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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. You got all dressed up for me? Yes. Thank you. What a pleasure to meet you. How you doing? We've met a couple of times, actually. I was drunk. We were in the service. I thought I had to.
Look at your outfit. You look like Lola Fulana. Thank you. Oh, and that's a compliment. I love Lola Fulana. Lola Fulana in 1970. Are you kidding me? The body of bodies, right? Everything about Lola Fulana. Is she still with us?
I don't know. I think Lola Falana might be passed on. Well, now you've ruined the show. Lola Falana's dead. I'm so sorry I had to come over here and tell you. Good night. Good night. Lola Falana is not longer with us. Well... What's really crazy, the first time I met you was...
And I didn't meet you. I just, I'm pretty sure I forced my introduction on you. Was at Dublin's. Dublin's? J. Davis room on Tuesday nights. And you walked in with this tall, beautiful black woman. Oh, but. She looked like a showgirl. I think that was my lawyer. Oh, no, that wasn't your fucking lawyer.
And I remember saying, oh, fuck, Bill Maher. And he's with a black girl. Oh, yeah. And I was like, Bill Maher. And he was like, yeah, okay, yeah. I was like...
It was low level on his mom. Well, you know, I love beauty. No, but I love that she was with a black girl. I was like, I knew he was fucking cool. You know, people, can I, now that you brought this up, you know, people think that I have a thing. I have a thing for beautiful women. Yeah, I think you got women. Like Robert De Niro.
has a thing like... For black girls. Right. Like, if you walk in a room, he would only be interested, which is fine. Whatever floats your boat. I'm just saying, I'm not that guy. You know what I mean? I told him, I told him, I was like... Right. I've never sought out one race. You just sought out the beautiful girl in the room. And also... You seem like that's... Also the ones I get along with
tend to be like the fun ones. Fun people are who I'm going to hang out with. And they just happen to be beautiful-ass women. Well, I would say they more often turn out to be black people. You know, white people are just more uptight. They are. Okay, so... Let's tell them. You're white. Tell them. Well, they know. They don't need me to tell them, and they don't really care.
And so people party with who you want to be relaxed. This is what this whole thing is about. Yeah, because I was like, this is a setup right here. Isn't it a great room? Well, yeah, it's that and kind of a nightmare. Why? Well, I mean, this is the room that you don't want to be walked into at 9 o'clock at night. Right.
If you don't know who's here, you know? Well, you're here. Seems like a Playboy type of... We're the only ones. We're the only two. Seems like a porno... A porno? Somewhere in this area. No, it's... Somewhere by the pool table, maybe. I mean, you could shoot a porno in there. You're not wrong about that. But, no. I mean, this whole...
- The property is insane. - Well, to me this is the crown jewel, is Club Random. And I am very happy to have you here. - I live right around the corner, by the way. - Where? - On Dale Grove, off of Coldwater. - Don't say. - Right around the corner. So my friend was like, "Are you gonna go to Bill Maher's house?" I was like, "I'm literally, he's gonna wake up and go, 'I woke up to Leslie Jones yelling in my window.'" Do you have some weed? - I do, and I brought-- - Well, I brought weed too. - Oh, okay.
So how long have you lived out here? You know, I was an L.A. person before I went to SNL. I lived in L.A. since 82. Oh, okay. And what do you think of it?
What do I think about L.A.? Yeah. I fucking love L.A. Oh, good. Me too. But when I was in New York, though, I used to have to have a hatred for it because I didn't live there. So every time I would come back here, I'd be like, it's like an ex-boyfriend that I don't get along with, that we haven't settled that shit. But I always wanted to be in L.A. And when I got off SNL, I came straight back because I was just like... That's funny. That's very reminiscent of my life because when I...
Went off to do Politically Incorrect, my first show in the 90s. I had to live in New York. Oh, thanks. I had to go. Your show now is so fucking good. Oh. I love when you do that thing at the end when you go the fuck off. Right. And I love when you just check the shit out of people. Like, I love it. It's one of my favorite shows to watch because you really do go the fuck off.
And it's just like, thank you. Yeah, I mean, TV is almost all bullshit. So, I mean, I'm not going to participate in that party. And I never have. But you never, I was just going to say, I don't remember you ever participating in the status quo. I mean, the sign is right behind you. Politically incorrect. Yeah. You know, I mean, that was the sign we had on the show. I brought it here.
Yeah, I mean, it's the only thing I know how to do or want to do. It certainly causes you a lot of problems, as you know, because you're very much the same way. You don't pull any punches. I'm too old. I just feel like... Right. People will come at you if you do that. But you know what? Your bond with the audience is so strong because they appreciate that. Even when sometimes they don't agree. I mean, when I started Politically Incorrect, they said, you can't do a show like that with a host...
renders his opinion on controversial issues, 'cause half the audience will now, I'm like, let's give that a try. - Let's give it a try and see. - I bet you like in life, people can disagree with me and hate me. - And not hate you. - And they don't. - That's what we are at the point of that we can't even conversate with each other. - Right. - We can't get anything solved because everybody wants to be right. - And everybody who you don't agree with is not just somebody I don't agree with, they're evil.
They're bad people. You're a bad person. Right. And fuck that. So that's what I'm always trying to fight against. And you have a drink? I have this LaCroix, but what you about to drink some tequila?
Yes. I like that. I have, what do you drink? I'm just drinking liqueur. I don't really drink. Liqueur. How refined. I love that. I mean, I don't drink unless I need to drink, you know? Yeah. Well, I very rarely, I save my liquor. For when you really want to drink. For like this.
I mean, I could only really only have a few drinks a week. And so I save it for like club random. People don't understand that when you get older, that is a real thing. Well, otherwise, you'll just look horrible. You just look fucked up. Yeah. Yes, especially me. No, you look great. But the whiter you are, the worse.
Because things, everything just shows up more. Yeah. You know, I mean, it is a kind of a... You see the bumps and bruises and... But you look great. Thanks. I mean, but as I said in my last special, when people say you look great, there should be a chyron for your age. Because if I... See, I'm 54, so...
I know. 54? I'm 54. Wow. I didn't think you were over 50. Well, thank you. I appreciate it. No, that's amazing. Yeah, I appreciate it. I feel 37 today, though. And how much weed do you smoke? Oh, a lot.
And I'm not going to... I've never... That's one thing I've never hid. I've never hidden. Why should you? Well, you know, I mean, I'm thinking back in the day, you probably couldn't say that you smoked weed or whatever, but I've never... I'm a grown-ass woman. Well, you couldn't say it to TSA. Right. But, you know, but you could say it. I mean, you just... You know, I just never, ever... That's not something I've ever hidden, you know? So whenever people find out I smoke, I go...
Yeah, I never kept that a secret. Well, I mean, it's almost more rare not to smoke. I mean, obviously there are people who don't smoke, but it's at the point now where I don't even think about it when I travel with the small amount I do. I used to worry and be very paranoid because first no states had it legal or even medical. Then it was some states medical. I'd be like, okay, I can go to this state if I have this letter from... Yeah, I got away in an airplane.
port they had and it was you know how they used to put it in the medicine bottles so I think I had it in a bag or something and they was like yeah you know you got this and I was I pulled out my medical card and it was like well you can't smoke it on the plane I was like I'm not gonna smoke it on the fucking plane but they gave it back to me like I would never put it someplace like that mine was
So hidden underneath in my underwear. Yeah. That's why I was surprised when they found that because I usually have mine too. But I think I was feeling myself that day. Well, apparently they were feeling you too. Because I got caught in Canada when we... In the security line. What? Oh.
- On my birthday, 'cause like-- - Oh. - No, dude, the day before 9/11. - Oh, oh my God. - The day before 9/11, dude, I got caught with weed in Canada. - Boy, if that doesn't put weed into perspective,
You know, can you mention holding somebody on 9/11 like, "You're a lawbreaker and we can't allow this society to..." Yeah, they just knocked down four buildings. Literally, it was so... 'Cause I remember they fined me 'cause it was only a small amount, so they fined me and they took all my money I had made in Canada.
I was like, all right, well, I went home broke. I think I went home with $100. But I was like, okay, at least I get to go home. So were you doing stand-up in Canada? I was doing stand-up in Canada. Kenny, Kenny Robinson, I want to say. It's Kenny Robinson. And what year is this? This is 2001. This is maybe like, yeah. So is that, were you...
Well into your stand-up career by then? Oh, yeah, I've been doing it for at least 20-something years, Dan. I've been doing it for a while. That's 20 years. That's 20 years ago. Jesus. When did you start stand-up? 87. Oh, 87. Oh, well, sweetheart, I hate to tell you, but you've been doing it for 35 years. Yeah. I know. That's not that far from when I started. It doesn't sound like it's a long time, but it is. No.
I mean, I can't believe I've been doing it over 40. You know, it's like, because when you say that, all you could think of, I can anyway, is like when I was a kid watching TV and there'd be like the old comics on TV, George Burns,
you know, Dan, who never, none of them did I think were funny. But do you think they're funny now, though? No. Well, some of them, not George Burns. Really? He's funny? Okay, okay, no, not even, just give him the funny, not give him the funny, give him the credit for the joke writing or the performing. I mean, sure. Right? Well, he was a charming, obviously a charming, nice man, and he was trading on a,
affection that the audience had for him because like, okay, so if I'm watching in the 70s and 80s, these are audience members who are older than me mostly and they remember him from radio. Right. And from Gracie Allen, from that shit, you know, George and Grace. Well, yeah, I mean, that was when he was in his prime and I think he was probably the show with Gracie who was his wife, his real wife, right, and she played dumb, you
you know, the old saying, you have to be smart to play dumb. But she played like the, you know, because in the 50s every woman had to be dumb. That was like the cliche they fed into. So she was the dummy and I guess he was the exasperated husband. I don't
You know, I'm sure I'd fucking not like it now. Right. I'd fucking like it then. Right. But as a stand-up, you don't think that that was... Well, I just think times change, audiences change, eras change. This is why I'm always up the ass of the woke people who want to get a time machine and put their standards on fucking Columbus or something. It's like, shut the fuck up. You know what? Whenever you...
you would have been the same asshole. You wouldn't have known. You'd had as much information as they did. And thought the same way. You're speaking from a different type of perspective. So I don't, like when I watch 50s, like there was another show in the 50s, your show of shows, Sid Caesar. Did you ever hear of that? Sid Caesar. Okay, yeah. Another oldie when we were young who the audience remembered fondly. He was the biggest star in the 50s.
Like his show of shows was all the like great writers who wrote on that show became huge stars. The writing room was Woody Allen, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks.
And I'm leaving some out, but like this amazing murderer's row of writers who were his writers. That was the writer's room. Like we all know writers. No wonder he was killing. He was killing that. I saw that with the Showtime made a movie of it years ago called 10 from your show of shows like their 10 best sketches. I mean, I my view was I could swallow a can of Kodak and puke up a better movie.
This just because it was that first of all, it was right after the war. Right. This is when the show was on. The audience was just like giddy because the fucking war was over. They were like ready to laugh at anything, anything. And they did because this shit sucked in my view. I mean, that's no, but I mean, the only thing that I give up for is because at the time was you were able to do comedy.
comedy was living like if tell me any other comics that were doing comedy at the time that they was doing comics like tell me all the black comics that was doing comedy when Cesar was on like was Bill Cosby was it Red Fox was it Bill Cosby certainly overlapped because he was uh 60s you know Bill Cosby was a big star Bill Cosby had I mean before the unpleasantness came out um
Bill Cosby had an amazing career that had different eras that all were quite amazing. And he was quite the revolutionary at times. I saw it. It's a shame. I saw the whole, and I was just like, it's a damn shame. Oh, it is. Because it's also not like he was great, great, great, great.
And then he became this pervert and this horrible monster. He was always the horrible monster at the same time. Because that's what skews everything for me now is when I see it, I go, well, fuck. Like all these wonderful movies. I used to be a fucking Bill Cosby head. Let's do it again. I was going to... When I made it, I was going to redo Let's Do It Again. I was going to do Uptown Saturday Night. I was going to redo all these movies. And now when I look at them, I go...
How many girls was in danger on that set? Oh, yeah. Did he fuck these niggas' nipples? All of them. Everybody. Do you get what I'm saying? Everybody. Like, did Sidney Poirier know? He was really an insane person. Do you think Sidney Poirier knew?
Sidney Poitier on what movie was that? It's Uptown Saturday Night. Let's do it again. Mother Jugs and Speed. It's a lot. Yeah. I mean, he did like three or four movies with Sidney. I mean, it's in the title. That's not a very good title. Mother Jugs and Speed. But OK. Well, I must say, I never liked Bill Cosby as a comedian. Really? No. No.
I never thought he was funny. I respected him as a comedian. Never thought he was funny. I didn't, with the clean, I thought the dad is great will always be the one that I remember. Dad is great. He gave us the chocolate cake. That is the only thing that I will always remember. But a Cosby show was my shit. I,
have to say it was my shit no didn't like that and all of his movies i loved all of his movies never liked him in any form really except i spy he was so cool in that and as himself as a as a talk show guest i liked him what but every time i look at any of that now i go i thought he was all the girls but do you remember danger oh yes well they were
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Do you remember Flip Wilson? Do I? Now, Flip Wilson, I liked a lot. He had his own... Flip was one of the funniest motherfuckers. Yes, and I thought... Geraldine. Yes. Was...
fucking perfection. Right. So when you talk about men dressing up like women, because, you know, people have that little conflict with that, which I think you're a genius if you can do it and pull it off right. He was the one that pulled off that in a way that I don't think no one has ever been able to come off. Like, that fucking Geraldine. You mean Greg? Yes, I love Geraldine.
I loved her. But he, yes, I mean, that character, and wasn't he Here Come the Judge? Yeah, yeah. Okay. And you remember he had, you remember he had, Flip Wilson had a show, remember? That's what I just said. He had his own show. He also would come on The Tonight Show and do stand-up, you know, and it was like, it wasn't like joke, joke, joke. I remember seeing him, oh,
oh it's too bad we're not the kind of show that can just like then dial this up from the archives and show you the clip but maybe other people can it was the day maybe after they landed on the moon in 1969 and he did a thing he must have written it like that day or something and it was just this monologue
of, I think, as I recall, a family talking to each other about it. You know, "That moon?" That kind of stuff. And it was like, I remember being blown away because it was just... They were patient.
The audience was more patient, correct. No, the medians were patient. Well, because, what do you mean patient? The timing. Yes. I mean, to be able to tell a story like that and, you know, have the patience. But, again, you couldn't get away with it today because the audience is less patient. Absolutely. The audience had more of an attention span. That's one reason why when I watch this old stuff, I'm like, come on, get to it. Because even I am young enough to be like, oh, please. I know what this punchline is going to be. Well, and also it's just taking you too long to get there. Yeah. You know, give me the...
I need my six, you know. But Flip Wilson was amazing. Now, did he write with anyone? I thought he was, oh, I have no idea. I wonder if he wrote with anyone. I just thought he was hip in a way Cosby wasn't. And just cool. I don't know. It was like, I didn't want to be Bill Cosby. You wanted to be Flip Wilson. Well, Flip Wilson, yeah. I mean, I knew I wanted to be a comedian when I was like eight. Eight.
Right. You know, I mean, I never, ever had a part of my life where I was like, what am I going to do with my life? Whereas I meet kids, they're like 25, they don't know what the fuck to do. Right. I was new. You were always the same way? No. I had no clue until, ooh, you see that spider? A spider. I had no clue until I actually walked on the stage and touched the mic. When was that? In college. It was 1987. 1987.
And my friend signed me up for a contest in college. And as soon as I touched the mic, it was like, it was almost like I can see my life. Wow. I could, it's just almost like I had been doing it already 10 years. Like it felt like home. I,
I immediately knew I was going to be a comic. Had you written stuff? No. And what was so scary... No? You mean you went on with not knowing what you were going to say? I talked about... I just imitated a comic. I imitated Richard Pryor. No, I imitated Eddie Murphy, actually. Because I was like, this is what Richard Pryor or Eddie Murphy would do. Wow. And I talked about my uncle. I talked about white and black churches. Wow.
And I did. I don't even. And then I talked about my grandmother because my grandmother had real big breasts. And that joke right now will work today because it was a story because it was a true story. But but you didn't plan this out at all. Come on. You didn't even say, OK, I'm going to talk about churches. I sat down when she told me I was like, because I'm a Virgo, you know, you got to be organized. I sat down and I was like, OK, if I don't do jokes, OK, who told you?
My friend, she told me she signed me up for the contest. Oh, a friend signed you up? She signed me up for the contest, my friend in college. Wow. And I was always funny. Because they saw you. I was always funny, but I just didn't think I was funny. I just thought that I was imitating funny people. You know, you need people like that in your life. Oh, my God. Especially because you don't know. I mean, even though I always...
knew I wanted to be a comedian, I was too shy and not confident nearly enough to say that to people because I thought they would laugh at me like, oh, please. Yeah. Oh, you want to be a comedian. Great. I want to be an astronaut. Right. That kind of thing. So I just never, ever said anything. When I was in high school, the English teacher who now I...
that I look back I realize was very gay. But at the time I was so, you know, we were very sheltered where I grew up in my little suburban enclave there. And it just never really crossed my mind. I never thought about it, yes or no. I mean, now they'd have drag queen story hour.
when I was eight. But, you know, back then we weren't, I wasn't aware of these kind of things. I knew what homosexuality was by that point, I'm sure, but it just never crossed my mind. Now I look back and I'm thinking, oh, of course, this erudite woman
elegant gay man, had the sense to recognize in me. And what did he say? He suggested I be the emcee of what, I guess every year they had what they called the pop show, although after me they did not because I...
I stole a lot of jokes from Johnny Carson, which was late night, sophisticated television. And it was way too risque for the audience, which left, I think, I remember at the time, but like there was all complaints from a lot of the girls' fathers after. Because I had said things that Johnny Carson said, you know. So, uh...
Yeah, but that was the first time I got on stage. It was high school and it was emceeing. It's kind of what I've always been doing and wanted to do. But I don't know how it would have gone otherwise.
If that teacher hadn't had, you know, he's the first person who independently, because again, I'd never said to somebody, I want to do this. He saw it in me. So it was like, okay, I'm not crazy. Somebody else sees this. That wasn't my plan, but that's how it shook out in my mind. For me, it was more of like, oh, I was funny.
- I didn't, I mean, I thought that I was saying funny stuff, but I ain't know people actually was laughing at what I said. And for her to be like, "Yo, no, like you're funny, funny. Like you need to get on stage."
And when I got on stage, I'm telling you, it just felt like all of it came. It was like, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop, poop. And I was like, oh, shit. Oh, a comedian. I'm going to be a comedian. Because I always used to be like, oh, I'm going to be an actress that's going to play Whoopi Goldberg. That's what I thought. Well, you know, there are people who I feel like are just born to be comedians or sometimes actors, singers.
There's lots of people in show business who just want to be in show business. And, of course, the thing about show business is you can be in show business if you really insist. If you insist on it. You don't really need to have a lot of talent to be somewhere. And we have seen that. And we have seen it many times. If you really insist, I insist I will be in show business and must be. You can be. You can work.
You just can't reach the top echelons. But then there are people, and whenever I saw you, I thought, oh, yeah, that girl, she is doing what she is supposed to be doing. And really, nothing else would be the right thing for her to do. I think I would have been a basketball coach.
Well, but you were one of those SNL players who, the second you walked on stage, all the eyes went to you, as they should. You know, you just owned it. And you never looked, from the beginning, you never looked the least bit worried about how it would turn out. You never looked freaked out. The update desk is what, the update desk, when they put me on the update desk...
I remember Bobby Lee saying this to me. He was like, if they put your ass in front of the camera, it's over. And they were talking about putting me in front of the camera. Meaning that if you get in front of it, they hired me as a writer.
They didn't hire me as a cast member first. I was a writer. Oh, is that right? Yeah, I came out and auditioned with a bunch of people, but they just asked me to stay as a writer. So they had been talking about me being on the update desk, but Bobby was like, if they put you in front of that camera, it's fucking over. And when they gave me that update, the update was just like doing stand-up, but just sitting down. I was like...
I did shit. That's, that's, you want me to do this? This is like fucking taking candy from a baby. You know, the first update, they was like, you were nervous. And I was like, bitch, I was doing standup. That's, I was just sitting down. What was the bit you did? It was a joke that I had been doing for six years. Oh, yeah. That is easy. It literally, literally was about, you know, all our jokes is from our life.
I was, and I wrote this joke 10 years before I started actually doing it. I was, I went on a bad date and this is real talk. I went on a bad date. I came home and I was in the middle of the floor. And I remember I was eating cold spaghetti and I was like, it's a goddamn shame.
Because if I was a fucking slave, I would have all the best men. They would try to breed me. Yeah. I would have Denzel. I have Shaquille. I have all the fine motherfuckers. And every nine months, I will be giving them a fucking breed baby.
I just remember that coming to my head and I was like, I can't even get a fucking quality brother. And I'm the best thing on the fucking plantation. And I just remember saying, that'll be funny, you know, one day when you're talented enough to do that joke. And then I started doing it. And I think the way that I started doing it was it was just funny when I would do it. And they called me in the room and they, see Spider? They called me in the room. Yes. And you're going to kill it?
Well, it didn't do anything to you. Okay, you're right. And it might be killing, like, other ants or something. That bug did not come out to be killed today. It was just like...
That's not the kind that I like. There are certain spiders... Is that a black widow? Well, it's... It's black widow. I have no idea, but it's... Anyway, go on with your story. Don't let the spider get in the way of our fun. Oh, my God. No, they called me in the room, and I had two jokes. I had this joke about texting. I had this joke about over-texting, and I had... I called it the slave joke. It's what I called it. I called it the slave joke. And...
And they was like, well, we want you to do an update on the texting and the slave joke. And I was like, those are two different jokes. I was like, so it's one or the other. I was like, those don't go together, so you have to pick one or the other. And they was like, uh, and I was like, yeah, y'all want me to do a slave joke? And they was like, yeah, but they didn't want to say it. So I was like...
It's a good joke. Yeah, let's do it. Fuck it. So we wrote it. It's a ballsy one. It is. I mean, it's... It's not even that it's so ballsy as much as you got to be talented to perform it. Well, yeah. Because when I would do it, it was just as simple as that. It was just like, if I was on the fucking plantation, I...
I would have the best. I would be recruited. I think I would be the number one slave draft pick. But, I mean, that SNL audience is a really liberal, woke audience. So, like, even a black person doing that joke, there you have to understand white people, especially the liberal ones in places like New York and L.A.,
They have a kink of self-loathing. So you mentioned plantation, and they right away are like, oh, my God. I'm like, I always want to say to them, you didn't do it. You didn't do it. I mean, it's like... But I could see an audience freezing at that because it's just...
Oh, my God. I would do it in L.A. I'm talking about the white people. The black people would be fine with it because it's funny. The black people would get mad at me. No, I'll tell you this. Listen, they would. When I do that joke, I would do that in white clubs. I'm telling you, that shit would, I mean, rush because I would come out. I'm the number one slave draft pick. I'm going to Arkansas, Nebraska trying to get me. It was just like the whole joke was an intricate thing. In L.A.?
In L.A.? I would do it at the parlor all the time, a J. Davis show, all the time. It would rip, because it was a genius joke. That's the joke that Chris saw me doing at the comedy store when he told me to ask him out. So wait, and you're saying black audiences got mad at it? Well, black audiences, you know when you do it in a club, people laugh. But when I did it as an update...
White people thought it was hilarious. Black people, oh, my God. Oh, you was up there talking about it's okay for a girl to be breeded. And I was like, oh, my God. Are you listening to the fucking joke? Like, that show, you not listen to the joke. I remember one time I did this club thing.
And I was ripping. I ripped this club, and this black guy comes up to me. He was like, yeah, I wasn't. He was like, damn, you was so much funnier than I thought. I wasn't really a fan because, you know, you called black women niggas on SNL. What? What?
The fuck are you talking about? And this is what pisses me off about stuff like that. It's like, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. So I said, where did I say it? He said, you said it. And I was like, show me where I said it. Show me. Pull it up. And pull it at the part where you saw me say that. I said, because that right there, you going off of misinformation, off of something you didn't even go and fucking research and see if I said it. No, I didn't call black women niggas.
I said that if I was on a plantation, I would be breeded because I am a Mandingo and I would have all the best men that come. That's what I said. The fuck like and what pissed me off, I told people, I said, if the joke is so fucking genius, you should be proud that I even wrote a joke like that.
I mean, it's just not a dick joke, is it? No. What you expect, right? You expect a fucking dick joke. I'm so, so surprised. Oh, my God. When I say I had bitches from Essence come out, I mean, I had so much shit. And it made me so disgusted because I go, do you know how fucking hard? I would have done that joke a billion times in all kinds of blacks and whites. And now you get mad?
Is it because I took it outside of what, like, you're surprised to see a black woman be smarter than what the fuck that you see some of these other women do? Oh, I'm so sorry that I'm not just talking about dick. Or how the shower doesn't get in your pussy. And who does that shit? Oh, that's the most, oh my God. When I say, when I first started, my goal was to write better dick jokes than men.
I remember the first time I did. Oh, my God. I was so good. I was so good. I remember TK Kirkland coming up to me one time going, women ain't supposed to talk like that. You can't be talking about dick. And I said, you talk about pussy and you don't have no pussy. I got a pussy. Why would I not talk about it? And I said, now, bet you I know more about your dick than you do.
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to 511-511. Text random to 511-511 today. Certain exclusions may apply. You may receive up to one additional text. Message and data rates may apply. Text stopped to opt out. You know, when I started comedy, I had already met crackheads and hoes and pimps and drug dealers. So when I got into comedy and these motherfuckers would try to be gangsta, I would just, oh, floor them.
Who was trying to be gay? Oh my God, any motherfucker I stepped to. And when I got into the game... Who are we talking about, though? Are we talking about just... Is there another comic? Yeah, you know. Like who? It was so funny because you'd be like, you're not a gangster. Wait, so you're saying the comics were trying to act hard? Oh, it was so hilarious. And I'm like, I'm from Compton. I literally just saw someone get shot.
And you are telling a knock-knock joke. There's nothing scary about you, motherfucker. And when I got, when I started, but it was a woman. You're not looking for a scary guy, are you? No, but no, it's not that. It's just that they would do the women like that. They was trying to always intimidate the women. That's what I should have started with. All right.
Because, you know, they would always be like, if you go on the road with me, you got to sleep with me. And I'm just like, I wouldn't. Whoa. I wouldn't fuck. Oh, let's back up to that. I wouldn't fuck you with my enemy's pussy. And I hated that bitch. Do you understand how much I hated that bitch? And I still wouldn't let you fuck her. But that's what comics say nowadays? Not now. They don't do it now. But, I mean, that was a thing to say to the female comic? Are you fucking? Really? Are you fucking?
Wow. Are you fucking? That bald, no tread on that tire, you're saying. Just are you fucking? Are you fucking? And I was fine when I started. Like, I was fine as fuck. So I'm not going to mention the names, but a lot of motherfuckers came at me. And...
Women went for this also? Some, some did. Some, some did. Some, you know, some, some did because they maybe felt like they had to. And some women was doing that too. You fucking, you coming on the road with me. I mean, it's what it was. I just, I just was like, none of you bitches could ever even, ew. Right.
Right. It's so interesting. Oh, I think we could have some war stories like a mother. Well, I mean, I don't have war stories like that. And that's, you know, something I've been lucky about. I mean, life is a complex mixture of advantages and disadvantages for sure. That is one thing I've been lucky for. I didn't have to have be coerced.
to go on the road to give up my sexuality. And I would have happily, because I certainly wasn't getting any from anybody in those days. I would love it if somebody had said, are you fucking? Because the answer was no. You'd be like, not you. Oh, man, you wouldn't believe some of the shit women have to put up with. Oh, you know, here's an interesting story. It's certainly anecdotal.
Let me just start and just put the big headline on it. It's anecdotal. It's one person, but it is a real story. A woman I know, now late 20s, okay, went into the Navy in 2017. Very attractive. Yes, African-American. What? You're looking at me like... I'm like, how's the story going to end? Not badly. Okay. But when she was about to get out...
or close, it was like a year away or something. I said, "Well, now that you could see the end, tell me about, we were catching up." I said, "Tell me about your experience." And we were talking about the Navy, like some really hairy things like fucking sleeping on the beach in Saudi Arabia. When they deploy, they fucking make them sleep on the beach. You think that spider was big? Said there were spiders this fucking big on the beach in Saudi Arabia.
But I guess we were guarding the oil. I don't know what we were doing. Oh, my God. I'm just saying America spends like so many billions of dollars for the military to do all sorts of things which are unnecessary. But it's who we are. Okay. Anyway, so she, I said, and got her out. I said, and what about racism? Where was that on the scale in your time in the Navy? Again, this is one person.
I said, you know, was it on the scale of one to ten? And she said, I personally never really saw racism in the Navy, but sexual harassment was every day. And that must have been hard being on a boat with a motherfucker. Right.
Again, anecdotal. I'm sure someone else could say something else, and I'm sure there is still racism aplenty in not just the military, but... I'm pretty sure it's micro... Yes, everywhere in society, still something that we should work... This is the thing about... But it's so interesting... It's sad. I don't get it. We are kind of monofocused on that.
And very often the thing that fucks up your, I mean, in her case, you know, it wasn't racism. It was sexual harassment. Sexual harassment. I mean, can you imagine being around a bunch of men? I was a... And men who were young, who grew up in a kind of
I mean, I'm not saying, again, that racism still isn't there, but if you're a 20-year-old guy, it's like racism is not a cool thing. It's not cool. Anymore. But fuck what bitches is. No, I mean, and it's certainly too acceptable in too many places and with too many people. But, yeah, I can see how 22-year-old guys on the ship, even the white ones, weren't like... That wasn't their idea. But that's more scary. I would rather for them to be racist than to be sexually...
Well, when I was young, though, I was such a different, I was, I had that such masculine shit. I knew how to handle dudes like that. But see, just even saying that shows you how dangerous it is because I learned how to handle that. Like, I remember being a. I mean, you need a very strong man because you're a strong woman. I mean, you know. I mean, yeah. And funny. Men are so. You don't even have to be funny. I really want. But you are. I want him to be corny.
You are funny. Yes. So that's intimidating to a lot of men. And that's so, see, I was laughing because I told everybody when I was on my way over here, I was like, Bill Maher is going to find my boyfriend.
I could. I think that you exactly know. I certainly could pick him out in a lineup of who, of, wait, of like who isn't going to. He will be in the lineup. I like him tough. That's a scream. That's a great joke. But, but of who is not up to par because I could, I could eliminate anyone.
like five of the seven contestants immediately because I just know... So can I. Yeah. Fucking eliminate me. I just know that they would not be strong enough for you. It's not even about strong enough. It's about being intelligent and having... Well, that too. Just being a real person. Well, that too. Just a real person. But also...
You want, I mean, I'm getting in trouble for this, but. Say it. I will. Big dick. Believe me. No, well, that too, but. It has to be. I'm six feet tall. Well, that would be part of what I was going for. Which is like, I think. Stop bullshit. No matter how strong a woman is.
It probably feels good at a certain point. When we're fucking taken, just thrown around. Oh, thank you for saying it for me. Slap me around a couple, not slap, but you know, grab my... No, not literally, we don't... No, no, no. Let's turn it to something else. It's like the old days of TV when the screen just goes to...
Or that little beat back. Exactly. This is a warning system. Oh, my God. No, we're just saying that at the height of passion. I like masculine, man. Right. At the height of passion. I mean, if a guy is not passing out some weak shit.
He's going to make you feel a way, perhaps, that feels good and is not what you're normally used to being so, like, in control and the strong one and the smart one. I am completely submissive when the door closes. There you go. You know the phrase? Completely submissive when the door closes. Fuck your brains out. I'm telling you, I had a four-year booty call with an Israeli, and he knew exactly what to do. Is that right? Oh, my God.
My God, I love Israelis. And what are you, a Meshuggah? They smell good. And they fuck like black men. I love them. Where did he go? What happened? Oh, I'm pretty sure he got deported at some point. Somebody snitched on him. You don't even know? Somebody snitched on him. You were so into it with this guy for so long? Nah, man. This SNL saved my life from this dude. I had to start. I stalked him at the same time we fucked. We was fucking at the same time I was stalking him.
But what happened to him? I mean, he just probably went back to Israel. But you don't know? This seems like a relationship. Why would I need to know? Fuck him. He needed to be out of my life. Oh, so he was toxic? Oh, he was toxic as fuck. But the sex was good? The sex was fucking incredible. Right. It's very hard. I have a saying. It's stuck. Why is it like that? Between me and me, and that is water rolls downhill. And what I mean when I say that is like,
You know, you can try to be this kind of person and this kind of person and like this kind of thing and this kind of thing. But at the end of the day, water rolls downhill. It's going to roll. And, you know, with me, it's going to roll to what I like. And I don't want to apologize for it. I just started doing that. And what I like is not going to be an age-appropriate thing.
A librarian. It's just not. Water rolls downhill. I literally just started telling myself that stop telling yourself that you're going to be accepting when a dude shows up and he has a small fucking dick and he can't fuck. Right. I mean, I've even had dudes that had small dicks that could fuck. It doesn't matter. Here's my analogy with why basketball is like a great lover.
Because to be a great basketball player, an elite basketball player, you have to have three things. You have to have all three. You have to have an incredible passion for the game. Now, if you have the high basketball IQ, then you're going to be in that stratosphere with Michael Jordan and LeBron and blah, blah, blah. Okay. But you can be just a really elite player. Or a gym rat and you just badly want to be great.
Then you have to have skills. You just have to have skills. You have to shoot. Fundamentals. You at least have to have fundamentals. Yeah. Well, to be an elite player, skills. Past fundamentals. Fundamentals, I can see on Venice Boulevard. Right. Okay. You have to have skills. You have to know how to fucking execute a reverse layup without thinking about it. Okay? Being able to...
And the third thing you have to have, which is my analogy with lovemaking, which would be you have to be the passion for it. You have to really love doing it. You have to not just want to come. Exactly. You don't want to make her come. Okay. That's one. And then you have to have skills, which takes time to develop. But, yes, you can have skills. The third thing, if you're a basketball player, what's the third thing you have to be? If you have the passion, you have the skills, what else do you need? Passion. Height. Height. Height.
As the coaches say, you can't teach height. You cannot be a great basketball player. You cannot be an elite basketball player. Wait, let me finish. You can't be an elite one. You can be a good one. An elite player. But you can't be an elite player. Even the guards are like 6'6". Okay, there's been the occasional muggsy bogues, but they don't last long. There are two liability on defense teams.
You have to be tall as well as passionate and skilled. And it's the same with lovemaking. You have to have a certain tallness where it counts.
Or you can't be on the great level. I mean, I feel like the size fits the person. So a short person can do it. I'm six feet tall. But it actually doesn't. I'm six feet tall. You can be tall and have a small dick. No, I know. But I'm saying that that dick, though, might fit a shorter girl. And she might cool. I have no girls who like small dicks. Me, I'm six feet tall. And I'm rough.
You know, you gotta have some girth, motherfucker. Like, have some girth. In such a lovely way, though. In such a lovely way. Such a lovely way. Such a fucking lovely way. Absolutely. You know, when you used to do that thing on the show with, I can't remember his name, but you... Colin? What? Colin? No, the other one. You pretended to be boyfriend-girlfriend. Oh, Mikey Day? No, no, I don't think that's him. Around the office.
He either had a crush on you. Oh, Kyle. Yes. Yes, you ran that bit back more than a few times. Those were the most torturous pre-tapes. I don't think I started liking Kyle until the last year. It cracked me the fuck up. It cracked
everybody and i never understood why everybody thought that shit was so funny can i explain why yes it's so funny i think is because of what we're just talking about because he just seemed like the last guy in the world right who could ever satisfy the great leslie john i know that's what that's what that's what kills me about it this is not funny and we would do stuff and
people would be like, you are literally the best actor. I was like, I don't fucking get it. That's what it was. That's what it was. Oh my God. Is that you, that guy, it would, it's like the old joke about the, the mouse who's fucking the elephant. You know. How the fuck is that even possible? Tight, huh? But, it's just,
It's just ridiculous. But yeah, you did a lot of great stuff.
So you didn't want to do it for... You didn't want to keep going? Nah, man. That's a burnout show. Oh, man. That's a burnout show. That's not only physically and mentally hard on you. It's 100 hours a week. Right. It's two jobs. It's almost like... You become a beast afterwards. But when I started that, I knew. Because if I started in my 20s, hell yeah, I'd have probably did 10 seasons. That's almost like a... You know, there are government jobs. Yeah. Like chief of staff that people only last two...
two years, even though it's a four-year term usually. Some last the whole time, but it is so demanding. It's very... Like, you can only do it for a certain amount of years, and I feel like, just from what I know from the grapevine, that that show is kind of like that.
It's so demanding. It's very like that. It's a little like a hitch in the military. You got to be like, man, you got to be fucking strong. And I mean, you got to be strong. It makes you a beast, though. It makes you a beast. But man, fuck that. And then living in New York, too. Now, maybe if we did it in L.A., it might feel a little better. Right. Having to deal with New York and do that show.
That's again, so it was hard parallel to my experience because when I was in New York to do Politically Incorrect. I was not a happy boy because look I grew up as a Suburbs in New York my father worked in New York every day I went to the city as a kid with the family whenever whatever when I moved there after college
It's like it just never agreed with me. I grew up in the suburbs. I like the suburbs. Like here. Yeah, I mean, New York is a fucking hard city. I don't like living in a building. It's so hard. And it's hard. And I did not get along with the women.
That was the main reason. Well, I'm going to be honest. Yeah, the bitches, they could be bitches. The whole women are hardcore out there. You have to be though. The city is hard. If I may extend the basketball analogy. Okay. Women in New York, no layups.
It was always playoff defense. Like, you go into the lane and you are going to get fucking swatted out of there. Let me tell you. You don't get a couple of block shots. It was Jordan rules. Yeah. That's what I felt. It was like no, really. To hear that, I'm just like, oh, wow. No easy ones. None. So they're just very hardcore. I,
- Because the city makes them that way. - Right, I always say that. It's a kind of a vicious cycle because I have heard the tales from women of what guys do and they're very aggressive. You know, it's the guy on the sidewalk, "Hey, hey, how you doing? "How you doing? "Hey, give me a smile. "What are you, too good to smile? "Hey, smile at me, hey. "Hey, give me a smile, ladies." - Also, people don't give credit to the city itself. Just living in New York, just, it's hard
walking, the weather, the dirtiness, the trains. It's hard living there, period. So to live in the city, that shit makes you a hard-core motherfucker already. So the women you're seeing is just surviving winter like a motherfucker. So that's what I would always say. I was like, the men there, I couldn't get with the men there. It was just so many different groups of men and they just all were fucking weird and none of them really liked me.
I mean, when I came out here to California, I got laid more in one year than I did in the whole six years that I was in New York. That's what I say. It's amazing that you and I have this parallel. Well, you'd think it would be so the opposite.
I thought I was going to get all kinds of men when I started SNL. I thought I was going to get all kinds of men. Nothing. Really? And I would stand by and watch them other bitch ass men get women. You'd be like, you are a fucking idiot. Why do they like you? You're an idiot.
You know what? You just either vibe with a certain city or you don't. There are certain cities I've known as a comic, you must know the same thing, traveling the country. You just vibe. Even the way they handle weed. Oh my God, the way they handle weed, like they'd never ever heard of weed. It's like when I would smoke, oh my God, the lady next door would complain and I'd be like, bitch.
I'm not the only person smoking on this floor. And why the fuck do you care? There's a bitch smoking. There's a bitch cooking curry across the fucking hallway. You don't smell the fucking curry? Like, bitch, if curry's still coming in my fucking apartment, I'm going to smoke whatever the fuck I want. Oh, you made me drop the joint, you funny bitch.
That is so true, though. Curry, right. There was no time that I didn't come home. I lived in Harlem when I first... No disrespect to the wonderful Indian people. I would go crazy. I would come home. It was like garlic, curly. I'd be in the elevator. I'd be like, Jesus, where? This is the worst. I can say I can prefer the smell of pot to the smell of curry without being a racist monster. Can't I? It's just a personal taste. My thing is if you're going to come
complain about the weed, complain about the curry. You know what I'm saying? I smell your shit. You smell my shit. Like, it's not pork chops, but it's fucking weed. That's what I'm cooking over here, okay? And I'm the type of person, like, if this is my apartment, I do what the fuck I want to. As long as I'm not killing rabbits in this motherfucker and turning them into platinum. Killing rabbits.
Just taking reps and dipping them in platinum. You are too much. You know, as long as I'm not doing that shit, leave me the fuck alone. I knew I'd like you. Oh, my God. I'm telling you. It's so funny, though. Oh. So when I got to L.A., I was like, ooh, yeah. I got to find my man out here. So you got to look for me a man.
Oh, I will. And I will show you the picture of the type of dude I like. I'm good at that. You know what? I'm good at that. I know. I'm not. I don't think anyone could accuse me of being good at keeping any one single relationship of mine going, given that I'm 66 and I've never been married. You're 66? Yes. Oh, shit. But that has been by design.
I mean, I never really wanted to get married. Yeah, you look like a bachelor. You seem like a... Well, and also I'm suited to be a bachelor. But I have been very good at...
finding someone for someone else and doing that. And I love doing it. I loved it. Well, then you have got your hardest project, sir. No, it's not a hard project at all. It's an easy project. Sir, and I will tell you what I like, sir. But I have to... I like them terrorists looking at my books. You know what? I know what you like, but...
I like them to look like they're going to blow my house up. I can see. Yeah. After they blow their turkey up. I think I know what you're like before you even have to tell me. What is it? Because you are me. I think we're very similar. It's not like even that I'm like, I do like the pretty boys, but I like- No, I get it. I think it's pretty. You want masculine energy. Oh, my God. I just like them to be hairy. I mean, I know that masculinity nowadays- They can cry, but like- Is toxic.
And we're very toxic. But you know what? Life is complicated and nothing is perfect. There's a certain amount of toxicity in everything. Like these fucking things we're smoking and the drinks. You know what? I mean, so yes, we're a little toxic. But Jesus Christ, you can't get, there's no win-wins. Whoever taught America that term should fucking stick their head in the oven. I just want everybody to stop trying to be Jesus.
Just stop trying to be Jesus. You need to stop. Well, don't tell it to my gardener. His name is Jesus. Hilarious! Yo, for real. Are you mocking me? No, I love that. Oh, okay. I'm telling you, that's the common statement. Well, listen, um...
Before I go, I want to mention you have a podcast. Yes. And you, like, there's too many of them, but you are someone who completely deserves one and should have one. And you want to listen to mine. I do. I do. Because the rest of them, I don't know what the fuck they be doing. Because you're such a, you're a natural and you worked at it. You know, you're both. I like it. And you have a big dick. So you've got those three things that make you a great lover. It's so cute. It's so cute.
And I love to use it. Okay. Well, I loved meeting you. I know. I hope you had as good a time as I did. I did. You were so crazy. Me too. Oh, my God. So come back anytime. Don't say that. Even when we're not filming. Don't say that because I live close to you and you'll wake up to me going, damn, wake up.
This is a good place to party, isn't it? I mean, couldn't you see? You know why I love it? Because you can't ruin it. You can just be down and dirty here. Look at this floor. You've got to get people to sign an NDA before you come in. There's spiders all around. It's concrete. You can't wreck it. You've got to get people to sign an NDA before they come in here. No. Because shit can happen here. You know what I'm saying? Just be nice to people and they won't sue you.
Okay. I don't know. I don't know. You need to talk to your lawyer about that. I think that's funny. I know I've had way too much fun. But I will say this. If you are nice to people, it cuts down on like 95%. It does. It does. People generally... But people still will sue you. People... Yes.