Chevy Chase | Club Random with Bill Maher
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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. Hey, while I got you here listening to the podcast, I wanted to tell you I'm having more fun than ever on the road, and I will be in New York City at the Hulu Theater at Madison Square Garden, November 12th. There are things that I say in this show that I wouldn't even say here at Club Random, let alone on real time.

So I'll probably be canceled after the show. So you want to be able to tell your grandkids you were there when it happened. So come on out and laugh your ass off. Go to nycomedyfestival.com or Ticketmaster to get your tickets. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. The icon of icons.

How are you, my friend? Chevy, may I kneel before a comedy god? No, you, you, you. Please. That's it. Okay, I won't slobber over you anymore. I mean, I may verbally. I won't do it from my mouth. Anything you like. But I'm so flattered that you would come here to Club Red with my little... I lived here, practically. I mean, across the street, really. Oh, you mean this neighborhood? Yeah. Oh, where we're...

Well, let's not give away... Scared the shit out of me. Well, let's not give away my undisclosed location, but it's a lovely neighborhood, isn't it? What's the actual address here, then? Ha ha!

Jesus. That's the thing about you, Jimmy. You were always very funny. I mean, like... I still am. You know, I know. By the way, I saw that movie you did with Burt Reynolds. Oops. What? Oh, what the hell was that? It was called, like, The Last Movie Star. The Last Laugh? No, no. The Last Movie Star, Burt Reynolds. With Burt Reynolds, yeah. It was recent. It was recent.

He, just before he died, he was basically playing a version of himself. You were his best friend. He was actually dying during it. It's really, well. It's a sad thing to say. Sadly, yes. But, I mean, man. That's when I learned what a great actor he is. He is a great actor. And it looked like he was a great real friend.

I mean, I kept thinking, why did they have, I mean, I would not have like sort of guessed, oh, look, the perfect person to play the foil to Burt Reynolds, Chevy Chase, but it turned out it was. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't have any idea what it was about. You never saw it? No, I never saw it. Okay, can I tell you? You should see it. It's really good. Okay, thank you. He basically plays himself. In fact, they used clips of him when he was young throughout the whole thing, who's now like he was at the time. Obviously, this is not a business where you can be on top forever, so now he's 80. Declining. Yeah. By the way, I'm almost 80.

What? Kiss me. I'm serious. Really? Yeah, I'll be 79 in a month or so. Yeah, but you look very svelte. Thank you. Really. By the way, you look svelte. I said swell. No, but yeah, you do. I mean, I've seen you much heavier and you look like you're... That was quite many years ago, yeah. I've been like this for 15 years. Really? Yeah. Oh, well, time flies, huh?

But let me tell you about this movie that you're in. Are you stoned to the bejesus like I've been hearing? Well, I... Will you be? I don't think we need to bring Jesus into this, but I may have had a clove cigarette earlier in the day. I don't know what they're putting in...

My gosh. I don't know what they're putting in these clothes, Chevy. Yeah. But it is fantastic. I say it every week. I can't say it enough. They should really sponsor this show.

But I'm going to get this out if it kills me because I really think you'd enjoy this movie. So you're Burt Reynolds' best friend. This was only a few years ago. It can't be that funny. It's funny. It's touching. And especially since Burt really did die right afterwards, which is what in Hollywood we call a great ending.

It's quite meaningful. Hi! Yeah. So Bert is, again, he's this old guy, and without you there's no movie because you convince him to go to, I think it's Memphis, where they're having a film festival.

Maybe it's Nashville. Yeah, right. He gets this offer the Nashville Film Festival wants to honor you and your amazing career And he's like, ah fuck it. What are they and you go? No, it's great You know you can you deserve these accolades and he goes and it's like three Millennials who like are putting on they just they sent him a letter and it's not really worse in it, right? It's not really a film fest I mean, it's their version of yeah, but he feels taken and and and

There's a whole thing with a young girl who is assigned to watch over him. See, when I said what a great actor, I was sort of kidding because then there's this scene where he walks out onto the field that he played football on. Yes. And he's just remembering all that period. And the camera's on his face for maybe five minutes while he remembers. And I remember now. So you did see the movie? Yes.

Well, I guess I did. Yeah, I did. That's okay. But there he is out there. And this is the way he looks. That's it. That's Bert's shining moment. Okay. But no, I make fun. Right. But he's dead.

Exactly. Right. I always say the same thing. What does it hurt to be cruel if someone is either not there because they're dead or they're not in the room? Like, as long as they don't get wind of it or hear of it, I think there should be no limits on how cruel. Well, I know he's not going to get wind of it. So, you know what? I'm making fun of, obviously, he had an incredible career. Oh, so great. Oh, yeah.

The girls loved him. Oh, I loved him. He was that handsome guy. You too. The handsome guy who played against type.

You know, there's nothing sexual. Ryan Reynolds does it now. Uh-huh. You know, sometimes Ryan Gosling does it. Cary Grant did it. When you're the good-looking guy, but you act like the guy who's not the good-looking guy, that's like now you've got a covenant going. Warren Beatty. Warren. Did it? No, it just reminded me of...

when I was on the Tom Snyder show. Remember that show? I did it a million fucking times. I was on that. Yeah. He would be smoking the whole time. Yeah, that's right. Anyway, oh, he said, people say you're going to be the next Cary Grant. And I said, that's crazy.

There's nobody like Cary Grant, and there will never be another Cary Grant. Right. And I understand he was a homo. One of the stupidest things I've ever said. It's funny. It was very funny. You were always funny. I've never once. It was the worst thing I could have said, though. Well. Well, Cary wasn't alive anymore. But again, who's hurt by that?

That's always my question. Well, I agree. When people lose their shit, who's hurt by that? Certainly, you know, homosexuals, come on, among the best sensitive humor in the world, I think, are gay people. You know, they just are more, you know, urbane and, you know, sophisticated. By the way, I don't think Carrie...

Was gay. Do you think he was? I don't know. Cary Grant, I think, was half a... I think there was a... I'm going to say this. I think he, at one time in his life, had a dick in his ass. Yes, I do. Well, just a sec now.

Now that's conjecture, but he's just too good looking not to. He had that great white hair in his old age. Oh yeah, he looked great. Always looked great. Most handsome guy in the world. Also, got off the stage at the right time. He didn't linger, you know? Yeah. There was no later years of Cary Pratt. Neither, by the way, do I.

We're very much alike that way. You know what? Fuck that. I'm going to linger. They're going to have to fucking drag me out of show business because, like, what else are we going to do? I know. And also, we're in the end of show business where you can do it in old age because it's not like singing where our voice goes. Funny, George Burns was doing it when he was 100. Yeah. You know? It doesn't... I mean, George Carlin basically died on stage.

Alan King. Well, I won't touch that. Why? You didn't like George Carlin? Wasn't he the first host? Was it George Carlin? Yeah, he was the first host. Wasn't he the first host? Yeah. Oh. I loved him. He was a good guy. Such a great guy. Yeah, good guy. I have to tell you. You don't have an Emory board, do you? I do.

You lied. What am I, Harpo Marx? Yeah, I've got a candle. I've got a swordfish. Jesus, swordfish. Remember, he used to pull the shit out of his coat. Yeah, yeah. No, oh, every time I see, who's the president now? I think it's Biden. Biden.

That's the fellow. Every time I see him fall, like off the bike, he did one on the steps. Joe? Joe Biden. He took a fall? Off the bike. Oh, yeah. Right. Also, walking up the very steep steps to Air Force One. Yes.

It's like he's doing your act. I mean, it's almost exact. Watch the one on the Air Force One steps. It looks exactly like a cold open. Was he coming down or going up? He was going up. He was going up and then he went down. But it looks exactly like a cold open from 1975. You're doing Gerald Ford. It's hysterical. Oh, my God, Jerry. Yeah.

I liked Ford in the sense that he was a nice fella and he invited us to the White House and God knows why, but he was a good guy. He was nice. Yeah. Just a Republican ass, but beyond that. Well, I mean, that's, but look, not to get political, but that's what we have to get back to is

Not hating people. Republican asses. Well, I mean, you can think that about somebody. Yes, I think that about a lot of Republicans, always have, and a fair number of Democrats as well. But even the ones who I think are politically, yes, asses,

I've known for 30 years doing the two shows I've done. They are often some of the nicest people, like when you talk to them offstage and when it's not political and when you're having the drink in the green room. And it's like that is what America has to get back to, being able to do that. And just get over yourself thinking that every...

Any mail for me? Mail. Chevy, we don't get the mail anymore. At least wake up and say, oh my God, is there a TikTok? Bring it up to date.

What? You do TikTok now, don't you? I don't know. Yes, you do. No, I... Yes, you do. I don't follow any of that stuff. But you do it. You may not follow it. Maybe I do do it, if you'll pardon the expression. Yes, you definitely do do it. Or else there can't be a Chevy impersonator out there. No, I don't know. Remember when they said Paul McCartney was dead?

Do you remember that hoax? I do. Wasn't that amazing? I mean, it was, first of all, when they came here, everyone was gaga. I know, I know, yeah. So they were all like, look, they were like 21 years old. They looked like they had just won World War II for this country. Oh, yeah, absolutely. I mean, the love. In fact, I've been jealous of them ever since. Yeah, who couldn't? Come on. It's just wonderful. Is there any...

career in show business. I know everybody thinks that they have their version of the Beatles, Michael Jackson. Yes, I'm sure there are comparable in many ways, but I think you had to be there. And I was only eight years old, so I'm vaguely piecing this together. But it seems to me that they did have a cultural impact. But again, maybe... Look, it's about harmony, harmonies, literally musical harmonies. These guys...

had it right. You could say, even if you were a musician, say, those are beautiful harmonies. And you could see how it affected people who weren't musical at all. It was just a lovely group of guys. How could you not like them? Even Ringo.

I'm sorry to say it that way. I'm sorry, Ringo. I know what you mean. Even Ringo. No. No, but you know, I mean... Well, Ringo, I mean, as far as... Why are we talking about the Beatles? Why not? Because we have no agenda here. Why? What do you have something where you have to plug something? What do you have a... Oh, you do have a movie, don't you? Maybe I will plug. How about this shirt? Jesus Farmers. Is that what that says? Jesus Farmers? Yeah. What does that mean? Who the fuck knows?

Right. I just had these made. They're going to go big. I'm saying, you know how you see T-shirts? Right. You're not sure what it is or means. Shabby, are you circumcised? I used to be. You used to be. It grew back? What? I mean, that's... I've never heard that, but I suppose... What, that I used to be? No, that a foreskin could grow back.

Can it? I mean, you just, you just, you just implied that. Jesus, this is like being in an Ionesco play. Oh, that's the worst. What? An Ionesco play. God, that's so easy.

Jesus. What does it even mean to you? I don't know. All you have to do is say UNESCO and intellect. Middle America perks, right? Yeah, that's right. But don't you have a movie with Dan Aykroyd coming up?

Oh, yeah. We just shot in Canada. You just shot it? Yeah. Just, I mean, literally a week ago I was there. I hear Burt Reynolds is great. He's the last person in it.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, Dan, he's just... Do you know Dan at all? He's just wonderful. I don't know. I always wished I did. I mean, as I do, I'm getting... This is... I'm very... I don't know. It's good to be here. I'm very clipped getting to be with you, but Dan Eckhart would be somebody else. I mean, I've been a fan forever. I mean... Yeah. You know, I was 19 when SNL came on the air. I was in college, just...

Just first having gotten stoned, it was my first fall of being a stoned person. So the combination of watching that show, thinking about getting into comedy, being stoned, and seeing this revolutionary gang take over and make me laugh, split a gut, and also do things I've never seen on television before in the time slot of my hero, Johnny Carson, but it was like, oh, wow, this could be something that is, you know...

a step beyond him. He was great, but yes, he was getting on a little bit, and this was like... Who are we talking about? You know, let's go... Oh. Burt Reynolds. Burt. Well, Johnny was a good friend, actually. Really? Yes. I thought he was pissed at you when you were rumored to be, like, hot on his heels taking his job, because I remember that era. That's really not him at all. I mean...

Johnny? Yeah. Are you kidding? He practically sent Joan Rivers to Elba because she dared to go up against... That's a funny concept. Joan Rivers to Elba, please. Well, that's where they sent Napoleon. You remember Napoleon, right? I used to go with him. Yeah.

You and I should write a Marx Brothers movie. Now, I admit there'll be a problem because they're dead too, but we could recast. Did they, all of them are dead? Yeah, they'd be like 100. What about Dino Marx? Dino, no. You're thinking of the Beach Boys. Oh, that's it. But, oh damn, what were we talking about? Doesn't matter anymore. No, it doesn't. I'll just take a nap. It doesn't really matter, but I could...

Oh, I know. Your movie with Dan Aykroyd and Dan Aykroyd. Oh, yeah. He seems to be the one that... He is, what I used to say, is the resident genius of Saturday Night Live. I could see that. I'm remembering Dan with a painting that he was talking about as if he was like a museum guy or something. Right. Tied on his painting.

And he's discussing the finer points of the painting, the plants, this and that. And there's a nude woman in it.

And he never talks about it, but that's all we're looking at. It's just perfect, Dan. That was a sketch? Huh? That was a sketch he did early on? Yeah. Many sketches, obviously. And I think your point is very well taken about being kind of a rock, because you could tell he was the guy who always, there's always one guy where you need to play like the dad. Yeah.

Yeah. The authority figure. Yeah. And you can just tell who's kind of the rock. Yeah, yeah. And also the guy who gets along with everybody. I mean, you didn't get along with everybody else, maybe. Well, Dan was the guy who got along with everybody. Yeah, with everybody, right? Yeah. Like Ringo and the Beatles. And Ionesco. Okay, so, yeah, so I feel like he...

And just the fact that you guys are still friends. Sure. After all these years. So was John and I, but... John Belushi? Yeah. I mean, yeah. Well... I'm just remembering John and his fucking drugs problem. But back then, the big drug was cocaine. And, you know...

Obviously, John turned out to be a coke head, as it were. But I had a little jar, you know, of cocaine. A vial? Yeah, a little vial. And with a little spoon that hung from it. Ah, yes. I remember the spoon. Some people wore it around their neck.

Really? Yeah, like a cross. It would go well on your Jesus shirt. Christ. Anyway, I had it on the piano of the stage of Lemmings. National Lampoon's Lemmings. Yeah. Classic. So I'm just playing the piano. The crowd isn't in yet. And it's just sitting there.

After I played just a little bit, it's gone. No idea how or what. I obviously was looking at my hands or something at the moment that John Swoopkin took it. So I immediately said, Belouche, did you take my Coke? How? Oh, what are you talking about? What Coke? What? So about...

A month later, I'm invited to dinner at John and Judy's apartment. And I'm there.

And we're about ready to... And I see my little vial there, empty and washed. It was sitting on a shelf there by the books. It was so clearly... Yes. Oh, God. I was going to defend him and say, you know, when you leave your Coke out, it's going to get stolen by someone. Well, because it's... It was right next to me. I know. Sure. But...

But still, drugs are an easy thing to steal because you can't report it to the police. That's true. So they do tend to walk off on their own. I'm so glad I just put that stuff aside a long time ago. Me too, because you wouldn't be here at 78 if you hadn't, because John died at 33. Yeah. I mean, when you think how long ago that is. And that morning. 40 years. He came that morning.

Janie, my wife, and I were in our house, and there was a knock on the door, and I opened the door, and there seemed like 12 news people, writers. Media jackals.

Media jackals? Media jackals. Good, well put. Anyway, how do you feel about the death of John? I didn't know yet. Oh. Death of John Belushi just shocked me. And there I was stuck with these people.

Well, can we come in, Mr. Chase, and take your clothes off? I don't know what. You know, it just really stripped me to the, but, oh, God, what a horrible thing. Yeah. And when John Candy died, well, John Candy was not a drug abuser. John was, but those are two of my best friends who died, you know, that I really felt awful about.

Yeah, but I would say food is a drug. I mean, John Candy. Good night, everybody. Why is that? Food is a drug. But it is.

I mean, it can be the worst drug. Yeah, you're right. Look at Hillary Clinton. No, that's wrong. She didn't eat that much. Let me tell you. Well, she balloons up. She's a little like Elvis. She has? Well, yes. She's a little like Elvis. She balloons up.

and then when she has to go back on camera, she loses the weight. And then she does one of those terrible travelogue pictures like Fun in Acapulco. That's awful. Oh, wait, that is Elvis. I'm sorry. Did you ever meet him? Ever meet Elvis? I hear he was. No, but my wife saw him live. I met Sinatra. Yeah, what was he like? I liked him. I mean, you know, I went to the last show

That Sinatra had. Ever? In L.A. In L.A.? Did they know it was the last show? Oh, yeah. Really? Yes, his last performance. And I went with Marty Short. Wow. And Marty and I then proceeded to be put in a little sort of living room-like area like this or something with maybe 20 people.

all of whom expected to meet Frank or were friends of Frank's. Sure, they do that after every concert. Yeah, yeah. The celebrities go backstage, there's a little room, and then the great one comes out, whoever just did the show, and you have to know exactly how to compliment stars of that level because even a compliment that's not like... Don't you realize I was in the middle of a fucking story? I'm sorry, you're right.

Go ahead. You're right. I love you, man. You mentioned Tom Snyder, so I feel like I'm doing the Tom Snyder. I'm setting it up. Where do you think he is? So you're backstage with Frank Sinatra. No. Well, no. He comes in. We just learned why he goes to bed at 5 in the morning every morning, because he wasn't even in there until 2. We're just sort of standing around. What time did the show end?

Oh, probably 11. So you were there for three hours before he showed up? Oh, yeah, yeah. What did you do? I blew Marty. What do you mean, what did we do? Was that three hours a long time? I don't know. I can't remember what we did. Okay. It just, you know, I had a drink or something. So anyway, he finally comes in. Yeah. And comes right up to me and says, hi, Chevy. Hi, Frank. What are you drinking? Yeah. That's what he says right away. Sure. What are you drinking?

I said, whatever you are, Frank. Wow. And so he points to the bartender and says, you know, two lack of portents. I don't know what. Some kind of thing. And lack of portents. Yeah. It's a good one. At which point I said, oh, Frank, I'd love to introduce you to my friend, Martin, I mean, singer, singer.

very funny guy, Marty Short. And Marty is so taken by this moment that he goes, oh, Mr. Sinatra. And he gets that far. And Frank says, I think I know. What are you drinking?

That is priceless. I think I know. I think I know. That is the best show business story ever. I think I know. I think I know. What are you drinking? Don't bore me with how great I am. I know. Yes. Also, I don't want to make you work too hard. Exactly. If we already both know this, why go through the motions? Yeah, yeah.

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Hey, just doing a quick commercial in case you don't want to watch commercials. So meta. We have a subscription channel on Apple now called Club Random Velvet Rope, where you can get all the episodes ad-free, most new episodes a week early, full exclusive bonus episodes, and extra bonus content where I talk about whatever the fuck I want. Try it free for a week now. Just search Club Random on Apple Podcasts.

I happen to know Marty as a huge Sinatra fan because he and I both know this album that we can't find anybody else who knows this. I had to introduce this album to Seth MacFarlane, who is a Sinatra adorate. So this is called, he did it in 1969, it's called A Man Alone. Have you heard of it? I have that. Okay. You're the third one. I just lied. Okay.

Okay, A Man Alone. It's perfect for him. Exactly. With the hat on. Well, also because I think it was right before he got married for the third time, so he was like 50. It was written by Rod McKeown, a gay man, who wrote a theme album called A Man Alone. It has talking parts in between the songs where Frank says,

Oh, I've heard this. It's awesome. I have it on my phone with Frank Cronin.

Getting ready to sing, just talking about the song and the band there. Is this true? Count Pacey's band? No, there's no band there. Okay, I don't want to discuss it. No, that's like the Vegas albums. It might as well be Swing. That's a great Sinatra. That's from the 50s. That's even before my time. I love that. But that's the one, fly me to the moon. It's like the... Ready? Ready?

Fly me to the moon. Yes. Yeah. Wait, I'm not finished. Let me play among the stars. Then he goes, let me something. See what life is like on. On Jupiter and Mars. Jupiter and Mars. And, you know, at that point, I've just peed pants because. Remember Richard Belzer? Yes.

Do I remember? The great comedian? What do you mean the great comedian? He took... You know what? What? What did he do? Rob you? I'll say. No. No, when I was working with Ken Shapiro, we did Groove Tube and a number of those. Groove Tube, yes. Five years of that, working with Kenny. And then finally I left Ken because he was kind of a prick. And...

And Belzer took over for me and did my parts. He was awful, frankly. Because I, you know, I'm... Well, he doesn't do what you do. That's true. But he used to have that funny bit in his act where he would say, what do all singers give you this move?

And then, you know, they tilt their head with, everything's going to be okay as soon as I get my neck fixed. That's right. That's right, yeah. That used to kill me. I remember that. My neck fixed. You remember that bit? Yes, I do. Yes. Catch a Rising Star. I used to walk in there sometimes. Catch a Rising Star. He owned that place.

He was amazing. In the city? What? In New York. Yeah, it was at 78th and 1st. Rick Newman. Congratulations. You're right. You absolutely are. I think I saw you. I think when I was starting out, you probably stopped by there a few times. It was one of those, oh, my God, Chevy Chase is here. No, I wasn't that famous yet. Yeah, I got there in 79. You were well past it. Woody was there. You were a movie star by 1979. Oh, but Woody Allen...

Woody Allen went there. No, he didn't. Woody Allen was never there. What are you talking about? The Catch a Rising Star was on the Upper East Side. Oh, what did I say? I'm thinking about Elaine's. Elaine's. It was a restaurant. Sort of. Sort of, no.

It wasn't very good. And she was a lovely matron. She was. She was like, she reminded me of Margaret Dumont in the Marx Brothers movies, you know, the foil. Yeah, a little bit, yeah. You know, not that she was, you know, a prig like that. No, no, no, no, no. No, but she had that sort of matronly. Yeah. I porked her. Anyway.

Yes. Did you hear what I said? What? I porked her. Oh, I... I only wanted you to hear because how many people have used the word pork as a verb? It's a great word for... Porking, basically. No, porking. Don't say it. Right. It's definitely not a word you want to use while you're porking, though.

Right. You never want to say, I'm going to pork you. That is a direct turn off to a woman. I tell you. You're such a good kisser. Can I pork you? Yeah. Man, after the third time I made that mistake, I said, I'm not doing this ever again. I'm sorry to hear that. Yeah.

Oh, Chevy, this is the problem. Now there's so many tangents that I wanted to complete with you. Okay, okay. I won't say another word. That's not what you wanted to guess. I get it. Oh, Frank Sinatra. Let's go back to it. So Marty Short and I, we love this album. And when we see each other, we invariably break into the songs that no one else really knows these songs.

Marty sings well too. He can sing them. Yeah. But there's one song, it's one of my favorites. Seth MacFarlane said he would sing it together with me sometime because he likes to sing like that at his parties.

It's called I've Been to Town. And it just, to me, says it all about the joy of listening to music written for adults. Because most of the music, when you're first getting into music, is written for teenagers because that's who listens to it. It's like, it's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

See, I start with somewhere around Mozart. I don't know where the hell these start. Most of the music written is for teenagers. Yeah, Mozart. What the fuck? Well, what teenager listens to Mozart? What? Where did you grow up? You listened to Mozart when you were a teenager? No, I couldn't help it.

I knew him. No, well, never mind. No, I'm just making fun of you. God knows I shouldn't. I can tell. No, I love it. I take it as an honor. Anything you hurl at me, I'm not going to even wash it off myself. I'm not good at that. Oh, I don't tell yourself. I'm good at everything. Yes, you're good at everything in comedy. But anyway, this song...

I've been to town and it's really just about a guy who's saying, because again, Frank was like 50 when he recorded this. It's the metaphor for, I've seen it all, I can't waste any more time. He's talking to a lover of his. There's this lyric where he says, "You asked me if I know the Milky Way, I do. Furthermore, I'd like to say, it's not Milky White, it's dingy gray."

especially when your world breaks down. Fly me to the moon. No, I hate it. It's kind of genius, though. The balls to sing something that cynical and real in a song. Also, you know, he wasn't the smartest guy. I've got to be honest with you. He was actually a very smart guy. I mean, a big reader. No, you know.

A big reader. He was. Yeah. What are you reading? Well, mostly tattoos near a girl's pussy. It is reading. Well said. No. No, Frank Sinatra, besides being obviously the great vocal artist he was, had a huge movie career.

He did 50... Really? 54 movies. I know. By the way, I did 55. Just wanted you to know. Okay. Well, we'll call you the chairman of the board then. Thanks a lot. Anyway, I don't know why I'm defending... No, you know what? But he was nice to you. Yes. Frank?

How about O.J.? Was he ever nice to you? People say... O.J.? People say... Well, you know, his kids went to school with my kids. Really? Yeah. Are they alive? We lived in Pacific. And he shot two of them. It was a mistake. Anyway. Right. Well, it's good to see he's not stabbing anymore.

Are we hearing a dog or laughter? That's a dog laughing. That's not... That's a pretty good dog. Thank you. Yeah. What other animals do you do? Anything I can get my hands on. And when I say do, I mean have intercourse with. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I said anything I can get my hands on. So we're both in the same bad way. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, there are people who do have sexual relations with animals. I mean, that's not... Name one. Besides Seth MacFarlane. Well, the E.N.S. guy was always... Yeah, Rhinoceros. Why do you think the name of the play is... I know. But, you know, that hurt when he tried it. Yes, it hurt the rhinoceros. Yeah. Well, maybe not.

Wasn't there a joke about it? I have a pain. Really? It's gone. Okay. Just live for another 20 minutes. That's all we need. And then we're wrapped. And then they drag me out of it. Yeah, and then they just... As the next guest comes in. But... Oh, damn.

What's the matter, man? You make me laugh so much that I forget what I'm talking about. Look at you. Right. Are you sure? I'm just going to bring this up one more time and then I'm going to leave it alone. Circumcision. If you haven't had it done, I'm just saying... It's great. I'm just saying it's great.

Okay, okay. Yes. Calm down. That is the essence of my message, but I can get deeper than that. Okay. Why is it great? Prevents disease. Yeah. Isn't that originally why they snipped foreskins? Yeah. And it feels good. Yeah.

Not when you're getting it done. No. I still remember it, though, and I was, what, 12 months old? 12 weeks? You don't remember it. Were you circumcised? No, of course I don't remember it. But were you circumcised? Some people are not. Many people are not. Okay, I'll show you. Of course I was.

Well, don't say of course. There are many people who I did a bit in my act about circumcision and I've had people... I remember that. Really? No. I have had people yell out. It's not funny. Of all the subjects I talk about, that's the one that they literally yell out. It's not funny. It's bodily mutilation and people have died.

Really? Yes. People take some people. People have died. What are we talking about? And you know what? Even if they did 38 and they get circumcised. Well, I well, obviously, something could get infected no matter when you do it at whatever age. So I'm sure there's a certain casualty count. I don't care. That makes two of us.

Let's move on. No, I'm a one-issue candidate, and that is pro-circumcision. That's very good. Because it's a gross-looking thing, and it is disgusting. Why do you think they made it that law in the Bible?

because they obviously saw from experience that uncircumcised men, you know, bad things happen to them or God smote them or something. And so they were like, let's make this a fucking law that you've got to cut off the end of your dick. Cut off the end of your dick? Now it's gone too far, Bill. Bill Maher, everybody. Circumcision. No. No, you were circumcised, right? Yes.

May I see? Not recently, but I was, thank God. Because you cannot have a pretty dick. How dare you? It would be a good name for a character, wouldn't it, Mr. Pretty Dick? Well, that's not bad. Pretty Dick. Captain Pretty Dick. Pretty Dick, get in here. You're Captain Pretty Dick. Captain Pretty Dick. It's like video. Are you done? With?

this, the whole thing. No, I'm going to... You're going to have to fight me. I'll give you another hour. You're going to have to fight to get rid of me because when am I going to be guaranteed to be able to ever have this amazing moment with the great Chevy Chase again? No, so I'm going to milk it for all I can get out of it. In fact, you're strapped in right now. I'll say. Yeah.

No. You're not strapped. No. That's not a thing. That means gun, right? Yeah. Strapped? Yes. Oh, no. I left my gun with my wife. He's taking pock shots. I love it when you do these ones that, like, I don't even quite get what the meaning is, but the rhythm is so good. There you are. And the words are so good, you know? And it's like, that is a kind of a Zen comedy that is on, like,

400 or 500 level just you know Brooks did the same thing Yeah, I think I'm not yeah, I can't compare myself to Mel Brooks But well, it's the same sort of I don't know it just sort of comes I don't know naturally or something that people I can compare you to Mel Brooks And I love Mel Brooks with two great funny guys who give in America a zillion laughs and made a bunch of great Fucking movies so I can't do this great. He was so yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I

But I remember comics like we would do that like with each other just to get each other laughing. Like we would just say a line and it didn't really track at all. But that was what was funny about it, you know. That it didn't track. Yeah. Like I don't want to say, you know, she was ugly, but the waiter was wearing a batting helmet. It was like, what the heck? A batting helmet? Yeah.

It's very funny. It's funny because it's not funny, I think. It's the rhythm of it. The rhythm. Yeah. And you're kind of a musician, right? Weren't you a drummer? I was a drummer, and I play the piano. Of course you do. I play jazz piano, yeah. But yeah, I was a drummer for...

Steely Dan, when we were in college. Steely Dan. And then coming out. Come on. The Steely Dan? No, the other Steely Dan. The one that was awful. Wait, Steely Dan? Yeah, Don Fagan and Walter Becker. So, like, you're on Ricky Don't Lose That Number or something? No, Ricky's on it. Ricky's on that one. No, I quit before that. Oh.

I wanted to be, honestly, I wanted to be in comedy in some fashion or another. It all started in college anyway. But no, I saw Don Fagan fairly recently. Steely Dan. He seems very happy and he's married. Musicians, when you think about almost any band, any artist,

with notable exceptions like Frank Sinatra, they get a decade. The Beatles had a decade. The 60s. The Eagles had the 70s. Led Zeppelin had the 70s. They didn't go into... You get about a decade and then you still work. But first of all, the...

parade moves on. Now the people who were your fans when they were... We're talking about a very specific kind of music. I'm talking about almost all music. I'm saying you get a decade if you're at the top. And then... Beethoven, for instance. Beethoven had the 1820s was huge. I mean, like, the whole... You happen to be right. The whole deaf thing was, you know, he still got all the tail. Yeah. The 1830s?

Suddenly it was like, I would, but you can't hear me. I can't hear you. I need a man who can listen. So I'm just saying, Steely Dan had the 70s.

Like so many, they kept making music, but yes, it doesn't reach a master audience. Yeah, it doesn't reach, that's all I'm saying. Paul McCartney has some great... Paul continues to reach mass audiences. Not really. You're not going to hear Paul McCartney played anywhere where 20-year-olds, not his new stuff, maybe they do a...

Remix of Eleanor Rigby or something and put a beat on it, but that's an interesting thought. Yeah, actually it is Well, they do it all the time. Well, I mean look at Elton John you're wrong about Paul He puts it out. I'm just saying with the people it's not gonna get heavy airplay on MTV It's just not yeah, if they're even I don't think they're even showing stuff anymore. What am I talking about? But wherever they're showing it

You know, it's just not. I mean, you can't be 78 in music. I mean, the Rolling Stones, I'm sure, well, they probably actually haven't put out a new album, but they used to. But when they would tour, they would play the list from the 60s and 70s. They wouldn't play the stuff from the album that came out in 2005. It just wasn't... Well, you know... So stuff does get overlooked. This was another friend of mine, Mick Chagger, and...

A friend that, because I can't remember, is hosting some huge show in a huge arena, football. You were? Yeah, years ago. And both, oh, well, Tina Turner and who are we talking about? Mick Jagger. And Mick, yeah, they ended up.

You know, I introduced them, basically. Now, Jack and Brody Sunsert. And now, Tina Turner without Ike. Anyway. I hope. Then we ended up in like a Volkswagen bus driving with them and the two of them behind me. I was just sitting in the front seat. And I just had to... Did you get away from the arena? I can't remember. Yeah, I think we were being...

And Nicholson, too. We were all being driven away from the show afterward. Right. And who's going to know that we were in that Volkswagen bus, you know? But I just remember having a blast in there and just making fun of them. And, you know, we became friends. I mean, who makes fun of Tina Turner?

And Mick. You know, I do. Right. I'm the guy you want. Yeah. Well, I mean, sometimes people on that level like the piss taken out of them if you do it the right way. Yeah. Otherwise, they'll just throw you out of the Volkswagen bus. Yeah. I mean, many a Volkswagen bus has a dead body on the side of the road. Or underneath, yeah. Right. Right. But you probably, being the deft artist in you are...

know how to do it. Yeah. You know. I got a thing. Hey. What? If you're serious, I don't want to, I mean, if you've got to go or do some shit. Are you serious? I'm, I just want. You really thought I got a thing, man, I believe? I just want you to be happy. I'm so flattered you're here. I'm happy. I love this. Okay, good. I love it, yeah. Is it too structured? Ouch! Ouch!

Do you feel it's overproduced? Yeah. Because that's what I get a lot. Who's that guy behind you in the... Oh. Made you look... I don't know where I... Oh, God, look at that thing. It's Trump and Clinton. Yeah, I don't know where I got these, but there's so many of the things at Club Random, I don't know where I got them, but I got them. There they are.

Maybe somebody got them for you. What's that over there? That's some piece of artwork. I remember where I got that. I think I got that from Bud Friedman. Most of the artwork I have... Well, you sure do drop names, Bud Friedman. Well, but I love Bud Friedman, and he was the owner, is still the owner. He

He's retired, but I don't know. The Improv, which is the granddaddy of comedy clubs. That's what started the whole thing. Before the Improv, there was no place to be. Were you in New York at that time? New York City? Well, yes. Because I was. I lived there. I mean, I grew up there. Right. Well, I got to New York in 79. Yeah. Again, you were already a movie star, so we weren't hanging out. Yeah.

But the improv started in 62. That's correct. On the west side. And it was the first urban comedy club. Before that, comics were bad up in the Catskills. That was that training ground before the urban clubs. Right. And it kind of changed the whole way comedy was done. I mean, you went from the take my wife, please, guys.

Right? To the waiters wearing a batting helmet. We don't even know what's funny about that, guys. You really like that, the waiters wearing a batting helmet. I do like that because it makes no sense. I like things that make no sense. Anyway, I'm just, I think I... I thought you were just going to eat ice. No. Although I have in the past.

But Bud, the improvs did very well for a while when comedy was sort of like, you know, the latest big thing in the 80s. And Bud bought a big-ass house in Beverly Hills.

because there were improv franchises all over the country. So while he had it, you know, and he filled it with all this really nice artwork, and then the whole thing crashed because comedy clubs were a trend. Like, mid-sized cities had six clubs. It couldn't last. And it didn't. So I remember he had to, like, sell all his artwork.

They were moving because when the bottom went out, like a vulture. But I was invited as a vulture. He said, come through my house and

I'm selling a lot of artwork. I'll give you this great price, but I just paid for it, and so that's how I got a bunch of stuff that I still have. Cheap fuck. Why don't you put it in here? Well, I don't care. Yeah, it winds up in here. But I don't care about artwork for price because it's so subjective. I don't think you care about artwork, Peter. I do care about artwork. Let's talk. I don't know. Yeah.

You wouldn't know it by looking around here. Actually, you would, because, yes, it's a little kitschy, but I just like stuff that makes me feel good. And, first of all, if I had an expensive painting, I'd always be worrying that it would... What if I lost it in a fire or it would attract thieves? Yeah. You might like it. That's the real problem. And then I'd be... Nice seeing you. Yeah. Yeah, well... Yeah. So...

I happen to... We are artists, you know. Who, us? Us in particular? I consider myself an artist. Absolutely. You're just an interviewer. Thank you very much. No, no, we're comedy artists. No, we are. And by the way, one of the toughest things to be an artist and get anywhere. Well... I mean, to see... That's why I have trouble with stand-up comedians. I just... So many of them don't, you know...

They're so desperate and they work so hard for a 15-minute set or something. And the audiences love them. Some of them love them. My daughter works at the Comedy Store in L.A. Cool. So I go there sometimes and watch these comics. But, you know...

Maybe one in a million get further up to, you know. It's not that many. No, as it should be. Actually, there's more comics out there than ever. Do you have an memory board? Seriously? You asked me that? Okay, sorry. I'll have to get it from Jamie. No. Okay.

I think there actually is a glut of comedians, but that's probably because I'm a comedian. Well, no, but you're right. There is, but how many of them are great? Well, some of them are great and some of them are not great, but still sell a lot of tickets. Yeah, okay.

I don't know. But comedy is so subjective. Who could say what's great is what tickles me? I mean, there are people who could listen to this and be like, who are those two idiots? What the fuck are they howling about? They've not stopped laughing at each other since the beginning, since they sat down, and they're just blithering. Yeah.

And other people, I think, understand where we're coming from. The other blithering idiots. What we're doing. But it's so subjective, just like music. The stupidest thing to do, I think, is ever to read a music review. How can you describe a song? Either I like it or I don't when I hear it. I understand what you're saying. Do you still jerk off?

I'm so glad you've turned this around. Of course, don't you? Oh, Christ.

It's been 20 years. Really? No. Well, I'm not going to tell you if I jerk off. You just asked me. That's all I wanted to know, if you did. Well... I'm not going to tell you. You make a good point. You said you still do. Well, then I'm going to talk about my... Well, that seems to be the subject we want to turn this conversation to. I don't think there's anything to be ashamed about it. Well, I would be ashamed if I were you. I am... I don't know why. I am not ashamed. No.

And I could go into great detail about my history with masturbation. I mean, it's been a lifelong love affair, I must say. It's something that is distinct from sex, although obviously it shares some properties like the goo that's at the end of the... What the hell? What? What did you just say? The goo? The goo. You know, the man batter. That's not bad. That's bad. What? The goo? Well, the goo... Okay. Okay.

Obviously, that is something that happens. Have I left yet? Have I left yet? See, that's the kind of thing I mean that Ionesco loves. Now, it's like...

There are certain, I was just saying, there's certain properties between sex and masturbation they have in common, like an ejaculation does happen and so forth, and you're stimulated, and it's pleasurable. It would be in the category of pleasure and not chore. Hi, honey. Glad you're watching. And my daughter, by the way. That's great.

Okay. This should be the only portion that you showed. But importantly, there is this other dimension that separates masturbation from sex that makes them two completely different things. Some properties of each, I would say in the positive category, like I think touching another human is real good.

But other things that you could speak well for masturbation, like you can do it in two minutes. Two minutes? Yes, you can just scratch that itch and get back to work.

Don't you agree? You're a sad fellow. I'm not. No. Two minutes. Are you saying that you've never masturbated in your whole life? No. No, I'm not saying that is what I meant. I get it. Yeah. But it was the way you cut me off. No, I get it.

No, that you never did it just quickly to relieve the urge, the itch, much like you would milk a cow so the cow was not bawling because it was disencumbered of the burden of

of that feeling, which is horniness, and then you... What? Where are you going? I'm explaining this. What was that, your cow? It was my cow. Okay. I had to do... That's pretty good. Now you got the dog and the cow.

Thank you. Yeah. Thank you, sir. You're building up a whole repertoire. I think we should really get off the subject of masturbation because... Why? Again, because my wife and daughter are watching. They're probably in hysterics. They are probably in hysterics. First of all, I'm doing all the sharing.

You're not saying anything about it. Listen, buddy. You're just acting like Mr. Pretty Dick. It's none of... Pretty Dick. This is so awful. Constable Pretty Dick, who takes a dim view of discussions of masturbation in public events. Captain Pretty Dick. So, you know, what's the big whoop about...

Doing something that's, first of all, it's harmless to any other human being. I mean... Well, not in my case. Oh, it's occasionally put an eye out. I like that. Occasionally put an eye out. What the hell? Of the masturbator or somebody new? Well, you shoot across the room. You don't mean it. It just happens. I'm sorry, Kaylee. Anyway, oh, jeez. Your kids are probably so much more...

Good with like dirty talk than you are no sure they are real of course they are because they grew up in an age That was much more Relaxed don't you think I think my fucking kids? You'd love my my kids

If I allowed you to see them. I was just going to say, where's the end of that sentence? You have children, right? I do not have children. May I talk about that? Thank God. Yeah, talk about it. Okay. Well, see, because I masturbate so much. Okay. Children. Bam! No. No, I've never had children, to my knowledge. And...

You know, it's, I would say, the one thing in my life that is a real constant because I didn't like children when I was one, I didn't like them in midlife, and I don't like them now.

Oh, my God. That's a sad thing to say. No, it's not. Absolutely not. It's not sad at all. It's just personal preference. I share it with millions and millions of people. I can't tell you how many people have come up to me over the years and said, oh, it's so great that you talk about how much you don't like kids because I don't like kids either. And these are just the parents. Okay. These are just the parents. Just the parents.

Yeah. But, you know, I don't think it's odd that other people like children. I mean, there must be something to it. Even celebrities do it.

So I don't get it, why you want to do that, but I know people get a kind of a joy out of children. What if I just got up and attacked you now? Punching you in the forehead. Well, we have to wrap this up soon anyway, so it would be a good ending. And, you know, we like good endings. Yeah. We really have to wrap it up? Yeah, we do, because I have to get back. Now? Will you have another? Another interview? And this is a work night for me. I have a real job on HBO. Oh.

I thought this was your job. This is not my job. This is my love. To be able to sit and get to know somebody like you, I'll probably never get this hour again.

I'll come back. You will? Sure. But we don't have to do it on camera. But would you actually, you would never like actually like have dinner with me, would you? Of course I would. You say that here. No, you're actually quite funny and a very intelligent guy. I would. Really? Yeah. Okay, great. You're not articulate, but that doesn't mean...

See, that's the thing. You always have it coming in behind. You never just leave it there.

Because it's almost like the Frank Sinatra thing about like, yeah, I heard it before. What do you want to drink? I think I know. Right. It's like, I would much rather have the laugh at my... At your sense. Yeah, absolutely. Because I'm not wounded by it. I don't think you really mean it. Yeah. As opposed to what? Sitting here and not laughing? Like, you know. Well, that would be funny, actually, if there were no laughter.

And by the way, where are the cameras? Isn't that a great question? Thank you. I know that that's one. Yes. But it's clearly just on you. They're all. Well, there's two there. Look at that. One, two. They're so clever. Oh, yeah, yeah. That one's on me. And look over there. They're so cleverly hidden in that even a show business veteran like you

asks at the end of an hour, "Where are the cameras?" That's what I wanted when I built this place. Where are the cameras? 'Cause I don't want us to feel like we're on camera. No. I want us to feel like we're in a whorehouse. We're in a whorehouse? No, that's enough now, bad boy. Give me a hug. Oh, I have this same shirt.

No, I mean not this exact shirt. What's your last name? Get your filthy hands off me. Hey, my wallet. Uh-oh. Yeah, mine. Oh, honey. Where's my fucking wallet?