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Can I just say something? I love you. And I'm prefacing this by, no, I love you. I think you're bright. I think you're funny. I don't get a chance to talk to you outside of this. Well, this is fantastic. I love you too. No, I really do. I do too. In fact, so much so that I'll get back to this because I jump all over the place. But in the last couple of months, and I know you don't, I'm not talking, I'm not bringing up anything you do on your other show, but you have referenced me and
And you always say... Many times. Yes. And you reference me by... And in my special. Right. And we don't want to raise a bunch of Howie Mandels. Correct. Can I just say something? Yes. I took that like a badge of honor. I was so moved. I loved it. The first time I... Yes. Okay. The first time I referenced you was early in the pandemic. Right. And it was much more involved. But it was the same premise that...
But it was so respectful to you because, and this, see, I have proof that I love you because it's on tape and you can see it. And I remember it was like, you know, Howie Mandel, we all know Howie. We all love Howie.
Right. I said that. But I don't take it as a. I know, no, no, I know. And then I said, by his own admission, and I quoted you. Right. Saying, I wouldn't wish this, whatever the quote was. Right. You know, because I know it is a burden. This is a fucking burden. Right. And I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. That's right. So I'm. And you're a very smart guy who knows what he's saying. That was not a slip of the tongue. And I'm glad you've mentioned it many times. But every time you mention it, I get a barrage. Oh, man.
And I don't know if you get the same thing. I get a barrage on social media. Do you know what the fuck he said about you? Do you know he's putting you, like it's so misinterpreted as far as like he's making fun of your mental health. I don't do the show or say the things I say for the benefit of slow people who can't follow interesting conversation. I just don't. That's why we're here at Club Random.
We don't have dummies here, and I can't stop the dummies from coming. Well, I wanted to come here to tell you that I love what you do. Thank you. I watch everything that you do. Thank you. And I did not expect, I've never been, you've never invited me over. You've never invited me over. This sounds like the beginning of The Godfather. No, but just look at this place. It really is. You'll never ask me to come for coffee again.
And I come here on the day of my daughter's wedding. You're doing impressions. I remember watching your stand-up. You're doing impressions. That is not justice. Can I just say something? You're moved. That's a talent. It's not a buzzer, a golden buzzer. I would send you on to the next. I'll take you to Hollywood. You're going to Hollywood. I must say, pursuant to this theme that we've struck out on, this little endeavor of sitting here
and doing this podcast, it's been, the number one reason of wonderfulness is because there are so many people, not so many, but Dr. Drew was here, Adam Carolla, Mike, people who like, I like, and I'm not young anymore. I've known them a long time, like I've known you a long time, and I never really knew them. And in an hour, I feel like we took our relationship from nice, nice, nice, to here, oh, I know this person.
Right, and you could talk about anything here. And that's why I wanted you here. I wouldn't invite someone here who I didn't feel that way about. But I got to tell you. This is not a place where you're going to, you know. You know, I'm a recluse. It's not an interview. It's not a. No, it's just hanging, and I love this. Yes. See, I'm a recluse. I am. I don't know that people know that about me. Well, they would infer that from the disease. Right. Right.
You're not going to be at Coachella. No, I've never gone. I have no desire to go. It doesn't even sound like fun. You're not going to body surf? Nothing, nothing. You're not going to surf surf? No, I don't want to touch things. The point is, that's why I was scared being here. I didn't know. So don't pass the joint.
No, I'm sober right now. I mean the clove. No, I was a big smoker. Oh, really? Yes. So I'll tell you that. I'm halfway through three stories and I haven't said anything. But that's okay. I am. That's okay.
Welcome to Club Random. COVID fucked me up royally because of you don't want to be Howie Mandel's. And my panacea was you're holding it. I was smoking a lot. That's my brand, panacea. Yes. But I smoked a lot. I can't do anything in moderation. Is that right? Nothing.
So I would, if I smoke, I have to smoke till I'm not conscious. And if I can't get enough pot till I'm not conscious, I would take a drink. And then if there wasn't enough to drink, I would eat like seven gummies.
And if I'm not, until I was so... I can do virtually everything in moderation. Really? What makes you just a careful type of person who doesn't like to induce pain or things that could make me unhappy in my life? But sometimes I'm unhappy and I don't want pain or anything, so to be numb or unconscious is an easier place to be, right? Can I ease your mind? Sure.
If you can, you'd be a miracle worker. I'm a mess. Spare a minute to ease your mind. Go ahead.
Wouldn't it be weird if, like, I'm going to be 67 this year. Me too. Well, next year. 55? Were you born in 55? 56, January. I'm born in 55. What month? November. So we're two months apart. We're two months apart. But wouldn't it be weird if- We could have almost crawled out of the same womb. Yes. Thank God we didn't. That poor woman for two months. Yes. I don't want to share a pussy with you. But the point that I'm making is that for 66 years I have suffered, and
And I'm medicated, and I go to therapy, and I've talked to a psychiatrist. Wouldn't it be weird if I was totally cured, like right now on your podcast, by you? Well, now that we've built it up this way, I realize it's really not that impressive, but it's kind of impressive. What were you going to say? The Queen. Of England? 96. Yes. She made it. She what? COVID. Well, it's not the fear of COVID. Oh. It's not the fear. You know, it's the fear. Well, it was...
You see, I have fear of just getting, I got COVID by the way. And I'm here. Everyone has COVID. Yeah. This is my second day. This is the second day I have been negative. You know, I was, I was, I was positive. And you kept the booking. What a man of honor. Yeah. But I've been, I was positive for like three weeks, but I wasn't that sick. But just recently. Yeah. Right. Cause it, it's not that.
I don't like, it's the, so OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder is just this, when you are cognizant of the fact that your thoughts and your fears are not making sense, but you can't stop that thought or that fear and it becomes repetitive so much so that you have to, it stops your life. Yeah.
See, I know that shaking somebody's hand. Right. It's a kind of exquisite torture when you're one half of your brain knows something, but the other half can't follow it. Right. Or can follow it, but you can't do anything about it. Like I can say in the midst of any of these things, I can go, this is fucking nuts. This is fucking. And that drives you. I understand I've used this analogy before, but Howard Hughes was a. Yes.
I brought him up in that same editorial where I brought you up. Right, he was a very intelligent man who ended his final years alone in a room, naked, pissing into bottles. I can't tell you how close I am to that every waking moment of my life. And the thing about it was...
One of the many things that I talk about and I have met throughout the years is germaphobia is not the biggest issue I have. It is repetitive thoughts and rituals and things that just stop me. But sometimes, like anybody else, if you shake somebody's hand and you feel it's a little bit, you go, oh, it's a little clammy. And then you can move on in your life.
I go, it's a little bit clammy and I go, I'm going to go wash my hands. And then I go wash my hands and I go, you know, I didn't, I didn't, I don't think I got everything. And then I got to go back and I go back and I go back and I could spend hours just, and at the same time, simultaneously, I'm going, are you fucking nuts? Nothing's going to happen to you, Howie.
And even if you did get a cold from this person, what the fuck are you going to do? Get out of the bathroom. Stop screaming at everybody. Stop locking yourself away. And I don't have the power to stop myself. And therein lies the rub.
Yeah, that's kind of a torture. So what happened during COVID was there was some comfort in, you know, everybody making fun of the fact that I, you know, fist bump. There was some comfort in my world going, Howie, don't worry about it.
Howie, the queen, she's fine. Howie, nobody is sick here. So when the whole world shut down, misery doesn't love company. And I was in the most miserable place in the world. And it was this nightmare that I couldn't get out of. And the only way that I could possibly shut down was just to black out. What do you think plants such a thing in your brain? Where does it begin? You say right from the beginning with you?
Like why? Why you? What got in your brain? I'll tell you. I know exactly what got in my brain. Really? Yes. And when? I'll tell you. OCD is, you know, the inability to – it's like a skipping record, right? Regardless of what the thought – somebody has to walk in the door. They have to tap the door three times. And they can't walk into a room. They tap it three times. My germophobia – I had OCD. Okay.
How it was going to affect me was molded by when I was five years old, I was in Miami and I was sitting on the beach and I got bit by a sandfly. And the sandfly laid its larva in my hand. I didn't know this. And I had like these mosquito bites when I went home and they were really itchy. I remember being a little kid and I would scratch the mosquito bite and then I'd watch the mosquito bite crawl away under my arm.
And then all over my body, I had these things growing under my skin and they would scratch away. So my mom took me to a dermatologist. The dermatologist went fucking nuts. He goes, this is great. And we're having an international dermatology convention this week. Can I bring your son?
and they brought me, I'll never forget this. They brought me, I was probably five or six years old. They brought me and I was sitting in, um, uh, it was kind of like, I guess it was a theater and they put me on a gurney. They tied me down to the gurney. They took off my clothes. I'm standing there, my tight, lying there in my tighty whities. And the guy explains that we haven't seen this in humans before. This is, um, cattle get this disease where, uh, sandflies lay their larva under the skin. And, and
And people are asking questions. What do you think you're going to do? He says, I'm going to tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to get rid of them with liquid nitrogen. And they brought in a tank. Liquid nitrogen is like dry ice. It's crazy cold. No, I'm not a science major. But they freeze it, but essentially they burn it.
I had no anesthesia or anything. And he starts dropping the liquid nitrogen on these bumps. And I remember a blood-curdling scream. And I look at my skin. It was sizzling. And these larva bumps were bubbling up and they were...
Like he was burning me alive. My mother screamed, ran up, ripped off the, they had me tied down so I wouldn't move under this thing. Took me to the car and took me home and wouldn't take me to the doctor. And then every night what my mom would do, we would pick one.
And she took a dry, rough cloth every night. At first it started really good, you know, felt good. And she would rub it and rub it and rub it and rub it until my skin would break and bleed and the eggs, the larva would come out.
And over the, it took a year to get them all. We would do one a night and they were all gone. From that time on, I never wanted to touch anything. And that's, that embedded in my mind. I don't want to touch anything after hearing that story. Sorry. I know. No, it's just funny. It's so harrowing. It's so. It's traumatic. Well, and also, yes, it's true. Honestly, it's traumatic just listening to it because you realize that the littlest thing
that you could not in any way prevent. So as a control freak, this makes my alarm bells go off because I guess I could prevent this if I just never went on a beach, but that's not going to happen. I go on beaches. But it didn't have to be sand crabs or whatever it was. It could be anything that could happen tomorrow. But I think the PTSD of it all is the fact, and maybe triggering my OCD, is the fact that if I shake your hand and I feel a little bit
of sweat, then my mind goes to, oh, there is something in my skin. There's something on my skin. There's something foreign there. It's going to get in there. And it's kind of like if you go to war, you know, if somebody slams a door, it's not a gunshot. But again, I think this is still, we're describing this phenomenon of one part of your brain understands the discussion we're having. And the other part, the lizard part,
shall we call it. Yes. You know, and I'm just wondering if there's a way to hypnotize you or something. I've tried everything. I've tried hypnosis. I'm sure you have, of course. And I've gone everywhere. You know, that saying of ignorance being bliss is ridiculous.
It's true. Right. I wish I was ignorant. I wish I wasn't aware of who was. I wish I didn't understand what happened to me when I was a child. I wish. And I do suffer. So when you, when I hear you on television saying, we don't want this happening to other people. Right. And the reference is the Howie Mandel. We don't want to raise that. And I feel this way. Like when I have grandchildren now and I was concerned, what do you mean?
It's just depressing that my friends now have grandchildren. I've had grandchildren for a year. I've been married for 42 years. Me too. No, you have.
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But hurry, the Memorial Day sale ends May 30th. You know, as a kid, I always dreamed that one day I'd grow up and I'd be invited into these, I'd have money and I'd be able to go into these clubs and into these places and see these places. I never dreamed that I would know somebody that builds these places in his own backyard. I certainly didn't build this.
But you have it. I have it. But, I mean, it's not that impressive. It's just cool. But look, it's a little Ratzkeller. People call it a man cave. It's not a man cave. Man cave is for married guys. I don't know who you're... There's a fucking singing bass on the wall. I'm telling you that you're... It's a cool little nightclub.
And everybody's going, wow. And you have, I'm not going to give away where you live, but there are acres out there. You have gardens. You have, explain to me the- There's no, I'm telling you- You have a trampoline. I have a trampoline.
Why do you have a trampoline? So what? A trampoline is very good for your health. The lymph system. The lymph system. You're fucking with me. I am not fucking with you. In fact, you know. The image, I'm not high, but the image of you alone jumping up and down on the trampoline is really. I do it. I want to laugh. I'm laughing on the inside. I do it every day and this is the kind of thing that we can get. Alone on a trampoline. Alone on a trampoline. The Bill Maher story.
uh, my career, my career, I have an image now, up and down, up and down, but you're just standing there, not smiling. Nobody's there. First of all, it's good for the lymph. It's fun. It's fun. And you know, this is the kind of thing I,
I am healthier than most people in this country who, like you, laugh at me when I say things like that. Oh, you're so funny. I find it so interesting. Body positivity. Obesity, the most unhealthiest thing you can do. But are you being serious? But that's body positivity. But if you live very healthy, you're a health nut. Aaron Rodgers, he's a nut. Kyrie Irving, nut. Djokovic. These are nuts. But they're not nuts. And there is...
a very good reason why you would want to stimulate your lymph gland on a trampoline because unlike the heart, the lymph does not have a pump. Right. And that motion is very good and the lymph gland gets rid of toxic material. Maybe there is an answer to your problem that involves alternative thinking to just the, maybe there's a physical part of it. Maybe it involves the lymph gland. Maybe if you got on that trampoline, we would be having a completely different discussion. I'm going to, can I jump on it later? Yeah.
You should jump on this idea. That's what you should jump on. You know what's so weird? Everything you're saying makes so much sense. It does. But I saw that on the outside. I have to tell you that it went from a ridiculous image that I couldn't get out of my head to you just sold me. I'm going to go home now and I'm going to get a trampoline. And I'm going to go, honey, I'm in the back. Absolutely. Are you being serious? I am totally being serious. Are you fucking with me? I'm not fucking with you. The trampoline, it's...
Look at it up on your – get your magic light box and Google it. It's – I'm going to continue.
No, no, no. What do I Google? Like, I want to, I think you're fucking with me because I'll go out. I mean, trampoline lymph. I would, you know. So people, because I asked everybody, what is that trampoline? They didn't know. Nobody said he does that for exercise. But even if I just wanted to have it for Jimmy Kimmel to come over with the girls on trampolines. Then it makes sense. Then I wouldn't even laugh at that. That is ridiculous. But the fact that you are,
Are going, you know, I can't do the meeting now. I got a half hour of jumping to do. It's not a half hour. It takes like a minute. One minute of jumping a day? Yes, that would be fine. Trampoline lymph? I think so. I think if you Googled trampoline. Trampoline lymphatic system. There you go. Are you being, bounce away, lymphatic trampoline. And the lymph. The health, perfect for seniors? Yes.
Old people should be on trampolines. Yes, everybody should. Look at this. The benefits of the Bellicon mini trampoline. Weight control, back pain, osteoporosis. I was making cardio, the immune system. Diet isn't even important. We've got to bounce to health. Everything is important, but this certainly, you never, see, here's the thing. You never know exactly, because my big theme of medicine is that
Everyone overestimates how far we are along in understanding the human body. My view is that we're at the infancy. Just because we aren't as dumb as we were 100 years ago, we were just painfully dumb then. And now we're just not, we're very dumb. So you think we're all going to die and you're going to be on your trampoline alone? No, I don't think I can prevent my death either.
But I'm just saying, as long as... They can't figure your shit out. They can't figure cancer out. There's lots of stuff they haven't figured out. I'm not saying, hey, you dummies, why don't you get on it? I can't even, like, approach the problem. It's not my area. How did you know about that? Did your doctor tell you to do that? It's not that...
hard to find information like that. But I would never put lymphatic system and trampoline in the same search. No, but if you had read one book on alternative medicine, you would have come across that. Really? Yes. The trampoline? Because I do read. It's a major part of like...
Not major, yes, but it's something that every... I've read it a million times in books that are talking about how can we get away from the pharmaceutical approach where everything is handled with either pharmaceutical or surgery? How can we keep ourselves healthy so we don't need these heroic incursions later in life? And at some point... It's always just been the trampoline. It's...
No, but the fact that it was there and we didn't know to cure it. But I love the way you keep making this a great sketch by coming back to that. You
You're right. That's exactly how you make this a great sketch. You just keep coming back to every time I get old, high and mighty, it's the fucking... So you read it, it's real, but you're still okay with mocking it because underneath you're the comedian. And you see, this is the comedic route. You realize it's true, but the premise is too good. Right, but a sense of...
Humor is that you can sense the humor in everything, in the darkness, in the reality, in information. Right. And my approach is always humor. Okay. Always. Always.
And sometimes it gets me in trouble because then you have a great sense of humor. The person that I'm talking to thinks that I'm belittling the idea. Now let's talk about how good it is to put vegetables in your anus. That one, I'm kidding. I just thought as long as I've got you going. You put a carrot in your ass because hindsight is 20-20. Oh, you didn't just make that up.
I've never put a carrot in my ass. Oh, that's such an amazing joke, though. Oh, thank you. Hindsight ass? Is 2020 a carrot? No, are you explaining it to me? I mean... I just said it. I know, but that's like, you'd think it would take weeks to come up. That's a great joke. I'm not so funny around the house. I've carried up my ass because hindsight... That's one of those where you're like...
Who would call me now? Certainly. I don't know who it is. I know who it is. Oh, you do? It's the people who make trampolines. I gave them your number. You know that as much as I'm making fun of this, you know that I'm going to have a trampoline in my backyard tomorrow. I'm so neurotic about looking for and I'm open to anything.
I'm open to almost anything. Am I saying this is going to cure you? Of course not. But one less thing. I'm not going to worry about my lymphatic system. Your lymphatic system is so important. I know. And people don't, people underplay our lymphatic system. In fact, when they say, how are you? When the average person comes up to you and says, how are you? They're not even concerned about your lymphatic system. Stop calling. Can't you, do you know how to turn it on? No, I don't know how to. That's the problem. People don't know how to turn that front on. Okay. Um,
but I had it on because you weren't here when this started.
I was like right on time, wasn't I? No. No? No. You had people. This is your house. Okay. And I heard people yelling outside. Do you have Bill? Okay. Does anybody have Bill? So Mike went 10 minutes over, 10 minutes. This is show business. That's not that bad. No, I don't mind waiting. And then I was five minutes. Well, you are. I was neurotic. I thought it was a joke on me. I was sitting here. There's cameras. There's lights. I thought you were going to do something to me. I
I felt I was going to be left alone. I always feel like there's a joke on me. I always feel like people are fucking with me. Is that right? I do. I do. Yes, of course. You thought I was with the limp thing. I always think it. I didn't have a friend in the world as a kid. And I just think that people were always, they're either fucking with me or they're yelling at me or they're mad at me. But how are you?
I have, like, even if I was a bad person, I have so no reason to fuck with you. Nor would I, out of respect. Thank you. Even if, even if I didn't think you were a tremendous talent and, you know. Thank you. Like, we started around the same time. We did. And, you know. What year did you start? 79. I started 77.
But we're the same age, so it's basically the same thing. And like, you know, it's a little like being in the army where you go into battle and a lot of guys get killed. Right. And, you know, we're like two guys who made it through the battle.
Not that what we do. I think we're just heading into it now. Don't you feel that? No, I mean the battle of like show business. I feel like we're just heading into a battle. Well, we're both doing fine. No, I'm saying we're still working. That's what I mean. We're in show business. We're communicating, right? We succeeded. Yeah. We could afford a trampoline. Okay. Well, a lot of guys didn't. I know. They gave up. Well, you know, there's a million reasons why it doesn't happen. And a lot of it is luck.
Sometimes you're just lucky and there are some very talented people who just were sort of in the wrong era or the wrong place at the wrong time. And then where did they go? They stopped. Well, they did something else. That stopped. You didn't stop. Well, don't you think that's what it is? I always think the difference between somebody who is... Come on, I'm trying to be nice to the losers.
No, I'm kidding. But I'm thinking that. But it is true. Luck is an element. It is absolutely an element. In everything we do. The fact that you cross the street and you don't get hit by a car is luck. Well, you know, it's a complete luck. No. Fluke. Wealth.
What makes a person wealthy? Wealthy, you're talking about financially? Yes. Do you think that's luck? Well, if you're born with rich parents, that's luck. That's how you were born. If you can throw a baseball 100 miles an hour, you can make a lot of money. That would not have made you a lot of money in 1780.
That was lucky. You're right. You're born at the right time. It's fluke. I mean, look at us. We did very well. But isn't it? Because why? We are jokesters, you know? Right. Well, there was a time when that would not have paid very well. But you know what? Here's what I always say about
is most people in life, our philosophy in life, I always talk about this, you know at hump day, you always hear them advertise hump day. Well, here at this call, Brandon, I would imagine that's every other day. Oh,
When you're not on the trampoline. But the connotation is Wednesday. You're halfway through a week of doing, of just trotting along in this shithole of a job, doing what you don't want to do to maybe, hopefully, the brightest spot is to get to the weekend to just not do the shit you don't want to do, but not do anything. Nobody, most people don't wake up in the morning excited about something to do.
Even if that something is even a stamp collection, nobody has passion about anything. Most people don't know you're supposed to go to school. You get a job, you pay the rent, you get married, you have kids. It's not fun. That's what you do. That's the difference between a job and a career job. You don't enjoy it. You're just doing it a career.
But it doesn't even have to be a career. I swear to you, I swear to you that I would be, I don't sound like a happy guy, but I feel happy. There are portions of my life that are very satisfying. And one of them is comedy. And when I found comedy by accident, April 19th, 1977, yuck yucks in Toronto, I got dared to go on that stage. And I had never been on stage before. I didn't aspire to be a comedian. I didn't aspire to be in show business. I didn't want to do it.
I also have ADHD. One of the effects of ADHD is you don't think of ramifications. You just act out or react to. And I said, okay. And thinking that the joke would be, I didn't, I didn't prepare thinking the joke would be, they'd go, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel. And my two people that I knew in the audience would laugh that I got introduced. Why the fuck am I being introduced? I'm not a comic.
And I went on stage. They went, ladies and gentlemen, Howie Mandel. And I walked on the stage. And then I realized there's, no, this is not a joke. And I'm standing there by the mic. And I see the lights. And terror just spreads.
Drip through me and it was just terrified I'm looking at all these strangers and I started going and if you look at all my old YouTube videos you look at all I started going oh Okay. All right. Okay. All right. What oh, okay. Okay, and my fear people started giggling at my fear So that was that's me the origin of the origin of everything and I'm going okay. Okay Okay, and they started giggling at my fear and then I start going what what okay? All right. All right, and I put my hands in my pocket and
And in my pocket I had rubber gloves because if I'm out in public-- - The first time you had the rubber gloves? - Yeah, because I go to public bathrooms. I didn't want to touch anything.
Whoa! Of course! So I take a rubber glove. I don't know what to do. Now it's all making sense in this movie. And I just pulled it over my head. I couldn't think of what to do. I just want to fucking die. I wanted to hide. And I pull it over my nose, and I'm breathing. The fingers are going up, and the audience is going crazy. And I pop it off. I blow it up, and I pop it off my head, and I heard them all applaud. I went, good night, and I ran. And Mark Breslin, who owns the club, says, you've got to come back tomorrow night. And I go, tomorrow?
to do what? He goes, do what you did. And I go, what the fuck did I do? He goes, no, it was great. And I started going there and it was the first time in my life where I got enveloped by, you know, I felt, I never felt a room full of people like enjoying my presence.
I never felt like just to be enveloped in laughter and joy. And I promise you, if I was a janitor today, if one time a week I could go show up at a club and be embraced by an audience, to me, I don't care about notoriety or how much money I have. Laughter doesn't have to physically touch you.
That's why it's great for you. It really is. It is. It is. But it touches me without touching it. Of course, but not physically. You're right. I never even thought of that. That's it. So that's like this visceral embrace that I always am looking for. And now- That's your breakthrough. It is. I'm sorry, our time's up.
No, and now it's harder than ever. Now, and I swear to you, I want to be once a week, but now I have a fear. But the part of your brain that can still fucking think, I mean, it must recognize that you, you know, have stayed on television for, I mean, the American public knows
doesn't keep people around on TV in various forms for decades unless they like them. They just like them. But I think. They like you. You might disagree with me. They even like me. I don't. They love you. That's just how far the taste can go. But it's because you enjoy what you do. Of course. And you're incredibly authentic to what you do. And you're not a people pleaser as much as you're a bill pleaser.
And it just so happens. Which makes me a people pleaser. Right. To the right people. Right. But you can, people can smell. Not the wrong people. But there's always more people that don't like, you know, I've told the story so many times. I don't care about them.
The people that don't like you? But I become aware. You can't. In the 80s when I hit hard. Because then you'll piss off the people who do like you. Right. But, you know, I tell this story many times. When I finally, when I hit after I did my first HBO special, I sold out Radio City Music Hall two shows in one night. Wow. In the 80s. Yes, I remember when you were a sensation. I was. Not anymore, but I was. Now you're just sensational. Right. Right.
You only get to be a sensation once. Right. But I sold it out, and I remember, you know, I'm a putz from Toronto, and 7,000 people were teaming out onto 7th Avenue or wherever the radio city is in between shows, and 7,000 people were coming in, and I'm in the dressing room, and my wife and I are looking out the window in Manhattan, and, you know, there's 14,000 people in the street going in and out. There's stanchions, and there's cops, and there's...
And my wife goes, "This is all for you. "This is all for you. "What are you thinking? "What are you thinking? "I mean, this is not even a dream you had. "It was just years ago." Like at that time it was like seven or eight years ago. "You were a goof buff selling carpet in Toronto. "Like, what are you thinking?" And I said, "If you want to be honest, "this is what I'm thinking."
That this is a city of 10 million and 9,886,000 people don't give a fuck I'm here. Well, that is certainly looking at the bong as half empty. Yes, it is. But there's always more people that don't agree with you, that don't like you. And I rest on that. That's cray cray.
Okay, you need the trampoline. I do. But let me ask you this. At that moment, when you're at the Paramount Theater like Frank Sinatra, and you look out the window, and there are all the Bobby Soxers lined up around the block to see you. Maybe I'm mixing these two stories up. But I know you're in a hotel. I know you're looking down on people. Not in a bad way, just there. Just for measurement. Right, and they're all there to see you. And you said you were there with your wife.
On Heart of Hearts, did you think, oh, boy, I wish I was single right now because, I mean, you know. No, I'll tell you this. You're not going to believe this. You're not going to believe this. They have germs. Groupies have germs. I thought that. Is that? I thought that. But, you know, you want to know something? I've never been able to –
Get an erection. It's a great game show. Just finish my sentence. No, I didn't want to fuck anybody that wanted to fuck me because I'm successful. Oh, you...
You definitely need my therapy. Yeah. You're going to have to come twice a week. But I didn't. You know, it always, I just wanted people to like me. I just want to be, I want somebody to like me. I don't want somebody to, to, you know what, to want to fuck me because they saw me on TV acting like an idiot, putting a glove on my head. That's never been, I really crave people to, to like me. Does that sound really weird?
No, that's common in show business. I mean, I crave that. Nobody would be on the stage unless they crave people to like them. It depends on what you do with that. If it's like this. But why would I want to fuck somebody just because they saw me on TV?
I don't know, but it's a very popular thing to do. I can't get enough. Just in the world over. I mean, people, come on. Don't make this about me. When people enjoy... Wait, wait, wait. When I say fuck somebody just because they see it on TV, it's not only you. You're not the only... That's what I'm saying. You made it about you. No, I didn't. I was... Look, when men...
You know, men, they're just scallywags. And so, you know. Are you a pirate? I haven't heard that term, scallywags. Well, I was trying to, you know. Have you ever raped and pillaged? You know what, Harry, a lot of children watch this podcast and I want to clean it up for them. Men are scallywags. They are. Oh, enough of these shenanigans. So when they are presented with temptation from the opposite sex,
or today the same sex group, trans sex, I don't know. Whatever sex is tempting to you, they have a predilection through history of being weak. Weak. They're weak. I get being horny and just want to fuck. I get that.
But there's something about, you know, I feel, I don't want to feel that. Now I sound like a... I don't want to be used. You don't want to be used. I don't want to be used. I want you to like me if you're going to fuck me. I don't mind being used. Just put me back where you found me. That's my policy. Is that weird? I'm very old-fashioned. I guess I'm not a scallywag. I thought... As one from...
Have you ever used that outside of this? Like, have you ever said that just really serious to somebody? Or, you know, Dave. That word. That Dave is such a scallywag. I...
Well, you're saying, I think it's Scalawag. Well, I was just tired. This is the first time I've heard it in a long time. It's Scalawag? I don't know. I think Scalawag is Canadian. I don't even know what it is, and we could be canceled tomorrow for saying it. I have no idea. The people of Scalawag. In today's atmosphere. Do you want me to Google that? I've Googled... No. Okay? No, no. No. I don't see you often. No phones. No, I know, but the point is that...
I've never... We'll find out later. The fact that I've spent this much time with you, I've never had to Google so much stuff.
lymphatic system on the trampoline and a scallywag. And then if you look, if my wife looks through my history of what a scallywag and lymphatic, I was at Bill's. I was at Bill's. Why do you have trampolines, lymphatic system, and scallywag? Marr. It's Marr. If that is the worst thing she finds on your phone, she's a very lucky woman because, you know, husbands have horrible things on their phones.
browser history. I don't have horrible things. No, you don't. Have you ever said, like, you're a single guy, I want to know, have you ever taken a dick pic? No. No. I can't imagine. Like, if I'm not, I'm not single or anything, but I can't even imagine, like, because I'm so, I live so much outside of myself. I can't imagine just the, like, so I don't know what, like, I wouldn't know
How to light it? I don't know how to, like, where do you, is my, like, how do you even do that? I'd have to hold it farther away, but that's just me. I see what you did there.
But no, by the time they had dick pics on the phone, I was already old enough to know this is a stupid idea. And first of all, I don't think there's any woman in the world who ever wants for almost any reason to get a dick pic. But that's what I'm saying. It's so obvious to people who are older. But I guess when you're in your 20s, you think this is going to be just a winner. And it's amazing you could be that stupid. But I know people in their 20s are that stupid.
People older than their 20s. And older than their 20s, absolutely. Yes. But not certainly by the time the phone was around. I just wouldn't be, that's just who I am. Well, I don't understand pictures at all. It's just a gross...
imposition kind of a thing to do and it's egomaniacal and you know if you want someone to see it in person don't send the picture it's just it's just it's hard to bring lighting with you it's a fundamental miscalculation of your core audience which is women
That is your core audience you're trying to reach. It is a fundamental miscalculation of how that is going to be received. But don't you think that the thought is this. The thought is, I want her to see my penis. No, no, no. But I want, I just, that's what I want. Right. But I know here I have more control over lighting and angles. Right. So to bring, like if you know you're going to drop your pants, you don't have to set up lighting. You don't have to change the lens. You don't have to do that. Right.
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Now go even deeper inside your favorite shows with audio companions to some of the most groundbreaking and award-winning shows on television. The HBO Max series Hacks is back. Oh, good, with a new season and a new companion podcast. In each episode, Hacks creators Lucia Aniello, Paul W. Downs, and Jen Statsky will be joined by a special guest host like Hannah Einbinder, Darcy Carden, Susie Essman, and more. Unpack each episode of Deborah and Ava's hijinks.
Listeners will hear stories from the show's writers, room, on set, and the world of stand-up and entertainment that inspired the show. You can listen to the official Hacks podcast on HBO Max and wherever you get your podcasts. I don't understand the whole, this whole, this is what makes me feel old. I don't understand pictures anyway. I mean, I don't understand the internet. Like everybody's taking, you go into a restaurant and they serve food and you could look at any other table and they're taking pictures of their guests.
You know, all this time, when things were served to me...
Years and years ago when people didn't have the phone, I never heard anybody at the table going, oh, my God. Does anybody have a camera? I mean, that's a millennial cliche. I think there was a time when they did that more. I think it became such a joke that they don't do it as much anymore. But, I mean, you're bigger. Selfies, everything. Of course. But, sweetheart, it is not just millennials. Sweetheart? Sweetheart? Sweetheart?
Where do you get these references? My mom doesn't even call me sweetheart. Everybody does it. People our age do the same thing. They always need a picture. Yes, plenty of people like that. That's the thing I hate most. I don't like my picture taken. No, I don't either.
It's personal. It's unnecessary. I can remember this. I have a memory, you know? But who stands in front of the Eiffel Tower just still and smiles? Like, why does that... What are you capturing? Right. You're capturing... You don't do that in life. You know what bugs me is that they tell the audience many times before when I'm doing stand-up on the road at the theater, don't take pictures. And then you walk out and there's people taking pictures. I mean, it's like...
Of course you do. Well, I hate even that they record. I don't do what... And recording would be even more outrageous because that's your act. Do you do what Chappelle does? Do you put yours in the... No. No. You put it in a bag? Yeah. He owns that company, doesn't he? Yonder. Oh, is that right? I think he's an investor in that company. Well, I mean, that to me is too much of an imposition on my audience to make them put their phone... Are you scared now? Doing stand-up? No, but...
You know what? I was always one of the more controversial type comics. But that's why I'm asking you. No, I mean, like, look, you can't go through what I do scared, you know. But do you not feel that, because I got to tell you, from the Academy Awards to what happened with Chappelle at the Hollywood Bowl, I'm rocked. And I'm rocked to the core in the world.
I'm a scared person as it is anyway, and I worry anyway. You don't know who's out there. No, that's a triggering thing. And you are even more. And I think violence triggers violence. I can see that's a triggering thing for you. So you don't think now that there has been a dam has been busted or cracked? Yes, I talked about it when Will Smith did it before this. I mean, this war on jokes must end.
But even if it's a war on jokes, it was cancel culture. Now it is. Yes, I agree. You can beat the shit out of a guy because I don't like the joke. Yeah. I told somebody today, when we got into the business in the 70s, the worst thing that would happen was somebody wouldn't laugh. You might get heckled. Right. Somebody will get up and walk out. Somebody will come up to you after the show and go, what the fuck are you saying that about my wife? Or if you open for a rock band, you could have stuff thrown at you to get you off the stage.
Not usually harmful, you know, soft beer bottles. But now it's right in your face. Yeah.
But, I mean, the fundamental problem there, I think, is that the younger generation does not understand free speech. They were not taught free speech. They are so fucking spoiled and entitled to them not having a moment's discomfort with something that they don't agree with or that they find offensive. That so supersedes what we think of as the most important thing, which is free speech. Right.
Well, you know, you want to know, I think you spoke about this many years ago. I did many years ago. And I think it's before we were all woke, I stopped going to colleges.
Oh, yes. But you would think when we started in the business, you wanted to play the colleges. And I did in the 90s. And so did I. And through the 80s, I did a tour with Mike Binder. I'd do the show and then I'd go to the frat party. Right. Like with the college kids. Right. It was amazing. And I would tour every college. And then I think it was the 90s, like the late 90s when it started, they were the first
that said, you know, you can't... I can't remember what it was, but you can't refer... Whatever we were referring to, whatever our culture was, whatever... They were the first... Well, I mean, everybody stopped playing. Even clean comics. No, yeah, it was just a tough place. Well, they just... But that kind of seeped out into our whole world. Yeah, a little bit. A little bit. People are getting knocked down because...
You can't say this. You can't say anything about somebody with alopecia. You can't say anything about... I've been banging this drum for a long time. Right, but that is... There are people who will literally take the side that, oh, come on, there isn't really cancel culture. Really? Just among comedians. I mean, our dear recently departed friend Gilbert Gottfried. Oh, my God. He got canceled. For a joke on Twitter.
Many jokes. But that's who he was. But that's what comedy is. Comedy is about provoking. Kathy Griffin. I could go through it. Louis. I mean, there's a long list. Roseanne. No, I'm not talking about, I'm talking about just, and there's a smaller list, but still Aziz, of people who were canceled, not even for behavior, just because. They were accused. Well, or just we don't like the joke.
You know, Kathy Griffin, we don't like that joke. I mean, that was from the right. Right. But I talk about this all the time. You know, one of the highlights of my entire career was coming out here in the, you said you started in 79. Were you out here? No, New York. Okay. So I was out here in 79 or 78 and Richard Pryor was going on at the comedy store every night, cobbling together live at the Sunset Strip, which is the seminal. Yeah. Yeah.
He kind of taught me. I hold him in such reverence. He, I watched him every night because I'd never seen anybody really work an entire act from, from,
And at that time, you know, the context is different. You know, he was talking about Christ and he was talking about drug use and he was talking about, he was standing on stage bandaged from being burned from, from, from, um, Oh, so it was freebasing. Right. No, but, and, and he started making jokes about that and people were uncomfortable about that. And I watched him go over the line and back and over the line and back, but it was the safety of the comedy club. Right.
And people understood that it was in the context of him trying to... Go ahead. When you say over the lines,
When he shot it as a movie, right? Right. Did he reel that back in? In other words, he edited out what you saw as over the line? He edited out. There was a line even for him that was too far. I don't know if it was too far as far as just didn't get a laugh. It didn't work. And my analogy to this is, you know, it's an art form. The ability to kind of cobble together words and thoughts together.
to touch other people's sense of humor. - That's my story and I'm sticking with it. - Right, and if you kind of use the analogy the way painting is an art form, you need to take that canvas and you need to splash it with black
And with that black, you go, that's a little dark. I'm going to shade this and put this. And then you create a whole picture. But if you're telling us we can't use the black paint because that's too dark and that's too far, how do I shade? How do I get to the point where there's humor? They're taking away our brushes. They're taking away our colors. They're taking away. There is really in comedy. There's no such thing as too soon. There's no such thing as too far. Hear, hear. No, but that's what...
If you think of what we're saying, it's a sense of humor. If you can find humor and if you look at the two masks that are comedy and tragedy, there's really no difference. One has an upside down smile and you have to find, and if you laugh, even if you're a kid, if you laugh and you go to the circus and you laugh and you take your kid and you laugh at a clown falling down, what are you laughing at? You're laughing at the misfortune of somebody you don't know with paint on their face that maybe fell and hurt themselves. Right.
If you're telling a joke, the easiest joke, two guys walk in a bar, it's not a joke unless something horrible happens to one of them, something embarrassing happens. All jokes come out of darkness. Yes. That's where humor is. Most, yes. Every joke, you talk about an embarrassing moment, you talk about how ridiculous something is in the news, you talk about it's not out of nice, right? Right.
Many jokes do come out of, yes, jokes come out of everything, but I take your point. You think there is no joke rooted in just nice sunset. Okay, forgive. There isn't. I'm sure you could find some because you could find humor in anything. A pun is not rooted in darkness. It's just rooted in two words sound alike. Anyway. Okay, but it's a minor point. I take your point. Life sucks.
Which is always your point. It is my point. Okay. And in those moments, as somebody who suffers constantly, that laughter and humor and finding that little path out has been my bridge to sanity. You should hang out with millennials. Why? Because they're always sad too.
They're always like, you know, everything is anxiety. And I mean, I'm telling you, you get along perfectly. You're a millennial in an older man's body. There's just too much going in. There's just too much. So how often do you do stand up? Never? Ever? Now I'm afraid, but I do it a lot. I was up until COVID. I did up to 200 nights a year. 200? I did. What? I was. 100, 150? Yeah.
I was always on the road. My office is right at Van Nuys Airport, so I would take off every night. Oh, and come back? Come back. Yeah. Oh, this side of the Mississippi. If it's that side of the Mississippi, then I'd stay in New York. But I was doing day, I was like Leno. That's like Sinatra. No, like Leno. But that's a baller move to like do it that way. Why? Again, not great for the environment, but like again. Oh, you mean fly private? Well, isn't that how you're doing it?
You said you'd come back the same night. Yeah. Right. What's the baller that I'm flying private? Yeah. It's the ability at this age to, you know, if I have to go through an airport and reconnect and fly. I'm the same way. I'm the same way. Scalawag. I'm the same way. But you fly private. Absolutely. So what? I don't understand your point. I'm just saying, never mind. It doesn't matter. It's just there's some guilt about it, but I'm over it.
I'm not guilty. I'm not guilty about it. I go there and hopefully make a bunch of people happy. Exactly. And I make myself happy and I'm able to. But I don't want to do it so much anymore. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of. But that's a crazy amount. I never did it that much. Well, now I'm probably down to 30.
Well, that's, I mean, after COVID, I'm from, you're out almost every weekend. I know I'm not like, see you. I've been always in Hawaii over Christmas and I see you. Yes. You got to, we got to do it together one year. You know what you want to know? I would love to. You want to know what makes me sad? You know what makes me sad?
Maybe I'll do it this year. Gilbert died. I need it. I think Gilbert was booked for that gig. That's why I'm saying. That's what makes me sad. Would you? Do you want to hear? I was on the phone with him when he got in the ambulance. I'm the last person to talk to Gilbert. Oh. And Dara called me. That is fate. And I don't even believe in it, but if that gets him on the show, that is fate. That is fate.
Really? Is there a camera over there? I hope so because I just did a take. Okay. I'm just saying. Dara called me when he went to the hospital and he was in the hospital and they put him into an induced coma and she called me and she said, Howie, what do you think I should do?
Bill Maher's office just called me to make travel arrangements. We have been, this has been the light in our life. This is the one thing that Gilbert has been looking forward to doing. What should I do? And I said to her, don't, don't say, you don't know what tomorrow brings. He could, he could wake up. Don't take that away. Let him think about that. And then two days later he passed.
But that's what, you have no idea what joy you brought him. Just by offering him that gig, he was so looking forward to it. It was so sad and so hard. I was so heartbroken. Talk about guys you've known for 40 years, but you don't really know. That's the other, before. Did you ever watch his documentary? Yes.
Before I did the... But I knew him from 40 years ago from bringing him up at Catch a Rising Star. We started at the same club in New York. Yeah, that's where I saw him. I brought him up every night. And we would often... We would sit in the back of the room and laugh our asses off
literalizing other people's acts. I mean, it was cruel. It was like a mockery of what we thought were comedians who were, like, not so great. He was the best at that. Right. He was the best, and he could do their voices, and he could do their acts. So, you know, but...
Over the years, I've never really had a human conversation with him. It was all in comedics. You know, it was all laughing. We would do bits and, you know, we would just fall right into making each other laugh with the shorthand that comics know. I don't have to set this up. I can just go right to this and then you'll...
But he was the pure... But I thought in Hawaii, maybe that's what would happen, that after 40 years... But he loved you. He wanted to do the show. And he was older, and he was married and had kids, and maybe he and I would have a great...
conversation like we're having now. And if it wasn't, then we'd just still have a great thing because he's hysterically funny. There isn't anybody that I've ever been around. Buddy's dead. Can you do it? I feel like you're asking me to do the Aflac commercial. I feel like this is one of those... I don't know. He got fired from Aflac. He died. I don't want to take his job. But this is like one of those things... I'll be there. I'd love to jump up on stage. In a moment.
Do you play every island? We play Maui on the 30th, December 30th. And then you do the... Honolulu, New Year's Eve. Always at the same place, right? Always at the same place. They love you there. We can, I'll let you decide, we can fly back after the show on New Year's and be home at 9 a.m. January 1st, or we can stay over because I think the plan... No, if I ever get reservations, I'm there.
Oh, you're already there. I'm not playing. I'm in Hawaii. I'm always in Hawaii. The last time I was in Hawaii, I always see all the people you have. Can I put your name on the bill? Let me ask my... I'll give you money. Maybe not. Maybe not. Who do you have?
No, it's not about money, but maybe I'll write off my jet there. Oh, Wendy Liebman, who's fantastic. I love Wendy. Is she okay? She was in a car accident. She was booked five years ago. And got in a car accident. And couldn't do it that year. And now I said, well, you're going to. You booked her five years ago. She got hit by a car. And now Gilbert, I know. Gilbert died. And Saget did it two years ago. And he's dead. Yeah.
So no. No, I'm not going to. No. No. The only thing I'll do that's even close to you, I'm staying home this Christmas on my fucking trampoline, getting my lymphatic system as healthy as possible. Are you fucking kidding me? All right. I got to go work on my day job. Oh, this is over? This is it? So what happens? You just leave, but you don't tell me this is over? No, no. Just leave, baby. And then I'm again, I started in the room alone. I'm going to give you a big wet sloppy kiss. No, no. And don't call me sweetheart anymore. No.
I feel like the way to get over your issue is by just, you know. I know, the queen. She made it. I've got so much weird information. You have no idea. And that's another thing. I have this. This was so much fun. It really is. I do love you. I love you too. I do. And I think you're one of the brightest people.
funniest, most charming human beings. And didn't we advance our relationship like more and less? Yeah, we're just two loving scallywags with healthy lymphatic systems. We didn't, we hope. You're in your backyard going, there's nothing cool about this. Going, two more minutes and those lymph glands, now you're coughing. Because you made me laugh, fool. Okay, thanks. It's been nice talking to you.