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One of my idols is coming toward me, and I have an ice-cold beverage. Geez, look at that walk. You walk like you're 42. You don't have any tight hip flexor? You walk like a 42-year-old. I've never seen a strut like that. You know what I thought walking over here? Yes. I thought, I'm going to need the crying box tonight because I know you're one of those few people. Well, don't give too much pressure. Oh, no. But man, that walk. You cannot help it. Oh, you're so sweet. No, it...
Really, you speak in material, it just oozes out of you. We're going to do it again. I can't believe you and I never did this. We have the same manager. Right. You're constantly referred to. Dated the same women. I have a Dana Carvey tattoo on my neck. I know. And yet we never really sat down. Well, I look at us, it's like when I think of the 80s and the improv and this long journey.
And then now here we are. But we weren't together in the improv, were we? Not really, but you were around. But you were in, I thought you were in San Francisco. Yeah, but I came down and bombed a lot. You're Bob Odenkirk, right? It's fantastic. Did you have Bob on this show? I'm so hot, no. Bob, no, I had him on real time. I would love to have him on this show. I'll give him a call. No, I would go on at 8.05 on a Wednesday at the improv and just epic bombs.
Just horrible bombs. You know, Bob almost killed me. I told him this when he was on... Bob Oterker? Yes. Literally, I was at the Aspen Comedy Festival. Did you ever do the Aspen Comedy Festival? Yes. It was like every year, oddly enough, in Aspen. Yeah, that was the strange part. We did it as an SNL thing there. We had the whole... Really? Farley was sitting next to me that night, and that's where I did Bert and Kirk...
Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas having sex. And then 20 years later, I'm doing a photo shoot with Bill Hader. And he goes, "You know, Lorne told me, the funniest thing I ever saw." And I go, "What did Lorne say?" He goes, "Was Burt Lancaster and Kirk Douglas as lovers?"
Right. And to me, I don't work blue. It was all the vernacular. It was all the rhythm of it. Well, and this is... Because I did a movie with them. Oh, you did? Yeah, Tough Guys. Oh, yes, Tough Guys. And that's where I learned them. Number tough. Not from Litch Little. I loved them as a kid. And in his old age, Kirk Douglas used to send me lots of notes. We had lunch a couple of times. He was a real fan. Yeah. There were notes, and it would be in his writing, and then they would send a...
Printed copy because his writing was not good. Well, he was... Burt was 73 and he was like, had trouble with the lines.
They'd say, do I really have to say this line? And Kirk would always say, I'll say his line. I like to say lines. You go ahead. So they were, you know. But some impression is when I was a kid, used to do them together. Oh, Frank Gorshwin was famous. Right. Because there was something about them that they were parallels, right? Yes. Yes.
parallel rhythms, one very smooth. I can't believe this is your first motion picture. I've done 71. So he's got this kind of thing. And then you've got a guy who's so tight like this. I don't know what to do. So later I did them just needing to wrestle.
I'd like to wrestle you today. I'd like to wrestle. You know how I am. 645 Cannon Drive. There's a gate on the side. Pound. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Pound. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. Shall I bring anything? Bring lemonade. I like lemonade. We're going to wrestle.
Naked. Doesn't mean anything. Just two gentlemen, whosoever stays inside the ring is the champion. I like what you're saying. I'll see you at 4.15. So anyway, these are all musical rhythms in my head, Bill, but you're already a great audience. I need the box already. You're already a great audience. Yeah, for you I am. I'm actually, well, you know me. My reputation is pretty true to me when I really am. I'm not a guy who just fakes anything.
So I don't fake. That is true. You do not suffer fools. For better or worse. And like, so when you get me laughing, that's me laughing. I'm not, I'm not. Oh, I got that. No, my, all therapists want us to get a bit of you. My therapist wanted me to get a bit of Bill Maher. What do you mean? Not literally a sane Bill Maher.
But say, you know, stand up for yourself. Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don't be a pleaser. Be real. That's what therapists tell you? For people like me, because the narcissists never go. What the fuck do therapists tell you? You're in therapy? No, I did five years. Conan introduced me to the therapist and Kevin Nealon went for a while.
So she would stack three comedians and I was the third and I go, am I the funniest? Why do any of you three need fucking therapy? You don't. The way you're saying it. Listen, Bill. Here's the thing.
Uh, it was very pragmatic. Like, I bought a guitar for my nephew, okay? Very nice guitar. Then it was time for my birthday, and I had trouble buying myself the guitar. And I go, well, this is weird. And I have millions of dollars. Oh, so fucking weird. You know what, Dana? I...
See, now that makes me... Can I just say something serious to you? Yes. I've not known you for 35 years. Yes. We've been admirers from afar. And all the time, I don't really know you. I have never known you to not know you at all. So I am going to pass judgment on you going to a...
Yes. Well, we watched each other from afar. But I just don't feel like... I feel like I do know you like America does because you're such an open, giving performer, you know? So it's hard for us...
me to believe that there's some creep hiding behind that. No, it wasn't really that. Not a creep or anything not like, you're such a normal guy. I just have trouble saying no. Just put it there. Oh, you have trouble saying no? To benefits and to gigs I don't want to do. Well, why didn't you just say that?
That's a talk show first. All talk shows should have been this. - As if this is a talk show. - I don't know what this is, but the last time I had alcohol on a talk show backstage, it was Johnny Carson. - And there was nobody else in the room, and it's such a cool place. - I love this. - I know. - Let me just insert one thing. Johnny Carson, this I do for my friends. This is not a bit. It's just a private thing I do. I don't know why I thought of it, but it always makes me laugh. Johnny Carson getting pulled over for drunk driving in 1972.
Oh, sorry, officer. I didn't know I was swerving. I had two slippery monkeys at the hook and crook. See, and it's the language of the name of the cocktail in the location. I had two tomato boom-booms at the hickory hut. It's not even alcohol. I mean, we are both huge Johnny fans. Of course, and I intersected with him. I mean, I'm...
- Was he okay with you doing him? - In the beginning. - Right, 'cause he was a prickly guy. I mean, when you got on the wrong side of him, it was as cold as the Nebraska wind. - Oh yeah. - It really was. And he got that from his mother, who was very cold.
And, you know, he certainly was the most charming man on the air. Yes. I mean, he certainly is who I wanted to be in my formative years. That was my first take, is the charm and, in specific, the earnestness.
And I took it to, for those of you at home, you're watching a television, or if you were with an old lady, she'll show you, feed the chickens in the morning. So his Nebraska earnestness was the charm. Right, that Midwestern politeness and graciousness. Yeah, gentlemanly. While he was also Peck's bad boy, he was also naughty, you know. Oh, yeah. Right. Right.
But within that, he rode those two things perfectly. But offstage, he could be really bad. Once he went cold, that was it. I was just blacklisted. Oh, and he did that to you? Well, I just didn't get invited back. But I didn't blame him. My thing was always really loving and bonding. It was the only time I was, as a performer, didn't care if I got a laugh because internally I was laughing so hard. But Dana, it was hysterically funny because...
I could see why he was mad at it because you were basically a young guy calling out older guy out who had lost his step and
And, you know, he was doing fluid art turbo at 67. I know. Or El Moldo with the jet black hair, which now didn't look right on a 67-year-old. And sometimes he'd do a sketch where he'd have a diaper on or underwear, and his just 58-year-old skin is just not, doesn't look good on television. Right. You know, that's okay. And it was sort of formulaic at this point. The joke bombs, they go into T for two, and he does the little tapping. And Jay would do 80. And you could.
You captured that, which is not what someone wants to see. Sometimes it's what somebody needs to see. I've always vowed that if I became that, I would quit before they were making the jokes about it. Well, here's my theory, that everybody eventually becomes a caricature of themselves, whether it's Jack Benny or anybody. If you go on long enough, you're going, is that an impressionist or is that the real guy?
So Johnny had jumped the shark on that, but he got out afterwards. But I didn't like the part where some writing got in. I was writing it with other people that made him senile because I didn't think he was there. He was from another era, but I didn't think he was sort of not with it mentally. Johnny. Can I tell you my best Johnny story? Oh, I would love it. Okay, so, and this captures, I think, both sides of him. Yeah. So it's the last time I'm on.
And Jay was scheduled to take over in a few months, right? Right. Okay, so I'm... And Johnny, I'm leaving by the entrance. And there's Johnny, of course, has the first parking spot. And it was... He had like a Corvette. Always a Corvette, I was going to say that. It was not like a... The leather jacket, the Corvette. It was so Midwestern. It was like Joe Biden in a way. I'm worth $150 million, but a Corvette? You know, I couldn't... Okay, so...
And I don't think about cars or care about them, but he's in the, and I come out and he can't get the car started. So there's a couple of aides who are, oh my fucking God, what are we going to do, Johnny? Yeah, Johnny's going to blow his gasket. And I'm, you know, I'm a 28-year-old comic or whatever. I walk over and, you know, just kind of poke my head. And he's like, can't get it started. And I said, oh boy, I bet you Jay Leno would know what to do.
And he goes, "Hmm. We'll find out how much he knows about television." -Wow.
- Ho, ho, ho. - Isn't that awesome? - Competitive till the end. - Like, and just like cold, but like funny, kind of real edge and appropriate for the moment. And so he wasn't, I mean, he was very sharp. - Well, find out what he knows about television. - Yeah. - Yeah, just like that. He could be an assassin. - And you know what we found-- - All you gotta do is I'm gonna cut you from your stern down to your spleen. - And you know what we found out? Jay knew a lot about television. Jay-- - Oh yeah.
22 years, number one. They got fired twice for the sin of being number one. Jay would... And he had his fate. ...count jokes. He knew exactly how long his monologue should be and what the metrics were. I've never known a brain who could take show business and analyze it and make it really simple. And he normally was right. Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, I mean, that show was...
Certainly different than Johnny's show. And you could say it was, you know, Johnny at first used to have an author on, you know, Gore Vidal would get 15. That went away. And of course it was, as the country got dumber, the show had to get dumber with it.
And it got dumber after. I'm not blaming the host. You have to play to where the audience is. The audience is too stupid now to watch Gore Vidal for 15 minutes. They don't have that kind of attention. That's all gone. And Jay was exactly right for his era. It was not a dumb show at all. But it wasn't what Johnny was. It wasn't just talking. It was more of a party. Because that's where America was. And it became even more so now.
And there's a picture, I guess it's Look Magazine in 1968 or something, but Carson was a sex symbol and a rock star in his prime. Yes. Completely. Absolutely. That's why I wanted to be him. He wasn't just funny. Yeah. He was sexy. Well, you're one of the few, you know...
Via Jack Benny to Johnny to Conan, Conan would do the passive look to the camera as he's the fall. And you do this little heel lift. My monologue. Yeah, which is great, and it shows you how great Johnny was.
That that's just something about it says I am always doing Johnny in the monologue to a degree. Yeah, absolutely. That is so in my blood from watching that show from the time I could sneak it when I was 12. Yeah, I didn't miss one episode through college. You know, that was just what I lived for. And, you know, and you're right. It comes to Carson used to always say he he was doing Benny.
Sometimes, yeah. There was a Benny, you know, Benny was more like, Belzer used to have the great, you know, oh, Rochester. Yeah. Roll me a joint and turn on the stereo. That's pretty good. That's Richard. Yeah, Richard Belzer. Belzer doing it. But the line is what I love. Yeah, of course. Specificity. It was so like, when he used to do that, I used to think, wow, I'm
I'm so hip. I'm a catch-a-rising star and living in New York in a shitty apartment. This guy's like talking about rolling joint, making fun of old people like Jack Benny. Yeah, boy, those impressions would still survive in the 70s. Jack Benny, I could do Jimmy Stewart. You can't do Cary Grant anymore. You can if you're rich little because you suck.
And you're doing a show at four in the afternoon in Las Vegas. Yeah, I don't know how blue you can be on it. Blue? Are you kidding? It's just us, sweetheart. Cary Grant is a gay man. I used to do this at parties. Cary Grant was half bisexual. Excuse me. I do believe you're sitting on my penis.
There's no place to do it but here. Why? Because people don't know Cary Grant? Oh, I don't know. If you don't even know him, it's a funny voice. It's an incredible voice. Have you thought about cruises? So, you know, you just do stuff backstage. Well, I mean, first of all...
There are, look, if you eliminate everything that doesn't get on a young person's radar, and I mean like Gen Z under 25, you won't say anything. Yeah. You just shut down. That's why it's only the politicians that are famous now, en masse, basically. You know, I don't know a young movie star to, you know, maybe Chris Pratt. I've never tried to do him, you know. Oh, I think you'd do a great Timothee Chalamet.
Come on, give it a go. Right here, right now. I'm Timothee Chalamet. No, you know, all you do is if you can't do the impression, you say the name of the guy you're doing and you're halfway home. But I never consider myself a pure impressionist. It was something that I did. Of course not. Yeah. No. Because I'm still known for Garth and Church Lady. You're just known for, like I said, you just know you're just going to laugh. Whatever it is, you're a five-tool player. You know, you can just...
be a reaction comic who just says funny things and reaction to something else or you can do the impressions sketches and characters they're not impressions they're just I mean Garth is not an impression it's a character it's a character well thank you Bill it's a character that well I don't want to get into like
Where does he come from? Well, I would like to know that, actually. That's basically an extrapolation of my brother Brad. I had three older brothers. Is that right? And Brad would kind of talk like that. That's why Garth had stun guns. Garth got a science bent.
And it was just a funny, it's a super nice character to sit in because he's such a good guy. Yes. This is a good show, Bill. And an idiot, which is, nothing is funnier than an idiot. Yeah, kind of a sweet idiot. There's the cocky idiot, which is Hans and Franz. There's a million kinds. Because the reason there's a million kinds of idiots is because it's the best staple is somebody, and it makes the audience feel great because the audience are like, hey, I'm smarter than that.
guy. Right. Well, also the secret of that, it wasn't a secret, but Wayne's World, like the two losers in town, they're an AMC pacer. They're cruising around. They just have catchphrases and they don't have nothing, but they're having more fun than anyone in the town.
And that's always just comforting. And who was the other guy in that sketch? Michael Myers. Oh, yeah, Michael Myers. He always struck me as a weird duck. Talented, but weird and... Well, he's Canadian. Yeah. I mean, I just, I don't know.
Not everyone speaks well of him. I don't know him well. One night, we're very good friends. I'm so glad to hear that. You meet people over a period of time and then you come back around to them and you sort of
you suddenly kind of understand them, you know, and maybe they understand you. And we have so many firsts together. You know, we got... Oh, yeah. No, no, you were in the trenches together. Yeah, yeah. No, I spent one night, it was not that long ago, maybe six or seven years ago, we saw each other at a party.
And when we decided, we went out to the beach to some bar way the fuck out. I don't know. So we were in a car together, at a bar together. It was a long night. And then he dropped him off at his hotel. Oh. And I felt like, oh, that was interesting. And he was nice. But I have no idea who that is. You know, like I didn't. Yeah.
I know he loves his family. Yeah. And that was mostly what I got. Yeah. But I couldn't get... Some people like that. They're a genius at characters. And maybe it's because they want to just be characters.
There's something going on with who they really are and the characters, and maybe the characters robbed some of their real person. Yeah, he's a sensitive guy. You know what I mean? Toward the end of Robin's life, I really, he was up in Marin County where I was, and really got to know that side of Robin, the powerhouse on stage. The wife, Robin.
Robin Williams. Oh, Robin Williams. Yeah. Wasn't his wife Robin? That was Mike Myers. Oh. Yeah, so that's a good memory. But who are we talking about? Robin Williams. Robin Williams. Oh, wow. Just another very sensitive guy. Like, you wouldn't use a certain kind of sarcasm around him or...
you wouldn't look in the mirror and go, "Well, we're getting older." He was just very sensitive, you know, and I got to understand that side of him, and then we became good friends. - You did with Robin because you're both San Francisco, right? - I just couldn't, he was so intimidating to me, even, you know, especially in the early days. He was there,
My first set, Robin went on stage. - What year were we talking about? - We're talking 1976. - 76? That's even before when I went on. - 76 and I just saw a thing in the paper. I was living in a frontage road near San Francisco airport with my brother and his roommate in a shithole and we were just smoking weed and playing Risk and I was taking a night class in San Francisco State
And I saw a thing in Samson's Chronicle, local comedians over on Telegraph Avenue in Berkeley. I didn't understand. I just knew famous, you know, Don Rickles. So anyway, I went over there, you know, and I'm watching the show.
And I took out my napkin and I started to write things down because I kind of could do Howard Cosell or, you know, and I thought, maybe I could do this. It was 20 people in a shithole in the back of a bakery in Berkeley. It wasn't planned. It was just spontaneous. Yeah, and I had a couple friends with me and then this guy comes up and he just loads up the room. I mean, he just levitates the room. Robin. Yeah.
And I put the napkin back in my because I didn't know it was Robin I thought maybe there's a lot of these guys just the idea I you know people went round and round about him But I at the end I just thought okay He he created this character of a Shakespearean actor that's gonna come out and try to do stand-up and everything's gonna be chaotic And there was a method to it, but it was sort of a brilliant creation because he was so worried about
He kept apologizing to me, and I go, no, you didn't. He thought he stole stuff from me. Well, he was accused of stealing when he did Mork and Mindy. He would admit to that. He could absorb anything. Right. But I've never seen anybody. He wasn't my favorite comedian, but I am kind of in awe of when I would see an HBO special or something like that.
Like, there was just a level of excitement in the room the whole time he was on. Oh, yeah. And the amount of, like, you know, laughs that are like tens, you know, real thunderclap laughs that he would get, like...
close together, if I'm just looking at it numerically. He was a machine. If they had stats on that thing, it was Barry Bonds' 73 homers. It was just, and he was on steroids also, but it was just, and he would be in this stinky sweat. For those of you over there, and it's just like, for those of you on acid, this is a Frisbee, and it was all very fast.
- Or the fruit fly, the fly, and all chaotic and so energetic, so you can't follow that as a monologist. You'd have to make way for it. - No, no. It was, yeah, it was a hurricane.
I don't think they could even imagine something like that in the era we were talking about. I mean, imagine Jack Benny following that. I mean, those days, you know. It was all organized and tidy. But also, when you look at those old tapes from those old timers, like, it could go two minutes without a laugh. You know, the audience had just so much more patience back then. Yeah. Now it has to be just like that. Yes. Destruction. We are brought to you by SignalWire. SignalWire powers the future of cloud communications.
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he he's all about how the phone has just ruined the minds and i'm talking about physically ruined the minds of everyone who came along after 2009 when they when the phone began if you were a 10 year old and you got the phone they can't concentrate yeah i mean tick tock your kids are grown now right yeah like they've kind of missed it they're in their late 20s so you know
Late 20s. You have kids? Oh, Jesus. Well, one's 31, actually. Oh, wow. I know. Isn't it strange? Well, I feel like all my friends go through passages, and I'm always in the same passage. I am the rest of development. It's like, I like 27, and I'm going to stay here. I don't understand. Nobody who's married with children, unless they're a fool, would try to get you on our team. Oh, they all do. I wouldn't.
Okay. In a second. I would never do that. People do. That's a big thing. That's pathetic. Marriage proselytizing is a big thing. Would never do that. And a lot of messaging is about that. I'm going to do a thing for extra content later, but I'll just tell you the idea. Well, I just watch this. I watch these movies in the bathtub. You know, like I have...
Jeez, you're like Scarface? Yes, exactly. I'm very much like... I just love inhabiting Pacino's Cuban accent. So you're in a big bubble bathtub. You're single. You're a multimillionaire. You've got a hit TV show. And I don't know who...
So I'm watching. So, like, I have a TV in the bathroom. Yeah, so I could watch there. And is it a sudsy tub? I want to just see Bill. Yes, it is a sudsy tub. It's a bubbly tub. You're by yourself. Yes, it is a sudsy tub. Yes, I'm by myself. It's a nice-sized tub, but I'm by myself. Watching movies. Well, you know. Or television. I don't get through a whole movie. I'm not going to take a 90-minute bath, but I'm not a crazy person.
But, like, the kind of thing I would watch in the bathtub. I'm actually opening another beer. I've never felt this decadent. I can't wait to get on cold water again with a few of these in me. Sorry, officer, I didn't know I was swerving. I had a strawberry nightmare at the windy shelter. And if this was that old kind of talk show, I'd be like, somebody told me you had a weird thing happen on cold water. It's so, when we think of how far we've come from how stilted that was.
It was so, and that is what got to him, that it was time for the king to fall. Some people are not built for longevity past a certain point because as great as he was, like,
The generations were ready. Well, he thought that Benny and Hope had stayed too long. Yes. He did not want to be that, but maybe he went out a little unceremoniously. He bitched to me once about Bob Hope. Oh.
A person who doesn't know him. I was just backstage. He had seen me. I did 30 times with him. So he liked me. Obviously, they kept having me back, but we weren't like buddies or anything. Right, and he's opening up to you. Yes, and I'm backstage, and I think, I guess, Hope was on that night, and he just...
"Well, this guy, yes, an 800-pound gorilla." Oh, yeah. And wouldn't do a pre-interview and all this stuff. And it was true. Bob Hope was so bad. He was just living on his legend. And I remember they... I was on that show, and they had these pictures. So they had to... Bob wouldn't prepare anything, so they would just... "What are we gonna do with Bob?" Okay. So they got all these pictures of just his whole life here and there and here and there.
The two things I remember that he said when they showed a picture, they showed one of him dressed with a pontiff outfit. And he goes, his crack ad lib was, there I am as the Pope. Yeah.
Yeah, no kidding. Nothing else. Thanks, Bob. I love the idea of just guys going into their 90s and just can't ever let it go. But he would shoot on Carson. He would use his studio to shoot his specials. He'd move his rehearsals around. He never respected Carson. And nobody else was above Carson.
No. So, but at NBC, you know, and of course, just out of respect, Johnny was, yeah, he could be called, but, you know, he got it that Bob Hope was a legend and, you know. Yeah, he handed me my Emmy.
Bob Hope? I won an Emmy and Bob Hope gave it to me. Really? Don't you have stuff like that in your life? Certainly not someone handing me an Emmy. Oh, really? I'm going to make a phone call. Oh, yeah. 40 nominations. Can we go back to the sudsy tub for a second? Because I think your fans want to see. Oh, yeah. Okay. I mean, I just like the image of you because you have sort of this, you know, whatever your vibe is, erudite, intellectual. Okay, I will go back. What year did you quit pot?
Probably, I smoked it quite a bit, maybe at 24, 25. Because you said when you were living in that place, you were smoking pot all day. Oh, yeah, or a lot. But I don't, you know, we would... So where'd you go wrong? I got, you know, at some point I got a little paranoid on it and a little anxious. That's...
That is understandable, if it makes you paranoid. But when I did the Mickey Rooney Show in New York with Nathan Lane, the sitcom that I did with Nathan Lane and Mickey Rooney, you may not know, my first job in network television. Which was it? One of the Boys. It only ran a few months. One of the Boys. With Mickey Rooney and Nathan Lane. Mickey Rooney.
Mickey Rooney was so convinced that I was gay because, you know, I had the kind of... Leno used to say to me at the end of the program, you know, don't, yeah, hey, Dana, don't go to prison, you know. Yeah, I don't want to go to prison. So, so... And he only comes up to your belt buckle. Oh, he was, yeah, I'm a fire plug. What was he like? He must have been a hell. One of the...
craziest people right had a 38 revolver that he would swing around he said this if he didn't said it once he said it a thousand times and i'll say it exactly the way he said it and exactly the manifest the little quirks of it i was the number one star in the world you hear me bang the world and that was the thing he did all the time right and it's funny i was going to ask you
That question, I think I must have heard that before. Well, that he was obsessed with what he was. And it's like so sad. And, you know, when people are like jealous, I understand why we have great lives. A lot of us in business is fun. But when you see a lot of it is not. A lot of it is a guy who obviously is tortured the vast majority of his life
because he's not the number one. He was the number one star. And then he... It is not, you know, he's relying on something for happiness that was always going to be too ephemeral.
Yes. And he called up the head of Warner's in 1955. He said, this is Mickey Rooney. I need a job. And he hung up on me. He's just looking off into space, you know. Mickey, and he had every sexy woman. He was the Pete Davidson of the 1940s. I said, Mickey, how did you do it? And he said, money makes you handsomer. Oh.
But when I intersect, which is handsomer. I don't know if that's a word. I know it's good, though. But man, is it great. Old fashioned. When I intersected with him, he was doing Sugar Babies on Broadway, getting $50,000 a week and $50,000 for the sitcom. And he was at the racetrack all week long. We would just rehearse to his stand in.
and he would always have like at least five, 10,000 in cash. And he put it in front of my face and say, "Think I can afford lunch?" He was finally flushed after 50 years. He put it right under my face.
And he... But the fact that he wanted to do bits for you is kind of complimentary. I mean... Well, you know, he was like Sammy Davis Jr. He was an impressionist. He played the piano. These old school guys, I'm saying... They do everything. Yes, it's great to be in show business, kids. And yes, it's a good life, a lot. It's fun. It's also mostly shit for most people who go into it. And then there's this neediness. I mean...
My friend Hiram Caston told me this funny comedian told me this story about Jerry Lewis. He sees him. I mean, this is like a long time ago, but, you know, probably the 90s since he sees Jerry Lewis on a plane. And he's like sitting in the same row. But like it was one of those back when there was like four in the middle. But there's like.
I guess, whatever it is, he could see him on the same or on the other side of the plane. So he goes over to him and Mr. Lewis, I'm a comedian and I'm a great admirer and Jerry's really nice and loves that he's a comedian. And they talk a little and he goes back to his seat and he said he didn't want to look over after that
For a long time to didn't want Jerry to think he was looking at him say after like 20 minutes he looks over and Jerry's got the headset like
Twisted on his face. Like he must have been holding that position for 20 minutes waiting for Hiram to turn around and see him. That's funny. The neediness. 20 minutes. I know. That's what I'm... And the ego. Yes, but that's not ego. That's need. I need this...
I just met, or I want to give, you can look at it, I want to give him this laugh. I think it's a lot of that. I never had that love of like, I got to get on stage tonight. I got to get that approval. It never appealed to me, never meant anything to me. But how many live dates do you do a year?
Not much. No? Not this past year, because pandemic kind of slowed down. I did about five in the last six weeks, you know. I always ask you to do Hawaii. Yeah, I know, I know. We have the same manager for all of these. I'm not against doing that. What if he went? Would you go if it was him? Gervitz, yeah. Yes. Wouldn't that be fun? I have a gig. It's so much fun. It's four days.
Does your audience know this? It's a jet. Four days, a jet, have fun. Yes, we do two shows. We do Maui on the 30th, and we do New Year's. What are the dates? Oh, it's New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve in Honolulu. We fly in on the 28th. You know how to live. I really do. Everyone who's on this trip loves it so much. Gilbert was supposed to do it this year, and then that asshole went up and died to get somebody else, but luckily Jeff Ross died.
Jeff Ross is terrible. So it's going to be great. No, I kid. I mean, I just saw Gilbert's Widow and the Kids. I came to my show at Madison Square Garden. And we are all just feel so deprived.
Not just for the trip. Well, he was a singularity. Well, and it was going to be after 40 years of knowing him, it was going to be our vacation together. So let's do it before you fucking die or I fucking die. Well, what's your cholesterol numbers? Let's get down to it. I'm the heart guy. I know everything about that stuff. Didn't they fuck up an operation on you? Yeah, well, they just didn't improve the situation. I thought they did the wrong operation.
I thought that's what I heard. Well, yeah. Whenever I talk about this stuff, usually people glaze over and they're either queasy or curious. I'm fascinating. Yeah, okay. So I had familial hypoplastremia. So my cholesterol was 400, 500. Because it's the wrong kind of cholesterol? Genetic. And it's the wrong kind. The sticky kind. The sticky kind. And within the sticky kind, there's people who have less sticky kind. So I had, you know, at 42, I'm running and just started feeling this...
kind of burning in my throat. So then I found out I had almost 100% blocked lower anterior descending artery, your left main artery.
Everything else is great. So that blew my fucking mind. So in other words, it was imperative to do something soon. Well, they would stent back then in 90s. Stent, right. Yeah, but the stents were kind of sort of bare metal and sometimes they would restenose, which means the artery was not prepared for a controlled injury inside it, so it would build scar tissue and that would block you up again.
You're not having more coronary artery disease. It's actually scar tissue. So they kept roto-rootering that on, in and out. And I'm doing dates in Vegas, getting the feeling, oh, it's got to go back. This went on and on and on. And then finally they go, well, you're a re-stenoser. My doctor is from India. You're a re-stenoser. So then they said, you probably should do a bypass. Two mammary arteries, very simple. The first day. Mammary arteries.
Yeah, your mammary arteries never block up. I didn't know I had them. You have them. If you ever need a bypass, use them. You never want, they're very valuable. Can I use them for sex? I don't know. They're called mammary arteries. What happens in that tub? We've got blood and tits involved. I don't see why we couldn't. To you, this is kind of a sexy story. Well, I'm just saying mammary artery is kind of, it sounds like a band that I would see at the Roxy. Yeah.
- That's right, it does sound like a heavy metal. Where the mammary? - Chopped broccoli. Maybe they could open for the chopped broccoli. - Chopped broccoli. Why that thing lasted 40 years, maybe you could tell me. - You're funny.
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You really should. What kind of jet? I'm really into jets. I mean, it's not a Hawker 800, is it? 13 seat. I bring Jimmy Vallely. Great people. So for you people, that's probably a Challenger or a Gulfstream. I don't know. I just know what it looks like, and I'm sure I should feel guilty about it, but I don't because...
Well, yeah, come on. I always say this now. The only people who don't fly private are the ones who can't. Anybody who can would, except for Greta and a few other people. And we're not really doing anything, I don't see, as a group of humans to solve this problem. We keep talking about it, but we don't really do anything. I just don't feel like me adding this is making a difference. And we either do this as a group,
I'm just not going to be the one schmuck, you know, not enjoying my life if we've all just decided. All humans who've ever been on a private jet understand it. All of us understand it. It's all the kids want. Greta Thunberg is fading as an impression. I have a four-second impression of her, a 15-year-old high school kid with Asperger's lecturing the world.
It's just two words, three words. How dare you? How dare you? No, and I understand her plight, and I'm sympathetic to it. I think she's a brave person. Totally. But I also think she is not representative of her generation who love to, like, blame us. You wrecked the world. Yeah, like, you're doing it differently. Like, you're not driving. Right.
Right, you're just with Greta on a sailboat all the time. You're using cars as much as we did, so shut the fuck up. You know what, we're all decided that we're just gonna drive over the Grand Canyon and...
have a great time on our way. And as long as that's what we decided, I'm not going to be the schmuck driving a three-foot car. We are going to do this, basically. We're going to try to get to the renewables when they're practical and they can take over fossil fuels. Nobody, everyone's a Republican when the lights go out. Right. Everybody. What the fuck is my life? That sounds like one of those books where they're standing on the cover with their arms folded. Everybody.
Everyone wants a Republican when the lights go out. My plan to save America, tear that dress off your son and kill criminals and bomb Mexico. Bomb Mexico into the Stone Age. I'm Dick Cheney. Everyone's a Republican when their lights go out.
Yeah, hey, you know, but yeah, I think we'll be fine. I mean, I read Matt Ridley and Beyond Lomborg and other alternatives, not deniers. No, exactly. But say, we will migrate, we will build dams, we'll do what we do. Plainly, the let's all do the right thing plan didn't work. That missed it by that much. Missed it by that much. We were all on board. It just...
And now India and China, those countries and many others... They're going to live with it. Well, you know, they were... Many of those people are just coming into the middle class. So it wasn't an option for them to have cars and refrigerators and fly on planes. And air conditioning. And air conditioning especially. And now that they can have those things...
Their attitude is, wait. - Wait a minute. Hold on. Oh, I know. And the Africans too. They're like, "Oh, let me get this straight." - You used it all up. - Yeah. - And now we can't have air conditioning because we have to all be good now? - We have to fan ourselves like in the 17th century while you were in an icebox half your life? - Yeah, exactly. - No, I don't think so. Yeah.
I mean, yeah, it's just not going to fly. We're going to be fine. You can eat. I'm a rational optimist. I think this is a great character for us to do together. Two third world guys because we strike people as third world guys bitching about how first world people used up all the resources. And that's the whole bit. That's the whole bit. We never deviate from that one complaint. We got fucked by the first world. Um.
You'll have to name these characters because you're a character person. Yeah, you need a little catchphrase-y character. Well, you do a show with David Spade.
Fly on the wall. Yeah, it's fantastic and doing fantastic. It's doing very well. Again, there's a guy like you who's just very... He did the Hawaiian trip. He was the first... Oh, really? Yeah, Spade is... We mixed together. I love bouncing off. I know you do. It's obvious. We're very good friends. It's the most natural, of course, a friendship of 30 years or something is going to...
But also, let me ask you this question. As you go through the journey of life, you can disconnect, kind of, like Spade and I. I would maybe go six years without seeing him when I was in New York. Sure, of course. Doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. And then you see your friend, and it's like five seconds. Absolutely. No. Yeah. So it's nice...
that you get to like now see him like work gives us always the excuse to be with the people we really love. I always say to people who ask me about comedians, I say, look, if you're at a boring party with bankers and normal people, not to pick on bankers,
And you're there suffering. Or normal people. Well, just not comedians. And you're suffering through it, and then a comedian comes in. These are generic, and they're sort of clichés. You're talking about your fans. Be nicer. Normal people are great. No, no, I know that. I'm talking about the very boring of the normal quadrant. Of those people. Yeah. Oh, the ones that are great.
- The ones who aren't our fans. - Yeah, not our fans. Our fans are smart, especially yours. - Well, I always feel like my fans literally are people who I probably could be friends with a lot of them if I knew them in person because it's just like, it's a way of thinking. - A sensibility. - A sensibility and a way of thinking that like,
Like, if you like that, and it certainly isn't for everybody, but if you do, you tend to like it a lot. Right. And you probably are open-minded, and I think we wouldn't be friends with a lot. To clarify that, I think it's more like a comedian is a sensitive instrument in some ways, and we're trained to...
You know Pope fun at the right thing know what's wrong in the room. Where's the elephant in the room? And so we're all used to that. We're speaking the same language, you know, so that's okay so but so you Know you do I Love all people anyway, but you're in a party with bankers those fucks look I lived in Greenwich, Connecticut and
Okay. Well, that explains a lot. Yeah, exactly. Well, I was doing the Dana Carvey show. Why does that explain a lot? I don't know. Now you're digging a hole. It's just a rhythm thing. No, that's funny. That's right. That explains a lot. It means nothing. You're right. I went to the proctologist. It means absolutely nothing. I went to the proctologist. That explains a lot. You're right. That's the Carson rhythm. And also, you can just sometimes get a laugh off a rhythm, and it doesn't have to mean anything, you know? Well, that's the best laugh. That's everything to me.
But I do really admire people who can write good jokes. Of course. Because I don't write jokes. But people who can write, really write, you know. I'm going to go back to writing them in an hour. I have a real job.
This is just my hobby. Okay, now I want to... The sudsy tub has happened. Your day's done. Do you go into a little room, an office, and do you unplug everything? And have you got your monologue you're working on for the show this week? No, monologue is something... When stand-up is always around, bits? No, my stand-up, yeah, I just got off the road this weekend. Do you have a new bit that's working or a new line? Oh, I've got plenty. What's the line that's killing now?
You know, you're in a joke of mine. I am? I name check you in a joke. That's awesome. You want to hear the bit? Oh, yeah. Okay. I'm flattered. I don't care what it is. It's at the end. Yeah.
And see, at the end of my act, and it's a lot about how like parents overprotect their kids these days. And like, I think everything is asked backwards with parents. You know, parent, I won't do all the jokes, but parents apologizing to their kids. It's a kid-centric world. It's a kid is. It used to be, kids used to have to be seen on the, yeah. A lot of hey buddies. Yeah, they're cult objects. And, you know,
And there's a thing about like, oh, they're apologizing to their own kids, you know. I let you down, buddy. You know, because dad cheated or something. This is the plot of so many movies and TV shows in real life. This is all killing. Yeah, see, yeah. And maybe when you get older and you learn what an erection is, you'll be a little more forgiving, you know. And then I talk about how like, and actually, you know, even when people say you shouldn't think with your dick, you shouldn't let your dick run your life. Mm-hmm.
Why not? It's going to win anyway. That's great. Okay. So you got it. And then your part comes. Why? I'm like...
And this is true. This all comes from the truth. And I didn't used to talk about my personal life as much as I do now. It's funny the way, for some reason at this age, I can look back 20 years and it's not creepy to talk about relationships. Whereas I don't want to talk about relationships that are current because I'm too old. People, you have to be married and have children or shut the fuck up. But if I say 20 years ago, so I'm saying a couple of times in my life,
And far from being a detriment, my penis actually protected me. There was a couple of times, and I won't go into detail of why, but there was a couple of times when I was about to have sex with someone who I really should not have been having sex with. I know where it's going. And my penis was like, no, not going to do it.
Wouldn't it be prudent that I say, that's how sophisticated my dick is. It can do Dana Carvey doing George Bush. Oh, God, that's great.
Not gonna do it, not gonna go there. Penis a wreck, foreskin ready, thrusting hips, area willing, gonna negate it, closing area down, blanket on it, sponge it down, go out to the side, masturbation, take that desire down into a potted plant, keep the plant where it is, education.
I love summing things up as George Bush Sr. It's gone to nothing to do with him. First of all, you get the timber in his voice, not just the cadence, but it really has that, it's very close to like close your eyes. Yeah, very down here. It is so comedy friendly. Just like the guy who makes everything super funny.
Correct and right. Prudent turns out to be so funny. Wouldn't be prudent at this young. Such a funny thing, especially when you apply it to stuff like penises. Not going to do it. He's down here. Obama was a tough one to do, but now I do a joke just because it made me laugh. Obama's now going to preschools and talking about public policy. Jack and Jill went up the hill. Oh, that's good. Jack and Jill went up the hill.
-Ugh! -And Jill decided she wanted to be a Jack. And Jack decided he wanted to be a Jill. That's a teachable moment. But that was a very hard one for me to get. -I've never heard anyone do Obama. -I know. -You got it. -I got it. -You got it. -I do it all the time. That's the kind of thing I like to do. And that's -- Those are the reasons. I do his -- He's so brilliant. When I saw him in Philadelphia, the pausing. He's got 60,000 -- This is before the midterms.
And he'll just stop talking. And no one has been, you know, the thing we've got to do. And you're like, what the fuck do we got to do? We've got to come together as a people. Well, that's a trick that all good orators understand. He's, yeah. Silence makes people more attentive than yelling. Right. They're like, what?
So this is a bit I used to do very quickly, but I said, you know, he's got the deal at Netflix So I go I want to go pitch a show to Obama, you know He goes Dana before you pitch me the show. I like to I had an idea for maybe a movie I don't know if it's any good little alien comes down to earth. We're friends a little girl and
Spaceship leaves he can't get home. I think that's ET by Spielberg. Oh fuck me Michelle. What do you got? It was all it's get all the whole thing is don't you don't you have a show what do you got? Don't you have a sci-fi thing a podcast coming out? That's like now. It's it's been in the top 10 and yeah, what is it we? It's called a weird place
It's based on, it's the Twilight Zone. When did it come out? It came out two weeks ago. Oh, for fuck's sake. Fuck me. I didn't even know. No. But no, it's a scripted audio podcast, and normally they suck.
My two sons were the ones and their best friend from their childhood. A scripted audio podcast, like a radio show. Yeah, like storytelling. Holy fuck. Yeah. And it's anthology. And Rod, I can't say Rod Serling, takes us through it. And then my two sons didn't want to be publicized. They go, Dad, whenever there's celebrity kids with the dad, it sucks. Right. So they've kept it very under wraps. Oh, that's cool. Totally. Very smart. Yeah.
They went, we went downtown. It's like audio feature film, really. It took it to a new level.
You just have to hear it. So it's an hour? It's 90 minutes of content. There's a talking weird companion piece where Rod interviews people. And you do one a week of those? No, it's just like an album. We just did five episodes, and we're just seeing what the reaction is. But it's one of the funnest things I've ever worked on. So let's examine this. Let's unpack it. No.
Here's what I want to unpack it. Bill probing post-suds time. Got to get to his notes. Dana late, cold water, shut down. Go ahead. You got me on a roll here with my friend, my good friend, Bush Sr. So, um...
I always am curious, like, what gets on my radar, what gets on other people's radar, why something does, why something doesn't. What the people, whoever was, you obviously wanted people to be aware of this. I'm a big fan of yours. Yeah, no, I agree. Of course, I get busy and I catch up on things like I'm in the middle of the end of my season. So it's like the last four shows. It should have reached you, to your point. That's right. Where did they fall down in me not? Good point. We did it with Team Coco, Conan O'Brien's company. Yeah, sure.
And we're going to keep marketing it. We're going to have billboards. They're good. Yeah. So I just think it's hard to break through. It is. It's hard to. Yeah. You just assume everyone knows. Like I'm assuming every human being will see me on this. And then you're like, you're going to another part. Right. Of course not. There's just too much. And we're also just, unlike when we were little kids and we watched Ed Sullivan.
- Yeah. - Which the whole, I mean, it was a variety show where something for everybody because everybody watched one show. And now we're at the complete opposite. We're so splintered that nobody knows what anybody else, I mean, there are TikTokers who are giant stars that we have no idea who they are and
Those people don't know Burt Weinkast. There's a handsome kid on Instagram that kind of just... His name's Brian. He opens jars of pickles. And he's doing seven figures. Why are you watching? Gurvitz told me. Why am I watching the handsome kid? Why are you watching handsome young men? No, this is what I've heard of. But the point is, for young people...
There's so many people on OnlyFans squatting in their panties, a woman who just squats in her panties with high heels making $500,000 a month. The whole thing is so distorted now. And, you know, when we grew up, my day we had, you know, that...
Besides Tiny Tim, everyone was talented. Tiny Tim was a novelty. He would have been great in this era. But everyone was talented. Perry Como could really sing, you know? And Don Rickles was really funny. So that's okay. We're just from another era. But there's something we miss from it. Well, there are very talented people in this era, too. Oh, as well. But it's not necessary. But also, probably, I would say, of all the great pop artists,
culture quotes from our era and when we were kids. The one that really turned out to be most prescient was Andy Warhol, everybody will be famous for 15 minutes. That thing, way before social media or anything was very prescient. That we will really spread this shit out so that everybody has some follower. I mean, followers are really famous. It will be way more than 15 minutes. That's the only thing he'd probably...
But here's the thing, Bill. Can I call you Bill? There's 5 billion in the digital world that you and I can access. 5 billion people in Asia and Africa and Western Europe and Canada and South America. You know, you look at your metrics or someone does for this podcast. You've got fans in Luxembourg and Iran and it's all over the world. Yeah. So if you can do, if you can get 40,000 people
to give you five bucks a month because you amuse them on a paywall, you're making three million right there. Really? Yeah. It adds up. Five times 200,000 or two and a half million. So there's people that I know of
that no one's ever heard of that made their own little kingdom that you've done here and are making about five million a year. They don't have an agent manager. They're not in the system. They're not on talk shows. It's just happening now. It seems like we're moving, like if you graft it, like, or...
illustrated like from the beginning when this is one person on stage or a couple of people and then there's a giant audience and slowly more of the audience. Then there's 10,000 people. And then the stage sinks. That's right. Because there's too many, there's too much weight. And then it just collapses and it collapses. And eventually rebuilds. But I thought of this 15 years ago when this first started happening. I thought, can I get a million people to
to give me a buck a month and I'll just do shit for them. - Oh yeah. - But that has now come to fruition in the last five years and there's people doing that. - I would pick up the tabs of like hundreds and hundreds and maybe thousands of those people just to see you do shit for me. - Wow. - All right, but I gotta go. - We did it. - You're the kind of person that's like secretly super likable. I'm supposedly a nice guy, but I'm kind of an asshole.