fuck up because that's why the baby's kicking. Like, can you shut the fuck up, please? How were your pregnancies? Were they difficult?

My first two, I was really young. I had that first baby at 14, and I was back on my bike in two days. I was going to say, you know, it's, of course, too young, we know, probably mature-wise for people, certainly in modern society, to have children at that age. But nature is not against it.

Nature is okay with getting pregnant and having children at that young age, or else it wouldn't happen. Yeah. And it's probably easier because your body is so resilient. I'm not going to encourage this. No, no, I'm not saying, I'm just saying nature, and much of the world still does that.

Well, with my first two, it was a lot easier than my last two. I was in my late 20s, and I had my first and then 14 and 15, and, I mean, the babies just popped right out. I had horrible labors with my last two kids. I had to have a surclarge where they sew up your womb because it was weak. I was sick all the time. But the first two babies, I mean, I was back riding my bicycle back at school like nothing had happened. Right.

Yeah. I mean, again, nature, not obeying the laws of wokeness is all about that. And, you know, there are parts of the world, I'm sure, you know, where you're an old maid at 21.

It's like there's village mores probably in, I don't know where, the tribal areas of Pakistan or something, where I'm guessing that most of the births happened before 20. Yeah.

Yeah. But you're not an old maid here in America. They want you at 21 in America. I'm an old maid in America. Actually, the biggest trend, especially out here in L.A., which is sort of like pretty boy country, this is a MILF city. It is.

That's a lot of, you see more like women of certainly your age, you know, that is not out of bounds for a lot of the guys, especially young guys here. They like that, you know, especially like you, you have money, take care of them. No, the fuck I can't. I was about to say, they want handicapped parking sticks and social security checks. So they come over during the nighttime and play with our old titties and go out and hang out with the younger girls while we're asleep. Ha ha ha!

That may be true, too. That is true. Is that really true? I don't know. I mean, I've been married almost 30 years. I don't want no young guy that can go for 20 minutes. You've been married 30 years? Almost, yeah. Wow. Yeah, same guy. To the same guy. Mm-hmm. Wow, that's really quite a thing. Yeah. And still good? I love him some days. Yeah.

Yeah. I never got married. Really? Yeah. You ain't missing shit. You just missing somebody to share your fucking TV with. You could do that with a girlfriend and send her home. We are brought to you by SignalWire. SignalWire powers the future of cloud communications.

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Or, well, I mean, you bring up TV with marriage. It's interesting because when I get into bed at night, what I have to do, the last thing I always have to do in the day is TV. I know it's not the best thing for sleep because you don't really want to be looking at screens before you go to sleep. It tells your body to wake up. So...

phones, computers, but I have to watch TV before I go to bed. It's the most passive thing. It's enjoyable, but very few things keep my interest for more than 15, 20 minutes. So I'll watch 15 minutes of one movie, 15 minutes of another. What? You're looking at me like that's the most insane thing you've ever heard. You don't finish. You're never going to know what happened.

know what happened tomorrow I'll watch another 15 minutes it'd be like when you read a book you don't read the whole book at once if it's good enough some people can't stop flipping the pages if you got time a page turner yeah but if you were just watching 15 of this movie and 15 of that movie tomorrow I'll watch the next 15 minutes but how the

How the hell are you going to remember what you saw if you just watched three 15-minute movies? Because I remember, because it's not that hard. I mean, when I turned it off last night, Liam Neeson was going over to kill the Albanians. It's not that hard to pick it up at the point where he's in Albania killing Albanians. I get it. I ain't going to say what I was going to say. Say it. Liam Neeson do the same movie, so I can see why he's doing 15 minutes. Perhaps that's why that name sprung into my head.

I love you, but everybody keeps kidding about his fucking family. I'm like, if y'all give him one more fucking... He's shameless. He really is. Just send him to... He did one where it was on a plane, and then I swear to God, they took the exact same script and just changed plane to train. And...

It was the same exact story. I know, right? You like, how many times are they going to take your damn family, man? You need to change them to the furniture at the house. Damn your family, Kate. Why'd they get kidnapped like this? You need to take them somewhere on a little black drive-by so they can learn some shit. Take them to the hood and show them how not to get kidnapped. That daughter, that wife, the cat, the dog, they done stole his dishes. I'm just kidding.

There was lines like, if you shoot me, you'll never get off this train. Yes, they will, because they got to make another one with you at the house with the next kidnapping.

You're going to fly this train into a mountain. That's Bill making fun of you, not me. Liam Neeson and I have beef. Really? Yeah, because he is a big supporter of torturing horses by having them carry horses.

Stupid motherfuckers around Central Park. You know, those handsome cabs in New York where it's a carriage where the horses... You don't like carriages? I don't like torturing animals. Is that torturing an animal?

I would guess that if you saw a horse in the wild, you wouldn't think it was dreaming about standing and shitting in a bucket and carrying tourists around a park. No, I don't think that's what the horse was looking to do when it was born and you see them. Well, fuck, you just mess me up on the times I get on them. Now I'm going to be thinking about you every time I get rid of you. You need a ride. What, you get in horse-drawn carriages, Ms. Pat? Yeah.

Shut up. I ain't saying shit to you. No, I want to know about this carriage fetish you have. I mean, kids use them for proms. Right. They use them for proms. They use them for funerals. I'm an animal lover. I'm against all that kind of shit. I am, too. I just don't own any. Yeah.

You don't have pets? No, I got too many fucking kids that have animals. You know, my heads go off to people who can have an expensive dog. I had a dog back in the day where you could tie him up to the tree. You do that shit today, you're going to jail. Really? Yeah.

Yeah, you can't tie no dog up to no tree anymore. Why is that hurting a dog? Well, they say you can't tie them up anymore, so I don't sit and tie them up. Well, that's ridiculous. They walk them, they pick up their shits. We never did that when I was a kid. We tied the dog to the tree all the time. Yeah, but you can't be tying a dog. He had a chain. It wasn't like he was choking. Yeah, and he had a dog house.

And now they're in their bed. They got on high-heeled shoes, and they wear clothes. And, you know, they get their vagina waxed when the owner get their vagina waxed. So I'm not fucking no animal. I got kids. But your kids are grown, aren't they? No, but I have custody of my niece. How old's the youngest one? In my house? Nine. Nine? Yes. You had a baby nine years ago? No, I did not. I had somebody give me a fucking baby nine years ago. On purpose? Yeah.

Well, I went to help her because she was on drugs. And so I picked her up and the baby was newborn. Two weeks. She just ran off and left me with the fucking kids. Really? So I've had them. It's four of them. The oldest is 14. The baby is nine. I saw that in an episode of Euphoria where they just leave a baby.

with somebody. I mean, and that's so good of you that you, like, I mean, you could have, like, brought it to a foster home or something. Well, that's not the first set of kids I've raised. I raised her mom, and then I raised my other sister-in-law kids. So that's my third set of kids that I've raised. Oh, M.G.,

Wow. You and I have some real big differences. Fuck yeah, we do. I mean, I have always avoided kids like long COVID. I mean, look, I understand they're popular. They must be. Even celebrities do it. But why? I mean, they're just... Well... I just never got it because, like...

I'm very meticulous about like snot and shit. I hate all that stuff. Well, if you had a wife. If you have a wife. Well, there's another deal breaker. Another thing I don't want. You can fucking have a nanny. You're not going to be no nanny. Back up from I hate kids. A wife.

You can have a nanny. You never have to deal with snobs and bobs and bullshit. No, I do know guys. I do. I know guys.

who have never changed the diaper. Yeah. They have wives and nannies. That's what it is. Yeah. But I worry about that one moment when the wife and the nanny are both somehow incapacitated at the same time and the baby has shit in his drawers and it's on me and I think...

You have shit in your drawers. It's just less. I mean, it's just more. What? Have you taken off your underwear? You have shit in your underwear? The babies have a little bit more than you do. Wait, I don't have... What do you mean I have shit in my underwear? All men's got shit in their underwear. I don't. Y'all don't wipe good. I do. I'm telling you. You're talking to...

Anal retentive. You've heard the term? No. You've never heard anal retentive when they're talking about somebody being anal? Yeah. Okay. Anal means very neat, very fastidious. Okay. Well, you wipe your ass real good. Okay. The baby will just have shit in his pamper. You can wipe this shit off your baby's pamper. It's your baby. You know what? I would. If it came to it, of course I would because I'm not a bad person.

But I'd have nightmares about it for months. Well, what are you, 60-something? You have no kids. Who the fuck are you going to leave all your money to? The cat?

PETA, the people who prevent horses from having to be tortured. That's who gets my money. Oh, love it. My sister. You know, I mean, I'm not going to go through my whole will. Okay, I just want to make sure. But it would be nice to leave a kid set up right. I think I left my 45s to Scott in New Jersey, who I went to school with. But no, you know, I don't know. Yes, I...

Somebody would carry the baby and raise it and then bring it back when you're ready to fool with it. There's a series of very good causes that are all politically correct that I'm lending my money to. PETA, reading to blind children. I could go through the whole list and pat myself on the back. Okay, okay. PETA, get ready. Not today. Hopefully 30, 40 years from now. No, I mean...

I have no problem spending it while I'm here. It's just that I don't have expensive tastes. There's nowhere else I'd rather be right now than here with you at Club Random. And it didn't cost me anything. I just came across the lawn.

You sound like my husband, Bill. He don't want to do shit. He just retired. Oh, really? Well, yeah, after the show got its second season, I was like, dude, retire. I'm ready to leave fucking Indiana. I hate Indiana. Indiana? Yeah, we lived there for 15 years because he worked at General Motors. What city? Plainfield, Indiana. Where is that?

You know, let me tell you the history of playing field. When Mike Tyson did his time for that rape charge, he did it right in front of the house I lived in. Is that right? Mm-hmm. It was a prison there. And that's what that community was known for, Mike Tyson doing his time at that jail. I loved playing Indianapolis. No.

Really? That is an awesome crowd. Yeah, I love it. They support me. That's where my comedy career took off. But I'm from Atlanta. I'm from the South. I just wanted to go back home. Well, Indiana, yeah. I mean, other than like the college town Bloomfield? Bloomington. That's another good city. Indianapolis, any place where, you know, cities you're going to have a mostly liberal audience, but they're in a red state. So they're not like crazy liberal. They're just good liberal. No, they're not crazy. They're good. So they're perfect.

I love Indianapolis. I must say, other than that, the only time I've been to Indiana was once I emergency landed in Gary.

Emergency landed in Gary. Exactly. That was an emergency. That bitch looked like somebody blew it up down there. I'm like, what? I ain't lying. We were trying to get into Chicago. This is about, oh my gosh, like 13 years ago. And there was a fucking electrical storm going around. I mean, when you looked out of the plane, everywhere you looked,

was lightning. Now, this is a private plane. It's a little seven-seater. Of course. I didn't think Delta would land in Gary, Indiana, Bill Maher. Come on now. Delta in Gary, Indiana? Ain't no damn way. You would have made it to Chicago. Thank you. So I remember hearing the pilot say, we got to put this on the ground now, which is not the thing you want to overhear the pilot say.

But they did. And that's where it was. Because the airfield was closed, we had to climb over the fence. Oh, I loved it. Wow. I loved it. Well, at least you didn't land in downtown Gary. That would have been some shit for you, Bill. Because I've been downtown Gary. Isn't that where the Jackson 5 are from? They're from Gary, yes. Yes. Right. But it looked like a bomb been through that bitch. Really? It really do. Well, not their fault.

Yeah, Gary. So, okay, so how long have you been in California? I don't live here. I live in Atlanta. Oh, okay. I just come here for, you know, whatever. Yeah, that's right. I could never live here. You couldn't? No, I don't like this place. Why? Um...

I just-- Snooty? It's everybody's face pulled back. Everybody jogging in spandex pants. Everybody eating asparagus. You know, I don't want to be around another fat motherfucker like you. I see what it is. I don't want to be-- I don't know. So all the cliches about California come alive for you when you're in LA, which they do. Pretty much. Everybody's doing something. You know, everybody lying. It's just so much bullshit. Nobody tells you the truth.

Nobody in this city tells you the fucking truth. Well, my line was always, at least we're honest about being phony. Oh, well, that might be real. You can argue with that, but there is some truth to that. Because not to pick more fights with New York, because I certainly loved, I've lived in New York twice. I grew up in the area. My father worked there every day. I love my New York, but I never wanted to live there. The two times I lived there. And I found it.

like hypocritical that they put on themselves this mantle of, oh, New York, we're so much more sophisticated because we have the museums and the... How often do you go to a museum? I always want to say to these people. When do you actually... Okay, you live near the museum. It doesn't actually rub off on you. I found them to be just like people anywhere else...

Not more sophisticated than the people. It's where you live. I mean, who you hang out with where you live. Most of the people I hang out with here in L.A. are ex-New Yorkers. And I'm lucky. I've lived here 40 years. I came out with a crew of comedians. I had this support group. We're still friends. And you meet people along the way. Lots of people like to live in L.A. You look at most celebrities...

Even people who aren't celebrities, who they can, they want, Prince fucking Harry and Mrs. Harry, they live here. Why does everyone want to live here? I don't know. I'd rather live in Atlanta. I'd rather, you know. Atlanta's awesome, too. Yeah. I mean, it's a baby Hollywood. Well, yes. You know, it's the same there. It's getting there. Plus, you know. It's also the black capital of America. That's another reason. Ha, ha, ha.

As long as we're talking real. Right, Ms. Pat? I don't want to be around everybody that don't look like me. Exactly. I can take a mixture of people, but that's what was wrong with Indiana. It was so fucking white. All they did was bake pies. Who had that?

I was like, bake pies and go to church. I'm like, do you bitches know anything else than serving your man? Exactly. So I just, I just, I mean. You got the right. Yeah. I don't want to be around. I want to be around diverse. You know, you want to be happy. Whatever makes you happy. And that should be enough for all of us. And the real estate is a lot cheaper. And it is. You know, and it's happening. It's a happening town. It's awesome. Atlanta is awesome. It's,

You know, there's a Chicago I adore. I wouldn't live in Chicago for shit, but Chicago is nice. No? Oh, my God, no. Really? No. Chicago has a different type of bread of people up there. Is that right? Yeah, it's right. I think I love Chicago. I mean, it's... I like to perform there. I love the little club Zany's. That's my spot, but...

I wouldn't live there. I'd just rather live in Atlanta. Well, it's too cold to live there in the winter. Very much. Snow is in Indiana, and wigs don't mix. Oh, yes. No. No, I mean...

Why people live in really punishingly cold climates now that it is an option not to, I never understand. I get it when you were a nomad of yesteryear by 10,000 years and you had to live here in the tundra because if you migrated south, this other tribe would kill you or something like that, your food supply. I...

But why would you live? I mean, I have been to these places, not in many years because I wouldn't go, but I've played Minneapolis.

in just December, where you walk out of the hotel and you're like, oh, it's not that bad. And then you walk one block and you go, oh, fuck, I need to get indoors right now because I think... I'm going to die. Because it's painful. It's not just, ooh, it's not like, ooh, cold. It's like, uh-oh, I'm worried. In Minneapolis, I was so cold one time, I felt my lips swelling.

Yeah. You feel like I feel like I had a fucking lip job by the time I got in. So I don't. And I hate cold weather, like freezing cold, like snow and stuff like that. I can take Atlanta. Atlanta get about 60 something and we down there freezing.

Now that I've been in Indiana 15 years, I can handle it. Yeah, Atlanta's very, I mean, it's kind of like this weather, except probably a little more humid in the summer. It's hot as fuck. Right, but it's also, we get hot too, but we don't, see, this is desert weather. That's why I think it's so desirable is that it's always cool at night.

even if it's blazing hot in the day, and it's not that humidity. I wish we had some humidity because we have no fucking water out here, and we're all just going to roll up and die at some point because I don't know where the...

I don't know where this shit is coming from when I turn on the tap because we never rains. But somehow I'm drinking it right now and somehow it still comes out. You bought that. That's why you got that. That did not come from your fucking tap, okay? You're probably right. Okay. But it does. I hope you're not drinking it out the tap. I love Atlanta. I was there. Do you know my friend Killer Mike?

I've never met Killer Mike. You should. I should. Can I arrange this? Yes, you can. Please. You'd love him. He's been here at Club Random. Really? Oh, yes. I was in Atlanta last November. We went out to his favorite club, the Blue Flame. No, they did not take you to the fucking club. Yes, he did. How many hoses on you, Bill Maher? I know they was on you. I know them hoses.

holes was on you because if I was a hoe and Bill Murray walked into the blue flame on Bankhead, I'd be like, ching, ching. You would have had so many colored titties on your shoulder. I told him this. I told this story when he was on, but I'll tell it to you. So like, you know, people have to understand the blue flame is like a raggedy ass strip club. It's not raggedy ass. It's quite nice. Well, they don't remodel it. It's quite nice. It's I mean,

There's another one called the... Magic City. Magic City. And Cheaters. Okay, but Magic City, I've heard that name before about Atlanta. Magic City is where all the celebrities go. Well, I said to Mike, he said, I want to take you out. I said, Magic City? He said, please, that's where the tourists go. Mm-hmm. Okay. He said, I'm going to take you to places. And that's his neighborhood he grew up. I did too. This is killer. In the same neighborhood? Not...

All up in there. We used to live in a place called Bankhead Court. That highway used to be called Bankhead Court, but they changed it. But if you follow me, you still say Bankhead. Okay. So he says, I'm going to take you to the Blue Flame. And, you know, and with his wife, I mean, after he sent...

People, I think, sometimes hear strip club and they think, oh, nefarious, whatever. No, it's more like an after-hours club. It is? Yes. I mean, yes. Are there naked girls dancing? Yes. And they're very – it's interesting. I've never seen a club quite like this where as soon as you sit down, the girls come over and start dancing dance.

you know, very energetically right in front of you. Like, you don't have to ask or talk to them first. And like, I don't, it's too much. How much money did you spend? I'm going to tell you this, I'm going with this story. So Mike, Mike comes back with like a stack of ones, like, I mean, just as, as, as long as a, a well-endowed man's penis, a very big stack of ones. Okay. Okay.

And then he... That's your way of saying black dick. But keep going, Bill Maher. Keep the fuck going. Ha ha ha ha ha!

You're in the black script club. I know what you want. Oh, a stack of money like a big old black dick. But I don't know if I just said big old black dick. I did not say that. I did not say that. Yeah, you said wow and down, man. But keep going. Tell your story. I could have been anybody. I could have been talking about myself. Oh, bullshit. Keep going, Bill Maher. Okay. So I'm like, Mike, I am not throwing singles. I find it demeaning. It's gross. Singles? I mean, there's something about that I cannot do.

And so this girl, they start dancing in front of me. I said, please, just sit down. You don't have to like, stop. You're interrupting people's work. Hello, how you doing? Nice to meet you. They don't want to get to know you. They want money in their panties. And I just, I gave her a $100 bill. And I just said, this is how I do it. And suddenly it got, we just all just chilled. Did she sit down with you?

Yes, then she was very glad she sat down. Yes, and we had a lovely conversation, and she didn't have to dance. Did she know who you was? No, of course not. I bet you she did. I'll bet you she didn't. I bet you she took a picture of your ass and did a reverse Google search. I'll bet you a...

I bet you she did. Trillion rubles. I bet you. I know hoes. I got a lot of friends that's hoes. And if a white man come into a black script club, you think I'm not going to take a picture of your ass and do a reverse Google search? And he's going to say, Bill Maher, Ching Ching, let me put this phone away and talk all night. Me and my friend who travels with me, we were the only white people in there. I will say that. Okay. How much money you spend?

Oh, I feel like if that's what you're doing for a living, which is a hard job, I think it's a very hard job. I tip everybody big. One of the great perks of having money is tipping in 50s and 100s. 50s and 100s? The blue flag? Everywhere.

Maids, waiters, valet parkers. You can give a lot of money to charity, you never really see it. And you're not even sure if it goes to where it's supposed to be going. But you can see someone's eyes light up.

With those denominations. That is one of the better things about having money and know a bunch of fucking kids I have to spend it on. You can go to the blue flame and get a stack of 50s and not miss them when you don't have kids. I don't get it. That's why Killer Mike had ones, because he got babies. I don't get them. I bring them.

Oh, you bring the 50s with you? Well, there's no $50 machine at the Blue Flame. But you can... Well, they got singles. That's what they're selling over there. Let me ask you, so... He probably spent way more than I did. He just did it in singles. Yeah, but he got a lot more entertainment than you did. Because you probably ran out of your 50s first. I don't want entertainment. I don't want trouble in a strip club. I just want to kill some time.

And, you know, like I've been to strip clubs like with other guys who like never go because their wife wouldn't let them and that kind of shit. And they're always like, they're like panting like a fucking golden retriever. And I'm like, calm down. You think the greatest thing in the world is going to happen because whatever is in your fantasy mind about strip clubs. I said, the way you handle a strip club is act like you're in a normal place.

bar or club. And then everything that happens that's better than that is gravy. So like, if you were in a regular bar and a pretty girl came up to you and wanted to start talking to you, you'd be like, this is fucking great.

Well, that's going to happen in a strip club. So just be happy with that. You're not going to get blown in the champagne room. You're too fucking calm. I know people hate partying with you. Just calm down. And your horny friend who got a family been probably banging the same woman forever, with kids, bored and tired, and you take them to a strip club and they're acting like a hound dog and you tell them to calm down. Calm down. What are you telling them to calm down? What I'm telling them to do is,

lower expectations, you know, so that if you, again, if you think of it as just a regular club, a regular bar you're in, then whatever happens that's better than happens in the other, the regular bar, it's going to seem awesome. Whereas if you think you're going to have some magical night, that's not going to happen in a strip club. It just isn't. Well, I don't go to strip clubs. Right. But it is a big thing to do in Atlanta. Me neither. No, but...

But I have to put you with Mike. But not to the strip club. I don't want to see no shaggy vagina because I don't want to see my own vagina. Okay? I don't want to see no naked women because that ain't what I do. Why don't you want to see your own vagina? I'm done.

Done caring for it? You're not done using it. I'm okay. But I don't want to see no naked pussy. I'm sorry. No, you shouldn't. But that's what you see when you go to strip club. But I've heard Blue Flame got, did you eat? I heard the chicken wings are really good. You are adorable. The idea of eating in a strip club, I mean. People go there for lunch in Atlanta.

Yes. People do a lot of things. You didn't eat the chicken wings at Blue Flank? Johnny Depp wears five scarves. I mean, people do a lot of weird things. I mean, I just don't get it. You just say Johnny Depp wore five scarves. Yes. He was going through some shit, okay? I'm just saying. I think he's scarfless now. I can't account for what people do. But I personally would not have a meal at a strip club. Oh, you miss the best shit.

Really? The chicken wings are so good at Magic City and Blue Flame. I've never had a chicken wing. That's not my kind of food. You don't eat chicken wings? No. Remember, I'm the L.A. person. Why you don't want to live here? I eat the sprouts. You don't go no fucking sprouts in there. No.

No, right. No, I don't know chicken wings. It's not good for you. I know, but it's so popular. What is a chicken wing? Is it the actual wing of the chicken? Yeah, they make... Why is that better? I don't know. They say they got the best recipe at the strip club. But that's not a breast. That's a different part of the chicken. No, that's the wing. The wing, yeah. Bill Maher, the wing. The wing. The fake white meat. The wing. The thing that used to make the chicken fly a little bit.

You don't know what a chicken wing is? That's why I don't eat it, because it wasn't good enough to get the chicken off the ground. How healthy can this piece of meat be? Real good, because if he got off the ground, we wouldn't be eating his ass. Well, that's right. So why would I want to eat that? Think about it, Ms. Pat. Are you a vegetarian? No, not a vegetarian. You don't eat chicken wings? You just eat the breast?

I definitely check at breast, yes. And I think legs, drumstick, you know. But wings, I feel like is something that you have at a sports bar. Oh, but not at the strip club. Atlanta do it right for the strip clubs. With the food? Well, that's what they say. I don't go.

I went years ago when I was a lot younger, but I don't go now. But next time you're in Atlanta, you go to Blue Flame, you should get yourself some chicken wings. Well, next time in Atlanta, you, me, and Killer Mike are going out together.

Yeah. You're going to bring 50s, and I'm going to help you tip the hose. No, no. We won't go to the strip club. Of course not. You don't want to go there. No, I don't want to go. What's the finest restaurant, the most five-star restaurant?

Hoi Ploy, not Hoi Ploy. In Atlanta? I don't know. I don't really... No? Come on. You must be Atlanta royalty at this point. You must know what the nicest restaurant is. The nicest restaurant in Atlanta is Chick-fil-A. No, it's not. Okay.

Okay, you know what? I'm going to find out. Mike will know. Mike probably would know. And that's where we're going. It's a lot of them, but I don't really get out like that to go out and eat. Well, you're going to when I come to town. Well, when you come to town, I will go with you. Because married people are always looking for an excuse to eat.

To get out of the house like that. Not me. No? No, I travel every week. Oh, yeah. I'm never looking for an excuse to get out. Right. I go. Now, he stay in the house. That's right. I get the hell out. Right, because you're on the road. Yeah, so, I mean. Because you're making that buck.

I'm trying. Yeah, no, I know you are. I know you keep trying to convince me that you're not making a lot of money. I know what you're doing and I know what they pay. Let me say this to you. I'm black and my family might see this shit. So I don't got no money. I'm trying to stir you away from that. You keep talking, you making money. No, I'm not. You can say that.

Let the record show I did not. I don't even approve. How dare you? No, I'm doing okay. You're doing well. I'm having fun. Well, that's part of doing well, but money doesn't hurt either. Money don't hurt a thing. And it's good that you're getting a lot. Yeah. Now, by the way,

Is that even really the right way to handle that with family, by keeping it a secret? Isn't the right way to just say... No. Yeah, just say no. No.

Well, you don't strike me as a person who has trouble saying what they really feel. Oh, I don't have a problem saying the damn thing I want to say. I know you don't. I say it all the time. Let me borrow. I say I'm not Bank of America. You say what? They'll say, let me borrow. Borrow? Borrow. And I say, no, I'm not Bank of America. Well, there you go. Right. I don't know. I've said the same thing to people. I've said the words, I'm a friend, not a bank.

Yes, exactly. And I always felt like the little unsaid implication was, and if you keep asking me this question about money, the friend part could go away too. Yeah. A lot of times after the first act, it kind of go away for me. And I've given away, I mean, I'm not, I feel like wealth is a fluke. Like if you can do something, like we can like tell jokes, you can get well rewarded for it. That's kind of a fluke.

that wouldn't have happened 500 years ago. So we're lucky. So I acknowledge that. And I think I'm very generous with my money, but not with just people who like, if the attitude is, well, I'm okay. I could make my own money, but you have a lot. So can I have some of that? That strikes me wrong. Oh, well, I don't have that kind of money for people to say their bill. Ha ha ha ha!

You know, this shit just happened for me. My friends throwing out, they still asking for gas money. Gas money. You know, can you help me with my rent kind of money? Ain't nobody asking me for no vacation money. No. But you got to just establish a hard line on that. This is your money. You built with your hard work based on your hard life. Yes. You know, you paid your dues.

as much as anybody, to have what you are now getting. You have sown, and now you are reaping. You are reaping. It's not a group reap. It's not a group reap. Not a group reap. You know, I have to tell my kids. You reap. We're not all reaping because we didn't all sow. Did y'all hear that, kids? Y'all didn't sow shit. I sow. I reap. I reap.

Bill Maher told me to tell y'all that y'all ain't shit and don't ask. That's good. Sowing and reaping with your kids, huh? Yeah. I mean, I have no problem saying no.

Good. I'm not, you know, my kids know where I came from. I've never heard nothing about my background from them. You know, they know I sold crack. They know I dropped out of school. They know everything I've been through. So they know I'm not the type that's just going to hand them shit. I hand them all a job. They work on a set. I have a daughter that writes on the show, one that does makeup, one that work in construction. Wow. So you're going to work. I'm not going to give you shit. I'm going to give you an opportunity.

But I'm not going to write you a check. That's exactly how it should be done. So, you know, I've seen my kids struggle. And by the way, when parents spoil their kids, they fuck it up from both angles. They make their life miserable and they fuck up their kids. They do. It's the worst of both worlds. You're miserable because now you've got this monster brat living in your house. This entitled little prick.

And you've got a kid who's going to be fucked up because they're going to get out in the world and think the world's going to treat them like they're a super indulgent parent. And they're not going to know how to take rejection. Right. And we have this problem now. Yes, we do. Yeah. We do all the time. So you are doing the right thing. That's right. You are raising your kids the right way. And now you're the crack part.

Look at those eyes. The crack part. Don't tell me you thought I would. Everybody else through me always say, oh, my God, you overcame crack. I have not did no fucking drugs or dead my life. I know you sold crack. Okay, good, because I did an interview last week and they said, oh, my God, how did you get off crack? I'm like, who the hell told you I was on crack? I don't even smoke cigarettes. So, what?

What are you talking about? You sold it. I sold Cranky's. Right. It's different with selling and doing it. A big difference. I mean, you know, don't get high on your own supply is a... Is a real damn thing. Is an adage. I mean, I remember this album from the Notorious B.I.G. and one of the songs was 10 Crack Rules.

Do you remember that? No. Oh, I think that was the name of the song, and it was the 10 rules about smoking. But I remember listening to it and thinking, well, these are actually good rules for life in general. It really doesn't just apply to...

Mr. G to crack. But that's what we were dealing with. So the rules were crack. Were you a good crack salesman? I was. I made a lot of money selling crack. You know, it's ironic because when you get the crack salesman in a room and the head guy says, coffee is for closers, you're like, for fuck's sake, I'm selling crack. Do you think I need coffee? Yeah.

But, you know, steak knives. I know the best salesman in the group usually gets some sort of bonus like that, like a trip or something. For who? What are you talking about? Like when you're, you and the other crack salesman, aren't there, isn't there a bonus system? You acting like I'm selling Sears washing machines. What the hell are you talking about? I'm fucking with you. I wasn't selling for nobody.

No, there's this movie called Glen Gary Glen Ross. It's famous. It's about these real estate salesmen. Yeah. And the famous line is, he says, you know, coffee is for closers. Yeah. Because there's like eight of the salesmen. Whoever's like lowest gets fired, but if you sell the most, you get steak knives or whatever. Yeah. But you're saying that this was more informal, the crack.

business. Yeah, I did it for myself. I didn't work for anybody. Oh, you really? Yeah, I didn't work for anybody. How did you get the crack?

Uh, my kid's father used to sell crack and then, um, he went to jail and I couldn't pay my rent. So I took my welfare check and bought, uh, I think it was called. Where was your supply? What was the provenance of your supply? Everybody, you had bigger drug dealers than me, but eventually I became. Of course, you got to get your, I mean, I was a drug dealer too. You was? What did you sell? When I was at college, I, my father was out of work. I wasn't going to get through with what we had coming in. First, I started with pot. Um,

I went from not smoking pot to dealing it in six months because I couldn't afford it. But if you deal it, then you can afford it because when you buy an ounce, I mean a pound, it's 16 ounces. But if you make it 17 ounces, that's called the head tax.

Well, you just give everyone a little light, and then you have one ounce or almost an ounce for yourself. Come on, you must have cut coke like that. I mean, for fuck's sake, we're drug dealers. No, no. You're a completely honest drug dealer? Well, no, you stepped on it, you know. You stepped on it, right. Yeah, you stepped on it. But you stepped on it for yourself. Yes, exactly. But that was just pot. Then me and my partner, our pot dealer...

was getting other drugs. So whatever he got, we got. Opium, you know, acid, you know, whatever he... So he was selling it and doing it. Our dealer? No, you. He looked like he was doing a lot of something. You know, stringy hair, typical drug dealer look. We were college kids. So we just, like, you know, whatever he had, we would get a little bit and then sell it to the other college kids.

You know, that's how I got through college. Well, your corner was safe. You was on college. This was Ithaca, New York. There was no corners. It was quads. That's what I'm saying. Your quads were safe. I was actually standing on a dead corner. Exactly. I was dealing on the quad. The big quad, Bill Maher. There was drive-by poetry readings. Oh, my God, it was rough.

No, I mean, I could have been, I mean, Jesus Christ, I mean, I could have been arrested back then. We were dealing shit. Yeah. But, you know, I mean, college, I guess they don't care. But, yeah, I mean, I feel like drugs are a product that sells itself.

You know what? I tell people, I say two things I've never seen a commercial for is crack and Waffle House. That shit both is good. They say I can testify for Waffle House. But you've never seen a crack commercial and a Waffle House commercial. Them two fuckers sell themselves. They just sell themselves. They sell themselves. I've never seen a Waffle House commercial. You are too much. I've seen a Hutter House commercial.

If you remember Hutter House, but I've never seen a Waffle House commercial. You're right. They sell themselves. When shit is good, where the mouth is way stronger than any commercial you can ever shoot. Right. When something is good, people going to talk about it. Well, they're talking about you these days. I feel like you're right on the cusp of a great next act in your career.

It's very exciting. You must be, you should be, I hope you're enjoying this moment because you're like walking into stardom at a great moment. You know, you have enough experience in your past, so you're not going to fuck it up or, you know, make a mental mistake that fucks it up. But you're still like, I mean, you look just like, you know, you don't look 50. And this is a great moment.

for comedy and you got a great opening here.

I'm enjoying it. You know, we just got nominated for an Emmy. I know you did. It's awesome. I mean, to me, it's the show, you know, the Miss Pat show is a little show that just nobody wanted. Nobody understood it. You know, everybody wanted me to be the typical black mama on TV. It's better. It's funny. It's gritty. It's real. Yeah. And finally somebody listened, which was BET Plus. Right. And they allowed me to be me. Well.

You know what? You're allowed to be more politically incorrect than I am. You know what I'm saying? No, I don't, but okay. Your show's very politically incorrect. We say some shit. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, we do. Right. Yeah, I can get away with a little bit more than you probably could be. That's what I'm saying.

So it's refreshing. It is. People want, people are feeling very stifled. People feel there's just too much, you can't say that. I say what the fuck I want to say. In society. And so when someone like you comes along, we have that in common.

Yeah. I mean, why is the world such a pussy these days? Exactly. Why is the world such a pussy? You know, oh my God, you can't say that. I can say that. Yes, you can. You know, why can't I say how I feel? You can. But people go cry and, you know, they ready to jump off a fucking ledge and any little thing you say. Yeah.

It's the kids that we're raising today. They don't know how to, they don't work for shit. We give them everything. So that's why they turn into a bunch of hoes and be crying all the time. Right. I tell my's all the time, don't nobody owe you shit. Right. Don't nobody owe you shit.

If you don't get up and get out and get something like our kids said 30 years ago, you ain't gonna never have shit. But that's what's wrong, you know. Instead of being honest to kids, they want to pamper kids and makes the world easy for everybody. The world ain't easy. I cuss at my kids. People say, oh, how can you cuss at your kids? I say, because when they get into the real world and somebody say, fuck off, they won't fall into the ground. Oh, that's all you got? Fuck off? I heard that from my mom every day.

Who'd ever thought it? You and I are the role models America needs. We are. We should replace Biden and the vice president. Kamala Harris? Kamala Harris. Yeah. I guess we could probably take it.

You know Biden didn't have COVID, right? You know he went and got his eyes redone. Is that right? Yeah, he had his eyes lift. I've never heard this until this moment, but that's an interesting theory. Look, his eyes look like a baby ass. I was like, who do you think you fooled him by? You went and had your fucking eyes done for the sixth time.

Yeah, he had his face down. There's a scoop. I wouldn't put it past him. Yeah, look at his eyes look like they're 22, but his neck is 87. All right. Thank you. Give me a hug. Thank you. All right. This was a pleasure. And a good drink to whoever made it. It's hard to read you sometimes, but the one thing you can't hide is laughter.

So I saw you laughing a lot. Oh, I had fun. You must like me a little. I do like you. OK.