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My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man. Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day. Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results. Terms and conditions apply. LinkedIn.com slash results.
LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. How are you? Hi, great to see you. Good to meet you. What do you think of that? Oh, it's, I mean, look at the, I know you're out there. I can smell cow vagina was everything that just brought me in. You know what that's from? What is it from?
Well, first of all, this is called Club Random because everything in here is so random. It is, but it goes. Well, yeah. It's like everything that didn't fit in my real house wound up here. And then at some point, like I've had this place for like almost 20 years, it became like a...
Club Random. Yeah. That's funny you say that because like there's, I know I was mentioning to like your producers that there's a lot of little idioms inside of this place that I actually own. Like this. I have producers? Well, there's news to me. I thought I was just coming. You know, I live next door, right? Yeah, yeah. They're telling me. Did you get a drink? Yeah. Do you have a drink? Yeah. I'm doing a sulfate-free red wine.
You're what? Sulfate-free red wine. It's organic. Sulfate-free. Yeah, I just learned that sulfates in the wine is what causes those wine hangovers. I mean, I'm always sympathetic to health stuff. I'm very health conscious. Oh, fuck. I mean, even this, as I pick up a bottle of fucking tequila. But you do have the Mountain Valley water. Very. Very health conscious of you. Yes. I'm sympathetic, certainly, to...
Always, too. Anything that like, oh, could this improve my health? And, you know, maybe sulfates in the wine. It also sounds like something that could have just been made up by a bunch of chicks on the West Side. Exactly. I mean, it's just a white. It sounds very white.
Like, who's to know? I mean, I was just reading something like... Not that the whites are bad people. We've done very fine things. But no, I was just like reading something yesterday about beeswax candles. And apparently they're natural, the nature's natural air purifier because they release negative ions that link to air pollutants. But who's to know? Maybe the whites just made that up. You know that people are listening to this and saying these fucking Californians.
Exactly. Exactly. Remember that sketch in SNL? The California? I do. I do. I mean, and I've always been a booster of California. Like, they always hated me in the New York press because I was like, no, I like California. Yeah. Greatest city in the world for you. Yeah. Not for me. Are you from California? No. I'm from New York.
That's why they're pissed off about it because most people moved here and they were like, oh, I miss the intellectual climate and I miss the artistic climate. And I was just like, what about the climate climate? Yeah, I know. Soon as I moved out here, I was like, oh, it's January and I'm not freezing. Yeah, and I'm laying by the pool. You had me at. I'm getting my vitamin D. How long have you been in L.A.? 1983. 1983.
I was 27. I had just done two Tonight Shows. So I was like, that's what we did. It was like, time to move to California. Mm-hmm. You know? Oh, wait. So how did you get on the Tonight Show? You know, you're a funny comic in the clubs. Oh, OK. And they come scout. And, you know, I mean, they're aware of their business.
When I was a kid, there was only a few new comics a year. Then, just when I got into it, every idiot who ever told a joke wanted to be. So it was kind of like getting into a marathon where you have to wait for a lot of the people who are going to be puking on the side of the road. Right.
It was a very crowded field, I'll just say that. Yeah, yeah. So there was a million comics, but they would still come into the clubs and they would see, and you know, you could tell who was, you know, going somewhere usually. Yeah, totally. And then you'd go on with Johnny Carson, it would be like the biggest thing in the world, you know, bar mitzvah as a show business person. Yeah. And hopefully he'd give you the old... Right. Like, here we go, we're making it happen. Which now they made into a white power symbol.
I mean, I don't think it really is, but they say that. They say that is, and what's funny is that in like social media, TikTok culture, this, if you do this symbol somewhere when somebody's taking a picture, it's like, oh, I got you. I owe you a punch. Right. That's what...
So you like, it's like a game. And then like shortly after that, it became a white power symbol. So like, I know a lot of my friends were doing that, got attacked. It was a whole thing. But I didn't know you started as a standup comedy. Johnny Carson must've been in the clan because he was always going, you know, you wanted that so badly, you know, just to get the old approval. The approval. That's funny stuff.
Yeah, but I also feel like this symbol started as the okay symbol. It is. And then it works in other things. It's not. They just made something up to, like, catch people. Right, exactly. After you've already been doing it, yeah, it's a whole beast. They wonder why, you know, so many people these days are like, Bill, why are you so hard on the left these days? I'm like, I'm just as hard on the right. It's just that the left didn't used to do these things that make me go crazy.
fuck off. You know, like, mind your own business and just stop being such a busybody. Now you're polling. Right, right. Stop being such an asshole about things. Why am I going on that game? And like, where did this come from? Who started this? This has been happening for so long. Just catching people. Yeah. The guy on Jeopardy. Did you see that? One of the guys who was like, I think he won like three, I don't know, I don't watch Jeopardy.
and why the media is like obsessed with this show. I mean, they cover it like it's national news. This blows my mind. Yeah, I know. Whatever's going on in Jeopardy, it's like, I have to know. I mean, yeah, the demographic, like the only demographic I know that watches it religiously, my 90-year-old grandma. So I'm like, who else are you reaching? And I love the concept because I love that there are people who still care about knowing things.
And that's a show about knowing things. My show's that way, too. Yeah. Anyway, but they're much more serious than those people who are geniuses. And the guy was like, I guess he won three weeks in a row or something. So he was just saying three, like the players do when they make a three-point shot. They had to make some sort of, you know, it's just a way to say, I guess you go that way or that way. And then they said he was doing that. And I think he was just saying I won three times. Oh, no. So.
So they're making it into that. Right. They made the Jeopardy guy into the Klansman. Oh, gosh. And it's like. Yeah. At that point, fuck off. Fuck off. Yeah. Right. I'm with you, Bill. I'm with you on that. Well, good. Because if you're not, you get thrown out of Club Random. I know. My mom's here. I will get a bouncer over here. Oh.
Oh, no, I love it. Like, I had no idea I would ever be able to meet you. My parents are a really big fan of your show. They watch it every week. I always love to hear that. I'd be even more flattered if it was your grandmother because older people are generally wiser. Oh, yeah. So, because they've lived longer. I hate to break it to you kids. I know. So, like, the fact that your parents, who I'm sure they seem to have raised a very...
very charming, erudite young lady. So I'm sure there are cool people. Yeah. They must be. They like me. Yeah, of course, of course. What are they going to think about this? I mean, I told my mom about it and she was just like,
Who are you? Oh, wow. Okay. Well, let me know how it goes. And she just like really like didn't really believe it. She didn't really. I don't know. I think she just didn't believe it. I haven't told my dad yet. Your parents are these are the parents you grew up with. I actually fun fact. I just turned 30 and I just moved out of my parents house like two years ago on purpose on purpose. Yeah.
Yeah, there's a lot of that. You millennials, you love your parents. You're like, they're my best friends. Because who else is going to buy saran wrap?
I mean, that's just such like a random small task that I always forget. They do my laundry. I can focus on my career. Right. Come back. There's salmon on the table. It's called adulting. I know. You're adulting. So you moved out to California. Wait, wait, wait. No. We're going back to your parents. Okay. Okay. Because they're the ones who love me. Yeah. So I love them. Well, I love you too. Oh, good. Yeah.
Well, you probably do because you're parents, you know, like, so you're, they're obviously very smart people, people with great taste. Yeah. And they stayed together as a family unit all this whole time? Yeah, I mean, they're still together. That's rare in today's world. Very rare, but also I would always see them together while watching your show. So maybe you are the reason that my parents are still kicking.
Yes, I bring people together. Yeah, there you go. That's what I do. I give, I give, I give. And then what do I do? I give a little more. Yeah. Because that's, yeah, that's cute. So they watch me together. And do they argue about it or do they agree about it? Oh, they agree. They laugh. My mom scratches my dad's back. Everybody's having a good time. I thought you were going to say his balls. But this is good too. I'll take what I can. Oh my God.
Oh, rough. Imagining that. Sorry, I'm very visual and I just watch that happen. You don't think your mother still scratches your father's balls? I hope not. I really hope not. Why? Why would you hope not?
It's hard. I mean, I obviously wish for love and people expressing their love. But when it's my parents, there's something that triggers in the back of my throat that just makes me want to throw up. I just want them to be happy like all my fans. Yeah. So they raised you right on me. That's good. And you feel like they raised you right?
I mean, I do. I mean, I'm still kicking today. You're 30. What, you expect to be dead at 28? I mean, or like... You're kicking ass. You're doing really good. Put it right there. Yeah. Kicking ass at 30. So yeah, I do think they raised me right. You did stuff with people I'm involved in. Attention. Attention. I mean, attention is a...
I'm always amazed that it's an underreported on company because it's so successful. So successful. And with millennials who want to know what the fuck is up, it's huge. Yeah. They get anybody, Matthew Siegel, who's my great friend, been here at a club random many times and he founded it and ran it and
They get anybody, like Obama. Can we interview you? Yes. Hillary. The people who are important and in the know know, oh, if I want to reach the millennials who are actually going to vote,
Yeah. You know, not the ones who are asleep in a ditch after being at Burning Man or something. The ones who are actually going to vote. This is where we got to reach them. Yeah. Yeah. So for you to be on there, which I think is a good, a real feather for you. Yeah. Yeah. I really loved working with them because, you know, we collabed on a lot of aspects about like just relatability within science and stuff. I have a science background.
So I guess that's, you know, a good component of my parents. You're the hot scientist. You're like Dr. Christmas in the James Bond movie where, you know, Charlie Sheen's ex-wife. I'm sorry. What was it? Denise Richards? Denise Richards. I'm sorry, Denise Richards. I forgot. Yeah.
Must be the alcohol. As you should. You deserve it. You were dark. She was like Dr. I think her name was Dr. Christmas. Oh, okay. And it was in a show? It was a movie. It was a James Bond movie. Oh, a movie. Okay. She was one of these. This is back in the day when James Bond was allowed to like fuck hot chicks. Now they completely pussified him.
I mean, on this one, it's so pathetic. He literally takes...
his girlfriend and her daughter on his mission to save the world. He practically stops off at Target to buy tampons on the way to the underground lair. No way. Yes, because this is the woke world we live in. Right, right. But back in that day, Dr. Christmas and Denise Richards was hotter than the sun. Oh my gosh, yeah. Still is. Oh, yeah. But also a brilliant scientist. I love that. Just like you looked at her and went...
That's not really possible, but I'll go with it. You know, a brilliant scientist. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, I just, I don't know. What is your science? Well, I grew up in a small town and I really had no idea like what I'm doing now could even be profitable. You know, I would always think like, okay, yeah, the most money I can make studying would definitely be a doctor. So I'm going to study to be a doctor.
And, um, I am, you know, more left-brained, I think. So science did come pretty easy for me. So I, I double majored in biology and chemistry and then to be like really competitive in that
you know, field to be accepted to medical school. I did embryonic stem cell research. Wow. And so I was just really, really balls deep in it. This is in college? Yeah, in college. And then always had a passion for it. And then, yeah, I mean, after I graduated, I fell into, you know, what I'm doing now, but
Still, I'm really always watching TED Talks. I've heard a lot of, like, academic research, scientific research is bullshit. I mean, it's so much politics and, like, a lot of stuff that you cannot really trust what's in studies very often for a variety of corrupting reasons. Yeah, pretty much, like, I feel a lot of articles on Google are just kind of paid for and false, and there's, like...
I forget what it is, NHCI or something. There's some website that actually has legit scientific studies. And apart from that, I really don't believe anything. There was a senator, I think it was Ron Wyden, who said, if you write a big enough check, you can get any result you want. Absolutely. I totally agree with that. So that is your memory of it.
Well, yeah, I totally agree with it. That's sad. So now you play a hot scientist on TV. Yeah, and that's what I did in attention. And so we kind of just collabed on a series. We did a lot of skits and sketches that we collabed on and kind of targeted the millennial audience. And so that's how I got involved with them. Well, look, anything that can engage people, you know, because...
The distracting level of that fucking phone is just... It's like... I mean, I really feel like trying to get anything done. Yes, there are good aspects to it, but basically...
I feel like the phone makes you a huge asshole. Yeah. Much more passive aggressive. And, you know, you can do things anonymously and ghost people. And then come up with an alibi easily. Yeah, it's a whole thing. And then also like disconnecting from reality too. Like my boyfriend does that a lot where I'm like, hey, like, what do you think about this? And he's just like,
You know, it's just, yeah, it's definitely what you're saying. That's really gross. It's so right. I hate that. Really? I know. So what's like your screen time? Who is this guy who's looking at his phone while he's... It's a good point, Bill. Yeah. Maybe we should go to a therapy session right now. I wonder what your mom and dad are thinking now. I know. Now that we finally stopped talking about his ball. Oh. Oh.
Why do you got to bring it up again, Bill? You keep bringing back that vision in my head. You're right. I know. Five more times throughout this. I'm going to keep envisioning it. It's going to be a nightmare. Okay. That's the last time. I'm still curious about your parents. What do they do? My mom, she's a film editor. She edits movie trailers. My dad, he owns a coffee shop. Your mom edits movie trailers. She must appreciate the old inner world.
You know, because there was a time when every comic in the world noticed that every trailer started with In a World. Exactly. Yeah. Every comic had a bit about that. Oh, totally. I don't remember any of them, but it's so true. Yeah. So that's what she did. Yeah. So that's what she did. She actually has a lot of those commercials that start with In a World. They all do. Yeah. That I've seen. Yeah. It's so funny you say that.
Wait, so how long have you been in L.A.? Still not done with your family. Okay, okay. Sorry, I've aided you. If I approve of your family. Okay, okay. And then your membership to Club Random will be processed. Okay, promoted. If you just see Dimitri up front. I get the VIP cabana over there next time. Isn't that cool? You saw the VIP? Yeah, it's so sick. I mean, I got a house, so now I'm all into furniture. I just love it all. Can you read what that sign says at the bottom? Best friends only.
No, below that. Below that? Can you see me? You're the one with glasses. I know. I can't see it. I can't see that either. I can't remember. It's something good, though. We'll go over that later. Yeah, later. If I can get us in. You had some binoculars. I don't know if I can get us in, and it's only bottle service. Oh, okay. Love that. Do you have any cash with you?
No, no, it's 2022. You don't carry cash? No, no way. Do you? Of course. Well, actually, the only time I carry cash is after I've gone to the strip club with some of my friends and they give me a wad of money to throw and I actually keep having it. Hey, girls never carry cash. They're always like, somebody will always pay. What do I need money for? Have you seen me? Someone's got to step up. I guess you're right. Of course.
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That's good. Yes. Wait, three drinks total or three nights that you're drinking? Three drinks. Total? A week. Wow. I save my drink for, you know, people I really like. Yeah. Oh, I love it. I save my high on alcohol for like when I just...
couple of times because it's not good for me. Yeah. You know, people in this country like to have this idea that, like, poisons in moderate amounts are okay. And then they're always saying, well, there's not enough. It's like, to me, any amount...
Any amount. I don't know, call me crazy, but any amount of poison, I'm against. Yeah. And then also. That's why I'm all for getting the sulfates out of wine. Yeah. But also to piggyback off of that, I was learning about all that in COVID. And then I watched a TED talk about alcohol and the effects on you. And it mentioned that red wine is the only alcohol that's neurogenesis neutral. So it's the only alcohol that doesn't kill your brain cells.
And I started being like, oh, wow, well, I'll just indulge in some wine and then I would have crazy hangovers. Then I learned about the sulfate free wine gimmick, but still not good. Not good.
I have to throw a little yellow flag on the brain cells thing. It's not a real thing, though. Exactly. That goes back to what we were saying. Like, what do we actually believe? Right. I mean, my thing with medicine is always, I look at it, I feel, from a more of a, maybe a bird's eye view than what people are like a COVID. They're so like...
mono on COVID, everything is COVID. Instead of the whole picture. And I've always been interested in health. And my overarching theme is that we are at the infancy of understanding how the body works and medicine. If not, they'd have cured cancer and Parkinson's and a million other things. So just let's be humble about the fact that we don't know. And this thing that you said about like kills brain cells, I've heard that all my life.
But I also heard all my life things like metabolism slows with age and they just found out it didn't. Oh, really? Yeah. So when I hear like kills brain cells, I'm like maybe and maybe it's one of those that in a year. But also soda is breathing. I mean candles sometimes. What does it mean kills brain cells? I've been, you know, getting high on one thing or another for a long time. Yeah. And.
I never forget what I'm saying. I've been high on a lot of things for a long time, and I never forget what I'm saying. Like, really? Like, how high? No, not high at all. I mean, I'm a lightweight as far as, I mean, I know people who've done so much more. So much more and are still able to perform. I didn't get high on pot until I was 19.
That's pretty late in the game. That is really late in the game. Especially with this day and age. And then that was always, you know, I thought more benign than lots of other things. And, you know, everybody has a little flirtation with cocaine and then you find out how horrible that is. And, you know, you trip sometimes. Mushrooms, I've done mushrooms. But, you know.
Me too. I'm much less of a drug addict than people think. Yeah, yeah. I'd like to be. But also, I think that's probably why, like, you're still crushing the game, too. I feel like a lot of people that get, like, a big, you know, moment kind of fall into that. Oh, finish it. So what's your secret? Wait, so what is your secret? To what? Like, how have you been able to, like, still kill it after so many years? Clean liquor.
I mean, living. Clean living is what I meant to say. Oh, I don't know. I'm enjoying myself. I hope I'm killing it. I know I'm killing it for the people who like it. I mean, there's a lot of people who hate me. But, you know, that comes with it. And they're wrong. But, you know. Yeah, it's, I don't know. I think people in general have a bad attitude about it.
in my age range, 60s, 70s, because it's a generally unhealthy country and people are not in good health to begin with, they do see a lot of decline in that era and they just assume that. I'm sure it'll come for me, but there's literally nothing in my life that I don't basically do the same way because I never fucking grew up. I never got married, had kids. I didn't go through those packages. Look at me, I'm still...
here in my fucking man cave with a hot chick. Yeah, yeah. So, like, you know, my life hasn't really changed. And that's just true of, like, most of the things that I ever did that make me happy I still do about the same way. So, like, it hasn't caught up to me yet. It will, of course, none of us are immortal. But people just have a shitty view. They think you're, like, done at 50 almost. Yeah, exactly.
Exactly. And like a lot of people are not even getting started. I mean, it takes a long time to figure lots of shit out like women. Yeah, it certainly takes a lifetime. Even when I look back, when I think about like 40, I was like, oh,
I still had very wrong ideas. Right. You know, and did looking back as douchey kind of things. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That I would never do today. Right. You know, I'm just saying. Yeah, I know. I kind of view age as a power. I also, I was thinking the other day, and I wish instead of how old are you, instead of what level are you on? Like, don't you wish I could be like, oh, well, I'm on level 30, and I'm on level however old you are, because it's like leveling up in a game, and it should be like,
appreciated and praised you're right and also like you're never too old or too young to really start but do you ever think that you would ever get married well mom this is what ariana huffington always says for 30 years i build you must get married you must have children i'm like i must not yeah but still you know you can do whatever you want
She loves to tell that story about my mother. My mother, when she was 75, I remember we had a little party. I was living in New York doing my first show, which your parents probably watched. You were probably too young for that one, politically incorrect. And that's how I got to know Ariana. And so we had a birthday in New York for my mother. She came in on her 75th birthday. I remember I gave her a diamond pin because 75 diamonds, you know.
And Ariana starts it up with my mother. And like, you know, you must encourage him to get married. And my mother just went, and in a nice way, but just my mother, you know, she was in World War II. So she wasn't like someone who took a lot of shit or like bullshit. Oh, yeah. I probably got it from her. Yeah. And she just went, Ariana, give it up. Give it a break. Exactly. Oh, that's funny. He's not going to get married. And that was back then. Yeah. Yeah.
Wait, how old were you then? Oh, I was in my 30s. I mean, that was probably, yeah, that was when I first was on that show. So did you ever like, I know for me, like as a... Just not right for everybody. No, totally. For a lot of women, I hate to generalize, but I know for myself, like it's like the...
oh, I would love to get married. But now as I'm getting older and I'm meeting men, I'm like, do I really? But did you ever have that feeling or desire to? Or were you always like, no, that's just not me? Yes, but I think it was implanted. I do think it was implanted too. Like a chip from aliens. And when I say aliens, I mean the culture, right?
implants this idea that there is, you know, look at movies. There's one soulmate, you know, there's one perfect person. And you're only with that person for the rest of your life. And also it's like all the romantic comedies about you have to find, it's like an Easter egg hunt. There's an egg, you know, it's the perfect egg for you and you're going to find it. And then you'll be made whole. You'll complete me and all that crap, you know? And for some people it can work out. There are people who have wonderful marriages from the beginning to end. I know them.
I know them, but it's so few. Exactly. That's exactly it. And now, even in my generation, I think that the percentage of divorces are going way higher than what they used to be. It's just...
You know, people used to just be a lot more innocent, basically. Yeah. You know, sexually. A lot less access to a lot of things, too. Less sexually more innocent and less sharing of their personal life and much more decorum. But also, yeah, they were probably innocent because they weren't saying as many stuff. They weren't, like, hearing, like, crazy parties that's going on. Yeah. Guys wore fucking hats and coat and tie at a baseball game. Yeah, girls are in for sex. A baseball game.
I mean, people just, you know, so care of themselves. Oh, now it's just the whole country is just a bunch of slovenly slobs. And they just. Absolutely. Yeah, the girls are in the long corsets. They can't breathe. In that atmosphere, it's harder to keep a marriage together. I'm not sure why they're directly related, but I think they are. So what do your father do?
My father, well, I grew up with him. He had a chocolate factory at the time. What do you mean, you grew up with him? Well, I grew up while he, he's now doing something different. I meant, I grew up while he was doing and handling a chocolate factory. So he's pretty much like Willy Wonka. And he was with your mother. Yeah, yeah. They are still together. They're still together. Always live in the same house. But yeah, so he was Willy Wonka. He owns Endangered Species Chocolate. Where was this?
Where? Yeah. In Oregon. I grew up in Oregon. Oregon. Really small town. Oh. But yeah. And then a lot of his proceeds went to endangered animals. It was great. He sold the company and now he's, you know, kind of retiring off of a coffee shop in Burbank. It's called Base Camp. You should go. It's really cool. If I'm ever in the need. Yes. Any kind of. Any kind of coffee, pastry. Any kind of high.
I'm going to write it down for me. I will go there. Yeah, yeah, you should. Where is it in relation to that big, giant, big boy statue? Oh, I know what you're talking about. Oh, it's famous. Yeah. Bob's big boy. Yes, yes. Or is this a giant donut? It's close. It's kind of by Disney Studios. Disney. On Riverside. I've heard of them. Yeah, heard of them.
- Yeah. - Okay, so your father's Willy Wonka and your mother is in a world. - Yeah, in a world, yes. And they both love you. - And they both love me and they love you. - Mm-hmm, yeah, they kind of have to. - Yeah. And what do they think about what, like, you know, this ascent you've been on and like how many millions, zillions of followers do you have? - Yeah, I mean, across all platforms.
Maybe 70 million. 70 million. I mean, that's like... I always love that term followers because it always makes me think of Jesus. Because before social media, who had followers?
A guy like him, like a guy with a robe and a stick. Totally. You're the first person to make that correlation. That totally makes so much sense. And people literally. And people were actually literally in person following him, not just digitally. You say followers. Jesus is like, hey, you know what? I have followers. I mean, these motherfuckers are literally following him. Going down the street. And all I got is a stick.
Yeah, in my hand and this robe. Yeah. Okay. That's what a fucking silver tongue devil I am. I got a stick and a robe and. Yeah. Yeah. But, um, but yeah, I could ask my dad, uh, like, Hey dad, what do you think I do? He could still, I don't fucking know. I have no idea. I just know you make a lot of money. That's it.
And so my dad doesn't really, I mean, he's like a Greek-Armenian kind of hard-ass. He doesn't really know. What do you mean, like a Greek-Armenian? He's Greek. He is, but he's just like a hard-ass. All right, now let's talk about the Greeks and the Armenians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Greeks, like Ariana, right? I mean, founders of basically Western civilization. Yeah. Certainly the country fell on hard times for a couple of thousand years after that, but
Still a great people. Great people, yeah. So warm. And their ancestors are gods. Their what? Ancestors, right? They were gods? Well, their ancestors believed in gods. Believed in gods, yeah. They weren't. I mean, Zeus himself, I don't think... You think Zeus was Greek? Or identifies as Greek? Well, Zeus was a Greek god. Yeah. Yeah. So... But, like, you can...
Something about Europeans in general, you kind of feel the...
That they have centuries of knowledge and history behind them. You know, there's just a worldliness that we don't have as Americans. Yeah. You know. Informing of languages. Just like people. Again, like more decades, usually you're a little more savvy. Yeah. About shit. Totally. If you're not, you're progressing the wrong way. Mentally. Yeah. What's your ethnicity background? I'm a ballerina.
And an asparagus. You're good because you always turn it back. I'm genuinely curious. I know. And that's really a great quality. I mean, when people say something, someone's charming.
What they really mean is they were interested in me. Mm-hmm. Everybody loves talking about themselves. You know who's a bore? Someone who talks about themselves all the time. All the time, yeah. But someone who says, and what about you? Yeah, but that's what makes it interesting. You're like, hmm, this person's charming as fuck. Like, wow. Yeah, I'll talk about myself all day. Because like, and I feel like with you, it comes from a genuine place.
So it just makes me think, oh, well, this is a mensch. This is a decent person because they're not just about you. So let me tell you about me. Back to me. Yes, yes. No, I'm kidding. So I'm from two peoples who got their independence in the 20th century. Two peoples who are both very poetic and were very...
you know had rough histories the jews and the irish my father is uh was irish catholic
you know, of the kind of Irish that came to America in the 19th century, they had a potato famine and, you know, a lot of Irish came. There's a lot of me. A lot of people, I met many guys who were like, people say I look like you. And I'm like, yeah, you're one of us. Right, right, right. Just a little club, this Irish mug, you know. Right. So I was raised Catholic, unfortunately. My mother is...
like I think Hungarian, you know, Eastern European, Jewish by heritage, but I never even knew she was a Jew till I was 13.
What? Yeah. How? They just, because they just, mom didn't go to church. My sister and my father and I went to church and we, my sister and I went to catechism and I was so scared. And when you, whatever you do with a kid, they think it's whatever is normal. I never even questioned, mom just doesn't go. I never thought about it. I had other things on my mind like I fucking hate these nuns. They scare the shit out of me. Yeah. That's what I had on my mind. Yeah.
And so... You didn't know anything different either. I mean, it just kind of came up at Christmas one year. Yeah. When I was 13, I remember. Really? I was kind of shocked, yeah. And then I put it together because, like, her side of the family... But again, they weren't, like, religious Jews. I've never been in a temple. My mother's never been in a temple, to my knowledge. They were just culturally, you know? And that's really the best part of it. Yeah. You don't need the...
hair things have come down and the fuzzy hats in the summer and you know i mean you don't need this you know i mean i'm sure yeah what a good reference i'll give you a pound on that yeah cradle now how do you know about dreidels i barely know about dreidels yeah well my my neighbor's jewish and i go to their shabbat every friday really see i've never been to that
religious ceremonies. Yeah. I had a bad experience with the Catholics. Not as bad as many. Oh, okay. I mean, I was never molested. Right. And I'm insulted by it. No, that's interesting that you found out about being part Jewish when you were 13. Because I actually found out that I still had living family when I was about, like,
18 years old. What do you mean living family? Oh, that you never met? That I never knew of, yeah. So my dad was adopted. Like who? Oh, really? Yeah. And apparently, apparently this is the word on the street in my family is that my Greek family was in the Grecian mafia, so they were actually in prison for life. Then I went on Facebook and then I found my long lost cousin.
It's insane. So I have like a whole big family now that I just found. There's a Greek mafia? Yeah. I guess there's everybody's mafia. Yeah, I think there's They must not be very good because they're never in movies. Yeah. I mean, like it's they must be a really second-rate mafia. I mean, if you're going to look for a mafia They are never in movies. It's always the wrong
Russians or other Eastern Europeans. Yeah. Like, and take in their Serbians and those, not to characterize, but like those kind of, yes, Eastern European mafias are scary. Yeah. I have only the highest respect. Let me say that on the public record for the Eastern European mafias. Only the highest respect. They're a fine mafia. Yeah, the highest respect. But the Greek, I never heard of them.
Yeah, Greek I heard of them when I found out about it all. And the Armenian side now. Mm-hmm. That's like, I know I don't look like it, but you could tell if you saw my leg hair if I didn't shave it. See? Now that's your version of scratch your father's bowl. Yeah. I don't need to see that. Think about that. No, I have a picture of my legs mid-quarantine. I take your word for it. Okay.
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Did you know HBO Max had podcasts? I'm on my podcast talking about the podcast on my network. This must be what the metaverse feels like.
Now go even deeper inside your favorite shows with audio companions to some of the most groundbreaking and award-winning shows on television. Listen to HBO Max's new companion podcast for the original series, The Staircase. Each episode, host Nancy Miller sits down with cast and crew, including actors Colin Firth and Toni Collette, as well as experts to help unpack the science, history, and psychology behind the Michael Peterson case.
Stream new episodes of The Staircase on HBO Max and subscribe to The Staircase Podcast on all major podcast platforms. How would you characterize the difference between a life presented on Instagram, typically?
And that life in reality. In reality, I guess it kind of varies. If you're talking about influencers or creators, it kind of varies on what kind of creating they're doing or if they're really open. Because there's a lot of people that are really open about their own struggles and mental struggles and family struggles and things that they're actually going through. And they present it and they let people know their mental health, what's going on with them, so people can relate to them. Right.
Or there's other categories of people who just flex their bags and vacations. Right. And then there's other people who just do comedy bits just to bring happiness to already such a negative world. Right. So I think I would fall in the category of bringing, you know, a positive light to social media. Yeah, I don't mean the pros. I'm talking about just the regular jabonis.
Who are, like, on it and are, like, fronting. Yeah, I know. Like, presenting a...
Oh, and then, so it's kind of like Beyonce's like Sasha Fierce. Like they like present some, you know, new character whenever the camera's on or anything? I think so. I mean, like you, I'm asking you because this is why I love talking to people your age because I need to legitimately find these things out. Yeah, so, yeah, let me, I'll tell you. So I'm interested in the finding out, like, because my impression is that a lot of it is just people saying,
Yes, presenting. It's not like they're lying about life too much, but filters, angles, choosing to just show the moments where you're doing great. It seems to be a lot about wanting very badly to
To have everyone else who's following me think everything's going great. Mm-hmm. Either that or, like, endless sob stories about your, you know, your mental problems. Right, right, right. But...
But let's just take that other category. The type who want to present this idea. This facade that's not true. And then they try to make it relatable to their followers. And then their followers are still going through puberty. And they're just like, how can I achieve this? And it's impossible. Here's my deep, deep question for this to you. Why is it important? Why is it important that other people think you're doing great?
Why is that so? It shouldn't be so important. I think that is definitely a topic within social media because social media is so huge. But I feel like that's also been a topic for...
before social media too i remember before social media i was always you know going to middle school dressed up pretending everything's fine you were doing this yeah i was and i was wearing my outfit and like pretending i wasn't just crying on the way here so i'm always like humans always try to present their best selves yeah right no matter what that's so easily that's so true but it's more
easily able to see exactly what I said about the phone it makes you it's not like you're not an asshole to begin with it just takes your asshole qualities and exacerbates them you're totally right people were always fronting
Always. People were always trying to, you just couldn't do it. If you had to go to high school every day, people would see you all day. Yeah. You know, you can't fake that. Yeah. But you can with a picture. Yeah. Okay. I mean, there are a lot of people that, and often a lot of times, I'm guilty of it too, where it's like, okay, cool, the camera's on, like somebody's doing a story. Yeah.
yeah, we're having so much fun. Yeah, she's so funny. She said this. And then we immediately just go back to like chilling. So it is like, it's just such an interesting dynamic of how you kind of turn on. You're getting your training as a communicator in a different era of technology than I did when I came up and other people have. But it's the same basic thing. The technology changes. What they...
We'll never have too much of good content. There's more content. It's flooded with it. It's insane how flooded it is. Yes. It's that marathon I was talking about. Yeah. You've got a marathon, too. And at a certain point, a lot of other people will be puking on the side of the road. But I think when, you know, you're going to...
advance in your career through different media the way, you know, like you see singers do it, like they're a teen sensation. And then, you know, Lady Gaga now is, she's 30 or something.
It's more like for people that age, you grow with your audience, you know? Is that what happened with you? Like, I'm wondering, like, genuinely, like, did you ever have a moment? And I know it never stopped you, but did you ever have a moment where you were like puking on the side of the road, like not doing well? Of course. All of it. How did you get over it? Like, tell me about it. I mean, you never did. Like, wow, you're lucky. Yeah.
It went right from... No, trust me, I go through creative blocks. I go through like, to take a month off, this is rough. No, but like when you were 23, were you doing this? And did it go well right from the beginning? Well, yeah. So, okay, yeah, switch gears. So how I started was, it was interesting. It was...
I was doing my pre-med degree and my family, while I was in college in the Bay Area, they moved from Oregon to LA. And so...
I need spring break, summer break, winter break. I couldn't go back to where I was from, so I would go back to L.A. I had no friends. It was just my parents and my pets. And then I also played volleyball in college, so oftentimes I was always at the gym working out for volleyball. And, I mean, in the middle of Hollywood, 24-hour fitness is just a meat market. I can't meet friends that way. It's always guys like... You know, it's just like, let me work. I'm in the middle of a... Really? That really happened? Yeah. Yeah.
Like that exact thing? It's just take your earphones out, number. It's, yeah, but it's not just once. It's, I go to a workout 20 times. It's, it's insane. They're starting to treat reality almost like it's Tinder, right? It's like even worse. It's worse than it's ever been. It's worse than it's ever been is the title of this segment. The cat call. You're right. It's worse than it's ever been. But, yeah, like...
I always love to hear... Who raised you, yeah. By the way, it always amuses me to hear attractive women talk about
Like episodes of guys hitting on them. We can do another episode of this, Phil. I'll talk an hour straight about it. It's just, it's endless comedy. Yeah. And it is comedy too. Like how guys think that this would definitely work. But the things they say are absolutely absurd. But back when I was saying is I was at the gym, a guy was with his girlfriend. So green flag.
They come up to me, they say something funny, I say something funny back, I forget what it was, and they say, hey, you're funny, you should come out and vine with us tomorrow.
And Vine, it's RIP Vine, but it's non-existent now. Yeah, I remember Vine. Yeah, so it was six-second videos. And I thought that was just so... Too long, I felt. Too long. I was like, please, I'm a busy man. Six-second videos. You think I'm just sitting around in my underwear eating Cheetos all day with nothing to do? Right, yeah.
But yeah, so I just thought Vine was cat videos on the fly. I didn't understand that people actually scheduled to Vine.
So how I got into it was, oh, cool, friends other than my parents in pits. And so I vined with them and they shot a few vines. I kind of saw how they did it, saw the ideas they did. Then I came up with some concept. It was nine years ago. It's one of those relatable ones, guys checking out girls versus girls checking out guys. Facebook. That's how Facebook started. Yeah. And so the girl, you know, was like,
Sees the guy walk by. They're like, oh, he's so cute. And then the girl walks by. The guy's like, damn, Sody's fine. And he jumps on my back. And then, and like really aggressive with it, like what we were saying. And then through that video, it actually went viral. And I got 100,000 followers in one day. And then... Top that, Jesus. Yeah, top that.
And so my friend was like, hey, you have a fan base now. You owe it to your fans to come out with more content. We're running tomorrow at 11 a.m. sharp. Come with three ideas. Brilliant. You built on your base and you built 100,000. I built 100,000, but I was still like, great. This is at least I can just have friends. I never knew this would be something I could generate revenue from. And so that's why I continue to go to college. That's why I graduated. I was taking a year off. I will never forget.
fully understand like all of this because a i'm not that interested in like well yeah it's it's already like such a beast and you're already such a beast in your field it's not that it's just that like something has to come to me and when i saw you on attention that's when you came to me like an angel from above
And I was like, oh, wow, that's very smart. And I'm telling you, and, you know, you're 30 now, and you could be, like, hosting the CBS Evening News when you're 40 or 40, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. So I'm saying you're going to graduate to other things in media because, you know, you're smart. You know, you can handle it. Yeah. It's great. So...
After you were a stand-up comic, like, when did you... And you have that natural instinct, that interviewer's instinct to go right back. I'm really wondering, like, what was your process after...
you broke out of stand-up, or did the stand-up comedy interviews. When we all first started at the clubs in New York in the early 80s, we wanted to get on a sitcom. That was the big thing. And many of us did. I did. Jerry Seinfeld did. Everybody wanted... That was it. You were a comedian. You did Johnny Carson. And then they saw you on Johnny Carson. They put you on a sitcom like Roseanne and Freddie Prinze and all these people. Yeah.
and Robin Williams, and then you became a big star for being on a sitcom. That's what was in our mind when I was 23. Then that changed over the time, you know, and then I did sitcoms, and I was like, no, this is not what I'm really cut out to do. So then there was a little period, like, where I was really wandering in the wilderness, you know, like, I had done sitcoms and thought I was going to be like a, you know, sitcom funny guy actor, and it's like, no. And then...
show business is always partly luck you know Comedy Central was a new network they needed a show and I had a good idea for a show and then
But I was always meant to do what I'm doing. It was a waste of me as an actor because I'm not that great an actor. And I'm much better at this and it's much more unique. They could get another guy to play the office creep. I was in TV Guide once on my first sitcom and it was like the show was premiering and they had the four characters. Geena Davis was the lead.
became a big star, Alfre Woodard, Bronson Pinchot, and a little thing under each of our to tell the audience who we were. And under my name, it said The Office Creep.
Because that was the character. And it was good because that was the funny one. The other ones, they didn't give the other ones that funny lines. They were just normal. The office creep. Yeah, they were normal people and I was the office creep. No, my Bill Maher was the office creep. Yeah, you can look it up. That's so funny. You can Google YouTube it. I will. And I will when I get home. Get out your magic light box. Yeah.
Do you have your magic light box with you? Sorry, I don't even know what is a magic... That's your phone. Oh, magic light box. That's what I call the phone. Okay, gotcha. Oh, it is. See, it's right there. You would never leave it. Yeah, it's right here. I lose everything except my phone. You don't call it the magic light box? No. Okay, wait. So what was the show you pitched to Comedy Central? Was it the show you... Politically Incorrect. Oh, okay. Yeah.
Great. So, yeah, there was some years there where it was like tough because I was done with one form of my, you know, as a snake sheds its skin. Not that I'm a snake, a caterpillar. Let's pick something nicer. Yeah, I became a butterfly, whatever. But like there was a time and that that happens in many careers, you know, where you have a down point before you come back up. Even Frank Sinatra.
who was the biggest star in the world as a singer in the 40s, couldn't get arrested in 1950. And then he had a comeback. You know, that's part of the plot of The Godfather. Yeah. They got him the part in the movie, you know. Right. And so... Okay, so in that downfall of years, that's when you...
Did the show with... It was good that I did not get on a sitcom that was a hit, because then I would have been the office creep for life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, totally. And maybe the audience would not have accepted me as, you know, something which, you know, is more like... Well, not more like, it's exactly what I think. Mm-hmm.
And who I am. Right. I mean, my whole... But like your ability to evolve is what made you who you are today. And also any successful person really always evolves in what they do. I hope. I mean, my whole career and mindset has been from the beginning. The thing I really wanted to do is to get on camera for the audience exactly what talking to me is like.
in reality, because most of TV is just sickeningly fake. Yeah. You just want to gag. I do. I can't stand it. Yeah. And I get as pretty close on politically incorrect and then real time, you know, and that's, but like, I can't get closer than this. Yeah.
Me getting drunk at my own house. I can't. I love it. I cannot get closer. It's been a lifelong struggle to get to this exact moment. I love that for you. Okay. So you like, so tequila is your favorite. Did you ever like, is it your favorite? Yes. Nice. Me too. Hard alcohol. That's my favorite too. So. Wait. So what, how much, but you seem like you're very much into health. I mean, you look like you are because you look very healthy. Yeah.
In COVID, I got like kind of, you know, I got into health and wellness. Good. So I'm like following what the health and wellness community is doing. Exactly what you should have done. The mountain valley water. The best way everybody could have protected themselves from having a bad result with COVID was by getting in better health to begin with. Better health, better shape. When you're in good health to begin with. And better mindset too. Well, mindset is part of your health.
And very much so. I was learning. I didn't even know this. I wasn't even taught in school that how well I learned in college. But, you know, I just I had no idea the negative effects that stress has on your body, too, which is just so insane to me. Oh, and so, you know, you. Yeah, absolutely. It could cause autoimmune diseases. I mean, we're not. Of course. Well, it I mean, you know.
Medicine is such a complex amalgam of factors like stress, but also toxic pollutants that are around us, which are in everything. It's in the food. It's what you eat. It's in perfume. It's in furniture. Yeah. I mean, we live in that kind of world. Mm-hmm.
And then there's factors we're not sure of. I mean, electromagnetic energy. I'm not sure the phone is great having all that electromagnetic energy. Oh, that's why I have this thing I put on my phone. It's supposed to, like, block the e-mails. You know what? That's called an amulet. Yeah.
It's like a little thing you wear on your neck to ward off evil, but it has no actual effect. I know, but I'm trying to be honest. I know, I know. But that's what a lot of masking was during, not all, some masking was totally appropriate, but some of it was just an amulet. This is going to ward off this evil. And it's like, you know what?
So are you like dairy-free or gluten-free or did you change your diet? Well, gluten, I'm not sure. That, again, may be one of those things that started in a book club. Yeah, or just an LA, yeah. I mean, it's a real thing. I just don't think it affects like nearly the numbers. It's just one of those things that liberals, boy, when they want to jump on a –
Excuse me. I had the crabs for dinner. No, that was the chair. When they want to jump on some shit. Oh, they do. But like basically it's bigger than gluten. I don't eat bread.
Oh, you don't? Bread is not good for you. I'm sure, I hope we don't have a bread sponsor for this show, but I don't think so. But I mean, at least that's what I think. You know what? I'm not dispensing medical advice. Don't fucking flip your wigs, even though a lot of what I said, comedian, was more right than what the fucking, you know, official people said. I said right from the beginning, stress, sugar, sleep. The three S's. There's a bug going around. Stop eating sugar.
Get enough sleep. Don't stress. They did exact opposite. Locked themselves inside and overate. And then stayed up all night looking at the phone. Stressed their minds out about something that was, yes, a real thing and could be a dangerous thing, but was hyperventilating, was not necessary for most people. Yeah. Traveling to Utah in the middle of the... Lack of vitamin D. Huge. Huge. You know...
One of the other things I said from the beginning, vitamin D, and now I just saw there was a study that says, yes, most of the people who've been dying from this COVID have been lacking in vitamin D. Have you also heard? It's not rocket science. It's not like I'm a genius scientist who made that up. I know doctors and I read stuff and it's like obvious. Vitamin D is key and we're depriving ourselves of it with this.
Yeah, I actually, I recently did like a breath test and a blood test just to see my levels. And I'm like severely deficient in vitamin D. And I also heard about this other study and not sure if it's true or not.
But there's this doctor that was talking about how a lot of people aren't able to process vitamin D from the sun. And so they actually have to take supplements. Right. But you need the sun to convert it. And the sun is not the enemy. People have these, they demonize things in medicine these days. Skin cancer. Well, it can give you, yes, of course, anything you can over, you can kill yourself drinking too much water, but
you know, basically you need some sun and if the sun is not horrible for you and maybe some of the stuff that's in sunblock is,
is not great for you. I think I saw that study recently. Again, one of those like, what else don't you know? What else did you get wrong? Stop looking at me with the white coat and the stethoscope like, when have we ever been wrong? A lot. Just have some fucking humility about it. Exactly. It's always been trial and error. God damn it, you have me yelling again. All right, I have to...
This was more fun than Battle of Bucky. This was so great, Bill. I loved talking with you. We could go on for hours. We could. You know, when I like a millennial, I really like millennials. Oh, yay. Not the majority of them, but like the good ones. Like the third that they come to my shows and I know they're good ones because they know this is in a safe space. But when they're not pussies, they're great. Yeah. You're not a pussy either and I respect you, Bill. Come on.