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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. I have such great memories of our time in Hawaii and we're going to do it again. It's awesome. You're the first two-timer on my tour. That's going to be great. Brought back by Populous Demand. What do you drink? I usually drink a little tequila on the ride. Great. I have it right here. Are you going to drink? Of course.
It's only 5 o'clock somewhere. It's actually 5 o'clock here. Because we tape, tape like we're a show, at the traditional talk show hour. I'm sure when you first did your first Tonight Show or whatever, there is something about us who are always working at night. Right. And now we show up and it's California. So it's like blazing hot sun. There's something...
It's off. I'm not funny in daylight. You are. I remember you from Hawaii. You are. Well, of course we were high. Vacation. But it's outside and it's still light when you're performing, you know, in the summer. You're like going at eight o'clock and you're outside and it's like,
Do I have to wear a sunblock to do a set? There's something wrong with it. Yeah, I never understood morning radio people who are like, yeah, I do. Nothing's funny to me early in the morning. I need coffee and some, you know, I need a few hours before. What do you want with the tequila? That's good on the rocks. Just straight? Yeah. Jesus. Fuck, what a man.
Okay. Well, then fill up the glass. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Do you drink liquor? Have you always done that? What are we, in the Old West? You just have a glass of whiskey? Just sip it. I'll sip it. This would take me four days to drink all this. Oh, okay. It looks good, buddy. It's been too long. Yeah. Well, you're always on the road. Yeah. I'm leaving again tomorrow. You're always with your little...
Crew of Chappelle. This week I'm heading to Europe with Chappelle and Chris Rock. Do they speak English? I know. They learned English from watching American comedy. I played Europe in 2015. I did that. Well, you play, you certainly cannot play Paris. I have. Paris? You have to play a smaller venue than you would in the States.
Paris. I did it. That takes balls. I did Paris in January. And not only is there a language barrier, they're wearing masks and they're snobs. So all of that works against you. This is before COVID they were wearing masks. I don't want to say they're snobby, ladies and gentlemen, but
It's like magic. It's like magic. Like, you finish the joke, and then they clap, like you did a trick. They don't really laugh along. Well, you kind of did. Yeah. So how many people were in this venue that you played? In Paris? Yeah. Well, it was Chappelle. So we did, like, five nights in, like, 1,000 seats. Oh, I see. You know, in an English-speaking country, he'll play arenas. Right. But in Paris, he just wanted to go for Fashion Week, so we did it.
Wow. Humble comics, huh? Let's just be in fashion week so we can get some material that everyone in the audience can relate to when we get home. Let's get some new material. I got to think about how the ketchup bottle always sticks and then when you run into the same models every fashion week.
Remember when Eddie Murphy... We had the Olsen twins and Kanye and all the big designers came to the shows. The Olsen twins? They're big in fashion, so... Oh, because I thought, certainly not in comedy. They love comedy because of Bob Saget and all that. I know, but I don't... You said it in the same breath as the comics. I'm like, really? And then there's some special improv to bring up the fucking Olsen twins? They're very good sports. They've been in the comedy store. Well, they better be. Yeah, they're not funny. Okay.
You want some dope? You seem a little low-key. I'll smoke some pot. Or maybe you've had a lot of pot. Not yet, but let's take it into this joint. It's not pot. It's a clove cigarette. That's not pot? Oh, I see. We're in California. We're on the air in lots of states. You're one of the first celebrities to talk about that you smoke pot. I smoked it on the show, real pot, before it was legal, even in California, one night.
And that's when I knew that the jig was kind of up with pretending that we are a country that can live with prohibition. Because people called me. I remember Larry David called me the next day. And people were like, you know, are you sure you're not going to get arrested? It was like 10 years ago or something. And I was like, I doubt it. But, you know, if they do, they'll be embarrassed. Yeah.
Not me. And that's the attitude I've taken ever since then, and I think it's on the money. Do you think one day the gun states will attack the pot states? Because it seems like they're not the same states necessarily. Oh, I don't know about that. Couldn't they just run over the pot states? Well, this is a gun and pot household. Okay. You're not? I don't have any guns. Why?
I guess I would if it was easy. I'm just afraid it'll get turned on me somehow. Oh, well, that's such a bad attitude. Why? Because, you know, you're letting the...
Worst possible event guided by the actions of the least capable people guide what you want to do. It's sort of the same argument they very often use about drugs. We can't have drugs because people will OD. Yes, some people will, but we shouldn't organize life around what the least capable, stupidest people do with something. So, you know, you're not going to shoot a school up.
And, you know, if you're attacked or your house is invaded, wouldn't you rather level the playing field rather than somebody being able to have you at their utter mercy? How hard is it to get a gun in California?
I mean, I don't remember. I've had mine for a while. I mean, I remember it was paperwork and waiting. It was definitely, I don't know if the laws have changed, but I don't think they got any easier. But you can't leave with it. No, I certainly, remember that story that was on Sunset LA Guns? Yeah. Not there anymore, but I think it was popular, and I seem to remember as a popular tattoo. You know, people got LA Guns. It may have something to do with the
naming of Guns N' Roses, I don't know. - There was a band like that. - Yes, and there's a band. - So did you train? - Yeah, I've had training. I actually went out with a guy on the place and go through. It was just like one day, but you can get it in one day. Now, should you brush up? Yes, you should.
Absolutely. I mean, it should be, you know, there's no reason why gun ownership shouldn't be like any other kind of license you would get, like to fly a plane. You just don't walk in and start flying a plane. You have to qualify. I'm okay with that. It does occur to me that I have a German Shepherd I can't control. So that's more of a liability than a gun I can control.
You mean you'd shoot the dog? No, I mean, if I have an intruder, the dog sometimes doesn't know if they're supposed to be there or it's just my buddy coming over without knocking. Well, and what kind of dog is this? Shepherd.
Well, shepherds are smart. If you haven't gotten a shepherd up to that point, that's on the owner. Oh, yeah. Because that's what they do. Your dog is probably looking at you like, I'm a fucking shepherd. Just give me a little direction and I can handle this. But nothing? Well, first of all, they would smell the fear on you. Right. Especially you, without a gun, would be shitting your pants. They'd smell shit. They love shit.
And then they would know. But, you know, it's not hard for human bad guys to disable the dog. I have dogs, too. Well, of course, they're old and they were not going to hurt anybody to begin with, but they can make a racket. That's what I like dogs for. So that if someone breaks in, I know so long before they get to my bedroom.
You know, I have plenty of time to prepare myself. They would have to break down a few different doors, the dogs would be barking, you know, but they can kill a dog pretty easy. - Right. I do feel safer with the dog around, but there are times, you know, 'cause I meet so many weirdos, and when you talk shit for a living like me. - Right.
But I'm not, I don't feel like I want the gun at home. I guess it would be good at home, but I want it when I'm like at a bar at midnight. And I hope I'm not out of line with this, but you're a very attractive man. I would worry about rapists.
who people, men mostly, but anyone who might want to rape you. You never know. I am. Possibly with an object or something, if it's a woman. A gun? I've got to have Jeff Ross. But I want him to know who's boss. So, yeah, get the gun, again. That's my rationale for owning a gun. So you have a pistol?
They are, yes, I do not have an AR-15 or anything like that. Although, I understand why people like that gun. Why? It's a very good gun for, like, shooting someone across the room if they're, you know, coming to your bedroom or something. Right. You know, I'm sure, look, I'm not a, I've said this many times.
I'm a gun owner. I'm not a gun lover. I compare them to antibiotics. Right. I don't ever want to use antibiotics. Right. But I'm glad they exist in the world. Right. It's like that. But I don't, you know, polish my amoxicillin, you know. I don't have amoxicillin. But if I did, I wouldn't polish it, you know. You should call your gun amoxicillin. Yeah, I just have a badass, yeah, right, right on the... Moxie. Moxie.
Yeah.
Yeah, so, you know, I'm not trying to sell you on guns, although I guess it kind of sounds like I am. I get the safety part, and, you know, we both have a lot of property here. Somebody can come over a fence next door and then to your fence or whatever. Let me tell you something. This neighborhood, where it is, will go unannounced, although people can find anybody anywhere, but we might as well not make it easy for them. But it's a nice area, I'll just say that, and there's many home invasions.
have been in recent years in this area. You know, I mean, it's a little Willie Sutton, you know, why'd you rob banks? That's where the money is, you know. Well, there was a terrible, terrible thing that happened not too far from here, not too long ago. Yes, absolutely. Somebody broke in and killed somebody. Yes, absolutely. Well, that happened to be someone with fame, so we heard about it, but it happens to many people. I mean, probably not everybody,
tons but you know it does happen home invasions do happen and when they do you you know who are you dealing with someone who's willing to invade your home is not someone i want to trust you know what i mean i've always dated too many crazy women to have a gun around holy fuck you don't have a gun because you're afraid of the the women you date no seriously that's interesting
Not anymore. Now I'm good. Don't leave it like out on the bureau. Don't leave it where she takes off her makeup before you go. You can lock it away. Are you so intimate that they have to know the whereabouts of you? No, no, no. I guess I was being a little silly. I'll reconsider. It would be nice to have one more layer of security. And I'm up in the...
It's very woodsy where I live, so I wouldn't even hear anyone pull up. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I'm a black belt in karate, so I always felt like I could always defend myself. You have a black belt in karate? I got it when I was 10 and a half, but yes. Do you still practice it?
Yeah. You do? Yeah. You're a black belt in that? You didn't know that? Taekwondo. I'm blown away. When I grew up in Newark, New Jersey, we had no phys ed in my school. It was a poor neighborhood. And my mother dragged me against my will to the House of Empty Hands Karate Dojo on Vauxhall Road in Newark, where Newark police detectives taught me
Taekwondo, karate. I learned nunchucks. I learned self-defense. Learned how to take care of myself and anybody I'm with. You know, now that you're a chromedome with a mustache, you know, and you look like you're in pretty good shape, you know, you could be like that badass. You could have a badass movie franchise where you, like, roast the guy before you kill them. What? I love this. I know. I feel like I just had a flashback to, like,
When I was 19, when you smoked pot, like, this is a great idea. Yeah, right. And then tomorrow we'll look at that and we'll be like, wait a minute. I like it. An action star. Yeah, it could be good. Roasty Harry. Make my day. Get a haircut. Yes, it practically writes itself. I mean, it's only one subway stop past where...
Lots of action stars were always giving the one-liner before the death moment. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger would be hanging a guy over a mountain and then
you know, kill him that way. And then the girl would say, what happened to him? And he'd be like, I let him go. Oh, I get it, because you actually let him go. Or, you know, before he shot him, he'd say something to the guy. Right, it's always a witty line. It's always some, you know... I'm like Vin Diesel if he were neither fast nor furious. I guess you were in too deep. LAUGHTER
I'm going to work on this idea. I like it. I like it, too. People always tell me. Wait a minute. You've got to cut me in. We're in, baby. We're right in Hawaii. Right. I'm serious. I'm seriously stoned. So, again, I always. Are you going to share? Oh, I'm so sorry. I did bring something. That's so rude. I did bring something while we're talking about weed. Maybe this is the time to do it. That's the problem. Before you light it up. No, please. Hold on. What is that?
Oh, you've got some... I brought this because I thought it would be cool. A little box. This was a gift. I don't know if the cameras can see this. The cameras, like, what is this, the Mike Douglas show? My good friend Bob Saget's family gave me this a couple months ago. Oh. This was given to him by Dangerfield. This was Rodney's pot pipe. That went to Bob Saget? That went to Bob. And now it's yours? Yeah. Wow. So I thought...
And if I'm ever feeling blue, I'll put on some Rodney and smoke out of this. That is... Boy. We've lost so many comedians lately. Gilbert. Rob. Ron Zimmerman. Ron Zimmerman. Kevin Rooney. Great guy. Will Smith. I got to tell you something. I had not seen the...
movie that he won the Oscar for, King Richard, at the time of the Oscars. I knew what it was, I just hadn't gotten around to it. Okay, I was interested. So I just watched it. It's so good, and he's so great in it. And Will Smith was always, in my view, a fantastic movie star. One of the best. Movie star, but not somebody who I thought of as a great actor.
Not bad. Right. He got through the material. Right. But, you know, he's not playing parts that are demanding. He's a movie star, which the world needs more than fucking actors, by the way. Right, right. Please, more movie stars, less actors. Right.
But in this movie, what an amazing acting performance where you don't see the acting. That's why it's so great. I mean, he is astounding. Best movie really about race maybe ever, in my view, the way it gets at it. And you watched it after the episode. I haven't even finished it. I'm like in the last 20 minutes. Wow. It's fantastic. And he's amazing. I'm not saying I excuse the slap now, but I totally get...
why he was in such an emotional state playing that character and he look I think award shows are stupid and horrible and you can't say who best actor because there's many people playing different parts that have to each play each other's parts to really judge this it's all it's all opinion anyway right but
But among the things that were the best acting of that year, certainly there's no argument that why not that one? He was magnificent. And so I get why he was, I don't get why he chose to slap somebody
Hold on. He didn't do the role the day of the Oscars. No, but it was... Probably a year before that he shot it. Yeah, it doesn't matter. That was what was suffused into his mind and his emotions that day. You're going to the Oscars. It wasn't that far back in his life that he couldn't remember it. I'm sure it was still very raw. And...
I mean, the tears. I totally get all that. Now, again, I do. As a comedian, I don't give him this much of a... No, I'm not excusing this laugh. I'm just saying I get why he was...
Crazy emotional, and he did, despite his laugh, deserve the Oscar. I'm just saying. And it's a, yeah. So it just put more perspective on that whole thing. If you were in the audience, go ahead. I didn't mean to cut you off. No, at the time I saw it, I only had a less fully dimensional understanding of the situation. And having seen the movie, I get why the guy was, anyway, I said it. But no, it doesn't excuse me.
It's just a crazy way to express yourself. But, you know, as I always say, stars, they're not like us. They just aren't. They just aren't. He crossed a sacred thing when you go onto a stage. The stage is sacred. Yes. Since then, Chappelle got tackled. Yes. Salman Rushdie. Yes. Sweetheart, I'm all over this issue. I think you know that. We're going to have some security in Hawaii.
Well, I know I travel with someone. But yeah, we can. I mean, are you really afraid like that? I'm afraid on stage. Let's travel with guns. Especially going on with you, America's contrarian. No, we don't want to have the guns. I like the podcast because you don't have any audience members to throw out. Exactly. It's just us here, sweetie. No.
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I am so looking forward to this. Now that I'm getting a little taste of Jeff Ross, because we haven't seen you in such a long time. Now I wish that the trip was starting tomorrow. That's going to be something to look forward to. Yeah. You know, we've had so many amazing people, like the year Joe Walsh went and he performed with Eddie Vedder. Didn't you jam with Eddie? That was the greatest New Year's. Right. We did the show in whatever island that was.
And then Woody and his wife. Honolulu. Honolulu. Fucking Honolulu. And Woody said, let's go to Eddie. We're all going to Eddie Vedder's house for a party. Yes, it was planned. But Woody takes me in the back of his little car, just some regular ass Volvo or something. Woody? Harrelson. Was not there.
You're conflating. You're a stoner. Woody's on the other island. He came. He did? He came over. He came to your show and he drove us.
Or he drove me. We all go to... I don't remember that. We go to Eddie's house for the party. Spade, you, me, some other friends. Oh, yeah, David Spade was there. And I have a great picture of the four of us doing like a Four Stooges type thing. Oh, no, we do that every year. It's the greatest. It's the greatest. And... Yes, with the heads of one on top of each other. I had done a guitar bit...
Yeah. I think I borrowed one of Eddie's guitars during for the show. So that night, as we're counting down the new year, he says, "We have a show tomorrow. What guitar are you going to play?" I said, "I guess I can't do that bit. I don't have a guitar with me." He gave me a guitar, which I still have and cherish. I remember that moment. Yeah.
Right. Well, he's the greatest human that Eddie Vedder. So I'm not surprised he is generous like that. Crazy. I mean, he checks in on me all the time. We're in a gift war and I'm always losing. He's a super cool guy.
Don't get in a gift war with him. Yeah, Jimmy Kimmel who gave me this. Right. Now that's gift war to the 10th. Because, fuck, right. How are you going to match that? Something grown in the backyard. Right. No. That's Rodney's fucking pot pipe. This is different. This is the weed. This is from the Saget girls. I didn't know that Bob was that close to Rodney.
That he would get his... Bob would tell lots of Rodney stories. And apparently Rodney had two pipes. He gave one to Bob and he gave one to Jim Carrey. And I didn't know this. I happened to tell Jim Carrey I had this. And he goes, hold on a second. And he went down to his room and he showed me he has a very similar pipe. Wow. You want to take a hit? Yes. Yes, I do. Be careful. Don't drop it. It's very valuable to me.
I'll light it for you. Okay, I got a lighter on me. This is very exciting. Because I remember Robert Klein telling me how much he would always be covering for Rodney in airplanes and places when he was doing drugs. Like he would have to, you know, doing cocaine. And like, this is, you know, an aisle six of TWA. Hey, I'll tell you that.
Bill Maher. Okay. That's not working. I haven't smoked a pipe. Hey, Bill Maher. Now I know why lions eat their young. Hey, my wife's a terrible cook. Yeah. My house, we pray after we eat. I tell you, I feel all right now. Last week, I was in rough shape. Last week, my wife told me she's only having sex with me once a week. I said, what? She said, hey, some guys like cut out old again.
I tell you, I'm at the age now I get sexually satisfied when I squeeze into a parking place. He was... When he would do Carson, he would do like the six minutes. Pass it over. Oh, yeah. I'm so sorry. He would do like his six minutes and then he would sit on the couch and do another six minutes.
And Carson would say like three words. He just said, "No, this is what I do. Stand-up comedy. I can be sitting when I'm doing it, but I'm just gonna do it. It's gonna be more interesting than, you know, 'Hey, I hear you like farting.'" It's weird, like with Rodney, like, "I only shook his dick in class." "Oh, boy, I tell ya, fun is hard work. Yeah, we're gonna have fun in Hawaii this year, like Elvis."
Did you see that movie? I haven't seen it. Not interested? No, I'll see it. Right now I'm binging something else, which I think you would love. What? The Danny Boyle Sex Pistols thing on Hulu. What? Oh, God. Sex Pistols? That's punk rock? Steve Jones from the Sex Pistols wrote a book, and Danny Boyle, who did Trainspotting and Slumdog Millionaire, he made a miniseries out of it.
about the early days of punk rock in London. Punk rock is... It's so cool. Punk rock is... You should love it. You're a punk rocker. I am not. Yeah, you're... I'm not the music. I know, but your attitude has always been a punk rock attitude. Is that right? I believe that. Well, okay. One of the things I like about you. Well, then send me the lyric sheets because the music sucks. I never thought... Anarchy in the UK. Okay, great.
And, by the way, anarchy is stupid. So, you know, the idea of being pro-anarchy, immediately not respecting your work. If you're a 19-year-old Brit. Yes, okay. Well, that's why we shouldn't let 19-year-olds control the ideas. All right, you're right. The sex pistols suck. No one likes the sex pistols. You're right. Maybe they have other attributes. They just started something that spawned
They started something that sucked more. They started something where... You don't like The Clash and The Ramones? No, no. Punk rock, we're talking about three chords. I think I know what punk rock is. Now, maybe they did say... I will say this. I think there's a band that started punk rock. Maybe there's more than one. Yeah, I'm sure there is. There's a band I believe started punky
and then became an awesome band who I love, and that is Green Day. Am I wrong about that? Were they punk at the beginning? They would still consider themselves punk, I think. They are so, well, if that's punk, it's like punk made palatable because they're, I mean, like American Idiot and 21st Century, that one. I mean, the songs are not punk.
I get the punk spirit is in there. They have great melodies, but the guitar, the drum, the bass. Great melodies and harmonies. In other words, I'm not afraid to make an entertaining, good record. What a crazy idea. You know, I mean, the Beatles never would have done punk because they were like, well, we know more than three chords.
We could do something else. They were musicians, but the Sex Pistols were just literally street punks who learned how to play after they formed a band. Well, they learned how to play to... They were part of a movement that was a reaction. It was a bowel movement. They were... They learned to play...
And then quickly halted that learning curve. They died. Well, they died a year into it. It's very simple, repetitive. I get it. It's a primal scream. Right. Okay. I like that. Well, once I've heard one primal scream, I don't need to hear the whole album. Yeah, I tried to listen to that. I think it's a double album.
London Calling? Is that a double album, The Clash? I know I can picture the cover. It's iconic. San Denise, the next one, is a double album. Something... London Calling is one of the best, yes. Okay, and by best, I assume you mean worst. You don't like that either? I'm not sure which...
of these albums were London calling from the far away so good again not good but sorry I don't have any Hall & Oates I don't know what you're listening to I would definitely take Hall & Oates
Any day. Hall & Oates had some very good songs. The way you're dressed, I just think you listen to fat guys who play the ukulele, who play Over the Rainbow. No, I listen to music that's good, that's finished. But one of them is a double album, and I remember somebody like you saying, you've got to listen to this. And I remember thinking...
They couldn't just confine this repetitive shit to two sides of an album? I have to listen to four of the same horrible same song? I mean, it makes the blues look like, you know, Mozart and McCartney got married. You know, people say that... What's the last concert you saw? The last concert, that's a good question. Last concert, maybe the Eagles?
I don't want to go to concerts. I went to see Red Hot Chili Peppers a couple weeks ago in L.A., their hometown. It's a transformational experience. Maybe your life is so good you don't need that, but for so many people, I'm watching like 30,000, 40,000 people who probably may have had a rough week. The whole country feels like they're carrying a backpack lately of just stress and anxiety.
Depression, to see them go up there and sing about California and LA in front of people living here, it was uplifting. It's like a Springsteen concert. Sometimes it feels like a revival without the religion. Yeah.
Well, I think what it is, I mean, you know, hey, solo concerts are great. I agree. I have had some great times at concerts. It's just, to me, it's not worth the, you know, getting in, getting out, being in crowds, you know, waiting in line in the bathroom. You know, you can't take that out of it, beating the traffic. There's a lot that, yeah, I mean, sorry.
Let's do a concert in one of your 50 lawns out here. But I know, I think what the feeling that you're describing comes from is that we're all so divided and we don't seem to have much in common with our neighbor. But when you go to a concert, everybody has one really deep thing in common. They all like that band.
that singer. And music is very personal. It's very, very rare to find someone who doesn't like
one kind of music. You almost never hear somebody when you say, what kind of music do you like? Oh, I don't like music. You don't like music? No. You don't like country music or rap music, but you like some kind of music. You must. Almost everyone does. But we don't agree on what kind. But when everyone's at the concert for the Chili Peppers, it's like all these people have this very deep thing in them in common. We like this band and whatever this band does really gets to us on a, you know,
visceral level. And that, yes, that is powerful. Of course, when you leave the stadium, you know, all these people, you go back to being these people who... Right, right, right. And if you talk to them, you'd have big disagreements. It's interesting. It is interesting. It calms a savage beast. Yeah, music is like that. It's a shame that we don't
It can't really change the world. It likes to think it can. It can, but it can for those couple of hours. That's all it can do. It's like, of course, the band sees that every night. So they think they're changing the world because that's all they see. It's like Trump always thinks everyone in the country is behind him because he's basing this on a Trump rally. That's all the crowd he ever sees.
People love me. Yeah, people at Trump rallies love you. Well, if you're the Red Hot Chili Peppers and you just rock 35,000 people 70 nights in a row, your head's going to go to everyone loves me. Right. But it's really only one out of like 500 people. That's interesting. Or more in the whole country who are there. But yes, I mean, that's the great thing about mass communication. Who's the most popular person?
musical act in the world, in our world. Today? In America. Yeah. I don't know. I wonder. Well, I mean, we can name the suspects. I mean, there's going to be someone who's enormous. And I mean, Drake just broke some record. Of course, those records are not really, it's apples and oranges. It's kind of like comparing Babe Ruth to someone who played today. Right. It's impossible. You know what Babe Ruth's lifetime batting average was?
287. 342. Wow. 342 as a home run hitter. I mean, even the singles hitters, you know, the non-power hitters today would never hit 342. It's because when Babe Ruth played, there was no relief pitchers hardly. They played up, pitched on two days rest. The mitts, like literally were mitts. They weren't like big giant basket gloves. Right.
Didn't play at night. You know, there was no black people in the game. You were playing only against half the population. So the people, so the talent was way thinned. No Latino players. That's how he hit 342.
Nobody would hit 342 today. I mean, Derek Jeter retired, I think, at 310. How are the Mets doing now? Mets are awesome now that I don't own a piece of them. What happened? What? It got sold to Steve Cohen. Oh, so your part got sold along with that? Yeah, he bought out the minority owners. Oh, that must hurt. No, because it was right after the pandemic where we lost a fortune.
I was writing checks you wouldn't believe. Really? Yes, because we weren't playing baseball for a year. You got to keep every hot dog vendor on the payroll? I don't know. I don't get involved in the details. All I know is I lost a lot before I got way more back. I knew it was going to be a great investment. I mean, it's a fucking National League baseball franchise in New York. They're not making any more of those. Why everyone else who could afford it and way more than I didn't do it, I have no idea.
but that's the truth of it. I mean, it's baseball. So you would do it again? Well, no. Because of that pandemic, I wouldn't, if you had said to me, but you know what, if we have a pandemic, why are you a part owner of this team? And there's nobody in the stands for the first hundred games. And then we're going to play 60, but still nobody in the stands, but you get the TV revenue, but still no hot dogs. Don't you, didn't you, I mean, what I remember about it was like,
you showing up just to even in LA with a Mets hat on you fucking used about this. I loved it. Yes. I had my, a box. I had a parking spot at the stadium. It was, I mean, so if that's happening right now in an LA team, Oh, an LA team. Fuck. No, I would never swear. What? No, no, no. It was only the fact that it was the Mets. It was the one team I would be interested in, uh,
What if they put a minor league Mets team in California? No, minor league is minor league. That's why they call it minor league, Jeff. I don't want to be in the minor leagues. I know people like Jimmy Kimmel was like, hey, I got some soccer. I'm like, Jimmy, just get a trampoline team, why don't you? Drew Carey is so proud of that soccer team.
Yeah, I'm sure soccer is actually big. It's certainly bigger everywhere else in the world. I never really appreciated it, but I went to... I don't either. I went in London. It's worse than punk rock. I'm going to... Soccer is the punk rock of... I'm going to Liverpool next week, and I'm going to go to a football match. And I went once. And here's what was cool about it. Liverpool? Yeah. So that's part of the tour? Yeah. Beetletown. Yeah. I'm going a day early so I can look around. I was just going to look around. Are you going to take one of those...
Tours, get them to give you a celebrity tour. Yeah, I'll have to. You have to. I love the Beatles. Well, and you're in Liverpool? Wow. So I'm going early to see that. I mean, I love the Beatles, and I've been to England five or six times, and I never went to Liverpool. I'll be a surprise guest on the Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle shows.
This podcast will come out after I've already done it, so I'm okay telling you, but it's such a thrill. I don't quite always can't believe, like, being a comedian is a backstage pass to the universe. Like, I get to see and do things as just some caterer's son from New Jersey I never would have seen. That's a great title for your book, Backstage Pass to the Universe. I like it. Yeah. They're going to say son of a caterer.
Let's put it in the movie where you're... You got, this is our second movie you pitched me for me. This is a book. Backstage. Have you seen the news about inflation? It's hitting Americans where it hurts. Gas up 59%. Rent up 17%. Inflatable pool toys don't remind me.
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You know, what every financial advisor tells you to buy, contemporary art has crushed it for the past 26 years by more than double. Bloomberg, Forbes, and the New York Times have all called Masterworks an inflation-smashing unicorn. Demand is so high that they even have a wait list. Get this, they sold out a Banksy painting last week in 14 minutes.
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HBO documentaries have always examined the stories that make us question the world and show us what humans are capable of. The good, the bad, and the unbelievable. On each episode of HBO Docs Club, host Brittany Luce and Ronald Young Jr. take a closer look at a film or series in the HBO Documentary Films catalog that you can watch on HBO Max.
They'll get updates on the stories, talk with the filmmakers, plus experts to help us make sense of each film's topic. You can listen to HBO Docs Club on HBO Max, wherever you get your podcasts. And by the way, with that joint and that shirt, you really look like a producer. Listen, kid. I wore this because I wore this at your, I'm sure, this is one of my favorite Hawaiian shirts. It's so beautiful. It's a very beautiful color. Where'd you find it? Oh, it was wardrobe.
You know how old this shirt is? Oh, my God. It's older than some of the kids listening, which I love. You did a movie in that shirt? I did. Club Med. Was it good? No. Have you ever been in a good movie? Well...
Yeah, kind of, but not like a... Because that shirt... Yeah. I did two comedies, low-budget comedies, with my friend John Lawton, who's a really funny guy and director. Those were two actually funny movies, Pizza Man and Cannibal Women. But DC Cab, you know... That was a great movie. Charlie Barnett. I hated it, but I loved Joel Schumacher. Yeah, I remember being a young comic, seeing that movie, thinking it was cool. But with that shirt...
You can just teach people how to buy real estate with no money down. Right, it does look like that. But you as the roasting hitman or what now? Yeah, I guess hitman. I mean, so many movies are about a hitman. I like that. I just feel like if you do anything where you're a hitman, the movie does well. I always thought a cool movie would be where you do a roast.
And the guy doesn't take it well, or the lady doesn't take it well, and then each of the people on the dais dies like a week apart. Yeah, but I think you could pull off an action comedy. I think you're right for that. I do. Look at Patton Oswalt. He's got quite a nice career as an actor, right? He's amazing. Yeah.
He's good. Yeah. And I think he isn't that hard. You could do it. I always say that. If it's a funny story and I could put some input into my personality, I would do something like that. Do you remember Sidney Pollack, the director? Of course. Okay. So, so many great movies. And I did this show on Amazon, believe it or not, in 2006. It was one of the first web shows.
When Amazon, where were they in 2006? Not like where they are today. And I remember it was when Real Time was off for like four months. We used to have four months off between seasons. It took a while for the brass at HBO to get it that, oh no, this is the kind of show this should be on every week. It's not like our other series. So
So we were still off for like four months. And so they came to me and said, you want to do this? Just more like a straight talk show. I remember I interviewed 50 Cent and Linda Rodstad and, you know, Timothy Oliphant, actors. And I came on. You did? I was terrible.
I learned so much by that experience. You did stand-up on it? No. You sat with me. You interviewed me about a documentary I'd made about Iraq. Oh, I remember. Yes, it was fine. What are you talking about? No, no, no. You were fine. I hadn't talked about the documentary yet. And I was still tiptoeing around approvals from the USO. And at that point, W was like,
The whole thing was blowing up in his face with weapons of mass destruction and Abu Ghraib and Here I Am. And the surge. It was either you loved... It was like everything was so binary.
Yeah, but I... And you were on fire politically, and here I am trying to be neutral, and you were so like, come on, Jeff. Really? Yeah. I don't remember that. What I remember is that the subject was so interesting because, I mean, a comedian going to a war-torn country is pretty interesting. I don't remember that as being bad at all. It was probably two seconds of it that I had to learn from. The rest of it, I'm sure I was, you know, you and I, we roll, but it's like...
I remember realizing the burden of performing for the troops is that you leave politics out of it when you're over there. And then you come back and suddenly you're talking about it. It's like...
You know, you don't want to go over there and, you know, the military, before I ever went to one of those USO tours, I didn't know the difference between the government and the military. I thought it was like one thing. Growing up, I thought it was one big thing. It is. And now, okay.
But when you actually go to Iraq and you meet men and women of all ages, shapes, and sizes, and they have, like, they're engineers, they're teachers. They're not all, like, kilikami from Mami, like, in the movies. No, not at all. As soon as I learned, I didn't know. Oh.
I didn't know. As soon as it got humanized for me... Oh, you've got to love the troops. It's not their fault. The only thing I'd ever seen was war movies. I didn't understand. And we need them. Of course. I see that now. I mean, what we don't need to do is spend...
the money we spend on the Pentagon budget. But to your point about the government and the military being the same thing, of course, that's why it's even scarier than that. Eisenhower called it the military industrial complex. It's corporate America and the military. That's what is the... Plus, of course, the government, it's a triumvirate, it's a three-headed monster because most of the money...
When they say, we need more for defense, what they're really saying, what really happens is, no, we need more for defense contractors.
The people who can... It's the second easiest sell behind religion is to sell armaments. Because you can always scare people. We need more, more, more to protect ourselves and to keep the monsters away. You tried to sell me a gun an hour ago. A gun is... Right, because you know what? Because the M1 tank is not going to show up at your house. But, I mean, we literally make so many armaments that even the Pentagon says they don't want.
And Congress still makes them. Why? Because these defense contractors are smart enough to put in every congressional district some of their, what goes into what they're making. If you're making a submarine, it's got to be made all over the country. So everybody in Congress has a voting interest in keeping that submarine... In production. Right.
Because they make the fucking widgets here in Indiana. So we spend all this money and, of course, then screw the soldiers a lot because we don't exactly pay them a fortune. That's where the money goes, to the defense contractors. It's bloated. Eisenhower warned about it.
60 years ago. A couple years later, I went with the chairman of the Joint Chiefs on another tour. Wow. Name dropper. He went in the back of the plane to a more private, with his headset, to make calls.
And one thing he said afterwards was, you know, I said, I can't believe how hard you work. You're like in the middle of traveling all night. You're on the phone with all these different. He goes, as the chairman of the Chiefs of Staff, he said, I run the biggest corporation in the world. Right. He does. Right. The Pentagon is the world's largest office building. And that's what it is, offices. Right.
And it takes a lot. The United States military is the world's biggest, biggest polluter. You know, it's all way out of hand because, first of all, warfare isn't really a tank. I mean, it is in Ukraine right now to a degree, but not on our level. It's either going to be nukes or it's going to be cyber or terrorism, which, again, low tech, low
Box cutters, hijacking, you don't need to build submarines.
To fight the Taliban. Now, the Chinese... This is a bolt, a steel bolt from a Nazi submarine. A steel bolt from a Nazi submarine? Yeah, my grandfather. You wear it as a ring? My grandfather made it into a ring during World War II. But it's from the Nazis? He worked for the Coast Guard, so he took a submarine apart, a captured sub. That might technically be illegal. Maybe. You're not supposed to have Nazi memorabilia. Yeah.
It's not memorabilia. It's a bolt that he pulled off a U-boat in Baltimore Harbor when he was... Oh, I get it. I get why. That is kind of cool, but...
It would have been better if it was an American boat, but I guess then we'd want it to still be on the boat. Right. I guess the idea is that we... This is captured. We sunk that. And for a teenage, you know, crew member of the Coast Guard, my grandpa, that was like, what do you call it, a war... All right, as long as we're admitting things... Yeah. I'm not going to say whether I still have this. It may be in a secure location. Hitler's cock ring. LAUGHTER
My parents were both in World War II. Did you know that? No. My mother was a nurse. Yeah. They knew each other in high school. They went to the same high school in New Jersey, Cliffside. But my father was two years younger. So my mother knew of him, but he was like a kid. She was a senior. He was a sophomore. They weren't close. She knew his sister better. Right. Then, during the war, like 1944 or 5...
She's somewhere and she sees this guy on stage at like one of those, you know, not a big USO show or maybe, but he was something where he was emceeing because he was a newsman. And that's where I get my. Wow. Yeah. And she's, oh, my God, that's Bill Maher from Cliffside High School. Wow. And, you know, six years later, they got married or whatever. But that's, you know, so.
She was a lieutenant. As a nurse? As you graduated, always as a lieutenant. And she brought home this bayonet from a German soldier. Really? Yes. And I remember we had it in the house with some other...
Like, not other stuff from the Germans, but like her, like insignias and stuff. And, you know, patches that were on his uniform and, you know, stuff like that. They had a little World War II kid. And I remember my father once saying, oh, God, I could have had so much stuff. Maybe they were talking about how it was selling for something now. He said, we had flags, we had guns, we had, I could have brought home. But he said it was so everywhere that you didn't think to do it.
And, you know, but she brought home this bayonet. Wow, what a thing. I know. And I wanted it so badly. I was a big World War II buff because when I was a kid, that's like what the TV shows were that were action shows, combat. You know, that was the most recent war that they could, you know, Hogan's Heroes. My favorite. Your favorite? I love that show.
It was, you know, it's in that great Godfather movie that's out now about the making of The Godfather, the offer, because Al Ruddy, the producer of The Godfather, his job before The Godfather was he created Hogan's Hero. I did not realize that. Oh, it's in the movie. It's great. It's really, and they show the pitch meeting where they're like, wait, the Nazis were in a concentration camp or funny? Yeah.
Prisoner camp. Right, right, right. And of course, it just shows... Gilbert had that legendary bit about that. What? The pitch meeting, too. Really? He would parody that famous... Well, Al Ruddy wrote books about it, so it was a famous pitch meeting. But Gilbert used to do a whole thing. I could never... Oh, do it. But he was like, it's about... It takes place in a constant... Oh, I like it. Tell me more. LAUGHTER
We've got the Midwest. Oh, okay. Sounds funny. You know, something like that. Boy, there was a loss.
I just saw his widow back in... Yeah, up there. Somewhere, yeah. She's a good lady. I know, she mentioned you. Boy, you get close to the... You're so close to him and Bob. Gilbert and Bob. Yeah. Just a couple months apart. Are you close to all the comics? And just like whoever dies, we would hear that you were very close? I'm pretty picky about who I... Really? I mean, but the thing about me is I'll hold on to people for a long, long time and...
But yet I have, because of the roast battle community that I'm in, I have a lot of comedians that I love that are much newer in their careers.
I consider myself a comedian before anything else. Before I'm from New Jersey, it's like a cult or a religion. Before I'm a Jew, before I'm an American, when I see a comedian and I'm in Copenhagen or I was in Dublin a few weeks ago and these comedians introduced, and it's like, I'd rather hang out with those guys. I remember one time Rock was at some fancy hoity-toity party and, you know, he's,
He finds the comedians. He doesn't care that Oprah's there. It's like he needs to be in our tribe. That's my tribe. Absolutely. So when Bob and Gilbert go, it's like those guys, I had so much of my prime invested in telling them everything. And Bob was such a good advice person with comedy, but also with regular life.
And, you know, when that goes away, you know what it's like. You lost some friends not too long ago. Yes, this was a rough year. But, you know, this thing about comedians hanging out with each other, it's...
I'm guessing the public is a little tired of hearing us talk about how much we love each other, but that's too bad because we do. And we're going to keep talking about it because it's real and it's interesting to us. But there is just a lot of comics blowing each other up about like how much fun, but it is true. And I'll tell you a little story that maybe we'll set this point home, uh, on a luxury liner. Uh,
The longest relationship I was ever in was five years. This is going back quite a few years. I believe Bush I was being inaugurated as our relationship was being inaugurated. Anyway, but I remember thinking, oh, this girl is a keeper when we were going out for a few months and
I had met a couple of her friends once. They probably came to the Improv, the only place I ever was in 1988. Sure. The Improv. Okay. And I remember because of other relationships I'd had previously, I was 32 at the time, so I'd had a little experience and remembered that it had been an issue in some other relationships that I...
I wanted to spend more time with my friends than I did with their friends. Because I thought, well, your friends are not funny. And I remember this...
woman I was with for five years saying to me when I proposed, you know, I said, I'd met these people, you know, trying to be the right thing and not fuck up this relationship. If you want to, you know, if you want to have dinner with them some night, I'm, you know, I'm down. And she said, oh God, no, I'd much rather have, hang out with your friends. They're all so funny. And I was like, okay, keep her.
You know what I mean? She had good taste in what a good night out was. It was like, first of all, it rang true to me. We were a lot funnier. Because she'd been, you know, the only place I ever went was the fucking improv. I mean, we went to movies and shit and dinner, I guess, sometimes. But I didn't throw it around like that. Right. You know, dinner and a show was on the show. Watch me do a set. Right. And then, you know, we'll get a hamburger at the improv. I mean, that, you know, and I mean...
Oh, gosh. I once heard you talk about... I once... What? I mean, I'm going to get verklempt about our youthful, innocent days that in some ways were... You used to talk about when you were starting out, you felt richer. When you were poor, you felt richer.
And I don't even think I've ever talked to you about this, but I think I read this like in an interview. But, you know, when I was starting out, I definitely feel richer now. It was like when you were poor because I'm rich. You felt rich because you had just enough money to like go to dinner and go to movies with your friends. Now that you're rich and on TV, you're like, I got to do sit ups. I got to call my account. I got to take care of it. It's like it's a lot more work.
Well, it's just a lot more work. You know, when you're starting out, I worked hard, but I also see what you're saying there. I'm trying to clean up my days, like
I'm trying to... The pandemic for me gave me a little bit of clarity on how much I love stand-up, where I took it for granted for a long time. I kind of did it as thought of as a hobby. Really? I was producing and writing and other stuff. I was always just chasing other stuff, doing other stuff, writing other stuff. Sure. Show business. Yeah.
And now that I'm like, I like being on stage and the audiences right now, as you know, are like, stand-up is like a vaccine for your brain for people. I love it. Especially if you're telling people the truth about the world and their lives, they're like...
They're taking it in like a drug. It's also something for me, I don't know how you do it, probably somewhat similar, but I just did a special for the network, HBO, called Adulting. It was on in April. Working toward your next special puts such a structure in my life. I usually do them every four years.
So, you know, there's just different phases. And like that last six months when you're getting it like literally exactly right, as tight as you can fucking string this, like the woodland Indians would make a canoe. Right. Tight. Beautiful.
Honed, sharp, sculpted, ready for a prime time, like Saturday night, standing ovation. That kind of focus and moving toward that and going through those different phases, I love that. That is like my building a ship in a bottle. You know how people build ships in bottles? That's their little hobby. Yeah.
I mean... Is it every four years by design? Or it just happens to work out, like, that's kind of how long it takes you? It just seems to have happened to work out. So you don't make a deal four years from now? No. Right. No. No. But it just... You know, I just want to make sure that it's, like, super... Like...
You know, could I do one? I could do one tomorrow. Just based on the act I'm doing now, which is almost all new from the adulting special. And it's killing. But it'll just get, it'll evolve. You'll know. And I don't want to do just A minus. I want to do A plus. And that motivates me and keeps me in a happy place in my mind more than anything else. There's just something about that. And you're right. It's what we started with.
I also had a very similar experience to you where there was a period, I think it was like in the late 90s, probably right after I was starting Politically Incorrect. I'm like, oh, okay, I'm a talk show host. Now, what am I doing? Stand up. And you kind of like slough off and then, you know, you realize, oh, no, wait.
First of all, that feeds whatever else I'm going to do. Right. You're going to be a funnier talk show host if you were on stage that weekend. Right. And it's good to get out of town. I don't want to be... I mean, I love L.A. to live in. But your show's got to be about everybody. And also, I don't want to be here every fucking night of the year. You know? I want to go to Cincinnati.
Where are you? We've got to wrap it up here, Jeff. Where are you headed on the tour? Jeff will be at the Chuckle Fuck at the... It's kind of like that. I'm going to do... Let's mention some things. I don't know when we're going to drop this podcast, but it probably won't be too long. We'll do whatever helps you. Tell me if you know these cities. Tell me if I know these cities. Tell me where to eat or where to go or what to do here. I don't eat on the road.
You eat after your show backstage, right? Yes. I never understood that. That does not sound fun to me at all. And every other food I eat on the weekend, I bring. And that food that comes backstage is like something that I order. You ever been to Huntsville, Alabama? Yes, Huntsville, absolutely. Let me tell you, Huntsville, Alabama is a great town because it's where NASA is. It's a bunch of fucking...
Atheist physicists. That's what Huntsville, Alabama is. Really? Yes. Now, if you go... I couldn't understand why they invited me. I was like, what? Okay. Oh, no, no. If you go... Now, it's like directly south by about... Oh, not much. Like 50 miles maybe of Memphis? Really? Or Nashville? Something like... Some major city in...
In Tennessee, I think. Well, I'll be in Nashville. But Huntsville, Alabama is very hip. You'll see the big NASA symbol. I'm going to go to NASA. Do they give tours? I'm sure. NASA? I'm putting it out there, NASA. Huntsville, we have a problem. They're touring the universe, Jeff. I don't know. I'll be there in October. Yeah.
Nashville in December, Miami in October, Phoenix in December. These are awesome dates. I'm going to do some more Bumping Mike's dates with a tell. All right. I'll see you in Hawaii. Why don't we plug that one? Tell them. Yes. The night before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, yes. No. December 30th in Maui.
And December 31st in Honolulu. That's always the way it is. Thank you for flying me and paying for my hotel and all my expenses. Whatever it takes, by the way. I would happily do that. Come on, I'm kidding. I know. Well, I am paying. This opening act, the hotels cost more than the gig. No, they don't. This is the worst deal I've ever made since I agreed to go to Huntsville, Alabama. I'll fix it, Jeff. Yeah.
But seriously, I want to talk to Jimmy Vallely about this Airbnb because that sounds like where we should party. Really? Wouldn't that be fun? You could do that. No, no, I can't stay there. Oh, I could never do it. Remember when we went to Larry Flint's house on the beach? Yes. Not on the beach, but above the beach. Yeah. And we went to, and that's when Woody Harrelson came over there. Oh, you're right. You're right.
and um right he was there for that and uh yes i have that picture and that what's his name the amazing actor with the owen wilson he came by oh yeah like you had all these cool hawaii friends yeah waiting there for you to come there every year yeah no i know so you're gonna do you're gonna so what so wendy liebman
Wendy Liebman and you are the comics this year. It's going to be an awesome show. How much time do you think you'll do? I usually do a half hour, then we'll figure it out. And then I do a half hour at the beginning and a half hour at the end. I'm warning you now, my act murders. I know. So unless you're ready to fucking crush it, you better let me go last. I'm ready to crush it.
All right. Thank you for the vote of confidence. I think I can handle it. I'm just talking, you know, there's no Ali without Frazier. I'm just trying to build it up. We're just trying to give people, we're making people laugh. We're not, we're there for them, not to kill each other. All right.