Kevin Nealon | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Don't stand because you're so tall. Have you lost any of that height, Kevin? It's been embarrassing people like me for years. You know, Bill, I got a height range of 5'8 to 6'4. It depends on who I'm with. Right now I'm 5'10 and that's for you. Can you imagine? So I...

I was saying to someone today, like, "Anything coming up?" And I said, "I am so excited. Kevin Nealon's coming over today." And I just thought, it's so kind of sad that, you know, we've known each other for so long, and it takes a work thing

to get us to sit down and do what we really should have done, which is drink and then fuck each other. Again? No, you know what I'm saying? We so often see the people we really like only when we're working with them. Why is that? Well, somebody asked me today, they said, you guys are friends, right? I said, yeah.

But we just don't seem to hang out. I've known Bill for about 40 years. Right. And I remember I used to see at the improv, there was fandom in the beginning. And I knew, you know how you go to those clubs a lot, you know everybody's move.

with their act, you know their act inside out. And I would watch you and I think, okay, here's a guy who's been influenced by Johnny Carson. I could see the moves still to this day. - Absolutely, yeah. In a monologue, definitely. - Yeah, the monologue. Not in your private life. - No, and not in my standup. But in a monologue standup, yes. And like, I don't even wanna not be that.

That's what I grew up emulating. And by the way, he got it from Jack Benny. Did he really? Yeah. Johnny Carson would always say a lot of his moves. And you can see it in Jack Benny, too. So you're basically doing Jack Benny, then? Kind of. And I'm sure he's doing somebody. Or maybe not. Maybe he was the original. I don't know. But it's worked for 30 years. How could I keep doing it?

But that is true. You know these people, and you just don't really hang out with them because everybody's working or whatever. Well, I have to say, this show and sitting with people like you, I am just killing it with guys these days. I have gotten so many new guys. Yeah.

Well, I remember when I was breaking up with my wife. I was getting a divorce. Wait. Not the one I know. No. This was a long time ago. So this is your first wife? Yeah. Yeah. And...

And we were going to the breakup, and I'll always remember this. You said, if you need a place to stay, come over to my house. I said that? Yeah. Can you believe that? That's why we never got to know each other. That's right. Because that was our big shot. But I always remember that. That was really kind of you to say that. And...

And I guess you kind of have experience with guys breaking up. Oh, my God. This, I mean, we're here at Club Random, but... I came here back in the 80s, in the 60s, actually, at the Club Random. It was unbelievable. You wouldn't know what happened down here. Whoa. Yeah, well, Club Random, I hope...

will reinvigorate a little bit of the spirit of the 60s. I love it, man. I love it. Yes, but no, there's a guest house. This is not, of course, people say to me, do you live here? How could I live here? Yeah, I live under this orange light and I sleep on the stripper pole. What are you talking about? Do I live here? No, and unlike where I live, there's a guest house. And that guest house was for many years the divorce house.

Like many friends of mine, when they were going through Alan Thicke, now he didn't live there, but like he could have. Many others did. Like it was a sort of a halfway house before they like landed at the Bel Air Hotel, if they were so lucky or wherever they were going. Somebody's couch, I don't know. But because I was the guy who never got married, I was the guy who, I was like the designated person.

guy for breakups. Did you ever come close to getting married? Sure. Really? Yes, but I never got my toe caught in the trap.

What happened at the last minute? It's like being a fish and it's the bait and you nibble around it and you just don't want to get the hook in your mouth. But sometimes you do. And sometimes people want the hook. How long were you with her? Well, you probably remember, oh, I probably shouldn't say names. Just describe her face. Oh, like... Droopy eyes? Droopy eyes.

I was with someone for five years. It was my longest relationship, from 1988 to 1993. So we knew each other briefly. But see, you were...

Yeah, you were back in California then, or certainly by coast. Oh, yeah, I knew you back in the 1900s, actually. No, this was probably like around 1981, 81 maybe. By the way, you were like a pitcher with like the ultimate slider because you are the, even a show business veteran like me,

you are just a master at hooking you into really thinking you're going to a place of just serious and then just completely, at the last minute, that thing breaks hard to the right. And on a lefty, you cannot get wood on that. I really have a problem with myself for that because I'll be talking serious sometimes and people are like,

No, I know, because your serious thing, as I'm saying, your serious voice is so, you know, you disguise the joke so perfectly. And then, of course, when you don't tell a joke, we're all disappointed. No, but I... I know, I have a problem. I think it's a defense mechanism where I just try, you know, I want people to feel comfortable, you know? Well, you mean to go for the laugh?

No, just to be around me. I mean, I'm not talking that I'm a huge star, which I am. But I think I don't get intimidated that much or nervous. But I met Daryl Hall earlier. Right. He was just on your show. I met him on the way out. And I was a little nervous. Really? Yeah. Because he's a rock star?

No, because he knows John Oates. No, but I grew up listening to Rich Girl. Oh, of course. A million of those songs. That's the only song I know. No, Sarah. Sarah Smile. Oh, Maneater. Maneater, yeah. They killed it. Yeah, they did. They were...

That is really hard to do, to chart, as they say in the business, the record business. Yeah. To chart, like consistently, like one after another. Unbelievable. Even for a decade. That is, you know, very few have done it for more than, everybody gets, who's like on that level gets a decade.

Very the Beatles got a decade the Eagles got a decade, you know Very few people get like more than one decade maybe Elton John You know was well who was telling me that Madonna I was reading that Madonna has had a hit and a lot for every deck every decade Madonna for five still put out

a great dance record. I play Madonna here in Club Random when we're not taping. Madonna is great for that. I'm talking about 21st century Madonna. She put out a couple of great albums. The last one I was less enthusiastic about, but she does not disappoint. She seems like an ice queen as a person, but she does not disappoint as a artist. Would you rather have it the other way around?

What? She doesn't disappoint as a person and a nice queen for music? No, I don't... Why do I care what Madonna's personality is? I mean, she just seems like somebody who... I mean, I can't see her here because this is kind of like a down and dirty place, and I feel like she's a diva. I remember when she was... I could be wrong. When she was on SNL, she

She was doing coffee talk. Madonna did SNL? She was doing a sketch coffee talk with Mike Myers. And there was a scene where they had to kiss. And in her dressing room beforehand, I walked by there and they were kind of talking about the sketch. And I heard her say to him, remember when we kissed, no tongue. No tongue. Well, I can't... That one I can't lay at her doorstep. I think any woman would probably say that, especially to a perv like Mike Myers. Right? Maybe. I mean...

You don't, yes, I mean, a sex scene in a movie, I mean, everyone, oh, it must be so much fun. I've talked to very few people who enjoyed it, except Bruce Willis. It was like when he was on, you know, what was the detective show he did? Moonlighting. Moonlighting. Which was awesome.

That was good. I liked Moonlighting a lot. He was amazing in it. But he said, yeah, it's 8 a.m., I have vodka on my breath, and my tongue is in Cheryl Teague's mouth. But he was not complaining, which is why I love him. What a run he had, huh? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. Yes, Willis. I remember...

him when he used to hang out at the Improv, because, remember? Because he loved comedy, and he came from New York, and he kind of missed the New York vibe. Right. But every time I'm in a hotel, like, and I'm looking at the movie guide to see what movie, because a lot of hotels still have the, you know this, I'm sure, as well as any traveling troubadour comedian, you know, still in theaters movies, and they're very often

Movies you would never see in a theater or really aren't in a theater but they're trying to sell that idea cuz they're new and like out of 50 of them Bruce Willis will be in like nine This guy at some point made this decision I will do anything if it's I can shoot it right three days because he's always like the bad guy or the something guy They put his name in the title, which is a great compliment. You know, just his

head and his name and like oh sure I'll watch that and I'm sure they shot it in three days I guarantee you did not spend more than a week away from home and pocketed a lot of bullion for that and you know remember when they used to have bullion do I remember no like gold bullion was doing his stuff no but

I'll tell you this, on the movie The Fortune in 1980, Marlon Brando did not trust the people making the movie and demanded that he get his salary, which was $3 million, for 10 days. Which, back in 1980, was a lot. But he was coming off The Godfather, and it was like a get to get Brando. It was, you know. So...

You know, he had, so, okay, 10 days of shooting, and he demanded to be paid in gold. Are you kidding me? And every day a Brinks truck would pull up with, I swear to God, I have this in good authority, with $300,000 in gold at the end of each shooting day. Wow.

I get it, Ron. I get it. You do? Yeah. You get that? What are you, a nut? That's a crazy fucking thing to do. What are you, out of your mind? Well, I'm paid in crypto. What do you do with the gold? Take it home and put it in your desk? No, paperweights, doorstoppers. It's just ridiculous. It's one of those stars. They're not just like us.

They're nuts and they do nutty things. Do you know Chuck Berry? He used to demand his money up front. Cash. Chuck Berry. Oh, yes. Of course. Money's got to be up front. He would tour. He would never bring a band. Too expensive. He would use local musicians. He would tell them three chords. He was grumpy and he would just learn my songs before I get there. And truly, they're not that hard songs to learn.

Yet, he influenced so many musicians. Yeah, he did. Whenever a musician would come through SNL, like Aerosmith, I'd go to Joe Perry. And I said, who was your influence? It was always Chuck Berry. Really? Chuck Berry, Chuck Berry, Chuck Berry. Even...

Aerosmith? They don't sound anything like Chuck Berry. Well, that's how they learn. You know, even the Beatles. The Beatles loved Chuck Berry. Yeah. They literally covered some of his songs. Roll Over Beethoven. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a great, amazing John Lennon vocal. A lot of Jerry Lee Lewis in them, too. What? Jerry Lee Lewis? Jerry Lee Lewis. Was who? The Beatles. Do you listen to the Beatles? Yes, of course. They never covered Jerry Lee Lewis.

You didn't hear the songs I heard. What? Tell me the song that Jerry Lee Lewis did. The flip side of I Want to Hold Your Hand. It's not a cover. What's the song? I don't know. No, but I think he influenced them a lot. Influence is different. They never covered him. No, no, no. They didn't cover him. But that's what I mean. But they covered Chuck Berry. Yeah, yeah. And do you know who I love listening to on that Beatles station? It's Peter Asher.

Peter Asher. His sister used to date Paul McCartney. Oh, that's, yes. Oh.

Do you know, I think one of the probably best Beatle biographies, and there's a million of them, is the one really that Paul McCartney wrote himself, even though it's attributed to Barry Miles. But it's like, Barry Miles, I guess who was his friend, I'm not sure who he is, I forgot, but they're close, obviously. And it's really just him quoting Paul, it's almost like Paul McCartney wrote the book, but he didn't want to put it, I don't know. But it's basically Paul McCartney's autobiography. And

Peter Asher, yes, was the brother of Jane Asher. That's right. And this is so interesting. I never knew this until I read the book. Paul McCartney, at the height of their fame in Beatlemania, lived in Jane Asher's attic. That's right. Really. They had this apartment in London. That was his girlfriend. But not really like, they were never like, okay, you have to be loyal. Oh, it was pretty open, huh?

You know, he's cagey about it, but... You've got to imagine it's open for all the Beatles. No one's going to say it's exclusive. You know, it's rock and roll. We're on the road, I guess. Anyway, but plainly she was the girlfriend, and he lived in a garret, like on the top of their spare room, like where the sewing machine was. And for like three years, like 64, 5, 6, that kind of...

And there was an exit he could take that allowed him to miss the traffic of the people on the main street so he wouldn't get mobbed, like he would go back way into an alley or something. But I thought that was amazing that somebody at that pinnacle of their success would... It is. Not only that, but he used to write... He wrote songs for Peter, like he was in the band Peter and Gordon.

He wrote one song, and it's a great song, World Without Love. Yeah. Amazing melody that you could tell is a McCartney-esque melody. And it was a hit for them, but it would have been a hit for anybody. It would have been. And what do you think, Paul Marks, do you think the Beatles go, why are you giving away your songs like that? Like, you know, with Badfinger.

He gave away a couple of songs that really sounded like the Beatles. Absolutely. Well, Badfinger was different because Badfinger was signed to their label. So it helped them. Oh, right. Well, and the other one, it was his girlfriend's brother. So people have reasons for giving away their songs. I agree. I feel like great songs are such a great gem and a rarity that you would hoard them. But look at how many amazing songs they did wind up writing. So I guess they didn't think, oh, this is...

This is not that hard. I can afford to. Do you ever write a joke for somebody and give it to them and go, oh, man, I wish I kept that? No. But I have given away jokes that were not appropriate for me. Like the ones that starred as a black man. Oh, man.

Yeah, sometimes I'll give away a joke and then I'll think, oh man, I should have kept that one. But in the moment, it was like, yeah, you need this. You need this joke, you know? Well, we are. I mean, no matter how good you're doing or how much material you have,

We're always going to be joke hoarders because we remember when we were hungry and we didn't have enough jokes to get through like even 20 minutes. So it's almost like when you're starting out and you're poor and you're eating a lot of the club food, the free food that you get. And so when there's free food, you kind of like eat as much as you can or you try to take it with you. You know, it's like, oh, there's some food and it's good to have that food with

And it's a little like that as you never lose those kind of like insecurities that was ingrained in you when you were starting out. So yes, I write everything that could possibly be of use. And very often I say to myself, you don't have to, you know, you've got enough. This is probably not ever going to make it to the A-list. So what are you writing? I might someday need more and

I remember starting out and I would go to the comedy store and the improv and there'd be comics up there with so many jokes. I had nothing. And I thought, why can't 20 comics give me just one of their jokes? 20 different comics. That way I'd have at least 10 minutes, you know? And I have nothing now. I mean, would it hurt them that much if they gave me one joke? Well, that's what the communists would do, Kevin. I know. I'm a communist. I've always been a communist. Yeah.

No, that's called being generous and helping a young person. Generous if it's voluntary. Communism if it's forced upon you. It wouldn't be forced. I would say, would you guys want to give me one of your jokes? Well, that's fine. If people want to volunteer to give you

something of value that they have that should be their right, but you shouldn't be forced by the king's men in your home, which is sacrosanct, like the king's castle, and forced to do these things, Kevin. I hope you've been getting my newsletter about how you can live a libertarian life. We are brought to you by SignalWire. SignalWire powers the future of cloud communications.

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By the way, speaking of libertarian, do you, I don't even know if you still or ever or whatever. Is that candy? No, go ahead, you do it. You never did a clove cigarette? It was never your thing? No, it was never my thing. Yeah, that's fine.

I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't. Thank you. I still like you. I still like you. I don't judge. I don't judge. I really don't. I mean, I do, but not to. I don't like to be out of control. Really? You know? I love it. Do you? To be out of control. Do you think it kind of numbs, does it numb you? No, it heightens me, fool. It numbs me. Why would I want to be numb?

I want to be numb if I'm in pain. I'm not in pain. I'm like having a great time getting high and talking with a great guy who's hysterically funny, who's making me laugh, who I've wanted to know better for a thousand years. Why would I want to dull that? You know that... In fact, pass that cocaine and ketamine. Can I get one word in for one minute? No, you can't. I want to thank you for every time I came on Real...

Real time. And politically incorrect. You are too much. You were so nice. I was? Because I would go on there. When I turned 60, hello, I'm over here. When I turned 60, I woke up one morning. You can watch the tape to hear what I said. I woke up and I said, you know what? I'm going to do this stuff that scares me.

I'm tired of hiding out and not taking chances. Who said this? You? I said that. To who? I said it now, and I said it before. So you must agree with it. I did. I said to myself, I said...

I'm going to start doing stuff that scares me. And one of them was Real Time with Bill Maher. The other one was Howard Stern. Oh, wow. And I always avoid Stern because I knew he put people on the spot and he makes you kind of bad mouth other people. But for some reason, I started listening to his interviews. He got a lot better at not doing that. But I went on there prepared for anything. And he came out and he was so nice. He was so nice to me. You know, I have a long...

storied history, ups and downs with that man. And I find it so sad these days that I can't see him because of the pandemic. And I know we don't agree on that. Not that that, I think, has made us not like each other, because we didn't have a good relationship for a very long time, very bitter. And then, boy, it all changed. And it just shows there's some great things about age and getting older and wiser and mellower and smarter and better.

And we became such good friends again. It was like a romantic story, like, you know, Bogie. And then they met in Casablanca and it was going to be good again. And then the war came. And in this case, the pandemic came. And I don't think I'll ever see him again because I don't think he'll ever leave the house because he's what? No, you know, he's very, very, um,

Look, I don't want to judge it, but he's scared of germs. Come on. I mean, he said people have different views about that, and they're allowed. I don't agree with some things he said about the pandemic. I think we're very wrong. We shouldn't treat people who don't get vaccinated, stuff like that. You have always been controversial with things. I remember, didn't you say something about recycling that it wasn't good? Yeah.

Did you? No. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Well, I don't know if I did. Let's take a look. No, but I... You did. And I think you say those things just to get ruffle feathers and get a conversation going. I've never ever... You never did that? Never ever once in my life, I mean on television anyway, said anything I don't believe just to be controversial, no. Okay. And I think, you know, when you look at what I've said, it doesn't, it's not crazy.

How do you think we'd do on a road trip together? I think, well, it depends on the conditions of traveling. Traveling is all about how comfortable you can make it. If it was a private plane and we each had our hotel room. Oh no, I said a road trip. A road trip? No, that's out. I mean, I wouldn't go on a road trip alone.

Would I drive or would you drive? Let's say you had to go. But, I mean, the only way this could happen in real life is if it was a movie, because, again, we'd be working, see? To get back to that theme, we'd be working together. Okay, so we're making this movie where... It's a documentary. You've got to drive cross-country. It's a remake of Little False and Big Halsey. Okay, you're obviously Big Halsey. Okay.

And I remember what that movie was about, but it doesn't matter because we're using the title. And we're driving across country on a horse. No, let's make it a car. No, let's make it a rocket ship. Okay. No, a car. All right. First of all, it's Tulane Blacktop with James Taylor and Dennis Wilson. No. First of all, the studio wants one of us to be black. Okay. So right away, you're out. Okay. No. Okay. So say we do this movie. Okay.

We would be essentially together all day. I mean, the only way I would do it is if they gave us a ton of money, which they would not because there's no demand for this movie. Although after this interview, who knows? Who knows what could happen? But if we did, I could enjoy that. I mean, I remember the days...

of acting in the 80s. What was that movie you were in? Was it Car Wash or something? Well, there was Cannibal Women and the Avocado Jungle of Death. I was in DC Cab. DC Cab, that's the one I'm thinking of. Of course. 11 Academy Awards. Went to other films that year. But see, I did one of you. That's a good one. That's a good one. Do you have a dog? Do you have a dog here? Yeah.

I see a lot of dog dishes. Here? Not in Club Ready? Yeah, in the guest room. The guest room? The guest building. The guest building. I thought this was the guest building. No, it's up in the guest house. Oh. Oh, that house. Yes, that one. You've got houses here you don't even know about. Yeah, there's a house up there. You've got to check it out. No, I know about that house. That's not the divorce. That's what happens when you get stoned, man. You don't even know where. Right, no. That house, yes. No, that's not the divorce house. No. No.

No, no, no. That's a different idea. Yes, well, there are dogs. Two dogs. I've always had two dogs. I mean, I know you're an animal lover, right? Yeah, I had a great dog growing up.

I mean, really smart. Your dog's smart? Do you have a book there? I do have a book. My dog did a lot of tricks, but they're all sleight of hand. Why do you have a book? Did you think I was going to bore you? You might start reading. I actually have had earbuds in. Oh, my God. Is that Shandling? That is Shandling. Holy shit. So this is a book called... Oh, that's your book. I exaggerate. It's caricatures. Oh, my God. Let me see that book. It's called I Exaggerate My Brushes with Fame. Oh. And I've just...

Just did a lot of characters of people. You'll recognize some of them in there. And then a little antidote on the opposite page, just talking about my experience with them. Oh, what a great idea for a book. And as a favor to you, I did not put you in there.

I don't deserve to be in here because we've never done this. These are noodle. You have no anecdotes about me. See, now we're creating anecdotes. And that's what it's all about in this business, Kevin, is creating anecdotes. Wow. I know who all these people are. They're really good, too. I would sketch on airplanes on a napkin or a barf bag. Isn't it interesting? A barf bag. Yeah, yeah. Isn't it? Oh, my God. That's a great Robin Williams. You got the hair, too. Yeah. Yeah.

I talk about Robin Williams when I first came out here. Bud Friedman, perfect. Oh, Jesus. Do you have a thing again? Bud Friedman, for those who don't know, is the man who really invented the place where we all...

He started the improv in 1962 as an off-Broadway place in New York for performers to go after the show. They were still keyed up. They were drugged. They wanted to perform. They had more songs in them. They were on it.

the adrenaline of the high from the applause on Broadway. And it would come after the show in the early 60s and do something very hip and improvisational. And there were beatniks in the back of the room. And then comedians came in. And so it became the first comedy club. I walked by there a couple years ago. It's like an Italian restaurant now. Oh, yeah. But the brick wall is still in there. It really is. And that's what came from all the comedy clubs having a brick wall.

You know? Right. The improv. I remember when there were brick wall TV shows. Is that right? Well, the first show I ever did was I came out here to do, I think it was maybe Evening at the Improv. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you do that show? I did, a couple times. Yeah. It was like they just literally put the camera in the comedy club. Who hosted your show? I don't remember that, but I do remember I did the Young Comedian special in 1983, and

Cara Lever was another one of the young comedians and the host was John Candy. No way, really? And I was very nervous to meet him. And he was probably six years older than me.

I was 27. He was 33. I thought he was like, because he was a star and he was, you know. Anyway. Oh, my God. Johnny Carson. Oh, this is. You see the smoke coming out of Johnny's mouth? Yes. It used to come out of his mouth after a break. Of course. You take a couple of butt cigarettes and then you laugh and you get that residual smoke coming out. These are amazing. Wow. And you wrote rude words too. Oh, Andy Kaufman. Andy Kaufman. Wow. Wow.

Yeah. Jim Carrey. So that's coming out October 25th. Oh my gosh. Can I keep this one? I wish I could give that to you, but I only have 2000. No, this is the only one I have. It's an advanced copy. So I kind of use it. I really appreciate it. I see Humphrey Bogart. You don't know Humphrey Bogart. No, but I, I, I met Lauren Bacall. I did a film with her and, um,

You did a film with Lauren Bacall? Yeah, I did. Okay, what? It was called All I Want for Christmas, a Christmas movie. And she told me stories about Humphrey Bogart. Are you fucking with me? I'm not. Look at me. Look at you. That's your whole... So you tell me if this is true or not. But you did a Christmas movie? Yeah. And Lauren Bacall was in it? Lauren Bacall was in there. What was the plot of this movie? Well, let me just tell you what happened. There was kids in there, and they were running around all the time. They were like...

10 years old. They're chasing each other. Actors in the movie? Yeah, chasing each other. And this infuriated Lauren Bacall, Betty Recolar. She'd be standing on the stairs and she looked at me with no patience. So she was, what, 80 at the time? Probably, yeah. Okay. And she finally broke. She said, would somebody please stop these imbeciles from running around? So here's a great story. She got into a fight with Humphrey at home.

Because Humphrey didn't take the dishes. Well, she wasn't alive then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. This is before. Okay. So make that clear. You really shouldn't get stoned when you're doing an interview. You made it. I would hardly call this an interview. No, no. She got into a fight with him when they were married. Okay, but you didn't say that. I mean, people don't remember. You know, let me finish. If there's people who were younger, they don't know that Humphrey Bogart died in 1957. Did he really? Yes. How do you know that?

I just, numbers, like dates, stick in my mind. I don't know. But you could look that up on your magic light box and I swear to God, he died in 1957. So how did you like that story? Yeah.

All right, now go ahead. What happened? I have two stories on Humphrey Bogart. So, okay, so let's set the stage. You're on this movie with Lauren Bacall, who's Bogie's widow. That's correct. They married in 1945. I'm like the asshole at the beginning of the movie thing. Yes, they met on To Have or Have Not, a movie. She was 19. He was 45. It was 1945. Wow.

So everyone thought that that was like outrageous, 45 and 19. Let's just not go there, Kevin. Okay, so, and then, yeah, they had 12 years together, and she once called him the handsomest ugly man in the world. Oh, man. So by the time you worked with her, she's 80, an old bag. She's not 80. I think she was my age now. But she...

You probably have more Humphrey Bogart stories than I have. Apparently. All right. So here's one you don't know. They got into a fight because he did not wash the dishes or something. And he left the house. He slammed the door. And he was gone for two days. And then she's getting worried about him. Finally, she gets a phone call. It's Humphrey. He asks if she could come and pick him up. He's down at the PCH walking from Long Beach.

And she gets in the car, goes to pick him up. She's driving down Pacific Coast Highway. And she sees him on the side of the road walking toward her just holding a single rose. Nice story, right? Wow. What was the rose for? The other one that was really crazy is that she said that when Humphrey got cancer, he would be up in his bedroom and he got really frail.

lost a lot of weight, and they would have people come over for dinner, and he didn't want to miss out. So she would fold him into the dumbwaiter, and they would lower him down. Oh. And he would come out at the bottom to greet the guests. And for Gen Z, Kevin, what is a dumbwaiter?

Have you ever eaten at Cantor's? Yes. They got dumbwaiter over there. A dumbwaiter is like an elevator back in the 40s. They would bring dishes. I don't think you know what it is. You're looking at me like, what's a dumbwaiter? No, I do know what it is. I wish I didn't. I wish I was Gen Z. Yeah, but you're... But yeah, it was like an elevator for...

things instead of a person, that was smaller than an elevator. So that if the maids were up on the second floor and the people in the kitchen needed something from the second floor, they would lower it down through the dumbwaiter. Do you want to tell a Gen Z what a kitchen is? I'd like to tell my wife what a kitchen is. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. See, that's an example of a joke I would give to you because I can't do it because I'm not married. That joke doesn't work for me.

See? But you don't do wife jokes, do you? No, because I'm trying to be original. You should. They're hysterical. You should totally do that. You are missing a big trick. In fact, I think you should become kind of a one-issue comedian. Just my wife, my wife, my wife. No, you have a beautiful, lovely wife. Do you remember any jokes from the comics that influenced you growing up?

Of course. You know who I was a fan of? Stanley Myron Handelman. Yes, I remember Stanley Myron Handelman. He was the best. Those were the days, like early 70s, when there was one new comic a year.

Yeah. A year. Like this year, it's Stanley Myron Heddleman. You know, and then you got every show, Merv Griffin and all the talk shows. You just got Stanley Myron Heddleman. I mean, you've got some of the older crowd that were making the rounds, Charlie Callis, Mr. Don Rickles, you know. But as far as new ones, you got him. Yeah, yeah. You know. Yeah, no, I used to read the jokes in the back of the Parade magazine every Sunday, my favorite jokes.

And then I would memorize them, go to a party and tell them like they were my own jokes. I personalize them. You know, I come up to somebody and say, hey,

Did you guys hear about the guy who robbed a fire truck? He stole a fire truck downtown on Main Street from that fire station down there. I'm like, are you kidding me? No, no. They said, did they get him? I said, yeah, he was arrested by some guy who stole a cop car. It was like from the magazine. Oh, but you just made it conversational. Yeah, I just made it conversational. Right. And one friend of mine goes, you should go into New York and try those comedy clubs. This is still how you get your... That's how I still do it.

And Parade magazine is still a thing? No, no, I saved the copies. I did. Are you still working out? You are too funny. No, seriously. Whenever I think of you, I think, man, he's kept himself in good shape.

Well, it's great to have a bro like you ask a question like that to a bro like me. I'm setting you up, man. I'm setting you up. No, I know you are. Well, you know. Do you have a gym here? Yes. Is it called a random gym? Do you randomly go in there? I mean, it's a gym. Yes, I have a room. It's not big. It has some very basic equipment. Is it SolarFlex? SolarFlex. Oh, wow. I had not thought about SolarFlex in...

In probably 35 years, I had one in my first apartment in West Hollywood. How quickly does that become a clothes rack? Yeah, a solar flex with the rings. Yes. I want to do a segment on my show called Your Product is a Piece of Shit.

where I would just show products that you just made a piece of shit. And it's more prevalent now, I think, than ever. People who just don't care about their work, and they sell you something that just in some fundamental way just doesn't work like...

You know, how hard would it be to have the tea maker thing go down, you know, stay up when it, instead of just sliding down? That's what you were... You said a tea maker thing? Yeah, you know, like, it's like that French press. Yeah, yeah. That's coffee. I had six of them. That's coffee. Five of them, it didn't work. Really? How hard are you pressing? No, it's not pressing. I'm trying to keep it up. Yeah.

I've got to take a break. We'll be back after this. Bill Maher, ladies and gentlemen. Bill Maher. You said that, man. You said that. Be right back. Man, these clove cigarettes, I tell you, I don't know what they're putting in. What do they call them, clove? Oh, I think it's just the cloves they put in there. I think they come from exotic lands. Do you know where they smoke on TV shows? What happened? On weeds. What?

- What do they smoke? - Oh yes, to, you mean to-- - Honey rose herb. It's a honey rose herb. - I've never heard of that. - That's what they smoke on all the TV shows and movies. - Yeah, sure. - Smoking cigarettes. - Right, 'cause you're not allowed to smoke. - But it's got a little bit of a kick to it because they get it from the Honey Rose Cartel in Columbia.

See, this is one of those moments where I think you're fucking right. No, I'm serious. You got some Honey Rose Cartel in Columbia. I know you are, but when you say I'm serious, you're just setting me up for the bigger one. So like Honey Rose Cartel sounds like a giant punchline waiting to kick me in the nuts. No. Have you ever come in contact with mafia? Have I come into contact with the mafia is the question from our listeners. Uh,

I have, let's see, I, well, you know, when I started, there was, the club was Catch a Rising Star that I'm sure you remember. Yeah, yeah. First club I ever went to. Is that right? It is. Because that, my friend goes, you got to go to New York, check out those clubs. So I go in there and it's packed. People smoking. The comics, Richard Belzer, Barry Diamond. Yes, yes. Glenn Super. Oh my God. Mark Schiff. I've heard of that. Yes, I know Mark still. Great guy. Yeah.

Ellison? Well, that was, Catch a Rising Star was my life from like 1979 when I started to like when I moved out here in 83. And my goal was to be the emcee because the emcee was the, you know, you were city hall. So when I got that, it was like, great, you know, and I would bring up Belzer, like you said, all these great people. Yeah. I mean, I'm still friendly with

The guy, the owner, it was Rick Newman's catcher. Rick Newman, great guy. Yeah, great guy. Love him. Remember Barry Diamond? Of course, Barry Diamond. The shoebox. George Wallace. George Wallace, yeah. Everybody worked the club. But we all had our own club. Some was the improv, some was catch, some was the comic strip. Seinfeld and those guys were the comic strip, the Long Island guys, it seemed like.

Eddie Murphy, and then there was the improv acts. But I was a catch act. And the rumor was always that the mob. Yeah, yeah. Right? Well, the Joe Piscopo thing, where they throw him down the stairs. Everyone heard that story, that Joe Piscopo pissed somebody off and they, I don't know, you know, it gets embellished. They punched him. You're saying they threw him down the stairs? Yeah, yeah. I heard they killed him. Yeah.

But only momentarily. And then the person you saw, the bodybuilder after that, was it...

Remember when Joe Piscopo got so into his own body that he forgot he's a comedian? I mean, he's the sweetest guy, but like... Yeah, you're a sweet guy. Big muscles are not something people care about in a comedian. In fact, they may be counterproductive. I know, I know. It's distracting. When I was at SNL...

There was a guy that used to come up with his kid. His kid had...

cancer or something. So they would bring him up. They'd let him come in and he'd come to the show and he was so thankful, the guy. And then the kid got better. He went off to college or whatever and the guy kept coming back. And he was like a superintendent of a building. And I think he might have been in the mob. He would call me sometimes, he'd go, Kevin, if you ever need anything, I don't mean anything, you come to me. I need material. That's what I need. Can you write a sketch?

Well. So I got a feeling that he might have been connected. I also, I mean, as long as we're going down this road, now you're making me rummage in my mind about the mom. But when I was a pot dealer in New York, this is not the college. You're on the streets of New York selling pot. I was not on the streets. It was all only in the clubs. Okay. I mean, the comics, the band.

Belzer still owes me $1,200 for pot. And that's when an ounce was $50. But he was the big act, the emcee. It was better than blowing him. No, I'm kidding. I love Richard Belzer, and he was not asking me to blow him. But... Oh, shit. What were we talking about? It was very important to me. It was very important to me. You were talking about selling pot in the clubs. Cat.

Two other comedians. Yeah. And you were not on a street dealer. And you like to catch a ride in your style. Oh, no, the Mafia. The Mafia, yeah. Look at that. I'm stoned and I remembered and you didn't. That was my way to get there. Mr. Big Shot. That's what you get for being tall and having the blood flow to your brain. I just made that up, but okay.

The Mafia, when I was then in the, so okay, so when I was at Cornell, that was one dealer. Is that another club? Because when you're a pot dealer. Is that a comedy club, Cornell? No, no. No. That's where I learned to be a pot dealer. No.

No. So there I had, we had, of course, when you're a dealer, especially we were always the low, me and my partner, we were the, had the, we're the lowest end. We're selling individual ounces. So we need a guy we're getting it from and then he gets it from a guy above him, obviously. So my dealer there,

He was not the dealer I had when I then moved to New York to start comedy. That was a different guy. And that guy, I think his brother was in the mob because he was very Italian and the pot was very cheap. I feel like...

I feel like, how can you be selling pot for this price? I think because my brother gets it by the ton. And then this is like a little sign. I don't know if that's true. And I'm glad I left out the names. But I think, I remember once, I would go over his house. This was, oh, this is wonderful. He lived in Connecticut. I'll leave it at an undisclosed location. I used to

Leave my shitbox apartment on 8th Avenue over the bus stop with my briefcase that my mother gave me for Christmas that looked like a lawyer's briefcase that I was using to then go transport pot. I would walk down to Penn Station, get the train up to this town in Connecticut, walk, because I was like,

Abe Lincoln learning, borrowing marijuana. I love that story. It's a great story. I'm going to finish. I would walk to this pot dealer's house.

And this is, I think his brother was in the mom and I would buy the pot. And he always said, it was like back in the days when you had to like socialize with the dealer, right? You had to kind of be nice to the dealer. I just wanted to get the pot and go. Yeah. And I remember his wife would come in one time. She accused him. He was supposed to have quit pot. And she said,

I know you've been smoking. No, I'm just selling it. He says this in front of me. And she says, no, I think you've been smoking. I haven't. And she went, I see some pot on your tooth. But yeah, those are my brushes with the mob. I mean, you know, I don't know why they would. You went to Vietnam, didn't you? I did not go to Vietnam. I was lucky. I, uh,

came of age to be drafted exactly as the war ended. Me too. Is that right? Yeah. What year did you graduate high school? 71. I'm 92. I remember going up in college looking at the draft numbers on the wall. Everybody was like crowded around it to see. And I still remember my number, 61.

But the war was winding down, so they never got to that. Right. See, I graduated in 74. You actually could have gone. Yeah. Well, no, because I think they stopped sending people, new people. They put our draft number up there. I think a few people went. But it was more like everybody else was coming back, and they would say, where are you guys going? Oh, we're going back. All right. And then they'd go back. Man.

What would we have been like if we were a little older and had been in a place like that? Because there was a comedian who was, remember Blake Clark? Yeah. He told me some, I thought some of the realest shit about Vietnam, you know, not on stage, but. Right, the helicopter crashing. The helicopter. Yeah, crashed on top of a hill and all the Vietnamese were coming up to get them. He didn't tell you that story? No. Oh, his helicopter? He was in a helicopter. He was in a helicopter. And how did he get out of that?

Well, I don't know. I guess they had backups coming in or whatever, but he got out of it. But he's got a lot of shrapnel in him. Oh, is that right? Yeah. No, I mean, he told me things that made so much sense that I'd never heard anywhere else. Like he said, a lot of times when there's a firefight, we stay under the wherever you have cover and just do this, you know, raise your arms above your head with the rifle and fire like that because they don't want to expose their head. And I was like,

Yeah, I've always kind of wondered, do guys do that? And he said, you know, we would call in airstrikes on monkeys just because we wanted to make the people, our superior officers, think we were doing something. Wow. You know, like a lot of it was just...

Let's just survive one more day. We know no one's going to win this war. We're not going to... Just try not to get... It's just... Yeah. It's... War is bad, Kevin. I don't care who knows that I think that. But...

A pig chief with a helmet on. I mean, yeah, Belzer used to have the joke. He said, I can't be in the army. I'm a little too funny to fight. And it is kind of true. I think comedians, because they see the absurdity of war. But also you get out of the combat stuff because you are doing, performing for them. You're entertaining. Who is? You're a comedian, like a Robin Williams, you know, in the Good Morning Vietnam. Oh. You know, or...

I know a lot of guys that went to the service, they got drafted, and they didn't have to fight because they were performers. And they would have them entertain the troops. Yeah. I mean, Elvis, of course. Elvis, too. Well, there's two. Elvis Costello is a pretty great Elvis. I know, right. But when he went in the Army, like it was 1958, I think,

And, you know, the movie tries to make it like, oh, Elvis went in the army because otherwise they were going to arrest him for being lewd. They weren't arresting him. Yes, it was 1958 and they were a little, oh my God, he's swiveling his hips and the girls are having a...

But they weren't arresting him. But everybody was, you know, back then, it was only 13 years after World War II. People just went. But he worked while he, I mean, he made movies, GI blues, and it wasn't like he stopped working. Do you know that I lived in Germany for a while? When I was six until I was 10. Really? Yeah.

And I lived in a German neighborhood where all the other Americans lived on a military base. My father worked for a helicopter company, Sikorsky's, and they had a contract with a, he would call it a German outfit. You know, back then they'd call companies outfits. Sure. And when he said German outfit, I thought he worked for Lederhosen, you know? But so anyway, we go there and we're living in a German neighborhood. So all my friends were German and I learned how to speak German pretty fluently. And I remember, and this was like 15 years after the war.

I remember going to one of my German friends' house, and in the middle of the living room, they had a glass case with all the German boats set up. What do you call those? It's on the fake water. Diorama? Yeah, diorama, and all the boats. And I still remember to this day, so it must have affected me at that time. And these were like, I mean, are all German soldiers Nazis? No. No.

Well, I mean, the German soldier, look, most, don't get me into pending. Hey, here's what I want to say to you. You know what I don't like about Hitler? I'll tell you what I don't like. Everybody else in the Third Reich used to give the full Nazi salute, right? With the arm fully out. And Hitler would just give you this. Yeah, yeah. Which I always thought was like so privilege-y. You know, like, oh, everybody else, me, just this.

But, no, to be serious. That's how he flags a cab, too, by the way. To be serious about the Nazis and the soldiers. Certainly, the entire German nation...

Was pretty the Trump movie was pretty gung-ho Yeah for Hitler and Nazism and I think that includes the soldiers were they actual party members No, but I mean what historians have always puzzled over Germany so much is that it's such a brilliant nation It's the nation of Beethoven Schiller and Schopenhauer and how could they go so psycho?

Right, which might be a cautionary tale for us and Trump, you know But certainly they went psycho for this guy and that's why they were so scary because there's such a brilliant efficient people that when they turn their Talents shall we say to evil they were brutally efficient at that if Hitler hadn't basically gone nuts

and attacked, you know, started a two-front war and then insisted that the soldiers stay there till they died, do all this crazy shit, they probably would have taken over the world. Yeah. Sounds like Putin. Except Putin's a paper tiger. He can't even take over Ukraine. Really. He's getting his ass kicked in Ukraine. That's like, you know, Buster Douglas.

Remember that fight? Sure, 1979. No. I'm kidding. Later than that. Yeah, it was. It was, Tyson was the name. Do you miss real time? I'm still doing real time. Oh, you are really? Yeah.

This is just what I do. This is the side of the work here. Because this is different than real time. You have to be more political. You're kidding. It's very different. It is very different. First of all. It's so different. I mean, the idea of me getting loaded and saying like, what are we talking about? I mean, they would have a heart attack. HBO would just, they would like call Bellevue. But you spaced out on that show before. Never. Never once. Really? Spaced out.

I'm reading a lot of that now. No. Never daydream? No. Like it was a boring guest? Are you kidding? No, no, no. Look at me.

What were we saying? What were we talking about? So, Kevin, yes. Yeah, go ahead. No, I love it the way my channeling of your thought process for the last half hour, which is ridiculous, but I feel like... We've been here two hours.

No, we haven't. I know exactly how long we've been. You see the clock right there. I could see everything. Even if I didn't have a clock, I could know it. But I'm channeling what you're thinking is like, Bill is so loaded. I was thinking that. That I really have to take over and ask him, which is just like, no. No, I would never think that. Trust me, I would get to a million things. Believe me. Not that I have one. You have more topics to talk about. You have so much knowledge. You read a lot. You smoke a lot. Yeah.

And I know that about you. For years, you were a smoker. You smoked pot. And you love it. I really, I do. Well, you know. Would you say you're stoned more during the day than? I don't get stoned nearly as much as people think. I never in my life have gotten stoned every day of the week. Ever.

I don't think I've ever logged seven days in a row where I was smoking. Okay, because I read about that too. No, I mean, you know, these guys, I had Snoop Dogg on once and I said, Snoop, you know, I think I have the credentials to say this to you. You smoke too much pot. You know, there are people who just light up the second they roll out of bed and they smoke to the end of the day. And it becomes, to me, that's ridiculous because then that would become your normality. I want to smoke to like have a heightened experience.

Although this is kind of convincing me to go the other way. What was the last vacation you took? Well, let me tell you, Murph. What was the first concert you ever went to? The first concert. Let me guess. It's funny. It was on my last vacation. It was on my last vacation. Whoever prepared these questions for your staff did a hell of a job. Yes, it was...

Well, my last concert. What's the Four Seasons? No, I'm going to answer the other one. What was the other one? Where's the last place you went on vacation? Oh, yeah. Well, you know, I do the Hawaii thing. I've invited you on that Hawaii thing. I know. I wish I could go, but I'm going to be in Aspen. Seriously. That sounds like such bullshit. Yeah, I'm going to gig in Aspen. It's so hard to tell when you're- I asked Mark. Every year you're going to gig in Aspen? Why would you want to be in Aspen? Because my kid loves to ski.

And he likes to ski in really nice places. My kid loves to ski. What a dick. No, it's true. He loves to ski. No, you're not the kid. He loves to ski. Really? And he skis ping pong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so that's a big Nealon family thing? We go skiing? It's a Nealon and son thing. Nealon and son thing. You know what it is? How old is he? He's 15. Okay. He wants to ski from the minute the trailers start to the end. I'm more of a half-day skier.

So I stay with him, though, because he's my son. I don't want him to get hurt on the hill. And then it's over. We're heading back to the resort. And I'm thinking, oh, I can't wait to get in bed, take a hot bath. And on the way back on the bus, the shuttle bus, he goes, let's go play in the snow when we get back. Let's have a snowball fight. And I do it because I want him to have memories of me having a heart attack in the snow. Well, yeah.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? I know what you're saying. How old is your kid? My kid. I'm tempted to say, I don't know. I'm sure, like, I never had kids, so I don't really can't come. It's not too late, by the way. It is way too late. I don't think so. I hope so. And it's not going to happen anyway. But, like, I just got to say, like, if my father took me, like, on a great excursion like this, like,

skiing all day and then we got back to where we're going and I said, oh, let's have a snowball fight in the snow now. He would have said, you just had a whole fucking day. Okay? Say thank you. You know, parents these days, they just seem to have to do everything that the, you know, the kid asks. And, you know, like,

You gave him life. He owes you, babe. He owes you. I don't want to change the subject. He owes you. I don't want to change the subject. But I was talking to somebody, what, not three days ago, four days ago. And he randomly said, these kids these days. And he said, you know who started that? Bill Maher. No, I didn't. And I said, I don't think so. I think that was around like during the vaudeville. Of course, I was doing a parody of that. I know. And I told him that. Who's this idiot?

Why are you hanging out with them instead of me? I don't know. You could be here at Club Random.

Have you ever had a party down here? I had parties here for 20 years before. Why wasn't I here? Exactly. See, that's why we're not friends. I know. I hate myself. I don't know. We just never got on each other's thing. What will we do? Now I have too many guy friends. Another 20 years is going to have to go by. Can you ever have too many friends? No. Because you can't give them quality time. No. I have friends I haven't even used yet. I've heard that before. Yeah.

So, yeah. Yeah, I know. No, you can never have too many friends. Yeah, but then you don't get... You don't have good friends, though, because you don't have the quality time with them, and you're juggling friends. Well, you know, there's... Look, I know this sounds bad when you say collect things, but...

You collect, again, one of the nice things I must say about being this age as opposed to younger is you've collected a lot of good things that you wouldn't have when you were younger because you hadn't collected them. And people are one of those things. I have friends from my comedy days. Not a lot, but the ones who stood the test of time. You know, Jimmy Vallely. Yeah, you. And then potential ones. Ones I didn't even use yet. Rick Podell? Yeah, Rick Podell.

And then I have friends who I'm like, when I was acting and a couple, you know, a director friend who was still a friend and stuff. And then from politically incorrect people who organically became friends when they kept coming on the show and stuff and then real time. I mean,

So you have, yeah, it's great to have many friends. Because I remember when I was in college and I had no friends. Really? I remember what it was like to have no friends. Why did you not have friends? Because it was Cornell. Because, you know, you go up there, you're a freshman year, you know, my roommate wasn't interested in friendship really. We were enemies. We just didn't seem to have much in common, didn't talk, weren't there at the same time.

I did have one friend. He lived across the hall, and I'm grateful for that. We kind of ate

Meals together and stuff. I had somebody but really I remember being like Just on the I would dread the weekend because I had nothing to do I the weekdays were okay because I had work to do was college It was a reason I was there weekend. It was like oh fuck I mean Cornell was a brutal place especially for guys in the 70s It was like three or four or five to one men to women

You know, and I didn't know how to talk to women. If there was one who wanted to talk to me, they were probably going out with the upper class. How about now? How about now? Do you find it easy to talk to women? Oh, so easy. Oh, I'm playing with the house money. And, you know, you just become much more understanding of women. It takes a long, long time, you know. I mean, that's one reason I'm kind of glad I...

Didn't get married. I kind of needed the practice. Do you know what one piece of advice for a marriage to work for a guy? I don't really care. Or a relationship. What is it? Or a relationship. What happened? What's the best advice you can give somebody to keep a relationship going

Or a marriage? I can't answer that question because it depends on the individual. I can answer that question for me. Generally, let's say generally. There's no general because some people like waking up next to a person every day. That's what they love. That's what they need. Some people, they hate that. I can't answer that question until you tell me which person I'm talking to. You're talking to me.

I think you're a person who likes to wake up next to someone every day, right? You like that. I do like that. You do like that. But it doesn't matter who it is. I will tell you the answer to that. Having been married twice and having dated before, listening, listening to your partner

Jesus. You understand that? What am I, Dr. Phil now? Jesus, fuck, what show is this? I'm giving advice. Like you're the first one to think of this. He's not going to use the advice. He's not going to use the advice. I'm telling you, listening. Like you're the first one to think of listening? No, I got the answer from somebody. I didn't think of it. Okay. And I thought when he said that, I thought, that makes sense. The fact that you haven't been here or we haven't done this is not all my fault because I'm realizing now.

as this conversation progresses, I am one of your best audiences. You are. You always laugh. Because you always make me laugh. And with a comedian, as we know, that word make is real. You have to make them. They don't volunteer it. Isn't that funny how some people are really good laughers? Some people are really good laughers. I know. They get you. I know. And then there are people who I adore, uh,

But they just don't laugh. Jay Leno just never goes into a laughing fit. And he can make me go into a laughing fit. He's just not who he is. He's generous. He's the most loving, generous guy. And then he tops it. He just wants to get to. Oh, yeah, he does like to top it. Yeah, that's good. And then he'll do it.

Or he'll kind of call you. Yeah, but he'll just, he always, he wants to tell the joke, not enjoy the joke. Whereas I love to enjoy a joke. Man, he used to crush at the improv.

I used to bartend there for two years, so I saw a lot of people come and go. You bartended? Yeah, two years. Oh, my God. I would see everyone come in there. And that used to be a big dance club for a while, like in 1980 and 81. What are we talking about? The improv? The improv. Yeah, I remember. Oh, I used to cut a rug there myself. I did? I would see... I saw...

Timothy Leary come in there once? I saw Bob Fosse come in there. Possibly with me. Probably. You hung out with him? Yes, he did an episode of Hard Knocks, a sitcom I did on Showtime. I seem to remember that. In 1988, when Showtime had a subscription of like 300,000 people. And...

Timothy Leary was a guest star one week and yeah, I remember hanging out with him a little bit. In fact, that chair over there, that's the Timothy Leary chair. Is that right? He burned a hole in it at a party and so he then signed it and I'm keeping it as a... That's crazy, man. I love that. I think that's going to be worth a lot of money. But Jay Leno would come in, he'd kill. Robin Williams would come in, Andy Kaufman. I got to see all of these people perform and it was amazing. It was such a great boot camp for me.

So, Kevin, I see you stifling yawns.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm letting them come out. I'm letting them come out. I've never had a guest. People say that. It doesn't affect how much I love you. People say I'm not tired. It doesn't affect. Look at me. You look more like you're going to fall asleep than me. I certainly don't. Yes, you do. Those of you who are just listening, that is made up, and I think you can tell. But look, it makes me love you no less, but I can't help but notice that

Now, maybe you get up early. Do you get up early? Yeah. Okay, well. I can't sleep lately. I haven't been sleeping. Okay, well. I'm not tired. See, this is why we're not better friends, because you can't be honest with me. Really. I'm being so honest with you right now. Be honest with me. You're tired. I'm going to let you go. No, I'm not tired. Why do you keep yawning? Because I'm not getting enough oxygen to my brain. Well, that's been evident for years. Good night, everybody.

Why do people think that you're bored if you're yawning? Because it's an indication that you're bored. No, it's not. It's never been. Let me show you what a bored person looks like. It's not something, I don't know. Okay, just keep talking. I'll show you what a bored person looks like. Go ahead. No, no, I'm not saying you're bored. I'm saying you're tired. I'm saying you're tired of me, particularly. We're all tired. What? We're all tired. I'm not tired.

Really? No. Why are you wearing your pajamas? I mean, now I'm... No, I'm serious. It's... I'm like... I'm so relaxed. That's what it is. Yeah, that's great. You know what it is, in general, in life. You have to be. Well... No, I don't think I have any kind of emotions or feelings. Oh, yeah. When something happens, I don't really get excited about it. What are you talking about? You never... I'm talking about emotions. Really? Yeah. Are you kidding? Are you never getting excited? No, no, I'm serious. I don't... My wife says this. She goes, you...

You don't show anything. I get overenthusiastic and you just kind of sit there very just even keeled. Just because I don't like, believe us, I don't like, I have low expectations. Does that bother her? Yeah. Yeah, so she like wants you to like show more of yourself. She wants me to be more demonstrative in a vocal way and enthusiastic. So we're looking at how to... That's every chick. That's the one, you asked me what the advice is.

learn to either live with that or don't get involved with that particular quality in women. They always are going to think that you are somehow holding back more of the essence of you that you're not sharing with them. And so, you know, you have to either be like, understand that that's always going to be a monkey on your back or don't get involved because you can never quite give enough. It's funny you should say that on Saturday Night Live, Jan Hooks at Stage Fright.

And I had to go over to her house every Friday night and kind of hold her. Really? Because she was terrified, yeah. And she was this brilliant sketch artist. So brilliant. So, so brave. Oh, yeah.

And so we'd go and do the show, and I was terrified for her. And I was just thinking, oh, is she going to be able to do it? And then she'd go out there and kill it. Right. Same thing every Friday. Every Friday. I'd go over to her place, and I'd hold her in a rocker. And I'd rock her. And she said, Lauren just is not supporting me. He's not encouraging me. I don't know how he feels. Am I doing well? And I said...

She said, I said, I'll say something to him, you know? And it's hard to go in and talk to Lorne about, I wasn't even talking about me. I go in there, I said, Lorne, you know, Jan is like really insecure about how she's doing. Can you just tell her, like, she's doing great. And, you know, she's a wonderful performer. And he said, you know, Kevin, it's never enough. You know, if I told her once, it wouldn't be enough, you know? Yes, yes.

So, well, that's not really a great reason not to do it once in a while. It really isn't. I know it. So I had to do it. But so can I ask you this? Yeah. You're young, virile. You're over there cradling, as you say, this woman.

This never turned into something romantic or sexual. You're cradling. She's at this vulnerable moment. She's in your arms. You're rocking her back. The rocking doesn't turn into... Seriously. How's it going to turn into something when someone's going through an anxiety attack? Oh. Yeah.

I know you like that about women. No, because emotions can change. That's how. Because an anxiety attack can... Eventually. Well, after 20 minutes, people, you think... You think I'm going to wait around for 20 minutes? Anytime people...

are somehow brought together in emotional intimacy. And this is like, that's why in every movie, when do people fuck? After that emotional moment. And then they tear up their clothes in like two seconds. I mean, they get it in the pussy so fast. Like in movies, I used to do a bit about it. It's like rapists cannot get it in that fast.

They just, because they're so hot when they get to it, that they just, and what, it always follows because some emotional crescendo. So you're having this with this woman, I'm just saying. Well, let me back up. I'm just asking if it ever happened. Well, I'm going to tell you the story. Oh, great. I met Jan Hooks at an audition.

at 20th Century Fox. And it was a sketch show thing. And I was just blown away how great she was in the audition. She was like, and I was attracted to her physically. And cute, yes. And cute. Yeah. And we laughed a lot. And we're walking out of it afterwards. And I'm so attracted to her and also her talent. Right. And...

And I think we exchanged numbers. And eventually she just said, we're going to be friends, just friends. And she was always dating like a scruffy writer. But we would go out to happy hours. For six years we'd do that. We'd go out to happy hours. We always had fun, laughed. And I was always thinking, why aren't we going out? Why do you think you blew it with her so bad? Well, let me finish. Let me just get to the part where you're a giant pussy. I'm a giant pussy.

One night, I guess we had a couple of drinks and we went out to, what's that country western club? Yes, the Palomino. Palomino Club. Way out in the valley. It was Leon Russell and Willie Nelson playing. Wow. They just happened to drop in. Wow. And we had a couple of drinks and we started making out at the bar. And you know when a friendship turns into romantic? It's really enticing and very...

And we go back to my house, and all of a sudden we're boyfriend and girlfriend. Really? It was a year before SNL. Ah. So we're together for a year, and then we both get SNL together. Oh. And so we go off to New York, and her mother died right before she got to New York. So she was kind of a mess for that. She was a mess for SNL. And I wish we never became boyfriend and girlfriend, because we had so much fun when we were just friends.

And then that opened up a whole nother, you know, uncomfortable dynamic. It was expectations that might be, you know, I'm probably guessing from this, just sketchiness of your telling of this. Jan Hook's tremendous talent, obviously tremendous insecurity. So that's always going to be when you're in the position of the boyfriend now, right?

You're in the position of having job one in your life to assuage that insecurity. So you are constantly trying to, you know, fill up this pot that has a leak. So, you know, it's never... So that's...

Well, what was the bottom line was, here's a great opportunity for me to fly and to enjoy this job. But a lot of my attention was focused on her instead of my job.

And this great opportunity. That the first year of SNL? Yeah, first year. So the first year. So I was cradling her at home and worried about her. Oh, that's why you were cradling her, because you were her boyfriend. Yeah. Well, you buried the lead, fool. Well, I was getting to the lead. Who puts that at the end? Oh, and we were boyfriends. It's called story building. You know what I mean? No, I told you we started going out. So.

This reminds me of this record by, do you remember Gary Puckett and the Union? Yeah. Okay. They had, young girl, get out of my life. I sang it in my last special. So, but they had this one song. It was not a hit, but it was called Don't Give In to Him. And the whole record goes, don't give in to him while he's such a smunk. And then just in the last group, as it's fading out, you know how they used to fade out the records? Yeah. In the fade out, the very last thing,

Barely hear it don't give in to him cuz I'm the one who loves you more. I'm like Three minutes of the whole fucking song And it's just a very last and I'm the one who loves you more Okay, that does cast a different light on the whole record, but you know what that look at look at the Todd Rundgren song We got to get you a woman

At the end, "We gotta get you a woman." Who sings this? Todd Rundgren. You don't know that song? No, I don't. Oh my God. But I like Todd Rundgren. He's great. I mean, that's one of my favorite songs. Oh. And so he's talking about getting his body a woman. The whole song is about that. And at the end it's, "And when we get you one, they will get me one too." That sounds like they're-- I don't know. They're a couple of guys who need a woman. Yeah.

I don't know. So anyway, that's the story about Jan. Wow. Okay, well. But I loved her. After we broke up, we still remained friends. And you still are? No. No? No. She passed away. She did?

I didn't know that. You didn't? Or I forgot. I'm stoned. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. How could you not know that? You know Jack Kennedy died too. Well, I would not be the first person who has heard a name and did not, you know, there used to be a... I guess I buried the lead again. Exactly. I mean, I remember Abe Vigoda for some reason at one point

had to put out a statement or there was a, I don't know, he took out an ad. Something was like, I'm not dead. People, for some reason, just assumed more than anyone else that poor Abe Bogota was dead. And you don't remember who dies. Do you remember when the guy who plays Lurch, that big guy, he took out an ad in Variety and he said, I'm not dead. Oh, yeah. Yeah, sometimes you have to.

I mean, thank God. Have you ever Googled yourself? And people, is Bill Maher dead? When did Bill Maher die? Really? Yeah. How do you know that? Because I Googled you before I came over. I wanted to find out who you were and what you were about. All right. I'm going to let you get back into the wild. Yeah. I got to back. It's a work night for me. I got to work on my real show. No, no. Are you really? Yeah. Club Red.

I told them when I signed on to do this, I said, I will not take any... Let me get that for you.