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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Hello, Bill Maher. How are you? I'm good, sir. How are you? Hey, listen. Sorry, I know I just met you. But before I forget, because I get to drinking and I do. Okay. Please tell your mother. She loves you. That was the first thing she said to me when I told her I was coming in today. Please, again, before I forget, because I know I will, I tend to do it. But I had such a great time when she was on Real Time. She did as well.
Nothing pleased me more than to kind of fucking, you know, come to her defense. Yes. And, you know, we texted a few times. I always let friendships evolve. Yeah. You know, I don't force them. But just tell her, yes, I could tell I liked her right away. I knew I would. And she's my kind of person. She was very grateful for. We'll all get together sometime before we're dead. Yeah.
So how are you? Can I get you a drink? I'm good. I've got one right here. Cheers. No, no, alcohol. No, I do not drink, but I've got a sparkling one. That's so funny. Like...
I always say the kids always do the opposite of their parents, right? Usually, right? I mean... It's a rule of thumb. Don't you think that has something to do with it? Yeah, but the irony is, though, I have been totally fucking wasted in your presence before, so... You have? Oh, yeah. I don't remember it because I must have been wasted in my presence. Yeah, in my youth, I used to frequent a certain mansion in the... The Playboy Mansion? Yeah.
And I was there serving drinks or something. I don't remember being at the Playboy Mansion. I don't know. So you're talking about the parties. The parties, yeah. Yeah. People, I say that because people thought
I thought I lived there or something like Jimmy Conn, I think, in the 70s. And of course, I only went to the big parties. Because they were fun. Because they were fun. And it was like four times a year. But of course, every time you go, they get a picture of you. So it does look like you live there. Pretty much. Back when people actually read Playboy magazine. And then camera phones ruined everything.
Why? I don't know. It just felt like when, like, the Playboy Mansion was fun, and then when everyone had iPhones, it no longer became about, like, going to the Playboy Mansion and having fun. It just became about people taking pictures of the Playboy Mansion.
Yeah, I remember in the later days, of course, there's what I call the dead ball era. You know what that is in baseball? No. Okay, so you're fucking like half British or some shit. You don't get these references, but the dead ball era in baseball was like before Babe Ruth came along. They called it the dead ball era because no one hit home runs. Like Ty Cobb would lead the league with nine. First
First of all, the ball was different. Okay. That was part of it. And they just played a different, scrappier kind of game. And then Babe Ruth changed everything. But for me, the dead ball era was like when he got married. By the way, did you see the sign? I did, yeah. Playmates at play. That was the one that was on the driveway. When you made the cut. Do you believe I wound up with that? How did you get that? Auction. Shut up.
And it wasn't that much money. Wow. Under 10 grand for that iconic sign. Yeah. I bet you it's...
Worth a lot more already. Yeah. I think that they, but when he died, they auctioned off like the catalog and I'm not an auction person, but somehow they, I guess they figured because. Because you live there. Exactly. Because I live there that I would want to see this shit. And it was, I mean, it was like everything the guy ever wore. I mean, his fucking jocks drop, his socks. I mean, it's like when they cleaned out the closet, they cleaned out the closet. Wow.
Wow. And it was, you know, a lifetime, you know, his car is, you know, I'm sure there was the, you know, the silicone they had lying around that they used in the lab and the stuff they used to bolt the tits onto the real housewives, you know. But when he got, when was he, he was like 60 something. Yeah. And then, so that sign came down and it was children at play.
Because the kids were young. Yeah, the new era. Are you around that age of Marston and Cooper? Yeah, I'm within a few years of Cooper, I think. He's a great guy. Yeah. Looks identical to his father. He does, yeah. Like a clone, like almost a clone. I mean, spooky. And he's very much like his father, cerebral, you know, kind of quiet, calm.
not uninterested in pussy, but he's married. I don't know. I don't know. Is he getting into politics at one point? He's engaged. Yeah. I'll say that. I think he's an interesting guy. But anyway, I think the dead ball era was when
He was married. That sign came down. Children at play went up. And, of course, it was like when Vegas tried to be family friendly. It's like, it's the Playboy Mansion. Don't be the opposite of what you are. Exactly, yeah. Know your brand. Know your brand. Exactly. Children at play at the Playboy Mansion just doesn't quite hit the same. Right.
Your father doesn't want to go out there and sing, it's impossible. Tell a baby not to cry. Exactly. Bite the head off a bat. It's just impossible. And tomorrow. Got to give them what they want, you know? And that's, yeah. Oh, well. Anyway, so that was like, and then he came out of...
Well, the marriage. And then he came out, and that must have been when you... Yeah, like early 2000s, I started running around there. Right, because he was, I think, newly single, like late 90s. Yeah.
Remember he had that weird thing with the twins? Yeah. Well, he had like multiple. Oh, well, it kept shifting. And then with the show. I have all the Christmas cards. And it's like one year it's like him with three platinum blondes. And the next year it's like five. And then it's like seven. And then it's back down to four. I don't get why he didn't just move to Utah where it would have been totally socially acceptable at that point. He could have married all of them.
He didn't want to marry them. I mean, that would take the fun out of it. It's like these, I hear about these throuples, you know, that you're millennials. Yeah. Remember that Katie Hill? Do you know who that is? No, who's that? She was in Congress. Oh, that's right. She was in my friend's district in like Valencia. Correct. Yeah. Yeah. Local. Local.
And like 32. Yeah. You remember? Yeah. And she had the full throuple going on with like a member of her like staff and. Right. Yeah. That was weird. And I was like, but it was like a marriage, you know, they were living together and, you know, I was like, leave it to millennials to take the fun out of threesomes with a lot of rules about who gets to do the dishes. But, but why are we bringing that up? Oh, the three half with this harems.
I just thought, you know, I loved him, but, you know, now a lot of stuff is coming out. Who knows what's true? It was a different era. That doesn't excuse some of the things that, you know, may have gone on. I don't know. But he was certainly...
seemed like he wanted to, you know, be a gentleman. Yeah. But I don't know what went on behind closed doors. Well, yeah, and that's the thing. You never know what goes on behind anyone's closed doors. Right, exactly. But there is, I always, you know, there is that strange thing of, oh, well...
You know, he's dead, so how does he defend himself? Exactly. What are we going to go, dig him up and yell at him? Yeah. I mean, the guy lived a long time. There was plenty of time to turn around and be like, hey, this asshole did this. Yes, and also a lot of the women who were his girlfriends and hung around, they do have, I mean, I've certainly met a lot of them. They were around. I mean, they weren't, like, embittered and...
I mean, I guess there's some, and maybe they have legitimate stories, but I don't think it was from him. Bill Cosby was there a lot. I mean, I don't know. I don't think Hef was preparing the ketamine or whatever. But he was, you know, it was a laissez-faire. Anyway, I always thought in his later years...
It was less cool than his early years when he never left, which was what made it so cool. Like, I don't have to leave. Everybody comes to me. Everybody comes to the Playboy Mansion, especially the Chicago one. Yeah.
And then you'd see him at, like, the Garden of Eden nightclub, like, well, I'm here. How fucking cool. You know, it's like, we're at a nightclub. Yeah. A shitty fucking disco where douchebags are roofying chicks. Yep, and spending 10 grand on a table. It's like, you know. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't think it was even that. But so you went to those parties. Yes. And.
- And you were single, obviously? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, at that time, sure. I had a lot of fun, it was great. - And then you got married? - I got married in 2012.
And then divorced in 2018. And then engaged now. Oh. Yeah. So you like being married. I guess it would turn out so. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that's not exactly a ring. No, you know what it is? My phone. Honey, it would turn out so. The way you say it with that British lilt. How could anyone deny it? It's charming. I mean, I'm sure...
But some people, it's just their personality. They don't like to wake up alone. I was like King Bachelor for the longest time. King Bachelor. Really? I had a great run. I had a good 12-year run, just tearing it up. Is it wrong I'm still doing it? No, it's great. Hats off to you. Like Captain, my captain. It's like, go for it. No, it's not like that. But it is...
I often think of it like, you know, when you're a bachelor like that and really just militant about it. It's kind of like Halloween, you know, like...
you're getting a lot of candy. If somebody says to you, well, you know, there's no law that says tomorrow can't be Halloween too. It's true. It's so true. I mean, I, I mean, like in the year that I was single between, you know, you know, divorcing my ex and meeting my new fiance, I had a lot of fun. And then I realized, you know what? I kind of enjoy trusting this person a bit. You know, it's that weird thing of like, and then I'm like dealing with that kind of
I tell you what, the dating apps, I think, are kind of amazing in the sense that there's documentation of what the interaction is with the person. It's not like in the kind of Me Too era. What do you mean? Because I'm not of this era. I am not of your people, your millennial people. So this is all, you have to explain. I liked the safety of it in the sense that, hey, I matched with this person on a dating app.
It's very clear that I'm on a dating app, she's on a dating app. There's no confusing about what we're doing here. Go back even before that. You pick up your phone. Yes. Okay. It's very much... And there's an app. It's very much like ordering an Uber. You've got the magic light box in your hand. Yes.
It is like ordering an Uber, right? Oh, I see. So you're just... You're going like, I like you, I don't like you. Of course. Are you talking about Tinder? No, I did Raya. I met my fiancée at Raya. But isn't that like Tinder for like the cool kids? Yeah, it's like exclusive Tinder. Okay. Yeah, I know. They tried to get me on that. Bill, you'd have a lot of success on that. I don't give a shit. That will never... I'm not looking for success. And I...
And it's just, first of all, the idea in this world where everyone is faking, they're masters at faking who they are and what they look like. You can't even get what they actually look like. No. But I'm going to...
Make a date with someone? No, I don't think so. See, I could talk you through the whole strategy. The strategy is you meet someone, you chat to them on the app, and then you agree to have a little FaceTime convo. So then you can see, all right, which there's always a 20% scale. They either look 20% better than their picture or 20% worse. Wow. What kind of an idiot makes himself look worse? Well, no, they make themselves look worse than they, well, they end up looking worse than they really are. But then they just, you know, they can take bad pictures. Yeah.
But if you can't make yourself look better, then that should say something about their IQ, who you're going out with. Oh, yeah. So you did that. So you did that for a year. Yeah, and then met my now fiance. There were just women who knew you from your public persona and thought, oh, that's a cool guy to go out with, right? Yeah, yeah. I could see that. You are a cool guy to go out with. Well, you're...
First of all, for the crazy upbringing you had, I see you on the MTV show. How old were you then? Started when I was like 15 or 16. Yes, which is what a tender age to be on a reality show. I mean, it's amazing you're not on top of a tall building with a high-powered rifle or some shit. You know,
But, you know, you came out very normal. Yeah, I think. I mean, it was, I think, you know, a stint in rehab and then kind of staying sober and realizing there's a whole world out there outside of L.A. But isn't that de rigueur for everyone in your coterie? Yeah, pretty much. I'm getting this just from euphoria, but I think it's the normal progression. Yeah. No, I don't think that's that weird. But it's what I was saying when you first walked in about, like,
Kids rebel. Whatever your parents are, you don't want to be that. I remember I was once with Ray Dawn Chung. You know who Ray Dawn Chung is? No. Oh, wow. That's sad.
She's the daughter of Tommy Chong. Okay. Yep. Of Cheech and Chong. Yep. And she had a very fine acting career. Yeah. She probably has kids now and stuff, but you'd recognize her. She was in some really good movies, and I don't know why we were in... I certainly wasn't dating her. I would have loved to, but I don't think I was in her league, but...
There were some, for some reason, in the back of a car giggling with some other people. And I remember she said, my father was so disappointed when I told him I stopped smoking pot. And it was like, yeah, whatever the parent does, the kid wants to do the opposite. Well, at least one of them.
Right. Why? Your siblings are? Oh, no. It's just I, you know, it's usually, you know, you always get the, you know, my sister had a, both sisters kind of foray into, you know, went to the music route and tried to do that. And I was always like, no, never doing that. The Osbourne show was a little like the Munsters. A little bit. Yeah. A little bit Munstery. I mean, we had the Addams Family analogy, the Munsters. We had it all. Oh, you did? Yeah. Yeah.
The crazy thing is we just passed the 20-year anniversary of when it aired. Right. I remember it was huge. It made MTV its second... The MTV music, obviously, but when they went into programming, that was the show that...
stamped them as, oh, now it's this different but also successful network. Yeah. And then I think Jersey Shore came soon after that. They had a time there when they were the hot network without what their original brand was to get back to that. Yeah. Yeah, it was fun. So...
But do you think you're, I mean, where are you now with the family? Good? Yeah, yeah, great. Everybody's good, right? Yeah, everyone's good. You were never like bitter that like, oh, you put me on that show? No? No, I wasn't. You were glad for it. Because for me, it was like, I did the show and, you know, I got paid handsomely for it. And then when the show ended, it was like, you couldn't, or what do you want to do now? And I kind of fell into doing a lot of travel shows in England. And I traveled the world for six years straight. Really? Oh, yeah. I went everywhere. Yeah.
Travel the world for six years straight? Pretty much, yeah. I wasn't in one place for more than six weeks. Oh, buddy. Where'd you go? Oh, man. I went to... The only continent I didn't hit was Antarctica. Seriously? Yeah. I was actually... I was just talking about... I drove... Were you just...
Using the money you made? No, I was making travel TV shows. Oh, you were making, right, of course. So I did a show called Adrenaline Junkie, and I mean, New Zealand, South America. I drove to Mongolia from London once. That was fun. That was a long drive. Okay, you can't fool me. You can't, I guess with the channel. Yeah. Okay, so the channel into France. France, yeah.
France into Central Europe, Central Europe into Eastern Europe. Through Ukraine. Right. Yeah.
And where you go through the stands? Kazakhstan? Yeah, Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan. And then China? A little bit into China. And you end up in Ulaanbaatar? Yep. How is Ulaanbaatar? So when I was there, it was kind of, I guess they had just opened up a lot of the mining, and so a lot of money was flooding in. A lot of Australian and American miners were over there. I mean, how are the gay clubs? Oh, they were real pumping. Yeah.
It was wild Is there such a thing? I'm sure there is There was a lot of undergroundness You kind of get that vibe Okay I mean you're always I mean it is a Muslim country No Mongolia? I don't believe it is Actually you know what I wouldn't be surprised if it was I think it is Okay I never heard I never came across many mosques Or you didn't hear the call to prayer or anything when I was there But it could be Yeah
Yeah, that's interesting. Usually I would... It was very, like when I was there, and this is early 2000s, it was like they were still in that post-Soviet era time warp. Well, I'm sure they still are. Yeah, there was like buildings half built and big giant statues of whatever. Fairbanks, Alaska is in the same era. I played there once. Really? I loved it.
It was so great. I played two cities in Alaska like 10 years ago. One was Fairbanks, which I think is the big city. Yeah. I don't think it's the capital. The capital might be Juneau, I think. Yes, it is. You can't even get to it. I mean, you need like a... Flyer or boat. Almost a dog sled to get to fucking the capital of Alaska. But Fairbanks... Oh, and Fairbanks and what's another big... Anchorage. Oh, okay. Anchorage is what I'm thinking. Fairbanks was the first one. That...
It was like a western show. Seriously. It was like outside. It was raining. They didn't care. They stood outside in the mud. I remember walking through mud outside to get from wherever the dressing room was to the stage. It was fantastic. And they were enthusiastic. Whoever comes to do this show. Yeah.
But then Anchorage was like the land that time forgot. It was the '70s. Everything at the restaurants, the hotel, everything looked like it must have been, I don't know, when the oil money started or stopped or whatever, for whatever reason. Yeah. But Alaska is interesting. I mean, you'll see a moose walking down the street. Oh, yeah. And you've got to run from those things. They will kill you. Everybody's got a gun right in their car in case the moose attacks. Yeah, exactly. Or the grizzly comes poking around. We are supported by Signal Wire.
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states, countries now that I bet are still locked into that era. Yeah, Kazakhstan was totally... Right. I mean, that was because there's a little more money in Kazakhstan, but it was still just like... And you, speaking of weed, you drive down the streets in Kazakhstan and you will see huge fields of weed. It just grows naturally there. And they just leave it because it's just everywhere, but it's really frowned upon to smoke it.
So no one does. And why don't they sell it? They don't. They just leave it. It's crazy the amount of weed you see growing in Kazakhstan. But they must know that there's a market for weed. Someone must. Maybe it's because the penalty for getting caught doing it is prohibited. Yeah. That's probably what it is. I mean, they just sent the Russians in and murder everyone. Lots of countries in the world are, you know, they're not like... They're just rougher. You know, like, they...
They'll just kill you for stuff. Yeah. You know, so people, you know, and people, you know, it was always Saddam's big argument with us was like, you don't like me, but who keeps the shit to shore level? Yeah. You know, you people have no idea what kind of tinderbox I'm sitting on. Yep. You just don't know. You're going to find out. It's kind of true. You know, there's such thing, that power vacuum is real. So, I mean, this is why I have never traveled the world like that because fuck, you know,
I don't want to be in places that make me uncomfortable, otherwise known as the world. You know, even where I did used to travel, I went to Europe in 2010 and 2015, and I'd been there in 99. First time I think I was in London was 84. Okay. First time. You know, travel, it's...
But the last time I did it, the last time I actually toured in 2015, I did shows in the cities that speak English where American comics do it.
And I enjoyed the experience, but, you know, after you get to, like, the fifth or the sixth city, it's like, okay, what's so different about Oslo? It's a people. There's a lake. There's buildings. Town square. Can't forget the town squares. They're all over Europe. Except town square. I was like, you know, I could be home. You have quite the compound here, Bill. Why would you ever want to leave? Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I love this room. This room is pretty cool. Isn't it? Yeah. This is a good... I wish we could have the music playing, but of course we can't because we're taping a conversation. But it makes such a difference. It goes with everything. But just imagine it in your head. Yeah. I mean, you guys have fun in it. I feel like this is a good... Oh, I have for...
almost 20 years before I decided it's like, well, as long as I'm having fun in here anyway. Yeah. And this way I can summon people I've always wanted to talk to like you. Yeah. Well, there we go. And you answered the subpoena. I did. Yep. We appreciate that. And what could be better? What could be a better way to spend Wednesday?
Between like five and seven. I mean, what the fuck are you going to do? On a Wednesday between nothing? Talk about the hump of the hump day. You know? Yeah. And, you know, I barely drink anymore, but this is when I allow myself...
A cocktail or two. Hump of the hump day. Yeah. But you never miss them? No, I don't. It's never, it's, I mean, listen, there are times, I'll tell you the only time I miss drinking is that I spend a lot of time outdoors, like climbing, camping, all that stuff. At the end of the day, after I've been like climbing with friends and everyone would sit around the campfire and everyone have like a glass of whiskey or a few beers, only then would I ever miss it. But it's just not, no, I know it doesn't agree with me. I do, I do weird shit when I drink and it's best that I don't.
And this relationship, you say you're engaged? Yep. You think if you went back to it, you'd fuck that up? Oh, probably. I mean, I have a hard time not fucking it up sober. Really? Relationships are amazing when they're good. Right. And it can be, it's a lot of work. But it's great and it's rewarding. See, now you said the thing.
That where I'm like, I'm already out. You know what I mean? But you had to have had a girlfriend. Of course. Okay. Of course. Of course. I've had some serious relationships. Yeah. Not a lot, but yes, of course. But what you just said, it's a lot of work. Yeah. It's a lot of work. Four words. But when I... I can't, now I, you know...
I already just threw in the towel right there. We haven't even started the conversation, doctor. And I already threw in the towel because you said like that you played the trump card right out of the deck. And how do you like I like my work. Yeah, but it is work. And then I can't have more work after work. But I my kind of thought process is, is like if it's easy, you wouldn't respect it. No.
Really? The stuff that's easy? I don't know. I always find... No, I love easy. Okay. Well, like with people, I love easy. Yeah. Like I see no virtue. No, I get no...
boner of any kind, mental or physical, from drama or being difficult or playing hard to get is fucking boring. Yeah. You know, I mean, play hard to get, you won't get got. Yeah. You know, I mean, some guys are different. Some guys love that, you know. Yeah. Probably pretty boys. Oh, yeah. You know, whereas guys like us...
We couldn't just like get on Raya. I guess you could. Yeah, you know, it worked all right for me. What if you meet a girl named Raya? That would be very confusing. Yeah, that would be super confusing. Yeah, that's some layers right there. I bet you people are going to name their kids when they meet on Raya a
I bet you you'll see that. Yeah. Like in 20 years, it'll be a very popular name. Did you see that article that came out? The guy, he delivered his baby. His wife had a baby in their car and they were in a Tesla and it was like auto driving to the hospital while he delivered. And they named their kid Carson because he was born in the car. Carson. Oh, okay.
That's not the least clever thing I've ever heard from social media, quite frankly. Yeah, I got a chuckle out of that. Yeah. I mean, believe me, there's way worse reasons and way stupider names. Yep, there are. I mean, there's... Who named their kid Moroccan? Oh. Somebody. And it was like, when I saw it, I'm like...
Well, Morocco would kind of make sense, but Moroccan? You're implying that your child is? You're using the adjectival form. I don't understand. Yeah. You know, but some celebrities famously... Go with some crazy names. Oh...
Oh. And I guess the kid, you know, and when it's, sometimes it's a name that bestows, you know, great grandeur on the child, which I'm not sure is great as a child. Yeah. To name their child King Shit or whatever. Absolutely. You agree? You know, it's like...
Don't do that. If you're famous and a celebrity and if you're remotely controversial, why are you going to name your kid a name other than something relatively normal? Because that kid's going to experience a bit of trouble at school. And now you're going to give him a weird name. It's just going to get, you know, the kid's going to get the shit kicked out of him. But maybe that's what some of these kids need. But celebrity marriages are always going to be fraught because the difference between a lot of
not all, but a lot of celebrity marriages and marriages is like, how to say it nicely, regular married people don't have that many options. But Ben and J-Lo do. You know, and if they want to get together with other people, other people are always trying to get to them. You know, it's just different. It's harder. You're just constantly tempted by, you know, the grass is greener on the other side, whereas the guy at the office, it's like...
guess I could leave Gladys and fuck my secretary, but she's no prize either. Where else do I meet women? You know, I mean, it's just, you're kind of like, you don't have that, you know, temptation because...
Yeah. You know, who's getting with a Kenny's shoe salesman? Someone might. You never know. That could be a fetish. There's a fetish for everything these days. Well, I mean, it happens in movies a lot. People, you know, like very ordinary people get hit on by very extraordinary women. I don't know. I guess that happens, but I think it's a movie thing. And I'm... Look...
I hope that you seem to have a rather cynical jaundiced view just going into this. Oh, no. Well, so, you know, you got to like, you got to have a full head of steam, bro, if you're going to make it last at all. Oh, yeah. No, absolutely. No, like my fiance is fucking awesome. And that's why. Oh, there we go. That's why I chose her because she's like, we chose each other, I should say. Yeah.
I pick you. You are now mine. Bathe her and bring her to my tent. That's what they say in Mongolia. Yes. You know what they have over there? Marriage by capture. Really? I think Mongolia, absolutely. And definitely Kazakhstan. Oh, yeah. Because Borat did it, remember? Yep. Marriage by capture. And they sometimes do it in modern day era. I read a story recently.
Oh, it probably was five or six, could be ten years ago, but, you know, 21st century. And they did it to the girl working in the video store. What?
Yeah. I love this confluence of the old and the new world. She's working in a video store. You know, that itself is a little out of date. Yeah. But not bad for a content creator. Yeah, they're doing all right there. They've got a copy of Lethal Weapon 2 on VHS. Very exciting the way it's going around.
No, and I believe they... The whole bag on the head, I mean, it's marriage by capture. Wow. You capture the... Remember Borat did it to Pam Anderson? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was from... That's a Kazakhstan custom. Wow. And the fact that they still...
I mean, it's not a common thing, I don't think. Please, Kazakhstan Board of Commerce, I'm not saying you're all going around doing it. You're going to lose that sponsorship here. But these three knuckleheads did it. Now, of course, we have knuckleheads in our country who do crazy shit too. But not Barrage Bay Caps. No. That one, we have not touched that one yet. Yeah. But, you know, who knows? Anyway...
When were we talking about? By my fiancée. No, she's a... Oh, right. You did not capture her. Did not capture her, no. No, she's cool as shit. She's awesome. She's an interior designer. She's awesome with my kids. It's like, we just... And you met on Rayan? Yep, we did. Oh, you did? Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, we just like... It's kind of like we're best friends and we hang out and she likes doing the same stuff I do. I'm interested in the stuff she does and... I'm always curious about that one.
the she's my best friend thing. Yeah. I'm not down with that. You're not down with that? My best friend is Jim Vallely, and I like to keep it that way. Yeah. And a woman can be certainly a best friend, a kind of best friend, but that term...
To me, I want it to... No. Some positions I want to be... Have a man. Because a man can understand another man in a way... I still have guy best friends. Right. And I do a lot of the guy jokes and all that with them. And, you know, but she's cool. I like hanging out with her. But it may be, like, almost too much.
You know, time and, you know, I feel like we freight relationships with so many... Bill, I'm getting the feeling that you don't like being in relationships. Relationships are... You know what? They're a lot of work. That's what fucking relationships are. And I love work. No, um... No, I mean, look, marriage is a lovely institution. I just don't want to live in an institution. Good night, ladies and gentlemen. But, uh... No, I...
Yes. Obviously, I've never gotten married. That's not a coincidence. And it is because relationships are difficult and I'm basically a loner. I mean, that's really what it is. I mean, I need way too much alone time to be in a relationship. You just cannot starve a person as much as I need to. You know, my mistress is my work. And that mistress, you know, never...
Never argues, never lets me down. I've been fortunate because I do a job where I'm, you know, it's my show. I run it. I'm God in my universe, you know? I mean, I know not to do crazy things, and I don't want to do crazy things, but HBO is marvelous. And that has been their model and why they have been such a success, not just my show, every show. They pioneered that, and everybody else finally caught on and imitated this business model of get people you trust, right?
and then let them do their thing. And don't fuck with them with their network notes and the blah, blah. And for years, they owned that all to themselves, as every year they had the best shows and won all the Emmys. And finally, the other networks were like, okay, I think I see what they're doing. They're onto something. Right. Find people you trust and let them make the art that they make. And, you know, HBO's had many flops. John from Cincinnati comes to mind. Remember that show? Yes, I do. And...
Good. That means you're experimenting and trying, and that's what artists do. They sometimes flop. Yeah. This could be a giant disaster. Do you consider yourself a comedian or a TV host? I just did my 12th stand-up special. I get that. I consider that a comedian. Oh, absolutely. But you also have a hugely successful TV show that you host.
I can't be both. Well, you can, but like when you wake up, you're like, I'm a comedian. Absolutely. Okay. I wake up a comedian. Okay. Yes, because I've never done any kind of show that didn't have good comedy in it. Yeah. You know, I mean, I hate earnest TV. By earnest, I mean like...
Just you know, I'm not gonna name names but a lot of cable pundits. Yep. It's a lot of you sir. Okay, you know if you had jokes in here, maybe you can get away with that. Yeah. Like everything shitty that happened in the world happened to you personally. Yeah. And you know, but if you're gonna talk about weighty things, yeah, make it if you can funny.
I mean, that make it and there's a way you get at truth better when you make something funny because people because laughter is involuntary. So anytime people laugh, something in their mind is going, oh, there may be some truth in that. Yeah. But, you know, that's why I get the big bucks. Yeah. You know, they're in the balance of cable and you're on HBO. Yeah.
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Stream new episodes of The Staircase on HBO Max and subscribe to The Staircase Podcast on all major podcast platforms. Ghosts. Ghosts. Because it's interesting, and I know you're the guy to talk to about this. Okay. Because, look, I made the movie Religious. I have a story about that. Okay, let's hit your story. I had someone very close to me at a certain point became born again. Did a handbrake turn to the right.
And I put on religious, religious list for them and they began to. Oh, that's fantastic. Degress out of the mindset. Thank you for telling me that. So thank you. Oh, I've heard from, I would say at this point, because that movie's been on for 12, 13 years from so many people, the same kind of story, like in a way that it's so interesting. You know, I never hear.
You know, I was a big conservative and I'm listening to you and now I'm a flaming liberal. You never hear people switch their politics, people's politics. But I've heard, I'm telling you, it must be a thousand people who've said, oh, yeah, I was religious and I saw that and boy, you're right, it went a bunch of bullshit. It's much easier to switch them on God than Mitt Romney. Yeah, that's kind of odd, right? But ghosts. Yes.
Again, made religious, kind of known as an atheist, and I am. But I also, in the movie, I say, I preach from the Bible, from the gospel of I don't know. I don't say, because that's even Richard Dawkins' position. Yeah. Atheist just means not theist. Doesn't mean I have all the answers. So my issue with this, and I've talked, I think, with somebody else here about this,
I know too many people who are intelligent people who have a ghost story. Yeah. And I've like really bore down like, were you drunk? No, no, I was not on Xanax. I wasn't drunk. It wasn't ambient. I wasn't asleep, you know. And it's just interesting that, and I've always thought anything is possible. We have five senses.
I used to say it's like five stations on a dial. There are other stations that we don't pick up. I know there are. I don't know what they are. But we're not picking... So I'm guessing you're all in on ghosts? Well, but here's the thing. Or are you just curious? I'm very curious. I've had very strange experiences.
But I don't think it's as simple as we're experiencing the consciousness of someone who died in that space and they're haunting it. I don't necessarily think it's that simple. And
You know, I think there could be a couple things. You know, what if in a lot of haunted houses they're old and decrepit? What if people are exposing themselves to some mold, which is causing them to hallucinate? You know, magic mushrooms make you hallucinate. You're right. What if long-term exposure to mold can do that? Well, even short-term exposure to mold can kill you. Yeah, exactly. People die of sick house. Yes. I mean, have you ever seen black on the wall? Get out. Get out.
Yeah, it's scary stuff. So that's like one bucket. The other bucket is like, what if there is some unknown, undetected energy, which when you're exposed to it, kind of like an electromagnetic frequency, you experience hallucinations?
You know, that is one thing I think is entirely plausible. You know, we didn't... What's that? So, like, think about... What causes a hallucination? What if... Okay, so think about people that live under power lines. Then they get... They have a lot of electromagnetic exposure. They'll experience headaches. They'll experience physical symptoms.
What if there is some energy spectrum out there we just don't know exists? No, it could be. And when you're exposed to it, you will have some kind of hallucination. Oh, that's interesting. I'm going to go with that. Yeah. I mean, it's... Thank you. All right. Great to see you. And we're done. That's why I brought you in here. But then there is that thing where people are like, I saw my dad walk in the room and he's been dead 15 years. Right. I mean, could it be a trick?
I guess, but I don't want to be that guy who says, I can't tell how... Well, of course you can't tell how to do the trick, or else you'd be the magician. But there are some things, like, there are mentalist acts, like work, like Barbara Streisand uses one in her concerts. Really? Yeah. Yes, yes. Like, he comes out in the middle and does 20 minutes, like... And again, I don't want to be, oh, I can't tell...
But really, how could you do this? There are people in the audience. No one is that good an actor. You can tell they're not...
And he seems to know things that they're thinking that I don't know how they could be communicating this fast and have it written on the card already. It's just there's just too much. Yeah. I mean, there are scams that I get like the gypsy, the fortune teller. Some of that is just suggestion. Yes. It's it's in that new movie Nightmare Alley. Have you seen that? I have not.
But I know there's a new movie called Nightmare Alley. Yeah, it's with Bradley Cooper. It's the guy who did the one about the fish fucker. Okay. Remember? What was that called? Fucking the fish. It was supposedly very... I don't know what it was. It wasn't boring. Oh, the fucking... Yes. The Shape of Water. Correct. The Shape of Water. That fucking movie was a joke. Yeah, I guess so. It was not as bad as I thought it would be, but I was expecting something horrible.
What a glowing review that is. Bill Morris says, not as bad as I thought it would be. No, this guy's a good filmmaker. I mean, I'm probably not giving it enough. I think that was better than allowing. But this new one, I think, is quite good. He really stuck the landing. And it's about a guy in a circus, like in the 30s. And...
there's that element too of the, he's being trained by someone who does, you know, he, he does a mentalist act and he becomes big doing it. I won't tell the whole movie, but, and a lot of it is with him. He has no special powers. He is just a master at noting, you know, someone comes in with a sailor hat. You like the sea, you know, just, just, you know, you're smoking a joint. You like weed. Yeah.
Yeah, Johnny Carson used to do that character called El Moldo, and he was like a psychic, and he would... There's someone in the audience with an E in their name. But that's a scam. But this guy talking to people 50 rows back and knowing, having written on the card, I just don't know how it's... And it's just...
scary, first of all, to think that someone can read your mind. Yeah, that someone's just tuned differently. You know, I mean, I cannot play music for the life of me, but...
My dad, he's an amazing musician and he can write songs and whatever. I can't fucking do that. And for the life of me, I could never go, oh, I could get on stage, memorize a song and sing it and have it be near as perfect to the way it was recorded. Right. I can't do that. That's so far out of my realm and I'm related to that guy. Right. And so I think there's like certain people out there that just have these weird gifts that science can't really...
prove because it's so subjective. That one is a little easier to grasp, the music one. The music one, yes. But why certain people have that and others don't? Here's my question about the guy who, the mentalist guy, the real Bradley Cooper, who can do it like I've seen it done, that I can't really explain. If you could do that... Mm-hmm.
This is really the best way you can monetize that skill. I knew a psychic who won the lottery twice. You're that smart, but you can't think of a better way to make a lot of money on this rather rare and
I would think, very valuable skill, maybe to another corporation that was wondering what Pepsi was doing. A little corporate espionage. I mean, Putin couldn't use a person like this. Anybody. I mean, this is the best way you can do it. Yeah. You can make money. That's what...
Makes that suspicious to me. Yeah. Well, I think it's, well, I mean, you say Putin. I mean, look at Rasputin. He was, you know, he claimed to be a psychic and he controlled the Tsars before they got kicked out of Russia. Rasputin, yes. I remember his, I think his quote when he died was, they poisoned me, shot me, stabbed me, and drowned me. And then seeing how unpopular I was, I died from a broken heart.
He was very witty, Rusty. Yes. Not so Putin. No, no. I always want to say, how about Putin on a shirt?
Oh, but you were there. I was, yeah. I was just there. Talk about burying the lead. Man, Jack, you got to stop smoking pot. Okay, Ukraine. I was just in Ukraine, yeah. You're so modest. Well, you know. I was doing charitable work. I don't think you should flaunt charitable work.
Okay, but can I hear about it? Sure you can. Yeah, so when did you get back? I got back on, I got back Sunday night. Okay, so hopefully, okay, so you've just been back four days? Yeah. And you're doing this? God bless you. Yeah. Um...
I'm just saying this because that's a rapidly changing situation. Yeah. Hopefully when people are hearing us talk about this, it's all over. It's in a better situation than certainly something's got to be better than having your apartment bombed. Yes. Yeah. It was, it was, listen, I will say this. I went in over the Romanian side. I was, I was there working with an organization that was trying to extract the
special needs orphans. It sounds like a bad pickup line, like I was trying to rescue special needs orphans out of a war-torn country. Just...
boy, I don't want to get behind you online at the pearly gates. Um, but it was, yeah, I knew that guy from the playboy man. Let me tell you about his younger days. Cause he wasn't so much of a fucking hero back then. Let me tell you. It's, it sounds a lot more heroic than it actually was when I was there. Um, just because of the evolving nature of war, like, or devolving, um, they,
They now are extracting the kids. When I was there, we were having a hard time finding them, but we were in Ukraine. This is an organization you've been in before this? I had worked with a part of it. It was two organizations that kind of came together. Okay. And the one that I was with... And they called you and said, we need help in this particular... I reached out to them because I'm an EMT as well. What's that? Emergency medical technician. Oh. So like ambulance kind of stuff.
Done a bit of that. Good guy to have here at Club Random. Right, there you go. I can keep you alive until the paramedics come. Great. I love making new friends. Okay, so...
How many days were you there? I was there seven days. In Kiev? No, I wasn't in Kiev. I was on the western side of the country. I see. So I was based in Romania and we were going in and out. So was there fighting there or have they been gotten there? The closest a strike hit while I was there was about 50 kilometers away. So far enough to where I felt okay. Still fucking hairy. I would not have slept for one minute.
It was okay. I mean, I didn't sleep in Ukraine. We slept in Romania. The hotel was okay? It was someone's house because everyone just opened up. Someone's house, like an Airbnb? Yeah, kind of, yeah. A refugee Airbnb kind of vibe. See, I admire that so much, a celebrity who, you know, is not afraid to rough it. I mean, that's as rough as it gets. Yeah. I mean, it was, I just, I'm so not the person that like,
If I believe in something, I'll go do it. I won't post a fucking picture on Instagram and be like, oh, I... Not many... I mean, Sean Penn is, like, number one on my list of celebrities who walk the walk. Yeah. That motherfucker...
He is a man of action. He's like the, remember that commercial, The Most Interesting Myth? I mean, he really, he was there. Yeah, yeah. He's everywhere. Yeah, I was in Haiti with him. He gets people out of, and he really does it. Remember the El Chapo thing? Yep, fuck. And the hurricane. CIA couldn't find him, but he could. He's like a real life bat
man or some shit. But few do that. There's a lot of... George Clooney, I know, has gone to Darfur. I mean, that's not a... You need a connecting flight to get there. There's no Burbank right to. No, I'm going to use being over 60 as an excuse why I can't be... I can't. I have...
I can't. But you provide a service in another way. Exactly. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. You help enlighten people. Well, you know what? There's also an old saying, don't pity the martyr, he likes his job. Well, yeah. And that's it. If you are suited to
Whatever way you're suited to serve, and you have to know. And if you're going to be impossibly uncomfortable, you can't do it. You're just not built for it. So I'm not built for it. But yeah, I just never like traveling. I'm telling you, even when I traveled in the highest class places in the best European capitals ever,
I was still kind of miserable because I never really sleep. Yeah. The jet lag, I never recover from it. There's always something I want. I mean, travel can be great. It can also be like trying to peel an orange with a can opener at two in the morning and just wanting to go home. And that's me. I just want to go home. You know, I have this saying with my fiancee, I just want to be comfortable.
That's it. I just want to be comfortable. Now, what about this kind of redic traveling that you do now that you're going to be married? Well, I travel a lot. Yeah. It's just kind of what I've always done. You'll come out a little bit. You know?
You must have talked about this. Oh, what, going to Ukraine? No, the idea that you travel and you're going to be the husband. You must have talked about, are you coming with me? Can I come with you? Would it be better if I didn't come with you? Because, you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's a bit of both. When I'm filming, she'll come out with me on the road when I'm doing ghost hunt stuff. When I did the show with my dad, my kids would always come out because it was... Can I make a suggestion? Sure.
Okay, I've said this before, but I'm going to say it always bears repeating. No matter who the two people are, I believe there are only so many fucks in the can. Yeah. Look at that. I made a sale right away. And then you're always trying to get a couple. So my suggestion would be is when you do your thing, don't take her.
save spread it out don't burn it out you probably burned out a lot of it already kids you fell in love and you're probably like jumping all over each other all the time spread it out okay leave leave leave a you know it's like forget the writer I think it was Hemingway or somebody who said he would always like
He would quit writing for the day. He would leave something like half of a sentence in the typewriter so that he came back to it. Oh, interesting. Leave something in the typewriter. Okay, leave something in the typewriter. That's an interesting theory. I'm not opposed to it. She does not travel everywhere with me. But yeah, I think you might be on something there, Bill Maher. I'm just telling you, bro. Yeah.
Because, like, people who, like, work and play together... Yeah. Oh, it rarely ends well. Rarely ends well. Don't you think it's a poor idea? Yeah, I just... I don't think I would ever work with...
My partner in that capacity, like full-time. A little project here and there, like we're redoing a house right now together, and that's working together, and that's about as much as... Well, redoing a house is domestic, and I can see how that could be kind of cute. Yeah. Have you ever redone a house with a woman, Bill? No, but I moved into one with one once, and it was 1992. Ah. And it was... I remember...
We had a boombox player, I guess before we got the stereo system in or something. And the album of choice while we were unpacking was Madonna's Erotica. Oh, okay. Do you know that album? I know of it. I'm not going to say I've listened to it a whole bunch. It's really good. I mean, Madonna never struck me as like the warmest person in the world. But man, you can't front on the...
as far as making great records, especially dance records. And well into the 21st century, when many of my idols of my youth either weren't working or they just lost the magic touch.
Not all of them, but it's hard. It's hard to be a... I mean, your father's still... Yeah. He still fucking, like, goes out and fucking... Yeah. Sings Paranoid and... Yeah. Yeah. You know, when COVID wasn't around. Do you go? Oh, yeah. I mean, I've been to thousands. I mean, I've been to so many of his concerts. Enjoyably? Yeah, it's great. It is. Especially, you know, I think the older I go... Where are you during the concert? I'm backstage floating around. Backstage. But I'll go out to front of house and, you know...
So that's my thing. If I'm going to watch a show, I want to be as close to the mixing desk as possible. Really? Yeah, because that's where the concert is mixed to the desk. So the sound guy out there who's making it sound good, he's making it sound good to his position. So if you're not right where he is...
It sounds like shit. But why is that interesting to you more than like the show itself? What, where I sit and watch it? Because you've seen it a million times. Yeah, and if I'm going to watch it, I'm like, all right, I want to hear it at its best. I see. I see. Okay. Who else do you watch? Who else is on your playlist? Oh, I mean, if I'm going to go to a show, which I don't go to many shows anymore, I'm like, that's another one where you have only so many shows in the can. Yeah.
Before it's just like, all right. Yeah. It's got to be someone I really love. I love Tool. Tool. Tool.
Great band. I know other people who say that. It's one of the best live shows you could ever go to. But it's heavy metal, right? Yeah, it's heavy, but it's cerebral heavy metal. It's not... Well, I've got to give them a shot. I must say that I was turned off by the name. It just sounded douchey. Tool. But that's why they named it Tool. I'm sure they did. You know, sometimes you can be, as the British say, too clever by half. All right, I have to go back to my day job.
What a pleasure to get to know you. It's been great, absolutely. Right? Absolutely. Isn't it? What else would you have done? I would have gone home and complained about the construction of my house.