Nikki Glaser | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Aloha. Hello. No, no. Aloha. Aloha. Everyone who's been on the trip forevermore greets as aloha. Hello. Hopefully we didn't fuck up our mics. No, I meant to hug you in a way that didn't touch me. All right. Well, tell me now if we are the gods. So look who's here.

My little girl. Oh, that's so sweet. I mean, we were in Hawaii together. I missed you. I know that sounds provocative. And it is. Oh, my God. You have to hear these stories of people. And I have so much to ask you because we were there in December. Yeah. Then I watched your...

reality show. Right. Oh, my God. Which was shot before. So it's like one of those serial episodic shows that they go six months earlier, right? Oh, my God, yes. Exactly. It just wrapped right when we, like, went on that trip. Is that right? Yeah, pretty much right before it. Okay, so I've...

acquiring minds want to know. Oh yeah. Because I saw you on the trip with Chris and I felt I knew a lot about you and him. Yeah. And then I'm spending a week, but then I saw the backstory. Yep. Your trip was what really made us go.

okay, let's like, we're boyfriend and girlfriend. Like we were still like kind of deciding on the trip. Yeah. We almost didn't make it on the trip. We almost broke up right before it. And then we went on it. We had such a good time and we just, it is the best trip. We're both such fans of yours. And so it was so cool to feel ourselves around you, this person that we both have in common of like, you know, our, our sense of humor and what we're,

the things we are into in media kind of connect us. And so to share that trip and then to become friends with you over it and for you to like him, it just made me see him in a light where I was like, wow, this guy's,

fucking great. And yeah, it was just the best trip. So it's really about me. It was. It always is, Bill. This place is great. I know, isn't this place great? Oh my God, it's awesome. I know. I can't believe this. We're going to have a lot of good times here. You're going to party here, right? Like this isn't just for... I partied for years here. Oh, this has been around? Oh yeah. I've had this house for almost 20 years.

I cannot believe the backyard. I cannot believe this house. I mean, I only saw it from the back. This isn't... I live next door. Yeah, no, I know. I saw that... I don't even live here. You're like the minimalist style that I saw through the window as I walked past. And then your backyard is so gorgeous. No, no, that's... You can't see my house from where you came in. I crossed the yard right here. Uh...

Well, your neighbors have a great place. I don't know. I am the neighbor. That's the point. And your backyard just keeps on going. Well, anyway, you got a nice place. This is an awesome little, uh, the point is I, I realizing right now that this love story that I'm going to get to the bottom. Yes. Um,

and I'm glad it sounds to me like there's been a happy ending. Yes. Oh my God, that's fantastic. Yes. Okay. So, and apparently it was really a three-act play where I... You were... Oh man, if we could have captured that, E would have loved that. What? Yeah, the show. Just us going on a trip with Bill Maher. I mean, they were dying me to involve my famous friends and like, you and I just weren't that close at that time. Otherwise, I would have been FaceTiming you every... You would have been a main character of the show if you wanted to be.

No, I don't do FaceTime. And this is kind of like a reality show. Yes. Well, that was my idea was to like I said, podcast, they look horrible. It's just like they're very stilted. They're just in somebody's house. You got a big penis mic in your face. You know, it's just terrible. I said, I have this place. It's cool. I could like actually put a little money into like just doing it.

really right where no one's in the room and you don't even know where the cameras are and we're getting high. But an actual reality... No, of course, I could not do that. You could. It would be fascinating. Like a documentary about you. I would love to watch an HBO documentary following you

on the road or even... Yeah, actually, that's a great idea. That could be kind of fun. Yeah, I mean, we would love to... I love pulling back the curtain. And this is what this is, really. Okay, so... It's just easier to do a reality show. You don't have to prepare at all and you can be high for it, Bill. Yeah.

But wait, you're not going to get me off this track because I'm so curious. I haven't seen you in a couple of months, so I'm dying to find out. Okay, now let's put the timeline together like they do when they ruin the Godfathers. You ever see it? They make the Godfather saga. And, of course, Godfather 2 takes place both before and after one. Oh, really? Yes, which is why it's so great. Oh.

You never saw The Godfathers? What are you, a fucking communist? What? I'm so disappointed myself. Oh, my God. What a dick. I know. What a dick. I know. And I can't even... I can't go into it. I'm going to call Chris and tell him not to marry enough. I don't think... I don't know if we'll get married. I mean, it's... But The Godfather. Come on. No, I know. And the most embarrassing part... I don't even want to say this because it's just so... It's so... I...

I auditioned for a movie recently with reading with Francis Ford Coppola. Just called in. No first audition. Just you and five other people auditioning for this Metropolis. Like his movie that he's spending all his money on and has investors. And just because he wanted a female comic for this role. Didn't get it. But maybe because I didn't watch. I just didn't. I didn't do my research. I didn't have time. And...

I certainly didn't lie to him about it. He didn't ask me. But, yeah, I'm bad about that. I know there are many things that I need to catch up on. But it was so, it was incredible. Reading with him, looking at him in the eyes and, like, doing a scene where I'm crying. It was awesome. He was like, do you want to read with this guy or with me? And I'm like, with you. I'm never going to get to do this again. I'm not getting this part.

You're insane to ask me to come here. You iconic figure who I've never been bothered enough to watch his main movie. I mean, someday this is going to mean so much to me, but not today. All I can say is, I don't like violence. I don't like violence. I don't like gun violence. That's why I can't watch The Sprannos. I can't watch The Wire. You can't watch anything. Breaking Bad. I can't watch any of it. I really can't. Oh, come on. I know that I would love it. That's why I love Mad Men. Nothing fucking happens.

There's no jump scares. It's just a scene. I love Mad Men, too. Oh, it's the greatest. Oh, I agree. But I'm safe in knowing that it's going to get their head blown off. It's very different than The Godfather. You can like both things. I do. I believe. I know I would love it. I just have to be in the right state of mind. But also, compared to the violence that's in movies today, it's very tame. Well, I don't watch any of it, Bill. I don't watch. Okay, but people do get shot in the mafia sometimes.

I know, but I don't want to see it. I really don't like it. But that's not the focus of the movie. If you can tell me when it's going to happen and I can look away or put a pillow over my head, I'll do it. No, you have to get over there. I look up when there's going to be scary moments in movies. The pillow is not the answer. What I do is I blur my eyes. I came up with that trick back when I was very ashamed of being a scaredy cat. I would learn how to, I can blur my eyes enough that I can't tell what's going on. The pillow is like vaccines.

Fight this battle internally. Win it inside of you. I don't want to. I know that I'm missing out on good stuff, but I really... I have weird fears. There are things I've never seen, you know, Sense and Sensibility. Oh, you know what I've only... Pride and Prejudice. Have you seen Pride and Prejudice? Oh, I love Pride and Prejudice because Keira Knightley...

Is that her smoking hottiest? Oh, my God. Yes. I only watched that movie. I've only seen that movie in the clips of just her and Darcy. And it's all YouTube compilated into the hottest scenes. And I masturbate to it. I'm not even joking you. It's so hot. And it's just their hand. Their hand will touch. Just linger. And it's hotter than porn to me. Oh, that movie. I don't know if I can go that far. But she is lava.

She's amazing. By the way, I'm starting this. Yes. I like it. The kids changed hot to fire because that was so original. Oh, lava's good. Right. So I thought, you know what? Fuck you. I'm going to up the ante. Lava. That's what I'm- That's so good. I think so. That's- Right. I love it. I'll use it too. And you know where they find lava? Hawaii. Hawaii. So let's get back to that. There we go. We're back to Hawaii. Okay. So-

My analogy with the Godfather was they should just, you should never do that. They showed the beginning of part two, which takes place at the earliest, and then they showed the regular Godfather, and then the parts in Godfather II, which take place after.

There's a reason why he did it this way, because the past comments on the future. Okay. Okay. But let's fuck that up and do it with yours. Yeah. Because it's not The Godfather. It's just your life. Yeah. So I'm watching the reality show, which is before Hawaii. Yes. It's called Welcome Home, Nikki Glaser. It's on E, first season, available now. Beautiful. On Peacock. Yeah.

If you want to go watch it. No, you should do that. Yeah, right? Absolutely. I'm so bad at doing that. No, you're good at that. I'm really not, though. You're bad at watching movies. I'm so bad at self-promo. But I just feel like if I were... Oh, I'm the worst at it. Well, I enjoyed the fuck out of it. So that's a good endorsement. Well, I really... You watching it and liking it meant so much to me. Well, especially after I had come to know you so well. Yeah, yeah. When you go away with someone for a week and their boyfriend... Yes. Apparently. We have good news. Yes.

You know, of course I was curious. And then, of course, you. You're adorable. So I just loved it. Thank you. I felt like I know your parents. Now you told me a lot about them. Yes, and I love you. They love my ass, right? Oh, my God. Right. I grew up in a house of Marr. Yeah. I'm going to go to St. Louis, I think, next year or sometime soon. And they will definitely come. They will. Okay.

I love that. They've seen you so many times in St. Louis, yes. I love the episode where you played your hometown. Oh, yes. The one where you went to Chicago and fought Chris after such a long... Yes, finally gave in to that after abstaining for a while. It was interesting. Okay, so here's the thing. At the beginning of this, you go back to St. Louis. This is Chris...

who I adore him. Oh, he adores you too. Yes. I love your affection for him. So, well, how can you not? I can see why he is the guy, you know, he checks all the boxes kind of guy. He really does. Yes. He's great looking. He's super nice. He's smart. He's funny. Yeah, oh my God. I mean, I could see why it would be crushing if you couldn't make it work with him because there's probably not a second place contender. No, there's not. We know it's not Blake Griffin. Ha ha ha.

I remember that story. I shot that shot. Oh, my God. Didn't you tell Howard Stern? Yeah, that could have happened had I followed up. 100% I could have. But I am not someone who follows...

No, but the end of the story was that he sort of insulted you, but then asked if you'd want it. Yeah, yeah. I got a DM later on that was like, I'd be down if you're down, essentially. I love that. He said, the people have spoken, which everyone was talking like, Blake, you need to, come on, Nikki threw herself at you. Come on, you got to do this. And he just wrote, the people have spoken in my DMs, which is a pretty hot DM. That's a pretty good one.

Wow, that's very charitable of you because it also could be taken as very arrogant. Of like, I guess I'll fuck you because people want me to. Exactly. Oh God, why do I take that? Exactly. That's what I do. I spin these guys, these F-boys that...

They seem to be like, you know, belittling themselves to even throw me a bone. And I'm like, thank you. It's sad that I had to find that, point that out to you. It isn't that sad. It really is. I know it is. You need me as your shrink. You need to come here more. That's why I'm here. I,

I feel healed after talking to you. Look, I got your back together with your boyfriend. You really did. I'm straightening out on Blake Griffin. I am the indispensable person in your life. It is so bad. I'm not even kidding you, Bill. One time, I liked this guy so much, and he could not compliment me. Never. He was someone I would hook up with, so I knew he found me sexually attractive, but he could never say it. He would never say, like, God, you look good, or you just... Nothing sexual when we would talk on the phone. It was long distance, and when we did hook up, and one time, I was so desperate for it...

I used to FaceTime with him and I would...

open up the freezer and stick my white t-shirt with no bra on in the freezer before I Answered the phone from him if I knew he's gonna FaceTime so might I would be like nipping out through the shirt So it would be so egregious. He'd have to say something like you can't miss it. So cool I'm just desperate for this guy to say anything and he would never say anything and then one time I was just so sad I got off the phone with him and because I had to go I was going for a run It was getting dark outside. He goes. Yeah, you should go I was like

really? And he's like, yeah, I mean, you're pretty rapable. And I blushed. I was like, that's how starved I was. And I knew immediately how sad that was that I was like, oh my God, he acknowledged someone wants to rape me. But I really, that's how starved I was from affection from this fucking idiot. Well, see, I find that one less offensive than...

than the Blake Griffin one. Yes. Because... You're right. Because you knew this guy. First of all, you knew he's not a rapist, right? He wasn't... Right, but he was just saying other men might want to rape you. And I was like, thanks. It's a compliment that, yes, if you are one of the woke who's always looking to be offended, you can always find offense in anything. But if you know someone's intent...

If you know what, if there were no other actual rapists around. Oh, no, I wasn't offended. Who would actually take. And he's right. No, I'm saying, but some people would be. Oh, of course. And I'm saying, I find the Blake Griffin one more offensive because. Sure. It's actually demeaning in a, it's the kind of thing, not to knock him, I like him, but.

Like, you say when you're 30. You're just stupid. Well, I was, like, real horny for it for some reason. I said stupid things like that, too, thinking I was being funny, and it was like, looking back, it's like, oh, yeah. You know what I read it as, though? Okay, yeah, maybe I'm not going to get him to admit, like, I want to fuck you. Maybe I won't get that out of a DM. But him saying to me that people have spoken, whatever the fuck he said, is ridiculous.

He still wants to, and that's really all I need. I know. Exactly. That's really all I needed. I don't want to fuck him. I just want to know that I could. Like, it was like, check. Okay, got it. Right. And then, you know, never following through. Which is...

I'm glad you brought that up. That is a key thing with women I've noticed over the years. I know they're perfect ethereal beings. No argument there. Of course. But boy, do they like doing that. Like even if they don't want to fuck you, they want to know that you would. Because being fuckable is valuable. I know. And it means we're still alive. It means we still have some power over you guys.

You know, we still have... The ray is working. I always call it the ray. Like this... Like... Like the... You know, hot chicks, they just have... It's like they have this thing they can shine in the guys. If they just shine it for five seconds in their eyes, they can get to do anything. Yes. And at some point, when you feel like that ray is flicking, flickering... Oh! It is a...

That's why I am... You want to have the ray. That's why I'm funny is because I know the ray will flick. Like, the ray is flickering. I knew it would flicker even when it was shining the brightest. You actually look amazing right now. Oh, thank you. I mean, I have full hair and makeup and I'm feeling good. Yeah, but you just look... You look glowy. Oh, thank you. You're not with John. I'm probably, like, ovulating, to be honest with you. There are a couple days a month where you are, like...

Walking down the street and you just can tell that you're more, you just look sexual to people. And you're not even doing anything different. But it's because I'm probably my cycle. I know I should know this from eighth grade gym class when we had the health section. Oh, no, you shouldn't. But like ovulating, this is when your body. That's when you can conceive a baby. Making eggs? No, that's when it's ovulation. Of course. That's time to, that's when you. Right.

come and meet, you're going to get a baby. So that's when we're peak attractive. I've seen many sitcoms where the couple was trying to have a baby and the man is like taking her or she or he, one of them is taking their temperature because I guess it elevates when you're... Yes. Maybe, yeah. So... You're literally hotter. And I was like, fuck me now because my temperature... It's so hot. Yeah.

That's exactly what I'm always thinking. It's like, really? I use an anal thermometer, so it is kind of hot. Of course you do. Of course I do. We talked about this today.

That was how our trip started. Sweetheart, I knew more about you and anal before I got to reach... I'm trying to get people into it. By the time we landed in Honolulu, I mean... I'm not trying to titillate. No, no, it was very real. It really is. I just like talking about sex, and I like hearing what people are going to do, and I like...

It's just, it's endlessly fascinating to me. I don't think I'll ever bore of it. It is the most endlessly fascinating subject. Yeah, I'm glad you agree. Oh, absolutely. And that's why your special's great. Oh, thank you. Because you can talk about it for most of the whole time. Yeah. And it doesn't wear. It's not like, oh, this subject, more on this. No, because there's always ever more to say about it. Yes. I think my favorite line was, because of the way you got to it,

What is my pussy in the Wu-Tang Clan? Oh, yes, yes. Like, I'm talking about toilet paper that I get in my vagina. Well, let's not ruin it. But it's on HBO July 16th, right? Yes. Saturday, July 16th. That's very exciting. It'll be on HBO Max. I just did my 12th. Oh, my. I know. Congratulations. And I was probably about your age. I got to see it right before you taped it, though. You were like...

Yes. Getting ready. That's right. In Hawaii. Yes, that's right. Oh my God, it was so fucking tight. It was so, I mean, that was, it was so great to watch you there and just go up all high and just like...

I can't believe you do stand up high. And that's the only time you get high. Like, you are so fascinating to me. Well, not exactly the only time. Well, you didn't have the podcast yet when you told me that. But that was so fascinating to me. I definitely don't do it for real time because that's serious business. Because why not? Because it's my real job.

You know, I try to tell it. I'm so happy people are liking this podcast, but I try to tell them, you know, if someone likes the podcast, and I did it because there are people who really, I don't know how to say this, but they're just not into what's really going on, the more serious things in the world. Yeah.

I don't know why. It's such a fucking funny show. And I'm explaining it to you in ways anybody could understand. I'm doing all the work for you. And it's still too much for a lot of people. Still too much. Yeah, you're so right. So, like, when they talk about the podcast. No one's making it more palatable than you. Yes. But I get it. You know, if I start talking about

Mitch McConnell, there's many people. I don't know who the fuck that is. I may have heard the name. And it's like, okay, I can't go all the way back to explaining who that is. Right. So, yes, you're going to lose a lot of people. But when the people say to me, you know, they're like this, of course I love it.

But it's not like a, like, this show is so much fun and I love that we can do this. But the other, I never had a family or kids. Real time is my kids, you know? Yeah. It's like, if you don't watch that show, you don't want to meet my kids, which is fine because I've known a lot of people who, well, I didn't want to meet their kids. You didn't want to meet their kids, yeah. Right? It's fine that you don't want to meet my kids. But that's the thing I'm most proud of. And we can only get so close if you don't want to meet my kids.

Yes, yes. We can get close, but not completely close. If you don't have, if you don't, as a friend of yours or as a fan, have an interest in that part of what you do, the thing you do,

That you've done the longest and that you've perfected and that you put the most work into. The thing that you're not high for. And it's much more meaningful. You know, I'm hoping... On a good day, we're putting a lot of ideas in the water that do get picked up. They will not mention the show that dare not speak its name. But, yeah, it's just a whole different level. And, you know, the...

It's like senators and governors and, you know, I mean, it's just a whole... It's your godfather. It's my kids. Yes, it's your kids. But, you know, this is like my weekend in Vegas. I know. That's why I do all this stuff. That's why I do reality shows. That's why I do podcasts because it's easy. It's fun. It's fun.

But, you know, you have... It's hard because it, you know, takes time. But compared to real time, what goes into that kind of show, oh, my God, my life is so... You have that ability of, like, a lot of really great comics who can, like, take subject matter that everyone can understand but also never insult the intelligence of the audience.

of the most intelligent people watching. - Oh, that's nice. - It's so true. I mean, and that's so on display in that special. - Oh, thank you. That means so much. - It's true. - I can't stand being talked down to when I go see anything. I'll walk out of movies. Standup, I think, can be so pandering and so, I'll watch my really smart friends just

do the lowest brow stuff that I know... I just see it all the time. People appealing to the easiest thing. And I do it sometimes, too. It's even in that special. There's a couple lazy moments where I go, well, you could have fucking tightened that up. That was a lazy transition that had no substance. You could have had a joke there, Nikki. But...

Well, Nikki, you know what they say. No work of art is ever finished. It's just a bandage. Oh, God. I really got to be more okay about that shit. It haunts me. Okay. But you do talk in it a lot about fucking your parents. I know, right? When you were doing that, did you say to yourself, boy, this is an area that's been picked over by a lot of comics?

Maybe I should stay away from this. Or did you say... That was the one, yeah. Fucking your parents. I mean, I...

I don't know. It just... I was going to, like, skip that part of the special, even though I opened with it. And for a while, the version that I was messing with had that totally removed forever. And then I was like, that is so weird. And I haven't heard anyone even get close to anything that's fucking fucked up. It kind of really just... If you make it past that, you can get through anything. And it's right at the top of the special and kind of shows you...

Yeah. And it proves my point, which is I'm not doing things to be shocking, which I think so many people dismiss female comics or any comics that talk about sex or cuss or whatever as taking the easy road out. But it's like this is just the stuff that makes me laugh and makes me think. And it's just what I want to do. Well, I must tell you that the more things change the same.

No, that's not what I've always thought that quote was too long anyway. We all know what you mean. The more things I'm just like doing like we do on Twitter when they put the things together, making it shorter. The more things change the same.

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Go to SignalWire.com slash random. I can't get over the constant nagging regret of I could have done better, I could have worked harder. And I listen to Sam Harris and I know there's no free will. That's the only thing that helps me is Sam Harris convincing me that it was never going to go any other way. This was always the way. And just accept it.

And do better next time. Like, it was never going to be different. Even if you rewound whatever state of mind you were in, you couldn't work harder in that moment. Or you wouldn't. Oh, I see what you're saying. Well, I certainly cede my love for Sam Harris to no man or woman. Yeah. He's the best. He is. He really is. So I think what we're saying is, like, I'm always beating myself up for, like,

Why this thing you learned last week you didn't know 10 years ago? Yourself? Yes. Oh, interesting, because you're so forgiving of other people who just learned something. I love your theory on that. I've learned to be that, yes. What is your theory on that? I remember you saying there was a time where I learned gazpacho. That's it. I love that. That's the gazpacho theory, yes. Yeah. I call it that because...

You know, you were not born knowing gazpacho soup is served cold. I once complained about cold gazpacho soup. It's like everything you learn in life is a version of that. You just learned it on that day, you know. So if somebody doesn't know something, don't yell at them for that. Be like, okay, this is the day you learned it. Now, you might chide them and say, it's a little late.

You're 26. How did you dodge that? You should have known the three branches of government by now. Right, right. But you know what? You live in a dumb country and the educational system... That's why I haven't seen The Godfather. Like, it's a thing. It's the three branches of government. I know I should know it. I know I should see... I feel like I'm dodging conversations about it constantly so people don't know that I don't know about it. But I know enough references that I can get by and kind of... But yeah, I...

So that's where you beat yourself up as things where you go, oh, I didn't know that. And you kind of catch yourself being like, oh, fuck, I should have known. Not just know. Yes. I mean, but also just behavior and just ways to live, you know, big things. They're like, oh, I could have been living like this 10 years ago. I'll give you an example. Yeah, please. This is more mundane.

It's not as deep and psychological as most of them, but like two meals a day. I started eating two meals instead of three about, I don't know, three, four years ago. And I could have been doing that my whole life. Three meals a day is just something somebody pulled right out of their ass. They just made it up. There's nothing in our history or medically why you need three. I mean, one would probably be

stretching it a little. Right. Four is probably what most people eat now because it's a fucking fat country. But it's a country of addicts and food is the cheapest and most unregulated drug. It is a drug. It's a huge drug. But unlike all other drugs in drug war times where they were societal protests against using them, this, they laud you.

No. I mean, it's so reversed. It's body positivity. But don't get me on this. I mean, I can't. Well, it's funny that you should say that you are like, wow, I could have been doing two meals a day. I just started eating three meals a day and it changed my life. And that's so funny. What were you eating? I used to eat as little meals as I could just to always stay thin, always feel like I was –

A good woman is a restricting woman, a woman that's not indulging. So then I suffered because I was always hungry or I was always like, oh my God, I just ate too much because I would overeat because I starved. So it didn't fit my lifestyle to skip meals, but I just didn't know any other way.

That's what women do. So now you're more normal, you're saying. And now I just feed myself and I'm not focused on food. But you ate in Hawaii. Right. But that's, I started eating three meals a day in March or like in May of 2020. I like had a meltdown. So let's get back to this. To my boyfriend. We go, you go back home to St. Louis. What month was that? 2020. March of 2020. March of 2021. Okay. So at the beginning. Yeah.

2020? Yeah. Okay. So right, right when the pandemic hit. Lived with my parents for 10 months. Right. And these- Did your show from my dad's home office. Yes, I remember. Crazy. By Zoom, right. So cool. Okay. So, but the big-

storyline and it's the reality i mean weren't making it up is you've known chris for eight years yeah i mean on and off is a good way to describe it was on and off yes okay he's in st louis you came out here no he was here he was we met in new york on my show i had an mtv show when i was at my first tv show and he was a supervising producer i fell in love with him from afar i had a crush on him the whole time didn't know how to even flirt i was so awkward with boys i like

I had no experience really at all except like blackout drunk sex. And I'd just gotten sober a year before I got this show. Wow. And so he's the first guy I liked when I was sober. And I was like, how am I even going to have sex with someone? How would I even kiss someone sober? Like it was just foreign to me. Finally, someone coached me on how to flirt. And so he kind of knew that I liked him. And then we got together. How old were you? 27.

Like, real stunted. Come on, you knew how to flirt. No, Bill, I'm not kidding you. He thought I... He was gonna quit the show because he thought I hated him when I was desperately in love with him because...

I liked him so much. I didn't know. I didn't want to let him know. So I wouldn't look at him. I would ignore him. I'd be kind of mean to him. I just, I couldn't handle it. He literally thought like a child, like a child, like a child. I was so in school, like a fourth grader would do that. I don't like you. And my, my, I was crying in my office and she was like, cause I was like, he's flirting with the girl, like the wardrobe girl. And I love him so much. And she was like, he doesn't even know you like him at all.

Nikki, we see you around him. And she goes, but I can take an order. So she goes, go to his desk right now. You're going to talk about the upcoming Logan Lerman interview that he's producing. You're going to sit at his desk until he knows you like him. You're going to touch his leg at one point for two seconds. You're going to leave that touch on. You're going to make eye contact longer than four seconds and you have to count it out like she taught me. And I just did it. And then after that, he knew I liked him.

And it really worked. Who was this person who told you? This was Kim Gamble. She was my showrunner who was friends with him who was like just laughing at me crying. She goes, he would so like you, Nicky. He has no idea. Wow. So I guess...

I never knew that part of it. Yeah. And so finally, like, I went over to his house. Like, I invited myself over to his house. He was very hesitant because I'm the host of the show. He's a producer on it. He's like, I'm not going to make a move unless I know for sure. And I'm sending him half signals. And so I go over to his house. I invite myself over to, like, make chili at his place. And I just...

I'm nervous on the couch next to him. He gets up to go to the bathroom. I scoot closer to where he was. He comes back. He like scoots further away and I'm like, he doesn't like me. So then I just get cold and then I go home and I'm like, I'm over it. I'm not like, and this has been months of me like loving him and I go, I leave and I'm just like, it's not happening. I call my friends. I'm like, he didn't get it and

I'm done. And I go to work the next day and I'm just, like, mad at him. And, you know, I'm not going to fire him. There's no, like, this isn't me, like, me-tooing him. I mean, I'm guessing in some gray area there is maybe I was mad at this person because they didn't like me. He wasn't going to lose his job because of it or anything. I had no idea that I wielded any power in this moment of my life. But, yeah.

I remember the next night I gave him one last chance. He lived in Brooklyn and I was in Manhattan at the time and I was going to the Comedy Cellar to do a late night set at like 11 o'clock. And it was on a work night. We had work the next day. And I was just like, hey, are you in the city? Texted him and he was like, no, why? And I was like, oh, I'm going to the Cellar. I thought if you were like out, you could just stop by. And he was like, I'll be there. And I was like...

Oh my God. And then he stayed the whole night and we, and Artie Lang really like gave me, wing manned me by being like, Hey Nikki. And he's a huge Artie Lang fan. He was like, you're friends with him. And I was like,

And then we walked out to 6th Avenue. And then I was adamant on not making the first move because I am such a control freak. I always make the first move with guys. It never had worked for me. So I was like, I will not. He is going to kiss me first, which I never once let a guy kiss me because it just...

And he did? It gets so awkward that I just want to control it. And so I just waited, kept my mouth shut, and he did the hottest thing. He just goes, get over here. And he just grabbed my arm and just kind of tugged me. And I was just like, ah! And we made out. And then I was just so in love. On 6th Avenue? Yeah, on 6th Avenue. And then I jumped into a cab and fleed into the night. And I was just like, I got it! And then I was terrified to do anything else with him. But shortly after that, we became boyfriend and girlfriend. And...

And we broke up a bunch. Now in this episodic of this, we move eight months, eight years later. Eight years later. We created a show together on Comedy Central. It was canceled. We moved in together. We got canceled shortly. Go to the part where you're going. So I moved back to St. Louis during the pandemic. After you've been on and off with him now for eight years. He is from St. Louis and he moved back home with his mom in St. Louis. We didn't meet in St. Louis. It was just random that we-

You're constantly saying, I'm not going to fuck this guy again until... I mean, obviously you already have. Yeah, way past. Until... Yeah. We're either going to really be together. Right. Or I got to move on. It's been eight years. Yes. And your parents are saying the same thing. Right. Yes. It's not embarrassing, but it's like... It's either fish or cut bait would be the... Pretty much. Pissing it off the pot. That's what I always say and he's just like... So it leaves...

off at an uncertain point. Yeah, because the show wrapped up and they, oh my God, the producers wanted us to have this moment of a proposal or we're officially together. We weren't there yet. You weren't there. You needed Hawaii with me. We did. We really needed a getaway where we could connect and really talk about things. It hasn't been completely smooth sailing, but we are in such a good place right now. Imagine if you had actually...

dumped me out of that gig and did your dumb one in St. Louis and never... Stop. I know, Bill. I'm so embarrassed. I don't believe in the universe, but if I did, I would say that's telling you. Oh, no. Well, that was the best exchange ever with you as I tried to get out of the gig with you in Hawaii because I got an offer at a gig in St. Louis that was just more convenient. It was a lot of money. It wasn't about the money. It was right down the street, and I'm like,

Like, I'm... Yeah, Hawaii or St. Louis. I mean, I know, but listen, you're intimidating, though. Not that I don't love St. Louis. You're intimidating. It's all your friends. I'm like, I get social anxiety. I'm like, if I can... Right. It's more of that than, like... I get it. What a great... If I would have known what it would be... Right.

There's no question. I know. I would turn down anything for that. I know. And I'm so glad I did, but you came back and I just loved your response of being like, oh, it's kind of shitty and I don't know that I'd really want to be friends with you if you got weaseled out. I can't say that I'm a big fan of this

of this and I was like that's all I fucking needed I love this guy what an honest response and I was like I'm going I mean you know you had committed to it and it was like I got something better I'm like and you just wrote and said you know I hope we can still be friends and I'm like well I'm not your enemy but

Is this really something that makes me want to start a friendship with someone? No, it's not. It's kind of a weasel move. But look, I'm not your enemy and I will never do anything against you. No one says that, though. Everyone goes, it's fine, but I like that. And I don't want someone to even be on the fence about me. Because that's how it would have been for the rest of our lives. It would have just, I would have seen you for the rest of my life. We would have nodded across the room.

Yeah, exactly. I've been like, oh, or maybe in 10 years. We would be able to talk about it. Okay, if we were in some place where we wound up talking, we would have found we did like each other. No. It was the easiest decision I ever made. Hey, you know what I always say? Everything happens for a reason. Everything reasons happen. I always mock.

People who say that. But in this case, it really worked out great. It really did. Because, I mean, it was, of all the, I think we've been on this 11 years now, the Hawaii trip that I do in New Year's, December 30th. Oh, Jeff Ross is doing it this year. Oh, my God. Jeff Ross and Wendy Liebman. It's going to be great. Wendy. So December 30th in Maui, we always do. And then December 31st. That is a fantastic show. Honolulu. Oh.

You did it last year. It was so fun. You have such a great group of friends. Yeah, it was such a great group. Just great places. Yeah. Every part of it was fun. It was... The plane. The plane. The plane. Which you're so scared to get on a private jet with Bill and a bunch of his friends when you don't know any of these people and you brought your boyfriend who's not really your boyfriend and you're worried that he's... Is he going to have a good time? And then instantly, as soon as we got to the... Before we even boarded the plane, you hadn't even showed up yet and I was like friends with everyone. I mean, a jam.

and Eddie and Corey and Annabelle. My Chris. It was your Chris. Yes, your Chris. First ever kid read, yes. Oh, my God. Everyone was so nice. And his girlfriend. Everyone kept saying, your Chris and my Chris. My Chris. Oh, my Chris. Yes, of course. So fun. The rapper is my Chris. Yes. That guy was your Chris. So you had a great time with him. And then what happened?

And then I think it was like a couple weeks after that, I was like... So where are you guys now? We're boyfriend and girlfriend. Living together? No, not yet. I think that's the next move, but... In St. Louis? Yeah, in St. Louis. And you're going to stay there with him? I don't know if I'm going to stay there, but we're going to stay together and find a way to make whatever work. He might take some TV gigs here. He's on the radio there in St. Louis. And so we're... But...

we really are just talking about the future in terms of what our life will look like together. Because I don't like work. I like him on the road with me. You should tell him to text me. He always says he loves me so much, but he never texts me. Oh, my God, really? He would love... Yes. I remember I sent him something about my novel. Remember he had two stories and he got... I mean, he never got back to me. I think he's just... Oh, he's really bad at that, but he's... And he's intimidated by you, but like, yes. It's I know. It will get back to him that he should text you and he would love that. Well, I'm thrilled and...

Of course, you guys were going to be out here one way or another a lot. Yes. Come on, you're both in show business. Yes. St. Louis, great town. Sure. But, you know, are you going to... Can't get an abortion there anymore. So I got to get out of that. Yes. Right. Right. Missouri. Yeah. Wow. I mean, St. Louis is a hip place, but there are... Boy, that is a...

Isn't Josh Hawley? Yes. Oh, God. I mean, there are some. I hate to use the word redneck, but boy, there are some fucking rednecks. St. Louis, you forget that it could be like that in Missouri. You forget that you're a part of the state that is the first to do everything that way. Your parents in that lovely home, they could be living in Des Moines. Yes.

It's very close to Chicago. It's nice. Now I know that I can live anywhere. Like, I might go to Denver. I was just in Denver, and I was like, oh, I really like it out here. I might just move here. You must be thinking about Dikinder at this point. What? I don't know.

Kinder, children. Oh, no, no, not. I don't think of them. What about Chris? No, he's good with and I haven't met him. Never? No, we might like foster at some point or do something like Good for the Planet. If I was casting a dad in a commercial, I would cast. He is the best with kids I've ever seen. No, he just looks like the dad. He's good at playing with them. So if I do have kids, he's the perfect person to have because I'm...

I don't really like to play with kids. And I want teenagers. I would be a great mother to a teenager. That's rough when you have them. I know. I know that people are listening going, yeah, I'm sure. You would love my daughter fucking cutting herself and telling me she's going to kill me someday. People always say, you know, they always said it to me anyway, when I would say I don't like kids. But when you have your own, you're going to love it. And I always say, no, I will be the first guy to look in the basket and go...

Nope, still nothing. I know. Oh, my God. My friend Rachel Feinstein has the greatest bit about that. She's a new mom, and she's like, she keeps, she can't believe, she was so scared of being a mom who just didn't care for her kid, like, would just not feel anything, that when she talks to people now, she's like, and I just love her so much. Like, when I look at her, I like, I really do love her, and people...

She says that people are like, yeah, duh, but it's notable to her because she was so scared she would be that way, which I would be too. I love my niece and nephew, but this whole idea that I have to be a good aunt or whenever I feel like I'm failing as an aunt, I remind myself, like, I didn't choose this. I didn't ask for this. Being a bad mom is a bad, you know. Let me ask you a cynical question. I'm certainly not the first one to...

think of this, but I've heard it before. Like, people say that, you know, I look at the kid and I love him so much. Do you think a lot of that is sort of egotistical? Narcissism? Yeah. Yeah? You do?

I used to owe it my dad. That it's like it's you, it's your mini me. Is it really? Sometimes I excuse my dad's love by saying, I just look like you a lot. I look like you. I remind you of you. You like yourself. And that's fine. I feel it. I feel my father's love. It's a reason why I can do so many things in this world. It's because my dad loves me unconditionally.

But I really am a lot like him, and I think he likes it a lot about himself. I'm always a little suspicious of that guy. Not that it's not wonderful. Then why wouldn't you adopt? But... You know, if you love kids so much and you care about children so much, why wouldn't you give... Because of the... I once had a guy say, you know, it's just like you risk, like, you know, the kid could have...

Just a family tree of mental illness that you don't know about. It's just a risk. I respect that you would adopt Nikki, but I want my own kids and that's why we can't be together. He was using it as an excuse because he just got tired of fucking me or whatever. He met someone else. But he was like, it's because you don't want kids. And I was like, I would adopt. And he goes, oh, oh, God, yeah. It's so good that you would do that, but we still can't be together. And I'm like, but your family tree is...

That should be deforest. Like, you have more mental illness and alcoholism and, you know, just so... You need to... That should be more of a worry for you. But it's narcissism. I mean, it's... You've got to admit, it's fun to see yourself as a little thing and that's part of it. Right. And I think it's also a little more... It's okay. Right. But it's part of it. And it's also a little...

People, what scares people the most, of course, mortality. And it's a little, I'm not really dying because this is me. It's still me. Yeah, my DNA lives on. Right, and it's sort of, I'm not, I am dying, but not really. And, you know, but again, let's not...

set ourselves up here as child haters. - No. - And we're not, you know, we're not saying being a parent is a selfish narcissist. - I just don't like them, but I don't hate them. - But there is a little bit of that element.

Yes. You know? Okay. I agree with you. I'm glad it was not just me. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that parents would go, that's not why I do it. Of course it is. Right. Or you would adopt. Right. I'm sorry, and I know that adoption, but that's expensive. You're right. What do you think a kid is? Right. If you can't afford to adopt and to put up with all the red tape to get one, and maybe it's a process that I don't understand and someone's going to lecture me in my DMs, but I think that the reason people don't adopt and they have kids is...

because you want to see, you either want to carry a child, which is, you know, a noble thing and some women just yearn to have that experience or you want to see what you look like as a little you. Right. And I get that. Like when you fuck someone, you want to make something with them. And mold you.

You know, and, you know, I mean, like, I'm sure you know this, Nikki, in The Godfather, the god Don Corleone is just very disappointed that Michael Corleone doesn't want to be in the family business. Ah, yes. But I don't have to tell you that. No, you know what? I found out, though, that kind of disappointed me because I'm a narcissist as well and I would like to mold something. I thought that you could mold a kid you adopt more so than I thought.

A study came out that said that a parent's IQ will never affect the child's IQ through adoption. It's genetic. It is not nurture. It is all nature. IQ. IQ, yes. That was a bummer to me. Of course. I didn't know that. I've heard that too. I thought I could make someone a little bit more intelligent, but you can't. You're stuck with what you got.

Basically. Now, of course, like everything in science and medicine, they could come out tomorrow and say, no, we did another study and we found out that that's not quite true. EQ, maybe you can fuck with. Emotional intelligence, I think that's the thing that I could have a hand in. You can't. I mean...

You're probably born with a certain size brain or maybe they're all the same size. I don't know why some are better than others. I don't either. I do know that the reason why humans... Sam could tell us. What? Sam Harris could tell us. Yes, Sam could totally tell us. But he ain't here. Without a single um or like. God damn it, that guy never talks with a pause. He ain't here and he ain't a comedian. So we got a few things on him. Okay, okay, good.

Did you know HBO Max had podcasts? I'm on my podcast talking about the podcast on my network. This must be what the metaverse feels like. Now go even deeper inside your favorite shows with audio companions to some of the most groundbreaking and award-winning shows on television. The HBO Max Movie Club is back for season two. Host Matt Rogers from the Las Culturistas podcast will once again be joined by filmmakers and celebrity friends as they dig deep into the HBO Max movie library.

The podcast covers the freshest new releases and the most beloved films from the HBO Max archive. You can listen to HBO Max Movie Club wherever you get your podcasts. I do know that humans...

became the dominant species on the planet because for some reason in evolution our brains took a giant leap forward whereas the apes did not. Apes are physically bigger but their brains didn't, like for some reason our calories started to go into our brains. Right. Like it all goes to my hips, it all goes to my brain. What was it? Was it tools? Well, tools was a result of them having a bigger brain. Right, maybe the tools opened up a world.

No, the brain opened up the tools. Well, the chicken or the egg. It's not a chicken or the egg thing. It stays the different and the same. No, they would not have thought of tools if their brain didn't get bigger. That's the thing. Frogs don't use tools. What if an ape discovers a tool, Bill, and this tool where they use a piece of grass to root out some ants in a hole, and they're using the tool to lick the ants off the piece of grass?

All of a sudden, the use of that tool, which, yes, their brain contributed to find the tool, that makes them realize other tools, which then expands their IQ. It could be both. So you're saying that a gorilla could open a Home Depot? Eventually, that's what we did, too.

I don't know how closely related we are to gorillas. Is that a fact that gorillas use a stick to get ants and lick them off the... I don't know what ape it is, but that is a tool that is used by primates. They put a little piece of grass in a hole and then they lick it off. It's true. I love the word primates. Yeah? I do. So speaking of your primate...

Oh, that. Whoa. That was... I just want to get back to one thing. It was good. Before we run out of... Can I have like a one hit of that? You could have a whole one. I don't want to light a whole one because I will start not making sense and I will not remember my train of thought in the middle of a... Fuck you. Don't you have such trouble with short-term memory with these things? Like, I'll be in the middle of...

Um, what was the question? Exactly. Um, you know what? That's all I want. I used to hang around with, at the end of his life, Dr. Timothy Leary. In fact, you see that chair that's hanging on the wall over there? Yes. That's a Timothy Leary. And I say that because he burned a hole in it at a party of mine in 1992. Oh my God. With a cigarette. Wow. And because of the hole in the chair was ruined, he signed it.

Amazing. And now it's art. And now it's art. And it's Timothy Leary. Have you done... He used to say to me, he said, you know, people would ask him, you know, has it affected your memory? He said, yeah, that's why I carry a pencil. Ha ha ha!

And his point was, it's so much better to have the creativity and the thoughts. Any idiot can write stuff down. I struggle with it. I struggle with the guilt I have about smoking weed and how it does affect my short-term memory. I'll be on stage high, and I'll say to people, I'll be in the... Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Because I go through... Like, when I was in Hawaii, I was on an abstinence train. I took nine months off of smoking weed. It was supposed to be for life, but, you know, shit happens. And...

Oh, let's go. It's a lesser of a few different evils that I can turn to. So I turn to it at times, but then it always ends up, I end up wanting to get high before I go on stage because it's like... Right before? Yeah.

Yeah, because then it's like my mind's thinking differently. I'm kind of excited. It's scary again. I get nervous. In my last special, I told the story about the two times. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. And the punchline of the one. It is a punchline. It's a great punchline, but it's an absolute truth. I was on stage and I said the word Obama and then thought to myself, is that his name? Dude, absolutely.

And that is a real, one of those real stories that turns into a great joke because it's just, I can't. So thank God for that moment. But I mean, how dumb. It was so terrifying. But sometimes I feel alive when I'm in the middle of a joke. I have to turn to the audience and say, what was I just talking about? And it's so embarrassing. But it also opens different places in my mind. I do it all the time.

Yeah. But that's why I love club random. Yeah. But when I'm doing real time or when I'm doing standup, I know I want to be jackety split. Mr. Perfect. I don't, you know, I use that. You said you smoke weed when you perform. Yes, I do, but not right before. Oh, well, when? Like, then I get tired. It's like two hours. No, it's well, you know, it's the right balance. Um,

Tell me about your bounce. You see, I use that music stand with my notebook. Oh, yes. So I like to really cover a lot of stuff. I mean, your special was very tight. But of course, when you do a special, you probably had a teleprompter. Yes, I did. See, I like that kind of comedy. What I hate is... Oh, me and Ray. I have to...

least favorite two words in comedy are? What else? Thank you! Exactly! I can't stand it! What else? And what else? Looking at the ground. What do you mean and what else? I love that you knew where... What else? And

And what else? That's why I have that music scene. I always know what else because you paid to see me. It is such a bad... I'm going to cram in the best I can. You're either forcing it, like you're acting like you're trying to pretend to be casual, which is so, like, cool...

Or you really aren't prepared. Exactly. That's how I take it. And I, listen, I have a lot of what else fires off in my brain constantly during my set, but I know that there is something in my cloud of words or bits hovering over my head that I can grab from.

Randomly. I have so many jokes at this point that whatever... And you know what my new out for what else is? If there are any comics listening that you panic about worrying what joke is next and losing your place and then you blank and the audience loses respect for you.

Just say what's... I always just go, what's true? And then it immediately gets you out. I'm high and I forgot what I'm going to say next. These pants are too tight and they're distracting me. This guy, this hat, your hat is ugly. Like, whatever is true and it's instant relief. Like, the audience, it will never fail if you say the most true thing to bail you out. And I always forget because...

When you're doing stand-up, you're trying so hard to convince them that you've got it. And when you start panicking that you don't got it, you look more panicked. And now I just have to realize I have to let go. And just observe what's around me and just say it. And it will always get me out and get me to a place of calm. Like, okay, they like me again. Now I can kind of think and say what I want to say next. That is the natural thing I want to say instead of grasping.

So that's an instant now to just say what's true. And I try to remember that during podcasts. I mean, even like press stuff like gets me nervous. Like just this, this, thank God. I mean, I hate to say it. I was not nervous to come to this because we don't have microphones. It doesn't feel overly highly produced that I'm going to be reminded I'm on TV constantly. And also like, I mean, I would have pre-Hawaii, I would have been like jostling.

just sick all day with nerves to talk to you. I mean, even doing your TV show. But then the second I talked to you, gone. Because I didn't have any interaction with you except on email before I did your show in person. Even backstage. First time I talked to you in person, see your face move. No, I know.

I'm a very scary character, apparently. But you aren't. I know. But the second I talk to you, I get exactly what your vibe is and I'm comfortable. But I was nervous up to that point. But today I was just like, oh, yeah, I get to go hang out with them. Oh, I was looking forward to it all week. Me too. Yeah, of course. Me too. Okay, so the other thing about your special, I have to say...

It's so -- And this is what I was starting to say a million years ago when I said, you know, when was that sentence that I --

contracted the more things stay the same yes the more things stay the same because like I know there's been a lot of changes with fluidity and so forth yeah and I'm sure we're all right thinking people who want everyone to be whatever they want we're all for that your tone I don't appreciate no I don't believe you it's true

But basically, most people born with a vagina are what we used to call women. Okay. And they have the same, like... God, don't get me on trans rights. I'm just saying, this is... All I'm saying is most... Let's call them women classic. Cis women. They have the same...

DNA or whatever is in their pit of their gut. And the reason I'm saying this is because... Just deep in those guts. Up in them guts. What do women have? Your thing about not fucking a guy... Oh, yeah. Not having sex until a guy loves you. Right. Yes, my rule. But a rule that I could find enunciated in the 50s? Right, right. It's a throwback.

It was ever thus, and I have a feeling it will be thus for many, many years to come. What do you mean? It is just thus. It is just part of women to want that. To want what? A guy to love you before he sticks his dick in you. Yes, but why is it not intuitive for us at this point as women? Why do we give it up constantly? In our modern society, we give it up constantly before we give it up. Almost every time. We'll get to that. Okay. But first...

I'm just going to continue on this for a second. Because there was a book in the 90s called The Rules.

Oh, I know the rules. And I think I agree with many of them. Yes. Well, the book Getting To I Do is very similar. The book I talk about in my special Getting To I Do where I get all these ideas. It's not dissimilar. Oh, it's very similar. It's along the same lines. It's these pathetic books that women pick up that are like, here's how you do it, ladies. Written by two single women or like two divorcees. Who would if we could, but I don't want to. You know, like Millionaire Matchmaker. That bitch knows what she's talking about. But, you know, people, you can't always...

People that know what they're talking about don't always practice what they preach, obviously. Some of my best therapists have been fucking batshit. Oh, they're all batshit. But the woman who wrote the book I talk about in my special, Dr. Pat Allen, she follows her own book and has a very great relationship and is just a very smart woman who just made a lot of sense to me. And my mom always used to say, don't give up your sex, Nick. Don't do it. Don't give up your sex. And it was just always so gross to me. Like, what did that even mean?

And I just thought it was the lamest advice. She was like, don't do it. And my mom was such a prude. And that's how she got my dad. She would not sleep with him. Well, what was it they used to say about the don't give up the cow? Yeah, until you get the milk. Don't buy the milk if you get the cow for free. Yeah.

What? No. We're nailing them all. Yes. Don't buy the cow if you get the milk for free. Right, right. Incentivize it. Like, I always tell girls that, like, if you think, because I used to be this girl that would want a boyfriend. So that has not changed through the eons. But no one is abiding by it. I got to find a different way to get through to these women. I think they are. And I may have told this story before. So if I have, I'm going to tell it again. Yeah. Fuck you. Just put it on the two times speed. But it's not really a story. But when that book, The Rules, was out. Yeah.

I remember it was on my table at home and this girl picked it up and went, oh, the rules. And she started to look at the cover and she turned it over and saw the two girls and went, oh, I can see why they need a strategy. Oh, my God.

Exactly. Yeah, I need a strategy. You don't need a strategy. Yes, I do. Well, you certainly could get a lot of guys. Yes, but not the ones I want. Not the ones I want. Not the one. Not the one I wanted. Like I couldn't have, like I got him, but when I first got him, I have to say that

I was not good for him and he was not good for me. We are two totally different people than the people we were when we dated back then. Those two people should never be together. They were bad for each other. Wow. But we have both changed and decided that we don't want to be those guys. And you're so far beyond, are we going to have sex or not? Oh, yeah. But you know what? I wanted it to be special with him because we had not had sex since June of 2008.

Which was the longest we had gone because we would always either get back together and start having sex or have sex just casually. And I really did not want something with him. And I would always end up falling back in love with him every single time. Wow. And he would always remind me, like, I don't want to be married. Like, I don't want to be with anyone. And, like, he felt, you know, there was anger in both of us that we hadn't talked about and we weren't going to address. But we were sleeping together because we have amazing, amazing time in the bedroom. And you like it in the naughty place.

He's a very accommodating lover, and I love him for it. What a hero fucking you in the ass. Yeah. Look, once again, you're giving the man more credit than he deserves. No, no, no. This guy gets credit. He fucking works. One time, I remember when we were living together, he

he was horny and I was just, I'm, I, if you're horny for me, I will instantly get horny. Like that makes me horny. Like it's, I'm never not in the mood, but for whatever reason, I just wasn't in the mood. I was so tired. And I was just like, babe, you can do it. But like, and I'm on my stomach sleeping and I'm like, but I'm just going to like lay here like you, but you totally can. And he goes, Oh, and he goes, Oh, as opposed to what? Cause I literally lay there. I,

I just like, I'm very submissive in bed. And so I just like, I mean, I like being tied up, but if you can't tie me up, like, I'll just be like, I get like, I'll pretend like I am. So I don't have to do anything. I really like being serviced and fully like not in control. And it's awesome. And, and,

it's nice that he never makes me feel bad about that. I do work at times, but like, I bring it in other ways, but for, to not have to ever ride a guy, I don't want to fucking be on top, literally ever. It doesn't feel good to me and I don't like it and I get winded. When you say work, uh, I just heard a laugh. I heard a producer laugh in the back. I heard a woman laugh because she's like, she gets it. That was the neighbor. Ha ha!

Oh, wait, I'm the neighbor. Okay, so... You're the neighbor. Wait. Work. Let's define work. Being on top. That's work? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God, it is exhausting. It really hurts my thighs. It hurts my hips. I, like, feel sore afterwards, like I've been riding a horse. Like, it feels like it's disjoining. It's exhausting almost immediately. Like, I just want to say, like, I give it up to guys who do most of the humping and the work.

It is exhausting. Like a missionary position is better for you. No, I want to make it easy for them. So my favorite position, and I'm not trying to be titillating, I think it's just a good, this is just good information to have. Off the bed, I lay on my back off the bed, and they get to stand and just like be like right humping them, like right where the mattress hits. That's like the easiest for both of us. I feel like the chances of the Family Research Council repeating this show anywhere are... Who's the Family Research Council? Like a super Christian organization.

You never heard of the family? No, no. It's like with the judges. Gosh, gazpacho. Yeah, exactly. This is totally a gazpacho moment. It is. I'm sure I should know what that is. Well, they're just, you know, it's like, I think the Duggars were part of that. Oh, God, yes. You know, they're like, you know, everything is all...

No. I'm just saying they are not going to rerun this segment as much as I would. And why should they? They are into fucking children. I was hoping. So that's not going to work. Well, before we go too far. Not all of them are into fucking children. And the Duggars may not have been associated with the Family Research Council, but I can almost guarantee if they weren't, they were big fads. Okay.

I mean, if we're talking about super duper Christian types, I feel very safe on safe ground saying that they're in that particular pot. You know, I just, I cannot stop talking about sex, especially with...

all the Roe v. Wade stuff, I'm so glad this special is coming out because it is kind of in-your-face sexual and I'm just tired of... And I dress... I look kind of hot in it, which was like a choice for me because I was like, I don't want to be... I don't want to be titillating. I'm not trying to make anyone's dicks hard when I'm up there. I think it was very titillating and I think that's great. Um...

But horniness and laughing, they're two different feelings. And I don't want to engage both. But I do like to look cute and have fun. Why shouldn't you? Because I'm a comedian, Bill. And just be funny, Nikki. And also, you know, you're not always going to be able to wear that. Exactly. Strike while the iron is a seven. Or an eight. As I've said to many girls who are asking me if they should get married, lock in while rates are low.

Oh, my God. That's really what you want to do. I know. That's what you want to do, Nikki. Here's the thing is, I know that I'm going to age like Robin Wright Penn is my goal, to age like her and to stay sexy. Well, like sexy for a certain, not for you, but for a certain, no offense, Bill. I've already passed Bill's cutoff. Stop it. And I don't care. I like that you're honest about what you like. That is, to me, so refreshing because this is,

Because there are people that are not lying about being into older women. They are, and great. Absolutely. More than ever. But then if you're not a criminal or you're not attracted to an older woman, you can't help what you like. It's what your normal DNA is telling you. Most men are faking it, okay? I'm just not faking it. But let me just say, I have noticed this trend a lot. Men are way more into older women than they...

than they used to be. Then they used to be great. Especially out here in L.A. That's a big thing. Maybe it's because the MILFs and the Cougars... Well, the young girls have had it good for too long. We're taking back the city. This has been the...

The city of young women since the beginning, since the 50s. So, yeah, I like it. But wait a second, where are you seeing older women thriving sexually? Everywhere. LA is that kind of city, I'm telling you. I love it. Okay, maybe you've got to move back. It's like a lot of pretty boys, you know? Oh, yeah, boys like the older women. That dynamic. The stepmother. Well, I don't know, but that dynamic.

is reversed here compared to... I'm not reversed completely, but there's a lot of, like, pretty 20-year-old boys who are with 40-year-old women. Yeah, I love it. They're Kate Beckinsale-ing. Like, they're, you know, like, I love these girls dating younger guys. Yeah, what is this about you when you had some...

Something with the Kardashian. I mean, even that got on my radar. So stupid. What is the body thing? I just want transparency in what work women are having when they are the ambassadors of skincare products. I want them to be completely transparent about the stuff that they use to look good. What is she lying about?

Well, she has a skincare line that I would love to use. Kim Kardashian, I like her. She once said, which I love so much, in a Rolling Stone article recently, I think it was Rolling Stone, that she would eat poop every day if it meant staying younger. That's how important it is to her. And that's a funny thing to say. Like, I respected it. And I like, I watch her show. I like her. I have a particular thing about shit, so I can't. Okay, so you don't like that. It's one thing that I told you. Oh, yeah, you and Chris share that. Yes. I hate any shit jokes. Okay, so that's why it's so, but it,

But she's a nice person. I agree. It's so insane for Kim Kardashian to say that she would eat poop. I mean, that's a disgusting thing for Kim Kardashian to say. It's disgusting for anybody to say, so let's stop saying it. But it proves a point. But you're right. I know that's your thing, and I'm sorry. I won't talk about it again. And that's why you said piss or get off the pot. It's a good thing.

instead of shitting it off the pot. You were so cute that you modified every joke. No, I can say shit. It's not going to drive me crazy, but it's just gross. It's shit. Why do I have to explain this? I know. I'm sorry. Okay. Well, your kids with your anal, everything, do you even know there's a pussy down there? Well, you know what? Shit to me, that's, you know, you know why I like shit jokes? Because it is something we all do every single day. It is a part of our lives that are so shameful, and yet we all are doing it. And it's like, if we just talked about it a little bit, we wouldn't, like, stick with it. We're not...

It doesn't mean we're going to start eating it. It's just, we're just going to talk. It's a thing. It's not shameful. It's gross. There's a difference. It's not shameful. I'm not ashamed I have to take a shit. I feel like grossness and shame are intertwined for me then. Well, that's something that really a shrink should talk about then. Well, you just unlocked it for me, Bill. Really? I mean, because they're not the same thing that you're completely associating. I mean, that's, I think, basic Freudianism or Erickson or one of them talked about the anal stage. Oh, yeah, yeah. Something definitely happened in mine.

Right. Okay. For sure. And that affects your personality for the rest of your life. I mean, I'm anal in the sense of very neat, very organized. I'm not sure why they connect that to anal or why. Yeah, that's not the, that probably the word didn't come from. No, I think it might be that they, no, look, my mother was a great mother. So I'm sure she kept me very clean. But I think it usually comes from if you had a bad experience, like sitting in your own shit or something. Yes, yes.

That's where I think people want to play with shit. I'm not into that. Like, I don't like it. But, like, anal stuff I do like. And there is a... And there is... Something happened then because I remember... I remember waiting for my mom to pick me up. This is not gross. I promise you this isn't gross. It's okay. I was waiting for my mom to pick me up from my friend Kirsten's house and, like, sitting... Waiting on her front porch. And she had, like, a... It looked like a butt plug, like, as the... On the railing. You know, like the...

point of the railing. And I just remember, like, just, you know, like, we're just, like, kids bouncing around at probably, like, sixth or seventh grade. And I remember it kind of went up my ass and I was like, oh, boy, mommy likey. And it felt like, it instantly felt, that feels so good. Don't ever do that again. It was more strong

So then when I would like hump like a bar, as you do as a young woman, or as you like, I was never instantly. So it was a thing for me, but I think it is for a lot of people. Young women like horses because. Yeah, we were middle class. So it didn't, that was maybe birthday parties a couple of times, but it wasn't going to be something I could really get into. Yeah.

But isn't that a thing? Yeah, oh, yeah. It's kind of like a vibrator to sit on a horse or something. Oh, yeah, yeah. I could see girls definitely being able to come from riding a horse. Or gymnastics. Or your hymen rips. What animal could you get on that would stimulate your asshole? Oh, yeah.

Is there a different animal? A narwhal? A camel. A camel. Or something with some protruding thing on its back. I mean, a porcupine. Oh, God. A stegosaurus might be very... As a vegan, I couldn't, but I will think about it later. All right, so...

Things are good. Yeah, things are pretty good. Yeah, very good. I feel better now. It's so fun to just have a fun hang and get work done, and it doesn't feel like work. All right, so tell your boyfriend I'm so... Tell your boyfriend. I know. I mean, I usually use that phrase very sarcastically. I know, I love it. But in this case, it's very true. I love it. I can't wait to have a lifetime of hangs with you. I'm so...

Verklempt, is that the word? Oh, yeah, I'll take that. I learned it from a sketch, so I don't know. Yeah, me too. So verklempt, I think that's the word, that you, you know, and Chris, that I was able to play a small part in moving that along. Absolutely. I can't think of two people who, like, you know, look better together. And he was so solicitous of you. I remember him taking the...

the video when you were on stage, he was in the wings, like genuinely laughing at jokes he must have heard a thousand times. - So many times, that were sometimes about him or like at his expense. - Right, I remember on that trip, people saying like, wow, he really loves her because, you know, that was my evidence. Like, wow, when you're laughing at the joke you heard a million times, that's love. - And that is such an important part of our relationship

for me is that he really just thinks I hung the moon in terms of like talent and sometimes I constantly doubt that about myself and I need that's the most value if I have that by my side the rest of my life I'm going to be like able to do anything someone that's constantly telling you and you trust their opinion when it comes to comedy telling you you're funny and that you can do anything and like knows TV it just gives me so much confidence it's like Joan Rivers and Edgar and that came out

Oh, wait. That's a bad example. Lucy and Desi. Oh, no. Another bad example. I'm sure this one. Lucy and Gary Wharton. Has it ever worked? No. Time to go. Love you. This was so fun.

I'm gonna, can I have the rest of this? As I walk out. You wanna, you wanna? No, no, no, I don't need this. Alright.