Guys We F****D | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Every single situation under the umbrella of sexuality, dating, and relationships that you can possibly think of, you think you've run out of things to talk about. There's so much. Do we know everything? We really don't. But there's something there. There is just way more to my body. Go random.

Hello. How are you? What a pleasure. Because in my den of iniquity. Hi. That's a great name. Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Corinne. This is the most magical place I've ever been. Oh, I'm so glad you said that. No, really. I really mean it. Thank you. I don't think you're being facetious. No, my inner child. No, I love this. Christina's not sarcastic like that. It's why I did it. I mean, I'd be here anyway.

I think you figured out life. I definitely haven't done that. Don't have kids. Yeah. Work hard. Let your inner child play for the rest of your day. Well, I figured out life for me. I mean, everybody's different, right? I mean, you know, that formula, you're right. You kind of like summed me up, but that's...

That formula wouldn't work for everybody, you know. I guess not. No. But society's very like, hey, have kids. Society pressures people to do things. So that's you two never going to have kids? I might. I have to meet somebody to want to procreate with. But I would. Yeah. I would. I heard being pregnant makes you excited. So you don't want to just have a turkey baster and a...

No, but you know what? Because women do not need a partner these days. Oddly enough, I found out that's how I was conceived. Yeah. Yeah, and my parents never told me. And my dad's not my biological father. Found out three years ago through a 23andMe test. Does it change anything in your life?

No, it's just really bizarre thinking you were biologically related to a guy that you're not biologically related to. Right. That's very bizarre. My brother, I have an older brother who's both of their kids. What does he look like? Like he could be your father? No, actually, my older brother always told me I don't look like anybody in my family and that I was a mailman's kid. He was right. You know who's definitely not the biological son of Prince Charles? Yeah. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. There's a lot of kids running around who aren't biological kids of people. He looks not the stable boy, but he was something with horses. Of course, they're British. What isn't? Right, right. But he was some sort of equestrian, something, I don't know. He was always like with hay in his hair by the table. And Harry looks just like him. Yeah. Do you know why I found out that I didn't know?

Khloe Kardashian and OJ? Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I didn't know that. Everyone else knew that. Well, I mean, it's not confirmed. I think their lawyers could come after us if we're like, that's definitely true. I didn't even know that was a... We'll find out if it's true if she stabs Tristan. Hey, that's good. Nice. OJ, that's my girl. That's very funny. Yeah. Bill, that's a bit.

What's a bit? Oh. That's hilarious. Oh, thank you. Well, you know, it's like you start out in life. I did everything when you're a young comic, at least in my era.

You know, you just, everything was a bit. And now it's like, I'm not gonna remember any more bits. I'm just gonna do them at the time. - Really? That's how you perform these days? - Well, apparently I just did a bit. - You did? - No, no. - Who's pussy? - Who's pussy? - Fill it in, let us know. - That's why we're here. - Throwing that back to the... - We're here for this. We love gossip.

Really? Yeah. Of course you do. Yeah, gossip is fun. I love gossip. I want to know what Justin Bieber eats. It distracts you from your inner pain, too. I know all the gossip and always have, and people find that very odd. Don't you read all the time? Yeah, I read The Enquirer, I read The Globe, I read The Star, and I read every fucking week, and I have for years. You read those things? The ones you get in the grocery store and

Absolutely. And I've had since the 80s. When I get on a plane Saturday morning, sometimes if it's all the way back east after I worked a full week here, edutaining America on real time. Thank you. And I'm going out to fucking Cincinnati or someplace to do stand up. I'm not happy to be up in the morning.

Who is? Not me. I'm not happy to be on the plane, even though it's mine. You own it? I never bought it. Lisa? I always, yeah.

You don't want to own a plane. There's too much... Then everything is your problem. Similarly to a boat, how docking it, it becomes a whole financial... Even worse, because you'd have to pilot to your problem. Parking it, you just can't park it anywhere. All this logistics. Fuel, landing rights. Landing rights? Of course, you can't just take off and land. It's not like a fucking limousine. So...

Anyway, point being, I don't want to read the fucking newspaper at that hour. That's my guilty pleasure. And I've had people actually try to, celebrities try to shame me. Like, you shouldn't patronize that. You know, they show pictures of our children. Well, too fucking bad. Right. You know, it's not fair. And lots of things in life are not fair for different sets of people in different circumstances. This is York Ross to bear. We all have something. That's the celebrity injustice. I'm so sorry this is your thing.

Right, right, right. And then what do they say to them? Want to hear some other people's things? Because everybody's got some. Yeah. Which is your one. Yeah, it sucks. Sorry, life sucks. I'm not going to stop reading The Enquirer. Right. So I know all the gossip. You can test me. Wow, that's really impressive. And I love TMZ. Wow. You love them? Have they been good to you? So good. They show a clip of mine like every week. Wow. Cool. You don't watch TMZ? No. I don't watch television. I just got rid of it. I get all my TV news from TMZ.

Well, I know someone who used to be a paparazzi. They like to be called street journalists, I found out. But I know a street journalist and that's, I'm big into like pop culture. And I love street journalists because that's how I always know when celebrities are in New York. And he gave me the exact location of Justin Bieber. And I met Justin Bieber because of,

TMZ kind of, so. - This was a goal of yours? - That was a big goal of mine, yeah. - Don't you lose a bet? - If it makes you happy, if it gives you a little joy, this tabloid, the tabloids. If it's like your thing, fucking do it, yeah. - Exactly. - Do you like reality TV? - Fuck them. Plus it keeps me up with lots of people who are my friends in the business.

Oh, I don't see often that, you know, if I don't see them that much. It's your Facebook. Woody Harrelson's in London. I haven't talked to him in a couple of months. I see that, you know, it's like, oh, good. I thought the Inquirer stuff was untrue, like it was all untrue stuff. No, absolutely not. Some of it is. Well, you have to know how to read it. Like if they say you're dying, get a, buy a coffin.

You're dying. You're definitely dying. Really? Yeah, because that one, it's easy to quantify. You can tell when people, I mean, just by a look sometimes. There are people who, I mean, my doctor, a lot of doctors, I think, just could look at you and tell you a lot of things just by looking at you. Oh, yeah, yeah. And one of them is you're almost dead. Your energy reads. No, it's not a good thing, but...

But romantic things, no. You could tell when they just make it up. It's like, oh, we have a picture of them together. The one that was the outlier there was Ben and J-Lo getting back together. Because normally, that's exactly what they would write just making it up.

Now that Ben and J-Lo are both single, they're back together. So when I first read it, I was like, oh, this is what they always do. This is completely made up because it's plausible and we have... And it's what we want. And that one turned out to be true. Yeah, yeah. That one actually turned out to be true. Yeah, so you're like, eh, the boy who crawled... It was like a broken clock twice a day, you know? So...

But yeah, I love the tabloids. That's-- I wouldn't have guessed that. That's very surprising, but in a fun way. That's why I'm doing this show. Yeah, good. What else makes you happy? Not that it's really a show. Some people do say that about podcasts. Yeah, we know. But that's what's great about it. You know, who wants to be performing all the time? Do you have a favorite celebrity, someone who you haven't been able to meet yet?

Favorite celebrity. Well, I'm not even, I mean, I can't think of anyone who I'm like trying to meet. I would love that. I mean, there are people like, oh, I just got to meet. I can't. I'm sure you can make it happen. I mean, there are people. Martin Short. That's really. Oh, okay. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

He's a friend of mine, but I do adore him. Right, right, right. I mean, if I didn't know him, I would be all over, you know, sucking his dick, metaphorically, of course, about his career, you know, but I have dinner with him every once in a while. Oh, that's nice. You get a front seat, too. So we just know how we feel about each other, but, like...

You know, there are people like that. I mean, I always say show business, it is full of bullshit, but the cream does rise to the top in general. Yeah, good. That's good to know. Very few people have long careers who suck. Anybody can be like, you can have a minute, you can have a moment, you can have a year, a few years. But like, you know, directors who are doing it, actors who people want to look at for 30, 40 years. Yeah, yeah.

I tend to think they are the best that we kind of mostly have to offer. - Yeah. - I don't think there's somebody who's like, "Boy, that Spielberg guy, he kept getting to make the movies I wanted to make. I think I could have made them better." No, I don't think he could have. - Right, no, he's doing a good job. - That's longevity. That's well-earned. - You know, I mean, who do you like?

Who's your show beside Beyonce? Beyonce is, to me, the epitome of human potential. I have a Beyonce tattoo on my thing. I knew you would say that. You like TNC, though. Nadine Strossen, the first female president of the ACLU. I think she's very talented. And I think more than just very talented, I think she's always been so classy.

Her grace. But women have got to get over. They're over the top. You're going to get into a fight right now. Why? Why? I mean, it's just, you just do.

It's just out of proportion and it's not helping anybody. But that's like men and the Godfather. Right, right, right. I mean... What are your feelings on the Godfather? I like it. I'm not like this. Okay, right. I don't get like this. I don't get like this. I'm not having a Don Corleone tattoo here or whatever. Do you have a role model for this?

A role model. That's a good-- Because she's my role model, too. Like, that's why I look up to her. Like, that's why I-- I think putting people on a pedestal gets very dangerous. But she's like a role model for me. Oh. I love the way she conducts herself. I've never-- I said that. She's classy, yeah. Yeah. So-- but really, I'm-- I see her live? Yeah. If you see her live, I promise you, you will at least go, oh, OK. I'm a fan. I have her in my iPod. Oh, OK. That's a start. That's good. That's a start.

To what? To this enlightenment of Beyonce? When it gets into deification, you lose me. It is. It feels like it's creeping into that area. For sure. You know, we don't want that. Celebrity creeps into that. Humans are humans. Beyonce isn't my Beyonce, though. My Beyonce is Spice Girls. So that's different. Why is that? That's from a youth thing. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, I really do feel like in a way I got to become a Spice Girl. Like when you were a kid. Like the Beatles for me. Yeah, but I do feel like my version of a strong woman, I got to become, my dream was to become a Spice Girl, and I don't mean that in like I got to become a singer and a choreographed dancer. I mean, I got to be a woman in the way that I want to be a woman. So to me, that's what a Spice Girl is, and I got to do that. Well, if you look at the lyrics of the Spice Girl songs, like they're very empowering.

In a time where a lot of pop songs were like, does he love me? Because if not, I'm going to kill myself. Boy bands. What's the one song I have of theirs in my iPod? Wannabe. Wannabe, probably. One of the most recognizable pop songs of all time. No, I think it's a different one. Say You'll Be There. Giving you everything. She'll sing them. She's the singer, so I'll say that she'll sing them. Yeah, that one.

Honestly, you have great taste because that's the best Spice Girls song, even though it's not the most famous one. So, boy, I'm learning that they have quite a hold on...

I thought the Spice Girls were almost more like a novelty act, but apparently they... They sold out Wembley Stadium right before COVID three times. Well, novelty acts do that and then dry up and blow away, but they seem to have more of an emotional hold. And you're not the first people I've heard of your generation, young women, who, I think, have that same feeling about the Spice Girls. Adele does. Yeah. Well, lyrically... Adele, okay. The concepts lyrically that they talk about, and that...

when Beyonce was in Destiny's Child, they were very much like, hey, if you disrespect me, fuck you, I'm out. And that's not, you didn't hear that in pop songs very much. You just heard codependency. And I'm obsessed with you. Isn't it TLC? Kind of a lot of that. Wasn't that before, or maybe the same era? Yeah, they were. TLC was another one of those. You're right. Salt and pepper. I remember thinking, you know, about the guy who didn't have the nice ride. And I'm like...

A scrub is a guy. Not everyone has a nice car. You know, maybe, you know, fuck you. No scrubs took you down. Yeah, never. I mean, I wasn't born with a silver spoon. Right. You know, I bought my first car. It was $400. What car was it?

It was a 66 Falcon. Wow. This was 1974. I was a senior in high school. And I bought a car for, no, $500 and sold it a year later for $400. Wow. Why'd you sell it a year later?

Because I was going off to college. Oh, OK. Yeah. It was such a piece of shit. I mean, either one of us bought that car. Right. Me or the person I sold it to. And I think the answer is $500 and $400. There you go. It's amazing. It was just horrible.

It stunk. Yeah, I don't think the problem was that people didn't have nice cars because, you know, in no scrubs, it's like, it's a scrub is a guy who thinks he's fly, but then has the crappy car. So I think it's someone who thinks they're a lot better than they are. I mean, men have so much to make up for. I never, I never, I never. I agree.

Let's start. I love this. So I never begrudge, you know, when you want to like, okay, now you'll be mean. Yeah, okay, you get it. Now you'll be mean. Well, yeah, I mean, women do bad things too. 100% do. But men, the problem is that we are a young species. Very. Very. And being a young species, we are still savages. And being still savages means...

Might makes right a lot. Men are the stronger, more powerful ones physically. Right. So women have borne the brunt of this species being young and still savages. We are just emerging from that now. It's like we're getting to preteen years of humanity's age. Yeah, right. That's how it feels. Right. I will say, doing the podcast that we have for, we've been doing for eight years now, and one of the first things that we were...

that was introduced to us, this concept, we started getting emails from people asking for advice. So our inbox, we get like thousands of emails every week. All over the world, people old and young, every single situation under the plan, under the umbrella of sexuality, dating, and relationships that you could possibly think of. You think you've run out of things to talk about, there's so much. One of the things that- - Well, it's great that they're turning to you. - It's really cool. - Yeah. - It's really an honor. - Very cool. - I hope it's great.

I like it. It is. Absolutely. No, it's a lot of pressure, though, you know, when people are asking you large advice. So what would you rather be doing? Have no pressure and sit around bored? No, please. I thrive on pressure. Great. Exactly. And I've experienced adult emotions as a child, so like a lot of childhood trauma. So I'm very much like, hey, life gets dark. So I already kind of knew that about life. And so when people can come up to me and say, tell me pretty horrific stories, and I'm not weirded out. I'm like, oh, my God. Right.

- No, it happens. It happens, it's an awful thing that happens and it sucks. But one of the things is, one of the most common emails we get is, "I was raped and I never told anybody." The amount of times that we've gotten that email, as much as I know that bad things happen in the world, I'm like, this is really fucked. To the point where I ended up seeking out a volunteer position at Bellevue Hospital to become a volunteer advocate for emergency room people who would come in who were sexually assaulted or experienced domestic violence.

That shit is real, man. Oh, my God. And it's so common, and there's so many types of situations where... And I'm just obsessed with figuring out how can we get a handle on this? I don't know. That's what I said before about we're just at the...

infancy, the beginning of that post-savage era. Now it's still going to continue for, you know, it's like you don't wipe out all crime. Right. But for the first time, it's like so socially unacceptable. And it's interesting to see what terms are being developed in the vernacular to describe certain things, certain concepts, certain feelings, and two that have recently come up.

And I know that there was a movie about this a long time ago, so the word has been around, but people are now using it frequently as gaslighting. Gaslighting and love bombing. Are you familiar with love bombing?

Of course. Yeah. And so these are tactics. I didn't even know what these words meant until, you know, a couple years ago. And when I did learn about them. I'm always getting love bombed. Yeah? That's a different kind of love bomb. I'd love to. Love bombing kind of sucks, though. No, I'm kidding. Yeah. No, I am very anti-love bombing. I was just saying to Jack, he's about to get married, and I said, you know, stretch it out.

You're getting your endorphin. Why not? Yeah. You know, he said, I'm on the road a lot. I might take her with me. I'm like, don't. The best sex is like you're coming home from a long trip sex. Yeah.

Yeah, you miss each other. Right. Gotta miss each other. There's that country song, how can I miss you if you won't go? Yeah. You know, you gotta put that, if you don't put that in the relationship, I mean. You need separateness. That is vital to your own existence and to your sanity and your soul. And missing. Yes. Well, I love being separate. I've never lived with a partner and I never intend to. Yeah, me neither. I like solitude a lot. Me too. A dog in me, that's my max. I've maxed out at the dog.

We're perfect for each other. Yeah. Well, I did hear a little bit about... You'll never talk. You'll never meet. About how you live your life. And I was like, honestly, that sounds really nice. That sounds good. Well, again, there is nothing more personal or individual than how you want to live. Mm-hmm. And who you want to live with. Yeah. I'm with you. It would be tough without dogs because there is a presence and it is a...

I always say just because they don't talk doesn't mean they can't. Correct. Apparently a dog can learn up to like 75 words. Our friend is a dog trainer and I speak to my dog the same way you would speak or they tell you to speak to like a baby, not in baby talk, but in full sentences. I just try to use the same words over and over again. But you can't talk to them about scheduling matters.

No, you can't. I'm just not going to care. You can't. I talk to Kevin all day. My dog's name is Kevin. Mine is Sir Alfred Hitchcock. Yeah. Yeah. We got dogs. We gave them human names. We started talking to them. And that's, yeah. So you couldn't even live with each other?

No, I honestly... Oh, her and I? I could live with a roommate who I was not romantic with easier than a romantic roommate because you can close the door and go in another room and you don't... You're not forced to over-communicate everything. You can just, like, take some time off and the other person's not super offended. But, yeah, I haven't gotten... I wasn't getting in, like, huge fights when I lived with roommates, obviously. I've lived in New York City since I was 17, so I've had my share of roommates. I know. I mean, I've lived with...

someone just briefly a few times. - You did? - A long, long time ago. - Romantically? - Yes. - For how long? - I think each time it was for about a year. - Okay. - But I mean, we're talking about 1986 and 1992, I think, or something, you know, a very long time ago. And there is that, I mean, for some people, it's just the easiest thing in the world. For me, it's like, you know,

I just felt like I had to... I was never quite comfortable. Yeah, because their energy is there. Being the only thing that we... And you feel like you have to announce what you're doing or justify what you're doing. Or if you want to eat dinner, you've got to go, what do you want, I guess. The word considerate comes from the word consider. Yeah. Like, just consider. And when I'm alone, I don't have to consider you. Right. I don't have to consider you at all. And that's...

doesn't make me a bad person. I just don't want to consider all the, and when I, to me, it makes it better because when I am with you, I am extremely considerate because I've stored up all my consideration and you're not on my nerves, you know, and I want to be considered. I want to be at my best. Can we be at our best and then go our separate ways? I mean, 10%, I would estimate

A modest estimation. Love to hear this stuff. 10% of your life, everyone's life, you are disgusting. Oh, okay. Bathroom. Mine's like 30. Living alone is a gift. I look like a troll. Disgusting. Sleep is disgusting. It can be disgusting. Oh, sleep. You sleep disgustingly? Sleep is beautiful. You can't help it. You do too. You think you wake up fresh as a daisy? No. But I don't think I wake up disgusting. Yeah, you do. Cool.

- How do you know you're in my bed? - Like your breath smells? - Exactly. - Yeah. - You think anyone, you wanna kiss someone who's been sleeping for eight hours, really? - No. - No. - Okay, well then you woke up disgusting. - I don't wanna kiss them even if they had nice breath in the morning. I don't wanna wake up and kiss another human. - I don't wanna kiss anyone, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, except my dog. - Dog, yeah. - Yeah.

I mean, I guess you sleep disgusting. I wouldn't say disgusting. Sleep makes you disgusting. It does because during the night your body is repairing, but it is also, you know, shit is in your eyes. Your breath stinks. I see it in movies. People wake,

and they kiss each other. And I'm like, I throw up a little in my mouth and I'm just watching it on the screen. Is that why you only lasted a year living with somebody? Because you're like, this is so disgusting. Well, morning sex always was an issue because like... I don't like it. I don't like it for similar reasons, I think, than morning sex. And you have to pee. Peeing, bad breath. Like there are many...

There's a scene in Bridesmaids, but it's the thing where she's in bed with a guy. Right. In this case, it was John Hamm. Okay. And she gets up. She's...

He sneaks out, goes to the bathroom, does her makeup, and then pretends that he wakes up next to this perfect woman. Oh, I've done that. Because I guess we are discussing that. Oh, I just sleep with makeup on in the beginning of a relationship, and then I go, I'll get a facial later to take care of how bad this is going to do a number on my skin. Well, here's the thing. I got beat up.

And my father worked nights. He was in radio. He got up at noon, went to work at 3 in the afternoon, drove from New Jersey suburban to midtown Manhattan, worked on the radio.

when radio had news every hour. Right. And then drove home at 11 o'clock. And that era tanked every night because they would go to the Ho-Ho and have martinis. Damn. And get in the Chevy and just drive up the Palisades Parkway. And it was always fine. Just sucked it up. Thank you, Jesus. I mean, that's just the era it was. Yeah, yeah. And so I was in bed by the time he got home. I never saw my father during the week. Damn.

Because I was a kid. It was fine. He never was there for dinner. Right. So it was great for this because I could not tell him because I was more ashamed that, I mean, some guys get into a fight. I was not in a fight. You got your bucket. The dog should beat me and never got off a shot. And, you know, I did not want him to know. And my mother...

i didn't go to school because my face was up my mother called and said i had bronchitis

Even my sister doesn't know this, by the way, because she was off at college. This was her freshman year at college. So it was just my mother and me. And my father must have known because my face was still... He didn't say anything? No, because she must have told him. Oh, like don't embarrass you. Right. Like he doesn't want to think that he didn't live up to his manhood by fighting more effectively against...

That's what was in my 14-year-old head. Right. He obviously gave you a sign that he would have judged you. No. Well, no. My father wasn't fucking the great Santini. Okay. He was fucking cool. Yeah. You know, I mean, he was Irish. He had his moments. But, you know, he...

No, they were enlightened for the 60s parents. This was 1970. Yeah. But she must have said, don't say anything because he's apoplectic that you will be disappointed. And so he didn't. That's sweet. And I stayed out of school that week with my bronchitis. Mm-hmm.

And then, you know, went back and I was a little more careful about the jokes I made after that. Yeah, yeah, that'll do it. You know, I'll save this for when I get to catch a rising star. Right. This will work good at the end. The comic strip. Yeah, the improv. I think this is, well, you guys, you were in clubs, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we tour. We'll be in clubs tomorrow. Yeah. Improv tomorrow, yeah. Together? Yeah.

Well, we open the show together a lot of times, but we do stand up as separate comedians. Yeah, I've been going on the road solo doing an hour. That's a fucking whew. An hour doing five-hour shows over a weekend is really awesome. It's really fun. It's a really fun athletic, mentally athletic thing. What's that, two Friday and Saturday and one Sunday? One Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday.

Thursday is the best night. I remember that era in my life, and it's like, I'm so glad I don't have to do that. You just theater in and out. One-nighters are the dream. You might find it exhilarating. I would find it just... It's tiring. Well, I don't like to do my set, certainly not more than once a night. Right. But even after the second night, I'm done for two weeks. Yeah. Because my material, I want to be like...

Familiar with it enough to do it great, but not bored with it. Being bored with it is a death sentence. And I had it fine-tuned to the max level.

of where a set can be. And there's just something so satisfying about that. Yeah. Taking something and refining and refining. And I mean, I'm a tinkerer, you know, I mean, some comics. Word economy. You have good word economy. Word economy. Yeah, I'm right. That's a lot of it is what you're getting that set down to like, no, just like, you know, that's one of the main principles of any art form. A statue has no extra clay. A great novel has no extra clay.

Chapters have no extra paragraphs. Paragraphs have no extra sentences. You've got to be able to kill your children. Kill your babies, yep. Yeah, I went to film school and it was big. Like if you ever watch the director's cut of a film, it's always trash because they want to keep everything. Sometimes they...

The customer's correct cut of the film is trash because they kept too much. Movies are generally too long. Most things are generally too long. Great to meet you. Relationships, yeah. Our time is up. I'm going to go jump on your trampoline, though. No, no. I do have a trampoline. I saw. Trampolines are the best. I'm a child. Oh, you're up there, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. I had a two-and-a-half-story apartment on 34th Street for 11 years in Manhattan. Wow. And I lived in it with a boyfriend, and then I broke up with him. He moved out, and I had this huge apartment of myself, and I converted the loft. There's a loft on the third floor, and I made it like this Alice in Wonderland-themed. I wallpapered it. I went to thrift stores and got all these vintage prints. I covered the ceiling in flower vines, and I just smoked weed and read books in there, and it was...

It was the time of my life. So what years are we talking about on 34th Street? What years? Yeah. I did, that was like three years ago or two years ago. Oh, three years ago. Yeah, I did this, yeah. I just moved to Brooklyn. I was like, was that when you were a grown child? So you don't live out here? No. No. Yeah, we live in New York City, yeah. Oh.

- Do we have to leave now? Is that okay? - No! I mean, I'm surprised. - Have you ever-- where in New Jersey are you from? I'm from New Jersey. - I lived in New York twice. - Yeah. - Oh, I know New York. - Yeah. - I like the energy. - I like the "you're always in someone's way." I kind of like that. - I hate that.

That's what I hated. People would say, "Yeah, I get all my energy from the people on the street." I'm like, "I use all my energy trying to get by these people on the street." - Right, right. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I moved to LA and I loved it from the beginning. It's beautiful. I mean, also, you can do this. It's much more conducive. It's also more of a boys' town. New York is a girls' town. New York-- - Way too many women. - I understand why you-- why women want to live in New York. Women rule New York, I think.

They do because there's not a lot of guys to date there. So, yeah, that's true. Is that what it is? I find there's so many guys in New York to date. I mean, yeah, I don't know. I go through a lot of guys in New York. You do? Yeah. Well, I'm starting to again. Yeah. I feel like there's a lot, the ratio of like badass chicks to badass dudes, I feel like there's more badass chicks there. I think that's so true. Yeah.

Yeah. I think there's more penis chicks everywhere, though. True. Every time I meet someone's boyfriend, I'm disappointed. And every time I meet someone's girlfriend, I'm much more often impressed than when I meet a boyfriend. I could sign on to that. Yeah. I get that. Yeah, especially in your age group because men take an impossibly long time to mature. I agree.

Wow. We are on the same page. You are. Oh, a wrap. Oh, yeah. You're going to be here for hours. Well,

- Are you kidding? - When we were in, yeah, I know, when we went through the garden and I was like, oh no. - When the car pulled away, they were like, see you never. - Get comfortable, I hope you packed a lunch. - And then you made an appearance, I was like, this is a prank show. I thought you and Johnny Knoxville were gonna come out. - Really, they didn't? - But seriously. - I love just walking in and finding two interesting people. - Oh yeah, oh I didn't see that. - Drink what you like. - Best friends only. Drink what you like, say what you want. - Oh, that's great.

Have you ever read Dr. Joe Dispenza? You know what? I love him. The person who does my hair, not that my hair needs doesing. Recommended that book.

- He's got a lot of good ones. - I got it on Amazon. - Is it the placebo effect? He's written a couple. - It was thick as a brick. I mean, that book is dense. - There's a lot of science to it. - So if you could sum it up to me in one sentence. - He's basically a human being's inquirer. - I absolutely will. - I'm your biggest fan. - I absolutely will. When you get into a state of meditation, you achieve brain heart coherence, which means your heart is actually beating at the rate that it should be beating so it can pump blood to all of your extremities in the way that your body can heal itself,

We have cannabinoid receptors in our body naturally. We have opioid receptors in our body naturally. I know I do. Right. I have a bunch too. Why are they receptive? Yeah, it's great. I love giving them more to do. They put up a welcome banner. Welcome cannabinoids. Yeah. I have a codependent relationship with my cannabinoid receptors.

But he basically says when you achieve a state of meditation, you achieve heart coherence and essentially you can heal your body. You can heal your body. He healed himself from a spinal cord injury in ways that medical, Western medicine is baffled. But really because when you go to a doctor in America, you give your power away to them and go fix me.

but that's not how it works. Again, on the macro level, this is all about the mind-body connection, which is a fundamental principle of holistic medicine, which I subscribe to in general. I mean, I have quibbles with it, as many I do with Western medicine. But one of my big problems with Western medicine is that they do not allow for

or countenance in any way, the mind-body connection. If you can't quantify it on a chart that we measured, and it's not that simple. - Very close-minded. - 200 years ago, pretty much the main medical remedy was placebo. - Mm.

People thought. Right. Because they actually were doing things that were counterproductive to your health, like rubbing dirt into wounds. Stupid shit. Yeah. But because people thought...

He was a doctor. Yep. They actually got better in spite of the horrible thing that they were doing. They actually initiated their own healing process mentally. Yes. So it's a little like the ghost thing. Do we know everything? We really don't. But there's something there. There is just way more to mind, body, health.

the unconscious and what role that plays is enormous there's a do you know john sarno who that is okay he's a he died a few years ago was famous enough to get a biography in the new york times end of year these are the important dead people issue yeah uh he was a very very famous and very uh

celebrated New York surgeon, did all the sports teams or some of them, back surgery. And at one point he said, "I can't do this anymore. Most of the people I'm operating on, it's not about their back, it's about their mind." - Yes. - And he wrote the book, "Haling Back Pain." And then like all doctors, he wrote the same book a few other times, with different titles. - Right, right. - But you know that. And the basic idea was that the subconscious

is giving you pain. Now it's real pain, but the subconscious can cut off oxygen. The autonomic nervous system, that's the nervous system that we have that we don't think about. It's breathing. You don't think about breathing. All the functions, yeah. It's flight or fight. Why do people go white when they're scared? Because the blood drained out of there because your autonomic nervous system said we need it in our arms and our legs. Yep.

You're thinking brain shuts down, yeah. And so it can cut off oxygen and give you pain. And the reason why it does it is because that way you're thinking about your back pain instead of your divorce or your mother or whatever your unconscious is trying to. And isn't it wild that somebody would get a pill for back pain instead of actually getting to the root of the problem? Or surgery. Yeah, that's crazy. Which doesn't, you know. When the back pain was the body's smoke signal.

It's not something to cover up with a bandaid. When they do surgery on most discs and that stuff, I mean, they're shaving a part of you, right? Yeah. So that they're not rubbing together. But the two things that are rubbing together, they haven't stopped that movement, you know? Yeah. A friend of mine said it's like they fixed the leaky pipe, or they cleared up the puddle on the floor, but they didn't fix the leaky pipe. Yeah, the source. Yeah.

Yep. Have you read Wim Hof's book? Wim Hof? I know exactly who that is. So I've been doing the breathing technique. Wait, wait. We've got to tell people Wim Hof. People out there are going, oh, Wim Hof. Every human is hilarious. Wim Hof? Oh, my God. Every human is hilarious. Thank God. He's a fun guy. Wim Hof is Danish. I fucking love that guy. Yeah. Okay. Wim Hof, if you don't know, is a Danish...

I don't know what the fuck he does for a living, but I know what he does. He proved that with just breathing, just intense breathing, like for like, you know, five minutes, like three times, 30 times a night. Once a day. Yeah, three rounds once a day. You can, I mean, he climbed Mount Everest in shorts. You can withstand incredible cold. He sat in ice baths. He's called the Iceman. Yep. Right? Yep. Yep.

And he's taken other people with injuries, with autoimmune disease to climb mountains. Right. To climb mountains that seasoned, skilled mountaineers can barely do. And he took these Joe Schmoes with health problems and proved that it could be done. This man is incredible. And you're born with everything you need. Your natural pharmacy can be activated. You just have to know how to activate it. Like when you play Mario, the mushrooms and stuff, you have them all in here. This may get taken down.

or some, just this, right, this simple person, simple truth. - This is my experience. - But that's where we are in America. - Yeah, yeah. - Like we can't hear,

That anything bad ever happened from anybody, it's like, it's part of the... Because people's nervous systems are in fight or flight. I've never been an anti-vaxxer. I'm just like, I want the truth about it. So just don't tell me until you figure out cancer. Until you can tell me, oh, we know why you got it and we know what to do about it. We're not there. Don't tell me that...

Please, just do what we say everything about. You have to be skeptical. Because I don't trust you. You've been wrong about too much. You don't know too much. And we don't know. I had to quit my dentist recently because he wanted x-rays every time I went. That's unnecessary. Unnecessary. And that's so bad for you. Yeah, and the rays. Yeah. I'm like, if I have a problem, I'll tell you. Right. Then maybe you can do it. Right. You know, I don't want...

It's like when the airline calls you. It's never a good thing. Never. I'll call you. It's never for an upgrade. I'll call you if there's a problem. But like, I don't want x-rays. And their view was like, well, we know it doesn't hurt you.

And but you don't know. You don't know that. You don't know. There's a million different things that it could combine with. And it's obviously so bad. We need a lead plate and you leave the room. Yeah. The nurse gets out of there and you're like, where are you going? Yeah, no, that's not. I thought this was safe. OK. That's not good. So, you know, I don't know what that combined with.

The fact that I ate a lot of tuna fish, right, with mercury or a thousand other things. The plastic water bottles I drank out of and was it BPH or what is the thing? Yeah, the chemical. The chemical. I mean, there's a million things. Electromagnetic energy. Anything. Microwaves, cell phones. Microwaves. Right. Anything. And we just don't know.

We just don't know. I never like to take a medicine fresh off the market because the OBGYN is always trying to give you something that they just invented. And they're like, no, this is great for you. I'm like, I'm going to wait a couple. Even with like, I have LASIK. I wasn't the first person to get LASIK. You don't want to be the first person to put a laser in your eye. That's wild. I let other people do it. And then I got it years later and I can see because of that. Yeah, I've had it three times. Yeah, it's great. Wait, are those...

Sometimes you need a little correction. Well, nothing less. It was just cool guys. Lesson there, youngin', is nothing less. Yeah. Okay. I think I first got it in 99, but I needed a touch-up. And then after the third one, they're like, well, we can't do any more. Oh, yeah. You got three. Yeah. And then I started wearing glasses, and it was a big emotional, it shouldn't have been.

But to me, it was just sort of, I don't know, things take on a significance they don't deserve psychologically. You put some weight on it? Like aging. 28 years without glasses and television, and now I have to work. Like, I couldn't see the prompter anymore. Right. No contacts? I can't. No, contacts don't feel good in my eyes. I can't never wear rings or, you know, I wear a watch here, I guess, just because I'm

I don't know, I'm dressing up for you. Thank you. I don't usually wear a watch. Thank you. I don't like, I can't be in a dress. It's the same with being alone, I think. I don't like bracelets, so I can't be alone. I don't like being adorned, you know? Right. I like... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Makes sense. All right, well. Sold tips. I gotta go back to my day job. This is so cool. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Appreciate it. Group hug. Group hug, that's fine. Club hug.

Kind of the old sitcoms. Yeah. Such a pleasure. Thank you. Thanks for having us. I could have done it. Closer to you.