Kris Jenner | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Sit over there. Here? Okay. With your bucket of ice. You either have a sore foot or you're planning on having a tequila. Look what I brought you. Is that your tequila? It's Kendall's. Right. I remember when she started that. 818. Man. 818. I seem to remember that tequila was not like a popular drink when we were young.

It was when I was young because I grew up in San Diego, so I was close to the border. Oh. And if we wanted to go drinking, we would go to Tijuana. You were bootlegging in tequila? That's right. That's my history. You could make that the family origin story. I know. I know. Kendall's got a better one, and I'm too old school for her. And I'm kind of a vodka girl, but...

Well, I do drink tequila. Well, I got you three different kinds, I think. I don't often drink. Añejo. But when I do. Reposado and then the Blanco somewhere. Anyway, you'll enjoy it. You'll like it. You know, okay. I love it. So, I'm picking the darker one for no other reason than like a child. I go for the... The darker one? Well...

What are you trying to say, Bill? I guess both of us would know about that. I'm saying, I don't know, I find it shinier and more looking like liquor. I know, I know. What's the difference? Well, we just, they're just, I don't know, they're just different colors. I'll get that later. You know.

You're so funny. So you're here. But I mean, this is a lighter feel to it. There must be a difference. It can't just be the color. I think it's the way that they're aged, the way that they're produced, the way that, you know. What's the effect on me? Do I feel like? It'll get just as drunk. Do you have so many products that you can't?

If you don't have the time to worry about... Well, no, this isn't mine. Kendall actually spent a lot of time in Mexico doing this. And I'll tell you one cool thing about it, and then we can move on. But the cool thing that I love about this is when they finish making the tequila with the agave plant, and it comes out of the kiln, they take what's left over and make it into bricks and...

And then they build houses for the people in the community and give back to all the people that live around there that can't afford to do that for themselves. So it's pretty cool. What town is that? Alisco. What country? Mexico. I was there once for a movie I did in the 80s. And I was like,

You know, my first decade in show business, mostly a stand-up, but I did movies like Cannibal Women and The Avocado Jungle of Death. Oh, one of my faves. Wow. Well, it did win 11 Academy Awards. It did not. No, it didn't. I'm like, wait a second. I missed out on that one. That's funny. Now, is this on streaming? Yes.

That's not a real movie, right? At this point, I'm streaming. No, it's a real movie. Absolutely. Is it? It's a movie I did in 1988. Okay. I'm just saying. So I did this other movie called Club Med. Do you remember the era of the movie of the week? Yeah. Of course. I do. Of course you do. I'm the same age as you. I know. And I have to tell you, people think I'm crazy, but I was telling him, I said, I'm

Maybe it's dating me, but I find you by far the most interesting Kardashian to talk to. Well, because we're the same age. And because... From the same generation. But it's not just because we're the same age. It's because by reaching this age, we have 30 more years...

Of wisdom, experience, things that happen to us. Than anyone else. Well, than somebody who's 35. Yeah. But that's why so many people watch the show because you can relate to somebody. Of course. There's so many of us. Oh, that's true. You know what I mean? If you're 25 or if you're 65. For me.

you know, if I'm going to act, this is, we're just talking, you know, to talk to somebody, I would much rather talk to somebody who is this age, because again, we have all these life experiences. Yes. And I mean, I wouldn't go back to 30, would you? No. It was just, no, because I'd have to have my stupid 30 year old brain. Yeah. Well, I had, by the time I was 30, I had

I think almost four kids. I think I had four kids by the time I was 30, so I was very busy. I was running around and, you know, raising kids and doing all that, so that was a lot. But it also...

Makes you grow up. Yeah, really fast. I remember when I was, you know, like a real runabout town kind of bachelor, like in the 90s. Playboy, were you a playboy? Well. Did you hang out at the mansion? I do have the play sign over there. Did you? Yeah, I really do. Did you go to the playboy mansion and hang out there on the weekends? I did not hang out on the weekends. You know, I used to go to the, people thought I lived there.

there. Well, it was a thing. Like if you were like a successful, handsome bachelor in those days, you knew Hef and you were invited to the mansion and he had parties and I'm an authority now for some reason. Right. But yeah, that was just like, if you were cool, that was a thing in those days. Yeah. If you were, I mean, he liked me a lot because, you know, we,

trod some of the same themes about America. I mean, he really was, I mean, before it got sort of to be a parody of itself in the later years with the seven girlfriends and the, you know, and now... But before that? You know, certainly when he started, I mean, he was also a major civil rights champion who did a lot for a lot of the causes which liberals hold most dear today. I mean, anti-homophobia, certainly women's liberation. Did you see that

documentary that was like a million years long. There's like eight of them. I'm in like four of them. Oh, wow. Well, I mean, there's a lot of documentaries. The one that was done mostly in black and white. Anyway, I watched it and I learned so much about him.

I don't know why we're talking about him, but yeah. Because I was going to say about motherhood. Do you have kids? No. Not to my knowledge. No, I'm kidding. Definitely no. Definitely no. Well, I guess there could be a kid somewhere. I mean, one might pop up. That's so true. I think it's a little late in the game for that to have happened. Yeah.

No, no, no. Kids, no. No? No kids? I never liked kids when I was a kid. Oh. And I never, the one thing in my life that's been completely steady has never changed. Consistent. About kids. Yeah. You know, I mean, obviously that's such a personal thing. You, I mean, you did it twice. Kids? I mean, two sets of kids. Oh, yeah, two litters, for sure. I had two complete litters. I had four with Robert and two with Bruce.

A.K.A. Caitlin. Oh, that's right. I forgot there's a boy in the mix. Yeah. I had three girls and a boy, and then I have five girls and one boy. And wait, did you get, are you married? No. No. No. Okay. I'm just not in that, that's not my lane. The whole marriage. The whole, no. I mean, I don't know.

I know that people look at me as you're kind of looking at me now like it's a weird thing. No, it's not a weird thing. It's not a weird thing anymore, right? No, it's not weird at all. No. I don't think marriage or kids are for everybody. Exactly. It's just total personal preference. Right.

But there was a time when there was, I mean, it used to be stigmatized a lot more, you know, if you were childless. I mean, they even, women, they had a word for it, spinster. By the time they were 30, women were made to feel like if you didn't have a child by the time you were 30 or married or you were just an old maid.

And then by the time my kids got older, that window of when they would say that or criticize that was like 10 years. It grew to another decade. So like 40. It was cool to still have babies at 40. I had a baby at 40 and I had a baby at 41, which is...

Common now. Yeah, I think so. My mother had me at 37, which was not common in 1956. Oh, wow. I mean, it wasn't, you know, not something that no one did, but it was not, yeah. It's interesting. Because, like you said, they got married at 20. Yeah. Everybody got married at high school or college, and you picked your partner, and that was supposed to be who you were going to be with for the rest of your life and raise a family, and that's that.

So I may have told this story before, but you don't know it. It amuses me about this subject. I had a job summer between my first and second year of college looking to make summer money living at home. The job was to sell cookware door to door. Stop. But here's what's evil about it. There was a four-day training session you go to.

And they show you how to do the whole demonstration in somebody's living room. I mean, you're walking up to people's door with like two gigantic suitcases because this is girls who are buying cookware. They said, go through the high school yearbook. Find the girls who are not going to college. And those are the girls that are going to buy it? Because they're not going to college. You see, they're going to marry and they're going to need cookware.

So you had a focus group. You knew exactly what you were doing. It was an early type of focus group. And then you would just cold call them because people's names were in the phone book. And they let you in the door. That's so scary. And you'd do the demonstration in the living room. It took like an hour.

Did you have to know how to cook? Well, no. You just had to know how to show, how to demonstrate, you know, the fucking pots and pans and, you know, this one goes on top of this and you can make sauce with this. And it was a spiel. Oh, my God. You know, I was a salesman. I lasted three days.

Do you have any of your cookware left? No, it wasn't my cookware. For like a vintage set you saved for... No, it was not my cookware. I was just selling it. All right. Oh, my God. But that was their attitude, was that the women who weren't going to college...

We're going to be homemakers. Exactly. Because you had to figure, you know, in those days, we raised young women to have a plan. Like, you needed a plan. A plan meaning? Like with your life, like a life plan. Like, what are your goals? What are your plans? What are you going to do? That's why it was always really important for everybody to get married by the time they were out of college, I guess.

Wow, that's like a bonfire. Do you want any? No, thank you. You know I'm a smoke pot. What? Is that pot? Of course. Oh. What did you think it was? You mix it in the cigar? Because otherwise, that's the biggest joint I've ever seen in my life. Well, you must have seen a blood, Chris. No. Come on. No. Your family, you've never seen a blood? No, I have. Okay. Of course. And this is hardly...

I mean, it's generous. That's pretty. Do you smoke the whole thing? Well, I mean, you know, if you challenge me.

No, I don't need to smoke. People think I'm a much bigger pot smoker than I possibly could. Oh, I didn't even know you smoked pot. Whenever they see me, I'm smoking pot and it's a giant cigar. I don't know why people get this impression. But the truth is, I really don't smoke. I don't smoke every day. Okay. Never did. Never want to. Well, maybe it just relaxes you. It's a treat. No, it does the opposite. Oh, really? It gets me up. I can't do anything that I really like to do without it.

Really? Yeah. I can't fuck. I can't write. I can't do stand-up. So I really like pot. It's true. Oh, my God. I mean, I guess I could, but why? It's just better with. So what do you like to do, smoke pot or have like a tequila or both? Well, I rarely drink anymore because, you know, I mean, honestly, you look like you're in your 40s. I don't know how you do that.

Must be some line of thing that you're making a billion dollars on, I'm sure. But like, I just know at 66, if you drink more than like, literally, I have like three drinks a week.

If you drink more than that, you'll look like Ted Kennedy. Now. It does make – if you drink – like, I feel it if I go, like, on a trip or vacation. Oh, and that. And you're drinking, and then, you know, you have to – moderation is a good thing. Well, it's – I mean, that's a charitable way to put it. I mean, it's forced moderation because when you're older –

You are just playing with, like, so little wiggle room. You know what I mean? When I was 25, 30, even 40, I mean, there was many nights when you were hammered. Yeah. You would go from club to club, you know, different bars and clubs. Did you ever have a life like that? No. Never? Well, no. But come on, wasn't, I mean, Robert was a...

A man about town? Yeah, I mean, our big night was we had, I mean, I got married in 1978 and I got pregnant on my honeymoon. So nine months later, I had a baby. And you're not out, most of my 20s, I guess, and part of my 30s and then again, 40s were pregnancies.

So in those days, nobody drank. If you were pregnant, you did not drink. I never drank when I was pregnant.

Boy, they really kept you barefoot and pregnant. They did, yeah. But you liked it. I love, best part of my whole life. Is being pregnant? Uh-huh. It looks like a mess. Yeah, you got to really love it to do it six times. I mean, that's a lot of years being spent pregnant. I have a couple of my daughters who didn't have the greatest pregnancies, but I was very blessed. I had the greatest pregnancies and I had great deliveries.

Wow. And I had them all naturally, so I didn't have C-section and, you know, all the other complications that can go along with it. I got lucky. I was very lucky. You know, meeting you and just looking at you in person, I really see the resemblance to Kim Korn.

Yeah. You really do look alike. That's a good thing. She's my daughter. Yeah, that's what happens. I guess I never really... I haven't kept up with the Kardashians as well as I... Oh, that's okay. But, you know, the thing is about... I mean, everything that's happened to you, you could never have predicted this life. You couldn't make this up. You couldn't. You couldn't even...

I mean, I often think... Dream this. But I think a lot of what has happened with you, it could not... I don't think you manipulated it, and I don't think it could have been. No. You know, it's like you couldn't have manipulated having five girls. No. Because that's sort of the brand, girlhood.

Not in those days, yeah. There wasn't that technology of like, oh, let's – you know, nowadays you can take an egg and a sperm and spin the sperm. No, the sperm is what is responsible for the sex of the baby. So they can now take the sperm and manipulate the sperm to be a boy or a girl. Really? Yeah.

Welcome to 2022. They've been doing that for quite a while, I think. But when I was getting pregnant, it just all happened very naturally. So you couldn't have manipulated that. And then I must say, I always think that

the public projects a level of exoticism on celebrity relationships that does not exist. In other words, they think that things are going on when people are in a relationship that are just more exotic than

than they are. Whereas I think mostly it's people just acting like, when it comes to relationships, because especially women are women before they're celebrities. They don't, you know, it's like people aren't having threesomes and arrangements. They're having regular things. And then they fall sometimes for people, like people fall. And then they're in the same ruts people get in.

Right. When they've been together a while. Right. Marriages happen and they fall apart for the same reasons they do for – Oh, totally. Totally. Okay, but they don't think that. But I think that everything now is manipulated by, you know, what's going on in our society and social media. You know, it's just people can make up whatever they want to make up and once somebody says it out loud, it makes it a fact and, you know –

I just think that kind of goes along with being, in these days, with being a celebrity or whatever you want to call it. Yeah. I mean, it's also fantastic for your business. Well, it's a great, it can be the best thing in the world or it can be, you know, toxic as well. It just depends on the day.

You know, that's just the nature of the game with social media. I think it can be a place where people are, you know, can be bullies or it can be great for business. You know, there's a lot of good and bad. If it was more bad than good, you could –

Exactly. That is such a good idea. That is amazing. I mean, I'm guessing that, you know, on a much bigger level than what I deal with, it's like, yeah, there are downsides. Yeah.

Yeah. To fame. But on a whole, it's a positive and that's why we keep doing it. That's right. And it is. I mean, what is so, you know, you have a camera crew everywhere. Okay. It's like... Right. But, you know, I guess after a while it just becomes, you know, whatever your life is, it becomes your life. Right. It's not like you're not the boss of them. Well, exactly. And I think we've been doing it for so long. Yeah. And we love what we do. And we love...

our life. And so, you know, I feel really lucky to be in the position I'm in. And there is a, I mean, I could make a case that there's kind of a service. I guess a country needs like this, you know, family that they can kind of project themselves on or compare themselves to or follow their, the shit that's going on in their life or something. But there is something to, you know, maybe it's some sort of psychological release people need. And I feel like

You just, yeah, I guess it's like almost faded that you were, right? Don't you think? I think, you know what? I think that what we do is...

Apparently, and thank goodness, very interesting to a lot of people. And we have people that have followed the show for a really long time, since day one in 2007 when we first started doing what we do. And I think I look at it like this. I look at it when we first started shooting our show, I had my kids. I didn't have one grandchild. And now I have 12. Wow.

Isn't that crazy? You have 12 grandchildren. Your kids have 12 children? Yeah.

My babies made babies. That's a lot of humans. It's really crazy. So I just, I look at that and that's when I really put it into perspective. And I think, oh my goodness, we started doing this and it was, you know, so much fun. And it was a way to, I, my, one of my daughters, Courtney and I had a clothing store and I thought this is going to be great. If we have a reality show, we'll probably sell more.

baby clothes, you know, because it was a little baby, you know, children's clothing store. And then the, you know, just going from that and the way that we evolved and the way that we all grew through the years, it really, it's kind of remarkable when I think about it in terms of how many kids that and grandkids I have. You know what I find amazing is I remember I don't

I can't remember exactly what year this was, but somewhere around 10 years ago maybe. Okay. I remember when a maitre d' at a restaurant in this town, a very highfalutin kind of restaurant,

Nobody you know. Okay. I'm like, what? I'm going to tell you. Okay. I can't wait. Bated breath. I can see. What's happening? What's happening? You're making me nervous. Have a little of this. Calm down. No, no, no. What do you think? I'm going to say something terrible? No, no. Have I said anything terrible? No, not yet. I'm so thrilled you're here. I'm thrilled to be here. This is fun. Yes, exactly. I was telling somebody who was sitting in there last week, like,

People like us, you know, we're workaholics, basically. We like work. It's fulfilling. And so, like, when do we get to know people? When we're working.

You're right. When you build it into work, we do it. Not that we don't have a social life, but I mean, most of your time with 12 grandchildren and the kids, I mean, I'm sure most of it is family as it should be. It's all family. And it's somebody asked me the other day, who are you hanging out with right now? And I'm like, my kids. Yeah, of course. And the grandkids, because there's so many people.

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Hey, while I got you listening to the podcast, I just want to say I'm going to be on the road this Saturday, this Saturday coming up in New York City. One of my favorite gigs of the year, the Hulu Theater at Madison Square Garden. This is the show that America needs to see right now. So don't be a traitor. Get your tickets at nycomedyfestival.com or at Ticketmaster. You will laugh your ass off, I promise.

Wealth in America, I guess most places, is a fluke. It's usually a fluke what will get you rich. I mean, if I didn't have perfect comic timing...

And couldn't tell a joke. I wouldn't, you know, have this house. You know, that's kind of a fluke. I mean, that probably wouldn't have paid as well in the year 1500. If you could throw a baseball, you could be a, you know, a trillionaire. Well, you know, you have an amazing talent. And you've been able to share that with people who fall in love with what you do. And then you're able to...

you know, parlay that into a career and then be able to do nice things for yourself. And I think that's really great. I mean, my, my, what I live for in my life, just, you know, with my kids and some people ask me like, what is your biggest, you know, goal in your life? And I, and I say, I think the biggest thing that I really am proud of it. And just the thing that I focus on is just

Really helping my kids find in life what their passion is. No, it smells good actually. What their passion is and helping them figure out a way to make it a career or a living that they can be. They haven't all done that already? Yeah, but I mean that's been the joy and the beauty of the process.

has been so rewarding and satisfying for me because I got to really help them and work with them. And we were given this amazing opportunity of a reality show. And then to be able to do something with that opportunity was really the dream. Some of it was fate. I just think another family could have been given that beginning and not come out.

where you were. You know, there was some very... It just depends on what you're, like you said, what the opportunity presents itself. And there's a lot of people. Some people, you know, give me credit for this or that, but I could not have done any of this without exactly the kids that I have. And it's just the way it all turned out. Yeah, I know. Show business is work. I mean, look, it is a combination of luck

and destiny, but also I've got to think that it took a lot of business acumen. Not just work hard. Anybody can work hard. Not everybody can have that

business acumen. A friend of mine once said the funniest joke about, I won't say the name because it'll insult somebody, but he was the son of a very, very rich and famous producer. And then he was a producer in television my son worked for. And he said, this guy, he turned $200 million into $250 million. Yeah, if you start with $200 million, it's easy to go to $250 million.

If you start with nothing and you get to billions, I have to think there was some, you know, decisions that were made. I mean, being like a, being a director, being any kind of director, it's a series of just constantly making decisions on details. And some people make the right calls like a coach, you know, and some people don't, you know.

You know, I always saw you as kind of like the general manager of the Kardashian team. That's it. That's pretty accurate. You make trades. There's a lot of people that are watching us and everybody gets emotionally attached or excited to watch one of us.

There's so many of us. And then you kind of see this family through their living their life. And there's ups and downs and marriages and divorces and babies. And it's crazy. And I think that- But those things you mentioned are all so consequential that if you were faking that, it would be just- No one can fake-

Well, not for 20 years. No, and not with those kind of things in life. You don't fake a baby. No, that would be odd. Yeah, that would be odd. Very odd. That would be odd. But no, we have a good time. We're really lucky to be doing what we're doing, and I get to be with my family every single day. So that's the joy. You're on your new tip now.

You know, you had the old one and now you're, you know, basic same idea. Just the way I went from politically incorrect to real time is basically a similar show. But, you know, you could have walked away two years ago. Well, we did. And then we came back with Hulu. And it's been amazing working with Disney and a whole new family and a whole new production crew. Hulu was Disney? Uh-huh.

Disney owns Hulu. I can't keep track anymore. I don't know who owns me. I know I like them. You don't? Do you like them? No, I do. You do, too. I love them. Yeah, I do, I do, I do. But it's hard to keep... No, we're having the time of our lives, and this has been such an amazing experience. It's been...

really, really fun to do and film a little bit differently because when you do something for a very long time, it was, you know, we loved what we were doing and we loved our crew and our network, all of it. But, you know, it was, I think, just time for us to end that chapter on 20 seasons. We had such a great time. And then we decided we really missed what we were doing and we loved what we were doing.

And so we went back. So how was life different when you weren't doing a show? What was missing? Well, it's hard to explain. Well, we have our businesses and we have our day-to-day that's extremely busy and full of lots of things and responsibilities. But I think we just really missed that.

being together. I think we felt like we weren't together as much doing our own thing, working on our individual brands and businesses and everything and traveling in different directions. And when we do a show, it really does bring us closer together. And we do our family vacations and we do things that we can also film. And it's just a great excuse to be together. But there must be things that you wouldn't say on camera. You're all just savvy and know not to like

That you then get to say –

So, yeah, you can – if you have something that's, you know, you don't want to perhaps share with the rest of the world, you know, and you know, you're savvy enough to now know it's going to be filmed, then you wait until maybe you're not filming one day that week that you want to – Well, I mean, and the kids, you know, were sort of brought up in this from the get-go. Well, Kendall and Kylie were 9 and 10 when they started filming. So it's always been second nature that you have your camera –

It's like if you were to go to an event or a party or have a dinner, you're not going to say everything you want to say in that very moment if you don't want to say something in front of me or, you know. Reminds me of the maitre d'.

What happened to the... Are you going to tell me his name? How long ago was that when that started? 10 minutes? I think it was 15, to be honest. Okay, so... Here in the VIP lounge. No, that's the VIP. Oh, best friends only. Sorry, I'm telling you. My purse is over there. Right. Your best friend. It's very safe. Very private. Yes, well, you know, there's the VIP, and then there's my house. We take this in steps. This is... You have... This is...

This is great. It is. There's a vibe to this place. I'm so glad you noticed that. No, it's definitely a vibe. It's crazy what's happening here. No, I love it. How many acres do you have here? It's like a huge property. Haters are like germs. You actually need them. Germs. That's such a great... I have to steal that. You can have it. Thank you. I won't even remember I said it after I finished this cigar. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Okay. Then somebody trademarked that quick. Yes. Yep. No, that's a good one. Haters are like germs. Well, in the sense that you actually do need germs. No, you do. I get that. I mean, don't get me off on my medical because I can always talk about that and let's not. Oh, no. But...

people who during this pandemic got it into their heads, and there's way too many of them, that you can somehow avoid germs and pathogens in your life with masking and this and that are not only scientifically wrong, they're doing themselves harm. You need to live amongst germs. Right, you have to build up the resistance. You have to, yeah, exactly. So were you a mask guy? Did you ever wear a mask? Well, only when I had to. When you had to.

All their stuff I only did because I had to. Not that I didn't think it was something to be respected. COVID, of course, it was. And of course, I feel bad for anyone who had terrible outcomes from it. But, you know, they gloss over the fact that most of it was, a lot of it was preventable. I mean, a lot of it was elderly. It was mostly, and that's, you know, elderly people die from everything. I mean, that's the way of life.

And then it was people who were in terrible shape. Yeah. You know, because viruses are opportunistic. Wait, when are we elderly? I don't know, but I mean— Watch out for Chris and Bill. They're going to get sick. When I see— They're elderly. No, it's—I mean, you have a younger boyfriend, right? Mm-hmm. Okay. That's because, you know—

It's funny, when you're younger and you think of 66, you picture somebody decrepit because that's what your parents... My father was like that at 50. He was like, you know, not shuffling, but... We look better than somebody our age looked many decades ago. I think it's just...

You know, we've just learned how to, as a race, we've learned how to take better care of ourselves. Yes, and there's products they didn't have. Yeah. And, you know, I mean. We make a few of them. Right.

I love the way you never miss. You know, never. I'm never going to stop. Yeah. I am going to. Yeah. I'm never going to stop. You're lucky I didn't bring you Kim's new skincare line. I brought you Cora Kendall's tequila instead. I feel very strongly. I'm kidding. I'm teasing. I feel very strongly. One day you and I are going to be doing a morning show. Really? It'll be on a cruise ship. No. No. No.

Wouldn't that be fun? Well, for who? Well, you know what? Here's a little hitch in this plan. Okay. I don't get up in the morning. You don't? Well, I mean. So you want me to take the morning shift? Is that what this is about? Look, Chris, it'll be a hologram of me. Okay.

I'm talking to a hologram. This is amazing. But I always thought that that would be such a fun thing to do, and you'd be a great person to do it with. They must have come to you with shows like that. I filled in for somebody once on a talk show for Fox years ago, and it was really fun. It was a lot of work because I was also shooting...

Keeping Up. Right. But it was fun. It was fun. I did it for, I don't know, eight weeks, ten weeks, but it was a grind. Doing that is a grind. And that's why you'd never do it? No, I would do it. I love a grind.

I do. I'm obsessed with it. Exactly. We're the same person. No, I'm obsessed. We love, we work. Makes me happy to work really hard. And I know so many people like that. Only, you know, can you, Seth MacFarlane, I love you. Yeah, let's do, let's work. It's a challenge, but it's really rewarding.

Yeah, it's really rewarding. So you would do a talk show? Oh, I would totally do a talk show. Okay. You could wear cute outfits and talk to fun people. Just like this. Yeah. Except... Why not? Yeah, I mean, it would be... I mean, this is the most informal, I think, that I could possibly make something. On your estate here. Right. But, I mean, you don't see any other people in the room. You don't even know where the cameras are. Right. We're fucking high. Right. You know, there's no agenda. Well, you're high. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, I'm using the royal we. Hey, just doing a quick commercial in case you don't want to watch commercials. So meta. We have a subscription channel on Apple now called Club Random Velvet Rope, where you can get all the episodes ad-free, most new episodes a week early, full exclusive bonus episodes, and extra bonus content where I talk about whatever the fuck I want. Try it free for a week now. Just search Club Random on Apple Podcasts.

You know what? We're having a great time. And I think that as long as we're, you know, good people and raising our kids and our grandkids, we're, you know, having a good time. You must travel with security, no? Yeah. I do. You should. He's in the booth. You have to. No, we do.

We do. It's just safe, especially, you know, today's day and age. When I toured Europe once, I did stand-up in like five different places in Europe where the audiences who speak English, you know, the Nordic countries and Germany and Amsterdam, England, of course. And like for there, they recommended, and I traveled with three bodyguards. Right. You know, two Israeli bodyguards.

Yeah. Ex-Mossad, you know, like. Wow. And that, look, America is a shitty country right now, but it did give me a little perspective there on like, could be worse. Really. Yeah. You know? Yeah. So, yeah, not a rah-rah kind of guy, but I do like to keep that in perspective. Right. But. I think it's safe. Wait, so do you still do stand-up beer shows? Oh, yeah. And do you tour? Yeah.

Like U.S.? I do, of course. Oh, absolutely the U.S. But I don't, I wouldn't do. I mean, I enjoyed it and, you know, Europe's a great town. But, you know, once was plenty. Just because I'm not a good traveler, you know. You don't like to travel. I would like it, but you know what? It's just, it's the age thing again, you know. When I was 21, my college girlfriend and I, like,

like backpacked across with no money. It was fine. We stayed in youth hostels and stuff. I drove across the country with my college roommate when I was 21. And we slept on the beach and literally in the car and shit like that. And now I...

I can't get to sleep in a five-star hotel after like a jet laggy flight. Yeah, travel's hard on your body. It's hard on your body. It really is. And your body is less resilient. As you get older. Right. So just don't fight it. I know. Well, why don't you do a residency in Vegas?

I play Vegas like six times a year at the Mirage. You do? I have for years. Love it. You should come sometime. Oh, okay. I want to go to his show. Oh, let's do that. Wait, do you know Michael Kivas? You know Michael Kivas. Of course. I know him very well. I've talked to you there. Yes. I love him. Yeah, let's all go. We need to go. Okay, so if we did this Vegas weekend that we're plotting. Right, right.

Are the crew coming? The filming people? The filmers? My grandchildren call them the filmers are here, mommy. Or grandma. The filmers are here, lovey. No, they don't have to come. Really? They don't have to. No. But they probably would.

I want to get your stand-up on camera. Oh, okay. We need to have you as part of the... Yes. The Kardashian show. You'll love my show. I'm excited about it. The kids...

Yeah, I think all the kids will like it. They're all sophisticated at this point. Well, no, my grown kids, not the little kids, not my grandchildren. Not the grandchildren. I'm not suggesting we take grandchildren. You mean like four-year-olds? Yeah. Sweetheart, I don't like children. We've covered that. We've covered this. I do not like children. Sorry, my mistake. My bad. If this morning show is going to work. Nope, nope. No kids allowed. I swear to God.

I can't believe you have not been offered the kind of thing that, like, who does this now? Kelly Clarkson, right? Right. Drew Barrymore? Right. Who else is in the game in that? Ellen is gone, right? Jordan. Who just got a talk show? Jennifer Hudson? Jennifer Hudson. Jennifer Hudson. Okay. I haven't seen her show yet, but I heard it's really good.

Okay, well, I... And then Ryan and Kelly, and there's many... Okay, that's morning, right? That's morning. Oh, right, you don't get up before... No, no, no, I don't get up. I've never seen these other shows either. You think I watch afternoon women TV? Do you know that Joy Behar is 80? She is not. I think she is. Stop. Well, she, yes. Is she? Yes, or very close to it. She looks great. Incredible. And not just, and not just looks great, but like...

Pulls off. Oh, she's as smart as a whip. She's always. Well, here's the trick, I think, that I use. She's not 80. Yes. Somebody look up Joy Behar. I love the way the queen just always turns to like. I'm turning to the wall. There's nobody in the room. It'll just happen. Tell Francesca to find out the.

metric weight ton of granite. Okay. But... What was I screaming about a minute ago? About how Joy Behar's lady...

When you're over 65, as we are, but Joy proves it can certainly happen up until 80. Right. No one is fooled that you're the youngest person on TV. You just want to come across in both how you look and also how you act so that it's not on their minds that they're watching an older person. They're just watching a person. Right. That's as good as you can do. Well, age is just a number. Well, okay, it's a number that can really fuck you up and make you look bad. I mean, ask Joe Biden. Good night, everybody. Oh, my God.

Well, really, I mean, Biden's actually doing a great job, but he's constantly getting shit upon because he does little things like fall off his bike or call out the wrong name or, you know, he does a little few senior months. I don't even say my own kids' names right. Yeah.

It all starts with a K. So I'm there, right there with you, Joe. Yeah. I don't know anybody's name. I'm always falling off my bike. No. No. You know what I'm saying? You just like, I feel like when people watch me, no, I don't think they think,

oh, this is the youngest guy. But they're not like, oh, I can't watch him anymore. No, I don't think that. I don't think about you and then a name or an age pops up on top of your head. Exactly, that's what I'm saying. You know, in bright lights. And Joy Behar is pulling that off at 80. I don't think she's 80. Okay, but we will find out. I'm sure people are busy at it now. Can somebody figure it out?

Somebody figure out how old Joy Mayhart is. No one can ever come in this room. Oh, sorry. It's just us. Oh, it's just... I know. We are on lockdown. You're on lockdown. Yeah. I mean, I see that you're jonesing, but I'm serious. Yeah.

Who's your boyfriend who... Corey? No, no. My boyfriend, Corey? What other boyfriend? I use the word boyfriend more loosely than most people. My mother used to say that. I got it from her. Oh, God bless her. Oh, your boyfriend. The guy, I'm forgetting the name. He's very famous. He was American Idol host. Ryan Seacrest. Yeah.

My boyfriend, Ryan. Yes. He's my business partner. I know. Yeah. He's adorable. Ryan Seacrest. Yeah. I talk to him many times. He's a lovely guy. He's so great. Ryan's the best. Oh, really? Yeah. He really is a great guy. He was the original producer of this. Yeah. He's one of the executive producers, and he still is. Okay. But he also, he's got such great, he's so interesting, Ryan. He likes to travel, and he loves wine and food, and

He loves design, and we have a lot in common with that because I love home design and all that. Okay, well, sit him down and say, Ryan. Let's do a show. I mean, well, haven't you made him like a trillion dollars? I don't think I have, but, you know. Well, didn't he make a fortune off Kardashian's show? I don't know what his deal is. You don't know what his deal is? No. Wasn't he the producer or something? Yeah, he's an executive producer. How could you not know what his deal is? Well, you know.

I'm not sitting there counting somebody's money. But it's a pie that got split up. Subtract the part of the pie you didn't get. Don't you have foot? Well, there's a whole bunch of people involved. Didn't he do very well with that pie? I think he did. I think he did. All right. We're not mad. We're not mad at him. I mean, again, keep coming back to the age thing. But, you know, some of you, we actually have an advantage here.

Because you become more comfortable in your own skin. Yeah, I agree. And you have less to prove. So you have that weight off your shoulder. Right. Like if it all ended tomorrow, I'd be like, well, I'm 66 and I didn't. I had a show on for 29 years. I think I can like take a breath. I don't want to do that. I want to keep going and I'm going to keep going. But it's like that weight is off my shoulders. One of my biggest anxieties when I was young was will I be a failure?

You know, in my life. Sure. Do you get nervous before you go out to do a stand-up show? No, not now because I'm not a failure. But no, just in general. Oh, no. You're going to walk out and do your set and you don't even get one butterfly? Not really. Really? I've been doing it 40 years. I know, but I've been doing this a long time, but I would get a butterfly every time I get in-person stuff.

You know what makes it better? I mean, it's so funny, the arc of where you go. At the beginning of a stand-up career, you're like, the worst minute, or at least for me, everybody, but I just made it worse.

The worst minute of the show is the first minute because you are walking out in front of people who have no idea who you are. You're just generic stand-up comic trying to be a real comic. And make them laugh. Of course. So you have to completely educate them to who you are. It always rubbed me the wrong way to have to do that. So I was not helping matters when I started. Luckily, I was able to.

transcend that issue and go where I got. But now, it's the complete opposite. When I walk out, it's only people in a theater who have bought tickets, which cost some money, and you've got to get a babysitter, people fly in from different cities to see you. And you're with two or three, four thousand people who think like you do, they like me. So when I walk out, it's a very long

enthusiastic ovation. After that... Oh, wow. You get a standing ovation? No, at the end, yes. Oh, wow. That's amazing. Yeah, I've gotten it at the beginning. That's cool. Yeah, so what I'm saying is...

You're not, you don't feel like you're on trial at all. At the beginning of my career, everything, I was on trial every minute. And now it's like, I'm not on trial. We're just friends talking. You can just do your thing. And I know what I, you know, I know my, you know. I work a lot on stand-up. It's fun. It's like my, you know, hobby is,

that I love, you know, like some people build a ship inside of a bottle and people do all sorts of stupid shit, salsa dancing. What's your hobby?

My hobby? Yeah, what are your hobbies? What are my hobbies? Well, you know what I love? Come on, answer it. I love... What are your hobbies? What are your hobbies? I swear to God, these tough questions. I love interior design, and I love making my garden. Chloe and I live next door to each other, so we love to be outside and love that whole thing.

Like every time something, you know, we create things, we're going to build a vegetable garden this year. I got one right outside here. Oh, I love that. Absolutely. Kylie has one and I'm so jealous. So Chloe and I, that's our next project. And that makes me really happy and it's really relaxing. I love to cook and I don't cook as much as I used to, but that's really rewarding for me. I love learning new stuff and I actually love cooking.

traveling when we're out and about. But I love the whole interior design. I'm really infatuated with it. So everything I follow or do on social media has something to do with interior design or fashion or food.

And so that's what I'm more interested in. And that's what I get a kick out of social media because it's just endless. And you learn so many things. And so I share a lot of information with my kids. I can't go with the food. No? An interest in- You who sold cookware? What is happening? You just got turned off by the sale of pots and pans? I'm not a foodie. I like food. Everybody likes food, but like-

When food becomes like a hobby or like it interferes with, again, I just have to watch my health so carefully. Of course. Do you sit at home sometimes and just go, I need to go to such and such restaurant for dinner tonight because I'm craving it? Oh, fuck no. Really? I don't care. No. You don't have a favorite restaurant? I do, but because of the atmosphere. Like what? What's your favorite restaurant? Well, I love the Polo Lounge.

I love the Tower. Okay. I love the Tower Bar. Oh, you do? Yes. They used to have... See, when you say Tower Bar, I think bacon wrap dates. That's what I think. You're probably thinking of cute girls at the bar. No, no. And I'm thinking of what they serve there for dinner. Oh. No, no. I'm not thinking... Tower Bar is where... The maitre d' used to be Dimitri. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now he's at another private place, which...

I like him so much. You know, I can't, I can't. Is he the same guy that said? No, no, no. That's a different, no, no. He would never say something like that. No. He was, he's the sweetest, nicest guy. Aw. Um,

But you like to go to the Tower Bar. The Tower Bar is now run by Gabby. She's fantastic. And it's just a sophisticated place. That's why I always loved it. Doesn't it remind you of, like, the 50s? Exactly. Yeah. I mean, they used to have the Vanity Fair Oscar party there. Oh, they did? Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, before it got way big. So...

Yeah, but it's not the food. And rarely does a menu have food I even want to eat. You know, it's too fancy or it's, I don't know, too rich. You know, again, I, like when I go on the road. You just don't care. I bring my own food. Only gone for a day and a half, two cities. I can bring enough food so I don't have to eat like fucking, you know, when I was young on the road, I would have fucking rotisserie.

Room service hamburgers at 3 a.m. Oh, God. And I just, you know, you can't do that. You just have to throttle back. Right. Anyway. Well, that's why you look good and you're going to feel good. And, you know, you have to, if you. So we're going to Vegas. Okay.

You're going to do a show. All right, sure. An afternoon. I like your goals for me. Thank you. And by the way, if this doesn't work out, then I'll be calling you so we can go do our talk show. Well, here's my idea. Okay. We do a morning talk show. What's the pitch? But we do it really early in the morning. At like 4 a.m.? Like before I go to bed. All right, I know you're busy. You're so funny.

I am pretty funny, aren't I? You are funny. I think you could take this on the road. I truly do. Love, Randall.