Dave Rubin | Club Random with Bill Maher
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intern on the... For a week. When you did those shows in Brooklyn. Oh, right. The mafia shows in Brooklyn back in like 2000 or something. You know what? That reminds me of the era of television where they did what they called sweeps months. Yeah. They took ratings three times a year at the ratings company. February, May, and November. Yeah. So during those months, every fucking show had to do something stupid

You did Mafia Week. That's what it was. Right. We were in New York doing a week of shows about the mafia. In a real shitty area, if you remember that. But that's how you got Fonzie with the phrase, jumping the shark, comes from Happy Days. You had to go to Hawaii because sweeps. He literally jumped the shark. Because it was sweeps month.

Right? And so you have to do something. And so they would just do all this stupid shit.

Oh, I'm glad you're having a drink. I'm going to have a drink with you. I can't smoke the pot with you. I don't care. I don't think I can. We'll see what happens. But I could get pretty dumb pretty quick. I used to be a pro, but I'm a little... You know, first of all, I've never been a pot proselytizer. Yeah. Like, you do you. Yeah. Whatever the fuck you want to do. I care if you smoke. I've also never understood when people say that to me. Like, come on, have a drink with me. What the fuck do you...

fuck do you care if I'm drinking or not? You do you. Sometimes I don't want to drink. This is not one of those times. Okay, good, good. But there are times when I don't. What's your drink usually? You know, I'm a very sparing drinker these days, but when I do drink, I drink tequila. That's why I'm the most interesting man in the world. You are. Cheers, man. What was that? What did the most interesting man in the world drink? He was Dos Equis. Oh, right.

What was his catchphrase? Oh, I don't usually drink beer, but when I do... Drink Dos Equis. That was a brilliant ad campaign. They did all right with that thing. We did a funny parody of that with Mitt Romney once. The least interesting man in the world. But we parried it very accurately. I'm sure they could dig that up on YouTube. So I got a copy of my first book over there, which you will appreciate because...

It is dedicated to the guy who used to own this house because of you, actually. Who used to own this house? Freddie Fields? Affleck. Ben Affleck. Oh, this house, right. This house. Because my whole political awakening pretty much happened watching an episode of Real Time when Sam Harris was on with Affleck and that thing. And I was a lefty my whole life.

And I saw that moment and I was like, holy shit, this is what I have been seeing and freaking out about. So I dedicated my first book, which is a defense of liberalism. So that was 2014. How old were you then? Yeah, 2014. So that's eight years ago. I was 38.

38? I'm 46 now, yeah. Wow. Yeah. Wow, you look good for 46. I thought you were much younger. Oh, I'll take it. I'll take it. No, no, just because of what you say. Oh. I'll take it. You look like you're 100. No, you look great. No, you look... No, I tell you, always, I used to do a bit 100 years ago about like...

Are gay men good looking because they like, how did this bit go? So why are all gay men good looking? Do good looking guys look in the mirror and go, I'm not waiting this on chicks. Yeah, it's like, come on, who needs it? Who needs the headache? I just feel like,

I was never destined to be a gay man. Not that I'm ugly, but it's just not that look. I don't know that I was destined to be a gay man. I happen to be married to one. Right. But I don't really like dancing. I don't like show tunes. I don't like any of that stuff. So I was closeted for a long time. But come on. There's one thing. But dicks in the ass, you do like that. All right. I'm definitely going to have to drink more.

I mean, look, I'll be honest with you. I never got that whole thing. Look, whatever blows your dress up, I've always been a libertarian about all those kind of matters. When I first was on, and politically incorrect, that's what they all called me, libertarian. Maybe I called it myself. And in some ways, I still am, very much so, a libertarian. And I don't think it's coincidental that liberal and libertarian come from the same root.

Freedom. Freedom, man. That's it. That's why I fled this place, by the way. I fled Cali this year. I couldn't take it anymore. Is that right? Yeah. I lived in LA for the last eight years. I left on December 17th, 2021. Where'd you go? And I'm back for one day. I honestly, I hate this place. I'm in Florida. I'm in free Florida, man. Oh. Well. I'm in free Florida. Yeah. I'm in Miami. It's pretty sweet. Believe me, I'm in Miami.

I looked hard at Miami, and I'm not going to live in Miami. Okay, first of all, it's like Vegas with a beach. The service is a little slow. If I was your age, maybe I would live in Miami. It's just too wild. I do love...

Isn't that funny? Miami used to be thought of as the Golden Girls and old, and now it's too wild. Well, it's both. I mean, South Beach is not the Golden Girls, but it certainly is still God's waiting room, the southern end of Florida, absolutely. Yeah. But...

No, I get it about Florida. I've talked about Florida a lot. It's a love-hate relationship, but so is my relationship with California. But I ain't going anywhere. Who am I kidding? I mean, it's just I'm too dug in, and my friends are here, and my studio is here, and there's still some great things about California. How crazy did it all make you, though, during these? Like, I could not take it. Like, two weeks into all the lockdowns and everything...

I knew it was never coming back. I also didn't live. You're in a pretty swank spot. Obviously, I was off Ventura. The riots were going by my house. Now you've hit on the one raw nerve with me on this issue that could make me go to Florida or anywhere else, and that's COVID and their overreaction, in my view, and their limited ability to understand that COVID

Please. Look, I want to be a team player, but you can't get inside my body. No. And that has to be my decision. Remember when they were for My Body, My Choice? Wasn't that them? Okay, that's an unfair analogy.

Because we're talking about a different life that's not my life. Okay? I am pro-choice, but I've always said I totally understand their side. And I don't like it when people say, oh, they just hate women. They don't hate women. They think it's murder. And I don't agree with that, but I totally respect it. And I get it. It is not a life, but it's undeniably becoming a life. It is a gray area. I get it.

That's different than, this is my body. This is my body, my health, and to pretend that you have enough information,

With all the things they've been wrong about. Everything. I'm not talking about COVID. I'm talking about medicine in general. All the things they've been wrong about, not mostly because they're corrupt, just because we don't know that much. And all the things they don't know and are still knowing. And every week there's some new story about something. I always say somebody should write a book about medicine and call it, call it,

Now you tell me. Like they just found out that metabolism, which they always thought slowed down in age, actually doesn't. Now you tell me. You know, all the drugs they pulled off the market because they said they were safe and effective, but they weren't. Yeah.

Now you tell me. Eggs, you eat yolks, you don't eat yolks. Yeah, right. It's like you don't have a monopoly on what the truth is about medicine. And we're all individuals. My profile is different than somebody else's profile. So what might be right for them...

Would I recommend as many vaccines and boosters as they have for people who are 100 pounds overweight? I would. You probably need them. I don't, or I don't think I don't. And that should be my decision. And even if it did affect you, which it doesn't, because we know that having the vaccine, you can still transfer it just as easy or get it just as easy. So that's a red herring argument to begin with. It shouldn't involve that. But even if it did...

It's still my body. I want to be a team player. I want to help everybody. But you can't come inside my body. So that's the one area where I could see having to decamp from. And that would be a terrible thing in this country where you can't.

Live in the state you want to live in because of some government policy about medicine isn't it weird though because I mean I remember sitting just a year ago when I was deciding basically to move and I campaigned with with Larry Elder You know Larry Elder you've done some stuff with him over the years. I campaigned I wouldn't call it doing some stuff. I mean like you've done a radio show with him or oh, I don't know about that Maybe he did politically incorrect. I like Larry. I mean he says some goofy conservative shit and

But so do you. That may well be. And that's okay. Yeah, that may well be. And some people think I do. Most of the people who love me love all of your crazy conservative – I mean, that's a nutty one for you, right? But I'm not conservative. Of course you're not. I'm just appropriately critical of the excesses of the left, which are plenty these days. Well, same. Same.

I think it could be sane. And sane. When people say to me, oh, Bill Maher is getting red-pilled or something, and I talk about you a lot on my show because you've been a huge, huge influence on me. I remember seeing your HBO special, I don't know, when was your first HBO special? Like 88 or something? Something around there? I think it was 89, yes. Yeah, and the thing about half Jewish, half I bring the... Oh, that's my first act. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then politically incorrect and all that. So I talk about you a lot on the show, and then people ask, well, wait a minute, you and Bill used to sort of see...

eye on all of this stuff. And then I kind of shifted a little bit. And then they'll say to me, Bill's sane. And I go, well, liberals were supposed to be sane. Yeah, Bill was always sane. I must say. Yeah, yeah. But that's got to be weird watching everybody go nuts. I mean, I watched them all go nuts. I watched them all go nuts. And shifting is okay.

Because things change. So sometimes we have to change, you know? And sometimes we grow, we learn, take in new material, you know? The last thing I'd ever want to be is a politician who has to pretend that you have the same view at 60 that you had at 18 or else you're some sort of a flip-flopper or, you know, he's not consistent and...

Masturbation. He was whacking off five times a day when he was 18, and now he's down to one. What's going on with Senator Diddleflopper?

So, but now you're some kind of a Jew, aren't you? Some kind of. I'm born in Brooklyn. When it was before hipster Brooklyn, I grew up in Long Island. You know, more Jews than Jerusalem. It's getting Jewier every minute. Keep talking. I shifted into Jew mode there. Yeah. Well, look, I think partly what's going on here is that a lot of conservative Jews.

Well, I think Jews probably should be conservatives most. First off, I don't even consider myself a conservative. The book that I'll give you at the end there, it's a defense of classical liberalism. I think you'd read the book and you would go, you know, maybe a little bit. I'm more on the like, I don't really want any government programs anymore. So I definitely have more of that stuff now maybe than you do. But I think you'd read that book and be like, yeah, we're 95% there politically. And even I was watching your, I was watching Club Random with

with Woody just a couple days ago. And by the way, I'm wearing shoes. That was an interesting little... Oh, my God. Aren't comedians all supposed to be germaphobes and you let the guy wander around with no shoes? That boy. Is that the show where I said to him, you used to come over here like Huckleberry Finn? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely. Well, he had shoes when he came in. Yeah, and then just decided... But he has come over here and he didn't even have a pair with him. What if I just took my pants off now? Yeah.

Let's really see about your little gay thing over there. They told you this was. They said I could do whatever I want. You can do whatever you want. Club Random, it says it right behind me. What does it say? What is the motto? VIP Lounge, drink what you like, say what you want. That's right. Ain't that the truth? See, you are an old school liberal. Oh, I am. You are an

But it's getting lonely. Don't you think it's getting lonely in a way? Just watching so many of the people that you used to think were sane or guys that you would bring on your show over the years that really were sane. That goes both ways. Yeah. Because I certainly have seen a number of people become Trumpers and like, you know,

I don't want to reveal too much and have people know who I'm talking about, but some people who you would never think, who are not that, you're not like 60, 70 years old. I'm talking about 40.

And from places you would never think and now are full on QAnon. Democrats eat babies and there's a pedophile. I don't think they eat them. They drink the blood. It's not an eating situation. They order them. Yeah. They order them and then push them around the plate. Yeah. That's really what they do. But it's that sushi spin thing, you know. But still.

But watching the lefties sort of go nutty, because that's sort of what people say about you now, that you stayed. And they kind of did go nuts. I wish they didn't. I wish they didn't. Oh, me too. Except that it's more material. Where did you see it? I used to have...

What happened? When did you see it first? Like, when did you see the thing really changing, do you think? Well, Jonathan Haidt is the one who I think pinpoints the year, not that anything ever happens in one year, but he says 2015 was a turning point. Something to do with the phones and also like Gen Z. I remember talking about in the

pre-2015 era, like talking about with people the idea that the millennials, okay, they're just too soft. And it will switch back with the next generation. And of course, Gen Z was way worse. It only goes one way in this country, worse. You know why? And it got worse.

Like 2015 is when we get microaggressions and like some of the like stuff that even makes fucking millennials look like Marines, you know? Yeah. The really kind of silence is violence and like- He, she, him. Really, what are you talking about shit? Yeah, yeah. Came with the Gen Z. So I feel like that is a more, and then of course Trump,

was that same year, was when he announced, 2015. So you have this confluence of like, you know, the phone shit, whatever that was, I can't remember, plus the new generation, plus this horrible human on the right who's scaring everybody way left. Like picture a room and someone farts. Yeah.

And everyone's just like, horrible fart. And they go to the other side of the room. So everything tilted toward this kind of crazy left. And then I feel like it just stuck. Do you have any friends or guests that you've had on? I have so many friends. I want a list of friends. Just from Club Random. I mean, Chevy Chase was just here. That was pretty cool. Oh, my God. How great was that? I wasn't here. I only saw the end. But I assume it was pretty good.

Unbelievable. I mean, he still is Chevy Chase. I was so verklempt about that. He's still got that same little boy in him. Who were your comedy heroes? Oh, my comedy heroes. What is this? Bob Costas? Yeah, yeah. This is Bob Costas. Oh. Who do you watch stand-up that you were like, I'm going to do stand-up? Mostly Stanley Myron Hendelman.

No. I don't know who that is. Good pause there. He was this comic. Like in the era when, like there was this brief period, like late 60s, early 70s, like before comedy became the comedy clubs and there was like a million comedians, there was like one comic, new comic a year.

And one year it was Stanley Myron. I have no recollection of that. No, of course not. But you could, I'm sure, YouTube him. And then there was like Kelly Monteith. And there was, who else? Guys like that. Oh, there was a guy who, his whole act was that he was a rich kid. Yeah.

My daddy bought me blocks. Boardwalk and Park Place. That's not bad. It's terrible. What was his name? But that was his whole, I mean, you can get away with that being your whole fucking act. Yeah. That your daddy was rich. What the fuck was that guy's name?

I don't know. But... Isn't that funny, though? I asked you, like, who your comic influences are, and you basically named a couple guys that nobody's ever heard of. Yeah, because you asked me, like, a fucking question that they ask on Entertainment Tonight, and this is club random. No, but I... We don't do that shit here. We don't do that shit here? No, we don't do, like, who are your community heroes, and, like, you know, what's your... What kind of outpost does your dog eat? I mean, you know, that's too, like, question you get in the press, right?

Here we're just, we're here to talk about gay sex, Dave. We're gay sex? I want to know. I do want to know one thing. Yes, yes. Is, now, okay, so when did you, when did you, you started out liking girls or thinking, or you never did?

I never really thought about it that way, sort of, because, well, first off, people always say to me, you don't seem gay. That's the thing that I get all the time. You don't seem gay. How dare you? That is wrong. Right, right. Just say seem.

About gay. Fortunately, I'm not a millennial, so I don't get upset that quickly. I can't quite put my finger on why that's offensive, but I'll come up with something. That's what they spend most of their time doing. That should be the next name of the next woke book. I'll come up with something. That's funny. And they will. Get offended first. We'll figure it out later.

But I never seemed gay, sort of. But like when you were 13. Yeah. Okay, I always think there's two questions you can ask a person if you only have five minutes with them. Which was their comic influence. That's the first one. And what's the other one? Not that. Got that one already. What's the other one? Not that one.

There's two or three questions. What do you think about when you masturbate? I'm talking about like they take sodium pentothal and they have to tell you the truth. You only have a few minutes to get to know them. How do you get your money? Who are you fucking? What do you think about when you masturbate? If you get those three answers on, you know, I mean, sometimes it's not that easy.

I mean, how do I get my money? HBO pays me to be with some advertisers here. You know, I'm not like selling fentanyl on the street. You know, I mean, I was a drug dealer. LA is a great place to do it, though. If you asked me that when I was 20 years old, it would be a difficult question to ask because I was at Cornell. I'd say, like, well, I sell whatever drugs my drug dealer has, and I sell them to anyone who'll buy them. That's not a good answer. I went to SUNY Binghamton. Oh.

Oh, really? 40 minutes away. I used to go to Cornell. I had a couple of buddies there. My dad went to Cornell. Why would anyone go to Cornell if you didn't actually go to the school? It's like walking. I went. I had a buddy there. They had a nice hockey rink, you know. You know what? It was mostly guys. And you could kill yourself very easily there. That was the big thing, right? But it was mostly guys. That's probably why you went there. That's why I hated it. Yeah.

There weren't a lot of girls at Cornell? Is that right? No, not in 1975. It was the Ivy League had just, you know, what do you call it? Desegregated. We were integrated. We just weren't co-ed. Yeah. You know, and, oh, I didn't know how to get girls then anyway. But yeah, there were not very many girls there. Did you have any classes with Carl Sagan? No.

Was he there at the time? He absolutely was. Did you have any classes with him? You know what? I feel like I might have taken that class because he was on The Tonight Show a lot, and I loved The Tonight Show. But I think I took the class, and he taught it maybe once because he was off doing his... He was a celebrity. I'd ask you what you think of Johnny Carson, but I don't want to offend you. Well, no, Johnny was my hero. No, Bill, please, please. No.

I get it. You like Johnny Carson. Okay. It's not that kind of. Okay. No. We are brought to you by SignalWire, the real OGs of software-defined telecom. Remember that horror movie where those kids got phone calls that predicted their own deaths? Talk about a sucky user experience. Well, if you're developing a product or app that features real-time communications like voice or video, SignalWire can help make sure your user experience doesn't turn into a horror show.

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non-fiction. And I thought the movie, I mean, it actually changed my life. I ate pot brownies. You'll love this. Really? Changed my life. You thought that movie changed your life? Tell you, I was 21. It came out in 97. Changed my life, too. Now I don't watch movies without reading a review first. Oh, Bill. No, I'm kidding. No, it's a great one. I can move you on that movie. Listen to this. Good, because I thought it sucked out loud. Oh, really? Yeah. I'm shocked. The one where they're like writing...

They're just like all that writing and like writing look weird writing. No, no, no, no You're thinking of arrival from a couple years. Yes. I am you're thinking of arrival contact was with Jodie Foster and Matthew McConaughey It was written by Sagan. It came out in 97 I ate pop brownies with a bunch of friends like crazy pop brownies. We go to see Air Force One and

But it was sold out. It was sold out. Of course it was. It's America. Get off my plane. Exactly. So we go, what else can we, you know, I've been to Glenn Beck, so I do some stuff with The Blaze, which is Glenn Beck's network. Right. He's got the, like, fuselage of the airplane in his studio from Air Force One.

Oh. From the movie Air Force One, not the actual Air Force One. Anyway, we can't get into Air Force One. I'm all over the place here. We can't get into Air Force One. So we were like, all right, we'll go into this movie Contact. And I have no idea what this movie is. And do you remember the opening scene of Contact? I may never have seen that one. Oh, man, you would freak. Bill, it's everything. Refresh my memory. What happened? So it's a movie about. Aliens? Sharks.

She is an astronomer, and it's loosely based on a character around Carl Sagan, kind of. And she's an astronomer, she gets a message, but now she has to prove it to the scientists. But the believers kind of, you would freaking love it. The whole movie is religion versus science, and...

sort of government versus rationality. Okay, I'll dial it up. I'm shocked. I don't even know why I was telling you that. No, I mean, you know, you very often miss things in life. You can't catch up to everything. I'm thrilled that I can hear at this point in my life a movie that I missed that's going to be great. Oh, you will freaking love it, man. I may not. Yeah.

I think you will. I mean, I may, but I've learned whenever I said that there's something, you're going to love it. It doesn't always work out, but I may. But look, I respect you enough to like absolutely I will make this next on my list. It's next on the list? Contact, absolutely. What else is on the list? Well, that's the thing, nothing. It's not that big a compliment. No. I mean, there's always things I'm watching, but...

What was I asking you about? Something important. Oh, well, something about gay sex and who I masturbate to. I was trying to talk about philosophy and politics, but, you know, so...

You know, I do have gay sex. That's something. Good for you. And I know people find that to be odd or it's a little out there for some people. Well, it is odd. I accept that it is odd, right? Like, it's a little bizarre for people. It's odd, but it's also normal because it's obviously a variation that nature intended. I mean, it's not the majority, but it is consistent and it's throughout history. And for some reason, nature wanted this little sub-variant

where you take it in the ass. I don't get it because I hate shit. So like the idea of fucking and shit is just so anathema to me, I can't even tell you. Bill, do you realize my mother loves you and she's going to watch this? But I mean, it's where... She agrees with you more than she agrees with me. And look, I love that you live your life as you love it and I love that for everybody, but we can't deny that's where the shit comes out of.

It blows my mind because I don't like taking a shit. Right. So the idea that I would stick my dick in there is just weird. But that's why America's great because we have the option and we should be respected for fucking and shit.

I'm a one-issue candidate on that one. Honestly, you'd have half the country, but you do realize that heterosexual people have anal sex. A lot. Yes. The kids. The kids are all about it. They don't even know there's a vagina down there. It's all about anal sex. It seems to be all they care about. What the hell's going on here? You tell me. That's what you're asking me for. I'm the one that...

A guy that's as open-minded as you? Try a little anal. Oh, no. Why not? It's not going to hurt that much. You know, sometimes... Bill, that was funny. I even heard... I heard finally a laugh out of there. It's not going to hurt that much, man. Okay, you're right. Have some tequila. You're right.

No, you get me? This is a subject that... I don't know. I don't feel... I was going to say I feel... I don't feel passionately... I feel passionately... You do. I do. I do feel like I'm not going to do it. You feel very passionately against anal sex. Yes. Only because of, again, the shit factor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That whole, you know, just take away the shit. I'm there. No, I'm not there. Well, but...

Without getting too, you know, there are ways that, you know, you're not always going to. You know what? You know. I love the way we're showing around this.

I may have told this before. You guys don't put this on the internet, do you? We're just doing this for you. Can you imagine if we were actually filming this today? No, I may have told this before, but it's apropos. Bill, my entire crowd wants me to beat you over the head until you admit that you would vote for Ron DeSantis and you're asking me about anal sex. I know, but it's my show, so shut the fuck up. All right, all right, all right.

Keep going. And it's not a political show. I know. It's like if we were actually just sitting around talking, would you like have that agenda? If you had an agenda, I wouldn't invite you here. Yeah. You know. So... I've got to tell this. To put context to this other area. Yes. Like...

When I was like 13 and I was babysitting, this was my job to make money babysitting. Okay. Because who better to be with children than me? Okay. So there was this one house I babysat and they had like a lot of great books and I used to steal some actually.

And they had like one about like, you know, everything you want to know about sex. It wasn't that, but maybe it was that one. That was a very famous book. You probably are a little too young to remember, but a doctor named, I think David Rubin. No, it couldn't have been. Could it have been David Rubin? Everything you want to know. It could have been. It could have been.

Do we have to Google that right now? Do you have a magic light bulb? I think I have some sort of device in my pocket. Look up who wrote. I think it was David Rubin, actually. Oh, my God. Dude. You're freaking out right now. This is how it's supposed to happen. Isn't it freaky? Yeah. Now I may have to smoke some pot. Right. I think you're right. I'm telling you, it was the biggest book of the year. Johnny Carson had him on, and he said the word penis on The Tonight Show. Oh, I don't have Wi-Fi in here.

Can we get someone to just yell? No, no. Can someone yell? No, whatever. We're here alone. That's why this is great. But I'm pretty sure. I think you're right. I think it was Dr. David. It's a common name, right? Sort of. Well, I mean. We're here and you're telling me about this influential moment of your life. And what happens to be a guy with my name? Well, influential in the ass area. Because in the book, and it may not have been this book, but I remember there was a chapter on anal sex, which...

Up until that moment, I never even thought never entered my mind. I just learned about pussy. It's a ridiculous place to put something. I don't know. I had just learned about it. I was like 13. And it said like, and if you have sex in the naughty place, my words, whatever it said, there's very little fecal matter. And from that day forward, those words have rung in my ears.

Very little equals way too much. Way too much. But that's me. Other people don't care. They pick up their dog's poop and shit. They just are not as bothered by poop. Yeah, I just want to be clear here. I don't like poop.

Oh, I'm not a kid. We just had a kid. I don't like even the child's poop. And I know you're not big on kids, right? And that's one reason. You can't be around it. I don't want to deal with their poop. Well, I will tell you one thing about a child. So we have a five-week-old, and the poop does not smell. That's number one. I'm just telling you that. You don't have to have kids. You just have a five-year-old. A five-week-old. And I have another one coming in like two weeks. You look so great, so recently pregnant. I'm trying to get rid of the last. It's not easy.

It was not easy, man. You are my hero. I'm a mess down there. I'm telling you, you look amazing. You look amazing for having a baby five weeks ago. You know, I even came here. So who delivered the baby? The doctor. The doctor delivered the baby.

We had a doctor. I know gay, straight, whatever. You're going to still have a doctor involved. See, I knew I'd break you down. All right. We got it. No, so we had two surrogates. Two.

Why two? So what happened, so I'm 46. You had twins? No, no. So we have, no, no. Twins would be one surrogate with two babies. We had, now you're going to freak, man. So what happened was we've been trying to do this for a couple of years and I actually didn't want kids. I never really envisioned it. Also, when I was growing up, there was no such thing as gay marriage. I didn't even think I was gay. I just thought like people have sex with dudes and you just don't talk about it. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I never read your book. Is this on Long Island? Come on.

I never read the book by David Rubin. Wait, dudes just have sex with other guys? I just thought guys have sex with guys like on the DL. It's just like a thing that people do. No one really talks about it. And by the way, that's, of course, that still goes on. Right. But I just never, because I grew up in the 90s, I didn't, there was no such thing as gay marriage. I never thought of a future, you know? Right. And I think actually,

Totally honestly, I think that's partly how I became successful in a weird way because I put everything I had into my career. Every bit of me. I never dated. You know what I mean? I just gave everything I had to stand up and to everything that I was doing. So it works for a while. But also you can't.

But you figured out, obviously, a lot of other ways to enjoy your life and become a full person. You know, if you're doing it in the name of hiding something, then you've got a real problem. And by the way, a lot of comics do that, obviously, which is why, you know, I read True Story when I was. Oh. Yeah. It's a great book, by the way. Thank you. It is a great book. My novel. People should know more about it. Yeah. Thank you. Even the way you described the comics and one of them is fat and one of them.

It's funny. What was it, fat and shit? Yes. I mean, that was just a device. But in those days, we did have one stock and trade kind of thing. Shit jokes, fat jokes, the way Chinese people spoke, whatever it was. Oh, good. It was a great book. Thank you. But what the hell was it? Oh, so I gave everything to that. And a lot of comics, they end up doing not what you did. They end up going so deep into the fat or the shit that

or whatever that pain is, and they can't get over that thing. Right. And it kills them. I mean, how many of, I can only imagine how many of your friends from those days are dead. I can only imagine. We also have another friend in common who sadly is not, Bob Saget was one of my best friends. It's been a rough year. Yeah. With, for us comics. I mean, I was just at a Memorial Sunday for my friend Ron Zimmerman, who was a,

great comic and TV writer and Gilbert Gottfried we've lost Saget Norm Macdonald

Kevin Rooney, another great comic I started with. Bob I talked to two days before. I had just moved down here and I had talked to him. And Bob and I would argue. Bob was a big lefty and we would argue about politics all the time. Everybody knew Bob Saget. Everyone knew Bob Saget. It's amazing. Every fucking guest I have here. I went to, what's that place in L.A.? Craig's. I'm sure you've been there. And it's like all it is is celebrities and everyone's there to be seen. Great restaurant. We walk in there with Bob. Great restaurant.

Bob shut down everybody. Alec Baldwin was there. Frankie Valli was there. Everyone was there, but everybody knew Bob. It was like, Frankie, I love Frankie Valli. I opened for Frankie Valli. In 1982, three and four, that was like a main part of my income, was opening for Frankie Valli. Please tell me he's a good dude. He's gotta be. Frankie and I always got along great. Oh,

Can I tell you a great Frankie Valli story? Yeah. So I moved from L.A. this past year, but we had my big party for me, 45th birthday last year in L.A. Turns out that Frankie Valli lived like two blocks away from me in Encino. And I found that out because we had the same real estate agent or something, whatever. So I contact, my guys contact his agent and said, I want him to come sing at my birthday party.

And I was like, I'll give him, I don't know, 10,000 bucks. You can literally lip sync Grease. Just come. You can stand in my bedroom on the balcony. You don't have to see anybody. You don't even have to say hi to me. Just come. Do oh, what a night. Just get, you know, literally 10,000 bucks. You're in and out in 10 minutes, literally. And of course, they wanted $100,000. And I know it was nuts, but I don't have that kind of money. So whatever. But get this. So I was so disappointed. That's a little insulting.

Frankie Valli at your birthday party? Yeah, I don't have that kind of FU money. Frankie Valli don't play birthday parties, okay? You're a Jersey guy. It came out right there. All right, my Jewish friend. Frankie Valli does not play birthday parties under any conditions for any amount of money. Frankie Valli has had 21 number one hits.

I made that number up, but he's had a lot of fucking hits. Jersey Boys was a giant show on Broadway about his life. They don't do a show about somebody's life unless you were kind of a big mocker in the business. Mocker. Mocker. See, I did that Jew for you. There you go. Anyway...

So I know, I know, whatever. I offered the 10 grand. I thought, whatever, let's just see. They want a hundred grand. Here you go. Here you go. You're going to pee right here, right now. Oh, wait, who am I talking to? Boy, you really, it's like you're the anal sex thing. Now you want to pee on me. It's a lot, Bill. You know what I mean? Anyway, I can't get over this 10,000. Okay. So fine. It was insulting. He's a fucking clown.

Are they paying clowns 10 grand? All right. Keep going, Dave. I just got to keep talking up with you. So I offer them 10 grand. Whatever. They say no, it's fine. So anyway, that day, it's my birthday. It's on a Saturday.

and I have to go get orange juice. They tell me to go get orange juice. They need it. They need orange juice. I think either my husband told me, his name's David too, by the way, which is hilarious to people. So we got two Davids here. Anyway, he says, go get orange juice. I go to the store to get orange juice and I'm standing in the fruit section and who's there thumping a watermelon?

Frankie Valley. Frankie Valley. And the universe spoke to me because I didn't need him to show up anymore. And I walked over to him. It was right when COVID was still happening. He had the mask and everything. And I just said, Mr. Valley, I know this is nuts. And it's like when people come up to you and they get all whatever. I've met every one of my heroes, every athlete that I've cared about. I've never gotten nervous in any way. I love you. You've

- But you did for Frankie Valli. - But I'm not nervous now. - But you did for Frankie Valli. - I was having trouble talking. I actually-- - But he's not of your era. - I just, I love everything about it. I love Jersey Boys, I love-- - Right. - I love all-- - That's how you got-- - He had a disco freakin' album in the '70s that nobody's heard of that's awesome. - Grease. - No, no, after Grease. - Right.

which was around 77 or something. He had an album in like 79 at the end of disco. There's a song called Soul Heaven Above Me. It will blow your mind. So I assume you know his solo hits in the 70s. Yeah, he had great... My eyes adore you. You know that one. Of course I do.

Though I never put a hand on you. Which in the play or the movie, Jersey Boys, they made about his daughter because remember she dies and that's when they play that. But it really was about a girl that he had a crush on when he was in third grade. Which is why he says I never put my hands on you, meaning he never got to. Swearing to God? I love swearing to God. Sing it.

Swear to God. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not a big singer, but yeah, I love all those songs. I can show you my freaking, you want my, we don't have Wi-Fi here. I can show you my Frankie Valli, it's called the best Frankie Valli playlist. I love Frankie Valli. I'm the one who... You opened for him, apparently. I opened for him. So anyway, he dumped a melon and I got nervous. I threatened your life over his birthday party.

Your birthday party. So if I offered you 10 grand to show up to my house to sing a little bit for a birthday. I'll take it. I was only talking about Fraggy Valley. Me, I'll go.

So what happened? No, so I... Oh, so he looked at me and I was literally like sweating. So you made this offer in the market? No, no, no. I didn't make the offer. I knew it was done already. But the point of the story was that it gave me what I needed. Whatever I... It was like the universe was just like, oh, you wanted this guy to show up. It was insane. But there he is thumping a melon and it was enough. So I babbled something. I don't even know what he said. He looked at me. He probably couldn't even hear me because of the freaking masks and everything. And he goes, great kid, that's great. And then turned around. And I was like, you know what? That was...

Whatever it was that I wanted, whatever it was that I needed there, it was enough. It was enough. Low standards because that wasn't much. It wasn't much. What was he going to do, like serenade me right there? Well, I have two questions for you. Have you been circumcised? Not only was I circumcised, I had to do a bris a couple weeks ago and I got another one coming up. And you do realize the universe is kind of an asshole.

I mean... Usually, but you get moments. It's very odd for me to hear someone who so politically, let's say we say staunch. Yeah. Who? Frankie Valli? Me? You. Yeah? You know. Well, come on. You work with Glenn Beck. I mean, you've said yourself you had a kind of conversion. You're more on the right. Yeah, I'm more on the right for sure. Well, I'm for freedom. To hear you talk about the universe is such a fucking...

Is that weird to you? Yes. Oh, so that's interesting to me. It's disconcerting because it doesn't seem like, when I think of the criticisms that you and I have in common of the left, it has to do with fuzzy thinking and you're not really thinking this through and you're too weak and you're too frail and all that snowflakes, all that stuff, which is all valid. Oh, interesting. I see what you're doing. Okay. The universe.

It's like, you know, the universe, come on, man. What does that mean, the universe? I mean, it's just the vaguest sort of, you must know that the universe really doesn't give a shit about you and is not sending you messages. No, I think you can find messages within the nonsense. That doesn't mean that the universe handed them to you or that even that there's a divine thing

doing it but you can find moments that have meaning like i mean really think about it this way from the universe what well i don't know if you call it the universe or whatever there there are it's not all random here we are in club random it's not all it's not all completely random right you think it's all completely random what do you think it's all what are we saying all the fact that you're here and you showed up on time that wasn't any order that it's any order to any of this

You think it's all just... Well, first of all, we'll never know because we don't know, you know, we can basically... Well, you're right, we'll never know. Look, you say it all the time on the show that it's okay to say you don't know. Absolutely. And you're totally right. Of course you're right. I concede to the physicists that there is such a thing as the Big Bang Theory.

Even though it's so fucking ridiculous that I can't. I mean, there's I can't, and then there's I can't even. That's it. I can't even. But okay, they know more than me. They have their measuring devices. The universe began 14 billion years ago when everything in the universe was inside a little marble and that exploded. Sure. Who doesn't know that? I've seen Men in Black. I got it. But even if you concede that, what happened before that?

Why was it in a marble? Why begin the universe that way? Why begin the universe at all? Who did this? If it's not a who? These are the questions that just make your head hurt. They will never be answered. And so I don't worry about trying to figure them out. Yeah, well, I don't worry about trying to figure them out either. But I think it's interesting what you said there. You're saying that the universe is a shorthand for expressing a certain point of view.

Right? There is something that is the reality of us sitting here right now, right? And then there is some reality that we can't fully grasp that's happening here at the exact same time that you can have incredible moments with that just appear out of nowhere. If you would have said to me, if you would have said to me, this isn't the greatest example, but if you would have said to me in 1997, Dave, you're going to be sitting with Bill Maher at his house. He's going to be smoking pot.

Chevy Chase was just there before blah, blah, blah. You'd be married to a dude. Bill Maher would be talking to you about anal sex. Like that is so fucking bananas. My head would have exploded. Right. My head would have exploded. What does that do with the universe? It has something to do with the universe. No, it has something to do with the universe. You create something.

that you create, you put something into this world that puts some things back to you. But it's interesting that you're, I'm shocked that you're so not seeing that because why wouldn't you see it? Because I didn't see Contact. Because you didn't see Contact. If I'd seen that stone. You take two more puffs in that thing, you'll see it, my friend. You'll see it. I would never waste pot on watching a movie.

Oh, is that right? Really? Really. Really? Even though you can get pot left and right? Oh, I can get it. Oh, I can get it. Yeah, no, you can get pot. I have too much of it because people are always giving it to me. Not that I'm complaining about my charmed life. That's a wonderful part of my life. I have too much pot, so I give it away because, you know, I'm Santa Claus at pot. But it's a passion.

I save, people think I smoke tons of pot. I don't. I save my marijuana use because I want to save my brain and my lungs for the very important moments in my life. Watching a movie is a passive thing. It's interesting. And I do it at night when I'm going to bed. The last thing I ever would do in life is get stoned to watch a movie. I get stoned and I'm going to produce something interesting. Yeah. That's when I get stoned. So you like sativas probably, right? Because you want to be awake. Yeah, but all pot gets me high. Yeah. Yeah.

But yes, I would prefer sativa, but if you gave me indica before I went to sleep, I'd be up all night. It's funny, because I used to smoke a ton of pot, and I'm actually sort of tempted to smoke some pot with you right now, but...

So I have to take the red-eye tonight to go to New York. I'm dinging the bell on Wall Street tomorrow because a company that I sold... Really? Yeah, is going public. Rumble, I don't know if you heard about it. Of course. Yeah, so... Oh, Jesus. Yeah, so I literally came to L.A. to do this with you and I'm taking the red-eye and then I'm going right to... You are Jewish. Yeah, well, I'm having a hell of a 24 hours, I'll tell you that much. Oh, I'm very flattered that you made time in your schedule for that because that's a big fucking deal. That's also the universe saying a little something. Oh...

It is, dude, whether you like it or not. Whether you like it or not. You know what? I'm sitting here with Bill Maher and I'm ringing the bell on Wall Street tomorrow. That's something. I always say, you know, I quote Dawkins who says, on a scale of one to seven, one being total certainty that there is no God. Yeah. And seven being total certainty that there is. Oh, no, I have it backwards. One, zero being total certainty that there is no God.

We got the general idea. You can do it either way. I'll get it to make sense. The YouTube commenters are not going to be kind to you. That's fine. I don't care. They love it because this is a real pot. Right. Okay. Talking. He says I'm a 6.9.

He's not a seven. Yeah. That's Richard Dawkins. Who's going to be on this podcast in October? That'll be good. I love him. I interviewed him once. Oh, yes. It was tough at first because you've got to kind of get to know him a little bit. Sure, exactly. And then a few minutes in, when he realized I wasn't a dick and I wasn't trying to get him, there was just love there. We did it at the 92nd Street Live. Same with me. Yeah. I'm just waiting for you to bring this around to anal sex again. So it's...

Well, now that you mention it. Look, Dave, you know what? If I wanted to be gay, I could be gay tomorrow. Look at that shirt. Of course you could be gay. Excuse me. I could go down to Santa Monica Boulevard tonight at 830 and find a guy named Curtis and pull down my... Oh, God, I'm late. What?

That was very specific. That's why the joke worked. Wait a minute. Curtis, he was with you when you were 13. It wouldn't have been funny if I hadn't made it specific. See, you're a comedian. You know these things. I know how it works. I know how it works. So is, yeah, you keep bringing this up and then you blame it on me. What am I blaming? Is Republican gay sex different? We'll be right back.

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Hey, I'm going to be at Madison Square Garden on November 12th at the Hulu Theater. Bring the kids. Not to the show itself. Please, leave them outside. But the show you're going to love as adults.

You are the master of segues. I'm politically incorrect. Thank you. Did you love that more than the show in a weird way? Yes. Because you could throw to a commercial like nobody, man. You know why I love that so much? Because my hero Johnny Carson was so good at it. Oh, Johnny. Oh, so you liked other comedians back in the day that you want to mention every now and again. Yes. I was wishing you would ask me that question. The other one I loved was Dean Martin. I love...

Dean Martin. You want to see my Dean Martin playlist on here? If my phone had any Wi-Fi in this house. You know why I love Dean Martin? Well, he was a joy. But I could tell he made my mother's panties wet. Like, she watched him Thursday night. His show was on Thursday night at 10 o'clock on NBC. And...

I could just tell, even as a kid. You just knew. I just knew that there was something there. Him and Robert Goulet, who was the other kind of matinee idol of that era. And you have no idea as you get older, the fucking universe doesn't tell you, Dave. But it does. Well, I walked into that one. Yeah.

But you don't realize what got in there when you were young and what has created child is father to the man. And I think a lot of that stuff, I want it to be what I saw

was making a woman horny, I wanted to be that. I wanted to be Dean Martin, Johnny Carson, Robert Goulet, whoever was like doing that to women. Because, you know. Was Johnny doing that to women? Not the way, not quite the way he was. Not quite the way Dean Martin did because it was overt. For me, he was doing it more because I wasn't going to be a singer. Right. Right, right, right. I get it. Right. To be a sexy guy,

who was just doing it with talking and being charming. And sometimes not talking, sometimes literally just taking the hit as someone else was getting a laugh, right? Absolutely. Like, just sitting through it, you know. And what do women like better than, like, you shutting up? Yeah. And letting them have the moment. Yeah. So, yeah, absolutely. I mean, Johnny Carson was...

hero not just comedically but I think like sort of sexually like I wanted to be James Bond or Johnny Carson, you know somebody who was Attractive to women but in a very kind of adult, you know intellectual way because I wasn't gonna compete I'm not an you know, I'm not an athlete and

- But I heard you're pretty good at basketball and I saw the court, man. I got a full court too. My house was, I'll tell you after, I can't tell you on camera, was owned by an NBA player. So I have a sick, yours is awesome, like absolutely awesome, but I have also an awesome full court basketball court. And I know you do your game with the comics and for years when I lived in LA, I was like one day I'll get in Bill Maher's game. Then I got the hell out of here. - I would love to have you in a game. - Yeah, yeah. I will literally come back to LA to play in your game.

There's a party here. I'm not going to say when. We can figure out all the details after. But Woody Harrelson. No, I heard you played with Woody. It's like white man can't jump. Now that he's been here at Club Random on the podcast, he feels like this is, I'm glad he does, that this is sort of like his place. So when he's in town, we have parties here, not on camera. But I'd love to have you here. That would be awesome. I'd love to play ball with you. That would be great. I've heard you're pretty damn good, actually. I am.

- You know what, for a 66 year old man, I can fucking run ragged around that court like anybody. - And you still have all your energy and you feel good. - Continual motion. - You look good. Do you have no physical weird, everyone I know at 46, all my friends that were great athletes, this is broken, that's broken, this thing can't work. - I never broke a bone. I remember a teacher telling me back in school, you know how to fall.

And I thought, that's going to be handy when I get into comedy. No, I didn't think that. I was eight years old. It makes a great story. But no, I felt like the universe was telling me something at that moment.

And it damn well was. No, it wasn't. Come on, Bill. You can't tell me there's nothing else. Which planet? Wait a minute. I'll tell you. I got a good one for you. So my grandma, who was really into... She loved you, actually. Your Bubba? She loved you. It wasn't my Bubba. This was my atheist grandma on the other side. This was my atheist... Isn't Bubba Jewish for grandma? Bubba is Jewish for grandma, or Yiddish for grandma or something. But this was my atheist, hated religion, you know, very like...

Santa Fe, New Mexico, out there, Grandma. So she had a place in the... No, why are we picking on Santa Fe? No, because you know what I mean, like just sort of like... Santa Fe's an artistic community. No, artistic but not religious. That's my point. It was like she was into art and she was into literature and she was into theater but not...

But she really hated religion. You know what I mean? And we know that this is what Santa Fe represents to all. To my grandmother it did, I suppose. Maybe not to everyone. To the audience. All right, so we'll slow it down for the audience. Santa Fe, there's clouds. So Santa Fe equals artistic but not religious. Yes. Okay. I just kind of like, I need a scorecard to know the place. I'm trying to somehow connect this with ASX if you give me just a moment. Okay. So she, my grandma...

Her whole life, her whole life was telling me, and she told everybody, she was obsessed with the clouds. She was obsessed with always looking up at the clouds and talking about the clouds. They're so important. The clouds are important. So now I get this. I'm going to blow your mind.

She died on June 27th, 2013. My birthday is June 26th. She was in hospice for about a month and my mom kept saying the entire time, I just don't want her to die on your birthday. She ended up dying about 1230 AM on the 27th. So she made it to my birthday, got a few minutes past, she dies. On the one year anniversary of her death, she lived on a little island on the other coast of Florida, on the West coast of Florida. On the one year anniversary of her death, almost to the hour,

Her place was struck by lightning and burned down. It's the only recorded history ever on this island of something burning down. Now, on the one-year anniversary of her death. So then finally, two years later, we rebuild this. My family rebuilds the place. And I'm with my sister, and we're walking on the island on the beach. And it's a very overcast day. There's no sun. I swear to God this is true. I swear to God. Or whoever. I swear to the fucking thing. I get it. We're walking on the beach, and...

And we were like, you know, it kind of felt like a sign. My dad kept saying the sign was that she was trying to kill us. They didn't. That's kind of funny. They didn't really like each other. Anyway.

I'm walking to my sister and we're like, you know, that kind of felt like a sign that the year to her death, this place burns down, we have this new place, you know, something like what's going on here? And we took a walk and we're thinking about her and we're like, maybe she'll give us a sign right now. And then we were walking now for like three miles on the beach and we were like, we can't do this anymore. I said to my sister, let's just pick the amount of steps that we're gonna walk further and then we'll turn around. And she goes, we'll walk 14 more steps. My sister has always loved the number 14. We walk 14 more steps.

I swear on my life, the sky opens up in like this, like the clouds opened up like this, like there was a hole. The sun beamed down on us, like on us. I'm talking like a perimeter of like six feet around us.

And it was very freaking obvious that something weird was going on there with grandma giving us some kind of sign. And we both began to cry at the exact same time. My sister is not someone that believes in a lot of that stuff either. So like, all I'm saying is there is some, everyone watching this has had some weird thing like that. I'm not saying...

that that proves anything actually or anything like that. But there is some weird thing going on with the universe. There is something there, man. That's all I got to say. And I cannot possibly imagine what's going on in your head right now because you're either sort of agreeing with me or you think I'm completely fucking bananas. And I'm actually completely fine with either one.

Want to ring the bell you want to ring the bell the Wall Street bill Maher money I want to I want to do that. Yeah, that's the coolest. You gotta start a tech company, man You know what I did, you know what I did, you know how I did this I big tech censoring everybody and I started a tech company and I said we're gonna just allow people I wish again I don't have my phone but which is great and

I started an app that basically allows you, as Bill Maher or whoever, to communicate directly with your audience. Video, audio, push notifications. You own it all. We merged with Rumble, and Rumble went public. And it's good. I mean... You want to come with me tomorrow? Come on. You got a plane. You got a plane? Do you have a Bill Maher plane? Yeah, but I got a job, too. Tomorrow? Friday. Get in and out. I'm going to be working... I'd much rather go on the Bill Maher plane. I got to be on JetBlue tonight. I got to work on my job like...

Now. I only do this for a couple hours on Wednesday, and then I go right back to work. I work on my job. I'll work the jokes with you on the plane. We'll get in and out. It would be pretty funny. Bill Maher shows up to ring the bell for Rumble. You wouldn't like me if it was just jokes.

Yeah, I'm sure that's tough. That's got to be tough for the writers. I just always want to deliver the ultimate product I can deliver. Have you fired a lot of writers? I know your main guys are with you, but your main crew is with you forever, right? Absolutely both. Yeah, that's interesting. There's nothing wrong with firing people. You're there for the audience. You're there to get the best product. I have no guilt about that.

Do you do it yourself? I do a lot. What do I do? If you have to get rid of somebody, do you do it yourself? Sure. Yeah? I mean, I think, I don't know. Sometimes it's just like you don't pick up somebody's contract and, you know. Yeah, yeah.

a month later when you go back to work after the season ends they're just not there yeah yeah you know i mean it's like you don't know what happened we have to make this into a sad country song you know i mean things work out or they don't i've been fired it's it's you know um but if i had to choose between the sky opening up thing or ringing the bell

What? I got to say, I go for ringing the bell. But I got both. That's my point. I got the sky thing. I got the bell thing. But I want, I'm not jealous of the sky. Yeah. But the bell, I really think that's awesome. Like that's a big thing in America to, I mean, very often when they do a documentary on something or some footage or when they die and they have like moments of their life,

One of them is ringing the bell. And then Martha Stewart rang the bell. Martha Stewart rang the bell. And then somebody else rang the bell. Wall Street, that's what he wanted to do, right? Not everybody gets to ring the bell. Like a star on the Walk of Fame, you can buy it, kind of. I mean, most of the, I have one. I'm glad they gave it to me, and they gave it to me legitimately. And most of the people are, but I think there's some people on the Walk of Fame who,

who I think you could just buy it. It's kind of like a chamber of commerce thing. But I don't think you can do that with ringing the bell. You've got to get something public. You've got to make it happen. Right. I think it's about money, which they never fuck with. Like the votes, they never seem to be able to count the votes completely accurately. But the bank never says, you know what? This may be a little more than we actually owe you, but you know what? That's fine.

That's pretty cool. Well, I could text you a picture when I'm up there. I don't want a picture of you. I want me. Oh, you want to be up there. I want to ring the bell. I want to have a company go public like that. I was a minority owner of the Mets. Of the Mets. Yeah. So I certainly have done well with real estate. Yeah. Yeah.

Wait, when you were on the Mets or when you were in that, they were still at Shea? No, they were gone. No, this was 2011, so last year. Oh, okay. Yeah, this was the last 10 years. I just got out. Oh, you just got out. Yeah, Steve Cohen bought the team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But no, I've had some great moments playing with money. Have you had any abject disasters, like really bad ones? Oh, yeah, I was with Lehman Brothers.

I remember I had Elizabeth Warren on real time, and I was telling her, this is right after the crash, and I told her about Lehman Brothers, and I said to her, I don't have a question, I just want you to hold me. Oh, I remember the clip. Really? I think that clip, is that clip in the promo for real time when they show it at the studio? I think it was in our anniversary special or something like that. But that's the way I felt at the time because they did just,

Lehman Brothers, and I guess it was the first one that then, and prior to that, they had always like bailed out those motherfuckers, and I had a lot of my money in Lehman Brothers, and this time they were like, yeah, I'm getting a message from the universe. Fuck Lehman Brothers.

I was – so I used to do – I opened a couple comedy clubs in New York over the years where all the comics would basically work together and we'd split the profits. And I opened a few of them in Times Square and we'd be out there barking, handing out tickets, all of the shit. I did it two hours a night, six nights a week for years. What –

years were you doing stand-up comedy not so in new york 98 to basically 2011 98 to 2000 in new york so you worked like the comedy seller and so esty passed me at the comedy seller you remember esty from the comedy seller she was the owner it was her and her husband were the owners um do you remember her uh i only worked the comedy maybe it was a little bit after you

Oh, I mean. Well, I know you were out of like New York City stand at the time, but I thought they owned it for a long time before that. The Comedy Cellar began like my last year in New York, which was 1982. Oh, okay. So it must have been somebody before then. It was a new club. I did work at like my last year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that was the only club that mattered. That's 40 years ago. That was the only club that mattered in New York City, really. Now.

Yeah, I'd say over the last – I'm a little out of the loop now. Right. But when I was there for those years, that was the club you wanted to do the best. I got passed there – I think I was 20. I was right out of college. I, like, did stand-up for, like, a year and got passed. My first night there, and I got, like, the 1 a.m. slot, you know, Wednesday night. There were three people left in the crowd. Chappelle went on for, like, two hours before me, smoking a joint. Everybody ended up leaving because it was way before Chappelle, Chappelle. It was –

And I ended up literally doing stand-up for two, I remember my first night as a past comic at the Cellar, not a bringer or any of that bullshit, doing stand-up for two people. - And what was your act like? - I was always doing politics. All the shit that I talk about now, I was doing stuff about CNN. Now everyone does all that. - But it was left wing?

- It wasn't left or right. It was like, I was doing a lot of, actually it was more media. I was always making fun of Wolf Blitzer and all of these people that were so inauthentic and fake and weird. But I also did a lot of, I did a lot of crowd work also. I like just being in that room and making something funny happen where a lot of my guys, think about it, I started in '98, so Carson had left The Tonight Show in '92.

And Leno took over. And Leno... Wait, you had Leno here? Did you have Leno here a minute? You did have Leno here. So I actually did not like Leno back then. I've come to really appreciate him in a way because I think we could use him now. You know what I mean? I think Amera could really... Oh, absolutely. That's a great point of view on him. Yes. I did not appreciate it then because you didn't know what he thought really. And Letterman, at least you had a better sense of what he thought. No, that's such a great... But we could use... Absolutely. I'm glad to hear you say that. Instead of the...

No, it's horrible. It's horrible. Well, so the irony, the irony, Dave, is that when I started, the knock was you can't do a show

Where you're alienating half the crowd because you're telling your political opinions. And now you can't do a show if you don't. If you don't bow to the point of view of the audience, which is all going to be super woke. But isn't it funny? Who's number one in late night? It's fucking Gutfeld on Fox. I'm doing his show on Friday. He's number one in late night. Number one.

Gutfeld brings in better ratings than Kimmel or Kimmel 2 or whatever the other guy's name is, Colbert, all those guys. Gutfeld, he has literally like three writers. He has probably five staff members on the entire show. It's sloppy, it's messy, but it's fun. And he's cool. He's fun. If you haven't connected with him, you might have some issues, but you know what? I am putting that on my list right under Contact.

No, really. I don't know. Yeah. Really. I love, I love, my favorite three words are I don't know, because then I learn something.

And I have heard, we did a bit about Gutfeld once. I think probably based on this premise that he was doing the best, I think. It was probably like other shows that fucked it over with a conservative bent. Well, look, if everything's left... But I have been remiss in doing my due diligence and checking it out personally. And just, I always say, you know, if you're successful...

maybe I'm going to think it's a piece of shit. Yeah. But some respect has to be paid just to success. I totally agree. And so I need to watch Gutfeld just because it's a success. And he's a good dude. You would totally respect him as a...

Not even as a performer. That I cannot guarantee. That may happen or it may not. Well, you might find that he... It would be like the universe or anal sex. You know what? I can't guarantee these things. Well, now, I don't know if you guys put a title on these things, but the universe or anal sex seems probably appropriate. But isn't that crazy that you're right, that all the comics that were supposed to put everybody to bed or whatever it is, they all went bananas left. I mean, these guys are terrible. Like, Kimmel to me is just fucking... You may be friends with him. I don't know.

I know a lot of people that were. I love Jimmy. Yeah, like he is horrible to me. Colbert and I are not friends. Yeah, like those guys to me, they're just the worst sort of partisan nonsense. You want everybody. But the good part of that is we don't hide it.

Like, he doesn't like me and I don't like him. And we don't deny it and we don't like it. No, but he's nothing. Colbert? Yeah, he's nothing. He's also very successful. No, no, but he's just giving the machine what it wants all the time. You, for my differences with you, I totally respect you. That is well said. Yeah. Giving the machine what it wants. I wish I had thought of that phraseology. That's exactly right. And...

I will always give him great props for the thing he did in front of George Bush at the Correspondents' Dinner in 2007. Well, what did he do? Well, he was still in his character. Yeah. So he did an anti- George Bush speech in the guise of a... It was not only comedically brilliant, because it was... But the guts to do it right in front of the dude who's president, that's a triple axel pulled off

that I will always put in it. I can't quite remember this one, so I gotta go say it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I gotcha, I gotcha. So he's, the character he's playing is a conservative. Right. So to be, I can't remember the line, but to be pretending to be praising George Bush, who's actually sitting right there, but really the laughs are coming that because he's stupid, this guy, so he's

Thinking he's praising but he's actually undercutting again. This is this is a triple axel and he always should get dude That's court jester stuff. That's the stuff that comics right court jester stuff. That's we were supposed to do So he was always they've all become the reverse though, right? They've all become suck up and you know, maybe we'll become friends one day I've had that happen before with people you get off on the wrong foot and

I mean, there's no reason why two comics, we do have a lot in common. But, you know, I must say, as of now, I think I did his show twice. I mean, it just, you could tell it's on screen. And it's okay. It's okay. It's not like we fucking fought each other and, like, came to blows.

But it's just like, yeah, you know, he's very opposite of me. He's like a married Catholic, you know, and I'm like me. You know, so, you know, but that's okay. We're not alike either. You bring your lawyer to confession. I don't have Republican gay sex, but we're great friends now. You know, it's not like we have to be the pairings. In fact, America works better when it's not. Sean Hannity's always asking, like, why is diversity a good thing? Well, I concede the point, as probably you

promulgate all the time that we make too much of diversion. Of course, of course. Okay. But there is some level, of course there's some level. But I could make the case easily that it's a good thing just because like in your life it's a good thing.

Would I rather be with a lot of people who are different or in a room full of Tucker Carlson? So think about it, Bill. I just finished my book tour where I did stand-up all over the country. You mentioned this fucking book again. I'm going to throw this fucking bottle. I signed it for you. I'm going to throw this fucking bottle of this. I don't even think I said the name of the book. It wasn't a heavy promotion that I was doing here. But anyway, it's a great book. You're going to really love it. I think you're in it. Yeah.

And so I do stand up across the country. My audience, which is mostly- Oh, you still do? Yeah. And my audience, which is mostly conservative-

They know I'm gay married. I am begrudgingly pro-choice. I'm about, you know, I would say 15 to 20 weeks is like, so I take, so that's why we, it's interesting because even though we're, it's so nonsensical to think about it. It just doesn't matter. Even though like we're slightly different, like I love DeSantis. I absolutely would vote Republican. Okay, blah, blah, blah. It doesn't matter. My audience, which is often Christian conservatives and Christian conservatives now love you. And that's bizarre.

Right? Like I went to, dude, I went to, I did the convocation at, at Liberty university and it was Jerry Falwell's school. 14,000 people on Sundays go there. It's a freaking political rally, like massive, you know, what's the biggest standup? And they were chanting my name. No, no, basically, but they know I'm gay married. They know I'm pro-choice and I got a standing ovation. So it's like, are these guys really the bad guys? They're all gay. They're all secretly gay.

All right. So I'm not going to hold it against them? It's like in the madrasas. You know, it's like they're... Just having a good time. It's all good. I... No, but that is a really interesting... That...

It's always interesting when you see the things that make you rethink where America is. Elections do that for us, right? We have an election and then we go, oh, wow. Or something like the OJ trial or something where it just makes America look up and go, or the George Floyd trial.

protest, it makes America go, oh, here's where we are. This is where the people, this is what the people are thinking now. Because-- - So what can I glean from, if I go on tour and my audience is mostly conservative and they're usually somewhat religious, but I get a lot of your guys too. I get a lot of like the disaffected liberals or whatever you wanna call that, right?

But they love me. They love me and they think I'm honest, which I am, and they think that I'm decent, which I am. And I'm a little different than... They're over the gay thing. No, they're over it. They absolutely are. And that's why the woke are so dangerous. Because the right...

Here's where I would give Trump credit. Maybe you wouldn't. Trump was literally on stage with a fucking rainbow flag, which is, I hate the rainbow flag. I have nothing to do with the LGBT community. Yes, I have nothing to do with any of that. I'm me. That's it. Right. That's it. That's it. You're Bill Maher. That's it. You don't represent, what do you represent? I don't know. You're an atheist TV host. I would like to. Do you represent all atheist TV hosts? I would like to think I represent the universe. Yeah.

That's good. That's good. You could always bring it back around. That's why you could do those outros really well. The entire universe. You really could nail those outros, man. That was like, you could get to a fucking commercial. You'd be working on it for a minute. You'd have to listen to these idiots finish the segment, but then you could get to that commercial. I'll give you $10,000 if you wear this on your head for the rest of this show.

Just to make a point about Frankie Valli. That was Frankie Valli. That was funny. But do it. That was funny. Come on. $100,000, now we can talk. Because my agents get a cut, you know. By the time I get home after taxes... You're ringing the bell, man. I'm ringing the bell. It's pretty good. I fucking...

Love that. That's... Ringing the bell. That's interesting. So it's like... Ring my bell. Remember that song? Ring my bell. Ring my bell. Ring my... Yeah. I mean, you could use that as your theme song. I should play that to start the show tomorrow. And I could not. You know? I mean, I'm not saying my life is empty and there's no light. It's...

But you got a basketball court. Yes, but it makes me feel empty because I look at that court and I think, I haven't rung the bell. I'm telling you, man, listen, let's take the plane tonight. What are we doing here, really? It's because I'm not full Jewish, isn't it? Take the plane. It's because I'm not full Jewish. I'm half Jewish. I go to confession. I bring my lawyer, priest, and this, what was his name? What was the lawyer's name? You know Mr. Cohen. Mr. Cohen, you know Mr. Cohen.

Johnny used to make me do that joke every time. Did he? Yeah, when I got to the port where I sat down. Yeah, yeah. Do that one I love about that. And I'm like, oh, for fuck's sake, Johnny, I've done it. That's such a funny bit. Did you know that moment when he had you sit down to do panel the first time? Did you know you were good, like you were kind of in? Did you feel it, like actually know it? Well, Billy Bush, let me tell you. Yeah.

Come on, that's not one of those. That's not one of those. Come on. That coming over to the couch thing on The Tonight Show was always overhyped, overrated. Yeah? Yes. So that's just like lore. It's not. Yes. Oh, really? You know why? Sometimes they did it because the show ran long, so they were going to cut the last guest. So you got to kill two minutes with. Right. You didn't have enough time to bring out Pete Barbuti. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know who he is and I'm not even sure if it's a real person, but... When you get Wi-Fi back on your magic light box, look up Pete Barbooty. Johnny had him on all the time. Okay. Always last. Okay. So there wasn't enough time for that. So bring out the fucking chimp who just did five or six minutes of jokes and have him for two minutes. And sometimes it was just like Johnny sparked to somebody who then turned out to not have a career. Yeah.

But that's pretty rare, right? Were there... No, I think... Do you remember guys that he... You know, you could do well on The Tonight Show and it didn't really indicate my... I did The Tonight Show 31 times with Johnny or his guest host all through the 80s. It really didn't indicate very much about where I was heading. Really? A little bit, but like...

I wasn't one of the super standouts who, I don't want to mention names, but some of them I've done much, I'm still around, peaking, and many of them are like Steely Dan. No offense to Steely Dan, I got a lot of yada yada coming. That was in the Chevy Chase interview, but I'm still referencing it.

We're in the Matrix nowadays. Wait, speaking of Matrix, can we talk about someone else that has been very important to both of us that I think you will really appreciate me bringing up? Halle Berry? You know what? It would move a little for Catwoman. Oh. It could move a little for Catwoman. Oh. It could move a little. And I was being too... And in Boomerang with Eddie Murphy? Well...

So you're saying that you, gay man, could, Halle Berry, is so sexy, and even at 55. She's pretty damn sexy. Also, Megyn Kelly. And I'm friends with her, so now this is very uncomfortable next time I see her. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on, Mark. Come on. I'll say this about Halle Berry. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You would bang Megyn Kelly? No. Yes, you would. No? No.

First of all, I am very fond of Megyn Kelly. She's a great person. And sometimes there's a woman that you can see and go, wow, that is a beautiful woman.

Not my type. - Really? Just like flat, so you don't like blondes or something? - I do like blondes, but a certain type of blonde. I mean, she's a little too white bread for me. You don't have to be super ethnic, but that's like Pam Anderson, like the tan, that type with-- - Too much, too much. - No, good. - Oh, oh! - That's good. - Wow, so you're Pam Anderson more than Megyn Kelly? - Oh yes.

Again, we're talking in the day. That's clear. I'm trying to get this to anal, but I can't. Megan, if you're watching, I have too much respect for you, but the guy I want to talk about, it's a guy actually, is Larry King.

Because Larry, now that we're, Larry became basically my mentor. Is that right? Yeah. Larry King was your mentor? Larry, you remember when he had Aura TV after, you did the show a few times, after CNN, he started Aura TV, was his other network. I didn't even know he was gay. And Larry taught me everything I know about anal sex. Good night, everybody.

Wow. You really get around. I didn't know that about Larry King and you. Remember, he started Aura TV. You definitely went to that studio in Glendale. Yeah. Well, it wasn't really, but yes, people thought it was with RT. I think it was Russian. No, it wasn't. That's a whole other story. It really wasn't. It was distributed on RT after a couple years or something. You know those mugs that they put on the sets of every show? They had RT? There was Borscht in it. Oh, that's funny. That's funny. Yeah.

Yeah, you put a little sour cream in there, did you, Mar? Okay. Okay. So Larry King. Larry, when I started becoming more independent, anyway, I got an offer to show on Aura TV. And my set was Larry King's set. They would just skin it a little bit differently. And Larry became sort of my bonus grandfather and mentor, and we would go to his bagel place all the time. Really? And I was with Larry just a few weeks before he passed away, and he was...

really not well at the time and you know like blah blah blah but you used to go on his show all the time all the time which were for me yes because I loved both of you I loved him as an interviewer I loved you as a comic and it was so good I was trying to think it was fucking real I loved it real I mean it was well you know well it was obvious you loved him also I'm talking

We're talking about, just so people know, as if people are watching this. Somebody's watching. My mom's watching. She's very upset about the anal thing still. It doesn't seem like it. And that's how it should be. But we're talking about the years when I did Larry King, when he was... Yeah, this is later years. Yeah, and he did... His studio was on, I remember, CNN, 6464 Hollywood Boulevard? Sunset, I think. Sunset Boulevard, okay. So it was Sunset East. I remember doing it, going over there. I mean, I must have done it...

five, six times a year. Yeah, it was great. For 10 years. I mean, we're talking about maybe like from 2005 to 15. Yeah, you did it. It was his last year. Can I tell you maybe in a way why it was better than even you thought is that you were expressing what he wanted to express. And Larry, as an interviewer, never expressed that. No. Never. A minimalist.

The minimalist. As a person in a later in life, he loved expressing his opinions. And we would go out to lunch and he would be literally talking the entire time. And I always thought it was funny because I was like... You'd go out to lunch with Larry King? Oh, yeah. We used to go to... Jesus. Where do people... Palms or... Where do people go? The Palm? Is that a thing? First there's the bell thing. Now you're going out to lunch with Larry King. I did a couple of things right, Mar. I did a couple. Jesus. Can I just say this is a very cool moment for me? Now I'm a little drunk, I think. But this is a very cool moment for me. Yeah, it's not going to happen, Dave. I know.

Okay, I don't care. All right, fine. I don't care how fucking... Come on, a little anal, Bill. Bill, come on. The shirt. It's the shirt. I don't care how Republican you make the anal sex. Come on, I'll fully red pill you. That's what we call it. When you're splayed out over the bed. That's what we call it, Marr. Is that it? Yeah, yeah. Because everyone's like, Bill Maher's almost there. What does he need to finally get over the hump? I know what it is, Bill. Oh, I know what it is, too, and it's not that.

First of all, you got to break up with your boyfriend, Donald Trump. Okay, so forget Trump. We don't even have to do politics if you don't want. No, but I'm just saying, you brought it up. Yeah. You brought it up. Fair enough. You brought it up. And I'm telling you. All right, so let's, okay. That's...

I, red pill, you know, you people make me laugh. Okay, so. As if you think that I would even entertain the idea of joining up with a social club that made Donald Trump its president. This fucking twice-divorced casino owner. That's who you think. Well, you would grant me that Bill Clinton's a rapist, right?

- No, I would not. - I mean, he did stick a cigar in Monica Lewinsky, the intern's vagina, while on the phone with Trent Lott. - That's different than a rapist. Rapist is different. - I don't know if you have that much power, like the 19-year-old intern is not gonna say no to you. - I wouldn't say it's a good thing to do. It's different than rape. Let's not have mission creep on the word rape. - Okay, fine. - And he's been accused of rape, Bill Clinton. - Yeah, that's true too. - Nobody knows what happened in that room.

Are the Clintons handsy? Oh, yes. I remember being on a yacht with Roger Clinton. Roger Clinton, Jeffrey Epstein. Who else was there? No, but it was the Cannes Film Festival. I was in Europe that summer. We were doing Politically Incorrect. Stunt to bring it back to that. Another stunt. We did the shows in London. And then it was the Cannes Film Festival. So my friend had a yacht.

Oh my God. And I went to the yacht. This is not my kind of thing to do. There was a bunch of people. Harvey Weinstein, I think, was around. I don't think he was on the yacht, but I saw him at the dinner. And it was 1999. And Roger Clinton was there. And he was such a fun, gregarious guy. But I did understand at that moment the thing about the Clintons. The second they meet a woman...

It's a pencil. Is that right? You keep saying they, so you mean both of them. I didn't. Bill Clinton wasn't there. But it just seemed to me like a family trait. Like it was like... Well, just like... Yeah. I mean, not on their tits or their pussy right away, but just like... It's like I just met you, and therefore I'm touching you a lot. You know, I just feel like...

There was that. So if we boot the orange man, let's say orange man disappeared. Let's say orange man's gone. Good title. Are you good to go at DeSantis? I think that's, oh, wow. That was a true Danny Thomas spit take. That was, that was. Dave, Danny Thomas is on my never funny list.

And you know the story that everyone talks about in L.A., about him, what he did? No, well, oh, you're talking about the plate man thing? Yeah, yeah. That's not why he's not funny. That's the one thing he did that was funny. He used his shit on a glass toffee table to get his rocks off.

Everyone in this town knows that story as if it is complete. But doesn't that show you the scale of humanity? Yeah, nobody's perfect. Me on one end, hate shit, everything about shit. Doesn't like shit. All the other end, there's Danny Thomas. All he wants to do is look at shit.

Again, we don't know this for a fact. Any more than we know that Bill Clinton is a rapist. Let's always make sure we talk about what's fact and what's just conjecture. Sure. So let's stick with Danny Thomas for the moment. Never funny. I like the DeSantis spit take, though. Never funny. Yeah. Again, this is me...

from my childhood memories, but he was even really before my time. But when I would see Danny Thomas as a kid, and this is a kid who was like very into comedy, looking to be a comedian, admiring comedians or not. Even as a kid, I was like, what is this guy on? He's got no jokes. That's funny. He's just like, when I saw Danny- He was a little before me, so it's like, it's not quite- It's apropos to the discussion about elitism. Because he acted like a guy.

who was so funny for so long that he didn't have to make a joke. He was post-funny. Yeah, exactly. He was grandfathered in for being funny. And for me as a kid of that age, looking at that was like, okay, but you're acting like you're so funny you don't have to prove it, but you do because that's show business and you always have to prove it. No matter who you are, at what stage you are, you have to prove it.

Would you say that spit take was? I thought you were going to go back. I thought you were going to go like, so DeSantis proved to you. You know what? If California says, I have to take shots and DeSantis says, I don't. Hello, Florida. That's what I'll say about DeSantis. He's a good dude. He's a good dude.

He really is. And he doesn't care whether you smoke weed and he doesn't care who you marry. He doesn't. But to sound like the voiceover at a movie that's coming out soon, shit just got real. But like for me, personally, really, shit just got real with that. Yeah. And that's in my mind. Dude, I left this place because of it. And I don't want to leave this place. It would be very hard. I'm 66 years old. I know I look 40. Yeah.

Look amazing. The hair seems thicker than it was a couple years ago. I don't know what you're doing over there.

It was not easy, but it's not easy for anyone, right? So someone could look at you and be like, it's actually easy for Mark. He's single. He's got all the money in the world. He can do whatever he wants. But I get it. Just to leave Club Rick, honestly? Dude, this is one of the coolest places I've ever been to in LA. Thank you. And I don't live here. I don't live here in the nightclub. No, this isn't even your... This is one of the many houses. Right, and it's not even that. It's just there's something about it. It's...

But everybody has that. Everyone has their own version of that, right? Yes, if they're lucky, they do. I didn't always. I lived in a lot of shitty places. I have no doubt, Bill. I know what it's like to be a struggling comic. I pay my dues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I want to ring the bell.

You want to come with me to ring the bell? I don't want to see you ring the bell, Dave. I don't want to go. What if I say, what if I go up there and I go, ladies and gentlemen, Bill Maher. No. Everyone would be thrilled. I want the accomplishment of doing something that merits me ringing the bell. You know what? If you get me on your plane tonight and you show up and you ring the bell tomorrow, I'll give you 1%. You're not listening to me. Nope. I don't want to be given anything. I just thought it would be nice. I give Bill Maher 1% of my thing. What do you think I am, a millennial? It's $10,000. Would you do it? Yeah.

See? Bringing it back. Come on, Mar. There you go. Come on, Mar. I can do it. I can do it. Look at that. You absorbed that. All right, Mar. I'll take one puff of weed. I know you don't care. That's why I'm going to do it, because you could not care less. This is the fancy Bill Maher weed. This is the fancy, I don't know what. I got to get on a plane now to ring the bell.

Look at this. My whole life led to this. This is like my grandma with the sun and the thing. Jesus. Come on. It's the universe again. As if...

Ringing a bell required some sort of great mental acumen at the moment. I don't know what happens. Do you press a button? You've seen it. It's a whole thing now. I just told you. It's in every documentary. I know. You just know what it is. Don't fuck with me. You ding the bell. You ring the bell. It's symbolic. But it means you've achieved a great thing. Because, you know, in America, there's nothing cooler than...

than being rich and, you know, being at that moment where, I mean, it's saying that... Do you think it's crazy when you think back? Well, ringing the bell to me means, okay, we are the means of production. And that's a big thing in capitalism. And capitalism is not a bad thing. Capitalism is a great thing. It's a great thing. It's given more people more prosperity. It's in... Our poorest people, our richest people, almost everywhere. When I'm going back to my real job and

Shortly because I'm doing it that's in my editorial this week. Yeah, you know, they they canceled me a couple times in real time I've been supposed to be I've been booked a couple times and canceled. Well, I am gonna take this to the very top

But you know what? I've been to real time a couple times. Oh, you're going to? I've been in the audience. Sam has brought me a couple times, Sam Harris. And I've gone, and you know what I do? Because I don't get on the show, and it's very upsetting to me, and I'm like, I have so many things to say. I go, and I spin the wheel from Price is Right. That has made me feel better, because it's on the same floor as you guys are downstairs. I always forget. I spin the wheel, and I'm like, all right, it's okay. It's the same studio. It's the same, yeah, yeah. The second we're out, the wheel is back. They bring in.

Bob Barker's Bones of the Dogs. Somebody should write some sort of movie or novel. That's funny. It is so funny. Like, that's funny. There is something about that. I can't put my finger on what that is emblematic of or an analogy. But it is so funny that real time...

And Wheel of Fortune share the same. Not Wheel of Fortune. Price is right. Oh, I thought you were going to say Wheel of Fortune. That would have really blown my mind. Somehow we couldn't be more different. We are able to share the same stage and change out. But you will be on very soon. That's my bad. That was not a. It's my bad. People say to me all the time, like, why did you want to do a podcast?

Well, there's a lot of reasons, but here's an extra bonus one. Because I get to know people like this, where then I'm like, oh, this would be awesome for my real job, whereas we wouldn't have had this moment before. So I would like to have you on real time as soon as you would like to, to talk exclusively about anal sex.

I'd like to put you in the first spot. I don't want you on the panel. Oh, I could just do this. Oh, I could do the protected sit down. Interrupting you on the subject. No, no. Listen, I'm not going to have, you know, I'm trying to think of the usuals. I'm not going to have Brenner or... Brenner.

You've got that Ian Brenner guy. I'm trying to think of somebody that's on a lot. I'm not going to have that Dyson. David Brenner. You remember David Brenner? I do remember David Brenner. Can I tell you something about David Brenner as a stand-up? So he was obviously very funny. It wasn't like totally, totally my thing. No, no. That was obvious. No, no. He was funny. No, I like David Brenner. He was funny. He wasn't like. He was funny. He wasn't amazing. He wasn't a revolutionary. No. But he was. Whatever. He was funny. But one thing about stand-up that he reminded me of.

of was that when I would watch him do stand-up, I always remember thinking that you have to stand up straight when you're doing stand-up. You're sweating. Am I sweating? Yeah. I'm freaking out. No, no. Under your eye. Under my eye. I'm crying, too. It's a lot. It's amazing that we're having such a good time. I'm secreting fluids. In the middle of the show, you have to be wiped off.

Bill, are you sure you have to work tomorrow? Oh. Come on. Let's give the people what they want. It's a different thing now. Honestly, you can make more money than ringing the bell. No, I tell you, I'm old school. Yeah, you know what you know. It's like, what's the point? My ass is old school. It's old school. You don't need that. You need like a hole in the head. So let's go back to your childhood. Yeah. You...

You say that when you were... I find this very puzzling, this statement you made about dudes, but I didn't think it was... It wasn't a life. It wasn't a life. Let's put it that way. I mean, like, when I was like...

- Yeah. - My life changed in a huge way because I went from not constantly masturbating, thinking about girls, to constantly masturbating, thinking about girls, but only girls. It wasn't like a dude slipped in there.

In fact... Nobody even made a guest appearance. It was just nothing. No, absolutely not. It was just girls. It was either girls I saw on TV. Yeah. There was no, like, pornography. Yeah. Which was great because I didn't have my mind perverted and it stayed unpreverted. That's interesting. That's a whole other topic, but that's an interesting... No, it was the end of my last... No, my 2018 special was all about how I...

I'm very grateful for my basically Leave It to Beaver upbringing because... What was the title of that one? That was Live in Oklahoma.

It was 2018. I definitely have seen all of them on Blanket on the bit, but yeah. By far the highest viewed of all cable. Wait, that wasn't the one you jumped across the studio, right? No, no, no, of course not. Jumped across. Oh, no. Yes, it was. Oh, it was? No, that was 2014. You're right. God, that was that long ago? No, the 2018 was Oklahoma. Anyway, the ending was all about how I was very grateful that...

I had this little Leva TV for upbringing where there was no porn on my phone because there was no phones and there was no porn. And the most scandalous thing I could see was I Dream of Jeannie or if you were lucky enough to get a Playboy. But even Playboys back then, they didn't even show pussy. It was just like a flank. But then you got to go to the, you went to the grotto. Yeah.

- That's pretty cool. That's a universe moment. That's a universe moment. - No, it's not. - Yes, it is, Marr. - No, it's not. I was 12 years old. - No, and then your next thing you know, you're in the grotto, you got 10 chicks around you, you're Bill Maher, you got, come on. - Okay, first of all, that didn't happen either. - Oh, I'm just assuming. I don't know, it just seems. Doesn't that seem like a-- - And as my history teacher told me, when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me. - Wait, but I don't know. Why do I think that, though?

Okay, because... I honestly don't know why I think that, actually. Well, you know what? It's a good thing to examine. But because you saw pictures of me at the Playboy Mansion. First of all, let's go back to... Yes, I'm 12 years old. I'm seeing a Playboy because we stole it from somebody's house or something, and it's in the woods.

And then like, yeah, I mean, 20 years later, I'm at the Playboy Mansion. That's not the universe. There's something with the universe. There is nothing with the universe. Oh, it's the universe. I just fucking grew up. I got into this profession I was interested in. I was successful enough at it to get invited to the Playboy Mansion. And something the universe did something there. The universe had nothing to do with it. Connect the dots, man. I don't know. I'm not even that spiritual. It's funny that I'm the one selling this. Exactly.

It is a little funny. It is a little funny. I grant you. Okay, so maybe you'll examine that. I'm completely open to examining that. All right. You'll examine that. I'll watch Contact. While you're sober. Wait, what was the point? Because you were masturbating without porn and you thought it was wonderful. Yes. That was the point you were trying to make. Because I didn't, at the age of 10, see a team of Japanese businessmen coming on a girl's face. That was...

would fuck you up for the rest of your life. And I think what you were linking that to was you were saying to me that I thought, oh, you just have sex with dudes but nobody really thinks about it or something like that. That's what I said to you before that it's just like something people do but then they get married, something like that. You have sex with dudes? Yeah.

One dude one dude. I only have sex with one. That's a great question Yes, and we have sex all the time and I've never cheated on him and I never would and we have sex all the time Incredible sex life wasn't a question But I'm glad you entered that one yeah, that's an even better question. Yes men want to fuck relentlessly and

So if you take, so it's not a gay, it's not a gay thing or a, I don't even want to say fuck. Men want to get off all the time, right? Like the amount of time you at 67, let's say you're probably thinking about sex. Oh, yeah.

Right. Endlessly. Okay. So you're thinking about it that much. Straight, gay, it doesn't matter. If you then combine it with, okay, I want to have sex all the time and you're a dude and you want to have sex all the time. Right. So we've had, we have a great sex life. We have a great intellectual life too, though. We really do. Okay.

Okay, but but I think you're going to so why don't you cheat or like why is it not like an endless? This is the area that I'm very. I'm totally, it's fine. All right. Well, yeah, this is the area I'm very interested in because I don't know. Yeah. So I'm just gonna say from my end. Yeah. I'm talking about, you know, I'm speaking I think in a little bit for all heterosexuals. We. Yeah. Have a big problem.

with getting bored with the sex over time. No, but gays do too. I'm just asking that and it must be the case, but you just said we have a great sex all the time. How long have you been together? 13 years. 13 years? Yeah. And you're still even fucking? Yeah.

Well, then there's something different there. No, yes, yes, I agree. I don't know what's going on there. We did, I know it's going to sound somewhat corny or something like that, but we kind of did the work to, like, do it. Like, we... Did the work? Yeah, meaning, like... What does that mean? Like, we just kept going. We kept going. Like, all of the... Oh, so you hit times that were dry? No, not really, actually. Never? Almost never. I would say...

Actually, no, not really. Is that right? Yeah. And we can have sex multiple times a day still. Always hit each other in the shorts throughout the show? Somebody wants to have sex all the time. Somebody wants... What if the other one doesn't? You suck it up. No pun intended. I get it. You got it. You get off it. You get over it. You just...

I'll tell you what it was. So when I was really closeted and struggling, I was a fucking mess, man. To what age was that? What age did that happen? So you want to hear something crazy? Yeah.

- No, I wanna hear the answer to that. - No, I'll tell you, 'til I was about 20, even, it was late 20s, late 20s. - Late 20s, wow. - I came out to, the first person I ever came out to was, you mentioned a couple of comics that nobody's necessarily heard of, so there was a comic, he was an openly gay comic in the late 90s, early, Mike Singer, you've never heard of this guy, he was a fucking brilliant comic, but he couldn't, he was gay, but he was a normal person, so it didn't work, 'cause they wanted Mario Cantone. They wanted, you know, they wanted this

flaming, whatever, right? And that also kept me closeted for a long time because I was a good comic. I really was. I really was. I'll send you some stand-up or something. Like, I was. And I sold out every show that I did this year. Like, I'm a good comic. But in a weird way, I don't care about stand-up anymore because I'm doing something else. But that's a sidebar. You should come on my Hawaii tour. Bob...

Bob Saget did it. One of the last times I saw him, he was telling me that he was on the plane with you and with Kelly, his wife, and I would love to. Trust me, I'm a good comic book. Don't wear the MAGA hat. Backwards, backwards. I'll wear a DeSantis, DeSantis 2024. No! Mar knows he's going to vote for him. That's what I'm going to put on the hat. DeSantis. Mar's going to vote for him. Uh,

You have to put, Mara's going to vote for him if I have to. No, but you will have to. But we don't have to do politics. I don't think I will have to. Yes, you will. You're going to vote for brain-dead Biden, who you know is completely compromised. Oh, over DeSantis? Absolutely. That's insane. That's just insane. But let's not. Let's not. Let's get back to anal sex. Yeah, anal sex. And that's the thing that America has to understand, is that two people who don't agree on certain politics can't pick a line on anal sex. Yes.

And then why can't we come together over that? We should be coming together over it. Oh, the puns, the puns. Try being with a, if you're a, you know, with gays, everything's a pun. It all ends up becoming, there's literally nothing someone can say where there is no pun sex related something. Is that right? Oh.

Completely. But wait, what the hell was I telling you? I gotta hang out with the gays more. What was I... You wanna come? Take your plane. We'll go to New York tomorrow. But I only hang out with one gay guy. I never go to gay bars. I have nothing to do with the trans community. I don't really like lesbians. Boy, do I have a thing or two to show you.

Wait, there was something there, man. I was telling you something good there. I have to go to gay bars just to keep the bitches off me. Oh, that's funny. That's funny. Yeah? Look at them. They're all waiting right here. There's 20 of them waiting right here to just pounce. Wait, I was telling you something good there. Something husband sex. Something, something. We were really on something there. Oh, well, it's really up to you. We had something there. That's the whole thing about these clove cigarettes.

I don't know what they put in them. Is that getting you high in a different way than you just smoked? High, I beg your pardon. I don't do drugs. No, no, no, this is some sort of... That must be an mRNA vaccine you're smoking. I forgot that you're smoking this with me. I'll smoke that with you. I'm so sorry. I'll smoke that with you. See, that's the problem with drugs.

is that when you're on drugs, you forget you have to do more drugs. Is that? Oh, God, Mark. There you go. Just like a big boy. Today you are a man. This is a fine mess. Are you Barb Enson?

I was, and I had a bris for my son. Or you bought Misford like a pussy who believes in the universe. That's good. I was bar Misford. Pass it. Sorry, brother. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Jesus. I should tell you, Bill, I don't want to change the topic altogether. Go ahead. I am unvaxxed. You're smoking the same joint. Yeah. It could take you out at any moment. I'm so worried. What was your millionth clue? Yeah.

Oh, you're unbacked? Yeah, I'm good for you. I would not do it. I you know what there were a million reasons that I wouldn't do it but then When they started pushing it on people for their employees the companies for their employees I have people that work for me that are in my studio every day just like you and I remember I don't have a hundred remember it was OSHA wanted if you had a hundred employees they said you had to get them backs so I don't have a hundred employees and

But I had guys in my studio. You have enough to ring the bell. I have enough to ring the bell. And my guys are sitting with me. And they're all young in their 20s. Bell ringer. And I remember thinking, I was looking at them. I literally said it on air. I was like, wait a minute. What fucking right would I have to tell you guys to get vaxxed? And I was like, there is no, and I'm very proud that I'm not. I know a zillion people with all kinds of problems now. And balance problems and vision problems and coordinate. Like, there is some serious shit. I mean, yeah.

That's what's great about ringing a bell. You want to ring the bell? Any asshole could ring a bell. You're telling me, you don't have to come with me tomorrow, but there is just a plane that's sitting somewhere and Bill Maher can just text somebody and say, I'm going. No, I can't. Oh, you can't? Well, I mean, people think that private air travel, which I used to hide, by the way, because I thought, oh, you know. It makes, yeah. And then I realized, you know what?

The only people who don't fly private are the people who can't. Yeah. It's not like I didn't pay my dues being poor and working the shit clubs and all that. And yeah, these are... When did you realize you were on the other side? When I got the private plane. Is that... Was that the day? So you could text somebody right now and be like, Ruben and I are getting a Bora Bora from the universe on that one, Dave. You know, like the plane. It is the universe whether you like it or not. You know,

Well, I would... But you're telling me you could just text somebody right now and you could be like, I'm going to Van Nuys. We're getting on the plane. We're going to Sheboygan. And I'm telling you, it doesn't work that way. Oh, it doesn't? No. That's what I want to know. No, because air travel is not like a fucking car. There's the F...

Thank you, stoner helper. I got it, got it, got it. Hi. I get oddly sharper when I'm stoned. You know my co-host, stoner helper, who helps me with letters when I'm too fucked up to remember. Yeah, you know why my plane keeps getting grounded? I keep calling the FDA. You call the FDA? Yeah, don't think that's going to happen to that.

There you go, man. I keep calling CAA. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's not going to help. I just got rid of all my CAA guys. Are you a CAA? Yeah. I just got rid of everybody. Really? Yeah. Why? After my tour, because they're fucking nothing. CAA is nothing? They're just a bunch of clowns.

Now, I'm going to probably shouldn't. No, it's okay. They're just nothing. They're just like, I can sell out places. I do my thing. They are no help. They're a pain in the ass. You can sell out any club in the world. A club? I don't even play in a club. No, no, no. Theater. No, no. You can sell out any. I can sell out any club. No, I can't. You can't.

It takes a little work. No, it doesn't. It shouldn't because I'm better than any other comics out there. But it does because I'm appealing only to people who think. And I'm also appealing like I've lost some of the woke left. Yeah, but you have conservatives that are happy to come. And you know what? Well, they don't buy tickets, conservatives, because they're fucking conservative. No, that's not true. You know, because I don't want the woke left in my audience. No, of course. Because I don't want people like...

No, but you do sometimes. I can't believe you said that. No, but you do in a way because you like giving shit to your crowd. I've never seen anyone else do it on television. But that's me five years ago. Oh, that's interesting. So what shifted there? Well, you know what shifted a lot? The pandemic. Because of the pandemic, the forever flu that we had to avoid like the plague, we had to –

Distance the audience when we first of all, we didn't we I used to shoot here. Yeah, this is the first and all right You did the first couple of just from your side and talk to like Secretary of State Kennedy, you know whoever yeah, okay, but after that We went back to the studio

And we were allowed to have the studio, but the audience had to-- Hold on. If you put this on your head for the next half hour, I will give you $10,000. Yeah, $10,000 even doesn't mean a lot to me, bell ringer. But when we got back to the studio,

the audience had to be socially distant. So we only could have like about a third. I just rung the bell. I just, I fucking, that same thing. It's interesting that you're drinking, you're drinking, you're drinking the bell, like not enough to rub it in. Motherfucker. Put that quietly. Don't ring it. Oh, you dinged it. You dinged. But isn't it supposed to, no, I thought it was supposed to like really ring when you do that. All right, here we are. Anyway, um,

What was I talking about? I have no idea. Oh, the audience. Yeah. Oh, yeah, giving the audience shit. So we only could have like a third of the audience. Yeah. So it turned out that when they got rid of like, or maybe half the audience, when they get rid of the half the audience, we can only have half what we used to have. Yeah.

It was, we got rid of the boers. We got rid of the groaners. We got rid of the woke. We just had the people who like think like me. Oh, but was that by selection? Meaning those people wouldn't show up? Oh, that's interesting. Accident of like, who would we most rather keep in this audience of 300? No, but it was self-selected, right? Meaning that those people wouldn't show up. So that's cool. It's not my department. Yeah. But that's exactly, but that's what happened.

And so when the pandemic sort of ended and we could have the full audience back, we were just like, no, let's just keep the cool people and get the groaners out. And that sort of has happened on the road too. Like the groaners just, they've written me off because I'm not completely on the page with, you know. So what percentage of your crowd would you say is, I hate to say conservative, because if you think of me as conservative, then that's not quite right. I mean, if you're-

But you're just saying we might vote Republican or something like that, right? Yes, I would say a third. So that's pretty great. It is so great. It's great because that's what America needs is, you know, like you said, like who did you say we need again? Oh, Jay Leno. Yeah. Yeah, like that kind of stuff that...

Yes, I will do jokes, lots of jokes, about how awful Trump is, and there'll be a little "ugh" from them. But they still laugh at him. Yes, yes. Because he's laughable. Yes. If you can't laugh at Trump, you have no sense of humor. I don't want you in my audience either. And then you have the other...

you know, side that, I mean. You'll love this. I'm at Mar-a-Lago once. I'm having dinner with Junior, okay? You may not like Junior, but whatever. I'm having dinner with Junior. He says, you want to be my- This I'm not jealous about. No, no, but you're going to like this. You're going to like this because it almost involves anal sex, so I know you will like it. Two spit takes! Two spit takes, people.

Okay. I want to see how this involves anal sex. So this is at the height of impeachment, the first impeachment. So, you know, the real impeachment, all nonsense. But okay, the real impeachment, right? So we're having dinner. I'm having dinner with David, my husband, Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle. Junior, meaning Don Jr. Yeah. And he says, do you want to meet my husband? This is during impeachment, okay?

And when everyone MSNBC- Which one? No, the first one. So the walls are closing in. Everyone, he's freaking- You know, when you have to ask which one is about impeachments, Dave, maybe you should think about throwing that guy under the bus. Or- Keep on with your story. You might be right at a functional level, or maybe the whole system was designed to not allow someone who's a little different to get in. But okay, okay, we could do that in a different- A little different. He steals from charities.

A little different. I mean, the Clintons, the Clinton, all right, whatever. Okay, okay. The Clintons didn't steal from charities. I mean, what is the entire Clinton nonprofit? They don't steal from charities. Okay, okay. Fine. We'll just put that down for a second. All right. I'm at Morlaggo. We're having dinner. Junior says to me, do you want to meet my dad? It's the height of impeachment. What's he like? I got to know first. Junior? Yeah. He's,

He's a decent dude. I know you, I know. I'm asking. I'm no, I want an open mind. He is a good dude. He's basically a libertarian. By the way, he kind of likes you. He'll probably kill me for saying that. Right. But he thinks. You know who said they like me out in public is Lara.

Eric's wife. Because all they want is someone that's roughly fair. So even if they think you're, let's say, too critical of Donald or whatever, they think that you're at least alive. He will retweet a clip of you and be like, you know what? I disagree with Bill on a lot, but he got it on this. Yeah, they always have to say that first. Because that's because everybody is in their own... But they must know that their father is a preposterous figure. They must know that. Yeah.

So we would, so listen, I've had enough. They hate him too. They didn't talk for a while. No, no, no, no, they don't hate him. No, not now, but they did at a time. There was a time when Don Jr. didn't talk to the father. I know Don fairly well. I've never heard him say a bad word about his dad. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist. I'm not denying it. But that's on the record. Okay, then I can't speak to that. I don't know about that. You never heard that? No, honestly, never. That Don Jr. and Donald Trump didn't talk for a while? No, but everyone has shit with their parents.

Exactly. And I concede that point, yes. Yeah, everyone has shit with their parents. But anyway, so we're at Mar-a-Lago. He says, do you want to meet my dad? It's the height of impeachment. I turn around. His dad's sitting there with Giuliani's there. Now, Giuliani, this is before the hair dripping and all that. First off, you've met Giuliani, I'm sure, over the years. He has a giant head. It's so big. You've never met him? His head is almost like it's like a balloon on a stick. It's wild. But anyway. Really?

He says, "You wanna meet my dad?" We go over to his dad, and again, this is the height of impeachment. He says, "Dad, I want you to meet Dave Rubin." Trump is sitting, he looks at me, he goes,

He goes, "Do I recognize you? I recognize you?" He goes, "I said, well, I'm on Tucker a lot. Maybe you see me there." He goes, "Oh, okay." And then he goes, "Who are you?" And he's talking to my husband, David. He goes, "Well, I'm his husband." He goes, "Husband? Husband?" He stands up. He slaps his hands on the table. He goes, "You guys are gay?"

He goes, you guys are gay. And then he turns to me. He goes, you know what your problem is? I said, what? He goes, your problem is you could have any chick you want. But you don't want them. You want this guy. And the point of all of that was. Well, Dave, a broken clock is right twice a day. The point of all that, he doesn't give a shit about that. He doesn't care about any of that stuff. He likes success and all the whatever. But that's.

- That's what people love about him. He's authentic in that it's so funny. - Who would you say is more authentic, him or Joe Biden? - Him.

He's more authentic, him or Elizabeth Warren. But authentic doesn't mean good if you're authentically a crazy person. He's authentically a fucking moron and a crazy person. Yes, he is authentic. In a world of liars, a little authenticity goes a long way. So that might be... That's ridiculous. That's such a dumb thing. You know what? It's kind of like when people say, like, well, honesty is the most important thing in a relationship. No, it's not. No. Honesty's not the... Honesty will...

saved no relationships. Would you say we're in a fog of bullshit right now? Everything with this- The fact that he's authentic is not the most important thing. It's a nice thing. No, I didn't say it was the most important thing. Yeah, I kind of think you did. No, it's something though. It's something. It's something. But it doesn't matter if the authenticity is in the service of being a fucking moron. But it was pretty good when he was president.

What was pretty good? Well, we weren't in a recession. The border was a little bit better. We didn't have a crazy war in Ukraine. There were things. Come on, you have to admit. I get it. I get it. He also went after you personally. So I say it on my show all the time. It's nothing to do with that. No, no, but I will grant you that for sure. That doesn't bother me. I grant it with Megan also because he went after Megan. Remember the bleeding for whatever? So it's like he went after you personally. If the president of the United States had ever said, Dave Rubin, whatever he said about you,

He hasn't conceded the election. The latter. I have no defense of that. Completely no defense of that. Then what are we talking about? Then the discussion is over. Because after that means nothing. If you can't concede the election, the jewel in our crown of America is that every other... Yes, is that we have peaceful transfer. I got it. So many other countries had problems with the peaceful transfer. That's like the one that really trips everybody up. And it didn't trip us up.

Until him. And now it's going to trip us up. Wait, but that's not, so I disagree with that because for four years when he was president, Hillary Clinton, he's an illegitimate president. Stacey. She didn't say that. Yes, she did. It's on Twitter. It's on Twitter. He's an illegitimate. Yes, it is. It is a hundred percent. Okay. If she said, I, I don't,

Remember that? It is. It is. It's certainly not something that's in the minds of the people in this country. It was not promulgated. No, no, no, no. Maybe she said it once in some different context. To compare that, like Hillary Clinton says he's not, he has made a career. Bill,

Bill, I mean this with total respect. I think to me that's a blind spot with you. When you just said that nobody really paid attention to that or anything, a huge percent of the country, half the country, saw Hillary calling him. There's a tweet. I mean, I can give you the tweet after. Okay, it's one tweet. He has made a career of this. But what do you mean? How many guests?

I honestly don't know the answer to this, so I don't know what to make about you, but how many people were on MSNBC for four years saying he's a Russian operative or Russia installed him? You know what I mean? I'm not even trying to defend Trump. That's not my... I'm not sure that a lot of people said Russia installed him. What we said, and I would be part of this, is that nobody ever gave themselves over to a foreign entity like he did. Nobody ever said, please, other country...

Get involved in our election. Try to hack their emails. Nobody ever sided with a guy like Putin against our intelligence agencies? I mean, how can you really be a loyal American and say you're with the guy who sides with Putin?

Publicly. Over 17 agencies, all who had said one thing. Well, you know. But they all now admit that it was all nonsense, right? They don't admit that. No, no, no. They don't say that. Wasn't it those 31 intelligence people now have all basically said. Said that Russia was involved in the election. No, but they've all said it has nothing to do with the election. Anyway, my point on all of this is, I can tell you this. I went to the, when I started turning on Trump, I met him and I kind of was like, all right, he's not evil.

He's not Hitler and he's certainly not a homophobe. But then one day I was driving home and I went outside of, you know, Rodeo Drive where the Beverly Hills sign is over there. And they used to have these Trump rallies on Sundays. And I saw one. I wasn't planning to go. I had no idea it was happening. And I was like, you know what? I'm going to go and just see what it's like, like what it is. Right. It was a circus of the most. And I really mean this. And I wish you could have gone there.

It was the circus of the most joyous American-loving people that you have ever met. And it had nothing to do with politics. Based on what? Why are you saying they were joyous? Well, first off, it was joyous because people were happy, which is a weird thing in L.A. There's not a lot of happy people here. There's sort of like...

whatever it is, but it's not a lot of happy people. It sounds like they were Trump loving, not America loving. There were American flags everywhere. There were gays for Trump, Latinos for Trump. Really? Yes. Everywhere. And nobody cared. And by the way, they didn't burn down Rodeo drive like black lives matter and anything. It was, and I, and then I started going back. I went a few times and I did live streams from there and you, and I'm telling you, you could have walked in that audience and people would have, yes, would a certain amount of people have been like, Oh fuck Bill Maher and,

But you know what? A lot of people would have been there like, you know what? Bill Maher's here. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. Which think how different that would be than if you went to an AOC rally where you would be hated beyond imagination. You're right. I don't mean that as – No, it's right. It's just true. It's just true. They're more – the left are more purists.

It's weird. The Trump people, again, I'm not defending everything he's done. He's a New York City businessman. Let me ask you this. When he said that thing about you could have all the pussy you wanted, what went through your mind? Well, first off, I didn't vote for him the first time around. That's how it went through your mind. No, no, no, but I'm just giving you context. I didn't vote for him the first time around. You saw the great job he did.

Well, but yeah, I did. Oh, wow. Lowest all-time black unemployment. I think that's what liberals care about. Lowest all-time Latino unemployment. Oh, okay. Don't give me the talking points. We're not on TV now. Okay, fine. But those are real things. I don't want it. Real things. The universe is talking. Real things. The universe. Yeah. Really. Really.

When he said the thing about Bill... The universe had anything to do with Donald Trump. He would throw a fucking thunderbolt through his nuts. Danny Thomas used to shit on a window and let people see it, so it's like... Not a window, a table. He would get under the table. It was a glass table, and then... Right. Yeah, thank God this isn't a glass table. You're a mind man. I've got to get a different table.

I don't... I'm not saying he grabbed him by the pussy or he didn't grab him by the pussy or anything else. To me, politics is fucked up beyond imagination. No one knows that more than you. As someone that's tried to be an honest arbiter of politics for the last 40 years. The bottom line is the fact that

You and I have these differences and don't... It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. I'm so glad to hear you say that, Bill. It's so predictably within the parameter of two human beings. The odds that two human beings would see everything exactly the same way... How pathetic and annoying and gross. And ridiculous. Yeah. And ridiculous. So the fact that we both fall within the...

30-yard line up its side. It's like, how could you expect more than that or even care that it's not more than that or not love the person? I...

I hear you, brother. That's all I can tell you about that. I hear you, brother. What I would like to do more than anything else, honestly, I'd like to shoot hoops at you at some point. I can't tell you how. I don't care about that. I truly mean that. I don't care about the differences. I know you don't either. I've said this before on this podcast. I'm going to say it again. Since this whole thing started. Can I take off my shoes now? I am. Because then I'd feel really at home. Killing it with guys.

I am making so many guy friends now that I didn't have before. And I'm glad you're one of them because this was super fucking fun. But it's over now. That's it? Now I got to... Oh, sorry, Bill. I have to get on the plane and ring the bell. I got to give you the props for that. You're the bell ringer. All right.