Jimmy Kimmel | Club Random w/Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Oh, look how sleek you are. How are you doing? That sounded very gay. And I'm touching you. It's all right. You look like, I don't know, that shirt looks like some sort of, you're either like a mastermind who runs the world, a little Dr. Evil-y.

Or, I don't know, you look good. Can I tell you what I am? What? I am a guy whose wife has grown tired of me asking her what I should wear, and she went and got me like four casual outfits that I can wear to things that have numbers on them like geranimals. Like a child.

That's what I am. I'm a big child. Is this why guys like marriage? Because there's somebody who does shit for you that you don't want to do. Is that the main part of it? No, I don't think it's that. But I do think... I don't know about you. Do you have trouble figuring out what looks right? No. I have a great deal of trouble. In fact, I'm a very...

instinctive and decisive shopper. I will go in. I'm the same way shopping. Yes. If I say either it speaks to me or it doesn't, if I'm wondering, then the answer is no. And if I want it, you know, I want it. I'm good with shopping. I'm not good with putting combinations of things on. How often do you shop?

Not that much. Very rarely. I was at the mall about a month ago, maybe five weeks ago. I don't know. I mean, fucking A. I had not been... Even before the pandemic, I would never really go to a store for you. I'd see pictures of celebrities...

you know, coming out of Vons. I'm like, why the fuck are they doing that? I mean, they must have assistance. You're buying toilet paper at eight in the morning. Are you nuts? I don't go to stores because I don't have to. So but I thought, you know, oh, it's fun. They're open again. And I should see what's out there for my own self. I'm too in my bubble with shopping wise.

I mean, it was quite a mind-blowing experience being in the mall. What did you do? Did you go to Macy's? I went to the Westside, the one in Century City. Yeah, yeah. Part of it is outside. Yeah. Interesting, like the people with masks on were the least likely to be felled by the Andromeda strain. It was all the 22-year-olds with masks on outside. Yeah.

I just fucking made me crazy. Do you ever wear the mask so you can... I will never wear a mask unless you force me to. I wouldn't even do it anymore like just if it was a walk into my studio, okay, we're playing this game. No, you have to yell at me and then I'll do it. I wear the mask sometimes just so I can walk around like Michael Jackson with my face covered.

So you're coming right from your show? I am. Oh, thank you. Oh, no problem. You're such a good guy, Jimmy.

Yeah, sure. I'll have a little of that. This is from Mike Tyson. Is it really? Guests of Club Random with Bill Maher smoke pot given to Bill Maher by other guests of Club Random with Bill Maher. Provided by Mike Tyson. Right. I've smoked with Mike Tyson before. Who hasn't? He doesn't kid around. He really, he loves his... Well, you know what? For you and I, I mean, pot is whatever it is. I think for him, it really...

I got my Eddie Vedder lighter, although these Zippos are terrible. They don't work. But I think for Mike, you know, he really, it makes him a mellow, very different guy. And he's not a guy you want to be un-mellow. I mean, you know, of all the guys, you don't want to be, you know. Yeah, maybe he's medicating himself, but whatever he's doing, it seems to be working. It's totally working. Did you see that fight? On the plane? Where he fought...

Who did he fight? Roy Jones Jr.? I don't know, about six months ago? No. Tyson? He had a pay-per-view fight? Oh, yeah, of course. It was totally fixed. What happened? Well, first of all, he looked really good. I mean, it was surprising how good he looked. Roy didn't look so good. He clearly beat Jones, but they obviously made some kind of a deal beforehand where they would declare it a draw. It was not a draw, but it was a draw at the end.

But these two men in their 50s punching each other? Yeah. And Mike's quite a bit bigger than Roy. I think Mike might be 10 years older, too.

How old are you? I'm 54. Can you imagine a man punching you? I mean, how fucking ridiculous is that? Let me tell you something. Today, I did something in which children threw dodgeballs at me while I was trying to shoot a basketball, and it was an absolute nightmare. I was getting hit with these light rubber balls. I was like, oh my God, this is terrible. So I was on your show, when was it, like a month ago or something? Yeah, like five weeks, I think.

And I think it was, I think I was mentioning that

It was, is it 20 years since we passed that baton? It is almost. It's so funny, that sign behind you. Yeah. I mean. I love seeing that. I love that you keep this stuff because it makes me feel okay about keeping my stuff. I have a big man show sign, you know. Yeah. I mean, how can you throw it out? That's how I feel. My wife would tell you how to throw it out. Yeah. I mean, there'll never be a better title.

I wish I could use the title. - It's a great title. - Yeah, and especially it was in the day 'cause it was new. People weren't saying that. They were saying politically correct. I remember we had a lawsuit about that because somebody else wanted to use that and we said no, we made that. - I never told you this but there was a, when I was a disc jockey here in LA, there was a guy, a producer, who wanted me to host a show called Athletically Incorrect.

Do you ever hear anything about that? No, but there was a time in the mid-90s after we were on for a year or so when there was a slew of copycat shows. I remember being very, very worried about it and talking to my producer, Scott Carter. God bless Scott Carter. All those years, such a great guy. He is a great guy. Super smart guy. Oh, yes, and just a great human. And I was like, they're going to take the show. And he said, you know...

Think about the people who have cycled through here that we tried to teach how to do this kind of show and they couldn't get it. They can't rip it off when they're trying to learn it.

Yeah, when you're telling them how to rip it off. Well, we always were doing something that was different than the other shows. And they couldn't rip it off. When we did the man show, which you were on. Of course, I'm sure. I don't remember it, but... I remember it well. It was some kind of a bit where I married a monkey. Oh, yeah, I do remember that. At the end of the bit, I look across...

We were wearing tuxedos for some reason. I look across the room. Of course, you're a monkey. And you were there with your own monkey. Like it was a thing. But there was a show called The X Show. We made this man show pilot and then it took like a year before it was on the air to

And in the meantime, FX, which was a new network, stole the idea. First, they tried to buy the man show and we sold it to Comedy Central. And then they asked me to host this show that they described to me. I was like, this is just like the show I'm doing, except for where it was five nights a week.

And they bought time in our premiere episode of The Man Show. They bought ads from the local cable operator. And we were just so angry. And we were just like, they were like our arch enemy and it's all we could think of. And it's funny. And I was like, it didn't work. It was terrible.

Who cares? Yeah, who cares? But it was the biggest thing in our office at that time. The brand of show business we're in is the most disposable. Like, movies last forever. You know, people still watch fucking... It happened one night. I mean, it looks like it was made in the Middle Ages, but it was only 1935, and it's on film. And what we do is gone by the next week. It's sour milk. Yeah.

It's so disposable. But for me, I come from radio, which is even lower on that disposable ladder. Yes, it is. As low as it gets. I saw even just the fact that somebody is saving the tape of the show, which, you know, in radio, you want the show, you buy cassettes, you bring them in, and you take the show home. They didn't used to save them. Not at all. Carson used to complain that...

There were not those first few years. There were some were on a kinescope. I never even knew what the fuck that was. They used to talk about it. And it was like, what is a kinescope? I don't know. It was something. I think it was like making a picture of a picture somehow. So they had a few of them like that. But those early Carson years, they don't even have because nobody thought they would reuse those. They would use it for anything. Yeah. It's hysterical. The lack of foresight. It's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Even. Yeah.

How much could a tape have cost back then? But that was the same with our radio show. Also, we had a thing where... Were you a 34 when you started? If you're 54? This show? Your show. 35, yeah. 35. Yeah, I was about...

That exact age when I started Politically Incorrect. It's funny, you look back and I'm sure there are people who like our earlier work better. Yeah, there are. But I look back and I would just fucking cringe. I mean, if you really wanted to torture me, make me watch something. Same here. I mean, I don't even watch it now. But if I did, and occasionally I do to check on something, I'd watch it.

Especially the parts that are written, which I worked on all week. I can watch that and go, oh, okay, I can totally live with that. I didn't stumble over one word. If I stumble over one word, I feel like it's ruined. It's a bummer, right? But to ask me to look at something all those years ago, first of all, I would have zero recollection. It would be a total shock.

And maybe there'd be parts I'd go like, oh, that guy, that was pretty cute of that guy. But there would be definitely parts where I would go, oh, what a fucking douchebag. Oh, yeah. And that would be just exquisite torture.

Yes, it's terrible. I've had that. I think I feel like I've had that my whole life with everything. Like I wanted to be an artist when I was a kid and you draw something, you think it was good and show it to your mom or whatever. Then like two years later, you look at it, you go, oh God, I thought this was good. And then you start to question whether what you're doing at that time is good. Yeah.

I guess eventually you probably reach a point where you've peaked, where maybe you'll enjoy looking back because you were better. I don't think I ever would because I feel like

I mean, what I really want to be is the most sophisticated I can in the best sense of the word, not a pretentious sense. And I just was less sophisticated at that age. I might not have been unsophisticated for my age. Right. But when you look back from 50s and 60s and 20s and 30s, you're not that sophisticated. You think you are. And you're more than you were when you were a teenager, of course.

But you're just not what they, I think, used to call seasoned. Yeah, you don't know things. I heard you on one of the earlier podcasts talking about gazpacho and how when you learned that it was cold soup. And that's my book. I think that's a...

Right. It's a very salient point, you know? Yes, everything you add, the gazpacho, I'm obsessed with this gazpacho. Because it's, you know, it's funny what sticks in your mind. For some reason, I guess because I was so humiliated at that moment when I was making a thing with the waiter about the gazpacho soup being cold, it must have been seared in my mind. And it just, I do want to write that book, Gazpacho Soup is Cold, because...

Every single thing you know in your life, you did learn at a particular instant. You don't record the instant, but you could. Can I tell you what I didn't know when I was in my mid to late 20s? I thought fish was healthy.

And so I would get fish and chips for lunch almost every day. And now you don't because of the mercury and stuff like that? No, it's just it's a big blob of fried dough over a piece of... Well, you don't have to fry fish. Well, no, fish and chips, like the traditional fish and chips. Oh, but you just said fish.

- You think all fish is unhealthy? - No, grilled fish is great. This was like a fried chicken version of fish. And I thought I was eating, I'd have French fries with it and I was like, I'm eating as healthy as could be. I would have a bagel every morning and think like, oh this is good, I'm not putting much butter on it.

We don't know anything. We're not taught the important things. Well, now you're, Jimmy, wading into my deep end of the pool because this is the area that makes me ballistic. We could spend the whole rest of this time talking about this subject, but I feel like

Maybe I have an ally in you. I don't know if I do. You do. Really? Oh, yeah. Okay. But let me just address the general first, which is that somehow at 66, even though I understand that my body is not in the shape it must have been internally and in some ways externally that it was, I'm so much smarter about my health than I was in my 20s and 30s that in some ways I'm actually healthier.

And you can look at even in the numbers. I feel the same way. Which is amazing because to your point, I had so many bad ideas. And of course, when you're talking about bad ideas about health, that's given the fact that we already with our best ideas don't know a lot. So if you have bad ideas based on other bad ideas, that's a lot of bad health. And yes, I was the same way. I thought, we all thought that I can't believe it's not butter. Yeah.

was what you should eat. And now it is illegal. That is trans fats. Trans fats are illegal. And that is what they told us to eat 15 years ago. To be healthy. This is why I am so skeptical about COVID and all the way we handle it. Because the bigger question about health, they just don't know that much and they're wrong a lot. So don't sit there in your fucking white coat and tell me, just do what we say. Because when have we ever been wrong?

A lot. You've been wrong a fucking lot, including about this. I seem to remember six months we were wiping off the packages. Right. Lots of things you're wrong about. The vaccine could prevent you, would prevent you from getting it. No. Or giving it. No. Okay. You weren't trying to be wrong, but don't be arrogant about how much you're right. Because it's not very much.

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Do you feel, though, that now, knowing what you know, do you feel like you're in that place that you were at 10 years ago or 20 years ago where the conventional wisdom is what we accept? We know that grilled fish is good for us. Some are maybe not. Some are worse than others. But maybe we'll find out it wasn't.

I mean, any fish that lives in the ocean is never going to be 100% good for you because the ocean is a fucking cesspool. We've turned it into that. There are many lakes and you can have a nice salmon out of a river. Yeah, I mean, most bodies of water are somewhat polluted. Just because what falls out of the air falls into the bodies of water. Mercury gets into the water no matter where the water is because it falls from the clouds. And fish eat that and we get it in the fish.

Some fish are worse obviously sushi. There are people who eat a lot of sushi and have a mercury poisoning That's how much fucking mercury there is in the fish Jeremy Piven had that thing on Broadway. Allegedly. Yeah, right I think he's wasn't he trying to get out of that play. I Seem to remember that yes, yeah, that's possible. I remember a lot of scoffing That's what I remember from that write a book about it. He blamed it on the fish. I

The Jeremy Piven story. But certainly it is bad for you. Tuna has tons of it. Swordfish, I used to love to eat. I wouldn't eat that now. Any deep sea fish is going to be full of mercury, and mercury is super bad for what's inside you. This is another thing about...

vaccines. You know, I've never been anti-vax, but don't tell me that you know how vaccines will interact with how much mercury I have in my body or how much electromagnetic energy I get exposed to, how many of the 50,000 chemicals that were never around 100 years ago that we ingest now are in the atmosphere. There's a million different variables that can affect my health.

So don't pretend that there are definitive answers about any of this. But don't you, do you regret having the polio vaccine, the rubella vaccine? You know, it's a... Did you get the shingles vaccine? I would have to go through them case by case because to me, vaccines are always a case by case. There are some, yes, that I would endorse and some, I certainly didn't want the COVID one.

You didn't want to get it. No, and I did. Uh-huh. Because I couldn't have led a life without it and still couldn't today. But I'm not going to get any more of it. Oh, I will. I will for sure. Yeah. Well, I mean, we're different on that. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Even the idea that mercury is bad for you, like how do we know that? Mercury is bad for you? We do know that. But how do we know it? Who told us this?

Okay, well peer-reviewed studies told us this right and it's it's almost commonsensical But I mean there look I'm trying to lay out the case that I'm the medical skeptic, right? But if the question is is mercury bad for you, I feel like that's on the side of settled science. I'm good with that one I don't need to look into that one anymore mercury in your system. Not good. Do you feel there is lead?

Which we also have in our body. Well, no, I'm not saying they are good. I'm not even questioning it. I'm just, why do we decide that certain things are... Metals in people's body is something that they don't look into enough and is very often, I've certainly anecdotally heard from people who say, I know one person in particular who was like, she had all these horrible kind of like

You know, those diseases they call fatigue diseases. Epstein-Barr. Yeah, Epstein-Barr, which is a virus many of us have in their bodies. I have it in my body. Lots of, you know, fatigue syndrome, whatever they want to call it. And she said, looked at a million different things, many different doctors, had the mercury drilled out of her teeth, problem went away.

Mercury they used to drill it in I had a drill. Yeah, I had it. Yeah. Yeah. Did you have it drilled out? Yes, right Well, if you're yeah the middle filling so you're not sure about that. Why'd you do that? I was a kid I don't my parents I had no decision really anything they drilled it in and then drilled it out while you were still a kid Yeah, they drill in was a little kid and drilled it out when I was like 13 or something 14 maybe Wow. Yeah, I

They said they had to it was like falling out. Yes. Yeah, and it's bad for you Yeah, I don't know what what their reasoning was their reasoning may have just been it's poison We want to sell you another feeling we don't want poison leaking into your body from your teeth I mean there could have been it too, but I I tend to think that I tend to think that they're just like dentists trying to make another 60 bucks Not in this case

Yeah. Well, no. If you leave here thinking one thing about Club Random, I hope it will be mercury bad. Mercury bad. Don't get mercury in my body if I can help it. I was going to ask you why it was Club Random, but I think I understand. I don't know.

I don't think I need any explanation. It's interesting, you and I, you know, we have so many things in common and so many things un-in-common. Yeah, that's true. Like, you're a guy who loves to be married. Yeah. And I'm a guy who obviously doesn't. Right. Right.

I mean, yeah. And you even, is your wife still the head writer? She's, yeah, the head writer. That's unbelievable. Executive producer of the show. Talk about someone who you can trust, huh? Yeah. Because that's a real trust job.

Totally. And also who knows you. It's like chief of staff of your president. Yeah. Who knows what you would want and not want, even more importantly. So it's not just the shirts that she does. Yeah, it's not just the shirts. It's the show and the shirts. That is a hell of a wife you got there. Yeah. No, she's good.

Sometimes if I think of something funny in the middle of the night, I'll make a lot of noise so that it wakes her up and then I'll act like I did it unintentionally. And then I'll tell her the funny thing that I thought of. And she almost I mean, she courtesy laughs, but I don't think she's. But then she puts it in a bit. Oh, no, it's usually ridiculous. You have some. I must say you do have some classic bits.

The tweets bit. See, that was her idea, my wife's idea. Really? Yeah. That is a, I mean, you know, not every bit is a classic. That's a classic. Yeah. And the other one, the, you know, bleeping...

Yeah, the unnecessary censorship. That's something I started doing on the radio. Is that right? Yeah. Really? Yeah. It goes that far back? Yeah. It was funny to put bleeps where we had to cut the tape. It's a scream. Where they don't belong. Yeah.

Yeah, I always got a kick out of it. Yeah, that's another gold. Those things, those recurring... Oh, what a life raft that is. New rules, obviously, and some of the... You figure that out? I don't know if it's true. I don't know it for a fact. I just know it's true in our 24 things. I love those refillables because we're old school fans of the old...

We grew up on I mean, I know you adore Letterman. Yeah, he's your big hero, right? Yeah Letterman Howard Howard. Yes. Yeah. Oh and he's still your boyfriend. Yeah, I

Now, how did you wind up up Howard's ass, but you couldn't get up Dave's? That's my question for you, Jimmy Kimmel. I'm sure you tried. No, I just, you know, I feel like Howard, no matter what he says, seeks human interaction.

And I don't know that, at least with me, I don't know that Dave would be interested in that. And I would never want to, like, bother him. But Howard and I have a lot in common. We started in, you know, he's still a radio guy. I was a radio guy. I got into it because of him, really.

And my uncle would send me tapes of the show on WNBC, make a cassette tape. He'd send me once every two months, and I would listen to them over and over again. I feasted on them. Right. And, Artuk, this is the difference between your age, which is about a decade before mine, and mine. Because, like, you're Howard Letterman, whereas I'm Carson Letterman.

Jack Benny. Right. No, not Jack Benny. I don't know. I don't know who the other one was. But it was probably somebody on the radio. You know, I did listen to like the disc jockeys on WABC, Dan Ingram in the afternoon, Cousin Brucie. I didn't want to be him. Dan Ingram was very sophisticated, but...

But definitely Johnny Carson. And, you know, we wanted to be that guy. I think that guy to us was, I mean, we were never going to be like the athlete of the school, you know. Right. That's not what we're going to be. We weren't going to be the leading man in the drama club. But we could be that guy.

You know, that was our version of James Bond. Well, I remember when college kids I would talk to started talking about Conan in the same way that I spoke about Letterman. Because it's whatever you're, the first thing, the first one you're exposed to is the one that means the most. Right. Johnny. Right. For you, it was Johnny. And then everybody else after Johnny is like, uh. When there was that Conan Leno thing.

kerfuffle right ugliness not since the war between the states maybe it was the rap feuds between east and west coast i don't remember but not since something was there something that was that contentious i remember at the time this is so funny i it was like 2009 i think yeah it sounds right okay so my girlfriend at the time was 25

And I remember, you know, it was a very important thing in our world. Yeah. And I was explaining to her, I said, well, you know, it's a generational thing. Leno is 59 and Conan's like 46. And she went, yeah, that's the same thing to me. And I actually felt better because I was like, oh, you know what?

That's good, because that means I'm in the same boat with everybody over 40. And that category is... You're out of range. Right. Fuller, but...

I don't know. I mean, were you a team? Were you Team J or Team... Oh, definitely not Team J. No? No. Oh, yeah, you have a feud with him. I was kind of in the middle of that whole thing. You have a feud with Jay Leno? Not anymore. I did, though, one time. About what? He's such a nice guy. I know. You always say that, and I go, hmm.

What am I not seeing? There's this evil Jay that I don't see. Really? I mean, is that really what you think? Tell me what you really think. You think I am blind to a Machiavellian side of Jay Leno? Maybe. I don't... You can say that. I mean, unless you're...

- The joking. - I'm not joking. - He's quite clearly a cunning individual, let's just say. - Because he hid in the closet that time? - Who hides in the closet and listens in? - But on his own-- - Who's ever done that? - Okay, but he did it-- - It's like a soap opera. - Wait a second, he did it on his own behalf. He didn't do it to rat fuck someone else. - He didn't rat fuck Dave.

What do you mean? To rat fuck Dave? Letterman. I mean, how did that rat fuck Letterman? Well, it was part of his campaign. I mean, you know, they go through the whole thing, but basically that was part of him gauging what NBC was planning to do. I don't recall exactly what that conversation was. Do you?

But I think it may have been about... But they were vying for this same... They were vying for this one coveted spot, the host of The Tonight Show. It was the holy grail of comedians that it would be passed on to. So obviously it's the Super Bowl trophy. They both want it. And...

I don't know. I find something wrong about the hatred of the people who, oh, you just went for it and got it and won. And then, by the way, he was like number one. They fired him twice for the sin of being number one in his time slot. I mean, it's not like he... Well, I don't know if that's why they fired him, but yeah. Well, they fired him because they thought, well, we better look out. Why? Because he was such a hard guy to work with?

No, I just think they saw Fallon surging and they saw that as the immediate future. There was a time where the ratings between those shows were getting close, which is very unusual. It speaks to the need in this business. Kids, if you're watching...

And you want to get in the business you need someone talking for you an agent a manager Somebody because Jay Leno had no one speaking for him. He was his own representative Whereas I think it was Ari Emanuel one of the great talkers of all time and great people. I love him I think he was in the ear of the NBC exec saying you need to think about the future and

Yeah, sure, Jay is number one now, but you know what? What about the future? Let's get ahead of this. And so they fired him for being number one twice, and the successors did not do as well. I'm just saying these are the raw facts. I think it's more complicated than that. Tell me the complicated part. Well, there's a couple of things. I mean, first of all,

Conan wanted the 1130 spot, and he went to NBC and said, I want the 1130 spot. If I don't get the 1130 spot, I'm going to become a free agent, and other networks are going to offer me the 1130 spot, which was happening, by the way. Something that was happening. And NBC said, listen, we want to keep Jay on. We want you to be the 1130 host forever.

What we'll do is we'll make a deal in five years. We'll give you the Tonight Show. And Conan now has to make a decision. Should I go to ABC at 1130 or stay here and wait and be a good soldier and take the Tonight Show at the end of it? Yeah, ABC. I know. But at the time, they were talking to him and Fox as well. To replace you with him? Yeah, to push me back or whatever, you know, move the show. I was on at midnight at that time. Hmm.

And Conan had to make a decision, you know, do I go to another network or do I stay here and wait? And he said, okay, I'll stay and wait. And then when he put in his five years, they broke the deal. Oh, so he did stay five years. He did stay five years. And then Jay, who knows a lot about television, a lot about TV ratings, maybe more than anyone I've ever met. I'll bet. Yeah.

was offered the 10 p.m. slot. Now, they don't have to violate Conan's contract. Jay knew that lead-in is hugely important and that NBC had had dramas that were fairly successful in those slots, and they were bringing a pretty big audience to the Tonight Show, but

He knew that doing his show would have maybe half those ratings, turn out to be like a third. And even if that show failed, it would make The Tonight Show's ratings drop. And that's what happened. Conan had a bad lead-in from Jay. But should Jay have not taken the 10 p.m. spot because of that? Why is Jay always looking out for Conan's interests? No, I don't know.

No, I'm not saying he's looking out for Conan. I'm just saying it's somewhat diabolical, don't you think? Diabolical? I mean, I would never do anything like that. Why? So he should not have taken the 10 p.m. slot? He should not have kept working in the job they offered him? He should say, no, because of Conan's career, I'm not going to work at 10 p.m. I don't get that.

Yeah, but I think from the beginning, his plan was to retake The Tonight Show, to see the ratings go down. You just don't like this guy. I don't know what he did to you. Well, yeah.

What did he do? Did he touch you, Jimmy? No, he did do a weird thing to me. Tell me where he touched you. But I don't want to make this all about, because I'm fine with him now. We've spoken. Okay. It's fine. But just, you know, whatever, just the facts. I hate it when two people I love don't like each other, because I feel like I did something. No. It wasn't your fault at all. It wasn't? It's just when ABC was, when NBC was going to,

Turned the show over to Conan. Jay was talking to ABC about coming on at 1130. And Jay needed to get Bob Iger. They needed to get my permission contractually because I was contracted to be on at midnight, not 1230.

So they wanted to get my permission first. And so at that time, Jay called me a lot. And, you know, we spoke about all sorts of things. And I felt like we were having a friendly relationship. And then the day NBC decided, no, we're keeping Jay, never heard from him again. And I didn't even find out from him that he was staying. He wanted me to move. He wanted to be on 1130. And I moved to 1230. And I finally said, OK, yeah, I think I would do that.

I'd be on at 1230 after you, because I was on at midnight at the time. And I felt he'd be a better lead in the night line. You know that. Wait, Jay was going to move to ABC? Yeah. Yeah. There's a lot of stuff. Yeah. Either I forgot that or... No, I don't think most people even know that. Oh, that's interesting. But I know it because I was asked to move to 1230. Yeah. So I don't know. I sometimes feel like maybe...

Well, I got a lot of friends. I don't need to. I don't need to. I understand. You know what I mean? But I hope someday as we all walk down the path of life. Well, this isn't going to make it better.

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The improv I think and he couldn't possibly have been nicer to us I mean he was super nice and chatty and you know, so I you know, I'm not indicating, you know, whatever I just think there's some weird things. Well, he is a weird mix of I think a very moral guy But he's definitely Italian. He has a I mean cunning. Yes. Jay is smart about the business I mean he is ruthlessly smart and

But I just didn't think it was at the detriment of others, except if you're going after the same job, yeah, I don't find it...

Off-putting that he was in the closet. Yeah, from my point of view, I got to know who he was from his appearances on Letterman. And I thought he was cool because Dave put him on and they seemed to be friendly and he would give Dave shit. And he's always so funny. Oh, so funny. Those were great. And then it seemed weird that then after Dave kind of opened that door for him that he'd be squeezing his way through the other one.

Well, Dave opened that door for him. I mean, he was obviously, I remember those appearances too. He was obviously a big talent. You know, Chris Rock for years would always say, oh, thank you. Because back in 1996, we put him, we were doing, it was the 96 election. He was our correspondent because he was at a kind of a down moment in his career. Mm-hmm.

in New Hampshire. It was funny. I can't find hair products up here. You know, it gave him a little boost. People saw him and it, you know, helped the next step. But I always said to him, Chris, I didn't do anything. You're a giant talent. It would have happened anyway. I'm glad that we were able to like work together at a moment that was beneficial for us both, but it would have happened some other way. You're Chris Rock. And I kind of feel this. That's how Chris feels.

Right? It's not about how you feel. It's how Chris feels. And Jay is Chris in this situation. And this Chris is not so grateful. Interesting the way you threw that Trump card down on me. I must say, I'm a little taken aback. But okay, well, someday I'm going to do a Frank Sinatra to your Dean and Jerry. Not that you were ever Dean and Jerry. But it's like, because, you know, there's so many, there's so few people who can understand what,

what you and me and Jay, and there's a little club of people who know what it's like to do a talk show and talk to many, many, many different people over the years. I would be hard-pressed if someone had a list of every guest I've ever had to read them and make me identify exactly who we're talking about because I just, I don't remember everybody, Regis. I mean, Jimmy.

That's funny. Especially because he's dead. He's not even, oh no, is Regis dead? He did, he passed away. That's a relief? I feel bad. I mean, I feel good. I mean, I feel bad. I feel good that he was around for so long and terrible that it had to end so quickly. I had Regis and Joy and Don Rickles and his wife Barbara over my house for dinner one night. I cooked them dinner.

And one of the things I love about like old guys like that is nationality means so much in their characterization of you. Like Regis, ah, look, he's Irish. He's like, he's drunk. He's like, you know, it's like, yeah, with Don, like all he could think about is my mother's Italian is like, he's a kid's Italian. He's Italian. Cause I think he thought I was Jewish at the,

At the outset, I was kind of hoping I was Jewish, but then it became the mob and spaghetti and all meatballs and all that shit. The thing about you is that you're Jewish. You say that? Really? Yeah. Most people think I'm Jewish. Really? My last name rhymes with a Jewish word. No. And also, when I dated Sarah, I feel like a lot of people presumed that I was Jewish. I never presumed. Hmm.

Thank you. No, you just do not. I don't have Judar. It was a joke, of course. You do not set it off. If I had Judar, you would not set it off. Is it the big crucifix on my hairy chest? I feel like it's part and parcel to your amazing success. Really, 20 years is a long time in that piece of real estate.

It's because, like Carson and like your R. Jeremy J. Leno and David Letterman, there's something mid-American about you that appeals.

appeals to the broad, not just the coast, although you obviously do well there too, but like you strike people as American and it's not like there's the Larry Davids and people love those kind of comics. But yes, that's kind of like a Jewish sensibility they see there. I don't see it with you.

Because you're not a Jew. It's not a giant mystery. And for America, that's good because Jews are like 2% of the population. It's very good to be able to do well also in Muncie and lots of other places, you know.

And I know you hate to be compared, but you and Jay, you both have your thumb well on the pulse of middle America. You wouldn't have survived for that long in that spot if you didn't. I like that ice bucket, by the way. It reminds me like my parents had one like that in the 70s, you know? I remember it being... I still have mine right here. I remember being...

attracted to it in some way. Attracted? That sounds sick. You know what I mean? No, I don't. Attracted. You want to fuck my ice bucket? One day I'm going to be a man who has an ice bucket. Oh, that, yes. Well, the people I looked up to, like Manly, who I wanted to be a man, and if I was a man like these men, I'd be with lots of hot chicks, were Johnny Carson and James Bond.

Yeah. They were the right age. And it's interesting, you know, they weren't like young. They weren't old for sure. All the celebrities were older then. 40s. 40s is like the perfect age. Like fully a man, although I was, you know, I just, I don't know. Like I said, looking back, I don't want to do it. But, you know, still like attractive, look good. Dean Martin also, I must say, yeah.

Could tell that my mother was hot for the Martin like watching the 10 o'clock He had Thursday 10 o'clock show. We had comes out with the perfect tan sideburns, you know the Tuxedo and you know, just white teeth and like it's like oh, yeah, I would love to I said well I can't be Dean Martin. I Don't want to be Jerry Lewis It's gotta be something in the middle You know

Who's your all-time favorite baseball player? All-time favorite baseball player. Well, I mean, there will always be someone, I mean, a connection for someone my age who grew up in the New York market with Mickey Mantle. I mean, my father. A Yankee. Yes, my father appeared at the head of my first grade classroom one morning. I was shocked because I'd never seen my father at the school. I didn't know what I thought. Maybe that it was a

emergency or a disaster. I was in trouble. But he was there to take me to my first baseball game. Like it was like... And he didn't tell you? He just showed up? Right, just showed up. Like a fucking Marine back from Afghanistan. Oh, that's great. And, you know, I remember, I do have a clear memory of him talking to the teacher and he must have been saying, hey, I know I shouldn't be doing this. I know the school day's not out, but it's our one chance to go to a game, blah, blah, blah.

And so there off I went. Wow. And, you know, the first, it's almost exactly the way Billy Crystal describes it often. But like in his show, it's a brilliant show, that 700 Sundays. But walking into Yankee Stadium and before it had only been black and white on your television because your black and white TV showed the baseball games. And here it was, you walk out the tunnel and there's that giant expanse of

of verdant I had that same experience because I had a little black and white tv I watched all the Dodgers games growing up and when my parents took us to Dodger Stadium what really impressed what really stood out to me was that the Dodgers numbers were bright red right which I never really noticed you know in the newspaper no and it was just so big you know and and there they were and

So Mickey Mantle, when I was seven, I had a flannel uniform, like a Yankee pinstripe uniform with seven that my mother sewed on the back. And I wouldn't take it off all summer. And she was begging me to because it was hot and it was flannel. But it was Mickey Mantle. So I guess that's back in my memory somewhere. I mean, when I got more thoughtful about sports, I went right to Joe Pepitone.

I don't know. Name some people. I mean, I like a lot of people, but they're basically... Like Tom Seaver, was that one of your... Yeah, Tom Seaver was great. All the gold. Because I know you like the Mets. I just didn't know. I didn't know it was... Yeah. I had a piece of them for a while. It was fun. Yeah, right. And now they're doing great. I told you that story about Las Vegas Golden Knights. Yes. They offered me a piece of their franchise, and I didn't...

because I felt you told me it wasn't a great deal.

when you owned the Mets. It was a great deal. I don't know. You must have been high. You told me. It was, it was, you told me that they never give you any tickets. You don't even have a parking space there. You always have to pay for tickets. That's, I would never have said that because I never, that was not the case. I had my own parking space. I mean, I made a major life decision based on this. I made, I had my, they were always great about that. I had my own parking space and

And yes, you had to like at the World Series. Yeah, there were some things, but you know, I mean, I guess that was in the contract. Anyway, I went to the World Series. I had the greatest seats. The Wilpons were super nice to me. Mm-hmm.

I have no complaints about that. The problem was during the pandemic because we weren't playing baseball games. So they had these things called capital calls when you're an owner and you don't, the team losing a lot of money, you got to pony up. And so it was very scary to be running a baseball enterprise and not playing baseball. And then when we did play, there was no one in the stands to buy hot dogs.

That was a troubling time. I was worried about that way more than getting the fucking Andromeda strain. I was worried about that. That's so crazy. Never think about that. You have a piece of a team that might not be... Oh. You might have to pay up. Absolutely. Yes, and I did. Luckily, Mr. Steve Cohen came along the next year.

And the Mets sold. Yeah. And it actually turned out to be a great thing. But, yeah, there was some fucking nervous moments. Yeah. But now I think I made the right decision. Yes. You know what? But, of course, the Golden Knights went to the Stanley Cup in their first season. Is that right? Yeah. Of their professional team? Yes. It's an NHL team. It's like...

Unheard of I don't know I know so little about hockey and I'm so actively against it that I can't really judge that you know because Hockey, I don't know and I don't even think it should be here. It's not really American. It's boring like soccer It's a sport sort of just more like exercise

So I'm not, so I can't judge that. Have you gone to a game live? No, of course not. It's different. It's more fun in person. It's even more boring. No, it's not. It's not boring. You're right up at the glass if you get good seats. Oh, so what? And just, you know, they're constantly smashing into the wall. It's cold and all covered up. It's horrible. You can really see them fighting. I don't care. Yeah.

And they'll go to a fight if I want to see them fighting. But in general, of all the things that goes up in value, this is why I did this deal back in 2011, sports teams. People in this fucking country, you know better than anybody, love sports. And those investments never go down.

Could they? Yes, in a small market, but not the New York baseball franchise. There's only one National League baseball franchise, and it's not going anywhere. It's like Mark Twain said about real estate. God made the earth, but he ain't making any more. And they ain't making any more National League baseball franchises. So I don't know if that's anything like what this one is in hockey. It doesn't sound like it has quite the tradition.

No, but it's been hugely successful as far as attendance and fan excitement. Going to, it was a really big story. It hadn't happened in any professional sport since the early 60s. But if somebody offers you something in a legacy team, and when I say legacy team, if there's a World Series, as there usually is, without...

The Mets in it, so I don't really care who wins. I always root for the team that's been around longest. I root for the team whose baseball cards I had when I was a kid. If it's the Detroit Tigers against the Marlins, fuck the Marlins. The Brewers in the American League. Not even the Brewers. It was the Milwaukee Braves.

Before they went to Atlanta. Before they went to Atlanta, wow. Right. Yeah. Hank Aaron. Yeah. I also had a card that said Bob Clemente. Really? Bob? Nice. Because you couldn't say Roberto. Because for that era, that was a little too ethnic. Bob Clemente. You have baseball cards? I do. I have some baseball cards. But they're cards I collected when I was a kid. You've got to come over one day.

You gotta come up with a seriously I'll go through my cards you got good ones amazing like that's great like the years like 60 like maybe Three four or five something like that when I was like seven eight nine very complete. Did you? Flip cards when you're a kid. Yeah. Yeah, we put him in the spokes of your bike and

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I valued them too much to do that, but we'd flip them all the time. It was just nonstop gambling with the cards. I got a Mets team card once. Yeah, team card. Oh, the Mets team card was fucking big. Remember the checklist card? Oh, yeah. And the kid, this kid Mark, his parents own the grocery store in Brooklyn, Milk and Stuff, and he was so upset that I got the Mets team card. He made them open all of the cards in the store.

And they didn't get another Mets team card and wound up trading him the Mets team card for all of those cards. Hundreds of cards. It was like a scene out of Willy Wonka. It was like they're opening these packs looking for this Mets team card. Do they still have cards?

Yeah, sure. Yeah, cards are bigger than ever. You know, I not only have baseball cards. Oh, Jimmy, when you come over here, we're going to have such a good day. Not only do I have baseball cards, I have other cards that were Beatle cards. Wow. Batman cards. Two kinds, one drawing, one photograph. Really? Yes, two editions. Martian cards.

There was a movie, Jack Nicholson was in it. It was called...

Something, let's go to Mars or Mars Attacks. I think it was Tim Burton. Tim Burton, right. Mars Attacks. That was from a set of cards that I have still as a kid. Did you collect wacky packages? What's that? You know, wacky packs? No, what's that? Wacky packs. That was a big thing. They'd take a product, like a tube of Crest toothpaste, and they'd change it to Crust, and Crust would be coming out of it. Oh, yes.

You know, like that kind of thing. I think I have those cards. Yeah. I love those Wacky Pack cards. I have Munster cards. Really? Wow. Or maybe it's Addams Family, one of those. Yeah. And you remember buying them when you were a kid? No. Oh. I don't remember. I don't know how I have them.

The baseball cards I know how I have because I did save my nickels and dimes to go buy cards, packages. Remember you get that stale gum? Yeah, oh yeah. And you would open it up and you're like, oh, who did I get? A little bit of gum dust would come out. Yeah, and you'd see. Sometimes you'd get some shitty San Diego Padre. Right. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah. The best ones from the, I don't know if they still did it,

But there was like, okay, each guy, Bob Clemente and, you know, Raleigh Fingers, whoever it is. Then checklist card, worst. Team card, second worst. But best was like when they had two or three stars, sometimes from different teams, standing together with a special card.

Buck Blasters. Right. You know, and it was Clementi and Willie Stargell or something like that. Yeah. You know. Yeah, for like the American League and National League best first baseman. Oh, yes. Like Rod Carew and Steve Gardner. Right. It would be, yeah, like Hank Aaron and Willie Mays together, you know. Right. Yeah. See, for us, the team cards were big, but only teams we liked. We didn't care about the Expos. Racist victim bashers. Yeah.

Did you ever play any of those celebrity softball games where you get to play with those guys? Like Gossage was one, and Winfield, these guys in one of these games. Games? What kind of games? Like a celebrity softball game. They'll do them at the All-Star. Oh, I played in the... A couple of years, I was in something at Dodger Stadium. They sent over a uniform. You got in a Dodger uniform with the stirrups, the whole thing. It was kind of cool. I remember I went with Alan Thicke.

Wow. I loved it. Tony Danza got me out with a little 10 cent curveball grounded to third. I remember Jonathan Silverman

Wow. Like, really hit it a long way. Oh, really? Like, very impressive. Hey, guys, this is Scarlett Burke, star and creator of the original scripted country music series Make It Up As We Go. This groundbreaking podcast tells the story of how the working class do their best to survive and occasionally thrive in the world of writing songs for modern country music. And we are back for season two. I'm just trying.

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history and psychology behind the Michael Peterson case. Stream new episodes of The Staircase on HBO Max and subscribe to The Staircase podcast on all major podcast platforms. You have so many, like, these big celebrity friends. What's that about? Like Jennifer Aniston and, like, you know, Howard Stern. It's funny, I still have... Did you just say some other motherfucker that you're friends with, some other... I still have my best friends from high school. Oh.

I do. Oh, bring out the award for a good guy. It's not just. It's not just. Why am I being defensive about this? But do they party with Jennifer Addison? Yeah. No, you keep them separate. That's actually not true. Really? Yep.

Actually, specifically not true. In fact, my friend Jimmy Gentleman, who was in town. Jimmy Gentleman? Come on. There's nobody named Jimmy Gentleman. Jimmy Gentleman. And there's actually two people named that. Him and his dad's John Gentleman. I think of you as Jimmy Gentleman. It's funny. My Uncle Vinny was like, thought it was a nickname. He's like, yeah, because you're like the jerk and he's like the gentleman. I was like, no, I'm not the jerk. Anyway, Jimmy.

We knew that he's so polite he wouldn't come. Who? If Jimmy Gentleman to Jennifer Aniston's house if he knew that's where he's going. So we lied to him. We told him we're going back to our house and just drove there. And he was a nervous wreck the whole time. Why? Because he felt he was not worthy to set foot in. Yeah. Which is not true. And he loosened up after a while. Right. I hope you slapped the snot out of him. What did he?

He needs to be disabused of that notion. Yeah, well, I think he was disabused. Well, okay. Yeah. If you insist. I'll let you talk to him. I agree with you. I would like to interview Jimmy John. I agree with you completely. And try to convince him. What do you like? Try to convince him that just because...

He is one of your Memphis Mafia. I assume that's why you keep him around, Jimmy. I assume he's like the Memphis Mafia. He is your gopher. No, not at all. He lives in Las Vegas. He's got a wife and children. His kid just went to college. And you make them work for you, too? No, nobody works for me. I know. I'm fucking with you. I'm a comedian. Who are you? You know, I've been smoking this. I see. Jesus Christ.

And what are you drinking, wine? I'm drinking wine, yeah. Jesus, what are you, Orson Welles in 1985? With your beard and your wine? Yes, I am. Do you remember when Orson Welles was on the, shall we say, downslide when he was a fat old legend? A fat old legend. And he'd always be on like Merv Griffin and he just made the rounds and it was like,

You know, of course, he's a legend, but that was the elephant in the room. It was like, okay, you haven't done anything in 30 years, but you're Orson Welles. And he would, I guess, regale them with raconteur-like tales of Hollywood or whatever.

One time, Rita Hayworth was twerking on my balls. Wouldn't you love to have a reel of him on talk shows from the 70s? It would not be hard to find. He's wearing a scarf. Yes, exactly. A scarf, a cigar, always a prop cigar. And a big cloak because he was just big as a house by then. And, of course...

Lana Turner was always twerking on his nuts, which he referred to as the Magnificent Ambersons. Is that true? No. It's one of his movies. What? It's one of his famous movies is the Magnificent Ambersons. It's actually, some people say, his best movie. I watched Citizen Kane recently again. It's like one of those movies that you watch every 10 or 20 years.

because you think, maybe I missed it the first time. Why it was so great. Maybe I missed it the second time. Why it's so great. No, it's not bad, but it's a little like the Mona Lisa. Very overrated. Like it just sort of got to this place in the public consciousness and, you know, no one ever accused them of being geniuses. So like,

They just made it, they just anointed this thing to be like the greatest picture, the greatest movie. And it's neither close to the greatest. It's an interesting movie. I like it, but enough. It's just not what they say it was. However, Gone with the Wind.

As overstuffed as it is, it's still... Casablanca is a good one. Oh, yes, Casablanca. I talked about this, I think, with Quentin Tarantino here. It doesn't make sense because the whole thing hinges on the idea that there are these letters of transit which can get you out of Nazi-occupied Morocco. And if you have the letters of transit, the Nazis will never touch you.

And that is not really how I see the dice. You don't think a letter of transit would... You're right. No, I don't know if that would be true. Letters of transit. So do you have movie nights at your house where you watch, I'm sure, a giant mogul, even though you have your high school friends still like you?

Gets like the big movies that are out so they want you to see it so you'll promote it and I get a link to those I watch them on TV at my house and Watch them from where where are you alone? Where are you when you're watching the living room in the living room? I

I have a 100-inch TV that's about 13 years old and starting to show it. 100 inches? It's a huge TV. I'll take out just enough to beat you. Okay, so you're watching in the living room. I watch it. You watch it with Molly? Yeah, usually. Hopefully. Often not. And then you talk about it after, like your assessment of it, or like this is something... You want to know really how I do it? Honestly. And I wonder if you do this too. I will...

If the producers tell me it's good, I'll watch it. If they don't, I won't because I don't want to have to give any commentary that isn't positive. I think it's better to just be honest and I haven't seen it yet. Exactly the conclusion I came to. Yes. Right.

It doesn't come up as much for me because I'm not on five nights a week like you are, and mine is not a big deal. And you're not plugging their product. Mostly, sometimes. But, you know, I mean, Rod Stewart was on a couple of weeks ago. I like Rod Stewart. I've listened to him forever. He's Rod Stewart. He's great. It's not a problem. He's one of those Dean Martin-type guys, Rod Stewart. Oh. That level. I think he was more, Dean Martin was mostly a myth. He was not really a drunk or a womanizer. Right.

You know, Rod Stewart, really. He was a golfer. He was a golfer, yes. He's a strange guy. You know, he drank himself to death at the old, remember the place that was, Hamburger Hamlet. It was on the corner. Yeah, it's now some other trendy thing, but it was the corner of, right where Sunset goes into Beverly Hills. Sunset kind of branches there, Doheny, a little past Doheny. Okay.

Hamburger Hamlet. And he just sat in the back. He had his booth his last few years and kind of like drank himself to death. I mean, that's what they said, alone at Hamburger Hamlet. Like, why? I know he lost his son early. I mean, it's horrible when any parent to face a child that predeceases you. It's got to be rough. Yeah. But still, you know, come on, Dino. I don't understand why people...

Yeah. But, you know, I never had kids. Yeah. Well, it's some, you know, I think about this sometimes that some of these older guys like Rickles, you know, like they just get such a kick out of the fact that younger guys like us are interested in them and that they're still relevant. Mel Brooks is still around and you can express that to him. I have. And I have too. Yeah. Don't you, I think like,

I think that is one of the things that makes us very lucky because I think that when we're in that position, you know, there'll be a handful of people at least who are wanting to, are interested in our lives and whatever. And a lot of old people don't have that. Right. And I think that's always nice, you know, and I think I could see how important it was to Don and

To some of these guys but every perspective you have must be different than mine because you have four kids Maybe not every but really I mean, I'm sure not every because I think we large I largely agree with your perspective But yeah, but that does it but you mean my daily well you I mean, I don't know anything like climate You know, you're gotta be thinking about I'm only thinking about what the world's gonna be like in

Sadly to the next 20 years, you know to be real but I mean I love that well You've got to be thinking about what the world's gonna be like for the next 80 because the kid is 10 sure and then they're gonna have kids yeah, and Yeah, I do. Sure I do. But you know Norman Lear does too and he's 99 years old. I see really Yeah, it'll be a hundred in July. What does he think about I?

Climate change. Oh, climate change, right. He's, you know, I think that. Right. Well, you have to have that attitude. You can't, once you feel like you're dead already, you're dead already. You have to feel like, yeah, it's all about tomorrow. I never look back. I mean, of course, you think. You don't really. Well, I. Do you waste water? Why? I don't know. Because I'm going to fuck up the future for your kids? Yeah.

No, I'm just asking if you waste water. I try not to. I don't do it on purpose. Right. Well, you didn't do it on purpose. But you won't leave the shower going for 15 minutes. Absolutely not. Right. No, no, no. I don't do anything that would waste water. So I think you have an overall... But even if I did, it wouldn't make any difference. I mean, I'm one of...

Yeah, but it makes a difference when like-minded people start doing those things. And I think also for people who do that stuff, it's good to hear that other people will do it. People are not going... I don't think we are ever going to get people to do enough to affect on an individual basis of voluntarism to affect climate change. I just don't think you will.

People want to live a baller lifestyle. All of them want to take a private jet. The only people who don't take private jets are the people who can't afford a private jet.

They all want to. If they could, they would. If a private jet was cheap, the skies would be filled with private jets, which are the worst thing for the environment. They're not serious about it, and that's okay. And there's countries like China and India where the people have been denied for all these years because of poverty. Refrigeration sometimes even, certainly cars. And now they're getting them, and their view is, oh, we should give it up now.

Now that you already enjoyed it, you rich white people, and now we're getting it. So that's not going to sell. That's not the way we get out of this, if we get out of it, which I don't think we will. Have a good night, Jimmy. Say hi to your kids for me. I'm just being devil's advocate because I don't necessarily disagree with you, but I

I hope that we make the connection with these things to our children. We actually make that connection where we go like, oh, if I waste all this water, my children are not going to have water to drink and their children are not going to have water to drink. Yeah.

I mean, we should care about our actual children. Well... If we don't care about the children of the world, at least our own children we should care about. Okay, but if shoulds and buts were beer and nuts, we'd have a hell of a party. Yeah. We should do a lot of things, and we're just not... Again, it's not my fight, even, because, like...

I think the planet will be somewhat here when it's ready to get rid of me. Well, the planet will be here, yeah. Right. The planet's going to be fine. Yeah. The people on it are fucked. Yes. But I'm saying I think there'll be some way to survive, you know, 100 years from now, 50 years from now. I don't know about that. I don't know. I mean, I always think things that are depicted in movies as the future always come true.

Because they do. And the thing they depict a lot in movies in the future is an apocalyptic wasteland brought about by either nuclear war or environmental devastation.

Your original point I'm interested in is that you say that these movies, the things they put in the movies eventually come true. Right. But, I mean, that's certainly not the case with everything. I mean... Jimmy, remember when we didn't used to have flying cars? Yeah. Okay, the flip phone that Captain Kirk had, we totally have. I mean, how about like...

The Jetsons had those food pills that were like your whole dinner. You know? Some people do eat like a lot of, I mean, Ray Kurzweil has 300 pills a day. Remember Minority Report? Yeah. With Mr. Tom Cruise? Uh-huh. Okay. Probably one of your friends. Emily Blunt and Tom Cruise. Emily Blunt, yes. He was like moving things on a screen with his hands. I remember watching that and going, whoa, wow.

Look at that. It was completely futuristic. And within two years, we were all doing it. And then seven years later or whatever it was, it was every phone. Yeah, but they found out from the company that they were going to be doing it. Well, I'm just saying they imagined it on the screen and then it became a reality. Right. And I worry that that will happen with...

The apocalypse. I mean, there's just a lot of these movies. Do you think Star Trek will happen? Like where we'll have ships and we'll be shooting around all over the place? Not if we do the other one first. We wipe out civilization. Because, I mean, think of all those kind of movies. The, you know, Mad Max.

And the barren wasteland is one where Matthew McConaughey has to go discover another planet because nothing grows anymore. I mean, I could see it. I think we like to see those things in the same way that we find entertainment in seeing murders. We know eventually our lives are going to end. For some reason, a murder mystery is very exciting to us, entertaining.

Yeah, but a murder mystery, yes, can be entertaining because we're not the ones getting murdered. The Terminator where people are just getting blown away. Yeah, but in this scenario, we're all getting murdered. You know, if nothing grows, I mean, that's the premise of that movie where, and I'm a fan of Matthew McConaughey, but like, come on, a scientist? Yeah.

He just doesn't read scientists. Like the scientist is going to figure this shit out. I would not pick that. The world's most handsome scientist. He's a bright guy, but I'm just saying he's not that guy. Okay, but he's got to like find something through the wormhole or something. And it's just a bad plan. But the idea that things don't grow anymore, that could happen. I mean, it certainly has happened in many areas of the earth. What if it happened all over the earth?

You think photosynthesis might come to an end? Well, I think you can burn out... You can make things too hot for anything to grow, yes. But you know, you can... Now, hydroponically, you can grow things with very tiny amounts of water. Yeah, so you're saying we grow all the crops...

In your mom's basement? Yeah, basically. I don't know. Whenever I fly over the country, it looks like a lot of the country is farmland. It would be hard to get that inside. That's what I'm saying. It would be hard to get that inside. They do. You'd be surprised. The whole country between the Hudson River and San Bernardino? No. I think they should turn every cemetery into farmland.

You know, like why not have crops? Well, cemeteries are a waste. That's true. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, people are squeamish about their dead relatives. Yeah. I mean, you got to... I feel like my dead relatives would like a potato or tomato vine on their crypt. It's more natural. You're right. I mean, but that's one thing that's very hard. I would not want to... If I'm going to pick my battles, pick that one, like convincing people...

What to do with their dead relative? I think I feel like they got their feelings about it Right. It's very personal and emotional and not logical and that's okay You know, I gotta give them what a job to pick though If you think about it like what a job were all day every day for weeks and months and years Your job is to console

The relatives of dead people. Oh, you're talking about like a funeral director? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Right. There are jobs. I mean, obviously, proctologist is another one where you have to wonder, like, with all the panoply of professions available, who, I mean, gynecologist, I could see that's like a goof idea you had in high school. I got to look at pussies all day. And then you kind of just kept stayed with it. But the asshole one, I don't I don't see that one.

Think they get paid a little more. Oh, well, maybe they're yet then what then other specialties all other specialties You mean there's a special I think there's I don't know I don't know row in but I do feel like I've looked this up it would I Don't I wouldn't even want to look this up because then what would come to me from people who thought this was my area of interest like

Like if I was like, I can tell you from my father, it's definitely his area of interest. I mean, all we talk about is his bowel movements and his farting. And why? Because he's infirm.

No, not at all. He just is proud of his bowel movements and wants to tell me about them. Like sometimes he'll walk right in the door and immediately start telling me about a shit he took the day before. It happens all the time. He sometimes takes pictures of them and sends them to me. Oh, come on. And I'm saving a file of them for his funeral. I'm going to do a slideshow for the family. Is this because your father has a good sense of humor and this is a joke? Part a little bit. He knows you're laughing at this.

Yeah, but he also loves it. It's like it's like people singing karaoke like, you know, they know they're goofing around whatever but they fucking love being I say my dad loves it sounds like you have a kind of a buddy relationship with your father I do but he also will do this with anyone like never had that with like my sister-in-law He'll tell her about his right like he his shits. He sounds very laid-back your father

not like he is pretty okay my father was much more uptight than that great guy but like that would not have happened between us my dad looks just like wolf blitzer like almost exactly and um is uh he's still your mother my parents are both alive still together still together yeah wow how many years have they been together

They just last weekend celebrated their 56th anniversary. Come fucking on. Yeah. 56 years. Yeah. That's... And are they looking around? Well, my mother is on an app. Wow. I can't even... I just can't imagine. That's... Yeah. They got married. My mom was 20 years old. They got married. Wow. It's crazy. And...

What's their relationship like perfect because it's when they've been through no, it's not perfect, but the kind of it's never big There's never any big anything. It's just the series of little well I feel like when married I feel like marriage is from what of course not speaking from personal knowledge but from what I've seen and my parents I feel like it's good in the beginning and then it's a difficult period

for like 50 years, which, you know, where you're still like sort of, you know, subliminally resentful of someone of the other because someone's not getting enough sex and sex is an issue and it's a hard thing to manage a good sex life after you've been with someone for a while, blah, blah, blah.

And then you get to a point where you're past that. I feel like I remember that in my own parents' marriage. And suddenly it's like you've traveled together. It's like you have this great golden years memory of your wonderful life together and all you built together and all those memories. And you don't have this monkey on your back about, and we should be fucking.

Right. And that becomes like the second great period of a marriage. I think this is the way it is. It's just that little middle 50 years. It's just that 50 years in the middle. Other than that, it works like a charm. Yeah. It's just that. I call it an interregum. But, oh, Jimmy. Yeah. So. All right. I've got to go back to my job. All right.

I really appreciate you putting up with my... That was fun. Was it? It was a lot of fun. I loved it, but I don't know if you're just putting on an act for me. But I hope you loved it because I adore you. You're just such a great guy. Ever since you gave me that box of porn when we changed over jobs, you know.

You could have been a dick about it, and it's just never in your nature. You've done so well partly because when you're on TV that much for that long, the old cliche, you can't hide. You can't hide who you are. And people just like you, and they're right. And they're right. It's true.

You know, I've told you the story of one of the great shows I ever saw. It was you and Seinfeld at Arizona State University when I was in college. And you were great. You were just so great. We were on the same show? I remember jokes from it. We were both doing stand-up on the same show? Yeah, you guys were doing a big college tour. It was you and Jerry and...

I'm forgetting a third guy, but it was just so great. And I remember thinking Bill Maher was the funniest one. No. I did. I'm sure I wasn't the Jerry. You're talking about poppers and goofers and your father. Oh, really? Yeah. I guess this was like late 80s. Yeah. That's exactly right. Before Seinfeld. It's like 1988, 87, 88. Yeah, because obviously he wouldn't have been doing that.

And then I got politically incorrect in 93. So, no, where did it go? It's so funny, you know, like my actual life better now than back then. For sure, in so many ways.

It's just that little, but I'll be dead soon thing. Yeah. Boy, I could sooner. I relate to that with every fiber of my being. I really, it's that little fly in the ointment. If they could just work on that. But every once in a while you have that little, little glimpse, that little flash of like being on a trip to California with your friends and like driving around and walking.

what that felt like and how. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's just got to be, I mean, it doesn't get any better than that. I remember my first time out in California so vividly, you know, the palm trees. I'd never seen that. And just, it's sort of like everything you'd seen on TV because it's all over every TV show. The way the street signs looked. I remember that so much. Like, I had seen it so many times. It was blue everywhere.

La street signs which we don't have back east and I blew the street signs and then you would see it I had a gig once in La Jolla mm-hmm. I was my first year out here and I never found the gig I found La Jolla That's good But I never found the street called La Jolla. Oh

That could be a contender for your book title, the Gazpacho book. I've got to go back to my real job. You know, I really do. I really go right back to working on real time. I am going to, too. All right, now we can do my homework. Now we can hug. Thank you. That was fun. This is what we want when we're kids, a clubhouse. Right. You know, clubhouse, that word I will accept. Not man cave.

Clubhouse. Yeah. Yeah. Very clubby. It's more of a disco when the music is on. Yeah. I mean...